Deeper Lovemaking

Deeper Lovemaking Move Freely, Enhance Your Sensuality, and Prolong Your Intimate Occasions TM

Hanna Somatics Gold Lawrence Gold

Deeper Lovemaking copyright 2004 Lawrence Gold [email protected] ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Brief portions of this volume may be reproduced for use in articles and reviews. More extensive portions may be reproduced with written permission from the author.

Eros Somas UxçÉÇw à{x y|Üáà áxx|Çz tÇw áà|ÜÜ|Çz ã{xÇ tÄÄâÜx uxvÉÅxá t yÄxxà|Çz àÉâv{ tÇw à{xÇ tãtç ã|à{ t utv~ãtÜw zÄtÇvx? tÇw à{|á àxtá|Çz Äxtwá àÉ tÇà|v|Ñtà|ÉÇ tÇw áÉÉÇ? àÉ ÅÉäxÅxÇà tzt|Çáà? tÇw ÅÉäxÅxÇà tzt|Çáà? àÉ à{x áãxÄÄ|Çz Éy Ñtáá|ÉÇ xÇãÜtÑÑxw ã|à{ tÜÅá tÇw Äxzá tÜÉâÇw tÇw tÄÄ interÑxÇxàÜtàxw tÇw vÄtáÑxw |Ç t çxtÜÇ|Çz à{tà áxx~á ÉÇÄç ÅÉÜx tÇw vÄÉáxÜ tÇw wxxÑxÜ Åç tààxÇà|ÉÇ |á y|ÄÄxw uç çÉâ? tÄÄ çÉâ? tÇw à|Åx uxvÉÅxá ÇÉã tÇw tÄÄ ÇÉãA j{xÇ à{x ÑÜxááâÜx Éy çÉâÜ ztéx |Çätwxá Åç ux|Çz tÇw à{x yÉÜvx Éy Åç ux|Çz Ñâá{xá tzt|Çáà çÉâ \ yxxÄ çÉâ tÇw yxxÄ |ÇàÉ çÉâ? tÇw çÉâ tÇw \ tÜx áâwwxÇÄç áÅtÄÄ |Ç à{x ÅçáàxÜç beyond tÄÄ Ä|yx vÉÇÇxvàxw |Ç ÅçáàxÜç tà à{x vÉÜx Éy ÉâÜ ux|ÇzA \ yxxÄ àÉ à{x ÅçáàxÜç Éy çÉâÜ vÉÜx tÇw w|ávÉäxÜ à{tà |à vÉÇàt|Çá âá uÉà{A jx ÄÉäx |Ç ÅçáàxÜç tÇw Ñtáá|ÉÇ âÇà|Ä à{x ÅçáàxÜç tÇw Ñtáá|ÉÇ Éy |à tÄÄ w|ááÉÄäxá âá |Ç y|xÜvx Ä|z{àA

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CONTENTS Welcome in! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3 About This Book - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3 What Does This Program Do? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 3 What to Expect - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 4 The Origins of the Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 5 How Best to Learn the Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 7 Potent Tips - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 10 A Final Word Before Getting Started - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 15 How Often to Do the Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 16 The Special Use of Language for Learning Somatic Exercises - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 17 THE SECRETS Special Technique: muscle equalization - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 23 Secret: The Whole-Body Yawn - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 25 Control of Orgasm -- drinking the nectar - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 27 Introduction: Control of Orgasm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 30 Practice: The Cadenced Breathing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 33 Secret: The Whole-Body Orgasm- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 43 Wriggling -- how to do the dance - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 43 Introduction: Wriggling - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 45 Practice: Wriggling - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 47 Secret: Pacing Yourself - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 65 Twisting -- for sexing in four dimensions - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 67 Introduction: Twisting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 69 Practice: Twisting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 71 Secret: The Advantage of Waiting - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 87 Spine Waves -- sensuous spinal undulations - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 89 Introduction: Freeing Your Pelvis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 91 Practice: Spine Waves - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 93 Secret: Attention - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 117 Learning the Grind of the “Bump and Grind” -- putting it all together - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 119 Introduction: The Grind of the “Bump and Grind” - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 121 Practice: Learning the “Grind” of the Bump and Grind - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 123 Secret: The Subtle Touch - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 127 Freedom to Spread Your Legs -- sometimes, you must close before you can open wide - 129 Introduction: Freedom to Spread Your Legs - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 131 Practice: Freedom to Spread Your Legs - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 133 Secret: The Transcendent Kiss - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 139 Freeing Your Groin -- for pushing together - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 143 Introduction: Your Low Back -- Hidden Connection to Your Groin - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 145 Practice: Freeing Your Groin - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 147 Practice: Freeing Your Groin -- II - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 156 Secret: Boundaries - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 165

Presenting Your Chest and Pelvis -- full body contact - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 167 Introduction: Presenting Your Chest: The Head-and-Shoulder Tripod - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 169 Presenting Your Pelvis: Learning How to Move Your Pelvis Better - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 170 Practice: Presenting Your Chest - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 172 Practice: Presenting Your Pelvis - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 179 Secret: The Enticement of Teasing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 183 The Pelvic Power Thrust -- you mean it - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 185 Introduction: The Pelvic Power Thrust - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 187 Practice: The Pelvic Power Thrust - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 189 Secret: The Art of Rhythm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 198

WÉÇËà }âáà Üxtw à{|á uÉÉ~A YÉÜ {xÜx tÜx áxvÜxàá à{tà vtÇ ÇxäxÜ ux ~ÇÉãÇ uç àxÄÄ|ÇzA jÉÜwá tÜx á{xÄÄá yÉÜ à{x àxÇwxÜ àÜâà{á ÜxäxtÄxw uç yÄxá{ tÇw yxxÄ|ÇzA

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DISCLAIMER Nothing in this program should be construed to diagnose or treat any medical condition. If you have a medical condition, including high blood pressure, vascular disease, or history of stroke, or are concerned that you may have a medical condition, consult a physician and show him or her this program and get approval before beginning the program. The procedures given in this program are inherently natural and safe. Done properly, these movements improve suppleness and control of movement. Occasionally, soreness may result for a day or two after doing them. Such soreness is normal. However, if your soreness persists for more than 24-36 hours, stop doing this program and consult your physician. Since the author cannot be present to supervise you, you and he must rely upon your good judgment and intelligent application of the instructions found herein. In undertaking this program, you assume all risk of injury that may result from failure to follow the instructions correctly or from inappropriate use of this program.

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Welcome in! About This Book This workbook contains the same material as is found in the program on audio CD and supports that program with illustrations. The audio program is the primary instructional source, although this book can be used without it. What Does This Program Do? This program teaches sensuality, which consists of five powers of sexual enjoyment -- control of orgasm, breathing, feeling-attention, skillful movement, and suppleness. As you improve these powers, you enhance your stamina, sexual mastery, and sexual feeling. The more you feel, the more sensual you become. The Orgasm Muscles The pleasurable sensations of orgasm partially come from the muscles that pulsate at the floor of the pelvis. These muscles hold part of the key for building up the excitement charge that people experience as orgasm; the greater the charge, the stronger the orgasm. There are two aspects to the orgasm muscles: how well you control their movement and how well you feel them. Of course, there is much more to the excitement of sex than the control of muscles, but that control is a gateway to the buildup of feeling that replaces mind and ego with bliss and thrills that wash through you in ecstasy. Breathing To breathe well makes all the difference in building up to strong orgasms. It also makes possible controlling the time of orgasm and for creating “orgasm waves” -- those crests of intensity that take you to the edge every time, but no further, until you’re ready.

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Feeling-Attention There is mental attention and there is feeling-attention. Mental attention thinks; feeling-attention feels. Mental attention decides; feeling attention experiences. Mental attention is of the mind; feeling-attention is of the body. Mental attention concerns inself with before or with later; feeling-attention concerns itself with now. This program uses mental attention to get you to do things that enhance your feeling-attention. The instructions appeal to your mental attention; the sensations appeal to your feeling-attention. To develop more feeling-attention is the key to the advanced lovemaking secrets. Control of Movement and Suppleness Control of the movements that give you and your partner pleasure depends upon suppleness -- flexibility and smooth control of movements. What to Expect Generally, you may expect to improve your flexibility, strength, intensity of pleasure prior to orgasm, control of orgasm, quality of orgasm, and your ability to please your partner through your movements. As an added bonus, your energy for movement in general is likely to increase. Your first experiments with these somatic exercises will probably show you your lack of control. That’s good; it means you have room to improve. As you do these movements, you may find, at times, that what you think you are doing and what you are actually doing are a bit different! Notice both what you mean to do and what you are actually doing. It’s not enough to mean to do the movements; you need actually to do the movements as described. With practice, you will find you can do the movements more exactly as described, feel them more clearly, and get quicker improvements.

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Always regulate your effort to be within your comfort zone. Never force movements, as you can’t get their benefits by doing so. The most common mistake people make is to use too much effort, which sometimes leads to cramping. If you get a cramp, use less effort and lend more attention to what you are feeling. Soon, you will no longer tend to cramp, even at stronger levels of effort, and you’ll get more movement with less effort (feel stronger). Work within your range of easy movement and you will find that that range of movement increases by itself. The Origins of the Somatic Exercises Though these somatic exercises are new, their underlying principles are similar to those of yoga, dating back thousands of years. The word, “yoga”, means “union”; the somatic developmental exercises improve your sense of the union of your body and mind; your body will be able better to do what your mind intends you to do. Then, your experience of union with your partner will also improve. The Kama Sutra is perhaps the most famous of the ancient yogic texts of sexual prowess. In it many techniques and positions are described. Unfortunately, for many people, they lack the flexibility to do what the Kama Sutra describes. This book fixes that problem. More recent developments in the body-mind field known as “somatics” or “somatic education” have contributed to what is found here. Three researchers stand out as as contributors: F. Mathhias Alexander (developer of The Alexander Technique), Moshe Feldenkrais (developer of Feldenkrais Functional Integration), and Thomas Hanna (developer of Hanna Somatic Education). Each researcher developed ways to improve self-awareness and freedom of movement - intentions originally found in ancient yoga. What I learned from Thomas Hanna and others, coupled with my own discoveries, has led to this book.

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The somatic exercises enhance your performance by teaching you to put your intention where your attention is and your attention where your intention is. Think about it. Isn’t that what a great lover does?

