#CDFragments X. Silence and rage

X. Silence and rage Richard showed up on set a bit late that day, wearing sunglasses to hide the visible dark circles under his eyes, a tumbler of coffee in hand. Not up for chitchat, he just smiled at the crew outside the tent and walked right inside, finding Dawn on the make-up chair. He simply closed the door, didn't bother to say hi. Dawn was getting a retouch after doing a scene with Coco and Ms. Susan --- a scene that she suggested they should shoot while waiting for Richard (if he was coming at all). She didn't even bother to text him, as per their routine on days when they have to shoot scenes together. He settled for his corner of the tent, where he left his copy of the script. He took a sip of his coffee as he glanced at Dawn from the corner of his eye. He was used to watching her on the make-up chair --- a habit from their together days that he never shrugged off. Sometimes he would even make her laugh. Clearly not one of those days, he tinkered with his phone and remembered to call his wife to remind her about dinner. "Hon, saglit lang, I'm in a meeting," Lucy whispered when she picked up. "Don't hang up." He could hear familiar voices talking over the budget plan for a project that he and Lucy had been working on. He kept the phone pressed on his ear, even when he knew he looked silly. Lucy came back on moments later. "Honey, I know you're calling about dinner," she said. "I'll pick you up ---" "That's the thing, I won't be able to make it to dinner. I have to fly to Ormoc this afternoon." "Bakit? May emergency?" "No, an event. Kay Shayne dumaan 'yung request and she forgot to put it in the calendar. I had said yes." "Oh, okay. Do you want me to come with you?" "No, I know you have a long night ahead. Claudia, Julia, and other friends of Juliana's are coming over tonight. I already asked Manang to make them dinner and midnight snack."

"Do you want me home early for that?" "No, hon. All girls naman saka nandu'n si Mommy." "Sige, I'll just grab dinner with the guys siguro." "Yeah, okay. I'll be back din naman bukas. Daanan kita sa set if ever." "All right, sige, text me when you get there." "Yes. I love you, hon." "I love you, too. Ingat ka." Richard put the phone down only after Lucy hung up. He stared at it for a moment, at his phone's wallpaper, a picture of Lucy and Juliana, taken in their bedroom years ago. They have become his life, and he knew that was something irrevocable --- something that was clear to him until he looked up and found Dawn staring at him. When he caught her eye, her gaze fell on the script resting on his lap. He glanced down and found a note tucked on Page 8, where their lines that day would start. ~~~ Richard woke up that day to find the other side of the bed empty and Dawn's dresser made up. She had told him about the early rehearsals that would be held before taping that week's 'RSVP' episode, but he didn't expect she would leave without waking him up. He would've wanted to see her before she left, since he was also going on a three-day, out-of-town commitment. It was the first time he was going to leave Dawn ever since she moved into his place. It was going to be hard, he knew. He sighed and stood up to prepare breakfast, but stopped by the mirror, where he saw that she left a prominent kiss mark on his cheek. The kiss as a pick-me-upper, he spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house, knowing that she would be tired from the rehearsal and taping. He decided to pack his things after a long shower but when he stepped out of the bathroom, he noticed his travel suitcase at the corner of the bedroom door, with a note on top of it. He lowered the zipper a bit and saw that it

was already packed. The letter read: To the most handsome guy... in this house (haha!), Hindi na kita ginising because I know you need all the sleep you can get. But I left you a kiss --- two, actually, but my lipstick won't stick on your lips (Oha?) Babe, I just want you to know that I love you. I love you. I love you. Hindi ako magsasawang sabihin 'yan; sana 'wag ka ring magsasawang marinig. Thank you for making me look forward to waking up everyday (and for the yum breakfast)! I can't wait to see you, hug you, kiss you (yihee, gusto!), and... pinch your nose! Be careful, okay? Don't worry about me, bantay-sarado ako kay Viv. Uwi ka agad. I miss you already. Yours and waiting, Dawn He folded the letter with a smile. On his way to the airport, he put it in the inside pocket of his jacket, close to his heart. ~~~ Sensing a bit of her nervousness in her eyes when he saw the note, Richard decided to open it when the "glam team" has left their tent. Dawn was looking at herself in the mirror for a last few touches (she always did it by herself, after the make-up artist has gone). Her note was simple: Richard, let's have dinner. It wasn't even signed, but of course he recognized the gentle loops of her handwriting. He looked over at her and knew that she was waiting for a response. "Sure," he said, just as simply, before getting out of the tent to give her some time to change her wardrobe for the next scene. ~~~ It was going to be hard to shoot this scene, Richard knew, especially

