Broad City: Abbi Tries Online Dating

BROAD CITY "Abbi Tries Online Dating" by Alex J. Mann

alexjmann.com [email protected]

FADE IN: INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM - DAY ABBI, in sweatpants and a t-shirt, talks into a cell phone pressed firmly to her ear. She paces between her bed and drawers while putting away laundry. ABBI Great for Erica, Mom. I’m happy you’re happy that she’s marrying a doctor. Abbi listens and rolls her eyes. ABBI No, you don’t need to mail me the article from the Jewish Exponent. Abbi stuffs too many shirts into a drawer. It won’t close. ABBI No, you don’t need to mail me the website either. Mom, that doesn’t even make. . . (beat) It doesn’t matter. I’m not looking it up. Abbi ignores the unclosed drawer and returns to her bed. She folds clothes. Abbi listens and pauses folding. ABBI I don’t care what the couple’s last name is. Mom, stop. Abbi listens. She looks defensive. ABBI I’m not “seeing anyone, seeing anyone,” but I see people. I had a date last week. (beat) Mom, I told you -- I won’t answer that question. Okay, hanging up. Abbi picks up a pile of clothes, then drops the pile back down on her bed.

2. ABBI Mom, no -- he wasn’t a doctor. I have to go. I’m meeting someone. (beat) Ilana. I’m meeting Ilana. (beat) Yes, I’ll tell her you say hi. (beat) Sure, I’ll tell her about Erica. Okay, Mom. (beat) Love you, too. Bye Abbi drops her cell phone into the remaining pile of clothes on her bed. INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY Crowded and BUZZING. Abbi and ILANA wait in line. ILANA So, you’re saying your Mom calls you -- to read wedding announcements? The ones published in the Jewish Exponent? Yep.

ABBI

ILANA Weddings! So exciting! (beat) Wait, for people. . . you don’t know? ABBI Yes. I mean, I could know someone who knows them, a camp friend or something, if I checked Facebook. But no, I usually don’t know them. ILANA Your Momma’s just nervous you’re never gonna meet someone. Abbi and Ilana step forward in line. ABBI Never? Never wasn’t my first thought. But, geez, alright. ILANA Oh, that’s just what she told me.

3. Abbi looks distressed. Ilana steps forward to the counter to order. Abbi doesn’t move. ABBI Wait, you talked to my. . . Before Abbi can finish her sentence, the BARISTA -- dark hair, unshaven, white apron -- interjects. BARISTA What can I get you girls? Abbi steps forward to the counter. She glares at Ilana. Ilana doesn’t notice and smiles at the Barista. ILANA Hi there. I’ll have a chai tea with soy milk. Please. Ilana turns to Abbi. ILANA Ab, what do you want? ABBI You’re talking to my Mom about me? Ilana ignores Abbi’s question. Ilana turns back to the Barista. ILANA She’ll take the same. Ilana turns to Abbi, glances back at the Barista, and then whispers to Abbi. He’s cute!

ILANA

ABBI Never? You think I’m never gonna meet someone? Ilana turns back to Abbi. ILANA I didn’t say that. Abbi widens her eyes. Ilana shrugs her shoulders. ILANA I just said your Mom has some concerns.

4. The Barista places two teas on the counter. Ilana pays and throws the change in the tip jar. Abbi and Ilana grab their teas and move to a table. ILANA I’ve gotta say -- I agree with her. I think you should be putting yourself out there more. That’ll make her happy. It’ll make you happy. Abbi and Ilana sit at a table. They face each other and sip their teas. ABBI I date. I had a date last week. ILANA Ab, that was a job interview -which happened to be over lunch. ABBI But he paid. ILANA All I’m saying is -- you just might want to rethink the way you’re meeting guys. You know, your dating strategy. ABBI A strategy? Why, you have a strategy? ILANA Oh, I have strategies for everything. For example, I took this seat because it gives me a great view of coffee boy at the counter. Ilana peers over Abbi to take a look at him. ILANA Looking good. She looks back at Abbi. ILANA I went on a great date last night. And guess where I met the guy? Online.

