Christoph Schertler - NLP Confidence Builder
February 8, 2017 | Author: Gou | Category: N/A
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Table of Contents INTRODUCTION………………………………………………………………. .1 About NLP 2 The way to use this E-book
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CHAPTER 1: The Wheel Of Life…………………………………………...4 What is the Wheel of Life?
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Wheel of Life Exercise Sheet
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CHAPTER 2: Logical Levels……………………………………………….7 What are Logical Levels?
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Logical Levels close-up
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How to use Logical Levels
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Logical Level Ground Rules
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Logical Level Exercise
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Logical Level Alignment
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Conclusion
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CHAPTER 3: Setting And Achieving Outcomes……………………….45 Introduction
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NLP Strategy for Setting Outcomes
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How to Set an Outcome
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Outcome Exercise
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CHAPTER 4: Resources…………………………………………………… 62 Introduction 62 The New Behavior Generator
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Circle Of Excellence
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Reframing a Bad Experience
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Conclusion
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CHAPTER 5: Anchors And State Management………………………..72 Anchors
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State Management
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State Management Exercise
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Creating an Anchor
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Conclusion
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CHAPTER 6: Beliefs………………………………………………………… Introduction
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Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
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Thought Viruses
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Guardian Beliefs
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Belief Identification Exercise
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Belief Change Exercise
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Conclusion
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CHAPTER 7: Presuppositions…………………………………………….110 Introduction
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NLP Presuppositions
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NLP Presupposition Exercise
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CONCLUSION………………………………………………………………… 121 RESOURCES………………………………………………………………….12 3
Personal Empowerment Coaching presents:
The NLP Confidence Builder Dedicatio n This E-book is respectfully dedicated to my NLP teachers Robert Dilts, Judith DeLozier, Suzi Smith, Ian McDermott and Jan Elfline, as well as the founders of NLP, Richard WELCOME TO THE NLP CONFIDENCE Bandler and John Grinder.
B UILDER! This E-book is a compilation of techniques, exercises, and concepts from the field of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which are designed to help you
build your level of confidence in a do-it-yourself manner. While you will boost your confidence, you will also get some immediate relief from unwanted behaviors, lack of motivation and focus, and limiting beliefs about yourself and others. Provided you really apply the knowledge given in this E-book, that is. Yes, you will have to do some work. Sorry, no free lunch here… Each chapter deals with a different aspect of Self-Empowerment and contains theoretical background as well as practical exercises. The E-book is written in a very approachable way so that no former knowledge is required. If you want to know more about the science behind the given exercises and techniques, please check the references given at the end of each chapter.
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ABOUT NLP Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), also called the “Science of Human Excellence” is a wide and complex field of study, which started with the idea of modeling excellence. Many exceptional human beings, such as Albert Einstein, Leonardo DaVinci, Sigmund Freud, and Walt Disney were studied by NLP researchers with the goal of finding a structure behind their success. What did these geniuses do to be so successful where others failed? What strategies did they employ to solve problems? What did they believe about others and themselves? In its over 30 years of research, NLP has uncovered many fascinating aspects of what accounts for human excellence and has developed many techniques that allow us to replicate the success strategies of mankind’s most exceptional people. If you are interested in NLP, go to the PEC Website (www.pecoaching.com) and sign up for our free Ezine “NLP – The Secret Science of Self-Empowerment”. Also, check out the booklist and links at the end of this e-book. NLP and Confidence Confidence has its roots in self-appreciation and faith in one’s abilities. Lack of confidence is usually the result of negative beliefs about one’s identity and capabilities or a sense of being undeserving or unworthy of succeeding or being accepted by others. NLP studies the structure of confidence as part of the secret of human excellence and has developed many insights and practical exercises that help to overcome limiting beliefs, weaken the disheartening effects of negative memories, develop behavioral patterns for success, set and implement powerful goals, and develop a healthy sense of self-worth and self-appreciation.
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THE WAY TO USE THIS EBOOK
In an ideal world all people would have a personal coach and trainer to develop confidence. Since this in not an ideal world I have designed the NLP Confidence Builder to help you get the results you want, all by yourself. The quality of your results will partly depend on: 1. How serious you are about making changes in your life. 2. Your ability to introspect and be honest with yourself. 3. How closely you follow the instructions given in this E-book. For the best overall effect you should do the exercises and techniques in a linear fashion, i.e. start at the beginning and finish at the end, even though each one is beneficial in itself. Some of the techniques you might add to the repertoire of strategies you use to cope with your daily life, and hopefully reap their empowering benefits long after you have finished reading this E-book! To get the most from the exercises, take some time off from other activities and choose a location where you can be contemplative and are unlikely to be distracted. You might want to do the exercises on a separate piece of paper; this will give you more space to write down your answers. Also, feel free to write down any realization that seems important to you, even if the exercise does not specifically ask for it. If it means something to you, make a note of it. Ok, enough instructions, let’s get started…
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Chapter 1 The Wheelof Life WHAT IS THE WHEEL OF L IFE? Being confident requires a deeper understanding of what is going on in your life. Being clear about your current situation is of great importance if you want to make empowering plans for the future. For this purpose, I want you to take a closer look at the different areas of your life and rate them. Are you ready to find out what your Wheel of Life looks like?
INSTRUCTION :Here is what I want you to do: There are eight sections in the Wheel of Life (see next page). Assuming that the center of the wheel represents 0 and the outer edges 10, put a number on how satisfied you are with each area of your life by drawing a straight or curved line to create a new outer edge (see example). The resulting new perimeter is your wheel of life. Let’s assume for a moment this wheel was real. How rough a ride would it be?
When you are ready, scroll down to the Exercise sheet and start on your wheel.
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Wheel of Life Exercise Sheet:
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AFTER COMPLETING THE WHEEL OF L IFE Ok, so there is your wheel. Take a good look at it and see what it tells you. Which areas in you life are underdeveloped? Are there any connections between the different segments? If so, in which way do they influence each other? For example, a medium income job (Career) might lower your satisfaction in the dating department (Significant Other/Romance) if you are accustomed to wining and dining your partner in expensive restaurants and renting a luxury apartment downtown. Ask yourself the following questions: Which segments are the main sources of my wheel’s imbalance? What could I do to raise your level of satisfaction in my low scoring segments? What effect would improving the level of satisfaction in my low scoring segments have on other segments? Are there any significant inter-dependencies between the segments of my wheel? Write down anything that strikes you as important and come back to look at it the next day, week, and month. You will notice that just being aware of your Wheel of Life will in itself produce change over time, because your new awareness will influence your daily choices. It will also serve as a basis for the following exercises. What has this to do with building your confidence? NLP takes a wider approach to creating confidence in people. No quick fix, but solid, effective transformation that produces long-lasting confidence and happiness. To get where you want to go, you first need to know where you are right now. Therefore, analyzing how balanced your life is at the present moment lays the ground work for building confidence.
References: The NLP Coach, McDermott, I., 2001.
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Chapter 2 Logical Levels
What are Logical Levels? INTRODUCTION One of the most fascinating NLP concepts is that of Logical Levels. First developed by Gregory Bateson and later refined by Robert Dilts, it is a powerful tool for giving structure to who we are. It allows us to assess our level of inner balance, our relationship with others, and can save us time and effort when attempting to resolve conflicts. So, what exactly are Logical Levels? NLP assumes that we experience life on six inter-connected levels: Mission Identity Values & Beliefs Capability Behavior Environment These six levels are used to describe the different levels on which human beings experience reality. Everyone is embedded in an environment, displays behaviors, has capabilities, holds values and beliefs, has a sense of identity and probably follows a higher mission in life, even if not fully aware of what it is.
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LOGICAL LEVEL ALIGNMENT LEADS TO E XCELLENCE NLP believes a key part of developing confidence is aligning our Logical Levels. This might sound somewhat technical, but it simply means bringing your mission, sense of identity, values & beliefs, capabilities, behavior and environment in line with one another so they work together in harmony. This can be very useful, if you want to create focus in your life and access your inner strength, creativity and joy. People who have their logical levels in alignment develop congruency, i.e. their personal state of excellence, and as a result are very attractive to other people. You might have met people like that and know what I am talking about. Being truly happy with yourself and your life means being congruent. It is this congruence that makes you confident. It should be noted, that congruence is not generic. Everybody is congruent in his or her own way. There is as many ways to be congruent as there are people in this world. The only element that all congruent people have in common is the fact that their logical levels are aligned.
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Logical Level CloseUp Let us take a closer look at each of the logical levels, starting from the bottom:
ENVIRONMENT Environment is the logical level that relates to the places and people we encounter in our private and professional lives. As a rule, the people in our lives will have a greater impact on us than physical environments. Ergonomic furniture will not improve your mood, if you don’t get along with your colleagues. Physical conditions, such as safety and comfort are also typical issues relating to our sense of environment, safety being the more important of the two. Furthermore, environment plays a role in our sense of self, where we use it to express our individuality (e.g. gardening, interior decoration, etc.).
BEHAVIOR Behavior describes the things we do when we interact with people or environments. Behavior is the level of single actions such as Laughin g Shaking hands Closing a door It is interesting to note that the level of behavior is like a sort of vent for all the other logical levels. Conflicts experienced on the levels of mission, identity, values & beliefs, capability, and environment often express themselves as harmful and irritating behavior.
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CAPABILIT Y
Capability implies skill, i.e. behavior that is consistent, automatic, and often habitual. A capability can also be described as a success strategy that is repeatable, like writing a book, cooking a meal, or composing a song. Capabilities give a higher meaning to single behaviors by arranging them strategically. For example, the behaviors of digging, hammering, sawing and painting are combined under the capability of building a house.
BELIEFS AND V ALUES Everybody has beliefs. Even “I don’t believe in anything” is a belief. Many of the things we believe have been passed on to us through our culture and education without us even being aware of it. When we express beliefs we tend to use “If…then”sentences or make statements like “I can’t.” Beliefs are mainly about what we think is possible or impossible, true or false. Values, on the other hand, are all about what we think is appropriate or inappropriate. We often express our values by stating what should or shouldn’t be done. When you find yourself being critical of other people’s behavior, it could mean that one of your values has been violated. When our values are disrespected, we tend to react very negatively.
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IDENTIT Y
Who are you? There are many ways in which we define our identity. When we start a sentence with “I am” there is a good chance we are talking about our identity. “I am a good analyst”, “I am attractive”, “You are unreliable” are typical identity statements. We all have a sense of identity, a sense of what makes us who we are. Our sense of identity will usually have to do with Our culture (Western, Asian, African, etc.) Our physical attributes (tall, short, pretty, athletic, etc.) Our social status (upper class, middle class, working class etc.) Our talents (music, art, computers, etc.) Our attitudes (hard working, tough, humorous, extroverted) Our possessions (car, house, money, etc.) What we think other people think of us Identity relates to the sense you have of yourself, your values, beliefs, capabilities, behavior, and environment. And it very much relates to your confidence level. Feeling good about who you are is essential for being confident. Identity is one of the highest and strongest logical levels and therefore very resilient and not easy to change.
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MISSION This relates to our mission in life. It is the highest logical level and reaches deep into the core of who we are. It goes beyond the realm of individuality and touches on issues like spirituality, having a calling to do something, service to others, and so on. Sometimes people are able to discover the main direction of their life by looking at what they did during their childhood. As children, we tend to behave in a way that supports our sense of mission without being aware of it. Later on we end up doing what we enjoyed doing when we were young, just on a different scale. Another way to find out what your mission is might be to ask yourself what you would be willing to put your time and energy in, even if it did not pay you much money. People tend to be passionate and idealistic about their mission, so money usually is a side-factor. Our sense of mission matters, because being out of touch with our mission can lead to incongruence, i.e. internal conflict and resulting negative behaviors. Having a strong sense of mission is important, because it is the “leader” that all the other logical levels “follow”. The clearer your mission, the clearer your identity and beliefs will be, which in turn will govern your capabilities and behavior and determine the kind of environment you choose. A strong sense of mission powerfully supports your confidence level in life.
