Friends To Lovers PDF

 

How to turn a friend into a lover Kate Taylor

Have you fallen for one of your friends? Are you hoping to change the friendship into something so mething more, but don’t know where to start? Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s our Dating Coach Kate Taylor with her simple three-step plan Most people that I’ve met have, at some point in their life, fallen in love

with one of their friends. Sometimes they easily manage to turn the friendship into a relationship. But more often, they keep their feelings secret s ecret for fear of embarrassment or of ruining an important friendship forever.

 

Sometimes these friendships aren’t  purely platonic. Couples can end up in “friends with benefits” relationships, where they engage in physical passion  but share no other parts of a proper relationship. Although satisfying  physically, these arrangements arrangements can be very draining emotionally. If you’re in love with a friend, don’t give up hope, and don’t be afraid to act on your feelings. These can be the strongest, most satisfying and longestlasting of all relationships. Modern dating is often based on instant attraction and shared interests. But friendships that turn into love are based on a true understanding of each other, honesty, and a shared history. A word of caution, however: ho wever: you can’t  just jump in. It took time to develop develop your friendship, and it will take a little lit tle more time to change it into a relationship. In order to help you

 

navigate the change successfully, I’ve created a simple, three-point plan.

Step 1: Drop a tiny bombshell

Open a conversation about your feelings. But, to prevent feeling embarrassed or putting your friend on the spot, phrase it in a subtle way. I suggest you lightly tell them, with a

 

smile, “ Do you know, I used to have a huge crush on you.” you.” The beauty of this remark is that it puts absolutely no pressure on your friend to reply in any particular way. If they’re not interested, they won’t be searching for a tactful comment to spare your feelings, because you’ve suggested that you’ve dealt with your emotions and moved on, happily. If they are interested, it gives them th em an easy opportunity to reply that they had a crush on you, too, and in fact they still do. But psychologically, this comment goes a little deeper: it also inspires a competitive spirit in your friend. By saying that you used to have a crush on them, you’re equally saying that you no longer do. They’ll immediately wonder why not, and what they can do to turn you back around. Almost without realising it, they’ll be driven to win over your feelings.

 

After you’ve dropped your bombshell, don’t try to prolong the conversation. Your friend will need time to ponder, so give them some room.

Step 2: Back off, just a little  Next, it’s time to inject inject a little scarcity into your friendship. The Scarcity Sc arcity Principle is well documented in  psychology. Robert Cialdini, an influence expert, found that “people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain” (see more here).  None of us like to feel feel we are being  pushed into anything—whether anything—whether it’s  buying a product or choosing choosing a romantic partner. But as soon as we are told that the product has almost sold out, or we feel that a possible romantic

 

interest is slipping away, we react and take action so that we don’t lose out. This is how the principle of “playing hard to get” works. When you’re friends, you don’t try to appear elusive or aloof. There’s no need. But when you’re trying to win over a romantic partner, it’s often a good tactic—especially after your  bombshell. Become just a little more difficult to  pin down. If you usually see your friend three times a week, reduce that to two, or even one. If you usually spend 30 minutes on the phone to each other, cut back to just 10. If you are “friends with benefits” but you want more, then you have to stop the physical side of your friendship. This might feel like you’re taking a step back, and you’ll worry that it’s the only thing keeping your friend interested. But if that’s the case, it’s it’ s

 

definitely time to stop; to find someone who wants a real relationship, you’ll need motivation to get out and start looking. Having a pseudo-partner will hold you back. The best way to introduce introdu ce the Scarcity Principle is to charmingly turn down last-minute suggestions, or mundane activities like watching TV together. If your friend suggests you go for dinner or plans a fun activity for the weekend, go! But don’t allow yourself to become a stand-in or a back-up if their other companions are busy. Instead, build up your own social life and actively engage in more of your own hobbies and interests. The more life and energy you build up for yourself, the more attractive you’ll naturally become to everyone else. Allowing your friend to miss your company a little bit is a sure-fire way of inspiring them to think about you

