Secrets of Female Psychology How to Handle Pleasure Resistance: Understanding Her Sex Drive
by Lawrence Lanoff
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How To Handle Pleasure Resistance
How To Handle Pleasure Resistance: Understanding Her Sex Drive "When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile." –Regina Brett Have you ever asked your partner for sex and been shut down, rejected? It’s not fun at all. And it can really create emotional stress and trauma. I’ve been there. I once had a lover tell me that my favorite oral sex technique sucked – while I was going down on her. That was the last time I ever performed that technique on her – or anyone – until I figured out what I’m about to tell you. I was coaching a couple who had both been in previous relationships in which their partners rejected them sexually. Which sucks. The guy said he just stopped trying to have sex with his ex-partner because it just hurt too much to be turned down again and again. This left him feeling insecure about his cock, his performance, and it even left him questioning his ability to please her at all. This is an obvious and natural response to rejection. The woman said that in her past relationship, her partner never initiated sex. They would go months without sex unless she went out of her way to get dick. This left her feeling like something must be wrong with her and that he must find her unattractive. They both eventually got out of these shitty relationships and found each other in what they both hoped was a new beginning. However, they carried festering wounds around the fear of being sexually rejected again. Now, a year later, they found their relationship was in trouble because of a vicious cycle of sexual insecurity. If Brian approached Rachel, and she
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wasn’t in the mood, he would go into total collapse, withdrawing and being terrified to initiate sex again for days or weeks.
Rachel would see he was no longer initiating and felt like she was being sexually rejected and questioned his attraction to her. She felt like he wasn’t turned on by her. On and on this vicious cycle went. And I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Yikes.
Busting Another Huge Sex Myth I realized the main problem was a lack of sexual options, flow, and sexual creativity. People hit a roadblock and give up. This couple, like many others, is overwhelmed by a perceived lack of options and learned bad habits . Here’s the real problem, though. Brian and Rachel both suffered from the common sexual myth that real sex, “in love” sex, should only happen one way: spontaneously. They thought sex needed to happen when they were both completely overcome with passion for each other. Typical romance-novel bullshit. Here’s why: Like all of us, their relationship had many other common life stressors acting against freedom and spontaneity - like money issues, moving to a new city, and Rachel looking for a new job. With all the normal life crap going on, finding a “spontaneous” sexual moment – when they were both feeling carefree, energized, and chomping at the bit to jump each other’s bones – is like trying to find a sexleprechaun. When you do fuck because of spontaneous mutual horniness, it’s a wonderful thing. Awesome. Two thumbs up. But it’s a bit like waiting for the Easter bunny. It’s a cute myth, but it has little to do with reality.
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Spontaneity must be put into a calendar and planned for. You can do the math on that. During stressful times, it’s important to be aware of our resistance to pleasure, our resistance to be kind to ourselves and others.
Pleasure Resistance is What’s Going On Some people may even feel that sex with their partner is just one more thing they don’t have the time or energy for. But that is when it is most important that we connect and seek the support of one another. Sex serves to bond and heal relationships. Sex reconnects us.
Planning For Spontaneous SEX! Planning For Pleasure Planning sex isn’t just for people with kids. We make plans about when we are going to eat, what we are going to eat, when we are going to exercise, and when we will go to bed. We schedule all kinds of important life sustaining, health maintaining habits, but for some reason we often don’t take the time to pencil in the healthy, relationship sustaining act of having sex and sharing pleasure with one another. Which is what we all want. Great sex. Even good sex.
So waiting for spontaneity is ridiculous. We all have busy lives and it’s easy to get caught up in stress. That is why we must take the initiative and just plan on it whether we feel like it in the moment or not. Typically, most people find that all they need to do is get started and they will find the path to good and horny.
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Furthermore, people often see sex as a job that they are too tired to be interested in because they are having goal-oriented sex, which I teach about in my other program “How to give each other 45-minute orgasms.”
How to Plan for Spontaneous Sex Step 1: Break out your calendars together. Discuss a minimum of 1 time a week where both of you can count on the possibility of sex happening. I personally prefer to schedule 3 times per week. Step 2: Once you have the times scheduled – protect them. Treat them like you would a professional commitment. Step 3: Understand there is a very real thing called pleasure resistance – and be on the lookout for it. Step 4: Plan a big sex date at least once a month. Put it in your calendar. Put the big important things in your calendar first, or small things will eat up your time. Step 5: Have fun. Relax. You now have sex in your calendar.
How To Kill The Fun Being success-oriented makes sex seem draining. Rachel and Brian were performance focused and caught up in worrying how attractive the other person found them and how good they were at satisfying each other. Rachel was interested in being the “perfect” lover. Brian was trying to chase Rachel’s orgasms. That stressed her out. And when or if she didn’t cum, he felt like a failure. So she began faking orgasms to get it over with. My friends, hear me on this. This is WAYYYYYYYY too much work. And not fun. Sex is Adult Fun – Playtime.
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Consciously choosing to focus on being in the moment during sex, being aware of your body is key. Sex happens in your body. Not your head. And, especially in relationships, making the entire sexual encounter the number one priority, so we can experience connection and pleasure, rather than getting to the finish line, gets rid of the insecurities and second guessing that sucks all the pleasure out of sex. However, the biggest mistake Rachel and Brian were making was taking each other’s resistance to pleasure personally.
Resistance to Pleasure is Not Personal Allowing pleasure resistance to hurt each other’s feelings is itself another form of pleasure resistance. When you hear no to a sexual offer, keep in mind that it is not you they are saying no to, but rather, an element of your offer. Instead, of wallowing in hurt feelings and allowing your own pleasure resistance to be triggered, it’s your job to find out what part of your offer they aren’t interested in. Simple. I want to have anal sex. She says “no.” If I take that personally, then I’m giving way to pleasure resistance. Instead, if I counter offer, then I am free to find something that works for both of us.
Overcoming Pleasure Resistance Step 1: Think about what you want. Step 2: Make an offer. Step 3: Observe. Is your partner a yes, a no, or a maybe? If your partner is a yes, go to Step 5. Step 4: Adjust Your Offer According To Feedback. Find out what your partner might say yes to. You can come right out and just ask
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what element of your offer he or she isn’t interested in in order to get to the bottom of what they want, but I find most people are really poor at communicating their sexual needs, so what I would suggest is get to the bottom of things by making some alternative offers. Examples In Action: You could ask if your partner would be interested in a back rub, or a snuggle, or perhaps just lying back and allowing you to give him or her oral sex, or, if you guys are used to having sex for long amounts of time, ask if the other would be interested in a little 10minute quickie. Typically, once some amount of contact is accepted, the other person’s resistance diminishes and you will find that these alternative offers turn into sex. Step 5: When you find something that you are both a yes to, take action. This is called seducing your partner into pleasure – with no endgame in mind. And just because your partner agreed to an alternative offer, doesn’t mean he or she can’t change his or her mind and accept your original offer. However, you will only find this happening if you genuinely are not trying to manipulate things to this end. If you use this technique as a way of manipulation, your partner will sense it and will be turned off even more. So, keep your focus on wanting to experience the present moment and SCHEDULE time to sexually connect with your partner. Your relationship will continue thriving!
Sex is The Path With No Path – Only Pleasure
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