#CDFragments XX. Ties (fourth of five parts)

XX. Ties (fourth of five parts) She was, once again, standing in front of a church, waiting for its doors to open for her. But unlike the first (and real) time that she did this, Dawn kept on tapping her heels, hoping to shake off some of the jitters that she was feeling. It shouldn't be this much of a deal, she kept telling herself, but to no avail. Then the string music started playing and she thought of turning away. Coco stood by her side just in time, taking her hand and tucking in between the fold of his arm. He looked straight ahead, giving her some time to gather herself without prodding, as he had come to learn from Richard in the past year that they had spent shooting. They were quiet as string music started playing, as Paulo opened one of the doors slightly and went inside the church. The music stopped. She could barely hear the exchange of lines, just hoping that it would be long before the strings resume. It wasn't. The music filling her ears and unaware that she had been gripping Coco's arm tightly since they stood in front of the church two minutes ago, she couldn't mask her surprise when the young actor gave her hand a squeeze. He smiled and in the guise of Daniel said, "Ito na 'yun, Ma." Indeed, it was. Smiling back at Coco, knowing that she had mere seconds to compose herself, she decided to identify the tingling in her pit of her stomach not as fear, but as excitement ---- excitement for Emily and Marco, who are finally getting the official start of their "walang hanggan", who are finally done with their decades-long chase, who will finally seal the deal after many years of waiting. She released her pent-up breath when the church doors opened. When she saw Richard, she realized that she was also excited for both of them. Even in pretend, even just for a day, there she was, her feet taking her closer to the altar, closer to the man she once dreamt of sharing this moment with in real life. It shouldn't be a big deal, she was telling herself a while ago.

But she couldn't stop smiling. And when Richard reached for her hand in front of the altar, she knew: Of course, it was a big deal. ~~~ You've told me time and time again not to worry about this scene. You've gone through a number of ways to ease my worries ---- it's just going to be a soft kiss on the lips, you promised, and besides, what could you possible do that's overboard when we would be standing in front of the altar? You even did your silly dance just to cheer me up. Two things: nakakatawa ka talaga sumayaw... and that wasn't really what I was worried about (aside from the honeymoon, which is a whole other story). How do I explain from memory? You probably don't remember, but in one of the last big fights that we had before we broke up, I told you that you had shattered my dreams. Well, one of those dreams was marrying you. It was a possibility that I foolishly entertained after you gave me that ring. The thought would come to me at the simplest circumstances ---- when I found you sleeping on the couch, surely in an attempt to welcome me home from a shoot; when you would pull me to sit on your lap and kiss me, just because; when you would wrap your arm tightly around me as we laugh with friends at parties; when you carefully putter around the kitchen, thinking that I was still asleep... And even on that one time when you got so riled up because you thought the dress the staff were making me wear was too short. (I will never forget that moment, you said, "Love, you have really nice legs, but that dress is just too mini for my taste.") I toyed with the idea on moments when you weren't looking because I didn't want you to see it in my eyes. I didn't want to rush you. But there were times after we fell apart when I thought, What if I told him? Would it have made any difference? Would it have changed your mind about the "extras" in our lives?

Would you look away from the thrill of chasing after other "really nice legs" and settle down with me, for me? It was one of the many things that lie unsaid between us, and I guess I was afraid that all of the feelings I harbored towards you at the time would resurface when I walk down the aisle. And yes, kasama na doon lahat ng sakit ---- the pain that I used as my reason for leaving you, the pain that angered you because you said it was selfish of me to give up, that if I did love you, I would have had the patience that love demands. I never told you (because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain) how difficult it was for me. Because, really, how do you walk away from the love of your life? I had to drag my feet, Richard, and muster enough courage not to turn back. I had to learn how to wake up in the morning knowing that I wouldn't find you or any breakfast in the kitchen. To sleep alone again, hugging the pillow extra tight until your smell on it faded. I needed to learn how to fend for myself (because you spoiled me a bit too much), even when I got sick more often because I chose to work my sadness away until I felt I could no longer be hurt. But the hurt stuck for a while. Especially when I had to see you again, to look at you and still be sure that letting us go was really for the best. It was, and as they say, fate has its own way of sorting through the mess. When you found me again, it was easier to let you back into my life because the hurt was gone. It was easy to accept that we bump into each other all the time because we're meant to be in each other's lives. That you will always be a part of me, and I of you. (I mean, come on ---- we are getting married today, right?) Maybe we just needed to be happy apart so that we could laugh again together. ~~~ The director intended to cut the scene into two parts to give Richard and Dawn some time to wind down, to be comfortable, to maybe talk about