5. ABBI Online? On the internet? Like what, match.com? ILANA Match.com? Ew! What do I look like? No, of course not. On OkCupid. It’s much easier to get laid on OkCupid. ABBI Ilana, meeting people online is really dangerous. Someone might take you out to some fancy dinner, but after -- they could murder and rape you. ILANA Murder and rape? That’s ridiculous. If anything, they’d rape you before they murdered you. Unless, of course, they were into... Ilana briefly looks at the ceiling. ILANA Abbi, it’s fine. I’ve met a ton of great guys through the site. You should give it a try. ABBI A ton? How long have you been doing this? Ilana stands up to leave. ILANA Come on, let’s go to my apartment. I’ll show you how it works. INT. ILANA’S BEDROOM - DAY A mess: unmade bed, open drawers, unfolded clothes on the floor. A bong sits on the dresser. Abbi and Ilana sit on the edge of the bed. They stare at a laptop. Abbi points to the screen. ABBI Ilana, who is lil-big-mama-X-O-X-O? ILANA Who you think, silly? It’s your girl!

6. Ilana points to herself. ABBI Your dating username is lil-bigmama-X-O-X-O? What does that even mean? It’s not your name. Abbi looks at the screen in disgust. ABBI How are these internet creeps ever gonna know who you are? ILANA Dude, by reading my profile, and more importantly, looking at my dope pics. Abbi grabs the laptop and scrolls through Ilana’s profile. ABBI Wait. You’re a. . . a professional belly dancer? Mmm, hmm.

ILANA

Ilana stands and attempts to belly dance. ABBI And, your inspirational quote? “Everything I tried to teach ‘em they gonna see in time. Tell the bitches get a stick, I’m done leading the blind.” Ilana raps the song and dances while Abbi reads. ILANA (dancing) “I’m the best bitch doing it. I’m the best best best best.” It’s Nicki! (beat) Nicki Minaj, Abbi. Abbi ignores Ilana’s antics. She’s seen them before. ABBI “Looking for meaningful short-term relationships?” That doesn’t even make sense.

7. ILANA (dancing) “I’m the best best best best.” Ilana relents. Abbi looks concerned. ILANA Ab, don’t worry about that stuff. It doesn’t need to make sense to work. It’s a very advanced online dating strategy that I’ll be happy to teach you. But do check out my pics. Over Abbi’s shoulder, we see her scroll through Ilana’s profile pictures: First picture: Wearing bright red lipstick and blowing a kiss to the camera. Second picture: Wearing a pink wig and dancing. Third picture: Her face sloppily pasted on the body of Nicki Minaj. In every picture, Ilana’s hair and clothes appear to be blowing from a gust of wind. ABBI These pictures are. . . did you take all of them? ILANA No, silly. My computer did. ABBI Ilana, it says you have 300 unread messages. How many guys do you meet on this site? ILANA I don’t know, a bunch. I don’t go out with every guy that messages me. Just the ones with cute pictures. ABBI It all seems very. . . I don’t know -- very whorish to me. ILANA Abbi, do you want to get laid or not? Your mom thinks you’re not getting laid.

8. ABBI You’re not really talking to my Mom about this. (beat) Ilana stares at Abbi. ABBI She said that? Ilana looks away. ILANA (quickly) Let’s set you up a profile. I’ve got my camera right here. I’m picturing you already. . . Ilana reaches to the dresser and grabs her camera. ABBI I’m not joining your prostitution ring. Don’t need any of it. I can meet guys without it. If I try. ILANA Abbi, don’t be asexual. ABBI Ilana, I don’t need. . . this. Abbi pushes away the laptop. ABBI Let’s go out tonight. I’ll show you. I don’t need it. ILANA Whateva, Abs. Abbi frowns at Ilana and glances at the laptop. ILANA (dancing) “I’m the best bitch doing it. I’m the best best best best.” INT. ABBI’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - LATER Abbi gets ready for her night out with Ilana. She wears dark jeans, a red tank top, and a black blazer.

9. INT. ILANA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT - LATER Ilana sits on her couch in a hoodie and sweatpants with a cell phone against her ear. A bong rests between her legs. INTERCUT BETWEEN ABBI AND ILANA Abbi BLOW DRIES her hair. Ilana exhales SMOKE and speaks into her phone. ILANA I know, Susan. Your daughter is tough. I’m working on it. I’ve got some strategies in mind. (beat) Agreed. My strategies are solid. (beat) We’re going out tonight, in an hour, yeah. Abbi applies make-up. Ilana takes another hit. ILANA (coughing) No way! Erica is getting married?! That’s so exciting! Wait. . . who is Erica? (beat) Oh, the girl from the Jewish Exponent. (beat) Do I know her? Abbi looks in the mirror. She pushes her boobs up, and then back down. Ilana listens. ILANA Sure. Mail me the article. I’ll make some room for it on the fridge. So exciting! (beat) Okay. Got it. Buh bye. Ilana listens and holds in her breath. ILANA No, Susan. I’m not high.

