Come Together

COME TOGETHER insights... for women, on men.

By Leslie LaMarr

COME TOGETHER

COME TOGETHER insights… for women, on men. Copyright © 2007 by Leslie LaMarr. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without written permission from the author, Leslie LaMarr. Published by MORE THAN WORDS PUBLISHING Walnut Creek, California www.morethanwordspublishing.com The author can be reached through her website at: www.LeslieLaMarr.com Additional copies of this book may be purchased through the publisher’s website at: www.morethanwordspublishing.com Lyrics from NEVER SAY NEVER reprinted with the permission of: Debora Iyall ©1981 Talk Dirty Music, BMI Quote from THE DEPARTED reprinted with the permission of: Warner Bros. Pictures Additional credits see page 177 Cover photo: Getty Images Cover design by Tracy Tuttle Design Edited by Beverly D. Ball First American Paperback Edition printed, October 2007 Second (new and improved) American Paperback Edition printed, March 2008 Library of Congress Control Number 2007933758 ISBN 978-1-934660-00-3 print version ISBN 978-1-934660-01-0 digital version ISBN13 978-1-934660-02-7 CDRom version ISBN13 978-1-934660- 03-4 audio book Printed in the United States of America

TRACK LISTINGS Chapters Preface

DO YA

page 7

1

OBSESSION

page 9

2

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME

page 11

3

WHAT IS LOVE

page 19

4

TALK TALK

page 21

5

GROOVE IS IN THE HEART

page 23

6

I AM WOMAN

page 29

7

MORE THAN A FEELING

page 33

8

RAPTURE

page 39

9

BACKDOOR MAN

page 71

10

SAFETY DANCE

page 77

11

DESPERATE, BUT NOT SERIOUS

page 91

12

LIVE AND LET DIE

page 99

13

CHERRY BOMB

page 107

14

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

page 109

15

PAINT IT BLACK

page 119

16

YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART

page 123

17

CANDIDATE

page 129

18

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

page 135

19

ON A PLAIN

page 139

20

SATISFACTION

page 151

21

WHY CAN’T I BE YOU?

page 163

22

SURRENDER

page 169

Credit where it’s due…

page 177

Glossary

page 179

NO MORE WORDS

Do Ya Preface They say, when you fall in love, you hear music. I say, that for each time I've fallen in love there’s been something on the radio that seemed to illustrate whatever romantic event was going on in my life at the time. It was music, but I don't think it was the music they were talking about. Who among us hasn’t heard the infamous 80s pop song MY SHARONA? An ode to love from a boy about a girl he can’t get out of his head. And at the end of the song, heavy breathing and moans of sexual release which could make a porn star jealous over his affections. If you’re a woman and you’ve heard that song, somewhere deep inside you yearned to experience the kind of relationship where you created that amount of passion in a man. Enough to write a song about it. I’m about to tell you how.

OBSESSION 1 Be careful what you wish for. Don’t turn the lessons of this book into a cautionary tale that others will impart wisely to hopeful women. In the world of love and seduction, the results can be permanent. Men are historically referred to as dogs, but take a moment to look at a few of them. Dogs, not men. When a dog “clicks” with a prospective owner, they become inherently loyal. Even if the owner is mean, or doesn’t treat him well, the dog won’t leave. He stays regardless of his present experience and will even choose to stay despite the enticement of a better opportunity. In this respect, most men don’t behave like dogs, although they do respond to their animal instincts when they get involved in a relationship. The book, THE RULES, is a nice girl’s starter kit for how to obtain the interest of a man. This book will teach you how to keep him interested so that you can attain the elusive happily ever after part. The following pages will give you some insight on the physical and emotional aspects of your relationships so that you can make the most of your love life. But make no mistake, once your man is attached to you, his intensity for you will border on obsession.

I’m sure there’s some psychological explanation for why certain men become obsessed with particular women and a further explanation for why they relentlessly dog them. At the very least, if you have good sex with a man he will forever think about you as a possible lover – even up to 20 or 30 years later. Don’t bother discussing the logic of this behavior with a man. The average guy isn’t that deep or really that interested in the explanation for what drives his desire; he’s just interested in satisfying it. He’s like anyone who has roamed the great wilderness searching for sustenance, once he finds that which satisfies him, he’s very reluctant to let it go. You are meant to use this book to create a positive and lasting impression on your man. Not to create the need for a restraining order. The first thing you need to know is what drives a man. Everybody in. It’s go time.

I WANT YOU TO WANT ME! 2 Men think visually. Meaning, that their eyes convey to their brains all they want to know or feel they need to know about a woman. It would be delightful to think that after all these millions of years here on Earth men could be solely stimulated by conscience, thought and emotion. There may be some that are already and some that will be as soon as you understand their desires. But most men could care less about what you’re saying to them and care more about the way your lips curve as you say it, or how your head tilts in that seemingly come hither way, or the rise of your breasts as you take a breath between words. Sad, but true, men want to be initially enticed by your looks. You don’t have to be stunning, but you do have to have something – perhaps just a look in your eye – that says, “I’m the one for you and I know it.” When I lived in Los Angeles I had a girlfriend who liked this rising young rock star who was a friend of mine. He was a talented, cerebral man who, when not playing guitar, was also a magician. He was educated in his field, a graduate from Berklee School of Music and he came from a good family. To be truthful, she could have cared less about his pedigree; her hormones had kicked in and she just wanted to be closer to him, but he wouldn’t give her

the time of day. She would cry to me after his shows how much she liked him and how much she wanted him to “like” her. Read: I want him to want to have sex with me. He liked her well enough. She had two of his prerequisites in a girl, she was young and she was enthusiastic. Her problem was that she didn’t wear makeup. Not a stitch, not even lip gloss and he was a guy who liked girls who wore makeup. He gave special attention to the girls who dolled themselves up with all the powdery, glittery, glossy accoutrements available at the cosmetic counter, but she was treated like his tomboyish little sister. She hated this and begged me to tell her what to do. I told her to do the obvious. Wear makeup. I told her he liked girls who wore makeup and she didn’t wear any. I told her about his last girlfriend, an exotic girl who designed her own clothes and wore her makeup in inventive and enchanting ways. My girlfriend balked. She wanted to get a man and even more ideally one that she wanted, but she was a die hard hippy type. No animal testing, no makeup, no selling out for attention. She thought about her options and refused. She wasn’t changing who she was to get a man. As a result, as great as she was as a person, she went without a boyfriend for a lot of years, until she started working at a leading women’s magazine where the editors of the magazine asked her to test new products and she was introduced to the wonderful world of makeup and grooming. Once she converted to looking her best, she was forever a convert. She started wearing a bit of makeup and doing her hair and it wasn’t too long before she had a boyfriend who soon became her husband and now they have three kids. Success!

Men are visually driven. You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to polish up what you’ve got. Dust the wares and then display them if you want to make the sale, you know? This doesn’t mean you have to dress like a hooker on Saturday night, unless that’s your preference, but you do need to wear clothes that are interesting and flattering to your figure. If you don’t have a perfect figure, then take advantage of all those tips that talk shows dish out about using ruching at your waist to disguise a larger tummy or wearing a bra that lifts and separates or don’t wear hip huggers if you have large thighs and an untoned butt, unless you want to attract a man who loves the badonkadonk. Play down your perceived or real faults and play up your assets on the visual front with men.

As

successful as you may be in initially using visual attraction to get your man, the visual attraction has to continue throughout the duration of the relationship or else your man will literally start looking elsewhere. It’s a pain in the ass to realize that your job of seduction is still not done even if you get a ring on your finger. Men don’t stop being visual once they fall in love, they just become more forgiving. So the advent of a few more wrinkles or a slight sag or some gray hairs won’t be a big turnoff to the man who loves you. But, the way you present those changes will. So, once again, don’t relinquish your offensive. Maintain forward progress and keep yourself up with a program which includes a healthy diet, exercise, moisturizer, flawless grooming and always always smell like a flower.

A woman who attracts her man in stiletto heels, a miniskirt, with great perfume, long hair and lipstick is a woman who will lose her man if she resorts to wearing tennis shoes, sweats, Chapstick and either chops off her hair or just wears it pulled into a knot once they become a couple. So don’t use your looks to trick your man into thinking that you’re someone you’re not. If we were to buy the perfect pair of 4” high patent leather heels at the store, we wouldn’t expect after wearing them several times for the heels to suddenly decide they want to become clogs. Likewise, men don’t “buy” the image of a stylish, sexy woman they want to bring into their lives, just to find that after a couple of months or even years, the woman they have selected as a partner has become a fashion slacker instead of the stylish icon they were initially attracted to. In order to avoid culture shock with your man, be who you really are all the time whether you’re around him or not. You don’t have to look like a supermodel, but recognize that the point of grooming our outside is that it reflects how we feel about ourselves inside. The goal is to consistently look as great outside as you really are inside; always being yourself inside and out so that your man knows he’s in love with the real you.

And while your man’s gaze may occasionally stray to look at other beautiful women, remember that we all look at beautiful things (think: Johnny Depp) and that you are beautiful too. Turn the tables on this indiscretion by using it to your advantage in

determining what it is that your man likes to see and then letting him see it and enjoy it, on you.

There is an exception to maintaining a polished facade and only a rare woman can sincerely pull it off. That’s the use of confidence to convey your sexuality. I’m not talking about the confidence you feel when you finish a project at work and everyone pats you on the back and says, “You’ll be the next to get the promotion.” Or the confidence you may feel at paying on your first mortgage while you make yourself that gourmet dinner in your newly remodeled kitchen. I’m talking about sexual confidence, the kind that oozes imperceptibly from every pore of your being when you walk into a room even if you’re sweaty and covered in muck. That kind of confidence cries out to all the men in the room, “I’m dirty, but I could still have sex with you that would blow your mind and then I would prepare us a feast that would revitalize us enough for a second round before I style myself into the Goddess that I am when I’m not covered in muck.” That kind of confidence. Unfortunately not a lot of women exhibit that degree of confidence and the reason for that is your Father. He’s the first man you will ever love. The first man you will ever try out your flirting, manipulative ways on. The first man who will ever tell you he’s “disappointed” in you, forever setting into motion the freight train of self doubt I like to call the

Please Papa Syndrome.

The very first time your Daddy, the one who calls you his “little baby girl” says to you that he’s “disappointed” in you; the first time he gives you that look, you know the one, a furrowed brow, the serious eyes that have lost their sparkle of delight as they’re gazing at you, the slightly frowning or really frowning mouth which is all present because of something you did or said, you immediately become afflicted with the Please Papa Syndrome. Because you’ll never want to see that look on his face or hear those words with regards to you ever ever again, internally you make the decision that from that moment on, you’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy. Whether you’re two or twelve or somewhere in between or a little bit older; as soon as you realize that the constant loving approval of your Father is by no means constant and mimics something that doesn’t seem like love or approval if he doesn’t approve of what you’re doing; the direction of your life changes. You immediately stop living in the self confident manner to which you were born and start living by way of seeking love and approval from men. First and again from your Father and from there on out from every boyfriend you find yourself involved with. NOTE: The Please Papa Syndrome is a position women find themselves in with men as the result of an emotionally unbalanced situation. It’s like the parable of dangling the carrot before the donkey, with your man holding his approval over your head, just out of reach while you keep making every effort imaginable to attain it. No woman should ever end up in that situation. We all make choices which will displease at least one other person on this planet, but that in no

way means that we should change our choices in order to make someone else happy.

This syndrome can be the most debilitating factor in the natural self confidence of a woman. The good news is that it’s not a permanent state of mind. You can correct it yourself. Because the syndrome is a reactive behavior, you can get beyond it by eliminating your need for approval from others and by learning to live proactively as opposed to reactively as you may have been taught early in your formative years. It’s hard work and you may end up living in an Ashram, not wearing makeup or being the only vegetarian at Thanksgiving for awhile in deliberate attempts to establish your own independence. But eventually, your choices will balance out somewhere between radical feminism and a selection of behaviors that could be called approval seeking. However, you will know that when you make the choice to do something like wear makeup, shave your legs, color your hair or work out; you are primarily doing these things to please yourself and not as a reaction to anyone else. If you can find the balance between being yourself and recognizing that to get attention from the backwards world of men you have to do more than existentially “be” yourself, you have to use your confidence to “sell” yourself too, then you will become one of those rare women who can walk into a room with 20+ extra pounds on her, in no makeup and sweats and every

man in the room will silently acknowledge that for some inexplicable reason, “She’s hot.”

Don’t

worry; working it to get attention from your man is not selling out to the Please Papa Syndrome. Knowledge is power. What you learn here or elsewhere that makes your life better is yours and it’s your choice as to whether or not someone else will benefit from your wisdom. Make choices that make you happy first and if someone else gets happy from those choices as well, even better! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I

know, women like the visuals too and we wish our men would primp a little for us. Some men are as visually critical of themselves as they are of us. Being with a man who is critical of himself balances out the responsibility you have to take for your own looks. But if he’s not, the way to get the grooming you desire from your man is to do it for him. I mean it. Do you want him to clean his nails? Then get in there at the sink and show him how. Are his feet too rough? Then moisturize them for him. Does his mustache hair, nose hair, ear hair or body hair need a trim? Then trim it for him. Show him by example what you’d like and he’ll start doing it for himself. Men are simple. They are not ignorant. They need to be taught what is expected of them and then they will learn… and will do whatever you like.

The

thing is, after all of your efforts, you want your man to want you. But he wants to be wanted by you more than he wants to want you. Isn’t that too much?

WHAT IS L oVE? Baby don't hurt me... 3 I was told that the initial version of this book wasn't complete enough about the courtship phase of a relationship. That falling in love is the best part of hooking up with a great guy and that there needed to be greater clarification about what love is to a man. I was told that it's only fair, since I wrote about everything else in here but the kitchen sink. My bad, so here it is. Ok, what is love to a guy? Is it conformity, usefulness, the fulfillment of their emotional and sexual needs? Yes. To some men being in love means that they get what they want, when they want it and as often as they want it - whatever “it” is. And in return they will profess to love you. To others it's the love and loyalty they receive from you. They may not be reliable, loving or faithful to you, but you are with them so you're it; the one for them. To all men it's the experience of adoration. If you get all wide eyed and girlish when they enter a room; if you treat every act they undertake as if no one else on Earth has ever done it better; if you can't do enough for them or get enough of them; in other words, if you adore them, then they will reciprocate your adoration by falling in love with you. Eventually. And as we’ve all heard, when men fall, they fall hard. It sounds great....

But does it last? Or, a better question is, how can you make it last? Men can be fickle. A man may remain married for 20 years, but if a woman comes along who looks at him the way you USED to look at him and in a way that you DON'T look at him any longer, then the possibility stands that he might fall in love with her. Not so much with her, but with the way that she sees him. So to keep his love for yourself, find something to adore in your guy every day and then let him see the adoring reflection of himself in the sparkle of your eyes. Here we are back at the visual needs of men. Not just what they see with their peepers, but with the way they’re seen by yours. I think it is more than aptly expressed by the title of the last chapter, I WANT YOU TO WANT ME. That's what they want. They want you to want them. If you want them, then it makes them feel good. If you make them feel good, then they fall in love with you and you get what you want. It's really that simple.

TALK TALK 4 WE NEED TO TALK. These four words strike fear into the heart of a man and strike down his libido. Ever since the days where his own Mother would sit him down for a conversation about his behavior, those words have boded a problem. Men don’t like problems. So men don’t like to “talk” because if you need to talk, it means there’s a problem. Studies have shown that in an average day, men use fewer words than women. It’s true and there’s a reason for this. Words are not as important to men as they are to women. The reason most women can be lied to and will continue to be lied to by men, is because as long as a man is saying the things to a woman that she wants to hear, truthful or not, a man can get away with saying anything. Men are not as gullible when it comes to words. You would think this would save them, but really it gets them into hot water more often than not with their wives and girlfriends who “want to talk.” So while woman have spent decades “finding their voices,” men have spent the same decades perfecting the art of dismissing words and feigning deafness. Words really mean nothing to them, unless you’re saying the words, “It’s so big!” or “That feels good.” or “I’m so happy.” or the words, “What bald spot?” FYI – those words mean EVERYTHING in the life of a man.

Men respond to action. They understand action and once they see what the action is, it becomes simple for them, they can then choose to participate in the action or not. However, if you insist upon “talking” with your man, keep it short and sweet. Cut to the chase and make your point in the first two sentences because most men will go into their “other” place if you keep talking without getting to the point. In my opinion, the best way to get through to your man is to keep the choice you want him to make simple and then exemplify it to him. Don’t waste two hours discussing your sex life and how you want to change things a bit. Just change things a bit. Trust me, he will respond to the change in one of two ways. He will go along with it or he will talk to you about it. So either way, you get your way. You either get his cooperation in making the change or you get the conversation you desire to have about the change. The biggest mistake a woman can make is to “have a discussion” with her man. So, if you have something to say to your man, say it in as few words as possible or better yet, just do it if there’s an action involved. To keep things straight, bear in mind that people aren’t what they say they are; they are what they do. But, if you're going to talk, remember to LISTEN. Listening is more important than talking. So when you talk, listen too. Don't just shamelessly promote your own agenda. After all, you're in this together. Ironically, after all that, here’s where talking benefits you in a relationship.

GROOVE

IS IN THE HEART 5

At the beginning of a relationship, talking is your friend. It’s the best tool you have to get what you want. The irony is that after you get sexually involved in a relationship, talk becomes cheap. Decide now, do you want your man to desire you emotionally as well as physically? Because obtaining the physical desire of a man is easy. All you have to do is look good, hold your tongue and reach between his legs to get his attention. If you want emotional desire from him as well, it takes a bit more effort and a lot more restraint. When and if a man wants a woman what he’s really expressing is that he wants sex with that woman. When a woman wants a man, what she’s really expressing is that she wants a relationship with that man. There is a way that all parties involved can get what they want… eventually. Here’s how.

HOLD OUT ON SEX. I don’t mean make the hold out an obvious punishment, talk to him as much as he wants. Hang out with him. In person. Because in order for him to respect you before, during and after you do have sex, he needs to feel like he has made an investment of physical effort into the relationship so that his feelings

will have value. This is why no matter how much time you may put into a long distance relationship, you might still feel distant and unsure when you physically come together. In order to grow closer, there needs to be physical closeness without sexual intimacy. So hang out together and talk instead of having sex, no matter how badly you may want it, or he may pursue it. Know this: The emotional groundwork that is laid prior to sexual intimacy will hold up after sexual intimacy. If the emotional groundwork isn’t laid BEFORE the two of you have sex together, it will never exist at all. You can deceive yourself into thinking that once you get the sex out of the way, openness, inclusion and honesty will somehow evolve between the two of you. They won’t. The truth is that the only way to attain the emotional qualities you desire in a relationship is to attain them using your mental agility before you have sex with him. You need to use your emotional desires as bartering chips against his persistent barter for sex with you. Once you receive the chip for honesty and the chip for inclusion and the chip for sharing and the chip for openness, then you can give him the only chip he really thinks he wants – the one for sex. Certainly, in the long run of the relationship he will benefit from the inclusion of the other factors that were important to you, but in the heat of passion, during the adventure of pursuit, he could care less about anything regarding his future but having sex with you. Here’s the scene. You meet a guy. You’re attracted to him and you can tell by the way he’s watching you, sitting close, asking for your number, that he’s

attracted to you too. But already, as the woman that you are, you want more. Your brain is jumping ahead, past the first date, past the months of hanging out, straight to meeting his parents and whether or not they will like you, because women want relationships. If you were to vocalize all of this to this new man, he would run. So you have to work him like a big fish in the deep blue sea. Play him out for awhile, then reel him in. Talk to him. Listen to him. Talk about anything with him. Now is the time you can be as open and opinionated as you would like. He will listen. If he’s attracted to you, he will respond. He will make witty banter and have insightful comments. His responses will probably make you laugh and think about how great he is; you will be deceived into thinking he is permanently cerebral. Know this: what he’s really thinking is that if I talk to her long enough, she will sleep with me. What’s really happening is that by talking to him you are becoming ingrained into his emotional thoughts, whether he wants that to happen or not. He will listen for hours, months, you will probably be able to talk for just as long since you are a woman and use thousands more words a day in conversation than men. You will think that you both think the same way and for now, you do. The tricky truth is that you are using his own desire against his emotional self. While he sees the conversation as a means to a sexual end, what’s really taking place is that his brain is becoming accustomed to you. The more accustomed his brain becomes to you, the greater the chance that he will fall

in love with you and stay with you. To understand this, you have to understand the differences in emotional composition between men and women. The simple explanation is this. If a woman has sex with a man, the chemicals inside of her immediately acclimate to that man and her brain feels the emotions of attachment. The more sex she has with the same man, the stronger her attachment. Men grow attached via emotional investment. Sex for a man is not the same key to an emotional investment, as it is to a woman. Sex to a man is a physical act separated from his emotional investment. So a man can have as much sex as he wants with the same woman and will still never fall in love with her. However, if you make a man invest emotionally by talking with you about his feelings for a long time BEFORE you have sex with him, his brain becomes attached to you. Then, when you do have sex with him, it completes the level of attachment his brain has begun to have, rather than merely being a physical act he can ignore. Basically, it’s called mating and mating exists on two levels for everyone. Emotional and physical. For women, the levels are interchangeable and women are able to navigate easily between the two levels throughout the term of the relationship. For men, the window of opportunity to experience the emotional level comes right at the beginning of the relationship and once the physical level is breached, the emotional level window closes – permanently. This is why it’s important to lock your man in mentally before you get physical, because if your man is not already emotionally attached to you by the time you have sex with him, he will not feel the need to become more

emotionally attached to you as he has already achieved his primeval goal to mate with you. So if you want a man to grow attached to you emotionally, then talk talk talk with him before you have sex with him. It will be hard. When men want sex, they pull out all the stops. They become charming and seductive, working against the restraints you are trying to put in place so that an emotional attachment can take place in your favor. This push and pull scenario is why so many one night stands may temporarily evolve into a relationship, but then rapidly devolve at some point into a breakup. Once your man realizes that his brain is no longer needed to make the deal from an emotional involvement into a physically intimate relationship with you, he’s emotionally out. So whatever you’ve established before his brain checks out is the outcome you are left with.

Remember this as well while you’re talking; that out of all of the topics you can talk over with your man, talking about sex will make him think that you are already planning on having sex with him. When a woman discusses sex with a man, the man thinks it's because the woman wants to let him know that she wants sex with him. Remember also that no conversation about your past sex life with another man is ever a good conversation and despite how your guy responds, it will offend him to hear that you ever had great sex with someone else. Ever. No really, ever. Sometimes guys ask about your past sex life. If your guy asks you about your past sex life, DON'T fall into the trap of responding honestly. Make up a lie or say, "You are the best guy I know." Talking about your past sex life WILL kill your future sex life. It may not

happen right away, but it will happen. So bite your tongue if you’re asked. I know you'll be glad you did. SO, TO REVIEW... Little or no talking before you have sex = little or no emotional connection to the man. Lots and lots of talking before you have sex = a stronger, more lasting relationship and connection.

And

while you're talking with your guy, talk about yourself as well. Be fair by letting him know that hanging out as friends means that he’s getting to know one side of you, but if you start dating, he will experience another side of you and that when you get intimate, the dynamics between the two of you will change again. Don’t passively hope that he will know how to respond to your needs, tell him what it is that you expect from him so that he has a fighting chance to make it happen. For example, if you like to receive flowers after you have sex for the first time, a gesture that makes you feel appreciated and respected, then let him know this long before you end up in bed together. Give him the chance to do the right thing for you so that you will give yourself the chance to be happy. We presume that men know what we need, but frequently, they don’t know and a lot of great guys get dismissed because of their relationship ignorance. Don't sabotage your happiness together. A good guy will welcome some clues about what you need to be happy. Clue him in so that neither one of you will be left feeling defeated and disappointed. Love requires care to ensure a great outcome. You can't be careless with the one you love and you can't leave positive experiences up to chance. Make any effort you can in support of your relationship so that you can both enjoy a happy ending.

I AM WOMAN 6 One word says it all……S

u p e r W o m a n.

Why yes, that’s exactly what men expect. They expect you to hold down your own job, have your own money, pay your own way and then dress and behave in a way that stimulates their desire to have sex with you. And, if you’re a wife, YES, they also expect you to take care of the house, fix nutritious meals, have babies, take care of the babies, pay the bills AND be as seductive as you possibly can with your looks and demeanor. Ironically, the very stance you will take after reading that above paragraph, an emotional stand of indignant defense on behalf of women’s liberation and rights, is the very attitude which put us all into this unfortunate spot to begin with. They say that feminists make the best lovers, but if we had stayed the delicate little flowers we were groomed to be in the 50s, we would not have to pay our own way, develop careers, take care of the house and kids AND be sexually beguiling to our men today. If contemporary women had just stayed retrofitted to men, then our men would be responsible for a majority of our needs and we could take all the time in the world to style ourselves and be seductive. Because as most women know, whether your look is natural or vamp it takes A LOT of time and effort to look amazing.

