Bye Bye Birdie Script

Bye Bye Birdie: Working Script for Carlisle Musical, March 2010 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46

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ACT 1, Scene 1 – ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. OFFICE Albert: (on phone) I know that, sir, but… General: (on phone) Think of the disastrous effect this might have on the morale of the American teenager! Albert: But… General: Are you suggesting that Conrad Birdie doesn’t want to go into the army??!! Albert: No, sir. It’s just that… (picks up copy of song) General: He’s going, and he’s going two weeks from today! Albert: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. He’ll be there… (hangs up) Why? Why did they have to draft him? Just when I finally write a song he’s going to do: the title song of his next picture “Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo”. Now there isn’t going to be a picture! (tears up song) Bookkeeper: Albert, I have your financial statement, if you really want it. Total assets $312.08. (Albert starts to choke on pills) Liabilities $4,030.00. (gets up) Confidentially, you’re a fiscal fiasco. Goodbye, Albert. (gets hat and starts to leave) Albert: In six years, I never sold a single song. It’s just that I’m my momma’s sole source of support. I wasted every cent my father left on the Almaelou Music Corporation… Bookkeeper: It’s not your fault! Your mother wants you to be a songwriter! You could make a good living as a teacher… Albert: (shocked, nervous): Well, but, momma’s sensitive. When I upset her, she faints. Bookkeeper: But you love poetry, and you could make a great living teaching English. Albert: English, English, you sound like Rosie. (looks around) Hey, where is she anyway? She was supposed to be here an hour ago… (Rosie enters briskly) Rosie, this is the end of Almaelou! Conrad Birdie is going into the Army! Rosie: And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting (slaps down letter) her resignation! Albert: What? Rosie: I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert, darling. Lots of luck! (blows kiss, turns) Albert: Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! (Runs back to desk, looks through drawers.) My pills, where are my pills… the little ones I take when I’m overwrought. Bookkeeper: (Picks up bottle from the desk, opens it, and hands him one.) Here.

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Albert: Not so much. Break it in half. Rosie: You’re thirty-three years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin. (He takes one) Albert: I am not thirty-three! I won’t be thirty-three until tomorrow… (gasping) Water! Bookkeeper pours and hands him the glass) Rosie: It’s no use, Albert. I’ve spent eight years on “Project Albert.” Albert: (moans, starts to sway dizzily, Bookkeeper tries to be ready to catch him): If it’s part of the company you’re after, the answer is no. Any change would kill my Momma. Bookkeeper: Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. Rosie: Except maybe a silver bullet. Bookkeeper: There’s nothing to discuss, Rosie. Conrad Birdie’s going into the army. Rosie: And I’ve quit. (to Albert) You have to go back to college and get your… Albert: (hands on ears) Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! And I’ve just taken a severe overdose of aspirin. (faints in chair provided by Bookkeeper) Bookkeeper: Albert, this may be your last chance. Listen to me, Albert… No. 3: An English Teacher Bookkeeper: HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO. Rosie: NOW YOU’RE FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO, Both: ALBERT, ALBERT, AL---BERT…! Both: IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID. YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD, INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM, YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME… (she runs to open door) An English teacher! (Albert rushes to door and closes it) Rosie: (backing him to center stage) And in the NYU yearbook for 1952, under “Albert Peterson’s favorite piece of literature,” you know what it says? (shows it to Bookkeeper) Albert: (groans) Rosie and Bookkeeper: Little Women! Albert: (sinks into chair) I’m ruined in show business.

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Rosie: AN ENGLISH TEACHER, AN ENGLISH TEACHER, IF ONLY YOU’D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER, WE’D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS YOU’D GET A SUMMER VACATION AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS. Bookkeeper: A MAN WHO’S GOT HIS MASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONE. HOW PROUD WE’D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE! Rosie: IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS PETERSON, MRS. ALBERT PETERSON, MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. Albert: (Suddenly rising) Rose, I’ll make a deal with you! Stay with me, and as soon as I’m out of the red, I’ll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life! Rosie: Albert, you’re on! (She goes to her desk and takes out a small file folder.) Albert: Of course, it may take awhile, but I’m sure that by 1973 or ’74 at the latest, we’ll… (Rosie opens a file, pulls a card, and slams it on his desk.) What’s that? Rosie: I have a plan: something that’s going to push that date up a few years. (reads card) MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age 15, president and recording secretary, Conrad Birdie Fan Club number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (picks up the phone) Mary? (they all freeze) SPLIT SCENE – ABOVE and STAGE LEFT, FRONT Ursula: Hello? Kim: Hello, Urs? This is Kim. And if I don’t tell somebody, I’m just going to burst! So, Ursula, you are the very first to know. I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody! Ursula: Oh, no! Kim MacAfee, you didn’t! You really got pinned? You mean you and Hugo have a (sighs) permanent understanding? Kim: Uh-huh! Oh, it’s Hugo and I, forever. Mary: Yes, Miss Alvarez? Rosie: Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. Mary: Yes, Ma’am. Do you have the number? Rosie: I have it right here: the number’s (reads slowly from card) …Capitol 7 double 8, 2, Zero. Sweet Apple, Ohio. And call me right back. (hangs up) Albert: (rising and looking into the phone) Now wait a minute! What’s going on here? Who’s Kim What-ever-her-name is? Rosie: Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever seen! It’s called “One Last Kiss.”

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Albert and Bookkeeper: I’ve never heard of it. Rosie: (to audience) He hasn’t written it, yet. (Leads Albert to piano and seats him.) But when you do… and when that “one last kiss” is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold army for two long years… and when he gives that “one last kiss” to one of his fans chosen at random from one million hysterical teenagers… it’ll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc! Albert: (he rises) Rose, I’m beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York… Rosie: (she pushes him back down) Take Conrad Birdie to Sweet Apple, Ohio. Albert: (he rises again) Let him kiss the kid… Rosie: (she pushes him down again) And release the record! (she crosses to sit at desk) Bookkeeper: Why, you’ll make enough money to stay in college for the rest of your life! Albert: I promise you, as soon as this thing is settled, it’ll be just the two of us, Rose! In perfect bliss… (chime sounds) Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyone’s ever used it before? Oh what difference does it make? (sings) Oh one last kiss; it gives me so much bliss… I love your dentifrice… No, that’s too clinical… (he writes furiously at the piano for the rest of the scene) Rosie: (phone rings) Yes? Mary: (on phone) I can’t reach her, Ma’am. The lines are jammed. Rosie: Well, every phone in Sweet Apple, Ohio can’t be busy; what’s going on there? Mary: Kim MacAfee just got pinned to (muffled) Hugh Peabody… Rosie: She got pinned to who? Mary: To Hugh! Rosie: To who?! Never mind, Mary, keep trying and call me back. (hangs up) THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE THEN I MIGHT BE MRS. PETERSON, MRS ALBERT PETERSON, MRS. PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER’S WIFE. [Blackout]

