Four Years in Auckland

 

FOUR YEARS IN AUCKLAND

Marni Dee Sheppeard

 

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It was now my default campsite, the flat patch in the trough of the hill, on one edge of a wide council lawn. A shady grove blocks the harbour view over over Rangitoto, the city and Maungawhau. Maungawhau. Most importantly importantly, my tent lies at a maximal distance from both the roadside footpath and the walking track in the reserve below, and it is only thirty metres to the nearest row of  houses. Gradually, with effort, I was deleting my brain’s automated hypervigilant listening network. Whenever a group passed by within earshot, I would block one ear with my fingers as I lay with the other ear pressed against the ground. If I really focused, the piercing voices would fade into a murmur, like the rollingg sound of the sea in a shell, comfortably rollin comfortably impersonal. In time, through misuse mis use,, my brain would would lose its abilit ability y to parse parse nearb nearby y hu human man speech. speech. It was now already difficult for me to comprehend a direct query from a softly spoken individual, if there were any other sounds in the vincinity. Anyone who approached the tent was clearly intent on speaking to me, as there was no natural path into the forest from this spot. At night, night, especially around aroun d 3am, one had to assume assume hostile motivations. motivations. Even Even during the day this was often the case. One thing was certain: these disturbances were not hallucinations. Although I would invariably remain in my tent at night, and could give no visual description of these visitors, they usually made sure that I was awake before speaking or playing some recording that they wanted me to hear. I was easily awoken by electronic noise beside the tent, such as a radio or an alarm. alarm. If a house house alarm went went off in the direct direction ion of the rough, rough, dark forest, where there were no houses at all, it was reasonable to conclude that the fake noise was aimed at me. Due to my distance from the neighbours, a harasser could select a volume that was certain to disturb only me. The previous night, a Saturday, I had woken to sudden, blaring music,  just metres from the tent. The same thing was happening now. As it happens, I was already awake. Years ago I had learned to take the sleeping tablets at 5pm, in order to catch a few hours sleep before nightfall. Fifteen milligrams milligr ams of Zopiclone Zopiclone every day. day. Tonight, onight, a man started speaking to his mate. He wondered wondered whether the two of them should assault me, using the theft the ft of cash cash as an excuse excuse.. They They cle clearl arly y knew that a woman woman occup occupied ied the tent. ”It’s really strange”, the first voice said. ”Most women would be screaming by now”. In fact, I was lying calmly and quietly on my mat, breathing steadily. The heavy steel frying pan was by my side, and my knife was already in my hand. I let people p eople know know that I carried carried a dangerous dangerous gas stove stove and gas ligh lighter. ter. As expected, expected, b before efore long, the men left. There were were too many potential potential

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witnesses witness es in this this spot, spot, and I had the strategic strategic advan advantage tage.. In less than an hour after they had gone, I was asleep again. But whenever whenever they want want to, they hang around for five hours each night, in a form of sleep deprivation torture. I could look past this obvious crime to the motives of my true enemies, unknown people, almost certainly men, who had misled the local boys into thinki thi nking ng that I deserv deserved ed to be tortur tortured. ed. After After three years years here, I sti still ll did not know anyone in my neighbourhood. These true enemies, wherever they are, have vastly more resources and knowledge than these young misogynists. I could see what they were doing. They were trying to instill in my mind a new sense of worthlessness, to replace the replenished self esteem which I had used as a weapon against them. the m. For ten years years they they had been winnin winning, g, taking taking every every opportu opportunit nity y to reinforce my guilt and focus my attention on either suicide or survival. They had made it clear that I would forever be anonymous, worthless, although I was forced to carry the burdens of a public figure. Recently, however, the old narrative had been shattered. I had succeeded in making them angry. angry. The new narrative narrative was simple simple enough. Now I was merely the Tent Lady, having gained local notoriety merely in the way that homele hom eless ss people often do, just just by existin existing. g. Official Officially ly,, it could could not be true true thatt I am capable tha capable of fighting fighting.. Yet I had ceased ceased raving raving and dribbl dribbling ing,, in terror of hateful mobs, only once I had realised that my hidden enemy was far more powerfu powerful, l, and that I had earned earned this enerm enermy y. In reacting reacting to the petty crimes, I had underv undervalued myself. Some local people in Te Atatu Atatu have attempted attempted to move move me. They phone each other, phone the police, the council and local community groups. Luckily, nobody is responsible for anything anymore. Thee polic Th policem eman an,, Geor George ge,, first first sh show owed ed up a day day or two two afte afterr I tol told d a neigh nei ghbour bour that the police we were re ignori ignoring ng me. Georg Georgee app approa roach ched ed the tent very slowly, in a spiral pattern across the lawn, with his hands close to his weapons. When I told him that my abused brain was struggling, he hinted that the Mental Health authorities might be able to look after me. I quickly corrected him. George entered my personal details into his tablet and took a photograph of me sitting inside the doorway of the tent, improperly dressed. Then he checked that I knew the basics of camping, to make sure, as usual, that my previous existence existence was unknown unknown to them. Finally Finally, George George offered me a room in a cockroach infested lodge in a far away suburb, for one hundred and fifty dollars a week. I made it clear that I would no longer be bullied. The council men showed up later, after four months of camping out, rightt after my final meeting righ meeting with the Universit University y of Auc Auckland kland.. But we will get to these coincidences later. Since I had to alternate camps every two or three days, when I would walk into the village to visit the supermarket, I was always looking out for 2

 

suitable sites. I had chosen suitable chosen a new campsite, lower lower down inside the reserve. reserve. The day after my University meeting, a man wearing an orange safety vest had told me that I was not allowed to camp there, as if there were reasonable alternatives alternativ es for a homeless homeless person. Soon afterwards, afterwards, two council council men with busine bus iness ss cards visited visited me at the lawn campsit campsite. e. I showe showed d no inclinatio inclination n to talk, but they seemed to think I might be interested in a job with the council. I informed them rudely that I still had my own work, as a theoretical physicist. Another time, a Te Atatu business club member tried to voice a complaint about my occasional stays on the unused grass at the rear of the shops,, which shops which was technically technically private private property. property. Without Without pausing, pausing, she then tentatively offered to assist me in any way she could, so I told her right away she could start by not harassing me. It is a small step, from righteousness to rebellion, but it had taken many yea ears rs for me to find it. At last, last, I ac acce cept pted ed that I must must fight fight afte afterr all, all, even knowing that every move would be portrayed as meaningless insolence, or even even if nobody nobody knew knew I was was ac actu tuall ally y figh fighting. ting. I was was prep prepar ared ed for th thee consequences. In fact, I was rather surprised that George had not yet locked me up, un until til I realis realised ed this was a risk risk tha thatt they they could not take. take. Yes, the truth was so disturbing, that they could not allow a single authority to listen to my story. And I knew that it wasn’t really about me at all, because the problem is widespread. The locals know that I no longer carry a cellphone or tablet, or any online onl ine device, device, although although my laptop laptop is still with me. I had told a nu numbe mberr of  people about being bullied off the cellphone in my first year in Auckland. With neither a physical address nor a phone number, one is shut out of most social and financial activities. activities. Without Without an email address, address, one can actually actually be prevented from giving people money, especially if your online activity is monitored and controlled. I did not want to know the reasons for hatred, and had long avoided on onli line ne social social media. media. It was in my nature nature to be an ou outs tsid ider er.. But But in this this brave new world, everybody is an outsider to countless others, or a target for reveng revenge, e, althou although gh they may not know it. When When the thin delusio delusion n of  security is broken, let me tell you, you will face all the terrors of your mind, once and for all. You will all throw yourself yourself into Hell, from where you will try to build a road to the other side.

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I was born and raised in Sydney, where my father’s family have lived for at least seven seven generations. generations. My mother’s Pakeha Pakeha ancestors were in Tamaki Makaurau seven generations ago, and my grandfather was born and died here. My mother is from Te Kuiti. Kuiti. In Ka Tiritiri O Te Moana, my moun mountain tain is Tititea, feeding the waters waters of the Clutha river. river. Now this land has brought brought me to Te Atatu, where there are others like myself, whose whakapapa is lost in the mists of space and time. In my earliest memory, at the age of four, I am standing in the classroom in my neat green pinafore, two long pony tails tied with baubles. The teacher is training us to take our places in unison on her command. After what seems an eternity, she smiles sweetly and gives the signal, and each child drags their ch chair air out from under their their table. table. As we go to sit do down, wn, distracte distracted d by the colorful decorations on the wall, one child suddenly pulls my chair out from under me, so that I topple over onto the floor. I immediately burst into a terrible wail, not because I am hurt or because the other children laugh, but because I had been until then entirely unable to imagine imagine such such hostili hostility ty.. I would would get used to it, althou although gh for decade decadess I would never understand how or why I was selected as a target. Before Bef ore I starte started d high high sc school hool at the age of ele eleve ven, n, leavin leavingg behi behind nd the Neutral Bay Primary class for gifted children, I had cried and confided in a girl girl I hardly hardly knew. knew. I had told her I was was worri worried ed that the older older girls would would hurtt me. Then, feeling hur feeling guilty for having having shown weakness weakness and fear, when I was a big girl now, I vowed privately never to cry in front of bullies again. Of course there were problems problems straight away away. I refused to let my socks down, to unbutton my dress according to current trends, or to mock the disabled girls. One morning, arriving early for the Indonesian lesson, I was surpri sur prised sed to find my whole class class the there re before before me. While While searchin searchingg for a spare spa re seat, seat, I glanced glanced at the blackboar blackboard, d, where where someon someonee had scrawled scrawled in large, large, plain letterin lettering, g, ”Marni ”Marni is a Moron” Moron”.. Withou Withoutt batting batting an eyelid, eyelid, I walked to the front of the room and slowly wiped the board clean, while a number num ber of seated girls threw ripe red grapes at my back. There were were two girls in the class that I vaguely knew, from the Neutral Bay school, who now sat silent and shame faced, staring down at their desktops. If the class cannot make you cry, cry, the whole school will try try.. On your way home, a whole busload of girls will chant chant together, in a single mocking mocking voice. You ignore everything, knowing they will never risk physical violence. Then in the end, as the years pass, some give it up out of fear of punishment, or perhaps simply because they are bored. You never discuss discuss bullying at home. It is not that different different to the way your brother treats you, and you are certain that if you complained about problems at school, your mother would yell at you too.

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There are two childhood consolations: the faith that no amount of bullying can change who you really are, and the belief that adults are better behaved, behav ed, because they all claim to be. You just have to wait until until you are older, and then you will be free. As a young young woman you discover discover that many bosses are bullies. bullies. Managers Managers will give you the most gruesome tasks, constantly haranguing you for being useles use lesss and separat separating ing you from anyone anyone who might be a friend friend.. The only way this could be stopped was if the business owner made me the manager, which was always a sensible decision, since I was intelligent and worked hard. Other bullies would exploit my youthful generosity, wearing me out one day and then deliberately excluding me from an important social function the ne next xt.. But But I reall really y did not mind mind this. this. I had found found a new new cons consol olati ation on,, a permanent enlightened refuge from social battles: the university. The human world can take almost everything away from you, even your mind, min d, but not yo your ur place place in the land. One town town I would go back to, again and again, was Wanaka, the place of learning that is not a university. I spent years there, waitressing, skiing, climbing and tramping, settling down near the shore of the beautiful lake. From 2009, however, I had lived in Wanaka without touching the snow, and without gainful employment, hiding alone in my hovel. The doctor had taken one glance at my tearful face before signing the medical certificate, but the trauma of dealing with the Work and Income office once every three months was too much for me to bear, and so I settled for the smaller unemploymen unemploymentt benefit. To obtain this, I had hitchhik hitchhiked ed to Queenstown, sleeping outside on the steps of a church in order to make the early morning meeting. From 2010 on, the authorities had suggested that I find a cleaning job. The first such offer came from an occupational therapist who did not know what a physicist was. Later on, the Alexandra Work and Income office would actually find a specific employer and attempt to force me into a cleaning job. After all, I was an experienced cleaner. But such minimum wage part time positions no longer pay enough to live on, and more to the point: someone wass trying wa trying to force force me. I was no longer longer in a cooperat cooperativ ivee mood. I told the Work and Income officers that I was not a slave. slave. Luckily Luckily,, in this instance, my depression was obviously so severe that the employer in question was too afraid to speak to me. The unemploymen unemploymentt benefit was itself completely completely insufficient. insufficient. I was no longer young and strong, and my malnutrition became so advanced that I lost lost my fat and muscl muscle. e. In a psych psychotic otic haze, haze, beyond beyond all anger, anger, Death was now very very near and welcome. welcome. Yet I was not the kind of depressive depressive who could tackle tac kle Death Death with her own hands. hands. It had been temptin tempting, g, yes, yes, the bright bright blue waters of Lake Pukaki, the private caverns of ice on endless glaciers, the short walks to tow towering ering cliffs. But Death would come more peacefully peacefully,, and soon enough, if I simply neglected myself. 5

 

What I did not realise at all, beneath the choking horror of life, was that there was still something I needed to understand. Not something deep, just some mystery about present circumstances, that required solving. At heart, I was still a curious scientist. During the icy winters, my condition was hidden under bulky garments. But in spring, my friends Kerie and Allan discovered my emaciated state. They The y started started feeding feeding me, and I began began to rebuild rebuild my streng strength. th. In 2012 I finally moved onto a proper health benefit, for the first time in my life, although althou gh depression depression had plagued me since the 1980s. This would give give me enough food to eat for the following year. Paying less rent, I slowly managed to save money for a move to Auckland in 2013. This was to be a positive move, despite the fog of depression, anxiety and paranoia, all inevitable consequence consequencess of events events.. I was seeking seeking a cure for the unsustainable unsustainable mental mental isolation. The northern northern climate was pleasantly pleasantly mild. On arrival in Auckland, I leased a studio flat in Mount Eden, within walking distance of the city. There were two professors that I vaguely knew at the University of Auckland, both in the Department of Mathematics. One was David Gauld, a topologist, whom I had come across at various conferences over over the previous previous decade. He and his partner Rachel, Rachel, a statistician, statistician, took me to lunch at the University staff club. Determined to ignore my dire situation, I explained to them how I really wanted a research grant of some kind, as if I was an ordinary ordinary academic newly newly arrived in the city city.. After all, nobody in New Zealand had seriously spoken to me about employment since my return to New Zealand in 2009. David said the Department always had a little money for that sort of thing, and he could probably sort something out. But somehow there was no money. There was was nowhere nowhere else for me to go. Debt made Australia Australia financial financially ly impossible, and they had also disowned me, and I could not tolerate the heat. I figured I belonged in Aotearoa. I had previously spent time at universities in Christchurch and Wellington. My health could no longer tolerate the cold climate of Dunedin. So I went went along to the familiar Universit University y of Auc Auckland, kland, without considering the three other North Island alternatives. As it happens, an internet persona named Mike had dominated my online social soci al inter interacti actions ons for years years,, notably notably while I was was liv living ing in isolati isolation. on. In an attempt to escape from him, and rebuild some degree of sanity, I had blocked internet access on my old laptop, at least as well as I could, and devoted my energi ene rgies es to writin writingg a text text book. Havin Havingg comple completel tely y forgott forgotten en most of the technical material, this book became a fine symbol of my descent towards madness. When I finally posted the book online, as scientists do with all their work, the consequences came close to breaking my mind permanently. Then one day, as I sat in the long grass beside the house truck in Wanaka, litres of  6

 

tears streaming down my face, I found one consolation to keep me going: the quiet university library, the image of me pulling an interesting mathematics book from the shelves, shelves, whose arrangement arrangement I knew by heart. This was not merely a motiv merely motivational ational though thought, t, to get me to Auckla Auckland. nd. It was the   only  thought that remained in my diseased mind. The University of Auckland made me an academic visitor, allowing me to borrow borro w books bo oks from the library and read academic journals. journals. The administraadministrative task was handed to the other mathematician that I knew in Auckland, Ben Martin, who had been at Canterbury while I was doing my PhD in Theoretical Physics. There was one form to fill out. While sorting this out in his office, Ben let me know that the University and I had an unwritten understanding that I would not claim any affiliation with the University of Auckland. I did not at all mind. After After all, I was was really really quite mad. mad. I would would spend days days either either rewriting the insane book, making it worse and worse, or allowing my blog to degenerate into fits of rage against unseen trolls. Until I moved to Auckland, I did not understand to what extent sleep deprivation can break down the brain and cause permanent damage. Already in Wanak Wanaka, a, paranoia had been b een my default reality reality. I was not imagining imagining the hostility of the internet, or the trend in rudeness from apparent strangers, but far beyond this, my mind would be consumed with fits of irritation over every perceived act of manipulation, such as people wheeling their garbage bins onto the path in front of me. The main threat was noise. People could be arrested for physical assault, yet plead innocence innocence for all manner of sounds. And the stalkers stalkers knew that many sounds caused me pain. They knew many, many things. For the first few months in Auckland, I had no pillow or no vacuum cleaner, causing fits of anxiety, because I had to pretend everything was all right whenever the real estate agent visited. Every dollar had been spent on eit either her the rental rental bond or bare bare nec necess essitie itiess for the flat. My credit credit card card had mysteriously exceeded its maximum. I was continuously nervous about the three monthly inspections, because the very idea of a monitored tenancy was an insult to my generation and an affront to my dignity. Terrified that the Mount Eden neighbours would learn my name, I decide cided d not not to speak speak to them at all. all. I di did d speak speak to on onee of the landlor landlords ds,, initial initially ly,, but that turned turned out to be a mistak mistake. e. When When I compla complaine ined d about the bright night lights, which shone underneath the curtains, he made sure they were left on for longer. And so it goes. The noise of the neighbourhood neighbourhood prevented prevented me from sleeping. sleeping. The building was at the bottom of a narro narrow w gully gully,, definin definingg the street. street. There There were all-night parties in nearby houses, vehicles coming and going all the time, firecrackers at 3am, and people speaking loudly right outside my windows, which whic h were unsealed. unsealed. Even Even if I had been well, I was completely completely unused unused to this density of population. The woman in the flat above mine asked me to 7

 

walk more walk more sile silent ntly ly.. Then Then the man to the east starte started d banging banging around around his flat at 4am in the morning. Nonee of thi Non thiss was was imagina imaginary ry,, but I was was also also ha havin vingg halluc hallucina ination tions. s. In the middle of the night, lying in bed, I would look at the dim outline of  the table, the only other piece of furniture furniture in the flat. Feeling eeling wide awake, awake, I would watch the table, and the whole grey room around it, warp out of  shape and turn into a dark street, with pinpricks of light in the distance. I was angry with the man next door, but completely unable to speak to him. So I tried to report the disturbances to the police. It was the first time in my life that I had ever bothered to report harassment to an authority, and the respons responsee wa wass very very negativ negative. e. The volunt volunteer eer constabl constablee laug laughed hed at my story and hinted, supposedly on the basis that I was unhinged, that I probably proba bly knew something something about the local drug dealers. He then suggest suggested ed I smile nicely and make my neighbours a pot of tea. When the noise kept me awake even at 2am in the morning, spoiling any chance of sleep for the night, I started banging in return on the eastern wall, as a means means of telling telling the man to shut shut up. In this case, case, much much of the noise noise was probably due to the faulty plumbing, but I was in no state of mind to be discerning. discerning. The male neigh neighbour bourss starte started d being being really really nasty nasty. Finall Finally y, after after a few weeks of me banging on the wall, the man to the east leapt out of his flat, apparently fully clothed and wide awake, and knocked loudly on my fragile glasss door. glas door. I could could hear the man commise commiserat rating ing with a second second man from the flat on my wester western n side, side, about about my dubious dubious night night time activit activities ies.. The second man said, clearly within my earshot, that I was obviously a crazy bitch. They decided to enlist the help of the domineering landlord, who hid behind the fence one morning in order to catch me as I walked past. Needless to say, I was not going to answer the door in the middle of the night, nigh t, to two two angry men banging on the fragile glass. I never spoke to them. Avoiding prejudiced neighbours was not a luxury, but a matter of sanity. After Aft er a few months months,, my landla landlady dy let me off the lease. lease. By that time, I was was being further traumatised by major construction work on the pipes in the building, about which I had received no notification. Hurredly, braving the Work and Income office once more, I found a studio flat in New Lynn. David David and Rachel Rachel came around around in their their car to help help me move. They paid for a motel room in New Lynn, where I shut myself up for three days before being driven to Hell.

