HC Come Home to Yourself

make your home a soul oasis!

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Come Home to Yourself

An inspirational self-help book using Interior Design and Life Coaching tools Limited edition for BoConcept By Kirsten Steno

Title: www.House-Coach.com by Kirsten Steno Graphic editing: Claus Bradsted, www.Image-Factory.dk Editor: Diana Soloman, www.MyVADiana.com Printed by: Zeuner Grafisk, Odder Cover illustration: Lydia Wienberg, www.WienbergDesign.eu Photo ©: Jean-Francois JAUSSAUD/ LUXPRODUCTIONS.COM Jens Erik Bæk, www.HighwayStudio.dk Claus Bradsted, www.Image-Factory.dk Jonas Ahlstrøm, www.JonasFotografi.dk Diana Lovring, www.DianaLovring.com BoConcept, www.BoConcept.com Text and design: ©Kirsten Steno 2013 1st limited edition for BoConcept July 2013 "How to Find Out Who You Really Are" by Anne Lamott. Copyright © 2009, Anne Lamott, originally published in 'O' Magazine, used by permission of The Wylie Agency (UK) Limited. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer helpful information of a general nature. It is your right to use any of the information in this book for yourself; the author and BoConcept assume no responsibility for your actions.

CONTENT What is a House-Coach? Why BoConcept, House-Coaching and Me? Get to know Kirsten Steno The Power Of Home When Do You Need a House-Coach in Your Life? Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl Boy, Girl, Plus Baby My own Story The Challenges of the Single Parent Our Story How to be a Happy Patchwork Family The Guardians of Things Young at heart Pathfinder Vision Board Thank You RESOURCE: Tool Box

4 6 10 12 17 29 41 53 63 73 87 97 111 123 128 130

Karen Blixen: Babette’s Feast and Other Anecdotes of Destiny

“our longing is our pledge, and blessed are the homesick for they shall come home.” 4

What is a House-Coach? Home and Life Coach equals House-Coach. The pronunciation is deliberately close to “house-coat,” a comfortable and very private object of clothing. You allow very few people to see you in a house-coat! But it represents your body’s “comfort zone.” I am a House-Coach, a certified Martha Beck Life Coach and interior designer for 25 years. The more I work with people in their homes the more I realize House-Coaching has developed in answer to a powerful voice of restlessness from deep within us. That voice calls out for Home, it yearns for Home, and for belonging, for safety and peace. House-Coaching is the cure for feeling “Homesick-at-Home” and is the end to “longing for life in your life.” I, myself, used to be so discontented, always wanting to live somewhere else with another version of my lover or another version of my own body. I wanted another job, more money, and better health. In fact, I was “homesick” in my life. In my mind all I could see was lack. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize then that I already had so much for which to be grateful! I have changed the major course of my life as many times as I have moved. And that’s a lot! Small changes in my personal life (weight loss, job loss, etc.) have immediately and unconsciously been expressed in my home with new decorations, new colors or by rearranging the furniture. The more I expressed those changes, the better I felt about my home. And the better I felt about myself. That is because Home equals Me. And Home equals You! (Read why in “The Power of Home” chapter). I now experience the bliss of living in freedom and gratitude and would love to help you move away from unhappiness and into gratitude, too.

How do you do this? By understanding and loving who you really are and realizing what home really is: a metaphor for You and how you feel inside. Once you truly accept and love who you are in the present, you can learn to fully appreciate where you live right now and find joy in life and in “nesting.” Please bear in mind that coaching is not therapy or counseling, although it is relationship-based and confidential. So, how is it different? Basically, life coaches (and I as a House-Coach) work with the conscious mind, while therapists work with the unconscious mind. Therapists and psychologists work with deeper psychological issues, and need to delve deeply into the past. Coaches help healthy people be the best they can be, while therapists often work with a state of poor mental health, even pathology. (Although it’s true that many people invest in therapy simply to learn about themselves and push themselves to growth.) I am not a therapist, and I often refer a client to a professional when I recognize issues that need deeper work than coaching provides. But for most people, House-Coaching is very powerful and even life-changing! I encourage you to make the place you live the place you love. I hope you’ll find inspiration from the following stories of people I have coached from all over the world, many of whom are sharing the same life and home challenges you have, right now. I sincerely hope the coaching tools and interior design ideas I have learned and invented will help you see yourself and your home with new compassionate eyes. Start loving who you are, and where you live for real – forever!

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Why BoConcept, House-Coaching and Me? I met the CEO of BoConcept, Torben Paulin, by pure coincidence. I was rushing to a scheduled press meeting with BoConcept and the Danish press in Herning, the location of the head office. I was a bit late... So on two wheels I spun into the parking lot, just as Torben was climbing out of his car. I had delivered Trend Talks in Denmark for some months, but didn’t know anything about BoConcept International or what their CEO looked like. So I just pulled up next to the first approachable human being I saw to ask where the press meeting was taking place! He shook his head. “No, there isn’t any meeting today,” he told me, with a confident air, sounding sure of this fact. I insisted and even showed him my I-phone. “See, look, it’s the right date.” He reached for my cell phone, enlarged the invitation and said, “Yeah, it is today, but it’s in Copenhagen...” Well. How silly did I feel? I was stunned and all I could do was recite a popular TV commercial for a well-known company. It mocks people who need glasses but refuse to buy them, then make funny mistakes. And regret it! “Should have gone to ’X’!” I mimicked the commercial, and we both had a good laugh. Then I went on, a bit ruefully, “Well, no worries. At least I wasn’t the speaker – wouldn’t THAT have been terrible?” We laughed again. Waving him good-bye and thanking him for his help, I drove off, heading home to prepare for a Trend Talk I was giving that evening near my hometown. Once at the venue, who should arrive but Torben and his wife? As it turned out, they lived 15 minutes from my home.

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I launched into my first public Trend Talk on House-Coaching, a few months after passing my exam as a Martha Beck Life Coach. And it went so well! I was fired up and impassioned as I shared my desire to help people with this system. The audience laughed and cried and it was a wonderful night for all of us. At the end Torben came up to me, a big smile on his face, and shook my hand. After chuckling again about our meeting in the parking lot, he had a question for me. ”Why don’t I know about you? Have you published your new book yet?” I replied, “No, not yet.” And then I had my third surprise of the day. “We’d love to publish your book, with a world tour to sign books, and we need you to teach our Interior Consultants about House-Coaching!” “OK. Oh, my, uh…. Who are you???” I stumbled and stuttered, feeling wowed and a bit confused at the same time. He handed me his business card. Without my glasses on (should really have gone to “X”) I could see the title: “CEO, BoConcept.” I gasped, but tried to be cool! Oh my, this was a match made in “Home-Heaven”! Since then I have given my House-Coaching tools to those who teach new interior designers at the BoConcept Academy. I have given Trend Talks in several countries, and the result has always been the same. Whether in the USA or Europe, “Homesick-at-Home” feels just the same to everyone. After my talks many in the audience approach me, give me a hug, look into my eyes through visible tears and share a few of their homelife secrets. I am more than happy to hug them back and give them a dedicated moment of my life, just so grateful my words could begin to set them free.

I am also deeply grateful for the opportunity BoConcept has given me: this chance to spread the good news and help people. My job is to help my clients understand why they feel so stuck, so lost, so lonely or so homesick, and to help them create a lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring life and home. Alone I can only reach a few people, even via Skype worldwide, but with the support of BoConcept and the publication of this book I can reach many people everywhere. There are so many people in a state of transition who need to know they are not alone and that there is an answer. There is more than hope, there is a way forward! I hope you’ll enjoy this book yourself and give a copy to a friend, someone who is in the midst of his or her own challenges, the type these chapters describe. I hope you’ll find freedom and joy in decorating your home and through that home create the life you were meant to live. You may connect and resonate with the spiritual themes throughout the book, or you may not. But either way, the tools and concepts I present are functional, timely, and quite simply, powerful. Life changing, in fact. They worked for me, for friends, colleagues and many clients. And they will work for you.

The second and very important reason I am publishing this limited edition for BoConcept is to support and recommend the wonderful people I have met everywhere in BoConcept’s stores – no matter the country. They shine in a special, dedicated way. They want to sell you their products, of course; it’s their art and their way to make a living. But above all they truly want to help you “come home.” They want you to maximize what you buy by incorporating new furniture and accessories with those you already own and love at home. The BoConcept interior decorators (or Consultants might be more precise) are being taught how to employ these House-Coaching tools, some of which you’ll find in this book. I am very fortunate to be working with such lovely people, with such brilliant management and with such lovely furniture! Welcome home! Love Kirsten Steno

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I also enjoy working with BoConcept, because they represent every step of the home cycle. Here you have a wonderful example of "Boy, Girl, plus Baby" in the home of the designer Karim Rashid, who lives in New York. This room and garden is colorful, creative and fun to look at. It must be fun to live in! He has won many prestigious design awards (as you can see on his website www.karimrashid.com) and this year, 2013, he received the “Red Dot Award” for BoConcept with his design, “Ottawa Collection.” 

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Get to know Kirsten Steno In Denmark, her country of origin, where Danish Design has been part of her life for more than 30 years, Kirsten is known for her empathetic approach to interior design. She always focuses on the heart’s desires of her client, aiming to uncover the feelings behind the thoughts that keep them from living a fulfilling life in a happy home. After going through her fair share of catalytic life events, she published her first self-help book on interior design, Home with a Heart in 2008. It became very popular, in part due to the shock of the worldwide “Regression.” Many people were hit hard and still feel lost with regard to home and family. Kirsten’s great gift to her clients is her wealth of shortcuts and tools to lead them home to a life filled with Love Peace and Harmony. Her clients may have little money or a great deal – either way, Kirsten’s ideas are always very creative! Over the last 20 years, she helped decorate more than 1,800 homes, offices, hotels, companies and cottages all over Europe – in her heartfelt manner! She has owned her own interior design furniture shop and her “Heart to Heart” sales techniques help many corpora-

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tions, including BoConcept and their interior decorators and sales personnel, to offer a more authentic approach to satisfying their customers. After her bout with cancer, and reading many brilliant self-help books, she decided to become a life coach, herself. She is a now a certified Martha Beck Life Coach who combines her teachings with interior design. As the only global “House-Coach,” she decided to write a book of the same name. By using modern technology, she now helps clients all over the world; via phone, laptop or I-pad she pays her clients “a visit” and helps them create better homes and lives for themselves, whether alone, with partners and/or children. Kirsten will be delivering Trend Talks with BoConcept all over the world and spreading the good news of House-Coaching. People everywhere need to know they can come Home to where they live, and Home to themselves! Next on her agenda is the publication of a spiritual self-help book that will benefit churches worldwide. For more information, read about “Pay It Forward – Home Ministries” on her website: www.house-coach.com.

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Anne Lamott

“To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.”

Kirsten Steno

“To love home as it is is a miracle, and to seek home is to have found home, for now and now is all we have, and love is what home is”. 12

©Lorena Siminovich

The Power Of Home It’s all about love! I understood this a long time ago in my heart but couldn’t name it, until I read this poem and replaced the concept of You with Home: Therefore, if you make a choice to accept that wherever you live right now is Home and to accept that whoever you are in this moment is You and love both, you find the pearls of Love, Peace and Harmony (something of a mantra in this book!). You have indeed found a true miracle. Do you want to change your life situation? Begin by changing your home! Do you want to change your home situation? Begin by changing your attitudes! After decorating countless homes over the last 20 years, I now know this solution inevitably works both ways. This explains why we humans have for centuries changed our interior decor, bought cushions and paintings, and moved furniture around! People often rearrange furniture, plants and paintings when they’re restless and feel the need for change. The truth is, they really long to move forward, or grow inwardly. I regularly experience those yearnings. How about you?

Have you experienced the power of Home? Wherever there is Love, Peace and Harmony within the four walls we inhabit, that home becomes a “power station.” Your batteries recharge when you enter your front door. You long for home when you’ve been away for too long. Your life and work life outside your home can be stimulating and rewarding, but often interacting with other people can be draining. Life inside your four walls with small children and a spouse can be draining, too, but that’s another story. (I’ll address this common issue later in the chapter entitled, “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby,” where there is such a profound need to create a Sanctuary at Home). When a life crisis hits, a tired, confused and heartbroken soul always longs for comfort and a safe place to hide. Home, in the truest and best sense of the concept, means comfort and safety. What if for many years you used your home to display an image of success? You started a family, it grew and then bam, suddenly nothing felt right or good anymore! Divorce? Move? New job? New furniture – yeah...

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But stop! How about defining what makes you feel happy, warm and joyful? What are the life core values in your home? What are the life core values for your life? I have a hunch I know what they are, because deep down inside all humans yearn for the same things. I will share this with you in every chapter of this book. When you know your personal answers to these questions and the answers are reflected in your home, then your soul will settle and heal. Your life will change for the better – I guarantee it! If the place you live is not the place you love, and being there feels like an itchy woolen sweater or like being naked and transparent, then, my dear reader, you are “Homesick-at-Home.” And existing without a lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring home is exhausting and painful! I know how terrible that is and how hard it is to be alienated from your own soul. I’ve been there myself: divorced, a single mom, poor and living in an ugly, expensive, rented apartment. At that time I was decorating homes for wealthy clients, trying to give them what I thought I couldn’t give myself. I didn’t realize I too could have the same feelings of Love, Peace, and Harmony even without having the “right house,” or their income. I just needed to search within to discover what made me happy, what soothed my soul, and what comforted me. And then to surround myself with a few well-chosen pieces of furniture, accessories and colors to continue to soothe myself. Every day. I realized I was sick and tired of being an “ordinary” interior designer! At the end of the majority of my meetings with wealthy clients, my patience ran out and I wanted to smack them hard with their expensive cushions, when they couldn’t decide on a lamp, a dining chair or a color. Today I know better and they have my compassion. I think God showed me how shallow we can all be. For decades we have practiced home decoration in a materialistic and image-driven way. I began to understand and experience empathy for these “poor rich women.” Underneath the demanding behavior was real unhappiness, real need, real longing. They too are often just helpless souls looking for Love, Peace, and Harmony in their lives. They have lost themselves and are desperately seeking Home. Now I take the time to listen, until I uncover the limiting thoughts which cause them such pain. I can help all people, rich or poor or in between, as a HouseCoach, and the changes they make in their homes will inevitably change their lives.

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Home is You. The Power of Home is your own power. “Homesick” actually means “You-Sick”! When you play with the interiors of your home, you play hide-and-seek with your own personality. You test what makes you happy. You display what is meaningful to you and you give yourself this gift: Love equals Safe Self-Expression. Children only play when they feel safe; some need very little from the outside world to feel safe and others need a great deal. This behavior continues through adolescence and into adulthood. Even as grown-ups most of us are only able to be creative when we’re safe, and in order to feel safe, we all have different needs. This is always very apparent in the way we decorate our homes. Some people require a lot of things around them to feel safe and comfortable, while others need very little. So a hoarder and a minimalistic person are both longing for safety. If you have forgotten how to be joyful and playful, it will show in your home. A prime example is a decor style I call “Shades of Grey,” employing a very strict and minimalistic mix of decors and furniture. I’ve seen a thousand homes like that and feel it is a tragedy of our time. We work far too much; we are stuck behind the computer and stuck to the belief that work is hard and no fun. Some of my clients even share the feeling that taking care of a home and family is an ongoing nightmare. Women have always felt they are supposed to be good at creating lovely, peaceful and comfortable homes for their families. Yet I have helped many female clients who did not know how to nest. At dinner parties they would rather sit with “the boys” talking business, finance or politics than “ooh” and “ah” over decor, baking, or crafts. They don’t get the whole Martha Stewart thing and feel like outcasts. I have orchestrated many anonymous “fixes” for these clients! The ultimate Decorator and Creator is God! Imagine how much fun He had, and still has, designing each

human, plant and animal using thousands of colors, textures and forms. I am awe-struck when I contemplate God’s creativity in the design of our home, Planet Earth. Just look at the color scheme on a beach or in a rose garden! Out of pure love and joy He has given each of us unique DNA – a trademark, if you will. And with this physical DNA, I truly believe we also have been given emotional DNA, a GPS system to help us find God’s plan for our lives. Living out our true destiny we find what we all eventually strive for: Love, Peace, and Harmony. Honor His creation. Give yourself that special home full of loving energy, no matter the building, the location, and no matter if you have little money or plenty! Give yourself that special attention and love, no matter how you look or what your social status might be right now. Try one wall covered with photos and quotes that feed your soul and make you happy. It can so often do the trick! Dive into the creation of a “Pathfinder Vision Board” (see the “Tool box” at the end of the book) and you may follow God’s GPS coordinates to find your magical life. I know. This was my personal experience, and that of many of my clients. I am merely an interior decorator among thousands, who saw “the light.” I had lost my identity, my home, and almost lost my sanity! Read the chapter on my spiritual journey (on my website) and you will understand why I had to go through this process. I believe it was in order to “Pay it Forward,” to be able to help you, or someone you know who is suffering at home. Read on and I will share with you what I have learned through this process. You too will soon be viewing the world from a safe and contented state of mind and a love-filled heart. You will be living in a home which radiates comfort and peace. From this safe place you will receive the strength to face everyday challenges and attract the life you were meant to live. When living out the purpose of your life, being content with who You are, you become a role model to others. In fact, “coming home to yourself ” is the greatest gift you can ever give the world. Let’s teach the next generation that table-setting is less important than table conversations, good food, wine and candles. Let’s finally and forever understand that cushions on a sofa are meant to be there for comfort! They can be pleasurable, soft in texture, and bring joy to a living room with their colors and patterns. Cushions are not supposed to stand in a row like soldiers in some “cushion battalion” telling people to back off! I’m sure you all know what a “house-coat” is: a

comfy bathrobe or dressing gown you wear at home when you are relaxed. Let me be your house-coat for a while. You can wrap yourself in this book! You will find inspirational stories and ideas for you to follow, to help you change your life and your home, perhaps after a life crisis or to help prevent one. You will find chapters that call to your own heart. But you will also find chapters that may refer to someone you know and love – so spread the good news! The plan is to learn as much as you can about yourself while you live in your “temporary home,” which in the end, all homes are! Our home is to us what the cocoon is to a butterfly: a safe place to evolve into the astonishing creatures we were all meant to become. My heart is bleeding for those I cannot help, where “Home” is the park they sleep in and the “bed” is a bench. Those whose interior design fits into a shopping cart or trolley. I am donating a percentage of the profits of this book to church communities who can do what I cannot do for them: provide a physical shelter and a loving community! Now is the time for us to understand the importance and the power of creating a home where our souls can be restored. Then we can play our part in the restoration of the ultimate Home, Mother Earth. Let us heal the world, one person, one thought, one room at a time. Now is the perfect time to begin Now is all we have...

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if you don't like where you are, then change it. you are not a tree 16

When Do You Need a House-Coach in Your Life? You can be the TV Star of your own make-over show. What Carson does for women in Carson City, and what Trinny and Susanna do for men and women all over the world is show them how to view themselves with compassionate eyes. They help them dissolve those thoughts that kill their self-esteem. A happy Cinderella gains or regains lost confidence with new hair and clothes. The experts help her to enhance the beautiful aspects of her human body and hide the less attractive bits! In TV shows such as “Extreme Makeover,” designers like Tye and his team perform similar magic with new

habitats, gardens, furniture and colors. And Nate Berkus does the same in Oprah’s productions with the lucky home owners. These people tear up as they describe a life tumbled out of control. But a House-Coach knows what is lurking behind a cluttered home, a cluttered life, and that loss of control! It is those hidden troubling pieces that need to be addressed. Here are common scenarios – do any of these resonate with you?

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Combining Homes?

Living with someone else can be a real challenge. Boy meets girl, and opposites attract. One is nostalgic and can’t let go, while the other takes to secretly throwing stuff away. The arguing begins: about money, space in the cupboards and closets, and the sharing of domestic tasks. Who’s doing what too often? There is an overflowing inbox drawer or bowl... A whole house can become one giant “inbox”! Everyone has been there at some point. I have too, I assure you. Let me in. To help you before it’s too late! Together we’ll figure out what is really important for each of you. Then you will be ready to start a family, and then you’ll behave like a grown up and love will be strong and flexible. You’ll need that. It’s about being honest with yourself, finding a way back to what you can do to make

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yourself happy and finding ways to play more with your “playmate” both in and outside home. There may be no need to dump the partner when you think everything has been said and done. The two of you can fall in love again. But it requires that you re-invent yourself and fall in love with yourself for the first time, or all over again! We can use your home to get there!

Young Family?

Having a young family with small children and endless, unfinished tasks can be daunting. You started out as Romeo and Juliet, with a small nest, and perhaps there was a wedding. It was all marvelous! Then the picture evolved to include a child and a house with a garden that needed some re-modeling. Time raced past. When both careers took off, you had only completed 50% of all you had planned. And now you are facing half-finished projects wherever you turn! You thought it would never happen to you! Maybe it feels even worse than that to you. Maybe after years of marriage it is not only the unfinished projects that plague you. Maybe the house and the spouse, as well, are only 50% of want you wanted. And the worst of it? You feel that you are only 50% of what you thought you’d be! Are you fighting all the time? Do your constant topics revolve around what needs to be changed in your home, in your life, in your kid’s and your partner’s life? You are not embracing your mutual “imperfections” and this is sadly mirrored in your home. Kids’ vividly colored toys are scattered everywhere, as a regular reminder that they have so much more space and receive so much more attention than the adults.

You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, and get smart, when it comes to tidying a home. Home has become a battlefield, where the war can only end if both parties satisfy their “underlying interests” in the mediation process. This resembles Israel/Palestine, with two “countries” trying to dominate the same territory! And the result is guerilla warfare. You begin to wonder if divorce and moving would solve it all. So many go that route, so why not you? There is no love in your heart when you look at your partner. There is no love when you drive home and see your house. There is no love when you look in the mirror. There’s no time for fun anymore, you envy your own kids, and suddenly resentment rules your life. Let me in. I will give you the tools that will replace the “blame game” with fun and love at home and in your lives! One of my adapted tools is called “Get the Damn Things Done,” which helps you give up the lonely fight and ask friends and family for help. It is described more fully later in the book and summarized in the Tool box at the end.

Here is an intentional grown-up home. There is room for kids to play, but with a plan to keep you sane as parents and lovers, instead of the kids taking over every single room of the home! They can play in the rooms, but with the right storage furniture it can be easy to tidy up before dinner, when it’s “grown-up time.”

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Divorced?

And on your own again? No matter what is coming at you (and this is your choice!) you can learn through pain or peace. If the “territorial fight” was never resolved and it came to war, ending your marriage, then love and your daily life has gone. It feels terrible. And it is painful to choose a living space out of need with a soul that absolutely refuses to settle in. Just as I did, many of my clients live with un-packed cardboard boxes for months, even years, marked only with a pen to show what is stored in them. Often single parents never seem to have the energy to do simple tasks like installing lamps, so they live in darkness – a metaphor for their state of mind. Let me in: Let me help you turn on the light in your mind, in your heart and in your home. The good news is if you stop resisting the process, you will be a caterpillar in a cocoon with the chance to morph into a beautiful butterfly. It is a true metamorphosis: “The Butterfly Metaphor”! Whenever major change happens in your life, (falling in love, breaking up, getting or losing a job, having children or emptying the nest, etc.) you go through several stages as you recover. The first horrible phase feels like dying; you feel you have lost your identity, you don’t know where you fit anymore. In this phase of complete

meltdown you are completely dissolving in the cocoon. Yes, it is painful and feels like forever when you are in it. But when this first period of meltdown has passed, you can breathe again and you’re ready to Dare to Dream. Your mind’s eye starts seeing images of the life you are about to create. You’re becoming a new person, and you’ll develop traits and interests your old self didn’t have. You may feel compelled to change your hairstyle or wardrobe, or redecorate your living space. Re-forming your life, like anything new, complex, and important, inevitably brings up problems you didn’t expect. That’s why, to make our dreams come true, you often need the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull. But in this stage, even if you’ve tested some of your dreams and failed, you’re willing to fight for your freedom. Then in the third phase of metamorphosis, you emerge as the New Unique You, a butterfly, beautiful and strong! I’ll be with you, cheering you on, helping you to love yourself and have hope for your future, as you learn to live up to your fullest potential in the present. What to Do? Enjoy! You’ve just negotiated a scary and dramatic transformation, and you deserve to savor your new identity. Spend time every day focusing on gratitude for your success. And fair warning: Know that another Change is just around the bend

We never know how long temporary is? Refusing to unpack and install yourself is understandable, when you didn't want to leave the former home in the first place! Imagine yourself on a journey and these are your suitcases...coming to a nice hotel and unpacking your clothes in the closets and drawers instead of living out of the suitcase (moving boxes). You're staying for a month at least, so make this transition as comfortable for yourself as possible.

