How a Man Attained Samadhi on His Own

How a man attained samadhi on his own Fourth Chapter – Yoga (from the book Один в океане by Slava Kurilov) amateur translation from Russian by justuser The text in brackets marked with * is not part of the original text Yoga I read my first book on yoga on the first course at the institute. It was something I have long been waiting for unconsciously. There was some secret in yoga. For the first time I encountered something that wasn’t possible to understand through reading. All books on yoga gave only direction and no information. Yoga was such a mystery for me, as was the Amazon for travelers hundred years ago. Those, who decided to go downstream on a raft or a boat, disappeared without leaving a trace. And the jungles attracted more and more explorers. Under the circumstances in the Union (Soviet)* I couldn’t visit the Amazon (and how I wanted to!) and instead of this with all my passion I set off on a journey in hatha-yoga. I could completely feel myself as discoverer. My equipment on this journey was a towel, rolled into a ball – for headstand, and a mat for exercises. I ignored the advice: yoga – this is a dangerous path, one should not step on it without a teacher. There was saying: “If the student is ready, the teacher will come”. It was clear, that I wasn’t ready – so I had to become my own teacher. My main law became one of the principles of karma yoga: “Work for the sake of work only, and not for the sake of its fruits”, that is to say I performed each exercise – physical or breathing – so thoroughly as if it was an end in itself. It was written a lot about yoga, but, judging by all, a great part of it was written by people, who haven’t practiced yoga. If one has gained proficiency in performing asanas, it has to do more with sports achievements – a good gymnast can do without effort each of them. If one has imposed on himself not to eat meat and fish, the he is simply staying on a diet – usually ill people are prescribed a strict dietary regime too. And even if a student practices meditation, quite often it turns out, that the same person is just sitting with closed eyes. A friend of mine bought a mantra for a lot of money, hanged a portrait of a bearded guru,whom he has never seen, in his car, stopped sleeping with women and began to eat only in vegetarian reastaurants. In one of my first books on yoga I came across the words of a teacher addressing the student: “You shouldn’t be just keen on yoga, only whey yoga becomes your motor (or driving force)*, then and only then you can expect serious results”. (Then)* I remembered, how in my childhood my friends were amazed by my patience, discovering that I can sit with fishing rod whole day, looking at the float and not catch even one fish (then I had so much patience and I still wasn’t experimenter), and decided that perhaps I was fit for yoga. Knowing about it (yoga)*, I couldn’t stop myself from practicing it, regardless of that if I will achieve some success or not. From the moment when I took the decision to the moment, when the first “samadhi” stunned me, passed exactly ten years. The first five years nothing remarkable happened with me. I lived my internal life and devoted all my free time to exercises. For several years I performed asanas – static postures. I lived in a hostel of the institute, we were five persons in one room, there was no space for exercises. I used to take my mat and towel and go either in the basement, or in the attic and sometimes in the red room (not clear what is meant)*, if it was vacant. I preferred practicing in darkness, without clothes, in place, where it was relatively quiet. I could easily assume any posture without a preliminary preparation. Many years ago I was keen on gymnastics with elements of acrobatics. At that time there were few masters of sport, they called me “iron amateur”, during competitions I used to bring maximum score to my team. On the whole I began practicing gymnastics by chance. At the first lesson of physical culture in my life I was the only person in my class who couldn’t lift himself even once on the horizontal bar. The teacher put me in front of the whole class. “Look at this girl” – he began. The colour of shame flooded my face, I don’t remember even a word more, although he, as it seemed to me, talked for half an hour. 1

I had to overcome this. In four years I became the best gymnast in the school, in six years our team won the championship of the city, and in seven I entered in the national team of Kazakhstan. I met my teacher of physical culture on a knock-out competition, he was judge. I performed some complicated exercises on the horizontal bar, and after a somersault landed on the mat. He recognized me and cheerfully winked at me, when nobody was looking at us. I took part in all Union’s (Soviet)* competitions as part of the national team of Kazakhstan, and after a year – in the championship of the armed forces. We loved posing – we used to do handstands between the dishes and glasses on the tables in restaurants, on the handrails of staircases and balconies, on fences or on the very edge of something, and perhaps falling from there would have meant breaking one’s neck. At that time I didn’t get the point of the exercises. I assumed the posture in turn and stayed in it, until I felt discomfort. I tried to concentrate only on the exercises and breathed the way advised in books with photographies and detailed description of poses, circulating in the samizdat (illegal literature in the Soviet Union)*. I possessed limitless patience, didn’t expect any results in the near future and got from the exercises only good general condition. At one time I combined studies at the institute with work as diver on a life-saving station. There I had at my disposal free time and space - in the corridor of the second floor, where I usually spread out my mat. When in the station there was need for my help, one of the divers shouted from below with his palms around his mouth like megaphone: “Yohhh!!” 1 . If I was standing on my head at that time (I used to stay for an hour), I shouldn’t get to my feet at once, and I went down the stairs on all fours. I went, without lifting my head up, to my diving equipment and continued preparing myself like that for five minutes. Sometimes we had guests – seeing me, coming on all fours, they questioningly looked at the others around. There was a large field for jokes and unbelievable explanations. The method, proposed by hatha-yoga is one of the most difficult ones, but then again is intended for all-round psycho-physical training. There are a lot of surprises in store for the student, if he practices without teacher: superexcitation, hyperagitation, fear from unknown sensations, ecstatic and frightening states, not to be encountered in the normal life. There is no one to ask about, the necessary book you won’t find, there are no teachers, there is no one to share with – all that awaits the student at first. But an encounter with the unknown lies ahead only for those, for whom yoga has become the motor (or driving force)*, no dangers await moderate people, not even anxiety, and if one doesn’t go to extremes, one can be sure, that nothing unexpected will happen. Preparatory exercises include asanas – static postures, pranayama – correct breathing and mudras – the first two, but on a higher level. Several years I devoted only to asanas an cleansing exercises. I had favourable days, when I could practice for several hours a day, unfavourable – not more than two hours a day and most favourable – up to twelve hours a day. Once I had to spend some time on a ship in Sevastopol on the territory of a naval base. The most comfortable place for exercises I found on the captain’s bridge. But when I had to stand on my head, my legs stick up behind the handrail. At that time some military ship was moored nearby. The sailors, seeing my legs, jutting out behind the handrail, at first were at loss – what could this mean, and after that decided to make a visit. Clarifying the matter they took it into their heads to use my achievements for practical purposes: they asked to sneak in a bottle of vodka through the checkpoint, which was strictly prohibited. At the checkpoint were standing two young termagants. They professionally inspected from heat to toe all suspicious ones, and if something in men stuck out above the norm, those women without batting an eyelid began feeling there. Having observed the situation at the checkpoint for half an hour, I understood that there is no way of hiding alcohol in the folds of the clothes, and chose another, the only possible way. I bought two bottles of vodka, just in front of the checkpoint sucked up the stomach, inserted there the two bottles, retained my breath and appeared at the gates with a pass in my hands. The termagants stopped me without looking at the pass and began carefully inspecting. It was summertime. I was dressed in tight trousers and sleeveless top. One of them said: “I see it in your eyes, that you carry something, but where, I can’t understand”. I was short on air in my lungs and both bottles popped out of my stomach. The guards were so astonished, that they didn’t even take neither the vodka, nor the pass. After some training in front of a mirror I got proficiency in looking at the inspectors no longer furtively, but instead openly and dragged over a good deal of vodka for the military sailors from the neighbouring ship. 1

