Encyclopedia of Patter

ENCyCLOPEDI# OF PflTTEH

By ROBERT ORBEN

___ W IL L ALMA M.I.M.C. (LONDON)

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B N e re to P B M A OF P

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R O B E R T O R J& E M

A COMPILATION OF CH O ICE COM EDY MATERIAL ARRANGED IN COMPLETE ROUTINES FOR CONVENIENT USE BY THE D ISCRIM INA T IN G PERFO RM ER. :: :: :: :: ::

SECOND ED IT IO N

Copyright 191G A ll Rights Reserved. No part of this book m ay be reproduced in any fo rm without written perm ission from the author.

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Published By ROBERT ORBEN 2690 Webb Avenue New York 63, New York

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INTRODUCTION

Several months ago I sat down to write a hook and pondered carefully the question of what to write about. At first I was inclinjMl Jto do a book about this year’s female bathing suits — but after somc-pSclmunary research 1 found there wasn't enougfi_jnatQi'ial. Then 1 posed this question to myself: Whatj in this progressive day and age could I contribute to the onward march of civilization? Instantly, Ihe only possible answer occured to me. A book of patter for magicians and masters of ceremonies! For months I buried m yself in niv work--- 1 couldn’t eat! I couldn’t sleep! 1 couldiPt drink! I didn't have ally money... But eventually it was through. In my completely unprejudiced opinion, the greatest book in the his­ tory of show business. The following pages are composed of sure-fire material, guaran­ teed for laughs no matter how delivered. Gag for gag, situation for situation, it is better than the average routines done by top comedians of the screen, stage and radio. I have done my best to make them laugh proof but the reader of this book will have to rely to a large extent upon his own ingenuity to fit them into his act. Timing is essential in comedy of any sort. A mediocre comedian will extract from an audience 50% of the laughs that a capable comedian like Bob Hope, Milton Berle or any of the other top-notchers will, using the same material. This is so because they instinctively know what to say and when to say it. To be more specific, they never rush them­ selves with their material. If the audience feels like laughing over a gag that appeals to them, let them! Don’t hurry on to the rest of your routine and kill the laugh. Don’t recite to your audience. Speak the words as if you meant them and when relating incidents suppos­ edly happening to you, tell them convincingly. In short, live your part. In order to help your timing, you will find the material spaced and each space in between gags or even phrases indicates a pause in your delivery. Heed these! Intelligent usage of this guide will double the effect of your act. Finally, listen to sonic of the leading come­ dians on the radio, noting their style and method of delivery, rather than the jokes they use. More than anything else, this will make you a better comedian. There is also the question of when to use this material. By this I mean, will it fit into your act? Nothing is more laughable than a magician who does a half-dozen tricks posing as the Great I Am ■ —a man of mystery, and then suddenly goes into a rapid-fire comedy monologue. His audience might laugh but they won’t be laughing with him. Be consistent! If comedy fits in with your style and personality, use it. If it doesn’t, read the book and recommend it to

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your friends (I have to make a living too) but use your judgment before including any of it into your act. Magicians might say that some of the material has no relation to magic. That is so, but good comedy patter can be used in countless ways by the intelligent conjurer. Many eil'ects have unavoidable lulls that can be filled with excerpts from these routines. Manipula­ tions of coins, balls, cards and other items often are a Hop because of the dead stillness in the air during the act. Here, too the recitation of a routine will provide pleasure for the car as well as the eye. Comedy is always welcome and if you can double as comedian or M. C. besides your magic chores, you will find that jobs will be easier to get and repeat dates a practical certainty. There is a wide range of subjects covered in this book and with the basic material given and by intelligent cutting, revision and additions, you can turn these routines into tailor made laugh-getters. Exercise caution in your choice of material for the job you are playing. Some of the jokes used would not be advisable at church functions, children’s shows and locations patronized by the sedate and elderly. Conversely, emphasize this material at smokers, lodge-meetings, etc. This hook is meant to he used. Some of you may see a lot of jokes in it that you’ve already heard and summarily termed corny. You will undoubtedly call a lot of it “old stulf,” but speaking about old stuff I am putting down the following story that I saw in sev­ eral different popular magic magazines in the past few years. It goes: At an impromptu entertainment aboard a crowded transport going to France during the war, a magician was giving a great performance" On a perch overlooking the scene a stir insed parrot watched the artisF cause cards to disappear^ gold fisirT5owls-and giant bouquets oTliowers to>app~ear out of"tlmiiair. At llle~climax of~thesTreheets the sleight o r i i a n tl artist announced dramaticaIIy~to his soldier audience, “And now 1 will show you a feat unnafalTeled nTthe history of legertlermam.” Just as the parrot, yisibl^TmTTressecT by the words, was leaning forward to see better, there came a tre­ mendous explosion as a Nazi torpedo crashed through tTursule~of~tlie ship. Lights went out, whistles blew, hells ran;*, fire Unshed through tlie ship and oiie after another the giant boilers exploded. In ii few liiiniues the ship went down leaving the parrot sitting preeariousiy on a piece of driftwood. He saw the magician come'ter the surface, shout, "Help ! 1 and go down again. Once more thcTman came up. Once more he yelled “Help!” cince more lie disappeared. The third time he went down lor good- Jslnw~TlTero~was 110 ~trace~~of~tIie ship, the passengers or the performer. The parrot thought abotm iie \vhoie~llusiiiess ior a while and then sottiy murmured toTfimself ‘‘Amazing!” ' ~ At the time of publication in these magazines it was brand newr to the magical gentry and anyone re-telling it or reprinting it would have been thought a plagarist. This fact caught my curiosity

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and I decided to trace the origin of the joke. I found that it had been told in a score of different Avavs and credited to a dozen different personalities and quite a few eelebriles. I tracked it all the way back to 19152 when it appeared in a collection of original humor in which it was credited to Ed Wynn. With all respect to Mr. Wynn, I sincerely believe I could have gone even farther back. In short, a joke is new, no matter what its age, if you or your audience hasn’t heard it. I’ve given credit in very few places for the gags used because in most cases their source has been claimed by many. I’d just like to extend a simple thanks to all the comedians and comedy writers who have helped me in the compilation of this book. And now I leave you to the jokes with this reminder. This book is little but so is the atom bomb. Use its contents to good advantage. Wordily yours, Robert Orben Postscript — Many thanks to Frank Kelly for permission to use his swell rope opening and to Ted Trinkaus for the fine art work he produced for the cover.

ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER

ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER by

The State Library of Victoria ‘ALMA CONJURING COLLECTION’

ROBERT ORBEN

I have not included a Table of Contents because of the difficulty in classifying the various routines. They cover such a wide latitude and concern such diverse subjects that even the routine headings became a problem. Therefore I would recommend your just open­ ing the book and reading. For future references just mark the page you wish to remember on the spacious cover of this book. (If you arc called upon to M. C. a show or do a solo stint besides your magic, this is a perfect routine. Always remember to never give your audience too much humor. With one-liner material, ten minutes should be the absolute maximum time your act should run.) MY LIFE OF MAGIC or

s IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN--- 1 WOULDN’T By the unanimous request of two waiters and a dishwasher. I will relate the story ot iVly Lite of Magic-— ^ o r --- If I Had My Life To Live Over~Again — I Wouldn’t . ~ . . . Un the fatef 11!“night of June 16, liTTS~(substitute you birthdate) — 7i latetul nigtit~beeause nothing happened---- nothing happened and tliev called it (your n a m e )........... . 1 was born on a s t a i r c a s e and so~I came into life a stepchild . . iVIv niotlierloved children —-- she’d have given anything if I’d have been o n e .......... I’ve had magic in mv veins since I was born --- sometimes I wish lh a d blood . . . 7. Why some of my theatrical ancestors go as far back as Columbus, some of them even go as far back as Cincinnati..........At an early age I began to do magic and soon the neighbors took no'tice ot mv great talent — In fact I still have the scars to prove it . . . . . ATtlie age of two I was accused of making mv father’s whiskey disappear .. . . . Hecalled it iNio and Tuck whiskey — one nip andthey tucked him away for th e mght . . . . . I always get Blamed lor everything. Even as a baby they were pinning things on me J... . Mv first two years had been a monotonous lify but I never realized tha t I needed aThange tin til niy mirse reminded me........... My mind made up I clrTrmtrd-my'best Eton-suit--- motli-eaton that i s .......... and at the tender age of two began looking for a job. It wasn’t that people didn’t want to hire a two year old but they all wanted at least three years experience.......... It was then that I regretted spending my

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past two years in bed........ Although I was born iitf Chicago I began attending school in New York. After a week I began getting tired of traveling back and, forth though.........I was doing a card act at the time. I was so engrossed in my magic that when in school the tcacher ask me to count I would say, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King” ......... At the age of seven I was the brightest pupil in the mentally deficient group......... I stooTTnr the corner so much J had a triangular, forehead . . . . . Bui then Ihe lure of theTo7>tlights overcame me. TTwas'lhe most natural"tiling in the world for me td~~go~~on the stage! 1 coukhrt see" a thing From where~I~was sittin g ........... 1 entered a magic ctnrtcsT at tlurlocaMheatre and walkecPofl' with all the medals--but the manager caught me at the door and made me put them b ack ..........I did a twenty minute act---- ten minutes of magic and ten minutes to apologize for the first ten m inutes............I fmaHyclidwin a medal though. It was worth ten dollars and wasI proud of it! Every SundayT would take mv friends down to the pawnshop to see i t .........Finally Homesickness and lack of money brought" nil' bacK~fb my mother’s side and until tho~age of fonl l was tied~to my mother’s apron strings] I duTh’t jn in d this at all except when she sent the apron to the laundry . . TTTivlv ears usecT to get caught in the wringer.......... A" year later I struck out for myself once again and I can say that I earned my own living since I was eleven years old. Before that I guess I was just a b u m ......... What times I had! They sure were hectic and when I say hectic I mean exciting Eecause 1 don’t know what hectic'"means . . . . .~! Adolescence caught up with me as 1 was in Tlie inuRUe of a Boy Scout test. Instead of trailing a deer through the quiet woodland, I found myself trailing a dear down a quiet boulevard......... From that time on I became — a Girl Scout! . . . . I was at the in-between age, too old for Castoria and too young for Serutan.........But I was learning quickly. Already I knew that sloe-gin made some girls fa s t.......... I was sent abroad to study----but she couldn’t teach me anything......... At the age of sixteen I entered Pawtucket Uni­ versity in the state of Oblivion..........and four years later I grad­ uated--- and became a Sophomore.........Ah! good old P. U............ It was there that I invented the revolutionary new airmail stamp that got letters where they were going without an airplane. I put Gypsy Rose Lee’s picture on the stamp and the letters took off by them­ selves .......... I also had an invention that would make a girl six inches shorter---- a hole in the ground.......... The hardest thing I learned while at college was how to open beer bottles with a quarter............But it was there that my cultured manner was acquired but I gujbss that’s oblivious.........I’ll never forget Hie dnv that I took mv first bath! I’ll never forget the dav I-took my last bath! ---- same dav! ...........Now, once a week I go over mvself with an eraser and a whisk-broom........... :

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MY LIFE IN THE POST-SCHOOL ERA or DOESN’T HE EVER STOP? Upon leaving school I realized I would have to go to work. I was too nervous to steal........At first I worked for a knife sharpener hut I couldn’t, stand the g rin d..........For a short time I was in the artillery department of a pea cannery. I was in charge of shelling the peas......... Then I got a job in which I had ten thousand people Under m e--- 1 was watchman in a cemetery............In the sum­ mertime I worked 011 a grape farm and during harvest time I would tramp on the grapes with my feet to make wine. Suddenly though, something happened that changed the course of my entire career --- I developed fallen arches..........I turned to the glitter of Broad­ way and show business and became an electrician in a Broadway revue. It was one of those quick-change scenes with the stage all dark. The star asked for her tights and I thought she said lights .........Unemployed once again,! I tWrned to my first love, magic, and was soon behind (he footlights once more. My first show was the fastest I was ever in. A strip-teaser opened the show at 8 :10 and the police closed it at 8:12.........The theatre was so small I took a bow from the stage and hit my head on the balcony r a i l .......... I’m not saying the show was bad but even the empty seats got up and left ........ Half the audience would hiss me and the other half would ap­ plaud--- the hissing........... There’s no doubt about it though, my act was a success--- ’but the audience was a miserable failure........ Undaunted, I went on a personal appearance tour. I used to get a lot of advance publicity from the pictures of me hanging in the town’s post office......... One day while playing Loggerhead, Pa. — I played all the big cities.......... there was a big crowd outside the theatre shouting, “We want (your name)! We want------- !” and if the police hadn’t arrived in time they would have got me too.........Even the mice in the dressing rooms set traps for m e .......... Even so, I would have made a terrific hit but the seats were bad in all the theatres I played'--- they faced the stage.........I never had to worry about transportation in those days. After every performance the audience used to ride me out of town 011 a r a il......... By this time 1 was determined to go back to Harvard Medical School — as Ex­ hibit A ..........but then inspiration struck me (If you are playing with a band have the drummer crash a cymbal here) and I soon developed my rapid-fire comedy style and as a result was fired more rapidly than ever before........ Ah! but I was on my way to stardom. What an act I had! First I hypnotized my assistant into thinking she was a canary, so I gave her .birdseed for breakfast, dinner and supper--- then I went one better. I hypnotized her into thinking she was a sparrow and let her find her own fo o d ......... It was sen­ sational ! In the last theatre I played I had them rolling in the aisles --- -until the manager came down and took the dice a w ay .......... One triumph led to another and soon I found myself only five thous­