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How Best to Learn the Somatic Exercises Spend about a week with each of the exercises. Learn them. It’s o.k. to sample the later exercises if you’re curious, but for learning purposes, stick to one exercise at a time. Audio-recordings of the exercises will help the learning process of those who learn best by hearing. The meaning of the instructions becomes clearer with experience. Always do them in an exploratory way. There is an unsuspected depth in you, and the more you do the movements, the more you will discover. These exercises are more than they may seem to be. To get the most benefit from an exercise, go slowly enough to sense the movement as you do it, using just enough effort to sense the movement, and using only the muscles needed to accomplish each movement. That way, you will continually uncover patterns of tension you have held without awareness and be able to release them into a greater control and freedom. Practically speaking, the first time you do a movement, you are likely to need more effort to sense muscles than you will with subsequent repetitions. Use as much effort as needed to get a sensation (within your comfort zone), then decrease the amount of effort as your ability to feel muscles awakens. Soon, you will be able to distinguish the muscles that are essential to the movement and to use only those. To repeat, as you start a movement in an exercise • Notice the first sensation of effort as you move from rest into action. • During the contraction phase of a movement, hold the contraction long enough for the feeling of the contraction to surface and become plain. During the relaxation phase, relax slowly; the relaxation phase, done slowly, produces significant improvements in muscular control.

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• As you end a movement, notice the last sensation of effort as it disappears into rest. • Always relax completely between repetitions of a movement. Allow time. The earlier sessions prepare you for those that come later. To start, do one new session several times within a week until it’s very familiar to you. After you’ve done all the sessions, you may start over, review the ones you like best, or master those in which you know you can improve. You will probably find it beneficial to spend five minutes a day reviewing the exercises in the order in which they appear, here. You may be surprised at the new improvements you get with each pass through. If an exercise seems too difficult or feels painful, go more slowly and more gently. If you haven’t spent enough time with an earlier exercise, you may need to go back to an earlier session to prepare yourself better. The somatic exercises often have several parts, which you add together for greater potency. The simplest steps of the movement are numbered. More advanced additions to movements appear as follows: location of sensation

×

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direction of movement angle indicator location of sensation (underside)

1. (main instruction, basic level) ⇒ 2nd level⇒ additional movement cue (intermediate level)

⇒ 3rd level⇒ additional

movement cue (more advanced level)

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Adding the more advanced parts makes an exercise more potent, provided you are doing the basic part correctly. For that reason, it is necessary to rehearse the basic part until you can do it easily, before adding the more advanced parts. After you have learned the movements of a session, refer to this guidebook to refresh your memory of the finer nuances of the movements, which boost their effectiveness. Significant results come relatively quickly from doing the somatic exercises. Make them part of your daily regimen. Enjoy a growing mastery of your own physical (and mental) processes in the sexual act.

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Potent Tips The Feeling is the Thing Unlike most systems of exercise, the essence of the somatic exercises is the sensations they produce, particularly during the slow relaxation phase of each exercise. The deeper changes occur during the relaxation phase. Why “Gently”? Going gently calls for you to develop more care and awareness of what you are doing. So going gently is not being lazy, nor is it a sign that you are weak. It is a way of operating more carefully and attentively, and it is particularly valuable when confronting a challenge. It is a way of working smarter, not harder. In the sexual act, going gently sets the threshold of sensation at a low level. That means that sensitivity is increased. How to Get Supple A major cause of stiffness is tight muscles. Seeking a way out of stiffness, many people stretch. However, a more effective approach is available. Concerns with stretching muscles point to one key observation: muscles get shortened. The key question is, “Why?” The nervous system controls the muscular system. Muscles have no control of their own. The obvious conclusion to draw is that muscles get shortened because the nervous system is stimulating them to contract. That being the case, how can someone’s being stretched (or adjusted or massaged) by someone else possibly change the person’s way of controlling their own muscles? How can a person internalize the change merely by being manipulated from outside? To internalize a change requires learning (to do for oneself), the need for which is neither recognized nor intended

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when being stretched by another. The changes that result from stretching are therefore generally unpredictable, unstable, and short-lived. As a result, people return, by tendency, to the level of tension (or shortening) they experience habitually. Athletes and dancers attempt to stretch their hamstrings (along the backs of the thighs), for example, to avoid injury. “Attempt” is the correct word because stretching produces only limited and temporary effects, which is one reason why so many athletes (and dancers) suffer pulled hamstrings and knee problems. Clearly, whatever benefits stretching confers, it has some significant drawbacks. As anyone who has had someone stretch their hamstrings (or any other muscle) knows, forcible stretching is usually a painful ordeal. Because muscles cannot relax and lengthen beyond what the conditioned postural reflexes permit, attempts to stretch muscles work against those reflexes. Someone stretches their muscles. The muscles resist. It hurts. Afterwards, the muscles feel weaker. So they tighten up, again. This return of muscular tension (controlled by conditioned postural reflexes) makes repeated stretching necessary. Fortunately, there is a way out of this situation, another way to deal with muscular tension than by stretching. To understand how it works, we must first start with the recognition that muscles that need stretching are usually holding tension -- that is, they are actively contracting. The person is holding them tense by habit, usually involuntarily and without awareness. Oddly enough, if you try to relax muscles that are habitually tight, using an act of will, you are likely to find that your ability to do so is limited; you cannot relax past a certain point, even with special breathing, visualization, or other non-learning based techniques. At that point, you may assume that those muscles are completely relaxed and need stretching. You may not recognize that you are contract-

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ing “on automatic” due to postural habits stored in your brain. Any attempt to stretch them simply re-triggers the impulse to re-contract them to restore the sense of what is “familiar”. That is why muscles tighten up again so soon after stretching or massage. What Works Better ... is to shift the “tension-set-point,” the tension-level you’re used to. To change the set-point requires more than stretching or massaging; it requires a learning process that affects the brain, which controls the muscular system. Such a learning process is referred to in some circles as “somatic training.” Somatic training enhances your ability to feel your body from within; the brain “wakes up” and its ability to control muscular tension, relaxation, and coordination is enhanced.

• Always work within your comfort zone: the degree of sensation you can experience without fear or cringing. • Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel a sensation and reduce to the least effort you can feel. • Learn the parts of multi-part movements, put them together, and coordinate all the parts so they begin and end together. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions. • To repeat, be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

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How It Works By deliberately contracting already-contracted muscles, using patterns of movement that duplicate the habitual tension pattern, these exercises send a strong sensory signal to the brain, a signal that wakes up (or refreshes) the related nerve pathways. By releasing the contraction in slow motion, you re-awaken your brain’s ability to control the amount of muscular tension. Slow motion gives a clearer and more complete body image and is the key to developmental exercises and to any other learning process where details make a difference. Significant results come relatively quickly from doing movement exercises, and when they do, the benefits are durable, feel second-nature, and require no special attention during ordinary activities. To avoid accumulating tension from stress responses in daily life -- or from repetitive use of certain movement patterns -- it is good to include a few minutes of these exercises in your daily health regimen. Continuing to do them produces cumulative improvements. With the looseness that develops, you are likely to develop a preference for these freeing movement exercises over stretching.

To change your set-point requires something different than stretching or massaging -- that you improve your muscular control, This program causes that kind of improvement.

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All of the exercises in this book consist of a contraction phase and a slow relaxation phase. As you do these exercises,

• Contract your muscles slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Let the sensation of effort “set in” before you go into the relaxation phase. • Relax slowly enough to feel the effort smoothly decreasing. • Keep your attention at the place where you first felt the sensation of effort as you go through the movement, from contraction to relaxation.

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A Final Word Before Getting Started You should know that there is a possibility of some soreness appearing once you have started working with the exercises. Don’t worry. Soreness is a normal, but temporary, outcome for a certain percentage of people. It passes by itself in a day or so. If you do get sore, give yourself a rest for a day, then continue practicing that exercise sequence. I present these exercises in a specific sequence; each exercise builds upon the gains produced by those that came before. Don’t be hasty in progressing from one exercise to the next; be thorough and patient. You need the results from the earlier exercises to get the best results from the later exercises. You may wish to have a partner read the instructions to you. Having the instructions read to you helps you to go more deeply into the sensations these exercises produce. To record onto audiotape may seem an attractive option for some. Understand that with these exercises, timing is all-important, and there is an art to producing pre-recorded verbal instruction in such a way that the instructions don’t interfere with your timing. If you want to try recording the instructions, go slowly enough to allow yourself to feel the muscular efforts involved. However, to have someone read the instructions aloud is generally better.

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How Often to Do the Exercises Do the exercises daily -- in the morning or in the evening: before dinner, after dinner, or just before going to bed. That way, you set the tone for your day and for your night. Set up a place where you will be undisturbed and lay out a mat or blanket on the floor to make a softer surface. A bed is often too soft a surface to get the quality of sensation needed for these exercises to be most effective. The hardest part of this program will probably be to get started. So, begin the program immediately by reading Preparatory Learning. Then do the exercise. It will take you about five minutes. As a general guideline, spend at least one week with one exercise, done thoroughly many times until you get a clearly discernable result, before moving on. These exercises have a depth that is not achieved in one or two performances. More performance brings more results; there is an unsuspected depth in these exercises and in you.

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The Special Use of Language for Learning Somatic Exercises In the instructions, certain terms have specific meanings. I define these terms, below. To understand them once is sufficient -- no need to memorize - so take your time to understand and internalize them so you know what they mean when they show up in the instructions. up = away from the ground, against gravity down = toward the ground, giving in to gravity out = away from the center of your body in = toward the center of your body forward = toward your front backward = toward your back underside = the side on which you are lying or sitting topside = your uppermost side in relation to the Earth slowly = slowly enough to feel your movement continuously as you move gently = in a comfortable, leisurely manner hold = to maintain and steady an effort smoothly = without sudden movements, jerkiness, or loss of control where the movement comes from = as you move, the location of the most vivid sensation of muscular contraction, as revealed by the sense of effort. push = to exert a force away from you pull = to draw something toward you Pause in place = Stop moving and stay in position. Feel what’s working. = Feel which muscles are working by the sense of effort. Balance = easy poise between two or more positions or sensations Equalize = bring to a condition of balance

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Preparatory Learning STARTING POSITION:

• lying on your back • knees up, legs balanced (upright) leaning neither in nor out • arms loosely at your sides

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1.

Bring your attention to your breathing.

2.

Bring your attention to your throat behind your nose. The location is not in your nose or in your nostrils, but in your throat above your soft palattucke.

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3.

Feel your throat (behind your nose) cool with inhalation, warm with exhalation. You have located the place where your head rests upon your topmost neck vertebra, on the inside. In the following exercises, this place is called, “the place behind your nose.”

5 Ø

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4. Gently press the back of your head down onto the surface, and hold (maintain) the effort.

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shape marks location of sensation

Ø

5. While holding, slowly tilt your head back (chin up) and feel where the tension goes, in your neck. Pay special attention to the place behind your nose.

5 Ø

6. Still holding, slowly tip your head forward (chin in toward your throat) and feel where the tension goes. Notice that the place behind your nose opens up, then closes down as you continue to tuck your chin toward your throat.

Welcome to the Program

21

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5

7. Still holding, tip your head back and forward to find the position where the place behind your nose feels most open. That is your working position for all cases where the instructions state, “Feel the place behind your nose.”

