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How to Have a Great Marriage
Marriage doesn’t have to be a daily battlefield. In this LittleBook, bestselling author and relationship expert Bo Sanchez shares his insights from John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. You’ll learn how to appreciate your differences and harness them to make your relationship with your lifetime partner rewarding and fulfilling.
Bo Sanchez is the founder of the Light of Jesus Family. He continues to preach worldwide through media and serves the poorest of the poor through various life-changing ministries. Log on to www.BoSanchez.ph for his weekly Soulfood Letter.
How to Have a
Great Marriage Using Your Uniqueness to Love the Way Your Partner Wants to Be Loved
ISBN 978-971-007-017-6
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Bo Sanchez
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How to Have a Great Marriage
How to Have a Great Marriage Using Your Uniqueness to Love the Way Your Partner Wants to Be Loved
Learn to live a fantastic life. Log on to www.bosanchez.ph. 2
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Table of Contents
How to Have a Great Marriage Using Your Uniqueness to Love the Way Your Partner Wants to Be Loved
ISBN 978-971-007-017-6 Bo sanchez Philippine Copyright © 2010 by Eugenio R. Sanchez, Jr. 3rd Reprinting, January 2012 Requests for information should be addressed to: SHEPHERD’S VOICE Publications, inc. #60 Chicago St., Cubao, Quezon City, Philippines 1109 P.O. Box 1331, Quezon City Central Post Office 1153 Quezon City Tel. No. (632) 725-9999; Fax. No. (632) 727-5615 E-mail:
[email protected]
How to Have a Great Marriage
Chapter 1:
Why God Invented
Men and Women
Chapter 2:
You Need to Love the Way
the Other Wants to Be Loved
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Chapter 3:
Learning the Love Languages
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Chapter 4:
Fantastic Relationships
Don’t Just Happen
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35
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, except for brief quotations, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Layout and design by Rey de Guzman
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Feast PICC - Couples Ministry Other LittleBooks by Bo Sanchez THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE WORLD How to Recognize the Wonder of Your Awesome Catholic Faith HOW PRAYER CAN MAKE YOU BECOME MORE LIKE JESUS Spend More Time with Him and Be Transformed into His Image and Likeness
Bo’s Websites: Read Bo’s Blogs at www.BoSanchez.ph Watch Bo’s Videos at www.PreacherInBlueJeans.com Get Daily Spiritual Food at www.KerygmaFamily.com Gain Financial Abundance at www.TrulyRichClub.com Receive Daily Messages at www.GodWhispersClub.com 6
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How to Have a Great Marriage
Chapter 1
Why God Invented Men and Women
O
ne day, one of my buddies came to me with a long face and said, “I just had another fight with my girlfriend. Bo, why did God make us so different?” Like a good counselor, I answered the question with another question. “What do you mean?” “Well,” he said, “if God made us a bit more like each other, we’d have less fights.” That’s when I removed my counselor hat and put on my buddy hat. “That may be true,” I frowned, “but would you want your girlfriend to look exactly like you? Just the thought of it gives me goosebumps. She’d have your gorilla hair on her chest, she’d snore like an oil tanker, she’d burp like a cow and would be as disgusting as we guys are.” He smiled, “Wow, thank God my girlfriend is different from me!” I put on my preacher hat and said, “A wise man said that there are three benefits from our differences. First, our differences force us to depend on God. Second, our differences can lead to helping each other. Finally, our differences can lead to deep intimacy.” But, by that time, my friend didn’t need any convincing. Just one picture of his girlfriend with chest 7
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hair was enough for him to realize that it’s better that she was different. I told my buddy to read John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. It’s a phenomenal book and I’ll be sharing a lot of his material in this little book. After all, why reinvent the wheel? John Gray did a great job and I just tweaked his stuff. I don’t agree with all that he says but much of it is on target. And, as usual, I also got stuff from other resources — including my own experiences and reflections.
How to Have a Great Marriage
We’re from Different Planets
Soon enough, they had a lot of conflict. This exact scenario is being played out in all male-female relationships. Men subconsciously expect women to feel, respond and communicate like men. And women subconsciously expect men to feel, respond and communicate like women. We forget that we should be different. We forget that it was these differences that made us fall in love in the first place. Without a clear understanding and appreciation of our differences, we will continue to have conflicts. What are these differences? Let me share four of them...
John Gray starts his book by giving this wonderful allegory. He says that one day, the Martians were looking through their telescopes and saw the Venusians for the first time. That produced feelings in them they didn’t know existed. Because of that, they invented space travel and went to Venus. The beautiful Venusians welcomed them with open arms. It was an amazing time of conversation and communion, discovering and appreciating the differences they had with each other. It went on like this for many happy years until both the Martians and Venusians decided to migrate to planet Earth. Because of the change of atmosphere on planet Earth, all of them suffered amnesia — selective amnesia. They forgot that they were from different planets and wondered why they were so different from each other.
