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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall Datsusara Media LLC or the authors of this book be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book. The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and does not guarantee the successful resolution of your relationship problems. By reading or applying the information in the book, you recognize that you are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal or personal advice. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2010 Clay Andrews, Mika Maddela & Datsusara Media LLC Originally published May 2011 No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Table of Contents If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thingking of Doing Something Drastic...........................................................................6 Who is Clay Andrews?................................................................................7 Introduction..................................................................................................9
What Is Relationship Inner Game?..................................................................................10 Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships...........................................11 This Guide Is About You..................................................................................................11
Part I - Nourishing the Leaves - Cultivating Mindset.............................14
Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back......................................................................14 Are You Acting Out of Character These Days?................................................................14 How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex Is Dating Again....................................15 What the No Contact Rule Really Means........................................................................17 How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Can’t Cut Contact)...................19 Fine-Tuning Your Mindset................................................................................................21 Awareness.......................................................................................................................22
What Is Awareness?.............................................................................................22
How Do You Develop Awareness?.......................................................................23
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset.....................................................................25
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental..................................................................26
Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset..................................................................27
Acceptance.......................................................................................................................27
What Is Acceptance?............................................................................................27
Acceptance and Break Ups..................................................................................28
A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs Wanting Her Back............30
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity..............................................................31
Acceptance Exercise - Mirror Affirmations............................................................32
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Commitment.....................................................................................................................33
What Is Commitment?..........................................................................................33
Commitment Exercise - Changing Course.............................................................36
Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth........................................................37
Integration.........................................................................................................................37
What Is Integration?.............................................................................................37
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak..............................................................38
Advanced Advice for Overcomeing Heartbreak....................................................43
Focus Exercise - Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude...............................................47
Focus Exercise - Burning Away Your Negative Emotions.....................................48
Evaluating What Went Wrong in Your Relationship.........................................................51 Conclusion for Nourishing the Roots...............................................................................51
Part II - Strengthening the Limbs - Your Plan to Get Her Back.............53
Knowing If You’re Ready to Contact Your Ex...................................................................53 Awareness.......................................................................................................................55
Awareness Exercise - Soul Gazing.......................................................................57
Acceptance.....................................................................................................................58 Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity........................................................................60 Commitment.....................................................................................................................61
Commitment Exercise - Holding Your Ground......................................................63
Your Blueprint for Getting Your Girlfriend Back...............................................................64 How to Contact Your Ex...................................................................................................64
Sending a Letter....................................................................................................65
Sending an Email..................................................................................................66
What to Do If She Doesn’t Respond.....................................................................68
What If She Contacts You First.............................................................................68
Asking Her Out.....................................................................................................69
The First Date.......................................................................................................71
Oh My God! There She Is! Now What?..............................................................72
Who Pays for the Date?........................................................................................72
What to Talk About................................................................................................72
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
Key Signs Your Ex Still Likes You.........................................................................74
Second Dates (and Beyond)................................................................................78
Expectations for the Second Date...................................................................................78
On the Topic of Sex...............................................................................................79
How and When to Bring Up the Subject of Reuniting...........................................81
Long Distance Relationships............................................................................................82 What to Do If You Have a Negative Experience with Your Ex..........................................83 What If She Has a New Boyfriend Already?.....................................................................84 If Things Do Not Work Out...............................................................................................86
Part III - Flourishing Leaves - Building a Relationship That Lasts..........88
Awareness.............................................................................................................88
Acceptance............................................................................................................90
Commitment..........................................................................................................91
Common Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them..............................................92
Your Girlfriend Takes You for Granted....................................................................92
Failure to “Really” Talk to Each Other...................................................................93
Too Much Arguing and Fighting.............................................................................94
You’ve Become a Jerk..........................................................................................95
You’ve Become a Nice Guy..................................................................................96
She Says She Can’t Trust You..............................................................................97
How to Keep Passion in the Relationship........................................................................98 Closing Thoughts.............................................................................................................99
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
If You Are Feeling Desperate and Thinking of Doing Something Drastic Relationships are very important to us in our lives. They often rank among the most important things in a person’s life next to family, friends, and career. With that said, when your relationship is suddenly gone, it is easy to feel like you need to do something drastic to get your ex’s attention. Whether it’s hurting yourself, hurting your ex, hooking up with random women, seeking revenge in some way, or stalking your ex, I want to let you know that doing something extreme is not going to get you the attention that you want. Maybe you have fantasies of how some kind of desperate action is going to prove your love to your ex-girlfriend or make her realize how important you are to her. I want you to take a moment and ask yourself if this is something that is really good for you? Is this the kind of thing that you would be proud to say you did? If it isn’t in line with who you are, it is a desperate cry for help or attention and it isn’t something you should probably do. If you really need help, go and ask for it. Seek the help of a therapist if you are in extreme pain and feel like you are on the verge of doing something that you will later regret or that you may harm others. Remember, that you should never use a permanent “solution” for a temporary problem.
I know that there is a good chance you are in a lot of pain right now, but you probably know that this pain will pass with time, one way or the other. So if you feel completely consumed with the pain of grief, loss, or depression, please get up and go talk to a friend or seek professional help right now.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
The best way to get your ex-girlfriend back is to love yourself and become the attractive man that she fell in love with in the first place. That’s what this guide is about.
Who Is Clay Andrews? My name is Clay Andrews. I’m sorry that we couldn’t have met under better circumstances. I know how difficult it is to get dumped by your girlfriend and want nothing more than to get her back. Now, before we get into all the details of this program, I wanted to tell you my own personal story. Now, I’m no “relationship guru” by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never been interviewed on talk shows or anything like that. I’m just your regular guy. I live in Portland, Oregon and I sit in front of a computer all day typing and doing work for my company. Here’s my break up story from a few years ago: Now, my girlfriend Stacy was a few years younger than me. I had just finished college and got my first “real” job about the same time that Stacy was finishing up community college. I remember when she called me. I was at the grocery store doing some shopping. She sounded so excited. She told me that she had just gotten accepted to Central Washington University in Ellensburg, Washington. I suppose if you were to look on a map, Ellensburg isn’t really that far from where I live, but at the time I didn’t own a car (after all, college is expensive). Every other weekend or so I would take the Greyhound bus out to Ellensburg to visit and spend some time with her. Things went great for awhile. I would go out and visit her; she would come out to the “big
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela city” and visit me. But then things started to take a turn for the worse. We had a few arguments and a couple long “talks.” I’m sure you know how those usually go. Anyway, one day, I had gotten home from a long day of work and was changing into a Tshirt and jeans to relax when she called me. She said that she couldn’t “do this” anymore and that she needed to break up with me. I remember hanging up the phone in tears. It felt so unreal. I felt a queasy feeling in my stomach and everything just seemed like it was all some sort of horrible dream. Make that nightmare. Over the next few days, it was a real struggle just to go into work. My mind would keep going back to Stacy. Had she hooked up with that guy she would always talk about in her History class? Maybe if I could just tell her how much I loved her she would come back to me. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly very productive during this period in my life. One night, I was hanging out with one of my close friends when he told me that she actually did hook up with that guy in her History class (his name was Josh). It’s amazing how good your intuition can be sometimes. This made me feel even worse. To think that I was suffering here on my own, while she was enjoying a new relationship with her new boyfriend. I felt like crap, to put it mildly. Things are different now. I managed to survive the heartbreak and eventually rebuild myself following the breakup. In the end, I did get my girlfriend back, however we eventually
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela parted ways a few years later due to other circumstances, but that’s another story. I’ve written for men’s and women’s relationship advice websites since 2009, helping men and women across the world enjoy better relationships. I’m telling you all this because I want you to understand that I really get what you’re going through. I know it can be tough to have your girlfriend dump you. I’ve been there myself. I know what it’s like to have to get up from your desk at work because you feel so crappy that you need to just go to the restroom and cry. I want you to know that all the information in this guide is the very best that I know of and I sincerely hope that you can use it to help you get your girlfriend back and help you become a better and stronger person, both in your love life and in your personal life. Your Friend, Clay Andrews
Introduction Let’s get a few things straight before we dive into this program here. There are a lot of “relationship gurus” that will tell you specific things to do or say to get your ex back. Maybe these things will work, but unless you’re willing to look at yourself and your relationship, and unless you’re willing to change what didn’t work the first time that led up to the break up, you’re relationship will probably end with another break up within 1 to 3 months. This guide isn’t about hypnotizing your ex or using psychological tricks to manipulate your girlfriend back (yes, I’ve actually seen this kind of crap before--maybe you have too). This guide isn’t about pulling a fast one your ex or fooling her into coming back.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
This guide is about improving yourself and taking a close look at why your relationship failed. This guide is about rekindling that initial spark that brought you and your girlfriend together in the first place and allowing for the natural attraction between the two of you to come back (not tricking her into coming back). If you’re looking for sneaky, underhanded tricks to get your girlfriend back, then this guide is not for you. After all, you wouldn’t want to get your girlfriend back by trickery, would you? How lousy would you feel waking up in the morning, looking at her and thinking that she’s not really there because she loves you or because she wants to be with you, but only because you manipulated and tricked her. For me, that would be one of the worst feelings in the world, and not something I would wish on anyone. Wouldn’t it be better to wake up, seeing her there and knowing that she is there by your side because she genuinely and truly cares about you, and that she made the conscious choice to be there with you and give your relationship a second shot? If you want a real and authentic relationship that both you and your girlfriend can be excited about, then keep reading.
What Is the Inner Game of Relationships? Maybe you’ve heard of the term “inner game” before. A lot of guys out in the dating scene use this term to describe their beliefs and mentality about meeting women. After all, if you have “bad inner game” you’ll be too nervous and awkward to approach an attractive woman. On the other hand, if you have “strong inner game” you’ll be able to confidently approach any woman you want and ask her out easily. This guide is going to teach you about inner game for relationships. If your relationship ended with you getting dumped or is riddled with constant arguments and fights, then
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela chances are good that you could benefit from working on your inner game.
Roots and Leaves - An Analogy on Authentic Relationships Try to think of it like this. You know a tree doesn’t grow from the outside in. A tree grows from the roots upward. Your relationship is the exact same way. It doesn’t grow from memorizing tips and tricks on how to manipulate your girlfriend. It grows from the coming together of two unique people with love, affection, and passion. Tips and tricks are like trying to help a dying tree by stapling healthy leaves to it to give it the appearance of being healthy. This isn’t going to make the tree healthy. The tree will still be dying. Even if these psychological tricks did work and your ex did get back together with you, would anything in the relationship be different? No, the same problems would still be there, and it won’t take her long to realize this and leave again. Instead, if you water the roots and make sure they get enough nutrients, then you can get the tree to the point where it becomes healthy again and the leaves naturally begin to grow and flourish on their own. The tree is healthy again to the core. This is what I’d like to help you with in your relationship. This guide is about helping you nourish yourself so that you can be a more genuine and authentic person in your relationship and get your girlfriend back so that the two of you can enjoy a renewed and fulfilling relationship together.
This Guide Is About You You cannot control another person. No matter how hard you try, if the woman in your life is convinced that she is better off without you and she won’t talk to you no matter what
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela you do, there is very little that can be done to fix the relationship. The one thing you can control though, is you. This guide will show you how to be the most real and genuine person you can be. This guide will help you access your real personality and cut through things like desperation and insecurity that are holding you back. This guide will give you the best chance you’ve got at ethically winning your girlfriend back and making your relationship stronger than it was before. The Ex Solution Program is divided into 3 parts. The first section is about you. If you’re anything like me, you were are a complete wreck in the aftermath of your break up. You feel horrible, you can barely function during the day, and you can’t sleep at night. Maybe you’ve done some things that you regret like calling your girlfriend several times a day to beg her to take you back, buying gifts for her, apologizing even though you don’t know what you’re apologizing for, or drunk dialing her. This section is going to help you pull yourself together, get over the pain of the break up, and become the man that she fell in love with the first time. The second section is about her. After you’ve done the appropriate work on yourself to get your emotions under control and really understand why the relationship didn’t work out, this section will show you how to approach your ex-girlfriend and win her back. I know how anxious you probably feel about talking to your ex right now. This section will help guide you by the hand through exactly how you should contact her, what you should do when you meet her, and how exactly you should propose getting back together again. The third section is about your relationship. By this point you should be back together with your girlfriend. But the battle doesn’t stop here. Did you know that most couples that get back together after a break up will only break up again within the next 3 months?
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Here we’re going to make sure that you don’t end up like this. Here you’ll discover the how to maintain a strong and successful relationship that can stand the test of time. If you can get this stuff right, you won’t have to worry about your girlfriend ever leaving you again. With that said, let’s not waste any more time. This next section is about you.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
Part I - Nourishing the Roots - Cultivating Mindset Having the Right Mindset to Get Her Back Things may seem tough right now, and I totally understand how you’re feeling right now. It can seem like your whole life is falling apart. Most of all you feel a little panic, as if she’s going to find another guy to hook up with, and you’ll just end up being a footnote in her life. A lot of guys go a little crazy when they first get dumped and they do a lot of things that just aren’t in character with who they are. In the midst of many breakups a lot of men don’t act like themselves. They might call their ex-girlfriend several times per day, following her every move on Facebook, or even end up stalking her. If this is something you might be doing, then I strongly recommend that you keep reading. It’s easy to get carried away with obsessive thoughts about what she’s up to, why she left you, or if she is with someone else. What did you do to make her leave you? Was it because you weren’t good enough? Sometimes you might even stay up all night worrying about things like this, completely unable to sleep (I know I have). This isn’t a healthy mindset to have if you really want to be successful at getting her back and saving your relationship. What I’ll show you how to do in this guide is to get past the emotional pain of the break up, get your mindset in line with what you need for success, and show you exactly what you need to do to get her back into your life again.
Are You Acting Out of Character These Days? Some people who respond to breakups very irrationally and feel compelled to do things that just aren’t in character with who they are. If this resonates with you, then pay attention to this. I know that the sudden loss of someone you love is unbearably painful. It may feel as if you have this gaping hole in your chest that is causing pain every time you even
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela so much as breathe. Not only is your heart crushed but so is your mind, body and spirit. If you’re thinking about doing something drastic, ask yourself this:
At what point did you decide to give up your own self-worth?
No matter how much pain you’re in right now, you should always maintain your own sense of self-respect and dignity.
