First Date (Libretto)

FIRST DATE the musical

Book by Austin Winsberg Music & Lyrics by Alan Zachary & Michael Weiner

September 28, 2012

CAST BREAKDOWN (4 M / 3 W) (in order of appearance)

MAN #1 / JEWISH CHORUS / GABE / YOUTUBE / EDGY ROCKER GUY / GILBERTO WOMAN #1 / GRANDMA IDA / LAUREN / FACEBOOK / AARON'S MOTHER MAN #2 / REGGIE / AARON'S FUTURE SON / EBAY / EDGY BRITISH GUY WOMAN #2 / JEWISH CHORUS / ALLISON / GOOGLE LADY / REGGIE'S MOM MAN #3 / WAITER / CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER / BLAZE / TWITTER / FRIENDLY THERAPIST AARON CASEY

As the audience files into the theatre, they will see a WHITE SCRIM covering the stage. In the middle of the scrim is a LARGE HEART with the words “FIRST DATE” written inside in cheesy, romantic letters. MUSIC CUE: I HATE FIRST DATES Once the music starts, two small, ANIMATED LOVE BIRDS start to fly across the scrim. Spinning and dancing all around each other. Two joyous creatures totally in love... EVERYONE (OFFSTAGE) WHEN YOU FIND YOUR HEART'S TRUE LOVE IT'S LIKE A GIFT FROM FATE BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND SUCH LOVE WITHOUT THE PAINFUL, HELL ON EARTH THAT'S KNOWN AS THE "FIRST DATE"... Very quickly - we hear a GUNSHOT. One bird goes down. The first bird looks around for their lover. After a quick beat - another GUNSHOT. Then - the second bird falls as well. The scrim separates in the middle - splitting apart the heart. Reveal - a lush New York skyline. This is the city in all its glory. FIVE HIP YOUNG NEW YORKERS all mill about the stage - each dressed for a night out on the town. None of them are excited about it. MAN #1 WILL SHE THINK I'M TOO SHORT? WOMAN #1 WILL HE NOTICE MY THIGHS? MAN #2 PERFECT TIME FOR A GIANT ZIT - SHIT! MAN #3 SHOULD I OPEN HER DOOR? WOMAN #2 I CAN'T BREATHE IN THESE SPANX!

2. MAN #1 WILL SHE SEE THAT I CAN'T COMMIT? MAN #3 KEEP IT COOL, I.B.S.! WOMAN #1 TOO MUCH BOOB IN THIS DRESS? WOMAN #2 WILL HE GUESS THAT I LIE 'BOUT MY AGE? MAN #2 AND WHEN DO I ADMIT THAT I'VE NEVER HAD SEX? THAT MOMENT IS SO HARD TO GAUGE... EVERYONE I HATE FIRST DATES ALL THE ANGST AND DESPAIR I HATE FIRST DATES WORKING OUT WHAT TO WEAR. WOMAN #1 & #2 EACH HAIR I TWEEZE OFFERS NO GUARANTEES EVERYONE THAT TRUE LOVE'S NOT A LIE YEAH, THAT'S THE REASON WHY... I HATE FIRST DATES. I HATE FIRST DATES. WOMAN #1 HOPE HE'S NOT INTO SPORTS MAN #2 WILL SHE CARE I DID PORN? WOMAN #2 DO I BOTHER TO SHAVE MY LEGS? MAN #3 SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE GYM WOMAN #1 SHOULD'VE GOT A FAKE TAN WOMAN #2 JUST NEED DECENT SPERM FOR MY EGGS. MEN BRING SOME PEPTO IN CASE

3. WOMEN BRING THAT SPRAY CAN OF MACE EVERYONE JUST EMBRACE THAT YOU HAVE TO STAY ZEN WOMAN #1 BUT LAST WEEK I WENT OUT WITH SOME FREAK... AND HIS MOM... AND HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND GUS I'M NOT SURE I CAN DO THIS AGAIN... EVERYONE I HATE FIRST DATES WAIT, DID I CHECK MY BREATH? - HAH HAH They all put a hand to their mouths and check their breaths. EVERYONE I HATE FIRST DATES HIDING I'M BORED TO DEATH I FORCE A SMILE AS I SIT THERE ON TRIAL MAN #2 AND KISS MY NIGHT GOODBYE SO MANY REASONS WHY I HATE FIRST DATES. I HATE FIRST DATES!

EVERYONE

CRAZY THINGS I'VE HEARD EVERY STUPID WORD WOMAN #2 LOSERS WITH NO CLASS UNEXPECTED GAS

MAN #3

WOMEN DISAPPOINTMENTS, REJECTIONS MEN ACCIDENTAL ERECTIONS MAN #1 & WOMAN #1 ALL THE PRESSURE, THE TRAUMA THE PERPETUAL DRAMA

MAN #2 & WOMAN #2

4. EVERYONE THE BITCHES, THE MORONS, THE PERVERTS, THE DICKS THE ONES WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE THEIR PROFILE PICS I'M SAYING GOODBYE BEFORE I SAY HELLO

MAN #3 MAN #3 & WOMAN #2

WOMAN #1 BUT WHEN I’M ASKED OUT, I STILL GO BECAUSE I KNOW...

EVERYONE The stage becomes a rather cool, friendly, West Village gastropub-type bar/restaurant. There’s a restaurant entrance upstage right, a small coat check, and then a few stairs which take you down into the restaurant itself. Downstage there is a bar counter with stools. And there are several small tables set up around the space. Our various MEN and WOMEN start to take their places within the restaurant as they sing. Man #1 and Woman #1 (and Man #2 and Woman #2) start to become two “couples” meeting up at the restaurant.

EVERYONE THAT ONE FIRST DATE MAY BE ALL THAT I NEED A GREAT FIRST DATE WHO KNOWS WHERE THAT COULD LEAD? AN EPIC FAIL OR THE WHOLE FAIRY TALE WON’T KNOW UNLESS I TRY SO I SUFFER AND I SIGH HOPING FATE WILL SOON SUPPLY SOMEONE WHO'LL FORCE ME TO DENY I HATE FIRST DATES! AND WITH SOME LUCK, THIS NEXT FIRST DATE WON’T REALLY SUCK FORGET THE PAST HERE’S HOPING THAT THIS NEXT FIRST DATE WILL BE MY LAST! The two couples should now be seated at two separate tables.

5. Man #3 becomes the WAITER - early 40’s, straight talking, seen it all, man’s man. Into the restaurant comes AARON, 30ish, charming, conservative, wearing glasses and dressed in a suit with black loafers. He nervously looks around the room for somebody. Not seeing them, he heads to the bar where he is approached by the waiter. (Note: Throughout the show, the waiter and various patrons in the restaurant will also double as other characters that emerge from the minds of AARON and CASEY, our two lead characters on the date. In instances where the waiter and patrons take on other personas, NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS is actually physically present in the restaurant. They are just imagined manifestations in the heads of our two leads.) WAITER Are you waiting for a table? AARON Uhm... I don’t know. Probably have to see how the “drinks” portion of the evening goes first. Wouldn’t wanna be too presumptuous, know what I mean? The waiter can tell Aaron is rather onedge. WAITER Can I get you something while you wait? Beer? Vodka? Xanax? AARON Uh, sure. I’ll have a beer. Does that sound right? Yeah, give me a beer. Thanks. Do you care what kind?

WAITER

AARON Something on tap. In a big glass. A big, manly glass... The waiter goes behind the bar and pours Aaron a beer. WAITER So... this a first date?

6.

Is it that obvious?

AARON

WAITER You got pretty dressed up for it, didn’t you? AARON I thought the suit would make me seem impressive and/or distinguished. Am I wrong? WAITER Honestly? I think it’s making you seem desperate and/or douche-y. But maybe I’m wrong... AARON What am I supposed to do?! She’s going to be here any second! WAITER Okay, relax. Just lose the tie. Pop the collar a little... Aaron quickly takes off his tie and shoves it in his pocket. He unbuttons the top button on his shirt. And, uhh, try this!

WAITER The waiter jams Aaron’s hands into a pitcher of water on the bar. He makes Aaron mess up his own hair. The waiter then assesses Aaron.

How do I look?!

AARON

WAITER I ain’t Picasso, kid. But at least we’re now headed in the right direction... The waiter grabs the pitcher and takes off as Aaron tries get comfortable. After a beat, CASEY, also 30-ish, funky, pretty, a little too coollooking for Aaron, rushes into the restaurant. She seems a bit frazzled as she crosses down the stairs and looks around the room. The waiter approaches her at the entrance. Can I help you?

WAITER

7. CASEY Yeah, has anyone come in who supposedly “looks like Brad Pitt?” WAITER You must be the other half of the first date. CASEY Yep - that’s me. And I guess that means he’s already here. WAITER You say that like it’s a bad thing. CASEY Well, judging from past experience, it’s never a good sign when the dude’s... (almost like a bad word) ... punctual. All right. So where is he? Lay him on me. WAITER You mean, “Brad?” I believe he’s waiting for you at the bar. Casey cranes her neck to look at Aaron, who faces away from her - trying to find a “cool” and “casual” stance for himself at the bar. It isn’t working. And clearly this guy does NOT look anything like Brad Pitt. CASEY Oh, boy. Bring me a shot of something strong, will you? (on second thought) And a chaser of something even stronger... Casey approaches Aaron at the bar.

Hi.

CASEY (trying to be peppy) Aaron turns and face Casey.

Oh, hi. Are you--

AARON

CASEY Casey. And you must be-Aaron. That’s me.

AARON He jumps out of his seat to say hello. But he’s not sure whether to shake her hand or hug her.

8. AARON I’m sorry. Not quite sure of the protocol on this. Is this a hug-like situation? A handshake? Fist bump? You tell me... CASEY Why don’t we just start with the handshake and see where it goes from there. Fair enough.

AARON Aaron shakes her hand. He then tries to turn it into a fist bump with his hand then exploding backward. Casey’s not into it.

CASEY What is that? What are you doing? AARON I don’t know. I’m an idiot. Wanna sit? Casey nods. She grabs the seat next to him at the bar. AARON So... can I get you a drink? CASEY Oh, I already ordered two on the way in... Thanks. (re: his drink) And what are you drinking? AARON Nothin’ special. Just a little brewski... CASEY (displeased) Did you just say “brewski?” AARON I sure did. But, if it makes you feel any better, I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth... Aaron takes a big sip of his beer. CASEY You okay, Aaron? You seem a little nervous... AARON Do I? Sorry. It’s just... (then; explaining) I don’t go on a lot of blind dates. This is actually, kinda, most definitely, my first.

9.

For real?

CASEY

AARON ‘Fraid so. So, if I seem a little nervous it’s only because... I am. CASEY Well, stop it. Because the more nervous you get... (with a smile) ... the more I just want to make a mad dash for the door. Casey takes off her jacket - revealing a low-cut top and a kick-ass body underneath. There’s also a rather large Chinese tattoo on her wrist. Aaron notices but tries his best not to stare. The waiter comes back over. One shot for the lady. Thank you.

WAITER CASEY Casey casually downs the shot and hands the glass back to him.

WAITER And one cocktail for the lady... And a thank you...

CASEY The waiter takes off.

AARON What was that all about? CASEY It’s called “taking the edge off.” Maybe you should try it, BDV. Could loosen you up. BDV?

AARON

CASEY Blind date virgin. That’s my new nickname for you. You mind it? AARON I mean, I’d prefer something like “A-dawg” or “Aar-bear”, but-

10. CASEY (cutting him off) Good. Now... BDV? Can I ask you a question? AARON Why not? I’m an open book. Ask me anything you want. CASEY If you’ve never been on one of these before - why go on one now? AARON Well, if you want to know the truth, your sister, Lauren-CASEY Yes, I’m aware of her name... AARON Right. Well, her husband, Kevin, said you were really cute and I’d be an “absolute moron” to pass this up. So I decided to take a risk and listen to him. And you? CASEY Lauren said you look like Brad Pitt. Aaron laughs. MUSIC CUE: FIRST IMPRESSIONS CASEY So, do you agree with Kevin? About what?

AARON

CASEY (playful; kinda mocking) Am I “really cute?” AARON What? You can’t just ask me that! CASEY Why not? You said you were an “open book.” So... am I? Aaron thinks about this for a second. Then turns out to the audience and starts singing. Casey remains rather frozen, looking at the place where Aaron just was as he sings. AARON SHE'S A LITTLE ARTSY. SHE'S HIP AND COOL. SHE'S JUST LIKE ALL THOSE GIRLS

11. THAT IGNORED ME ALL THROUGH SCHOOL. SHE'S KINDA INDIE AND PRETTY HOT SHE'S A LOT LIKE ALL THE THINGS THAT I AM NOT. THERE'S SOME ASIAN SYMBOL TATOOED ON HER WRIST SHE’S GOT THE KIND OF LOOK THAT SAYS, “HELLO, WORLD, I’M PISSED.” SHE'S SORT OF HOSTILE HER GUNS ARE DRAWN IS IT WEIRD OR JUST SCREWED UP THAT I'M TURNED ON? BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION I MIGHT BE TOTALLY WRONG IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION AND MAYBE SHE'S A... STUFFY AND CONSERVATIVE WAY UPTIGHT GIRL WHO'S STILL A VIRGIN NEVER GOES PAST SECOND BASE SUPPRESSING EVERY SINGLE URGE UNTIL SHE MARCHES DOWN THE AISLE AND FIN'LLY TIES THE KNOT SHE COULD WANT A GIANT FAMILY AND BE AN OP’RA DEVOTEE HELL, EVEN HAVE A PHD! YES, THAT'S WHO SHE COULD BE I'm waiting?