I. Men Want Control, Women Want Closeness Ladies, have you ever asked your man to fix something at home? If you say, “Dear, can you please fix the leaky faucet in the bathroom?” does your hubby jump up, wrench in hand, and cheerfully say, “Sure, honey!” Hmm. I doubt it. I bet 90 percent of the women reading this will agree that their men resist chores. Oh, they won’t hear their husbands say, “No, I won’t do it.” That’s too direct. Instead, they’ll hear them say, “Later, honey,” which means anything from tomorrow to the next five years. Why are men like that? Here’s the hidden issue: Because men want control. And any kind of request from his wife sounds
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like an order, and it threatens his control. So they’ll help, but it’ll be on their terms. Women, on the other hand, ask their husbands to help in the house, not only because they need practical help, but because it makes them feel close to their spouses. What should we do?
Men, Take the Lead; Women, Let Them Men, take lead and initiate.1 Because your woman will take on the responsibility if you don’t. So have regular chores that you’ll do at home. Do stuff for her even before she asks! And set up times where you have meetings about your home and ask her, “What do you want fixed in the house?” By taking the lead, you minimize the control issue. During courtship, men lead and women follow. Men do all the planning. Men initiate the conversations. Men arrange situations where they could meet the woman and hang out with her. After the wedding, the opposite happens: Women lead and men follow. The women run the family’s life while men become one of the kids. Take the case of Christmas gifts. She makes the list of people to give gifts to, she makes a list of things
How to Have a Great Marriage
to buy, she wraps them, she writes on the cards and all the husband has to do is sign them. He doesn’t even know what’s inside the gifts. Take the case of family vacations. She does the research, she plans the itinerary, she plans what to bring, she packs the stuff — and when everything is ready — the man goes out to drive the car. Sheesh. My word for women: You’ve got to take the backseat sometimes. Don’t do the work that he’s supposed to do. Tell him that you’ve had enough and you won’t do it anymore. II. Men Are Goal-Oriented; Women Are RelationshipOriented. In Mars, the higher values are authority and achievement, and efficiency and effectiveness. Martians don’t talk so much about their feelings. Rather, they talk about their business goals, politics, sports, cars and gadgets. For men, achieving their goals by themselves is very important for them to feel good about who they are. That’s why men resist so much when women correct them or tell them what to do. And women don’t understand why men are so touchy about their unsolicited advice. Because for the man, unsolicited advice means that you think he can’t do it on his own — a real offense to his pride. If a man wants advice, then it’s on his terms. He decides he needs it — and he goes out and asks for it.
Ephesians 5:22-23 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife....”
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He’ll go to the experts and get advice. In Mars, it’s an honor for a Martian to go to another Martian and ask for advice. He then puts on his “Mr. Fix-It” hat and listens for a while and then gives jewels of advice. That’s why when a woman talks about her problems, he thinks she wants solutions — and so she doesn’t listen very much when he dishes out his solutions. And when a woman continues to talk about her problems, he gets frustrated because his advice isn’t accepted. Take this example. Wife: “Honey, I’ve got a problem with my boss (sniffle). He’s so demanding! I can’t take the tension anymore (sob). I think I’m developing ulcers and I can’t sleep at night, and I dread going to the office every morning (sniffle, sniffle)....” Husband: “You’ll just have to talk to him.” Wife: “I don’t think I can talk to him. He’s such a difficult person and...” Husband: “Then write him a letter if you can’t talk to him.” Wife: “I don’t know. Just thinking about him gives me so much stress and...” Husband: (Getting exasperated) “Just talk to him then!” Wife: “But what if he won’t be open and just get angry? I remember Carmela had the same conflict two years ago and she broke down...” Husband: (Getting really exasperated) “Talk! To! Him! First! Thing! Tomorrow!” 12
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It gets silly after that. Husbands need to remove their “Mr. I-Can-Solve-Your-Problem” hat and put on their “Mr. Oh-No-That’s-Terrible” hat. Just listen to your wife and empathize. III. Men Hide in Their Caves to Cope with Stress; Women Talk to Others to Cope with Stress When I’m stressed at work, you’ll see me withdrawn. My mind is absorbed trying to solve the intricacies of my problem. And when men can’t solve their problems, they’ll continue to be in their caves — but disengage their minds from their problems by being alone, watching TV, or reading the paper. (I don’t watch TV, but you’ll see me thinking alone in my room.) In the meantime, my wife feels left out because her husband is so distant — not knowing that in Mars, that’s what Martians do: They’ll only get out of their caves until they have found a solution to their problems. Women, on the contrary, cope with their stress by talking about the details of their problems. That’s why when a stressed out man and a stressed out woman meet at the end of the day, you can be sure it will be a stressed out marriage. Because one wants to hide in his cave while the other wants to talk! By the way, after some years of married life, I’ve learned some Venutian ways. When I’m stressed, I go to my wife and share with her my burden. It’s really cool. So what should you do? 13
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Learn these differences. Men, listen to your woman without offering any advice. And women, be understanding when your man retreats to his cave. That’s just a guy thing. Let him be quiet and alone. Give him space and talk to your friends instead. And you’ll notice that when you continue to appreciate him, your man usually comes out of the cave much quicker. IV. Men Are Empowered When They Feel Needed, Respected and Appreciated; Women Are Empowered When They Feel Cherished and Cared for A man feels motivated when he feels he’s needed. When a man doesn’t feel needed in a relationship, he becomes passive. He gives less and less to the relationship. But if the woman respects him, trusts him to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciates him for all his efforts, he’s empowered to give more. During the courtship stage, the woman gives a non-verbal look to the man and says, “You could be the one who could make me happy.” This look empowers the man to overcome his fear to go closer. Unfortunately, when they get married, she forgets how important this message is to him and neglects to send it consistently. Because as the problems and conflicts arise, he loses hope that he has what it takes to make her happy. When a man loses confidence, he loses his passion in the relationship. When a man doesn’t see
How to Have a Great Marriage
himself making a difference in the life of his wife, he loses his meaning to live. He has nothing to give.
