Cupcake Cruelty

CUPCAKE CRUELTY

Written by: Andy Stylez

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MAIN CHARACTER LIST LUCIA:

(22) A young Latina baker. She has an accent that gets stronger when she gets frustrated.

MEREDITH:

(57) An elitist and racist bakery owner who is condescending to her employees.

GABBY:

(20) A happy go lucky girl who is examining her last relationship. She tries to cheer up Lucia and help Rocko. She wears her hair in a sideways pony tail.

ROCKO:

(19) He is an online gamer who has just started to realize that he is socially inept. He speaks with a nasal pitch and has awkward body language, except when talking about his games.

BRODY:

(29) He is a hipster who has found unconventional business success as the operator of a marijuana clinic. He has a weird sense of humor and lots of ambition.

HAL:

(58) Chamber of Commerce president. He is like a used car salesmen but he seems to share a sense of self importance with Meredith. He wears an outdated suit from his salad days.

JACKSON:

(35) A well known food columnist with a flamboyant style. He would probably wear a Nehru jacket, or ascot.

CAT/KITTY:

(?) This is a cat that sits in the first row of the audience that the characters talk to in their monolouges. It appears happy, meows and tilts its head to the side when listening to a monologue.

GOBLINS:

(30s) These creatures wear barbarian armor and carry axes, swords or spears, and they have shifty eyes and dance like perverts reveling in their naughty nature.

INT. CHERCHEZ LA CUPCAKE BAKERY - DAY The bakery is decorated with cupcakes images and a fat french chef with an arrogant smile. There is a table/rack of assorted cupcakes and a small counter with a cash register. A tall and stern looking woman, M eredith (57), is cleaning the counter with a rag when Lucia (22) comes rushing in through the door. LUCIA Oh, M er-e-deeth, sorry I'm late. M EREDITH (to self) Ah, so my spicy little employee decided to come to work today, finally. LUCIA (taking off jacket) Again, so sorry. I had to wait for Rocko. He ees looking for a job today and he needed a ride but mi padre couldn’tM EREDITH -Lucia, what on earth is a rocko, and why should such a thing effect your performance at my gourmet bakery? LUCIA Rocko ees my brother, and eef I had known I had to drive him, IM EREDITH If! If! If! If we were in a M exican pueblo, your tardiness would probably be forgiven after we exchanged goat milk and itchy blankets, but we are in America, where there is no excuse. The next time you may be late, I suggest you give your brother a swift kick to his rear. That ought to expedite his cleansings. M eredith tosses the rag to Lucia and gathers her purse. LUCIA (constraining anger) We don’t heet each other in my family. We are not savagees.

2.

M EREDITH Watch your tone, I can’t have you emotionally batter my customers like a pinata. LUCIA (Forced) Yes madame. M EREDITH I know you probably think I’m brusque, but in France this is how managers and employees talk. I know you have a poverty of wisdom, so I will do my part to give you an education. Now I must get some supplies from my car for a little soirée tonight. I will tell you more when I return. Gabriela is in the back room, baking, so run the counter. Au revoir. LUCIA Yes madame. Lucia’s fake smile dissolves into an eye roll as M eredith walks out the left door. LUCIA (CONT’D) (frustrated) Dios me libre de esta mujer diablo! Lucia shakes her head and GABBY (20) walks in with a tray of cupcakes. GABBY Hey Lucia, here is the latest batch of vanilla creams. I heard the queen twist your nibblets. Are you okay? Because you may feel better after -A UNICORN CHASER! Gabby reaches into a mini fridge and pulls out some strawberry milk and Vodka. LUCIA Oh Gaa-bbee jou are trul-ee de left-ee to my right-ee. Lucia smiles and pulls out 2 shot glasses from under the counter. Gabby mixes the drinks and pours into the glasses.

3.

GABBY (leering) Let me see some horn muchacha! The girls use a pointing-like gesture on their foreheads and slam back their shots, making horse noises. They giggle. LUCIA Ah, that’s better. M er-e-deeth, she drives me craz-ee. I only hold my tongue because I want to manage the new bakery she ees going to open. GABBY Well, I guess you are doing a good job, she says crazy things to you. Why would you want to manage the new bakery when she treats you like that? LUCIA Why? Because I’ve loved coopcakes since I was a leettle girl! What other yobs allow jou to smell choco-lot all day? What other yob lets jou serve pee-ple treats that makes deir faces light up with happee-ness? I could be a great boss, I have so many ideas. GABBY Lucia, she is going to make you do things her way, not yours. I mean, even here we have to use the special mixes that she imports from France, and we have to decorate the place grandma-style with these disturbing, fatty chefs. It’ll be the same way at the new shop. LUCIA Ah, but when she visits M ontreal, I can run the shop my way, I can try new things. Like experiment with the dec-or-ations and I’ll bake lim-eet-ed ed-eetion snacks, serve unicorn chasers, make a website, the works. How can she argue eef it makes money? Lucia starts wiping down the tables while Gabby places her cupcakes in the display case. GABBY (sighs) That could work, but why don’t you just enroll in community college? You could learn all that business stuff and find a guy that can, like, stir your batter.

