Broad City: Weiner Bar

WEINER BAR

Speculative Script Written by Joshua Cazares

Address: (Redacted) Phone Number: (Maybe not) E-mail [email protected]

TEASER FADE IN: INT. ILANA’S BEDROOM - LATE AT NIGHT ILANA is staring at herself intensely in the mirror. ILANA ...good night arms, I love you. Good night elbows, I love you. Good night wrists, I love you. Good night palms, I love you. Good night fingers, I love you. I don’t love you thumb, because you’re technically not a finger. Good night shoulders, I love you. Good night neck, I love-Her phone goes off. ILANA (CONT’D) (answering annoyed) Hello?! INTERCUT WITH: EXT. ABBI’S BEDROOM - SAME ABBI is giggling as she closes the door behind her and leans up against the opposite wall. ABBI (into the phone) It happened. Ah! ILANA Oh no, I’m so sorry. Look, we’ll get through this. I’ll be over with some bleach and a bag of my hangnails. ABBI What?! No. It happened. With the guy from the gym. ILANA Are you drunk? ABBI Maybe. What are you wearing?

2. ILANA Uh, what do you think, dude? My nightie with no bottoms. ABBI Oh, right. Well, I just wanted to call you and let you know that this woman, right here, is about to get laid. Ilana... it’s been awhile. ILANA I know, girl. You talk about it constantly. Behind Abbi, BEVERS, her roommate’s disgusting boyfriend, slips into her room wearing no underwear and sporting a boner. He is sleepy. ABBI Finally, I found a guy who uses soap when he’s done peeing, overtips waiters, and doesn’t mind if I use the word “literally” incorrectly. ILANA That’s cute, but how’s the junk? ABBI I gotta tell you, tonight’s the night. I’m pulling out all the stops. Tonight, I may even let him knock on the back door, if you know what I mean. ILANA (a pause) I literally don’t. A shriek comes from Abbi’s room and a HALF-NAKED MAN stumbles out with Bevers following. HALF-NAKED MAN WHY DID YOU - ALL OVER THE BED! BEVERS (covering his boner) I get confused! Tell him, Abbi! I must’ve confused your closet for the toilet, like, fifty times! Abbi is fuming.

3. ABBI Did you just--? BEVERS Calm down, Abbs! Whenever my penis is standing on end, it’s hard to point and-HALF-NAKED MAN I GOTTA GO! He grabs his clothes and runs out. ABBI Y-Y-YOU STUPID SON-OF-A-The line goes dead as Ilana just shrugs and stares back into the mirror. ILANA (murmuring) Now, I gotta start all over again. (seriously) Good night hair, I love you. Good night eyes, I love you. Good night ears, I love you... FADE OUT. END OF TEASER

4. ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. CONVENIENT STORE - AFTERNOON Abbi and Ilana walk up to the refrigerated meals. ABBI I was up until five... dousing my sheets in kerosene, setting them on fire on my roof, and ordering some new ones online that should be available to pick up at Bed Bath and Beyond in about twenty-four hours. I don’t have this type of money! I was this close to selling his stupid X-Box on Craigslist for cash! It’s his fault! Like, why would you confuse my bedroom for the bathroom, my nightstand for a urinal, and my tampons for q-tips! ILANA You have access to your roof? ABBI That’s all you got out of that? ILANA I’m just trying to think ahead for this weekend! Picture this: Rooftop, jeggings, liquor, DJ, my ex’s karaoke system, you in that pretty blue dress, and about a hundred guys lining up to eat your pu--you know, I think I’m gonna go with the Hot Pocket. She grabs one and shuts the fridge door. ILANA (CONT’D) Ugh, this is off-brand. What does “forty-percent bread” mean? ABBI I kinda want to stay in this weekend. ILANA Dude. You can’t. We have Jaime’s thing, remember?

5. ABBI Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. When did he start doing drag? ILANA (thinking) You know, I really don’t remember. I think it was one night when we got high and I suggested he put on my underwear for some reason... or was that Lincoln... or was that my mother...? Abbi watches her intently, waiting for the answer. CUT TO: INT. ILANA’S WORK - LATER Ilana is on the phone. ILANA So, you tried to remove the waterpic first, right? Oh, and it’s still lodged in there? Okay, ma’am-ma’am, I’m gonna suggest something. Do you have something close to you that’s equally long that you can stuff in there to yank out the-DEREK, Ilana’s boss, is hovering over her and clears his throat. ILANA (CONT’D) (annoyed) --jesus, no privacy around here-(back to phone) No, no, no. I’ll remain on the line until help is on the way. (a pause) No, I’m not 911. I called you, remember? Derek hangs up the phone. ILANA (CONT’D) Derek, what’s wrong this time? DEREK First off, who was that?

