Blogging Twilight

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BLOGGING THE TWILIGHT SAGA BY DAN BERGSTEIN

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PREFACE

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TWILIGHT BLOG PART 1 (THE FIRST 50 PAGES)

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 2

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 3

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 4

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 5

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 6

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 7

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 8

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 9

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 10

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 11

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 12

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 13

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 14

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 15

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 16

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 17

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 18

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 19

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 21

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 22

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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 23

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 1

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 2

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 3

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 4

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 5

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 6

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 7

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 8

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 9

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 10

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 11

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 12

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 13

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 14

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 15

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 16

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 18

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 19

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 20

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 21

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 22

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 23

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 24

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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 25

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 1

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 2

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 3

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 4

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 5

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 6

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 7

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 8

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 9

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 10

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 11

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 13

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 14

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 15

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 16

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 17

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 18

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 19

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BLOGGING HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: PART 18 297 BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 20

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 21

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 22

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 23

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 24

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 25

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 26

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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 27

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 1

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 2

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 3

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 5

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 6

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 7

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 8

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 9

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 10

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 11

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 12

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 13

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 14

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 15

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 16

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 17

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAN: PART 18

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 18 (REVISITED)

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 19

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 20

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 21

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 22

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 24

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 25

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 26

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 27

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 28

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 29

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 30

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 31

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 32

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 33

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 34

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 35

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 36

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 37

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 38

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 39

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Blogging Twilight: Preface Your SparkNotes editors are fascinated by Twilight: the Stephen King brouhaha, the copycat vampires, the movie version, the sequel, and most of all, Sparklers' violent hatred of, and love for, the series. So imagine our shock when we learned that one of our favorite writers, Dan Bergstein, had never read the books before! We insisted that he get up to speed on the phenomenon. And, of course, we asked him to blog about his reading experience. Take it away, Dan-o! —SparkNotes editors Before we get started, there are a few things you should know: 1. In the interest of full disclosure: I am a guy. 2. It's not my goal to tear apart the books or make fun of the fan base. In fact, I understand the series' appeal. Twilight is Star Wars for the female set, in terms of pop culture impact. And that's great. Besides, if you love Twilight, or anything else, for that matter, you shouldn't let anyone change your mind or make you feel bad about it. 3. There will be spoilers. To blog about reading the books, I'll need to talk about major plot points. So if you're one of the few who hasn't read them yet, buy the books and read along with me. And if you're a longtime fan, comment and tell me what I'm getting right and wrong. 4. Here's what I know about the series before even cracking the spine: • • • •

Bella is the main character. Edward is a vampire. Bella and Edward fall in love. Edward has crazy hair.

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Twilight Blog Part 1 (The first 50 pages) The Preface Bella's about to die at the hands of the hunter! But she probably won't be killed, if for no other reason than there are four other books to get through. The hunter saunters towards her…and the preface is done. This wins the award for shortest preface ever. Chapter One No vampires here, just a lot of explanation about Bella and her family. Lonely Bella moved to her dad's house in rainy Washington State because her mom is busy traveling around the country. Broken home? Check. Angst-ridden daughter who calls her dad by his first name? Check. Lots of rain and clouds? Check. So far, this seems like the plot of every Sundance award winning film ever made. All that's missing is a shocking, raw sex scene and a few cancer-related deaths. As a homecoming present, Bella's dad buys her a very used truck. And off Bella goes to her first day at a new school. Again, no vampires are mentioned, unless the truck is a vampire. (That would be cool!) At school, she has a rough first day of being "the new kid." People stare, and Bella feels uncomfortable. We quickly meet Eric, whom Bella describes as the chess club type. Bella could have simply told the reader, "I will never kiss Eric." Better yet, she should tell Eric this, because she's just leading the poor guy on. Bella goes through some more classes and eventually ends up at lunch, where she first sees the Cullen/Hale family. These must be the vampires, because they are really attractive and strange. Bella goes on and on about how hot these teens look. Why is attractiveness part of the vampire mythos? It seems unfair to say the least. There should be some overweight vampires or vampires with knobby knees and bad bangs. If only the gorgeous get bitten, it would be smarter to gain a lot of weight than to hang garlic in your room. Easier too. Perhaps later in the book, someone will explain why only attractive people get bitten by vampires. The vamps are Edward, Alice, and Emmet Cullen, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale. When is the last time you read about a vampire named John Smith or Jennifer Johnson? They always have old, historic names. If the vampires are hundreds of years old, that makes sense. But surely new vampires have been created since the turn of the century. Where are the vampires named Jeff Miller or Stacy Rodriguez? Or Beyonce? Still, it could be worse. They could be named Dracula or Angel.

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10 Bella mentions the old names of the vampire clan. But Bella's own name is freaking "Isabella Swan"! Sorry, but people in glass houses shouldn't pose questions about outdated names. Once Bella's done drooling all over them, she finally asks one of her new friends about the Cullen/Hales. Turns out they're adopted by a doctor and his wife, and they all keep to themselves. Some of the adoptive kids are dating one another. Perverts. We all know that Edward is going to be the center of Bella's attention so it's no surprise that Bella is forced to sit next to him during biology class. But the two don't hit it off, as Edward acts scary and distant towards Bella. Perhaps he is afraid of her. But more likely, he doesn't like bragging, and Bella brags quite a bit to the reader. Throughout the first two chapters, she constantly reminds the reader that she's already done the required reading for her new school, and covered the material in her new biology class too. Way to go, Bella. You win. It's no wonder Edward is acting cold. No one likes a braggart, even if she only shows off to herself. After gym class, Bella heads to the office and sees Edward trying to change biology classes. She thinks it's impossible that someone can dislike her so much. I don't like her. She brags too much. Chapter Two The next day at school is better for Bella, as she is starting to get more comfortable. That's pretty much all that happens here. She also cooks for her dad, emails her mom, and brags some more about getting ahead of her homework and rereading Wuthering Heights just for the fun of it. Who does that? At school, she keeps an eye out for Edward, who's absent for a few days. (Bladder infection? Kidney disease? Vamp diarrhea? It's not explained, but one can only guess what a strictly liquid diet does to the digestive tract.). He finally shows up, but now he's the nicest guy on the planet. Bella and Edward have an awkward but pleasant conversation, and Bella notices his eyes have changed colors. They share a moment of electricity when their skin touches. This is either a sign of love, or static electricity. Since static shocks are never mentioned in romance novels, I'll go with the former. (Incidentally, hiccups are never mentioned in romance novels either, unless they are of some symbolic significance. So keep your eyes open for such things.) Since Bella knows everything about biology, she quickly does the assigned lab with Edward. Predictions for the next 50 pages: Edward will send Bella a note that reads: "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes/No." Bella will respond by circling the dash mark. She will continue to boast about how far ahead she is with the readings and biology homework, and tell the reader that she can juggle and lift really heavy things over her head, too.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 2 A few thoughts before we begin: It's too early to tell if I actually enjoy the story, but I don't dread picking up the book. That's a good thing. Thanks to everyone who answered my vampire questions. If I get something wrong, which will happen, please feel free to correct me in the comments. That said, let's get on with the show. Chapter Three Bella can't stop thinking about Edward Cullen. On the drive to school, she isn't sure how to handle all the attention she's getting from boys like Eric (the nerd) and Mike (um…not sure what kind of student Mike is. Let's call him a spaz-dork-skater-surfer-dweeb). She even suggests that things might be easier if everyone ignored her. Unfortunately, I can't ignore her. She arrives at school and notices her dad was kind enough to put chains on her truck tires to prevent her from slipping on the icy, snowy roads of dreary Forks, WA. While she's looking at the chains, something happens. Maybe I'm a poor reader, but it was only after rereading the action scene that I managed to figure out what goes down: A van skids across the icy school parking lot towards Bella. She sees the van and sees Edward, who is far away. Before the van smashes into Bella, Edward miraculously saves her life, utilizing his vampire strength and speed. Bella has no idea how Edward could have come to her aid so fast. But instead of being grateful, she rudely peppers her hero with questions such as, "How did you get here so fast?" Maybe this is how people say thanks in Bella's hometown of Phoenix, AZ. To stop this sudden Spanish Inquisition, Edward says he'll explain everything to her later.

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12 Bella, Edward, and Tyler, who was driving the runaway van, are taken to the hospital. Edward gets to sit up front in the ambulance, probably because he's a vampire and one of their many powers (along with super speed and strength) is the ability to sit shotgun in any vehicle. And speaking of vampire powers: I don't get it. So far, these vamps are very strong and super fast. Plus, as you told me in the comments, they become attractive to help lure their prey. But if they already have incredible strength and speed, why do they need movie star looks? Maybe they're lazy. Or maybe they use their strength and speed to catch the blind, who aren't tempted by the good looks. But whatever the reason, these vampires seem over-powered. And so far, Meyer is introducing more and more abilities with each chapter. At the hospital, Bella pulls Edward aside and demands that he explain how he saved her life. He lies, claiming he was at her side moments before the accident, and telling her she's confused because she bumped her head. She refuses to accept this, and gets angry. After Edward says, "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" she finally and reluctantly offers her thanks. Remind me never to save Bella's life. The rest of the conversation is a petty fight between the two, during which Bella suggests that things would have been better if Edward hadn't saved her at all. She should watch what she says. As anyone who's seen Home Alone or 13 Going on 30 knows, people in fictional stories should be careful what they wish for. Bella leaves the hospital, goes home, and has her first dream about Edward. Prediction: By the end of the series, it will be revealed that along with super strength, good looks, and great speed, the vampires also have heat vision, cloaks of invisibility, and missile-launching kneecaps. Plus, to further entice their victims, vampires make delicious tacos. And to tempt infants, they sprout long sticks from their foreheads with shiny keys attached.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 3 Chapter Four Bella dreams she is trying to catch up with her dream boy, but can't. For the record, I hate dream sequences in books, movies, and TV shows (David Lynch films excepted). It's a very lazy way to tell a story, and the dreams are always prophetic...and boring. My dreams are never profound. They're usually about taking math tests and mowing the carpet. Unless...of course! The carpet represents my innermost desire and the lawnmower symbolizes my other innermost desire! Bella quickly summarizes the month that follows: Edward ignores her. She ignores him. Meanwhile, everyone else at the school is in love with her. There's an upcoming "Girl's Choice" spring dance, which causes a bit of high school drama. Do schools still hold such girls-ask-the-guys dances? I thought they only existed in the 1950s and in movies. Mike wants Bella to ask him to the dance, but Bella's friend Jessica is going to ask Mike to the dance. Mike then asks Bella if Bella is going to ask him to the dance...and then I lost interest. To let all the guys down easy, Bella tells everyone that she's going to Seattle the weekend of the dance. Edward finally apologizes for being rude, but Bella is not listening. She wants the truth. He explains that they can't be friends, and she goes off on the whole "You should have let me die" rant. Eric the nerd asks Bella if she's going to the dance, and she shoots him down. Presumably, Eric goes home and listens to Linkin Park to ease his pain. Bella heads home, thinks about Edward, and cooks chicken. The next day, Edward approaches her in the parking lot and asks if she needs a ride to Seattle next week. Of course, she accepts his offer. (Note to readers: Letting spooky, schizophrenic boys drive you to a major city leads to your tragic story being made into a Lifetime Original Movie. Consider this your warning.) Prediction: Eric will try to impress Bella with his World of Warcraft character. Bella will say, "Oh, that's nice." Eric will misinterprets this comment and run home to tell his mom he finally has a girlfriend. Poor, poor Eric.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 4 Chapter Five At lunch, Edward stares at Bella in the cafeteria and beckons her over to sit with him. They talk for a bit. She describes his eyes as "ocher" on two separate occasions in this chapter. It's a strange word. I'm assuming author Stephenie Meyer ran out of other ways to say "dreamy, sexy gold." Or maybe she has thousands of ways to describe his eyes, but she's saving them for another book, entitled Edward's Eyes Thesaurus. Edward and Bella seem to be striking up a friendship. But he's quick to say, "I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." How coy! We all know that he's not a good friend because he's a vampire. But Bella hasn't figured that out yet. So when he calls himself a bad friend, she must assume this means he cheats at bowling, forwards those annoying chain-letter emails, or spoils movie endings. Bella then stares at Edward's ocher eyes, and says she's trying to figure out what he is, exactly. Among her theories: he's a superhero. Of course, instead of just saying, "I couldn't decide if he was Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker," she says, "I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker." It should be noted that no one has ever used the word "vacillating" when talking to themselves. It sounds like an air-conditioning term, or something Mr. Burns would say. Their conversation continues, and Bella gets frustrated that Edward is being sly about his true self. All of this could have been avoided if she'd done what I do when confronted with a super-sexy member of the opposite sex who has mood disorders: I simply ask them bluntly, "Are you a vampire?" and "Can I kiss your mouth?" The conversation drops to a sexy whisper. Bella says that Edward isn't bad. He whispers back, "You're wrong." For fun, I recommend reading this conversation as if Bella and Edward are screaming their quotes. It's also fun to add "dumb ass" to the end of every one of their lines of dialogue throughout the entire book. Try it yourself! Bella realizes she's going to be late for biology, and Edward tells her he's skipping class. We quickly learn why: The biology teacher is requiring the students to prick their fingers to determine their blood type. In this age of AIDS education, I find it unlikely that

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15 bloodletting would be assigned in the classroom. Perhaps this teacher will also conduct biology labs called "Everybody Smoke," and "Let's Find Out What Knives Taste Like." At the sight of blood, Bella gets squeamish and nearly faints. Mike offers to take her to the nurse. As they walk to the other building, two things happen. First, Bella needs to lie down on the cement. And second, I realize that whoever built this school in rain-drenched Washington was an idiot. Build a damn hallway. Or tunnels. Also, from what I gather, this is a pretty small school, so why does it feel like Penn State University as the kids walk from building to building? Edward, who has been chilling in his car, listening to music, spots Mike and Bella, and offers to take her the rest of the way to the nurse. Mike gets angry, but doesn't put up too much of a fight. Edward carries the limp Bella to the nurse. Bella feels a bit better, but then realizes she has gym next period. Edward charms the nurse into letting him take her home for the rest of the day. Before getting to the car, Bella asks Edward if he's going to the beach party this weekend, but he says he isn't. I'm with Ed on this one. Beach parties in cold, rainy weather are like wiping your nose with a damp tissue. On the ride home, Edward listens to classical music. Guess what? Bella likes classical music, too! They talk about her family, and he asks if her mother would approve of her dating someone scary. And then he says, "Do you think that I could be scary? (dumb ass)" To which I reply yes. Anyone can be scary if given a hatchet and clown makeup. Edward drops Bella off at her house. He doesn't bite her. And the chapter ends. Prediction: Bella vacillates. During the vacillating, an enemy tries to shoot her in the head, but a stranger leaps in front of the bullet, saving her life. Before dying from the gunshot wound, the brave hero looks up into Bella's eyes and hears her whine, "Who are you? Eww blood. Where did you come from? You're so difficult. I wish you didn't save my..." and then the stranger dies. Bella mutters under her breath, "Thanks...I guess.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 5 A few thoughts before we begin: Thank you for all the feedback. One commenter asked if I would date Bella (assuming she was real). I think the better question is: Would Bella date me? Probably not. I'm happy, not moody. I'm friendly, not cryptic. And my only superpower is the ability to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat," in a round, by myself. It won't save a life, but it usually gets a laugh. So you can stop writing Dan Marries Bella fan fiction; it's just not very realistic. Chapter Six Werewolves! Yay! This is the best chapter so far. When it comes to monsters, I'd much rather hang out with werewolves than vampires. I imagine chilling with vampires means sitting on uncomfortable Victorian sofas, wearing frilly shirts and capes, holding candlesticks, and saying things like, "The hour grows late. Soon our eternal hunger will be momentarily sated as we caress the night with our presence." (Or, perhaps, "One balloon. Mwah ha ha. Two balloons. Mwah ha ha. Three balloons! Mwah ha ha…") Whereas hanging out with werewolves, I assume, means watching TV, goofing around, and stitching clothing back together. Of course, the Twilight werewolves might turn out to be prissy puppies. And they'll almost certainly have too many superpowers, such as flight, the ability to summon dragons, and a time machine. The chapter begins with Bella meeting up with her non-vampire friends and heading to the beach for a party. There are too many kids here to keep track of, including a boy named Ben and some other guy who's not named Ben. Lauren, who I forgot about, is mean to Bella. Perhaps she's jealous. Or perhaps Lauren is Eric in disguise. Everyone is hanging out, having a good time. Bella goes off to check out the tide pools, and when she comes back, there are even more people at the party. The new gang is from the nearby reservation. Among them is a 15-year-old guy named Jacob Black. I'm assuming this is the same person of Team Jacob fame. If so, sign me up, because from what I've read so far, I like this kid.

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17 The mean-spirited Lauren then asks Bella why Edward didn't come to the beach, prompting an older Native American teen to say that the Cullens aren't welcome at La Push (La Push is the name of the area. It sounds like the name of a French rapper, doesn't it? Or possibly a rugby play.) Bella's mind starts racing, and she uses her female charms to flirt with Jacob in hopes of getting some information on the No Cullen Rule. Jacob and Bella take a walk. He explains that his people are descendants of wolves who can transform into men. The werewolves have only one enemy, "the cold ones." (This is just a creepy way of saying "vampires." People love using vampire synonyms to sound spooky. You can also use the terms Blood Drinkers, Creatures of the Night, MosquitoMen, Vampyrs, Vamp [long pause] Pires, V@mp1r3s, and Pretty Night Things That Bite). According to Jacob, werewolves and vampires don't get along. I wonder why these groups are always pitted against each other. A more interesting and original feud would be between vampires and were-rhinos. I'm sure this question will get answered later in the series, but doesn't it seem unfair for the vampires to be picking on the wolves? Vampires are always powerful, but it's my understanding that werewolves are only powerful during a full moon. Is it just by coincidence that the vamps have only attacked the werewolves every 29.5305 days? It turns out that a long time ago, some of the vampires stopped hunting humans and became more civilized. These civil vamps made a deal with the werewolves: if the vampires stayed away from the werewolf territory, the werewolves would leave them alone. Of course, the civil vamps are the Cullens. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this truce will be broken at some point in the series. Jacob seems like a nice guy, and relates the history of werewolves and vampires with a wink, neither confirming nor denying the existence of the monsters. Bella, however, is gullible. A 15-year-old kid tells her vampires are real, and suddenly she's a believer. What little hope I had that I'd learn to like Bella just flew out the window. Prediction: Jacob tells Bella that he once played drums with Green Day, came up with the idea for LOST, and has a long-distance relationship with a supermodel who lives in Italy. Bella believes every word.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 6 Chapter Seven Not much happens here. Bella goes into the woods alone to debate the existence of vampires for what seems like eighty pages. She finally comes to the conclusion that she should remain friends with Edward, even if he's a vamp. She also tells us that making decisions is not one of her strong suits. For the sake of argument, let's say a teenager told me monsters are real, and I believed him. I wouldn't go jaunting off alone into the wilderness to contemplate monsters. That's where monsters live! Instead, I'd buy some guns, a helmet, a diamond-edged chainsaw, a whip, whip instructions, neck camouflage, and a smaller helmet (in case I get a haircut and the first helmet no longer fits). Then I'd hide in the basement and wait. Anyway, Bella goes to school and Mike asks her out...again. And Bella shoots him down...again. Bella notices that the Cullens are absent and she gets sad. Jessica and Angela invite her to go dress shopping. She agrees, and the thought of an entire chapter devoted to dress shopping worries me. Chapter EightJessica, Angela, and Bella go to Port Angeles to shop for dresses. Bella isn't going to the dance, but she's still along for the ride and to offer advice. The girls tell her that Tyler is going to ask her to prom. Typical high school drama ensues. Bella asks Angela if it's normal for the Cullens to miss school. According to Angela, the Cullen clan doesn't come to school when it's sunny outside. Instead, they go backpacking. Add truancy to the list of vampire powers. Or perhaps the attendance policy at Forks High School allows pretty people to skip class. Jessica and Angela go back to the car to drop off their dresses before dinner, while Bella searches for a bookstore. She doesn't find one, but she does end up in the bad part of Port Angeles, where a group of unsavory men follow her. She panics, remembering that her pepper spray is at home, and tries desperately to get back to a safe part of town. While being followed, Bella decides not to run, because she is so clumsy that she'll fall. I'm beginning to worry that her clumsiness has less to do with 18

19 coordination and more to do with brain tumors. Can a person be this clumsy without being either gravely ill or a character in a Ben Stiller movie? The bad dudes eventually corner Bella near a warehouse, and just when I've assumed the rest of the books are about her funeral, Edward drives up in his Volvo. She gets in the car, and they drive away. At this point in the book, I can't remember if Bella and Edward are friends. He's acting all scary and tough in the car as they speed away, and demands that she start talking about inane things to help calm him down. He says he sometimes has a problem with his temper. To soothe the bad boy, Bella tells him about Tyler's prom plan. The chatter eventually cools Edward. They head over to the restaurant, where they meet Jessica and Angela, who are leaving. They're glad that Bella is OK, but they must not have been too worried, because they ate without her. How very rude. Especially since, according to my literary clock, all of thirty minutes have passed. Did the two girls give up waiting after a minute and say to themselves, "Well, Bella's probably OK in this town she's never been to before. And if she was murdered and raped, there's little we could do to help. Besides, I'm starving, and I smell lasagna. I'm totally getting lasagna." Edward acts like a gentleman and takes Bella to dinner at the restaurant, telling Jessica that he will drive her home. The hostess and the waitress are both dazzled by Edward, and Bella feels a bit jealous. Edward, of course, doesn't eat, but insists that Bella get some food because she'll likely go into shock after what just happened to her. She sucks down a few sodas, and they start talking. She isn't brave enough to ask, "Are you a vampire?" But she does beat around the bush for the rest of the chapter. During the course of the conversation, Bella asks if Edward can read minds. During a rather confusing and awkward conversation, he admits that he can read minds, but not her mind. (Brain tumor! I'm telling you!) It's funny that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. I can read her thoughts just fine. Perhaps I'm a super vampire.He says that he was reading Jessica's mind, and used that information, along with his keen tracking abilities, to find Bella. It just so happened he arrived in time to save her. Bella takes the news that Edward can read minds very well. She doesn't seem shocked. Rather, she reacts as if he just admitted he can play the saxophone. I think a normal person would make him prove his ability, or take him to Vegas to clean up at high-stakes poker tournaments. Or, at the very least, scream, "That's so cool!" Edward says his instincts are telling him to go find those guys who wanted to harm Bella and kill them. He's doing everything in his power to ignore those instincts. He's so tormented. Poor guy. Maybe he needs a hobby to help him relax, like knitting or banana sticker collecting.

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20 They leave the restaurant and head home. There are more questions to be asked, such as, "Seriously, why don't we go to Vegas?" and "Are you a vampire?" and "Wasn't it, like, totally rude of Jessica and Angela to eat without me?" But that will have to wait for the ride home. Predictions: On the way home, Bella gets stung by a bee. Edward freaks out, and struggles to resist the urge to kill the bee. Finally, he screams and bashes his head against the steering wheel to let out his frustration.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 7 A few thoughts before we begin: A couple hundred pages into the book, there's no villain to be found. The preface set up a life-and-death situation that Bella will encounter at some point. But since no bad guys have been introduced (except the thugs in Port Angeles), I'm left wondering if the hunter mentioned in the preface isn't Eric gone berserk, wearing bright orange hunting gear. I hope the baddie shows up soon, because these chapters were a bit boring, repetitive, boring, and repetitive. Chapter Nine On the ride home, Edward admits that he was able to follow Bella's scent in Port Angeles. Strong noses are another vampire power, I suppose. He also says that of all the vampires, he's the only one who can read minds. At this point, I'm not even going to try keeping track of super powers. Let's assume these vampires can do whatever the heck they want. Bella finally asks a reasonable question: how does mind-reading work? Edward explains that the closer he is to the person, the easier it is to read her mind. Bella asks why he can't read her mind, and he says he has no idea, theorizing that perhaps her brainwaves work on a different frequency than normal people's. Or maybe Bella, like my grandma, thinks in German, and Edward doesn't speak the language. During this conversation, Edward is flying down the highway (not literally, although I assume he could actually fly if he wanted to). His reckless driving scares Bella, but Eddie says, "I hate driving slow." I'm pretty sure "I Hate Driving Slow" is also the name of a grisly driver's ed film. Bella finally confesses that she talked with Jacob Black, and that Black told her Edward was a vampire. She tells Edward that even if he is a vampire, it doesn't matter. She still likes him. After all, it's what's on the outside that counts, right? Edward then confesses he's been 17 for a while now. I've read somewhere that he's really 100 years old, but even if he's just 40, this relationship is beyond gross. I'm guessing vampires maintain the appearance they had at whatever age they were bitten. So if Edward had been transformed into a vampire at the age of 60, he would still be lusting after Bella, but look like your grandfather. Put another way: Despite his appearance,

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22 Edward is an old man. At some point in the series, author Stephenie Meyer better explain why this isn't icky, or else I'm getting my "Twilight Makes Sense" tattoo removed. Bella then goes through the list of vampire myths. Edward says vamps don’t sleep in coffins, because they don't sleep at all. They probably just nap. He also explains that he doesn't feed on humans, though it's difficult to resist them sometimes. This brings up another question I hope gets answered later: If humans are food for vampires, why would Edward be attracted to Bella? It's like a regular guy falling in love with a bowl of soup. Edward continues to drive like a maniac, and tells Bella that he only hunts animals because he doesn't want to be a monster. If he doesn't want to be a monster, why can't he find a cure? A vampire bite turns a human into a vampire, right? So it stands to reason that if a normal person bites a vampire, the vamp will turn into a normal person. (This is why I bite people who I suspect are vampires, and also why I'm no longer allowed within 50 feet of the quiet, creepy bearded guy from Ace of Cakes).Also, there are endless supplies of blood around, from used Band-aids to puffy gums. If Ed craves the taste of human blood, I'm sure he could find a harmless way to get some. Or why not go to war? He could serve his country and have a buffet at the same time. Edward admits that while hunting with his brother, he felt anxious because he was away from Bella. He says he's drawn to her for some unexplainable reason, and feels he must protect her. Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm. Edward says he misses school on sunny days because the sun affects vampires—although he won't say how, exactly. (I assume the sun gives them headaches. I know how that feels, especially if you're driving. Don't even get me started.) They talk some more, and I swear I read this exact same conversation a few chapters ago. Edward says he's dangerous. Bella says she doesn't care. And I zone out and begin to wonder if hats or helmets were invented first. (I'm going with helmets.) They make it back to Bella's house. Edward warns Bella, "Don't go into the woods alone." (No wait…I change my answer to hats. But, like, a really thick hat.)Throughout the car ride, Bella tells us how wonderful Edward smells, saying, "His breath blew in my face, stunning me." This may give young women unrealistic expectations about how men smell. It's also possible that Bella has never smelled Axe deodorant mixed with the scent of Listerine before, and finds the combination enchanting. Bella leaves Edward and goes inside. She remembers her jacket is still in Jessica's car, so she calls Jessica and promises to give her all the details of this pseudo-date at school tomorrow. The chapter ends with Bella telling us, "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Really? She hardly knows the dude. She doesn't even know his middle name, his political ideas, his favorite TV show, or his thoughts on the whole helmet/hat debate. All she knows is that he's a vampire, he's pretty, and he "hates driving slow." Bella is just romanticizing the time she spent with him. It's sort of like saying, "This is the best movie ever" after the first twenty minutes of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and then at about the twohour mark, realizing you should have seen The Dark Knight instead.

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23 Predictions: When not driving fast, bad boy Edward also enjoys jaywalking, saying, "I hate walking along designated areas at intersections."

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Blogging Twilight: Part 8 Chapter Ten Bella wakes up and worries that her fabulous date was all a dream. But it wasn't. She collects her school stuff and heads out the door, only to find Edward waiting for her. He offers her a ride to school. We know from the last chapter that Edward doesn't sleep. What does he do all night, if he's not out killing animals? If I were him, I'd host midnight garage sales. Not only would this eliminate competition from the typical early-morning garage sales, but the customers would be hip young people who wouldn't care that the Snoopy puzzle is missing eight pieces, instead of the usual old, loud-mouthed bargain hunters who try to talk you into knocking sixteen cents off the price of your old laundry basket. Bella sniffs Edward's jacket again and says his smell is even better today. They arrive at school, where Edward reads Jessica's mind to learn what types of questions she's going to bombard Bella with later. Jessica wants to know if Edward and Bella are dating, and how Bella feels about Edward. He lets Bella know about the forthcoming questions, and tells her that they should classify themselves as dating. Bella isn't sure how to answer Jessica's second questions, because Edward will no doubt be reading Jessica's mind when Bella spills her guts. Mike doesn't ask Bella out. When Bella gets to trig class, Jessica is there waiting for all the gossip. The two girls exchange information. Bella admits that she did not kiss Edward. After more girl talk, she gives in and admits that she likes Edward...a lot. She's worried that she likes him more than he likes her. After class, Edward is waiting for Bella. The two go to lunch together. She asks him to eat pizza to see what happens when a vampire eats people food. He takes a bite and says it's like eating dirt; he can do it, but it's not fun. He says he read Jessica's mind, and is bothered by the fact that Bella thinks she likes him more than he likes her. The two engage in a strange conversation about who loves who more. During the talk, she says, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." What the heck does this mean?

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25 It only gets worse when he says, "If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe." Again, I'm not sure what this means, and suspect it's just some random words lined up. I think a more realistic conversation between two teens, even if one is a vampire, would go something like this: BELLA: Hey. EDWARD: Hey. BELLA: What's up? EDWARD: I don't know. BELLA: Yeah. EDWARD: ... BELLA: Um...I like you more than you like me. EDWARD: Shut up. That's stupid. BELLA: No it's not. [Giggles] EDWARD: I...uh...I... BELLA: Yeah. EDWARD: I like you more than you like me. BELLA: For real? EDWARD: Yep. [Looks at shoes] BELLA: Cool. What's the deal with werewolves? EDWARD: I don't know. They're so lame. BELLA: Totes. EDWARD: I know, right? I can read minds. BELLA: Yeah, I know. You already told me that. EDWARD: [Fiddles with shoe string] Wanna see how high I can jump, after school? BELLA: Um...all right, I guess. EDWARD: Cool. Their conversation goes back to the whole "It's dangerous for us to be together, but even more dangerous for us to be apart" thing. They then talk about the upcoming trip to Seattle, and Bella demands to do the driving. She asks about hunting, and Edward says he and his brother like to hunt bears, but his favorite animals to hunt are mountain lions. The thoughtful guy quickly adds, "We have to be careful not to impact the environment with the injudicious hunting." Bella asks if she could watch them hunt sometime, and he freaks out, saying absolutely not. I'm assuming this is because he hunts in the nude. Predictions: Bella tells Edward, "When I look at your eyes, the soul I see reflects the goodbyes of tomorrow but longs for the hello of yesteryear." Edward replies, "Being with you is wrong, but if it's right to be with you, than I'd rather be not-right. Without the wrongness we can never hurt together with harm?"

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Blogging Twilight: Part 9

Chapter Eleven Bella and Edward go to biology class together. She spends the entire class telling us about Edward and how sexy-fun it is to sit close to him. After class, he touches her face, which should seem erotic, but I'm picturing a 100-year-old man sensually touching a 17-year-old girl's face, which is both goofy and disgusting. In gym class, Mike shows up again and asks Bella if she's with Edward now. Mike says, "He looks at you I like...like you're something to eat." This reinstates my point from a previous post: I've never looked romantically at a cow or stroked a cow's face just because I was hungry for a hamburger. Bella meets up with Edward in the parking lot. He says he doesn't like Mike. This makes her mad, because it means he's reading other people's minds as a way to eavesdrop on her conversations. He apologizes. Bella asks Edward why she can't see him hunt, and he explains that hunting is primitive, scary, and frantic. He's worried he would hurt her during the hunt, as he becomes a slave to his instincts. Again...he's dating a cheeseburger, more or less...if you think about it. There's also a few dozen paragraphs about Edward's eyes in this chapter. Does this guy not have ears, nostrils, or lips? Why can't Bella tells us what his other features are like? For instance, "At the talk of hunting, his sideburns flexed with desire, and his nose suddenly resembled the mighty bow of an inverted ship." Better yet, "His Adam's apple is lovely." Before Bella goes inside her house, Edward says tomorrow it's his turn to ask the questions. The next morning, Bella and her dad talk for a bit, and he leaves for work. Edward shows up to drive Bella to school. Meanwhile, Bella's truck is probably sad. Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as: "What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"

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27 In biology, Edward touches Bella's face again. But this time, he uses the back of his hand. In the world of face-erotica, that's like getting to second base. How scandalous. Edward drives Bella home and the inane questions continue, as he asks what she misses most about home. While sitting in front of her house, she asks what time it is, and Edward responds, "It's twilight." If I were making the movie, I'd rearrange scenes so that this would be the last line of the film, and just as he says, "twilight," a power-pop song would blare as the credits roll. But that's just me... Bella is worried that her dad will be home soon, and Edward suddenly gets a strange feeling. A car stops a few feet away from them. Edward gives it a mean stare, before kicking Bella out of the car and driving away. Jacob and his dad Billy are in the other car. Bella realizes that her situation is very complicated, as she is in the middle of a monster war. Predictions: The situation is further complicated when it's revealed that Bella's father is an alien and her mom is a predator. Also, Mike is a Yankees fan and Jessica is a Red Sox fan. And Eric is made of oil, while Angela is made of water.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 10

A few thoughts before we begin: Thanks for the feedback. I even enjoy hearing from the haters. To answer a frequently-asked question, yes, I plan to blog about the other books in the series as well. Heck, if there's a demand, I'll blog about eating Twilight-themed Sweetarts, sleeping on Edward Cullen pillowcases, and setting sail on the Twilight cruise. As for the story itself, maybe my own preconceived notions are to blame, but I thought that at some point in a vampire tale, there would be some blood or spookiness. Hopefully things will get better… Chapter Twelve The chapter begins with Jacob and his dad Billy stopping by for a visit. While Billy and Bella's dad watch sports, Jacob hangs out with Bella in the kitchen, asking about the mysterious man in the car. Bella finally tells him it was Edward Cullen. Instead of acting dramatic, Jacob just laughs. He seems like a pretty down-to-earth character. His dad, however, is mildly suspicious of Bella. No one turns into a wolf, not even for a little bit. The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles? Edward continues with his boring questions about Bella's past, finding out that she didn't have any boyfriends back in Phoenix. At school, he tells her that he's going to skip class later with his sister Alice to go hunting, meaning Bella won't have a ride home from school. She says she can easily walk home, but Ed says her truck will somehow show up at the end of the day. She wonders how he can pull this off, since the truck keys are hidden in a pair of pants under a pile in her laundry room. Even if Ed and Alice are expert cat burglars, they won't know where the key is. But she says nothing, and waits to see if Edward can really do it. Meanwhile the werewolves are probably doing ridiculously awesome things, but instead we have to read about boring Bella.

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29 Edward explains that he needs to go hunting if they are going to spend tomorrow together. He doesn't want to get vampy on Bella during their first real date. He says that of all his siblings, Alice is the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. The other vampires are worried it will lead to trouble. They give Bella mean stares during lunch. Alice seems fun and friendly. Thank God. If I had to deal with a female version of moody Edward, I might give up on the series. Alice and Edward are about to leave school so they can kill animals when Edward makes Bella promise that she'll be careful. He's overprotective and acts like a father, not a boyfriend. I half-expected him to remind Bella to eat vegetables, wear a sweater, and avoid using her real name in chat rooms, because that's how cyber criminals find victims. Before leaving, he touches Bella's face. During gym, Mike asks about Bella's plans for the weekend, and she confesses that she's not going to Seattle, but instead is just going to hang out and study. Mike, being an idiot, asks her to come to the dance. Bella, in no uncertain terms, rejects him. At the end of school, she walks to parking lot and finds her truck, just as Edward had promised. How did it get there? Maybe he snuck into her house and found the key. Or maybe he took Bella's dad hostage and demanded to know where the keys were while Alice held a knife to Charlie's throat. Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:

Hey Isabelly, I wrote this rap for you: Promise not to die And don't be a liar I like to kill bears 'Cause I'm a vampire Holla! Later hater, Ed-weird

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P.S. I want to touch your face so hard! Bella goes home, talks to her dad, and then takes cold medicine to help her sleep. This is not a very good message to be sending to young readers. Cold medicine is a gateway drug to heroin and hobo murder. The next morning, Edward shows up bright and early and the two head out to a mysterious destination in Bella's truck. On the ride to mystery land, he gets very angry about the fact that she didn't let anyone know where she was going. He's scared that something bad will happen. This is confusing. If he's worried that he's going to kill her, what difference does it make if anyone knows where she is? She'd still be dead. If Edward is concerned about being alone with Bella, she could make herself less desirable by not shaving her armpits and peeing her pants. Or she could simply talk about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. (Guys hate that). Edward knows how to treat a lady. Instead of making Bella watch him play Call of Duty for a few hours before going out to Burger King, he takes her hiking in a seemingly enchanted, romantic forest. While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short paragraph or two about rain and badminton. Finally, the two reach an area of the forest where sunlight is shining, and Edward steps into the light to show what happens when vamps catch some rays. This is set up in an exciting way, making it seem as though something wonderful, amazing, and jawdropping will happen. And then the chapter ends. I'm assuming that when he steps into the light, Edward's eyes will water a bit and he'll sneeze, because sometimes, that happens to me. Predictions: For their second date, Edward takes Bella to a romantic castle. For their third date, he takes her to a romantic deserted island. For their fourth date, they go to TGIFridays and he lets her order an appetizer and a dessert. For their fifth date, they go to a unicorn farm.