Even today’s feminists know that it takes just as much time to look hot as to change the world and that it’s equally important to do both, simultaneously. Look at Oprah, philosophical icon that she is, she still has her hair and makeup done daily. Not to mention the stylist who dresses her to accentuate the success of her diet and exercise regime. Sure, she’s beyond smart, but do you like the way she looks? So do a lot of people. Millions of people pay attention to what she says daily and she makes billions convincing people to listen to her; utilizing her good looks in her process. Unfortunately, along with being capable, the window dressing isn’t enough. Remember the opening of this chapter? You have to be a Superwoman. So let’s continue with the super needs you’ll need to meet in order to make your man happy. This is where the show moves to the bedroom. You can put it all on to get his attention, but you have to keep his attention from the foyer into the bedroom in order to prove that you have what it takes to make the play. Men expect you to be like a great poker game. The visual stimulation is your hand and how you play it is the seduction aspect, but don’t ever bluff. Because just like a man hates to lose to a bluff hand in a real poker game, so does he hate to be bluffed all the way into the bedroom only to find that you are holding a pair of twos. To be a real Superwoman, you have to keep the game going, no matter how tired you are, no matter how rough your day was at work or with the kids, all the

way into passionate sex in the bedroom. And the game’s not over until your man has had an orgasm and is happily sleeping. Know now: unless you undertake the actions necessary to achieve your own orgasm, the focus will be on his orgasm and you will be left over stimulated and under satisfied. So, incorporate the action not words theory from Chapter 4 and the sexual/self lessons in Chapters 19 and 20 in order to generate the outcome of satisfaction you deserve in the bedroom as well. Sounds like a challenge that could suck, right? It may, but choose. Are you a woman who wants a man or a woman who wants a cat? Cats seem to be much easier. They could care less how you look or what you wear or if you please them sexually. Just give them some food and a place to sleep and they’re happy. But don’t forget to clean the cat litter or you’ll find unpleasant little surprises just outside of the box to remind you to do things differently the next time. Actually men may be more like cats than we would like to think. But that’s a different book.

MORE THAN A FEELING 7 Because most women need more than a suggestion to get in the mood, we presume that we should be touched more often and in more places than our men. It’s too easy to think, “Really, he’s got one bull’s eye which calls the shots to begin with, so that’s the only area that requires any attention on him.” Right and wrong. His bull’s eye is important, but men also love to be touched. All over. So touch him. Scratch his back lightly or better yet scratch his chest or the inside of his forearms. Trust me when I say the forearm scratching is a big hit. Men like a soft scratching touch on most areas of their body including their heads. Lightly scratch their scalp and stroke their hair at the same time. They love that. Their heads and forearms seem to have this hidden wealth of nerve endings that pleasure them when they’re lightly scratched. Massage is another great way to touch a man. It’s an excellent transition between his stressful day and a night of passion. Most guys like for you to use a little massage oil to keep your hands from getting stuck as you rub their skin. Don’t use too much oil and do use oil that you both like. There are a lot of scented massage oils on the market, or flavored oils and oils that have a warming effect. Experiment to find the ones that both of you will like. Or if you need an affordable alternative, there are a few lavender or vanilla scented baby oils sold in grocery stores that you can use.

To give a great massage, lay your man down on his stomach and start the massage on his back, keeping in mind that any massage you give should be as seductive and relaxing as possible. In order to reach all of the areas on his back and neck you should straddle him from behind; preferably in a slip, mini dress or naked; with sexy panties on or no panties at all. Bear in mind that touch is everything in intimacy and the first thing on us that touches another is our skin. Keep your skin soft so that touching you and being touched by you will always be preferable to touching anything else. Start your massage in the center of his back, between his shoulder blades. Using the palms or heels of your hands, not your fingers, press down equally on either side of his spine and then rub up and outward, towards his armpits. Do this gently, but firmly and repeatedly all the way up to his neck and then back down again to his waist/hips. If you’re doing it right, your hands should look like the wings of a bird as you press and rub outwardly. Continue the same circular rubbing, focusing on the high center of his back to relieve the tension in his muscles that lead to his shoulders. Once you’ve finished massaging the high center of his back, cup your hands around his shoulders; using your fingers grouped together now, press and rub down and outwardly on the tops of his shoulders all the way up to his neck. You should be making small circular motions as you rub. When you reach his neck, gently press on either side of it with your fingertips, creating a wave motion with your fingers as you press. Press first with your pointer finger, then press your middle finger, then your ring finger, then your pinky. Make the transition from finger to finger seamless and fluid in its pressure on his neck. Then group all of your

fingers together to rub his neck in small circular motions. Now you want to move your hands underneath his shoulders at the front. This is how you will apply circular massaging pressure to his pectoral areas. That’s the boobs area for you girls who dropped out of Phys Ed. Massage the muscles that lead from his shoulders to his armpits and then down around his nipple area. Remember that it’s best if everywhere you massage you apply gentle yet firm and equal pressure on both sides at the same time. As you move up his back in order to get to his pects, let him feel the heat from your crotch on his back. Bend down into him slightly so he can feel your breath on him as you rub him and so he can feel your hair loose, tickling his neck. After his pects, massage his upper arms. As with his shoulders, it would be great if you could massage both arms at the same time, but it is easier and more effective if you use both hands on each arm individually, working all the way down his arm to his wrists and hands, massaging his palms and gently rubbing out each of his fingers to the tip. For the final rub on his back, start again at the top center of his back and do the circular rubbing down either side of his spine all the way to his hips.

DO NOT

RUB DIRECTLY ON HIS SPINE That does not feel good. Go back up to the top at his neck and using the palms/heels of your hands push down on either side of his spine. While still applying

pressure from your hands, run the heels of your hands all the way down his back on either side of his spine to the small of his back. This should be one continuous motion – no circular rubbing. The point of this action is that the back accumulates fluid on either side of the spine throughout the day in response to tensions. Pushing the fluid from the base of the neck down to the small of the back relieves the pressure of the fluid and ultimately the tension in his back. Once you reach the small of his back push harder and more firmly down on the base of his back and rub outward over his hip bones. Do this one or two more times just to finalize the back massage. Once you’ve massaged his back turn him over. Ask him to close his eyes and start your massage at his feet. You don’t need to oil his feet in order to massage them and because you will need one hand to hold the foot up and one to massage it, you can only massage one foot at a time. Using your thumbs, press firmly, but still gently, on his foot; starting just under the ball, right above the middle of his foot. The motion is still the same, firm and circular, moving from the middle of his foot up to the base of his toes. Massage the arch of his foot and then the top of his foot down to his toes. Once you’ve massaged his foot, then gently rub and pull slightly on his toes. Rub one toe at a time. Take your time on his feet. Relaxing his feet in an effective manner will completely relax him. After you’ve done his feet, start up his legs, paying special attention to his Achilles tendons and Calves, massage from his lower leg up onto his thighs. You can lift his leg slightly to reach the backs of his thighs or some people like to do the feet and the backs of the thighs before turning him over onto his back to massage his front.

You can make your own choices about what areas you want to do, in what order and how much of a massage you want to give him. As you reach the tops of his thighs, he may start to become sexually excited. Go with this. It’s a natural response for quite a few men. If he does become aroused, it becomes your choice whether or not to let sexuality take over for the massage scenario and become the new course for the evening, i.e. the “happy finish.”

Touch can mean a lot of different things.

For example, you can stroke him with your hair from his chest to his stomach. That’s one way to touch him. Or if you’re sitting next to him, holding his hand, you can bring his hand up to your mouth and let your tongue trace his lifeline from his palm all the way up to one of his fingers which you should then treat as if it is a mini version of his cock. Tease each of his fingers with your tongue until you slip one of them into your mouth and suck on it very seductively for awhile. That’s touch. Using your tongue to touch his skin just about anywhere is seductive. Or touch can be giving him a full pedicure culminating in painting his toenails while you invite him to more intimate activities with your eyes. Wearing lingerie while giving him a pedicure is a nice touch. Once you’ve finished giving him the pedicure, surprise him by bringing your mouth down to his toes and then sliding his big toe into your mouth. Treat each of his toes as if they are tiny versions of his cock and use your mouth to play with them. This kind of touch makes things hot enough for more play action to happen between the two of you.

While

there are a number of predetermined erotic zones on the body, the fact is that anywhere skin exists there is the possibility of an erotic zone waiting to be discovered. The eroticism is determined by how you approach the spot and what you do to it. I knew a guy one time who liked to use his thigh as an erogenous zone in connecting with my distinctly feminine erogenous zone. That was hot. The point of this is that the only limits to erogenous zones are the limits of your mind and imagination. While the obvious highlights of two sexual bodies are breasts, vagina and penis, the truth is that wherever there is skin, there is feeling and there is also the possibility of an erogenous zone. If you think you can connect with your man by using your nose to stimulate him and you try it and it works, then you have a new erogenous zone in your world. Or, think about kissing and gently licking someone’s eyelids. It’s off the beaten path, but I know a girl who loves to give and to receive that. Most people’s ears or the backs of their necks are sensitive to erotic stimulation, but so are some people’s nipples (men and women), thighs, knees, elbows, stomachs and feet. It’s all up to you to determine what area you want to approach to touch and how you want to touch it. All I know is that the possibilities are infinite. So try something. And if it doesn’t work out, then try something else. I guarantee that for as many places on your man’s body that he may already want to have touched there are at least an equal number of new places you can touch that will put him through the roof in a good way. It’s a win win situation, so reach out and touch him.

RAPTURE 8 When I told this guy I know that I was writing an R Rated chapter in a self help book for women on what they can do to please men sexually, he quipped, "Tell them to show up." It's an old joke, but mostly true. So you want to be unforgettable? Well, in order to be unforgettable you will need to do that one thing for your guy that he has always wanted to do sexually, but has never done. Or maybe he did do it, one time, way back when he was 19 and he has always wanted to do it again, but no girl he's been with since has been willing to do it with him. The sexual act doesn't need to be perverted. It can be something as simple as having phone sex or as risky as having sex in a park together while you're on a picnic. But there's always something. There's always one thing that every man has been curious about experiencing. Some sexual act that has been in his dreams that he hasn't been able to turn into a reality. Something that only a special woman would do with him. And if you do this one thing with him and you do it well, he will remember you as special for an eternity. Okay, here are some suggestions on what you can do to be unforgettable once you’ve shown up. First of all you have to recognize that the most active portion of a man’s brain once you’ve started having sex together is the area that is stimulated by sex, for sex

and towards sex. So your approach has to be sexual in order to create a positive result and a lasting memory. I hope that by now you have had enough conversation with your man so that you know some, if not most of what his sexual history has been. What types of sexual positions he’s tried, what he likes, what he doesn’t like and what his proclivities are. Is he into porn, is he more comfortable in the bedroom or does he like sex in a variety of places? Is he open minded about experimentation; is he a condom guy; does he prefer giving or receiving oral; how does he feel about body hair; has he ever tried toys; is he a voyeur? The list of inquiries is as infinite as the possible sexual suggestions, but I’ll try to steer you in a couple of promising directions. The goal you want to achieve is the creation of a private sexual world between the two of you. A physical and emotional location where you can both try anything you want to try, together. If your man has tried any of these methods prior to being involved with you, then you may need to research other potential activities and without question, USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Absolutely nothing sexual is off limits as long as it is undertaken with a strong measure of self respect, respect for your partner and consideration for your bodies. That means don’t attempt to use restraints with a man who abhors any sort of dominance. Or if your man is very private and is definitively not an exhibitionist, then do not seduce him in public areas or you may risk permanently alienating him.

Here’s the main point you will want to remember:

You want to be the first, but if you can’t be the first, you want to be the best. You probably won’t be the first person he’s ever had sex with. Especially since as men and women grow older, the number of partners they have been with increases proportionately to the number of relationships they have been in. So being the first there won’t happen unless you’re sixteen and reading this book, in which case you should not be reading this book, as it’s R Rated. But you can easily be the best with a little practice and some necessary communication with your man about what he likes and how he likes it. There are also a number of other activities you can be the first at, which will delight and pleasure him. Your approach to being the first or the best is as important as the selection of activity you choose. A word of caution: despite the fact that the sexual revolution occurred some 30 odd years ago, the attitudes of men towards women with regard to sexual equality have progressed very little unless a woman is paying her own way. While most men realize they aren’t your first, no man who loves you wants to think about the sex you’ve had with other men. So temper your abilities with tactful disclosure or else your man will think more about who you were with and what you did with that guy, than what you’re doing to him right now.

First of all know this: Great sex is more than a polished technique, it’s a vibe thing. So you will want to get into his head, to get on his vibe. Think about where he is in his day, in his week, in his life, in his choice of other activities. Is he quiet or shy or is he an adrenaline junky? Is he happy in his life right now or suffering from some loss? What are his personal choices like with regards to his house or wardrobe? Are they progressive, modern and cutting edge or are they old school vintage? What is his background? Is it spiritual or free thinking? What were his choices in other women? Think about what he has ever mentioned that he liked or disliked about other women. What were the reasons he broke up with his last girlfriends? If all of this sounds like a lot to pay attention to, it is. But thinking about all of this is the only way you can specifically gear your sexual approach to the man you’re trying to please. For example, I’ll go down the list and suggest a couple of sexual options for various aspects of a man’s personality.

A

quiet, shy guy will probably respond best to an incredibly intimate candlelight setting. The seduction would need to be tender; be ready to kiss him for awhile in the living room, but move to the bedroom for anything more. I wouldn’t suggest pulling out all the stops by using all your skills at once, but a seductive and dedicated blow job would be something that would probably blow his mind.

By dedicated I mean, plan on doing it nice and slow at first, then use your hand to stroke him while you suck him. Bring the speed up gradually and don’t stop sucking on him until he cums. No matter how long that takes. It may take awhile before he understands what your plan is. Don’t tell him you’re going to do it until he cums. Just keep doing it even if he tries to pull you up to kiss you or if he tells you he wants to do something for you now. Shy men can be quite courteous in the bedroom, feeling the compulsion to reciprocate, especially during oral sex. Even if he begs, just smile and move quietly and decisively back down between his legs and keep giving him head until he cums.

Remember they call it sucking because there should be sucking. Men like a vacuum sensation on their cock and say they prefer women to suck harder rather than to delicately lick and lightly suck. After you’ve sucked for awhile, try swirling your tongue around the head of his cock to spice things up a bit. Suck harder as you get more into it, but not hard enough to leave a hickey. Bear in mind though, that no matter what your technique is, no guy is going to reject a girl who wants to give him head.

Not

every woman likes a man to cum in her mouth, even if she loves him, but if you want to be unforgettable to your man, let him cum in your mouth and then swallow it slowly, like you really enjoyed that moment with him. DON’T SPIT IT OUT in front of him and DON’T run to the bathroom right after he cums to spit it out or to wash out your mouth. If you honestly

can’t let him cum in your mouth, then right before he cums, lubricate him with your mouth and then use your hand to jerk him off while you move his cock down to the nape of your neck. Or better yet, slide his cock down between your breasts, stroking him up against and between your breasts and then let him cum there. He will probably be watching at this point, so for him to watch himself cum between your breasts or on the nape of your throat is also a turn on if he can’t cum in your mouth. For you, while you’re sucking him, finger yourself or massage your clit. It excites a man to think that having his cock in your mouth turns you on so much that you can’t restrain from self pleasuring. The added bonus is that when you stimulate yourself while he’s in your mouth, the low hum you make because you’re aroused adds to his arousal and both of you can have orgasms.

If you do this somewhat frequently and it starts to feel old, then mix it up by introducing food items to the act. Honey, ice or a mouthful of champagne while you’re giving him a blow job makes things more interesting. Or suck on an Altoids before you begin; the icy breath freshener creates a little chill action which is an exciting contrast to your warm, moist mouth.

For those of you who are even more adventurous, try this: right before your guy is ready to cum (you will know from experience or he should tell you), moisten your index finger with your saliva or with lubricant and after you lightly stimulate his anus; slide your finger up into his asshole until you can feel the rigid muscle of his prostate. When you reach his prostate, apply

gentle yet continuous pressure on it while you’re still sucking on his cock. This move will send him over the top! But watch the direction of your fingernails inside of him, because unless your man has expressed that he likes pain, it could get risky. In fact, if you do finger your man in his ass, remember to keep your nails short, keep the edges filed and be gentle. Slow and easy feels better and is better than too fast or pushy. Think erotic seduction as you do this and you will experience delightful results.

The adrenaline junky is already a daring personality, so you’re going to want to mix it up a little for him. Find out if he’s had public sex. If not, then seduce him in a parking lot somewhere. Preferably not somewhere where it’s illegal, but someplace like the parking lot at the foot of his favorite hiking trail. A place he already associates with good vibes. Or seduce him while you’re on a road trip.

While he’s driving, slide your hand between his legs and stroke him until he gets hard and then suggest that the two of you pull over somewhere at an exit so he can have sex with you. After he pulls over, don’t waste time discussing how to fold the seats down. Instead, lean into his lap and give him head while you suggest that he come around to your side of the car. Then get out of your seat, pull up your dress or pull down your jeans to your knees and bend over inside the car so that your upper body is face down on your seat. This way he can enter you from behind while he’s standing just inside your open car door. Don’t pull down your underwear. Let him decide whether to pull them to the side or to pull them down. Keep having sex with him until he

cums; no matter how many cars drive by. For yourself, I suggest moving your hand between your legs and stroking your clit and his cock at the same time. Wrap your fingers around the base of his cock and let your thumb rub your clit as he slides in and out of you, then both of you will cum. Preferably together.

Is

he happy or in a state of loss? Let’s cover happy first. If he’s happy, make the sex fun and spontaneous. Very spontaneous. Like while you’re watching TV or cooking dinner or better yet, take him to the movies; you pay and then play with him in the theater (discreetly of course) or let him play with you. Then when you leave the theater make out with him in the car and have sex in the back seat. This will remind him of when he was young and free and could do as he pleased with the girl next door. His happy mood will only get better after a date night with you.

For

a guy in a state of loss, he needs nurturing to accompany his sex. So I wouldn’t advise trying anything new or too wild with him. Bundle him up in a blanket and curl up next to him. Wait for him to get comfortable and then kiss him. Only kiss him. If he responds, keep kissing him and do nothing more. Don’t stroke him. Don’t place his hands on your body anywhere. Just keep giving him your mouth; your kiss, long deep, soul connecting kisses, with no pressure to do anything else. This may go on for an hour or more and that’s perfect. It’s what he needs. If something more is supposed to happen, let him make the move to do it. If he tries to make a move and it feels to you like he’s doing it because it’s expected, then slowly and gently kiss his hand and continue to hold his hand in

your hand, but return to kissing his mouth. Kissing may be all he can handle, but usually at some point his cock will dictate another activity. Wait until he seems so hungry for sex with you that he’s almost tearing into your clothes to get to your body. Then let him pound out all of those feelings he’s having into you.

Sex is a cure for emotional distance.

It’s a fake it ‘til you make it while you make it situation. In a slow seduction, you will give your man back the control he’s felt like he’s lost because of his loss and he will associate that redemption with comfort and stimulation from you.

Is he progressive, cutting edge or old school/vintage? If he’s progressive, then he probably likes the idea of toys. He may never have bought them or used them with anyone, but he’s not opposed to them. You should take a man like this shopping at your local adult store. Look at everything in order to open up your perspective on what’s available. Then discuss what you may be interested in trying out together. It may be as basic as flavored condoms or a warming lubricant or something more involved like a vibrator, Benoit balls or a pearl g-string. Be open and encouraging. Buy something and then take it home to try it out together.

For a guy who’s on the cutting edge of things, invest in webcams for both of you. Start the foreplay for your evening online as you’re getting dressed, instructing him on how to log into your computer so that he can watch you. If he has a webcam as well, he can also turn on his cam so you can watch how he responds.

Setting up webcams is fairly easy since most come with a software program that allows you to connect from a remote computer location to the computer/camera receiving the images. If the camera you purchase doesn’t come with this program, you can purchase the program separately online. Using the keywords surveillance camera or webcam search for software and cameras that are compatible with each other. The information your guy will need to connect from his computer to yours is your IP (Internet Protocol) address. You can email your IP access data to him once you learn what it is. After installing the software on his computer, he will be able to access your computer and see you. It is advised that you check your IP address frequently before using your camera. Most internet service providers change your IP address after a period of days or weeks to accommodate their businesses. You can determine your own IP address by going to: www.whatismyipaddress.com. If you use cameras to titillate your man, his sex drive will be on high by the time you meet up for your date and you may make it through dinner or a movie without a few deep kisses or furtive gropes, but I doubt it.

For someone who’s interested in old school décor, go to a vintage clothing store and buy some 50s or 60s era lingerie to wear in the bedroom or just around the house. Blanche Dubois had the right idea when she ran around in a silk slip and not much more. Silk feels good against a man’s skin and if you leave it on while he has his way with you, you’ll be as memorable as Blanche was.

Knowing his background gives you a big key to who he was raised to be. Since most men are inherently rebellious against their upbringing, working against the grain on this one would be in your favor. For example, if he was raised strictly and morally, then he expects the woman in his life to be a good girl. To be memorable, be a naughty girl. Flirt, wear sexy lingerie under your clothes and very discreetly, let him see that your bra is black lace or that your panties are g-string. Don’t be a tramp, be seductive and when you get into the bedroom, convince him to open up to you about what his fantasies are; then if it’s at all possible, enact those fantasies with him. Assure him that no one will know what you do together except for the two of you. Men raised to be strictly moral enjoy having secrets in the bedroom. They have such an outwardly moral stance to maintain that the only place they can really cut loose and be risqué is in the bedroom. Use this information to your advantage. Discuss his secret thoughts with him and then act on those thoughts and you’ll become a permanent and pleasurable fixture in his mind.

Conversely, if your man was raised in an open minded environment, or in a hippy era household, then he probably doesn’t get off on the secretive aspects of sex. He may already enjoy sex with very few self imposed boundaries. This doesn’t mean that he will want to jump right into an orgy, but it does mean that you should take advantage of his unrestrained mindset by injecting seduction into activities you already enjoy

together. Try seducing him while you’re together on a hike or take an amorous camping trip. Pack gourmet food and wine that enhances romance and bring along sexy lingerie or a string bikini for the river; then be prepared, because the sun and the outdoors are perfect places for a man to relax into his sexual world. In relaxing his daily responsibilities, his libido will amp up. So get ready for fireside sex or river edge sex or fishing trip sex or hiking sex or spelunking sex. You get the picture. Create memories by integrating the intimacy the two of you share with an environment that is already both beautiful and memorable.

What were his choices in other women – does he like blonds or redheads? Does he like women who wear tight clothing or tomboy types? All of this information can be used to seduce him. First, think about you. Have you ever wanted to be a sexy redhead? And you say your man likes redheads? Great! Make an appointment with a colorist and go red! Or go blond and see if they really do have more fun. You say your man likes high heels but your highest heels are your two inch work pumps? Then go shopping for some sexy outfits that you only wear around your man or in the bedroom for his pleasure. Another aspect of this character change requires you to be a lot bolder. In role play you would wear a wig and costume like clothes which will establish a fantasy scenario in your bedroom. If you have decorations to further set the mood, use them. Then literally adopt the personality, accent and demeanor of your fantasy character with your choice of wig and costume. Are you a chamber maid from old Britain or France? Then

act like it; be demure, be apologetic and consent to any of the Master’s wishes. Behave like his beck and call girl. If you want, speak with an accent. You may even want to wear a special perfume for your fantasies so that the “you” he is having sex with is completely different from the daily you he sees doing laundry or picking up around the house. Be different, but still you. Someone he cares about and knows, but also someone who excites him in a brand spanking new way.

What

were the reasons he broke up with his last girlfriend? Using conversation find out if he wanted to try things sexually that she was opposed to. Through conversation you can determine his intentions for the activity he was unable to experience and still have space inside of your own mind to decide whether or not it’s an activity you would undertake – with him. If it is, then discuss doing it with him or just set up a time to do it and surprise him. While women continuously grow emotionally, men match our advancement by allowing their sexual imaginations to grow. As a woman, we may still be thinking that our man enjoys the missionary position, while our man has been thinking about pulling our skirt up and screwing us up against a wall for awhile now.

One of the best things you can do with your man is to talk about sex with him. Not in a clinical discussion, but in an erotic one. Use the language of love – in MANSPEAK. The truth about discussing sex with your man is this, even while we're all speaking the same language, we're using completely different words. If you want to master your man sexually, you will need to

start by conquering the language barrier. Men do not call their penis' a wiener, or even a penis, they call it a dick, a cock or a member. Similarly, men do not think of the areas on a woman's body in politically correct terms. They think of your breasts as boobs or tits, your vagina as a pussy. The phrase to initiate sex is not, “Do you want to be intimate with me.” It’s “Please baby, f*ck me.” I know how this might sound to you. But to your man these words sound hot. So if you want to relate to your man, get over the flush of embarrassment you may feel at the words he wants to hear. The language men use during sex or to describe sex themselves is not only more direct, it's more graphic. It's hardcore and it’s what they will respond to when you use it with them. It is also the language I have used throughout this book to help you grow more accustomed to the way men think about their own sexuality. So don’t be intimidated, use words with your man that you will never see on a greeting card. Speak up and say it loud and proud. “I want to get laid!” And while you’re talking to him, tell him what your fantasies are. Ask him about his. Tell him what you like about the things he does sexually to you. Tell him how he makes you feel using key words like, hot, sexy, hard, intense, baby, mine, yes and more. While you’re having sex say little things, like “F*ck me” or “More” or “I love that, don’t stop.” With one boyfriend I had there was a night where all I said was “Yes” to him. While we were having sex, I would ask him to say “Yes” to everything. Every time I would do something, switch to being on top, or going down on him, I would ask him, “Yes?” and he would nod, but then I’d say, “Say yes.” and he would answer “Yes.” I played this

scenario out until he was on top of me plunging his way to an orgasm saying “Yes Yes Yes Yes” over and over again. Even in its simplicity, it was hot. Once men are active sexually, they deactivate mentally, but you can reactivate them mentally – as long as you’re doing it with sexuality in mind. Maybe men are not so hard to understand after all.

