Blow Each Other Away: Surfing the Pleasure Wave by Jaiya

Names in the book have been changed and some personal stories combined in order to protect confidentiality I have with my students.

Copyright © 2013 by Jessica Kinzbach All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York. www.crownpublishing.com Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Jaiya. Blow each other away : a couples’ guide to sensational oral sex / Jaiya.—1st ed. p. cm. 1. Oral sex. 2. Orgasm. 3. Sex instruction. 4. Sexual excitement. I. Title. HQ31.5.O73J35 2012 306.77'4—dc23 2012010841 ISBN 978–0-7704–3554–7 eISBN 978–0-7704–3555–4 PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA TEXT DESIGN BY ELINA D. NUDELMAN TEXT ILLUSTRATIONS BY STASIA BURRINGTON COVER DESIGN BY JIM MASSEY COVER PHOTOGRAPH: (FEMALE) © KASIAM/ISTOCK PHOTOS; (MALE ) © VLADIMIR WRANGEL/ISTOCK PHOTOS; (TOWEL) © MILAN LLC/ISTOCK PHOTOS

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Edition

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TWO

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

Surfing the waves of pleasure takes skill. It’s an art. Much like flying a kite. You’ve got to hit the wind just right before it takes flight. Once you get it up and in the flow, it’s fairly easy to ride the wind. Then you want to reel the kite in slowly to make sure it doesn’t just drop. Sexual pleasure is a lot like flying a kite. And if you learn how to help your lover ride the waves of pleasure for extended periods of time, some pretty amazing things start to happen.

Benefits of the Pleasure Wave 1. prolongs lovemaking into extended periods of high arousal. The Pleasure Wave formula is perfect for men who want to last longer in bed. It’s great for women and men who want to experience multiple orgasms.

2. allows for full arousal and expanded orgasm. Most women do not reach full arousal before penetration (I’ll talk about this more in the next chapter); since the Pleasure Wave extends the amount of time that you are playing in high arousal, it helps you reach your full turn-on. This in turn can have you experiencing

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30 an orgasm that expands through your whole body and may last anywhere from three to ten minutes (in one case I had a student orgasm for a whole twenty minutes).

3. no need to remember any techniques—all the pleasure happens in the moment. Some people hate techniques. They can’t remember the steps. Their fingers get all tripped up and they feel like a failure. With the Pleasure Wave, there are no specific techniques to remember . . . if you can wiggle your finger, you can do it. It just takes knowing the formula and plugging in what feels good.

4. sets you up for sexual success. Just about every popular magazine cover has some mind-blowing hair-pulling technique that will drive your lover crazy. You go home and try it and it doesn’t work. Not great for your sexual self-esteem! The Pleasure Wave sets you up to feel successful because it isn’t technique based; it’s sensation based.

What Is the Pleasure Wave? The Pleasure Wave is composed of two important steps. Step One is to find simple hand, mouth, or penetration moves that you can do easily. Step Two is to follow a formula I call SAAA: Stillness; Arousal One—Body; Arousal Two—External; and Arousal Three—High/Internal. Ideally you will do three to four Pleasure Waves in one lovemaking session.

How the Pleasure Wave Formula Began Sometimes teaching men how to please a woman is like trying to teach a headstrong two-year-old how to ride a bike. You try to show them how to pedal, then they forget to steer. You try to show them how to

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balance, but they just want to do it their own way. They want you to let go and let them do it their way, but when you do, they fall. Most of the single men who come to me are coming because they want to improve their love lives. Couples are a completely different story. Usually the man will tell me that he thinks he is an amazing lover and doesn’t need to be there, but I get a much different story from the woman in his life. My students Jill and Scott fit this picture perfectly, but they, and a Nike trainer, were about to help me create the Pleasure Wave. “I hate to say this,” Jill whispered to me. “But Scott is awful in bed. I fake it so that his mauling stops. I had to drag him here. He thinks our sex life is fine. What do I do?” I could see that she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to tell him. Our first step was for Jill to tell Scott the truth. Scott was angry at first. “Isn’t sex just something that comes naturally? I mean, I never had a woman complain before this.” Scott expressed this with a little edge in his voice. “Great sex is both nature and knowledge. You can bump around in the dark, or you can make it exquisite,” I replied. “Many women don’t complain about the pleasure they are not experiencing because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. We’ve been taught to grin and bear it. Approximately 70 percent of women have faked an orgasm. It does them a great disservice.” We agreed on a plan of action. Scott would start working with me alone, and then we would bring in Jill for practice sessions. Scott had very large hands. He liked boxing and practiced regularly. He was a big man, with a big presence, but he wasn’t very present. He was easily distracted, often off thinking about what he wanted for lunch or focusing on how successful his sexual attempts were. When I took on Scott and Jill as students, I was taking a teacher training class on the Groove Method with Misty Tripoli. Misty is a Nike elite trainer who, after years of battling with working out and binge eating, decided to stop it all and just dance. During the training, I started