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Blogging Twilight: Part 11 Chapter Thirteen A better title for this chapter would have been "26 Pages of Touching." The chapter begins with Edward hanging out in the sun, which means we finally see how solar power affects the Twilight vamps: It makes them glitter. (You can't see this, but I'm rolling my eyes. Also, my socks don't match. Don't judge me.) I wasn't sure what to expect when Ed gets hit with sunbeams, but if all that happens is that he sparkles, color me disappointed. Does sparkling serve a purpose, besides letting vampires blend in at rave parties or at Lady Gaga concerts? Bella loves the glitter. Not to harp on the sparkle ability, but would it really turn a girl on? It seems rather feminine. Perhaps in the first draft of the story, when Edward stepped into the light, he also sprouted pigtails, hair ribbons, and those socks with the pom-poms on the ankle. Bella describe Edward for a few paragraphs, and then the arm touching begins and Eddie likes it, a lot. He freaks out and runs away. Then walks back. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I read this part correctly. But that's what I think happens. They talk and Edward says that he doesn't need all of his super powers. He shows off a bit by running around in a circle and breaking pieces of wood. He explains that all this power and attractiveness helps vampires hunt. Later in this chapter, he talks about hiding from the rest of the world. Why all the secrecy? Vamps are obviously superior to humans, so they shouldn't be afraid of us. In fact, they should have enslaved us by now. Edward and Bella then talk for a long time about fear and danger and how this relationship is doomed. These kids need something else to talk about, as right now, they are the most boring couple in the history of romance. The relationship between Mike and Jessica, or between Eric and his Babylon 5 memorabilia is more interesting than this dull duo. Edward explains that each vampire is drawn to a particular kind of scent/flavor of human, and Isabella is his favorite flavor. He likens his desire to drink her blood to a drug addict craving his vice of choice. "You're exactly my brand of heroin," he says. Because this is a

romance novel, lines like that seem to work. But I bet if a normal guy said that to a normal girl, the girl (if she had any sense at all) would be put off. It's a pretty stalker-ish thing to say. Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood, why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end. Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that, they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining. Edward says that his brother Jasper is new to the "don't eat humans" rule and hasn't yet figured out that some people taste better than others. His brother Emmet, however, has come across a few of his favorite flavors, and he couldn't resist killing them. So if you taste good, look out. We now understand why Edward acted so strange on Bella's first day of school. He wanted to drink her blood very, very badly. After that day, he ditched town and went to Alaska to think things through. After some heavy ruminating and animal-blood-drinking in Alaska, he came to the conclusion that killing Bella was bad and he shouldn't eat her. That's nice of him. It's like a normal guy promising his new girlfriend that he won't text his ex-girlfriend. But as most girls know, such a promise is rarely kept. If I were Bella, I'd invest in some metal turtlenecks. (And snoop around on his cell phone when he's not looking. Am I right, ladies? Mmm-hmm.) Edward confesses, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever." Bella responds with, "I would rather die than stay away from you." That's pretty typical first date chit-chat, no? Then Edward compares himself to a lion falling in love with a lamb. I'm no zoologist, but I don't think lions eat a lot of sheep. A better analogy would be a lion falling in love with a slow zebra, or a lamb assassin falling in love with a lamb, or melting glacier caused by global warming falling in love with a polar bear. Edward says one of the things that switched him into crazy mode was the odor of Bella's throat. Interesting. If vampires love necks, Danny DeVito shouldn't worry about being attacked, but giraffes have much to fear. This conversation is followed by some neck touching, which is just as naughty as facetouching except there's less chance of boogers. The touching goes on and on. Chances are good that Bella's face will be rubbed raw by chapter's end. Explaining a chapped face to Charlie isn't going to be fun. During the touching, Ed gets his hungry eyes, and says Bella cannot begin to understand the confusion he's feeling.

For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle. The lovers rest in the meadow until it begins to get dark. Instead of hiking back to the car, Bella hops on Edward's back and he races through the forest. This feat of strength brings up yet another question: How does a vampire's metabolism work? Athletes need to eat tons of food to offset all the calories they burn. It stands to reason that vampires are burning an even greater number of calories as they run and lift heavy objects. Plus, they never sleep to rest their bodies, and I don't think blood has many carbohydrates, unless you make some sort of blood bread. So how can vampires possibly go for days, or longer, without drinking blood? This is confusing. Please don't tell me the answer is "magic," because if that's the case, why would they have to drink blood at all? They finally make it back to the truck. Bella's in a state of shock after being carried through the forest at high speeds. Before leaving, they stare at each other and finally kiss. This gets Bella too excited and she can't control herself. Edward has to step back before he kills her with passion. Between the kiss and the forest run, Bella is a bit out of sorts. In a somewhat sexist fashion, Edward asks if he can drive back. At first she won't let him, but then, because she is just too smitten, she allows him to drive. And the two head home. Prediction: On the ride home, Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care. Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care. Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care. Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care....

Blogging Twilight: Part 12 Chapter Fourteen After the touch-fest, Edward drives Bella home. On the way, he listens to an oldies radio station, which prompts Bella to ask about his age. He finally admits that he was born in 1901. He was suffering from Spanish influenza in 1918 when Carlisle saved his life by transforming him into a vampire. He says the process was very painful. We then get a rundown on the Cullen family history. After saving Edward, Carlisle saved Esme, who I think is Carlisle's wife. Carlisle seems like the nicest guy in the world. Not only did he save Edward's life, but he later made a girl vampire, Rosalie, for Edward to hug and kiss. But their relationship never blossomed, and Edward thinks of her as a sister. Rosalie found the human Emmet in the forest, suffering from a brutal bear attack, and took him to Carlisle, who saved his life by turning him into a vampire. Rosalie and Emmet then fell in love. Vampire Alice, who can predict the future, found vampire Jasper walking around, and they went to see nice-guy Carlisle. And that's how they became a family. But if Carlisle can save people's lives by turning them into vampires, why doesn't he do so all the time? Why has he only saved three kids and one woman? (Alice and Jasper were already vampires when they came to the family.) There are many deserving people in the world who are suffering from diseases and maulings; why couldn't Carlisle have saved them, instead of this handful of whiny, dying teens? Edward explains that most vampires are nomads and loners. Families like his are rare because grouping together can bring unwanted attention to their species. Again, why is vampirism such a secret? It's 2009. Stand up and be proud of who you are. During the family history talk, Edward and Bella arrive back at her house. Her stomach growls and Edward realizes he completely forgot that humans need food. She invites him inside. He knows where the spare house key is, and admits that he comes to Bella's house every night and watches her sleep. Obviously, she freaks out.

Edward's behavior is wrong on many different levels. If a real person did this, regardless of his looks and personality, a girl would be a fool to befriend him, let alone smooch him. Even if you're in a long-term, loving relationship, watching your significant other sleep every night is a violation of trust. Besides, Edward could be doing more productive things with his evenings, such as starting a midnight basketball program or stopping good people from dying by turning them into vampires. He's so selfish. Bella is a little ticked off about Edward's nighttime activities because she talks in her sleep and is worried that she muttered something embarrassing. But he tells her she never said anything bad. While Bella is heating up lasagna, her father comes home and Edward quickly disappears. Bella and her dad talk, and she gulps down her lasagna and goes to her room. She looks out the window for Edward, but he's already in the room because he's a perverted stalker. Bella is so excited, and tells Edward to stay put while she takes a shower. After the shower, they talk, and there's more neck touching. He says he's getting better at controlling his desire to kill her, explaining that it's a struggle of mind over matter. They talk about danger...again. Because being away from her scent will only make Edward want to kill her more, Bella invites him to stay the night. He then admits that emotions are difficult and explains how jealous he felt when Mike asked Bella out. When that happened, he wanted to know why Bella turned down Mike. Since he couldn't read her mind, the only logical thing to do was sneak into her house at night, watch her sleep, and hope that she talked as she snoozed. Or, if he were sane, he could have just asked her how she felt. Edward then describes Mike as "vile," which is strange, because Mike isn't an old man who sneaks into teenagers' windows at night to watch them slumber. Bella says she doesn't understand how Edward can be attracted to her, but not to Rosalie. He emphasizes the fact that Rosalie is his sister. And he adds that no one has made him feel love until he met Bella. He's been waiting 90 years for her. She says this doesn't seem fair; she didn't have to wait a lifetime to find her true love like Edward did. He then goes off on the danger-talk again, saying Bella is putting her life in jeopardy every time they are together, so even though he had to wait nearly a century for love, she still has the raw end of the deal. Charlie comes in to check on Bella, and Edward hides. When Charlie is gone, Edward gets back in bed with Bella and smells her, describing her odor as "Lavender or freesia." He's probably smelling Bella's soap, as she just got out of the shower. I think Suave makes a Freesian shampoo.

Ed says the Cullens are trying to rise above their desires. Just because they were dealt the desire to drink blood doesn't mean they need to act like animals. They strive to remain somewhat human. I'm reminded of that video of the waterskiing squirrel: like Ed, he's trying to attain some level of humanity. Bella asks a very reasonable question: Why do vampires get individual super powers on top of their already heightened abilities? Edward doesn't know, but Carlisle has a theory that whatever ability you had as a human gets magnified when you become a vampire. I have a theory too: Stephenie Meyers just made this up as she went along, and mindreading seemed like a fun power. As a human, Edward was sensitive to people's thoughts, so as a vamp, he can read minds. Alice probably had some precognition abilities as a human, so now can tell the future, and Emmet was a strong human so he's an even stronger vampire. Jasper can manipulate the emotions of those around him because...well, I'm sure at some point in this story he will need to do just that. I understand those powers, sort of. But then Edward says Carlisle's special power is compassion and Esme's power is love. Those aren't super powers. Those are words plucked from a Hallmark Movie Channel advertisement. And Rosalie's "power" is tenaciousness. Aquaman has better powers than this. I picture Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie as a crimefighting team. When confronted with a bad situation, Carlisle shouts, "I'll use my compassion to stop the army of evil robots. Esme, use your power of love to free the prisoners, and Rosalie, use your stubbornness to thwart the mad doctor. Cullens attack!" And then all three are killed instantly. There's some talk about where vampires came from, but no one really seems to know. Edward says vampirism might be caused by evolution, or perhaps God was involved. Bella asks about sex, only she never uses the word. Edward tells her it would be dangerous because if he loses control, he would kill her instantly with his strength. Of course, since the word sex is never mentioned, and the act is only alluded to, Bella might have been asking if vampires can play Wii Boxing. Read the last two pages of this chapter with Wii Boxing in mind instead of sex and the conversation still makes sense. Edward then hums a lullaby and Bella falls asleep. Prediction: Edward admits that along with sneaking into Bella's room at night, he's also been stealing hair from her hairbrush and using it to brush his teeth. And he's filled 19 notebooks with the sentence "I (heart) Bella Cullen 4-Ever." And he's been going through her trash and using her old tissues to make an altar where they can be married. Bella thinks all of this is terrific.

Blogging Twilight: Part 13

A few thoughts before we begin: To those who encouraged me to stick with the book, you were right. It's getting (a little) better. The story is still slow for my taste, but at least things are heading towards a conflict. Chapter Fifteen Bella wakes up and Edward is in her room, like he promised. She's so excited to see him sitting in her rocking chair that she runs over and jumps into his lap. This is gross, but I'm picturing a grandfather holding his granddaughter on his knee, and expecting Edward to say something like, "You kids today are so spoiled with your Tweeters and your MyFaces. When I was your age, all we had was a ball and world wars to keep us busy." Edward tells Bella that her dad left, so the two of them are all alone. She asks for a "human minute," which is her cute way of excusing herself to the bathroom. When she returns, Bella realizes that Edward is wearing different clothing than he had on last night. She gets a bit ticked off because this means Edward didn't stay with her the entire night. He says it would be scandalous if the neighbors saw him emerge from her house wearing the same clothes he wore last night. I'm thinking Ed actually left because he needed to use the restroom and only feels comfortable at home. Edward says that while sleeping, Bella professed her love for him out loud. Having slept in the same room as a night-babbler, I know that when people talk in their sleep, their pronouncements make no sense. So I imagine Bella really said something like, "I don't want [inaudible M-sound] soup. Love Edward Cullen and ten [SNORT] dollars! Grocery?" But that wouldn't have been as romantic.

She's a bit embarrassed, but does whisper "I love you" to Edward to prove that it wasn't just a subconscious statement. He responds, "You are my life now." You might consider that a strange response, but I use the same phrasing when signing a note. For example:

We're out of tomatoes. I'm going to the store. Dishes in the washer are clean. You are my life now, Dan When Edward mentions breakfast, she jokingly grabs her neck. Then she says "Watch me hunt" as she prepares a mundane breakfast. After listening to Bella whine and say overdramatic things, it's a bit strange to see her act like a normal, friendly teenage girl. I wish this witty side came through more often, instead of the "I love you so much it hurts my soul" side. While Bella eats, Edward stares. The guy has been alive for over a hundred years. You would think he'd know by now that gazing at someone while she eats is rude. Maybe staring was considered the proper thing to do way back when, just like keeping a straight face in photographs or oppressing minorities. Edward suggests that she meet his family that afternoon. Bella is worried about encountering a family of vampires, although she's fretting less about being killed and more about whether the Cullens will accept her. Edward also suggests it would be a good idea for him to meet Bella's dad formally. He asks if she will introduce him as her boyfriend, and she reflects that he's not exactly a boy. Maybe she should introduce him like this: BELLA: Hey Charlie. This is Edward. He's my man-buddy. He watches me sleep every night. But don't worry. We can't "get busy" because Edward would kill me. So all we can do is smooch and touch our faces, which is so awesome. He eats bears. Anyway, we're off to an enchanted garden filled with rainbows and bubbles. Later. Edward says the introduction should be made soon because Charlie will get suspicious about Edward hanging around all the time. The thought of Edward hanging around excites Bella. She leaves him downstairs while she gets ready to meet the Cullens by putting on some casual but nice clothes. When she emerges, Edward is taken aback by her appearance, saying that she looks too tempting. There's more touching, and Edward slowly kisses

Bella. Then she passes out either from all the passion, or because she just realized how utterly creepy and clingy Edward is, and now she can't end the relationship because he will kill her, so she'll have to live the rest of her life with this stalker. (Of course, she passed out from the passion and not the logic.) The two then go to Edward's house, which is not a castle or tomb, but instead a typical if spacious home that is somewhat hidden in the forest. When they walk inside, Bella is shocked by how bright and airy the house is. Carlisle and Esme greet them. The two vampires seem excited to meet Bella, and Carlisle insists that she drop the stuffy "Dr. Cullen" and call him "Carlisle." I was hoping for a fun nickname, like "C.C." or "Carlifornia" or "His Royal Blondness." Alice hops down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and mentions how lovely Bella smells. She doesn't seem too tempted by Bella, unlike Jasper, who is nice, but stays back. He uses his magical ability to alter emotions to make Bella feel comfortable. While everyone is standing around and staring at each other, Bella notices the grand piano. You will never believe this, but Edward can play the piano beautifully. Moreover, he writes his own music and has composed a piece that was inspired by Bella. He doesn't mention it, but I assume his song is entitled one of the following: Dangerous Passion Passionate Danger • Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap It, Slap It) • A Whiff of Bella In The Morning • Bella and The Lurker • If Spying on the One I Love is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right • Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap it, Slap it) [Club Remix feat. T-Pain] • •

While Edward plays his ode to Bella, the rest of his family members silently leave to give the two lovebirds some privacy. Edward reassures Bella that Carlisle and Esme like her, and so does Alice. He warned Jasper to keep his distance from her, but Jasper likes her too. Rosalie, however, is jealous that Bella is a human. In other words, Rosalie wishes she could sleep, run slowly, and be ugly. Poor Rosalie. Emmet doesn't dislike Bella. He just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a human. I'm not sure where Emmet and Rosalie were at during the meet-and-greet; possibly out killing bears, or maybe Emmet was helping Rosalie hone her super-powered ability to be stubborn, as she refused to clean up a mess she made. Edward tells Bella that during the awkward first meeting with the Cullens, Carlisle shot Edward a mind-message that said bad guys are coming to town. Finally! These evil vampires better be badass, because I just schlepped through 329 pages without one cool vampire fight scene. I'm hoping for some vampire action soon, with swords and whips and swords with whips on the tips.

Because he's an overprotective boyfriend, Edward says he won't let Bella out of his sight as long as the evil vamps—or e-vamps, as I call them—are in town. (Actually, e-vamp sound like an iPhone application or an annoying way to invite vampires to parties.) Edward finishes his song on a sad note, and Bella tears up. He wipes away a tear and licks it off his finger. I had a dog that used to lick tears. He also ate cold cream and plastic coat hangers. Maybe Edward does that too. He gives Bella a quick tour of the house, showing off the bedrooms and an antique wooden cross that hangs in the hallway. The cross was carved by Carlisle's dad in the 1600s, which means Carlisle is at least 300 years old. Back then, Carlisle's dad was a monster-hunting preacher who tried to round up vampires and witches, but most of the time he just killed innocent people by mistake. When Carlisle's pop retired, he let his son take over the vampire killing business. Carlisle found a clan of vampires hiding out and was about to slay them when one of the vamps rushed out and started to run away. But while running, the vampire got thirsty, turned around, and sank his fangs into Carlisle. An angry mob soon chased the baddie away before he could completely drain Carlisle knowing that his father wouldn't approve of his son being a vampire, Carlisle hid for a few days amongst rotten potatoes as he transformed. After the story, Edward continues the tour. Predictions: To try and win Bella's affection, Mike takes piano lessons so that he can compose a song for her. But his song, entitled "Bella is a Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl," sounds suspiciously like "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Meanwhile, Edward writes Bella a symphony, an opera, an epic poem, and a raunchy limerick.

Blogging Twilight: Part 14

Chapter Sixteen Edward brings Bella to Carlisle's office, where there are random pictures hanging on the wall. Carlisle excuses himself and heads to the hospital. Edward tells the story of Carlisle, which is not nearly as interesting as I had hoped it would be. In fact, from now on, I'm setting my expectations very low. That way, if the entire series of books is nothing more than Bella and Edward drinking root beer and playing pinball, I won't be disappointed. After being attacked by a vampire in the 1600s, Carlisle attempted to kill himself instead of living the rest of his life as a monster. He tried jumping off a ledge and drowning himself. He even tried to starve himself. Nothing worked. Edward says it's very difficult to kill a vampire, and starvation won't do it. He doesn't come right out and admit this, but I'm guessing the only surefire way to kill a vamp is to shove it into a black hole, and then shove that black hole into Mount Doom. Carlisle realized that instead of killing innocent humans to regain his strength, he could drink animal blood. Then the ever-civil Carlisle turned his attention to education and spent his nights studying in London. After that, he swam to France, for some reason. Edward says swimming is easy for vampires because they don't need to breathe air. While the ability to read minds didn't faze Bella, a vampire's disinterest in oxygen freaks her out. It's like telling someone, "Hey, I'm on fire," and she doesn't care. But then tell them, "I also have a headache," and they panic. After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.

Edward then points to some figures in a painting and says that Carlisle went to Italy and found civilized vampires there. While the Italian vampires were nice and refined, they didn't see eye to eye with Carlisle on the matter of diet, so he left them and came to America. These Euro vamps are visible in the painting, and I'm willing to bet they'll pop up later in the series. Why mention them otherwise, unless Stephenie Meyer got paid by the word. (Although that would explain the chapter about Edward and Bella lounging in the meadow). Back in the states, Carlisle tried to find someone he could transform into a vampire and keep around as a vampire-friend. He finally found a dying human, Edward, and decided to make him a vampire. After first becoming a "Pretty Night Thing That Bites," Edward followed Carlisle's orders and only ate animals. But then Edward started to rebel, which left Carlisle in a flurry of angst. Edward thought he'd be in the clear if he only killed bad people. I agree with that, and cannot understand why these vampires don't fight crime. They could wipe out terrorism overnight by hunting bad guys, but instead they opt to go to high school and drive fast. While away from his master, Edward killed a few people to drink their blood. Bella says that sounds "reasonable." But since Edward is a sensitive guy, he couldn't go on killing, and he returned to Carlisle. After the history lesson, Edward shows Bella his room, which is stocked with a high-end sound system and a bunch of CDs. There's no bed in his room, because vampires don't sleep...or lie down, apparently. It's easy to see why they have so much money: they save a fortune on sheets, blankets, and pillows. And if a vampire ever asks you to help him move, do it. You won't need to move any mattresses or box springs, and the vamps can do all the heavy lifting. Plus, during lunch, they won't try to steal your fries, and they give amazing kisses. While listening to some jazz, Edward says that he feels better after revealing his family's secrets. He is still worried that Bella will get scared, but yet again, she says she isn't afraid. Then he acts scary, in a flirty way, and pounces on her. He pins her to the coach, but they are interrupted by Alice. Alice says a storm is heading their way, and Emmet wants to play baseball. This could be interesting. If they're not willing to save the world from child murderers, terrorists, and Dr. Octopus, at least these vampires are going to have some fun with their powers. For some reason, the vamps can only play baseball when there is thunder. I'm guessing the loud booms will muffle the cracks of the bat. But maybe they can only play during a thunderstorm because there are fewer mosquitoes and bullies at the playground when the weather's bad.

The uncoordinated Bella nervously asks if she has to play baseball, and Edward says that she will just watch. Prediction: It is revealed that Carlisle's rule against killing humans has less to do with his love for humanity, and more to do with his bitter hatred for animals. It turns out he was traumatized as a child during a nasty incident involving a petting zoo and a curious goat who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Blogging Twilight: Part 15

Chapter Seventeen Edward drives Bella home. When they get there, Jacob and his dad, Billy, are waiting on the porch. I know by now not to get my hopes up for any werewolf action, but it would have been awesome if Jacob had looked at his dad, and his dad calmly and coolly said, "Let's do this." Then they could have turned into wolves, attacked Edward, strapped on jetpacks, and blasted off to have amazing adventures. That doesn't happen. Instead, Edward gets angry and goes away in a huff, while Bella greets the Blacks and invites them in. Once inside, Billy sends Jacob out to look for something. His real motive is to talk to Bella in private. Maybe he wants to invite her to Jacob's surprise birthday party. After some chitchat, Billy brings up the Cullens and says it's not a good idea for her to be spending so much time with them. Bella, who up until this point has been somewhat meek and whiny, now shows her feisty side, telling Billy it's none of his damn business who she hangs out with, and furthermore, she knows more about the Cullens than Billy does. I'm still not a Bella fan, but I like her response. Plus, if she gets Billy angry enough, maybe he will wolf-out and then my dreams of a werewolf jetpack adventure can be realized. Billy doesn't turn into a wolf, but instead simply warns Bella to think about her actions. Then Jacob returns from outside, probably under the mistaken impression that his dad is planning a kick-ass surprise birthday party. Poor Jacob is going to be plenty disappointed. The guys leave, and Bella changes out of her nice clothes and into her play clothes so she can watch the baseball game. Jessica calls and talks about the dance and how Mike kissed her. Bella doesn't really care because she's too busy thinking about vampires, werewolves, and baseball. I don't really care because I'm too busy thinking up titles for my soon-to-be-written novel about jetpacking werewolves. So far, I've got Bark of the Wind Wolves, Hounds of the Heavens, and Ralph: The Jetpacking Werewolf.

Charlie comes home and Bella finally mentions that she's going on a date with Edward. At first this ticks him off, because he thinks Bella is dating the muscular, mature Emmet Cullen. He is relieved to learn that she is instead dating the pansy, dumb-haired Edward Cullen. Edward comes over to pick Bella up for their baseball date. Charlie invites him in, and the two exchange pleasantries. Charlie seems like a decent dad. Bella leaves with his approval. For their date, Edward is driving Emmet's off-road Jeep. He tosses Bella into the Jeep and she figures out how to secure all the safety belts. He says it's easier to drive the Jeep to the field, but they will still have to do some hiking, which means another piggyback ride for Bella. She's nervous, since the last time she rode on Edward's back she nearly had a heart attack. He says she will be fine as long as she closes her eyes. But she doesn't believe him. To entice her, he starts to kiss her face and neck. Finally he plants one on her lips and she acts like a porn star, kissing back passionately. He gets angry and says, "Damn it, Bella. You'll be the death of me." Despite being annoyed, he puts her on his back and takes off. This time, she doesn't panic while riding him. Before she knows it, they arrive at the clearing in the woods where the baseball game will be played. The makeshift field is huge, much bigger than a typical ball field. For some reason, Edward starts to laugh at Bella's expression, and this irritates her. The two have a spat, but all is forgiven. The argument ends with another speech about danger. Thunder begins to rumble, and the game gets under way. Esme watches the game with Bella and acts as umpire. The vampire powers make for an interesting game of baseball. Along with being able to knock the ball far, they can run very fast. Imagine a regular MLB game, only it's enjoyable to watch instead of mind-numbingly painful. While watching the game, Esme thinks that this fun moment is an appropriate time to tell Bella that she once had a baby, but it died. And the depression she felt led to her suicide attempt. Note: Never invite Esme to a party. She's kind of a downer. The vampires play during a thunderstorm to hide the sound of the cracking bats. They should really think about investing in some Wiffle bats and balls. Better yet, play Uno instead. If a thunderstorm is necessary for them to play baseball, under what circumstances can they go bowling? Perhaps they need to bowl during a war, hurricane, or the first twenty minutes of The View (SNAP! Loud ladies of The View, you just got owned!) After playing for a while, Edward stops by to check on Bella. She says that watching him play baseball is disappointing because it reminds her that he can do everything better than

she can. What she doesn't realize is there are a few things that she can do that Edward cannot, such as give birth, sleep, die easily, and collect Hello Kitty merchandise without being looked down upon by your guy friends.

The game continues until Alice gets a special feeling. The bad vampires are nearby and are coming towards them. They are drawn to the sounds, but hopefully haven't smelled Bella yet. Edward goes into overprotective-dad mode and sits by Bella. They don't have enough time for her to get to safety, so Carlisle recommends that they continue with the game. Emmet is anxious for a fight because he's awesome. He has become my favorite vampire of the book. (Assuming the truck is not a vampire.) Edward advises Bella to take her hair down. I'm not sure why. Maybe evil vampires are only attracted to sexy librarians, so keeping your hair up means trouble. Or perhaps hair is the natural enemy of vampires and they can't bite through it. With Edward at Bella's side, the other vampires continue with the game, cautiously awaiting the arrival of the mean vampires. Edward scans the tree line. Suddenly, the Cullens hear faint footsteps, and the chapter ends. Predictions: The mean vampires arrive, see that Bella's hair is down, and run away screaming with fear. A few days later, while flying kites with Bella, Esme decides to talk about a previous abusive relationship in all its grisly detail.

Blogging Twilight: Part 16 Chapter Eighteen The bad vampires finally emerge from the forest, interrupting the baseball game. There are three baddies, two guys and one gal. Bella says their eyes are not gold, ocher, or goldenocher, but instead are burgundy. That means they must be evil, or in love, or high. Or maybe they just got out of a well-chlorinated swimming pool. Bella says the bad vamps approach the Cullens in a catlike manner, which I assume means that they refuse to come when you call them, then casually walk around, stopping every few feet to bat at some ribbon before stretching in an oh-so-cute manner. They are barefoot and wearing ragged clothes, so you know they must be wild and dangerous. One of the men steps in front of the others to take a leadership role. He has dark skin and glossy black hair. The woman has wild red hair and shifty eyes. The last member of the group is smaller and pretty ordinary. If vampires get pretty after being bitten, this guy was probably ugly as a human, or maybe some sort of monkey. The leader says they heard a baseball game and wanted to check it out. He introduces himself as Laurent. The other two are Victoria and James. Carlisle makes similar introductions, including Bella as part of his family. Meeting a strange vampire must be nerve wracking, because you can never tell what super powers they have. Laurent might have mind reading powers, so Carlisle really shouldn't lie about Bella. Or he may be able to spot girls pretending to be vampires, or the ability to detect forbidden love. Who knows what a vampire's super-duper power might be? That's why I never lie when I first meet someone who I suspect is a vampire, nor do I think about things I want kept secret, such as my ATM pin number or what really happened in the bathroom at the mall. That way, if they can read my mind, all they will see is boring stuff like grocery lists, my Netflix queue, and images of Jenna Fischer from The Office roller-skating while dressed as Wonder Woman. Typical stuff. Carlisle tells Laurent that the Cullens control this area of Washington, and they have a home nearby. Laurent and the other bad guys are taken aback by the idea of having a home, and want to know how a group of vampires can manage to stay in one place for so long. Carlisle invites them back to the Cullen homestead to further discuss things, and Laurent accepts. Carl also tells them not to hunt in their territory, and Laurent agrees.

(Off topic: If you slightly alter the word "territory," you can spell "Terror-Tory", and that would be a fantastic name for a horror movie about real estate.) For an evil vampire, Laurent seems like a decent dude. Then a gentle breeze sends Bella's scent toward James, who suddenly perks up and acts evil. Edward acts evil back. The two stare each other down. Carlisle quickly explains that Bella is with them, and not on the menu. Laurent is confused by vampires who hang out with humans. Of course, no fighting takes place. Laurent reassures Carlisle that they won't hunt in the Cullens' hood, and James backs down. They head off to the Cullen's home, while Edward, Emmet, and Alice rush Bella away. Edward throws Bella in the Jeep and all four of them speed off. Bella wants to know where they are going, and Edward says they need to get her far away from here. She freaks out and demands to be taken home. But no one listens to her. Emmet grabs her arms to secure her. They are kidnapping her for her own safety. She screams, saying that Charlie will worry and call the FBI if she's not home tonight. Alice feels sympathy for Bella and asks Edward to pull over, but he doesn't. He explains that James is a tracker, a vampire who…tracks. Once he got a whiff of Bella, the tracker's thoughts turned towards hunting her no matter what stood in his way. So they need to hide her, and fast, before James picks up on her scent. (They should stick Bella inside a Yankee Candle Shop, because those places reek with the scent of waxy apples, waxy flowers, and waxy Home for the Holidays.) Bella is worried about Charlie's safety, fearing that James will follow her scent to her house and then eat her dad. Alice agrees, and Edward stops the car so they can figure this out. Emmet wants to kill James. I'm with Emmet, obviously. Emmet is so cool! I wish he and Jacob had their own book series where they did amazing things like drive tanks and fight a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But Edward thinks killing James is too risky. Besides, it goes against Carlisle's policy of eating only things that can't use tools. After more debate, Bella finally cooks up a plan. They will take her home and let her talk to her dad. She'll tell him that she's going back to Phoenix. This way, her dad won't worry as much. If she mentions this within earshot of James, hopefully he'll leave her dad alone. Then she'll go into hiding while the Cullens settle the drama. Everybody wins. Edward still thinks it's too dangerous, because he is a wuss. There are six good vampires, not counting Laurent, against one silly tracker. I don't understand why they don't just go after James. He can't be that tough. It's not like he's a werewolf. Finally, Ed agrees that the plan might work. There's a few pages of debate on who will go with who, and who drives where. I didn't pay attention and hope this won't be on the test.

Prediction: Bella comes home and sees her dad talking with a strange man wearing an obvious fake moustache. Her dad calls out to her, "Honey, come here. This man is selling turtlenecks door-to-door and needs to see your throat for a proper fitting." Anxious for a turtleneck, she rushes to her dad and the salesman, without realizing the salesmen is James! Her final thoughts are, "This turtleneck is going to be so banging. Edward's going to love this. Hmm, why is my neck wet…"

Blogging Twilight: Part 17

Chapter Nineteen Bella, Alice, Emmett, and Edward arrive at Bella's home to begin the elaborate plot that will somehow keep her safe from the clutches of the evil James. Before heading inside, she feels a bit emotional about leaving Emmett, even though she hardly spoke to him. She will be going into hiding with Jasper and Alice, and may never see Emmett again. She can't even comprehend saying adios to Edward. When the time finally comes for her to say goodbye, she will probably cry so hard tears will shoot out of her ears and gums. It's going to be worse then a final episode of The Real World, when everyone says they will stay in touch (but we all know they never will), while a sad, poignant pop song plays in the background. I'm not looking forward to that. Bella tells Edward that she loves him, and he says she has nothing to worry about because everything will work out in the end. This is a change of pace from Edward's usual "You will die if you hold my hand" speeches. The plan is for Bella to tell Charlie that she's going back to Phoenix. She will gather up a few things and then leave quickly. As she's about to go inside, she tells Edward to ignore whatever she tells her dad. She then storms into the house and tells a confused Charlie to leave her alone. She tells him that she broke up with Edward because she can't live in this small town anymore, wasting her life away like her mother did. That's a low blow, but it's a good way to get Charlie to shut up and let her go. I just hope she buys him a decent Father's Day gift to make up for this, like an iPhone, Best Buy gift card, or two iPhones. Charlie is stunned and isn't sure what to do. Bella says she's leaving for Phoenix tonight, and will use her key to get inside her mom's house. (Her mom is still away with Phil in Florida.) Charlie says that she should stay in Forks for a week. By then, her mom might be back in Phoenix, because it turns out that Phil isn't having much luck in Florida. The news that her mom may return to Phoenix stuns Bella a bit, but she's still determined to leave the house. She packs her stuff with Edward's help (he snuck in through the window), then leaves, telling her dad, "I really, really hate Forks!" Once in her truck, Edward offers to drive.

The chauvinist doesn't like the idea of a woman driving. He gets behind the wheel and they head to the Cullen house, where I assume Carlisle and Laurent are laying bellydown on the living room floor, listening to records and prank-calling werewolves. Edward tells her that James can outrun them in Bella's slow truck. Alice and Emmett pull up in the Jeep. Edward says everything will be fine, but she doesn't want to leave him. He tells her they will be together in a few days. Of course, if they just killed James right away, they wouldn't have this problem. But that would be too easy, too interesting, and too much fun to read about. Bella asks why James is so hungry for her, while the other two bad vamps didn't seem so determined to kill her. Edward explains that James loves a challenge. To him, killing Bella is like a game, and the fact that she's being protected makes the game more fun to play. That's not true. Making a game more difficult does not make it more fun, as anyone who's tried to play Scrabble with only vowels and Q's can attest. Perhaps I'm just lazy, but if I was really hungry for a pretzel, and a group of tough guys were guarding that pretzel, I'd probably just go eat some chips instead. In other words, James should go kill Jessica, or Mike, or Eric, or that other girl from earlier in the book that everyone, including me, has forgotten about. (I want to say her name was Abbey or Peaches, but that just doesn't sound right.) Bella finally asks how to kill a vampire, and Edward says you need to rip it to shreds and then burn the remains. Which is also the only way you can kill baby elephants. Don't ask how I know this, because you won't like the answer. Edward says that Victoria, the female baddie, will fight on James's side should it come down to a battle, but he's not sure where Laurent's loyalties lie. They arrive at the Cullen home and go inside. Laurent is there, and Edward says that James is hunting Bella. Laurent doesn't seem surprised and he apologizes for James' actions. Apparently James is a naughty boy. We then learn that James is the leader of this group, not Laurent. They just made it seem like Laurent was in charge to trick the Cullens, and me (jerks). Edward roars, and Laurent says that he's going to stay out of this fight and head to the family of vampires in Denali. He leaves, and Esme activates steel shutters on all the windows because the Cullens are all wimps (except my boy, Emmett). Edward says that once Bella is away, they will hunt down James. Carlisle reluctantly agrees that there is no other way. Edward tells Bella to swap clothes with Rosalie to throw James off the scent. Rosalie acts like a spoiled rich kid; she doesn't think she should have to help Bella to safety. Though it's not mentioned in the book, Rosalie then demands Carlisle gives her a pony and an Oompa Loompa for her birthday. Esme steps in and rushes Bella upstairs to change. After a few quick alterations, Bella is wearing Esme's clothes and is ready to go. Carlisle hands out cell phones to Alice and Esme. Rosalie and Esme leave in Bella's truck, hoping to lure Victoria away. Meanwhile Bella, Jasper, and Alice will leave in the Mercedes, heading south. And Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will go hunting after James. So instead of sticking together, and

outnumbering the two bad vampires, these geniuses think it's a better idea to split up. Besides being torn to pieces and burned, vampires' only weakness is their ability to make horrible yet elaborate plans. Before the departures, I was expecting a few dozen pages of dialogue about danger and love, but Edward says goodbye with a quick kiss. He leaves with Carlisle and Emmett. Moments later, he calls Alice's cell phone and says Victoria is following Esme, so the coast is clear to move Bella out. Alice goes to get the Mercedes ready, leaving Bella alone with Jasper. Jasper, feeling her emotions, says she's wrong to think that she is not worth all this protection. I'm not sure what type of character Jasper is. He seems nice, but there's something weird about him, like a cousin who goes missing for a few months, and then shows up and refuses to talk about what happened. Alice returns and asks if it's okay if she carries Bella to the car. Bella says sure, and is glad that someone asked her permission for a change. Why would Alice need to carry Bella? Did they get married when I wasn't looking? Predictions: To make the hunt even harder, James decides to put a blindfold on, spin around a baseball bat until he becomes very dizzy, and then chase after Bella while balancing an egg on a plastic spoon.

Blogging Twilight: Part 18 Chapter Twenty Bella wakes up in a strange hotel room. She looks around, trying to get her bearings, and begins to piece together what happened the previous day. She vaguely remembers driving in the well-tinted Mercedes, sitting in the back seat with Alice as Jasper drove fast. Am I the only one picking up some sexual tension between Alice and Bella? Alice carried her to the car before leaving, and sat in the backseat with her on the trip to Phoenix. Hmm. Bella goes over the events that led her to this road trip: The tracker. Edward getting angry. Her fake fight with her dad. Saying goodbye to Edward. Leaving with Alice and Jasper. The way Emmett fought that T-Rex. (OK, that last one was just my recollection of the events.) She knows Jasper made the trip to Phoenix in a single day. And they're staying near the airport in case they need to fly out quickly. Then Bella's memory fades. She gets out of bed and walks to the hotel window to see that it's dark outside. She is still wearing Esme's clothes and is about to change when Alice (conveniently) pops in. They talk for a bit and Alice says she had some food brought up. Before they left Forks, the fatherly Edward reminded her that Bella needs to eat food more often than vampires do. That conversation probably went something like this: EDWARD: Alice, take care of my Bella. Remember, she needs to eat food. And make sure she brushes her teeth. Keep an eye on her, because sometimes she just brushes her tongue. She might tell you that she's allowed to eat two bowls of ice cream. Don't fall for it. She's allowed ONE bowl, and only if she eats her carrots. At bedtime, she'll try to stay up later by begging you, "Let me just watch this show until the next commercial." But be strict. And don't forget that she likes her sandwiches cut diagonally, without crusts, and she needs to breathe air. Bella goes into the front room, where Jasper is staring at the TV. She picks at the food, but is too worried to eat. She says Alice and Jasper sit still, like statues. She asks what the game plan is, and Alice says they need to wait for Carlisle to call. Since he hasn't called yet, Bella is scared.

