Here I am My Lord

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September 19, 2006 “Here I Am, My Lord…” My first glimpse of the ka’bah was veiled by an astounding wave of tears. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. In the days leading up to the trip, I’d found myself weeping uncontrollably for no apparent reason, and on the Saudi Airlines plane, I was clandestinely sapping up the unwanted wetness on my face as I listened to beautifully melodious recitations of the Quran, grateful for the darkness that hid the naked longings for my Creator. Wait until the next day to perform umrah if you’re too tired, I’d been warned. But upon arrival to Mecca from the airport in Jeddah, I found myself instantly drawn to the Grand Mosque. Sleep was impossible. An irrepressible urge had been building within from the very moment the mere idea of umrah had entered my consciousness, and it could not be now ignored. No, I was too close. At 2 a.m., I was entering the King Abdul Aziz Gate, walking like so many before me along the white marbled path that led to the ka’bah. When I eventually beheld the intense beauty of that simple cube-like structure, I found myself disappointed: here I was finally, and human weakness prevented me from seeing the very thing for which I longed. I really could not see the ka’bah. I blinked furiously, blinked again, and a wobbly black box came into view, framed perfectly against the dark sky, its majestic simplicity in contrast with the intricate arches of the mosque surrounding it.

In awe, I succumbed to tears. All my life I had prayed towards this building, and here it stood before me, looking more breathtaking than I could ever have imagined. It was surreal. The pictures I had seen, none of it had prepared me for the moment when my own eyes lit upon the magnificence that was the ka’bah. It is said that one’s prayers are answered upon first viewing the ka’bah, but the incredible surge of emotions prevented me from making any sort of coherent plea to my Lord. I simply stood there staring. ‘Here I am, my Lord,’ I thought, ‘here I am before you,’ and I added, weeping, ‘I need Your Mercy and Compassion right now more than ever.’ The first couple of rounds about the ka’bah were mindless; I am ashamed to admit that my supplications were rather incomprehensible. For there I was, in God’s glorious presence, circumambulating the ka’bah with so many others, all the while observing people of so many different shades of colour, hearing numerous tongues chanting aloud in various languages, and yet I felt almost completely alone. I was in conversation with my Lord and no one else mattered. Still, amidst the feelings of exultation and the amazement of finally being there, I experienced a sense of deep despair. For I stood before God in shame. Clad in pure white, I was imperfect, stained with sins that had been repeated time and again. Some I had sought to resist; others for which I hadn’t even made the effort; some for which I had sought forgiveness; others for which I hadn’t. And yet, I found peace in my own solitary circlings of the ka’bah. I walked slowly, paying little heed to those around me. I was surprised by the focus, the concentration. But there were moments when I watched, detached, as both men and women pressed drunkenly against the ka’bah,