CASEY

AARON Uhm, yes. You're very... pleasant looking. CASEY (annoyed) Pleasant looking? AARON No, I mean - attractive? Desirable? Stunningly beautiful? How about “d.” All of the above? And what about me? (then; playful) Would you call the Brad Pitt description accurate? Casey thinks about this for a second. Then turns to the audience and starts singing. Aaron holds his position, looking at where she just was. CASEY HE'S A LITTLE AVERAGE. AND OVERDRESSED

12. HE'S GOT THE KIND OF VIBE THAT SAYS, “LOOK AT ME, I'M STRESSED.” Casey turns to Aaron. He “de-freezes.” AARON So? Tell me the truth. I can take it. CASEY (playful) You're a dead ringer for Brad. I'm surprised more people aren't swarming you for autographs. Casey faces back out to the audience. Aaron goes back into his “freeze.” CASEY PROB’BLY LIKES TO CUDDLE, LONG WALKS IN THE PARK, AND IF HE LIKES SEX, BET IT'S ONLY IN THE DARK! BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG. IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION AND MAYBE HE'S A NASTY, UNINHIBITED FEROCIOUS TIGER IN THE SACK WHO RIDES A HARLEY, HITS THE GYM AND MAKES HIS MONEY DEALING CRACK TO WEALTHY KIDS IN PRIVATE SCHOOLS WHO TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD. HE COULD KICK SOME ASS JUST LIKE BRUCE LEE ENGAGE IN ONLINE PIRACY AND NOT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM MEYES, THAT'S WHO HE COULD... Now Aaron turns back out to the audience. They both sing out for the rest of the song. AARON THAT’S WHO SHE COULD CASEY AND AARON THAT’S WHO HE/SHE COULD BE BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG. IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION AND THOUGH THE IMPRESSION IS STRONG IT NEVER CAN HURT TO QUESTION THOUGH I DOUBT THIS WILL LEAD TO ROMANCE.

13. AARON SOMETIMES THE ONES WHO SEEM GREAT ARE A NIGHTMARE TO DATE CASEY EITHER WAY I'VE BEEN BURNED BOTH BUT THE ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IS OFTEN TIMES FIRST IMPRESSIONS AARON ARE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE! CASEY IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE! A SECOND GLANCE!

AARON

CASEY IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE! A SECOND GLANCE!

AARON

CASEY IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE! BOTH IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE! The music STOPS. They both return to the exact positions they were in when the song began. So, now what do we do? What do you mean?

AARON CASEY

AARON Well, it’s just... since I’ve never been on one of these before, and you’re kinda the resident expert, I thought maybe you could instruct me on what we are supposed to do next. CASEY Who told you I’m the expert?! AARON Uhh, Kevin might have said something before I left work tonight. Is he wrong? If he’s wrong, I’m really sorry...

14. CASEY No, he’s not wrong. I mean he’s horribly wrong to tell you that information right before you met me. But, technically speaking, he’s not “wrong.” AARON So, then I guess the new nickname I’ve been working on for you the last few minutes still stands? CASEY Depends. What nickname is that? AARON

BDS?

BDS?

CASEY (suspicious)

(gulp) Blind. Date... Slut?

AARON

Casey just stares at him. No? Too soon?

AARON Casey nods. Aaron instantly regrets it.

AARON I agree. Sorry. I’m not so good at the whole “casual banter” thing. (then; trying to banter) So, do you... enjoy blind dates, Casey? CASEY God no. I hate them with an undying passion. I put them right up there with pap smears and M. Night Shyamalan movies... AARON Then why do you go on so many? CASEY Because I think it’s important to be out there. To keep your options open. And I guess I just keep “hoping each time that my next leap will be the leap home...” AARON (surprised) You know Quantum Leap? Nice. So, have you been on some really bad ones?

15. CASEY Blind dates? No - we’re not doing that yet. That’s like dating rule number one. It’s waaaay too early in the evening for me to start discussing other men. AARON See, I was not aware of that. This is why I need your help. What kind of things should we be discussing? CASEY Well, since we know almost nothing about each other, then I would say this should definitely be the small talk, “get to know you” portion of the night. AARON Okay. I gotcha. Nothing too serious. Just keep things light and breezy. I can handle that. (then; casual) So, where ya from? Michigan.

CASEY Just then, Casey’s cell phone RINGS. She takes it out of her pocket and looks at it. As she does so, a small spotlight comes up downstage left. One of the restaurant patrons quickly throws a scarf around his neck and heads into the light, holding a cell phone up to his ear. This is REGGIE, late 20’s, Casey’s super fabulous, overly sensitive, kinda dramatic, gay best friend. He impatiently waits for Casey to pick up...

AARON Do you need to get that? I don’t mind... CASEY (thinking it over) Uhm... no. It’s okay. You sure?

AARON

CASEY Yeah. Not a problem. Now what were you saying? Michigan. Right. Michigan...

AARON CASEY

16. Casey puts the phone back in her purse. As they continue to pantomime talking, we focus on Reggie, as we hear Casey’s outgoing voicemail message: CASEY’S VOICE (unenthused) Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah... And then, the sound of a BEEP. MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #1 REGGIE THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT. YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR DAD'S IN THE HOSPITAL YOUR BUILDING'S ON FIRE THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY AND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY! IT'S YOUR BESTIE CALLING IT'S REGGIE TO THE RESCUE HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM ANOTHER CATASTROPHIC BLIND DATE. I'VE DONE IT TIME AND AGAIN SAVED YOU FROM HORRENDOUS MEN ALL THOSE LOSERS WHO SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PRO-CREATE. LIKE THAT DENTIST WITH THE FOUL BREATH THAT MADE YOU WANNA YACK. OR THAT HIPPIE WITH THE HAIR GROWING ONLY ON HIS BACK OR THAT GUY OBSESSED WITH DISNEY SECOND THOUGHT, I'LL CUT HIM SLACK. (THOUGH HIS LOVE OF PRINCESSES WAS RATHER SUSPECT) BUT I'M DIGRESSING, I'M OBSESSING YOU DID NOT PICK UP YOUR CELL WHICH MEANS YOU EITHER DIDN'T HEAR IT RING OR THINGS ARE GOING WELL. SO E-MAIL, CALL, OR FACEBOOK TELL ME IF YOU LIKE THIS GUY. OKAY THAT'S IT, I LOVE YOU LOTS NEED YOU FOREVER - BYE! THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT. YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR GRANDMA BROKE HER HIP OR YOUR DOG ATE SOME CHOCOLATE THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY AND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY! LATER, BITCH.

17. Reggie hangs up the phone, throws off the scarf and heads back to his seat, where he continues to engage in normal dinner conversation with his restaurant companion. The spotlight goes down stage left. We go right back to Aaron and Casey mid-conversation. AARON I can’t believe you grew up in Grosse Pointe! Do you know anyone who went to Camp Riverlake? Why? Did you go there? Only for six summers.

CASEY AARON

CASEY Really? My neighbor Jessica Sheinwald went there. AARON Jessica Sheinwald. Yeah, I think I remember her. CASEY She only went for one summer. She fell in love with this total asshole, Gabe, and they had like this insanely intense six week romance. And then the colossal prick dumped her on the last day of camp. AARON Was it Gabe... Rubenstone? Yeah. How’d you know?

CASEY

AARON ‘Cause he’s been my best friend since I was four. A beat. CASEY And things were just starting to look up between us, too... AARON No, it’s okay. He was a real jerk back then. (thinking it over) Still is, actually... (then) What school did you go to? Village Day.

CASEY

18. AARON Oh, a bunch of Riverlake people went there. Do you know Josh Baumgarten? CASEY Sat next to me in art class. And Rachel Hirsch?

AARON

CASEY Kicked her ass all over the lacrosse field. And David Nathanson?

AARON

CASEY Oh my God. David... (filled with wonder) ...“Want to See a Magic Trick” Nathanson? You knew that freak? AARON Worse! He was my roommate for three summers. Do you know how many times he made me... (mysterious) ... “pick a card. Any card...” Casey laughs. They are both starting to loosen up... CASEY Where’d you go to college? Penn. You? B.U.

AARON CASEY

AARON B.U., huh? Should we continue playing Jewish Geography then? ‘Cause I can give you like ten more names... CASEY We can. I am good at this game. Even if I’m not a Jew. MUSIC CUE: THE GIRL FOR YOU All of a sudden, the rest of the patrons of the restaurant turn into a JEWISH CHORUS, singing from their chairs. OY VEY! OY VEY!

JEWISH CHORUS

19. AARON I'm sorry, what did you just say? CASEY I said, I'm not a Jew... Casey freezes as Aaron turns out with a look of deep agony and despair. OY VEY! OY VEY! THIS ISN'T THE GIRL THIS ISN'T THE GIRL DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI THIS ISN'T THE GIRL

JEWISH CHORUS FOR FOR DAI DAI FOR

YOU! YOU! DAI DAI DAI YOU!

One of the restaurant patrons gets up from her table. She’s now a cute old lady, who looks rather... otherworldly. Meet Aaron’s dead GRANDMA IDA. (Again this is all in Aaron’s head.) Note - if projections against the back wall of the restaurant are possible here, the mood should be rather... ethereal and heavenly. Blue skies, clouds, the works. Aaron, bubalah!!

GRANDMA IDA

AARON Grandma Ida, is that you? That's right!

GRANDMA IDA

AARON But... you’re dead. What are you doing here? GRANDMA IDA I WAS BUSY PRAYING AT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKY WHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE THAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAI HE SAID, “IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON. HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE. 'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARK INSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!” I BEGGED, “YAHWEH, SEND ME TO HIM! I HAVE WISDOM TO IMPART! PLUS MY GRANDSON AARON LOVES ME,

20. AND HE'D NEVER BREAK MY HEART. I CAN MAKE THE PISCHER UNDERSTAND THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS EVEN I ONCE SHTUPPED A SCHVARTZA IT WAS JUST A PASSING PHASE!” JEWISH CHORUS EH, THE SCHVARTZA WAS A PHASE! GRANDMA IDA SO LISTEN TO ME, BOYCHIK YOU'RE A MENSCH WHO'S WELL-ENDOWED WITH BRAINS AND LOOKS AND TALENT I COULD PLOTZ, I’M JUST SO PROUD! BUT THOUGH I CUT YOU SLACK WHEN YOU DID NOT RETURN MY CALLS, IF YOU WED THIS LITTLE TSATSKELAH I'LL BREAK YOUR MATZAH BALLS! JEWISH CHORUS THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - OY OY OY! THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - A GOY GOY GOY! GRANDMA IDA SHE CONSIDERS JESUS BOSS AND THINKS YOU NAILED HIM TO THE CROSS! GRANDMA IDA AND JEWISH CHORUS THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! And then, ANOTHER PATRON approaches the table, dressed like a Priest. Aaron? Whoa. And who are you?

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER AARON

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER I’m Casey’s father. Her very disapproving, very Christian father. AARON (confused) I’m sorry. Her father. Or her... (hands together in prayer) Father? CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER (meant to intimidate) Both. And Aaron... (sings) YOU ARE RUINING MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE

21. NEVER THOUGHT MY BABY’D BE A HEBREW’S WIFE. WHY WOULD PEOPLE CALLED THE CHOSEN ONES CHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS? The Jewish Chorus now becomes a Church Choir. Again, if projections are possible, we should feel like we are in a church. Stained glass windows, pews, the works... CHURCH CHOIR CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS! CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER YOU DON'T KNOW THE HOLY TRINITY OR THE JOY FELT WHEN YOU TRIM A CHRISTMAS TREE. AND SINCE YOU CANNOT SING “THE FIRST NOEL” JESUS CHRIST WON'T SAVE YOU FROM THE GATES OF HELL. CHURCH CHOIR YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL! HALLELUJAH!

EVERYONE

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER EVERY ANGEL SINGS FOR THE EASTER BUNNY AND THE EGGS HE BRINGS. HALLELUJAH

EVERYONE

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER FOR THE SIMPLE JOYS OF A SUNDAY MASS AND PRECIOUS ALTAR BOYS! EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU AHHH!

CHURCH CHOIR

EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! AHHH!

CHURCH CHOIR

CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER HOW CAN I STAY COOL AND CALM WHEN YOU DON'T PRAISE THE VIRGIN MOM?

22. EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! Finally, another patron becomes a tweaked-out looking mess of a teenager. Yo, Dad. ‘sup? Uhh, I’m sorry - “Dad?”

