Diesel Island Passport 3

To whom it may concern: Let the bearer of this passport enter and exit Diesel Island territory at will, without any requirements of visa, taking off their shoes or having to throw away their ridiculously  overpriced water at airport gates... for this person is a citizen of Diesel Island.

(Flattering full body photograph)

OOPSY CLIFFS

E V E RY R E L I G I O N R E T R E AT

P I R AT E R A D I O S TAT I O N

HONEST POLITICIAN’S REPOSE

G O AT ’ S B A L L S SHAPED L AGOON

P I L LOW F I G H T TRENCHES

SOCIAL MEDIA REHAB CENTER

C RO O K E D S E NAT O R ’ S PAT H

ADDICTIVE G R A F F I T I B AY

H AV E A N I C E B AY

B AC H E LO R PA RT I E S L AGOON

F R E E B AY

S E X UA L E N E RG Y FAC T O RY SHAKE AND MOAN BU S H E S

Fo r a v i r t u a l t o u r o f t h e i s l a n d , g o t o w w w. d i e s e l . c o m

THE DREAM All countries are f***ed up. With capital asterisks. Some of them, beyond hope. Now, what would it be like to start a nation from scratch? To take what’s great from the countries we know and to ditch what is bad. To re-write the laws. To right social wrongs. To apply the principles of Stupid to a new land, free from the dumb laws and regulations that we don’t even question anymore. A new and better society. There’s no stupider idea than this. We had two options: to conquer an island by invading and killing its natives (like other countries did and still do), or to offer them money for it. Well, Diesel has high moral values, and you wouldn’t believe the price of weapons these days, so it was an easy choice. Then, we needed to give it a name. And after months and months of thinking, we came up with a highly original & utterly unexpected name: Diesel Island. The real land of the Stupid and home of the Brave.

THE BIRTH OF A NATION Filled with hopes, aspirations, a few suitcases with really cool clothing, and quite a bit of cash, the pioneers arrived at Diesel Island to form a new nation. There was a slight problem because the island belongs to another country, but as long as their military doesn’t find out that we’ve declared independence, we’ll be fine.

Pioneers arrived in Diesel Island seeking refuge from tyrannical regimes, economic crisis, political corruption and reality shows. A new nation was born.

D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S F L A G WA S C R E A T E D F R O M T H R E E PA I R S O F J E A N S P U T T O G E T H E R , IN ORDER TO REPRESENT DIFFERENT KINDS O F P E O P L E C O E X I S T I N G I N P E R F E C T H A R M O N Y. (A beautiful metaphor that we always have to explain because otherwise nobody gets it.)

The least fucked up country

in the world. But give us time.

LIFE ON THE ISLAND

I N A L A N D FA R , FA R AWA Y F R O M T H E H O U S I N G C R I S I S …

G E N D E R E Q U A L I T Y I S L AW O N D I E S E L I S L A N D . W O M E N A R E PA I D E X A C T LY T H E S A M E A S M E N . (And they both enjoy maternity leave as well.)

THERE’S NO CENSORSHIP ON DIESEL ISL AND, S O B L O G G E R S C A N W R I T E W H A T E V E R T H E Y WA N T. (This may change when internet access is finally installed on the island.)

PICTURED HERE IS THE MONUMENT T O T H E V E R Y F I R S T PA I R O F S H O E S T H A T E V E R SET FOOT ON DIESEL ISL AND. WHY THEY WERE HONORED WITH A MONUMENT IS BEYOND US.

DIESEL ISLAND’S NATIONAL ANTHEM This is the land of the Stupid, This is the land of the Brave. And our hearts rejoice to know That we’re the least fucked up country of all. Japan, they work too hard, Nigeria is too corrupt, Greece has gone bankrupt, We are the least fucked up country of all. The French are a little bit arsey, While Australia’s too laid back, It’s too hot in Ecuador, We are the least fucked up country of all.