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Single Parent in a Temporary Home?

Single parents in temporary homes handle unique challenges: shared kids’ rooms, a sense of the transitory for all involved, confusion, and too much newness! So, how do you find “compassion with heart” in these situations? I have been a single parent for many years, and through readers of my Danish book and my global House-Coaching via Skype, I have met countless single parents dealing with these issues. An unpleasant feeling of being unsettled is the main problem, because the single parent doesn’t want to stay in this life. Does this apply to you? This attitude influences your living space. Perhaps your kids live in divided rooms, such as inhabiting a corner in a big messy all-purpose room. Often teenagers sleep on a sofa, carrying their belongings in a sports bag, never really unpacking. “Why bother?” they cry. I call them “Modern Nomads” and I pray they will heal their broken hearts and be able to form real homes as adults. Let me in. I will help you realize that the few nights your children spend with you must be filled with Love, Peace and Harmony. And fun! My tools offer great ways to spend time and ideas on which to focus instead of remaining stuck in the past. For example, it’s a good idea to ask friends and family for help; try the “Get the Damn Things Done” tool. It works beautifully

in groups, too. (For more info, see the Tool Box at the end of the book). One day, you’ll find true love in yourself and thus attract another partner. When the moving truck is standing outside your empty apartment, you will close and lock the door for the last time and hear your kids yelling joyfully for you to hurry up. With a grateful tear you’ll whisper a “thank you” for the immeasurable teachings this place gave you and your kids.... I know I did!

Give yourself the gift of a bedroom, which will become a recharger for your soul… Look, now even the cat wants to sleep here….

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Patchwork Family or LAT?

Are you in a “Patchwork Family” or “LAT” (Living Apart Together) situation? A Patchwork Family is best described as a new family made up from pieces of divorced families. Like a Patchwork Quilt! Living Apart Together (LAT) is the same as Patchwork: you are in a committed and intimate relationship, but you reside in different homes. So, when your days of being a single or a single parent draw to an end because you’ve found a new love in your life, often all you long to do is “merge.” But, you’re not alone and it may not be so easy. The new love comes with a package: your/his/hers children. With a new love the new-found hope of having “Family Life” again, is heaven on earth. At first. But after a while you may start disagreeing on the rules: bringing up the kids, how to handle money, how to decorate your home, etc. half of a family might have moved in with half of another family, in their home. This is the Patchwork Family scenario. Wow, possible danger: Before long, the newcomers can feel like guests in the house. There is now an elephant in the room; no one talks about it, but those who become homeless at home are miserable. Let me in. Start with tools like my “40 + 40 + 20” tool, which teaches decorating a home, with fairness to all. Sounds simple, but this guideline can save untold angst! 40% of the furniture and decor is his and 40% is hers, and they buy 20% together. In this way every child and adult from one part of the Patchwork Family can

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recognize their “old home” in bits and pieces, and vice versa. This prevents one family group from feeling they have  moved into another family’s home. (For a helpful example of the 40 + 40 + 20 tool see the chapter called “Our Story”). I know all the arguments in the whole “your kids versus mine” issue that occur during the long nights of battles. It is essential to negotiate; it is vital to find the underlying interests of all parties. Let me in. In this Patchwork Family/LAT situation, it is very helpful to grant your beloved a private space of his own in your home. And ask for the same in his house. Privacy and feeling at home even in the other home is absolutely essential to peace of mind. Another helpful idea is to create a loving family’s “Pathfinder Vision Board.” (See the Tool box at the end of the book). On this board you will place all your common goals as a couple, as a family, and make sure you add the goals for your kids. Get them involved so they feel part of the plan and the dream! I know how powerfully it works; my husband and I did it and I’ve witnessed miracles for my clients many, many times!

One small family merged with another in their home. So, new house rules must be set for everyone, including those who lived there in the first place. More people means more clothes, shoes, schoolbags and sports bags. Find creative ways to store things in the hallways that work for everyone. If you don’t, the tidy parties will soon get annoyed with the not-so-tidy parties!

Young-at-Heart?

Empty Nesters may just be the new middle age. They certainly are the “Young-at-Heart”! When you wave back at your beloved child as he heads off after the moving truck, you are torn between the tears of loss and of joy. The last one from your loving nest is embarking on his life’s adventure – it is lovely for him! For you, Mom and Dad, it’s always bittersweet. It’s the ending of a huge part of your life, and before you can see this as a beginning to a new adventure, you need to allow yourself time to grieve. (Yes, we are back to the Meltdown phase of our butterfly metamorphosis.) Remember the lovely times, remember the clutter and the fights, remember it all and sob on your son or daughter’s bed. Sob alone, sob together, and someday soon you’ll be whistling in the living room enjoying the new freedom. Let me in. I can lead you both to the excitement of this new miraculous middle age, a time in your life where you can truly be Young-at-Heart. In this wonderful time of your life, you can rediscover old dreams. Remember the time when you were turtledoves? For years those lovebirds may have been lost, hiding underneath the sofa cushions, in all the years you knitted

and watched TV in silence with your partner. You, as a couple, have so much to offer the world and each other! And it will be such a blessing for your kids to come home and visit you as adults when your home is full of life and love. We encouraged all three of our kids, once graduated, to go off and explore the world, to meet new people and fully discover their true selves. Let me help you shake up your home and give away the items that no longer make you happy. Then mix it up with new furniture and accessories as you did when you were younger. Home Sweet Home equals Life Sweet Life!

My beloved “adopted sister Helga” took her biker drivers licence at the age of 50 and she has crossed many countries with her husband and several “young at heart bikers” with their travel agency “Dream & Bike Tours”.

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Just Moved and Lost Yourself?

Did you move and felt lost in the process? How many times have you moved in your life? Twice, five times, ten times? Have you stopped counting? I have! It’s always life-changing, whether you moved “up” from a nice house to a better or bigger one, or because a new job would improve your life and it entailed a move to a new home in a new city. Perhaps you are only OK, not thrilled, with the move or with the new home. To your own surprise, you might find yourself unable to pick out cushions for your sofa, or lamps or pictures, not to mention wall colors or furniture. This is because suddenly in your mind so much is at risk. Are you afraid to spend money on something you may regret later? Does it feel as if you can’t even feel what you like at the moment? Are you overwhelmed with choices? What if you pick the wrong one? Sometimes the fear of making risky choices is transferred to an innocent cushion. You may feel stuck in the process of nesting, which used to been fun years ago. You may look for inspiration in dozens of interior design magazines, furniture stores or online, but the more you search, the more confused you get!

Let me in. We’ll reduce the sense of risk and make it safe to settle in and spend a little money or give your excess away. This is a huge opportunity to discover “Essential Home.” Like a white canvas, you add the colors and textures that please you, which feed your soul. Then one day you don’t feel the need to add anything more – or subtract anything! It is perfect; you feel it in your heart. Welcome Home! While there is not a complete chapter devoted to your situation, “Just Moved and Lost Yourself,” there are several tools to help you: Get the Damn Things Done, the Love-Hate Vision Board, and you’ll find some great advice on how to downsize playfully with the 7-3 Downsizing tool, in “My Story.” All of these tools are described in much more detail in later chapters and the Tool box at the end. Another fun tool I use myself to shift the brain from “structured mind” to “playful mind” is music. Singing or dancing to disco and salsa can take you into play mode within minutes!

Moving can be a thrill if you really wanted to move on in your life – and it can be the opposite if you don't want to leave home, where you have felt safe and loved, and because of a life changing event you are forced to! Either way – letting go and downsizing – like I did “7-3” will make the travel forward much lighter.

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Home Feels like a Jail?

When home feels like jail, you’re a “Desperate Homemaker.” If you are compulsive in your cleaning or decorating, you may also be also starving yourself from food, sex and joy. Are you stuffing yourself with food and stuffing you home with things to numb your feelings? Could you be looking for love outside yourself? The truth here: you are desperately seeking yourself. Are you afraid of dust? As a child, were you never allowed to go out and play until your room was tidy? If this is the case, then dust prevents you from playing in your life and you become a prisoner. Let me in. I can set you free from your mental dungeons! I have done it with hundreds of clients. You cannot change what you do not realize or understand. But once you do, change is easy and inevitable! Embrace your home and yourself in turtle steps; tiny moves forward will take you to your new freedom. I share stories of a mother who compulsively breaks down her son’s LEGO creation, destroying the creativity of her young designer. I share true stories of black and white homes, where colors are never added – no red, green or blue – as it would provoke panic attacks. You may smile, knowing someone who suffers from “Home Color Disorder,” but it’s a sign something is blocking joy in their lives. Embrace colors,

they are chosen from creativity! Your true state of being is being creative and having fun in life. I do not devote a complete chapter to “Home Feels like a Jail,” (Desperate Homemaker), but give a good example in the chapter entitled “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby.” Try the very effective Get the Damn Things Done tool, described there and in the Tool box at the end of the book.

Fear of colors equals “Home Color Disorder ”. But it can be cured. Life can be fun again!

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Home Office Troubles?

When you have to work from home and feel trapped, you're a “Desperate Homeworker.” You may work in a home office out of a dream to become independent and have huge success. Or it may be out of need, because you can find no job in your neighborhood. Or it may be a part time or temporary choice, while you need to stay in the home to be near your young children. For whatever reason, there is huge potential for problems. Procrastination, guilt and shame are often involved with Desperate Homeworkers. You may become both the slave to your own mind and “the worst boss you ever had,” mentally whipping yourself all day long, telling yourself how inadequate you are. Or your whole house may be at risk of becoming an inbox (mine was for years!). Or an innocent object, like a dirty plate, can be a “Transit Key” that distracts you and diverts you from your tasks. I have coached single Moms and Dads all around the world who try to take of care of kids and work from home at the same time – it is not unlike mixing water

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and oil! Visions and ambitions that once fired them up seem impossible to manifest when they are interrupted a thousand times a day! Let me in. Let me help you set boundaries for work and personal leisure. I'll guide you to trust in yourself and the goals you have set. You'll slay the oppressor in you and become a better boss, employee and colleague to yourself. And in so doing you will be much more fun to be around at home! Your family will enjoy coming home again. In recreating your office, we’ll morph it into a Sanctuary for working. You can start by creating a Pathfinder Vision Board on an entire wall and begin to see the magic happen in your life. (See the “Pathfinder Vision Board” chapter). Surround yourself with furniture and colors you love and with happy memories. At almost no cost, but with lots of focus and creativity, you'll be a happy, prosperous Homeworker! Yes, there is a way you and I can fulfill our true life purposes, and Yes, we can do this from home.

Too Much Stuff?

And you can’t let go? You're a “Guardian of Things,” a hoarder of belongings, if you have boxes and plastic bags all over your home and garage. Perhaps you can't find particular items and it frustrates you daily. Is this you? I know you may be scared of not having enough time to “go deep.” You want to have time to read all the books, papers, stories you have been keeping. The truth is, behind all this stuff you are collecting, lurks the real fear that you will never be able to indulge in the feelings behind the memories. I know your life is full of regrets. I know you may feel you've missed out on opportunities and feel it's all too late. Are you afraid what lies behind you was better than what lies ahead of you? You may have appointed yourself as the one person in your family who keeps track of beloved ancestors, by keeping piles of memories, old furniture, cups and vases, pictures and old letters. Usually you think a great deal about what other people might think or do, which can be such a heavy burden to carry around. Let me in. I wish to set you free to live your best life. We'll divide your entire home into zones and break down zones into turtle steps, so you can overcome and celebrate every tiny step you accomplish along the way to your freedom. I have met many different kinds of

Guardians and I know the thoughts and feelings which lie behind the paper, card boxes and plastic. You have to get to those thoughts and feelings in order to effect lasting change. You have to stop the “running sushi” of new things coming into your home. You know how in some sushi restaurants small plates are put on a small "treadmill" going around and around and people pick a plate? It’s never emptied because the chef continually provides new hot plates. The same is true of “de-cluttering.” If you don't realize what's going on, you think you sort and take out excess stuff, but you keep buying new stuff at a flea market. Seen from the outside it's like a never-ending treadmill! I will help you learn to love “what is” and let go of “I have to.” Only then can you let go of the excess in your home. You can sort in peace and keep only the lovely memories that are actually worth remembering! And there are other great tools: the “Sticky-Tags” tool reveals the feelings behind the paper and plastic. Because what you do not realize you cannot change! Also it is powerful to begin creating a “Happy Wall”! More about these tools later as well. (See the Tool Box at the end of the book).

The wonderful energy that Guardians of Things receive from a fresh, clean, cozy room is the boost they need to sort and let go of excessive hoarding.

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Boy: Is your name Google? Girl: NO!! ….why?? Boy: Cuz u got everything I'm searching for :-) 28

Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl Wherever you met each other, whether through online dating, through friends, at your work place, a nightclub, etc., you were both on your best behavior, trying to show the best version of yourself. We all do! You are mirroring yourself in the other and we all feel very good about ourselves in times of fresh new love. You can never predict, though, that the feminine girl in the black sexy dress may have a home stuffed with 150 pairs of shoes, like Carrie in “Sex and the City.” Or that she is a Guardian of Things. Or perhaps she adores her little Chihuahua, who licks his backside and then her face! She will never part with him, so you may have to part with her! It is a miracle to find true authentic love. And if you are fortunate enough to find it, it is truly wonderful dreaming and scheming about a common nest. But, you need to be prepared for some surprises. Let’s take

the man’s situation first. Since moving from his parent’s home, he might have enjoyed his independence for some years, living and eating in a shoebox apartment he shared with three other buddies. As for the woman, since she left home, she may have studied and partied, living in a shared apartment with a girlfriend. Then, bam, man and woman meet – it’s love! Soon they set out to live the lives they’ve seen TV series, such as “Friends,” “How I met Your Mother,” etc. The dream of having your own place can be difficult to establish in real life. It often depends on income, country and traditions. Money is tight, and you may have to get past the expectations of your parents or your culture. In terms of any partnership, even corporate relationships, the two people set out with trust and temporary blindness to the other’s faults and weaknesses. “Love, Peace and Harmony” is the headline when any part-

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nership is formed, along with hope for a better future. The key here, to prevent disappointment and frustration later, is to know each other’s underlying interest. What is the motivation in each person? What does each really want and need? Consider “Camp David Accords” at home. During the last years as a House-Coach I have been inspired by people who negotiate on a high level, such as William L. Ury, Co-Founder and Senior Fellow of Harvard University’s “Program on Negotiation.” I watched him at http://www.willowcreek.com/events/leadership. The Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Association in Chicago and he was brilliant. He told us a story about two people wanted to share one orange. An obvious and easy solution would be to simply chop the orange in half and give each one half an orange. Tada! But if you dig deeper and ask the two people about their “underlying interests,” you might come up with another solution. One may want the peel for use in a cake recipe and the other might want to eat the fruit, and discard the peel. So with a little more investigation, each would have been satisfied, 100%. But in the first solution the result was 50%! The Camp David Accords were signed by Egyptian President Anwar El Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, on the 17th of September, 1978, following thirteen days of secret negotiations at Camp David. The two framework agreements were signed at the White House, and were witnessed by United States President Jimmy Carter. “A Framework for Peace in the

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Middle East,” was the result, which dealt with two parties wanting to live in the same dominion... Hey, doesn’t that sound familiar? When I work with a young couple, I feel like the Jimmy Carter, the Hillary Clinton, or the William L. Ury working to achieve fairness by honoring both parties’ underlying interests. In their soul, each must feel the comfort and joy of their shared home. In a similar fashion, as a Life and House-Coach, I aim for fairness by asking the new nesting couple (no matter their age): “In your home, what would you love to have around you and what would you absolutely hate?” They may not be able to answer that question right away, but when I show them photos of diverse interior styles they certainly have opinions, likes and dislikes. These reactions can then be used to create a visual response to the questions. I begin with the men. Now, a masculine Alpha-Male might struggle at first to copy and paste from interior design magazines or find something on the Internet. This task may be well outside of his normal range of interests. I know many men feel a bit awkward about the whole nesting thing. He might just wish to leave all those decisions to his girlfriend/wife, especially if he feels she has been going on and on about it ad nauseum! He wants to wash his hands of it so she will stop talking about it. And hopefully she will revert back to the lovely girlfriend or wife he fell in love with from this “Homezilla” she morphed into. But she is bursting from her yearning to finally create a nest of (her own) their own. And, fair warning, if he doesn’t enter the home-making game now, at this early stage, he’ll be forever excluded! I explain this concept to the man, using a metaphor he can understand. He needs to view me as a personal “Home-trainer,” and I will present a perfect home-fitness schedule that is right for him. It must be right for his strength, fitness, desires and needs. Together we’ll find out what would make his “posture” improve, what would make him happy with his “mirror image”, and what would be too much for him. This is about finding his underlying interests. I have noticed over the years, that men have a hard time answering the question, “What do you like?” but find it much easier to respond to “What do you dislike?”. Therefore, I begin by asking him: “What do you absolutely hate in a home, what would eventually drive you to distraction?” Once he gets this he tends to fully cooperate and tell me what I need to know to help. This is like watching a little Labrador puppy when he suddenly learns he can swim – it’s easy and it’s fun!

Both the young man and the young women are lovely in their pursuit of happiness, but the women are always more eager. So when I ask her, I begin with the “likes” question: “If you could have the home of your dreams, what would it look like? What do you love?” She rolls her eyes, moves forward in her chair and can speak reams, glowing with excitement the whole time. This is like watching the Labrador puppy fetch a stick in the water. The young woman knows she can swim, and goes for it! After that the heart is wide open, and I ask: “What would you hate having inside your home?” It takes her only seconds to answer!

“Love-Hate Vision Board”

Once they’ve marked images from magazines or made a folder on the computer, the couple can each create their own Love-Hate Vision Board. As the young couple’s hearts open, they can feel what their dream home and dream life will look like. Then something extraordinary happens: they can see right there on paper what they can agree on. From this new perspective they really lighten up, even being able to tease and laugh at each other’s dislikes. I can easily coach such a lovely couple to help create a wonderful home (life), as can a Home Consultant at BoConcept. This can be planned out and achieved, step by step, as they can afford it, according to their skills and what practical help they can get from friends and family.

Focusing on their likes and dislikes, each partner collects images from magazines or online, to create a collage, which I call the “Love-Hate Vision Board.” This is a reflection of the man's desires and fears - the woman's dispalyed on the following page...

i Hate

i Love

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i Love

It is important everyone understands what accessories are all about. Let’s start with a little tutorial: Men and women need to know what cushions, candleholders, vases, photo frames, large flat-screen TV sets and surround-sound are all about. Girls are brought up combining colors in their dress style and expressing their personality through their clothes. Boys today do this more than they did when I was a teenager, but still to a lesser degree than girls. But today, as for centuries, our clothes, glasses, shoes and jewelry express the way we feel every day. Boys use electronic devises to boost their masculine ego. This never changes! Acquiring the newest Apple Product still gives my husband a thrill and he's over 50! Driving to our wedding five years ago he played Led Zeppelin full blast on his massive car stereo while my choice during the drive to the church was classical wedding music. Vive La Difference! Boy meets girl…

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i Hate

Girls and boys continue in their homes to express who they are and who they want to become. So after my long experience decorating peoples’ homes, here is my “Home-translation,” to show you how I believe we express ourselves. I have translated our feelings about clothes and accessories to interiors in a home.

Girls:

A sofa a little white or black dress Cushions scarf and belt, to dress up the dress/sofa Candleholders a bracelet or earrings Carpets shoes Picture frames and paintings hair style and colors Lamps Hat or hair-bands etc. TV EGO – not too big Stereo playfulness Etc... You get the picture Once you know this, it’s more fun and much easier to understand each other and make room for compromise, which will be needed all throughout your life as a couple. When it comes to compromise, my “40 + 40 + 20” tool is the formula to achieve fairness. It works at every stage of life, for two people blending belongings and lives. Here is the nutshell of the system: The couple

Boys:

A sofa/bed jeans and shirt or suit Cushions what cushions? - Leather or fur – the “Davy Crocket edition” Candleholders what candleholders? Carpets shoes or boots Lamps Cap or hair gel TV EGO – as BIG as possible Stereo playfulness – just more playful and louder when they play! Etc..... much simpler!

uses 40% of his furniture and decorative items and 40% of hers (or it is 40% his choice in the store and 40% hers if they are purchasing many new things). Then the last 20% is purchased together: items they both love. It is not only fair, and works like a charm, but both parties feel they are settling into Home, with items they are used to or have actively chosen. I have written about this more extensively in the chapter entitled “Our Story.” from BoConcept catalogue

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This couple has found a balance between masculine and feminine. The neutral colors chosen for the backdrops of the rooms provide them a canvas on which to add "moodfixes," such as a painting and flowers. Ottawa Collection, BoConcept Karim Rashid

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Q and A from “Young-Love Nest: Boy meets Girl” at my talks I have the least amount of clients in this category, partly because few young people know I exist. Or that House-Coaching exists! And if they did, I doubt they would think they could afford it. So I rely on the interior designers at BoConcept to help them; the staff is younger and can relate more to their challenges and of course they are in touch with them all the time as they come into the stores. When I give Trend Talks in various countries, young couples do in fact often approach me with questions, some of which I share with you here: Question A: This was a silent question actually, more of a cry for help. A very nice young man was there with his Young-at-Heart mother and his sweetheart. In the young woman’s eyes the appeal for help was clear. The mother was enthusiastic about my talk, and went on and on: how the young couple could inherit some of her former designer furniture and how they’d fit perfectly if… That’s when I knew the question: How to deal with mothers and mothers-in-law during the first nesting process? Well-meaning as they are, how do you keep their suggestions... well, just suggestions? And how do you deal with declining their help in a nice way? Answer A: This is another sort of Camp David Accord, but in this instance one of the parties should not be in this territory at all! Both the mother and the young woman want the love and attention of the same young man – and both feel entitled! First we must understand the mother/ mother-in-law’s side of the problem: She loves her son. She has tried to decorate his room in the best possible way for him throughout his childhood and in his teens it was more a battle than fun. But because she loves to make him happy and the process of nesting itself makes her happy, she sees her advice as an act of love. She is still Young-at-Heart and remembers with such joy the time of her first nesting. Now her home is “done,” and she’s itching to have a new life. Subconsciously she may be living theirs to some degree. She gives her kind advice to the young couple, forgetting there are truly times she needs to back off. Better for her to offer her advice if they’d like it, but to tell them if they want to go ahead on their own, she has full confidence in their capability to make nesting and decorative decisions on their own. Then his mother’s ideas may seem good ones, once they are optional! Next we seek to understand the daughter-in-law/ sweetheart. She has yearned to nest for a long time and finally found the right mate. She has countless ideas of her own. She loves her boyfriend/husband, no doubt, but works hard to hide the fact she feels his mother can be a pain. She

doesn’t know how to cope with her irritation in this situation, nor in others. She suppresses her desire to confront, and this leads to a pressure-cooker situation. That in turn leads to late-night fights or fights in the car on the way home. They must find a harmonious way to solve this tension. Now we’re back to underlying interests. If the young girl is left alone to play “home sweet home” with her boyfriend (a metaphor for their love life, we all know that by now) and she gets recognition for her efforts, she’s happy. If the mother/mother-in-law sees her son happy in this nesting process with his sweetheart and enjoys the creative and fresh ideas, she will still be part of the “nesting process” from a distance and she’s happy. If the son/boyfriend/husband has a happy girlfriend or wife, a happy mother and a cozy nest to come home to, he’s happy. And he can breathe a sigh of relief knowing in the future, when the two lovely women are in the same room, there will be peace. If they all recognize each other’s underlying interests, desires and motivations and remember to praise each other, they will be partners instead of opponents, not only in this matter, but in all future dealings with each other. Don’t ever hold back on praise and recognition. • The son tells his mother he thinks his rooms growing up were always cozy and he really appreciates everything she did for him at home. She’ll be so happy! • The sweetheart tells her boyfriend she loves him and believes he could become (or is) a brilliant DIY guy. That more than anything, she would love the two of them to create this love nest together. He’ll be so happy! • Both the boyfriend and his mother tell the young woman how wonderful home has become because of her ideas and simply because she’s living in it. This “First-Time-Nester” will be so happy! • The young couple politely request that the mother/motherin-law call first, to see if she could drop off home-made food and visit for a bit. She gives them heartfelt praise on how lovely everything looks and how well she things the process is coming along. Everyone will be happy! I actually connected and bonded a bit with this mother, explaining all of the above concepts to her. She understood this advice, coming from someone her age and also perhaps because she was a wee bit impressed by my talk and saw me as “the expert.” The young couple smiled at each other and at me and you could feel the air getting lighter between them. The relief was palpable! In fairness, it probably took some time to achieve the perfect Camp David Accord, but they knew the underlying interests of all three needed to be ho­nored.

