#CDFragments XVIII. Ties (second of five parts)

XVIII. Ties (second of five parts) Richard was in a good mood, even when he was unable to catch any sleep. Never mind that he got stuck in traffic on the way to Tagaytay. Even when he was 10 minutes late for the 10AM call time. The director waved his apologies away because the staff was just about to prepare the set. He was told to head to the tent where he could wait. He found Dawn at the table in front of the collective dressing area, talking to Coco and Vivian with a serious face. “O, nandiyan na pala ang groom!” Vivian said as he approached. He gave Dawn's manager a buss on the cheek and Coco a tap on the shoulder. “Bakit busangot ang mukha nito?” he asked as he went around the table to approach Dawn and kissed the top of her head. “Naku, she's stressing over her puyat,” Vivian said. “Baka daw pangit siya lumabas sa kasal.” He wrapped an arm around her as he squatted to meet her eyes. “Nantitrip ka ba? Ikaw, pangit?” “Kasi naman, hindi ako masyadong nakatulog!” Dawn answered. “Alam mo na, baka haggard ang rehistro ko sa camera mamaya.” She pulled a chair beside her. “Maupo ka nga, ako nangangawit sa'yo eh.” “Anong oras ka ba natulog?” Richard asked as he took a seat. “Maaga naman, around 9:30, after tucking the kids in.” She stared into his eyes. “Kaso may tumawag sa akin ng 2:30 ng madaling-araw.” “Sino namang tumatawag ng 2:30AM?” Vivian asked. Dawn turned to her, shrugged, then back to Richard, looking at him knowingly. “From then on hindi na ako makatulog.” “At least nakatulog ka. Ako nga wala talagang tulog eh. So magkasinghaggard lang tayo.” “Bakit hindi ka natulog?” “Pre-wedding jitters?” He held her hand.

Dawn was looking forward to his scene because she was vouching for a happy ending for Marco and Emily, until she was reminded that it would merit a kiss or two on the lips. Richard offered to talk to her husband, but she refused and told him that she and Anton would discuss it by themselves. Her husband, ever the nice guy, consented as long as she was comfortable doing it. She had to tell him that she was, even though a million things were running through her head. She discussed this fear with Richard, who simply answered, “Kailan ba kita pinabayaan sa ganiyan?” As they approached the scene, he had to remind her time and time again that it was okay. His feelings aside, he wouldn't do anything that she wouldn't approve of. She knew this to be true ---- at least when their onscreen partnership was concerned. She smiled. “Ikaw din pala.” Before Richard could say anything back, the director tapped his on the shoulder and asked him to come inside the tent. He gave Dawn's hand one last squeeze. “Teka lang, ganda,” he said as he let her go. “I want you to disregard the script for the first scene, and on the wedding,” the director said the moment he closed the door. “Paano 'yun, direk? I mean, wala namang masyadong dialogue pero ----” “I want you to think of your favorite moment in your relationship with Dawn na sa tingin mo hindi na niya naaalala. Doon ka mag-focus when you reminisce as Marco at sa kasal n'yo. I mean ng characters n'yo!” The director laughed. “Gusto kong makita na parang ikinukuwento mo sa kaniya, in your head. I won't ask you to...” Richard was no longer listening to the rest of the director's instructions, having the perfect memory in mind. “Okay na, Richard? Kasi puwede nang mag-shoot. Okay na 'yang suot mo.” “Yes, direk. Let's do this!” ~~~ Dawn, hindi mo lang alam how much I wanted to come home that