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ACT 1, Scene 2 – SWEET APPLE PHONE LIMBO No. 4: The Telephone Hour (Sweet Apple Teen Chorus) Helen: HI NANCY! Nancy: HI HELEN! Helen: WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? Nancy: WHAT’S THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE? TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM. Alice: HI MARGIE! Margie: HI ALICE! WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? Alice: WHAT’S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM? Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED? DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY? DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? OR WAS HE TOO SHY? WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED… Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: YEAH, YEAH. Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD… Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: UH, HUH. Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST… Dwight, Fred, Karl, Jerry: HE’S GONE! Helen, Nancy, Alice, Margie: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! Harvey: HELLO MR. HENKEL, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON, CAN I SPEAK TO PENELOPE ANN? Penelope: IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM? Harvey: Penelope? Penelope: I JUST KNEW IT SOMEHOW. Harvey: About the prom. Penelope: I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP! Harvey: Saturday? Penelope: I CAN’T TALK TO YOU NOW. Girls: GOING STEADY Girls: GOING STEADY Girls: GOING STEADY Suzie: IT WON’T LAST April: NOT AT ALL Betty: HE’S TOO THIN* Clara: SHE’S TOO TALL*

Boys: YOU KNOW IT MAN Boys: IT’S CRAZY MAN Boys: YOU KNOW IT

*we might alter these lines

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Harvey: HELLO MRS. MILLER, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE? Boys: HIYA HUGO, HIYA STUPID, WHATCHA WANNA GO GET PINNED FOR? Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED Boys: HEY YA MEATHEAD Girls: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD Boys: LOST YOUR MARBLES Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST Boys: ARE YOU NUTTY Girls: GOING STEADY FOR… Harvey: HELLO MRS. GARFEIN, IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET? (Light on Charity, who talks to him) NHAMP: DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED SABC+: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE SAW HIM NHAMP: I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD SABC+: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE DUG HIM NHAMP: NOW THEY’RE LIVING AT LAST SABC+: GOING STEADY Boys: SHE NAILED HIM Girls: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD Boys: IF YOU GOTTA GO, THAT’S THE WAY TO GO WHEN THEY GOT YA HOOKED, Boys: THEN YOU’RE REALLY COOKED! WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHACHA GONNA DO? Girls: OOOOOH! Girls: WELL I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED, Boys: OH, MAN! Girls: I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD. Boys: OH, MAN! Girls: NOW THEY’RE LIVIN’ AT LAST, Boys: OH… All: GOING STEADY FOR GOOD! GOING STEADY…STEADY FOR GOOD! Charity: HE’S IN LOVE WITH KIM, KIM’S IN LOVE WITH HIM Boys (girls in parentheses): GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL), GOING STEADY (WE-ELL) GOING STEADY (WELL), GOING STEADY (DOO-OO-OO) STEADY FOR GOOD (TELL) Low voices (high voices in parentheses): THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE (OH YEAH) THEY’LL BE HAPPY I KNOW (OH YEAH) GOING STEADY’S FOR ME (OH YEAH), THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD GO. All: GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD, OH…YEAH!

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ACT 1, Scene 3 – Ursula on phone & MacAfee House Ursula: (on phone) Kim MacAfee, what do you mean you’re resigning from the Fan Club? I mean just because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn’t mean you have to retire from all social life! (Mrs. MacAfee picks up the phone as well) Kim: (on phone) I’m sorry, Ursula, but my mind’s made up. Of course, I’ll still play his records, but things like the Conrad Birdie Scream are past me now. Ursula: You’re giving up the scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie sings on television, you’re not going to go “AAHHHH!!!!!!!!!” (tragically) Oh, Kim! Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up and calls to her daughter) Kim dear, would you please get off the phone? I’ve got some calls to make. Kim: (calls to her) All right, Mother! (then back into phone) Sorry Ursula, I’ve got to hang up. You’ll explain everything to the other kids, won’t you? (Mrs. MacAfee picks up phone) Ursula: I suppose I’ll have to. Bye, Kim… wait! Kim, are you sure? I mean after all! I mean really, Kim, are you absolutely sure? Kim: After all, I’m fifteen years old and it’s time I settled down. Goodbye, Urs! (hangs up) No. 6: How Lovely to be a Woman HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN, THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE. HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA AND SMILE A WOMAN’S SMILE HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE, THAT’S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT. WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE, YOU’RE WHAT THEY’RE WHISTLING AT! IT’S WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW YOU’RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS. HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO: TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH YOU’VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE. LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME! HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS. HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES. HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN, AND GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN. HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN UP AND FREE. LIFE’S LOVELY WHEN YOU’RE A WOMAN LIKE ME!

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Mrs. MacAfee: (hangs up, phone rings immediately) Hello? Kim, there’s a call for you. The operator said she’s been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour! (she shrugs at Mr. MacAfee, who is reading the paper.) Kim: Thank you, Doris. I’ll get it. Mrs. MacAfee: She said it was long distance and I can’t imagine who… What did you say? Kim: I said thank you, Doris. There’s no need to look so upset. It’s modern to call your mother by her first name. It makes the mother and daughter more like pals. Mrs. MacAfee: And your father? (still holding out phone, looking shocked) Kim: I’ll call him Harry, naturally. (she walks around the room, patting her father on the shoulder: he looks up from the paper, mutters “yeah,” and laughs mirthlessly) By the way, I think Harry took the news about Hugo and I awfully well, don’t you, Doris? (Mrs. Macafee has to sit down. Kim takes the phone.) This is she. Yes, I’ll wait. Mrs. MacAfee: Yesterday I was a mother. Today I’m a pal. (gets up, stands behind Harry) Are you sure you wouldn’t like to call me Mom? That’s modern. Kim: I’m sorry, but times are changing. (then casually) Doris, dear, you’ve got to go along with them or be left behind with the old folks! (parents exit, shaking heads) Kim: (she has been listening on the phone, transforming from a poised woman into a dazed child: she speaks to the phone receiver in a very small voice) Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. (hangs up – then realizes…) Conrad Birdie… is coming here… to kiss me? (weakly) Doris. (a bit louder) Mother. (a shout) MOMMY!!!! Mrs. MacAfee: (runs in and embraces her) BABY!!! What is it? What’s wrong? Kim: (gasping) Birdie… Conrad… here coming kiss to me! Mrs. MacAfee: That’s nice, dear. Now you just put your head on Mommy’ shoulder… Kim: You don’t understand! Conrad Birdie is coming here to Sweet Apple to kiss me goodbye! Oh, Mommy, Mommy! Mrs. MacAfee: I never thought I’d say it… but God bless Conrad Birdie! (Kim screams…)

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ACT 1, Scene 4 – Penn Station, New York City No. 7: We Love You, Conrad NYC Girls, led by Daisy: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! Albert: Hello, ladies! Sorry I’m late. Now let’s go over the “Birdie Song” once more before we go down to the train. One, two, three… (he starts conducting, nothing happens) Daisy: Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson! Ah right girls, pep up! One two three… Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CONRAD… Albert: (sees sad girl - Joanie) Oh, young lady, you can sing with us if you want. Joanie: No, thank you. Albert: What’s the matter with her? Daisy: Oh, she’s just sad because Conrad Birdie’s going into the army, and she’ll be too old for him when he gets out. Joanie: (sighs) What’s the point? Lucy: Mr. Peterson, Joanie’s been like this for three days! Cathy: We’ve done everything to try to make her feel better! Albert: Let me see what I can do. (Albert approaches Joanie.) Hi! I’m Albert Peterson, Conrad’s manager. Come on now, that’s not way to be. Things can’t be that bad. Smile! Little girl, this is an adult speaking! I order you to smile! Please? (sings) No. 8: Put On a Happy Face Albert: GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. TAKE OF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY, IT’S NOT YOUR STYLE. YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU’LL BE GLAD, YOU DECIDED TO SMILE! NYC Policeman: PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK, STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN. Albert: WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK, SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN. Both: SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! All: PUT ON A HAPPY FACE, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.