So you say, this is all great, but my man still sees me as the cook, the Mom, the maid…. Sometimes, your man needs some assistance in breaking through the way you appear to him. You know he knows you’re a woman, but for whatever reason he has strayed away from seeing you as a sexual being. Once again, you can see how much importance your man places on your image.

One

action that can help in breaking through the predetermined rolls we set for ourselves or that others see for us is anonymity. We all love the beginning of affairs, because we can be any way we want before a new person gets to know us. We can be the seductress and not the soccer Mom. The thing is you can be this way within your preexisting relationship too. You don't have to leave the people you love in order to become the person you want to be. Sexually, this is easier than you think. Here's the explanation. The key to the success of anonymity is that your man doesn't see you or hear you during the experience. Usually we begin intimacy by looking into our lover's eyes, saying something and then kissing them. They see us and touch us and then their brains go, "Oh yeah, I know this person, they make me feel good..." and

then their bodies get into it with you. That's great, but to break through a sexual rut you need to break through his established patterns of how he envisions you sexually in his mind. Or, in this case how he envisions you asexually. Statistics state that it takes approximately nine months to a year of different thought or behavior to change your mind. So you need to get started right away in altering the way your man thinks about you as a woman in order to initiate more exciting changes. I would suggest you first try anonymous sex in the dark. Totally in the dark, in pitch dark, eliminating the sight factor. Turn off or unplug any lights whatsoever in your bedroom, even the clock light. You don't want any light to remind you or your man of where you are or what your responsibilities may be. Don't make turning off the lights a big production, just do it and then do this; seduce your man. Try one of the slow seduction techniques, like the dedicated blow job or a partial massage. The key is that you want the room to be so dark that you can't even see your own hand. Use touch to find your man's body and use your hands to guide him to your own body. But do this all silently.

DON’T SPEAK There's something about the dark that releases the mind from its position of responsibility. In the dark we can be however we want to be. We can be daring or seductive, we can be wild or submissive and our minds can relax so that our bodies can enjoy the passion. By

having sex in the dark, you can unleash your passion and free yourself from your restrictive thoughts. You can also experience partially anonymous sex in the mornings. We all know that when a man wakes up, nine times out of ten, he has an erection. Don’t speak. Don't announce that you want sex, just make it happen. Prepare in advance by putting the lubricant by your side of the bed. Put a little lube on your hand, then slide up against him with your back to his erection. Reach behind yourself and start stroking his cock with the lube; then guide his cock into the crack of your ass. Don't worry; we're not leading into anal sex. Just let his lubricated cock rub into the crack of your ass either down towards your vagina or up towards your back. Use your hand to keep it up against you and to stroke it as he pushes, because he will now be pushing slightly or more than slightly up against you. If he decides he wants to enter you, let him. If you’re comfortable letting him enter you while you’re still on your side, great. If not, roll over onto your stomach and guide him into you from behind. Then let him have sex with you in that position where he can’t see your eyes and may not even be able to kiss your lips. Although he may miss kissing so much that he turns your head to the side so that he can kiss you. Another way to establish partial anonymity is to seduce your man from behind. Start stroking his cock while you’re standing behind him. You may want to bring him to orgasm this way or you may only want to excite him enough so that when he turns to face you, he will be more aroused than if he were to see your eyes and know in advance what your sexual expectations are of him.

The best way to experience successful anonymous sex is to approach your guy when his brain is in the off position. Say, in the middle of the night when he's dreaming and he can’t stop to think that you were mad at him before you went to bed because he didn't put gas in the car. Catch him off guard so that his mind won’t be a deterrent to better sex. It's ironic that men don't like to overuse their minds in conducting relationships, yet their thoughts and brains can become the biggest detractors to their sex life with you. Letting the little problems in before your bodies have the opportunity to respond to each other sexually can stop great sex dead in its tracks. The most important factor to remember in anonymous sex is to primarily use your sense of touch to influence the response you desire. Be silent, unless you are moaning with pleasure and keep visual contact to a minimum. By eliminating the use of the hearing and seeing senses you also eliminate many of the emotional boundaries we put into our lives that segregate sexual activity to a particular time of day or only under certain circumstances. Using anonymous sex to break through boundaries is a great way to reestablish exciting new intimacies.

Another easy thing

you can do is to reschedule him. Most couples fall into a groove, a routine based around their schedules wherein they also schedule sex. For most, it’s Friday or Saturday night when they end up getting “frisky” with the one they love. For others it may be Sunday morning. But that’s how the sex leaves a relationship. Because if you schedule it, it eventually

stops being an integral part of the schedule, losing to other more important activities like taking the kids somewhere, going to the grocery, doing the laundry or paying the bills and balancing the budget. Sex in a committed relationship is as important as eating is to a body. Having sex releases hormones into our bloodstream that elevate our moods and keep us happy. Sex enforces our emotional connections to other people and in doing that; our brains convey to our souls that we feel safe. Much safer than if we were to live physically and emotionally separated from others. So to keep sex in the schedule, mix up your schedule. On occasion have morning sex with your man. It’s a guarantee. Men wake up with a hard on. Use that to your advantage. They’ll love it and so will you. Or meet your man for lunch somewhere private and seduce him. If he can come home for lunch, even better; greet him in the nude and forget about eating. Or if you have kids, find an evening babysitter and meet him right after work at a discreet little hotel for some intimate time to yourselves. Prioritize sex before the house and the kids and the thoughts of responsibility seep in. Find times and places to seduce your man when he doesn’t expect it. Take him clothes shopping with you and then sneak him into the dressing room for a private little make out session. After that experience he will never resist shopping with you again.

Mostly, think about sex.

If you think about it, you will be more apt to make it happen. Our lives consist of the pattern of thought to action. This can apply to sex as well. If you think about sex you will subconsciously undertake the actions necessary to have it. And everyone benefits from those thoughts.

Try this: ask your man to watch his favorite porn flick with you. While you’re both watching it, start seducing him, removing his clothes and letting your hands and mouth arouse his body. He should be able to see both you and the TV while you do this. At some point his state of arousal will exceed his self control and he will want to have sex with you. Let him. Let him dictate the position be it missionary, from behind (doggy style) or with you sitting on his lap on top of him while he can see and feel your body and can still view the porn on the TV. In doing this, you integrate thoughts of you into one of his favorite activities, so that the next time he watches porn, he will also think of you.

If

the two of you are unable to see each other long enough to have a date or spend the night together, seduce him over the phone. Phone sex can be very stimulating for both of you. Initiate the conversation by reminding him of a time when you were having great sex. Like, “Remember that time when we were in my bedroom and my parents were downstairs waiting for us to get dressed for dinner and instead of getting dressed you saw me in my lingerie and decided that we needed to have a few hot minutes undressing each other instead of eating?” Describe the memory in detail, reminding him about how you looked or what

you were wearing. Remind him of a factor that increased the passion between you like, “It was so hot that day and we were both sort of sweaty so we kept taking our clothes off.” Don’t forget to compliment him on how he made you feel during that memorable time like, “You were going down on me and I loved the way you kept licking licking licking my clit with just the tip of your tongue. It was so hot, I wanted to grab your hair and keep you between my legs all night. You make me so hot when you do that.” Or, “I love the way you grind into me when you’re on top. You have the biggest cock.” Tell him to touch himself while you’re talking. Tell him you’re touching yourself. Ask him to tell you his favorite sex memory of the two of you together and let him know that his memories make you hot. Note: men love to hear that you love their cock or that you think it’s big or that it’s perfect. So don’t hesitate to say this. You’ll be able to tell if the phone sex is working on him if he gets a little quieter while you’re speaking and if, when he does speak, his voice sounds deeper or cracks slightly; or more obviously, if he has an orgasm.

Shave

you; shave him – that’s right, down there. A cleanly shaved pubic area has many sensitive nerves right at the surface of the soft, shaved skin. Let him rub his face down there or stroke his newly shaved organ up against you. If he has never experienced this, he will never forget the sensation. It’s addicting. When preparing to shave, I suggest taking a warm bath or shower and shaving in the bath or shower in order to get a close shave. You should use baby oil or men’s shaving cream for sensitive skin in order to avoid razor

burn. After you shave, I recommend applying just a light smear of Neosporin cream with pain relief on your shaved skin. It heals any minor razor rash you may experience and lightly protects your skin from the friction of post shaving sex. I also recommend applying it again after you have sex on both the day you shave and the day after to keep the stubble from creating those little red bumps under the skin. Naturally you will want to keep your shaved areas moisturized in order to keep the new hair growth soft and if you notice that you’re having a few ingrown hairs in the days following your shave, then use a washrag or loofa to lightly exfoliate the skin and free the follicles.

If you only shave yourself, then think about putting on a show for him. Try a slow strip tease which ends with you masturbating on a chair sitting across from him where he can watch, but he can’t touch. You can encourage him to stroke himself. Tell him you want to watch him. That you want to see how big and hard he gets and you want to watch him pleasure himself until he cums. Tell him that you want him to show you how he does it so that you can do it to him later, the right way. Guys love to be seen as the Master who knows all sexually and can impart that wisdom to you. Let them think that. You have skills; you have resources; that’s why you have this book. We’ll keep the secret that you’re the talented one between us and these pages.

Try simultaneous oral sex where he lies down and you straddle him facing towards his feet. Let him lick you while you suck him. This is called 69 and is an old school move, but to this day men still love it. There

are ways to spice this up a bit. Like doing it in one of those overly cushy lounge chairs in your family room. Let your man recline in the chair while you kneel on the overstuffed arms so that you can lower yourself down onto his mouth and he can rise to meet your lips. It’s hot to do something old, someplace new and I guarantee you will never look at shopping for living room furniture the same way again.

Let’s get a little nasty nasty as I tell you how to use your mouth on your man’s ass in order to blow his mind. Start this event by giving him head. Let your mouth lick and suck him down to the base of his cock and around his scrotum. The scrotum on a man can be an overlooked area, so don’t ignore this erogenous zone. Gently slip one or better yet, both of your man's balls into your mouth and suck lightly on them while you are visiting his nether regions. This will be a blast for him. So do it. Once you’ve broken ground on licking more than his cock, move your mouth backwards until you are licking underneath his scrotum and just in front of his asshole. You may want to do this to your man after his morning or evening showers when both you and he feel more comfortable. Lick the area between his scrotum and his asshole and then move back to the crack of his ass. Lick up the crack of his ass, letting your tongue pause slightly at his asshole. Lick around his asshole. Don't shove your tongue in deep, just let the tip of your tongue tickle and lick around the outer area and then just barely lick inside of his asshole. While you are doing this, move your hand up between his legs and gently stroke his cock – you may want to use a little lubricant on him while you stroke him. Then, lick back down the crack

of his ass, once again pausing at his asshole to lick around it, letting your tongue invade it ever so slightly. Next, lubricate one of your fingers with either your spit or lubricant as you move your mouth back up to his cock and then slide your finger up into his asshole while you slide your mouth down the entire shaft of his cock. I strongly advise cutting your fingernails before you do this. As you suck on his cock, slide the entire length of your finger up into his ass until you reach the rigid muscle of his prostate. Apply gentle pushing pressure to his prostate while you continue to suck his cock and stroke the base of his cock with your hand while you are sucking him, occasionally squeezing or lightly tugging on his ball sac. Intermittently, let your mouth drop down to his balls where you again lick and lightly suck on them before returning to giving him head until he cums... and he will cum. Hard. As you’ve already learned, another version of finger f*cking your guy is to give him head and just before he cums, you slide your well lubricated finger up into his ass immediately applying pressure to his prostate as he is ejaculating. I guarantee he will go off like a rocket.

Does your guy like chocolate?

Good, then slide some squares of it up inside of you about ½ hour prior to intimacy with your guy. After dinner is a good time. Encourage him to go down on you for dessert. As the chocolate melts inside of you, you will become his favorite s’more. For summer you can mix it up a bit with a chocolate covered frozen banana. Slide the icy goodness up inside of you for a tasty preliminary treat

and let him know that when he finishes his snack, you’ll finish him off.

Is your man dominant or submissive?

Do something as simple as watching a sex video to learn new positions to try with him. You be on top for a change. Or if you feel safe doing this, let him tie your hands above your head to the bed frame while he pleasures you. Or sit him in a chair, tying his hands behind him with a scarf or necktie and then do a strip tease in front of him where you end up straddling him naked in his lap – just one zipper away from him entering you. Then unzip him and finish the play. Straddle him on the chair while you have sex until each of you has an orgasm. People carry the misconception that sex sitting up is impersonal. Quite the opposite. Sex sitting up increases the usage of all of your senses and enhances sexual activity. It also amortizes the responsibility for who is doing the “work” since you’re riding him and more than likely he’s also pushing up into you. As well, for a woman it’s a great way to stimulate your clit while you’re having intercourse without either party having to use their hands. You can simply rub your clit against his stomach with each up or down stroke.

Turning it down a notch, but just as worthy of arousal are activities like erotic texting. Send seductive and suggestive messages accompanied by X Rated pics to your guy throughout his day or evening to ensure that he’s thinking of you.

Or

you can fantasize with him DURING sex. We’ve brought up the suggestion of discussing fantasy

situations with your man as a precursor to sex or to sexual escapades, but you can also fantasize with him during sex without having to do anything more than whisper a few suggestive scenarios, experiences, desires or fantasies into his ear. The thought of them and the act of you whispering them into his ear will enhance your current sexual activities. Taking a man’s mind somewhere pleasurable while his body is already experiencing pleasure is one way to enhance sex with the same person without trying out an activity you’re not sure you’re ready to try yet. It’s a highly arousing way to introduce new ideas to your lover and to see what the physical/emotional response is to those thoughts before the two of you find yourselves face to face, in costume on a Friday night, trying not to feel silly because you wanted to try something new. I’m going to tell you something now which may take you too far back in your past to sound viable, especially if you’ve been in a committed relationship for awhile, but you never know, your life may change and knowing this basic act may aid you at some future point.

It’s

about condoms. Just about everyone who is old enough to have sex knows about them and if you’ve had sex ed in high school, you may know basically how to put one on a guy, or better yet, how to let him do the work. What you also may already know is that using them can interrupt the flow of sexual activity and not using them can interrupt the flow of safety in our lives.

I advocate using them and here’s how to use them: buy some condoms and some bananas at the store to use for practice. Practice opening the package, removing the condom and then pinching the reservoir (the extra area at the end of the condom) free of air. Next, still pinching the reservoir tip free of air, place the condom on the top of the banana and then roll the condom down and over the banana. You will want to use your thumb and first finger to make a ring around the top of the banana and then use those same fingers to roll the condom down over the banana – just like you would if it was a man’s cock. You want your hand to mimic the action of a hand job as you apply the condom. A hand job is where your hand is cupped around his cock with your thumb and first finger creating a ring that applies pressure on his cock as you stroke up and down. Apply the condom using the same technique, only in applying the condom, just stroke down and not back up again or you may end up removing the condom after you’ve applied it. To enhance the use of a condom on your man, you may want to masturbate him (stroke him, jerk him off) with a little lubricant as you are opening the package and preparing to apply the condom. I believe using just a little lube on a man’s cock under the condom increases his pleasure while he’s wearing it. But don’t use too much lube, or the condom will slip off during sex. Obviously, in using a condom, the two of you will have to separate from your embrace in order to apply the condom. Don’t let that moment of separation extinguish your passion. Keep things hot by stroking your man, or by giving him head while he’s opening the condom package.

The best and most erotic way I know of to put a condom on a man is to open the package beforehand and leave the condom in a discreet place near the bed. When things get hot and it’s time to put the condom on your man, put it in your mouth (this is where flavored condoms are preferable) and use your mouth to put the condom on his cock. That’s right. Put the condom on him using your mouth. Use your tongue to pinch closed the reservoir tip of the condom and then use your lips to unroll it all the way down his shaft. Your lips will have to be firm around his cock in order to unroll the condom down his shaft, but it’s definitely the most erotic way to apply protection and it feels good to him too. More than likely he won’t mind using protection if it’s applied like this. Here are a couple of tips on prolonging his pleasure which of course prolongs your pleasure.

If your man faces challenges getting hard, ask him to visit his doctor to discuss what drugs are available that enhance sexual potency. There are a number of little pills on the market that do not have any marked side effects. The pills encourage blood flow to his package so that when the proper sexual/emotional stimulation occurs, he will be physically ready.

If

he can get hard, but occasionally succumbs to his own thoughts and loses his erection, then you might want to discuss using a cock ring with him. A cock ring is not the perverse item it was once stigmatized to be. It is a piece of material which works as a band around the base of his cock. Once he is erect, you secure it into place at the base of his cock and depending on the

ring, sometimes around his balls and then the ring stabilizes his erection. In order to understand how a cock ring works, let’s revisit Biology 101. A man becomes hard because the flow of blood increases to his penis, supporting the strength of the existing muscle and creating an erection. Once the blood is in his organ, you use a cock ring like a rubber band to close off the exit path of the blood flow from his cock back into his body, a circumstance which would result in a flaccid penis. The cock ring forces the blood to remain up inside his penis, maintaining his erection. But never ever use a rubber band as a substitution for a cock ring. Here’s the thing, while the cock ring is on your man, he will remain hard, but he will not be able to cum. So, when he’s ready to cum, remove the cock ring so that he can ejaculate. I suggest buying a ring that you can remove easily from your man when he is ready to cum. You don’t want to delay pleasure for both of you while you figure out how to remove the cock ring so that he can ejaculate. By visiting your local adult store or looking online at a selection of rings, you will be able to find a cock ring that will suit both you and your man in terms of the materials used (leather, rubber, etc.) and how easily it can be applied and removed. So by now I hope you’ve had a good time and you’re ready for ...

round two!

Okay, here’s what has worked for me: let your man cool down and catch his breath from the first round. Wipe the sweat or cum off of him to relax him, but don’t let him start thinking about any chores he needs to do or if he needs to run any errands. He might be a little hungry, since he’s depleted his resources with sex. So, if he needs to eat, then you go get a snack, leaving him in bed. Note: I said snack and not a meal. The point is to provide immediate sustenance, not to totally digress from the sexual intimacy. To maintain the intimacy, keep his mind on you by gently stroking his chest, thighs or back. Stroke his hair or give him a sip of water by taking it into your mouth and then letting him drink it from your mouth while he kisses you. Blow lightly on his body or face to create a gentle cooling breeze. If you talk to him, talk about pleasurable things, preferably sexual topics so that his mind remains on sex. Then, once he’s cooled off, but not down, use your hands if they are very warm or go into the bathroom to get a very warm, but rung out (not dripping wet) washcloth and place the washcloth or your hands on his ball sack. The point is to warm up his balls so that his hot blood will return to the lower half of his body – i.e. his cock, encouraging another erection. Let your hands or the washcloth slowly heat up your lover. Don’t scrub or rub, just apply a gentle but constantly heated light pressure. If the washcloth cools down, then reheat it and reapply it to his groin. Give the blood in his body a few moments to reach his scrotum. When you think that he is heated up, remove the cloth or your hands and place your mouth on his cock. Start sucking gently on him. Bear in mind that this isn’t a porn contest. It’s a revival. Suck him and while you

suck him gently work the areas on a man I like to refer to as his g-spots. Just like a woman, a man has several areas in his crotch that when stimulated correctly will arouse him or enhance arousal. Three of these are on his cock. Using your tongue, lightly lick the underside of his cock at the top where the helmet/head meets the shaft. It’s a small spot that he can’t see when he strokes himself. It’s the spot where the head of his cock joins the shaft of his cock and it’s directly on the underneath side of his cock, right at the base of the head. The second spot is the ridge that runs all the way around the bottom of the head of his cock. If you’re stroking him and you start your stroke at the top of the head of his cock, then when you stroke down, right where your hand leaves the head of his cock to stroke the shaft, that’s the ridge where there are a lot of pleasure points on a man. That’s the area you want to go up and down on over and over again with your lips while you’re giving him head or with your fingers as you’re stroking him. The third area is the base of his cock where it meets his body. Men like to have that area squeezed and pulled a bit (but not hard) with either your hand or your mouth. That’s why they like a girl who can deep throat. Because she can hit all three spots while she’s giving him head. Lucky guy, talented girl. The last spot you want to focus on is the spot underneath his scrotum, between his scrotum sack and his asshole. To reach it, you will need to lift his

scrotum up so that you can massage this spot with your fingers or lick it with some pressure from your mouth. The combination of stimulating these areas, preferably with your mouth and the application of the warm cloth or your warm hands should at least partially revive your man’s erection. Once his cock shows renewed signs of life seduce him mentally with fantasy discussion while you stroke his body, kissing spots on his body and either continuing to give him head or to stroke his fledgling erection. Touching yourself while you’re giving him head is also advisable so that he understands that the situation is not one of expectation from him, but rather a continuous sexually charged experience between the both of you. Let his passion build slowly after he’s initially ejaculated, while you’re going to work on a second round. It might take a couple of moments and some encouraging activity from you but most of the time, you’ll end up back in action and the results are worth the effort. Above all remember this; most men are incredibly flattered and easily aroused when the women in their lives initiate sex and they become even more enthusiastic to follow through on their arousal when they don’t have to make the first move. In other words, to make it happen, show up... ready to make it happen.

BACKDOOR MAN 9 Anal sex is tricky. There is a specific way to go about it in order to avoid any unpleasant aftereffects. However, if you do it successfully with your man, I guarantee he’ll forever want to do it with you. No matter if he’s involved elsewhere at some future time in your lives, he will still want to do it with you again. For women, the results of anal sex are compromised. You may enjoy it, but the enjoyment will come with a price. I’m going to discuss the unpleasantries first. After having anal sex you will notice that the muscles of your anus will relax and you may find that there’s some seepage a couple of hours after the experience. Similarly there may be some excess flatulence for awhile that you will be unable to control. So I don’t advise traveling far from home in the hours after you’ve had it. But if you’re still into it, here are some pointers. ALWAYS USE LUBRICANT.

ALWAYS and no, your saliva or his saliva is not sufficient lubricant. I also advise that you have a good bowel movement before you have anal sex. Otherwise don’t have anal sex on your ivory colored, 800 thread count sheets. If you haven’t had a good movement before you have anal sex, you’ll be disposing of your

sheets after you have had (what will be messy) anal sex. If you want to have anal sex on a regular basis and your bowel movements are irregular, then you might try using an enema before you have sex. They are sold in most drug stores and are relatively easy to use at home. Cleaning out your colon before anal sex is preferable for all parties involved. Your man should not just plunge into you. There needs to be foreplay to relax you entirely so that you’re in a sexual mood, desiring anal sex. Then he needs to lightly stroke you back there and finger your ass very gently. If you don’t respond well to this, then either don’t have anal sex or continue playing until you feel you are ready. You’ll know when you’re ready because your asshole will have relaxed enough for your man to insert two fingers at one time and inserting his fingers will feel good to you instead of awkward. If all is well and you are ready, then he should lubricate and massage himself until he is very aroused (hard). If he’s only partially erect, then he will have difficulty entering you and you will not experience positive anal sex. For a first time position I suggest doggy style. This is with you on your hands and knees while you let him enter you from behind. NOW LISTEN – under no circumstances should HE enter YOU. The way it should be done is that YOU need to push back onto him with you controlling how deeply he enters you and how quickly. You need to use your hand and guide his cock into you. He should not push at all! If he pushes even slightly before your muscles are relaxed enough to take him in, he will cause you pain. He should know that once you feel pain having anal sex, all bets are off. The sex for the

evening will come to an abrupt end while you nurture yourself. Hey, I’m just stating the facts. So if you’re ready to start pushing back onto him, here’s what else he can do to stimulate and relax you further while he enters you. He can reach around you and massage your clit. You should already be wet from the foreplay, so rubbing you on your clit and labia should feel really good. If he continues to rub you once he’s inside of you that will feel great to you as well. Once he’s inside, he should still be gentle with you. The walls of the anal cavity are not as flexible as the vaginal cavity; even though your asshole can actually dilate up to 8 inches should the trivia question ever arise. A man can pump in and out of you anally, but he can’t drive his cock with any intensity into you or you may end up with fissures (small splits in your skin) inside of your anus. These splits are not pleasant and when you think about the bacteria that will flow past them to exit your body, you could be subjecting yourself to infection if you do not exercise caution. A final thought. Once your man has entered you anally, under no conditions should he reenter you vaginally until he has thoroughly washed his cock and your vaginal area off with soap and water. If you were to get any bacteria from your rectum up inside of your vagina or up into his urethra or yours, it could cause a weighty bacterial infection. So remember cleanliness is before sexiness.