Jasper tries to soothe her by saying everything will be all right. But Bella doesn't buy that. She freaks out and says that if anything happens to the Cullens, it will be all her fault. And she's right about that. Jasper says the family won't let anything happen to her. She wonders why this group of vampires is being so nice to her, and Alice explains that they're happy Edward finally found someone to love. Bella has changed him for the better. They can't imagine what would happen if any harm came to her. I imagine Edward would get even moodier and completely ruin Thanksgiving with his grumpy attitude, so it's no wonder that his family wants to keep Bella safe. Alice's words ease Bella's guilty conscience slightly. They remain inside the hotel room, staring at the TV and doing absolutely nothing. It's situations like this that make me happy to know I have blackjack and a demo version of Bowling on my cell phone if I ever get bored. Bella says that Alice and Jasper are better at dealing with waiting than she is, which might be due to their long lifespan. For hundreds of years, they've done nothing but sit around eating bears and going to high school. Hanging out in a hotel room for one day is a breeze after their life of boredom. Bella decides to go back to bed because there's nothing else to do. Alice follows her. (Again, my romance radar is tingling!) Bella can't sleep, so she decides to ask Alice what the others are doing. Alice says that Carlisle wanted to lead James north and then ambush him (or let Santa Claus handle it), while Esme was going to lure Victoria west. If Victoria gave up on the chase, Esme and Rosalie would go back to Forks and watch over Charlie. Since Carlisle hasn't called yet, Alice thinks things are going as planned, and they can't call because it would give away their position. So all they can do is wait and remind the reader what's happening. Then Bella asks Alice a burning question: How did you become a vampire? In the world of vamps, this query might be a nice icebreaker at parties. On the other hand, maybe it's something you should never say out loud to a vamp, just as you would never ask a human, "How did you get so fat?" or "What's the deal with that thing under your eye?" But Alice doesn't shy away from the question. Alice says Edward warned her not to tell Bella. But since Alice is seemingly flirting with Bella, she doesn't mind telling, although she doesn't quite remember how it happened. According to Alice, along with all their super powers, vampires are also equipped with venom that incapacitates a victim once s/he is bitten. She says this venom isn't really crucial, since if a vampire is close enough to bite, his victim doesn't stand much of a chance anyway. It's like a shark that tickles you into submission before biting your head off; unnecessary, but kind of interesting. The venom doesn't kill you. It just spreads throughout your body, causing severe pain. Depending on where you were bitten, the venom can slowly transform you into a vampire...as long as the vampire biting you decides to let you live. This doesn't happen often because vampires are insatiable and can't stop drinking blood once they start. To

put this in perspective, it's probably a lot like eating a Kit-Kat. I dare you to buy a KitKat and only eat one bar. If you tell me you can do that, you are an absolute liar and I don't want you coming to my birthday party, liar. So Alice thinks this venom transformed her into a vampire, but she doesn't remember the intense pain and suffering that comes with the transformation. Since that pain is usually a vampire's first memory, Alice's situation is unique. Maybe she isn't a vampire at all, but just a weird girl who doesn't age, like Christina Ricci. The two girls sit in silence for a while, without having a pillow fight, tickle fight, or playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. This is the worst slumber party ever. Then Alice breaks the silence, not by suggesting they practice kissing, but by saying she just got a flash from the future. In her mind, Alice sees a mirrored room with a gold line running around it. James, the tracker, has changed his plans. He is no longer following Carlisle, Edward, and Emmett, and instead will be heading to this mystery room. In Alice's vision there is a TV and a VCR in this room. (For those who don't know, a VCR was a type of movie player that used giant, 7-pound cassettes and ran on steam power). Just then, Carlisle calls Alice, and she tells him that the plans have changed. James has stopped following the vampires and boarded a plane. The idea that the most powerful, magical beings on the planet need to use commercial airlines to travel is absurd. It's like finding out that leprechauns need to pay taxes or ghosts need to take elevators. Alice then hands the phone to Bella. Edward is on the line. He says that Esme is guarding Charlie back in Forks, and that Victoria is looking for Bella there, but won't be able to pick up the scent. They say goodbye, and Bella notices that Alice is sketching the mirrored room from her vision. Bella recognizes the sketch as a ballet studio, and except for the TV and VCR, it looks like the one she went to as a child, right here in Phoenix. But she can't be certain that it's the same place, since most ballet studios probably look the same. Still, it might be the same place. (I'll bet $40 bajillion that it is the same place.) If James is heading to Phoenix, Bella wants to warn her mother, who might have returned from Florida by now. She uses Alice's cell phone to leave a message for her mom to call her immediately. She then picks at some fruit and watches Alice and Jasper stare at the TV. Bella finally falls asleep, and Alice carries her to bed. Predictions: Bella wakes up when Alice begins to give her a sensual back rub. Alice breaks the awkward moment by saying, "Want to see if I'm ticklish?"

Blogging Twilight: Part 19

Chapter Twenty-One I guess Bella doesn't have to go to school anymore, because it's been about fifteen months since she last attended class. She's still hiding out at a hotel in Phoenix with Jasper and Alice. She's also turning into a bit of a night owl, sleeping most of the day and waking up at two in the morning. Bella rolls out of bed and walks to the front room, where Jasper is staring at Alice as she sketches something. I wonder if Alice sketches all of her premonitions, even the unimportant ones. Maybe she has a book filled with drawings that predict what shirt Jasper will wear tomorrow or if Bella will eat the coleslaw that came with her sandwich. Alice had a new vision of James, the e-vamp, visiting a room that's different from the ballet studio. As Alice describes this new room, Bella recognizes the drawing. It's her mom's house! Alice rushes to the phone to tell Carlisle the new information. For some reason, no one feels the need to call Bella's mom, or perhaps the police. At the very least, they should send her mom a text that reads, "dont go home. Vamp4res. youwill die. CU L8R." Alice tells Bella that Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will fly down to Phoenix to take Bella someplace safe. Just when you thought their plan was convoluted enough, now they're going to take Bella from her original hiding place and put her into a new hiding place. Bella is worried about her mother's safety. Alice and Jasper promise to protect the former Mrs. Swan, and Bella freaks out, saying that it's impossible to protect everyone. Even if they manage to keep her mom safe, James will just go after someone or something else that Bella cares about, like her friend Jessica, or Edward's cool, smelly jacket. Alice says, "We'll catch him, Bella." And yet, they could have caught and killed James a few days ago in the baseball field. Or later that day outside Bella's dad's house. If, in the end, they just want to kill James, their whole plan makes no sense at all. I'm glad the

Cullens aren't firefighters, because they would probably let a raging forest fire burn for a few weeks before deciding to put it out. I can't tell if this family is stupid, lazy, or both. Jasper uses his emo-powers to make Bella feel tired. And she gets angry. She storms into the other room and cries for a few hours. She's excited that Edward is coming to save her, but still worried about her mom and dad. Plus, during the past 300 pages, no one has asked her out, and she's probably upset about that. Bella hears the phone ring and heads back out into the front room. (Probably hoping it's the persistent Mike looking for a date.) Actually, Carlisle called and told Alice that the Cullens are boarding a plane and will arrive in Phoenix at 9:45. In the morning? How can they fly on an airplane during the day without glittering? Even if it's cloudy in arid Phoenix, AZ, airplanes fly above the clouds, meaning that the vamps will be in direct sunlight, unless they cover themselves with blankets, hats, masks, and parasols. Or maybe they board the plane in suits of armor to avoid arousing suspicion. Or they are taken onboard in oversized dog carriers. Or Stephenie Meyer doesn't want us asking too many questions. Alice tells Bella that Jasper went to check out of the hotel, because after Edward takes Bella to hiding spot number two, Alice and Jasper will go to a hotel closer to Bella's mom's house. The phone rings again, and Alice hands the phone to Bella. Bella's mom is on the other end, frantically saying, "Bella? Bella?" Then another voice breaks in. It's evamp James! He warns Bella not to say anything stupid. He doesn't want Alice to know who Bella is really talking to, so he makes Bella pretend that her mom is still on the phone. As Bella complies, James says he doesn't want to hurt her mom, but will do so if Bella doesn't follow his instructions. He wants Bella to ditch her vampire friends and go to her mom's house alone. Bella says that's impossible, because the Cullens won't let her out of their sight. But then she remembers that they will be going to the airport. Perhaps she can run away from them there, and pick up a giant Toblerone candy bar as her last meal while she's at it. She agrees. James tells her to look for a phone number he will leave at her mom's house, and call that number before noon. He doesn't want any trouble from the Cullens, and says he will hurt Bella's mom if Bella tries to do anything stupid. Suddenly, Twilight has become a bad episode of 24. (Just kidding. All episodes of 24 are bad.) The phone call has upset Bella, and she's worried that Alice will suspect something, or that Jasper will be able to feel her panicked emotions. She tells herself that if giving up her life to James will end this madness and keep her parents and the Cullens safe, then it will be worth it. Bella thinks this is her only option. I have another option: she could dress up Eric in drag, rub her stinky blood all over him, and send him into the spooky ballet studio. Then, when James attacks Eric, Bella can drop a net on him and haul him to the vampire cops (or Vops, for short). She tries to ignore the terror she's feeling and walks back out into the room where Alice is waiting. So far, Alice doesn't suspect that Bella plans on running away. Bella tells

Alice that she wants to leave a note for her mom, and asks that Alice deliver it later. Bella sits down, but instead of writing to her mom, she writes a secret love letter to Eddie. In the note, she apologizes for going to James and says she hopes Edward won't come after her. I imagine Edward will read the note and say to himself, "Well, Bella doesn't want me to save her. So I better just let her die. Anypoop, I wonder if tonight's Groomer Has It is a rerun..." Prediction: On the plane to Phoenix, Carlisle must deal with an angry Emmett who whines, "Edward's hogging the Nintendo DS! It's not fair! He had, like, three turns, and he played my guy!" Carlisle attempts to calm him by saying, "Emmett, when your forbidden love is in danger, you'll get to play extra on the DS. Here, why don't we play travel Battleship? I'll even let you place your ships diagonally." Emmett dons his sailor hat and happily whips out the game.

Blogging Twilight: Part 20 Chapter Twenty-Two For about 400 pages, this novel was a bit boring. Then, faster than you could say "plot," a cross-country chase began, and mothers were held hostage. It's tough to keep everything straight. Here's what I think is going on: Bella is still waiting in the hotel room with Alice. Soon, the girls and Jasper will head out to the airport, where Edward, Emmett, and Carlisle will arrive to escort Bella to a new hiding spot. She plans to run away from the Cullens at the airport, go meet James, and give her life to protect everyone else. Victoria is...doing something evil, presumably. (Maybe she's killing children or recommending Bride Wars to people at the video store.) I know I stressed this point before, but you have six vampires—including one who is so in love with Bella that he would rip out his own uvula to protect her—up against one cheesy, over-dramatic baddie. Why don't the vamps just go after James instead of all the sneaking around? It doesn't make sense. I understand that Bella's mom is in danger, but surely a battle plan could be worked out that would save everyone and destroy the evil James. Are the Cullens really this weak? While waiting in the hotel room, Alice suddenly acts mysterious. She's getting another vision from the future, this one involving Bella in the mystery room. Jasper returns and Alice snaps out of it. She offers Bella some breakfast, but Bella says she'd rather eat at the airport. She senses that Alice wants her to leave the room. Alice needs to tell Jasper some bad news, and doesn't want Bella around to hear it. When Bella leaves, I assume Alice whispers to Jasper, "Bella's going to die and the parents from Jon and Kate Plus Eight will file for divorce in the summer of 2009. So sad. Don't tell Bella. She loves that show." By seven in the morning, they are heading out to the airport, in the daylight. On the ride there, Bella asks how Alice's superpower works. Alice says she can only see the future once someone has made a decision. So she can't tell if you will win the lottery unless you decide to win the lottery. (Which I have.) The future that Alice sees is not definite, because new decisions can be made before the outcome is reached. This explains why Alice didn't see Bella in the spooky VCR room with James until Bella decided to go to him.

They arrive at the airport and park in the garage. Alice and Jasper look at the departure board to find a good flight for Bella to leave on. Maybe people in Arizona sparkle all the time. How else could a group of shimmering vampires arrive at the airport without getting odd looks? If you've ever been to an airport, you know that most of the walls consist of huge windows overlooking the runway, so it would be tough to avoid the sun. But I've never been to the airport in Phoenix; perhaps it's underground, underwater, or hidden under drop cloths. Alice and Jasper keep a close eye on Bella, and Bella gives Alice the note she wrote a few hours ago. After waiting for Edward's plane, Bella realizes she only has 30 minutes to escape before he arrives and hauls her off to the hiding place. If she's ever going to save her mom, she needs to leave Alice and Jasper quickly. She says she wants to get breakfast, and Alice jumps at the chance to accompany her. But Bella rejects this idea, saying it would be better if Jasper came instead because he can calm her down. Jasper escorts her past a few food stands. The sneaky Bella then says she needs to use the women's room. She's familiar enough with this airport to know that the bathroom has two entrances, and she runs through the restroom to get out the other side before Jasper realizes he's been tricked. She darts through the airport and finally makes her way outside, where she hops into a hotel shuttle. At the hotel, she jumps into a cab, gives the cabbie $80, and tells him to drive to her mom's house. On the way, she fantasizes about what life would be like if she went away with Edward forever. She dreams about spending the rest of her days with him in some faraway place where no one would find them. Of course, if she did end up with Edward, she would eventually realize that living together won't always be magical. Like every couple, the two would get on each other's nerves and start arguing: BELLA: But I did the dishes last night! EDWARD: I don't see why I need to do the dishes. I don't even use dishes! BELLA: Oh, believe me, I know all about your diet. Waking up to bear breath in the morning lost its charm years ago. EDWARD: You used to love my breath. I can't take this. I'm going out for a while. BELLA: Fine. Go make out with your sister. EDWARD: Stop it. We're just friends. Rosalie means nothing to me. BELLA: Then why does she always comment on your Facebook page? EDWARD: I can't control that. She does what she wants. You want me to not be friends with my sister? BELLA: I should have married Eric. EDWARD: I can't talk to you when you're like this. Emmett's waiting for me. We're going to get a pig drunk and then drink its blood to get a buzz. We done here? BELLA: You tell me, Eddie. You tell me. The cab driver pulls up to Bella's house, and she rushes inside to find the phone number left by James. She dials it, and James answers. She asks if her mother is OK, and James

assures her that Renee will be just fine as long as Bella follows his instructions. He tells her to go to the ballet studio, and she runs out the door. I'm not a villain, so it's unfair of me to criticize James. But why didn't he just ambush her at the house? What's so important about this ballet studio? When Bella gets there, I assume she'll find a note that says, "Go to the Eiffel Tower two moons from now. Unlock the puzzle box to find the next clue. Hint: The red crow dines on alabaster. Be seeing you..." Bella thinks about her mom while sprinting to the ballet studio, and wishes she were back home in Forks. She enters the abandoned studio. She can hear her mom's voice and runs towards it only to realize that she's actually hearing a recording of her mom talking. It turns out that James enjoys tricking people. Bella's mom was safe this whole time in Florida, and James just used a clip from an old home movie to lure Bella. She is relieved to know that her mom is fine, but still plans on sacrificing herself to save everyone else. With her mind made up, she no longer feels anxious and scared, but confident. James asks if Edward will avenge her death, and she says she told him to stay away. Apparently she thinks she's the boss of Edward. (All the more reason why living together will end badly.) James says killing Bella is too easy. He was expecting Edward to show up and try to save her. This guy really enjoys a challenge. He goes on and on for a few paragraphs about how evil and tricky he and Victoria are. He explains how he tracked Bella to Phoenix with Vickie's help. He's like a James Bond villain, filling in all the information we need in order to understand how he got there. But to be honest, I don't really care how he got there, and just assumed he used his vampire powers or an iPhone app to track her down. He then tells Bella that his goal wasn't to simply kill her, but to kill Edward, too. He wants a vampire fight (as do we all) and thought that Edward was sure to try and rescue Bella. He plans on torturing Bella to death to send Edward a message. James wants to make the suffering lasts as long as possible and plans to videotape the whole thing for Edward. It seems that James hates vampires who hang out with humans. A long time ago, he was about to kill a young woman, but another vampire stopped him, and transformed that woman into a vampire before James could drink her blood. Before becoming a vampire, this woman was living in an asylum because she had visions and everyone thought she was nuts. That woman (are you sitting down?) was Alice. (You can stand up again.) So this attack on Bella is more personal than expected. James says once he's done with Bella, he will call Edward and tell him where to find her body. Bella is frozen with terror. She was willing to die, but torture is a different matter. James looks at her with a creepy, big smile as he thinks about all the ways to torment her. If he's smart, he will know how to really make Bella suffer: Force her to play volleyball while dancing. Bella finally gathers up enough courage to make a run for it, but James is much too fast. He trips her and her head smashes into one of the many mirrors. Now I understand why

James picked the ballet studio for his confrontation: It's more dramatic and atmospheric. Other choices he probably considered for the main event: Abandoned doll factory • Abandoned amusement park • Abandoned mannequin repair facility • Post-apocalyptic White House Shoe store that doesn't get much business so everyone there seems sad • Warehouse that stores old recordings of children laughing. •

•

The injured Bella tries to crawl to the door. James breaks her leg and knocks her into more mirrors. She notices her wounds are bleeding, and he senses the blood. He gets his hungry eyes, and Bella is glad, because this means his appetite won't allow him to draw out the torture. She in bad shape. This must be the scene mentioned in the prologue. The hunter approaches poor Bella, and her last line of defense is to hold up her hands to protect her face. She closes her eyes, and the chapter ends. Predictions: Bella opens her eyes, and James tells her that Carlisle is actually his father. Quite the coincidence, huh? Also, Esme was his step-mom, and Emmett and James went to the same elementary school, but they never really hung out. Also Jasper sold James his first pair of rollerblades and Rosalie and James are the same person. See, everyone's connected. It's just like LOST.

Blogging Twilight: Part 21 Chapter TwentyThree For a change of pace, let's talk about what doesn't happen in this brief chapter: There are no fights. There are no swords, or nun chucks, or helicopters armed with mini-guns. Edward doesn't fling throwing stars. No one does an elbow drop off a chandelier. Emmett doesn't burst into the studio armed with a flame thrower (though you know he wanted to). No one is picked up by the throat and flung into a ceiling fan. Esme doesn't run off of Emmett's back, launching into a flying kick that connects directly with James's face. There is no chase scene in the maze-like basement/boiler room of the ballet studio. Alice doesn't throw a James through a plate glass window. Carlisle and James do not fight on top of a moving train. And no one screams, "Let me introduce you to the Cullen Clobber!" while wearing black face paint and wielding a sledgehammer. Instead, Bella wakes up from the attack surrounded by the Cullens. All of the action happened while she was passed out. She has some vamp venom in her system and Edward must suck it out. To some, this may seem thrilling and tense. But I couldn't care less. I'm angry. How the vampire battle went down is not discussed. I understand that the story is told from Bella's point of view, but Meyers' refusal to show us the fight is a slap in the face. Maybe I picked up the PG-rated version of Twilight, and the real fight is included in the R-rated copy...which also includes the unnecessary, but artistically done chapter entitled, "Showers and Hula-Hoops." Prediction: The next chapter begins a year later with Edward saying, "Wow. What a year we had. I fought those zombies. Emmett became president. Esme time-traveled to WWII and fought the Germans. Carlisle cloned a Pterodactyl, and then battled it. And Alice became a robot. But enough about that, let's talk about forbidden love for fifty-five pages."

Blogging Twilight: Part 22 Chapter Twenty-Four Bella wakes up in a hospital room with her hands connected to tubes. Edward is in the room with her. She quickly apologizes for everything. He tells her to chill out, and she asks what happened. He says he arrived at the ballet studio in time to save her from the vicious James. Since we didn't get to see the fight, Edward could be lying just to get attention, like that kid at the park who said he could whirl all the way around the swing set, but only when no one was looking. Sure, when I closed my eyes I heard the swing move, but part of me thinks that kid was just pulling my leg. So maybe Edward didn't save Bella at all, and the evil James just died of a heart attack or vampire polio. Bella is still frazzled and is worried about her mom. Edward says her mom is safe and is there at the hospital. He lied to Bella's parents, telling them her injuries were the result of a nasty fall down some stairs. She's in bad shape, and had lost a lot of blood. She needed transfusions, which Edward says made her smell wrong to him. But now she's back to smelling Bella-mazing. With the huge popularity of Twilight, I'm surprised that a perfume company hasn't released a Bella-scented fragrance to help girls attract moody creeps. The perfume could be called "Bella in a Bottle," "Stinky Swan," or "Rainbow Kitten Pudding Puppy." (The last name practically sells itself.) Bella asks what happened to James, and Edward simply says Emmett and Jasper took care of him. You already know how I feel about being denied a cool vampire battle, so I won't get into it again. But, Stephenie Meyer, if I ever see you, you owe me a vampire battle. And it better be awesome. None of this "the true battle was within himself" crap. According to Edward, after "taking care of" James in the ballet studio, Emmett and Jasper left Bella alone with Edward, Carlisle, and Alice because she was bleeding too much and Emmett and Jasper wouldn't be able to control themselves. Or they left because Bella, who can be annoying when healthy, is probably unbearable when she actually has something to cry about.

Bella then asks if Alice found out that James was (kind of) the reason she became a vampire, and Edward says that Alice understands. Huh? I'm convinced Alice's convoluted back story was thrown in at the last minute. It seems very tacked-on and random, as if the author promised a dying relative that in her first novel she would tangentially connect two background characters in a confusing way. If that's the case, job well done, Ms. Meyer. Edward explains the lie he's been feeding her parents. The story goes that he came down to Phoenix to convince Bella to come back to Forks. Everyone believes that, but in the real world, Bella would be questioned by police and social workers, because "falling down the stairs" in the vicinity of a boyfriend you just broke up with is mighty suspicious. Edward goes in for a kiss and Bella's heart rate monitor beeps frantically. And then the monitor stops beeping, as if Bella's heart had ceased pumping. This is very romantic and passionate, but unhealthy as well. To be safe, they should stick to Eskimo kisses, which instead of stopping her heart would probably just give Bella an upset tummy, heartburn, and an itchy nose. Then Edward senses that Bella's mom, Renee, is coming to the room, and he pretends to nap in the nearby chair. Bella and her mom talk. It turns out that Phil got a job in Florida, and Bella's mom is anxious for Bella to move to Jacksonville. But there's no way that Bella will leave Forks. Why would she leave behind dreamy Edward and the impressively lax attendance policy at Forks High School? Bella's mom thinks Edward is in love with Bella, and Bella says she's crazy about him. Then Renee leaves, but not before saying that the ballet studio had burned down. Edward perks back up and asks why Bella doesn't want to go to Florida. She says he can't go to Florida, because he would be stuck inside all day. (By the way, how is he chilling in the Phoenix hospital without sparkling up a storm? Eh, I don't even care anymore.) Edward says he would stay in Forks, or someplace else far away from Bella, because being with her is too dangerous. There's some busy work with the nurse and pain medicine, and by the time the nurse is gone, Edward changes his mind and says he will never leave Bella. A lot of this conversation is hard to follow. This may have less to do with Meyer's inability to write straightforward dialogue, and more to do with the fact that I'm really close to finishing this book and am somewhat racing towards the end. Bella asks why she can't become a vampire too, since it worked out for Alice. Edward gets angry, not at Bella, but at Alice for telling Bella about the powers of vamp venom. Bella doesn't want to always be the damsel in distress, and I can understand that. She wants to be just as powerful as Eddie. Of course, this is a slippery slope, because if she becomes a vamp, then Jessica will want to be transformed as well. And then Mike will want in on the vampire fun and the trend will spread faster than Ugg boots. But Edward says he won't turn her into a vampire. He's worried she wouldn't be able to handle the pain. When she argues that she's a tough cookie, he asks what she would do about her parents. She doesn't care what her parents think.

Part of me thinks Edward isn't eager to transform Bella because if she was a vampire, who would he stare at during the night? Jessica? Eric? That girl whose name I thought was Peaches? Plus, he likes to be tough and strong, but if Bella were a vampire too, he would seem average. He would spend most of the time desperately trying to find new ways to one-up her, saying things such as, "So what if you can lift a car over your head. Can you play piano? I can! I can also give you a firsthand account of The Great Depression. Let's see you do that, Vampire-Bella! And I liked Radiohead way before everyone else did. So there!" Edward still refuses to transform Bella, and she wonders what will happen when she gets old. Will he still love her? He says getting old is a part of life. It's natural to get old. Being a vampire is not natural. Because Edward is refusing to turn her into a vampire, she threatens to ask her new BFF Alice to do the honors. This angers Edward. It seems that Alice has already seen a future in which Bella is a vampire. But Edward says that Alice can be wrong. They bicker a while longer. He says she needs to take some pain medicine, but she doesn't want any. He reassures her that he won't leave, and that she has nothing to fear. This is frustrating because a few pages ago he told her that she had lots to fear because being with him puts her in danger. Now, under the same circumstances, she has nothing to fear. It's like telling someone, "Don't lick an electrical outlet because it's dangerous," and then moments later you say, "If you lick electrical outlets, you will have nothing to fear." So confusing. The nurse comes in and gives Bella some medicine. She gets drowsy, and asks Edward to stay. He says he will, which is obvious, because where else would he go? Before passing out from the meds, Bella says she's sure that Alice was right, and one day she will become a vampire. This ends the book, but there's an Epilogue. And then…acknowledgments, which is where I hope all the action and scares are hiding. Predictions: Edward finally agrees to turn Bella into a vampire, but Bella must understand that this counts as both her birthday and Christmas presents. Bella squeals with delight, but come Christmas morning, she's a little disappointed that she didn't get that heart-shaped necklace she was hinting about.

Blogging Twilight: Part 23 Epilogue But wait! There's more! The story keeps going for a chapter-length epilogue. However, all that really happens is that Bella goes to the prom. All right, there's more to it than that. Bella gets all dressed up for a special occasion, but she doesn't know what that occasion is. Alice makes Bella pretty all day at the Cullen house, and then a tuxedo-clad Edward escorts her to the mystery event. The fact that Bella can't figure out that they're going to prom further proves my brain tumor theory. Poor girl. One of the reasons Bella doesn't suspect she's going to the prom is that deep down, she was hoping the fancy clothes were part of a vampire ritual that would transform her from a human into a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. So when she finds out that Edward is taking her to a lousy prom, she's disappointed, to say the least. It's like hoping to go to Space Camp, but ending up at Dirt Camp instead. On the way, Edward receives a phone call from Charlie. It turns out that Tyler has shown up at Bella's house to take her to prom. Charlie puts Tyler on the phone and Edward kindly tells him that Bella is busy tonight and will be busy forever, so Tyler should back off. Presumably, Tyler breaks down crying and Charlie gives him the "There are plenty of other fish in the sea" speech. Then the two bond over a game of Clue. It's the greatest night of Tyler's life. Bella is really mad at the thought of going to the prom. Her usually clumsiness has been magnified by the cast on her leg, so dancing is out of the question. But the ever-cool Edward says it will be fine and reminds her that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie are all going to the prom as well. It hasn't been mentioned in the book (or it was discussed and I don't remember it?), but why do the vampires go to high school? I understand that they want to blend in with society, but at school, they just hang out with each other and stare at the humans. They're not really fitting in at all. Maybe along with blood, vampires need regular doses of Social Studies and morning announcements to survive. Or perhaps they love the smell of those old paperback books on the metal shelf in the English room, the ones that have those hard, Perma-Bound covers that feel like plastic mixed with glue.

Bella is glad that the other vamps will be there, although things are still icy between her and Rosalie. They arrive at the school gym, and Edward gets their tickets. They walk in and see that Emmett and Rosalie are dancing elegantly, as are Jasper and Alice; everyone has formed a circle around the four vampires. Again, they're hardly inconspicuous. A better way to fit in at prom would be to let the women fast dance together, while the guys hang out along the wall telling each other that their date is just a friend. (Even though they all hope it's more than that.) The vampires look even more amazing dressed up in fancy clothes, and since they've had decades to practice, their dance moves are top notch. Edward wants to dance, but Bella freaks out because she's clumsy and has only one good leg. He lifts her up and takes the lead. Bella loves this. But then Jacob "Dog Dude" Black shows up. Edward stares him down, reads his mind, and tells Bella that Jacob came to talk to her. Bella tells Edward to be nice as Jacob approaches. Jake asks to cut in, and Edward lets him. Bella says that Jacob had a growth spurt since the last time she saw him, and now he's over six feet tall. (But this may be a joke that I didn't understand. I'm really confused on the timeline of this story.) Jacob can't (or doesn't) hoist Bella up, so their dancing consists of rocking back and forth. He then comes clean, and says that his dad paid him $20 to come to the prom to talk to Bella. His dad thinks this is the only safe environment for a conversation, because his dad has never heard of a telephone. Jacob is reluctant to broach the topic, but finally tells Bella that his dad thinks Edward was responsible for her accident in Phoenix. Though she promised not to get angry at anything Jacob said, she's a little ticked off by the accusation. He acts nervous and says there's more to the message. After some prying, he finally says that his dad wanted him to tell Bella, "We'll be watching." Are all monsters lecherous old men? Despite the fact that I'm not a teenage girl, after reading that, I got grossed out and quickly put on a robe and snow pants, and I recommend you do the same. You never know who's trying to sneak a peek. With Edward constantly stalking, and now an entire werewolf clan peeping, how's a girl ever suppose to let loose in her bedroom and dance to pop songs in her undies? (Girls do that, right?) Bella isn't mad at Jacob, and the two have a slightly flirty moment when they lock eyes. He asks for another dance, but Edward swoops in, and Jacob leaves. Edward and Bella dance around the gym and head for the back door. She notices her other classmates, but doesn't mention Eric, who I'm worried about. Maybe Eric is at Charlie's house playing Clue with Tyler. Edward and Bella leave the gym and head for a bench outside. Edward says it's twilight, and that everything has an ending. He says he took Bella to the prom because he wants her to enjoy normal, human things. She then confesses that she thought they were going to a vampire ritual tonight, instead of a boring school function.

Edward is confused by this, and says that transforming a human into a vamp is not a dressy event. (It's probably more of a pool party situation.) Bella says she's ready to become a vampire. His face approaches her neck, and he asks if she's really ready. She says she is, and at the last moment, Edward pulls away, teasing her. He says he can't do it. But Bella insists that becoming a vampire is what she wants. She says she loves him more than anything in the world, and Edward kisses her neck. The End. Final Thoughts: The book isn't bad, and it isn't good. Despite what you may think, I didn't hate the story. It just seems very derivative of every other romance/vampire tale out there. I'm shocked that of all the books in the world, this series has connected with people and become a phenomenon. After hearing the hype about Harry Potter, I read the series a few years ago and thought it was really good, especially in the later books, when the stories stopped being Scooby-Doo mysteries. But Twilight failed to impress. Part of the reason is the total lack of humor or fun. The author gave these characters remarkable abilities and then made them complain about it for 400 pages (the baseball scene being the one exception). I enjoyed the little bits of vampire and werewolf lore, but thought there should have been more. I liked Emmett and Alice, and Jacob showed real promise as a likeable character. But I never cared about Bella or Edward. Also, there is nothing scary in this book. I wasn't expecting a bloodfest, but if the story is about vampires, there should be at least a few frights. James was moderately spooky, but I never really believed his motivations. Plus he didn't really pose much of a threat. I've seen episodes of The Price is Right that were more tense than Twilight's most harrowing chapters. (Tell me you never watched a game of Plinko on the edge of your seat, and don't even get me started on that nerve-racking mountain climber.) The good news is that with all the character introductions handled in the first book, the next books have the potential to be more interesting. The bad news is that from what I've heard and read in the comments, this is considered the best book in the series. Predictions for New Moon: The moon is blown up after an epic battle between the vampires and the werewolves. Suddenly, when faced with erratic ocean tides, the two enemies join forces to build a new moon out of friendship and sticky rocks. (Hence the title.) Meanwhile: Bella finally becomes a vampire, but then whines to Jacob that she really wants to be werewolf. Jacob turns her into a werewolf, but then she realizes she wants to be a mummy instead. And after becoming a mummy, she decides she'd rather be a ghost. Then, after becoming a ghost, she demands to be transformed into a goblin. Then she becomes a gnome, a giant spider, a robot, an alien, a living skeleton, a sea hag, and finally some sort of gorilla/tiger thing with wings.

Edward will become infatuated with a new girl who comes to Forks. She is twice as clumsy as Bella (she's blind and wears roller skates) and smells just like Bella but with a hint of lemon. Bella doesn't even stand a chance. Esme will suddenly realize, around page 300, that e-vamp Victoria is still out there. Carlisle will create a plan to catch Victoria that involves going into hiding for eighty years. Jasper will hang out in the background. Alice will predict the future, but will it be too late? (No, it won't.) Rosalie will not say a single word in the entire novel. Charlie will be boring. Renee will open up a Twitter account and talk frankly about her relationship with Phil, much to the embarrassment of Bella. Jacob will grow to be 12 feet tall. Emmett will keep it real, because that's how he rolls. And none of my burning questions will ever be answered.

BLOGGING NEW MOON

Blogging New Moon: Part 1 Few things before we begin: One book down, three to go. For those just tuning in, I'm reading the Twilight series for the first time, and taking a moment after each chapter to jot down some thoughts, questions, and concerns. Then I create a lifelike drawing for each post. As always, I will get things wrong, so please feel free to correct me. That said, let's get moving. These blogs won't read themselves…or will they?! (No. They won't.) Preface Like the first book, New Moon opens with a short preface that places Bella in a very tense, yet mysterious situation. This time, however, she's not in danger, but is racing across a crowded area during the day for some reason. She tells us that Alice cannot be any help because Alice can't run around in the sun, so it's up to Bella to save the day. The preface ends with a clock striking noon. I really hope Emmett is OK. Chapter One: Party Better title: My Kingdom for a Band-Aid The story begins in a dream, and dream sequences, as you know, are awful, overused plot devices. Still, this one is pretty short. In the dream, Bella sees her grandma Marie, and she realizes this is a dream because Grandma Marie has been dead for years. The two share a look and mimic each other's shocked expressions. Before Bella can ask what the heck Granny is doing here, Dream Edward calls out to her. (Dream Edward is like real Edward, only so dreamy that if you gazed upon him, your brain would melt out of your nose and you would experience omni-presence…presumably). Bella is happy to see Dream Edward, but worried about explaining her vampire love to Grandma Marie. Bella doesn't want Edward to come any closer. But then, the twist occurs. Grandma Marie isn't there at all. In fact, Bella was looking at herself in a mirror the whole time. Bella is Grandma Marie! She's old and Edward is still young, with crazy hair. Old Bella hugs him and he wishes her a happy birthday, thus ending the nightmare. She wakes up and realizes it's her birthday. This upsets her, and for most of the chapter she complains about her special day. Being a little upset that you're a year older is understandable, but Bella takes whining to a whole new level. As much as I disliked her

before, I like her even less as this chapter continues. The only way she can redeem herself is if she stops acting like the world's about to end and sends me $20. It upsets Bella to think about getting older while her man-buddy Edward remains the same age. Since he refuses to transform her into a vampire, she only has a few options: • • • • • • •

•

Grow old and die. End her life now and try really hard to come back as ghost (perhaps by holding on to a heavy piece of furniture or a fat guy moments before dying). Dress up as a bear and hope an unsuspecting Edward will bite her, thus transforming her into a vampire. Tickle Edward into submission. Stop the aging process by using a good moisturizer. Catch Spanish Influenza and make sad eyes at Carlisle. Use Edward's toothbrush. (Depending on how contagious vampire venom is, this will either transform her into a vamp, or just give her nasty, super-powered cold sores that can read minds.) Shove her wrist into Edward's mouth when he yawns or sings opera, and then punch his chin upward with her free hand.