AARON’S FUTURE SON AARON

AARON’S FUTURE SON What, you don’t recognize me? I’m yours and Casey’s future son. And I’m, like, beyond messed up. So - thanks for that... And now the mood should feel every bit like a bad ass rap video. Banging cars, slicked down empty streets, hoochies... AARON’S FUTURE SON (rapping) YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSED I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSE DO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH? EITHER WAY, I LOSE 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS I'M RECEIVIN' NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOX I’M STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBT AND I CAN’T DETOX SHOULD I LIVE LIFE FOR THE MOMENT? OR SHOULD I KNEEL AND REPENT? DO I BELIEVE THE MESSIAH'S COMING OR CAME AND WENT? I’M STUCK AND IT’S FUCKIN’ DEPRESSIN’ FROM ALL THIS PERPETUAL GUESSIN’ DON’T MEAN TO BE PREACHY BUT LIKE NIETZSCHE THE NIHILIST I’M THINKIN’ THAT GOD DON’T EXIST DO I CRY AT SCHINDLER'S LIST OR WEEP AT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST? SHOULD I SHOP RETAIL WHEN THERE IS NO SALE  OR KVETCH THAT IT'S ALL OVERPRICED! I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU LIKE A POLTERGEIST! MY WHOLE IDENTITY YOU'VE SACRIFICED! WHY DIDN'T YOU USE A CONDOM?!

23. GRANDMA IDA Don't you see, Aaron? Marry her, and you'll destroy the entire order of the known universe! Grandma Ida, Casey’s Christian father and Aaron’s future son all sing/rap in counterpoint. GRANDMA IDA I WAS BUSY PRAYING AT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKY WHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE THAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAI HE SAID, “IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON. HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE. 'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARK INSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!” CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER (in counterpoint) YOU ARE RUINING MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE NEVER THOUGHT MY BABY’D BE A HEBREW’S WIFE. WHY WOULD PEOPLE CALLED THE CHOSEN ONES CHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS? AARON’S FUTURE SON (in counterpoint) YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSED I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSE DO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH? EITHER WAY, I LOSE. 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS I’M RECEIVIN’ NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOX I’M STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBT EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! NOT NOT FOR YOU!

AARON’S FUTURE SON

EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! AARON’S FUTURE SON SO TRUE! SO TRUE! SIX THOUSAND YEARS OF HISTORY ARE RESTIN' ON YOUR HEAD

24. GRANDMA IDA IF YOU MARRIED HER, YOU'D KILL ME WERE I NOT ALREADY DEAD! CASEY’S CHRISTIAN FATHER I WON'T HAVE MY GRANDKIDS RAISED ON BAGELS, LOX AND CREAM CHEESE SPREAD...

NOW LET’S REVIEW: SHE’S NOT A JEW!

GRANDMA IDA, MAN #2, CASEY’S WASPY FATHER, WOMAN #2 AARON’S FUTURE SON

EVERYONE SO THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! GRANDMA IDA A SHAYNA MAYDL BUT SHE DOESN'T SPIN THE DREIDEL EVERYONE THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! Everyone quickly goes back to their tables. EVERYONE THE SHIKSA’S NOT FOR YOU! They throw off their costumes, and the lights go back to normal. Aaron tries to shake off what just happened. AARON So, you’re, uh, really not Jewish, huh? Nope. Half-Jewish? Uh-uh. Quarter-Jew? Not even a little...

CASEY AARON CASEY AARON CASEY

25. AARON How about relatives? You got like a sister or a cousin or somebody who got all rebellious and married an Ashkenazi? CASEY Very doubtful. Is this a problem for you, Aaron? AARON Uhm, no. Not for me... necessarily... Maybe for some others in my family... (trailing off) Or your family... Or future children we may or may not have... CASEY Well, if you ask me, I think all that religion stuff is total bullshit, anyway. AARON You do? So you don’t have countless crosses and rosary beads and pictures of pudgy little angels hanging, like, right above your bed, do you? ‘Cause that might actually be a bit of a dealbreaker for me. CASEY No. My parents never really cared about any of that stuff. So, from an early age I became much more of an atheist. AARON Oh, does that mean you don’t believe in God at all? CASEY Is this your way of “keeping things light and breezy?” Right. Sorry.

AARON

(trying to change tacts) Uhm... what’s your favorite color? CASEY No, it’s okay. To answer your question - I do believe in a higher power. But I also think organized religions have become so overlaid with extraneous matter that their actual spiritual substance has become almost completely obscured. Know what I mean? Aaron shakes his head “yes.” Then shakes his head “no.” He has no idea what she’s talking about. CASEY Well, you’re the one who asked! Casey takes a sip of her cocktail.

26. AARON Wait! Don’t stop! I’m fascinated. Keep going... You sure? For real?

CASEY Aaron nods. Clearly this topic stimulates Casey.

CASEY Okay. It’s just lately I’ve been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle. Ever heard of him? Before Aaron can respond-CASEY Doesn’t matter. Point is - he’s a big believer in the “power of now.” And, since I have a bad tendency of getting in my head at times, what I’m really trying to do is separate the process of thinking and awareness in an effort to transcend my ego-based state of consciousness. AARON (still lost) Of course. I mean - obviously! And how’s that workin’ out for you? CASEY Not so well. I have a very hard time silencing my inner critic. AARON (agreeing) Tell me about it... CASEY (genuinely interested) Really? You too? AARON Oh, yeah. I mean, my “inner critic” won’t shut up right now. What’s he saying?

CASEY

AARON (jokingly) To get out of this date as quickly as possible. Aaron laughs. But this doesn’t land so well with Casey. CASEY Are you making fun of me?

27. AARON No. I was only joking... CASEY (defensive) ‘Cause you brought it up. I didn’t want to talk about it. AARON You’re right. I’m sorry. CASEY Y’know, it’s too bad you’re so close-minded about this stuff. ‘Cause I bet a little meditation and self-reflection could actually help you. Could help everybody... AARON Definitely. It could.... do that... For me... And you... All of us... The people... Of the world... A long, painful, awkward pause. Then, Casey and Aaron both go into a freeze as the patrons and the waiter dramatically turn out to the audience to comment on the action. MUSIC CUE: THE AWKWARD PAUSE PATRONS & WAITER THE PAUSE! THE PAUSE! THE DREADED AWKWARD PAUSE! IT'S THAT SILENCE WHEN YOU'VE NOT A THING TO SAY NO HEMS, NO HAWS CAN HELP YOU IN ESCAPING THIS BOUNDLESS, SOUNDLESS, CRUEL DATING CLICHÉ! IF THIS LULL KEEPS UP, YOUR CHANCE IS SLIM OF GETTING THIS NIGHT BACK ON TRACK THE LIKELIHOOD OF LOVE IS GRIM WHENEVER YOU FEEL ITS ATTACK! MEN YOU'LL NEVER KNOW IF UNDERNEATH HER SHIRT IS AN AMAZING RACK... PIGS!

WOMEN

PATRONS & WAITER ALL 'CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK INSIDE ITS JAWS THE AGONIZING, PARALYZING AWKWARD... PAUSE! The patrons sit, and the waiter goes back to his business. Casey and Aaron come out of their freeze.

28.

Can I--

AARON

CASEY Why don’t we-They both try to talk again.

AARON I didn’t mean--

Maybe I--

CASEY

One more time. AARON I should probably--

CASEY Have you ever--

CASEY Dear God, stop! (then; sweetly) You go first. AARON I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made fun of you like that. I guess I didn’t realize how seriously you take that stuff. CASEY I’m sorry, too. I just get a little defensive about it because I think it’s actually a good thing - trying to get to know yourself. But most people just look at me like I’m some sorta mental patient when I talk about it. AARON Well, I won’t - not anymore. No crazy looks from me. I’m glad to hear it.

CASEY A beat. Aaron tries to go back to keeping things light.

AARON (like a valley girl) OMG! Did we, like, just totally have our first fight? CASEY (laughing) I think we kinda did. Aaron looks down at his body. AARON And we got through it. No cuts, no bruises... CASEY Barely any internal bleeding.

29. AARON Maybe there’s a small smidgeon of hope for us yet. Aaron goes in for a flirty clink of their glasses. Casey pulls away before the glasses touch and takes a big gulp of her cocktail. AARON So, since we’re already in this terribly uncomfortable place - is there anything else I should know about you before we continue with this date? Any weird fetishes? Diseases? Black sheep family members? I mean - I’ll be totally cool with it, I promise. CASEY Well, now that you mention it, I guess there is one thing I should tell you about... AARON Oh, yeah? Lay it on me... CASEY I have a four year-old son, Blaze. Instantly, a puppet version of a little boy POPS UP next to Casey. (Note: Aaron is the only one who sees this puppet.) Hello!

BLAZE Aaron’s face drops.

You do?

AARON

CASEY Yeah. He’s the best. Just the little light of my life. AARON Huh. Wow. Blaze. Oh-kay... Blaze reaches for some nuts on the bar counter. But he misses, knocking the whole tray over and making a mess. AARON So, uhh, who’s the father? CASEY I’m not entirely sure... You’re not?

AARON

30. As Casey continues to talk, the Blaze puppet starts studying Aaron intensely. CASEY No, I mean, I know it’s definitely one of, like two or three people. I figure at some point we can always do DNA testing, right? But only if Blaze absolutely feels like he just has to meet his birth father... BLAZE (to Aaron) Are you my daddy? Blaze plops down onto Aaron’s lap. Aaron tries to keep it cool as he continues talking to Casey. AARON Yeah, no, that sounds good... So, what’s he like? CASEY Oh, he’s a very energetic, active, hyper kid. And he hasn’t been officially diagnosed yet. But we think he might have ADD. Blaze starts climbing all over Aaron. BLAZE I like baseball and basketball and soccer and drawing and chocolate and Elmo and airplanes and french fries and video games and -AARON Well, you must really have your hands full... Blaze now climbs onto Aaron’s head. CASEY I do. But you know what? No matter how much he kicks and screams and bites-Blaze bites Aaron’s head. CASEY -- oh does he love to bite - and cries and fights me on every... single... thing. Blaze starts hitting Aaron on the head repeatedly. CASEY At the end of the day, when I’m sitting there breastfeeding...

31. Blaze quickly jumps from Aaron’s head directly onto Casey’s nipple. (Over the shirt...) He is suddenly totally and completely calm... CASEY And he looks up at me... with my nipple in his cute, little mouth-AARON You still breast-feed your four-year-old? Blaze un-puckers from Casey’s chest, nods at Aaron, then goes right back to sucking. CASEY Of course! It really helps with the mother-son bond. Point is - I wouldn’t change it for the world... AARON Well, that’s great. I’m really happy for you two... Kinda surprised Kevin neglected to mention it to me, but-Blaze gently caresses his mom’s cheek as he continues to breast-feed. CASEY Oh, and Aaron? There’s just one more thing you should know about Blaze... (weakly) Really? Something else?

AARON

CASEY He doesn’t exist. I’m just messing with you. Blaze instantly drops out of sight. AARON Thank God - ‘cause I’m not ready to deal with kids. Like - at all. Casey looks at Aaron - disappointed. He’s real.

CASEY

AARON (extremely awkward) Oh, then, uhh... A long beat. Then:

32.

I’m just kidding!

CASEY Casey busts up laughing.

AARON Why would you do that to me?! CASEY Oh, c’mon! It was funny. Wasn’t it? Just then Casey’s know-it-all, super type-A, pull no punches, older sister, LAUREN, pops up from another table. Aaron goes into a freeze. LAUREN Yeah, super funny. Really got him there. Kudos, sis! CASEY Uchh, Lauren, what do you want?! LAUREN Oh, I don’t know. Maybe to help you get married. Or, at least asked out on a second date. I really don’t get it, Case. Why do you insist on being so-CASEY Daring, bold and delightfully controversial? LAUREN I was going to say “harsh, guarded and slightly confrontational.” But - you know. Six of one... CASEY I can’t help it. It’s just who I am. LAUREN That’s cute. But you know what else you can’t help? Lauren points upward. Just then, a loud BOOMING, ECHOEY TICKING CLOCK STARTS TICKING THROUGHOUT THE THEATRE. LAUREN Your biological clock! And if you listen real close, do you hear what it’s saying? (a beat, then) STOP FUCKING AROUND! Lauren makes a swiping gesture. The clock stops.

33. CASEY That’s not fair! You know I’ve been trying. LAUREN No, you haven’t. This is all a game to you. A sport. You’re not looking for “the one.” You’re just looking for new ways to amuse yourself at other people’s expense. CASEY Well, maybe we can’t all be like you. Maybe we don’t all find the “perfect man” in college. And settle down at twentyfucking-four in Connecticut! LAUREN That’s hurtful. We didn’t get our first house in Westport till I was twenty-eight and you know it! (then; calming down) Just do me a favor. Work a little harder with this guy. ‘Cause Kevin really likes him. And it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you dated someone nice for once...

Fine.

CASEY (reluctant) Lauren sits back down. Aaron comes out of his freeze.

AARON You know what? I think I need another beer. (then; to waiter) Can I get another beer please? Casey tries to warm up a little. CASEY Uh oh. Did my menace of an imaginary child force you to start drinking again? He does have that effect on people. AARON I’m sure he does. ‘Cause I was this close to driving my imaginary mini-van off a very steep cliff. Casey laughs. CASEY Listen, Aaron. Don’t feel bad. I totally get why Blaze would scare you off. I mean, we’re not all meant to be breeders. Nothing says we have to have children. Am I right? AARON (uh oh) You don’t want to have children?