There is one other activity that comes to mind when I think of cleanliness or anal sex. This thought isn’t really a backdoor item, it’s more front door thinking

for men and a sidebar thought here. As women, we all know that men are fascinated with what comes out of their penises. If they can squirt it out in pleasure, then it immediately becomes a recreational tool for them. Obviously, men like orgasms but some are also mildly delighted with peeing. Who hasn’t seen a guy pee his name in the snow or take random shots at the toilet seat to amuse himself? It’s called watersports or golden showers when your partner wants to pee on you. For those of you who have never heard of this, consider yourself blessed with ignorance, because it can be messy and smelly. I was exposed to the fascination some guys have with peeing at a young age. I was five and the little boy down the street decided I looked like a fireplug and he was a dog. Typical. Some women like this degrading experience, some don’t. I personally don’t, no matter how careful the man wants to be (i.e. – let’s do it in the shower, let’s do it over the toilet, let’s do it outside). To me, regardless of the setup, it’s still the act of a waste product being dumped on me in order to stimulate a guy’s ego/erection and under these circumstances, those two become synonymous. However, if you’re into it, here are a couple of facts: One, it’s not toxic. Two, it won’t kill you or make you sick, even if you accidentally get it in your mouth. Three, if you decide to participate in this ritual with your man, then may I suggest having him aim for your hair? Urine is an excellent, vitamin enriched protein that thickens and conditions your hair. Read your shampoo bottles ladies, the ingredient urea? That’s

urine. It’s been bottled and sold to you for decades. And don’t you look fabulous! Lastly, if you ever get stung by a jellyfish, you would want to ask someone to pee on the sting since that would be the key to relieving your pain. I guess there are positive uses for urine after all. But I really hope you never get stung by a jellyfish.

Back

to anal sex now. While I’ve stated all the cautions here about anal sex so that you can make your most educated decision about having it, please know that anal sex can be very pleasurable for both men and women and surprising your man with the experience of it will be something he will never forget. A little later on in the book, I’ll explain to you how you can use your ass for yourself in what I like to refer to as the trifecta of orgasms.

SAFETY DANCE 10 Let’s take a few more moments to talk about unsafe sex, rough sex, autoerotic asphyxiation, multiple coupling and erratic personalities.

In

its worst examples rough sex can be defined as experiencing someone dominating or restraining you and then hitting or torturing you with sex toys, tools, their hands or their body; possibly forcing you to undertake oral, anal or vaginal sex when your body is not ready for entry (without lubrication) or when you don’t want to. There are some overly aggressive men who derive pleasure from being rough in the bedroom and who might ask you to be their “slave.” An act which to most women would be role play, where you would make food and be somewhat sexually submissive, but to these men it goes further than that. They want to dominate you in a controlling and degrading way. They might want to call you names like slut, tramp, whore or bitch and use your body against your will in ways that might injure you. Women are adaptable, we can acclimate to almost anything that enters or exits our life. But don’t adapt to this kind of sex under the guise of love. This kind of rough sex is not about intimacy, love or even just sexual tolerance. It’s about control. It’s about a man wanting to take the power away from a woman so that he can use her power against her in aggressive and

destructive ways. This friends, is the first step in intimacy abuse. So as much as you may desire to please your man, DON’T DO IT IN THIS MANNER. The outcome will eventually destroy you from the inside where your spirit is all the way out to who you are in the world. Remember, the purpose of this book is to aid you in breaking new ground with your man, not to give a man the tools to break you.

The

same assessment goes for autoerotic asphyxiation. In simple terms it means choking someone while you are having sex with them. You may have read in the news that some people (mostly men) attempt this act on themselves while they are masturbating; an act which occasionally results in their deaths; just as it could result in yours. When a person practices autoerotic asphyxiation alone while they are masturbating, what they are attempting to experience is a rush of blood to their head (brain) as they orgasm. However, when a man chokes a woman during sex, he is not trying to experience anything more than physical dominance over that woman. A lot of men will say that they like autoerotic asphyxiation, but they do not mean that they like experiencing a rush of blood to their head as they are being choked. What they mean is that they like

choking women. The person being choked is the one experiencing autoerotic asphyxiation. The person doing the choking is experiencing the power of sexual dominance. Don’t let anyone trick you into pleasing them with this sex act. No matter what they say, when a person likes choking another person, they do not like autoerotic asphyxiation, they like sexual dominance. The pseudo act of taking a life is a risk no woman who loves herself should ever undertake. I can tell you from first hand experience that looking into the eyes of a man who says he loves you, that you love, as he is in the act of choking the life out of you for his sexual pleasure is a position that can conflict with your good self esteem. Not to mention the damage it does to your mind and your face. Do you think you have beautiful eyes? After practicing autoerotic asphyxiation the whites of your eyes will be blood red as a result of the trauma the tiny blood vessels will have experienced because you were choked. Do you value your mind? Your thoughts? Then protect your brain. Don’t let an affair or a sexual act come into your life which will deliberately sever your brain from the blood and oxygen it needs to continue the job of running your body properly. Not even one time is safe. Most men who fantasize about undertaking autoerotic asphyxiation are inept at executing it. They are ill prepared to enact it in a way that ensures your safety. They don’t understand that the esophagus is as fragile as eggshells. One wrong pressure and your esophagus can shatter and you might die. Are you willing to risk your life so that your lover can have an orgasm?

Let’s really think about this and the act of rough sex. In its most outrageous examples, it goes far beyond the acceptable limits of experimentation or even sexual enhancement. It emulates rape, molestation and violence; all actions where the outcome, the design of the outcome is the destruction of a woman. If your man is asking you to voluntarily put yourself into an overly aggressive and violent sexual situation with him, then he does not love you. He does not care about your well being. A man who desires violence in the bedroom is a sick individual who will injure you wherever he can find the opportunity. Don’t give it to him in the bedroom, in the area where relations between men and women should support intimacy and not be personally destructive. If your man behaves like this, leave him if it is at all possible. Leave him far behind and go find a man who will experiment playfully with you; a man who will behave lovingly to you as you both grow sexually and intimately; a man who will not ask you to risk your life for his pleasure. NOTE: Hair pulling or biting during sex is subjective. Hair pulling can occur on purpose or by accident and while some men and women like it, some don’t. Hair pulling occurs during rough sex, but sometimes it occurs as a passionate and unconscious response to the heat of the moment. The same goes for biting; only you can tell when your lover is caught up in his passion or if he’s deliberately trying to inflict injury on you.

How you interpret the hair pulling or biting that may occur during your sex is between you and your partner. If you don’t like it, I recommend discussing that fact with him before you have sex and before both of you are involved in sexual activity. Hot moments can cool quickly if someone throws a fit because their hair got pulled or because a bite happened that wasn’t expected. An additional thought for you women, there are more than a few men who also don’t like to have their hair pulled. Remember, a man’s hair is a touchy subject, especially as he gets older and as his hair gets thinner. So to pull what little he may still have left during sex might be an emotional detractor to an otherwise delightful coupling.

Here

are a few words on threesomes or orgies. To some they sound like fun and to some they are. But they can be a detriment to your existing relationship and I have found that a majority of women really desire one on one intimacy, despite what they may say after having had a few drinks at a party. Once you bring another person into the bedroom, there will always be a third person in the relationship and the doubt or worry that one or the other of you is still thinking of the third. The short answer to this is that if your partner keeps pushing you to have a threesome and you don’t want to do this, then let him go. Send him away to have a threesome or a whateversome without you and if he decides to come back to your relationship, request that he take an HIV test and a test for Hepatitis before you let him have unprotected sex with you again.

Safety

is important. The only way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases is total abstinence. Condoms afford a measure of protection, but only latex condoms; lambskin or any other material is not sufficient protection from STDs. And please note that condoms, like containers of milk, have a “use by” date which should be adhered to in order to ensure effectiveness. It is ultimately up to you to decide whether or not you will ever choose to have unprotected sex. But if you do, I advise that initially you really get to know your man, starting with his mind. Is he true to his word? Is he actually sincere or does he just sound sincere? Does he say what he thinks and does he do what he says? If so, then ask him to take a test for HIV and Hepatitis so that you can have sex confidently. Intimacy and sex should be fun for everyone. Illness and death are by no means fun. Protect yourself 100% of the time so that you are in complete control of your own sexuality, health and future.

In

milder thoughts, we women dream about finding our soul mate. But sometimes when it happens we lose ourselves to our man and in our relationship. We start behaving differently, making choices we have never even thought of making before. Sometimes those choices are good, but sometimes those choices destroy our self worth and we land in abusive situations. I'm not going to go into a critical examination of abusive relationships. What I am going to say is that it's totally natural for two people who are emotionally

and physically close to begin to live in an exchangeable world. What I mean by an exchangeable world is that two people who are very close start picking up each other's habits. For a woman, this may mean you develop an interest in football; while your man may start to use eye cream at night. But the exchange can also occur sexually and that's what I want you to look at. When a woman lets her soul blend with the soul of a man, what really happens is that she gets a little more psychically tuned in to him. I mean it. You start to develop this intuition about what he wants and subconsciously you begin to direct your body into providing it for him. This can be great for the relationship or in a worst case scenario, it can be devastating to you. One sign that you are "out of character," in other words, overdosing on your intuitive connection to your man, might be that you start doing things sexually that you have never even thought of doing before. This does not mean that you start utilizing the suggestions in Chapter 8; it means that you start letting your man do things to your body that you have never let any man do because you thought they were abusive or degrading. Try to remember, you are a woman with your man, you are not his 9th grade biology experiment. As women, we excel in convincing ourselves that any brutal truths we are experiencing are really misperceptions. Over the years we have developed the skill of looking at unpleasant situations and then justifying our choices made in those situations so that

instead of rejecting the people involved, we can accept them and in the case of the men we are involved with, so that we can continue to love them. Women frequently use their intuition to tune in to the wavelengths of people we love so that we can share happiness with them. This doesn't necessarily mean that you can read minds, but you will find yourself making choices that please the people you love because you have tuned into what pleases them. Pleasing people is great. Pleasing people in a way that injures you, isn’t. If you find yourself in a relationship, behaving in a way where you are internally asking yourself, "What am I doing? I've never liked this before because I thought it was wrong for me." Then I strongly suggest you take a step back from your relationship to determine what choices you are making that are sincerely your own and what choices you are making so that you can make your man happy. Be true to yourself in the relationship and not a shadow of who he is. Living in the shadows can destroy you.

Another thing that can destroy you are lies.

To most men the truth is subjective and commensurate upon how the man wants to see himself. While this act might be more delusional than dishonest, there are still many ways to lie. A person can do it outright; or they can use part of the truth in their lie; or they might state the truth out of context to the situation; or they may say one thing, but consistently do another; or they might use a lie of omission, which is where they are not forthcoming with the truth and in the absence of

telling the truth outright, they are really lying. To be brief I will say that if a man lies anywhere in his life, then he probably lies somewhere in his relationship with you as well. And a person who lies, generally will never stop. They may appear to stop. But really they have just become more proficient at lying. Listen carefully to what your man says. If it sounds too good, too real, too unreal to be true, then it probably isn’t true. The way you can tell lies from the truth is to look at the actions surrounding the words. If a person is honest, then their actions will support their words.

What they say will be what they do. Certainly, everyone lies to some degree. But a pathological liar can wreak havoc on your emotional stability for years to come if you let him continue to live in your world as the liar he is. If he wants to try to change, encourage him. It is possible. There will be some backsliding and in hearing the truth you may hear things that you would rather not listen to, but over time, he may become more honest than not. And that’s no lie.

We women frequently find ourselves attracted to emotionally unavailable men and it's hard to tell at first glance who's emotionally available and who isn't. They all look alike, sound alike and say the same engaging things to start a relationship. Problems arise with emotionally unavailable men because they usually don’t realize that they are emotionally unavailable. They are what are known as commitmentphobic.

The only way you can tell if a man is commitmentphobic or not is to place him in a position where he has to commit to some aspect of his relationship with you. In a short term relationship a commitment may involve meeting his parents or friends, an act which outwardly states that the two of you are involved. If you have been seeing each other long enough, you may ask for a sexual commitment (monogamy) or, if you’ve been involved even longer it may be to make the decision to live together, get married or even to have children. If your man’s response to your request for commitment is to run or to withdraw emotionally, leaving you guessing as to the status or future of your relationship, then he is probably commitmentphobic. Commitmentphobic men come in all shapes and sizes and they present like the best guys in the world. That's because they want to be the best guys in the world so in the beginning, they put their best side out there; they're just too afraid to continue being the best guy long enough to close the deal. It can be anything that's scared them - the divorce of their parents, pain from an old relationship, or the desire to keep their options open, but they run because of fear. Fear that they don't even recognize in themselves. You can't change them. If you try, you will drive them even further away. The only way to have a relationship with a commitmentphobic guy is to give him lots of freedom; to know that he will disappoint you; and to be ready to overcompensate in every aspect in the relationship, because while he might give you 25-30% of his efforts, you will have to pick up the remaining 70-75% of the efforts for the relationship to exist at all.

If you pay attention, you can see a commitmentphobic guy coming over the horizon; he’ll be the one carrying a lot of bags. It's the guy who could make plans to see you, but calls you instead or the guy who could call, but text messages. It’s the guy who looks for love online instead of in person. It’s the guy who thinks long distance relationships can work. It’s the guy who doesn’t have any plans for holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas, but somehow doesn’t end up making plans with you. In fact, it’s the guy who won’t make plans with you when you have time, but as soon as you make other plans, he’s ready to make plans with you and if you don’t change your plans for him, he thinks you’re not making any effort. It’s the guy who never leaves anything at all behind at your house. It is the guy who is more than willing to come into your life to meet your friends and family and do your thing with you, but one day you wake up and realize that you have only been to his home once or twice, you don’t know what he thinks and you have never met his friends. In a relationship, he may not even behave as if he wants to be involved with you at all... until you break up with him. Then, he can’t live without you. While you are involved, commitmentphobic guys will usually lie, cheat and abandon you emotionally when you need them the most. Or they will compartmentalize their involvement with you or with other people in their life, so that there's no blending of your relationship and any other relationships they are involved in and you can't figure out why.

Why is because he doesn't want to make a full time investment in the relationship because he's commitmentphobic. He doesn't want to "share" a life with you, he just wants to enjoy your life and then

return to his own separate life. With a commitmentphobic guy, his life is like Fort Knox and your life is like his own personal 24 hour mini mart where he can get what he needs and then return home leaving nothing behind. Being with a commitmentphobic guy is emotionally devastating. Commitmentphobic men behave apathetically about being involved with you. They will be the worst boyfriend, until you try to move on and then they start acting like the best boyfriend. But, if you rely on this change, they become the worst boyfriend again. You may think you can handle it, but eventually it will deplete your personal resources and break your spirit. You should never stay with someone who is not consistently delighted to be involved with you and who doesn’t continuously reciprocate to you a generous response of emotion. If you are already involved with a commitmentphobic guy there are two things you need to do. One is to look for a used copy of the best book on commitmentphobia I've ever read, it's called MEN WHO HATE WOMEN & THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM, by Susan Forward Ph.D. and Joan Torres. It details every aspect of commitmentphobia in a constructive and supportive manner. Two, take a solid look at your own personality. It's easy to blame others for the predicaments we find ourselves in, but the truth is, you are what you attract to yourself. You may say you want a commitment, but if you end up with a commitmentphobic man, I can virtually guarantee that despite what you say you want, you are also somewhat commitmentphobic.

Think about it, how many great guys have you met that you thought were “boring” because they were so consistent? A judgment that derailed you from participating in the loving, committed relationship you keep saying you desire? Daily love is consistent and is not always fireworks and passion and a guy who is consistent will love you daily. I can't say this enough. Your man is how he is. You can't resolve his fear and you can't change him. If he wants to change, he will make that effort and it will happen. If not, it won't. Your only choice in dealing with other people and in this case, commitmentphobic men, is to live with them the way they are or to leave. There's no need to feel as if you are stuck with bad choices. Address your own issues by once again, listening to yourself. Have internal discussions with yourself on your own fears and desires and respect your own feelings until you can eliminate the destructive aspects of your own life. Once you resolve your own issues, you will attract a man who has a solid mentality and you will have the better relationship with a good guy that you want. Once you’re whole again, that “boring” guy will start looking like the best guy in the world and he will be, to you.

Some men are Mr. Right and some men are Mr. Right Now. Being safe means doing what feels right to you. If it doesn’t feel right, it may not be right and not every choice is right or wrong for every woman. Learn the saying, “Better safe, than sorry.” If you have any hesitations about your emotional or physical safety with a man, then go home and regroup and think about what is the best choice for you. You can’t be too safe. You can be too sorry if you weren’t safe enough.

DESPERATE, BUT NOT SERIOUS 11 As women, we practice the art of depriving ourselves of things that make us happy, even though we are keenly aware that happiness is a key to our survival. We undertake this deprivation until we create a void in ourselves; a big empty space, waiting to be filled. When the void gets to be too big to be ignored, we decide to stop depriving ourselves. We think, “Why should I deprive myself? I deserve happiness and this will make me happy.” And we’re right, we should be happy. That’s usually the point when we decide that we will fill the void that we’ve created regardless of how much it takes to fill it or what it costs us. As women, we tend to create voids around eating, shopping and men. After we starve ourselves on diets, we binge eat until we are bloated, fat and guilty. We tell ourselves not to shop and to maintain a restrictive budget until we’re so needy that in response to our need we shop until our credit card bills rival the national debt. We deny ourselves the experience of relationships until we are so lonely and devoid of emotional validation that we become willing to pursue a relationship with any guy that will look at us for longer than 15 seconds. Even if he looks like the kind of guy who just dragged himself out of bed and onto the barstool for the evening.

WE LET OUR LIVES DEVELOP A VOID AND THEN WE FILL THAT VOID WITH WHATEVER WE CAN GRAB ONTO REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT’S BEST FOR US. Don’t let this happen to you – again. Here’s what I recommend. If you do everything in moderation, then you won’t end up with a void and subsequently, you won’t end up filling the void excessively. Here’s an example. You’ve dated plenty in your lifetime. In fact, you’ve just ended your last relationship. Well, six months ago. You’ve done all right in the meantime; you have a gym membership and lots of new shoes. You’re saving for that trip to London you’ve always wanted to take and you’ve signed up for a cooking class. Who needs sex? You’ve had that. In fact, you had great sex with your last boyfriend. The lying, cheating, bastard who also had great sex with his secretary. You’re not sixteen anymore, so you don’t need sex or even want sex all that often. Or, so you tell yourself. Meanwhile, you watch every couple that walks past you as you have your lunch in the park. You can see what you’re missing; companionship, intimacy, just having someone around to do things with. You have replaced old people with new hobbies. You like to cook now. Seeing all the couples, you wish you had someone to cook for. I know. I’ve been there and I understand.

But here’s what happens. You comfort yourself with these patronizing thoughts for the better part of a year and now it’s been over a year since a man has touched your hand. Even accidentally. You’re starting to feel desperate. But you ignore your desperation. That’s not you. You are vibrant and beautiful. You’ve whitened your teeth. Your gym membership has paid off. You’ve lost 17 pounds. You don’t need a man to complete you. You are complete. But still, you miss the intimacy. You wonder if a man will ever hold your hand again. You wonder if it’s possible to forget how to kiss. You think, “It might be....” You kiss the back of your hand to see if your suspicious fear is true. You can’t tell from kissing the back of your hand. So you decide you need to get out. You call up the girls from your stitch and bitch group and you make plans for the weekend. Friday night arrives and you’re ready. You’ve waxed, tweezed, trimmed, highlighted, flossed, exfoliated, moisturized, plumped, fluffed, blown dried, curled and dressed in a manner that will make undressing very very exciting. You’re ready to hit the bar and relieve your social anxiety. When you get there, you scope out the joint and realize the pickings are pretty slim. But you’re determined. You’ve come to meet someone new to get involved with and that will happen. Maybe. No... it will. You console yourself again with the thought that you have had plenty of sex in your lifetime. Even great sex, like the sex you had with your ex boyfriend.... Suddenly you get the twinges of a tiny panic attack. You don’t want that to be the last great sex you’ll ever have. Rapidly, you look around for just one decent guy.

You see someone. He’s sitting in the corner, off by himself, nursing a beer. He looks pensive, like he’s got weighty thoughts on his mind; he’s barely paying attention to the rest of the bar. You go over, smile brightly and introduce yourself. He grudgingly shakes your hand and mutters his name in response. You smile brighter and think “This is your lucky day! You’re going to be with me!” Yes, he is and he doesn’t deserve you, but you won’t realize that until six months down the line, after you’ve diligently waxed, tweezed, trimmed, highlighted, flossed, exfoliated, moisturized, plumped, fluffed, blown dried, curled and dressed in a manner that will make undressing very very exciting, because that’s when you’ll realize that he’s barely noticed your efforts. And that’s because he’s an introvert and you’re an extrovert. It’s also because he wasn’t looking for a partner to share his life with and you were. And WHY did this happen? BECAUSE YOU LET A BIG, EMPTY, VOID IN YOUR LIFE GET FILLED BY ANYTHING THAT CAME ALONG SO THAT YOU WOULDN’T HAVE A BIG, EMPTY, VOID IN YOUR LIFE. He was anything. He also wasn’t the best thing for you. He was just the anything you determined you were going to get for yourself because you couldn’t stand the void. In order to avoid this pitfall into the void, date like you should eat and eat like you should shop.

In moderation and continuously.

Make and have friends that are men. Many of them, so that you can experience what it is you like and enjoy in a man and so you can determine what it is you don’t like and definitely what isn’t right for you. Stay in contact with those friends. Call them, see them, talk with them. Being friends doesn’t mean you owe them the pleasure of your body or your heart. Just be a good friend. By having friends, what will happen is that you will never have a BIG, EMPTY, VOID. Instead, you will have a space reserved, when the right guy comes along and not, inappropriately before. Because as we know, if we eat too much, we get a stomach ache and if we wear the wrong shoes, they hurt our feet and if we get involved with the wrong man, we will just get hurt.

Since

hormones and puberty became acquainted, we have foolishly thought that if we have great chemistry with a guy, a great relationship will follow. WRONG. If we have great chemistry with the wrong guy, what follows is a break in our lives which may sometimes require years to heal. The following are two examples of what will happen if you get involved in the wrong relationship. First example: You’re an executive and you’re in love with a musician. The two of you have great chemistry, but your schedules are like night and day. Literally. He’s a night person and you have a day job. But still, you decide to live together because you want the kind of life the word idyllic was created to define. After awhile, his entrances at 3 am to romance you ‘til the sun comes up, disrupt your sleep and your day job so much that you know you have to change your schedule

back to what works for you or neither of you will have a roof over your heads. So you decide you need to be asleep by 11 pm and stay asleep no matter what. What you didn’t know was that now you and your boyfriend will argue over this decision because he feels like, “You’re not trying in this relationship any more.” You attempt to explain your job responsibilities, but instead of understanding, he thinks your explanation is insulting to his own struggling career and now the fight is really on. You wish you’d just kept your mouth shut and remained sleep deprived. Eventually, he moves out. Leaving a big empty space on his side of your life and leaving you to pick up the pieces. You resolve that you’ll never let the wrong guy into your right life again. I hope you won’t. It’s great to have chemistry and it’s even better if that chemistry leads to true love. But if the two of you don’t sincerely blend well, then all the chemistry in the world won’t save your life or his from destruction. It takes responsibility and mature decisions in order to maintain the life that’s best for you when someone new enters it. And in the absence of one person making adult decisions, the other person will still have to – for both parties involved. Here’s the second example. I know a great guy who has a sixteen year old daughter who he adores. In order to be available to pick her up and drop her off where she wants to go, he doesn’t schedule many social engagements (read: dates) for himself. As a result, he hasn’t had a real girlfriend since before she was born. It sounds like a big sacrifice for her and it is,

but it works between the two of them. It just doesn’t work between the two of them and anyone else. “So how would you do it?” you’re asking. “How would you get involved with a guy like this?” The answer is, unless you want to make adjustments in your life to accommodate his, you don’t. Frequently, in situations like these, in order to get involved, one person may feel like they have to forcefully establish their own place in the other person’s life; an action which ultimately destroys the functional life that preexisted for that person. Everyone wants to be involved with someone else, but it all has to be copasetic. If it isn’t, then somebody’s life breaks and someone gets hurt. You may think to yourself, “Will talking about these differences in advance help me avoid heartbreak?” Yes, but know this, a guy will tell you the way he likes to live in the beginning of the relationship and then he considers the matter settled. He will not remind you of how he is or what he likes, he will simply expect you to remember what he has already said and to function with it or around it. So you might want to take notes during early discussions with a new lover for future reference. The thing is, when you’re in the wrong relationship, you have to be big enough to leave that relationship even if you have great chemistry, so that each of you can meet someone who is more compatible for you. Damn that chemistry and bring on the chocolate!