day. I knew it was your birthday. Of course, how could I forget? First birthday mo that we were going to spend together as a couple, so I wanted it to be special. Habang lunch break sa shoot, I asked one of the PAs to buy a cake. I even called the owner of your favorite restaurant to ask if they could stay open till midnight, so we can have the place to ourselves. Pero, as I would learn from my years with you, hindi naman lahat ng pinaplano ko natutuloy. Even when I've arranged for a good evening, hindi pa rin ako mapakali. Pag-uwi ko, nalaman ko kung bakit. After peeking to make sure that she wasn't in the sala, Richard entered the house quietly and put the box he was carrying on the table beside the door, hurriedly putting candles on top of the cake inside it. Frustrated that he missed the florist on his way home, he wanted even more to surprise her, to let her know that contrary to her constant parinig over the past two weeks, he didn't forget her birthday. As he was lighting the candles, rehearsing the Happy Birthday song in his head, he heard something fall on the floor with a thud. Thinking that it was Dawn approaching, he carried the cake. Then, at the entrance of the kitchen, he saw her sprawled on the floor. Halos mailaglag ko 'yung cake sa sobrang nerbyos na baka nabagok ang ulo mo. Inilapag ko 'yung cake sa coffee table para makalapit sa'yo, pero bago pa man kita mahawakan, gumalaw ka. Tumawa nang malakas. I wasn't comfortable with that laugh. And when you looked up at me, I knew I was in trouble. He helped her stand up and she had this smirk on her face. She leaned even closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She went on tiptoe and kissed him deeply. Her breath smelled of beer. She kept her eyes on his face for a second and he noticed that they were red. He wanted to stare into them, to ask her why she was drunk, but she pulled away from him and stumbled down the carpet. “Para sa'kin 'yan?!” she asked like an excited kid.

Bago pa ako makasagot, hinipan mo na 'yung kandila. Hindi man lang ako nakakanta ng Happy Birthday. Pumalakpak ka. Normally, this would make me smile. Pero namumula ka na at may dalawang case ng beer malapit sa ref. “May party?” he asked as he looked back at her. “Dumaan si Viv kanina!” she answered with much of an actor's conviction, twisting her hair around her finger. “Eh sabi ko, 'Viv, gusto ko ng maiinom habang wala si Goma!'” “May juice naman tayo sa ref, ha?” She laughed. “Sira! 'yung pang-happy happy! Para happy naman ako, kahit sa birthday ko lang!” 'Yun ang unang beses sa loob ng isang buwan na natitigan kita nang maayos. That unknown thing that was bugging me during the shoot was staring at me: Na nabago ka, na nabago kita. Siguro nasanay ako sa araw-araw --- sa paggising ko, kahit ano pang nangyari nu'ng gabi, ngiti mo ang bumubungad sa'kin. Kapag kailangan kong umalis, walang tanong, may pabaon pang sulat telling me that you love me. Kapag hindi kita masipot sa date, o iniwan kita sa bahay nang hindi pa tayo bati, walang palya kang nag-aabang pa rin sa sala at handang tumanggap ng sorry. Sabi mo, “Tara! Inom tayo!” Ang lakas pa ng hila mo sa braso ko. Halos matumba ka na naman, kaya sabi ko ako na ang kukuha. Ang kalat ng kusina. Tiningnan kita, dinudutdot mo 'yung cake. Richard came back with two bottles of beer, handing Dawn one. He sat down and was about to take a swig from his bottle when Dawn raised hers. “Cheers!” she said, giggling. “Kahit ayaw ko ng chocolate cake!” Niyakap na kita. Maybe it was your idea of fun. Ayaw ko namang basagin ang trip mo, 'di ba? “Ano bang gusto mo?” tinanong kita sabay kiss sa shoulder. Ngumiti ka, tinapik ako sa braso. “Haay nako, babe, 'di mo

magugustuhan ang gusto ko!” “I want to know.” “Hindi talaga, you won't be able to handle this!” Pinipilit mong magseryoso, pero natatawa ka lang talaga. For a moment, nangiti ako dahil napabungisngis ka na naman. Nilapit mo ang mukha mo sa'kin, sobrang lapit that I can smell the beer. “You really know what I want?” tanong mo. Sabi ko, Oo, isigaw mo pa. “Talaga?” Oo nga. Lumayo ka nang kaunti, tatayo sana, pero napaupo na lang sa sofa. Tumawa ka dahil medyo malakas ang pagkakabagsak mo.“Gusto na kitang iwan, Richard!” Isinigaw mo nga and I felt... ewan ko. Mabigat sa dibdib? Dati kasi kapag nag-aaway tayo, away lang, walang banta ng break up. Kaunting lambing lang sa'yo, okay na. Kapag tinatanong kita kung masaya ka, lagi mong sagot 'Oo.'