34. Casey realizes she just stepped in it. CASEY Uhh, no. I do. Definitely. Litters of ‘em. Someday. AARON Me, too! I want to have a very big family. Just not yet. But, c’mon - can’t you picture a bunch of little Aarons running around? Giving goofy handshakes. Casey laughs. CASEY Yeah, I could see that. All in their little suits. AARON You know, it’s funny. My ex always used to say to me-Suddenly, at one of the other tables behind Casey, another patron quickly pops up. This is GABE, Aaron’s sortaschlubby, but extremely confident best friend. Casey freezes. Oh, no you don’t. No, I don’t... what?

GABE AARON

GABE Dude, duuuuuude. We’ve been over this like a hundred times. You never, ever bring up on your ex on a first date. AARON Why not, Gabe? Allison was such a huge part of my life and-ALLISON -- there’s just no way to exclude me from the conversation. Both Aaron and Gabe look over to see ALLISON - an Upper East Side, highmaintenance, put-together JAP, sitting at another table. She waves at Aaron. GABE No, no, NO! What is she doing here? Get her out of your head, Aaron! I’m begging you! This is not the time to be thinking about Allison. ALLISON Guess he can’t help himself, Gabe. I’m simply too wonderful.

35.

She really is.

AARON Aaron looks back at Allison. She smiles at him as her hair blows in the wind. He is transfixed. Which triggers: MUSIC CUE: ALLISON’S THEME #1

ALLISON YOU LOOK BUFF, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT, BABE. ALL YOUR HOTNESS IS MAKING ME WEAK. LOVE THE HAIRCUT, I LOVE THE SUIT. YOU'RE A WALKING EXAMPLE OF "CHIC." YOU'RE THE HANDSOMEST MAN IN THIS RESTAURANT, LIKE A MODEL RIGHT OUT OF GQ. YOU ARE ALSO THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER SO RIP OFF MY CLOTHES SPREAD MY LEGS HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME OH, HOW I CRAVE YOUR-Gabe cuts her off, breaking Aaron’s reverie. GABE Cut the crap! “Rip off my clothes?” “Have your way with me?” That is not what Allison would say and you know it. Now be honest with yourself. What did she really say to you? AARON You mean, like... in the bedroom? (off Gabe’s nod) Well, I guess it went something more like this. The lights instantly go BLACK in the theatre. The audience only hears the conversation. This should all be played very real. ALLISON (IN BLACK) Eww, Aaron. What are you doing? Are you actually trying to have sex with me right now? AARON (IN BLACK) Yeah, kinda. Do you mind? ALLISON (IN BLACK) I don’t feel like it. Plus, I think I’m having some sort of weird allergic reaction to something I ate at dinner.

36. AARON (IN BLACK) Come on, Allison! We haven’t done it in weeks! It’s not fair! (a beat) Where are you going? I thought we were talking... Just then - we hear the SOUND of a vibrator being turned on. AARON (IN BLACK) (pleasantly surprised) Oh. Well, that could work, too. Whatever gets you in the mood. Just so you know, I’m happy to lend a hand if you... want me to... Gabe claps two times (like he’s turning on “The Clapper.”) The lights come back on revealing - Allison brushing her teeth with an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH. That’s the sound we were hearing. Gabe stares at Aaron. You thought she was--

GABE Aaron sadly nods.

GABE But she wasn’t, was she? AARON (defeated) Not even close... GABE You see, Aaron? The real Allison is not the way you choose to remember her. She is a frigid, conniving wench that you need to permanently erase from your thoughts so you can finally move on. AARON Okay, fine. I can get Allison out of my head. No big deal... Aaron gently places Allison back down in her seat. He turns to Gabe. AARON There - she’s gone. Happy? Now, what am I supposed to do about my date, because-GABE Thankfully, you’ve got your best friend here to help you through this. Now, Aaron, look at me. Do I get ass?

37.

Yes!

GABE AND AARON

AARON It’s one of life’s great mysteries. And it both disgusts and fascinates me every time it actually works - but... (not wanting to admit it) Yes - you get ass... GABE And I’m going to help you get some, too. But only if you listen to your consigliere... So remember, you talk about the ex - you can forget about the sex. Got it? Aaron nods. Casey comes out of her freeze. CASEY Your ex always used to say to you... what? AARON Oh, not much. Nothing at all actually. She was... mute. (off Gabe’s WTF) Can we talk about something else? CASEY Absolutely! Let’s re-focus... Casey looks to Lauren for support. Then: CASEY Now, I know men looove to talk about work. So, why don’t you regale me with stories and delightful anecdotes about that. AARON (suddenly cocky) No problem-o. What would you like to know? CASEY Well, what is it that you do exactly? AARON (almost seductive) Investment banking. Corporate finance. And occasionally I toy around with mergers and acquisitions. CASEY Mmm. Sounds... riveting. The waiter returns with Aaron’s beer. There you go.

WAITER

38.

Thanks.

AARON The waiter takes off.

AARON Okay, so maybe it’s not the most sexy or fascinating job on the planet. But, it pays the bills. CASEY Yes, but does it fulfill your soul? AARON It fulfills my sole... purpose of making money. Casey rolls her eyes. CASEY Oh, so you’re one of those, are you? Is that what it’s all about for you? The cash-ola? AARON Is is for now. What’s it all about for you? I think Kevin told me you work at an art gallery? Was that really your lifelong ambition? CASEY No. But at least it’s creative. And it’s a good place for me to study my craft... Which is? Photography...

AARON CASEY

AARON Oh. You’re a photographer? CASEY (uncomfortable and cryptic) Yes. No. Sort of... I mean, I dabble. Used to dabble... I own a camera... AARON And what sort of things do you do at the gallery? Do you pick out all the pieces yourself? Sometimes. Why?

CASEY

AARON Only because I thought that whole Damien Hirst exhibit was awesome.

39.

Thanks.

CASEY

(then; suspicious) Wait a minute. How’d you know about that? AARON I... might have done some research online before our date. You googled me?

CASEY

AARON Yes, I googled you. I had to know at least a little bit of what I was getting into before meeting you... CASEY And what else did you find out? MUSIC CUE: THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER Just then, the room goes dark and all the lights in the restaurant start flashing on-and-off in different “computer-like colors.” We also HEAR the sounds of various computer BEEPS and MODEMS. Reveal a very theatricaltype woman. This is GOOGLE LADY. GOOGLE LADY What didn’t he find out? CASEY Oh, no. Google? Is that you - again? Why do you always have to ruin everything? GOOGLE LADY Because I’m the world’s number one search engine, that’s why. And Casey... (sings) YOU KNOW EXACTLY ALL THAT HE UNCOVERED YOUR DIRTY SECRETS AREN'T SAFE WITH ME. MISTAKES THAT WOULD BE BETTER UNDISCOVERED I DISPLAY THEM ALL FOR ALL TO SEE. LIKE THAT TIME THAT YOU WERE THROWN OUT OF THE GIRL SCOUTS OR HAD A CRAZY THREE-WAY IN A CHURCH... AND THAT NIGHT THAT YOU GOT CAUGHT, WITH A HALF A BRICK OF POT... IT'S ALL THERE WHEN YOU CLICK “SEARCH”... A big painting on the wall of the restaurant drops down revealing a large photo of Casey’s unflattering mug shot.

40. GOOGLE LADY AND YOU CAN'T ERASE IT YOU CAN'T SUPPRESS ALL THE INFORMATION THAT MY SERVERS POSSESS THERE'S A LITTLE SAYING THAT I HOLD DEAR “THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER” SO YOU'VE EVERYTHING TO FEAR. Casey takes her iPhone out of her purse. AARON (concerned) What are you doing? CASEY Well, if you google’d me, I think it’s only fair I google you right back. Don’t you? AARON (suddenly concerned) No. Not at all. I mean, you can’t believe everything you read on the Internet... GOOGLE LADY (turning to Aaron) Uh-oh, buddy. You’re in big trouble. She’s pulling up all sorts of web pages here. Look out - ‘cause here they come! As she starts calling out the different sites’ names, the other restaurant patrons stand up (or come out) from wherever they are - and tear off their tops - revealing t-shirts with their website’s logo on them. Twitter!

GOOGLE LADY

TWITTER THOSE TWEETS YOU TWEETED AFTER YOUR BIG BREAKUP. Facebook!

GOOGLE LADY

FACEBOOK YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS CAP OUT AT FIFTY-FOUR! YouTube!

GOOGLE LADY

41. YOUTUBE THAT MOVIE OF YOU IN A DRESS AND MAKEUP Aw, geez...

AARON

YOUTUBE HUMPING AN INFLATED DINOSAUR. AARON It was a fraternity hazing ritual! eBay!

GOOGLE LADY

EBAY THAT JUSTIN BIEBER AUTOGRAPH YOU BID ON. For my niece!

AARON

GOOGLE LADY OR HOW YOU WERE ACCUSED OF HOMICIDE! AARON Oh, come on! That was another Aaron Goldfarb! GOOGLE LADY ALL THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS KNOW HOW YOU HAD A BIG JEW FRO! Someone shuts the blinds on the restaurant door, revealing (in the slits of the blinds) a class PHOTO of an awkward YOUNG AARON - with a ginormous head of hair. GOOGLE LADY YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE... It wasn’t that bad!

AARON

EVERYONE 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T ERASE IT YOU CAN'T SUPPRESS ALL THE INFORMATION THAT OUR SERVERS POSSESS GOOGLE LADY THERE'S NO HITTING BACKSPACE NO SECOND CHANCE

42. EVERYONE THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER, GOOGLE LADY THREATENING ANY SHOT AT ROMANCE. Aaron now takes out his iPhone. AARON Okay, hotshot. Clearly I didn’t search hard enough the first time. Let’s see what other dirt I can find on you... The websites sit down at various tables and each lift up portions of their table tops. Each one revealing laptops embedded in the tables. (Dueling laptops at each table...) They all do a synchronized keyboard typing dance meant to approximate a “tapping” interlude in the song... They sing as they look at their keyboards. OH MY! THAT'S BAD! HOW EMBARRASSING!

EVERYONE

The music stops for a beat. CASEY You want a war, kid? You just got one... The music starts again. EVERYONE OH WOW NO WAY YOU DID THAT?! THIS CAN'T BE YOU AWKWARD WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? PERVERT. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE US WE ARE ALWAYS THERE. GOOGLE LADY WATCHING AND WAITING, AND SOMETIMES MISSTATING THE TRUTH, THUS NEGATING YOUR CHANCES OF MATING. NO POINT IN DEBATING 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN CREATING

43. A HELL UNABATING FOR ANYONE DATING... EVERYONE OH, YOU CAN'T DELETE ALL THE CRAP YOU'VE DONE IT'S MAN VERSUS THE INTERNET AND GUESS WHO HAS WON! GOOGLE LADY SO REMEMBER WHEN YOU SKYPE IN THE NUDE... EVERYONE THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER Forever!

GOOGLE LADY

EVERYONE THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER TAKE NOTE, OR YOU'RE TOTALLY SCREWED YOU’RE REALLY SCREWED! AARON Can we please just call a truce? Definitely.

CASEY The music ends as the patrons quickly throw back on their clothes, slam down their laptops creating tabletops again, and go back to eating as normal. (The painting also comes back up on the wall and the waiter opens the blinds again.) They both put away their phones.

AARON I gotta say - I know the Internet’s supposed to be this great way to “connect” people or whatever. But I think it’s doing the opposite. Especially when it comes to dating... CASEY I agree! I mean, you can pretty much find out everything you could ever possibly want to know about somebody before even meeting them. What fun is that? AARON Yeah, it’s like you make all these unfair judgments without ever seeing the person face-to-face.

44. CASEY Or experiencing what it’s like to interact with them. To hear their voice...

AARON

CASEY And, God forbid, maybe even touch them... Casey reaches out her arm and touches Aaron’s hand. The moment doesn’t go unnoticed by Aaron. Just then, the waiter comes back over. How we doin’ over here?

WAITER

AARON (slightly raised voice) Great! We’re doing great. Casey takes her hand off of Aaron’s. WAITER Can I get you guys anything else? Maybe some food? We have a stellar menu. Aaron looks to Casey. AARON You know what? I’m actually kinda starving right now. Do you want to...? CASEY Uhh, yeah. Sure. I could eat something. Right this way...

WAITER The waiter pulls out Casey’s bar stool and starts escorting them over to their table. As he does, Lauren falls in step with Casey.

LAUREN Would you please explain to me that hand move? GABE Dude, I can’t believe it! She totally put her hand on you! CASEY (to Lauren) What - that?! That was nothing.

