#CDFragments XXV. The in-between (part two)

XXXIV. The in-between (part two) As she sat on the couch with her second cup of hot choco, Dawn found herself wishing that she could just ---- even for a few moments ---- stop thinking about Richard and all that happened that night. The shoot ended at 10:30PM, and still hyped with energy, the younger members of the cast decided to go out for drinks before heading home. This Richard told Dawn when he saw her coming out of the dressing area, her hair out of the bun, flowing down to her shoulders, a bunch held at the back of her head by a clip. “Naku, Goms, gusto mo talagang sumabay diyan sa 'a couple of drinks' na 'yan?” she asked, her eyebrows scrunched. “'Di ba nu'ng bata tayo, that meant sa bar na maingay?” “What's wrong with that?” He smiled when he gave her that look. “Okay, I'll ask them if we can go someplace more quiet...” “Just for a couple of drinks.” “Yes, ma'am.” They ended up in the beer pong place along Tomas Morato, and while that was relatively quiet compared to an all-out bar, Richard could still see a bit of Dawn's unease as they sat with their bottles of beer, watching Coco and Melissa team up against Joem and Paulo. “You know you can just call your driver kung gusto mo nang umuwi,” he said, catching her a bit by surprise when he held her hand under the table. “You don't have to stay for me.” “It's not that gusto ko nang umuwi... It's just ----” She looked down, a smile forming on her lips. “I feel like we're babysitters to the kids.” She leaned closer and whispered, “Puro jugets ang mga nandito.” He laughed. “Bakit? Bata ba naman tayo ha?” “I think we're already past that stage, Mr. Gomez.” He looked at the time (11PM), and then at the cast so absorbed by beer pong. “You want to go someplace else while waiting for your driver?” “Saan?”

He stood up and she watched him interrupt the game, then the kids turning to her to wave goodbye. He walked back to her and held her hand. “Let's go?” “Saan nga?” “Basta sumama ka na lang, Ms. Zulueta.” ~~~ She downed her second serving of hot choco and cleaned up in the kitchen, Richard permeating even more in her thoughts, the memory of the way he held her hand that night seeping through her mind. As she walked away from the kitchen, she found herself standing in the middle of the quiet living room, not knowing where to go. Who would've thought that you can get lost even at your own home. She looked up and sighed, letting herself go upstairs to check on the children. She walked up barefoot and on tiptoe, careful not to make any noise. She glanced at their bedroom door, and then went straight to Ayisha's, where she found the little girl tucked under the covers, her favorite doll wrapped in her arms. For a moment, she allowed herself to smile, seeing so much of herself in her daughter. She carefully sat on the edge of the bed and stroked Ayisha's hair as she hummed a lullaby. But still, so much for trying to get Richard out of her head.If anything, sitting beside her daughter triggered it even more. Dawn had already known from 20 years ago that Richard was fond of kids ---- something that she relished on when they were invited to birthday parties and christenings of the children of friends and relatives. He wasn't afraid to get his polo tainted with saliva (at one time, even chocolate), to catch up with a sugar-fueled little boy across the backyard, and one time even attempted to tie a little girl's hair into pigtails. There was a certain twinkle in his eyes on moments like those that she would never forget, especially that one time with her friend's baby, when he fed the little bundle of joy in the middle of the baptism rites, careful as he held the bottle of milk to the baby's lips.

He looked up at her that day with a silly smile on his face, and she swore that at that moment, she wanted to have his kids. How he attended to Ayisha during the shoot affirmed that side of Richard that she loved best. Sure, he could be a jerk sometimes, and may be a bit too competitive for her taste, hard-headed and brimming with dislocated pride, picky with the people he would talk to. But once he chose you, he never missed the chance to let you know that he cared with even the simplest gestures. She should know, she thought, even when it may be a tad too cheesy: after all, she was his baby for two years. ~~~ They ended up at the dark and quiet Times Street, near McDonald's. Before she could even ask why they were there, Richard got out of the car with the driver. She sighed and checked her phone, contemplating on whether she should call Vivian so the driver could pick her up. But something was telling her not to, not yet. It was 11:20PM. And so she busied herself with Logos Quiz on her phone, restarting the game since all that Richard had left for her were the difficult levels. She was so absorbed in the game, remembering all of his answers, that she felt a bit jumpy when someone knocked at the window of the left door. She lowered it and saw Richard standing there. “Midnight snack?” he asked, holding up a big McDo paper bag “Wala pang midnight.” “Malapit na din 'yon.” He handed her the bag and got in the driver's seat, looking through the compartment, where he found the foldable cover for the car's front window. At the same time, she dug through contents of the paper bag and found two caramel sundaes, two pieces of apple pie, and large fries. Then, he handed her two rectangular plastic containers. “May Tupperware ka talaga sa kotse...” she said as she placed the fries in