Parang tumigil lahat nu'ng isinigaw mo 'yun. It was only then na naisip kong mahal nga talaga kita. Ang sakit eh. Pero mas masakit nu'ng tuluyan ka nang humagulgol. Richard tried to hug her, but she pushed him away. “'wag ka nga! 'Di naman ako maganda para sa'yo eh!” “”Anong hindi ---” “Lagi na lang akong second fiddle sa trabaho, sa mga kaibigan, sa ibang babae! Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit 'yun? 'yung ibinahay ka pero hindi naman umuuwi sa'yo?” Sabi mo, minsan sa gabi, kapag knock-out na ako sa antok, naiiyak ka kasi hindi ko man lang napansin na bagong ligo ka, na nagpaluto ka ng hapunan. That I couldn't stay up long enough to

say good night. Na sa umaga aalis ako nang hindi ako nagpapaalam. (I kiss your hair before I go, that much I remember, pero hindi na kita kinontra.) Sabi mo ayaw mong magreklamo dahil sa takot mo na madali ka namang mapapalitan. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano sasabihin sa'yo na nagkakamali ka. “Before I met you, okay naman ako, eh! Pero nu'ng dumating ka sa buhay ko, nagkanda-leche leche na!” She sobbed, burying her face in her hands. “Hirap na hirap na ako, Richard! To be treated like shit by people who think I don't deserve you.” She looked up at him again. “To feel like I don't deserve to be recognized for my work --- at ikaw pa ang nagpaparamdam sa'kin nu'n!” Sabi mo, isang buwan na akong labas-masok lang sa bahay. 'Di na kita maipagluto, 'di man lang kita magawang tingnan. Na dahil do'n, pakiramdam mo hindi ka maganda. Dahil napapaligiran ako ng magaganda kaya 'di kita napapansin. Sabi mo pinagpipilitan mo lang ang sarili mo sa mundo ko, sa bahay ko, dahil mahal mo ako. Hindi mo lang alam noon na kapag gumigising ako sa umaga, I spend at least 10 minutes staring at you. After kong magbihis, bago humalik sa'yo dahil ayaw na kitang gisingin, isang tingin pa ulit. 'Di ko rin malubayan ang wallet ko dahil sa picture mo. Hindi mo lang alam ---- hindi ko rin kasi masabi ---- na gumanda ang buhay ko simula nu'ng dumating ka. Pumayag ka nang magpayakap. Hinigpitan ko dahil 'di ko masabi ang lahat; 'di mo rin naman mage-gets dahil lasing ka. Hindi ko masabi sa'yo kung gaano kahirap na makita kang gano'n. Hindi kasi 'yun ang Dawn na nakasanayan ko. Hindi ko inakalang mapapaiyak kita nang gano'n. At nu'ng humarap ka sa akin, wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi halikan ka. Malalim na ang tulog mo sa sofa matapos kitang mapakalma, kaya binuhat kita papunta sa kuwarto. Kita ko pa 'yung mga marka ng luha mong natuyo sa pisngi. Nu'ng humiga ako sa tabi mo, mahigpit ang naging yakap mo sa akin ---- as if by instinct, as

if I were a magnet. Gaya ng gawain mo kapag problemado ka, nagsalita ka kahit tulog. “I love you, babe.” Hindi ako makatulog nu'ng gabing 'yon. Tinitigan lang kita habang iniisip kung paano babawi. Nu'ng umaga, tinawagan ko si Anjo para magpasama sa kilala niyang alahera. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him na gagawin ko na what the barkada said they couldn't imagine me doing ---- bibili ako ng singsing. ~~~ There were a number of memories that entered Dawn's head when she received the same instruction for the reminiscing scene. Richard was tight-lipped about his conversation with the director so she was clueless about the memory he used. Emily had to look a bit more reflective than Marco, and for that, she thought of using their away-bati moments in Ilocos during the shoot of Saan Ka Man Naroroon. But just as the camera started rolling, she looked down and saw Emily's engagement ring. ~~~ Goms, alam mo, minsan iniisip ko kung nasaan na 'yung singsing na ibinigay mo sa'kin. Sabi mo hindi mo na natatandaan kung saan mo naitapon. Sabi nila sa creek, o sa likod bahay. Ang gulo mo kasi eh. Bakit mo nga ba itinapon? Ayaw mo sigurong maalala kung gaano ka ka-cheesy noong ibinigay mo sa'kin 'yon. He rushed home from the florist, where he went after meeting the jeweller at Anjo's place. He was hoping that Dawn was still asleep and she was, her face then more relaxed than it was the previous night. He couldn't help but smile and stare... until he thought of making breakfast.