4.

LUCIA Gabbee, I don’t need my batter stirred as much as you do, and as for school, well, what I need to learn ees right here, by the oven and everything else ees on the in-teer-net. GABBY It’s just, M eredith has been talking about that new bakery forever and by the time you run it, the only guys left to date will be the old, fist pumping Larrys’ and the weirdos with bad teeth.(Fist pumps, tucks upper lip.) You deserve better then a weirdo. LUCIA Look, eef I geet tangled up with some guy, I won’t be able to focus on my dream. I see how hurt jou geet. Don’t you geet frus-tra-teed? GABBY Yeah, but we’re young, we’re supposed to get frustrated. Besides, my new guy Terry is a keeper. He had problems but I put him in the oven of my lovin, and now he is okay. LUCIA Well I’m glad you’re happy, but eef I member, he still hasn’t called jou since jou rolled his dough. Anywayz, I have to focus on this yob, so that M er-e-deeth can let me run the new store. Ah, here she eez, hide the vodka! M eredith comes through the door with a box of fancy candle holders and table covers. The girls hide their drinks. M EREDITH Ah, Gabriela. Be a dear and put these behind the counter, we’ll need them for our debut tonight. GABBY What is happening tonight, M am? M EREDITH Please child, don’t ever call a woman of my virtues “mam.” It makes me feel like a sexless raisin and not the bon vivant that I truly am. GABBY What is a bon va-van?

5.

M EREDITH It means that I am a sensual lady, I only enjoy the finest things in society whilst I dance through life. M eredith steps into the back room. LUCIA Huh, what de hell doez dat mean? GABBY (M ischievous) It means when she is at home, she dances naked with her fancy vacuum cleaner. VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Gabby pretends to straddle and dance with an imaginary vacuum cleaner whilst making a VACUUM NOISE. Lucia chortles while drinking milk. M eredith comes back with a tray of cupcakes and eyes Lucia suspiciously. M EREDITH What on earth are you doing? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. Just don’t pull this tom foolery tonight. As I was saying earlier, we will have an intimate gathering of local business leaders and possibly some food critics. GABBY Why? M EREDITH I have invited them so that my little bakery can get the lavish praise and promotion that it deserves. A debut. LUCIA Oh, we could put dis on the in-ter-net so the foo-deez can stop by and sample our coopcakes! M EREDITH What on earth is a foodie, and why would I want one scampering around my shop?

6.

LUCIA (enthusiastic) A foo-dee ees, like, a person who loves food. They seek out new res-taur-ants, sample the meal and den blug about it, on der weeb sites. M EREDITH They Blurg? Is this one of those computer things you always rant about? The last thing I need is for some sweaty computer nerd to be oinking around in my elegant establishment. Perish the thought, child. LUCIA But in de food world everyone is blugging. M EREDITH You presume to tell me -Do you think the Europeans need such contrivances? No. It’s their craftsmanship, their reputation, their refinement that sells their goods. This is why I import the Renaissance baking spices, from France. This is why Cherchez La Cupcake will find its fame; such things do not come from the these... foodles. Lucia gives a look to Gabby while M eredith puts some objects under the counter. Lucia motions the zip your lip to Gabby. GABBY Well, M eredith, you could always try one time and see what happens. M EREDITH Are you deaf? One time is enough to ruin anything. I don’t mean to be vulgar, but would you eat from a bowl of ice cream if a falcon dropping landed upon your treat, one time? I didn’t think so. If you two don’t know that much, perhaps I should be looking for new hires to run my next bakery. Now, I must be going, but I will return. Girls. M eredith leaves out the left/front door. LUCIA Ave Maria! See I told you. Now she ees thinking about new hires! GABBY Yeah, my bad. But, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep looking for M r. Right.

7.