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Daisy: AND IF YOU’RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH, DON’T SIT AND WHINE. Lucy: THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE, AND YOU’LL FEEL FINE Cathy: I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY, SHE’D NEVER LAUGH OR SING. SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ME, NOW SHE’S A MEAN OLD THING! All: SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! {Dance.} Albert: Hey, there’s our luggage! You’d better hurry up if you want to see Conrad before he goes! (Joanie runs offstage) (Rosie appears, pushing the luggage cart) Rosie: You forgot your briefcase. Plus, I figured I’d better help you coach Conrad before he talks to any reporters. You know what happened the last time! Albert: You hang on to it, Rose. I’ve got to wait here for Momma. Rosie: Speaking of your mother, Albert… have you told her about dissolving Almaelou? Albert: I couldn’t, Rosie. She might faint. Mama: (from the back of the Hall) YOO HOOOOOOOO!!!! Rosie: (sarcastically) Who could that be? Mama: (entering, starting to yell when visible to audience) YOO HOOOOOO! (she shoves her way through the audience and departing NYC folks, ad lib.) SONNY! (they embrace – she staggers) Albert: Mama! What’s the matter? Mama: Don’t worry about me, Sonny. I’m just a little faint, from the subway… Albert: Mama, I told you to take a taxi. Mama: Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I’ll leave the taxis for my successful son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of disgusting people who wouldn’t give you a seat if your life depended on it, but what’s the difference; nowadays a mother is lower than dirt, anyway! (digs in purse for a coin) Here’s the money I saved from not taking the taxi. Buy some candy with it. (looks at Rosie) What’s that? Albert: Mama, you know Miss Alvarez from my office.

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Mama: This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? (then with an agonized shout) I can’t believe it! Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? Rosie: Excuse me, Albert. I think I’ll go see if Conrad’s here. Mama: Goodbye, Rose. Rosie: Goodbye, Mae. Mama: Call me Mrs. Peterson. (Rose nods, and exits.) Albert: Mama, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Maybe you’d better sit down. Mama: Why? I know my sonny. He loves his mama. He isn’t going to say anything that would break her heart. Go ahead, dear, what about Rose? Albert: Well, Mama, Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. (Mama staggers and grabs her heart.) What’s the matter, Mama? Mama: (fainting) Nothing’s the matter. You killed me, that’s all. I’m on my way up! Albert: You don’t understand, Mama. It’s just that Rose thought… I mean I thought… Look, Mama. I have to go. Here. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded. Mama: Nothing is too crowded for a mother. Wait a minute… (freezes dramatically) how many blocks is it, after all? Only 107! I’ll walk. (starts to depart through audience) Albert: Mama… Mama: Excuse me, pardon me, etc. Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. AND EAT A HOT LUNCH…. (exits) Rosie: (enters) I thought you were going to break it to her gently. Albert: Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn’t tell her yet. (music starts) Rosie: You mean you didn’t…? Sally: He’s coming! He’s coming! Conrad Birdie is coming!! (girls scream offstage, then citizens enter one at a time) Albert: Come on, Rosie! We can’t let him talk to those reporters alone! Conrad, reporters, and New York teens enter: “Conrad’s here! He’s coming! etc.) Reporters: How about answering a couple of questions? Hey Conrad! Over here! Globe Reporter: How do you feel about going into the army? (Albert grabs him.)

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No. 9: A Healthy, Normal, American Boy Albert: HOW DOES HE FEEL, YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS? HE’S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU, SO I’LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS: HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER, STRANGELY HUMBLE, PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I.! Rosie: HE WILL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS, FOR HE’S NOT AFRAID TO DIE, Girls and Citizens: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! Albert: And that’s why he volunteered for… Times Reporter: Volunteered? I thought he was drafted! Tribune Reporter: And he appealed – three times! Globe Reporter: What about that starlet, Conrad? Are you two engaged? Post Reporter: And why was her husband so mad? Herald Reporter: Is Conrad still drinking a lot? Rosie: Sing! Sing! Girls and Citizens (Others in parentheses): WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (OH BEAUTIFUL) OH YES WE DO (FOR SPACIOUS SKIES) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (FOR AMBER WAVES) AND WE’LL BE TRUE (OF GRAIN) OH, OH, CONRAD (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU (AMERICA) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD (GOD SHED HIS) WE’LL BE TRUE (GRACE ON THEE) Reporters: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, AVERAGE, MODEST, Reporters, Albert, Rosie: PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL, All: AMERICAN, AMERICAN BOY! Train conductor (offstage): All aboard!

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ACT 1, Scene 5 – Sweet Apple Station, Ohio No. 7 (Reprised): We Love You, Conrad Girls, led by Clara: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. WHEN YOU’RE NOT NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! No. 7 (Altered): We Hate You, Conrad Boys, led by Hugo: WE HATE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE HATE YOU CONRAD, AND THAT IS BE TRUE. WHEN YOU ARE NEAR US, WE’RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE HATE YOU! Helen and Charity: (Conrad appears, girls scream) Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple, Ohio! (girls scream) Nancy: (all four lines read as one crescendo) Now before we escort you to the Town Hall… Alice: Where the Mayor himself is waiting… Margie: I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon… Ursula: And who will now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie pledge! Kim MacAfee! Kim and All Sweet Apple Girls: I, (Kim MacAfee), being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America – both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! (Cheers) Girls: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! (Birdie is lifted up and most exit, singing.) Hugo: Kim, could I talk to you for a minute? Kim: Right now? Couldn’t it wait? Hugo: I don’t think so, Kim. It’s important. Suzie: Hugo Peabody, what’s so important that you have to talk to her right now? Clara: Yes! What’s the urgently urgent urgency, Hugo?? April: Whatever it is can’t be THAT important, Hugo. Hugo: Important? I’ll tell you what’s so important! The day after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someone else, that’s what’s so important! (pauses, gets no reaction) I want you to know I’m quite upset about this. I’ve already had several headaches and a nosebleed! Betty: Why Hugo, I believe you’re actually jealous of Conrad Birdie! Hugo: Me jealous? I’m the opposite of jealous. I’m VERY jealous! Kim’s my steady! People just don’t ditch their steadies.