45. AARON (to Gabe) Yes, I’m aware. I’m trying not to make a big deal about it. LAUREN Look at me - Case. Now do you want to find something genuine and meaningful like I have with Kevin, or not? CASEY Uhh, sure. I mean - in theory... maybe not quite what you have, but-LAUREN Then you gotta start playing it slow. ‘Cause landing a quality guy is a marathon. Not a sprint to Fuck County. Lauren pulls out the chair for Casey and she sits. At the same time, Aaron heads to the table when Gabe falls in step with him. GABE Well, whatever it is you’re doing - keep doing it. ‘Cause you might actually have a chance with this one. (off Aaron’s look) I know. I’m as shocked as you are... Aaron takes a deep breath and smiles at Casey. Gabe pulls out the chair for him. Aaron sits. The waiter hands Casey and Aaron menus. Here you go.

WAITER The waiter takes off. Aaron and Casey start to peruse the menus. Gabe and Lauren read them over their shoulders.

AARON (re: menu) What are you thinking? CASEY I’m not sure. The chargrilled burger with Roquefort cheese and shoestring french fries sounds pretty amazing... LAUREN It sure does. If you’re trying to make weight right before a big sumo wrestling competition. But not on a first date... CASEY Why not? It shows him that I’m confident with my body and that I don’t have any weird eating issues.

46. LAUREN No. It shows him that you have an unusually healthy appetite. And that one day this is all going to go away and you’re gonna end up on “The Biggest Loser - “Gee, I Wonder Why I’m Still Single” Edition. CASEY That’s ridiculous. Guys don’t think like that. I’m getting the burger. (to Aaron) What are you going to get? AARON I was thinking maybe the chopped salad. GABE No. Fuck you. You’re not getting that. AARON Why? What’s the big deal? GABE Salads are for pussies. You’re getting the burger. Rare. But... I want a salad.

AARON

GABE And I want Megan Fox. But you know how I’m not getting her? By ordering a “sissy salad with my balls on the side” on our very first date... AARON You’re insane. I’m not listening to you. I want a chopped salad. I’m getting the chopped salad. The waiter comes back to the table. Made any decisions?

WAITER

CASEY (instantly) I’ll have the chopped salad please. AARON (quickly) And I’ll have the burger. Coming right up...

WAITER

47. The waiter grabs the menus and leaves. A satisfied Gabe and Lauren head back to their table. Aaron looks over at Casey. AARON What happened? I thought you were gonna get the burger. You didn’t just order the salad for my benefit, did you? CASEY (caught) No. ‘Course not. Why would I do that? AARON Well, you know, a lot of girls think they have to eat a salad on a first date - to show a guy that they care about their body or whatever, which I think is completely ridiculous. You do?

CASEY

AARON Personally, I’d rather a girl order some meat and potatoes. Really get in there. But that’s just my preference. CASEY Are you trying to tell me you don’t care about how a girl looks? AARON Not really, no. I’d just rather she was happy.

For real?

CASEY (dubious)

AARON Honestly. I mean it. At the end of the day, looks go. But if you have things in common, and can still make each other laugh, that’s what really matters. Just then, TWO EDGY LOOKING GUYS appear behind Aaron. He freezes. MUSIC CUE: THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME EDGY ROCKER GUY You have got to be kidding me. EDGY BRITISH GUY You’re not really gonna fall for this bollocks, are you? CASEY C’mon, guys! You have no right to get in the middle of this.

48. EDGY BRITISH GUY We have every right to get in the middle of this. We’re your past...

EDGY ROCKER GUY

EDGY BRITISH GUY And your future, love... CASEY Look. You guys satisfied a very specific need at a very specific time in my life. But thankfully, that phase is over. EDGY ROCKER GUY You only think it’s over. EDGY BRITISH GUY You like bad boys, Casey. Not-(re: Aaron) -- this. It’s who you are. Why fight it?

EDGY ROCKER GUY The two bad boys reach for bottles on the restaurant’s wine rack. When they grab off the tops - they actually become microphones. As they sing, the restaurant turns into a full-on stadium rock concert. Smoke, flashing lights, pyrotechnics - the works. It would also be great to hint at an arena filled with people with projections...

EDGY ROCKER GUY I NEVER OPEN UP YOUR DOOR I NEVER SHOWER YOU WITH PRAISE WHEN YOU CALL OR TEXT MY PHONE I DON'T REPLY TO YOU FOR DAYS. I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB I FAILED MY G.E.D. I'M ANGRY THEN INDIFFERENT AND BABE, OOOH BABE, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. EDGY BRITISH GUY I TAKE YOU OUT TO AWESOME MEALS BUT CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE CHECKS I WILL PLEDGE ETERNAL LOVE THEN LEAVE YOUR PLACE RIGHT AFTER SEX. I ALWAYS SAY I'M BOOKED IN TRUTH, I'M USUALLY FREE I CANCELED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

49. AND BABE, OOOH BABE, THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. EDGY ROCKER GUY THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME. BOTH THAT’S WHY YOU LOVE ME. As they continue to sing, it’s clear that some of their words are actually getting through to Casey. Try as she might to fight it - it’s no use. She just can’t resist these guys. EDGY BRITISH GUY YOU LOVE HOW I KEEP YOU GUESSING IF I'M INTERESTED OR NOT EDGY ROCKER GUY AND HOW I TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT SHE IS SUPER-FRICKIN' HOT BOTH HOW I COVER UP MY LIES BY SAYIN' I'M HANGIN' WITH THE GUYS. EDGY BRITISH GUY NO ONE'LL TREAT YOU HALF AS NICE EDGY ROCKER GUY I ONLY CHEATED ON YOU TWICE... The two guys throw Casey down onto a chair in the middle of the room and proceed to sing to and around her. BOTH YOU'VE GOT NO CHOICE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE HOOKED YOU’RE HOOKED

EDGY BRITISH GUY

EDGY ROCKER GUY YOU GAVE IT UP ON OUR FIRST DATE OH YEAH!

EDGY BRITISH GUY

EDGY ROCKER GUY AFTER I TOLD YOU YOU LOOKED FINE BUT HAD TO LOSE A LITTLE WEIGHT.

50.

ONLY TEN POUNDS

EDGY BRITISH GUY

BOTH I'M BOUND TO DISAPPOINT I'M SURE THAT YOU'D AGREE EDGY BRITISH GUY I'M SNOTTY AND NEGLECTFUL EDGY ROCKER GUY I'M NASTY AND SELF-SERVING BOTH I’VE GOT A GIANT PENIS AND BABE, OOOH, BABE The guys start to escort Casey back to her chair at the table with Aaron. BOTH THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. OH, YEAH!

EDGY ROCKER GUY

BOTH THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME. THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME! They place Casey back down at the table and start to head off. The concert vibe instantly stops and the restaurant becomes just a restaurant again. Casey’s clearly been taken by the memory of her exes and doesn’t want to see them go. CASEY Wait! Don’t leave. You have no idea how much I miss the smell of cigarettes and apathy... But the bad boys are already gone. Casey forces herself to turn back to Aaron. She looks at him and lets out a defeated SIGH. He comes out of his freeze. CASEY So, Aaron, tell me - have you ever been arrested? I’m sorry?

AARON

51. CASEY Done any jail time? I’ll even count juvie. I’m not picky. AARON Nope. No jail time here. Although I did visit Alcatraz once... CASEY How about drugs? Ecstasy? Cocaine? Methamphetamines? Ever had what some might label “a problem?” AARON I tried mushrooms one night in college... accidentally. Does that count? CASEY What about any random piercings? Tattoos? I’ll settle for henna... AARON Okay, Casey, I think I’m a little confused. Where are all these questions coming from? CASEY Look, Aaron. The thing is - you seem like a really sweet, really put together guy... but, if I’m being honest, I’m normally more attracted to bad boys. Aaron takes a moment to process this. Gabe quickly pops up from his table. AARON Okay. And I guess that means you think that I’m-CASEY -- not a bad boy. Which is totally fine! You are who you are. It’s just not normally what I go for.. Lauren now stands up at her table. LAUREN I can’t believe you’re saying this to him! Why are you saying this to him?! CASEY I’m sorry, Lauren. It’s just how I feel... Lauren sits back down, disappointed. Aaron realizes in order to salvage this date he needs to change tacts - fast. AARON Well, Casey, it’s sweet that you think that about me. But you’re actually very, very wrong.

52.

I am?

CASEY

AARON (re: his whole look) See - this? This whole thing is all just a cover. A lie. A fabricated “banker” type character, designed to lure in a certain kind of lady. But the real me - nothing like this. Aaron takes off his glasses and throws them on the table to prove his point. CASEY (not buying it) Oh, I see. And the real you - he’s more of a bad boy? I would say that he is.

AARON Aaron reaches for his beer, but misses, since he can no longer see it on the table. He tries to recover - but it’s not smooth.

What kind of bad boy?

CASEY Just then, Casey’s cell phone RINGS.

AARON Oh, look at that. Saved by the bell. Why don’t you just go and answer that? CASEY No, I think I’d rather stay focused on this. AARON You sure. ‘Cause I got no problem with you getting your phone. CASEY Yeah, see, that’s what this amazing new invention called “voicemail’s” for... Now, you were saying? Reggie stands up from the table and returns to the same position onstage where he made the first phone call to Casey. CASEY’S VOICE (unenthused) Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah... Voicemail BEEP.

53. MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #2 REGGIE THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT. AND I'M GETTING YOUR VOICEMAIL ONCE AGAIN WHAT'S THE DEAL? I MEAN, REALLY. CALL ME BACK BECAUSE I'M BORED AND I'M FEELING TOTES IGNORED. LATER, SLUT. Reggie dramatically sits back down. We focus back on Aaron and Casey. AARON ... And I haven’t paid a single one of those parking tickets! And I’m not going to! I mean, there’s probably a warrant out for my arrest in Connecticut at this very moment! And I don’t even care. That’s how bad I am! CASEY And that’s really sweet, but... I don’t want you to be someone you’re not. So, maybe, before this date goes any further, we should just agree that this... isn’t a love connection. (thrown) Oh. Uhm, all right--

AARON

CASEY Look, I think you’re really nice. And I’m sure there’s a girl out there who’s absolutely perfect for you. (then; definitively) I guess what I’m trying to say is... I really want to be your friend. MUSIC CUE: YOUR FRIEND Casey goes into a freeze as ominous church bells start to RING in a slow, dirge-like fashion. BONG! BONG! BONG! Very solemnly, the male patrons and the waiter start singing to Aaron. MALE PATRONS AND WAITER YOUR FRIEND! (BONG) YOUR FRIEND! (BONG) SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND IT'S THE WORST THING THAT A GUY HEARS FROM A GAL. FEMALE PATRONS LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS...

54. MALE PATRONS AND WAITER NO GRUNTS, NO MOANS NO LATE NIGHT BOOTY-CALLING YOU'RE JUST HER NEUTERED, SAD PLATONIC PAL! MY BESTEST PAL!

FEMALE PATRONS Aaron cuts the singers off as Casey comes out of her freeze. The rest quickly go back to their seats.

AARON You really want to be my... friend? CASEY Yes. I really want to be your friend. AARON (slowly losing it) Uh, okay. Well, thank you, Casey, for that offer. That’s definitely something to think about. I mean - who doesn’t want more friends?! ‘Cause, friends, you know, are really the flowers in the garden of life. So, let’s just plant that seed of friendship and see how it-(then; needing to bail) I’m sorry. Will you excuse me for a second? I’m just gonna run to the bathroom and... try to drown myself in the urinal. Aaron takes off. Lauren looks over at Casey from another table. LAUREN So, tell me. How’s it feel being a relationship assassin? CASEY Please, Lauren, give it a rest. LAUREN I just don’t get it. You claim you want what Kevin and I have. But then when you actually find a guy who could give you all those same things - you totally sabotage it! CASEY I know. I have a problem. LAUREN You really do. What does your therapist say about this? A warm, friendly, sensitive-looking man, puts on glasses and stands at another table.

55.

Hello, Casey.

FRIENDLY THERAPIST The friendly therapist pulls out a chair at his table for Casey to sit at. She reluctantly comes over and sits down. He sits across from her, legs crossed, and pulls out a notepad.

CASEY (not wanting to be there) Hello, doc. Always a pleasure. FRIENDLY THERAPIST So, the last time you were here, we were discussing your inability to “let people in.” CASEY (slightly defensive) No we weren’t. I don’t remember that... FRIENDLY THERAPIST You said, and I quote - “What’s the point of letting people in if they’re only going to disappoint you in the long run.” CASEY Okay. I think it’s coming back to me now. FRIENDLY THERAPIST Good. Now I know in the past we’ve talked about your fears of getting hurt... rejected... And how this fear has prevented you from doing many of the things you want to do in life... CASEY You’re referring to my photography, aren’t you? FRIENDLY THERAPIST That is one of the things on the list, yes. You have a whole list?!

CASEY

FRIENDLY THERAPIST So, I’d like to know where this all comes from. MUSIC CUE: BUILD ANOTHER WALL FRIENDLY THERAPIST Can we chat a bit about your relationship with your parents over the years? And how you think it’s impacted you? CASEY I kinda wish we wouldn’t...

56. FRIENDLY THERAPIST I kinda think we need to...

Fine...

