Flirting Mastery Martin Merril
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This report is copyright 2006 with all rights reserved. Do not steal in part or in whole any information contained herein. You may not copy or distribute. Mr. Merrill devotes a lot of his time hunting down any copyright offenders both online and offline. If anyone breaks the rule stated above, Mr. Merrill will have his attorneys contact the offender(s) in person. In addition, readers of this report must understand that the information in this book is an opinion as opposed to any legal or personal advice, and Mr. Merrill is not responsible for any of the readers’ behaviors.
Flirting as a science Flirting exists in all human societies and is our basic instinct pertaining to the survival of our species, and I’m not exaggerating here. Think for a moment, if humans didn’t initiate contacts to the opposite sex for reproduction purposes, we wouldn’t have come this far. Some even proclaim that every single piece of our civilization is but a manifestation of our eagerness to please or charm the opposite sex. In each society, the rules of flirting are not in textbook form. We learn different ways of flirting through trial and error. Flirting to most people is a common sense and intuitive activity, but it needn’t be.
Studies have shown that women tend to be more skilled at informal social conversation than men, but men can also easily learn to be just as skilled in the art of conversation. And men who take the trouble to improve these skills have a definite advantage in the flirting stakes. And here I’m going to show you the way to master the art of flirting.
Where to flirt Why don’t you flirt with the widow at a funeral? Apart from social and emotional reasons, you know you’ll never succeed because the other party is in no mood for flirting. That’s also why you don’t flirt in a sales meeting. So choose somewhere people accept flirting as a common activity.
Party It’s one of the situations where a different set of social norms come into play. Flirting is almost expected and can get pretty competitive. The technical term is called cultural remission.
Clubs, pubs, discos, wine bars Alcohol seems to always pair up with sex. And it generally has a positive effect on both the appropriateness and effects of flirting. In fact, many couples, married or unmarried, met in pubs. But as we know, in such situation there are a set of rules governing flirtatious behaviors as well. In a pub, the closer to the counter, the more acceptable flirting is; the further, the more privacy a woman desires to have.
Hobbies Yoga, swimming, tennis class… Go to where women tend to gather for entertainment reasons. If you go to a wrestling match, don’t expect to get a lot of flirting. An interesting phenomenon you need to be aware of is that flirting tends to work on less competitive, social participants. In other words, avoid those “achievers” (they probably go to the classes for professional reasons) and seek happy “under-achievers”
Flirting mentality The most important rule: She’s not the prize. You are. In other words, don’t act if it were a privilege to flirt with a woman, no matter how pretty she is. Flirting should be fun. If you find it hard to treat the awkwardness or nervousness arising from flirting in certain situations, treat it as an interesting experience and detach yourself from the results. You’re bound to get rejections, but remember: It’s just a numbers game. The problem with reluctance or fear to flirting is not only a slim chance with the kind of women you want but also the loss of fun experimenting with women.
How to flirt A very famous statistic tells us that a woman’s initial impression of a man is based 55% on body-language, 38% tonality (style of speaking), and only 7% on the actual words. In fact, it’s technically possible and feasible to flirt without words. You posture, gestures, facial expressions are “worth a thousand words”. And there are many variations you can have on any non-verbal cue. For example, the firmness, speed, duration of a gesture during flirting all affect the perception of the woman as well as the final outcome. So let’s discuss them in sequence.
Eye contact Eyes are called the window of the soul for a reason. In a crowd of strangers, most people will avoid eye contacts with others as it is such direct and disturbing confrontations. In a flirting situation, however, eye contacts are especially powerful emotion transmitters. In a fraction of a second, your eye contact reflects your level of confidence, comfort, and interest. Eye contact is an effective way to initiate connection between men and women, if the eye contact is long enough. You have to start making
eye contacts early enough and hold them long enough to make them work. And experiments have shown that by merely looking into each other’s eyes long enough, two people can fall in love without even talking to each other. That’s the kind of power you can leverage (and not waste). Once you have started talking to a woman, look at her face about three-quarters of the time she’s talking. She will look at you for less than half this time. When she has finished speaking and expects a response, she will look at you and make brief eye contact. And that’s the most effective moment when you should smile and gaze deeply into her eyes to show your understanding. Don’t overdo the eye contact in a premature attempt to increase intimacy. Staring blatantly at a woman’s face will make her uncomfortable, and may send misleading signals.