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and dollars in debt . . . . One grateful fan gave me a 112 piece after dinner set--- a box of tooth-picks and a finger bowl . . . . . Just the other night my agent threw me a big dinner---but it didn’t hit m e ........ You know what an agent is. That’s' a pick-pocket with a license......... My fortune was made! I owned houses, stables. I followed the horses--- with a shovel and broom .......... I even had a yacht. I called it the Club Sandwich-because it had three decks.............I played to packed houses in Washington and although I didn’t get my picture taken with the President I did have it taken with a man who works right under h im ----the stoker of the While House furnace.......... I even had a book dedicated to me. It was called the Wisdom of Confucious and Bertram Hossinphefi'er ■ ---Hossinphefi'er owned the typewriter.......... And then I returned in triumph to Little Old New York where I was booked for one year solid in the Boiler Room of the Hotel Astor........ Manhattan — that’s where four hundred years ago the Dutchcheated the Indians by giving them twenty four dollars in junk for it. Since I came back, the Indians have sent $4.(50 b a c k ........... And so, after all these years in show business, I think I’m the only one qualified to tell which came first, the bird or the egg — I’ve got them both ..........At least I can say the wolf’s not at my door any more ---no more door! MY IMPRESSION OF AN EVENING WITH A PUSH-BUTTON RADIO Once again we salute all you millions of radio fans and fannies ........... This is station N-U-T-S broadcasting on a hookup of (52 kilocycles, 38 motorcycles and 2 bicycles......... And now we bring you the news of the week. Flash! Sears Roebuck catalogue resumes pre-war thickness — farm boys again begin to learn the facts of l i f e ........... Albany, New York — Miss Nancy Taylor reported to police the loss of twenty dollars today. She said the money was concealed in her stocking and the loss was discovered soon after the departure of a vacuum cleaner salesman who had been demonstrat­ ing his lin e .........Shapeless, Mass............. Man found shot, stabbed, poisoned and hung--- police suspect foul p la y ............. Schultz’s butcher shop reports that Mr. Schultz backed into his meat grinder and so he’s a little behind in his orders........ And now our weekly success story. Moe and Joe, two brothers, worked hard all their lives to make a fortune. Finally Joe invented, a machine into which you inserted a dime and a new7 wife came o u t .......... He made a million dollars. But Moe---'Moe made ten million dollars. He invented a machine into which you inserted a wife and a new dime comes o u t........ I will now read you a letter from one of the many satisfied users of Campbell’s Beans. “Dear Sirs: for fifteen years 1 have been bed-ridden but after using your product I find I can’t stay in bed for more than five minutes at a time” ........The band will now play our theme song “Without A Word of Warning” ........... The

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first selection of our weekly poetry liour will be “Don’t Worry About the Woodpile Mother, Father W ill Come Home With A Load On” .......... At intersections look each way, a harp sounds nice but it’s hard to play............ Gypsy Rose dressed very thin, Gypsy Rose sat on a pin, Gypsy Rose..............Svengali Life Insurance Company; Gentlemen: You havo asked me to fill out so many proofs of claims, forms and questionaires and I have had so much trouble getting m y m o n e y that I sometimes wish my husband hadn’t died. .......... Flash!-— Leading fashion experts declare that women are wearing the same thing in brassieres this year........... Men! Did you wake up with a grouch this morning?—or did sheget up ahead of y o u ? .......... And now the answer to our jack-pot question of last week. The question: Who’s forty three and sleeps with cats? The Answer: Mrs. Katz.............. Use N EPO— the new super laxative. NEPO spelled backwards is open...........Remember, when all others fail NEPO will triumph in the end.............. Women factory workers attention!!! My advice to you is this. If the sweater is too big for you, look out for the machines — If you’re too bigfor thesweater, look out for the m e n ...........Do you see spots in front of your eyes? Then use Eigen’s Irish Eyelash Dye and see the spots in tech­ nicolor .......... And now we bring you the Loan Arranger brought to you by the Simon LeGree Finance Company........... Our guest tonight will be Sliyloclc H olm es.......... Girls! — There may be a destiny that shapes our ends but temporarily put your faith in Stretcho Girdles . . . . Remember — When your love begins to cur­ dle, you’d better buy yourself a girdle.......... Calling all cars in the vicinity of (local neighborhood). Calling all cars in the vicinity of ..................... Counterfeit ten dollar bills being distributed in your district. Be careful in accepting bribes---- Calling car 33. Call­ ing car 33. Go to the corner o f --------- and ----------- and break up crap games between cars 67 and 6 8 . . . . . . Use Sinko Soap — It doesn’t float, it doesn’t smell nice, it doesn’t clean, break in two or bubble—tit just keeps you company in the bath-tub..........Dear Mr. Agony..........Ten years ago I sent my husband out for a loaf of bread and he hasn’t returned since. What shall I do? Dear Madam: Don’t wait any longer, send out. for another loaf of bread .......... Calling car 62. Calling car 62. Wipe off your windshield. Somebody is stealing your radiator c a p ......... Calling all cars. Call­ ing all cars. Go to the lobby of the Hotel (local hotel). Hedy Lamaar standing there with hat on. That is a l l ..........Girls, has fate played you a dirty trick?--- Has nature been unkind to you?---Are you flat-chested?--- Well, make your torso-morso.......... Our motto is “What The Lord’s Forgotten — We Stuff With Cotton” . . . . Try Upton’s Uplifting Uplifts — they make mountains out of mole­ hills !

