Our Beliefs • Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning. • Every child is unique and his/her ind...
FamilyMatters North Star
™
April
To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered Kids Kids
A New Earth For Kids That Fishing Feeling Games & Brain Teasers
Parents
Rewired to Read
The Gift Within
EFT & Times Tables
Who We Are
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Our Beliefs
We are three people with a passion for empowering kids; a single mother who decided to do something different than her parents did, her daughter who knows what it is to be an empowered kid and grow into an empowered adult, and a man who found and cared for an abandoned baby on the streets of India when he was a teenager, and still dreams of helping kids. That’s why we’re here every month, to share our passion and offer inspiration. We know that parenting is more than just feeding and protecting. Conscious parenting is about commitment, inspiration, and empowerment. We are here to support you in the parenting process and to support your kids in realizing their full potential.
Our Beliefs
• Every child is born with an innate curiosity and love of learning. • Every child is unique and his/her individuality is valuable to the family and to the world. • Every child is born with unbounded potential. • Every child can have high self-esteem, be self-motivated, and respectful of themselves and others if given the appropriate tools and experiences. • How we treat our toddlers and children today has a direct influence on their selfopinion and the choices they will make as teenagers and young adults of the future. • Parents have the single most important influence on children’s lives. • The future is unlimited when our thoughts, feelings, and actions are in alignment with our intentions.
Accordingly, As Parents, It Is Our Responsibility To: • • • • •
Support our children’s unique talents and abilities. Foster our children’s innate curiosity and love of learning. Empower our children to make meaningful decisions every day. Remind our children that their futures are full of possibilities. Acknowledge that parenting is as much a learning process for us as for our children.
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Parents
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A New Earth
for K ids : By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
Part 2
10 That Fishing Feeling
By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
12 The Gift Within By Larry Davis
14 Empowering Education: 14 Rewired to Read By Rhonda Stone
16 EFT & Times Tables By Steve Wells
18 “I Am” Affirmations
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
20 Guided By NSFM By Tanessa Dillard Noll
22 The Sue-Lution Place By Sue Woodward
Kids 8 Answers to March’s Games 9 Coloring Page 6 A New Earth for Kids: Part 2 By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
10 That Fishing Feeling
By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
18 “I Am” Affirmations
By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
24 Games
North Star Family Matters | April
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Table of Contents
At a Glance: “ P ” for Parents “ K ” for Kids
From Us to You
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From Us to You Dear Parents & Kids,
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Spring is in the air! There are some lingering days of winter left for some of us, depending on where we live, but there is more light, more sun and it feels wonderful. Spring always brings with it a softening of the heart, as we see flowers start to appear from under the ground, buds form on the trees, and another season of change. Change is a consistent theme in our busy lives, and somehow the wonderful transformation of nature reassures us that change is a natural part of life. Throughout the hectic schedules and days we live, we have the choice to tune into our true nature and attempt to live in each moment, letting go of the past and not worrying about the future. For more on these ideas, check out the second part of our series for kids inspired from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Share these tools with your children and continue to bring more peace and love to the world one child at a time. We want you to know that each month, in our personal lives and in our business, we put into practice the philosophies, tools and empowerment messages that we talk about in the magazine. Being a family-owned business offers us a variety of challenges, but we do our best to transform them into opportunities for personal growth. We make a point to address our personal issues and resistance before we move on in the business arena. It’s not always easy and sometimes we fall into our old patterns, but we hold our interactions up to the vision of what we want to create. We are all on parallel paths, doing our best to create the life we want to live. We hope we help support and inspire you to do the same.
Warmest Regards, The Team at North Star Family Matters P.S.-- Don’t forget to look for our four “Follow the North Star” stars hidden
in this month’s issue. They look like this:
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. (But that one doesn’t count!)
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From Us to You
Editor-In-Chief Creative Director Wendy Garrido Managing Editor Sue Woodward Operations Manager Prem Carnot National Outreach Director Kimberly Bray-Morse Proofreading Rhonda Stone JoAnn Ray Don Garrido Jamie Bailey Contributing Writers Steve Wells Steve Viglione Rhonda Stone Phil Reed Dr. Marilyn Powers Tanessa Dillard Noll Krista L. Morse, age 10 Syandra Ingram Kurt Hines Larry Davis Laurice Bray Sharon Becker Empowered Kid Consultants Sasha, 15; Quinn, 5; Mary Margaret, 7; Kevin, 8; Josh, 12; Isabelle, 10; Fisher, 13; Divya, 6; Brianna, 10; Beverly, 6; Alison, 13 Conscious Parenting Consultants Wendy Y., Pamela, Laurie, Laura, Jon, Don, Diana, Cindy North Star Family Matters PO Box 7306 Olympia, WA 98507 (888) 360-0303 Midwest Office: 7627 S. Dune Hwy. Empire, MI 49630 (888) 228-4492 www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com North Star Family Matters is published monthly by The Solution Place LLC. Back issues are available for $5.95 each or a set of 12 for $29.95.
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Connected Families
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A New Earth for Kids: Part 2
By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
One of the most publicized books this month is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It asks each of us to awaken to our own consciousness and it speaks of the power of consciousness to transform the world. As each generation leaps ahead of the ideas, beliefs, and limitations of the past, we evolve as a species creating a new level of awareness. It’s our children who will lead us to a world of peace and compassion and it starts with helping them discover the truth of who they are. A New Earth asks us to stop living in our heads, with blame, fault, guilt, anger, sadness, prejudice and disharmony, and instead, asks us to tap into our consciousness, the truth that connects us all. Along the way, we discover our inner purpose and our inner gifts, and by doing so, we give others permission to do the same.