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Question B: A young couple had moved into their first two-room apartment and needed advice how to make room for: a small place to study, a place to sleep, to entertain, to cook and to relax. They just couldn’t see how all of this could be possible in such a tiny space. We drew an amateur drawing on a piece of paper and I showed them how. Answer B: Bedroom and office is a good match. You use the “office” during day time and the “bedroom” at night – rarely simultaneously. Where there’s a window place a small narrow desk in front of it or nearby. Be sure to have a good chair and good lightning (either hanging down from the ceiling or a work lamp on the desk). Enjoy the view and the day light. Use the walls for storage. Mix with cube-shaped wooden and colored bookshelves or plain shelves. Make a headboard for the bed by using colored fabric or wallpaper on a board from floor to ceiling in order to create a “room in the room.” Or create a collage of old LP covers – get creative! Make sure it’s the

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exact width of the bed. Use a neutral cover and colored cushions. Create a Happy Wall with photos of the two of you, and happy memories and quotes on love and relationship, and place it near the bed. This will remind you again and again of that important “Why Us?” Create a Pathfinder Vision Board for your future goals and hang it near the desk or under a writing pad made of Plexiglas. (See the Tool box at the end of the book). The other room can become a joint living room/ dining room with a sofa and a BoConcept table. Get more ideas at: http://www.pinterest.com http://www.apartmenttherapy.com Google Images: Use a little feature called “Visually Similar Images.”

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Question C: Young woman: “I want to paint a wall in the living room orange "terracotta" and he said ‘yes,’ but we never get around doing it. I’m tired of waiting, almost begging him. Why doesn’t he want to do it, when he knows it will make me happy?” Young man: “I do want to make her happy, but I cannot see the point in painting that wall or understand why it means so much to her! I’m happy with things as they are right now...” Answer C: What a girl/woman says and what a boy/man hears are not always the same. She says: “I’d like

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to paint this wall orange!” Perhaps she just saw an orange wall in a magazine and it made her go “Oooh,” in a good way! (Instinctive responses are very powerful in the female “nesting” process.) A little side thought: Orange has many meanings mentally and spiritually, and in this case she was out of balance. Maybe she is a bit manipulative or feeling cold or tense and instinctively knew she needed the color orange. Check out this website: http://www.gemstonegifts. com/colors/orange.htm to find new color/life balance. The young man heard something else. When a guy hears about painting and he has gone through the process seen at his parent’s home, he thinks: “I’ll be doing 70%

of the work (carrying furniture, taping the panels and floors, covering the floors and doors with plastic, cleansing the paint roll and the brushes when we’re done). She will only have to do 30% and it’s her idea, not mine! She thinks it’s 50/50, but it’s not. He is probably right! This is why he procrastinates: this color change has nothing to do with his underlying interests. He just wants the nesting process to be over and done with, so he can finally relax and enjoy normal life again. He needs an end destination, while she is on a constant journey! Solve the Problem: She can ask, “Honey, what do you think when I say I want to paint an orange wall?” He needs to reply, honestly, “I think the task is 70% my

job, and 30% yours, and I am fine with the white wall right now!” And he can go on to describe the tasks as listed above and what is involved for him in the painting process. She needs to reply: “What if I bought the paint, you and I carried the furniture, I taped, I covered with plastic and I cleaned up while you brought back in the furniture ... Would this feel like 30/70 for you, and be more fair, because the idea initially was mine? Oh, and I think the color will make me easier to be around, so for you it’s a win-win situation!” He falls for it... Now his underlying interest is again to make her happy!

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Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 40

Boy, Girl, Plus Baby

– How to stay sane and still love your partner, life and home We have talked about Boy meeting Girl, with all the joy and fun and challenge this entails. So, the next obvious step? A baby. And suddenly everything changes. For better or worse… Life coaching and House-Coaching can help! When my first husband and I had our first (and only) baby we were 30. Little did we know (although we did read a lot of books) that lack of sleep (two hours at a time for three months) would cause such mental distress and disorder. We were crazed. Add the fact our baby screamed most of the time he was awake and the consequences were apparent in our home, as well. In every single room you’d find a cotton diaper, a pacifier and some leftover food. We were living like zombies; we tried to eat something but forgot that we did. Or we left

the food somewhere in the house and forgot all about it. Our lovely bedroom was transformed: we had a baby bed next to ours and our pretty cover and bed cushions were crammed into a corner on the floor. The whole room was a continuous mess for over a year. There was little time or energy for romance and we forgot all about that, too! A wee baby boy took over our warm, beautiful bedroom – and our lives! As for the living room during our son’s first year, it morphed into a playground: a little swing chair, a huge basket overflowing with cuddly animal toys, brightlycolored plastic games and figures and blocks… And of course, the constant adult mess and food leftovers. We were completely overwhelmed by this baby. Our lives were out of balance and we needed to set

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When the home becomes one big “in box” and children have toys lying around in every single room in the home 24/7, the kids have taken up too much space in your life/home. You can never love them too much, but there must be balance in a home. Lovers with children need to remain lovers with children, not worn-out adults with manipulating children who act out. Sadly, where there is imbalance, divorce may be lurking…

them right again, for us as a couple but also for our son! Happily I saw it then – many of my clients don’t see it for many years, if ever. This may be because new babies follow the first one and the mess just becomes the norm. I reclaimed my life after nine months of insanity and handed my baby over to a lovely daycare, where he was surrounded by love and other babies for six hours every weekday. I started jogging, got a haircut, and took any part time job I could get. I grabbed temp secretarial work for awhile and then ended up delivering school milk, comforting the worried teachers who cried, “The kids are out of control!” It was not my chosen career path, but it got me out of the house! As for all the plans I had for our home? I was shocked to realize I had done none of them during that year I was a stay-at-home-mom. Nothing… zero, zilch, nada. But once I was working outside the home again, energy flooded in. That and the bliss of picking up a happy, stimulated baby meant my life returned to balance. Desperate Homemakers? The moms of today have dreams of their own, and watching them drown one by one in domestic tasks and parenting is never easy. It’s often Mom who sets aside her career plans “while the kids are young.” This is supposed to be only for a few years, but it so often stretches interminably. Starting or re-establishing a career at 40 is an up-hill battle! Many women are thrilled to be stay-at-

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home moms for several years. But other, brilliant women I know with two children and a half-decorated home are now feeling deprived, waiting to tap into their skills and talents. Some are even depressed. All of this is painfully apparent to the former lover/husband. And of course he, in her eyes, turns into the man “who took the biggest piece of the life-pie” and becomes the bad guy she resents. However, there is no bad guy; there is only a lovely smart girl who said “yes” to a dream. Out of love. She couldn’t know it might hold regret in the future. Young women like these often become “Desperate Housewives” (like the popular TV Series). I know and have coached many women who want to work inside and outside of their home, want to travel, be important, interact with other exciting people, be part of something bigger than themselves… And have four kids and a wonderful, fulfilling marriage! Can you say “Superwoman Complex”? “Desperate House-Men” or “Superman Complex.” Hmmm… Do these terms even exist? No, but they should! In these times young fathers struggle with their frustrated partners and their own complex world, where they are equally responsible for the children and the home tasks. This will absolutely, definitively show in their home. Seen with the eyes of a House-Coach, they both need to find balance between fun and obligation both at home and at work. And stop attempting to do the impossible! Here is an analogy: Think about little kids work-

ing out a game where little pigs in different shapes (square, triangle, circle, star etc.) need to be tucked into matching shaped holes. Even a very young child quickly finds out he is supposed to find the right fit! He doesn’t sit around for hours banging a square against a round hole. No, he reflects and tries other holes until the little pig finds it proper hole. This is balance. When I started House-Coaching, I never thought of preventing a divorce! I have swept up the shattered glass of so many broken dreams, fixing what could be fixed. It fills my heart to know that perhaps via this book with its tips and tools, I may be somehow instrumental in saving a marriage and a family. So, onwards to the tools! First let me say I am a little older than those of you reading this with young families – my son is 20 and just finishing college. But I learned the hard way how to compromise and find balance, in home and in life. For the complete story see the chapter called “Our Story” where you will see the mistakes I made because I didn’t know better! Now I do, and I’ve coached many young families. I’ll share with you some of their stories and you will see how the tools helped them find their way back to lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring lives and homes. The first tool to use is the powerful Get the Damn

Things Done tool. As you read this, and fill out the Get the Damn Things Done form, keep these questions in your mind:

• What is draining my nervous system every day as I walk through my home? • What will it take for me to relax and enjoy life in this home? • Who can help me or us? The Get the Damn Things Done form: Typically young families live in unfinished homes which are often too small. Jobs are postponed for lack of money, time or energy. At some point the unfinished tasks become overwhelming and even the smallest item

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can trigger huge frustration. You know the ones I mean: the most-used drawer in the kitchen will not close properly or the broken water thermostat doles out boiling or icy water every morning. It seems impossible to get back to the feeling state of love and excitement you both felt when you first bought or rented the place. I have used my Get the Damn Things Done tool countless times with clients, to great effect. And even with one lovely colleague at BoConcept! We talked one day over coffee, discussing my book, but then we moved on to her life, her marriage, and I found myself sharing this tool with her. Within two hours of open, heartfelt conversation, she moved from “I give up… I wonder if a divorce is the only way out of this misery?” into realizing Home is You. That’s right, we are back to that wonderful concept: Home is You. The fact that she was not becoming who she was meant to be was perfectly reflected in the state of her unfinished home. She was “homesick-at-home” and this was very obvious to her husband. She wanted him to change, when she could change and he would naturally follow. She got goose bumps on her arms as she understood this. She worked with the tool, and I can assure you, only few months after, her life changed positively in every way. It’s very simple: First, you and your partner go to separate areas of the house, or perhaps to your cars, but somewhere where you can be completely alone. Then record on your cell phone or other recording device all the things that bother you. Let yourself become a tired nineyear-old and list every single detail you can think of. No one will hear you – be sure you are alone. Here are some examples: She: “I am sick and tired of the fact that the entrance light is burned out…it is not safe without light there! We need lamps outside… I can never find the keyhole at night.” He: “I am sick and tired of hearing about the damn lamps! I’m not good at electrical work and will never be… I wish we could just call someone! Who do we know could help us?” He/she: “I don’t like the look of that mold spot on the corner wall, it might mean big trouble outside; it may be a broken sewer... and could end up being expensive? Couldn’t we just call someone to give us an estimate?” She/ he: “I hate the shoes lying around with no system to keep them tidy.” She: “Why are the smoke alarms not mounted yet? The damn things have been lying around here for six months!” He: “Why is it always me?” I’m sure you get the picture, and you know it from your own home! Once it’s all recorded, listen back to it with an open heart and promise yourself you won’t fight anymore. This is Romeo and Juliet wanting to become

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friends and lovers again! And here’s the real gut buster: You ask for help! No, no, now don’t think: “If I ask for help, I need to help in return, and I don’t even have the energy for this home or my life in general, let alone find time to go help my sister,” etc., etc. Go for it, and be honest. One day your home and life will be in blissful balance again, and I can assure you, you’ll even want to repay you friends and sister! But for now, no, you can’t and that’s just fine. Then you put it all in a form, like this one – in the form you see:

• The tasks that need to be done • Who could do them • Three dates they can pick from • And the wonderful “done” box The call might sound like this: “Hey Marc, ummm... This is quite an unusual call. You see, Britt and I need help to get our home in order, and there is just so much stress about it for us and the girls. We got the inspiration from a book about House-Coaching, where there’s a tool to ask for help. We put you in the form to mount some smoke alarms and it might take you one to two hours. Would you mind helping us one of these three upcoming weekends, on a Saturday afternoon? We’ll barbecue and get some beer in, and other friends will be there too. Going to try to make a party of it… What do you think? We’d really appreciate your help, because we noticed at your home, things are in order. Oh, man, we’d love to live like that too... And I notice you’re really good at stuff like this.” I have never heard of anyone saying no to a request for help from friends, family, neighbors or sports buddies when it’s a limited task, on a given day. And a beer and a laugh thrown in! If three weekends aren’t enough and money is an issue, you can prioritize the ones that cost the least and start saving for the rest. This can be done three to four times during six months and before you know it, you feel like you’ve signed a peace treaty with yourself, your home and your spouse.

Dad John Dad Mum

Problems to be solved

Laundry room Mount Laundry basket Mount Smoke alarm Mount Shelves & Hooks Paint wall blue

Anne + Mum John Mum Anne Dad

Get 'the damn' things done -

Kitchen Clear out cabinets Move lamp back above dining table Paint wall behind stove Create a collage wall Mount shelves for cookbooks

Tom Mum Dad Dad John John Anne + Mum Mum

Name

Living room Mount Loudspeakers Paint walls Assemble cupboard Frame Photo's + mount. Install lamps Mount Smoke alarm Buy new cushions/accessories Clear out kids toys - mostly into their rooms

x

x

x x

x x

x x x

Saturday 1/12

x x

x x x

x

x

Saturday 8/12

x

Saturday 15/12

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Adults living in their children’s home: this needs to be turned around! Here is another example. Ann-Mari and Peter are parents of two boys and a girl, a lovely family I met last summer. They sent me photos of their home and I could see they were adults living in their children’s home. They had filled the house with furniture with no other thought than practicality: the couches were just something to sit on if not sitting on the floor. And the bookcases were there to display children’s books and their art pieces from school. The living room was a “children’s playroom.” Their ongoing challenge was to try to find space and live an orderly life with two young boys and a husband playing soccer in the living room, plus a little princess ruling the kitchen with her huge play area. All cabinets in every room, including the entrance/laundry room,

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were completely cluttered, and it ticked Ann-Mari off every single day. There was no room for Ann-Mari, herself, and it showed in the home. There was no room for Peter either, so we needed to find Sanctuaries for both of them. We set aside a creative spot for Ann-Mari in the bedroom and a small desk in the living room area for Peter. We carried on in this fashion, sorting their whole home into zones. It took them four months, all the while still living their busy lives. We talked about the “tip of the iceberg” phenomenon. This is where everything looks okay on the outside, but underneath (and behind closed doors) it is chaos. I taught them how to sort with the 7-3 Downsizing tool, and it was a huge job. But so worth it! The energy that comes from knowing there is order behind cabinet doors and that you will be able to easily find things, is blissful. But on the other hand, the results are not visible.

The greatest fun is decorating the parts of your home that you see all the time: The visible tip of the iceberg! So, the next step was to send them off to BoConcept to find a sofa, a dining table set and some accessories. The much-loved old dining table, inherited from an ancestor, was shortened and used as a new coffee table. In the dining room the rather cold, steel cabinet with glass doors was taken down (I’m so proud of them, they dared to follow this advice) and moved into the desk area for storage of porcelain, games and private papers. Instead, a warm, oak cabinet went in its place and they created a Happy Wall above it, with home-made art and family photos. The kids will have fun; it’s easy to change out new photos or paintings. Wonderful! There was now warmth and life in the room. See the following pages.

The before and after photos tell the story! When we photographed the home, the eldest son, a creative eleven-year-old exclaimed: “Now I see this is a home where adults live, too.” This was an unprompted comment – we never told him this was the point of the whole home makeover.

Before

After

Before

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To style or not to style When a BoConcept interior decorator comes by you only need to buy flowers for yourself and feel you are part of the nesting process. It’s always easier for outside decorators to dress up your home. They are able to work within your comfort zone and push slightly beyond!

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This young man’s main interest is soccer/football, so his Father made this goal for him. He painted ordinary planks with red and white and passed nylon cord through small metal rings, creating the net of the goal. With office clips this creative goal turned into a “Happy Wall” for the boy at little to no cost!

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Manic Mother: a Jail House Anecdote: And yet another example: As an interior designer, some years before becoming a House-Coach, I was called to a newly built home, where the Lady of the House, sensing the need for HELP in any form, asked me for advice on buying wall art (framed posters or paintings, etc.). One morning while her children were in kindergarten and preschool she showed me her house. It was impeccable, sterile, and all in black and white. This was fairly unusual for the styles of that particular period, when vivid colors were back in fashion again. She showed me her eldest son’s room, where Lego Duplo was sorted; the four colors were carefully sorted into boxes, and there were no toys lying around anywhere on the floor! “Wow,” I exclaimed. “Does he really sort his Lego in colors?” “Er… um… no, that’s me,” she replied, glancing down at the boxes. She actually wrung her hands (until that moment I wondered if this were simply a literary expression). “He builds with them all day, and when he’s asleep, I can separate the colors and you know, organize them again…” Her voice trailed off so I could barely hear her. I was speechless (which happens rarely, trust me)! Then we went to the bedroom of her younger boy and I was met with a similar sight: The Lego blocks were all tidy and the room looked spotless. It was a little hard to imagine a small boy ever playing in this room. “Ohhh, he’s so disorganized!” she exclaimed, as she pointed to the window. Not sure what she meant, I asked, “Help me out here… where’s the disorder?” “There!” Her voice was harsh. “Look, the three stones in the window, he keeps dragging stones and sand into the house and I can’t stand it!” I felt pain in my gut, like someone kicked me, hard. I spent eight long years praying to have children before my son finally arrived and then I loved to watch him play

freely with his Lego. And I used to go to the beach with him to collect stones. Then suddenly I knew: she couldn’t buy anything for the walls, because those items would have colors and disorganized patterns that would make her go nuts! I knew she was a case for a professional psychologist. Could I tell her this? And could I find a way to make life a little easier on the boys? I had to try. “Do you know the Opera House in Sydney, and that a Danish architect designed it?”I asked her. “Oh, yes, I know, Utzon.” She nodded. I continued, trying not to sound hesitant, but I was not sure how this idea was going to land: “I think maybe your boys are born designers in some form and just maybe, by not allowing them to be disorganized… by de-building their Lego creations, you could be robbing the world of their greatness.” I looked at her with as much compassion as I could, and touched her hand gently. I could see in her eyes that she was not leaping to the defensive, so I carried on. I pointed out to the wooden doorstop. “You know, these are the boundaries you need to learn how to respect. You need professional help, my dear; this is not the way life is supposed to feel in your home. Home is safe, home is love, home is soul-restoring.” This was the moment – would she throw me out on my ear, or listen? Actually, she burst into tears, and I knew no one had ever spoken to her kindly, and with wisdom, in this way. I referred her to a very good friend of mine, Marie, who is an excellent psychologist. I can only help healthy people begin to achieve their greatest potential in their life and in their homes and I am very aware when someone needs to see a psychotherapist or psychologist. Now, do you feel better? It’s always good to compare ourselves to someone worse off. It makes us grateful and compassionate, at the same time. Do you feel like the any of the people in my examples? Are you ready to start the process of change? If so Get the Damn Things Done in your own life!

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Game over

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 My own Story – Finding the Cure for Homesickness

I will tell you a little of my own story, in the hopes that that it may inspire you to find your way home to yourself. And perhaps you may take some comfort in knowing others have felt the same as you. You are not alone! After eight years of trying to start a family with my first husband, we finally were thrilled to welcome our lovely son Nikolai. We lived a small-town life in a small 1947 townhouse. We enjoyed renovating houses and combined creativity with hard work... using the very little money we had. Like many other couples, our love turned into friendship, so after exactly twelve and a half years of marriage we decided to divorce. We parted as friends and have stayed dear friends ever since. I kept our little townhouse and continued to run my own interior design shop, with eight employees to “feed,” a small child to provide for, and no child support of any kind (I gave to my ex; he needed it more than I).

It appeared to the world that I was successful; I had an image to maintain! But in my everyday life, in actuality I was a poor, struggling, single mother, eating very little, wearing second-hand clothes, and renting out my basement to students. I lived like this for a couple of years, becoming increasingly desperate and somewhere down the line forgot all about making myself happy. Except when I decorated my home; this brought me happiness. Now I know: I nurtured my (home) soul! I met a few “princes,” kissed them, and bingo, they promptly turned into frogs. But it was not long until I met a lovely, charismatic business man: “Mr. Eisby.” He was a part-time dad and CEO of his own company. I thought a man who can do both must be amazing. After dating for a year and Living Together Apart (LAT), we made what could have been a wise (but in the end fatal) decision: I should sell my home and move into his. The potential bonuses: half the rent, less expenses, more

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time together, and time to look for a lovely new home of our own. So, I tore up my soul and my son’s soul, sold my beloved home and moved into his, which to me was very unfamiliar and unattractive both in exterior design and in the atmosphere of the rooms. I brought with me my most loved possessions, but they looked odd in his living room; we were combining Shabby Chic with Contemporary Modern. And my son was unhappy that his entire room had to be cramped into a smaller room. I sold my shop, let go of my staff and went solo. I rented an expensive office, which I decorated with my beloved left-over furniture and stored the rest of my “life companions” in a barn on a farm. I confess to being something of a hoarder at that time in my life! I tried to make our home look nice, and I tried hard to become a “Bonus Mother” to his kids... but, the truth is, it turned into a nightmare. After two years in agony and many quarrels over finding another home, I was suffering from a new malady for me: being “Homesick-at-Home.” For the first time in my life. This painful longing made me behave like a teenager looking for my soul/home. I gave my sweetheart an ultimatum: Agree to

buy a new home for us all, with space for all my belongings or I was gone! I thought missing my “things” was the reason I was so lost and fragile. Now I know: I could not find myself in the role, because I had given up myself. By not being my authentic self with everyone, I forced everyone to be someone they weren’t, either. It was an incredible masquerade, for which no one had ever prepared us! If I had enjoyed my life inside myself, I could have lived anywhere with anyone. All I really had to do was focus on the things that worked in my life, instead of what didn’t... but I didn’t know how! We finally found a very beautiful (expensive) house and moved into what we both thought and hoped was our “dream house.” It certainly looked like it, as we gazed on photos of our home displayed in Danish interior design Magazines. Our “Dream Home” was featured in eight-page articles! But sadly it turned out to be a new fresh nightmare, because we were creating the bad dreams, not the house! Karma haunted me, because I refused to learn the lessons, and like a child, I chose the role of the victim.

