#CDFragments XV. Picking fights (second of two parts)

XV. Picking fights (second of two parts) Even when they had to head for rehearsals with so little sleep, it was quite a riot of fun for everyone, and for a few hours, Dawn forgot about Richard and the dilemma that they were caught in. But of course she couldn't avoid mentioning him on the show itself, especially since Richard's absenceapparently angered some of the fans who were looking forward to seeing them together. She told the audience that Richard was sorry that he couldn't be there, and followed it up with good humor, "Pero ganiyan naman si Marco, lagi na lang iniiwan si Emily. Paulit ulit na lang!" The audience cheered, but for Dawn it meant much more. Alone on that stage as she sang, she thought the trip would definitely be better if Richard was there... And if they could finally settle things. ~~~ The younger members of the cast decided to go out for dinner and drinks. They were insisting that Dawn and Vivian come with them, but with the whirlwind of things happening --- plus the jetlag that just wouldn't come off easily --- Dawn begged off and told Vivian that all she wanted was a glass of wine and some chips, just like the old times. They locked themselves in the hotel room that they shared, flipping through channels and munching on their snacks in silence. Vivian was waiting for Dawn to open up to her; Dawn was going to let Vivian ask. Neither of them spoke until they emptied the first bottle. Vivian had popped the cork of the second bottle when she asked, "So, puwede na bang pag-usapan 'yung tungkol sa inyo ni Richard?" "Wala tayong dapat pag-usapan," Dawn replied, extending her glass for another refill. "Saka marinig na naman ito ni Coco, i-tsismis na naman ako." "Wala si Coco, sumama kina Melissa... at narinig ko 'yung usapan n'yo sa tent nu'ng gabing umalis tayo. Napamura sa'yo, ha."

The manager put her feet up on her side of the bed and watched TV as she waited for the details. It didn't take long. Dawn turned the TV off and faced her. "Nagalit ako kasi hindi siya makakasama dito." Vivian gave her the look. "Bakit?!" "Ewan ko ba! Hindi ko rin ma-explain, eh. Dahil hindi niya ako sinabihan?" "Bakit? Asawa ka ba niya? Lahat ng galaw dapat naka-report sa'yo?" Unable to answer, Dawn was about to take a sip of her wine, but was a bit startled when Vivian probed, "Ano?!" The actress sighed. "Dahil gusto kong magkausap na kami. Viv, ang tagal na ---" "Hold on. 'Di ba nag-usap na kayo? You took him out to dinner?" "We didn't make it to the dinner." "Bakit? Nakapagpa-reserve naman ako ng table for you two, 'di ba? Saka maaga kayong umalis sa set..." Dawn took a sip of her wine, afraid to answer the question. "Hoy, Dawn, sumagot ka. Anong nangyari?" She looked down, avoiding Vivian's stare. "We kissed," she said softly. "Kissed as in ---" "As in 20 years ago." Vivian tried to stand up, but the buzz of the wine made her woozy. She sat on the edge of the bed. "A... ano?! Saan?!" Dawn sat up. "Sa kotse niya. We were on the way and ---" "Pinilit ka niya?!" "Hindi." This time, Vivian gained enough footing to stand. "Bakit ka pumayag?!"

Dawn didn't answer. "Ano?!" "Hindi ko alam! Nadala ako! Umiiyak siya, tuliro ---" "Bakit, kapag tuliro ka ba, hinahalikan kita?!" Vivian started pacing to and fro. "Bakit ngayon mo lang sinabi sa akin?!" "Bakit ba galit na galit ka?!" Dawn countered. "Anong klaseng tanong 'yan? Dawn, hindi man lang ba kayo nag-isip? O, alam kong baliw sa'yo si Richard, pero ikaw? Hindi ka nag-isip?!" The intensity of Vivian's accusations, the buzz of the wine, and the strain caused by the weeks of this confusion took a toll on Dawn. She stood up as she began to cry. "Kung alam ko kung ano ang dapat gawin, sa tingin mo ba maguguluhan ako nang ganito?!" "All you had to do was say 'no'," Vivian answered, a bit more calmly. "How could I?!" "By just saying it... unless ginusto mo rin." Dawn sat on the corner of the room, near the window, burying her face in her hands. "Dawn, don't tell me ---" "Hindi na naman bago ito, 'di ba?" she said in the middle of Vivian's sentence. She wiped her tears in a way a stubborn kid would. "Shit." "You should have told me." "Para ano pa? Para sigawan mo ako nang ganiyan?" "Para nailayo kita sa kaniya. Inilalapit ko siya sa'yo para magkaayos kayo, eh ganito pala ang nangyayari." Vivian walked near Dawn and laid a hand on her shoulder. "I thought you've made your choice?" "I have, Viv. You know I have. But do you expect me to forget about the