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2.

Poverty. Every minute you remember, that life might have been productive but for the luxuries that your own relatives throw out carelessly in their trash, all the while chiding you for your prodigal wastefulness. The wealthy consume and the poor pollute. I go to buy groceries. Each time I remember when I was young, when things were different. Back then we bought meat from the butcher, choosing precisely what we wanted for the week wee k from the wide selection in the window display display. The butcher butcher wrapped our purchase in paper, and it was placed in a cloth bag. We would go home happy that no meat had been wasted and no plastic wrapping used. Today oday I liv livee in a poorer poorer area. area. I buy meat from from a large large super supermar marke ket, t, which has a monopoly on many products. This supermarket does not offer single serves serves of meat, as if single people do not deserve deserve to eat meat. I cannot store the meat that I don’t eat, because I am too poor to have have refridgeration refridgeration.. If I splash out on two pieces of steak, which I can do sometimes now that I am homeless and not paying rent, then I throw one steak away, along with the ubiquitous plastic packaging. If I was still paying rent, there would be no meat, no fresh vegetables or no ch chees eese. e. Most Most of my purch purchase ases, s, such such as bread bread or ch chocola ocolate te biscui biscuits, ts, would woul d come in plastic wrapping. wrapping. Sugar, once a luxury centuries centuries ago, feuls the impoveri impoverishe shed d by destro destroyin yingg our minds. minds. And of course course,, the poor are always to blame. A ten year old knows enough mathematics to conclude that the planet cannott sustain canno sustain ten billion starving starving people. p eople. Authorities Authorities conversel conversely y conclude conclude that the planet cannot feed ten billion wealthy wealthy,, demanding people. In any event, twenty billion is impossible, while patriarchal propaganda persists in promoting a consumer family life. Everyone is already clawing for survival. On the grounds of a history written by oppressors, poverty and slavery are deemed inevitable. Yet the Earth will never be saved until every single person has enough to make moral choices at the supermarket, whether they are employe employed d or not. This This is not a minor minor adjustme adjustment nt to neoliber neoliberal al ideals ideals,, where the powers that be introduce a universal basic income that turns out to be about half half what one really really needs. needs. It must must be a society society where where people value, alue, and pa pay y for, things things that matter. matter. A cle cleane anerr or a bus driv driver er is more more valuable than a corrupt CEO, and I can assure you from personal experience,  just as skilled. This is the only way we can survive. One great myth in the West is that donations to charities help the poor. Consider the Salvation Army. Through hundreds of relocations, often forced by financial problems, I have handed over many households full of belongings to them. They come around to your house with a truck to pick up donations. The majority of these belongings, at any given time, had been purchased with hard cash at one of the Salvation Salvation Army second second hand stores. stores. Over Over my

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lifetime, this particular charity has never given me a single thing. I never never borrow borrow money money from from indivi individua duals, ls, althoug although h I confes confesss to ha havin vingg accepted accep ted small gifts from wealthy wealthy family and friends. friends. So I have have a reput reputation ation as a sponger. Modern charities clearly exist to make profits for relatively wealthy people, and to allow wealthy people to feel good about themselves for helping to perpetuate inequalities. Any charity that attempts to do otherwise under the old paradigm will be controversial, and probably shut down. With the growing concern about poverty, at least in the press, the supermarket has started a food donation program, where it encourages shoppers to add ite items ms to their their charit charity y bin. bin. Sugges Suggestiv tivee labe labels ls have have been put on the shelv she lves, es, near the items that that are suitable suitable for poor people to eat. Why Why not end poverty poverty by ensuring ensuring that poor people only eat noodles. noo dles. I removed removed two labels from the noodle shelf and placed them beside the chocolate spreads and honey. If my experience with food parcels was any guide, the best food will never make it to the hungriest, because those people are supposed to starve to death, secretly, while growing obese on noodles. Once you have received two five dollar bags of noodles and tinned tomatoes, the community aid person will tell you, with a charming smile, that you really cannot expect too many food parcels. One day, people will be ashamed of wealth. I digress digress.. Econom Economics ics is is economic economics. s. Po Pollu llution tion is is pollutio pollution. n. All these these hurdles that you can see, they are as nothing compared to the real Devil, the beast who feels the need to maintain Control. I do not know exactly when my problems started, when the local bullying became beca me global. global. It took years years for my innocence innocence to be lost, lost, and for modern modern corruption to ruin my country. Demons are reluctant to attack so long as they feel you might have protection, from family or friends or colleagues. Abuse begins with isolation. Oncee yo Onc you u are compl complete etely ly alone, alone, yo you u are shown shown ho how w yo your ur pas pastt has been erased, as if you never existed. Then they let you know that you are to blame for all this abuse, showing you how your madness discredits everything you did before. before. In my case it was was all so easy, easy, and there there were no overt overt death threats thr eats to take take to the police. police. I was no IT expert expert and far too trusting trusting.. As my problems with websites and email accounts escalated, I denied to myself  that I was a target. After all, Mike was the only person I had left to talk to. Theorists like to work on whiteboards, because they often need to alter a mes messy sy calculatio calculation n without without much much regard regard for mathema mathematica ticall rigour rigour.. I had alway alw ayss wanted wanted my own whitebo whiteboard ard.. When When a com commu munit nity y aid woman woman in Auckland asked me what little gift they could buy me, I asked for a small whiteboard. whiteboa rd. We went to the Warehou Warehouse se for quotes, quotes, but the purchase purchase was never nev er approved. approved. The woman mumbled mumbled something something about the man with the 10

 

pen. It cost twenty twenty dollars for the cheapest cheapest whiteboard whiteboard,, but such such an item would never make it onto my budget, even if money was being wasted on cups of coffee. Rent now took up eighty percent of my income. At the University, where I went about once a week, I was keeping to mysel my self. f. There There was one man in the Departm Departmen entt of Physics Physics that I had met previously in the South Island, namely the Head of Department, Richard Easther. Easth er. At public public lectures on Physics Physics he would nod hello. Richard Richard was a colleague of the theorist David Wiltshire from the University of Canterbury, who had been a nominal supervisor during my PhD years. One day Richard was talking about new directions for the Department, and he told me they were going to hire postdocs who were young and smart. In a fit of agony and paranoia, I happened to mention this to a woman in a private, internet-free lawyer’s office at the Human Rights Commission on Queen Street. Street. She rushed rushed off to her computer to google me, before escorting escorting me all the way out of the building.

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3.

The New Lynn motel manager had agreed to take me and my boxes to the new flat. It was raining lightly lightly,, and he was kind enough to carry stuff  from the van to the foyer. I was too exhausted to care if the newly purchased vacuum cleaner cleaner got wet. Like Like the previous previous vacuum vacuum cleaner, cleaner, which which I had not been bee n ab able le to se sele lect ct free freely ly off th thee sh shel elf, f, th this is on onee di didn dn’t ’t work work proper properly ly.. I focused instead on keeping the books dry. As usual, when moving under the restrictions of poverty, I had given up all my old furniture. The new flat had a desk and a bed in it, and a washing machine. mach ine. It also had a power power guzzling guzzling fridge, which I would not use. In fact, the previous tenants had left in a hurry under mysterious circumstances, leavin lea vingg all their their belongi belongings ngs behind. behind. The estate agents agents promis promised ed to cle clean an the place up properly before before I moved moved in, but they never did. Later, Later, after I expressed my delight with these unexpected gifts, the agents claimed many items for themselves in a chattel list. Fortunately, I had only told them about a few items. The clothes fitted fitted me and I found the kitchen kitchenware ware tasteful. tasteful. The remaining dozen boxes of unwanted junk were carted to the skip downstairs. These The se flats flats we were re comfor comfortab table, le, taking taking warm warmth th from from the neigh neighbour bouring ing heater hea ters. s. I could could not have have sur surviv vived ed anothe anotherr winter winter in the freezing freezing south. south. I was also happy with the local Chinese markets, where I could buy a few fresh vegetables each week. The buildin buildingg was was a constr construct uction ion site. The agent agent had assured assured me beforehand that the recladding process was entirely exterior, but this was a lie. The builders required frequent access to the flat, often by removing the entire ent ire balcony balcony door. It seemed that many many people had keys to the flat. Far short of the required 24 hour notice, I would often find out the builders were coming only in the morning. Paranoid about my precious books, which had recently been returned to me from Australia, I would stay in the flat all day whenever anyone came, whether it was the builders, the agents, the fire inspectors or the cockroach people. Every day day, the noise was unbearable. What happened at night was worse. I do not know the source of this noise. It could have come from the empty flat next to mine, or the flat upstairs, where I one day espied a strange man while climbing on the scaffolding. Most nights there was a hammering sound on my ceiling, above the bed, or the greatly amplified sound of a man peeing in a toilet. Twen Tw enty ty four hours hours a da day y of sleep depriv deprivation. ation. I was was bein beingg punish punished ed for being a noisy noisy bitch bitch.. Accord According ing to the official United United Nat Nation ionss cri criter teria, ia, to tort rtur ured ed.. I don’ don’tt know know how my brain brain survi survive ved. d. It was was ce cert rtain ainly ly badly badly damaged. damage d. There were were hallucinations hallucinations and I had almost no control control over over my emotions. When the estate agent visited, arriving hours before the arranged time, I screamed at her in rage and left the flat, telling her to lock up when

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she left. At times, the noises followed me around the flat, and I’m sure this was by design, design, not my imaginat imagination ion.. I we went nt to the police, police, yellin yellingg that I did not ha have ve schiz schizoph ophren renia. ia. They They laughed. laughed. One day, day, when when I wa wass sure one of the builders was deliberately hammering the wall of my bedroom while I was lying there, I even dialled 111. Nobody came. Mostt da Mos days, ys, I rose rose around 5am and went went out. out. Relief Relief was a cup of coffee from the cafe in the central square, although I knew this was bad for my health. I would check my email at the local library, which required a personal account. accou nt. I was going into the universit university y about one day a week. From New Lynn, I could no longer walk to the city, and the bus fare became a major component of my budget. I borrowed a pair of ear muffs from the builders. They did not block out the lower lower frequencies, frequencies, and they were too tight. tight. The hearing abnormalitie abnormalitiess we were re probabl probably y the cause of the vertigo. vertigo. Either Either that or a minor minor stroke. stroke. It is unnervi unnerving, ng, the first time. time. The There re is no pain. pain. It is a little like like dizziness dizziness,, only it is the room itself that spins around one’s head. It was worse when I wass lyi wa lying ng down, down, so I would would stay standin standingg up. I had to retrai retrain n the balan balance ce circuits in my brain by walking in straight lines and swinging my head in various directions. I lost lost my keys, keys, and was was convin convinced ced they were were stol stolen. en. After After a long argument with the agent on my cell phone, I managed to get a locksmith to che hecck the the fron frontt door. door. It did no nott occur occur to me to ques questio tion n why why th thee agen agentt would wo uld text text me in the middle middle of the night. night. She tried tried to ch charg argee me for the new lock. This was far from the first time I had received unwarranted bills. The woman who managed the overpriced utilities was constantly making mistakes, which I could not afford to ignore. Richard Easther and I agreed to meet one day in his office, where we spoke for five minutes about neutrinos. I no doubt sprouted some incoherent babble bab ble.. In the library library I had been trying trying my best to relearn relearn this material material from scratch, for the third or fourth time in my life. In Physics, as in many scientific subjects, discrimination is apparently acceptable against so called crackpots. Technically, I did not belong to this group,, having group having spent much much of my life in some official position at a univ universit ersity y. But your reputati reputation on and your mental mental health health status makes makes a diff differe erence nce.. I had spent spent years years bloggin bloggingg about about crazy crazy ideas ideas in the theore oretica ticall ph physi ysics, cs, oft often en befrien befr iendin dingg crack crackpots. pots. I had been banned banned from from the profes professio sional nal res resear earch ch archive website back in 2004, and since then posted papers on a controversial crackpot alternative website. I was trying to stay in Theoretical Physics because this was my vocation. Physics had found me in 1982, when I was still a school girl in Sydney. Along with mathematics, it was the only thing I was good at. When I was a girl, I despaired that I was still not smart enough, but my undergraduate marks forced force d me to change change my mind. Back then, then, the general general public did not care 13

 

much for science, and there was no irksome competition much competition or glamour. The idea of physicists as public speakers would have been laughable. My world was peaceful until 1989, when I was first forced into poverty. Without realising it, I had been conditioned to bear the guilt for all my failures failur es ever since. since. I had not completed completed my PhD until 2007, after my first bout of psychosis, which was due, as usual, to starvation. Now in January 2014, I was well used to malnutrition and depression. The primary problem now, however, was getting out of the New Lynn flat. Leaving Lea ving would mean I had broken broken two consecutive consecutive leases. leases. I had no doubt that I would be blamed for being a bad tenant. After cle cleaning aning up and giving away odds and ends, I walked out of the place, and Rachel came to collect my boxes, which were then stored in their garage. The people people at Wo Work rk and Income Income we were re not inclined inclined to be hel helpfu pful. l. At first they believed whoever it was that tried to claim my bond money, but I was not going going to stand for blatan blatantt theft. I told them it was was not my faul faultt if the construction workers had somehow wrecked the flat after I left. I had returned the keys to the Epsom agency in person, lugging my baggage on the bus. Findin Fin dingg a new flat was provin provingg to be impossib impossible. le. I had smashed smashed the cell phone to pieces, finally accepting the reality that a malicious entity wass contro wa controllin llingg all the calls, calls, and using using the phone phone for surv surveil eillanc lance. e. The last straw was an attempt to contact the Autism NZ help line, where the woman who answered told me I could not expect any help because most people work during during the day. day. Before Before that, I had sent a desperate text to an old mathematics colleague in Australia. The reply contained a reference to senility and a link to the Aged Care website. There were were many suitable, cheap studio flats in the city. city. I was allowed allowed to look at them, quite an effort in itself, but was turned down every time. One day, a friendly Queen Street agent showed me a beautiful place in the Argentt building. It was one of the cheapest Argen cheapest available available flats in the city. city. I filled out the tenancy application application form. The landlord approved approved the application. application. Unfortunately, the manager at the Work and Income office then told me that I was not allowed to live in this flat, as if she had the right to decide. There was nowhere to go. Now I was staying in noisy and abusive hostels, and when I could bear it no longer, I would crawl under a bush and bivy in the garden near the Universit University y staff club. There the sprinklers sprinklers would wake me at 4am, but at least the security guards left me alone. Miraculously, or perhaps not, I finally received a friendly email from a woman in Te Atatu, Caroline. She invited me to stay at her house for a few weeks while I looked for a flat.

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4.

When you become homeless, Work and Income reduces your benefit so thatt yo tha you u don’t don’t have have eno enough ugh money money for lodging lodging of any kind. Soon there there is no bond money left. I had already been loaned a large sum of bond money for the second Auckland flat, had a number of bank and government debts, and was dubious of taking out further loans. Loan repaymen repayments ts from Work and Income are taken out of the benefit, ensuring further hardship. There The re are a myria myriad d of ways ways for the authorit authorities ies to be unh unhelp elpful ful.. The new doctor diagnosised depression and anxiety and recommended a trial of  SSRIs, the drugs which I had discovered did not work about fifteen years earlier ear lier.. The symptoms symptoms of malnutr malnutritio ition, n, stress stress and tortur torturee we were re ign ignore ored. d. The Citizens Advice Bureau told me that single women were not welcome at wome women’s n’s refuges. refuges. It was with immense relief that I moved to Te Atatu. I was paying rent to Caroline, but for once the price was reasonable and I could afford to eat. On the first first few nights, nights, I actuall actually y slept. slept. Carolin Carolinee we went nt overse overseas as for two weeks, wee ks, leaving leaving me the house, house, the computer and the cats. There was major construction work on the road during the day, but I was not actually being tortured. My friend Pauline visited from Wellington. Wellington. Pauline Pauline had completed completed her PhD in Physics at the same time as me, at the University of Canterbury. She now worked as a Physics lecturer at Victoria University, and was therefore a colleague of Richard’s. Richard’s. When I was homeless in Wellingto Wellington n in 2011, one night a week Pauline would take me home to her place, which she shared with her daught daughter er Te Paea. Paea. Now Now we ate lunch lunch togethe togetherr at the cafe cafe in Te Atatu, and because it was a lovely day, walked along Taikata Road to the riv river er.. I trie tried d to tell Pauli Pauline ne that I was was a vi vict ctim im of some some kind kind of human human trafficking, but the idea of her cell phone being used for surveillance was a little too frightening. Besides, I was known to suffer from paranoia. Living Liv ing with Caroli Caroline ne was was not a realist realistic, ic, long long ter term m option, option, althoug although h Work and Income seemed to think so, because they insisted on asking me ho how w many many bedrooms bedrooms were were in Caroli Caroline’ ne’ss house. house. I tol told d them them to mind mind their their own business. I started looking at rentals in Te Atatu, which was a relatively peaceful suburb, within a bus ride to the city. After being turned down again, and emailing the real estate agent in utter utt er desperatio desperation, n, the agent agent promis promised ed to help help me. I was was posi positiv tivee about about living in Te Atatu, and now I was being rewarded for it. The agent found me a place at the northern end of Te Atatu Rd. Remarkably abl y, the one bedroom bedroom house house exactly exactly met my specific specificatio ations. ns. It was was sta stand nd alone, and there was a large pohutuka pohutukawa wa tree in the garden. The small deck at the front offered a little outdoor privacy, rare in a cheap rental. Although I was nervous about the neighbours, neighbours, especially the man to the south, I could

15

 

not refuse this only option. The landlords, a young couple, came around to meet me. The man told me that it was important for me to pay my rent on time. They did not want any problems. I signed the lease and moved in. Holdin Hol dingg the lease unleashe unleashed d anothe anotherr fit of parano paranoia. ia. Ev Every ery bit of fine print pri nt was a threat threat.. What What if the place was overr overrun un by pests. What What about about surve sur veilla illance nce.. I cut the phone cables cables under the house. house. I cle cleare ared d away away any piece pie ce of junk junk that could could resonate resonate in the slightes slightestt breeze breeze.. I lear learned ned not to turn tur n on the bedroom bedroom light light because because of the noises noises it made. I was going to make this work. This was home. After Aft er a we week, ek, my Work Work and Income Income benefit, benefit, which which covere covered d the rent, was cut off without warning. warning. Apparentl Apparently y I had been sent a letter, letter, while at Caroline’s house, but it had not arrived. In a terrible state, suffering acute stress, I went to the medical centre in Te Atatu. The doctor handed me over to the nurse and phoned the hospital. A psychiatrist psychiatrist showed showed up. He pointed out that my mind was overre overreacting acting to the circumstanc circumstances, es, whatever whatever they may be. With a history history of psychosis psychosis,, I was proscribed Risperidone, and not a small dose. The doctor made sure that Work and Income paid my rent. Each night for a while the Mental Health people would come over to the house with the medication. They like to make sure you take it. Risperidone Risper idone certainly does relieve relieve anxiety anxiety, because it lobotomises lobotomises the brain. bra in. It took five months months for me to figure figure out that I was was no lon longer ger doing doing an any y mathem mathematic atics. s. I would would sit at the beautiful beautiful antique antique desk in the garage, garage, staring at a page, relatively calm. Then, after an hour or two, I would sigh. Why bother. It was not important. This desk, along with a second hand queen bed and the vacuum cleaner that did not work, had been acquired with another large, unplanned Work and Income loan. The Mental Mental Health people had referred referred me to a community trust, which assigned me a lovely helper named Emma, who took me shopping shopp ing for a new bed. I lay happily on many soft, clean mattresses, mattresses, and we ended ended up with a pile pile of quotes quotes.. There There was a hint hint that that the trust trust might might ac actu tual ally ly buy me someth something ing.. Yet et,, in the end, end, we simpl simply y had had to go to an expensive, Work and Income approved, second hand dealer. I was given two flimsy folding chairs, and it would be two more years before I bought a chair I could sit in. Te Atatu Atatu quickly quickly became became fam familia iliar. r. Once Once a we week ek I carrie carried d a hea heavy vy bag of laundr laundry y severa severall blocks blocks down to the shops. shops. The duvet duvet was was wa washe shed d onl only y oncee in three yea onc years. rs. The Te Te Atatu Atatu publ public ic library library was was located located in a small small temporary office, and one had to be there early to catch computer time. These computers, which were a last resort for the poor, appeared to have no security whatsoever. There were regular website blockages and bizarre error messages, like the one on my bank’s homepage, which said that if I didn’t like this page there were were plent plenty y of others. others. Some days I could not open the browse bro wser, r, or not log on at all. I observ observed ed other people, people, espe especia cially lly wome women, n, 16

