HesNotThatComplicated X

Table of Contents

Copyright Information and Disclaimer This book is copyright 2012 with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or create derivative works from this book in whole or in part or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creating of derivative works of this book… this isn’t professional, legal or personal advice… it’s our opinions and intended for your personal entertainment only. You are solely responsible for any actions you take and we’re not responsible for anything you decide to do in your life. Before you read any page beyond this one, you agree to the following: “©2012, All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to copy, distribute, sell, or create derivative works from this book or our website without permission from A New Mode, Inc. through express written permission from the authors, Eric Charles and Sabrina Alexis. By reading any of the contents of this book beyond this page, you agree to the following: You understand that the information contained on this page and in this book is an opinion, and it should be used for personal entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice.” Now let’s move on to the fun stuff…

Prologue ............................................................................. 1 Introduction ....................................................................... 4 CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship...................................................................... 16 WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR ............................................................................. 16 HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP ............................................................................ 21 HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN MEN CAN’T RESIST) .................. 25 HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR ..................................................... 32

CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad .................................. 38 WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK?..................................................................................................... 38 WHY DID HE VANISH? ................................................................................................................. 45 WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS ................................................................... 53

CHAPTER 3: When You Don't Know How He Feels About You... ................................................................................ 64 HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU ....................................................................................... 64 HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU ............................................................................................ 69 HOW TO KNOW IF HE’S PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST WANTS SEX ................................... 73

CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It ....................................................................................... 81 WHEN A GUY WON’T CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND ................................................................ 82 WHEN HE WON’T COMMIT ON FACEBOOK ............................................................................. 93 WHEN HE ISN’T PROPOSING...................................................................................................... 95

CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage.............. 103 DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB .......................................................................... 103 DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND ......................................................................................... 107 DATING A GUY WITH “EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE” .................................................................... 113 WHEN TO WALK AWAY............................................................................................................... 119

CHAPTER 6: How to Get Him To Treat You Better And Value You More ...............................................................122 A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES A LONG WAY ...................................................................... 122 BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO WIN YOU OVER .................... 128

BONUS FOOTAGE ............................................................ 135 Final Thoughts ................................................................ 136

Prologue From Eric Charles For the past decade, I have worked with both men and women to help them have the type of relationships they’ve always wanted. Sometimes we met in person and locally; other times we communicated via e-email, phone, or Skype. No matter what the method of communication, helping people with their relationships has always been my dream and passion. Out of everything I’ve done to help people, writing the Ask a Guy column and other dating content for A New Mode has been the most rewarding experience of my life. The reason I am able to do what I do now is not because I started off as an expert at dating or relationships. In fact, if there were such a thing as a dating report card, I would have scored a big fat fail every year from middle school until midway through college. That being said, my failures were all necessary to make me the person I am today. In fact, it was those same failures that gave me the insight to pin down the root issues that were causing me to screw up. It was my failures that taught me about the sting of heartache and heartbreak, insecurity, jealousy, paranoia, and all the other emotions that can spring from the pursuit of love. When Sabrina and I wrote this book, we wrote it for the A New Mode audience—an audience of loving and intelligent women who want happy and fulfilling relationships. A lot of dating advice today has undertones (or blatant expressions) of what I call the “adversarial approach” to dating. In this approach, men and women are not partners, but adversaries. It’s a

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game of man versus woman, where women are taught to treat different “rewards” as bargaining chips in the relationship. This brand of dating advice is usually littered with subtle malebashing and insidiously implants fears, cynicism, and bitterness about men into the hearts of the readers. This kind of advice is disgusting to me since it puts a woman in a state of mind that is completely contrary to the goal she had when she entrusted that “teacher” with her wish to have a happy and fulfilling relationship with a man she loves. This approach was invented by marketers whose intent was to reach into a woman’s psyche, agitate her worst fears, and then essentially scare her into buying more of their poisonous “advice.” Please forgive me for my passion in this area, but I truly believe that part of my mission as a dating advisor is to put an end to the “man versus woman” and “woman versus man” mentality that pervades the relationship advice arena. When you have true knowledge of the workings of men and relationships, you can love freely. You won’t feel jaded, defensive, and angry; rather, it you will feel open and connected to your partner and to the human race as a whole. I think you would agree that you cannot know love, nor have love flow to or from you, when your guard is up. People with high walls around their psyche are the loneliest and most defensive; and those walls take root and grow from irrational fears. I think you’d also agree that the best relationship advice is that which eradicates those fears, as opposed to exacerbating them. One of our goals with this book is to show you that many of your fears are total illusions and the rest can be easily handled or avoided completely. When you realize that there is nothing to fear, you will be

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able to finally lower your shield and be able to truly give and receive love. This book is a distillation of the best of the best dating and relationship advice from A New Mode (anewmode.com). The insights shared on the site and in this book came from a combination of research, our own life experiences, and feedback from thousands upon thousands of readers who have applied our advice and experienced significant improvements in their lives and relationships. We have learned many lessons the hard way. Growth, especially growth that stems from pain, is uncomfortable, and sometimes even unbearable. It can help to remember that it is part of the journey and that there will come a day when you will reach ultimate happiness and fulfillment in the deepest sense, provided that you always remember that pain and suffering is the price for learning, maturity, and growth. This book builds on itself to create a complete picture and approach to dating and relationships. Until you finish it and view its lessons as a complete approach, you will be missing key elements. While you could pick up this book and flip to a chapter that directly applies to your immediate situation, it is best that you do not skip around since core secrets and solutions are revealed in a specifically crafted sequence for your maximum learning and growth. At this point, I have said everything I needed to say to set the tone for this book. Let’s begin.

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Introduction From Sabrina Alexis The following is a story that may resonate with more than a few of you. Actually, based on the Ask a Guy questions we receive, I know it will. It was a Saturday afternoon. I met up with a group of friends at a bar to watch some sports game. I spotted him right away and felt that familiar flutter. The bar was small and a game of cat and mouse ensued. Eye contact…look away…look over again, oh man, he's not looking anymore. Talk to friends, a slow, sly shift of the eyes back his way and…we have contact again! I stealthily make my way to the bar to get another round (and not at all because he happens to be standing there), and finally, an excuse emerges for him to get the conversation going. "Oh wow, double fisting? You must really be on a mission!" he says. "Ha, well this one is actually for my friend," I casually reply. "Sure, sure" he smiles. "By the way, I'm Kevin." “Nice to meet you, I’m Sabrina.” And we have lift-off! We spend the rest of the afternoon chatting and watching the game (or pretending to, in my case). One of his friends hits it off with one of my friends and soon the four of us are off to a different bar to play a game of pool, and then to another bar for a change of scenery. Before I know it, it’s getting dark and I’m running late for dinner with my parents. "Will you come meet up with us after dinner?" he implores,

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disarming me with his utter adorableness. "Yeah, totally. As long as I’m not too tired, it's been a long day!" "I don't think you're gonna come." "I promise I'll try." "Okay, well I really hope you do."

I go to dinner still buzzing off the high of a magical meeting. I try to eat and make conversation, but an overpowering voice inside keeps pestering me to check my phone to see if he texted. I check once…twice…three times…make a vow not to check again for ten minutes, stare at my watch, begging it to hurry up, check again, repeat, repeat, repeat. He eventually does text, putting a much-needed end to my inner turmoil. He tells me where he is and asks if I’m coming to meet. I pretend to be unsure, he begs a little more, I’ll pay for the cab! Stay for just one drink! Come for 15 minutes! Just please come! As soon as the check is paid, I head back into the night for the final stretch of what felt like the world’s longest first date. The second I arrive, he rushes to the door to greet me, much like a puppy rushes to its master after a long and painful day of solitude. “You made it! I’m so happy to see you,” he says with an enormous self-satisfied grin. “Aw, that’s sweet.” I smile back, feeling quite impressed with myself for playing my cards so perfectly.

Kevin and I had our first official date later in the week and from there, what felt like an effortless new relationship started to blossom. In the beginning, my overwhelming fear of getting hurt caused me to hold back and I proceeded with utmost caution. I was also entrenched in a

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crazy time in my life, a time known as New York Fashion Week. My days were jam-packed from seven a.m. until the wee hours of the morning, and in between all the shows and parties, I had tight deadlines to meet. I tried to squeeze in Kevin when I could, but spending time together usually involved him tagging along to some fashion party I was covering. The glamour of it all soon came to an end. Once I was back in the real world, it was time to have a real relationship. Things were far less glamorous, but still effortless and fun. We were spending more and more time together: dinners, brunches, movies—all the usual couple stuff. In fact, it felt like my first real grown-up relationship. Kevin was very open about his feelings for me, unlike guys I had dated in the past. He wasn’t shy about telling me how much he cared and it didn’t take long for my initial hesitation to melt away. Then things started to shift. He was suddenly “swamped” at work, he would go a few days without contacting me, his messages got shorter, and he would cancel plans last minute. Busy weeks are understandable, so I let it slide, taking comfort in the fact that at least he was keeping me in the loop via text and e-mail (Can't make it tonight, have to stay in the office until midnight…So sorry I haven't called in a few days, work has been nuts, thinking about you though!). Things trudged on like this for a bit until the calls and texts stopped entirely. After a week of no contact, I received a text from Kevin asking me how Paris Fashion Week had been for me (Um, I didn't go to Paris for Fashion Week…You didn't? I just assumed you would be there...Wouldn't I have mentioned that to you?... I don't know, just assumed). I wrote this off as an innocent misunderstanding and felt a deluded sense of relief (Oh! So he thought I was in Paris this whole time, no wonder he didn't call or text! How silly!). We hung out one final time following that exchange and then…. silence. After three weeks of not hearing a peep, I closed the book on

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Kevin. I was immensely confused, yet somehow not convinced that this was the end of us. Everything was going so well, it can't end like this! I won’t allow it! Well it didn't end in silence. Oh no, the real ending was just so much better. One night I received a highly unexpected phone call from a number I couldn’t muster the strength to delete. After one chime of my ringtone, my hurt and confusion morph into relief and elation. I decide to forgive him before even answering the phone, resolving to play it cool and collected. “Hi!”(Mental note: dial down the enthusiasm, jeez!) “Hey… It's Kevin,” he says, his voice low and seductive. “Yeah, I know. It's been a while, how've you been?” “I’m good. So…how was that day off?” “What do you mean? I didn't have a day off.” “Yeah…that day off you were looking forward to. You were talking about it the other night.” “Um, no I wasn’t because I didn’t have a day off and I haven’t spoken to you in weeks” “Wait. Oh my God. Crap.” (End call) I stare at my Blackberry in stunned silence. What the hell was that? That could not have been what I think it was. No way, no how. This is a mix up, a silly misunderstanding. I’m sure I had a day off a while ago and he’s confused. Yes, that’s it! I call him back. No answer. I send a text: "I don't know what just happened, but that was really weird and I think you owe me an explanation." (Spoiler alert: it's been about five years and I’m still

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waiting for a response.) As I stood there, trying to pick up my jaw from the floor while mentally debating whether I should laugh or cry, my male roommate, David, burst through the door with a few of his guy friends. "Sabrina, get dressed. We're going to a party!" he shouts from the hall. "I can't. I think Kevin just dumped me by accidentally calling me thinking he was calling a new girl he's seeing." "What? Oh man, that sucks. Well, get dressed. The party will make you feel better." "I can't go. I think I need to stay in and feel sorry for myself. Yes, that is totally the appropriate move." Cue David and his friends storming into my room to berate me for being ridiculous and irrational. “So you’re just gonna sit in your room and feel sorry for yourself all night?” “Yes. I’m a girl and that is just how it’s done.” “There will be tons of guys at the party, you’ll find someone else.” “No, I hate boys. I hate them all! I hate all of you!” “You’re such a girl.” “I am not! You don’t get it. I really, really liked him. He's the first guy I really liked since my ex, that's huge! It took me a year to get over that. I just don't get it, seriously, I’ll never understand men. Now go away, I’m done fraternizing with the enemy.” They laugh and I almost do too, until I remember that this is real life. He called me thinking I was some other girl?! SERIOUSLY?!

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I had my phone all set to dial one of my girlfriends to do the obligatory re-hashing of every detail in a desperate attempt to understand why, when David presented me with a more tempting offer. “Okay Sabrina, let's make a deal. We're gonna talk about this for five minutes. You tell us what happened, and we will explain everything to you. After that, you're coming out with us and we're not talking about this for the rest of the night.” Hmm… interesting. I was skeptical, but totally up for the challenge. I recapped the relationship as swiftly and effectively as I could, making sure to highlight every nice thing Kevin said and sweet thing he did, in order to further emphasize my totally justified state of confusion. The feedback I received from the boys was not what I expected. I was startled, amazed, enlightened, and I felt…better. Here is the summation of what went down during that eyeopening conversation on that fateful night. Source of Confusion #1: On our second date, Kevin said he has never liked a girl so much after only two dates and it usually takes a lot longer for him to develop those kinds of feelings. My take: He must have really liked me off the bat; I was clearly the exception to his rules—he even said so! If he didn't mean it, why would he say it? That wouldn’t make any sense. The ball was clearly in my court at this point because he was the one being so open and vulnerable. Guys’ take: When a guy says something sweet and sentimental like that in the early stages, he's lying. He's not really expressing how he feels about you; rather, he wants to determine how you feel about him. He may like you, or at least see you as a girl he could like, but the reason he said those things was to see your reaction. Men are

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insecure too. No guy wants to get hurt and the best way to protect himself is to make sure you really like him before he can let himself go there. Let's say you were a little indifferent when he said those mushy things, and responded with something like, "Aw, that's nice." Then, he would know that he has to work a little harder to win you over. I bet you got all excited when he said that sappy crap (um…maybe) so the ball was in his court. He had you right there. Source of Confusion #2: He came back from his yearly vacation with his family and when I said I was jealous, he said maybe next time I'd go too. This wasn’t the only time he talked about the future. He also mentioned us going to a concert that summer. It was February! Why would he make plans so far down the line?? My take: A guy even mentioning going on vacation with a girl is huge! It clearly means he was looking ahead toward the future and envisioned me meeting his family and being a continued part of his life. I mean, he didn't have to mention anything about me going on vacation with his family. The relationship was still so new and fresh; I totally would not have expected him to say anything along those lines. So if he didn't mean it, why would he say it? Guys’ take: Oh, he did mean it. He meant it at that moment, anyway. He wasn't lying when he said maybe next time you'd go, but he didn't necessarily think of it logistically. Guys are very in-the-moment thinkers. We usually aren't looking ahead; we look at what’s in front of us. I'm sure at that moment he was thinking, "Wow, this girl is so cool and fun, yeah, she should come on vacation! That would be awesome!" He wasn't thinking about whether you'd still be together a year from now, or even a week from now. It was just a fleeting thought to him that didn't carry much weight. (Cue me feeling like an utter moron for thinking this “fleeting thought” was a major relationship milestone).

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Source of Confusion #3: In the beginning, he always called and texted. As time went on, the calls and texts became less and less frequent. However, he always gave me an explanation if he had to cancel plans, or if he went a day or two without calling me back. My take: In the beginning, he pursued me because that's how relationships usually start. When things became more settled, it was totally acceptable, if not expected, for me to begin initiating contact. Also, if he wasn't into me, why not just end it? It would have been easy for him to say he needed to focus on work, especially since he would often blame work when he had to cancel plans. If he had already decided he didn't want to be with me, why continue to string me along? Guys’ take: First of all, if you find yourself asking a guy why he didn't call or text you back, the relationship is in crisis mode. The first time you asked him why he didn't call you back (I didn't say I ever said that!... Did you?... Well yeah, but—...Exactly!), he felt smothered and you looked needy. The chase was over, he knew he had you. He could disappear for a few days because he knew you'd still be there waiting. You may nag him a bit, but you’d be there. I'm sure he still had feelings for you at that point. However, it sounds like he was looking for what else was out there and he kept coming back because he hadn’t found anything better (WHAT?!... Don’t be offended, if you hadn’t been so needy, he would have only been looking at you...Yeah that doesn’t make me feel better). When you started asking why he didn’t call, and when you expected to hang out all of the time, the excitement was gone and the relationship was no longer fun and enjoyable for him—it was a burden. Calling or texting may not normally be a big deal, but when a guy feels like he has to do it, then it's a nuisance. Source of Confusion #4: After his first disappearance, he texted at around 2 a.m. to see if I wanted to come over to his place. I was still

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out with friends and wasn't really tired, so I went. This was the last time we ever saw each other. My take: I know, I know, a 2 a.m. text is a “booty call,” but we were dating! It's not like we were just casually hooking up, so it's not the same. Couples go over to each other’s places late at night all the time! And things went really well; he was sweet and affectionate, we went out to brunch in the morning. Why did it end after that? Would it have been too much to ask for a warning? Guys’ take: First, you were an idiot to go over there at that hour and yes, you were a booty call (ouch). This would have been bad under normal circumstances, but considering you went running over there after he vanished for a week with that lame excuse about thinking you were in Paris, it basically put the nail in the coffin (But he did think that! And it really was Paris Fashion Week!... No, he didn’t, that was a lie. It’s an impressive lie, but still a lie). At that point, there was nothing left to keep him interested. He knew he could treat you however he wanted and you'd come running whenever he wanted to see you, and there’s nothing sexy or appealing about that. Before this, he was definitely more than halfway out the door; you just gave him the final shove. Once a guy no longer respects a girl, it’s done for. He’ll either disappear or continue treating her like crap. Source of Confusion #5: The end in general. He disappeared, reappeared, disappeared, then the final phone call. Three letters: W.T.F. My take: I knew things were deteriorating, but I was so blindsided by everything that I assumed it would all somehow magically go back to the way it was. I didn't understand what could account for his sudden shift. We never fought and he never said anything about me acting “needy” or whatever. Things seemed fine and then he was just gone. This is confusing! And why start seeing someone new without giving

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me the courtesy of a civilized breakup? Guys’ take: In the beginning, he was trying to impress you and win you over. Once he knew you were won, he relaxed. He thought to himself, “Ahhh, now I can finally relax and just enjoy my time with this girl without having to go over-the-top anymore.” But when you started acting needy, it killed the magic and attraction. It shattered his image of you as the sexy, fun, secure girl. In relationships, girls have no problem pointing out when a guy is doing something wrong. When she's unhappy, you know why. It's not that simple with guys because no guy wants to have a talk about the relationship and who's feeling what. If a guy is feeling annoyed or smothered, he's not gonna tell you, especially when it's the very beginning of a relationship. He thinks it won’t solve anything; it’ll just make you crazy and upset. When it gets to this point, he’ll see your behavior as a taste of worse things to come and for him, that's enough to leave with no explanation.

It took a bit longer than five minutes, but I had my answers. I had nothing more to say, no other excuse or explanation to provide. I knew everything I wanted to know and that was that. Everything just snapped into place. That's it? It was that easy? I didn't feel sad; I didn’t even feel angry. So I got up, got dressed, went to the party and had an amazing night. I didn't talk about Kevin, I didn't even think about him. The only thing I could think about was how much time and tears I could have saved through the years had I known all of this! It's been five years and I can still picture it all exactly as it happened. Me, sitting at the edge of the bed with three hunky guys standing over me, taking turns telling me things I seriously didn't want to hear, but really needed to know. I didn't want to hear about what I did wrong, this was supposed to be his fault. He was the idiot who had something amazing (me) and screwed it up. I was caring, kind, and fun. I even brought him to

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Fashion Week! So it's his loss, right? Well, that's the kind of stuff women's magazines tell us to play on repeat in our minds. In truth, we need to accept at least some responsibility. At the end of the day, there's no denying that I acted needy, plain and simple. While the relationship started off balanced, it soon devolved to the point where he was calling all the shots, dragging me along for the herky jerky ride. Was he a jerk for running away? I'd like to think so, but the answer is not really. He's not a jerk; he's a guy. In addition to a breakup, crystal clear clarity, and way too many shots of whiskey, that night brought on an epiphany: this is what the world needs, guys who will tell it like it is! (Okay fine, maybe not the world, but certainly most of the women occupying it).

About seven months after the Kevin debacle, a few twists of fate turned my epiphany into a reality. It started when I got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend (yes the same ex it took me a year to get over... don’t even ask!), things sped up when I got laid off from my job, and it all culminated when a newly unemployed me and a super tech-savvy, forward-thinking ex decided to start a website. The first order of business: an Ask a Guy column in order to strip away all the misconceptions and expose the real reasons guys act the way they do. It didn't take long for the section to take off and soon enough, we were sifting through thousands of e-mails from girls of all ages from all over the world, all wanting to know one thing: why is he doing this? Men and women speak different languages. The reason? We’re different. As such, we see and interpret things differently in many ways, especially when it comes to relationships. If I had a dime for every time I heard some girl lament, "I just don't understand guys!" I'd be on my own private yacht sailing through the Greek Isles dripping in diamonds and sipping the world’s most expensive champagne.

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Understanding why men act the way they do is fundamental to gaining more satisfaction and fulfillment from your relationships (not to mention, preserving your sanity!). It’s amazing how us gals can analyze the tiniest, minute details, but completely miss the overall picture. Most women don't even know how they are being perceived by men. They try to gain a man’s respect and admiration, but they simply don’t know how and they end up devaluing themselves in the process of trying to win him over. These kinds of confusions (and oftentimes, delusions) can eat away at your sense of self and prevent you from ever attaining the kind of relationship you want. With that said, let's delve deep into the male mind and get to the heart of the most pressing relationship issues. Buckle up, your life is about to change for the better….

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CHAPTER 1: The Mindset and Behaviors That Kill A Relationship “Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.’ - Erich Fromm Most relationship problems stem from the fact that one action can have two totally different interpretations. A lot of the time, women remain completely unaware of how their actions are being construed by the fellas. As a result, they’re left baffled and thoroughly perplexed as to what went wrong. We’re going to put an end to the confusion right here and now by telling you the reason so many relationships are wrought with problems. Ready? It’s called neediness. Neediness is a tricky concept because it means very different things to men and women. Women worry about being needy because the term gets thrown around, but nobody stops to actually explain what it means to be needy. Considering it's the source of almost every relationship issue that exists, it deserves some careful clarification.