Йог (Yog) is the Russian analog for the Indian word yogi, from there the muffled Yohhh

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In one of the sources it was recommended to begin with exercises in negative concentration without waiting until perfection in pranayama is achieved. Negative concentration – this is the ability not to think of anything, constantly observing oneself, not letting incoherent toughts in one’s head as long as one wants. I devoted to this exercise all the time, when my mind was not busy: in the transport, queuing or waiting for somebody. I got down to the breathing exercises in the fifth year of my trainings, before that I have been practicing preparatory breathing exercises and trained a lot just in breath retention. The cleansing exercise bhastrika 2 had strengthened my abdominal muscles very much, diver’s immersions (two thousand hours under water) and swimming in the sea in all kind of weather conditions developed my lungs and I started with the second step of yoga. Until now I didn’t encounter any anomalous phenomena. The warnings about dangers in asanas and cleansing exercises were without a doubt fair. I nearly broke my neck, standing on my head on the rocking deck during a gale. I found a way to get over this difficulty, remembering the wanderings of Odysseus: I asked the sailors to tie me to the mast with legs up, and to untie me after an hour. Making too great efforts in asanas I strained muscles and tendons. Once I almost suffocated, performing a quite complicated exercise: bandage 6 meters in length got stuck like a lump in my oesophagus as I pulled it out of my stomach, it became necessary to pull with force and the bandage blocked up my throat. Later I passed through an examination in one of Moscow’s hospitals in order to take part in experiments with an underwater station. A nurse approached the sick ones and assisted in swallowing a rubber probe. For one who is not used to it it’s a quite excruciating procedure. While she was spending time in helping others, I briskly swallowed mine. - Do you have an ill stomach? – the nurse was surprised. - No. - Where did you learned swallowing the probe so bravely? In yoga there are interesting exercises for the eyes: looking at a shining point without blinking or looking at the sun during its rising or setting. With the first exercise I bursted a blood vessel in my eye due to tension, and with the second a dark stain covered all objects and I could see only with the peripheral vision, turning my head fast. There were also other troubles. Recovering from that I invariably returned to trainings. Almost all of the sources don’t recommend to take to intensive breathing exercises without a teacher, otherwise they promise hallucinations, psychic aberrations, insanity and other calamities. Those warnings played a great role for me. If there weren’t promises for all those intriguing calamities, I would have lost patience and given up these practices. I performed breathing exercises particularly thoroughly, counting the rhythm through the heartbeats, as was expected for one to do. Every time, beginning with the exercises, I prayed to the teachers there, in the heaven, that they send me at least a tiny hallucination or slight fit of insanity as a reward for the diligence. I managed to pass through the most difficult phase in breathing only thanks to my extreme curiosity toward hallucinations and insanity. One occasion helped me in advancing in alternated breathing. I had to close now one, now the other nostril with the thumb or the middle finger, and hold the index finger on the bridge of the nose. I did this exercises in military tank adapted for hydrological expeditions on the lake of Baikal. The tank rocked in all directions on ice-hummocks, the frost was under minus forty degrees. The constructors haven’t planned heating inside the tank (maybe it was supposed to be used in tropics), it was very cold, we were sitting in bear fur coats and felt boots, and my index finger couldn’t hit even the tip of my nose. On the lake the ice in its biggest part is even, but here we were driving out in the field of the ice hummocks. I tried to get by without using fingers, and suddenly I managed to do it. That is a very important exercise, serving as a point of departure for other, more interesting ones. It is best to perform breathing exercises in padmasana posture, or a bit worse, in siddhasana. In order to be able to perform padmasana, I needed several years and as much years to hold it without tension not less than half an hour. Siddhasana served as a pose for rest, in order to return again to padmasana. Around the ninth year I began to come closer to the main breathing exercise – imperceptible breathing. Concentration is possible only on the basis of that breathing. It is necessary to learn to convert pendulum breathing (inhalation – exhalation) into vibrational breathing, in which the lungs remain 2

Some yoga schools call the cleansing exercise kapalabhati with the name bhastrika, and bhastrika itself with the name bhastra kumbhaka.