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How to Use Logical Levels LOGICAL LEVELS CAN BE USED FOR SOLVING P ROBLEMS The main thing to keep in mind is that most problems (symptoms) arise on the level of behavior, but have their roots (cause) on a different logical level. Finding the level on which the cause is rooted is the key to making improvements. Once you know where the conflict originates (e.g. identity or capability), you can address it and thereby stop the harmful behavior. Example: A woman took medication for a period of 10 years for her heart condition. She used to play tennis, but decided not to play any sport that would raise her pulse to over 100 bpm, just to be safe from a heart attack. She had little confidence and felt weak and helpless most of the time. As a result she lost touch with most of her friends from the tennis club. One day she read an article about how acupuncture could treat heart conditions and decided to seek out an expert in that field. She was told that nothing was wrong with her heart and that she didn’t need the medication she had been taking. She was completely dumbfounded. After the woman got two more opinions from other doctors and both confirmed that she didn’t need to take any medication, she decided to play tennis again. She was surprised to see how her lack of confidence vanished bit by bit until she was her full self again. And she filed a lawsuit against her old doctor! The diagnosis of the first doctor lead her to form the belief: “I am sick and will die if I play sports.” This belief translated into a new sense of identity, which sounded like: “I am weak and helpless.” Eventually, she lost her confidence and started to behave timid and unsocial. You see how the logical levels work hand in hand to bring about doom or joy in your life.
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Logical Level Ground Rules The concept of Logical Levels is so powerful, because it covers all areas of being human, yet remains easy to grasp and allows for effective conflict resolution. When attempting to solve problems with the help of logical levels, consider these basic ground rules. Things you should know about Logical Levels: Misleading Appearances: Difficulties experienced on the lower logical levels (especially behavior, but also environment and capability) often have their roots on the higher logical levels (values and beliefs, identity, mission). Making Changes: The higher the logical level on which you make a change, the more impact on the other logical levels and on your life in general. The catch? The higher the level the harder it is to make a change! Making changes in your environment (lowest logical level) is a lot easier than making changes to your identity (second highest logical level). Higher Logical Level Pitfall: People get more offended when rubbed the wrong way on a higher logical level than on a lower logical level. Making people feel that there is something wrong with their mission, sense of identity or values and beliefs leads to resentment. Logical Level Confusions: Many confrontations between people leave a feeling of being attacked on an identity level. This usually happens when we don’t pay attentions to our words. You should be careful when making a critical comment about someone’s identity. When our sense of identity gets hurt, we loose confidence. Instead of saying “You are inconsiderate”, which is a statement about the other person’s identity, try saying “I felt the way you handled this matter was inconsiderate”, which is a statement about their behavior. Make it about what
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they did, not who they are. People can handle criticism of their behavior a lot better than criticism of their identity. The general rule is: Praise on an identity level, criticize on a behavior level. Likewise, when someone criticizes you on an identity level (“You are…”), receive it on a behavioral level. Tell yourself the other person is criticizing your behavior, not who you are. This way you can spare yourself the disheartening effects of an attack on your identity.
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Logical Levels Exercise HOW TO DO THIS E InXERCISE the following section I ask you to answer some questions that are helpful for creating a greater awareness of your Logical Levels and assessing to what degree they are in alignment. Some people have to first go through their lower levels before they can access their higher ones. Take as much time as you need to answer each question and feel free to change the order in which you answer them, if you don’t want to start with your “mission”.
Mission Your mission in life is the bigger game you are playing. It is what you do for a greater cause, not just for yourself. It describes your relationship with the rest of mankind, with our planet, and the universe. You might find it easier to discover what your mission might be if you look at all the things you have done in your life out of compassion or concern for others. Look at times when you worked really hard at something, but it did not even feel like work. Remember times when you fully engaged in a project without even thinking about what was in it for you. Are you starting to get a glimpse of what your mission in life could be?
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To get a better sense of your mission, please complete the following questions: What gifts do you want to give to the world? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
What do you want your legacy to be? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
What do you want written on your tombstone? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Some people have difficulty answering these questions. If you find it hard to get in touch with your mission, don’t worry; you can always come back to this after you completed the other logical levels. Since all the levels are interconnected, there is a good chance that your mission will be clearer to you after you have taken a look at your identity, values, beliefs, capabilities, behavior and environment.
IDENTIT Y
How do you define yourself? Your identity, or sense of self, is a combination of your past actions and achievements, your values and beliefs, what you think people think about you, what you think about yourself, your possessions, and so on. For some people this is a very complex mixture with many ingredients, for others it is very straightforward. We are very attached to our identity. We use our friends, family, country, job, skills, house, car, physical appearance, clothes, hairstyles and so on, to define who we are. We rely on our identity to function in society and make decisions about the things we want more and less of, in our lives. We are easily offended and can become difficult to get on with, when our identity is questioned. To get a better sense of your identity, please complete the following sentences:
I am…
Proof:
I also am…
Proof:
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I am not…
Proof:
I definitely am not…
Proof:
I hope I never will be…
Way to make sure I never will be:
I wish I were…
To be that I would have to:
I guess I could be…
To be that I would have to:
People who like me think I am…
Proof:
People who don’t like me think I am…
Proof:
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Did you surprise yourself? Sometimes people get amazing revelations out of answering identity questions. This is because our identity is such a central and intimate part of us and also because we take many of our attributes for granted and only realize we have them when being asked about them. Any change to how we see ourselves, even if seemingly small and insignificant, can have a big impact on our life.
BELIEFS & VALUES VALUES What larger concepts matter to you? What do you consider right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate? Should people be allowed to smoke in public or not? Should they come to work if they have a mild dose of the flu? Should men make the first move in the dating game or is it ok for women to take the initiative? In order to answer such questions, you will have to get in touch with your values. Values are ever present in our daily lives, yet they are strangely invisible. Few of us are conscious of our values while we are rushing through our busy schedules. We usually find out about them, when they are violated. And we also find out about how we react to that value violation right there and then. Usually this kind of scenario ends in some form of embarrassment. A violation of our values has the potential to compel us to act impulsively and without selfcontrol. Therefore it is wise to take a good look at our values and be clear about the way they influence our choices and behavior.
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To get a better sense of your values please complete the following sentences:
My most important values (e.g. honesty, courage, having fun, etc…) in life are… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I know they are being violated, when … (e.g. I am being yelled at, lied to, neglected, etc)… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
If my values are violated, I react in the following manner… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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I know my values are being honored, when… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
If my values are being honored, I react in the following manner: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
In my opinion, the people I interact with in my professional life should be more… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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In my opinion, the people I interact with in my professional life should be less… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
In my opinion, my friends should be more… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
In my opinion, my friends should be less… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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In my opinion, my family should be more… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
In my opinion, my family should be less… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
In my opinion, ____________________________should be more… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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In my opinion, ___________________________ should be less… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Take a look at your answers and see how they make you feel. Remember, your values drive your life in many ways; so knowing what they are and how they compel you to act, can be very helpful. Awareness of your values gives you control and choices when responding to challenges.
BELIEF S
What we believe about others and ourselves has a paramount impact on how we choose to live our life. There is literally no choice we make that is not influenced by one of our beliefs. Values and beliefs are very similar, in that they both greatly influence our behavior. They do so by defining what we deem possible (beliefs) and acceptable (values). To get a better sense of your beliefs, please complete the following sentences: I believe that I am… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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I believe that I am not… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I believe that I can… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I believe that I can’t… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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I believe if I was [X] then… (replace X with an attribute of your choice) 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I believe that if I didn’t do [X] then … (replace X with an attribute of your choice) 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Beliefs that empower me: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Beliefs that limit me: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Did you find out something interesting about yourself? The reason for asking yourself questions about your values and beliefs is to build some awareness about what drives your behavior. Changing your life will require you to change your behavior, and changing your behavior will most likely require changing some of your values and beliefs! Ultimately, you will (most likely) have to deal with changes on all six of the Logical Levels if you want to empower yourself. It sounds overwhelming, but it actually can be a lot of fun, too. It helps if you have an attitude of openness to change and allow yourself some time and space to grow.
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CAPABILIT Y
Capability is a strategic combination of several behaviors, such as composing a piece of music or cooking. The capabilities you have developed are connected to your higher logical levels in that they tell a story about who you are, what you value and believe, and what your mission in life is. Many of your capabilities are the result of the choices you have made in life. To get a better sense of your capabilities, please complete the following sentences: My most developed capabilities (skills) are: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I am also very good at… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Beliefs that helped me acquire these capabilities 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Behaviors that helped me acquire these capabilities 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Environments that helped me acquire these capabilities 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Even if you paid me, I would not want to learn how to… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I would like to learn how to… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
I should learn how to… 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Are you satisfied with your capabilities? Would you like to improve and add to them? Sometimes getting trained in the skills you lack can make all the difference. What would you have to do to find out more about who can train you, when and at what cost?
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Behavior Behavior relates to single actions such as drinking coffee, getting out of bed, laughing, listening to music and so on. Our behavior is what makes us visible to others. While they cannot see our other logical levels directly, they can deduce what they might look like by examining our behavior. And even we, ourselves, can learn about our logical levels by analyzing our own behavior. To get a better sense of your behaviors, please complete the following sentences: My everyday behaviors include: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Some of my most peculiar behaviors include: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Typical behaviors when I feel angry: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Typical behaviors when I feel happy: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Typical behaviors when I feel sad: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Typical behaviors when I feel motivated: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Typical behaviors when I feel lonely: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Ways in which I behave when I like someone: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Ways in which I behave when I don’t like someone: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Ways in which I react when someone treats me unfairly: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Ways in which I react when someone praises/flatters me: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Ways in which I react when someone makes a request of me: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Behaviors that have served me well: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Behaviors that have brought me trouble: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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There are many more questions to ask about your behaviors, and if you can think of a good one to ask yourself, by all means do so. The main purpose of these questions is for you to discover patterns in your behaviors which help or hurt you. Once you have discovered these patterns, you can start working on a strategy to add, delete, strengthen, weaken, or alter your behaviors.
ENVIRONMENT This is the last segment of the Logical Levels exercise. All the levels we have already covered, translate into the choices you make about your environment. We naturally choose environments that agree with our sense of identity, values & beliefs, and so on. Some people need constant action and love the bustling atmosphere of a big city while others want to have more peace and quiet, nature and fresh air. Some like to surround themselves with active and loud company while others prefer quiet and peaceful company. And of course there is a lot in between those extremes! To get a better sense of your environment, please complete the following sentences: What does your perfect environment Look like: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Sound like: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Feel like: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Smell like: 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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Which of the environments you have encountered had a positive impact on you? What did you like about them? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Which of the environments you have encountered had a negative impact on you? What was it you did not like about them? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
What kind of people do you like to surround yourself with? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
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What kind of people do you avoid? 1.
2.
3. (Feel free to add more points)
Environment matters. Choosing an environment that agrees with you and offers you the resources you need to perform well is important for your motivation, joy and overall success in life. If you feel that your environment does not support you fully, think about what changes you could make to it.
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Logical Level Alignment INTRODUCTION This almost completes the Logical Level exercise. In a final step, let’s take a look at how well your logical levels are aligned. This time we are going to start from the bottom (environment) and go all the way up (mission) to see how your logical levels support each other. To do this, look at all the answers you have given to the above questions.
FROM BOTTOM TO TOP Environment supporting Behavior How do the environments you live your life in support your behavior? In which way does your environment strengthen or weaken your positive and negative behaviors? Behavior supporting Capabilities How does your behavior support your capabilities? Do you behave in a manner that helps you develop the capabilities you need in order to achieve your goals? Capabilities supporting Values & Beliefs How do your capabilities support your values and beliefs? Are you developing and using capabilities that validate what you value and believe in? In what ways?