This is why it is a good idea to take things slowly when you get involved with another person. Learn what comprises their life and look honestly at your own life to see if the two of you are compatible in the day to day world outside of the bedroom and your great chemistry. If you’re not compatible in your daily lives and you still want to make the effort to be together, then realize that to do so requires a lot of respect for the other person and continuous compromise so that everyone ends up healthy and happy within the relationship. It won’t work if only one person gets their way all the time. Remember, just like when you were kids, if you play rough and selfishly, someone always gets hurt.

One final thought, if you're a middle aged woman trying to date men your own age, all I can say is good luck and I feel for you. Middle age dating in the midst of a man’s midlife crisis sucks. There's just no other way to put it. During this age our female emotions amp up in favor of relationships, while male minds close themselves off to anything age appropriate. Dating was so much easier when we were all young and had better bodies, while dating in our 40s becomes a test of our resolve to find happiness. So my advice to you is this, date up or date down. Date someone 36 or younger or 55 or older. Men in these age brackets are terrific companions and are ready to be loved. “You’ve come a long way baby!” and you still deserve the best. So go out and get it!

LIVE AND LET DIE 12 This chapter is for the woman who is living single. Or, maybe you’re involved and you daydream about what could have been had you chosen a different guy. Whether you’re making up, breaking up, or just reminiscing, the thoughts “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” or he could’ve been the one, keep coming to mind when I think about the next predicaments we women find ourselves in with men.

Let’s start by talking about absence and fondness.

It’s true what they say. Absence does make a heart grow fonder. When a guy makes himself scarce or unavailable a woman loves him more. Say you’re angry at your guy, so he does the typical guy thing when someone is angry with him, he leaves. He makes himself scarce. He doesn’t write, doesn’t call and he does this for a week or longer. At first, you’re really pissed off at him. You plan how you’ll give him hell. You plan how your anger will affect his future choices. You might be mad for most of the first week. However, by the second week, you’re bartering with yourself. “Well,” you say, “I’m still mad, but I won’t rip his head off if he calls.” Instead, you’ll just tell him how mad you are. You’ll sit down and the two of you will have a discussion on his actions and your anger. But, if he doesn’t call the second week, you might be starting to wonder if the two of you are still going out. So by the time he does call you – at the end of the second week or maybe into the third week, you’re no longer angry. Now he’s denied you the pleasure of his

company for so long that you miss him. Your anger is dropped by the wayside in lieu of the fear that you might not ever see him again. He has resolved your problem. Not with discussion or action, but with control. He controlled your desire by denying you what you wanted for long enough that it frightened you into thinking you might never get it again. When you had the opportunity to get it again you were happier to get what you wanted more than angry at being denied it, so you stopped being angry and he never had to discuss the issue which made you angry in the first place. Welcome to the way men play the game of avoidance, otherwise known as emotional abandonment. Once deployed, it’s possible that this pattern of behavior could repeat itself for the duration of your relationship. In fact, it is so successful in helping men avoid confrontation that it should be patented. Here’s a situation; you were with a guy you really liked, but he constantly made decisions which damaged you as an individual or damaged the two of you as a couple. He didn’t want to work on resolving his issues, so you broke up. Now you’re two months down the road and he’s showing up at your doorstep telling you he misses you and still loves you. Since you broke up he says he has traveled in order to sort things out for himself. Since men rarely sort things out unless they are put on the spot and since travel in general is an escape; the words he’s uttering might seem insincere, but he looks great and you see his earnest expression

so you forget about how wrong things were with him and you get back together. Cut to three months later and you’re pissed off again because you realize he hasn’t sorted anything out. He’s still the same jerk who does the same things that broke you up in the first place. Only now, instead of thinking, he’s just a jerk – NEXT! You’re thinking, “I loved him, so I set him free and he came back, so he must be mine because he came back and we got back together and I never do this with anyone, so he just might be THE ONE. This could be true love!”

WRONG!!! He’s not your true love, he’s still the same guy you had problems with, he just stayed away long enough for you to forget that fact. The only way a situation can change during a breakup, is if during the separation, both parties work their butts off to get to a new level of understanding and respect for each other, so that they can behave differently when they try again. Just going away to do your own thing and letting your mind wander over the situation occasionally is not enough to change the outcome if the two of you get back together. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t guarantee change to any issues. Unless you work on things, your issues will remain despite the separation. In my own experience, I had a guy who would leave and then come back and say, “I realize what my problem is.” Then he would state his realization. So I would say, “… and what are you going to do

differently?” And he would say, “Well, the first step in resolving a problem is to recognize it, right?” And I would agree and we would get back together and he would stay stuck on that first step for the next three months until I realized that he intended to do nothing about his problem. He just did what it would take to get past my anger and back in the door to me. Ladies, there are a lot of tricks that men use to get back into your good graces. Learn to discern between the tricks and the truth. The truth is what you can see, the trick is what you hear and want to believe, but never see.

Now let’s talk about what could have been.

This is the story of the guy you think about years after you had a chance to have a relationship with him and didn’t. You know the guy, the one from high school who used to write you poems once in awhile and at the time you and your friends laughed at him and thought it was sort of creepy, the way he watched you. And you thought that maybe he was a little bit of a stalker for loving you when you weren’t involved with him. But now, ten years later, after you’ve dated Mr. Used Me or Mr. Abused Me or Mr. Spent All My Money or Mr. Emotionally Unavailable you remember the creepy guy from high school and you think, “He was kind of cute and he was very sensitive. He was the kind of guy who would remember my birthday so that he could send me a card, probably with a poem written inside of it.” Suddenly, all of the creepy things he used to do that you used to put distance between you and him are things you’ve twisted into character assets. From ten years down the road he’s looking like a great guy now. Let me be blunt here…STOP!!!

If he creeped you out the first time, then it’s because he was and probably still is, creepy. Respect your gut instincts and remember that the internal qualities in men do not change over the years, they only increase in intensity and the men who encompass these creepy qualities only become more adept at hiding them. It’s kind of like a spider with a web. A creepy guy builds a nice web to lure you in and you enter and he traps you and kills your spirit. The only attributes that really ever change on a man are pimples, hair, muscles and braces. The Universe loves you. Ten years ago in high school, the Universe said, “Oh no! That is not the right man for her.” So it moved him away from you and you away from him. The Universe was right and you are wrong to pursue a relationship which if it was TRULY meant to be, would have happened ten years ago and you would be involved with that guy right now! Coulda, woulda, shoulda – it didn’t happen, so move on. Move forward, not backwards in your life. There are six billion people on this Earth; the odds are you will find a new guy to get involved with.

Instead of staying put or starting something new, you may find yourself trying to leave a relationship. If you are involved with someone and need to end it, then here are a few thoughts you may want to employ for yourself. Have you ever noticed how resilient guys are when they break up with a girl? That’s because when a guy breaks up with a girl, he pushes all thoughts of her from his mind, replacing those thoughts with an activity that doesn’t remind him of the girl. While

when women break up, we take advantage of every opportunity that we can find to think poignantly of our lost love. We go to the places “we used to go to” and sigh deeply once we get there. We make our signature food dish and then freeze those sad leftovers, just in case he shows up hungry. I knew a woman one time that cried every time she was given ice in her drink because her husband of 20 years who had divorced her, used to like ice in his drinks and a drink with ice was a painful reminder of him. So she would drink her beverages warm. Instead of pushing thoughts of our long gone loves out of our minds, we let those thoughts stray in and dominate our personal choices even while they deny us happiness. Like, “I can’t wear that dress ever again; it was his favorite on me.” When meanwhile, before him, it was YOUR favorite on you too! Borrow the strategies men use and stop thinking of him after you break up. It’s not easy, but it does make breaking up less painful. Literally, when a thought of him enters your mind, PUSH IT OUT and replace it with another happier thought about yourself. This requires a conscious effort. One you will have to make for about a year, because as we learned earlier, it takes about that long to CHANGE YOUR MIND in order to permanently stop thinking of him as an integral part of your daily life. I know it will be hard, take it from someone who used to wake up thinking that my boyfriend had gotten up to get a drink of water because I couldn’t feel his leg next to mine in my sleep. I would have to remind myself that he was gone because we had broken up

and then there would be no more sleep, only painful memories of him for the rest of the night.

It sucks to break up. But here’s another thing you can do to make it less painful. If you’re like me, when you get into a relationship, you let your guy in 110 percent. You not only let him into your life in the everyday areas, but you start sharing the secret aspects of who you are with him as well. You may find yourself taking him to the special places that you go to, or reading the best parts of your beloved books to him, or burning him copies of all of your favorite songs, or even watching the movies you have seen at least a hundred times over again with him so that you can point out all the parts to him that have special meaning to you. It may be that you have moved your stuff into two of your bureau drawers so that there would be space for his stuff too. Or maybe you bought a cup to hold the toothbrushes and dental picks instead of just shoving yours in the drawer like you used to. So when you break up, you think, I will never be able to… read that book again, or watch that movie again or listen to that song or even brush my teeth without thinking of him and how we failed. True, unless you change things around. Really change things around. Move your furniture, move your bed. Buy new sheets or blankets. Throw out the toothbrush cup, find new movies, music or books to love. Find a new special place to enjoy or take a class and learn something new about yourself that HE DOESN’T KNOW.

The key here is reinventing yourself so that when he does think of you and eventually, he will, he thinks of a “you” that is history. Now it’s him that’s stuck in the past, while you regain the upper hand in your own life by creating a new wonderful you and a new wonderful life for yourself that he is oblivious of. Does he smugly think he knows where you will curl up to read that book that you told him you always read after you break up with someone? Then comfort yourself by changing what you do after a breakup. If you read after the last breakup, then for this breakup, take a cruise! Or take a cooking class or a language class. Cut your hair, color your hair, buy a flaming red lipstick, paint your toenails blue, get a tan, buy a silver jacket, just do whatever it takes to make your life new after his departure instead of allowing your life to remain the same, with his empty imprint on every place and item you look at. Change your future memories and then whatever you think he’s holding onto will be incorrect and he won’t have any further influence (even in his absence) over the new, delightful you.

You belong to yourself. Just because you’ve shared parts of yourself doesn’t mean you’ve lost them forever to someone else. Sometimes we get so involved that we think we can’t be ourselves without this other person. Take back who you are and if who you are is too much of a reminder of what you wanted with someone else, then change who you are into someone who wants something and someone new. Change your life so that you can move away from painful memories and move forward with who you are happy being, YOU.

CHERRY BOMB 13 Outside of sex there is one other way you can be unforgettable to your man. And that is to be crazy. Nuts. Unbalanced. An emotional wreck. Despite all the conversations in the world that men will have with their friends about how they hate to deal with “crazy,” when crazy comes along and a man has the opportunity to rescue a girl or a woman from herself, he’s all over it like paper covers rock. I don’t know why. Maybe because he likes the idea of being a hero? Maybe because it lends him power that he doesn’t otherwise feel he has? Maybe he just hates to see a woman in pain and feels a compulsion to change her pain to joy? Maybe he’s codependent? Maybe his Mother was crazy and the crazy girl he’s with is more like his Mom than you are with your rational behavior and sanity. Or maybe she’s just really really cute with a knock out body. Whatever the case, I have seen it time and again. Some great guy inexplicably stays with a girl who is certifiable. She runs rampant, is disloyal, uses him and hurts his feelings or maybe she just generally acts irrational, but because he thinks that she needs him, he is unfailingly loyal to her. In fact, he loves her. Of course not the crazy, unreasonable, mean sides to her, but the side that has potential. The side of her that he thinks can be redeemed into a loving adult. He may be right. Who really knows besides the crazy girl herself.

But in the meantime, she’s just destructively nuts and he’s never going to leave her. No matter what. However, she will eventually lose interest in the relationship and will leave him, effectively breaking his well worn spirit and rendering him loveless to other women. That outcome should give you a small comfort. So, the upside is that if you’re crazy and willing to stick around, then you can have your man. The downside to this is that if you’re crazy, you probably don’t realize it, so who cares?

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN 14 A book on men would be incomplete without a chapter on how men define fighting with women. If a man says something and you respond with a tone that sounds like you don't approve of what he told you, he considers that conversation a fight. If you end up in a conversation where he states his opinion and you state your opinion and they aren’t the same, he considers that conversation a fight; even if the tone of your voice was calm and reserved. If you say something he has heard before that he doesn't like to hear and he is silent and you say it again with even a hint of frustration, he considers that a fight. If he says something to you and you are silent in response, he considers that a fight. If you bring up a topic and he changes the subject and you bring up the topic again, he considers that a fight. If your guy declares his feelings on a topic and you challenge the validity of his feelings, even in a teasing manner just so that you can hear his thoughts again, he will think that’s the start of a fight. In fact, if a man is uncomfortable on any level at all with a discussion, he will consider that discussion a fight. And if any of these situations happen more than once in a month between you, he will also believe that along with fighting, the two of you just don’t really get along.

The consequences of discussing a topic that a man thinks you "fight" over are this - he will not speak openly with you on that topic again. This doesn't mean you can't ask him questions about the topic, you can and he will answer them. But he will never again volunteer information to you on a subject that he has determined he will not receive your full support on. And he will state that his resistance to being open with you is due to the fact that the two of you "fight." I'm here to tell you. If, in a conversation, you vehemently convey your own opinion, speak firmly, debate, mildly argue, bicker, reiterate your point or express frustration, your man will classify communication between the two of you as "We fight and we don't get along." Debate, argue, bicker or reiterate too often with your man, and he will determine that the two of you "never get along" and eventually he will look elsewhere for amiable female conversation. Will he find it? Temporarily maybe, or if she's a really good listener he might enjoy conversation with her for a bit longer, but if the other woman thinks for herself or speaks out in support of her own thoughts, eventually he will determine that the two of them "…don't really get along either." and he will either return to you or he'll wander off in search of yet another woman to talk to. The thing is, men like to talk with women. They just like the conversation to be one where the man says something interesting and the woman agrees with him without having an opinion of her own. Well, other

than the opinion that she thinks that what he said was interesting. So, if you're like me, then you're probably asking yourself, “If not agreeing with my man is considered a fight even if I don’t get mad, then what is all that other stuff called where I really do get mad and occasionally yell?” Are you ready? In his world, if you get emotional, yell, scream, curse, freak out or slam pots and pans around, he thinks you are crazy. Loony. Nuts. On the brink of needing medication or hospitalization. I know. It boggles the mind. Right about now you probably want to scream,

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?!! We discussed everything when we were dating. When I had an opinion he used to agree with me. He told me he loved my strong will and determined spirit. We used to debate over which place to order pizza from. When we couldn’t agree, we would both laugh. He told me that he's never gotten along with anyone the way he gets along with me. He proposed, I accepted and now we’re married and I’m still who I was when we dated, but he acts withdrawn when I try to talk to him.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? First of all, he’s withdrawn because he’s afraid of getting into a “fight” with you. With so many

definitions of what constitutes a “fight,” it’s no wonder men are mostly silent around the women they love. They literally think that anything they say is going to lead to a fight because they believe there are so many ways to get into a fight with a woman. What happened was this. When you’re dating your man, you say, “I don’t like cooking.” And he says, “Great, neither do I.” But what he’s really thinking is, “Can we have sex now?” Then you say, “I will never want to be the perfect housewife.” And he says, “That’s ok, I love you just the way you are and I love that you’re so confident about what you want.” But what he’s really thinking is, “Can we have sex now?” So you end up married and for the fifth time he asks, “Why don’t you cook dinner like my friend’s wife does?” And you respond with, “You knew when you married me that I would never cook dinner. I told you that and you said that was fine. What has changed?” You sound angry when you say it. And he doesn’t respond. He’s silent. But what he’s really thinking is, “Why can’t we get along?” I know, once again, it boggles the mind. The thing is; men are simple and somewhat hypocritical. They know that they have certain needs and they fill those needs with you. They don’t want to change how they do things in order to make you happy, they just want their needs met. So they may ask you the same question many times and expect that each time they ask, you will respond to them with patience and love. But, if you ask them a question more than once, be prepared; your man will think you’re trying to start an argument.

Let’s face it, the way we women question our men when they’ve done something to tick us off is different than questions rooted in negotiation. To a man, questions like, “What made you do that? When are you going to do that?” and “Why do you think like that?” sound accusatory and they are. They are actually more accusation than question, designed to put your man in a spot where he’s going to have to work on his defense in order to get back into your good graces. Another thing these questions do is to force your man to take partial responsibility for your happiness. Tell the truth…. When you question your man like this what you are really trying to say is, “I’m unhappy and it’s because of you!” and “I want you to make me happy, so tell me why you made me unhappy!” This type of blameful questioning makes everyone feel bad and feel cornered. It is explained throughout this book that YOU have to be responsible for your own happiness. As weighty as that responsibility is, it never stops. It is your responsibility 24/7 to learn how to make choices that will make you happy. I know you want to understand your man and to be understood by your man, but understand this: When a man wants to understand something, barring any afflictions, he will understand it. And if a man doesn’t want to understand something, then no matter how much effort you make so that he can understand, he won’t understand.

Some insight on what’s expected of you by your man in conversation is exemplified by how men behave around each other. Men do not disagree with each other. They may not agree, but they don't openly disagree. How many times has your husband, boyfriend or friend said to you, “I really don't like that guy.” Surprised, you responded with, “I had no idea. You don't act like you don't like him. You're nice to him.” That's how guys behave towards each other. They don't debate, argue, bicker or reiterate with each other. They may get frustrated later - in private, but they don't openly express this. They rarely say what they really think most of the time. Instead, men just “do.” They try to involve each other in an activity and if one of them doesn't want to do it, that person doesn't do it and the rest of them determine that the one that didn't join in, doesn't like that activity. So, he gets his point across by not participating and he doesn’t have to use words or an attitude. Men rarely say they don't like something, they just don't do it and by not doing it, the other men around them understand that they don't like it.

When a man wants to do something, he does it. If he doesn’t want to do something, he doesn’t do it. Here’s an example. When a guy wants to use red on a project and says he is using red to his friend, his friend may respond with, “Red’s ok.” What his friend is really thinking is, “I would never use red for that, I would use blue.” But he won’t state his opinion out loud. Because to say it out loud would seem like he’s

provoking an argument. Say a guy wants to go somewhere and he asks another guy to go with him; if the guy doesn’t want to go, he’ll say, “I might be busy then, let me get back to you.” What he’s really thinking is, “I don’t want to go there. I’m not going.” But to say what he really thinks would seem like he’s provoking an argument. Men know that if you provoke enough arguments, even other men won’t want to be your friend! So now you're asking yourself, what do I do? I can't change the way I am, I disagree with things that he does. He pisses me off with his behavior. I've read all the other self help books. I'm supposed to stand up for myself, call him out when he acts unfairly. I'm not supposed to stuff my feelings inside; that's unhealthy.

WHAT DO I DO NOW? Let me start by saying that you're right. You are exactly the way you're supposed to be. You’ve got the right blend of conscience, morality, responsibility, compassion, fairness and love. You shouldn’t have to change who you are, because you have evolved into who you are through a process of experiences. Very important, invaluable experiences. But, if you want to stay on what your man determines are good terms, then you need to change how you express yourself when you respond to him. Certainly, he does stupid things and he pisses you off. But before you throw a fit which he will determine is "You acting crazy," think. Think about how you can adjust to the situation, or how you can express your emotion in a proactive way - with an action that might

offset experiencing this same situation another time. Or really just think of the person you are involved with. If you’re married, try to remind yourself of all the reasons you married him. Place those reasons in a more important place - higher up on your emotional list - than the spot which currently holds your anger. If you make your anger more important than your love, then what you're really conveying to your man is that you are more important than he is. And while we've all heard the lectures on taking care of yourself first, we know, to use actions or words to say to another person that my feelings are more important than yours, will hurt them. Hurt the people you love frequently enough and love stops being a good enough reason for them to stay with you. Be honest with yourself, is your man a stranger to you? Can you really say that you didn’t know he would do the things he does which aggravate you? If you are experiencing hurt from your man for the first time, I am sorry that you were hurt. But now, you are empowered. Now you know what he will say or do and you can choose not to be in this position again. That’s not to say a trying situation won’t sneak up on you while you’re busy paying attention to another responsibility; it might. But for the most part, now that you know how your man makes choices, you can work in conjunction with his choices or you can work around his choices so that you can remain happy. I have to say as well, that if you are only dating someone and he makes choices that you don't agree with and you continually find yourself expressing anger or frustration to him over his choices, you may want to

rethink your future involvement with him. Or at the very least, consider marrying someone else. Truthfully, in order for confrontation to be effective and not destructive, it should only be used when you feel everyone involved in a situation needs to stop hedging and come clean about their feelings. If you utilize confrontation every time something happens that isn’t to your liking, then you will end up with a man who retreats from you emotionally and will eventually retreat from you physically. I know this is blunt. But the truth is what it is. However your guy is, that's how he will be in a marriage with you. Period. He will not change. I mean it. Look at him. If you can't learn to love all the pissy, unreasonable behaviors now, then don't marry him, because those behaviors don't change after marriage. Never. Not ever. If you decide to marry him anyway and you end up bickering with him, he will at some point leave you. He may still pay the bills and sleep in your bed, but he will be absent emotionally. Because, to a man, having a good relationship means…

NEVER HAVING OPPOSING OPINIONS. Never. The two of you can behave differently. You can do different things. But if you discuss your differences, it will be interpreted as an argument. And if you debate those differences, he will determine that the two of you don't get along. And if you ever raise your voice and yell or God forbid, scream, he will think that now you have lost your mind and are crazy.

But don’t let that worry you, because as we learned in Chapter 13, if you’re crazy, he’ll slip into codependency mode and will love you forever. So you see it can all work out favorably, however you choose to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------DISCLAIMER: There is a difference between the ridiculous way men perceive a lack of communication with women and verbal or emotional abuse. If you find yourself in a situation where in order to “get along” with your man, you have to reject part of yourself, then you are with the wrong man. You should also never tolerate anyone who says things to you that belittle you or degrade your feelings. No one should curse at you, refer to you in derogatory terms, verbally assault you or blame you for any deterioration in communication that was caused by abuse. This is abusive. Several of the chapters in this book are meant to lightheartedly define circumstances between men and women that unnecessarily cause conflict. But in all circumstances, abuse is serious and should never be tolerated. I don’t know you, but I love you. Please love yourself more and leave an abusive man behind.

PAINT IT BLACK 15 Here’s a short thought. When you offer men instruction or unsolicited advice, they feel criticized. Men may act like they want to hear what you have to say. But really, they are just spot checking their own instincts. They are listening to you to see if what you say is the same as what they already think. If it’s not, they may ask you a question or two to clarify their own renewed knowledge, but don’t get carried away with your answer. If you go off on a tangent and start lecturing them about the ways and means they seem to lack in their own lives, they will feel like you are criticizing them for not being smart enough. You may know more, and they may know you know more, but that’s what they’ll think. This is hard instruction for most women to follow because historically women have not been listened to by men. That’s why, when we are given an opportunity to impart our knowledge to a man, we are tempted to take the lead and go! Instead, when providing a solution to a man, it’s important that you place the solution where he can find it. Men are traditionally hunters and gatherers, so letting him discover the solution for himself will be rewarding to him. He doesn’t have to know that you placed it there. So don’t tell him how to do something if you can put the solution out there for him to find. Understand that your choices for a successful outcome are to plant the solution where he will find it, to let him continue to screw up until he learns from his own mistakes or to just let it all go and move on.

I was watching The Departed with my Irish boyfriend when we got to that scene where the psychotherapist discusses the fact that Irish men “...are impervious to being psychoanalyzed.” and that’s why it’s impossible to successfully resolve the issues Irish men may have. I turned to my boyfriend and said, “So that’s what your problem is.” To which he responded, “It’s not my problem.” And he was right. I was the one who needed things to be done differently. In his world, everything he did was just fine and he didn’t see the need to change things. Right now you’re probably wondering what the difference is between telling a man how to solve a problem and telling him what to do in bed. Well, here’s the difference. During sex, there’s a means to an end that a man can’t get to without you telling him how to get there. He relies on you in order to have great sex, because if you’re not there, he’s just masturbating. And if he doesn’t respect your requests regarding your body, he shouldn’t get to have sex with you at all. Since he wants to have sex with you, he’ll listen to what you say. Plus, listening to your instruction on how to give you an orgasm is beneficial to his future happiness during sex. So in bed, he listens. But out of bed, he doesn’t need your help to get lost or found. He can do that all by himself. So when you say something like, “I think we should have taken Exit 37 to get over the mountain instead of taking this back road.” He will feel criticized, because he could have figured that out for himself; after he’d driven another 20 miles in the wrong direction. And after the two of you fight over your criticism of his sense of direction, you’ll know that the next time he gets lost, you should casually drop the map into his lap

as you lean over to kiss his cheek and tell him what a great driver he is.

One

more thought is that men and their egos are something women have to contend with. I’m not entirely sure how to navigate all of the twists in a man’s ego, but since knowledge is power, you should know that if at any time in your man's life he has ever received attention because he is or was talented at something; if he ever achieved any notoriety for being a hero, a leader, an innovator or if he was ever considered supermodel pretty, then he will forever think of himself as someone who deserves the best because he still IS the best. Note: I said IS, not WAS. expiration date.