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motionless or almost motionless and take part in breathing on an equal footing with the whole body. (It shouldn’t be mistaken for shallow breathing.) When the breathing rhythm is correctly chosen one can gradually erase the boundary between inhalation and exhalation. The body is in vibrational mode, in this part of the body, from which the inhalation begins the vibrations are more perceptible. If one begins inhalation from the toes and gradually takes it along the whole leg, then where the consciousness is, there one feels the vibrations. It is easier to feel them in the hands and legs or at once in the whole body. Much more difficult is mastering the vibrations in the spine and the internal organs – it is necessary not only to learn to reach all parts of the body, but also to refine the vibrations. That is a matter of long and painstaking work and is part of the third step of yoga, called “prana-yama”, from the word “prana” – cosmic energy, that pervades everything living. If the hands or the whole body is shaking because of cold, fear or lust, then I would call this shivering, so that it wouldn’t be mistaken for vibrations. When one has mastered to some degree the technique of vibrational breathing, it’s quite easily to buzz with the hole body, like bumble-bee, or buzz in tact of a melody. On this level one has mastered the grossest vibrations, and the main work lies ahead. Everything I did before that can be called gymnastics, acrobatics, diet, only not yoga. From this moment on begins the most difficult, dangerous, from teachers’ viewpoint, but also the most interesting part. One has to refine the vibrations and keep the yogic shape similar to that of an athlete, because without practice on loses it, but then again it is recovered fast if training is resumed. I carried out an experiment in a pool. I put on a belt with weights, lied down by the pool, brought my body in vibrational mode, next, sliding carefully into the water, lied down on the bottom and continued breathing in this mode. I easily withstood four minutes and think that with little more training I could bring the period under water to fifteen minutes. There is no difference, but a long preparation is necessary. The more subtler the vibrations and deeper the relaxation, the longer one can stay under water. Exercises in refining the vibrations require asceticism. In order to keep in shape, one has to continue doing asanas, cleansing exercises and stay on a strict diet, alternating it with full fasting for ten to twelve days. And of course, one has to learn how to relax deeper and deeper. Refining the vibrations and relaxation, maybe, even are one and the same process, one step in relaxation leads to refinement right away. Coffee and alcohol, as I noticed from my own experience, causes the vibration to grow grosser perceivably. I haven’t tried any kind of narcotics, except for marihuana, and I don’t know what is the effect of their usage, but smoking marihuana refines the vibration exceptionally deep. For a reason some teacher offered his disciples that they try once and have a smoke of marihuana, in order to get the feeling, what they have to achieve by means of yogic exercises. Approximately at that time I came across paranormal phenomena for the first time. I lived on the island of Olhon, secluded in the forest, in a hut, aside from a village. I worked in a local weather station as engineer-hydrologist. My duties were not complicated – collecting information from thirteen weather stations, scattered in the north part of the lake of Baikal. The people lived under primitive conditions, two-three families in every station. Instead of carrying out a scientific observation, they preferred chopping woods in the forrest, lighting the oven and boiling soop even if once a day. In the summer it was difficult to get water with a bucket due to gales, and in the winter one had to hollow ice one and a half meter thick. Men delivered their children on their own. They got rarely ill, probably because within hundred kilometers from there there wasn’t even one doctor. The closest hospital was on the island of Olhon in our village. And in Irkutsk, in the information center learned meteorologists racked their brains over the mystery of digits, made phenomenal discoveries, and after that thinking again they asked me to get to a station (there was no way by land, and by sea or through the ice it was very difficult to get there) and check once again all observations on the spot. I attempted in teaching my collaborators to forecast data, but their heads were so full of woods, children, washing, repairs, jealousy and god knows what more, that I preferred to get the digits by myself, check them and send them in the scientific center. In order to cope with this work, it was sufficient for one to know counting to ten. My mind was free, which is very important for the practice of yoga, nobody disturbed my seclusion. I got up at five in the morning and did exercises till eight thirty (a.m.)*. From nine (a.m.)* to five (p.m.)* I had to sit behind the desk where at the same time I practiced breathing exercises. From five (p.m.)* to nine (p.m.)* I exercised again at home, at nine (p.m.)* I went to bed, I trained one more hour vibrational breathing during deep relaxation and around ten I fell asleep. I slept on

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a bear fur coat, spread out on the floor – in the hut there was nothing, except for this fur coat and two suitcases. This time I noticed, that the wind intensified and the cables behind the wall were buzzing differently – through the buzzing of the cables I determined the intensity of the wind. The cables weren’t buzzing any more, but somehow they were singing, like strings of a guitar. Lying, I entered in a vibrational breathing rhythm and involuntarily listened attentively to the singing of the cables and then I began buzzing with my whole body in time with the resonance. Suddenly with me began to happen something incomprehensible. The singing of the cables caused exceptionally subtle vibrations, it seemed as if each cell was vibrating. In the next moment the vibrations rushed down through the neck and pervaded my whole body a little more grossly than in the head. After several seconds the vibrations of my body began to grow more and more subtle and reaching their peak stopped. Some great force threw me in the air and the floor under me disappeared. I found myself in complete weightlessness. I was gripped by terror, great resistance to this unknown state appeared in me. If it wasn’t for the fear and that desperate resistance, I would have experienced only enjoyment. Everything began so suddenly, that I didn’t manage to understand what happened. At that time in my body again appeared the exceptionally subtle vibrations, they began to grow grosser, then they went through my neck to my head and changing their frequency disappeared – at this instant I landed smoothly, under me appeared the floor. Idiot! Coward! That was levitation! In an extreme excitement I paced from one corner to the other in my room the whole night, recalling even the slightest nuances of that state and cursing myself for the missed opportunity to remain a little more in it. Taking to breathing exercises I didn’t know what was the use of them. One author has mentioned in passing – let the breathing exercises speak for themselves. I think that when I immersed myself deep in vibrational breathing, a resonance occurred: the subtler vibrations of the cables were superimposed on my grosser ones and this led to such captivating state. I would have had to work over myself quite a lot before I could achieve the same effect by myself. Here again on Baikal I was terribly keen on other phenomenon – night flights during sleep. Many people told me, that they fly during sleep, but on asking for details I didn’t get even once an answer. I had to learn to fly on my own. Once I had a dream that I was clambering up a vertical rock and was seeing, to my horror, that the ledges were getting more and more smaller and there was nothing at all to cling to. And here I became aware, that here I had to have fallen already in the precipice, but some force was supporting me. It turned out, that I can fly, and I needed the rock more like psychological support. I wanted much, that this state of weightlessness appears during the next night too. The transition to sleep is usually carried out through superficial gross vibrations somewhere in the region of the head and neck and if usual dreams begin, this is rather a half-unconscious state. This time in my dream I found myself in some unknown area and very soon felt that other, more subtler vibrations went through my, this time not physical, but more subtle body, in which I abided. Consciousness came back to me. I knew that my physical body was sleeping calmly in the hut, and I am god knows where, but I am indissolubly connected with my body. I tried to fly up but at height greater than five meters began getting cold feet. As soon as the confidence is lost, you lower yourself to the ground involuntarily, as if with parachute. Then I began to take run-ups and fly up, lower myself down and again fly up higher and higher. Much later I read about the existence of infraastral and astral body, here I want to mention my personal experiences, not using foreign terminology. Then I was just experiencing unknown states and I still didn’t know anything about other bodies from personal experience. In the beginning I tried helping myself with hands, but later understood there was no use of that – a flight is controlled only by thought. Almost every night I continued learning to fly. If I couldn’t attain this state, I regarded the night as lost. I included in my exercises all that, what I believed could help for the flights. I read somewhere shamans, in order to get in a state of trance, performed movements similar to wild dance. Before I went to bed, I ran through rough terrains to exhaustion, and after that went into dance in my hut. And I performed one more exercise every day after work. In the lake itself was a high rock Shaman-stone. I went up on the top, sat down by the ledge and for an hour trained mentally falling down. I imagined that I’m falling off and going down again and again, in order to experience real sensations of falling. Both of these exercises helped me a lot. Gradually I lost all interest for daytime, I used it only for developing the exercises. I tried not to meet and talk to anybody, didn’t read books nor newspapers, didn’t go to the cinema, I didn’t distract myself with anything. I don’t recall anything about 5