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Deborah Sue: Conrad Birdie isn’t “people,” Hugo. Kim: That’s just it, Hugo. I’m your steady! I’m pinned to you, Hugo, and I don’t care how common and ordinary you are, that’s how I’m going to stay! Hugo: You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? Kim: I mean every word of it, Hugo. Conrad Birdie is just a fling. A steady is forever… No. 12: One Boy Kim: ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH, AND WALK WITH, HNAUD: ONE BOY, THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. Kim and Ursula: ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH. ONE BOY. NOT TWO OR THREE. SBCMCh: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT, THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU Ten Girls: ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY, ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER, ONE BOY, All Girls: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. Hugo: Oh Kim, all thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished! Kim: You were silly to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie doesn’t have half the effect on me that my steady does. Why even when I say his name I don’t feel a thing. Listen. Conrad Birdie. Conrad Birdie. Bonrad Cirdie. (swoons and girls lead her out) Hugo: (to Rosie, as she enters) The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost faint… and you heard her, Lady! That boy is me! Rosie: ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND OUT: THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU. ONE GUY, ONE SPECIAL GUY, ONE GUY TO LIVE FOR, TO CARE FOR, BE THERE FOR {Dance.} Albert: (catching the briefcase as she throws it away) Rosie, what’s the matter? Rosie: I was just thinking of you Albert… Albert: Good, I need my speech! Where is it? In the briefcase? Bring it along; the Mayor’s almost finished talking. Come on! (dashes out) Rosie: THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

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ACT 1, Scene 6 – Sweet Apple Courthouse Steps Mayor:….and so it is with great pride and prejudice, as well as the usual pomp and circumstances, that I welcome you to our fair city, Mr. Conrad Birdie… Ursula: AHHH!! HE SAID IT!! HE SAID THE NAME!!! (leads the screaming) Mayor: What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie. (scream) I welcome you…uh… sir… to our fair city and present you with this 14-carat solid gold key so generously donated by employees at the Sweet Apple Brass Works. And as I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie… (scream) If you girls don’t stop that, I can’t finish my speech! Edna: Uh nobody cares about your speech, dear. I think I speak for the entire population when I say that we’d much rather hear from Mr. Birdie! (turns away from him) Mr. Birdie? Helen: Who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Conrad! Anna: Speak to us, oh beautiful one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of it, has reduced me to a snarling, raging, panting jungle beast! No. 14: Sincere Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. (Edna utters a weak little scream and swoons) Mayor: Edna! What’s the matter? Conrad: YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE. Mayor: Mr. Birdie, what are you doing? (reviving his wife, who has rubbery legs) Conrad: YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, ‘CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE, WELL THEN YOU’RE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE! IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE, (REALLY FEEL IT) YOU MAKE THEM FEEL IT TOO (WRITE THIS DOWN NOW) YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, HONESTLY SINCERE, MAN YOU’VE GOTTA BE SINCERE! Mayor: (Edna revives, only to faint again) Edna!! Conrad: IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! Oh baby! (scream) Oh honey! (scream) Hug me! (scream) Suffer! (scream)

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IN EVERYTHING I DO MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH. I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, DON’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY: IT’S AUTOMATIC! I’M SINCERE. WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE, I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL I MEAN I REALLY FEEL SINCERE! IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU’RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT! Oh baby! (scream) Oh honey! (scream) Hug me! (scream) Suffer! (scream) YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH OH OH, YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH OH OH MY BABY, OH MY BABY OH YEAH, OH MY BABY OH YEAH! Mrs. Johnson: Harvey! Harvey Johnson! What are you doing? Mrs. Merkle: Ursula! Ursula! Come back here this minute! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, Teens: Yeah! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, Teens: Yeah! Conrad: WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, Teens: Yeah! Conrad: OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (first girl faints) WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL YOU GONNA BE SINCERE. OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (riot begins, some more faint) OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some run into the audience and faint)) OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, (some faint) OH MY BABY, OH YEAH, YEAH! YEAH! (some run offstage) [Blackout]

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ACT 1, Scene 7 – MacAfee House Henry: (in audience) Harvey, where are you? Edna: (offstage left) Mister Birdie! Is that you? Mayor: (offstage left) No, Edna… it’s me. James: (offstage right) There’s a lady lying in the gutter. Who does she belong to? Thomas: (offstage right) Me. Leave her there. Nancy: (back of house) I got a lock of someone’s hair! Anna: (back of house) I wonder if it’s his! Theodore: (back of house) No it isn’t. And give me my hat! Tired Girls Sextet: (USBCMCh singing outside the MacAfee’s house) No. 15: We Love You, Conrad (Wounded Reprise) WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE… Margie: I’m tired, Ursula. Suzie: We’ve been here all night! Ursula: We promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand times, didn’t we? Well, we’ve got 5,276 to go. So sing! (Singing fades away.) Kim: Daddy, I wish you’d hurry. I want to have all this mess cleared away before Conrad comes in. Mr. MacA: This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfast. I intend to enjoy it. Mrs. MacAfee: Your father has a right to enjoy his eggs, Kim. (turns to him) I know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but Kim’s gone to a lot of trouble to fix a special breakfast for Mr. Birdie. After all he is a national figure and I want to show these New York people we know how to treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. (waits) Now if you’ll just hurry along… Mr. MacAfee: Mrs. MacAfee, I am not budging from this room until I get my coffee and read my paper! Mrs. MacAfee: Oh I’m sorry, dear. I didn’t have time to make your coffee this morning. How about a nice warm Seven-Up? (he sighs)

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Randolph: (enters) Morning, Pa. Here’s your paper. I hope you don’t mind but I cut out a few stories about Conrad. (grabs a big fruit off the table and leaves) Mr. MacAfee: (paper is full of holes) I have tried to run this house on a democratic basis. There has been no taxation without representation. (waits, no reaction) Last night I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as “Daddy-O.” Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept on a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace. Outside my window, a sextet of harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad 4,723 times. Well, the democracy is over! Parliament has been dissolved and Nero is back in town! And he doesn’t drink warm 7-Up! Albert: (enters) Oh, Mr. MacAfee! I hope you won’t mind keeping off the phone for a few minutes. We’re expecting a long-distance call from New York. Mr. MacAfee: Perfectly all right. I’ll go out and fiddle while Rome burns. (exits, Kim stares) Kim: (after he leaves) Mother, what’s wrong? Mrs. MacA: Nothing, dear. Your father’s just excited about Conrad’s being here, that’s all. Randolph: (runs back in) He’s coming! He’s coming! Kim: He’s coming! I’ll get the eggs! Mother, you call the kids! Mrs. MacAfee: Girls, he’s coming! You’d better hurry if you want to watch him eat! Ursula: (6 girls, Edna, and mothers enter) Mother! What are you doing here? Mrs. Merkle: I’m sorry, Doris, but we just had to come! We’ll stand quietly back here. Randolph: Here he is! (Conrad enters in bathrobe.) Eight girls: (quietly) OOOHHHH! (Conrad Grabs soda from Mrs. MacAfee, opens it, squirting everyone. Chugs it, hands can to Mrs. Merkle, who passes to Mrs. J., Mrs, W., then Mrs. MacAfee.) Conrad: Call me for lunch. (Mr. MacAfee enters as Birdie exits) Hey Daddy-O! Mr. MacAfee: Now look here, Doris. This cannot… Mrs. MacAfee: Please, Harry, he’s just shy… Edna: There’s room at my house, if you’d rather…. Mrs. Johnson: Well, if you ask me… Mr. MacAfee: Doris, Kim is only fifteen and I don’t want her… Kim: Please, Daddy. Not in front of everybody!