 

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Step 3: Flirt your socks off

 

The final step in turning a friendship into a relationship is the most fun: it’s time to flirt. All those things that you love and admire about your friend—tell them. Don’t be afraid that you’ll scare them off: the beauty of combining flirting with the Scarcity Principle is that you’ll never become overwhelming. In her 1928 groundbreaking book, The book, The Technique of The Love Affair , a young Doris Langley Moore advised women seeking to inspire love in men, to use “warm words, but cool actions”. Never hold back a compliment or miss an opportunity to admire your friend. But equally, don’t smother them with gifts or demand too much of their time. Just  be charming. This allows your friend friend to see you in the role r ole of their partner.

 

So, to turn a friendship into a relationship, try: 1) Revealing your feelings (with a postdated confession, to save embarrassment); 2) Pulling back just a little, and  building up your own life, happily; happily; 3) Being flirtatious and complimentary every time you’re together. If your friend also wants to explore starting a relationship with you, you’ll know very soon. And if they don’t, you’ll have lost nothing. You can continue being friends, while you keep widening your own social circle and eventually find someone who does share all your dreams and goals. g oals. Good luck!

 

. Yo, cool it with the names, Brah.  Brah.  Stop calling him buddy, friend, pal, brother, slugger, dude, kid, cool guy, big guy, little guy, son, champ, sport, loser, Spike, dawg, punk, slick,  professor, tiger, Smith, Smith, and hey you. you. Those names belong in the Friend F riend Zone and they give off the wrong signal. They might feel comfortable to use, but they don't get his heart racing (or yours!). They tell him you are not interested. Use his first name. 2. Change what you do together. together.   Create an opportunity for romance.  Put down the Frisbee Frisbee and go for a drink. My friend Lindsey took a small sma ll road trip with her guy friend so that they could attend a friend's party in another city. On their return trip, they were more than friends. Now they're getting married.3. married.3. Dress for a date.  date. 

 

 You want to maintain your your identity and style, but try tapping into your feminine side. Swap the sweatpants for a skirt. He will notice. This sounds so  backwards and antiquated, but I swear: skirts! Men are visual people. My friend Kate was like, a superjock tomboy but in 2003, after spending a semester hanging around me at grad school, she started wearing the color pink and skirts for the first time in her life. Men noticed! She snagged her first boyfriend the next semester. I'm just sayin'. 4. Stay open to other possibilities.  possibilities.  Date other people. If he asks you about these guys, he might be wondering about the competition. Nothing wrong  with a little healthy competition. competition. And  while we're at it… 5. Don't over-focus on him and  what could be. be.  

 

If your mutual friends constantly gossip about how great you'd be together, that's annoying. I'm glad they see what  you see (or what you want to see), but is that what he he sees?  sees? He won't become  your boyfriend because because everyone thinks it should happen. He'll date you if the chemistry grows and he feels attracted. FEATURED VIDEO

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on.  6. Get your flirt on.  It may feel inauthentic or suspect to start acting coy and girly and weirdo if  you've always maintained your your cool.  Who bats their lashes while while playing a competitive game of pool? But hey, it  won't be embarrassingly obvious obvious if you start smiling and laughing more. You don't have to act like Miss Piggy, but choose two moves and do them: giggle, g iggle, touch his arm, toss your hair, touch  your neck, shrug your your shoulders, shake shake  your hips, bake him him a cookie. Come on! Be alluring! I'm not saying act fake, but if this guy makes you giddy, the giggling should happen naturally anyway.

 

7. Bite the bullet and ask him out already.   already. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right next to them. So if you're on the couch playing Xbox with your  bud and you're just just DYING to run your your fingers through his hair, well, it's time to ask him out. You cannot go on any longer. You are going to make yourself y ourself sick. Stop the torture. Ask him out. 8. But be patient after that!  that!   The timing has to be right for a gettogether. You might realize you have feelings for the guy, but at that time he's seeing someone else. (Watch how he reacts to your asking him out—is he touched? He might free up later and go after you!) Keep up the friendship and  who knows what the future will will bring.