CASEY (defiant)

(sings) MY MOM IS CRAZY MY MOM'S A NUT MY MOM'S UNHAPPY BUT IF YOU ASKED, SHE'D INSIST THAT SHE'S ANYTHING BUT. MY MOM WILL ARGUE OVER NOTHING AT ALL. AND WHEN SHE HAS HER DAILY BREAKDOWN I AM ALWAYS HER FIRST CALL SHE BLAMES ME FOR THE PROBLEMS THAT HER MEDS CAN'T SEEM TO FIX SHE SAYS I MAKE POOR CHOICES YET HER BOYFRIEND'S TWENTY-SIX... SO I TRY TO BE STRONG OR ELSE HOW COULD I DEAL WITH A LIFETIME OF THE ISSUES THROWN MY WAY TELL ME, IS IT SO WRONG THAT I CONTINUALLY FEEL THE NEED TO BUILD ANOTHER WALL TO MAKE SURE THAT I'M OKAY? Casey stops singing and starts heading out the door.

CASEY Okay, good session. Really flew by. Too bad our time’s up. FRIENDLY THERAPIST We still have forty-three minutes. Please, keep going... CASEY (annoyed) MY DAD'S A STRANGER ABANDONED OUR LIFE HE MOVED TO GEORGIA WHERE HE HAD TWO KIDS WITH HIS STEPFORD-LIKE WIFE. EACH YEAR AT CHRISTMAS HE WILL SEND ME A CARD WITH A SMILING FAMILY PHOTO IN THEIR PICKET FENCE FRONT YARD HIS ARM AROUND HIS DAUGHTER AND HIS SON UPON HIS KNEE HOW NICE THAT'S HE'S THE FATHER THAT HE COULDN'T BE FOR ME

57. BUT I'VE LEARNED HOW TO COPE YES, I'VE LEARNED TO IGNORE A CHILDHOOD THAT WAS LEFT IN DISARRAY WHEN IT'S POINTLESS TO HOPE YOU SIMPLY SHUT TIGHT THE DOOR AND THEN YOU BUILD ANOTHER WALL TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OKAY. AND I'D LIKE TO BE DIFFERENT I'D LIKE TO LET GO BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO CHANGE MY PAST KEEPS SAYING “NO” ‘CAUSE BUILDING WALLS IS EASIER THAN LETTING YOUR TRUE FEELINGS SHOW... AND THAT’S HOW I GET BY THAT’S HOW I ENDURE: A HISTORY OF HEARTACHE ON DISPLAY I COULD BREAK DOWN AND CRY BUT INSTEAD I'M SECURE BECAUSE I BUILD ANOTHER WALL... AND I'M... OKAY. A beat. Then: LAUREN Personally, I think that’s just stupid. Because I had the exact same mom and dad growing up as you did, but I didn’t go around “building up walls” to protect myself. CASEY No, you just ran right into the arms of the first guy you met freshman year of college and never let go. Lauren opens her mouth to offer her rebuttal, but realizes she has none. Casey turns her attention back to the therapist. CASEY So, doc. Be honest with me. What do you think of all that? FRIENDLY THERAPIST I think... you should consider coming in twice a week instead of once. LAUREN That’s what he said to you?! Casey nods. The friendly therapist takes off. She starts heading back to her own table.

58. LAUREN Well, shit. This might be more complicated than I thought... Tell me about it...

CASEY Casey sits back down at her table. At the same time, her and Lauren both down the rest of their drinks. Aaron returns to the table.

Aaaand... you’re back.

CASEY

AARON Not for long. I think I’m just going to head out... CASEY But dinner hasn’t even come yet... AARON Yeah, I know, friend. But, it’s getting kinda late, friend. And-CASEY Okay. So, you’re clearly a little mad at me right now. AARON No, I’m not mad at you, friend. Friends don’t get mad at friends, friend. I’m just in the process of adjusting to this newly formed friend... ship. And I think I’d prefer to do that alone. That’s all. CASEY (indignant) Okay, fine. Have it your way. Let’s get the check then. AARON Great. We finally found something we can agree on! (then; looking around) Now, if only we could find that frickin’ waiter-Just then, the waiter appears before the whole restaurant holding an old boombox. WAITER Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As some of the regulars here already know, I do a little writing and performing on the side... (under his breath) Very little. It’s why I’ve been stuck in this rat-hole for over twenty years... Polite laughter from the room.

59. WAITER I’m just kidding. There are no rats. (a beat) We used them all in the bolognese. But, if you’d all indulge me for just a few minutes, I thought I’d share my latest musical extravaganza with you. (calling out) Hit the lights, Jorge! The lights dim in the room creating a sense of mood lighting. But, it’s a little cheesy. Almost like lighting you’d see on a cruise ship. The waiter presses PLAY on the boombox. MUSIC CUE: I’D ORDER LOVE WAITER This goes out to all the lovers... and future lovers out there... He looks right at Aaron and Casey. They get very self-conscious. WAITER I’m looking at you table four...

Oh my God.

CASEY (super embarrassed) (Note - as he sings, he will head into the restaurant and sing to different tables individually. When he gets to Casey and Aaron’s table, he lifts them out of their seats and basically forces them to slow dance along with the song. Although neither of them really wants to do this, they can’t really get out of it in the moment...)

WAITER I'VE MADE MY CAREER AS A WAITER AND MY JOB, WELL, IT NEVER GETS OLD I'VE SEEN ROMANCES BLOOM WILD AFFAIRS MEET THEIR DOOM EVERY NIGHT, SOME NEW SIGHT TO BEHOLD. YET I FIND, AS I WAIT ON MY TABLES AND SERVE THEM THEIR BASKETS OF BREAD I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK AS THEY PICK OUT A DRINK OF WHAT I WOULD ORDER INSTEAD...

60.

I'D ORDER LOVE DELICIOUS, WELL-SEASONED AND RARE I'D ORDER LOVE A BIG ENOUGH PORTION TO SHARE. BRING ME ALL OF THE HEARTACHE, A SMALL SIDE OF WOE THAT FLAVOR OF LONGING THAT I LONG TO KNOW I DON'T NEED A MENU, JUST SOMEONE TO CARE FOR MY HEART YES, I'D ORDER LOVE THERE'S NO BETTER DISH TO START. I'D ORDER LOVE THAT'S SPICY AND STEAMING AND HOT OH I'D ORDER LOVE SO JUICY - IT JUST HITS THE SPOT. I CRAVE NIGHTS FULL OF PASSION ALL DRIZZLED WITH LUST BREAKFAST IN BED IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST THEN BRING ON THE MARRIAGE, BUT DON'T TOP IT OFF WITH DIVORCE YES, I'D ORDER LOVE IT'S THE VERY BEST SECOND COURSE. I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS OBSERVING LOVING COUPLES, ALL DREAMY AND SWEET FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TIME TO EAT? THIS LACK OF ATTENTION'S UNNERVING I FEAR THAT I'M LOSING MY GRIP IF CUPID KEEPS UP THIS SUBSTANDARD SERVICE I'M SCREWING HIM OUT OF HIS TIP! HE DON'T GET NO TIP! I'D ORDER LOVE APPETIZER, MAIN COURSE AND DESSERT YES, I'D ORDER LOVE EVEN IF IT WAS PEPPERED WITH HURT 'CAUSE AT LEAST I COULD SAVOR THE WAY THAT IT FEELS TO NOT EAT ALONE FOR EACH ONE OF MY MEALS THERE'S A LOT ON THE MENU I'D HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IF I COULD BUT I'D ORDER LOVE 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON EARTH THAT TASTES SO GOOD! MMM, IT TASTES SO GOOD. OH SO VERY GOOD. SO GOOD, SO GOOD.

61. The waiter finishes the song. WAITER Thank you, everybody. Thank you! I’m here all week, folks! The waiter takes off with his boombox. Casey and Aaron pull apart from each other and sit back down. A beat. AARON Well, that wasn’t too awkward. Kinda like when my dad chaperoned the Sock Hop in junior high and forced me to slow-dance with... (grimacing at the thought) ... him. Casey laughs. It kinda breaks the tension between them. AARON Oh, you think that’s funny? Great. Glad I could amuse you... Maybe your new nickname for me should be “Friendo, the Clown.” The waiter returns with two plates of food. WAITER Here we go. One chopped salad for the lady. And one burger for the gentleman... AARON Thanks. But I don’t think we’re going to-CASEY Okay, I think you’re being a little over-dramatic now. The food’s already here. We can still have one meal together. AARON Fine. One very quick meal. The waiter puts down Aaron’s burger. Bon appetit.

WAITER The waiter takes off. They both start eating in silence for a moment, then:

AARON So, BDS, tell me - what are we supposed to talk about now? What do you mean?

CASEY

62. AARON Well, on your other blind dates, after you’ve destroyed their spirits, questioned your overall attraction to them and then let ‘em know in no uncertain terms, that they really don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hooking up with you what do you usually talk about next - the weather? CASEY All right, look - the way I see it, you have two choices right now. You can either sit here and be “angry guy” for the rest of the meal. Or - you can turn that frown upside down and take advantage of this golden opportunity... AARON Uhh, which “golden opportunity” are we talking about exactly? CASEY I apologize if my blunt honesty and obvious lack of tact upset you, Aaron. But the thing is, I know lots of single, eligible, attractive women. And if you play your cards right, I could be the one who sets you up with your soulmate. A beat. Gabe can’t help but perk up. GABE She knows lots of single women? AARON You know lots of single women? CASEY Tons of ‘em. They’re crawling all over this city. GABE Go on... I’m listening... AARON (starting to come around) Okay. I see where you’re going with this. Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way. I mean... we just met. There’s no history here. If it’s not you and me, it could be me and--- countless others.

CASEY Gabe excitedly mouths “countless others” then turns back around.

AARON Fine. I’m game. Who do you have in mind? CASEY Well, that depends. What’s your type?

63. AARON Oh, you know. Nothing too specific, just, I don’t know, maybe... MUSIC CUE: ALLISON’S THEME #2 Allison quickly jumps up from her table behind Casey. She starts posing and modelling and showing off her curves. Aaron starts singing about her as he stares at her. AARON FIVE FOOT FOUR WITH A CREAM COMPLEXION, HAZEL EYES YOU GET LOST IN FOR DAYS. Allison starts singing about herself now, too. ALLISON CHESTNUT HAIR HALFWAY DOWN THE BACK, SLENDER FIGURE WITH BREASTS THAT AMAZE. AARON JUST THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF A DIMPLE... ALLISON POUTY LIPS WITH A LILY WHITE SMILE AARON AND ALLISON TINY BIRTHMARK BELOW THE RIGHT SHOULDERGabe knows he has to cut this off immediately. GABE - AND A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, DEMANDING, EMASCULATING, BALL-BUSTING BEAST FROM HELL. This snaps Aaron out of his reverie. GABE Didn’t I tell you to leave Allison out of this? AARON Yes. You’re right. Moment of weakness. Sorry. Won’t happen again. Aaron looks back at Casey and realizes maybe he said too much... AARON You know what? Forget all that. I trust you. I’m not picky. Allison and Gabe sit back down.

64. CASEY Okay, so do you want a nice girl who you can bring home to Mom and Dad? Or maybe someone a bit more challenging and rebellious but who’s probably way more fun in the sack? AARON I think Dad would probably be thrilled with either at this point. And what about Mom? Kinda hard to say.

CASEY AARON

CASEY (teasing) Why? Will you always be her adorable widdle boy? And no girl will ever be good enough for her baby? AARON No, it’s not that. It’s just that-CASEY -- she wants to keep you all for herself, huh? AARON (matter of fact) My mom’s dead, Casey. She passed away when I was in the tenth grade. And before that, she was so driven and career obsessed, I hardly ever saw her... Casey is momentarily taken aback. CASEY Wow. I feel like a total asshole. I had no idea. I just assumed-AARON That I came from a perfect, white picket fence home? I know. I got that. CASEY So, how did she... I mean, do you mind talking about it? AARON Well, it’s not really first date material... (then; realizing) But, since we are no longer on a first date, I guess it’s ripe for discussion. What happened?

CASEY

65. AARON Well, she was born with a defect in one of the valves in her heart. Most people can live with it their whole lives. But she had a very stressful, very demanding job at her law firm which probably only made things worse. And by the time she started showing any symptoms at all, it was pretty severe. So, she had to go and get emergency surgery. But something went wrong during the-- why am I telling you all this? CASEY Because I’m a good listener. And even if you think I haven’t really shown it tonight, I’m really very sensitive. (then) So, did you even get a chance to say good-bye? AARON Yeah, briefly. But it was before the surgery and things were rushed and we didn’t really know what was going to happen. But, here’s the crazy part. A couple days later I was going through my sock drawer, looking for just the “perfect pair” of socks to wear to the funeral, when... A light shines down on the bar. There’s now a letter on top of it. Aaron notices the letter and walks over to it. AARON I found a letter that she had written to me right before she went to the hospital. Aaron picks up the letter and opens it it’s as if he’s reliving the memory. MUSIC CUE: THE THINGS I NEVER SAID AARON I guess she thought there was a chance she might not be coming back. So she wanted to tell me a few things before she left... CASEY (quietly) What did the letter say? AARON IT ISN'T EASY TO EXPRESS WHAT I FEEL INSIDE BUT THAT SHOULDN'T COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU A backlit vision of AARON’S MOTHER appears behind him holding a piece of paper and a pen. She sings along with him as she writes the letter. She looks at him, but he doesn’t look at her.