 

having similar difficulties. My limited internet dose was spent at sites like Peacepink, a collective of anti mind control control and anti torture torture heretic heretics. s. The forums forums there were were a strange stran ge blend of schizoph schizophrenia, renia, psychosis, psychosis, politics, politics, stupidity stupidity and trolling. trolling. The website, which was hosted by a woman in China who had been tortured by the Americans, informed me that one day a wise Queen of the South would wo uld arise arise to fight the Devil Devil.. Crack Crackpot pot Centra Central. l. As with other other online online forums, after I joined there was a notable rise in the number of misogynist comments and requests for money. I really did not want to know what kind of troll objected to protests against torture. There were monthly meetings with the mental health nurse, who sometimes took me out to lunch, lunch, telling me I was a nice person. Unfortunate Unfortunately ly,, this nurse was nothing like the Maori nurse from Central Otago, who had understood under stood depression depression and my vocational vocational issues. After two two years years in Auc Auckkland, I would would eventually eventually learn exactly exactly what their hidden agendas were. were. If  I was was malnour malnourish ished, ed, they they would would cheerf cheerfully ully give give me vitami vitamin n tablets tablets.. If I wanted wan ted more money, money, they said I could always always work. If I needed needed help with Work and Income, the situation with Work and Income would get worse. If  I vaguely suggested I was a victim of abuse, they said it was time I learned to deal with my paranoia. After five months I stopped taking the Risperidone, and was instead given giv en new anti-de anti-depre pressa ssant ntss and sleeping sleeping tablets. tablets. This This actuall actually y led to an impro imp rove vemen mentt in cognitiv cognitivee fun functi ction. on. By early 2015, I cou could ld almost almost read properl pro perly y. I even though thoughtt I could could live again. again. I found time to study. study. There There was a lot to relearn. Oncee agai Onc again, n, I was was readin readingg ph physi ysics, cs, mathem mathematic aticss and astro astroph physi ysics. cs. I introduced intr oduced myself to a stellar stellar astrophys astrophysicist icist at the university university,, named JJ. I fin final ally ly fo foun und d th thee co cour urag agee to go to se semi mina nars rs.. I polite politely ly ask asked Rich Richar ard d Easther if I could go to the public weekly Physics colloquium, guessing that not everybody is entirely welcome. The male neighbour to the south, who lived in a shed that was very close to my house, liked to listen to the radio, very late at night and early in the mornin mor ning. g. During During the day, day, for a few days days only and only only an hour or two at a time, I tri tried ed to block block out the noise noise with my own music. music. This This did not go do down wn well. After After that, he never never gave gave up turni turning ng the radio radio up loud, loud, in the mi midd ddle le of the night. night. I put put up with with it it.. I know know he had decid decided ed that that I was was a bad woman, clearly deserving punishment, because he said so loudly to the man who mowed my lawn. We never spoke to each other. Occasionally, when I saw him on the street, I would cross to the other side of the road. I could never sit in my garden without the horror of him watching me. I would sit there under the pohutukawa tree once every two weeks, for five minutes, after I raked the lawn. I would never ignore anyone at the University, an institution in which I still still had blind faith. faith. Some Some peop people le probab probably ly thought thought I did, did, because because often often 17

 

I don’t don’t notice what what is going on around around me. Or I might might not see them until until they have walked past, at which point I figure they don’t want to say hello to the mad woman. It did not matter. I could comfortably wander amongst a crowd of students students.. Conscious Conscious of mental mental disorientation, disorientation, even in familiar surroundings, I would stick to a few favourite spots near the science building. Each time I passed through Albert Park, I told myself to smile, at the colour col ours, s, the skyline skyline view, the happy happy touris tourists ts and the cle cleve verr sparro sparrows. ws. In order to think straight, straight, I would would cease being angry at myself. myself. I would forgive forgive mysel my self, f, no matter how many many mistak mistakes es I made. made. I starte started d talking talking more to people at the University. Maybe, I could even deal with Mike.

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5.

For over over ten years, Mike’s Mike’s messages messages had been enthus enthusiastic iastic and inforinformativ mat ive. e. He would send suggesti suggestions ons on what what I should should read in Theore Theoretic tical al Physics, telling me that one day I would get the research grant that I so clearly clear ly deserved. deserved. Throughout Throughout years years of bizarre bizarre disruptions disruptions to my internet internet activity, Mike was always there. The original Mike may well have been an authentic colleague, but his mysteriou mys teriouss appearance online was evidence evidence against this hypothesis hypothesis.. I was lonely and willing willing to speak to anyone. anyone. It is hard to discern discern the onset of abuse when there is only one person to talk to, or rather, one internet pseudonym. Whenever I decided it would be wise to give up on Mike, he would send intriguing news, hypnotising bait. Innocen Inn ocent, t, foolish foolish and despera desperate, te, I could could not detect detect the mockery mockery.. My default trusting psyche could not accept the existence of a force so malign. And there were, no doubt deliberately, always two ways to read things, the Devil sitting only on one shoulder. Long before you can fight the Devil, you must learn to see him. In doing this, you lose your innocence forever, and then the Devil’s helpers tell you thatt yo tha you u do not belong belong in their society society because because you are not innocen innocent. t. To be certain certain,, they they will will outwit outwit you every every time. time. They They ha have ve all the resourc resources, es, watc wa tch h yo your ur every every move, move, all the time. time. It takes takes years, years, as the their ir technolog technology y rapidly evolves, for you to accept that this threat is real, not a figment of  your diseased imagination, with regard to which they were probably betting on the timing of your imminent suicide. This Hell is the work work of Man. Alternativ Alternativee theories, such as alien mind control, would not consist of plain after-the-fact responses. Then again, how does one know. know. It takes time to figure figure out that that the private private thought thoughtss yo you u mumbled to yourself in bed may have been picked up by a listening device. After two years in Auckland, with my spirits slowly lifting as I lost myself  again in my work, I finally found the resolve to stop talking to Mike forever. At the time, Mike was promising he would visit me in New Zealand. I told him to leave me alone. I blocked his email address. He immediately emailed me using another, academic, academic, email address. I put the new address through the spam filter. Then I went to the police to report Mike’s name. Life at the University suddenly began to improve. David took me to see Professor Profe ssor O’Brien, then head of the Departmen Departmentt of Mathematics, Mathematics, to discuss discuss my continuin continuingg desire to access access academic journals. journals. The professor professor yelled at me for including apocryphal ideals about Open Online Access for journals in my CV. I agreed to delete anything inconvenient from my CV, since it was merely merely a private private CV, not a political manifesto. I had written written thousands of versions versions of the CV, for countless countless jobs. But later on, wondering wondering how every every small concession might be mistinterpreted as moral submission, I began to

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worry about the hidden agendas in ostensibly private meetings with modern academics. The library library access access issue had been a merrymerry-go-r go-roun ound d for a whi while. le. Over Over Christmas, I had told David not to rush anything, that three months withou outt ar artic ticles les was was no big deal. deal. Exac Exactly tly three three month monthss went went by. by. Then Then the University offered me an Affiliate position, which is really no position at all, because it does not include journal access. Somebody from the library told the Department of Mathematics that academic visitors were not entitled to read read academ academic ic journa journals ls ov over er the long long term. term. Allege Allegedly dly somethin somethingg to do with subscription costs. In response, the University decided to upgrade my visitorr status to Honorary visito Honorary Research Research Fellow Fellow.. Later on, I would would become an Honorary Academic. I receive received d the new offer on the first of Apr April il 2015. The emai emaill said said that I should reply immediately, in a particular manner, accepting all the dubious terms terms and conditio conditions ns attached attached to the contra contract. ct. It did not look quite authentic, so I put off thinking about it until the following week. Psychosis was a problem at this time, especially after the self-altering CV incident on Kerie’s old Mac, which she had given me. There was no offline mode for the Mac, so I threw it into a garbage bin on Te Atatu Rd, happily imagining it being tracked tracked thereafter thereafter to a landfill landfill site. I still had my own internet internet free laptop. Young Karen, who worked in the Mathematics office, was a very competent pete nt woman. woman. She check checked ed her April April 1 emails emails and told me that that the offer I had been sent sent was was authen authentic. tic. Still Still hesitan hesitant, t, and unwillin unwillingg to tru trust st any any emails at all, I went in person with my signature, on a blank page, to the Human Resources Resources Departmen Departmentt further up Symonds Symonds St. And it was there, there, finally, with profound horror, that I finally understood the problems of our time. Nothing could be achieved by going in person. The people in Human Resources were dutifully following the instructions on their computer screens,  just like all the doctors, docto rs, and every kind of employee, employee, had been doing for some time. If there was something something wrong with the contract, contract, they had no power power to alter it. Somebody Somebody else did. Somebody Somebody that they could could only contac contactt by email or phone or website. Somebody like Mike. Invisible Inv isible accountab accountability ility is no accountabilit accountability y at all. I had no idea what forcess were gaining ground here, force here, but they were surely hosti hostile. le. For years I had, to some degree, accepted abuse by the authorities, with a sense of guilt at my inability to work. Until Until now, despite serious illness, illness, I had regular regularly ly applied app lied for jobs. Now, Now, ho howe weve ver, r, a basic basic contract contract with society society had been severed, and not by me. Revolution is a difficult concept to keep in mind when one is forced to fight for surviv survival al alone. alone. If you don’t have have yo your ur allies in view, view, because because someone is actually making sure they don’t talk to you, you are cursed by yourr own private you private battles, all seemingly seemingly futile. Imagine, Imagine, eight billion people 20

 

with deadly, unknown enemies, constantly checking manipulated news feeds on Facebook, Google and Twitter. I had been avoiding resistance, knowing that radicalisation was a standard trolling tactic. Fortunately, I could live without Facebook or blogging. Could everyone else? Oppression was not the rule  Divide and Conquer , but the rule  Isolate and Destroy . Unders Und erstan tandin dingg Hell, Hell, I fel feltt much much better. better. I was was not surpris surprised ed when my library card stopped working and the librarian said that it had expired. Karen Kar en and I we went nt togethe togetherr to the library library in person person to sor sortt it out. out. With With a refreshed outlook, determined to find resilience in the face of daily obstacles, I settled back into the research. Two weeks were spent on a pathetic essay, which I emailed to a competition website. website. On the website forum I was contacted contacted by Mike, who had of  course also submitted his own entry. Mike and I had first met on the Physics Forums in 2005. He had joined the conversations with Carl Brannen, Tony Smith and other smart amateurs, claimin cla imingg himsel himselff to be an Americ American an gradua graduate te studen studentt worki working ng in String String Theory The ory.. Many Many of the excitin excitingg lin links ks that Mike Mike sen sentt me were about String Theory. Although I had no intention of working on this subject, there were mathematical aspects to it that were of interest. This theory had dominated Theoretical Physics for decades, but I had decided against working on it back in 1994, as a PhD student at the University of New South Wales in Sydney Sydn ey.. For the last decade, physicists physicists had been waiting for experiment experimental al confirmation of Strings. The mathematical arguments against String Theory, as a model of particle physics, were quite sensible. The twentieth century formulation of the Standard Model, governing all known matter, had been built by pragmatic theorists without much regard for abstract algebra. Since the 1980s, mathematical physicists had been making steady progress in creating a more consistent consis tent language. language. It was well known known how to unify quantum field theory and three dimensional gravity. Unfortunately, spacetime is four dimensional. Even today, Theoretical Physics is dominated by two opposing social forces: on the one hand, relativistic gravity and a bottoms up approach to quantum physics, phy sics, and on the other, other, Strings. New Zealand had aligned aligned itself mostly with the former camp. I belonged to neither. Feeling at home at last, I developed comforting habits. The Mathematics common room on the fourth floor had a fancy coffee machine, which was cle cleane aned d by the women women from from the office office each morning morning.. I liked to go there there early in the morning, usually choosing a soft chair overlooking Albert Park. Home. Hom e. Time to rel relax ax and think. think. The Facu Facult lty y had myster mysteriou iously sly provid provided ed me with printing funds, so I could read as many journal papers as I wanted. Deteriorating eyesight prevented me from reading much on a monitor. Unpaid labour was, naturally, one of the Devil’s favourite games, especially cia lly since since I had told the powers powers that be that I wa wass not a sla slave ve.. Modern Modern 21

 

universities are particularly skillful at this game, but for the sake of Physics, this would not deter me. I would keep on reading until I starved to death. The Department of Physics took up the sixth and seventh floors, right above abo ve Mathema Mathematic tics. s. Until Until the middle of 2016, I only only went went there there about once a year, to talk to Richard for five minutes. The weekly public Physics colloquium was on the ground floor, so it became a habit to go into the city on a Wednesday, whether or not an email notice for the colloquium had arrived in my inbox. It often happened that the theatre was empty half an hour before the colloquium time slot, and I liked to arrive early, enjoying the space and the silence. It sometimes happened that no email arrived, even when there was a colloqu col loquium ium.. This This seemed seemed to happen happen most most freque frequent ntly ly when when the lecture lecture in question ques tion was related to my own interests interests in Theoretical Theoretical Physic Physics. s. In fact, I was was not getting getting an any y emails emails regard regarding ing profes profession sional al Theore Theoretic tical al Physi Physics, cs, and had not been since late 2009, when I attended my last conference in Australia. One Wednesday, sitting in my favourite seat at the back of the theatre, I was pleased to find out that the colloquium was about cosmology. I decided to ask Lucy in the Physics office, who I had never dared speak to before, aboutt the email abou email notificat notification ion problem problem.. I only spoke to her once. I became irritated, once she had admitted to not sending a notice for the cosmology lecture, although not at her personally, because I now understood perfectly that all the meddling was somebody else’s fault. The Devil might think he had conditioned me further into silence, into proper feminine niceness, but my new resolve to manage the anger came from a genuine improvement in self esteem. On the other hand, I was growing hopelessly weary of Thought Police tactic tac tics. s. It had taken taken years years for me to accept accept its existenc existence, e, years years to comprehen pre hend d the potentials potentials of the technol technology ogy.. I had been observ observing, ing, without without compre com prehen hensio sion. n. When When I had complain complained ed to my mother mother in priv private about the uselessness of community aid, the community aid worker had suddenly stopped visiting. When I had mumbled some random fact to myself near a celll phone at home, it had appeare cel appeared d an hour hour later on my radio news. news. The Internet of All Things was impossible to avoid. Paranoia about eavesdropping bugs in my lounge room had become a relatively trivial problem. The mental health nurse, who rapidly assimilated the latest popular news, told me that only certain cell phones are susceptible to hacking. Unfortunately, physics told me otherwise. Two years earlier, the mere mention of surveillance would have prompted a diagnosis of sick persecutory beliefs, but the health people seemed to forget all previous misdiagnoses. Despite occasional hallucinations, my sleep patterns had improved. These things were were never discussed discussed in detail with the doctor. Visiting Visiting the Te Atatu medical centre was a major financial ordeal. 22

 

First, one had to make an appointment, with both the doctor and with Work and Income. Income. At the Wo Work rk and Income Income meeting, meeting, which was at the Henderson office, the administrator would authorise a loan to pay for the doctor’ doct or’ss appoint appointmen ment. t. One would would then then return return to the doctor’s doctor’s surger surgery y, at a different time to the other appointment, to make the payment with the Work and Income Income credit credit card. card. If the surgery surgery decides decides to add add,, say say, a late payment fee, the Work and Income funds will not cover the medical bill. Work and Income are supposed to be funding medical costs through the weekly wee kly benefit. Howeve However, r, even if you write out your impossible budget budget for them fifty times, with additional additional notes regarding unmet needs, they will tell yo you u that all yo you u will get is power, power, food and a roof. roof. Of course, course, you don’t don’t actually have anywhere near enough power or food, and the roof leaks, but the people at Work and Income are determined to believe that New Zealand is a great country just the way it is.

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6.

The upward spiralling insomnia was fed by a cocktail of resignation, the old poverty driven depression, and a growing existential horror at the erasure of the past. For years, I had allowed the icy moonlight into the house truck bunk, when a few cotton rags could have curtained the windows. Every few seconds, all night long, I would twist my angular body about on the thin matress, matres s, groping groping at the synthetic synthetic layers layers of insulation. insulation. Nighttime Nighttime comfort was a vision of my truest friend, a skeletal, hooded Death, who would wrap his arms around around me and bid me be still. The idea of sleep was filling filling me with fear, because it could only come with those ill nightmares that lie beneath all other thoughts. thoughts. In surges of horror, horror, I would would scream to block out the pain. A solitary, malnourished mind will have the same mundane, but necessary, conversations with itself, over and over again. Thus whole lifetimes are wasted. Before Bef ore Te At Atatu atu,, periods periods of severe severe malnutri malnutrition tion had lasted lasted we weeks eks or months, mon ths, and my youth had carried carried me through through it. This time it would last for three years. years. I was not yet aware aware of the full burden of guilt, which fuels the self blame and the hopelessness. hopelessness. Yes, I had once eaten well, while others had not. Yes, I had even eaten well knowing knowing the experience of starvation, starvation, feeling guilty that I was still alive. But no, the Thought Police would never tr trai ain n me to th thro row w small small chang hangee at beggar beggars, s, no matt matter er how how ofte often n I was was punished. punis hed. Because Because that degree of cooperatio coop eration n was across the line, beyo b eyond nd the acceptable level of submission, in the place where the Devil could claim your soul forever. I realised that there must be other people who were concerned about this demolition demoli tion of freedom, freedom, this encroachmen encroachmentt of subver subversiv sivee manipulation manipulation.. But in my sphere, they remained silent. silent. Some entity entity was preventing preventing me from bumping into like minded comrades, who may have provided some social support. At least, it was easier to accept that explanation than the alternative: that everyone had succumbed, albeit unwittingly, to fear. Paranoia is the more optimistic option. As both a New Zealander and an Australian, I had won the citizenship lottery lotter y at birth. My fundamental fundamental needs needs - plentiful plentiful water, water, food and space could be viewed as greed, even as I lurked perpetually at the bottom of the ladder. Thousands of job applications had been written and posted, or filled out online. I understood the pointlessness of it. No salaried position, a privilege of success, would be given to the insane, who are apparently permanently incompe inc ompeten tent. t. The Though Thoughtt Po Polic licee wo would uld only only reward reward compromis compromises es that went across the line. I knew this for a fact, because after years of silence or rejection, I suddenly received interest in my online application for further postgraduate study, in Education. There were emails and snail mail letters

24

 

from the tertiary tertiary institution. institution. Clearly, in my late forties, having spent most of my adult life as a working postgraduate postgrad uate student, student, I was still somehow somehow unqualified unqualified to work. work. Clearly Clearly, I was meant to go even further into debt before I was permitted to teach. Perhaps I could keep borrowing money until I reached retirement age. I owe no money to individuals. Only the bank and the government. Only ten thousand dollars in total, a trifle for many people I know, but enough to kill a beneficiary beneficiary.. Over Over my lifetime, I had been gifted small amounts amounts of  money here and there, but never anything substantial. If I was not going to buy a house, which was quite impossible, or to raise a family, supposedly I did not need money. A proper Kiwi woman my age should be working hard to support support others. others. I should should know know my place. place. I learned learned when when I was younger younger what a woman’s place was. Unfortunately, I was now something infinitely worse than a person who did did no nott know know their their place. place. I was was a poor Kiwi woman woman who dema demand nded ed the highest male privilege, a misfit who insisted on human rights, a nobody thatt knew tha knew a little little too much much.. My very very existe existence nce was a consta constant nt affront affront to that greatest of all myths, that the undeserving poor are uneducated and ignorant. Budget advisors, who have not gone hungry one single day in their lives, will teach you how to purchase groceries with only thirty dollars a week. Your mental health nurse will encourage you to visit an advisor, and then laugh when you protest at the likely consequence of a fall in your credit rating, as if that would be funny. You are given the option of self improvement through throu gh adult education education or counselling counselling sessions. sessions. A considerable considerable fraction of  the country’s health budget appears to be spent on the kind of occupational therapy where a master of prejudice will teach you how to calm your faulty mind and feel gratitude for what you have. As in Wanak anaka, in Te At Atatu atu they offere offered d me ever every y altern alternativ ative. e. In the beginning, a local community trust person would pick me up once a week and drive me into the city, to the University library. Unfortunately, because it was quite a long drive, they had to sit in the car and wait, and so I only onl y had an hour to browse browse journals journals and books. There There was no time to do anything else. On a bad day, I would be gripped by the terror of being unable to read. On a good day, I could manage a paragraph or two, although I would print hu hundr ndreds eds of pages pages to skim skim read. read. It was was an impossible impossible way to do science. science. But I had to believe I could improve. As I had discovered a thousand times before, decades ago, this was what I lived for. Mike had made it clear that I could never expect recognition for my work. wo rk. Whenev Whenever er I perked perked up a bit, bit, and wrote wrote a litt little, le, the result resultss wo would uld dissolve dissol ve in a puff of opaque opaque hostility hostility.. Like Like countless countless generations generations before me, I had resolved to donate all future work to my worst enemies, without ever publishing again. If that was the only way I could do science, so be it. 25

 

7.