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fighting to kiss the black stone, pushing and shoving for an opportunity to cling to the door, and my heart swelled with grief as I envisioned the Day of Judgement and imagined the desperation people would feel as they realized the wrongs they had committed and the many chances they had missed. I prayed for those people as I stared at the frenzied crowds in dismay, hoping they would live out the remainder of their lives with at least some of the fervour with which they worshipped on that day. And I wept. Oh, how I wept. I am still not sure why I wept, for the rational part of me had long since fled, cowed by the ferocity and newness of emotions contained for much too long. I knew only that I was crying out to the One who knew of my deepest desires and my secret sorrows. I wept too as I sought God’s forgiveness, as I asked for inward and outward peace, as I begged for worldly goods that were so mundane, so superficial, I would have been ashamed to even verbalize them to another being. And there were moments when I remained silent, overwhelmed. God would know, I thought. There was no need for words. Privately, I had referred to the months before my journey as my own Year of Sadness, replete with more disappointment and pain than I could ever have imagined. But I found peace and a sort of serene joy while poring through the pages of the Quran; while pushing myself to spend just another hour in the Prophet’s mosque even as my head was bobbing madly in sleepiness; while making dhikr and silently contemplating life amidst the hordes of people sitting around me; while joining in the congregational prayers led by the white-bearded Hudhaify himself; while bustling to the mosque with the thousands all heeding the beautiful call of the muaddhin; while making wudu in the refreshing coldness of zamzam after circling the ka’bah at noon; while retracing the very footsteps of the Prophet, from the Cave of Hira where he’d received the first revelation to the Qubaa’ Mosque, which he’d built after migrating to Medina; while trudging back and forth between the hills of Safa and Marwa and wondering just how Hagar, a simple black woman whose name is now a mere footnote in our history books, had managed to do the same in the blazing sun – and it suddenly struck me just how meaningless so much of my life was, how strange were the things I had surrounded myself with in the hopes that they would make me happier, and how truly nothing really mattered but for my relationship with God. No single individual, no other life pursuit was as worthy of my attention. None of the failures meant as much when I had God. And none of the successes mattered either if they were not given meaning through my relationship with my Creator. Clichéd though it may seem, I was happiest when I found myself with God. During my farewell tawaaf around the ka’bah, my companion must have noticed my grief, for she sought to comfort me, suggesting that I would be back at the ka’bah sooner than I might imagine. But I was not merely mournful of the emotional and spiritual high I had experienced during most of my stay there. I wept for my own weakness, for even as I departed I was embarrassed to realize I was still thinking of my own self: how happy I now was, how much I had gained from that visit spiritually and emotionally and mentally, and even then, I was asking more of God, seeking guidance, betterment, forgiveness for myself and for others, when really I should have been thanking God, praising God, glorifying God in my final moments there. As always, I had taken so much, given so little. How selfish I was, and how Merciful and Forgiving was this God to whom I prayed. Sometime in the process of performing umrah, I came to love God with an intensity I’d never felt before. The God-consciousness that grew within me – I cannot really explain it. I prayed to God, and God was watching me and listening to me in a way I couldn’t possibly internalize when I bowed and prostrated within the comfort of my own home. On the last day, my friend observed me praying in the airport and burst into tears. “When I get home,” she exclaimed bitterly, “I won’t see the ka’bah when I pray. I’ll see my door instead!” “I’ll see my bed!” I responded, already missing the zing of pleasure I experienced as I joined the thousands of pilgrims streaming into the mosque with the sole purpose of performing each of the five daily prayers; or the anticipation I felt when a friend and I slipped out of our hotel room in the wee hours and headed to the mosque on our own; or the flush of happiness that overcame me as I looked up at dawn to see birds chirping as they too circled the ka’bah in the air; or even the vivid awareness of inevitable death I felt when we sealed our congregational prayers with additional funereal prayers for the children who had passed away that day. All that I shall treasure and more. But I return home with little regret, for I can only exult in the blessing it was for me to have visited such a holy place. The true impact of the journey is felt when a Muslim purposefully changes elements of his or her life as a result. During my stay there, I took the time to ponder what it really meant to consider the umrah and hajj ‘life-changing experiences’. And I came to understand that the personalized prayers I was making were really pleas to myself to change. I was speaking to myself just as much as I was speaking to God. I didn’t want God to change me; I wanted God to give me the willpower, the strength, the resolution to change myself. This umrah was not just about finding comfort in God. It wasn’t even about merely worshipping God. It was a journey offering ample opportunity for self-reflection and selfunderstanding. I could be my old self when I returned, and of course, it would be easiest to slide right back into that role. But I could also change if I so desired. I made a resolution then and there that for each of my personal pleadings to God, I would make an equal effort to improve myself, to become an individual more pleasing to the God whom I so desperately beseeched. And so it was that a simple journey that involved donning the ihraam, circumambulating the ka’bah, praying behind the station of Abraham and walking between the hills of Safa and Marwa before removing some or all of one’s hair – this journey became so much more to me: a cleansing of my sins, an antidote for my pains, and a light that now guides me forward along the path. I am grateful. So grateful that even as I write this now I find myself in tears. I know not what sort of upliftment the hajj experience might generate, but I pray only that this humble umrah is accepted, and I pray too that I am offered the chance to return to Mecca and Medina once more. In the meantime, may God grant me the strength to translate my newfound love for Him into right speech and action so that this journey of mine might not have been in vain.

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All images on this website are copyrighted and cannot be used without the express permission of Safiyyah Ally. All rights reserved.