66. AARON’S MOTHER & AARON HAVEN'T BEEN THE PERFECT MOM BUT PLEASE KNOW THAT I TRIED I DID THE BEST I COULD AND THAT'S THE BEST THAT I COULD DO. AARON’S MOTHER NOW FACING A FUTURE THAT'S UNCERTAIN I CANNOT SAY WHAT LIES AHEAD BUT I WON'T GIVE UP, I'LL FACE MY FEARS AND FIGHT BACK YEARS OF UNCRIED TEARS AND TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID. AARON ALL OF THE HOURS SPENT AT WORK CONSUMED WITH MY CAREER AARON’S MOTHER I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU THOUGHT I DIDN'T CARE. AARON GRADUATIONS THAT I MISSED ALL THE GAMES I DIDN'T CHEER AARON’S MOTHER I NEVER TOLD YOU THEN BUT HOW I WANTED TO BE THERE. AARON’S MOTHER & AARON AS THOUGHTS OF THE PAST RUN THROUGH MY MEM'RY, THE CHOICES I'VE MADE, THE LIFE I'VE LED AARON’S MOTHER AN OFFICE ON THE HIGHEST FLOOR IT MEANT SO MUCH, BUT YOU MEAN MORE AARON’S MOTHER & AARON THAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS... Aaron’s mother hands the letter to him. He takes it and starts reading from it without ever looking at her. AARON SO MUCH IN MY LIFE I TOOK FOR GRANTED LIKE TUCKING MY CHILDREN INTO BED. AARON’S MOTHER MY WORLD WAS ALWAYS SPINNING FAST THEN IN AN INSTANT, YEARS HAD PASSED AND HERE I SIT WITH SO MUCH LEFT UNSAID... AARON’S MOTHER & AARON I'VE ALWAYS LIVED A WORLD APART

67. AARON’S MOTHER BUT THROUGH IT ALL, YOU WERE MY HEART AARON’S MOTHER & AARON THAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS, OF OH SO MANY THINGS... ...I NEVER SAID.

AARON Aaron’s mother recedes into the background. Aaron carefully puts the letter into his jacket pocket. He returns to the table.

AARON I don’t want to make the same mistakes my mom did, Casey. I won’t make the same mistakes she did. CASEY But what about this whole get-up... and all your hard work... Sounds like you’re doing the exact same thing... AARON No. I don’t care about any of that. It’s just my job - it’s not... me. I’m just trying to make as much money as I can now, so I won’t have to miss out on things later. Casey is touched and isn’t sure exactly how to respond. And she doesn’t need to. Just then, her phone RINGS. AARON Wow. You are very popular tonight. Do you want to-CASEY (mesmerized) No. Not at all... Casey continues staring at Aaron as Reggie takes his usual place on the stage. CASEY’S VOICE (unenthused) Hey, it’s Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah... Voicemail BEEP. MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #3 REGGIE THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY

68. I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT. AND YOU STILL AREN'T ANSWERIN’ YOUR PHONE NOW I'M PISSED, I MEAN REALLY-(speaks) Wait! Hold on! Stop the music! I said - STOP! I don’t want to sing anymore. The music stops cold. Reggie still talks into the phone. REGGIE Okay, seriously, bitch. What’s the deal? ‘Cause this is like my third unreturned phone call tonight. Which is really starting to make me feel desperate. And Reggie doesn’t do desperate. (spiraling) I mean, for real, Casey? One date - and you’re already dumping me for him?! Well, I just can't be taken advantage of like this any longer. It’s too painful. So, good luck to you and your new husband. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (then; change of heart) No, I don't. I take that back. I hope you both burn in hell. (then; worried) Unless you’re already dead. Are you dead? Oh my God, you’re totally dead and he’s making a dress out of your skin at this very moment and you’re never even gonna get this voicemail! (then; determined) That’s it, Case. I’m coming to the rescue. Now, what was the name of that restaurant again? I know you told me... Okay, you know what? Don’t worry about it - I’ll figure it out... (finally) Later, skank. Reggie takes off. We go back to Casey and Aaron. AARON Okay, can you stop staring at me with your mouth hung open like that?! You’re starting to make me feel like some sort of freak. CASEY No, it’s just... I’m rarely surprised by somebody. And you totally just surprised me. AARON Why, ‘cause my mom died? ‘Cause believe me - that’s nothing. Wait till you hear about my nudist Uncle Harry and my “polyamorous” cousin - Dana. Now, those are some stories. Casey laughs. CASEY I’m surprised, Aaron... by how honest and open you just were. Most people put walls up and... aren’t like that.

69. AARON Hey. I told you when I first walked in I was an open book. I wasn’t lying. (then) How’s your salad? Good. Want a bite?

CASEY

AARON Sure. You want a bite of this? Casey nods. They each take a bite of each other’s food. CASEY Mmm. That’s delicious.

AARON Man, that’s good.

AARON Want to... maybe... do a little swapsies? I’m game if you are.

CASEY Aaron quickly switches their two plates. Casey laughs. As Aaron goes to take a bite of the salad, he freezes. Casey turns out to the audience. A spotlight comes up, only on her.

CASEY Okay, am I going crazy? ‘Cause I think, maybe, I’m kinda sorta starting to dig this guy. And don’t say it’s ‘cause he played the “dead mom” card, ‘cause I really don’t think that’s it. I mean, and believe me, I’m starting to puke in my mouth as I say this, but I actually think... (not wanting to say it) .... he has a good heart. And despite his obvious lack of “bad boy” standing, there’s a definite charm and strangely attractive quality to him. Is it possible that I might actually be, just a tiny little bit, in a roundabout sort of way... into him? Aaron unfreezes and takes his bite of food. Then: AARON So? Tell me. I’m waiting. Is anybody springing to mind? For... what?

CASEY

70. AARON To set me up with? Any lady out there matching my detailed and rather challenging list of requirements? Oh, right. That...

CASEY It’s clear Casey had kind of, momentarily, forgotten about this. She tries to get back into it - even though she really doesn’t want to set Aaron up with anybody else.

CASEY Yeah, uhm, let me think. Well... (shaking it off) ... okay, there’s my friend, Nina. And what’s she like?

AARON

CASEY Actress. A little cray-cray and all over the place, has a touch of the bi-polar in her... but really, very sweet... AARON Well, with a recommendation like that... Who else you got? CASEY Okay. Then there’s Trish. Super-cute. Super-clingy. Girl finds a guy and just holds on for dear life. Like a perky little barnacle. But, if you’re into that kind of thing... AARON I think I’d prefer someone maybe just a bit more independent. CASEY Oh, wait a second, this could be good. I have this new friend, Allison...

Allison?

(gulp)

AARON

CASEY Yeah, she just got out of a relationship not too long ago, but she’s ready to date again. Aaron’s face starts to drop. AARON (dreading it) What’s her last name?

71. CASEY (trying to remember) What is her last name? Allison... Allisonnnnnnn... This is killing Aaron. CASEY Oh, I know! Allison Weaver. AARON Oh, thank God. You almost just gave me a heart attack there for the second time tonight. Aaron takes a deep breath and a long sip of water. CASEY Why? What’s wrong? Do you know her? AARON No. I just thought for a minute you were gonna say someone else. Who? Allison...

CASEY AARON Gabe suddenly jumps up from his seat.

GABE Aaron, I want you to think very carefully before you do this...

Zimmerman.

AARON (ignoring) Gabe crashes to the floor - defeated.

CASEY Who’s Allison Zimmerman? Allison suddenly perks up in her seat. ALLISON (direct; stand-off-ish) Yeah, Aaron. Who’s Allison Zimmerman? AARON Oh, no one special. Just this girl who was my... Gabe rises up on his knees behind their table. He emphatically shakes his head “no” while saying “uh-uhh.” “Uh-uhhh.”

72.

Who was your what?

CASEY Aaron looks at Gabe one more time defiantly, and then:

AARON ... my fiancée. Allison Zimmerman was my fiancée. GABE (to himself; frustrated) What’s the point imagining me, if you’re not going to listen to a freakin’ word I say?! Gabe sits back down angrily. CASEY Oh. I didn’t know you were engaged. Wait - is this the ex who was mute? AARON No, that would just be wishful thinking. CASEY So, how close were you guys to getting married? I would say very close.

AARON

CASEY Had you already sent out the invitations? AARON Oh, yeah. Wedding gifts had been bought. Band had been hired. People had, actually, already started taking their seats... if memory serves. CASEY (stunned) She left you on your wedding day? Aaron looks right at Allison. AARON No, Casey. That I could have handled. She... left me standing there - by myself - under the chuppah. Allison looks at Aaron and shrugs. My bad.

ALLISON

73.

Oh my God!

CASEY

(then) What’s a chuppah?! AARON It’s kinda like an altar... CASEY Why would she do such a thing? AARON I’m... not exactly sure. Though, when I found her, sprinting off in the parking lot, she did say one thing to me. Which was?

CASEY

AARON AND ALLISON “I’m sorry, Aaron. But I just can’t do this...” CASEY “I just can’t do this?” What this girl’s address? I’m in the mood to go cut a bitch. AARON Oh, come on. I’m sure she had her reasons. CASEY Whatever her reasons - you don’t do that to somebody. (then) How long ago did this happen? AARON Fourteen months. Two weeks. Three days... I mean, something like that... CASEY Have you talked to her since? AARON No, she decided it would be better if there was “no communication” between us. Or at least that’s what her mother told me when I showed up drunk to their Thanksgiving dinner. CASEY You realize I’m hating this girl more and more by the second? AARON Don’t. I mean, there was a lot of pressure on both of us. And-CASEY Why are you defending her? Are you still in love with her?

74. AARON No! It’s just... I guess I never really got any closure... And maybe a small piece of me thought... she’d change her mind and come back. CASEY Well, obviously, you must have a ton of feelings about this. I would say so...

AARON

CASEY Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. Imagine Allison was right here, right now. What? Why?

AARON

CASEY This is something I do with my therapist. My dad and I have had quite a few productive “conversations” this way. Just go with it for a second... Allison gets up from her table and heads over to Aaron. AARON (yeah, right) Sorry. Not seein’ her. CASEY C’mon, work with me, Aaron! So, here she is. Standing right in front of you. Maybe looking the way she did the last time you saw her... Suddenly, a veil drops down from the ceiling. Allison catches it and puts it on. She then grabs a small wedding bouquet out from inside the centerpiece on the table. Do you see her now?

CASEY

AARON I’ve... kinda got an image of what she might look like floating around in my head. CASEY Okay, good. Now, talk to her. Tell her all the things you’ve been waiting fourteen months, two weeks and three days to get off your chest... And don’t hold back...

75. Aaron stands up next to Allison. He’s incredibly timid. Hello, Allison.

AARON

ALLISON Hi, Aaron... You have something you want to say to me? MUSIC CUE: IN LOVE WITH YOU No, I, uhh-Come on! You can do it!

AARON CASEY

AARON Yeah, actually. I suppose I do... AARON I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS LIKE UNTIL I SAW YOUR FACE AND SUDDENLY, I FELT A LOVE THAT TIME CAN NOT ERASE. YOUR EYES SO SWEET AND PIERCING YOUR MANNER KIND YET STRONG THE KIND OF GIRL I COULD LOVE FOREVER WE'D SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER AND IN MY LIFE, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER... BEEN SO FUCKING WRONG! YOU'RE A BITCH WITH NO HEART YOU'RE A LIAR, YOU ARE SATAN AND I HATE THE WAY YOU SNORE AT NIGHT! ALL YOUR QUIRKS PISS ME OFF AND I DON'T THINK I'M MISSTATIN' YOUR COMPULSIVE NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT! YOU'RE BOSSY AND JUDGMENTAL KIND OF TACTLESS, WHOREY TOO AND I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Aaron turns to Casey. Too much?

AARON

CASEY Not enough! Keep going! I’m lovin’ this! Aaron turns back to Allison. Casey continues to cheer him on.

76. AARON I KNOW THAT ALL SEEMED KIND OF HARSH AND THINGS WEREN'T ALWAYS BAD IN FACT, I THINK SOME TIMES WE SHARED WERE THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER HAD. LIKE OUR ROAD TRIP THAT ONE SUMMER OR THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS IN SPAIN... YOU ALWAYS MELTED WHEN I WOULD PRAISE YOU AND MY STUPID JOKES, THEY WOULD NEVER PHASE YOU BUT THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT NEXT TO ALL THE WAYS YOU DROVE ME SO INSANE! YOU'RE A COCK-FRICKIN'-TEASE GIRL, YOU NEVER STOP YOUR TALKING AND AT TIMES YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN YOU MAY SAY IT’S GOOD FUN BUT YOUR RACIST RANTS ARE SHOCKING AND YOUR LIPS DON’T NEED MORE COLLAGEN ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW MUCH SOMEONE MAKES AND WHAT THEY DO NOT A MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. YOU ALWAYS CRITICIZED THE CLOTHES THAT I WOULD WEAR AND FOUND A WAY OF POINTING OUT MY THINNING HAIR -Really nice! YOU TURNED ME VEGAN, WHICH I TOTALLY DESPISE AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU LAUGHED THAT TIME I SAID “LET’S COMPROMISE.” IF YOU WERE SHOT OR BEATEN RUN OVER BY A TRUCK I GUESS THAT I'D BE SAD BUT THEN AGAIN, IT WOULDN'T SUCK... IT WOULDN’T SUCK! SO GOODBYE, HIT THE ROAD AS A GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE FIRED! FIND SOME OTHER CHUMP THAT YOU CAN FLEECE. YEARS FROM NOW, WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND YOU'VE FINALLY EXPIRED GIRL, I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T REST IN PEACE. NEVER MET SOMEONE SO SELFISH HALF THE TIME, MY BALLS WERE BLUE AFTER ALL THAT I'VE ENDURED NOW YOU CAN SAFELY REST ASSURED NOW THAT YOUR EX IS UP AND CURED NOW YEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU! WHOA, WE'RE THROUGH! WE'RE SO DONE, ALLISON HONEYBUN, IT'S, LIKE, OVER IT WAS ON, NOW IT'S GONE AND I'VE REGAINED MY COMPOSURE SO GOD BLESS, YOU'RE A MESS

77. AND THAT'S WHAT I CALL CLOSURE YEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU! Aaron flips Allison off with both hands defiantly. Now how did that feel?

