Fireworks With Females
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Fireworks with Females
All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Fireworks with Females
What is Meet Your Sweet? Your new life starts today. With MeetYourSweet.com, you get the ultimate toolkit to creating the success you crave in Life and Relationships. We know that you’ve got the smarts to take care of most areas of your life. So why should dating and relationships be any different? That’s why we here at MeetYourSweet.com take a life coach’s perspective to romance. We don’t want to give you a paint-by-numbers program or dumb down what it takes to master REAL success. Rather, our goal is to empower you by giving you the life skills that you need to achieve a complete personal and social transformation… …the kind that will have you feeling confident, secure, desirable, and powerful, no matter what challenge you face! We’ve done the research, and we know what works. Our thoroughly researched, non-manipulative approach harnesses capacities that everyone has within them. Whether you’re male or female, young or old, single or in a relationship, we can help you become the absolute best you can be at relating with the opposite sex. Just imagine it. Gone are the days of struggling to get a date. Gone are the days of struggling to keep someone attracted. Gone are the days of worrying about whether you’re good-looking enough, popular enough, or captivating enough or to get attention from the opposite sex! With MeetYourSweet.com, you get expert advice from a team of the world’s greatest writers, life coaches, and counselors in the field of dating and relationships. Every Meet Your Sweet course includes collaborations with top names in the field. Our team of contributing authors includes our very own Slade Shaw and Mirabelle Summers, as well as Amy Waterman from 000Relationships.com and Andrew Rusbatch from SaveMyMarriageToday.com. So kickstart your personal and social transformation with MeetYourSweet.com. We look forward to hearing how our courses have changed you!
All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or distributed in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from MeetYourSweet.com. The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall MeetYourSweet.com be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.
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Contents Foreword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 How this book works. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 A quick word on my own style. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Section One: Attraction From the Inside Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Setting Your Own Beliefs: the Two-Part Process. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 Part One: Ridding Yourself of Negative Self-Talk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Actionable Attraction Challenge #1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Actionable Attraction Challenge #2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Part Two: Instilling the Beliefs that You Want. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 Actionable Attraction Challenge #3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 A Quick Word on Game-Playing and Manipulation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Figure Out What You Have to Offer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Know What You Want. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 The Non-Role of the Ego in Creating What You Want. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68 The Scarcity Mindset . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Be High Value . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Actionable Attraction Challenge #4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Don’t Get Too Attached to the Outcome. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Important Points to Remember from Section One. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Section Two: The Knowledge You Need to Escalate to the Next Level. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86 External Signifiers of Attractiveness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Style and Attraction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94
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Do Your Looks Matter?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96 Lifestyle Design 101. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 Actionable Attraction Challenge #5 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104 Where to Meet Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107 Important Points to Remember from Section Two. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116 Section Three: How to Communicate With Women. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 How Not to Talk to Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Actionable Attraction Challenge #6 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126 How to Be Compelling. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131 How to Start a Conversation With a Woman. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 Create Attraction through Radical Honesty. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140 So What Do You Actually SAY?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 How to Deal With Rejection. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 Getting Her Information. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156 What to Do With Her Information . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160 Important Points to Remember from Section Three. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 162 Section Four: Female Psychology. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165 Women Want a Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167 Romance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173 Getting Physical. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178 Important Points to Remember from Section Four. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187 Section Five: How to Make a Relationship Last . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189 Important Points to Remember from Section Five. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 Afterword. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198 Bibliography/Recommended Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200 Recommended Reading. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
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Foreword The masculine error is to think that eventually things will be different in some fundamental way. They won’t. It never ends. As long as life continues, the creative challenge is to tussle, play, and make love with the present moment while giving your unique gift. - David Deida, ‘The Way of the Superior Man’
Hey. I know you. You’re that guy. You’re that guy that other men stare at in bars, clubs, and on the street, torn between an equal wish to pick your brain and club you to death with their bare hands. You’re that guy who always has just the right mix of dry, cocky wit and genuine-good-guy vibe, that guy who slides in under the radar and gets results that most can only dream about. You’re that guy who pisses a lot of other guys off. You’re that guy that women love. You’re that guy. You can trust me: he’s right there, inside you. Want to know how I know?
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It’s because, after years of doing what I do, I still have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t ‘get it’ on some level. They just need a few small tweaks – just a few MINOR ADJUSTMENTS – before they can start getting the results they’ve been dreaming about. Thing is, most guys don’t even know that they’ve ‘got it’ … … and most get so screwed up from constantly making small mistakes, and not realizing they’re making them, that they can’t trust themselves any more … … and they end up just kind of giving up. This doesn’t have to happen to you. Once you cut through all the layers of scrambled connections and crossed wires – all the B.S. that’s caused by years of those ordinary little mistakes, slowly compounding on one another – you get to the realization that you already know what to do. You already know how to be great with women. You – yes, you personally - just don’t know it yet. You just don’t trust it yet. You figure, your instincts have led you astray so many times now, you just can’t trust them any more. You don’t trust yourself yet. But you will. We’re going to some serious rearranging of the matter between your ears. And when we’re done, I’m not going to lie to you: you’re probably still going to make some mistakes. But you’ll know when you’re making a mistake, and you’ll know what it is …
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… and (here’s the clincher) you’ll know what to do about it. And after a little while, the amount of time spent in damage control’s going to be seriously minimize – because, given enough self-awareness, and enough experience, you literally won’t even be making those mistakes any more. And a little while after that, you’re going to start getting in touch with the guy you really are. The one you read about at the top of the previous page. Sound good? Yeah, it’s not so bad – but you’ve got to be prepared to put up with some crap from other guys who aren’t used to seeing guys like you in action. And that’s when you’re going to have to start dealing with jealousy and envy from other dudes. It’s the price you pay for being good with women. Figure you can make that sacrifice? Then let’s go.
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Introduction Some time ago, my awareness and recognition of the world underwent a quantum shift. Things, as it turned out, were not the way I had always held them to be. They were different. Disturbingly so. In a matter of days, something that I had previously never even considered to be a possibility was proven to be nothing other than a FACT of life. Here’s what I realized. I woke up to the fact that it doesn’t matter what a GREAT guy you might be … that, if you don’t know to CONVEY that greatness to the women of your choice, in a way that they can UNDERSTAND and RECOGNIZE, then you are in TROUBLE. Sound naïve? Maybe a little unbelievable that it took me til I was in my mid-twenties or so to figure something out that most other guys figured out when they were in middle school? Perhaps. But I’m not always so slow off the mark. I believe there were extenuating circumstances, in fact. Allow me to explain … When I was at university (seems like a lifetime ago now), I had a certain group of friends. There were about 10 or 15 of us, and even though we’d arrived at college from all corners of the country, we just seemed to gravitate towards one another. At parties, organized socials, and just around the campus, we’d always bump into each other … and end up hanging out for the rest of the day. Sometimes, til the wee hours of the All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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next morning, too. It was weird. It wasn’t like we had much in common – heck, some of us didn’t even take classes together. We didn’t room together. Often, we weren’t in the same dorms. So what was going on? How come we all ended up in the same group … and how come we all got on so well? At the time, I had no idea. But now - now that I’m older (and, I hope, wiser), I’ve come to realize what was happening. It wasn’t that we had physical, material things in common like classes or dorm rooms. It was more that we were recognizing kindred spirits … … and being inexorably drawn to one another. What did we have in common? Well … it’s not like we were modern-day Lotharios, or anything quite so grandiose. But we all had a certain ‘manner’ with the ladies, and this ability stood us in good stead. This is what we had in common: an ability to just connect with the opposite sex. And for the most part, relatively effortlessly. Of course, we were by no means perfect. But compared to the rest of the guys in our class, I guess we just learned faster than most … and definitely had fewer problems All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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experimenting with and applying what we noticed about women to our interactions with them. I’ll say it again: in all honesty, this seemed perfectly natural and normal. It was nothing out of the ordinary … at least, not to the members of our group. We were surrounded by women – in our dorms, our classes, our part-time jobs – day and night. They were always around. In that environment, it seemed impossible to not be on a constant, steep learning curve. And our abilities to recognize and make good on those opportunities were what set us apart from the rest of the more ‘normal’ guys at our college … and it’s what forged the bonds of friendship among us. We ended up forming kind of an informal gang, and would hang out (maraud?) at parties and gigs and generally have a great time together. I spent most of my time socializing with this large, but tight-knit, group of guys (and, of course, the women who followed us around like the colorful, giggling tail of a bright and well-socially-orchestrated comet.) I didn’t really spend much time with ‘other guys’ outside of my group… … so I never had an opportunity to figure out what life was like for the REST of the guys on our campus. It sounds crass and unbelievably naïve now (even to me), but at the time, I genuinely didn’t realize that our little group was anything out of the ordinary. I figured that this must be how things were for all guys. We had a good time, we studied (sometimes), we partied hard, and we never had to try too hard with women. We all had a healthy amount of sex. Some of us had girlfriends, some of us didn’t, but the point is that we never had to put that much effort in.
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We just seemed to understand how to instinctively ‘gel’ with women: how to say the things they liked to hear, act in ways that amused and entranced them, horse around and get some laughs, and – most importantly – they were attracted to us. I now know enough to call guys like these ‘naturals’. And I guess that’s what WE were. We never had to THINK about what we were doing with women. If we had been asked to ‘explain ourselves’, or teach other guys what to do, we wouldn’t even have known what to say. We’d probably just shrug, and say something like, ‘I dunno … just go out there and be yourself. Works for us.’ Not because we were idiots, or cruel, or arrogant. It was just because we were almost paralytically unaware of how life was for the rest of the male population. Look, I’m not ‘tooting my own horn’, or bragging, or anything like that. I’m just trying to explain what compelled me to write this book. Long story short, college ended (as it does for everyone). We didn’t think anything would really change all that much – sure, we’d have to go out and get jobs, but come on. A social life was a social life – how hard could it be to build up a new circle? As it turned out, it was much harder than any of us had anticipated. I accepted a job on the East Coast, and moved out there the summer that I graduated. My friends mostly stayed around the West Coast. A few of them moved to Colorado, a few of them went down South, but mostly they continued to hang out around our old stomping ground. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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And so I underwent an immediate immersion in Life Outside College … … and, more importantly, I was abruptly introduced to how life was for ‘most guys.’ In a new city, where I didn’t know anyone, I was forced to get out there and meet some new dudes to hang out with. ‘No big deal,’ I thought. ‘Bring it on!’ I decided to prioritize male friendship over and above feminine intercourse (social and otherwise) in this instance. Personally, I’ve always found that I work better, both professionally and socially, against a solid backdrop of male companionship, and felt no desire to shortchange myself – especially alone and, at first, a little daunted in a new city. So I figured that I’d get on my feet before taking any kind of significant notice of the female component of my new cityscape. I’d concentrate on getting the basics sorted: getting a job, an apartment, making platonic (i.e. woman-free) social progress. That sort of thing. Fortunately, it didn’t take me long to meet a bunch of new guys to hang out with (I’m a pretty social animal), and before long, I had a fairly decent social network. But. Within a few weeks, I was pretty demoralized. Shaken up, freaked out – I missed my old compatriots with a yearning akin to dehydration. It was like being trapped on the inclement surface of an ugly new planet, alone and thirsty … with nary an oasis in sight. ‘What is going on over here?’ I thought to myself. It was my own ‘coming of age’ wake-up party: the wool had finally, abruptly, and painfully, been ripped from my innocent young eyes. I finally saw for myself the depths to which smart, funny, entertaining, interesting, goodAll Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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looking guys were going to make themselves attractive to women … and yet regardless, their dating prospects continued on a plane of awfulness hitherto completely unfamiliar to me. Some of them would go for months on end without a date. One or two of them had been for years. One of the guys I was closest to hadn’t had sex for NINE MONTHS. What was going on here?? And how were they surviving without sex?? (I later found out that they managed because, quite simply, they had to. A simple lack of perceived opportunity, and a dearth of the necessary ‘reflexive’ social assertiveness to do anything about it, made the choice for them – and enforced it quite stringently.) You have to understand that this was pretty unsettling for me. I mean, I’d spent pretty much my entire adult life to date in the company of men who were, to a large extent, effortlessly successful with women (myself included). It had never been a big deal before, for any of us. And yet NOW, I had all these great new friends whom I got on really well with … and yet their dating lives were terrible. And it wasn’t because there was a shortage of women. On the contrary. Living in a big city, we were literally surrounded by beautiful women. Walking to work in the morning … out drinking lattes with their friends on sidewalk cafes … working up a sweat in tight Lycra at the gym … shaking their little asses on the dancefloor in clubs. They were everywhere … … and they were hot.
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And they knew it. Yet, despite the absolute abundance of gorgeous women … and despite these guys’ own success, senses of humor, great jobs, and entertaining personalities … … most of the guys I’d befriended just didn’t know how to make any kind of progress with women. It freaked me right out. And it sure made me grateful for the company I’d kept over the last five or six years. But I couldn’t just sit there and watch these guys fall on their faces with women over and over again. I owed it to them as their friend (and to all the women in the city who were resoundingly desperate for decent men to date) to help them out of the social quagmire that they found themselves in. So I decided to ‘pick my own brain’, consciously put aside my ‘natural’ status with women, and deliberately figure out what the essential, key differences were between my ‘college friends’ and my ‘new friends’. It was at this point that, by a strange twist of fate, I met the woman who was to co-author this book with me. I met Mirabelle Summers through one of those ‘friend of a friend’ situations, and we hit it off immediately. We had so much in common to talk about – both of us were passionate about ‘the science of attraction’, and when I told her about the project I was embarking upon, she wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. She wanted to get involved. And having just exited a protracted and painful breakup herself, ‘attraction’ was ALREADY on her mind a lot … why not put that (and her years of experience as a professional dating coach and online relationships author) to good use? So together, we set out to figure out what it was about those fifteen or so guys from my university days that set them apart to such a remarkable extent from the thirty or so guys in All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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my current social network? What was holding these new dudes back? The two of us became quite incensed by this topic, and between us, we both pretty much turned into recluses for a couple of months. I introduced Mirabelle to all my new friends, and the two of us would go out and party with them. But we weren’t doing it for pleasure alone. We were spurred on by a thirst for knowledge. The two of us were out there like social automatons, scrutinizing every move that these guys made and noting it down in our heads. When the night finished, we’d compare what we noticed. Then, when I went home for the night, I’d pull the shutters, turn the phone off, and make copious anthropological notes. (I can’t speak for what Mirabelle got up to at nights, because, um, it’s not like that. No, really. It’s not.) I was drawing comparisons between what I’d just seen ‘in the field’, what Mirabelle had seen, and what I used to see every time I went out with the ‘naturals’. Slowly but surely, patterns began to form. We were beginning to figure out a ‘formula’ for how the men who were the most reliably successful with women acted when around them … …and, at the same time, we were becoming more and more aware of the mistakes that my ‘post-college’ friends were making. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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It was finally becoming clear to us both. Look, don’t misinterpret me here. Mirabelle and I don’t have some sort of ‘supernatural powers’ when it comes to 'what works' with women. We’re just normal people. And heck, so were my friends back in those heady college days. In fact … my group back then wasn't really that different from the dudes I met post-college in my city on the East Coast. We were alike in nearly every way – but with one huge difference. One group of guys knew how to convey their ‘coolness’ to the women in their lives … and one group did not. One group realized consistent, ongoing success with desirable women … and one group continued to go home alone every single night, and wake up alone every single morning. The difference was simply how they communicated themselves to the women they wanted. The ‘naturals’ had a way of talking to women … a way of behaving when around them … that women understood, and were attracted to. Women instinctively understood the worth of these guys. The ‘post-college’ group, though, lacked this ability. And as a result – even though they were just as entertaining, interesting, smart, and successful as the ‘naturals’ – they rarely, if ever, had success with a woman. And if Fate did smile on them every once in awhile, their subsequent encounters were always at the whim of the women – they never had any control themselves over who found them attractive. They just took what was available, as and when it became so. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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They were completely at the mercy of feminine caprice. Mirabelle and I wanted to change that. And so, the two of us got my new friends together and spread the word that we were going to help them shed their cluelessness and become as successful with the opposite sex as we could possibly assist them in being. I was going to use the benefit of my years of complete social immersion with the ‘naturals’ for their express enlightenment. And Mirabelle and I were going to compare and contrast the way they worked with women, with the way that my ‘natural’ buddies did. We were going to try and save them as much blood, sweat, pain, and effort along the way as we possibly could. So here’s what happened. We gave an impromptu lecture on the subject. Nothing fancy. The two of us just stood up in front of a basement full of men, and explained to them how we perceived their strengths and weaknesses in terms of getting success with the women of their choice. They listened to us talk. Some of them took notes. (One guy even had a Dictaphone.) And then they went out and applied what we said to their lives. Here’s the crazy part. Things began to change for these guys at an astronomical rate.
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Their success levels with women improved significantly, dramatically, and quickly. I’m talking instantaneous transformations. Either these guys had been so bad with women that ‘any’ advice would have made a difference – or the advice that we had to give was good enough to help them create the success that they so desperately longed for. I figure, in retrospect, that it was probably a blend of both. Yeah, a lot of those guys were so clueless that just about any kind of objective advice would probably have helped … but at the same time, I must admit that we did have a somewhat unique and informed perspective on female psychology and ‘what works’ with women. This book is based upon the research that we did and the talk that we gave on that longago day on the East Coast. As for me personally, I’ve come a long way since then, and many of my principles and ideas have evolved along with me. I’ve also had much more opportunity to expand my own personal ‘database’ of anthropological observation with various women, and I’ve stayed in touch with several of the ‘naturals’ with whom I enjoyed such hedonistic days at college. Needless to say, I still share a very close professional relationship with Mirabelle, and she and I spend time together each day firing ideas around and coming up with new projects. This book is a combination of that research, my own personal ‘college-days’ experience, that of my friends, and Mirabelle’s uniquely feminine input … … as well as key anthropological concepts, basic human psychology, social dynamics, quantum physics, and excerpts from various Eastern philosophies (most notably, Zen Buddhism.)
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Where applicable, I have also included specific viewpoints from colleagues in the field of dating and social progression, and have included my own personal suggestions on whether I believe these viewpoints will ‘work’ for you or not. The resulting book contains what I consider to be some of our best and most potent advice on what it takes to attain, consistently and without effort, the true elite of first-rate women: women who are the ‘total package’. How do I know it works? Because not only has it worked for ME, and my troupe of ‘natural’ friends back on the West Coast (most of whom have now read the book, vetted it for accuracy, and suggested additions)… … but I’ve actually seen it work for other guys. Not to mention, Mirabelle’s given it her personal seal of approval (and the woman is a professional dating coach. C’mon, now.) After we’d instructed my East Coast friends in ‘the naturals’ methodology, we saw their behavior around women undergo a subtle, but fundamental, transformation. I’m not talking about the kind of transformation that requires hours of study, memorizing of ‘tricks’ and ‘techniques’, and rote-learning of ‘routines’ … … I’m talking about the kind of quantum shift that only comes about when an underlying perspective has been radically altered. The kind of shift that can occur instantaneously … and bequeath instantaneous changes and benefits for those who experience it. This book will teach you what it takes to experience that transformation, and become radically and consistently successful with women.
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It will do this by, yes, supplying you with ‘principles’ that you can apply to your own experiences and interactions with women … … and also by awakening you to the counterintuitive and paradoxical ways of both women, and the science of attraction itself. I’ll say it again: counterintuitive and paradoxical. Am I saying that women are counterintuitive and paradoxical? Of course not. I’m sure that, to each other, they seem very logical and reasonable indeed. But for the sake of learning quickly and efficiently, it must be said that, although women themselves aren’t necessarily counterintuitive OR paradoxical in nature, ‘what works’ with women generally is. A simple fact is that, frequently, when it comes to women, ‘what works’ is very often contrary to what we think will work. In other words, it’s counterintuitive. Other aspects of the part of your life known as 'being successful with women' are ‘obscure yet obvious’: that is, until we are enlightened to the fact of their existence and their effectiveness, we are utterly oblivious to the basic truths that they signify. But after we’re awoken to the existence of these facts, and have witnessed for ourselves the effects that they create, we slap ourselves on the head and say, ‘Of course! How is it possible that I have not yet figured this out for myself?’ Those facts may be initially obscure - but then, once the curtain's been lifted, they become utterly obvious to us, and permeate the very fabric of our awareness.
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That clarity of existence then fundamentally alters our perception of, and manner of being, 'successful with women' ever after. What I’m getting at here is that a lot of this stuff is specialized and esoteric in the extreme (meaning that you must consciously study the field in order to be fully aware of its intricacies), while other aspects are broadly applicable to your experiences with women in general. It's a mixed bag. And so, some of the information contained within these pages will be 'obvious' to you once it's been pointed out. And some of it may sound odd, or perhaps even ridiculous (that's the counterintuitive part.) I'm giving you this 'disclaimer' ahead of time so that you know and remember that keeping an open mind is essential if you're going to break through your self-imposed barriers to success with women, and actually grasp the kind of new perspective that will allow you to realize your social potential. ('You mean you can just walk up to a woman like that, start talking to her, and then kiss her?') Likely, you will also find that most ideas in this book are applicable not only to your enterprises with women, but also with life in general.
HOW THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU It’s been my personal experience that, once you get the part of your life sorted that relates to women and dating, most – if not all – other aspects of your life will then fall into line with equal ease. It’s pretty hard to be good at meeting and attracting women without also being an effective networker, a good communicator, an interesting and creative person, and an all-round well-balanced, successful guy.
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Something that you’ll learn more about in this book is the fact that like begets like: the more you accumulate of something, the more of it you attract to yourself. In this context, the subtext is that the more successful you become with women, the more successful you become in all areas of your life. Like begets like. It's the Law of Attraction. (If you want to know more about how this works, or if you doubt my word, go read The Dancing Wu Li Masters, by Gary Zukav. It will literally boggle your mind.)
Mirabelle’s Contribution To avoid any confusion about whose ‘voice’ it is you’re going to be hearing throughout this book, I’d like to clear up exactly how it is that Mirabelle contributed to this book. She and I did a lot of research together for this. We both spoke to a lot of people, analyzed many different situations, and conducted various interviews and studies together. We also spent a LOT of time 'in the field', watching and analyzing social interactions and coaching guys on what to do to get RESULTS. So technically, I suppose this book should have been written with a ‘we’ voice rather than an ‘I’ voice. However, I’ve read books in the past that use this technique, and it always reads really weirdly to me. ‘We believe that …’ ‘We always say that …’ I just don’t like it. (And neither does Mirabelle.) So I am the one who has actually written the book; the ‘I’ perspective is mine. However, All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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it’s from both of our perspectives and collective experiences that the book is coming from.
One Last Thing … Mirabelle and I would like to congratulate you on your decision to take charge of this area of your life. It is not easy to acknowledge to yourself that that part of your life known as ‘meeting and attracting women’ is somewhat lacking. I applaud both your courage and your sagacity in deciding to actively make a difference to your present self – the one who is learning to ‘be great with women’ - and your future self - the one who will be great with women. This is an exciting journey. I look forward to helping you on your way. This book will be your guide. Read it, absorb the principles and precepts contained within, and your outlook on women will undergo a massive, lasting, and positive transformation. Your success with women will undergo something very similar. I reiterate: sometimes you may find this stuff hard to grasp; at other times it may seem almost simplistic to you. Neither reaction is ‘better’, it’s simply part of taking a balanced approach to understanding and internalizing what is essentially a vast and intricately complex aspect of life on this planet. Meeting, attracting, and dating the women of your choice is ultimately both immensely complex and immensely simple. When you allow an understanding of the skills involved to permeate your world and your consciousness, it will empower you and enable personal growth of a kind that you have never conceived of before. We applaud you. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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How this book works This book is constructed around four interrelated motifs. These are the underlying principles that you must internalize and master in order to succeed in your goal of being consistently, hugely successful with women from the top echelons of quality and desirability. Your mind must be open and aware of the existence of these principles in order for you to absorb the following chapters to the greatest effect. In short, these principles are: THE WORTHIEST MEN ATTRACT THE BEST WOMEN. Do you desire superior-quality women? Would you like to enjoy massive success with the kinds of women you never thought it possible to get – the women who are not only PHYSICALLY beautiful, but whose exterior beauty is literally OUTSHONE by the depth, warmth, and beauty of their personality, charm, mystique, intellect, and femininity? The kind of women who ‘have it all’? Here’s a basic fact of life for you: the upper echelons of success, in any shape or form – success in business, an outstanding body, social success – does not come to those who have not earned their right to it. In order for you to successfully attract intensely desirable women into your life, you must become a man who is worthy of being with such women. Intensely desirable women have lots of options. They don’t need to settle for anyone who’s ‘less than’. They rightly feel that they deserve ‘the best’.
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That’s why FAKING it, and ‘role-playing’, and manipulation, and general trickery, do NOT work if you’re out to get the cream. You need to BE the best if you want to GET the best. This theme will surface again and again throughout this book. You will come to see how all aspects of how you live your life will dramatically affect the success that you enjoy with women. TRANSFORMATION. The methodology behind true, ongoing success with women is not about 'tricks' and 'techniques'. It’s not about scraping through each interaction, buoyed only by your knowledge of the strategies that other masterminds have coined before you. It’s not about plagiarizing other people’s ideas and acting like a ‘new you’ that someone else thinks you ought to be in order to ‘get women’. It’s about transforming yourself, authentically. It’s about becoming the guy who doesn’t need to act the technique - because he is the technique. Grasp the ability to apply this principle to your life, and you will become the guy who soars through every social interaction with ease, originality, elan, and wit. You will tap into your own inner source of unique and IRRESISTIBLE social dynamism. Transformation is about changing your perspective. When your perspective changes, so does the way you view the world – and so does the way you think. Your behavior, and success, follows close behind. BEGIN ON THE INSIDE.
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It’s best if you don’t rush straight out and try to improve yourself ‘in the field’ from scratch. A simple decision to improve is a huge step forwards, but it in itself does not represent the attainment of your end-goal. You must first master your beliefs and attitudes - what's happening on the inside - and then venture out to where the women are. EXPAND YOUR COMFORT ZONE SLOWLY. Some men believe that the only way to improve is to push yourself hugely and take massive risks. I am not one of those men. Taking huge risks is not crucial to your success; in fact, it’s a bad idea. Some risk-taking is necessary and useful … without it, you’d never improve. But this isn’t about scaring yourself witless with big risks; it’s about taking a little risk, getting comfortable with that, then taking another little risk. Progress doesn’t have to be painful - when it hurts to do something, it's not going to work. Period. It’s hard to stick with something when it feels awful and scary. The most lasting and beneficial progress that you will experience is also the progress that doesn’t feel bad to implement. What does this mean for you? Simple: I'm not going to be asking you to 'just do it', to force yourself to approach a supermodel in the first 3 seconds of seeing her, or try to get a woman's information after 5 minutes of conversation. It's going to be more about figuring out what works for you, and pushing yourself to All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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improve in a way that makes sense to you and feels good. It's not necessary to demoralize yourself in order to grow as a man. Period.
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A QUICK WORD ON MY OWN STYLE In this book, you will not find any 'scientific terms' for what we're discussing. No PUA-thesaurus was used in the making of this book. No B.S. will be tolerated, either. I realize that, because of this, this book differs GREATLY from a large number of the resources available to you right now. Please don't let this difference dismay you. In my 'other role' as an online dating coach, I receive numerous emails from men of all ages who want to know whether the dearth of acronyms and irritatingly esoteric shoptalk in my coaching emails and newsletters means that I'm creating my own 'style' of 'pickup'. First of all: no, this isn't necessarily a 'new style'. In fact, I think this is possibly the oldest and most effective 'style' there is, because there are no 'techniques' involved in what I teach - not unless you count 'genuine authenticity', becoming an all-round top-notch guy, and dealing with at women on a case-by-case basis as a 'technique'. And second of all, I'm not a 'pickup artist' because I'm not about picking up women in order to have sex with them. I'm about teaching guys how to become truly superior men, and, as a natural spin-off from that, teaching them how to have top-quality relationships with all sorts of people. And yeah, that includes women, for sure; but when you're 'good with women', you tend to have strong enough social skills to be 'good with everybody'. More hair-splitting: when I say 'relationships', I don't necessarily mean 'long-term relationships'. It doesn't matter how long or intense you want your relationships with women to be. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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It is possible to have numerous top-quality, short-term sexual relationships with women, just as it's possible to have one, monogamous, top-quality relationship with one special woman. And as for the lack of in-the-field dialect … I'm not a big fan of using jargonese. I mean, come on now. Does creating lengthy, consonant-saturated acronyms and three-hyphen'd title tags for simple social actions REALLY help you increase your success with women? I realize that playing the 'naming game' can help the beginner to diminish his natural sense of panic when surveying, for the first time, the chaotic maelstrom that is social interaction with attractive women. It's kind of like the first pioneers traveling across the American continent. I imagine that Lieutenant Abert, for example, on his trip across what is now the Texas panhandle, felt comforted by his ability to lessen the vast unfamiliarity of the frontier by thinking up and allocating names for hitherto-unseen strangenesses. But at the same time, creating an elitist 'Dungeons and Dragons'-type environment, characterized by technical jargon and an 'inner sanctum' mentality, does no good for anyone who's interested in genuinely improving their skills, not just getting a kick out of labeling things (and on a more practical note, it can cause some raised eyebrows when people overhear you discussing your 'DHVs on SHBs during the opener of the emotionalprogression model transitioning from qualification to comfort-building while pacing her reality using the GM-style’ … etc.) I don't see any benefit in deliberately creating an 'us v.s. them' mentality, acting supercilious, treating women as ‘targets’, or getting all self-righteous and packing in the acronym-ese just because we're figuring out how to polish our values, attitudes, beliefs, and social skills. Yes, 'being successful with women' is an absolutely ESSENTIAL part of life … All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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…and if you doubt the inherent correctness of this statement, I challenge you to find me a chronically-single male who honestly believes he's enjoying life to the fullest of his potential … … but really, that's all the MORE reason not invent a new dictionary while we're at it. Let's keep it simple, gentleman. (A quick note while we're on the subject, though: I do, in fact, doff my figurative cap to Mystery while I'm at it. He is the one 'PUA' whose love of jargonese I can accept, because he's the one who invented it all. 'Nuff said.)