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Safiyyah's Life Heartfelt Reflections Saudi Arabia

| This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 at 12:26 am and is filed under Safiyyah's Life, Heartfelt Reflections, Saudi Arabia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

40 Responses to ““Here I Am, My Lord…”” 1. silence « the trees wait to be taken said: September 19th, 2006 at 1:21 am

[…] ism of ni’m”… but that must wait: i just read safiyyah’s beautiful “here i am, my Lord” post about her ‘umrah experience, and all my creative/ wi […] 2. dawud said: September 19th, 2006 at 12:44 pm

salaam Safiyyah, mashAllah, your pictures are beautiful and your words are poetic and remind me strongly of my own experiences, especially going from a time of hardship to the sheer joy of feeling “welcomed” by Allah to His Noble Home… aywa, I feel some remorse now at not being there. Saudi, as it currently exists, is not a country as much as “a family running a business” (the derogatory, but still incisive, comment by the former Israeli general Moshe Dayan) - sadly, the oppression and mendacity that I witnessed there kept me from wanting to stay incountry, other than to visit the Haramayn - or possibly, to live next to the Prophet’s Mosque… may Allah bless all muslims with the blessings that you and I have had the joy to experience. One question: were you aware of the Rihla2006 group that went this summer, and were you there at the same time as some of those folk? Did you have a chance to visit some of the ulema or blessed people who live in the two blessed cities? 3. Asmaa said: September 19th, 2006 at 1:58 pm

Safiyyah, may Allah (swt) reward you for this touching post. And may He accept your Umrah. Sometimes I wonder about the wisdom behind Hajj being Fardh, and then I read stories like this and I know. It’s easy to lose track of a purpose in life when you don’t know about the places and the people who came before you and those who sacrificed everything for Allah (swt). You do seem different lately, and I hope that this trip is something that has caused you to become a better person. I love you 4. get away to a better place! « In all honesty….. said: September 19th, 2006 at 3:49 pm

[…] m blogging, and yes I am bad….. a very bad student), and subhanAllah I came across Safiyyah’s post about her Umrah!!! No Comments […] 5. Tasneem said: September 19th, 2006 at 6:23 pm

Safiyyah, your post left me in tears. May Allah accept your Ummrah and all your du’as! 6. Faraz said: September 19th, 2006 at 9:28 pm

SubhanAllah, that post brought me right back to the Haramain…

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…of course, reading it at work was probably not a good idea, since the rest of the day, I was kinda daydreaming about Masjid Nabawi. 7. Ruqayyah said: September 19th, 2006 at 9:39 pm

Bismillah - Thank you so much for that Safiyyah. It was Beautiful. Although it is very hard for the inept among us to capture such beauty and inner emotion, you accomplish it effortlessly and for us to read it is like recieving an unexpected gift if not much more..alhamdulillah. Thanks for the pictures, the words, and letting us read it. And.. YOU’RE BACK!! Makes me so happy love, Ruqayyah

May Allah give you tawfiq and peace.

8. Adnan Siddiqi said: September 20th, 2006 at 2:33 am

Dear Safiyah! You made me restless after making this touchy posts.Since I myself have performed umrah twice yet so I can understand your feelings [maybe not because you and me are not same].Saying dua at first glimpse yes its a fact but another fact is that one just forgets everything when see that black building infront of eyes.Ume Habiba has read a beautiful Hamd “Kabay per pari jab pehle nazar,kia cheez tha kaba bhool bhool gaya”. Visiting Both harams is not all about performing ibadat and Umrah.A person experience so many thnigs over there.Durnig tawaf,during namaz,during everything. I coudnt reach to Aswad Stone but yes i got chance to reach MULTAZIM;another special region where no dua is rejected.I kept weeping after putting my head on Kaaba wall.Really wonderful,really amazing. Yes I agree with you that once you pray infront of Kabaa then you dont feel so exciting to pray at homes but again its all about concentration.Once can feel same even at home if he so pure in his prayers. Amazing post and may Allah accepts your Umrah-ameen 9. Din said: September 20th, 2006 at 6:06 am

Mashah Allah.May Allah accept your duas. How has the visit changed the way you pray? I am sure it has? ( Make dua that ALlah gives me the means to visit it soon, inshahallah) 10. Abu Sinan said: September 20th, 2006 at 7:53 am

