February 16, 2017 | Author: kimbakicks | Category: N/A
Are you inadequate or maladjusted? A problem to yourself? Perhaps also to others?
GROW offers you its remedy TRUTH CHARACTER and FRIENDSHIP
Which is also its challenge Are YOU capable of truth? Can YOU face life with character Are YOU prepared to be a friend? __________________________________ Revised edition
Copyright © 1957, 1964, 1980, 1982, 1983, 1985, 1986. 1989, 1990, 1991, 1993, 1994, 1996, 1997, 1999 Copyright © GROW (International), A.C.T., Australia 2001. Reprinted March, 2002 by Greenleaf Press, Auckland, New Zealand Ph: 64 9 828 4517,
[email protected]
WHAT IS GROW? GROW is a uniquely structured community mental health movement. It began in Sydney, Australia, in April, 1957, and has since spread to six other countries - New Zealand, Ireland, the U.S.A., England, Canada and Mauritius. GROW's Program of Personal Growth, Group Method and Caring and Sharing Community have all been developed from the findings of former mental sufferers in the course of rebuilding their lives after mental breakdown. Their groups were, in fact, first known as Recovery Groups. This name was subsequently changed to GROW in order to meet the increasing demand for the groups' services in prevention as well as in rehabilitation, and even more broadly for a popular school of life and leadership for mental health. GROW is anonymous, non-denominational and open to all. Its groups are run by their own members, sometimes with the friendly co-operation of a doctor, social worker, minister of religion or any mature member of the community. GROW groups vary in size from 3 to 15 members. Meetings are held weekly, last 2 hours, and are followed by refreshments. No membership fees or dues are charged. Contributions at the end of group meetings are strictly voluntary. No introductions are needed. Just come along.
WHY AM I IN GROW?
1.
To LEARN from the GROW Program how to make full use of my personal resources in overcoming my inadequacies and maladjustments and growing to personal maturity.
2.
To USE the GROW Group Method as the most effective means of getting for myself and passing on to others the leadership and friendly help of fellow sufferers who have found the way to health and maturity.
3.
To CO-OPERATE in and through the GROW Movement, with competent agencies and persons, for the community goals of mental health, social harmony and spiritual integrity.
BEGINNING GROWERS ____________________
INADEQUACY OR MALADJUSTMENT. We enter the way of growthful change by making the humble admission: "I am inadequate or maladjusted to life." These words can be understood to mean mentally and/or socially and/or spiritually out of tune with reality. Maladjusted means either in the wrong or sick. Inadequate means either immature or insufficient on my own. The important thing is for me to recognize in myself a real disorder or insufficiency which makes it necessary for me to change and to seek help. The only person who cannot be helped by GROW is the man or woman who is in real need and does not know it, or will not admit it.
The Twelve Stages of Decline and Maladjustment 1.
We gave too much importance to ourselves and our feelings.
2.
We grew inattentive to God's presence and providence and God's natural order in our lives.
3.
We let competitive motives, in our dealings with others, prevail over our common personal welfare.
4.
We expressed our suppressed certain feelings against the better judgment of conscience or sound advice.
5.
We began thinking in isolation from others, following feelings and imagination instead of reason.
6.
We neglected the care and control of our bodies.
7.
We avoided recognizing our personal decline and shrank from the task of changing.
8.
We systematically disguised in our imaginations the real nature of our unhealthy conduct.
9.
We became a prey to obsessions, delusions and hallucinations.
10. We practised irrational habits, under elated feelings of irresponsibility or despairing feelings of inability or compulsion. 11. We rejected advice and refused to co-operate with help. 12. We lost all insight into our condition.
The Twelve Steps of Recovery and Personal Growth.
1.
We admitted we were inadequate or maladjusted to life.
2.
We firmly resolved to get well and co-operated with the help that we needed.
3.
We surrendered to the healing power of a wise and loving God.
4.
We made a personal inventory and accepted ourselves.
5.
We made a moral inventory and cleaned out our hearts.
6.
We endured until cured.
7.
We took care and control of our bodies.
8.
We learned to think by reason rather than by feelings and imagination.
9.
We trained our wills to govern our feelings.
10. We took our responsible and caring place in society. 11. We grew daily closer to maturity. 12. We carried GROW's hopeful, healing, and transforming message to others in need.
-5-
MATURITY Maturity, or mental health, is the goal of the GROW program. It is the vigour and peace of a person who is wholly attuned to reality. We describe a mature person as having: • • •
A TRUE MIND A STRONG CHARACTER, and A LOVING HEART
or as possessing the following great habits or strengths which we call the five foundations of maturity: • • • • •
UNDERSTANDING ACCEPTANCE CONFIDENCE CONTROL LOVE
GROW WISDOM AT WORK. (These favourite sayings of Growers will be distributed in available spaces from here onwards)
A friend is as near as the nearest phone. Anyone who has a conscience has a chance. Be sorry for those who don't understand instead of resenting them). -6-
SOME FIRST PRINCIPLES. 1. Personal Value. No matter how bad my physical, mental, social or spiritual condition, I am always a human person loved by God and a connecting link between persons. I am still valuable; my life has a purpose; and I have my unique place and my unique part in my Creator's own saving, healing and transforming work. 2. Self-activation. My personal contribution to my own recovery or growth is irreplaceable. It consists of: (i) patience and perseverance in practising the GROW Program; (ii) the systematic development and use of my personal resources. 3. Mutual Help. The more maladjusted I am, the more I need help, yet to grow out of maladjustment I need to become concerned for and to be helping others. 4. Ordinariness. I can be ordinary. I can do whatever ordinary good people do, and avoid whatever ordinary good people avoid. My special abilities will envelop in harmony only if my foremost aim is to be a good ordinary human being. 5. Friendship. Among human relationships, friendship is the special key to mental health. As I am healed and harmonized by responding to the offer of true friendship, so the measure of my maturity is my capacity to be a true friend. (See p.24 for MORE GROW PRINCIPLES) -7-
WHICH TRANQUILLIZERS DO YOU USE? Where anyone stands in regard to mental heath or peace of mind can be discovered by asking: Which of the following "tranquillizers" do you mainly depend on to keep order in your mind and life? _____________________________________________ - Prevention and Rehabilitation 1.
God.
2.
Your own Personal Resources. Habitually: The 5 Foundations of Maturity (see Blue Book p. 6); In a Crisis: The 4 Stabilizing Questions (see Blue Book p. 11).
3.
Friendly Help. Individual and Group.
- Diagnosis and Treatment 4. Professional Guidance. Social Worker Marriage Guidance Counsellor Pastoral Counsellor Psychologist Psychiatrist 5.
Medical Intervention. Physical or chemical means (ECT, drugs).
6.
Compulsory Help. Restraint, by the State Authority in Hospital or Prison.
_________________________________________ Carry the message, not the person.
THE OVERALL KEY TO MENTAL HEALTH There is one brief, practical formula for mental health and happinessSettle for disorder in lesser things for the sake of order in greater things; and therefore be content to be discontent in many things. ______________________________________ THE COMFORTING PARADOX. If you think your whole life is going wrong, just because so much of it is going wrong. You're wrong. Mostly, when things go wrong. They're meant to go wrongSo we can outgrow What we have to outgrow. _______________________________________ THE SUPREME HEALER. He knows me better than I know myself; He has more control over my thoughts and feelings and actions than I have myself; He loves me better than I love myself; Therefore I will trust Him. -9-
THE THREE BASIC CONVICTIONS. (To steady our thinking, and keep our minds set on the way of growth).
1.
I am not acting alone, but co-operating with the invincible power of a loving God and with trustworthy and friendly helpers.
2.
I can compel my muscles and limbs to act rightly. In spite of my feelings.
3.
My feelings will get better as my habits of thinking and acting get better.
THE THREE BASIC DETERMINATIONS. (To steady our behaviour, and keep our wills set on the way of growth).
1. I Will go by what I know, not by how I feel; and I strive to improve my knowledge and understanding. 2. I will solve my definite life-problems and live this day well by constantly doing the right and healthy thing because it is right and healthy - not merely or mainly what makes me feel good in myself or look good to others. 3. Meanwhile, I will cheerfully accept various faults and failings as a natural part of my human limitations and my improving self; and I will actively ignore my disturbing feelings and gradually overcome them by the frequent surrender of myself to the healing power of God. - 10 -
THE FOUR QUALITIES AND THE FOUR STABILIZING QUESTIONS. To cut through an emotional upset, to keep order in a crisis, to think clearly and to come to grips with your problem: 1.
Be Definite. Answer the question: WHAT EXACTLY AM I TROUBLED ABOUT?
2.
Be Rational. Answer the question: IS IT CERTAIN. PROBABLE OR ONLY POSSIBLE?
3.
Be Wise. Answer the question: HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?
4.
Be Practical. Answer the question: WHAT SHALL I DO ABOUT IT?
____________________________________________
•
Change your losing game. Don't change your winning game.
•
Childlike to God, childish to no one. - 11 -
SIX RULES FOR OBJECTIVE THINKING. 1.
KEEP CONTACT - Avoid isolation and keep in friendly touch with other minds.
2.