6. ILANA I shouldn’t say. It was a client who’s already embarrassed enough as it is. DEREK You don’t have clients. This isn’t a call center. In fact, who’s phone is this? We didn’t give you one. ILANA Which is why I had to steal one from the Office Depot. DEREK Do you even know what your job is here? Ilana looks around. Everyone is staring at her. ILANA Graphic design...er earring... salesman. DEREK (walking away) Unbelievable. Ilana follows him. ILANA Derek, please, wait! Derek waits for an apology. ILANA (CONT’D) Can I slip out early? Really?!

DEREK

ILANA Hey, it’s not my fault! My roommate is doing drag for the first time in his life, and he’s really scared because he doesn’t know how to do lipstick and eye-liner yet, which-personally, between you and me, he looks better without it--but he needs to know that I’m there for him. You understand, right? This is a monumental moment in every gay boy’s life. Or do you hate the gays? (MORE)

7. ILANA (CONT'D) (gasps) When did you start hating gays? Is that why Eric didn’t get his twoweeks vacation this year? Oh, Eric. She turns to her co-worker, ERIC, who was minding his own business until now. ERIC Ilana, I’m not gay! I’ve told you that a million times. ILANA Wow... so brave... DEREK Quit calling people gay, Ilana. ILANA (sighing) I can’t be around this. This is... this is... I feel like this is Russia, and I’m Tilda Swinton, and you’re that Vladmir Putin buttplug that’s floating around on the internet. She leaves. CUT TO: INT. ABBI’S WORK - RESTROOM - LATER Abbi lifts her shirt and looks into the mirror. She turns from side to side, watching herself from all angles. When her phone rings, she answers it, still examining herself. ABBI Hey, why is it from certain angles I look like a mother of two, but from behind-(turns around) --I look like a sassy Emma Watson. INTERCUT WITH: INT. JEREMY’S APARTMENT - SAME Jeremy is on the other line. JEREMY Huh, I always thought a jewish Elizabeth Shue.

8. Abbi is embarrassed. ABBI Jeremy! I thought it was... Elizabeth Shue? Like, Back to the Future II or Hollow Man? Don’t answer that. What are you doing? How’d you get my number? JEREMY Well, your friend invited me out to that drag night and I wanted-ABBI Is tonight good for you? We can do another night. JEREMY (a pause) ...to let you know I couldn’t make it. Several women walk into the restroom, so Abbi pulls down her shirt and slips into a stall. ABBI Oh, no, why? JEREMY I actually have a thing with someone I met. Online. Not in a weird way. I’ve never done it before. But, anyway, thank you so much for the invite. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there-ABBI Well, that’s cool. You can just bring her later! JEREMY What? Really? ABBI Yeah. We go all the time. There’s drinks. It’s a club. With dancing! Lots of dancing! And a bunch of people. So, it’ll be fun for the family. Or girlfriends! (smacks her forehead) If you think of her like... a friend... who’s a girl.

9. JEREMY Thanks! Yeah, maybe we’ll stop by. They hang up. Abbi stands up and exits the stall. Several older women are watching her pitifully. ABBI Hey! It’s his loss! The toilet from the stall she exited immediately bursts and water shoots up, hitting the ceiling. One woman faints on Abbi. CUT TO: INT. ABBI’S WORK - GYM - SECONDS LATER Abbi steps out of the bathroom dripping wet when her boss, TREY, lunges by. TREY Abbi, did you hear about the--? I’m on it!

ABBI

TREY Whoa, Abbi, that’s not a great smell. Are you still eating red meats? ABBI That smell isn’t me, Trey. TREY Hey, I understand. I just put down this amazing book called “You, Your Diet, Your Dog, Your Life.” Jessica Twatworthy admits that every time she consumed the most unhealthiest foods, she would throw it back up immediately. If one of my dearest friends was bulimic-ABBI A toilet busted and it got all over me! Two of the women from the bathroom shimmy by carrying their friend.

