Captivate First Book
March 26, 2023 | Author: Anonymous | Category: N/A
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CAPTIVATE The Science of Succeeding with People
Vanessa Van Edwards
PORTFOLIO / PENGUIN
Dedicated to anyone who has ever felt awkward in a social situation. You are so not alone.
INTRODUCTION
i, my name is Vanessa, and I’m a recovering awkward person. At school school dances, I’d volunteer volunteer to watch the punch bowl. Growing Growing up, if a cool kid accidentally bumped into me, I would start hiccupping
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uncontrollably. When my family got AOL, my rst IM buddy was the school nurse. In second grade I tried to get a permanent dismissal from PE by saying I had menopause pains. If only Google had been around in those days. o prove it, as painful as it is, I present Exhibit A, a photo of me circa 1: As you can ca n see, I went for “helmet “hel met hair” hai r” withw ithout actually playing a sport requiring a helmet— helmet— or any sport, frankly— frank ly— whi while le clinging clingi ng to the belief that nothing complements a baggy -shirt quite like a sharp vest. A plaid one, though truthfully I wasn’t too picky in the vest department. depar tment. On particularly socially anxious an xious days, I would break out in hives right before walking into Me, circa 1 school and wear long sleeves and pants to cover my swollen, red, itchy limbs. As you might have guessed, the rashes covering my face and scalp didn’ d idn’tt help my popularity popularity ranking ra nkings. s. It wasn’t all bad, though. On Valentine’s Day, my teachers gave me cards.
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HUMAN BEHAVIOR HACKING
It’s an understatement to say that people skills It’s ski lls did d id not come come naturally natura lly to me. I had to learn them the hard way, so I could teach them to you the easy way. Here’s Here’s how it happened: Early on, I gu gured red out that I could learn human behavior just like I studied for math or foreign language tests. I made facial expression ash cards, looked for small-talk small-talk patterns, and tried to spot s pot the hidden emotions of my teachers—although teachers—although that last one sometimes got me into trouble! I read everything I could get my hands on about people— psychology people— psychology textbooks, sociological studies, and every human behavior book ever written. wr itten. Eventually, Eventual ly, I began to create my own tests and experiments. exper iments. For one mini-experiment, mini-experiment, I created ash cards of conversation starters based on studies of dopamine, carried them in my purse, tried them on strangers, and then catalogued their reactions. For another, I tried to adopt the alpha body language moves of chimps to see if people would mirror me (that one did NO work). In yet another, I used persuasion techniques in a business pitch competition to see if I could game the system. On a whim, I decided to document all of my misadventures and takeaways as a human guinea g uinea pig on a blog, ScienceofPeople.com. o o my sur prise and delight, delig ht, I found found I wasn’t wasn’t the only only person struggli strug gling ng to get along with wit h people. pe ople. As our ar articles ticles sta starte rted d to pop up al alll over the web and our videos began going vi viral ral,, we w e caug c aught ht the t he attention at tention of media med ia outlets li like ke NPR, Inc., and Forbes , which covered our unique approach. Tis is when I decided to do larger research experiments e xperiments and turn t urn Science of People People into a human behavior lab. In our lab, we start star t every endeavor by nding the latest scientic studies and then turn them into real-life real- life experiments and tactics. We then share these strategies with our readers and students to test them. In this way, each sk skil illl in th this is book has al alread readyy been re rened ned by thous thousand andss of students who have used them in real-life situations situat ions and reported report ed their results back to us to perfect. Tis method is our secret sauce: Step One: Find fascinating research. Step wo: Create actionable real-life real-life strategies.
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Step Tree: est, est, tweak, tweak , and perfect. Repeat.
I call our approach behavior hacking. Over the last eight years, I have developed shortcuts, shortcuts, formulas, and a nd blueprints for getting getting along a long with anyone. Our unique approach has reached millions of students through our online courses and in-person workshops. I’ve helped corporate teams at Fortune 00 companies increase their interpersonal intelligence, singles make connections c onnections at speed- dating workshops, and entrepreneurs win w in pitch competitions using science-based science-based behavior hacks. My columns and appearances in the Huffing ngton ton Post , in Forbes , and on CNN are seen all over the world by people who want to improve their relationships. We have streaml stre amlined ined al alll of our best b est ndin ndings gs into a uni universal versal fra frameme work that makes up this th is book. b ook. Each chapter chapt er of Captivate will teach you one of the fourteen behavior hacks. Tese are simple, powerful tools that you can ca n use u se to t o level up your career, improve i mprove your relationships relationships,, and a nd ini ncrease your income. W H AT AT Y O U W I L L L E A R N
Tis book will teach you how people work. If you know exactly what makes people tick, you can optimize your behavior, interactions, and relationships. rying to get along with people without a framework is a bit like solving complex math problems without any equations. It’s both difcult and involves a heck of a lot of unnecessary suffering along the way. Tis book will give you the people skills you never learned in school.