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SECTION ONE ATTRACTION FROM THE INSIDE OUT In this, the first section, we're going to be figuring out something that the more commercial-style 'PUAs' call 'inner game'. Another way of looking at it might be to say that we're going to figure out why what you think matters … and then, make sure that your beliefs are formulated in a manner that is immediately congruent with your lasting and consistent success with women. Why devote a whole section to this? Simple. Because if you're out there trying to have fun, meet excellent women, and attract them, then a huge part of that – I would dare to say, the BIGGEST part of that - is actually being an excellent guy yourself. The sort of guy whom great women are naturally, and powerfully, drawn to. And it's kinda hard to be that superior guy if, all the time, you're trying to project an ‘image’ of authentic quality … while on the inside, you're hobbled by a set of beliefs and attitudes that are psychologically crippling you. Most guys who are relatively unacquainted with success with women have these sorts of unhealthy ‘limiting beliefs.’ I'll give you a few of the most common ones, so you know what I'm talking about:
● I'm too short/fat/balding to attract great women.
● Women are offended by guys who want sex.
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● All women want relationships. It is impossible for a woman to be happy with a sexual relationship unless it is also a ‘committed’, ‘long-term’ relationship. ● If I'm open about the fact that I don't want an exclusive relationship, she won’t be interested. ● Good-looking men are always going to be more successful with women than I am. ● I'm not rich enough to sustain the lifestyle that truly desirable women want. ● All good-looking women are bitchy, airheaded, and love to shoot men down in flames. ● The kind of woman that I want would never be attracted to somebody like me. ● There is something ‘wrong’ with desirable women: they are ‘impossible’ to get.
You get the idea. Here's something else interesting: a lot of guys are extremely harsh in their own self-talk, and yet they don't even realize that they are. Others honestly believe that it doesn't really make all that much difference how you talk to yourself; that what you say to yourself doesn't really matter all that much. NO! This is WRONG! The kinds of things you say to yourself, and the kinds of things you believe about yourself, have a MASSIVE impact on the kinds of results that you will or will not get with the women of your choice. It's that simple.
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And here's why: it's because of something known as The Law of Attraction. What you believe truly sets the limits of your behavior - and, of course, the results that you get. You attract what you believe – a.k.a. ‘what you appreciate, appreciates.’ This is a simple law of physics. So, if you’re spending all your mental energy berating yourself for being ‘unsuccessful’ with women, or ‘undesirable’, the Universe will agree with you. It will have no choice but to support you in your beliefs. I was reading a book called The Secrets of Attraction last week, by a woman called Sandra Ann Taylor, and she spoke at length on this subject. Her way of putting it was, ‘The Universe always speaks your language.’ (p58) If your own personal ‘language’ is centered around how you’ll never be successful and how you’re too XXX to get the women you want, the Universe will hear and understand you … and it will support those beliefs. Your beliefs are a major part of your 'strategy' for success. It's a simple fact of life: you attract what you believe. Your beliefs create your own reality. Imagine this. Let's say you want to get into a fight with someone, and you want to really kick his ass. If you approached him with these thoughts going through your head: 'Oh man - I sure hope this guy doesn't whip my ass. He's a lot bigger and heavier than me ... and he looks a lot more experienced, too. Man, this could get ugly. And everyone's watching, too ... I sure hope don't screw this up...' ... those thoughts would SCREAM themselves out from your posture, your body language, your expression, even the way you TALKED to him.
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In this particular situation, you'd probably be approaching the guy in question with your shoulders slumped, your chin down defensively, with your eyes darting around all over the place - generally telegraphing that you had no belief in yourself and that you were afraid of what 'might' happen. Guess what? You end up giving your opponent the psychological advantage, and you'd probably either a) get laughed at, or b) get laughed at and then man-slapped. Either way, you lose. And to a large extent, it was your MINDSET that contributed to that loss. Now imagine the same situation, but imagine that you're totally caught up in the moment. Your emotions are rushing through you, you're pumped, and all that's in your head is the need to kick this guy to the kerb. You're too busy visualizing how sweet it'll feel to win the fight with this guy, too busy imagining the feeling of your fists crunching bone, for you to even think about failure. You're totally pumped up. What do you think would happen now? I'll give you an idea: it'd probably pan out a little something like this ... You rush at the guy with your fists clenched and your jaw jutting, veins bulging. You grab his table and wrench it over, spraying glass and liquor every which way. You shove your face right into his, open your mouth wide wide wide as if you're going to rip a mouthful out of his jugular right then and there, and scream, 'Outside, RIGHT NOW!!'
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... probably with a few more expletives thrown in than that, but you get the picture. See the difference? And NOTHING CHANGED in that example except for the WAY in which YOU APPROACHED the situation. Any outcome is possible. All you need is a simple equation: belief, plus desire. (Note: I didn’t invent this equation. I first came across it in Napoleon Hill’s Think And Grow Rich. It has, however, had a massive and lasting effect upon my own life – as it will on yours.) EXTRA CREDIT: To really ‘get’ this fact of life, go down to your local bookstore and buy a copy of ‘Think And Grow Rich’. Read it. Do it. Your beliefs matter. And yet the wisdom of choosing smart beliefs is one that evades most men. Most guys try to be 'realistic' about a situation. They talk about 'not getting their hopes up'. As in, 'Well, I'd better not get my hopes up too much. Realistically, she's probably already been approached by X number of other dudes tonight, so really, I'm probably nothing new. I’d better not get my hopes up.' It's like they're trying to prepare themselves for the worst by visualizing the worst. This is a damned terrible strategy. A guy who approaches a situation hesitantly, trying to 'prepare himself for the worst' is NOT equipping himself properly for success. It's just not smart. Still doubt the veracity of ‘thinking good thoughts’? Check this out: not only did ‘happy All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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thinking’ keep Peter Pan afloat for his irritating journeys through Neverland, but they also actually win Olympic Gold. Yep, that’s right. Actual, material success – all thanks to the power of thinking big. Here's an interesting fact for you: the coaches of Olympic athletes don't just focus on their protégé's physical progress. They know that real success comes from not only physical strength, but psychological strength, too. So they train their athletes to be as strong mentally as they are physically. Do they 'toughen them up' by getting them to be 'realistic' and visualize how it would feel to fail, so that they're 'not too disappointed' if and when it happens? Hell, no. They get them to visualize how it would feel to actually cross that finish line. And not only that, but they get them to dwell on it. They get them to talk about it, imagine it in full, vivid, 3-dimensional color, sound, and smell. And you want to know the really spooky part? The athletes who go ahead and think about winning - really visualize it - are statistically more likely to win than those who do not. Hmmmmmmmmmm! What's going on here? How can it be that simply imagining something can make it come true? Does that mean that, if you sit down right now and start thinking about how it would feel to be with your dream woman, that she's going to knock on your door in the next 24 hours? All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Well, no. Does imagining an Olympic gold medal mean that one’s going to just drop beneficently out of the stratosphere onto your lap? Of course not. Those athletes still have to do all the physical ‘hard yards’ that all Olympic athletes have to do. They can’t skimp on the training just because they’re ‘thinking pretty thoughts.’ You still have to ‘do the hard yards’. But it’s when you combine the two that you get real results. If you take the rest of the advice in this book, and then add to it the power of vivid visualization, you’re going to convey a massive and factual advantage upon yourself. Fact: you attain a higher level of success and enlightenment by taking the focus off of your current limitations, and placing it instead upon what you wish to attain. In plain English: think about what you want. Imagine it in vivid detail. Don’t hold back. Dwelling on the 'bad' isn't going to help you here. If you’re a religious man, take comfort in the fact that the Book of Proverbs knows the power of thoughts just as much as the Olympic coaches and I … ‘As a man thinketh, so is he.’ (Proverbs, 23:7.) … as does the Buddha: ‘With your thoughts, you make the world.’ FACT: Your thoughts literally create your reality. Furthermore: it’s literally impossible to attain a goal if you don’t know what that goal is. Deciding on what you want to achieve causes subliminal, unconscious changes in your All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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brain physiology, which then affect your actions and your behavior on an unconscious level. It literally begins to cause you to make progress towards your goal without even realizing it. You need to think about what you want, and spend TIME thinking about it. I want you to get your hopes up as high as you possibly can. I want you to think about where you want to be and who you want to be there with. So here's what I suggest: take a moment, right now, and conjure up the most brilliant vision of your future that's possible. Think about where you want to go. What you want to accomplish. What kinds of relationships you want to have. Where do you want to be in one year? In five? In twenty? Make this vision as huge, as wonderful, as vibrant and brilliant as you possibly can, and then take steps to move yourself towards creating that vision for real. Some food for thought: Claim yourself to be the thing desired... All that is asked of you is to accept your desire. If you dare claim it, you will express it. (Neville, Your Faith Is Your Fortune, p.33) I like this quote. It really resonates with one of the Universal Truths: the fact that without the vision, there is no chance of you ever attaining it. Or, put positively: the more vividly you create your vision, the more eloquent and neartangible it is, the more likely you are to embody that vision for yourself. Look: If you were to sit there right now and picture yourself hooking up with Gisele Bundchen in All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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the next 2 years, there is no guarantee that this vision will come true. But if you don’t even bother to come up with that vision in the first place, then how will you ever figure out what steps to take to embody it? You need to imagine it first for there to be any hope of its ever coming true. Now here's something else for you to think about: the fact that you are the only person who has access to your thoughts. I know that some guys shrink from thinking about what they really want. They're embarrassed to even think about it. They think, 'Who am I kidding? This is never going to happen. I should just get real.' And so they never think of what they want to do, they just mull along letting life deal out the cards randomly … … and they never really end up with what they want. They always feel vaguely dissatisfied. They don't know what they really want - but they still know that what they have ain't it. Well, guess what? If you think you're going to look stupid by conjuring grandiose visions for the future, at least the only person you'll look stupid to is yourself. You are the only person who has access to your thoughts. Why not make those thoughts as fantastic as possible? Why not choose visions that are as inspiring and brilliant as possible? It takes the same amount of 'mind power' to think of great thoughts as it does to think of average ones. I suggest you make the smart choice. So, what happens once you've got some kick-ass visions of the future for yourself?
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And what are you supposed to do if you don't really believe it's possible to attain those visions? Good point. A vision, without the belief that you can make it manifest, is nothing but a daydream. Let’s talk about how to alter your beliefs.
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Setting Your Beliefs: the Two-Part Process OK. So we've established that negative self-talk is a great way to court failure and mediocrity. And we've established that replacing that negative self-talk with a firm set of solid, positive belief and attitudes is the first step in attaining the kind of lifestyle that you wish to lead. The question that naturally comes next is twofold:
1. How do I rid myself of negative self-talk?
… and:
2. How do I make myself believe what I want to believe?
Let's take this one step at a time.
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Part One: Ridding Yourself Of Negative Self-Talk First things first. Dealing with this issue is your first step towards shedding the illusions of averageness and mediocrity that are dragging you down right now. That’s right … ILLUSIONS. You've probably picked up at some point that everyone is plagued by the 'inner critic', right? We all have negative self-talk and irritating, confidence-deflating thoughts that go through our heads. There's some good news and some bad news. I like to get the worst over with first, so here's the bad news: there is no way to get rid of that self-talk. You are always going to have a voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough, that other guys are better-looking than you, that women aren't attracted to 'your type', that you need to lose some weight, whatever your own personal 'Achilles' heel' might be. Those thoughts are here to stay. They’re normal and you may as well not waste your time trying to fight them off. Anxiety and worry is just a part of the human condition. EVERYONE has those thoughts and YOU CANNOT get rid of them. Now, here's the good news: first of all, having those thoughts DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE TRUE. They’re simply a part of how your brain works. You don’t have to ‘listen’ to them. And secondly: even though you can’t get RID of them, you can still free yourself from the burden of those thoughts and beliefs. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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There's no messing around with therapists, reaching out to your 'inner child', or struggling to combat the 'Peter Pan Syndrome' (or any of the other so-called 'aspects of modern manhood' that swamp the development shelves in your local bookstore.) I have neither the time nor the inclination for that sort of mumbo-jumbo, and, I suspect, neither do you. Instead, I prefer to USE WHAT WORKS. And here it is. There are two primary ways of ‘writing over’ that internal monologue.
Firstly: Doing Your Affirmations These are an incredibly powerful way of ‘reprogramming’ the internal workings of your mind. Internationally-acclaimed speaker, author, and innovative thinker John Kehoe suggests that we think of our own internal monologue as being like a tape-player. (Remember those?) For most of us, our own internal tape-players are repeating loops of frustration, ineptness, upset, and overwhelm back to us. Your affirmations are the thing that will OVERWRITE that tape … and re-record it with beliefs that are directly helpful to your ‘cause’ of being the great guy who naturally attracts great women. This is something that I do every single day. It has helped me personally get over some CRIPPLING beliefs, and it has helped me become the kind of strong MAN who meets and attracts women EVERY DAY. If I hadn’t overcome those beliefs of mine that were HOBBLING my progress, I doubt that I’d be the guy I am today … or that I’d be enjoying the kind of SUCCESS that I enjoy today.
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(I like to do mine out loud. The physical reverberation, and the sensation of actually hearing yourself say these things, and the feeling of speaking them out loud, is much more powerful than simply thinking them. I suggest you do the same.) Here’s what affirmations are: The essence of 'doing your affirmations' is to tell yourself repeatedly that you are already experiencing that which you’d like to experience. Phrase your affirmations positively, personally, and in the present tense … and always speak them out loud whenever possible. This is the ‘language’ of the subconscious mind. So for example, if you were to say, 'I'll never be unsuccessful with women again', this would have NO value as an affirmation, because the subconscious mind can't differentiate between positive and negative. It doesn't respond to statements framed in the negative tense ('I'll never be'), and it doesn't respond to the past or the future tense ('I will'). You need to tell your subconscious mind what you DO want, not what you DON'T; and you must frame it as though what you want is happening right now. So, you could say: 'Women love me and I love taking risks.' Or, 'I am hugely successful with women everywhere.' Got it? Of course you do. But just to make sure, here’s a little exercise for you. Don’t forget: you can read and read and read until you turn blue in the face (and in two other, much more relevant, aspects of your body.)
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But you won’t experience the magic that unveils itself in your personal life and with women until you begin to actually implement the suggestions that I’m making. So here goes: your first Actionable Attraction Challenge.
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #1 You are going to come up with 2 affirmations that resonate with you personally. By ‘resonate’, I mean that they make sense to you, and that they create an emotional feeling that this applies to me within you. One affirmation is going to be general, designed to ‘wipe’ the overall negative programming that is affecting you generally; and one is going to be specific, designed to overcome a specific aspect of yourself that troubles you. Here is one of my own ‘generalized’ affirmations: ‘Every day in every way I am getting better and better and better.’ And here is one of my own ‘specific’ affirmations: ‘I love how women love to flirt with me, and I love taking risks.’ Of course, these don’t have to be your affirmations. They are simply what work for me, and address ‘issues’ that I used to sense in my own character (such as the fear of taking a risk.) NOTE: I no longer feel those ‘weak spots’. I don’t have them any more. How cool is that? And it’s largely because I PUT THE WORK IN by spending just 5 minutes every morning, saying my affirmations out loud. It’s NOT that hard to do. As far as setting your own affirmations goes, think of an overall attitude that you’d like to have and an overall reality you’d like to experience regularly. This will form the basis for your ‘general’ affirmation. Now think of a specific problem of yours that you’d like to overcome. This will form the basis for your ‘specific’ affirmation.
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NOTE: Don’t expect affirmations to work instantaneously. Kehoe describes the effect like so: think of your mind as a bucket of water. Think of your affirmations as being like drops of red dye. Every day, one or two drops drizzle into the bucket. Over time, a faint tinge of red grows. Each day, the red tinge grows more and more profound until after a couple of months, the bucket is densely packed with red pigment. Not a hint of the original translucency remains. This is what happens to your mind, and your beliefs, as you do your affirmations over time. It takes 90 days of consistent affirmation-practice for that red dye (your affirmations) to really take a hold on your mind. So for the next 90 days, you are going to spend 5 minutes repeating your own two affirmations - out loud - as soon as you wake up in the morning.
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Secondly: Get Into The Moment Secondly: I am very pleased to introduce you a very basic, but incredibly far-reaching concept: the concept of being in the present moment. Bear with me, gentlemen. There's more to it than meets the eye. This is a technique that's propagated by one of the most influential thinkers of our time: Eckhart Tolle (author of The Power of Now). It's also something that internationally-acclaimed speakers and authors Ariel and Shya Kane (authors of Working On Yourself Doesn’t Work) draw heavily on in their teachings. The first step to grasping this concept is this: you must understand that you are not your mind. Most people don’t ‘get’ this. But in fact, the ‘mind’ is nothing but an egoic voice in your head that creates ‘noise’ in the form of ceaseless babbling. This is the voice that drags you down and points out your shortcomings. This voice is actually a SEPARATE ENTITY from you. Think of it this way: you can hear the voice in your head, right? And you have the ability to think about it, analyze it, and ‘listen’ to it. Therefore, that voice is a separate entity from yourself. There can’t be a Talker who is also a Listener; it just doesn’t work. So ‘You’ – the real you – is actually SEPARATE from that little voice. You are not your mind. (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, p11.) But because most people don’t realize that their mind is actually SEPARATE from themselves, they allow it to dictate the terms of their reality. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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They take what their mind says as ‘the gospel’, rather than viewing it as simply the egobased, fear-based little voice that it is. As humans, our minds are all 'past/present machines'. They are constantly producing thoughts. And you free yourself from the power that those thoughts have to shape your attitudes, behavior, and, inevitably, the results that you get, by recognizing that you are not your mind. The thoughts that your mind produces are just that: articulations from an entity that is not you, that is separate from you, and has nothing to do with who you really are. You are not your mind. So when those thoughts come whizzing into your head, polluting your consciousness and your enjoyment of the now with concepts such as 'I'm not funny enough,' 'I'll never be popular', 'women don't like me', 'I hate my job', etc … … all you have to do is neutrally acknowledge that those thoughts are there without ‘resisting’ them (i.e. struggling against them, protesting them, saying, ‘That’s not true’) … … and then simply send them on their way. (Ariel and Shya Kane, Working On Yourself Doesn’t Work, p27.) The concept of 'sending your thoughts away' is one that's rooted in Zen Buddhism. You may have heard of it before: the concept of 'sending it down the river in a cardboard box.' It's a 'mind trick' that's designed to assist you in the actual process of mentally dismissing cognitive flotsam and jetsam: it gives you something 'concrete' to anchor the process to. The act of giving your mind an 'action' to anchor the process of disposal of unwanted thoughts to is very powerful. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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I think you'll find that it's much more effective than simply saying to yourself, 'I dismiss that thought.' Try it - remember, nobody's watching. Do not discount the power of an open mind.
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #2: Send It Down The River In A Cardboard Box Here’s how this one works … Along comes a thought. Maybe it’s ‘She’ll never talk to me’ or ‘I won’t know what to say’ or ‘I’m not XXXX enough.’ Acknowledge the thought. (I personally do this by simply thinking, 'Huh, I'm having that thought again.') Then, imagine that you are physically holding the thought in your hands. Still holding it, you place it firmly in a small cardboard box. Tie the box up (or duct-tape it, as you prefer), and walk with it to the bank of a river. (The river represents your consciousness.) Bend down and place the box on the river. Watch it as it bobs there, floating, for a moment. Now watch as the current begins to nibble at the edges of the box. Bobbing faster, it drifts out into the center of the river. The current grasps it now, and swirls it away down the river. You glimpse it one last time, bobbing in the rapids, before it whirls off around a bend in the river and is gone. The river has taken the box - and the thought that it contains - away. You are alone again with the river of your consciousness. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Part Two: Instilling the Beliefs That You Want And now for number two: how to make yourself believe what you want to believe. First of all: you need to figure out which beliefs are most productive and helpful for you. A few suggestions: 1. Everything is all right just as it is. When you're not struggling against how things really are, you're not inflicting the pain of ‘reality denial’ upon yourself. For example, right now, you want to better your skills with meeting and attracting women. In order for you to become better at this area of your life, you must first accept that your reality, right now, is what it is. Be OK with that. This is where you’re at right now. You're not berating yourself for not being better. You're not struggling against what is. You are simply recognizing that where you are right now isn't necessarily where you want to be, and that's OK. This isn't about trying to be happy when you're not, or telling yourself that you are content with what you have if you aren’t; it's simply accepting that this is where you're at right now … and that that's all right. The ability to recognize and accept reality is your jumping-off point for greater achievement, greater success, greater happiness, and true fulfillment as a man. 2. I am worthy, and deserving of what I want. Many men approach the women that they desire with a groveling, supplicating attitude. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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They feel unworthy, and show this belief in their mannerisms, their speech, their body language, and their social interactions. When you don't feel that you truly deserve what you want, you will retain a hesitant and overawed attitude. You will hog-tie yourself with self-imposed limits. When you believe that it is your right as a man to get what it is that you truly want, your entire attitude is suffused with confidence, strength, ease, masculinity, and dominance. 3. I am a deeply masculine man and women love me. Women love masculine men. When you feel like a man, and know deeply within yourself that it’s OK to be a man, you lose much of the anxiety and nervousness that tends to put women OFF. 4. Women love me and I have a lot to offer. You have a lot to offer any woman. You have the ability to make her life SO MUCH better than it is right now. She may not know this yet, of course, but that’s OK. The point is that YOU aren’t the one wondering whether you’re good enough for her. Instead, you’re the one evaluating her to see if she’s good enough for you. ** Of course, these are simply 'beginner beliefs' designed to help you along your way. If you have anything else you'd like to include, by all means do so. For these beliefs to truly affect your life and to assist you in achieving your goals, you must introduce them to your everyday life. Simply 'deciding to believe something' isn't enough; you need techniques to assist you in All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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internalizing these beliefs to the point where they are a fundamental aspect of who you are. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is an excellent methodology for changing the structure of your beliefs. NLP is an alternative to psychotherapy, and is a recognized method of fundamentally altering thought-patterns, instinctive reactions, and both conscious and unconscious thinking. Essentially, it's a form of waking self-hypnosis, in which you use certain key statements and terms in order to retrain your brain … your attitudes … your behaviors … and, in turn, your results. The first step is to access your subconscious mind and alter your fundamental belief structure in your favor. Here are 2 simple techniques for doing just that. 1. AFFIRM. The essence of 'doing your affirmations' is to tell yourself repeatedly that you are already experiencing that which you’d like to experience. Remember to phrase your affirmations positively, personally, and in the present tense … and always speak them out loud whenever possible. 2. VISUALIZE. The basis for this concept is that the subconscious mind does not differentiate between what is real and what is clearly and vividly imagined. Someone reading this is secretly wondering whether this is all just a load of hot air.
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In case that someone is you, get this: Ever heard of ‘The Basketball Study’? Recently, a study was performed upon the usefulness and practicality of visualization as a means of positively altering your life in REAL and MEASURABLE WAYS. It was decided that the study would be based upon something easily definable and empirical in nature (in other words, it’s easy to see whether a difference has been made or not, and measure how much of a difference was made.) The game of basketball was decided upon (mostly because it’s easy to tell from the number of points scored whether there has been an improvement or not.) 3 groups of basketball players participated in this study. One was the control group; one was the ‘shooting hoops’ group; and one was the ‘visualization’ group. The control group did no practice at all over the following six weeks. The ‘shooting hoops’ group practiced thrice weekly, as per usual. And the ‘visualization’ group did no actual practice, but instead visualized themselves shooting hoops and winning games for the duration of a normal practice session, three times per week. After the six weeks were up, tests were performed. The control group was no better (and in fact, scored 10% worse than normal after 6 weeks with no practice.) The ‘shooting hoops’ group did 25% better than their original score. And the ‘visualization group’ did 24% better than their original score.
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The group who’d just sat around, doing no basketball practice at all except within their own minds, improved 24% over six weeks – just one percent less than the group who physically practiced three times per week! If that’s not enough to prove to you that your mind really is worth something – and that you don’t literally have to physically do something in order to reap massive benefits – then nothing will.
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #3 Know this: if you can imagine something in vivid detail, you can convince your subconscious mind that you can achieve it. What you can conceive of, you can achieve. Once your subconscious mind recognizes this belief, your conscious mind recognizes it; and that's when you begin to reap the benefits in your everyday life. Here’s what you’re going to do: hold a precise and detailed image in your head of what you want and where you want to go. Use all of your senses. Imagine it vividly. Do this every morning, for 5 minutes (before or after your affirmations) for the next 90 days.
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A QUICK WORD ON GAME-PLAYING AND MANIPULATION Of course, you could ask yourself, ‘Why even bother changing my beliefs? Why does it matter what I think, as long as I act a certain way?’ That’s a fair question. And everyone has different views when it comes to the answer. For example, there are a fair number of guys out there in the ‘dating and attraction’ industry who are making an absolute killing teaching their acolytes how to ‘fake it til you make it’ … … in other words, they favor the precept that it doesn’t really matter how you’re feeling deep down. All you need to do is act a certain way, and you will get the exact same results that you would if you were operating out of a place of genuine authenticity. After awhile (so the theory goes), you get so used to ‘role-playing’ this new set of behaviors that you actually begin to take them on for real. I’m not a fan of this point of view. And here’s why. When you focus on acting a certain way, and on cultivating this new set of behaviors and actions that are quite alien to your natural personality, your life and your attitude towards socializing and women become very ‘compartmentalized’. Being great with women is no longer a skill, it’s more like a mask that you put on when you head out at night to ‘pick up some women’. This divisiveness doesn’t go very far towards actually creating the solid, high-caliber personality and lifestyle that you actually need, if you’re going to get high-caliber women All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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and keep them around for the long haul. Of course, if your focus is simply just to get some women, or any women, then ‘faking it til you make it’ or assuming the ‘guise’ of a great guy will probably be enough to get you some phone numbers and some low-to-medium quality women. But if what you really want is the cream of the crop, if you really want those ‘totalpackage’ women who are not only smart and physically stunning, but also beautiful on the inside, then you’re going to need to polish yourself up in a more ‘genuine’ sense. So, if you’re OK with settling for whatever you can get, then you may as well just put this book down right now. Seriously. I’m not here to encourage you to just get ‘any’ women, because all that’s going to do is court a LIFESTYLE OF MEDIOCRITY. I’d rather not waste my time teaching you how to do that. Besides, allow me to flex my prophesy-muscles for a quick moment: if you go out and start ‘getting what you can get’, as opposed to setting your sights high and actually choosing the right women for you, then I can tell you EXACTLY where you’re going to end up. You’re going to end up in one of those mediocre relationships of ‘convenience’, where you feel like you’ve just somehow stumbled into this thing without even really meaning to – like it ‘just happened’. And then you’ll start feeling resentful and cramped-up inside … and you’ll suffer from a permanent sense of ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome. Settling for women ‘just because they’ll have you’ is NOT the path to greatness. And, as it so happens, in order to attract truly fantastic women, you need to BE pretty fantastic yourself. No trickery required – just authenticity. And by the way. You know how much you hate it when women pretend to be something they’re not in order to impress you? All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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It’s called game-playing, and I bet you know what I’m talking about here. My personal pet hate is when they pretend to be busy/more popular than they actually are just to make you want them more. I’ve also encountered women who act really aloof or distant, or seem really unenthusiastic, or never ever return your phonecalls - even when they really genuinely like you - just so you’ll think they’re worth ‘chasing’. Anyway, you get the point. We all hate it when women act phony, just to create a certain impression and just to manipulate a certain outcome into place. I bet you know where I’m going with this … When YOU act like someone you’re not, just to impress some woman, sooner or later she’s going to figure out what the real deal is – and then you really will look pathetic. Oh, and just before we wrap this up, here’s one more reason why I do not advocate gameplaying or manipulation of any kind just to get the girl … When you feel like you’ve got to assume a fake persona in order to be well-liked by the opposite sex, then you’re sending a very powerful message to yourself that the real you isn’t good enough. That has long-standing effects for things like your confidence and your self-image, both of which are absolutely crucial to developing the real, no B.S. kind of style that will see you going places with women. Game-playing isn’t the way to go, if you want to get real results that stand the test of time.