Values & Beliefs supporting Identity How do your values and beliefs relate to your sense of self? Is who you are an expression of what you value and believe? Identity supporting Mission How does your sense of self support your mission in life? Are you taking any steps to leave some footprints in this world - footprints that carry the unique signature of who you are?
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FROM TOP TO BOTTOM Mission supporting Identity How does your mission in life influence your sense of self? How does it define who you are? Identity supporting Values & Beliefs How does your sense of self support your values and beliefs? Does who you are agree with what you value and believe in? How? Values & Beliefs supporting Capabilities How do your values and beliefs translate into capabilities? Have you learned certain skills in life because of what you value and believe? Are you developing new capabilities as a result of your values and beliefs? Capabilities supporting Behavior How have the capabilities you learned affected you behavior? Are there things you do or don’t do because of the talents and skills you have? Behavior supporting Environment How does your behavior influence your environment? Does what you do have an impact on the people and places you encounter every day? What kind of impact?
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RANDOM CONNECTIONS BETWEEN LOGICAL L EVELS Any pair of logical levels can influence each other and analyzing those pairs might give you insightful information about where you are in or out of alignment. Environment supporting Mission Does your environment support your mission in life? If your mission is to ride a horse sleigh to the North Pole, living in Southern California might not be a great idea. Behavior supporting Values & Beliefs Do you behave in a manner that honors your values and beliefs? If you value interaction with others, you might not enjoy working on your own, instead of in a team. If you believe too much sunlight is bad for you, why walk the dog at noon? Capabilities supporting Identity How are your identity and capabilities connected? Most of us answer a “What do you do?” question with “I am a…” What we do for a living and who we are have effectively merged into one. This can be challenging when we lose or change our job, because we effectively lose our identity. Without a clear sense of identity we become incongruent and people tend to keep their distance. So think about what you want to base your sense of self on. If you feel all you are is what you do, you might want to look for new ways of shaping your identity, like learning new skills, enjoying new hobbies, etc.
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CONCLUSION You now have a better understanding of the underlying structure of your confidence, or the lack of it. The answer to making changes and adjustments to your level of confidence lies in aligning your logical levels so that they work hand in hand with each other. What you are looking for is harmony and support between all 6 of your Logical Levels. It might be a good idea to go through all your answers in a few days time to get a sense of the bigger picture. Remember, the higher the level (identity, values and beliefs), the harder the change is to make (usually) but the greater the impact on your life and your level of confidence! Awareness is the first step towards change, and change is what is needed to move towards confidence. You want to become more confident? Analyze your logical levels and look for patterns that are working against you – patterns that make you dislike yourself, feel weak and undeserving. Then, change those patterns. Just having done this exercise will produce change through new insights. In addition, you can use all the techniques in this document to actively make the changes you seek. The next chapters will help you to implement changes in different ways. References: Steps to an Ecology of the Mind, Bateson, G., 1972. Changing Belief Systems with NLP, Dilts, R., 1990. Visionary Leadership Skills, Dilts, R. 1996.
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Chapter 3 Setting and Achieving Outcomes
INTRODUCTION So far we have looked at your present situation. Both the Wheel of Life and the Logical Levels Exercises were meant to help you build some awareness about yourself and how balanced your life is. Since this E-book takes a holistic approach to building confidence, the next step will focus on your goals, or outcomes, as they are called in NLP. Having inspiring goals to pursuit is a wonderful way to build confidence.
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NLP Strategy for Setting Outcomes STATE YOUR GOAL IN THE P OSITIVE NLP claims that stating a problem in the right way is the key to solving it. Most people don’t realize that setting a goal like “I want to stop smoking” is likely to fail, because it focuses on what we don’t want rather than on what we want. Our brains get confused when asked to go after a goal that is stated in the negative. Rather, focus on what you do want. When trying to make changes it helps to focus on the outcome, rather than on the problem. When you want to stop thinking about something negative, you cannot do it by mere will power. You will end up thinking even more about it. The way to get rid of a negative thought is to replace it with a positive one. The same principle applies to solving your problems. Instead of getting stuck in the problem, where things are impossible, fearful, negative, and tense, focus on the outcome you would like to achieve. The situation looks a lot brighter when looked at from the perspective of the outcome. So go after something you want to achieve or have more of, rather than something you want to avoid or have less of. Exercise: 1. Think of a problem you are struggling with and then ask yourself the Problem Frame questions (see below). Notice how they make you feel. 2. Take the same problem and ask yourself the Outcome Frame questions. Notice how they make you feel.
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Problem Frame Outcome Frame What is your problem? What do you want? How long haveHow youwill hadyou it? know when you have got it? Whose fault isWhat it? else will improve when you get it? Who is to blame?
What resources do you already have that
can help you achieve this outcome? What is your worst experience with this problem?
What is something similar, which you did
succeed in doing?
Why haven’t you What solved is theit next yet? step?
ACCESSING RESOURCES THROUGH OUTCOME T HINKING NLP assumes that everybody has the needed resources within themselves to achieve a desired outcome, or they can create them. Achieving outcomes has a lot to do with accessing those resources. It helps us to focus on outcome thinking, because problem thinking keeps us away from resources, Our western culture has a bias towards Problem Frame thinking. We are accustomed to ask “What is wrong, who is to blame?” When you catch yourself thinking in those patterns, switch to outcome thinking immediately.
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How to Set an Outcome (Goal) STATE IN THE POSITIVE – WHAT DO I W ANT? “I want to stop being sarcastic”, or “I want to get rid of my bad temper” are not outcomes. They are things you don’t want (expressed in the negative). Your mind is like a computer. You can tell it what to do. However, it does not know how to process negative statements, correctly. You can tell your mind “I want to wake up at 5.46 pm tomorrow morning” and it will do it for you. Try it. Negative orders such as “I want to stop smoking” do not work, however. Rather say “I want to live a healthy life.” If you have children you know the effect of telling them “Don’t do that!” It seems like their mind eradicates the “don’t.” Setting an outcome in the negative is like having directions to a place you don’t want to go to. It is like going to a supermarket with a list of items you don’t want to purchase. When you state an outcome in the negative, you will have to think about the negative, every time you think about your outcome. “I want to stop my behavior X” will put the focus on behavior X. You are likely to get discouraged before you even start. For these reasons, NLP advocates stating you outcome in the positive “I want Y.” Check for the actual words in your outcome statement: ‘less’, ‘stop’, ‘give up’, ‘reduce’ are likely to be negative. Switch to ‘more of’, ‘start’, ‘take on board’, ‘increase’, etc.
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Exercise: When you are stuck with a negative outcome and want to figure out its positive counterpart (every negative outcome can be stated in the positive), ask the following questions: What do I want instead? What will this do for me? Example: Question: “What do I want?” Answer: “I want to stop being caught up in energy-draining relationships” (Problem Frame). Question: “What do I want instead?” Answer: “I want to be able to trust my partner to respect my need for independence” (Outcome Frame).
EVIDENCE – HOW WILL YOU KNOW YOU HAVE S UCCEEDED? You need definite proof for achieving an outcome, otherwise there will be confusion. There needs to be some feedback that lets you know when you have reached the goal line, otherwise you will not be able to feel satisfied and move on to new goals. In a sports game, you hear the buzzer, see the teams running off the field, and if you are in the stadium, you will feel the overall energy shift. This kind of feedback tells you the game is over. All of these indicators are perceived by your senses (visual, audio, kinesthetic). Use your senses for the most immediate and compelling feedback. Athletes do mental training to prepare themselves for the sport event, visualizing and feeling a series of complex body movements, the competition, the stadium, the crowd, etc. – they do this internally, using their senses. This method has been shown to have a significant impact on an athlete’s performance.
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What will you see, hear, and feel when you have achieved your outcome? How will others know? What will they see, hear and feel? What change will they notice? The more sensory-specific you make your outcome, the easier it will be to achieve it. Make sure you know what kind of feedback will let you know you have succeeded. Then, later on when you get that feedback, you will recognize it and realize that you have achieved your outcome. Make sure you: Get constant feedback and get it as soon as you can. If it comes too late, feedback is of no help. Ask the questions that will elicit feedback in the area that is important to you. Actively seek the feedback you need.
SPECIFIC – WHERE, WHEN AND WITH W HOM Where do you want the outcome and with whom do you want it? There might be places where you don’t want this outcome, people with whom you don’t want it or times when you don’t want it. Be clear about those, too. Here are some examples: You want to change your job, but not until you have received the bonus for which you are eligible at the end of the year. You want less clients, but only if you can raise your prices without losing too many clients. Your overall income should stay the same or increase. You want to get married, but only if you can find a partner who shares the same faith as you.
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WHAT ARE YOUR R ESOURCES? Every pursuit of an outcome requires resources. Without resources we cannot get what we want in life. Being aware of what resources you have at your disposal and how you can gain access to new resources is a key element of success in life. Resources usually fall into one of the following five categories: Material objects that you have available to achieve your outcome, like a house, car, computer, back yard, and so on. People who can help you: Friends, family, your partner, colleagues, local sports team, etc. Role Models who can show you the way to success: People who have succeeded in achieving a similar outcome. If you can’t speak to them directly (they might be famous or dead), maybe you can find one of their books, tapes, programs, etc. Your Personal Qualities: What strengths are necessary to achieve the outcome? Which of these do you possess? Be honest with yourself and don’t be modest. If you realize that you lack some of the skills to achieve the outcome, develop them by training yourself or team up with someone who already has them. Time and Money: Does money play a role in achieving your outcome? What kind of role? How about time? Do you have to achieve your outcome by a certain deadline? How do time and money factors influence your strategy to achieve your outcome?
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CAN YOU START AND MAINTAIN THIS OUTCOME? Are you the one who can make it all happen by yourself? If your outcome is to be the first tourist in space, you will have to speak to NASA or Richard Branson first, unless you want to build your own spacecraft! Ask yourself: To what degree am I in control? Who else is important to achieve this outcome? What influence do I have on them? How can I motivate them to want to help me (rather than feeling they have to help me)? If I delegate responsibility for achieving the outcome to others, how can I do this and to whom can I delegate it? How can I influence them, so that they act in a manner that helps me achieve my outcome? Many times we need help from others in order to achieve our goals. There is only so much we can do by ourselves and our resources are limited. So it is a good thing to think about who else matters in our pursuit of an outcome. Are those people your allies or enemies when it comes to your desired outcome? How can you make them allies? Sometimes we are happy to settle for passive help from others, such as the ‘act of not interfering’ with our plans. Be clear on these issues when you are setting an outcome.
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ECOLOGY – WHAT ARE THE WIDER C ONSEQUENCES? Is what you want to achieve really good for you and the people in your life? What are the side effects of achieving your desired outcome? Is there a price you or other people will have to pay for your success? What kind of price is it? Is your son going to miss out on a new computer for Christmas because you want to travel to Egypt, or is he going to lose his best friend because you decided to take a job 2000 miles away? Is the price you pay for achieving your outcome worth it? A classic example of someone who did not do an ecology check can be found in Greek Mythology. King Midas wanted everything he touched to turn into gold. After the gods granted his wish, he soon discovered the downside of this ability. Make sure you ask yourself the following questions before you take action: What time and effort are required to achieve the outcome and what important tasks will I have to neglect as a result? Who else will be affected and how exactly are they going to be affected? Check the consequences for your partner, your family and friends, other people, clients, etc. You might find that you want to redefine some aspects of your outcome after looking at the repercussions it will have. What aspects of the present situation would I like to maintain past the point of achieving my outcome? What would I want to keep the way it is and how can I make sure it survives the change? What else could happen when I achieve my outcome? Is there anything I will loose as a result of getting what I want? Is that loss acceptable to me?