Bella drives to school in her old beat up truck that is not a vampire. She's happy to see Edward standing by his silver Volvo in the parking lot, looking like a god crossed with another, more attractive god. Alice, Edward's spunky sister, is there too, and she's holding a present for Bella. This sets Bella off on another "I hate my life. My birthday is horrible. I wish I could die" rant. She doesn't want anyone to fuss over her birthday, which makes me think she's already 87 years old, because that's exactly the kind of thing my grandmother would say. If Bella starts eating dried apricots for dessert and talking about her dead friend Helen in the present tense, I wouldn't be surprised. Alice wishes Bella a happy B-day and asks if she wants her presents now or later. Bella, the party pooper, decrees that presents shall be banned on her birthday. But that didn't stop her parents from getting her gifts; her dad, Charlie, got her a camera, while her mom, Renee, bought her a scrapbook so that she can record her senior year. Alice, who can somehow predict the future, already knows about these gifts, and asks if Bella likes them. I'm still confused about Alice's powers of precognition. I mentioned this before, but have yet to find a satisfying answer. Can Alice only predict things that pertain to the story, or does she spend her entire life flooded with visions, predicting everything from what song will come up on some woman's iPod in Albuquerque, to who will win an arm-wrestling match in Detroit? Alice thinks the scrapbooking idea is great because you only get one senior year, prompting Bella to sarcastically ask, "How many times have you been a senior?" Ooh. Burn. Edward finally speaks up and says he will not wish Bella a happy birthday because that is what she demanded of him. He's such a pushover. He says she should enjoy her birthday like a normal person. But she doesn’t like being one year older than him (though

technically, he's 109, pushing 110). Each birthday is just another reminder that she and he will eventually lose each other. Argh! Can't she just be happy that she gets to spend the next 70-plus year chilling with the most amazing, gorgeous, super-powered dude on the planet (next to Emmett, of course)? Be happy with what you have! Most girls end up with average guys who go bald and whose only superpower is the ability to pass gas without embarrassment. (Or if they're lucky, they marry amazing SparkNotes contributors who are as charming as they are provocative.) And I bet that if she becomes a vampire, she'll start whining about having too many powers and wishing she could just be normal because she'll start to miss the taste of peanut butter. Bella then learns that she's going to the Cullen's house that night for a birthday celebration, much to her displeasure. She tries to make excuses, saying she needs to watch Romeo and Juliet for school. But the excuse doesn't work, and Edward tells Alice that he will bring Bella back to the Cullen house around seven. We learn that Bella has been working a few days a week at a local sporting goods store, and is using the money to save up for college. Right now, however, she is referring to college as her Plan B. Her Plan A involves being turned into a vampire and living with Edward. Um…are vampires not allowed in college? These two plans are not mutually exclusive. She could become a vamp AND earn a bachelors degree. What's she going to do if she turns into a vampire, just hang out eating squirrels and watching Room Raiders on MTV all day? Maybe Carlisle (who has several medical degrees, if I'm not mistaken) forbids higher education in his family because he likes to dominate when they watch Jeopardy. Edward doesn't need to worry about money, because vampires live forever and can establish quite a fortune. Bella mentions that Alice's ability to predict changes in the stock market must help out, and once again, I'm confused by Alice's powers. I thought she could only predict events once a decision has been made. So does she sense when a particular stock "decides" to go up in value? Or is her mind barraged constantly with financial data? I'm starting to suspect that Alice cannot predict a thing and has been lying this whole time just to seem cool. She's like a guy who brags that he once had coffee with Samuel L. Jackson. It's too hard to prove him wrong, so everyone just goes along with it. Edward is thrilled that Bella is thinking about college, and wants to pay her tuition. She won't let him, and while I find Bella's ban on presents irksome, I can understand wanting to earn your own way through college. It's quite admirable, and yet by the chapter's end, I will still hate Bella. Things in cafeteria have changed a bit since last year. Emmett and Rosalie have graduated and there is no longer a "vampires only" table at lunch. Instead, Alice and Edward sit with Bella and her friends, though the vamps stay on one side of the table. Bella's other lunchmates include Jessica and Mike (who are no longer an item), Angela (whose name is not Peaches), Ben, Eric (glad to see he's OK), Conner (who?), Tyler, and Lauren (the girl that doesn’t like Bella, whose name is also not Peaches).

After school, Bella drives Edward back to her house. He complains about her rusty truck and its lack of a good radio. The two share a kiss, and once again, Bella can't control herself. Edward breaks it up, reminding us all that if he is overcome with passion, he would kill her. They go inside and watch Romeo and Juliet. Edward says he's not a fan of Romeo. But Romeo is one of Bella's all-time favorite fictional characters. (No one asked, but my favorite characters include Atticus Finch, Huck Finn, and Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes. But Emmett is creeping up the list.) Edward says Romeo is an idiot for ruining a good thing. Bella is a little ticked off at all this chatting, and says she needs to concentrate. Edward asks if she'll cry while watching the movie, and she says chances are good that tears will flow if she's allowed to focus on the story. He likes the thought of her crying, so he says he'll shut up. Edward is an old, perverted man who enjoys watching teenagers weep. This relationship gets creepier and creepier. By the end of the series, he'll be asking Bella to dress up as a sexy nurse and throw burning matches at his face while she cries into a bucket so he can drink her tears. The movie ends, and Bella does let loose a few tears. The ending of Romeo and Juliet (spoiler alert: they die) brings up the subject of suicide. Edward thinks humans are so lucky because they can easily kill themselves. Bella doesn’t understand what he's hinting at, and he finally comes clean, confessing he thought of suicide when he wasn't sure he would be able to save her from the evil James. He says suicide is really hard for vampires, and the only way he could kill himself would be to go to Italy and upset the Volturi, a group of ancient vampires who don’t like being messed with. (You may recall these vampires were mentioned briefly in the last book.) Bella is mad that Edward even thought about killing himself. There's more "you are my life" talk, and then Bella's dad comes home with pizza. Apparently Charlie doesn't ask why Edward refuses to eat people-food. He just accepts it, like when you bring a friend over to your house and your mom notices that he uses a lot of toilet paper, but isn't about to ask why. Edward asks Charlie if he can take Bella out tonight, and Charlie says it's all right. Charlie also encourages Bella to take pictures with her new camera. It also seems that Charlie digs Alice, since Alice helped Bella after the battle with James. Bella and Edward leave and head for the Cullen house, where a birthday celebration is waiting. Edward asks that Bella try to have a good time and not ruin everything with her ugly attitude. He says the Cullens haven't had a birthday to celebrate since Emmett's in 1935. Why don't vampires celebrate birthdays? By now, they could have had, like, hundreds of free Happy Ending Sundaes at Friendly's. The good news is that Emmett will be at the party. The bad news is that Rosalie, who doesn't like Bella very much, will also be there. Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa for some reason (were-rhinos? Please, oh please tell me there are were-rhinos in Africa and Emmett must hunt them down with an automatic crossbow and a chain whip!), but the cover story in Forks is that they went off to college. Emmett, who is awesome and great, didn't want to miss Bella's birthday, so they came home.

Bella is delighted that Emmett will be there, but she's no fan of Rosalie. Before they left for the party, Bella took a picture of Edward with her new camera, and now, as they walk into the house, she asks if vampires can have their picture taken, and what will happen when she develops the film. Develops? What the hell does that word mean? Perhaps she misspelled "upload." The lovebirds walk into the house, and are greeted by everyone shouting, "Happy birthday!" The house is decorated with pink roses, silver, and crystal. It's very impressive, but a properly planned Dora the Explorer-themed party could be just as classy, and twice as fun. Bella responds to the decorations and all the attention by telling us, "It was a hundred times worse than I'd imagined." After reading that sentence, I've decided that Bella is the worst character in literature, beating out Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Dr. Doom from The Fantastic Four. What an ungrateful, horrible, lousy person. Emmett is happy to see Bella, but quickly excuses himself with a wink and goes outside. Alice and Jasper greet Bella, and Jasper, who still loves human blood a bit too much, acts distant and odd. Alice then says it's time to open presents, and gives Bella a box. There is nothing inside. The box contained a new stereo for Bella's truck, which Emmett ran out to install so that Bella wouldn't be able to return the gift. How tricky. Alice then gives Bella another present to open, this one from Edward. She gives him a mean stare, but he assures her that he didn't spend any money on the gift. As she opens the present, the wrapping paper cuts her finger, and all hell breaks loose. Edward screams, "No!" Jasper gets his hungry eyes and charges at Bella, and Edward comes running over and pushes her out of the way and over a table, crashing into some glassware (side note: Why do vampires have glassware? I thought most of their meals were eaten on the go). Jasper runs into Edward, creating a loud, rock-like sound. The amazing Emmett then holds Jasper back. As Bella looks around, she realizes the crash caused a more severe cut on her hand, and now she has six hungry vampires staring down at her. Prediction: Jasper shouts "Five-second rule!" before diving for Bella's blood on the floor. Later, Bella nicks her leg while shaving. Jasper goes nuts, but Edward protects Bella. The insane, ravenous Jasper kills hundreds of people in his maddened state of bloodlust. The next day he apologizes to Bella and offers her a bottle of Nair with a sheepish grin. All is forgiven.

Blogging New Moon: Part 2 Chapter Two: Stitches Better title: Bella's BooBoo Ends The World Despite the setup from the end of the last chapter, no one eats Bella. Emmett and Rosalie escort the hungry Jasper outside, probably to give him a rabbit to munch on or treat him to a monkey (I assume monkey blood taste like human blood, only a bit tangier). Edward and Alice try to stick around, but the blood, and the tension it caused, is too much for them and they both leave Carlisle alone with Bella. Everyone is acting way too dramatic. It's not like Jasper killed Bella. He didn't even lick her, or try to sop up some of her blood with bread. The Cullens need to relax. Accidents happen. I bet if a similar situation occurred at a werewolf's house, the wolves would just laugh it off and then get back to wrestling sharks. Carlisle offers to drive Bella to the emergency room, but she says she'd rather have him treat her here at their house. As Carlisle begins stitching her wound, she asks him a few questions, such as how can he be around blood all the time and not freak out like Jasper. Carlisle says it comes from years of practice and experience. I'd hate to have been his first patient, or worse, his malpractice insurer. Since Carlisle spends so much time working at the hospital, Bella wonders if the constant exposure to blood has built up his resistance and willpower. That's understandable. It's a lot like a chocolate factory employee who is so sick of seeing candy all day that she never touches the stuff, or a swimsuit photographer who is so tired of scantily clad models that he can only get turned on by women wearing thick sweaters and astronaut space suits. Bella tries to take her mind off of her injury, and continues talking with Carlisle. She asks what made him turn to medicine, since a vampire doctor makes about as much sense as an alcoholic bar owner. He says that he became a doctor not out of guilt about being a vampire, but because he loves to help people. OK, but I still don't get why he chose a profession where he's surrounded by blood. If I were him, and I had a strong desire to help people, I'd become a massage therapist instead. Not only do massage therapists help people, but the only way someone can die on a massage table is from extreme pleasure or a stray bullet.

After Carlisle finishes cleaning and sewing up Bella, she asks why he chose to fight his evil vampire nature and become a good guy. He says his decision to be good has less to do with making amends for being a monster, and more to do with his strong belief in God. Things begin to get a bit preachy here, and I tune out and start tapping The William Tell Overture against the book cover. I get a pretty good beat going as the two characters debate the existence of vampire souls. Carlisle believes there is a point to everything, a meaning to life, and that even vampires have a capacity for good and a reason for living. Bella agrees, and he's a bit taken aback, since no one, not even his family members, agrees with him. I've stopped thumping The William Tell Overture and am trying to focus. According to Carlisle, Edward believes in God and heaven and hell, but doesn't think vampires are included in that scenario. To Edward, vampires are soulless beings. Carlisle then asks if Bella would be willing to take a soul. And then there's more chatter about choices, souls, and responsibility. I think they're talking about the prospect of Bella becoming a vampire, but honestly, I reread this section a few times and I'm still not sure what is being said. It seems like a bunch of gibberish. A more clearly worded back-andforth may have helped, and I offer the following suggestion: CARLISLE: God is real and vampires are good. BELLA: I know! CARLISLE: That's so cool. No one else believes me. BELLA: Not even Edward? CARLISLE: Edward doesn't believe he has a soul. BELLA: That's stupid. I like Edward's eyeballs. CARLISLE: But Bella, would you be willing to take a soul if it meant the soul you took was a soul that was missing a soul, and that the missing soul was also the soul of another soul? BELLA: Yes. I understand exactly what you mean. CARLISLE: Yay! Wanna go eat hamsters? BELLA: [Sarcastically] No, Carlisle. I don't want to eat hamsters. [Super excited] Of course I want to eat hamsters, silly goose. I'll grab the hammer, you get the tiny net. Carlisle then reveals a bit about Edward's real mother, Elizabeth Masen, who was suffering from the same influenza that killed her husband and infected her son (both named Edward). Elizabeth was on death's door and was still trying to help her son, who was also in bad shape. Before dying, Elizabeth, as if sensing Carlisle's vampire powers, begged him to do whatever he could to save her son. Carlisle, who was lonely and had been thinking about making a vampire buddy, decided to transform the dying Edward Masen into the vampire Edward Cullen. If I were a lonely vampire, the first person I would transform into my vampire buddy would not be some sad, recently-orphaned teenager. For my eternal friend, I would choose an attractive young lady, or a ninja, or Abe Lincoln. Or maybe a good, loyal dog would be the best undead companion. This brings up another question: Can a vampire infect a species other than human beings? Can they make vampire hawks? Vampire worms? Vampire oak trees? And if a vampire

infects another vampire, does that vampire become super powered? Maybe a second vampire just grows out of his back like a tumor. Because I can't seem to find Stephenie Meyer's phone number, I will try to answer all vampire combination questions myself, in a forthcoming 900-page single-spaced reference book entitled Vampire Plus One Equals Fun. Back to the story. Carlisle asks if he can take Bella to her house, and Edward pops in saying that he will escort her home, but first she needs to change out of the bloody clothes or else Charlie will freak out at the sight of her. Alice gives Bella one of Rosalie's shirts to wear. Bella asks if Jasper is OK, and Alice says he's really upset at himself for acting like that. Bella feels awful about the whole silly mess, but everyone tries to reassure her that it was no one's fault. Alice gives Bella her remaining, unopened birthday presents. Then Edward and Bella drive off in silence. She can't handle the awkwardness and finally asks for forgiveness, prompting Edward to say she has nothing to be sorry for, and that everything was his fault. The blame game is played quite a bit in his chapter, and to help make everyone feel better, I decree that the accident was all Eric's fault. If Eric had been more attractive and charming, Bella would have fallen for him instead of Edward, and none of this would have happened. They arrive at Bella's house, and she pleads with Edward to stay the night. (He usually watches her sleep because he's a pervert. But they can't have sex because he would kill her, so he's a rather wholesome pervert.) He agrees to stay because it's her birthday. He sneaks into her room with her birthday present, as Bella goes through the front door and quickly says goodnight to her dad. In her room, Edward helps Bella open the first present since her arm is injured. Carlisle and Esme have given her and Edward plane tickets to Florida so that they can go visit her mom and her mom's boyfriend (husband? sugar daddy?) Phil. Bella loves the gift, and Edward starts to think that maybe he should have spent money on the gift her got her, since she's now a birthday princess who loves expensive presents. But Bella says she'll love whatever his present is. He opens it for her, and inside is a blank CD. He plops the disc into her CD player, and she wells up with tears at the sound: Eddie made a mix CD of his own songs for Bella. The first song is the lullaby he wrote for her, and the rest of the CD probably includes such Eddie C. hits as "Dolphin Blood Hangover" and "Lions, and Tigers, and Bears…Oh Yum!" Bella complains that her arm hurts, and Edward grabs some painkillers from the hallway. He returns, she takes the meds, and then he puts her to bed. Before falling asleep, she asks for one more birthday present: a kiss. A typical Edward/Bella smooch ensues, but he suddenly becomes more passionate than before, losing control a little bit and rustling up her hair in a hot, sexy manner. Then he ends the kiss. Bella is about to drift off to sleep when she remembers the last time Edward kissed her like that was when he was leaving her to hunt James. It's his goodbye smooch, and this scares Bella. Where's he going? Prediction: Bella's fears of Edward leaving worsen when he gives her a hug that lasts

slightly longer than usual. She also gets suspicious when she spots him at the mall buying a map of Alaska, luggage, and a copy of "Breaking Up With Your Star-Crossed Lover For Dummies."

Blogging New Moon: Part 3 Chapter Three: The End Better title: Don't Cry. There Are Plenty of One True Loves in the Sea. Bella is feeling lousy. Her awkward yet hot kiss with Edward makes her think that all is not right with their relationship. Plus her injuries still hurt, so this morning is a rough one. She gets up, and Edward gives her a good morning kiss on the head before he leaps out the window. At school, he is not acting like himself. Something is definitely up. Maybe he's thinking of breaking up with Bella. Maybe he has a nervous stomachache because he didn't study for the math test. (Been there.) Maybe he has a stuffy nose, and since he's no longer enchanted by Bella's odor, he sees her as the whiny sad sack that she is. They share a few quick words. Bella is anxious to see Alice so she can ask her how Jasper is doing. But Alice isn't in in school today. Edward says she went with Jasper to Denali, where a vampire family much like the Cullens resides. (Maybe they have a version of Emmett there!) One of these vampires is named Tanya, which I'm sure is just a nickname for something long and elegant like Tanyathia. Laurent, the evil vampire from the last book who ran away instead of helping the Cullens, also went to Tanya's to chill out. So Tanya is running a hotel for wimpy vampires. By the way, are Alice and Jasper a couple? I know they came to the Cullen family together, but are they romantically linked? You never see them kiss or hold hand hands or drink blood flirtatiously from two straws stuck into a dying rabbit. If they are a couple, I think the fun, friendly Alice can do better. She should date Jacob or Jimmy Fallon. This other vampire family will probably play a larger role later in the story. In an effort to remember all this information, I made a mnemonic device, "Roy G. Biv," which stands for: Remember Other tanYa Group are Buddies, Indigo Violet. For the rest of the day, Edward doesn't say much. After school, Bella asks him if he'll stop by later when she gets off work. He says he'll come over if that's what she wants. This is relationship speak for, "only if I have to." Such as when you ask your girlfriend if she wants pizza for dinner and she says, "Sure. If that's what you want," which means she actually wants pancakes.

He kisses her forehead and she drives off to work at the sporting good store (which is owned by Mike's family. This probably isn't important, but maybe Mike's family is a clan of pirate ghosts, so I should keep track of them). Bella is freaking out about what the simple paper cut has caused. I still cannot believe the Cullen family is in disarray over a little spilled blood. These folks survived through two world wars, the Great Depression, the Cold War, the rap-metal music trend, the turbulent 1960s, and countless years of high school. They should be tough enough to deal with a boo-boo and some broken dishes. I'd hate to think what would have happen if Bella got a bloody nose. The family would probably panic and run around the town babbling and weeping and stamping their feet so hard in madness that their bodies would split in twain like Rumpelstiltskin. One commenter mentioned the problems that come with Bella's time of the month. I won't go there with theories and questions, but it's a darn good point nonetheless. Bella imagines things will be better at the end of the school year if Edward runs away with her. At work, her mind races, but she is relieved to see his car at her house when she gets home. Edward and Charlie are camped out in front of the TV watching Sports Center. The two guys say hello to Bella and go back to watching the show. (Edward likes sports? I always thought he was more of a PBS or Animal Planet HD kind of guy.) Charlie tells Bella there is cold pizza in the kitchen and she goes to eat while Edward continues to watch TV. There's something going on, and Bella doesn't like it. Alone in the kitchen, she thinks about life without the Cullen family, and hopes that Edward will take her away from all of this. She thinks about leaving her dad and what she would tell her mom, and says that eventually she would return with Edward once this whole thing blew over. OK. I'm not exactly clear what the big deal is. Jasper isn't ready to hang out with humans. I understand that. But why is it a huge problem? He can just chill out in the basement and play video games when Bella comes over. That's what I used to do when my family would visit on Christmas. Or let Alice and Jasper go live down the block. These "teens" are at least 80 years old, and it's about time they got their own place, right? Heck, most parents boot their kids out of the house after college. The Cullens need each other because they all share the same dietetic philosophy, but they don't need to live under the same roof. And even if this is such a huge deal, wouldn't all of it go away if Edward just made Bella a vampire? The simplest solution is usually the best, so bite Bella and everyone can go on with their lives. The faster we solve this nonsense, the sooner we get to the werewolves with (fingers crossed) jetpacks. Still alone in the kitchen, Bella looks at the scrapbook her mom bought her and thinks about filling it with pictures and memories. She grabs her camera and tries to get a sneaky shot of her dad and Edward. Charlie isn't a fan of having his picture taken and acts like a brat. Then there is more uncomfortable silence between Edward and Bella as they sit in front of the TV. After the show ends, Edward says he needs to get back home, thus ending the world's least romantic date. (Hey, they can't all be walks in picturesque meadows and all-night face-touching parties.)

Bella has a rough night, and gets up early. She takes a few pictures of her house, thinking that if Edward takes her away, she will want some memories of this place. At school, he remains quiet and distant. At lunch, she takes pictures of her non-vampire friends and on the way to work, she drops off the film to be developed. She picks it up later that night. When she gets the pictures back home, she's surprised to see that Edward's photo not only came out just fine, but that he looks as god-like as ever. She puts the photos in the scrapbook, and labels them. She takes the second set of prints and puts them in an envelope to send to her mom in Florida. I guess her mom gets a kick out of seeing pictures of old houses and people she doesn't really know. Edward does not come over at night, and once again Bella doesn't sleep well. She can't take this awkwardness and decides she needs to talk things out with him. But at school, he asks to come over to her house before she can even suggest it. She says that's fine, but first she wants to send the pictures to her mom. He says he can mail the letter and still get to Bella's house faster than she can in her old truck. At her house, Edward is waiting and invites her for a walk. This isn't good at all. The only time couples go for walks is when they are about to break up, or when they are old and think walking around the block once will help them lose 50 pounds. They haven't walked too far when he drops a bomb on Bella: he's leaving Forks with all the Cullens. He makes up excuses, saying that his family can't stay here much longer since people will begin to notice that they don't age. But the real reason is they need to leave because of the Jasper incident, and because they are a family of overreacting morons. Naturally, Bella doesn't take the news very well. She yells at him, reminding him that he promised to stay with her after the James attack. He retorts that he promised to stay as long as it was best for her. Now things have changed. She screams, "No! This about my soul, isn't it." If you want to have fun with this over-dramatic section of the book, replace all instances of the word "soul" with the word "earwax." Bella says Edward can make her vampire, because she doesn't want a soul if it means being without him. Then he coldly says he doesn't want her…at all. If you're going to break up with someone, and want to drive the point home, that'll do it. Even I wanted to slap him when he said that, and I hate Bella. She is taken aback by the harsh words. He softens things a bit by saying he will always love her, but can no longer pretend to be human. He has to move on before she gets seriously hurt. She pleads with him to stay and he responds with, "You're not good for me, Bella," which is something I also say to cookies before eating them. (I name all cookies "Bella.") Finally, she realizes she's fighting a losing battle and has nothing left to argue. He asks her to promise him not to do anything reckless. She promises. Then he says that this will be the last time she will ever see him. And it will be as though they never met. So I just read almost 500 pages for nothing?

Edward admires humans because they can forget things. As bad as Bella feels now, time will help ease the pain. He says, "We won't bother you again"—"we" meaning the other vampires, I suppose. The rest of the Cullens have already moved on to a secret location. (Remember, Roy G. Biv!) As he leaves and says goodbye, she cries out to him and tries to grab him, but her shoves her arms down to her sides and says, "Take care of yourself" before disappearing into the woods. Poor Bella is all alone. She tries to run after him, but she's much too slow. After hiking through the woods, she falls and stays on the ground curled up in a ball. She stays there for hours and the night is completely dark because of the new moon. (That's where the title comes from. Although, to be more scientifically accurate, the book could have been called, "Moon Not Visible Due To Alignment With Sun.") It rains and she's so depressed she can't even move. After a while she hears someone calling her name. Later she hears an animal sound nearby; I'm guessing this is a werewolf looking for her. (Yay!) Finally, Sam Uley finds her. He's part of the Native American tribe who live on the nearby reservation. (And I think they are werewolves, and I hope they are amazing.) He carries her back to her house, and all Bella can say is, "He's gone." (Meaning Edward…or perhaps she had a secret crush on Emmett, or it finally hit home that Heath Ledger is dead.) Charlie moves her into the house, where Dr. Gerandy (who I don't think is a vampire or a werewolf) examines her. There are more Native Americans in the house along with Mike Newton and his dad and a few other people. The doctor says Bella isn't hurt and is just suffering from exhaustion. Charlie asks the doctor if it's true that the Cullens left suddenly. He says it is, and that Dr. Cullen got a job in Los Angeles. The exhausted Bella rests on the couch as her dad answers phone calls. And after one call, presumably from the police station, Charlie quickly calls Billy Black (Jacob's dad) and asks if the Native Americans are burning bonfires. Apparently the tribe is celebrating the news that the vampires have left town, because vampires and werewolves do not get along. Because she was responsible for the vampires' exit, maybe the werewolves will give Bella a trophy. Or build a statue in her honor. Or send her a Visa gift card (because then she can get something she really wants). Charlie asks Bella what happened, and she says Edward didn't leave her in the woods— she went chasing after him and got lost. It seems that he snuck into her house and left a note in Bella's handwriting, telling her dad where to find her. Bella is tired of the questions and goes to her room because she's worried that leaving a note was not all Edward did while she was crying in the woods. She's right: he also took back the CD he made for her and swiped all the pictures she took of him. He left no trace of his existence, just as he had promised. Bella feels sad and goes into a deep depression.

Prediction: After a few days of being sad, Bella finally starts dating again. Matters quickly turn sour when, on a date with Mike, Bella constantly attempts to ride his back while rubbing glitter all over his face and screaming, "Say I smell good. Say it! Say it! Say I smell like freesia!" Mike runs away in tears.

Blogging New Moon: Part 4 Chapter Four: Waking Up Better Title: Skip This Chapter Uh-oh. My copy of the book is defective. The first few pages of this chapter are almost completely blank. They just feature the words "October," "November," "December," and "January." If someone out there has a calendar that instead of listing months features a story about a whiny teen who doesn't have any fun, please contact me. I think there was some sort of mixup at the calendar/book publishing house. Fine, I get it: Author Stephenie Meyer thought it'd be clever to show the passing of time by using an entire page to represent a month. So the first few pages of this chapter include only the name of that month, and nothing else. It's wasted space, and in the interest of "going green," readers should use these pages to make shopping lists, create a short flip-book, or make cootie catchers (also known as "origami fortune tellers" in some neighborhoods and "strange, tiny paper hats" in other areas). When the story picks up again, it's only for a brief paragraph in which the pretentious Bella compares enduring the passing of time to feeling a pulse beneath a bruise. This is followed by more empty space. (I used this space to practice Tic-Tac-Toe strategies, including the controversial Belvedere Offensive, wherein the player starts by placing an X in the middle-right square.) The chapter finally begins on the next page with Bella's dad yelling. He's upset that Bella is still in her sad mood after four months. He threatens to send her to her mom's house in Florida, and she fights back, saying she hasn't done anything wrong. Charlie is mad because not only has she done nothing wrong, she's done nothing at all. She should be having fun being a teenager instead of moping around the house trying not to think about Edward. There are movies too see, value menus to try, concert tickets with exorbitant hidden service fees to buy. She's wasting her teenage years. Bella asks Charlie if he wants her to get into trouble, and he says that getting into trouble would at least show that she was still alive inside. Instead of acting like an emotionless robot, he wants her to do something, anything—which is strange advice coming from a single dad who spends his free time watching TV and eating breakfasts. They fight for a bit. Charlie says breakups can be hard, but Bella needs to move on. He suggests she see a psychiatrist. She reminds us that she can't see a professional because that would necessitate telling the truth about vampires, and no one would believe her, so it's easier to shut up about the whole mess and feel miserable.

Side note: If you knew that vampires were real, and knew all about their powers and abilities as well as their names, why wouldn't you tell someone? You could make money writing a book on the subject, and you'd probably get your own documentary special on the Sy Fy channel, even if you couldn't provide any evidence. To appease her dad, Bella says she'll go out with Jessica tonight. But Charlie says that's not enough, and really pushes her to move to Florida. She says she can't just leave high school with only one semester remaining. Finally, her dad gets fed up and says the real reason she's sticking around Forks is because she hopes Edward will come back, but since he hasn't even sent a letter, chances aren't good that he will return. This sets Bella off and she leaves the table to head for school. By the way, isn't the evil vampire Victoria still on the prowl and hungry for Bella's blood? With no one around to protect Bella, Victoria could strike at any time. Perhaps she's just waiting for the right moment, hoping Bella will expose her neck while looking up at a hot air balloon or will dramatically tip her head to the side while trying to get water out of her ear. Or maybe we're to assume Emmett annihilated Victoria when we weren't looking. Bella arrives at school. In calculus class, she starts to talk to Jessica. It seems that the months of being depressed have hurt the girls' friendship, and now Jess is a bit snotty towards Bella. Bella tries her best to be friendly, but Jessica acts cold and unfriendly. I thought Jessica was one of the nice ones. Perhaps during the past few months she fell in love with a sea creature, only to have her heart broken when the sea creature decided to go into hiding for no real reason. That would explain her mood. Bella asks the suddenly evil Jessica if she wants to go to the movies tonight, and after thinking it over, Jessica agrees. They decide to see Dead End, a zombie movie. Bella doesn't want to see anything with romance involved, so a horror movie is probably her best bet, assuming the theater isn't showing a movie about the Vietnam War or Ice Age 9: Follow That 'Dactyl. Bella arrives at her house after school, though she doesn't remember the drive. She's in such a depressed state that everything is a blur. I've never felt like that over a breakup, but sometimes when I'm watching a show and then change the channel during a commercial, I cannot remember what show I was originally watching. So I feel her pain. In her room, she notices the stereo that Emmett installed in her car. After Edward left, she couldn't stand the sight of the stereo, so she ripped it out of her car with her fingernails. It's a good thing Emmett didn't give her a tongue ring or a puppy. Jessica arrives to take Bella to the theater in Port Angeles. The conversation gets off to a rocky start, and it's clear that Jessica is still mad at Bella for being depressed and unsociable. But she perks up when Bella asks about boys. Jessica reveals she went on a date with Eric (way to go E-rock!). But she says she doesn't really like Eric. (Don't worry, E-rock. You're too good for her anyway!) Jessica gossips all the way to the movie theater. The movie begins like a typical horror film, with a couple walking alone. This brief bit of romance is too much for Bella, and she excuses herself to the lobby to get some popcorn. She returns after the couple has

been eaten by zombies. She describes the rest of the flick as gory and scary, and I wish I were watching that movie right now. During the climax of the movie, when the zombie is chasing a young woman, Bella realizes that she has become a zombie herself—an emotional zombie. She has become a shell of a person without Edward. This realization is too much for her to handle, and she walks out of the theater moments before the movie ends. (Don't you hate people like that?) After the movie, the girls go look for a place to eat, but their walk to the fast food joint is interrupted when they come across some unsavory men standing outside a bar. Something bad must have happened to Stephenie Meyer in Port Angeles (which is a real place. I looked it up) because whenever the town is brought up in the story, she describes every male inhabitant as scary and/or drunk. Perhaps Port Angeles is located on a pirate ship or inside a wild west saloon. This is just like Bella's trip to Port Angeles in the first book. Back then, scary dudes cornered her on the streets, but Edward swooped in to save her life. Since he's not around anymore, the situation is much more tense. And by "tense," I mean "long-winded and boring." What follows is a couple pages of Bella being both scared of these men and mystified by them. She thinks they might be the same bad guys from last year and, I guess, she wants to face her fears. To quickly sum up what happens in these bloated pages, she's drawn to the scary guys, but then hears Edward's voice in her head reminding her to be careful. She still walks towards the guys, and Edward's voice yells at her again. Finally she gets close to the men and realizes these are not the same baddies from last year, but instead are just some typical drunk guys who probably didn't mean her any harm. Hearing Edward's voice freaks her out, because it means either she's crazy and hearing voices, or her subconscious mind is using Edward's voice to protect her. Other options include: It's just Edward's echo bouncing around the buildings of Port Angeles for the past year, or the mean-spirited Jessica can do a spot-on Edward impersonation and loves to toy with Bella's emotions. She talks to guys standing outside the bar, and they invite her in, but she refuses. When she turns around, she sees a stunned Jessica. I'm glad she didn't go into the bar, because a drunk Bella is probably worse than a sober Bella, and she would go on and on, blabbering, "And then Eddie was like…pfff. And he left. And I didn't leave. And he left. I was in the woods! And it was sad. It was so sad. I like pretzels. These pretzels…we need more of 'em. OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG! We have to dance to this song. Will you touch me on the face?" Then she'd puke, cry, and laugh all at the same time. Back with Jessica, Bella makes up an excuse for going towards the strange guys, saying she thought they looked familiar. Jessica responds with, "You are so odd, Bella Swan. I feel like I don't know who you are," which is something I say after reading every sentence in this book. (And sometimes I sing it as if I were in a rock opera entitled, "Bella Bella What the Hella.")

The girls eat in silence, and Jessica is very angry with Bella. Why? All Bella did was talk to some older guys. Jessica shouldn't be so upset about that. Perhaps she's really mad because Bella made her leave the movie before the credits ended, and now she'll never know if there was a funny outtake tacked on to the end of the film, or who the second unit director was. On the ride home, Bella starts to feel something other than depressed numbness. She feels a bit of pain and relief. The slight risk she took by talking with the bar guys, along with hearing Edward's voice, has somehow awakened her. Nasty Jessica drops her off at home in a huff. Inside, Charlie is waiting for Bella and demands to know where she went. She tells him she just went to the movies with Jessica. He grumbles but then seems glad that she got out of the house. In her room, she gets very emotional and tries to understand her feelings. It's all very touchy-feely, greeting card crap, and I think much of this chapter could have been avoided if she just drowned her sorrows in ice cream and raw cookie dough. Prediction: Edward's voice haunts Bella yet again, warning her that women over the age of 30 should take calcium supplements because osteoporosis is no laughing matter. Out of anger towards Edward, Bella tries to defy the warnings, but in the end she cannot risk having low bone density.

Blogging New Moon: Part 5 Chapter Five: Cheater Better Title: Bella Doesn't Kill Herself At All At the sporting goods store, Mike tells Bella to leave early because business is slow today. As she gets ready to leave, two shoppers talk about a recent bear sighting; apparently, the bear was big and black. I'm assuming that this bear is actually a werewolf, and suddenly I become interested in the story again. With some free time on her hands, Bella doesn't want to go back home and deal with her concerned father, so she drives around aimlessly. She hasn't been sleeping well and is suffering from the same nightmare every night, which makes her wake up screaming. This has become so common in the Swann house that her dad doesn't even check on her after she screams, just like most people don't even flinch when a car alarm goes off. Her nightmare doesn't seem very scary: She's walking around in the forest, lost. I've had daydreams that were more frightening. For instance, just now, staring at my laptop, I thought, "Wouldn't it be horrible if every time I hit a key on the keyboard a kitten died, but I didn't know about it, so throughout my life I've unknowingly killed millions of poor kittens, and even writing this sentence may have wiped out an entire family of young cats?" Now that's scary. Bella continues to drive around and think about Edward and her pain. I was warned that this book contained a lot of emotional Bella thoughts, and it does. But believe it or not, I'm going to cut her a little slack here. Breakups are hard, especially if it's with your first love, and especially if the breakup was caused by your inability to not bleed. So for the rest of this chapter, and this chapter alone, I will not poke fun at Bella for feeling miserable, because for once, she has something to feel miserable about. In her mind, she goes over Edward's final words, in which he made her this deal: He will disappear and make it seem as though he never existed, and in return, she must promise to be safe. This is the worst treaty every created. It's like a bully who says he will hit you hard in the neck, but in exchange, you must give him $5. It doesn't make sense, and only a fool would make such a pledge. Bella should have negotiated better terms. For instance: Edward leaves forever and lets Bella keep the photos. In exchange, she will be careful when driving and dealing with werewolves, but she can ride her bicycle without a helmet (only on the driveway and in cul-de-sacs).

OR Edward leaves and takes the photos, but he promises to come back every Christmas and Flag Day if Bella promises to never leave her house and never stand in front of the microwave when it's in use. Emotions are overtaking poor Bella, and she realizes that she shouldn't be driving. She pulls over and curls up on the seat of her truck, mashing her face against the steering wheel. If I wasn't trying to be nice towards her during this chapter, I would make fun of her right now. Instead, I just shake my head, grin sympathetically, and say, "Keep your chin up and your nose clean, kiddo. The world ain't done with you yet." (When talking to a book, it works best if you sound like an actor from the 1940s.) She finally understands that the deal she made with Edward was stupid, because while he took all the photos and material things that could remind her of his existence, he couldn't take her memory or change the fact that she's a different person now. So when he said, "It will be as if I'd never existed," he was lying. Since he was allowed to lie about his promise, she thinks she can lie about her promise to stay safe, and wants to do something stupid and dangerous to get back at him. But without vampires, there is nothing dangerous in Forks. (Unlike the den of hell that is Port Angeles.) Fate is on her side: she parked her car in front of a yard where two motorcycles are being advertised as "For Sale." Riding a motorcycle is just the type of danger Bella is looking for. A fellow classmate of hers lives at the house; she goes to the door, and the classmate's younger brother answers. She asks about the bikes, and the kid says the motorcycles don't run at all and she can have them for free because his mom is making his dad throw them out. Bella only needs one motorcycle to be reckless, but the kid suggests she take both and use the parts from one to fix the other. She's worried about her dad finding out; he has forbidden her to ride a motorcycle. As a police officer, he's seen too many accidents to let his daughter ride on a death machine. Motorcycles can certainly be dangerous, but there are other ways Bella can act recklessly that won't require her to pay a mechanic first. Why waste the time and money? Instead, she could live dangerously right this very moment by eating trans fats, or by going to an airport without photo I.D., or by doing aerobics without stretching. As they load the motorcycles on the truck, the young kid once again tells Bella that the bikes need a lot of work. She thinks about taking them to the overpriced mechanic in town, but then remembers Jacob Black, the car-savvy Native American who is probably a werewolf. (He is my third favorite character in this series, behind Emmett and Alice, and slightly ahead of Bella's truck and that guy named Conner who has only been mentioned twice). Jacob could probably help her fix the bikes. When she gets home, she calls Charlie at the police station to get directions to Jacob's house. Charlie and Jacob's dad Billy are good friends, and he is more than happy to give

Bella the info. But Bella still wants to keep the motorcycles a secret and hopes that Billy won't find out and rat her out. She quickly drives over to the Blacks' house, and finds it strangely familiar. Jacob is happy to see her, and has grown even more since the last book, standing an impressive 6'5". He's a bit more grown up and still has long black hair. Bella doesn't seem romantically interested in him, but she likes him a lot as a friend. Of course, since she has a fetish for powerful mythical monsters, once it's revealed that he's a werewolf, she'll probably fall all over him and his musky scent. (Although I may be getting ahead of myself. If I'm wrong about Jacob being a werewolf, I will be disappointed, and the editorial I'm writing for the New York Times entitled "Jacob is a Werewolf for Sure" will fail to connect with readers.) Jacob and Bella share a friendly conversation. It's nice to see two teens talk and act like teenagers, instead of acting like brooding, dramatic ninnies. Bella says hi to Billy, but quickly leaves with Jacob and heads to his garage out back. While he's showing off his 1986 Rabbit (the car, not the animal), she asks if he'd be willing to help her rebuild the motorcycles. Without giving it a second thought, he said he'd love to. She offers to pay for his service, but Jacob, being the awesome guy that he is, refuses the money. Finally, after some friendly bickering, they strike a deal: In exchange for fixing the bikes, he will get to keep one, and Bella will pay for all the parts if he teaches her how to ride when the bikes are done. Had she made a similar deal with Edward, the terms would probably be something like: Bella pays for the parts and service, and when the bikes are done, Edward gets to ride both of them at the same time, and she can only ride one for half an hour on her birthday. Yep, I like Jacob. He's friendly, funny, and handy. If Bella needed car help from Edward, all he would be able to do is serenade the car with a love song and then kiss the roof of the car in hopes that his romantic gestures would do the trick. Jacob isn't so…precious. He is now 16, and Bella is 18. The age difference shouldn't be a problem since the age difference between Bella and her last man-buddy was well into the double digits. But Bella still sees Jacob as a friend, and hopes she's not leading him on. Open your eyes, woman! Jacob (next to Emmett) is the best guy in town. He agrees to keep this project a secret. It won't be too difficult to hide the bikes at the Black house, since his dad uses a wheelchair and cannot get out to the garage. The chapter ends with Bella feeling happy, and glad that Jacob is her friend. And I'm happy that she's no longer curled up in a ball, sounding like she's reciting the lyrics from bad singer/songwriter album. Prediction: Bella continues to lead Jacob on. She calls him every day, hangs out with him all the time, and invites him to seemingly intimate events, saying, "Wanna sleep over at my house? I only have one bed, so we'll have to share. And then tomorrow, we can go skinny dipping and bra shopping. Won't that be fun, good buddy!?"