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THE SAGA OF DAISY or I GO OUT WITH GOOD GIRLS — I CAN’T AFFORD THE OTHER KIND I’ll never forget the first time I met her-— and don’t think I haven’t tried......... I won’t say how it happened but it sure cured me of whistling........ I was at a New Year’s party when the effects of seventeen MololofT Cocktails took their toll. Slowly I collapsed to the floor and there she w a s .......... lying under a table with a Coolidge button tightly clasped in her little h a n d ......... The aroma of faint perfume clung tenderly to her — Schenley No. f> ............ I say faint perfume because it made you want to do just that......... She looked beautiful that night — she looked as ii' she had just stepped out of Vogue--- and fell flat on her fa c e ........... Like a Power’s model who had lost most of her power........ I knew at once she was a lady — she had just come out of a room marked that . . . . She always traveled with the upper set — the lower set she kept in a glass of water......... I know, I saw them one day 011 her dresser with a cigar between them........ Ah! but those lips, those ears, those cheeks, that eye.......... She had everything that Betty Grable has only she had it thirty years longer......... She had lips like petals — petals on a bicycle........... A school-girl complexion with big diplo­ mas under her eyes.......... She had shiny black hair and nails to m atch........... And her teeth! They were like sparkling water — Seven U p ........ There were so many cavities in her teeth she talked with an echo........... For years I wondered why she wore such wrinkled stockings — then I found out she wasn’t wearing any . . . . She was the only girl who could really say she got her good looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon......... She didn’t make iij) her face, she assembled i t .........Someone once said she had the face of a child. That may have been so but she was getting it aw­ fully wrinkled..........I don’t think even the child wanted it back ..........And what a figure! The only thing a sweater did for her was to keep her w arm ......... If it wasn’t for her Adam’s apple she wouldn’t have had any figure at a l l ......... She was so fat she could answer the front door without leaving the kitchen........... Every time she walked past a drug-store the scales jumped inside.......... One day she was dressed all in green and when she accidentally yawned, somebody stuck a letter in her m o u th .......... She used to be in show business. She did a novelty act in which she sang a duet all by herself........ She said she was thirty at the time. Well, thirty is a nice age for a woman — especially if she happens to be fifty .......... All I have to say is, she will never1 be as old as she looked.......... Why, she was so old she knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.......... In those days she used to do an acrobatic act, and what a climax she had. She used to lean over backwards and pick up her handkerchief with her teeth. For an encore she used to pick up her teeth........ I asked her if she would be free that

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evening. She said no but she’d be reasonable..........So we visited her parents. Her family’s in the iron and steel business. Her mother irons and her father---- lie’s a swell g u y ............They were put out of their house so much they got curtains to match the sidewalks ......... It wasn’t really her father’s fault. He was just superstitious. He wouldn’t work any week that had a Friday in i t ......... And I’ll never forget how proud I was the day she graduated from school — reform school........... We used to stroll in the woods and pick flowers. Occasionally her little brother would follow us and then we had to pick flow ers.............. I called her Daisy because she grew wild in the woods.......... She never liked swimming, it made her feet too big. She never liked tennis, it made her arms too big. She never liked horseback riding, i t .......... She once went out with a gu!y she thought was the strong silent type. Then she found out he was suffering from Halitosis and had to keep his mouth shut .........She said she was an old-fashioned girl and drank a dozen of them (o convince h im ......... They went to the zoo and there was a sign there saying “Please Don’t Feed the Animals” ---- so he put her dow n......... She was so sentimental. Every night I would take her little hand in mine--- and twist it until she dropped the k n ife .......... And every Christmas she hung up her stockings for Santa Claus and all she ever got in them was a summons from the Board of Health........ One day she found a man in her bedroom and she gave him twenty four hours to get o u t ........... But then tragedy struck. I still remember that last day when I asked her if I could kiss her hand and she looked at me so sweetly and said, “Whassa matter, is my mouth dirty?” .........She said she was going to lose fifty pounds in two weeks. I didn’t think she could do it but in two weeks she went down from 200 to 150 pounds-—— casket and a ll........They found $5000 sewed in her bustle. That’s an awful lot of money to leave behind........ You know' what a bustle is. It’s nothing but a deceitful seatful......... Now every Sunday I visit her grave with that tender inscription upon the head-stone “She Was Just A Communist’s Daughter, But Everyone Got His Share.” PATTER ROUTINE FOR CLIPPER (This is that old-timer in which you fold a strip of newspaper in half and clip off the folded end. When you again open the strip it is found to be completely restored. The trick is now being sold under several different names such as Clipper, Clippo, Clipp-it, Snip-o, etc. The dealer from which you obtained this book prob­ ably has it in stock. You may make your own trick by simply cutting out one complete want ad column from your local newspaper and spreading a thin layer of good grade rubber cement over the entire length of it. When it has half dried, dust talcum powder over the rubber cement and then remove the excess powder. From a distance this prepared strip will never be noticed. The trick is self-working for the pressure of the scissors snipping the end off automatically seals the paper together again. Follow the directions

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carefully as to just when to cut and when to open the strip of paper.) (Have prepared strip of paper and scissors in your pocket when you come out on stage.) I just got in from Florida the other day and helieve me that place is wonderful. In one week you’re well enough to go back to work and poor enough to have t o ........... I was living in a boarding house down there but finally the land lady asked me to leave. She knew I was a bachelor and one night she heard me drop my shoes on the floor--- twice........... I had lived there two years but I was going to leave anyway. I just dis­ covered they didn’t have any bath-tub...........When I arrived in (name of your town) I didn’t realize there was such a housing short­ age. Rooms are so scarce the only way to get a place to live in is to get arrested..........It’s so crowded even the ghosts can’t find a house to h au n t........... Some hotels are even installing gold fish bowls in telephone booths and renting them out as room and bath ......... I finally got to a hotel and asked them if they had my reser­ vation. They said yes, they had my reservation, but they didn’t have any room s......... I asked the clerk if he could get me a suite for five dollars — so he gave me a Hershey bar . . . . At times I think I was born under the “No Vacancy” sig n.......... Finally they gave me a room at the O.P.A. stealing price.......... What a room! They advertise ice water in every room but I didn’t expect it to be up to my knees..........They told me it would have a twelve piece bed-room set. It had a twelve piece bed-room set alright. A pic­ ture frame, a picture, a pane of glass, a wire and a nail to hang it with, a hair brush and sixi bristles......... The room had a very .high ceiling---that is until the elevator came dow n...........Everything in it was imported. The clocks came from Switzerland, the lace from Belgium, the glassware from Holland and the silverware from Horn &Hardart.........They advertised feather beds in every room. There were three of us in the room and every hour we changed places so that everyone had a chance to sleep on the feather...........That was too much. I decided to find a room by looking in the classified ad section of the (local newspaper). (Take out strip of newspaper and scissors and pretend to begin reading it.) Ah! Here’s one. “Thirtyfourth Street and Sixth Avenue. Two room suite in R. H. Macy’s window......... open exposure . . . . handy to shopping . . . . plenty of window space” .......Well, that’s one way to keep in the public’s eye but I thought I would be a little too much in it, so I decided to eliminate it. (Fold the strip of newspaper and snip off the folded end with the scissors. Now open it and profess surprise at its resoration.) Maybe this would do. “Star Drug Store. Vacant phone booth . . . . electric fan . . . . hand}7 to luncheonette . . . . free electric light . . . . just perfect for an upright tenant” . . . . Well, this was promising but after some consideration I decided to cut it out. (Again snip off folded end and restore.) The next one reads, “Four­ teenth Precinct Jail. Single rooms only.........Long term lease nec­ essary . . . . fascinating neighbors . . . . they’ll slay you” . . . . This was a little too confining for my tastes and so once again I eliminate it. (Snip off and restore) By this lime I was running