the four months, which passed since the flights began, perhaps I lived in a half-conscious state. But on the other hand what nights I had! I started going to bed earlier in order to shorten the days and I had only to lie down on my bear fur coat, almost the next instant I enjoyed the subtle vibrations – and my consciousness came back to me in an other reality. Then I didn’t know that it was possible to control flights in time and space through more complex exercises, that’s why I found myself god knows where. I didn’t like big cities and flew high over them, I preferred gliding low over small villages. I remember, once I was flying over a marketplace of some eastern town. An elderly woman was carrying a wicker basket in one hand and a bundle in the other one. Suddenly she raised her head, and catching sight of me above her, dropped her things and landed on the ground of amazement. The passers-by started looking up and noticed me, I had to fly away. Before that for some reason I thought that I was invisible. On another place I wanted to have a look at people sitting at a festive table in the garden. I hovered above them but they noticed me right away and I had to fly away. Once a dog began to bark at me, when I was going to examine a flowerbed by a luxurious villa. One day after night flights I wanted to remember in more details the appearance of an old town, but except for pointed roofs I didn’t remember anything. I saw only roofs. Once I had a dream of a palace half-facing a bay. I was wandering in the night on the long balcony on the second floor. The moon was shining. I felt, that I could fly and noiselessly raised myself high in the air. I felt the desire to have a flight over the bay, over its silvery surface. I began descending until I touched the water. There was no resistance, no splashes, nor choppiness. The water surface remained undisturbed as before. I descended even lower and found myself half in the air, half in the water – the speed of the flight didn’t decrease. Then I immersed myself in the water and was rushing through it like dolphin. After this first try every time when I was able to fly during sleep and found myself above water, I descended and swam there like a fish – on bottoms, in vertically falling waters and in shallow water among fish flocks. Once I had a dream that I was in a prison. I found myself in the prison yard among prisoners in striped clothing. Suddenly I found out I could fly. I gave no signs of it, there was guard around, it was dangerous, and I began peering up, there where between the roof and the high fence could be gaps. I discerned something like a small hole, flew up fast, squeezed through the opening and flew out in freedom. I remember being on feast in a castle. The guests were sitting at a table in a big hall. I took some girl in a secluded corner and just embraced her, when I sensed the familiar vibrations. I left her and flew toward the roof, but all windows at the top were closed. The hall was being lighted by candles, multitude of candles were standing on tables. I was noticed and had no other choice but to fly out in a hurry through the high metal doors. I keep many wonderful memories of night trips. But later a cousin of mine came to visit me with her friend and I had to switch to day life for a whole month. I continued to fly but by no means every night and lost shape. After their departure I returned to my exercises. When I began actively performing all known to me exercises for refining the vibrations, started those phenomena, of which the sources warned, especially when I got down to work with the spine. New unfamiliar states arose. During long, established vibrational breathing arises feeling of light ecstasy, but as soon as it passes through the line of the already experienced one, there and then a rise to fear and resistance is given. I didn’t have enough courage to throw myself head first into the unknown. Unconscious reaction of the body is to stop immediately and return to normal sensations. All this reminds a play with fire with the difference that in this case the fire doesn’t burn but causes enjoyment the more closer you go to it. Before I managed to experience intense ecstatic states, I had to go through experiences similar to terror from a first jump with parachute. When strange, unknown, captivating sensations appeared, I interrupted the practice right away. But once, plucking up my courage, I allowed myself to do a step more into the unknown – and I got caught. I was sitting in half-unconscious state for a long time and found myself in the yard of my home in Semipalatinsk, where I spend my childhood. Suddenly around me rouse a whirlwind, it entered my body, some mighty force tore me off the ground and took me upwards. The state went out of control – unbearable enjoyment with chilling fear, which I couldn’t stop any more. I shrieked in horror and resisted with all my strength until finally I managed to break free. I woke up on my mat safe and sound and at once I regretted that – I had to remain in that state until it 6

natural end. For two weeks I feared approaching the dangerous boundary. Much later I found description of similar state under the name “juddi-samadhi”. I had great interest in all kinds of insanity. I talked with madmen and schizophrenics, trying to understand what that was. From my personal experience I concluded, that schizophrenia is taking of only one viewpoint or following always one and the same convictions. The most interesting period for me was, when I came across new viewpoint. I used to take it and make use of it and examine the world under its angle, making for myself very useful observations. Thanks to all these mental exercises my ability for concentration improved. Then I didn’t know what would be the use of it in the future. Around the tenth year of practice I began to think more and more about the three high stages of concentration: fifth – concentration, sixth – contemplation, seventh – samadhi. One occasion encouraged me to take to concentration. I was finishing my studies in social psychology in the evening department of the Pedagogical Institute of Leningrad called Gertsena. Topics which were offered for degree works, were “Karl Marx and ….”, “Lenin and ….”, “The role of the communist party in ….” – in a word, the most sickening ones. One topic attracted me: “Psychology of creative work”. I didn’t want only to select material, but also write something from me. My reference book at that time was “Tertsium ogranum or the key to the mysteries of the world” by P. D. Uspenki, disciple of Gurjiev. I had learned it almost by heart long ago. There were quite a lot of philosophical questions, which could become subject for concentration. In one of the books on yoga it was recommended for one to choose some idea and to rack one’s brain over it day and night, until it gets resolved. That was what I did. Now I don’t recall which of Uspenski’s ideas I picked for concentration, that’s not important, I remember only that that idea contained opposites and in that lied its insolvability. Getting down to concentration I followed the instructions of all sources known to me, although some of them advised quite the opposite to what the others advised. I couldn’t perform concentration for several hours a day sitting in padmasana posture on the mat facing east. I had to go to work and was engaged in all sort of domestic matters. At that time I was part of a team of underwater explorers and worked in the in institute for projects. The job wasn’t difficult. We were consultants and were waiting for hour time – when underwater apparatuses would be devised, constructed and lowered into the water. The first two weeks it was unbearable to return again and again to one and the same idea. I often got distracted, constantly catching myself that involuntarily I was thinking about something else. At the end of the next month that idea wasn’t acting on me like tooth ache and I got accustomed to it. I went to bed holding it in my consciousness and waking up I got to it earlier than I took my toothbrush. I didn’t expect fast results, prepared myself for long work and decided to arm myself with limitless patience – I was either going to go around the bend or see the matter through to the end. A stream of disorderly thoughts distracted me as before, but returning to the object of concentration became easier. But soon everything changed unexpectedly. In the literature on yoga the information about concentration is very contradictory, but nowhere is said that it is easy. Resting on my personal experience, I would conditionally divide the path of concentration in three phases. On the first – the mind reminds a racehorse which one has to break in. This phase is the most difficult. The main difficulty consists not in that the horse throws down endlessly the horseman, but in that the horseman during one wonderful day says to himself: “Why do I need this? This way leads nowhere”. In order that one goes through that phase, faith and fanaticism are necessary. The second phase is very interesting. When the horse is broken in and the horseman had learned to ride it, the horse for sure won’t go to the right place. The second phase – that is the path of temptations: if you are poet in your head will arise so wonderful verses, that you will, of course, catch the pen, if you are scientist – brilliant thoughts, if artist – amazing pictures and so on. As if a devil-tempter, knowing you very well, is tossing to you the most interesting ideas, the most favorite melodies, visions, verses – only to get diverted from the outlined path. The third phase is the shortest and relatively easy – it remains little more to the goal, only a little patience is needed. Everything began with that, an interesting idea came into my head and I got so carried away with it, that I even forgot about concentration. I thought over it for two days until it was exhausted, and after that I gave myself a word not to get diverted any more. Several days I held honestly the object of concentration in my consciousness, but afterwards again an interesting thought came and I couldn’t give it up. “Only for a short while” – I told to myself. I 7