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Special Technique: Muscle Equalization Why Equalize Muscular Efforts? The procedures that follow have a very interesting feature: they involve equalizing the tension and sensation of muscles in two or more areas at once. Why equalize tensions? It unlocks habit patterns. A very odd thing happens when muscle groups that ordinarily work together get conditioned to maintain unequal degrees of tension. They get stuck in unequal degrees of tension! It’s as if the front wheels of a four-wheel drive vehicle were turning harder than the rear wheels. Take your foot off the accelerator pedal (reduce effort), they both slow down, but the front is still turning harder than the rear (only slower), and the strain on the transmission remains. It’s a stuck situation. The solution is to link the two groups together in a single action and to bring them to comparable levels of tension and sensation. THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Welcome to the Program

That’s what the following coordination patterns do.

23

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Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: The Whole-Body Yawn Yawning is relaxing -- but it’s not an attempt to relax. Next time you yawn, notice what’s happening. You’re not relaxing the muscles of your mouth and neck; you’re tightening them! It’s afterward that you experience relaxation. This is an important clue. You are experiencing a basic way we operate. To relax, we must be reminded of the difference between tension and relaxation. We must feel the difference. Yawning does that. Orgasm is, in a certain sense, like the whole-body yawn; it begins with a build-up of tension and ends with release of tension that leaves you more relaxed than before and with a similar feeling of well-being. The process of tension/relaxation is applied systematically to the whole body in the movement maneuvers found in this program. They involve very much the same quality of tension and relaxation as yawning and orgasm do − and they produce a similar result: relaxation and a feeling of well-being. To do movements for the feeling they produce is the key to this program. There is a feeling to the patterns of contraction featured here. The changes that are the goal of this program occur, however, during the relaxation phase of these movements; the contraction is the set-up for the relaxation. Take your time to feel both the contraction and relaxation phases. If you move too quickly, you decrease your ability to feel the new feelings and you lose the benefit of the exercises, so relax slowly.

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26

Deeper Lovemaking

Control of Orgasm DRINKING THE NECTAR

27

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Deeper Lovemaking

.

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle,” an easy, leisurely feel. • Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or decrease. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions. • To repeat, be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE “FEEL” ICON

The Orgasm Muscles

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

29

Control of Orgasm Let’s get straight to the point. Control of orgasm is basic to your ability to get the most out of sex and to create an exceptional experience for your partner. To control orgasm, you must be able to ride your waves of pleasure and to absorb them, and to decide when to “go for it” and let them overwhelm you. In particular, that means you must be able to contract and relax the muscles of orgasm at the floor of your pelvis to control orgasm. You must also be able to control your breathing to use it to regulate the intensity of the pleasure waves and to spread them all over your body. The very act of learning to control the tensions of orgasm will also improve your ability to ride the wave of sensation that carries you to orgasm. In the ancient yogic literature, there is an energy channel described which runs from the genitals to the spine. Peak sexual experiences occur when you get the excess of sexual sensation to disperse into that channel instead to out of the body in orgasm. Control of sexual energy is the key to controlling orgasm. And control of the tensions of orgasm and of breath is the key to controlling the flow of sexual energy. Recognizing that some people find the concept of “energy” suspect or meaningless, let me describe it in another way: as sensation. Sensation is what is meant by energy -- and for good reason: all of our senses perceive changes in energy: light energy, vibration, heat, pressure, etc. Sensation is our experience of energy.

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Deeper Lovemaking

That cleared up, let’s take on the most pleasurable project of controlling sexual energy. The ordinary experience of sex involves stimulation, pleasurable sensation, and the build-up of the sense of sexual energy -- a sexual charge -- that ends in a cataclysm of pleasure. Ordinarily, people build up that charge as quickly as possible to get to orgasm as quickly as possible. This is the regrettable example provided to us by most pornography. It leads to premature loss of control and decreased pleasure. The example of pornography leads to an inferior sexual experience that looks better than it feels. Instead, learn to build slowly and with feeling. Building more slowly enables you to develop and hold a greater charge of sexual energy. To the degree that you have control over that charge, you can delay orgasm while enjoying its growing charge. Truly overwhelming orgasms are possible. The muscles of orgasm are the key to delaying orgasm and building a charge (for men); toning the muscles of orgasm is the key to increasing sensation and building a charge (for women). As charge builds up, you naturally feel a hotprickly-juicy wave of sensation in your sex zones. For men, as you come close to cresting, squeeze and relax your orgasm muscles, as if swallowing with them. Relax completely between pulses. Stop moving, if necessary, to be able to absorb the sensations faster than they build. You’ll feel the juicy sensation move back from your genital area and deeply into your pelvic cavity, then up your spine. Your whole spinal alignment will change with each wave. Your con-

The Orgasm Muscles

31

trol will increase and you’ll be ready to build another wave of pleasure. For women, as you come close to cresting, feel everything, breath it all in, and relax. Try the “orgasmic swallowing” technique. Do that every time you come close. The intensity of your final orgasm will multiply. If you have good control, you will be able to absorb orgasms many times during a single sexual occasion. By relaxing the tensions of orgasm and breathing fully, you will also be able to project the force of sexual sensation toward and into your partner -- particularly if you are giving him or her your full attention at that moment. The act of projecting the sexual sensation into your partner will also help you to stay in control of your own waves of sensation. The following exercise, a more sophisticated development of the Kegel Exercise taught by many sex therapists, is the first step toward that most enjoyable experience.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Cadenced Breathing In this exercise: • You inhale fully and exhale fully. • You contract your orgasm muscles fully and relax them fully. • You coordinate the movements of your orgasm muscles with your breathing. • You steady your attention for a moment (observe a moment of silence) before switching from inhalation to exhalation and from exhalation to inhalation. You are developing freedom and control, plus the ability to give yourself rushes of sensation that add to the pleasurable results of these exercises.

improving the control of your attention, breath, and movement

The Orgasm Musles

33

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NOTE: Start this movement slowly and build up speed as you go. If you get lightheaded, rest for a few seconds and go more slowly. STARTING POSITION: • lying on your back • legs outstretched and slightly separated • arms loosely at your sides • NOTE: Empty your bladder and bowel before doing this lesson.

1. Take a slow, deep breath and pause. 2. Slowly exhale and pause.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Notice that you can hear your breath. The idea is to pause long enough to hear a moment of silence between inhalation and exhalation and between exhalation and inhalation. Do that now.

3. Slowly inhale fully, listening to the sound of your breath. 4. Pause for long enough to hear a moment of silence. 5. Slowly exhale all the way empty, listening to the sound of your breath. 6. Pause for long enough to hear a moment of silence. Repeat a few times until you smooth your breathing out. You’ve just learned the pace of breathing we use for this entire exercise.

The Orgasm Musles

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we add something: control of your orgasm muscles. The muscles you use to control urination and bowel movements are the same muscles involved in the pleasurable pulsating, squeezing spasms of orgasm. First, practice gaining some control of these muscles.

Locate the these muscles by contracting and relaxing them.

1. Tighten them slowly. 2. Relax them very slowly and smoothly. Slowly and strongly is better than quickly and strongly.

3. Slowly tighten your orgasm muscles to full contraction and hold. Steady the grip of holding until the involuntary tendency to relax them subsides. Steadiness is strength.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Contract the soles of

your feet (make fists of your feet).

4. Relax all efforts slowly and smoothly. Continue until you have improved the smoothness of control and strength you have in those muscles.

The Orgasm Musles

37

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, let’s add the breathing.

1. Slowly inhale and pause, as before. Hear the silence. 2. As you slowly exhale, slowly contract the sphincter muscles. Synchronize the contraction of your orgasm muscles with your exhalation so you are fully contracted when you are fully exhaled.

3. Pause for a moment. Hear the silence. 4. Slowly inhale and release your orgasm muscles at the same speed as your inhalation. When you have fully inhaled, your orgasm muscles are fully relaxed. Repeat this synchronized action until you have smooth control -- or at least some improvement for this practice session.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we add a special breathing process.

1. Do a series of six synchronized breathings with the orgasm muscles. At the end of the sixth, hold your breath. 2. Contract your orgasm muscles. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Contract the soles of your feet (make fists of your feet).

3. Swallow. Feel the wave of swallowing go down to your stomach.

The Orgasm Musles

39

4. As soon as you feel the wave reach your stomach, slowly relax your belly, orgasm muscles, feet. You may get a rush of energy that softens you up -- or that blasts you out of your mind. Relax into it and enjoy it.

5. Exhale slowly. As you practice working with your orgasm muscles, you will notice heightened energy and mental clarity. Repeat as many times as you are comfortable doing this maneuver.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Secret: The Whole-Body Orgasm If you reach orgasm too quickly, men, you are likely to experience it in your genital area, only. That’s a weak orgasm. The whole-body orgasm is better. Whenever you feel yourself approaching the edge of orgasm, stop moving, exhale, contract and squeeze your orgasm muscles, then inhale and slowly relax them. Use your breathing to draw the pleasurable sensations of pre-orgasm out of your genitals and to expand them throughout your whole body. Relax your genitals, and you may feel the pleasurable sensations as a force that pushes explosively out of your genitals, but (for males) without ejaculation. After enough repetitions, you will find that your tendency to orgasm has abated, at which point you can increase the pleasure waves so that they pervade your whole body, so that you feel tingles and trembling of excitement, throughout. Then, you can go for orgasm when you and your partner are ready. One of the keys to whole-body orgasm, and one over which you don’t really have control, is to love your partner. That means you take pleasure in feeling him or her in all of his or her parts. That love truly intensifies the passion you can experience, for the more you love feeling your partner, the more you feel. That’s why lovemaking is more than sex. It’s also a good reason to handle upsets in your relationship promptly.

The Orgasm Musles

41

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling HOW TO DO THE DANCE

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Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling By now, you’ve gained some control over orgasm. To gain further control, it helps to be able to control your pelvic movements better. Here’s where things get more interesting. Obviously, the sensations of intercourse come in large part from contact. Not so obviously, straight forward and backward motions don’t do much to maximize contact, but side-to-side motions do.

Lengthening Your Sides The gyrating, side-to-side, round-and-round sexual motion that gives women such pleasure depends upon freedom to lengthen your sides, which, in turn, requires freedom of the muscles at the sides of your waist. When a woman does this motion in synchronization with a man, it enables him to give her amazing sensations without driving him to orgasm sooner than they would like. The combination of forward and backward motions with side-to-side motions produces a churning effect most enjoyable to women -whether the motion is done by the man or the woman. This churning motion is known by another name: bump and grind. Learn and practice this element of bump and grind here.

Wriggling

45

.

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Notice the first place that tightens. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement.

THE “FEEL” ICON

46

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Wriggling In this movement: •

You place as much emphasis on lengthening one side as you do on contracting the other side.

•

You coordinate the movements of your pelvis with those of your shoulders.

You are developing freedom of movement in both directions.