To-Do List for Men Husbands, there’ll be days when you need to gain your confidence on your own. There’ll be days when your wife won’t be her appreciative, grateful self. So build your confidence and know that you’ve got what it takes to make her happy. This requires lots of self-work. And then cherish your woman consistently. Believe me, you’ll feel more confident about yourself as you do this. A woman who isn’t cherished will become compulsively responsible and become exhausted for giving too much. But when she feels cared for, she is fulfilled and gives more. Husbands, for a woman to feel loved, she needs you to be there for her. When she feels confused and upset, she wants simple companionship to tell her that she is loved. Empathy, understanding, validation and compassion are the things she is looking for. Men don’t understand that because when they’re upset, they want to think and be alone. Ask your wife: Does she feel cared for? Nurtured? Cherished?
To-Do List for Women And what should the wife do?
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1. Stop blaming. Remember, when you don’t feel cherished, you experience exhaustion for giving too much to the relationship. And when you do, you blame your husband for giving too little. Stop blaming because it wasn’t entirely the man’s fault that you’re doing too much. You contributed to the problem by not setting limits. 2. Set limits. Don’t be a martyr. Tell him, “I don’t want you yelling at me. If you continue to yell at me, I’m leaving the room.” Tell him, “I can’t do that right now because I’ve had a really bad day. I’m exhausted. Perhaps later.” 3. And ask for support. Let him feel needed. And trust that he can fulfill your needs. Neediness is different from needing. Neediness means a demanding, consistent, nagging that turns men off because it says that he can’t possibly fulfill your needs. 4. Finally, women: Praise your man! Not just in little bits and pieces. Lavish and shower him with praise. When he does something good, you tell him that he’s made you happy. It’s not extra. It’s essential. We need it. Lots of it! It’s a guy thing. (We’re externally motivated.) If we don’t get it, we lose our confidence in ourselves and in our ability to love. Now let’s understand how men and women love differently.
How to Have a Great Marriage
Chapter 2
You Need to Love the Way the Other Wants to Be Loved
L
ast month, I was in the Visayas for one of my prayer rallies. While setting up the stage, a young woman walked up to me and said, “Bo, naglibog ka?” I was a bit taken aback by her question. I may have dirty thoughts once in a while but not at that particular moment. I just smiled and said, “No, not really.” But someone later told me that “libog” in Cebuano meant “confused.”2 The same thing happens with the male and female language, or what John Gray calls the “Martian and Venusian language.”3 I. How Men and Women Speak Differently When the Martians and Venusians first met, they understood each other very well even if they spoke different languages. All they had to do was go to a In Tagalog, libog means lust. This booklet takes its structure from John Gray’s bestselling book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
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Mars-Venus Phrase Dictionary and they understood each other well. The problem was they stopped referring to the dictionary because they totally forgot that they spoke different languages. Because Martians and Venusians use the same words but have different meaning. Example? Woman: “You never listen to me.” Man: “Never? I’m listening to you right now.” In the Venusian language, you can use words such as “never” and “always” to express your feeling of frustration — because you aren’t describing factual or literal measurements but an emotion. But men look for facts. So what should men do when confronted with these circumstances? Just listen. Understand. Just say, “I want to listen to you. I’m sorry if sometimes I’m very busy and I don’t give you the attention that you deserve.” Here’s another example. Woman: “When I call you for dinner, you always take so long to come. I sometimes have to wait for 30 minutes…” Man: “Always? I beg to disagree. Sometimes, I do make you wait. But not for 30 minutes. Probably 10 minutes at most…” Men, stop looking at the facts. It’s not about the fact but about what she feels. It may chronologically be just 10 minutes. But to her, it feels like she’s not important to you for 30 minutes, and she doesn’t care 18
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if the watch says 10 minutes. To her, it’s 30 and that’s a fact! All you have to do is listen, validate what she feels, and say, “I’m sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t know you felt that way.” And then you can promise to be on time for meals.