A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids
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ast month we wrote about the idea that there are two parts of a HUMAN BEING; the HUMAN part and the BEING part. The HUMAN part is made up of your body, your thoughts, your experiences, and your feelings. It’s the part of you that identifies you as: “I am a boy. I am a girl. I am ten years old. I love dogs.” Those parts are all affected by what happens around you and changes on a daily basis. The BEING part of you is made up of your core, your center, who you truly are. It doesn’t change. Your BEING identifies you as: “I am love. I am full of potential. I have
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a purpose and gift to bring to the world.” It remains constant no matter what happens around you. Staying connected to your BEING makes life easier because you are focused on the only thing you truly have control over— you! Therefore, you can go to that inner place of happiness, peace, and love no matter what happens to you, how someone treats you, or what goes on around you. It’s easy to see that the HUMAN part of everyone makes us unique, because we all have different ideas and thoughts. You react differently to something than your sister or brother might, for example. But the BEING part of
ation to another, forgetting that we have another choice. We get so wrapped up in what we think and feel that we forget that we are wonderful because we exist. No matter what’s going on around you, you can remember, “I am.” That is who you want to identify with. And, it starts with paying attention to the feeling inside you, whatever it happens to be. Then, take a deep breath, focus all your attention on your breathing. In that moment, you are in the present moment and aware of your aliveness, which is something most of us take for granted on a daily basis. One way to move through an emotional issue is to tune in to the BEING part of you and focus on the breathing that brings you life. You are a BEING who experiences emotions and situations every day. When you say “I am angry,” what does that mean? Are you anger? How is it different than saying “I feel angry”? When you say “I feel angry., it’s still the HUMAN part of you that feels the anger, but it is not who you truly are. The BEING part of you is always coming from a place of trust and love, a place you can count on. You only have control over how you feel and think. You create those thoughts and feelings. And, you are much more than just thoughts and feelings. You are a HUMAN BEING. Karen was angry. She had told her daughter, Sara, to come home right after school, but she was already a half hour late and not anywhere in sight. So Karen felt angry and disappointed, but it didn’t stop there! She created a story of thoughts about just why her daughter had done this. It started with “I’ll bet she lied to me. I am so tired of not being listened to...” and you can imagine where it went from there. Her mind started to make up a story based on her past experiences that supported her expectation of what was happening. She created a story that Sara was doing something to her and that story didn’t make her feel very good. Karen reacted and lost trust in her daughter, but it had nothing to do with her daughter! Ten minutes later Sara ran into the house and said, “Mom, I’m sorry I’m late. There was a big accident on the way home and there was a little girl crying so I talked to her until the police and ambulance came.” Suddenly all of Karen’s thoughts changed in a moment. Everything she’d been thinking and saying before had been nothing more than a story. What stories do you tell about your life? When your busy mind creates stories to justify your feelings, you begin to think that you are your feelings, stories, and thoughts. But you don’t have to think that way. You have a choice. Focus on BEING instead. Take responsibility for your behavior, and let others be responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. So, how can you take responsibility and connect to your BEING? There are so many things that happen in pg. 8 a day, how can you reach for BEING when the
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Connected Families
us is all the same. It is the part of you that knows, “I am.” That’s it! We all can say, “I am” and in that “I am” we are all alike. We are all of value because we exist. When we are connected to our BEING, we feel balanced, free, and an important part of all that exists. “I am” is the smallest sentence in the English language, yet it has the biggest message for you in creating a life of happiness and purpose. “I am” brings you to your BEING, the part that no one can take away from you. There are times when you might feel very connected to your BEING and other times when you don’t. Sometimes what happens around you affects the HUMAN part of you and you may feel like you are separated from your BEING, but that is only a feeling. The truth is that you have the power to connect to your BEING anytime, whenever you get your thoughts and feelings out of the way. The answer to the question, “How do you feel today?” changes on any given day because you are answering from your HUMAN part, and your feelings usually change depending on what’s going on around you. It’s important to pay attention to how you feel, and to learn to notice the stories and excuses behind those feelings. There are as many stories as there are people! For instance, if I told you your grandma is coming to stay with you for a month, you might be happy about that. Another child might feel anxious because when her grandma comes, she has to share her bedroom with her. Maybe another child doesn’t get along with his grandma so it makes him feel sad. The same thing happens but it affects each person differently because each person’s thoughts and feelings come out of their story, which is based on their own past experiences. Imagine that you’re sitting by a lake on a beautiful sunny day. The water is calm and there are a few mallard ducks swimming around not too far off the shore. Two of the ducks start fighting, flapping their wings, and arguing about—well, who knows what ducks argue about?—food, territory, whatever. Then, all of a sudden, they both seem to give up at the same time and in the blink of an eye, the fight is over and they paddle off in opposite directions. With a few shakes of their wings, all the remaining angry energy is released and they float off peacefully, as if nothing had ever happened. “If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck’s story. “I don’t believe what he just did. He came to within five inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I’ll never trust him again. …I’m not going to stand for this. I’ll teach him a lesson he won’t forget.” --Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth It seems silly to imagine a duck thinking that way, but people do that all the time. And, so do you and I. We carry our anger, sadness, anxiety and pain from one situ-
Connected Families
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HUMAN part of you is reacting? The only thing you truly have control over is how you think, feel, and act. The first step is to stop resisting what happens in your life. Things are the way they are right now. Accept it. When you are able to do that you stop being affected by what happens around you and you can focus instead on connecting to your BEING. The same goes for accepting your past instead of resisting it. The past is what it is. Let’s say that someone said something that hurt your feelings. You can make up stories that put more energy into what happened or you can simply accept it. Stop judging it. You may not want it to happen again and you may wish it had never happened. But it happened. You might say, “But I don’t deserve to be treated that way! What that person said was wrong!” Even if everyone in the world might agree with you, does it make you feel any better? You can be right, or you can be happy.1 Which do you choose? When we depend on others saying and doing the right thing in order to feel happy, it’s a temporary happiness, one that we have no control over maintaining. When you accept what is, you open the door to peace, happiness, and love. Develop a practice of BEING each day. Start with deciding what you are going to pay attention to. It might be connecting with BEING by focusing on your breathing, or doing yoga, painting, running, hiking, or playing music. Whatever makes you focus your awareness on something other than your thoughts and feelings. It should take you to an awareness that you’re not just a HUMAN
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DOING, you’re a HUMAN BEING. In each moment there is a chance for you to feel your aliveness. On a sunny day you might close your eyes and focus all your attention to the song of the birds, returning back from their winter journey. Or, if you’re indoors, lie on the floor and breathe deeply. Now focus all your attention and all your thoughts to your toes. Then move your attention to other parts of your body. Focus only on what you are doing. Or, pick a flower and just look at it. Look deep within and pay attention to the details of that flower without using labels. And if your mom or dad is angry about something, try looking at them with all your attention. Focus on who they are and feel what it feels like to accept the moment instead of reacting. See beyond their words to their love for you. All of these are small steps to move from living as a HUMAN DOING to living as a HUMAN BEING. When you see someone acting as a HUMAN DOING, it is a reminder that you can respond as a HUMAN BEING. Stop resisting what life brings your way. Connect with your inner awareness no matter what happens around you. Watch how life changes when you tap into all the energy and power that is. Let your thoughts and feelings guide you in a wonderful creative process, a process in which you find your true self. You are a wonderful and important part of the world. Let us know how you’re connecting with your BEING. E-mail us at:
[email protected]
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Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication Tolle, E. (2005). A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. New York: Plume. Tolle, E. (1999). The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment.Vancouver: Namaste Publishing.
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Answers to March’s Games 1. At the same place because trees grow from the top. 2. None as you won’t find unlisted numbers in the phone directory. 3. The word” Wholesome” 4. The letter “M” 5. JASON (July, August, September, October, and November) 6. See eye to eye (i 2 i’s) 7. You are bigger than me 8. Quite right 9. The aftermath 10. Coliseum of Rome, Italy 11. Simply because one train enters the tunnel at 7 AM as the other enters at 7 PM (Tricky, eh? We only said 7 o’clock) 12. a1, d1, b2, e3, a4, d4, c7, b9, e9, a10.