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around in circles (Cut a U shaped piece out of the folded end. Simply start at one corner and cut down and around until you reach the other corner. Upon opening the strip you will have a round hole in the paper, held together by the two side portions of the paper. Practice this a bit and it will come easily to you.) and my nerves were becoming jagged. (Cut a zig-zag line across the folded end and when the paper is opened it will he held together by jagged edges.) I was even ready to go to (Cut the folded end from a point 1 \ /-> inches down on one side up to the corner of the other side. In other words, at a 45 degree angle so that when the paper is opened up it will be in the form of an L.) L to find a room. Hut the next ad proved to be available and so I snipped it out (Snip end and show restored) and then tore the paper apart, confident that I wouldn’t have to use it anymore. (Pull the two pieces apart and hold in each hand during the following gags.) I finally found the place but it was more spooky than the sewers of Paris. At least the sewers of Paris have running water.........Well, I shouldn’t say that. The room had running w ater----- when the ceiling le a k e d ............The

place had air-conditioning though. When the conditions were right. I had a ir .......... My room was so small I couldn’t brush my teeth sideways--- 1 had to brush them up and dow n........... Every time I b li n k e d m y ey es I w a s h e d th e w i n d o w s ................ I e v e n h a d to g o into the next room to change my mind . . . . But even so I had one of the better rooms. Mine had a window in i t ..........As you came in there was a big sign facing you saying “Don’t Slam the Door— It’s Holding Up the Walls” ......... To get hot water you banged on th e w a t e r p ip e s w i t h a h a m m e r to le t th e j a n i t o r k n o w y o u w a n t e d h o t w a t e r -------- a n d th e j a n i t o r b a n g e d r i g h t b a c k w i t h a w r e n c h to

let you know you weren’t going to get i t ......... When I rented the room they said it overlooked the park. From where I was it looked as if it overlooked it completely........ But the windows did overlook a nudist camp. I guess you might say it was a room with sudden exposure............They had beautiful winding staircase downstairs.

Every morning I could hear them going down to wind it up again ........Talk about the straw that broke the camel’s back. I Avas sleep­ ing on it last nig ht......... They said it was a bed that Paul Revere had slept in. From th e w a y it sagged i n t h e middle h i s h o r s e must luwe s le p t t h e r e w i t h h i m ......... The l a n d l a d y b o u g h t a l l t h e f u r n i ­ t u r e i n m y r o o m A v itli s o a p c o u p o n s . She s p e n t most o f h e r t i m e in m y r o o m b e c a u s e the o t h e r r o o m s Avere s o f u l l o f s o a p s h e c o u l d n ’ t get any furniture into th e m ..........But I finally had to leave. She kept her wardrobe in my room for so long I finally A ve n t up to her and said, “Mrs. Nussbaum, would you kindly take your chest out of my room?” ......... Landladies are nice avI i c i i you first move in but l e t a y e a r o r so g o b y A v ith o u t p a y in g y o u r r e n t a n d y o u ’r e t h r o w n o u t .............. I lo o k e d a t m y t o r n w a n t a d c o lu m n a n d d e c id e d to d o my

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asylum). At last I had found a room. (Keep cutting and restoring the paper as you make your exit.) (If you wish to shorten this routine you may omit everything up to where the actual cutting begins. M. C.’s may adopt this patter for a complete housing shortage routine by omitting the references to cutting; etc.) SHE WAS ONLY A CARNIVAL QUEEN BUT SHE SURE MADE A LOT OF CONCESSIONS The first time I ever saw her was at the annual meeting of the Sing Sing Alumni Association--- Class of ’36. She was the most popular girl there. Of course that’s not saying much. Nowadays the only difference between a popular and an unpopular girl is simply one says yes and the other says n o .........She was just a little country girl who always went out with city fellows because farm hands were too rough......... She’s as pretty as a picture and has a frame to m atch.........She has a remarkable ])rofile— all the way down . . . . I don’t remember ever having really met her. I .just opened my billfold and there she w as........ They called her carefree -— she didn’t care as long as it was free . . . . Romance was in the air. My heart was in the clouds, and her hand was in my pocket ......... She was one of those shy, demure girls The kind you have to whistle at twice . . . . She asked me if I wanted to dance. I said, “I don’t dance, but I’d love holding you while you do” .......... She can’t really dance so well but can she intermission! ..........She bad hips like Mae West, legs like Betty Grable and her face----- Gosh, I forgot to' look at her face . . . . She said she was a movie actress. If that’s so only two good things have ever come out of Hollywood and she had both of them . . . . She had only one problem in life. How to show a lot of herself and a lot of expensive clothes at the same tim e........ She had on something new. A barbed wire dress ■ — it protects the property without obstructing the v ie w ............It showed everything but good taste . . . . She said she paid a shocking price for the dress but that was only fair. It was a shocking dress ..........She also had 011 a beautiful mink coat! I still don’t know whether she got it to keep her warm or quiet . . . . I asked her where she would meet me that night and she said half-Avay . . . . So we went to her house and sat in the living room to listen to the radio. Her kid brother followed us in so we had to listen to the radio . . . . I tried to get rid of him by offering him a quarter to go to the movies. He said, “Don’t be a sucker. Here’s a half-dollar, let me stay and watch” ......... The next day I came around again with my mind made up to stay at home but she had her face made lip to go o u t .......... So we Avent to the beach. I was having a swell time teaching her how to swim until the life guard came along and made us go into the water . . . . She’s supposed to be the cream of society but whenever I talk to her she curdles............I used to make love to her overt the phone. Finally too many people objected and we had to get out of the booth . . . . But then I began to find