A man’s ego has no

Because even if your man is now bald, hairy, overweight, paunchy, lazy, ignorant, ridiculous or completely dependent on you for every penny in his pocket, somewhere deep inside of himself where you can’t get to it to change his way of thinking, he still thinks of himself as the best looking, most talented, greatest guy in the world and he thinks that you should consider yourself damn lucky to be allowed to be around him, near him or with him. I am not kidding. So, when you turn to your man and say something like, "I don't understand why you think you’re above putting out the trash, changing diapers or cleaning the bathroom." He will think, "What the hell is she talking

about? I’m a ROCKSTAR!" even though the truth may be that he only used to sell out local clubs during a six month period at some point way back in the 80s when he had hair down to his ass, weighed slightly more than a dime and had sex appeal oozing from every pore of his being. Because of his delusion, you may even start to think that he is completely detached from reality. He may be, but there is little you can do about it beyond recognizing that this way of thinking is how your man maintains his self esteem and he needs to nurture his inflated sense of ego in order to get up and get moving each day to go to the job that isn’t his dream job in order to provide for his family. In reality, since his daily life is nothing compared to the life he dreamed he would have, your day job becomes living as an emotional tribute to the man he once was so that he can be the great lover, Father, Husband, provider, companion or best friend he wants to be in your lives together now. Or... in different words, you can see that this is a flaw in your man, but as his partner, your job is to love him anyway. So get on it. The secret truth is this... your man really knows what’s up or rather what’s changed about himself and his life. But, because he wants you to think he’s amazing for as long as he lives, he has to think he’s amazing too. Your man may never say this to you, but he thinks you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he wouldn’t be the greatest guy in the world without you. So go ahead, bang your head and then rock his world with compassion and the understanding that alongside being his wife or girlfriend, he also needs you to be his biggest fan.

YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART 16 Because the topic of men and cheating has been beaten into the ground with discussion and literature, you would think that everything that can be said has been said... too many times. I agree it has, but why is it that when a woman finds out that her man has been cheating, the first question she asks is “Why? Why did he cheat on me?” Ironically, the “other woman” never asks why a man cheats with her, but that’s beside the point. A recent study stated that there are 237 good reasons to have sex. I personally like having sex because I don’t like having to maintain my gym membership. In a review of the study, a reporter stated that the same study also lists a number of reasons why people are unfaithful. Not 237 reasons, but a number that was purported to give 237 a run for its money. So why do men cheat? I can’t say for sure, but these are the reasons that I’ve learned about personally. Men cheat because they can. But I shouldn’t eat the rest of the Oreos for the same reason?? Men cheat because they desire a woman that isn’t their wife or girlfriend. Oh, ok. But it isn’t enough to watch a Salma Hayek movie and masturbate? Men cheat to see if they can get away with being “bad.” Does this version of being “bad” lead to spanking or corporal punishment?

Men cheat because they needed sex to feel like a man and their woman wasn’t available to give it to them. What? Is this for real? Men cheat because they think about sex a lot in a day and the ratio of thinking about sex during a day to actually doing it is like 99 to 1 so they don’t feel like cheating is such a bad thing, when they’ve resisted their urges 98 other times. There is something backwards about rewarding a guy with the wrong thing because he did the right thing all the other times he had the opportunity to do the wrong thing. Men cheat because their Father cheated and a Father’s behavioral example becomes the behavior of his son. True. Men cheat because they have emotional needs that aren’t being met by their wife or girlfriend. How a physical act can satisfy an emotional need is a debatable comparison, but maybe it’s similar to the way we women buy shoes or eat chocolate when something is upsetting us. Men cheat because they want validation that they are still attractive to the opposite sex. Hello, I am the opposite sex! Men cheat because they want more sex than they are getting at home. Now that’s just greedy. Men cheat because they were too high or too drunk to say “No.” when the situation presented itself. Can you say AA? Men cheat because they’re afraid to commit to one woman and they want a second woman who will make

them feel better should things go to hell with the first woman. Well that reason just defines its own result doesn’t it? Men cheat because they are afraid of losing their virility so they use it as much as they can, wherever they can, with whomever they can. Are you men or dogs? Wait, we already covered that. Men cheat because they think they can get better than you; better looking, a better attitude, a woman with a more prestigious job, more money, better sex and a better life. Ouch. That’s gonna leave a mark. Men cheat because their friends think it’s cool. I think they should get new friends. Men cheat because they have low self esteem. Exactly how does doing something that hurts another help your self-esteem? Men cheat because they are afraid their wife is going to leave them anyway. Way to use the power of positive thinking guys. Men cheat because they’re greedy. Word. Men cheat because they want revenge on a cheating partner. As long as that revenge doesn’t include HIV, herpes or syphilis. Men cheat because they “Aren’t getting along.” with their partner. Ummmm... maybe because they cheat? Men cheat because it makes them feel alive. Is this like cheating death? But what if they get caught cheating? How will they cheat death then?

The truth is that the only person who can answer “Why?” your man cheats is your man himself. I do know this much. If a man cheats on you once, he will cheat on you again. Another thing I know is that if you got involved with your man while he was cheating on another woman, then he’ll leave you the same way. I don’t care what he says to you in private. Prepare for the inevitable outcome by stocking up with an abundance of Kleenex, a bottle of tequila and a few good friends who’ll get you back out of the house. What goes around comes around. The one thing men definitely don’t do while they’re cheating is to think of the feelings of either the woman they are cheating on or the one they are cheating with. I know this because I’ve been in both situations. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve been cheated with and the guy never had a good enough reason either way. He only told me that he wasn’t thinking of anything except what he wanted to do for himself at the time. And I believe it. Unfortunately, cheating doesn’t require a lot of time or effort. One guy cheated on me in the 4 minutes I was in the shower before he got in, in the mornings. That would be when he would call to make a date with his other girlfriend. One guy was able to cheat on me because he kept me at a distance from his apartment. He had his relationship with me at my place and his relationships with other women at his. One guy I knew had an irregular work schedule so his wife wasn’t able to tell when he was cheating. Another guy told me that his wife had given him permission to cheat and yet another told me he and his wife had an open marriage. (It’s funny how a man’s definition of an open marriage

usually means that the husband can pursue all the extracurricular sex he wants, but if the wife has sex, her husband freaks out.) Even a guy I knew who had the most amazing girlfriend would still cheat with someone else during his lunch hour. I can say with all confidence that you’ll never know for sure if you’re being cheated on until you catch your guy cheating. You can presume, you can piece together the evidence or live in a perpetual state of suspicion, but it’s not until you actually catch him that you know for sure. Not every guy cheats, but every guy who cheats rarely stops and if they’re cheating with you, they are without question also cheating on you with someone else. I think the question that’s bigger than IF your guy is cheating, is what is in your personality that would attract a guy who cheats to cheat with you or to cheat on you? It’s been said that people who are similar have this uncanny way of migrating towards each other and developing relationships. Since not all guys cheat, then why would you subconsciously gravitate towards involvement with a cheater? Are you too permissive in your behavior? Are your boundaries too flexible? Can your man subconsciously tell that you probably won’t completely freak out and leave him if he cheats or if he’s cheating with you? And if you’re with a guy who’s cheated on you already, why are you still with him? Can you honestly say you still trust him? Like I’ve said, we attract people who are how we are. If I have low self esteem, then I will attract guys who also have low self esteem. Likewise, I may not specifically advocate cheating, but maybe I also don’t

outwardly reject the type of behavior which leads to cheating. Maybe I flirt with married men, or listen sympathetically when they complain about their wives or maybe I hang out too frequently with my friend’s boyfriend; situations which could easily thrust me into an outcome where someone gets cheated on or where I’m cheating with someone I shouldn’t be. Don’t be afraid to determine what you will stand for and what you won’t. Setting a standard for your life and determining your definition of commitment well in advance of being introduced to a prospective Mr. Right, will help weed out the riff raff. There are right guys out there. I know. I’ve seen them.

CANDIDATE 17 This is going to be a very brief discourse on relationships with your guy’s friends, family and pets. Have you heard the saying, the incumbent stands a better chance of winning over the rivaling candidate? Well, in the life of your man, you are the challenging candidate and his friends, family and pets are the incumbents. So remember these words as you enter his world and proceed with caution so that you don’t end up blindsided by your own best intentions. Aside from most men’s bathrooms being biohazardous zones where you need to watch out for yourself, the next most explosive areas in his life are his other relationships. Since you are a delightful woman, you will want to get along with and be loved by all of his friends, by his family, by his ex girlfriend slash current confidante slash in-house critic of all new things female and most importantly by his dog, cat, rat, baby alligator, tarantula or iguana. Good luck, because the odds are that out of that list, someone in his life will not like you. Let me tell you about a boy I tried to love, who loved his iguana more than me. He slept with her. That is until I came along and made the rule about no iguanas sleeping in the bed while I was there. That rule didn’t last long because it was his house and his rules, so I found myself not sleeping much when I was there because I was too busy giving his beloved iguana the mad dog eye so she wouldn’t bite me in the middle of

the night. She didn’t care, she knew that even without a vagina, she was the incumbent and my time with her man was rapidly ticking away. She was right. We didn’t last long, especially after he started insisting upon kissing her goodnight BEFORE he kissed me goodnight. She was the incumbent and as far as I know, she still is. Obviously, the challenger lost. Another tale of woe involves a friend of mine who had a tarantula as a pet. Coincidentally he also had a girlfriend, whom he claimed to love. Until the day his girlfriend accidentally sat on his tarantula. Before you freak out, she didn’t squish it, but she did scare it badly enough that it lost all of its hair and was bald for a very long time. I bet you didn’t know tarantulas did that when they get frightened. Looking at his fragile spider every day without hair was a constant, painful, bald reminder to her boyfriend that she had sat on his dearly loved pet. It wasn’t long before he broke up with that girlfriend and got himself a new girlfriend. A girlfriend who didn’t sit on his pets and who would stay at his house to take care of his pets while he traveled. This is where the old girlfriend got her revenge. She went over to his house while he was away and seduced the new girlfriend, convincing the new girl to leave him and move in with her. So he lost both girls, but he still had his pets. In all events, the incumbents won. The way it works is like this. If someone who exists in your guy’s life before he started seeing you, doesn’t like you; like his Mom, or his friends, or even his dog; it doesn’t matter how much he says he loves you, he won’t get rid of any of his incumbents so that you can be with him hassle free. Don’t worry; he probably

won’t get rid of you either. But he will keep you separate from anyone who doesn’t approve of you or like you. So while you may get to visit his life, you will never be a part of his friendships if his friends don’t like you. Or, you will never eat Sunday dinner with his family, if his Mom doesn’t like you and if you don’t get along with the dog, the dog will still get the run of the house, while your guy will make you as comfortable as possible in his bedroom. A place where for him, the magic happens, but where you will start to feel like you’re sixteen and grounded again. After reading this you may be thinking that the solution is to befriend his friends, family or pets and then your guy will love you forever. It might happen like that. Or, it might happen like this: You are in a relationship and it may not be the best relationship in the world. But it’s a new relationship, so you’re all caught up in the newness of it and can’t yet see how the two of you are really not meant to be. That’s ok. That’s the way it goes with everyone sometimes. But, you want this to last forever and you feel pretty confident that if you just stick around long enough, he will realize that he can fall deeply and lastingly in love with you. Except that he has an overbearing and interfering Mom, or he has a mood swinging, mean ass cat that growls at everything. So you think to yourself, “How the hell am I going to get the opportunity to stick around long enough for him to realize he can’t live without me if these people and animals seem like they hate everyone that isn’t him and that list starts with me? I need to make friends with his crazy cat and interfering Mom and then he’ll

see that the die hards in his life love me, so he will too.” Okay… let me tell you a little story about a boy and his Mom. He loved her and did everything she told him to do and she loved him and did everything she could for him. Until he met me. Then he wanted me to do everything for him and she got jealous. Her way of getting over her jealousy was to befriend me. Sounds good doesn’t it? It seemed like a good idea at the time because I hate drama and competition; so I made nice with her. All the stories about his life he hadn’t told me yet, she told me about. All of the habits he had that she was unaware of, I talked with her about. She and I would talk for hours on end, every day of the week and I thought I was really solidifying my place in his life as his girlfriend, until he found out about my friendship with his Mom. Then, it all fell apart. He said I had betrayed him and I had crossed over the line when I talked with her about his life. He didn’t want his girlfriend and his Mom being close. He wanted to be close with each of us, but wanted us to remain separate. Since she was the incumbent, she won. He stayed in touch with her. He broke up with me. The same theory goes for a guy’s pet. If you have a mediocre relationship with a guy and you think that by making friends with his pet, he will love you more, he won’t. He will love that you love his pet, but if he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you and no amount of external validation from his pets, or his friends or even his family is going to increase his feelings for you. He either loves you on his own, or that’s the end of it.

Or, if he loves you all equally, but you don’t get along with his incumbents, then he’ll keep you around, but you will be kept separate, segregated from the other loves in his life until one day he realizes that one of you has to go in order for him to really have peace, love and understanding. Guess who that’ll be? My advice to you is to acquire some incumbents of your own. Then when you meet Mr. Too Good To Be True’s incumbents, turn your own posse loose to mingle with his posse so that the ratio of judgment is equalized across the board. Then you and your guy can have some breathing room to determine whether or not you should get into something more together and what the choices and loyalties will be for each of you at that point. Let any friendships with members of his entourage happen naturally or not at all. Because really, even though it would be ideal for us all to like each other, we may not. But it is possible for all of us to accept and respect each other from a safe distance surrounded by our own friends. Look at relationships, business ventures or anything you challenge yourself to do in the same way film studios look at movie production. The rule of thumb is that you can’t have too much preproduction. Meaning, you can’t prepare too extensively before you make that leap into a costly investment that will be difficult to extricate yourself from should it prove to have been a mistake. Not that true love is ever a mistake.

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY 18 If your simple guy is a good guy he really just wants one thing from you emotionally: For you to be happy. Specifically, he wants you to be happy with him and for you to behave in a happy manner around him so that he can be happy too. This is where the old saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” applies. Learn this phrase, live it, grow to love it. My Grandmother used to say to me “Smile.” My response would be sullen and resentful, “I don’t feel like smiling right now. I’m not happy.” My Grandmother would then say, “It doesn’t matter if you want to or not, do it anyway.” I hated that. Subsequently, I didn’t do it. I didn’t smile. I wasn’t willing to fake happiness until I found a real reason to be happy. In my life, if I was happy, I acted happy and if I wasn’t happy, everyone knew it. As a result, I’ve had a lot of men say that they wished that I had been happier with them or they wished that they could have made me happy. Because they didn’t feel like they did or that they could, they left the relationship and me, creating a situation which made me even more unhappy.

It’s maligned, but here’s the truth. If you behave unhappily around your man, he will think it’s his fault. It may be his fault. But he isn’t interested in listening to why it’s his fault or in changing anything he’s already doing. Why? Doesn’t he love you? Of course he does. Remember, men are simple creatures. If there isn’t a disaster or obvious destruction as a result of their behavior, then they believe whatever they are doing must be fine. Better than fine, it must be OK. The only real way men grow unhappy is when the woman they love doesn’t seem happy with them. Basically, as long as things aren’t totally falling apart, men are happy. Understand that the best thing you can do for yourself and for your future with a man is to recognize that your anger and your resentment towards your man are the biggest enemies you will face in your relationship. They will also be the emotions which will preclude physical and emotional intimacy with your man. Let’s tell the truth; men really know how to piss women off and women know how to nurture anger better than any other species. But anger for a woman means no sex for her man and no sex for her man means a break in intimacy for the woman. Which means that ultimately the relationship will break apart. Sure, you’ve done the seduction thing and in his head he associates you with pleasure. But, if you have a bad attitude, all that means is that he’ll approach you for breakup sex until he finds another woman who will behave as if she’s happy with him. Do you really want that?

Do you really want to be the ½ of the relationship who holds onto the pain and anger and unrealized desire for intimacy while he moves on to someone who will make him happy with her happiness, whether she’s sincerely happy or not? Of course you don’t. Remember,

MEN THINK SIMPLY. They don’t pay attention to the details of how a woman achieves happiness; they just like to be there when you are happy. To a man, a relationship is like a party, they don’t want to plan or discuss the arrangements; they just want to enjoy the outcome. So put on your party smile and keep smiling for the happy results you both desire. And if that isn’t enough of a reason, then smile because a smile is the best, all natural facelift you can get for free. ;)

ON A PLAIN 19 This is where this book stops being about what you can do to create happiness in your life by being involved with a man and where it discusses how you absolutely MUST be responsible and in charge of your own happiness in order to have the good relationships you want most. There’s sexual happiness and then there’s emotional happiness. I won’t go into a long psychological dissertation on women’s minds and emotions. However, I will briefly point out a few thoughts on how to align your mind’s happiness with the desired happiness for your body. The first and most important thing I can say on either is… TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS whether they are driven by physical or emotional stimuli. There’s no argument that the actions of other people cause us to feel emotions of our own; emotions that wouldn’t exist if the actions of these other people didn’t intrude into our lives. This pervasive state where you feel badly because of someone else’s actions is termed reactive. I’d like to say these feelings

will pass without effort from you, but it does take effort from you so that you don’t react, but rather act on your own behalf until the bad feelings pass. Know that you are not alone in your reactive response. A majority of the world’s emotions are expressed in reaction to the actions of another person. The minority of the world stands alone in selecting the emotions they choose to feel despite the actions of another. Your job is to own your own feelings. Regardless of whether they are emotions you have chosen yourself or feelings that are occurring because of someone else. Good or bad, they are yours. So, don’t ignore them. If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad and as a result of feeling bad, you behave negatively in the relationship, the two of you will create a toxic situation. A situation where all of the stimuli and response is going to be negative, so as a result, all of the outcomes are going to be negative as well. A situation like this will kill your sex life and the relationship. So you have to choose positively or negatively, how you want to behave in response to the duress of certain negative experiences. Say your husband or boyfriend goes out every Friday night to a bar with the guys. For whatever your reason is, this upsets you. You’ve told him it upsets you, he knows it does. But he still makes the decision to go. You have three choices here and only two of them will end well. The first is to get mad. Let him know you’re mad. Be mad at him. Drive a wedge between the two of you over this “issue.” It can and will happen if you get mad and continue to be mad in response to his

choice. Choice one may not serve you well. Choice number two – look at why he chooses to go to the bar. Is he really doing it to aggravate you? Or is he doing it thinking that this is a good choice in his life? At the bar he’s laughing and bonding with his friends. He’s getting the healthy socialization that we all need to maintain emotional balance and it seems like it’s more important to him to keep this socialization rather than to end it so that you won’t be angry with him. Think about it; is he with you the other six days of the week and is he basically a good guy? Then is it really worth it to keep getting angry over this one day? Certainly, his choice reflects a level of disregard for your feelings, but have you asked him why the disregard exists? Have you asked him why it’s more important to him to do this instead of respecting your feelings? Have you asked if you could join him? There’s a range of emotional responses to choose from other than getting angry; responses that will lead to a more comprehensive understanding of your man instead of opening the door to a fight. Here’s a third choice – laugh about it and let it go. Remind yourself that this is a man that you love and then behave like you love him. Let him have his flaws and relinquish your attempts at controlling his behavior. Committing to a relationship with you shouldn’t mean he has to stop being an individual. Laugh at the way he still hangs onto his youthful, defiant self and delight that he is still young and rebellious at heart. Really, if you had total control over every aspect of your guy, would you still be interested in him? Because if that were the case, it would be like having a closed off relationship with yourself, which is something you can have. Just break up with him, have

no boyfriend, husband or lover and be happy alone and in complete control of your own life. In real life we have no control over anyone else. We can however, exercise control over ourselves in choosing how we want to act or to respond. We can attempt to blame others all day long for our own emotions or for our physical state and there are people around us who would say we’re right to blame that other person. But the truth is, at the end of the day, it was ultimately and is still ultimately your choice about where you place yourself in the world, with whom you choose to place yourself and what you decide to do once you get there. Freedom of choice is the greatest gift we all receive at birth. Our inarguable choice in response to that gift is to delight that we have it ourselves and to respect that others have been given it as well. In the previous chapter I suggested that if you can’t be truly happy, then you should “Fake it ‘til you make it.” After all this, maybe you’re one of those women who really doesn’t want to fake it, even though, let’s face it, we’ve all faked it at some point in our lives. But, you want to be sincere in your good attitude. Still, you’ve read the last few paragraphs and are saying to yourself, “Yeah, all right. But what about those times of the month? Can’t I catch a break?”

Let's

take a moment to talk about bad attitudes and what causes them. The biggest excuse women use for a bad attitude is PMS. In most cases, when a woman uses PMS as an excuse for her attitude, she's really

blaming it on her hormones. What she’s really trying to say is, “My hormones are out of whack. Back off!” This is the widely accepted definition of PMS. But the real definition of PMS is a time frame. It’s the seven to fourteen days before your period where your hormones inside your body adjust to the actions of your uterus and ovaries. It’s not just your behavior during those days. Here's a wakeup call for all women. The behaviors associated with PMS are emotionally rooted, not hormonally. That's right. What you refer to as PMS is an emotional circumstance which is provoked by the hormonal changes in your monthly cycle and not the other way around. Think of it like this: the emotions you express during PMS are like gasoline and the hormonal changes you experience monthly are the matches that light it. People want to believe that PMS is the yelling, screaming, misbehavior that some women exhibit right before their period starts. When in reality, PMS is merely the time frame defining a fluctuation in your hormonal cycle and the yelling, screaming and misbehaving during that period are the responses you were taught to express in response to your emotions as a child. These behaviors rise to the surface during changing hormonal times, but they wouldn't exist in your life at all if you had not been taught this manner of behavior in response to duress. If you had been taught to sit and cope quietly in response to duress instead of yelling and screaming, then that's how you would behave now in response to your emotions during the changes in your monthly cycle instead.

The feelings of anger and rage associated with PMS during your premenstrual cycle are the external results of negative, unresolved internal emotions. These same feelings exist within you every other day during the month, but when your hormones fluctuate, the chemicals in your brain and body shift and instead of exhibiting an ability to cope with your feelings; you express exactly the opposite, an inability to tolerate all unresolved and unpleasant emotions. That's why PMS is such a surprise to everyone, including you. Because when your hormones and brain chemicals are in balance, you are able to control your emotional responses and behave rationally in response to emotional stimuli, even negative stimuli. While, when your chemicals and hormones are out of balance, all tact and emotional moderation flies out the window. The very presence of negative behavior during PMS indicates unresolved emotions compounded by the lessons of bad behavior and hormonal imbalances. NOTE: If your PMS symptoms don’t decrease as you contend with your emotional issues and if you regularly experience heavy period flow and/or bowel movement disruptions along with being disproportionately too cold in your environment or too hot when everyone else is comfortable, then I recommend that you ask your doctor to test your thyroid. One in five women have a thyroid disorder; an estimated statistic which increases for each woman with the onset of perimenopause.

The

symptoms of thyroid dysfunction can mimic the behaviors of PMS and the negative physical and emotional experiences greatly improve with thyroid

medication/therapy. A home based way to preliminarily check to see if you have a thyroid problem is to take your own resting temperature every morning for a week BEFORE you get out of bed. Keep your thermometer by your bed to make this easier. A healthy person will have a temperature between 97.8 and 98.2; then once you get up and get moving, your temperature should rise to the standard 98.6. If your body temperature is below the level of 97.8 when you wake up, then you may well be hypothyroid. If your temperature is above 98.2, then you may be hyperthyroid. If you believe you are either hypothyroid or hyperthyroid, then please see your doctor for a blood test to confirm your initial self diagnosis.

If you are a woman like me who would like to sincerely express happiness, then slow down and think through all of your feelings. Sort out the ones which are making you unhappy that you have learned to systematically ignore and pay them some attention. Make an attempt to resolve them in your mind and in your life so that they won't rear their ugly little heads once a month or several times a month as your body hormonally adapts to itself during your cycle. The results of listening to yourself, of listening to your own feelings and responding with compassion and care are just as important as it is to listen to someone else's feelings and to respond to them with compassion and care.

Another

way to determine how to change your unhappiness into happiness is to sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of all of the activities in your life. List the activities that make you happy and list the ones that don’t. Next to the ones that don’t make you happy, list a possible action you can take which would increase your happiness in those areas and decrease the unhappiness in your life. For example, we all have to work. A lot of us don’t feel happy about this responsibility. We think it would be much better if we could win the lottery and go live on a tropical island somewhere where we would be served fresh fruit and lobster salad all day long. That’s not likely to happen. But taking a two week vacation to a tropical island is likely to happen and so is looking for a job in a field where the experience is more rewarding. If you like music, but you work with an accountant, find a job where you work with music or musicians or in entertainment. If you like helping people, but the people you currently try to help at your job don’t appreciate you, find a job at a children’s hospital or at a hospice. You will constantly be rewarded with gratitude. Do you get the picture? You can change those factors of your life which are making you unhappy so that you can honestly be happy around those you love. It’s all on you to love yourself through your bad choices into better choices and then love the next guy. Even if he won’t put out the trash like you asked him to.