NOTE: Use less than full strength; move in an easygoing way. Use the minimum effort necessary to get a sensation and reduce the amount of effort with each repetition. If you cramp, use less effort and go more slowly.

Wriggling

47

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

STARTING POSITION:

• lying on your back, face turned to one side • the arm of that side by your side, palm up • the hand of the other side turned palm-up, elbow down on the surface. Slide your hand as close to the top of your head as you can with your elbow down. • the bent-elbow-side leg straight • the other leg bent, knee dropped to the side. The sole of the foot touches the side of the other knee. • If necessary for comfort in your groin, place a pillow under your knee.

Equalize the tensions of all movements being done at once. Exhale as you contract/tighten. Inhale as you relax. 48

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to the straight leg.

2.

Turn the foot toes-up toward the ceiling. Visually check foot position and adjust.

3.

Reach long with that leg. Feel your waist on the opposite side contract. Look there with your mind’s eye (imagine you are looking there).

Ø

If you can’t feel the opposite side of your waist contract, place your hand firmly against your hip as you reach with the leg.

4.

Slowly relax completely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times until you feel where your waist tightens. Then, continue to the next step. Wriggling

49

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to the shoulder opposite the straight leg. You’re looking over that shoulder.

2. Ø

Pull the underarm toward your waist, where you felt it tighten. Cause your waist to tighten in the same place. Look there in your mind’s eye. You may notice that to move your shoulder causes you to lengthen your leg. Let it be so.

3.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Rehearse at least three (3) times until you feel the action at your waist.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the two actions.

1. Ø

Reach with the straight leg and hold. Toes/foot upward. Feel it in your groin. Look there in your mind’s eye.

2.

Pull the opposite underarm toward your waist and hold.

3.

Balance the two actions by equalizing efforts.

4.

Slowly relax completely.

Ø Ø

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort.

Wriggling

51

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Reach with the straight-leg side and hold. Toes/foot up. Feel your waist contract on the opposite side. Look there in your mind’s eye.

Ø

2.

Û Ø

Gently tug the bent knee to the side and hold, using hip joint muscles. Feel it near your hip joint. Look there in your mind’s eye.

3.

Equalize the two efforts.

4.

Slowly relax. Focus on the feeling of muscles relaxing.

NO EFFORT

Repeat the action at least three (3) times at decreasing levels of effort. 52

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the three actions.

1. Ø

Reach with the straight leg side and hold. toes up

Ø

Û

Wriggling

2.

Pull the same side underarm toward the tight spot in your waist and hold.

3.

Gently tug the bent knee to the side and hold. Feel the action in your groin. Look there in your mind’s eye.

53

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Û

Pull the same side underarm toward the tight place in your groin and hold. Feel your abdominal muscles contract on one side.

5.

Exhale. Feel your abdominal muscles contract more.

6.

Equalize all efforts.

7.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat the action at least three (3) times at decreasing levels of effort.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Bring your attention to your straight arm.

1.

Ø

Pull your underarm toward your waist and hold. Feel how much sensation there is.

2. Ö

Squeeze the elbow of that side toward your spine. Feel it in your spine and the back edge of your armpit. Look there in your mind’s eye.

Û Ö

3.

Shrug the other shoulder and hold. Cause that hand to creep about 1/4” toward the opposite side.

Wriggling

55

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4. Ö

Balance the two efforts. Feel your whole torso shift.

5.

Slowly relax. Focus on the feeling of muscles relaxing.

NO EFFORT

Repeat at least three times at decreasing levels of effort.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Û

1.

Place your attention on the bent-elbow shoulder.

2.

Shrug that shoulder toward your neck and hold. Feel at the top of your shoulder and base of neck. Look there in your mind’s eye.

Û

Ø

Wriggling

3.

Reach with the same-side leg and hold. Feel that side elongate. Feel the other-side waist contract. Look there in your mind’s eye.

57

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Equalize the two efforts.

5.

Slowly relax completely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat a few times until you feel what the action does to the position of your torso.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Feel the opposite-side waist contract. Look there in your mind’s eye.

Ø

2.

Gently pull the palm-up underarm toward your tight waist and hold.

3.

Equalize the efforts.

4.

Gently tug the bent knee to the side and hold.

Ø

Û

Gently reach with the straight leg and hold.

Ø

Wriggling

59

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Gently pull the palm-up underarm toward the tight place in your groin, and hold.

6.

Gently dig the same side elbow toward your spine and hold.

7.

Gently shrug the other shoulder and hold.

Û

Ø

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Tighten your

neck toward your shrugged shoulder.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

8.

Equalize the shrug and elbow-dig. Feel how all actions combine to flex you to the side -a half-wiggle.

9.

Exhale and hold. Feel your front and side contract.

10. Take a deep breath and hold. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Do a set of cadenced breathing.

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61

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Relax your chest; go soft. Keep the breath in.

12. Exhale and relax all efforts together. NO EFFORT

Repeat the preceding movement a few times until you have more of a feel for how all the actions combine. Straighten out and compare your right side to your left side. Notice where they feel different from each other. Then, switch sides and repeat the entire sequence for the opposite side. Finally, lie on your back and practice wiggling side-to-side. MORE ADVANCED OPTION: Alternate sides. Start slowly with one repetition for one side, then switch sides for one repetition. Equalize the efforts of your two sides.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Advanced addition for alleviating neck tension: At the step where all four extremities are involved...

Wriggling

1.

Tilt your head back to tighten the muscles of the back of your neck, and hold.

2.

Turn your face to the side until you feel a “lock” (or restriction to turning) in your neck. Stay there and feel the “lock.”

3.

Take a deep breath and hold.

4.

Relax your chest; go soft.

63

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Relax your neck.

6.

Relax all other efforts.

7.

Exhale.

NO EFFORT

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Deeper Lovemaking

Secret: Pacing Yourself Doing things at the usual speed, we tend to do them in the usual way. One point of these exercises is to teach yourself to do something in a new way: to change how create your experience of love and sex. You may have noticed that you can’t see much detail in things that move quickly; it’s much easier to see the details of things that go slowly. The same is true of lovemaking and sex. The slower you go, the more time you have to experience. As you slow down and feel the sensations of movement, you feel more and move more sensuously. Slowing down is a basic key to enhancing pleasure. As you do the exercises slowly, you may even discover that you are holding tension that directly interferes with the movement you are doing. At that point, you can release the interfering tension. As you do, you will notice your movement getting smoother, feeling more elegant and under your control. That, of course, also applies to sex. So, as you do these movemetns, go slower with each repetition, maintaining smooth control of movement, then vary your speed for maximum pleasure At the beginning of this explanation were the words, “One point of these exercises is to teach yourself to do something in a new way: to change how you move and feel.” These words are, at this moment, an abstract generality to you; they don’t have much meaning. Their meaning will be obvious once you experience results from the somatic exercises. Here’s another set of words that will have meaning once you start the movement exercises: INTEND, ALLOW, DO.

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That means, “Know exactly what you INTEND to do, get the distinct feeling of ALLOWING yourself to do it (relax into doing it), and then, DO it.

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Twisting FOR SEX IN FOUR DIMENSIONS

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Twisting

The twisting movement is a quintessential human movement central to gyration, twisting side-to-side movements involving your pelvis. This movement originates at your waist and in your neck, aided by movements of your extremities. Whenyou have trouble twisting freely at your waist, other muscles, such as those over your hip joints, must overwork and tend to get tight over time. Such tightness leads to stiffness of an undesirable kind. Twisting movements are “the icing on the cake” in sexual intercourse. The churning movement developed by the exercises in the preceding sections is made into a swirling movement -- again, much favored by women. The following movement develops and coordinates twisting movements at your waist and extremities.

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69

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Notice the first place that tightens. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or decrease. As you hold tension, let the sensation of effort “set in” before you go into the relaxation phase. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE “FEEL” ICON

70

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Twisting

STARTING POSITION:

• lying on your back, face forward • the fingertips of one hand touching your neck behind your earlobe • the other arm straight with the hand resting on your groin • The straight-arm side knee bent and turned out to the side. The sole of the foot touches the side of the other knee. • other leg straight, toes up • If necessary for comfort in your groin, place a pillow under your knee.

Feel and reinforce the connection between the hip of one side and the shoulder of the opposite side.

Twisting

71

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to your bent leg.

2.

Press the knee of that leg down into the surface.

Ý

Feel your buttock contract.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Press the

edge of the bent-knee foot into the surface.

3.

Slowly relax.

Ý

Slowly relax completely and rehearse the movement at least three times until you can control the contraction of your buttock more smoothly. Then, relax.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Þ

1.

Bring your attention to the bent-elbow shoulder.

2.

Press your elbow and shoulder against the surface and lift your chest on that side. Feel the muscles between your shoulders contract, particularly on that side.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Press the

back of the bentelbow hand into the surface.

×

Ø 3. NO EFFORT

Slowly relax. Relax completely.

Repeat this pressing/releasing action at least three (3) times until you can feel where the movement comes from and can do it slowly and with confidence.

Twisting

73

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ý

1.

Bring your attention to your bent-leg buttock.

2.

Contract and hold. Feel how your pelvis shifts position (twists).

3.

Bring your attention to your bent-elbow shoulder.

4.

Press it down into the surface, lift your chest and hold.

Þ

Notice how pulling your shoulder down helps you to contract your buttock more strongly.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Þ

Ý

Relax your buttock and tighten your shoulder. Switch back and forth. Notice how tightening one affects the strength of the other. Notice now the sensation moves up and down your spine.

6.

Balance the efforts of buttock and shoulder. Notice how the sensation centers in your back.

Twisting

75

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

⇒

2nd level

⇒ Press the

bent-knee foot and bent-elbow hand and balance the efforts.

Þ

Ý

Notice how the action affects your spine.

7.

While holding shoulder and buttock tight, take a deep breath and hold it. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Contract

and relax your orgasm muscles a few times.

8.

76

Slowly relax your belly, chest, and neck.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

9.

Slowly relax all efforts.

10. Slowly exhale. NO EFFORT

Rehearse the movement at least three (3) times until you get better at it.

Twisting

77

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to the straight-arm shoulder.

2.

By twisting your arm elbow-out/back of the hand in, cause your shoulder to lift.

Ý

Û

Notice that your chest sinks on that side. Feel the muscles at the front of your chest and abdomen contract.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Tighten the bent-knee buttock. Feel how tightening your buttock helps turn your straight arm inward.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

Exhale and hold. Feel the effect on the straight-arm side of your torso.

4. NO EFFORT

Slowly inhale and relax all efforts to come out of twist.

Rehearse the movement at least three (3) times until you get better at it.

Twisting

79

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to your straight leg.

2.

Roll the knee of that leg inward (e.g., left kneecap points right). Keep your knee and ankle straight.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Press the

bent-elbow shoulder down.