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out about her. She began going out with an accomplished author and I began wondering how much he was accomplishing..........She knew so many sailors she didn’t keep a diary anymore—it was more like a ship’s log . . . . The Navy Department even stationed an S. P. in her vestibule . . . . . And then came the last straw. She got mar­ ried. She was so used to having things done for her that she married a man with five kids........ I told her I was going to inherit a fortune from my father when he died so what do you think happened? •—■ She’s my m other!..........She was so pleased with the wedding she could hardly wait till the next o n e .......... Of course there’s a lot to be said in her favor but it’s not nearly as interesting.......... So now you see why I’m forgetting women. In fact, I’m for getting some as soon as possible............... COMEDY SONG TITLES (When introducing a vocalist about to sing you can use one of these titles or use them in one of your routines. Several of them may be strung together by simply emphasizing OR after each title.) I (He, She) will now sing that perennial favorite: I’ll Re Seizing You In All The Old Familiar Places. Go Into The Roundhouse Nellie, He Can’t Corner You There. Don’t Raise The Bridge Gateman, Lower The Water. I Want A Girl, Just Like The Girl, That Married Harry James. Mother, Please Don’t Point Father At Me; He Might Be Loaded Again. PATTER FOR THE RETURNED SERVICEMAN (Now that so many entertainers are being released from service I felt that a special routine for the returned serviceman would be appropriate. Those of you who did your job on the home front may use this routine by substituting some friend of yours or member of the show as the leading character in it. The older men can change the material a little and use it as their experiences in the last war. I found that the audiences are really lapping this up and you will do well to add it to your act. As some of you may know I’ve just left the all-star show staged by Uncle Sam. That show played every corner of the world and had the largest cast in history. Although the reviews haven’t all been printed yet I think it made quite an impression upon some of its audiences. After (time of service) of service I’ve seen quite a few sights and I think you might be interested in hearing about some of them. You know, at the age of six I opened by little mouth and momentous w'ords came forth, “Mama,” I said “I was just put into 1A.” At that time little did I know7 that 20 years later I would again open my mouth and say, “Mama, I was just put into A l” ........... I joined the army for three reasons: 1 . I wanted to defend my coun­

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try. 2. I knew it would build me up physically. 3. They came and got m e ..........I went in as something of a celebrity. My draft board

voted me the most likely to succeed........ All my friends called me a coward because I quit the 0. P. A. to become a paru-trooper . . . . The first thing they did in cam]) Avas give me a physical. At the time they told me to watch my P ’s and Q’s --- 1 had my hands full

holding up my B. V. D.’s . . . . When you first come into the army they tell you to stop thinking. They say that they’re going to do all the thinking for you--- and you’d be surprised at the things those people can think o f ........... In a short time I gained sixty pounds. Two pounds of flesh and fifty-eight pounds' of equipment ......... They gave me a rifle that Aveighed 8.08 pounds. After I car­ ried it for a few hours I thought the decimal point had dropped out . . . Then they made me take a hair-cut. They have two prices for the G. I. haircuts, 25 and 50c. With the fifty cent one they take oil’ your h a t ........... W ith the twenty-five cent one they take oil' your

h ead..........Across the street Avas another barber shop advertising “G I. Haircuts Repaired—-75c” ..........And the food in that camp

Avas absolutely poison--- and such small p o r tio n s !...............One day I Avas late for roll call and the sergeant came over to me and said in a Avell modulated snarl, “Well, it’s nice to see you soldier. W e had so feared you had signed a separate peace” ...........I finally Avas s e n t to a s c h o o l d o w n South f o r a d v a n c e t r a i n i n g . That s c h o o l Avas s o adAra n c e d that o n e d a y I d r o p p e d a p e n c i l a n d by the time I had picked it up I had .missed a year of solid geom etry........... I e s p e c i a l ly l i k e d t h o s e s o u t h e r n girls A v ith t h e i r s o u t h e r n d r a w l s . You a s k e d o n e o f t h e m f o r a k i s s a n d b e f o r e she c o u l d s a y no i t was

too late........ One day I dialed a number thinking I Avas calling one of them and began to sound off as to just Avhat Avas Avrong Avith army life. When I had ripped the army into shreds the voice on the other end asked, “Do you know avIio this is?” Before I could ansAver it said, “This is Colonel Smith, your commanding officer.” I thought a moment and then asked, “Do you know avIio this is?” The Col­ onel said, “No” Avhereupon I answered, “Thank God,” and hung up ..............I AA’a s s t a n d i n g g u a r d d u t y o n e n i g h t A v h en a s o l d i e r c a m e up to me Avithout his identification card. Although he protested vehe­ mently I Avouldn’t let him pass, just as the book said. Finally he screamed at me, “Do you know Avhat these mean?” and he pointed to tAvo stars on liis shoulders. But he couldn’t fool me; I was too smart for him. “Sure,” I snapped right back, “You’ve got t w o sons in the service” . . . . W hile a civilian I always admired the Avay the army kept its buildings so nice and clean. I didn’t find out until I got in avIio keeps them so nice and c le a n ............ I Avas the only soldier to get a Purple Heart for housemaid’s knee . . . . But finally we got our marching orders and set out by railroad for the coast. It Avas one of those progressive railroads. They couldn’t raise the AvindoAvs of the train so they air-conditioned the c a r s ...........Those trains Avere so late Ave saAv a troop of Confederates passing iis on the A vay to Gettysburg........... In fact I think they even mentioned

troop trains in the Bible. It said, “The Lord made every creeping thing” ......... The train Avas so croAvded Avith government big shots

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and brass that finding sleeping room was a problem. We finally decided that the most important person, a General, should sleep in a lower berth. One less famous in an upper berth, and next on a sofa, the next on a chair and so on. I’m not saying where I slept but I was the first one to brush my teeth in the morning . . . . . All night long all I beard was “Clickety-clack, clickety-elack, clieketvclack.” Finally seeing I couldn’t get any sleep I got up and joined the crap gam e......... We invented a new dice game that night. It was called Lana Turner because everybody makes passes........... When we got to the coast we were packed into a transport and soon we were on our way to the Pacific. Did I have a rough time going overseas! I suffered from sea-sickness and lock-jaw ---- both at the same tim e.........While on the ship we heard about the terrible privations the civilians at home were enduring. There was a rumor that there was such a shortage of gas the motorists had to push their cars over pedestrians . . . . In no time at all we arrived in the Reform Islands. They called them the Reform Islands because the natives were always turning over a new leaf . . . . It was there that we saw our first Jap Zero. They weren’t so much. In fact those Jap Zero planes were just like a pair of step-ins. It took only one Yank to bring them d ow n.......... Incidentally, I was the one who made the record-breaking parachute jump of ‘1 0 ,0 0 0 feet. I don’t care about the record--- I just want to know what wiseguv wrote Gentlemen on the bomb-bay d o o r........... We used to sing a song dedicated to the para-troops, “It Don’t Mean A Thing If You Don’t Pull That Siring” ..........After a few months I got a pass and went into town. I asked one of the natives, “Are there any nice girls in this town?” She said, “All the girls in this town are nice.” So a half hour later I arrived in Hie next to w n ......... It was there that I met her. They called her the Otficer’s Mess because she was always stewed..........It was love at first sight. I only had a twenty-four hour pass.......... She said she wanted a vine covered cottage with little things crawling on the floor. I thought we should have chil­ dren too though.......... Finally I asked her father for her band in marriage and I never realized how much he liked me until he warned me not to marry her . . . . In plain words I asked for her hand and got his foot in return . . . . Slowly we became aware of the strike situation even though we were thousands of miles from the U. S. A. I had a picket following me for months until I began to wear union suits.......... Speaking of union suits it got so cold on the islands at night that I used to wear six suits of red flannel underwear at one time. Boy, was I flap-happy........ And then I returned to the States in triumph. I was decorated for saving the lives of an entire regi­ ment. I shot the cook......... On the return trip I discovered there were places even foggier than London. In fact one place I was in was so foggy I don’t even know where it was . . . . When I landed in the States I went right up to a Major General standing on the pier and spit right in his face. I had to, his mustache was on fire ......... I can’t really say I enjoyed my stay in the army, none of lis did. We saw a job that had to be done and done well. I can only say that it was a privilege to be able to fight for a cause that is true