As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our our inner workings working s are quite similar—if similar— if not eerily predictable. Tere are hidden rules to human behavior. We just have to nd where to look. look . Part I is all about helping you master the rst ve minutes of any interaction—starting interaction— starting a conversation and creating instant likability. First impressions impress ions are fundamental to everything every thing else I can teach you. In Part II, I will teach you skills that will help you get to know someone better in the rst ve hours of any interaction. My system for speedreading people and decoding behavior will help you whether you are on the rst ve dates or the rst ve meetings. I call this system the matrix—it matrix— it doesn’t doesn’t involve Keanu Reeves, but it’s it’s just as cool. Tis is what
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happens when you want to level up a casual connection to something deeper. Part III is about the rst ve days. In order to get to know someone on a deeper level, you have to learn how to inuence people, lead teams, and increase your impact with w ith everyone you meet. Tis is the ultimate u ltimate level of connection and the nal and most advanced step for interacting with people. You Y ou can also a lso keep your you r eyes peeled for Fast Facts, where we pulled pu lled in data from our witter polls and online surveys that are relevant to the content. Tey look like this: FAST FACT BOX
Our Twitter poll indicated that percent of users believe people skills are a bigger contributor to career success than technical skills.
You wil You willl also see that we refe reference rence our “Digital Bonuses. Bonuses.”” Tese Tese are secsections of the book that have corresponding videos, photos, and exercises to help you learn as you go. Get all of the resources at www.ScienceofPeople .com/toolbox. .com/toolbox. Here’ss my promise: Here’ promise: Learni Lea rning ng people ski skills lls will w ill change your life. Developing your PQ—or interpersonal intelligence—is like adding a catalyst to your success. By the end of the book you will be able to engage anyone you meet in memorable conversation. You You will wi ll know k now how to leave a lasting rst impression with clients, colleagues, and friends. And you will have more condence, control, and charisma in all of your interactions. • People with high PQ make on average , more per year than people with average PQ. • 0 percent of top business performers have hig high h PQ.
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• Individuals with strong interpersonal interpersonal communication communication report report being 2 percent happier and more fullled with their lives. I joke that people skills are the social lubricant of life. When you understand the laws of human behavior, everything goes more smoothly: Professionally , you will know how to negotiate a raise, connect with colleagues, collea gues, build bui ld rapport at networki networking ng events, and nail your elevaelevator pitch. Socially , you will make unforgettable rst impressions, reduce relationship drama, dra ma, enjoy stronger and more more supportive friendships, friendsh ips, and get along with everyone you meet. Romantically , you will impress your dates, deepen your relationships, irt authentically, and prevent partner miscommunications. Bottom line: Tere is a science to winning friends and inuencing people, and learning learn ing it will w ill completely c ompletely change the way you interact. Let the adventure begin! YO U R P Q S C O R E
In every job that must be done done,, there is an elemen elementt of fun. You nd the fun f un and—SNAP— and—SNAP—the the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins
I have developed the following quiz to test your people skills, or your PQ. Tis quiz will help you assess your current level of interpersonal intelligence. Te good news is our PQ can be improved, stretched, and hacked. No matter where you are now, each hack you learn in this book will help get your PQ up. We will wi ll take this test aga again in at the t he end of the book, book , and a nd my goal is to to help you level up your score by at least fty points. Ready? Play Play.. Th T h e PQ Tes t
1. Which smile is real?
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A
B
C
2. Where is the best place to stand at a networki networking ng event? event? A. Near the entrance to the t he event B. At the food food table so you can sit with people C. Where people exit the bar D. Next to so someone meone you know . What does this face mean?