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FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER It’s well worth your while to figure out exactly what you would bring to a relationship with a woman. (Again, please remember that ‘relationship’, in the context of this book, simply means any kind of personal interaction with a woman, no matter what the length.) Most guys approach any kind of prospective relationship with a woman with a needy and grasping mindset. Their instinctive belief about themselves is that, basically, they have nothing to offer her that she would particularly appreciate. Usually, this belief is coupled with a matching belief that bases its ‘truth’ on the perception that ‘she’s already been approached by so many other guys, how could she possibly be interested in me?’ So they’re not approaching her from a position of strength. They’re just trying to get what they can while it’s available, and they’ll be grateful for every last crumb of attention they can get. As a result, their attitude comes across as supplicative and spineless, and directly repels the woman they’re attempting to get to know. If you can figure out what you have to offer a woman, that’s one step towards creating an impregnable suit of confidence that will protect you, like armor, and will enable you over time to enjoy relaxed, witty, entertaining conversations with genuinely desirable women. And if you don’t figure out what you’ve got to offer, well … your future will most likely consist of stumbling, nervous interactions with women where you’re consistently gripped by anxiety and a need to apologize for taking up their precious time with your inadequate social attentions.
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Sound like an exaggeration? Take a second and just think about it. You, personally, have got some skills that, with a bit of polishing – and/or the confidence to unveil them in the right company – some, or even most, women will really appreciate. Maybe you’re funny, or smart, or good-looking, or you cook a mean barbecue. I don’t know, obviously, what your personal strengths are - you’ll have to figure out what you’re good at on your own (but if you can’t think of a single thing that a woman would potentially enjoy about your company, then you’ve got more problems than I feel qualified to assist you with.) But think about it. Seriously. I suggest that you come up with at least 3 strengths that you feel solidly comfortable about, and then add them to your affirmations (e.g. “I am _____ and women love that about me.”) (If you need help remembering what the deal is with affirmations, go back to Actionable Attraction Challenge #1 and redo it.) Over time, this will go a LONG way towards not only building you up big-time to yourself, but will also stop you from approaching women out of a needy, groveling mindset. When you know you’re bringing something UNIQUE and COOL to the table, you don’t have to do battle any more with that feeling that nothing you say or do matters because she’s not going to be interested anyway. When you know WHY you’d be a kick-ass asset to somebody else’s life, you’re that much more likely to convince them of that fact, too. And, you get to feel powerful at the same time. (But don’t go getting cocky, now.) All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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So: figure out what your strengths are. What qualities do you have that other people tend to like about you? And which ones of those would be relevant to a WOMAN’S perspective? Figure out what your strengths are, and then make those strengths a prominent aspect of your daily conversations with yourself. If you have shaky self-esteem, or tend to be ‘down on yourself’, I STRONGLY suggest that you add these ‘strengths’ to your daily affirmations. Do it.
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KNOW WHAT YOU WANT OK, so now that you’ve figured out why exactly it is that you’re a desirable guy, you need to take that focus and direct it inward. You need to figure out what you want – what your objectives are here. Easy, you say – you want to meet and date more women. Well, yeah. But that’s obvious. I want you to figure out not only what you want in generalized terms like that, but also to figure out what ‘meeting and dating more women’ actually means to you. The meeting and dating part isn’t the end-goal. It’s a means to an end. What’s the ‘end goal’ that you want from all that dating? To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, here are some examples from previous students: - Someone to hang out with - Someone to have sex with - Someone to party with - Someone to spend weekends with - Someone to love - Someone to marry This is important. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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You need to know what you want, and you need to know why you want it. This will help to keep you on track, and will make it that much easier for you to reach out and get that prize. Professional business coaches and executive success coaches know the value of this, and make ‘goal setting’ a regular part of their repertoire. Thomas J. Watson, the original mastermind behind uber-company IBM, said that the reason IBM became what it is today is because he had a very clear picture in his mind of exactly what sort of company he wanted to build. He knew what sort of customers he wanted, he knew what business ethics the company would have, he knew ‘what it would look like’ when it was done. It was this vision that enabled him to make it a reality. In his own words, ‘I knew that, in order to be that kind of company, we would have to start acting like that kind of company right from the start. And that’s how IBM got to where it is today.’ (Napoleon Hill, Think And Grow Rich.) The principles are exactly the same for everyone, no matter what field of endeavor you’re engaged in: if you have clear desires, and are able to articulate them to yourself, as well as knowing why you want those things, it’s going to be that much easier for you to realize those ambitions. (And, it’ll stop you from piking out halfway through.) So: figure out your objectives. Take a moment and daydream about it. What do you really want here? And now, think about why you want that. By the way – if you should encounter any self-doubt here, or hear yourself going, ‘Nah, I’ll never be able to get that,’ just remember – set your sights HIGH.
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There are no rules here. Nobody’s sitting in on your thought processes. You should be reaching high. Let that negative voice say what it wants to say, don’t struggle against it … and then just put it in the cardboard box and float it down the river … and carry on thinking about what you really want. What would you need to attain in order for you to look back, one year from now, and feel like the past year has been a success as far as ‘meeting and attracting women’ is concerned?
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THE NON-ROLE OF THE EGO IN ATTAINING WHAT YOU WANT Remember how, at the start of this book, I mentioned that some of the principles contained within were based on things like Eastern philosophy and Zen Buddhism? Well this is where some of that stuff applies. If your motivation for meeting and dating more women is ego-related, meaning it’s about YOU and making YOU feel good about yourself, then we need to take a look at that motivation, because it’s not instrumental in achieving your goals … … and actually is getting in the way of your progress towards true personal greatness (and thus, the ability to attract great women.) An example of what I mean: say you’d listed something like, ‘I want a hot girlfriend because then my friends will think I’m the man.’ Or, ‘I want a new woman so my ex-girlfriend will see what she’s missing and want me back.’ Now, aside from the fact that there is almost nothing more ignoble than involving an innocent third party in the fallout from a damaged relationship, those ideas are both egobased. Meaning, they’re all about the ‘self’, and are focused on making you feel better about yourself in a very limited way, that’s focused on external validation, and that comes at the cost of negative emotions and experiences for others. It’s hard to be a great guy and apply the principles of greatness to your life when you’re focusing on stepping all over other people to get what you want. We’re trying to add to your quality and enlightenment here, not detract from it – so if All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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you’re coming up with egotistical reasons for why you’re involved with this little venture, go back and come up with some better ones that are about experiencing life, and women, to the best of your ability and to the full breadth of experience … … not just about you getting a narcissistic boost out of it. If you want to know some serious, scary detail about the role of the ego in your presentday life, go read Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Laws of Spiritual Success. That’s some freaky stuff.
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THE SCARCITY MINDSET When it comes to women and dating, many men are gripped with a deep, visceral sense of panic. They are afraid that there won’t be enough for them. That there aren’t enough great women out there. That all hot women are unattainable. That all that women want is some guy to pay their way for them. That there’s no such thing as a great woman who’ll want them. These are all examples of scarcity-based thoughts. A scarcity-mindset is one of the major underpinnings of ongoing failure with women. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy: you believe that you probably won’t find a great woman for yourself. So, you get anxious and panicky, you get desperate, your desperation drives the women away from you, and you end up fulfilling your own prophecy. How about this for a better belief structure? There is enough of everything for everyone. This is the basic belief of the abundance mentality, which comes from Taoist modes of thinking and is rooted in the fact that there is plenty of everything in the world. Try thinking along these lines for just a moment. Just relax. There are plenty of women out there. More than enough for everyone. Even if you take your sweet time, there are going to be plenty of women out there for you. So just relax. Don’t stress. Everything will fall into place for you when you’re good and ready. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Ever heard the saying, ‘When the student is ready, the teacher appears’? It’s the same thing for you, as far as women are concerned. When you’re ready for them, they will appear for you. So chill out. Believe in the abundance of the universe, and notice how much more relaxed and empowered you are by this belief. A scarcity mindset is repugnant to the process of attraction. Not per se, of course – a woman most likely won’t recognize the pattern of your thoughts, note that they’re based in scarcity, and retreat in horror – but it’s an inescapable truth that to believe that ‘there is not enough for you’ creates desperation. And that is what women can sense. Desperation, neediness, social anxiety – they all convey low social status and low value, both of which repel women. Ever noticed that women are attracted to men of a higher social status and value than themselves? It’s true. In fact … Women are very rarely attracted to a man of lesser, or subordinate, status to themselves. That’s why you hear about so many female secretaries hooking up with their bosses – but almost no female CEOs having serious relationships with the guy who changes the fluorescent bulbs in the office lights. So when you convey a sense of desperation to others – a desperation that’s rooted in a belief that there won’t be enough for you – not only is that patently untrue, but it will actually decrease your chances of ever proving yourself wrong. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Consciously choose to believe that the world will support you in its abundance. Not only will you have chosen to believe in a universal truth, but you’ve also chosen a belief that will significantly improve the quality of your life … and of all your relationships with women.
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Be High Value Women tend to be attracted to men of equal or higher value than themselves. But most men are attracted to women who they perceive as being of equal or higher value, too. So if you want someone higher-value … and she wants someone higher value … what gives? Fortunately, nothing at all. You’ve just got to be able to become higher-value than you already are, in a way that women can understand and recognize. And the best part is that all this stuff isn’t just going to make you ‘look better’ to women – it literally improves your life, too. Nice. So here goes.
Eight Ways to Demonstrate Higher Value To Quality Women 1. Be able to teach her something cool. Women like to be able to learn something from the man they are with. If all you’ve got to say is stuff that she already knows, or that she’s heard 10 times before, you’re not going to be much of a hit. So you need to take it upon yourself to stock your mind with fascinating tidbits of information on the kinds of subjects that women are interested in. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Good ol’ Ross Jeffries (who pretty much singlehandedly created what’s now known as the ‘Seduction Community’) advocates stocking up on ‘chick crack’ like rune-reading, handwriting analysis, palmistry, and cold-reading (where you spout personal truisms to someone you’ve never met before, like ‘Oh wow, I can tell from the timbre of your voice that you’re a very empathic and sensitive person who lives in her feelings.’) This is all very well … but personally, I like women who actually have a brain, in addition to any ‘chick crack’ interest in energy flow and so forth. So, I make a point of casting my ‘information net’ nice and wide. Not only do I swot up on all that ‘chick crack’ stuff, but I also make a point of checking out stuff that I want to know more about … stuff that I’d want any woman who shares my life to at least be able to ‘hold her own’ in, too. I get interested in stuff and learn more about it, which means that I almost always have something weird and interesting to talk to women about. For example, I can tell what’s happening with the weather by the shape of the clouds (and then I can scare her with horror-stories about ‘elementals’ feeding off electrical impulses in the air caused by the pressure between thunderheads … etc. More chick crack.) I can build a bomb shelter out of earth, and know how to smoke fish and wild game in my backyard. I know how to make fireworks from scratch. I can discuss Rilke and like talking to ‘academic’ women who’ve read things like Joyce’s Ulysses. I can train just about any dog, no matter how scary or badly-behaved it is. I can analyze human body language, and tell a woman how she’s feeling without even knowing her name. Etc. And I’m able to do this because I cast my net wider every day, through things like Wikipedia (those page links are awesome), collecting books on weird, esoteric subjects, subscriptions to free human-psychology podcasts on iTunes, and even the Discovery Channel. These are things that I am interested in, that not very many people know about. Women All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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who know about these things, or who are interested in them, tend to be the kinds of women that I like to have in my life. It’s a fait accompli – and it’s nice and easy, because I’m not doing these things to ‘get’ women – I’m already interested, and this helps me to hold my own with the kind of women that I want in my life: namely, the smart, witty, passionate ones. Natch. So: read up on stuff that interests women. Then, think about what YOU’RE interested in, and read up on that too. Get knowledgeable. You’ll be more interesting to talk to, and women will perceive you as ‘passionate’ about stuff (read: HUGE turn-on for them.) 2. When you approach a woman or a group, you need to demonstrate energy that is equal or higher to the energy that that woman or group already has. You can’t be bringing them down, in other words. Here’s what you need to do: teach yourself to become a high-energy person. Make energy a natural part of your life. Before you go out, play energetic music loudly. Jump around in your living room. Dance around in your room. Pump weights to White Zombie for 10 minutes before heading out to meet women. All this gives you endorphins and adrenaline and automatically raises your energy levels, which automatically makes you more attractive to women. Also, start making high energy a lifestyle thing. If you are one of those guys who lives in a slump and constantly wants to go lie down and watch TV, it’s time to change that. Women are not attracted to men who are tired, low, or give off negative vibes. So make high energy your lifestyle. Start eating healthy and working out. Take Spirulina tablets. Make an endorphin rush a daily occurrence for you. 3. Learn to lead. If you’re out with a woman, take her hand and lead her to somewhere else in the venue - if she comes with you, she’s interested. And your dominance is proving to her that you All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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are leading – i.e. that you are a dude with a strong personality who is taking charge of the situation. Women love this. It makes them feel taken care of and looked out for. (You can also put your hand lightly between her shoulder blades and guide her – e.g. through a crowded room or to another spot in the venue.) Also, start making suggestions and having ideas for fun stuff to do, things you’re going to take her to go see or do, dates you’re going to go on, drinks you’re going to have, trips you’re going to take. Suggest these ideas masterfully as statements, not questions. Be decisive, and never waffle. 4. Make your body-language laid back and casual. Don’t lean in towards her; you will seem weird and desperate. Lean back. Spread out. Take up some space. Next time you are talking to a woman and you’re sitting down, do this: turn partially towards her. Take one arm and spread it out over the back of your seat. Lean back in your chair, away from her, and spread your legs a little in your chair. Take up some room. If you’re standing, spread your feet shoulder-width apart. Don’t fidget. Let your arms hang down by your sides – it feels weird at first, but it LOOKS natural and confident. If you’re talking to a woman and you’re leaning in towards her, she will either stay where she is, or lean away from you. Either is not good, as her own body language is subliminally reinforcing to her emotions that she is not interested in you. When a woman is interested in you, she leans forward. If her friends see you leaning towards her and her leaning away, they’re going to come rescue her from you. You don’t want that. So lean back, take up some space, and spread out. Chill. And look like you’re chill. 5. Have hobbies and interests and a career, as well as just wanting a girlfriend or some women in your life.
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Part of being a high-caliber man is having a balanced life. You need to have stuff going on in your life that doesn’t revolve around women. When you’re talking to a woman, this will give you ‘fodder’ to bring up and prove that you are an interesting guy with a life, not just another hyperactive weirdo desperate to get a woman. 6. Make sure your friends respect you and treat you well in front of others. This is a big one; people pay attention to how the people who know you best treat you. If your friends are constantly making fun of you in front of women, ruffling your hair, spitting in your drink, and trying to steal the women you’re talking to, you need to lay down the hard word (or get some better friends.) 7. Always make sure that you are respectful to your friends. It’s a two-way street: to make a good impression on others, you must always put your friends first. It’s what quality people do. Ever seen a guy talking to a woman … and one of his friends comes up to him … and instead of introducing his friend and including him in the conversation, he pretty much tells him, ‘Go away! I’m talking to a woman, you’re going to screw it up for me!’ You don’t want to be that guy. Women notice how you treat your friends. If you make HER number-one over them, she’s going to figure that you’re fairly desperate … and that you’re also accustomed to treating people who are close to you BADLY if you might ‘get something’ out of it. Unless you’re in a LTR (long-term relationship), YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD ALWAYS COME BEFORE WOMEN. This is one of those paradoxical things: women actually PREFER IT, and RESPECT YOU MORE, if they are not automatically ‘number one’ in your book.
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If your friends approach while you’re talking to a woman, introduce them. Make them sound cool. (‘Hey, this is my friend James the rock star I was telling you about! James plays local gigs down at the Starlight Ballroom and he totally kicks ass on lead guitar.’) It will reflect well on you: both because you’re the kind of guy who hangs out with cool, interesting people, and also because you’re evidently confident enough to say good things about other dudes. 8. Wherever possible, have female friends around to validate you. Robert Cialdini talks about a key principle called ‘social proof’. This is the principle that, if other people are doing it, it must be good. To other woman, female friends of yours are just that: proof that other women enjoy your company and like being around you. If other women like you, you must be pretty cool. Whenever you are out with female friends, I guarantee you that other women will look on you more favorably. And the hotter your female friends are, the more women will want you.
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #4 You are going to start demonstrating value in front of women. The best way to do that is to practice doing so. Pick three of the eight ways of demonstrating value in front of women, and spend some time figuring out how you can implement them in your lifestyle. For example: 1. Practice thinking of and saying cool things about your friends when you introduce them next time (‘accomplishment introductions’.) Get them to do the same for you. 2. Start looking up esoteric websites and collecting random pieces of interesting information. Subscribe to the Discovery Channel. Go on iTunes and look up some of the cool podcasts they have for free on subjects that interest you. 3. Start working out, and start popping spirulina tablets and multivitamins. Get a basic recipe book and figure out how to feed yourself in a way that supports your energy levels. (As an added bonus, this way of eating will also support your muscle growth, your fat loss (if you need it), your complexion, and your hair.) The idea here is to get yourself used to ACTING in a high-value way, and to actually CREATE a high-value LIFESTYLE for yourself. True high-value men don’t switch that value on and off in order to impress women. It’s simply who they are. Get used to acting in high-value ways, starting today.
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DON’T GET TOO ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME This is another concept from Zen Buddhism, and it’s strongly related to a scarcity mindset. Consider this: Most guys, when they’re thinking about approaching a woman and trying to create attraction, get all caught up in the outcome. They immediately think about how great it would be to have sex with her, or how much they want to take her out sometime. They IMMEDIATELY qualify her as ‘worthy’, without knowing almost ANYTHING ABOUT HER (other than the fact that she’s hot) … and in the process, they make themselves seem very EASY TO GET. Essentially, they start from the end, and work their way backwards, like connecting the dots in reverse. It makes the whole thing very UNCOMFORTABLE FOR EVERYONE, because instead of just rolling up and saying ‘Hi’ and seeing what happens, they get all twisted and tangled up in this notion of needing to make ‘X’ happen. Then concepts like ‘success’ and ‘failure’ start coming into play, the ego gets involved, along with their social worth and their own perception of themselves as a man, and before you know it the stakes are way too high and they’ve just talked themselves out of doing anything. They set themselves up for failure by voluntarily becoming the evaluated, rather than the evaluator. They forget to think about whether she’s good enough for them, and instead get all worried about whether they are good enough for her.
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GONGGGG! Big mistake. Big, huge mistake. Guys who fall prey to this seductive, yet intensely destructive, mode of thinking are usually the ones you see lurking around the outskirts of a gathering of people, hovering around some woman and staring at her. The word women usually use to describe these guys is ‘creepy’. Don’t become one of these guys. And in fact, not being one of these guys is pretty EASY. All you’ve got to do is wake up to the fact that focusing solely on the outcome is basically equivalent to courting failure … … and get interested instead in just living in the moment, not trying to ‘make’ anything happen, and simply letting events wash over you as they will. Let the chips fall as they may. The real problem with attachment to any particular outcome is that it signifies a scarcity mindset. It is rooted in neediness and anxiety. Once again, these are repellent emotions. They turn people off. They are not attractive and will effectively drive women away from you. So, instead of thinking, ‘Oh, man. She’s so hot. It’s been such a long time since I’ve talked to such a hot woman. I have to make it work this time’ … … you substitute neediness and scarcity with simple relaxation, and an ability to trust in the abundance of the universe.
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So, you could think, ‘Wow, she’s hot. I might go talk to her and see what happens.’ Then you’re able to be far more relaxed, far less desperate, and not fixated on ‘making’ a particular outcome happen. There are plenty of women out there. There is enough to go around for everyone. If it doesn’t work out with this particular woman, it’s not a big deal – you can just go meet some more. That way, not only will you be a lot more relaxed and able to react appropriately to whatever may happen during the course of the interaction, but you’ll also be preempting any neediness, clinginess, or repellent anxiety by simply relaxing into the current moment and allowing whatever happens to simply … happen. Again, you’ve consciously chosen to tread the path that will best support your attraction, your lifestyle, and your relationships with women.
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IMPORTANT POINTS TO REMEMBER FROM SECTION ONE Being the best will get you the best. If you’re relying primarily on tricks and techniques to get the girl, at some point you will run out of ‘material’. This is why most relationships go sour after the ‘honeymoon period’ – because that kind of effort’s not sustainable, and you start losing your ability to maintain what attracted her in the first place. If you want to be that guy who never has to wonder, ‘What do I do now?’ … if you want to know instinctively how to act in any situation with women … then you’ve got to become that guy who is the technique, not just acts it. Your beliefs and attitudes play a huge role in what actually happens to you. Your beliefs are what create your actuality. Write down what you want to believe about yourself, and include those statements in your affirmations. Repeat daily, once in the morning and once at night (these are the times when your mind is most receptive to change.) Your subconscious mind cannot differentiate between what is real and what is vividly imagined. If you want to create a new reality for yourself, create a detailed picture for yourself in your mind of what you want. Include all 5 senses. Spend time thinking about it. Game-playing and manipulation is risky and short-sighted. The mindset that lets you think game-playing is OK is also the mindset that will lead you to mediocre relationships of convenience with women. If you want to avoid the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome, avoid playing games and focus on becoming the guy who the women you want find attractive, naturally.
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Figure out what you want, and why. If you don’t know what you want, you have a very small chance of ever hitting the target. As well, if you know what you want but not why you want it, you’re more likely to get discouraged and fall back on old, bad habits. Take some time to think about what you want, and what it will do for you and your life when you have it. Then write those things down, and think about them as you read the rest of this book. They will help to keep you focused and able to internalize that which is important to you. Know what you have to offer a woman. Men who have no sense of what makes them special or unique usually employ a grasping, needy, anxious approach to women where they will accept ‘anything they can get’. This is something that a first-class woman will find repellent. Avoid this trap by knowing what makes you a cool guy, and think about these qualities often and in a variety of situations – especially when you’re around women. Don’t get obsessed. Attachment to a particular outcome is the beginning of the end. When you adopt that scarcity mindset and begin to ‘need’ a particular thing to happen, you’re minimizing your chances of achieving that particular outcome. If you start to get stressed out about a particular woman or a particular outcome, stop. Chill out. Know that there are over 4 billion women in the world (a full 0.3 billion more women than men, in fact) and that many of those women would make a suitable partner for you. There is enough to go around. The universe will support you and help you to achieve what you want by directing a consistent flow of classy, intensely desirable women into your life, as long as you quit getting in your own way and scaring them off with your neediness All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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and fear. Don’t get too attached to the outcome – and enjoy the relaxation and peace that comes with consciously giving yourself up to this fact.
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Section Two: The Knowledge You Need To Escalate to the Next Level OK. So we’ve dealt with the ‘inner game’ aspects of attracting women. Now it’s time to make some headway into the more practical aspects of things. Section 2 is all about how to take it to the next level. We’re going to use the mental, psychological, and emotional progress you’ve made so far as a rock-solid underpinning for some external progress. By external progress, I mean the changes you’re going to make to the outward aspects of your life that will signify to others that you are a high-value, high-status man who is worth getting to know. This will involve things like your physical appearance, voice, and movements; creating a lifestyle that will draw in quality women as relentlessly as a tractor-beam; and finally, where you can go to find the women you most desire. Let’s go.
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EXTERNAL SIGNIFIERS OF ATTRACTIVENESS There are three major outward signifiers of an attractive male: his voice, his carriage, and his looks. Voice A lot of guys go through their lives thinking that it’s what they say to a woman that counts. They spend countless hours memorizing ‘openers’ and ‘material’ that they think will work at attracting women. As a matter of fact, it’s not what you say that’s nearly so important as how you say it. As a matter of fact, communication is only 5% the words that come out of your mouth. Of the remainder, 75% is non-verbal – meaning, body language, eye contact, and movement – and fully 20% is your manner of speaking. (Desmond Morris, The Pocket Guide to Manwatching.) What this means for you is that, if you can get your voice and mode of speaking sorted out, as well as your body language (on this, more later), it almost doesn’t even matter what you say – women will often consider you attractive anyway. This is a very empowering thought, as to most men, thinking of ‘what to say’ to a woman is truly a difficult proposition and entails much preparation and ‘blanking’ on the spot. When it comes to your voice, there are 3 major components contributing directly to your perceived attractiveness. The first is the depth of your voice, the second is the speed at which you speak, and the third is the softness of your voice. If you’ve ever spent time people watching, or even in just about any social situation, you’ll have had the opportunity to observe nervous people. You’ll notice how someone who is nervous or anxious is not only unattractive, but they are also characteristically conversing in a high-pitched voice and are speaking very fast – and, All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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often, very loudly. These three things make you look scared, unconfident, and generally low-value. Fast speech is a global marker of someone who’s afraid that others won’t care what they have to say – they speak overly fast in the hopes of jamming it all into the conversation before others lose interest. A high tone of voice signifies emasculation and nerviness (an excess of the fight-or-flight chemicals, adrenaline and cortisol, in the bloodstream, contract your vocal cords, leading to ‘squeakiness’.) And lacking control over the volume of your voice signifies low self-awareness and general social anxiety. Extreme loudness makes you an irritating person to talk to, and will drive others away. Let’s deal with these 3 things one step at a time. How to lower your voice The essence of speaking with a low-pitched, stereotypically masculine voice – the kind that really resonates with women – is to speak from the DIAPHRAGM. Most people in fact aren’t ever in touch with their diaphragms and, when speaking, utilize purely the air from the tops of their lungs, in which case it’s almost impossible to speak with a deep, manly voice. Breathing and speaking from the top of your lungs feels shallow and restrictive, and actually encourages your body to produce MORE of the fight-or-flight chemicals. It’s a natural physiological response to what your body and endocrinology will perceive as a ‘shallow breathing’, which is what we do when feeling threatened or anxious. The result? An even HIGHER voice and even LESS likelihood that you’ll be able to slow All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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down, DEEPEN, and chill out. The diaphragm is the thick sheet of rubbery muscle that contracts your lungs and controls breathing. Once you can speak from the lower register of your voice, you’re using the diaphragm to control breath and voice. This is sustainable indefinitely (i.e. it’s not just a ‘thing’ that you put on when you want to impress someone… it can literally be a whole ‘new voice’ for you to use at your discretion.) The following diaphragm-isolation exercise was inspired by the teachings of Dr Alex Benzer, licensed hypnotherapist and renowned dating coach (you can check his website out at www.thetaoofdating.com) - Breathe in deeply so that your stomach actually rises. - Hold it for a second. - Now breathe out slowly but forcefully while contracting your abdominals. - Repeat the exercise while saying, ‘Aaaaaaaah’. You will notice that when your diaphragm is being utilized, you will have much more control over the depth and strength of your voice. - Continue to practice until it feels normal and OK to speak like this. … oh, and by the way. Friends and family may comment at first on your ‘new voice’. If so, that’s OK. You don’t have to tell them why you’re suddenly speaking differently if you don’t want to. If, however, you DO want to, you can say something like, ‘I’m experimenting with selfdevelopment, and this just feels better and more natural to me.’ The next aspect of creating a great speaking voice is the speed at which you speak. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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How to slow your voice down We’ve already established that a fast voice seems nervous and unconfident. If you want to seem calm, confident, and strong to women – three things that signify high quality, experience, and attraction – you need to be able to speak at a slow pace. The easiest and most effective way to do this is simply by PAUSING MORE OFTEN in your speech. One of my closest friends is a guy called Richard. When I very first met him, the thing that made the biggest and most immediate impression on me was his VOICE. He had a pretty deep voice … but he also spoke softly and really slowly. He didn’t rush through his words, he just ambled along, taking his time; and he also PAUSED quite often. The effect was really quite dramatic, and other people notice it too. People rarely interrupt Richard; when he speaks, people usually listen. Women often look at him as something of an authority, not because he is one, but because he sounds like one. Start pausing when you’re talking to people. When it feels natural to do so, just stop talking for a beat (you can repeat ‘one hot potato’ in your mind to count it off, if you want.) This can be a weird feeling at first. Particularly if you are already somewhat lacking in social self-confidence, deliberately pausing during speech can feel like you’re inviting other people to interrupt you and basically just walk all over you. Relax. This will not happen unless you are pausing too long. Pause for a beat, do it when it feels natural, and start doing it today. Notice how different you feel when you are speaking this way. Do you feel more in control, more ‘powerful’? SOFTNESS Keep an eye on the volume of your voice. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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My friend’s brother, Mark, has a really loud voice. It’s so loud, in fact, that after about an hour of hanging out in his company, you start to wish that he’d go away for a minute just so you could give your ears a break. I’m sure that girls notice this too, because he rarely has a girlfriend. If you speak too loudly, you will sound harsh, abrasive, and it will literally be physically uncomfortable to spend time with you. A loud voice is not sexy. Softness is what’s sexy. (If you want to really turn a woman on, lean in and whisper something to her. Don’t ask me why this works; but it does. It creates a ‘me and you’ moment that no-one else is privy to, and women like that.) If you are a loud speaker, you are probably not aware of it. Most people will not tell you if you talk too loudly, even if it is in your best interests for them to do so, simply because they don’t want to offend you. And if it has been a lifetime habit, it is very unlikely that you’ll pick up on it yourself. You may want to ask people for their honest opinions. Choose a couple of close friends and/or family members whose opinions you trust, and explain to them that you’re working on your own self-awareness and that you’re trying to pick up on unconscious behavioral habits in order to develop yourself further. Then say something like this: ‘I want your opinion because you’re an honest person and I trust you. Can I ask you, do you think I’d benefit from speaking more softly?’ If they say ‘yes’, or if you personally think you do speak too loudly, you will need to work on this consciously. Spend time in a room with the door shut reading aloud (from this section of the book, if you like.) Read it aloud in your ‘normal’ tone of voice. Then read it aloud in what feels like a ‘soft’ tone of voice, to feel the difference.