10. WOMAN (to Trey) Don’t mind her. She just invited a guy she likes to a gay club. ABBI How did you--? TREY Abbi, that’s really progressive, I feel like? ABBI I just want to--please, kill me-TREY Oh my gee, Abbi, I don’t hate the gays. The gays are my friends. They come in here all the time and compliment me whenever I step out of the shower or out of the sauna. You know, anything that happens in the showers... it’s just natural. We’re all people living on a spectrum of human--I can’t get into it with you, Abbi. They need your support like you need a new diet. Props to you. And to women! I’m here for you. What do you need? A power walk buddy? I can’t do it before six in the morning because my roommate and I workout at that time. He’s got such a nice body. You know, he didn’t know how to squats before I showed him? He’s so funny. I always run into him in our bathroom while I’m taking a bath. He sometimes hides the towels so I can’t find them and then makes me run around the apartment naked looking for them! Some dudes are just really cool. Maybe you’ll meet him one day. He’s so cool, I don’t know why he’s still single. Abbi is overwhelmed while they hear another old woman slip in the bathroom. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

11. ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. ABBI’S LIVING ROOM - LATER Ilana is waiting in the living room with LINCOLN. LINCOLN You know, I don’t wanna be that guy, but isn’t it a little weird that you’re wearing that? He points out Ilana’s outfit which is a muscle-T, baggy pants, topped with cornrows. ILANA Lincoln, I feel like you’re not letting me be who I am... and I feel like these are too tight... Abbi enters. She’s wearing her fabulous blue dress with her hair done beautifully. ABBI Alright, I’m ready. ILANA AND LINCOLN Dang, girl! ABBI Let’s fucking do this. CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - THAT NIGHT The gay bar is in full swing when Abbi, Ilana, and Lincoln roll in. Ilana spots JAIME at the bar in full drag. ILANA Okay, ladies, tonight... it’s all about the taped-up balls. They head over to Jaime who greets them with drinks. JAIME Ay, I’m so nervous. You think I’ll be any good? ILANA You’ve been working on that Liza impression for a month. Now, let’s see it.

12. Jaime starts rolling his shoulders and laughing about nothing. In his horrible Liza Minelli impression: JAIME You call this potato salad?! Where are the eggs?! Abbi and Lincoln exchange glances. ABBI So... what are you lip syncing? JAIME “Cabaret,” of course! Abbi keeps her eyes on the door. ILANA (sincerely) You know, the water’s never gonna boil if you keep on watching it. ABBI (rolling her eyes) I’m gonna go pee. As she leaves, Ilana starts talking to Lincoln. ILANA Lincoln, I understand that some heterosexual men may feel a little uncomfortable in gay-He’s not there. She searches the room and finds him dancing shirtless with some men. CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - BATHROOM - SECONDS LATER Abbi exits a stall and sees a GAY MAN washing his hands. ABBI Oh, I thought this was the girl’s bathroom... GAY MAN It is. So what are you doing in here? The large black DRAG QUEEN in a floral print dress at the urinal twists around her upper body, dips, and snaps her fingers.

13.

OH, SNAP!

DRAG QUEEN

She goes back to peeing. Abbi laughs and starts washing her hands. GAY MAN I’m Darrell. You’re name must be... Lolly Jugs. ABBI What? I’m not a man. DRAG QUEEN (zipping up) Oh, honey, none of us are. (winks) I’m Petra Von Kunt, and yes, this dress was my mother’s. Um... your hair is... ABBI It’s cute, right? Darrell and Petra grimace. DARRELL Did you see the gum back here? Abbi looks in the mirror and sees it stuck in there. ABBI What?! That wasn’t there when I left! DARRELL There’s only one bitch who could’ve done this. Someone... who eats a lot of cum. Gum.

PETRA

DARRELL What’d I say? ABBI Can you help me with this?! I’m supposed to be seducing the boy across the hall tonight who’s bringing his stupid date! I can’t go out there looking like this! Petra slaps her and grabs her shoulders.

14. PETRA NOW, LISTEN TO ME, LOLLY! We have all fought for second place in someone’s life. I did when I was thirteen and my father got inappropriate with my sister and not me! Darrell did when his boyfriend’s ex’s fat brother tried stealing the mic from him during their dog’s birthing reception! And now, you are! This is your chance to blow him out of the water... and then surprise him. All you need is a wig... some lipstick... a browlift... lashes... eye-shadow, earrings, lip-liner, blush, silicone tits... maybe a corset. Would you be willing to climb into some higher heels? From this angle I can see your chin. DARRELL Both of them. Maybe some body makeup? PETRA I’ve got just the thing, sugar. They pull her out of the restroom. CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - SAME TIME Ilana is sitting with some lesbians. She turns to the one closest to her and bats her eyes. The woman is confused. ILANA If I weren’t straight, I’d be all over you, girl. The woman turns to her friends kinda grossed out. ILANA (CONT’D) Nah, nah, nah. They ain’t here. It’s just me and you. This beer. This bar. This table. This chair. Your chair. Her chair. These ‘rows... Let me ask you something. Where’d you get your nails did? They look fabulous. Wait, are you really a woman? Quick, where’e the g-spot located? (MORE)