How to Calm Irrational Thoughts When Your Ex is Dating Again You need to calm your mind so you can act like yourself and get on the path to getting your ex back. The scariest thought running through your head is probably that your ex is moving on with her life and you’ll never see her again. Do you often worry that she will find another guy better than you or just plain forget you? These thoughts will not help you get your ex back whatsoever. Keep in mind that if you and your girlfriend have been together for awhile, she is still thinking about you just as you’re thinking about her. I can guarantee that. Don’t believe me? Even if your ex-girlfriend started dating again, you’re still on her mind. Why? Because you and your her have a history together. And in that history you two shared a deep intimacy. You shared a certain depth that doesn’t come within the first few months of dating. Deep intimacy is something that takes time to build. Intimacy doesn’t happen over night or even over the course of a few weeks. Yes, it may seem like she has moved on, but the truth is, she still thinks about you. You and your ex shared a certain vulnerability that she hasn’t had a chance to share with the other man she may be seeing. She may try to fake it by bringing her new relationship up to the same level as the one you two had, but trust me, even if the two of them are engaged or getting very serious, it isn’t the real thing. Sooner or later the pressure on the their new relationship will become too
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela much and, like most rebound relationships, it will fall apart. Rebound relationships rarely work out because if your girlfriend jumps into a new relationship before she’s had the time to process all the emotions and feelings of the break up, then all those feelings will be dumped onto her new partner. That alone is enough to end most new relationships. Also, she will often compare her new relationship with the one you two shared. Her relationship with her new boyfriend may be different and new to her, but she will still be thinking about the memories that she shared with you. These will prevent her from truly moving on and enjoying the new relationship despite how rosy it may seem to you from the outside looking in. Some guys might even respond to a break up by trying to date another woman to “get even” or to go out and pick up women at bars or clubs. This isn’t really advisable either since you, yourself haven’t had the time to process your own feelings about the break up. In a way, you’re just bottling them up and trying to ignore your own pain from the break up. Not to mention the fact that if your ex-girlfriend finds out that you are dating someone new, she will probably take that as a sign you have moved on and that she should move on too. So, if you want to get her back, don’t date anyone new--flirting is fine, but nothing more. Or maybe, you just feel trapped in feelings of depression. Maybe you can barely face the world each day. Just going to work or doing basic things throughout the day is nearly impossible with the emotional pain you’re dealing with. Perhaps you’re playing the “blame game.” Do you spend all day analyzing what went wrong in your relationship? If only you had done this and not that, you wouldn’t be going through this painful mess. Does this sound a lot like you? It’s one thing to take responsibility for the breakup but it’s another thing to blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail, so don’t feel like you’re completely to blame for what happened.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
Don’t blame yourself but do take responsibility. You are going to have to own up to what happened between you and your ex. I’m not saying full responsibility but just accept that fact that in some way or another you contributed to the breakup. Key Points and Action Steps:
• Don’t worry if your ex-girlfriend is dating someone new at this point. She hasn’t forgotten you. • Don’t try to date other women in an attempt to make her jealous if your plan is to get her back. • Don’t blame yourself for everything that went wrong. Relationships take two people to work.
What the No Contact Rule Really Means This is where the No Contact rule comes into play. Simply put, all you have to do is completely stop any future text messages, phone calls, letters, emails and so forth to your girlfriend for at least one month. This means ALL communications. This also means no sex. Ideally, what you will be doing is vanishing off the face of the earth, from her perspective. You’re going to do this for three important reasons: First, as we’ve just discussed, you’re going through a lot of complex emotions right now. You probably feel rejected, lost, hurt, and eager to make things right with your
girlfriend. Cutting all contact with her will help you find the time you need to heal and get your emotions back to normal. Second, this is actually what your ex-girlfriend wants. No matter what reason your girlfriend gave you for breaking up with your, or no matter what she said about staying friends, she really just wants space away from the relationship (at least for now).
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
This might be difficult, but she really just wants time away from you and the relationship for now. Instinctively, you probably feel that you need to fix things or that you just need to get through to her and let her know how much you love her to make things better. However, this won’t really work. In fact, it explains exactly why many people’s attempts to get their girlfriend back by calling her several times per day to explain their feelings, beg her to come back, or apologizing for things simply fail. The more you reach out to her, the more she feels like you aren’t hearing her request for space away from the relationship. This makes her feel like she has to pull away even further from you to get the space she wants to think things over and put things in perspective. A lot of guys really screw up their chances of getting back together with their girlfriend or saving their relationship because of this very reason. They may have been perfectly capable of getting her back, but because he couldn’t back off and give her some space, she just kept pushing him away until he was completely out of her life for good. Third, the No Contact rule will also help your girlfriend miss you. By completely disappearing from her life, she is forced to live with the consequences of her choice to break up with you. If you are constantly talking to her on the phone, spending time with her, or even having sex with her, then she really doesn’t suffer much loss at all. She gets all the benefits of having boyfriend, but without the commitment. In fact, she is having it both ways, which really isn’t fair to you. This allows her to use you, if she really wants to. She can date around and enjoy single life, all the while knowing that she can easily fall back on you if things don’t work out. If you just back off and give her that space, she will feel what it’s like to not have you in her life and more often than not, she’ll probably even call you up or ask you to get together with her after a week or two. If it seems like every attempt you’ve made to reach out to
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela her has only fallen on deaf ears, this can seem like a godsend. However, I don’t recommend doing the No Contact rule for the sole purpose of getting her to contact you because she misses you. Ideally, you’ll want to do this for the first two reasons--either to help yourself heal or the respect her wish for space--rather than trying to manipulate or trick her into talking to you. If you’re interested in just manipulating her, then I’m afraid you’ve got a long and probably painful road for yourself ahead. Again, this eBook is about cultivating the inner mindset you need to get your girlfriend back and to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship. Just going after tactics without acquiring the proper mindset is going to make things much more challenging and much less effective. Key Points and Action Steps:
• No Contact for on month will give you time to heal.
• You will be giving your girlfriend the space that she really wants.
• She will be forced to live with the consequences of her decision.
How to Use the No Contact Rule (Or What to Do If You Can’t Cut Contact) The No Contact rule is fairly straightforward. Simply, just cut off all contact with your exgirlfriend for one month. This includes:
• Talking on the phone
• Talking in person
• Having sex with her
• Sending her gifts
• Talking to her friends or family
• Text messaging her
• Emailing her
• Sending her messages on Facebook or other websites
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
• Looking at her Facebook profile or other website profiles
• Instant messaging her
• Any other form of interaction between you and her
Now, depending on your situation, you may not be able to do all of these things. For example, if you work with your ex-girlfriend, you won’t be able to help but see her or talk to her from time to time. If this is the case, just keep the interactions strictly professional. Don’t add any sort of humor or personality to them whatsoever. Just act as though the two of you never had any sort of romantic relationship or friendship at all. This may seem cold, but again, you can’t go giving her the benefits of being in a relationship, such as enjoying emotional intimacy, without the commitment of a relationship. So, basically, cut all contact with her that you can. If you can’t completely cut contact for one reason or another, just keep it professional and eliminate the remaining forms of contact that you can. The most effective way to apply the No Contact rule is to simply vanish off the face of the earth from her point of view. This is especially true if you perhaps did some things that may have been a bit desperate to try to get through to her at initially. Just going completely silent in an instant will make her wonder what happened and it will keep you on her thoughts more than if you specifically told her that you were cutting contact. This will allow her to truly feel the loss of having you around without thinking that it’s just some kind of phase you are going through. You don’t have to do this, but in my experience, just completely vanishing will give you the best results. Either way, stop contacting your ex-girlfriend for one month to give yourself the time to heal, to respect her desire for space, and to make her live with the consequences of her decision.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
In the next sections, I’ll show you what to do during this one month period, how to ease back into communication, and start dating again. Key Points and Action Steps:
• To do No Contact, completely sever all forms of communication with your exgirlfriend.
• If you are unable to completely cut contact due to circumstances, keep your
• interactions professional while eliminating other forms of contact.
Fine-Tuning Your Mindset Now before we go into specific things to do during your one month of No Contact, I want to go over a few simple points that we’re going to be referring to over and over again throughout this guide. These are qualities that you can cultivate in yourself that will help you both in your life in general and in your relationship. During your one month of No Contact, you should work on cultivating these qualities. These qualities are:
• Awareness
• Acceptance
• Commitment
And once you begin cultivating these 3 things in your life, you will start to notice that all your relationship problem will naturally and easily resolve themselves. Once you have all 3 qualities and you can feel completely fine with who you are, the passion will naturally flow out of your relationship and your life. This is the secret to keeping the “spark” in your relationship. The love and romance will flow naturally and you won’t have to struggle or memorize “relationship guru” tips to help you keep your relationship alive and well.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Anyway, here is a detailed description of the 3 elements and specifically how they relate to you as an individual (don’t worry, in the upcoming sections of this book, we’ll cover how to use them when relating to your girlfriend and your relationship as well).
Awareness What Is Awareness? Why is Awareness so important to you and helping you get your girlfriend back or sustain a relationship? Think of it like this: Imagine you look out the window and you see a man walking down the street. Not on the sidewalk, but in the middle of the street. There are cars swerving around him and honking their horns at him, but he is completely oblivious to them. You rush outside to help him. You warn him about all the danger he is in by walking down the middle of the street. You tell him that he might get hit by a car, but he simply brushes everything you say off as not true and keeps marching down the middle of the street. You follow him, concerned for his general safety and you see him about to walk up a freeway onramp. You know he’ll be in even greater danger if he makes it to the freeway. It’s not a matter of if, but when, he’ll be hit by a car traveling at 60 miles per hour. You beg and plead for him to stop doing what he’s doing, but he tells you that it’s completely safe and that there is no danger. Now imagine for a moment that there might be ways that you could be sleepwalking through your own life and your relationships in this way. Or think of it like this. Imagine what it is like to be a goldfish, spending your entire life swimming in water. If someone asked you about the water you were swimming in, you wouldn’t know what they were talking about. As a goldfish, you spend your whole life in water, so you don’t really understand what water is because you’ve never been outside of
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela it. You’re so involved in it, so swimming in it, that you don’t even realize it’s there. At all. Awareness is about finding that realization when you finally “get” that you’re swimming in water, sometimes for your entire life. Awareness is about seeing how you’re being and what you’re doing both consciously and unconsciously in your relationship with yourself and with your girlfriend. Could it be possible that there are things in your life and in your relationships that you are completely unaware of, but are actually very damaging to you and the very relationship you want to enjoy? Cultivating Awareness is about learning to see the things that you do and the dynamics in your relationship that you were previously unaware of. By gaining Awareness into small (or big) things that you were previously unaware of, you
can suddenly have the power to choose how you respond to them instead of merely sleepwalking through your relationship and your life like our friend in the street or the goldfish from the above stories. Building Awareness is about waking from the places in our lives where we are sleepwalking and beginning to consciously decide how we handle the situations we encounter in our lives and in our relationships. To put it in other words, Awareness gives you the power to choose how you respond to something, where before you may have only been reacting automatically.
Awareness is about choice.
How Do You Develop Awareness? You will naturally start to become more Aware when you practice being in the present moment.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably heard that phrase before, being “in the moment,” but aside from some hippie talk, you really don’t understand what it means. All it really means is bringing your full attention to this moment as it is happening right now. You see, not many people really live in the moment. They get distracted by their mind and it takes them off to places other than the present where they lose Awareness. Whenever you are not in the present moment, your mind is either in one of the following 4 places:
• In the past - If only things could be good like they were when we first started dating
• In the future - What am I going to say if I see here this weekend?
• Judging yourself - I’m such a loser for not showing her how important she is to me.
• Judging others - How could my girlfriend be so insensitive and date someone new so soon?
If you ever catch yourself thinking of any of these four things, you know you are not fully in the present moment. The present moment has nothing to do with the past or the future, and it cannot judge anyone or anything as good or bad or anything else. The present simply is. There is also no suffering in the present moment because that requires that you compare the present to something else. If you are feeling horrible about your break up or because you miss your girlfriend, there is a very good chance that you are not being fully present. This doesn’t mean that you should bottle up your feelings or push them aside. If you genuinely feel sad in the moment, then you can and should express that sadness, but to numb yourself from it or to obsess over it is definitely not Awareness.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela
Key Points and Actions Steps:
• Awareness is about choice.
• Awareness is about waking up to what is really going on.
• Do the following two exercises to help you expand your Awareness on a regular
basis.
Awareness Exercise - Mental Reset For centuries, many cultures have stressed the importance of meditation in helping you to live in the moment. Now, I’m not saying you need to go up into the mountains and meditate for decades on end to start to build Awareness in your life. All you need to do is practice this simple meditation exercise for about 5 minutes per day to help bring your focus back to the present moment: Find a quiet place where you can be alone for about 5 minutes. Maybe this is a room in your house, a park down the street, or maybe just in your car while its parked in the driveway. Close your eyes and simply focus your mind on your breathing. Only pay attention to your breathing. If at anytime you notice your attention goes to something else, let that be okay and simply bring your attention back to your breath. If you try this, you’ll probably discover that this is incredibly difficult to do. Don’t feel bad about that (after all, that’s a judgement of yourself, isn’t it?). It is quite difficult to tame the “monkey mind” from running amok from one thought to the next, but with some work you can begin to find calmness and the ability to dwell in the present moment. This exercise is a great way to deal with stress in your life, either from your relationship or from anything else. Simply take a few minutes each day and focus on your breath, and you’ll be surprised not only at how much more Aware you feel, but also how this dramati-
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela cally decreases your stress.
Awareness Is More Than Just Mental Don’t think that Awareness is just about focusing your mind though. Although Awareness is very much about your mental focus on the present moment, it is also about bringing your physical body into the present moment as well.
Maybe this is something you might have difficulty believing if this is the first time you’ve ever heard something like this before. But our physical bodies are very much connected to how we feel and what we think. Remember the last time you were really stressed out about something? If you’re like most people, you probably started to feel tense in your neck and shoulders. If the stress went on for quite awhile, like say a few weeks, chances are it just became “normal” to you and you just kept going through your life day in and day out so accustomed to stress that you no longer even noticed it. But your body didn’t forget. Your shoulders and neck still stayed tense, like when you have stress knots in your shoulders. You see, we can store forgotten emotions in our bodies. After awhile, these parts of our bodies just go numb to a certain extent. I don’t mean numb in the same way as you would feel if your leg fell asleep, but numb like this: Can you feel your belly? What does it feel like? Are there any muscle in your abdomen that tensed up right now, that maybe you didn’t realize until just now? Can you feel your abdomen brush up against your shirt as you breathe in and out? Now if you’re like most people, then you probably didn’t notice much at all. It’s actually fairly common for people these days to be completely numb or not “in” their bodies at all. Don’t worry though, with practice you can start to drop into your body and really begin to feel your body again.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Awareness Exercise - Physical Reset This is a simple exercise you can do to start to get back in touch with your body. Find a quiet place you can rest undisturbed for about 5 or 10 minutes and close your eyes. Now, focus your mind on your feet. Can you feel your feet pressed against the floor or the inside your shoes? What do they feel like? Are they tired? Slowly, one bit at a time move your attention from your feet to your toes, ankles, shins, knees, thighs, crotch, hips, belly, chest, shoulders, arms, face, forehead, scalp, neck, upper back, lower back, and buttocks. Take the time to really feel each of them and notice how you hold each part of your body. Notice places where you are tense or numb. Again, don’t worry if this is difficult for you, or you don’t particularly feel anything the first time you do this. Keep practicing it and you will start to develop that Awareness of your body and how it feels. This exercise may perhaps be easier for you if you were to listen to a recording guiding
you through it. Please listen to the recording you got with this product titled Physical Reset to help you with dropping into your body.