absolutely forgot about concentration, and a couple of days passed before I left with regret this new thought and returned to my main puzzle. I convinced myself that this way the things wouldn’t work, I shouldn’t step off the intended path. Next everything went the wrong way. I remember only that summer came, but I didn’t notice it. Brilliant ideas, that’s how I regarded them, occurred to me, answers to once put and unsolved questions, hazy parts in read books cleared up. Thoughts which, it seemed to me, I fully understood, suddenly assumed a new deeper meaning. Again many philosophical problems arose – the opposites began to converge and what seemed the same became different. I constantly fought against myself, now returning to concentration, now getting carried away completely. Sometimes I said: “Enough! I will be occupied only with concentration!” – but I was tossed such things, which I couldn’t resist. I remember how on one of the expeditions in Black sea we returned to the shore after underwater works and saw our cameraman Igor sitting with closed eyes and saying one and the same phrase: “I will be faithful to my wife! I will be faithful to my wife!”. He has been surrounded by three pretty girls: one was sitting on one of his knees, the other on the other knee, and the third was standing behind his back – all three were caressing him tenderly. Approximately the same was the situation with me. As if was reading all the time captivating books, written specially for me. I kept going to work and fulfilled my duties automatically, but my head was occupied with other things. For myself I was the most interesting man: a teacher, a student and an interlocutor. It was quite difficult to reach the necessary places by public transport. I sat down in a tram or in an autobus and … found myself often at the last stop, when the driver shook me by the shoulder and asked: “Young man, we arrived, where did you have to get off”. I traveled in the opposite direction and sometimes again found myself at the last stop. I didn’t recognize acquaintances and at that time I didn’t spend time with almost anyone. Good that they didn’t get offended but only made little jokes. They said that talking to me was useless, that I didn’t hear anything anyway and looked through them. Sometimes I remembered that I had a woman – she appeared in my consciousness for a short while and if she was busy with something I turned myself off. The same at work too: during the day arose now one, now another episode, some people, known and unknown, and all the rest was immersed in darkness. I had no sense of time. It seemed to me, as if I had just come to work, but I saw how everybody was already going home. Earlier I hated meetings, but during this summer I even came to love them. I came to the conference room first, took a seat in the last row, crossed legs on the chair and immersed myself in concentration. I sat usually motionless, with straight back and open, but seeing nothing, eyes. It’s true, it was very awkward, when I found myself after that in an empty room or some acquaintance shook me by the shoulder and said: “The meeting finished yesterday”. I would, of course, exchange this hallucination for the end goal – life was interesting, but the stubbornness and curiosity began to rage in me: “And what is at the end of the path? What kind of Golden Fleece is this, that is so well guarded?”. I suddenly understood, that as if someone was tossing all these temptations as to distract me and to prevent me from reaching the end goal. I recalled from mythology: walk without looking around and distracting yourself. I returned to concentration and firmly decided to withstand. Thoughts, ideas, revelations circled in my head as before, but now I only made effort to remember them, in order to return to them later and enjoy them. It was as if I found myself in a library with rare books and looked at rows of books with luring titles. “No – I said to myself. – I’ll read this later”. In concentration the mind must not participate. That must be a dumb (without thinking)* process. The whole attention directed toward to object until then when it would reveal its secrets. If thoughts related to the object of concentration arise then that results in slush – reflections on the subject, not concentration. Thoughts, coming to me, were in no way related to that idea on which I held my attention. New temptations began leading me away. But this time the devil tested me through emotional temptations and I, of course, didn’t resist. I was shown astonishing pictures, read wonderful verses, sweet melodies bewitched me, swarthy beauties performed unseen dances for me, and my soul felt absolute peace. The external world began appearing even more rarely, fortunately, I took a leave and only from time to time asked with fear, which date was today. Sometimes I peered at my wife’s face, but she behaved as if nothing was happening. I noted that my wife still hasn’t left me and even hasn’t made a scandal. I tried to write down verses and remember melodies, but as soon as I focused on that, lost my state – the same as running out in the foyer during a captivating movie, trying to write down something and return again. All that new, entering my consciousness, came from outside, not from my memory. 8