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Follow the North Star Page 8, Page 12, Page 28, Page 30
Sudoku
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Coloring Page
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That Fishing Feeling
Empowered Kids
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A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids
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y name is Kiefer and I am eleven years old. The other day my dad got angry and yelled at me for not taking out the trash. So, I yelled back and said,“I forgot, okay? Big deal!” He told me not to talk to him that way and sent me to my room. I felt lousy. Why is it that I get sent to my room for doing the same thing he sometimes does? It doesn’t seem fair. After a while I went downstairs and asked my dad if he wanted to talk about what happened. He said,“No. I am still too upset.” That’s not exactly what a kid wants to hear, but I’m not responsible for his feelings so I said,“Okay. Sorry you feel so rotten. Let me know when you want to talk.” Then I went upstairs, feeling better because at least I had tried to communicate. Later on my dad came upstairs and we talked about what happened. He had had a bad day at work and I was busy and totally forgot about the trash. It really wasn’t that big of a deal for either of us, but it sure felt like it was. It seemed silly. He doesn’t usually get so worked up by stuff like that. The next weekend I was going to my uncle Dave’s house so I thought I’d talk to him about the argument. He lives about an hour away and is pretty cool. He doesn’t have any kids but we always have a great time and I can talk to him about anything. He used to be a principal and now he is a life coach or something and he helped me last time I had problems at school. When Dave picked me up, we started down the highway
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By Sue Woodward & Wendy Garrido
and he asked,“So what’s new, Kiefer?” “Nothing much.” “Nothing much! I haven’t seen you in a month. There must be lots of new things. How’s school going?” “School is going pretty well.” “Great, and how are things at home? Is your dad still really busy?” “Well, he just seems…I don’t know. Just not himself.” “What’s not like him? What is he doing that makes you think he’s changed?” “Well, like the other day I forgot the trash and he yelled at me. So I said something back and I got in trouble. That’s different.” “How are you handling it?” “I don’t. I just go to my room and he won’t talk.” “I bet he apologized afterwards, didn’t he?” “Yeah, he said he was sorry but he just seems to be struggling. And, then I start struggling, too.” “Kiefer, that is about the biggest problem any of us have: how to feel centered and okay even when something happens that we don’t like. Too often, something happens and bothers us, and we keep carrying it around long after it’s over. Just like you‘ve been doing about your dad. Even when you talk about it now you seem sad, as if it were still happening. How can we live our lives being who we are instead of reacting to everything that happens in our life?” “I don’t know, and I guess my dad doesn’t know either.”
“How are you doing, Kief?” “Good, I feel focused. Like there’s nothing here but me. Just like when I’m fishing.” “That you that you connected with is powerful. Don’t forget it. You can bring back that feeling anytime. You are not just a person that thinks and reacts, you are much more. Everyday, as I go through my day, I try to remember that feeling and take little steps to get back in touch with it. Your body is always with you, so you can always choose to tune in to these feelings and get out of thinking. We always have a choice. It’s just a matter of deciding to take advantage of that choice more often.” “I don’t see how I can lay on the floor and breathe deeply in the middle of school. People would be laughing at me.” “Good point. But what could you do instead? Maybe just try to pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you’re reacting, take a breath to reconnect with your body and this feeling. Sometimes I get upset and I just can’t seem to help it. That’s okay, too. But we deserve to feel great. Usually my thoughts are the problem. I keep thinking,“I wish this hadn’t happened” or “Why didn’t that happen?” More and more, I learn from my reactions, and the first step is to say, right now, things are the way they are. My life is easier if I accept what’s here.” “Okay. So, what if a kid at school does something that bugs me, what do I do?” “You take responsibility for ‘he bugs me.’ Something inside you is reacting to something that he is doing and your part is the only thing you can change. So you notice that he bugs you, and see that you are reacting. Why? Do you feel better being annoyed? You have another choice, which is to accept the fact that he is just doing what he’s doing. Then, picture yourself fishing and connect with that feeling. Get in the habit of feeling that feeling.” “So, it’s like every time something happens to me I ask myself: ‘How can I get that fishing feeling right now?’ I guess the tricky part is remembering to even ask myself that. Once I remember I have a choice, I’m already on my way to feeling better.” “Exactly, however that works for you. The goal is to be the person you truly are, the one that is important and valuable and loving no matter what. Easier said than done, I know, but that’s life. We’re all learning how to grow from the experiences that happen around us every day, no matter what our age. At least you have a head start on your dad and I!” The best part was when I got home Dad and I fixed dinner together. As he was putting the salad on the table, it dropped on the floor and he started getting upset. “Dad, it’s just a salad,” I said. “It’s not worth ruining our evening over. It’s no big deal. I’ll clean it up and make another one.” Over dinner we talked about my weekend with Dave. Dad and I decided we’d both start practicing being in the moment. I’m excited to see how it goes!
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Empowered Kids
“Let’s just talk about it and see what we discover. First, think of when it’s easy to feel balanced. When you feel really good, when you seem to be in the right place and you’re completely content with where you are in the moment, right then.” “That’s easy. When I’m fishing is one example and when I’m playing my trumpet for fun.” “What does it feel like?” “I just…I don’t know. I feel good. I feel like I belong, wherever I am. There is no pressure, I am just wrapped up in what I’m doing. Time just flies by and I feel calm and relaxed.” “When you’re in that place, do you think about what happened at school the other day?” “No! That’s what I love about it. When I’m fishing, I am just there, watching the water. It’s almost like…I can almost feel when a fish is going to take my bait. I’m totally focused on what I’m doing. The same thing happens when I’m playing jazz. Not when I’m in class, but when we’re jamming. You know, you’ve played with our group.” “I know exactly what you mean. So the question is how can you keep that feeling, that peace, when you’re at school, at home, no matter what happens around you?” “I don’t know. It seems like my feeling good is a result of where I am and what I’m doing. I don’t get how I can feel that way when I am at school--Unless they’d let me fish at school, but I doubt it!” “Well, first, do you see the benefit if you could? Would you like to be able to feel that way all the time?” “Of course I’d like to, I just don’t know how.” “Well, only you can figure out what works for you. I take it a step at a time. Do you want to try some things I learned at a seminar I went to recently? We learned some ways to stay focused and centered. We did a little meditation, some deep breathing, and the goal was to feel the stillness in our body. To get in the moment instead of the past or the future.” “Sure, why not?” I said. Dave pulled into a park where we like to hike. We got out and laid on the ground, under a big, beautiful oak tree. As I looked up in the clear, blue sky, I realized how tall the tree was and how small I was. “Okay. Take a deep breath, Kief. Take a moment to look at the sky and the tree.” “Now, close your eyes and breathe. Feel your toes, your legs, your hands. Feel what they feel like on the inside. Wiggle your toes and focus on how it feels. Now move that awareness to the rest of your body, what does it feel like from the inside? Just focus on feeling that feeling and if you start thinking about other stuff, open your eyes and focus on the sky and the tree again. Then close your eyes and start again.” We laid there for a few minutes, and it was strange. It seemed like all the worries and thoughts disappeared and I was left with...just me. I felt a tingling in my hands moving throughout me.
Passion Matters
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The Gift Within
As an Education Advocate, my work and passion focuses upon gaining an understanding of each child. This process of discovery uncovers the truth about a child’s ability to find success, which always evolves from the belief that “Every child is a blessing.” Within the mosaic of life, each child has the potential to contribute in immeasurable ways and it is our job as parents and advocates to help them discover their unique gifts. Like a detective, love for our children takes us on an adventure, asking us to notice each detail, nuance, and new discovery of who they truly are. In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, “True love is understanding.”