WHAT MEN CONSIDER NEEDY BEHAVIOR Most women consider neediness to be an overt behavior, something like nagging, clinging, or demanding his love and affection. While those things certainly constitute neediness, it’s important to note that neediness can take on a much more subtle form for guys. Neediness is needing a guy to respond to you in a certain way. You might think you’re being as stealthy as a fox, but if you need a guy, for any reason, he will sense it. Try as you will to cover your

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tracks, he can sniff out neediness like a highly trained canine. If you are coming from a place of desperation, fear, worry, or a need for him to respond in a certain way or you will be upset, then it will come across as needy behavior. Classic Needy Behaviors If you’re getting all hung up because a guy isn’t acting in some particular way and it’s making you feel insecure, nervous, or worried, that is absolutely neediness. Expecting someone to respect your time does not equal neediness. Needing them to act a certain way or you get angry/sad/upset/self-conscious does. A guy doesn’t want to feel like your emotional livelihood depends on him being there. He wants to feel wanted, desired, respected, loved, praised, acknowledged, and appreciated… but not needed! Most girls think they're being the best girlfriend ever by accommodating his schedule and his needs when in reality, the guy can tell from a mile away that she's doing these great girlfriend things out of desperation. And nothing taints a relationship quite like the stink of desperation. Think about it, if there were some guy who was obsessed with trying to please you in every way, no matter how badly you treated him in return, you would think he was a pushover (or an obsessive stalker). You would probably take the behavior for granted and you certainly wouldn’t place much value on it. You wouldn’t be able to respect him or trust the things he does because you would know he was only doing them to try to “win you over” and gain your approval. Well, it’s the exact same thing for guys. Women love to fight this one, but there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Neediness is an epidemic. It’s not that you’re not smart, beautiful, engaging, and worthy of the love you want; it’s that you aren’t firm in these convictions within yourself and instead rely too heavily on a

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man to give them to you. You may feel that you’re missing something, like you’re not “whole,” and you may, consciously or unconsciously, believe that a relationship or someone outside of yourself will fill that void. If you’ve ever stared at the phone begging it to ring; if you’ve ever found yourself on the backburner while a guy figures out what he wants; if you’ve ever come up with a million justifications as to why a guy is behaving a certain way (He’s busy! He’s stressed! His last girlfriend was mean!); if you’ve ever rearranged your schedule to accommodate his; if you’ve ever demanded an explanation for where he’s been and why he didn’t call you back; if you’ve ever asked him where the relationship was going, and then stuck around when you didn’t get the answer you wanted; if you’ve ever felt truly disappointed and devastated by a guy’s behavior and let it slide (possibly in an attempt to not seem “needy”), only to find yourself going through the same cycle over and over, then you are (or were) too needy. The Needy State of Mind More than it is a specific set of behaviors or actions, neediness is a state of mind. When you have a void within, it poisons every interaction you will ever have. Neediness isn’t reserved for the early stages of a relationship; it can strike at any time. As soon as you look outside yourself and to your partner to fill you with something you feel is missing, you are needy. The moment neediness rears its ugly head, your partner—be it a new guy you just started dating or the man you’ve been married to for years—will feel “uncomfortable” or “smothered” or “suffocated” or “trapped”… and he will withdraw. The only way to keep his interest and ensure he never leaves you hanging is pretty simple. Want to know the secret? Be interesting!

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How can you be interesting? Fill your life with things that interest you aside from just him! Sub-text Is the Spoken Language In any human interaction, there is what's being said (the "text") and what's being said between the lines (the "sub-text"). For example, if a girl says to a guy, "I was waiting all night for your call! Why didn't you call me back?" that's the surface text. The subtext, however, is screaming, "You are the center of my universe - the fact that you didn't call me ruined my evening and made me an emotional wreck because you are the only thing that matters to me in my life!" As another example, let’s say a girl doesn’t hear from a guy, so she goes out and has a fun night with her friends. The next morning she texts him something like, "Morning sunshine. How was your night?" The sub-text: "You're a person I like and I'm saying hi." Nice and light. Nothing manipulative, nothing punishing. Just a warm positive message to let him know she’s thinking of him without needing something from him. When it comes to dating and relationships, the language spoken is sub-text. If you pout and whine and become insecure, he will instantly feel pressured to act a certain way and he will withdraw or want to avoid you. The more you persist, the more he’ll resist. When dealing with men, a much more effective approach is to convey your message through the sub-text. When someone leaves a message in the sub-text for you to decode, you start thinking about it... more and more... and you don't resist it or see it as a threat. When a guy decodes the sub-text, he will start thinking about the implications of what you're saying. He'll start questioning the situation, "Am I willing to lose her? Would I rather be single and lose her, or should I see where a relationship with her

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goes?" For instance, let’s say a guy has to bail on you last minute and you respond with something like, “No worries, understandable.” He doesn’t quite know where you stand. He knows you’re being cool about it, but he doesn’t really know how you feel. He won’t feel pressured or resentful because he is coming to his own conclusions, not a conclusion that manifested from you coming down on him with a heavy hand. He is realizing on his own terms that if he wants you, he needs to put in the effort. If he doesn’t, he may lose you and he will have no one to blame but himself. Now isn’t that so much better than him acting a certain way because he’s afraid he’ll get yelled at if he doesn’t do what you want? Actions Speak Louder than Words One major gender difference that’s important to note is that men, much more than women, hear actions louder than words. If you say to a guy, “I really don’t appreciate it when you leave me hanging, my time is precious” and then go running over to his place when he’s available and wants to see you, your words carry absolutely no weight. He’s not going to think to himself, “She doesn’t appreciate it when I go days without contacting her so I’ll make an effort to call more.” His thoughts will sounds more like, “I don’t need to stay in constant contact with this one because she’ll be here when I want to see her.” If instead you turn him down when he asks to hang out after days of being off in the abyss, he’ll learn that your time is precious and if he doesn’t make his presence known, there is a strong chance you will move on and forget about him. If you pull away from him when he isn’t giving you what you want, you’re showing him that you will not tolerate being treated like a second class citizen, so he better shape up or ship out.

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HOW NEEDINESS RUINS A RELATIONSHIP If you don't think you're being needy, take a second to think about the way your guy has been acting lately; his actions usually say it all. If a guy is feeling smothered and suffocated by a needy girl, she may notice one of the following: · He starts pulling away or withdrawing · He calls or texts less frequently · He stops initiating contact · He seems less interested overall When you try to talk to your man and he won’t listen or shuts down, he is probably reacting to you acting needy. If the neediness continues, the relationship will begin to unravel. Neediness may seem innocent, but it can cause serious damage if you let it run wild. Keep going to find out how. It Suffocates the Relationship Men and women who feel incomplete or unhappy within themselves may yearn to fill this void with someone else. When an opportunity for this salvation arises, they may end up acting desperately and clinging to the relationship as if it's the one and only source of joy in their lives…and maybe it is. When you rely on someone else too heavily for your own happiness, you suck the life out of the relationship. Instead of being an enjoyable and meaningful journey, it becomes a scary rollercoaster of ups and downs, uncertainty and need, emptiness and temporary satisfaction. This rollercoaster is not healthy and it’s no way to live. The initial high of being with someone who filled that void within you will wear off and when it does, you will end up resenting

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your partner for not giving you the same fulfillment, as false and fleeting as it was. Neediness leaves no room for a relationship to grow and instead forces it into a state of perpetual stagnation. Rather than two people moving forward together, one takes a step closer and the other moves further way. A healthy relationship is one where both people can look forward and move ahead in the same direction without tearing each other down and throwing roadblocks. This can only happen when both people enter into the relationship without expecting the other person to fulfill all of their needs. Or that they even should or could – only the individual can truly fulfill their own emotional needs. Love is all about giving and if you are in a needy state of mind, the only thing you’ll be focused on is what you can get from the other person. All of your giving will just be a ploy to get him to feel a certain way about you and as a result, you will never feel at ease within the relationship. It Scares Him Away When a girl starts acting needy, especially in the beginning of a relationship, it is the ultimate red flag to a guy; it’s not even a logical or conscious decision. Neediness, for most guys, is synonymous with emotional dependency, as in this woman is dependent on you in order for her to feel good. Men do not want to be the emotional center of your universe. It sounds romantic and flattering at first, but quickly becomes a lot of pressure and an emotional drain. When a man feels that needy-energy coming from a woman early in a relationship, it feels like coercion – he either has to give in and act how she wants him to act or deal with her being upset. Guys get tired really fast of having to reassure a girl that they actually like her. Plus, that sort of thing will make him wonder what’s wrong with you if

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it’s so hard for you to believe he actually likes you! Guys can feel neediness when it's attached to anything: a behavior, a comment, a text, a pout. And when that little red flag goes up in his mind and he feels that she's opening her emotional void for him to fill, panic sets in and he backs away. Sensing that a girl is needy, even on the slightest level, is a visceral turn off. Guys know intuitively that when they reward neediness with a response, it conditions the girl to continue outsourcing the task of filling her emotional voids, putting the responsibility entirely on him. Nobody else can fill an emotional void for you; only you can repair it. And since it can never be "filled" from someone on the outside, your guy may start backing off. He has seen the brochure and while he was initially looking forward to taking the trip, he realizes he doesn’t have the stamina to deal with the destination. The thing girls don’t realize is that this situation is disappointing for guys. He doesn’t want to be a jerk, he really did like you and he wants to continue liking you…you’re just doing such a good job talking him out of it! You Never Feel Like You’re “Enough” Another major mistake is feeling that you are not enough. This attitude kills relationships. It feeds into the neediness because it compels people to use their relationship as a crutch in order to feel like “enough,” when really their focus should be on figuring out how to be enough by themselves so they can bring their best self to the relationship. When a person doesn't feel they're enough, they end up sucking life out of the relationship instead of pumping life into the relationship. Whenever you put effort into a relationship with a man, you are

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investing in him. Whenever he puts effort in, he is investing in you. If you are waiting by the phone for him to call or for him to make time for you, then you’re probably the only one doing the investing. The trouble with neediness is that it isn’t necessarily a problem based in how you interact with other people. It’s a problem with how you interact with yourself – it just manifests itself in a way that repels people and therefore becomes a relationship problem. When you adopt a sense of feeling complete and ditch the neediness, you will automatically signal to a guy that you won’t put up with something that is less than what you actually want. The Stink of Desperation Colors Everything When a woman is desperate, she lowers her standards, lowers her self-worth, and focuses most of her energy on trying to give the guy everything simply because he's a guy. She thinks that having a man in her life will somehow fill a void or make her feel complete and does anything and everything to make sure he sticks around. The guy in this type of scenario will accept the massive bounty of gifts, affections, favors, and anything else she gives. He knows that she’s willing to give and give as long as he is willing to acknowledge her lowly existence in some minimal capacity. The really sad thing is that everything the girl does stinks of desperation; she just doesn’t know it. Nothing comes across as a pure act of love, kindness, or bonding. It all reeks of rank desperation and it creeps the guy out. While he likes the goodies, he almost feels guilty accepting them since he knows that she thinks she's scoring points with him. If a girl isn't desperate, if she's happy and content in her life with or without a guy in the picture, if she feels "whole" without needing to be in a relationship, then she's going to act totally different. Her

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happiness with her life will flow into her interactions with any man she meets. She will naturally give freely, but would never give something away that she wouldn't have been willing to give away for free. And she'll only accept what she actually wants because she doesn't need a relationship... she wants one.

HOW TO PREVENT NEEDINESS (AND BE THE WOMAN MEN CAN’T RESIST) The kind of girl that gets the guy and keeps him is the one who isn’t afraid of losing him. She wants him, she desires him, she appreciates him, but she doesn’t need him to make her feel complete or worthy. She carries herself in a way that lets him know she’ll be outta there if he doesn’t appreciate her and hold her to the same high standard she holds herself. Men aren't the problem. Women aren't the problem. Self-esteem, self-love, and self-fulfillment are the missing ingredients that transform everything for the better. Here is how it’s done: Find Fulfillment The secret here is in finding how to be enough without needing him to do anything in order for you to feel happy and content with yourself exactly as you are. A man wants a woman who has found emotional fulfillment within her life and comes into the relationship already feeling full, instead of with her hands out like a beggar that will take any scraps he’s willing to spare. Relationships work best when they're the icing on the cake, not the sugar, the flour, the eggs, and whatever else you need to make the entire thing come together. When your life is so full and enjoyable that you would be OK with or without a relationship, then you are in a position to truly connect with another person on the deepest, most

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genuine level, a level that is completely absent of neediness. We think you would agree that a woman who is happy and loves herself is in a much better position to relate to her significant other than one who is dealing with emotional issues and insecurities. It’s a standard that always holds true no matter what the specific situation. Rather than focusing on the guy you’re with, or on how to get a guy to be with you, focus on your life and learn ways to love yourself and find true happiness that comes from within. When you are enough for you to be happy, suddenly the world opens up to you and everyone loves you and wants to be around you. Don’t Accept Less Than What You Deserve When you accept less than what you want and feel that you deserve, you are lowering your value (this is assuming your wants are realistic, not rooted in fairytale). When this happens, you can rest assured that your guy will not raise that value for you. If you find something on sale, do you absolutely insist on paying the original retail value? Not likely. People tend to push things as far as they possibly can. It’s human nature to try to get as much as you can with the bare minimum effort. Only needy people put up with something that's less than what they want. If he knows he can act however he wants without the fear of you leaving then….he will. Needy women want men to fill a void for them or to rescue them from their lackluster lives. They come into all their relationships with their hands out, wanting and needing and taking whatever they can get. But when a woman loves her life, she comes into the relationship already "whole." Because she is "enough" on her own, she is naturally appreciative, giving, and generous in her relationships.

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Stay Busy The best way to not be needy is to make sure you have plenty to keep you busy and feeling fulfilled. We know how easy it is to get wrapped up in a new relationship, but it is still extremely important to maintain your own life. When a girl is independent and has a lot going on, she becomes more appealing to the guy because he has to fight for her time and work to win her over. These are the kinds of women make men fall in love without putting in any effort and have mutually fulfilling relationships that flourish. It’s a law of the universe, the more you love yourself, the more love you attract. One thing to watch out for is keeping yourself busy solely for the sake of staying distracted so you stop checking in on your guy. Being busy in and of itself does not solve the core mindset problem that leads to neediness; it is just a means of solving the core issue of using a relationship to fill a void. Having a demanding job or a heavy course-load at school will certainly keep you busy in the technical sense, but that’s not the kind of busy we’re referring to. When we say be busy, we mean fill your life doing things you love and enjoy so that you find that inner joy that comes from truly loving yourself and your life. A lot of dating advice says that being always available is a bad thing and it will make your value plummet. This is true in a sense, but availability isn’t really the problem. The problem is that if you’re always available, it probably means that you’re not doing anything interesting or fulfilling in your life to make yourself feel good and as a result, your relationship is the only thing filling you. With all your eggs in one basket, it’s no surprise you’d become extremely needy and dependent on the guy entertaining you – he’s all you have! To prevent this from happening, take up a new hobby, spend time with close friends, meditate, try out one of those crazy new all-the-

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rage exercise classes, do volunteer work, read the Twilight series, feed the ducks at your local park—if it makes you happy and gives your life meaning, do it up! Don’t Be Afraid of Losing Him Fear is at the heart of neediness. When you enter into a new relationship with fear in your heart, your focus won’t be on what you have, but rather, on what you stand to lose. Worrying about all the potential ways things can fall apart will make you crazy and can destroy your relationship. Instead, enjoy your time with that other person for what it is; be present and in the moment. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed with the fear of being taken advantage of or of being hurt. At the root of a needy mindset is the fear that the guy is going leave or that he’s going to withdraw in some way. In response to that fear, you may feel compelled to make him reassure you or prove his feelings towards you, inevitably turning the fears you had from the start into reality. If you look at the relationship like a precious, once-in-a-lifetime, fragile situation, then it's going to put you on edge from the start and you may be emotionally triggered if something looks like it's a bad sign. The best strategy is to treat the situation like it’s no big deal. Sure, you like this person and you enjoy spending time with him, but your life won’t end if the relationship does. It can be very difficult to be easygoing if all you’re focusing on is how perfect the other person is and how devastated you would be if he ever left. It doesn’t matter how “perfect” someone seems, you have to remind yourself that while he is a good guy, and while it would be great if things work out, you will be OK if they don’t. If you can approach the situation with this mindset you will be much more able to act without losing yourself.

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When we put so much of our hopes, dreams, and desires all on one person, we set ourselves up for great disappointment. We are also creating an unbalanced relationship where one person controls everything and gets away with it because the other person is too afraid they’ll never find better. One person isn't supposed to have absolute power; a relationship should be a democracy, not a dictatorship. Keep the Infatuation in Check The beginning of a new relationship can be a confusing time, tricking you into seeing and feeling things that are not true. Infatuation usually starts with the proverbial spark. You feel that tingly sensation all over, your senses are suddenly heightened and you're experiencing something you've never felt before. As romantic as the idea of love at first sight may seem, it's not reality. You cannot possibly know someone on a profound enough level to love them after a brief encounter. You can, however, become infatuated with them and this is where the trouble begins. We usually become infatuated when we don't quite know how the other person feels about us. We know we felt something strong and all-consuming and that's enough to convince us the other person must have felt it too, at least in some capacity. We read into the things they say and do, looking for any signs that prove our emotions are correct and that this is it. This uncertainty about how the other person feels may cause you to obsess. Suddenly, this guy goes from mortal to end-all-be-all. His approval causes unmatched levels of exhilaration; his disapproval sends you to the depths of despair. When the initial magic fades, you may try to cling desperately onto anything to keep the fantasy alive. This may result in needy behavior: asking him why he didn't call or text, analyzing every detail of every interaction, inviting him over out of the blue, even the dreaded drunk dial. At this point you're grasping

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at straws, desperately trying to salvage something that never was. When we become infatuated, we lose ourselves in the object of our desire. We don't see ourselves as we are; instead, we focus solely on how the other person sees us. It is a cruel trap if ever there was one. As soon as you depend on someone else for love and approval, you're done for. You are at his mercy and he has you under his complete control. From there, only more problems arise. You bang your head against the wall trying to figure out how to get him to be the guy you hoped he would be, the one who is caring and considerate. You try to talk to him calmly and rationally, but it doesn't get you anywhere and the problems persist. If you're an ANM reader, this is probably when you'll submit your first Ask a Guy question. Or, you'll just round up your girlfriends and moan in exasperation, "I just don't understand men!" When you become so consumed with the approval of someone else, you open the door for insecurity to come flooding in and without even realizing it, you become needy. The best defense in this situation is a strong offense. You need to know who you are and what you want so that you can clearly recognize when you’re in a situation that you don’t want. The trouble with infatuation is that it places the other person on an undeserved pedestal. What can you do? Reclaim that throne! At the end of the day he’s just a guy, there are plenty more of them out there. However, there is only one of you. Remember that and try to make the relationship you have with yourself your main priority. What it Looks Like Jackie met Curtis at a party one night and they hit it off instantly, spending most of the night chatting away. They made plans to go see

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a movie that coming Thursday, exchanged digits, and went their separate ways. Jackie was positive she’d hear from him, their connection was so strong, how could he not call? When she didn’t hear from him after the proverbial three days, she was a little surprised. Then when Thursday rolled around, she was downright in disbelief. She knew he was into her, how could he not be?! So she called him up, clearly catching him off guard, and asked if they were still on to see a movie that night. After an awkward phone conversation, they decided to go to dinner instead. While Jackie was naturally curious as to why Curtis didn’t call, she didn’t say a peep about it. She kept it cool, kept her confidence in check, and radiated a vibe that let him know he was lucky to be there with her and she did him a favor by giving him the benefit of the doubt. About mid-way through the meal, Curtis became suddenly solemn and said, “I’m really sorry I didn’t call. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s been a really crazy week and I really did mean to call.” Jackie didn’t even bat an eyelash, “No worries at all, I’ve been there.” Curtis couldn’t believe how confident and secure she was in herself and felt like the world’s biggest chump for not seeing it to begin with. He was hooked then and there. Calling a guy first is a very risky move and it can definitely backfire. However, it worked in this case because Jackie was coming from a place of confidence, not neediness. She didn’t get down on herself because he didn’t call, wondering what she did wrong while pouring over every single detail of their interaction. She assumed he was mistaken and took the initiative to help him correct said mistake. She didn’t need him to respond to her in a certain way, she didn’t need his validation or any sort of explanation. And when she didn’t ask, she received.