You Can’t Argue with What She Feels I’ve realized that when a hurting woman speaks, I can’t argue with her emotion. She is speaking the truth. Because when it comes to her emotion, she has absolute knowledge. When my wife says, “Why didn’t you call me today? I was waiting for your call. I was worried about you,” I used to say, “Why will you be worried over me? God takes care of me. Besides, I was busy the whole day with my work!” Now, I know better. I shut my mouth, put my arms around her and say, “I’m sorry. I should have called, but I was in a meeting that I couldn’t get out of. It was a difficult meeting. Thanks for praying for me. I love you.” Now notice: I was able to explain the facts, and at the same time empathize with her. Here’s another common conversation... Woman: “You don’t love me anymore.” Man: “That’s not true. I married you and I’m still here married to you. I go to work every day, earning my salary for you!” 19
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Men, what should our proper response be? Listen. Ask: Why does she feel that way? Ask for forgiveness. Make amends. When she says, “You don’t love me anymore,” she actually means, “Make me important to you again. Care for me. Romance me. Court me.” And here’s a rule on saying sorry: Keep saying it until she forgives. She doesn’t have a “push button” that makes her smile the moment you say, “I’m sorry.” You may have to say it 10 times within a span of 15 minutes or an hour for her to smile at you again. What should women do if husbands don’t do this? The key to your man is appreciation. Appreciate him and point him in the right direction. Tell him, “I just need to talk. If you just listen to me, you’ll make me very happy.” Remember that your man is goal-oriented by nature. If he doesn’t know that simply listening will accomplish something great, he won’t bother because he feels as though it is accomplishing nothing. But by telling him that his listening counts for something, he’ll feel good that he has achieved something.
Men’s Language — or Non-Language Now, let’s translate men’s language or, more accurately, their non-language. Because when they’re upset, they usually keep quiet. And that’s very threatening for women because they don’t do that. 20
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So when men go into their caves, women shouldn’t expect them to talk. Leave them in their caves for a while and honor the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. When women offer help, they’re saying, “I love you, I care for you.” But what men hear is, “You’re incompetent. Let me help.” Later, if you give them space and let them be, your man will come out of that cave and start looking for you. II. How Men and Women Behave Differently John Gray says that men are like rubber bands. Man has an instinctual need to pull back from a relationship from time to time — to feel his independence and autonomy again — and when fully stretched, he can spring back and give much more to his relationship. If a man doesn’t pull away — he won’t be able to feel his strong need to feel close to his woman. I never knew this. But as I reflected on my “intimacy cycle,” I realized it’s true. Women don’t know this. So when they see their men pull away from them, they think they’re to blame! They panic. They think they’ve done something wrong to offend them. So they call them up, pester them, invite them back…. And that won’t be good for the relationship because men do go back to them but without the spring in their heels. They will feel suffocated, strangled and trapped in that relationship. 21
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Pull Back Regularly I realize that when I have regular times of solitude, doing my work alone or just relaxing by myself, I come home to my wife with something to give to the relationship. When I spend days or weeks doing everything together with my wife, I sense that I become more moody, more irritable, more passive in the relationship. When that happens, I know that’s the time for me to pull away for a while. I take a day off and just pray, do some reading, and work for a while. And my wife encourages me to do those things because she knows it will benefit our relationship. She does her stuff and goes out with her girlfriends. Let me say this to women: Your husband, no matter how perfect, can only supply 30 percent of your happiness. The rest should come from your relationship with God and from friends. I encourage my wife to go out with her girlfriends, if possible, at least once a week. That gives me also a chance to be by myself and pull back from the relationship.
Women Are Like Waves If men are like rubber bands, women are like waves. When she feels loved, her self-esteem rises and falls like waves. When she always doesn’t feel loved, her selfesteem will remain low! But even if she feels loved, her 22
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self-esteem won’t always stay high. It’ll still rise and fall like waves. When her wave is up, she feels that she has an abundance of love to give. But when it’s down, she feels overwhelmed and feels an inner emptiness. Again, when a man suddenly sees his woman’s wave crashing, he asks himself, “What did I do wrong now?” The rule is to keep quiet, listen well and support your wife in whatever she’s going through. By being supportive and caring, you may not be able to prevent it from happening, but you can let her go through it with you by her side. And when she bottoms out, she’ll be back to her loving self again. A woman’s capacity to love is directly proportional to how she feels about herself. If she feels good about herself, and if her self-esteem is high, she’ll be more loving and appreciative of her partner. III. How Men and Women Need Different Things In one of my trips, I arrived in my host’s home with the dinner table loaded with food. He definitely wanted to express how important I was and he wanted to show it by preparing a feast. But there was just one tiny problem. This guy loved meat. He was a full-fledged carnivore. And his favorites were steak and roasted pig. There were also liempo, crispy pata, kaldereta and kare-kare. No question about it, this guy loved me. The only problem was that I was a pescavegetarian (I eat only fish and vegetables). But he loved me the way he wanted to be loved. 23
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This is the same mistake we make in our relationships: We love the way we want to be loved. But our partners want to be loved in a totally different way.