Acceptance What Is Acceptance? If the first step in authentic relationships is building Awareness, then the second is Acceptance. Awareness deals with what you are aware of and how much of yourself you bring to the relationship or to your experience of life, both mentally and physically; Acceptance deals with how much you are willing to accept what you are noticing with your girlfriend, yourself, or your relationship.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Acceptance is difficult to describe, but it is often easier to describe what it is not. You are not in Acceptance when you feel like your girlfriend needs to be a certain way or do certain things (this includes getting back together with you). You are not in Acceptance when you feel that you need to be a certain way in order to be loved or to love others. You are not in Acceptance when you feel that your relationship needs to be a certain way or look like something else in order to be happy (or if you are resisting and fighting against the fact that you broke up). To put it in other words, you are not in Acceptance whenever you resist what is happening or what happened, when you try to force someone into a box or you “need” them to be a certain way, when you are attached to something playing out in a specific way. Acceptance is complete detachment from any outcome. I know this may be challenging for you, but if you let it be okay that your girlfriend broke up with you, then your chances of getting her back will dramatically increase. Now when I am recommending that you detach yourself from any given outcome and let what happens be okay, this doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the break up or that you should be happy about it. It simply means that you don’t resist it.
Acceptance and Break Ups Now, if you’ve been dumped and you’ve maybe done a few things you probably aren’t particularly proud of in the past few days or weeks, there’s a good chance you haven’t been accepting the break up. When you are out of Acceptance, you will tend to overanalyze everything trying to see if it is going well. You will worry about all the little things your girlfriend does. You’ll hang
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela on every Facebook update, you’ll try to read into every conversation she has with you looking for signs that she misses you, you’ll worry about if she has a new boyfriend or not. Maybe you’ll try to do things to get your ex back. Maybe you’ve called her, begged for her to take you back, or tried buying her gifts. Maybe you’ve even learned a few of those manipulation tricks that other people teach. But you know, those don’t work otherwise you wouldn’t be here now. The problem with them is that they involve trying to get your ex back. And when you are
trying to be something or do something to win your girlfriend back you are not accepting the reality, which is that she wants space from you and the relationship. And we all know that the harder you try the harder it is to get her back.
When you adopt Acceptance, you don’t have to try to get your girlfriend back, you can simply accept the break up and respond from there. This isn’t something you can fake. If you pretend to accept it and you’re not really, then it will come across as phoney and you’ll just seem apathetic and distant. Again, this isn’t something that is easy to do, but if you can get this, then it will just blow open doors of possibility with you and your ex. To put it another way, Acceptance is about being emotionally okay with what is happened in your life. By “emotionally okay” I don’t mean that you are happy about what happened, just that you accept that it happened and you aren’t resisting it. When you resist something like a break up, you add extra emotional suffering to it and you try to fight against reality. When you accept it, you may still feel sadness, but you won’t add extra pain to it by resisting it, and you will also be in a much more balanced state of mind to take effective action to get your ex back.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela A Special Note About Needing Your Girlfriend Back vs. Wanting Her Back I know this applies to a lot of people who have been dumped, so I want to take a moment
to ask you if you feel that you need your girlfriend back or if you want your girlfriend back. Maybe you’re wondering what the difference is. There is a huge difference between wanting or needing your ex.
Needing someone to love you is very unattractive and unappealing. When your girlfriend left you, you found that your life had a sudden void in it. That’s why many guys can’t help but feel like they need her back. This is where you’re going to have to change your perspective. You can carry on with your life without her. There is a huge difference between needing someone or wanting someone. For example, picture two guys at a bar. One is just a normal guy and the other one is
an alcoholic. The normal guy thinks it would be fun to have a few beers and hang out
for a bit, but the alcoholic feels that he needs alcohol in order to deal with his life. Do you think these two men would make different choices throughout the night? How about throughout their entire lives? Which do you think is more likely to enjoy himself and just be happier in general? Which do you think is probably more fun to be around? Now, consider two guys who just got dumped by their girlfriends. One would like to have
his girlfriend back and the other needs his girlfriend back. Do you think that these two men would make different choices when dealing with their ex-girlfriends? Do you think that these men would likely get different results when it comes to actually getting her back? You better believe it! You see, if you feel like you need your girlfriend back, she’ll pick up on this. She’ll know that you’ve got it bad for her and she knows that she can come back to you whenever she feels like it. She’ll go out and date all kinds of guys with the security of knowing that you are her fall back in case anything goes wrong. Maybe she doesn’t consciously think this,
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela but on an unconscious level, she probably does. Or, if you approached her from the standpoint of needing her back, you would act and
behave in a very different way than if you wanted her back. You probably already know this. As an extreme example, this is the difference between the guy that begs and pleads for her to take him back verses the cool and relaxed guy and masterfully wins back her love with charisma and charm. You have to understand that your girlfriend broke up with you for a reason. There is no way that you can convince her to take you back with logic, explaining, or apologies. You can not control anyone’s emotions or thoughts. Trying to change her mind or convince her that she is making a mistake will only make you look more desperate and undesirable. Who wants someone in their lives that tells them what they do or don’t want? Not many people, and I’m guessing your girlfriend is no different. Key Points and Action Steps:
• Acceptance is about being okay emotionally with what is happening.
• You are not in Acceptance when you resist or fight against what is.
• There is a huge difference between needing your girlfriend back and wanting her back • Do the following two exercises regularly to cultivate Acceptance.
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity Simply find a place to sit down. This could be anywhere such as a park, the mall, or anywhere else. Then simply just soak in everything you see and experience. Notice if you put any judgments on anything. Such as “that screaming baby is annoying” or “that girl is so hot, she’d never talk to me.” Get in the habit of simply being around other people without having to judge or label them.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Simply soak them in and let them impact you. When you notice that you start to label someone or put them in a certain category, try to remind yourself that these are real people who all have their own dreams, fears, and aspirations. They have their own feelings just like you, and do their best to find their own small piece of happiness in this world, the same as you do. At the same time, notice how you feel in your body or any passing thoughts in your mind while you do this. Again, the idea isn’t to judge or label anyone. Just notice your body and your thoughts and try to just treat them like clouds passing through the sky on a summer day. This will probably be difficult at first, but with more practice you can start to let go of the part of you that judges, categorizes, and labels your experience of the world around you.
Appreciation Exercise - Mirror Affirmations An important distinction to make is between need and desire. Again, if you approach your ex-girlfriend from a needy place, you will be much less likely to get her back. The main difference between neediness and desire is this:
Neediness = I’m not okay without her
Desire = I’m okay without her, but I still want her
This is an enormous distinction to make. Neediness is unattractive because, in a sense, you become dependent on her for your emotional well-being. No one likes that kind of pressure placed on them. The goal isn’t to become needless. That would just strip you of your own humanity. The goal here is to shift from looking outside of yourself to meet your emotional needs to finding ways that you can satisfy your own emotional needs yourself. For example, many people going through a break up will feel absolutely miserable and look to their ex and her
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela reactions to determine how they feel. Instead, you will have a much easier time if you can learn how to base how you feel on yourself rather than other people. A good way to do this is to stand in front of a mirror every day (preferably before going to bed or after waking up), stare yourself in the eye, and repeat an affirmation such as “Everything is okay” or some other custom affirmation that you might find more useful for 10 to 15 minutes. Here are a few affirmations you might want to consider:
• Everything is okay
• I am okay
• I can handle this
• I love myself
You can also come up with other affirmations on your own. Just remember that the best affirmations are stated in the present tense (“I am okay” rather than “I will be okay”) and reflect something positive (“I love myself” rather than “I don’t hate myself”). The act of staring yourself in the eye in a mirror is extremely important. You may have done affirmations before with little results, but if you try doing them in a mirror on a daily basis, you will super-charge them. Staring yourself in the eye gives you the experience of focusing on someone and being focused on by someone simultaneously. A lot of people resist this (ever notice how few people keep eye contact?) and doing this practice will help you build the capacity to handle a lot of emotional intensity.
Commitment What is Commitment? By Commitment, I’m not talking about what most people think of as Commitment. I’m not talking about wedding bells or any of that. The type of Commitment I’m talking about how committed you are to your core beliefs and values, both for yourself and the relationship.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela This is the foundation of trust and devotion from your partner. You see, a lot of guys, especially guys that have just gotten dumped, recently tend to feel very shaken. Your relationship is one of the most important things in your life, and when it suddenly disappears, you can understandably feel like your entire life is spiraling out of control. Learning Commitment is about learning to own your experience and to be honest about how you are feeling. Commitment is about acting with integrity. For example if one of your friends heard about your break up and asked you how you were feeling these days, you would not be owning your experience and speaking your truth if you told him, “I’m doing fine” when on the inside you really felt lousy and depressed. On the other hand, you would be owning your experience if you told him “You know, I actually feel pretty cruddy these days. This break up is pretty tough for me.” Now you don’t have to start crying or anything like that, but the simple fact that you spoke your honest truth and owned your experience means you were acting with integrity and Committing yourself to being honest and transparent. Similarly, I know of a guy that I was helping with his break up. He was 22 and his girlfriend was 20 years old. In the United States, where he lives, you’re not allowed to purchase alcohol until you’re 21 years old. His girlfriend was having a New Years party (which he wasn’t invited to by the way) and she asked him to by alcohol for her and her friends. He declined, thankfully. This is a great example of acting with Commitment to your values. He showed a huge back bone by not caving to her every whim in the hopes of getting her back. If you’ve already done a few things that you normally wouldn’t just to try to win the favor of your ex-girlfriend, that’s okay. Just recognize that you compromised your integrity and hold true to your values moving forward.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela A good way to tell if you are not acting with integrity is to notice any time you feel bad after doing something. Guilt or shame is a huge indicator that what you did is not in alignment with your core values. (Note: This doesn’t mean that what you did was wrong, just that, at least part of you, doesn’t believe that you should have done that. Many people have psychological complexes that make they feel guilty for things that are really perfectly innocent, like asking for help, for example) Another way to tell you aren’t owning your experience is any time you say something that can be argued. For example, if you were to ever say something like “my girlfriend is such a bitch for dumping me!” that would not be acting from a place of Commitment. That statement can be argued and thus it isn’t your real, genuine experience. However, if you said something like “I feel betrayed and angry that my girlfriend dumped me,” then that is owning your truth. The difference is subtle, but it makes a world of difference. No one can really debate how you feel, but it certainly is debatable whether or not your girlfriend is a “bitch.”
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Commitment is acting in accordance with your own values.
• Commitment is owning your own experience and speaking your truth.
• If you feel guilt or shame after you did something, you are probably not in
alignment with your values.
• This does not necessarily mean what you did was wrong.
• You are speaking your truth if no one can argue against what you say.
• Do the following exercises to help you cultivate Commitment in your life.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Commitment Exercise - Changing Course Commitment and integrity is about more than just doing what you say you’re going to do and showing up on time for meetings. It is about living in alignment with your beliefs and values. We’ll get into this more in a bit, but can you think of anything that you feel deeply compelled to do--maybe you even know that you should do it--but you just haven’t done it for one reason or another? Maybe you want to get a better job, maybe you have been putting back going to school, or perhaps you know you should be doing something like the one month of No Contact we talked about earlier. If you feel pulled to do something for your better good, but you haven’t done it yet, this is the perfect time to do it.
Choose one thing you can do to make your life better and commit yourself do following through on it.
Sometimes it is difficult for people to get the initial momentum they need to follow through with something, especially if they have been stuck in a rut for awhile. If that is you, here is a trick you can use to help leverage yourself. Say, you’ve decided you’re going to start exercising and lose some weight. Set a measurable goal such as “I will exercise at the gym at least three times each week.” Then tell a friend about this goal. In order to help you follow through have him check up with you regularly as an accountability update. If you ever fail to go to the gym 3 times in a week (or whatever), you owe him $20 or some other form of “punishment.” Oftentimes we may let our goals slip, but if there is money or something else important to us on the table, we are more likely to follow through.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Commitment Exercise - Speaking Your Truth Feel free to disagree or to be vulnerable. A lot of people have a difficult time disagreeing with others, and guys especially have a hard time being vulnerable with their emotions. In your daily life, practice either disagreeing with others when they say something that you genuinely disagree with --or-- try being completely honest and transparent with your feelings and your experience of your life the next time someone asks you how you’re doing. If you are like most guys, it is probably difficult for you to express your emotions. Men, at least in western countries, have a notion that “real men” don’t have feelings. This really isn’t the case, but still it might take some time to overcome the societal conditioning. It may make you uncomfortable at first, but trust me, it will really help you down the road. So, either notice times when you feel compelled to say “yes” when you want to say “no” and find the courage to actually say “no” --or-- find the courage to honestly share your feelings with someone even though it may be uncomfortable for you. What you may discover is that speaking your truth actually makes things easier than holding it back.
Integration What Is Integration? This section cuts across all the previous three levels we’ve discussed so far. This section is about learning to feel perfectly grounded and accepting of yourself as a whole, but also realizing that you are not perfect and committing yourself to constantly moving toward becoming your best self. Integration is difficult because every person has their own unique sets of limiting beliefs
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela and emotional wounds. However, moving forward with this section of the guide I’ll share specific things you can do to help you blast through limiting beliefs and heal emotional wounds. At one point in your relationship, you and your girlfriend were crazy in love with each other until the stresses of everyday life caused negative emotions to build up and tear your relationship apart. All you have to do is get yourself back to being that man she fell in love with in the first place and all the work is done for you. Here’s a hint: You already are this man. You just need to shed the negative emotions and get out of any rut you may have fallen into before the break up. Now, I’m going to take you by the hand and help you get your emotions in check and overcome the pain of heartbreak so you can approach your girlfriend with the best mental attitude in order to get her back.