15. ILANA (CONT’D) Nah, you took too much time. You’re not a woman... damn good make-up though. Jaime stumbles up to Ilana. JAIME Oh, my god, Ilana! I was in the backroom, getting a facial, and I look up, and who do I see?! ILANA Please, tell me a Harvard man... JAIME No, Ilana! Look! They both turn around to see Abbi slow-motion walking down the stairs from the back. She looks gorgeous, with a wig about six inches higher from her head, her five inches heels, her make-up dragged-out, and absurdly long, glittered nails. She bats her eyes at some gay men and continues cat-walking up to Ilana and Jaime. ABBI Hello, ladies. You’re looking at... Lolly Jugs. ILANA Um... first off, is that real hair? It’s gorgeous. Secondly, what are you doing? ABBI Oh, I’m just having a little fun. Some of the girls hooked me. JAIME Ay, now I’m gonna have some major competition in the show. ABBI What? Oh, no, no, no, don’t worry. I’m not performing. I wouldn’t even know what I would sing. (mumbling) I’m lying. Yes, I do. I’d sing Gladys Knight. JAIME Psh. I would at least try. Whoever places first gets one thousand dollars.

16. Ilana and Abbi exchange glances. ILANA It looks like Lolly Jugs is performing after all. ABBI No, no, no, no, no, no! I’m not even a man. A couple of gay men walk by, and one grabs her on the ass. GAY MAN Hey, cutie. ABBI (after him) MISOGYNY, SIR! THAT IS MISOGYNY! ILANA WHAT A PIG! Lincoln, in the background, starts laughing hysterically with several of the men he’s dancing with, trying to get Ilana’s attention. LINCOLN (over the music) ILANA! THEY HAVE ACID! YOU WANT ONE?! ILANA Would it be so bad? ABBI Yes! I’m supposed to meet up with Jeremy-ILANA --and his date-ABBI --later... Okay, I get it. If we do this, you gotta have my back. I can’t imagine what Petra Von Kunt would do to me if she found out I was really a woman. ILANA Please! Kathy Griffin does it every day! END OF ACT TWO

17. ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. WEINER BAR - LATER Abbi is on stage ready to sing her rendition of Gladys Knights’ “If I Were Your Woman” to the entire club. Ilana, Jaime, and Petra Von Kunt are her Pips. All are leaning to and fro, ready to jump into it. [Music starts.] ABBI (lip syncing, crouching) If I were your woman And you were my man You'd have no other woman You'd be weak as a lamb If you had the strength To walk out that door My love would overrule my sense And I'd call you back for more At this moment, Jeremy arrives with his date. He sees Abbi on stage, and she gets more into it, singing directly to him. ABBI (CONT’D) (stepping off the stage slowly) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) And you were my man Abbi splits the audience and marches right up to Jeremy and starts singing, indicating his date in the song. ABBI (CONT’D) (thrashing around)

Yeah She tears you down darling Says you're nothing at all But I'll pick you up Darling When she lets you fall You're like a diamond And she treats you like glass Yet you beg her to love you With me you don't ask If I were your woman (MORE)

18. ABBI (CONT’D) (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) Here's what I'd do I'd never no, no, no stop loving you Abbi has officially won over Jeremy. He picks her up in his arms and kisses her deeply. Abbi pulls from his grasp and leads him up the stage. ABBI (CONT’D) (thrashing around)

Yeah Life is so crazy And love is unkind Because she came first darling Will she hang on your mind You're a part of me And you don't even know it I'm what you need But I'm too afraid to show it If I were your woman (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) If I were your woman (If you were my woman) Here's what I'd do I'd never, never, never stop loving you If I were your woman (If you were my woman) Here's what I'd do I'd never, never, never stop loving you Abbi and Jeremy kiss deeply again. Petra Von Kunt and Ilana are hanging onto each other. The moment is beautiful as the sea of gays cheer them on. [Music fades.] CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - BACKSTAGE - EARLIER Ilana is passing Abbi a pipe to smoke.