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HOW TO REDEEM YOURSELF FROM NEEDY BEHAVIOR Boy do we get a ton of questions on this one! They usually go something like this: girl is dating a guy, things seem to be moving along swimmingly, and then he suddenly pulls back. He either takes a little longer to text back, acts distant when they hang out, or maybe he goes a few days without returning a phone call. Girl may react by hunting him down and crying or yelling or pleading to understand why he’s doing this to her. He tells her he feels suffocated and says he needs space. Panic ensues all over again as she goes into damage control mode, desperately wishing the iPhone had an app for hitting the rewind button on life. Since technology has not yet found an antidote for Needy Woman Syndrome, she tries to fix the problem by doing her darndest to prove to him that she is not needy… which backfires and ends up reinforcing the fact that she is, thus pushing him even further away. Guys are quite fragile when it comes to the whole neediness issue and some scare way easier than others. For some guys, a teeny tiny crumb of neediness is all it takes to shoot them into panic mode. Don’t worry, your relationship is not doomed, this type of thing is salvageable. Don’t Get Apology-Happy When a relationship hits a glitch and neediness rears its ugly head, a lot of women will desperately try to turn back the clock by smothering the guy in some backwards attempt at trying to get him to forget what happened by constantly bringing it up. This will not work for obvious reasons. Your immediate response to the situation may be to text him something like, “I’m so sorry I acted needy, that’s so not like me. I never act like that, swear!” Big mistake. Whenever you tell someone you “never” do something, it usually means the opposite. Also,

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acknowledging the needy behavior does nothing to erase its existence. Instead, take a step back and consider the purpose of this apology. Did you say something insulting? Did you call him mean names? Did you hurt his feelings? Did you run over his dog? No, you got a little (or sometimes a lot) swept away in your feelings for him and allowed that to overtake the rational part of your brain. This merits no apology; a non-needy person would never feel the need to apologize for expressing herself, even if she isn’t thrilled with the way she handled the situation. Instead, she would own it and carry on with her life and the relationship projecting the attitude that her utter fabulous-ness is enough to outweigh any minor slip-up. Caveat: If you called him mean names when you were freaking out on him for disappearing or whatever he did to set you off, you can apologize for that, but only that. Do not ever utter the word neediness; don’t even use words that start with the letter N in the conversation. Be calm and rational and say: “I’m sorry I called you a ::insert expletive used::, that was out of line.” Do this once and only once, if you keep bringing it up he’ll keep remembering it. Say it Through Your Actions Remember what we said earlier about actions? Well the same standard applies here. Rather than backtracking with your words, do it through your actions. What will make the difference is him seeing and feeling that you truly don't need him to be a certain way like you once did. Show him that you are stable and happy in your own life and while you like him, his presence or continued absence will do nothing to change your happiness or emotional stability. It is a common trap is to think that your behavior is what repelled the guy, or that you tripped some imaginary wire that made him see you as "needy" thus dooming the relationship. There's a little bit of truth to that, but the needy behaviors are not the core problem. The

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core problem is that you don't feel like you're enough, by yourself, to be completely and totally happy and fulfilled in your life. You can’t convince someone that you are satisfied with your life via words. The only way to come across as a fulfilled person is to actively create a life that is meaningful and fulfilling to you. When you do this, you won’t have to watch the things you say or do because you will be a naturally confident, non-needy woman. “But what if he does something wrong? Do I just ignore it?” To be clear, we don't want you to be pushovers who will let a man do and say whatever he wants for fear that calling him out will make you appear needy. There are certain situations where a guy goes beyond being a little flakey and acts blatantly disrespectful. While you may really want to give him a piece of your mind, a more effective way to correct the behavior is to keep a cool head and show him you won’t stand for something, rather than just telling him. If your man promised to meet you somewhere at a specific time and then didn’t, it is understandable that you would be upset (not effective, but understandable). In a perfect world, guys would always keep their promises – if a guy isn’t sure that he can keep his promise, he shouldn’t make it in the first place! It is obviously inconsiderate to leave you hanging without a heads-up if he thinks he’s going to be late after setting a time, but choosing your reaction wisely is far more effective than reflexively blowing up at him and becoming consumed with blind, irrational rage. As a general rule, do not let your emotions take over—a man will never take a woman seriously when she comes at him from a place of emotion, he’ll just think she’s being hormonal or that it’s “that time of the month.” Remember, men hear actions, not words. As much as you may want to tear his head off, don’t. Or do… if want to push him

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away and guarantee that he continues to disappoint you down the line. How To Do It Right Let’s say a guy says he’s going to meet you for coffee at 3 p.m. You arrive on time, and are waiting and waiting when suddenly 3:30 rolls around and he’s still MIA. While you might be tempted to call him and let him know this is unacceptable and who does he think he is?! Don’t. This is a waste of time and energy and all he’ll hear is a needy woman getting too “emotional.” Instead, shoot a text saying something like: “Hey, I don't know if you got caught up or something, but I’m here. Let me know what's up." If you have to wait more than ten minutes after sending that, send another text saying: "Hey – I’m not sure what your status is, but I'm heading out,” and then just put it out of your mind. By doing this, you are demonstrating that you value yourself and your time and are showing him that if he wants you in his life, he needs to as well. By leaving after not getting a text within ten minutes after his 30 minute unexplained lateness the subtext is, “I’m willing to wait 30 minutes without explanation, I’m willing to give you a polite, benefit-of-the-doubt check-in and a ten minute window, but after that I'm moving on.” This sends a much stronger message than yelling at him ever could. If there is a situation where he truly disrespects you and you feel you absolutely must speak up, do it when you are calm and clearheaded. Don’t let your words get drowned out by waves of emotion. Men don’t listen to emotion; they listen to reason. Be honest, straightforward, and direct. And keep it succinct! Men have an incredibly short attention span, as any woman who has ever had a conversation with a man probably knows, meaning he’ll probably listen for the first ten seconds and then slowly tune you out. To make sure he hears you loud and clear, keep it brief and to the point.

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Suggestion: If he does something you consider unacceptable, say something along the lines of, “Is this the sort of thing you usually do? I just need to know now.” This tells him that you expect more and if he doesn’t start giving it, you’ll leave. CHEAT SHEET We’ve covered a lot of ground in the chapter. If you ever find yourself in need of a quick refresher course, refer to this handy cheat sheet to ensure you never freak a man out with neediness again. - Don’t make him the center of your attention. It’s fine to be interested, but when you blur the line between interest and obsession, you run the risk of sending out that “needy” vibe. As we learned, people are inherently repelled by neediness. - Keep busy. If you are busy with the rest of your life, you have less of a chance obsessing over him. Don’t be busy just for the sake of distraction though. Fill your life with fun and meaningful activities that help you feel valuable and complete. - Keep your mind under control. It’s not easy, but guys know when you will bend over backwards at the drop of a hat. The more you obsess over him, the more likely it is you’ll repel him, so nip it in the bud and stop letting him occupy so much space in your mind. - Never use a relationship to fill a void for you. Live your life in a way where it feels like enough for you to be completely full of happiness, whether or not you're in a relationship. This will look different for different women, but the sooner you figure it out, the sooner you'll be a master of all your relationships. - You can't trick a guy into thinking you’re different from how you truly are in order to attract him. You need to be that person by living your life in that way. And the best way to live attractively is to have a life that's so full of things you love that you wouldn't notice if the guy reappears or not, texts back or not, and so on.

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CHAPTER 2: When a Seemingly Good Connection/Relationship Goes Bad “Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.” – Anonymous The most common types of questions boil down to amateur detective work on why a guy didn’t do what the girl wanted him to do. The questions take on different forms, but ultimately the pattern is this: A girl likes a guy... he shows some kind of signal that he might like her... a courtship of sorts ensues and things seem to be going great, but then… he starts to withdraw. As soon as this happens, the poor girl becomes overwhelmed with self-doubt and confusion about the guy and might start chasing him and hunting him down to get some answers…which causes him to withdraw even further. The ultimate question comes down to this: "I thought he liked me, what happened?" We get flooded with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a relationship.” The majority of these issues could be resolved by doing one simple thing: backing off. When you take a few steps backward, it gives him the space to move a few steps forward and put forth a little more effort to win you over. Keep going and you’ll see what we mean.

WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK? Using a guy’s text message habits as a litmus test for your relationship status seems to be the norm these days (even though it’s completely and utterly arbitrary, but we’ll get to that later). If a guy doesn’t text a girl back it’s usually for one of the following

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reasons: 1. He’s not that into her 2. He’s busy 3. She’s being needy and he doesn’t want to deal with it 4. He didn’t have his phone nearby 5. He’s hanging out with another girl First and foremost, do not try to fix the behavior with why didn’t yous (Why didn’t you call? Why did you tell me you might be late? Why didn’t you text back sooner?), nothing along those lines! You might think you’re drawing a line in the sand, but he sees it as something else entirely: neediness. Here are a few tips to help you keep a clear head and an objective perspective if you find yourself in this sort of situation: Examine the Circumstance We live in an ADD culture and when a guy doesn’t text back immediately, it’s most likely because he’s busy. Guys tend to be single-minded in what they’re doing and tend to focus on meeting one objective at a time. If a guy is busy, the last thing he wants is to be interrupted over and over again with text messages and the burden of having to respond right away. Usually, what started out as something innocent (him being busy) turns into unnecessary drama (you overreacting and seeing it as a sign that the relationship is in trouble). Before you get all riled up about his texting habits and what it means, examine the circumstances. If he disappears when you're in the middle of making plans and things start to get complicated (you say you’re busy this day, he’s busy on that day, you’re free after eight, he can only do before seven), then he probably got distracted somewhere along the way and is directing his attention elsewhere. It

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doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see you; he was probably in the middle of something else and planned on getting back to you when he could focus and didn’t feel the need to text further at that exact moment since you guys were going around in circles anyway. He may also go silent if you’re having one of those texting-but-nottalking-about-anything conversations (How are you?...Good, you?...Good, work is stressing me out…Same, today has been nonstop…Same here…). Guys are very goal-oriented and oftentimes they’ll just get distracted and not feel the need to text further unless it’s for a specific purpose. Men are not women, shocking right? While most women can effectively juggle a minimum of five things at a time, men have enough trouble focusing on one thing at a time. Just because texting while you’re in the middle of a million other things comes easily to you doesn’t mean it’s the same for him. Women are naturally good at multi-tasking; most men are not. Remember this and cut him some slack when he takes longer than you would to respond. We can never really know what’s going on in someone else’s head. When it comes to this whole texting issue (and by the way, most guys have no idea how crazy this whole texting/calling regularly thing is for girls, none!), trying to get to the why is an exercise in futility. A much more effective use of your time is to focus on how you react to the situation. The Best Reaction Is No Reaction When you stop reacting to things automatically, you gain awareness of the situation. You will stop getting lost in emotions that don’t help you and will gain a clearer perspective on the best way to respond (if the situation even warrants a response). When you are unreactive, you get to choose the best move. When you are able to see things from a more objective standpoint, you’ll realize that him not texting

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you back promptly isn’t that big of a deal. Rather than getting consumed with fury when he takes a while to respond, just shift your focus and do something else. And whatever you do, don’t wait on him. People tend to see how much they can get away with. If you’re always available to a guy, he’ll treat you like an option rather than a priority. If you are selectively available and only act as accommodating as he is to you, you will get the respect and “good behavior” you’re looking for. This isn’t just a guy thing, it’s a human thing – we value only what we have to work for. Or, put differently, we value the things that aren’t guaranteed or freely available to us unless we earn them. When trying to figure out the appropriate response to certain situations, it’s helpful to think about the way you interact with your friends. If you text one of your friends asking what she’s up to that night and don’t hear back from her for a few hours, do you go into panic mode and assume she no longer cares about you? Do you analyze the last text you sent her, searching for hidden clues to tell you what you did wrong? Do you feel angry and throw your hands up with an exasperated I just don’t get it!? Probably not. Chances are you don’t even notice how long she takes to answer your text. And if you do, you probably assume she’s busy or doesn’t have her phone handy. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could respond in the same calm and collected manner when a guy you like takes a while to text back? Well then there you go! The choice is up to you.

Remember, this doesn’t make you a pushover or a doormat. It makes you a confident woman who doesn’t need a guy to text her every five minutes in order to know he really cares about her.

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Assume He Likes You If you assume he likes you, you remove the fear and the anxiety that stems from this whole “why didn’t he text me back?” conundrum. He likes you. You know he does (or at least, you’re doing a good job convincing yourself he does!), so what is there to worry about? People who assume other people like them are more likable. The same is true for people who assume others don’t like them: if you believe you are unlikable, people will be more likely to dislike you. Sure, it may seem a little delusional to force yourself into believing the other person feels the way you want them to feel, but the truth is that we do it all the time anyway. The trouble is most people automatically assume the worst and look for signs that point to the outcome they don’t want. If you’re going to make any assumptions, you may as well go with the one that serves you instead of one that guarantees failure. Be Complete One of the best things you can do is make sure that you have a full and enjoyable life. When your life is meaningful and full of friends, fun, and fulfillment, you won’t fall into the trap of obsessing when that next text is going to come or if he called or not; you’ll be too busy enjoying the rest of your life. If you are smothering a guy with needing him to reassure you and text you back constantly, you will drive him away. The right move in this situation is to back off, keep your life filled with fun and exciting options, and give him space to put in the effort and pursue you. This isn’t being manipulative – guys actually like to pursue women (to a point) and they appreciate having the space to do so. What It Looks Like Marissa and Luke had been seeing each other for a few months and

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while things were going well, Marissa was growing increasingly frustrated by Luke’s texting habits. Luke would often go MIA when they were in the middle of making plans and while she often accommodated his flakiness, she was getting sick of telling her friends, “Oh, I can’t commit to anything this weekend because I might have plans with Luke, still waiting to hear back…” She called him out on it a few times and while he would apologize for “leaving her hanging,” the problem persisted. Luke was simply a bad texter, some people are just born that way. He didn’t mean to do it; he wasn’t intentionally trying to piss her off; he just didn’t have any sort of substantial motivation to change this ingrained behavior. By waiting around for him to respond and being so accommodating to his schedule, Marissa was perpetuating the very problem she was so steadfastly fighting against. Eventually, Marissa decided enough was enough. One week she made tentative plans with Luke to do something that coming Saturday. True to form, he didn’t finalize anything and simply stopped texting after they decided “maybe we’ll do something on Saturday.” Marissa knew if she pressed him to make a definite plan he would just give her vague answers (“I may have to work, I’ll let you know,” “My friend might be coming to town, not sure yet, I’ll keep you posted”), so when he didn’t lock down something by the end of the week, she made other plans. That Saturday, Luke texted her at around 5 p.m. asking what time they were meeting and was stunned when she said she couldn’t see him because she made plans with her girlfriends. “What do you mean you have other plans? We were supposed to do something tonight.” “Well you said you might be free, but we never decided on anything concrete, so I assumed it was a no go. So sorry for the mix

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up, have a fun night!” Luke stayed home that night twiddling his thumbs and torturing himself with thoughts of how many guys were hitting on his girl at that exact moment. From then on, he never left her hanging and was sure to make definite plans in advance. When He Goes from Texting A Lot…to Nothing There are some situations where a guy is a horrible texter from the start (like Luke), and other cases where his texting habits slowly disintegrate over time. In the beginning, he’s a texting machine. After a month or two, not so much. He’ll text here and there, but nowhere near his texting glory days. The problem is not that you are doing something inherently wrong to cause him to text less frequently. The problem is that it’s not sustainable. Texting constantly is—to put it bluntly—a pain in the rear for most guys. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s natural for the guy to try to win you over and to do whatever he can to keep your attention on him. And what better way to insert himself into your mind than by texting you throughout the day? Once things are a bit more established, he may not feel the need to do this anymore. Also, it’s not a realistic, sustainable habit to be constantly texting little messages all day. Guys, lovable as they can be, usually like to use the phone to make a plan and that’s it. They don’t like chitchat if it’s not towards a purpose; it’s just not how they’re wired. A big mistake many women make is assuming the guy no longer feels as strongly for her because he texts less frequently. Texting isn’t a barometer for the relationship. The time you spend together, and how meaningful and enjoyable it is, counts much more than the

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amount of time that has elapsed since his last text. Instead of counting the texts and analyzing the emoticons, put your focus on creating a life that is fulfilling outside of the relationship and a connection that is meaningful within the relationship.

WHY DID HE VANISH? Now this is a frustrating situation if ever there was one. You’re seeing a guy, you think things are rolling right along splendidly, and then suddenly he’s gone, vanished without a trace. You consider for a moment if he might be dead or in a coma, but you notice there has been activity on his Facebook page, so that’s not it. He has just suddenly and abruptly decided he no longer wants to see you and you’re left trying to figure out why. At the end of the day, you don’t know why and there is no way you’ll be able to know for sure. And frankly, it would be a waste of time to try and play detective. There’s no benefit to putting yourself through that agony. It really doesn’t matter why he vanished or what, if anything, broke the camel’s back. The bigger issue here is your emotional state. You’re confused, you’re worried, you’re upset. You’re racking your brain trying to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. You examine all the possibilities. Is it something I said? Something I did? Something I didn’t do? These emotions are all understandable when someone you care about disappears. The Most Likely Reason… While every situation is different, these disappearing acts usually occur because the guy feels trapped or freaked out by the relationship and finds it easier to just remove himself entirely instead of looking you in the face and telling you why he doesn’t want to be with you (does anyone, guy or girl, ever really want to have that

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conversation? Yes it’s the more dignified approach, but it’s also the more torturous!). This sort of thing doesn’t usually boil down to one particular thing you said or did. It’s probably rooted in an overall vibe that you’re conveying, and that vibe would be none other than our dear friend neediness. If you are absolutely positive that you did not send out any “needy” signals and you were as cool and confident as can be, then he probably has a wife and kids somewhere, or maybe he did lapse into a coma. It’s always one of those three. Guys aren’t anti-relationship. A guy will happily hop into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in him and makes him feel great about who he is and what he has to offer. If you communicate, even in the slightest way, that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life preserver or crutch for your emotional stability, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship with you. His reasoning will most likely be that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with and the last thing he needs is to take on someone else’s. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and focus on becoming the best version of you. Be the kind of girl that no man would ever dream of leaving without an explanation, or leaving period. When a Guy Vanishes After a Great First Date While not quite as tormenting as when a guy you’ve been seeing pulls a vanishing act, a guy disappearing after an amazing first date is equally puzzling and can do a number on your self-esteem. There are a few possible reasons why a guy might fade into the abyss after a seemingly wonderful first date. Either he wasn’t that into you and was just being polite throughout the date, was primarily trying to get laid and decided not to push it any further when you

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didn’t put out that night, or he didn’t think you were that into him. Possibility #1: He’s not that into you For whatever reason, he may just not be into you. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there, it happens. There is also a possibility that you came across as alarmingly eager. Interest and enthusiasm are not the same as over-eagerness. If he feels that you’re unjustifiably eager, he may want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. On a first date, a guy can usually piece together whether dating you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He asks about yourself, he gets a sense of how much you enjoy your life and what you do to fill your time. If you pretty much don’t enjoy anything (you don’t really like your friends anymore, you don’t like your job, you don’t like your lifestyle), then he is most likely going to avoid dating you because he doesn’t want to be the guy who has to perk you up. On the other end of the spectrum, talking endlessly about how great your life is reeks of the same emotional baggage. Bragging conveys that you have something to prove and that you’re trying to impress him. You don’t have to tell him about how many guys hit on you when you go out, or how your ex is still so obsessed with you, or how you are the most important person at your job, or how you have the coolest life anyone can imagine. If you carry yourself with confidence, he will assume these things all on his own and then he will be the one trying to win you over. When you make a strong case for your awesomeness, all he’ll see is your insecurities and no guy wants to deal with that. Next time you find yourself asserting your “greatness,” take a step back and remember this phrase: A rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s rich. Suggestion: A useful concept to keep in mind is the self-fulfilling prophecy—that which we believe (or fear) tends to come true when it

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is focused on earnestly. This concept can have a positive or negative effect on a person’s life, depending on whether they habitually focus on positive outcomes or negative outcomes. If you go into a date full of fear of rejection, you are setting yourself up to get rejected. If you go in with confidence, truly believing this guy will be powerless against your charm and endless virtues, then you pretty much guarantee a second date before you even start the first one. Possibility #2: He doesn’t think you’re into him Guys can be somewhat uneasy when they first meet a woman. It varies from guy to guy (and also depends on how many women he’s dated), but sometimes it takes a bright blinking neon sign in order for a guy to know that a woman likes him. As guys get more experienced with women, they generally know that their best bet is to assume the woman is interested in them and act accordingly (respectfully, of course). However, not all guys come from this place of internal validation and they may look to the woman for signs that indicate she’s attracted. If she is guarded, playing hard-to-get, or just not a very expressive type of person, he may interpret her behavior as meaning she’s not feeling him. Here are a few things that a woman might do unconsciously during a date that signal to a guy she’s not interested: -Texting or talking on the phone during a date. (If you genuinely have to and you’re apologetic, that’s fine. Otherwise, red flag.) -Not smiling. -Not really participating in the conversation. He talks and you respond with something minimal in an indifferent tone. -Actively showing disinterest in talking to him – paying attention to other things happening in the room, checking the time, checking for the waiter to hurry up and bring the bill.

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Confusing Situation Decoded You go on a date with a guy who not only seemed really interested, but actually said, “I’m really into you”…and never hear from him again (or worse, receive an e-mail from him apologizing and saying he didn’t feel a “spark”). You feel utterly confused by this, especially since he poured it on so thick, telling you how beautiful/amazing /smart/incredible/fabulous you are and even ending the date with a passionate kiss. No spark?! The most likely explanation here is that during the date, the guy, for whatever reason, decided that you weren’t the kind of girl he could see himself with. However, he still finds you sexy and his feelings of attraction may overpower the logical side of his brain, hence the sweet nothings. To put it bluntly, he'd be up for having sex with you, but not into having a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship with you (which is what he believes you want). This scenario is one of the main reasons women are warned so heavily against sleeping with a guy on the first date. If you sleep with this kind of guy, he’ll never call again and if you don’t sleep with him, he’ll also (most likely) never call again. The moral of the story? Ignore the kisses and compliments and hone in on the actual person. Cheat Sheet On a first date, it’s always best to show interest without seeming over eager. If it sounds confusing, here are some quick tips to get it right: Do: Listen to him, make eye contact, keep your phone tucked away (and if you must check it, do so when you take a bathroom break), ask questions, smile, laugh when he says something funny (or something he thinks is funny), find subtle ways to touch him. Don’t: Hang on every single word like a love struck Romeo, agree with everything he says even if you don’t actually agree, brag about

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yourself, complain about your life, talk about your exes, ask when you’re going to see him again, ask him what he’s looking for relationship-wise, be too aggressive, throw yourself at him. When A Guy Vanishes Before A Great First Date You meet a guy—maybe it’s at a bar, a coffee shop, bookstore, wherever, and it just clicks. You talk about hanging out sometime, swap digits, he says he’ll call…and he never does. Now you’re really flippin’ confused. How can he dump you before taking you out on one stinkin’ date? This premature vanishing act can occur for a million reasons. You never really know with strangers; he might be married with kids or a serial killer on the loose. He may have chickened out or maybe he forgot about you (this is usually the case if you met at a dark bar during the wee hours). You can never really know with absolute certainty why a guy never called, but we can give you helpful pointers to up your odds and help you become more call-able. The best way to pique a man’s interest is to be confident, open, friendly, and able to hold your own in a conversation. Talk to him like you already know him (as opposed to awkward, interview-like, stilted bar conversation). This establishes a connection and comfort level and reduces the risk of him chickening out on making the phone call. Here are a few more handy pointers: 1. Have him picture you hanging out together This is a great psychological trick. When you’re talking to a guy that you’re digging, try to maneuver the conversation toward things you two could do together. Most importantly, get him to picture doing whatever this thing is together with you. It doesn’t matter what it is— cooking, grocery shopping, rock climbing, playing Wii Tennis. If he is

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able to picture the two of you having fun hanging out in the future, it is much more likely to happen. Having someone picture hanging out with you in the future and having fun makes them feel comfortable with the idea, like it’s already happened. Remember, don’t force things along (unless you’re incredibly skillful in conversation), just work it in naturally and gently. 2. Don’t be afraid to be challenging and/or tease him a bit Most men would agree that the women who make the biggest impression are the ones who challenge them in some way. Sometimes they’re challenging by teasing a bit. Sometimes they’re challenging by not going along with everything he’s saying. Sometimes they’re challenging by calling him out on his b.s. When a woman is challenging, in addition to being interesting and fun, it’s an irresistible combination. Being challenging without any other qualities, however, is just plain annoying. When you can mix in a little bit of challenge in addition to your normal charming disposition, you’ll find that a little push goes a long way. A lot of women misinterpret this to mean being difficult, bitchy, or contrarian. That is not what we recommend. The simple trick here is to act like a complete equal who can expand and deepen his experience of life because you don't just go along with everything he says and everything he does. If you do agree with him or want to go along with him on something, by all means do! It would be silly to put up static against what you do want. Don’t be afraid to voice your true feelings and true opinions for fear that the guy will reject you. In reality, this kind of honesty will only deepen your relationship with him (and his respect and attraction towards you). 3. Enjoy the conversation for what it is

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Girls who have experienced this sort of disappearing act many times before may end up developing a complex around it, telling themselves things like, “All the guys I actually like never call me back” or, “Guys never call me, what am I doing to scare them away?” This automatically poisons their interactions with men because they will be coming from a place of fear and, you guessed it, neediness. If you go into a conversation fearing that a guy won’t do something that you want him to do, you are bringing neediness into the interaction. That is, you need him to act a certain way otherwise you’ll feel worried/upset/sad/insecure. Neediness is one of those vibes that just repels people, even if it doesn’t manifest in an outwardly obvious way. Neediness from a guy is just as repulsive to a girl as neediness from a girl is to a guy. Think about the guys who go out of their way to impress you before they even really know you. Does this make you feel special? Probably not, it probably creeps you out. So what’s the solution? Enjoy the conversation for what it is. Put your best self forward and if you like him, try to set the stage for a date. 4. Assume he’s going to call No matter what, assume he’s going to call from the start of the interaction and stick to that assumption! Don’t try to get him to give you this assurance by saying something desperate like, “Are you sure you’re gonna call? You promise? You pinky promise?" And don’t think you’re being stealthy by hiding your desperation under a cloak of flirtation with something like, “I bet you always hit on girls and say you’ll call you sneaky little stud you.” No matter how you phrase it, if you try to get some sort of guarantee that he’s going to call, you’re telling him that you’re insecure and don’t think you’re good enough for him to call. If you

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don’t think that about yourself, why should he? 5. Let it be Once you’ve done all that… that’s it. Women set the stage for future heartache (and a whopping headache) when they analyze and obsess over the details. If you don’t hear from him and you did everything we mentioned above, then there were extenuating circumstances that had nothing to do with you (the wife, the kids, the cops on his tail). Your only option at this point is to take a step back and swallow a giant chill pill. Maybe do some yoga, practice meditating, hang out with friends, any distraction is good because the thinking and obsessing will only cause more problems down the road.