Masha’Allah. Thanks for sharing. 11. Sadaf said: September 20th, 2006 at 7:13 pm

As salaaamu alaikum Saf, I love you Saf! May Allah swt accept all your du’as inshaAllah. I hope inshAllah the next time I meet you, you can envelop me in more of these amazing experiences that only Allah swt can give us. MashAllah . Please pray for all of us, that we get an opportunity whenever it is best for us to go to Umrah/ Hajj. I’m truly excited to meet you again soon inshAllah, your expereinces just totally humbled me. SubhanAllah 12. darvish said: September 20th, 2006 at 9:23 pm

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Alhamdulillah! What a beautifully written account I also wept for a year after being initiated as a darvish, and weep still at the immensity of the chance of grace I had been given. A chance only, the rest is up to me, to you, and to all who love and struggle in His name. You might also like an early post on Darvish called Reflections on Hajj, writtten by brother Dara, who lives there still. http://darvish.wordpress.com/2006/06/09/reflections-on-hajj/ Ya Haqq! 13. Asmaa said: September 20th, 2006 at 10:33 pm

Hey Saf, a totally unrelated (no, really) comment: your blog draws some very…shall we say “strange” people. COUGHnoshirkersallowedCOUGH. 14. Adnan Siddiqi said: September 21st, 2006 at 1:16 am

OT: All images on this website are copyrighted and cannot be used without the express permission of Safiyyah Ally. All rights reserved. Well…Why copyrigths and permission ms.saffiyah?Did you take permisison from Managment of Masjidul haram and Masjid NabviThere are clear instructions which i saw on enterance gate of masjidul haram that ‘photography is not allowed’ near the map of whole masjid it means photography is not legal anyway then why are you asking for others permission? Just curious.I am not taken any pic from your website 15. Shababer said: September 21st, 2006 at 8:47 am

Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmutulah saf That was beautiful… eyes just welled up with tears and it flew me back three weeks to when I also first layed my eyes on the blessed Kaaba.. it is a shaking and moving esperience.. I even wondered if I deserved.. just to look at the kaaba.. we all go there for His mercy and His forgiveness.. a wonderful opportunity. Nice Blog, speaks on so many issues, gives the other sides, and most importantly, it makes us all think critically.. we need more Muslim blogs! 16. suffering from kabah withdrawal syndrome said: September 21st, 2006 at 1:45 pm

im crying my eyes out, and its all your fault. i miss the kabah and masjid nabawi, and i miss you. 17. Ayesha Ma said: September 21st, 2006 at 1:49 pm

Bismillahirahmaniraheem. Assalamualaikum Warahmatullah Ta’ala Wabarakatuh dearest Safiyyah, Alhamdullilah, I thank Allah for giving you the ability to express so beautifully of what is in your heart and my heart. JazakumAllahu Khairan. In the midst of returning to my daily life, your entry brings me back to 3 weeks (or 4) ago when we were together in Makkah and Madinah, waking up together to go for fajr, sitting together on the plane from Jeddah to New York and chatting and wondering how our lives will change for the better, bi’ithnillah, after the trip. Please take care and please keep in touch. I pray to Allah that He will make us all strong and have the willpower to change ourselves for Him and Only Him, ameen. Ayesha Ma Vancouver, BC 18. Jack (in Montreal) said:

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September 21st, 2006 at 9:05 pm

Hello Safiyyah, Thank you for teaching me about the beauty of Islam and Mecca. I was very moved when I read your passages, and the photographs, and I can see better now, how this is a great and holy place known as Mecca is truely blessed by God. I am sure that God must be quite moved and pleased by the intensity of prayer and worship that rises from Earth to heaven from Mecca. I am Catholic and I have similar feelings when I go to pray to God at St. Joseph’s Oratory, at the top of Mt. Royal in Montreal. In fact your article reminded me that I should go and pray to God sometime soon at the Oratory, as it has been too long. But of course the Oratory does not have the central place, or vast importance across history in the same way as Mecca. The feelings of spirituality you experienced at Mecca must be overwhelming. So your religion is very fortunate to have a place that is so central — where people can go and instantly be overwhelmed by the greatness of God, - Jack (in Montreal) 19. Mezba said: September 24th, 2006 at 11:08 pm