because the character, Emily, believes that she has become the other woman, with Eula Valdes's Jean finally exposing that she was, in fact, Marco's supposedly dead wife, Jane. Dawn is very sensitive about infidelity, the memory that he left with her. She has to call herself "kerida" over and over again, and he could tell by the look in her eyes --- along with the recent happenings --- that it was going to crack her up, no matter how good of an actress she was. Mindful of what other people might say, Emily would be calling off her relationship with Marco, demanding that he not show up at her house anymore. Marco, in turn, has to fight for her, for the two of them. Dawn was intense at the beginning of the scene, and Richard noticed how her shoulders went stiff the moment she delivered the first line of the scene. It was recurring as they threw lines back and forth. "Hindi ka kerida. Pumayag si Jane sa annulment --- ibibigay niya ang kalayaan ko. Hindi ka dapat mangamba." "Ganu'n na lang ba kasimple 'yun? Mahaba ang proseso ng annulment. Anong gagawin natin? Itutuloy natin ang relasyon natin habang naghihintay sa korte ang petisyon n'yo? Eh 'di ganu'n lang din 'yun, Marco. Kabit lang ako. Mas maigi nang magpakalayo-layo na muna tayo sa isa't isa." Richard was a bit more forceful than he intended to be when his turn came up. "Hindi ako papayag," he said, seizing her arm. "Isipin na nila ang gusto nilang isipin." By then, Dawn was already in tears --- unexpected since there were no instructions for that on the script. Richard suddenly found it hard to remember his next lines. "Teka," he said to the director. "Ano ulit 'yun?" One of the production assistants approached with the script, pointing out Richard's lines. Dawn faced the make-up artist, who carefully wiped her tears away and teased, "May tears ba dapat, Ms. Dawn?" She only smiled. When the director said "Action" once more, Richard decided to just let go and not concentrate on delivering the lines word for word. He knew this scene. They have gone through this before.

~~~ He found her sitting on the stairs of the fire escape, hugging her knees to her chest, unmindful of getting her designer dress dirty. Some of his fans who attended the movie screening weren't so welcoming with Dawn, much because of their love for his ex-girlfriend. Sharon pa rin! she was told time and time again. He understood that it was too much for her to bear. "Love?" he called. She barely looked up and didn't move. "Love, bakit ka nandito? Hindi pa tapos 'yung movie." He sat beside her and pulled her into a hug, even in her resistance. "You know, ang ganda ganda mo tonight," he whispered, kissing her shoulder. She looked away, careful not to show him her tears, but a sniff gave her away. A hand under her chin, he turned her face to him. "O, love..." "Maghiwalay na lang tayo, Richard," she said, looking down as a fresh batch of tears came to her. "Hindi ko na kaya." "Susukuan mo ako?" he said back, stroking her cheek and forcing her face up. "Ha? Susukuan mo ako? Hindi mo ba ako mahal?" "Mahal na mahal... pero... narinig mo ba 'yung sinasabi nila? Ayokong masira ang career mo!" "Ito naman, 'wag mong seryosohin 'yun, love." He kissed her softly. "If they really are my fans, they will love me regardless of who my girlfriend is. Besides, kung ikaw lang din naman ang nagmamahal sa akin, hindi ko na sila kailangan." "Magseryoso ka nga!" He wanted to smile at her brat face, but saved it for later, stroking her bare back. "Seryoso ako ha." He cupped her face in his hands. "Mahal na mahal kita. Pinili kita, 'di ba?" "Pinili mo bilang kabit?" "Ano?! Kabit? Dawn, hiwalay na kami ni Sharon bago pa tayo nagkakilala."

"Hindi 'yun ang sabi nila!" " Kanino ka ba maniniwala? Sa akin o sa kanila?" He sighed. "Dawn, you need to trust me." ~~~ "Emily, wala tayong kasalanan dito. Hindi ka kabit..." He pulled her into an embrace and felt her tears hit his polo. He pulled away enough to see her face. "Emily..." His hands held her face. "Hindi tayo maghihiwalay. Hindi, ha?" ~~~ "How can I be sure, Richard? This isn't the first time that you were caught in something like this!" He held her hand and pressed it against his chest. "Ito. Dito. Sa'yo ito. Malakas ang loob kong tumitig sa mata mo dahil hindi kita niloloko. Mahal kita. Walang makakabali no'n." ~~~ They were silent through the ride, Dawn's sudden tears during the scene still fresh in their minds. Dawn wanted to cancel the dinner, but Richard already had his car at the main gate by the time she finished packing up her things. There were already less cars on the road and with heavilytinted glasses, both of them knew that they weren't going to have run-ins with anyone. They had called the restaurant in advance so they can go through with less fuss. Fuss was the last thing they needed right then. Dawn decided to break the silence. "Gusto ko lang sanang malaman kung bakit ka nagkakaganiyan." "Hindi ko alam," Richard answered straight, looking at the road. She noticed that the veins on his neck were a bit more visible, as they usually did when he was mad. " So... anong plano mong gawin sa nararamdaman mo?" "Dawn, hindi ko alam."