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Practice your soft voice more often until it starts to feel natural to you, and then start bringing it out in public. Pay special attention when you are getting excited about something, because that’s when people’s voices naturally begin to rise; if you’re loud by nature, you’ll need to keep a handle on this until soft speech becomes more of a habit. MOVEMENT Any high-value male is recognizable by the way that they move. They have what’s called an economy of movement: they don’t waste energy, they move smoothly and slowly, and they seem physically sure of themselves. When it comes to body-language itself, I could give you a list of what to do and what not to do. However, this isn’t really effective and, unless you’re already fairly experienced in interpreting and controlling the movements of your own body, often results in selfconsciousness and stilted, weird-looking movement. My best recommendation to you is to go rent some DVDs of high-value men, and figure out for yourself what it is about them that connotes mastery. My favorites are James Bond (Sean Connery is best, Roger Moore less so), Steve McQueen – particularly ‘The Great Escape’ and ‘Bullitt’ – and Clark Gable as Rhett Butler in ‘Gone With the Wind’. (This last one is an epic drama that’s about 4 hours long – don’t feel like you’ve gotta watch the whole thing.) Stand-up comedians are also excellent as their body-language is ‘concentrated’ and designed to capture and sustain the attention of large numbers of people at once. Try Chris Rock, Steve Martin, and Robin Williams. To give you an idea of what you’re looking for, pay attention to how slowly and deliberately they move. Watch what they do with their hands when they’re standing still. Most guys don’t know All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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what to do with their hands – ever noticed how, when you’re feeling self-conscious or awkward, it feels weird and unnatural to simply let your hands hang by your sides? But you’ll see that this is actually something that looks totally normal. Watch where their shoulders are, how they sit when they’re sitting down, how they stand when they’re at ease or talking to someone. Pay attention to their speed of movement and their gait (how they walk.) Watch and note all this stuff consciously, and start applying it to yourself. Strike some poses in the mirror and see how certain postures look and feel.
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STYLE AND ATTRACTION Have you ever noticed that a lot of guys try to work an ‘image’ that they’ve got, in order to get attention from women? A lot of men rely quite heavily on some sort of external object or reference point – money, fame, good looks, flashy clothes – in order to be successful with women. If you’ve already got those things, then congratulations to you. You’ll probably already have a measure of success with women, and may be used to getting at least some initial attention from them. As for me, I don’t like relying on external reference points to get attention or success, and I don’t recommend it for long-term success. Here’s why. This might sound a little ‘out there’, so bear with me. It’s because, when you rely on external objects to get women, your interactions with them are always going to be about power and fear. Fear, because you know deep down that you ‘need’ whatever it is – your face, your wallet, your big famous job – to get those women. When the thing goes away, the women go away. That’s scary. And it’s about power, because you know deep down that you – your personality, your spirit, whatever you want to call it – isn’t enough on its own to get those women. You need that thing to get them. And you don’t have 100% control over whether that thing stays or goes … All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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… so you’re constantly wondering, on some level, just ‘how long’ your success with women is going to last. It makes for a very uncomfortable existence, I’ll tell you that. And another thing. Awhile ago, one of my friends broke his wrist in 3 places while mountain biking. He wasn’t wearing wrist guards and he paid the price in fractures. One hospital trip and a bunch of morphine pills later, his wrist had been reset and the doctor had fitted him with one of those colored fiber-glass casts up to his elbow. Fast forward six weeks, off came the cast … and there was my friend with one majorly shrunken arm. With no opportunity to flex and toughen, the muscles had atrophied and become useless. At the time of writing, it’s now four months later and he’s still trying to bulk up that arm to the size it used to be. I’m pretty sure you can see where I’m going with this. Adding too much ‘external support’ to your existing ‘attraction muscles’ … … support that falls outside the realm of your own ‘self’, your personality and general style … … usually ends up with the guy in question relying too heavily on the ‘quick fix’. He uses that fame or that wallet as a meal ticket to get women, and he never gets the opportunity to polish up his real skills and his real self. This is ultimately a limiting approach. When that meal ticket vanishes, the women go with All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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it, and then that guy’s left wondering where to start. This is why using external factors too heavily – relying on them – is both disempowering and fear-inducing. If you want to get to the level where you can just walk up to a woman and know instinctively how to get a good reaction, you’ve got to have a solid game that comes from inside yourself. Your style’s got to be genuine. So: let’s talk about your style.
Do your looks matter? You may have got the impression from what I was saying about ‘external reference points’ that looks don’t matter. Right? GONG!! Reality check: we all know that looks, in fact, do matter. But not in the way that you probably think they do. When it comes to the ‘aesthetic physical appeal’ factor, guys tend to judge women pretty harshly. We just like pretty women. Most guys literally will not be able to feel attraction for a woman unless he finds her physically appealing on some level. It’s not a conscious thing; that’s just the way it is. Because of our propensity to rate eye-candy highly and ignore everyone else, though, we’re actually at a psychological disadvantage when it comes to things like self-image and general confidence around women. Put simply, most guys assume that because we need a woman to look sexy, that women need us to look hot too. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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This is less true than you think. Yes, good looks for a guy are a huge advantage; but they are not necessary in order for you to be great with women. Personally, I’ve never been the sort to turn heads. But, I’ve worked on myself enough and to the extent that my looks are not even a challenge to me any more. It’s just not even an issue. So if you’re not a naturally good looking guy, don’t sweat it. We’ll go more into this later, but take it from me now that if you can make a woman feel a certain way, she’s going to want more from you no matter how many other good-looking dudes there are in the room. BUT … (yes, there is a but.) This is not an invitation to let yourself go, and generally wallow in physical decrepitude. You still need to make the absolute best of what you’ve got. Excellent results require an intensity of dedication, and that means that you’ve got to improve yourself down to the bone and beyond. Here are a few quick pointers. BODY. You don’t need to be in perfect shape, but you should at least have an ‘averagelyOK’ body. If you’re overweight or out of shape, that’s OK: think of it as your jumping-off point to achieving how you really want to look. Make working out a couple times a week part of your lifestyle and take some pride in yourself. HAIR. Women notice hair and what you do with what you’ve got says a lot about your position in life and how you see yourself. It’s about making a choice. ‘Balding’, for example, isn’t a choice; ‘bald’ is. A shaved scalp turns heads and screams confidence; a balding scalp does the opposite. If you’re losing All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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your hair, pre-empt the inevitable and shave your head. I guarantee you, it looks better than leaving it at the half-way mark. Otherwise, get a decent hairstylist. You should not be cutting your own hair unless you’re shaving your head – ditto coloring. Your hair is something that you should not skimp on. Look through some magazines and check out hairstyles on guys with about the same sort of hair as you. Figure out what looks good, and if you don’t know, ask your stylist. Invest in a couple low-maintenance styling products, and then use them tastefully. Don’t overdo it: gobs of gel are tacky, but a little texture can add luster. And don’t do that thing that most guys do and only style the hair you can see (i.e. at the front of your head.) Check out how you look from the back and sides and do a thorough job. Five minutes isn’t too much to ask. NAILS. Manicures are definitely too ‘overkill’, but all your nails – including toenails – should be short and clean. Get some clippers and use them. Regularly clean under your nails with a scraper or a knife. Details matter and women will notice. FACIAL HAIR. I have to say it: the closest thing to ‘The Invisible Man’ in today’s culture is the guy with the full-face beard. Dudes with big beards become invisible to women. They fly beneath the radar, and not in a good way. Do not have a full-face beard. Some facial hair is OK, and pretty much any style goes, but make sure it’s groomed and trimmed. Any kind of bushiness or unkemptness screams ‘lazy.’ If you’re going for the five o’clock shadow thing, that’s cool, but it should be intentional, not accidental. Oh, and bushy mutton-chop sideburns tend to repel women, as do porn-star mustaches. TEETH. You don’t need to have a shiny-white grill, but you should be aware that good teeth are consistently ranked by women as one of the most appealing features a guy can have. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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When I was younger, I used to smoke cigarettes and drink a lot of red wine. After a couple years of this, my teeth were showing it: they were kinda yellowy and it didn’t look good. As a student, I didn’t have a lot of disposable income, but I knew I needed good teeth, so I ended up taking out a loan from the bank to finance the dentist’s bill. Twelve porcelain veneers later, I had great teeth and a killer smile. As a student, it took me a couple years to pay off the debt a little at a time, but it’s one expense I have never regretted and now I have great-looking teeth for life. You don’t have to go to these sorts of drastic measures, obviously, but any noticeably crooked or yellow teeth should be fixed if you want to have credibility as an attractive guy. Check out inexpensive whitening (you can even DIY at home with stuff from the chemist) or you can go to a cosmetic dentist. Prices range from $30 - $3,000. Find a balance between your budget and your desire to meet women, and act accordingly. CLOTHES. You must dress well. Any lack of care in your clothes – unraveled hems, stains, holes – will be interpreted by women as a childish approach to life and a general lack of self-respect. You don’t need to buy a whole new wardrobe, but pay attention to detail and make sure everything on your body is well taken care of. Go through your clothing and turf out anything misshapen, uncomfortable, or unfixable. Check out e-Bay and have a look through bargain bins. Keep an eye out for sales. Learn what you like and buy the right sizes for you: take along a female friend if you can, or any guy friends whose sense of style you admire. Start asking opinions of shop assistants and let them suggest stuff for you. Sometimes they’re way off target, but every now and then they’ll offer something that looks really cool that you’d never have thought of yourself. Don’t overlook your shoes. Invest in some leather polish and start taking care of your shoes. Know that men who wear sneakers, when they’re not literally just about to go play sports, are taken by women to be alarmingly clueless about style, and therefore a social liability. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Steer away from white shoes, too, unless you’ve got the nous to know what looks cool with them. Socks: you should never wear athletic socks or white socks of any kind unless you are an athlete who is actively engaged, at the moment of wearing, in his sport. Buy some good black socks and wear them. (Business socks are good. Wear them pulled high up your calf so your ankles don’t show when you sit down.) A final word: high-water pants. Try to buy pants that are long enough for you: it adds a really nice ‘well-fitting’ look to any outfit and just makes you look polished. The guy whose pants are too short, on the other hand, ends up looking like a lunatic and exposing a good couple inches of pale and hairy calf whenever he sits down. Don’t be that guy. Your pants should rest on your shoes with an inch or two ‘bunched’ around your foot when you’re standing up.
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Lifestyle Design 101 Let me tell you a little story. Man wants a woman. He spends a lot of time perfecting his game and going out looking for someone that’ll have him. Eventually he meets a likely-looking specimen and they hook up. Everything’s peachy. They get on pretty well and things get intense, fast. Before you know it they’re spending just about all their time together. No down-time, no ‘alone time’ – just lots of contact and lots of hanging out. Before you know it, things have gotten kind of stale. Little fights start creeping in. They rarely do anything ‘fun’ together anymore. They start running out of things to say. She starts getting critical of things that never bugged her before. The guy can sense that she’s losing interest so he ups the ante. Starts buying her flowers, bringing home little gifts, and being extra-nice to her so she’ll calm down and things can go back to how they used to be. But nothing works. She gets edgier and more grouchy and critical still, and he can feel the balance of power in the relationship shifting. Finally, one day they break up and never see each other again. THE END Sound familiar? A lot of guys, when they meet a woman they’re really into, make the big fat mistake of making her the focal-point of their life. They stop seeing their friends, they drop little routines like work-outs, catching up with All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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buddies, etc, and their life literally becomes about HER. This is like a recipe for mediocrity and a completely stale relationship. Time apart, doing your own stuff, is completely necessary to maintain sexual tension and keep life interesting. Furthermore, it gives you stuff to talk about with each other and keeps the relationship fresh and sexy. And while we’re on the subject … This can happen even before you meet a woman you’re interested in. For some guys, ‘meeting and attracting women’ becomes the focal point of their lifestyle. Every night becomes about going out and picking up women. All their time starts being spent on reading up, watching DVDs on pickup, and arguing on Internet discussion boards about openers and routines. Here’s the thing: desirable women want passionate men. But they want men who are passionate about something other than just women. Interests are sexy. A life that includes things you care about is sexy. Women are attracted to men who have interests, who care about stuff, and who aren’t overly focused on ‘getting a woman’. So this is where the fun part starts. You get to design the lifestyle that you really want to have, and then you get to take steps to make that lifestyle your life. If motivation is a problem, try this on for size: imagine yourself 5 years from now. What kind of a guy do you want to be by then? What kind of a life do you want to be living? How do you want to be spending your time and money? Close your eyes for 10 seconds and think about it. Really, do it. You need to know where All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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you’re heading here, otherwise you’re just going to go round in circles. Now imagine how you’d feel in 5 years if your life was still the same as it is now and you hadn’t begun to implement any of the things you see yourself doing in the future. Here are some adjectives, in case words fail you: frustrated. Bored. Boring. Washed-up. Pathetic. Average. Mediocre. Unattractive. Immature. Unmotivated. Unsuccessful. If you want to attract ‘blue-ribbon-quality’ women, you’ve got to be a ‘blue-ribbon-quality’ guy. And being a top-quality guy involves having a kick-ass life, being passionate and interesting, and caring about stuff that goes beyond social skills, sex, and women. Think about the kind of women you want to meet. Now think about what kind of men those women would most likely be attracted to. Great women don’t tend to dig guys whose entire lifestyle revolves around just one thing. This is obvious, yes? Good. So if you’re not already doing it, think about some stuff that sounds cool and start doing it. Design a lifestyle for yourself that you’re excited about and that you will be proud to talk about to other people.
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #5 Look: I can’t design your life for you. And if you can’t figure out what you’re interested in, well, all I can say is that it must suck to be you. But here are a few basic ideas to get the ball rolling: Team sports. Individual sports. Body-building. Music. (Playing or listening – although I can tell you that from just about any woman’s point of view, an ability to play any friggin’ musical instrument is going to get you a LOOONG way.) Animals. Get one (but BE AWARE first of what it takes … bad ownership impresses noone) or volunteer at a shelter. Art. Get interested in learning to draw comic strips – or life drawing! You can check out nude women while perfecting your technique (your drawing technique, that is.) And by the way … when you start meeting women, don’t drop that lifestyle. Don’t make it all about her. Keep on doing your own thing and being a cool guy, and focus on striking a balance between ‘social time’ and ‘you time.’ Get the life and the lifestyle you want, and then hang onto it even when you meet someone great – especially when you meet someone great. Just to make sure you’ve got the idea, I’ve drawn you a little diagram on the next page.
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HOW YOUR LIFE SHOULD NEVER LOOK
Woman
You
HOW YOUR LIFE SHOULD ALWAYS LOOK Career Guitar Woman Pets
Family
Hobbies
You
Tennis
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Now it’s your turn. I want you to take this handy blank diagram, and create a life for yourself wherein all of the circles are filled in. Then, practice keeping it that way.
Hobbies
You
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Where to Meet Women In this chapter, we’re going to talk about where the women are hiding. You’ve now got the knowledge you need to cover your bases. You’ve got a style of your own, you’re well-kempt and looking good, you have a sexy, authoritative voice, you’ve got a lifestyle that’s energetic and exciting, and you know what you’re looking for in terms of women. Now the time has come to put that knowledge and ability to use: it’s time to go where the women are. So where are they hiding, exactly? Well – they’re not exactly hiding. The world is full of women, and many of them are attractive and would make a great partner. And yet, for lots of guys, finding a cool woman to hang out with has become a quest that’s not unlike seeking the Holy Grail: it’s difficult, it’s horrifically challenging, and at times it seems damn-near impossible. If you are one of these guys, the first question I have to ask you is: where exactly are you looking for these women? Most guys make the mistake of looking for women in bars and clubs. And while it’s true that you can find women in these places, and some of those women are indeed decent people, it’s just not a realistic venue for creating excellent relationships. And here’s why. Take a second to consider the atmosphere of a bar, club, or party. Everyone’s in ‘going out mode’: most people are feeling wild, crazy, and ready to party hard, which is great at the time …
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… but you just know that most people’s ‘Saturday Night Personality’ is going to dissolve overnight along with the alcohol or drugs in their bloodstream. When they wake up the next day, it’s glamour-face off, and back to the ‘real world’ … and their real personality. This is why most hook-ups that happen in a highly-charged, unrealistic setting like a nightclub very very rarely ever turn into anything more. Of course, if you’re looking for to score with a woman that very night, bars and clubs are usually the places to go, provided that you can handle the intensely competitive atmosphere. You should also be aware that women in clubs are expecting to be hit on: there’s kind of a ‘who gets the most offers?’ atmosphere, which makes it a challenge to really connect with a woman. By contrast, what members of the pickup community call ‘day game’ is much more rewarding, a hell of a lot easier, and there’s the added bonus of being able to figure out which women you’re likely to actually be compatible with. Daytime pickup is scary for a lot of guys at first because it seems like it would be more of a challenge. There’s no alcohol involved, so you don’t have Dutch courage to rely on; the lights aren’t dimmed way down, so everybody can see everybody’s everything; and women aren’t in ‘social mode’ so they’re not really expecting much in the way of conversation with strange men. And this is exactly why it’s so easy. During the day, there are no expectations involved, so there’s no competitive atmosphere where a woman’s ego is involved (‘you mean that’s the best I can do tonight?’), and you actually get to use your individual personality instead of relying on shouted drunken witticisms and loud music to create a mood of hectic, unrealistic sexuality for you.
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If you’re really interested in shaping up your personality and developing a real ability to mesh well with desirable women in all sorts of situations … … not just specific, compartmentalized areas of your life … … then you need to shake off the idea that there is a ‘particular place’ to meet women, and realize that the opportunity is with you twenty-four hours a day. There is no ‘time’ or ‘place’ to meet women. You should always be ready and willing to do so. Having said that, though, here is a list of some of the best ‘secret places’ to meet women. THE GYM. The gym is a great place to meet body-conscious women who are interested in taking care of themselves. Of course, it depends on the kinds of gyms you go to: some are unabashedly ‘singles gyms’ and there is as much networking going on as working-out. Other gyms are less social in nature, and you’ll find that in these ones, women tend to wear earphones and concentrate hard on their work-outs. You’ll probably need to scope out a couple of different ones before you hit the gym with the right atmosphere for you. When you find one you like, stick with it, and get a regular schedule going. When you work out at the same time on the same days, you become a ‘regular’ and it’s easier to meet other people who also work out at those times. One caveat, though: don’t try to engage a woman in a long conversation at the gym. You need to pick a good time – in between sets, or at the water fountain, and keep it relatively short and quick. We’ll get into the art of conversation later, but a quick chat followed by a request for her information is the most appropriate to this setting.
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THE MALL This is a great place to meet women. You don’t have to be a consumerist sort of guy yourself – i.e. you don’t have to actually be a mall-rat in order to take advantage of the hordes of well-dressed women wandering around in malls. Shop-assistants are also great ‘prey’ because it’s easy to start a conversation with them, for obvious reasons: they’re paid to help you. Ask them about the stock, ask them to help you pick something out, and you’ve got an instant, easy, natural conversation to build on. COFFEE SHOPS I love coffee shops because it’s so easy to find the right kind of woman for you – all you have to do is figure out what kind of a lifestyle you want your woman to have, and shop accordingly. If you want a savvy professional type, the best time to go is before 8.30 am, at lunchtime, and around 5 pm, and choose a ‘mainstream’ coffee bar known for its efficiency and wide range (Starbucks is perfect.) If you want a cruisy artist type, choose the funky coffee shop with the reggae playing in the background, incense burning, and colorful art on the walls, and go at unusual hours during the day when most others are working regular jobs. Then it’s simple. Choose a table, get your newspaper, crossword, or sketchpad out, hang out with your coffee, and just peoplewatch. It’s easy to make conversation when you’ve got time to hang out for a bit. TIP: Stop ordering those fluffy, super-decorated girly drinks at coffee shops. If you’re sitting there with a mint-cream double-whipped mochaccino with chocolate powder and cinnamon sticks sticking out of it, women are going to notice that. The ones who like ‘manly’ men may feel that something is ‘off’ about you. Experiment with triple espresso and ‘man coffee’ and stop drinking those sugary, flamboyant girlie-drinks. ANY KIND OF HOBBY THAT RELATES TO YOUR LIFE Want a woman who’ll slot effortlessly into your lifestyle? Then figure out what you want her to be interested in, and go take a class in it.
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For example, a lot of my life revolves around my dogs. (I have two, both Rottweilers.) I spend a lot of time with my guys, walking them, training them, and just hanging out together, and I prefer women who are cool with that – better yet, women who have dogs of their own and know what’s up. So, even though my dogs are both pretty well trained, I signed up for a course in dog training. It makes sense that women who own dogs are likely to show up at a dog-training course, and odds are that one or two of them will be attractive. Sure enough, there were a couple twenty-something women there giggling over their massive Newfoundland puppy (one of those huge black hairy dogs with webbed toes). When my dog went over to check their dog out, it was pretty easy to start a conversation, and I ended up dating one of them for a couple months. Of course, you don’t have to be interested in dogs, that’s just an example. You could be interested in life drawing, cooking (always a great one – you can invite women round after it’s over to see who can make the best dish), bartending, whatever. Get creative and check out what’s happening in your area. EXTREME SPORTS This is an awesome place to meet extremely hot, fit, toned women. I went on a cycling tour with a couple buddies when I was about 28 and there was a bunch of women there who literally had the tightest bodies of any women I’ve ever seen. Biking behind those women was one of the highlights of the trip. I had a girlfriend at the time, but my friends were both single and quite happy to make the most of the opportunity. Anything that requires passion and a certain degree of ability (whether general fitness or a specific skill) is going to weed out the no-hopers and will ensure that any women present will likely be a pretty interesting woman herself, with a lot going on in her life. YOGA CLASS Kinda like the gym, you might think … WRONG! Not quite. Yoga classes are populated by a very specific type of woman. Allow me to describe her for you: supple, stretchy, lycra pants, gentle and caring, usually between 17 and 35ish in age, ‘alternative’ approach to life, dedicated, physically All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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disciplined, toned, and passionate about her life and her body. Sound interesting? Yeah, thought so. Most guys are prepared to ridicule the idea of yoga class, but it’s way more mainstream now than you might think and most classes are about 80% - 90% women. That means that for every one guy present, there are eight or nine women. Those are good odds. A word to the wise: don’t try and start a conversation during the class itself. Yoga involves a very intense form of mental and physical concentration and any talking is frowned upon. Your best bet for making friends here is to turn up 10 minutes early and just hang out with whoever else is there. Most women will leave soon after the class is finished without hanging around because they don’t want to hang around all sweaty and rumpled, so before it starts is your best bet. BOOKSTORES Bookstores totally rock. They are one of the best places ever for enjoying easy, comfortable, unconstrained conversations with cute women who also happen to have a brain. Better yet, you can get a pretty good idea of what kind of woman she is by what she’s looking at. Me personally, I don’t go for women who read those Mills and Boone type romance novels – I like intelligent women, so I know that if she’s browsing Somerset Maugham, Tom Wolfe, or Hunter S. Thompson, for example, we’re going to get along just fine. Ditto nonfiction and especially ditto ‘special interest’ books: once I dated a woman who I found reading an art book about how to make these huge, 8-foot sculptures out of hand-made paper and wire.
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Not only was this woman absolutely smoking hot, but she turned out to be a pretty amazing artist too and we had some good times fooling around in her studio. It’s easy to approach a woman in a bookshop. All you’ve got to do is ask her what she’d recommend. Or hang out in her section and comment on the authors she’s browsing. Simple, and an ensuing conversation that’s actually interesting is highly probable. EXPAND YOUR OWN SOCIAL CIRCLE This is literally the best and most effective way of meeting women – EVER. And that’s NOT hyperbole. To become adept at meeting women – without the initial awkwardness of ‘making the approach’, or attempting to talk to complete strangers – you must become a social animal. You need to become a social maestro. First of all: start accepting ALL social invitations that come your way. This is more of a challenge than it sounds for most. How many times have you invented an excuse to get out of some work bash you didn’t feel like attending, or decided on the spur of the moment to stay at home, eat pizza, and watch movies instead of going out to a party? From now on, you are going to accept EVERY social invitation that you get. And I do mean EVERY. And not only that, but you must also show up at the event. Even if it’s ‘not your thing’, even if you’re too tired or just don’t feel like it – be a man of your word. If you said you were going to go (and you’d better have done), go. Even if it’s just to make a one-hour appearance. Even if it’s a long taxi ride. DO IT. It’s the best way to build a social circle and meet women. It’s also a great way to make more friends, support your professional relationships, and strengthen existing friendships.
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This way, you get introduced to women instead of ‘approaching’ them (Robert Cialdini’s theory of social proof works in your favor yet again. If a mutual friend is introducing you, you must be good.) Secondly: throw parties. If you’re having trouble stocking one with the minimum required to have a great time (20 people, usually), you now have 3 months to get ready. Here’s what you do. Start asking for, and keeping, business cards. Add numbers to your cell-phone when you meet people. And then: call them to say hi a day or two later. Doesn’t have to be a big deal; just call, say, ‘Hey, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed talking to you the other day. How was the rest of your night/did you enjoy the rest of the picnic/were you hungover the next day? Ha ha, me too. Hopefully I’ll bump into you again soon. Great talking to you. See you later!’ and that’s it. Piece of cake. This is a great way to build up your social numbers and basically get a good socialnetworking thing going on. After 3 months of this, you should have enough numbers and cards to throw a bash. And throw one you will. Get used to hosting things, because that’s what leaders do. WHERE ELSE? It doesn’t take much to meet women – let alone interesting, attractive, all-round excellent women. And yet, for a lot of men, it’s really hard to do. Here’s what I suggest: if you’ve been trying to meet high-quality women for awhile now, and nothing’s come up, don’t start believing it’s hard to do – just change your routine. Start doing different things at different times, and stick with it. ‘Regulars’ will usually not notice you, unless you are exceptionally good looking, until you’ve been going somewhere ‘regularly’ for at least a couple weeks. Talk positively to yourself. Remember the abundance mentality: there are a lot of women out there. Many of them are great. And many of them would be great for you. So if you’ve been trying to meet someone for awhile now and nothing particularly great’s come up, it’s most likely because your routine’s getting a bit old. If you’re like most guys, you’ll hang out with your friends, go out in big groups of guys, All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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check out bars and parties and clubs, and not bother overly much about day-game or about trying out some new venues and situations. And if you are doing all that, and you’re still not meeting someone worthwhile, you’ve got to take a look at how you’re doing it. Are you going out by yourself at all? This is a good idea, particularly during the day – large groups of guys look kind of childish to women and make you seem like you’re ‘out on the prowl’ on spring break or something. If you must go out with friends, make sure you approach women on your own – don’t have your friends lurking at your back. Another possibility is that something you’re saying or doing is putting those women off. You might be saying the wrong thing, hitting them up in the wrong way, boring them, or scaring them off. The next section is going to deal with exactly how to communicate with women in a way that minimizes rejection and your chances of getting ‘the brush-off’, and that maximizes your chances of success no matter what venue or situation you’re in. But before we do, it’s time for a quick progress review.
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Important Points to Remember from Section Two You’ve got to have your own style and it’s got to suit you. Excellent men get excellent women. That’s just the way attraction works. A great woman tends to have options – meaning, there is no need for her to settle for anything LESS than high-grade masculinity. And part of being that excellent guy who attracts the attention and interest of excellent women is showing yourself the care and respect that you deserve. You should be in OK shape, taking care of your body and skin, wearing clean, taken-careof clothes that fit you well, and figuring out what colors look good on you. If you aren’t sure what’s cool, take a friend with you (just make sure you admire their style), or ask shop assistants to help you pick stuff out. Keep an open mind, but don’t go for stuff that makes you feel weird or uncomfortable. You should be paying attention to your hair: its style and color. You’re making choices about this, not just letting nature/age dictate how you look. You know that hygiene is important, that fresh breath and deodorant are absolutely required at all times, and that great teeth will get you far with women. Design a kick-ass life for yourself, whether you’re involved with a woman or not. Focusing entirely on ‘getting a woman’ will ensure that you most likely will never get a woman. If you want quality women in your life, you’ve got to design a cool life for yourself and take joy in living it. This should be something you want to do for yourself, not just as a ‘thing’ that you do to ‘get women’. If you’re not willing to do this for yourself, it’s clear that you don’t have a lot of respect for yourself, and you probably will always have difficulty in this area of your life until you get it sorted.