Pauline and Te Paea Pauline Paea came to Te Atatu while on a Physics Physics road trip. I almost missed them, because it was hard to hear knocking on the door when rolled up in my blankets on the bed. We all went to a motel in Orewa, where we ate noodles and walked on the deserted beach. The next day I had steak for lunch, and we saw a sci fi film. Pleasant outings like this had been normal for me when I was younger, but were now very rare. Somehow Pauline and I never got around to talking about physics, and I suspected that people in general were keen to avoid the subject. Even my friends Kerie and Allan, in Wanaka, had mostly stopped talking to me about sci scienc ence. e. Other Other people people seemed seemed to think think that that my life’s life’s work work was was wo worth rthles less, s, now that the Higgs boson had been discovered. In fact, the discovery of the Higgs boson at CERN was a final confirmation of the Standard Model of particle physics, which was largely developed in the 1970s, before I began studying studying science. science. Of more direct relevance relevance to modern theories was the   non   discovery of other particles at CERN. I had blogged about countless crazy theoretical ideas, most of which turned out to be wrong, but my actual work had always focused on this non existence of extra stuff. And now there were followers out there who hated me not for having been wrong, but for having been right. I was in continu continual al torment, torment, filled with remorse remorse for all my mistakes. mistakes. Of  course, the old mountain accidents had been all my fault. Of course, it had been a mistake to write papers in 2004 and 2009, when I did not know what I was doing. Now the world was saying, ”Forget your career. You had your ch chanc ance”, e”, and my mind tended tended to agree. agree. Who was was I to argue. argue. How How could such a fragmented mind possibly persist with such an analytic endeavour. In the final year back in Wanaka, a local person would drive me to Dunsta Dun stan n to see the psycholo psychologis gist. t. They They tried everyt everythin hing. g. They They gave me meditat med itation ion lessons. lessons. They They sugges suggested ted joining joining a club, club, for walking walking or golf or bridge. They said I could meet other scientists in Wanaka. They made sure I ate enough. But I was inconsolable. inconsolable. Physics Physics was my my vocation, vocation, and I had already alread y given up everything everything else for it. People People had been pushing me away from Physics since the 1980s, but I had always come back. In 2012 I watched the Higgs discovery lecture live, in Kerie and Allan’s study stu dy,, late at night. night. Kerie Kerie had to ask me to turn turn the volume volume down. down. DurDuring the day I would would walk walk miles with Tasm Tasman an the border collie. collie. Used Used to being alone, I would mutter constantly to myself, sometimes exclaiming an interesting fact about physics out loud, for Tasman’s benefit. As you age, you discover your greatest fears. I was not afraid of further madness madne ss or death. death. I was not afraid of forgetting forgetting certain mathematical mathematical details, which which could easily be learned learned again. Yet I was absolutely absolutely terrified terrified of 

26

 

losing the ability to see my work intu intuitive itively ly.. I saw, with num numbing bing horror, horror, the disturbing possibility that my subconscious motivations might change, against my will. If I was forced to fight for the right  to think , science would become a battlefield rather than a playground. Rent for the house in Te Atatu took up two thirds of my weekly benefit. Other essential expenses, that were not at any time accounted for by Work and Income, included utilities, laundry, debt repayments and lawn mowing. The luxury that maintained a little sanity was a cup of coffee at the Te Atatu Ata tu cafe, where I could sit and do the Herald crossword crossword.. I was left with around aroun d twenty twenty dollars a week for groceries. groceries. After spending spending ten dollars dollars on toilet paper, or toothpaste or sanitary napkins, there would be ten dollars left for food. On a good week, I would buy one fresh vegetable, but the food budgett mostly went on bread and canned soup. No dairy and no fresh budge fresh meat. Bread Bre ad costs one dollar dollar a loaf. loaf. Modern Modern malnutri malnutrition tion is we well ll hidden hidden beneath nea th the cloak cloak of obesit obesity y, a diet diet of bread and sugar. sugar. Rice Rice is relative relatively ly expensive, and one has to factor in the cost of cooking. There is zero room for error. error. If you forget forget to buy the toilet toilet paper paper one week, week, you could easily easily become homeless the next. Although the fear of starvation had left me long ago, there remained many man y animal animal fears lurking lurking in the depths depths of my mind. mind. It would take take three three ye years ars in Te Atatu Atatu before I began began to ov overc ercome ome them. them. I had been racing racing to the supermarket every pay day, loading my shopping bags with the bread and soup. soup. The finest finest consol consolatio ation n of those those days days was the sight sight of one food shelf filled filled with cans. If I had wasted wasted money on sweet biscuits, biscuits, a sure calorie winner, the whole packet would be eaten within an hour. Then one day, when life at the University showed a vague promise, I sa saw w ho how w afraid afraid I was was of the empty empty cupboard. cupboard. This This emp emptine tiness ss symbolis symbolised ed precisely its opposite: the bulging kitchens of everyone else I knew. In New Zealand, Zealan d, people said that no one had an empty empty cupboard. Even Even the other beneficiaries benefic iaries I had met did not have empty empty cupboards. For a life time, I had been complicit in this deceit, often pretending that everything was all right. I started telling the truth, and instead of cowering at the vitriolic respons spo nse, e, I gr grew ew stron stronge ger. r. I woul would d no longer longer be afra afraid id of my cupbo cupboar ard. d. I would wo uld no longer longer be racke racked d by guilt guilt every every time I we went nt out for a meal. meal. Yes, the world was dying, but I did not hold the sole burden of responsibility. Instead of buying the canned soup, I starting buying a single wholesome meal from a local Chinese take take away. away. When the vitamin tablets ran out, I merely merel y shrugged my shoulders. shoulders. Great Great for morale, morale, dreadful dreadful for my health. Now I was eating well one day a week, and nothing at all of nutritional value on the other six.

27

 

8.

On the top storey, the soft dark red carpet extended from the central hall up a few stairs to the loungeroom, where rusty pink leather sofas with wide arms sat near an expensive expensive stereo system. system. A large collection of CDs, mostly classical music, lined the wall. The french doors in the lounge opened onto a pleasant pleasant balcony with harbour views. Also on the top level there was a dining dining room, ele elegan gantly tly furnishe furnished d in a Chinese Chinese style, style, a small small librar library y, a bathroom, bathr oom, and a spacious spacious kitchen with a stunning stunning glass top breakfast breakfast table. The house was very private due to the steep cliffside on which it was built, and one could climb a set of stone stairs up the cliff from the courtyard. On the main level, the hallway wound around to a secretive master bedroom with ensuite bathroom. There were two additional bedrooms, a large guest bathroom, bathroom, a laundry, laundry, a third shower shower and a sauna. The garage downstairs contained a heavy wooden billiards table, and there was an unused dumb waiter shaft extending upwards into the pantry. This is the house I lived in with my partner twenty years ago, in the inner eastern suburbs of Sydney. Only the two of us in the house, which my partner considered barely adequate. Before moving here from my two bedroom rental, which I had shared with a university friend, I had often protested that a large house would be far too much much trouble. A small apartment apartment was all I needed. My partner bought the house he wanted. I knew exactly what I was up against, since my mother had insisted on me helping helping with the housework housework at home, from a young age. Australian Australian Pakeha women at the time were so horrified by the elitist concept of hiring a cleaner that the entire subject was taboo. Most households households traditionally traditionally relied on a single income, leaving the wife and daughters with ample time to cook, clean, clean, sew, sew, polish, polish, do the gardeni gardening ng and tidy up. My sister sister and I also took weekly private ballet and music lessons, while my brother played soccer and followed my father around his workshop. It was a short walk from the family house in Balgowlah to the harbourside beaches. beaches. On weekends weekends or holidays we would go away, away, either with the caravan or a set of canvas tents, unless we were visiting our holiday house on the north coast or the ski lodge in Perisher Valley. Our thirty foot timber launch was moored close to home, and accessed with a dinghy from the closest beach. My father loved to fish, and the large plastic garbage bin on the boat was often filled up with snapper and kingfish. There was no such such thing as a quota for anything. anything. On our travels travels we ate barramund barramundi, i, prawns, or freshly shucked Pacific oysters from the saleyards along the coast. Every day there was meat or fish for dinner, accompanied by three different vegetable vegetabless or a fresh garden salad. In the mornings, our mother would serve us breakfast in the kitchen, usually an egg and toast with orange juice, followed by cereal.

28

 

Sometimes all three siblings would accompany our mother on her shopping trips, so that we could help lug the purchases back home. As a 1930s child, my mother hated to create waste, but consumerism carried an unav avoid oidable able level level of decade decadence nce.. It was a hot climate, climate, and what what the guests guests did not finish had to be thrown thrown out. Butter Butter,, ch chees eesee and eggs were alw alway ayss kept in the fridge, which usually overflowed with sauces, soft drinks, meat and left over salads. salads. There was a pantry stuffed full of co cooking oking essentials: essentials: flour, sugar, cereals, spices, dried fruit, nuts, dyes, woks, cake tins and kebab skewers. In the summer our father would light up his hand built granite barbeque, which sat in the front courtyard next to the fern garden. When there were visitor vis itors, s, we had steak steak and sausag sausages es and kebab kebabs, s, or gar garlic lic praw prawns. ns. It was was the man’s job to fetch ice from the shop, to keep cool a wide array of beers, wine and soft drinks, when space in the fridges ran out. It was the women’s  job to prepare all the food and mind the guests. If the guests remained a little longer than expected, for a special occasion, my mother would think nothing of whipping up a few dozen extra hamburgers in the kitchen. Wary of giving us too much sugar, my mother would permit only one trip a week to the local dairy for sweets, but most nights there was a dessert with dinner, dinner, which which we invariabl invariably y ate together together at the dining table. The oak sideboard sideboar d hid all the traditional traditional colonial necessities necessities:: the ubiquitous ubiquitous bone cutlery, a white lace tablecloth, generous linen napkins held in silver rings, wine and whisky glasses, and a range of ash trays. After a particularly dirty outing we would come home and shower in the laundry bathroom downstairs, since my mother was always trying to keep the centre centre of the house sparkling, sparkling, in case someone someone arrived. arrived. On a hot day day,, or if there were tents to be cleaned, the garden hose would be turned on, spewing out arbitrary quantities of clear, clean water. I loved the infinite variety of greys in the thunder clouds, and the fixed bright blue of a fine sky. In the bush, we laughed at the screeching cockatoos, kookaburras and galahs. My mother, who was Pakeha, was careful to warn us about the spider spiders, s, snake snakess and crocodile crocodiles. s. A large large blue tongue tongued d lizard lizard resided in our garden, appreciating the natives that my mother had planted. In New South Wales, there was an effectively infinite amount of coal to provide power, power, whic which h was sold cheaply cheaply by a governme government nt authority authority. My father, fathe r, like most men, was expected to collect all manner of gadgets gadgets.. He was an automotive automotive and marine mechanic. mechanic. He studied plumbing plumbing and welding. welding. He bought a chainsaw, to chop wood for the open fire in the main loungeroom. He learne learned d to polish polish gemsto gemstones nes,, which which we found found on fossic fossickin kingg tri trips ps out west, wes t, and to make silver silver jewelry for my mother. Huge piles of unidentifi unidentifiable able antique tools were stashed in the empty spaces created by the hill underneath the sandstone foundations. Most children played sport on the fields near the schools, but I was so hopeless at team games that I was not even expected to complete compulsory 29

 

exercises. Even in gymnastics, the coach found it very hard to coax me just once over the parallel bars, and the vault was entirely out of the question. In general, I was a clumsy nerd. My ex partner and I also liked to have people to dinner. Since I did not need to pay for rent or utilities, and my health was excellent, the bulk of  my own income was spent on groceries, often from the extravagant food hall in David Jones on Pitt St. I would wander for hours around the city stores looking for arbitrary house warming, birthday and Christmas gifts. I had everything that anyone could possibly want, except the one thing thatt mattered: tha mattered: a job in Physic Physics. s. All I looked looked forward forward to were the skiing skiing holida hol idays ys and trips to the bush. bush. Move Movemen mentt feeds feeds the mind. Nature Nature calms calms the soul. The land holds your memory.

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9.

In early 2015 a fragile fragile stability reigned. reigned. My books were were neatly aligned on the kitchen bookshelf, and piles of research papers were strewn over the lounge room floor. All summer, monarch butterflies swooped about the swan tree by the entrance. entrance. After I told the door knockers knockers to go away, away, and there was one visit from Kerie, my only occasional visitor was the mental health nurse. In April there was a mathematics seminar about Theoretical Physics. Whenever there was an event that had the potential to alleviate my solitude, I would have fits of anxiety about missing it. Perhaps the buses would stop running. runn ing. All right then, I could walk to another suburb and find alternativ alternativee transport. trans port. Perhaps Perhaps the seminar room would be altered altered,, and I would have have no way of finding finding out about about it. Pe Perha rhaps ps I would would accide accident ntally ally mess up my impossible budget the day before. Whatever happened, I would arrive hours in advance, just in case, feeling heroic for not bivying out in the bushes overnight. To my amazement, amazement, this particular seminar went went ahead. ahead. It turned out to be the craziest seminar I have ever attended at a university, even including the ones I used to give at the University of Canterbury. With our dedication to quantum gravity in common, I was very happy to meet the speaker, Rob Wilson. Over the next few weeks, to my utter astonishment, I would spend hours at a time talking to him about the Dirac equation, which lies at the foundation of the Standard Model of particle physics. Onee day On day Rob Rob and and I wen entt out out to grab grab a qu quic ick k lu lunc nch. h. I saw saw th that at he lef leftt his office holding holding only the office key, key, and it made made me sigh. Every Every day day since 2010, excepting a week or two in Wanaka, I had carried my old laptop and valuables with me everywhere. Modern laptops may be far lighter, but could never never host a supposedly supposedly reliable, reliable, internet internet free operating system. system. My version of Windows had obviously been corrupted years ago, most notably with my loss of administrator control and the CD drive, but working offline permanently meant that I could ignore all the security warning messages, and also ignore the less conventional intrusions that were no doubt occuring. Since flicking that switch, the laptop had never crashed. Rob Wilson Wilson soon left New Zealand, Zealand, and I happil happily y resume resumed d studyi studying ng alone. alon e. There There we were re no now w reg regula ular, r, in inter terest esting ing lec lectur tures es to atte attend, nd, often often with free free food. I would would not permit mysel myselff to go along for the food alone, alone, but when it was available it greatly improved my diet. This unexpected progress came to an abrupt end in June. On a Saturday morning I walked down to the Te Atatu shops, where the ATM machine swallo swallowe wed d my eftpos card. card. Havin Havingg no money money on me at all, I panic panicke ked. d. I turned tur nedhotline to a man nearby nearby and In asked asktears, ed if II dialled could could borrow borro cell phone. ne. final The bank was unavailable. 111, w forhis thecellpho third and

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time. As I spoke time. spoke to the police police call centre, centre, on the borrow borrowed ed phone, phone, there there was in the background background an unmistak unmistakable able sound: Machiav Machiavellian ellian laughter laughter at my fear. I was convinced now, not only that my bank account had been deliberately targeted, but that someone had digital access to all phone calls that occured occu red near my location, location, in real time. time. In 2015, this idea would would sti still ll ha have ve been regarded regarded as insanity. insanity. By 2016, it was completely completely normal. normal. They say it takes twenty or thirty people to carry out full surveillance on a target, but with this interconnected technology, only a few people are sufficient. On the Monday morning I walked miles to the bank’s premises in Henderson ders on on an empty stomach. stomach. All week weekend end I had been gripped by the fear that Friday’s automatic rental payment had not been paid. The lady at the bank assured me that everything was all right, although somebody really had attempted to withdraw funds on the previous Thursday, just before the rent was due. I woul would d ha hav ve to ge gett us used ed to th this is co con ntinua tinuall hack hackin ingg of my li life fe.. I had had already reported various problems, to pretty much every known agency or authority in the country, without any response. The psychologis psychologistt told me there was was a cosmology cosmology group in Auckland. Auckland. I told her I knew. This prompted prompted me to search for upcoming Auckland Auckland events events that might be of interest. interest. In December, December, the Departmen Departmentt of Phy Physics sics was to host a conference conference on Quantum Quantum Information Information,, close to my line of research research.. All I needed was funds to cover cover the registration. registration. The days of free entry for all interested intellectuals were over. I set up a page on the Kickstarter funding website, claiming correctly, albeit mischievously, to be one of New Zealand’s leading scientists working on the categorical mathematics of quantum information (I might be the only onl y one). one). Soon afterwa afterwards rds I receiv received ed a let letter ter from the Ministr Ministry y of Social Development, via Work and Income, requesting a check of my disability status. They asked me to return the enclosed form. Nowadays it is very difficult for radical nonentities to fill out forms. You try hard to ignore the eyes of the Thought Police, but you instinctively flinch at the upcoming punishment. They especially like forms that include questions ques tions regarding regarding your circumstanc circumstances es in the future. They will scour every every remark remar k you make. Despair Despair about your your future cements cements your fate, because they will do whatever you say. A negative prediction will come true, and it is your fault for wishing it. A positive prediction will be called out as a lie, and you are the liar. The world was much simpler when I was only talking to Mike. I walked all the way to the mental health building in Henderson with the form, form, which which require required d input input from the psychiat psychiatris rist. t. They They ins insist isted ed on taking tak ing the form off me, withou withoutt an immedi immediate ate respons response. e. I have have no idea idea whatt happened wha happened to it. I suggeste suggested d to the nurse nurse that that it might might be a hoax, so perhaps it became a hoax. 32

 