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By Larry Davis
tewart is seven years old and in second grade. He enjoys dogs, video games, and playing in the dirt, just like most boys his age. When you first meet him, there’s nothing unusual about Stewart except for a special look in his eyes. Stewart has charisma. In my role as an Education Advocate, parents like Stewart’s retain me to find solutions to the complex problems underlying their child’s lack of success in school. In this case, school administrators described Stewart’s behavior as severe and requested that I observe him in the classroom. The principal said Stewart was “the most disturbed kid I have ever seen in all my years… we can’t figure him out.” In my profession, that type of broad statement is always a red flag, especially coming from a principal. It’s a sign that, at some point, the entire system has stopped appreciating a child and has given up on understanding him. Instead it focuses on control, management, and containment. Stewart’s parents felt that every time they advocated for their son’s needs, they were stonewalled by teachers and administrators who basically repeated two things over and over: 1) Your child is emotionally disturbed, and 2) Your parenting skills (or lack thereof) are the cause of his behavior problems. When I entered the classroom to begin my observation, it was impossible to identify Stewart by
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while the rest of us are just trying to figure out superficialities like names, job titles, routines, and the like. It’s as if he has radar to determine “safe” or “not safe” within seconds and, his actions follow accordingly. Stewart knew his teacher didn’t like him, so he would deliberately seek the attention of his classmates instead. When he did want the teacher’s attention, he had decided it was in his best interest to call out excessively in order to be heard. My observation of his classroom offered a great deal of information that I used to help the school’s intervention team see Stewart in a different light. After countless meetings, observations, and visits to the principal’s office, Stewart was finally placed in a new classroom. His new teacher, Mrs. Yardley, was experienced and had a large number of tricks and tools to support classroom management, but more importantly, she “got” Stewart. She appreciated and understood him, including his quirks, brilliance, desire to be first, and everything in between. She simply liked him for who he was and he knew it! She saw beyond the labels, the problems, and the excuses to his gifts within. As a result, he was motivated to discover, uncover, and start applying his gifts. After four weeks in the new classroom, a meeting was called to update parents and staff about Stewart’s progress. The principal hadn’t seen him in her office once since he moved to the new class. For the first time, Stewart was experiencing a whole new approach to learning; he was experiencing success. Mrs.Yardley helped explain why when she said, “Stewart seems happy in my class…Sure, he tested the guidelines at first, but when he figured out that I meant what I said and consistently followed through, he was mine. … He has been a great student ever since.” Stewart continues to thrive in a classroom that has consistent guidelines, predictable schedules, regular reinforcement of behavior, individualized and engaging activities, and, most importantly, a teacher who understands and appreciates his gifts, talents, and quirks. Recently I spoke with Stewart’s mother. She was overjoyed and described her son “as a completely different kid.” For the first time since he entered public school, Stewart is handling school appropriately. Not only is he doing well with his studies, he is making friends, getting along, and enjoying the daily routines. Now, instead of being called “emotionally disturbed” he is called a “great student.” It was as simple as discovering what Stewart needed and how to adjust the environment to ensure his success. All kids need meaning and purpose to engage in learning. Doing something for the sake of doing it doesn’t go far. Stewart’s situation demonstrates that, as always, understanding trumps control, inflexibility, and manipulation. Understanding was key to Stewart’s success, and it is what allowed him to discover his gift within. A gift that is obvious when you look in his eyes and see the charisma.
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Passion Matters
behavior alone. The room contained twenty highly-verbal, gifted students who were all clamoring for their teacher’s attention, calling out answers, and randomly talking out-loud to one another. It was immediately clear to me that this first-year teacher’s class management skills were virtually non-existent. The classroom was out of control. Then Stewart was pointed out to me. He was sitting closest to the teacher with his hand raised as he anxiously waited to be called upon. Stewart has an IQ of 140 to 150 and his test scores place him within the top one percent of all second graders. He is what would have once been called genius, or is now referred to as “gifted.” Stewart has also been diagnosed with ADHD. Between his quick mind and his tendency to be distracted, it was obvious that he was struggling to make himself visible within the chaos, while trying to be patient. School staff members tended to focus on the negative labels placed on Stewart, seeing him as an extremely disturbed young boy who needed to be placed in a special class for emotionally-disturbed kids. They ignored the positive labels and never paid attention to his gifts within. From my perspective, Stewart had good reasons for acting out. In fact, his behavior made perfect sense. Stewart’s behavior patterns stemmed from two factors: boredom and poor class management. For Stewart, it’s difficult for his hand to keep up with his mind, which creates agitation and avoidance related to writing assignments. He thrives on hands-on activities but in this classroom, he was asked to do nothing of the sort. To the contrary, everything was based on pen-and-paper tasks, laboriously requiring the second graders to write at length. On top of it, the poor classroom management exacerbated Stewart’s ADHD tendencies, putting him into sensoryoverload mode. Kids like Stewart flourish when guidelines are clearly drawn and classroom routines are predictable and consistently reinforced. In his classroom, this was definitely not the case. In fact, the modus operandi was every student for himself, and Stewart made certain he was first in line, first to answer questions, and first out the door no matter what, even if it meant pushing, shoving, or talking out of turn. Overall, the curriculum was not playing to his strengths and was creating frustration after frustration for a bright kid who needed an expressive outlet. The foundation of all effective educational intervention must start, first and foremost, with a clear understanding of the child. Children’s behaviors almost always come down to cause and effect. Their behavior is best understood in light of what the child perceives is in his own best interest, from his point of view. When we figure out the causes of a behavior, we can get a different effect by changing the cause. For a child like Stewart, relationships are everything. He has a gift of being able to emotionally read “friend or foe,”
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Education Matters
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Empowering Education: Rewired to Read
By Rhonda Stone
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This article is the fifth part of our nine-part series on Empowering Education. he brain possesses an amazing ability to rewire itself to improve our performance at anything from athletics to zoology, including the ability to read. I was touched deeply by this truth when my niece’s daughter, Kayla Rayann, came to stay with my family for six weeks. This bright-eyed girl traveled two hundred miles to stay with us because, at age seven, she struggled with reading to the point that she had failed first grade. She was not alone. Out of seventeen children in her class last year, seven of them (over forty percent) were held back because they could not sound out or otherwise identify words on a list fast enough to be considered “ready” for second grade. The school’s decision came as an upsetting shock to Kayla and her mother, because, up until that point, Kayla had always received A’s and B’s on her report cards. My niece decided that rather than hold Kayla back, they would home school her for the coming year with the goal of enrolling her in third grade the following year. Kayla’s extended family rallied to help. Where reading, writing, and spelling were concerned, they worked hard to help her become better at sounding out words. What they didn’t know—and what many families and educators don’t know—
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is that over-emphasis on sounding out words (decoding) and word-by-word reading can actually cause severe reading problems. In essence, the act of learning involves “wiring” our brains for every skill and process we perform. The act of reading is not a single skill. It is a process that requires complex, simultaneous brain activity to be performed excellently. Any brain “wired” to perform the act of reading by sounding out and/or identifying individual words in isolation is destined to struggle because it focuses neural activity in the language centers of the brain, neglecting all the other information we require to construct meaning from text. My niece loves her daughter dearly and was desperate to help her. She made the decision to send Kayla to work with me and my family to make use of our knowledge of visual processing issues and Read Right methodology. When Kayla arrived, she was a virtual non-reader, meaning that she could laboriously identify a few words when they were isolated on flashcards or word lists, but she could not read a single sentence of text—even short ones—with any clarity or comprehension. First, we had Kayla checked for an undiagnosed visual pro-