WHEN A GUY ACTS DISTANT AND WITHDRAWS Before a guy vanishes, there is often a period of withdrawal. Only he doesn’t seem to experience any withdrawal symptoms. No those are reserved for you (nausea, stomach pains, anxiety, sweaty palms, insomnia). Yes, as he withdraws, you go further into withdrawal. You are a junkie and he is slowly weaning you off the drug known on the streets as Him. This is a critical time when the fate of your relationship is almost entirely under your control. When a guy pulls back, the curtains open, the spotlight is on and it’s shining right down on you. How you react tells him exactly who you are and what kind of girl you will be in a relationship. It might not be true, but it feels pretty darn true to him so he’ll back off, more and more. The way you react to him pulling away speaks volumes and is the deciding vote in whether or not this relationship will survive. You are

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down to your final question and your lifelines have all been used up. Are you sure you want to choose that reaction? Now to be clear, we do not advocate intentionally manipulating your behavior for the sole purpose of getting the guy, that’s just neediness all dressed up. No, if you’re going to survive this inevitable relationship hurdle, you need to genuinely be in the right place emotionally. When a guy starts to pull away, a lot of women hit the rewind button in their minds and think back to a happier time—the beginning. He liked me so much at first, I don’t get it! He told me I was beautiful, that he had never ever met anyone like me, that I was the most magnificent creature to ever walk the earth. Why is he doing this?! Why???!!! We’re gonna get to all of that, but first let’s talk about the things guys say in the beginning of a relationship because this really seems to trip up most women. “But he was so sweet in the beginning, was it a lie?” When a guy says things like, “I’ve never liked a girl so much so soon,” or texts you saying he misses you when you barely know each other, he is not making a declaration of everlasting, undying love for you. He is just saying that at that moment, he feels good about you. However, all emotions are subject to change. Statements like this should be enjoyed, but taken with a grain of salt and not treated as milestones or markers of the quality of your relationship. Not in the beginning, at least. The things a guy says in the early stages of a relationship are also often rooted in his own insecurity. That may be hard to believe, but it’s true. He doesn’t know whether or not you actually like him or if you are attracted to him, so he may throw things out there just to see how you respond and to get a read on the relationship potential.

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Everyone wants to be liked; it’s a great feeling for both guys and girls. However, it’s important to keep in mind that all that mushy stuff he piles on in the beginning is primarily his way of hooking you in and seeing where you stand, not necessarily his way of expressing his feelings. It’s not that he doesn’t feel anything for you or that he won’t feel anything for you, but at this early phase, it’s all just poetry. It will be real when both of you are convinced that you like each other and you are both able to drop your guards and get to know each other on a more real and personal level, one that doesn’t involve reading the proverbial signs. When he feels that there is a real connection between the two of you, when he knows that you like him back and you both enjoy your time together, that is when things will take on a more meaningful shape. When the Sweet Talk Stops He’s being all sweet and it’s working, you start to really like him… and then there’s a palpable shift. This is usually the point where the guy realizes that you really like him, he has you, and he doesn’t have to worry whether or not he could lose you anymore. Things are probably starting to get comfortable—you make plans regularly, you’re in contact more frequently, and a relationship seems just around the corner. While you might start getting really excited by this prospect, this particular guy has probably gotten freaked out. At this point, he’s afraid everything he said in the beginning led you to believe that you guys are a couple. As a reaction to this fear, he may start acting out to show you that this is not the case. He cancels plans, he goes MIA for days at a time, he acts distant when you guys do speak or hang out. You feel overwhelmed by confusion and yearn for things to go

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back to the way they were. At the root of it, the same sense of insecurity that made him obsessed with finding out if you like him is now scaring him into thinking that you’re going to take his freedom away. This is a guy thing; he might be completely faithful to you in every way, but he still wants to feel like he can do whatever he wants. What may seem like a sudden loss of interest is really just his way of holding onto his freedom. It doesn’t mean he’s not into you anymore; the reason he’ll send those sweet texts from time to time is to make sure you know he’s still interested. His behavior is really his way of trying to slow things down. The way you respond determines whether they ever pick back up. The Freak Out Phase The Freak Out Phase usually occurs after a relationship hits some sort of milestone. This can be something substantial, like becoming “official,” or something subtle, like a sense that the relationship is deepening. As soon as this happens, an alarm bell may go off in a man’s mind, scaring him into thinking that he’s about to lose his freedom and independence. As a reaction, he may withdraw a bit. The way you respond during this time is critical. If you start getting on his case (Why didn’t you call? Where have you been? Why are you being so shady?), he will start to feel trapped and suffocated and will pull away even more. If you keep badgering him, he will no longer see you as a prize he needs to win over, he will see you as a desperate and clingy pest. When you take his actions personally and assume he’s withdrawing because of something you said or did, you will start acting all needy and insecure, suffocating the guy with your fears and concerns. When this happens, his mind goes, SEE!! I told you you're losing your freedom! Look at how she's all on top of you now! Not

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giving you even an ounce of space or freedom for yourself! Run Forrest, run! When a guy asks for space, this is what usually happens: 1. Guy, for whatever reason, feels emotionally unbalanced. This could stem from feeling pressured, fear of commitment, or any number of reasons, but something is causing him to feel a little “freaked.” 2. Guy feels he needs to handle his issue and thinks that having girl around will make it much harder for him to figure things out. 3. Guy tells girl he needs space. 4. Girl gives him space, but then starts thinking about what she could have done wrong and tries to figure out what sparked this sudden need for space. 5. Girl’s thinking quickly becomes coated with tremendous insecurity, fear of abandonment, jealousy, a feeling that she screwed up somehow, or that she wasn’t good enough. 6. Girl works herself into such an emotional wreck that she can’t help herself from contacting the guy, hoping to receive reassurance or validation while trying to force things to go back to the way they were pre-freak-out. 7. Guy feels pressured and interrupted, which makes him more emotionally unstable and makes it harder to handle his issues. 8. Guy pulls back further, girl sees this as further confirmation that everything she was fearing is true.

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9. Cycle continues, repeat steps 7, 8 and 9 indefinitely. A guy can withdraw for any number of reasons and it isn’t a phenomenon exclusive to the early stages of a relationship. Guys may also take a step back when they feel that something is wrong in the relationship and they want to get a handle on how they feel about it on their own. What they don’t want is someone hounding them to explain their feelings and actions, especially since they’re not clear on these things themselves. Or maybe there’s nothing going on upstairs and he’s just testing the waters before he emotionally invests himself further… The Testing Phase What many people refer to as the “Testing Phase” is actually more like “the guy showing his true self to see how you will react phase.” Realistically, a guy isn’t always going to act the way he did in the very beginning. In the beginning, he’s trying to win you over. He calls you every day, he takes you out to nice places, and when he’s with you his focus is fully on you. However, this can’t go on forever. There will be times when he can’t constantly check in and eventually, he’s going to have to devote energy and effort to areas in his life outside of you. What may feel like a test or a withdrawal is often just him being his normal self. The way you respond is vital if you want the relationship to live to see another day. If you instantly pounce on him when he takes a while to text back, he may see it as a taste of worse things to come, of more constant questions, of more demands he has to fulfill, and he will head for the hills. If you freak out when he turns his head to look at a pretty girl or if he has a conversation with a female other than you, he’ll see you as insecure (and a little crazy) and there is nothing that turns a man off faster than that (actually neediness can, but neediness and insecurity go hand in hand).

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The best way for a guy to determine if he wants to be with a particular woman is to see how she reacts when she doesn’t get what she wants. Think about it, it’s easy to be with a woman when she’s happy and when you’re doing everything she wants. But that’s not always possible; every man knows that sooner or later the woman is going to be unhappy with something he says or does. For a man, it’s better to know how she’ll react to these things before he gets in too deep. When a guy “tests” you, he’s really looking to see how secure you are and how well you can handle yourself and your emotions. If you lose control, you will confirm his preconceived notion that all women are crazy and too emotional. Keep your cool and handle yourself with dignity and he will think he has finally found the diamond in the rough. At last! A woman who will let me breathe! I’m hanging onto this one and never letting go! It may seem childish or unfair, but before you rage against the whole system, remember that women also have their way of testing men. We may complain about it, but when you get to the heart of it, testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak. If a girl is too insecure to handle having to wait for a text or her guy glancing over at another woman, then she's really not ready for a long-term relationship anyway, plain and simple. An Important Clarification on Testing Many women hear about men "testing" women in relationship and get this idea that men are intentionally doing and saying things to test a woman's response. This is not the case. Men don’t seek out ways to cause drama and promote game playing. A man's ideal world is a world with no drama and no problems. The reality is that men are just going along being themselves and

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when a girl reacts with drama and turmoil, they notice it. Men can't help but take note and remember these things. Guys are typically pretty understanding; they understand that everyone has the occasional bad day. But when they see a pattern of drama, neediness, or insecurity, it becomes a huge red flag. This is all picked up subconsciously; it's not that men are intentionally testing women, it's just that men can't help but pick up on, and remember, bad reactions. The Post-Coital Test The way you behave after you sleep with a guy for the first time is the biggest “test” of all, so if you want this relationship to work, you best not screw it up! After you sleep with a guy, he will often assume that you’re going to get attached and want to be his girlfriend, like, yesterday. It's a powerful stereotype that isn't going anywhere anytime soon, sorry. Again, it comes down to being cool, collected, and confident. Do not start having visions of the future; stop planning those couples vacations in your mind; stop thinking of all the fun things you and your new boyfriend are gonna do. Why stop? Because he's not your boyfriend yet! If you guys are official before you seal the deal in the biblical sense, then just move along at the same pace as before. Don’t assume everything is different now because in his mind it isn’t, he’s just so terrified that it is in your mind. After you sleep with a guy for the first time, he turns into a teeny tiny mouse; even the slightest most minute thing can send him scurrying off to vanish into the nearest hiding place until it’s safe to come out. Remember, play it cool. Act as if everything is the same and do not press him for any sort of reassurance. If he backs off, do not freak out. He did not use you, he wasn’t only looking to get laid, he isn’t

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backing off because he no longer cares. Pulling back a bit might not even be a conscious decision on his part, it may be a manifestation of society’s notion that all women turn into clingy crazies after they do the deed and he might unconsciously be trying to see if it’s true. Keep your cool and he will know you’re a keeper. Just to clarify, a relationship certainly can deepen after sex, especially if you wait until you’ve established a solid connection with your partner. It really varies from one couple to the next, but for all intents and purposes, it’s best to not over-dramatize things and keep moving along at the same pace. If there has been a real shift in the dynamic of the relationship, you will both feel it and the level of commitment and intimacy will intensify organically. The Proof is in the Science A study conducted on a college campus to understand gender preferences when it comes to dating versus casual hookups can better elucidate how men and women typically react after getting physical. Overall, researchers found that men and women prefer traditional dating over random hookups and both genders were in accord on the benefits and risks of dating and hooking up. However, there were some notable differences: • Women more than men seem to want a relationship. Women fear, both in dating and hooking up, that they will become emotionally attached to a partner who is not interested in them. • Men more than women seem to value independence. Men fear that even in hooking-up relationships, which are supposed to be free of commitments, a woman might seek to establish a relationship. Fun Fact: The fears men have about women wanting a relationship

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right away aren’t fully unwarranted. There are biological reasons why women become more emotionally attached to their lovers than men do. Studies conducted to better understand romantic attachment discovered that orgasms cause both oxytocin and vasopressin to be released from the hypothalamus (the part of the brain that is responsible for pleasure and mating). Although the two neuropeptides associated with continued attachment are secreted in both men and women, oxytocin and vasopressin have a stronger influence on women. What this means is women, much more than men, will get that warm and fuzzy feeling and feel a deep connection to their partner as a result. If you notice your feelings for him have suddenly changed while in a state of postcoital bliss, remember that this “connection” you feel is just an illusion, or rather, the crafty work of some feel-good hormones! How to Get Through the Tests and Freak Outs Surviving the “Freak Out” or “Testing” phases is pretty simple: just play it cool. Guys want to keep the drama in their lives to a minimum. When a girl starts making a guy’s life more uncomfortable, less fun, less enjoyable than before, he’ll try to get away from her as quickly as possible. You don’t want to be the crazy lady he’s running away from, you want to be the awesome girl he can’t stop himself from moving closer to, and you can be! There is nothing more appealing than a confident, happy, selffulfilled woman. Ask any guy and he’ll agree that this sort of a woman is the ultimate dream girl. Unfortunately, such a woman can be very hard to find. This is why it is so unbelievably important to find happiness within yourself before you jump into a relationship. If a guy knows that you don’t need him in order to be happy, he won’t be afraid that being with you will mark the end of his days as a free man.

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If he sees that you have your own life and enjoy doing your own thing, he’ll know that you won’t cause a fuss if he does the same. Remember, a guy is only as invested in you as the effort he puts into the relationship. If he’s not putting forth effort, he’s not investing in the relationship. So don’t try to push him to do anything – live your life and give him the space to come to you. If he does, great, he’s further invested. If he doesn’t, well as they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Either way, that’s much better than pushing on him, him pulling away, and you smothering the life out of the relationship. The results can be pretty astounding. If you just back off a bit and let it be, he will suddenly go from mixed-signal-sending-jerk to knight in shining armor. If you don’t believe us, give it a try.

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CHAPTER 3: When You Don't Know How He Feels About You... “You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved.”- Derek Gamba The whole "does he like me?" issue tends to get either unnecessarily complicated (look for the signs!) or overly simplified (he's just not that into you). However, there is a lot of middle ground in between these two universal answers. It isn't always as simple as he loves you, he loves you not, nor is it so complicated that you and your girlfriends need to put on your surgical masks and slice into the relationship, dissecting every minute detail, placing it under the microscope and offering a minimum of 20 different theories as to what each particular action could potentially mean. Let’s make life a little easier and less labor-intensive, shall we?

HOW TO KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU He says he likes you, acts like he doesn’t. Then he acts like he does, but says something that makes you think he doesn’t. It’s a maddening guessing game that can drive you absolutely mad…if you let it. Assume He Does As we mentioned in the previous chapter, believing someone likes you can have a powerful impact on how they feel about you. If you can’t tell whether or not he likes you, your best bet is to strongly assume that he does. Thoughts have a funny way of becoming a reality; if you come into the situation already believing something to be true, reality will usually align with your version of the story. So save yourself the effort of trying to solve the mystery and assume that

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things are the way you want them to be. At the heart of it, that’s what confidence is about. An Adelphi University study on social interactions and likeability found that study subjects who believed others liked them—regardless of whether it was true—made others more likely to return the sentiment. How does this work? Those who believed others liked them projected more warmth and intimacy, so the people they spoke with did too, leading to a fulfilling conversation for both people. Unfortunately, most people assume the worst and it stings them hard. It makes them worried, fearful, and insecure. You may think that the only way to get rid of this awful feeling of insecurity is to put yourself out there by trying to get your guy to reassure you of his feelings or by blaming him for "making" you feel this way. These are all huge mistakes because: a) They show him that you are desperately needy for his approval. b) They show him that you can't handle your own emotions and blame him for your emotional responses. c) You're giving him total control over your emotions when the only person that can truly address your emotional insecurities is you. Worrying what the other person is thinking or feeling gives them complete control and turns them into the prize that you are trying to win over. Also, if you get caught up in how he feels about you, you are no longer focusing on how you feel about him. This is the stuff toxic relationships are made of. It’s also the sort of thing that can cause you to wake up one day and realize you sold yourself short. Instead, put your focus on really liking yourself and believing that the types of guys you like also like you. The more you like yourself

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and believe that you can have what you want, the more likely it is that you actually will. Signs He Likes You For those who want something a little more tangible, here are a few questions to ask to determine if a guy likes you: • Does he start conversations with you? • Does he ask you things that he doesn’t necessarily need to ask you? Questions he could ask anyone… • Does he look at you or check you out? • Does he ever find ways to “accidentally” touch you? • Does he tease you? • Have you ever heard of him asking anyone else about you or bringing you up to someone else? • Does he act differently when he knows you’re around? • Does he ask you a lot of questions? (This is him trying to get to know you better. When we like someone, we can never get enough!) If the answer is yes to any of the above, but you’re still not totally sure where he stands, try initiating contact once or twice. If he doesn’t pick up on it or doesn’t take things a step further, he’s probably not interested and you can move on to someone who is. It is also important to note that guys measure the quality of their relationships by the quality of the time spent with that other person. It's not about the texts or the gifts or the pet names. Women fall into a trap by placing so much value on these things that don’t really mean a thing. Bring your best self to the table, not a self that is shrouded by

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insecurity or pretense, and you will have more meaningful interactions that will invariably have him clicking the like button on you. How To Show Him You Like Him (Without Scaring Him Away) When a guy starts acting a little flakey, women tend to assume one of two things: he’s not that into her or he thinks she’s not that into him. I was rude on the phone so he probably thinks I don’t like him anymore. I told him I couldn’t hang out the last TWO times he asked, he’s never gonna ask me out again because he thinks I don’t like him! Women will find all sorts of reasons to explain a behavior away, preferably ones that preserve their self-esteem (It’s nothing I did, it’s that I didn’t do enough! That’s it!). She may then overcompensate by sending stronger signals to the guy, which ultimately scares him away since he never doubted she was into him to begin with. This fear about doing something that will make him think you don’t like him is baffling because, if anything, you doing something that makes him think you don’t like him will only make him want to pursue you more! Letting someone know that you're interested isn't a turn on, letting them wonder is. If he knows where you stand, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that knowledge will stay on the backburner. If he isn’t quite sure exactly how deep your level of interest goes, he will think about it constantly. Then, he will be the one analyzing the text messages and replaying the last interaction over and over, looking at all the little things you said or did that may indicate you’re into him. It will drive him crazy (in a good way) that he can’t quite pinpoint you and, as a result of all this ruminating, he will come to like you even more. However, there are definitely cases when a girl unintentionally sends “not interested” signals. While most guys won’t be deterred by it, there are insecure guys out there who will. To erase any lingering

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confusion, the following tips will ensure that your signals aren’t getting lost in translation. 1. Smile. A smile is sexy, inviting, and incredibly alluring to guys. It’s really sad these days that magazines, movies and the modeling industry push the idea that looking pissed off is sexy. It’s not. It repels guys in real life. Don’t try to look like some cold and detached model, unless the message you’re trying to send is stay away. This is not sexy and it’s not attractive, so don’t do it! If you don’t believe us, go on hotornot.com or facethejury.com and post two pictures of yourself – one with a straight or “model” stone-face look and one with a nice smile. We guarantee that the smile picture will score much higher. 2. Look your best. Guys respond to it, that’s a no brainer. It’s not to say that guys only care about looks, but it’s a definite factor. Working out will give you a positive glow, inside and out, so try to incorporate that into your life. You will look and feel better – both of which are important. Also, if you put in a little extra effort to look nice, he’ll notice and it will make him feel special. But do it on your terms. Don’t go overboard and don’t wear anything with the sole intention of getting his attention. Wear something that makes you feel confident and sexy (this can be something that doesn’t show any skin at all). Whatever you wear, wear it confidently; there is nothing more awkward than a girl wearing clothes she’s uncomfortable in. 3. Tease him a bit in a fun way if you can make it work with your personality. Teasing is not for everyone, but if you can incorporate it into your demeanor while still coming across as a nice girl, you can usually stir up a guy in a good way. Guys like a little challenge to wake them up – just don’t go overboard. What does good teasing look like? In a nutshell, it’s pushing on areas where you know he’s strong and can take a joke. If he’s good at something, you can tease him about it in a fun way. If he’s bad at something, don’t tease him about it. Simple enough.