Verses are read uninterruptedly, one can remember only the rhythm and not more than four lines and in that time the others are missed. If I could only write down the melodies with notes, and take down in shorthand the verses … I can’t recall, how much time it went on like that, but in during wonderful day I began fighting with myself in order to return on the right path. I clang to my idea the way a drowning man clutches at straw and only repeated: “Holy, holy, holy” 3 . Temptations as if moved away and now only from afar, like sirens, lured with call-up singing. In my concentration was noticeable a progress. In my ideas, figuratively speaking, appeared some shadow-feeling. Gradually concentrating became even somewhat interesting. Now, even if I wanted to divert myself from this process, I would have needed some effort. Involuntarily I directed all my attention not on the idea, but on that shade. As I remember it now, only several days passed and… came this. It was night. I was going to go to bed. When I went to my bed and relaxed, switching to vibrational breathing, I felt how something began to happen with me, which I hadn’t experienced before. My consciousness began expanding, not losing the object of concentration, and became so clear as never before. I lost all bodily sensations. Around me a whirl formed, I tried to resist this state, but it was already late. It began sucking me in as if in an air funnel and I flew through a dark tunnel in other reality. It was frightening for me, but not very much, I already began getting used to unknown states. The whole movement occurred in the depths of my being, which turned out to be a huge space. In that other reality my “I” was different, I could see things at once from all sides and from inside. My idea, which I in vain tried to understand, showed itself in front of me in all its simplicity. The moment of contemplation was being accompanied by ecstasy with great force – it was delight, astonishment, joy of knowing, admiration for the beauty of the seen, in the extreme! It cannot be described, I can’t find the words. As if the curtains of heaven were drawn aside in front of me and I saw such secrets! In the beginning I thought I was present in this process, as a casual witness, let’s say, contemplating an idea like the Niagara falls, but when in my consciousness arose involuntary question and the whole picture reorganized itself so, that I could understand with absolute clarity all aspects in which I was interested, I understood, that all that mighty process of explanation was happening for me personally and that I could ask as much as I wanted with the slightest effort of will. My consciousness wasn’t focusing on some separate point and didn’t shift in order to see the object from other position, it was simultaneously everywhere and was seeing the object at once from all sides and from inside so, that object and subject were one. Graphically a notion of that can be given in the following manner. If I have seen for the first time an ocean liner far in the sea and asked myself “What is this?”, I would formulate the idea of this “thing” as “Something big on water. Moves on its own. Doesn’t sink”. And I would take this idea as an object for concentration. This “thing” is anyway unknown to me. That’s why I hold it stupidly (without thinking)* in my consciousness with subtext “What is this” and I’ll remember only that “this” doesn’t sink, is big and moves. If I reached the end phase of the concentration, as I did with my idea, I would see the liner simultaneously form all points of view and from inside and would understand instantaneously, how all its systems work – electronic, water, mechanical , I would se simultaneously its cabins and rooms, in a word, I would find out about the liner all, what the crew knows and much, much more. Even a question wouldn’t be left unclarified. This contemplation of the liner would be accompanied by ecstasy – joy of knowing, delight, astonishment. Before I found myself in the bed with this my “I” here is what happened. My consciousness began dressing itself as if by lower sheaths and after that was shoved in the physical body. Figuratively speaking, it was as if I haven been struck with board on the head, thereafter wrapped up in a blanket, and dipped in resin, next dropped in a barrel, the barrel has been tightly shut, then rolled up in a carpet and so on and so forth. Or put otherwise. Let’s say, for example, I am a caterpillar, I was turned into a man and was showed the world and after that by means of transformation in descending line, brought back to a caterpillar consciousness.

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a part of a psalm - ‘Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord of Sabaoth: Heaven and earth are filled with Thy glory: Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is He that cometh in the Name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!’

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I jumped out of bed and began pacing the room. From the moment I went to bed passed not more than five or ten minutes. I asked myself one and the same question : “What happened with me?”. My idea, the object of concentration became clear to simplicity to me. I decided I found a new method for cognition of the world. I took a pencil and began feverishly writing down. After that I read it. It was all clear to me, but if it would be read by somebody else’s eyes – nothing. Much later I began digging in all accessible libraries. I looked for descriptions of religious ecstasies or personal impressions of hermits or yoga adepts. I found very little and about samadhi itself – not more than five lines. Now I understand why it is so. Would someone try to describe fire or water, sky, clouds or flowers to aliens? How would a description of a creative inspiration be comprehended by one who has never known it, the description of falling in love – by one who has never experienced it or the description of sexual ecstasy – by eunuch from childhood? Samadhi – this is a creative inspiration of highest intensity, fascinating with the beauty of the seen and understood, accompanied by deep and extended ecstasy. It is an experimental method for cognition of the real world and human nature. Meditation and samadhi in hatha-yoga in fact are one and the same process. In a word, “meditation” is used for signifying different phenomena, for example Krishnamurti’s meditation is something else. Deeper concentration in hatha-yoga is called meditation, when the object of concentration begins to “talk about itself”. In this case meditation is the process of contemplating all aspects of the object until full understanding, and the amazement, delight, joy – all its emotional part is called samadhi, or samadi. As soon as understanding is gained, consciousness returns to its original state spontaneously – to human consciousness. Samadhi – this isn’t a rest, it is tension of one’s whole strength, after it one feels so tired, that one wants to sleep the sleep of the dead. This is an extreme excitement of the whole nervous system, full loss of earthly, lower consciousness and switching off from the external world. Usually, one returns to the ordinary world emotionally overexcited, which can cause psychic aberrations or even heart attack. All preparatory steps, apparently, exist in order to strengthen in the necessary way the body and the mind. It’s impossible to fall asleep right after Samadhi. How can one sleep after the newly made discoveries? Never seen before! Never experienced earlier! From that very day and in course of a whole month the states of samadhi began repeating themselves again and again. I went completely crazy of overexcitement at first, but later I gradually got accustomed to them and took them as an exceptional gift of fate. With the next attempts I stumbled upon difficulties – it turned out it wasn’t so easy to formulate a question. Stupid and rash questions are not answered. The formulation of the problem is half the work, if concentration doesn’t work, it’s necessary to reconsider the question. I focused on ideas, which I wanted to understand and if I had formulated the problem correctly, fell into samadhi, where I got all explanations with exhaustive clarity. The method itself turned out to be not less mysterious for me. It always began with concentration under control of the normal consciousness, but at some point the avalanche of transformation of consciousness came down on me and transformed the lower consciousness, possessing one point of view, into higher one, without opposites and having no fixed point of view. I couldn’t catch at all the moment of transition, everything happened in fast sequence: at first the body with all its feelings was cast aside, as if the consciousness was freeing itself from the invisible material sheaths, on each level came greater and greater clarity, until the consciousness broke free in some giant limitless space. At that time indescribable ecstasy of contemplation set in – visions, understandings and sensation of that, what reality is. Later I noticed, that samadhi depends on the depth of the ideas and the raised question. Once I wanted to know something lying very far beyond the bounds of understanding of normal consciousness. At first there was the process of meditation, as if preparation for the perception of the ultimate truth. The lower sheaths were cast aside, and in every phase there was a partial explanation, accompanied by a feeling of admiration and understanding. In the very end of the meditation I experienced the most intense ecstasy with exhaustive understanding of the idea. Returning to normal consciousness was longer than usual. That clear and unclouded consciousness went through several stages of distorting and clouding until in the end I opened my eyes in my normal world. Understanding remained with me, but at my stage of consciousness I didn’t take out anything, which could be possible to write down at least for myself. I was shaken much more by other, not at all deep samadhi. The essence of the question was somewhere very close, ecstasy was faint. I understood what invaluable possibilities could open up in front of me for 10