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Mrs. Merkle: Ursula, we’d better go! (girls and mothers sneak out) Mr. MacAfee: I don’t care who’s here. No lout with bad manners is going to stay here! Randolph: Tell ‘em, Pa! Mr. MacAfee: Zip it, Randolph. Mrs. MacAfee: Mr. MacAfee, that young man is our guest and… Mr. MacAfee: (to Kim) This is my house, and until you’re eighteen… Randolph: Pa… Mr. MacAfee: (stands up) I said enough! Until you’re eighteen… Randolph: But Pa… (Mr. MacAfee cuts him off with a “Dr. Evil” gesture.) Albert: Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kim! Randolph! Is this the way you want seventy-five million people Americans to see you? Mr. MacAfee: (turns, taken aback) What are you talking about? Albert: You’re all going to be on television with Conrad. Mr. MacAfee: On television? Albert: I just got the confirmation from New York. From Ed Sullivan himself. Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re going to be on the… (he can’t say it) Albert: Ed Sullivan Show. Mr. MacAfee: You mean we’re gonna get to meet… Albert: Ed Sullivan! They’re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this Sunday night at 8:05 and you’re all going to be on. That’s why I beg you to put aside your differences. To that great audience out there you’re an American dream come true. And for the free world’s sake, Mr. MacAfee, don’t destroy that dream! Mr. MacAfee: Me on the… Mrs. MacAfee: Ed Sullivan Show. No. 17: Hymn for a Sunday Evening (Ed Sullivan) Mr. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN. Me, Harry MacAfee appearing with… Add Mrs. MacAfee: ED SULLIVAN Add Kim: ED SULLIVAN Add Randolph: ED SULLIVAN Macafees & Angel Chorus: ED SULLIVAN, ED SULLIVAN, WE’RE GONNA BE ON ED SULLIVAN. AAHHHH. Mr. MacAfee: I’ve got a wonderful wife – two swell kids – a good job, and now this! All: SOMEDAY WE’LL RECALL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL, ED SULLIVAN.

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ACT 1, Scene 8 – Theatre Curtain Rosie: (leading him into the space) Well, this is it, Albert… what do you think? Albert: It looks great, Rose! Now there’s something I want to talk to you about… about… about you and I, Rose. Rosie: You and ME, English teacher. Albert: Being away from New York, Rose… has made me see things in a different light. I want you to know that I wrote Mama and… I’ve decided to give up the music business. Rosie: Really?! Albert: Yes, I wrote her days ago, and so far I haven’t heard a word! If you ask me, she’s accepted the whole thing by now. Mama (from the back of the auditorium): YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (they freeze and turn slowly, she enters) Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus…but what’s the difference? I’m only a mother and for a mother a bus is good enough! Albert: Mama! What are you doing here? (she mounts the stage) Mama: Did you think I wouldn’t come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? (wrings out letter) Pay no attention. It’s only a mother’s tears. (reads letter) “Dear Mama: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, Albert.” Dissolved? Dissolve me! I’m a sick old woman who probably won’t last the night. I just want a simple stone with one word carved on it. “Albert’s mother.” Albert: Mama! (sees Gloria entering from the front) Wow! Who is that? Mama: I can see you’re overwrought. And don’t worry about a new secretary. It so happens I met on the bus a perfect secretary. A wonderful, refined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her to get off here. Sonny… say hello to Gloria Rasputin. Gloria: Hi, Al! Hey, you’re cute! Albert: But Mama, I don’t need a secretary; I have Rosie! Mama: What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she’ll be getting social security. Gloria: Well, listen… I don’t just have secretary skills. Albert: You do… other things? Gloria: I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff and you would help me get into show business. Watch this! (she dances)

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Mama: Bravo! Bravo! Gloria: Well, do I get the job? Albert: I don’t know. I’m used to working with Rosie. However, we have a lot of extra work relating to the TV production this week… Mama: Sonny, why don’t you take Gloria somewhere and see how fast she types? Albert: Well, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. Gloria: Of course I can! Albert: Unless it makes any difference to you, Rosie. Rosie: (sarcastically) Why should it make any difference to me? Albert: Swell! You just keep working and I’ll go along with Miss Rasputin. (they exit) Rosie: I could kill him. I could just kill him. (she becomes upset) Hugo: (entering) Excuse me, Miss Alvarez, but I’m looking for Kim MacAfee. I just want to tell her that she is NOT to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does, I’ll… Miss Alvarez… is anything wrong? Miss Alvarez! It’s me! Hugo Peabody! Can I do anything for you, Miss Alvarez? Rosie: Yes, Hugo… I think you can. (she leads him offstage as the lights dim) No. 18: TV Theme (The stage transforms into the Ed Sullivan TV Show.) Ed Sullivan: So remember: Your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new Kodak! (applause) And now, the young man you’ve all been waiting to see. (screams) Mr. MacAfee: (stumbling up through the audience) Ed, I hear you! Where are you??? Ed Sullivan: As you know, in just about 14 hours, one of show business’ brightest talents is going off to play a very special engagement. And tonight, before he goes, he wants to leave a lucky young lady with One Last Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet Apple, Ohio where a typical American family, Mr. and Mrs. Harry Mashpee… Mr. MacAfee: (reaching the edge, dragging family) It’s MacAfee! Mr. Harry MacAfee! Sullivan: And their children, Kim and Rudolph… Randolph: Randolph! Sullivan: …are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier… Conrad Birdie!

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No. 19: One Last Kiss (screams) Conrad: OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. OH ONE MORE TIME, OH BABY ONE MORE TIME, IT REALLY IS SUBLIME, OH HONEY SO SUBLIME, YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, GIMME ONE MORE KISS, BAAAABY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS, OH ONE LAST KISS, OH GIMME ONE LAST KISS IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO NEVER FELT LIKE THIS YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH OH OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS. (cut mm. 32-72) All: ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS! ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH GIVE ME ONE LAST… Conrad: (to Kim) Brace yourself, kid! Hugo: Brace yourself, Conrad Birdie! (he aims for Conrad’s face) Conrad: (puts hands up) NOT THE HAIR! (Hugo punches Conrad in the stomach and Gloria catches him.) Kim: Hugo! You hit him! Hugo: He deserved it! He was a… thief of love! Kim: Hugo Peabody! I never want to speak to you again! (storms out) Albert: I demand to know who’s responsible for this! Who let that kid in here? Rosie: I did, Albert. Albert: Rosie! Rosie: It’s a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. (Gloria and Birdie leave) Albert: (chasing her down the stairs) Rosie, come back! You can’t leave me here alone! Rosie: You’re not alone, Albert. (pointing at the stage) You’re on television! Albert: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY All: FOR HE’S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY! [Lights BLACKOUT – End of Act I]