Mashallah those are great thoughts and pictures. Always planned to go on hajj soon, now those thoughts are strengthened. I thought the sauds didnt allow pilgrims to take pictures? But anyways, thanks for sharing. 20. Safiyyah said: September 25th, 2006 at 5:39 pm

Thanks for all your comments. I pray that we are all given the opportunity to make this journey. In response to Mezba and Adnan, the only photo to which this question applies is the ka’bah photo, as the other mosque photos were taken outside. To be honest, I wasn’t aware that this was official mosque policy in Mecca. I didn’t see any sign indicating that cameras are not permitted, or I wouldn’t have brought the camera into the mosque. In any case, I was rarely ever checked when I went to the mosque in Mecca, since I routinely went at 2 a.m. or well before any of the prayer times, and the officials at the door seemed lax at those times of day. But it seemed to me that the rules were rather arbitrary. I saw a lady explain to the official at the door that she really needed to eat that sandwich in her bag, and she was let through. I was prevented from entering because, among my many purchases that day, I had a box of packaged ma’mool that I wasn’t even intending to open. Why didn’t you go through another door, my friend asked when I told her what had happened. I hadn’t thought of it, but if I had, I wouldn’t have been pouting in my hotel room because I’d missed the congregational Dhuhr prayer. I have heard though (and noticed too) that it is common practice for women to sit together in large groups and break their fast with food at sunset in the mosque itself. There are many such examples, but suffice to say that it is hard to take the officials seriously when they are ordering women making tawaaf to cover their faces, or shooing women away from the ka’bah floor near prayer time. It’s simple enough to just bypass them and find some other way to do whatever it was one wants to do. I suppose it’s just a different society, and rules don’t seem to mean as much there. But I didn’t take any such photos in Medina because it was clear to me there that it was forbidden. I was checked, even frisked, each and every time I entered the Prophet’s mosque, and I was asked too whether I had a camera with me. They even prevented people from entering if their cell phones had cameras on it, so they were searching rather carefully. 21. yaser said: September 25th, 2006 at 11:26 pm

i envy you. can’t wait till i get to go someday. 22. Faraz said: September 26th, 2006 at 2:16 am

Personally, I think they should prevent people from carrying their cellphones even if they didn’t have cameras. It always saddened me when I would see people making tawaf or sa’y chatting away on their cellphone. I didn’t mention it earlier, because so many other people did, but seriously, that post was actually one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read in the English language.

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23. Mohammed said: September 26th, 2006 at 11:11 am

I agree with the comment above. You could get this published, it’s that good. 24. Brian said: September 26th, 2006 at 9:16 pm

No matter what one’s faith, this was a beautiful and poignant account of spirituality. I feel inspired. 25. Saly said: September 28th, 2006 at 10:03 am

Beautiful post. Mashallah,Mashallah, Mashallah. I’m crying right now. Thank you so much for such a beautiful post. Sorry, I have no words to describe how I feel. 26. Em said: September 28th, 2006 at 10:35 pm

Ma Sha Allah, Ma Sha Allah. May Allah accept your du’a for you to return, Amin! 27. Adnan Siddiqi said: October 3rd, 2006 at 12:19 am

Saffiyah thanks for explaination. Acha I was never checked by masjid officials in Medinah may be because I never carried any kind of bag. Yes people did carry mobile all the time in both harams. 28. SAFspace » Gender Relations, Sex and Perversion: The Dark Underside of Saudi Arabia said: October 13th, 2006 at 8:45 pm

[…] he Dark Underside of Saudi Arabia I’ve written at length about how deeply my umrah trip affected me. I want to switch gears a little bit and write today of the strange […] 29. Shariq said: November 30th, 2006 at 12:02 pm