Posture Most men are able to maintain an expression of polite interest but not the unconscious posture indicating otherwise. This is known as nonverbal leakage. When flirting, watch out for signs of non-verbal leakage in a woman’s posture and send the right signals with your own posture. You can tell a lot from the smallest details of the change of her posture. Even just the feet starting to turn and point away can be a sign to go elsewhere.
Gestures During flirting, the amount of gesticulation, the directions of the gestures and the co-ordination of gestures can indicate the degree of interest and involvement your partner feels towards you. Adopt useful and polite gestures such as: ¾ Shifting your hands or head slightly at the end of sentences, using downward hand movements to emphasize a point ¾ Projecting what you are saying towards your partner by open-palm hand movements Nodding can have huge conversations: ¾ Single, brief nods indicate attentiveness ¾ Double nods will change the rate at which the woman speaks ¾ Single, slow nods often interrupt the flow altogether, confusing her Avoid gestures which indicate anxiety and nervousness, such as handclasping movements and palm-rubbing.
Facial expression Being able to interpret the facial expressions of women improves your chances of success in flirting as well as your ability to express yourself. Some expressions can be effective even from a distance. For example, if you are desperate to attract the attention of a charming stranger across a crowded party, you could try an eyebrow-flash.
If an attractive woman smiles at you, it could be that he or she finds you attractive, but it could also be her habitual action, which is not particularly meaningful. Your face should be constantly informative during a flirtatious conversation. Never keep a blank, unchanging face which is interpreted as lack of interest or being boring. Wink at her. This creates a strong sense of intimacy and shows a certain confidence. Few men actually do this, which also makes you stand out among the crowd. Most women will just remember you by the fact that you winked at them after, perhaps, cracking an appropriate joke.
Touch Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. Even the most fleeting touch can have a dramatic impact on our perceptions and relationships. When flirting, it is appropriate touching can help to advance the relationship, vice versa. The arm is the safest place to touch a woman. Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a brief social encounter between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produced much more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the arm.
Back pats are equally non-sexual, but are often perceived as patronizing or overbearing. If your companion finds you likeable or attractive, a brief arm-touch should prompt some reciprocal increase in intimacy. If you see or hear signs of a positive reaction to your arm-touch, you can, after a reasonable interval, try another arm-touch, this time slightly less fleeting. If this results in a further escalation of verbal or non-verbal intimacy from your companion, you might consider moving to the next stage: a hand-touch. Highly positive reactions to a second hand-touch, such as a definite and unambiguous attempt to move closer to you, reciprocal handtouching would probably mean it’s time to go to the next stage. The next stages might involve a hand-squeeze or hand-hold, repeated twice before moving on to an arm over the shoulders, or perhaps a brief knee-touch. However, perform each touch twice before progressing to the next level, as this is the safest and most acceptable manner during flirting.
Tonality The corny “it’s not what you say but how you say it” still holds true. Attraction and interest, for example, are communicated much more by the tone of voice than by what is actually said. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and pitch, even a simple phrase can convey opposite emotions.
When flirting, remember that the intonation of even a single word can communicate an immense variety of emotions and meanings. As an experiment, try practicing variations in your intonation of the simple responses such as “yeah”, “okay”, “that’s alright”,
and so on.
You’ll be able to attract much more attention through you ability to express emotion and feeling in your voice.
Reciprocal disclosure One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is the exchange of personal information, technically called reciprocal disclosure Keep in mind that most innocent exchange of information such a liking of the weather or a certain food is a definite step towards intimacy. If a woman discloses some such detail, you should reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information about yourself. And if a woman likes you, she will probably “match” your disclosure with one of similar value. Here are my general flirting tips:
Do’s ¾ Use flattery ¾ Say “Hello” with energy ¾ Make immediate, direct eye contact ¾ Repeat the woman’s name ¾ Ask “no one ever asked me that before!” questions
¾ Have something to say by keeping up-to-date ¾ Whisper ¾ Wear, bring, or carry something unusual ¾ Limit the amount of time you flirt ¾ Be prepared, both physically and emotionally. ¾ Be a good listener ¾ Go out of your way to meet new people ¾ Learn when not to say anything ¾ Cut back on the malicious gossip)
Don’ts ¾ Don't depend on others to make things happen ¾ Don't tease (i.e. offering more than you intend to give) ¾ Don't cling ¾ Don't dwell on your performance ¾ Don't fidget ¾ Don't let past rejections cloud your judgment or make you paranoid about an interaction going on right now (that's fair to neither of you).