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ACT 2, Scene 1 – Kim’s Room Rosie: (looking in the mirror) That’s right! From now on it’s just going to be me, Rosie, on the town, making up for eight years of being in love with a Mamma-clutching, aspirinsplitting tower of Jello! Oh, Albert! Kim: Don’t be upset, Miss Alvarez. All men can’t be like that! Rosie: Every one of them! They’re all the same. From puberty to senility. From Benedict Arnold to Mussolini… Kim: Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez? Rosie: We go on! We live! Sip from the cup of life! Mix the potion and drain it to the dregs! No. 21: Duet (What Did I Ever See in Him) (beginning at m. 53) Rosie and Kim: DO WE NEED THEM? NO WE DON’T! DO WE WANT THEM? NO WE DON’T! Kim: WILL WE LEAVE THEM? Rosie: NO WE WON’T. TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? Rosie and Kim: WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM? HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE? TAKE IT FROM US, WE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN… Kim: Hugo F. Peabody! Rosie: What? Kim: Hugo! What did I ever see in him? Why, he’s as bad as Mr. Peterson if not worse! Miss Alvarez, I’m coming with you! Rosie: Kim, don’t be ridiculous! You’re only fifteen! Kim: Juliet was fourteen when she left home. Rosie: And look what happened to her! Look, Kim, why don’t you go have some milk and cookies and go to bed… (starts to walk downstairs to the kitchen and sits) Kim: It’s too late for cookies, Miss Alvarez! I want to live! We’ll sip the dregs together! We’ll help each other with our potions! (starts to pack, lights fade out on top)

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ACT 2, Scene 2 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) Conrad: (entering with Albert and Mama) For the last time, Albert, I’m okay and I don’t feel like sleeping. Now leave me alone. Mama: Conrad, dear, be reasonable! You’ve had a severe shock. (approaches him, takes his arm, and leads him to the table to sit down, fussing over him) Albert: The best thing you can do is get upstairs and… (sees Rosie) Aha! There she is! The traitor who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned! Rosie: (stands to defends herself with her suitcase) Get out of my way, Albert. Mama: Be careful, Sonny. She may be armed! Albert: I can handle this, Mama. You go upstairs with Conrad and see he gets into bed. Mama: Wait for me, Conrad. I’ll make you some Ovaltine. (follows him out) Rosie: Albert, I’m going tonight and I don’t want to waste another minute! Albert: Not until I’ve had my say, Rose. (looks defiant and happy) I just want to let you know that the kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning at the railroad station just before Conrad leaves. So it looks like you’ve failed, Rose. (stands up very straight and points up) …As anyone MUST fail who tries to beat Al Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry. (Continues to pantomime his greatness as Rosie sings.) No. 23: Reprise (What Did I Ever See in Him) Rosie: WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE? TAKE IT FROM ME, I’VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE! IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START: BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART. Albert: An Empire builder! A Colossus! King Kong! (growls and beats chest) Rosie: Out of my way, you ex English-teacher-to-be! (hits him with her bag) WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? (Rosie exits) Albert: (yelling out the door) Rosie, come back! Do you hear me? Rosie! I need you! Rosie, please come back! Rosie…

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ACT 2, Scene 3 – MacAfee’s House (kitchen) Albert: (family enters) And I don’t care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarez, you’re through here at Almaelou! You’re fired! Sorry to have to do this in front of you folks, but I’ve had to let Miss Alvarez go. (phone rings) I’ll get that. Mr. MacAfee: (a little too loudly. As he sits down) Probably Hong Kong again. Albert: Hello, this is Albert Peterson speaking. I’m sorry but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. That’s right… (stays on the phone and mimes a long phone call) Kim: (runs downstairs with many bags) Miss Alvarez! Wait for me! I’m coming! Mr. MacAfee: Where do you think you’re going, young lady? Kim: With Rosie! To drain deep the dregs and sip full-hearty the brimming cup. To live! I’m going to start by dying my hair! Mrs. MacAfee: You will do no such thing! Kim: It’s my hair! Mr. MacAfee: Not until you’re twenty-one, it’s not! Upstairs. Kim: But Daddy… Mr. MacAfee: Upstairs. Do you hear me? I said… upstairs. Kim: Miss Alvarez was right! You’re all the same. From puberty to Mussolini. (exits outside) Mr. MacAfee: What’s that? You dare say “puberty” in front of your own father? Mrs. MacAfee… we’ve failed as parents! I never asked much from my children. Just respect. A little respect. But did I get respect? I did not get respect. I get no respect. Randolph: I respect you, Pa. (Albert increases miming upset gestures on phone) Mr. MacAfee: I don’t want your respect. You’re a child. Mrs. MacAfee, take me upstairs. I’m not a well man. Certain words I didn’t want to hear in this house: puberty… (groans, exits) Albert: (finishing phone call) Now look here! I don’t care what rag you’re from. No smalltime reporter can bulldoze me! I happen to be Albert J. Peterson and you can print that in… what did you say your magazine is called again? Life? (hangs up) Rosie, I need you! (bolts) Mama: (from offstage) I’m coming Sonny!!! (appears) Albert! Where are you going? Albert: To look for Rosie, Mama. I love her and I want her back! Mama: Is that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, bring her back. When you get back, be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out of the oven and turn off the gas. Albert: Mama, it’s electric. And I’ve had enough of this! If you really loved me, you’d help! Mama: Oh, sonny, you’re right! I’ll help you find her. (they go out) Only maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first: he just says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think he’ll get back in time to kiss Kim tomorrow…

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ACT 2, Scene 4 – Outside MacAfee’s House Conrad: (entering) Take it easy! I’m coming… And before you start hollering, Albert, I just want you to know that I’ve made up my mind. I’m tired of getting up at 9am, having people watch me when I eat, and letting kids poke me in the eye. I want to have some fun! Meet a couple of girls! Don’t you understand, Albert. I am tense! Albert: You can’t go out without my permission! It says so in your contract! Mama, get the contract. It’s in my… never mind. I’ll get it myself. (goes back in, girls start to walk by) No. 24: A Lot of Livin’ to Do Conrad: THERE ARE CHICKS, JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSING, AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW! MAN, THOSE CHICKS DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING I GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! SIZZLING STEAKS ALL READY FOR TASTING, AND THERE’S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW. GOTTA MOVE, CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTING, THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO! Kim: THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY WHO ARE SUAVE AND RECKLESS AND TRUE! OLDER MEN, WHO’LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY I’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO PEOPLE TO SEE, EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME… (stops singing) Hey, you kids live here, don’t you? Harvey: Yes, Mr. Birdie. Conrad: What’s the lowdown on this town? Harvey: Sweet Apple, Ohio was founded in 1852 by Jeremiah S. Apple who… Conrad: I mean what do you DO here? Where do you go to have fun? Penelope: Well, there’s the community center, and the Country Store. Betty: …and the older kids go to the ice house. Conrad: What’s there? Betty: I don’t know. Ice, I guess.