Þ

Notice how your hip lifts and leg turns farther.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Look over

the shoulder of the leg you’re turning. Feel how looking there affects your ability to turn.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

Slowly relax. Feel the last place in your groin that relaxes.

NO EFFORT

Repeat slowly at least three (3) times, noticing the first place in your groin that contracts and the last place that relaxes. Notice if you get a little farther, each time, without extra effort.

Twisting

81

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Roll your straight-leg knee inward and hold. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Straighten and stiffen the straight leg.

2.

Twist your straight arm inward, so that you feel your shoulder lift and pull toward the tight place in your groin, and hold. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Lock your straight arm and straight leg straight.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NO EFFORT

3.

Take a deep breath and exhale.

4.

Stay exhaled, and slowly relax all other efforts.

5.

Slowly inhale.

Rehearse this combination move involving your arm, shoulder and breathing until you get better at it.

Twisting

83

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to the bent leg.

2.

Contract the buttock and hold.

3.

Press down the bent-arm shoulder, and hold.

Ý Þ

Feel the connection between shoulder and buttock across your back.

4.

84

Straight leg: roll the knee inward and hold.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Straight arm: twist and pull the shoulder toward your groin. You now feel a twist at your waistline.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Lock your

straight arm and straight leg straight.

6.

Balance the efforts of all four extremities by comparing one to the other. You’ll feel one diagonal line of tension down your back and another diagonal line of tension across your front. Equalize them by balancing your efforts.

Twisting

85

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7.

Relax your neck.

8.

Take a full breath and hold. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Contract

and relax your orgasm muscles a few times. Feel the inside of your pelvis and low back shift.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Do a set of the cadenced breathing.

9.

Relax all efforts while holding your breath.

10. Slowly exhale.

NO EFFORT

Straighten out and compare your right side to your left side. Notice where they feel different from and similar to each other. Repeat the entire sequence for the opposite side. 86

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Secret: The Advantage of Waiting I’m not talking about abstinence. I’m talking about the artful use of suspense to enhance desire and passion. We all have some recognition that satisfaction deferred is sweetest when fulfilled. That principle applies as much to the art of seduction as it does to orgasm. Intensity needs time to build. Men and women have opposite quandaries. A man can become aroused quickly and reach climax quickly, but if he does, his intensity is diminished and his partner is disappointed. If he can’t regulate his passion, he may have a problem of premature orgasm (or of premature love-confession -- another problem that leads to disappointment). A woman takes much time to become aroused, so if she engages in sex too soon, her intensity never has a chance to build. If lack of faith in love (or desire) leads her to settle too soon for the wrong man (or to surrender too soon to the right one), both he and she may be disappointed. It is often to the benefit of both to slow things down. The hard pounding extolled in pornography takes things in precisely the wrong direction. It substitutes speed and force, a formula that fails in many situations, for time and artful intent, the mode of seduction, itself. As any artist knows, creation cannot be forced. It can, however, be enticed with attention and a creative urge. So it is with lovemaking. Patience, persistence, love and desire. Let it build from the first moment of meeting. Men, don’t spring for it as soon as possible; take your time and feel the intensity build. That means, come closer and

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87

wait until the pull to kiss is positively magnetic before going in; wait until desire and anticipation are really strong before removing clothing; after each advance, back off and wait a little. Let anticipation build, then go further, then back off and wait until the intensity builds, some more. Women, don’t wait too long or you may drive your man insane with desire and lose him altogether. Learn to ride the edge. There is a balance. To feel when it is time, notice when you feel both the excitement of passion and a sense of control. Ride the edge. Move forward until you feel you are “teasing the dragon,” then take a step back. Allow the excitement to build. When you can sustain it at will, build some more. You’ll know when you want to go for it.

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Spine Waves SENSUOUS SPINAL UNDULATIONS

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Spine Waves Freeing Your Pelvis One of the basic problems people have with basic pelvic movement is back pain from tight back muscles. Even without back pain, tight muscles interfere with movement, and some people have limited pelvic movement. If you’re going to have freedom of pelvic movement, you need to be free of back tension and back pain. This movement exercise relaxes and comforts your back to improve your freedom of pelvic movement.

Hidden Connections Among the body’s parts, there are hidden connections, in which movements of one part elicit responsive movements of other parts. By moving both parts together and feeling the effort, we can reset muscular tensions that are otherwise habitual. The following movement, Spine Waves, makes use of such hidden connections. By so doing, they produce some remarkable changes of freedom of movement for which there is no adequate substitute.

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91

All of the coordination patterns in this book consist of a contraction phase and a slow relaxation phase. As you do these coordination patterns:

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to! • Let the sensation “set in” before relaxing. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

92

THE “FEEL” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Spine Waves STARTING POSITION:

• lying on your back • knees up, legs balanced, leaning neither in nor out • arms outstretched, hands in line with shoulders IF NECESSARY FOR COMFORT,

• place your hands on your belly • place a pillow under your head or elbows The following movements are all preparations for freeing your pelvis and set the stage for what is to follow. The sequence is lengthy, but worth it.

Find the place behind your nose whenever you see .

5

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

93

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Press your head down.

2.

Turn chin up, and hold.

5 Ø Ø

5 Ø

Ø 3.

Ü

5

Feel the back of your neck and the muscles of your mid-back tighten. Feel your breastbone lift.

4. Ø

NO EFFORT

Inhale, lift your breastbone and hold.

Slowly exhale and relax all efforts. Breathe freely. Feel the back of your neck relax, your chest sink and your low back flatten.

Repeat until you feel the muscles of your mid-back contract as you lift your breastbone (about five (5) times at decreasing levels of effort).

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

This next movement improves your control over the muscles of your mid-to-upper back, resulting in relaxation, there.

1.

5 Ø

Feel the back of your neck tighten and shorten.

Ø

2.

Ü

Ø

3.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Inhale, lift your breastbone, and hold. Feel the back of your neck and your mid-to-upper back tighten. Feel your breastbone lift.

Ü

Ø

Press your head down, turn chin up, and hold.

Equalize tensions at the back of your neck and mid-back.

95

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

5 Ø

When you feel tension or sensation in your back the most, hold that position until you feel the sensation shift.

5 Ø 5. Ý

5

Slowly relax the back of your neck until tension moves to your mid-toupper back. (Breastbone stays lifted.)

Slowly and together, lower your breastbone and relax your neck. Breathe freely. You may feel your back relax, lengthen, and flatten..

Repeat until you feel the muscles of your mid-back relax as you lower your breastbone (about five (5) times at decreasing levels of effort).

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The next movement prepares you to improve muscular control of the muscles along the front of your neck. We start at the base of your throat.

1. Ü

Lift your breastbone, hold. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Inhale.

Ø

2.

5

Ø

Tuck your chin toward your neck, press your head down, and hold. Feel the tension at the front of your neck and base of your throat.

5 Ø

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

3.

5 4.

Equalize tucking your chin and lifting your breastbone. Relax all efforts. Feel your throat open.

97

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Breathe freely.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you clearly feel the base of your throat constrict and then open (about five (5) times at decreasing levels of effort).

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

This next move improves your control of the muscles that run from the base of your throat, up through the back of your throat (the front of your neck vertebrae), to the place behind your nose. You may notice your mid-back relax in waves with each repetition.

Ü

1.

Inhale, breastbone up, and hold. Feel the effort of lifting your chest.

2. Ø

Tuck chin, flatten neck down, and hold. Feel the front of your neck tighten, and throat, constrict.

3.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Equalize the sensations of the front of your neck and mid-to-upper back by adjusting the efforts.

99

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ý

4.

When you feel the front of your neck begin to tighten ...

Ø

Ý

5.

Ø

Slowly relax your neck. Feel the wave of tension move from the base of your throat to the place behind your nose.

6. NO EFFORT

Exhale and let your breastbone sink.

Relax all efforts and breathe freely.

Repeat this combination movement until you can clearly feel the wave of tension move to the place behind your nose (about five (5) times at decreasing levels of effort).

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now you are ready to involve the muscles of your low back.

5 Ø

1.

Press your head down and hold.

2.

Chin up, and hold.

Ø

5 Ø

Feel the back of your neck tighten and shorten.

Ø

Ü

3.

Breastbone up, and hold. Feel the effort of lifting your chest at your mid-toupper back.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Inhale fully,

then breathe lightly.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

101

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Ü

Tighten your low back (turns tailbone down into the surface). ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Help your back arch: Lift some weight off your feet. Feel your groin tighten.

×

5.

Equalize the efforts in your neck and back.

6.

Slowly relax your neck until you feel more tension at your lower back.

Ø

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7.

Equalize the tensions at groin and low back by adjusting your foot-pressure.

8.

Exhale until you first feel your back tighten more.

9.

Without changing position, inhale.

×

Ý

× Ø

ÜÜ

×

Ý Ø

10. Actively exhale and cause your back to relax and flatten. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Lower your

Ý ØØ

Ø

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

feet.

Feel equal pressure at the heels and the balls of your feet.

103

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Relax all efforts and breathe freely. Notice how your low back feels.

NO EFFORT

12. Exhale until your belly tightens. 5

Û

5

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

13. Lift a bit of weight off your scalp and look toward your knees. If you can’t lift your head, imagine you are lifting your head.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5

Þ

Ø

5

14. Inhale, lie back and relax. Keep your low back snug to the surface as you lie back.

15. Breathe freely. NO EFFORT

Repeat until you feel your back flatten by relaxing (about five (5) times, total, at decreasing levels of effort).

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

105

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, you connect the muscles of your mid-back to those of your throat (inside-front of your neck).

Ü

5

1.

Lift breastbone and hold.

2.

Tuck chin and hold.

3.

Gradually tighten the small of your back and hold.

Ø

Ø

Feel your back curve.

4.

106

Equalize the tensions of your low back and throat by adjusting your efforts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Feel the pressure equally on heels and balls of feet.

ØØ

6.

Bring your head to the neutral position.

7.

Slowly relax your back and neck; let your back flatten.

8.

Slowly relax all efforts and breathe freely.

5

ØØ

5 ØØ

Press your feet down and hold.

Ø

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can feel your low back flatten a bit more (about three (3) times, total, at decreasing levels of effort).

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

107

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, the same move with breathing, ending with a relaxed belly.

Ü

1.

Lift breastbone and hold. Feel your mid-to-upper back.

5

2.

Ø

Tuck chin toward neck, and hold. Feel the front of your neck tighten.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Inhale.

3.

Gradually tighten the small of your back and hold the shape.

4.

Equalize the front of your neck and low back.

Ø

108

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ý

5.

Sense your back muscles and exhale until you first feel them tighten. Feel where your back muscles are tightest.

6. ØØ

Feel the heels and balls of feet press equally. Your back tightens more. Regulate the effort for comfort.

7.

Hold your shape, relax your belly and breathe freely.

8.

Bring your head to neutral position.

ØØ

ØØ

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

Press your feet down.

5

109

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

9.