one. Richard went out again, then to the back seat, where he sat with his back rested against the door. Dawn let him pull her by the waist, making her lean her back on him. So they sat in the dark, munching on fries dipped in vanilla soft serve and caramel sauce, playing Logos Quiz together ---- much to Dawn's frustration, because she knew he would leave her to herself when she's already on levels that she was clueless about. And then she noticed. “Uy, 'yung driver mo?” “Itinawag ko ng taxi, sabi ko sunduin 'yung pamilya niya,” he said, kissing her hair. “Tapos mag-McDo sila. Bonding time.” “Para ma-solo mo ako, gano'n?” she teased, looking up at him. He looked serious when he nodded and she pinched his nose. “Sira ulo ka talaga.” She tried to put her attention back to the game, but everything suddenly seemed foreign to her, and she could feel his eyes on her face instead of on the screen. “Wala tayong masasagot kung tititigan mo lang 'yan,” he said after a while, taking the phone from her, gathering her closer as he leaned to the front seat, where he placed it beside his phones. “Ayan, para tahimik tayo.” “Para naman tayong mga bata,” she muttered. “Ikaw ang hilig mong tawaging matanda 'yang sarili mo. Mukha ka namang bata. Tapos minsan isip-bata din.” She turned and slapped his arm playfully. “Hoy, Mr. Gomez! Sino bang mas isip-bata sa ating dalawa, ha?” He laughed and pulled her into a tight embrace, something that she didn't quite expect. He kissed her forehead and spoke with his lips against it. “Natatandaan mo noon, para kang baby, gusto mo laging nakakandong sa akin.” She pulled away to look at him. “Ikaw kaya 'yung may gusto no'n! Laging nakahila sa akin kapag uupo. 'Halika dito. Dito ka maupo.'” She could see that coy smile forming on his lips as they recalled.

“Halika nga dito, dito ka maupo,” he said, imitating her. She looked at him as if he were crazy, but he pulled at her (“Sige na...”) and she obliged, laughing (“Ikaw, ang lakas ng trip mo.”) as she moved to sit on his lap, leaning close to him that the tip of his nose was touching her cheek. She straightened up and hit her head against the roof of the car. His hand was immediately on her head, pulling her down, closer to him, in that protective way, his hand on her waist to support her as he slid down a little on the seat. “And this is why 'di natin ito ginagawa noon sa kotse,” she said, giggling, her hands resting on his chest. She caught the way the smile was already lost on his face, replaced by that strong, tight-lipped expression of his as he reached for her face, his hands snaking through her hair and settling on her neck. He planted a tender kiss on her forehead, then pressed his against hers, the tips of their noses touching. “Tell me to stop,” he whispered, pulling away slightly, his eyes fixed on hers. “Pigilan mo ako kung ayaw mo lang din.” She searched his face and found that in many ways, he still hasn't changed, that it was so easy to read how he felt about her, that he didn't even try to hide it. That he still felt the same way, perhaps even more, and it was going to stay that way no matter how they tried to avoid it. And so she told herself to let go as she inched closer, a hand feeling his jaw as her lips wove into his. Again. And again. And again. She could hear the relief in his breath as he parted her lips even more with his own. “Na-miss ko 'to,” he whispered, his fingers combing through her hair as he took the clip off of it. She felt in sync with him, in that raw and restless manner ---- where his head moved, hers cocked on the other side, so they could kiss better, the way they used to do it all the time decades ago. Her weight rested on him,

and he fastened her close to his body with his other hand on her waist, creeping slightly under the cloth of her top, but never more. His lips were hungrier, though, driven by the taint of caramel sauce and vanilla ice cream on her soft lips. “I love you,” he couldn't help but say. When those three words hung in the air (without any response from her), she felt him settling for the lazy kisses, letting the moment drag on while willing himself to recover from their breathlessness... and for the desire that she could feel pressed against her thigh as she sat on his lap. “I'm sorry,” he said as he pulled away completely, almost as if he was pushing her away to sit back on the cushion. But she remained there and touched his face, feeling how it was void of the stubble that she used to get so OC about and would help his shave. He still wore the same after-shave all these years. The same perfume. The same guilt that she recognized in the first few months of their relationship, when he felt he had stepped beyond a line. She pressed her lips against him again, and for once, geared up to say what the past months had unearthed from their unclosed past. “You don't have to say it back,” he whispered, knowing what was going on in her head. With a half-smile, as if she knew it was going to get her in trouble, she finally voiced out what was in her heart: “Mahal na mahal pa rin kita.