A. Amused B. Sad C. Bored D. Contemptuous
D
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. Which saying about people is most most true? A. “Opposites attract.” attra ct.” B. “Birds of a feather ock together. together.”” C. “One bad apple spoils the bunch.” bunch.” D. “Never bite bite the hand that feeds you.” you.” . How much of our our personality personalit y comes comes from our genes? genes? A. Ver eryy lit little tle.. Ou Ourr pers persona onalit lityy is most mostly ly formed by how we are raised. B. percent percent to 0 percent C. percent percent to percent percent D. A lot. lot. Our personality personalit y is mostly mostly formed by our genetics genetics and DNA. . Te best way to show someone you care about them is to: A. ell them all a ll the reasons rea sons they are awesome B. Get them a gif giftt C. Do their to-do list for for them D. Al Alll of the above E. It’ It’ss different for each person . Which phrase corresponds best with this facial expression? expression?
A. It smells weird in here. B. Tis makes me angr angryy. C. I’m confused. confu sed. D. I’m afr afraid. aid.
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. Which emoticon emoticon would would best represent this face?
A
B
C
D
. If this man ma n walked walk ed into your office, what would you gues guesss about him? (Hint: Only one of these personality assessments is correct.)
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A. B. C. D.
He is an introvert. introver t. He is an extrovert. He is laidlaid-back. back. He is quiet.
10. Our brains are most active when we are chattin chattingg about: about: A. Our crush cr ush B. Te latest juicy gossip gossip C. Ourselves D. Te latest thr thriller iller 11. What does this face mean?
A. Excitement B. Giddiness C. Interest D. Surprise 12. In the average conversation, people typically hold eye contact what percent of the time in a conversation? A. 1 percent B. 1 percent C. 1 percent D. 1 percent
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1. Te best way to get someone someone on on the same page as you is to: A. ell them a story stor y B. Pay them a compliment C. Make them laugh D. Say som something ething surprising 1. What does does this face mean?
A. B. C. D.
Surpr ise Surprise Hatred Fear Confusion
1. Which of these habits tends to annoy people the most? A. People who are too talkative tal kative B. People who are too quiet C. People who are fake D. People who show off 1. People wi will ll pay more for something that: A. Teir friends fr iends have also bought boug ht B. A doctor recommends C. Matches their personalit personality y D. Tey customiz customized ed 1.. When you rst meet someone, you are LEAS 1 LE AS likely li kely to be able to accurately guess:
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A. B. C. D. E.
How extroverted they t hey are How much they worr worry y If they are open to new new ideas ideas Teir IQ How organized they are
1. Te easiest way to know if your your new colleag colleague ue is neurotic is if they: A. Put up inspirational inspirat ional posters B. Show up early to every meeting on the rst day C. Introduce themselves to you immed immediately iately D. Wait for you to introduce yourself 1. What does this face mean?
A. Embarra Embarrassment ssment B. Confusion C. Irritation D. Disgust 20. Making Mak ing someon someonee feel mood. A. Flatt Flattered ered B. Attractive C. Valued D. Powerful
is the best way to improve their
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Answer Key: Whew! Now Now it’ it’ss time to check check your answers. Go through and give yourself 0 points for every wrong answer and 10 points for every right answer:
1. 2. . . . . . . . 10. 11. 12.
C C D B B E B D B C D C
Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter 1) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter 2)
1. 1. 1. 1. 1.. 1 1. 1. 20.
A C C D B A D C
Points (Chapter 11) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter 1) Points (Chapter 12) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter ) Points (Chapter )
Add up the total to t o get: Your Y our PQ Score = ake note of this score. By the end of the book, we will blow it out of the water. to points I’m so excited you’re here! Let me tell you, this is exactly where I was when I rst started sta rted,, and I couldn’t be more thr thril illed led to start you on on this adventure. Get ready, big change is a comin’.
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to points You Y ou got thi this. s. In fact fact,, thi thiss is the ran range ge for most people. But you y ou and a nd I both know you are not average. You’re exceptional; it’s time to show it. to points You’ Y ou’re re well wel l on your way. You You alrea a lready dy have good interper i nterpersonal sonal intel intelliligence, but good is never enough. Let’s make it great! to points Well, well, well smar smartyty- pants pants.. You’ ou’re re a natu natural ral!! Hey, He y, if you’ you’re re alrea a lready dy this good with people, imagine where this book can take you. Say it with me: “total world domination.”
Did some of these answers surprise you? Tey should! We have not lear learned ned many of the t he funda f undamental mental forces that dr drive ive human behavior. But don’t worry, I will explain the fascinating research behind each and every one in the chapters to come.
For more on CAPTIVATE: The Science of Succeeding with People, visit www.ScienceofPeople.com/Captivate
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