10. Ilana exhales a cloud of smoke and hangs up. Abbi sprays perfume and grabs her bag. She takes a DEEP BREATH and leaves her apartment. ILANA A bar. To meet people. So medieval. INT. BAR - NIGHT - LATER Abbi and Ilana sit at a table near the bar. It’s busy and loud. People stand around drinking and chatting. A beer bottle sits in front of Ilana, a vodka tonic in front of Abbi. ILANA Not drinking a beer. . . like a lady? Ilana watches Abbi suck a whole drink through a straw. ILANA Geez, girl. Slow down. You nervous? Abbi looks at Ilana. ABBI Just thirsty. ILANA I’m taking it nice and slow. Ilana takes a big sip from her beer. She tilts her head back. ILANA I’m meeting up with hockey-guy-33 later. Abbi looks confused. ABBI Hockey guy? ILANA I don’t know his name yet -- only that he likes hockey. We met on the interwebs. ABBI Hockey guy from the interwebs. That’s great. I told you, I don’t need that. (MORE)

11. ABBI (CONT'D) In fact, someone is coming to say hello to us right now. Abbi smiles at FRAT GUY, who approaches the table. He wears a long-sleeved shirt with a ruffled collar, a worn baseball hat slightly angled, and loose-fitting blue jeans. When he arrives, Abbi opens her mouth to speak, but he immediately turns to Ilana. FRAT GUY English Lit with Professor Coral? Ilana sips her beer. Frat Guy points at Ilana and smiles. FRAT GUY Oh, right. No, no. It’s Ev Psych. Ev Psych with Dr. Finkelstein. Ilana looks at Abbi. They both look confused. Abbi stares at Frat Guy. FRAT GUY How’d you get in here anyway? They’re tough on IDs. Ilana shakes her head, confused. ILANA What are you talking about? FRAT GUY Or is it freshman seminar on Monday and Wednesday? That’s gotta be it. ILANA Dude, I graduated from college a few. . . awhile ago. Frat Guy looks embarrassed. He sips his beer. FRAT GUY Oh, I thought you were. . . you look like this girl. A girl in a few of my classes. Ilana makes a sarcastic face. Frat Guy takes off his hat and scratches his head. He looks back at his friends. They laugh at his awkward encounter. FRAT GUY I thought you were her.

12. Frat Guy hastily waves bye to Ilana without eye contact. He slouches away. Ilana turns to Abbi. ILANA Well, that was weird. But he was sort of cute. You should have talked to him, Ab. ABBI You were talking to him. He came to talk to you. He thought you were -he’s just a student! A freshman. ILANA Picky, picky, picky! You coulda bagged that one. Ilana sips her beer. She pulls out her phone from her bag to read a text message. ILANA Well, if it isn’t mister hockey. I’m getting hit up by two guys twice in just a few minutes. Abbi stands and grabs her glass. ABBI I’m getting another drink. Abbi walks to the crowded bar. Next to her are three attractive GUYS chatting. Abbi makes an attempt to talk to one of them, but it’s too loud. She sees GUY 1 grab GUY 2’s ass, and then his hand. Abbi spots an opening at the bar and moves in. Before a bartender can take her order, BAR GUY -- twenty-something, handsome -- approaches from behind and taps her shoulder. Abbi turns around, makes eye contact, and smiles. Oh, hi!

ABBI

Abbi flickers her eyes. Bar Guy looks surprised. BAR GUY Hi. . . just wanted to order drinks. (beat) (MORE)

13. BAR GUY (CONT'D) For me and my girlfriend. Are you done here? Abbi hesitates, looks down, and then speaks. ABBI Yeah, I’m done. Abbi slumps back to Ilana, who is still texting. ABBI Okay. I think I’m about ready to leave. Ilana doesn’t look up. ILANA Good timing. I’m meeting with hockey boy. How many numbers did you get? Abbi and Ilana leave the bar. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE BAR - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER ILANA Hey. Trying to meet a guy at a bar is ancient. All I’m saying is -consider setting up a profile. If you meet someone online, I promise you won’t get murdered and raped. Abbi forces a smile. ILANA But maybe raped and murdered. Ilana hugs Abbi goodbye. Abbi gets in a cab and shuts the door. The cab drives away. INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - LATER Abbi, in a t-shirt and sweatpants, sits at her kitchen table with her laptop and a bowl of ice cream. She opens up a new browser window and goes to OkCupid. She closes the website. She gets up from the computer, paces in a circle, and sits back down.