practical application. Before that all my questions were of the region of metaphysics. I tried to formulate some technical question, but I was humanist by nature, all kinds of technology were foreign to me, especially what turns and produces noise. For a start it’s important for one to have at least some disposition to the object of concentration. Strong emotional support, burning interest, or even better love and passion carry the consciousness toward samadhi like on wings. I wasn’t able to try anything, which would give a real result. An observation of mine made formulation of questions and concentration easier. It turned out, that if one could present the object in antinomies and concentrate simultaneously on both opposites, that results in stereoscopic effect, the whole process happens faster and more successful and finishes with contemplation until complete understanding. I was interested in the idea of infinity long since. After several days of futile concentration I managed to formulate the question so, that in front of me were two poles of one idea: a point and nothing, or an infinitely small quantity and an infinitely big quantity. I held in my field of vision both of this quantities the way I would have looked at the oculars of stereoscope at two aerial photographs, each of which meant nothing by itself. At one point, when I was sitting in siddhasana posture and completely relaxed, something frightening happened with me. A hurricane swooped down on me, cast aside my body and my “I” began to spread in space at an enormous speed. I was a blood freezing samadhi. I flew in all directions millions of light years apart. With tremendous will effort I stopped this motion, it got directed back and continued as long until I shrunk to a point. I felt and realized infinity! I was confident, that if I hadn’t stopped that motion it would have continued perpetually! I remembered the sensation of this cosmic horror forever. Once I had a very interesting experiment. I don’t recall exactly, how I formulated the problem, but when I found myself in Samadhi, I contemplated simultaneously all points of view about the world as separate philosophies. I saw three points of view, of which I didn’t know earlier. I found them thereafter in a textbook on history of philosophy. The more serious ideas of concentration, the deeper the consciousness falls into its essence, freeing itself from all sheaths, the ecstasy is more intense and more complete, and returning into one’s body takes more time – as I already said, clear, clouded with nothing, consciousness takes longer to be wrapped in diapers, clouded, crooked, distorted. The way to it (the higher consciousness)* is much shorter, than the way back. The understanding soon turns to feeling, and conveying it to someone is absolutely out of the question – there are no words, no terms, no analogies in the human language. Samadhi gives understanding of underlying processes, whose shadows we see and sense as a real world. To simpler questions the answer may come in form of an intuitive guess, without loss of consciousness. Loss of consciousness I call the loss of ability to explain the occurring with human categories. There, in the depths, there are no opposites, but there is only unity. There are no points of view, consciousness is present everywhere and so the essence of things is revealed. It turns out, that we live in distorted, one-dimensional and two-dimensional world: one-dimensional, because in every moment we have only one point of view, and two-dimensional, because we exist in a world of opposites. Days and nights mixed up together, I lost track of time. My wife understood something unusual was happening with me and tried not to distract me and talk to me. Sex was out of the question – all physical and psychic power belonged only to concentration. Sometimes samadhi occurred involuntarily. All what was necessary was to switch to vibrational breathing and some idea arose in my head (and there were always a lot of insoluble ideas) and I immersed myself in samadhi right away. I slept not enough and as follows I couldn’t have a proper rest, I had a splitting headache, and my eyes ached of sleeplessness. I understood, if it goes on like that, I wouldn’t withstand the strain. Then I remembered about the medicine, which sailors take for every illness in the world. I poured a liquor glass with rum, drank and slept the sleep of the dead. As I found out later, alcohol an coffee are contraindicated for concentration. At work it was told to me, that if I didn’t lower myself to the ground, I would be fired. At home I felt I had yet to take note of my wife somehow. And besides the time has come to sit an examination in the nautical school, in order to get a certificate for long-distance navigator. 11

I got the certificate for navigator, at work the matters were going excellently, my wife was satisfied with me, but… I lost the ability to immerse myself in samadhi. As I established, the process of accumulating knowledge, developing memory and intellect, with its abilities for analysis and synthesis, conflicts with the process of concentration. Either the one or the other. The sources say, the creative process of discovering and inventing is something like minisamadhi. Plato has experienced the state of samadhi several times. Somewhere he had mentioned that, saying: “And Xenophon hasn’t experienced that even once”. Archimedes, Plato, Newton and others, undoubtedly, possessed a well developed ability for concentration. They haven’t had experimental laboratories, and they didn’t need to overload themselves with unnecessary knowledge. In my surroundings I didn’t met anyone, who has made something similar to my experiments. Now the world doesn’t dispose to that. And so, in the end I reached the last and final step of yoga? Not quite so. Concentration, contemplation and samadhi – that is only the beginning of yoga. The sources were right, when they said: “Let yoga talk for itself, you only have to practice”. The secrets of the universe after my personal experience torment me not less, even if not more than before. But in order to reveal them I will have to get in shape again and recover the ability for concentration. I, like Aladdin form “Thousand one nights”, found a magic lamp – method with limitless possibilities. One can get by without teachers, institutes for scientific research and textbooks. The only thing needed is free time… and a mat. The method for cognition of the world through samadhi existed always, it was used in ancient India, China, and particularly in Egypt. Very many people possessed talent for concentration without any physical or breathing exercises. The path of yoga, undoubtedly, is not the only one. Knowledge can be conveyed by means of explanation, understanding cannot be conveyed. Knowledge can be shared with anyone, understanding – only with that one, who has experienced something similar or possessed that knowledge since childhood. Concentration and samadhi lead to immediate understanding of ideas, thoughts and essence of things. Those, who have mastery over the method for comprehension of the world, are called initiated. That is why it is written so much about the methods of yoga and almost nothing about the results of concentration and samadhi. Every man is has to go through all on his own, no teacher will be able to help and pass on knowledge, he is only able to show the method and point out the path. Even the first experience of samadhi gives more understanding of the essence of things, than any knowledge, passed on from others. In that high reality ideas are real objects, and in our consciousness are present only their projections. Now, after all, what I have seen and experienced in samadhi, I know: the world we live in represents only a shadow or a part of other real world, for whose comprehension our understandings, intellectual abilities and sensations are insufficient.