A beautiful “library” decorated in Country Style with attention to the smallest details. I had fun in the process playing and pretending I lived in Southern England. But I was unhappy in my private and working life and it showed in the home. It was tidy for the magazine photographer, but most days it was cluttered

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We lived in this beautiful house for only a year, fighting constantly over “your kids and my kid,” with harsh, painful words like: “you don’t understand/love me.” We were endlessly at odds over finances, friends, family, housework, his successful career while mine was in ruins (due in great part to the depression that followed being “Homesick-at-Home” for years). You name it, we struggled with it. Then we gave up. We were both so completely unaware of the real issues, our own immaturities and our emotional scars and damage. Like so many couples, we used each other to try and fix the pains that had scarred our souls. We tried to rebuild a broken dream of “Family 1.” It was doomed from the start! Frank and his two teenagers moved out. We couldn’t easily sell the big house, so Nikolai and I had to live there alone. During the first year and a half, I showed the house to potential buyers more than 50 times and 1500 people viewed the house on the internet! I imagined them saying, “I just have to see the house that a well-known designer wants to leave!” Finally, after selling the damn thing, I was able to move into a small apartment near my son’s school and near his father. It was in fact half the size of my former home, and I still had a barn-full of stuff that I had not seen in more than a year. So, I needed to invent a system I could count on to successfully downsize my belongings so they would fit in half the space! And here it is! My first House-Coaching tool for people who need to move and “lose excessive weight” without pain or fear of letting go:

“7-3 Downsizing” tool There are two basic ideas to ponder as you use this tool:

• Can I live without this item? (Keep your feeling antenna open – what things can you simply not live without?) • Who would be happy to receive this free gift? Who needs it? How good would it feel to give this to them? 55

Now, here’s how it is done. Out of 7 pieces of furniture, in random order, I picked 3 of them to keep. I picked 7 books on each shelf and kept 3 of them… My mind started to “get it” very fast. It became easy to look at 7 things at a time, keeping 3 of them as life companions, and saying thank you and goodbye to the remaining 4. The choices were made in my heart. For example, from my basement I hauled up 7 boxes crammed with sentimental hopes, dreams, and memories, such as a 35-year-old Barbie and other dolls. Plus clothes, schoolbooks, 1st grade memorabilia, baby stuff from my son’s birth right up to his schooldays, old books (memories of beloved Aunt Emmy), clothes of a potential smaller body size (in completely insane fashion I was hoping to become the skinny teenage size 0 again at 43 years old). And oh yes, old love letters – proof that I was once loved. I was tough with myself. I decided, firmly, that I could only keep what would fit into 3 boxes. (Yikes.) So I placed 3 empty boxes opposite the 7 filled ones. There they were: 10 boxes on my lawn, and I dived in. I started sorting, with my girly heart open and my adult mind coaching the fear away. I started with 7 old schoolbooks, kept 3 favorite ones, and put them in the empty boxes. Of 7 pieces of baby clothes I decided to keep 0 (thereby beginning to let go of a deeply held goal: another child). This way, keeping none of the 7 baby clothes, I had made a bargain with myself, and I could keep 7 books instead! You see the system? If you choose 7-5 in one “category,” you have to go 7-1 in another, and doing this in boxes makes it tough, because there is limited space! What really got to me was giving away my son’s things from his toddler days. I was forced to really re-

linquish that dream, that of having another child. It was never really about the clothes or the toys. I realized it was too late for me and that realization put me directly and painfully into “mental meltdown.” I called a young (and poor) couple that I knew were expecting a child. I told them not to mind me, sitting on the floor sobbing and rocking when they came to pick up 7 boxes of really good quality clothes and baby toys! It was so hard, but I had to let go. And it is odd: when I think about it today I can’t even remember what I threw out or gave away! I know now I don’t have to keep 20 of my beloved Grandmother’s belongings! I only really need the memory in my heart and maybe two lovely items to make me happy. I chose, through this whole downsizing period, not to sell anything, but to give it all away with love, even though I could have used the money. Because doing so made me feel rich. The joy on the faces of those who received these things made it all so worth it. I still remember their smiling eyes, but not what they received!

“Play it till you make it” This is my first attempt and the front cover of my first book: An apartment in “Small-ville” Denmark turned into a wooden cottage in USA, just to get the feel and the “fix” of being somewhere else… for my yearning soul. And it worked.

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“Play It Till You Make It”: Being with the estate agent in the new apartment I felt… numb, really! But we took it, because it was close to my son’s school and his father’s apartment. My son liked it immediately because of the carpets on the floor. But I hated them – they made my “Shabby Chic” furniture look like “Shabby Shit!” We needed to share the only bedroom, but he was 11, so in order to respect the new privacy of his adolescence, we took turns sleeping in the bed or on the sofa. My son’s memory today, at 20 years old, is that it was cozy and calm being with me alone there. I wanted to live in an American-style wooden house, so when I found old wooden floor boards at a garage sale, I instinctively bought them. I transported them to our parking lot and painted them one by one and had a friend place them on the wall. In our new “American Cottage” I made a shared playroom/office, with two IKEA table supporters, IKEA bookshelves and some “mature” table tops from an old factory near

to us. I hung my favorite pictures on “my side” and my son’s favorites on “his side.” In the evenings and afternoons we enjoyed sitting together doing homework and working or painting and reading. Voila: My first “Play-It-Till-You-Make-It” home evolved out of love, creativity and spontaneously. I started a new interior decorating business from this home office. I soon found clients again and gave it my best effort. But I didn’t really like my life as a single mother and was exhausted and experiencing body aches and pains. I know now this was the result of my negative outlook. I felt dark and miserable, feeling a sense of lack instead of abundance and gratitude for all that I had! Right there at that horrible place we all know as “Rock Bottom,” God found me on the floor, sobbing against the heater… just as Elisabeth did in Eat, Pray Love. I had heard of people becoming “spiritual” overnight and this really is what happened to me. In fact, I changed my whole outlook on life within a few days!

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Over the next three years God showed me, “pebble after pebble,” the way to my new life. He taught me that every home I lived in was my classroom and I was to absorb and learn new things about myself and become a spiritual teacher! He healed me from the inside out with daily miracles. And the final outcome of this “detox” was: I learned how to create lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring homes – no matter where I was – so I could pay it forward to you! I had made an agreement with myself that “The Carpet Home” would only be temporary, and that I would move again when I found something with more "charm." This I did, one year later. Can you imagine? Four moves in three years! Thank you to all my dear friends and family, who always came to help me! And a big thank you to Nikolai for being so patient and helpful!

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Writers retreat in france

The apartment we moved into was even smaller. But it was much cozier and the neighborhood was beautiful, although our apartment was the ugliest building on the street! It was a typical temporary home or “Divorce Barrack,” as I loved to call it. It consisted of a small living room connected to what was supposed to be a dining room, one master bedroom, a tiny bathroom with washing machine/dryer, a small worn out kitchen, and an even smaller storage room than the apartment we had left (in the basement). I was on a continuous “Cardboard Box Diet” trying to lose excessive weight, sorting, throwing out/giving to charity, downsizing my belongings. It felt like a diet; just as tough to go through and just as wonderful to complete. Instead of skinny jeans, I needed to fit into my storage room! Fewer distractions on the outside meant I could grow up on the inside. I began to play. The place I was happiest during my holidays was Provence. So, my inner playful self, who began trusting in me again, told me she wanted to go to the South of France and restore her soul. Off course, I had to give myself that mood-fix and find a way to play. I re-found the basic joy of nesting using very little money but all my creativity and my bare hands. Soon it felt like we lived in a French B & B! I knew what my heart told me and I could vividly see the images in my mind’s eye from happy holidays in France. And I had my computer for reference. I wanted to play, and bring it all to life for us! I loved old French houses in those luscious pale colors, set off by the vivid shades of the flowers on their balconies. I found photographs of shutters in soft green, soft blue and pale gray, and more of cream-colored stone houses with white windows and pale rose-painted shutters. Gorgeous… I bought paint in those colors and started painting my grandmother’s old bookcases and 25 shelves. All over the apartment I felt free and happy painting to Edith Piaf and other French artists! Lydia, an artist and dear friend of mine, decorated pieces of boards I had painted and on them wrote these French words: “Education d’esprit” (Soul Education), “Decoration” (Interior Design), “Voyages” (Travels), “Fleur de jardin” (Garden

Flowers). I had a tiny but beautiful library! I gave my son the master bedroom, to allow him the best possible space to play with friends, retreat to do home-work and to sleep. I was single – I just needed sleep! I hung a lovely painted sign right outside the front door of the apartment, on the first floor: It read: “L’Auberge d’Espoir,” which means “Inn Of Hope,” and indeed it was! We lived there for two and a half years, and Nikolai has since shared with me that he’ll never forget the cozy hours. He remembers the apartment with great joy. We didn’t lose anything! On the contrary, we gained a new and better life together. And I gained new insights on almost everything in my life. I was different; my view of my life was different. I could still have been depressed, hated my life, seen the lack, but now I only saw and appreciated the good in my life. This attitude – and the display of this attitude in our home – led me to the happy and fulfilled life for which I was destined. And it changed my son’s outlook on life forever. I had the following needs: A cozy corner to seek inspiration, a place to work (I couldn’t afford an office anywhere), a spiritual sanctuary to pray and meditate, a cozy bed to read and sleep in, a dining area to entertain my few and dear friends. All of these needs were met by making small zones in one room: The window corner became my Sanctuary. Here I read my spiritual books and wrote my first Danish book, Home with a Heart while looking out at the “Perfect Families” living all around me. I tried to bless them instead of feeling jealousy. This was not easy on my darkest days.

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In the small living room Nikolai and I often ate our meals in front of the TV (mounted on a fake wall to hide the cables, which I had designed myself). This actually turned out to be a good way for us to be together without talking much. He was now 12 years old, “closed for reconstruction” by the forces of nature. This was probably not the educationally correct procedure, but it worked for us! In the sofa we also read many Harry Potter books...”Ah, come on Mom... just 10 more pages!”

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He loved his own room and these photos have been an inspiration to many Danish readers. This is how to create a warm and personal room for a teen with little money and effort!

This little home was the source of great learning and growth for me. I learned the whole “Pay It Forward – Home Edition” concept here: I baked buns for neighbors, performed services for the elders in the neighborhood and helped other single parents find new ways of “coming Home” after a divorce! I worked whenever I had the energy. My income increased as I finally found worth in my own work. So much joy had conquered my fear in many ways and I started writing down what I had learned about House-Coaching. I wrote the book Home with a Heart, the first Danish self-help book on interior

design. It was created for all those people struggling with a life-changing even who felt Homesick-at-Home. Filled with practical ideas yet low costs, the book was very popular and changed my life! Today, six years later, I understand that my moving provoked necessary life-changes and those life changes made me move. And even more importantly, I came to realize this powerful truth:

Home is You Home is Love 61

Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” 62

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 The Challenges Kirsten Steno of the Single Parent:

Coming home again af

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How to Ease the Way! According to the United States Census Bureau, there are approximately 13.6 million single parents in the United States today caring for more than 21 million children. Being a single parent is a common and difficult challenge in our busy world. Having struggled through it myself and worked with so many people weighed down by responsibility, I am thrilled to offer tools which effectively lessen the overload most single parents are enduring. Mark Twain once said: “If a cat sits on a hot stove, the cat will never sit on a hot stove again.” The problem

is the cat will never sit on a cold stove, either. The cat just won’t sit on stoves, because every time it sees a stove it sees a painful failure! He thinks to himself, “Danger danger! I tried that and it didn’t work,” or “I’ll never get hurt like that again.” We are the same. We get burned, and then we can turn our backs on the possibility of new wonderful love! And life can pass us by. You think to yourself, “I have learned the hard way. My marriage, my childhood or all kinds of hardship formed me into who I am today.” Painful, perhaps, but nevertheless true. In reality, all the

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hardships you endure are a gift to your growth, if you choose it! Like rats in a laboratory, you learn both from electric shock warnings and from sugar water rewards. Happiness is not a feeling, it is a state of mind we can choose. This is a huge concept, so worth repeating: Happiness is not a feeling, it is a state of mind we can choose. I am not saying it is always easily achieved; it does take effort and a firm decision. But it’s always an option every single minute of every single day. I know, because after my marriage broke up I cried my eyes out and suffered for way too long, until I finally detached from my pain and began to take care of myself. And crying is tiring! No one can easily stop crying if they’re exhausted, so try this: Decide right now that you are going to cry less. Decide to feel less hurt, to feel less angry, right now, this minute. It is powerful when you make up your mind to it. You can learn from your past and then turn your back on it – it’s over! Now begin to taking care of yourself in this new life as a single parent in this new temporary Home. Right now start looking ahead! Make room for a new love in your life: Yourself! OK, here is the scenario: The moving company left days ago, the kids may have started in a new school, old friends may not be available, your parents are too old and your siblings too simply far away. What now? Surely people always try their best to organize the move ahead of time, but you just cannot plan for the mess, the chaos, and the fatigue that awaits you. You walk through rooms gazing at mountains of stacked, marked cardboard boxes… You begin to cut them open without having the vaguest idea where to put everything. It’s awful. Even if it was you that wanted out of the marriage or relation-

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ship and the move seems like a heart-felt decision, you still abhor this unsettled situation and long for a happy, peaceful home and family life. The truth is the move resulted from a broken heart, no matter whose decision it was, and the joy you remember feeling in your past moves is nowhere to be found. What you feel and how you view your circumstances will decide how long you stay in a state of meltdown following any catalytic event in your life. These events hit all of us in various ways throughout our lives; what is important is how we overcome them! Right now you’ve probably lost yourself in the move. This is the time when you need a good life coach to help you get through this meltdown, fast. You also need someone to help you get installed in your new home. Let me in. I’d love to help you understand the metamorphosis process which occurs, when you are in transition. Because you are only capable of changing that which you fully understand. Moving a home and half a family is almost as stressful as becoming seriously ill. You, as a single parent, need to be set free from too many expectations. You need to know that what is going on in your home affects your whole life, including your inner life, the soul. It takes time! Give it time. It takes time to heal a wound, and you are truly wounded. But with the right care you will heal! I have survived the pain you have been going through, too, more than once, and stepped forward to a greater life, with help from great mentors. I know that no one can create a lovely, soul-restoring nest when being immensely fatigued...

The Butterfly Metaphor: I use “The Butterfly Metaphor” to help my clients understand that they need to undergo three stages of transformation to achieve the life they were meant to live. I encourage them to replace fear with love and trust. It sounds strange, but we can in fact be both caterpillar and butterfly at the same time in various areas of our life (e.g. When you a have just been fired but are newly in love, or in a lovely home, etc.) Just like the butterfly transforms and dies to its former self, you too, after a catalytic life event, must let go of who you were. Like the butterfly, you have an opportunity to become your truly awesome self! I’d like to thank others for their inspiration: Martha Beck describes her version of the human metamorphosis on her website http://marthabeck.com/2003/01/growing-wings-the-power-of-change/ and Marianne Williamson has written the wonderful book The Gift of Change (HarperCollins Publishers).

1. Meltdown:

This is the moment when a life shock hits us right in the gut and life will never be the same again: A: Without notice, you’re called to your new young boss’ office where he explains, curtly, why you are fired. At the age of 56 you know there is no immediate chance of being employed again, even though you feel Young-at-Heart. B: In the midst of writing this book, my son, who had been sick for six months, was called a wimp until I brought him to a private hospital and a brilliant neurologist found the cause: a brain tumor. This meltdown completely changed not only his life but mine. We were only able to cope with the challenges by focusing on love and gratitude. C: Your loved one stands in the kitchen door, like a thousand times before. But now you feel in your gut something is wrong. You just know from the look in his/her eyes; sorry, but there is a new love. You watch your loved one pack and leave. D: Talking on the cell phone, or turning around to make the kids stop fighting, and bam, you didn’t see the car hurtling towards you. Or worse, hurtling towards the child that just leapt out into the street chasing a puppy. You know from your own life what a meltdown feels like and you know friends and family who’ve experienced the same. This is the stage where you hide to the world and create a mental chrysalis. In here you need to accept that this is not only a bad thing but a chance to create the life for which you’ve secretly been yearning. Allow the mental pain, which comes in waves, to flow over you without getting drowned by it. Eventually the pain will lessen, the waves will get smaller and you’ll catch your vital deep breath again. Reach within for clarity, strength, forgiveness, love, peace and harmony – you need it to get to the next stage:

“Put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your children” To return to your adult, rational, happy self and behavior, you need to take time to recover. Here are some suggestions: • Get someone to help by babysitting your child/children, leaving you chunks of free time to just breathe deep or sleep. • Eat well every day: fresh vegetable and salad, organic meats or fresh fish. • Take a multi-vitamin and extra Vitamin C – you need more nutrients to handle the stress and the shock. And yet this is often the time people ignore their own needs! • Drink plenty of lukewarm boiled water with lemon as a detox. • Walk in nature, feeling the presence of Divinity, of the Source of everything, that power that is greater than you. • I recommend you watch as little TV as possible, and then only indulge in TV shows about people overcoming life’s obstacles. Only “feel-good emails” may enter your “inbox” and be replied to. Delete all the others. This is some of the best advice I ever got! You are choosing to feel good, not wallow in misery. • And before sleeping, read at least ten minutes in one of the books I recommend, such as: Martha Beck: Finding Your Own North Star John Maxwell: Failing Forward, Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones Deepak Chopra: The Path to Love, Spiritual Strategies for Healing Rhonda Byrnes: The Magic (The Secret)

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You can buy them second-hand (such as I did on Amazon.com) or borrow them from the library. When sleep finally takes over your wounds are healing. It’s nature’s own rhythm. Trouble sleeping? Oh, this is so common after periods of stress. And you need good quality sleep to help restore your mind, body and soul. Here are a few suggestions: Maintain regular hours; even if you are not sleepy, wind down to get ready for bed at a normal time. Do something relaxing and peaceful for an hour before bed, like rest in a warm bath, or read one of the books I recommend. And do so in as low light as you can – research has shown reduced light prepares our systems for sleep. Do not play video games before bed or watch violent movies! Eat something light and carbohydrate-based, like a bit of yogurt or a few crackers, but do not eat heavily. That is not conducive to good sleep. And be wary of alcohol! You may think it relaxes you, but in actual fact it has a rebound stimulating effect an hour or two after you have fallen asleep, and then you may lie awake for ages! Try Valerian (the herb) or Calms (homeopathic Passion Flower and others) for relaxation. Or try two milligrams of melatonin half an hour before bedtime to “tell” your body it is time to sleep. OK, now it is morning, you have slept well (I hope!) and you feel the urge to get on with sorting out this mess! For the first few days, let boxes be boxes. Only unpack what you absolutely need to prepare food and get dressed. Make a pile of boxes in one corner of your new home; you’ll get to unpack them when the time is right! Make sure you all have a comfortable bed to sleep in and each room maintains an even temperature. Get the basics working in your kitchen, so you can nourish and comfort yourself and your children. It is vital for this metamorphosis, that You, yes You begin caring for yourself, as You would care for someone you love dearly, then you’ll soon be able to take better care of your children. In this phase you’ll have to compromise. Love them and feed them – that’s all, they’ll live and survive this better if you are strong and healthy!

Start writing a “Gratitude Journal.” I did this and it did speed up my healing. Find 10 things to be grateful for; it’s a powerful gymnastic exercise for your brain, causing it to shift and produce new positive neurons. Even Oprah says so... and you know if Oprah says so…! Tell your kids and your concerned family and friends that it’s going to take a while, that you’ll need every practical bit of help you can get. Tell them you know it will all turn out well for all of you, but they must to be patient with you. Your soul is rehabilitating! And don’t worry if you find yourself wondering around in the middle of the night, holding two candlesticks… and you are clueless where to put them… It is not Alzheimer’s, it’s just “Temporary Moving Disorder.” At that moment, imagine me in front of you, like a cop in front of a desperate, exhausted junk-addict. I hold out my hands to show you I am not armed or dangerous. I say to you, gently but firmly: “Put them down.” I approach you – not to handcuff you – but to hug you lovingly and tell you to go to bed and rest. Soon you’ll have more energy.

This is my grattitude journal

Oprah

“The single greatest thing you can do to change your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now. And the more grateful youare, the more you get.” 66

2. Morph into the New You:

Dare to Dream Make the place you live the place you’ll love. Most of us live with a longing for another life (home) – or at least improvements. I used to believe you could never decorate yourself out of mental pain, but in fact you can. When you’re rested, comfortable with the thought of living in a “Temporary Life and Home,” grateful for the small blessings in life and patient with yourself in the process, then it’s time to Dare to Dream. You’re going on an adventure, to make your best life happen within these walls! This is your cocoon from which you will emerge as the beautiful butterfly you were meant to be. And, as an extra bonus, you’ll be an excellent role model for your children. You’ll be showing them how to overcome life’s obstacles and to be grateful for life itself. Now, the present moment is the perfect time for you to steer towards your new life, and certainly the direction you are steering towards should always feel like joy and freedom. Can you remember what that felt like?

• who else have gone through this and survived? • What can I do with the life/home that’s mine now? • What is still making me happy? • What could bring me hope in the midst of this misery?

Ask yourself these questions: What now? These general questions can lead you to: A: How can I find others in my age group, and how can we support and help each other? Where do I find “Hero Stories” of people who lost their job at my age, did not hide, but used the storm to surge ahead? How can I make a home office to “dream and scheme” while I am looking for my right life? Can I take any job and stop being ambitious in corporate life? Can I shift focus and become a blessing to the ones I love in my private life? B: My son morphed in more than a physical way. “Dr. Brains” of all kinds showed him deep respect, knowing he had plowed through his final college exams and even taught his peers with a huge tumor in his brain. He’s no longer thought of as a wimp– he’s “Simba, The Lion King!” Undergoing this trauma in his young life is giving him the courage to seek bold new adventures in his future! C: Once you have stopped hating, crying, and grieving, you change your perception. You and you alone hold the key to forgiveness and love, and this op e ns doors to a bright future for everyone involved. You need to care for yourself and let go of poisonous feelings. In your anger and hurt you may want to kill others, but the poison you take will kill you instead of your target – so let go! Look for inspiration from other heroes and heroines that survived traumas and life changes; look for those that became colorful, unique butterflies soaring in the sun, like the caterpillar could never imagine! Car accidents, brain tumors, job losses, divorces, etc., never seem to be part of a “bigger plan” but they will be, if you begin to be present in the moment, be grateful for what you still have, and receive what you are given with grace. Life/God is teaching you a lesson, so study, read articles, read books, and watch inspirational movies of survivors. In the Tool box you will find the Pathfinder Vision Board which will help you set the coordinates to find your Unique Magical Life.

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3. Emerge as the New Unique You: In nature, after only 10 to 14 days as a chrysalis, the butterfly is ready to emerge. Humans often need somewhat longer! How long depends on “the bigger plan” and your willingness to learn and grow. When the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis, its wings are small and wet, and he cannot yet fly. The butterfly must pump fluids from its abdomen through veins in its wings, which causes the wings to expand to their full size. You too must pump all your thoughts of hope, love, faith and joy into your wings, before you are ready to fly. Next, the wings must dry and the butterfly must exercise its flight muscles, and you must as well! You will try and fail, but then you try again and suddenly you’ll see your life from a completely new perspective. Like the butterfly on its virgin flight! It’s a miracle; the gift in its shabby wrapping was the chance to become who we really are. We realize, from practice, that we are bigger than our problems. We now know our immense potential, and we welcome the opportunity to become a blessing to ourselves and to others. As we change the world around us changes with us. You’re a butterfly ready to emerge, ready to come home. My mission is to help you on your mission! So, here’s my personal House-Coach gift to you: “Four Steps to Help Your Home Emerge as a Butterfly.”