19. ILANA Abbi... Abbi...? Hello? You there? Abbi emerges from her dream sequence. ABBI What? What’s up? ILANA You’ve been taking deep hits. Are you okay to sing? ABBI Oh, I’m ready. I’m more than ready, bitch--I’m pumped! ILANA There she is! You ready to rip the Pips off of Gladys?! ABBI I’m super-duper kinda ready! I’m doing this for women! For me! For me and Jeremy, dude! For Gladysfriggin-Knight! ILANA For a thousand dollars--! ABBI FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS! Abbi turns and runs towards the stage, stumbling. CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - DANCE FLOOR - SAME TIME Jeremy arrives with his date, a beautiful woman named, HEATHER. JEREMY I know this is a little unorthodox for a first date, but I promised a friend I’d come for their thing. HEATHER You’re friends with drag queens? JEREMY No. They’re around here somewhere. As he turns away, Petra Von Kunt takes the stage and starts introducing the next performer, Abbi.

20. Abbi soon sashays past Petra, grabs her mic and wires, and starts leaning back and forth to the song as it starts. When she spots Jeremy, she starts moving to the edge of the stage faster than her heels can carry her, and she soon charges off the stage, falling into the crowd of men. Jeremy turns around to see the commotion. Somewhere in the crowd, Lincoln is just trying to sway to Gladys Knight. Petra, completely pissed, charges after Abbi and starts yanking on the wires, making Ilana think Abbi is being attacked. No sooner does she think this, Ilana storms after Petra and jumps on her back from behind. The whole show is a mess. Meanwhile, Abbi’s wig has fallen and her dress has hiked up. Darrell looks down and gasps. DARRELL What a cheat! She’s a woman! ABBI (half-slurring) I prefer queen! CUT TO: EXT. WEINER BAR - LATER Abbi and Ilana are leaning up against the wall on the sidewalk. Neither is talking. Some men walk by and spit their way, prompting Ilana to open her mouth, until Abbi stops her. ABBI What’s the point. We ruined their night. ILANA I mean, this may be the dumbest thing we’ve done. ABBI And for what? For money. For glory. For love. I know exactly how Ike Turner feels. Too soon.

ILANA

They laugh. ILANA (CONT’D) I’m sorry I invited Jeremy along.

21. ABBI It’s okay. I gotta stop chasing dudes who won’t chase me back. It’s elementary school all over again. ILANA How about, from now on, we agree that when the other’s head gets too big, we keep them in check? We say, Abbi, that blue dress makes you pretty, but does nothing for your boobs. Abbi glances at Ilana. ABBI Your scalp is bleeding. Oh, shit.

ILANA

Ilana tries to lift her hand up to feel, but she can’t; she’s handcuffed. And so is Abbi. Dammit.

ILANA (CONT’D)

ABBI Of all the drag queens in New York, you had to attack the most litigious one? ILANA I don’t know what that means! ABBI It means she likes to start lawsuits. ILANA Oh... I do know what that means. (to cops) Excuse me, but can we get these taken off, please? The police officers standing off to the side collecting statements ignore them. ABBI We’re really sorry, but I really don’t think that swindling our way through a drag show for some cash warrants anything above a misdemeanor...?

22. A discombobulated Petra beelines through the policemen and stops at Abbi. PETRA Oh, I’d love to give you a hand, Abbi. But your friend assaulted an officer of the law. She pulls out a badge and shows the two. ILANA What were you even doing in there? I mean, not to point fingers or anything, but I’m pretty sure being gay is not a crime. This is America. Go back to Ugan--... I mean... um... where are you from? Brooklyn? You look rich, maybe Manhattan? ABBI Wait, you said something about your father being a pedophile? Do you wanna talk or...? Petra rolls her eyes. PETRA Not that it’s any of your business, but I was actually working a case. Apparently, someone’s been trading nitrous oxide off for acid. ILANA You mean laughing gas? We could’ve gotten high off laughing gas? Who would do that? Abbi’s eyes grow wide. She knows. CUT TO: INT. WEINER BAR - DANCE FLOOR A group of men are laughing heartily for no reason as Lincoln continues to dance underneath the laser lights. They start chanting his name as he continues to fist-pump to Gladys Knight. FADE OUT. END OF ACT THREE

23. TAG FADE IN: INT. WEINER BAR - BACKSTAGE - EARLIER Petra and Darrell are dressing up Abbi. Ilana is looking deep into the mirror. ILANA I’m starting to think... maybe the cornrows were overkill. Ya think?

ABBI

Trey passes by and Abbi catches his eye. Abbi?

TREY

ABBI Oh, hey... you come here? TREY No, my roommate does. He points out a very tall drag queen. TREY (CONT’D) You know what I always say, Abbi. TREY (CONT’D) Live your truth. (re: Abbi) What was that?

You’re gay.

ABBI

Ilana sidles up next to Petra. ILANA So... do you... you know... stuff your penis up your butt? PETRA (annoyed) That’s not how you tuck it. ILANA Oh, no, I meant regularly. FADE TO BLACK. END OF TAG