5

Ø

ØØ

Slowly relax your back muscles and let your back flatten.

10. Relax all efforts and breathe freely. NO EFFORT NO EFFORT

5

Û

5

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

11. Exhale until you feel your belly tighten, then look between your knees. If you can’t lift your head, imagine you are lifting your head.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5

Þ

Ø

5

12. Inhale, lie back, and relax. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Keep the back of your pelvis snug against the surface as you lie back. Lie back slowly enough to stay in snug contact.

⇒ 3rd level ⇒

Locate the place behind your nose as you lie back.

13. Breathe freely. NO EFFORT NO EFFORT

Repeat at least three (3) times, total.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

111

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, you’re ready to combine the two movement combinations to involve your entire spinal musculature.

Ü

1.

Lift breastbone and hold.

2.

Tuck chin, push head down, and hold.

5

Ø

Feel the place behind your nose.

3. Ø

Tighten the muscles of the small of your back, and hold. Feel the hollow arch in the small of your back; feel your tailbone turn down into the surface.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Equalize the efforts at your neck and back. Take some time to feel what’s working -- where the effort is.

5.

Lift a bit of weight off your feet.

6.

Tip your chin up to the neutral position, and hold.

×

×

5

Feel the connection between the place behind your nose and the muscles at the base of your head.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Look up toward your brow.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

113

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

7. Ý

Exhale until you feel your back muscles tighten further. Notice where you feel it in your back.

ØØ

ØØ

ØØ

Ø

8.

Lower your feet gently.

9.

Equalize the downward pressure on your feet and head. Allow time for the sensation to “set in.” You may feel muscles shifting.

10. Keep the shape, relax your belly and breathe freely. Ø Feel your back sag, slightly.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

11. Slowly relax your back muscles.

ØØ

Ø

Ø

You feel your back flatten, a bit.

12. Relax all other efforts. NO EFFORT

5

Û

5

HEAD LIFT EXAGGERATED FOR VISIBILITY.

13. Exhale until you feel your belly tighten, then look between your knees. If you can’t lift your head, imagine you are lifting your head.

Basic Pelvic Motion: Spine Waves

115

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Þ

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Lie back slowly enough to keep the back of your pelvis snug against the surface as you lie back.

Ø

Þ

Ø

14. Inhale, lie back, breathe freely.

5

⇒ 3rd level ⇒

Locate the place behind your nose as you lie back.

15. Relax all efforts and breathe freely. NO EFFORT

Repeat the preceding movement about three (3) times or until you get better at it.

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Secret: Attention Attention is the great intensifier. Whatever you put your attention on, you experience. More attention, more experience of whatever your attention is on. The flip side also holds true. When you are the object of attention, your experience gets more intense. That’s a key to sensuality and to sexuality. It all starts with attention. If you want to intensify your partner’s experience, put more attention on him or her. The more attention you place on him or her, the more he or she will feel. The more attention you place on yourself and your sensations, the more you will feel. That’s a clue for the control of sexual response. There’s a difference between putting attention on your partner and getting more excited and putting your attention on your partner and having him or her get more excited. If you’re getting more excited and you notice it, your attention has gone back onto yourself or into your imagination. If you want to keep control of your responses, keep your attention on your partner. In a way, it’s a sort of game: who can get their partner’s attention most onto themselves. It’s an alternating play, a balancing act. Played well, both of you win. At first, your attention may be primarily on what you are feeling, on what your partner looks like and on his or her sounds and scents. But it can also be attention to emotional experiencing -- to what you and your partner are feeling. It can be attention to your partner’s attention (where is it?), to your partner’s bodily energy field (experienced as sensations), and ultimately, if you feel deeply enough into your partner, it can be attention to the formless mystery beyond dreaming that contains both you and your partner as you partake in sexual ecstasy.

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.

Learning the Grind of the “Bump and Grind” PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

119

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The “Grind”of the “Bump and Grind” A few words on The Bump and Grind movement pattern. Why do they call it, “The Bump and Grind”? It’s because first you bump and then you grind -penetration as deep as possible followed by undulating and gyrating movements. Bump and Grind requires freedom of movement of your pelvis. Otherwise, you may have plenty of bump but little grind. When people with a rigid pelvis try to grind, they end up doing awkward, sudden, out of control, out of round movements. Since bump and grind is very pleasurable to women and fun for men, it’s a good thing to be able to do. The following movement frees your spine for bump and grind. It gives new meaning to the word, “screwing.”

The “Grind” of The Bump and Grind

121

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

• Let the sensation “set in” before relaxing, each time at a decreasing level of effort.

THE “FEEL” ICON

122

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Learning the “Grind” of the Bump and Grind STARTING POSITION:

• seated • hands on hips • feet and knees at shoulder width

Feel the tension “orbit” your waistline as you move, as you keep the amount of weight on your two feet equal and constant.

1. ’ ×

The “Grind” of The Bump and Grind

Shift your weight to your left buttock and hold. Feel your waistline contract on the right side.

123

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

2.

Lift your left shoulder to match the effort at your right waist, and hold.

3.

Arch your back (bring your chest up), and hold.

Ւ

Ü

Ւ

Feel the tension move to your back, on the right.

4.

Ø ’Õ

Let your right hip and left shoulder come down. Stay arched. Feel the tension move from your right side toward the center of your spine.

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Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

×

Ւ

×

×

×

× Õ’

Lift your left hip and right shoulder, and hold. Feel the tension move toward your left waist.

6.

Equalize the efforts.

7.

Slowly let your chest cave in, so you sag.

Ø

Feel the tension move from your left side toward the center of your belly.

’Õ

8. ’

Center your weight on your buttocks. Feel the tension move to the center of your belly.

The “Grind” of The Bump and Grind

125

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ւ

Continue this cycle of shifting your weight in a circle and feel the tension “orbit” your belly. Do five cycles or more at decreasing levels of effort Feel your point of contact with your seat go around and around in an oval shape.

Then, reverse direction. If you find any position particularly painful, retreat from that position away from the pain. Then, make small, slow turning movements as if to glance over your shoulder, back and forth, into and out of the pain. Find the edge. Then, scan your body and relax in place. Relax into the movement so the pain disappears.

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Secret: The Subtle Touch When you have done enough with the somatic exercises, you will find that you can intensity feeling in various parts of your body just by paying attention to them. That ability sets the stage for The Subtle Touch. The Subtle Touch is extremely useful for creating pleasure in your lover. When you touch your lover, how do you decide where to go, next? Is it a matter of where you would like to touch, next, for the sake of your own excitement, of “getting to the next step”? Or is it a matter of where your lover is sensitized and desires to be touched (or would desire, if he or she knew him-or-herself well enough)? If it’s the latter, you’re faced with a quandary: How do you know? Technical knowledge won’t do it, so sex books of the usual sort (including the Kama Sutra) won’t help. It can help for your partner to tell you. But even better is your ability to sense, for yourself. It is possible to sense what another person is feeling, directly, if you are sensitized enough, yourself. How sensitized is sensitized enough? If you can feel your own body-sense and then feel the space around it, you’re sensitized enough. Let’s try a little something. Bring your attention to your hand and feel what it feels like, from inside. Feel your fingers, feel your palm, feel the back of your hand, feel your wrist. Feel the shape of your hand. Now feel the space around your hand. Now, rapidly turn your forearm back and forth, back and forth, palm up and palm down while feeling the space around your hand. Keep doing that

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until you feel the space around your hand as a sphere. Keep that feeling, and bring your hand toward your other forearm. You may notice that your forearm feels a kind of warmth and pressure as your hand approaches, and your hand may feel a kind of pressure as it approaches your forearm. That’s The Subtle Touch. Activate The Subtle Touch when you are making love and, by passing it over your lover’s body, use it to feel the places that are sensitized. You’ll be able to tell by feel and be drawn there by the creative urge to give pleasure. When you are more practiced, you’ll be able to feel your lover’s sensations just be scanning him or her with your eyes and intending to feel what it feels like in the place you are scanning, as if it were you you were feeling. Add to that what you have learned from books (or others) and the guidance your lover gives you, and you have an unusually sensuous combination.

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Freedom to Spread Your Legs SOMETIMES, YOU MUST CLOSE BEFORE YOU CAN OPEN WIDE

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YAB-YUM POSITION

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Freedom to Spread Your Legs

It seems pretty obvious that good sexual contact requires the ability of a woman to spread her legs, freely. However, the classic “Yab Yum” position (shown on the facing page), requires the same ability of the man. The problem is tight muscles of the inner thighs. Stretching doesn’t really do the job, but there is an easier, longer-lasting way. The key to freedom of the inner thighs is to develop the ability to control the tension of those muscles. Certain movements, such as those found in this section, rapidly improve your ability to feel and control those muscles.

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.

• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

• Let the sensation “set in” before relaxing, each time at a decreasing level of effort. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE “FEEL” ICON

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THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freedom to Spread Your Legs STARTING POSITION: • sidelying • underside leg straight • topside leg bent at the knee in front of the other leg • underside arm straight • hand of the topside arm on the soft part of the elbow of the other arm • If necessary for comfort in your neck, put a cushion under your head.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

1.

Bring your attention to the underside leg. Make the side of the foot lie flush on the surface on which you are lying.

2.

Lift and lower your underside leg.

Ø

Feel where the underside leg’s lifting muscles tighten and loosen. Feel there as you lift and lower.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Exhale as

you lift; inhale as you lower. Repeat at a lower level of effort, each time.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

1.

Slowly lift and lower your head. You feel your neck, topside ribs, and waist contract and relax.

Ø

Ø

Be sure you are face-forward; don’t turn your head.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ If you have

neck pain, turn your head so you feel the painful area clearly. Relax from there.

Repeat at a lower level of effort, each time.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

Ø

×

Ø

1.

Slowly lift and lower your head and underside leg. Feel what’s working. Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

Continue until you distinctly feel the connection between the two places.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ø

1.

Bring your attention to the topside, bent leg.

2.

Press down with that leg from knee to foot.

Ø

Ø

Ø

Feel the muscles of the groin on that side contract. Feel how the topside leg wants to lift.

Ø

Ø

Ø

Ø

Freedom to Spread Your Legs

3.

Slowly relax.

4.

Press down on the topside leg and hold.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

×

Ø

Ø

5.

Slowly lift your head, and hold.

6.

Slowly lift your underside leg and hold. Feel the height at which it helps you lift your head.

7. Equalize the efforts of lifting your leg and head. 8. Slowly relax all efforts. Repeat at least three times until you are more relaxed. Then turn over and do the other side.

