Broad City - "New Jobs"

July 14, 2017 | Author: Corey Tate | Category: Leisure, Foods
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An episode of Comedy Central's "Broad City", written by Corey Tate....


“New Jobs” By Corey Tate

Corey Tate [email protected].com


COLD OPEN INT. SOULSTICE GYM BATHROOM – AFTERNOON ABBI is cleaning a really disgusting toilet. ABBI Oh my God. ABBI holds her nose and gags. ABBI (Increasingly frustrated) Okay, nope. Not even gonna do it. NOT. EVEN. GONNA. DO. IT. INT. DEALS.COM OFFICE – SAME TIME ILANA is sitting at her desk. ILANA’s boss, TODD, walks through the office and gives the team a pep talk. TODD Okay guys, let’s make some deals happen. DEALS, DEALS, DEALS! Because, what do we do? All the employees, except ILANA, answer at the same time, in a team-like manner. EMPLOYEES We make deals! TODD You got it! ILANA (Whispers to self) Are you kidding me? ILANA continues doing work on her computer. Suddenly, she has a vivid day dream.

CUT TO: ILANA’S DREAM ILANA is sitting at her desk. She’s 80 years old now. And so is everyone else in the office. It looks like the office has been staffed by a nursing home. The same scenario replays. ILANA’s boss, Todd, is wheeled in on a hospital bed by nurses, hooked up to a breathing machine. TODD (Talking slow) Okay guys... Let’s. Make. Deals. Happen. DEALS...DEALS...DEALS. Because (Really nasty cough) What do we do? Once again, all the employees answer in a team-like manner. This time, ILANA participates because she’s given up hope. EMPLOYEES (Old and slow) We. Make. Deals. TODD You got it. Immediately after Todd responds, His breathing machine flatlines and he dies. ILANA wakes up from her daydream. It was an epiphany to find a better job. ILANA goes to the bathroom, occupies a stall and calls ABBI. ABBI is still frustrated with the toilet. She picks up the phone, holding her nose. Split screen conversation. ABBI Dude, I’m so over this day. No, I’m over my life! I need to get out of this gym, before I go crazy! ILANA Tell me about it. If I hear Todd talk about making deals one more time. Ugh.

ABBI Ilana, what we need to do, is find new jobs. We’re better than this! We’re young. And smart. And talented! The world needs to witness our potential! ILANA (Pumped up) Yas queen, yas! I feel you harder than a big fat donkey dick. ABBI It’s like check yourself, before you wreck yourself, ya know? ILANA looks confused. ILANA Uhhh... ABBI Just meet me at my place later. We’re getting new jobs. The call ends. ABBI looks at the toilet with disgust and talks to it. ABBI You smell like shit. INT. SOULSTICE GYM FRONT DESK – MOMENTS LATER ABBI approaches her boss, TREY, with hostility. TREY doesn’t sense it. TREY Abbi! There you are. Did you handle that situation? ABBI Oh, I handled it. I HANDLED IT, ALRIGHT! TREY takes ABBI’s screaming as enthusiasm. TREY Oh, thank you Abbi.

TREY bows to ABBI. ABBI Okay, enough! ABBI hands TREY the cleaning brush. TREY What’s this, Abbi? ABBI Something for you to go FUCK yourself with! ABBI storms away from TREY. TREY Come on Abbi, it doesn’t have to be like this. TREY smells the brush and gags. INT. DEALS.COM OFFICE – SAME TIME ILANA visits TODD’s desk. TODD is eating a bagel and looks confused, as to why ILANA is standing there. TODD Ilana? You need help with something? Why aren’t you making deals? ILANA Todd, Todd, Todd. It’s been nice knowin’ ya, man. TODD Huh? What are you talking about, Ilana? ILANA stares off into space as she’s giving a dramatic speech. Dramatic music is playing. ILANA Well you see, Todd, there comes a time when...every baby bird, must muster up the courage to leave the nest. When...every lion cub must hunt for their own food. When...every caterpillar must transform into a butterfly. Soar little Butterfly. You’re freeeee.