Blogging New Moon: Part 6 Chapter Six: Friends Better Title: [In sing-song fashion] Jacob Has a Girlfriend, Jacob Has a Girlfriend. Though there are no fights or explosions or Emmett, this is the best chapter of the book so far. For the first time, the story seems real. The chapter picks up with Bella hanging out in Jacob's garage as he begins to take apart the motorcycles to see what needs to be fixed. While working, he tells her about his school and his two friends, the oddly named Quil and Embry, which when said together sound like a British meat dish served with eggs. Jacobs says that these guys don't like anyone mocking their unusual names, and would beat up anyone who did. Just as he's explaining the rules of Quil and Embry, the two guys show up looking for him. They seem nice, but nothing special. Quil is a bit more muscular, and Embry is tall and lanky. (Note: I may be confusing the two.) Quil seems taken by Bella and doesn't stop staring at her (or maybe she has a visible booger and the somewhat sheltered Quil has never seen one before). The three guys talk about motorcycles for a while, and she doesn't quite understand what they're saying, claiming that you'd need a Y chromosome to appreciate the conversation. I take offense to that. Not all guys are into cars and motorcycles. I'm not. I prefer chariots. Bella says she needs to get home to cook dinner for her dad, and says she'll be back tomorrow to go with Jacob and pick up the parts they need. He still feels bad that she's paying for the parts, but she stands firm and heads home. As she leaves, she hears the three guys goofing around and hitting each other. This is what guys do. They don't stare at girls when they sleep and compose lullabies in their spare time. The sound of the guys ragging on each other cheers up Bella considerably, and she even laughs. You read that right. She can laugh! That's like finding out that a tree can burp. Instead of despising Bella with all my heart, now I just hate her. I feel the same way about her as I do about olives. If you put her in a salad, I would just eat around her and not complain. (That analogy may not make sense. I'm hungry.) She returns home and tells her dad that she had a good time at Jacob's house. Her dad asks a few questions, and then she goes to bed, despite worrying that she will be haunted by nightmares and Edward-pain. But she doesn't have bad dreams, and instead wakes up feeling better. She thinks hanging out with Jacob helps her attitude because being with

him doesn't remind her of Edward. That's probably because Jacob has yet to utter the words "danger," "desire," or "You smell like freesia." At breakfast, she tells her dad that she's going to Jacob's again. Charlie says he's going fishing with his friend Harry. The quick-thinking Bella then suggests that Billy go fishing with them as well. This way no one will be around to see the motorcycles at the Black homestead. Charlie thinks that's a good idea and makes a few calls as Bella heads out the door (cackling that her master scheme has worked, I assume). She drives to Jacob's house and he gets in her truck, saying they should look at the dump for spare parts before spending money at a store. He says it may cost $100 or more to fix these bikes. She's says that's fine; she'll use the money she saved for college. Who has time for college when you need to get emotional revenge on an ex-boyfriend who is most likely hundreds, if not thousands of miles away? (Besides, "Achieved emotional revenge," looks great on résumés.) Bella says she's having fun, even at the dump, and hanging out with Jacob is great because he's a happy, easygoing guy. Compared to the moody Edward, Jacob must seem like the Dane Cook of friends, only not eye-gaugingly annoying. Jacob finds a few parts at the dump and then they drive to the auto parts store, which is two hours away. Where the hell was the dump? Ohio? But Jacob passes the time by chatting about his friends and Bella seems genuinely interested, because she's falling madly in love with this amazing guy. She just doesn't know it yet. He then realizes that he's been doing all the talking, and asks her to tell him about herself. She says there's nothing much to say and that her friends are boring compared to people like Quil. He says Quil might be interested in her, but she says he's too young. Ouch! Jacob is about the same age as Quil, so he doesn't take the news that Bella doesn't date youngsters very well. This starts a friendly game of using other methods to determine one's true age. For instance, Jacob says that because he's tall, his true age is older. And Bella says that because women mature faster than boys, she should be considered older. This silly conversation goes on for a bit, even after they leave the store, and they determine that Jacob's true age is 30 and Bella's true age is 23. And judging by the new rules, Edward would be about 100 years old. (And not a spry, "I take a drink of whiskey every day" type of 100-year-old. I'm talking about the sad, bedridden, "I need help to blink" type of 100year-old.) Back at La Push, which is where Jacob lives, Bella says she almost forgot the reason she wanted a motorcycle in the first place: to break the promise she made to Edward by being reckless. Jacob is so charming he makes her forget that a few days ago she was about to curl up and die of a broken heart and possible undiagnosed brain tumor. She should just make out with him already, with tongues. He gets to work on the bikes, and she admires his abilities as a mechanic. She's about to get going when she hears Charlie call her name. After their fishing trip, Charlie went back to Billy's house, and Bella and Jacob need to make sure he doesn't see the

motorcycles. They have to quickly get out of the garage and cut Charlie off before he noses around. Jacob leads Bella through the dark by her hand. Guys, if you ever want a girl to fall in love with you, grab her hand and lead her through someplace dark, such as a planetarium, garage, or planetarium's garage. This will work 87% of the time. (Tip: The harder you tug, the less she'll giggle.) The slight fear of having their secret project revealed, along with the flirty hand-holding, makes Bella laugh. She finds her dad and starts laughing again. Billy invites them both to dinner, along with Harry and Harry's wife and kids. They eat spaghetti outside, because there are too many people to fit in the house. I assume if the Cullens had friends over for dinner they would offer the guests lobster and duck served in a white wine sauce by candlelight in the ballroom. They probably would also make you take your shoes off before you came in the house, and if you asked "Can I use the restroom," Carlisle would reply, "Why I don't know. CAN you use the restroom? Tut-tut. I believe you meant to ask 'MAY I uses the restroom?'." Nothing much exciting happens during dinner, but the whole evening seems real and pleasant. Bella gives Charlie a lift back to their house, and he seems happy that she's taking an interest in Jacob. (Even if Bella is still too dumb to see him as boyfriend material). At home, she reads an email from her mom, and feels awful about acting so sad the past couple of months. So she writes her mom a more upbeat response. But even after having a happy day, she wakes up after suffering from a nightmare. This time in her dream she's not alone in the woods, but is with Sam Uley. I'm not sure why Sam Uley is frightening. Maybe he has a big scary nose, or snakes for hands. Back at school, Bella is not being noticed by anyone. No one, except for Mike, likes her very much, probably because she was antisocial for months after the breakup. In class, she tries to chat with Jessica, but Jess is still upset about Friday night…for reasons I still do not understand. At lunch, Bella feels ostracized from all the conversations at her table. She tries to interject a thought or two, but is ignored. When Angela tells everyone she had to cancel her camping trip because she saw a giant bear, no one really believes her until Bella speaks up and says that two guys at the sporting goods saw the same giant bear. Mike confirms Bella's story and Bella is brought back into the conversation, slightly. After lunch, Angela tells Bella she's glad she stuck up for her bear story. Bella tells us that she always liked Angela more than Jessica, and it seems that Angela (and of course Mike) accepts Bella back into the group, even if nasty Jessica and the awful Lauren still act cold towards her. The chapter ends as Bella remembers that one year ago yesterday she first arrived at Forks, and that nothing much has changed. (Except she now knows that monsters are real, and what it feels like to kiss a 109-year-old.)

Prediction: Just as things are beginning to heat up between Bella and Jacob, Edward comes galloping into town on a white horse. He grabs Bella by the scruff of her neck and flings her onto his horse. Before charging away with the giddy, lovesick Bella, Edward looks back at Jacob and shouts, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."

Blogging New Moon: Part 7 Chapter Seven: Repetition Better Title: Bella Swan? More like Bella Yawn. (ZING!) The chapter begins with Bella paying a visit to the old Cullen house, the mansion that is hidden away in the forest. She hopes this will somehow stop the nightmares. She also hopes that visiting the now-empty home will trigger one of her Edward hallucinations, like the one she suffered from in Port Angeles. She loves hearing from Dream Edward, even if all he does is yell at her like an angry dad. She is crazy, and if I had to choose, I'd pick the whiny Bella from the first book over this obsessed lunatic. I'm still holding out hope that in one of these books we'll be introduced to a self-assured, independent Bella or perhaps even a Badass Bella who ends every tough-talking statement with, "Blap Blap!" while making gun gestures with her fingers. But anything would be better than listening to Emo Bella Who Stalks Her Ex's House. She drives up to the house, and while it looks just as it always did, she senses the emptiness. She stops in front of it, but Dream Edward's voice doesn't say anything or yell at her, so she gets out of her truck and walks up to the porch. But then she has second thoughts. She doesn't want to look in the windows and see the empty rooms. She's scared of what the sight of Edward's lonely piano might do to her sanity. She backs away, hops in her truck, and heads to Jacob's house. I can't help but wonder if the Cullens were really inside the house the whole time hiding and giggling, like when your annoying schoolmate comes over and you pretend you're not home. (I KNEW YOU WERE HOME, TODD! I could hear the TV, and I knew you weren't sleeping because I heard you sneeze and you can't sneeze if you're sleeping, jerk-bomb!) Jacob is still as friendly as ever. When she jokingly asks if he would ever get tired of her hanging around, he says that he could never get sick of her. In that case, he'd would love reading this book. As much as I like Jacob, I'm getting a bit impatient with him. He should ask Bella out. If he's too scared to ask her outright, he could bring it up in a roundabout way, such as by saying, "Hey. You wanna play spin the bottle with me, and no one else?" One of the motorcycles is nearly completed, and Jacob laughs, saying that if he was smart, he wouldn't have worked so fast. He's worried that once the bikes are finished,

Bella won't hang out with him. She says she likes chilling with him, regardless of the motorcycle project. She even offers to hang out a few days a week just to do homework together. Though it's not mentioned, after hearing this, Jacob probably ran out to the store to buy sexy soul music, erotic silk boxer shorts, and a robe for their "homework session." Bella sure enjoys leading this poor guy on. At school, Angela and Mike are friendly towards Bella, but everyone else acts cold and mean. At work, Mike talks with her and she smiles and laughs. She then tells us that chatting and laughing with Mike "seemed harmless enough, until quitting time." While reading that sentence, lower your voice for the last three words and suddenly Mike seems like a serial killer. And if you stop the entire story right here, you have one heck of surprise ending. Instead of killing her, Mike asks Bella out…again. She kindly rejects him, saying that she doesn't date. Mike has always been annoying, but now it's getting sad and somewhat creepy. He's the type of guy who will go to the same college as Bella, just to be near her. She needs to reject him in no uncertain times. I suggest saying the following: "Yo, Mikey. What's your deal, jerk-bomb? I ain't buying what you're selling. Got it? Now leave me alone until I'm out of friends, and then maybe I'll let you talk to me. Peace. I'm out like trout. Blap Blap!" At home, Bella makes lasagna with Jacob. If that doesn't scream, "We're dating now," nothing does. Sorry, Bella, but if you only liked Jacob as a friend, you shouldn't have cooked with him. And I know that she did all the cooking while he hung out. But it's still a flirty thing to do. Guys don't cook with friends. We joke with friends. We watch TV with friends. We play sports with friends. We do not cook with friends, unless eating cereal right out of the box is considered cooking. Next she'll invite him to prom, as friends. And then they'll get married, as friends. And then they will go to couples counseling, as friends. And then they will get divorced, as friends. Someone needs to take this relationship to the next level, and since Bella is bug nuts crazy, Jacob needs to make the first move. On Saturday, he comes over again for another homework session. (Homework on a Saturday? Losers.) After homework, when he's about to leave, Bella asks what time she should come up to the garage. He acts a bit coy and says he will call her. Maybe he's finally going to ask her out. Or maybe he can't tell time and doesn't want to look foolish by saying, "Why don't you come up around quarter after thirty?" The next morning, Bella is trying to get over the bad dream she had. This time in her nightmare, she was lost in the forest near the Cullen house. Again, this is not very scary. Add a screaming zebra and a nasty teacher forcing you to recite "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening" in the nude, and now you have a real nightmare. Jacob calls and says that the bikes are finally finished. That was the reason he was acting so sly yesterday. Bella is so excited that she rushes out of the house. She arrives at Jacob's house and sees the two motorcycles, one red, one black, hidden under a tree. He even tied a ribbon around the handlebars. You can't tie a ribbon around a lullaby. You

also can't drive a lullaby, or look good while straddling a lullaby. Just sayin'. *cough*Jacob-is-better-than-Edward*cough* After loading the bikes onto Bella's truck, the two head to an isolated area where Bella can learn to ride. They drive by a cliff overlooking the ocean. A group of young men are standing on the cliff and one of them leaps off. Bella screams and hops out of the car, thinking the man just fell to his death. But Jacob laughs and explains that these guys are cliff diving. (Note: Never invite the naïve, overreacting Bella to a magic show because she will probably scream, "The rabbit!? Where the $#*% did the rabbit go! Call the cops! This guy destroys rabbits with his mind!") Bella is shocked that people would jump from such a high cliff. Jacob says he cliff dives too, but not from up here. She demands to try cliff diving immediately. Bossy Bella doesn't have much of an attention span, and has obviously forgotten why they came out here in the first place. She's like a dog who chases after a stick, but halfway to the target, decides he'd rather stare at you and pee. He calms her down and tells her they can't dive right now because it's cold. She gets back in the truck and continues to drive along the road. He says the cliff divers were the La Push gang, and he doesn't seem to like them very much. (Finally, this chapter becomes interesting.) The gang, which is lead by Sam Uley, acts as protectors of the local Native American community. But there's something fishy about them. Jacob says the gang is always showing off and acting tough. Sam is in his twenties and still hangs out with teenagers, whom Jacob calls Sam's disciples. Jacob then gets quiet. He doesn't like talking about the gang, or maybe he's a bit ticked off because he just spent a lot of time and energy fixing Bella's motorcycles, when he could have pushed her off a cliff instead and she would be just as happy. They arrive at the secluded spot, and Jacob hauls the bikes off of the truck. He offers Bella the red one, and now she's getting a little scared about riding it. Perhaps to buy some time before actually hopping on the death machine, the nosy Bella pries more into Jacob's hatred for Sam. Jacob says Sam treats him oddly. Ever since he was young, no one cared much about Jacob, even though his dad was, more or less, in charge of the reservation. But now something has changed, and Sam seems very interested in him. Maybe Sam is forming a bowling team and thinks Jacob has the skill needed to take team "Green Eggs and Sam" to victory. Jacob's friend Embry has become one of Sam's disciples, and it scares Jacob to think that Sam has some sort of persuasive power over these guys. Embry missed a week of school, and when he came back, he acted differently, like he was terrified of something. After that week, Embry started hanging out with Sam and the gang. Jacob describes it as some sort of cult. He says the same thing happened to a guy named Paul. He went missing for a week, and then came back as one of Sam's groupies. Now Sam is looking at Jacob funny, as if he's next on the cult's membership list (or bowling team roster).

Bella asks if Jacob talked to his dad about this, and Jacob says his dad was not very helpful, saying cryptic things like, "It's nothing you need to worry about now." I know the feeling. I got similar advice when I asked my folks what's in pepperoni. This part of the book is great. The cult is genuinely creepy. I'm assuming that these teens go away for a week, turn into werewolves, and come back feeling scared and violated. I'm also going to make an educated guess that Sam Uley isn't a nice guy, and might be the villain of this book. That's too bad. I was really hoping that all werewolves were good guys, in the same way that all firefighters, Marines, and Ghostbusters are heroes. Now I only hope that if Sam is an evil werewolf, he's really, really mean, and not just some hungry dude who has access to a ballet studio and a VCR. Bella promises Jacob that everything will be OK, and that if things get bad, he can always stay at Charlie's place. He hugs her, but she still thinks this is a friend hug, and not a lover hug. Bella, you idiot, kiss Jacob and marry him and have babies and live happily ever after as a fun-loving motorcycle couple that bikes around the country solving crimes and going above the law when the law just won't do. It would be the perfect life. Besides, Bella Black sounds like a superhero (or a delicious energy drink) whereas Bella Cullen sounds like a line of affordable undergarments: The Bella Cullen Collection. Jacob stops being quiet, and his happy demeanor returns. They joke around about who is older, and Jacob compares her pale skin to his darker skin, saying, "I've never seen anyone paler than you…well, except for – ". He stops because he doesn't want to upset her, but he was probably going to say "Edward," or "albino pigs." They then get ready to ride the motorcycles. Prediction: After riding bikes, Jacob finally builds up enough courage to ask Bella out. He's been waiting for this moment for weeks, and memorized his carefully chosen words perfectly. He opens his mouth and says, "Um…hey…um, Bell. I was thinking. I don't know. Um…maybe, if you like to eat food. Do you think maybe we can eat food together at, like, a restaurant…together? Alone? Um…No, I'm just kidding. [nervous laughter] That was a funny joke, right? I really had you going, didn't I, buddy? Ha ha. I'm just messing around. Let's go make lasagna and not kiss. Not kissing is my favorite!" He then speed walks to the truck and doesn't say another word for the rest of the book.

Blogging New Moon: Part 8 Chapter Eight: Adrenaline Better Title: The Adventures of Bossy Bella and Jacob the Shirtless Wonder Bella is anxious to ride her motorcycle for the first time. Jacob makes sure she knows where the brakes, gear shifts, and clutch are located before letting her drive. She's scared, but says that she can do this because she has already "lived through the worst thing possible." Worst thing possible? Really? She better be talking about the time she stormed the beaches of Normandy on Dday, or else her comment comes across as very naive. Breaking up with your boyfriend, even if he sparkles, is not the worst thing in the world. There are far worse things that can happen, such as: Slowly dying from an incurable disease. Watching a loved one perish after her scarf (which you bought her for Christmas) gets caught in a helicopter propeller. Losing the Olympic Marathon by three-tenths of a second. Being buried (or eaten) alive. Missing out on the factory tour because of your stupid peanut allergies. Running out of food during the storm of the century and being forced to choose between eating your cat, your dog, or your own fingers. Getting a sunburn moments before going to a sweater party. I let Bella off the hook a few chapters ago, so she could her have a sad moment. But this is getting ridiculous, and borderline dangerous. Even if Edward does return, he probably wouldn't want to date such a clingy, obsessive woman. Although it's tough to tell what Edward would like. The dude writes lullabies and breaks into police officers' houses, so who knows where his mind is at. After reminding Bella to only use the hand brake and not the foot brake, Jacob starts the bike with a kick. He then gives her the go-ahead to put the bike into first gear. As she lets go of clutch, Dream Edward's voice haunts her again, saying, "This is reckless and childish and idiotic." Dream Edward is kind of a downer and a party pooper. The voice startles Bella and she loses her balance, collapsing to the ground. Dream Edward's voice speaks again, saying,

"I told you so." So not only is Dream Edward a party pooper, he's also an annoying know-it-all. I realize it's still early in the story, and things will change, but I'm applying for membership to Team Jacob. (I hope I get to be the goalie!) Comparing Jacob to Edward is like comparing Indiana Jones to Frasier or comparing Brad Pitt to John Malkovich. Who would want to hang out with an overprotective, prissy old man when they could date a rugged, outgoing young guy like Jacob? He runs to Bella's aid, but everything seems to be OK. She loves the hallucination and wants to hear more from Dream Edward. She theorizes that Dream Edward is triggered by a combination of danger mixed with adrenaline and stupidity. She's anxious to try riding the motorcycle again, hoping Dream Edward will speak to her. She tries to kick-start the bike herself, and after a few tries, it finally starts up. Jacob reminds her to release the clutch gently. Before she does, Dream Edward speaks up again, asking her if she wants to kill herself. She loves this voice, even if Dream Edward is crabby. Dream Edward continues, "Go home to Charlie." Because vampires have all sorts of touchy, emotional powers, I'm assuming that this hallucination is actually Edward…or at least some magic spell he shoved into Bella's soul. Or maybe, because Edward's name backwards is Draw De, and Bella's name ends with a vowel, they can share thoughts on every second Wednesday of the month. Whatever the (probably lame) reason is for the voice, Edward's acting like a bully. If he were that concerned for her safety, he would just man up, come back to Forks, and encase Bella inside a rubber room filled with foam peanuts, pillows, and low-fat low-sodium foods. Bella releases the clutch, hits the throttle, and soars down the road. The speed and wind is exhilarating, but she is only in first gear, and wonders what the higher gears will feel like. Dream Edward screams, "No, Bella! Watch what you're doing." He sounds like a rookie kindergarten teacher during craft time. Dream Edward's voice distracts her, and she doesn’t see the turn in the road coming up ahead. She tries to brake, but forgets Jacob's warning about not using the foot brake. Her sudden stop causes her to lose balance and she falls. Jacob comes yelling after her, and grabs the bike that is pinning Bella to the ground. She seems OK, but she doesn’t realize the crash caused a bad cut on her forehead. Jacob says they need to go to the hospital, and Bella says if they do that, her dad will find out about the motorcycles. She suggests they first go back to her house, where she can change. And then they will go to the hospital and tell her dad that she just tripped in Jacob's garage. Bella lies a lot in these books. I don't even know if I can believe what she tells me. Maybe she never even read Wuthering Heights. And when she told me about going to the lovemeadow with Edward, I bet she really just had sex with him in the back of his car behind the gas station. He's probably not even a vampire, but just some moody pale kid. I'm on

to you, Bella Swan—if that really is your name. (I bet her actual name is something more mundane, like Jen Smith, or something awful, like Beulah Cantankerous.) To stop the bleeding, Jacob takes his shirt off and offers it as a makeshift bandage. Shirtless Jacob then rides the motorcycle back to get Bella's truck. She finally begins to see how handsome he is as he rides the motorcycle, looking sexy and strong, the wind tugging at his long, luscious black hair. My, oh my. I had to fan myself while reading this part or else I would have been overcome with the passion. (By the way, I'm straight. I swear.) Jacob hides the bikes and takes Bella back home. On the ride, she is elated with the motorcycles and the fact that she can now summon Dream Edward's voice by acting silly and reckless. At home, she changes clothes and washes up a bit. Shirtless Jacob then drives her to the hospital. He doesn't seem to mind the cold January temperature. She once again notices his strong, manly physique and asks him, "Did you know, you're sort of beautiful?" He laughs and says that she hit her head too hard. He jokingly adds, "Well, then, thanks. Sort of." If Bella gave Edward the same compliment, he would reply, "'Tis but glamour, my love. For to feast on the soul of men, my kind was cursed with the looks of an angel and the appetite…of the devil. For this reason, we shan't be together. It's too dangerous, my lamb. Here, I wrote you a nursery rhyme." Bella gets some stitches, Charlie believes the fake story, and her nightmares are getting a little easier to handle thanks to Jacob. But later in the week, she crashes the motorcycle again, and she is taken to the doctor again. And she lies to her dad…again. Bella and Jacob are worried that they won't be able to hide their new hobby from Charlie much longer if they keep needing excuses for her hospital visits. Jacob thinks they should take a break from motorcycles for a bit, and she agrees. Instead of riding the bikes, Bella suggest they go hiking and search for Edward's enchanted meadow. She wants to find this place again, hoping that it will activate Dream Edward. But when explaining the meadow to Jacob, she leaves Edward out of it, because she's a liar. She just tells Jacob that finding meadows is fun, and he believes her. Even if she had brought up her ex-boyfriend, I bet Jacob would still agree to go with her. He does whatever she says, and lets her walk all over him. Soon they will have the following conversation: BELLA: Hey friend, will you find an enchanted meadow for me? It's where Eddie and I talked about passion and touched faces. JACOB: You betcha! BELLA: And then we can go to the town dump and look for any old Cullen trash that I can lick? JACOB: Sounds like a plan. BELLA: And then we can break into his old house and I can sniff all the chairs he sat on. JACOB: I'll bring sandwiches and we can make a day of it!

BELLA: You're such a great friend. JACOB: I don't want to see you naked at all. Bella prepares for the hike by buying new boots at the sporting good store, and wears them without breaking them in. It's odd that Dream Edward doesn't scream, "You idiot! You need to break boots in before hiking! You're such an idiot. You're going to get blisters and the back of your ankle is going to get bloody. Is that what you want? Is it!? I can't believe I dated you." When it comes to searching for enchanted meadows, Jacob knows how to do it. He maps out the area at home using a grid pattern. He jokes about seeing the big black bear, and his dad just laughs it off. Billy isn't too worried about the bear, probably because the bear is really a werewolf. Or Billy knows that if a big black bear does attack, amazing Jacob could pin it to the ground with his awesome strength. Bella and Jacob drive to the edge of the forest where they will begin their search for the meadow. She is worried that seeing the meadow will make her crazy, but that's silly because she's already crazy. It's like a guy who refuses to get out of the pool during a rain storm because he doesn't want to get wet. They begin hiking through the forest, and Bella feels bad about slowing Jacob down. After a while, she asks how things are going between him and the recently werewolferized Embry. Jacob says Embry is still acting odd, and is still part of Sam's cult. Sam still looks at Jacob with an odd interest in his eyes, and Jacob's dad is still not very helpful about the strange situation. They joke for a bit about what would happen if Jacob had to sleep at Charlie's house, and before they realize it, they have hiked six miles. Since they didn't find the meadow, and it's getting dark, Jacob begins to lead them out of the forest. He says they will eventually find the meadow if they keep using his grid system. They joke about the prospect of seeing the big black bear, and Jacob kids that the bear will eat Bella because she probably tastes good. She reminds us that Jacob isn't the first person to tell her she tastes good. (But this time it was a joke and didn't seem icky.) Prediction: After searching for a few days, Jacob and Bella locate the meadow of love. There they find Edward caressing Bella's mom's face and saying, "You smell even better then Bella, and you're much less whiny. Plus, you can buy me cigarettes…Oh crap! Hi Bella. 'Sup Jacob? We were just…uh…planning Bella's surprise party, weren't we, Rene?" Nine minutes of awkward silence follows.

Blogging New Moon: Part 9 Chapter Nine: Third Wheel Better Title: Everyone Pukes Bella's life is moving ahead just fine. She goes to school. She goes to work. She hangs out with Jacob. And nothing seems to be disturbing this boring pattern. But she is still sad, and describes her feelings with stupid analogies, saying she's like a moon that was circling the planet Edward. With Edward gone, Moon Bella is orbiting an empty, hollow area of space. The tear rolling down my check is not from sadness, but from overexertion, because after reading this, I rolled my eyes harder than I should have without stretching first. As much as I like Jacob, I hope Edward returns soon so that Bella will quite acting like she's dying. (And maybe he would bring Emmett back with him, and maybe Alice too… and Batman.) Bella's motorcycle skills have improved with practice, but the more proficient she becomes, the less Dream Edward warns her that she's acting stupid. She still goes looking for the enchanted meadow with Jacob, but she hasn't found it yet, and she desperately wants to find a way to ignite the Dream Edward voice. So she tries to think up activities that are scary and dangerous. If she really seeks danger, instead of fooling around with motorcycles and love-meadows, she should become an Alaskan king crab fisherman, an ice road trucker, a logger, a myth buster, or any other profession that has its own reality show (except supermodel or anything to do with cakes). Or she could start her own dangerous job, such as lion barber, because then she could hear Dream Edward while starring in her own Discovery Channel Show, "Lion Barber: Razors and Roars." Time is passing, and Bella doesn't even realize it's Valentine's Day until Jacob gives her a small box of conversation hearts. She feels bad about not getting anything for him, but he says she can repay him by being his valentine for the day. They joke around a bit (as friends), and Bella decides that today she wants to go hiking. He's fine with that (big surprise) and suggests they ride motorcycles on Friday. But she says she's busy Friday. Bella doesn’t see the love connection with Jacob, because she's a crazy fool. She wants some space. You're never going to believe this, but she lies…again. To keep Jacob at a

safe, friendly distance, she pretends she has plans this Friday to see a movie with her other friends. Uh-oh! This might get ugly. Good thing I'm wearing my "drama pants," because things between Bella and Jacob are about to get a little…dramatic. He isn't too happy that she's dissing him. And after seeing his sad face, she invites him along on the group date. So her plan to keep him at bay backfired because she can't stand a gloomy Jacob…and because she secretly loves him. Hmm. I guess I didn't need to wear my "drama pants" after all. Excuse me while I change back into my "boring mindless chit-chat slacks." She tells him to bring his friend Quil along too, and it will be a fun group night out. At school, she needs to rally her friends to go out with her Friday. She makes the mistake of inviting Mike first. He jumps to the conclusion that this is a date, and just as he's about to go buy Bella an engagement ring, she once again shoots him down, saying that this is not a date, but just a group of friends hanging out. She invites everyone else, but a few people, such as Lauren and Jessica, can't make it because they hate her. I'm still confused about why Jessica is so nasty. She was Bella's first friend, and now, just because Bella likes to slowly walk toward bars in Port Angeles, she hates her. I hate Bella too, but at least I have my reasons. (I hate people whose names are also stupid questions. "Is a bell a swan?" Of course it isn't!) The group is narrowed down to Angela, Ben, Mike, Jacob, Quil, and Bella. When Bella gets home, Jacob is there with his car. He finally finished fixing his Rabbit. Bella offers Jacob a high five, and after slapping her hand, he holds onto it for a bit, in a slightly romantic way. Bella finally breaks free as Mike shows up at her house. Dammit Mike! Things were just about to get a little PG-13 between Bells and Jacob, and you had to ruin it. Jacob and Mike don't get along. They don't hate each other the way Edward hates Mike or the way I hate Greenland, but they're not going to be BFFs. Bella's phone rings and it turns out that Angela and Ben can't make it because Angela has the stomach flu. Quil couldn't make it either, so it looks like the date will consist of Mike, Jacob, and Bella. It's a bit awkward, but they pile into the Rabbit and head to the deadly Port Angeles to see the action movie "Crosshairs." (A movie that is not about angry rabbits. But change the spelling slightly, and you have the title to the script I'm going to pitch to Pixar. So hands off my pun!) Mike sits in the back and doesn't say much. He's obviously upset at having to share Bella with Jacob. He asks Jacob to put the radio on, and Jacob says that Bella doesn't like music. We know she hates pop music because some songs remind her of Edward. Jacob must have picked up on this, though she never mentioned to Jake how music makes her feel. He's just an attentive guy who knows when not pry. It's also the reason he doesn't ask her about Edward, or ask why she refuses to play baseball during thunderstorms. Bella says the movie is nothing but blood and guts, and it's exactly what she wanted. But Mike doesn't seem to like the movie. He stares off into space. Jacob doesn't like the movie either, and keeps making witty comments about how awful the story and special effects are. Bella is sitting between the two, and both guys have their hands palm-up on

the arm rest, just waiting for her to grab them. Or maybe they're simply checking to see if it's raining inside the theater. Or were asking for spare change. Halfway through the movie, Mike gets sick and runs out of the theater. It seems he caught the stomach bug that's been going around. Bella and Jacob follow him out, and Jacob checks on Mike in the men's room. He comes out saying that Mike might be in there for a while. He calls him a marshmallow, which I guess means Mike is weak, or delicious. Jacob sits on a nearby bench outside the theater and pats the seat next to him, inviting Bella to sit. She does, and the suddenly self-assured Jacob puts his arm around her. She protests, but he holds firm. Crap! Where are my drama pants? He explains how he feels about her. He likes her…quite a bit. She isn't sure how to respond. She admits that of all the people in Forks, he is the best guy around. And he's happy with this. He knows that she is still in love with Edward, and he understands that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now, but he's not going to stop feeling this way about her. Jacob notices the scar on Bella's hand from where James, the evil vampire, bit her. When asked where it came from, she says she can't remember. (Again with the lies.) Mikes comes out of the bathroom looking sick. He asks if they can leave, and they all head out to the car. Jacob grabs a popcorn bucket in case Mike gets sick on the ride home. They roll down the windows of the car as they drive, to give him some fresh, cold air. Jacob puts his arm around Bella to keep her warm, and she notices how hot (literally) his skin is. She says Jacob is burning up, as if he has a fever. But he says he feels fine. (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!) They get Marshmallow Mike home, and before leaving Bella at her house, Jacob says that he's not feeling well. He doesn't feel sick, just strange. (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!) He drives home, and Bella is worried about him. She goes inside to wait for his call, to make sure he got home safely. While waiting, she wishes that Jacob were her brother, because then she wouldn't have to worry about breaking his heart and could still be a big part of his life. Plus, if she had a brother, she would have someone to fight with on family car trips, instead of just arguing with the ashtray in the backseat. When he doesn't call, she panics and calls his house. His dad, Billy, answers and says everything is fine and that Jacob is just sick. Billy sounds strange and distant. Clearly something is up (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!). Bella goes to bed, but wakes up feeling sick (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!). She got the stomach virus too, and spends the rest of the night and much of the morning in the bathroom. After 24 hours she feels a bit better (Not a wolf! Not a wolf! Not a wolf!), and calls Jacob to check on him. He sounds odd, and says he feels horrible.

He doesn't have the stomach flu, but won't say exactly what's wrong. He warns Bella to stay away and wait for him to call before she comes over. I'm thinking Jacob has become a werewolf. Prediction: Jacob isn't sure how to tell Bella that he turned into a werewolf. Finally he does so in the classiest way possible by sending her the following text message: "Im wereyolf. Not joke. Kiss me? CuL8r." He then mocks Eric by calling him a pie.

Blogging New Moon: Part 10 Chapter Ten: The Meadow Better Title: You scream. I scream. We all scream…for werewolves. The chapter begins with Bella attempting to get in touch with Jacob. She keeps trying to...oh, the heck with this. By the end of the chapter there are werewolves! Real ones! And they are big, and scary, and amazing, and I want one! I would take it for walks and feed it children and everything! I would name him Murphy and he would be amazing! Werewolves are awesome! So very awesome! And they're as big as horses! And they eat vampires! And one of the wolves is black, but some aren't black, and they are ferocious. And I wish I were a werewolf! Sorry. I had to get that out of my system or else I'd be fidgeting in my chair while writing this, just itching to talk about werewolves. The chapter begins slowly, with Bella trying to track down Jacob to make sure he's feeling better. When no one answers his phone, she heads over to his house to check on him. But the house is empty. What's your favorite color werewolf? Mine is gray! Or maybe brown! Oh man, I can't pick! So awesome! Sorry. Sorry. I'll try to stay focused. Out of desperation, she asks her dad to help her get some answers, and Charlie calls up his friend Harry Clearwater, who tells him that Jacob has mono. Jacob's dad took him to the doctor, and that's why their house was empty. Bella can't call him because they are having problems with the phone lines. Jacob's dad says that Jake's too weak for visitors, and since mono is a month-long ailment, this means Bella must go 30 days without a drop of Jacob. I'm worried that her brain will melt from sadness. Or she'll turn into Eeyore. But instead of being cute in a grumpy sort of way, this would be an Eeyore who cuts himself. Bella decides that she will let Jacob rest for a week, not a month, and then go check on him and see what's really happening. By the way, if you got a saddle, you could probably ride werewolves, and that would save gas and end our dependence on foreign oil. And werewolves could eat burglars and chase away terrorists because werewolves are astounding.

Without Jacob around, Bella's dreams are getting scary again, or "hard," as she describes them. Does this mean her dreams are difficult to accomplish, or not easily chewable? Sometimes Sam Uley is in her nightmares, but most of the time it's just Bella alone in the woods. Werewolves live in the woods. But some probably live in houses. Murphy could stay in my house if he promised not to get the rug dirty. And he could sleep on my couch (the one I got from my pop-pop's house) because a werewolf wouldn't freak out about the fact that my pop-pop died on that couch. Werewolves are never afraid! And when he was in human form, we would play basketball and he would win because he has secret wolf powers. The loneliness has caused a hole in Bella's chest. Because of the wording, it sounds as if she has real hole in her chest, which would be fun because on a windy day, she could whistle without using her lips. She tells us, "I wasn't handling alone well." It makes one wonder what she can handle well. Bella overreacts. She treats every event in her life as if she's being eaten alive by monkeys. If the ice cream store ran out of her favorite flavor, she would probably run into the woods sobbing and compare herself to a burning orphanage. By the way, werewolves are better than ice cream because ice cream couldn't help you if a king cobra was about to strike. Plus, ice cream only lasts ten minutes at the most. Werewolves last forever. Finally the week ends, and Bella's self-imposed Jacob ban is lifted. She rushes to call him, and says that if the phone lines are still down, she will go over to his house. Nothing can stop her from seeing him. Nothing! Except… Jacob's dad answers the phone and says that Jacob didn't have mono, but some other, short-term virus, and he's feeling better now. The excited Bella asks if she can see him, but Billy says he's out with friends in Port Angeles. Uh-oh. Bella tries to hide her sadness, and hangs up the phone. Werewolves don't get sad because they're too busy eating vampires and keeping it real. Bella's upset because Jacob didn't call her. And now she's at home, all alone. Or, as she puts it, "I was lonely, worried, bored…perforated." Perforated? So that sentence could also read, "I was lonely, worried, bored…lined with holes to allow for easy tearing." Makes sense. After getting off the phone, Bella tells Charlie that Jacob didn't have mono. Charlie assumes that Bella will go over to Jacob's house, but she explains that he's busy. Charlie asks if she's okay. He's clearly worried that Bella will become Eeyore again. But she assures him that she's fine. To show her dad that she's not upset, she lies, because she's a liar, and tells him that she will study with Jessica today. Charlie, who's going fishing again, reminds Bella to stay out of the woods because there have been more bear sightings, and even a missing hiker. Werewolves sometimes eat innocent people, but that's okay. Volcanoes kill lots of innocent people, and volcanoes are still terrific. Thus, werewolves are just like volcanoes, only better, because werewolves can stalk silently, unlike noisy volcanoes. And werewolves are easier to pet.