14. On the laptop, she returns to the OKCupid website and clicks “New Profile.” Abbi TYPES her profile. ABBI Okay, okay. “Summary.” Hmm. Girl. Yeah. Lives in Manhattan. From Philadelphia. Yeah. Down to Earth. Am I? (beat) Sure. “I enjoy,” hmm, illustration and design. Abbi removes her hands from the keyboard and stares at the screen. She half-smiles and types. ABBI “I like to.” I like to have a good party? Abbi nods, approving her words. ABBI “What am I doing with my life?” Abbi groans and SMACKS her forehead on the keyboard. ABBI Another Friday, another existential crisis. (beat) Skipping that question. Abbi glances at the fridge, where a magnet holds up a “To-Do List.” It reads “learn strategies for stuff.” Abbi SIGHS and continues typing. Alright. Moving right along here. “My best skill.” Arts and crafts, baby. Abbi GIGGLES. ABBI And bringing sexy back. Abbi LAUGHS. Keeper.

ABBI

15. On the laptop screen, OKCupid prompts Abbi to upload a picture. Abbi makes faces into her laptop camera, some sexy and some silly. Eventually, she settles on a plain, reserved picture. Abbi looks content with her choice. She clicks “submit.” OKCupid displays a message: “Your profile is now complete.” CLOSE-UP ON THE OKCUPID PAGE: “0 New Messages.” She takes a DEEP BREATH and shuts her laptop. INT. ILANA’S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY LATER Abbi and Ilana sit on the couch. ILANA So, how many messages did you get so far? ABBI Uhh. . . none. None yet. ILANA Ab, it’s a girl’s market. You should be owning it. (beat) It’s probably your picture. You really gotta bring sexy back. ABBI Well, yeah, duh. I’m definitely doing that. And I think my picture is fine. You know, it’s normal. Ilana lowers her head and stares at Abbi. ABBI What? It’s me. ILANA It’s normal? It’s you? I love you but that’s exactly what it should not be. Normal is boring. Let me see. ABBI Why do you need to see it?

16. ILANA Because twelve hours after starting my profile, I had fifty messages in my inbox, including five dick pics. And two dates scheduled. Abbi glares at Ilana. ILANA Trust me. I know how this site works. Come on. . . Abbi opens Ilana’s laptop. She finds her newly-created profile and passes the laptop to Ilana. Ilana looks disappointed. ILANA Oh, Abbi, Abbi, Abbi. More wind. Huh?

ABBI

ILANA This picture -- it’s just not gonna cut it. Maybe for J-Date or one of those other nebbish sites, but not for this one. ABBI J-Date, what? What’s wrong with my picture? ILANA I told you. Definitely more wind. Wind?

ABBI

INT. ILANA’S BEDROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Ilana snaps pictures of Abbi with her camera. A WIND MACHINE BLOWS NOISILY towards Abbi, ruffling her hair and clothing. ILANA NO. NO. NO. YES! RIGHT THERE. THAT’S IT. ABBI ILANA. THIS IS CRAZY. (beat) WHY DO YOU HAVE A WIND MACHINE? Ilana takes pictures of Abbi. Abbi poses.

17. ILANA (beat) MOVE TO THE LEFT. OKAY. A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT. BACK TO THE LEFT. ABBI THIS IS YOUR SECRET TO MEETING GUYS ONLINE? WIND? (beat) I FEEL LIKE I’M AUDITIONING FOR THE SEQUEL TO TWISTER. ILANA THERE ALREADY WAS A SEQUEL TO TWISTER. IT GOT LIKE A 33 PERCENT ON ROTTEN TOMATOES. (beat) I NEVER SAW IT. LOOKED AWFUL. ABBI WHY. . . WIND? ILANA WINDY IS. . . SEXY. Ilana takes more pictures of Abbi. INT. ILANA’S LIVING ROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER Abbi and Ilana sit on the couch with the laptop. They both stare at the new pictures of Abbi. No.

No. No

ABBI

ABBI ABBI

No

No. Yes!