How to Overcome the Pain of Heartbreak If you’re like most people that get dumped, you probably feel pretty low right now. Maybe it even seems like a real struggle just to get through the day. Every morning you get up and go to work, you have to pass by all the restaurants and other places that you and your girlfriend went to and shared good times at. It can feel like a real painful burden to deal with. But here are a four things you should be doing on a regular basis to help you get over your heartbreak. It is especially important that you do these during the one month No Contact period. First, take the time to reconnect with friends and family. A lot of people, men especially, tend to put their other relationships on hold when they get a girlfriend. Suddenly, nights out with the guys end up becoming nights in with the girlfriend, a DVD, and a bowl
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela of popcorn on the couch.. Try to reach back out to your friends and family and restore the connections that were there that may have slipped a little while you were with your girlfriend. Your friends are there for you. They understand that you’re going through a difficult time right now, and I’m sure that most of them want to make sure that you’re doing okay. Your friends and family are great for helping you get out of the house and avoiding those days where you feel like you’ll just end up moping around in a bad mood. They’ll remind you all the good times you’ve shared together and they’ll help you build new happy memories. They’ll show you, in a way that conventional wisdom and well-intended advice cannot fully get across, that life really does go on after a break up. At first it may seem hard, but with your friends by your side, you will eventually learn to laugh and enjoy life again by building new memories, sharing jokes and reminiscing. Make an effort to do at least one social thing each week (bonus points if you do more). Secondly, broaden your horizons and make new friends. In addition to rebuilding and strengthening your relationships with friends and family, it’s a good idea to get out of the house and do something new. You can take classes, join groups, or even volunteer to help people in need. Pretty much anything that gets you out and away from the temptation of letting depression and sadness get the upper hand over you. This will help you because it will keep your mind focused on something positive and productive, rather than the pain from your break up, it helps you meet new friends and interesting people, plus it will give you something intriguing and new to talk about with your ex-girlfriend when you meet up with her again after the one month of No Contact.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela A great way to find groups, classes, or volunteering opportunities near you would be to simply spend more time in your neighborhood. Go down to a nearby coffee shop. Many of these have a community bulletin board where people can post flyers about things happening in the area. Most towns also have a free weekly newspaper that usually covers “hip” or “trendy” things like what all the cool kids are up to or which bands are playing in town and off-beat commentary on local news. Anyway, flipping through one of these papers can help give you ideas about things that are going on as well. Plus, many of these papers also advertise specific classes or events that are being offered in your area. Another good resource, is to check out the website www.meetup.com. This website is an online listing of countless groups of people in cities across the world that meet for a common interest. Group topics range from the normal things you can easily think up (pet lovers, hiking, poker) to more... um... eccentric topics (vampire groups, nudity groups, flash mobs), so no matter what you’re in to, you should be able to find something that matches your interests, especially if you live near a fairly large town. When you go to one of these classes or groups, it is a good idea to try to make friends with other people there. This will help to build your social circle even more, which will only help get you out of the house more and keep your mind away from negative thoughts about your break up or your girlfriend. Third, do something to improve yourself. Maybe you’ve got a few pounds to shed, maybe you spend too much time at work and neglect to do things for yourself, or maybe you need to try harder to get a promotion at work or a better job. Maybe this is even the reason why your girlfriend said that she left you. Either way, we’re all imperfect people and there’s always something that we could be working to improve. Use the one month of No Contact time to work on improving this part of your life. Hit the gym, take some time for yourself, or work for that new job.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Doing this will help you feel better about yourself as you start to make progress toward a goal. This will help you chase away those negative feelings of sadness and depression and help get the momentum you need to start building some positive feelings of achievement, satisfaction, or just plain happiness in general. Additionally, when you see your ex again, you’ll be able to tell her about your self-improvement. This is even better if she can see the results for herself, such as taking better care of your body. She’ll probably find this very attractive, since women like men who are headed somewhere in life. You don’t have to achieve everything, but if you can at least show that you’re making progress, it will go a long way. If you show her that you’re the kind of guy who can recognize that something isn’t working and take action to change it, she’ll see you in a good light and she’ll be more likely to want to be part of your life again. Additionally, she may feel like you’re moving on without her and that she is losing her hold on you. Although, I don’t recommend pursuing self-improvement for this reason, this will make her want to take action to make sure that she is still important to you. This, of course, may seem a bit like manipulation, but if you’re making changes in your life for the right reason, then this isn’t something you need to worry about.
Fourth, resolve the emotions you’re feeling about the break up. It’s no surprise that break ups can really leave a deep emotional impact on our lives. After all, our relationships are one of the most important parts to our lives. Now, I know that you’re a guy, and the topic of feelings and emotions may not seem very manly, but trust me, this is important. Besides, being a man isn’t about denying or ignoring your emotions and putting on a strong facade while you are really suffering inside, just as it’s not about being prey to getting caught up in the melodramatic whirlwind of them either. You can actually feel your emotions without getting caught up in them. The difference is subtle, but it can d a lot for your own personal experience of life. For example, if you got fired from your job for some reason, you could feel bad about that and then
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela take action to find a new job and bounce back, or you could feel bad and get caught up in that feeling, spending weeks feeling depressed and rejected while you mope around the house. You have to find a balance. A real man owns his emotions and experience. He holds them true without denying them. At the same time, he doesn’t let them control him. He can maintain his composure without being pulled off course and getting lost in his emotions (remember that section on Commitment?). I strongly recommend that you get a journal and write in it on a regular basis about how you feel. I have personally kept a journal since I’ve been in high school and it has really helped me deal with some difficult emotional times in my life, including my break up. A journal is, in many ways, a safe place to vent and express how you feel. After writing about it, you’ll usually feel much better. Plus, months or years down the road, you can look back and see how far you’ve come and how much your life has changed. There is an important guided meditation included with this eBook that will help you overcome the intense pain of heartbreak. This is in MP3 format and can be played on an iPod, iTunes, or most major audio players. It is called the Funnel Meditation. This guided exercise will help suck the painful emotions out of you and help fill you with positive and healing feelings. During the next few weeks, do this exercise as often as you want to help you whenever you’re feeling down. Since this is best done while relaxing and listening to audio, I won’t bother to describe it here. Whenever you need a little help to get through the day, give it a listen.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Key Points to Healing Heartbreak
• Strengthen relationships with friends and family by making the effort to spend
time with them at least once per week. • Spend more time out of the house taking classes, joining groups, or
volunteering. Try to do this at least once per week. • Resources for finding things to do in area
• Local coffee shops
• meetup.com
• Newspapers
• Identify something you can do to move your life in a positive direction and work on that for at least the next month. • It isn’t healthy to bottle up your emotions and pretend you’re not in pain or to fall victim to them and get lost in a dramatic whirlwind of feelings. • Get a journal to record your thoughts and feelings. This will help you deal with your emotions in a healthy and safe way.
• Do the Funnel Meditation as often as you need to help you release any unpleasant feelings.
Advanced Advice on Getting Your Mindset Right and Overcoming Heartbreak When you have a clear vision of what you want for yourself and focus on it regularly with desire, you will find a way to get it. So then the most important thing you can do to keep your thoughts positive and upbeat is to focus on what you want.
Focusing on what you want is the single most important thing you can do to feel better about yourself, your life, and your circumstances. At any given time you have the choice to either focus on what you want or to focus on what you don’t want. For most people, they will just let their mind run on autopilot and let
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela it focus sometimes on what they want and sometimes on what they don’t want. When you focus on what you don’t want, you will have thoughts like:
• “If I don’t get my girlfriend back, I’ll be lonely”
• “How can I make sure that my girlfriend doesn’t start dating someone new?”
• “No one else will want to date me.”
When you focus on what you don’t want, two things happen:
• You feel bad
• You are more likely to get what you don’t want in life
Let’s take a closer look at each of these. Bad feelings are the direct result of focusing on what you don’t want. Any time you are experiencing a negative emotion, it is because you are focusing on something you don’t want. Let me repeat that since it is extremely important:
All negative emotions are the result of focusing on what you do not want.
When you focus on what you do not want, you begin to imagine scenarios that you would rather not experience in your mind. This is true even when your intention is to avoid a negative experience. For example, if you wanted to avoid “blowing it” with your ex-girlfriend the next time you see her, at some level, you would have to picture in your mind what it would be like to mess up. You would have to image an argument or her introducing you to her new boyfriend, for example. So, ever trying to avoid a negative outcome will cause your mind to focus on the negative outcome.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela This makes you feel bad. But it also makes it more likely that you’ll actually get the negative outcome you’re picturing. You see, even if you’re trying to steer clear of having an argument with her, you’ll be investing more mental energy into rehearsing what not to do and what not to say. This of course is more focusing on what you don’t want. You have to imagine the things you don’t want to do or say. Have you ever given a speech or presentation in front of a group of people? For most people out there, this is the biggest fear they can imagine. Public speaking is something that people tend to fear even more than death in some cases. Now imagine that you have a speech to give. You could spend your time focusing on not screwing it up. Think of all the things you don’t want to do and don’t want to say. Wouldn’t it feel horrible to get up there and be so paralyzed by fright that you couldn’t even say a single thing or if your voice didn’t sound right and no one could hear you? If you’ve spent so much time worrying about these things, you might get up there and find that you are completely unprepared for the speech. You were so worried about not presenting well that you didn’t even practice what you were going to say or how you were going to say it. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you spend so much time trying to move away from what you don’t want, without a clear vision of what you do want, you don’t really have a clear idea of where you’re going.
It’s like the difference between running away from something and running toward something. If you run away from something, you don’t really know where you’re going and you don’t know when you get there. But if you run toward something, you definitely know where you’re going.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Do you understand this? It may be difficult to wrap your mind around at first, but it really makes all the difference in how you act and how you feel. On the other hand, focusing on what you do want may be something like this:
• “I want to enjoy a loving relationship again.”
• “I want to feel confident about my life.”
• “I want others to like me.”
Doing this will cause you to:
• Feel good
• Make you more likely to get what you want
Just like with the negative feelings, to focus on what you want, you have to imagine what you want. This will make you feel good. Plus it gives you a goal that you can work towards. You have to imagine what it would be like to laugh and hug your ex-girlfriend again or what it would be like if you had a loving and happy relationship. These sorts of thoughts make you feel good and they inspire you to work toward them. So if you ever find that you are feeling bad, remember to focus your mind on what you want rather than what you don’t want or what you want to avoid. One great way to do this, is to simply ask yourself “What do I want?” If you are not in the habit of focusing on what you want, this could be difficult at first, but keep asking yourself this question and before long, the answers will come. It is just like a muscle that needs to be built up over time. Also, remember to tell yourself when you catch yourself feeling bad that “This is coming from me.” There is something that you are focusing on that is causing you to feel bad.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Once you know what that is, you can start to focus on what you do want to take control of how you feel.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Focusing on what you want is the most important thing you can do to control how you feel.
• All bad feelings are the result of focusing on what you do not want.
• When you catch yourself focusing on something negative ask yourself “What do
I want?” to change your focus. • Do the first focus exercise below, and if possible, do the second focus exercise as well in a safe and legal way.
Focus Exercise - Adopting an Attitude of Gratitude Begin keeping a daily gratitude journal. Write down everything you are grateful for at the beginning or the end of each day. If you’re feeling down, this might be tough to begin with. That’s okay. You can start small and just write down things like “I’m grateful that I know how to read” or “I’m grateful I am taking control of my life.” This may seem small, but this will start to turn your thoughts in a more positive direction, and over time, the things you are grateful for will begin to grow and your overall mental state will significantly improve.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Focus Exercise - Burning Your Negative Emotions Away Disclaimer: Be smart about this, don’t start a fire that can potentially cause severe damage to you, others, or anything else. The ideal place to do this would be in a fireplace. By doing this exercise, you accept full responsibility for your actions. What You Will Need:
• 2 Pieces of Paper
• Pen or Pencil
• Matches or a Lighter
On one piece of paper, write down exactly how you feel about yourself and your situation. You want to be as descriptive as you can. Writing “I feel bad” isn’t enough to get the job done. Write down everything that you feel bad about in your life. Do this to the point where you feel like you’re about to cry because you are so morbidly depressed. The worse you feel, the better. (Yes, I understand that I just told you to focus on what you want, but this is a special exercise, so it is an exception to this rule) For example:
My life is nothing but an unending sequence of disappointments and let downs.
It seems like no matter how hard I try to do anything, life just keeps it all just out
of reach.
My girlfriend leaving me just confirms all of this and it’s just another sad
example of how much of a failure I am. She left me for another guy, and I
really can’t blame her. John is much better looking than me and he makes a lot
more money. Let’s face it, I never deserved a girl as great as her.
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What really hurts the most is that I really loved her. I did everything I could to
make her happy, but in the end she just left. Now I’m all alone and she has John.
Just the thought of the two of them having sex is enough to turn my stomach.
I guess what makes this all so much worse is that I’m totally alone. I have no
one to talk to--especially about this. Heck, I’m probably going to end up being
alone for my whole life. I’ll just die a cold and lonely death and no one will care.
My ex-girlfriend won’t. She’s already replaced me with someone else.
She says that she feels bad about it, but then why am I the only one who is all
alone and suffering. I mean, I thought she loved me. How could you do this to
someone you love? I’m so pathetic.
On the second piece of paper, do the exact opposite. As if you had the life of your dreams, how would you feel? Imagine what it would feel like to get your girlfriend back and what it would be like if you had the most perfect life you can think of. Again, get into this and write in detail. Do this to the point where you feel amazing and excited. Here’s another example:
I can hardly believe it, but Stacy and I got back together today! I’ve been seeing
her for a while now and things have gotten better and better over the past few
weeks.
She called me up and asked to meet at the park down the street. We went for a
walk and talked about things in the sun. I could tell that she was really into me and
that she had something to say, but wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up.
Finally, we sat down by the fountain and she told me that she really wanted to give
our relationship another shot. I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly good I
felt in that moment.
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I agreed and the two of us kissed. I felt so unreal. Afterward we went to get ice
cream and we talked about the future for hours. The whole time we couldn’t help
but smile and giggle whenever our eyes met like when we first started dating.
I told her about the job I interviewed for last week. It seemed really good, and they
want to meet with me again. I’m pretty sure I’ve got this job and the second inter
view is just a formality.
Anyway, things are just moving forward in a great way these day. I really feel
like getting back together with Stacy and this new job are a real turning point in my
life. Things are finally going my way and I’m so grateful and excited for the future.
Now, make the conscious effort to decide which outcome you would rather have. (this should not be a difficult choice) Then, burn the piece of paper where you wrote down what you don’t want in a fireplace or other location where you can burn something safely and legally.
Again, be smart about this and don’t do anything that could put you or any one’s safety at risk.
The act of burning the negative letter will make you feel an incredible release of emotions and it will help you feel extremely happy and optimistic for days or weeks afterward. Then take the sheet of paper where you wrote down exactly what you want and read it out loud to yourself every morning and before you go to bed every day for one month. This will help you burn this new vision for your life into your subconscious mind and help make it come true.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Evaluating What Went Wrong in the Relationship You also want to deconstruct the break up and do your best to understand why it happened. There countless reasons why a relationship could have ended, and giving you a list of those possible reasons isn’t likely going to help you much. So, just to remind you about something I wrote earlier, you and your girlfriend used to be madly in love with each other. The problems came when negative feelings came into play and tipped the scales to the point where she left you. To understand the break up, you need to ask yourself what caused those negative feelings. I know that there is no shortage of things that could have added up, but if you had to name one thing that most contributed to the break up, what would it be? Don’t spend too much time obsessing over this. Just take the first thing that pops into your head. Keep in mind though that often the obvious cause may be only a symptom of something deeper on an emotional level. For example, many times when a woman breaks up with a man claiming that he spends too much time at work, the real cause of the break up isn’t that you work too much. It is that she doesn’t feel emotionally connected to you anymore, probably because you spend a significant amount of time at work. However, this can be resolved without working less, if you can find ways to increase the feelings of connection in the relationship.
Conclusion for Nourishing the Roots Commit to doing one month of No Contact. During this month eliminate all forms of contact with your ex-girlfriend. If you can’t completely eliminate contact with her due to circumstances beyond your control like school or work, that’s okay. Just keep your interactions professional. Focus on yourself and working on your inner mindset during this one month period. Build
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela up your self-esteem to the point where you feel that you don’t need your girlfriend back in order to be happy in life. Also work toward improving certain areas of your life that need work and build friendships with others. This section is vitally important. It will help you get yourself out of a negative frame of mind. This is important in being able to attract your girlfriend again, since nothing is more attractive than a positive person who can uplift others and make them feel great about themselves. The skills in this section can also be broadly applied to your life in general to help you be more happy, successful, and fulfilled.