The music stops. TODD looks even more confused now. TODD What does any of this have to do with making deals? ILANA Um, I quit. That’s basically what I was trying to say. ILANA picks up TODD’s bagel, takes a bite and walks away. TODD calls out to ILANA. TODD Ilana, can I have my bagel back? The bagel is seen being thrown back at TODD. Upon leaving, ILANA goes to clean out her desk. As she’s putting her things in a box, ILANA’s nemesis, NICOLE wonders why she’s packing. NICOLE What happened? Did Todd finally get the balls to fire you? Please tell me he did. PLEASE! ILANA walks over to NICOLE’s desk. NICOLE has a lit candle on her desk, along with a teddy bear and other weird things. ILANA Um, ACTUALLY, I just quit. This place can go suck it. NICOLE raises her hands to the sky and does a “Thank God” gesture. NICOLE puts her hands back down. Smoke is seen coming from her hair. ILANA I also thought you should know… NICOLE Oh, more good news? Come on, make my day.

ILANA Your hair is on fire. NICOLE jumps up and freaks out. ILANA laughs and starts singing Wyclef Jean’s “911”. ILANA Someone please call nine-one-ooone. TODD comes over and douses NICOLE with a fire extinguisher. NICOLE is now covered in white frost. ILANA is laughing hysterically. ILANA Hahaha! Peace bitch. ILANA throws up a peace sign and exits. INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT – LATER ABBI and ILANA are on their laptops, constructing resumes and smoking pot through their vaporizers. ABBI (Sigh) Dude, I don’t even know where to start. ILANA Abbi, relax babygirl. We got this. First, need to write cover letters. ABBI Okay, how about this? (Starts typing) Dear company, please hire me. I don’t want to continually clean poop. ILANA takes a hit from her vape smoker and blows out the smoke. ILANA Dear company, are you lookin’ for a boss-ass-bitch? Well, look no further, bruh. ABBI Dude, this is not working out. We need backup.

ILANA You’re right. Who can we call, that has their shit together? ABBI & ILANA (Together) LINCOLN! ILANA grabs her phone and calls LINCLON. She puts it on speaker, so ABBI can also talk. LINCOLN answers. He’s at home, in the middle of researching recipes for The Al De Dentist blog. The conversation is taking place split screen. LINCOLN Ilana! Hey! Which pasta should I make next? Peanut Butter Pasta Salad Or Creamy Spinach Tortellini? ABBI Fuck! They both sound so good! ILANA God. I’m Hungry. ABBI and ILANA are so high, that they begin to space out. Cut back and forth between ABBI and ILANA. Food is seen rotating around their heads. Burgers, Pizza, Tacos, Ice Cream. This occurs for about 10 seconds. LINCON Uh, hello? ILANA Oh. Lincoln, we need your help. Me and Abbi are making resumes for new jobs. And we have no clue where to start. LINCOLN Oh, that’s easy Ilana. I can help you with that.

ILANA Perfect. LINCOLN But I should mention, there’s an opening at my office for a receptionist. It’s yours if you want it. I mean, it could be the perfect thing. We can get stoned and eat Doritos on our lunch break. We could bone in the bathroom. I could show you inexpensive, makeshift methods, for filling in your own cavities. ILANA Lincoln, are you shitting me? Yes! Yes! I want it! LINCOLN Cool. You can start tomorrow at 9am. I’ll bring the Doritos. ILANA screams in excitement then hangs up the phone. ABBI feels bummed out. ABBI’s roommate BEVERS, enters ABBI’S room. He’s eating a sandwich. Mayo is on his beard. He was eavesdropping the whole time. BEVERS Abbi, I may or may not have been eavesdropping but... ABBI interrupts BEVERS. ABBI Oh my God, Bevers! NOW IS NOT THE TIME! ANY OTHER TIME, I PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT, BUT NOT TODAY! BEVERS Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill, Abs! BEVERS takes a bite of his sandwich.