THE PIONEERS SING THE ANTHEM WITH A HAND ON THEIR HE ARTS T O M A K E S U R E E V E R Y B O DY N O T I C E S H OW C O O L T H E I R WA T C H E S A R E .

Italy too much pasta, Jamaica too much rasta, Sweden is way too cold, We are the least fucked up country of all. China is overpopulated, Junk food in the USA, Venezuela may start a war, We are the least fucked up country of all. Diesel Island, Diesel Island… The place the Stupid and the Brave Call home. Diesel Island’s anthem is being updated constantly. Write your own verses at www.diesel.com

SOCIAL ISSUES

DIESEL ISL AND’S POLICY T O END RELIGIOUS HATE: MAKING EVERY RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY NON-WORKING FOR ALL.

DIESEL ISLAND’S NON-WORKING 1 5 6

7 9 13 16 17 19 -21 20 19 25

JANUARY Mary, Mother of God - Catholic Christian Feast of St Basil - Orthodox Christian Gantan-sai (New Year) - Shinto Twelfth Night - Christian Guru Gobindh Singh birthday - Sikh Epiphany - Christian Feast of the Theophany - Orthodox Christian Dia de Reyes - Hispanic Christian Nativity of Christ - Armenian Orthodox Christian Nativity of Christ - Orthodox Christian Baptism of the Lord Jesus - Christian

2 3 6 8 14 15

Maghi - Sikh

18 -25

World Religion Day - Baha’i

24

Blessing of the Animals - Hispanic Catholic Christian

26- March 1

Mahayana New Year - Buddhist

27

Tu B’shvat - Jewish

FEBRUARY Candlemas - Christian Presentation of Christ in the Temple Imbolc - Lughnassad - Wicca / Pagan Setsubun-sai - Shinto Chinese New Year - Confucian, Daoist, Buddhist

HOLIDAYS CALENDAR 2011

2 -20 3 6

Vasant Panchami - Hindu

7

Saint Valentine’s Day - Christian

8

Nirvana Day - Buddhism - Jain Mawlid an Nabi - Islam

9

17

Intercalary Days - Baha’i

19 20

Clean Monday - Great Lent begins - Orthodox Christian Shrove Tuesday - Christian Ash Wednesday - Lent begins - Christian Orthodox Sunday - Orthodox Christian Birthday of L. Ron Hubbard - Scientology St Patrick’s Day - Christian Magha Puja Day - Buddhist Saint Joseph’s Day - Christian Equinox

Timkat - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian Conversion of Saint Paul - Christian

4-12 5 12 14 16 17 18 -21 18 19 -26 21 22 23 24 29 30

APRIL New Year - Hindu

1

Ramayana - Hindu

2

Qingming - Chinese traditional

5

Ramanavami - Hindu

9

Baisakhi - Sikh

17

Lazarus Saturday - Orthodox Christian

22

Palm / Passion Sunday - Christian Mahavir Jayanti - Jain

23

Theravadin New Year - Buddhist

29

MAY

25

Yom HaSho’ah - Jewish Beltane - Samhain - Wicca/Pagan

28

National Day of Prayer - Interfaith USA Yom Ha’Atzmaut - Jewish Buddha Day - Visakha Puja - Buddhist Lag B’Omer - Jewish Declaration of the Bab - Baha’i Ascension of Baha’u’llah - Baha’i

2 8-9 9 10 12 16

Pesach (Passover) - Jewish

19

First Day of Ridvan - Baha’i Maundy Thursday - Christian

Black Saturday - Christian St. George Day - Christian Easter - All Christians Ninth Day of Ridvan - Baha’i St. James the Great Day - Orthodox Christian

Purim - Jewish Ostara -Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphere Mabon -Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphere Holi - Hindu Hola Mohalla - Sikh Norouz (New Year) - Persian/Zoroastrian Naw Ruz (New Year) - Baha’i Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary - Christian Khordad Sal (Birth of Prophet Zaranhushtra) - Zoroastrian