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Part II - Strengthening the Limbs - Your Plan to Get Her Back Okay, so you’re ready to call your ex and get the ball rolling to getting her back. First, I want to make sure you’ve actually read the Nourishing the Roots section and you’ve done all the exercises. If you just skipped ahead to this part of the book without doing that stuff, you’re going to be in for a rough ride and all the things I teach you here will likely backfire if you’re not properly prepared. The first section of this book covered your basic mindset, and if you try to do this stuff before you have a good mindset, it will likely all fall flat. Remember the analogy of the tree and nourishing the roots versus stapling leaves to the tree? If you jump right to this section without doing the proper mindset work, you are going to have a significantly harder time.
Knowing if You’re Ready to Contact Your Ex But before I get into the specifics of what you need to do to get your girlfriend back, I want you to look inside and see if you are emotionally prepared to get your ex back. There are a lot of things that could happen when you start contact with your ex again after a period of No Contact. Perhaps the two of you will have an argument or you may discover that she is dating someone new. If you aren’t ready to deal with these possibilities emotionally, then you simply are not ready to move forward with this section, and I recommend that you go back and continue doing the exercises in the first section of this book and work to the point where you can enjoy your life on your own without the feeling that you “need” your ex in any way to be happy. Essentially, you are not ready to talk to your ex-girlfriend if you think of the break up or about her and you feel an sort of intense negative feelings that may overwhelm you such as anger, sadness, or pain.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Here are a few common reasons why people often feel compelled to contact their exgirlfriend that quite frankly, just aren’t good enough. If you feel motivated by any of these reasons, then you are definitely not ready to get back in touch with her:
• You feel as if you need to show her how well you would have treated her if she was still together with you. • You feel as if you need to justify what happened, apologize, or explain yourself in the hopes that this will change her mind. • You feel as if you need to tell her how much you love her and that the strength of your love for her will make her realize that she made a mistake.
• You feel weak and feel the urge to call her and beg her to take you back.
• You feel angry and want to make sure that she knows that she will regret
breaking up with you. • You desperately want to know if she misses you and and wants to take you back.
These are all dead give-aways that you are not ready to talk to her. In fact, starting a conversation or sending her an e-mail when you are motivated by these feelings will probably just drive her further away from you. Maybe you’ve seen these sorts of things work on TV or in movies, but this isn’t a scripted movie. This is real life, and what works in Hollywood doesn’t work in the real world. Compromising your integrity or humiliating yourself, may be charming in chick flicks and romantic comedies, but trust me, being some sort of befuddled moron isn’t going to give you the happy ending you’re hoping for. Okay, so let’s get down to business. First we’re going to revisit the three “inner game” qualities we introduced in the first section and study how they apply to interacting and relating with your ex so that you’ll be more equipped and ready to meet her face to face.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Awareness When you meet with your ex, you’ll not only have to practice Awareness of yourself, but also of her. This is challenging for a lot of guys because they are nervous and they will tend to get side-tracked from the present moment. Remember, you aren’t in the moment if you are thinking about:
• The past
• The future
• Judgments of others
• Judgments of yourself
In addition to bringing yourself to the present by making sure you are in the moment, you will also need to be Aware of your ex and what she is doing and how she is reacting. Make sure that you give your full attention to the moment that you are sharing with her. Don’t worry about your cell phone, what time it is, or anything like that. This is especially difficult these days when it seem like new gadgets like ipads, smart phones, and other things are constantly competing for our attention. The first thing to do to make sure that you are able to bring your entire awareness to your interaction is to eliminate as many distractions as possible before meeting her. There can be so much communicated through body language or small gestures that you can miss if you are not Aware of how she is behaving in the moment. Many times a guy will be caught up in his head thinking about something and he’ll completely miss a subtle smile or a laugh. Simply noticing these small things and asking her about them can open up an entire conversation and connection that would have been otherwise completely overlooked. Now when you’re practicing Awareness, make sure you don’t adopt a kind of leering,
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela gawking, or overly observant type of gaze. This is actually kind of creepy and might make you seem too eager. Yes, you want to be Aware of her and what she’s doing, but at the same time you want to stay grounded in your own body. You should have a relaxed and easy gaze. You should stay grounded in your body while soaking her in through your eyes like a sponge. This is an important distinction. Don’t forget to breathe. Many times when you are tense or anxious, your breath is shallow, making it difficult to relax. So, remember to breathe because it will help you stay relaxed and more aware of what is going on around you. Aside from technology, another huge thing that takes away from Awareness is emotional hang-ups. As someone who wants to get their ex-girlfriend back, common emotional hang-ups include:
• Worrying What She Is Thinking - It is understandable that you are nervous.
Most guys are probably going to be at least a little nervous seeing their ex again,
even if they’ve worked a lot on their inner game.
• Defensiveness - If you and your ex-girlfriend ended your relationship with
some aggression toward each other, it is understandable that you could be
defensive. Maybe you’re worried that she might try to start another fight or say
something with the intention of hurting you.
that could send your mind off into experiencing all sorts of emotions. The
same is even more true when it comes to your ex-girlfriend and all the
emotions wrapped up between the two of you.
guys out of the moment is when they spend too much time memorizing exactly
what they want to say to their ex-girlfriend. It is understandable that you have a
lot on your mind and you want to make sure you get it all out there in just the
right way. However, memorized scripts are just going to pull you away from the
present moment and they rarely go over as well as you’d hope they will.
• Emotional Hot Buttons - There are countless things that a person could say
• Rehearsing What You Want to Say - Another major thing that really takes
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela When you catch yourself doing any of these, or whenever you notice your mind just drifting off into something else besides what is actually happening right now, simply bring your attention back to the moment. So, Awareness with your ex-girlfriend means that you adopt a relaxed and present mindset. Some guys might take this to mean that they need to watch every little thing she does and analyze it to death. This is not Awareness, since this analysis and obsession on what it all means just pulls you out of the present moment and off into a judgement of her or yourself. You will be fine is you stay in the present while keeping yourself grounded in your own body. If you ever feel like your attention is too much on your ex-girlfriend so that you start to lose touch with your body, then that is where things get sticky. Key Points and Action Steps:
• It is important to stay in the moment when interacting with your ex.
• Common reasons that people fall out of the moment with their ex:
• Worrying what she is thinking
• Defensiveness
• Emotional hot buttons
• Rehearsing what to say
• When you are with her, stay relaxed in your body
• Do the following exercise to prepare yourself to be present with your ex.
Awareness Exercise - Soul Gazing A good way to practice this before you meet your ex, is to get in the habit of doing this with other people such as friends, family, coworkers, or anyone else you see through your
day. Of course, you don’t have to explain to them what you’re doing. Just practice being present with them while staying relaxed in your own body. It’s easier for you fall out of the present when you’re having a conversation with an author-
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela ity figure or someone else who may intimidate you, so bonus points if you’re able to keep yourself fully in the moment when you talk with someone like your boss or a teacher. If you do happen to have a good friend, you can explain to them that you’re trying to be more “in the moment.” Practice gazing at them in the eye without taking on a leering sort of stare or spacing out. If they ever catch you zoning out or trying too hard, have them lightly hit you on the shoulder to help you catch yourself. These kinds of interactions will be excellent practice for meeting your ex-girlfriend and
they are a great step up from the Mirror Affirmations Exercise described earlier. If you can stay present with her without drifting off into wonder if you’re doing okay or going off on some other tangent, you’ll be doing great.
Acceptance As you recall, Acceptance is about accepting what you experience and being a “yes” to it. When it comes to interacting with your ex (or anyone else for that matter), this means not judging them or labeling them. This means seeing them as an actual human being instead of some sort of “prize” to be won or anything else. Now what do I mean when I say forgetting your girlfriend is a real person? Of course I’m not implying that you’re some kind of knuckle-dragging neanderthal that thinks women are just sex objects. When you forget that she is a real person, you are essentially wanting her to be something or someone. You are casting judgement on her and trying to put her into a box of some kind, whether it be the “Wow! She’s so hot, I’d do anything to get her back” box or the “If I could just get her to like me, I’d feel good about myself again” box. You are not practicing Acceptance any time you reject or label or judge something that your ex tells you as good or bad. And you are not practicing Acceptance if you ever drift off into fantasies about “winning” her back or forgetting that she is a “real person” and seeing her as some perfect person up on a pedestal.
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When you see her as real person and a separate human being, you are tapping into the feeling that she is her own person, just like you. She has her own dreams, desires, feelings, and fears. To truly be in Acceptance, you will get this on a gut level where you can feel it through your whole body, not just on an intellectual level. When you can see her as a person with her own fears and dreams rather than some kind of perfect person who’s affection you need to win, then you will be able to enjoy much more significant levels of connection. When you can really get this, you will naturally be able to interact with your ex a lot more easily. You will naturally develop a curiosity to understand her view of the world that will help you never run out of things to talk to her about and you’ll never have to worry about hitting an awkward silence again. You’ll be able to have so many of those deep moments of connection where you both find yourself saying “me too” and discovering all the thoughts and feelings that you experience every day. You see, once you really “get” that she is a unique person with her desires and her own humanity, and not just a perfect “prize” to be won, you’ll realize that she has all the fears and insecurities that you probably do. When you understand that both of you share these common emotional experiences, you’ll instantly have an unending source of things to talk to her about and connect on. You’ll never have to memorize things to talk about or agonize over what you should do if the conversation stalls out or goes silent again. This is also about being perfectly okay emotionally with the fact that she may not want to get back together with you at this point. If you resist this, then you will only risk pushing her further away from you. You see, in a subtle way, she will notice that you are not okay with her not being your girlfriend. This will turn her off and drive her away from you. After all, she won’t want to be with someone who she feels needs her to be a certain way in order to accept her. If you’re still having difficulties with it, continue to practice allowing whatever happens to
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela be okay. If you can free yourself from the emotional attachment of needing your girlfriend back, then she will feel more comfortable to be herself around you and you’ll notice that she actually begins to relax more around you. This will help you build the trust and intimacy between the two of you and you’ll be able to get her back much more easily.
Key Points and Action Steps:
• Remember to see your ex as a person with her own emotions, fears, and desires. • You are not Accepting her if you need her to love you or you see her as a prize to be won. • Be prepared to Accept her exactly how she is, even if she doesn’t want to get back together with you right away. • Do the following exercise to help you cultivate more Acceptance toward her.
Acceptance Exercise - Shared Humanity To help practice developing Acceptance for your girlfriend, start by reminding yourself that she is a separate human being, just like you. She has her own desires and fears. She makes mistakes and is searching for her own slice of happiness in this chaotic world. When you can do this, and really let it impact you, you can start to drop all these preconceived things you “need” your woman to be for you. You no longer need her to look sexy, be enthusiastic, be fashionable, be attracted to you, or whatever boxes you might be consciously or unconsciously be trying to push her into. To start with, practice this exercise on other people in your life such as friends, family members, or coworkers. Practice really understanding that they are their own unique and individual people. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it would be like to be them for a moment. The more you practice this with others, the more prepared you’ll be when you actually meet your girlfriend in person again.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Commitment When it comes to dealing with you girlfriend, Commitment primarily involves staying strong in your convictions and not collapsing or compromising your personal values in an attempt to earn her approval. In other words, stick to your core values. Don’t let trying to get her back pull you away from forgetting what you believe in. On the flip side, many men try to appear strong by overcompensating and posturing. This might manifest itself as pretending that you don’t care at all about how your girlfriend responds to you or if the two of you get along well. Guys will commonly compromise their commitment to who they really are and lose composure around their ex-girlfriend in two ways: They act like a Nice Guy - The Nice Guy constantly tries to please people. On a subconscious level, he believes that if he is nice and accommodating to others, they will be kind to him and give him what he wants. This is not how the world works. The Nice Guy often ends up frustrated and being taken advantage of by his ex. She may use him to pay for dates or as a reliable standby in case the other guy she is dating doesn’t work out. If you are acting the role of the Nice Guy, realize that compromising your integrity isn’t going to get you what you want. Though you may be afraid of “rocking the boat” by speaking your truth, understand that withholding how you feel only hurts you and your relationships in the end. They act like the Macho Jerk - The opposite of the Nice Guy is the Macho Jerk. While the Nice Guy tries to please everyone and easily ends up as a doormat for his ex, the Macho Jerk will do whatever he can to avoid the appearance of weakness. He will posture himself and puff himself up in an attempt to come off as a strong and unbreakable man. However, this won’t make things easier either. The Macho Jerk is cut off from his real
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela emotions, which makes it nearly impossible to share a meaningful moment with him. Instead of being strong, he just comes off as a brittle personality held captive by his need to avoid emotions and sensitivity. The healthy alternative is not to waffle back and forth between the two. It is to ignore the duality entirely. Since both extremes are unhealthy and involve denying your emotions, realize that the entire game is completely bankrupt and not worth playing. Don don’t try to be either the Nice Guy or the Macho Jerk to get her back, since neither is really very attractive to her. Real men that women love (and who get their ex back) are the guys that don’t care about how others will react to their emotions. They will openly speak their mind when necessary and they will share their feelings freely without coming off as an angry jerk or spineless wimp. Women do not think that this is overly aggressive or wimpy; they think this is sexy! To practice Commitment to your values and beliefs, you must be willing to say “no” to your ex if she ever asks you to do something that you don’t want to do or that you would not feel good about doing. But you also must be willing to be vulnerable and open without become a puffed-up macho fake. Most people are decent, but do not let your ex try to take advantage of your desire for her approval by sacrificing your values and what you stand for. Commitment also speaks to owning your experience without shame or apologies. Here is a tip I shared in the first section of this book that will help you know when you are practicing Commitment: When you speak your truth from a place of Commitment, you will be saying things that no one can argue with. (This is so important, that I am telling you this again to make sure you really get this) For example, no one can argue with the phrase “I wish things hadn’t turned out this way.” This is your personal opinion that describes how you personally feel. However, a phrase like, “We never would have broken up if you weren’t always nagging me” can be argued
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela and thus is not spoken from a point of Commitment. In fact, that kind of statement is actually casting blame on someone else and is an invitation for an argument.
Commitment Exercise - Holding Your Ground There are two ways that guys can lose their integrity. Either through caving in and collapsing to the desires of others or by puffing themselves up and posturing too much to try and appear tough or macho. If you believe that collapse or being a Nice Guy is something that you are more prone to do (which is what most men struggle with), then your exercise here is to practice saying “no” to people in your life when they ask you to do something that you don’t want to do. This may be difficult at first, but practicing this with your friends and family will help prepare you for situations where your ex-girlfriend may try to manipulate you or take advantage of you. You get bonus points if you do this with an authority figure like your boss (just don’t get fired). If you believe that posturing or being the Macho Jerk is what you are more likely to do, sit down and think about the things in your life that really matter to you, the things you really care about. When you posture, you tend to project an attitude that you’re “so tough” that you “don’t care about anything.” This however, isn’t true and getting in touch with what you care about and what is important to you can help you reconnect with what you
do care about. Then go out and share your feelings with someone, maybe a friend or coworker. The goal is to practice being vulnerable. I know that this is similar to one the earlier Commitment exercises, but this is very important in breaking the inertia of the emotional habits we have so that we can enjoy more fulfilling relationships.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Your Blueprint to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back After One Month of No Contact Okay, so now that we’ve covered some inner game basics, here are the action steps you need to take to get your ex-girlfriend back after you’ve done one month of No Contact. Again, do not skip the first section of this book and the one month of No Contact. This is extremely important in helping heal from the pain of your break up and giving your exgirlfriend the time she needs to start missing you.