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In cases where your outcome will affect other people, e.g. your family, ask all the above-mentioned questions and invite the people who will be affected by the change, to share what they think should be changed and what should be maintained. By doing this you will get an interesting insight into other people’s position and understand what you are up against before you get started. It will allow you to think of ways to bring everybody on board. Most resistance to change has to do with fear of losing influence. By checking in with people on what their fears and hopes are regarding the change, you can work with them from the very beginning, instead of running into their resistance in the middle of your project. Is the outcome in keeping with who you are? You might be faced with making an important decision that brings with it a wide variety of changes – some you like, others you are worried about. If this is the case, Ask yourself: Will I be able maintain my relationships with friends and family? Will the decision affect my ability to be myself? Can I maintain my core values and express who I am freely after I have made my decision?
COMPARE THE PROS TO THE C ONS There is usually more than one way to get the pros, so consider if the cons you are faced with are acceptable to you, before you make a decision. What are the benefits and downsides of the change and how do they affect the larger picture of your life. How is your sense of identity affected by the change? Are your Logical Levels going to be in alignment after you have achieved your outcome?
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Outcome Exercise In Order to set an Outcome, Ask Yourself the Following Questions:
STEP 1: STATE IN THE POSITIVE “What do I want?”
“What will that do for me?”
STEP 2: DEMONSTRABLE IN SENSORY EXPERIENCE – EVIDENCE PROCEDURE “How will I know when I have got it?”
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“What will I see when I have got it?”
“What will I hear when I have got it?”
“What will I be feeling when I have got it?”
“What will others see me doing when I have got it?”
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“What will others hear me saying when I have got it?”
Step 3: Started and Maintained by You “To what degree can I start and maintain this outcome?”
STEP 4: APPROPRIATELY CONTEXTUALIZED “When, where and with whom do I want it?”
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“When, where and with whom do I not want it?”
“How long for?”
STEP 5: MAINTAIN THE CURRENT POSITIVE BYPRODUCTS “What do I get out of my present behavior, that I wish to preserve?”
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“How can I make sure that what I want to preserve will survive the change?
STEP 6: ECOLOGY CHECK “Is achieving my outcome worth the cost to me?”
“Is it worth the time it is going to take?”
“Is this outcome in keeping with my sense of self?”
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WHEN ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE YOURSELF OR INFLUENCE OTHERS, KEEP IN MIND:
The present state often has positive byproducts, which need to be preserved and integrated. Without analyzing and addressing the positive byproducts of the current situation, you will encounter resistance when trying to make changes. Acknowledge yourself and others, by looking at what works well right now, and what is behind that success (logical levels check). Decide what to keep and what to discard. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself when: Changing Yourself Influencing Others What is my current behavior doing for me?
What functions/purpose does their
current behavior or practice perform?
What are the positive byproducts of my
What are the positive byproducts of the
current behavior?
current behavior or practice for the
people, etc. involved? What else happens, directly or indirectly,
What else happens, directly or indirectly,
when I behaveas inathis result way? of that behavior or practice? What do I get out What of do behaving they getlike outthis? of doing this? What else do I get out of behaving like this?
doing this?
What part of this behavior is worth keeping?
What else do they or others get out of
What part of this behavior– in their
opinion – is valuable or worth keeping?
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INTEGRATE POSITIVE B YPRODUCTS Once you have identified the positive byproducts of the present behavior/ practice, look for ways to incorporate them into the planned change. Think about the effects the changes will produce and make sure they include everything you want. If you are not satisfied, spend more time thinking things through.
CONGRUENCE CHECK Check your inner voice for incongruence. If it says something like “Yes, but…”, “Well, on the one hand…on the other hand…”, “Well, part of me wants X… but another part wants Y…” you will have to spend some more time getting clear on what you really want.
References: NLP Volume I, Dilts, R., Grinder, J., Bandler, R., and DeLozier, J., 1980. Practical NLP for Managers, McDermott, I., O'Connor, J., 1997.
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Chapter 4 Resources Introduction Now let us take a look at what we have done so far. In the
Wheel of Lifeexercise
we looked at the overall balance of the different areas of your life. Next we analyzed your Logical Levels, giving you an in-depth picture of yourself. Those two exercises were helpful to make you aware of where you are at in your life and why you are there. Then you designed some very specific Outcomes (goals) for yourself in Chapter 3. All of the above are laying the groundwork for reclaiming confidence in your life. If you have done the exercises in Chapter 1-3 you should now have some information about where you are and where you want to go. What is missing is the “How to get there…” part. The next three exercises (and the next chapters) will focus on giving you some tools to move towards a more confident “YOU.”
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The New Behavior Generator In order to reach the outcome you have set for yourself (e.g. becoming more confident), you might need to make changes to your environment, your behavior, learn new skills, make adjustments to your beliefs and values, your sense of identity and mission (see Chapter 2: Logical Levels). For many of those changes, NLP can assist you with effective techniques. In this exercise we will look at how to generate the kind of new behaviors that will help you reach your desired outcomes. Athletes have long been aware that mentally rehearsing certain body movements improves their actual skill during a competition. The New Behavior Generator works with that same power of visualization, so that when you encounter the actual situation in real life, you have already dealt with it in your mind’s eye. To generate a new behavior, do the following: Step 1: Look at the goal you want to achieve and imagine that you have already achieved it. Ask yourself what was the key behavior that led you to success? In your mind’s eye, see yourself doing that behavior. Look at the expression on your face, your body posture, and the vibration emanating from your eyes, as you are behaving in the way that leads to success. Make it as real as possible. Step 2: If you find it difficult to visualize the key behavior that led to your success, try doing one of the following: Think of a time when you achieved success by using a similar behavior Think of someone else who has successfully used your desired behavior and model this person Picture your behavior as you are only half way towards achieving your goal (this can help to make the visualization easier)
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Step 3: Mentally , which ‘stepyou into’ have the been picturing you successful and notice what it feels like to be doing the behavior. Step 4: Remember a time in your life when you achieved a similar goal. Compare the feelings of that memory with the feelings from your visualized goal. Do they feel different? Step 5: Compare with past success - If your visualized success feels less powerful than the remembered success from your past, think about what you could add to your goal to make it equally satisfying. Enrich your visualized success with more detail and make alterations to it, until you are satisfied with the feeling it gives you. Step 6: In your mind’s eye, equally enrich and alter the behavior that is the reason for your visualized success. Keep using Step 2 to make your visualization more realistic. After enriching and altering your visualized behavior, try it on for size by mentally ‘stepping into’ it once more.
CONCLUSION The main structure of the exercise is found in Steps 1-3, whereas Steps 4-6 are designed to make sure you really get what you want. Run the exercise as many times as you feel necessary and use it for different goals. Make sure you make your goal specific enough to really satisfy you. It is absolutely fine to make it a complex goal like “I want X and Y and Z” all at the same time. Actually, most goals are constructed like this. As your goal gets more specific and complex, you will notice that the behavior that is needed to reach the goal, likewise gets more specific and complex. You might think that this makes it more difficult to develop the behavior, but it actually tends to make it easier, because complexity and
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clarity go hand in hand. The clearer you can visualize the behavior, the easier it is to develop. Now that you have visualized both your goal and the behaviors that bring it about, you are well prepared to start displaying those behaviors. When the real situation arises, you will find yourself carrying out naturally what you have continually visualized and mentally rehearsed.
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Circle of Excellence The Circle of Excellence is a very powerful excise for building confidence and for taking the fear out of an upcoming challenge in your life. It is like a mental and emotional vitamin pill to boost your overall confidence and resistance to fear. It is a great exercise to use in combination with all the techniques and exercises in this kit, and especially helpful when you want to motivate yourself to achieve one of your goals.
Here is how it works:
Step 1: Choose a goal you find difficult to achieve. Then, choose a resourceful state (courage, joy, love, forgiveness, humor, etc.) you could use to achieve that goal. Step 2: Think of a time in your life when you had that resource in abundance. This can even be an experience in your childhood. If you have never experienced that resourceful state, think of someone you know who did. This could even include TV cartoons or people from movies or books (e.g. I want to be as courageous as Popeye the Sailor). Step 3: Draw an imaginary circle in front of you on the floor. Step 4: Step into that circle and fill it with the energy from your resourceful state. While you are standing in the circle, see, hear and feel the sights, sounds, and sensations that are associated with that resourceful state (courage, joy, etc.) Pay attention to the details of your experience. What happens in your body and mind, while you are in this state?
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Step 5: Intensify your experience of the resourceful state by making changes to what you see, hear and feel. Try making visuals brighter and more animated, sounds louder and higher pitched, and feelings warmer and gentler. You might even want to add smell and taste to enhance your experience of the resourceful state. Step 6: Step out of the circle and take a moment to break state. Breaking state means shaking a state off, so that you are back to neutral. In order to do this, try shaking your hands and whole body, similar to a dog that wants to shake the water of its fur. Alternatively, spelling your name backwards works too. Take some deep breaths. Step 7: Now step back into your Circle of Excellence to test if it works. Your neutral state should once more transform into your resourceful state, i.e. you should be experiencing what you experienced in steps 4 & 5. Step 8: Step out of the circle once more and break state. Step 9: Think about the goal you picked in the first step of this exercise. The one for which you need the resourceful state. Step 10: As you think about your goal, step into your Circle of Excellence and access your resourceful state. If you have successfully charged your circle with your resourceful state, the energy from that state will help you to look at your goal with confidence. Experience how the energy from your Circle of Excellence transforms your attitude towards your goal in a positive, encouraging way. You might get the sense: “I can do this!”
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CONCLUSION You can charge your Circle of Excellence with more than one resourceful state. To do so, just repeat steps 1-7 for each resourceful state you want to add. For example, if you have a job interview coming up, you might want to mix yourself a Circle of Excellence with courage, calmness, focus, and charm. You get the idea… And after you have created a Circle of Excellence, you can use it literally anywhere and anytime you want. While you are waiting for your taxi to an important meeting, stand in your circle. While you are riding in the taxi, sit in it. Use your Circle of Excellence to access resourceful states any time you want.
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Reframing a Bad Experience Sometimes we know where we want to go, we even know how to get there, but we are simply stuck in the past. Bad thoughts and emotions spill into our daily routine, caused by dark memories of our past bad experiences. This is really unfortunate, since not only did these bad experiences hurt us back then, they are also hurting us right now, as they compel us to pass by opportunities for joy and happiness in the present moment. And they rob us of our confidence. The following exercise can help you to weaken the impact of those dark memories. After you have done the exercise you will still have the memory, but it will not bother you so much any more.
Here is how it works:
Step 1: With open or closed eyes recall a memory that is bothering you. As you are recalling this scene of the past you might inwardly be: -
Seeing things (faces, buildings, nature, etc.)
-
Hearing sounds (voices, background noise, etc.)
-
Feeling some bodily sensation (temperature, touch, etc.)
-
Smelling or tasting things (scents, food, etc.)
Step 2: Check in with yourself. Notice how recalling this memory affects your emotions. Pay attention to how your body reacts as you remember the past. Step 3: Pick a “Sum-Up Scene.” After reviewing your memory a couple of times pick one scene from it that best sums up the whole experience. Once you have made your pick, freeze it into a still scene.
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Step 4: Put a frame around that still scene. Think about what kind of frame you want to use? E.g. wooden with ornaments or sleek silver metal? Play around with this until you have found a frame you like. Step 5: Turn the scene into a photograph or painting. What kind of photograph or painting? Your choice entirely. Anything from a classy black and white shot to an impressionistic French painter or a child’s painting done with finger paint. Step 6: Now imagine how you take that framed photograph or painting and hang it in a museum. Take a moment to smell the air in that museum and hear its muffled sounds. Make it real. Then, look at your memory hanging on the museum wall and check in with your emotions. Does that memory still have a negative impact on your emotional state? How does your body react when you look at the picture in the frame hanging on the wall?