one man that I loved this much?" "Alam ko namang 'di mo makakalim ---" "You wanna know what's funny?" Dawn looked up at her. "I didn't even feel guilty until it was over... until pumasok ako sa bahay and found Anton waiting for me. Pero when it was happening, nothing but ---" "You and him?" "Yeah..." ~~~ {1998} As in her usual routine now, Dawn spent the afternoon in the entertainment room, putting her feet up after supervising several chores that needed to be done around the house. She was watching an afternoon teleserye when the phone rang. "Hello? Dawn Lagdameo speaking." "Hi, Dawn." She recognized the voice in an instant. Richard. He sought the help of one of her celebrity friends in Manila who still kept in touch with her after she got married and left her career to be full-time wife to her husband, Anton. Her friend initially didn't want to give out her number, but out of Richard's insistence --- and seeming desperation --she caved. It has been years since they last saw each other, so Dawn found this call particularly peculiar. "Dawn? Si Richard 'to." "Yes, I know." "Are you busy?"

"No, no. B... bakit ka napatawag?" "Can I see you?" Her eyebrows met as she sat down to steady herself. "I live in Davao now, Richard, in case you haven't heard. I settled here with my husband." With my husband, Richard repeated in his head. He didn't like how it gripped his heart. "Hello, are you still there?" Dawn asked. "Y... yes," he replied. "So, how are you? Bakit ka napatawag?" "I need to ask you something." "Kung kailan ako nagpakasal? I supposed that you knew kasi ---" "If you think I should get married." For a moment, Dawn's mind went blank. All she could say was, "Ha?" "Tell me if ---" "W... why?" "I just need to know. From you. Tell me that I shouldn't get married." "Why would I do that? Saka bakit ako ang tinatanong mo? Richard, if this is some kind of a joke, please ---" "I'm not kidding, Dawn. Please tell me." "Why? Ask Anjo, or John, or Aga! Or maybe you should ask the girl mismo! Lucy, right?" When Richard didn't reply, Dawn called him by his name in her gentle way, that gentle way that would come whenever he frustrated her, that gentle way that he missed so much.

"Because you know me better than all of them put together," he said quietly. "You put up with me at my worst and ---" "Richard, I don't think this is for me to decide on. I haven't seen you in five years." "Please, Dawn. I just need to hear it from you." He sighed. "Look, I can come down there and ---" "And cause a riot? Teritoryo ito ng pamilya ng asawa ko, Richard, unless ---" "Then stop stalling and tell me that I'm not doing a good thing badly." A good thing. Marriage. Sticking to one. It seemed a bizarre thing to think about when she thought about Richard, who was once the love of her life, who promised her forever --- convincing enough that she believed in it. Perhaps it was youth, perhaps it was getting caught in moments when it felt like their love was going to get them through anything. She believed then that they were going to end up together. He told her repeatedly that he did, too. That was why she didn't leave him until she did. Why it was so damn painful to part from him. Why it stung so bad that she thought she would just end up alone. Until she met Anton. "Dawn?" "Do you love her?" She could tell that the question caught Richard by surprise, for it was a moment before he answered. "I adore her." Yes, it did sting. "Y... you already bought a ring?" "Yes." She felt as if something was lodged in her throat. "T... then... Then that's your answer." "Really?"