How to Contact Your Ex You should have kept yourself from contacting your ex at all, if possible during the Nourishing the Roots section of this program. Again, the reason for this is to make sure that 1.) you don’t do something irrational that you’ll later regret, and 2.) so that you have time to pull yourself together and sort through your emotions. The purpose of this No Contact period is not to manipulate your ex into missing you. There is a good chance that she will miss you and may reach out to you sooner, but that is not the goal. The goal is for you to heal yourself from the pain of the break up.
Now, the best way to get back in touch with your ex is not over the phone. If you call her, then you might catch her off guard and she may react irrationally based on how she feels in that moment. It is much better to reach out through something like a physical letter (if you were together with your ex for a long time or if the break up was nasty) or through email (if the relationship was more short-term or the break up was fairly civil). Sending a letter or e-mail is best because it gives your ex time to think before they respond to the letter. This gives her time to process what you write to her and to respond after she has had time to think it over.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Sending a Letter If you choose to send a letter, take the time to make sure it is personal. Write the letter by hand and write the address on the envelope by hand as well. This will increase your chances of getting your girlfriend to open the letter and read it. Keep the letter short and to-the-point. Don’t let it drag on for pages and pages, and don’t spill your heart out about how much you love her. You wouldn’t do this with a girl you had just met, so don’t do this when you’re contacting your ex for the first time after not speaking to her for a month or so. What do you write about in the letter? Well, if you’re anything like me, you probably did at least a few things out of desperation when you first got dumped. Maybe you begged your girlfriend to take you back. Maybe you called her ten or more times per day. Maybe you did some other things that you’re not so proud of. Use this letter as your opportunity to apologize to your ex for any of these things you may have done immediately following the break up. You also want to touch of the fact that you’re doing new things with your life and moving in a new direction. Don’t tell all the details though. It’s good to leave that to the imagination. Here is an example of something you might write:
Dear Stacy,
Hello. I know that we’ve been broken up for awhile now. I’ve had some time to
think about things. I know I’ve acted a little crazy when we first broke up. I did
some things that I now regret, and I wanted to say that I’m sorry for that. I guess
I just had a hard time dealing with the break up at first.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. I’ve taken the past few weeks to get my act
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together and make some changes in my life. I feel like I’m really moving in a
positive direction.
I remember you said you have an important presentation at work this month.
Good luck with that. I’m sure you’ll knock ‘em dead.
All the Best,
Clay Andrews
Sending Email You might want to send an e-mail message if you would rather use a more casual technique than the one above, if the two of you weren’t together for very long, or if your girlfriend moved out and you don’t know her address. When it comes to email, make sure you take the time to writie a good subject line that will stand out and get opened. Something like “Hi” or “Hey” is boring and your message might get overlooked among all the spam mail if you’ve got something lame like that written. It should arouse curiosity and not make her think that this is going to be some kind of long and painful e-mail about how much you want her back. Then in the body of the message, you have two options. First, you could use the same strategy that you would use with a physical letter. Or you might try something a bit different and send her a quick “I was thinking of you” type message. If you do the second option, make it sound like you just happened to see or hear something that reminded you of her. Keep it short and simple. Chances are good, she’ll write you back. Try something like:
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Subject: You’ll Never Guess What...
Message: Hey, I was talking to a friend when they mentioned that the Killers are
going to be in town on the 25th. I know you like the Killers, so I thought you
might like to know.
I hope you’re doing well,
Take Care,
Clay Andrews
Then just leave it at that. If you’re anything like me, it probably seems like you’ve really had to struggle in the past just to get through to your ex-girlfriend or to get her to respond to you. Maybe you’re thinking “Is that it? Something that simple will never work!” But trust me, this is exactly what you need to do to get her attention. First of all, if you’ve waited about a month without contacting her, then your girlfriend will have had plenty of time to miss you. Secondly, in your letter or e-mail you’re acting like someone who doesn’t need anything from her. If she was ignoring you during your “temporary insanity” immediately after the break up, it was probably because she felt awkward around you since there was a subtle (or not-so-subtle) feeling that you needed something from her (to get back together), which was motivating everything you did. On top of that, she probably felt guilty that she somehow caused all the pain you were in. Since you’ve given her time and your emotions are back under control, you’ll do a lot better with her. Just remember to be patient. Even if she doesn’t respond back immediately, trust that what you sent her is having an impact. Maybe it will take a few days or a week, but there is an incredibly high chance that she’ll reply.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela When she finally does get back to you, she’ll probably thank you for your apology or for the tip about something she likes, then she’ll probably ask about how you’ve been doing. At this point, you may decide to shoot a few e-mails back and forth, but fairly quickly, you should transition over to asking her out to catch up and see how both of you are doing. If you and your ex are still speaking to each other or see each other regularly for some reason like the fact that you might work or go to school together, then I would recommend doing the “I was thinking of you” approach, but talking to her in person. This will break the ice from a period of limited contact and can get the two of you talking again on a personal level. But again, you want to move pretty quickly to asking her to catch up and see how the two of you have been doing.
What If She Doesn’t Respond to the Letter or Email? This might happen, especially if the two of you ended things on bad terms. But don’t become discouraged by this. Simply try again by sending another letter two to four weeks after the first one. Or you, if you emailed, try sending another message one to two weeks after the first. It might be worth trying a different form of communication too, just in case she moved and the letter got lost in the mail or she blacklisted you on her email account.
What If She Contacts You First? During the No Contact phase, there is a very real probability that your ex will miss you and she may even reach out and contact you. If this happens, and you feel you are ready to see her (that is important!), just move on to the next step, Asking Her Out.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Action Steps for Restoring Contact:
• Do one month of No Contact (The first part of this guide Nourishing the Roots)
• Either write a short letter or a brief email message to her.
• Wait for her to reply.
• If she doesn’t reply to your letter or email, try again in about two to four weeks
(for a letter) or one to two weeks (for an email). Consider contacting her in a
different way as well.
• If she contacts you first, and you feel emotionally ready to see her, ask her out.
• Once you have a rapport established, ask her out (next step).
Asking Her Out At this point, you’re ready to ask her out on your first “date.” I don’t know if you have a ton of experience dating or if you and your ex are high school sweethearts that have been joined at the hip since you were 15. But the basic strategy here is to treat this like any other first date. This means, you need to figure out a place to go for the date before you call your girlfriend and ask her out. As a man, this will show her that you are decisive and don’t simply look to others for guidance. This quality is very attractive to women. The ideal place would be some sort of coffee shop or cafe where there is a relaxed mood and there aren’t any distractions. The goal of this first date is to simply have a conversation with her and catch up. You can save the bowling alley date or the loud techno club date for another time. Remember, the focus of the date should be on the two of you, not on how exciting the date is. Again, the ideal place would be some sort of local independent coffee shop that has some interesting character to it. Also try to make it a place that you’ve never been to with her before. Try to avoid a chain coffee shop or anything like that, which just comes across
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela as bland and boring (definitely not something you want your ex-girlfriend associating with you). Kind of like how you wouldn’t take a girl out on a romantic date to a fast food restaurant. Since there is a chance that this date may not go well, avoid doing things that involve a long time commitment, such as a long dinner. If the two of you don’t get along or there’s an argument, it can be awkward to have to sit in silence while you finish your meal and wait for the check. But if things go bad at a coffee shop, there is nothing to keep you from just getting up and walking out. Your ex-girlfriend will probably also be thinking this on an unconscious level too and she’ll be much more likely to agree to meet over a cup of coffee. When you are ready, call up your ex and ask her out. To make sure everything goes well, find a quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed (or interrupted by a loud train, or traffic, or something). Call her sometime during the week when you know she is likely to be home. Usually the best time for most people is around 7:00 or 8:00 in the evening--after they’ve gotten home from work, but before they settle in for the night. Start the conversation with some simple small chit-chat. Just keep it light and funny. Nothing serious--definitely nothing about your break up. Then after a few minutes of that, just tell her that you’d like to meet up and talk over coffee (or whatever you’ve decided to do) and catch up. Do not use the term “date” since this may cause her to feel hesitant or that there is some kind of expectation for the meeting. “Hanging out” or “grabbing a cup of coffee” on the other hand, is much less pressure. If the time you’ve picked out doesn’t work for her for some reason, try to work out a good time together with her. Don’t appear too available or too eager to meet her though. If it seem impossible to work out a good time to meet in the upcoming week, just confess that both of you seem to be busy and suggest that she call you in a few days after things have cooled down. If she doesn’t call you in a few days, call her again in one week and try again.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela If you call and get a voicemail, don’t sweat it. Just leave a simple message like “Hi (her name), It’s me, I just wanted to call and see what you’re up to. Anyhow, call me back when you get the chance.” When you’re talking on the phone make sure that you smile. Even though she can’t see you, your smile will come across in your voice and it will make you sound much more upbeat and happy. Note: You want to keep the phone conversation short. If you’re like most guys, you probably hate talking on the phone for long periods of time. Use this to your advantage. I know it probably feels good to hear her voice again, but you don’t want to get sucked into a long phone conversation. If you do, she won’t have any sort of curiosity about you or how you’re doing. Keep it short and leave the conversation for the date.
The First Date Okay, it’s the day of your date with your ex-girlfriend. Here are a few basics to keep in mind to help you prepare for your date. Dress nicely. Nothing too fancy, but something that looks good. If you can’t think of something specific that fits your style, go ahead and stick with the reliable standby of a button-up shirt tucked into a nice pair of blue jeans and some black leather shoes. This is a classic look that any guy can pull off. Show up in a good mood. You don’t want to be overly anxious or in a bad mood for whatever reason. It can help to listen to one of your favorite stand-up comedians either on your iPod or in your car on the way to meet her. Or you could call up a close friend and just chat for a bit to help you get in a good mood and loosen up. Make sure you show up on time. Some “dating experts” will tell you to show up late for a date to build anticipation, but I think that is a load of crap. It is just rude and inconsiderate to be late for a date. Show up on time or 5 or 10 minutes early. This will show that
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela you follow through with what you say you’re going to do and that you value her time.
Oh My God! There She Is! Now What? You’re probably excited to see her. And that excitement is probably making you nervous. Just take a breath, relax and remember to stay focused on the present moment. Don’t get caught up in any sort of thoughts about the past or become “hypnotized” by how beautiful she is. Remember, these are all things that will take you out of the present moment and make it much more challenging to relate to her in a rich and authentic way. She is only human, after all, and not some kind of perfect person. Walk up to her and hug her while kissing her on the cheek. This is doesn’t come off as clingy and desperate or like you’re just a platonic friend. It is classy and very European (women think European men are sexy, by the way).
Who Pays for the Date? You do. You asked her out. Be a gentleman and pay for it. If he insists on paying for her half let her, but don’t get caught up in all the drama of squabbling over who is going pay for a cup of coffee. That is very petty, and not very attractive. Besides, dude, it’s just a cup of coffee or something inexpensive anyway.
What to Talk About You asked her to meet you for coffee so you two could catch up. The obvious thing to do is to catch up. Remember to practice Acceptance. When you have genuine curiosity about your girlfriend and her life, then you will never run out of things to talk about. Remember that she has her own fears, insecurities, desire, and isn’t a perfect “prize” up on a pedestal.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Remember that Acceptance means that you are being a “yes” and accepting everything she tells you without judging it or labeling it. There is a good chance that she is probably seeing someone else right now (it’s just part of how most women deal with relationships). Don’t get bent out of shape if you discover this. Instead, show your support for her new relationship. Don’t worry, though, this is a rebound relationship and the vast majority of these relationships end in failure and frustration. Why? Because she simply hasn’t had the chance to deal with all of her own issues around the break up yet. She just went right into a new relationship. Eventually all those emotions will come up and they will place an incredible amount of stress on her new relationship. Besides, showing that you’re okay with her new relationship will only demonstrate how mature you are and that you’re not an emotional wreck that she needs to go out of her way to avoid. She will probably ask what you’ve been up to recently. You should be doing a few things with your spare time such as going to groups, exercising, or otherwise taking your life in a positive direction. You can tell her about these things, but don’t let it come off as if you’re bragging about them. You should simply state them as a matter-of-fact and describe the details if she seems interested. Overall, keep the tone of the conversation light and funny. Try to avoid talking about depressing or negative things, such as your break up or any sort of problems you’re having in your own life. If she brings up a negative subject, such as your break up, don’t brush it off. Remember to be a “yes” to this subject embrace it. Do not become defensive though. If you did something wrong, accept it, but remember to stay in Commitment to your own values and maintain your integrity. Apologize for anything you may have done that was out of line, but don’t obsess or dwell on these things. Just apologize, if necessary and then move on to something else.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela The date should last about an hour or so. Don’t let it go for much longer than that. I know that it feels good to be there with her, especially if the two of you were hitting it off well, but it is best to leave her wanting more. It is best to leave at a high note in the conversation. Simply say that you’re having a good time, but that you really need to get going. Again, end by walking her to her car (or to a bus stop or subway) and end with a hug and another kiss on the cheek. Don’t agree to a second date yet. Tell her you’ll have to check your calendar or something if she asks, but the idea here is to leave her hanging for a bit.
Key Points for the First Date:
• Dress well.
• Be in a good mood.
• Show up on time.
• Remember to stay in the moment when you’re with her.
• When meeting her, give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
• Pay for the date.
• Talk openly and freely about what the two of you have been up to, but try to
keep the conversation positive.
• If she brings up something negative like your break up, don’t brush it off.
• Keep the date short, one hour or less.
• End the date with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
• Don’t agree to a second date yet.