Here is a different spin on the same exercise for audio-oriented people.
Step 1: Pick a negative memory like you did in the first exercise and experience it with your five senses (see above). Step 2: Check in with yourself. As you are running that scene, pay attention to your emotions and how your body feels. Step 3: Musical mismatch. Pick some kind of music that mismatches the emotions you got from your bad memory. Any kind of music (classical, pop, jazz, cartoon music, etc…). The music you pick should seem somewhat ridiculous in combination with the memory.
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Step 4: Neutralizing the memory’s negative power. Play the music along with your bad memory and notice the effect this has on how the memory makes you feel.
CONCLUSION Both reframing exercises are designed to weaken the negative impact of bad memories. For most people framing and hanging their negative experience on a wall in an “internal” museum brings emotional relief; and so does playing a funny or happy (and mismatching) tune along with it. It takes the drama out of it all. If you had trouble getting relief the first time you did the exercise, try again and use some different frames, museums, tunes, etc. These exercise by themselves are not intended to deal with severe traumatic experiences. You should seek professional help in such cases. However, they will help you to let go of grudges, overcome fear and deal with bad memories. You will experience a new sense of freedom and confidence as the negative thoughts and emotions linked to past experiences, fade in your memory.
References: NLP, The New Technology of Achievement, The NLP Comprehensive Training Team, 1996.
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Chapter 5 Anchors and State Management Anchor s DEFINITIO N
The NLP term of anchors sounded quite mystical to me, when I first heard it. Surely it did not refer to the anchor of a sailboat, I thought. As I found out later, it does refer to a ship’s anchor, metaphorically speaking, and more specifically to the function it has. An anchor connects the boat with the bottom of the ocean in order to keep the boat from drifting away. NLP uses the term anchor to describe the connection between a sensory trigger and a specific physical/emotional state.
Definition Anchor: An anchor is any sense stimulation, internally or externally that triggers a state. Definition State: A state is the sum of mental and physical processes that shape a person’s experience of reality at a given time.
Some anchors trigger states of confidence in you, others rob you of it. In this chapter, we are going to take a look at which anchors work for and against you.
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ANCHORS LEAD TO S TATES As a result of this correlation between Anchors and States we often walk through life on autopilot, reacting automatically to external (visual, audio, touch, temperature, and smell) or internal (memories, thoughts, emotions, etc.) stimulation (Anchors) by activating certain mental and physical processes (States). These examples should make the concept of anchors easier to understand:
ANCHOR
STATE
Red traffic lightAlertness
triggers triggers
Picture of a loved Positive one emotion triggers and memories Thought of boss
triggers
Fear, defensiveness, nervousness, loss of
confidence, etc. Smell of apples Childhood memories triggers
STATES LEAD TO B EHAVIOR And, of course, it doesn’t stop at the anchor leading to a state, because states lead to behavior. The thought of your boss, who has been criticizing you in front of the entire department puts you into a state of low confidence, as a result of which you display the behavior “keeping a low profile.” The picture of a loved one might make you remember good times and put you in a positive and warm state, as a result of which you are happy and confident for the rest of the day.
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By that logic, we can argue that anchors usually produce behavior (via the indirect route of States).
ANCHOR
BEHAVIOR
STATE
Red traffic lightStop car
Alertness
Picture of a loved one
Positive
Making a phone call, striking up a
emotions
conversation, being friendly, planning a
Fear
Leaving room, searching for new
visit Thought of boss
employment, working unproductively
Smell of apples
Childhood
Buying apples, looking at old pictures,
memories
talking about the past, contacting old
friends
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LIVING ON A UTOPILOT As you can see from this chart, an anchor will usually lead to some kind of behavior. Sometimes an anchor leads to behavior that serves your best interests and sometimes it does not. It is interesting to note that we often act in response to an anchor without being consciously aware of it. In such moments it is almost as if we are on autopilot, which sometimes is practical, because it saves us time and effort. We enjoy it if we don’t have to focus consciously on tasks such as eating, walking, writing, etc. At other times, however, the autopilot gets us into big trouble.
AUTOPILOT + NEGATIVE STATE = BAD C OMBINATION It is usually when an anchor triggers a negative state in a situation involving other people that we want to switch off the autopilot. Negative states are potentially destructive, because they can lead to negative behavior that results in harm to self and others. If an anchor triggers a negative state, it is best to consciously take a step back and take a deep breath before taking any kind of action. That way you have a chance to catch yourself before you do or say something you will later regret. The skill that is needed to keep you from being ruled by your negative states is what NLP calls state management.
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State Management RESOURCEFUL S TATES The key to being confident is remaining in resourceful states, especially when faced with challenging situations. If you want to be confident it comes down to managing your states. If you want to manage your states, you have to learn more about your anchors. Ultimately, this search will take you back to analyzing your logical levels (chapter 2). But start with examining your states first. Most people do not realize that we are constantly in a state. In fact, we “cannot not” be in a state. Even if we were devoid of a physical, intellectual and emotional internal process, that would be a state in itself. As long as you walk this earth you are going to be in one state or another; And if you are like most of us, you will be going through a wide variety of states on a daily basis, sometimes changing between states in a matter of minutes or even seconds. States can be resourceful (happy, motivated, creative, etc.) or non-resourceful (angry, resentful, fearful, etc.) People who spend the majority of their time in resourceful states are more likely to lead a successful and gratifying life, even if not necessarily an easy life (does anyone?). If you are in a resourceful state you can make the best of any situation. And you are confident. It is the number one criterion to success in any walk of life. Likewise, if you are in a non-resourceful state you will say and do things that draw tension and complications into your life. And you will lack confidence.
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State Management Exercise So the million-dollar question is this: How do you maintain a resourceful state in the midst of the many challenges you face every day? The answer is easy in theory and, of course, not so easy in practice! There are three key points when it comes to state management: 1. Know your states and what triggers them. 2. Neutralize the triggers that put you in non-resourceful states. 3. Optimize and add to the triggers that activate your resourceful states.
KNOWING YOUR STATES AND WHAT TRIGGERS T HEM This takes some practice in the art of introspection. Check in with yourself several times a day, noticing your state. What does your body feel like? What are your thoughts and emotions? Once you have noticed your state, think about how this state limits or empowers you. Is it a desirable state? Do you like yourself in that state? Next, track back in time to the moment that state started and ask yourself, “What started it?” Was it a phone call from your friend? Did you remember/forget something important? Did you succeed or fail at something? Link you state to a particular incident, something that triggered it. Example: You got your paycheck in the mail (anchor) and are in a relaxed, upbeat state as a result of it. Write down such an anchor-state connection. If you do this kind of introspection on a daily basis, you will get a good idea of what your main states are and what anchor triggered them.
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NEUTRALIZE THOSE ANCHORS THAT PUT YOU IN A NON-RESOURCEFUL S TATE There are several ways to do this, depending on what kind of anchor you are dealing with. Example 1: You enter a non-resourceful state every time you get an email from a person you have been avoiding. You might neutralize this anchor (the email) by contacting that person and clarifying the unresolved issues that bother you. After you have done this, you will either no longer receive emails from that person or it will not negatively affect your state if you do. Example 2: Every time you walk into your office, you are disgusted with the mess on your desk, in the shelves, the drawers, and the file cabinet. You are too busy to clean it up right now and decide to start working. You find yourself unfocussed and disorganized, working on many projects at the same time, making no real progress in any of them. You might neutralize the anchor (messy office) by cleaning up the mess and find a sudden change in your ability to work productively (state).
DEALING WITH DEMONS FROM THE P AST If your negative anchors are the result of bad or even traumatizing experiences from the past, you have the option of seeking professional help (coaching, therapy, etc.) If you want to work on neutralizing these negative anchors yourself, you can try the following: Ask yourself what being in the non-resourceful state (which this particular negative anchor triggers) does for you. Ask your negative state (anger, fear, etc.) internally, as if you were speaking to a person: “What is your positive intention for me?” In many cases you will receive an answer from your inner voice that sounds a little bit like this: “To keep you safe from X happening again.” In this case your
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negative state actually acts as a protective mechanism that is trying to save you from harm. Example: Katherine was in a car accident and now, three years later becomes fearful when sitting as a passenger in a speeding car. Instead of being silently paralyzed by fear, and vowing never again to get herself into this position, wouldn’t it be better for her to ask the driver: “Could you please slow down? It bothers me when we are going so fast.” However, she is frozen by fear and keeps quiet. In order to get to the point where Katherine speaks up and asks the driver to slow down, she first has to become aware of her state of fear. Then she can ask her fear “What is it you want for me?” The answer will most likely be “Safety.” Interestingly, her fear believes that ‘keeping quiet’ will keep her safe. Such irrational behavior is typical for negative states. Furthermore, we have a tendency to be unaware of our negative state. Only when Katherine becomes aware of her nonresourceful state and what it is looking for (in this case: safety), can she make a conscious choice to speak up and assert herself, instead of remaining inactive and being ruled by fear.
YOUR LACK OF CONFIDENCE MIGHT BE A MECHANISM THAT IS DESIGNED TO PROTECT YOU
If you lack confidence in any area of your life, ask that lack of confidence as if it were a person: “Lack of confidence, what are you trying to achieve for me?” Then listen. You will most likely get an answer that has to do with “keeping you safe.” Find ways to guarantee that safety by better means, and strike a deal with your lack of confidence. Once it is satisfied that you are safe, it will subside and your natural confident self will shine forth.
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OPTIMIZE AND ADD TO THE TRIGGERS THAT PUT YOU IN RESOURCEFUL S TATES Having made a list of all your states and their corresponding anchors, sort out the states that you find most empowering. These states produce harmony, efficiency and enthusiasm in your life. Again, notice which anchors triggered them. It could have been events, encounters, or memories, for example. See if there is a main theme among those positive anchors. Do they all have to do with your partner, your kids, your hobby or a concept like ‘helping people’? Try to find one or more headlines for your positive triggers. Next, design a schedule that involves a good spread of those positive anchors throughout your week. It helps to have at least three of them (even if little ones) every day; a strong positive anchor in the morning will set the stage for your daily state. Most likely the anchor will be an activity you enjoy like riding your bike, meditating, listening to music, or interacting with loved ones. Lastly, if you can, finish you day in a resourceful state. To do this, try planting a positive anchor in the evening (nice meal, reading a book, spending time with a loved one, etc.). When you build a foundation of positive anchors into your daily routine, you will find that in time your base state will be a resourceful state – your foundation of happiness.
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Creating an Anchor INTRODUCTION Yes, you can create your own anchors. That is one of the good things about being such an automaton; you can actually program yourself in a positive way. And if you have done the exercises in chapter 4, you actually have already created an anchor. The Circle of Excellence, for example, is an anchor. You create a vortex of positive energy, saturated with the qualities you desire. That vortex is an anchor. As you step into your circle you “fire the anchor” as we say in NLP. In other words, you activate it. As a result, your state changes in the desired way. You become imbued with the resources you put into your Circle of Excellence. You can create a large variety of anchors. Anchors can be visual, auditory, kinesthetic, gustatory and olfactory. In other words, they can be based on sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell.
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Basic Steps of Creating an Anchor 1. Decide which state you want to create an anchor for. 2. Think deeply of a time in your life when you experienced that state. If you have never experienced it, think deeply of someone who has. I did this exercise once with someone who wanted to anchor the state of “humor” but had no reference experience of humor in his past to access. We ended up using the cartoon character “Bugs Bunny” (which he was a big fan of) to help him access the state of humor. 3. Once you have a strong sense of the state for which you want an anchor, create the anchor by connecting it to a sensation. 4. Once the anchor has been created, you should end up with your desired state every time you fire it. Firing an anchor means activating it. You can do this by visualizing, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling the anchor depending on what kind of anchor you created.