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So get a kick-ass life and enjoy it for what it is: a way for you to do cool stuff and seem like a cool guy at the same time. Hang onto that life once you’ve got a woman. Too many guys let their sweet lifestyle slide once they get a woman, and start spending all their time with her. They forget that they’re doing it for themselves, not just as a way to ‘get women’. This inevitably results in the woman feeling cheated of the great guy she started dating, kills the attraction over time, and will create irritability, frustration, and boredom. Time apart doing your own thing is absolutely essential if you want to keep things jumping. Don’t worry if she doesn’t get this at first; just explain that this is what you need to do to be happy, and then go do it. Bars and clubs are not good places to meet women. Most men’s ‘dating lives’, or efforts to get one, revolve entirely around what happens on a drunken Friday and Saturday night. This is a terrible way to form great relationships with anybody – it’s high pressure, unrealistic, and most women are in ‘party mode’ and not giving you a real indication of who they’ll be once the alcohol wears off. Put your knowledge of what kind of woman you want into good use, and think about what kind of interests you want her to have. Then, start turning up in places where that kind of woman would likely be. If you’re out meeting women, it’s not a great idea to turn up in huge herds of single men, either. Take one or two buddies out with you who you know are good with women, and leave them in the background – preferably out of earshot – if you’re making an approach.
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Section Three: How to Communicate With Women In this section, we’re going to deal with how to talk to women in such a way that you are able to feel relaxed, be straight-up, never kiss anyone’s ass, and maximize your quality and attraction. After time, and with due diligence, these conversations will begin to bear fruit (a lot of sweet, varied fruit) … and better yet, it will begin to feel literally EFFORTLESS on your part. Why? Simply because this is all about creating the SKILLS within you that are necessary to gain huge, lasting success in this area – as opposed to rote-learning lines and ‘canned material’ to get you through in the short term. In this section, we’ll take a look at: - which ‘popular’ methods of talking to women are outdated and actually NOT helpful - the art of being compelling - how to start a conversation with a woman - how to be radically, shockingly honest with her in a way that draws attention to your higher status, and that creates instant, MASSIVE attraction - how to control your emotions around women during your interactions with them - how to get a woman’s ‘information’ - when you should call her - how to talk on the phone to a woman All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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HOW NOT TO TALK TO WOMEN (a.k.a. popular techniques which may NOT be all that they seem) As you’re probably aware, a huge sub-culture has sprung up around the art of meeting and attracting women. In commercialized circles, this is called ‘the art of pickup’ and there are a number of very famous gurus who are currently in the process of making absolute FORTUNES taking hopeful guys out on ‘bootcamps’. During these bootcamps, groups of hopeful men are subjected to an intensive variety of seminars and slideshows specifically designed to cram their brains full of strategies for ‘getting women’. Despite my genuine respect for many members of this community, I have to cut to the chase right now and say that, if you’re interested in authentic, meaningful, EFFORTLESS, long-term success with women – of the type that spills over into all areas of your life, be it your professional life, your ability to make friends and ‘network’, your financial success – MOST of these ‘techniques’ don’t work on a consistent basis for the average guy. Not because the techniques themselves don’t work. …but because they are, almost 100%, very difficult and ‘bumpy’ techniques to apply. If you don’t have a tutor schooled in that particular art standing right by you and paying attention, willing to let you know exactly when you screw up and when you’re on the right track, most guys just end up SCREWING IT UP. They either offend the girl, come across as a complete nut-job, or run out of stuff to say. Of course, there’s no guaranteeing that you’re one of these guys. You might not be. And these techniques might all work perfectly for you.
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If so, you have my blessing. And please, feel free to try. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Anyway. The point of the next few pages is to give you a few pointers about what OTHER guys out there ‘in the field’ are doing, why they may very well try to ‘convert’ you to their own modus operandi, and why these techniques are NOT necessarily the ‘best way’ for you to interact with superior-quality, desirable women. SIDE NOTE: all of the following concepts are, in fact, structurally sound, and if used CORRECTLY, as intended, they can definitely be of assistance in your interactions with women. However, most guys unintentionally ‘twist’ the concepts and end up accidentally misusing them. The following pages will help to set you straight on this, so that you’re able to make an informed decision about when (if ever) it’s appropriate for you to supplement your own style with the concepts of others. Onward.
Canned Material and Pickup Lines Look: I’ll be honest with you. The use of ‘canned material’ such as ‘openers’ can actually be pretty damn useful … … as long as you don’t take it TOO FAR. An ‘opener’ is an interesting sentence or question that’s designed to open a conversation. Nothing more. Unfortunately, many guys don’t quite get this, and end up talking basing a whole All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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CONVERSATION around the original line. This is both weird and boring. Remember: ‘openers’ are just that: something to ‘open’ a conversation. Use it, then get out. Period. For example, the ‘opinion opener’ is pretty good. This is where you say something like, ‘Hey, my friends and I were just having a debate. They think that most girls will take back a guy who cheated on them, if he apologizes prettily enough.’ (pause for outraged squeals.) ‘I don’t think so, but neither of us can convince the others.’ Now add a time constraint, so she doesn’t think you’re going to be hovering over her all night. ‘We’re heading off in just a sec, but what do you guys think?’ Talk about the opener for a couple minutes, and then change the subject. Remember that: it’s an OPENER, not a CONVERSATION. If you’re still talking about the cheating question in 5 minutes, you’ve gone too far. ‘Openers’ themselves are all good, when used APPROPRIATELY … but I have to say that the use of ‘routines’ kind of weirds me out. (Ditto, lots of women.) (A ‘routine’ is a memorized conversation, where you recite lines designed to get a certain reaction from people.) Look: that’s not to say that they’re not effective. Because they can be. It’s more that relying too heavily on this kind of thing literally sucks the personality right out of you – and can actually atrophy your own ability to develop a cool PERSONALITY (as opposed to ‘a cool set of routines’.) NOTE: Most PUAs will advise you of the same thing: that ‘canned material’ etc is meant to be used as training wheels only. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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But there are still plenty of guys out there whose entire social lives consist of walking up to women and hitting them with routine after routine after routine … with the effect that their own character withers away (as does an ability to think on one’s feet like a real human being.) Most quality women – i.e. SMART women – can figure out that something’s a bit weird in this situation. A guy who uses too much canned stuff can come across as too smooth and too rehearsed, as though he’s not being authentic. (Which, of course, is absolutely right.) So, use openers and canned material PROPERLY – that is to say, lightly – and you’ll be just fine. Just don’t OVERDO it. (By the way, if you’ve ever read Neil Strauss’s ‘The Game’, you’ll also know that if there are enough guys ‘sarging’ with canned material in any one place, women can literally get the same lines and material used on them again and again by different guys. You can imagine the sort of embarrassment that something like this would create.) Many PUAs who use canned material are basing their technique of pickup heavily on the Mystery Method, an extremely complex form of ‘social mathematics’ including many and varied ‘routines’ and methods for attracting women. While I’m in no way dissing Mystery or his Method, I have to say that for most guys, attempting to learn and memorize his ‘mathematical formula’ of meeting and attracting women is just too confusing for them without some pretty intensive hands-on tutelage. All those diagrams and charts and acronyms and precise timings just get right on top of most guys – and in fact, can create situations best described by the word ‘weird’. If you’ve ever seen an unschooled guy attempting to ‘mirror a woman’s body language’ in an attempt to ‘create rapport’, then you’ll know what I’m talking about. If you’ve been lucky enough to avoid this so far, good for you.
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Of course, using good body language is great. That’s a smart thing to do. But just don’t try anything ‘tricky’ (like ‘mirroring’ a woman’s body language) unless you’re either DAMN sure of what you’re doing, or you’ve got an instructor present. Otherwise, you WILL creep her out. As far as canned material goes, there is no harm in SUPPLEMENTING your own personality and conversational topics with a few practiced lines; they can help smooth over a rough spot in the conversation if you should ever go ‘blank’ (which is something that most guys experience once or twice at first.) However: if your ENTIRE GAME is based upon the use of pre-memorized, pre-practiced material, you are in trouble. Why? Because sooner or later, that ‘material’ is going to run out … and then you’re going to be stranded in the chaotic, heaving seas of Socializing With An Attractive Woman, without ANY idea of how to throw yourself a conversational life-jacket. Remember, guys: like attracts like. Quality attracts quality. Being an excellent man will get you excellent women. There’s no two ways around it. And if your whole strategy is based around hiding behind a thin, soothing foam of learned ‘pickup jargon’ and rote-learned ‘openers’, smart women are going to figure out after about ten minutes (or when your material runs out, whichever comes first) that something doesn’t quite jibe here. As for pickup lines themselves (as opposed to a good opener), they’re obviously OUT. No exceptions here. If you’re serious about attracting women, you will steer WELL clear of pickup lines. They’re cheesy, boring, and furthermore, they’re actually a little rude: ever noticed that a pickup line actually kinda puts a woman on the spot? (I mean, what kind of response is she really expected to have to a question like, ‘Is your father a thief? Because there are two stars All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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missing from the sky and they’re right there in your eyes’?) Pickup lines will do one of two things: either force a polite (and bored) smile from her; or, force her to respond in some way – and the most common is to respond with a rude comment of her own to ‘save face’. So steer away from pickup lines; and use canned material with a light hand, if ever. Time for a quick exercise before we go any further …
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Actionable Attraction Challenge #6 It’s time for you to come up with a couple good openers of your own. Remember, an opener is something designed to OPEN a conversation… not the entire ‘meat’ of the conversation itself. The easiest way to do it is to think about something funny or interesting (that a WOMAN would find interesting) that people could conceivably have two different opinions about. Common ones (don’t use these) include ‘Hey guys, my friend’s throwing a party soon and he wants it to be themed. I reckon it should be 80’s themed, he wants it to be jungle. What do you think?’ Or, ‘OK, I need a female opinion on something. Is David Bowie actually hot?’ Note that these are NOT ‘serious’ subjects. They are light, fluffy, and pretty frivolous. That’s the whole idea: they lead into light, frivolous, FUN conversations. Now it’s your turn. I’ll start it off for you: ‘Hey guys, me and my friends were just discussing something. What’s better, ____ or ____?’ And now, come up with 5 more of these. You can use them next time you go out. 1. Hey guys, let me get your opinion on something. _______________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________? 2. Hey, me and my friends were just discussing something. _________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________?
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3. OK, me and my friends over there need a female opinion on something. ___________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________? 4. Hey, I’m having an argument with my friend. He thinks ________________________ and I think _______________________. You guys have to help us settle the debate! 5. OK, I need you guys’ help. Me and my friends are trying to settle a debate. They all think that _________________________________, and I totally don’t agree. I think ___ _____________________________. We need a smart female opinion on what the truth is. But what if you don’t want to use canned material at all? Good question. It’s my opinion that, if you’re a genuinely high-grade guy who’s living a kick-ass life, who socializes regularly, and who has a solid set of social skills (which is a natural byproduct of regular socializing), YOU DON’T NEED ANY OF THAT STUFF. Your own, spontaneous conversation will actually be NATURALLY EXCELLENT. And if you minimize the ‘canned’ stuff, here’s something that will NEVER happen: that bizarre, skin-crawlingly awkward point that comes when you ‘run out of things to say’, you’ve got your face against a brick wall, your library of lines has failed you ... and you’re left thinking, ‘Ummm … now what am I meant to say?’ Or that horrible point that comes when a woman figures out that you’re using scripted ‘lines’ on her. (NOTE: It is actually possible to weasel out of this one with minimum embarrassment, simply by laughing at her and saying, ‘Huh?’, or even flat-out ignoring her comment – but you’ve gotta have balls of steel, and a ZERO capacity for blushing.)
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Experience is the key, gentleman. That is the answer that you are looking for. And once again, reading about it isn’t going to provide you with the magic: it’s action that’s going to create attraction. It boils down to this: get off the couch, stop interacting with your television, and put more of a focus on building genuine skills. It’s the only way to avoid the ‘Now what?’ phenomenon.
Being the ‘alpha male’ Here’s the deal with being the ‘alpha male’. The basic concept (that women are attracted to men who are ‘better’ than they are in terms of social status and power) holds true; but MOST MEN wildly misinterpret the need to be ‘the alpha male’ in any given situation. Have you ever been out in a social situation, somewhere where guys are likely to be ‘competing’ over the attention of a woman, and seen a group of guys standing around one or two very hot women … … and the guys, instead of actually talking to the WOMEN, start ‘one-upping’ each other, getting into wrestling matches, trading insults, and basically trying to prove to each other (and the women) that THEY are the ‘alpha male’ and are ‘better’ than all the other dudes there? Now let me ask you another question. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? In a word: EVERYTHING. Being the ‘alpha male’ is not about ‘one-upping’ other guys. It’s not about egoic behavior like trying to tear down other people in order to make yourself appear superior. And it’s NOT about ignoring the WOMEN in order to focus on ‘proving a point’ to the MEN.
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Truly being an alpha male is about having something to offer the situation that brings everybody together, catalyzes laughter and good times, and makes it clear WITHOUT stress or aggravation that you are a high-value kinda guy, and one that women (and everyone) would do well to have around. So if you can approach a mixed group of guys and women, and – instead of trying to DOMINATE all the guys there – actually BEFRIEND them, and make the ENTIRE GROUP start laughing, then you’ve effectively ‘alpha’ed’ yourself. From a woman’s perspective, the kind of guy who she will perceive as ‘valuable’ is someone who will IMPROVE her life, not make it more difficult. So, if you demonstrate your ability to ADD VALUE to her life (by creating an atmosphere of easy good times in her group, for example), she will be more likely to view you as a ‘potential’ than if you’d attempted to exile all the other males from the group so that you could have ‘priority access’. Oh, and one other thing: if you’re wasting time thinking about how ‘alpha’ you are, worrying about it, and trying to prove it to other people, then you are not alpha. Remember: it’s not about putting on a show of strength. Yes, women want someone who will be able to protect them and make them feel safe, but one or two casual references to this in a roundabout way will suffice.
‘Busting on’ women The concept of ‘busting on’ women is, again, strongly related to the viewpoint that women are drawn to men who are ‘higher-value’ than themselves, and who are therefore not intimidated by signifiers of feminine status – primarily, extreme beauty. This concept is entirely TRUE. To give you a little background, most guys who are relatively inexperienced with meeting and attracting women tend to drool over beautiful women from a distance, but will rarely All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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actually summon up the nerve to APPROACH them. And, if they DO approach, they are usually so influenced by how attractive the woman is that they resort to one of any number of fawning, obsequious conversation starters: ‘Wow, you’re really pretty. You must have a boyfriend, huh?’ ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ ‘Oh my God, you’re so beautiful, can I take you out some time?’ … and so on. The concept of ‘busting on’ women takes this attitude and turns it on its head. It suggests that if you want to impress a woman, you must not only NOT appear to be affected by her looks in any way, you must also NOT comment on them … AND, you must actively take her down a notch at the same time. The originators of this concept, and those who use it correctly, know that successful ‘busting’ consists of GENTLE teasing and the kind of playful conversational style that merely signifies to a woman that you’re a naturally high-value guy who needs more than just good looks alone in a woman, and who’s not going to lose his cool because she’s got a pretty face. Unfortunately … There are now guys out there right now believing that ‘busting on’ a woman means actually INSULTING HER, giving her a hard time, or commenting in a negative manner about deeply personal issues such as her hair, her height, her makeup application, or her accent. Not too long ago I overheard a reputable dating coach suggesting that his students can focus on a beautiful woman’s flaws. The example that he gave was of a guy approaching a woman with a little bit of regrowth All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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at the roots of her hair (where the dark roots showed through) and saying, ‘Wow, you have such beautiful hair. How on earth did you only manage to dye the ROOTS?’ Now, the creator of this technique was the one who originally used this particular line on a woman, and I expect that his consummate skill would have enabled him to pull it off. But in my experience, very few people would have been able to pull this off without causing some pretty severe resentment and/or embarrassment for both parties involved. And it’s not really something that ‘naturals’ tend to do anyway. Look: women don’t like to be insulted. It’s a fact of life. They ESPECIALLY don’t like to be insulted about personal aspects of themselves (ESPECIALLY their LOOKS.) If you’re going to break this rule, you’d better be pretty damn charming in all other aspects of your personality. Consider yourself warned. The idea BEHIND busting on a woman is sound, and WHEN IT’S DONE AS INTENDED it can be very effective. But I counsel you to be very careful, and NEVER comment on anything to do with a woman’s body, face, height, hair, or anything that’s personal. For example, it might be OK to make a jokey comment about the size of a woman’s handbag, because that’s not something that is representative of HERSELF, and hey, she can always get a new handbag if you strike a nerve. On the other hand, making a comment that relates to something representative of HER, and that can’t easily be changed – for example, how short/tall she is – is to risk turning her right off you (at best), or creating a confrontation between her and you (at worst.) Yes, you can be PLAYFUL with a woman, and no, you shouldn’t take her too seriously or give her the idea that you’re affected by her looks. But the point of ‘teasing’ is that it must be done GENTLY and MILDLY, GENTLY and MILDLY – and under no circumstances should you ever confuse ‘teasing’ with ‘insulting’.
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How to Be Compelling Most men are not compelling around women. They may know how to TALK to women, but they don’t know how to actually evoke any EMOTION from those women while they’re doing it. And, until you can call emotions into play, it’s unlikely that she’ll feel any emotions towards YOU … … and that includes the emotion of ATTRACTION. Think about it. If you are forever talking about ‘intellectualized’ things that rely heavily on facts, rationality, and logic … or if your conversational skills range only to your job, your car, the current temperature, how nice her dress is … if you can’t evoke any FEELINGS in her during a conversation, she’s not going to feel anything about YOU. This is how most men operate around women. This is largely because many men are conditioned to feel ‘ashamed’ of their masculinity, or that it’s somehow inappropriate to telegraph any kind of attraction or sexuality her way. The result is that they scrape off any vestiges of interest and evocative traits from themselves, and rely solely on dry, bland topics of conversation, modes of speech, and body language whenever it’s time to talk to a woman. The result, of course, is a COMPLETE LACK of EMOTION on her part, and subsequently, a complete lack of ATTRACTION. If you want to be attractive to women, you must learn how to be COMPELLING – that is to say, you know how to evoke emotions and feelings in women during your conversations with them. If you can make a woman feel something, you are then a COMPELLING man, and one who is creating a rich environment for other feelings-based things like ATTRACTION and sexuality. Here are a few suggestions.
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You’re a man. Be OK with that. A lot of guys out there are, on some level, actually ashamed of their masculinity. They’re absolutely terrified of scaring a woman, intimidating her, or making her feel ‘threatened’, and so they simply sterilize their personalities of everything that could be construed as ‘male’ and ‘sexual’, and then blindly hope for the best. At best, this kind of behavior will get you a bunch of LJBF relationships. At worst, you will never have any success with women at all and will go through you life like a puling, mewling, cringing mutt, wondering why women aren’t attracted to you yet unable to understand what you need to CHANGE about yourself in order to change the results you’re getting. FACT: Women like MEN. MANLY men. You must accept that, not only are women NOT THREATENED by guys who are OK with their maleness and inherent sexuality, but that they actually LIKE IT. (And by the way – if you appear to be afraid of your sexuality, or apologetic in any way for who you are, this will actually unsettle women a lot more than if you were straightforwardly OK with yourself, because it makes you seem like you’ve got something to compensate for. They begin to wonder, ‘What is this guy so afraid of? What’s he hiding from me? What’s he afraid might happen?’ Not good.) The world is crying out for strong, masculine men who are FINE with the fact that they’re different from women. It’s OK to be a man. It’s OK to like sex. It’s OK to telegraph that fact to a woman. Don’t be ashamed and NEVER apologize (or feel apologetic) about it.
Talk about interesting stuff. Learn to talk about more interesting stuff than work and the weather. A big part of this is having a life that you’re passionate about; something else that helps is to get interested in self-development.
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This doesn’t necessarily mean delving into the ‘self-help’ section at the bookstore; it simply means getting really interested in attaining an across-the-board standard of excellence in your LIFE, and talking to other people about it. For example, something that I find incredibly interesting is the theory of quantum physics, which is basically the science of possibility. I love the idea that we are all inherently responsible for EVERYTHING that happens in our own lives, that our thoughts and beliefs literally create our realities, and that you can cause something in your life to appreciate simply by appreciating it. This is a real hobby-horse of mine and I love to talk about it with women that I meet when I’m out and about. It’s also something that a lot of women are interested in (being that women tend to be more interested in personal development than men, as a general rule) so I have a great topic to debate about, call them up on, tease them about, and then branch off into other, personal issues. Of course, quantum physics may not be your thing; that’s just an example. There are plenty of kick-ass things out there to get interested in and talk about. But if you’re interested in being COMPELLING at the same time, choose something with a little ‘sex appeal’ and a little HUMAN INTEREST, so that she can relate what you’re talking about to her own life, have opinions on it, and FEEL SOMETHING when you’re talking about it. (And if you want to investigate quantum physics, go read ‘The Dancing Wu Li Masters’ by Gary Zukav, and watch ‘What the Bleep Do We Know?’ on DVD.)
Use humor. Levity is something that can be used to introduce feelings into just about ANY conversation. If you can make a woman laugh, you are definitely making her feel something, and she likes it. Teasing is great (bearing in mind the caveats from the previous chapter) as long as it’s nonmalicious and done in a humorous, playful way. If you can learn to tease a woman well, All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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you’ll have an unlimited supply of things to talk about. Figure out what is funny and start to implement it into your life. Pay attention to how funny people stand, move, and talk: the delivery is more important than what’s said. For inspiration, watch ‘The Comedian’ by Jerry Seinfeld, and check out comedy acts in clubs around town.
Challenge her. Most guys, when confronted with a woman they find attractive, immediately assume an ‘I’m less than her’ stance and practically wheedle her into talking with them, as though they need to bargain for her attention. If you want to create FEELINGS in her, a great way of being compelling is to start challenging her. You can do this by taking the ‘why should I talk to YOU?’ viewpoint. Again, not in a malicious way; the idea is to not pre-approve her straight away, as that automatically puts you on the back foot. Instead, if you can convey to her that you’re going to be a challenge and that you’re NOT going to supplicate to her, beg her for attention, or ‘pay her’ (with compliments, compliance, drinks, etc) for her time, then SHE will feel as though she’s on the back foot. Women love a challenge. They love to feel like they’ve got to ‘earn’ something – especially extremely attractive women, who are used to being pre-approved all the time and who usually never have to lift a finger to do or get anything. Be different. Be challenging. Evaluate HER. A great way to convey ‘evaluation’ and ‘challenge’ is to pay attention to your body language and make sure you’re leaning BACK. Ever see a guy craning forwards to a woman, leaning into her, and nodding a lot? It makes him look needy and overlycompliant. So, if you’re standing, don’t get too close. Keep a little distance (although don’t be weird about it.) Don’t nod whenever she says something. Don’t laugh all the time. Don’t smile unless she says something genuinely funny. BE A CHALLENGE. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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How to Start a Conversation With a Woman A lot of guys equate ‘talking with women’ with ‘waiting until she disentangles herself from her friends in order go to the toilet or bar, and then sidling up to her as soon as she’s by herself’. This is a great way to waste an evening. Attractive women are rarely to be found alone – they are more often with at least one other friend. Usually, they are in groups. (Of course, it depends on what time of day you’re thinking of approaching – women are frequently by themselves during the day, but less so at night. So if, for example, you’re going to approach a woman who’s browsing the romance section in Borders, this particular piece of advice may not apply. But I’m sure you can figure that out for yourself.) The point remains: most men are afraid of ‘interrupting’ a woman, no matter what’s she’s doing. If she’s with a group of friends, they don’t want to interrupt the conversation (or take on more than one woman at once.) If she’s browsing the magazines, he doesn’t want to interrupt her ‘reading time’. If she’s walking her dog, he doesn’t want to interrupt in case she’s training or playing … or in case the dog doesn’t want to be interrupted. If she’s at an ATM, he doesn’t want to interrupt because she’s withdrawing cash and she might think he’s a bit weird for approaching in such a situation. (And as a matter of fact – she’d be right. I just put this last example in here to get your attention. Common sense is paramount, gentlemen: don’t approach women when personal banking is involved or large sums of money are changing hands, as everyone tends to get a bit jumpy in these situations.)
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But the fact of the matter is, if you wait until the ‘right time’ to make your move, you are going to SERIOUSLY limit your options, and you’re going to spend a lot of time waiting around with your knuckles dragging. Instead of allowing the situation to wield power over you, why not do the smart thing, ‘man up’ a bit, and just INTERRUPT her? This is an incredibly simple thing to do, and most women are quite OK with being interrupted (and in fact, most of them are well used to it.) So as long as you do it WELL, you’re not hesitant or apologetic, you have an attitude of strength and character, and you’re not wishy-washy, she’s most likely going to greet your words with an open mind. Of course, it has to be said that sooner or later you’re going to run into the girl who just got fired from her job and doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now. But these things happen, so when it happens, don’t stress out – just walk away, remember that it’s NOT A BIG DEAL, and go talk to someone else. Simple. Oh, and one other thing, while we’re on the subject of social interruptions … a few practical pointers. 1. Know that the first approach of the night (or day) is ALWAYS the hardest. Expect adrenaline, and expect it to feel weird. That’s OK; it’s NORMAL. The first approach is always the hardest, so treat it like a throwaway: don’t expect anything from it. The main reason for doing the first approach, in fact, is to remind yourself that nothing overtly bad is going to happen to you. Get in, say something, and if it’s not working after a couple minutes, get out (although give it a chance. 20 seconds is not a chance. Take a breath, lean back, and see if a conversation is about to be born.) 2. Make sure you have something to SAY.
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Ask her a question about what she’s doing, have a comment or an opinion. For example, if she’s choosing a chocolate bar at the supermarket, say something like, ‘Ooooh, you don’t want to go near those ones. Biting into one of those is like chewing on a brick of sugar doused in cocoa powder.’ Or ask her a question: ‘I’ve been standing here for five full minutes now and I’m STILL totally stumped. Can you give me a pointer? I need something mellow but with a nice kick to it.’ Obviously, these are just examples – I’m sure you have much better ones that you can think of when it comes time – but the point is that you are actually saying something. You’re not just walking up to her and going, ‘Hey, what’s your name, I’m Jonathan, it’s nice to meet you, how was your day today, what do you do for a living, oh you’re a student, what are you studying, do you like it, when do you graduate, blah blah blah blah.' 3. Introduce a time constraint. These can absolutely be false, by the way. The idea is to make it clear to her that you are not going to just hover over her for the next 20 minutes until she has to figure out a way to get rid of you. For example, you can say something like, ‘Hey, just before I go …’ and then launch into your question or comment. It’s always a good idea to say something like, ‘I have to go meet my friends in a minute, but …’ because this does two things: it tells her that you’re only going to be around for a moment (so no creepy hovering is likely to be on the cards), and it also lets her know that you have a life. You have some friends. You’re not just some weird guy living in a vacuum trying to pick up on strange women out of desperation. And furthermore, you also have a life in which things are happening: you’re going to meet those friends. These are small things when remarked upon so casually, but it is reassuring to a woman to get a glimpse, no matter how small, of what kind of a life you’re leading and what kind of guy you are. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Obviously, it’s not going to make or break her opinion of you, but in the first few seconds of conversation, you want to give yourself as many boosts as possible. 4. If she’s in a group, that’s OK. Walk up to the group. This is a big step if you’re not entirely comfortable with talking to strange women yet, and that’s OK. If you don’t feel quite ready for it yet, then there’s no need to force yourself to do so. If, however, you really want to meet someone, or you feel ready to move on from one-onone situations, then here’s what you have to do: you have to approach the group. Don’t do what most guys do and wait til she has to go to the bar or the lunch counter or whatever. Approach the group. And when you do, don’t do what 99.9% of guys do who manage to get up the nerve to approach a group: don’t single her out. Talk to everyone. Doing so will achieve two things: first, you won’t be obviously going after a particular woman (which makes things uncomfortable for everyone, especially her, since her friends are watching; and it can make her friends feel alienated and resentful, which can make things difficult for you.) Secondly, it will also endear you to her friends, which is never a bad thing; and, it will prove to her that you’re a valuable kinda guy to have around, since, after all, you have something to offer the group, you’re not making things uncomfortable for everyone, and you’re not making things uncomfortable for her. Some dating coaches advise that, in a group situation, you should actually take it one step further and make jokes about the ‘target’ with her friends: ‘How do you stand her, she’s such a loudmouth, she’s out of control, isn’t she embarrassing you,’ etc. This can actually be very effective; but I recommend that you do not attempt to do this for yourself. There are a couple of reasons for this: firstly, because this is quite a delicate maneuver and most guys just can’t get it right by themselves (i.e. they need a ‘tutor’ waiting in the wings who can show them where they’re going wrong) … All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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… and secondly, because what with the advent of the ‘seduction community’ – and especially its use of the Internet to spread information quickly - there are a lot of guys out there trying this technique now, and you actually run a moderate risk of the girl recognizing the technique and I.D’ing you as a ‘pickup artist’. That’s not going to help your chances, and it will make you seem unoriginal and deeply lame. So my recommendation is to steer away from anything that’s too widespread in usage. (And you can consider this recommendation as ‘double strength’ if you live in a major metropolitan area, or anywhere with an active ‘seduction community’ lair.)