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Step 1: This is deep practice of the “Loving What Is” concept. Take photographs of every room and every corner. Pretend you are photographing someone else’s mess in a magazine or on TV. Then describe in writing what you see on every photo. You’re stating the facts here. For example, “I see boxes, furniture, and other items which belong in a bedroom. I see a chair which belongs in a dining room, cushions for a sofa, a flower stand for a garden (even if you do not have a garden anymore!), and storage shelves for an office, etc. When you have named the corners of every room and the items in them, they are “registered” for later use. Step 2: The next step is called “Adopting.” This consists of choosing furniture and decorations with love. First you divide your home, and even parts of the rooms, into zones. What is the purpose of that zone; what will you do in that portion of the room? Before choosing any furniture, decorative elements or colors it is vital to know WHAT you want to do in your home zones... like preparation before a real adoption. Then decide where each item fits based on what its purpose is in your life. Step 3: Sort, play and give away! Grab every box

and piece of furniture which you have registered and place them in the zone they would best belong. There might be too much and then you have to downsize using my 7-3 Downsizing tool (read the “My Story” chapter if you haven’t yet or see the Tool box at the end of the book). Put some of the items you have no room for but cannot let go of, such as your grandmother’s rocking chair, in “foster care” with a sister or friend, or store them in a storage facility. It is better to live with less. Better to be surrounded by items that really matter to you than to cram as much as possible into a smaller home. If you have gained weight, you wear loose clothes, not tight ones! Let your new home be airy and spacious – you can always bring more in within the next few months if you still want to. This is a “Temporary Home.” The emphasis, here, is on the word Home not on Temporary. Make it comfortable and store the excess stuff safely or just give it away! Begin placing items with the easiest pieces first: bed or sofa. Where would you instinctively like to rest your soul? It’s best to face the door, where you can see who’s coming in and with a wall against your back. If it’s a living room, you can place the sofa in the middle of the room and a desk or console table behind it, just to be sure “your back is covered.” This is an ancient concept and philosophy, from the days when we lived in caves and by nature we still respond well to this kind of “safety.”

Step 4: Place all other furniture in the right zones. Be playful on paper at first. Use music while you sort and move things to open up your heart to your natural-born “nester.” Sort paintings and pictures and if you need it, get help from someone who’s good at hanging pictures (we all know someone). Then place lamps. Consider asking for help here, too, for the wiring. Place your decorative pieces and remember all the time to keep a joyful and playful spirit and to reward yourself when you have completed “nesting a zone.” Colors are the icing of the cake. The ones that repeat themselves on your Pathfinder Vision Board are the ones to choose.

“70-30%” color tool: 70% of these will be neutral colors, which are black, white, brown, grey, white, beige, wooden material. 30% will be of your favorite color scheme. (Interestingly, in my work in the Scandinavian countries, this tends to be 80/20%. The warmer the climate, the higher the percentage of bright colors!) There could be images at the beach, such as green and blue/turquoise. There might be images of Miami or Haiti with brighter colors. Add the

color tones which make you feel happy, in accents such as cushions, paintings, posters, books, vases and candles. Or try just one wall with color (for pictures), or a square with wallpaper behind the sofa. Welcome Home! The butterfly has emerged, ready to fly and live the life it was destined to live! This is really about the journey and not the destination, though that is sweet too! But the vitally important aspect of all this is to feel at home in every zone of your home, to have adopted each and every item with love and to know you’re safe even in this tiny shoebox of a home. It’s wonderful to be back Home. And from here, you’ll one day move on to another, perhaps bigger nest, where you will be able to bring the rest of the “furniture family” in storage or foster care. This is the time when you acknowledge life’s miracles, both great and small. You are beginning to appreciate each day’s tiny blessings, but more deeply, you are grateful beyond measure for the newfound love and joy in your heart. And be aware: if or when another meltdown hits you, after another catalytic life event, you’ll know what it takes to go through all the stages. And you will know that you can do it! Now that you are fully recharged, it’s time to help your children through the exact same process:

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Children’s rooms: A “Soul Recharger.” This is vital no matter how small a room or how young the child. Children’s lives are the future of us all. Most teenagers and today also young children know how vital it is to know where the charger for their cell phone is located. No energy equals no contact with the outer world, and this would be catastrophic! A room without energy has the same effect: no recharging of the soul. Being deprived of energy for long will eventually make them Homesick-at-Home. They will be restless, not unlike a dog that turns round and round before resting and finally settling down. For “shared kids,” those who have two homes, this is even more important. They often need doubles of many things. Please make them feel cared for and let them know you understand how hard it is for them to have two places in which to nest. Get another key to a bicycle, extra school supplies, chargers, etc, in both places. No adult would ever agree to live on their terms, but we give them no choice. This is why their rooms are extremely important even if they only spend only a quarter of their lives in them. It must always be lovely and soul-restoring to visit each parent. If they always look forward to open arms and lovely rooms, they’ll more easily survive the life of a modern nomad. To create a room that recharges their soul, ask what their interests are and decorate from there. I once helped a

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single father with an eight-year-old son, who was trudging back and forth from either parent, every other weekend. Our goal was to transform his 80-nights-a-year “room at Dad’s” into a comfortable and fun haven. Since the son and father were both avid soccer fans, we decorated an entire bedroom wall with images of the son’s favorite team. Also, since he loved Harry Potter, we covered a used office chair with a Hogwarts cape his Grandmother had made. We topped the whole thing with some of his favorite Lego and old, much-loved teddies. It took only two weekends to create this with the help of friends and family, but it meant the world to the boy. And it soothed some of his father’s guilt! The son then wanted his friends to come home to both of his homes! And the father/son relationship remained close.

Even small children, down to the age of three, know what they like. Another client of mine was a newly divorced father who had moved into a tiny apartment with sloped ceilings. Forced to act fast to find somewhere, anywhere, this was available and cheap, both important considerations in a newly divorced situation. The father’s sister called me in to rescue him, since he had absolutely no idea how to make his little son comfortable, or how to soothe him, in this new “un-home-like” home. Although it had only one small bedroom, the father had decided it would be for his small son, and we set out to decorate it. I brought fabrics from Designers Guild for children, as they are always a hit with kids! As the little fellow scrolled through the myriad patterns and colors he stopped suddenly. His face lit up with a huge

grin, and he showed us a vibrant pattern: a lime-green background and a big pink birthday cake in the center with multi-colored candles. “I love this!” he exclaimed. He was bursting with joy but the father was not too pleased with the little boy’s choice. I suspected it was simply too “girly.” His father kept looking through the patterns and discovered one with little blue and red cars on a green background. “Look, cars, you love cars!” Nice try, I thought to myself. But his son instantly scrolled back to the birthday cake. “No, I want this!” His face clouded over a little, and as his father looked up at me in despair, for help, I knew I needed a compromise! I smiled encouragement at both these strong personalities, and said, “Look, I can make blinds of the Happy Birthday pattern that roll up during the day and down at night… and then you paint a green wall near his bed, and I’ll make multi-color cushions with the car pattern for the bed… How’s that?” We made a deal and then the happy little boy could wake up to the sight of “Happy Birthday” every morning on the blinds and feel again the joy he felt when he first saw that lovely cake.

This teenage girl got stuck with the left-over furniture from her parents and old bedroom curtains from the 80s. This room was not a “Heart and Soul Recharger.” We got to work, all together, on a makeover, full of intent and design and creativity, with her tastes and needs in mind. Her father worked with her to design and create a new desk from MDF (medium dense fiber) and when we were done, the young girl blossomed.

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Kirsten Steno: House-coach

Myth: You need to find the right kind of house and perfect location before you can settle into a home, where you'll then feel Love, Peace & Harmony. Reality: You need to feel Love, Peace & Harmony inside yourself, then you can make anywhere you live a powerful home and live a powerful life. 72

Our Story – A Patchwork Family A “Patchwork Family,” one of the most common living arrangements in today’s world, is simply a new family made up from pieces of divorced families. Simply may not be the right word for it, because it is anything but simple. It consists of pieces of families trying to adjust, find comfort, and fit with pieces of other families. No situation needs House-Coaching any more than this one. It is full of potential pitfalls: arguments about money, bedrooms, how to bring up the kids, how to decorate, and on and on. It is all so new, and somehow we go into it believing it will all be peachy and easy. When it isn’t, we don’t know how to cope. How I wish House-Coaching existed to help Frank and me and the kids when we went through it! We could have saved two years of pain and struggle… Our story may help you. You may relate, and you will find tools that will save you some of the angst we endured.

The day my book Home with a Heart was released, I picked up Frank at the airport, as he had been in the USA for a few weeks. He accompanied me to the publisher where they had saved us the thrill of opening the very first box and viewing the very first book! Frank and I and the publishers raised our glasses of beer in a happy toast. What a moment! It was especially poignant and heart-warming for me; I was literally launching into a new chapter in my own life – this chapter! A while later, after we waved good-bye to my publishers and left the building, Frank stopped and turned to face me. He gently grasped my hand and looked into my eyes as if for the very first time, suggesting we walk down to the lovely church in Copenhagen where Crown Prince Frederic had married Crown Princess Mary. He thought it was the perfect place to light candles for my book. It was a brilliant idea! We slowly walked up the aisle and

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kneeled to pray in front of the famous figure of Jesus, created by the Danish sculptor, Thorvaldsen. Deep in our prayer of gratitude Frank spoke softly. “Will you marry me?” The words hung sweetly in the air, and in my heart. And just seconds before he had spoken those words, I had vividly heard in my mind the words, “Will you...?” So, I instinctively knew this was the moment. After our series of trials, tribulations, and relationship hiccups, we were finally ready. So without a shadow of doubt, I answered, “Yes!” Over an unforgettable dinner, where I gave him his personal copy of our book, with a heartfelt dedication, we decided to move in together… again! This time it would be on a whole new basis. We were much wiser, having gone through the process of forgiveness. This really means a willingness to see the light in someone’s soul, even when their personality harbors darkness. And all our personalities harbor darkness. Living in forgiveness not only frees us, but also frees others from the weight of our condemnation.

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Inspired by Marianne Williamson’s insights of love and spirituality, we had learned why so many facets of our lives had not worked before this point. We had learned that those difficulties stemmed from the parts of ourselves we had not yet integrated. So, where we didn’t yet accept ourselves, we attracted the lack of acceptance in each other. Where we hadn’t dealt with our shadows, we manifested shadowy situations. Broken parts in me encountered broken parts in him. You can only change what you realize and accept in your heart. We decided to re- write our love story and began by re-decorating our new home. I had written in my diary in 2008, “I must let go of my independence and the possibility of running back to my “turtle shield/home” whenever things get tough!” I knew they would, and this had been my answer in the past. The day I said yes to moving my son and me into a new life and home, again, with Frank and his kids, was

an even bigger challenge than the last time. That was because this home – his childhood home – was not ours. It was theirs, like our first “Waterloo” years ago. Oh, my, I can tell you there was a lot of fear involved! Would history repeat itself? (Be sure to check out the Camp David Accord description in the chapter, “Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl.” You will find it helpful!). Frank hadn’t insisted we stay in this childhood home, he just thought it was fun as a temporary home. He thought it was fun to be a “story” in my book and loved how we redesigned most of it together for later sale. Although his heart was not in it, he felt it would be good for his kids. Their mother’s life choices (as well as our earlier ones) meant they’d already overcome several moves. This was a safe place to them. They had known it all their lives and they certainly deserved to finally stay in a Home for a few more years! Frank and I planned to live in it as a “Temporary Home,” just for a couple of years. The world wide regression had hit us in Denmark too, so we chose to make the best of the house, have fun with the process until “times got better.” sound familiar? We had some finagling to do. There was simply not enough physical room for two adults and two teenagers and one young man. Happily this young man (Frank’s oldest son was 20 at that time) volunteered to move into a studio nearby. It was a perfect solution for all of us, because this allowed Frank’s daughter to move into the big basement room, where his son used to stay. She wanted

this room for years! And voila: her room became my son’s new room. My son had to sacrifice the big room he was used to and also give up what I liked to call our “ego time” together, in order to get a family life with more “action.” But he loved it! So it worked out beautifully, for all of us. So, now everyone had a room... or not? Frank had the garage with all his tools, his motorcycle and his car. But where was mine? Typically for most moms, we make sure our kids get a room, if possible, and our room becomes the bedroom or worse, the kitchen. But we sorely need a refuge in times of those trials and tribulations! This is hugely important in order to survive and thrive as a mother, a “bonus mother” and a lover. I’ll address this further in the chapter entitled, “The Challenges of the Patchwork Family; You Can Make the Quilt Work!”

40 + 40 + 20 Tool: In order to avoid moving in with Frank, or he and his kids moving in with us, I came up with a system: the idea of using 40% of his furniture and decorative items and 40% of mine. Then we would buy the last 20% together. This seemed to spell perfect fairness. And indeed it worked like a charm! Both of our souls, and the souls of our children, were given a fair chance of settling in to Home, with items they were used to and loved. I let go of many of my Shabby Chic items and furniture and Frank let go of many Phillip Stark pieces, stainless steel clocks and wine bottle displays, etc.

A former very masculine garage (with motorcycle) met a new feminine energy (cushions). I had to let go of most of my beloved French Shabby Chic and he had to let go of his French Modern design in order to fulfill the requirements of the “40/40/20” tool in our new home.

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Finding a theme

At first Frank and I agreed on finding a theme. We brainstormed ideas, sometimes over a restaurant meal with lots of red wine. Now let me warn you right off the bat about wine! It seems and feels very serious to both of you when you’re a little drunk, so when you’re talking to a Homesick-at-Home person it’s best to be careful with alcohol! Sometimes we’d chat and throw ideas around while we snuggled in bed in the late evening after lovemaking (women love to talk then!). Or sometimes we’d have a good chat/brainstorm on a Sunday morning with breakfast in bed, or sometimes while walking along the beaches nearby. After

On these pages you can see how Frank lived with his kids in the “before” shots, before his home became our new Patchwork Home. Before

Before

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After

Before

This "Retro Dining Set" was moved to another part of the living room. Instead his father’s desk became the new dining table. Frank added his Danish Design chairs. Panel curtains were created from hand-printed silk mixed with IKEA rice-paper panels.

After

This seventies house had old worn-out windows. I convinced Frank he could only sell the house if he made two new terraces and exchanged the windows. Little did I know then I’d be the one enjoying them! I am grateful that every morning when the sun shines, I am able to do my yoga meditation on the warm eastbound wooden terrace surrounded by flowers.

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On a trip to New York later that year, we were thrilled to discover an interior design language we both could understand. This was at one of the gorgeous New York BoConcept stores. I was stunned to find a Danish Store in New York and certainly had no idea at the time that I would be working with them at a later date! I liked the way the dark furniture, pale sofas and warm bright color tones in accessories made sense to my kind of decorating: It translated to 70% neutrals (Peace and Harmony) and 30% colors (Love!). There’s our mantra again – Love, Peace and Harmony! So, what we could agree on from our underlying interests? Here is the essence of what we both loved – and still do:

Global Living: Since we couldn’t agree on a typical interior style, we decided to play “Global Living.” We chose the countries in which we both had felt the most Love, Peace and Harmony and where we had had most joyful fun and romantic memories: - One end of the living room: Our condo in New York - The opposite end: Our sea cottage on Long Island - Our mutual home work place (copying the cover idea from my first book): - Our “hip” office somewhere in California - Our dining room: A restaurant in Paris - Our kitchen: Our countryside cottage in Cornwall, in England - Our bedroom: The French Bed and Breakfast - Happy Ending: Our Patchwork Home! In our new home it’s not 40 + 40 + 20 in every “country,” but overall, it is. In the chapter “My Story” you can see what my home looked like before. Then if you compare the images of our new Patchwork Home, you will recognize many items from our former homes.

• Travel around the world • Enjoying work which aligns with our desire to live our Life’s Purpose • Entertainment of all kind: Theater, concerts, cinema for the two of us or with the kids • Having guests for casual dinner • Crashing on the sofa, spooning in front of the TV • Finding a sea cottage (We found it in 2012!) • Keeping cost for decorating low in order to stimulate our creativity • Always honoring this concept: “To want and appreciate what we have and take what we’re given with grace.” 78

New carpet, new cushions (These can be turned over to reveal a completely different look: on one side they are just plain, no flowers. Sometimes, when it feels too feminine for Frank, he just turns them! The Roman curtains and new photo frames with lovely pictures = A Happy Wall = 20%

New York 30% mine, 50% his, 20% new: My two sofas with new white linen covers and my lamps = 30%. His 50% = 2 old coffee tables with one leg taken off (Frank’s design). His drawers redesigned with modern aluminum legs, and his TV and surround sound (it is more often men who bring this element into the new home).

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Long Island

50% mine, 20% his, 30% new. My chairs and coffee table (now even lower as a display table), my book shelves from IKEA, my white wooden lamps and my sister’s old kitchen floors mounted on the wall. His 20% consisted of books and his mother’s drawing books. A new “fireplace” and photo frames including real life souvenirs from our Long Island travels = 30%

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Paris

20% mine, 50% his, 30% new. My dining table and black painted top and two chairs = 20%. His bookshelves re-designed and a drawer re-designed, his mother’s white porcelain, his wine glasses and wine, and his lamps = 50%. The new white cupboard, photo frames, and a chalkboard of painted chipboard = 30% new.

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Hip Office

40% mine, 40% his, 20% new (copying the front cover idea of my first book). My tables and book cabinets, my MAC = 40%. His chairs and top from his bedroom table, his MAC = 40%. New lamps, frames and travel memories = 20%

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Cornwall UK 30% mine, 30% his, 40% new: My Shabby Chic porcelain, antique pitchers, my former kitchen fabrics now turned into a roman blind = 30%. “His” kitchen, the 40-year-old electrical devices (kept for fun) = 30%. New wallpaper from Ralph Lauren, new mixer tap and mirrors, new fridge and dishwasher and different mugs we had bought on our travels = 40%.

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South of france My turn to get 60% (He got the garage for his car!), 20% his, 20% new: My curtains, my dresser, my mirrors, and my old table with my pots on the terrace. His bed = 20%. New wallpaper and cushions (Designers Guild), new photo frames for our Pathfinder Vision Board = photo collages of Love Peace and Harmony. Plus Joy!

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You can copy this system easily, but sometimes fairness can become a challenge, when one of you has little in the way of possessions. If this is the situation, try it another way, by remembering two key questions:

• What soothes my soul, and fits my nature? • What if anything were possible? (Examples: Living on a boat or in nature, such as in a cabin in the woods). Here is how it worked for one of my male clients: He went directly from a broken marriage into a new relationship. Staying in a hotel for six months, he stored his few belongings at a friend’s house. He only contributed a large leather sofa and a flat screen TV to the new living situation. So to keep the balance, he bought more than his new partner to come up with “his 40%.” And she had to downsize her belongings to get down to “her 40%.” Then they had fun buying the remaining 20% together! A Room of My Own: Our bedroom turned into my “Asylum.” Every parent should aim to have it – we need this! It needs to be somewhere lovely where you can close the door and just breathe. Mine looked and felt like my former home (the French B & B), so when I needed to find my soul, I retreated to the bedroom. I placed fresh flowers in my favorite old French vases, lit candles, listened to soft music and read a good self-help book. Or I dove deep into myself with meditation and yoga on a soft blanket on the terrace, when the weather would allow it. Although I often entered my Asylum frustrated and exhausted from work or Patchwork Family life, I always came out in “Zen Mode.” I was ready to give more of myself to the three peeping chicks who wanted food and attention, or in other words, my love. I retreated to my Asylum when my “bonus-daughter” surfaced from her Dungeon room in the basement. She watched her favorite TV show in the living room, sat on “my sofa” while chatting on Facebook on her laptop, texting her friends and eating a favorite snack – all at the same time! Her aura or essence filled the whole room. Because she wasn’t “mine,” I felt the need to leave my place at the desk. Had this been my own son, his aura

wouldn’t have disturbed me at all. There would have been no “beeping alert” and I could have easily asked him to turn down the TV or shut his mouth while eating! But somehow you just can’t do that with a “Bonus child!” Sorry, but that’s just how it is! She too felt my aura but fearlessly stayed and claimed her place – well done, Sweetheart!! Post Script: Frank and I and my son Nikolai still live here in our Temporary Home, five years after my little family merged with his. Nikolai will leave us soon, the final of our three butterflies! We have both been willing to compromise, not buying a bigger, smarter, more beautiful house or beginning to build our dream house. This beautiful life we share and the joy of writing this book for you are much more important and valuable to me. We travel a lot alone, together and with our three grown kids. We work a lot, but it is very fulfilling and does not feel like work to us, because we are living our deepest passions. I have given up the office downtown. Now I can write in my “French” office (my son’s former room) or at the public library with a fantastic view – for free. When our grown children are home to stay with us, we enjoy being a Patchwork Family at its best. It’s so funny: we used to be the talk of the town, when we broke up and sold our huge home. Now we have become role models to others who have lost so much in the recession, to those who thought an ugly house would not suit their personalities or image. If comfort and prestige were our highest aims, we would have missed out on the full lives we live today. We now know for sure that life is full of conflicts. And whether we pass or fail these tests, they can be welcomed! Ours gave (and still give) us enlightenment and new life lessons. It can truly be a challenge to try to blend and fit two lives into one. Considering those complexities, you may agree our soul’s integrity is tested, and sometimes even our sanity! Frank and I often pray in the morning or at night before sleeping, or after our occasional, trivial arguments, and this always propels us safely back to our LOVE center. May you also find Love, Peace and Harmony in your own Patchwork Family! Take good care of each other. And remember: as well as being beautiful and perfect individually, woven together with love and patience you combine to create a comforting quilt – a true piece of artwork. In the next chapter I will share with you tips and

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from BoConcept catalogue

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How to be a Happy Patchwork Family: Give all the patches a fair chance! More and more, the term “Patchwork Family” has come to mean a family in which at least one parent brings a child from a previous relationship. The Patchwork Family is the fastest growing form of family, worldwide, and as you might expect, putting the patchwork together successfully can sometimes prove a delicate process. They are in need of support and encouragement, and great tools, from a House-Coach! Creating a Sanctuary of Love, Peace and Harmony: Once you have finished moving yourself and all your belongings into the new common home, it’s wonderful – it is everything you’ve been dreaming of! You are finally part of a family again. In the first months your relationship consists of passion, fun, joy. You feel so alive and everything feels easy. It’s like sailing, with all the bliss and challenges of finding balance on a rolling sea. For me personally, there was an unforeseen issue which

held both negative and positive repercussions. I could no longer “run home” to my own place when we argued. My words would fail me and tears threatened to give me away as soft. I had to stay in the midst of the war zone, and being a highly sensitive person I found it very difficult. In fact it was awful. But I finally grew up. I learned from it, as I created our little Sanctuary in the bedroom and used it to calm down through meditation and sleep. All parents, but particularly Patchwork Parents, need to have a Sanctuary in their home to stay sane. The problems of everyday life will come sneaking up on you as the passion and romance recede a little. And at that time you need to be ready. Remember the words of the stewardess on the plane: “Always put on the oxygen mask yourself before helping your children.” This works too in a new Patchwork Home. Begin with your new bedroom and create “oxygen” for your souls.

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 www.TheHomeFactory.dk. This couple has a very special touch for interior design and they love traveling to Thailand: It shows in their home and in their lives. They use this Sanctuary to find peace alone and together when the world outside home has taken up too much of their Love, Peace and Harmony energy. And it works like a charm! It is just like having a cell phone charger… We all know how important that is!