Men, Do the Little Things Men, your woman needs caring devotion. Especially in the little things. A man thinks he scores high with his woman if he does a big thing: He works hard at his job and gets a promotion. He buys her a new watch. He takes her on a vacation…. But women tally differently. When they keep score, no matter how small or big the gift is, they give it only one point. Each gift has equal value. Example: • When you arrive home, look for your wife and give her a hug. • Ask how her day was. Give her 20 minutes of undivided attention. Don’t read the paper or watch TV while she’s talking. • Bring her flowers, chocolates or anything she fancies. • Plan dates in advance. When you remind her of your date, you score one point. • Compliment how she looks. • When she’s upset, don’t offer solutions. Just listen. • When she’s hurt over something you did, don’t belittle her feelings. Apologize. 24
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• Give her four hugs a day and tell her, “I love you” a couple of times a day. • Make her more important than the children. Let the children see that you’re giving your attention first to her, then to them. • Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time. What happens to a man when he does these little things? It heals the woman of her resentments towards him. And simultaneously, it also heals his resentments towards her. He feels powerful that he’s able to fulfill his wife!
Women, Appreciate Him Women, do you know how discouraging it is for your husband when he realizes that he cannot fulfill you? But when he sees you smile and become happy because of the little things he does for you, he inwardly feels powerful and accomplished. He tells himself, “I did that. I made her happy.” What does a man need? Appreciation. Appreciate him for the little things he does. Tell him how happy he has made you. And remember that when you appreciate him, you’re encouraging him to continue to move in that same direction. Inwardly, a man wants to be admired by his woman. Women are naturally appreciative of the small things. 25
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When they’re not appreciative, it’s because of two reasons: She doesn’t know it is important to her partner — or she’s stuck in resentment. Here’s how to score points with your man — some higher than others… • He makes a mistake and you don’t say, “I told you so.” • He gets lost while driving and you don’t make a big deal out of it. • He gets lost and you see the good in the situation. • He forgets to pick up something and you say, “It’s OK. Next time.” • He forgets it again (!) and you say, “It’s OK. Next time.” • When he goes into his cave, you don’t make him feel guilty. • When he comes out of his cave, you welcome him and don’t punish him. • When he apologizes for his mistake and you receive it with love. • You’re happy to see him when he gets home. • You don’t give unsolicited advice about his responsibilities. • You ask for his support rather than dwell on his failures. Friends, the key to a great relationship is simple: Love the way your beloved wants to be loved. Now let’s learn how to speak the way our beloved speaks. 26
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Chapter 3
Learning the Love Languages
I
love books. So does my wife. And my 10-year-old son loves them, too. Visit our home and you’ll have to step over piles and piles of books. Some books are better than others, and I share with you my favorite ones. In the previous chapters, I’ve enjoyed sharing with you John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. This time, I’ll share powerful thoughts that can radically change your relationships from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. His main point is life-changing: Each of us has a primary love language — and unless we speak the primary love language of our partners, we won’t be able to love that person in the best way. Gary says there are thousands of dialects and sub-languages, but he says that there are only five basic love languages, namely: • Words of Affirmation • Focused Time Together • Receiving Gifts 27
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• Acts of Service • Physical Touch Each of us has a love tank. Some of our love tanks are empty — not because no one loves us, but because people are loving us in the wrong language. We can’t understand them. So we don’t receive their expressions of love as love. I hope by the end of this chapter, you’ll discover your own primary love language — and the primary love language of your loved ones. Let’s discuss them one by one… I. Words of Affirmation Can I ask you a few questions? When was the last time you thanked your mother for serving you, for all the meals she cooked for you, for every shirt she washed for you? When was the last time you thanked your son for being a fantastic kid, giving you so much joy for being who he is? When was the last time you thanked your husband for every single day he goes to work and sweats it out to put food on the table? When? Last year? Five years ago? Never? Here’s a rule I’ve learned: Praise your spouse and your children seven times a day. I really believe we starve our loved ones with the one thing that they need daily. Instead, we give them a feast — a lauriat of criticisms every day — the very thing they do not need. 28