LUCIA AYE! I’m going to talk to La Gatita. Den I need another unicorn chaser. GABBY Here, give some yum yums to the kitty. Gabby gives some jelly beans to Lucia before Lucia exits out of the right side door and enters the SIDE ALLEY. LUCIA Hey kee-tty kee-tty, I got yum yums. Catch! Lucia tosses a jelly bean into the first row of the audience, where THE KITTY is seated. It eats. KITTY M eow. LUCIA Kee-tty, ¿cómo estás mi amiga? Why ees jour life so eeasy and my life so hard? All I want to do ees make coopcakes. That’s eet. Der ees something... satees-fying about dem. You plaan a recipe, you hunt down de best ingree-de-ents, mix dem together, den let dem bake in de oven unteel you get dat dee-licious aroma dat feelz da room. eet smells like happee-ness. It reminds me of mi childhood in M e-he-co, before mi momma died, before I took care of mi padre and Rocko. Baking relaxes me, because sometimes I geet so mad, so frustrated! Why do I have to take care of everyone? Who takes care of me? ahhh, and when M er-e-deeth starts with me, Dios mio!.. Eet’s the smell of the coopcakes that keeps me calm. If I have to take care of myself, I weel. And if M er-e-deeth ees thinking of new hires, den I will show her my new coopcake recipes tonight, and her tongue will be so overwhelmed with my new flavors that she won’t have anything to say. Sounds like a good plan, huh kitty? KITTY M eow. Lucia tosses a jellybean to The Kitty and waves goodbye as she enters the store. Gabby puts down her mixing bowl and smiles.

8.

Gabby shakes her head as she pulls out the strawberry milk and vodka. As the girls prep their shots, A HIPSTER guy wearing a corduroy blazer walks in and observes the girls making horns. GABBY One, two, THREE!

ROXY One, Two THREE!

The girls clink their shot glasses together and gulp their shots. The hipster chuckles. HIPSTER (AKA BRODY) (Does an ironic fist pump.) That was awesome, do that again. Gabby looks at Lucia as she heads into the back. LUCIA How can I help jou sir? HIPSTER I’ll have what you just had. LUCIA Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t offer dat, but we do have coopcakes. Da best baked goods around. HIPSTER Are you sure, because I think they sell baked good next door, too. LUCIA Next door? I tink that ees just some type of therapy clinic or someteeng. HIPSTER Well you’re right, it is a clinic, but they do sell baked goods, or hu hu hu, goods that will get you baked. Lucia tilts her head in confusion, then her eyes go wide in recognition.

9.

LUCIA Jou mean... It ees a weed clinic? Full of weed! Wait... de sell coopcakes too? BRODY (AKA HIPSTER) Yeah, they sell lots of pot. I would know, it’s my clinic. Hu hu hu, I’m Brody, and yes, we do sell edibles, but brownies, no cupcakes. To be honest, they taste like soggy leaves, but they will soothe your aches and pains, Hu hu huh. So neighbor, what do you recommend? LUCIA (in shock) Uhh, wow. I’m Lucia, how about a vanilla creme? Want some? BRODY I always want some, hu hu hu. oh, hrmm, Do you have anything new or crazy, to take advantage of uh, a heightened sense of flavor? LUCIA Well, we are a pretty traditional bakery so we only do standard flavors. (Off a disappointed look) We are experimenting with new stuff though. I’ve created a new coopcake called the Choco-Loco; it uses M exican spices to start a romantic gang fight of flavor, in jour mouth. BRODY Awww yeah, I want some of that! LUCIA Ah, dat eesn’t available jet. M y boss, she ees hesitant to try new teengs. BRODY (exasperated) Dude, now I want one! That is a tasty idea, you should have little samples, to try your recipes. Then you could totally do, like, a special shelf and see how they do, call them limited edition, charge more and when you rake in the money, show your boss. She can’t argue with profit. LUCIA Oh M y God. dees ees weird. I was yust talking about dees earlier. BRODY Huh, well I’m just a business man, so if you were thinking the same things, maybe you are too, but you know, with boobs and stuff.

10.

Brody peels 40 dollars from his sizeable wad of cash and slides it to Lucia. BRODY (CONT’D) uh, look, there is a grocery store across the street, just get what you need and bake your little cheeks off. I’ll be back later and I’ll try your Choco vato or... whatever. He smiles smugly then stumbles while walking out the door, pretending it was a dance move. LUCIA Later. Lucia twists her lips while staring at the money in her hand. She opens the back room door. LUCIA (CONT’D) Hey Gabbee, can you watch the counter for a mee-nute? I’m going to get some stuff at de grocery store across de street real queek. Oh, and my brother will stop by, he is weareeng an orange tie. GABBY Yeah, no prob. Is he cute? LUCIA Of course, hees my brother. But he ees uh, bigger, and speaks good eenglesh. Lucia heads out the door with her purse while Gabby mixes up a bowl of batter at the front counter. A GRANDPA and his GRAND DAUGHTER come in and look at cupcakes followed by a plump ROCKO (19). Gabby sells some cupcakes and the duo leave. Rocko steps up to the counter. GABBY Welcome to Cherchez La Cupcake, can we put our cakes in your crevice? ROCKO (wide eyed) Uh, what? You -that’s your slogan?