FOLLOW GUIDANCE - Believe the word of trustworthy ordinary people and competent authorities rather than your own impressions and feelings.
3.
USE ORDINARY MEANINGS AND EXPLANATIONS - Always use the recognized meanings of words and the ordinary ways of explaining and proving things.
4.
DEAL WITH BEHAVIOUR NOT MOTIVES - Deal with what others do and say, and interpret it in the calm, common and matter-of-course way instead of dramatizing situations and attributing motives to them.
5.
EVALUATE SOUNDLY - Keep a clear and steady view of what is important and what is unimportant in the events of life and personal relationships.
6.
DECENTRALIZE - Decentralize situations and events from yourself and look for the total view which includes others as equals in a God-centred and growth-oriented perspective. - 12 -
THE THREE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTIONS. 1.
What am I really worth?
2.
How can we live in security and loving harmony?
3.
What may we hope for?
MY THREE VITAL NEEDS. To be SOMEONE - Unique Identity and Personal Value. To be AT HOME - Security and Loving Harmony. To be GOING SOMEWHERE - Purpose and Progress.
THE THREE BASIC CHANGES (for the development of my New Self) 1.
Change of THINKING and TALK.
2.
Change of WAYS.
3.
Change of RELATIONSHIPS. - 13 -
5 FIRST KEYS FOR UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS. 1.
Feelings are not facts. My feelings can be stirred as much by imagined as by real causes. Between a fooling and a fact there is always some (at least implicit) thought; and the more (disturbed I am the less my feelings are related to reality. My chief task, therefore, should be to keep my thinking true and my behaviour sound, and to go by what I know, not by how I feel.
2.
Feelings are like the weather. They are, in fact, a sort of internal weather. I just have to go on living through its changes as I do with the weather outside - and the bad weather can't last!
3.
Feelings are like children, and I am like the teacher in a classroom. It's up to me which ones get permission to express themselves in words or action.
4.
Feelings are good servants, still better friends, but terrible masters. Any feeling, no matter how elevated or beautiful in itself, if not controlled, can unhinge my mind and disorganize my life.
5.
To take artificial means (pills, hard drugs or alcohol) to meet the ordinary stresses and crises of life is to weaken my natural and persona! resources for living. (See p. 59 for 7 MORE KEYS FOR UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS)
WHILE RECOVERING Spot, Discredit and Actively Ignore Irrational Feelings. Learn, Adopt and Practise The GROW Program. Stop sabotaging. Resume Quickly and Without Fuss. Credit Yourself for Progress. Decentralize from Self. Keep Seeing the Whole Picture. Practise Being Ordinary. Minimize Complaints, Excuses and Criticism. Don't Make Personal Issues out of Problems of Adjustment. Use the Hopeful and Cheerful Language of GROW. Live One Day at a Time. Be Regular at Group Meetings. Let Time Pass. Often Renew Your Will to Change. Be Glad of Your Maturing Self. Help Someone Else to Recover.
PROGRESSING GROWERS S _______________________ BEDROCK. No matter what has happened to me, no matter how terrible or distressing or shameful it may be, I need never despair. Three truths, clearly and firmly grasped, can steady my mind: 1.
Whatever the trouble, It is one of those things that can and do happen to human beings.
2.
Disaster or collapse in the life of a creature cannot change the Creator.
3.
God, who made me and everything connected with me, can overcome any and every evil that affects my life.
My link with God's forming and restoring power is the first and final truth concerning my life. This is basic reality. This is Bedrock. If my personal breakdown has taught me this, it was just another of His blessings in disguise. _________________________________________ • Clear understandings make long friendships. • Confidence is not a feeling but an attitude of mind. - 16 -
WHAT DO I REALLY WANT? If I want at all costs to feel good, I am living to please myself, and I am radically self-centred. If I want at all costs to look good, I am living to please or impress others, and I am an alienated and worldly individual. If I want at all costs to be good — by consistently true thinking, wholesome loving and courageous living — I am seeking the real welfare of all concerned, I am living to please God and I am becoming a whole person. All in all, what am I building my life on — feelings, appearances or reality? Which of these three things do I want most of all: —
To feel good?
—
To look good?
—
To be good?
• Don't be an emotional reaction — be a person. • Don't be put off lovely things by objectionable people. • Don't be shy about being shy.
- 17 -
WHOLE PERSONS. Personal wholeness or maturity is a balanced development and vital harmony of thought, feeling and action. Persons fail to mature or they deteriorate when any one of these activities is over developed or under-developed.
What about me? Am I a LOPSIDED THINKER — lacking warmth and active involvement? FEELER — lacking clear understanding and controlled action? or DOER — lacking reflection and affection?
• Don't come in on the other end of anyone else's maladjustment. •
Don't get imprisoned in the "here and now".
• Ease off the organ recital (that is, complaining constantly of some ache or pain). •
Emphasize what is rather than what isn't - 18 -
WHOLE RELATIONSHIPS Mature relationships are relationships of shared maturity that is, of WISDOM, LOVE and STRENGTH in each of the persons concerned, plus good COMMUNICATION between them. Where wisdom or love is lacking, relationships become a power struggle. Energies which cannot achieve dominance will settle for sabotage — and the conflict and division will be worse, and harder to remedy, where communication is lacking or deteriorating. The healing of unhappy relationships may sometimes come about simply through improved communication. More often, perhaps, one or both of the persons may need to become stronger, wiser or more loving in other relationships first.
Friendship either finds or makes people equal.
Get off the misery-go-round.
Get out of the mentality and the role of the permanent emotional invalid.
Give your hang-up a rest.
- 19 -
GROW AND DOCTOR-PATIENT INTEGRITY. 1.
Members are expected to deal directly and on their own responsibility with their doctors, and must never be given cause to fear interference on the part of GROW or its representatives.
2.
Members who are still under treatment are urged to obey carefully their doctor's instructions.
3.
In keeping with their own rights and dignity, and the voluntary nature of the therapeutic relationship, members are reminded that they are always free to make representations to their doctors concerning the integrity of their beliefs and values and the proper use of their personal resources; and furthermore, where there is reasonable doubt, that they are free to seek another medical opinion on their treatment.
4.
Matters pertaining to diagnosis and treatment, and technical language from psychiatry, are banned from GROW group discussions.
NOTE: The above guidelines were formulated shortly after GROW's beginning, that is, well over 20 years ago. Since that time, as a result of the widespread careless and excessive prescription of drugs, the professional care of mental sufferers has seriously deteriorated. The pressure of patients' - 20 -
unrealistic expectations has played a part in this deterioration. GROW's leadership will continue to work out, in consultation with medical authorities, the protective and corrective measures to be used in this situation of conflict, in which trust is vital but the abuse of trust is common. While, therefore, our initial attitudes still stand in principle, and as a goal to be striven for, it is now regrettably necessary to urge group members generally to use great caution in choosing or continuing with a particular doctor. We note with appreciation, and endorse, the reminder of the Australian Medical Association to all concerned: "Medical science is knowing when nothing is better than something".
•
God doesn't make junk.
•
God doesn't usually change things. He mostly changes people so that they can change things.
•
God is a God of pleasant surprises.
•
God is at least as good as you are.
•
Growing is finding and keeping your truest self - becoming more wisely, strongly and lovingly the same.
- 21 -
BELIEVERS AND UNBELIEVERS IN GROW It is obvious from GROW group experience that those who have a very personal belief in a loving God and an after-life have resources for their own mental health and for helping others in their most crucial needs which unbelievers do not have. On the other hand, values (or caring) and conduct measure where anyone stands as much or more than expressed beliefs. For sheer willingness to help in human suffering the vital difference is clearly not between religious believers and unbelievers but between those who care and those who don't care. Consistent belief and consistent unbelief are extremely rare. Most of us seem to fluctuate inconsistently between these opposites, but to be developing on the whole more towards one than the other. That is why, though GROW is profoundly spiritual and Godcentred, it can draw no clear line between believers and unbelievers; and some unbelievers make far better Growers, and better friends for growth, than some believers. In practice, at GROW meetings unbelievers are never expected to join in the closing Prayer for Maturity or any other spiritual expression of Growers (even believers are discouraged from automatically doing this). And for those few unbelievers who cannot bear to hear any expression of religious faith even by others, special Unbelievers' Groups are authorized which omit all mention of God from their program and group method.
Provision has been made also for a special formulation of all basic parts of the GROW Program, which unbelievers may comfortably say, either at these special groups or in the course of their participation in the general groups. (See Appendix, p. 80). Finally, all positions of leadership, responsibility or authority in GROW are open to believers and unbelievers without discrimination
GROW AND CHURCH-MEMBER INTEGRITY.
1.
Members are encouraged to live up to their own, faith if they have one.
2.
GROW meetings may never be used as occasions for converting members to a particular denomination.
3.
Controversial or inter-denominational religious issues must not be raised at GROW meetings.
4.
Incidental references to one's own religious beliefs are acceptable whenever they consolidate common spiritual attitudes or show how the individual's faith has contributed to his mental health.
- 23 -
MORE GROW PRINCIPLES. 6.