He went around the kitchen as quietly as he could, making pancakes that could feed at least a whole barkada. On the frying pan he put strips of bacon. He even poached a couple of eggs. Long before Dawn's drunken confession, he already asked for a day off from the project he was shooting. He had planned to take her to the movies for a post-birthday celebration. He would have to think about it, depending on the intensity of her hangover. As he left the bacon on a layer of tissue paper to dry off excess fat, he faced the mess that were beer bottles. Dawn would have to remember where Vivian bought the cases because he really didn't want them lying around his kitchen. He carried them to the front door to make sure they wouldn't forget to dispose of it. He was humming the Happy Birthdaysong as he arranged the food on her plate when he heard her scream from the bedroom. “Richard, please!” she was saying. “No, no, don't leave me! Please!” She shrieked as he was running to the bedroom. He found her still lying in bed, but with her arms outstretched, one of her fists closed as if holding and pulling on something. “Dawn, Dawn, wake up,” he said as he shook her awake. She went on asking him not to leave. He slapped her repeatedly ---- gently at first, and then more forcefully. She opened her eyes and for a moment just registered a blank stare. Her eyes surveyed the room, then met his. She was teary-eyed. He didn't know what else to do but pull her into a hug, his arms tight around her, kissing her hair, rubbing her arm, whispering “Sorry” over and over, even when he had no idea what her dream was about. As she got over her shock and started to remember what her dream was, she clung on to him, a hand even gripping his shirt. “'Wag mo akong iwan dito,” she said quietly. When he felt that she had calmed down, he cupped her face in his hands. “Hindi kita iiwan, okay?” Dawn nodded and he placed a kiss on her forehead, her nose, and her lips. “I love you,” He pulled away and could see that faint look of surprise on her face. “O, bakit?” “W... wala.” She smiled.

“Are you okay.” “Yeah, yeah...” He held her hand. “You know, puwede natin itong pag-usapan... pero magbihis ka muna, then join me in the kitchen for breakfast, okay?” “Wala ka bang shoot today?” “Wala.” He smiled and kissed her again before leaving the room. Pagkalabas ko ng kuwarto, may trail na ng rose petals mula sa hagdan papunta ng kitchen. Hindi na maalis 'yung ngiti ko. I could barely remember what happened the night before, pero I knew that the house wasn't that clean. Nakaupo ka na sa dining table and you pulled a chair for me. Pagkaupo ko, may kinuha ka sa opposite chair. Chocolate, bouquet of tulips. Iniabot mo lang sa akin. Sure ako na nag-blush ako no'n. Sabi mo, “Kain ka na.” Dahil gutom na rin ako, siyempre wala na akong palag, kahit ang ganda ng pagkakaayos mo ng pancakes at bacon sa plate. Ii-slice ko na sana, eh bigla kang dumali. “Alam mo, ang ganda ganda mo.” Feeling ko lahat na ng dugo sa katawan ko, napunta sa mukha. Sigurado akong tumindi ang pagba-blush ko. Nakangiti ka lang sa akin. Sabi ko, bolero ka. Sabi mo, hindi ka nambobola, na kahit fresh out of bed, sadyang maganda na ako. He reached for her plate and began slicing the pancakes for her. “You know, kapag tulog ka, pinagmamasdan kita tapos naiisip ko, 'Grabe, Goma, ang suwerte mo naman.' Kung puwede lang i-congratulate ang sarili, nagawa ko na siguro araw-araw.” The smile just wouldn't leave her face. She slapped his arm gently. “Ikaw ha, tigilan mo nga ako at baka masanay ako sa ganiyan.”