11.

GABBY Of course, is there a problem with your crevice? (beat) Ha ha ha, I’m sorry, It’s kind of slow right now, just messing with ya. You’re Lucia’s brother right? Boulder? No, Brick? Pebbles! ROCKO Ah, ha ha ha, yes. I’m her brother. Rocko. Uh, is my sister around? GABBY She went to get some groceries real quick, you can hang out until she gets back. So... your sis said you were looking for work, how’d it go so far? ROCKO (Walks around the shop) M eh. Right now jobs are more elusive then a sweaty frog beast. At the hardware store they were looking for managers. I was willing to start at that level, but they said I need more experience. I told them that I commanded a Battle Guild on Warmonger online, that I was a level 42 warlock, but they just...laughed at me, ‘said that didn’t count as experience, the fools! GABBY What did you command? A video game Battle Guild? ROCKO (frustrated) Not just a video game, THE biggest video game online! And I was in command of over 200 warriors, helping them get the right armour, swords, magic spells...and I was level forty-frakin-two! With a berserker penguin as my steed, the rarest in the game. How is that not management experience? How can they treat me like such a... noob? GABBY Well, I don’t know about what that means... but it sounds like you are speaking a different language. M aybe that is what you have to learn, how to say all that stuff in ways they can understand? ROCKO M aybe you’re right, but I shouldn’t have to go through this. If they just went online, they would know that I wield a big wand and I know how to use it.

12.

GABBY (flirtatiously) Well if you say so, I mean, if you are that smart in the game you must be just as smart in the real world too. M ost guys in this world decide to quit games and get jobs just so they can take out girls like me, but you probably meet so many girls from that game, you wouldn’t even notice a girl like me. ROCKO Well, I didn’t say that...I would totally notice you. There are girls in the game, but ...I don’t think all of them are really girls. I once found out that an elf sorceress I was courting a was really a 45-year-old man named Levar. He owns a hamster farm. GABBY Oh. I’m sure he was nice. ROCKO Hmm, I never told anyone that. M aybe I should keep looking for a job, tell my sister I’ll be back later. Rocko is half out the door but looks at Gabby like a newly found quest he has to level up to earn. He leaves as Gabby shrugs her shoulders and stirs a bowl of batter until Lucia comes in the door with bags. LUCIA Hey Gabs, thanks for watching the counter. Did my brother stop by for lunch? GABBY Uh, yeah, didn’t you see him? Oh, the bags. He came by and left to search for more jobs. LUCIA (unpacking her stuff) Well, I got some ingredients to tryout a batch of my new recipes. Once M er-e-deeth sees what I can do, she might forget about getting new hires to manhodge de next store. GABBY Sounds good, I’m going to the alley for a break, be right back. Gabby takes off her apron, grabs her purse and heads into the alley. She pulls out a cell phone, dials number.

13.

GABBY (CONT’D) Hey Terry, it’s me, why aren’t you calling me back, it’s been 2 weeks since, you know. Ha ha, I can’t believe you high five’d me afterwards, but I guess it was team work. Any way, you shouldn’t be ignoring my calls, that’s not good teamwork, and if you don’t call back, well then, I’ll have to shut the pantry. Okay, Bye bye. (Shakes head) Did you hear that kitty? It looks like I lost another one. Gabby picks up a sock monkey cat toy, then pokes it. GABBY (CONT’D) Why do they always leave? When I pick’em, they are usually shy, wear terrible clothes, and have bad haircuts. But I fix’em up, I love’em right, but then they find out that I have dated a lot of other guys, and they get quiet. They stop calling. And some other girl gets what I spent ALL THAT TIME fixing up! M aybe I should be like Lucia. Forget boys, and just focus on a career. (Beat) Ewe, that felt really gross. I guess I always gotta have a man, and... I get to go shopping for a new one. Like Rocko! Oh what a disaster, but what a project! Oh, I know what you are thinking kitty but Lucia should be cool. KITTY M eow. GABBY Don’t worry Kitty, I know what I’m doing. I’m on top of it, and if Rocko plays his cards right, I’ll be on top of him! KITTY M eow. Gabby heads back inside, puts on her apron. The girls sell cupcakes to an obese couple wearing tight matching sweat suits. As the couple leaves, Rocko stumbles through the door, looking disheveled. Rocko is swaying as he walks, with a dopey smile on his face. The whole stage gets dark but Rocko has a spot light on him. WARPED VIDEO GAM E M USIC plays. He hears WHISPERS. He looks scared.

14.