Here’s an idea: copy a favorite hotel or Bed & Breakfast room or copy what you can agree on from making your Love-Hate Vision Board. Surround yourself with a few beloved items from your former home 40 + 40 + 20 (for the “How To” on this, see the “Our Story” chapter and the Tool box at the end of the book). Always create a Happy Wall! You can make a collage of photos and love notes framed on the bedroom wall opposite – or above the bed, to remind you both why you hang in through this process on the not-so-fun days! Take turns using the bedroom/sanctuary. Rest, meditate to music, or pray for help and guidance. Light a tea light candle on a shelf, as if creating a “mini-altar.” Read a good book to keep your mind off the world outside this room. Don’t ever argue in this room. Instead, go for a walk or a run, when you need to let out your frustrations. Only enter the Sanctuary to reconcile and rest, when you’re at peace again. The energy of Love, Peace and Harmony you infuse into this room will be a vital part of sustaining you as a loving couple and keeping sane individuals sane! It is the oxygen on which everyone in the house depends.

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The new common nest and how to live the best life in it: The rooms look odd at first. Now, this process requires a type of Camp David Accord on the highest level (for more information see the chapter “Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl”). All the countries (in this case the adults and children) want part of the same territory and need to put their heart into it and feel safe again. Moving is hard on everyone and it takes time for the soul to find rest. The longer the process, the more homesick and fragile you all become. Your love life changes, your children’s lives change radically, your parent roles change, your home-life changes... Who wouldn’t feel emotionally stripped after a while and need a place to rest and recuperate? When it comes to finding the underlying interests of everyone in a new home, I have found it very important to display a sign which asks: “Who lives here?” at the entrance. This is actually more of a statement than for decoration.

Martha Beck, in her book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, presents the metaphor of “hot tracks.” We can find the way back to our true selves (homes) by following hot tracks similar to those an animal leaves behind. I found my way home by following the hot tracks of love, peace and joy. When you feel something in your gut, you go in the direction it points. The same applies if you are an LAT (Living Apart Together); when you see pictures of yourself or your kids in the home you don’t live in, but visit often, they act as hot tracks. “We are part of this family,” the images say, and you feel more at home, more comfor-

ted that you are following the hot track to the trail of your right life.

Hallway: Who lives here? Show “hot tracks” in images on the walls mixed with a small shelf displaying personal memories (these are shoe cabinets). Your welcome to home should be a lovely entry, not an attack on your emotional peace of mind. Avoid clutter from school bags, sports bags, toys, work and excessive amount of clothes hanging from hooks. Avoid tons of shoes on the floor. Build in storage behind sliding mirror doors. We survived in our home of four or five people by keeping near only what we needed for that season. The rest was tucked away in old suitcases in a basement storage room.

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Patchwork Parent challenges:

I’m sure you will agree it would be cruel to give an unsolvable puzzle to a math professor. He might try for many years to solve it, being driven by the will to succeed. It may be the same with Patchwork Parenting! I wish I'd known what I know now; it would have set us all free from guilt and would have more quickly ended many silent “cold war moments.” It's an illusion that you can love and be loved by someone you haven't chosen or known all your life, but with whom you’ll have to live every other week or weekend. You never have time to tune into or bond with this person, but are always trying to be nice to each other, because happy faces are required! A Patchwork Parent usually has trouble with the little “prince and princesses" of the opposite parent – there is just so much competition for love and attention. Pointing out their sometimes spoiled and manipulative

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behavior often turns into nasty fights, where your partner brings up all the faults of your own children, who were not even involved this time! I know this the hard way, trust me. In the beginning it feels like two very different jigsaw puzzles: one with all green grass and one with all blue sea and bits of houses and boats. Nothing seems to fit; there is just no satisfying click from finding the perfect match. You know straight away when you have to press hard, or try to force that jigsaw piece into an almost fit... you sigh, put it down and hunt for another. STOP! Play another game, drop the struggle for a perfect outcome, and create a new art work of the mismatch – like a quilt! At first glance all the different pieces of cloth do not fit well together. But when it all is pieced together by a creative mind, it looks appealing and even creates patterns you didn’t see before.

Author unknown

I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know. The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so. For us to have each other Is like a dream come true! No, I didn't give you the gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you. 91

Living Apart Together, LAT – The challenges of two homes.

Love goes where attention flows. Where there is neglect in a relationship or marriage, people can leap into a new affair or relationship in a moment of passion. And pay the consequences later. I call this the “Company Christmas Party Syndrome”: temptation fuelled by loneliness, laughter and wine! Now, I’m not saying every LAT relationship begins with adultery, but certainly plenty do. It just happens; neither was paying attention. Although married to someone else, they fell in love at work, at the fitness centre, or wherever. You know the drill. Then when it becomes impossible to resist or live any longer with the lies and the longing, they ‘fess up' to their original partners. And their home life falls to pieces. Whether leaving voluntarily or thrown out, they both need to find a small Temporary Home. The new lovers always hope one day “soon” to find a new common home of their own with “your kids and my kids” and maybe even have “our kids.” Here are the new love logistics: If either or both of the lovers have children, the new single parents often alternate weekends or weeks. For example, they spend every other weekend with their kids and the alternate weekends with their new love. That is of course, IF they

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can get their Exes to coordinate accordingly. This is Hell on Earth and can involve a high level of warfare if the Ex is hurt or angry. Often the case. Next phase: Let's say a year goes by like this: You have two Christmas Eves, one for real and the other a “fake,” because usually you take turns having the kids for Christmas and other holidays. The new Patchwork Family has spent a short vacation together and the kids have been introduced to Bonus-Grandparents and Bonus-Siblings. The love affair is still hot; the long days apart fire up intensity for every other weekend. But restlessness inevitably sets in as they both live in half-finished, temporary homes. They get tired of packing and looking in the fridge trying to figure out what to bring and what to throw out in advance. Tired of living out of a duffel bag. This is the high cost of a new love affair. Losing the comfort of the former home is hard, but nothing like the longing of a parent to be with his kids on an everyday basis. Keeping up the heat in any relationship is a challenge, but in the case of LATs it’s even worse! They suffer from homesickness; they can’t seem to settle in. The place they are living just does not feel like home. Having a "Love Sanctuary" in the bedroom can save your (home) life on some challenging days!

They feel like they are in a vacuum – a “Home Vacuum”! Millions all over the world feel this way right now. They may have been unhappy in their former relationship for years, sometimes, and choosing this step has been very hard for them, knowing the ramifications of the decision and the consequences to everyone around them. But their partner may have been very hard to live with, or the two may have been very badly suited. Are you a homesick LAT? Or know and love someone who is? Well, I can certainly help ease the pain and find solutions that work as well as possible. As a House-Coach for Patchwork Families, living together or apart, I can tell you this homesickness is very delicate and needs some “thought wiggling.”

Here's a House-Coaching help summary:

• A love sanctuary in each home: As mentioned above, use the bedroom at each home to create a Love Sanctuary to be re-infused with good vibrations at any time. Create a Happy Wall visible from the bed, to remind you both WHY you are together. In each home make the best of what you have, and buy new things together such as furniture and accessories from travels: Use color tones you both like and make a Love-Hate Vision Board to make it clear what you can agree on. • In your new home, show in your hallway “Who Are We,” and if LAT then in both homes! Leave a hot track

to remind you every day. • Set dates (and keep them) to go on “romantic getaways” and agree always to leave all home/life troubles behind. • Create a Pathfinder Vision Board setting the GPS coordinates for your Ideal Life. First do this individually and then create a compromise together. Include action steps. This is to give you direction and focus in the midst of a Temporary Life. • Talk to kids about your plans and include their Ideal Life, whenever possible. • Make the kids’ rooms personal to them, even if it's only 80 nights a year. • Find some money to make your Temporary Life and Temporary Home the best it can be. I know it's expensive, keeping up with two homes. But if you look forward to how you want your future home to look, you can work towards it by creating bits of it now, in this temporary home. Accordingly to this plan you can decorate separately, surrounding yourself with lovely furniture and accessories that are part of the combined future picture with Love, Peace & Harmony! You never know how long temporary will be, but we do know:

Finding home for now is a miracle, and to seek home is to have found home, for now. Now is all we have and love is what home is.

For inspiration on interior design ideas and happy images to print for your Happy Wall: go to www.pinterest.com - re­member to set the alarm or you'll be lost for hours!

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Welcome Home

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I 0121

William Dempster Hoard

Happiness doesn't depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much. 96

The Guardians of Things You have all heard of hoarders; I call them the “Guardians of Things.” Or you may wonder deep inside if you are one. Do you save things, finding it hard to throw them away? Do you have piles of stuff you rarely look through in your home, in your garage, your attic or your basement? You feel sure this stuff has value and you can’t get rid of it? Yet I bet months or even years go by and you do not use any of it. House-Coaching is very helpful for the Guardians of Things, the hoarders. And many of us are, to some degree! We may be addicted shopaholics or collectors of things that are “fixes” for memories. I have met S, M, L to XL – to XXXL over the years and they (we) share the same traits. Sometimes the more extreme cases of hoarding do need a psychotherapist or psychologist, but many simply need to understand what they are doing, in order to release this behavior. Understanding the concept of Guardian of Things begins by uncovering the person’s feelings behind all

those potential treasures in their garage, basement or living room. Those with powerful “feelings behind the potential treasures” are always looking for Love, Peace and Harmony. They are often intelligent, well-educated, creative people who see “potential joy” everywhere: teachers, librarians, and others in public service work, where "filing and saving" is important. These are the Registration Guardians of Things, and it shows all over their home. Sometimes they stuff things on their computer too, saving every e-mail they have ever received. A friend of mine has appointed herself to the position of Family Registrar of her family, keeping track of old family photos, exam papers, jugs and fishing poles, etc. This, she explains, is so she will never forget her origin. Why? For whom? No one including herself really knows why, but my hunch is she'd rather live in the past than the present. The Collecting Guardians of Things are extreme hoarders, e.g., they will hold on to 5,000 different (very

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important!) cans or pens or lighters. You may shake your head, but they're just old-fashioned hunters who get a fix for every “trophy” they can mount and display. This can become an obsession – true compulsive behavior – and it's not so much fun after a couple of years; their homes and lives suffer. True addicts are driven by a sick soul and I can't help them. I refer them to specialists and pray for them and their co-dependent family members. The (Obsessive Compulsive Foundation is a good resource.) The Fix & Repair Guardians of Things are hoarders who, for the most part, seek fast money and a fix like a junkie. These men or women at one time found a seemingly worthless object, fixed it, and sold it at a profit. And oh, my, the kick of adrenalin and the boost to their broken ego can morph them into addicts for life! Although they seldom are able to pull this off twice, they collect and store everything everywhere and believe "one day soon my life will be so different." This form of hoarding is in reality "permission to play."

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The female version saves cabinets full of useless Tupperware bowls; a lid has been lost years ago and they hold on to the hope they will find a lost lid somewhere in the home or at a yard sale. Or she may store fabrics for quilts, teabag paper covers for art pieces (in Scandinavia) or broken bowls she can glue together. The headline here is: “Too Good to Throw Away.” My mom is one; her excuse is she was a teenager at the times of WWII and nothing would be thrown away. History can repeat itself: this decade of financial decline has provoked millions to become Fix & Repair Guardians of Things. The Emotionally Starved Guardians of Things and the Poor Guardians of Things will never get to the bottom of their mess by themselves, because they simply can't see the volume of it! To them it looks different than it does to us. Nowadays these people are the subject of TV reality shows all over Europe and USA and famous experts try to help them in various ways. If they don't understand why they hoard, their lives and homes becomes like the “running sushi” I mentioned earlier. (Japanese restaurants often have platters of sushi turning for the view of the customer. A few pieces are taken off, a few are added back on, and it never runs dry!) This analogy works well for these types of hoarders. Small things go in and small things go out; they believe they are sorting, all the time, but in reality nothing changes. Items of all kinds add value to their broken egos, and they need years of therapy to start loving themselves, to get “clean” from their “dirty pain.” This is the term coined by Steven Hayes, the noted psychologist and founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for those painful stories we tell ourselves, those that are rooted in our minds, in our imaginations. Often they carry great shame and I long to set them all free! Then they can take pride in overcoming the obstacle, and go on to become the Angels that help other hoarders. Pay It Forward! Then there are the Shabby Chic Guardians of Things, those who were born in the wrong time and place, e.g., those who feel more at home in France 50 years ago than in Kolding or Connecticut today... Yes, I bear those genes too. So does my dear friend Lydia, whose home is still pink, purple, pale blue and pale green with Shabby Chic decor all over. This even includes her husband, sitting on a linen upholstered sofa wearing a purple linen shirt, drinking coffee out of a worn flower cup. :-) (Love you!). At my talks I stand with my hand across my heart and say: “My name is Kirsten and I am an anonymous Guardian of Things. I haven't bought any ‘Shabby Shit’ item or been to any flea market for five years." They laugh

with me, not at me! What the hell is the comfort and joy from an old broken jug? It is not the jug. It is France, it is the lovely holidays, it is the memory of where I bought them. They become members of my family. It is the romantic sensation and feeling one gets from a beloved old movie, it is the illusion that life was better then. We were not as busy, not as rushed, we did not have to overcome so much at work, but could nest in peace. Eternal romantics are always potential Guardians of Things – these hoarders sometimes decide to run a B & B to cram in as much as possible in every available room of their home. I have been cured. To see how, read the “My Story” chapter; I used the 7-3 Downsizing tool and woke up to reality! So, are you’re a Guardian of Things, one of these types of hoarder? Or do you know someone you think is? Where to begin, where to get help? In the USA there is a foundation called NAPO, The National Association of Professional Organizers. (Google it in your own country). “Hoarders” has now become the internationally accepted term for being disorganized and clinging to what you believe is “important stuff.” There is also the website of “Office Hoarders,” where colleges take photos of their hoarding coworkers. Also, check out Dave Al-

”Too good to throw out” is the mantra of a Guardian of Things. This guy may have started out as a treasure hunter and found something he considered valuable! He earned money on other people's trash. The adrenalin kick he got out of that has turned him into a junk addict. You may think this hoarding stuff is insane, and to a certain degree you are right. I know this has nothing to do with collecting "ball pen art" or "fixing things" (like the broken telescope or the exercise bike), this has to do with potential joy and recognition/love. Helping this man go back in time to find where he was broken will show the path to letting go and living a more balanced life. Sometimes this takes deep counseling or psychotherapy. len and his “Getting Things Done” site, which has saved many lives. There are many brilliant resources out there. And the tools I use may help. I have worked with many so-called “disorganized people” in my career as an interior designer and later as a House-Coach, in person and via Skype worldwide. I am going to share the stories of a few small and medium-sized Guardians of Things so you can see how House-Coaching helped them understand what they were doing. And overcome it. And move on to find their new life!

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Guardian of Things

– Work Space Chaos: Susan's Story: Look at this office. What do you think it's like to come in here every morning, turn on the computer and see a cluttered monitor background and an overwhelming inbox, with 100-300 “to-do-mails”? How do you find anything? The bulletin board is meant to be used as a reminder system in your work life. But when it looks like this, chaos has descended. The desk is in the same situation. So, what happened here? Susan used to be a successful kitchen-sales person, doing very well in a time when people stood in line to buy kitchens. A perfectionist, it was hard to find anyone as dedicated to work as she was. She managed to be promoted to manager of the store even while handling the demands of two kids and struggling with a rocky marriage. She admitted to being touchy and sensitive at home because she was so overwhelmed by the weight of everything in her life. And she wasn’t sleeping well. She told me she never found the needed time and focus to be able to finish promised offers, calls, or email. She just couldn’t bring herself to say, “I really wish I could help you, but I'm sorry, it's not possible for the moment.” She did not dare. But she longed to hang a sign on her office door which proclaimed “Closed due to overwhelming work tasks.”

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She hired me to decorate her store, but when I saw her office, I really wanted to help her find a balanced life. Generally, when people are no longer working out of joy and pride but out of fear and stress, it can look rather disorganized. But, oh my God, this office was way beyond disorder, this was cliffhanging! I decided on a bold shot: I sat down with her over coffee and told her about my years of burn-out. I told her of my divorce, the sickness, and the hell I went through. I predicted she might be on that descending path, and begged her to let me help her. To my surprise she agreed. Soon after this she took two days of holiday so I could dive in. So, where to start? In TV shows like “Extreme Makeover” I always find myself wondering what they do with the old stuff… with all that old clutter! No one seems to care once the bus has moved on, so I thought I'd do the same. I tried out the “Ostrich-Tool” for the first time – it was fabulous! I came in the morning, occupied her office, took down everything on the board, and packed it in one folder writing “Board” on it. Then I took everything from her desk – yes, writing “Desk” on it. Then each drawer, and each shelf, putting all the contents in moving boxes and stacking them against one wall in a storage room. Voila: one day's work.

Then the next day I cleaned the office, bought new flowers and joy-filled accessories, and hung photos of her beloved family and inspirational quotes about what life is really about: Love, Peace and Harmony. This is a type of “Feng Shui” and intuitively it has the same origin: clearing the space for new energy to pour in. This creates a more peaceful place from which to cope with challenges. But when Susan came back in to work, she was stunned. Terrified. And she could have killed me on the spot! I had created the horror of her worst nightmares. Where were all her notes and papers and how was she going to find anything? It was a shock to her, and normally I would prepare a person for this harsh treatment. But this stressed woman couldn't have coped with the option of agreeing or disagreeing with my procedure. I knew she'd refuse, so in order to help her, I just gambled, took charge, and made the decision to abruptly take away what she couldn't let go of, wouldn’t let go of. This is how a friend of mine dealt with her four-yearold who would not give up her pacifier. The mother hurled it one day into the burning fire of the living room stove, muttering, “She may miss it for a minute, but she’ll get over it.” She had seen other parents trying to manipulate their children for years into giving their pacifier to Santa Claus or in some other fashion being persuaded to part with it. My friend’s way worked. After a bit of initial shock and loss, the little four-year-old forgot about it, never asked about it again! Call it “tough love” or being “cruel to be kind.” But it works, and sometimes, whether dealing with a grown-up or a child, this is what you have to do. I sat down with Susan in this newly clean office and explained that this room was now like a cell phone charger; it now gave her energy, instead of sapping her strength. I assured her we were going to sort through all the notes and papers and mail that she was afraid had vanished, and that with a good system, everything would work much more efficiently. And I explained that she needed help to say No to others and Yes to herself, if she wanted to survive her future. We opened her computer, printed out every single mail in the To Do folder, went to the storage and took the first box, entitled “Desk” and made four paper piles. Then we made an old-fashioned spreadsheet-style To Do list. At the end of the day, we put only this list on the bulletin board. Like the tool Get the Damn Things Done (see more in the chapter “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby” and the Tool box at the end of the book) we added a column following the task, naming who could help with what and when. There's always a way out of hell if you ask for help! Almost everything in the

overflowing drawers was in the To Read category, such as articles she was interested in. Many smart women in business are Information Guardians of Things, and many life coach trainees are SelfHelp Article Guardians. (I fit in that category; I save articles on my computer from Oprah, Martha Beck, etc. and never get around to reading them). Over time, Susan had collected so many wonderful articles that the drawers of the desk were jam-packed. I knew if she hadn't found the time to read them yet (some were over a year old) she just wasn’t going to! They were not urgent, not essential for her quality of life right now. So we kept some, but a great many went in the trash! Was there fear lurking behind this habit of Susan’s? Absolutely. Self-doubt made her keep articles as a creative deposit, so she could copy those ideas if and when she hit a mental blank working with a future client. What a limiting thought! But it haunted her. Stephen Covey presented a very helpful system of organization in his renowned book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This involves separating items into four categories: urgent and important, not urgent and important, urgent and not important, and not urgent and not important. We dealt with the papers in Susan’s cabinet in much the same way. They were mostly documentation of her successes from the past: emails with congratulations on her promotion, “thank you’s” from her clients, etc. Here was fear again; she never truly believed she'd be good enough to become the manager of the store, so she needed proof. Once she understood this, we planted in her mind this mantra: "I deserve this job because I am damn good. I'll continue to be creative, I was born to be creative, I never need to copy or keep proofs of my past successes." Then she could let go of piles of paper with a smile! And I can still hear her huge sigh of relief... a letting go. Like giving birth and handing the baby to the nurse. What was left? Books she liked, the potential joy of the best of her To Read articles, and the list of To Do’s on the bulletin board where she could physically cross things off, something you cannot do in a computer document. Deleting a line on the computer does not give you a kick, while checking one off with a pen and a flourish brings relief and a brighter outlook! In turtle steps Susan recovered and has completely forgiven me for kicking her in the gut with my “Let's pretend it's a clean office,” ostrich kind of office-coaching for small hoarders. Google images of “organized offices” and see all the inspiration you can get – including the work of Peter Walch!

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Making the place you work into a place you love is easy. What makes you happy? What makes you creative? What makes you feel energized? Surround yourself with the answers. Find inspirational quotes, images of mentors, love notes and visible proof of “I was born to do this”! It is guaranteed to make your work better and have a balanced work/private life.

FROM BOCONCEPT'S CATALOGUE

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How Guardian of Things can let go of their past and trust in a bright future:

Home Office and Life Chaos: Christine's Story:

I first met Christine when enquiring among friends and family for a good web designer. My brother had met her and highly recommended her work. He also shared with me that when he visited her home, he thought, "Oh, if only Kirsten could come here and help." So, it seemed a perfect match; we could exchange services as well. We arranged a time for me to visit her in her little cottage in a small town by the sea. Walking up the front path I was jumped on by Christine’s two dogs: a huge black-haired male Newfoundland and a smaller female sheep dog. They were both beside themselves with excitement, barking continuously. Christine hollered at them to keep quiet, as most of us do, with no real effect! I liked her immediately: her lovely eyes, her kind spirit, and the glow and aura of love I could see around her. Inside the cottage, though, I was hit by the smell of dogs and cigarettes, and found it a little hard to breathe in that atmosphere. I asked her to show me her home and tell me the areas that bothered her, the areas she felt needed help. She guided me around in a little house-tour, making excuses the whole time. She was trying to explain why the floor, the sofas – well everything, really – was covered in dog hair. She liked her belongings, her beautiful objects of art, paintings, and many books. There were heart-shaped items, angels, antique puppet-theater, all dying to be liberated from dust, looked at and loved again. Just like Christine. She confessed she had been fighting financial and work-related problems for some time, and it was necessary for her to focus on just surviving. Therefore, she reasoned, she had little energy left over for homemaking. I fully understood; I had been there myself. She herself did not look very healthy; her skin was grey from smoking and her hair was thin and colorless. She confessed she had reluctantly let go of her usual pride in her appearance, and this was visible in her home, too. In fact, only the dogs looked great, because they got all the love and attention!