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You want to see changes in the lives of your family? Do it. Praise each person seven times a day. I know what some of you are saying: “Seven? My goodness. How could I find seven things?” Easy. Change your focus. Right now, I bet you can criticize them seven times a day — because that’s what you’re focused on. Start focusing on the good in them — no matter how small — and you’ll be surprised at the stuff you’ve been taking for granted. II. Focused Time Together But let me warn you: Not all of us have words of affirmation as our primary love language. For example, a husband could tell his wife, “I love you” 36 times a day, but if her primary language is focused time together — and he doesn’t spend time with her regularly — she’ll never be satisfied. So what if he texts her “I miss you” a hundred times a day? That’s really nice, but if her deepest need is to spend time with him, he has to show up and be with her for her to feel really loved. And it’s got to be focused time. I’ve heard husbands complain, “But sweetheart, I’m with you every day! How could you say we don’t spend time together?” Sitting beside each other in the car going to work every day doesn’t count. Sitting beside each other watching TV doesn’t count. 29
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Sitting beside each other in the living room taking care of the kids doesn’t count. Focused time together means time spent facing each other, engaged in deep communication. That’s something that should happen on a daily basis, and for a more lengthy time once a week during a special date. In one study, they interviewed fathers and asked how much focused time they spent with their children. The average answer was “30 minutes per day.” In phase two of the study, using small microphones, they recorded the actual time these fathers spent with their kids. The shocking answer? The average actual time per day was 45 seconds. We think we’re giving time to our loved ones. But in reality, we’re not. Make a decision to increase your focused time with your family. Most likely, whatever you’re giving isn’t enough. Others, however, have another kind of primary love language… III. Receiving Gifts A wife pulls her wedding ring from her finger and throws it at the feet of her husband in a fit of rage. Do you think it would hurt him like a lance thrust into his heart? Yes, because the wedding ring isn’t just an object. It’s a symbol, and symbols carry with it a whole world of meaning. Gifts are like that. It could be just a wild daisy picked up from 30
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the sidewalk — but if it’s given with love to the wife (or to Mom, or a daughter, or Grandma) — its value skyrockets and becomes like gold. Discern if the primary love language of your loved one is receiving gifts. If so, make a deliberate attempt to give inexpensive gifts on a more regular basis. Obviously, on rare occasions, an expensive gift will be appreciated. But don’t underestimate the power of a simple card, a handwritten love letter, a chocolate bar or an MP3 file of her favorite song. IV. Acts of Service Some have acts of service as their primary love language. When someone does stuff for them — helping them in their chores, giving a shoulder massage, running an errand for them — they feel enormously loved. One day, a woman bought a sack of garden soil for their garden. Coming from the store, she parked her car in front of the house. Upon opening the trunk, she saw the bag of garden soil inside and wondered how she’d lift it. At that exact moment, to her delight, her husband peeks through the front door. He hollers, “Sweetheart, be careful! You might hurt your back and get a slipped disc. Remember to use your knees, not your back, when you carry….” 31
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And in the blink of an eye, he disappears into the house! It’s clear that the primary love language of the man was words of affirmation. He was sincere in sharing his concern verbally — but that’s about it. At that particular moment, his wife needed his physical service. Find out if the primary love language of your loved ones at home is acts of service. If so, make a conscious effort to be more helpful. And finally… V. Physical Touch Do you know that a baby’s brain develops much quicker if he is touched more? Babies who are carried more and caressed more grow faster intellectually and even physically than babies who aren’t touched often. Why? Because our bodies are made by God to be touched. And this doesn’t apply to babies only. As we grow older, we still want to be held, embraced and touched by other human beings — especially by those we love. When we get our quota of touch each day, our physical bodies function better, our minds are sharper and our emotions are more stable. And I also believe that our spiritual lives are much more balanced. There’s a group of psychologists who teach that we all need four hugs a day to survive, and seven hugs a day to be really nourished. 32
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I believe them. I also believe that one reason (not the only reason, of course) why kids are sexually promiscuous today is because they’re hungry for love — which includes physical hugs that they don’t get from their parents, particularly from their fathers. I also believe our elderly parents now starve for this kind of affection. Let me ask you this question: When was the last time you hugged your dad? When was the last time you hugged your mom? I encourage you to do this every time you meet. Don’t let the fear of sentimentality steal away from you and your loved ones the joy of being loved and hugged. When it comes to love, you have the license to be as corny and mushy as you want.