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4. Balance your pushes and pulls. It’s a fundamental truth about human nature that we value what we have to work for. In the beginning stages of dating or attracting a man, it can help spark chemistry if you mix signs of interest with signs of not being interested. What’s a good way to do this that feels good to him and inspires him to be interested without being manipulative? Tease a little bit, reward when he pursues you by showing signs of interest back towards him, and don’t put in more effort than he does. That way, if he’s doing exactly what you want, you’re not punishing his “good behavior,” and if he’s not doing what you want, you’re not driving yourself crazy. Again, don’t get carried away with this because it is quite powerful and it will backfire if you go too far. If you do any of these things and he doesn’t respond or react, he’s not interested. Rejection is never fun, but hey, at least this time you didn’t beat yourself up thinking back to all the things you said or did that may have made it seem like you weren’t interested.

HOW TO KNOW IF HE LOVES YOU He loves me…he loves me not. If only the answer could be found by plucking petals off a daisy. Love can cause almost as much confusion as Like. No woman wants to waste her time in a dead-end relationship. Once a relationship gets to a certain point, it’s only natural to wonder if your partner’s feelings have transformed from like to love, but how can you know for sure? Here’s the thing about men: they love through action, not through words, so getting discouraged with what he isn’t saying is a waste of time. Why Guys Say Those Three Little Words The reason guys say “I love you” to a woman is because they know it

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matters to her. Men know that saying it, to some extent, is a demonstration of their commitment. Most men look at what they say as a sort of promise or commitment, even if it’s an emotionally based discussion. So saying what seems like three little words can actually feel like a huge risk, promise, or commitment to a guy. The risk factor also stems from the fact that guys generally do not deal well with the possibility of rejection, especially rejection in a moment of vulnerability. It’s also important to note that love carries different levels of significance for different guys. Some men view it almost as a lifelong commitment to the woman. It doesn’t necessarily mean he has to marry her, but it means that she has a special place in his heart and he will always have special feelings for her no matter how the relationship unfolds. When he says those words, it means that he is promising to be there for her and be good to her and if he is unable to do these things, he will suffer as well. It is a promise to stick with her even if it gets really difficult for him, either because he’s dealing with other burdens in his life or because she’s acting difficult. Other guys may take it a step further, viewing it as a singleminded commitment to a lifelong partnership. In other words, to say they love you is to say that you are “the one.” And then there are guys who view love as a casual thing that can change with the seasons. Love to them means they intensely desire you and want you around…for the time being anyway. There is no set standard for what love is. It can mean different things to men at different points in their life. The majority of men view saying “I love you” as a big deal in terms of their commitment to the relationship. And some men might feel love and love you for a long time before they actually feel ready to

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come out and say it. How Men Show Their Love Short of coming right out and asking, how do you know if your guy has been bitten by the love bug? There are all sorts of conventional images of men showing love through giving gifts—roses, chocolates, stuffed animals, cards, jewelry, but these are not necessarily signs of love. These could very well just be customs he feels obligated to fulfill because he’s in a relationship. There is one gift that is an excellent gauge of his love for you: his time. When a man spends more time with you and less with his family and friends, this is a very clear sign that he loves you. He is choosing to be with you over all of the other things he could be doing and people he could be spending time with. And he’s doing it on his own volition, not because of force, guilt, or manipulation. There are other “gifts” that a man gives to show his love that may be more subtle. When a man stands up for you during a difficult situation, attends functions that are important to you, considers you first when planning his schedule, goes with you to see your family or does little jobs/chores for you, he is demonstrating his love for you. In fact, when a man is doing these things, he figures you know and understand that it means he loves you. Unfortunately, the message does not always come across that way, especially if you fixate solely on hearing that magical four-letter word rather than experiencing what it truly means. One of the most significant “gifts” a man gives is himself. When a man is open, giving, and affectionate with you, it is usually his way of expressing love. When he loves you, he will want to share his life with

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you. He will let you in and share his inner thoughts, feelings, hopes, goals, and all the other privileged files that no one else has access to. One very clear sign that he is letting you in deeply is if he shows you a level of vulnerability. When a man shares his private feelings on a matter that he wouldn’t readily share with others, he is letting you in. When tells you about an emotionally difficult time in his life (past or present), he is letting you in. When he tells you his thoughts and perspectives on things happening in his life, he is letting you in. When he does this, he expects you to understand that he’s sharing himself with you because he loves you and you are special to him. You have been given the highest clearance code into the vault that is his true self and this alone says more than any words can. At least it does to him. Introductions are also a major sign as to where you might stand on the love-barometer (so to speak). When a man introduces you to his closest friends and family, the people he loves the most in the world, it is a very strong indicator that he considers you among them in his heart. He is proud of you and wants to share you with the people he loves the most in the hope that you will fit in among all of them. Lastly, love is in the details. Any man can go out and buy you a dozen roses, a man in love will buy you your favorite flowers, in your favorite color, and he’ll make sure the florist wraps them in that sparkly paper that you love (even though everyone else thinks it’s tacky). He will go to 20 flower shops if he can’t track down the right flower in the right color, even though he knows you’d still be thrilled with plain old roses, because he is that invested in you and he is that committed to making you happy. If he truly loves you, he’ll remember all the details and while it would be nice to hear the words, it isn’t necessary.

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HOW TO KNOW IF HE’S PLAYING YOU AND/OR JUST WANTS SEX It’s no surprise that so many women get paranoid that their guy is just using them considering how forcefully society hammers in the idea that all men are sex-crazed maniacs with only one thing on the brain. It seems that one of the core issues women have is that they assume the guy has some kind of bad intent and then get angry and hysterical about it. The most effective type of woman is one who adopts a set of beliefs about men and relationships that don't have her imagining bad intentions or believing her fears are reality. She doesn’t allow herself to be consumed by paranoia and isn’t on the lookout for signs that prove every bad thing she has heard about men is true. Squash the Fear The fears many women have do come from a real place. The idea that someone could want you only for sex is a scary concept. Nobody wants to feel taken advantage of and have their genuine feelings betrayed so another person can get what they want. If you ask yourself whether or not you’re being used for sex, it will immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears. It’s very important that you ask yourself questions that empower you because it will keep you clear-headed and able to see the situation for what it really is (versus drowning in irrational fears of what it could be). Nobody can do that for you, you have to make the decision to do it on your own and take that responsibility. Men are not the bad guys. At the end of the day, we’re all human. We have desires and we aren’t always able to regulate them. Instead of looking at men like sex-crazed deviants, try to realize that while sex can be an incentive, it isn’t the entire picture and it isn’t his sole

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motivation in pursuing you. It is only when you value yourself as something way beyond a sex object that men will treat you as such. It can be difficult to maintain an objective perspective, especially if you have deeply rooted insecurities or have been burned in the past. However, it’s essential to keep your fears and emotions in check if you want your relationship to survive and thrive. Getting Out of the Physical Zone Oftentimes, a genuine relationship can devolve into a purely physical thing. This is a tricky situation because the guy has essentially scored the perfect deal – he gets the benefits of having a girlfriend (consistent sex) without the obligations (considering the needs of someone other than himself). If his idea of a date has turned into you going over to his place, then you are in the booty call zone. Fortunately, it is possible to move beyond this hazy area and into an actual relationship (if that’s what you want). First, you have to bring in more than just a booty call; you need to bring in a deeper level of interaction and connection. If you can spend quality time together that doesn't involve having sex or you servicing him in some other way, then you've got a shot. Most women botch the booty-call-turned-relationship operation by straight up asking a guy if there’s a chance for a relationship without ever having done anything that resembles a relationship... other than sex and maybe cooking him food. Remember, guys hear actions, not words. If you make an effort to spend more quality time together, then entering into an actual relationship will seem like a natural next step. If you bring it up seemingly out of the blue, then it just sounds like crazy talk to a guy and he will try with all his might to keep things exactly as they are. This may sound selfish, but think about it: why would a guy enter into a relationship if nothing about your interaction resembles a

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relationship other than sex and service? In a guy’s mind, a girlfriend is someone who they love spending quality time with and a relationship is not some quid-pro-quo exchange of sex and food for traditional dinner dates and jewelry. Above all, do not ask him if he’s using you for sex. First, this makes you seem insecure and needy, a confident woman would never assume a guy was just using her. Also, what guy in his right mind would answer yes to that question? “Yup, totally using you for sex. Sorry I wasn’t more clear about that!” Don’t think so. He will respond by assuring you that this isn’t the case, but you will still be dubious which will cause you to seek further assurance and on and on the cycle will go until he ultimately decides to forfeit the game. When to Sleep With a Guy This question can get quite murky. Do you wait the obligatory three dates? Wait until you’re an official couple? Wait until he says or proves he really likes you? Look, we don’t want to preach. If you want to have casual, no strings sex then do your thing (just be safe!). But if you want a real relationship, you need to establish a firm set of standards and a solid connection with the guy before any clothes start coming off. Sex is the ultimate way to connect physically, but before you go there, you need to make sure the relationship has an emotional connection to stand on. Guys do make judgments about a girl based on what it takes to get her to hook up with him. When you give in quickly, he doesn’t think to himself, “Wow, I must really be a stud if she caved so quickly!” He thinks, “Wow, this girl must really get around if she’s willing to have sex so soon. Whatever, I’ll take it!” If you sleep with a guy who has barely shown any interest in you, what makes you think he’s going to put in any additional effort,

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especially if he knows he can get laid regardless? Guys are all about saving energy (call it laziness if you will). If they don’t have to put forth the energy or effort to get sex, they won’t. They will save it for a girl who actually challenges them and will just have sex with you in the meantime. The “But We Didn’t Go All the Way” Defense Let us be clear about something: having a sleepover and giving him a taste of the merchandise without going all the way will not make him see you as pious and pure, he'll see you as a tease. So many girls seem to take comfort in the fact that they didn’t go all the way, thinking they showed the guy that they have restraint and selfrespect. In reality, this is far from the case. It doesn't matter if you only allowed him to round second base or if he dove right into third, there is no innocence and no virtue in dangling the goods in front of him without giving in. He will see right through your act and he will not respect you for withholding sex from him as some sort of twisted way to gain his respect. He may stick around, knowing that after another sleepover or two you'll give it up. Or he'll move on to a girl who either devalues herself enough to do it right away, or one who respects herself enough to wait until he has shown he's invested in her before even entertaining the notion of having sex with him or engaging in any "warm up" activities. If you truly want him to respect you, behave with self-respect and don’t let him have you in any sort of intimate capacity until he proves he deserves it. Sex Is Never a “Bargaining Chip” For whatever reason, society has drummed in this idea of sex being either a dealmaker or deal-breaker in a relationship, especially a budding relationship. There are all kinds of rules about what to do and when to do it, with an entirely different set of standards for men

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and women. As a result of all the confusion, women may feel like they need to hold off on having sex for X amount of time as some sort of way to gain leverage over the guy. When you really think about it, the concept of intentionally withholding sex from a man with the intent of manipulating his emotions to gain an outcome is quite depraved. This might seem ironic since so many people equate “holding out” with being more virtuous or classy and “giving it up quick” as being classless and slutty. Some women may even go so far as to condemn and complain about women who seem to freely give up sex to men and “ruin it for everyone else.” In truth, the fact that sex is so readily available to men is a good thing. Why? To put it bluntly, it forces men and women to find out what truly drives a good relationship independent of the ever-taboo subject of sex. If sex is no longer a rare item for men (which it isn’t these days), then it forces them to look to other factors, deeper and more meaningful factors, when choosing a relationship partner. It forces men to shift their focus off of getting into a girl’s pants and focus on other aspects of a relationship, like communication and experiencing happiness and true partnership as a couple. We do not value what is readily available to us and we wouldn't pay one cent more than the lowest price we can get for something. Sex is readily available; having it isn't enough to make a relationship and withholding it isn't enough to cast some kind of "love spell" on a guy (maybe it worked 100 years ago, but withholding sex until X date is obsolete now, he'll just go somewhere else). Holding off on sex until you establish a deep connection with your partner is one thing. Holding off as a means to gain the upper hand is quite another. Sex is never something that you should withhold or

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dispense in order to gain control. Doing so means that you are devaluing sex as a means to an end. Instead of an ultimate expression and celebration of human connection, it becomes a tool for manipulation and coercion. “But how do I know if he’s invested? He said he likes me, is that enough?” Some guys will say anything, anything to get you to sleep with them. They will promise the sun, the moon, marriage, 10,000 babies, anything you want is yours, now take those clothes off! It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings for you or that sex is the only thing he’s after. So how do you know what’s real and what’s designed to butter you up? Well, start by turning down the volume on the sweet talk and taking a closer look at his actions. This will reveal a whole lot more about where he actually stands. You can usually tell if a guy is invested in you if he’s willing to show some level of vulnerability to you. Maybe he shares something with you that he wouldn’t say to just anyone. Maybe he has a conversation with you that he wouldn’t have with the average person. This kind of openness shows that he values you on a real level and isn’t only in it for the sex. Small talk and banter is not depth; it is a shallow connection that you can have with anyone. The amount of time you should wait varies from one situation to the next. And the whole three-date rule is arbitrary and meaningless, so put that one out of your mind. Some people can establish an intense and meaningful connection on the first date (these people are rare, this is an exception, not the rule!) and some have no genuine connection after five dates, just superficial interactions. You are the only one who can know how he truly feels. This can’t be measured in empty compliments, but rather, in how he treats you and how he shows you that he cares (him saying "I really care about you" doesn't cut it).

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Not everything that comes out of a man's mouth is bull. When his actions reflect the things he says, then he means it! If he tells you he “really cares about you” and he’d do “anything for you,” and then calls you late at night insisting you make the drive over to his place (I’m just so tired baby, I promise I’ll make it worth it), then he has a very loose definition of “anything.” If he tells you he's crazy about you, but then says the reason he hasn't called or made time to see you is because he's been "super swamped at work," he clearly isn't all that crazy, at least not about you. If he was, he would take 30 seconds out of his busy schedule to text you just to let you know he’s thinking about you—it takes less time than a bathroom break! Also, a man is never "too busy with work" or anything else to see you, let's just get this one out of the way. If you care about someone, you make the time, even if it's a quick cup of coffee in the middle of the day. If a guy is telling you he's "too busy" what he's really saying is, "you're not important enough to make time for." When he wants to make time, he does. It’s as simple as that. Above all, do not have sex with him until you feel truly ready and it’s something you want. Don’t do it because he’s pressuring you, don’t do it just to please him, don’t do it because you’re afraid he’ll leave you if you don’t put out, don’t do it because of societal pressure. Having sex for any of those reasons tells him that you’re insecure and needy. A girl who has sex on the first date because she feels a profound connection and truly, genuinely wants to give herself to this man, knowing wholly that he appreciates her on a deep level, is a whole lot more respectable than a woman who puts out on the fifth date solely because her guy is getting antsy. Cheat Sheet Rather than focusing on when to have sex with a guy, consider the following questions:

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• Do I want to (or not want to) have sex with him because of the impact I believe it will have on the relationship, or because of my own level of desire and feeling of connectedness to him? • Do I actually like him as a person? Do I actually enjoy the time we spend together in the here and now? • If I were to sleep with him, would I feel good about it afterwards? • Is he invested in me as a person, beyond mere sexual attraction?

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CHAPTER 4: When a Guy Won’t Put a Label (Or a Ring) On It “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible” - When Harry Met Sally Ahh the great label debate. You can be dating a guy for an extended period of time, you know you like each other, maybe you even love each other, but he just won’t put a label on it. It makes absolutely zero sense to you, so you push the issue to figure out what’s going on. This only makes things worse. Suddenly the entire relationship becomes a tug of war as you struggle to get him to give you a title that you have rightly earned. From here, a deeper problem forms. As soon as you start asking a guy if he cares about you or where the relationship is going or why he won’t call you his girlfriend, you allow him to call all the shots. He knows what kind of commitment you want and it's in his power to decide when and if he's going to give it to you. Things take on a more frustrating shape if he knows that you’ll be there no matter what. When he has this sort of conviction, he won’t have any incentive to lock it down and become official. On the surface this may appear like some kind of cruel bargaining game. The reality is that men have a certain criteria that they expect a woman to meet in order for her to become his girlfriend or wife. Not only do most women make no effort to discover or understand his criteria, they don’t even know it exists! Instead, they just assume that being around for a certain period of time entitles them to receive an official title. If you want the title, you need to understand what makes a man

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inclined to bestow it upon a woman as well as what the title really means to him.

WHEN A GUY WON’T CALL YOU HIS GIRLFRIEND You can't badger a guy into becoming official, be it an exclusive relationship or marriage. If you try to force him into something he isn't ready for, you will either send him packing or cause him to resent you. When a guy refuses to call you his girlfriend after a certain amount of time, it can radically change the dynamic of the relationship. While he pursued you initially, you may find that you are now the one trying to win him over by constantly trying to prove that you are good enough to be his girlfriend. You may cook for him, clean up after him, work around his schedule even when it’s inconvenient for you, and be there whenever he needs you in the hope that doing these things will cause him to realize how great you are and what an amazing girlfriend you will make. This is problematic because: A) Instead of appreciating you, he will take you for granted. B) You will lose sight of whether he is good enough for you. Don’t Ask for It and You Shall Receive It Men can be creatures of contradiction. If you tell him you want a relationship, he will resist with all his might. Tell him you're not looking for anything "serious" and he will do whatever he can to change your mind. Asking him why he won’t call you his girlfriend is a colossal mistake. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you would be. Asking him about it isn’t going to accomplish a thing. He’s not going to say, “Oh wow, I didn’t even think of that! Yeah, we should totally become

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official!” Instead, he’s going to give you some excuse about liking things the way they are, about not being “ready,” about his “fear of getting hurt” because his last relationship ended badly, or something else from the unoriginal excuse arsenal. The correct way to have "the talk" is... don’t. If you're on track for a deep, meaningful connection and relationship, you shouldn't feel the need to have a talk to make it clear. And it shouldn't be a concern that he wouldn't understand. And whatever you do, don't use the phrase: "We need to talk." There is nothing more chillingly awful than a girl using those four words in a sentence. To a man, it translates as: "I (the woman) am going to put you through hell for at least a couple of hours and you are not going to be able to get out of it." When you start getting on his case about the label issue, you are buying him a one-way ticket to the Freak Out Phase. Freak outs often get triggered when a guy feels like he’s losing his freedom and independence. When you pressure him to become your boyfriend, you are no longer the cool chick that he enjoys hanging out with. Instead, he’ll see you as a bounty hunter who is trying to throw his butt in jail and he will do whatever he can to outsmart you in order to keep his freedom. As irrational as it may seem, guys are petrified of being “locked down.” They want a companion who makes them feel like an inspired winner every day, not a prison warden who wants to keep them on lock down. If you maintain your independence and demonstrate that you don’t need him in order to be happy, he won’t be afraid of losing his freedom. Instead, he will view a relationship with you as the beginning of something great, not the end of the wonderful life he once knew. Suggestion: If you absolutely have to bring up the label issue, say something casual like, “You know... for the last month I feel like you've been acting like a boyfriend... am I imagining that?" And listen

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to his answer. If you frame it in this nonchalant way, you'll know where his head is at and it won't be an uncomfortable conversation for either of you. Don’t Act Like His Girlfriend Until You Are His Girlfriend Butterflies flutter away…unless you capture them. In layman’s terms: a guy will hold out on calling you his girlfriend for as long as possible if he knows you aren’t going anywhere. When he senses that you’ll move on unless he takes action, he will be spurred into action like his pants are on fire and will slap that label right on you. He won’t delay even a second when there’s a risk of some other dude sweeping in and snatching you up. When a relationship gets to a certain point, a lot of girls will jump the gun and assume the girlfriend-role before it’s official. To prevent that from happening, remember this: you are not his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend. Doesn’t that make things easier? If you’re giving him all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the commitment, why should he take it to the next level? There is no reward in that for him. It only becomes a reward when you establish yourself as the prize and he feels like the luckiest son-of-a-gun in the world to be your boyfriend. Being official may give you some security, but it isn't ironclad. If you had those fears before, you will continue to have them after and will continue to seek further validation from your partner. What you really need to consider is the quality of the relationship you have with him as well as the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. Do you wake up in the morning loving yourself? Do you love who you are in this relationship? Do you love him for exactly who he is in the relationship? Or, do you feel like you’re chasing him? Like you’re not quite good enough? Like you’re not sure where you stand with him and if his feelings are real?

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Oftentimes, the reasons you want the title are more important than the title itself, so take some time to really consider the answers to those questions. Watch What You Give When you give to a man unconditionally, you make it seem like you have something to prove. He won't see your generosity as a virtue; rather, he will view it as a manifestation of deeper insecurities. We’re not saying don't give a man anything. You should give; giving is great. Giving makes us better people and makes relationships stronger. However, do not give until he shows he deserves and can properly receive. Don't invest heavily in him before he has shown any sort of commitment to you. Don't cook for him, clean for him, surprise him with notes and gifts until he shows you how much he appreciates and adores all that you have to offer. If a man refuses to call you his girlfriend, don't bend over backwards trying to cater to his every whim in the hopes that he'll realize what an awesome girlfriend you'll make, this strategy never ever works. The rules of giving can apply to all stages of relationships, but it's especially important in the early stages. When you first get involved with someone, it's best to stay as objective as possible. Blame it on infatuation, emotions, or hormones, but the beginning of a relationship can consume you with some intense feelings that prevent you from seeing the other person clearly. Giving will only make the problem worse, causing you to fall deeper in lust and clouding your vision so that you can't see him for who he really is. Being selective with what you give in the beginning will also give you a better sense of the guy you're dealing with. A truly decent guy who cares about you will recognize and appreciate anything you give to him and will happily reciprocate. A jerk will just keep on taking as long as you keep on giving.