Salaam to all. I came across this blog space for the first time yesterday when a friend of mine actually emailed me about the article about ‘Gender relations, Sex and Perversion’ he somehow came across while browsing the net. I then searched the internet to find the source of the blog and came across this website. I dont know if posting my opinion is OK to you all or not. However, I felt this urge to make my commeents about the two articles I read. the above mentioned article and the other titled ‘Here I am, My Lord…..’. I must say that reading the article about your Umrah moved me a lot and I was almost in tears. Although I have unfortunately not been to Umrah or Hajj myself but I have imagined myself standing in front of the magnifying presence of the Kabah numerous times and the very thought of being there in that sacred space has brought tears in my eyes. Insha Allah, I will be able to make it there soon. Thank you for the great pictures and the wonderful description of your experience in such beautiful words. may Allah accept your prayers and your Umrah and may you have many more trips to the holy cities. While reading the other article about your observations about Saudi men’s actions and your thinking of their considering women as unequal to man, infact thinking about women as inferior to men, I had a mixed feeling. It did not come as a total surprise to me that those men must have behaved in such ways. And not only in Saudi Arabia, such things are seen to happen in many other countries, including the west and in the Indian Subcontinent. I would certainly fall short of saying that all men are the same, but having said that, it raises a question that arent all men the same when it comes to thinking about women?. May be the entire ‘MAN’kind can be categorised into 3 different parts. One, those who actually do what you saw them doing in the holy cities, or even more criminal things. The second group, those who think about women as objects of sex but fall short of acting upon those thoughts and the third group, those who are pious people who seriously and genuinely refrain from such thinking and resulting actions. While talking to a friend of mine about this, he used a very appropriate term which in urdu is ‘Sharm or Haya’- A state of mind that refrains an individual from taking actions harmful to himself and to the society out of his own conscience. in other words refrains himself from falling in the trap of the Sahytan. In other words, refraining himself from doing something unacceptable to Allah and His prophet due to the ‘Fear of Allah’ or Allah’s consciousness in one’s heart and mind. the Arabic word could be ‘Taqwa’. This ofcourse applies to both men and women. Going back to the categories, I would say most men fall in the second category. Meaning there is potential to move up to the third or the Pious category or deteriorate to the First category. Unfortunately most men today slip through to the first category and are bold enough to carry out actions which they now and the society they live in consider to be OK. This is an argument which every man reading this blog has a right to object. there are ofcoourse many men who Allah choose to enlighten and they reverse the path of their lives and become completely different human beings, which sometimes surprises me. But such is the power of enlightenment which is beyond human comprehension. I think if people were not to control their actions, they would do it even if the woman was fully covered from head to toe.

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30. Shariq said: November 30th, 2006 at 12:10 pm

In continuation of the above comments I also wanted to add before I pressed ‘Enter’ by mistake, that “Religion, especially Islam, could be used as an access to learn modesty and controlled actions and ofcourse as a way to imbibe the fear/ consciousness of Allah in an individual. The Saudi men in Saffiyah’s article would have done the same anywhere they would go if there was no fear of Allah and men with conscience would refrain from doing the same anywhere they would go as well. may Allah guide us all to the ‘Straight Path’. 31. Scott said: November 30th, 2006 at 1:09 pm

Would you not reason that it is greater to do good for the sake of doing good then it is to do good for the sake “Fear of Allah”. It seems as though doing good in the world as a means to prevent personal persecrution in the afterlife is frankly selfish. I am hopeful that much the world chooses to do good in the interest of other people rather then in one’s own personal interest. If the latter is true, personally I would feel humanity is morally bankrupt. 32. Scott said: November 30th, 2006 at 1:12 pm

Would you not reason that it is greater to do good for the sake of doing good then it is to do good for the sake of “Fear of Allah”? It seems as though doing good in the world as a means to prevent personal persecrution in the afterlife is frankly selfish. I am hopeful that the majority of the world chooses to do good in the interest of other people rather then in one’s own personal interest. If the latter is true, personally I would feel humanity is morally bankrupt. 33. Shariq said: November 30th, 2006 at 2:21 pm