With Charlie gone for the day, Bella tries to think of ways to pass the time. She tosses around the idea of going to Jacob's house to get her motorcycle, but then reconsiders, because if she crashes her bike, no one will be around to take off his shirt in a sexy, manly way and then drive her to the hospital. Instead, she decides to go looking for the hidden love-meadow again. She has the map that Jacob made, and figures out how to use his grid system and the compass. She knows that Charlie told her to stay out of the woods, but she doesn't listen. Just to recap Bella's character traits: she is an unhappy, lying, overreacting, disobedient, whining braggart who smells good and falls down often. Not since Hamlet has there been a character so deep, and it's no wonder that all the boys in Forks are falling for her. Bella starts hiking through the forest, but after awhile, she begins to have trouble breathing. No, she's not out of breath because she's overexerting herself. Nor is she recovering from a breath-holding competition. It seems that the figurative hole in her chest, which was caused by sadness, has infected her lungs. Don't laugh. Pretend ailments brought on by exaggerated emotions are silent killers. My uncle was killed when he got so angry at the baseball umpire that steam shot out of his ears, critically scorching his brain. To get her lungs working again, Bella tries her hardest to think happy thoughts, and destroy all the sad thoughts about Jacob and Edward. She hugs herself and tries to relax as she walks. Sometimes I hike through the woods with my arms folded across my chest too, but I do so with disdain, to show the squirrels that I don't agree with their lifestyle. She continues hiking and eventually finds the meadow. And guess what. She doesn't like it. For two pages Bella complains that the meadow makes her feel sad and lonely. She collapses at the edged of the meadow and "gasps" either out of sadness or she read ahead and knows werewolves are about to show up and she can't handle the excitement. Sitting in the meadow, Bella is feeling sorry for herself, and just when I think this chapter is going to be another Bella whine-a-palooza, Laurent pops up. Oh man. Things are about to get so completely wonderful. Laurent was the evil vampire from the last book, until he became less evil. He ditched his evil leader James, but didn’t help the Cullens fight James either. So he's kind of a jerk and a pansy—basically, he's Edward, but with less-crazy hair. Bella recognizes him from across the meadow. He remembers her, and they have a tense conversation. The last time we saw Laurent, he was heading to Tanya's vampire safe haven in Alaska. But now he's back in Forks. He just stopped by the Cullen house, and when he saw they had left, he was about to move on, but then he spotted Bella in the woods. He's surprised that Carlisle didn't bring her along with them, since he thought Bella was the Cullen's pet. (Murphy wouldn’t be my pet. He would be my equal.) Bella gets a bit worried when she notices Laurent's eyes are still red. She thinks that good vampires all have golden eyes, and hoped that after living with the good vampires, Laurent's eyeballs would change color. If you think about this, Bella is prejudiced against the red-eyed vampire population. Not cool, Isabelly. Not cool.

When Laurent asks if the Cullens ever come back to visit, Dream Edward whispers to Bella and tells her to lie. (She shouldn't have a problem with that.) She says the Cullens stop by every once and a while. But Laurent says the house felt as if it had been empty for a long time. It's clear that he isn't such a nice guy. Dream Edward advises her to be a better liar. She changes the subject and asks about his trip to Alaska. He says he liked Tanya, and Tanya's sister Irina. (Great, another name to keep track of. Is this Twilight, or Lord of the freaking Rings?) But he had to leave because he couldn't follow Tanya's "don't eat humans" rule. Throughout the conversation, Dream Edward keeps giving Bella advice on what to say and how to act, knowing that Laurent could pounce at any moment. Bella asks about Victoria (finally!), the evil vampire from the last book who went missing and was never mentioned again until now. Laurent is now working for Victoria, and that's why he came to Forks. He's on a scouting mission, trying to find Bella for his new leader. He then says that Victoria will be upset with him, because he's hungry and is going to kill Bella before Victoria can even have a taste. Quick, Bella. Let your hair down! It's your only hope. Laurent makes a few sinister comments about how hungry he is. Dream Edward tells Bella to beg for her life in a last ditch effort to stop Laurent from killing her. But Laurent isn't persuaded. Instead, he says Bella should be glad that he's going to kill her, because Vickie was going to torture Bella before killing her. Dream Edward roars as Lauren approaches. Bella squeezes her eyes shut and keeps repeating Edward's name in her mind. Before Laurent sinks his teeth into Bella, he suddenly stops and looks off into the woods saying, "I don't believe it." Oh man! Oh man! This is it! This is the best thing ever! WEREWOLVES! Bella is shocked and terrified as a giant wolf emerges from the forest. She describes the wolf as being the size of a horse. Then four slightly smaller wolves follow the leader. The leader is black, and the others are different colors. I think the reddish one is Jacob. They don't seem too concerned with Bella, and instead set their sights on Laurent. There is no mention of jet-packs, so either these wolves don't have them, or we're just to assume they are wearing them. Laurent is scared and begins backing away. Dream Edward tells Bella to remain perfectly still. Bella gasps, and the reddish wolf turns to look at her in a strange way. Laurent then tries to run away, and the wolves chase after him into the forest, leaving a bewildered, scared, and lucky Bella alone. (I was expecting her to go off on another, "Why did the vampire and wolves leave me? I hate being alone. No one likes me" rant.) That's all the werewolf action we get in the chapter. But it was great to finally see them. And they saved the day! They aren't what I pictured in my mind (I was thinking more of wolf-man looking creatures), but this is pretty cool too, even if it means I'll have to rework my fan-fiction novella, currently titled "Werewolf Jacob Easily Opens Jars."

Bella doesn't understand why Laurent would be so frightened of big dogs. In her mind, the wolves were no match for Laurent's speed, strength, and teeth. But this is because she is dumb and doesn't know that they weren't just big dogs. They were werewolves! She doesn't make the connection between these wolves and the stories about werewolves that Jacob told her in the first book. This is odd, because you'd think after seeing gigantic wolves chase a vampire, you'd put two and two together and realize that they were werewolves. It's like someone telling you that the tooth fairy is real, and then, when you see a glowing, winged woman put a dollar under you pillow, you just assume it's your mom's friend Linda stealing teeth. Bella gets up and hurries out of the forest, fearful that the wolves will return and eat her. It's later than she thought, and when she gets home, her dad is waiting for her. He's shocked to see her covered in mud and looking haggard, and Bella, for the first time in her life, decides to tell the truth (well, most of the truth.) She admits to going hiking in the woods and says she saw the giant creature. She tells her dad it's not a bear, but a wolf, and it's not just one wolf, but five wolves. Charlie calls the police station to let them know about the wolves, and then talks with Bella again. He says he saw Jacob today at the store. He waved to him, but he didn't wave back; he was busy arguing with one of his friends. Bella assume that Jacob was yelling at Embry for joining Sam Uley's gang. She's glad that Jacob finally confronted Embry, and thinks this was why he didn't call her. He needed to handle this on his own. So she's less mad at him. But Bella is now worried about Victoria, and what would happen if she came to her house. To help herself relax, she thinks about the giant wolves and how scared they made Laurent. She hopes that the wolves killed him, because then Victoria will never know that Bella was left unprotected by the Cullens. The thought of being tortured by Victoria causes Bella to scream into her fist, and the chapter ends. Prediction: Bella is still left alone, but rides her motorcycle anyway. Suddenly Dream Edward shouts at her for being stupid. But then Dream Jacob tells Dream Edward to back off. The following conversation takes place in Bella's head. DREAM EDWARD: Hey, Dream Jacob, this isn't any of your business. DREAM JACOB: Well, I'm making it my business. DREAM EDWRAD: Oh yeah? DREAM JACOB: Yeah! DREAM EDWARD: [Slaps Dream Jacob] DREAM JACOB: [Punches Dream Edward in the neck.] How do you like me now? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought, punk. DREAM EDWARD: Ugh. DREAM MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on? Bella, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the movies…

Dream Edward and Dream Jacob then take turns beating up Dream Mike.

Blogging New Moon: Part 11 Chapter Eleven: Cult Better Title: Jacob the Jerk Bella is dealing with a lot right now. When not fretting about Victoria, she's crying over Jacob's absence. She even tells us, "I missed him horribly." At first I feel bad for her, but then I remember she rejected Jacob's romantic advances at the movie theater. Bella is really confusing. She's like a friend who says she hates softball, but then, when no one asks her to play on the softball team, she gets bummed out and cries. She tries to call Jacob. When no one answers, the ever-rational Bella decides to call him every half hour until it's time for bed. But still no one answers. It's clear that the Blacks do not want to talk to her…or they are all taking a very long, relaxing bath. With Victoria on the prowl, it's not safe for Bella to drive up to La Push by herself to check on Jacob. So all she can do is wait. Call me crazy, but if a super-powered evil vampire was coming to get me, I might make a call up to Alaska and find Tanya and tell her what's going on. Or I'd write a note that reads, "Victoria's trying to kill me. Help me, Edward!" tie it to a helium balloon, and release it into the air while wishing with all my might that it reaches Edward. (I used a similar method on my 5th birthday when I wanted a pet cloud.) While driving home from school, things suddenly click in Bella's mind. She finally realizes that Jacob wasn’t sick at all, but instead has been taken in by Sam Uley's cult. She's worried and desperately wants to see him. She decides that she needs to rescue Jacob from Sam, even if Victoria is stalking her. She says she might need to kidnap Jacob because he may have been brainwashed by Sam. It's funny that she sees brainwashing as a bad thing. She was in the Cult of Edward, and was brainwashed by his beauty and breath, but I guess that type of brainwashing is okay because Edward sparkles and has dreamy eyes and drives fast. Before heading out, she decides to call her dad at the police station to warn him about Sam Uley and let him know what happened to Jacob. At first, Charlie acts very professional, especially when Bella tells him that Jacob is in trouble. But once she says

the bad guy is none other the Sam "I save daughters" Uley, Charlie acts more like a dad and says Bella is just being silly, because Sam Uley is a great guy. Remind me if I ever find out that Tom Hanks is secretly killing baby seals not to go to Chief Swan, because Charlie doesn't arrest nice guys. Actually, scratch that. The chances of me finding Tom Hanks in the act of killing seals is, like, 10 to 1. And the chance of me trying to report such a crime to a fictional character is even greater. Plus, it's probably out of Chief Swan's jurisdiction. Still…you never know. Bella pleads with her dad to investigate, but Charlie doesn't buy her story. She tells us, "My voice was starting to sound whiney." Starting to sound whiney? There must have been an error at the printers, because this sentence should have appeared in book one, paragraph two. Charlie doesn't listen to her, and mentions he's very busy with another wolf attack. Bella is surprised, as she thought Laurent must have killed the wolves. But since the wolves are still eating hikers, we're not sure what happened between Laurent and the animals. Maybe he simply ran away. Or the wolves ate him. Or Laurent bumped into Emmett in the woods. I like to believe that Emmett is hiding in the forest wearing camouflage and face paint. And the scared Laurent looked at Emmett and said, "You have to save me from the wolves!" Emmett then removed Laurent's head with one clean punch and whispered, "Consider yourself saved." At least that's what would happen in my version of the story. I miss Emmett…and Conner. Bella drives to La Push, determined to wait for Jacob even if it takes all night. On the way, she spots Quil, they talk for a while, and she gives him a ride home. I hope this section wasn't important, because I didn't pay attention. After dropping Quil off at his house, Bella drives to Jacob's house and waits. Billy looks at her from his front window, but she doesn't budge. Finally Jacob shows up…and he's a jerk. I no longer want to join Team Jacob. I now want to join Team Emmett, Team Alice, or Team Bella's Truck. Jacob is mean and aggressive. He's not the Jacob Black that I feel in love with (in a heterosexual kind of way. I swear!). He's even bigger than before, with a harder face and short cropped hair. He walks up to the truck and curtly asks what Bella is doing here. Sam and the other cult members are with him. Bella is taken aback by his new appearance and attitude, and isn't sure what to say. I'd start by saying, "Dude?!" And then repeat as necessary in varying tones until I get all my answers. Bella says she wants to talk to him, but her voice is tiny and weak. He doesn't move and tells her to get on with it. She gets angry and says she wants to talk to him alone. He turns to the others and speaks in their Native American language, and the other guys go inside (presumably to floss out dead hiker from their teeth). With Sam and the cult member gone, Jacob relaxes a little, but is still angry. Bella and Jacob take a walk, and he says, "Let's get this over with." This is not Jacob. It can't be. This is probably just some mean guy who kidnapped him and used that Polyjuice potion

from the Harry Potter books to disguise himself as Jacob. Please let that be the reason he's acting like an ass. (I even wrote this on a helium balloon and set it free while wishing with all my might. I also wished for a pet cloud, again.) Jacob explains that the situation with Sam is not bad, and that he was wrong about him. Sam is a great guy and is helping Jacob. So Bella's concern over Sam's cult is not necessary. Sorry, but that's not a good enough explanation, Mr. Black. Bella demands to know what's going on, but Jacob says he can't explain it to her. She starts crying. She's worried that Sam did something to Jacob. He tries to reassure her that he's fine, and that she shouldn't blame Sam. She asks if Sam isn't the reason, then who is responsible for this sudden change? Jacob says it's the Cullens' fault, though he calls them "those filthy, reeking, bloodsuckers that you love so much." I'm not a huge Cullen fan, but they always seemed very hygienic, so I'm not sure Jacob's adjectives are justified. Perhaps he should have referred to the Cullens as "those welldressed, wealthy, very white, handsome, non-scary bear killers that you love so much." Question: Why do both werewolves and vampires need to live in the same small town? Is there a tax incentive for monster residency? Does the water in the town taste like Swedish Fish? Because then I'd understand. But this rivalry seems silly, considering both groups could just move away. (The werewolves could stay with me until they found a place of their own. I'll make them spaghetti and we could stay up late watching LOST on DVD!) Bella is taken aback by the accusation. She loves the Cullens so much that she can't understand why anyone would hate them, blame them for anything, or call them names. She wants to know more, but Jacob is acting strange and angry at the mention of the vampires. She asks if he suddenly believes his grandfather's stories, and he says he was wrong to even question those legends. At this point, if Bella doesn't understand that Jacob is a werewolf, she is the dumbest character in literature, next to the deadly boulder from The Lord of the Flies. (And even that boulder had a better personality.) Bella is furious. She says that Jacob is silly for falling for superstitions, and even if the Cullens were cruel to the Native Americans, the family left months ago. Jacob says they know the Cullens left, but something happened that cannot be stopped. How cryptic! Something that cannot be stopped? Hmm. Maybe he's talking about a neverending war between werewolves and vampires…or a Slinky placed on an escalator. Bella keeps asking questions, and Jacob is getting visibly perturbed at the vampire talk. Dream Edward's voice haunts Bella's head again, warning her to be quiet and not push Jacob too much. She doesn't understand that warning, because she can't imagine how Jacob could be dangerous. Jacob turns to head back to the truck, and she tries to talk with him, but he says she should go home and that he can't hang out with her anymore. She asks if he is breaking up with her, even though they never dated.

He says this isn't a breakup, because if that were true, they could still be friends. He can't be friends with her at all. Bella is crying and doesn't know what to say. She thinks this is all her fault because she pushed him away at the movie theater. She starts to babble about how she's sorry that she doesn't think of him in a romantic way, but maybe someday she will, although we all know the only way she'll smooch Jacob is if Edward dies. Jacob starts saying that he's no good for her. (She's a sucker for that kind of pillow talk.) He tries to calm her down, and says it wasn't her fault. He adds, "I'm not good." Oh my god! Bella should marry him right now! He's just like Edward, and now he's even moody and talks about dangerous relationships. Add a wig and an amazing older brother and Jacob could be Edward. Bella yells and cries, and Jacob runs into the house, leaving her in the rain. Eventually, she leaves and thinks about sadness and gloomy things on the ride home. She thought that Jacob was the plug that could fill the make-believe hole in her chest caused by Edward, but in truth, he carved another hole, and now Bella compares herself to Swiss cheese. I liken her to a Connect Four board or one of those games at familyfriendly restaurants where you have to jump over pegs. (The trick to that game, by the way, is to always start from the lower edge, and then cheat.) At home, Charlie says Billy told him that she had a fight with Jacob. But Bella tells him what really happened: Sam is evil and did something to Jacob, and now Jacob can't see her anymore. Charlie isn't sure who to believe, and Bella goes upstairs to take a shower. After the shower, she hears Charlie on the phone, talking to Billy. It looks like good ol' Charlie is trying to win the father of the year award because he not only believes Bella, but is willing to shout at his friend Billy to get to the bottom of things. It's nice to see Charlie act tough. We only hear one side of the conversation, but it appears that Billy is blaming all the drama on Bella. And Charlie doesn't believe a word of it. He says that he and the other police officers will be keeping a close eye on Sam and the cult members. After that conversation, Charlie has risen on my list of favorite characters, beating out Rosalie and whoever the hell Ben is. Bella crawls into bed and has a dream about Jacob in which he transformers into Edward. She wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a noise at her window. Someone or something is trying to get in! Prediction: Victoria crashes into Bella's room. Dream Edward speaks, saying, "Bella! Hurry! You need to…hmm. Well maybe if you…Actually, I got nothing. Sorry kid, you're going to die. Later! By the way, I made out with Jessica last year after we had one of our fights. I grabbed her butt too. It meant nothing. I thought you should know. Adios, Lamb."

Just as Vickie is about to bite Bella, a pack of werewolves saunter out of Bella's closet and chase Victoria away.

Blogging New Moon: Part 12 Chapter Twelve: Intruder Better Title: Jacob's a werewolf. Bella's a forgetful idiot. After the exciting setup from the previous chapter, it's a bit disappointing when Victoria doesn't smash through Bella's window. Instead, it's just Jacob scratching to get in. He's hanging outside on a tree, trying to get her attention. When she asks what he's doing, he says he's trying to keep his promise. Could it be that he isn't a jerk anymore? Is he back to being awesome and Emmett-esque? He warns her to step back, and flings himself into her bedroom through the open window. After making a perfect landing, he smiles to himself. Bella doesn't like this new, cocky Jacob and yells at him to get out of her room. He says he came to apologize. I knew he couldn't be that evil! Welcome back, Jacob! Please disregard everything I wrote about you in the previous post. Jacob isn't wearing a shirt. This is the second time in the book he's described as shirtless. Although to be fair, he may have been shirtless throughout the entire book. Meyer never says, "And then Jacob did some stuff while wearing a shirt." I suppose female readers like this shirtlessness, but I don't. It makes me nervous. What if he catches a cold, or sits on a sticky vinyl chair and needs to get up suddenly? And I don't want him crying to me if he gets a nasty sun or moon burn on his back. Bella tries to push him away, and notices that his skin is still feverishly warm. So werewolves are the opposite of vampires. Vamps have cold skin. Werewolves have hot skin. Vampires wear shirts. Werewolves do not. Vampires run away from an evil vampire. Werewolves run towards an evil vampire. Vampires are stupid. Werewolves are fantastic. I bet werewolves write thrash-metal songs instead of lullabies and say "Goodbye" when they answer the phone. It all makes sense. Bella's emotional adventures of the past few days, coupled with her lack of sleep and fear of Victoria, mean she is not in the best of moods. Jacob tries to talk to her, and she backs up, eventually falling onto her bed. When he asks if she's OK, she yells, "Why in the world would I be okay, Jacob?" I kind of agree with her. She's had a rough week, and he should have brought her a present, such as fudge or a greeting card that plays a 15-second loop of "We Will Rock You."

Jacob then offers a sincere apology even if Bella is unwilling to accept it. He wants to explain what happened tonight, but for some reason he can't. She asks why he has to be so secretive, and he tries to tell her, but can't get the words out, either because he's sworn to secrecy or because he has trouble saying "werewolf" without giggling with excitement. I know how that feels. He says this secret is really big and important, and hopes that she can understand, because she has been keeping a secret about vampires for over a year. She still doesn't comprehend that he is a werewolf. Darn it, Bella. Use your brain! I haven't been this frustrated since I tried to explain Twitter to my 4-year-old cousin. (He kept arguing that Twitter will just add to the problem of a misinformed society and would never replace true journalism. Then he ran away screaming, "I'm gonna catch caterpillars!") Since Jacob cannot tell Bella this secret, he tries to make her guess what it is. He wants her to remember their conversation from last year, when he told her about vampires and werewolves. She remembers the conversation, but only focuses on the vampires, either because she's so tired, or because she's a moron. There must be a reason why Jacob can't tell her the truth, but he could use some other method to pass along the info. For instance, he could point to a war, and then point to a wolf. And keep doing this until Bella got what he was driving at. Or, he could simply tell her all the types of monsters that he isn't, and hopes she figures it out through process of elimination. It would take a while, especially if you consider various types of aliens to be monsters, but it just might work. Bella goes over last year's conversation, remembering how they talked about Edward and ancient legends. Jacob keeps pushing her to remember more of their talk. But she is getting angry, and doesn't feel like taking a Jacob Quiz right now. I may have mentioned this in another post, but when I was young, my brother told me warthogs lived in the cornfield and would eat my toes if I ventured into the field. I knew he was lying. But if today someone said to me, "Hey Dan, nice shirt. By the way, do you remember what your brother…" I would cut him off and say, "Is this about the toegobbling warthogs?" You don't forget strange stories, and Bella should realize what Jacob is hinting at. Jacob gets the feeling that this is going nowhere, and says maybe the memory will come back to her later. She asks if he can ever leave this secret life, and he says that's impossible because it's a lifetime membership, and it could last longer than that. Oh. My. God! Do you know what this means? ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! Happy Birthday to me! Since no real information is getting divulged, and Bella is about to pass out form lack of sleep, Jacob leaves. Before jumping out of the window, he tells her that he snuck out to see her, but will have to admit what he's done to the others when he returns. She says she hates Sam, and Jacob once again defends him, saying he's a good dude. He says all five members of the cult are pretty cool, even Embry. He's about to something negative about Paul, another cult member, but remains quiet. (Maybe Paul smells, or says "p'sghetti" instead of "spaghetti.")

Bella asks why, if these guys are nice, do they forbid Jacob from seeing her. And he says, "It's not safe." Or rather, he "mumbled" this. It's no secret that Stephenie Meyer loves to use the words "murmured" and "mumbled" to attribute dialogue. I guess people in Forks have weak, lazy lips. At first it didn't bother me, but now I notice it so much that it's distracting. I'll have to go through the other books, cross out these silly words, and replace them with the clear-cut "said" or the technical "orated," or the fun-to-say "prattled," or the even-more-fun-to-say (and yes, it's a real word) "bloviated." Despite the danger, Jacob says he had to see her again because after they saw the movie with Marshmallow Mike, he promised Bella that he would never hurt her. Then, after their fight/talk earlier, he felt bad for acting so mean and awful. So he came to apologize and tried to let her know what was happening. But Bella is stupid and can't figure it out. He continues to bloviate, saying he'll try to see her again soon, even if the others try to talk him out of it. He says that once she figures out his secret, she should come and tell him…if she wants to. This last bit confuses her. Why would she not want to see him after his secret is revealed? He won't give any hints, and says that if she doesn't want to see him after figuring everything out, she can call him instead. He hugs her tightly, and leaves. Since she doesn't realize he's a werewolf, I wonder what Bella thinks his secret is. Given the clues (acting strange, being dangerous, hanging out with Sam), perhaps she thinks he is: A drug user A Wererhino A drug dealer A moody creep A young actor trying to prepare for his role as a werewolf Annoying A robot who is trying to feel love despite his cold, procedural programming A ghost Acting strange because some guys don't know how to relax around women. Bella then has another dream. This dream is just like her first nightmare from the last book, where Jacob warns her about Edward. Then Dream Jacob turns into a wolf. Bella wakes up screaming and begins to piece things together. She remembers the full conversation she had with him last year, when he told her that his relatives were descendents of wolves, and that some of these men can transform into wolves. She also remembers that the werewolves have only one enemy, the cold ones (a.k.a. Pretty Night Things That Bite). Bella doesn't know what to think. She can't believe that Jacob is a real werewolf. How could two mythical monsters live in the same town? (Though I long suspected that my town was filled with both evil elves that look like chipmunks, and nasty leprechauns that look like mailboxes.) She always knew that Edward wasn't a normal human. He was too

handsome and perfect. But she never noticed anything supernatural about Jacob, so this news is even more shocking. Though it's early in the morning, she needs to see Jacob and tell him that she figured it out. She rushes out the door past a confused Charlie, but he stops her, mentioning that there has been another wolf attack, and this time an eyewitness saw the wolf. The rise in wolf attacks has caused a panic, and a reward has been offered for any dead wolf. Charlie says he needs to help search for the wolves, plus he's worried that there will be too many angry hunters out there and wants to make sure there are no accidents. This is just like Jaws, only less exciting and not as influential on young filmmakers. Charlie leaves, and Bella doesn't know what to do. Should she go tell her dad about werewolves? Should she warn Jacob that everyone is looking for wolves? Since she doesn't understand werewolf rules, she's not sure why they eat people. Do they hunt for food or because they liked to kill? Can werewolves ever be good? (No. They can be great!) She thinks back on how Carlisle had to struggle with his diet for centuries until he could control it. And now she doesn't know if protecting the werewolves is a smart move. Silly Bella, werewolves don't need protection. That's like trying to save Superman from a bee sting. The chapter ends with Bella trying to decide what to do. Prediction: For his birthday, Bella gives Jacob a T-shirt. He looks at and says, "Great! I always wanted a pillow case with far too many openings. Thanks, Bella!" He then oils up his chest to get ready for their ski trip.

Blogging New Moon: Part 13 Chapter Thirteen: Killer Better Title: Attack of the Misunderstanding There are no werewolves in this chapter, and I'm starting to worry that I read the best part of this book already. I was tempted to go back and re-read Chapter Ten and blog about the werewolf scene in the meadow one more time. But then I'd be no closer to finishing the series, and if I complete these blogs by 2010, SparkNotes is going to throw me a rollerskating party. (Which is an odd choice, since I can't rollerskate. But I just love the up-tempo music and walking around public places in my socks.) So, to keep things moving, here's another chapter where Bella frets for twenty pages. Bella is on her way to warn Jacob that everyone in town is hunting wolves. She's still not sure that protecting werewolves is the best thing to do. If Jacob is a killer, then she will end the friendship. But she wants to see him in person to get this sorted out. She arrives at his house, and Billy is surprised to see her. She doesn't come right out and say, "I know about the werewolves, Billy Boy." Instead, she tells him about the wolf hunt that's going on. He seems to understand the subtext and tells her that Jacob is sleeping in his room. One more reason why werewolves are better than vampires: They sleep. Things that sleep include astronauts and doctors who cure people. Things that don't sleep include filing cabinets and bacteria (presumably). So you tell me which group is better. Bella opens the door to Jacob's room and sees him, still shirtless, stretched out across his bed. Because he looks so peaceful, she doesn't bother waking him. That's a good idea, because even though I'm not a werewolf (yet), sometimes I growl and slash about when woken up early. I also bite the air ferociously with little regard for a person's innocence. Don't believe me? Ask my alarm clock when it returns from the clock hospital. Bella leaves, asking Billy to let Jacob know that she'll be down at the beach waiting for him. She drives to the beach and walks around nervously. Eventually, Jacob shows up, and she tells him she figured it all out, as if she's some sort of remedial Sherlock Holmes. He's glad that she finally figured out his secret, but he senses some apprehension in her voice. She's obvious not glad that Jacob is a werewolf. He says she could have simply called him, but she says it's better to talk in person. Bella is about to warn him there are

wolf hunters in the woods, but he cuts her off. He already knows about the hunters, and tells her not to worry about it because werewolves are astonishing and can take care of themselves. By the way, if Pretty Night Things That Bite are so great, why don't you ever hear about seeing-eye vampires? Just throwing that out there… Jacob says the hunters are making things more difficult, and that soon, these people will go missing too, just like the hikers. Bella gets upset. To clear things up, they are talking about two separate things. Much of this chapter is one big misunderstanding, and is like something you'd see on a poorly written sitcom. Bella is under the impression that the werewolves are killing the hikers. Jacob knows that the werewolves are actually trying to protect innocent people, and that something (or someone) else has been killing the hikers, but he's angry because Bella is making it sound as though she hates werewolves. Instead of simply writing that, Stephenie Meyer toys with the reader for three pages of confusing dialogue. The only fun part of this back-and-forth comes when Bella yells at Jacob for being a killer, and he responds with, "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?" I high-fived the book after reading that. I've read in the comments that in a later book, my admiration for Jake might dwindle because he does something bad. But unless he starts beating up babies or making fun of people who can't rollerskate, I can't imagine turning in my Team Jacob membership badge, sash, and tiara. Because Bella is talking trash about werewolves, Jacob gets angry during this confusing conversation. Dream Edward's voice once again warns Bella to keep Jacob calm. But then Jacob realizes that Bella isn't upset at the werewolves, but instead is upset at the mystery killer (whom she assumes is a werewolf). Jacob hugs her tightly. He starts to laugh, and tells Bella that he's not the killer. He explains that the werewolves are protectors and that they are trying to track down the real killer, but have been showing up too late at the crime scenes. (That would explain the wolf prints and the eyewitness testimony.) He says the only reason werewolves exist is to protect people from vampires. Bella realizes if there isn't a giant bear killing people in the woods, and if the werewolves are good guys, then the real killer is a vampire. She first suspects Laurent, but Jacob just laughs, saying one puny vampire is no match for a pack of werewolves, and that they killed Laurent easily. Of course, we don't get to see the actual fight, but in my mind, it's in glorious slow-motion during a midnight snowstorm and the scene is accompanied by a lush Beethoven symphony and the soothing rumble of jet pack engines. He was happy to kill the vampire that was going to kill Bella, and doesn't think this makes him a murderer because vampires aren't people. I don't consider myself a murder either, since I only kill bugs and vampires that have taken the shape of bugs.

Bella is shocked that the wolves not only ate Laurent, but that it was easy for them to do so. In her mind, nothing could kill vampires because they are too pretty and special and super-duper. She's so happy that Laurent is dead, and she no longer needs to worry about her and her dad's safety. Jacob puts his amazing arm around Bella and tells her that werewolves are pretty tough. Since werewolves are super great and strong, Bella wonders why Jacob warned her last night that things were not safe. He says he was worried about losing his temper, and that if he gets too angry he could turn into a werewolf and then gobble up Bella in fit of rage. She says she thought werewolves were only activated during a full moon, and Jacob says that's just a Hollywood story. If you read or watch any vampire or werewolf story made in the past twenty years, there's always a scene like this, where the monster explains the rules and says that Hollywood movies and horror novels are always wrong. But if that's true, than this book would be wrong as well, since it too is a story. How are we ever to know what the real rules of vampires and werewolves are, if the books and movies keep telling us lies? This is what I call the Modern Monster Paradox, and it will be the subject of a paper I'm submitting to major philosophy journals around the world. Jacob then reassures Bella that he will take care of the problem and he and the other werewolves are keeping an eye on Charlie. This news doesn't make Bella feel any better, because it means there is still a vampire out there. And since Laurent is now wolf poop, the monster still lurking in the forest is none other than the evil Victoria. Jacob says that Victoria's attack pattern is unusual, as if she's trying to test the werewolves' defenses. She keeps running away and coming back. The werewolves aren't sure what her motives are. The thought of Victoria prowling the forest, trying to find a way to get to Bella, makes Bella nearly pass out. She almost falls on the ground, but Jacob grabs her and asks what's wrong. She explains who Victoria is, and tells Jacob that the Cullens killed her mate James last year and now Victoria wants revenge. But Victoria doesn't know that Edward and Bella broke up, and that she's all alone now (unless Vickie is secretly Marshmallow Mike in disguise). Jacob says this news is wonderful, because now the werewolves have some solid information on the enemy. He needs to tell the other werewolves, and leaves Bella alone for a minute while he darts into the woods. While he's busy in the woods, Bella worries about Victoria and thinks the vampire would destroy Jacob, despite his werewolf powers. I'm confused again. (Big surprise, right?) Why does Bella assume Victoria is some sort of super vampire? In the last book, Vickie was second in command after James. James was more powerful than most vampires because he was a tracker, but even he was killed thanks to Emmett and Jasper. Victoria is just a normal vampire. Bella never saw Victoria do anything special, like eat a whale or fight an Emmett. So why is she so scared? The werewolves ate Laurent without a problem, so Victoria should be no different. Does Victoria have a missile launcher? Can she transform into a tornado? What's the big deal?

Jacob returns to a petrified Bella. He tells her not to worry, but she can't help it. She asks why he went into the woods just now, and he says he had to turn into a wolf to call the others. Werewolves can read each other's minds, but only when in wolf-form. Mind reading? Again? The only reason Stephenie Meyer uses mind reading powers and future predicting abilities is because it's easier than trying to write realistic solutions to problems. Good idea. I'm going to use similar writing tricks when I write my teen horror romance story, tentatively titled Early Evening. Here's a sample: Tracy was scared, but the mighty wererhino Lan Lergstein, who was strong, galloped up beside her and said, "Don't fear, for I used my ability to predict the future to figure out where the gang hideout is located. Then, using my mindreading abilities, I learned the location of the secret formula. After that, I used my x-ray eyes to find danger and then defeated the danger with my strength. Also, my ability to communicate with plants came in handy when I was trapped inside a giant, plant-filled cage. So basically, you're safe forever. Now let's grab some jet pack fuel and soar away majestically." The End You can write your way out of any conflict if you just throw in some super powers. Powers make everything great. War and Peace would be significantly shorter (and better) if Napoleon could read minds and run fast. (Full disclosure: I've never read War and Peace, and there's a slight chance that in the story, Napoleon can read minds and has super speed.) Jacob says he's taking Bella to meet Sam. He kept his wolf message short, because if Sam found out that he was bringing Bella, he would probably order him to leave her out of this. Bella doesn't understand why Jacob must follow Sam's orders, but Jacob reveals that since Sam is the leader of the pack, the other wolves must do as he says. This is why he couldn't tell Bella his secret last night. Apparently, there are a lot of wolf rules, such as following the leader, and Jacob is still learning the ropes. Since full moons don't trigger the change, how do these wolves activate their powers? Is there a certain muscle you need to flex? What if I'm a werewolf and I just don't know it yet? What if all I need to do to become a werewolf is flex my calf muscle in a secret way and then POOF, I'm a wolf? Now I'm looking at my calves with a mixture of fear and excitement. Hold on. Let me try something. Damn. Nothing happened. But now my legs hurt and I have headache. Maybe the process takes time, and I will become a wolf slowly, over the next fifteen to twenty years. I'll keep you updated. Bella asks if Sam will be angry that she tagged along, and Jacob says he probably will be, but the pack needs the inside scoop on Victoria, so Sam will have to listen. They arrive at the meeting spot and talk about Edward for a bit. The other werewolves show up and Bella is nervous. Prediction: The werewolves kill Victoria. Later, Bella spots a spider in her room, and freaks out, not knowing what to do. She's too scared to tell Jacob, because she doesn't want him to get hurt. She can't go to her mom's house in Florida, because the spider

might follow her there. After weighing all of her options, she burns down the house in an attempt to kill the spider. She changes her name and runs away to Alaska, hoping that if the spider lived, it won't be able to find her.

Blogging New Moon: Part 14 Chapter Fourteen: Family Better Title: Hey Lady, What's Up With Your Face? Despite both Bella's expectations and my own wishful thinking, the other werewolves do not come to the meeting in wolf form. Instead, the four guys (Sam, Paul, Jared, and Embry) walk out of the trees "halfnaked." Bella doesn't tell us which half, but it's safe to assume the guys are wearing pants. Or perhaps Bella is a prude, and describes anyone showing just a hint of ankle as being half-naked. As they approach Jacob, they spot Bella and get angry. Paul, who has a temper problem, yells at Jacob for bringing Bella. He hollers and scolds, but Jacob sheepishly says Bella can be a great asset. When Paul calls Bella a "leech-lover," Jacob gets mad and shouts back at Paul--and rightfully so. Using the derogatory L-word to describe a vampire is unforgivable . . . unless you are a vampire rapper and use the term to describe your fellow vampire friends and colleagues. Sam tries to settle Paul down, but it's no use. Bella hears a loud ripping noise, and Paul transforms into a werewolf in one quick gesture, sprouting fur and growing five times his normal size. Wolf Paul growls at Bella, but before he can attack, Jacob turns into a wolf and springs to her rescue. You're probably wondering why I'm not writing this in capital letters and shouting, "Werewolves are rad! Werewolves are rad!" Werewolves are indeed quite rad, and this transformation scene was amazing. But I'm a little bored by reading about another scenario where a nice monster's "brother" attacks Bella, forcing the nice monster to turn angry and protect her. Instead of Jasper and Edward, we now have Paul and Jacob. I only hope that after the attack, Jacob doesn't tell Bella, "Listen non-girlfriend, for no good reason, me and the other werewolves are going away forever. You will never see me again and I'm going to go through all your crap and steal anything that reminds you of me. Well? Aren't you going to thank me?" The two wolves fight violently as the remains of Jacob's clothes gently rain down. Wolf Jacob is bigger than Wolf Paul and is able to fight and push Wolf Paul away from Bella and into the woods. Sam needs to stop this and orders Jared and Embry to take Bella to Emily's house while he handles these two crazy kids. Sam takes off his shoes and goes after the wolves, probably to offer them Snausages and a car ride if they stop fighting. Embry laughs and jokes that this isn't something you see every day. But Jared says he sees this too often. I guess Paul and Jacob fight a lot, or Jared read the first three chapters of this book too, and finds the similarities between this fight and the Edward/Jasper fight a bit too contrived.