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Kim: It just so happens, Mr. Birdie, that the ice house is where people go when they want to be alone. Conrad: Hey, ain’t you the girl I was supposed to kiss? Kim: I am a fully-grown woman and I insist on being treated as such. That’s why I’m leaving home. Conrad: Now you’re talking! Come on, let’s move! We got things to do! (Special dance at some point for Helen, Nancy, April, Deborah Sue, Anna, Eleanor) Boys: CRAZY CLOTHES AND MOTOR BOAT RACES Birdie and Girls: SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO Kim and Ursula: BROADWAY LIGHTS AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES All: THERE’S SUCH A LOT OF LIVING TO DO LOTS OF DATES AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU! LOOP THE LOOP AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW! MOONLIGHT SWIMS AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU, Yeah! YEAH WE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO WOW! Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY Kids: YOU KNOW IT Conrad: PLACES TO GO Kids: YOU KNOW IT! Conrad: PEOPLE TO SEE! EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME! All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO Mayor/Edna: Alice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight to bed! Mr./Mrs. Johnson: Harvey Johnson, I want you home this minute! Where are you darling? Mr./Mrs. Merkle: Do you hear me, Ursula? Mother’s calling you! Ursula! Conrad: THERE’S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO SEE EVERYTHING (Kids: Yeah!) FOR YOU AND ME. All: OH LIFE’S A BALL, IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT, AND IT’S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU! YOU’RE ALIVE! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! OH WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING WHAT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO. OOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Suzie: Isn’t this so incredibly exciting? Daphne: You said it! I can’t wait to Loop the Loop! Gigi: Neither can I! Lisa: Exactly what IS Loop the Loop? Gigi: I have no idea! But I can’t wait! Hugo: Robert! Have you seen Kim? Robert: Yeah! She went off with Conrad and a bunch of other kids. Monty: Hey Robert! Are you going to raise heck with the kids? Robert: Yeah… but I had to go home first. If my mom sees me without my sweater, she’ll kill me! Monty: Yeah… that’s why I’m late, too. Let’s go! Melanie: Motorboat Races! That sounds like sooooooo much fun! Nanette: Yeah! And they’ll be even MORE fun if we can find some water! Mr. MacAfee: Kim! Kim, where are you? Hugo, have you seen Kim? Hugo: Don’t ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie… Mr. MacAfee: What are you talking about? Hugo: They’re out together having moonlight swims and loop the loop! I’m going to do the only sensible thing, and drink myself to death! (He runs out.)

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ACT 2, Scene 5 – MacAfee House (outside) Mr. MacAfee: Moonlight swims… Loop the loop! (yells) Doris, get my gun! Albert: (runs onstage) Mr. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Conrad, have you? Mr. MacAfee: No, but I intend seeing him, Mr. Peterson. So if you have a message, I’ll be glad to deliver it right after I shoot him. Albert: Shoot him! Rosie! I’ve got to find Rosie! (exits, 4 housewives enter) Mrs. Ward: Harry MacAfee, what are you talking about? You know you don’t have a gun! Mr. MacAfee: There’s that Daisy Air Rifle in the garage. Randolph: (sarcastically, from offstage) That’s Randolph’s, dear. Mr. MacAfee: Shut up. I wonder where I can buy B-Bs this late at night… Mrs. MacAfee: Anyway, it’s broken, dear… Mr. MacAfee: Then get me anything! That bow and arrow I bought you for your birthday with the suction tips! Don’t just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop the loop with a fiend! Get me a water gun! Where’s Randolph? (Randolph enters dressed like Conrad.) No. 25: Kids Mr. MacAfee: KIDS, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY. KID, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? KIDS, THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT DISRESPECTFUL OAFS NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE SUBJECT KIDS, YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE.. Mr./Mrs. Johnson: KIDS, BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. Mr/ Mrs. Merkle: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY? Mr./Mrs. J and M: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? Ladies quartet singing: KIDS, (Mr. MacAfee: I don’t mind the moonlight swims; it’s the loop the loop that hurts.) KIDS, (Why don’t they lower the draft age… to about eleven?) KIDS, (I didn’t know what puberty was until I was almost past it!) Mrs. MacAfee: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL Mrs. Ward: KIDS, WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL Ladies Quartet: WHY CAN’T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID? Mr. MacAfee: WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAMMY KAYE? (music stops) Randolph: Pop, here’s my pea shooter! Mr. MacAfee: Perfect! Give it to me! Men and Housewives of SA: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? [Blackout]

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ACT 2, Scene 6 – Outside Fern’s Country Store Hugo: Miss Alvarez, my whole world is collapsing before me! No one in Fern’s will give me a drink and Kim’s run off with Conrad to the ice house. Rosie: Kim and Conrad! I’ve got to call Albert! Hugo, come with me! (exit into Fern’s) Dwight: (leading Albert, who is leading Mama) Here is it, sir. Fern’s Country Store. Albert: Here I come, Rosie! I told you I’d be right there! Hurry, Mama! Mama: I don’t know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place. (Dwight exits) Albert: Mama, I told you I’m not coming home until I find Rosie! Now if you want to leave, that’s okay with me. As a matter of fact, why don’t you go home, Mama. Mama: What did you say, sweetheart? Albert: I said, “Why don’t you go home, Mama?” Mama: Would you mind repeating that once more, dear? Albert: I said, “Go home, Mama.” I don’t need you anymore. Mama: So it’s here! The day I knew would come at last, has come at last! My sonnyboy doesn’t need me anymore. Well, what are you waiting for? (waits, no reaction) Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open so a hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a mother. (starts to leave, turns) And by the way, sweetheart, darling, I got some good news for you. I got the report from the hospital. It’s absolutely definite. I got a condition. (turns to assess whether he is listening) And the one thing doctors can’t cure is a condition. I don’t want you to worry, though. Fancy funerals are for rich people. I don’t want you to spend a cent. Just wail ‘til Mother’s Day, wrap me in a flag, and dump me in the river! (proceeds out) Albert: Goodnight, Mama. Mama: You’re just like your father! You’d marry anything! Goodnight, Sonnyboy! Albert: My name is not Sonnyboy! Mama: Goodniiiiiiiiiiiight…. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaalbert! (exits) No. 31: Instrumental Glory, Hallelujah

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ACT 2, Scene 7 – Outside Fern’s Country Store Dwight: (leading Mr. MacAfee) Here he is, sir. Right where I left him. Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and Kim? (Dwight runs out) Albert: (a new man) Ah, there, Mr. MacAfee! Unfortunately, I must tell you that Conrad’s affairs no longer interest me. I’m looking for Miss Alvarez now to tell her that… (stops suddenly) Did you say “Conrad and Kim”??? Mrs. MacAfee: They’ve run off together! Mr. MacAfee: And if we don’t find them soon, Mr. Peterson, I will call the FBI! Albert: I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about… Dwight: (running in, out of breath, leading Mrs. Merkle) Here they are, Mrs. Merkle. Mr. Merkle: Mrs. MacAfee! Mr. MacAfee! Have you seen Ursula? (Dwight staggers out) All: Ursula? Mrs. MacAfee: Is she missing, too? Mrs. Merkle: Since ten o’clock! I’ve looked everywhere! Mr. MacAfee: Mr. Peterson! Dwight: (appears, gasping, followed by parents, Mayor, Edna) Mrs. Johnson: Mrs. MacAfee, you haven’t seen Harvey, have you? Mothers: (adlib) And Melanie! And Monty! Albert: They’re probably all down at the library… maybe having one of those gang wars! (realizes what he said and exits, dragged out by Dwight) All: Gang wars!! No. 32: Kids Reprise All: KIDS! Mrs. Merkle: I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY All: KIDS! Mrs. Johnson: WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY Randolph: KIDS, THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS AND SO IMMATURE, I DON’T SEE WHY ANYBODY WANTS ‘EM. Mrs. MacAfee: JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE Randolph, Dwight, Jerry: KIDS, THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL Mrs, Ward: SOON YOU’LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE Randolph, Fred, Karl: KIDS, W/ THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES & THEIR ROCK & ROLL Edna: ANOTHER TEENAGE DELINQUENT, Randolph: WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS… TO…