to read simple books that we did not read to her and that she had never heard before. At first, Kayla was scared. She loved the “excellent reading” activities because she could partially memorize the stories and use her memory to support the reading process. She liked how she felt and sounded when she read the familiar stories. With the new, unfamiliar books we were taking away her safety net. She struggled with the new activity for the first couple of days. From the day we started working with her, we had never asked her to sound out a single word. Now, with her safety net gone and reading completely on her own, her brain reverted back to its old “wiring”--she began to s / ou / nd…ou / t…ea / ch…a / n / d…ev / er / y…wo / rd…s / low / ly…a / n / d…l / a / b / or / i / ou / s / ly. (Point made.) We followed the instructions and encouraged Kayla to relax, stop sounding out words, and try, instead, to create meaning from all of the “clues” in the text. We encouraged her to look at the text ahead, behind, and in the middle. We told her that just a few letters anywhere in the text would give her brain what she needed to construct meaning. Studies of eye movements have found that excellent readers scan ahead, fall back, and move to lines above and below as they construct meaning. Developing readers have to figure this out for themselves in order to become excellent readers. Being able to accurately evaluate and attempt excellent reading aloud forces the brain to look for all the information it needs to make sense of text. We worked with Kayla for an hour each day, in two thirtyminute segments and never asked her to sound out a single word. Three and a half weeks after arriving at our home, Kayla glowed like a firefly when she read her first chapter book aloud, on her own, with confidence and natural cadence (no ugly and laborious “sounding out!”) Kayla did all the work— we just gave her the right tools and strategies. At some point along this amazing journey Kayla looked up at me with her periwinkle-blue eyes and asked:“Why didn’t they teach me this in school?” “Because,” I said,“most people don’t know that sounding out words can cause reading problems.” Pressed on the point, reading experts will acknowledge that over-reliance on decoding can cause serious reading difficulties. Kayla is on her way to becoming an excellent reader— thanks to her hard work and the “rewiring” she is doing for reading. Changing how her brain performs the process of reading will affect her life in many ways. She’ll be more successful when she returns to school and that success is sure to help her experience less stress and more confidence throughout her life.
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About the Author: Rhonda is a nationally-published author on visual processing problems, a co-author on how children learn, and an advocate for children’s learning issues. She lives in Shelton, Wa with her husband and two children.
North Star Family Matters | April
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Education Matters
cessing problem common in our family. Sure enough, a vision professional documented that Kayla could not focus her eyes and keep them working together when anything was placed closer than twelve to fifteen inches from her face. He prescribed simple eye exercises to do at home and mild prism lenses, both of which allowed her to see text better. We also discovered that Kayla—like my own children—is light sensitive. To address it, we allowed Kayla to choose how much light she uses for reading. She chose to turn off the overhead lights and work by natural light from windows. In addition, she also chose to use a gray-blue clear plastic overlay placed over her book pages to ease the visual stress that bright white pages and black print cause her eyes. Second, we closely followed the instructions and recommendations for working with early readers that Dr. Dee Tadlock recommends in her book Read Right! Coaching Your Child to Excellence in Reading (McGraw-Hill 2005). Kayla already knew the letters and their sounds so we did not need to work on those. As the book suggests, we used wordless picture books to “re-wire” Kayla’s brain so that it would understand that the purpose of books is to tell stories—not…to…identify…words…one…at…a…time. We “read” the picture books to her first, narrating the story and then asking her to ”read” the books to us, telling a story that appropriately followed the pictures. Her favorite was Good Dog, Carl, by Alexander Day, a beautifully illustrated story about a dog that is supposed to take care of a baby. Kayla loved telling us the story. After she mastered picture books, we introduced highly predictable books, which have just a few simple words on each page and are so predictable that you can easily anticipate the next line of the story, for example: “Dogs bark. Dogs bark at cats. Dogs chase cats.” When these were mastered, we moved on to less predictable books with short sentences: “My dog likes to eat. He eats from his bowl. He likes to eat from the table, too!” As instructed, we taught Kayla to keep her focus at all times on constructing meaning from the text and producing excellent reading with each and every attempt. Dr.Tadlock defines “excellence” as reading that always feels one hundred percent comfortable, makes sense, and, when performed orally, sounds as natural as conversational speech. The two most important things children must accomplish in order to become excellent readers are to judge excellence accurately and to create meaning from the text. Children who accomplish this get in the habit of thinking:“Was that excellent? No—I’m going to read it again so that it sounds natural and feels comfortable.” or “Did that make sense? No—I’m going to read it again so that it does make sense.” As with the picture books, we read the short books to Kayla over and over while she followed along until she felt comfortable with them and could read them to us excellently. Kayla mastered the first two tasks very quickly and, when she was ready, we proceeded on to the next step—asking her
Emotional Toolbox
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EFT & Times Tables
By Steve Wells
Emotional Freedom Techniques, EFT, is a great tool to help anyone deal with the negative emotions and events of our everyday lives. It is highly effective in addressing stress, anxiety, phobias, fear, trauma, anger, and sadness. It is as useful in helping a child get over the pain of being called a name as it is in helping an adult gain emotional freedom from childhood abuse. The technique consists of tapping gently on accupressure points while “tuning in” to a feeling or emotion while saying phrases that affirm how you actually feel compared with how you want to feel. The effect is an immediate sense of relief as the “charge” from the negative emotions is released. We believe it is one of the simplest and most powerful tools a parent can give a child, which is why we dedicate an article in every issue about EFT. Find out more at www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com.
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ne evening, our ten-year-old son Josh told us that his teacher was threatening to put him in the lower math class due to his continuing poor performance in mental math tests. At the start of the class the teacher calls out math problems, the kids solve them in their head and write down the answers. Josh only got a forty percent on the test that day and, unless he got at least seventy percent the next time, he would be put in the lower class, where, as he was told, “all they do is worksheets.” We were concerned about the teacher’s approach, but decided to focus on assisting Josh for the time being. Since the mental math questions were mainly based on multiplication tables, we decided to see if we could practice those tables in preparation for the next test. The
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ones Josh didn’t know were 6x, 7x, 8x, and 9x. The minute I sat down with Josh and started to ask him about his times tables, he gave a big sigh and went into a low-energy state, unable to recall any of the tables we were working on. It was clear that this negative mode was affecting his performance at school. When I asked him another question, he sighed again. I asked him if he would try tapping to see if he could feel better about doing his times tables. We have used EFT since he was three years old so he is very receptive and readily agreed. We tapped on the points as we simultaneously talked about math and how he was feeling. He was worried about being moved down to the lower class, so we tapped on that. Most of the time we just talked while
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Step 1: Use the finger Step 2: Tap on points
tips of one hand to tap the fleshy part on the side of the other hand. This is called the Karate-Chop point.
numbered 2-10 about 5-7 times each, starting at the top of the head and working down to the point under the arm.