On my Kickstarter page there was room for updates, so I joked that my conference plans were coming along nicely except for the dangers of corrupt psychiatrists. The nurse came to see me and she said she was very worried about my depress depression ion.. The psychia psychiatri trist st decided decided once once again again to put me on antiantipsychotics psyc hotics.. I refused. They pointed pointed out that I had only tried Risperidone, Risperidone, and the Olanzapine might work differently on my brain. I was dubious. They invoked the Mental Health Act, under which it was compulsory for me to take Olanzapine as per the doctor’s instructions. I glimpsed the mandatory lawyer for a moment, but it turns out they won’t help much once you have taken the first few pills. In order to enforce the Olanzapine dose over several weeks, I was admitted to hospital. In truth, I was about to die from starvation, not psychosis or paranoia. I pointed this out to the resident doctor. They fed me well. When I managed to check the Kickstarter page, the funding target had miraculously been met. If you have many enemies, some times you also have many friends. After I left the hospital, where there is a chronic shortage of beds, I slowly weaned wean ed myself off the Olanzapine Olanzapine without telling the psychiatrist psychiatrist.. At the hospital, I had been introduced to the District Inspector for Mental Health. Her responsibility, as a lawyer, is to check up on the views of patients under enforc enf orced ed care. I ha have ve not spoken spoken to her since, since, although although later on I would would receive recei ve emails from her sugges suggesting ting that I visit her office in Ponsonby Ponsonby.. This I never did, having learned the hard way that traipsing around the city on expensive buses, to meetings that would go nowhere, was just one more way for the Thought Police to amuse themselves. As anticipated, anticipated, the drugs had altered my thinking. My brain no longer cared at all about the mathematics of quantum information, although I was no now w committ committed ed to a confer conferenc encee pape paperr in tw twoo month’ month’ss time. time. This This wa wass yet yet another opportunity to discredit my younger self. The depression got worse, as I carefully watched my brain flail around for its mathematics connections. I did write the paper, but it was dreadful, like almost everything I had done for the last ten years. Just before the conference, over one sleepless night, the mathematics starte sta rted d coming coming back. back. Maybe Maybe I could could be happy happy again. again. But it was getting getting harder and harder to believe that recovery was possible. At the conference dinner I sat next to Cris Calude from the Computer Science department. Professor Calude works on quantum mechanics, so we agreed agree d to meet at a later date to discuss the Kochen-Speck Kochen-Specker er theorem. theorem. He has a local collaborator and there was also a visiting professor from Austria. The four of us, me and three European European men, went out to lunch. Determined Determined to contribute to life at the University, and conscious that I knew none of them personally, I mostly ignored their negative views on positive discrimination in science. 33

 

It had not escaped my attention that the University of Auckland had a divers diversity ity problem. problem. Followin ollowingg old traditi traditions ons,, New Zealander Zealanderss prefer prefer to recognise academic qualifications from far away places, especially from universities filled with white people from the Northern hemisphere. I was told that the University loved its Maori staff, but as far as I could tell, there was only onl y one in Mathem Mathematic aticss and one in Physics Physics.. There There were very very few Maori Maori students in science, and most of them were hidden in the tuakana rooms in the basement. The problem was that I could be hated both for being white and for not being white. This was not an imaginary problem. During my last bout of homelessness, doing my best to forget the harassment at the hostels, I had vowed to carry on trusting my fellow human beings. One day a Pakeha woman promised to give me a place to stay. But first she wanted to talk. She drove me to a completely unfamiliar part of Auckland, and despite myself  I was was su sudd dden enly ly af afra raid id for for my life. life. I nodde nodded d du dumb mbly ly as she she comp compla lain ined ed about the lack of educational achievement amongst Maori and the problem of autistic children. The promised accommodation lost its appeal. At that time I was was sti still ll in denial denial about the exten extentt of surveil surveillanc lance. e. Or at least, in denial denial about surveill surveillanc ancee as a medium medium for abuse. abuse. As a Pa Pake keha ha Australian woman, I was bound to say, unintentionally, some things that are offensive offens ive.. On the other hand, I was tangata whenua, whenua, and quite capable of  taking personal offense against European sensibilities sensibilities.. Whichev Whichever er way the cards fell, there was bound to be a listening device and a camera. Every remark that you make, even in private, can be taken out of context. That this actually happened, happened, I did not discover discover from Facebook, Facebook, but from observing a disconcerting rise in the number of strangers who randomly stopped me to say how much they hated the Maori or the Chinese or Australians. It is difficult to fight off despair when such events define the majority of one’s interactions with other human beings. During the early years of blogging, before all the trolling and baiting, I had made many friends online. Carl Brannen and I had been collaborating on a paper about quark and neutrino mixing matrices. What started out as an interesting piece of work, quickly turned into a fiasco. fiasco. There There would would be no chance chance of recov recovery ery until until I could could detec detectt the concrete concr ete presence presence of malign manipulation manipulation,, until until I could see the proliferatio proliferation n of brainwashing methods, until I could forgive myself for my own stupidity. Sanity no longer rests on the ordinary delusions of the world, but on an ongoing effort to rewire the mind around unworkable blanks. Initially, the easiest evil to see was the coercion towards Silence. Fighting Silence, I carried on blogging long after my mind had wandered from abstractions into fury. Later on, the mental health nurse would acknowledge this reign of Silencing, Silencin g, telling me that it was not our problem. problem. I asked her whose problem it was. After a few meetings with Cris Calude, in his spacious and comfortable 34

 

office at the University, he suggested that I take on a graduate student as a co-supervi co-supervisor sor.. Nothin Nothingg could could have have made me happie happier. r. But the studen studentt never appeared, and so I did my best to forget about Cris Calude and the Kocken-Specker theorem. Then one Thursday at the monthly Mathematics morning tea, with its platters of muffins and fresh fruit, I met Professor John Butcher. A past head of department, John was old enough to presume that academia was about free thinking. thinking. He was also an expert in the numerical numerical algebraic technique techniquess used use d in modern modern Quant Quantum um Field Field Theory Theory.. Althou Although gh I was was unfami unfamiliar liar with his work, the algebraic techniques were of great interest to me, and so we immedi imm ediate ately ly agreed agreed to start start a works workshop hop on the subject. subject. This This was was eas easily ily arranged, since John knew a number of local researchers, academics and students.

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10.

There was There was appro approxim ximate ately ly one particl particlee ph physi ysicis cistt at the Unive Universi rsity ty of  Auckla Auc kland, nd, accord according ing to my versio version n of the local local we websi bsite. te. Occasi Occasional onally ly I thought of knocking on his door and introducing myself, having finally overcome this particular anxiety. Unfortunately, the Physics webpage advertised its interest in String Theory as the fundamental theory of particle interactions. That is, it did so until late 2016, when one day all reference to String Theory was suddenly erased. The new paradigm position was an unsurprising consequence of a long series of negative negati ve experimental results, which had now pretty much disproved the main predicitons of Strings. For me personally, this still came as a shock, having squandered my whole career for my dislike of Strings, and having lived for decades in a world where most successful careers in Theoretical Physics were in some way based on Strings. Productive theorists, quite unlike me, were already busy writing papers on the dark matter and dark energy problems using techniques that did not rely on Strings, Strings, having apparently apparently forgotten all about them. Sometimes Sometimes it really is great to see science working so efficiently to dismiss incorrect hypotheses hypot heses.. Unfortunate Unfortunately ly,, most of the new papers seemed to be based on old alternative ideas, which I had seen thousands of brilliant people working on twenty twenty years years ago, before they lost their jobs. Whole discipl disciplines ines had been b een swallowed up by the two behemoths of String Theory and Relativity. Such Suc h is progress progress perhaps. Only physicist physicistss will tell you that most of these published publis hed papers are a complete complete waste of time. If the standard standard measure of  success is publishing, and today it is, then people will naturally focus on the production of publishable results rather than on the far more difficult task of  analysing a range of speculative ideas. Once this culture is entrenched, and today it is, then speculative ideas will noorder longer permitted at authority. all, cut out of discussions directly, by ridicule or by ofbe some arbitrary When universities are managed according to old fashioned business principles, knowledge becomes the purview of the oldest scourge of civilisation: the elitist publishing house. In an economy where information carries monetary eta ry value, value, knowle knowledge dge always always has a price. price. The hey da day y of the in inter ternet net,, when free information was uploaded for everyone, had given way to a world of pay walls and exclusive exclusive sites. No business was more lucrative lucrative than the publication of prestigious research journals, to which every university must subscribe and on which academic job security depends. This brave new world was alien to me. As a young woman in Australia, I had freely browsed the physics journals at the university library. In those days, a large university would order hard bound copies of all the major  journals. Any one small was free a volume down off theThe shelf, and to obtain an article Anyone for the costtoofpull photocopying it oneself. university paid

36

 

one fixed fee for each journal, regardless of how many people wanted to read it. The global mantra of  Science   Science is Only for the Wealthy  was a backwards step of about four hundred hundred years. years. Scientists Scientists had tried to set things straight, straight, within the limits of their emplo employer yers’ s’ expectations. expectations. There was the option of  Open Access publication, where writers would pay a fee to be published. Again, this is about the money and not the science. science. Article Article preprints preprints were posted on a special document archive, which anyone could access, at least un until til they they we were re publis published hed.. But this archiv archivee wa wass so tigh tightly tly control controlled led by professional interests that only peer accepted papers were permitted there. Until Un til recently recently,, there was no double blind publishing in science. science. Besides, Besides, within a small field, everyone can be identified by their style. So if you don’t want a scientist to get a job, perhaps because she is inconveniently female or non white, then you can easily follow the modern day diversity protocols to the letter by insisting that the best candidate have the best publication list. In my case, it was not only the ever shifting goal posts that drove me insane. Mike and his friends were deliberately driving me insane. To prove that I was not imagining this sabotage of my mind, I would occasionally get emails emails from from dubiou dubiouss witnes witnesses ses,, asking asking how it fel feltt to be erased erased.. Most Most emails ema ils,, ho howe weve ver, r, as I ha have ve said, said, we were re not receiv received ed at all. This This isolatio isolation n was governed by a deafening silence, almost certainly because of the actual deletion of helpful mail. Actually, there was no excuse for my poor publication record. My brain  just does not work that way. way. I simply cannot think about science while worrying about what I should do for my career. The two things are mutually exclusiv exclu sive. e. Sadly, Sadly, I might well have been the kind of scientist scientist who writes a lot, if I had ever ever had the real opportun opportunit ity y to do so. But the righ rightt peace of mind requires at least a decent space to work and enough food to eat. Whenever I had these things, for a brief time, my mind would always wander back to physics. They were not satisfied with toying with my online journal access or online documents. documents. In a world world where you can only use the internet internet by accessing accessing a personal account, anyone who has control of that account can in principle screen scree n or alter any webpage webpage that you might might wish to visit. Increasingly Increasingly,, the pages that I liked to visit would be blocked, crashed, deleted, too busy, or in some other way engaged. The error messages were often far too creative to be plain errors. For years, for instance, I had been unable to download papers from an alternative research forum known as Researchgate. This was hacker trolling, provacative prov acative attempts to get my attention and make me fight. Because I could waste my life the whole you are too fighting, you don’t havefighting. time to That do theis things thatidea. they Ifare afraid youbusy might do. I did not have a spare ten dollars to spend on a bus trip to a handy 37

 

internet cafe, where I might remain anonymous for five or ten minutes. For me, the history of abuse was closely tied to the omnipresence of the internet. But why stop there. Once I finally figured out what was happening, I realised that things had always been this way. I had refused to look evil in the face, attributing every disturbance to a local bullying incident. I had never before really considered the possibility that others had been manipulated to get at me. If this was happenin happeningg no now, w, it also also had before. before. Out of all those those resent resent-ments and misunderstandings, between me and my family and others, there were some that were not accidental, some that came down to a long lost phone call or altered email. I dared not begin to imagine, the source of my troubles troub les going back back to the 1980s. Problems Problems caused by previous incarnations incarnations of Mike. Problems due to my talent for physics, which I really did have back then. I would never know the truth, but whatever it was, it was unthinkable. A whole life deliberately derailed, not once or twice early on, but ceaselessly, decade after decade. The biggest problem for abuse victims is the inconvenience of the truth. Nobody believes my story. They don’t want to believe that such crimes are unpunished, let alone sanctioned by the State.

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11.

After three years in Auckland, here I was faced with the unlikely prospect of giving lectures, for the first time in many years, in the sessions with John Butcher. Butc her. The first lecture lecture was terrible. terrible. It was not the speaking itself that ev evok oked ed anxiety anxiety,, since since I had a good deal deal of past experie experience nce.. Rather Rather,, I was was battling the thought that I would faint after standing up for ten minutes, or that I would forget the prepared story, due to memory loss caused by brain damage.. My concerns damage concerns were probably similar similar to those of John himself, who was in his eighties. The true true root of the pain was the bus budget. budget. My mind was well well conconditioned into perpetual malnutrition, so I purposefully put twenty or thirty dollars a week onto the bus card, roughly the same as I spent on groceries. How could I do otherwise. Was this not a catalyst to arrange my thoughts? With my anxious habit of planning ahead, there was always a whiteboard marker in my bagrather and anthan eraser nearby. I gave seminars the mathematician’s way, using a pen a computer. We gradua gradually lly settled settled on regular regular Frida Friday y meetin meetings. gs. Joh John n alw alway ayss kne knew w someone who would speak, if we were not up to it. After talking, we would all walk to the yum cha place on Wakefield Street. This was a very sensible use of ten dollars, if I managed managed to eat as many vegetables vegetables as possible. It was the only proper proper meal meal I ate each each we week. ek. If the mathem mathematic atician ianss ask asked ed about my circumstanc circumstances, es, I omitted the details. Many of them think that a Work Work and Income benefit is a kind of scholarship. The truth would be impossible for them to believe. Unlike in Physics, John Butcher’s research group was gender and ethnically diverse. diverse. Nicolette, Nicolette, a very very kind woman, now had a job in the DepartDepartmentt of Physics, men Physics, teaching teaching talented talented undergraduate undergraduates. s. I did not tell her that Iroom hads.also applied thising job. taught taug mathematics mathem in sthe tuaka na rooms. Saghir Sag hir wasfor finishing finish up Alison his PhD inhtnu numer merica icallatics anal analysi ysis at tuakana Mas Massey sey University, with John as a supervisor. Shixiao was a lecturer in Mathematics. As the year progressed, I became more ambitious, wanting to talk to students and attend more and more seminars. The psychologist had assured me about neuroplasticity, as a truth against the despair of brain trauma. I had deliberately misconstrued the associated hint that I could find an alternative line of work, and adopted neuroplasticity as a positive motto. About once a year I visited Kerie and Allan in Wanaka. It was my duty to mind the dog Tasman. Tasman. Tasman lived lived in a world with swift clean rivers, lonely lakes, and endless glacial valleys, where he flew over tussocks and streams strea ms after swirling flocks flocks of birds. At home, he could practise running running in the chase garden gardenrabbits or in the nearb neathe rby y path Hikuw Hikuwai reserve reserofve.me, . When Whe was feel young, youn g, he would across inaifront andnIhe would guilty

39

 

for not killing them for him. Nowaday Nowadayss he did not bother. We would simply wander the banks of the Clutha, stopping at the best swimming eddies. To Tasman, a world without an infinite quantity of fresh water was unthinkable. I too had grown up in such a world. When I moved to Auckland, at the age of forty five, I had never before been expected to monitor my water usage. Gripped Grip ped by paranoia, I had initially approached approached the Universit University y with the conviction that someone would prevent me from obtaining water altogether. My heart continually oscillated, from horror to relief, at the appearance of  a bubble bubbler. r. I expecte expected, d, needed needed,, and was in princi principle ple entitle entitled d to, cle clean an water. Everywhe Everywhere, re, people p eople were demanding demanding these basic rights for themselves themselves,, and much more besides. Vociferously ociferously,, they denied these rights rights to others, others, including me. The city was splitting its seams in uncontrolled growth, congratulating the achievements of those that would buy a berth on the Ark with blood soaked gold. One day the bubbler in Albert Park stopped running, and the shower in the Te Atatu house never worked properly. This was not paranoia. This was real. I had not lived in a major city for many years, and now I saw that socioeconomic socioecono mic inequalities inequalities had worsened worsened globally. globally. Our collective collective behaviour behaviour was a vision of Hell, with willing participants. I had first experienced this future of darkness on June the sixth, 2006, rising in panic from my cubicle in the Department of Physics at the University ver sity of Canterbury Canterbury.. The Pakeha Pakeha doctors called it psyc psychosis hosis,, because I thought I was God. Yet there was no darkness at all in my heart or in my empty empt y stomach. stomach. With only love, love, I wanted wanted to rearrange the world. world. When the authorities had picked me up at the airport in Auckland, I was harmlessly sitting with a scrap of paper jotting down plans for each continent, having left unattended valuables in the toilets. Some Som e peop people le assign assign themse themselv lves es thetotask tas k of off tortur torthis turing ing evil evil women, wom en, ny, for, God’s sake sake. . I might, at times, be able shake ceaseless misogyny misogy or the threat of autistic genocide under the charade of A Cure, but the taint of prophecy would never leave me now. In my experience, the surest precursor to psychosis is impending death through throu gh starvation. starvation. Once I got used to it, a week of psychosis psychosis would would bring  joy and calm. Knowing hunger does not make one a devil. I used the student computers in the Kate Edger building at the University ver sity.. My default email account account was a student student account. For me, around around ten emails a week was normal. I no longer bothered with blogging or online chats, preferring to be alone with my journal papers or science news feeds. The Kate Edger student commons held a mixture of fond and bad memories. ori es. While While homeless homeless the first time around, around, in 2014, 2014, I wo would uld go in into to the building buildi ngl with my luggage, unshow Oneout evening, evenin g, six seven sev security y pers persone onel bullie bullied d me off theunshowered. computer compuered. terss and of the buildin buior lding. g. enI securit tried to report dubious issues with my account to the IT desk several times, only to 40

 

be told that it was was not their their problem. problem. After After I became became a member member of staff, staff, I attempted to change my password at the tiny IT desk in the administration building on Symonds Street, which was very difficult to find, only to be told that I would have to report the problem online. All reports were were now made online. Instead Instead of visiting visiting the police in person, which was always a complete waste of time, I could file an incident report online. The replies I received from the police became more and more inventive. By 2016, I was being told that I should expect some piggybacking, if I wanted to work on cutting edge research. The time came for Work Work and Income Income to do a review review of my case. case. I was was sent with the forms to a new psychiatrist in Henderson, who promised to help me. Later the nurse nurse came around to my house with a signed signed doctor’s certificate, but it only covered a period of three months, which as far as Work and Income Income are concer concerned ned would would mean an end to the health health benefit. benefit. The nurse also handed me an application for the additional Disability Allowance, complaining compla ining about my excessive excessive budget. budget. I screamed at her, and tore the certificate to shreds. I told her to leave the house house and never never return return again. again. Two Two da days ys later, later, I spotted spotted her on the doorste door step, p, but I ref refuse used d to answe answerr the door. One day day after that, that, I found another doctor’s certificate on my doorstep. The new certificate assured the authorities that I would be unable to work wo rk for the follo followin wingg tw twoo years years.. It was the usual usual curse curse,, because because I had been madly hoping for a job all this time, but the two year period was a required requ ired criterion criterion for Work and Income. This time there was a tw twoo pronged diagnosis, something that almost certainly warranted a permanent benefit, yet this kind of support was eerily elusive. elusive. First, the depres depression sion was right enough. The second part, however, was a diagnosis that made George Orwell look like Mary Poppins, and permitted all kinds of medical authority. I tookout thethe certificate to the Work and Income Henderson, crossing second part of the diagnosis. Afteroffice all, ifinthe certificateafter was a forger forgery y of some kind, kind, one had to wonde wonderr who had forged forged it. The woman woman at the reception desk took one look at it before telling me that Work and Income could not accept an altered medical certificate. Within seconds, we were having an argument. I told told her they should should just phone phone the doctor to ch chec eck k the form. form. After After all, on a previous occasion I had seen them phone an unqualified agency to discuss my private private medical details details.. She complained complained that I had written two words in the margin beside the crossed out item. Indeed, I had written ”Warning: Newspeak”. Then The n she looked looked at the monitor monitor in front front of her. her. Sudden Suddenly ly,, she was all smiles. ”Dear, please just take a seat while I phone the Ministry about it”, she said sweetly said swee if I of was wared s five years yearsatold. old . Iback could wai I wassometimes well well used to sitting on tly, the, as circle chairs the of wait. thet.office, for hours, beside a notice board and TV that blared advertisements for job 41

 

seekers. The woman event eventually ually told me to leave leave the form with her. On my way out, following following the instructions instructions she had been given, she hinted hinted that if I would would only accept the second part of the diagnosis then I might get more money. How interestin interesting. g. So if you only have have depression, depression, you deserve deserve to starve starve to death, and they don’t mind telling you so. I left without responding. My payments payments were were not increased. increased. In fact, the next week the payments payments stopped altogether. altogether. Swallowin Swallowingg all emotion for a moment, I went back back to the Work Work and Income office to demand demand that the payments payments be reinstated. reinstated. I had to do this twice. twice. I showe showed d no inclinati inclination on to move move out of my house, house, or in any other way alter my basic circumstances. Under the rule of Oppression, the Family expects the State to care for the vulnera vulnerable ble and the State expects expects the Family Family to do it. If the Family amily spends a small amount of money on you, occasionally, a Work and Income officer will angrily demand to know who would dare do such a thing. If you have a Family who does much more than that, no doubt Work and Income would wo uld stop supportin supportingg yo you u all together. together. And Mike Mike would would make sure that never happened.