Different Types of Anchors Visual anchor: Visualize a symbol, a scene, a picture or face that embodies the desired state. Whatever you are visualizing can be in the format of a movie or still pictures. Both work. Auditory anchor: Internally create music to go along with your desired state. Think of the museums exercise in chapter 4, where you played a silly tune along with your negative memory from the past. The silly tune was an anchor for a state of humor. You attached it to the bad memory (a negative anchor in itself) in order to change the resulting state to a less gloomy one. Go ahead and choose any music or sound to produce states of courage, kindness, calmness, focus, excitement, etc.
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Kinesthetic anchor: Press your thumb and index finger together until you have a sensation of pressure. Any other physical movement that produces a sensation detectable by your skin can be used as kinesthetic anchor. Usually people use their fingers or hands in a pressing/squeezing way, simply because it is most practical and works well. Gustatory anchor: Create a sensation of tasting something while being in your desired state (e.g. eat or drink something). I have never heard of anybody actively creating gustatory anchors for the purpose of anchoring a state, but it is definitely possible! Olfactory anchors: Use a scent to anchor a state by smelling a distinct fragrance when being in your desired state. Inhale the fresh air in a forest while internally focusing on your desired state, for example. Combine Anchors: You can create an anchor that is a movie with sound, touch, taste, and smell. There are no limits to what kind of anchors you can create! Here is an example: Gwen stands at a beach and looks out over the ocean. As she experiences deep peace, she decides to create a kinesthetic anchor to capture that peace. She presses the thumb and index finger of her right hand together and creates a sensation of pressure. As her fingers are in this position, she deeply dives into her inner peace. After a few minutes of this, she decides to go back home. That evening, as she brushes her teeth, she decides to test her anchor. She presses her thumb and index finger together and immediately experiences the peace she felt when looking out over the ocean.
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Here is another example: Mark loves to play basketball. He has a tendency to be hard on himself when he misses a shot and as a result gets angry and frustrated. At work, however, he is always extremely focused. One day he decides to anchor his state of being focus at work and bring it to his basketball game. As he is in his office and experiences his state of focusing, he inwardly hums a melody that suits his calmness and focus. He does this for a whole week, whenever he remembers it. On the weekend he plays basketball and finds himself, once more, confronted with anger and frustration. He remembers the auditory anchor for calmness and focus he created at work during the week and inwardly starts humming his anchor melody. He feels how the anger and frustration ebbs away and is replaced by focus and calmness.
CONCLUSION Anchors can be your friends or enemies. For better or for worse, anchors will always be part of our lives. They are part of being human. The key is to become aware of them, so that we have a choice before we are thrown into a state and the accompanying behaviors. Knowing your anchors allows you to live more consciously and confidently. Wisely creating you own anchors is a giant step towards creating the life you dream of.
References: NLP Vol. I, Dilts, R., Grinder, J., Bandler, R. and J., DeLozier, J. 1980. An Overview of Learning, Dilts, R., 1998.
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Chapter 6 Beliefs
INTRODUCTION Our beliefs are at the core of who we are. They guide our decisions and behavior in all areas of life. They determine what we think is or is not possible. They predict the future by linking our actions to consequences in an “if… then…” manner. More often than not, they prove to be self-fulfilling prophecies, i.e. we believe something and it comes to pass. And they very much determine our level of confidence. Some of our beliefs are not fully our own, but rather blindly taken on from others. Once a belief is formed, we work overtime to prove it right, even if the belief is something negative like “Nobody likes me” or “I am a failure.” Any feedback that validates our belief is highlighted, whereas feedback that contradicts it, is ignored. Do we have to let our beliefs govern us, even if they are harmful to others and ourselves? Can we consciously make changes to what we believe? In the first half of the 20
th
century the world believed that it was impossible to
run a mile under four minutes. When, on May 6
th
1954, Roger Bannister ran a mile
in 3.59 minutes, everyone was in awe. Then, a curious development took place. Within the following year many other runners ran the mile under four minutes. It was as if a spell had been broken. To understand this phenomenon better, we have to take a closer look at our beliefs, and how they affect us.
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Overcoming Limiting Beliefs EMPOWERING AND LIMITING B ELIEFS Some of the beliefs we hold give us great strength and empowerment. Studies show that, on average, people who believe they are healthy live 7 years longer than those who think they are unhealthy, regardless of their actual health condition at the time of the survey. Other beliefs zap our energy and confidence. They tell us that we cannot achieve our goals, or that we are not worthy of other people’s acceptance. Those kinds of beliefs are called ‘Limiting Beliefs’ in NLP. They typically sound like “I am ugly”, “I will never be successful”, “People don’t like me”, etc. NLP groups Limiting Beliefs into three categories: Hopelessness: My goal cannot be achieved under any circumstances. Helplessness: My goal can be achieved, but I lack the ability to achieve it. Worthlessness: I don’t deserve to achieve this goal, because of something I am/am not or have/have not done.
REFERENCE E XPERIENCES Limiting beliefs can be a result of significant experiences (reference experiences) in our lives. Robert Dilts, one of today’s leading NLP trainers, tells the story about the man who, as a nine-year- old, killed his friend’s three-year-old brother, while playing baseball. He was focusing so hard on his next swing that he did not notice the young boy running behind him. As a result he formed the belief “If I go after my goal, I end up hurting others.” This belief made it very difficult for him to succeed in his adult life.
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BUILDING AWARENESS OF THE B ELIEF When attempting to overcome limiting beliefs the first step is to become aware of them. This can be challenging, since our limiting beliefs have a way of hiding from us. They like to stay in the background, where they don’t have to explain themselves. It is almost like they are afraid that they will be proven wrong, if examined too closely. In order to uncover limiting beliefs, ask yourself questions like: In case of Hopelessness: Why is this goal unattainable? In case of Helplessness: What skills do I lack to attain it? In case of Worthlessness: Why don’t I deserve to achieve this goal? If you calmly ask yourself these types of questions, you will uncover the limiting beliefs that stand in-between you and your goal. It is important to note that beliefs tend to come in clusters. Keep analyzing your beliefs, until you feel satisfied that you have uncovered all of the limiting beliefs that stand in your way. Once you are aware of your limiting beliefs analyze the way they affect your behavior. In an exercise at the end of this chapter you can connect your actions to your beliefs. Under this kind of examination your limiting beliefs will start to lose some of their power over you.
UNCOVER THE PURPOSE BEHIND THE B ELIEF Analyze you beliefs for their purpose. Ask yourself, “How does holding this belief serve my best interest?” Often beliefs serve a purpose. If you are getting some payoff from holding a belief, but at the price of some unpleasant side effects, look for a belief that gives you the same payoff without the side effects. For example, replace a belief like “Men are trouble” by “Some men are trouble and I need to be careful to make sure I choose a man with a good character, as my
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partner.” The payoff for both those beliefs is “being safe from pain”, but the second belief is less limiting and allows you to actually go on a date.
PROVING A BELIEF W RONG One way to stop believing that you cannot do something is to just do it. Once a belief has been proven wrong it loses its power, as was evident when Roger Bannister ran the mile in under four minutes. Of course, common sense should be applied to this approach so as to avoid harming self and others. Trying to form the belief that you can fly by ‘doing it’ might not be a good idea!
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Thought Viruses WHAT IS A THOUGHT V IRUS? Once a limiting belief has been formed, it can become autonomous, i.e. become disconnected from the circumstances under which it was created and become what NLP calls a ‘Thought Virus’. The man who killed his friend’s little brother (see above) could not make the connection between his current limiting belief and the baseball incident in the past. The connection was eventually made with the help of a therapist. A thought virus is a ‘free-floating’ belief within our belief system that we cannot link to a specific reference experience. In other words, we believe something without knowing why we believe it. Such thought viruses are often outside our awareness, even though they might strongly influence our behavior and decisions. Having the qualities of a virus, the disconnected belief is free to infect any part of our life.
CHILDREN AND THOUGHT V IRUSES Children tend to take on board beliefs without screening them for their validity. They have a natural tendency to absorb the beliefs of the people around them and therefore can easily contract thought viruses. Parents often don’t realize that their behavior and attitude provide the basis for the beliefs their children form. By watching their parents children learn how to interact with others and the world in general. They learn how to solve problems and attain goals. Such skills are based on beliefs about what is possible and appropriate. Spoken instructions are weaker than the example parents give, because children naturally model their elders.
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Example: A thought virus like “If I show others who I truly am, they will respond negatively” might have been formed during an art project at school, where a narrowminded teacher gave you bad marks for a very creative piece of work. It could be the result of you writing a very personal letter to a significant person in your life and receiving a negative response. Any situation in which you felt you were being true to yourself but rejected by others could lead to such a belief. The day the belief was formed it was a limiting belief, connected to a specific situation, but as the years went by, you forgot about where the belief came from and it became a thought virus.
Whatever the situation under which the belief was formed, once it separates itself from the context under which it came to life, it can travel freely through your belief system and affect your behavior and decisions in life, without you being aware of it.
CONTRACTING A THOUGHT V IRUS Thought viruses can travel from one person to the other, much like the flu. This happens, when a person that is of significance to you, passes his or her beliefs on to you, by acting or speaking in a manner that implies the belief. This kind of belief transfer can happen one-on-one, within a family or group of people, or even on a national and international level. Our society recognizes the issue of thought viruses and sets guidelines for people in leadership roles, such as parents, teachers, doctors, politicians, etc. which require them to abstain from speech and behavior that is considered harmful. If they fail to be a role model for morally appropriate behavior, society quickly strips them of their leadership role.
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This is a protective measure that aims at keeping thought viruses with destructive power away from the masses. If Oprah and Dr. Phil were openly supportive of drugs, violence and racism, their shows would be taken off the air. Nevertheless, a lot of violence is still shown in movies, today. To prevent people from contracting a thought virus like “violence is an acceptable tool to solve problems” such movies are subjected to age restrictions. Another Example of a Thought Virus: Steve tends to get nervous whenever he gets too much attention from others. He prefers to stay in the background, away from the spotlight. At social gatherings he likes to talk to maybe one or two people at a time, quietly and out of earshot of others. As soon as someone new steps up to listen in on his conversation, he freezes and forgets his point. His behavior could be labeled shyness, however, it has deep roots in his childhood. Steve’s father, a university professor, being utterly absorbed in his studies of political theory, never paid much attention to him. All of Steve’s attempts to get his father to show interest in his projects (basketball, music, boy scouts, etc.) failed. As a result Steve formed the belief “I don’t deserve attention from my father.” As he grew up this limiting belief became the thought virus “I don’t deserve attention from others.” No longer was the belief specific to his relationship with his father but it now applied to his relationship with every person in his life. In order for Steve to get rid of his thought virus he had to first become aware of it. Once he realized that he held the belief “I don’t deserve attention from anyone” he could start tracing it back to its origin. Remembering his unfulfilling relationship with his father, he was able to challenge and transcend the belief.
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In order to get rid of thought viruses ask yourself: What is the origin of this belief? Do I have enough evidence from personal experience to sustain this belief? Have I taken this belief on from someone else without testing it for its relevance? Is the belief appropriate for the particular context I am applying it in or does it belong into a different context?
CONCLUSION The key to dismantling a thought virus is awareness. Once you realize what your thought virus is, you have a choice of keeping, altering, or doing away with it. A stepby-step exercise to change limiting beliefs and thought viruses is given below.
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Guardian Beliefs SOME BELIEFS ACT TO PROTECT U S Some limiting beliefs take the role of guardians. Such beliefs usually were formed as the result of a negative experience and now act as a protector with the objective of avoiding a similar experience in the future. For example, people who have experienced failure in romantic relationships become hesitant and doubt themselves when it comes to romance. The underlying belief for such people is that romance always ends in pain, a belief for which they find direct proof in their past. The resulting behavior is shyness and inhibition to engage with potential partners.