Basic Goodness. God is always a good God, and is always good to me. To believe in a God of love is to believe in the ultimate victory of good over evil for ourselves, our loved ones and mankind.
7.
Hope. I can, and ultimately will, become completely well; God who made me can restore me and enable me to do my part. The best in life and love and happiness is ahead of me.
8.
Constant Improvement. Whatever my handicaps or limitations, my existing situation can be constantly improved by right habits of thinking and acting, and co- operation with help.
9.
Freedom. To be free - that is, to be the cause of my own actions - is my self-evident natural endowment as a human being. However, the more mall-adjusted I am the more my freedom is impaired. But even when my will is weak or perverted, I am still free to co-operate with help from my fellow-men arid from God so as to become strong and true. While I continue to surrender my mind and my will to God, no other creature can exercise direct power over my personal thoughts and actions; nothing can prevent my Maker from acting on me inwardly - 24 -
and enabling me to find and fulfil my true nature; I am radically free and I can become completely free. 10.
Responsibility. However I came to be sick, it is my responsibility to get well. Sick behaviour and wrong behaviour are the same disorderly behaviour viewed from the angle of who is most to blame. But it is certainly wrong to blame others entirely for my present disorders and difficulties, wrong to hark back to past causes to excuse present inactivity and unwillingness to change, wrong to stay sick when I can learn to get well, and wrong not to accept necessary help. Sickness, by making it harder for me, makes it my duty to try harder. I still have to do what is right and avoid what is wrong in my present circumstances. Only more responsible living now can reverse the effects of the past irresponsible living (no matter whose it was) which hindered my growth or caused my decline.
11.
Regard for Others. My maladjustment and suffering are never a good excuse for disregarding the rights and feelings of others. Since mental health is essentially a harmony of personal relation- ships, I cannot deprive another person of this harmony without continuing to exclude myself.
- 25 -
12.
Wholeness. Health means wholeness, and the proper care of it is the endeavour to understand, regulate and develop my human life as a whole.
13.
Healthy Intention. I tend to defeat my own purpose when I aim primarily at enjoyment, health, approval, popularity, safety, salvation, holiness or happiness; or try too hard to achieve any of these. On the other hand, I find that if in each case I strive for something more important which transcends me, then the desirable thing in question tends to come my way as a result I will there- fore grow to mental, social, spiritual and physical health and happiness by consistently striving for a naturally wholesome and loving life with those about me under God's providence; that is, for the kind of life which will make me capable and worthy of happiness.
13.
Truth. Mental health is truth - the conformity of my mind with reality. It comes from thinking, speaking and living truly. A true response to each situation, to my human helpers and the Supreme Healer, can and must be made at every stage of my recovery or personal growth.
(See p. 75 for FINAL GROW PRINCIPLES) - 26 -
14.
Character. Character is spiritual strength, and there can be neither maturity nor happiness without it. To moderate desire and to endure hardship in confronting evil and accomplishing good is the process and the price of my formation as a spiritual being.
16.
Reasonableness. To be reasonable is my first exercise of love, and my second is to aid and require others to be reasonable also.
17.
Community. As egocentricity is the cause of stunted growth or disintegrating personal life, decentralization from self and participation in a community of persons is the very process of recovery or personal growth. ___________________________________
Growth is painful - but permanently rewarding.
Have a big idea of God.
Have the courage to make mistakes.
Hugs are healing.
Hugs are made in heaven. ___________________________________ - 27 -
DISTURBED THOUGHT AND PERSONAL THOUGHT. A lot of the thoughts that trouble us are nothing but the raw material of our instinctive nature worked into fearful or wishful shapes by a spontaneous imagination. They are not ours in any personal sense; and none of them becomes ours except those which we personally appropriate by consenting and choosing to keep them. Those that can really be classed as disturbed thinking are usually: -
Obsessions: morbid fascinations, fixations, hangups - that is, fantasies, desires or fears that occupy your mind excessively.
-
Delusions: false convictions which don't respond to reason, and
-
Hallucinations: false perceptions - that is. hearing, seeing or feeling things which are not really there.
Once you have got insight, and know these things for what they really are, you can deal with them. They are phoney phenomena thrown up by misplaced importance, habits we have grown into - and can grow out of. The way out is to wind down that undue importance by actively ignoring them. Don't give them the centre of the stage. Scorn them for the distractions they are by moving them to the fringe until they drop out completely. If your mind was a radio your ordinary occupations and your GROW thinking would be the real broadcast to attend to, and these phoney thoughts would be the static. You'd be crazy to listen to the static.
DON'T CULTIVATE WEEDS. Thoughts in the mind are like plants in the ground; they grow if you leave them there, and they cause your mind to grow in the same direction. Moreover, to keep expressing them is to cultivate them like when you water plants and pack fertilizer around them. The question is: Are you cultivating a lot of weeds? We cannot simply decide which thoughts will get into our minds, but it is mainly up to us which ones we leave there and which ones we cultivate.
TO CONTROL UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS 1.
Dig them out - by talking them out with your doctor if you are under treatment, or by bringing them up at a GROW meeting and with the group's help discrediting them.
2.
Starve them out — by disregarding them other times (as you disregard static on the radio), and by not voicing them or acting on them.
3.
Crowd them out — by cultivating positive thoughts and talk, and wholesome interests and habits. - 29 -
(For the Undercontrolled): DON'T ABUSE YOUR EMOTIONAL SYSTEM If you have a habit of crying. If you have a habit of anger. If you often use the words "I hate", If you often say how "deeply hurt" you are. If you often withdraw into resentful silences, then you are: -
over-reacting in wholesale fashion; living by misplaced importance; debasing your emotional currency; destroying your inner peace; making life unreasonably hard for those close to you; alienating friendship.
You can find harmony only if you: 1.
Keep your intense reactions for the bigger issues of life (which day-to-day living does not provide);
2.
Practise patience by "settling for disorder" in lesser things;
3.
Count your blessings and emphasize what is good in you and around you. - 30 -
(For the Overcontrolled):
DON'T BE AFRAID OF YOUR EMOTIONS If you rarely or never: -
say, face to face, a heartfelt "I love you"; make an angry outburst to change an unacceptable situation; laugh heartily over your own Of others' mistakes and minor mishaps; give way to tears, whether of sorrow or joy; let out words or exclamations of admiration or unstinted praise; sing and let your feelings flow freely with the words of the song; pray aloud spontaneously in the presence of a loved one or loved ones;
then you are overcontrolled and have no idea yet what it is like to be your real self. The best is ahead of you. Some practical suggestions: -
Practise singing or play-reading to loosen up your organs of expression.
-
If in doubt whether or not to express a thing, express it.
-
Accept faltering as the temporary and negligible price you must pay for the inestimable gift of selfexpression. - 31 -
THREE PRACTICAL POINTS FOR CONTROL 1.
Never say "I can't", if the thing in question is an ordinary and a good thing. Do the ordinary thing you fear; do the ordinary thing that repels you.
2.
When the time to keep a resolution has come, don't examine any more the pros and cons. Just do it.
3.
Remember that free wills become strong wills only through acquired habits - that is, the repetition of many acts, and time.
Sow a thought and reap an act. Sow an act and reap a habit. Sow a habit and reap a character. Sow a character and reap a destiny. __________________________________
I am more durable than vulnerable.
If the rough road gets you there and the smooth one doesn't, which are you going to choose?
If anyone can rob you of your peace of mind you depend too much on that person for your happiness.
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly - for a start, and while you're improving.
THE FOUR GUIDELINES FOR CO-OPERATION In NECESSARY things
.... STRICTNESS and UNITY
In OPTIONAL things
... DETACHMENT and LIBERTY
In DISAGREEMENT over which it is ... RESPECT and PERSONAL INTEGRITY In ALL things
.... REASON and HONESTY
MATERIAL LIVELIHOOD. In relation to my livelihood and the material means of living, I can be one of six things: - A worker (including a home-working wife); - A natural dependant (child); - A retired person living on my means or on a merited pension; - A genuine invalid; - A thief; - A parasite. *Which of these am I? (In a depressed economy, with widespread unemployment, obviously the last-mentioned qualification does not apply. However, in such circumstances, the very real danger of depression and demoralization, resulting from habitual inactivity, should lead all concerned to keep involved in voluntary work - as a sheer investment in moral vigour and mental health.)
THE ESSENTIAL FEATURES OF LOVE'S EXPRESSION Love is both effective and affective. EFFECTIVE LOVE is love shown by deeds or action. Its typical forms are: Dependability and Helpfulness. Its special qualities are readiness and thoroughness.
AFFECTIVE LOVE is love shown by the expression of one's feelings towards the loved one. Its typical forms are: Appreciation and Compassion. Its special qualities are warmth and tenderness. Temperament alone will incline different persons to one or other of these manifestations of love. Mature or adult love, however, requires both major features (effective and affective) and all four forms (depend- ability, helpfulness, appreciation and compassion). - 34 -
FRIENDSHIP The love of friends requires something more than ordinary adult love. Friendship is a love of intimate sharing between mature equals. To basic adult love friendship adds a common philosophy of life and support, and mutual leadership for life as a whole. You can love certain people whom you do not like, but a friend is one whom you like and admire, and in whose company you are profoundly at home. The word "friend" is used for three levels of relationship. There are: • friends for play or leisure. • friends for work or advantage. • friends for living.