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32 thinking about Scott. He was having a lot of trouble with techniques. He couldn’t remember them. It was like an actor who couldn’t memorize at all. He’d get frustrated because he was bent on doing it right, instead of just going with the flow and discovering Jill’s pleasure through his own creativity. Misty’s approach to dance was simple: Just about everyone can walk. Just about everyone can move his or her arms. Just about everyone can bend his or her knees. I thought to myself, Just about everyone can wiggle a finger. During her classes, Misty shouts, “Walk! What would happen if you walked faster? What would happen if you walked backward? Come on, don’t follow me! Make it your own!” I started applying all this to sex techniques, and the Pleasure Wave was born.

Step One: Pleasure Wave Starting Point— Everyone Can Wiggle Oftentimes people feel like failures in the bedroom. Mainstream media teaches us that if we do the latest technique, we’ll instantly have our partner writhing with a hair-pulling, screaming, mind-blowing orgasm. But it doesn’t work that way for the majority of couples, so they stop trying. I want people to feel like a success. If you feel like a success, you are more likely to keep indulging in things that feel good. The good news is that you already are a success. If you can wiggle your finger, you can do the Pleasure Wave. If you can wiggle your tongue, you can do the Pleasure Wave. Actually just about any movement of your hands and mouth can lead to success with the Pleasure Wave. When I saw Scott and Jill, just a few days after the Groove class with Misty Tripoli, I started inventing the Pleasure Wave. What were some simple movements that Scott could do with his hands? I had Scott place his fingertip on Jill’s clitoris. “Okay, Scott, now can you wiggle your finger back and forth?” He started wiggling. It seemed that felt okay for Jill. “What would happen if you wiggled faster?” I asked him. He went faster

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33 Surfing the Pleasure Wave

and Jill moaned. We shortly discovered that Jill liked touch to her clitoris that was faster and lighter. Scott was looking pleased and he was staying present. For the first time he wasn’t in his head, he was focused on Jill’s clitoris. I congratulated Scott on creating the perfect technique, and he looked at me completely puzzled. Here’s how it works. Let’s say that your movement is a wiggle of your index finger. For guys, you might wiggle on her clit; for you ladies, your wiggle might be on his prostate or his frenulum (for anatomy, see Chapters 3 and 5). Get your wiggle on and then ask yourself the following questions as you shift your wiggle. Watch your lover’s responses as you practice. What would happen if I went slower? What would happen if I pressed harder? What would happen if I went a little higher? What would happen if I paused for a moment and then dove in even faster? What would happen if I went to the left? What would happen if (fill in the blank)? Now you have Step One: Find Your Move.

Step Two: The Pleasure Wave Formula— Surfing the SAAA Once you have your wiggles on, you can start to put those wiggles into a formula. Recall my formula, the SAAA (Stillness; Arousal One—Body; Arousal Two—External; Arousal Three—High/Internal). Why use this formula? With this formula you can: Create your own techniques in the moment that require no memorization or repeated practice.