Say 3 times: “Even though I... • Feel Sad • Hate Reading Start Here • Am mad at _____ • Feel __________ ...I deeply and completely love and 1. Karate-Chop accept myself because I am an awesome kid!” continually tapping, rather than going through the formal process. Each time he came up with another aspect or issue, we did an initial “Even though I feel…I deeply and completely accept myself,” then kept tapping. Josh told me that he felt bad about the teacher yelling at him, so we tapped some more on feeling hurt and scared. Then he remembered other times that the teacher had yelled at him, so we tapped on those, too. All in all, we did about fifteen to twenty minutes of tapping on specific feelings and circumstances, after which we just tapped through all the points continually as we practiced the 6x tables. I was surprised that Josh learned them in a matter of minutes! The next day he came home to proudly announce that he had achieved a ninety percent and told us that he’d been surprised to find that the entire test seemed to be almost completely based on the 6x tables! Things were looking up and I congratulated him on his persistence. That night we did another session, working on the 7x and 8x tables. Again, we tapped on the points while we went through the tables. I encouraged him to recite and visualize the numbers in his head while I tested him. Once again I was completely amazed that he was able to learn them all in a period of about twenty minutes! This, more than any other experience, taught me that when we are emotionally open and ready to learn, it happens easily and quickly. It was clear that his emotional resistance had been the only thing stopping him from being successful. Two days later Josh came home to announce that he had achieved a one hundred percent on the mental math
Emotional Toolbox
EFT Basics 2. Top Of Head 3. Inner Brow 4. Side
of Eye
5. Under Eye 6. Under Nose 7. Chin 8. Collar Bone 9. Rib Cage 10. Under Arm test! Later he got an eighty percent and cemented his place in the class. The next time we were at school, his teacher expressed pleasure and surprise at Josh’s instant turn-around. During the course of the conversation, he also apologized for threatening Josh, saying that he had spoken out of frustration and hadn’t imagined how it would upset our son. He pointed out that in addition to performing better, Josh’s entire attitude and demeanor in the classroom had changed. His general preparation and personal organization skills had improved overall as well. Just a couple of months later Josh received an honor certificate at the school assembly for “Instant and significant improvement in mental math work.” His year-end school report praised his “dramatic improvement in math performance throughout the year.” But the best thing of all is that Josh no longer sighs when he thinks or talks about mental math—in fact, he beams! Besides a big family vacation abroad, the highlight of his year was “Finally learning my tables!”
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About the Author: Steve Wells is a psychologist, professional speaker, and peak performance consultant based in Perth, Western Australia. He teaches and consults with elite athletes and corporate personnel to improve performance and conducts personal development seminars and professional training workshops in Advanced EFT and Provocative Energy Techniques (PET) worldwide. www.EFTDownUnder.com
North Star Family Matters | April
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“I Am” Affirmations
Who “I AM” Matters
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By Dr. Marilyn Powers & Steve Viglione
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A Read-Aloud For Parents & Kids
elcome to our read-aloud column for parents and kids based on The I AM! Affirmation Book: Discovering The Value of Who You Are. We believe that when we discover our true value, we bring that value to our families, communities, and world. There are two ways we discover our value and self-worth. One is through the thoughts we choose and what we believe about who we are and the other is from the messages we receive from our parents, teachers, and other adults. There are over 120,000 copies of the I AM! Affirmation Book in QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “Wow what a great confidence building book! You will realize that our kids here [in Uganda] tend to lack confidence. I firmly believe that this book will contribute to filling a critical social cultural gap. It should assist kids to realize that they each have power/ potential within themselves which they can use to do good and turn things around and make a positive contribution to society and the world. I also think this book is a great instrument in promoting international understanding.” --Rosette Semwogerere, Vice Chairperson of the MS-Training Centre, Uganda, Africa
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North Star Family Matters | April
print; it has been gifted to children in 30 countries and over 600,000 other books have been gifted to children and adults across the world. You can gift books also! AFFIRMATION OF THE MONTH: I Am Patience! And even if I think things go wrong, I know inside me very well, They’ll turn around before too long. I Am Brave! And I allow myself to feel, Each feeling that I have. It’s part of being real.
An affirmation is a true statement, and the truth is that you are a loving, intelligent, caring being full of potential and worthy of love, respect and appreciation. Whatever we choose to say after the words “I am” affect our feelings, moods, and even how we see the world. When they’re positive, these beliefs support us in feeling more confident and capable at school, at home, wherever we are.
calm down. “ I think I’ll try saying these again, take a few more deep breaths and relax.” A few seconds later, she had a flash of memory. She’d taken the notes out in math class to check something and she must have left them in her math folder! She checked and there they were! Later that afternoon when she was downloading her day she told her mom what happened, “Mom, I can’t believe how when I calmed down, it all just came to me. I guess it’s true. Instead of imagining all the things that could have gone wrong, a little patience turned it around.” Things seem to go wrong for all of us some of the time, or at least what happens isn’t what we want or expect. “I Am Brave! And I allow myself to feel. Each feeling that I have, It’s part of being real.” We are brave when we acknowledge and accept our feelings. Then, be patient and discover a way to start to feel better. When we speak an affirmation out loud, it helps us to validate our feelings and open up our mind to find creative solutions. It’s not wrong to feel like things are going wrong. It just is what is. How we react to things going wrong is what makes the difference. Speaking an I AM! Affirmation can make the difference between feeling hopeless and shutting down or feeling acknowledged and ready to move forward. I AM! Affirmations help build our confidence, support us in taking action, and encourage us to share our feelings and have them validated. The outcome is our feeling of success and contentment.
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About the Author: Steve Viglione is founder and CEO of The I AM Foundation and author of The I AM! Affirmation Book. Dr. Marilyn Powers, is the Vice President of The I AM Foundation. They are married and live in California. www.iamfoundation.org
North Star Family Matters | April
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Who “I AM” Matters
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ome days, nothing seems to go right. You feel like you’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed. You stub your toe, you walk into the bathroom door, you spill the milk when you’re making your cereal, and your mom is impatient and snaps at you because you were late getting up. The way you begin your day can set the tone for what follows. When you think nothing is going right, even before you’ve left the house, it can be very discouraging. That’s the moment to affirm and remember, “I Am Patience! And even if I think things go wrong, I know inside me very well, they’ll turn around before too long.” When things are going wrong, and you start to feel upset, say, “I Am Brave! And I allow myself to feel, each feeling that I have. It’s part of being real.” An affirmation spoken out loud can change your focus, lift your spirit, and help you start to feel better about the rest of the day. Michelle had a reading test that afternoon so she decided to spend her lunch hour reviewing the notes she’d be able to use during the test. She went to pull out her notes from her backpack but they weren’t there! What happened? She was always so organized. Where WERE those notes!? She started to feel a sinking feeling in her stomach, and her heart started pounding. “What am I going to do? I spent so much time getting ready for this test! My notes were right here next to my I AM affirmation book and now they’re gone!” she thought, tears welling in her eyes. Then she remembered an affirmation from the book: “I Am Patience! And even if I think things go wrong, I know inside me very well, they’ll turn around before too long.” She took a deep breath and thought, “Even though this feels like this is the worst thing that could happen, if I just calm down it will all turn around— somehow! I don’t know how it could but, maybe…” As she pulled out the book to reread that affirmation, she saw another one: “I Am Brave! And I allow myself to feel, each feeling that I have. It’s part of being real.” She realized that she needed to pay attention to how she felt and took a deep breath to
Guided By NSFM
Guided by NSFM
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By Tanessa Dillard Noll
Look for Tanessa’s article every month as she shares her experiences raising her 16-month-old son, Guy, on the tools and insights offered in our magazine.