Only the last-mentioned are friends in the strict and truest sense. Friendship is not possible without considerable maturity, for friendship is, in fact, shared maturity, and the sign and gauge of one's maturity is precisely one's capacity to be a friend. In education for life as a whole nothing is more formative than the mutual influence of friends; and among friendships there is none more formative than that of man and woman. - 35 -
COMPANIONSHIP TEST Are you easy to live with? See how you rate in your main relationships: husband and wife, parent and (grown up or growing) son or daughter; room-mates; business partners; or any other close associates. With each of the following expressions ask yourself: Do I say it: easily and consistently? (a) (b) as often as not? (c) rarely and with difficulty? or (d) never? 1.
'Let's work it out together' (in other words, how does it affect not just me, but us?).
2.
'Thanks'.
3.
'Sorry'.
4.
'Please'; 'Would you mind?' etc.
5.
'Never mind'; 'It doesn't matter' (to easily overlook a fault).
6.
'Good on you'; I like the way you do so-and-so' (words of praise and appreciation).
7.
'That's a good idea’ (falling in with a suggestion, instead of picking holes in it and showing that you know a better way).
8.
'I could be wrong'.
9.
'Can I help you?'
10.
First names.
11.
Terms of endearment ('love', 'darling', 'mate', 'you old so-and-so',.etc.).
12.
Mention of God ('Thanks be to God', 'God bless you', 'Trust in God', etc.).
Well now, how do you rate? If you like, you can express your results in figures. Without claiming scientific accuracy for it, you can use the following scale: Score 3 points for (a) easily and consistently; 2 points for (b) as often as not; 1 point for (c) rarely and with difficulty, 0 points for (d) never. Out of a maximum of 36 points - if you score: 36... go back and start again ... nobody's that good; 30 to 35... you're a beauty; 25 to 30... you're a good mate; 20 to 25... you're not a bad mate; 15 to 20... you're hard to live with; 10 to 15... you're a menace; Under 10... God help anyone close to you. Afterthought: Just for objectivity, it might be a good idea to get your companionship rating worked out for you also by your nearest companion; then add the results and divide by 2. - 37 -
Practical Application: If your rating is not the best, you can use this test to improve your everyday personal relationships. A threemonths private campaign of extra awareness and consideration could perhaps transform the atmosphere of your home or work. Try paying more attention to those twelve typical expressions. They are the oil that lubricates the wheels of daily living, which, instead of grinding, can be made to run smoothly and pleasantly.
HOW TO BEAT MALADJUSTMENTS. A.
Emergency Measures:
1. 2. 3.
Divert your attention. Suggest yourself positively. Take positive action.
B.
Group Action:
1. 2. 3.
Attend GROW regularly. Discuss your problem fully in group. Have the group check your progress.
C.
Long-range Campaign:
1. 2. 3.
Choose a helpful environment. Develop a sound philosophy of life. Be consistent in living by it.
DON'T SABOTAGE. To sabotage is to undermine or destroy some good work that is being done. Your growth involves the work of God, your own work, perhaps also the work of a professional helper, friends and also your GROW group. All this can be set back and even undone altogether if you indulge negative and harmful thinking, talk, actions or relationships. There are two wills and two processes at work in you: -
the will to stay maladjusted, and the will to get well,
-
the process of decline, and the process of recovery or personal growth.
Sabotage is doing any of the things which halt your progress, strengthen your will to stay maladjusted and send you back down the stages of decline. Sabotage is not just occasional or accidental, it is systematic: one kind leads on to another. It is madness to be striving hard to climb and at the same time putting skids under yourself. So be a 100% Grower. Stop Sabotaging! _____________________________ • If it's driving us mad. it must be doing you harm. • If there is hope for anyone, there is hope for me, if there is hope for me. there is hope for anyone. - 39 -
DECENTRALIZE. Misplaced importance, caused by egocentric feelings, is at the heart of all sick thinking. Therefore, in "learning to think by reason" the keynote is to decentralize from self and strive to be objective. This means:
1.
Not over-reacting and distorting something just because it is happening to ME. I should try to feel for myself, to speak in much the same way about myself, and to take for myself the same practical advice as I would give, if it were somebody else in the same situation.
2.
Treating the other person as a relative centre equal to me (praising, sympathizing, giving in generously, letting him save face, yet requiring him to be reasonable, etc.).
3.
Getting the angle of the common welfare. Thinking how what is happening affects not just me, or even them, but us; and doing what is best for all concerned.
4.
Trying to imagine the big overall view of an infinitely kind and resourceful God - and seeing myself and everyone else as children in His family.
- 40 -
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE RECOVERED? 1.
You are coping well with your duties and feel basically secure and contented.
2.
With those around you, you are friendly and co-operative.
3.
Your main habitual supports for facing life are your built-in habits of personal maturity (understanding, acceptance, confidence, control and love), accompanied by an increasing awareness of the presence and power of a loving God. Not the doctor, nor the pills, nor even the group.
4.
The old irrational feelings may return from time to time, but they don't change your thinking or your behaviour.
5.
You have completely integrated your past breakdown. That is to say, (i) you don't fear another breakdown; (ii) you no longer have any great sense of stigma; and (iii) you are even positively glad you had a breakdown, because it turned out to be a breakthrough to better and happier living.
6.
You find that your expanded mental outlook, the quality of your friendships and your deepened spiritual life have made you a new person. - 41 -
SEASONED GROWERS .
THE DIVIDING LINE. The line between: mental health moral goodness belief sexual normality sound drug use love community building
and and and and and and and
mental illness, moral badness, unbelief, sexual deviance, drug abuse, selfishness, community destroying,
does not pass between this and that discernible group of people in society, but down through the heart of every single one of us - and it varies and fluctuates at different times according as one or other of two continuously active and opposite processes - personal growth and personal disintegration - is currently dominant in our lives.
- 42 -
WHAT IS NORMAL? The most costly error in life is to think that what is most common, what the majority do, is normal. The price you pay for it is that your word "normal" no longer means the same as "healthy", and you accept as a sufficient norm or standard for living something which is almost certainly unhealthy. By "normal" in GROW we mean fundamentally sound, wholesome, or conducive to growth. This is altogether different from the average, which is in- deed a norm, but of immaturity or of positive decline and disintegration. The average is by definition the mediocre. The average person is neither healthy nor happy, he is inconstant, bored and anxious about himself through faulty thinking, emotional immaturity, a generally weak response to life and especially low aim.
It seems to be a law of nature that the normal in any species is a practical ideal which is embodied in those individuals who have the secret of survival in the evolutionary struggle. Individuals are more or less normal in proportion as they approach or fall away from this ideal. In short, the normal is the healthy, the mature or the growthful. Normal behaviour is a winning game in life. Average behaviour is a losing game. - 43 -
THE FOUR CAUSES. There are four great causes which influence our personal life and health: 1. 2. 3. 4.
NATURE (heredity or constitution) NURTURE (society or culture) PERSONAL ACTION and GOD (or the OVERALL CAUSE).
We believe that in the past untold harm has been done to people through onesided, incomplete and distorted views of the causes at work on them. Consequently, in the GROW Movement we aim to keep the whole picture in view and to promote a whole work. In other words, while doing the part that depends mainly on ourselves - self-activation through mutual help - we seek to co-ordinate our efforts with those of other helpers in the community who know more about the other causes than we do (notably - doctors, ministers of religion, educators and social workers).
•
If you don't live the way you think is right you'll end up thinking the way you're living is right.
•
If you need help, help others. To help others best, let them help you. - 44 -
LIFE AS A WHOLE Maturity is a coming to terms with oneself, with others, and with life as a whole. Our inner strength and peace, and the company and support we can be to others, especially in life's crises, vary with the depth and harmony of our response to life as a whole. In practice, it is measured by the extent to which we are finding and actively contributing to a true and lasting victory of good over evil - that is, of personal fulfilment, love and joy, over impersonal forces, disintegration and death.
___________________________
•
If you still need cough mixture you've either still got a cough or you're addicted to cough mixture.
•
Is the best in life and love and happiness ahead of you or behind you?
•
Keep your intense reactions for the bigger issues of life (which day-to-day living doesn't provide).
•
Keep your temper. If you're in the right, you can afford to keep it. If you're in the wrong, you can't afford to lose it. - 45 -
CHILDISH, HALF-DEVELOPED OR ADULT? One who lives mainly in his senses, in the present moment, and whose chief idea of good and bad is pleasure and displeasure, is an emotional child.
One whose main goal is to gain the knowledge and skills which assure success in the world and to adjust to society and be approved and admired by others - and whose idea of good and bad is mainly what is useful or harmful to this purpose - is an emotional adolescent or half-grown human being.
Too many people never get beyond a crude combination of these two inadequate levels of living, and consequently (even though they may be highly competent and socially prominent) are little more than over-grown boys and big little girls with some special aptitude for busy slavery to a meaningless and pretty heartless world.