I am a fairly new blogger and the above comments were one of my first. So obviouly, i was a bit nervous about anyone reading my comments and that someone would actually comment on them was a far thought. So thanks to all those who read my comment and specially to those who took time out to commnet back. Well , to think about it broadly, an individual’s actions would eventually be good or bad for that individual as well as for the other person or for the society as a whole anyway. I wrote the above points thinking about my own correction rather than how it would effect others. If you think about life as an examination, you would obvioulsy think about the consequences of failing or passing and it will be your own actions that you would be concerned about. But now I realise, as I write this comment, that I will be judged not only on my own actions that affected me but also on how my actions or words affected other people around me. That brings me in a position of being a responsible human being. Responsible both for myself as well as others. And when I realise that i have to be responsible for others the question of being selfish completely disappears. because you are then trying to mend your own ways as well as of others (though I would not like the reader to think that I am assuming the right to impose my ideas or practices on other people, including those who are close to me like my spouse or children). Collective good is what I mean to say which would involve coming together and thinking of ways that lead to actions that are good for everyone as a whole. Thinking about the hereafter or afterlife is nothing but a personal motivating factor for me and for many other people to carry out good actions and simply thinking about the affects of your actions on yourself and on other people because of the ‘Fear of Allah’ doesn’t make you selfish. It infact makes you more un-selfish. Doesn’t this place ‘Fear of Allah’ and Unselfishness on the same side of the coin? 34. Scott said: November 30th, 2006 at 7:12 pm

Thanks for replying to my question, hopefully this leads to a healthy debate. I am not denying that Deities can be used as a useful tool to spread goodwill in the world. That is without question and frankly beside the point. Conversely I was pointing to what the inherent underlying motivation was for people’s actions. Therefore the question I am asking in its most simple form is what is the most noble? If people are only doing good to ensure personal salvation in the afterlife then what does that say about us as people? If the basis of people’s moral compass is simply to please the great surveillance camera in the sky then I would hasten that is a pretty contemptible reason to be good. Doing good is its own reward and is in its purest sense the most noble. 35. Baraka said: December 7th, 2006 at 3:32 pm

Salaam, Subhan-Allah! Beautifully written - it made me weep. Umrah mubarik, may its baraka infuse your life long after you’ve returned.

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36. Fahad Shaikh said: December 24th, 2006 at 11:48 pm

Salam Safiyah. I was just just searching for peoples’ experiences on Hajj and came across your Blog. I dont know how to say this, but your words really touched me. I have never read someone narrate their experience the way you did. I am going for Hajj tommorow and just wanted to say you have been blessed with a way of words and as long as you dont mind I look forward to your blogs in the future. Salam, Fahad Shaikh 37. kimya said: December 27th, 2006 at 9:56 am

Salaam, Safiyya I was just reminded of my own Hajj experience a year ago, deep and emotive imagery brought forth by this beautiful rendering of you Umrah, Mashallah! I hope that the months succeeding your journey have been immensely fulfilling and that the soul-nourishment that you received continue to sustain you into eternity! You write superbly movingly and I hope to read more of your works as time progresses, inshallah! Kind Regards From South Africa 38. Yusuf said: December 27th, 2006 at 9:57 am

What an inspiring article. You make us all regret for not being there. On a side note, Medinah does seem to be much more organized then Mecca. 39. Yusuf said: December 27th, 2006 at 10:05 am

Oh, and I forgot to add, the duas you make when you first see the ka’ba, you’ll remember them for the rest of your life. I had two friends who accompanied me by the ka’aba, and since they had previously performed Umrah, they allowed me to open my eyes right infront of the ka’ba. Ah, beautiful memories… 40. iMuslim said: December 27th, 2006 at 10:07 am

Salaams Safiyyah, mashallah, i cannot add to the favourable comments above. I just pray that Allah accepts your Umrah and other deeds and forgives you for any shortcomings. I went for Hajj in 2004. Now Hajj time has returned i have thought about sharing some of my experience, but i do not think i could come close to truly expressing what it was like. Two of the best moments of my short life were on Hajj. The first was with my Creator on Arafat and the second was with a fellow muslim during my Tawaaf-az-Ziyarah. I think i will keep the Arafat one to myself, because it is too special to share and i don’t wish to pollute it with corrupt intentions of showing off, which i know i am capable off, astagfirullah. However the second was so amazing it brings tears to my eyes when i describe it to anyone… inshallah i’ll try and write about it on my blog this week! Wa’salam sister Thoughts, rants and passions of a young Muslim woman seeking soulful enlightenment in cyberspace.

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