By then her rage was also escalating. She faced him. "Ano ba?! Anong sagot 'yan? 'Hindi ko alam'?!" "Sa hindi ko alam eh! Anong magagawa ko?" " "Anong gusto mo't sinabi mo 'yun? Iwanan ko ang asawa ko? Iiwanan mo ang asawa mo?" "Hindi, Dawn." "So bakit nga? Bakit kailangan mo pang sabihin?!" "Dahil nagtanong ka!" Exasperated, Dawn looked out the window, watching the lights that lined the streets. That was until the car went on a sudden, forceful halt. Richard didn't notice that the light has changed to red and almost hit the jeepney in front of them. "Ano ba ---" she said. Richard was in tears. "Richard, pull over." "We'll be late for our reservation." "Ihinto mo muna sa susunod na kanto." Richard made a right and stopped the car beside an abandoned building, where few cars were parked and no one seemed to be around. For a moment, both of them were silent --- Richard wiping his eyes in the stubborn way that Dawn has known from the years they spent together; she was waiting for him, for his reasons. As always, he took his time. "I just don't get why you had to tell me this," she said quietly, absentmindedly rolling her wedding ring around her finger. "Why you had to feel this way." "Sa tingin mo ginusto ko ito?" Richard countered in his quiet rage. "Kung ako lang ang masusunod, hindi ko sasabihin. Ni hindi ko iisipin! May asawa ako, mahal ko ang asawa ko." "Pero mahal mo rin ako?"

"Oo." Dawn looked up to find him staring at her, as he usually does when he talks to her, even when she's not looking. "Sa tingin mo ba nawala 'yun nu'ng nawala ka?" Dawn knew that his confession was true to heart, and that stopped her words. They sat there, no longer in silent rage, but in an understanding that only troubled them even more. Dawn looked at her hands, as she usually does when she's nervous, and caught the gleam of the faint light on her wedding ring. She was beginning to get comfortable in the silence when Richard banged the steering wheel and lifted the lock of the door. She reached for his hand as he was about to open it. "Wala ka rin namang sasabihin, 'di ba?" he said. "Anong gusto mong sabihin ko?" she answered, trying to harden her resolve as she stared into his eyes. "Na mahal din kita? Na pinagsisisihan kong hindi ako naghintay na umayos ka? 'yun ba ang gusto mong marinig?" She found it difficult for her heart to challenge him, because she knew that as she toughens her voice up, she is ripping him apart. She knew that he didn't have the answers. His eyes held nothing but hurt. "Hindi ko alam," he whispered as he found himself in tears, his hands now gripping the steering wheel. "I'm sorry, Dawn. I'm so sorry." She leaned over to his side, reaching for his face as he resisted his touch. "'wag na," he said softly, but she persisted, twisting his face to face her and wiping his tears. Richard held the hand that rested on his cheek as he sobbed harder. "I'm sorry," he kept saying. She moved forward and kissed his other cheek, her lips feeling the dampness of his tears. She stared into his eyes, hushing him the way she did with her kids. "Tahan na," she whispered, leaning to embrace him, holding him as close as she could, her hand rubbing his back. Dawn kissed his cheek once again as she pulled slightly away to see his face. He knew the look in his eyes, but she didn't move, even when he was starting to lean closer. "Richard," she simply whispered, but without a move of protest, even when his lips have fallen on hers.

By then her hands were off his cheeks, but his were on hers. Dawn's tears finally fell and his thumb was there to wipe it away. He took his time for a moment, his lips gently stroking hers, bringing them both back to that first kiss under the sun of Batanes, under the faint yellowish glow of the bulb in front of the cottage. She welcomed and answered his kisses the way she did 20 years ago and he guided her back to her seat, stroking her hair. The moment held on for a while. The kiss held the answer. He knew it now