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couple of months ago our washing machine stopped working so we washed several loads of laundry at the local laundromat. We left a dryer full of my son’s clothes, and when we went back for the clothes, they were gone. Most of the clothes had been holiday gifts from family and it took a while for me to accept the loss. I just wished I could go back and undo our mistake, which was, of course, not an option. But it didn’t take me long to acknowledge that the love that went into the gifts was still there and we were fortunate that our son Guy still had plenty of clothes to wear. Maybe our loss would even be a gift for a child who needed some clothes. As I reflect on this and other recent challenges, I see how my thinking has been transformed by months of reading this magazine. In the past, I would rarely see an opportunity in the challenges of life situations. Now, when I accept what happens and seek ways to move forward, I find that my family is much better off. This month, for example, I had to adjust to some challenging conditions in order to write this column. Normally I get to write alone in a quiet room, but this month my husband Jesse was ill. As a result, I spent most of the time in the playroom with Guy, who periodically banged on his drums or snatched my paper from me. It was somewhat noisy and chaotic and probably took twice as long to write half as much. But I am able to see that it is all part of the deal in becoming a parent. And along the way, most of the time, I am able to appreciate my son and the opportunity to write.
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A few months ago I started working again for the first time since Guy’s birth and my family has settled into our routine. Jesse gets up and makes breakfast, while I help Guy get dressed, fed, and ready to go to Grandma’s. After Jesse leaves to drop Guy off, I have an hour or so to myself before work, which I use for yoga, cleaning, catching up on bills, emails or even reading. Between this and my daily commute, I am able to enjoy some time for myself on my work days. My biggest surprise in returning to work is that there are so many supportive people around me. I keep feeling as if I’ve lucked out by getting the opportunity to work in such a nurturing environment. I feel respected, challenged, and inspired, so it no longer feels like a job but rather a passion. For the moment, I can honestly say, I love teaching. I didn’t feel so enthused just a few short years ago when teaching seemed like a job, full of mundane tasks and colleagues I didn’t feel connected to. I thought I needed to give up the profession entirely, when in fact, I really needed a different environment and a new approach. On my “days off,” I try to offer Guy as much of a variety of activities as my preschoolers have. We spend time outside, make music, write, read or do whatever it is he is interested in doing that day. He likes to fill every waking minute with action, playing alone sometimes, most of the time preferring to have a partner. I am always on call to participate and continue to be amazed at how much our son changes as the months go by. I was excited to see “A New Earth for Kids” in the March
Whatever happened to all those people who used to love me? While many of the people I recalled in my meditation are no longer living or in my life, I can still benefit from their love. Without it, I am not sure that I can convincingly teach my child that he has value. After all, I am his first role model. I need to show him that I have value, so he can feel safe in knowing he has value, too, just because he exists.
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P About the Author: Tanessa Dillard Noll lives in Belfair, WA. She recently started teaching preschool parttime and before motherhood, she worked with kids of all ages as a tutor, mentor, chat room monitor and teacher. She has degrees in communications and teaching.
North Star Family Matters | April
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Guided by NSFM
issue of NSFM. I ordered Tolle’s book a few days ago and am eager to begin reading it. In the meantime, I studied the questions, applying them to my role as a parent and my work with children. My son is still too young for some of the exercises in the magazine, but I would love to hear from readers who complete the Engage Aloud with their families. Since I’ve started thinking about human doing and human being, I appreciate the people around me more. Whether it’s my husband, son, a friend, a child at school or someone driving behind me, I recognize that every person is a gift. I look forward to reading more in this series, because it has already made me look deeper into my life. The question that made me think the hardest and longest was,“Knowing that each person has value because they exist, how do we empower children with that truth?” When I was in school, I often felt inadequate because of my grades, weight, social status, clothes or any number of things that kids feel self-conscious about. As I think back to those times, I wonder what anyone might have said or done to make me feel valued. I recall a teacher telling my mother how nicely I dressed. Before a basketball game, a coach told me he had been a quiet kid in school, too. This simple comment made me feel as if I mattered, because most people regularly told me I was “too quiet.” In a recent meditation class, I was guided in an exercise that involved gathering all the love I had ever received in my life. I immediately saw names and faces of people I had long forgotten. When I condensed all the love around me, I felt more powerful and creative than I have ever felt. Most of that love came during my childhood. I had been empowered by so many people who took the time to acknowledge my place in the world. Over the years—especially as an adult—I have felt a loss of love. The question often pops into my head:
The Sue-Lution Place
The Sue-Lution Place
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By Sue Woodward
Dear Sue, My seventeen-month-old son has learned how to throw things, with little discrimination as to what he picks up and where he tosses it. He throws balls, telephones, books, and blocks. Sometimes I worry he will hurt himself or others. I know he’s just discovering what his body is capable of, but how can I get him to stop? Thank you, Greta C. Dear Greta, You’re exactly right that he’s discovering what his body is capable of--in addition to discovering how gravity works and how his parents react to his actions. He’s testing the world! Instead of trying to stop him from throwing, help him learn the nuances of appropriate behavior. Even at this young age, the goal is to give him the information he needs to make his own choices rather than creating an environment that limits his choices. Your son understands everything you say, so take something hard and something soft and explain that hard things can hurt people. As you do, tap the object lightly on his hand and show him how differ-
ent soft is compared to hard. Explain that sometimes it’s okay to throw soft things inside the house, but that hard things need to be thrown outside. Let him know where it’s okay to throw things in the house and where it’s not. Put some soft things that are okay to throw in one pile, and objects that are not okay to throw in another pile. Then, ask him to pick out something that is okay to throw in the house. If he picks up an item in the other pile, explain why that one isn’t okay and invite him to try again. Ask him to put all the things he can throw in the house in a special basket. Throughout the process, set your boundaries consistently. First you might try distraction. If he throws his fork at the table, say, “Forks aren’t to be thrown at the table. Do you know what forks are for? Are they for shoveling snow? Oh, they’re not? Well, show me what you do with a fork.” If he throws it again, ask, “Would you like to stop throwing your fork or would you like me to keep it?” Finally, if he does it a third time, say, “I guess you want me to keep it. Let me know when you’re ready to have it back without throwing it.” Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, but make sure that you are encouraging decision making and providing opportunities to make choices. This time is vital for all the wonderful neural connections that he will use in making decisions for the rest of his life.
This column is intended to support readers with general ideas and suggestions, but in no way is to be considered a professional opinion or medical support.