Twelfth Day of Ridvan - Baha’i

Lord’s Evening Meal - Jehovah’s Witness Christian Hanuman Jayanti - Hindu

Good (Holy) Friday - All Christians

Nineteen Day Fast - Baha’i

Cheesefare Sunday - Orthodox Christian Transfiguration Sunday - Christian

21 4

Four Chaplains Sunday - Christian/Jewish Interfaith

Maha Shivaratri - Hindu

13

Saint Matthew, Apostle and Evangelist - Christian

Meatfare Sunday - Orthodox Christian

Saint David of Wales - Christian

2

Four Chaplains Sunday - Interfaith Triodion begins - Orthodox Christian

Week of Prayer for Christian Unity - Christian

MARCH

1

21 Solstice 23 28 29

JUNE Ascensionof Christ - Orthodox Christian Ascension of Jesus - Christian Shavuot - Jewish Saint Columba of Iona - Celtic Christian All Saints - Orthodox Christian Pentecost - Christian Guru Arjan Dev martyrdom - Sikh All Saints - OrthodoxChristian New Church Day - Swedenborgian Christian Trinity Sunday - Christian Timkat - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian First Nations Day- Canadian Native People Litha - Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphere Yule - Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphere Corpus Christi- Catholic Christian Lailat al Miraj - Islam Saints Peter and Paul - Christian

1 9 11 15 13 -16 24 23 25

JULY Sacred Heart of Jesus - Catholic Christian Martyrdom of the Bab * - Baha’i Saint Benedict Day - Catholic Christian Lailat al Bara’ah - Islam Asalha Puja Day - Buddhist Saint Vladimir Day - Christian Ulambana - Japan Buddhist Pioneer Day - Mormon Christian Birthday of Emperor Haili Selassi I - Rastafari St. James the Great Day - Christian

1 2 6 7 9 13 13 -15 15 22 26 29 31

4 5 6 8 10 20 21 22 24 -28 26 28 30 31

OCTOBER St Francis Day - Catholic Christian

1

Waqf al Arafa - Hajj Day - Islam

2

Dasera - Hindu

4 -7

Yom Kippur - Jewish

6

Thanksgiving - Interfaith - Canada

10

Sukkot - Jewish

12

Birth of the Báb - Baha’i Shemini Atzeret - Jewish Installation of Scriptures as Guru Granth - Sikh

15

Simhat Torah - Jewish

24

New Year - Jain Deepavali Hindu

20

26

Diwali - Jain - Hindu - Sikh

27

Milvian Bridge Day - Christian

30

Reformation Day - Protestant Christian

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

1

Lammas - Christian Fast in honor of Holy Mother of Lord Jesus Ramadan begins - Islam

2 -10

Lughnassad - Imbolc - Wicca / Pagan

8

Transfiguration of the Lord - Orthodox Christian

14

Laylat al Kadr - Islam

23 Equinox

Tisha B’Av - Jewish

28 -Oct 5

Obon - Shinto

29 -30

Assumption of Blessed Virgin Mary Dormition of the Theotokos - Orthodox Christian

Paryushana Parva - Jain Nativity of Mary - Christian

27

Raksha Bandhan - Hindu

Ganesh Chaturthi - Hindu Ecclesiastical New Year - Orthodox Christian

29

Elevation of the Life Giving Cross - Holy Cross Day - Christian Mabon - Wicca/Pagan northern hemisphere Ostara - Wicca/Pagan southern hemisphere Meskel - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian Navaratri - Hindu Rosh Hashanah - Jewish Michael and All Angels - Christian

Krisha Janmashtami - Hindu Lailat al Kadr - Islam Beheading of John the Baptist - Christian Eid al Fitr - Islam