CASEY

AARON Surprisingly good! Yeah, I actually feel alive! Rejuvenated! Energized! Like a giant, soul-sucking weight has just been lifted off my chest. See! I told you so!

CASEY Gabe stands and heads over to Aaron.

GABE I’ve never been so proud of you in my whole entire life. (teary-eyed) It’s like the pupil has become the teacher... Gabe and Aaron do a “man hug.” Gabe sits as a now cocky Aaron sits back down with Casey. Just then, the waiter comes back to the table. How we doing over here? Great. Really great.

You finished?

WAITER AARON AND CASEY

WAITER (re: food)

Yeah, I think we are.

AARON

WAITER Can I get you guys anything else this evening? Dessert? Coffee? Another food-related production number? No!

AARON AND CASEY

WAITER Your loss. Here you go... The waiter clears their plates and places the bill down on the table.

78. Aaron and Casey both look down at it and instantly go into a freeze as the waiter and various patrons sing intently. MUSIC CUE: THE CHECK! PATRONS & WAITER THE CHECK! THE CHECK! WHO'S GOING TO PAY THE CHECK? IT'S A MYSTERY WHERE EVERYTHING'S AT STAKE. A GUY, A GIRL, A BLACK FAUX LEATHER FOLDER, A SERIES OF MISTAKES THAT YOU COULD MAKE! MEN SHOULD A WOMAN LEAVE AND “FRESHEN UP” WOMEN WHILE HE WHIPS OUT HIS CREDIT CARD? EVERYONE SHOULD THEY GO DUTCH OR NOT SO MUCH LEST EGOS END UP SCRAPED AND SCARRED? MEN IT'S ALL THOSE CRAZY FEMINISTS WHO MADE THIS SHIT SO FRIGGIN' HARD!

Hey, watch it!

(pissed)

WOMEN

EVERYONE I'D RATHER SOMEONE WRING MY NECK THAN WONDER WHO THE HELL IS S'POSED TO PAY THE CHECK! The songs ends. unfreeze. I got this. No, let me.

Aaron and Casey

CASEY AARON

CASEY Why don’t we just split it? AARON Because I’m pretty sure this is the one thing I have over all your ex-es. So, please - just give me this... Okay. Thank you, Aaron.

CASEY

79. Casey removes her hand from the bill. Aaron takes out his wallet and puts some cash down. A beat. Then: AARON All right, I might just be setting myself up for some hard core rejection right now. But at the moment I’m feeling rather empowered, so, fuck it. (then; boldly) I don’t want to go out with any of your friends, Casey. I want to go out with you. Casey looks at him, impressed by his boldness. AARON I think we have a good rapport, we both like Quantum Leap, in a very brief time you’ve helped me with my “ex” drama, and don’t ask me why, but I think your particular brand of edgy and creative could actually be good for me. And I think after all the other guys you’ve been with - my particular brand of structure and stability could actually be good for you, too... Now, I know I might not be exactly the kind of guy you’re used to going out with. But, clearly, for some reason that hasn’t worked out in the past. So, maybe it’s time you try someone different. Well, Casey, what do you say? Casey just sits there, not knowing exactly how to respond... A long beat. Then, Gabe springs up from his table trying to be consoling. GABE All right, buddy. Good try! But I think you got your answer. Now let’s wrap this thing up. There’s a whole wide world of internet pornography at home just begging to be explored. AARON Tell you what? You have my number. Why don’t you call me if you’d like to hang out again. And, if not, thank you for a very... memorable evening. Aaron grabs his coat and leaves the restaurant. Casey just sits there for a moment - what did she just do? Lauren gets up from her seat. LAUREN Well, I’m glad you just let him go, sis. That was definitely the right choice there. Hey - I have an idea! Why don’t we drunk-dial some of your old boyfriends when we get home so we can have even more mistakes to regret in the morning?! The waiter crosses over to her.

80.

Everything all right?

WAITER

CASEY (in a daze) Uhm, no. Not at all. Casey grabs her coat and walks out of the restaurant. A confused waiter opens up the bill and looks at the money Aaron has left. He makes a slightly disappointed noise. He then starts cleaning up their table. He whistles a bit of “I’D ORDER LOVE” as he wipes the table down. Just then, Casey’s friend Reggie comes charging into the restaurant in a total panic. He frantically searches the place. Can I help you?

WAITER

REGGIE Yeah. I’m looking for my friend: attractive. Dressed kinda funky. Mildly abrasive. I think she told me she was meeting some random guy here for a drink... You just missed them.

WAITER

REGGIE Oh my God! Oh my God! Okay - answer this - do you remember if she was in the act of being, or had just been, chloroformed? All right, look...

WAITER The waiter sits Reggie down.

WAITER All I know is that he seemed like a perfectly nice guy. So, why don’t you just take a deep breath and try to calm down. Reggie starts taking some deep breaths. REGGIE Deep breaths. That’s a good idea. I guess I get a little worked up some times. People tell me I tend to have a very over-active imagination. WAITER (off-hand) Don’t we all...

81.

You do, too?

REGGIE

WAITER Who, me? Oh, uh, sure. I’m always dreamin’ up something. A new recipe. Some useless invention. I even write some songs and a little love poetry on the side... Really?

REGGIE

(still deep breathing) Can I hear some? WAITER Well, you already missed tonight’s musical ditty, but... I’ve got like a whole notebook full of rhymes and what-not in the back. Let me go get it. The waiter starts to head off. Reggie calls out to him. Miss you already!

REGGIE Just then, REGGIE’S MOM pops up from another table. (Note: This is not a patron, but clearly a character in Reggie’s head...)

REGGIE’S MOM Another waiter, honey? Really? Hadn’t we decided on our mother-son spa weekend to “aim higher.” REGGIE I’m sorry, Mom. They’re my Kryptonite. What do you want from me?! A HANDSOME, TOUGH GUY-looking patron with a moustache pops up from another table, stopping the waiter from getting to the kitchen. (Again, this character is all part of the Waiter’s imagination.) TOUGH GUY (hurt; to waiter) Are you freakin’ kidding me right now? You’re gonna read him some of your poetry? When those words were clearly meant for me?! Get over it, Gilberto.

WAITER And with that, the restaurant recedes into the background.

82. Bringing us back to the New York skyline set that opened the show. Aaron walks alone through the city. Casey calls out as she races up to him. CASEY Hi. Remember me? I was the girl who just let you walk out a few minutes ago without even saying good bye. AARON Sounds vaguely familiar. Right. Well, here I am.

CASEY

AARON Are you lost? Did I... leave something at the restaurant? I mean, besides my dignity... CASEY No, actually I just thought maybe you could... walk me home? I mean - if you want. No pressure... Aaron smiles, trying to hide his excitement. AARON I guess I could handle that... as long as you don’t live in, like, Hoboken or something. CASEY No, it’s just a few blocks. In that case...

AARON Aaron does a couple quick leg stretches.

Okay. Now I’m ready...

AARON Casey laughs. MUSIC CUE: SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST As they start walking together, they both sing. Each in their own heads.

CASEY WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE START OF SOMETHING THAT IS NEW IT'S A CHANCE TO MAKE A CHANGE TRY A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW

83. WHEN YOU MAY HAVE FOUND THE SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU BETTER THAN YOU ARE YOU'D BE A JERK TO RUN AWAY SO YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH AND STAY... AARON WHEN THE PERSON BY YOUR SIDE IS NOT WHO YOU HAD PLANNED BUT YOU FEEL THE SUDDEN URGE TO TAKE A CHANCE AND HOLD HER HAND AND YOU YEARN FOR LETTING GO OF ALL THE BAGGAGE IN YOUR PAST IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW JUST HOW FAR THIS THING MIGHT GO... BOTH WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW OR A HUNDRED YEARS FROM HERE CASEY WE COULD FALL FLAT ON OUR FACES OR FALL MORE IN LOVE EACH YEAR. AARON WITH SO LITTLE TO BE SURE OF CASEY POSSIBILITIES ARE VAST BOTH THIS MAY BE ONE PERFECT MOMENT OR MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST. They stop in front of a door simulating Casey’s apartment building. CASEY Well, this is my place... Ahh - yes. So it is...

AARON They both stand there for a moment. It’s one of those “end of the first date, are we going to kiss?” moments. Aaron looks up at the brownstone to break the tension.

AARON Nice building. Excellent... structural... engineering... with the-Just then, Gabe appears on the stage.

84. GABE Quit stalling and tap that shit already. AARON -- columns. And bricks... CASEY Thank you. I designed it all myself... Just then Lauren appears on stage. LAUREN Okay. You are going to give him one kiss - on the cheek - but that’s it. V-town is closed to the public tonight. Got it? The two just stand there - waiting to see if either will make a move. Suddenly, Allison appears on stage. ALLISON You are so not ready to take things to the next level with this girl. What you really need to do is continue waiting for me... The Edgy British Guy also appears on stage. EDGY BRITISH GUY And this is why it can never work out with you two, love. We would have already been snogging by now... The Friendly Therapist also appears on stage. FRIENDLY THERAPIST All this inner turmoil you’re feeling right now - it’s going to give us a ton of new fodder for therapy on Tuesday. Aaron decides NOT to kiss her. AARON All right. Good night, Casey. CASEY (slightly disappointed) Good night, Aaron. As Aaron walks away, he stops himself. AARON WHEN YOU FEEL THAT SUDDEN SPARK THAT’S BEEN GONE SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN GOTTA SET YOUR FEARS ASIDE AND ATTEMPT TO TRY AGAIN

85. GABE Yes. For the love of God. Try again! CASEY I COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READY THAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REAL BUT I’VE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFORE I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE... LAUREN That’s right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good guy in. Aaron walks away. And yet... BOTH WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE AARON WE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER CASEY OR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE AARON ALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY CASEY NEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST BOTH SO THERE’S NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT... Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to Casey, grabs her and gives her a real kiss. All of the voices in their heads watch on - none prouder than Gabe and Lauren. (And none more upset than Allison). After a moment, they pull away, both surprised by the connection. They start to sing again - continuing the thought from before. BOTH BUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST... I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ON I WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIES GET THE BEST OF ME. The voices in their heads start fading away one by one.

86. BOTH OH WHOA THOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONE I WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTURE AND JUST WAIT AND SEE... All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and Lauren are the last two to leave...) Casey and Aaron now sing to each other alone on stage. BOTH IF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROW IF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIME OR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST US AND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB. ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT, MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST... AARON Okay, bye. I mean it this time - bye. Bye.

CASEY He puts out his hand to shake. She shakes it and then turns it into the fist bump that explodes backward. They laugh and start to walk off in opposite directions.

BOTH (to themselves) RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST. They look back at each other one last time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey heads into her apartment building as the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.

85. GABE Yes. For the love of God. Try again! CASEY I COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READY THAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REAL BUT I’VE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFORE I DON’T WANT TO ANYMORE... LAUREN That’s right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good guy in. Aaron walks away. And yet... BOTH WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE AARON WE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER CASEY OR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE AARON ALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY CASEY NEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST BOTH SO THERE’S NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT... Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to Casey, grabs her and gives her a real kiss. All of the voices in their heads watch on - none prouder than Gabe and Lauren. (And none more upset than Allison). After a moment, they pull away, both surprised by the connection. They start to sing again - continuing the thought from before. BOTH BUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST... I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ON I WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIES GET THE BEST OF ME. The voices in their heads start fading away one by one.

86. BOTH OH WHOA THOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONE I WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTURE AND JUST WAIT AND SEE... All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and Lauren are the last two to leave...) Casey and Aaron now sing to each other alone on stage. BOTH IF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROW IF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIME OR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST US AND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB. ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT, MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST... AARON Okay, bye. I mean it this time - bye. Bye.

CASEY He puts out his hand to shake. She shakes it and then turns it into the fist bump that explodes backward. They laugh and start to walk off in opposite directions.

BOTH (to themselves) RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST. They look back at each other one last time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey heads into her apartment building as the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.