Broad City

1.

BROAD CITY “Put It In, Coach”

COLD OPEN

FADE IN: EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY Abbi and Ilana walk through the park. They pass a litany of sports games in progress - slow pitch softball, street hockey, basketball, frisbee - all played by men. ILANA Have you ever noticed how homoerotic sports are? They all seem very... handsy. ABBI Blame it on the Ancient Greeks. They were all super repressed. I mean, they basically started the Olympics just to have an excuse for naked dudes to wrestle one another. ILANA They should bring that back. I would watch that. ABBI I would 100% watch that. The girls stop at a sno-cone cart. ABBI (CONT’D) (to vendor) Yeah, can I get a raspberry? I like the way it turns my tongue blue. ILANA And I’ll have a... cha-cha-cha so many choices. Ummm gimme a swirl. (MORE)

2. ILANA (CONT'D) Just pile it in there. As many colors as you can make it. VENDOR They’ll just blend together. Ilana ignores him. ILANA (to Abbi) There should be more naked sports. ABBI Swimming is close. They take their sno-cones and walk away. ILANA Yeah, but have you ever met a swimmer? They’re all gay. ABBI Nuh-uh. I dated that swimmer ILANA Steve, yeah, totally gay. I saw him at the Y and let’s just say he looked pretty pleased with half of the synchronized diving team in those weird group showers. ABBI Dammit. What about wrestling? ILANA Weirdly straight, for as much thighgrabbing as they do. ABBI Come on, they have to pop some awkward boners. Oh, and in those spandex unitards, too! Do you think the whole crowd notices? What’s the protocol there? ILANA Probably just ‘no homo’ and move on. ABBI Disappointing. What’s the most homoerotic sport then?

3. ILANA One - synchronized anything. Two football. Three ABBI You’ve put some thought into this. ILANA It’s one of my saved searches on pornhub. END OF COLD OPEN CUT TO: MAIN TITLES