Only the man or woman who lives above the need for present pleasure, and who habitually sees beyond the relativity of social situations; who has come to understand life as a whole, and whose standard of good is personal integrity and of bad is depersonalising inconsistency in short, only one who has grown strong in the love of wisdom and the wisdom of love, is an emotional adult. - 46 -
UNDERSTANDING All problems are, in the first instance, problems of understanding. Life is complex and there is no substitute for intelligence. "The unexamined life is not worth living". Moreover, information and skills are inferior to an educated heart.
Basic human education is a formation for life, that is, for mental health and personal maturity, by knowledge related to our Three Vital Needs. It answers the questions:(i) What am I worth? (ii) How can we live in security and loving harmony? and (iii) What may we hope for?
Other keynotes of understanding for mental health are: (i) The 4 Stabilizing Questions; (ii) The 6 Rules for Objective Thinking; (iii) The 12 Keys for Understanding Feelings; (iv) Clear knowledge of what is normal; (v) Due recognition of the 4 Causes that influence human behaviour (nature or constitution, culture or nurture, personal action and the Overall Cause or God, or some impersonal Absolute) and, (vi) Proper use of the 3 great channels of knowledge (experience, reason and authority). - 47 -
Whether I have been well or poorly educated by others, it is still my responsibility to get for myself the understanding of life that I need.
Only as I become a whole person can I understand life as a whole.
The more understanding I am, the more provision I will make both for unity in necessary things and for others' differences and their freedom (See the 4 Guidelines for Cooperation).
There is a dimension of understanding of persons which is impossible without profound humility and a sense of the relativity of human situations. It shines out in us when we are able to see past impersonal standards of achievement to show appreciation of a particular individual's greater efforts and compassion for his or her greater difficulties and with the insight of love to reveal another human being's untold worth and undiscovered potential. Overall understanding means settling whether the universe is or is not personalized through and through - in other words, whether our welfare depends ultimately on dreary determinism, silly chance or a loving Providence.
- 48 -
BALANCED KNOWLEDGE Knowledge is the mind's grasp of reality. There are only three ways of knowing anything: -
Experience Reason and Testimony or Authority
A truly balanced or mature mind is one which makes vigorous use of all three of these, employs each one in its proper place and possesses the fruits of them all in harmony. On the other hand, immaturity in our personalities can be spotted and understood according to the various ways in which we abuse these channels of knowledge: -
Overplaying Experience at the expense of Authority and/or Reason (for example, selfdirected youthful rebels, drug experimenters, etc);
-
Overplaying Reason at the expense of Experience and/or Authority (for example, intellectual knowalls, chronic arguers, etc.);
-
Overplaying Authority at the expense of Reason and/or Experience (for example, close-minded conservatives, under-expressed doormats, etc.).
Does any one of the above examples apply to me? If not, does my personal inventory, or even criticisms, I have received from others, suggest that I have some other hang-up which cuts me off from Knowledge,
and consequently from reality, in one or more of the above three ways? Moreover, groups and institutions in society tend to produce characteristic types of individuals, who bear the mark of their lopsided emphasis in regard to knowledge. It can help my understanding of people with very different backgrounds to realize this. We might try to identify some of these forms of mental mutilation in making realistic personal inventories around the group or in the community.
________________________________
Let go and let God.
Love yourself as you love your neighbour.
Meaning generates energy lack of meaning, depression.
Mental health can't be taught it has to be learned together.
No one gets out of this world alive.
No one is a no-hoper.
Our true self is our happy self.
- 50 -
THE COMMONEST FALLACY Of all. fallacies the commonest seems to be this one, that the opposite of an error is bound to be true; or that the opposite of an evil is bound to be good. When you are so sure that somebody else is wrong, you easily take it for granted that the attitudes you adopt in resisting or attacking him are automatically right.
Nothing causes more trouble in human relationships than this. For, so far from being necessarily, it is not even usually true. In most cases the opposite of an error is the opposite error, and the opposite of a wrong is the opposite wrong - because, in most cases, people react without careful thought; and they assert the false or half-true thing, and the unjust or half-right thing, which most closely expresses their own vested interest or emotional bias. For instance, to the abuse of authority the common reaction is lawless rejection of authority; to religious fanaticism, emotional unbelief; to prudery, promiscuity, and vice versa, and, generally speaking, to one extreme, another extreme.
This explains why emotionally immature individuals in a close relationship generate complementary maladjustments in each other; also, why a social disorder tends naturally, not to correct itself, but to produce a reaction which is equally bad. - 51 -
The genuine solution - that is to say, the happy mean or the constructive alternative - is on another plane entirely from the opposing extremes. To reach it, the secret is not to react, but thoughtfully and lovingly to act; and never merely to oppose an evil, but to rival it - that is, to find the better way which is wholesome for all concerned.
«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-« ••••••• »-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»
•
Say something nice about yourself - without adding “but".
•
Sufficient care, sufficient risk.
•
Take your fingers off your pulse and start living.
•
Talk to rather than about your problem person.
•
Tell the untellable to someone.
•
The choicest part of growing up is growing little.
•
The expert should be on tap, not on top.
- 52 -
ESSENTIAL HUMAN INVENTORY AND ACCEPTANCE In me, as in every human being, there are three levels of natural involvement:the sub-personal level of my instinctive life 1. notably my instincts of self-preservation, sex and aggression. the personal and inter-personal level of my 2. conscious reflection, rational communication, affective life and social activity with others. the supra-personal level of overall, meaning, 3. mystery, providence and destiny.
Suprapersonal -------------Interpersonal -------------Subpersonal To grow into the due understanding and co-ordination of these essential parts of my nature is growth in wisdom - which is the only completely human growth. The difficulty of this task, however, creates an inherent temptation to deny and suppress the part of our nature which seems most to threaten us. - 53 -
In some individuals this relative negation of humanity results in a rejection of obvious and basic aspects of interpersonal living. This kind of mental dysfunction becomes socially disruptive, and these are the ones most readily diagnosed as mentally ill.
Others, however, who may be just as unbalanced or even moreso, get by as sane, because they maintain a minimum surface of publicly acceptable social behaviour, though their private lives may be very disturbed and they are in fact rejecting either the subpersonal or suprapersonal dimensions of their nature. Failure to integrate the sexual and aggressive instincts often results in the suppression and practical negation of these, or in their totally irregular and abusive expressions.
Probably the commonest of all negations, however, is the systematic disregard and suppression of the dimension of meaning, mystery, providence and destiny in our lives. Incredible as it may seem, countless people tell themselves and others, more or less implicitly, that there is nothing more to us than satisfying our current desire for good feelings and adjusting to society's current demands; that we have no origin, explanation, value or hope beyond this present secular scene, and that all of this really doesn't matter and should not influence our mental health!
- 54 -
ACCEPTING OUR SHADOW In the life of everyone of us, even in the midst of overall growth and the joys of healthy function, there is an inescapable undercurrent or fringe of anxiety, boredom, confusion, disability, discord, guilt and loneliness.
These factors of trouble and suffering follow us about as constantly and as surely as the shadow that we cast when we walk. There is no way of eliminating them from human living: they are as inevitable as our shadow. We need only to learn two things: 1.
it is futile, and
2.
it is unnecessary, to run away from them.
It is as futile to run away from them as it is to run away from our shadow. And there is simply no need to run away from them; for, if we keep our thinking true and our lives developing properly, they can no more hurt or harm us than our shadow can.
- 55 -
ACCEPTANCE AND CONFIDENCE ACCEPTANCE has two parts, according as my human situation is not supplying all my wants or all my relative needs. First, there is my willing adjustment to life's built-in limitations and difficulties, its relative privations and incidental hardships - which are all a trial to my instinctive egocentricity. But there is also a reckoning with real and positive evils (for example, handicaps, sickness, death, conflicts, separations, betrayals), which entail the frustration or collapse of good in my life and in the lives of my loved ones - things which are a hindrance and a scandal to love. To meet any crisis, GROW's 3rd Stabilising Question is: How important is it?
CONFIDENCE consists in being able to find and build on the good which is more important than the particular evil which is undermining or threatening us. Confidence is the other side of acceptance, the victorious side which makes acceptance possible and growthful. It is an attitude of mind built on grounds, that is, reliable causes. It is independent, not only of favourable feelings, but also of favourable circumstances. - 56 -
In daily living the confident person is the one who takes trouble in his stride - that is, who accepts the "disorders in lesser things" (losses, embarrassments, hurts, setbacks, failures, wrongs) for the sake of "order in greater things", which is the victory of life and love and joy in him and around him. Invincible confidence needs invincible grounds, the certainty of invincible good - in short, the conviction that all evils are superficial, transient and relatively unimportant, compared to the great and permanent good that is working for us. «-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-« ••••••• »-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
The object of treatment is the end of treatment; good medical care aims to (and usually does) phase itself out.
The opposite of an error is usually the opposite error.
The reality-test of how much you value anything is how much you are prepared to sacrifice, when necessary, to secure it.