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Create Attraction Through Radical Honesty OK. We all know by now that women are attracted to men. In case you’re not quite clear on what this means, I’ll give you a quick breakdown. Women like MEN because the definition of a MAN is someone who is in control, who can handle ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ is), who she feels safe around, who offers her stability, and who is STRONG … … in the sense that he has STRENGTH of personality and character (he doesn’t apologize for who he is, he doesn’t pretend to be someone he’s not, and he doesn’t ask her – or anyone – for validation or approval of that.) A few other things that demonstrate strength of personality and character are: - Proving to her that you can protect her both physically and emotionally/ psychologically. No need for actually fighting other guys here – one or two casual references to the fact that it’s important to you to make sure the people you’re with are ‘well taken care of’ or something like that is plenty. (And don’t OVERDO it.) - Proving to her, when the opportunity arises, that she is SAFE with you, that you’ve got her back, and you’re not afraid to act when it’s right to do so. I saw an excellent example of this just last week when I was out playing pool with a couple buddies. Everyone was leaving, because the bar was closing up, but this girl had not been feeling well and was about to leave with the rest of us; but she wanted a glass of water before she left on her long drive home. The bar guy rudely refused to provide it for her, saying the bar was closed and he ‘couldn’t do that, sorry.’ The guy she was with thought differently, so he stepped up to the plate and made it clear to the guy – quietly and politely, but with STRENGTH – that this kind of behavior was simply not acceptable. The bar guy ended up handing over the water and everyone left happy – not least, the girl, who not only got her drink before she left, but also had proof that she was with a standAll Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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up guy with a STRONG CHARACTER and a good sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ … and who wasn’t AFRAID to step in when necessary. The point is, of course, that if you really want to attract top-notch women, you need to ‘man up’ and actually demonstrate some strength of personality and some CHARACTER. And here’s how this relates to conversing with women. If you’re with a woman and she’s acting out of line – maybe she’s said something rude to you, or she’s acting bitchy or stuck-up – it is absolutely REQUIRED for you to comment on this. You have to demonstrate some STRENGTH here, and prove that you’re man enough to call her out on bad behavior. This also proves to her that you’re completely the opposite of desperate: you’re not willing to ‘put up with anything if you can only hang out with her’ (like so many other guys are). This hints at the fact that you lead a life rich with options (or else you likely wouldn’t be so quick to ‘risk it all’ by calling her out) … … and it also proves that you don’t need her validation or approval in order to be happy and fulfilled – that you are an internally referenced man. A lot of women will deliberately act catty or bitchy in front of guys to see how they’ll react. If the guy smiles weakly and pretends it’s not happening, the woman then knows that she’s dealing with a low-grade guy who’s not going to be strong enough to take care of himself, his life, OR her – and that most likely he’s willing to compromise his principles and his own personality in order to stay in her good books. Ironically, it’s this very behavior that kicks him directly out of her good books, because this kind of puling, whining supplication is just flat-out weird and will most likely creep her out. Let’s face it. If she’s acting out of line, she knows she’s doing it. You know she’s doing it. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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So if you don’t call her out on it, it’s actually a lot more awkward for everyone concerned than if you’d just been calm but strong and put her in her place, with a minimum of emotion. Here’s how to do it. If a woman’s acting out of line or offending you, especially if it’s quite blatant and/or in front of other people, you must consider the fact that she may be testing you to see how you’ll respond. (This is actually a good sign. If she wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t even bother testing you in the first place; she’d just walk off.) And regardless of whether she’s testing you or not, let’s not forget that truly experiencing consistent, lifelong success with women is about being that superior-quality guy. So you’ll want to pull her into place anyway. Here’s the deal: all you have to do is feed her behavior back to her. There’s no need to admonish her, suggest an alternate course of behavior, or tell her how her behavior is making you feel. Just feed it back to her as if you’re a commentator. So, if she’s acting rude, all you have to do is say, ‘You know what? That was a really rude thing to say. I think you must be a very rude woman.’ … and then stop talking. Don’t say anything else. Just pause. The longer the pause goes on, the more pressure there is on her to do something; and usually, either one of two things will happen: - She’ll back down, and apologize - She’ll get angry and a short, sharp conflict will arise Either way, things are likely to come to a head pretty quickly. And this is a good thing, because it gives you a taste of what kind of woman she is. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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If she’s a sweetheart, she’ll apologize. At the very least, she’ll want to know more – ‘What do you mean?’ etc. (In which case you say, ‘What do you mean, what do I mean?’ and then stop talking again.) And if she’s a rude or bratty woman through and through, she’ll either get defensive and blow up, or she’ll get angry and blow up. Either way, you are simply figuring out ahead of time what this woman’s true colors really are, so you have lost nothing. One other thing … let’s say the ‘worst case scenario’ happens and she gets mad, tells you to get lost, and walks away. Don’t do ANYTHING. Let her walk away. Don’t even say anything: no sarcastic comments, no ‘good riddance’, and definitely no backpedaling or last-minute apologizing or requests to ‘come back and calm down’. She’s making a last-minute bid for power, and if you cave now, trust me when I say she’s going to end up losing interest in you. Why? Because you’re handing the power over to her. You’re taking all the fun out of the natural give-and-take and UN-MANNING yourself. If you say nothing and just chuckle quietly to yourself and let her go, you should know that there’s a good chance that she’ll actually come back to you later on and be more attracted to you than ever. Women love a challenge. And by demonstrating that you’re a strong guy, who doesn’t need her validation or approval, and who’s OK with sticking up for himself and calmly and firmly stating what he thinks, you are becoming a MASSIVE challenge to her. If she’s particularly attractive, then you get double bonus points, because most guys will ‘cave’ around a really hot woman and give her special treatment in case she walks. By NOT doing that, you are proving that you are unlike any other guy and that you are realdeal high quality. So: don’t be afraid or freaked out if she’s rude, bitchy, catty, or sulky. Just feed it back to her, and then stop talking. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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So What Do You Actually Say? OK, so pickup lines are dead … canned material is helpful, but somewhat limiting if overdone … so what are you meant to say? First of all: if you want to figure out your own ‘canned material’, that’s cool. If you can figure out something interesting to say that gets a good reaction from most women – which is all a good canned line is – then by all means use it. However, I would caution you against relying on canned material – yes, even your own stuff – because it can tend to atrophy the part of your brain that’s actually able to think on its own feet and come up with random, spontaneous, unusual things to say that are relevant to the present circumstances. What I’m saying is: never underestimate the power of your environment to supply you with things to talk about. So if you approach a woman as she’s standing in your gym looking at the list of group classes to take, it’s natural for you to make a comment about what she’s doing right now. You can ask her which one she likes the best, why she likes it, or make a comment about a class that you’ve been to. And before you know it, the conversation will be flowing on its own – all without the need for any memorized lines. Of course, this is something that can be improved a great deal, but for now, just think about whether this seems like something you could do. Can you walk up to a woman and make an open-ended remark about something that’s going on right now around the two of you? If your answer is ‘yes’ – and I certainly hope it is – then you’ve just unlocked the door to a never-ending well of conversational material. The ability to be present in the here-and-now and really get interested in what she’s doing and what that says about her is going to go a long way towards making sure that you never run out of things to say – and that everything you do say is deeply relevant to her. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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HOW TO IMPROVE ANY CONVERSATIONAL GAMBIT WITH A WOMAN It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that women are into feelings, right? Think about it. Women like to spend their time doing things that are based on emotions – reading books, watching movies that are heavily reliant upon character development (romantic comedies, for example), reading magazines about other women and their lives, and having conversations with their friends about what happened recently and how they feel about it. Feelings interest women. Now it’s up to you to capitalize on this fact. When you’re talking to a woman, the best thing you can do in terms of ‘being interesting’ is to inject some feeling into it. Don’t be that guy who talks about his job, his house, his car, and what she’s been up to today. That’s boring. Get interested in being interesting. Here’s how to do it. First off: make a point of using feelings-based words. The more intense the feeling it connotes, the better. For example, if you start talking to a woman as she’s choosing a DVD at the movie store, it’s much more effective to say, ‘Wow, that’s a great movie. It got great reviews and when I saw it, it totally rocked’ than it is to say, ‘That movie’s good. I saw it not long ago and liked it. I hear it did well with the critics, too.’ See the difference? It’s subtle, but it’s there. One of those sentences sounds like the beginning to a conversation that could be interesting. The other one sounds like something you might not be bothered answering. The difference? It’s in the use of emotional words like ‘great’, ‘wow’, ‘totally rocked’. Extra credit to anyone who manages to use the word ‘love’ in a sentence to a woman – as in, ‘Wow, I loved that movie! I definitely have to say, it’s in my top-3 list of Movies That Changed My Life’.
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The word ‘love’ has extra-super-bonus potential for pricking up a woman’s ears, because it’s heavily loaded with emotional potential. No, this doesn’t mean she’s ‘looking for love’ – it just means that you come off sounding like an enthusiastic guy with something meaningful to say. Secondly: try to allow her to get a glimpse of what kind of guy you are, and what kind of life you’re leading, with the first things that you say to her. Let’s stick with the movie-store example for now, and let’s say she’s looking at the ‘horror’ section. You amble on over and start browsing a few feet away from her, and after a couple moments you say something like, ‘Man, this movie instilled a whole new respect for zombies in me. Up until I saw this one I was one of those guys who equates zombie movies with dudes who have totally necrotic imaginations, but after seeing this, me and my friends experienced a new enthusiasm for this whole genre of movies.’ Pause for a beat. Then ask her a question, so she doesn’t feel pressured to start ‘carrying’ the conversation for you: e.g., ‘When was the last time you had to literally remind yourself that it’s ‘only acting’ so you wouldn’t get too scared during a movie? For me, it was this one right here, hands-down, 3 weeks ago.’ See where I’m going with this? This is all interesting stuff. It’s relevant to what’s happening around her. And it gives her an idea of what kind of guy you are: someone who likes to watch movies fairly regularly; someone who has opinions about things; someone who has friends; someone who knows words like ‘necrotic’; and so on. Can you see how much more effective this is than just walking up to a woman and drilling her with restrictive, boring questions about where she’s from and what her job is like? When you inject some feeling into a statement, you make it that much more likely that she is going to get interested in you and what you have to say.
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WHAT DO YOU SAY NEXT? Excellent. So you’ve approached a woman, said something to her that’s based on your shared surrounds, you’ve injected some emotion, and you’ve asked her a question which she has responded to. Now what? Simple. First of all: get out of your head. If you’re busy thinking about what you’re going to say next and how that might seem to her, you’re literally setting yourself up for failure because you’re not going to be able to respond appropriately to what she’s just said to you. You’ll end up saying something conventional and unoriginal, or a canned line that doesn’t quite gel with the opener, and she’ll realize something’s ‘off’ – and she’ll also realize that you haven’t been paying attention to her. So: pay attention to your environment. If you’re worried about ‘what to say next’ once she’s responded to your opening statement, try this on for size: the best thing you can possibly do to equip yourself with ‘ammo’ for when your turn comes up is simply to listen to what she’s saying. Pay attention to her. Pay attention to what she’s saying and how she’s saying it. Look out for any ROOT WORDS that are based in emotion or another strong subtext. For example, if she’d responded to your earlier question about scary movies with something like this: ‘Ugh. To be honest with you, I actually really hate scary movies. I’m actually only in this section because my friend’s sick and she wanted me to get something for her to watch, and she loves scary movies.’ Where do you go from here? Well, a lot of men would seize on the obvious and ask about her sick friend, thinking that this will make them seem ‘nice’ and caring. … except that, when you think about it, it becomes clear that, actually, you do not want All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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to do that. It’s a dead end – once she’s told you what’s wrong with her friend, where are you supposed to go from there? Your only options are more morbid stuff related to ill health, and frankly, that’s not something you should be talking about with a woman. (Never talk about anything related to sickness with women. Health is sexy and connotes STRENGTH, which is – you guessed it – an integral part of being a MAN. Don’t get bogged down in this and lie about what’s wrong if you’ve got a toothache, but don’t dwell on it either. Talking about sickness, or diseases that you’ve had, will turn her OFF you.) So then … how are you meant to know what to do next? Look out for the ROOT WORDS. These are the words that have emotion attached to them. The root words in what she said were honest, hate, and only. How are you meant to know which the root words are? You’ll know, because they all tell you something about what she’s FEELING, and/or what she’s like as a person. The possibilities for conversation on these subjects are literally endless. So, you could decide to focus on the root word ‘honest’, and say something like, ‘Wow, you hate scary movies? Big ups to you for even venturing in this part of the store then, the covers are enough to give any horror novices the heebie-jeebies.’ And then ask a question, so she doesn’t feel pressured to carry the conversation for you: ‘But why do you hate scary movies?’ Or, you could focus on the root word honest, and say, ‘Hmm, honesty. That’s unusual in these parts. I’ve gotta say, being honest with someone you’ve just met about how you hate the very movies that they’ve professed undying love for is pretty unusual.’ And then introduce a hint of flirtation: ‘I like that in a woman.’
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And then ask a question: ‘So what kinds of movies float your boat?’ And then make a perceptive statement about her: ‘Going on our acquaintance so far, I’d say you’re the kind of person who enjoys really niche-type movies … like Australian arthouse, or British comedy … but I could be wrong.’ SIDE NOTE: If you want to pique a woman’s interest, don’t ask her questions, just make statements about conclusions you’ve drawn about her. These conclusions are even better if they’re not serious: make them seem jokey and personal, like the example above (‘you seem like the kind of woman who…’ and she’ll be intrigued. She may ask you, ‘Why, what makes you say that?’, to which you should say something evasive: ‘I can just tell from looking at you that you’re one of those high-brow-type women. I bet you tutor Philosophy students in your spare time, too. And you probably have a private library at home that’s packed with books bound in nothing but leather.’ The further you take the joke, the funnier and more outrageous it gets, and the flirtier the atmosphere becomes. (TIP: It’s best if you say this with a cheeky grin, or a completely deadpan expression. The latter is slightly more ‘risky’, because some women won’t know what to make of you – but you’ll also make a bigger impression on the ones who are OK with kidding around like that.) Making ‘observational statements’ about a woman like that is a very flirty thing to do. The unspoken implication, of course, is that you’ve been paying enough attention to her to draw a conclusion in the first place, and that you’re the kind of guy who’s got a strong enough personality to kid around with strangers … … and, it proves to her that you’re a perceptive, analytical kind of guy who’s been paying attention to her. Bull’s eye. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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But I digress … Back to the root words: you could also focus on the word ‘only’, and say something like, ‘You only came down here to get a movie for your friend? You mean you don’t even like watching movies? You know, I’ve heard about people like you, but I never realized they actually existed. How do you fill the gaping void in your life where movie-watching would otherwise be?’ Responses of this sort balance you out nicely in her eyes. They prove that you are a perceptive guy who’s able to recognize and comment on things about her that she’s only made a passing reference to. They also prove that you were actually listening to her, rather than thinking about what to say next or checking her out. And they also tell her a few more things about what kind of guy you are, and let her fill in the blanks a little bit. Looking out for root words, and using them to keep the conversation going, will ensure that you always have something to say next, and that you will never get caught in a dead-end conversation that has nowhere to go. And the best part is, it requires very little forethought other than something to initiate a conversation with. If she responds, she will usually say something that you can use. BUT WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING INTERESTING? If she doesn’t say anything that you can easily riff off of, it’s likely that her response was either something very lukewarm and curt, or simply a wordless grunt. In either case, you don’t have to feel any pressure to ‘make the conversation work’. If she’s not in the mood to be pleasant or interesting, you don’t have to take it upon yourself to make something out of that.
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Unless there’s something that really interests you about this particular woman, in which case you can keep trying (I’ll tell you how in a second), you can end the conversation then and there by either: a) not saying anything in reply and walking away, or b) saying, ‘OK, well, nice talking to you. Catch you around’, and walking away. If you want to keep trying on this particular woman, that’s OK. You can do that. But you should be aware that there’s a chance that she might continue to not respond. (If that happens, that’s OK too. Remember that there are plenty of women out there, and that many of them will meet your criteria. There is no need to stress or fixate on the outcome. Remember the abundance mentality and go talk to someone else.) If she’s not responding very well and you’re at a total loss for words, it’s easy to get her attention and bring the conversation to a whole new level of authenticity. This is something that can really disarm a woman, and can end up in a very frank discussion with a good potential for further development. On the other hand, it can also result in her thinking you’re a creep and giving you the hairy eyeball, so be warned. All you have to do is … feed the behavior back to her. Just like what you do when a woman is being rude or bitchy, simply say something like, ‘Hmm, you seem kind of uncommunicative.’ And then just wait. This can result in her opening up and saying something like, ‘Yeah – actually, I’ve just had a really hard day and I’m feeling a little brain-dead’, in which case you get instant access to almost unlimited numbers of root words for you to play with … … and you get the added bonus of proving to her that you’re a MAN who is OK with All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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taking risks and who doesn’t try to tiptoe around in order to get approval with someone. This is why this technique can actually result in the attraction process speeding right up – you’ve upped the ante and have ‘cut through the crap’ by remarking on something pointblank that most other guys would pretend wasn’t happening. On the other hand, it can also result in her saying something like, ‘Are you kidding me? I’m looking at movies here, not taking part in a speed-dating event,’ and walking away. So please, just be aware that this is also possible, and don’t take it personally. Which serves as a nice little segue into the next chapter …
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HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION
Once you start getting out of your head and actually approaching women, you’re going to figure out pretty quickly that it’s really not as hard as it looks. Most women are pretty friendly, and even if you don’t end up with a back’n’forth flirting session or a phone number, you can still have a nice little chat together. But every now and then, you are going to run into a woman who’s just not friendly. The first time this happens – and, often, the second, third, fourth, etc – a lot of guys end up feeling pretty freaked out. They get worried. They get anxious. And then they start doubleguessing themselves and taking the blame: ‘What did I do wrong? Did I go too far? Did I piss her off? Maybe I should try a new approach. Maybe I should stop for awhile.’ … and so on. Here’s the best way to handle it. Don’t change what you’re doing. Unless you’re getting consistent negative responses from most of the women that you’re approaching – I’m talking 80% plus shooting you down – then it’s not you. It’s them. Seriously. Sometimes, you are just going to try and talk to someone who’s not in the mood to talk … to anyone. This happens. Don’t take it personally. Don’t attach. Here’s a fact for you: your attitude matters here. How you deal with ‘rejection’ is important. The Buddha says: ‘With our thoughts, we make the world.’ Your attitude is important. If you get all screwed up when someone doesn’t respond to your friendly conversation, or a woman doesn’t laugh at your joke, or if she takes a bitchy pleasure in making you feel like an idiot, you’re expending energy uselessly and are actually compounding the issue.
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Try this: making progress with women isn’t about succeeding or failing. It’s about making progress. Chasing the state of perfection is the killer here: most guys are cruelly perfectionist in their approach to, well, approaching women. They want to be great. They want to be perfect. They’re afraid not to be great. They don’t realize that it’s a PROCESS. Here’s an interesting fact for you (and a pretty empowering viewpoint to have): becoming great with women is work. It requires mental and physical sweat, focus, and creativity. You expend energy, mentally and physically, on your job, your body, and everything else you’re passionate about; becoming great with women requires the same level of intensity. Setbacks are inevitable; your ability to succeed depends on your ability to regroup, and not get put off entirely when something doesn’t go to plan. Count on setbacks. Instead of expecting everything to go perfectly, or trying to get everything to go perfectly, actually expect obstacles. When they happen, accept that you must be ‘like water’ and flow around them. Most guys don’t do this. They hope for things to go great. They don’t count on obstacles, and so they figure that, when things do go ‘wrong’ – as they inevitably do – they, themselves, must have ‘screwed up’ somehow. The result is that they end up punishing themselves and agonizing over it when something doesn’t end up how they wanted it to, and they get set back in their self-confidence, their approach style, and – inevitably – the results they enjoy with the next couple of women they talk to. You are learning from everything that happens here. Every woman you talk to is contributing to your learning curve. So if you run into the woman whose goldfish just died, take a chill pill and take a mental and emotional step back. This is not optional. If you are going to make progress, your keys are consistency and an expectation of obstacles. Plan for them. Learn to regroup. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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If you’re talking to a woman and it doesn’t go how you’d expected – even if you end up feeling like a fool - that’s OK. Take a step back. It’s not the end of the world. Accept that it happened, accept that you don’t need to care that much about it, and regroup. Remember the abundance mentality. It’s not a big deal. There are lots more women out there; some of those women are going to experience attraction towards you, and some will not. And many of those women will meet your personal criteria of ‘great women’. So whatever happens, don’t take it personally. My best suggestion is this: use each experience as a learning process. After it happens, spend some time thinking about it. Recreate the situation in your head. If it went well, think about what went well and why it did. If it didn’t go so great, think about that, too. Spend time thinking about how you could have acted differently. Make no mistake: this ‘thinking time’ is extremely useful. You’re mapping out the territory of your brain, and are preparing – at times, on a subconscious level – for the next time you meet and talk to another woman. BUT – no negativity, please. No beating yourself up or agonizing over what you did wrong. Focus instead on how you’ll react next time – rework the situation in your head, think of better ‘lines’ to say, and imagine what you’d do if you had the chance to relive the situation. Doing this is actually a very powerful tool for strengthening your abilities in this area. When you spend time ‘reworking the situation’ and mentally ‘practicing’, this gives you more material to riff off the next time a similar situation comes up. Furthermore, by doing so, you’re literally retraining your brain. Rethinking the situation, in a positive and creative way, literally creates new neural pathways in your brain. Why? Because the brain cannot distinguish between that which is real, and that which is vividly imagined. So, when you spend time daydreaming and imagining new openers and responses, this is not a waste of time. Far from it. What’s happening is that you are shortening your reaction times , and increasing your creativity, literally each time you do it. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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GETTING HER INFORMATION OK. So you’ve been talking for awhile – anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour. And now it’s time to ramp it up a little bit. Maybe she needs to get going; maybe you feel that the conversation’s reached its high point and you want to flesh things out a bit more. Let’s deal with what to do next. First of all, know this: if you’ve done your homework and have been talking to her about relevant things related to her and the environment, if you’ve been giving her glimpses of what kind of guy you are through your conversation, if you’ve been injecting emotion and feeling into the talk, and if you’ve been paying attention to her root words, then this should be pretty easy. Here’s what you do. ‘Hey, this has been great talking to you, but I’ve gotta get going/I’ve gotta go meet my friends now/I’ve gotta go feed my dog. But we should continue this conversation some other time. Let’s hang out later on this week.’ See? Easy. No fumbling requests for her phone number; just a simple statement of fact. It comes across even more natural because you didn’t turn a declarative into a question; you simply said ‘we should hang out’ (as opposed to, ‘want to hang out sometime?’) Easy. Compelling. No stress. The onus is not on her; all she has to do is go along with your leadership (which is what most women are ‘programmed’ to do once you’ve built a good vibe.) She might say, ‘OK, that sounds good.’ In which case, it’s natural for you to bring out a pen and some paper and say, ‘Cool, when are you free? I’ll call you/text you (whichever you’re comfortable with).’ Again, no need to ask for her number; just giving her the pen and paper, given the context, is enough. (Some women are more comfortable with email, so you can also say, ‘Do you have email? Cool, write it down for me too.’ If you’re not confident enough with the phone yet, that’s All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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cool, because you now have an easy way around this.) But what if she balks? What if she’s unsure or says, ‘Well …’? That’s OK too. She’s still interested, or she’d make an excuse on the spot. The trick is to not pin her down. Don’t give her anything ‘concrete’ or detailed; a vague suggestion is best. So you can say something like, ‘We should hang out sometime and have a couple drinks, this conversation’s been fun.’ Simple. Non-threatening. Nothing too ‘heavy’ or personal. And nothing that she’ll feel instinctively compelled to say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t’. The less detail you give her, the less ‘threatened’ she will feel, and the more natural it will be for her to go along with it. So how are you meant to know ‘when is a good time to close’? It’s easy. There’s really no way to go wrong. If the conversation’s been going well and she seems comfortable, that’s the sign to go ahead. Likewise, if she has to end the conversation for some reason – she has to go to work, or her parking’s about to expire, or whatever – that can also be your cue to say, ‘You know, you seem really cool. I think we should hang out sometime if we’re both available later this week. Why don’t you give me your email and we can figure something out.’ The more casual and confident you are – hence the ‘statement of intent’ approach rather than asking permission or asking for agreement – the more comfortable she will be with you. This all boils down to the simple truth about MASCULINITY: the fact that she is looking for you to LEAD. By being slightly vague, but confident and low-key, it’s really impossible to go wrong. You are acting as if everything’s cool, which makes it easy for her to do the same. This can feel unnatural to guys, especially if they’re used to putting women on pedestals and saying terrible things like, ‘You know, you’re really pretty. If you don’t have a boyfriend already, can I take you out sometime?’ … so it’s a good idea if you put a mirror someplace private (preferably with a door that will shut) and practice nailing your posture and tone of voice as you do this. Practice making statements rather than asking questions.
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Here are a few things to practice saying (and to get your imagination rolling): - You know, I’ve really enjoyed this conversation. We should meet up later in the week if we’re both free, I know this really cool bar that does the best mojitos I’ve ever tasted. (Insert favorite drink as appropriate.) - You seem like a pretty cool person. Why don’t you give me your details and we can meet up later this week. - Well, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, but I’ve gotta go – do you have email? Cool, write it down for me. - You know, this has been fun. Why don’t you write your information down for me and we can go grab a bite to eat sometime this week. When she gives you her information, just say, ‘Cool, when’s good for you?’ … and when she tells you – let’s say she says, ‘I’m free Friday’ – respond with, ‘Cool, I’ll call you sometime before Friday then. See you later.’ And leave. Easy. If she’s given you her email address but no phone number, repeat the question about ‘Cool, when’s good for you?’ and then say, ‘Sweet, well, I’ll flick you an email before then and we can figure out the details later. See ya.’ … and go. Simple. A QUICK NOTE A lot of guys get really freaked out by the ‘getting her contact information’ thing. They read a lot into it. It becomes a big ‘step-up’ in their minds – something they have to amp themselves up for. They’re notching it up when they ‘make their move’ and ‘go in for the All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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kill’. Hey. This isn’t a big deal. There is no ‘notching it up’ or ‘making your move’. If you’re been focusing on the moment, paying attention to her, teasing her and making her comfortable, there is no ‘big move’. It’s just a natural progression from one moment to the next, and many times it will actually be a foregone conclusion that you’re going to be getting her details. So don’t worry about ‘when you’re going to ask’ – focus instead on creating an atmosphere where it’s tacitly taken for granted that you’ll be meeting up later on … and there won’t be any big ‘effort’ involved.
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WHAT TO DO WITH HER INFORMATION This is the age of the cellphone. It is likely that she’s given you a cell number. If she has, great. Flick her a text straight away: make it jokey and low-key. Same goes for email. It’s a less personal medium than actually talking, so keep things easy and light – and brief. The purpose of any ‘in-between’ contact, whether email, phone, text, or otherwise, is not to get to know her better – that’s better done face to face, when you meet up next. Instead, just say something like, ‘Hey, looking forward to continuing our conversation on _____. Let me know what time is good for you.’ And then, if this is an email – not a text – say something like, ‘Give me your number and I’ll give you a call.’ I suggest that you make a point of reestablishing contact soon after she gives it to you. Call her or text her the very next day. If you wait longer than that, it’s likely that she’ll have forgotten all the good feelings that you created in her, and she’ll have created a reason in her head to avoid taking the call or to cancel any plans you might have made. Something else: she will probably have forgotten most of her good feelings when you talk to her again. You will probably have to create rapport all over again. Don’t expect her to be ‘the same person’ she was when you said goodbye last time. Time has elapsed since you last spoke to her; she will have forgotten what was so great about you. Just exercise the same principles of focusing on her, asking questions and listening to what she says, and focusing on root words. Be chilled out and remember that it’s not a big deal. Every time you do this, you strengthen the habit and the skill; don’t expect the conversation to go perfectly. You will probably need to do a little rebuilding before you are back to where you were last time you saw her. Above all, remember your abundance mentality: this isn’t a big deal. There are plenty of options out there. This is a learning experience that gets easier every time you do it.
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In practical terms: keep things very short and light. Call her up, spend a little time chitchatting about what happened to her today, etc – pay attention to root words and expand the conversation easily this way – and remember that the purpose of your call is simply to reiterate the plans that you’ve already made last time you spoke. So, you can say something like, ‘Cool, well, I’d better get going. Looking forward to meeting up with you tomorrow. What time is good for you?’ If she needs to change time or date, that’s cool. Go with it. Repeat this procedure until you’ve settled on a time that’s good for both of you. And then say, ‘Sweet, looking forward to it. I’ll see you at ___ o’clock tomorrow (or whenever) then. See you.’ And hang up. Easy. Just a couple minutes is enough – two minutes, literally, can be sufficient here (although expect for something more like five) – and you’re done.
