Fcbook Status

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Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways. ( Funny Status iPhone App ★★★★★) The awkward moment when you‟re singing and you didn‟t know someone was watching. “Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio. I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet. Beginnings are scary, endings are sad, but its the middle that really counts. I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren‟t real. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre. Without that little voice in your head, you wouldn‟t be able to read this. (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page ) Packing for a trip can be exciting. But unpacking is always depressing. Those days when you don‟t know what to think, to believe, or to feel. I‟m convinced that anyone driving the speed limit or slower has drugs in their car. Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets? The Big Mac doesn‟t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics. I don‟t know my friends address but I know EXACTLY WHERE THEIR HOUSE IS. If I‟m weird around you, that means I‟m comfortable with you. (VIA Twitter: @FreeFunnyStuff ) 3 Things I know about you: 1) You cannot say “P” without your lips touching 2) You just tried 3) You‟re now smiling and Sharing this. I still run up the stairs like a gorilla because its easier that way. ( Funny Status iPhone App ★★★★★) The History channel should rename itself to “The Scripted Reality TV Network”. You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes. LIKE if you say “EA Sports, it‟s in the game” along with the guy who says it. That awkward moment when you‟re trying to end a conversation and the other person won‟t stop talking. If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won‟t repost this,” there is a 99% chance you‟re an idiot. (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page ) Name your iPod „Titanic‟, plug it into the computer, “Titanic is syncing”, press cancel, feel like a hero. You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn‟t find one of your “friends” to take it? I‟m not broke but my “check wallet” light is on. I MISS- ❒ My old friends. ❒ Being happy. ❒ The person you used to be. ❒ The good times. ❒ My childhood. ✔ All of the above.. That scary moment when your teacher says that they‟re gonna start calling on random people. When you‟re in bed and you can‟t sleep so you just lay there making mental movies of perfect scenario‟s in life. That awkward moment when iTunes shuffle decides to put on your most embarrassing songs. (VIA Twitter: @FreeFunnyStuff )

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The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored. LIKE this with your tongue. (95% of people can not do this!) ( Funny Status iPhone App ★★★★★) My room isn‟t dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum. Hate being fat. Love eating food. Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow. Good friends don‟t let you do dumb things… alone. You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food. Does it distrurb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Spending half of the movie wondering where you‟ve seen the actor before. (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page ) Why is it when I am alone, I want to be with people and when I am with people all I want to do is be alone? If you get sexted by someone you don‟t like…does that mean you got molexted? That frustrating moment when you know exactly what something means but not how to explain it. I hate when I‟m wearing my apple bottom jeans and I can‟t find my boots with the fur. Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don‟t want to know.” I hate when I think I‟ve found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral. I don‟t have a dirty mind… I have a sexy imagination! (VIA Twitter: @FreeFunnyStuff ) People who often use & understand sarcasm are more likely to have a high I.Q.

Cern... 1. found one of those God Particles in a box of cereal last year. Man, I wish I kept it! 2. is glad mankind has found the God Particle, so we can continue our epic search for Waldo! 3. "Are You There God Particle? It's Me, Joe Average That Doesn't Understand You!" 4. CNN "That's all the time we have for the God Particle, right now let's meet your new hot dog eating champion!" 5. predicts that at the end of the God Particle announcement, one of the CERN researchers will pause nonchalantly, and say... "oh, one more thing...", then calmly teleport away... 6. Physicists at CERN announced they found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests. 7. 10 minutes after discovery of God Particle, Chinese knock-off found for $5 8. Gee Great. How long before IKEA comes up with new furniture made with real God Particle Board. 9. says that yo mama's so fat that SHE gives the God Particle mass! (Assuming validity of the Standard Model and Gauge Theory of course) 10. Higgs Boson discovered... Katy Perry's 3D movie opens... Coincidence? ____ is hungry enough that my stomach sounds like Morse code for wanting a double bacon cheeseburger. (Nobo Dy) ____ Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame.