He pushed her plate back to her and leaned forward, staring into her eyes ---- that look that melted her heart in Batanes. “Kahit masanay ka pa, hindi ako magsasawang sabihin 'yon. Alam mo pa ang 'di ko pagsasawaan?” She shook her head. “To tell you that I love you.” He could still see a bit of surprise in her eyes when he said that, as if she no longer believed that he did. He held her hand as he spoke. “I know it hasn't been obvious to you for the past months dahil na rin sa dami ng ginagawa natin apart. But I want you to believe me: Mahal kita, Dawn.” He kissed her hand, not taking his eyes off hers, and he saw her smile. “Mahal na mahal kita. 'wag mong kakalimutan 'yan.” He leaned even closer, reaching for her face, and kissed her softly. “Mahal na mahal.” He felt her smile against his lips and she held the hand on her face as they pulled away. “Alam mo, sa panaginip ko, sabi mo ayaw mo na sa'kin. Pero ito 'yung ngayon, ito 'yung gising ako... dito ako maniniwala.” You were teary-eyed then. As if remembering the food, umupo ka na tapos sabi mo, Kain na tayo. Alam kong masarap 'yung pancake, pero nakita ko 'yung royal blue na box sa tabi mo. “Babe, what's that?” tanong ko sa'yo. Halata ko 'yung nerbyos mo nu'ng tiningnan mo 'yung box sa tabi mo. “Ah, 'eto...” sabi mo, nauutal pa. “Uhm, para sa'yo.” You slid the box beside my plate. Sabi mo mamaya mo na sana ibibigay, Medyo malaki 'yung box, kaya akala ko bracelet, 'yung nakita ko sa mall the last time we went there together? She was beaming as she pulled away the gold ribbon. “Naku naman, you didn't ----” Inside the box was a silver diamond-studded ring. She looked back at him, eyes wide. He took the box from her hands. “Sabi ni Anjo, this is an eternity ring. Feeling ko sinesales talk lang nila ako, pero dahil alam kong bagay sa'yo, kunwari naniwala ako.” He fished out the ring and took her left hand.

“Dito daw isusuot 'yung ----” “For those who are engaged or married!” He laughed. The look on her face was priceless. “Dito daw, sa left ring finger, kasi may vein straight to the heart.” He slid the ring on the said finger and stared at it. “'Vena amoris' ang sabi ni Anjo. 'Di rin ako naniniwala dahil wala namang scientific study... “Pero dito ko na rin isusuot sa'yo... just to say that my heart ---- kahit na alam kong malaki akong sakit ng ulo para sa'yo ---- my heart is yours now.” He kissed her hand, where the ring was, then looked up at her, taking in the tears pooling in her eyes. “Happy birthday, love.” Ang saya saya ko nu'ng araw na 'yon, sobrang saya na parang nakakatakot na. Pero nasa tabi kita the whole day and that was enough to ease my worries. That was the first time that I believed that we were going to end up together. I knew it would take you a while to ask, pero noon ko naramdamang akin ka, sa'yo ako. I started playing with the images in my head ---- you buying me another ring, asking me to marry you; us on our wedding day, then easily settling into wedded bliss; having adorable kids and watching you become the awesome father I believed you were capable of being. Having more fights, then spending nights laughing to ourselves. Growing old together and not minding na hindi mo na ako mabuhat the way you did. Having your hand to hold for the rest of my life. It seemed like a good dream, one that I held on to even as things were getting out of hand. Noong madalas na tayong nag-aaway, madalas akong napapatingin sa singsing na ibinigay mo. Somehow napapawi 'yung takot ko na iiwan mo ako. “Hindi kita iiwan,” pangako mo sa'kin nu'ng umagang 'yon. For the longest time, I believed na that ring was my link to you, to your heart. I wanted to keep it, pero dahil din do'n naisip ko na baka lalo lang akong mahirapang humiwalay sa'yo. It turned out that the ring wasn't enough to smooth out our differences.

As fate would have it, hindi rin naman pala natin kailangan dahil siguro sadyang magkadugtong tayong dalawa. And now I'll get to know what it's like to walk down the aisle with you waiting at the altar. Perhaps, that is enough