Out of the shadows comes Three goblin warriors, they dance around him nastily, thrusting their weapons. ROCKO What do you want! Leave me alone! GOBLIN 1 We’ve come for you Rocko. Why are you looking for work when you could be with usss... GOBLIN 2 On the computerrrrrr. GOBLIN 3 Playing video gamessss. Rocko pulls out his belt and waves it around like a whip to keep the goblins at bay. ROCKO I can’t do that... any more. I have to find work. I need a job. ALL 3 GOBLINS All you need to do is play. Then eat snacks. You are hungry, we can tell. We know. Rocko twirls his belt around his body as the Goblins come forward. He then cowers against a wall. LUCIA (O.S.) (Gradually louder) Rocko. Rocko. ROCKO! The Goblins exit through the audience and M USIC fades as the lights gradually go back on in the store. Gabby is watching in shock as the customers leave. LUCIA (CONT’D) Rocko! Are you okay? What ees going on, you are scareeng me.

15.

ROCKO (Looks around warily) The Goblins... they were after me... tempting meeee... LUCIA Goblins? Rocko, der are no goblins here. What happened to you? Why are you freaking out? ROCKO (Tripping out) Oh, they’re gone... I was... looking for a job. No one was hiring. I was pretty bummed out. So I went into this one place and they had little brownie samples. They sold medicine and snacks or something. I ate a little brownie, It tasted like soggy leaves, but whatever, it was free, so I ate six more. Then I left, looked for some more jobs, but I got... scared. I felt like I would never find a job. Then things got weird. These goblins came, their nasty dances... LUCIA Wait. You ate brownies, next dor? Deed you go eento de marijuana cleenic? ROCKO What? That’s what that place was? Oh no. He said herbs but... LUCIA I can’t believe dees. Rocko, you stay here, I’m going to geeve dat guy a piece of my mind. After I made mi special coopcakes for dat creep. Gabbi, watch mi hermano. GABBY Of course. I’m on top of it. Lucia grabs a cupcake then stomps to the Alley, knocks on the other door. Brody opens up, and smoke escapes. BRODY Hey little mama, Did you bring your tasty little cupcakes? Lucia takes a cupcake and tears it apart.

16.

LUCIA Don’t geeve me dat leettle mama business. You gave my lil’ brother weed brownies, and he was just fighting off Gobleens in the bakery! BRODY Whoa, who is your brother? Wait, was he the big guy? Oh...He saw goblins? M an, I’m going to have to recalibrate my recipe, he should only see tiny machine elves. M y bad. LUCIA No. Don’t geeve me the my bad shrug. Go help heem come down, ‘cuz eef my brother ees hurt, we have a problem. BRODY Okay, okay, HEY DONNIE, Watch the shop for me. DONNIE (O.S.) GOT IT DUDE! Lucia marches him to the bakery. They open the door to find Rocko ravishing all the cupcakes like a stoned Cookie monster. LUCIA WHAT DE FLUFF! ROCKO! ROCKO (while eating) Oh, these cupcakes... The plump Frenchman told me to eat them to... get to the next level... or something. BRODY Dude. Your brother has a massive case of the munchies. Why did you leave him alone with all this grub-age? LUCIA I deedn’t. GABBEEEEEEEEEEE! The back-room door swings open and Gabby comes out while talking on a cell phone. Her eyes go wide upon seeing the mess.

17.

This whole conversation, Rocko lays on the floor groaning and writhing, high, and occasionally he stops to eat a crumb off the floor. GABBY (Exasperated) Terry, I gotta call you back. Lucia. I’m so... That’s the whole batch. We don’t have any more mix until tomorrow! LUCIA How did this happen? I thought you were watching the store? Dios Mios! GABBY I was. Your brother was in the corner playing with his belly button. Terry called so I just got on the phone for a little while... BRODY What a boner. Wrong time and wrong place for the mun-chies. LUCIA Oh, well eet ees not just my boner, a lot of dis ees your fault. You gave him the marijuana. BRODY Whoa, I just had free samples, your bro didn’t have to take any. And I didn’t even know it was your bro! LUCIA Yeah, but eef you didn’t make your crazy brownies, he wouldn’t have to worry about, nasty, dancing gobleens. GABBY Okay guys, it’s everyone’s boner. Instead of pointing fingers, we need to figure out how to fix this. LUCIA (Sighs.) jou’re right. We have dat party soon and eef M er-e-deeth see’s dees, she ees going to freak. This could...I can’t loose my yob. No. We have to clean up, get some new ingree-de-eents, bake our booties off and look after Rocko without him going wild ageen.

18.