Dust covered everything, and the cigarette smoke had permeated the furniture and even dulled the walls and furnishings. On an old desk lived her MAC computers and right next to them was an ashtray filled with cigarette butts. Her spare bedroom was a storage facility: heaping towers of cardboard boxes piled up against one wall, and stacks of clothes piled up on a small table, looking like they might topple to the floor at any moment. Framed pictures were stacked against a wall. Because she lived in this environment every day, I knew she really didn’t smell or see the problems. She was desensitized. I have learned that for the mind to survive it just shuts down. Guardians of Things, from the lightest to the most severe cases, rarely see the mess. They believe it is just the way it is, they are doing the best they can, and nothing can change it. We sat down over a coffee to chat. I could sense she felt safe with me. So I touched her arm gently, and braved a pretty direct question: "Tell me what happened? How did you, with your education, with intellectual books, antiques and art pieces, end up here, like this?” Her eyes filled with tears, but she knew I wanted to help her, that I was not sitting in judgment. She began to relay her story, filled with all of its "dirty pain." So this was her interpretation of the life she had lived, strongly influenced and colored by her own emotional pain. Sometimes we need help to see it from another person’s point of view. Christine had owned a successful commercial agency and enjoyed the distinction of being one of the first web designers in the country. This successful past included a lovely house near Copenhagen and wonderful parents and friends. She looked great and possessed a wealth of style, talent, and self-confidence. Looking for love, she met and married a charming man who lived on the other side of the country. The thrilling magnet of home and family prompted her to leave the house she loved and the successful life she knew, to leap into this adventure. They moved into a lovely house near the sea and at the start, it was all

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blissful. Then everything went wrong. I will spare you with the details, but in the end she lost everything, including her health. When they divorced, she took the rest of her savings and bought the little cottage, where I met her, retreating even further into "Nowhere Land." Not unlike a wounded animal, she hid, with just her two dogs for company. She desperately needed to try to heal from her mental wounds and physical health issues, the result of prolonged stress and misery. Unfortunately, she had hooked up with a small advertising company who paid her late, and poorly. She bravely refused to abandon the independent life style her own company afforded her and the sense of freedom it gave her. And of course there was the benefit of working from home with the dogs. As we talked, I asked her to share with me her thoughts and beliefs around the biggest issue: her money problems. As it turned out (and this is true for many of us) the two big stumbling blocks were fear and shame. What drives these emotions that plague us? Truth is, we all have a nasty little voice inside us, which

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stems from our reptilian brain. The reptilian brain is described best as the emotional brain, by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, in her book, My Stroke of Insight. For our pure survival, this part of our brain is vital and has served us since mankind’s cave-dwelling days. It looks for dangers everywhere and pumps out the fight or flight response.

However, in our modern world where we are not often chased by tigers, the reptilian brain continues to find or even create things to worry about: our kids, the economy, the mortgage, promotion, etc. So it is important that we learn to notice our thoughts, and stop them cold when they are generated by unreasonable fears. We can free ourselves from this pressure. Inspired by Martha Beck’s concept of the “Inner Lizard,” in her book, Steering by Starlight, I began to take notice the fears generated by my own version of this, which I call the “3-F Voice,” the 3 Fs for “FightFlight-Freeze!" For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are not from our own mind, but from the voice that drives us to either fight, flight, or to freeze. Christine, too, I explained, was listening to her 3-F Voice. I asked if she would be willing to recognize it, tell me what animal it is, name it, and then try to mentally calm it down. And never again be intimidated by its fear-mongering. Christine laughed at the idea but agreed to play along. "Well, when I close my eyes and listen, I see a long, slithering snake with tiny eyes… and I hear a small, squeaky voice…. But she can also roar, I realize. I think her name is Susie. “Ok, good,” I exclaimed. Then I suggested she grab her pad and jot down Susie's 3-F Fears. Christine chewed on her lip for a moment while she thought about this, then she started to write. Turned out, Christine's main fears were all very similar to mine and to those of other clients. And probably to yours, too! So, I suggest you call upon your own 3-F Voice, name him or her, then write your own list of fears. It is very enlightening!

• What scares me the most to lose? • What am I afraid of becoming – or not becoming? Here are the two key questions to remember: I felt Christine’s fears as I knew it from my own life, when I was a poor single mother. And I knew the similarities from coaching other single middle-aged Guardians of Things over the years. Many of them expressed amazing creativity and ability to love (but sadly this is often with regard to pets and the "wrong men"). Many shared faith in Angels, God, or New Age religions.

Here are the top 10 fears most commonly heard from the 3-F Voice, in random order: 1) Fear of losing your loved ones. 2) Fear of never having enough money, always being in debt and depending on charity from others. This includes shame and guilt from what you see as your poor handling of money, with the subsequent fear, "It will never change." 3) Fear of losing your home. 4) Fear of never getting over the past hurt of being “different," the feeling that you are an outsider in the family, or in the social group at school or at work. You may be scared your low self-esteem will drive you all your life. 5) Fear of parents’ or ex-husband’s predictions coming true: "You will never amount to anything," "you'll never find work," "you'll always be fat," etc. You may fear you will be controlled forever by a defensive determination to prove them wrong. 6) Fear of never having peace of mind, fear of always living a stressful life. 7) Fear that God is only in our imagination. Fear there is no grace, no love from any Divine figure, no hope, no heaven, no Nirvana! 8) Fear of dying from cancer, heart attack, or brain tumor, before we are able to live the lives we dream of. 9) Fear that we will never truly love someone and no one can ever truly love us, or fear of compromising: “What if ‘the one’ is right around the corner?” Fear of finally loving and then losing. 10) Fear of aging, losing our beauty and sex appeal.

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Most were overweight, enjoying some kind of stimuli: tobacco, wine or food. And all of them had difficulty sorting, organizing, or giving things away. They all collected what to them could be potential joy or guilt, but to us just looks like junk: stacks of paper, heaps of cardboard and plastic boxes, and piles of unidentifiable items! Christine was no exception. Learning that she consulted Angel cards (someone had just recently given me a set by Doreen Virtue), I started there. We did a reading with the cards which fortunately were all good signs for her! As I worked with the cards, a perfect example came to me. I said, "Let me tell you a metaphor story. The Angels just sent it to me for you.” She nodded eagerly, leaned back into her chair and drew on her cigarette. I could clearly see new hope and a new spark of life in her eyes. "Close your eyes, please, Christine. Now, imagine yourself standing at the edge of a beautiful lake on a hot summer's day. You have always wanted to swim naked in the water – wanted to know how it feels… You look around carefully, sure that no one's nearby, and so you feel quite safe, even bold. You slip off your clothes, step into the water and oh, my, it feels just like you dreamed it would! You swim a few lengths, and then you roll over on your back and gaze up at the perfect, iridescent, sky above you. You revel in the feeling of the cool water embrace…” I stopped to give Christine a chance to assimilate this wonderful sensation, then carried on. “Then, suddenly your feet are tangled up in seaweed or something you can’t see. Oh, no! What is that? It scares you! It pulls you down, and now you're fighting not to drown, waving your hands above water… You are pulled down again under the water. You fight your way up again, but there is that endless pulling at your feet, at your ankles… You are terrified! You are about to give up, when you feel you have no fight left. You‘re exhausted… It’s hopeless.” I left a beat or two. “Just then you spot some people at the shore standing beside your clothes. They holler, ‘Swim back! Just swim back!’ (What they really mean is, ‘Pull yourself together, damn it!’), but they don't know, they can’t know, that you can’t – though you desperately want to!” I left another short pause, while Christine reached for a tissue. Even through her closed eyes I could see a tear creeping through her lashes, and trickling down her cheek. I said, “You are in this drastic situation because you dared to try out a new adventure, but it just didn't turn out the way you hoped. And now you blame yourself – you are full of guilt and shame. You say to yourself over and over, ‘Why on earth did I do that?’ You dared try

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something you always wanted to experience: fall in love, get married, move to another new town. You gambled your savings… And you feel you lost it all.” Christine opened her eyes. She looked stricken. I touched her arm gently and smiled. “It’s okay, Christine, listen. So, now, I am there, with a few other people, on the other side of the shore, and we have all experienced the same terrible stuck situation. We all know that ‘the seaweed is to blame’. Life itself is risky. We all know you need help to get unstuck! We cut away the seaweed that binds you, bring you safely to shore, and wrap you in a ‘house-coat… All is good, you are safe, you survived…” Christine’s face was relaxed; she had closed her eyes again. She looked tired, but there was a peace on her face that had not been there before. After a few moments, I continued. “It’s crunch time, my dear. You can choose: Either we take you back to where your clothes are, and you go on where you left off, with your life the way you lived it. Or you get new clothes here (new insight on your life's purpose) and I help you walk a new path. Chart a new course.” Christine looked at me with the beginnings of hope and determination accompanying the tears in her eyes. “Oh, thank you,” she whispered. Then the fear came back..."Oh, but how? And I can't pay you or buy anything!" I replied, quickly, “No problem – you can make my webpage instead. Two new friends helping each other out! "We started the "untangling" process in her home and in her life. Everything needed to come out of her cottage – one room at a time. With a little coaching and new-found confidence, she found the courage to ask for help. We found local friends who helped us haul everything out of the living room. We made a cozy corner in the kitchen and stacked boxes in her garage, so we could clean the whole room from scratch, empty. Time for a “do over”! We arranged for a cousin to help her strip the floors and varnish them. I got her the paint, and she took on the huge task of painting everything in the living room: the ceiling, the walls, the windows and the stairs to the upper floor – all by herself. Touching the walls with her own hands gave her the feeling of being connected to her home again. This process is vital to become one with the new you. This is the equivalent of your new home. And besides, being creative is such good medicine for the soul. She had little money for new furniture, so decided to simply buy new covers for the IKEA sofas and floor blankets for the dogs. Now this was a major challenge for

her: to set new boundaries for the Newfoundland and the sheepdog. She took comfort in their company on the sofa at night, but I suggested it was not good for her to sit in furniture covered in dog hair. And not so nice for her future guests either! It's hard for single people without children; their pets become their children, and in return they receive the comfort and unconditional love they long for. I styled the new living room with her freshly cleaned art pieces and other beautiful life companions – those memories, those happy memories she had chosen to keep for life! She made flower bouquets with the roses from her garden and the living room started to look like something out of a magazine. It was amazing the effect this one room had on Christine. It was living proof she could live beautifully, in a clean and cozy environment

surrounded by love! It provided a nurturing room for her soul, and once done she found the energy to move on to the other rooms. After a break of couple of months, we took on the small shed in her back yard. It was formerly a garage, where things could have been stored while continuing the whole house-cleaning. But this building was completely crowded too, crammed to the rafters with paraphernalia and detritus of her past business. There were three once-expensive printers that needed repair. Realistically, I told her, it was now much cheaper to buy new ones. She remembered the great expense and held on to the feeling of being a successful business woman, which unfortunately created a slightly irrational attachment to these printers. I coached her to let go. How? The answer lay in her understanding the "why" behind it all.

Using “Sticky-Tags” to name feelings behind the “stuff.” Those who are Guardians of Things have at least three feelings which they attach to their "stuff." They are: 3) "Painful memories." 1) "It might be worth something.” This is stuff like old tax papers, unpaid This can be a broken item or some originally invoices, other kind of papers relating expensive item. Perhaps it came from a yard to debt, old love letters from painful or garage sale, was found in a dumpster or relationships, clothes from a skinnier was handed down from friends. (I call this version of yourself, or pictures of that “Pass the Turkey”). You see it as possible cash, period, when you felt beautiful. But now possible opportunities, or possible fun. I asked her to put all of this is painful to look at because it all reminds you pink Sticky-Tags on all these items which matched this of “failure.” I asked Christine to put blue Sticky-Tags on feeling state. Stuff marked with pink Sticky-Tags is often items matching this feeling state. Blue is shame and guilt unsellable, outdated or too broken to be worth repair. from the past, and we don't need that in our bright fuComing to understand, through life coaching, that she ture! was safe, and that life was still full of Love, Peace and Through life coaching you can understand that Harmony finally made Christine able to let go of things just lifting the boxes, carrying them out to the car, dumpshe no longer needed. ing them in a dumpster and driving home, adds up to the right thing to do! You will feel lighter, and freer. And on 2) “Feel Good Memories.” your way home, you say out loud, “I forgive myself – I am These are items which remind you of free of any guilt and shame of my past.” former happy events or people you loved and were loved by. In Christine's case it was all of these: her father, her former successful life and her home. I asked her to put yellow Sticky-Tags on items matching this feeling state. Yellow stuff (with yellow Sticky-Tags) must be downsized with the 7-3 Downsizing tool. We're not erasing memories, just letting go of too many things and keeping the lovely memories in our heart.

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Question the thoughts behind the stuff. In Christine's case, I showed her the photographs I had taken of her home office and her garage, exposing all the piles of stuff which surrounded her (suffocated her!). I told her: "If you let go of all that is broken with the Pink Sticky-Tags, then let go of all the Blue Sticky-Tags which represent "bad memories and guilt," and return the things you are guarding for others… Well, then, my dear, what’s left is much easier. All you need to do is sort through the good memories and what can bring you potential joy. You use the 7-3 Downsizing tool, and you're good!" She agreed, and we set a date (her birthday!) for her friends and I to come and help her physically get rid of things and take them to the city dump. That Saturday in Easter, her friends and I started taking all the stuff marked with blue and pink Sticky-Tags out of Christine’s shed. She was in charge of coffee and cake and to be available for sorting questions. We took charge for her, and that is very important. Someone “immovable” but still sensitive has to be in charge (you don't negotiate with a dentist; when a tooth has to go, you have to trust him or her through the whole painful process). We stacked a pile of broken printers, other office machinery, broken furniture, old paint, piles of papers, etc. and emptied the whole shed in six hours. It disappeared in three trailer-runs. Before we left, Christine went with me and said "goodbye" and "thank you" to the things that once had served her well. And she let go of the thought that there was any potential money, new business opportunities or possible creative fun attached to them. Postscript: It took us seven months to get through the whole house. We broke the whole thing down to turtle steps. During the process, I came once a month and we kept e-mail contact, to follow up on the tasks she needed to do. She really did well most of the time; there were only a few times she was at the brink of giving up. It is the hardest thing in the world to sort out your life and "space-clear" a home, while you're drained from work and struggling to survive at the same time. It truly is. The ultimate phase was to solve the debt issues, her

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work situation and the physical state of her body. This phase was all about losing former pride and self-esteem and was certainly the most difficult part for Christine. To own a house and a car were minimum requirements to her, even if the bank owned both and wanted to take them away from her! We talked about selling the house, moving back to her own area, where she knew people and had family. She collected photos of beautiful small houses in that home area, and I helped her place them on her new Pathfinder Vision Board. (See the Tool box at the end of the book). She added images and work ideas of a bright future, angel cards with positive predictions, and pictures of how she intended to look at the end of the process. Her board expressed a world and life full of happiness and love. She was resetting the GPS for her future life! She needed to see and believe in the vision of her new life and to see that this would be so much better than remaining "hidden away!" She needed to believe again in a life where she was at home and safe, looking and feeling good, enjoying her work, and being with people she loved, who loved her in return. She envisioned living a life replete with travel and enjoying a successful career helping others be visible in their best way online. Even in these troubled times her house was sold within six months. She moved back to her area of origin, renting a nice apartment which we decorated into a "Home with a Heart." She reconnected with old friends, lost weight, dyed her hair, bought new glasses… She looked great! She still does. Her vision board today feels organic and alive and is often renewed. She has a new job and still owns her own company. She's still not quite where she wants to be, but thank God she's not where she used to be. Now she knows it's all about enjoying the journey without too much luggage! I know behind every so-called tragedy there is always a bigger purpose for our lives. Once we learn to find solutions for our own lives and believe in our own greatness, we're qualified by life to help others see their own greatness. And thus we become a blessing to the world!

Every one of us is unique. And our "stuff" is unique to each of us and its meaning is very personal. When you ask yourself the questions in this chapter and look at YOUR life, at the clutter in your home, your office or on your computer, I sincerely hope the truth will set you free to move on to the life you long for. The loneliness, homesickness and brokenness that often lie behind the mess can be healed by reaching out to yourself with compassion. And to others with an open mind and heart!

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 At mid-age I loved reading the book EAT PRAY LOVE and wanted to follow in the footsteps of Elisabeth Gilbert. So I had my own palm reading by her mentor, Ketut Liyer, in Bali. (We found him, not easily, on our honeymoon!) Later we went to Rome where we ate wonderful meals and enjoyed life. After such indulgence I had to spend a month in India detoxing. It's never too late to follow a hunch and JUST DO IT when you say: "I wish I could do like Elisabeth.” We did: WISH - PLAN - GO!

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Young at heart = YAH The “YAHs” make up a large percentage of my clients, and they sure benefit from House-Coaching! In my experience, they are most apt to be open, ready, and to willingly grab the concepts and run with them! Perhaps this is because they understand and long for Life, Peace and Harmony. BoConcept and many other furniture stores have always aimed at the 25 to 35-year-old urban age group – the “settlers.” But today, the furniture world’s fastest growing clientele worldwide are the ones re-settling in their lives and in their homes past 45. They have money, they have time, and they are ready to make any changes necessary to live their lives to the fullest. They refuse to settle for less in life and continue to follow their life’s passions. This shows in their homes, in what they wear and in what they do! They have money and want to spend it on that which gives them balance, freedom, and fun in life. Great changes occur at this time: kids leave home, homes are changed or downsized, new and wonderful dreams are

pursued. Nowadays we age better and live much longer than our ancestors did. We hope to combine the enthusiasm of youth with the wisdom of age and experience. At this stage of life we cry, “If only I knew when I was 22 what I know now and had that young strong body! I could have achieved more and experienced life more intensely." (Though that is just another limiting thought). So, although this stage of your lives can be a time of meltdown, in actual fact there is a golden opportunity to morph from a caterpillar to a butterfly once again. Both the men and the women of the Young-at-Heart (YAH) are wiser and more demanding when it comes to nesting but keep their playfulness much longer than ever before. The wise know and appreciate that happiness is not a state of mind, it is a choice. We decide what we want to get out of life. We know it is never too late for Tango lessons, to learn to sail, or to travel all over the world. It is never too late to buy a holiday home somewhere in another country or

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in a part of your own country you’ve always wanted to live. My dear friend and “adopted sister” Helga obtained her driver’s license for a motorcycle when she was 50 years old. Her husband has a travel agency, www. dream-bike.dk (if you check out this website you’ll enjoy the photo's of YAH living life to their dreams… You can just feel the happiness!). Helga and her husband help hundreds of happy Young-at-Heart men and women explore countries like the USA, Vietnam, The Baltic's, Germany, Scotland and New Zealand. They have a ball and the “youngsters” on these trips are 40-plus. At my Trend Talks, many of BoConcept’s participants are closer to 50 than to 30. And I find I have been setting an example of what the YAH group is all about! Many Trend Talk attendees have told me they thought no one at 50 would launch a whole new career, be as passionate about life as I am and still be interested in fashion and design. I am always planning new worldwide travels and I love texting my husband. They figure I must be younger! At a recent Trend Talk in the UK there were relatively few couples in their 20s, 30s, and 40s; most were in their 50s and 60s. This is becoming more and more common! The oldest attendees were a man and woman who were at least 75. This YAH husband won an Imola Chair (all attendees at a Trend Talk enter a competition to win this gorgeous modern chair). How ironic. The whole urban living concept of BoConcept is aimed at the young clientele aged 25-35 and was never intended or designed for the older, Young-at-Heart crowd! Everyone laughed light heartedly at the BoConcept folks, the winner’s family, and even the older gentleman. And he laughed too! One of the points in my talks is with regard to our longevity: we live longer than we use to. It may not be 120 years, but we seem to expand time and life itself from the age of approximately 45 to 65. And we strive to get more out of every moment. After this particular talk a mid-aged man approached me. Since he had just turned 65 (and you couldn't tell whether he was 55 or 65) and still had a lot of plans, he suggested I expand that age group even further and up a bit! He had calculated that no matter how long he might live, he would never

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be able to spend his money. He said this was the biggest life change for him. Suddenly he wanted to live for more than accumulating money, he wanted to live in the now and surround himself with LOVE. He had taken my talk to heart, and was now committed to “making the place he lived into the place he loved.” His invitation to attend the Trend Talk had been issued by the YAH owners of the store who thought he'd be the only “old guest” that evening. Now he felt comfortable being surrounded by other YAHs. all of whom were enjoying the timeless design of BoConcept and a lovely evening. He ended up signing on for a visit by a BoConcept Interior decorator to maximize his current home! Who could have known?

The Age of Miracles:

I went to Florida with my husband to begin writing this book. We were surrounded by YAHs in every town we went. This is the state in America where the YAHs come to stay/retire and enjoy the warmth of the sun from fall to spring. And some live there all year. They love: jogging, golfing, entertaining, shopping and Yes, nesting, big time. Many have plenty of money! At mid-age you may have saved, lived prudently to live well in your senior years, or have made a lot of money from business. Or maybe you inherited! No matter, how you came to money in Florida is not important! On the flip side we also met many of the unfortunate ones that had lost all their savings in the Regression and drove taxis or worked as waiters. Or there was the 65-year-old cashier woman who held on to her crutches while packing my suntan lotion at Wal-Mart. We encountered several similar people. As I said to my husband, they only work because they have no other option to sustain life. In my country that would never happen; welfare and elder care come from paying enormous taxes – all Danes hate this until we get older and start benefitting from it! All over the world we have low-scale and upscale YAHs. The financial level itself is not important to have a good home and a happy life, in my experience. Attitude is everything. But I can always spot a person’s mood, and

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Love of Design 114

Viggo Mølholm, son of one of the founders of BoConcept, served as its President for many successful years. Last year, as he turned 60, he passed the CEO torch of responsibility to a new leader and is now the Chairman of the Executive Board of BoConcept Holding A/S. He and his wife are both Young-at-Heart, as you can see in their home, which exemplifies the wonderful Danish coziness we call "hygge." The cushions, candles, flowers and art pieces tell of their joy of life! And a elegant sense of timelessness is shown in the design from BoConcept and other Danish top designer furniture. No one in their 20s, looking at these photos, would guess that a so called "middle-aged" couple live here, because YAH are now completely unpredictable in their lifestyle choices and in their homes. Their fine-tuned skills create the best of life – and it shows in their home!

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Wonderfull Copenhagen

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An American/Danish YAH-couple living in Ame­ rica for 40 years had a life long dream of spending their summers in Denmark. They bought an apartment in Copenhagen and asked me to decorate it as “homy as possible”. We “met” virtually via Face Time, and I sent collages and sketches to help them visualize their dream. 80% is BoConcept furniture and accessories, 10% are Second Hand Retro Scandinavian Classics (lamps and ceramics) the rest is IKEA (poster frames, forrest photo on canvas in bedroom and guest room cushions). One wall is yellow so you can see the white color as contrast – if all walls were white – it would just be a “backdrop” not a bright color.

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An empty soul-less room can morph into a soul-restoring room, once you know the answers to "What makes you happy?". My clients answered, "playing in the forest as a child," so we created a forest retreat.

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An empty kitchen is transformed into into a warm, welcoming room. A Danish fishing boat (Retro Poster), a retro lamp "DooWop" (Louis Poulsen) and old milk bottles full of flowers remind of happy childhood memories.

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Inhabit Yourself: Turn on the Lights in Your Rooms. In Florida I went to “Bookstore in the Grove” (BookstoreintheGrove.com) in Miami to enjoy their famous coffee and cake. I moseyed around happily, seeing which books spoke to me. I always do that; I love to go into book stores, wander around where my soul tells me to. I just watch with a soft look and an open heart to see which new adventure calls to me. Looking for Martha Beck's books, I discovered they were sold out, then bam, there it was: The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I bought it immediately knowing this would be a “heart opener.” As a Danish reader I didn't know her at all, but I remembered the parting words of my dear friend Connie from Tampa, Florida, where I had stayed to write. My husband arrived to take me on a two-week Florida tour in a convertible (very YAH!) and as we were leaving, Connie called out, “I'll send you a poem by Marianne Williamson. You'll love her!” She did, and it made an impression on me. So I was thrilled to happen upon this wonderful book. As I dived into The Age of Miracles, I started folding the corners of pages I wished to remember. Then I underlined, and highlighted, and then I added StickyTags all through it. I had to read it twice that week! On our vacation my husband and I read passages and laughed and discussed the new age of all possibilities. And it set me free as a mid-aged woman. I loved her way of describing what happens when our children leave and we are left alone or with each other. Understanding and really believing there are still so many opportunities in life changed many of our limiting thoughts about our own aging. To quote from her book “Once we've realized that life is not as fabulous in some of the ways we thought it was, we also realize it's even more fabulous in ways we could never have known… We can forgive ourselves for the past, that wasn't all it should have been and commit to a future that is all that it can and should be – now that we've finally grown up… You feel at last like you inhabit yourself. You finally went into all the rooms, turned the lights on and settled in.” The new You longs to march into every room and turn the lights on in your life. You can make it real by using your current home; you must adopt every single room of your home all over, and make it yours. This applies whether you stay in the home where you had your kids or move to something smaller after the kids

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have gone. Let it reflect who you really are: your tastes, your joys, your memories, your colors, your sense of beauty. Then you connect to it, you are fed by it, and comforted by it.