NOVEMBER

Ashura - Islam

6

All Souls’ Day - Catholic Christian

Saint Nicholas Day - Christian

8

Hajj - Islam

Bodhi Day (Rohatsu) - Buddhism Immaculate Conception - Catholic Christian

12

Eid al Adha - Islam

Feast day - Our Lady of Guadalupe - Catholic Christian

16

Guru Nanak Dev Sahib birthday - Sikh

21 -28

Birth of Baha’u’llah - Baha’i

22

Nativity Fast begins through Dec. 24 Christ the King - Christian

25

Thanksgiving - Interfaith Gkuru Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom - Sikh

26

Day of Covenant - Baha’i Hijra - New Year - Islam

28

First Sunday of Advent - Christian

30

Saint Andrew’s Day- Christian

31

All Hallows Eve - Christian

Propose your own non-working

DECEMBER

5

All Saints’ Day - Christian Samhain - Beltane - Wicca/Pagan

holiday at www.diesel.com

solstice

Posadas Navidenas through Dec. 15 - Christian Hanukkah - Jewish Yule - Christian Yule - Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphere Litha - Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphere Christmas - Christian Feast of the Nativity - Orthodox Christian Zarathosht Diso (Death of Prophet Zarathushtra) - Zoroastrian Saint Stephen, Deacon and Martyr - Christian Holy Innocents - Christian Feast of the Holy Family - Catholic Christian Watch Night - Christian

D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S H E A LT H C A R E M A K E S Y O U WA I T T O O . BU T T H E WA T C H E S A R E AW E S O M E .

S H E L L S M A Y O N LY C O N N E C T P I O N E E R S WITH THE SOUND OF THE SE A. BUT AT LE AST T H E Y ’ R E N O T O V E RC H A R G E D F O R I T.

DIESEL ISLAND’S

BILL OF RIGHTS

ON MARRIAGE: Any kind of marriage is approved by law. Bachelor parties are even more approved.

ON BEARING ARMS: Citizens have the right to bear two arms. Two legs too. Two heads, not so sure.

ON INTELLECTUAL RIGHTS: Everyone is free to download whatever shit they want on the island. However, there’s no internet connection yet.

ON EDUCATION: All citizens have the right to public college education, in order to get laid and throw mindless parties.

ON INDUSTRY REGUL ATIONS: All monopolies are forbidden on Diesel Island, with the exception of the fashion industry.

ON TAXES: All Diesel Island products are taxi-free. This means that when a citizen buys a product, he or she won’t get a taxi with their purchase. Just the product.

ON MONEY: The Mohawk is Diesel Island’s official currency. The exchange rate varies according to which stock market crashes next.

ON HUMAN RIGHTS: There will be no torture. Unless it can be safely covered up.

ON GENDER EQUALIT Y: Men & women are equal under the law. Bathroom showers are also to be shared.

ON PROPERT Y: Every family has the right to a decent home, a decent mortgage and a decent foreclosure should they fail to pay the bank back.

Become a citizen and write your own laws at www.diesel.com

GOVERNMENT

INSPIRED BY SOME OF THE WORLD’S MOST P OW E R F U L C O U N T R I E S , D I E S E L I S L A N D P I O N E E R S ELECTED AS THEIR PRESIDENT THE PERSON M O S T L I K E LY T O B E I N V O LV E D I N A S E X U A L S C A N D A L .

Anyone can be president of Diesel Island for one day.

Become a candidate and vote at www.diesel.com

S I N C E C O M M U N I S M A N D C A P I TA L I S M B O T H FA I L E D , WE WON’T ADOPT ANY SYSTEM ENDING IN “ISM”.

DEMOCRACY ON DIESEL ISL AND It was a woman who came up with this innovative way to govern. She said: “ As minister of Social Affairs, my goal is to listen to everyone’s needs, even of those who think differently. I may not fully agree with it, but I won’t deny that “baaaaaaa” is a thoughtful and provoking opinion.”

T H E O N LY I N C O N V E N I E N T L E A K S D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S GOVERNMENT HAS T O DE AL WITH ARE THE ONES IN THE ROOFS OF THE HOUSES WHEN IT RAINS.