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Rather than spending your relationship wondering what you can do to show him how amazing you are, keep this question at the forefront: Is he good enough for me?” Remember, we will always value that which we invest in, so pull back and let him work to win you over. Wouldn’t that be a whole lot nicer than waiting in the wings for him to decide if you’re worthy of being his girlfriend? The Difference Between Wanting a Boyfriend and Needing One There is a big difference between wanting a boyfriend and needing a boyfriend. When you feel an ache deep inside and long for a boyfriend—or even just a guy to hook up with—it’s a symptom of a larger issue. This type of longing is usually a symptom of some deeper insecurity or feeling of incompleteness. Any negative feelings you may have—be it insecurities about your appearance, dissatisfaction with your job, uncertainty about the future—may incite a yearning for someone else to be there and reassure you that you are beautiful, that you are worth it, and that everything will be okay. Guys are acutely in tune with your state of mind and no man wants to be in charge of your self-esteem, that’s just exhausting (not to mention impossible to satisfy for another person). The real reason guys resist becoming official early on isn't because they're "commitment-phobes." A guy will happily become official with a woman who truly wants and desires him. The hesitation comes when he feels like he's just filling a slot, one that could be filled by any other guy out there. He wants to feel like you chose him because of how amazing, unique, and irresistible he is, not because you need a boyfriend in order to feel good about yourself and any man with a pulse will do. The best possible attitude is one that says you'd be happy with or

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without a guy. When you come from this place, he knows that you want him for who he is, not because you see him as a means to sweet relief from your inner suffering. What it Looks Like…In Reverse Danielle had been seeing Tom for a few weeks and couldn’t shake her feelings of uneasiness with the situation. On the day they met, he confessed that he has never had a real girlfriend before and made it clear that he was looking for something serious. She didn't think much of it until he aggressively started trying to become "official." Danielle definitely liked him and saw potential, but they were still only getting to know each other. Tom said he really liked her, that he never felt that way about a girl before, that she was the kind of girl he could see himself marrying, but Danielle was dubious. It’s not that she didn't believe she was a catch, she just didn't believe Tom could possibly know her on a deep enough level to have those kinds of feelings. He showered her with superficial compliments (“You’re so beautiful/smart/funny/amazing”), which only convinced her that he didn’t really see her. He didn’t even seem to care about getting to know her or finding out who she was deep down, he only cared about securing that title. Danielle wasn’t flattered by Tom’s persistence, knowing it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with some lingering chip on his shoulder. She didn’t want to be the girl to fill that void for him so she ended it. Tom had a new girlfriend two weeks later. When He Says He “Doesn’t Want A Relationship Right Now” (But Keeps Acting Like He’s Your Boyfriend) We stress the importance of looking at a guy’s actions rather than his words. While this holds true in most regards, the exception is when he tells you he “doesn’t want a relationship.” When he says this, believe him!

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Most women fixate on the tiny slivers of hope that their guy offers. It could be something considerate he did, a sweet compliment, an extra dose of affection, anything to maintain the belief that he will want an exclusive relationship…eventually. When things continue to stagnate, many will turn inward and start wondering what they’re doing wrong (Was I too needy? Too unavailable? Too nice? Too mean?) We get so, so many versions of this type of scenario: Dear Sabrina and Eric, I’ve been seeing this guy for a while and things have been great. I finally decided it was time to have “The Talk” and he basically said he wasn’t ready to be in a full-blown relationship. However, he still calls and texts me every day. And when we hang out, he’s really sweet and affectionate and calls me baby and stuff. I don’t get it, why are boys so confusing? Ladies, he isn’t telling you he doesn’t want a relationship because he thinks it’s funny to toy with your emotions or because he’s trying to test you. It isn’t code for something else; it isn’t due to bad timing. It is the result of him genuinely not wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Why is he still calling and texting? Because he’s lonely and you’re available when he wants you. Don’t worry; he’ll stop confusing you with the phone calls and the affectionate pet names as soon as he finds a woman he does want to be in a relationship with. And when he finds this woman, an amazing thing will happen. All of his issues will suddenly melt away and he’ll suddenly be “ready for a relationship.” So what do you do if he hits you with this impossible-to-swallow statement? Let's look at an example of a woman who isn't needy and sees herself as the prize:

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Guy: "I like you, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship." Girl: "That's fine, I'll keep my options open then." (And without being upset or whining or taking it personally, she continues to keep her options open...) The sub-text: "I know I'm desirable, I know you want me and if you don’t want to risk losing me to another guy, you need to make this official." If this kind of impressive laissez-faire attitude doesn’t spur him into action, then he simply doesn’t want a relationship with you and you won’t have to worry about wasting any more of your time. He said he does not want a relationship (again, the reason doesn’t matter) and if that belief is going to change at all, it will change if he senses that he could lose you to someone else. If you’re content being his “nongirlfriend, girlfriend” then that’s fine too. It all comes down to what will make you feel fulfilled and happy. You deserve to have the relationship you want, so don’t settle for one that falls short of that just because you don’t think you can do any better or because you’ve convinced yourself that one day he’ll see the light and things will be different. It’s a tragic trap to fall into and you’re worth more than that. Most women are absolutely terrified of backing off for fear of losing the guy. We’re going to make this a whole lot easier on you. If he truly cares, he’ll come after you, no exceptions. If he doesn’t come after you, then he never cared all that much to begin with and you just saved yourself many months, or years, of being with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. When you accept it and move on, you get all the benefits and skip all the heartache. You'll either get him back (and he'll stay, realizing that he needs to keep you happy or you'll go elsewhere), or he'll let you go, freeing you up to find someone more worthy of your time.

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The Pains of Premature Exclusivity We see this scenario play out over and over again. A girl starts dating a guy and likes him so much right from the start that she can't even conceive of dating anyone else (as Carrie Bradshaw put it, it would be like shoving another item into an already overstuffed suitcase). While this is all nice and romantic, it's a breeding ground for neediness to emerge because you’re placing all of your hopes on this one guy. Remember, you are not his girlfriend until you are his girlfriend, so stop acting like it prematurely and learn how to bask in the glory of being a free agent. Women are such amazing multi-taskers except when it comes to dating. When they meet a guy they really like, they become exclusive far too soon. Fine, you may really, really like this guy, but if you’re not in an exclusive relationship then don’t give him the benefits of exclusivity. This will only hurt you in the end and can seriously damage your chances of ever becoming official. If you play the girlfriend part before you’ve officially been cast in the role then you are, as they say, letting him have his cake and eat it too. He gets all the benefits of a relationship without the pressure. He may not be going out and dating other women, but he will hang onto the fact that he could for as long as he can. So take the same approach! Don’t make him your end-all-be-all. Until he locks it down, he’s just one of many options for you. Don’t take down your online dating profile, don’t reject any other prospective suitors who come your way, don’t invest in him any more than he has invested in you. Go on and enjoy the freedom of seeing what else is out there while you have that luxury (Note: You won’t have it for very long when you take this approach, so use that time wisely!). You don't even need to say a word to him, he will feel that energy from you and it will compel him to lock it down ASAP!

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Warning: Do not go out on dates solely to rub it in his face. If you are still exploring your options, he will be able to sense it (we don’t know how it works, it just does). Don’t go out of your way to tell him about any other guys you’re dating or talking to, it will just make you seem immature and spiteful and he definitely won’t appreciate you trying to get a rise out of him. Date around on your own time. Whether he knows about it or not doesn’t matter. The reason you’re dating other guys isn’t to expedite the labeling process, it’s because you are a single girl and that is what single girls do! What It Looks Like Melanie was an online dating pro who went on dates with different guys almost every night of the week. However, when she found a guy who seemed like a keeper, she would usually cancel on any other prospective suitors. Her pattern was that she'd date a guy for a few months, the relationship would end for one reason or another, she’d go back to the drawing board and line up a bunch of new dates, find a keeper, cancel the rest, repeat, repeat, repeat. Melanie eventually realized she wasn't making a very effective use of her time with this one-guy-at-a- time attitude, so when she met and felt an instant attraction to Josh, she forced herself to continue dating Chris, another fine candidate with a bit less boyfriend potential. While she spent most of her time with Josh, she would still hang out with Chris here and there, as pointless as it seemed. True to form, things with Josh soon fell apart. And then there was one. Even though she was still a little iffy about Chris, she decided to give him one more chance before pulling the plug. On what was supposed to be their final date, everything changed. All of a sudden, Melanie saw all these great qualities that she had completely overlooked when she was so busy comparing him to Josh. She noticed how effortlessly the conversation flowed and how comfortable and relaxed she felt with Chris, a strong contrast to how uneasy and

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unsure she used to feel with Josh. And just like that, a new couple was formed. Without even realizing it, Melanie played her cards perfectly. By keeping Chris at arms length for almost a month, he grew to like her more and more and felt like the happiest guy in the world when she finally came around (though he never found out why it took her so long). The moral of the story: it’s far too easy to fall for the wrong guy, so keep your options open because true love may be staring you in the face. Cheat Sheet If you want an exclusive relationship, you'll want to do the following: - Make sure that you're enjoying your life and are fulfilled by it just as it is. Don’t think having a boyfriend is the missing ingredient that will suddenly make you feel “whole.” - Make sure that the time you spend with him reaches him deeply as a person. This doesn’t mean sex or kisses or cuddles or even “relationship activities” like dinners and dates. It’s about connecting on a level that goes beyond the superficial and into a real place that you can both feel. - Don’t ask him “What are we?” “Where is this going” “Is there a future?” When you ask him these things, you relinquish all control. The ball is in his court and the terms of the relationship are his to dictate (and he will probably keep them as loosely defined as possible). - Be a prize to be won. Fishing wouldn't be an accomplishment for men if the fish swam up to the boat and said, "You can feed me whatever you want, just please catch me!!" Remember that you’re the prize that he has to win over and stop trying to be what you think he

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wants. - Keep your dating options open. Most relationship problems seem to magically disappear when a man thinks you might be off the market soon. If he hasn’t slapped a title on it, you’re a free agent. Dating other guys will also prevent you from obsessing and putting all your hope into that one guy.

WHEN HE WON’T COMMIT ON FACEBOOK We truly live in the era of Love 2.0. After you and your guy become "official," the next question is often when to take the relationship digital. What's the point of finding love and happiness if you can't rub it in the faces of everyone in your network?! Kidding, kidding. But in truth, becoming official on Facebook comes with its own unique set of hurdles. Before you come at your guy with compelling arguments as to why he’s being stubborn and irrational (It’s not a big deal, it’s just Facebook! Everyone knows we’re dating anyway!), and start questioning whether his feelings for you are real, take one giant step back and look at the situation from a more objective angle. Oftentimes, it’s not really about the Facebook status at all. What does the Status Really Mean to You? At a deeper level, there are probably a couple of things going on. The first is his commitment to you. If he’s referring to you as his girlfriend, he’s into you and he is committed to you (as we discussed in the previous section, acquiring this label isn’t always an easy feat!). He likes you, he wants you, and that’s all the commitment you should want or expect. Focus on the fact that you have something special rather than on what it means that he wants to keep it out of the public eye.

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Second, it’s about public acknowledgment. You want that status up there so it’s official, so to speak. So that everyone who knows you knows you’re with him and everyone who knows him knows he’s with you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your happiness, unless it’s coming from a place of wanting to prove something (Look world! I have a hot boyfriend! See how great I am? Hint hint, nudge nudge at all your ex boyfriends). Or, it may be stemming from a place of insecurity and a need to mark your territory and send a “Stay Away” message to his ex girlfriends and any other girls out there who may be interested in him. Maybe He’s Just a Private Guy… Everyone is different. Some people are just private and uncomfortable with documenting every spec of their lives via social media. Just because it’s the norm these days doesn’t mean everyone is comfortable with it. If your guy doesn’t really update his status, or if he has a barren Facebook profile, that could very well be the reason. When you become official on Facebook, not only does the world know when the relationship begins… they will also know when/if it ends. In the real world, you may call up a few close friends after a breakup. In the digital world, you have all these people you hardly know offering their condolences, asking what happened, and giving you unsolicited pep talks (Yeah girl! You’re better off without him!). Some guys may feel uncomfortable letting so many people in on their private lives. Most of the time, it really is as simple as that. How to Deal It is a much smarter strategy all around to wait until things are really official before you go digital. Official in that this relationship isn’t ending anytime soon. Eventually, the relationship will move into a more stable, mature place. Guys know this and usually when it enters that stage, the stage where it’s so obvious you’re his girlfriend you’d

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see it from space, he will update his status. Again, let it happen naturally. Don’t force, manipulate, beg, or cajole. Trying to get your way using force will just send him into freakout mode and will make you look needy. Instead, focus on enjoying the relationship for exactly what it is in real life. When your relationship is so strong, amazing, and fulfilling on both ends, he’ll want to tell the world that you’re his. He’ll want to shout it from the rooftops. So focus on being the kind of woman who can be in a wonderful relationship and sit back while everything else falls into place.

WHEN HE ISN’T PROPOSING There comes a certain point in a relationship when you have to wonder…is this for now or is it forever? The answers when it comes to marriage questions fall along the same lines as the exclusivity questions, only this decision obviously carries more weight. The stakes are much higher; he needs to be absolutely sure he wants you to be the last stop on the train. Why Guys Get Married Generally speaking, guys don’t care whether or not there’s a legal document that says you’re married. In many cases, a guy gets married for you. Most men have heard enough horror stories to know that tying the knot isn’t going to make a woman any less likely to cheat or leave, so there’s a general attitude that it’s not to a man’s advantage to risk half of his income on the chance that everything works out. (Yes, we do realize that there are many cases where the woman makes more money than the man. However, we are conveying a common fear and mindset of men, not a socio-political reality. The truth of the matter is

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that there is widespread cynicism about marriage and this is especially rampant in the male population.) Most men usually have one or more the following criteria for marriage: • When he’s ready to start a family. • When he and his partner have been together so long that he couldn’t imagine life without her there. • When it really wouldn’t matter if they were married or not because it was clear neither person will leave. • When he knows it has to happen at some point to keep you. That is, in the back of his mind, he knows that if he doesn’t eventually tie the knot, you’ll leave him for someone who will. • When he gets to a certain age or stage of life where getting married is the thing you’re supposed to do. • He realizes he needs her to be a better man and live a better life. Why Guys Resist Marriage Want to know the real reason men are so resistant to marriage? Put bluntly, it goes against their nature. Men hate being locked down. They hate rules, they hate taking directions, they hate restrictions, they hate feeling confined. A man wants to feel like he can do whatever he wants, even if he doesn't necessarily want to go out and do whatever. Men are a lot more abstract than women; all they see is a world of possibility and potential. If a woman emasculates him and chips away at his feeling of power and potential, he will never want to marry her (and if he already married her, he will invariably leave or suck it up and endure a life of misery). Unfortunately, nagging and emasculation are portrayed on TV as funny sitcom marriages. But Everybody Love

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Raymond ain’t real life; a guy wouldn’t be able to stand that kind of relationship for more than a few months without breaking something, cheating, or outright leaving. Men love generating new ideas, but hate the actual process of taking that idea and turning it into life. A woman’s strength is her appreciation for the process. Men are oriented toward achievement and winning; women are much more focused on bonding and relationships. While these differences are at the root of most relationship issues, they are also the elements that can radically transform two people for the better (assuming those people are in a healthy, harmonious relationship). Men hate being held back, they don't want to be limited by time and space. This is the reason why men bring the bare minimum with them when they leave the house and will not carry one extra item above what is absolutely necessary (this usually narrows it down to their phone and wallet). Women, on the other hand, bring a whole survivor's kit in their oversized handbags when they go anywhere. This concept also explains why men are so into gadgets. Men love the idea of gadgets that have the potential to do anything. There is nothing a man loves more than a tiny item with the potential to do a million different things at once, even if he will never actually need that potential. He’ll buy an iPhone because of the possibility of having hundreds of thousands of apps, and in reality, will maybe use two at most. He’ll get a Swiss Army Knife, even though the only real survival gear he needs is his Starbucks Card. Now let’s take these ideas and look at marriage. Men hate being tied down, and given the restrictive nature of marriage, it's only natural for a man to be very resistant to the idea. The men who are open to marriage are the ones who realize that having unlimited potential is meaningless unless it can be expressed into something greater. They also acknowledge that being in a deep, meaningful relationship will help them get there. The man’s view of sacrificing a lifetime of unrestricted possibilities can be viewed with resistance or welcome departure. The choice is

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similar to choosing a healthy lifestyle; sure you could sit around all day without exercising and eating junk food, but you’d end up overweight, lethargic, and probably grow to resent your own recklessness. In that same way, a man will only get married if he is more drawn towards the new lifestyle (of legally-bound devotion) versus his former bachelor life (of infinite possibilities for recklessness.) Men are rational creatures and when they can look at their life and see that it’s clearly better when you’re there than when you’re not, then the choice makes sense (assuming that you continue to be as you are now during the marriage). Realizing he needs a woman to have a better life, and being open to the idea of marriage, are only part of the equation though. A man also has to be with the right girl. The right girl for a man is usually the one who can help him actualize his potential, the one who sees his strengths and brings out his best self. Reasons He Won’t Let Go of the Resistance The reason some men may drag relationships out for years and years, even though they truly love and care for their partners, is simply because she is the wrong match and can't get him to that powerful place. This may not even be a conscious choice; it can be a small tug of resistance from deep inside that keeps him from ever popping the question, buying the ring, setting the date, or whatever he’s doing to drag things out. A guy will absolutely marry a girl when her presence in his life (and the way she inspires him) transcends the bachelor experience. In the right relationship, a guy recognizes that being with this girl will lead to a better life than if he was single and had all his "freedom." It's a sacrifice, but a man will give up some freedom for something much greater to him. It varies from man to man in how it's expressed, but ultimately it always boils down to him feeling like more of a winner in the world with her than without her. If a relationship isn’t bringing him to a higher place, then there is not much of an incentive

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for him to lock himself into the situation for the long haul. There are also men out there who want to remain perpetual bachelors. Some of these guys might not be in a place in their lives where they value being in a relationship and may need time to realize that a meaningful relationship can offer significantly more than a string of one-night stands. Other guys might prefer to stay in bachelor-ville because it's safer there. Believe it or not, men also have fears when it comes to relationships. And men are a lot more hesitant to invest in something that can easily fall apart (we all know what the divorce rates are these days). If you think women take breakups bad, you may be surprised to know that it's more often men that commit suicide after a breakup or divorce. Men are also more likely than women to suffer from depression when a relationship falls apart. Men are very protective of their relationships and are much more likely than woman to proceed with caution due to the immense potential risks. The More Your Push Him, The More He’ll Pull Away We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again (and again and again and again). The more you pester a guy, the more you will drive him away. While we take issue with the romantic comedy genre for so radically distorting the way women see love and expect men to behave, we have to hand it to the film He’s Just Not That Into You for hitting the nail on the head with one storyline in particular. The Jen Aniston and Ben Affleck situation was pretty dead on (and actually, it completely negates the message of the book it was based upon, which claims if he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s just not that into you, but whatever!). In the film, Beth (Aniston) hits a breaking point with Neil (Affleck), her boyfriend of seven years who “doesn’t believe in marriage.” She

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tries reasoning with him by pointing out all the ways his logic is flawed, but the more she persists, the more he resists until she ultimately pulls the plug on the relationship. A bunch of other stuff happens and eventually, she is able to accept Neil for who he is and accept the relationship just as it is, letting go of her need for him to propose in order to validate what they shared. As soon as she was able to accept and appreciate the relationship for what it was, Neil wanted to lock it down. It was only when she no longer needed him to propose that he was able to realize he wanted to take it to that level. This scenario pretty much encapsulates everything we’ve been saying. Forcing a ring out of a guy won’t work out well. Aside from him probably feeling insulted by the gesture, can you imagine if he did go for it? Every time you have an argument he would think back to how he felt coerced into marriage and pressured by you and he may come to resent you for trapping him. Marriage is a huge commitment for him and for you. If you get impatient, it’s going to hinder your ability to be empathic and understanding towards him. If you don’t respect his hesitations and reservations, you can’t expect him to respect where you’re coming from. If your patience is running thin, you should definitely address the issue with him. But before you do, try to get clear on how you feel and what you will do if you don’t get the response you want. If he says he doesn't want kids or marriage in his future, what will you truly be willing to do? Accept it? End the relationship and move on? First, decide your absolute bottom line. If you waver in your convictions, he will think that you don’t really know what you want and he can give you an answer to kill time such as, “Oh yeah, I plan on marrying you one day, I just need more time.” If you come into the situation knowing exactly where you stand you will be in a position to

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act with a clear mind, not one shrouded in strong emotions. Being open and honest about what you’re feeling is totally fine, just make sure you are coming from a place of love and understanding, not one of frustration and impatience. When he explains his thoughts and feelings on the matter, be willing to listen with an open mind and an understanding heart, even if he doesn’t give you the answer you want to hear. How to Deal The solution to the marriage question is the same as the solution to all other relationship issues: be your best self. A guy needs a tangible incentive if he is going to get married. It’s the same idea we learned in the section on being official, if you are already acting like his wife (this is usually the case with couples who live together), then where is his incentive to take things further? He needs to be able to see the benefits of committing to a life with you otherwise he's just putting an unnecessary restriction on himself and, as we learned, no man will ever willingly do that. When you are at your best, you will naturally bring out his best. When you are in a good place emotionally, you will be able to help him actualize his potential and will be better able to encourage him and motivate him to achieve his goals and find greater fulfillment in his life. Try and tune in to what makes him feel like he’s on top, like he’s winning in the game called life. There's a lot to be said for recognizing a man's deep aspirations in life. There are two problems with this, though. The first is not every man can clearly articulate his aspirations; he'll know when she's hitting the right spot, but he may not have the self-awareness to outright tell her what that spot is. Second, the woman might be so fixated on her own experience, her own wants, and her own issues that she is unable to look into him deeply enough to perceive that part of him and see what he really wants out of life.

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Again, it comes down to being in a good place internally. When you don’t need him, you will be able to see him for who he is more clearly and as a result, be better able to help him become the man he wants to be. When a woman can help a man reach his potential, he will be devoted to her for life.

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CHAPTER 5: Dealing With A Guy With Baggage “Love is giving people the freedom to be the way they are, not trying to make them the way you want.” – Anonymous Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, emotional baggage—call it what you want, it comes in many different forms and causes a great amount of confusion and turmoil. When a guy is going through a rough time emotionally (either because he lost his job, just got out of a difficult relationship, is struggling with depression, and so on) it can pose a huge threat to your emotional state. You know he's having a hard time, and you understand that the reasons are valid, but how much of yourself do you sacrifice in order to help him get through it? He tells you he cares about you and that he wants to be with you, but he just "can't right now." So you wait. But how long are you supposed to wait? How do you know if he's ever going to get his act together? And what if he does finally get a handle on his issues and makes himself “whole” again… only to drop you for someone shiny and new?