BEVERS (cont’d) I overheard you were looking for a job. Maybe I can help. ABBI Bevers, do YOU even have a job? Like, what do you do all day? BEVERS reaches for ABBI’s laptop. BEVERS (cont’d) May I? ABBI May as well. You help yourself to everything else. BEVERS enters a web address on ABBI’s laptop, and hands it back to her. CLOSE UP on the computer screen. It’s a picture of BEVERS, smiling, holding loads of cash in one hand and a donut in the other. BEVERS sings out loud. BEVERS (cont’d) Money, money, money, monaaaay. (Laughs) It’s my internet business, silly. What do you think I do all day? I’m a businessman. ABBI OH MY GOD, BEVERS. THAT IS CRAZY! BEVERS Right? I decided a long time ago, that I didn’t wanna work for anyone else, so I started my own business. ILANA’s mouth drops as she looks at ABBI.

ILANA Omg, dude. Why have WE never thought of that? We’re just two worker bees, workin’ for the man. BEVERS Anyway, I came in here to tell you, that my assistant quit today. and I’m lookin’ for someone to replace her. It’s an easy job and it pays a nifty two-fifty buckaroonies. ABBI Two-hundred-fifty dollars a day? ILANA D-zam! ABBI You have an assistant? Who are you? Bill Gates? BEVERS assistant. And please...don’t bring up Bill’s name. Last time we had lunch, it did NOT end so well. ILANA Who the fuck ARE you?! ABBI Bevers! Yes! I’ll be your assistant! When can I start? BEVERS Tomorrow. ABBI What time? BEVERS Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ll just call ya, when I need ya. ABBI Bevers, thank you so much. Like, you don’t even know how much this helps.

BEVERS Pleasure’s all my mine, Aba-dab-dab. BEVERS exits the room. ABBI Oh my god, Ilana! We’re a couple of boss-ass bitches! We came. We saw. ILANA We muthafuckin’ conquered! Gimme some! ILANA and ABBI hi-five then begin celebrating by jumping up and down in slow motion, smoking vape, dancing, and having a pillow fight. Feathers are flying, excitement is on their faces and techno music is playing in background. This occurs for about 10 seconds. INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM – NEXT MORNING ABBI and ILANA are sleep and covered in feathers from the night before. An alarm goes off. It’s 8:30am. A visual flashback occurs to ILANA of LINCOLN saying the line, “You can start tomorrow at 9am”. ILANA Oh shit! ILANA jumps up, grabs her things and hurries out. INT. – ABBI’S KITCHEN – MORNING BEVERS is in the kitchen, looking in the fridge. He’s shirtless and scratching his butt. He yells out to ABBI but in a polite, but pestering manner. BEVERS ABBIIIIIII! ABBIIIIIII! ABBI wakes up annoyed and yells back. ABBI WHAT, BEVERS?

BEVERS Ab, I’m all out of my special drink. Usually, I send my assistant to the store. ABBI replies. Still annoyed but agreeable. ABBI Okay! I’ll be up in a sec! INT. ABBI’S LIVINGROOM – MINUTES LATER ABBI enters, fully dressed and ready to go. BEVERS is sitting on the couch, playing video games. BEVERS Hey, Ab. I left a note on the fridge with specific instructions on getting my special drink. ABBI Bevers, what exactly IS your special drink? BEVERS Duh, silly. Chocolate milk. ABBI walks over CLOSE UP on the It’s written in Marty’s Bodega. Ask for Raul.

to the fridge and grabs the note. note. red crayon and says, Brooklyn.

ABBI whispers to herself. ABBI Seriously, dude? Brooklyn? ABBI grabs the note and walks out the door.

INT. LINCLON’S OFFICE – MORNING ILANA is at the receptionist desk on a phone call. ILANA Okay, what time would you like to come in? ILANA jots down the info as she’s talking. ILANA (cont’d) Perfect. Okay. See you soon. ILANA hangs up the phone. ILANA Damn, this is easy. Makin’. That. Mula. A woman enters the office. ILANA Hi, can I help you? WOMAN I here for my appointment. ILANA Okay, what’s your name? WOMAN Mrs. Smith CLOSE UP on the woman’s teeth. They are JACKED! Yellow, brown, green, different shapes and sizes. ILANA’s eyes get wide as she becomes freaked out. LINCLON comes out of his office and interrupts. LINCLON Oh, Mrs. Smith, you made it. Go right in and have a seat. I’ll be right with you. The WOMAN enters LINCOLN’s office.