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time

S

A1

C

S

A2

Average Sex

A1

A2

A3 A2

A3

The Pleasure Wave

S

C A2

A3

A2

C

A3

S

C A3

S

A3

C

A2 A1 S

A1

C: Climax S: Stillness A1: Body Arousal

S

A1 A2

A1

A2: External Arousal A3: High Arousal

BLOW EACH OTHER AWAY

S

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excitement

35

Connect with your lover by mutually finding high pleasure while staying unshakably present with each other. For this step, I saw Scott by himself. He seemed more excited for our lesson. The last session had given him confidence. I’d been thinking hard all week about using simplicity within the SAAA formula. “What type of sexual activities do you think of when you think about stillness?” I asked Scott. “Stillness? What about sex is still?” He looked at me, puzzled again. I explained that stillness is underestimated. Scott needed to understand that stillness is incredibly important because it creates relaxation, and even more important it creates safety. I gave him some examples. “Remember last week when you cupped Jill’s vulva and just held your hand there. She loved that. She took a deep breath. That’s a great way to do Stillness. Does that make sense?” Scott nodded, still looking a little unsure. We started to list all the things that he could do that involved no movement at all. Once we had a good list of possible stillness techniques, we went to the next component of the formula: Body Arousal (A1 of the SAAA). The idea with this part is to arouse your partner from the outside in. This means touching, kissing, or licking the erogenous areas of the body in a certain sequence, which eventually leads to the genitals. We quickly made a list of simple things Scott could do on Jill’s body. Now Scott and I needed to make a list of things that would get Jill into a higher arousal state. External Arousal (A2) meant using techniques that focused on getting Jill into a more pleasured state without penetration. And finally we needed a list of High Arousal (A3) techniques that included both internal and external stimulation. We made the lists for each category on big poster-size Post-its. It looked a bit like this.

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Surfing the Pleasure Wave

Communicate in a way that allows you to get to the highest pleasure through the easiest route. You’ll discover your partner’s pleasure in the moment as opposed to trying a technique that worked one day but didn’t the next, and you wonder what happened.

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36 stillness

body arousal (a1)

external arousal (a2)

high arousal (a3)

Cupping

Kissing Neck

Rolling Clitoris

G-spot Come Hither

Hand/Heart

Nibbling Ear

Licking Clitoris

Sucking Clit w/Come-Hither

Pelvic Hold

Stroking Thigh

Vulva Yoga

G-spot Wiggle

Tantric Kiss Vibe

Kissing Lips

U-spot Circles

Intercourse w/Clit Vibe

These techniques are described in later chapters.

I had Scott take these lists home so that he could practice on Jill. I instructed him to do them in this order: Stillness, Body Arousal, Stillness, External Arousal, Body Arousal, External Arousal, High Arousal, Stillness. This is a Pleasure Wave. The order I instructed Scott to use works for most couples, but ultimately you want to create the best waves that work for you.

Create Your SAAA Like Scott, you can make a chart to help you come up with moves in each category. Think of all the things you could do that your partner might enjoy. Think of things that you might enjoy giving. Once you have your lists, practice playing with your moves (wiggles) within the SAAA order. Spend at least five to ten minutes playing in each category. Here’s an example of a Pleasure Wave session: Stillness: Hand on Heart Arousal One—Body: Kissing Neck Stillness: Cupping Vulva Arousal Two—External: Vulva Yoga/Stretching Arousal Two—External: Wiggling Finger on Clit Arousal Three—High/Internal: Sucking Clit with Come-Hither on G-spot

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37 Arousal Two—External: Flicking Tongue on Clit Arousal Three—High/Internal: Intercourse Arousal Two—External: Kissing Neck Stillness: Spooning I want you to forget all about the word “techniques.” I simply want you to do things you can do with your fingers and then ask yourself the questions in Step One of the Pleasure Wave. “What would happen if I went faster? Slower? In Circles? Deeper? Lighter? Higher? Lower? Etc.” Then check in with your partner, notice how his or her body responds, and ask what feels best. That’s all. No techniques to remember. Just look at your charts for inspiration. When I explained all this to Scott, he started to look relieved. I think he liked the idea that he didn’t have to remember any techniques. I had hundreds, but he could create his own. You can too.

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

Stillness: Tantric Kiss (foreheads placed together)

Troubleshooting As you start practicing the Pleasure Wave, you may discover that new challenges arise. This is completely normal and okay. Remember, you can wiggle your finger and that is a success. These are simple things and if you can recognize them and know that they will dissolve easily, in time you’ll be well on your way to the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Too Turned On I often see men lose focus when I’m teaching. They start getting aroused and suddenly it’s as if they lose their attention and presence. They lose the sweet spot they found, they lose the pressure that was just right, they lose the speed we like best. Scott faced this problem, and he needed to

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38 learn how to focus during high arousal. It wasn’t about learning to ignore his arousal, but to use his arousal to stay focused and build her arousal. If you find yourself too turned on by your partner getting higher and higher and you lose your focus, the best thing to do is to get present. Be in the moment. Be unshakable. If you need to, drop into Stillness to regroup and regain focus. From there you can build the wave again.