OVERCOMING A GUARDIAN B ELIEF The way to overcome a guardian-style limiting belief is to uncover its mission. In an inner dialogue talk to such a belief (e.g. ”Romance ends in pain”) as if it were a person. Ask: “Belief, tell me, what is your positive intention for me?” The answer will most likely be something like “To keep you safe from X happening again,” along with memories of past painful experiences. Once you know what your limiting belief is trying to achieve for you, you can start looking for a new way to give it what it wants (e.g. safety) and at the same time do away with the old way and its negative side effects (e.g. shyness). The key is to have an open inner dialogue with your belief so that you understand where it came from and what it is trying to achieve for you.
CONCLUSION Investing some time in uncovering what kind of beliefs you hold, is a good start if you want to make positive changes in your life. Limiting beliefs can be hard to track down but once they are out in the open, they can be undone and laid to rest. With empowering beliefs in place and limiting beliefs out of the way, inner strength and outer success follow naturally.
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Belief Identification Exercise EXERCISE: IDENTIFYING BELIEFS AND RESULTING B EHAVIORS Identify your current beliefs and their effects on your life. First, let’s look for some beliefs that give you strength and energy. Feel free to repeat this exercise with as many empowering beliefs as you want to. Write down three of your empowering beliefs and the behaviors they result in Empowering Belief 1:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
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Empowering Belief 2:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
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Empowering Belief 3:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
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Write down three of your limiting beliefs and the behaviors they result in Limiting Belief 1:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
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Limiting Belief 2:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
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Limiting Belief 3:
Resulting Behavior(s):
Effect of Behavior(s) on Others and Myself:
CONCLUSION Awareness is the key to empowerment. Knowing what empowering and limiting beliefs you are holding and how they affect your behavior is a great step towards taking control of your destiny. In the following exercises we will explore different techniques for changing beliefs.
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Belief Change Exercise INTRODUCTION This exercise aims at replacing an existing limiting belief with a new, empowering belief that will make you feel confident. The exercise is split into three parts, the first one analyzing the limiting belief, the second one making a plan for replacing it, and the third one traveling into the future, experiencing each step of the belief change.
STEP 1: BELIEF ANALYSIS I currently believe that…
I formed this belief under the following circumstances:
The positive intention of my current belief is to…
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I want to change this belief because…
STEP 2: MAPPING OUT THE STAGES OF THE BELIEF CHANGE In order to replace your old belief with a new one, you will have to pace yourself. Some beliefs change overnight, usually as a result of an event that proved the belief wrong. However, in most cases they change slowly. Our beliefs have many years of our life’s experiences to prove them right. In addition they have the benefit of us being accustomed to them. After all, how can we turn on our old companions? For such beliefs, the best way is a gradual approach. Rather than trying to forcefully exterminate our old beliefs, we aim at gradually replacing them with new beliefs. To do this, think of what you want to ultimately believe and what stages lie on the way to that belief. Instead of traveling from Japan to America in one go, let’s stop over in Hawaii. That way the journey becomes more manageable.
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Here is an example: TOM’S CURRENT BELIEF: “Women don’t find me attractive because I am too short” Behavior Supporting the Belief: Tom does not go out much and the few times he does he keeps a low profile and feels apprehensive. THE ULTIMATE BELIEF TOM WANTS: “Women find me attractive” Behavior Supporting the Belief: Tom goes out whenever he feels like it, is open to interacting with women and enjoys himself without feelings of apprehension. He can hardly remember the time when he felt inadequate because of his height. If Tom tries to get from his current belief to his desired belief in one go, he might get discouraged. To breach the gap it helps to place intermediate beliefs in between. INTERMEDIATE BELIEF 1 (E.G. NEXT MONTH): “Most women are fine with my height” Behavior Supporting the Belief: Tom arranges to go out at least once a week. Inwardly, instead of putting himself down because of his height he focuses on having fun. He reads books on self-improvement and motivation. INTERMEDIATE BELIEF 2 (E.G. IN 3 MONTHS): “Some women find me attractive” Behavior Supporting the Belief: Tom goes out frequently and engages in conversation with women, if they seem nice. He works out, eats healthy, dresses nicely and spends time getting to know himself better. He is emotionally balanced and affirms inwardly that he is attractive. After adding these two intermediate goals, Tom’s ultimate goal (see above) does no longer seem so hard to reach.
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Try to make a detailed plan that allows you to gradually switch from your old to your new belief. In the following you will find the blueprint for a step-by-step belief change. Fill in your current (1) and ultimate (4) beliefs first, then fill in the two intermediary stages (2,3) to bridge the gap. Feel free to change the time frames (days, weeks, months, etc.) for the intermediary stages and to add more stages if needed. Complete the Following Fields: (1) Currently, I believe that
I am supporting this belief by behaving in the following way:
(2) In
(e.g. 2 weeks) I want to believe that
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I am going to support this belief by behaving in the following way:
(3) In
(e.g. 2 months) I want to believe that
I am going to support this belief by behaving in the following way:
(4) Ultimately I want to believe that
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I am going to support this belief by behaving in the following way:
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STEP 3: BELIEF CHANGE EXERCISE
STEP 1: Lay out on the floor the following Positions: Current Belief Position Desired Belief Position Halfway Belief Position Two Intermediate Belief Positions Neutral Observer Position STEP 2: Step into the Current Belief Position and experience your current belief. Direct your attention inward and notice the thoughts, images, sounds and feelings that come to you when you focus on this belief. Mentally watch yourself doing the behaviors associated with this belief. Stay in this position for a few minutes, until you feel satisfied that you have fully connected to this belief. Step out of the Current Belief Position and step into the Neutral Observer Position. Break state by taking a deep breath and spelling your name backwards. Leave all emotions and thoughts from the Current Belief Position behind.
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Optional: Standing in the Neutral Observer Position imagine being a neutral observer, like a fly on the wall, looking at yourself standing in the Current Belief Position. Use your imagination to see how you looked a few moments ago, as you were standing in the Current Belief Position. What do you notice (body language, posture, facial expression) when you look at yourself standing in the Current Belief Position from the Neutral Observer Position? STEP 3: Step into your Desired Belief Position. Again, direct your attention inward and notice the thoughts, images, sounds and feelings that come to you. How does it feel to hold this belief? In which way does this belief change your life? Mentally watch yourself doing the behaviors associated with this belief. Step out of the Desired Belief Position and step into the Neutral Observer Position. Again, break state by taking a deep breath and spelling your name backwards. Leave all emotions and thoughts from the Desired Belief Position behind. Optional: Standing in the Neutral Observer Position imagine being a neutral observer, like a fly on the wall, looking at yourself standing in the Desired Belief Position. Use your imagination to see how you looked a few moments ago, as you were standing in the Desired Belief Position. What do you notice (body language, posture, facial expression) when you look at yourself standing in the Desired Belief Position from the Neutral Observer Position? STEP 4: Step into your Halfway Belief Position. Again, direct your attention inward and notice the thoughts, images, sounds and feelings that come to you. You are now halfway between the belief you want to change and the belief you want to adopt. What kind of belief are you holding in this position? What kind of behavior is associated with this belief? Step out of the Halfway Belief Position and step into the Neutral Observer Position. Again, break state by taking a deep breath and spelling your name backwards. Leave all emotions and thoughts from the Halfway Belief Position behind.
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Optional: Standing in the Neutral Observer Position imagine being a neutral observer, like a fly on the wall, looking at yourself standing in the Halfway Belief Position. Use your imagination to see how you looked a few moments ago, as you were standing in the Halfway Belief Position. What do you notice (body language, posture, facial expression) when you look at yourself standing in the Halfway Belief Position from the Neutral Observer Position? STEP 5 & 6: Repeat the same process for Intermediate Belief Position 1 and 2. Standing in each Intermediate Belief Position direct your attention inward and notice the thoughts, images, sounds and feelings that come to you. You are now halfway between two beliefs. What kind of belief are you holding in this position? What kind of behavior is associated with this belief? STEP 7: Starting from your Current Belief Position, walk through all belief positions until you reach the Desired Belief Position, spending some time in each position on the way. Take your time as you step from one position into the next; experiencing internally how each position holds a different belief and different associated behaviors. Take as much time as you need to walk through your belief positions.
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Repeat Step 7 as many times as you want, but at least 2-3 times. With every time you walk through your belief positions, the transitions between the positions should become smoother until eventually it becomes one continuous walk. Now that you have successfully walked through your belief replacement internally, you will find it easier to manifest the desired changes externally in your life, according to the time frame you have set for the belief change. Optional Enhancement of this exercise: If you want to create anchors for all or some of the positions in this exercise, so that you can access the states associated with the positions at will, go right ahead. To refresh your memory on what anchors are and how to create them, go to chapter 5.
CONCLUSION Beliefs have a lot of power over us. Some of them help us to be successful in life, others rob us of all our confidence. However, we do not have to accept the tyranny of our own beliefs, if we feel they don’t serve our own best interest. We can examine and question them, even transform them, immediately or over time and replace them with more empowering ones. Use the belief change exercises given in this chapter to create the kind of beliefs that give you confidence and happiness in life.
References: Changing Belief Systems with NLP, Dilts, R., 1990. Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Well-Being, Dilts, R., Hallbom, T., Smith, S., 1990.
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Chapter 7 Presuppositions
INTRODUCTION Presuppositions are basic assumptions that serve as a framework for a given context. They are what we fall back on when trying to decide how to behave in a particular situation. You could say presuppositions are beliefs, but they are a particular kind of beliefs that could be compared to game rules. They bring structure and meaning to the context they are applied to. They determine our behavior and the kind of plans we make in life. And they certainly determine our level of confidence. The easiest way to explain presuppositions are everyday examples: Presuppositions About Living on Earth All living organisms need food to survive Objects dropped fall to the ground The earth is round Presuppositions About Aviation Planes need to accelerate to a certain speed before they can take off Birds can crash planes when getting sucked into the engines Flying a plane requires great knowledge and skill Presuppositions About Parenting Parents are legally responsible for their children until age 18 (in America) Children require their parents’ love and attention Children need education and discipline
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PRESUPPOSITIONS AFFECT OUR B EHAVIOR Presuppositions have enormous repercussions for our behavior. When people act, they do so because they believe their action is in some way meaningful. The action’s meaning comes from a presupposition. It is safe to say, that every behavior has a presupposition as its basis. To demonstrate this point, consider these examples: Presupposing that the Earth is round has changed the way people think about traveling to other continents. It led Columbus to seek a western passage to reach India in the East. Presupposing that flying a plane requires great skill has lead to very thorough and lengthy pilot trainings, both for commercial and private aviation. Presupposing that children need education and discipline has led to the development of educational systems.
PRESUPPOSITIONS ARE IThere NFINITE is an infinite number of presuppositions. Every field (science, religion, social interaction, etc.) has its own presuppositions as a basis; to add to the complexity, the individualized versions of those presuppositions vary from person to person. Presuppositions play a big role for your level of confidence or the lack of it. Think about it. What are you presupposing about yourself and others, about your life, your job, your future? What are you presupposing about your ability to be confident? Whatever your presuppositions are, they determine your reality. Change them and you change your reality.
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NLP Presuppositions PRESUPPOSITIONS FOR E XCELLENCE From the start, Neuro-Linguistic Programming aimed at replicating excellence. While studying human beings that were considered excellent in their respective fields, one focus was on finding out what presuppositions these people held. By what ground rules did they play their game? What were the basic assumptions they made about life, people, themselves and their field of study? How did those assumptions support them in their excellence? NLP has come up with a number of presuppositions, which it believes to be the basis of human excellence. According to NLP, people who accept these presuppositions are well equipped to develop excellence and confidence – a great recipe for success in life. The following presuppositions can be considered the very foundation of the science of NLP. NLP does not claim that these presuppositions are true or attempt to prove that they are true. They have emerged as a result of studying the success strategies of people who have excelled. They are meant to be used as tools for supporting people in their attempt to excel in life, rather than serve as rigid dogmatic rules.