ILANA Oh. My. God. LINCLON That’s the dentist business, Ilana. People aren’t born with perfect teeth. And that’s why they come to the Luminous Lincoln! LINCLON puts on a pair of latex gloves and does a superhero-like stance. LINCLON Cover me! I’m going in. INT. MARTY’S BODEGA – MORNING ABBI arrives to the bodega in a cab. She walks in, spots the cashier and walks over. ABBI Hi, I’m looking for Raual. The CASHIER doesn’t say anything, but points to the back of the store. There’s a black curtain. ABBI timidly walks to the back of the store, and enters behind the curtain. The room is pitch black. ABBI Um...Raual? Raul? Suddenly, a light comes on. ABBI jumps as RAUAL appears. An old Asian guy. RAUAL I’ve been expecting you. Matty Bevers said you were coming. RAUAL pulls away a sheet-like covering and unveils a case full of gold bottles. A heaven-like sound effect is heard.

ABBI Oh my God. What is that? RAUAL Specially imported chocolate milk from Belgium. Specifically made for Matty Bevers. ABBI What the fuck. Bevers is like some kind of secret God. RAUAL I cannot deny nor confirm that. ABBI grabs the case of chocolate milk and prepares to leave. ABBI Okay, this is getting weird, so...I’m gonna go. ABBI slowly backs out of the room. INT. LINCOLN’S OFFICE – STILL MORNING BUT LATER Ilana is playing Tetris on her computer. LINCOLN and the WOMAN from earlier, exit LINCOLN’S office. LINCOLN is giving her teeth care instructions. LICOLN Okay, Mrs. Smith, don’t drink any dark liquids for 48 hours. I’ll see you soon. WOMAN Thank you, Lincoln. Upon leaving, the WOMAN smiles big and bright. Her teeth look brand new. ILANA Whoooa. LINCOLN That’s why I’m the man, Ilana. Now when you see those teeth, you don’t wanna queef. That’s what I do. I make queef-less teeth.

INT. ABBI’S LIVINGROOM – MID-MORNING ABBI arrives back at the apartment. BEVERS is doing yoga. BEVERS Hey, Ab. Right on time. BEVERS grabs a bottle of chocolate milk out of the case And chugs it nonstop, then burps. ABBI gags. ABBI Okay, I’m gonna put these on the table and I’ll be in my room. BEVERS Okay, I’ll let you know if I need you. Until then I’m gonna be gettin’ my downward facing dog on. INT. ABBI’S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER ABBI sits on her bed. Immediately, BEVERS calls out to her. BEVERS ABBIIIIII. ABBI (Sighs) Yes, Bevers? BEVERS Can you come here for a sec? INT. ABBI’S LVINGROOM – MOMENTS LATER ABBI enters to see what BEVERS wants. BEVERS is in downward facing dog pose. ABBI You need something, Bevers? BEVERS Could you place my feet a few feet apart? I know it sounds crazy, but it was my old assistant’s job. ABBI looks furiously annoyed.

ABBI Sure, Bevers. Why not. ABBI starts to place BEVERS’ feet apart. His butt is towards her face. BEVERS farts in ABBI’s face. ABBI gets up immediately. ABBI PLEASE TELL ME YOU DID NOT JUST FART IN MY FACE! BEVERS I’m sorry, Abbi. That just came out. I can’t control my flatulence. ABBI I QUIT! I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT! ABBI storms off to her room. INT. LINCLON’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON LINCLON and ILANA are getting stoned and eating snacks. ILANA Lincoln, thank you so much for this job. This place is amazing. LINCOLN No problem, Ilana. It’s good having you around here to help out. ILANA notices a red button by her desk. She attempts to press it. ILANA Hey, what does this do? LINCOLN Wait, no! Never press that red button! ILANA jumps back before she can push the button.