Your home is truly You Adopting your home and life – falling in love once more! I have many clients in the YAH category. They are restless and eager to find new Love, Peace and Harmony in their lives. They have moved furniture around for a couple of years, tried new hairstyles, lost weight, had affairs or shifted jobs to find new joy in life. You can probably list many more examples from your life or from your YAH parents or friends. When some YAH meets on the golf course or after Zumba classes the conversation for both men and women is often about selling, moving or re-building the “old home.” (Yes, I know you get it by now: Home equals Me). I have helped many couples move from a wornout home which no longer fulfills or reflects them, into a new vibrant apartment or modern home. I recommend keeping 50% of the former furniture and accessories so you are not getting rid of everything from the past. After all, your life up till now has formed you into your new magnificent being. The next step is to downsize 25%, which means giving away items with love to someone in need, and then adding 25% new furniture and accessories. This will create perfect new harmony and yet will still feel like a safe “home sweet home.” Together, the YAH couple and I make an affordable and achievable plan to adopt every single room with love. This may be because they’ve sold the old home and moved to a new one. Or it may be that we re-create their old home into something they'd want to buy on the spot! We use many of the tools from the former chapters (summarized in the Tool Box at the end of the book):

BEST TOOLS FOR A "YAH HOME & LIFE" 

1. We find the underlying interests. This is the mid-age

second chance to feel part of the “Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl” stage! They create Love-Hate Vision Boards using these questions: “What makes your heart sing?” and “What suffocates you?” My goal is to make them fall in love with their home, themselves, and each other all over again and to go on to live their lives to their fullest potential. 2. Then we fill in a Get the Damn Things Done form (more in the “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby” chapter) and begin asking for help. They’ll need volunteer help from their friends and family and may need to pay some for carpenters and painters, etc., as well. 3. Downsizing Tools: Then they sort every room with the 7-3 Downsizing tool. (See "My Story" chapter and the Tool Box at the end of the book). 4. Pathfinder Vision Board: I love the moment when the light bulb goes off for my clients and they really understand this huge concept: all rooms in the home are a metaphor for our inner lives. They finally really do realize and dare to believe in a new start in life by creating this collage. It is a heartwarming moment for me to see their newfound enthusiasm! (In the next chapter, “Pathfinder Vision Board” you will find a full description of this tool). Just as Feng Shui dictates, these lovely, newly adopted rooms will give its residents energy in return. The desired life changes will happen simultaneously by divine intervention: We adopt ourselves and each other with love and acceptance; authentic boy meets authentic girl and they either fall in love again or they can let go of a relationship that has fulfilled its divine purpose. Letting go, from a sense of peace, makes room for new love and opens the door to friendship between old lovers. It is then much easier for children, family and friends to deal with. When we fulfill the divine law of love: “Love thy neighbor as thyself ” (thyself is “thy home!”) we receive love and grace in return.

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Martha Beck: Life Coach

“If your life is cloudy and you're far, far off course, you may have to go on faith for a while, but eventually you'll learn that every time you trust your internal navigation system, you end up closer to your right life.” 122

Pathfinder Vision Board A Pathfinder Vision Board can act as a compass and continual reminder to help you walk away from past pain and create a new life filled with true happiness. From more than 20 years of coaching and decorating homes, I know that most of my clients focus their entire adult lives on creating "success," in both their work status and their private homes. They strive to own a beautifully designed house, expensive furniture and art, and of course to create the “perfect family.” Naturally, the rest of us, viewing them from the outside, believe “they must be happy” and often set out to copy their life styles! They look successful, they seem happy and often they are. But working behind the scenes of countless homes, I witnessed these same people lose their jobs, their homes and sometimes their family. And I learned without

doubt the only way back to true happiness is living with people we love around us, in surroundings that embody or reflect love and peace, and remaining in harmony with life's own rhythm. An authentic life filled with Love, Peace and Harmony! The first step in this process is to identify and write down experiences and memories by noticing and acknowledging the feelings in your body and soul, NOT the thoughts from your mind. I will give you an example of how it works for me. When I remember painful situations in my life, those memories cause a negative feeling in my body, and are graded between 0 to -10. The positive responses I feel in my body and soul remembering happy events in my life are marked in increasing fashion, from 0 to +10.

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The negative spiral: Going from 0 to -10

0 would be an ordinary, forgettable day: Grey cloudy

weather, no body pain, my appearance is as usual, leftovers in the fridge for lunch. I’d answer e-mails all day long, procrastinating urgent work in a new creative way. I’d eat dinner with very little conversation with my family, watch a movie I'd seen three times before and go to bed after kissing my tired husband on the chin.

-2

would be a forgettable day too, only a bit worse: Maybe a toothache from a cavity, muscle pain in the neck from bad posture, no good leftovers in the fridge, just some mashed, tired salad. Incoming e-mails about bills I would need to take care of, my husband tired after work, no conversation at dinner, nothing on TV, he’d fall asleep on the sofa, and finally I’d walk the dog in the rain at midnight!

-4 would be a memorable day, or time in my life, where

I would feel really bad. Maybe we would wake up and continue a late night discussion about "fairness" (we both know there is no such thing!) on topics like “domestic work,” money issues or family issues. I might oversleep, not hear the alarm clock and then be late for an important meeting! This would be a day of stress and worry, the kind you would want to tell a good friend or your Life Coach about, if they asked, "How are you feeling today?"

-6

would be a very memorable day, or time in my life, where I would feel SO bad that I had to tell someone. I would tell my best friend, my Life Coach! Maybe I’d find out my husband was having an affair, or my largest client who owed me six months of fees would declare bankruptcy! Or my son could tell me he wanted to drop out of college to become a professional computer gamer. My MAC could break down, with 80% of my new book in it, no backup, and I’d be unable to restore any of eight months’ work.

-8 would be a truly terrible day or time of my life, where

I would react from the fight-or-flight response. I would need help from my family and best friends just to keep me breathing and living from moment to moment. This happened recently when my dear son was diagnosed with a brain tumor and it turned out to be cancer. My closest family and dearest friends were my closest allies during those hard times, on days of panic and deep sorrow.

-10

I would learn I was dying, or I would have to let go of loved ones before I was ready. This is the worst thing you can imagine in life: the painful death of losing life or love; it could only be worse if you have no faith at all in God or an afterlife.

This tool is inspired by Martha Beck's "Body Compass" tool

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Now I'll share the positive: You need to move back to the 0 setting in your mind, so shake your body as you let go of the past and all fears. Breathe deeply. When you're calm again, move on to the wonderful part: the "Happy Positive Climb" is ahead!

+2 would be a forgettable but nice day. The sun would

come out, my husband and I would wake up to find we are wrapped around each other in a sweet place of comfort and love. I'd have a "good hair day" and put on a nice dress. I would shop and buy new shoes. I’d walk in nature with my happy chocolate retriever, and would notice the roses in the garden and the butterflies. I’d get something done at work and we would have my dear 86-year-old mother over for dinner, play cards or watch a funny movie in the evening.

+4

would be a memorable day or time in my life: I would wake up feeling in love and happy, maybe with my husband in some great B&B in Key West or the South of France. I'd get some sun, write all day, we'd make beautiful love in the afternoon, and enjoy great food and wine in the evening. Then we’d lie in bed watching a movie like "I AM" and feel the "Oneness" of human love. I’d read e-mails of gratitude from readers. And I would be grateful that God works miracles in my life as a result of my work with people.

+6 would be a particularly memorable day or time in

my life I'd have to share with my loved ones, best friends, my Life Coach and certainly on Facebook! I would have

lost the 10 pounds of "baby fat" at an Indian retreat and feel 10 years younger (tried it!). I would have found the right doctor for my son's treatment. I'd be able to give to a charity organization because I had sold many books (working on it). I would be spiritually blessed and speaking publicly to people who “break free” before my very eyes! I would be overwhelmed by love for my loved ones as they surprise me with love gifts on a day other than my birthday!

+8 Was actually the day when my first book was published in Denmark. And on the same day my husband Frank proposed to me. Another +8 day, of course, was our wedding day, when my then 17-year-old son Nikolai gave me away. Another was the time, many years ago, when I felt God enter my heart, heal my pain and set me free to love again. He took me up on his shoulders so I could see my life from a higher perspective! A powerful +8 day was the day my son survived his brain surgery. The brilliant surgeon removed the entire tumor giving superb odds for his complete recovery. It is a true miracle.

+10 Was the day I "died to self " and gave birth to my

son. From that day forward, I became second. It will be the day I die in peace with Jesus coming to take me home, with angels promising to take care of my loved ones for me. It will be the day I die painlessly and peacefully of old age, in my sleep. And it could also be a day where I "die to self " from deep creative meditation or in deep gratitude for my life. Being and breathing LOVE is +10. So, now it’s your turn.

It's OK to start out with a great deal or with very little; it will grow or simplify. Look at my Pathfinder Vision Board. it is an organic breathing board; the images that cause you to feel +2 to +10 will change over time, as your dreams come true!

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• What are the "minus” and “plus” days or times in your life? Starting out with a 0, what would that look like? When did you “die to self?” (+10) When did you stop to think and only felt love and peace? Have you experienced a time better than great lovemaking, better than winning the lottery, better than being young and handsome? The truth is: dying to self is love. Cutting the umbilical cord at the birth of your children or holding your newborn baby. Speaking one kind or funny word to make others smile is love, too. When we actively pursuit joy in our lives and trust the feelings and sensations in our bodies, they will always tell us the truth. We can trust them. They will always show us what actions will lead us nearer to (or further from) Love, Peace and Harmony. For this is what all human beings seek, after all, in our homes and in our lives. Here is the trick that helps you stay on a joyful path full of hot tracks, a concrete way to manage the negative markers that happen to us all: -2 feelings can be balanced out by doing +2 things such as buying new shoes or enjoying a lovely walk with your dog. -4 feelings can be balanced out by +4, such as visiting people you love. -6 feelings can be improved by +6, such as planning a wonderful holiday or reveling in a day at a spa. -8 feelings can be balanced out by +8, such as meditating on the good things in life. I suggested you visualize being with the love of your life, traveling with him/her to lovely places, being with your family around a Christmas tree. Feeling free to love yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes. Visualizing every step of the creation of a new lovely home, feeling the comfort of it, and entertaining and socializing in it. -10 feelings can be eased by praying for God to enter your heart and heal your body and soul. You can let love for others become your focus and priority in both work and private life. This would utterly balance out the fear of inevitable death, loss, or grief. Seeing death as a passing of the soul to a new adventure will eventually make death seem less terminal.

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Crafting a Pathfinder Vision Board on a wall! You don't have to display images of the “dark side" on the vision board; we all know what's there. We just need to set our GPS for the future life we want and we just chart that course. The destination is how we visualize our life, how we think it will look, and this includes our home! Opposite is the picture of my own vision board. Looking at the images and quotes on the mornings I take the essential time to do my yoga always brings my feeling states from +2 to +8. Your homework is to find photos and images: of role models doing the work you want to do, pictures of what makes you happy, articles with images of travel, or pictures of couples in love (if you're alone and want to attract that Heavenly Match!). If in a relationship, perhaps choose a picture of the two of you when you were newly in love, to attract that state of mind once again. As well as your own photographs, you can find wonderful images on I-stock and dating ads. In your bedroom or home office, or on the inside of closet doors, start by pinning a piece of string to mark the “Pathfinder Life Line” and place the numbers 0 to +10 with sticky tags. Next put up the images you have found, and instantly you'll feel the feelings of hope and joy this wall promises you. Going from “rock bottom” in your mind to Love, Peace and Harmony is the hardest part. The rest is just taking action steps according to your desires… And the future life you were meant to live will FIND YOU!

Lao-tzu,

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” In planning your day focus on how you can let "this little light of mine" shine as brightly as possible. Gaze at your vision board every morning as you perform yoga or meditate in front of it. I have done it for years now and it feeds my soul! Go on, find back to the hot tracks in your life and you'll find the animal spirit in you, the lovely gazelle, or the beautiful leopard, or panther you were born to be. Consider taking a picture of your Pathfinder Vision Board to use as the background on your desktop or laptop, and perhaps even your phone. You will have a constant reminder to be happy and grateful!

©Lorena Siminovich

Most of my dreams have come true and your dreams are about to come true. This is because when we are focused on what makes us feel happy, we align our behavior. We really can begin to live in the range, on the scale, from -4 to +6, which is the level of happiness we absolutely can aim for and achieve in everyday life. Sometimes during the day, when we meditate, sing a lullaby, paint, pray or make love, we reach the top of the scale and feel grateful for the Love, Peace and Harmony that is already in our lives. When we truly believe that the dreams and desires on our Pathfinder Vision Board – the DNA of our life! – will come rightfully to us at the right time, then we live in trust instead of fear. We begin to attract real love and surrender completely to life itself.

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Thank You There is no way I could have journeyed from a broken home, with a single mother, to where I am today, without the awesome writers who inspired me to be the very best version of my true self. I am sincerely grateful for your words and I realize, with humility, that I am on a life-long path of learning and growing. I dedicate this book to my dear son, Nikolai, who during the writing of this book suffered a terrifying and painful illness. For six months we couldn't receive a diagnosis, locally. When finally diagnosed by an Angel Neurologist at a private hospital, it turned out he had, against all odds, completed his International Baccalaureate degree with a malign tumor deep in his brain. We spent months in the hospital; I wrote, while he underwent treatment. And recovered! We practiced gratitude in our hearts, as best we could under the stress, but I confess there were days I was

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so scared and exhausted that I fell to my knees, praying with dear friends for miracles. They all came true. I had, without knowing, trained for this Triathlon by faithfully keeping my gratitude journal and my Pathfinder Vision Board. My determined optimism and faith rubbed off on Nikolai, his Dad, Frank, plus all the wonderful doctors and nurses and other scared parents we encountered. So it does work! I successfully “practiced what I preach." This is good news, and a relief to me, but oh, my, I would rather not have been so supremely tested. Dear Nikolai: Your amazing inner strength and optimistic outlook has cured you! You went from "wimp" to "Simba, the Lion King" and I am eternally grateful you are alive and well today. Thank you, dearest Frank, dearest Mom, my dearest soul-sisters and friends who held me up in hard times and always supported me and my family.

These wonderful books, countless audiobooks and articles have inspired me and changed my outlook on life forever - THANK YOU - each and everyone !! At BoConcept, I'd especially like to thank Bitten, for her endlessly helpful, competent spirit and the fun she brought to the project. Also my thanks to Torben and Kenneth, who offered me this huge opportunity to write a book on House-Coaching. They witnessed firsthand what House-Coaching can do to create heart-to-heart connection between customers and BC Interior Decorators. And thank you to all the lovely people I met at BoConcept world-wide, who welcomed me and my message with open hearts and minds. Thank you to my brilliant editor, Diana Soloman. You’d managed to morph my Danish-English text into lovely lyrics and added your own special music, which obviously you were born to do!

To you, dear Reader: May your life and home be a soul oasis, where you too can grow and learn and become a blessing to yourself and your loved ones. May you be blessed with good friends and family who will help you with practical needs and shower you with love and empathy when you need it most. Remember, never be afraid to ask for help and let people really see you: every aspect of lovely you as you transform from caterpillar to butterfly. May you be truly happy and prosperous in your work and in your life! Gratefully yours, Kirsten Steno

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RESOURCE: Tool Box 1) Vision Boards: Pathfinder Vision Board, Love-Hate Vision Board, Happy Wall: visual reminders and decorative in themselves! 2) Get the Damned Things Done tool: When you just can’t do it all. 3) 7-3 Downsizing tool: An invaluable method to sort and be rid of stuff! 4) Sticky-Tags tool: How to sort items.

5) 40 + 40 + 20 tool: The rule for combining belongings: your stuff, your partner’s stuff, and new stuff! 6) 70-30% tool: Design rule- 70% neutral colors and 30% bright colors. 7) 3-F Voice tool: The 3 Fs are for “Fight-Flight-Freeze!" For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are not from our own mind, but from the voice that drives us to either fight, flight, or to freeze.

1) Pathfinder Vision Board, Happy Wall, and LoveHate Vision Board: These are magical tools to help you visualize your dreams and stay on course to fulfill them! It is fun and easy. Pathfinder Vision Board: During the creation and use of the Pathfinder Vision Board there is often a moment when a client will begin to listen to her heart’s desire, and find the “hot track” to her best life. Once she proclaims “YES!” as she looks at images that trigger deep longing or a memory of great happiness, she begins to believe in a new start in life. The Pathfinder Vision Board can be for you personally only, for you as a couple or for the future of a whole family. You will collect images and quotes that make you happy. Don’t think about it, dream and follow your heart! There is no right or wrong way to do this, just your way. Take pictures in stores, cut pictures from magazines or scan the internet for images that touch you, move you, be they places, looks, art, furniture, a dream career, hobby or passion. Glue or pin the photos onto your vision board wall in a hierarchy of 10 lines. 0-2 of these lines are where you place images of what you quite like to do, 4-6 what makes you happy, 6-8 what you absolutely LOVE to do and 8-10 what allows you to let go of your ego and experience a blissful state of Love, Peace & Harmony... singing, sailing, art, gardening, building something, running?

This tool is so powerful I devoted an entire chapter to it, near the end of the book. See the chapter entitled Pathfinder Vision Board, and Christine’s story in the “Guardians of Things” chapter for an example of its use. The Love-Hate Vision Board: This is very similar, but each partner in a couple focuses on the things each loves and hates in their living environment: colors, styles, room sizes, decor, etc. In this way they can compare likes and dislikes and see where they coincide. The rest of the process of creating the board is the same as for the Pathfinder Vision Board. There is a good example in the “Boy meets Girl” chapter. The Happy Wall: is just that! Created in a similar way to the other Vision Boards, the Happy Wall is a collage board of joyful memories, photos and love notes. It can be framed on the bedroom wall opposite the bed, to remind you both why you stay in this marriage, relationship, or family living situation. It can be a wall in the living room or a wall in a children's room. (See how in “Our Story” and in the “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby” chapters). I have used them countless times with clients, and in my own family I have a photo of my first vision board in my French B&B apartment. I have redone my vision board many times over the years as my dreams have come true; they are magical tools!

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3) 7-3 Downsizing tool: Sorting and clearing out stuff can be very hard and I came up with a useful tool that works every time! As you plow through all the items you wish to sort, focus on two key questions, “Can I live without this item?” and “Who could I give this item to?” Then separate your belongings in this way: out of seven pieces of furniture, for example, you chose three of them to keep. Of seven books, you choose to keep three. Of

seven photographs taken on the same day, you choose three as lovely memories, and throw away four. You’ll find it gets easier after you have tried it once or twice. It will become easy to look at seven things at a time, choosing three to keep, while saying thanks and goodbye to the remaining four. There is a good description and example from my own experience in the chapter entitled “My Own Story.”

4) Sticky-Tags: This is a wonderful method to help you separate and sort items of all kinds. (See “Christine’s story” in the “Guardians of Things” chapter for a really good description and example of the Sticky-Tags tool). To summarize, you will use different colors of Sticky-Tags (Post-It Notes from 3M is a name brand of these small squares of paper with a sticky edge) to place on your items. Say you look at an item and think, "It might be worth something,” but it is broken, handed down, or from a garage sale with a piece missing. Plunk down a pink Sticky-Tag on it – you can’t save all this stuff! If you look at another item and get a good feeling from

a good memory of former happy events or of people you loved, use a yellow Sticky Tag. You can’t keep all this stuff either; these must be downsized with the 7-3 Downsizing tool. We're not erasing memories, just letting go of too many things. Then there are the items which bring up painful memories; use blue Sticky Tags on these. This is paraphernalia like old tax papers, old love letters from painful relationships, clothes from a skinnier version of yourself, etc. These may remind you of “failure.” Use blue Sticky Tags on these items and get rid of this stuff. lt is all from the past; let it go.

5) 40 + 40 + 20 tool: The rule for combining belongings: your stuff, your partner’s stuff, and new stuff! This tool teaches decorating a home, with fairness to all. Sounds simple, but this guideline can save heartache. 40% of the furniture and decor is his and 40% is hers, and they buy 20% together. In this way every member of one part of a

family (such as a Patchwork Family) can recognize their "old home" in some of the items. This helps to keep one part of the family group from feeling they’ve moved into another family's home. For a helpful example of the 40 + 40 + 20 tool see the chapter called “Our Story.”

6) 70-30% tool: This tool helps you with color choices: 70% of these will be neutral colors, which are black, white, brown, grey, white, beige, wooden material. 30% will be of your favorite color scheme. (This varies slightly for the Scandinavian countries, where it tends to be 80/20%. In warmer climates the percentage of bright colors is higher!) There could be nature colors; you might

choose soft greens and glues and browns. Add the bright color tones which make you feel happy, in accents such as cushions, paintings, posters, books, vases and candles. (See the chapter entitled “The Challenges of the Single Parent: How to Ease the Way!” in the “Emerge as the New You” section.

7) 3-F Voice tool: The 3 Fs are for “Fight-Flight-Freeze!" For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are not from our own mind, but from the voice that drives us to either fight, flight, or to freeze.

that protects us, but terrifies us as well! Our fears are usually very similar; the most common are fear of losing your loved ones, fear about money, fear of losing your home, fear of being different, fear of cancer, or of dying etc. See the chapter, “Guardian of Things,” and read Christine's story, for a very good example of how this tool works. Then write your own list of fears. It is very enlightening!

To summarize, we need to look at our limiting thoughts, because they stem from the 3-F Voice, the nasty little voice of our reptilian brain, that ancient part of our brain

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Get 'the damn' things done Problems to be solved

Name

2) Get the Damn Things Done: This tool helps you give up the lonely fight and ask friends and family for help. Sometimes you just can’t do everything, and people do love to help! There is a good example in the “Boy, Girl, Plus Baby” chapter, in the “Desperate Homemakers” section. You can copy this form here. Fill it in and you are on your way to getting those things done!

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Done

Want to change how you feel about your life? Begin by changing your home! Newly single and “camping” where you live? Divorced, recovering and have little heart for creating a beautiful home? happy in a relationship, but trying to figure out the compromise of living together? Newly married, each with kids, and can’t seem to make that living situation work? When a life crisis hits, a tired, confused or broken heart always longs for comfort and a safe place to hide... in other words, HOME!

We’ve all experienced the power of home. Wherever there is Love, Peace and Harmony within our four walls, that home becomes a “power station.” your batteries recharge when you walk in your door. our home is to us what the cocoon is to a butterfly: a safe place to evolve into the astonishing creatures we were meant to be.

In House Coach, Kirsten steno offers simple, easy-to-follow steps from her Interior Design and life Coaching tools. you’ll be inspired to change your home and change your life! and the real-life client stories in this unique self-help book will warm your heart and give you first-hand examples of her powerful system. a martha Beck-trained life coach and highly experienced interior Designer, kirsten steno has decorated more than 1,800 homes over the last 20 years. as she fine-tuned her methods, she experienced the joy of helping people find their way home to themselves.

try the wonderful ideas in House Coach and enjoy the miracles that take place in your life!

ISBN 978-87-989129-9-6