what would be their first onscreen kiss in 20 years. But instead of talking about the scene, they sat on the front pew, played "Logos Quiz", and traded jokes before they eventually fell asleep. "Uy, Dawn, Goms, gising na," Vivian said, shaking the onscreen partners awake. "Balik na sa kasal." Dawn, used to catnapping, was awake in an instant. Richard, having been awake for more than 24 hours, took a little more time. He buried his face in his hands, feeling Dawn's hand rubbing his back. "Gising na," she said. When he looked up, she smiled and reached for his face to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye. "Antok na antok ito, o." "Ano nang nangyayari?" he asked as he sat up straight. Just then, one of the production assistants approached and told them that the director wanted them back in their places. "Pahingi naman ng menthol candy or gum," Dawn told the PA as she and Richard made their way to the altar. "Para saan?" Richard asked when the PA left to get some. "For the kiss," she said matter-of-factly. "Nakatulog tayo eh, baka panis na laway natin." "We napped for 15 minutes." "Still!" She took the candies from the PA and handed Richard one. "You know, napaghahalataan ka, ha," he teased as they both popped the candies in their mouths. "Ikaw yata ang mas may gusto ng kiss na 'to eh." Dawn slapped his arm. "Sira ulo ka talaga! Kagabi ka pa guwapong guwapo sa sarili mo ha." "O, nagba-blush ka!" he said, trying not to laugh. By then, she had already burst into her bungisngis. "Richard, tigilan mo ako ha!" "'Di mo nga mabitiwan ang kamay ko eh. Kilig na kilig ka!"

She said "Richard!" ---- with matching gigil ---- out loud, which had the staff laughing, and her blushing even more with her hand over her lips. Richard winked, then pulled her into a hug. "Nakakainis ka!" she said giggling as she stood wrapped in his arm. The director asked the cast to take their places. The lights went on. They held hands and both took a deep breath, trying to be serious. They were trying, but their smiles couldn't escape the cameras. They held hands through the scene; squeezing each other's hand alternately The mood inside the church was light, and the staff were trying to suppress their kilig as they stood cramped on the side of the church where they were allowed to watch the scene. The priest had only a few lines, and everyone held their breath as he finally uttered, "And so, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife." "Finally!" Melissa couldn't help but yell in excitement, finally breaking the ice for her fellow younger actors, who were all trying to stay in character. It was especially hard for Paulo, who had to look somber all throughout the scene, but he managed to pull it off. (In turn, he joined Coco in incessantly teasing the two over lunch.) "You may now kiss the bride." By this time, Dawn allowed herself to really smile. She turned to Coco, who was grinning, as expected. He clapped (with matching "Yihee!") and Melissa and Julia followed suit. Dawn imagined this scene in her head a bunch of times and thought she would feel a tinge of sadness, for this was a moment that they missed 20 years ago. But standing there, Richard pulling at her hand gently, she found it easy to face him, to just trust that even when it didn't work out between them, here was a man who will always live within the warmth of her heart. Richard didn't think it was possible, having been around Dawn for almost a year, but at that moment when she turned to face him, he felt his heart skip a beat. (And yes, he thought it was corny; that was why he was smiling.) Here, looking up at him, was the girl who once drove him crazy (she still does, at times), with whom he shared many adventures and a lot of

laughter. The fun-loving bungisngis who's now a woman, more beautiful than when he first knew her. The other half he once loved, still loves, even after all these years. He reached for her cheek and took a deep breath as he searched her face for any of the nervousness and found none, in its place her clear fondness for him. That mattered a lot, to know that she was okay. He leaned in for the kiss and watched her close her eyes. In the brief moment that their lips touched, they both felt as if it was the first ---- that moment when they knew that they were entwined. In that brief moment, there was just Richard and Dawn, making one of their dreams come true. Now they both knew what could've been. That was enough. But as they pulled away, Richard felt that one kiss wasn't. As the younger actors cheered, he mouthed "One more?" and she nodded. He pursed his lips to stop from smiling, but when his lips met hers, he couldn't help it anymore. There really was something about her, something about being with her, that makes him feel light. This was their happy-right-now. For the moment, that was all that mattered