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All: KIDS, WHAT THE DEVIL’S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY KIDS, WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY WHY CAN’T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT IN EVERY WAY Edna & Mrs. MacAfee: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS Randolph: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS All: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY! Hugo: (enters drunk from store) Hi, everybody! Good old Hugo here! Mrs. MacAfee: Hugo Peabody! What have you been drinking? Hugo: Milk. But it worked! Anyhow, I’ve got a perfect right to be drunk. My girl’s gone off with Conrad Birdie to… Rosie: (enters) Albert! Albert: (enters) Rosie! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you all night! I have good news for you, Rosie! I did it! I sent Mama home! I am a new man, Rose! Rosie: Albert, Conrad and Kim have gone to the ice house! Parents: (adlib) The ice house! Call the police! Conrad: (enters) Albert! Thank God you’re here! You gotta protect me! Albert: Protect you? From what? (screams from all corner of the stage and audience) Ursula: (entering with kids) Conrad! Lisa: We’re coming with you, Mr. Birdie! Do you mind if I call you Conrad? Conrad: Coming with me??? Fred: Yeah! We’ve got a lot of living to do! Betty: We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth! Clara: We’ll never go home again! Except for meals! Daphne: Nothing ever happened in Sweet Apple until you showed up! Eleanor: Yeah. It was kind of like The Music Man, but different! Nanette: We’ll never be bored again!!! Anna: Moonlight Swims! Roy: Motorboat races! Karl: Loop the loop! Roy: Does ANYONE know what Loop the loop is??? Vanessa: We’ll go to parties every weekend! Suzie: Just like in the 7th grade! Conrad: That stuff really ain’t as much fun as I made out… (Cop enters)

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Mr. MacAfee: There he is! The depraved brute! Arrest that man! (Boys all run out, afraid of the Sweet Apple Cop) (Each parent grabs two girls leaves; remaining few girls and Hugo and Kim stay with Birdie.) Cop: Well now, what have you got to say, Mr. Birdie? Conrad: (to cop) Help me. Cop: I’ll have to place you under arrest until this gets straightened out. Conrad: Finally, a normal person in this town. Cop: But first, can I have an autograph? (Cop takes Conrad out, quick change for last scene) (They are followed by remaining girls except for Kim and Hugo) Kim: Hugo! Hugo: Kim! Kim: Hugo, I still want to live, but not if it’s without my steady. (they exit) Albert: I’ve got to get Conrad out of jail. Rosie: Listen to me! You go back to the house and I’ll go down to the courthouse and try talking to the mayor… Albert: Rose, did you hear me? This is the new Albert! Now listen to ME. Pack and meet me and Conrad down at the station by 6:30am tomorrow morning. And bring the necessary legal papers, because I intend making you Mrs. Peterson by 2400 hours tomorrow! (runs out after Conrad to change for last scene) Rosie: Oh, Albert! Mama: YOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (enters, stops suddenly) Oh, hello, Rose. Rosie: Hello, Mae. (shaking hands politely) It’s so nice to see the woman who by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to call… Mama: Don’t say it! Rosie: Mother. Mama: The cruelest word I ever heard. I’d better go now. Goodbye, Rose. Rosie: Call me Mrs. Peterson. [Lights Blackout, 6 chimes]

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ACT 2, Scene 8 – Sweet Apple Railroad station (morning) Albert: There’s no one here! Come on… Conrad: (dressed like Rosie, in women’s clothes) Now look, Albert. Albert: Shut up and get on that train! It took every cent I had to bail you out, and I don’t want you seen until we’re out of this state! Now get aboard! Conrad: Wait a minute, buddy boy! You saved my life, and whether you pay me no guarantee or not… you got a contract with me forever. Albert: Conrad, what are you saying? Conrad: Here’s a blank piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. You just fill in whatever you want. (Albert reads the paper and gets very excited.) Mama: (appearing right behind him) Hello, Albert. Albert: (he freezes) Mama! Mama: (to Conrad) Rose, you look good for a change! (to Albert) I know all about you two. Don’t worry. I won’t make a fuss. (starts to lie down on the train tracks) I’ll do what any intelligent mother has to do. Albert: Mama, get up and get on that train! I have no time for any nonsense… Mr. MacAfee: (enters) Just a moment, Mr. Peterson. I demand to know what you’ve done with Mr. Birdie! He’s not in the jail! Albert: How should I know where he is? I haven’t seen him all night. I’m just down here to say goodbye to… Rosie. (Conrad opens soda which spews.) Conrad: (he sees Mr. MacAfee) Daddy-O! Mr. MacAfee: (shocked) Mr. Peterson! Mrs. MacAfee: Now there’s no point getting excited, dear! After all, there’s no real harm done. Kim and Hugo are back together again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened. He proposed to her this morning and she accepted. Mr. MacAfee: AHHHH!!! Mrs. MacAfee: Dear, what’s wrong? Mr. MacAfee: My life is over now. I’ll sell the house and go into a home. (they exit)

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Conrad: (escorting Mama) Yoo hoo! Albert, the train’s leaving! Get on! Albert: Bye, Conrad. Mama: Albert!!! Conrad: Albert, don’t leave me with your Mother!!!! (train whistles and pulls away) No. 38: We Love You, Conrad Reprise Offstage Girls: WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO. WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE’LL BE TRUE. WHEN YOU”RE NOT NEAR US, WE”RE BLUE. OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU. (train whistle) Rosie: (enters) Well, here I am, Albert. Six-thirty on the button. Where’s the train? Albert: It left at six-twenty-five… …with Conrad. …and Mama.

Rosie: Albert, you told me to be here at … … at six thirty sharp. I know because… Albert… you wanted to miss that train!

Albert: It stands to reason, Rose. (waits, no reaction) Why get on a train to New York when we’ve got tickets to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? Rosie: What’s in Pumpkin Falls, Iowa? Albert: An opening in the teaching staff of Pumpkin Falls Middle School. I read about it in this morning’s paper. And I hope you’ve brought your documents, Rose, because they prefer the applicant to be married. Rosie: You’re going to teach middle school! Oh, Albert! (they hug) No. X: Bye, Bye, Birdie Reprise All: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WE’RE GONNA MISS YOU SO, BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO? Sweet Apple Girls: NO MORE SUNSHINE - IT’S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY, Adults: THEY’LL CRY BIRDIE ‘TILL YOU’RE HOME TO STAY. Girls: I’LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE, AS THOUGH IT’S JUST FOR ME, AND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT I’LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY. Adults: BYE, BYE, BIRDIE, THAT TRAIN WILL TAKE YOU THERE, All: BYE, BYE BIRDIE, GUESS WE’LL ALWAYS CARE… Bows: JUST SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND PUT ON A HAPPY FACE!