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Secret: The Transcendent Kiss One way of looking at kissing is as a communication. It’s not a teethcrunching event nor an attempt to eat your lover nor an attempt to overwhelm your lover. It’s not a way to show your passion. It’s a way of meeting your lover. It’s a two-way communication -- the feeling of kissing and of being kissed back. The passion is not a demonstration for show; it’s a build-up of the passion between you and your lover, communion. A kiss may last a long time -- five minutes or longer. It may be punctuated by quick, soft kisses that tease and build attraction or it may be continuous. It may be on the lips or around the mouth, on the eyes or all over the face, in progressive lines of feeling all over the body, or on erogenous places. Above all, it is a soft meeting, not a hard one; hard meetings desensitize. Even when there’s pressure, it’s not about crushing pressure or about wild gyrations unless that’s what both you and your lover are into. If you can’t feel your lover’s response to your kiss, you’re probably kissing too hard or too wildly and not paying enough attention to your lover’s responses -- too much doing and not enough feeling. The kind of kiss often shown in the movies, the open-mouth kiss, is only a surface appearance. It may seem to portray desire and passion -- but usually the way it is shown -- as a plunge -- misses the essence of “kiss” -- the magnetic attraction that pulls us toward our lover. At best, it can only imply it. That magnetic attraction is intensified by moments of suspense, in which we are poised at just that point when we are close, face to face, eyes to eyes, drawn together but before we dive in. It’s not contrived; it’s attentive. That moment of suspense was shown beautifully in the movies, Down with Love, with Renée Zellweger and Ewan McGregor, and in Top Gun, with Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis (the elevator scene). In both cases, the characters were close to each other and the kiss, seemingly inevitable, the suspense, palpable, and even though a kiss didn’t happen in some of those scenes, the magnetic attraction did. That kind of suspense may last and intensify over

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seconds or over many minutes or hours. This magnetic attraction is only the first moment that draws us in. The touch and press of lips is but the beginning of a deeper fulfillment, as we merge in an absorption in which only intensifies as we feel the passion of our partner and surrender to it in an emotional surge of desire and commitment to kiss. That’s not as far as a kiss can go. For as we kiss more deeply, we can feel more than our own passion; we feel our partner, his or her essence. In our love, we feel more deeply into her or him, we feel his or her being. We dive in, not only physically, but in our feeling-attention, body and soul. If we dive deeply, enough, we can feel that the sense of her or of him is merged with our sense of ourselves, or more exactly, that we cannot tell where we end and they begin. We can deliberately feel that feeling and explore it. Now, don’t expect words to be able to describe or explain it beyond that. You’ll have to pay attention during your next kiss. It’s a feeling. Once you have recognized it, you can go further. You can explore that feeling with your loving intuition. Feel into it and expand your attention in some direction and then in all directions. Soon, you’ll recognize that it has a shape, size, and boundary. And what is beyond that boundary, what encloses it, is beyond self, even the merged self of you and your partner in kissing. It is the transcendent mystery that encloses us and exists outside of our sense of all life. In some sense, it is the mystery that contains the entire universe. It is the same mystery that we may intuit in ourselves, as the place from which our consciousness mysteriously comes, even the place from which we came when we were born, if your mind and imagination are absorbed in the kissing, itself, deeply. The Transcendent Kiss is as deep as a kiss can go, as large as it can go, and it discloses to us a mystery that penetrates deeper than our mind, our feelings, our egos, our sense of ourselves as individuals, to the unnameable,

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ineffable essence of the mystery of what we are.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of Being and ideal Grace... ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

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Freeing Your Groin FOR PUSHING TOGETHER

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Freeing Your Groin Your Low Back -Hidden Connection to Your Groin In the Wriggling exercise, you felt how your leg and opposite side of your low back are connected; reaching with your leg caused the opposite side of your low back to contract. There is a similar connection along the front side of your legs and pelvis. In particular, the muscles of your groin have a functional connection with the muscles deep in your pelvis, but on the opposite side. The next learning exercise wakes up that connection and reduces the strain in the lower back that occurs when muscular confusion exists in this area. You’ll find that this movement has a very satisfying use during intercourse.

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• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Begin with the least amount of effort needed to feel your effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. Notice where you feel it. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

• Let the sensation “set in” before relaxing, each time at a decreasing level of effort. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions.

THE “FEEL” ICON

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THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freeing Your Groin STARTING POSITION: • lying on your front • one leg straight • the other leg turned knee-out, sole of the foot against the opposite ankle • face turned to the side of the bent knee • hands palm-down under or next to your face (whichever you prefer)

If your neck is too stiff for comfort, put a pillow under your chest, to make space for your neck and head. With your hand, reach down to the front of your waistline near your pocket and locate the protuberance of bone. That’s the front of your hip bone.

Tighten the groin of one leg and pulling it (by feel) toward the front of your hip bone on the opposite side.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ø

NO EFFORT

Ø

1.

Bring your attention to the turned leg.

2.

Press the inside of your knee down against the surface, then release. Put your attention in your groin as you press. Feel where the effort comes from Repeat until you can feel where the movement comes from (which muscles are working).

NO EFFORT

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to learn how to find the best positions in which to work.

1.

Press the same knee down and hold.

2.

Draw the foot of the same leg along the inside of the other leg. When you find a position that reveals discomfort in your groin or back, pause in place.

3.

Relax in place.

×

Ø

That’s your first working position.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Û

150

1.

Press down again and hold.

2.

Slightly pull the groin of that side toward the upper hip bone of your opposite side and hold. You feel one leg reach long as the opposite side of your low back contracts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

3.

×

×

Slowly lift your head to the height at which you can best feel the sensation of lifting.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Slowly lift and

lower the arm of the same side as the bent leg, keeping the tension in your groin muscles constant. Feel what’s working. Then lift and hold. Equalize the effort of pressing the knee down and lifting the arm.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

⇒ 3rd level ⇒ Slowly lift and

×

lower your straight leg, keeping the tension of your other efforts constant. Feel what’s working. Then, lift and hold.

Ø ×

4.

Ø

Slowly lower your head to rest. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ If you have

lifted your arm, slowly lower your arm before you lower your head.

Ø

⇒ 3rd level ⇒ Slowly lower

Ø

your lifted leg.

×

Ø

5.

Slowly relax the muscles of your groin.

6.

Relax completely in place. Do not move out of position. You have just done one complete cycle. Repeat in the same position before locating the next position.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to locate the next position in which to work.

×

Freeing Your Groin

1.

Bring your attention to the bent leg.

2.

Press down and hold.

3.

Slowly, slowly draw your foot higher up along the straight leg. When you find your next position of discomfort, pause and relax in place.

4.

Press your knee down, again. Feel the muscles of your groin contract.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

As before, pull the muscles of your groin toward your opposite hip.

6.

Slowly lift your head to the height where you feel the effort best.

×

Ø

Û

×

OPTIONS (as before):

×

Lift your arm. Lift your opposite leg.

× 7.

Slowly relax.

Ø Ø Ø

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

SUMMARY: • knee down • head up • arm up • leg up • arm down • head down • leg down • relax

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Freeing Your Groin -- II This movement is complementary to the preceding one. It is good to follow one immediately with the other.

STARTING POSITION: • lying on your back • one leg straight, the other leg bent at the knee • knee of the bent leg dropped to the side • foot of the bent leg against the inside of the thigh of the other leg at or above the knee • face forward • hand opposite bent leg under your head • If necessary for comfort in your groin, place a cushion under your bent knee and/or elbow.

Fold along your groin by simultaneously lifting a knee and the opposite hip. The hips twist.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

1.

Bring your attention to your bent leg.

2.

Lift its knee enough to feel tension in your groin. Stay lifted. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Turn the toes of the straight leg straight upwardly.

3.

Ø

Freeing Your Groin

Slide your foot down the opposite leg toward the foot to locate all positions in which you have discomfort in your groin. Address the most uncomfortable positions, first, as tension in these positions may limit your ability to relax less contracted places.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Reposition your foot at the beginning, slide and stop at the most uncomfortable position for your groin.

5.

In that position, slightly lift the foot of that leg. Stay within your comfort zone. Feel the added sensation in your groin. Notice how your opposite hip lifts, slightly. This is “folding your groin”.

×

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Help your

opposite hip lift by pressing down on your straight leg and its same-side shoulder and hold.

Ø

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⇒ 3rd level ⇒ Equalize all efforts.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

6.

Ø

Slowly lower your foot and let your knee slowly drop down. Notice how your groin unfolds, slightly.

Ø

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ If you lifted your opposite hip, slowly lower it before lowering your knee. Notice how your groin unfolds further.

7.

With the edge of your hand, make a “sawing” motion along the whole line of your groin to define and feel where the fold of your groin is.

8.

Contract both buttocks and relax.

You have just done one complete cycle.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

You are about to locate your next working position.

×

Ø

1.

Bring your attention to your bent leg.

2.

Lift your knee, slightly, and hold.

3.

Slowly, slide your foot along toward your straight-leg foot. When you feel any sensation of discomfort in your groin or low back, stop in place.

You have just located your next working position.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

×

Slightly lift the foot of the bent leg.

Feel your groin contract further.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Press your

×

straight leg down to lift your opposite hip and fold your groin further.

Ø

⇒ 3rd level ⇒ Equalize the

efforts of pushing down with one leg and lifting the knee of the other.

Ø

2.

Slowly relax so your lifted hip drops and your bent leg turns knee-outward.

3.

Lower your lifted foot.

Ø

Ø

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161

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

“Saw” along the line of your groin. Let your groin feel your hand.

Continue to locate positions by progressively straightening, contracting and relaxing, until your bent leg is completely straight.

Switch legs and do your other side.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

ADVANCED VARIATION: Once you know this movement, locate “trouble spots” by contracting your buttocks and straightening your bent leg straight. Work in the position where you feel the greatest restriction in your groin.

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Secret: Boundaries A boundary is something you can push against. A soft boundary allows penetration. In relationships, softening a boundary involves yielding. It may be the yielding of allowing someone to get to know you, the yielding of allowing someone to do something to you, the yielding of allowing yourself to feeling something. A soft boundary has a feeling of control that makes it safe to feel and even enhances feeling. Seduction involves the willing softening of boundaries. If you feel pressured or violated, you have a boundary; the more pressured or violated, the harder the boundary. The other side of the coin: no boundaries, no sense of penetration, only unity with the other. A person with boundary issues wants to have a boundary, but believes he or she shouldn’t. He or she doesn’t really allow him-or-herself to feel because to feel would be too much. A person with hard boundaries also doesn’t allow him-or-herself to feel. So, it’s not a matter of having no boundaries or solid boundaries, but of having control over your boundaries. Which brings us to the sense of feeling pressured. Feeling pressured may seem to be the experience of someone pushing too hard on your boundary. It seems that way because there’s usually someone “out there” apparently doing the pushing. But unless the pushing is physical, and not merely verbal, the sense of pressure isn’t coming from outside; it’s coming from within. Let me say that another way. If you feel highly pressured by someone to do something, it’s because you’re in conflict with your own desire to do

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that same thing. Otherwise, the feeling of pressure would be noticeable, but minor and within your power of decision. The feeling of urgency to make a decision, which is the essence of feeling pressured, comes from within. Otherwise, there would be no sense of urgency; your mind would already be made up and you would feel secure in your stand. So something else is going on, and that something is conflict with your own desire. Own up to it. Feel it. Feel the resistance to it. Alternate feeling your desire and resistance. The, teel both your desire and your resistance at the same time. The feeling will be a familiar tension. Notice if that feeling of tension is voluntary or involuntary. Don’t think about it; feel it. Then, decide whether you want to keep that tension. If you let it go, you’ll relax and discover a new sense of freedom without feeling so pressured. You’ll have better control of your boundary and your ability to decide when you soften it. You’ll have freer choice -- and a freer ability to enjoy your decision.