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12.

The swan tree by the front door had died, taking with it the Monarch butterflies butte rflies.. Perhaps Perhaps the tree had simply been weakened weakened by an overabu overabunndunce of caterpillars caterpillars the previous year. year. Or perhaps someone had listened listened when I told the nurse I thought the tree was going to die. At this loss of precious outdoor privacy, I overheard one of the neighbours laughing. The increasing shortage of sunlight and food was turning me into a ghoul, with sunken eyes and numerous sores. I was resigned to mistrustful isolation, determined not to rage over each interference with my letterbox, whether tampered mail, nasty notes from neighbours, or the delivery of unwanted newspapers. One week in April 2016, I went to a Wednesday colloquium on the ground floor of the science science buildin building. g. There There was usually usually minimal minimal chatter chatter in the theatre theatr before b efore the speaker arrived. arrived. visit Thisby week, howeve how ever, r, cosmologist, I overhe overheard ard aJanna man quer query y eRichard Ric hard about an upcoming a well known cosmolo gist, Levin.. Professor Levin Professor Levin’s Levin’s name was familiar. She was one of very very few famous female theorists, theorists, and also a best selling author. While on a visit to Wanak Wanaka, a, I googled Levin’s name and discovered that she was due to give a talk at the Writers’ riters’ Festival, estival, at the Aotea Centre Centre in May. May. I purchased purchased a tw twent enty y dollar ticket. The day of Levin’s Levin’s talk was a very very speci special al day. day. Nobody Nobody had tol told d me about abo ut it, but but I was there there all the same. same. In the morni morning ng I put put on my tidy black dress, and caught the bus into the city. I arrived hours before the talk, but since the festival was in full swing, I could loiter around the book stalls reading readi ng Levin’s latest latest work. When the upstairs upstairs staff grew irritated at my lingering, without the intention of buying anything, I simply moved to the downstairs stall. finished the book inabout, three hours. I had come to In thethis talkway, withI no idea what it was thinking it would havee little relevance hav relevance to Physics. Physics. To my immense immense delight, I was mistaken. mistaken. The book covered the history of the LIGO experiment, which had recently detected gravitational waves for the first time, a century after they were predicted pred icted by Einstein’s Einstein’s theory of General General Relativity Relativity.. The LIGO results results had of course been in the news, and they are undoubtedly one of the highlights of my nerd life. Even better, Levin’s talk avoided the sociology and focused on the physics of black holes. While waiting in the queue before the talk, I overheard the man behind me tell a friend about personal acquaintances in Physics at the University of Auckland. Auckland. Naturally Naturally,, I introduced introduced myself, myself, and he introduced introduced himself as Michael, a mature age graduate student in the Department of Physics. The three us satwas together chatting about physics for fifteen minutes. Belonging to thisofworld happiness.

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Michael happened to mention a regular Monday morning meeting of  astrophys astrop hysicists icists at the Universit University y. He told me what room it was in, namely a familiar, medium sized seminar room in the Computer Science department, adjacent to Mathematics, and a few doors down from Cris’s office. The following Monday I went along. I did not discuss it with anyone. I simply showed up, and sat in an unassuming position in the audience, away from fro m the round round table table of astroph astrophysi ysicis cists. ts. Nobody Nobody told me to leave. leave. After After almost ten painful years of exclusion from the Physics community, and a complete sense of hopelessness, it seemed I might find a way back. I expected various kinds of resistance. At first, as expected, this took a form not directly related related to me. For some unknown unknown reason, the location of  the meeting was changed to a small room on the sixth floor of the Physics Department. I discovered this only on the second Monday, when one of the graduate students, Chang the cosmologist, accidentally arrived at the old location, where where I was sitting sitting alone. A year before, before, I would would not have foun found d the courage to follow Chang into the Department Physics,sitting but that day I did. So I sat through through a second secon d meeting, without without of speaking, quie quietly tly on a window sill. Eventually I asked JJ, the local astrophysicist that I knew from occasional chats, to add me to the mailing list for the meeting, which was in principle open to anyone with a professional interest in astrophysics research. The new meeting room, Wahi Hui, was unusual. unusual. It contained contained a single, single, long wooden table, around which which there sat soft high stools. On the centre of  the table there was a fresh vase vase of Gondwanan Gondwanan flowers. flowers. The windows windows were covered with encouraging quotes, in various bright colours. One could look out across Albert Park to see the time on a clock tower in the CBD. To complete the homely feel, there was a small bookshelf next to the whiteboard, and a cupboard containing containing tea and snacks. snacks. One week, week, I helped myself myself to a block chocolate. Toofme, walking out of Hell, this room was a place where I could finally belong. A small place in the land. Wahi Hui was managed by Sarah Hikuroa, whose office was right across the narrow corridor. One day, in a fit of audaciousness, I decided to book the room for myself, for one hour a week, seeing on the printed roster that the room was often empty. Sarah’s email said that this was no problem, pointing out that Wahi Hui was used for purposes other than physics. Indeed, it was situated situat ed within a new multidisci multidisciplinar plinary y reseearc reseearch h group. And so on Monday mornings at 9am, before the astrophysics meeting, I would would sit quietly quietly at the table table in Wa Wahi hi Hui. My impossibl impossiblee dream dream was a research group of my own, where I could sit and chat with Chang and others about quantum gravity gravity.. For now, now, I would enjoy enjoy the space alone, whatever whatever happened. happene d. bols And Ion did. If allk Ipage, couldIdowas with theyhour scrawl scraw l one confused confuse d lin linee of symbols sym a blank blan wa s happy happ . This Thiwas s was more than I had done for years. 44

 

On my first solo venture into this territory, I arrived early and found that the door to Wahi Hui was locked. locked. A pretty midd middle le aged woman with dark hair was was walking walking past. She asked asked me whether I was lost. lost. After I told her I wasn’t, she told me her name was Kate, and that the keys to Wahi Hui were kept in her pigeon hole near the Physics office. This was the only time I would ever speak to Kate. I made a demure attempt to tell the students about my meetings by leaving a handwritten note on the noticeboards in both the Mathematics and Physics common rooms. Eventually, the Mathematics notice remained and the Physics notice disappeared. Realising in surprise, listening to people talk, that I still remembered a lot about about ph physi ysics, cs, I starte started d contri contribut buting ing to the astroph astrophysi ysics cs meetin meetings, gs, preparing short descriptions of new papers about neutrinos. It was a struggle, due to the severity of my short term memory problems. Whether this was due to early dementia or brain damage, I did not really care, but was longer. I was to figure ou outt what wh at there day of th theenowuse ee eek k denying it was. was. itI any woul would d spend spend half halfstruggling an hour makin mak ingg a trivial decision about my budget, only to forget completely what I had been thinking think ing about. Yet, without knowing it, I had been learning to adapt. Whenever I made a decision, decision, I would would write myself myself a note. I would look around me all the time, to make sure I had not left things. things. My anxieties anxieties were were no now w root rooted ed more in these problems than in the fear and paranoia. I was a truly old woman. Nobody seemed to notice my difficulties, and I could only assume they put it down to innate incompetence. I would keep forging ahead, since this wass the wa the on only ly way way to mend mend my mind. mind. With Withou outt fail fail then, then, I went went in on a Monday. This tightrope would survive until August. A man from Hastings, a place I have never visited, emailed me to say he wanted speak tostarte me about quantum physics, having seen mygestin confident blurb blu rb ontothe Kicksta Kick rter r we websi bsite. te. I gladly glad ly emaile emailed d a reply rep ly,, sugges sug tingg he come to my personal Monday Monday meeting in Wahi Hui. He agreed, two weeks weeks in a row, but did not actually show up. Having suspected mockery from the start, I was not surprised, especially given his second email, which contained a glaring factual error. error. Such Such nonsense physics physics was to become a new trend amongst people that spoke to me, as if this had been the level of my discussions all along. But I persisted in being polite, in spite of the consequences, lest I become as insensitive as an egotistical professional. Next, an email from Sarah told me that their research group had received a request to use Wahi Hui for a proper meeting, and that my Monday morning slot was the only suitable time. In utter despair, I hurredly replied to Sarah, whom I liked and trusted. I told her that any attempt to remove me Wahiharassment, Hui, at a time when there was pretty much around, wasfrom probably although I certainly did not knownobody whether or not anyone at the University was responsible. 45

 

At this time, I harboured no ill feelings whatsoever towards anyone on campus. campu s. For four years, years, whenever whenever there had been any chance chance of confrontaconfrontation,, I had simply tion simply absen absented ted myself myself from the situat situation ion.. This This had been the foolish habit of a lifetime.

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13.

While the other keen young students knocked on much doors everything, to get technical or professional advice, I had taughthad myself pretty very ver y slowly and painfully painfully.. After each each forced forced break from Physics, Physics, usually two or three years at a stretch, I would have to relearn many subjects from scratch. There was always a great deal that my older mind could no longer cope with. That all my professors and colleagues were male, every single one, did not overly bother me, because I really had no idea at the time what they were thinking and I was entirely focused on the work. Whatt they Wha they we were re collectiv collectively ely thinking thinking was this. It was quain quaintt that that a boisterous and voluptuous young blonde woman such as myself would waste he herr ener energie giess trying trying to su succ ccee eed d at a man’s man’s job. job. I was was a fr frea eak. k. They They let me carry on without interference, because young women in the 1980s were permitte perm itted d an education educa tion. . Noa family, doubt doubt ithappily would would giving all endup there. the re.ambitions Even Eventual tually ly aI would find a man and start all of real science science job. They felt no need, in those days, days, to behave behave as overt overt bullies bullies,, because the idea of someone like me having a Physics career was so utterly ludicrous, even if I was at the top of the class. I had always always told people that I was was seriou seriouss about about my vocation vocation.. Since Since the age of fifteen, I had participated in science schools and work experience projects proje cts.. I had forgone forgone holiday holidayss and other other luxuri luxuries es in order order to be in the right rig ht place place at the right time time.. I had tuto tutored red any studen studentt that that came came to me for help, and by my third year as an undergraduate I was already teaching and publis publishin hing. g. It did not occur to me tha thatt this was at all un unusu usual al for a teenager. To me, this was just what scientists did. Later on, this early experience would skew my perspective in very strange ways. Fornoinstance, I could never convince the mathematics was difficult, matter how much trouble I wasmyself havingthat getting my head around it. Some Some sa saw w this as eviden evidence ce of my masculin masculinee tenden tendency cy to overe overestim stimate ate my own abilities, but I had never been thinking about myself at all while working. By the age of twenty six, I thought I was hopelessly over the hill. Each Eac h time I came came back, back, the work did become become more more diffi difficul cult, t, mostly mostly because my mind had deteriorated due to poverty and abuse. But this was what I did. I had stopped listening to alternative alternative career career suggestions suggestions some time in the early 1990s. By the time the Mental Health authorities in Auckland tried to coax me away aw ay from my obsession, obsession, the idea was completely unthink unthinkable. able. Mike knew this. thi s. There There were were armies armies of trolls trolls that knew this. this. But someho somehow, w, nobody I met in Auckland was in the least bit concerned about my situation. There were several femalesics students, and one ryone female postdoc, at theInUniversity versity of Auckland Aucklan d astrophysics astrophy meetings. meeting s. Everyo Eve ne else was male. as-

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tronomy, women and other minorities are in general fairly well represented, but this changes quickly the closer one gets to The Turf. To the outside world, professional Physics is a modern marvel of diversity initiat initiativ ives es and communi community ty oriented oriented goals. But if yo you u look carefu carefully lly,, yo you u can easily see The Turf. Turf. This is the sacred sacred ground upon which which unsuitable people shalt not tread. Turn on a video from the Perimeter Institute about a highly theoretical topic, and the ratio of men to women in the audience is still often fifty to one, unchanged since the 1970s. The ratio of white to non white people is even worse. Along with Religion and Philosophy, Theoretical Physics today demands reverence. I am sure the percentage of women doing it is actually falling. Back in the 1980s, the general public could not have cared less about Physics. Phy sics. It was a subject for idiots who wanted wanted to build nuc nuclear lear weapons. weapons. It had been an immense relief to me, as a teenager, to find out that I would never be expected to deal with the public. Today, on the other hand, a talk on theoretical can fill a stadium. Nomatter, best selling novel could faila to mention theastrophysics Higgs boson, neutrinos or dark things I had spent lifetime lifeti me trying trying to understand understand.. This mindboggling change of affairs had crept up on me quite unawares. Living in complete isolation, being continuously bullied off the internet, I really had no idea to what extent the Physics audience had grown, right up until unt il 2015. In 2007, when Physics Physics blogging was just beginn beginning, ing, I had been happy happ y with ten or tw twent enty y regular readers. readers. As a postgraduate postgraduate student, student, I had given hundreds of different seminars, and was happy if one person in the audience audie nce learned something. something. But by 2015, there were were people p eople who seemed to hate me for wanting to be a rock star. When I was young, all kinds of people liked to talk to me about Physics. I was filled with enthusiasm. enthusiasm. Nowaday Nowadayss nobody talks to me about it, even though is interested. Somehow people should the subject,everyone lest my insanity and my stupidit stupidity y leadknow themthey astray astra y. Anyavoid popular writer or psychologist is obviously a better authority on Theoretical Physics than I am. After all, they are allowed to speak to leaders in the field about the latest ideas, while I am not. The academics, or at least the people who control their online interactions, tion s, had not said anythin anythingg to me about about all my crazy work. work. They They had in fact gone to great lengths not to do so, always finding some other excuse to exclude exclu de me. The Dean’s email, from the Univ Universit ersity y of Victo Victoria ria in Wellington, had hinted that my homelessness was the critical embarrassment that had necessitated my expulsion. For years I had been flustered and indignant, never realising to what extent the dark forces of the world might have control over my correspondence.I. was dence I hadcarrying fought fough for crimes years years tothat recover recoIver self esteem , to .dismiss dismis s tantly all that guilt carry ingt for hadmy never nev er esteem, committed. committed Reluctant Reluc ly,, I finally accepted the burden of being a public figure of sorts, even though I 48

 

understood unders tood there would would be no support support or recogniti recognition. on. The trut truth h is, I had been clinging desperately desperately to my anonymity anonymity,, absolutely absolutely terrified of attention. starte d blogging purely of had loneliness, loneliness and desperate to talkI had about aboustarted t techni technical cal things. things. My out mind been ,filled fille d awith wit h sci scienc enceeneed and mathematics, even when life was tough. There is no going back.

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14.

The conversation my email regar regarding ding Wahi Wahi Hui, between immediately immediately grew account antagonistic. antagoniand stic.Sarah’s I was email sittingaccount, meekl meekly y amongst the students in the computer room in the Kate Edger building, comforted by the familiar sights and smells, grateful that the students would leave me alone. Then, strangely calm from a new height in malnutrition, I espied a totally novel nov el opportunity opportunity, a new choice. choice. I could do the unthink unthinkable. able. I could turn and face this Devil head on, on  the attack , even knowing that the inevitable consequen conse quences ces would be dire. These latest emails were almost certainly not from Sarah herself, so I wentt up to her office to find her. She was away wen away.. Her office mate said she was at a board meeting. My emails told me she was on holiday. Three times, I tried to book Wahi Hui at an alternative time, but was told that Wahi Hui wasThe not next for personal use. Monday, and only that one time, I went in very early and took the key to Wahi Hui from Kate’s pigeon hole. I sat in the room for an hour, until around 9.15 am, when a local man, whose office was only metres away, arrived arriv ed to claim the room. He guessed guessed my name, although I am quite sure we have never met. He was rude, and then I was angry about being evicted from the room, but I went anyway. I was not a trouble maker. Shortly thereafter, I got my first serious response to a job application in almost a decade, from a theorist in the Physics research group that manages Wahi Hui. So I went to the sixth floor for coffee with Professor Hendy, whom I had not previou previously sly spoken spoken to. I told him that somethin somethingg was was not quite quite rightt about my room booking experiences. righ experiences. He told me that their research research group was not looking for paid employees, but for volunteers, for people who couldinstudy things of importance to New Zealand, like the risk factors involved welfare dependence. Slow witted as I am, I was finally developing a realisation that universities had changed changed since my time. time. The money was about money money. Even Even if all my personal business with the Department was somehow due to my paranoia, something something here was terribly, terribly, apocalyptically apocalyptically wrong. I had shrugged at the broadening of scientific agendas, to include more industrial and educational ucatio nal goals. I had not minded when I witnessed witnessed individuals individuals switching switching from pure science science to engineerin engineering. g. But nothing had prepared prepared me for the total obliteration of my way of thinking. As a lonely, paranoid crackpot, I had never dared ask the University for money, despite the endless, albeit imaginary, hope of diversity initiatives. tiv es. Now Now I sa saw w that that it was entirel entirely y out the questio question, n, even if I had been a spectacular success. success. Gravitation Gravitational al waves waves and the Higgs boson had been observed, and all speculative endeavours were being assigned to the dustbin

50

 

of history. So be it. I had chosen my line of research in 1994, and there are far better reaso reasons nsparticles for sticking sticking to LHC it today. today . The and String theorists theoris ts hadexperiments, predicted predicted a hoarde hoard of new at the collider, in dark matter but noe such suc h things were ever detected. detected. As Feynman Feynman famously famously said, if your theory does not agree with experiment, it is wrong, no matter how perfect it might seem. Besides, Besides, theorists from all camps were now interested interested in Quantum Quantum Information Infor mation as a basis for both gravity gravity and quantum physics. physics. And String Theory itself was hinting at new ideas, which were turning out to be rather similar sim ilar to what what the opponent opponentss had been saying. saying. We did not know know much much about it yet, but some unified theory had to exist. By now I was well aware that Mike, or perhaps the Devil himself, would like to turn people like Richard Easther against me, because I was simply not being allowed to do theoretical physics. In consideration of my crackpot status, for years I had generously avoided him. that week I went tofor thethat Wednesday colloquium, although ha had dAs nousual, idea what was sched sch edul uled ed day. day. I sat sa t in my usua usual l spot spot atI the back. back. When the first man to arrive arrive turned out to be an astrophys astrophysicist, icist, Nicolette’s husband, I wondered hopefully if was to be a cosmology talk. Slowly, the lecture hall filled with local physicists, many of whom rarely attended lectures. When the slides were uploaded, I saw that it was in fact a talk about gender gender equit equity y in Physi Physics. cs. Well ell,, I was was also also very very inte interes rested ted in that. Just before the speaker began, Richard Easther climbed the steps to the back of the hall to address address me personally personally.. With the whole Department Department listening, not to mention an unknown number of electronic devices, he informed me rudely that it was a private meeting and I would have to leave, as if I had knowingly shown up to cause trouble. Severa Sev eral l though thoughts ts pushed pus hedothers theirs were way way in into my mind immedia imme diatel tely y. Two, One, One, Richard Richard Easther Easthe r and a few other notolonger entirely entirely innocent. innoce nt. only someone like Mike could have devised such sublime humiliation, a negation not only of my entire professional life but also of my experience as a woman, in a field that was still almost exclusively male. And finally, that I had won my first real battle against the dark forces of the internet. internet. There was no way now that an objective observer could attribute these events to my paranoia. The enemy’s cover was blown. After only a moment’s protest I left the lecture hall, without shedding a tear until I was outside outside the building. building. In confirmation confirmation of the hidden hidden state of rage, I received an email from Richard complaining about the length of  time it had taken me to leave the hall, about one whole minute. I emailed Professor Krausskopf, the new head of Mathematics, to request que st ameeting meetin meeting g regard regJohn arding ing bullying bullying..group, And for almost almostwith the alast time,visiting I we went nt to my with Butcher’s complete friendly graduate student, although I could not listen to a thing. 51