Can’t Keep the Right Speed with the Right Pressure You may find that as you find that “just right” technique, you have a hard time developing the ability to basically pat your head and rub your stomach while chewing gum. Scott said, “Once I found a pressure that worked for Jill, I had a hard time adding speed and keeping that same pressure. How can I learn how to develop the ability to keep with the light pressure but go faster? I start getting deeper with faster.” Scott isn’t alone on this one. In this case, the skill comes when learning how to go fast while staying light and in the exact position. It simply requires practice. You can always practice on your own body. The back of your hand is a great place to start. Try it now. Take your right-hand index finger, press into the back of your left hand, try deep pressure; now move very fast, now move up a little. Stick with it. Okay, now try light pressure and very slow; now move faster, down a little. Make sure you aren’t changing the pressure with the speed, or the pressure and speed when you move location a little. It takes skill, but with time you’ll get it. And here’s a little tip: Use your tongue externally and a finger internally. It’s a little easier to do your mouth and a hand in combination than doing two hands at once. I instructed Scott how to do this on his own hand and then I had him do it on mine so that I could give him feedback as to when he was changing pressure or speed and I hadn’t asked him to. He was frustrated at first, but with practice he started getting it.

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39 Dexterity Isn’t on Your Side Surfing the Pleasure Wave

“Well, I feel like I’m starting to get the pressures and speeds with one hand, but when I start using two, it feels impossible. I can’t go fast and with deep pressure with one hand on her clit, and then slow and light with the other on her G-spot. Can anyone really do that?” Scott said, looking at Jill and then me. It’s possible; it just takes some skill to develop the ability to do two different things with your hands. After years of practice, I can even do two different things with two different fingers on the same hand. It just takes practice and patience. (For more on this, take a look at my book Red Hot Touch: A Head-to-Toe Handbook for Mind-Blowing Orgasms, where I have a number of hand exercises you can do.)

Switch: Unleashing the Pleasure Wave on Each Other “I can’t believe the difference!” Jill exclaimed during their next session with me. She was glowing. I could feel the flow of sensuality and love between them. “I’m not faking my orgasms anymore and I feel great about being able to tell Scott what feels good. Now, I want to play with the Pleasure Wave on him!” Scott and Jill were very excited and dove into the session with a joy I had never seen before. I knew I was on to something with this idea that simple was best and that the Pleasure Wave was a formula to help people ride the waves of sexual excitement and enjoyment. You may have some sexual realizations as you practice this formula. Scott had a few “aha” moments when he was receiving the Pleasure Wave. He said, “I always thought that sex meant I get an erection, keep my erection, put it in her, and pump until I cum. But now I’ve experienced that it’s more pleasurable when there are ups and downs and even places where you stop and start over. It’s okay to lose my erection. I even felt

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40 pleasure when I didn’t have an erection. That’s never happened before, because I was always so worried about it not being hard.” I had told Scott before the session that we would purposely be using techniques to allow his arousal to drop and he would lose his erection. It’s important that men have permission to not be hard all the time. Arousal ebbs and flows, whether you are male or female or identify somewhere in between. For many couples, this practice is the first time that they give each other any feedback on what feels good. Scott thought that Jill was great at blow jobs before this, but after learning the Pleasure Wave formula, he could see that there is room for his guidance. He could get even more pleasure! I am here to tell you, as I told Scott—there is always more. As our session came to a close, I could see the light in his eyes; something in him was turned on, and he was starting to really understand the art of pleasure. Jill was having a great time and finally getting the pleasure she didn’t know how to ask for. I told Scott and Jill to take a few months to practice and come see me after they had a chance to deepen their skills and mine their own pleasure. They came together to their final session with me, holding hands and smiling. “We don’t always use the Pleasure Wave,” they told me. “Sometimes we just have a good romp, a quickie. But even our quickies are better because we’ve developed the ability to use the communication skills to get the pleasure we both want. We can even do a version of the Pleasure Wave that’s a quickie, one technique for each step of the wave!”