Most women have heard the phrase high maintenance, but what does it really mean? I’ll start by telling you when you’re low maintenance. You’re low maintenance in the beginning of a new relationship. That’s when you really want to please your guy. You want to make him happy so you don’t ask for a lot of attention, because any attention at all from him feels great. And you don’t mandate that he call you at certain times of the day, because you understand that he has a life of his own and you are both busy people. On dates you say things like, “Oh let’s just stop off for a quick shake and fries, because I’m not really hungry.” Making him very happy that he doesn’t have to win you over with a seven course meal at a four star restaurant. You coast along in this euphoric state for a long time… until your man does something that pisses you off. Once you get pissed off suddenly you need to see him or hear from him ALL THE TIME and if your hypoglycemia kicks in while you’re on a date with him, well, he’d just BETTER take you to the best restaurant he can find because you’re pissed off. Suddenly, you’ve gone from low maintenance to high maintenance. A high maintenance woman is an angry woman. This is not a state that men like. They like high quality, but not high maintenance. However, if your man loves you, or just loves having sex with you, he will tolerate this state of existence for awhile. But he will stop tolerating it once he believes that instead of being a “state” this is now his country and he is a citizen of your high maintenance world.

But did he really, deliberately, do something to anger you? Because if so, that means he’s probably not a good guy and you would be better off ending the affair now. Or was it just an innocent misunderstanding that came at the wrong time during your cycle? If that’s the case, then leave this issue behind before he leaves you behind.

DON’T HOLD ON TO ANGER. You should have high standards, but here’s the way to go about having them: YOU live by your high standards. You. You give yourself the quality of experience you desire in life and then when other people don’t give you the same experience, you will simply realize that these people don’t belong in your life and you will release them back into the world, away from you. Trying to force someone to live up to your standards is like pairing up disco with punk rock. It only works if you’re very very forgiving of the obvious clash in cultures, but if you can’t forgive, then the combination will blow up in your face. If you do what it takes to meet your own standards, then it won’t matter as much when other people disappoint you. You may still experience disappointment, but it won’t be that crushing letdown followed by the realization that you have a gaping hole in your life where you wanted that other person to be, when you won’t let them be there happily because they’ve disappointed you. By satisfying your needs for your own high standards, you will leave room for other

people to be themselves and that will work out better for your relationships in the long run.

Another

version of high maintenance requires your man to navigate your emotional expressions in order to remain safe. What does this mean? It means that while you may meet your own high standards physically, you still expect others to rearrange their lives to make room for you emotionally. Or else. By example, it’s like this: You are Vegan. No problem, you cook your own food for both you and your boyfriend. But his parents have invited you to dinner and they are not Vegan. In fact, they think Vegan is a new hybrid of vegetable and not a lifestyle. But you want to meet them, so you go. At dinner, they serve roast beef. You decline the meat, but accept helpings of the vegetables. Then, while everyone is eating, you start a conversation on the abuse that cows suffer at the hands of greedy ranchers. You go into detail about the treacherous conditions cows are subjected to. You do not notice the horrified expressions on the faces of your boyfriend’s parents or the fact that everyone has stopped eating, except you. This is the kind of situation where your boyfriend will have to navigate your high maintenance in order to avoid embarrassment. In this particular circumstance, if your boyfriend knew that his parents’ love for meat and your Veganism would conflict, he might avoid taking you to dinner entirely. Or, prior to arriving, he might feel compelled to plead with you to hold your tongue when it comes

to the plight of cows. Or, he might ask his parents to let him take all of you to a Vegan restaurant for dinner. Whatever his choices could have been, now because of your high maintenance, he can’t just enjoy the dinner because he has to take on additional responsibilities so that the evening doesn’t end badly. A low maintenance woman would do almost all of the same things you did under the same circumstances, except that she would not have brought up the discussion on the plight of the cows in the world at the dinner table. You see? Even though you did not expect his parents to make a Vegan meal for you, you still imposed your standards on them emotionally, forcing them to comply with your opinions in order to be comfortable around you. That’s the kind of high maintenance that requires other people to navigate around your personality in order to avoid difficult situations. This would be where tactfully keeping your thoughts to yourself would allow you to present yourself as low maintenance even though internally you would still retain your strong convictions. It is work for a woman to become less high maintenance, but I have faith that it can happen. Interestingly enough, you’ll see that if you meet your own high maintenance needs while keeping up your high standards, you’ll appear to be low maintenance to your man. What a world!

SATISFACTION 20 Your sexual happiness begins now. Learn about your body. Decide what sexual actions and activities you already like, then determine which ones you would like to try and list which ones you’re on the fence about. If you can do some of the activities on your list at home by yourself, then try them to see if they’re something you would want to do with your man before you introduce them to your relationship. If they require a partner, then try them with your man, but don’t be afraid to say “Stop – it hurts.” or “I’m just not as into this as I thought I would be.” Just because you try something doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it or that you ever have to do it again. In spite of all the outward encouragement this book offers, YOU are and should always be the first last and only word that matters in your sexual life. Never do anything that scares you or makes you feel threatened no matter how badly you would like to pleasure your man. NEVER. Know this; your man will feel pleasure when he gives you pleasure and in pleasing you, he ends up pleasured by you. Men like knowing that they've given their women an orgasm as much if not more than knowing that they too will get one eventually, so you should learn what brings you pleasure so that you can communicate this to your man. Previously, we discussed getting on your guy’s vibe so that you can determine what he likes and how he likes it, but also

let him catch your vibe so that he can learn how to please you. Let’s talk about a few things you can do for yourself to learn about your own sexuality.

Buy a vibrator or a dildo.

They’re not expensive and they are the first step in determining what you may like that will bring you to an orgasm. Don’t be embarrassed. More women have them in their drawers than you could ever imagine. Also, buy lubricant. Our bodies are built like machines, but no machine should have to function without a little oil. Especially as we get older, our bodies just don’t make as much lubrication as they once did. Don’t feel bad about yourself over it. It’s natural and everyone experiences it; just like every man’s penis doesn’t get as hard or get hard as frequently as it once did when he was younger. So buy the lubricant. Then take some time all by yourself when you won’t be interrupted and try out these products. See how they feel on and in various areas of your body. Taste the lubricant, (don’t drink it though) if you don’t like the way it tastes or smells, buy one that you do like. Adult stores have a wide selection of these products to choose from. Or if you don’t want to go into an adult store, shop online. Read the reviews on a product to see if it’s something you might like. Then try the product and form your own opinion.

Do you know where your g-spot is?

Let me briefly tell you. It’s up inside of your vagina, just past the pelvic bone past the entrance to your vagina, a place you can feel if you finger yourself. Take two fingers and insert

them deep into your vagina with the pad side of your fingers facing up so that you can see your fingerprints as you insert your fingers. Insert your fingers in and then feel up and forward as if you are trying to reach your belly button with your fingertips. On the inside forward wall of your vagina, closest to the area just above your pelvic bone and about 4-5 inches below your belly button you will feel a slightly rough patch in the midst of all of the very soft tissue in your vaginal canal. The rough spot that feels like a tiny washboard is your g-spot. That’s the spot where ideally a man’s penis should hit when he’s having sex with you if you want to maximize your pleasure. That’s why a lot of women like to have sex sitting up, straddling their man or like to be entered from behind during sex; because there’s a better likelihood that the head or the shaft of your man’s cock will hit that spot as he’s having sex with you. Learn what stimulates your own personal gspot. Use your fingers, a vibrator or a dildo to determine what motion stimulates this spot the most. Think outside of the box (so to speak). You can finger yourself or ask your man to finger you straight in, or at an angle, or you or your man’s fingers can rotate in a circular motion to stimulate your g-spot. Whatever feels great to you is what’s right for you. FYI – Many men have used the fine art of fingering as a barometer prior to sex to see if a woman is lubricated enough for intercourse. Work to change this pattern in your own sex life, because when fingering is done with the intention of bringing a woman to orgasm, the experience can be as amazing as the sex itself. If your man is using his fingers to stimulate you inside of your vagina, show him that the proper way to do it is to use the first two fingers on his hand and to insert them

palm side up as he’s looking at you. Then he needs to stretch his fingers up and forward to reach that rough spot inside of you to stroke your g-spot in a come hither motion. Practice the finger motion when you’re by yourself so that you can show him how it’s done. The palm of your hand (or his) should be facing towards the sky (up) and then the first two fingers are inserted and they should move as if you are gesturing to someone to “come over to you” with the fingertips curling inward in a constant motion towards the palm of your hand.

This is not something to lose sleep over, but if you're older or if you've had babies, then it’s possible that your vaginal muscles have become more relaxed. That’s ok, because all of our bodies change and having your vaginal muscles relax is just another change in your body that many women experience. One way to offset this change is to exercise your Kegel muscles. You may be asking yourself, “What are those? I'm not German.” Kegel muscles are the muscles that tighten the inside of your vagina. A woman will use these muscles when her man is moving inside of her to increase the sexual pleasure for both of them. The way to work out your Kegel muscles is to squeeze your vagina closed using those muscles. In order to check to make sure that you are using those muscles, put your finger inside of your vagina to feel that your muscles are squeezing. If you’re still confused about how to work those muscles, then try this to become familiar with which muscles you need to use. When you sit down to pee, stop your peeing midstream, before you are finished. The muscles you

use to stop your pee are the same Kegel muscles you use to strengthen your vagina. So when you stop your pee, you are using those muscles. It may take some practice to learn how to work these muscles, so don’t get defeated. Once you know which muscles they are and how to work them out, you can work them out undetected in almost any situation where you sit or stand. And in working them out, you will keep the most important destination on your body for your sexual pleasure in shape.

Masturbate.

Fantasize. Watch porn. All by yourself. Determine what turns you on. What method of touch makes you hot, what method makes you cum. If the last porn you watched was from the 70s and had some sleazy guy in a leisure suit in it and you cringe when you hear the word porn, then you need to see the porn today as it’s directed by women! It’s romantic, it has a plot and it has hot, sexy guys! We women get all the pressure despite what men think. We have to be seductive, satisfying and able to be satisfied by our man. What woman hasn’t at one time in her life heard her man say, “I want to make you cum.” And thought “Great, I don’t know how that’s likely to happen now that you’ve said it when I already know that you don’t have what it takes to make it happen.” Learn what it takes to make yourself cum and then when your man says this to you, you can respond with “Great! Here’s what I want you to do.” You’ll be surprised at how receptive your man will be even though you may think you sound bossy.

Supermodel

Paulina Porizkova once said in an interview that she had the best sex in the world. At the time, I didn’t know if I wanted her confidence, or to have great sex, but I determined that one day, I would be a woman who could say that as well. Let me start by saying that the first thing you should have regarding sex for yourself, is a STANDARD. Determine what you want before you have sex and set your standards to achieve it, because no one knows what you want or what will please you, better than you. Your standard can be established according to the sexual experience itself or by the qualities you desire in another person. My standards have ranged from penis preference, to how I like a man to groom, to exactly how and how often he makes love to me.

There are women who mandate that their men must orally pleasure them before they are allowed to have intercourse with them. It's their standard. I love this practice, but it can be challenging for me to ask to be singularly satisfied without feeling selfish. Historically, oral sex has been used as a means of foreplay, with those who enjoy the sexual pleasure of oral sex until orgasm being defined as selfish. It’s not selfish for a woman to want to have an orgasm first and the upside is that you can experience an orgasm now orally and also have one later on during intercourse, because women can have multiple orgasms; a feat that very few men can pull off. If you're a woman who desires oral sex prior to intercourse, then ask for it before your guy gets past thinking about singularly pleasing you and is ready for collaborative activity.

Some women make this request by boldly pulling their man’s head right down between their legs and putting him to work before any other “magic” is allowed to happen. If your man doesn’t know what to do or how to do it to you, then guide him. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself. Tell him exactly how you like your pussy licked, nibbled or sucked. Tell him if he’s doing it fast enough, or slow enough. If he’s not on the right vibe, then pull him up to your lips and kiss him in a way that will send him shaking back down between your legs to please you correctly. Whatever you do, don’t cheat yourself. At least occasionally, encourage your man to give you oral pleasure until you cum. If you want him to use his fingers in you while he does it, then show him the “come hither” motion necessary to reach your g-spot that will stimulate you to an orgasm. Or better yet, teach him how to use his fingers inside both your vagina and your ass to create the orgasmic trifecta, a move you’ll learn how to perfect later in this book. But don’t feel guilty that you’re not reciprocating and don’t stop yourself from having an orgasm so that he can have sex too.

MEN DON’T DO IT LIKE THAT. When a man is receiving oral sex he wants a woman to continue until he cums and he expects you to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Now, why shouldn’t you expect the same from him? Most women don’t think like this or naturally behave this way. We generally let a guy go down on us for maybe 15 minutes, until he starts saying things like “Baby, I really want you to cum. What’s it going to

take?” When we’re not prepared to respond, most guys give up and we let them. Be prepared to tell him what it will take to make you cum and then encourage him to keep going until you do so.

YOU DESERVE THIS. Here’s something you probably already know about yourself. You have to be relaxed and be able to trust in the situation in order to enjoy oral sex. It takes a more relaxed environment and what seems like a longer, more diligent effort by your man, for you to cum. Set your standards to expect that those factors will all be put into place by your man so that you can have an orgasm during oral sex. It’s not too much to ask for. In all fairness, get to know yourself down there. Get to know what you smell like, how to keep your hair trimmed or waxed and most importantly, what action it takes to make you cum. That way, you can intimately instruct him on what to do to you so that you can cum in his mouth. After all, fair’s fair.

But why limit great sex to oral?

I like having orgasms before, during and after intercourse and since God has blessed me with the ability to have multiple orgasms, why shouldn’t I have as many as I can? Whatever you choose, I have to encourage that you strategize to make it happen. Communicate with your guy in a seductive manner. Say things like, “I like it like this baby.” Or, “Put your fingers here and do it like this; rub it like this; pinch or stroke it like this.”

Seduction is the best method of communication to get what you want. Men aren’t born with an inherent understanding of the female body. And since we already know that they hate asking for directions, then you have to provide the directions for them. Don’t be misled; guys don’t talk to each other about this stuff. They don’t share sexual “trade secrets” with each other about how to make their women cum. They just let other guys think that they already know what they’re doing, the same way men let you think they can get somewhere without using the GPS system. They can’t, until you tell them or show them. So do both.

It never hurts to have a visual aide.

So masturbate in front of your guy. Trust me, he will love it. Show him how you touch yourself so that he can learn how to touch you. Let him try. Give him encouragement. Communicate your desires to him; whether they are as seductive as nibbling on your neck or as explicit as having him go down on you from behind, because it’s all about you having the best sex in the world. Be specific and tell him what he does to you that you love. Be loud. Moan and talk to him during sex to show your pleasure, men like that. Set your standards high and rely on his ego to meet your standards. Men don’t like to fail. Use that in your favor. Know that you deserve to have the best sex he can give you as often as he can give it to you. Show him how to give it to you and then expect to receive it. That’s how Paulina would do it.

Some guys don’t want to be told what to do so don’t waste your time talking to them if they don’t want to hear it. Instead, while you’re having sex, be your own best partner. If you love your guy but he doesn’t always do it for you, then fantasize. I personally like Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp or both, but you may be a Jimmy Kimmel, Blair Underwood or even a Vanessa Williams gal. I know what you’re thinking, “He’ll know! My guy will know I’m fantasizing!” I know, I know. I used to think that too. But really, he doesn’t. I thought I’d get busted for my thoughts. But surprise surprise... your thoughts are your own! You can think what you want during sex and he won’t know what you’re thinking.

Likewise,

if your guy has a habit of finishing and leaving you unsatisfied and you don’t want to find a new guy, then satisfy yourself. You can decide whether you want to do this discreetly or brazenly. Discreetly would be to go into the bathroom to do it or if he goes to the bathroom then you can remain in bed and use your fingers, a dildo or a vibrator to bring yourself to orgasm. Brazenly would be to do the same thing while he’s post coitally catching his breath. Let him lay there and pant. You’re on your way to an orgasm! Be strong. Having sex isn’t just an act we undertake to please men and hopefully, by some twist of fate, we end up with an orgasm. It’s an equal effort. So stand your ground on your standards so you too can say, “I have the best sex in the world.” Thanks Paulina! Now here’s just a little suggestion. You may need to work up to it either by yourself or with your man, but I

guarantee once you get there you’ll go back to it again and again.

I

call it the orgasmic trifecta. Before doing it, I should explain how it is important in relation to our bodies. Obviously, women have nerves right at the surface in their most sensitive vaginal area. However, what most women don’t know is that each of the three separate areas of nerves can, under the right circumstances, generate an orgasm. But not just the same feeling of orgasm; each area can individually generate an orgasm that feels completely unique when compared to the feeling of orgasm generated by any of the other two areas. The three areas where you can have an orgasm are: the inside of the vagina where the g-spot is, the clitoris/labia and the anus/rectal area. If any one of these areas is stimulated properly, an orgasm can be attained. So whether you’re having sex alone or with your man, stimulating any two or more of these areas will radically enhance your sexual experience. But if you want to experience the Trifecta, stimulate all of these places simultaneously. I know it sounds like it could be difficult. But, it’s less difficult than you’d imagine. Using your man, here’s the way it goes. While his penis is inside of your vagina he will naturally cup your ass with his hands. One of his hands should slide closer to your asshole where he can gently massage your asshole and then slide a finger into it. As he’s doing this, you reach between your legs and massage your clitoris. With him inside of you moving and his finger in your ass and you massaging your

clitoris, I’d be surprised if you don’t go through the roof with your Trifecta orgasm. The only thing that might interrupt your pleasure is if you try too hard to set this scenario up. The Trifecta success is a combination of strategy and action – knowing where to stimulate yourself and then stimulating those places in a manner that adds to the excitement of your sex instead of interrupting it with instruction. So practice reaching to those places while you’re having sex or when you’re masturbating and then it will become easy to reach them all while you’re having sex with your lover so that you can win the Trifecta! Be a winner and win the Orgasmic Trifecta for yourself!

WHY CAN’T I BE YOU? 21 For everything that’s been said, it now must also be said that more than the phrase, “That will make you look fat.” women hate to hear the word NO. Even as we learn to accept new truths about our men, we must also face certain truths within our own lives. Embedded deep in our psyche, probably as a genetic predisposition, is a dislike for the word NO and the desire to hear the word YES in response to any requests we may make. As much as it could be agreed upon that men feel the same way, many men don’t like to use the word YES when responding to a woman if it means they have to make any effort whatsoever for that YES to happen. Despite the respect I believe we should all have for each other’s thoughts, desires and boundaries, this chapter is about being the women that we are. The ones who like to hear the word YES. And in being these women, this chapter will teach you how to live that reality to its fullest; regardless of respect. Why not? Consider it the icing on the cake. That extra dollop of lavender sugar fashioned into a rose that we know good and well we shouldn’t eat, but who’s going to stop us? So eat up this philosophy. When does "NO" really mean NO? Does the word NO ever really mean NO when it's uttered by a man? Think

about the Garden of Eden. NO was supposed to mean NO. But through the delights of her body and the skills of her mind, Eve was able to convince Adam that his NO to her was just a deferred YES. You don't have to date a guy named Adam to get the same results from your man. Let's talk about the word NO and what it's meant to men historically whenever it's been said by a woman. In plain speak it's meant YES. That's right, for eras upon eras whenever a woman has said the word NO to a man, he's reinterpreted that NO to mean (in a rare instance using many more words) “That she doesn't really know what she wants and she has no idea how great it would be if she said yes, so even though she's said the word no, it really means yes, so I'll act on what I think she really means instead of what she's saying. She said no, but she really means yes.” Unfortunately, this is how date rape came to be. But it's time to turn the tables. High time. Here's how you need to think in order to make this happen. Instead of accepting the word NO at its face value, which means the buck stops here and you aren't getting anything more, use the reverse interpretation that men have used for centuries or maybe ever since Eve taught Adam how to reinterpret his own response. Think NO means YES. Why not? We women may very likely be the horse's mouth on where reinterpreting the word NO came from, while men became the horse's other end for

using that reinterpretation destructively.

indiscriminately

and

The way to think about the word NO is to think about it as a deferred YES. That's right. You heard me. NO does not mean NO and is not a permanent thought. It is merely a NO that is waiting for the Fairy Godmother of negotiation to change it into a YES. I’ll say it again. A NO is not a NO - it is a deferred YES! It works like this; when a man tells you no, instead of accepting it and walking away from your request disappointed, be it sexual, financial, emotional, visiting your Mother or undertaking that remodeling project you want for your home, ask him this question: “What will it take to make your answer yes instead of no?” If he laughs like he's dismissing you, which he might do, ask it again. What will it take to make your answer YES instead of NO? Surprisingly, the wall that has surrounded his inner thoughts up to this point should now crack wide open and he will answer you with a response that will start a discussion, or rather a debate of sorts on goods versus services and the availability of both. But if he doesn’t crack right away, then keep asking the question (What will it take….) until he does crack. Once his defiance to saying YES cracks, it means you are now in the door instead of on the other side of it hearing the finality of the word NO. Now, he will tell you what it will take to hear YES from him and it will be a big answer. One

that may sound like he’s trying to verbally knock you down, because that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. Recognize that as outrageous as his initial response will be, it is also merely a jumping off point for negotiations. So… DON'T BE INTIMIDATED. Listen calmly to his first demand. He's making it big and irrational because he really doesn't expect you to do anything more in response than to be overwhelmed by it and to resign yourself back to his original answer of NO. Instead, as you listen, think about how many of his initial demands you could possibly agree to and respond to his demands by stating the points that you can meet and telling him the points you won’t meet. If you are willing to meet all of his demands, then meet his demands. You can now expect him to respond to your original request with a resounding YES. Negotiations over. Everyone’s happy. However, if you find that you have to continue negotiating, then do so, but whatever you do, don’t respond emotionally and don't emotionally judge the points of his demands. Meaning, don't respond by saying, “I can do this, but this other request is outrageous, you must be out of your mind to say that! You’re making me feel….” Once you bring emotion into the negotiations you have as much as folded on your hand. And he knows this. So leave your emotions at the door and remind yourself that the point you are trying to reach is a YES in response to your original request and that to allow yourself the luxury of letting your emotions color your negotiations

would mean you are willing to forfeit your bigger goal. During the negotiations, answer him with fact and capability and continue to do so until the two of you have reached an agreement and he’s saying YES. If your guy is sharp, he'll realize that you've changed his NO to a YES with your negotiations. It's better if he doesn't realize it. That way you can barter through all future NOs to YES' on other issues with ease. When he's sharp, you can still barter your way to a more agreeable outcome, but then he might enjoy the negotiations too much and he may challenge you more during the negotiations just to see what he can get from you in addition to whatever it initially takes for you to change his NO to a YES. This may be cheating, but if you really want to guarantee that his NO changes into a YES, then use your new powers of negotiation on your man while he’s caught up in his sexual desire for you. Ask him for what you want before you have sex with him, right before, when he wants you and he will agree to anything to have you. In fact, you could make him agree to anything before he can have you. Like I said, it’s cheating, but…. Men have used the power of the word YES in their favor for a long time. Given that the word itself could actually be credited to Eve, way back at the dawn of time, it’s long past time we women reclaim our natural heritage and use it to our own full advantage.

SURRENDER 22 Women and men all migrate towards each other for one of two reasons beyond the desire for sex and companionship. One, we subconsciously search for someone who will help us work through an unresolved issue in our life, like a particular fear or past experience; or two, we end up falling in love with a person who behaves like our parent – for men it’s their Mother, for women it’s our Father. It's a fact. As a woman, you may have had an absentee Father who was a closeted homosexual and you never knew him, but due to your genetic predisposition to find someone like your Father, you will find yourself unnaturally attracted to a person who appears to have unanswered homosexual tendencies and who may have a habit of abandoning you when you need him the most. Or, if it’s a man we’re talking about, he may say that he hates the way his Mother talks all the time about pointless things; so out of respect for his repulsion to this quality you are silent around him because you want him to love you. But your relationship may end with him breaking up with you to marry a chatty woman. A situation which leaves you mystified, since he said he didn’t like women who were like that. Actually as I write this I realize that “two” may be more like “one” than I thought. If the Universe determines that you are not yet ready for that one great and lasting love, you will have what I call Issue Relationships. These are relationships where

you end up coming face to face with whatever unresolved issues there are in your life. Do you have low self esteem? Meet the guy who will have lower self esteem than you do and who will create unpleasant situations in your life until you understand how to improve your own self esteem and can honestly leave this relationship behind. Are you compulsive? Meet the mirror of a man whose compulsions and need for immediate gratification will exceed yours until you learn restraint. Problems being honest? Here’s the liar in your life. Answer? Learn how to see the truth in yourself and how to express yourself more truthfully. What about a traumatic experience that you just never really got over? Unfortunately you will meet a man who will bring up the memories of that experience. It may be that he has been through something similar or he may encompass some of the qualities that the people who provoked the experience in your life had. In this case, I strongly suggest that you pursue some counseling or join a support group who will compassionately aid you in healing from the trauma you have experienced. We can all run away from our problems, the problem is, we usually end up running right into them while we’re running away. Whatever your unresolved issues, you will end up confronting them in your relationships until you resolve them. Obviously we would rather enjoy our relationships, so here’s one way to handle things: Face yourself and your life head on. Learn to look at yourself honestly and to deal with whatever your issues are realistically so that you can resolve them

before the Universe puts a mirror relationship in front of you forcing you to resolve them when you would rather be in love. In response to the parental factor in a relationship, make lemonade out of the lemons. If your Father was absent, try to find a nurturing way to encourage your man to remain present. If your man is more experimental in his sexuality, then use that to create a dynamic sex life for yourself. For your partner, if his Mother was too chatty, you can be chatty too, but say informative things rather than making empty, mindless chatter.