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Important Points to Remember from Section Three Canned material is OK to use as a SUPPLEMENT to your own social skills. Relying too heavily on memorized lines will hinder your progress. This is about learning how to go with the flow and adapt, not reciting ‘correct answers’ by rote. Pickup lines are DEAD for a reason. True alpha males don’t spend time worrying or talking about how alpha they are. Focus instead on bringing quality to any situation: be the catalyst for good times and laughter. Be VERY CAREFUL when exploring the ‘teasing/cocky’ route with a woman. Most guys just end up insulting her or being unintentionally rude. If you are going to try this, remember that the focus is on playfulness and good humor, not ‘negging’. Be irresistibly compelling to women by evoking FEELINGS in your conversations. Don’t just talk about weather, work, and ‘small talk’. It’s OK to be unusual. You are a man. Part of being a man is experiencing attraction towards particular women. Be OK with showing this attraction in the way you talk and act. Learn how to talk about interesting stuff. The best way to do this is by leading an interesting life that you are passionate about, and that involves hobbies other than ‘being great with women’. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Use humor. Don’t be the ‘clown’, but learn to make people laugh. If she deserves it, or if you feel like it, challenge her. Don’t be compliant; be the dominant one, instead. You will usually have to interrupt women to get their attention. This is normal. If you’re one of those guys who lurks around, hoping for a woman to detach from the group before ‘making your move’, your progress will move so slowly as to be imperceptible. When talking to a woman, have something to say that is not ‘conventional small talk’. Use time constraints. That way, she won’t worry that you’re going to hover over her, and she can open up and relax. Honesty is difficult, but is seen as STRONG and SEXY. Learn how to be radically honest with women as a way of demonstrating strength of character, dominance, and creating ATTRACTION. Get her attention. Be interesting to her by using feelings-based words, paying attention to your/her surrounds, and being very perceptive of her. Look for the root words that she uses. You don’t have to make it work.
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If a conversation isn’t panning out, that’s cool. Just say, ‘Well, nice talking to you,’ and move off. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make it work – remember your abundance mentality. It’s NO BIG DEAL. Daydream to retrain your brain. Count on setbacks and obstacles.
This is about progress, not perfection. Don’t get too attached to the outcome. When getting her information, act like it’s no big deal. When the time comes to get her information, be cool and offhand about it. Don’t ASK her for it; instead, use casual, declarative statements. If you’ve been doing your homework and creating the right atmosphere, it will be a natural, easy progression – and she will actually expect it of you. Only jack-asses ‘wait 3 days’. Reestablish contact soon after getting her info, and don’t expect the same level of rapport as you had the last time you spoke. You will probably need to rebuild at least a bit; that’s normal and to be expected. Keep all non-facetime contact with her brief. Use your face-to-face time to get to know her and create attraction; the phone is not a great medium for doing this. Texts and emails are OK, and can be a great way to flirt … but again, keep them brief and light.
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Section 4: Female Psychology ‘Was will das Weib?’ – Sigmund Freud Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, asked the million-dollar question, ‘What do women want?’ Despite a long and illustrious life spent churning the muck of the human psyche, he was still unable to answer that question to any satisfying degree, even on his deathbed. Today, men are still trying to answer that same question for themselves … with about the same degree of success. The problem that most guys have with figuring out how to please women is that they leave two important factors out of consideration: - Factor one. Women themselves do not know, consciously, what it is that they want. Therefore, no amount of questioning will induce them to elucidate further on the matter in a way that’s actually helpful to men, since they are literally unable to. What a woman thinks she wants, and the things that will actually attract her, are completely different. For example, a woman may think that she wants a ‘nice, dependable guy’ who will bring her 3 dozen roses and always call her at the end of the day; but, when she actually meets a guy like this, she’s not attracted to him … she’s bored by him. The things that women THINK they want are DIFFERENT to what will actually ATTRACT them. - Factor two. Women don’t want guys who need to be told. They don’t want to explain to you how to please them. They want you to already know. They want guys who ‘get it’.
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So even if you get a roomful of willing, helpful women, and ask them to explicitly state what it is that they desire and find attractive in men, they won’t be able to help you. They’ll just confuse you more. And unfortunately, asking a woman how you can please her is likely to turn her off you as a potential mate, even if you follow her advice to the letter. In the following section, we’re going to take a look at the ‘behind the scenes’ needs and desires of most women, with a view to being able to meet them spontaneously and in a way that sparks attraction and demonstrates your own, unusual quality.
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Women Want a MAN It’s my own personal perspective here that women and men are both alike and different. If that sounds to you like I’m trying to weasel out of making a definitive statement, allow me to explain. Women and men have different BODIES and different BRAINS. Put plainly, we are both ‘made’ very differently. Scientists and biologists know this. However, we tend to have very similar THOUGHTS and DESIRES. We like a challenge; we go for quality; we want to meet and attract people who can ‘do something for us’ (i.e. raise our own value.) We want someone who can care for us and make us feel good. We find the same things dismaying: neediness, incongruency in word and deed, etc. BUT: we tend to ARTICULATE these desires and dismays differently from each other. And in my opinion, this is why there is so much confusion between the genders. After all, most of our ‘issues’ about dating and attraction are NOT gender-specific; they’re HUMAN-specific. But we make things complicated for ourselves by expecting each other to articulate our (similar) thoughts and desires in the same LANGUAGE that we ourselves think and speak in. So: women are actually a lot more like you than you think they are. They just SEEM like they’re not, because the words they use and the way they EXPRESS THEMSELVES differs from the way YOU speak and express yourself. Make sense? Hmm – possibly not. That’s OK, I’ll give you an example. I’m going to make a generalization about gender right now, so anyone who prizes Political Correctness should probably block their ears and avert their eyes. Here goes: Men tend to like women who are Inherently Feminine. We like women who are ‘being All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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women’: they’re sexy, soft, vulnerable, appreciate being taken care of by us, and are basically everything that men are NOT. You know – all that good (non-PC) stuff. We look for partners who can COMPLEMENT US, not COPY US. Similarly, women tend to like men who are really MEN, in the traditional sense of the word: masculine, dominant, assertive MEN with strong personalities and definitive characters. They like men who can ‘take care of them’, ‘protect them’, and provide for them on an EMOTIONAL AND MATERIAL LEVEL. And – contrary to popular belief – the most important of these two aspects of provision is actually the emotional side of things. Women are far more attracted to a man who can make them feel something than they are to a man who can do stuff for them in the physical world. Of course, it’s nice to be able to do both; but it’s not necessary. If you’re neglecting the emotional side of things in favor of the material world, that’s when you’ll become just another ‘party-favor machine’: the guy she goes to when she wants something, when she needs a free meal or a ride somewhere. If, on the other hand, you’re providing for her emotionally but not materially, you’re far better off. The way I see it, there are 3 essential areas of ‘emotional care’: 1. Humor. For example, women tend to like men who are humorous, because this is a form of ‘taking care of her’ on an emotional level. If you are able to make a woman laugh, you’re providing for her emotionally and psychologically and demonstrating that you are able to do something for her to make her life better than it already is. (Laughing feels good … when you make her laugh, you make her feel good … therefore you are ‘providing’ for her.)
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On a practical note: ‘humor’ is more about making her laugh in a way that is appreciative of you, rather than laughing at you. So: more of the witticisms, less of the Klown Kollege. 2. Strength of personality. A major part of being a truly attractive male is having strength of personality. This all boils down to being able to make her feel safe around you, in a way that is much more potent than demonstrating an ability to beat up any dudes that look at her cross-eyed. When you demonstrate a consistent degree of authenticity between thought, word and deed, you will make her feel safe and taken care of in a way that is implicitly powerful and almost subliminal in its effectiveness. This basically means that you need to be OK just being who you are. You do not walk on eggshells trying to please her; you don’t apologize for yourself or your maleness; you simply act in a way that is congruent with who you really are. So if you find her attracted, you’re OK with this and you don’t try to hide it. If you don’t feel like talking, you don’t. If you feel something, your actions convey that feeling. And you do all this without apologizing for it or trying to pretend otherwise. You don’t try to hide the truth and you don’t try to cover it up; you’re simply cool with whatever’s happening in your head, and your actions show it in a way that’s relaxed and up-front. When you’re OK with being a man, and when your actions are congruent with your thoughts and feelings in this way, that’s her cue to relax and follow your lead. She can now be OK with herself, and she is able to be OK with who you are, because you’re being a man and you’re LEADING. 3. Authority (being in control.) Most women don’t want to feel as though they have to ‘carry you’. They want to feel like you’re in charge, you know what you want, and you are assertive and ‘just self-centered enough’ to get it. Plenty of guys do things like, approaching a woman and opening a conversation … then looking to her for ‘permission’ All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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to follow through. Or they look for signs of attraction from her before showing any themselves. This is both disgusting and boring in equal measures for most women (especially the ones who are used to men being nervous in their presence.) Part of being in control is being able to give yourself permission to do things rather than looking externally for that permission. If you want to talk to a woman, you just go and do it – and you don’t look for approval from her when you do. You want to talk; therefore, that’s what you do. You assume control of the situation, set the conversational tone, and say daring things if that’s what you feel like doing; thus, she never feels like you’re shirking responsibility or looking to her for authority, so she’s free to relax and let you lead. The quickest way to get a woman to relax around you is to be relaxed yourself. This is because most women unconsciously take their cues from you – especially if they’re attracted to you. So: be decisive. Take charge and be OK with it. Don’t ask for approval or permission. Be a bit more cavalier about getting your own way. And stay in control. For example, if a woman becomes upset and starts crying, don’t let that freak you out – by allowing her behavior to freak you out, you have now lost control. This will make her feel worse. Instead, don’t get rattled. Remember that your reaction will set the tone. By keeping things on an even keel and remaining calm, she will soon calm down, too. This is what I mean by setting the tone: if you lead, but don’t make a big issue out of it, sooner or later, she will follow – and she will like it. 4. Bonding. Learn how to BOND with a woman, and actively create rapport with her.
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‘Rapport’ just means that the two of you have a connection, and that you enjoy spending time with each other. It’s not hard to do; but MOST GUYS either don’t bother to do it, or have no idea how. So they remain drooling from a distance. ‘Storytelling’ is a great way to bond with a woman. It often creates a kind of rapid-fire ‘tennis-match’ effect, where one of you tells a story, then the other one does, then the first one’s reminded of something and tells another story … it’s a very effective way of creating a personal and deeply interesting conversation that builds and builds on that CONNECTION. Bonding is also exacerbated by feelings of consideration and support. She needs to know that, if you do enter her world, you’re not going to cause her any difficulty or strife – and, in fact, you’re actually going to BRING SOMETHING to it. Furthermore, she doesn’t want the hassle of hooking up with somebody who’s going to make her look bad in front of her friends. A great way to prove that you are NOT one of those guys is to make a special effort to get on with her friends. Don’t be cheesy about it – no need to buy a round of drinks or fawn over them – but don’t make the classic mistake of paying too much attention to your ‘target’, and not enough attention to her friends. They will feel left out, may get jealous, and almost certainly will not like you. And that’s when they drag her away and drip poison in her ear about you. Make her friends feel special and that you are interested in them. They will like you; and she will like you more. Easy. Another point: pay attention to your energy levels and make sure that you are being FUN and ENERGETIC at ALL TIMES. Don’t get all bogged down in telling gloomy stories or trying to curry sympathy; you will just drag people down and you will NOT seem like a great, fun guy to be with. Think about the image you’re portraying of yourself: you want that image to be upbeat and positive. Make sure the things you talk about reflect that.
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A QUICK NOTE ON AGGRESSION: Please note. None of what ‘being a man’ is about involves being aggressive or arrogant. It is simply about having the personal strength and confidence to look to yourself for approval first. It is about not needing the go-ahead from others before acting. It’s about kissing a woman without asking her permission first. It’s about being what you are, and demonstrating total honesty and congruence in thought and deed. An aggressive man will try to force the situation and get nowhere; a STRONG man is confident enough to let the situation ripen in its own time, and knows that she will ‘feel it’ if he just steps back and allows her to do so.
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Romance Most guys tend to think of romance as being something that you do. For example, they’ll treat a woman in a certain way that is quite formal and ‘overly respectful’ when they first meet her – not making any real flirtations, not joking about sexrelated stuff, not giving her cool compliments – basically, they’ll refrain from acting in a way that sets the scene for attraction. (NOTE: This is often because they don’t want to ‘screw it up’. They’re scared to be authentic and show her how they really feel, because they’re afraid that she will be offended and then they’ll have to start all over again with someone else. You already know from the previous chapter how most women will feel about this kind of motivation.) And then, they’ll show up at her place with two dozen roses in their hand … with a hired limo … and announce that they’re taking her out to dinner in an exclusive restaurant's VIP room so they can have some ‘seclusion and privacy’. The woman is usually horrified. And rightly so. Why? Well, partly because what the guy did was obviously overkill, and any woman who’s not on the Bachelorette show would be creeped out by that. BUT, it’s MAINLY because the guy wasn’t ‘being romantic’ … he was ‘DOING’ romantic. He wanted to ramp things up a bit, so he switched on the romance (or what he THOUGHT of as romance) in a bid to ‘get something started’. From the woman’s perspective, this is false, creepy, and deeply unoriginal. Contrast that kind of ‘conventional, boring’ behavior with simply being romantic RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, and you’ll get a completely different result.
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This is my perspective on romance: it is very important. A woman needs to know FROM THE START how you feel about her. BUT, most of the ways that guys ‘learn’ to be romantic – from the media, from pop culture, from TV – are WRONG and will turn a woman OFF. Instead, what really works is to be romantic right from the start … but to be ‘romantic’ in a way that actually WORKS. All you have to do is signify that you find her attractive from the very moment that you realize that you do. Do this by flirting with her. Tease her. Make her laugh. Find excuses to touch her. Talk about sex. Talk about emotions. And do all of this in a very offhand, light-hearted, playful way … and that is how you create romance. BTW: I realize that this differs greatly from the kind of ‘traditional romance’ that you may have been brought up on before now. But all that romance is, is a ‘tool’ designed to let a woman know that you’re attracted to her and to give her an idea of what your intentions are. And that’s why you don’t have to spend money or ‘do’ anything to be romantic. It’s not something that you give her, or particular ‘things’ that you do around her – it’s simply how you are being. And if you’re making her laugh, flirting with her, teasing her gently, playfully touching her, and building passion and rapport, think about how much more attraction that’s going to build than just treating her like a normal everyday person and then all of a sudden handing her a bunch of roses. It’s not a switch that can be turned on or off. It’s not a set of behaviors. It’s a feeling that’s created from how you are being around her.
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Of course, that’s not to say that you can’t make romantic gestures. Some romance-building actions to get your imagination going: - Always open doors for her, car doors included. - Help her take her coat off, and help her put it on again. - If you’re at a bar, place orders for both of you. Ditto restaurants. - If you’re walking, and there’s a puddle or some obstacle coming up, place your hand in the small of her back and escort her around it. Same thing if you’re walking through a crowded room: guide her through it. If you want to give her something, it’s far more romantic and will build far more attraction if that something is (or appears to be) spontaneous, not a ‘big deal’, and personal. For example, instead of taking her out to some swanky restaurant, turn up at her place with a bottle of wine and some ingredients, and cook her a meal. She gets to eat it in the comfort of her own home; she knows that you’re making an effort for her; and bonus points for doing your homework and checking out beforehand what kind of food she likes. Personally, I never give women cards. All that stuff about ‘caring enough to give the very best’ is for suckers. Any sap can buy a card from a store and sign it. Instead, I’ll just get a scrap of paper and draw a funny little picture of her on it, and write something on it about her that I thought of myself. (I like to write limericks about people. It’s intensely personal, it proves that you pay attention to her and have been thinking about her, and it also proves that you are smart and creative. If rhyming is not your strong suit, just Google the words ‘rhyming dictionary’ and voila. Instant bonus-points for you.) Humor goes a long way when giving gifts. Check out the $2 store and bargain shops for funny plastic rings, pins, and silly little toys. Of course, it’s best if you strike a personal note with these sorts of things: e.g. once I was dating a woman who said she had a thing All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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for bulldogs. A couple days later I found one of those ‘nodding dogs’ for the back of her car that was – you guessed it – a bulldog. She thought it was hilarious, put it in her car, and I got bonus points for getting her something personal and funny. I think it cost me $4. You do not have to spend money to be romantic. A few more pointers as regards gift-giving: be sporadic. Never let her be able to predict whether or when you are going to ‘do something romantic’ for her. Excitement comes from unpredictability; don’t get predictable. And, don’t make it a ‘big deal’ when you do something for her. Don’t act like you’ve gone out of your way for her, have spent a lot of money, or expect special attention in return. Remember, this is not a transaction: you’re doing something nice for her because you like to do so, not because you’re trying to ‘get something’ out of it. ALERT!! The messages that you see in TV and movies are your ENEMIES! The marketing schemes of people on Madison Avenue and Hollywood would love for you to believe that romance is based on MONEY. They want you to feel like you need to take a girl out for a big dinner … or buy her two dozen roses … or bring her an expensive box of chocolates … or hire a limousine on a date, just to impress her. ‘She’s worth it,’ say the ads/movies/idiotic actors on TV. ‘And you just know that if YOU don’t do it, some OTHER guy WILL.’ That’s OK with me. Let him be the chump, not you. Let me paint you a little picture. MORE MONEY SPENT = LESS ROMANCE AND LESS ATTRACTION. MORE MONEY SPENT = BIGGER DEAL FOR YOU = MORE PRESSURE ON YOU TO ‘MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN = LESS ROMANTIC. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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LOW COST, FUN, CREATIVE DATE = SMALL DEAL FOR YOU, SMALL DEAL FOR HER = LOW-KEY, LOW-PRESSURE SITUATION = FUN AND ENTERTAINING = NATURALLY ROMANTIC. Of course, if you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s definitely a GOOD thing to make the occasional ‘costly’ gesture if you feel like it. It’s fun and it’ll make her feel special and that she’s still ‘worth the effort’ for you. But DON’T do it when you’re still ATTRACTING someone, and DON’T do it unless you’re in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Got it? All right then.
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Getting Physical When it comes time to ‘get physical’ with a woman, it pays to put your attention on what’s happening behind the scenes. Remember: you are the one setting the pace here in terms of ‘making the first move’. She is not going to kiss you. That is something that you are going to have to do. But how will you know when the right time is? Let’s go a step back here. Are you both physically comfortable with one another? Can you play with her hair, sling your arm over her shoulders, or even tickle her if you wanted to? If the answer’s no, then you’ve still got some work to do. You MUST be physically comfortable with one another before you go in for a kiss. You need to be able to sit close to her without feeling like you’re invading her personal space and touch her playfully without her drawing away or flinching. Try this: grab her right hand and tell her that you’ve just learned how to palm read. Trace the lines over her palm thoughtfully, saying to yourself, “Uh huh. Oh, interesting. Remarkable.” Then let go of her hand and pretend like nothing ever happened. When she protests, “But what did you find out?” you can either make up a tongue-in-cheek response, like, “Your palm’s too wrinkly for me to tell,” or give her an actual reading. (To do this, look at the first dominant line you see running across the top of the palm. That’s the Heart Line. The higher up this line is, the more jealous and passionate the person is said to be. If the Heart Line goes straight across the hand, the person is said to be emotionally controlled. If, on the other hand, the Heart Line curves up towards the index finger, you’ve got a keeper: she’ll be warm-hearted, reasonable, and affectionate.) The point of this exercise was not, of course, to read her palm. It was actually to see how comfortable she felt with you holding her hand for an extended period of time. If she was able to relax with you bending over her palm and studying it, then you know she’d be up for getting physically closer. If, on the other hand, she tensed up or pulled her hand away after a short period of time, you know that she needs to learn to relax around you first. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Another great test to see if a girl is ready to be kissed is the Perfume Test. Ask her what scent she’s wearing, and lean in, almost as if you’re nuzzling her neck, to get a better whiff. If she doesn’t mind, you’ve got a winner. If a girl is STILL physically uncomfortable around you, there are some steps you could take to loosen her up. Dancing is a great one. Teasing, play-wrestling, or tickling is another great idea. Here’s just one example. Say you’re sitting at a table together when some of your friends arrive and ask to join you. You say, “Sure,” and slide in next to her as close and tight as you can. When she looks at you quizzically, you say, “We need to make space for my friends. Whoops, am I squashing you? Sorry.” Then, you scoot away just a fraction while your broad smile tells her that you were just looking for an excuse to get close to her. Once your girl has passed the physical comfort test and given you a green light to go ahead, your job is to keep out of your own way. This is what I mean: worrying, getting nervous, or wondering whether this is the right time are all activities that are going to tense you up and completely ruin the moment. You cannot afford to doubt yourself at this stage. If you do, she’ll sense your withdrawal and the slight awkwardness in the situation. If you tense up, she’ll tense up, too. Just remember: kissing her is no big deal! If you’ve been doing your homework, building rapport, paying attention to her, focusing on her and making her comfortable, flirting with her, and playfully touching her, she knows what’s coming next. She’s expecting you to make a move. In fact, if you don’t, she will likely be crushed and wonder what she did wrong! See your kiss as a seal of approval. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s just recognition of the fact that you really like one another and might want to take things further. A kiss does not necessarily mean that you’re planning to have a relationship with her or that you even want to take her home that night. It’s just a simple way of saying, “I like you. You’re cool.”
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Your first kiss can be as simple as an innocent meeting of the lips, followed by a glance. The glance is crucial, as you need to see how she’s reacted. Ask yourself what you see in her eyes: is it lust, nerves, concern? Remember: she’s looking to you to figure out what this kiss means and how she should feel about it, so a smile from you will reassure her that you’re happy at the way things are turning out. How she reacts to the kiss will give you the information you need to decide whether to continue for a full-on makeout session or whether she needs to relax around you a bit more. If you notice that her body is tense, she can’t look at you in the eye, or she seems a bit worried, then don’t continue kissing. Do something else instead. Grab her hand and pull her back into the club to get a drink, or, if you’re bidding each other goodnight, tell her that you’ll call her and walk away. But what if you couldn’t get up the nerve to go for that first kiss in the first place? It was the perfect time to kiss – you could feel it – but you just didn’t have the guts. I’ve got bad news and good news. The bad news is that she noticed it, too. She could tell that you should have kissed her but didn’t. Unfortunately, there will be consequences. If a ‘moment’ for a kiss came along and you didn’t take it, her attraction for you will likely SIGNIFICANTLY DECREASE. Why? Because not taking that moment demonstrates fear and insecurity, and an inability to ‘go with the moment’ – all things that signify lower value to most women. The good news is that the missed opportunity will be an invaluable lesson for you. You need to trust your gut instincts. You can’t afford to lead with your head. Your thoughts will make you hesitate every time, and he who hesitates is lost. If you’ve just blown a ‘moment’ with a girl, the first thing you need to do is forget it ever happened. Seriously. Because if you don’t – if, instead, you feel deflated and like you’re an idiot – she’s going to notice it and have LESS respect for you than ever. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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This isn’t about you and your stupid mistakes; this is about the “relationship” you are forming with this girl every second you’re together. The minute you focus on the thoughts talking away to you in your own head, you’ve taking your attention away from being with her, and she’s going to notice and feel anxious. The basic principle is really the same here no matter what degree of physicality you are getting into: put your attention on her. So if she seems ready to kiss you – she’s leaning into you, laughing a lot, playing with her hair, touching her face, making prolonged eye contact – note that she’s asking for a kiss, and kiss her! She will appreciate it, and the moment will be that much more poignant, because you waited until she was ready – you didn’t force it, and neither did you wuss out at the last moment (both side-effects of putting your attention on yourself, instead of on her.) Now let’s talk about going further. Some girls are ready to jump into bed with you the moment you kiss them, and others aren’t. If you can’t tell, then you need to seriously work on reading female body language. Here are just a few of the things girls do when they’re telling you they’re interested in this leading to the bedroom: • Push their hips into your groin • Grab your butt • Slide their hands underneath your shirt Got the picture? But most girls aren’t going to give you those kinds of overt signals straight-off. Instead, they’re going to let you set the pace and watch you closely to make sure that you don’t overstep your bounds. Don’t get turned off by a girl’s seeming reluctance to go any further with you. You’re All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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triggering a woman’s innate “slut defense.” Here’s how the slut defense works. Since the beginning of time, women have been socially conditioned to avoid the label of being “easy” or a “slut.” They were afraid that if they gained a reputation as someone who readily gave in to men’s advances, they would lose their social status and, in some societies, even be killed. It is crucial that you understand this point if you’re going to get to the next level with women. You cannot see a woman as “withholding” sex just out of spite or to annoy you. Rather, a woman’s resistance to your advances is actually a vital social defense that both protects her reputation and helps her weed out sleazy, easily dissuaded guys from men willing to put in the time to woo her. You have to be willing to face a woman’s “slut defense” and disarm it if you’re going to get any further. Some women have complicated sets of rules where a man can touch certain parts of their body at first, other parts later, and sex only after a certain amount of time has passed. Don’t bother trying to argue with these women. Even the most rigid woman will break her rules if the MOMENT is right … but be aware that ‘arguing’ with her, or using ‘logic’ and ‘reason’, will NOT change her mind. The best thing you can do is to keep making progress, and let her decide when to stop. When she figures out that she can be comfortable around you and that ‘stopping’ or taking a break is NOT a big deal, that’s actually when she’s MORE likely to want to keep going. She just needs to know that you can respect her boundaries first. So let’s look at what conditions need to be in place for her to have sex with you. She’s got to TRUST YOU if she’s going to go all the way with you. She’s got to be sure that you know what you’re doing. She’s got to feel safe enough around you that she can trust you with seeing her at her most vulnerable – when she’s naked. That’s one of those weird things about women: even the MOST BEAUTIFUL women All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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usually have some pretty major insecurities. Even if YOU think she’s perfect, SHE’s wanting reassurance that you do. Don’t assume that a woman ‘knows she’s hot’ just because YOU think she is. Women’s body issues play a bit part in their willingness to have sex. A girl who’s “feeling fat” won’t want to take off her shirt for you in case you see her fat rolls. No matter how many guys tell her she’s hot, she won’t believe it until she loses that ten pounds she thinks she needs to lose. It’s dumb, but it’s a fact, and you as a guy are going to have to deal with it if you want her to take her clothes off. One way to disarm her is through compliments. As much as compliments are off-limits in the INITIAL stages of dating, they’re CRUCIAL here. Compliment her skin. Tell her that she has a beautiful figure. Be honest about it; don’t just say it to get into bed with her. For example, don’t tell her she’s got a tiny ass if she doesn’t; focus your compliments on TRUTH and make it sound good. E.g. ‘you have such a perfect hourglass figure!’ goes down much better with ‘curvy’ girls than waxing rhapsodic about how qualities they DON’T have (leanness, toned-ness, etc) … women want to know you’re being TRUTHFUL, as well as complimentary. The more she feels like you see her as she truly is – beautiful as she is – the more willing she’ll be to let you see her unclothed. It’s a tall order: you’ve got to somehow convince a girl that it’s okay to let you see her naked and that you won’t abuse her trust. You’ve also got to make sure that she doesn’t feel used. She needs to feel as if this experience will be special to you and not just another notch on your bedpost. So how are you supposed to do all that? With some women (read: ordinary women who don’t spend all their time in bars), it’s going to take some time. Don’t rush anything. Holding back on sex can actually make her crazier about you. That’s because trust is a crucial factor in a satisfying sexual experience for a woman. If she feels cared about and taken care of, she’ll get hooked All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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on having sex with you. If, on the other hand, she feels like you rushed her into it and focused on gratifying yourself, she’ll leave the sexual encounter feeling dirty and used. Make no mistake: women tend to have emotional requirements about sex that most guys just don’t have. You’ve got to be careful, especially where alcohol is involved. If she’s drunk, you can think that she’s giving you all the green lights … only to wake up the next morning being accused of rape. Don’t go there. Take your time instead. Let her get comfortable being with you. Make sure she feels taken care of. If she wants to slow things down or stop, give her exactly what she wants. Don’t feel so driven by your need for sex that you can’t play the game. Another thing you’ve got to do is take a second look at YOUR attitude towards sex. Don’t let her convince you that sex is something she’s giving up for you. I hate the idea that sex is something women ‘give’ and that men ‘take’. If she’s coming on to you and enjoying it as much as you are, then it’s consensual. No one is “giving up” anything. Make it clear that you only want to have sex with her insofar as she’s 100% on board as well. Clear your mind of any feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy about sex. I’ve spoken to a lot of guys who feel that they were permanently scarred by their sexual experiences as teenagers. They think that because chicks rejected them back then, they’re going to be rejected now. I get how that works … but you’ve got to GET OVER IT if you want to enjoy sex NOW. Once you’re an adult, you’ve got a clear slate to have all the consensual, safe, protected sex you want. There are a lot of single women out there who want it, too. Things are different to how they were when you were a teenager. Don’t let negative past experiences keep you from claiming the active sex life you deserve. If you’re not sure how to tell a woman, “I want to have sex with you,” in so many words, then here’s a failsafe technique to ask her if she wants to go to bed with you: At the end of a fun evening out, ask her to your place for a nightcap or a coffee. Virtual every woman on the planet will know what you mean. If she goes back to your house now, even if it’s just under the pretense of looking at some photographs or having a coffee, there will be making out and quite possibly sex on the menu. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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It should go without saying that you should only ask her back to your place if your place is suitable for female company. In other words, you hopefully don’t live with roommates (or your parents), your bed was fairly recently washed and made up this morning, and your bathroom is CLEAN. She’ll be judging you from what she sees, and one porn magazine left on the toilet could send her out the door before you can open your mouth to explain. If she asks you back to her place, all the better. You’re a lucky man: you’re going to be able to sit back, accept a glass of wine, and let her come onto you without lifting a finger. At this point, you know what to do. Start making out on the couch, move to the bedroom, and you can take it from there. If you haven’t had much experience in this area, though, here are a few tips to make you a bit more confident. This isn’t about how well you perform; it’s about how much she enjoys it. If you FOCUS ON HER, the experience will be much more enjoyable for both of you. I’m not going to go into detail here, but first things first: as far as you are concerned, the experience is now about her. Focus on making her feel good and let her finish FIRST. This may take some time – most women take about 45 minutes to climax. Some women don’t climax the first time they’re with a new lover. That’s OK. Know that, for a woman, good sex is a combination of the right man and the right time. You may need a couple of encounters with the same woman for her to relax and enjoy it enough to finish with you. Don’t stress, and don’t get all tied up inside your own head worrying about it. That’s just another way of putting your focus on you, and it will reflect in your actions – and in both of your enjoyment of the situation. And as far as ‘cuddling’ goes …
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You Must Learn To Enjoy Cuddling. This Is Non-Negotiable. Afterwards, just lie there and chill out together. Talk to her. Touch her. It’s normal and nice to cuddle – and if you don’t like to cuddle, be aware that this is a problem. You must learn to like cuddling. (And if you don’t like cuddling, can I just ask – what’s WRONG with you, man?! This is your opportunity to embrace a naked or semi-naked woman and just hang out together for awhile. Trust me: learning to like cuddling is not that hard.) If you want a repeat performance, you must – again – focus on her. And most women want you to stick around and cuddle, or at least, lie there together and soak up all the good energy the two of you just created together. Focus on making her happy and creating an experience that she will enjoy, and everything will be that much better for both of you. Reassure her. Women get freaked out too. She wants to know just as much as you do that you enjoyed her performance, that you think she’s beautiful, that you’re really turned on by her. She won’t know these things unless you tell her, so tell her! Also: some guys try to take the ‘teasing’ thing into the bedroom. This is not a good idea. Now is not the time to be coy or to tease – once the clothes come off, so do the defenses, so no joking around and no cockiness or teasing. Now is the time to be sweet and tender and all the stuff that you generally do NOT do when you’re ‘in the field’. Sex is just another area where you are, to a large extent, setting the tone. So: be calm and relaxed. Don’t rush things. Be comfortable and at ease, and she will be, too.