 

The Secret to Turning Friendship Into Romance Relationships can develop, but only under certain circumstances. Posted May 31, 2014  

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Previously, I wrote here on research about when you should play "hard to get" in relationships. That research also get" in found an interesting distinction between behaviors that created "liking" and those that increased "desire" (Dai, Dong, & Jia, 2014). In other words, being easy, congenial, and friendly made a person more "likeable," but not  more  more attractive or desirable as a romantic partner. In contrast, being aloof and challenging made a person more attractive and desirable, but did not  make  make them likeable. This finding left me wondering whether this distinction between liking/friendship  and

 

desiring/attraction could be behind other romantic issues as well. After all, many individuals find it difficult to avoid or get out of theconnection "friend zone" and build a romantic with a friend (see here here and  and here here). ). Similarly, "nice" men and women often feel like they t hey finish last in relationships, being picked over for "bad" boys and girls who appear more desirable (see here here). ). Even those in long-term relationships who fall into friendly, companionate love sometimes need help resparking attraction sparking  attraction and passion. Lusting While Loathing I uncovered an article by Litt, Khan, and Shiv (2010) titled "Lusting While Loathing: Parallel Counterdriving of Wanting and Liking." As the title suggests, the researchers were interested in exploring whether our motivation for liking something might be separate from our motivation to want or desire it—and if these motivations were separate, could they sometimes be in conflict with each other?

 

To test these questions, the researchers designed two experiments that "jilted" some participants in various ways. In the failed first experiment, some participants to win a prize, while others succeeded. In the second experiment, some participants were denied an expected  reward,  reward, while others received it. The researchers then measured how much participants liked and desired to obtain the various prizes or rewards. The results of both experiments supported a distinction between liking and desiring—as well as the possibility of the processes working in opposition. Participants who had been jilted showed an increased desire to obtain the prizes or rewards they had been denied, as compared to non-jilted participants. However, those jilted participants also demonstrated significantly less liking for the prizes/rewards once they were obtained than non-jilted participants did—in fact, they were more willing to trade the prizes for something else.

 

Put simply, being denied a reward made people want it more, but like it less when they got it. In contrast, getting theless reward made them liketoit more, but motivated to work obtain more of it. Or, as the t he authors note, "These results demonstrate how dissociable psychological subsystems for wanting and liking can be driven in opposite directions" (p. 118). What Does This Suggest About Love and Friendship? Passionate love and friendly liking can sometimes conflict with one another. Too much nice guy (or gal) pleasing and you may find yourself killing attraction and desire in your partner. par tner. Too much bad boy (or girl) teasing, though, and you may find that your passionate lover doesn't really like you very much. In other words, satisfying satisf ying your partner's needs or wants increases how much they like you and how friendly they feel toward you—but it may also reduce

 

their desire to chase you for more. In contrast, not  satisfying  satisfying a partner's needs may keep them passionately pursuing you and trying please you, but will eventually lead totodislike, dissatisfaction, and animosity.  ARTICLE CONTINUES AFTER ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT 

The key is balance—intermittent rewards and a bit of tension. How might this look in practice? Consider three scenarios for the partners Chris and Pat: Every time Pat even hints at a want or need, Chris is quick to fill it. In fact, Chris often fills those needs before Pat truly builds up a strong desire for them,  just to be nice and thoughtful—without any concern for getting something in return. Over time, Pat will come to like Chris a lot—as a companion and friend. But Pat may feel little desire for Chris and perhaps not much motivation to please in return. This is the so-called "friend zone" in which desire has fizzled out—all liking, no wanting.