A Music-Driven Sexual Experience The Pleasure Wave wasn’t the only thing that came out of my training with Misty Tripoli. I was reminded during her training that music could help people who have the inability to connect with their bodies. Carrie was in her midfifties, a professional with a great desire to learn

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how to please a man. She was recently divorced and felt like she’d never had the opportunity to learn about sex. Her husband had been her only lover. They had stopped having sex four years before their divorce. Carrie was heartbroken and really nervous about sex with a new partner. Carrie loved music. So for her sixth session, I asked her to bring in a CD of her favorite love songs, songs that she would like to make love to. “I really have a hard time using my hands and my mouth together,” she told me. We’d been working on using the Pleasure Wave with hand-and-mouth combinations, but she was having a hard time getting into it. I had to get her to feel it; she was simply going through the motions. I put on the music and asked her to find the beat. After my training with Misty, I had decided to practice “music-driven sex” myself, to see if it was an effective tool. I put on a song by Massive Attack called “Angel.” The song has this deep and driving beat that just makes you want to grind to it. I used my fingers like drums to dance over my vulva, and it was an exquisite experience. What worked for me was that it got me out of my usual pattern and gave me something new to work with. I allowed the music to wash over me and move me. I am lucky because my partner is a dancer; we met on a dance floor. It was easy for us to put on some music and make love to the beat, each of his thrusts matching the rhythms in the songs. I put on music for Carrie and asked her to find the beat. I asked her to close her eyes and just listen and feel. “Let the music inspire your movement, let it drive your technique. Create the technique from the beat you feel.” I gave her permission to not move until she felt it. Then she raised the dildo to her face (I use dildos to practice on when we don’t have a male model or partner for my female students). She began to move the dildo over her lips in beat to the music. I could see her breathing deeply, slowly, and sensually. She started stroking to the downbeat in the song, while rubbing the dildo over her slightly parted lips.

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42 I changed the song. “Now, take a moment, tune into the music, start again with this new piece of music.” Her eyes were still closed; I could see her finding her way. She started to sensuously move her hand over the head of the dildo while she used her tongue to flick over the shaft. She was getting creative. We did a few more songs before I asked her to take a breath and open her eyes. “How was that for you?” I inquired. “Surprising.” She looked sleepy, even in an altered state. “What was surprising for you? Take your time.” I didn’t want her to force herself out of a wonderful state if she wasn’t ready. “It was like a meditation for me, and I really, really enjoyed it. I feel like I let go for the first time and just felt the penis in my hands and my mouth as opposed to doing some mechanical technique.” I could see that Carrie was having a turning point. This might work for you too. Create a music mix that follows the Pleasure Wave. Let the music guide you; feel it and you’ll be doing the wave automatically without having to follow a chart or remember a bunch of techniques. About six months later I got a letter from Carrie. She wrote, “I will never have bad sex again. What I learned from you changed my life. I now have a boyfriend who sings my praises. Music is the best sex toy I could buy. Thank you.”

A Simple Kiss For this exercise, start with some music. A few recommendations include: • “Kissing You (Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet)” by Des’ree • “Disappearing into You” from the album Music to Disappear in 1 by Raphael • “Keep the Streets Empty for Me” by Fever Ray

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43 • One of your favorite songs to kiss to

If you want to do this exercise with your partner, start by putting your lips to theirs and breathing in and out of your noses. Close your eyes and tune into your breathing. You can just let that be it, breathing with your lips touching. That’s the technique. But what would happen if you breathe a little deeper? How about letting your bodies touch in some way? Imagine your breath sinking into the areas where your bodies are touching. What would happen if you moved your head a little while keeping your lips touching? If you don’t have a partner, you can still practice this. Instead of touching someone else’s lips, touch your own lips to your fingertips. The basic technique is just lips to fingertips, deeply breathing with your eyes closed. Remember that there is no right or wrong, only your way.

Surfing the Pleasure Wave

• “Teardrop” by Massive Attack

You Can Have It All I am here to tell you that it is possible to get to that mind-blowing pleasure you see promised on the covers of so many magazines. It’s just that most of these magazines aren’t giving you the proper maps or tools to get there. You have to start simply and then allow yourself to flourish from the simplicity. Remember Scott. When he got simple, things started working better for him. Use the Pleasure Wave and music-driven sex to create your own techniques. There is no right or wrong way; it’s about creating pleasure and paying attention. Remember that in each moment you have the opportunity to make a different choice, to make it better. You are never a failure. Use the techniques in Chapters 4 and 6 as a base, and apply ideas from the Pleasure Wave to those techniques.

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