Key Signs Your Ex Still Likes You One thing that a lot of guys seem to really wonder about is what sort of signs will really tell them that their ex-girlfriend still likes them. It’s only natural to wonder about about these things. After all, it’s important to know how you’re doing or if you’re even going in the right direction.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Here are a few subtle signs of attraction that you might want to be on the look out for. Body Language - There is an entire science to body language, but I don’t want to turn you into one of those guys who is so focused on what she’s doing with her hair, how she’s holding her arms, or what it means when she taps her fingers on the table that you lose track of the over all vibe of the conversation. It is easy to fall into the trap of looking for signs that she’s into you, or SOI’s (signs of interest) that it takes you away from enjoying the actual moment of the interaction. Besides it is easy to look at a single body language cue in isolation and completely misread the situation. Instead, it is more productive to look at the overall picture of the situation. What does her entire body language tell you about what she feels about you? Is this the way a woman who is attracted to you would behave? Or is this how someone who just isn’t into you would act? Just go with your gut on this and don’t think about it too hard (you want to stay in the moment). Actions - Aside from how she holds herself and her body language, it is important to look at how she treats you. Does she treat you like the two of you are still together? Or are you more like a means to an end? Some women may try to use you to their advantage. Maybe she’ll try to get you to buy things for her, thinking that you are so eager to win her back that you will happily comply. Or perhaps she is just unreasonably cruel toward you. In either of these cases, it is important to ask yourself if staying in a relationship with this woman is really in your best interests. On the other hand, if she puts in any effort to do something that pleases you at all, then this is a huge sign that she likes you. Did she remember your birthday and buy you a small gift? Did she go out of her way to visit you on the other side of town (or in another town)? If she puts in any effort that shows that you were on her mind or that she remem-
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela bered something that you like or something specific about your life, then there is a good chance that she still likes you. Words - After body language and personal actions, her individual words are the final thing you can use to tell if she’s interested in you. The reason that these come last is because they can be easily faked, whereas body language is more difficult, and actions are rarely faked (unless your girlfriend is some kind sociopath--do you really want her back?). What you want to do is look for subtle things that she says such as, “next time we hang out...” or “Do you need any help with...” These are all things that someone says when they have a preconceived thought pattern of a future with you in it. What’s more important is that these are all things that someone would say when they like you. Try to take things like “I miss you” or “Sometimes I wish we were back together” with a grain of salt since anyone can say these sorts of things (especially if they are trying to manipulate you). What you’re looking for are things that have a hidden psychological foundation of her building a future with you. You have to read between the lines a bit, and have the strength to look past the obvious things she might say just to string you along. If in doubt, just trust your initial reaction to what she says. Most Importantly - More than any of these 3 things though, you really shouldn’t put too much stock in whether or not she likes you. This is a bit of an “advanced” mindset to have, but when you boil it all down, you really shouldn’t care what she thinks. This may seem completely crazy to you, but I tell you there is some serious power in this. This is very subtle, but let me explain this a bit. As long as you are trying to evaluate whether or not she likes you, you will be living in reaction to her. This is not owning your truth. You’re basing your whole emotional wellbeing on her opinion of you. In case you don’t catch it, this goes back to the Acceptance
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela and Commitment thing. You see, you’ll be looking outside of yourself, and specifically to her, for reassurance that you are okay and that what you’re doing is working. You have to own your truth here. You have to be able to say with confidence in yourself that you love this woman no matter whether or not she reciprocates that emotion. This is very vulnerable, and difficult for most guys to deal with. Yes, being vulnerable may expose you to more pain, but also on the other side of that vulnerability is incredible power that can spark attraction and open the door to the kind of intimacy that can really give you an amazing relationship with your girlfriend. When you take the first step and open the door to being completely open and honest, you are also welcoming your girlfriend to do the same. It is through this honesty that you can discover her true feelings and even sway her if she is on the fence. Now, of course, you don’t want to do this from a place of neediness or desperation (we talked about that in the Nourishing the Roots section of this book). But if your mindset is “Yeah, I’m completely okay with who I am. I love my life just the way it is, but I also want to be with you and enjoy life together with you,” then that is incredibly more powerful. You’ll be able to cultivate this mindset by continuing to work on the exercises and concepts in the first part of this book. Key Points About Whether She Likes You
• Common ways to tell a woman likes you include:
• Body language
• Her actions
• Her words
• Remember to look past the obvious things she might say and do and try to
notice the psychology behind it. Is she trying to manipulate you? Or do her
actions tell a story of someone who genuinely cares for you?
• On a deeper level, you should try to detach yourself from worrying about whether or not she likes you.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Second Dates (and Beyond) Call her in a few days and suggest a second date. Again, you want to have something in mind before you call her up. The plan for this date should be something personal or meaningful to her. Maybe something you know she likes or something that the two of you talked about on the first date. For example, if during your first date she told you that she was taking a course on the history of modern art at her university, a good second date might be a visit to your city’s art museum. It is important to make this date a bit more personal by picking something that shows you are aware of her interests, but it should also be something that you are interested in as well (so you can probably cross “shopping for clothes” off that list of possible date ideas). Remember, you don’t want to compromise yourself just to see her again. If she is hesitant or doesn’t want to see you again just yet, that’s okay. Don’t become defensive about it. Simply try asking her out again in a week’s time. If she still refuses you, then back off and let her propose an idea or let her ask you out. If she doesn’t in the next few weeks, then accept that perhaps she has moved on with her life and really doesn’t want you in it anymore. I know this is going to be a tough pill to swallow, but you’ve got to accept that and try to move on.
Expectations for the Second Date For the second date (and any future dates), go with the basic guidelines for the first date. Dress well, have a good attitude, and be respectful while letting your natural personality and charisma shine through. On the second date, you should keep the mood very light and fun, like the first date. Here you can start to flirt a bit more when things are going well. In fact if things are going well,
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela you ex may try to bring up the past, such as the break up or your old relationship. If this happens, be willing to talk about what happened, but don’t get mired down in the negative emotions. Admit that things could have gone better, or that you may have made mistakes but that you’re trying to learn from the past so that you don’t repeat it. At the end of the date, if the mood feels right, you can kiss her, otherwise, just end with the cheek kiss described earlier. If she feels uncomfortable about a kiss, don’t worry or get bent out of shape. Just say something cool and calm like “Just take it as a compliment” or “You can’t blame a guy for trying.” Key Points on Second Dates (and Beyond):
• Ask her out again a few days after the first date.
• Suggest doing something together that could be related to something you
talked about on the first date or you know that she likes
• The date should be something that you can also enjoy yourself
• If she is busy, tell her to call you back when she is ready.
• If she doesn’t call you back, call again in one week.
• If she is still reluctant or busy, consider that she may not want to see you
anymore. • Treat second dates essentially the same as first dates, but you can start to flirt a bit more.
On the Topic of Sex Now, as an ordinary modern man in our day and age, I understand that for you, sex is probably something you can enjoy without emotion or connection. But you should understand that for most women, sex is something that signifies a significant connection and bond. Most women that have sex with a man do so because they want a relationship with him. If you and your ex-girlfriend end up having sex at some point on this date or on future
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela dates, it is safe to assume that she is going to be receptive to the idea of getting back together with you. With this in mind though, you do not want to try to force or trick your ex into having sex with you. After all, if you’re like most men, that would be out of integrity with your values (Commitment). No one wants to manipulate someone else into a relationship. It just isn’t going to feel rewarding or fulfilling to be with them, knowing that they are only with you because of trickery and deception. However, if the two of you are having a good time, and the passion naturally arises on it’s own, then by all means go with it. Now, I know I said that most women view sex as something signifying connection and a deeper relationship. But you must realize that there are some women out there that do not see things this way. If you believe that your ex is using you for sex while your relationship with her is not moving in a positive direction, then she is probably taking advantage of you. Don’t let this happen. I know you probably still love her, it feels good, and you believe you’re making progress, but don’t let her have it both ways with you. She can’t have the benefits of a relationship with you while avoiding the commitment. That just isn’t fair to you and it makes you a doormat in her eyes (not good!). Key Points About Sex:
• If a woman has sex with you, then she probably wants to be in a relationship with you • However, some women may try to take advantage of you and have it both ways.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela How and When to Bring Up the Subject of Reuniting Continue to date your girlfriend for a few more weeks. Take things slow. Remember to be in the moment and simply enjoy being with her. You want to treat this like how you would in the beginning of a new relationship. Don’t rush things too fast. However, if after a few weeks or a few months, you’ll probably feel that it is time to get back together with your girlfriend--or at least suggest the idea. Maybe your ex suggests the idea herself. If she brings it up, then by all means, be willing to have a conversation about it. If you are the one that brings it up after a period of a few weeks or months, just do so causally. Mention that the two of you seem to be getting along well and that you’d like to give the relationship a second chance. Remember to do this calmly and not from a place of desperation or neediness. Ideally, you will be 100% okay with either a “yes” or a “no.” I know that you want to get your girlfriend back, but you don’t want to be doing anything from a place where you need her back. Simply state your truth and then wait for her response. There may be a long silence that comes when you bring this up, but do not back-peddle or try to justify your desires. This all goes back to Commitment and owning your truth and voicing your interest in getting back together. If she agrees to giving the relationship another chance, then congratulations! You may feel ecstatic, but believe it or not, your work is just beginning here. Because, you see, after you get her back, you need to make sure that you continue to improve yourself and move your life in a positive direction. If you slip back into old routines and go back to being who you where before the break up, she will feel that you simply tricked her into coming back by putting on an act.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Continue to section 3 of this book where I’ll discuss how to keep your relationship going strong for the long run.
Long Distance Relationships Maybe you’re thinking “Okay, this is all fine and well, but my girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship.” What can you do when your girlfriend lives in another city, state, or even country? If you are in a long distance relationship, you can still use the methods and techniques described here, but you’ll have to use them in other ways. Instead of meeting in person, for example, it may be more practical to have a Skype conversation or chat via webcam. However, it is important to keep in mind that you should try to do the things described here in person, if at all possible. If it makes sense for your job, or to visit friends, or something else, you should try to visit the place your ex-girlfriend lives. Don’t make the trip specifically to visit her though. That puts a lot of pressure on the situation, which is only likely to make her not want to meet with you. However, if you just so happen to be in town for work or to see a friend, then that makes it much more likely that she will meet with you. Don’t worry though, if you really can’t go out of your way to visit your ex in the particular place where she lives. You can still have quite an impact with the words you write in emails, the things you say in phone calls, or your presence in video chats. So the basic long distance plan to get her back is to replace the coffee date with a simple Skype chat or phone call to catch up and see how you two are doing. You can continue to talk to her by Skyping or calling her as future “dates,” but ideally you will want to meet her in person at some point. If it gets to the point where you are considering asking her to get back together with you,
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela I would strongly recommend that you do this in person. It will have a much better impact and allow you two to share a much nicer moment with each other. Key Points About Long Distance Relationships:
• Simply follow the plan for getting her back in person, but rely on things like phone calls and video chatting to replace the conventional dates. • For best impact, consider going out to meet her in person when the time comes to discuss getting back together.
What to Do if You Have a Negative Experience with Your Ex? Despite your best intentions, things just might not go well during your first date, your seconds date, or anywhere else down the line. Maybe you and your ex have a fight, or maybe you just don’t know what to talk about on your date. Does this mean that you’ve completely “blown it” and lost her for good? Not by a long shot. You can still save your relationship despite the fact that you may have had a bad experience. All it means is that things just didn’t go the way you hoped that they would. This doesn’t mean that you need to stop or that hope is lost. All you need to do is pick yourself up and try again. Have a look at what might have gone wrong. Did you let your emotions get the best of you? Were you busy focusing on what you don’t want rather than what you do want? Were you resisting something? Take a few days or a week and work on your inner game more. Go back and practice the exercises listed earlier in this book. This stuff requires continuous practice, and it is never something that you will ever finish learning. Then just ask your ex-girlfriend out again. If you did something you regret, like starting an argument, then you should apologize for that. Then just start over with a first date again.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela On the other hand, if you believe that your girlfriend started the confrontation or negative experience, perhaps you should consider the fact that she may not be ready for a relationship with you at this point. Sometimes, no matter how open you may be, she may simply be hell-bent on creating drama in her life.
What if She Has a New Boyfriend Already? If your girlfriend is already seeing someone new right after your break up (which is fairly common for women), what do you do? First of all, accept that this is happening and find the ability to be emotionally okay with this. Read the sections in this book about Acceptance and work on them as necessary. Realize that your ex-girlfriend is in a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships rarely work out in the long run. The reason for this is because your ex-girlfriend is going through a lot of difficult emotions right now, just like you are. Although she may be giving off the appearance of being happy and that her life couldn’t be better in her new relationship, understand that she has not had the time to deal with the emotions from the break up yet. She will eventually have to work through these feelings, and this will place a lot of stress on her new relationship. This stress often destroys most rebound relationships. Also, don’t look at the other guy as your enemy. This will cause you to harbor negative emotions toward him, which will likely only make you look bad and undermine your attempts to save your relationship. Instead just, continue with the normal plan described above by meeting your ex-girlfriend for coffee and then seeing her casually from there on out. When you do see her, make sure that you are supportive of the new relationship and avoid saying anything that might make it look like you are cutting her new boyfriend down such as sarcastic remarks or insults to him. This will only make it look like you are being
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela extremely petty and insecure. Just focus on being the best person you can be and continue with the plan as if she wasn’t seeing someone new already. This alone is enough to cause her to leave the new relationship. This happens because her new boyfriend probably knows about you. He probably even knows that she is seeing you. This will make him feel insecure. Additionally, your girlfriend will be constantly comparing the two of you against each other. If she sees you be a calm and enjoyable person to be around, while he is insecure and defensive, he is likely to come out the loser. Add to this the fact that she is still dealing with her own emotions from your break up and you can quickly see that their relationship probably won’t stand the test of time. Key Points if She Is Seeing Someone New Already:
• Work on being emotionally okay with this.
• Rebound relationship rarely work out because your ex-girlfriend has
unresolved emotions. • Simply continue with the original plan and work on being the best person you can be around her. • Don’t bash her new boyfriend or put him down. This will only make you look petty.
• His own insecurities about her seeing you will make you look like the better guy.
• In the end his insecurities and her unresolved emotions will likely end their
rebound relationship.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela If Things Do Not Work Out Despite your best efforts and your best intentions, you must understand that things will not necessarily work out with your ex. I don’t know specifically what happened between you two, but if the damage is irreparable or your ex just doesn’t want to get back together with you, then you must be prepared to move on. Fortunately, if you did the steps in the Nourishing the Roots section, you should already be well on your path to healing and recovery. Simply continue by focusing on these steps and you will gain the insight to move on in your life. If the break up was especially difficult for you, I would recommend not dating someone new until you are emotionally ready for it. There is no set time for this. This is something that only you will know for certain. Just take time to enjoy your life as a single guy and learn to love yourself and you will know when you are ready to start dating again. I know that it can be difficult getting back into the dating game, but here are a few resources that should help you out, when you are ready:
Authentic Man Program (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/AMP) - The
Authentic Man Program (also known as AMP) is based in many similar ideas that
are discussed here in this book. AMP teaches men how to access their genuine
personality and bring it to the realm of meeting and dating women, rather than
using tricks and manipulation to seduce women.
Fireworks with Females (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/fireworks) -
This guide is geared toward helping men become the man that naturally attracts
women. You will discover how to embrace your natural personality in a way that
allows you to become a man that easily attracts the women that you truly desire.
Match (http://exsolutionprogram.com/go/match) - If you’re like me, and the
whole bar and club scene was never really for you, online dating can provide a lot
of opportunities. With a few clicks of a mouse, you can find countless women in
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your area (that you may not have otherwise had the chance to meet) who are
ready to meet and date great men like you.
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Part III - Flourishing Leaves - Building a Relationship That Lasts If you’re at this point, I’m guessing you and your girlfriend are back together. Congratulations! I know that you are probably on cloud 9 right now. But I want you to know that your work isn’t done yet. You see, saving your relationship from a break up isn’t really the hardest part. I know the emotional turmoil you went through was pure hell, but the real challenge is keeping the relationship from breaking up again. Now that the two of you are back together, you have to work to make sure that both of you break the old patterns that led up to the break up in the first place. Let’s take one last look at the three relationship inner game qualities we’ve been discussing throughout this guide and explore how your mindset and beliefs can help to shape your relationship together with your girlfriend. It is important to remember that although you yourself may be practicing these mindset qualities in your life, your girlfriend may not. However, this doesn’t mean that hope is lost. All it takes is for you to be willing to change that you interact with your girlfriend to completely change the patterns and habits that the two of you share.