How to Know Your Love Language To know your primary love language, ask yourself these four questions… • What makes me feel most loved? • What does the other do that hurts me the most? • What do I request the most from the other? • What do I give the most? One day, a woman approached me after my talk on “Expressing Love.” I will never forget her story. “Bo, my husband died last month,” she said, her tears flowing freely. “He was laughing that morning, had a massive heart attack in the afternoon and died 33
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in the evening.” “I’m so sorry to hear that,” I said, holding her hand. “Can you tell everyone what I’m going to tell you?” she told me. “Yes. What is it?” “All I want to do now is to serve him every day. I want to cook his favorite dish for him, put it on a plate and serve it to him. But I can’t,” she cried. She went on, “Please tell your audience that while they have time, they should show their love to their loved ones. Because a day will come when they won’t be able to do that anymore.” When she left, I was shaken to my core. Friend, can you still show love? Do it. Now turn the page to find out how to make your relationship a fantastic one…
How to Have a Great Marriage
Chapter 4
Fantastic Relationships Don’t Just Happen
A
lady inserted an advertisement in the classifieds. It went like this: “Husband wanted.” The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” That’s the state of many marriages these days. If we want to have a happy marriage, we need great, deep, loving and faithful relationships. The Foundation of All Relationships: Honor Honor is at the very heart of all relationships. The Bible gives this instruction to married people: “You husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect (honor)” (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands need to honor their wives. Wives need to honor their husbands. Children need to show it to their parents and parents need to honor their children. Friends need to honor each other. Believe me, if we honor one another, the results will be dramatic and life-changing!
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Here’s what honor means: It is recognizing the incredible worth of the other person. In other words, honor is in the eye of the beholder. Let me give you an example. If I make a decision that this old chair is not just a worn-out piece of furniture but an antique, I impute value to it. Note that nothing has changed about the chair. I didn’t paint it, I didn’t repair it, I didn’t touch it. But all of a sudden, from something that costs zero, it now costs P50,000. What are antiques? They’re junk. But the moment someone calls the junk an antique — it suddenly has value. I’m in no way saying that you should give value to your husband because he’s an “antique.” Here’s what I’m saying — you’re the one who gives value. A piece of furniture doesn’t say, “I’m an antique!” It’s just there. But you’re the one who has labeled it as valuable. There are art pieces out there that are hideous monstrosities. Until some odd guy says, “Wow, that’s beautiful.” From that moment on, that thing becomes an object of desire — to that person. Friend, see the inner value of the persons in your life. They are God’s gift to you. Honor them. Here are three ways of honoring them…
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1. Prioritize the person over other things, events, hobbies or work. The problem with 90 percent of marriages that I’ve seen is this: One spouse, usually the wife, will say, “I feel that everything on this earth is far more important to you than I am.” And the husband usually doesn’t get what she means. Give your spouse time! Put it on your calendar. Go out on dates, listen to each other, go out on honeymoons. Remember: Your spouse is more important than your friends. Your spouse is more important than your work. Your spouse is more important than the TV, the computer, the bed. 2. You express honor through words and body language. Try this out. When Dad comes home from work, let everyone line up to give him a kiss. And let the wife prepare a comfortable chair, a glass of cold orange juice, his slippers and his newspaper. What would he say? “Is this my house? I think I got the wrong address.” But that’s one way of showing honor, making people feel special through our words and body language. When your kids come home, do you greet them with honor? 37
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Your child is made in the image and likeness of God. Your child has been bought with the price of the blood of Jesus and therefore has an eternal price. Your child is the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. How do you greet that child of God? “Hi, Dad.” “Mmm...” You don’t even look at him. You just keep on reading the paper. When my kids enter the house, I stand up. I give them a hug. Because a person of great value just walked through the door. Sometimes, we are more courteous to visitors than to our wife, our husband and our children. 3. Praise. How often do you praise your loved ones? How often do you criticize them? For many families I know, they’re on a starvation diet of praise but receive three full meals of criticism. And then we wonder why our children are underperforming, why they are rebelling, why they have no confidence, why they are with the wrong crowd. Because we tell them, “You’re stupid.” We tell them, “You’re no good.” We tell them, “You’re never going to change.” I’ve also heard wives or husbands dishonoring their spouses…. “Ang malas ko, sa lahat ng mga isda sa dagat, ikaw pa ang nabingwit ko!” (I’m so unlucky to have married you. 38
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Among all the fish in the sea, you’re the one I caught!) Friends, cultivate the habit of praising your loved ones. Let’s follow what St. Paul tells us, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10). 4. Always Communicate. Here’s what you should never say to the people you love. Because these words hinder true communication. • “I told you so.” • “You’re just like your mother.” • “You just don’t think.” • “It’s all your fault.” • “What’s wrong with you?” • “You get what you deserve.” • “Can’t you be more responsible?” • “I don’t know why I put up with you.” • “I can talk to you until I’m blue in the face and it doesn’t do any good.” • “If you don’t like it, you can just leave.” • “Can’t you do anything right?” • “That was stupid!” • “This is going nowhere. Let’s just separate.” On the sixth month of our marriage, I remember having a huge fight with my wife. In the heat of our anger, I remember my wife and I telling each other, “This is going nowhere. What do you want to happen?” We never said the word “separate,” but that was what we meant. 39
