Gene Perret - Great One-Liners.pdf

GREAT T)NE=

ONER GENE PERRET Bob Hopes Head Comedy

Writer,

with Terry Perret Martin Illustrated

lw Myron Mill

GREAT ONELINER by

GENE PERRET,

Bob Hopes Head Comedy

Writer,

with Terry Perret Martin

Illustrated

I

by Myron Miller

Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.

New York

Data Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Perret

Gene

Great one-liners illustrated p.

/

Martin by Gene Perret with Terry Perret

by Myron cm.

;

Miller,

Includes index. from the author and Summary: Includes over 1,000 one-line gags Fields, Mark tan, W.C. Burns, George other personalities, ineluding ,

,

and Robert Benchley. ISBN 0-8069-8514-3 1. Wit and humor, Juvenile. I.

Martin, Terry Perret.

II.

[1.

Miller,

Wit and humor. Myron, 1948-

,

2. Jokes.] ill.

PN6163.P458 1992 818'.5402-dc20

III.

Title.

,,

CIP

AG

10

9876543

Company, Inc. Published in 1992 by Sterling Publishing 10016 N.Y. 387 Park Avenue South, New York,

©

1992 by Gene Perret Canada by Sterling Publishing Canadian Manda Group, P.O. Box 920, Station

Distributed in

%

Toronto, Ontario,

U

Canada M8Z 5P9

by Cassell PLC Distributed in Great Britain and Europe 5JE, England WC2N London Strand, 41/47 House, Villiers Ltd. Link Capricorn Distributed in Australia by 2066 P.O. Box 665, Lane Cove, NSW America Manufactured in the United States of All rights reserved

Sterling

ISBN 0-8069-8514-3

..

to

Kathy,

Bob, Sue,

and Mike

— Gene to

my

dear husband, Jack,

who through

better or worse,

richer or poorer,

sickness or health

can always make

— Terry

me

.

.

.

laugh

CONTENTS

About One-Liners Luck & Laughter Luck • Laughter

1.

Family Ties Childhood • Children

13

2.

Relatives

•

•

Pets

School Chums & Chumps Education • Dummies • Brains

21

3.

4.

The Sporting

Football 5.

•

People

27

Life

Baseball

We Know

•

Hockey

Go// • Boxing

•

& Love — or Don't

Egomaniacs • Bores Potatoes • Grouches

37

Latecomers • Couch • Cheapskates • Crazies

•

Looks Are Everything Fashion • The Worst Dressed • Appearance • Beauty • Big Eaters • Skinnies • Bodybuilders • Baldies • Barbers • //m'r

6.

7.

Boy Meets

Bachelors

•

Girl,

and So

Dating

•

On

.

.

65

.

Marriage

Our Happy Home Money Troubles • Housework

71

8. Bless

House •

•

Neat Neighbors

Call the

49

•

•

Man Around

Cooking

•

the

Kitchen

Handyman

King of the Road Automobiles • Driving

85

9.

•

Traffic

r 10.

I

Wonder Where

Travel

•

Airlines

•

My

Luggage Went

I'm in Pretty Good Shape for the Shape I'm In Health • Hospitals • Doctors, Dentists & Shrinks • Diets • Exercise

11.

12.

Our World

Weather Pollution 13. Life

Birth

•

& Welcome to It

Drought •

Earthquakes

99

109 •

Water

Air Pollution

Old Age

•

Index

6

•

& Its Aftereffects •

93

Hotels

Great One-Liners

Death

119 •

Spiritual Matters

127

ABOUT OHE-LIHERS

Most of us are familiar with the phrase "Good answer." We've heard it shouted by enthusiastic teammates on the television game show "Family Feud." But what is a "good answer?" "Bolivia" might be a good answer, but not in response to the question: Can you name a former President of the United States

A

who

did not attend college?

good answer has to be an appropriate response to a An answer can't exist alone. It must be in tandem

question.

with a query. This book

is

called Great One-Liners.

A

one-liner

is

a

funny, creative, clever response to a situation. Just as an

answer can't exist without a corresponding question, so a one-liner can't exist without a set-up.

The set-up can be another sentence,

as in

Rodney Danger-

field's line:

My

father gave

first

time

I

me

a bat for Christmas. The

tried to play with

it,

it

flew

away.

Sometimes, the set-up can be a question, such question:

What do they

had the stew answer:

call

someone who

in the cafeteria today?

An ambulance.

as:

— The setup can be a

situation. For example,

game with my nephew. One

I

attended a

home-team players was hit by a pitch on the top of the head. He wasn't seriously injured. As he trotted to first base, my nephew baseball

of the

said:

most wood

That's the all

he's gotten

on the

ball

season.

The set-up can even be self-contained or

implied. For

exam-

ple, this line:

When Noah

built the ark,

swat the two

The

one-liner,

which

flies

call

it

didn't he

a traditional show business joke

is

form, doesn't necessarily

why One

why

while he had the chance?

mean

a one sentence gag.

a one-liner? Because one of the lines

of the lines

the funny one.

is

One

If

that one line

it

is

the

name

the

a joke. That's

"one-liner."

then you have a great one-liner.

Great One-Liners

is

sharp, incisive, creative, clever, funny

enjoy throughout this book.

8

it

Then

essential.

of the lines

punchline. That's the one line that makes the line that gives

is

I

hope

that's

what

you'll

LICK& ACT

I

\

LAUGHTER

1

£2^