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Presenting Your Chest and Pelvis FULL BODY CONTACT

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Presenting Your Chest and Pelvis Presenting Your Chest: The Head-and-Shoulder Tripod This movement has the remarkable effect of relaxing tension deep in your pelvis. That means that your low back at your waistline will get more supple, allowing freer pelvic movement. It’s an odd thing, but your neck and low back affect each other in movement. Of particular interest is that the place behind your nose, at the base of your head, is also the key to controlling orgasm. At the moment orgasm is about to go out of control, you will feel, if you pay attention, the place at the base of your head (it feels like the back of your brain) contract. It’s almost as if your brain is contracting the same way as are your genitals during the build-up. If you deliberately relax that place, you can back off from orgasm. Of course, you may not want to, but having control of that place gives you the choice.

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The two exercises that follow in this section bring your attention to that special, “orgasm control” place, so you can learn and practice control.

Learning How to Move Your Pelvis Better Pelvic movement isn’t controlled at your pelvis; it’s controlled at the middle of your belly and in your legs and felt in your pelvis. For good, coordinated pelvic movement in all positions, you need to be able to control movement equally well from the center of your body and from your legs. This two-part section gives you practice controlling movement from each place.

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• Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort. You may need to contract and relax a number of times to feel it. With each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Notice where you feel your effort. Feel there continuously through the movement. • Act slowly enough to feel the first sensation of effort. • Follow the instructions, but breathe when you need to!

• Let the sensation “set in” before relaxing, each time at a decreasing level of effort. • Be sure to relax completely between repetitions. • Go slowly enough to feel tension increase or decrease.

THE “FEEL” ICON

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

171

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Presenting Your Chest STARTING POSITION:

• on your back • legs: knees up, feet spaced so legs balance vertically, leaning neither in, nor out • hands: fingers interlaced at the base of your head • head: resting in the cups of your palms • elbows: flat on the floor If necessary for comfort, place cushions under your elbows.

Use very gentle effort to equalize the muscles along your spine and the muscles between your shoulders until you feel the muscular tensions in your back shift.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1. CHIN UP

Using the back of your head, noticing the first sensation of effort, gently press against your hands. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Feel the

CHIN UP

5

place behind your nose as you press.

2.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can sense the moment effort begins and the place where it begins.

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

173

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Bring your attention to your arms and shoulders.

2.

By pulling your shoulder blades together in back, gently pull your shoulders back into the surface on which you are lying.

Ý

Þ

You may notice that your chest lifts. Actively imagine your chest lifting more.

3.

Slowly relax.

NO EFFORT

Repeat until you can sense the moment effort begins and the place where it begins.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Now, we combine the two movements:

1.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Feel the place behind your nose as you press.

5 2. HEADDOWN

Bring your attention back to your head.

Ø

Press your head down against your hands and hold. Feel where in your neck you tighten.

3. HEAD DOWN,

Ø

CHIN UP

Ø

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

Ø

Chin up and hold. Feel the neck tension move more to the back surface of your neck. You may feel your low back tighten a bit, and the pressure against the back of your pelvis, increase.

175

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Pull your shoulders back and hold.

5.

Equalize the efforts of head and shoulders.

ÖÕ

Alternate your attention between your neck and your shoulders and adjust. You may now feel the pressure of your head and shoulders as a triangle. THE TENSION IN YOUR SHOULDERS AND BACK IS SHAPED LIKE A “PLUS”

176

(+).

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Feel yourself resting on the “head and shoulder tripod.”

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

Notice how your low back feels as you hold the “head and shoulder tripod.”

4.

×

Take a deep breath, gently lift your chest and look straight up at the ceiling (head in neutral position). Pause in place and feel.

5.

Hold the “tripod” and slowly relax your low back muscles. You feel your lower back flatten and the tension move to your ribs, in back.

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177

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

6.

Slowly relax the rest of your efforts. Feel your upper back relax between the shoulder blades. You may want to stretch the area out, now that it has some slack.

Repeat at a lower level of effort.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Presenting Your Pelvis NEXT POSITION: same as before, except: • arms back by head, bent 90 degrees at elbows (straight line through elbows and shoulders)

If necessary for comfort, place cushions under your wrists.

Learn to control the muscles of your throat and neck.

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179

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Exhale until you feel a tug on your chest.

2.

By pressing down with your feet, lift your hips high.

Ø

× ØØ

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Press equally

with the heels and balls of your feet.

180

3.

Take a full breath in.

4.

Exhale again until you feel a pull on your chest.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5. ×

×

Lift your head until some weight comes off your scalp. Keep your chin tucked near your neck. You feel your throat constrict, a bit. If it doesn’t constrict, make it constrict by tucking your chin towards your adam’s apple.

2

Û

⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Gaze

×

between your knees.

Feel how that action changes your alignment.

2

5

Presenting Your Pelvis and Chest

⇒ 3rd level ⇒ Feel the

place behind your nose.

181

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

Ø

6.

5

Keep your head up, let your hips come down. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Inhale as you lower your hips.

7. Ø

Let your head sink down. ⇒ 2nd level ⇒ Continue to inhale.

8. NO EFFORT

Rest and breathe freely.

Repeat at least twice more (3 times, minimum). Repeat the “head and shoulder tripod” a few times.

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Secret: The Enticement of Teasing

(See?)

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OK. As an act of mercy, I’ll explain. That was an experiential presentation of what the title meant. If you noticed what you felt upon seeing the blank page after the enticing title, you’ll understand the power of teasing -the offering of something and then its withdrawal or non-fulfillment. It makes you want it all the more, doesn’t it? ‘nuff said.

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The Pelvic Power Thrust YOU MEAN IT.

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.(This page deliberately blank.)

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Pelvic Power Thrust

Our spine and legs are related. Leg movements affect pelvic position. Just think of how, by tightening your buttocks (which pull your legs backward), you cause your pubic area to come forward. That changes the curve of your low back. The movement pattern in this section creates a powerful connection between torso and legs and enhances your ability to control your pelvic thrusting movements. The movement, itself, is inherently satisfying. Work in an exploratory fashion, feeling the effects as you do the movements. Don’t let your attention wander; keep it in the movement all the way to the end, and you will probably discover and release tensions that you didn’t know you had.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

• Always regulate your effort to be within your comfort zone: the amount of sensation you can experience without fear or cringing. • Begin with the amount of effort needed to feel your effort and, with each repetition, start with the least effort you can feel. Work toward “gentle.” • Learn the parts (elements) of multi-part movements, put them together. • When equalizing efforts, hold all parts of the movement, compare them, and adjust by decreasing the greater effort(s) until you can’t tell which effort is strongest.

THE “FEEL” ICON

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THE “EQUALIZE” ICON

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

The Pelvic Power Thrust STARTING POSITION: • leaning back propped up on your elbows • head and upper back resting back on pillows propped up against the wall or headboard of your bed • legs crossed

If necessary for comfort, place cushions under your knees

Equalize the effort used to spread your legs and to tighten your belly.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly lift your head. Feel your belly and front of neck tighten.

2.

Slowly lower your head back onto the pillows. Feel your belly and front of neck relax.

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort, feeling where the tension is, each time.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

Ø

×

1.

By tightening your buttocks, spread your legs so the sides of your thighs press down.

2.

Slowly relax.

Ø

×

Repeat a few times at decreasing levels of effort, feeling where the tension is, each time.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Lift your head and hold.

2.

Spread your legs and hold.

3.

Equalize the amount of tension in your buttocks, belly, and neck.

Ø Ø

Ø

Ø

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

4.

Slowly relax all efforts at the same speed.

Repeat a number of times until you can control the movement so all efforts begin and end at the same time. Then, repeat at decreasing levels of effort. You’ll feel your ability to thrust your pubic area forward increase.

Then, switch leg positions and repeat.

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

NEW STARTING POSITION: • leaning back propped up on your elbows • head resting back on a pillow • legs: knees bent and dropped to the sides, soles of feet touching

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

1.

Slowly press your head backward and hold.

⇒ 2nd level ⇒

your brows.

×

Look up at

2.

Slowly relax.

3.

Slowly lift your chest and hold. Feel at your mid-back.

4.

Slowly relax.

Ø

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Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

5.

Feel the sensation in your lower back.

Ø

Ø

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Slowly press your feet down and hold.

6.

Slowly relax.

7.

Press head backward and hold.

8.

Press feet down and hold.

Deeper Lovemaking

Move slowly enough to notice the first sensation of effort, in an easygoing, feeling way. Never force or cause yourself to cringe. If a movement hurts, use less effort.

×

9.

Lift your chest and hold. Feel the sensation in your upper back.

10. Equalize all efforts.

11. Slowly relax.

Repeat a number of times until you can control the movement so all efforts begin and end at the same time. Then, repeat at decreasing levels of effort. Once you are familiar with the two movements, alternate directions.

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Secret: The Art of Rhythm The act of penetration can be played for maximum feeling. With your newly developed pelvic control, you can regulate the speed of penetration. Where building feeling is concerned, slower is better. Start with pressure at the opening of her vagina and just stay there. Feel and let anticipation grow, then go for more. Cause penetration to about one inch and rest there. Just feel. Wait for the rush of feeling to subside, then go for more, rest and feel. If the man penetrates to about half his length and waits, it gives the woman the feeling impression that “that’s all there is.” What a surprise when he pushes in farther! (slowly ...) At some point, when he is all the way in, the man can withdraw and repenetrate, again, slowly and in stages. Then, he can repenetrate more quickly. The change of speed creates a new experience and new sensations. Finally, he can engage a rhythm of slow and faster penetration at different angles. One Asian sex teaching is called “sets of nine.” In “sets of nine,” the man might penetrate slowly eight times and quickly once; then seven times and quickly, twice; six times and quickly three times, etc. Then, he might artfully alternate numbers of slow and fast penetrations. The idea is to maintain fresh awareness of the sensations by means of changes of pace -- not to create sensations merely by hard force, which is primitive and leads to loss of sensitivity. Bump and grind and swirling movements create variety and keep feeling fresh, as do the full variety of other techniques. This variety gives the woman a chance to discover what she likes best, so the man can go with that for as long as he and she like. Experiment and enjoy.

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