Jared and Embry joke around like regular teenagers and pick up all the ruined and torn clothing, including Jacob's sneakers. One of them makes a comment that Jacob can't afford to replace his shoes all the time, so Jake will have to be barefoot for a while. That's so sad. Jacob wouldn't have this problem if he wore Velcro shoes like my grandma. In fact, all the werewolves should invest in some tear away clothes like the kind worn by exotic male dancers. Wearing a fake fireman's outfit is easier than buying new pants every day, and you can make some extra cash by grinding into women at wild, sexy parties or by fighting naughty, sexy fires. Or just wear smocks. That's what I do. (I'm still hoping to turn into a werewolf by flexing my calves. It could happen...at…any… moment.) Bella doesn't like Jared and Embry's lackadaisical attitude, since two giant wolves just ran into the forest fighting each other. But the two guys aren't worried at all and are shocked that Bella is so concerned. (I guess Bella's secret of being a were-whiner is still unknown to these guys.) Jared and Embry bet on who will win the wolf fight. Jared sides with Paul, while Embry sticks with Jacob, saying Jacob is a better werewolf. I'm rooting for Jacob, too. I always bet on Black. (I've been waiting to say that for three months, but the right opportunity never presented itself until now.) On the ride to Emily's, Jared and Embry bet on whether the shocked and stunned Bella will vomit or not. Again, it's nice to see guys goofing around and not taking things so seriously. I'm trying to savor this moment because I know that Edward will eventually return, and everything will become dark and brooding again. I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Embry explains that Emily is Sam's fiancée and acts as a sort of mother for the werewolves. Sadly, she is not a werewolf. Embry advises Bella not to stare at her but doesn't say why. Instead, he hints at the dangers involved in a werewolf/human relationship, and I don't think he's talking about trying to paper train a werewolf. They talk about Laurent, and Bella tells them that Laurent wasn't part of the Cullen family. The guys are glad to hear this because they didn't want to break the treaty. The werewolf-vampire treaty forbids werewolves from crossing over into Cullen territory or attacking any members of the Cullen clan. In return, the Cullens must never drink human blood. My neighbor and I have a similar treaty, except it states that I'm responsible for trimming the hedges on the property line, but I'm not allowed to use his big TV when he's not home. In exchange, my neighbor will not drink human blood. Technically, the werewolves were not allowed to attack Laurent until Laurent bit Bella, but Jacob didn't want things to get that far and had the pack attack prematurely. Bella offers up some truly thought-provoking and meaningful words of appreciation by saying, "Oh. Um, thanks." That is something you say when a stranger holds the elevator for you. That is not something you say when heroic werewolves save your life. When you are saved by werewolves, you should cry out, "Thank you, mighty wolves! Thank you! Thank you! Can I try out one of your jet packs real quick?" (It never hurts to ask.)

They arrive at Emily's house, and the boys smell food cooking. Emily usually has food ready for the guys, because werewolves burn a lot of calories. A-ha! Stephenie Meyer must have read the previous blogs and knew I was going to ask about werewolf metabolisms, just as I had asked about a vampire's caloric intake. Thanks, Steph. I appreciate it. And I'm still waiting to hear back regarding the following questions: Why do the Cullens run away all the time? How, exactly, does Alice's future-telling ability work? Do vampires go to the bathroom? What possible reason is there for the vampire's glittery skin? Why do vampires go to school? If the Cullens have been hanging around Forks for a long time (judging by Jacob's stories of his grandfather, they've been here for a few decades), why has no one noticed them? Seriously, what's the point of shimmering skin? If Edward had changed into a vampire when he was 60, would he still be lusting after 18year-old Bella? And are you OK with that? Really? What if he was a vampire at the age of six? So watching an 18-year-old make out with a six-year-old is totally cool because they are true loves? How's Emmett doing? Is Emmett your favorite character? Do you think Emmett would be my friend? What kind of music does Emmett like? If I want to send Emmett a letter, do I just send it to you? Why do bike shorts always come in black? (This has less to do with Twilight and more to do with general curiosity.) You included the glitter skin as a joke, right? Since Bella didn't puke on the ride to Emily's, Embry won the bet, but Jared says he doesn't have his wallet on him to pay up. This brings up another interesting werewolf question: Where do werewolves keep their keys? Perhaps they wear elastic fanny packs or hide them in a fake rock by the back door, like my neighbor does. When they walk into the house, Bella notices the beautiful woman working at the counter with her back turned toward Bella. When Emily turns around holding a plate of muffins, Bella understands why Embry told her not to stare. Due to a werewolf attack, Emily's

face is scarred and disfigured. Bella tries to divert her eyes and looks at the muffins, possibly making the muffins feel selfconscious. At first, Emily isn't very nice to Bella, calling her "the vampire girl." But sassy Bella calls Emily a "wolf girl" and this breaks some of the tension. Emily offers Bella a muffin as the other two guys begin inhaling food. Sam comes home, grabs Emily's face, and kisses her passionately. Who said only vampires are romantic? Who!? The public display of affection is too much for Bella and the imaginary holes in her chest hurt. Or maybe she's suffering from an allergic reaction to muffins, and/or scars. I owe Sam an apology. A few blogs ago, I accused him of being the villain. But I was wrong. I will amend my motto "Always bet on Black" by adding, "Always wager on the werewolves." Sam, I am sorry. Can I try one of your jet packs real quick? Paul and Jacob are friends again and fight playfully with each other. Jacob says hi to Bella and asks how she's doing after witnessing her first werewolf transformation. She says she's fine and continues to eat the muffin. Sam quiets everyone to let them all know the news about Victoria. Jacob explains that Victoria is after Bella and that she's trying to break through the werewolf line of defense to get into Forks. They assume the only way to get to Bella is through the well-protected forest. Apparently no one in La Push, including Tricky Vickie, has ever heard of a helicopter. Sam offers up a strategy to corner Victoria. He wants the pack to split up, hoping that Victoria will try to sneak past them. Once they spot Victoria, they hope to surround and trap her. I'm not sure this is the best plan. Instead, they should dig a big hole, cover it with leaves and sticks, and then make a Bella dummy out of straw, an old Wuthering Heights T-shirt, and a wig. Then place this dummy gently over the hidden trap. Inside the dummy, insert a cassette player that plays back Bella's voice saying the following statements, "I'm Bella Swan. I'm really her. Edward is my love and he would be mad if I was dead. James was smelly and he cried when he died, just like a baby. Like a fat, smelly baby. My neck is exposed. I sure hope a bee doesn't sting my exposed neck. La la la. I'm Bella Swan for real…" You'd have Victoria trapped in no time. Still, Sam's plan beats anything the Cullens would have come up with, as vampire strategies include running away or covering Bella's neck with hair.

Jacob recommends that Bella stay in La Push instead of Forks, because she'll be safer here. They're also going to try and convince Charlie to come up as much as possible, which shouldn't be a problem since the NCAA basketball tournament is underway, and Charlie likes watching sports with Billy and Harry because he's an empty shell of man without any hope of finding love again. Bella agrees and spends the rest of the day at Billy's house. Charlie comes over after work to watch the game but isn't sure what to think of Bella's relationship with Jacob, since a few chapters ago, Bella was screaming that Jacob was in an evil cult. When Bella and her dad leave, Jacob goes on wolf patrol. All right, here's another question regarding the plot. James was smart enough to go after Bella's mom. (Or at least an old VHS tape of Bella's mom.) So why doesn't Victoria do the same and kidnap Renee? Is there a clan of werewolves in Florida? Does Vickie hate humidity? If I wanted to get to Bella, and wolves just ate my only friend, I might try a different approach and take the former Mrs. Swan hostage. While in Florida, I would also ride Space Mountain, like, twenty times! At home, Charlie asks what's going on between her and Jacob. Bella says they're friends again, and Charlie is slightly ticked off at the sudden change in attitude. It's just like the time I said I hated Honey Nut Cheerios, but now it's my favorite breakfast food. (And once I even ate it for dinner. Don't tell!) She has trouble sleeping, and thinks about what Jacob said earlier, that she was a hypocrite because she liked vampires but thought werewolves were killers. She contemplates what would happen if Edward was a killer, instead of vegetarian. Would she still love him? She can't decide and goes to sleep. In her dream, she's still lost in the woods but is holding Emily's hand and waiting for the wolves to return. Prediction: Victoria tries a different approach. She uses Simon and Garfunkle songs and bath salts to soothe the guys so that they don't turn into werewolves. The plan nearly works, but just as Victoria is about to bite Bella, Jacob becomes angry and frustrated by the song "America" because he wants to know if Kathy and the narrator ever find America. He turns into a wolf and gobbles up Victoria and Bella (by accident), realizing too late that the song was about hope and a quiet sadness, and not about the destination at all.

Blogging New Moon: Part 15 Chapter Fifteen: Pressure Better Title: Bella (hearts) Dying Spring Break arrives in Forks, and I'm shocked that Bella even cares, as I assumed she dropped out of school altogether since she hasn't mentioned class or her nonmonster friends for about 200 pages. How's Angela? Is she still going out with Ben? Has E-rock gotten his girlfriend pregnant? Did Tyler start dealing crystal meth as a way to make extra money but then got sucked into the world of drugs, and now is running from both the law and his own inner demons? We don't know. Instead, Bella tells us what it feels like to be sad. With Victoria on the loose, Bella spends most of the week at La Push, hanging out in Billy's house or walking along the beach. Jacob tries to spend time with her, but his werewolfing schedule is rather hectic, so Bella is alone most of the time. When the two are together, Jacob holds Bella's hands, and she hopes Jacob realizes she's still not romantically interested in him. I can't see how Jacob could misread that. I hold hands with all my friends, and even strangers at the mall who share similar walking strides with me. Hand holding is as benign as waving hello or licking the back of a thigh. At work, Marshmallow Mike is a little upset that Jacob is always hanging around Bella, but Bella assures Mike that Jacob is just her best friend. (Suck on that, Angela!) Mike sees how Jacob reacts to Bella, and tells her that Jacob wants to be more than friends. Bella sighs, saying life is complicated. And Mike whispers under his breath, "And girls are cruel." Chances that Mike will end up being a misogynistic serial killer have just risen from a 60% chance to an 86% chance. Women of Forks, consider this a warning. At night, Sam and Emily have desert with Charlie and Billy, and Charlie is trying hard to accept Sam, even though Bella accused him of being evil a few days ago. Jacob and Bella then sneak away and hang out in Jacob's car. Sitting in parked cars is also something I do with friends, and strangers. So this is in no way romantic. By the way, Jacob is shirtless again. This is not a joke. Perhaps the inability to wear shirts is the reason there are no female werewolves. (Or if they do exist, they live in the naughty section of town.) Sitting in the parked car, Bella asks about the wolf powers. Jacob says that their body temperature is higher than normal and that he could walk around in a blizzard shirtless and not mind the cold. She then asks about the werewolves' healing powers, and Jacob is anxious to show her by cutting himself with a knife, but Bella stops him before he does it.

Jacob says this power is "pretty cool." Chalk up another point for werewolves because they actually enjoy their powers, unlike the never-satisfied vampires who gripe about immortality and super strength as if having those powers is like having pimples. Jacob says Quil will soon become a werewolf, and that a werewolf's first transformation has nothing to do with age, but emotions. He says that the feelings build up inside of you, until one day you snap and transform. So, it has nothing to do with flexing your calf muscles in a painful manner. My doctor was right. He goes on to say that being a werewolf is pretty nifty and not horrible at all. The hardest part for him is that he could lose control and hurt someone. Sam lost control for a blink of an eye and nearly killed Emily, and Sam has never been able to forgive himself. Jake says he's good at werewolfing. He can transform faster than the others, and everything about being a werewolf comes naturally to him. He blames this on his ancestors. He has werewolf relatives on both his father's and mother's side of the family, so it's understandable that he's a natural. I'm not so lucky. One side of my family was farmers, and the other side was textile workers. Maybe this means I have a hidden talent for sewing milk. Bella asks what's the best part about being a werewolf. Jacob smiles and says the best part is the speed. They can outrun super fast vampires, and since Jacob loves fast cars and motorcycles, it's easy to understand why he digs this power. However, I think the best thing about being a werewolf would be having your belly scratched. Have you ever seen a dog get his belly scratched? It's epic! Jacob then takes a turn asking questions. He wants to know more about James and Victoria and why the Cullens killed James. Bella explains that James was a tracker and wanted to kill Bella for sport, and nearly succeeded. She then shows Jacob the scar on her hand. Jacob acts weird and doesn't understand how Bella remained human after a vampire bite. But Bella says Edward sucked the vampire venom out, so she's still human. The thought of Vampire Bella makes Jacob angry, and he starts to shake. He's about to turn into a werewolf unless Bella can calm him down. She should make Jacob playful, by waving a ball in front of his face and yelling in a high-pitched baby-talk voice, "Jakey want the ball? You want the ball? Who wants the ball? You want the ball? Ball? Go get the ball," and then pretending to throw the ball while secretly hiding it behind her back, making an anxious Jacob eagerly chase after nothing and spastically look around for the ball. Dogs are great. Jacob tries to remain calm and asks Bella to talk about something, anything, to get his mind under control. This same thing happened in the last book with Eddie, when Edward got so ticked off at the bad Port Angeles dudes that he made Bella prattle on about boring high school stuff or else he would…I don't know…weep with rage? But now, there is real danger because if Jacob transforms, the entire car will burst apart and Bella will be smashed to death. So, to get his mind off of vampires, Jacob asks Bella to talk about the Cullen vampire powers. Huh? The guy is getting angry just thinking about vampires, and the only way to

calm him down is to talk about how powerful vampires are? This does not make sense. If a bull is charging at you, you don't try to calm it by bending over and wiggling your butt. And yet this vampire talk seems to work. As Bella explains Jasper's emotional powers and Alice's confusing ability to predict the future, Jacob begins to relax. But thinking about Alice makes Bella remember the premonition Alice had in which Bella became a vampire. And she gets upset that this prediction didn't come true. (Alice isn't a prophet. She's a liar. I'm sure of it.) All the talk about vampires makes Bella feel sad, and she once again clutches her chest. Jacob asks what the deal is with Bella's constant self-hugging, and Bella admits that thinking about vampires makes her gloomy inside. He strokes her hair to try and comfort her. (Another clear sign that they're just friends, right?) Jacob apologizes for bringing up Cullen business and jokingly says that between his anger issues and Bella's sadness, the two are quite messed up. The next day, Bella is trying to stay busy at Billy's house by studying for an upcoming test, but she doesn't like being alone, and Billy isn't much of a conversationalist. (I'm sure this is all Billy's fault and has nothing to do with Bella's gloomy, grumpy mood. I love talking to grumps. They're so fun and add a lot to the conversation.) She hangs out at Emily's house to change things up, and likes it there, but when Sam comes home, Bella can't stand all the love and affection he and Emily share. So she goes strolling along the beach. During her walk, she tells us that she's getting closer and closer to Jacob but isn't sure what to do about it. Dear Bella, here's what you do: Kiss him all over. All this thinking about love and danger tires Bella out and she curls up on the beach. Jacob finds her and feels bad that Bella has been spending her entire Spring Break alone and miserable. He says that tomorrow he'll take a day off from hunting and have fun with Bella. A while back, he promised to take her cliff diving, and tomorrow is the perfect time to make good on that promise. Bella loves the idea because it means she will hang out with Jacob and she will get to hear angry Dream Edward warn her about the dangers of cliff diving. It's a win-win situation. But the next morning, when Jacob fails to meet her, she goes looking for him and Billy says he's not home. The wolves have picked up Victoria's trail and may have her cornered near the mountains, so Jacob had to run off and help eat her. The news scares Bella. She still is convinced that Victoria is a super vampire, capable of destroying entire planets. She says she has a memory of Victoria being "wild, catlike, lethal," but that memory must have come from something not seen in the book. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only time Bella ever saw Victoria was once, during the baseball game. And that's it. Where is Bella's perception of Victoria being a super monster coming from? It would be like me saying that Jennifer Hudson was capable of lifting an aircraft carrier, just because once I saw her walking on the street carrying a large purse and she didn't look very tired.

The news that the hunt is in full swing worries Bella, and she tries to relax by watching TV and walking on the beach. But nothing works. Finally, she decides to try cliff diving by herself, sure that this will spark a visit from Dream Eddie, and she hopes that Dream Edward will take her mind off Victoria. There are two cliffs to dive from, a low cliff that normal people leap from, and a high cliff that is only used by werewolves. Bella thinks she knows the way to the low cliff, but gets lost and ends up at the tall cliff instead. A huge thunderstorm is approaching, and Bella doesn't have time to hike back down to the other cliff. Plus, part of her wants to jump from the high cliff because that would mean more danger and more Dream Edward. As she steps to the ledge, Dream Edward speaks to her, trying to convince her to step away. Bella answers him in her mind, and they have a short, stupid conversation. Dream Edward screams no, and Bella jumps from the cliff. She loves this feeling quite a bit, and splashes into the cold water below thinking that this wasn't so scary after all. But the real danger isn't in jumping off, but in coming back up from the ocean after the plunge. The storm has made the water very choppy and Bella can't get her bearings to reach the surface. She holds her breath as the underwater current smashes her around. Dream Edward tells her to keep swimming. (Great advice, Eddie.) And Bella tries, but still can't get above water. She's about to die, and instead of seeing her life flash before her eyes, she sees Real Edward and loves it. She loves this feeling and thinks dying is awesome. For a few paragraphs Bella explains how glorious suicide feels. I don't think this is the right message to send out to young women. Maybe in the next book, Stephenie Meyer will explain the joys of drunk driving and how unprotected sex leads to true love. Bella becomes filled with happiness at the thought of ending it all, as water rushes down her throat. She says goodbye to Dream Edward, and the chapter ends. Prediction: Thanks to Dream Edward's words of wisdom, Bella doesn't die. Later, Bella gets trapped in a house fire and Dream Edward advises her, "Leave the house." Then, during an earthquake, Dream Edward tells Bella, "Don't get hit with debris." And finally, when Bella is slowly dying from a terminal illness, Dream Edward shouts at her, "Get better."

Blogging New Moon: Part 16 Chapter Sixteen: Paris Better Title: The Cullens Ruin Everything! The fire that Bella sees in the water is really Victoria's hair. There. I just saved you from reading this lousy chapter. Sorry if I sound grumpy, but it's only because by the end of the chapter, the Cullens are back. And I've got a sinking suspicion that soon Jacob will take a back seat to Edward…stupid, shiny, Edward. Anyway, let's get this over with so that I can go buy Shakira's new song "She Wolf" and add it to my Werewolves play list, which so far includes Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London," TV on the Radio's "Wolf Like Me" and Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA" (The last song has nothing to do with werewolves, but I need to practice for karaoke night.) The chapter begins with Bella being saved from the ocean by awesome Jacob. As she regains her breath and coughs up water, she dips in and out of consciousness, and only picks up bits and pieces of the conversation going on around her. Sam and Jacob mention something about a hospital, but Bella can't figure out what's happening. While all this is going, she looks out in the bay and sees a small fire burning on the water. You don't find out what this "fire" is until the end of the chapter, but I've already let it slip that it's Victoria's hair, meaning the e-vamp was watching Bella from the bay. The author included this chapter-length mystery of "What is the Fire?" to ensure that people will actually read this chapter. Without it, these twenty pages are nothing but space filler. It's a neat literary trick. Perhaps I would have stuck with Moby-Dick if every few pages Ishmael said, "Look at all the symbolism and such. By the way, I wonder what that demon I saw last night really was, the one made out of smoke and mystery." Even if that demon turned out to be a nothing but a rabid donkey, it would have kept me interested. Jacob carries Bella back to his house. She gets her mind working again and admits cliff diving by herself was stupid, and Jacob agrees. With everyone in agreement that Bella is a fool, she changes the subject to Victoria and asks what happened during the hunt. Jacob says they lost her again when she went into the water. Vickie's dip in the ocean worried Jacob, and he thought she would attack Bella on the beach, so he rushed home. Remember gang, swimming is easy for vampires because they don't need to breathe air. That super power makes me wonder where the air goes when

vampires sniff teenage girls? Maybe the air gets sucked into their bellies and they belch it out later like a frog or a well-fed uncle. Bella recalls that Sam mentioned a hospital, and Jacob gives her the sad news: Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. Poor Harry. Of all the literary characters who ate spaghetti outside, he was easily one of my top ten favorites. Maybe even top seven. Bella asks if there is anything she can do, but Jacob says she should just stay in his house. He grabs some clothes for Bella and is about to leave her alone so she can change in private, but Bella tells him to stay put. Sadly, this does not lead to a sexy, naked party with candles and lotions and giggles. Instead, Bella is just scared and doesn't want to be left alone. The obviously-weary Jacob stays with Bella. She keeps her wet clothes on as she sits by the radiator. Jacob and Bella fall asleep. Bella doesn't have a nightmare, but images of her past fill her dreams. The last image is of the mysterious fire on the water. (See? The fire mystery makes you want to keep reading. I'm going to use this trick when I write Early Evening: A Wererhino Romance, to help spice up the chapter in which Lan Lergstein, the mighty wererhino who is strong, is stuck at the mechanic, waiting for his jetpack to be fixed.) When she wakes up, she thinks about Romeo and Juliet for a few pages. Bella wonders what would have happened in the play if Romeo was a jerk and broke up with Juliet. Bella is certain that Juliet would be miserable for the rest of her life. Bella brings up the character of Count Paris, Juliet's other choice of life-partner. In the play, Paris doesn’t do a whole lot. But Bella thinks things would be different if Paris and Juliet were friends. If Romeo left because he was an ass, Juliet might be able to have a relationship with Paris. And maybe Juliet could even love Paris, though not in the same way she loved Romeo. This is a weird thing to bring up because…Whoa! I just realized that Bella's life is mirroring Juliet's! Stephenie Meyer is so creative and wise. Holy cow! I just realized that West Side Story is just Romeo and Juliet in New York! Holy cow again! I just realized that my parents were Santa Claus! This part of the book is a little heavy handed. First, if Romeo left Juliet, and Juliet didn't have any poison handy, all that would happen is that Jules would be sad for a while and listen to emo harpsichord music and dye her hair eight different shades of purple. Then, in a month, she would meet some other guy who is way better than Romeo because he has a car and she will fall in love with him. Why? Because Juliet is thirteen. Thirteen! Thirteen-year-olds have a lifetime of experience ahead of them. What you love when you're thirteen, you'll think is silly later in life. For instance, when I was thirteen, I loved jetpacks and robots, but now…um…well, I'm not a good example. The point is, Juliet would find someone else to love. And she would later snicker at the thought of dating someone as lame as Romeo. Trust me. She would be fine.

Second, if Juliet married Paris, even though she didn't love him, their relationship would be horrible. Juliet would begin to resent Paris and they would have fights such as this: PARIS: Hi honey. I'm back from the Count office. JULIET: Whoopty-freaking-doo. PARIS: What's wrong? JULIET: You tell me, Count Asshead. PARIS: You mispronounced my name again. You do that a lot. JULIET: I'm tired of being stuck in this…this…whatever this is. Because it's not a relationship. PARIS: This is about Romeo, isn't it? JULIET: [sobbing] Why can't you be better!? Be more like Romeo! Be better! PARIS: I don't know what you want? Can we not do this in front of the kids? JULIET: I hate this! PARIS: Maybe you just need to get out of the house more. Take that weaving class we talked about… JULIET: Argh! I'm stuck. I'm . . . I want out! PARIS: Go soak in the tub. I'll make us Steak-umms for dinner. You love Steak-umms. JULIET: [becomes slightly happy] Really? That'd be OK, I guess. [Sniff] Can I call you Romeo tonight? PARIS: Of course, my Sugar Blossom. Of course. And then, two years later, they would get divorced and have a brutal custody battle. Paris would lose his job as Count, and Juliet would become addicted to mead and name all of her cats Romeo. It doesn't end well. Finally, Bella thinks all of these thoughts are silly, because Romeo did love Juliet, and that's why the story is timeless. She argues that no one would want to read a story called, "Juliet Gets Dumped and Ends up with Paris." She's right. No one would read that. But people would read, "Paris (Who is a Werewolf) and Juliet." She shuts her eyes and realizes how stupid she's been acting by putting her life in danger. Bella then thinks about falling from the cliff and keeps coming back to the mysterious fire on the water. She snaps out of it when she hears a car approaching. Billy and Sam return, and they let Jacob and Bella know the bad news: Harry Clearwater has died. Jacob sits next to Bella, with his face in his hands. Bella rubs his shoulders, and Jacob takes her hand and holds it to his face. No, this does not lead to a sexy naked party either. Jacob thinks she should go back to her house to be with her dad. He hops into her truck, ready to drive her home. On the ride, Jacob puts his arm around Bella to keep her warm. Bella understands that Jacob is now very important in her life. Things between them cannot continue in this annoying, cruel, and frustrating puppy-love phase much longer. She finally contemplates making Jacob her man-buddy. But I'm warning you now, don't get your hopes up for sexiness, because everything is about to go sour. She tells us that if she were to start a relationship with Jacob, she would have to tell him everything about Edward, about the voices in her head, and explain to Jacob that he is

really her second choice for a kissing partner. Who on Earth would want to date someone who told them that? You should run away from any relationship that begins with the person saying, "I love you a lot. But I love someone else more. That's cool, right? So when should we get married? I always wanted a fall wedding." Jacob, you can do better. Way better. You could date anyone you wanted, even princesses or pop stars or the adorable and witty Amy Adams. Bella goes back and forth over what to do. Should she lock lips with Jacob and kick things up a notch, or continue being a wishy-washy nincompoop? They arrive at her house, and Jacob gives Bella a hug. Again, just so you're not as disappointed as I was, there will be no snogging, smooching, tonsil tennis, canoodling, or tubnicking. (I made that last word up. Could you tell?) Things in the truck are getting sexy and tense as Jacob holds Bella. She thinks about kissing his exposed shoulders and then…oh my. Quick, hand me a glass of water and a fan! I may be overcome with the vapors after witnessing all this passion. She's about to go in for the kiss, their bodies so tense and hot that it's a wonder they don't burst into love flames. But then Bella stops things. She's not ready for this yet, and is about to explain herself when Jacob shouts. He senses a vampire nearby, and isn't sure what to do. Should he change into a werewolf (they call it "phasing," which is so cool, and much better than my suggested term, "tubnicking-maximum"), or should he drive Bella to safety? He decides to get Bella away from here. But as they drive away from Bella's house, Bella sees Carlisle's car. Aw crap. Crap. Crap. Double Crap. There are more explicit words I'd like to use. But since this is family-friendly site, I'll go with, Tubnicking-Supreme! I wouldn't be so disappointed if it were Emmett's jeep that showed up. But Carlisle's car means things are about to get stupid again with talk of ever-lasting-love, how horrible it is to be a vampire, and boring speeches on the subject of potential danger. Crap. Bella is shocked to see Carlisle's car and demands that Jacob stop the truck. She tells him not to worry, and that Carlisle isn't here to hurt her. Jacob still doesn't trust this situation, and rightfully so. It could be Victoria pulling a trick on Bella. (Please tell me it's Victoria pulling a trick on Bella. Please?) But Bella is stupid, and tells Jacob that this isn't a trick. Jacob is getting mad, and when Bella asks him to drive her back, he says, "No. Take yourself back, Bella." Once again, I'm high-fiving a book. Bella is stunned at the response. But Jacob explains he can't go back there because it's Cullen territory, and if they catch him breaking the treaty it will start a war. He gets out of the truck and runs away saying, "I really hope you don’t die." You tell her, Jake! Now

I'm fist-bumping the book. (I would have chest-bumped the book, but I didn't want to scare away the other people in my dentist's waiting room who are already looking at me in an odd way.) Bella drives back to her house, nervous and excited about what she'll find when she gets there. She opens the door and as she looks for the light switch, she suddenly remembers why the fire on the water was so familiar. It was Victoria's hair! Vickie was watching Bella in the ocean, and had it not been for Jacob and Sam, Victoria would have killed Bella right then and there on the beach! She turns the light on and sees someone waiting for her. The chapter ends. Plot question #958: If Jacob could sense that a vampire was in Bella's house, why didn't Sam and Jacob sense that Victoria was in the water watching Bella earlier? Hand in your answers first thing tomorrow. Please show your work. No partial credit. Answers involving "Werewolves can't smell wet vampires" will not be accepted because that is just silly. Prediction: Inside the house, Bella finds Carlisle in the kitchen. He looks up and says, "Hey Bella. Sorry for the intrusion, but I was just wondering if could tell me what fruit tastes like. I can't remember. Is it sweet or salty?" Bella answers, "Fruit is sweet, usually." Carlisle then snaps his fingers, walks out of the room, and heads to his car muttering, "Aha. I knew it was sweet. Esme is such a liar…" Bella wishes she had stayed with Jacob.

Blogging New Moon: Part 17 Chapter Seventeen: Visitor Better Title: Alice and Bella Sitting in a Tree… Guess what. Carlisle wasn't waiting for Bella. It was Alice. And while I still like Alice's friendly good nature, by chapter's end, she will no longer hold the number two spot on Dan's List of Favorite Twilight Characters. This has nothing to do with her personality and everything to do with her absurd, silly, all-too-convenient power. More on that later. When Bella first eyes Alice, she gets so excited that she runs over and grabs her. Bella is "gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible." Whoa. The Alice/Bella relationship that I only hinted at as a joke may be very real. And things only get more lovey-dovey as the chapter chugs along. Bella tells us once again how wonderful vampires smell, and the sight of her former vamp-friend makes Bella sob with delight. Alice then pulls Bella to the couch, and Bella curls up in Alice's lap. (See what I mean?) Bella goes on and on about how wonderful it is to see Alice, but Alice is acting a bit cold and distant. Don't worry. Alice didn't take some of Edward's moody pills. She's being unfriendly because she needs to eat, and when she's hungry, it's not easy to be around smelly Isabelly. Alice is shocked that Bella is still alive. Alice had a vision of Bella jumping to her death from a cliff. She didn't realize that Bella was just having fun and not trying to kill herself. After seeing the vision, the fearful Alice hopped on a plane to Forks so she could check on Charlie. She didn't expect to find Bella safe and sound. Alice says that she wasn't trying to spy on Bella's future, but her powers have become "attuned" to Bella. So she can't really help but attract visions of Bella's future. Alice is angry that Bella would try to take her own life, and that Bella had so little regard for how that would effect her parents or Edward. Let's stop here for a minute and discuss Alice's powers of prediction. If she saw Bella jump in a vision, why didn't she also see this conversation that they're having right now? She should have known that Bella didn't die. This is just the tip of the Dan-Doesn'tUnderstand-Alice iceberg. There are bigger plot problems ahead… Bella explains that she was cliff diving for fun and while she did almost drown, Jacob saved her life. Alice didn't see Jacob in her vision, and this confuses Alice…and me.

Later in this chapter, Alice offers up the explanation that she cannot see the future of a werewolf, and that would explain why she didn't see Jacob. Fair enough. But, Ms. Alice Cullen, I have a few questions for you. First, why didn't you come back to Forks when Laurent was about to eat Bella? You can clearly get visions of Bella in danger, and that was a pretty dangerous situation. So you should have helped her, or at least sent a warning or fruit basket with a card that reads, "Laurent will kill you. Enjoy the pears." And why didn't you pick up a vision about Victoria? Second, if you can't see a werewolf's future, what would happen if, in the future, a werewolf would maul Bella? Would you just see Bella getting chewed up by…air? Third, if I order soup in a bread bowl, is it OK if I eat the bread bowl? Or is that tacky? (Please hurry with this one, because I need an answer now!) And my final question for the moment is this: Your powers are stupid. Could you please stop having stupid powers? While Alice tries to sort things out, Bella talks about her new BFF Jacob, but Bella isn't sure if he's still her friend since she ditched him for the vampires a few minutes ago. Sorry Bells, but you made your bed. Now lie in it…with Alice. Alice then mentions how wrong Edward was, and says, "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy." Ouch! Shut your bear-hole, Alice. I'm not Bella's biggest fan, but it seems that everyone in this entire series always tells her that she's an idiot, or stupid, or going to die unless a strong man is around to help her. Stop treating her like a newborn, and maybe she will impress you with her strength. Hell, Bella not only took care of her mom for years, but now takes care of her dad, and manages to get good grades, and has a part-time job. She's more adult and mature than people give her credit for. I can't believe I'm saying this, but give Bella a break. (Shocking, right? Next I'll tell everyone that vampires are pretty great and jetpacks are far too dangerous to own.) Bella points out that she was able to survive with Edward. Alice doesn't understand how Jacob could save Bella from drowning, and Bella tells her that Jake is strong. She then pauses and wonders if it's OK to talk about the werewolf secret. But since Jacob knows about the vampires, it only seems fair to tell Alice about the werewolves. So she spills the beans. Alice says that Bella's friendship with werewolves would explain why Bella smells bad. Alice is filled with compliments today. When she's not calling Bella an idiot, she says Bella smells funky. Soon she's going to tell Bella, "Hey Smelly Belly, what's up with your hair? I mean, if you like it, that's all the matters, right? Also, did you know your butt got bigger? Eating too much lasagna, hmm? But I guess there's more of you to love. Some guys go for…thicker girls." They talk about werewolves, and Bella says Jacob is a new werewolf. This worries Alice, because young werewolves are "even worse." Bella mumbles that werewolves aren't bad

at all. But Alice says things change when a werewolf loses his temper. That's right. They do change. The werewolves become even more amazing, and do astonishing things like eat vampires and slay dragons and win karate fights. Bella tries to defend the werewolves, saying they saved her from Laurent and are currently her only protection from Victoria. Alice is surprised that Laurent and Victoria are back, because her stupid power is worthless. How could she not "foresee" Victoria and Laurent? Am I the only one who finds Alice's inconsistent future telling abilities to be nothing but silly plot devices? Of course, chances are I'm wrong about all this. If I paid closer attention, Alice's powers may not be confusing. So if anyone can prove that Alice's abilities do make sense, I promise to make a public apology and contribute a sizeable donation to The National Institute for Plausible Fantasy Storytelling. If I'm right, and Alice doesn't make a lick of sense, then I get twenty extra points. Alice wants to hear everything that happened (Again, why doesn't Alice already know what happened?), and Bella summarizes the first half of the book. Alice takes it all in and says she's sorry for intruding. But before Alice can leave, Bella grabs her by the collar and begs her to stay. Alice gives in and says she'll stay the night. Cue the candle light because it's time for a sexy slumber party. Alice then offers up another compliment, saying, "You look like hell, Bella." Bella dismisses the insult. And just as I assume Bella and Alice will start slow dancing by moonlight, the phone rings. Bella thinks it's Charlie calling to check in but is shocked when Jacob is on the other end. He was just making sure Bella was still alive, and hangs up on her. Was it bit cold and nasty of him to hang up? Maybe. But I'm still siding with Jacob. Bella was rude and mean to him earlier. Alice puts her arm around Bella and says, "So what do we do now?" Are you serious? I defy anyone to say those words, under these circumstances, and not make them sound sexy. This is turning into an adult film. All that's missing is some cheesy music and high heel shoes. Alice says that if she's going to spend that night with Bella, she needs to go hunting first. Before leaving, she asks if Bella can be safe alone for one hour, and then Alice looks into the future and sees that nothing bad will happen in that hour. That's it. I'm giving up on trying to understand Alice's power, just as I gave up trying to grasp the concept of infinity or the idea that yogurt is alive. She leaves, but not before kissing Bella on the cheek. Bella is filled with happiness. She eats. She showers. She makes a bed for Alice on the couch. Alice returns with golden eyes, meaning she drank some animal blood. And I wouldn't be surprised if she brought a bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to help set the mood. Charlie comes home from the hospital. He's shocked to see Alice. Bella asks him if it's OK for Alice to sleep over. He says it's fine, and in a roundabout way asks if Edward is also back. He's relieved to learn that Alice is alone.

Charlie leaves, and the girls get back to catching up. Alice says Carlisle and Esme are on a hunting trip, and they don't know that Alice came to Forks. Edward has been traveling around South America but checks in with his family occasionally. Alice says that when Edward checks in again, she won't tell him about this slumber party. But I thought Edward could read minds? Argh! This makes no sense! Even if Edward is far away, you can't keep secrets from a mind reader. He'll find out, eventually! Deep breath. Deep breath. Think about werewolves. Think about werewolves. Deep calming breath. OK, sorry about that. This chapter is frustrating. The next morning, Bella wakes up and eavesdrops on Alice and Charlie talking privately in the kitchen. Alice asks Charlie how Bella dealt with Edward's departure, and Charlie explains how bad things got. Bella was in such a zombie-like state that Charlie was sure she needed medical attention and tried to force her to move to her mom's house in Florida. What wonderful parenting skills you have there, Charlie. I suppose if Bella was on fire, he would rather send her to Florida than try to deal with the situation himself. Obviously, Bella refused to go to Florida. Charlie says after meeting Jacob, Bella began to act somewhat human again. Charlie then builds up Jacob, saying how strong and amazing he is, hoping that Alice will get the point that Edward isn't needed around here. He should have let me do the talking. I'm great at convincing people that Jacob is cool. Just ask my barber. (At first she said, "That vampire guy is alright." But after hearing my 22-minute presentation entitled Jacob: The Man Behind the Legend, she changed her tune. I could tell that I won her over because throughout the haircut she kept saying, "Uhhuh. Yeah? That's nice. Could you stop turning around in the chair, sir?" I'd consider that a win for Team Jacob. Wouldn't you?) After hearing this, Bella feels awful for putting her dad through such misery. She makes exaggerated sounds to let them know she's awake. Charlie leaves to visit Harry's wife, and the girls get back to catching up and nearly kissing. Alice says that Carlisle is working in Ithaca and teaching part time. Esme is restoring an old house. Emmett and Rosalie went on a second honeymoon in Europe. And Jasper has been studying philosophy at Cornell. Meanwhile, Alice has been doing some research on her life prior to becoming a vampire. In the last book, we learned from e-vamp James that Human Alice was placed in a mental institution because she could predict the future. Alice was able to track down her birth records and learned that her real name is Mary Alice Brandon and she had a sister named Cynthia. Cynthia had a daughter who now lives in Biloxi. Instead of trying to remember this, I'm just going to forget all the information. In a future blog, please disregard my anger when I complain, "Mary? Who the fudge is Mary? And who the heck is Cynthia? And in what Mississippi town does her daughter now reside?!" Alice spends the night again, and the next morning, after Charlie leaves for Harry's funeral, Bella and Alice hang out. The doorbell rings, and Alice can guess that it's Jacob, so she steps out to avoid a confrontation.