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and a land that is free. After the smoke of battle and the mist of war have cleared away though I can think of only one thing to say— I gave the best years of my wife to my country. CARD FAN PRODUCTION FINALE (After you have produced several fans of cards from your suppos­ edly empty hand use this one for cute ending.) Recite: Last night I held a little hand So dainty and so sweet, I thought my heart would surely break So w ildly did it beat. No other hand in all the world Can greater solace bring Than the pretty hand I held last night Four Aces and a King!

(As you speak this last line make your last production and throw the cards away from you as you make your bow. If the stage is well back from the audience you may use any cards but if you are working close-up be sure to have four aces and a king for your last fan.) BURLESQUE or SHE STRIPPED FOR A BARE EXISTENCE I went to the (local burlesque house) theatre the other night. Their shows are recommended for the family but not your own . . . . The night I was there they featured the music of Minsky Korsets-off . . . . They had a revue of twenty girls—ten costumes . . . . Every night they came out and paraded around the stage barefoot up to their chins . . . . The star of the show was Maria Matzolis . . . She was only a tree surgeon’s daughter but she had the best limbs in the show . . . . She spent the best years of her life being seen in the right places---in other words a strip-teaser........... When the show opened she was inexperienced but now' she’s outstripping them a ll......... They offered her a hundred dollars a week to come out dressed with only a feather. In no time at all she was making two hundred dollars a w eek.......... She does an unusual dance in which she loses several pounds every performance. Several pounds of clothing.......... It’s sort of a modernistic fan dance — she uses an electric fan . . . . After the show I asked her if it didn’t embarass her to go out before so many people with no clothes on. She said, “No, I was born that way” .......... But I give her credit. She’s one woman who brings home the bacon--- one strip at a tim e ......... She drove her doctor crazy trying to vaccinate her in a

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place where it wouldn’t show . . . .I n the last act a chorus girl who was late ran out onto the stage with nothing on but nobody even noticed the difference..........Speaking of chorus girls I once knew two chorus girls who absent-mindedly undressed in front of an open hotel window. One caught a bad cold — the other a rich bachelor .........Last week there was a fire in the chorus girl’s dressing room and it took the firemen five hours to put it out. One hour to put the fire out and four hours to put the firemen out. I GO IN SEARCH OF FOOD or WHY? I just ate in a little restaurant in town called the Chez Paree --- that’s French for Shapiro.......... When you walk into the place you go down two steps — literally and socially.......... I won’t say it’s a clip joint but the only thing you can get for a quarter in there is twenty cents......... They have blue mirrors all over the place so when you see your check you don’t turn p a le ............It’s really swanky though, they even have monogrammed napkins. At least I thought they were monogrammed napkins until my monogram crawled away . . . . Business was so good they had the ropes up — the bosses hung themselves . . . . As I entered the place I asked a waitress, “Do you serve crabs in here?” She looked at me and said, “Sit down, we serve anybody” ......... Then I asked her where the menu was and I had walked all the way to the back of the res­ taurant before I realized she had misunderstood m e .......... I never saw such crooks! On the way back to my table I bent over to tie my shoelaces. Someone jacked me up and stole my shoes.......... They have a wonderful Chinese cook there. His American name is “Sneeze” — that’s because they call him Ah Chou back in China . . . . He baked pies that everyone raved about. Well, nearly every­ one, the rest just foamed at the m outh .......... He serves the most delicious tea in the city which would be allright only the menu says it’s soup . . . . The restaurant is famed for its wonderful 8 course din­ ner for 15c — seven baked beans and a finger-bowl . . . They also have a special every day. All you can eat for $5-1-— alka-seltzer extra.......... I looked at the menu and had already ordered two plates of Guiseppie Vercilli when I found out it was the name of the proprietor..........I settled for soup but when I got it there was a big fly in the middle of it. I called over the waitress and told her about it but all she did was lean over and whisper, “Shlih, everybody wrill want one” . . . . Well, I called over another waitress and com­ plained about the fly and all she said was, “What do you expect for a dime, elephants?” .........By this time I was furious and went over to the manager and told him there was a fly in my soup. He just shook his head and said. “Pliui, wait’ll you see the coffee” . . . . Forgetting the soup I ordered wild duck but the waitress said she was all out of it. She did say she could get me a tamed duck and

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annoy it though.......... As a last resort I ordered a steak and believe me it’s tough when you have to pay two dollars for a steak. When you only pay one dollar it’s tougher......... I told the waitress I was hungry enough to eat a horse and ten minutes later I was sorry I opened my m outh..........At first I didn’t see the steak but then I moved a French fried potato and there it was . . . . Confidentially I think that steak was making a comeback . . . . It was so lougli I couldn’t stick the fork in the gravy . . . . The waitress said the steak was smothered in onions. It iastcd as if it died a hard death . . . . I asked her to call the manager but she said, “Don’t be silly— lie won’t eat it either” ..........While I was wailing for dessert I read some of the signs they had on the wall. One read “There Are No Rais In. This Restaurant.” If that’s the truth they have the biggest mice in town.......... Over the cash register they have a. sign that says, “We Have An Agreement With The Rank, We Don’t Cash Checks If They Don’t Sell Hamburgers” . . . . . Right in front of me was one reading “Watch Your Hat And Coat.” So I watched my hat and coat and somebody stole my cup of coffee . . . . So I got up and left the waitress a nickle tip. She just looked at me disgust­ edly and said, “What are you trying to do, seduce me?” . . . . Rut it’s really a swell place. I’d rather go there than eat — and I usually do. MAGICDOTES Senator Claghorn (a noted southern legislator) says he never goes to see a magician unless he has a confederate in the audience. A Confederate, that is. A magician was eating a rabbit stew in a restaurant one day when it suddenly didn’t agree with him and he hurriedly left the room. A waiter who was watching the incident chuckled to himself and said, “That’s the first time I ever saw a rabbit make a magician disappear.” Have you beard about the magician who walked down Broadway and turned into a drug store? Orson Welles tells of the gushing feminine admirer of a noted magician who rushed up to him one day and said, “Mr. --------I think you’re m a r v e 1 o u s and your tricks are so mystifying. I’ve never seen anything like it before—especially the one in which you make a bird cage disappear up your sleeve.” I once knew a girl who said she did card tricks. She wasn’t very good at sleight of hand but she sure could make the jack dis­ appear.