BRODY Whoa, he is going to be tripping for hours, good luck with that. LUCIA Not so fast. You owe me so jou gotta help me. Lucia and Gabby cross their arms and stare at Brody as Rocko digs his finger into his belly button and laughs. BRODY (sighs) Okay. Since he ripped up your stash, I can give you some money, and look after the guy for your party. Here is two hundred. LUCIA Thanks. I’m sorry for freaking out. I'm not used to... having boners. GABBY Uh, I’ll bake the hell out of your cupcakes and help clean. LUCIA Okay guys, lets roll up our sleeves and handle dees. Then we’ll get the groceries. We’ll be ready for de party. The crew starts cleaning and Lucia puts Rocko in the Side Alley. The lights go dark in the restaurant. LUCIA (CONT’D) Alright, just stay here while we clean, okay Rocko? Don’t worry, the kee-tty is here to protect jou. ROCKO M mmm, cat. A familiar perhaps? LUCIA Okay, I’ll be back in a mee-nute. Lucia closes the door and Rocko leans against the wall.

19.

Rocko leans his head and the cat in the audience mimics him. He then starts makes other movements and watches the cat mimic all of them. Rocko starts dancing and smiles as the cat does the same. Then the cat stops and the door opens and Lucia finds Rocko dancing, and the cat siting, watching him. LUCIA (CONT’D) Uh, why are jou dancing? Did...de Gobleens come back? ROCKO (out of breath) The cat, he’s got some moves, ha ha ha, you just missed him. He must be like, a level sixty booty shaker... LUCIA Ooookay. Eet’s time for jou to come back inside. Lucia pulls Rocko into the newly clean bakery as Brody comes in the left stage door with grocery bags. BRODY Okay, I got everything on the list. What did I miss? Gabby heads into the back room, Lucia sets her brother down on a chair. LUCIA Well jou just missed Rocko’s smooth moves, but that ees probably for the best. We have all de goods right? BRODY Yeah, some M exican spices, all the stuff you asked for. You’re going to make your specialties, right? LUCIA Yeah. Thanks again for jour help.

20.

BRODY Hey no problem. That’s what I do. I help people. M edicinally. Well, I’m going to have a smoke in the alley. (Off a look) Just a cigarette. Really. Brody pulls out a pack of smokes and goes into the alley. He lights up and notices a large cat bowl, empty. Then he looks out into the audience and nods at the kitty. BRODY (CONT’D) Oh, What’s happening Cat? Cigarette? No? Okay, its really a joint, don’t tell! KITTY M eow. Brody just smokes, and looks into the audience, compliments people on their clothes, or says he knows them. Then he puts out his cigarette and waves to the cat and people. Brody goes back inside and the bakery is now cleaned and decorated for the party. People are milling about and Brody stands beside Rocko. M eredith comes through the door with an older gentleman with a Car salesman look. She is wearing a dress and a tiara. M EREDITH -And this Hal, is my little bakery. As I told you, we have the finest of European deserts, the cupcake. HAL Ah well, this is just as fancy as you said it would be. Ha, look at that fat chef! Oh, seems like you have quite a selection. M EREDITH Oh, we do. Hmm, there seem to be some new additions. How quaint. Why don’t you try some samples while I talk with my help. HAL No problem with that, all of these treats look lip smacking good!

21.

Hal licks his lips while smiling at Gabby. She fake smiles and hands him a muffin. M eredith approaches Lucia. M EREDITH Well, I noticed there are a few cupcakes on that table that I have never seen before. Care to explain? LUCIA Uh, sure. I thought I cood help jou tonight by putting out some new coopcakes I have been createeng at home. Don’t worry, they have been tested, and everyone likes dem. M EREDITH Oh, so everyone likes them. Well I don’t pay you to tell me what everyone likes. I pay you to do as I say. I don’t need your mongrel flavors scaring off important business contacts. Get rid of these abominations and after this party, there will be a reckoning. HAL What is this one? It looks tasty! GABBY That is a Choco-Loco. Try it, it’s like a gang fight of flavor, in your mouth! HAL Oooooohhh! M EREDITH Well now, we have better than that. Here, try a traditional vanilla cream. M eredith snags a cupcake and offers it to Hal. He swats it away and eats the Choco-Loco. Everyone watches him eat. He looks from face to face, then jerks out a thumbs up. HAL THAT really spins my tires! I have never had anything like it. You would think the hot spices wouldn’t work with the chocolate, but it does! Hal smiles and Lucia and Gabby look relieved. M eredith has a fake smile then notices Rocko and Brody. She confronts them.

22.