The rigid ones never get well - until they loosen up. - 57 -
CONTROL Control is regulated spontaneity. The unregulated life is not worth living. Neither is the suppressed life. All problems are ultimately problems of under- standing and due regulation. Control is the maintenance of true understanding and wholesome conduct against the natural tendency of feelings (pleasure or pain, desire or fear) to disturb thought and disorganize action. Control does not mean merely restraining feelings or keeping them in. It means also giving them free rein as nature and good judgment suggest. Think of a tap which can regulate a flow, or a knob which can adjust volume, to more or less as desired. Faulty control can be either: - undercontrol (all spontaneity, with little or no regulation); or - overcontrol (all regulation, with little or no spontaneity). Mature control is the due suppression of undesirable feelings and the cultivation of a spontaneous flow of desirable ones. Intelligent and loving self-control is the only freedom. Where it is lacking (since nature will not tolerate a vacuum), some other spurious control moves in. The undercontrolled are enslaved to infantile habits of self-indulgent feeling. The overcontrolled are enslaved to a compulsive correctness in appearances and in less important external duties at the cost of meaningful and loving relationships.
7 MORE KEYS FOR UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS 6.
There is no natural way to "instant good feeling". By nature I have only indirect conditioning power to change my feelings - through the direct corrective power I have over my thinking and the direct commanding power I have over my limbs and muscles for action. In the long run, my feelings will veer round and take the direction of my habits of thought and action.
7.
Control of feelings is not merely a question of keeping undesirable feelings in, but also of letting desirable feelings flow freely out. For control is regulated spontaneity; and it is possible to have too much regulation or too much spontaneity. Some people are over-controlled or undercontrolled in regard to all feelings. But the commonest form of immaturity is to be undercontrolled in self-centred feelings (as in habits of crying, anger or resentful silences) and overcontrolled in more precious and outreaching feelings (such as love, laughter, praise, compassion, song or prayer).
8.
The more I seek pleasure directly and need to have it, the more it will tend to evade me. For either my anxiety to secure it will upset the naturalness of the behaviour that brings it about, or (through excess or habituation) - 59 -
I will come under the "law of diminishing returns" and it will take more and more to satisfy me. On the other hand, the more I run away from suffering and need to avoid it, the less it will take to torment me. It is wise, therefore, to moderate my increasing capacity for satisfaction by reducing my wants, for then I enjoy things better; and to learn to absorb tensions, discomfort and trouble, for then they don't bother me so much.
9.
There is no way of being simply for feelings or against feelings. Everybody goes by feelings of some kind or other, just as everybody has a particular way of thinking and acting. The whole question is which feelings, and whether my principle of selection is unintelligent and selfcentred or wise and loving. Many feelings are negative, blindly reactive and destructive, and deserve only to be suppressed. Positive, personal or constructive feeling is caring. And if I really understand and care for the true values of life, I will always have more important things to care about than how I feel.
10.
To face life we never mainly use or mainly depend on spontaneous feelings, but on reflective and deliberate attitudes which must be well-grounded in known reality. Confidence, for instance, is not a feeling but an attitude of mind. Not only does it not have to be supported by favourable feelings, but it frequently operates effectively in the presence - 60 -
of strong contrary feelings of fear; and, on the other hand, countless lives have been made disjointed and unhappy by ungoverned feelings of confidence. The long-term effect of subordinating our natural feelings to our personal attitudes is that eventually the attitudes and feelings merge into a single team - as a horse that is well brokenin will do almost anything for a good rider. In this way feelings that first had to be servants turn into friends. 11.
Growth in mental health means gradually learning the difference between what I feel like and what I really want, and gradually making my chief wants coincide with my own and others' vital needs.
12.
More important than actually feeling good are my grounds for feeling good; and these come from my response to life as a whole. My real grounds for joy, gratitude and hope are always greater than my grounds for sorrow, anger or fear. The complete picture of my life is designed to be beautiful, and my ultimate story, if I so choose, will be a happy one - because my life, and even my choosing, are in the care of Infinite Power, Wisdom and Love. «-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-« ••••••• »-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»
The surest way to make a task appear impossible is to keep on putting it off.
The thing you fear unreasonably is your master.
LOVE Love Is the appreciation and affirmation of the real worth of any being. This definition is as broad as possible so as to include love at many different levels - not only love of human beings but also of God, of animals, and even inanimate objects - for example, nature, science, art, music, food.) In human relationships, love is the appreciation and affirmation of another human being as another self and my equal in worth. More precisely, it is the consistent, active care and concern for the whole welfare of another human being as equally important to my own. As reaching out from one person's inmost centre of freedom and growth to that of another, love engages all three aspects of personal life - thinking, feeling and action. Consequently, effective and affective love, which we have called the Essential Features of Love's Expression (see page 34) are not the whole story of love. Behind its outward expression, to animate it and give it authenticity and permanence, love must have an interior life of thought, with deep roots in solitude, silence and prayer. Therefore, fully understood, love has three essential features: It must be effective, affective and reflective. Effective and affective love alone are not enough. To be personal and deep enough to endure, the parties must be sharing their deeper thoughts. Doing things for, and giving things to, another person are not enough. Non-verbal expressions of affection - 62 -
(caresses, fondling, kisses) and even many verbal ones (terms of endearment) are precious when they are a dependable sign of true love, but they can also be used deceptively. What is needed is that the persons concerned should be growing into their whole humanity together, and that requires understanding thinking out life together. Moreover, caring without sharing does not promote growth to equal adult relationships. Children, for instance, do not mature to adult living under the care of parents who do not reason with them and cultivate their powers of independent reasoning. Helping relationships, too, tend to keep people helpless and dependent when there is no promotion of full understanding and the out-growing of the need for dependence. For the love of friendship (and still more, of course, for marriage) something more than adult love is needed To be fully at home with another human being, and especially to be able to make a home for others, there must be not only a more complete and practical caring, and a greater intimacy and flow of affection, but also a more profoundly shared (or at least sought) understanding of life. The loving persons must be looking together, and journeying together, in the same direction. If life is complex, and there is no substitute for intelligence, so is love complex. To move life forward consistently towards wholeness, love has to be thoughtful and intelligent. - 63 -
Specifically, reflection is necessary in all of the following situations: - for applying the Four Guidelines for Cooperation, so as to fully pursue the necessary, to be open with the optional, and even in disagreement to disagree agreeably; - to love people very different from ourselves; - to love unlikeable people; - to love our enemies and, by the affirmation of good, to appeal and relate to their better selves; - to reach with effective love people in large numbers and remote from us in the complex social and economic system; - to exercise self-criticism in our attachment to causes, and so to avoid the common mistake of merely opposing one wrong with another, and one error with the opposite error; - to pass, with those we claim to love, beyond the sub-personal and inter-personal dimensions of living, into the supra-personal, which is the region of mystery, transcendence and destiny. Finally, love needs to be reflective in order to build a spiritual community on the overflow of peoples interior life of prayer, and to enjoy the choicest and dearest part of religion, which is to talk with equal familiarity to God about our loved ones and to our loved ones about God. - 64 -
SEXUAL MATURITY Sexual Maturity is: - the capacity for profound and loving but nonsexual (in the sense of non-genitally expressed) friendship with persons of both sexes; - the capacity for a fully active and mutually whole-making sexual life when one is married. Practical evidences of this sexual maturity are: 1. the ability to relate warmly and express affection to persons of all ages and both sexes; 2.
the ability to be much involved and to spend long periods of time with persons of the opposite sex, without biological inclinations be- coming intrusive (let alone dominant);
3.
the ability to express very personal affection and tenderness without causing emotional turmoil, false evaluation or loss of control;
4.
the ability, in marriage, to be fully at home with one's sexual partner, and to fully enjoy, without depending overmuch on, the peaks of physical pleasure;
5.
effective biological control of fertility, achieved with due respect for the sac redness of pro- creation and new life;
6.
the ability to share, good-humouredly and joyfully the whole gamut of feelings which sexual union opens up - from tenderness to passion, from ecstatic oneness to homely companionship, from mystery to fun, and from the
intimacy of lovers to the outreaching responsibilities of parents - and to be able at the same time to acknowledge, to oneself and each other (as the necessary means for integrating and healing them) the co-existence of many contradictory or incompatible feelings; 7.
finally, the humble and mutually helpful acceptance of the incidental burdens, embarrassments and frustrations that go with biological functions and reflex processes which are not fully under our control - and, still further, the gradual and inevitable decline of sexual function and our bodies 'altogether as means of expanding life and happiness.
The sexual maturity here described, and the happiness that comes from it, are never immediately attained, nor can even the most favourable, natural and environmental conditioning produce them. They have to be won as a personal and shared victory over strong forces of disintegration working constantly within and around every one of us. Any of the ingredients of mature love - the instinctive, the interpersonal or the spiritual - can be mismanaged to the detriment of personal balance and a harmonious union of lives. If even to find the path of growth is hard, and to choose it painful, continuous growth is only won by repeated self and mutual renewal, perseverance in spite of setbacks and, above all, the healing power of honesty and kindness.
- 66 -
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS SELF-CENTRED: Taking, Getting. A Taking relationship is one of Exploitation: I take advantage of another person's weakness or good nature, deliberately abusing or destroying something in him for my own pleasure or profit. A Getting relationship is one of Competition: I go all out for some advantage for myself without caring whether my actions hinder or injure the other person.