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MY BOSS or MY BUDDY WITH THE FRINGE ON THE TOP (Use your best judgment on this routine, I know more than one entertainer who went looking for a job after he realized that his boss didn’t have the sense of humor he was supposed to have. Parts of the following can also be used against male hecklers.) I get paid weekly here — very weakly..........My contract is so Es^nall I had to sign it in short h a n d ..........I get exactly (cough or ^•lear your throat) dollars a w eek.......... cold cash—I call it cold g pjrash because I never have it long enough, to warm it u p .........Last 7.: c*veck I made up my mind to get a new contract so I tore up my old y°ne and walked up to my boss and said, “Mr. Penny-Pincher, (If you , ; ,-jdon’t like the job use his right name) I demand a new contract.” • pHe was very nice about it — he stayed up all night with me while I pasted the old one back together again.......... He throws niekles 5i\9around like manhole covers........... He’s so cheap he carries his j; y wife’s false teeth with him to keep her from eating between meals l'j ^ .........Everytime I shake hands with him I count my fingers........... o "'Whenever a customer walks away forgetting his change he taps 2 ? q wildly on the counter with a sponge to attract their attention . . . . U All lie thinks about is money. Every successful venture puts a new •£ wrinkle in his face. What I want to know is, how can one face P be so successful?..........He has so many wrinkles on his forehead he has to screw his hat on . . . . His ears arc so big he looks like s3* a taxi with both doors open . . . . He’s the only guv I know who would marry Hedy Lamaar for her money . . . . When he was first married he knew where his wife kept her niekles—then he found out where the maid’s quarters w ere......... He may lie old but lie’s still in there pinching...........One day he took one of the chorus girls for a ride in a taxi and she was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter . . . . Last week he saw a big sign adver­ tising the fastest leg show in town. He went inside and in a minute he came out yelling he was robbed. It* turned out to be a six day bike race . . . He’s really a nice fellow though, has a heart of gold and teeth to match . . . . Every night he sleeps with his head in a safe . . . . . The sweetest thing I can say about him is that he has B. 0. . . . . At this time I wish to1 announce the fact that the opinions ex­ pressed in the foregoing monologue are not necessarily those of my­ self or my agent............. THE VALUE OF MONEY or ARE YOU KIDDING? wnat good is money anyway? Can it buy you health? Can it buy you love? Of course I’m talking about confederate money . . . . Money doesn’t always bring happiness. A man with ten million

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dollars is no happier than a man with nine million dollars . . . They say marriage without love is misery blit the way I figure it, if I have money at least I can pick the kind of misery I want to live with the rest of my lif e ..........One day I was standing outside the Hotel (Local hotel), incidentally that’s where I live---outside the Hotel-------- . . . . and I was watching all those people roll up in big limousines with diamond rings and fur coats. Do you think they’re happy?--- You’re damned right they are.......... But what’s money? Money stinks!--- but I don’t mind its sm ell........... A CROOK’S TOUR OF HOLLYWOOD Hollywood — that’s where they get married for better or for worse, but not for lo n g ......... They divorce so often out there that they put in the marriage ceremony the words, “Whom California hath joined, let not Nevada put asunder” . . . . All they do out there is gamble. A friend of mine runs a floating dice game in Hollywood — he uses ivory soap for cubes......... cleans u p ............and there are only two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.......... Everybody’s trying to make money. Even the directors are always trying to make a little extra 011 the side . . . . They’re installing barber poles in the studios to remind the girls of all the close shaves they’ve had . . . . I made a picture out there. It was called “Murder in the Telephone Booth or Your Party has been Disconnect­ ed” ......... I did most of my work in the picture sitting down---that’s where I shine......... When it was released it was so bad even the ushers avoided i t ........ However I did do a personal appearance with it and drew a line two blocks long. It might even have been long­ er but the manager come out and took my chalk away . . . . They showed my picture on the outside of the theatre to drive people in . . . . I just heard Ray Milland was given! four roses by the distillers of America for his performance in the Lost Week-end. That’s noth­ ing --- the breweries of America voted me the Hop-of-the-Week ...........They’re always building Ray Milland up as such a great actor. Why Ray Milland and I both have the same peculiar style of acting only mine’s more peculiar.......... While in Hollywood I was responsible for the success of the picture “Love Letters” though. I licked the stamps . . . . But I’m happy to say that the studios are making money wT ith my films. They’re cutting them up into small pieces and selling them for guitar picks. PATTER FOR FEMALE MAGICIANS OR ASSISTANTS (The lady magician has been completely neglected in magical litera­ ture and to some extent I hope this will make up for previous slights. This routine can be used by the female conjurer or by a girl assistant. It is especially suited for a situation in which the magician must go back-stage for a change of custume or load and while he is doing this his girl assistant can be performing this short routine out front.)

EXCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER

23

It was in this very theatre four years ago that I met him. He asked me if I wanted to go on a double date and I said yes, so be brought another girl along......... The very first time he held me in his arms something within me snapped. He thought it was war­ time romance, but I knew it was war-time elastic..........I knew if was lasting love and as he held me I said I was his body and soul but he wanted to know what else I had to o ile r......... We went to the movies one night to see Betty Grable and Lana Turner. The usher came down and told him to stop smoking. I thought this was peculiar because he didn’t have a cigarette lit at the time . . . . Then he said he was going to put his head 011 my shoulder. Up till that time I didn’t know it was o f f ..........He was so protective! He always went with me to the dentist--- He said he wanted to be sure he didn’t pull anything.......... Oh, we had some quarrels but he always patched things up again, my nose, my lips, my jaw ..........Soon our deep love had turned into friendship.............We planned a run-away marriage. Everytime I planned, he ran away . . : . . And then came that tragic night. I remember it so well be­ cause bis liair looked so beautiful I asked him to wear i t ......... And then he died in my arms. He had a bad cough and drank a bottle of poison instead of a bottle of cough syrup. He had seen the skull and crossbones on the label but he, thought one of the Smith Broth • ers had shaved. INCOME TAX or GOD’S GIFT TO GOVERNMENT I paid my income tax the other day. I had twenty different books on HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR INCOME TAX FORM. They tell you everything but where to get the money to pay i t ........... I sent a letter to Washington suggesting an easier way to collect income tax. Everybody would simply mail bis entire salary to the government and they would send you a check each week to live 011 . . . . I had to divorce my wife last week because I couldn’t support her and the government on my salary..........And those tax forms! I bear there’s only one person in America who doesn’t have to