M EREDITH Excuse me, this is a private party and I don’t think I have made your acquaintance. I am M eredith, the owner. And you are...? BRODY Oh, I am Jay-son Hashman. I write for The Food Times. I heard that you had nice cakes, of the cup variety, so I thought I would check them out. M EREDITH Oh, I don't believe I have heard of your publication but, please feel free to try our gourmet cupcakes. We import our baking spices from Europe, So if you know fine dining, you’ll recognize our quality. But I shant monopolize your time, who is this rotund gentleman with you? ROCKO (zoned out, miming video game playing) I’m almost at the boss! BRODY (swats the hands of Rocko) Ah, don’t mind the outburst, that is just one of his... hipster jokes. This is ah, Leeroy Jenkins. He...is a savant food critic from South America. Very temperamental, but very respected. M EREDITH Oh really? I believe I have heard of him. Has he written for the New Yorker? BRODY (Swats the hands of Rocko again, M eredith enjoys this) No, he is more of a radio personality. But he does his work in Portuguese, so you probably haven't heard it. M EREDITH Oh, well, I suppose he can stay. Be a dear and watch him. I would hate for his little jokes to affront one of the more highly regarded critics. These Latinos seem to be infiltrating high society, but they need to be put in their place sometimes, as it seems you have done with this gentleman. I will do the same this evening when I fire a Latina that has been overstepping her place. Someone must trim these wild branches, uh uh uh.

23.

M eredith walks up to some professional people who have entered the room. Brody pretends to look at cupcakes and sidles up beside Lucia. He picks up cupcakes pretending to observe them while talking to her. BRODY Psst. Hey. LUCIA How can I help you sir? BRODY No, Pretend we’re not talking. LUCIA Okay. What ees it? BRODY Uh, bad news, I just talked to your boss. LUCIA What? Does she know about Rocko? BRODY No, not at all, but she is going to fire you after you clean up tonight. Sorry. Lucia freezes, then turns and looks at Brody. Then she walks out the door into the alley. She leans against the wall looking defeated. LUCIA AYE! (Looks at the kitty) What am I going to do? I can’t... dees wasn’t the plaan. Dees was supposed to work. Now what am I supposed to do? Gabby comes through the door, checking up on Lucia. GABBY Are you okay? M eredith is asking where you are, and she seems pissed off.

24.

LUCIA She ees pee-ssed off. SHE EES PEE-SSED OFF? No, I AM PEE-SSED OFF! She was going to fire me tonight. After all the work I deed, after enduring all of her pinche put downs. GABBY What? Was that what Brody was whispering to you? LUCIA ...And she was going to wait until I cleaned up, to tell me. I know why she deed it too. I got a lee-ttle bit of attention from a customer, and she got yealous. Well if she wants to be the Princess of the party, oh, she will be. Lucia is choking the cat’s sock monkey toy while deep in thought. The alley lights grows dark and the bakery grows bright, showing the party. A fancily dressed man is talking to M eredith. He is JACKSON, famous food critic. JACKSON Hmmm, that cupcake with the fancy colors looks interesting. I’ll try that. M EREDITH Oh Jackson, a food critic of your stature wouldn’t like that, it is a silly concoction from an uppity employee, try a vanilla cream. The ingredients are from Europe. Lucia and Gabby have entered the room and overhear the conversation. JACKSON Eh, this isn’t one of those phony Renaissance mixes, is it? I did a whole expose about how that company exploits American franchise owners by using third rate ingredients. M EREDITH Oh, uh....no. This is my recipe. JACKSON Oh really. (Tasting Lucia’s cupcake) hmm, this really is a revelation. It’s like a pinata full of delicious just burst open, but in my mouth!

25.

M EREDITH Oh, well, I try. Lucia stands defiantly next to Jackson, and M eredith is gesturing for her to go away. LUCIA Glad you like dose. It ees a new recipe I cre-ated-M EREDITH Don’t be silly. Sorry Jackson, the help gets a bit uppity when they stray away from the kitchen. Go child, this conversation is out of your league. JACKSON Oh, don’t be damp dandelion. I love talking to culinary creators. And all of my foodie friends love to read about them in my blog. Lucia and M eredith grin at each other, while M eredith nods slowly and forces a fake smile. M EREDITH Well I would normally allow your conversation, but I recently learned that these two have been pilfering cash from the register. So I think it best to expedite their firing. Go you thieves! GABBY That’s not true! How can you lie? M EREDITH Quit your chicanery! I will call the police. Gather your things and go. Jackson looks surprised but wary, and the girls are in shock. Lucia is angered. She walks toward Rocko. LUCIA (taking off apron) Rocko. I need jour help. The gobleens are coming back. ROCKO No! Where are they? Are they dancing that nasty dance?

26.