Her eyes already blurring because of the tears that was pooling there, she smiled in spite of herself. "You bought a ring for her. You did that because you felt that it's about time that you do." "I bought you a ring." "It wasn't an engagement ring." She remembered that diamond-studded ring he gave her on her birthday and how she wished it came with 'Will you marry me?' when he slipped it on her finger. He remembered how he wanted to ask but was afraid to scare her away. "Sa tingin mo kaya ko na?" "The mere fact na inisip mo na 'yan should mean something," she said as the first drops of her tears fell. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. "Am I the first one to hear about this?" "Yes," he answered with a nervous laugh. "I needed your clearance. Alam ko naman kasi na alam mong tarantado ako." "Hindi ka naman tarantado," she said with a smile despite her tears. "Pero gosh, parang hindi ako makapaniwalang ikakasal ka na..." "'Di ba? Ako rin eh." They both fell into silence, with many things unsaid in between them. They last spoke --- and briefly --- a year after their break-up, in a concert where Dawn's boyfriend at the time was playing with his band. Dawn was cordial with him, but as wary of forging a friendship so soon, especially when he failed in the nth chance that she decided to give him shortly after she walked away from his house. After a while, Dawn asked, "May tanong ka pa?" "Kumusta ka?" Richard asked back, unable to help himself. "Uhm, I'm okay. Adjusting to suddenly having a lot of relatives. We just got back from our honeymoon." "I heard from your friends na he's great." "He is."

"I'm happy for you." "I am happy with him," she said before she could catch herself. "And happy for you. Akalain mong aabot ka sa ganiyan... She really must be something." Dawn, don't cry, she thought as she wiped tears from her eyes. "She is," he said, something that he meant but was afraid to say to Dawn. Out of courtesy, he asked, "Would you come to my wedding?" "You have to ask her first, 'di ba?" she teased. "Oo nga pala." For a moment, miles apart, they shared a smile. "But I'm sure she'll say yes." Unable to help herself, she caught her breath, and came an obvious sniff. Richard knew that she was crying, understood why she was crying. He decided not to ask. She wiped the fresh batch of tears that fell. "O, may tanong ka pa? I have to go make dinner for Anton. Saka mahal na 'tong long-distance call." "Nagluluto ka na?" She smiled. "I had to learn, 'di ba? Pero siya usually ang nagluluto. I just insisted na matuto, so he teaches me one dish at a time." Richard didn't know what else to say. Finally, she has found a man who would stand by her and not hurt her. Someone who would make dinner for her and who, in turn, she would like to make dinner for. "Richard?" "Yes?" "I really have to go." "Yes, yes," he said. "Sorry for keeping you on the line long. S... sige, thank you, Dawn."

"It's been nice talking to you," she said back. "Good luck with the proposal." "Thank you." "Bye." "Bye." Neither of them hung up. Dawn felt a new batch of tears in her eyes and they fell as she listened to him breathe, that familiar sound that lulled her to sleep, that calmed her down. Richard sat on the edge of his bed, his forehead pressed against his palm, his elbow propped on his thigh. He wanted to say that he missed her, and when he finally had enough courage to do so, he heard the car horn, and then the tone that told him she had hung up. She wiped her eyes and smiled in front of the mirror as she heard the front door swing open. She got out of the room to welcome the husband who made that home for her. ~~~ {1993} Richard came home that afternoon to find the house dark despite the sunny afternoon. The curtains blocking the sunlight, the house absolutely still. Dawn must be sleeping, he thought, walking to the bedroom. He found her there, but awake, and with her luggages beside the bed. She looked up the moment he walked in. "Love?" "Inayos ko na itong kuwarto at 'yung banyo," she said, snapping out of the brief blank in her head when she saw him. "Pati 'yung closet; ibinalik ko na 'yung iba mong damit na tinanggal natin to make room for mine ---" "Ano 'to?" He walked nearer to the line of luggages as she went on telling him that his grandmother brought food for them. " --- I put it in the ref and told her na you wouldn't be home 'til later kaya