LINCOLN Ilana, whatever you do, never press that button. I can’t go into to detail, but just know, that button is serious business. We can still get stoned. We can still bone in the bathroom. We can still do all that stuff I promised, just don’t press that button. ILANA Dude, you have my word, I will never press that button. Scouts honor. INT. ABBI’s APARTMENT – DAY ABBI is in her room, pissed off. BEVERS enter with a cupcake. He wants to make peace with ABBI for the earlier incident. BEVERS Abbi? I’m sorry about earlier. BEVERS hands ABBI the cupcake as a peace offering. ABBI Are you serious? It’s gonna take more than just a cupcake. You farted in my FACE! Like, I have to wear this face for the rest of my life and it now has your fart on it. BEVERS You’re right, Abbi. I messed up. You know what, never mind the two-fifty. I’ll pay you DOUBLE! ABBI 500 hundred a day? BEVERS All yours. ABBI Yeah, it better be five hundred! That’s more like it!

BEVERS Oh, thank God! ABBI But FIRST, I wanna lay some rules, man. BEVERS Sure. Anything, Abs. ABBI First, absolutely, positively, NO MORE FARTING IN MY FACE! and second, every day at 2pm, I want an hour break, so I can watch my soap operas. BEVER Done. Anything else? ABBI starts thinking of more things she can ask for. She draws a blank. ABBI Yeah there’s more, but I’ll let you know at a later time and date. BEVERS Whatever you need. Take your time. I’m just happy to have you back. BEVERS forcefully hugs ABBI and leaves the room. ABBI starts feeling powerful because her demands have been met. She starts strutting around the room and talking to herself. ABBI Damn right. I’m the goddamn boss around here. Who da boss? I’m da boss!

INT. LINCOLN’S OFFICE – EVENING ILANA is sitting at her desk, doing work while drinking a can of soda. She spills the soda all over the desk. ILANA SHIT! ILANA panics, grabs paper towels and begins wiping furiously. While wiping, she mistakenly hits the forbidden red button. ILANA looks to the sky and screams in slow motion. ILANA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! An alarm goes off. LINCOLN comes running out of his office in a frantic manner. LINCOLN Ilana, what happened?! ILANA (Speaking frantically) It started off so innocent. I was just sitting here, drinking a soda, I spilled it and that’s when shit got real. LINCOLN Ilana, please tell me you didn’t press that button. ILANA I did. I’m sorry. LINCOLN Okay, we got 20 seconds. ILANA 20 seconds for what? Are we gonna die? LINCOLN whips out his phone and calls someone whose identity isn’t revealed.

LINCOLN HEY, IT’S AN EMERGENCY! I NEED YOU TO SHUT DOWN THE OPERATION. THE PASSWORD IS SHOOBY-DOOBY-SCOOBY DOOBY. YES...IT’S SPELLED EXACTLY HOW IT SOUNDS. ILANA starts crying and talking about things she’s never done. ILANA There’s so much I never got the chance to do I’ve never been to a Kanye West concert. I never got the chance to smoke weed with Snoop Dogg. For God sakes, I never made out with Abbi. Abbi, I love you. I’ll miss you. The alarm shuts off. LINCOLN (Sigh of relief) Whew. That was a close one. Ilana, are you okay? ILANA Wait... So we’re not going to die? LINCLON Not anymore. ILANA Oh my god. That was too close. Okay Lincoln, like, thank you so much for this job and thank you for saving my life, but I quit. I’m not cut out for this. LINCLON I understand, Ilana. Not everyone is cut to be a gatekeeper in the wonderful world of dentistry.

INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM – EVENING ABBI is watching TV. She overhears BEVERS on a phone call. He’s crying. She mutes the TV and walks closer to the living room, so she can hear better. BEVERS What do you mean it’s all gone? This can’t be happening. No, say it isn’t so. Okay, okay, fine. Bye. BEVERS ends the call. ABBI hears BEVERS coming toward her room, so she jumps back on her bed and unmutes the TV. BEVERS enters ABBI’S room. ABBI tries to act normal. ABBI Hey Bevers, what’s going on? BEVERS Abs, I have some bad news. Like, really bad. ABBI What happened? BEVERS Please don’t be mad. ABBI Bevers! Spit it out! BEVERS It’s gone. Everything. I lost all of my money. ABBI becomes increasingly furious with BEVERS. ABBI YOU. LOST. EVERYTHING? SO WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME IS, YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO PAY ME. BEVERS I’ll make this right, Abbi! I swear!