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Important Points to Remember from Section Four Women cannot and will not tell you what they actually want in a man. They can only tell you what they THINK they want, which is different. You set the tone. Women tend to be attracted to MEN who are strong, dominant, decisive, and who LEAD the situation by setting the atmosphere and tone. Provide for her physically and emotionally. Use humor, strength of personality, and authority to do so. The best way to get a woman to relax is to be relaxed yourself. Aggression and strength are not the same thing. Use romance skillfully and immediately. Romance is about how you are around a woman right from the start. It is not something you ‘switch on’ when you want to ‘ramp things up’. You are always the leader. When it comes time to get physical, whether that’s a kiss or making love, YOU ARE THE LEADER. She will not make the first move (usually.) Don’t expect her to. Pay attention to how she is acting around you and when the moment seems right, escalate. Sex is better if you focus on her pleasure.
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If you don’t already, learn to like cuddling. Cuddling is fun, stress-free naked time. She likes it. She will like you more if you like to cuddle. It will make the relationship, whatever the duration, better for both of you. It will make her want to have more sex with you. What’s not to like about cuddling?
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Section 5: How to Make a Relationship Last Sometimes, you are going to meet a woman who is special. One that you’d like to keep around for awhile. Or maybe even longer than ‘awhile’. If so, great. Long-term relationships are inevitable if you practice the lifestyle of a truly superior man. This is a book about meeting and attracting women, less so about the science of relationship management. But, because you are eventually going to meet someone that you can imagine yourself with forever, I want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. You need to understand how your strategies with women are going to need to change, and how to do it. Here are a few ideas that might help. Should You Bother with Long-Term Relationships? By now, you can consider yourself an expert on how to attract a woman and build attraction. Unfortunately, you may have to throw everything you’ve just learned out the window when it comes to being a good mate to just that one woman. Dating behavior is not the same as relationship behavior. Once you move in with a woman, the rules turn upside down. When you argue with one another, you can’t just walk out the door. You’re not going to be able to escape her when she’s grumpy or needs support. When all you want is some peace and quiet to watch the game on TV with a beer, you may find that she needs your attention. In short, being in a relationship can totally freak you out. I want to give you a reality check here about relationships, because I want to make sure that you know what you’re getting into. Some guys can idealize having a girlfriend, but it’s not all a bed of roses. Women often change when they get into a secure relationship. Some girls become nags, while others stop making any effort with their appearance and lose interest in sex. Still All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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others start taking their guy for granted and treat him like he’s “less” just because he’s male. Other women will morph into your mother. I can almost guarantee that you’ll fight more often than you did back when you were “just” dating. Conflict comes with the territory. You might find yourselves squabbling over silly things like who’s going to take out the garbage, how to spend money, and whose parents to visit at Christmastime. All those things that you were able to hide from her in the early days of your courtship are going to come to light. Once you share a bed and a home, there’s not much you can keep secret from her. Your secret porn stash, photos of old girlfriends, female-unfriendly habits like swigging milk straight from the carton and reading Victoria’s Secret catalogues while taking a dump … yep, she’s going to find out all about it. So you need to be completely honest with yourself about whether you’re ready, at this stage in your life, to take these kinds of challenges on board. I’m not saying that a relationship isn’t worth the effort. What I am saying is that it’s going to require some awareness and some realism on your part. Especially if you move in together, her opinion is just as important as your own. It helps if you’re OK with things like putting laundry in the hamper, picking up after yourself to a certain extent, and trying not to put empty cartons back into the fridge. And by the way – a good way of figuring out whether you’ve found a ‘keeper’ or not is that you WANT to do these things, because you want her to be happy and comfortable around you. I.e. they’re not just ‘chores’ to be done because you’ll ‘get in trouble’ if you don’t do them. Another reason that it’s crucial to consider what you’re getting into is that it’s going to be harder to break up with her the longer you stay together. If you live together, have purchased things on credit together, and have the same friendship group in common, it’s going to be a major undertaking to break up. Some guys get in so deep, with someone who’s not actually right for them, that the sheer INCONVENIENCE of breaking up is what decides them to stick with an unsatisfying relationship. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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So let me ask you again: do you still want a long-term relationship with this girl? If your answer is yes, I gotta congratulate you. You are going to learn things from this relationship that you could never have learned as a single man. There’s just something about how a relationship pushes our buttons that forces us to ‘man up’ and face our shortcomings. Maybe communication isn’t your thing. Maybe you don’t know how to deal with conflict. Maybe you can’t deal with changing your lifestyle to suit someone else. Whatever it is, you’re going to have to face it and work on it for this to succeed. Each and every relationship you get into is a learning opportunity that is going to teach you tons about yourself and tons about how women think. I wouldn’t go back and change any of my relationships for anything. Some of them ended in flames, and some of them were downright bizarre, but what I got from those experiences far outweighed the hassle. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say that long-term relationships make boys into men. You start learning what it means to really care about someone ELSE. You start learning what it means to put someone else’s needs equal to your own. You start learning how to be 100% honest with her and with yourself, even when it’s scary and painful to do so. And, as an even greater bonus, being in relationships makes you more attractive to women. No joke. I can’t tell you how many guys have described this phenomenon to me. Why is it, once you’re in a relationship, suddenly all these girls who wouldn’t look at you twice back when you were single start sending you signals and coming onto you? Ever noticed that? There are a few reasons for it. First, women rely on other female opinions to tell them what to think about someone. If a girl likes you enough to be in a relationship with you, then that’s a pretty powerful stamp of approval. Second, when you’re in a relationship, you actually give off a different impression than when you’re single. One girl I know who used to date married men told me that it was All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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because married men were much calmer, more confident, and more satisfied with their lives than single men. Single men just had a ‘hungry’ edge to them that immediately put up a girl’s defenses. Finally, if a girl is considering dating you, one of the first things she wants to know about you is how many relationships you’ve had in the past. You get this with online dating all the time. A woman will actually make a judgment about whether to date you based on how many long-term relationships you’ve had and how long they lasted. So it’s to your advantage to be able to say that you’ve been in a few long-term relationships! Now that you’ve made the decision to go for it, here are a few tips to make sure your budding relationship goes smoothly.
First: you can’t lock her down. For a lot of guys, once they meet ‘the woman of their dreams’, it’s like the walls are closing in. They’ve done everything right up until now – and, now that their efforts have come to fruition and they’ve got the girl, they freak out. They start to worry. They become anxious that something will happen, she will lose interest/develop interest in another guy, and that ultimately she will leave them. This is a terrible way to approach a relationship with a woman. First of all, as you know, fear-based behaviors have a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies: once you let yourself become motivated by FEAR, you are taking a big step towards realizing that reality that you’re so afraid of. In this case, a fear of ‘losing her’ usually translates into a kind of ‘emotional lock-down’ attempt. The guy in question holds on too tightly in an attempt to make her stay. And of course, since this is another human being we’re talking about here, with her own needs, desires, and emotions, it must be said that you can’t lock her down. You can’t get a ‘guarantee’ that she’s going to be around as long as you want. She’s a human being, and this is a relationship between two human beings: there are no guarantees. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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So realize that, yes, it’s true that she may not be around forever; relationships do run their course and most of them will not last a lifetime. That’s just the way things are. Instead of struggling against this reality, accept it, and focus instead on making the most of the time you do have with her: appreciating her for who she is, appreciating the relationship for what it is, and allowing the two of you to create happiness together that’s based on honesty, true presence in each moment, and acceptance of the way things are.
Second: time apart will enrich your bond. This is an offshoot of the first point, but deserves a mention in and of itself: any relationship will crumble if subjected to too much ‘we time’. The thing that will dissolve sexual chemistry and mutual affection faster than just about anything else – with the possible exceptions of jealousy and dishonesty - is too much togetherness. Remember how, in the ‘building attraction’ phase – long before you got into a relationship – you learned that part of being a really interesting, excellent guy is leading a great life full of people and things that you are passionate about? Stay true to that reality. Maintain your interests in things other than your relationship. Let her have time alone and with her friends. Don’t give her a hard time about it or act jealous. Instead, focus on yourself and your life, and keep seeing the people and doing the things that give you pleasure. This will keep the chemistry alive between you, give you plenty to talk about, and fuel your reality as a genuinely ‘blue-ribbon-quality’ man who has a lot going on in his life. It will also prevent the relationship from ever getting stale; it will keep things alive in the bedroom; and it will remind you on a very visceral level that you always have options.
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I’m not talking about going out and flirting with a whole bunch of other women the moment her back is turned, but simply doing things that give you pleasure outside the scope of your relationship will keep you grounded in your life. It will prevent desperation or neediness from ever coming to the fore. It will remind her, in a very healthy way, that you are – and continue to be – a high-caliber guy who has a lot going on, and who wants her but never needs her. Thus, the two of you will never take one another for granted or become inured to the other. And finally, it will keep you energetic and interested in a balanced life of which a balanced relationship is just one - very sweet - aspect.
Thirdly: don’t get predictable. Predictability is a HUGE killer of attraction. When a relationship first starts out, everything is fresh and exciting. But over time, without effort, some couples let things sink into a rut – and wait until they’re both bored to death before actually doing anything about it. Don’t let that happen to you. Keep things from getting boring by NOT BEING PREDICTABLE YOURSELF. Don’t always do the same things together. Don’t let activities in the bedroom become routine. Spending time apart is a great fuel for unpredictability, but you also want to make the time you do spend together to be fresh and exciting. Instead of wasting energy trying to make her different, focus instead on yourself. Lead by example. Prevent her from taking you for granted by being unpredictable yourself.
Fourthly: no relationship lasts forever. A big contributor of taking one another for granted is the expectation that she will be around forever. Here’s a fact: NO relationship lasts ‘forever’. At the very least, one day it will be interrupted by death. As with all things in this world, relationships and feelings are temporary. So don’t waste energy trying to make your relationship into something it’s not (‘forever’). Don’t try to ‘lock her down’. Instead, try this: accepting each moment with her as a gift.
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Recognize that she could leave at any moment. Be present with her each day and focus on appreciating her presence in your life, rather than worrying about what ‘might’ happen. What Happens When You’re Ready to Commit? Sometimes, a relationship can feel so amazing that you want it to last forever. Coming home to her is like stepping through the doors of heaven. You wish that you could just whisk her away to a deserted island for two weeks and lie with her on the sand with coconut juice dribbling down your chins and palmetto fans swishing in the background. Being in a good relationship can totally change your life. Scott Wetzler of the Montefiore Medical Center in New York City explains a well-known medical fact: “In general, marriage tends to make people healthier, happier and richer, and that’s especially true for men.” You’ll live longer, feel better, and earn a higher salary as a married man. Plus, you’ll get more sex than you did when you were single. Remember all those long dry periods you experienced as a bachelor, when it seemed like you couldn’t pick up a single chick? Those days will be gone forever. You know as well as I do that there are risks to getting married, too. You’ve only got a 5050 chance of staying together. If you get a divorce, you’re looking at losing half your assets in the settlement. Plus, if you get divorced and have kids, you’ll be paying child support for the next decade or so. That’s why I strongly recommend that you research beforehand what it takes to create a committed relationship and keep it committed. You don’t want to jump into marriage without any clue of what it’s going to take to keep this puppy alive. Besides, if you’re like most guys, you probably have strong doubts about your ability to stay with one woman forever anyway. How can you be sure that you’ll still be attracted to this woman in 5 or 10 years time? Meet Your Sweet has created the perfect course to teach you everything you need to know All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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about commitment and more. Whether you just want to be happy in the relationship you’re in, or whether you’re thinking about proposing to the girl you’re with, this online course (available as an audio book as well as e-book) will teach you what to expect and how to succeed. Trust me: there are a lot of things that you’ve probably never thought about in your relationship that are going to come back and bite you. You need to know what to do if she suddenly turns into your mother, starts nagging you, or complains all the time. You need to know what to do if your sex life suddenly slumps, you make a major mistake (like an affair), or you stop finding her attractive. You need to know what to do if you suddenly want out of the relationship but fear that you’re making a huge mistake. From First Dates to Soul Mates will teach you all these things and more. Written and read aloud by esteemed online relationship expert Amy Waterman, From First Dates to Soul Mates goes into all the nitty-gritty details of being in a relationship. You’ll learn precise techniques to figure out if this is really and truly the girl you want to commit to, as well as what to do if there are things about her that you wish you could change. You’ll discover how to keep your relationship fun and easy without having to stress over it, as well as proven techniques for fighting better, talking about hard stuff, and cheatproofing your relationship. Don’t miss out on this extraordinary, never-before-revealed technique for keeping the magic alive! If you’re serious about making a go of this relationship, you can’t afford to pass this up. Backed by Meet Your Sweet’s ironclad moneyback guarantee and solid-gold reputation, this course will give you the opportunity of a lifetime to keep the girl and keep your sanity. Get serious about getting better at relationships. Sign up for your own trial copy of From First Dates to Soul Mates today! Visit: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/commitment/men/
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Important Points to Remember from Section Five You can’t lock her down. Don’t even try to get a ‘guarantee’. Don’t waste time or energy trying to control what she does, feels, or wants to do. She will like you MORE if you are able to recognize her independence and autonomy from you. If you ever find yourself needing to get a ‘guarantee’ that she will love you forever/always be attracted to you/always be around, chill out. Those guarantees will never come. Let her do her own thing and your bond will be much stronger. She may not be around forever. Don’t fight this possibility. Use it as motivation to appreciate her while she is around. Spend time apart. Remember the importance of having your own life and your own passions that aren’t just about women? You need to hang onto that. Keep things fresh and alive by focusing on yourself and having time to do ‘your own thing’. Predictability is the kiss of death. Don’t let things fall into a routine. Keep trying new things. Be up for adventures. Have fun. Don’t get stale.
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Afterword I think we all know that there’s no literal ‘magic bullet’ out there. BUT, there ARE plenty of VERY SIMPLE things that you can do with yourself and in your life, which, by the very act of doing them, begin to create MAGICAL CHANGES in your life and with the women that you attract. You don’t need a ‘magic bullet’ to create magic. You just need to be able to TAKE ACTION. You need to actually get out there into your life and start DOING these things in order to experience that magic. You can’t just READ about them and HOPE for things to happen – at some point, you’ve got to stop reading and actually start DOING what we’ve talked about in this book. This book is about giving you the tools with which to think for yourself, to enable you to be able to make those all-important, ‘realtime’ decisions for yourself. Success with women, both in attraction and relationships, is less about having ‘the right thing to say’, and more about the ability to be appropriate to each and every moment as it shows up in your life. That is the essence of being an excellent man: not following somebody else’s idea of ‘what works with women’, but instead, figuring out what your personal truth is, and working out a way of demonstrating that truth and that personality to women in a way that they find attractive – and in a way that remains true to you. Your own counsel is what’s always going to lead you down the path of enlightened selfinterest: that is, acting with enlightenment, in a way that best serves your desires. But remember: it’s a process. This is not about perfection. You have to get on that road and walk it before you can reach the endpoint. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Now stop reading about it and go and DO IT. Cross the abyss between knowing and doing. Do it. You deserve to be happy. And so do all the women out there who are wondering when they’re going to meet a guy just like you. Best of luck. Be cool,
Slade Shaw and Mirabelle Summers MeetYourSweet.com
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Bibliography/Recommended Resources Blanton, Brad. Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth. New York: Dell Publishing, 1996. Benzer, Alex. The Tao of Dating. www.thetaoofdating.com (p15) Chopra, Deepak. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. California: New World Library, 1994. Deida, David. The Way of the Superior Man. Boulder: Sounds True, Inc, 2004. Hill, Napoleon. Think And Grow Rich. USA: Best Success Books, 2008. (70th Anniversary Edition.) Kane, Ariel & Shya. Working On Yourself Doesn’t Work. New York: ASK Productions, Inc, 2000. Keen, Sam. Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. New York: Bantam Books, 1992. Morris, Desmond. The Pocket Guide to Manwatching. London: Triad Grafton Books, 1988. Mystery. The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed. New York: St Martin’s Press, 2007. Neville. Your Faith Is Your Fortune. Camarillo: DeVorss Publications, 1941. Taylor, Sandra Anne. Secrets of Attraction. California: Hay House, 2001. Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. California: New World Library, 2004.
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Watts, Alan. The Wisdom of Insecurity. New York: Vintage Books, 1951. Watts, Alan. The Way of Zen. New York: Vintage Books, 1989. Weiss, Max. The Zen of Meeting Women. USA: Max Weiss, 2007.
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Recommended Reading Being truly attractive to women is all about being the best man that you can, in order to attract the best woman for you. In other words, ‘faking it’ isn’t really an option … and you probably already have a fairly good idea of my stance on manipulation and mind-games. So with genuine self-betterment in mind – the concept that you must be the best ‘you’ you possibly can be, in order to create the relationships and love success with women and life that you really want – I’ve appended a short list of 4 ‘Mirabelle-vetted’ books that I’ve personally reviewed with your transformative journey in mind. (I’ve even helped author some of them!) All of the books I’m recommending you can find at this website right here: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/men/
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First Dates to Soul Mates: How To Take Things To The Next Level Of Commitment by Amy Waterman This book is all about building the love, affection, and long-lasting relationship that you want and deserve. Imagine how it would be to have a partner who is genuinely and deeply committed to you and your relationship? Imagine never feeling insecure about the future again? Imagine knowing that the two of you want exactly the same things, and are going to build on a lifetime of love and happiness together? If you want to put an end to unfulfilling relationships, take things to the next level of commitment, attract emotionally available women, who take you seriously and support you in your life goals, and learn how commitment really works for women, then you’ve got to read this book. It’s crucial to your love life success. Amy’s discovered a foolproof method of magnetically attracting your partner to grow in closeness and commitment – on physical and emotional levels – as time goes on. How would it be to be completely immune to the death of love and closeness in your relationship? To be in a relationship with your best friend, your favorite person, the woman you love more than anyone in the world … and to have those feelings reciprocated? It’s like magic. But the best part is, it’s not actually magical at all – it just takes knowledge. If you want to create the ultimate relationship … improve your relationships starting RIGHT NOW … create better communication with everyone around you … achieve true and lasting physical passion in your relationship … and strengthen your relationship with your partner, even in times of stress and change …then I strongly recommend you read this book. It’ll change your life in ways you never knew was possible.
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You can access the book at this web address right here: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/commitment/men/
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Supreme Self-Confidence in Dating, Relationships & Social Situations by Slade Shaw How to know if this book is for you? Let me ask you a few questions: Have you ever seen someone from across the room that you really like, or who you'd really love to meet.... but were too overwhelmed by fear and nervousness to go over and start a conversation? Have you ever felt like you don't deserve the kind of woman that you are REALLY attracted to, and as a result always settle for second best? Have you ever felt yourself shaking with self-consciousness when you are talking to a girl that you've got a crush on? Lost your words? Can't be your best self? Have you ever been in a relationship where you got emotionally insecure and ended up driving your partner away by your clinginess and insecurity? Have you ever fallen in love with someone before you've even dated her and got jealous and upset when she goes out with someone else? If you answered YES to any of the above questions, then this book is a great fit for you. I strongly believe that this information could actually be life changing for you.... When you're not self confident, then you get nervous and act differently at times when you feel stressed or need to be at your best. For example: on a date, or when you're approaching or talking to a woman you're attracted to. If your confidence betrays you at these vital times, then you may actually struggle to
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make your life turn out the way you want it to. Confidence is attractive, and without it, it's difficult to attract a really good catch.Why? Women base their assumptions of you on what they know of you. That's why first impressions can be so hard to change. If what she sees of you in the first few moments is all she knows of you, then as far as she's concerned, that image she has in her head of you IS YOU. So if you meet a woman you are attracted to and act nervous, fumble your words, and run out of things to say … … then as far as she knows, you are the kind of person who is nervous, fumbles their words and runs out of things to say. (Of course, a little nervousness - with a smile! - can be endearing and can even help you, but if you can't let your best self shine through soon, and if you end up getting so nervous that you just want to get out of there, then it's hard to see her ever becoming attracted to you.) Also, it's really unfortunate that people may assume from your shy or nervous behavior that you simply don't like being around them. They pick up on your discomfort. They may end up becoming quite negative towards you as a result, because they think that you've rejected them first — when in reality you just didn't know what to say or do. And this is exactly the kind of problem that this book deals with in detail. By reading Slade’s book, you'll become a man who enters an approach with confidence, and enters a relationship WHOLE without needing someone else to 'complete' you. You'll be looking for a woman to 'complement' you instead.
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This is one of the most powerful and special characteristics that you could possibly offer to a relationship. The self-confidence that I want to impart to you will instantly help you become a more balanced man who is able to manage the challenges and negotiations that all relationships bring, and grow in confidence and attraction.
You can access ‘Supreme Self-Confidence’ at this web address: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/selfconfidence/men/
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2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex by Mirabelle Summers (co-authored by Amy Waterman) If you're going through the emotional turmoil of a break-up with a woman that you really didn't want to happen (or now regret happening), then you have my whole hearted sympathy. I know what you are going through. It isn't a happy place and it isn't an exaggeration to say that can even feel like someone has just died. There is not a lot in this world that is more painful than the feeling that the woman you love no longer loves you back, or feels the same about you. Anyway, we've established that breaking up is an awful experience. And in this book, I’m going to reveal to you my most powerful methods for winning back your ex. But first I have a very important question to ask you before carrying on ... Why Do You REALLY Want To Get Back Together With Her? And Is It REALLY A Good Decision To Make? Were you and your ex really good together? Did she treat you the way you deserve to be treated? More importantly, did she support you in your goals - and did you support her wholeheartedly in hers? I'm asking that question in particular as it is the biggest determining factor in long-term relationship success according to numerous studies. The first thing that you need to do right now is STOP doing what ever you are doing to get her attention back. No more sending flowers or begging for forgiveness! (Yes, really. Even if you genuinely feel that you are ‘in the wrong’, stop apologizing and stop begging.) Don't worry, I'm not talking about 'treat her mean, keep her keen' or any of that nonsense. But you DO need to understand what is going on inside her mind (which I cover in my book), and you DO need to give her space (if you aren't), and you DEFINITELY need to get your life back in order. The most attractive thing that you can do right now, before anything else, is to get your life back on track. See your friends, your family and make some exciting plans for the future for example a holiday away or something to look forward to. All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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Any woman will be A LOT more attracted to the mystery of 'why are you so happy?' than she will be attracted to you trying to win her back through letters, guilt and smothering. While it may feel those tactics are about winning back her love, to her, they seem more about you and your feelings than they do about her and respecting her feelings. That doesn't make you attractive - it makes you look desperate and self-serving. Trust me with what I'm saying about focusing more on getting yourself happy first (without making her responsible for your happiness) and you'll double your chances of winning her back, right off the bat. The above is really just a quick stepping stone to give you a much higher chance of winning back your ex, but, I cover absolutely EVERYTHING that you need to know about how to win your ex back and keep them craving more, in my book "How to Win Your Ex Back". Essentially, I've written this book to guide you through the process of healing the pain of a breakup; recognizing why it happened in the first place; figuring out whether it genuinely is a good idea to get back with your ex; and, if it is, I tell you exactly – EXACTLY! – what you need to heal the wounds and make your relationship better than it ever was before.
You can access ‘2nd Chance’ at this web address: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/2ndchance/men/
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Conversation Chemistry by Mirabelle Summers (co-authored by Amy Waterman) When renowned online relationship expert Amy Waterman and I started researching and writing Conversation Chemistry, we were initially going to write 2 separate books: one for people who are single or dating, and one for people who are already in a relationship. But the feedback we received was an overwhelming number of suggestions that we combine them both together, as there was so much essential information in each of them for people at all stages of a relationship. Hence, Conversation Chemistry is actually the length of two full books (298 pages) and is packed full of essential communication secrets for you, no matter whether you are single or in a long term relationship! We've broken it up into three specialized sections: Section 1: The principles of great communication with the opposite sex. Section 2: Secrets to talking to and communicating with the opposite sex during dating. Section 3: Communication inside a relationship I realize that ‘how to communicate with the opposite sex’ is a hotly debated topic (come on, it’s like the Holy Grail of relationships and dating!) … so, I’ve broken down the book’s contents for you in a bit more detail. In Part I, some of the juiciest tidbits you’ll find include: • The principles of great communication. These principles differ between men and women, find how and why! (pages 17 and 18) • How to adapt the way you talk to suit the woman you’re talking to - this may determine whether or not she develops a romantic interest in you. • How to communicate in such a way that builds unstoppable attraction (pages 19 - 25) • There is a definite sequence to the process of attracting a mate. You'll learn what this process is, and how you can use it to your advantage in sparking attraction. (If you
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follow this process, you'll build up an incredible attraction with the women around you!) (pages 26 - 30) • The 'magic' ingredients necessary to build potent rapport with another person. This is truly powerful stuff you won't want to miss out on! (pages 36-52) Part II: Secrets to Talking and Communicating with the Opposite Sex During Dating • Find out the key secret to become a charismatic, high-status man who has no doubt that what you're saying is interesting to your audience • How to overcome approach anxiety. • You'll learn everything you need to know about how to start a conversation with a woman. • The simple secret to making a woman feel addicted to talking to you • Discover the 2 crucial secrets to the art of confident conversation. • Discover how to take a conversation to a more intimate level - without awkwardness or embarrassment! • How to make others laugh! This can work to your advantage! If you have the power to make people laugh, it’s like a drug – or, even more accurately, like magic. A man who uses humor to create attraction is like a magician: other people can’t understand what’s happening, or how it works; but work it does. And it creates attraction like you wouldn’t believe. • Find out exactly how to tease in such a way that you bond with men and have piles of fun in the process! • How to spark attraction and sexual chemistry with women. You'll learn some incredibly powerful secrets here. Part III: Communication Inside a Relationship • The communication skills required for a great long-lasting relationship are different to those that spark attraction and get you through the first month or two of dating. In this exciting section, you'll discover vital communication skills that will bring the two of you together and you'll find out common communication mistakes so that you don't make them yourself! All Rights Reserved © 2008 MeetYourSweet.com
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• What to do if communication stops. Rarely go out for an evening alone together? Feel like you've run out of things to say to each other? Find out how to revive your communication and get to know your partner again. • Why you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about silence in your relationship • Discover the 3 traits of happy couples who know how to disagree in a healthy, nondestructive way. • How to argue properly and grow together as a result, rather than grow apart. • How to forgive. Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. Denying forgiveness to your partner is just like poisoning your relationship. Discover the path you need to follow to true forgiveness. • How to talk about your feelings. The difference between your emotions being a good or a bad thing is in how you choose to express them. The rewards of increased emotional self-awareness make it worth the effort. Emotional intelligence will reward you with greater relationship, social and career success as well as greater levels of happiness and life satisfaction. Conversation Chemistry is designed to take you to the ‘next level’ of communication, whether you’re out to meet someone new, enjoy a fun and flirtatious conversation, master the art of flirting, or make a relationship into the best one you ever had.
You can access ‘Conversation Chemistry’ at this web address: https://www.meetyoursweet.com/conversationchemistry/men/
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