LOVING: Sharing, Giving. A Sharing relationship is one of Co-operation: I communicate and work with another person or persons for our common benefit and satisfaction. A Giving relationship is one of Devotion: I strive for or contribute to the welfare of another person to the disregard of my own pleasure or advantage.
NOTE: The essential loving relationship is the sharing or equal one. In the case of individuals who expand into helping or giving relationships but hold aloof from equal ones, especially that of friendship, a good deal of the giving is probably a disguised getting.
- 67 -
LIFE AND DEATH PROCESSES. Life is a texture of various goods and matching evils, culminating in death. A sobering first premise for mental health programs is that no one gets out of this world alive. But death, like life, is not merely physical. There is mental, social and spiritual death as well — along with other relevant ills in these areas, which fall short of wholesale disintegration. Severe mental breakdown is a death of the mind, and probably a precious rehearsal for bodily death. And consider the things we most dread socially — separation, bereavement, abandonment or betrayal by dearest loved ones, disgrace, war (especially civil or global war) — what are these if not social death? The fact that people can and do come through them suggests that the spirit in us can also survive physical death. Spiritual dying is guilt, seeing ourselves hurting most those we love most, and desertion of ideals. Every adult human being is a broken-hearted idealist. Two processes — integration and disintegration, growth and decline, life and death — are constantly at work in us. The question for mental health is: can we, and do we, believe that life is winning and will go on winning? Have we more grounds for hope than for fear?
- 68 -
GROWS TWOFOLD SPIRITUALITY: HORIZONTAL AND VERTICAL
The Principle of Personal Value, which was one of the first things recorded in GROW's earliest leadership meetings, came eventually to represent basic belief among Growers. Committed Growers, who ail identify with this Principle, are believers, in our fundamental sense of this term, whether they are religious believers (believers in God) or not. At the same time, this Principle is a radically levelling one, inasmuch as it requires anyone who sincerely believes it to be true of himself, to go on and affirm it of any and every other human being, no matter how bad his or her physical, mental or spiritual condition. In short, this Principle makes GROW as much a movement of mutual belief - belief in one another, hope for one another and love of one another - as it is of belief in, and hope and love for, oneself.
GROW membership is expressed in the GROW Commitment, renewed each week, which concludes with group members holding hands and saying: "In GROW we believe in one another, we love one another and we trust one another". No profession of religious belief, such as "I (or we) believe in God", is ever required of anybody, much less imposed as a condition of membership. Nevertheless, there is a natural link and consistency (testified to by most Growers) between this
primary belief in persons and belief in a supremely personal healing Power, Wisdom and Love greater than ourselves. Hope for a spiritual destiny beyond death for ourselves, our loved ones and every human being goes along naturally with belief in a personal and loving God, just as the opposite primary belief — in dominant, impersonal forces of nature and environment — make it extremely hard or impossible to hold out hope for restoration and fulfilment for anyone beyond death. Therefore, the dividing line between belief and unbelief, which we say passes down through the heart of each one of us, is at its deepest level a shifting conflict between profoundly lived materialistic and person-centred attitudes to life as a whole. Hence the GROW Program acknowledges two types of spirituality — the "horizontal" one, based on belief in persons, and the "vertical" one, based on belief in God. Similarly, there are two thresholds of participation and benefit in the GROW Program. The first and essential one, without which one can hardly get started, is the affirmation of good in ourselves and one another as persons; and the second one, without which for most of us there are no satisfactory answers and ultimate hopes for persons, consists in surrender to God and trust in the final victory of love over all forms of evil and death. Mere profession of belief, whether in ourselves or in God, is never a sufficient criterion of where anyone stands or which way he or she is developing. The development of the whole person — in heart and character as well as mind — is what counts, and this takes time, a whole lifetime in fact, to bring out fully. - 70 -
BELIEF IN GOD. Belief in God is the positive answer to the ultimate question concerning life as a whole: In the Reality greater than man which energises in the universe, is there knowledge, love and provision for us persons? The atheist says No: there is power but no personal intelligence and no loving providence above man. The agnostic says: it can never be known whether there is or not: so in practice we must carry on as if we are on our own. Both agnosticism and atheism are systems of positive Unbelief; that is, they are fixed positions, opposed to a Godcentred orientation of thought, feelings and action. The mere Doubter or Half-believer, on the other hand, has no coherent or constant view of life as a whole. He says, “I don’t know what to believe”, and the best he can be is a genuine enquirer His feelings and behaviour oscillate accordingly. (Note: Most of those who call themselves “agnostics” do not use the word in its strict sense, and so do not see themselves as convinced and committed Unbelievers. To speak more accurately, they would need to say they were doubters or halfbelievers.) Finally, the Believer is firmly convinced that above man, in the overall movement of life as a whole, there - 71 -
is One Supreme Personal Being who knows and cares and powerfully provides for us. This Being he calls GOD. The believer's faith in a personal God is usually linked with a further conviction concerning continuing personal life after death. In the light of the above clarifications, where do you see yourself? Are you a Believer or an Unbeliever? Or, if you are in the unstable middle region, are you drifting further into Doubt or growing more towards definite Belief?
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Those who keep harping on their parents' faults and failings never grow up.
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Those who matter don't mind; those who mind don't matter.
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Tiredness is only tiredness.
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To have a friend, be a friend. Treat God as you would like a child of yours to treat you.
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Unlockable people need love. Walk tall, and breathe deeply.
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What you get out of the Program depends exactly on how much you put into it.
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When anyone pays you a compliment, say "thank you" and shut up.
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Why single yourself out for especially harsh treatment?
GOD "IMPROVES" AS WE MATURE Our idea of God, the Ultimate Reality or Supreme Cause of things, changes as we grow from emotional inadequacy to maturity. Some measure of where each of us stands spiritually can therefore be got by asking how we mainly view God (or the overall Power), especially in relation to the suffering we have to endure. There seem to be four distinct views, which closely link our concept of the Supreme Reality with the way think our lives are developing: 1.
The Overall Power is Impersonal or Evil. In this view, there is no personal Providence, no God in the religious sense. Evil is overcoming good in my life, because: (i) "God" is cruel; He (or It) causes the troubles that afflict me or will eventually engulf me; (ii) "God" doesn't care; He (or It) rules the whole universe but is indifferent to individuals like me.
2.
God is a Severe Taskmaster and Judge. In this second view, evil threatens to overcome good in my life, which is mainly a fearful burden. God is personal and is interested in me, but He arranges trouble or lets it happen. (iii) (iv)
Just to punish me, or Just to test me.
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3. God is a Kind Saviour, Healer and Teacher. In this third view, fear has given way to confidence. I see good overcoming evil in my life, and God using suffering in various ways to form or reform me: (v) To protect me from something worse; (vi) To correct me and purify me; (vii) To heal me and give me the means to make amends; (viii) To teach me basic wisdom and love. 4.
God is a Supreme Friend and Lover. Finally, in the profound insight of spiritual maturity, life is overwhelmingly a blessing and a joy to me, and evil, no matter how great, is but incidental and instrumental to the mystery of God's personal closeness and action. He uses it: (ix) To elicit from me a choicer kind of love; (x) To give me a greater share in His healing work for others: (xi) To draw me closer into His own life of love. ______________________________
You alone can do it, but you can't do it alone.
You've got a problem? That's good!
You don't really know anyone until you know the ordinary human being in them - the one struggling to relate to life as a whole.
You've got to love people back to health. - 74 -
FINAL GROW PRINCIPLES 18.
Civilisation. Civilisation or culture is to society what mental health is to the individual, namely, the state of maturity or whole welfare; and the growth or decline of one tends to bring about the growth or decline of the other.
19.
Natural Order of Growth and Breakdown. True growth or restoration, for persons and society, is attained by finding and respecting the objective order of nature - with its inherent laws governing the opposite processes of human growth and human breakdown. To evaluate behaviour (one's own and others') in terms of this true natural order is to acknowledge an ideal standard of health as the objective rule of human action. This standard is the measure of what is right and wrong, healthy and sick, in the behaviour of all individuals, groups, organisations, churches and governments.
20.
God-centred Human Living. The objective order of human health - which we neither make nor unmake but can only discover must derive from a centre of evaluation and a Supreme Orderer of human life transcending man. To strive for its realisation is, therefore, implicitly to be involved in a God-centred re-organisation of personal and community health, to be moving in the same direction as all sincere religion (beyond differences of denomination), and to be part of the timeless human quest for justice and peace (beyond political parties, nations and races).
21.
Universal Benefit. Each person's recovery or growth aids the transformation of the world. •••••••
THREEFOLD BONDING FOR UNITY (Understanding the Expression of Solidarity at the close of the GROW Commitment). In GROW we believe in one another, we love one another, and we trust one another — as we do (or need to do) to ourselves. That is to say, we are not recommending attitudes of unlimited belief, love and trust towards others any more than towards ourselves. However, knowing that we have within us a true self and a false self which are striving constantly against each other, our task for growth is to nourish the true one and starve out the false one. While affirming and cultivating our own better self, therefore, we aim to be always appealing from within that better self to the better self in others. So we are committed to one another with: —
a belief that is not blind but intelligent;
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a love that is genuine and faithful, but not unconditional and foolish;
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and a trust that is not unrealistic but appreciative, mindful of the circumstances, and careful for our common personal welfare. - 76 -
THE GROW COMMITMENT THE FIRST THREE CLAUSES naturally bind all persons present in this situation of trust, so all (whether Growers or not) are invited to recite them together. THE LAST TWO CLAUSES are recited by Committed Growers, and those who are ready and willing to become such (that is, who wish to identify actively with GROWs aims and methods, and who have attended at least three meetings). •
I will respect the confidential nature of what is disclosed at GROW meetings.