ABBI Make it right? How Bevers? You’re Broke! And now since YOU’RE broke, that means, I’M broke! BEVERS I’m so sorry, Abbi. Please forgive me. ABBI I went to a bodega in Brooklyn for you and dealt with some creepy old dude just to retrieve your (air quotes) “Special drink”. Then, you had the audacity to fart in my face! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! I SHOULD’VE KNOWN! BEVERS Um, Abbi? ABBI WHAT, BEVERS? BEVERS points to the cupcake that ABBI never ate. BEVERS Are you gonna eat that? ABBI picks up the cupcake. ABBI Oh, you want THIS cupcake? BEVERS Yes, please. My blood sugar is running low. I could possibly pass out. ABBI Oh, really? Pass out huh? With this knowledge, ABBI drops the cupcake on the floor and steps on it. BEVERS begins licking the cupcake off floor.

ABBI You disgust me! INT. DEALS DEALS DEALS - MORNING ILANA is back in the office to get her job back. She walks in on a team meeting. TODD Ilana, what are you doing here? I thought you quit. ILANA Look, I’m sorry. I feel like I left on bad terms. Can I have a do-over? I mean, not a do-over, as quitting again but a do-over as in working here again. TODD Sure, Ilana. I mean, I love having you around. You don’t make a lot of deals, but when you do, you come through for us. ILANA Thanks, T-O-Double D. You da man! ILANA has a seat and joins the team in the meeting. She takes a seat next to NICOLE. NICOLE’s head is bandaged up from the previous hair fire. ILANA Hey, Nicole. Sorry about what happened to you. NICOLE gives ILANA an evil eye. NICOLE Don’t talk to me. ILANA That’s fair. But I just wanna say that nobody can rock that head bandage like you. You look hot, girlfriend.

ILANA’s mouth drops. ILANA (cont’d) Oh my God...that was a fire pun. You know what, I’m just gonna stop talking. NICOLE Good call. INT. SOULSTICE GYM – SAME TIME ABBI is back at the gym to get her job back. She’s wearing her uniform shirt that says “Cleaner”. TREY spots ABBI. TREY Abbi? I thought you quit. ABBI Yeah, about that... I... TREY take his finger and shushes ABBI’S lips. TREY It’s okay, Abbi. We all get frustrated sometimes. And when you quit, I had to do some self-reflecting. I realized that you’re a great cleaner, but I don’t make you feel important. I knew you’d be back, so I have something for you. ABBI You do? TREY pulls out a Black T-shirt. It looks similar to ABBI’S “Cleaner” uniform shirt. TREY This is for you Abbi. Congratulations. ABBI doesn’t look at the shirt but has confidence that it says “Trainer”. She becomes ecstatic.

ABBI Finally! Thank you, Trey! I will not let you down. I have waited and waited for this opportunity. LET’S DO THIS! TREY Good Abbi, because we have a situation. TREY pulls out a toilet cleaning brush and hands it to ABBI. ABBI Wait, what? I thought... ABBI takes a look at what the shirt says. The shirt reads, “Best Cleaner In The World”. ABBI immediately feels deflated. ABBI You know what, hey, I guess we have a situation. I’m on it, Trey. TREY bows to ABBI as she walks away. INT. LINCOLN’S APARTMENT – EVENING LINCOLN and ILANA are eating Peanut Butter Pasta and Creamy Spinach Tortellini. ILANA This is SO good. I’m glad you decided to make both pastas. LINCOLN That’s why they call me the Al De Dentist. I fix teeth and make eats. ILANA I’m so glad we didn’t die back at your office. By the way, what exactly would’ve happened if you didn’t shut the alarm off? Would we have like, exploded or something?

LINCLON A million tons of chocolate pudding would’ve fell from the ceiling and drowned us. Little known fact, Pudding is the number one killer among American dentists. LINCOLN and ILANA laugh and eat pasta, as the scene fades out. END.

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