 

Once the Wahi Hui booking had been cancelled, I had received a very unlikely invitation from young Sean, a Kiwi cosmology postdoc. Sean wondered whether thehastrophysics mailing list would interested in a weekly onlineanyone lectureonlunch lunc meeting in the Department Departme nt ofbe Physics. Phy sics. Eac Each h week we would view a professional cosmology lecture from the Perimeter Institute in Canada, which like a number of other Theoretical Physics establishments, uploaded videos of most of their talks. I had worked at Perimeter myself for six months in 2003, and visited a second time in 2009. As my computer problems waxed and waned in the Kate Edger building, I had largely largely given given up trying trying to watc watch h such such lec lectur tures es on my own. own. But the bigger issue at the moment was the bus budget. Recently, I had mentioned to John Butcher that Friday meetings did not work well for me, and decided to give them up. This was because a Monday meeting, a Wednesday colloquium, and a Friday event added up to three days travel each week. Thirty dollars a week for the bus was the equivalent of thirty loaves of bread. treasured yumincha, of the wasThe was a fading fad ing dream, dream, the and light lightthe of companionship growing growing physical physical weakne weamathematicians, kness. ss. But now, with the promise of a cosmology meeting, a Friday trip was reestablished. I was going to go if it killed me, and someone knew it. Each Friday, Sean would display a list of seven or eight lectures from Perimeter Per imeter for us to vote on. This effectivel effectively y meant that I had no say in what we viewed, but this was infinitely better than ten years of total isolation. To my surprise, I was still familiar enough with the jargon to follow everything. As you get old you understand how slowly science really moves. Naturally, Richard Easther was there, along with Chang, other students and postdocs. One week, week, Richard complained complained about crackpots, crackpots, and at other times he would casually mention Oxford or Canterbury, places I had previously been. For the first time in four years, I started to run into Richard in the ground floor corridors. corridor s. In in another odd coincidence, coincidence, I was also running into cosmologists accidentally Mathematics. My version of the University website had indicated that reports of bullying or harassment harassment should be directed to the head of my department. department. So when a meeting about bullying was scheduled in November, by email, I went to Krausskopf’s office to speak to him for the first time. I would attempt to explain my existential problems, even though it was all bound to go dreadfully wrong. As far as I could see, this necessitated a short summary summary of my life story, story, which took about an hour. Kraussko Krausskopf, pf, and the female mathematician who was there, were wondering what all this had to do with the Department, where I was presently an Honorary Academic. Very little, I admitted, assuring them that all the mathematicians had been very nice to me over the years. We ended up agreeing that it was not their  job It todid hold my handtoin business with the Department of Physics. not occur memy that the mathematicians were unaware of the real reason reaso n for the meeting. Only later I saw there had been no direct discussion discussion 52

 

of bullying. bullying. Their Their emails emails had probab probably ly informed informed them that that the meeting meeting concerned my status as an Honorary Academic in the Department, which wass due totask: wa expire expirtoe submit the fol follow lowing mon th. proposal I had also alsthat o failed faiIled mention menti on my morning’s theing lastmonth. grant willtoever write, to a University of Auckland funding body. This insanely bold proposal, worth several hundred thousand dollars, was to establish my own neutrino theory group at the Universit University y. My email inbox informed informed me that I was ineligible ineligible to apply, although it would not have been physically possible to submit the application applic ation without staff access. access. My emails quickly distanced themselves further and further from reality. There was a new email from Mike, using yet another email address, promising a visit visit to New Zealand Zealand.. Two Two emails emails allegedl allegedly y came from a studen studentt in New Jersey, wondering about some important ideas that I had mentioned on my blog around eight years earlier. If their cover was blown, they had nothing to lose. Out of necessity, I had been maintaining second email account onadministrative a public website. This account had little activity,aand I had not bothered bothere d to change change the password in a long time. Now I suddenly receive received d an email from Rob Wilson, whom I had met a year and a half earlier. Rob was one of very few people that had been given this email address, and now he was asking me about some crackpot ideas that we had been discussing in his office when he was visiting Auckland. The remarkable thing about this final email is not that I should receive it, or not that I should be stupid enough to reply, after deleting the rest of  my inbox, but that this final email absolutely proved that some unknown entity ent ity had been managing managing my emails for years. What this email highlighte highlighted d was the glaring absence of countless others. Paranoia Par anoia was no longer a candi candidate date explanation explanation of events. events. It was mid November 2016, Now and Ithey had could no choice but to abandon all internet at least for a while. do what they liked with my emailactivity, accounts, but they could never attribute any of it to me. Thus enraging the darkness, I did not send send a single single email email from from then then on. I waited waited until Decem December ber 21 to visit the University again, only to return my last library book.

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15.

With with a deteriorating levelinofthe psychological comfort, hadDepartment persisted in relaxing a cup of coffee staff common room ofI the of Mathematics. There was an increased frequency of people banging doors accidentally nearby. Every time, it made me jump. I had very few remaining snail mail correspondents. Three, to be precise. Once I gave up writing job applications, having spent a good fraction of my life doing this, I suddenly received a few interesting offers through my snail maill friend mai friends. s. My old host father father in Denmar Denmark, k, who had once been a great great letter writer, had been in contact with the Chancellor of his local university, an old colleague of his, and he said this university was willing to put me on a tri trial al period period in one of the Engineer Engineering ing departm departmen ents. ts. I rec receiv eived ed a similar similar letter from my sole aunt in Australia, who had been talking to a retired Professor of Physics at her local university, and told me that I could stay with her,work in a city entirely unfamiliar to me, while I sought a little part time teaching at this university. I had even fewer fewer trusted trusted email contacts. contacts. None, to be precise. Cheerful Cheerful updates from friends in Christchurch had petered out after an email that said I could stay with them while I sought employment. I shuddered at my last memories of Christchurch, when I had been forced to wash dishes in a hotel hotel and sell beer to drunk drunkard ards. s. My employe employerr then had told me I was was  just fantastic, and I could always come back. Pauline had mentioned the possibility of a short visit to Wellington, which sounded quite pleasant, but the detailed detailed offer never arrived. arrived. The war had many many fronts. fronts. Back Back in August August,, in the we week ek after my job interview inte rview with Shaun in Physics, during which I had declared Work Work and Income my enemy, I had received a letter from Work and Income. Once again, they were demanding demandin g a again renewal renewrequested al ofested the perfectly perfec tly valid certificate, certifica te, on the grounds that I had requ the additional additio nalmedical Disability Disabilit y Allowanc Allowance. e. With renewed dignity, I vowed never to deal with them again. From that time, I ignored all their letters, even the regular form for the Temporary Additional Allowance, which covered my grocery and bus money. The only possible poss ible outcome outcome wa wass homele homelessn ssness ess.. In Nove Novembe mber, r, after after wastin wastingg tw twen enty ty dollars on chocolate, I found that my benefit had been reduced. That week, the rent was not paid. My landlord landlord and landlady landlady tried tried to be kind. kind. They They let me off paying paying the rentt for one we ren week. ek. They They brought brought me a lit little tle food. They They suggeste suggested d I visit visit an organisation in Henderson, the Auckland Against Poverty action group. But they did not know my enemies. Surely thinking that I would never risk the torture of homelessness again, my enemies were trying to manoeuver me like a sick sheep into yet one more disappointment, running to the Work and Income office like a headless chicken for one extra dollar.

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Yet, if I could win one battle, I could win another. Besides, my physical health was now so poor that I was certain I would soon die, which I had made mistak e of Krass f. Ihands haddseaten almost for for two twthe o week weterrible eks. s. Itmistake was an effor efftelling ortt to Krasskop stand. stand.kopf. My han and feet fee t were ernothing e ofte often n numb, and the vertigo had reappeared. Homelessness was a lesser problem than death, and I was not going to die in a mould infested infested prison. prison. I allowed allowed the bond money to disappear again. again. The day I left the house, after handing my belongings once again to David Gauld, my mind was in such disarray that I forgot to pack many essentials, ev even en though though they they were lying lying on the kitchen kitchen bench bench as I pac packe ked. d. I was was too weak to trundle the suitcase as far as the shops, so I picked a campsite at the end of the closest cul de sac. In my last days days lying alone on the old queen bed, I had relaxe relaxed. d. I was not afraid to die. I was at peace with the erasure of my life. I was going at last to my resting place, without having to end my life myself. the first I was with unexpected feeling of es. relief. HerAt Here e there wascampsite, only the sound sou ndflooded of the birds bir ds an and the wind in the tre trees. In shock at the normality of my surroundings, I momentarily put dying out of  my mind. But for the next two weeks, it was a struggle to walk more than a few feet at a time. My body was generating fluids in bizarre places, and I would fall over almost every time I got up out of the tent. Five days after leaving the house, my stomach was empty and I was thirsty thirs ty.. I wondered wondered whether Work Work and Income would pay me that week, because I knew for certain that if they didn’t, I would die. My minimal benefit payments continued. I became stronger with a single week wee k of healthy healthy food, after three full years years of neglect. neglect. I was astonished by the physiological physiological changes: changes: the clear skin, improved improved eyesight, eyesight, proper bowel move mo vemen ments. ts. On the other other hand, hand, food is hard on a neglec neglected ted mind, which which has In forgotten how to organise early January, I went toits thethoughts. University for the third last time, hiding my belongings in a dreadful hotel room nearby. There was a second and final meeting with Professor Krausskopf, with Amanda Ama nda from the Mathemati Mathematics cs office. I had queried queried Amanda Amanda about my inability to log on to my computer account in the Kate Edger building. Apparently, I had lost my email account, my only reliable computer access, and my personal files. All of it was gone, apperently as punishment for the crime of not reading my emails for a few weeks. Krausskopf informed me that the Department had no intention of renewingg my position. After all, honorary newin honorary positions were were for special people, not just anyone. anyone. Moreo Moreover ver,, I was entirely to blame, for having having wasted his time with my ridiculous story. story. And we had communicated communicated by email, had we not. ”No, we did   not   communicate by email”, I protested, caring not a tot for further further ridicule. Apparentl Apparently y, I had been informed of the situation on the 55

 

afternoon aftern oon of Decem December ber 21, in an email email from Amanda. Amanda. This was was the day I had returned returned my last library library book. bo ok. As it happens, happens, the Universit University y had closed for Christmas on December andit.I would never have received this email even if I had been inclined to23, read ”No, ”N o, I am not to bl blame ame for this” this”,, I sa said id bold boldly ly.. ”S ”Som omeo eone ne else else is to blame. bla me. Not me”. Krauss Kraussko kopf pf looked looked shocked, shocked, because because it just just wasn’ wasn’tt his  job to worry about idiots like me. I did not bother to explain that the previous meeting had in fact been about bullying and harrassment, because it was obviously obviously a waste waste of energy energy.. Besides, Besides, I was clearly an idiot for having having vaguely trusted my version of the University website. Krasskopf also told me that David Gauld was no longer interested in su suppo pport rtin ingg me. me. Of course course,, I had had not not spok spoken to eit eithe herr Davi David d or Ra Racchel hel recently, but was acutely aware that all my personal belongings were then being stored in their garage at some unknown unknown address. address. I was overcome overcome by a wave of nausea, thinking of these last precious possessions, mostly books andThinking papers, but notofbat eyelid. library access, forgetting completely nowdid only thean precious the dream of having students of my own, I had to request support from anothe ano therr depart departmen ment. t. I immedi immediate ately ly walked walked up the stairs stairs to see JJ, the astrophys astrop hysicist, icist, in the Department Department of Physics. Physics. Only once or twice over over the last four years had I come to stand quietly alone by the central window here on the seventh floor, with a cup of black tea. JJ listened kindly to my problem, and promised to talk to Richard about it. We agreed to meet in person p erson again once he returned returned from a trip overseas overseas,, in late Februar ebruary y. In the meant meantime ime,, I tol told d him not to bother with emails, emails, because I would never receive them. Eventually, I managed to phone David Gauld from the last operational pay phone near the Te Atatu shops. At first he appeared not to recognise my voice, but I choked back the belongings. immediate persisted telling him that I could now pick up my belongin gs.anxiety So, onceand again, Davidin came around to Te Atatu in his little car, and together we drove my boxes to a cheap storagee facility storag facility near Henderson. Henderson. We did not speak about my circumstances circumstances.. Fear could be overcome, but anxiety was life. I was so concerned about banking errors, that I would sometimes make the laborious trip to my storage unit just to check check in person p erson that they had received received the money. money. At least now I had the money to do this.

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16.

Seven Sev en months of homelessnes homele s has now passe d. People Peop le express concern about the cold weather, butssness the forest camppassed. is much better in winter than in summer. There are no mosquitoes, the sunlight sunlight filters through the trees to my tent, there are fewer walkers on the track, and I can sit in the tent without overheating. When cutoff from reliable sources of news, or plain gossip, it quickly becomes difficult to guess the true cause of events in one’s surroundings. Had eugenics and fascism really become so popular again? If I extrapolated back from the number of proud, self proclaimed Nazis who stopped to talk to me in the street, then roughly half of the world’s population would be plotting to murder all the evil indigenous and Jewish people. On second thoughts, perhaps the sample of strangers who stop to talk to me is not entirely random. In fact, all these to years in Auckland, it seems clear that only people who after are permitted befriend me are pale skinned men whothe profess to be alarmed at birth rates amongst brown skinned people, as if this is an enlighten enlightened ed academic academic perspecti perspective ve.. When When I was was living living in the house on Te Atatu Atatu Rd, there there was the friend friendly ly young young builde builderr at the bus stop. On our second or third meeting, he made it clear that Aboriginal Australians weree stupid. After I started camping in the reserve, wer reserve, I accidental accidentally ly ran into him again, but luckily he escaped to Whakatane. Whakatane. Then there was the blue eyed old man on the bus from the city, who sat down next to me with his elaborately carved walking cane. As I glanced at his not entirely Caucasian features, he loudly bemoaned the curse of mixed race lazy sods, completely ignoring the cellphones of nearby passengers. Then there was a beggar boy in Te Atatu Atatu who bought bought me a muffin, muffin, which which later later made me ill. He seemed seemed quite keen on murdering rich people using Hitler’s methods. The quality of my conversations with men started going downhill, if this is possible, as the months of homelessness dragged on. One winter’s morning I was sitting at my usual outdoor table when a blue eyed American, who I had never seen around before, stopped to admire the neat packing of my camping equipment, which I was now in the habit of wedging behind a chair beside me so that the people from the charity shop did not mistake it for a donation. The man was full full of flattery flattery for me. He gave gave me an easy puzzle puzzle,, and gu gush shed ed at my abili ability ty to solve solve it. He admir admired ed my wit and my smile. smile. He wass pleased wa pleased when I did not scoff at his flat earth theory theory.. After After a half half an hour chat, he suggested that he take me out for dinner and a movie, in a strictly stric tly platonic way. way. He mentioned mentioned Westgate, Westgate, which I had a very very vague idea was somewhere near Henderson. Since no one from Auckland had ever before invited me out for the evening, and one had to wonder who would be

57

 

permitted to do so, I agreed. It was obviously another trap. So, despite the enormous effort involved in waiting the on bag, a cold evening after closinguntil time,the when should havearound been in mylibrary sleeping I twiddled my thumbs manI returned to pick me up. He claimed to be a builder, and was slightly older than me. He told me he was once a US marine and CIA agent, that he had studied psychiatry, and that he used to teach cold weather survival tactics, but when I asked exactly what subject matter he had included in his courses he could not recall any detail det ails. s. We ate in the food hall hall at the West Westgate gate mall, which which happene happened d to be a few more kilometres north on the motorway than I had anticipated. My camping baggage was temporarily locked up in a scenic storage unit for construction materials, on a back street near the river, from where I could recover it on our return to Te Atatu in the middle of the night. The American noticed the difficulty I was having putting my trust in him. Heaassured me that was ind good andood he was there toe,protect me like good man. We Idecide dec ided to seehands, a Hollyw Hollywood action action movie, movi which predictably failed the basic diversity tests. The two female characters never said a word to each other, a large number of demure female relatives were slaughtered, and the dark men only spoke a few lines. Laughing that he was too smart to be racist or sexist, my new friend nonetheless loudly cursed the passing brown skinned drivers, stupid people, the Maori, Maori, the Indians, Indians, the Japane Japanese, se, and many many others others.. He joked joked that that he was simply an equal opportunity racist, and constantly pressed me for an alien female perspective, which I could not provide while focusing on keeping my distance. Later on he told jokes about rape, which is to say jokes about me being raped. Having verified my solitary situation, he promised to be my dear friend, offering me bly a small to soup his own where he might mig ht possibly possi heat heatberth up a next can of foron mehis if unfinished I was sick. sick.yacht, He assured assu red me that he was not an abusive man, as if I might well have expected it, but then the n rapidly rapidly develope developed d a habit habit of ignoring ignoring what I said. said. I exp explain lained ed that I was fighting the government, and refusing to be an employee of any kind, so he suggested I spend the next day with him on the building site, passing him tools. He spoke loudly during the movie. At last we agreed agreed on one thing. thing. The world world was overpop overpopulat ulated. ed. Many Many people were being deliberately starved to death. He joked that some people deserved to be murdered, and told me how many men he had killed with his bare hands. After a slow drive home on a back road, which we had to take because the motorway was closed, I was finally reunited with my baggage, without shedding a tear, although I cringed at somehow being responsible for the noisy truck, which no doubt woke up the neighbours. On the other hand, the people in this street were probably not being kept awake twenty four hours

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a day. Finally, without explaining to him that he could never be my friend, I allowed him to drive me to one of my fine weather campsites. Fortunately, the His closest street lamps bright enough me evening’s to pitch tent. s. The cellphon cellphone e had nowere doubt recorded the for entire even ing’smy activities. activitie Thought Police had just spent years training me to be nicer to people, or so they thought, but if I was no longer governed by fear, now they could throw all effort into enraging me. Radicalisation version two. Yet there was no longer fear nor anger. This man was such a fine representative for bigots everywhere, that his performance was probably entirely an act. Strategicall Strategically y, howeve however, r, let us work with the hypothesis hypothesis that he was genuine, whether or not he had been falsely misled by persons unknown as to my own inclin inclinatio ations. ns. Tonigh onight, t, and probably probably only then, then, I could could engage engage him as a Trump voting rival who is nonetheless due respect. One must not give up hope that bigots everywhere might be turned to the other side, if  only they could understand that our survival depends upon it. bought a plastic chessand set in plastic wrapping board would not Ilie flat, played myself, eliminated all pieceswith but athe twothat Kings and a few pawns. Perhaps I would simply follow the usual methodology of women in tricky situations, situat ions, once more cutting all communicat communication ion with the person concerned concerned.. Conveniently, I now had neither a cellphone number nor an email address. But it could be tricky if they knew where you were, or if they were convinced that only they could help you, because other people didn’t understand you. I might resort to a blunt, ”You are not my friend”, but this could hardly be news to someone who had no such illusions in the first place. At least least one thing thing was was clear. Some Some people people still felt free to say and do exactly as they pleased, without any expectation of punishment or displeasure. I have completely forgotten how that feels. By now there is probably akinds Facebook groupWhy entirely devoted to videos of me hanging outialwith of people. be wracked wrack ed by guilt for relatively relati vely trivial triv sins,certain when you can be tortured forever for crimes that you can barely imagine. I wondered if the beasts of eugenics and misogyny usually arose in this way, with people doing the unthinkable not because they believed in it themselves, but because the powers that be wanted to check out what other people thought, and thus put large resources into increasingly elaborate psychological tests, the outcomes of which were later mistaken for reality. I had told the American little about my personal experience with the Thought Police, which I did not totally equate with the CIA or NSA, although the trolls were clearly happy for me to think that white men were the enemy. Whatever enemy you want shall be yours. I was reassured, however, on this evening out, that if anyone threatened me in any way, then he would woul d soon deal with them like a man. In reply, reply, I could only betray betray the true depths of my alleged paranoia, expertly shrugging off the capabilities of any physical army.