Surrendering

is the best way to let go of the unpleasant experiences. It’s using the Laws of Physics in your favor. In Physics, you use opposing energy to advance your own efforts. It’s like this; if you are in a fight and someone throws a punch at you and you stand your ground and the punch connects with you, you will get hurt and your desire will be to disarm the other person because getting hurt is not in your favor. But, if you use the Laws of Physics and grab their wrist as they punch, pulling their punching arm towards you while you step out of the way of the punch, then you pull them off balance, effectively disarming them and avoiding injury by using their own force in your favor. Use the Laws of Physics in your relationship to cooperate with the opposing efforts of your man in order to disarm him. If your man likes to go off by himself and the two of you usually fight over that choice, then instead of fighting him, exercise the Laws of Physics by letting him go and using the time you’ll have alone to do things that will make you happy.

Instead of pushing against his offense, pull it towards you as a benefit, so that everyone wins. We all love to fall in love and while no relationship in life is perfect and we all fall while we’re trying to get along, there’s a way you can fall forward in order to be happy with the results of having fallen at all.

I

have to say it again... men are the way they are; regardless of their upbringing or their moral or intellectual endeavors. Despite how they’d like to be, they still just are the way they are and there are three things they need to make them happy. These are: 1) For you to be happy with them and around them, because your happiness really does mean everything to them. 2) For you to let them be themselves sometimes, even if the way they are upsets you, because they need to like themselves as much as they like you. 3) And, for you to have sex with them as often as possible, because as I’ve been told, men need to have sex in order to keep feeling like men. It’s in their genes. I know, now you might be thinking about Chapter 8, but get your mind back to a higher place. That was not a cheeky comment. (And neither was that one.)

It’s been said that you can end up kissing a lot of frogs on your way to finding Prince Charming. Some of us, myself included, fall madly in love with those adorable little green monsters and have relationships with them

instead of continuing the search for Mr. Right. There are also women like me, who fall in love with a pair of size 7½, Stuart Weitzman shoes and spend $400 dollars on them even though we are without question, a size 8. We then happily wear the wrong size shoes to every major event in our life until one day we realize that those little corns on our pinkies would be much more comfortable in a pair of boots. So, we find a pair to slip into. Just like someday, we stop dating the wrong guys and find the right relationship to slip into. This book is for you, for us. The eternal optimists. The ones who make lemonade out of lemons. For the rest of you who are having the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie true love experience, you probably don't need this book. But then again, you might.

The last freakish truth I have to tell you is that you can tell if your guy is in love with you if he doesn’t want to “do” anything with you but hang out. Seriously. If your guy likes to stay home next to you on the sofa or in bed, eating pizza, occasionally making out and watching TV (even if it’s Sportscenter) then you can rest assured that he’s in love with you. So think about this the next time you complain that he doesn’t love you enough to take you anywhere. Maybe he does love you enough already and you’re exactly where he wants you both to be. Use the tools in this book as you see fit. Enjoy the privileges of being the woman you are and I guarantee you will have your lifetime of happiness, wherever you are and whether you’re involved with a man, or not. Get it? Got it? Good.

P.S. – several final thoughts... Water sex sounds sexier than it is. Sex in the water washes off your lubricant and trying to maintain a standard position without drowning can be difficult. Next, maintain your own interests when you enter a relationship and become interested in new things. Your man is attracted to you because he finds you interesting. So remain interesting. Don’t become a disinteresting pale shadow of who he is once you express interest in each other. More than anything we need to support ourselves by supporting other women. Inherently, women have different needs and desires than men. We can make changes and use new methods of communication with men, but deep down inside the unique way we live our lives works for us and the only other people who truly understand that, are other women. So smile at each other. Listen to one another when one of us needs to talk things out before she returns to her relationship. And let’s create a movement of women who are united in our compassion and comprehension of what it takes to live happily with the men we love. Lastly, if you think you’re too old for this book, then think about this. Are you too old to fall in love? I hope not. My Mother, who’s 70 read this book and then reread this book and then asked me if she could find flavored condoms at Target. If she’s considered too old, then I can only hope I grow old like her. ...ommm...

SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI

CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE… Chapter Titles/Tracks inspired by: COME TOGETHER by The Beatles DO YA by Electric Light Orchestra MY SHARONA by The Knack OBSESSSION by Animotion I WANT YOU TO WANT ME by Cheap Trick WHAT IS LOVE by Haddaway TALK TALK by Talk Talk GROOVE IS IN THE HEART by Deee-Lite I AM WOMAN by Helen Reddy MORE THAN A FEELING by Boston RAPTURE by Blondie BACKDOOR MAN by The Doors SAFETY DANCE by Men Without Hats DESPERATE, BUT NOT SERIOUS by Adam Ant LIVE AND LET DIE by Paul McCartney & Wings CHERRY BOMB by The Runaways COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN by Led Zeppelin PAINT IT BLACK by The Rolling Stones YOUR CHEATIN’ HEART by Hank Williams CANDIDATE by Dramarama DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY by Bobby McFerrin ON A PLAIN by Nirvana SATISFACTION by The Rolling Stones WHY CAN’T I BE YOU by The Cure SURRENDER by Cheap Trick NO MORE WORDS by Berlin NEVER SAY NEVER by Romeo Void

Quotes References Credits… Recommendations THE DEPARTED distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures NEVER SAY NEVER written by Debora Iyall recorded by Romeo Void ISLE OF BEAUTY written by Thomas Haynes Bayly THE RULES written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM written by Susan Forward Ph.D. and Joan Torres “YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY!” ad campaign in the 1970s for Virginia Slims

NO MORE WORDS GLOSSARY 24/7 – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week 69 – where both parties give and receive oral sex simultaneously Abhors – to regard with loathing, to detest Acclimate – adjust Accoutrements – accessories, trappings Achilles Tendons – the area of the leg at the back above the heel of the foot Adam – the first man on the Earth Advocate – supporter of your beliefs; to advocate, means to support, to endorse Adult Store – a store that sells sexual products Altoids – a strong breath mint imported from England Amortizes – to reduce the impact something makes by spreading out its impact over an increased period of time Anal – the area of the asshole on a person’s body Anal Sex – sex where the penetration of the man’s penis is in his partner’s asshole Angelina Jolie – HOT actress better known for her outrageousness Anonymous – identity unknown Anus – asshole Asexually – unaffected by sexuality Ashram – a religious retreat Asshole – anus Autoerotic Stimulation or Asphyxiation – the act of choking another person for sexual pleasure Backdoor – slang term for your anus/asshole Backsliding – to fall back into old patterns of behavior or choice Badonkadonk – slang for a large butt Balk, Balked – to stop short and refuse to go on Ball Sack – the scrotum or sack of skin which contains a man’s testicles Banter – to joke with or tease Barter – to bargain for by trading Beguiling – charming Benoit Balls – small balls of increasing size that you tuck up into your anus or your partner’s anus and then as you orgasm, you pull them out Bicker – to mildly argue Biohazardous – damaging to the environment, toxic Bitch – in this book it is a degrading term for a woman Blair Underwood – HOT actor Blanche DuBois – a risqué character in the play, film and book A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE Blow Job – a sexual act where a man’s penis is sucked Bluff Hand – a hand dealt in poker which amounts to nothing, but the player plays the hand as if it’s a winning hand; he lies

Blunt – honest, forthright without emotional consideration Boggles – confuses Bowel Movement – the act of pooping Brad Pitt – hot actor better known for his relationships w/women Breach – to break or rupture in order to enter Bull’s Eye – in this book another name for a man’s dick Cerebral, Cerebrally – smart, thinking, mental Certifiable – legally committable to a mental institution Chatty – a person who talks too much Cheeky – saucy, flippant Chemical Imbalance – when natural hormones or glands do not function in a healthful manner causing emotional or physical problems Chemistry – the sexual response between a man and a woman Chip – a means of wagering a bet in poker Clit – slang for a woman’s clitoris Clitoris – the tiny area of flesh that surrounds and protects a woman’s urethra Clogs – a chunky, clunky, mostly wooden shoe that has an open heel and a covered toe/front foot, but is not considered a sexy shoe despite the open heel Closeted – a person who is “in the closet” aka hiding some facet of their personality Codependency – a state where one person is emotionally reliant on aiding another person who is emotionally debilitated Cock – a man’s penis Cock Rings – a round ring of rubber or fabric that is used to stem the blood flow from a man’s penis once he is erect Colon – the end section of the large intestine where waste passes through before it exits your body Come, verb - in this book the act of orgasm Come Hither – to call someone over to you Commitmentphobic – a person who is so afraid of committing to a situation that they appear ill with fear Compartmentalize – to segregate thoughts or actions into singular experiences not connected to any other experience Compulsion – an act of immediate gratification Compulsive – a person who acts on impulse Condom – the thin rubber sleeve inserted on a man’s penis to afford protection from STDs and pregnancy during sex Confidante – a person you confide your secrets to Conjunction – a combination of events or circumstances Consensual - meaning all parties involved are of legal age Contender – one of the fighters in a bout Copasetic – satisfying, satisfactory Coupling – two of the same sort considered together, a pair Counseling – emotional therapy Critical Examination – the dissection of an event or theory to the point that you disassemble it entirely in order to see all of its sides

Cum – the fluid which is ejaculated from the penis of a man or the vagina on a woman when either one experiences orgasm to ejaculate or orgasm; also the act of orgasm; in some places in this book it’s spelled come Cutting Edge – on the forefront, usually of change Date Rape – the act of rape undertaken during an agreed upon social engagement; the woman agrees to the date, but does not agree to sex and is raped against her will Deep Throat – to take the entire length of a penis into your mouth and throat Deferred – to put off, to delay Demeanor – attitude Deprive – deny yourself or another physical gratification Derailed – redirected from a set course Detractor – to take away from Detriment – loss or disadvantage Devolve – to degenerate or deteriorate gradually Diagnosis – a medical determination of your body based on symptoms you are experiencing Digression, Digress – to interrupt the current thought in order to discuss a different thought Dilate – to spread out, to expand Dildo – a form, usually rubber which resembles a man’s penis Dis – to dismiss, to disregard Disarm – to take away the weapon of an opponent Doggy Style – sex where the man approaches and enters the woman from behind Dominance – control over another Duress – stress Ego – conceit, self importance Ejaculation – when a man experiences orgasm; some women can ejaculate too Elude – to escape the understanding of Empowered – to supply with ability, to enable Emulate – to imitate Enact – to do Encompass – to encircle, to envelop Enema – the act of flushing out excrement from your colon Enticement – to lead into a situation using desire Entourage – a group of associates Envision – to picture in the mind Era – a period of time Erotic – sexual Erogenous Zone – an area especially sensitive to sexual stimulation Erratic – frantic, an inexplicable behavior Escapades - adventures Esophagus – the tube which connects your throat to your stomach Euphoric – an extreme feeling of happiness Eve – the first woman on the Earth Evolve – to develop gradually Excel – to do extremely well Exchangeable – exchanged, interchangeable

Executing – to do Exemplified – shown by example Exhibitionist – a person who behaves in ways to attract attention Existentially – specifically relating to your existence Experiment – try Exponentially – evolving equally in relation to other factors Fake It ‘Til You Make It – pretend to do something until you can really do it Feigning – faking Feminists – the members of the Women’s Liberation Movement Finger - to insert your finger in an area on a person’s body Finger F*cking – to simulate intercourse using your finger or fingers Fissures – small splits in your skin that are painful and may bleed Flaccid – limp, lifeless Flatulence – gas, farting Fledgling – new Fluctuate – to change Fluid – a graceful movement in this book Forearms – the area on the arm between the wrist and elbow Foreplay – the time spent before the actual act of intercourse where one or both partners are titillated into a state of arousal Forward Progress –in football the progress of the ball is measured where it touches the ground even if the player is tackled behind it Formative Years – the years between age o-6 for a child Forthcoming – open, offering up something without being asked Fort Knox – the place in the country where the United States’ gold is stored Forward Progress – a term used in football to denote that even though a play does not result in a touchdown, it gained yards and therefore was not a waste of effort Frisky – playful, in this book as a precursor to sexual activity F*ck – slang word for the act of having sex Furtive – sly, shifty G-Spot – the spot on a woman or a man which when stimulated markedly heightens their sexual response G-String – a slender piece of - usually fabric or it can be other materials like chain or beads – that is the back of a pair of underwear – the G String does not cover your backside, but fits all the way up into the crack of your behind securing the panties in place Garden of Eden – the place where God placed Adam and Eve to live Genetic Predisposition – a circumstance of your mind or body which is inherited through your genes or chromosomes and is not taught to you Go Down on a man or woman – to give that person oral sex Golden Showers - the act of peeing on another person for sexual pleasure Good On Paper – means when you write down his qualifications he seems like a better guy than he represents in person Gourmet – high quality or exotic GPS System – a system used for tracking and for generating directions to a specific location Groin – the pubic area Guise – general external appearance

Hand Job – to masturbate a man using your hand Happy Finish – a phrase to indicate sexual satisfaction, generally used in reference to sexual satisfaction after a massage Hard or Hard On – in this book it means an erection on a man Head, verb; to give - a sexual act where someone sucks on a man’s penis Head, noun – the very top helmet shaped part of a man’s penis that is attached to the shaft (longer part) of his penis Hepatitis – a disease of the blood which negatively affects the liver, transmitted to blood or semen Hickey – a bruise caused by sucking on another person’s skin High Maintenance – a person or situation that requires a significant amount of effort or attention HIV – the viral precursor to the disease AIDS, transmitted through blood or semen, intravenously or by intimate sexual contact Homosexual – a person who is attracted to the same sex Hooker – a prostitute Hormones – secretions in your body that regulate your moods and subsequently your choice of activity Hyperthyroid – a physical condition where the thyroid gland produces too much thyroid hormone Hypocritical – a person whose actions are the opposite of their beliefs Hypoglycemia – low blood sugar condition Hypothyroid – a physical condition where the thyroid gland does not produce enough thyroid hormone Icon – Image, in this context means the image of the quintessential person Idyllic – blissful and wonderful Ill Prepared – not ready Imperceptibly – very slight, gradual, or subtle Imprint – a mark made by pressure Incumbent – currently holding a specified office Indiscriminately – lacking in judgment or selectivity Inept – unskilled, incapable Inexplicably – without explanation Ingrained – deep rooted Initially, Initiate – the start, to start Integral – necessary to the completeness of the whole Interchangeable – capable of replacing another Intercourse – sex with penetration Intimacy Abuse – hurting someone emotionally or sexually Intuition – a direct perception of truth using the mind Investment – an amount or quantity of time or money given to a situation, person or activity Irony, Ironically – an outcome of events or words contrary to what was expected Issue – a topic or circumstance or discussion Jellyfish – a gelatinous mass that lives in the sea and stings to protect itself Jerk Off – the act of masturbating, stroking a man’s penis Jimmy Kimmel – late night talk show host Johnny Depp – SUPERHOT actor

Jumping Off Point – a starting point Junky – one who has an insatiable interest or devotion Kegel, Kegel Muscles – pelvic muscles used to increase sexual pleasure and to control incontinence Key – important Labia – the liplike part of a woman’s genitals Lambskin – made from the skin of a lamb Latex – rubber Leftovers – food that remains from the previous meals Libido – sex drive Lie Of Omission – when you could tell the truth but say nothing instead Lieu – instead of Lifeline – the crease on a palm which begins at the wrist and continues with dissecting heart and head lines up to just under the fingers Literally – actually, without exaggeration Loony – lunatic; insane Low Maintenance – a person or circumstance that requires very little effort or attention Lube – short for lubricant Lubricant – a slippery substance, oil or water based which enhances sexual pleasure Lubricate – to make slippery Mad Dog Eye – a very mean, intimidating look Magic, as in where the magic happens – means sex Maligned – showing malice or ill will Mandate – demand without negotiation Masturbating – the act of pleasuring yourself sexually Mediocre – rather poor or inferior Midlife Crisis – a period in the 40s to 50s where adults attempts to recapture the experiences of youth through immature behavior Migrate – to move to a new location Misperception – to misunderstand Mimic – to copy Missionary Position – a sexual position where the woman is laying on her back and the man is on top Moderation – temperance, avoiding excesses Molestation – to assault sexually Monogamy – sex with one person in the context of a relationship Morality – conforming to the rules of proper conduct Multiple Orgasms – the ability to have many orgasms in a row Negotiations – mutual discussion of the terms of a transaction or agreement Obsession – dominance of one’s thoughts or feelings with a persistent desire Ode - a ballad, a dedication Offset – something that counterbalances Old School – supportive of a past custom Omission – to leave something out One Night Stand – when you have sex with someone the night you meet them and don’t end up involved in a relationship with them Oozes – seeps uncontrollably

Oprah – famous famous famous talk show host Oral Sex or Oral – when you use your mouth to stimulate another person’s sex organs Organ – another term for a sexual appendage like the penis Orgasm – the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual stimulation to a man’s or woman’s sexual organs; for men it is accompanied by ejaculation Orgy, Orgies – sex where more than three people are participants Origami – Asian artistry where small squares of paper are folded into objects like flowers or animals Orlando Bloom – HOT actor Package – in this book it refers to the penis, balls and scrotum on a man Paper Covers Rock – part of the rock, paper, scissors game Parable – a story told to illustrate some other truth in life Patented – when an act or object is registered by the inventor Pathological – acting without conscience or recognition of consequence Paulina Porizkova – a supermodel from the 80s Pects – pectoral areas; the muscles around the breast area Pedigree – certification that someone or something is of a certain class Perimenopause – the window of time, usually about 15 years before a woman enters menopause, where the symptoms of menopause come and go Personal Resources – your spirit, your inner emotions Pervasive – to spread throughout all parts Philosophical, Philosophy – an investigation of the truths or being, knowledge and conduct Phys. Ed., P.E. – Physical Education Physics, as in Laws of – combinations of philosophy and scientific fact in which the result is traceable Pisses, as in he pisses me off – angers Play Action – in this book it’s another term for sex Play Him Out – a term used in fishing to denote that while you have already caught the fish on your hook, you let him swim away with your line attached to him creating the delusion for the fish that he’s still free PMS – Premenstrual Syndrome, it is a change in a woman’s hormones and personality which occurs in the week before she menstruates (has her period) Poignantly – affecting or moving the emotions Poker – a card game where gambling is usually involved Porn – short for pornography Porn Star -someone who has sex on film for a living Posse – a gang of people committed to the same illicit goal Post Coitally – the period of time right after sex Preclude – preventing the occurrence of Predetermined – to settle or decide in advance Predicament – problem or situation Preexisting – to exist beforehand Preliminary – preceding and leading up to the main part Prerequisite – required beforehand Primarily – mostly, originally Primeval – pertaining to the first ages of the world

Proactive – acting in advance to offset difficulties Proclivities – predisposition to selections Proficient – skilled at something Progressive – open to change Prostate, Prostate Gland - the muscle inside of a man at the base of his bladder which produces a secretion of liquid which is part the semen in a man’s balls which ejaculates from his penis Provoked – to stir up or exasperate Pseudo - fake Psyche – the emotional areas of the brain Psychic – someone who can read minds, a clairvoyant Psychological – pertaining to the mind Pubic Area – the area surrounding the vagina or penis Queries - questions R Rated - not for people 18 and under; explicit, but not graphic Rape – forced sex against the will of another Rectal, Rectal area – the area near the rectum or asshole Rectum – another name for your anus/asshole Refrain – hold back Regime – a system of rule Reiterate – to repeat excessively Rejuvenate – to restore to youthful vigor Relinquish – give in, forfeit Repulsion – to be disgusted by something until you avoid it Resign – to give over to another’s will Resilient – durable, able to bounce back Resorts – changes to a more familiar method Restraining Order – a legal document which prevents one person from contacting or seeing another Restraints – a device used to hold a person in place for sexual pleasure Retrofitted – to install, fit or adapt to use with something older or outdated Risqué – sexy, tantalizing in a sexual manner Role Play –taking on another personality or lifestyle through dress and behavior, in this book for the purpose of sexual stimulation Rough Sex – actions within a sexual context which may injure the people involved Ruching – a method of sewing where the fabric is sewn into gathers to create a drape Saliva – your spit Salma Hayek – a hot Mexican actress Scenario – an imagined or projected sequence of events Screw – slang for the act of having sex Scrotum – another name for the sack of skin which contains a man’s testicles Seamless – without interruption Secondary – next after the first Seduction – the act of enticing a man sexually Seepage – dripping, discharge Segregate – to keep separate Selling Out – to compromise beliefs or efforts for financial gain

Semen – the fluid ejected from a man’s penis when he experiences an orgasm Shaft – the long (hopefully rigid) area on a man’s penis which lies between the top of his penis (the head) and his groin where the penis connects to his body Simultaneously – at the same time Slacker – deadbeat Slave – in this book it means a sexually submissive person whose only goal is to please a designated master Sleep With Me – have sex Slut – a sexually promiscuous person Smug, Smugly – confident of one’s superiority Spanking – hitting on a person’s bottom Spelunking – exploring caves Spirit – in this book it defines your soul Stance – position Standard – a level of measure for quality STDs – Sexually Transmitted Diseases Stiletto – a very tall, slender heel of a shoe; so slender it resembles the blade of a stiletto knife, which was a long slender blade Stimulate, Stimulation – to arouse to action Stimuli – incitement, enticement, motive, or provocation Stitch and Bitch Group – a club of women who knit and gossip Stray In – to wander in Strip Tease – a sensual dance meant to increase sexual desire in the audience Submissive – unresisting or humbly obedient Succumb – to give in to pressure Suck – in this book to give oral sex to a man Support Group – a group of people who have experienced the same type of event and who meet in order to discuss it in a compassionate manner Surfing – a sport where you ride ocean waves on a board Sustenance - nourishment Synonymous – the same Systematically – having and showing a method or plan Tact – a keen sense of what is appropriate behavior Tale Of Woe – a sad story Technique – method, style Testicles – the balls on a man which are in a sack of skin between his legs and underneath his penis Threesome – sex where three people are participants Thyroid – a gland in your neck that works in conjunction with your pituitary gland to regulate the functions of your circulatory system Toxic - poison Toys – in this book it means objects used to enhance sexual experience such as vibrators, cock rings, dildos, benoit balls Tracks – musical listings Tramp – an overly promiscuous woman Transition – the period in between what was and change Trauma – the physical or emotional damage of a shocking experience Trifecta – a system of betting where a person picks the first three winners Turn Off – a sexual or personal action that offends you

Undertake – to try to do something successfully Unfailingly – completely dependable Universe – in this book it can mean God, Buddha, Mohammed, destiny or fate Unpleasantries – things that are unpleasant Unresolved – not finished, not discussed to a conclusion Urethra – the part of your body that goes from your bladder to where you pee out urine; on a man it’s a tube, on a woman it’s a little nubby area of flesh between her labia Urine – pee Vamp look – the highly dramatically made up look of actresses from the 30s; pale skin, dark eye and lip makeup Vanessa Williams – HOT actress, former Miss America Vehemently – insisted upon strongly Via – by way of Viable – worthy, sound, having worth Vibe – an emotional connection between two or more people that enhances all shared experiences Vibrator – a battery operated machine that is sized and shaped to resemble a man’s penis Vintage – representing quality from a past era Virtually – for the most part, just about Visualizes – to form a mental picture of Void – a big, black, empty hole Voyeur – someone who likes to watch other people Watersports – term for peeing on someone for sexual pleasure Wavelengths - in this book the mental distance between your thoughts and his Wayside – the side off the path you are on; off the road Webcam – a small camera attached to your computer that allows the user to send real time video or photographs Whore – a slang word for a prostitute Women’s Liberation – a movement begun in the 60s where women fought for equal rights to men

I might like you better If we slept together. But there’s somethin’ In your eyes that says maybe, that’s never. Never say never. Old couple walks by, as ugly as sin. But he’s got her and she’s got him. Never say never.

NEVER SAY NEVER, Romeo Void

IN THANKS… to Jesus Christ, who saves me; to God for his constant love and guidance; to my friend Dellara Baby who inspired me to write it down; to two of the many remarkable women I’ve known, Dion Forbes and Chimi Onat-Texiera; to Frances and Tandy Dansby for the love they taught me; and to my Mother for her unwavering support and incredibly strong heart… you’re the best editor EVER!!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR… Leslie LaMarr makes her literary debut with this collection of insights for women, on men. She is also working on a fiction novel for adults. As a Libra, she naturally loves to be in love, but will settle for amazing sex or a great pair of shoes. In memory of the best and the worst relationships I have ever had.

ADDITIONAL COPIES OF THIS BOOK CAN BE PURCHASED AT: www.morethanwordspublishing.com