 

Now, suppose Chris was instead neglectful of Pat's needs. Left unfulfilled, Pat's needs and wants would become veryafter strong. Pat would most likely chase Chris cons constantly, tantly, doing whatever Chris wanted, simply s imply to get some satisfaction. Over time, Pat would come to desire Chris a lot. However, Pat might also feel a lot of resentment toward Chris and perhaps little motivation to stay in the relationship. This is the relationship with the "bad" boy or girl, or a neglectful partner, that seems so passionate at first, but ends on a sour note—all wanting, no liking. What Works The answer for Chris and Pat is a balance. Suppose Chris addressed Pat's wants and needs in a reasonable manner. Chris might be quick to address important needs, while placing secondary wants below other matters. Chris might also make Pat wait at other times and earn satisfaction in some way that was mutually beneficial. Perhaps

 

Chris might even flirt and tease with Pat a bit, putting Pat off for a minute, then offering a surprise. Over time, Chris would satisfyHowever, Pat enough build a great friendship. Pattowould also have to work for that satisfaction and sometimes wait, keeping some tension and desire as well. This is the balanced relationship—both liking and wanting.  ARTICLE CONTINUES AFTER ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT 

 As we have seen, desiring and liking are two distinct concepts and can often be at odds. Building a friendship fri endship can sometimes fizzle passion, while sparking desire can sometimes lead to resentment. Therefore, successful relationships balance anticipation with satisfaction—and wanting with liking. Truly successful find the middle ground between lovers too nice and neglectful.  As a result, their partners like them, love them—and still chase after them, too.

 

F riend How to Escape the Friend Zone To escape the friend zone, you must first realize that all relationships involve negotiation—and you are attempting to "re-negotiate" the current exchange. Essentially, you want "more" from the other person. Most likely, you are already giving too much and what you really want is for them to balance the scales. Fortunately, there are a few principles that do indeed balance the scales. Using those principles, we can devise a few steps to get you out of the friend zone: 1) Be Less Interested - The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being "needy" is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what w hat they want. So, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don't get the t he

 

relationship you want. Those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship (called the "Least Interested Principle" - Waller & Hill, 1951).  ARTICLE CONTINUES AFTER ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT 

2) Make Yourself Scarce - Spend some time away from your "friend" and do less for them. If they truly trul y appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. This is the principle of scarcity—where s carcity—where people value something more when it is rare or taken away from them (Cialdini, 2009). When you are no longer around as much or tending to their needs, they will most likely feel the loss. This may increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn't, then arefind justanother "not that into you." In thatthey case, "friend." 3) Create Some Competition  - Go out and make some other "friends" of the sex you are attracted to. Broaden your social network . Then, talk about

 

these new friends with the friend you desire. Competition and a little  jealousy are another great way to develop scarcity (Cialdini, 2009). People value more what they think they might lose. If you are busy with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don't see any  jealousy though, then they might not want to be "more than friends." In that case, set your sights on someone new! 4) Get Them to Invest - Ask your friend to do things for you. Contrary to popular belief , people like you more when they  do  do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them (for more, see here here). ). This is called the Ben Franklin Effect (Jecker & Landry, 1969). The more they invest in the relationship, the more you will mean to them. So, stop doing favors ... and start asking for them. Get them to give you a ride, r ide, study with you, fix something, etc. 5) Be Rewarding - Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when

 

they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Always remember to keep angratitude environment of too (see here mutual  flowing, here). ).  ARTICLE CONTINUES AFTER ADVERTISEMENT ADVERTISEMENT 

Taking It From There From those first steps, it is a matter of changing the actual relationship, either by asking the question directly or indirectly. Perhaps you'd like to indirectly ask them out on a real date (see here here)? )? Maybe you'd prefer the direct approach (see here here and  and here here)? )? Or, perhaps a conversation is more your way (see here here)? )? In any case, find a way to either directly or indirectly ask for what you want.