DEALING WITH A GUY WHO LOST HIS JOB When guys go through major life changes, they need time to regroup and sort out their new circumstances. Guys don't like to show up to a relationship unless they know they're on top of their game and feel like a “winner.” When guys don't feel like they’re on top of their game, they want to hide away from the world and from their relationships. Losing a job

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can be absolutely crushing to a guy and it may make him feel like a worthless loser. Never underestimate the power of a man’s job to affect the rest of his life. There’s something deeply psychologically ingrained in men that causes them to feel utterly dejected when there are problems with their careers. One of the major ways that men gauge their own attractiveness is through their ability to affect the world in the way that they intend. Men live in the world of wins and losses, victories and defeats. So how do you deal when your man is grapping with a major defeat? Keep the Coddling Under Control The worst thing a woman can do in this sort of situation is try to comfort and coddle him with well-intentioned pep talks. This will just exacerbate the problem because the guy will think: "only a loser would need to be comforted." The heart of the problem for the man is not that he “feels bad.” The problem is that he believes he is losing in the game of life. Most men only want to be seen when they feel like winners. When a guy doesn’t feel like he’s “winning,” he will want to be alone or go through his own process to regroup and figure out how he can become the winner again. This is difficult for most women to understand because when a woman is upset, the first thing she wants to do is talk about it with her friends or significant other. Men don’t operate that way. They don’t find clarity through bonding; they find it through retreating to their inner world. Ever notice that when you're trying to solve some sort of problem and you sit and try to force a solution you don't get anywhere? Then when you take a step back and start doing something else, the solution just comes to you? (This is probably why so many people get their best ideas in the shower). It's pretty much the same concept here; you can't force things to happen. Men are very solution-

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oriented. If a man has an issue, he will try to find the resolution as swiftly as possible. Talking about things only drags this out unnecessarily, at least in a man’s mind. Instead of trying to fix him or his emotional state, give him the space to work his issues out on his own. If he does come to you, let him speak freely. He doesn't want you to comfort or help him; he just wants you to understand where he is coming from. Listen and acknowledge. You can let him know that you're there for him and if he wants anything he can ask, but he will refuse regardless, so the main point is to just listen…if he comes to you. You can’t force him to open up. Asking him, “Why won’t you talk about it with me?” will only push him further away and cause him to feel more stressed. Men don’t want to feel coddled or pitied for their loss. It’s a sickening feeling for a guy to think that his girl is loving him because she has to, when deep down she is disappointed in him or thinks he’s a loser in the world (most guys will think that way even if that’s not what’s really going on). How You Can Help The best thing you can do is try to make him feel like a winner. Focus on everything you admire about him. Focus on his best qualities and the things that other people don't appreciate or notice about him. See him as the guy he wants to be seen as by others (even if he doesn't think he is that guy at the moment). Just make sure you come from a genuine place, not from a place of trying to cheer him up. This is a process and things will only get better if he works on getting back on top of his game. If he feels like a winner when he's around you, he'll be way more likely to rise up and get his act together in order to keep you around. It is an almost universal truth that when a guy is stressed about his career, his relationship will also become a source of stress. The main

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cause of that stress is that he’ll feel like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship. In a guy’s mind, his ultimate contribution to the relationship is being the winner and the hero. Nothing stings a guy harder than feeling like a failure. What can you do? Don’t add fuel to the fire and stress him out further. Even if you are being supportive, sometimes "support" can add stress if he thinks you feel like there's a relationship problem that needs to be solved. If you can give him space and focus on making your life as happy and fulfilling as possible, it will go a long way towards things improving down the line. When he sees that you are not suffering or unhappy, it will alleviate any pressure he feels as well as fears that he is letting you down, which will ultimately help him clear his mind and get back on his feet. When He Loses His Job and Also Loses Interest In Sex… Women are lead to believe that men always want sex, always. Every minute of every day, it’s all they want! So when a man isn’t interested in having sex, the woman panics and assumes it means he is no longer attracted to her and the relationship is doomed. When a guy loses his job, he can’t help but feel like a loser. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t like the job all that much to begin with, or if he realizes that he didn’t deserve to lose his job and there was nothing he could have done differently. In this situation, it is very likely he will start questioning his own general sense of potency (that is, his ability to have an impact in the world) and his own sense of deservingness. As a result, he may feel like a worthless loser on the inside. As a worthless loser, he probably feels like he doesn’t deserve love, affection, a relationship, or sex from a good woman like you. If this happens, try your best to just leave it alone and give him space. And do not try and bring this one up. If you ask him why he

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doesn’t want to sleep with you anymore he will see it as you pointing out another failure for him to add to his list and he will retreat further. Countless studies have shown that emotional stress is a frequent cause of decreased testosterone levels in men. Questioning him about his lagging libido will only add to his stress level and exacerbate the problem. Instead, try to make your time with him as stress-free as possible. Remember, this has nothing to do with you, or how attractive you are. It’s all him and how he sees himself; it has nothing to do with how he sees you. Just remind yourself of this one over and over when your frustrations and insecurities start to boil over.

DATING A GUY ON THE REBOUND Rebound relationships have a really bad reputation even though their success or failure usually depends on the same factors as regular relationships. There are situations where rebound relationships fail and situations where they succeed. This isn’t based on luck of the draw; it’s based on how you approach the relationship and how he deals with his breakup. Let’s look at two cases of rebound relationships that demonstrate how these things can unfold: Situation 1 Sarah started dating Greg a few weeks after he ended a six-year relationship. Things got off to a pretty smooth and effortless start. They went out on fun and exciting dates, they spoke on the phone frequently, and they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. Sarah never suspected she was a rebound, and she had no reason to. Who takes a rebound out on fancy dates? Clearly, this was the real deal

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and they would be an official couple any minute now. Greg, on the other hand, went into panic mode when they hit the two-month mark, knowing his grace period was almost over and he would soon have to, as they say, poop or get off the pot. They were definitely headed in the “official” direction and once he felt that pressure, he panicked and realized he wasn’t ready for another girlfriend, especially since he still wasn’t over his last one. One night, out of the blue, Greg showed up at Sarah’s place and dumped her. The poor girl never saw it coming and had no idea what she could have done differently. Sarah knew Greg was on the mend when they met so she let him set the pace for the relationship, which often meant they were seeing each other almost every night of the week. While Sarah was aware things were moving quickly, she assumed it was because Greg really cared about her and wanted to be with her. Greg did care about Sarah, but what he really wanted and needed was time to heal. He wanted to date around and keep things light and casual. He didn’t mean to lead Sarah on by treating her like she was his girlfriend, he was just so used to being that way. He had been the “boyfriend guy” for so long that he completely forgot how to be the “single guy.” Greg felt a familiar comfort with Sarah, but it wasn’t because he had developed profound feelings for her, it was because he missed having a girlfriend and was used to acting like a boyfriend. Being alone was scary and unfamiliar for him. Having Sarah around made it easy to slip back into his comfort zone instead of dealing with his hurt and pain. Situation 2 Jessica met Mike two months after ending a four-year relationship. Coincidentally, Mike had ended a two-year relationship at around the

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same time. Both of them had gone through pretty civilized breakups where they gained firm understandings of what they wanted in a significant other (brought on by being with people who they loved, but knew they couldn’t be with). Neither of them expected to be in new relationships anytime soon, so they casually started dating without any hopes, dreams, or expectations. Before they knew it, they started seriously dating and within a year they had moved in together. The reason things were able to flourish is they didn’t bring residual baggage into the relationship. While they weren’t single for very long, they were each able to make peace with their respective breakups before getting back in the ring for another round. Mike explained that his previous girlfriend helped him realize what he didn’t want, which made him better able to recognize what he did truly want when he found it in Jessica. He wasn’t filling a void or looking for a replacement. He found someone with all the qualities that he knew he wanted, and even though he didn’t get to live it up as a single guy for long, he didn’t care because he felt no amount of random hookups could ever compare to what he had with her. Jessica was coming from the exact same place. To everyone’s surprise, this double rebound turned into a really happy, mutually fulfilling relationship.

The Rebound Rules Now that we’ve seen how these situations can unfold, let’s examine two fundamental rules in making a rebound relationship work. Rule #1: Give Him Time to Heal…On His Own When a guy who just got out of a relationship immediately starts acting like your boyfriend, warning bells should go off. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you, but he may just be falling into familiar habits, or trying to keep himself distracted so he doesn’t have to deal with

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the residual pain from his last relationship. If he keeps lining up one date after the next, or acts overly affectionate and loving at the beginning, it’s on you to take a step back and slow down the pace. There is a very real possibility that things can get more serious down the line, but it can’t happen right away. If he acts like your boyfriend from day one, chances are he just misses having a girlfriend. While it’s much more beneficial to the psyche to assume the reason he’s acting that way is because he likes you so much, it’s unlikely. Unfortunately, when a man runs away from dealing with his emotions, his emotions will catch up to him and he’ll be forced to confront them. A man’s emotional state must be healed, not covered with a band-aid, before he can enter into a new relationship. It’s up to the guy to work out his issues; there’s no shortcut to this for him or for you. If you dive right in when his wounds are still open and raw, you run several risks: 1. You risk being a distraction so he can avoid dealing with his emotions (which will eventually boil over). Instead of working things out in his mind and making peace with the breakup, he will retreat and avoid thinking about anything unpleasant (like his hurt and pain). This won’t change the fact that there are unresolved issues swirling around and they will continue to resurface no matter how hard he tries to push them aside. As long as you are in the relationship with him, he will be able to distract himself from dealing with the things he really needs to be dealing with. 2. You risk him running back to his ex. When a guy hasn’t had a decent amount of time to work out his issues, it’s very likely that he will go back to the ex-girlfriend for one reason or another. The main reason is that while he has been distracting himself with a new relationship, the unresolved stuff has been eating away at him. Since

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he can’t bring those issues up with you, he might reach out to the ex in hopes of getting some inner-resolution. And that’s a slippery slope… 3. You risk turning into his scapegoat, quasi-therapist, or shoulder-to-cry-on. If a guy seems really broken up over his last relationship, it isn’t your job to nurse him back to health. The best thing to do is stand back (far back) and let him work it out on his own. If you dive right in before he has had the chance to fully deal with his issues, he will either drop you suddenly and unexpectedly, or he will drag you along on a confusing roller-coaster of relationship drama. Rule #2 Don’t Think of Yourself as a “Rebound” Dating a man who just got out of a serious relationship can cause problems from the start if the girl enters into the situation worrying that she is just going to be his “rebound.” This is not a healthy mindset for obvious reasons and can cast a dark cloud over the relationship from the beginning. In these cases, you may feel the need to protect yourself by being on constant red alert for any indication that he’s not over his ex, or that he’s just using you. In your state of paranoia, you may look to the guy for reassurance, even though you won’t really believe anything he tells you because even if you were just a rebound, and even if he was still in love with his ex, he wouldn’t admit it to your face. The more you try to get him to prove he cares, the more needy you will become and it’s all downhill from there. It’s important to realize that the reason you need this assurance isn’t because he is fresh out of a relationship (that’s just a convenient scapegoat), it’s because there is a lack of trust in the relationship as well as deeply rooted insecurities within yourself. When you allow these fears to fester, it will only be a matter of time before they prove true and he ends things. You may feel validated because things turned out exactly the way you knew they would, but in reality, it was

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your own fears that most likely caused the relationship to implode. A healthy way to approach this type of situation is to accept that he is getting out of a relationship and he may need time to heal (this will prevent you from being blindsided when he eventually realizes he needs time to heal), without taking it personally and getting hung up on the fact that—gasp—he once cared for a woman that wasn’t you. Remember, a successful rebound relationship is possible, but only if you come into the situation without any demands, delusions, or insecurities. How to Deal If you can manage to step back gracefully and give him lots of space to really, truly work out his unresolved issues, you might be able to start with a virtually clean slate after a month or two. You can still date, just keep it casual with no pressure or expectations. It will take a lot of patience and discipline, especially if it’s a guy you really like, but it will be much better than being in a relationship where you’re constantly competing with the ghost of an ex. Women have a natural inclination to nurture and provide love and support, which can be a very beautiful thing. However, if you allow yourself to get wrapped up in whatever problems he’s having, you can lose a significant part of yourself and may no longer be able to see the relationship clearly. The more we give to someone else, the more we end up caring for them. If you are so heavily invested in helping him heal, you will be doing all of the giving. This will result in you developing strong feelings for someone who does not yet have the capacity to feel the same way about you.

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DATING A GUY WITH “EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE” Whether it’s a divorce or a broken heart, baggage is baggage. If you have a guy who is already in a position where he is limited in what he can give (whether it’s because of his schedule, his lifestyle preferences, his past), then you need to consider that you may end up heavily investing in someone who will not be able to give you what you want in a relationship. Investment determines his level and ability to commit to you, so if you want that you’d better make sure he is in a position where he can invest time, energy, and attention when he’s with you. What if he’s not? Well, it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay or leave, just be mindful of the accommodations you are making to have him in your life. What are you sacrificing? What are you doing for him? What are you putting in? Can he match it? (This is not the same as saying will he or does he want to…. can he?)? The Quickest Way to Get Him to Ditch the Baggage… The funny thing about baggage is how quickly it will evaporate when a guy meets the right girl. Guys don’t suddenly become “ready” to be in a relationship. They see the window of opportunity for them closing and they either snap themselves into place and bring their A-game to win you over, or they hide behind their baggage as an excuse to avoid getting into a relationship. A lot of guys have issues, but they will usually make a strong effort to work them out fast if they think they're going to lose their chance with a girl they're interested in. It doesn’t matter how deeply rooted his issues are, he will go out of his way to give you some sign that he is invested in you if that is actually the case. There are definitely extreme cases where a guy is dealing with serious demons that make him incapable of being in any sort of relationship, but these are rare exceptions.

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If the relationship has any hope of survival, you also need to be willing to give him some space to work through whatever baggage he’s carrying. If you make his problems your problems, bigger problems will arise. Accept That His Ways of Coping Are Different From Your Men and women are very different in their coping techniques. While women usually prefer to talk it out until some semblance of a solution emerges (although women don’t necessarily need a solution, the talking itself is usually enough to help them feel better), men usually retreat and withdraw, preferring to work through things in their own minds. You may feel slighted or insulted that he doesn’t want to talk about it with you, but try to keep these feelings under control and accept that this is just the way men deal with things. Remember, this isn’t about you and it doesn’t say anything about the state of your relationship. Men are very solution-oriented. If talking isn’t going to help him feel like a “winner,” he’ll see no point in doing it. Instead, he will pull back and try to work things out internally. For many men, life is like a battle and winning is life or death. When you're hurt, you heal, and then return to the battlefield with a full heart. When a man is recharged, that is when you’re going to find him the most attractive. It is only when he has the space to work on himself that he can become the ideal man you want. When you interpret the situation as him “not putting the relationship first” or “withdrawing,” you may instinctively try to press him for reassurance and validation. This is a big mistake because the reason he needs to take a breather is so he can be a better man in the relationship and overall. The best thing to do when he pulls away is give him space. That’s all he wants, so just let him have it. When you give him time to be by himself, he'll notice and he'll appreciate it because he knows that

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most women can’t do that. This will make him love you even more because you are the one who can. He’s not the only one who can benefit from this time apart. You could also use it to work on yourself and to find ways to spend your time meaningfully. Truly enjoy your life so that you are an even better version of yourself when he starts to feel like himself again. Taking the time to work on yourself will always make the relationship stronger, so when the opportunity arises, grab it. Fun Fact: A University of Missouri study found that young boys feel the same way as men when it comes to talking about problems, namely, that it's a waste of time. The researchers conducted four different studies on nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. They found that girls believed talking about problems would make them feel cared for, understood, and less alone. Boys, on the other hand, said talking about their problems would make them feel "weird" and like they were "wasting time." They showed no fear of being teased or bullied for opening up; they just saw no point in it. Don’t Engage With His Issues There’s a trap that people can fall into where one person “engages” with the other person’s issue. That is, taking on your partner’s issue as a problem of your own to solve (women usually do this in the hopes that once the problem is solved, the relationship will be back on track). At that point, instead of being just the guy’s issue, it becomes a relationship issue. How do you avoid “engaging” with someone’s issue? Don’t fight with it. Don’t reason with it. Don’t try to solve it. Just leave it alone. Again, if he wants to talk about it, he’ll come to you; he knows where to find you. If or when he does, he will tell you his thoughts and feelings because he wants you to understand him. He wants you to

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understand what he is thinking and struggling with. When a man feels that you understand him, it deepens your relationship and strengthens the bond between you, creating a true partnership where you can stand alongside him when he’s going through something difficult. Even if you don’t agree with what he’s saying, or don’t think his reasons for feeling down make any sense, resist the urge to fight him on it or to point out why he’s being totally irrational. Tempting as it may be, don’t try to solve his problems for him (unless he explicitly asks for your advice). In most cases, he just wants you to understand where he’s coming from. Most men feel like the people in their lives don’t truly know or understand them. When a man tries to make you understand him, he is choosing to share a sacred part of himself with you.

Don’t Fall Into The Trap of Co-dependence The more sacrifices and accommodations we make for another person, the more we invest in that person and the more that person ends up meaning to us. This may seem counter-intuitive since we often assume that that when we do something for someone else, they will be more likely to invest back, but it just ain’t so. Trouble abounds when only one person is making those (often unhealthy) sacrifices, and this will usually be the person in the relationship who isn’t riddled with issues. A relationship needs to be reciprocal. It is supposed to be a partnership where each person is able to give to the other in healthy, productive ways (as in, not giving just so you can get something back, but rather, giving because you genuinely love the other person and want to make them happy). If one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, you have yourself an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. These relationships are the most

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devastating kind and usually leave both parties broken beyond repair when they inevitably implode. In a co-dependent relationship, neither person feels like they can stand on their own. Instead, they rely on one another for a sense of self, for a sense of worth. These situations usually form when one person is in a fragile state and starts dating someone stronger and seemingly together. There is a connection between the two and it may start off well intentioned enough, with the Strong trying to help the Weak. But it can quickly become something more insidious, where the Weak is dependent on the Strong for everything and feels that they would be lost without them. The Strong, in turn, may come to enjoy feeling so needed and may give even more, sending the Weak into an even weaker state. The two people dancing in this toxic tango are soon unable to let go of their roles. The Strong is afraid she’ll become obsolete if the Weak gets his act together, and the Weak needs to keep the Strong around for fear he’ll be completely helpless without her. Overall, it’s a horrible situation that never, ever has a happy ending. No matter how badly you want to things to improve, you cannot be his salvation and you will not be able to fix him. Cautionary Tale Samantha started dating Peter at a very unfortunate time in his life. He had just been dumped by a girl he really loved, he didn’t have a job, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, and he was struggling with severe depression. A week (to the day) after his ex abruptly ended the relationship, he met Samantha and felt helpless in the face of her unwavering compassion and genuine desire to help him get his life back on track. Samantha knew it was a mistake to get involved, but she couldn’t help herself because underneath all the baggage, she saw an

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amazing man; all he needed was someone to help him get through the tough stuff and then things would be perfect. They fell into a relationship almost immediately after meeting and were soon spending every night together. While he really loved her, it was a clouded sort of love that couldn’t thrive because of all the baggage weighing it down. Samantha gave and gave, to the point where she no longer had a life outside of the relationship. She paid for his groceries, knowing he could barely provide for himself; she did his laundry; she cleaned his apartment; she gave him generous gifts. She truly believed that if she made his life easier, in any way possible, he would realize he couldn't live without her and that she was an essential ingredient in his life. While Peter appreciated her efforts, nothing changed and his life and emotional state continued to unravel. Things trudged on for about a year with both parties unable to let go of the relationship, as destructive as it was. Samantha no longer saw her friends and no longer cared about her future, all she wanted was for Peter to get his life in order so they could finally focus on their future. It never got to that point. In time, Peter grew to resent Samantha. All of her compassion and understanding made his life of poverty and misery too comfortable. He met someone new and dropped Samantha without a flicker of hesitation. No apologies, no thank you notes for her year spent as an indentured servant, just an abrupt pulling of the plug and a quick leap into someone else's arms. He saw an opportunity to be happy with someone else, someone who wouldn't tolerate the miserable state of his existence, and he went with it. And he did find happiness, he did come out of his depression, he did find a new job, he did find true love. As for Samantha? It's been six years since she was tossed to the curb with Sunday's trash and she's still picking up the pieces.

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WHEN TO WALK AWAY If a relationship isn't working despite your best efforts, then it's time to leave. Simple as that. Yes, it's scary, but wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't worth it leads to a far worse fate. What’s the point of being in a relationship that's damaging and beneath you? It’s a waste of your time and mental energy. There are real consequences that come with these sorts of relationships. They can be crushing to your self-esteem and sense of self and can leave you with open wounds that carry over into your next relationship. No matter what, always remember that you deserve to have the relationship you want. There is a lot of truth to that old saying that it takes more strength to walk away than to stick it out. If you’re on the fence, there are two questions you can ask yourself to help you make the right choice: 1. Do I Genuinely Like Who He Is, As He Is? It's one thing to change a behavior, it's another thing entirely to think you can change a person. A lot of people enter into relationships because of what the other person could be. Instead, you need to assume that this is who he is and this is how he will always be. If there are certain things about him as a person that you simply don't like, you need to accept that those traits/habits/quirks/neuroses aren’t going anywhere. Then it's on you to decide if these traits are things you are willing to accept (and never nag him about!), or if they are deal breakers. Don’t try to coax, coerce, cajole, beg, plead, pout—none of that. Everyone has flaws; perfection is only an illusion (usually crafted by that old rabble-rouser called infatuation). You can’t deal with a man like you’re brokering a business deal, looking at an opening offer as a jumping off point to start negotiations. No, the offer is final, take it or

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leave it. It isn’t possible to change someone else; if you ever doubt this, just think about how difficult it is to change yourself (and in that scenario, you are in the drivers seat!). A smart thing to do is write out a definitive list of the qualities a good husband should have. Take the time to really consider your answers, discuss it with close friends, and make sure they are internal traits, not superficial things like a “has a good job” because that is subject to change (as are six-pack abs and a full head of hair). If your guy is lacking in any of those fundamental good-husband qualities, then what’s to grapple over? Ditch the dude who doesn’t measure up, and find one who does. 2. Do I Like Myself When I’m With Him? This question is the most important of all and is the ultimate deciding factor in whether to stay or go. When two people are in a healthy relationship, they naturally bring out the best in one another. They naturally challenge each other to grow so that their attributes strengthen and they become the best versions of themselves. When a relationship crushes you and forces you to shrink, placing a dark mask over the things that make you shine, there are problems brewing. And unless they're addressed, those problems will boil over like a burning cauldron, leaving you covered in blistering wounds and a big mess to clean. There are countless women who feel miserable and trapped by their relationships, yet despite these agonizing feelings of hurt/despair/insecurity/fear, they are unable to extricate themselves from the situation because of their all-consuming feelings for the other person. They get so caught up in their feelings for him that they miss the most important variable in the equation: themselves. Having strong feelings for someone does not mean he’s the right person for you.