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I promise never to lead or aid a member of GROW in any serious wrong.
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I will speak the truth and only truth at GROW meetings
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I undertake to combat maladjustment in myself and to strive for maturity with the help of the GROW Movement and its Program.
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Any leadership I exercise at GROW meetings shall be in accordance with the GROW program and group method.
(Here, all link hands). In GROW we believe in one another, We love one another, and We trust one another. - 77 -
THE AFFIRMATION OF GOOD We believe that our lives up to now have been neither wholly good nor wholly bad; But the bad in us can be remedied, and the good can grow. We acknowledge and ask pardon for the wrongs we have done, And for the needed good that we failed to do; And we freely forgive from our hearts those who have wronged or failed us — including our own selves. We hope for ourselves, and wish to one another and to every human being, Enduring friendships, an end to hostility, and the best in life and love and happiness.
ACT OF SURRENDER (This Act of Surrender is recited — not, of course, by unbelievers nor even automatically by all believers — but only by those who, after considerable reflection, are convinced they are ready to make this profoundly personal act. * Those committing themselves to this Act for the first time use the phrase in parentheses.) True, Strong and Loving God, Supreme Healer, Knowingly and deliberately I now ('make the decision')/confirm my decision To abandon myself entirely to Your wise and powerful love. This day and forever I surrender to You My mind with all its powers, My body with all its parts.
My feelings, pleasant and painful, And especially my will. Take my life under Your care And take my will into Your own. Rule me and possess me and use me. Do what You like with me. Only give me this one grace, Never to lose faith in you, Never to fear for myself, or to complain of the way You treat me.
PRAYER FOR MATURITY True, Strong and Loving God, Teach me to see things as they really are, To accept myself and to trust fearlessly in Your care, To govern myself, and to find my peace in doing Your will. And, living or dying, to give myself back to You and to my fellowmen.
THE GROW ASPIRATION May the spirit of friendship make us free and whole persons and gentle holders of a free and whole community. - 79 -
APPENDIX: ALTERNATIVE FORMULAE FOR GROWERS WITHOUT BELIEF IN GOD. After considerable discussion at Leadership Meetings in all GROW Branches, the following expressions of elementary GROW tenets and attitudes have been found by unbelievers to be suited to their needs, and by the general body of GROW leaders to be compatible with the meaning and scope of the respective formulae of the Program for which they are proposed as alternatives. 1.
2nd Stage of Decline (p.4) We became inattentive to objective natural order in our lives.
2.
3rd Step of Personal Growth (p.5) (We trusted in a health-giving power in our lives as a whole.)
Note: No clear conviction and agreement has yet been reached by unbelievers in GROW as to what precisely is the ultimate ground on which they base their hope and efforts for mental health. The above formula is here given as a sample of the kind of attitude which some have found to be both steadying and strengthening. It is enclosed in brackets in order to signify that it does not carry the testimony of the general body of GROW leaders over the years as to what worked successfully for them in rebuilding their lives and attaining to mental health. Of course, some other formula, which is found to be meaningful, credible and effective for overall trust, may be used by an individual unbeliever in his or her own case. 3.
The Principle of Personal Value. No matter how bad my physical, mental, social or spiritual condition, I am always a human person and a connecting link between persons. I am still valuable; my life has a purpose and I have my unique place and my unique part in humanity.
4.
Which Tranquillizers Do You Use? 1. Overall soundness in nature. 2. Your own personal resources. 3. Friendly Help. 4. Expert Help. 5. Physical or Chemical Means. 6. Compulsory Help.
5.
First Basic Conviction. I am not acting alone, but co-operating with trustworthy and friendly helpers.
6.
Third Basic Determination. Meanwhile, I will actively ignore my disturbing feelings and gradually overcome them by constantly trusting in the loving power that is working for me.
7.
Sixth Rule for Objective Thinking. DECENTRALIZE: Decentralize situations and events from yourself and look for the total view which includes others as equals in a growth-oriented perspective.
8.
What Do I Really Want? (3rd paragraph, p.17). If I want at all costs to be good - by consistently true thinking, wholesome loving and courageous living - I am seeking the real welfare of all concerned, and I am becoming a whole person.
9.
How Do You Know You've Recovered? Clause 3 (p.41): Omit the words, "...accompanied by an increasing awareness of the presence and power of a loving God". - 81 -
••••••• INDEX ••••••• BEGINNING GROWERS: _ Page. Are You Inadequate or Maladjusted?. . Inside Cover Five First Keys for Understanding Feelings. 14 Inadequacy or Maladjustment............ 3 Maturity......................... 6 My Three Vital Needs.................. 13 Six Rules for Objective Thinking.......... 12 Some First Principles.................. 7 The Comforting Paradox................ 9 The Four Stabilizing Questions........... 11 The Overall Key to Mental Health.......... 9 The Supreme Healer................... 9 The Three Basic Changes................ 13 The Three Basic Convictions............. 10 The Three Basic Determinations........... 10 The Three Fundamental Questions......... 13 The Twelve Stages of Decline.............. 4 The Twelve Steps of Personal Growth ..... 5 What is GROW?..................... 1 Which Tranquillizer(s) Do You Use?........ 8 While Recovering..................... 15 Why Am I In GROW?.................. 2 PROGRESSING GROWERS: Bedrock............................ 16 Believers and Unbelievers in GROW........ 22 Companionship Test.................. 36 Decentralize........................ 40 Disturbed Thought and Personal Thought .... 28 Don't Abuse Your Emotional System....... 30 Don't Be Afraid of Your Emotions......... 31 Don't Cultivate Weeds................. 29 Don't Sabotage...................... 39 Friendship ....................... 35 GROW and Church-Member Integrity....... 23 GROW and Doctor-Patient Integrity........ 20 How Do You Know You've Recovered?...... 41 How To Beat Maladjustments............ 38 Material Livelihood................... 33
More GROW Principles....................24 The Essential Features of Love's Expression .... 34 The Four Guidelines for Co-operation......... 33 Three Practical Points for Control.............32 To Control Unhealthy Thoughts............... 29 What Do I Really Want?....................17 Whole Persons...........................18 Whole Relationships.......................19 SEASONED GROWERS: Act of Surrender..........................78 Acceptance and Confidence. 56 Accepting Our Shadow.....................55 Balanced Knowledge ....... 49 Belief in God ..........................71 Childish, Half-developed or Adult........... 46 Control .................. 58 Essential Human Inventory And Acceptance....... 53 Final GROW Principles....................75 God 'Improves' as We Mature ...............73 GROW's Essential Spirituality: Belief in Persons.. 69 GROW Solidarity.........................76 GROW Wisdom at Work...........from page 6 Life and Death Processes . ..................68 Life as a Whole..........................45 Love ................................... 62 Prayer for Maturity.................79 Relationships with Others..67 Seven More Keys for Understanding Feelings..59 Sexual Maturity............65 The Affirmation of Good .. 78 The Commonest Fallacy. ......51 The Dividing Line..............42 The Four Causes..............44 The GROW Aspiration . . ...........79 The GROW Commitment...................77 understanding...........................47 What is Normal?.........................43 APPENDIX: Alternative formulae for Growers without belief in God............ .... 80
-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-« ••••••• -»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-» FOR FURTHER INFORMATION: ________________________
AUSTRALIA Write to: GROW 209A Edgeware Road ENMORE NSW 2042 AUSTRALIA Phone: (02) 9516 3733 Website: www.GROWint.org.au Or Phone: ADELAIDE BRISBANE DARWIN HOBART MELBOURNE PERTH SYDNEY
(08) 8231 6566 (07) 3394 4344 (08) 8945 4096 (03) 6223 6284 (03) 9890 9846 (08) 9328 3344 (02) 9569 5566
OVERSEAS Contact: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Illinois GROW National Center PO Box 3667 Champaign Illinois 61826-0667 Phone: (217) 352 6989
CANADA C/- Eileen Voisin 70 Lawndale Crescent Brampton Ontario L6S3L4 Phone: (905) 453 0771. REPUBLIC OF IRELAND GROW National Centre 11 Liberty Street Cork Phone: (21) 277 520 NORTHERN IRELAND GROW Centre 3rd Floor, Room 302 28 Bedford Street Belfast BT2 2FE Phone: (1232) 278 181 NEW ZEALAND (North Island) GROW National Centre PO Box 8720 Symonds St Auckland Phone: (09) 846 6869 (South Island) GROW Centre PO Box 845 Christchurch Phone: (03) 366 5890 -«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-«-« ••••••• -»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»-»