Afterword Formerly I dreamed of visiting the most distant corners of the planet and experiencing all available states to a man. I had the strong urge to search, see and know. I searched for one thing and found something quite different, possibly, more wonderful. It is called in different ways: divine presence, grace, or maybe, in some other way. Whatever it is, it is wonderful. That is the state, when the consciousness is in the heart, and the mind dies down. The world transforms itself, and even inanimate objects come to life. Time disappears, excruciating desires disappear, and the soul is filled with love. Perhaps, this is happiness? When it passes, one feels anguish, as if going through the death of relatives. The world becomes dead again, and you see it, as all normal people. I found that state many times, lost it and found it again, on the most unexpected places, but I could never retain it for long. I thought that I alone was steering my destiny. It seemed to me, that I was the captain of my ship and could bring it, wherever I wanted to. But my ship almost always crashed in the hindrances of someone else’s will, and I understood, that I was only an oarsman. I wanted passionately to be free but in reality I was chained to the oar of life, work, and state. 12

I picked profession, which was most strongly linked to sea, but it held me away from sea. The sea was for me an object of religious worshipping, and not an object of scientific study. I would have liked to be not oceanographer, but priest in the Temple of the sea. But that is impossible, I always have to deal with devices, to measure, collect and register something. People call this science. Is it really necessary to calculate and measure that, what you love? I don’t want to collect digits, I just want to love the sea. I understand, it is stupid – sitting on the shore and looking at the sea for hours. One has to work, collect data, study it, make scientific conclusions… and yet my profession kills the love in me. Then I feel like an oarsman on a galley. I threw the oar, broke the chain and run away. But I was found and chained again. Sometimes I came back on my own. And in fact there was nowhere to run. But paddling bores. And someone inside constantly whispers: “Run! Try once more. Running is so wonderful, isn’t it? Only then you feel free!”. After that one falls again in the net of gray everyday routine or, maybe, with enthusiasm begins to paddle somewhere else, until the new disappointment. We live in a dead world. The majority of people have no idea about that. I observed for a long time, asked, tried to understand, how other people perceive the world, and found out, that the world for some of them is very scary and even more dead than mine, and only a few live constantly in an animated and always new world. It seems to me, that two important processes go on with us: escaping from ourselves and coming back to ourselves. It’s very difficult for one to leave one’s customary world. When one runs away, becomes exposed and vulnerable. Running is difficult, fear brings one back in one’s former world and destroys it even more. It is difficult to defeat fear. But if one has succeeded even for a short while, one becomes free and sees the world exceptionally wonderful. One’s own action, own experience deeply excites the soul and flings one to different level of perception. It is even brighter reality. It’s impossible to be conveyed, it’s impossible to be taught, one has to experience it on one’s own. It’s worth running for that, even if everything lasts quite short. Sometimes the desire for freedom is unbearable, and I become completely reckless. Uncertainty, similarly to a woman, excites and calls, all what is necessary is to beckon her, and I forget about everything and begin to dream of escape again. Love fills the heart, fear backs down, and then I become truly happy. … I’m looking out of my office window and see the shore of Haifa’s bay – in the distance the ancient fortress Akko is visible. I’m sitting behind the computer and add up digits (that is how I call my participation in the scientific work of the institute). Sometimes we go out in the sea, carrying out a scientific program, feeding the computer memory with mountains of digits and add them again. We have a lot of diving work from Akko to Ashkelona, but we go under water mostly for digits. The sea is long since apprehended by all in the form of formulas and graphics, while it is alive and breathing, beats against the walls of our institute and sometimes, during a violent gale, breaks up our cement fence flooding the yard and the lower floor. In a word, I work something, and this is my external life. And the internal one – full and captivatingly interesting for me – flows parallel to the external and never intersects it. Now is the beginning of the summer, and there is a lull in the institute – the time of the leaves. The sea is lightly touching the exterior wall of the building, its breathing is to be felt, the rumble of the breakers and the light splashes of the waves are audible. I turn mentally to the events in the night of December, the 13th, 1974 again 4 . That wasn’t an escape in the direct sense – from a prison, plague or debts. It wasn’t a striving for absolute freedom too. At that time it was already clear to me, that one can only escape from one prison into another, and freedom can be found only through incredible efforts for changing one’s own internal nature. I didn’t look for material comforts – oversea, most likely, I was awaited by the same, as here (The Soviet Union)*, dependence on the circumstances. The escape from the ship was a spiritual test, scientific mystical experiment or cognition of myself – whatever you like. I didn’t plan the escape, the way people plan an expedition or are preparing themselves for a long journey. And at the same time I was ready for an escape at any favorable moment. 4

The Soviet Union had imposed an exit ban on Slava Kurilov but this was not something he was able to come to terms with. In December 1974 he jumped overboard from the tourist steamship "Sovetsky Soyuz" near the Philippines. Without food, drink or diving equipment, just goggles, a snorkel and flippers, he swam some 100 kilometres to the Philippine coast, spending three whole days in the sea.

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I cannot say, that political reasons were, what drove me away. I felt, that the Soviet power was a hidden evil, and it was present more or less in all, what surrounded me. I had two options – to change the world or to change myself. My dissident friends were engaged in the former one, my friends Christians, yogis, Buddhists – and I along with them – were trying to change themselves. I obeyed some function, but made a man of myself, I wasn’t a screw in the general mechanism. I needed yoga not as a system for exercising (fitness system)*, but as a system for liberation. Practicing yoga under conditions of unfreedom – that is constant overcoming. Every moment in yoga gave me drops (bits)* of freedom. Nobody disturbed me, I was forging myself. I was searching for a method to really test my strengths, I wanted to perform a rite of Action. In any right action has to be present joy of its performance, passion, exposed feeling and sharp attention. Life – that is when death lies (or is left)* behind one’s back. If one is in safety, one doesn’t learn. The external part looked like escape from one country into another in time and space; the internal was in the test “there and then” – on the deck of the ship, in the ocean, on a tropic island – at any moment. The sense of the test was in changing or, more exactly, in destroying my former “I”. The end goal – to withstand, or absolutely inessential – to survive or die. I withstood. It would have been success even in case of death. Finishing the long and difficult path, I saw, what I have long dreamed of, And I understood – there is no Happiness behind the horizon, But it, like a shadow, silent, is always beside. And yet I can’t watch without tears The unfurling sails, And when they disappear in the distance, I feel, as if my happiness Goes away along with them. Vancouver. Haifa. Jerusalem

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