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Dear Sherry, This is a great time to readjust so that you can have a more open, honest relationship with your daughter before she enters her teens. All young children experiment with telling lies as they learn to distinguish telling stories from lying and whether or not it’s always safe to tell the truth. As conscious parents, we want to make sure that, from an early age, we are rewarding the truth instead of punishing the lies. That way, as they move into the teen years, these honest conversations are already a habit and they can “bounce” their thoughts, ideas and fears off of us as part of their learning process. If your priority is to have an open, communicative relationship with your daughter, accept that you may not always like or approve of the things that you hear. The reward for listening to those topics is that you are able to discuss them and offer her support to make good choices in the future, as well as being able to trust that you know what she’s doing and where she is. First, take a moment and look at your reactions to the things your daughter lies about. If your reactions bring up anger, frustration, or guilt in her, she is likely to avoid telling the truth. How would you have reacted if she had eaten fifteen cookies? What would you have said if she had told you she had stayed up until 3 a.m.? If she chooses to eat junk food at school, are you willing to find a way to respect her ability to choose, for example, maybe even suggesting that your family saves the money from making a lunch and let her donate it to a good cause? Are you offering a safe environment for honesty? Her actions are
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Do you have a question for Sue? E-mail it to:
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North Star Family Matters | April
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The Sue-Lution Place
Dear Sue, Recently my ten-year-old daughter has started lying to me. It’s usually about fairly minor stuff, like how many cookies she ate (when I know how many were in the jar to begin with), what time she went to bed at a friend’s house (when I hear differently from the parent), or that she eats her lunch at school (when the school tells me she throws it away and buys junk food). I’m concerned that it’s going to get worse. At least now I can find out or hear about the truth about these things, but in a few years, I won’t have any idea what she’s up to. How can I empower her to tell me the truth? Thanks,
Sherry K.
merely symptoms, the goal is to uncover the underlying emotions that cause these behaviors. Next, we need to make her feel better telling the truth. It starts with using what you know to open new lines of communication. “Sometimes I mean to just have one or two cookies but before I know it, half the jar is gone. Does that ever happen to you?” “Do you like the sandwiches we’re packing for your lunch or is there something else you’d rather eat?” Acknowledge her ability to make decisions for herself and tell her that you’ll respect whatever she decides. When we stop trying to take responsibility for our kids and send the message that we trust in their judgment, they will start making better decisions and start taking responsibility for themselves. For example, next time, before she goes to her friend’s house, you might say, “Okay, well, I trust you to make a good decision about when you should go to sleep so that you’ll feel good for your soccer game tomorrow.” And if she shows up sleepy at the game, instead of telling her what she should have done differently, ask her how her night went and whether she is happy with the time that she chose to go to sleep. Would she do it again? All of us learn from our mistakes. Be grateful that she’s learning these lessons now rather than when she’s in high school or college. Above all, never punish her for telling the truth. When she admits to telling a lie or doing something you wouldn’t approve of, acknowledge your reactions as your own and make sure you show your appreciation for her decision to be honest. Instead of criticizing her, ask her what she thinks and how she feels about her choices and the outcomes. Answer any of her questions with patience, love, and honesty. Let her know how important it is to you to know where she is and who she is with, because you care about her. Did you know that ninety percent of teens in the U.S. lie to their parents about where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with, especially when it involves drugs, alcohol, and sex? The predominant parenting styles in our society make it easier for teens to tell parents what they want to hear because it causes less commotion and stress. Lying is perceived as safer and/or easier than telling the truth. So start building safe, open, conversations today and pave the way to a future full of healthy and honest discussions.
Fun & Games
Games Sidebar Text
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Brain Teasers, Jokes & Riddles
1. Pronounced as one letter but written with three, two different letters there are and two only in me. I’m double, I’m single I’m black, green, blue, and gray. I’m read from both ends and the same either way? 2. Where did the common “military salute” get its start? 3. I weaken all men for hours each day. I show you strange visions while you are away. I take you by night, by day take you back, none suffer to have me, but do from my lack. What am I?
4. There is a barrel with no lid and some water in it. “This barrel of water is more than half full,” said Charlie. “No it’s not,” said Harry, “It’s less than half full.” Without any measuring implements and without removing any water from the barrel, how can they easily determine who is correct? 5. What is always coming but never truly arrives? 6. What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don’t want to use it?
Rebus A rebus describes a phrase by using position, highlighting, size, or color applied to words in a meaningful way. Below are four examples. Can you guess what phrases they represent?
Fill in the blanks below with the numbers 1-9 so that each number is used exactly once in each row, column, and the nine 3 x 3 squares.
8.
7. head cover cover cover cover
knee u r full of 10.
9. stand try 2
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Glance Glance Glance Glance
Solution, tips, and computer program at www.sudoku.com
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North Star Family Matters | April
Where In The World?
the Box
12. A truck leaving New York for West Virginia weighs exactly 2 tons. About halfway through the trip, it crosses a bridge with a maximum capacity of 2 tons--any more weight on it, and the bridge will instantly collapse. Just before the truck crosses the bridge, a 2 pound tree limb falls and lands on the roof of the truck and remains there as the truck crosses the bridge. But the bridge does not collapse. Why?
13. Spot At Least 10 Differences
North Star Family Matters | April
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Games
11. Do you know or can you find out where this picture was taken?
Think
Outside
Family Meetings
Once a week, or as needed, any member of the family can call a family meeting for any reason. Start when your kids can walk and talk! 1. The child or adult feeling most balanced volunteers to lead and opens by stating the agreements. We agree to: • Respect each person’s input • Let each person finish talking • Avoid using limiting or judgmental words such as can’t, won’t, don’t, shouldn’t, no, and not • Focus on what we do want instead of what we don’t want • Focus on the future rather than the past • Give everyone equal respect and equal say in the process and decisions • Commit to communicating until everyone feels that their concerns are resolved. 2. Ask “Is there anything anyone would like to see done differently in the future?” 3. Everyone agrees to work together to find a way to meet that person’s needs.
The CODE
Listen, support, and uncover feelings and needs in compassionate, open-minded ways, as you discover a PLACE of Peace, Love, Appreciation, Concern, and Empathy. Clues for a CODE ALERT Use it anytime you hear or feel: Anger • Fear • Anxiety • Blame • Judgment • Guilt • Yelling • Sadness • Generalizations • Frustration • Hurt. C. Connect Objectively Listen and clarify the issue objectively (no blame or judgment). O. Observe Feelings Identify the emotions under the issue, “I feel _____” (angry, sad, etc.). D. Discover Needs Ask what needs to happen right now to improve their life. E. Encourage Asking Help form a request that meets their needs and ask for it.
Empowering Questions
Downloading Days Every day take 10 minutes per day per person when someone comes home and go through their routine, “I went to school, my first class was___, and then…” including both what you did and how you felt. This helps kids and adults remember the emotionally charged events mixed throughout their day. Make it fun and make it happen. Illuminating Questions When you suspect a deeper issue, ask general questions that open the door just enough to give room for their responses. How do you feel about about yourself? How would you feel about school? How do you feel about your friends?
Conscious Message Filter
Increase Awareness Children construct meaning based on the messages, facts, and information they assimilate, mainly from us. Take time to filter out the harmful or limiting messages that attach themselves to negative reactions (anger, blame, tension, etc). Acknowledge Your Overwhelm If you can’t resolve your negative reactions, take responsibility for them by sharing your struggle with your child and reassuring her that she is not responsible for your negative reactions. *A full version of Connective Communication is available on our website, www.NorthStarFamilyMatters.com for $9.99. **The CODE is NSFM’s interpretation and representation of the ideas for compassionate communication based on the material of Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. as presented in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, www.CNVC.org.