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After the fight, we made up and prayed together. In our prayer, we heard God speak very clearly in our hearts. He said, “In threatening each other with separation, you didn’t only dishonor one another. You dishonored Me. For your marriage is a covenant with Me.” From that time on, we never spoke that way again. That was 10 years ago, and our marriage has been blessed by not even mentioning this possibility in our conflicts. We also learned that when we’re mad, we should apply what James 1:19 teaches us, “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” 5. Invest in Constant Renewal. Recharge your spouse emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. • Start and end each day with a kiss. Don’t be like some couples I know who begin the day shouting at each other, “Wake up! You’re so lazy!” • Wear your wedding ring at all times. Make it a visual reminder of your lifelong commitment. Husband, if you know your weakness is women, I suggest you redesign your wedding ring and make it weigh 300 pounds. That way, you’ll always remember you’re married. • Go on a date with your spouse once a week. It doesn’t have to be expensive. You can eat at home. Or you can dress up to the nines, go to a five-star hotel and order 40
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a glass of Coke. Stay there for three hours and just talk while drinking your Coke ever so slowly. My point is to always spend time and communicate with each other. • Accept differences. Understand that there are some things you’ll never be able to change in your spouse. The moment you accept your spouse for who she or he is, the happier your life will be. She may be super talkative. He may be forgetful. She may not be good at household chores. Or he may be very meticulous. Accept each other anyway. • Give gifts. Again, they don’t have to cost you your annual bonus. You can buy her three pieces of Chocnut. Then make a card using your computer and give it to her. • Smile often. When you’re out or even just across the dinner table, look at each other and smile. Wink at each other often. • Touch each other. Give back rubs and massages. A wife said, “I wish I were a cell phone — someone always holds it, brings it wherever he goes, touches it often, glances at it always, gives it a new case every so often, gives it attention at its every sound, checks if it needs recharging or reloading.” • Laugh together. • Do what your spouse wants before being asked. If you know he’s going to ask you to put on his favorite music in the stereo, why not do it for him without being asked? Ask your spouse, “What can I do to make you happier?” • Call your spouse. In the middle of the day, call her. Text her. 41
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• Hold hands. Wherever you are, in the bus, in the car, walking on the road, hold hands! • Look your best. There should be times when you dress up for each other. Even when there’s no special occasion. • Apologize. • Pray for your spouse daily. We all ask for blessings from God. But here’s something I realized. God has given us the power to create blessings! Yes, you want blessings for your family. But do you actually use your power to create blessings for them? Day in and day out, I do a lot of things for our various ministries. I meet a lot of people, write for our publications, develop talks, tape for our radio and TV programs and daily online show, give talks at the weekly Feast (our community prayer gathering), and a host of other activities that leave me physically exhausted. But I have made a decision to take as many hugs, picnics, kisses, dates, vacations and honeymoons as I can! So, every day, I play with my sons. My wife and I go on our weekly dates. And I call and visit my mom often. I hope by now you get what I’m saying. If you want to have a great marriage, work at it. It doesn’t just happen. You make it happen. Now go and have a fantastic marriage. 42
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Other Books by Bo Sanchez: Inspirational How to Live a Life of Miracles 40 Stories of Passion Don’t Worry, Be Happy How to Turn Thoughts into Things How to Conquer Your Goliaths How Your Words Can Change Your World 5 Things You Need to Do Before You Die Personal Finance Series 8 Secrets of the Truly Rich 8 Sikreto para Maging Tunay na Mayaman Simplify and Live the Good life Simplify and Create Abundance 8 Habits of the Happy Millionaire Kerygma Collection How to Be Really, Really, Really Happy (1st Collection) You Can Make Your life Beautiful (2nd Collection) You Have the Power to Create Love (3rd Collection) Fill Your Life with Miracles (4th Collection) Inner Healing Series Your Past Does Not Define Your Future Stop Hidden Addictions Awaken the Healer in You Singles & Relationships How to Find Your One True Love How to Find Your One True Love, Book 2 40 Stories of Finding Your One True Love How to Build a Happy Family Children’s Book Eagles Don’t Fly, They Soar!
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By Joining the Kerygma Family, You Receive a Mountain of Blessings for Your Spiritual Life Here’s what will happen to you when you join the Kerygma Family: 1. You’ll receive daily Bible reflections for your spiritual growth. 2. Each month, you’ll get to read an online copy of Kerygma, the #1 Catholic inspirational magazine in the Philippines. 3. You’ll belong to a borderless, global, non-physical community spread all over the world connected through prayer and the desire for personal growth. 4. You shall have the special privilege of supporting this expansive work of the Lord (totally optional!), which includes Anawim, a ministry for the poorest of the poor, the abandoned elderly; Shepherd’s Voice, a media ministry that uses TV, radio, print, and the Internet to broadcast God’s love to spiritually hungry people worldwide. 5. You and your intentions shall be included in our intercession team’s prayers.
To join the Kerygma Family, log onto www.kerygmafamily.com or call tel. no. (02) 725-9999. Don’t delay! You will be very blessed.
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