'di na ---" He seized her by the arm. "Tumigil ka nga muna. Ano ito? Saan ka pupunta?" "Back to my place." "Y... your place? Dawn, bakit? Ayaw mo na ba dito? Nami-miss mo na 'yung sarili mong space? Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi?" "Saan ka galing?" she asked out of the blue. "S... sa Pangasinan. I told you, 'di ba?" She walked to the far side of the bed, where her shoulder bag was. She put in it the last few articles on the nightstand. "Tito Dougs called yesterday," she said as she went on with this task. "He was asking for you. Apparently cancelled 'yung shoot because your director got sick." When she looked up, he knew he was in trouble. "... at wala naman daw talagang ishu-shoot sa Pangasinan." She pulled the bag's zipper closed and walked over to him. "Christine, that model that we met at the party two weeks ago? 'di ba she's from Pangasinan." "Dawn..." "It's a good thing na pinagmayabang niya 'yung name ng agency niya when we were talking. I called her management up and they said she went home for a weekend vacation. In Pangasinan." The look on her eyes, the piercing stare, told Richard that she was going to burst soon. "Tell me how you did it," she went on. "Kasi ang galing --- sa sikat mong 'yan, walang nakahuli sa inyo." "Dawn, let me ---" "Explain? Sige. Tutal tapos na akong mag-empake." Her arms across her chest. "It's not ---" "Not what I think? Ha, Richard?" By then he could see that she was just trying to hold back. She stepped closer. "Sige, ano? Ano ang paliwanag

mo this time?" "Dawn..." He tried to touch her, but she pushed his hand away. "'Wag mo akong hawakan." "Love, please," he said, reaching for her again, the way he would when she was mad, but this time --- in the quick succession of things --- a crisp slap fell on his cheek. "Punyeta ka!" she said, through gritted teeth, then repeated it louder as she launched her rage, punching his arms and chest over and over. He tried to block her hands, but she was surprisingly strong and fast for him. "Dawn, love, please, pag-usapan natin 'to!" "Para saan pa?! Para lokohin mo ako ulit?!" He caught her wrists and she was fighting him. "Bitiwan mo ako!" She slapped him again as she started to feel like crying. "Naniwala ako sa'yong hayop ka! Paulit ulit kahit alam kong ---" "Nagpapadala ka lang ---" That sent her on another burst of hitting him. "Nagpapadala?! Hindi ba totoo?! Niloloko mo lang ako! Paulit ulit!" She stared him in the eye. "Sige, tumingin ka nang diretso sa mata ko and tell me na walang nangyari sa inyo ni Christine." He tried to meet her gaze, but all he could muster was "I'm sorry." Dawn knew better than to hit him again. She took her shoulder bag from the bed. "Vivian will get the rest of my things later. Just leave these be and ---" "Dawn, pag-usapan natin ito." " --- ito na 'yon lahat so 'wag mo nang galawin." He held her hand. "Dawn." Kissed it. "Dawn, papayag lang ako na umalis ka kapag kaya mong sabihin nang nakatingin sa akin na hindi mo na ako mahal." She stared at him one last time, taking in the face she knew so well, the

face that was the first thing she saw for two years. The lips that took her breath away. His eyes --- oh, the eyes that melted her heart. Then she turned and ran to the door. Richard caught up with her in quick strides and hugged her to him. He knew that she was not good at resisting his embrace. He kissed her neck and whispered, "Please don't leave me." "Tama na 'to, Richard," she said through that lump that has formed in her throat. "Pagod na ako." She fought as he hugged her tighter and when she was free of his touch, she took a deep breath and walked to the taxi that was waiting outside. ~~~ Vivian rubbed Dawn's back as she sobbed, the first time she has in a long time when it came to Richard. It took her a while to get used to him not being in her life. Of course it was difficult. "Dawn, walang patutunguhan ito," she whispered, hugging her friend closer. "Alam mo naman 'yun, 'di ba? 'wag mo siyang hayaang guluhin ka pa. Alam mo dapat ang gusto mo." "Alam ko ang gusto ko," Dawn replied, wiping her tears. "Pero nasasaktan ako. Ang sakit sakit." "Dahil alam mong hindi na kayo puwedeng magsama?" "Dahil hindi na dapat namin ito nararamdaman." She looked up at Vivian. "Hindi ko kaya, kahit isipin man lang, na sisirain niya ang pamilya niya para sa akin. Hindi niya dapat gawin 'yon, dahil hindi ko iiwan ang asawa at mga anak ko... "Kung noon, I wasn't enough for him, who's to say that I will be now? I will never be enough for him, and maybe that's what he needs to realize.