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If you don’t like who you are when you’re with that person, then that’s it. End of story. If he brings out your worst and squashes your best, extinguishing that inner-fire that makes you you, recklessly trampling on the ashes, then get the heck out of the burning building and never look back! The man you want to ultimately be with is a man who respects, appreciates, loves, and admires you for exactly who you are. He not only loves the good, he accepts and embraces the bad. He is there for you, even if it’s inconvenient for him, because he wants to be, not because you guilted him into it. He makes sacrifices for you, not because he values your happiness above his own, but because he knows he can’t be happy unless you are. He doesn’t only listen to what you have to say; he hears the things you aren’t saying. He is a man who will bring out your best, but will still love you when you’re at your worst. These standards are universal and they are not unrealistic. You may have some personal additions to make, but overall, everything described should be a non-negotiable.

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CHAPTER 6: How to Get Him To Treat You Better And Value You More “We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” - Frederick Koenig In the early stages of a relationship, a man will naturally be on his best behavior in order to win you over. He puffs his chest, fans his peacock feathers, and enraptures you in a beautiful world of vivid colors and endless possibilities. Unfortunately, the pretty show will inevitably come to an end leaving you in a far less glamorous and effortless place—reality. As things progress, you may notice that your guy doesn’t seem to appreciate you as much, or that the romance has dwindled. This drop in attention can be very upsetting for women and a knee-jerk reaction may be to say something, which can backfire and lead to a greater decline. Women tend to make this one critical mistake when trying to get a guy to do something—asking him to do it. Or rather, harping on him to do it. This will not work; he won’t see your request as guidance, he’ll see it as nagging. This chapter is less about his explaining his behaviors, as it is an examination of your behavior and mindset, and how they impact the way he responds.

A LITTLE APPRECIATION GOES A LONG WAY Guys are raised to be men—dependable and non-needy. But you would be amazed how starved men are to feel appreciated and

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acknowledged for everything they do. No guy will ever ask for it. In fact, most guys don't even know what they're missing and wouldn't know to ask for it. Plus, you can't really ask to be appreciated. So men typically plod through their lives, grinding away to be the best man they can be, but feel unnoticed, unacknowledged, and unappreciated for who they are and what they contribute. Here's a magical secret, something that transforms a man so much that he can’t help but feel a profound love and connection with his girl (even when he previously had her filed in his “good time only” folder): Ready? When a woman sees a man and acknowledges him for all the things he feels everyone else ignores. This doesn’t refer to his material wealth, surface-level accomplishments, or anything on a superficial plane. He wants to feel appreciated and acknowledged for his inner goodness. When a man feels that a woman truly sees him and truly gets him, he can't help but love her for making him feel understood like nobody else does. Now be careful with what we’re about to tell you and make sure to use this power for good, not to manipulate men into falling in love with you for sport. Men are so starved for a deep connection, appreciation, and recognition of their best qualities that they'll do anything for the woman who recognizes those things in them. The thing is, your appreciation has to be sincere. You can't come from a place of trying to force a connection with him, or from a place of expressing appreciation just so he’ll do more for you. Rather, you need to sincerely look at your guy through those eyes of appreciation, acknowledgement, and recognition of his best self. It has to be genuine and cannot be faked. It may seem obvious, but tons of women can’t seem to come from

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this genuine place because they're either: 1) Too frightened of being taken advantage of, losing the guy, something going wrong. - Or 2) They resent men on some level; they're holding onto some past grudge or battle; they need to "get theirs" first before giving anything to the man. How to Encourage Good Behavior Talking about stuff isn't what's going to change your relationship for the better. Being better will change your relationship for the better. We can’t stress this one enough: focus on loving yourself and feeling truly content with your life just as it is. When you live a happy and fulfilled lifestyle, any dating problems will take care of themselves. When you look outside of yourself to fill an emotional void of your own, the world will treat you like a beggar and coldly turn away from you. If a woman is emotionally dependant on the guy (a.k.a. needy), she doesn’t have the ability to give freely because she’s so fixated on taking and needing. You should want, appreciate, and desire your man without needing something from him. When he knows that you don’t need him to be a certain way, he will want to do things for you because he feels he is acting within his own freedom, not constraint. He’ll want to give you the little extras because he knows they’ll make you happy, not because he feels like your emotional livelihood is depending on it. If you want to get more of the little things, you should reward him for the good behavior. A simple “thank you” is nice, but it doesn’t have the same emotional impact as doing something that feels as

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good to him as he makes you feel when he does what you like. To encourage more “good behavior” from him, reward him by telling him what he did that you liked, tell him how it made you feel, and then show him through some action that will make him feel really good. For examples, saying something like: “When you did this, you made me feel like XYZ,” followed by reward. This approach works infinitely better than saying any of the following: - Can you please do this? - I want you to do this. - I need you to do this. - Why don't you do this? - I told you to do this! - DO THIS OR ELSE! In the first example, you are acknowledging what he did right and are showing appreciation for him. You’re telling him that he “won” at making you happy, which is the ultimate formula in communicating what good behavior is to a man. In the other examples, you’re dwelling on what he does wrong. Doing this will remind him of the way his mother used to yell at him for misbehaving, and like a stubborn child, he will do the opposite of what he is told. When you focus on what he’s doing wrong, he feels defeated and will lose any motivation to do the things you want. It is also important to note that men like specific compliments much more than general ones. For a man, receiving a compliment for a specific action ("Thank you for doing the dishes, that was so thoughtful of you) has a much greater impact than telling him what he is (“You're so thoughtful”). While women are thrilled with general compliments of the you're so pretty/smart/funny/etc. sort, men crave

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acknowledgment for specific actions, even seemingly minor ones. Have you ever asked a man to kill a bug for you? If so, you have undoubtedly seen his face light up like a Christmas tree after you thanked him for his bravery. If you were just judging the expression on his face alone, you’d think this guy just rescued a dozen orphans from a burning building! A woman who can appreciate the small stuff is the ultimate male fantasy. It really is as simple as that. Show him you care, appreciate him, see the good in him, see the winner in him, and he will go to the ends of the earth and back to make you happy. You can't get people to change by force or by exerting pressure. If you want your guy to change a behavior, try to convey it with your actions, or with reinforcing compliments. If he’s not taking the hint and you need to address an issue more directly, do it when you're clearheaded and calm (and only have the talk once, any more than that and you enter nag-territory). If things don't improve, you have two options: accept him as he is or end it. Show Him How to Make You Happy and He Will Above all, a guy wants the girl he’s with to be happy. He wants her to be pleased with him. He wants her to be satisfied with who he is as a person and who he is in the relationship. While that might sound very altruistic and cheery, there's a selfish-motivation too: the hottest, sexiest, most attractive version of any woman is the thoroughly happy version. When you show a man that he makes you (and can continue to make you) happy, he will make it his mission to do so. When a man feels like he can’t make a woman happy, he will not want to be in a relationship with her (or if he stays, he will not want to deepen it). On the other hand, when a woman acknowledges him for all the things he’s doing well, he will almost certainly want to deepen the relationship and stick with it.

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Your man isn’t a mind reader, though. You have to help him out a bit by showing appreciation and acknowledgement when he does something right. To a man, a woman who is thoroughly happy with him is a beautiful woman. Men and women try their best to guess how to make each other happy, but there is nothing more refreshing in a relationship than when a woman simply tells the guy what she likes and how it makes her feel. The trick is it cannot be done in a needy or punishing way. It also can’t be done in a way that makes him feel bad about how he was doing things previously. For example, if a guy doesn't wear cologne and his girlfriend comments on some other guy's cologne and how good it smells, the boyfriend feels like he "lost" against that other man and resents her for awarding that other man as the "winner." In her mind, she was just commenting on the cologne she liked, but to her boyfriend, she just took some other guy and crowned him king in that moment. Now the cologne statement is a point of contention with the boyfriend. Every time he hears the word cologne he's reminded of his girlfriend hinting that some other guy was above him, that he wasn't the best in her eyes, he wasn't the winner. And he'll resent her for it. When someone in a couple resents something, they will always get even eventually. Always. At some point down the line, he'll make a comment about another girl having an attractive feature or quality and she'll resent it... and on and on. This is the resentment cycle and it represents what many couples have as an undercurrent in their relationship. The better way to get a guy to do what you want is to simply say that you love this cologne and you'd love it on him. And why should he get it? Because it makes you feel turned on by him. Because it makes you feel love for him. Because it makes you feel desire/lust/passion for him.

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BE THE PRIZE AND HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO WIN YOU OVER This is the most important concept of all when it comes to this crazy little thing called love. It’s called prizability. That is, carrying yourself like a prize that must be earned. People tend to put value on that which is rare and that which they have to work for—not just in relationships, but in all aspects of life; we don’t value what is just handed to us nearly as much. It’s a tale as old as time. Boy A and boy B both want the same super cool new toy. Boy A's parents give it to him simply because he wants it (and he asked nicely to boot!). Boy B's parents tell him if he wants it, he has to save up for it. Boy A enjoys the new toy, for a little bit at least. Soon enough the novelty wears off and he starts thinking about the next toy he wants. Boy B spends months saving his allowance and doing extra chores around the house in exchange for a bonus. Every day he thinks about how amazing he’ll feel when he finally gets his hands on that toy; he pictures how fun it will be to play with it, how envious his friends will be. It’s the same toy, it cost the same amount, but its value was very different to each boy.

The Thrill of the Challenge There is definitely an art to being challenging while still coming across as charming and fun. The value of being challenging is to make sure the guy brings his best self to the table; not the passive guy who’s going to just run his game knowing you’ll eat it up. If you’re trying to be challenging and are instead coming across as bitchy, you’re doing

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it wrong. Men are competitive by nature; they want to feel like they are working toward something special. When it’s too easy, he’ll get bored. When you keep him in check, it’ll keep him on his toes. It’s not really the chase that men love. In theory, most men would prefer to be Boy A and get the toy just because they want it. What men love, what keeps them in the game, what forces them to up the stakes and go the extra mile (even when they know there’s probably some other chick out there who would give in way sooner) is the reward. Boy B didn’t like doing all those extra chores around the house; he would have rather been outside playing. However, it was all worth it for that moment of victory. Men love the feeling of getting the girl they had to earn. They love feeling like they won at an incredibly challenging game. When a man believes that he truly earned the girl, he will want to parade his “trophy” all over town. He will make her his girlfriend; he will announce it to the world on Facebook; he will introduce her to all of his friends and his family because he wants the world to know that she is his. He wants to claim her because he’ll be damned if any other guy tries to get a piece of his trophy, his ultimate prize. The moral of the story: show him that you are not easily “won” and he’ll work that much harder to impress you. As you know by now, the more effort we put into someone, the more we end up liking and valuing the person. How to Be the Prize Beliefs set the groundwork for establishing yourself as a prize; what you believe becomes your reality. When you dwell on how perfect/smart/sexy/talented/successful/special/rare he is, you make him the golden ticket in the relationship. If you obsess about how he feels—or doesn’t feel—about you, if you analyze every tiny thing he

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says or does, if you feel terrified by the thought of losing him, if you feel unworthy of him, then you are not the prize, you are his doormat and he will treat you as such. When you're the prize, he's thinking, "Wow, she could have had anyone and she picked me. I will do whatever I can to keep her happy.” When he's the prize, his thoughts sound more like, "I could have had anyone and I chose her. I can behave however I want and she'll still be here because she's lucky to have me." The easiest way to establish yourself as the prize is to come into the relationship already feeling complete. Fill your life with exciting, meaningful activities. Find some new hobbies, take an interesting class, do volunteer work, spend time connecting with friends who truly love you—anything that will make your life fulfilling, wellrounded, and amazing. If you start dating a guy who you consider to be out of your league, remind yourself that you are the prize that he is trying to win over. Say it in your head over and over until you truly believe it. Him wanting you isn’t enough; he needs to put in the effort to get you. This isn’t on demand cable; he doesn’t get to have what he wants as soon as he wants it with the click of a remote. The Winning Attitude A prize doesn’t put up with anything she doesn’t want; she doesn’t try to coerce or manipulate her man in order to get her way. Instead, she carries herself in a way that tells him if he doesn’t treat her right, she’ll leave without a flicker of hesitation. It’s not to say that she’s cruel, unforgiving, or threatening at all. In fact, having standards allows her to be as sweet as honey whenever possible since she knows that she won’t settle or be taken advantage. When a woman sees herself as the prize, she isn’t terrified of losing him because her sense of self is not contingent upon the

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success of the relationship. In turn, he becomes terrified of losing her, knowing that girls like this are few and far between. She doesn’t worry about what guys think of her because she believes if a guy somehow manages to overlook her immense value, he is not worth her time. A prize doesn’t hold onto her man as a lifeboat, fearing she can never do better so she had better do whatever it takes to keep him happy. No, she sees the relationship as a nice little bonus to her already fabulous life. She isn’t afraid of losing him because she knows she’ll be able to find better should things go awry. As a result, he becomes afraid of losing her, knowing he probably won’t ever find better. It’s not that she sees relationships as insignificant; she just won’t put forth the effort or investment until he shows that he is worthy of it. Perceived Value There is nothing more intoxicating to a man than feeling personally wanted and chosen by an in-demand girl. On the other side of the coin, there is nothing more alarming than feeling like a girl has an ulterior motive, or is somehow objectifying a guy to get something (approval, attention, self-esteem…the usual neediness suspects). When someone has perceived value, he or she is instantly a hot commodity. Think about celebrities; male celebrities, no matter what they look like, have gaggles of girls pouncing on them and trying to get their attention with every step they take (we’ve seen it first-hand!). This happens for typical heartthrobs, as well as the unfortunate looking ones who are just lucky they hit it big. It isn’t about the fame or the money and, for many male celebrities, it certainly isn’t about the looks. It’s about the fact that they could have anyone they want, and this is what makes many women so desperate to be the chosen ones (If he can have anyone and he picks me, then I must really be

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special!). Whether you have tons of guys pursuing you or not is irrelevant. Remember, thoughts have a way of turning into reality. If you believe you can have any guy, you’ll start sending out that vibe and suddenly you will become irresistible to all men. This isn’t a game; this is called being confident. When you are truly confident, then you will believe you can have anyone you want because you see your own value and expect others to as well. It Isn’t Just a Relationship Thing Prizability applies to many areas of life other than relationships. They say when you go in for a job interview you should pretend to be the interviewer. This is essentially the same concept because when you change roles, you establish yourself as the prize that the employer needs to win over. If you go into the interview thinking: “Pick me! Pick me! If I don't get this job I'll be penniless and out on the street. I need this, my livelihood depends on it!” you will probably get sympathy points, but you most likely won't get the job. If you go in doubting your résumé, doubting your experience and your abilities to rise to the occasion, you will project that attitude and will essentially be telling the interviewer (not through your words, through your demeanor) that you don't believe you are worthy of this job, but they should give it to you anyway. Now take someone else who feels confident in her skills. Maybe she doesn't have enough experience, but she has no doubt that she is motivated and talented enough to get the job done. She goes in not thinking, but knowing she is the best possible candidate. As the best candidate, she wants to know what this job will give to her. Send these two kinds of candidates to interview for the same job and the

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less qualified (but confident) one will get it every time. Thoughts have real resonance and the vibes we send out can make a huge impact in our daily interactions. Ever notice how the guys you're not interested in are the ones who show the most interest in you? Or that you get hit on more when you're off the market? This also carries over to the workplace. When you're looking for a job, there's nothing out there. As soon as you have a great job, all these other opportunities come your way. This isn't the universe playing some sort of sick joke on you; it’s the universe reacting in accordance with the vibes you're putting out. When someone knows you have a choice, they will automatically focus on, and desire, your best qualities. When someone perceives that you have no choice, and are instead filled with desperation and neediness, they will hone in on your faults, possibly as an attempt to understand what lead you to that place. What it Looks Like Before Derek met Ashley, he firmly believed that he did not want a girlfriend until he got his life a straightened out. He even dated a wonderful, albeit needy, girl for almost a year and managed to skate by without becoming official. After meeting Ashley, everything changed. With her, everything felt relaxed and comfortable. They were open and honest with one another and didn't feel like they had to act like anything other than who they were. They didn't rely on each other for anything and, as a result, they each felt appreciated, wanted, seen, inspired, and recognized. Neither one tried to gain ground or get the upper hand; it was one of those rare and magical mutually-fulfilling relationships from the start. Ashley didn't need anything from Derek; she didn't need reassurance; she didn't need a confidence boost; she didn't need…anything. She chose Derek entirely because of desire and

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appreciation without a shred of need. And because she wasn't needy, she didn't put up with something she didn't want. Derek knew, without her saying a word, that she could have had 20 guys lined up to take his place with the snap of a finger. As a result, he became the man he always wanted to be, knowing it would be the only way to keep her. He became the man a girl like her deserves. In the relationship, Derek finally felt accepted for exactly who he was. For the first time in many years, he felt good about life, he felt good about himself, and he felt good about the possibilities that lay ahead. He became official with Ashley after three weeks and didn't hesitate to change his status on Facebook, MySpace, or anywhere else right away, even though he had sworn off going public with relationships after being badgered into it by an ex-girlfriend a few years prior. Derek was happy for the first time in a very long time and wanted the entire world to know it. For Derek, things like "freedom" or "independence" or "hooking up" or "living the single life" paled in comparison to the way he felt when he was with Ashley. He wanted to feel that way forever. It hasn't been forever, but they have been happily married for five years and are as crazy about each other now as they were from the start.

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BONUS FOOTAGE If you find yourself still struggling to understand men, refer to this handy snapshot for some universal male truths. Most men … • Are open to relationships with the right woman • Are insecure about their abilities, their attractiveness, their ability to turn you on. Acknowledging when a guy does something right goes a long way. Men like being complimented just as much as women, only they don’t care if you notice their haircut or like their outfit, they like being reminded from time to time about the great qualities they have that made you fall in love to begin with • Would rather act like a jerk and be rejected for it than put themselves out there and have their actual self rejected • Want depth in a relationship, but do not know how to get it • Feel negative emotions as though they were arrows that get stuck in them. It is very, very hard for them to remove an "arrow," so men do everything they can to deflect, ignore, or protect against feeling those negative emotions • Have a narrow band of emotions that they would readily seek out on the emotional spectrum. While women love to watch a sad movie or cry about something with a friend (once in a while), guys would be ecstatic if they could forever feel full (from eating), sexually satisfied, inspired, and accomplished. If they could live every day feeling only and exclusively those things they would be totally, completely happy and content- no drama!

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Final Thoughts From Sabrina If you come away from this book with only one lesson let it be this: relationships work best when you are at your best. When you are in a state of perpetual reliance on someone else to fulfill your needs, you aren't in the moment. You aren't enjoying the relationship for what it is. You aren't giving to the relationship in a healthy way, and you aren't open and receptive to what the other person has to give. Rather, you will perpetually be chasing the next high, on a constant quest to satiate some unfulfilled desire within. You will wait for a sign that he cares; you will pressure him to say nice things and do grand gestures. And even then, you will always feel this lack. It's easy to pin the source of your yearning on the person who isn't giving you what you think they should, but the truth is, no one can give you love if you aren't in a place to receive it. When you need something, you are no longer able to see the other person for who they are; only what you can get from them. This isn't always a conscious thing, oftentimes it lurks just beneath the surface, causing chaos and difficulties in your relationship for reasons you can't quite pin down. If you have a firm sense of self, if you truly believe you deserve love and are worthy of having the kind of relationship you want, then you are ready to be in such a relationship. When you get a handle on these things, you won't worry if a guy doesn't text back, nor will you feel worthless because the man you believe is your soul mate won't acknowledge you as his girlfriend. Instead, you will have clarity and objective awareness. You will see the situation for what it is and you will have a strong sense of what it is you want, which will prevent you

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from settling for situations that fall short. When you can see and accept the goodness within you, you will no longer be looking for measures of your worth on the outside. You won't wonder, you won't stress, you won't analyze, you'll just know. You'll know that the guy who gets the privilege of being with you will be the luckiest man in the world; you'll know that you will be treated like a queen, and you won't be afraid to walk away when you aren't being treated in the way you deserve. In any interaction, be it with a significant other or with a friend or family member, all you can do is bring your best self to the table. When you do this, you will usually elevate the other person to their best self and that is the greatest gift you can give. If it doesn’t work out, at least you did your best. Anything more is beyond your control. While I knew a lot about overcoming relationship challenges before writing this book, the actual process itself took me to a whole new level. With each passing chapter, I couldn't help but reflect on situations from my past, only this time it was with a lens of clarity and knowing exactly why those relationships failed. It sounds crazy, but I could literally pinpoint the moment when things shifted and his interest started to wane (this was usually tied to my acting needy in some capacity, no big surprise there!). Working on A New Mode for the past few years and writing this book have turned me into the kind of woman I always wanted to be— strong, confident, and undeterred by setbacks in the relationship department. I learned how to get myself to a place of feeling happy, whole, and complete. I stopped beating myself up if a relationship didn't pan out the way I hoped it would. I learned to find happiness within myself and to stop relying on the outside world to give me what I thought I needed. My greatest hope is that you will experience the same kind of joy and inner peace. I hope that you have learned to see your immense,

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inherent value and are now strong enough to stay away from anyone who demeans this value. As you physically close this book, I hope you also metaphorically close the book on the past. Forget about your pain and heartbreak, about the times you acted desperate, about the guys who dumped you, and the ones who made you feel not good enough. It's time to move on and start a new chapter because you're a different person now. Back then you were a naive girl who didn't know better and did what she thought she had to in order to love and be loved. Now, you're a wise and savvy woman who knows her worth and knows she can have the exact relationship she wants. You know what men think, you know why they respond the way they do in certain situations, you know the value of loving yourself, and you know how to be the kind of person that gets exactly what she wants, both in relationships and in life as a whole. This is some powerful stuff and you should take the time to really bask in this knowledge. The past is done and the future has just begun. Savor the moment and use the insights you’ve gained to get exactly what you want out of life.

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