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No amount of fighting can save you from this Devil. When there are so many man y spies, even the most privileged privileged torturer torturer will be b e spied upon. Nobody hadIcomplete contr control over ovalone er these surroundings, surroundi ngs, us least of allpower. a tradit traditional king. was relieved toolbe once more. Give people Ifional we refuse slavery, then slavery will end forever, no matter how many previous empires may have have relied upon it. The chessboard chessboard of the dying Earth has been tossed into the air, and kings might fall more sharply to the ground than pawns.

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17.

had not forgotten forgottenthan the ever, diagnosis on authorities, my last medical certificate certificate. . It was nowI more convenient for the especially allowing for daily alterations to the diagnostic criteria in the online manual. Not that I bothered to read it. Luckily, with a rapid surge in mental health problems, they the y would would have have no time to consider consider my case. I was perfect perfectly ly capable capable of  conducting myself reasonably in public, and arguably, in theory, no danger to myself or others. Neither the gas cooker nor the knife had yet been used in my defence. Of course, harrassers regularly approached my tent, especially in the middle of the night, but they were all far too afraid to do anythin anything. g. Howeve However, r, the pointt is, I was always poin always awak awake. e. My enemie enemiess would would obtain more enj enjoy oymen mentt from torturing my brain to death than from killing me quickly. As the forum for psychotics had predicted, there were also those who believ beli eved ed that tortur torturee wo would uld make make me a better better person. person. But I was merely merely stronger, not more good. Strong enough to fight. Now I could see how the Devil creates his own angels. I look looked fond fondly ly ba bacck to th thee prev previo ious us wint winter er.. I had had bee been n walk walkin ingg an impossible tight rope, waiting for the inevitable breakdown, but life was better then than it had been for a long time. Some academics were starting to look at me suspiciously whenever I attended attend ed a professiona professionall seminar where free food foo d was provided. provided. Yet I nev never er went for the food, even if a plateful of fresh fruit was the only nutritious thing I ate all week. With ten dollar bus fares, it wasn’t worth the trip for the food alone. At the public colloquia, however, there was a wider range of  healthy nibbles, and I took to unashamedly standing beside the table, eating as much as I could. Sometimes a hungry student like Chang would join me, and we would dutifully discuss a little mathematics between mouthfuls of  prawn skewers and spring rolls. Mostt of the time I was Mos was ignored. ignored. I usually usually attrib attribute uted d this to a general general disgust of either poverty or insanity, because any more politically acceptable reasons that might exist for this behaviour had never been mentioned to me. Bigots continued to attach themselves to me. After my last mathematics colloquium, colloqui um, a friendly friendly Syrian lady who I had been talking to for half an hour started starte d telling me how dreadful Muslims Muslims were. Sighing, Sighing, I dain daintily tily lifted a large piece of salmon and spinach roll to my mouth, halting my reply in order to chew. As we settled into the Friday cosmology video meeting, which was usually held in Wahi Hui despite technical difficulties, the postdoc Sean created a wikii page wik page to help us sel select ect lectures lectures.. He suggeste suggested d that that all members members of our group should be allowed to add links to the page, but Richard told him sternly that only people who worked in the cosmology group should be

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allowed to decide. Despite Desp ite overwhe overwhelming lming anxiety, anxiety, I treasured treasured the brief moments moments when I cou could ld talk in to the Chang. Cha ng. Heofhad studie studied dgravity comput computer er science, scien and seemed see quite interested version quantum that I hadce, worked onmed for many ye years ars.. I despai despaired red that I had forgotte forgotten n almost almost everyth everything ing,, and yet those memories were more rigid than those from my past real life, which was like a dream. Theore The oretic tical al Physi Physics cs function functionss best in teams teams of tw twoo or three. three. For ten years, I had been desperately clinging to the hope of future professional collaborations, not for the sake of socialisation, but desiring productivity. Mike had understood this. Only Mike. Richard’s team had recently been awarded money by an international fund for Theoretical Physics, to study the role of quantum mechanics in the early universe. universe. At the Monday meetings, meetings, he would often mention mention the availability of new funding, pointing out that it was perhaps appropriate for some in the of room. He was not looking at me. payphone A people great source irritatio irritation n was the disappearing payphones. s. Not that it really mattered anymore, because the Thought Police would know if you tri tried ed to use one. By the end of 2016, I finally finally had enough enough money money to buy a phone phone card. card. And then I found found that the last remain remaining ing Te Te Atatu phone phone would develop strange errors whenever I approached. This could, I suppose,  just be the way things are, except that my public library computer account displayed similar tendencies. On the first homeless night in Te Atatu, my chosen campsite looked like public land, because there was no fence separating the nearby house from the estuary. In the late afternoon, a man and woman came over to my new tentt from the house. ten house. They said I would would have to move, move, because this was their private property. They suggested I move around the corner to a beach, but the beaches on the tip of the peninsula are tidal, as they must have known. In the morning, a woman from the house opposite yelled rudely at me from her veranda veranda as I crawled my way back back up the street. When I reached the town centre, centre, a man offered to give me a lift somewhere somewhere else and a woman woman came out of her house to ask me if I was lost. Also popular is the advice on which charities to approch for help. One evening a lovely woman volunteered to cook me dinner, coincidentally just after I had told someone to give food to beggars, and that night I devoured a plate of her son’s homemade chicken and mushroom pasta, after which I got food poisoning. I did meet one thoughtful neighbour, a few days before Christmas, on the park seat beside my forest camp. On Christmas day day she came around around to the camp with lunch and a bag of desserts and chocolate. One day an older older neigh neighbour bour politely politely in inter terrup rupted ted my solitud solitude. e. He demanded my life’s story, and told me that he used to work for the police, as if this this ought ought to encour encourage age respect respect and trust. trust. Then Then he started started visitin visitingg my forest camp every morning, uninvited at least by me, invading my privacy

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in a ve very ry uncomfor uncomfortabl tablee wa way y. After After he crept crept up behind behind me in the street street,, while I was struggling struggling with the empty empty shopping shopping trolley, trolley, I hinted hinted rudely that I could deal with things alone.police officers have disturbed the sanctuary of  Since then, only uniformed my tent’s interior, unless one counts the physical assault, that coincidentally happened the night after my last day at the University. Yet I would would have to remain in Te Atatu. Atatu. I had grown quite fond of the place. From the reserve overlooking the harbour I could view Maungawhau, Mountt Eden, one of my own mountains. Moun mountains. Now I was a safe distance distance away away. From the summer summer solsti solstice, ce, I ha have ve watc watched hed the sunris sunrisee mo move ve north north from from Maungawhau, across the city and Rangitoto, towards its winter home. Years of camping and mountaineering experience counted for little now. My cognitive and short term memory problems were so severe that I could barely bar ely tie the fly onto the tent tent poles. poles. A knot knot that wou would ld once have have tak taken en second sec ondss would take take minutes minutes to get right right.. I fumbled fumbled at every every stage. stage. The cheap pegs Iwould the poles would split. triparound over almost every time stoodbend up. Ifand I didn’t continuously scanI would the space me, I would forget what I was doing or leave something behind. And I could not possibly ask anyone for help. The birds came to know me. The pukeko pukeko discover discovered ed that the Tent Tent Lady was a likely source of bread and fruit, and came knocking on my door. The sparrows sparrows and blackbirds blackbirds shrieked shrieked nearby. nearby. And my favourite favourite little piwakawaka would occasionally rest momentarily on a branch by my face, smiling at me. To many Te Atatu walkers, this is glorious nature. Not to me. The city forest, although maybe a thousand times more lush than its counterparts els elsewh ewhere ere,, is not a liv living ing forest. forest. This This is not the Earth Earth you need to save save.. Seagull Sea gullss and pets scave scavenge nge on to toxic xic human human waste. waste. The forest forest floor is a carpet of plastic, loved only by the ants. On these hills, no grand kea would ever command the sky.

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18.

JJ the so astrophysicist assured me that theback Monday would continue, one Mondayhad in late January I went to themeetings University for the second second last time. As was my habit, I arriv arrived ed early and stood outsid outsidee Wahi Hui. This time I was accompanied by the baggage, figuring I could get away with it just this once, perhaps tucking it behind the door once Sarah opened up the room. A young physicist came out of the office across the narrow corridor. He as ask ked me if I was was th ther eree for for th thee as astr trop ophy hysi sics cs meet meetin ing. g. I nodde nodded, d, an and d he told me that an email had been sent around the previous week, to cancel the meeting meeting.. I thank thanked ed him for being helpful helpful,, smiling smiling sweetl sweetly y as I stood underneath under neath the sign which which demanded demanded Zero Tolerance olerance for Discriminatio Discrimination. n. Then he repeated what he had just said, as if I must have somehow misheard, because I was not immediately rushing rushing away away towards towards the lifts. I thanked him again, again, sti still ll smiling. smiling. It was now five minutes minutes to the hour, hour, and I might might as well stand there and wait to see if anyone showed up. Clearly Clearl y nobody had emailed Sarah about the cancelled meeting, meeting, because she came out of her office to open the door to Wahi Hui just before 9am. Once again, I found myself sitting alone at the table for half an hour, being at peace in the space, space, as if it was was still mine. The schedu schedule le posted on the door had returned to its original sparse state, looking just like it had six months earlier. When my time was up, I dragged the luggage as quietly as possible out the door without speaking to anyone, and went home. Keeping my appointment with JJ, I returned to the University one final Monday in late February. I sat through the astrophysics meeting, surprised that my mind was was able to focus on the subject sub ject matter. matter. When the meeting meeting ended, I summoned all my strength to approach JJ and remind him about my situation. situation. Richard Richard Easther Easther was sitting next to him. It was agreed that the three of us should talk in Richard’s office nearby, and so there we went. No doubt the University follows numerous mysterious protocols in its priv pri vate meetings. meetings. If the computer computer was offline, offline, I presum presumed ed this this ind indica icated ted some attempt at privacy, but being well accustomed now to the general lack of secure electronic devices, it was a safe bet that every conversation on campuss had eavesdrop campu eavesdroppers. pers. Which Which was an interesting interesting situation. situation. Because Because it was slowly becoming clear that the University might be quite keen on keeping the lid on its operations. Only there was no way it could. Although I now took it for granted that the Thought Police were ever present, I did not speak to the computer rather than the people in the room, as I might might ha have ve done before. before. Now Now I could could be mysel myselff again. again. Forgett orgetting ing all dreams, I could now focus on the single task of recovering my library access. JJ sat down beside me for moral support, but I was well aware that Richard Ric hard made the decisions. decisions. Richard Richard told me there could be no academic academic

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position for me, and that I was entirely to blame for this, because I had been rude to Lucy and Kate, on the one sad occasion that I had spoken to them Peo eopl plee an lik likeeAssociate me were werestatus no nott enti enwas title tled d to librar librbut ary y previous acce access ss.. Iexperience was was th then en toldthem. that. perhaps possible, had shown shown this this would would preve prevent nt journa journall access access,, which which cove covered red the bulk bulk of  my reading reading interests. interests. In fact, without academic support, support, I could not even participate partic ipate actively in the astrophysics astrophysics meetings, let alone continue continue with research. Richard insisted that library access was not a   fundamental  right.   right. Al Alth thou ough gh I had had been been expec expectin tingg all th this is,, sinc sincee my last last meet meetin ingg with with Krauss Kra ussko kopf, pf, I was stunned stunned into silence silence.. There There was no more denyin denyingg the presence of Boko Haram. Modern universities, perhaps merely in their zeal to cooperate with business, but perhaps also for more murky reasons, were pouring centuries of enlightenment egalitarianism down the drain. For someone of my background, library access was far more important than food and shelter, shelte r, which I had often forgone for its sake. And if I was not allowed allowed to read physics journals, my experiences in the public library gave me a good idea of what information other people were were not being allowed allowed to access. access. And that  is   is the heart of slavery. The press bemoaned the sorry state of adult literacy in New Zealand. The government regularly put forward proposals for community funding to tackle the problem. It was eeriely reminiscent of the community budgeting counsellor schemes, which operated on the assumption that poor people were too stupid to figure out a household budget, and clearly required assistance in being evicted from their homes. Relenting a little, in a gesture of generosity in the face of my despair, Richard said he would see what the Department could do, and he said I was welcome to attend the astrophysics meetings. There was no mention of  cosmology or theoretical physics. Now it is all my fault if I walk away. And walk away I did, quickly but calmly, ignoring calmly, ignoring JJ’s futile apologies. Time to get off this merry-go-rou merry-go-round, nd, once and for all.

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19.

The brain is hard wired to pay attention to certain disturbances, including any noise that sounds like a threat. Once you are isolated, you can easily be conditioned to react to a given trigger sound. After you hear this sound at night for several weeks, as you move from campsite to campsite, there is no longer a shread of doubt that it is threatening threatening.. Then they play play the sound all night long. When I vacated the Te Atatu house, my biggest concern was enforced sleep depriv deprivation. ation. As I had learned in New Lynn, nothing will destroy the mind as quickly. The night sounds have carried on almost every night for the last four months, until a few days ago. I am guessing that by now many neighbours must have noticed the problem, since people use the walking track at all hours.. I think I have hours have been b een hearing nighttime nighttime confrontations confrontations between between these abuserss and the police, abuser police, but this may we well ll be halluc hallucina ination tions, s, and I ha have ve spoken to no one about it. Although I try hard to ignore the conversations of adults near my tent, I do miss children. Three boys stopped on the track near the tent and yelled to see if an anyo yone ne was inside. inside. I raced raced to open the back back door and say hel hello. lo. Two of the boys immediately ran screaming up the hill, but the third one smiled smi led and called called them them back. back. They They asked asked a few questio questions, ns, about where I got food and my tent, and went away satisfied. A few months ago, the Te Atatu policeman George came around to the garden garde n campsite with a colleague. colleague. George George reminded me that supermarket supermarket trolleys should not be used outside the supermarket carpark boundary. His colleague remarked that an attack on my campsite was only a matter of  time. tim e. I told him I would would do my best to defend defend myself, myself, with the knife and the cooking utensils, which I figured they could not easily take from me. I was was at the garden garden campsi campsite te again again th this is week. week. It is th thee best best spot spot in winter, with shelter from the wind in every direction. The grass here is flat, and there is the security of the upper windows of the houses along the street, beyond the hedge. Unfortunately, as the council man once told me, some homeowners object to homeless people blocking their garden views. A new policeman came over to the tent to tell me to move, and he threatened me with fines or an arrest. I told him to fuck fuck off, that that this this was my new home. home. You see, in a people’s people’s revolution, an arbitrary arrest of a victim would in principle work for our cause, and I don’t think the police will risk it. Sure enough, I stayed in the garden for a couple of days and the policeman did not return. It seems the police have taken over the University’s job of keeping me in line, or dead. Only I’m not falling for the same old tricks any more. When the Church man came, he offered me some sanitary napkins, which I did

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not need, having just purchased purchased some from the supermarket. supermarket. He mentioned mentioned the availability of breakfasts and showers in Henderson, but the Te Atatu situat situation ion isthey clearly clearlwill y preferable prefe rable. I know carry on. like this, trying to put me in my place. Some of them actual actually ly believe believe they they are helping helping.. Maybe Maybe I will start start ch charg arging ing for my time, time, at the going going rate rate of five hundre hundred d dollars dollars an hou hour. r. In Novem November ber I told Facebook, one last time, outrageously, that I needed two thousand dollars a week to live and study, which is completely true because I must factor in security security and office costs. You help me get that, or you watch watch me die. You get no other options. The nasty old neighbour started haunting my favourite spots in the communit mu nity y centre centre,, while while I was there. there. I’m pretty pretty certain certain he never never we went nt there before. befo re. This This kind kind of activi activity ty is also also part part of the genocid genocidee plan, because because it pretends an innocence that other forms of bullying cannot, and it deliberately targets something something of value to solitary people, our peaceful peaceful spaces. The University Universit y dramas have have a similar characteris characteristic, tic, traumatising traumatising me in very very precise locations that have been a comfort to me, forcing me to move on. Two or three times a week I go for breakfast at the local cafe. I prop my suitcase against the wall of the neighbouring shop, close to my outdoor table. Before my french toast, I like to have a fresh pot of Earl Grey tea, which comes com es as I sit doing the crossw crossword ord and sudoku sudoku puzzles puzzles.. After After breakf breakfast ast,, I often go across the road to the community centre, to sit on a sofa and either write wri te or read. read. My short term memory memory has improve improved d a lot since since I started started eating again, but without practise, my communication skills will continue to wane. I did not lose touch with people. The few friends friends I hav havee are important to me. But it gets harder and harder to visit Kerie and Allan. I don’t laugh at Kerie’s humour any more, and my cooking ability is not what it was. We all grow old. By the time I left the house in Te Atatu, the only mail that remained were my mother’s letters. I phoned my mother late in 2016, and told her to start sending her letters to the Department of Mathematics instead. I have no idea whether or not she sends them any more. I have lost the desire and the fear of killing myself, legitimately to end the pain. I lost my fear of starvation long, long ago. But I will probably not surviv sur vivee lon longg without without books. It is no now w seven seven months months since since I ha have ve accesse accessed d  journals at the University University library and, after an initial spurt in camp, I have given up trying to read in the tent. My mind is deteriorating due to the lack of movement and mental stimulation.. I realise that by giving up what few contacts ulation contacts I was permitted, permitted, my circumstances have been pushed even further into a manipulated isolation. I have to keep my eyes on my belongings at all times, not for fear of theft, but because because I might might well forget forget what I am doing. doing. I don’t talk to the doctor about my memory and cognitive problems, because I don’t want to be

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dragged away and locked up. Probably that will happen in the end anyway, when whe n I lose lose contro control. l. I am we weani aning ng mysel myselff off the psyc psychiat hiatric ric medicatio medication, n, evenOne though insomnia itself is killing me. day Ithe accidentally knocked a supermarket trolley that was standing on the footpath, without having seen it at all, and watched hopelessly as it rol rolled led toward towardss a parke parked d car. car. I carrie carried d on walking walking with my heavy heavy load, no longer young enough to drop everything in order to dive and stop the trolley trolle y. A man, a complete complete stranger, stranger, happened to be in the car. He chased chased me down the road, and when I turned to look at him, he screamed that I had delibera deliberately tely dented dented his bonnet. bonnet. He was going going to call the police. I told him to fuck off too. The daily daily newspa newspaper per regula regularly rly contai contains ns reports reports from from happy happy experts experts,, about abuse, homelessness homelessness,, high suicide suicide rates and corruption. corruption. Very occasionally, the editor permits a few comments from someone who has concrete experience with such things, so long as they don’t say anything that might threaten people’s faith in the status quo. Aotearoa, Aotea roa, a wonderfu wonderfull country country.. We are supposed to be grateful grateful for five dollar parcels of junk we do not need. We are told to turn our lives around, as if we are to blame for other people’s corruption. We are expected to look in awe upon neoliberal riches and play our ambitious part, pretending we cannot see the dying land. Farewell to all that. The blind woman is coming, and she will show the people what the Devil has done.