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Here are some of the presuppositions NLP deems to be at the core of human excellence:
THE MAP IS NOT THE T ERRITORY Human beings make their own subjective representation of reality. Their map (perception) of the territory (reality) is not the territory itself, but a personalized representation of it. No map is more important or more truthful than any other map, because all maps are equally true and important to their owners. In other words: Everybody’s perspective matters equally, since there is no objective opinion to decide which perspective is correct/true. Given this “stalemate,” NLP claims that learning how to understand other's maps is essential for influencing them and thus for attaining excellence in life. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Paying attention to how others experience a situation Accepting that our own position is subjective Looking at a situation through other people’s eyes
ALL HUMAN BEHAVIOR IS P URPOSEFUL People have a reason for behaving in a certain manner, no matter whether the reason is perceived and understood by their conscious mind, or by other people. When we become aware of the purpose behind our behavior, we are able to deepen our understanding of ourselves and find more resourceful behaviors to achieve the same purpose. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Showing interest in what motivates other’s behavior Showing interest in what motivates our own behavior Compassion for humankind’s struggle with its imperfections
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THERE IS NO FAILURE, ONLY F EEDBACK People, who label themselves or their actions as failures underperform as a result of self-doubt, lack of enthusiasm, and negative emotions such as anger and fear. Failure is valuable feedback that holds key information about how we can adjust our strategy for achieving our goal the next time we try. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Accepting failure without putting oneself down Seeing failure as the next step towards success Motivation to take the risk of trying something new
IF WHAT YOU DO DOES NOT WORK, TRY SOMETHING D IFFERENT The transitions an average human being goes through in one lifetime are numerous. When we are first confronted with an unfamiliar situation, confusion and frustration are often inevitable, especially when we try to resist change. Flexibility is one of the most empowering qualities we can have. People, who are able to change their behavior when necessary, are best suited to be successful in life. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Behavioral flexibility Creativity Openness to change
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PEOPLE DO THE BEST THEY C AN People are as successful in life as their behavioral strategies and beliefs allow them to be. They do the best they can within their experience of reality. If they are underperforming in some areas of their lives it is because they have not yet developed the appropriate strategies and beliefs needed for success. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Showing deeper interest in others Searching for ways to offer people new resources and choices Reduced likelihood of taking other people’s shortcomings personally Approaching conflicts with others with an attitude that focuses on adding the missing resources, rather than retaliation
ALL THE RESOURCES NEEDED ARE ALREADY IN THE S YSTEM Whatever challenges life places in front of us, we already carry within us, all the resources we need in order to be successful, or we can create them. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Actively pursuing goals Inwardly searching for and nurturing resources Feeling a sense of empowerment
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IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN HAVE IThere T is an inherent creative power lying dormant in all of us, a power that allows us to bring our dreams into manifestation. Mankind has proven again and again that it can achieve greatness in the fields of science, art, sport, etc. All that is required is an idea, a vision, a dream. The reversal of this presupposition is “If you can’t dream it, you can’t have it.” So start dreaming! Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Becoming creative Willingness to set new goals Feeling motivated and enthusiastic about the future
THE MOST FLEXIBILITY PART OF A SYSTEM GAINS CONTROL OF THE S YSTEM Our world consists of countless systems like organizations, families, countries, etc. Anything that consists of more than 2 parts can be considered a system. The most flexible part of a system has the ability to communicate with all other parts and therefore has the widest reaching influence. Over time, this part will gain control over the system. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Developing better communication with others Venturing past our personal comfort zone Being open to change
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THE MEANING OF A COMMUNICATION TO ANOTHER PERSON IS THE RESULTING RESPONSE FROM THAT PERSON, REGARDLESS OF THE INTENTION OF THE COMMUNICATOR
When communicating with another person, it helps to make it our business to “speak their language.” If they respond in a way that is unexpected and negative, we should claim responsibility for that failed communication and alter our message in such a way that the other person can receive it the way we mean it. To do this effectively, we have to learn more about how the other person makes sense of our communication. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Working on improving communication skills Not taking offense to other’s negative responses Striving to learn more about others’ way of communicating
MORE CHOICES LEAD TO E MPOWERMENT The more choices our maps of the world offer us, the more empowered we are. All areas of our lives thrive when presented with many choices. Having only one or two choices to choose from limits our inherent potential for excellence. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: Throwing off confining beliefs Breaking out of confining environments Embracing new possibilities
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PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN THEY GAIN ACCESS TO THE NEEDED R ESOURCES People do what they do because it is the best they can do with the resources they believe they have. Even if they have a desire to change, without the needed resources, change is difficult. When they gain access to the resources they need, they are able to make the changes they desire. The needed resources might be a different sense of self, a certain belief, a skill, information, material items or money, for example. Acceptance of this presupposition leads to: A desire to build resources in others and self Solving conflicts by adding the missing resources Patience and understanding
CONCLUSION If you are like most people, you will have to digest these presuppositions and really think them through. Some of them are not easy to accept, especially when they challenge us to change our attitude and behavior. There is no need to force yourself to accept these presuppositions, because “forcing yourself to believe something never works” (…one of my personal presuppositions). Rather, try them on for size and see if they work for you. The next exercise will allow you to do just that…
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NLP Presupposition Exercise INTRODUCTION This exercise allows you to try out various presuppositions and see if accepting them as true, makes a difference for you. It is a great way to get a new angle on a conflict you are stuck in. If you want to use this exercise to build your confidence, chose a presupposition such as “I am unique in this universe. It would not be complete without me. I have a real contribution to make and the world will be a better place when I decide to make it.” Exercise:
STEP 1: Mark out a problem space to stand in. This will be the space in which you can try on some of your problems. STEP 2: Mark out a presupposition space you can stand in (like you did in the Circle of Excellence Exercise). This will be your tryout space in which you can experiment how your problems feel in combination with different presuppositions. STEP 3: Stand in the problem space and think of a problem you want to resolve. Close your eyes and experience how you feel internally as you focus on your
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problem. Pay attention to the visual, audio and kinesthetic sensations that come to you while you are in the problem space. STEP 4: Step out of the problem space and choose a presupposition you want to try out. Use some of the NLP presuppositions to start with. If you want to try the exercise with your own homemade presuppositions after that, feel free to do so. What you are aiming at are presuppositions that will empower and motivate you. STEP 5: Symbolically, put the presupposition into your presupposition space. To do this, use a gesture or make a sound to “switch on” that presupposition. Like switching on the bubble jets in a whirlpool. Imagine that, while the presupposition is switched on, it is true. STEP 6: Step into your presupposition space and experience your problem again. How does the problem present itself with the background of the presupposition (e.g. “All the resources needed are already in the system”)? Pay attention to your internal sensations (visual, audio, kinesthetic). Can you see, hear or feel any new aspects of the problem you are dealing with? Maybe even solutions? STEP 7: Repeat these steps for as many presuppositions and problems as you like.
References: The Structure of Magic, Vol. I, Bandler, R., Grinder, J., 1975.
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Conclusion Congratulations, you have completed the E-book! WHERE DO YOU GO FROM H ERE? First, let me tell you that I am proud of you for making the effort to improve the quality of your life. Building confidence has a lot to do with personal change and transformation and therefore naturally can be an exhausting and daunting undertaking. You have to really work at it, if you want to become your most confident, inspired and powerful self. I greatly respect anyone, who does not shy away from this challenge. Secondly, let me make a few suggestions that will help you keep your momentum going. 1. Come back to read in this E-book frequently. The material covered in this manual is very organic, which means it interacts with you over time, slowly being integrated into your system. The real benefit lies in applying it frequently in your daily life, because it is learned easiest through direct experience. For example, you might have enjoyed reading about the presuppositions in chapter 7, but it will be months or even years later, that you fully realize the power behind them. As time goes by, all the empowering concepts you have absorbed will become your second nature. To get the most benefit out of this E-book, read it again after a few months and years and see how much you have absorbed and become a different person as a result of it.
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2. Apply what you have learned. Life can be a lot of fun, if we learn to live in harmony with others and ourselves. The techniques and concepts in this Ebook give you great tools to learn how to make the changes you desire in life. Make use of that knowledge by applying it. Set powerful goals with the goal setting exercise, access resources with the Circle of Excellence, overcome limiting beliefs with the exercises given in Chapter 6, and make a conscious effort to align your logical levels. You will see the benefits materializing right in front of your eyes! 3. Learn more about Neuro – Linguistic Programming. This manual only covers parts of NLP. There is a lot more to be discovered. It is a field that has an enormous amount of effective tools for self-empowerment and on top of that is fun. To find out more about NLP books and institutes take a look at the resources below. 4. Share what you have learned with others by being Your Greater Self. And by that I mean that you should strive to be an example of an empowered human being. Someone who is a source of inspiration and support for others. Someone who radiates love, peace and contentment. Someone who makes others feel good about themselves. Have I achieved that goal myself? No, but I am working at it. So should you, because you will transform many lives for the better, if you work on being the best you can be. The next section has a selection of books, websites and institutes related to developing confidence and self-empowerment through NLP. I wish you the very best success for all your endeavors! May your live be full of love and prosperity!
Christoph Schertler Certified NLP Trainer President PEC
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Resources NLP & COACHING You can find the following books on www.amazon.com: BOOKS Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D by Richard Bandler and John Grinder (Paperback - Jul 1996)
The Structure of Magic: A Book About Language and Therapy by Richard Bandler (Paperback - Jun 1975)
Using Your Brain--For a Change by Richard Bandler (Paperback - May 1985)
Persuasion Engineering by Richard Bandler and John LA Valle (Hardcover - May 1996)
Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming by Richard Bandler and John Grinder
Trance-Formations: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the Structure of Hypnosis by John Grinder and Richard Bandler (Paperback - Jul 1981)
Reframing: Neuro-Linguistic Programming and the Transformation of Meaning by Richard Bandler and John Grinder (Paperback - Jun 1981)
Healing ADD : Simple Exercises That Will Change Your Daily Life by Thom Hartmann and Richard Bandler (Paperback - April 1998)
Sleight of Mouth: The Magic of Conversational Belief Change by Robert Dilts (Hardcover - Aug 1999)
From Coach to Awakener by Robert Dilts (Paperback - May 2003)
Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Wellbeing by Robert Dilts, Tim Hallbom, and Suzi Smith (Paperback - April 1990)
Modeling With Nlp by Robert Dilts (Hardcover - Jul 1998)
Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Volume I (The Study of the Structure of Subjective Experience) by Robert Dilts (Hardcover - Jun 1980)
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Changing Belief Systems With NLP by Robert Dilts (Hardcover - Jan 1990)
Strategies of Genius, Volume One by Robert Dilts (Paperback - Dec 1995)
Strategies of Genius, Volume II by Robert Dilts (Hardcover - Mar 1994)
Skills for the Future: Managing Creativity and Innovation by Robert Dilts and Gino Bonissone (Hardcover - Jun 1993)
Tools of the Spirit by Robert Dilts and Robert McDonald (Paperback - Jul 1997)
Alpha Leadership: Tools for Business Leaders Who Want More from Life by Anne Deering, Julian Russell, and Robert Dilts (Hardcover - May 15, 2002) Your Inner Coach: A Step-by-Step Guide to Increasing Personal Fulfillment and Effectiveness by Ian McDermott (Paperback - Jul 25, 2004)
NLP and the New Manager by Ian McDermott and Ian Shircore (Paperback - Oct 1, 1998)
The Coaching Bible by Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago (Paperback - Aug 3, 2006)
The NLP Coach: A Comprehensive Guide to Personal Well-being and Professional Success by Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago (Hardcover - Aug 30, 2001)
An Introduction to NLP by Joseph O'Connor and Ian McDermott (Audio CD - Jul 19, 2004)
Brief NLP Therapy Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago (Hardcover - Dec 2001)
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