ILANA

ILANA ILANA

ILANA That’s the one. ABBI But it looks like. . . The picture of Abbi is revealed. It’s similar to Abbi’s original picture, except wind blows her hair and clothes.

18. Abbi stares at Ilana. Ilana puts her hand on her hip and makes a diva pose. ILANA This is your -- what they call -money shot. INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - DAYS LATER Abbi sits with JAKE -- slightly overweight, hair parted to the side, tan blazer. They sit across the table from each other, sipping drinks. ABBI This is actually my first time -my first time going out with someone I met online. Abbi laughs uneasily. She looks unsettled. Jake doesn’t smile. JAKE Me, too. (beat) Well, actually, no, not true. I’ve done it once before. Abbi looks nervous. ABBI (alarmed) You’ve done what once before? You did what -- to who? Jake ignores Abbi’s distress. JAKE It’s not that the date didn’t go well. It’s just that -- oh, nevermind, doesn’t really matter. We don’t need to get into it ABBI (quickly) No, we can get into it. Let’s get very into it. Tell me what happened. JAKE Well, alright. We went out for drinks. Sort of like this. Then she invited me back to her place, which was cool. (MORE)

19. JAKE (CONT'D) But all she wanted to do was -- it was strange -- was play Mario Kart. Abbi looks curious. Before she can respond, Jake changes the subject. JAKE Enough about that girl, though. Let’s talk about you. You mentioned in your profile that you’re “bringing sexy back.” Please, tell me more. Jake settles in, sincerely ready to listen. Abbi looks away, uncomfortable. JAKE And, before I forget to ask: did you take your picture in some sort of wind tunnel? INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY - NEXT DAY Abbi sits with Ilana at a table. They both sip teas. ILANA How’d your internet date go? I got no text from you, missy, so I’m guessing you was a-busy a-humpin’. ABBI No, no humping. Guy was sort of odd. I cut the date off early. He actually asked me if I was gonna “bring sexy back.” ILANA Aren’t you? It said so in your profile. ABBI Yeah, it did. I wrote that because I thought it’s something you would write. ILANA (quickly) I’d never write that. ABBI Then he went on about how he’d gone on some internet date before, and how it didn’t go well. (MORE)

20. ABBI (CONT'D) I don’t know -- I just lost faith in the whole process. ILANA Why didn’t his date go well? Mine usually go fine. I’m a great judge of internet character. ABBI It was funny. He said the girl -he said the girl just wanted to play Mario Kart. And it just got weird, or something. I don’t know. ILANA Oh. Jake? It wasn’t that weird. ABBI You? You went out with Jake? (beat) Of course you did. You were the Mario Kart girl? ILANA Yeah. We got a few drinks. Then played Mario Kart. I have Mario Kart listed as an interest in my profile. A diverse range of interests is a key strategy. So what? Abbi looks surprised. ILANA (CONT’D) But get this: He played as Bowser, which come on, is a shitty choice. I mean, who plays as Bowser on a first date? ABBI So I’m getting your sloppy seconds. ILANA Geez, Ab. It’s not like we played Mario Kart and then had sex. ABBI Okay, that makes me feel a little better. But, still you went out with. . . Ilana interrupts Abbi.

21. ILANA Mario Kart was after the sex. That was the deal we made. Deal?

ABBI

ILANA Okay fine. Deal I made. Abbi looks frustrated. She gets out of her seat. ILANA Come on. We’ll find you another date. Relax. Jake was a weirdo. Remember: He played as Bowser! Abbi stares at Ilana. She looks angry. Bowser!

ILANA

ABBI No, Ilana. I’m not doing this anymore. Once was enough. I’m deleting my profile. I’m out. Ilana gets out of her seat. She moves towards Abbi and puts her arm around her. ILANA Ab, don’t be so rash. You’re my best friend, and I hate to see you hurt. But you’re not out. You’re in. You can never go back. (beat) None of us can. ABBI What? No, I’m. . . Ilana cuts off Abbi. ILANA The only question is, are you bringing sexy back or not? Abbi smiles. She can’t help it. ILANA That’s what your Mom was curious about, at least. Abbi’s smile fades.

22. ILANA Let’s go work on our pictures. Together. Pictures make all the difference. (beat) And no wind machine this time. Promise. Abbi LAUGHS at the mention of the wind machine. Abbi and Ilana walk towards the door to leave. ILANA But we have to try my new smoke machine. FADE TO BLACK. END OF EPISODE