Awareness It will be easy to fall back into comfortable routines and just sleepwalk through your relationship again. Unfortunately, we both already know where this road leads. Unless you want your woman to walk out the door again you need to make sure that things are different. I know that it is easy to get stuck in a rut or get caught up in the day-to-day grind of life.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela But Awareness is about breaking free from the places you sleepwalk in life and reconnecting with the present moment. Continue to make the effort of bringing your attention into the present moment and really feeling yourself in your body. This will keep you from going unconscious and just running on autopilot again. Also remember to stay present with your girlfriend as well. Notice how she acts and responds. Again this is a calm and relaxed observance, not the leering gaze of a gawker or the glazed-over look of someone who is spaced out. She may slip back into unconscious routines that she had before the break up, but remember that it takes two to tango. As long as at least one of you can stay in the moment and realize what is happening, you can simply refuse to participate in the old habits that may have resulted in arguments, fights, or resentment. This is where the relationship-level of Awareness comes into play. You can start to be aware of how certain things that the two of you do, or did in the past will play out. You can break that sleepwalking cycle and gain Awareness. From there you have the power to choose how to respond. For example, where the two of you may have been caught in a rut of going to work, coming home, watching TV, and going to bed to start again tomorrow, you can decide to take things in a new direction that may actually begin build more intimacy and connection in your relationship. To help you continue to cultivate Awareness, you might consider taking up a daily practice of meditation or yoga. If those sorts of activities don’t seem “manly” enough for you, you can start playing a sport of some kind. Nothing will help put your body and your mind in the present moment like some good physical activity. After all, if you space out while you’re playing football, you just might get tackled.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Acceptance When it comes to practicing Acceptance on the relationship-level, you need to keep that view of your girlfriend as a separate human being and maintain that curiosity about her and her experience of the world. It can be easy to label your partner, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. Anyone can say something like “my girlfriend can’t control her spending” or “he only cares about work” but remember that these are ways that we put people in boxes and are a “no” to who they really are. Instead of pushing your partner away by labeling them in this way, you need to instead accept them as a full and complete person with their own desires and fears. Practice taking a moment every now and then to simply stare into your girlfriend’s eyes and see past all the beliefs and labels that you might have about her and reconnect with that shared humanity that the two of you have. Again, you want to make sure you really get this on a gut-level, not just as an intellectual theory. You’re doing this right if you feel her and can connect with her as another person with her own dreams, passions, fears, and faults. Do this with your relationship as well. If you notice that something is going down the road to problems, you need to accept that and not push it away, block it out, or ignore the problem. After all, isn’t that at least part of the reason why you two ended up breaking up in the first place? It is easy to look the other way or hope that things get better when, for example, we know our partner may be unhappy. But it is much more productive to deal with the problem directly rather than just hoping that things take care of themselves. This is how you can stop a problem from festering and leading to the point where it can threaten to tear your relationship apart.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Commitment Stay committed to owning your experience and directing the relationship in the way that you want it to go. Keep in mind that when you voice your experience, you know you are doing so in an authentic and genuine way when no one can argue with your point of view. For example “You’re being a bitch when you nag me!” is not owning your experience. That statement is debatable and in fact, it will probably lead to a fight. In truth, this kind of statement comes from labeling or being a “no” to your partner. If you find yourself about to say something like this thinking you are coming from a place of authenticity, go back and take a moment to practice Acceptance again. On the other hand, statements like “I feel like you don’t respect me when you nag me like that” are not arguable. They are your truth and your experience of the situation. Statements like this are also less likely to cause an argument. How do you handle things when you start to notice that they aren’t going the way you want them to? For example, how would you handle things when your girlfriend says something aggravating or when you notice that you’re headed down the road toward an argument? First of all, congratulate yourself, you caught the pattern (Awareness) and you accepted that it was happening (Acceptance). This is good progress. At this point all you have to do is say something like “I didn’t want things to go this way,” or “Let’s not do this, we both know what will happen if we keep going down this road.” Things like this can break her unconscious pattern and give both of you the chance to drop in and connect about what is really going on through a real and productive conversation--not a heated argument that will just result in insults and make both of you feel awful.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Common Relationship Problems and How to Resolve Them We just covered a bit of theory about the dynamics of relationship, but what about specific problems? Next I’ll be going over a few basic problems that men have in relationships and show you where they fit into our three relationship inner game qualities so that you can develop a better understanding of how these concepts fit into what you may have been doing in the past or may currently be doing now.
Your Girlfriend Takes You for Granted A lot of men complain that their girlfriend takes them for granted. I don’t know what the situation is, but when you start to feel that you’re being taken for granted, chances are good that it is because you don’t stand up for yourself or you are willingly volunteering to do things for her and she has grown accustomed to this. The solution to this kind of problem, is making a stand for your values and owning your experience of what is going on. This of course is all about Commitment.
First, start by talking with your girlfriend about how you’re feeling. Remember, that owning your experience involves saying things that cannot be argued against. So, something like “You’re taking me for granted” isn’t going to cut it, and it will probably lead to a fight. Something like “I feel taken for granted when you expect me to pay for everything when we go out.” When you say something like the second statement, you are speaking your truth and you can likely cut straight to solving the problem rather than have some huge argument about whether or not she is taking you for granted. Secondly, if she is taking you for granted it is probably because on some level, she probably thinks that you are willing to comply or adjust your life to her needs. Now, I’m not saying that this is some kind of conscious thing that she is thinking. In fact, she probably isn’t even aware of this herself.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Instead, don’t be afraid to hold your ground if you don’t want to do something. If she expects you to go and do something boring with her like shopping, tell her that you’d rather not. By being an independent person, she will learn to value your presence and the things you do for her because she knows that you aren’t necessarily always going to be there wiling to do the things she wants.
Failure to “Really” Talk with Each Other When you and your girlfriend get stuck in a rut and it seems like it’s been days or weeks since the two of you have sat down and had a real meaningful conversation with each other, this is a problem with Acceptance.
There are a lot of reasons why this might be happening. Maybe the two of you are busy these days and between working, errands, and everything else, there just isn’t time to sit down. Or maybe the two of you have the time to sit down with each other, but it just seems that all you really talk about are the events that happened that day and your conversations just seem paper-thin and shallow. If you don’t have the time to sit down and talk, then you simply need to do that. I understand that sometimes other things may take top priority in your life, but it is important to take the time to reconnect with your relationship and ensure that the two of you don’t grow apart. If your conversations just seem shallow and not rich and uplifting, that is because one, or both, of you is assuming that you know the other. This, of course, is a death-nail for curiosity. Remember that curiosity is what keeps conversations going and what has the power to make them deep and meaningful. Instead of trying to fit your girlfriend into a box of who you think she is, try to catch yourself and learn to recognize what your beliefs about who she is and what she is like. Realize that those are all just in your own head, and that they may be accurate, but they do not describe her fully as the unique person that she undoubtedly is.
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Once these beliefs and labels start to fall away, you’ll find that you can suddenly access more curiosity about her and her experience of life. Your conversations will take on a much richer and fulfilling quality.
Too Much Arguing and Fighting When you and your girlfriend get caught up in fights and arguments this is a problem with
Acceptance. If you remember, Acceptance is about being a “yes” to your experience and accepting it. This of course doesn’t mean that you need to agree with everything your girlfriend says, or that your girlfriend needs to agree with everything you say. All this means is that you must stop judging and labeling either:
• Each other
• Each other’s ideas
All it takes is for one of you to break this cycle of arguing and fighting and tap into this. Simply take a moment to connect with your girlfriend and see her as a unique human being with her own desires and fears, just like you. When you get to this point, you start to become more curious than defensive and the argument will just lose it’s steam. An argument can only carry on as long as two people are defending their beliefs from the other’s opinions. Now, I’m not telling you to cave in or simply agree with your girlfriend’s opinion. It isn’t good to compromise your beliefs and values for the sake of avoiding an argument. What I am recommending that you do, however, is that you try to become curious about your girlfriend’s opinion and try to understand things from her point of view. This can really transform what would be a nasty fight into meaningful conversation that has the power to deepen your connection and build intimacy.
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela Simply drop your defenses for a moment and start to ask her questions to really get to the root of what she is saying. Oftentimes, when you start to really understand what lies beneath everything, you’ll discover that both you and your girlfriend actually have the same values and you’re both trying to get the same things in life. When you understand this, it can become extremely difficult to keep an argument going.
You’ve Become a Jerk When you think of a jerk you usually think of someone who has their own opinions about things and is unwilling to show compassion for others or entertain their ideas. When your
girlfriend calls you a jerk, what this means is that you’re again not practicing Acceptance. This again goes back to cultivating that shared sense of humanity and curiosity toward others and their view of the world. When you’re being a jerk, you’re really just insulating yourself from the opinions and beliefs of others. In essence, you are closing your mind and rejecting others and their ideas. This makes you right, and everyone else wrong, unless they happen to believe the same things that you do or act in a way that is in accordance with how you want them to act. What you want to do to correct this problem is to start to loosen up your defenses. Accept that, yes, you may have your own way of seeing the world, but that doesn’t make other views wrong or bad. Instead of being so closed to other’s consider them a chance to compare your ideas to theirs. Not only will you get to see the world through a different pair of eyes, but you will also be vulnerable to them. This problem also deals with Commitment to owning your own truth and your emotions. “Jerks” tend to deny their own feelings and emotions in order to appear tough and macho, like we described earlier when comparing the Nice Guy to the Macho Jerk. I know that it may seem uncomfortable to allow yourself to be impacted by others, but life is about growing and enjoying a rich variety of experiences, not about walling yourself off
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela from others. Once you can open yourself up more to others and consider their own unique flavor, you can stop being labeled a jerk and you’ll find that you’re actually able to have much more rewarding relationships with them.
You’ve Become a Nice Guy The opposite of the jerk is the “nice guy.” When you think of the nice guy, you probably imagine the friendly guy that will always bend over backwards for others and who is always willing to put his own needs on hold to take care of others. The “nice guy” thing is a problem with Commitment and a little bit of Acceptance too. Nice guys are often too afraid to speak their own truth and state their needs. Instead they believe that if they can take care of everyone else that their needs will be met as well by others. Unfortunately this isn’t how the world works. If you’re too much of a nice guy and you’re not getting your needs met or you’re being treated like a doormat, you need to work on cultivating your Commitment to your own values and truths. Practice by being honest with your feelings or by disagreeing with others when you don’t share the same opinion. One thing nice guys do, is that they try to avoid conflict at all costs. They will agree with others even when don’t want do. They will apologize when someone gets angry even if they don’t know what they did wrong. This really all boils down to safety. The nice guy tries to avoid conflict at all costs because it doesn’t feel safe. Another thing that nice guys do is that they create what are called “covert contracts” with others and with the world. These are agreements that happen in the nice guy’s mind, but no one else explicitly knows about them. These might be things like “If I go on a boring shopping trip to the mall with you, then you will be nice to me” or “If I help you with your schoolwork, then you’ll want to sleep with me.”
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela This part of the problem comes from a lack of Acceptance. Here the nice guy is overly fixated on achieving a specific outcome. “If I do A, then you NEED to do B.” But underneath it all, the nice guy isn’t owning his own truth. Instead of voicing his needs and opinions, he feels like he needs to hide them or that the only way he can get them met is by taking care of others. If this is your problem, then you need to realize that no one can read your mind and that the only way to get your needs met is make sure that others know about them. So go ahead and tell your girlfriend exactly what you want and you’ll be surprised at how easy good communication can be and how you may actually start getting your way more often.
She Says She Can’t Trust You Trust issues in a relationship stem from a lack of Commitment. Essentially, you say that you are going to do something, but then you don’t--or you do the opposite. You are out of alignment with your sense of Commitment to your values, and your girlfriend doesn’t know what to expect from you. To fix this problem, you need to become more transparent and honest about your intentions. If the problem is that trust was broken by something like an affair, then you may have more work cut out for you. Trust is something that can only be rebuilt with time and consistent transparency. Essentially what is wrong is that your girlfriend doesn’t know where you stand on things. Women want a man to be a rock--something sturdy and unwavering that she can count on to be there for her. Women are already emotional as it is and if she doesn’t know where you stand on anything, then that is just going to lead to some serious drama issues in your relationship. What you’re going to have to do is practice following through on what you say and really commit yourself to your core values and beliefs. If you need to take, some time and ask yourself “What is important to me about life?” Write down a list of your answers. These
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela are your values. If you don’t like what you wrote down, consider that you might need to change the direction your life is headed in and take appropriate action. Trust is something that takes time to build. Have the patience and dedication to build it up so that you and your girlfriend can enjoy life together with each other.
How to Keep Passion in the Relationship There are tons of books and “gurus’ out there that will happily give you relationship advice about how to keep the spark in a relationship. Maybe they recommend a candlelit dinner or surprising your girlfriend with gifts. By now, you can probably tell that I don’t believe that there is a one-size-fits-all solution to keeping the romance in a relationship. All of these tips are just more surface level things meant to staple the leaves on our metaphorical dying tree. By now you know that real passion comes from nourishing the roots of the tree. This means that if you can take the time to tap into your Awareness, Acceptance, and Commitment, then the passion will naturally flow from your relationship. This is how you gain access to wonderful inside jokes, fun games you play with each other, and embrace the adventure of romance and discovering each other together. From here you’ll never need to read more tips on how to rekindle the love or keep a relationship going strong. All those tips will really do is prop up a dying relationship for just a little longer. Over time it will take more and more effort to sustain it until the underlying problems are solved. From a place of authenticity, you’ll be able to spontaneously and naturally create moments that stand head and shoulders above the trite and generic advice given out by “re-
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©2011 EXSOLUTIONPROGRAM - Clay Andrews with Mika Maddela lationship gurus.” You can’t follow a script to save your relationship or get your girlfriend to come back to you. It all has to come from you. But once you’ve improved yourself and gotten to the point where you don’t close yourself down emotionally anymore, it will come a lot easier and it won’t be something you need to struggle to do.
Closing Thoughts I covered a lot in this guide. If you’ve gone through this and you’ve actually done the exercises, you should be in a much better mental state of mind, you should have taken the steps you need to get your girlfriend back, and you now know how to navigate the various problems that may crop up in a relationship. What is most important though is that by using the information in this book, you’ve not only given yourself the best possible shot out there at getting your girlfriend back, but that you’ve learned some incredibly valuable tools that can help make every aspect of your life much more fulfilling and rewarding. You can apply these concepts to pretty much anything from your career, personal goals, and relationships with friends and family as well. Although, I know you came here to learn how to fix your relationship, I hope that you can gain the appreciation to continue applying these principles to every area of your life. The relationship was the carrot on the stick that taught you what you needed to know, but I hope that you now care enough about your own life and living it to it’s fullest that you will continue to explore how you can continue to deepen your experience of it even further. Thank you again for getting the Ex Solution Program, and I sincerely wish you the best with your relationship and in life.
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