Conclusion It is possible to dig out of an uneven, "friend zone" exchange with a little  persuasion and influence. Just remember to focus on your own worth,

 

don't be desperate, and be willing to walk away. Allow some space for the other person to miss you. Make some friends of thatinvest friendship. Finally, outside let that friend in you and reward them for it. If they truly value you in their life, then they will be much more likely to take the relationship to the next level. If they don't, don' t, you already have some new friends, your selfrespect, and one foot out the door.

 

How To Turn A Friend Into A Lover

by David Kwan | Dating Advice

 

I’m about to reveal to you some pretty advanced knowledge – turning a woman friend into a lover isn’t only rare, it’s also extremely difficult. Most “unenlightened” men simply won’t be able to do this. If you don’t know what you are doing you could easily lose everything – even the friendship. But, if you can get good at turning friends into lovers you will have an invaluable skill… you’ll be able to go in “under the radar” so to speak by befriending a woman before trying to “pick her up.” Sure, the process is slower but for men who aren’t in a hurry it’s great. I will actually do this so that I can get an idea of a woman’s true nature while we are “friends” before I begin to date her. I use it as a screening process so that I don’t end up with shallow, unscrupulous, or dumb women. Here’s the difficulty … The woman considers you a friend so, when you start laying the moves on her, she is going to get freaked out, resist your advances, and probably avoid you for a while. So, the challenge is this… getting her to like you before she knows that you like her. It sounds a little like grade school when you put it in those terms but that is the essence of the solution. But, the nature of friendships is one where you  just “let your your hair down” down” and “be “be yourself.” yourself.” You are just supposed to relax and have a good time… it’s a whole other world compared to

 

dating where you are always supposed to be putting your best foot forward. And this is precisely where men run into trouble. You cannot act like a friend with a woman and expect her to become attracted to t o you. Instead, you must begin acting like a lover (whether you are one or not) before she can begin considering you as a lover. Makes sense, doesn’t it ? Now, allow me to clarify, when I say you are supposed to start acting like a lover I do not mean to make advances on her and, above all, I do not mean that you should start acting really “nice” around her. What I’m saying is that you should start to exude the qualities that women are attracted to. The qualities that women look for in lovers. The qualities that are outlined in my book The DateSTACKER Program. Avoid these typical friend behaviors: b ehaviors: 1. 

NEVER allow her to talk to you about other men she is interested in. Change the subject, without being obvious about it, if this ever happens. If she is talking to you about other guys you have become the equivalent of a girl friend – not good.

2. 

Don’t be available to her 24/7. Yes, a friend is always there but, remember, you aren’t trying to be a friend, your trying to be a lover. In

 

order to be a lover she needs to like you – but not like you as a friend. 3. 

Don’t “just hang out” and do boring stuff. Women want excitement, they want entertainment, they want to go out and have the time of their lives. This is what women are attracted to. Friends hang around the house and watch movies, lovers go out and spend money (just kidding, you don’t have to spend $$$ but you do need to put some effort and planning into the activities). act ivities).

4. 

Don’t spill your guts. Best friends talk about all the embarrassing, idiotic things they have done. Lovers, on the other hand, highlight their positive, admirable qualities and experiences. No matter what she says, she WILL look down on you for telling her about all the CRAP you did in the past. After a while, she should start to give off some signals. Maybe she will look deep into your eyes for longer than normal, maybe she will make subtle hints (that you probably won’t notice unless you are watching for them), or maybe she will just come out and say she is interested in you.

 

The funny (and magical) part about this process is that, whether she realizes it at first or not, you guys WILL be dating. When her friends and family see you guys going out and having fun together they will say things to her like “Are you guys dating?” and “Are you interested in him?” h im?” Regardless of her answer, the probing questions of her friends will get her mind working in that direction. The next time you guys go out (and have a blast together) it will be in the t he back of her mind. While she is having a great time with you she will be thinking “Gee, maybe Jenny is right, maybe I do like him… he sure is fun.” And, that my friend, is how it is done.