D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S P O L I T I C I A N S A R E H O N E S T. T H E Y S T E A L M O N E Y BU T T H E Y D O N ’ T D E N Y I T.

DIESEL ISL AND’S QUEEN DOESN’T DO ANYTHING EITHER. BU T A T L E A S T S H E L O O K S H O T.

T H E D I E S E L I S L A N D A R M Y P R E PA R I N G F O R B A T T L E . (Against Costa Rica, the only country in the world without an army.)

HOMELAND SECURITY Diesel Island border officers will warmly welcome any illegal immigrants. (With open arms and the jobs nobody else wants to do.)

D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S N AV Y D U R I N G A M I L I TA R Y E X E RC I S E I N T H E PA C I F I C TO TEST BOMBS.

S U S P I C I O U S PA C K A G E S N E V E R G O U N D E T E C T E D BY OUR VIGIL ANT BORDER OFFICERS.

D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S B O R D E R WA L L PREVENTS ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM WA L K I N G I N T O O U R T E R R I T O R Y. (They’ll have to jump in, instead.)

INDUSTRY

D I E S E L I S L A N D P I O N E E R S , O N E M I N U T E E XC I T E D ABOUT FINDING 1 OUNCE OF OIL, THE NEXT W ORRIED ABOUT THE POSSIBILIT Y O F A N I N V A S I O N B Y A P OW E R F U L C O U N T R Y.

DIESEL ISL AND IS THE WORLD’S L A R G E S T E X P O R T E R O F S E X U A L E N E R G Y. (Alternative, but not always clean.)

We had sex here.

We had sex here.

We had sex here.

We had sex here.

We had sex here.

We had sex here.

S U S TA I NA B I L I T Y

I N O R D E R T O S AV E WA T E R , D I E S E L I S L A N D P I O N E E R S S H OW E R I N G R O U P S .

THE PIONEERS ARE SELF-SUFFICIENT O R G A N I C FA R M E R S . (But they still order take-out from the neighboring country on Friday nights.)

I N L I G H T O F G L O B A L WA R M I N G , D I E S E L I S L A N D E R S E X P E R I M E N T W I T H N E W F O R M S O F S U S TA I N A B L E T R A N S P O R TA T I O N , L I K E T H E W I N D - P OW E R E D C A R .

(If it works, we’ll start exporting it to flooded countries.)

BECOME A DIESEL ISLAND CITIZEN! Diesel is creating a new and better nation. Join the cause and become a citizen. Fill in the citizenship application form in the next page or go to www.diesel.com. We trust you will.

Dear UN: Please accept Diesel Island as a nation. We know it’s uncommon for diplomats to dress as terribly cool as we do, but just because nobody here wears a suit, it doesn’t mean we’re not a serious country. Thinking that would be too judgmental from your part and unacceptable, and we’d have to sue you. So don’t make us go there. Keep in mind that most of the countries you’ve accepted as members have ruined the world, whereas we are here to make it better. If you don’t believe us, send someone over to see for themselves what Diesel Island is like. If you do send someone over, please kindly ask them not to invent any lies about our nuclear capabilities or financial statements.

Sincerely, Diesel Island President.

Sign our petition for independence at www.diesel.com

EVERY DIESEL ST ORE IN THE W ORLD IS AN OFFICIAL EMBASSY. Find the nearest at www.diesel.com/store-locator Argentina Australia Austria Azerbaijan Bahrain Belgium Brazil Canada Chile China Colombia Costa Rica Croatia Czech Republic Denmark

DIESEL ISLAND’S OFFICIAL EMBASSIES

Dominican Republic Ecuador Finland France Germany Greece Guatemala Hong Kong India Iran Israel Italy Japan Kuwait Lebanon

Luxembourg Macau Malta Mauritius Mexico Morocco Netherlands Norway Panama Paraguay Philippines Poland Portugal Qatar Romania

Russia Saudi Arabia Serbia Singapore South Africa South Korea Spain Sweden Switzerland Taiwan Thailand Turkey UAE UK USA