LUCIA Uh, Jess. You have to save the princess. Get her out of here before the gobleens take her! ROCKO Where is the princess? LUCIA See that lady, in da fancy dress with the tee-ara? Save her! ROCKO (He pounds his fist against his chest) I accept this quest. Rocko walks up to M eredith and attempts to carry her, she swats his hands away playfully but growing urgent. M EREDITH What on earth are you doing? ROCKO You must come with me princess, before the goblins abduct you! M EREDITH (stern) This bizarre joke is losing its humor. ak! Quit grabbing! With a sharp tug, the dress rips away exposing M eredith in her granny panties. The whole party is quiet for a beat then everyone roars with LAUGHTER and a few point at M eredith. M EREDITH (CONT’D) (Aghast) HOW DARE YOU! M eredith attempts to gather her dress but Rocko still tries to help her. She heads to the door followed by Rocko.

27.

M EREDITH (CONT’D) You filthy wetback! M eredith swings her purse and hits Rocko in the face, then rushes out the left door, embarrassed. Rocko gets dazed falls to the floor. Gabby, Lucia and Brody crowd around him. LUCIA Rocko are jou okay? BRODY I think he needs CPR! GABBY I’m on top of this! Gabby then straddles Rocko, flaps his limp arms 3 times and blows into his mouth. BRODY Um, that’s not CPR. Rocko stirs and coughs, while Gabby stops flapping his arms. ROCKO (looks around, then at Gabby, straddling him) Sweet. I think I just leveled up. The crowd around him relaxes and Gabby dismounts and helps him up. She puts his arm around her to keep him standing. GABBY I think your brother still needs some help. I’ll take him to my place so your dad doesn’t freak out. LUCIA What about Terry?

28.

GABBY Terry has moved on, and it is about time I did too. I need a guy who appreciates me. LUCIA M y bro-ther is a handful, are jou sure jou can handle heem? GABBY Girl, I’m on top of it! ROCKO (Dazed) Is this the final level? GABBY (smirking) Not yet, I’ll take you there later. All right, see you guys! Gabby makes the unicorn gesture, Lucia returns it. LUCIA Later!

BRODY Be gentle with him, bye! As they turn around Jackson walks up to them with a cupcake in his hand.

JACKSON Well I must say, this has been quite the dinner theater! I thought there were no more surprises in the world of food, but I stand corrected. These cupcakes are a revelation. Bravo. Nice choice of location too, being next door to a pot clinic. I usually get stoned before I test food, so this really was like having your cupcake, and eating it too. Oh, I must remember that for my review... Jackson shakes hands then turns and leaves and the shop empties with people. Lucia is alone with Brody. She starts to clean up. BRODY Hey, you don’t have to clean up. You were fired, remember?

29.

LUCIA (dazed) Jou’re right. I was fired. I don’t have to do anything. Whoa. BRODY Are you okay? Do you want to burn one? No? Well if you want to cry I can hold your hair or whatever. LUCIA Why would Jou hold my hair? That’s just... odd. Like dis moment. I thought I would feel sad, but I feel...free. BRODY I gotcha. No boss, no rules. LUCIA Jeah, exactly. For years M er-e-deeth has been dang-leeng this new bakery in front of me, and I have been chas-eeng it so long, like dat was the only way to reach my dreams. But eet’s not. BRODY Some things have to end for other things to begin. Like a small weed plant. It feeds off of water and sunlight and dirt, and what is dirt but the remains of dead stuff. One life ends for another to begin. LUCIA Wow, M r. Philosophy. I like dat. I just need my water and a place in the sun. BRODY Well you do have some marketing ideas, and you have some tasty recipes, so I may be able to help you get a small start. Perhaps a shelf next door, and a table at the M ary Jane Festival next month... LUCIA (Shakes his hand) I think jou have a deel, but I will need a mascot, mind if I breeng da kee-tty? BRODY Sure, but you should name it something.

30.

Lucia goes to the alley door opens it and leaves a trail of yum yums for the cat to follow as she leaves with Brody. LUCIA Oh she has a name. We call her Des-tin-ee. We don’t use it because she never responds to eet. You can’t make her do any-teeng, but jou can tempt her, eef jou know how. Lucia walks out the door and takes Brody’s hand. The cat gets up from the front seat, collects the jelly beans on stage then turns to the audience. It looks at everyone and sweeps open her arms majestically. KITTY M eow. The Kitty bows to the audience. FADE TO BLACK.

THE END

Counter

Cat in the Audience

Register

CHER CHEZ LA CUPCAKE

The Bakery

The Back Room Door

The Alley Door

Side Alley

Pot Clinic Door

CUPCAKE CRUELTY POSSIBLE STAGE VISUALIZATION

Fro Do nt oor