(SamGirl Sunday) ____ Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it. (Cody Sanders) ____ The awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon) ____ just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth. (William Hale) ____ The difference between my ex and a catfish is that one is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. (Jad Bou Karam) ____ If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo. (Jenni More) ____ honestly thinks that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports. (Harish Agrawal) ____ is not as random as you think I salad. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski) ____ You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. (TaLeighea Iaintelin) ____ wishes the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant) ____ Never trust a quiet toddler. (Linda Carey) ____ Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to wear khakis & a red polo, then head to Target and pretend to work there. (Nobo Dy) ____ My boss just ticked me off. How sad is it that my immediate revenge thought was: "Oh yeah, I'll just waste more company time on Facebook!" (Jacob Grant) ____ Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one." (Snehal Nakade) ____ if someone tells you you're their "everything", you should expect to be murdered at some point. (Jenni More) ____ Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up. (Snehal Nakade) ____ Hey, I found your nose! It was in my business again. (Stacey Alsky) ____ Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds. (David McNamara) ____ When I grow up, I want to be a kid. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco) ____ I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. (Jason Fundora) ____ tapes microwave popcorn to the ceiling because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm. (Nobo Dy) ____ If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. (Gagan Adiwal) ____ And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies." (Nobo Dy) ____ You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't. (Jacob Grant) ____ hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it. (Oren Dee) ____ tried giving my boss a compliment today. Apparently "You have a great witch's cackle" isn't a compliment. (Jacob Grant)

____ was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one. (Nobo Dy) ____ Jiffy Lube’s motto should be “it’s always more than just an oil change” (Karen Vanselow) ____ went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski) ____ A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski) ____ would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco) ____ How does Wile E. Coyote afford all those damn rockets?! (Sonia Gandhi Mojica) ____ This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions. (Nobo Dy) ____ thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers. (Sonia Gandhi Mojica) ____was bored, so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator. (Farhanah Khalit) ____ Math questions are so stupid! They're like, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?! (MrsFabulous Cervantes) ____ is licking the cake batter out of the bowl because I'm a fearless bitch who's not afraid of a little salmonella. (SamGirl Sunday) ____ How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle? (Jimi Anastasio) ____ If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming "HELP ME!" please return it to me. It's totally overreacting. (William Hale) ____ Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops? (Michelle Lacy Lauff) ____ As you're reading this, you should say to yourself, "Why am I talking to myself?" (Nobo Dy) ____ When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!" (Donna Young)

____ I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk. (Jack Olivar) ____ My favorite shape is the vicious circle. (Lisa James) ____ The 3D version of the alphabet: A B C D D D E F ... (Adam Apple) ____ Note to self: Blaming the chair doesn't work when the fart was silent. (Donny Norris) ____ To overcome my gambling addiction my therapist advised me to Google it. It's hard to look past the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button though. (Hollywood Allan) ____ If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too. We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first. (King Julien) ____ I'm beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work. (Shannon SeeMore) ____ I hate when I forget my password... then have to waste 30 seconds of my life to reset it! (Jack Wagon)

____ I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding. (Stacy Kaetterhenry Fournier) ____ That awkward moment when you compliment a guy's belt buckle...and I really hope that I don't have to explain why this is awkward. (Eric Caro) ____ I am going to concentrate on what's important in life. I'm going to strive everyday to be a kind and generous and loving person. After that I am going to sprout wings and fly to the moon. (Dottie Dunlap Mabry) ____ Its a funny sensation, holding a cold beer with your thighs while typing a Facebook status. (Dave Murawski) ____ My girlfriend told me to grow a pear...What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider? (Erek Beard) ____ I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed" (Daniel Kilonzo) ____ I have to confess, I'm so far out of the loop, I only get about half your jokes. (Quirky Sally) ____ 9 out of 10 doctors say that other doctor is a dumbsh*t. (Tom Guntorius) ____ My sleep number... is actually a very complex choreographed jazz hands routine. (Jack Wagon) ____ After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock. (Donny Norris) ____ sometimes i wish that instead of a finger poking people it were a knife. (Shaunna Shurtliff) ____ When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets. (Travis Wheat) ____ I dont need anyone to put me out of my misery, that's what booze is for. (Lisa James) ____ According to a recent study by the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people (Shafique Khatri) ____ Click "like" if you can see this status. (Eric Caro) He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand. There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count. Which of the three are you? I dropped a tear in the ocean and when someone finds it i'll stop l♥ving y♥u.