Prediction: Everyone will still be overprotective of Bella. Years later, after much fighting and debate, Edward, Jacob, and Alice agree to take the training wheels off of Bella's bicycle. She rides around the block once, screaming, "I'm a big girl. I'm a big girl." But then she falls and gets a nasty scrap on her gigantic knee pads. Alice screams and shouts at the two guys, "I told you, she wasn’t ready. You know she can't handle things." Jacob says, "Well, maybe she just needs more practice." Edward says, "No. No more practice. All of this fresh air might give her a tummy ache. Now help me carry her back to the foam pit. She needs to rest up. Tomorrow we're going to the mall, so you better get her Mall Helmet ready."

Blogging New Moon: Part 18 Chapter Eighteen: The Funeral Better Title: Well Ain't That a Coincidence? As much as I didn't enjoy the last chapter, this is the worst chapter of the book so far, thanks to a series of silly coincidences and lack of Werewolf Jacob. And judging by what happens at the end of this chapter, it's only going to get worse. (Unless Emmett shows up…with a sword, grenades, and another sword made out of fire.) With Alice hiding out back, Bella runs to the door and finds Jacob standing in her yard. Behind him, sitting in Jacob's car, are Embry and Jared. From the looks of them, Bella knows that Jake didn't stop by for a quick platonic hug, or to make platonic lasagna. This is all about business. Jacob asks if he can talk to Bella. Bella says sure, and Jacob shoots his friends a look over his shoulder before going inside to talk. Jared and Embry stare down Bella, and she gives them a mean stare back. Good job, Belly. It's always a smart move to be sassy toward two werewolves. Werewolves love sass about as much as they love vampires and (probably) olives. Inside the house, Jacob notices the remnants of the slumber party and asks where Alice went. Bella says she was off running errands. He says he doesn't like being here but needs to ask a few questions: How long is Alice staying, and are all of the Cullens coming back? (He must already know the answer to my bread bowl question from the last blog.) Bella tells him that Alice is staying here as long as she damn well pleases, but the rest of the Cullens probably aren't coming back. Jacob reminds Bella that with Alice around, the werewolves cannot protect her because Bella's house is in Cullen territory, and the wolves can't break the treaty. So if she's smart, Bella will ditch Alice and go back to La Push where it's safe. (Who wouldn't want to go back to La Push? It's filled with motorcycles and werewolves and cliffs and outdoor spaghetti and muffins! In other words, it's heaven but with muffins.) Bella is annoyed that Jacob assumes the Cullens are monsters. She only sees vampires as being super and handsome, not evil at all. She's like a die-hard ferret owner who keeps telling people, "Ferrets make great pets. They don't bite." Of course, when you go to pet a ferret's eyeball…well, let's just say the owner's no-bite rule doesn't always apply.

Bella tries to make peace and wants to be friends with both the vamps and werewolves. But she would be a horrible U.N. official, because when trying to settle disputes between warring nations, she will always side with whoever is sparkly and smells good (such as the Dutch). Bella gets upset at the entire situation and cries. Jacob speaks up. His tone changes from a business manner to a more friendly voice, and he says he's sorry for breaking his "don't hurt Bella" promise again. This is why I only make promises that I know I can keep. Such as: I promise to never bite a pony. I promise to only drink liquid. I promise to be a famous rapper one day. Make realistic promises and you'll live life guilt-free. Jake says he understands how Bella feels about the Cullens and should have known that she would choose them over him. Bella offers a pitiful, "Sorry." He hugs her and sniffs her hair. The vampire stench on Bella makes him say, "Eww." Werewolves think vampires smell too sweet and icy. (Remind me that if/when werewolves come over for dinner, DON'T serve Slurpees as appetizers.) Jacob says that he can't be near Bella when Alice is around. Bella loves Alice (his words, I swear!), and he wouldn't want to snap into a werewolf and maul someone Bella loved, saying, "You probably wouldn't like it too much if I killed your friend." And I high-five the book again. I'm starting to suspect that all of Jacob's dialogue was written by a different writer. (J.J. Abrams? Joss Whedon?) When any other character talks, it's always too forced and unnatural, like the characters from the play I wrote in first grade, "Farm Time," which included this bit of back-and-forth: FARMER: Milk comes from cows. FARMER'S WIFE: Corn comes from fields. FARMER: We use tractors. FARMER'S WIFE: Farming is hard work. FARMER: This is about my soul, isn't it? I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already! FARMER'S WIFE: Chickens lay eggs. Bella and Jacob's conversation leads to a long section of sexual tension, including face touching, long stares, and whispers. Finally, Jacob goes in for a kiss, but just before all is right in the universe, the phone rings and the mood is broken. Jacob answers Bella's phone, listens to the other end, and angrily says, "He's not here. He's at a funeral," and hangs up. (Remember, Charlie is at Harry's funeral. This is important.) Jacob tells Bella that it was Carlisle calling. Bella asks why Jacob didn't give her the phone, but Jacob says Carlisle just asked for Charlie, and when Jacob told him were Charlie was, Carlisle hung up. Before Bella can yell at Jacob, Alice appears at the bottom of the stairs. She doesn't look good. Bella freaks out and asks what's wrong, but all Alice can say is, "Edward." This makes Bella nearly pass out. Clearly something awful has (or will) happened to Edward.

Bella demands to know what happened to Edward. But Alice is busy calling Carlisle. He's not home, but Alice talks to her sister Rosalie and gets some information. Grab a seat (you'll want to be sitting down for this) and I'll sum up what happened as best I can without laughing: As we know, a few days ago, Alice saw a vision of Bella jumping form the cliff. So, she thought Bella committed suicide and flew to Forks to help Charlie cope. Before leaving, she told Rosalie about her vision (I think). Later, when Edward called the Cullens to check in, the mean-spirited Rosalie told him that Alice saw a vision of Bella's suicide. (Still with me? Wait, it gets better.) Then, to confirm the story, Edward (claiming to be Carlisle for some reason) called Bella's house to find out of it was true. Jacob answered the phone and told him that Charlie isn't home because he's at the funeral. Edward assumed this meant Bella's funeral. So now Edward is mad as hell because he thinks Bella is dead and he wants to kill himself by meeting with the Volturi. (OK, you can stand up again.) We know that vampire suicide is no easy business, and the only way a vamp can kill himself is by meeting with the ancient, European Volturi vampires. Um…but that's not really true. Edward could save on an airfare and hotel fees, come back to Forks, and try to pet Sam Uley on the eyeball. Then Ed would die. And it would be grand! So this "Only the Volturi may kill me" thing is just another example of the author trying to push the story in a certain direction. When Bella realizes what has happened, she screams. I screamed too, because this situation is too convoluted and the plot relies too much on people being at the exact right place, at the exact right time in order for this conflict to be created. None of this would have happened if: Edward didn't pretend to be Carlisle. Bella answered the phone. Alice answered the phone. Conner answered the phone. Jacob didn't answer the phone. Harry Clearwater didn't die. Charlie wasn't friends with Harry Clearwater. The book was about Emmett and robots.

Alice's powers were not limited to only seeing events that will propel the story forward. The Cullens were not a pack of pansies that ran away from any and all problems. (Emmett obviously excluded.) Edward wasn't an idiot. Alice turned Bella into a vampire in the last book. Anyone acted sensibly. Sorry, but this situation is too hard to swallow. Alice says they can't call Edward to tell him that this was all a misunderstanding because he threw out his cell phone. Argh! (No, I'm not mad at this silly chain of events. I'm mad because he should recycle his old phone. Earth Day is every day.) Eddie is a man on a mission to get torn apart by the Volturi, and nothing can stop him. Nothing! Well, of course there is one way to stop him, but it's a long shot. (And I'll bet my left pinky that it works). Alice sees the future where Edward confronts the Volturi and asks to die. But Alice says there's a chance that the Volturi will deny his suicide request because the Volturi are good friends with Carlisle. So, if the Volturi say no, Edward will have to enrage them somehow to make them attack. And if Edward chooses to do this is some elaborate way, Alice might be able to get to Italy in time to stop him. A word or two on storytelling: If most of the narrative is about two people falling in and out of love, while being hunted by a mysterious villain, stay with that story. Don't suddenly change the entire plot in the last hundred pages so that it's now a race against the clock to stop some new villain from killing a different dude in a completely different country. The unexpected change in plot makes it seem like Stephenie Meyer got bored with the story and wanted to write about something else. Or she's mean, and loves teasing me with the possibility of a Wolf Jacob v. Victoria smackdown, only to change the entire story at the last minute. I wouldn't want to be Meyer's kids. She probably promises them trips to the toy store, and then, as they approach the toy store, she turns the car around and heads to the furniture store instead. Bella is freaking out harder than she ever freaked out before. She pushes Jacob out of the way and demands to go with Alice to Italy. (Between sassing Jake, arguing with him, and shoving him, I don't think there's a court in this country that would convict Jacob if he decided to "phase" and eat Bella.) But Alice says it's dangerous. These super vampires won't be happy to learn that Bella knows vampire secrets, so they might kill all the Cullens and eat Bella as a snack. What a shame that would be. (Psst. Hey, Bella. You should totally go to Italy. Seriously. You'll love it there. They have they best ice cream. And when you meet a Volturi vampire, pet them on the eyeballs, because that's the proper way to greet an ancient vampire.)

Surprise. Surprise. Bella doesn't care about the danger. Alice agrees to let Bella tag along and makes airline reservations for the next available flight. (I’m sure Forks has hourly flights to Volturi-land…if you don't mind a layover in Pittsburg.) As Bella packs, the suddenly second-fiddle Jacob says he will watch over Charlie to make sure Victoria doesn't eat him. At least Jacob is sticking with this book's plot. Alice reminds Bella to bring a passport because Alice doesn't have time to forge one. (Another vampire power?) Bella grabs a few clothes and her toothbrush and heads out the door to find Jacob and Alice standing far apart in the yard, staring each other down like in an old Western. Jake says Alice is foolish for taking Bella to these "leeches." Alice calls Jacob a dog. They bicker about where Bella will be safest. Things have the potential to be amazing and action-packed, but of course, nothing happens. As Bella is about to leave, Jacob grabs her arm and begs her to stay. She's determined to find Edward and says she must go. He says, "Don't die," and then Bella runs to Alice's car. When she turns back, she sees part of Jacob's sneaker falling to the ground. He turned into a werewolf. (But we didn't get to see it because this chapter is horrible). Prediction: The plot continues to shift gears. The next chapter focuses on Edward's fight with the Volturi. But there is no epic battle. Instead, just as the fight is about to begin, the chapter ends. In the following chapter, the story focuses on Esme, who has just won the lottery, but lost the winning ticket in a wacky factory filled with conveyor belts and garbage chutes. Hilarity ensues. The rest of the book deals with E-rock and Marshmallow Mike's attempt to teach inner-city kids how to play ice hockey. Werewolves are never mentioned again.

Blogging New Moon: Part 19 Chapter Nineteen: Race Better Title: Are We There Yet? What the heck is on the cover of this book? I've been trying to figure it out for the past month, and was hoping one of the chapters would be about bloody, upsidedown flowers. The cover of the first book made a little bit of sense: The apple represents temptation. But this white and red flower is confusing. I guess an inverted flower represents sadness, or maybe Bella's pollen allergy will be important in the last few chapters. Or maybe the flower is covered in spaghetti sauce from the outdoor spaghetti dinner. Also, there should be a burst in the corner that reads, "Emmett Is Hardly in This Book." In other news, I'm liking the book less and less. Bella and Alice are sitting on the plane, ready to fly to Italy where the Volturi vampires live and where Edward will attempt suicide. Bella is so nervous that she's bopping up and down in her seat like a caffeinated puppy who just heard the words "Want to go for a car ride?" Once the plane takes off, Alice calls Jasper while Bella eavesdrops on the conversation. Alice tells Jasper that she's getting multiple visions of what Edward will do to upset the Volturi. He might go on a killing spree or start throwing cars around the city. That sounds pretty awesome. But since I know that Stephenie Meyer hates action, I doubt we will see such carnage. And even if she did include a fight between Edward and the Volturi, she would have Bella describe the clash in a vague, confusing manner. Like so: "One vampire did some things. And this other vampire was doing other things, including things with his arms. Edward was very fast and did fast stuff. And then more junk happened. And then, an hour later, it was over. It was so thrilling! Edward looked like two gods shoved together to make a duo-god. He's so neat! I'm going to touch his god face." Alice then tells Jasper that he can't come to Italy, nor can Emmett, because if Edward sees any of his family members, he'll go even crazier. Hold up! Jasper's magical mystery power is the ability to alter one's emotions, right? So why not bring Jasper along, throw him at Edward before Edward does something stupid, and have him make Eddie feel happy and full of giggles? Or bring Emmett along, and he can smack some sense into Ed.

But Alice tells Jasper that Bella is their only chance, and hangs up. Bella asks about the Volturi vampires, and what makes them so powerful. Alice says that the Volturi are the largest group of vampires in the world. There are five of them: Aro, Caius, Marcus, and two other women whose names are probably not Beyonce and Miley. These vampires are over 3,000 years old and some (or all?) have special powers like Alice and Edward. Aside from the five family members, there are also at least nine vampires who guard the Volturi. The guards also have super powers (of course), and I'll bet that these powers are hard to explain, but deal with emotions, mind reading, or passion. Sadly, I'll also bet that none of the powers will deal with lighting bolts that shoot out from the eyes, fire breathing, or web slinging. The Volturi and the guards rarely leave the city, and only venture out when they need to enforce vampire rules. They dictate the rules that all other vampires must obey, such as "Don't tell anyone about vampires" and "Make sure your super power doesn't make much sense to Dan Bergstein." When a vamp breaks the rules, the Volturi come after them. (Side note: Does anyone else think "Volturi" sounds like a coffee drink or a hip way of saying "Volleyball Tournament"?) These ancient vampires are so secretive that even the citizens of their own city, Volterra, don't know of their existence. But Edward plans to change all that by exposing the vampires, hoping this will make the Volturi vamps angry enough to kill him. Bella realizes that things are not looking good, and she will probably die along with Alice and Eddie. But because she's in her Eeyore mood, she thinks dying might not be that bad. This upsets Alice, who promises that even if they're too late to save Edward, she's still bringing Bella back to Forks safe and sound. Maybe I missed something, but where the hell is Dream Edward? A few chapters ago, Dream Edward didn't want Bella to ride a motorcycle or go swimming, but now he thinks it's perfectly safe for her to travel across the world and enter a den of bloodthirsty vampires? Perhaps Dream Edward is busy eating Dream Bears or playing Dream Xbox. Alice looks into the future to see what Edward is going to do. While she is concentrating, Bella prattles on to herself about danger and sacrifice. The plane lands in New York, where they will get a connecting flight to Italy. Alice wasn't able to see much of the future (surprise, surprise) and only knows that Edward will soon ask the Volturi to kill him. (I picture Edward doing this by first tugging on a Volturi's robe, like a child trying to get his mom's attention so he can ask for another cookie.) They hop on the Italy-bound plane. Alice zones out again. Bella prattles on about danger and passion again. She falls asleep and is woken up by Alice, who has had another vision. In this one, the Volturi deny Edward's suicide request, which is good (if you're rooting for Edward), because this means Eddie will need to anger the Volturi if he wants to die. So Alice and Bella still have a chance to stop him. The Volturi think Edward is cool, especially because of his mind-reading capabilities. So they will offer him a position with their guards. Since the Volturi dig Edward, they won't

want to kill him because it would be a waste of a perfectly good vampire. Who knew vampires were so stingy? They're like my uncle who saves ketchup packets. Bella then asks a very sensible question: How does Alice's power work? Unfortunately, the answer is basically this: It works because it works. Alice tries to explain it, saying that she can see vampire futures more clearly than human events, but it all boils down to the fact that her powers are silly, ambiguous, and silly. Then Bella asks why Alice's vision of Bella becoming a vampire never came true, and Alice says the vision was only one of several possibilities at the time. But now, Alice is seriously thinking of turning Bella into a vampire because everything has gotten out of hand. Bella gets excited and asks to be turned into a vampire right now, but Alice can't do it on the plane because it would take a few days for the change to occur, and she needs Bella healthy if they want to stop Ed-weird. Plus, most airlines frown upon biting fellow passengers, and those that don't charge a significant biting fee. Alice says they can talk about this later. Bella is happy with the news that she will become a vampire, because then she will be "beautiful and strong" and Edward will not be able to resist her. To all the female readers, please don't change yourself just for some guy. Bella landed the hottest guy on the planet, has a super hot werewolf yearning for her, and she still has the world's lowest self-esteem. I've said it before, but she will never be happy. Even if she won the lottery, became a vampire, won the lottery again, married Edward, got a perfect bowling score, and saved the life of a wish-granting leprechaun, she would still be miserable. Alice has another vision. After the Volturi deny Edward's request to die, he will think about hunting humans out in the open to anger the Volturi and force an attack. But he will decide against this because it would upset the human-loving Carlisle. He needs a way to irritate the ancient vampires, but at the same time, he doesn't want to kill innocent people. So Edward's brilliant plan is to walk out into the sunlight and let the citizens of Volterra see his shiny skin. This will expose the vampire secret and obviously piss off the Volturi. Or will it? If I saw a shiny guy standing in the sun, my first thought wouldn't be, "Agh! Vampires are real!" Instead I would probably think, "What's up with that guy? I think I'll have chicken salad for lunch…" This plan makes no sense at all. No one has ever heard of vampires' ability to sparkle in the sun. Most people assume sunlight kills vampires. So if anything, Edward standing out in the sun will prove to the people of Volterra that he's not a vampire at all, but just a guy with a flamboyant personality. Since Edward, (or the author) wants to do this in the grandest way imaginable, Eddie will step out into the main courtyard at exactly noon to expose the secret to as many people as possible. Hmm…I thought Eddie was in a rush to commit suicide. It makes me wonder how he'll spend the rest of the morning. Maybe he'll do some shopping, eat a breakfast bear, and then watch and (finally) return some Netflix movies.

Again, I'm confused. Edward wants to kill himself immediately. He flew directly to Italy to do just that. Now that the Volturi said they won't kill him, he needs to enrage them somehow. I understand this. But why doesn't he just start attacking the Volturi? What's he waiting for? He's such a wishy-washy, gutless, emo kid. I guarantee you that if Jacob or Emmett wanted to kill themselves, they wouldn't waste time with such theatrics. Instead, they'd get it done fast, and probably take down a few evil warlocks and bank robbers in the process. The plane finally lands in Florence, Italy, and Alice steals a car to drive to Volterra. Since this book is mean and refuses to show us anything even remotely exciting, we don't see how Alice stole the car. She simply drives up with a stolen yellow Porsche. If Stephenie Meyer had written "Titanic," the entire movie would take place in Wyoming, and the film would be nothing but two hours of people saying, "Did you hear about that boat?" Alice speeds down the road and tells Bella that today is St. Marcus Day, a festive day in Volterra that celebrates Marcus (of the Volturi). But the people think that St. Marcus drove away all the vampires and then was killed in Romania. They don't know that Marcus and St. Marcus are the same person. The truth is that Marcus never left the city, and vampires are still everywhere. This part of the story is actually interesting, but only lasts a few sentences. Bella wants to know how to stop Edward from stepping into the sunlight at exactly noon, and Alice says that if Edward simply sees Bella, he will probably end his death wish. Alice will drive as close as she can to the plaza, but then Bella will need to run the rest of the way. She warns Bella not to trip. They finally approach the city and Bella gets scared when she sees the castle. Prediction: Edward is disappointed that his sparkling skin failed to convince people that vampires are real. He then tries to prove that he's a vampire by playing baseball loudly. Everyone reacts in horror, screaming, "Vampires! They're real! And they're athletic!" The Volturi kill Edward instantly.

Blogging New Moon: Part 20 Chapter Twenty: Volterra Better Title: Dear Jacob, Italy Sucks. Wish You Were Here. I wasn't going to blog about this chapter, because honestly, not much happens. (Bella runs through a fountain and is reunited with Edward. But for all the buildup, it's not very emotional or exciting.) So instead, I was going to use this opportunity to discuss other topics, such as gingivitis, ninja socks, vampire-vampire bats (vampire bites that were bitten by vampires), and whether or not the first person to make popcorn was frightened. But I'm sure most of you would rather hear my thoughts on New Moon. With that said, let's get on with the story. Alice and Bella are stuck in traffic, trying to get into the city walls of Volterra. Thanks to the St. Marcus festival, the cars are backed up, and some people are parking along the side of the road. But time is running out. Soon the clock will strike noon and Edward will walk out into the sun and sparkle with all his might! I've been itching for some action in these books for some time. In fact, you could argue that I whine about the lack of thrills and chills just as Bella whines about the lack of Edward and touching. Now that we finally have an exciting few pages, I should be happy, right? But I'm not. First, there are no werewolves. Not even Embry. Second, without reading any spoilers at all, I know things will work out in the end. Stephenie Meyer doesn't seem like the type of author who would put her characters in real mortal danger. (Another reason why I enjoyed the later Harry Potter books was that J.K. Rowling trusted her story enough to let key players die. It made everything in those books much more exciting.) Third, I don't care that much about Edward. Jacob and the werewolves showed me that this book is at its best without vampires. As pretty as Italy is, I'd much rather be back at La Push with the wolves, the muffins, and the yet-to-be-mentioned jetpacks. This brings up a pretty big question: Why do so many young women think Edward is super great? Sure, he looks good. And he's passionate. But am I the only one who thinks

he's the most boring literary character since The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George? Judging by the book's popularity and all the fandom, I'm clearly in the minority on this. I must be missing something. If anyone could please explain why I should care about Edward, I would greatly appreciate it. Anyway, the story continues as Alice tries to drive through a blocked off access road. But a security guard stops her. She thinks Bella may have to run up the hill to the plaza, and tells Bella to look for Edward waiting in the shadows beneath the clock tower. For fun, I'm going to ask this one more time: Why doesn't Eddie hop out of the shadows right now? I don't think he wants to commit suicide. The over-dramatic doofus just wants attention. This is like the time in elementary school when I gave myself a black eye, hoping that the girls would think it was cool. Or the time I went to Italy to kill myself in the most ridiculous manner possible, after learning from an unreliable source that my ex-girlfriend committed suicide. As the security guard approaches, Alice positions the car so that her face is hidden in shadows. How convenient, don't you think? The guard explains that only tour buses are allowed past this point, but Alice uses her charming personality and vampire glamor to woo the guard. Plus, she gives him a "thousand dollar bill." At the risk of nitpicking, there is no $1,000 bill in U.S. currency or in Euros. And 1,000 Italian lira is about 75 cents in American money. So this guard is either really stupid and doesn't know much about money, or he's very poor and needs whatever funds he can scrounge up to buy half a potato for dinner. Needless to say, the guard lets Alice and Bella drive past and they follow the narrow road up to the plaza. Alice eventually gets as close to the clock tower as the road will allow, and tells Bella to make a run for it. Bella shoves and pushes her way through the people. She finally sees an opening in the crowd and darts through it and into a fountain. She sloshes through the water and hops out the other side. The clock tower begins to chime, and Bella screams Edward's name. This all so cinematic. I can almost see this part of the movie in my mind. Only in my mind, the song Yakety Sax is playing. (Listen and then tell me that song wouldn't be perfect for this scene.) Bella bumps into more people and sees the dark alley ahead, but can't see Edward through the crowd. She continues to scream his name and finally sees him in the alley, but he doesn't see her. Plot question #988: Why doesn't Edward smell Bella? I thought vampires had super smelling abilities, and Bella was the stinkiest human on the planet. Edward is about to step into the sun. He took his shirt off to add to the sparkly effect of his skin, or because he was tired of explaining why his hip T-shirt slogan, "Vegetarians Eat Bears," was funny. Bella looks at Edward and tells us, "I'd never seen anything more beautiful." (I guess she's never seen a Pixar movie or the way I parallel park.) The fact that Edward ditched

her a few months ago doesn't seem to matter any more. She runs and screams, but Edward still has his eyes (and his nose?) shut. I imagine he's probably thinking: "Well, this is it. I guess I'll never know how LOST will end, or what villain will be in the third Batman movie. I hope it's not the Riddler. That would be weak. OK, time to get this over with. In three…two…" Bella runs right into Edward as he takes a step, and it knocks the wind out of her. Eddie opens his eyes, and assumes that he's already dead because Bella is here with him, and because he's an idiot. He's shocked that he didn't feel a thing, and Bella keeps trying to tell him they're both still alive. Eddie still thinks he's dead, and is happy with how quick the transition was. He quotes Romeo and Juliet and acts delighted to be deceased. When I die and end up in the afterlife, I won't be quoting Shakespeare right away. Instead I'll spend my first few moments of eternity looking for my old dog Max. Then I will travel back to Earth and haunt my murderer until justice is served. Then I'll eat a literal mountain of pancakes while learning the truth about aliens. Then I'll play basketball with Abe Lincoln, Bruce Lee, and Kurt Cobain. And then I'll quote Shakespeare…to the dinosaurs. Eventually Edward listens to Bella and realizes that they're not dead. There is no big moment of passion or kissy-kissy time. He senses something and snaps back into his moody, protective mode. Two members of the Volturi guard, Felix and Demetri, approach Edward and Bella. ("Felix and Demetri" sounds like a horrible indie band, or an awesome pair of pet goldfish.) They want to take Edward somewhere, and mention that it's not very safe for vampires to be out in the plaza with the sun shining so bright. He agrees to go with them, and tells Bella to enjoy the festival. But the guards want her to come along. Edward says no, and things become tense. Demetri and Felix block the exit to the plaza and force Edward and Bella deeper into the alley. Alice appears behind Edward and evens the odds against Demetri and Felix. We might get a vampire fight after all. (Just kidding. Of course we won't.) The guards once again ask Edward to come with them, but he he won't go. Emmett, if you're reading this, now is your time to pop out of the shadows with your silent but lethal fire sword. Jacob, you can come too. Bring muffins. Suddenly, a spooky vampire girl named Jane shows up and stops the bickering. Though she looks like a little kid, she's one of the Volturi. And everyone, including Edward and Alice, obeys her, as if she's in charge of the universe. If all of the Volturi are weird kids, then things might become interesting. I like the idea of creepy vampire children. They're unsettling and eerie, just like ventriloquist dummies and evil sea horses. Plus, they can lurk in places adult-sized vampires can't enter, such as the cabinet beneath the sink and the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. For the record, here is the current list of my favorite types of vampires:

1. The vampires from Blade 2 that have giant mouths. 2. Emmett (w/ sword) 3. Child vampires 4. Emmett (w/o sword) 5. Count Duckula Jane leads the group to what looks like a dead end, but there's a hole in the ground that everyone drops into. They enter a series of cold underground tunnels. Edward holds onto Bella tightly and, using his free hand, rubs his thumb all over her mouth. I guess this is passionate and romantic. But it sounds a bit odd, as if Eddie is using Bella's head as a bowling ball. When not thumbing her mouth, Edward kisses Bella's forehead as the guards lead them along. She is happy that Edward "wants" her again. After he high-tailed it out of Forks, she wasn't sure if he stopped loving her. Bella wants to ask him questions. (Probably such as, "Why did you leave?", "Why do you always run away from problems?", and "Is it OK if I kiss Emmett sometimes?") But now is not the time or place. The dark tunnel stretches on, and Bella can't get her bearings in the dim light. Plus, her clothes are still wet from her romp in the fountain, so she's shivering. Edward realizes that his cold body temperature isn't helping Bella's chills, but she won't let him loosen his grip on her shoulders. Good move, Bella. You better hold on to him, because I assume his plan to get out of this mess involves running away to Canada without you. They eventually stop at a gate in the tunnel and walk through a large wooden door. We don't find out what's on the other side, but Bella relaxes when she sees it, while Edward tenses up. Prediction: On the other side of the door, they find Jacob, who has killed all of the Volturi vampires. He looks at Bella and says, "Hey Bells. Thought I'd save your life since Dead-ward was too busy poking your mouth with his thumb. You wanna go grab some spaghetti? I'll bring the lawn chairs. Ha-ha." He then looks at Edward and says, "Oh. Sorry Dead-ward. That's sort of an inside joke. You wouldn't understand." Edward tries to make fun of Jacob's ratty sneakers, but the joke comes out sounding desperate. No one laughs, and Edward runs away towards the sunlight screaming, "I'm really going to do it this time. I swear! You'll be sorry when I'm dead."

Blogging New Moon: Part 21 Chapter Twenty-One: Verdict Better Title: All That for Nothing?! The story, which has been dragging for the past few chapters, is becoming interesting again thanks to the mysterious Volturi vampires. While the actual "verdict" in this chapter is laughable, and makes the previous few chapters pointless, I'm becoming a fan of Aro and Caius, two of the three Volturi lords. But Marcus? Oh boy, I don't even know where to start with Marcus. Much more on him later. Bella, Alice, and Edward are led from the dark, scary tunnels into what appears to be the hallway of a typical office building, complete with fluorescent lights and ugly, bland carpeting. Because she's familiar with ordinary-looking office hallways, Bella relaxes a bit. But Edward does not like the look of things. In fact, "He glowered darkly down the long hallways." I wish I could glower darkly. I can only glower brightly. (That's a lie. I don't know how to glower at all. How much of my chin should I be flexing? And what do I do with my hands? Does my mouth need to be opened or closed? And can I do this while wearing shorts?) Jane, the child-like vampire, waits for them by an elevator, and everyone piles in. The Volturi guards take off their cloaks and Bella can see them clearly. Both Felix and Demetri have olive complexions and wear modern clothes beneath their scary vampcloaks. (Note: Looking for a cheap Halloween costume? Simply wear "modern clothes" and tell everyone you’re a Volturi vampire. The same costume will also work if you want to go as a mannequin or Kevin Costner.) They all leave the elevator and enter a fancy waiting room/office area that is decorated with leather couches and crystal vases. In the middle of this waiting room is a human receptionist named Gianna. Bella is surprised that a human would be working so closely with vampires, but it's nice to know that Volturi Industries is an equal opportunity employer. Jane leads them into another room, where a vampire boy named Alec greets her and is delighted to see Eddie and the gang. Alec and Jane then take everyone down another corridor and through a secret door in the wall. Behind this door is a circular room made of old stones and darkness. To add to the creepiness, there are several throne-like wooden chairs lining the curved wall of this chamber, and in the middle of the room is a drain.

Either this chamber is used for killing people, or this is where the vamps wash their cars and dogs. There are a few vampires in the chamber, talking casually. One of them speaks up and is thrilled that Jane has returned. This vampire is Aro, one of the three original Volturi vampires, and he seems to be in charge. (His name sounds like a dog trying to say, "Hello.") He is excited to see that Jane brought Alice and Bella to him, and Bella is shocked that he already knows her name. Aro is acting too friendly, as if they are all one big happy family and he's the wacky uncle. His scary, over-the-top good spirits make him seem like The Joker, and I like him already. Like Edward, Aro can read minds. But to do so, he must physically touch the person. When he touches someone, he not only sees the person's current thoughts, but every thought that person has ever had. Can Aro also see thoughts that a person forgot? If so, I would high-five him right this minute, and then ask him where I put my earbuds. Marcus and Caius enter the chamber, and Aro announces to them that Bella is not dead. But these two don’t seem to care as much as the flamboyant Aro. Caius glides to his thrown. Marcus touches Aro to give him a secret, silent mind-message. Edward explains to Alice and Bella that Marcus just told Aro how strong the feelings are between Eddie and Belly. Marcus's super power, it would seem, is the ability to see relationships. Let me repeat that. Marcus's super power is the ability to see relationships. And, one more time, just so we're all on the same page: Marcus' super power is the ability to see relationships. On what planet, in what galaxy, in what universe, would this power come in handy? SCREAMING WOMAN: Help, my house is on fire and my baby is trapped upstairs! MARCUS: Not to worry, ma'am. I understand that you love your baby very much. SCREAMING WOMAN: And… MARCUS: Um…that's about all I can do here. Oh, and you think the mailman is cute in a dorky sort of way. Good luck with that fire. Identifying relationships is not a super power. It's just being observant. Maybe Caius's power will be the ability to tell if it's raining. And Alec can sense if a dog is happy. Aro is surprised that Edward can not only stand so close to someone as delicious as Bella, but actually fall in love with her. Edward says it takes some effort, but it's worth it. Edward and Aro talk about Carlisle for a bit. I try to pay attention, but I'm still giggling at Marcus. Seriously, someone please tell me that Marcus has more than just this goofy relationshipidentifying power? Tell me he also has heat vision, or he can talk to penguins, or he's really good at geography. Anything! I guess Marcus could make millions on daytime talk

shows, during segments called, "Does My Man Love Me?" I thought Rosalie's ability to be stubborn was a lame power, but Marcus makes Rosalie look like Superman. Finally, Aro asks if he can touch Bella to see all of her thoughts. She doesn't have much of a choice, and she offers her hand to Aro. He takes her hand...Sorry. Sorry. I can't let this Marcus thing go just yet. What does Marcus see when he "looks" at a relationship? Does he see the two people kissing in his mind? Does he see words such as, "They like each other, but they don't liiiike each other"? OK. OK. I'll try to stay focused. Aro first smiles at Bella, but then looks confused. He was unable to see her mind, and wonders if she is immune to other vampire powers. He summons Jane, and Edward growls. One more Marcus question: Can Marcus see how much I love kettle corn? Does that count as a relationship? Aro wants to see if Bella is immune to Jane's power. Alice and Edward are having a fit, which means Jane's power might be dangerous and awesome. Edward leaps at Jane, but before he can get to her, she shoots him a look and he falls to the ground, doubled over in pain. The creepy child-vampire Jane simply grins. Her vampire power involves causing severe pain with her mind. Finally! We have a decent vampire power. As Bella screams, Aro tells Jane to stop attacking Edward with her mind. She stops and Edward lies still on the ground. I wonder what Jane's power actually does. Perhaps it squeezes your liver like a tube of toothpaste, or it makes you feel as though you've been electrocuted. Or maybe you just hear pop country music in your head. Jane then turns her attention to Bella, who braces herself for the mind-pain. But it never comes. It seems as though Bella is immune to all vampire powers. Plot question #1,192: How can Bella be immune to vamp powers if Jasper used his power to make her feel happy way back in book one? And how would Marcus (giggle) be able to see her relationship status if she was impervious to vamp abilities? Aro is happy with the result and "chortles." (Between "chortles" and "glowered," this chapter wins the award for best verbs.) But Aro isn't sure what to do now. He asks Edward and Alice to join him and become Volturi guards, but they both say no. He then asks Bella to join them, which shocks her. Caius (who is the most level-headed vampire of the group) finally speaks up. He doesn't know where Aro is going with this. But Aro says Bella's immunity to vampire power has a lot of potential, especially if she were transformed into a vampire. He thinks she could be even more talented than the evil Jane. Bella could also be better than Marcus, though she wouldn't need to become a vampire to do so. Simply give her the serrated edge of an aluminum foil box, and Bella would instantly be more powerful than Marky. Bella declines the invite, and Aro sighs. Edward assumes that this means all three of them will die. But Aro says no one is going to be killed. He thinks killing Edward and Alice would be wasteful, even if Caius disagrees.

The frustrated Caius says Bella knows too much, so she must die. Aro makes an excellent suggestion: everyone can go free if Bella becomes a vampire. That's more than fair, no? But this trial becomes silly, because Aro isn't forcing Edward to turn Bella into a vampire right now. Eddie simply must promise that he will eventually transform her into a vamp. Remind me that when I visit Volterra, I should commit lots of crimes, because the judicial system there is as lenient as the truancy policy at Forks High School. Edward thinks it over…for a bit too long if you ask me. What the heck, Edward? Why don't you just lie and say you'll do it? Would you honestly rather have Bella eaten instead of making an empty promise? What a jerk. Emmett? Jacob? If you're reading this, please come back to the story. Alice steps in and lets Aro touch her hand. She wants to show him that she was already considering transforming Bella into a vampire. And Aro sees that Alice even had a vision of the future in which Bella is a vamp. Aro is pleased with Alice's thoughts, even if Caius thinks it would be foolish to let Bella live. Aro tries to convince Caius that they should let everyone go. Even if the Cullens refuse to join the Volturi today, they might change their minds in the future, and Aro thinks Alice, Edward, and potential-vampire Bella are too powerful to waste. So Alice has promised to turn Bella into a vampire at some later date and time. And with that, Eddie, Alice, and Bella can all go free. Were the last three chapters completely pointless? Aro wouldn't have killed Edward even if Eddie broke the one and only vampire rule: Don't reveal to anyone that vampires exist. So if Edward went through with his plan to sparkle mightily in the plaza, his only punishment would have been a job offer. Does anyone else feel ripped off? Before heading out, Caius says they will be visiting the Cullens to make sure they keep their promise. (And maybe Marcus will tag along to tell us if E-Rock and his girlfriend have gotten to second base.) Edward says they need to leave quickly because Heidi, another vampire, is coming back soon and bringing some victims for everyone to feast upon. Aro throws Edward a cloak, since all this time Edward was shirtless. (Who does he think he is? Jacob?) They follow Demetri out of the death/dinner chamber. As they exit, a group of confused humans (probably tourists) walk past them. They're obviously going to be the next meal for the Volturi, and Edward doesn't want Bella to be near any part of this feast. They run into Heidi, the Volturi vamp who has rounded up the "food" and is herding them into the chamber. Edward tries to hurry Bella along, but isn't fast enough. She can hear the screaming begin. Prediction: Before leaving Volterra, Bella steals Aro's iPod. But she is caught. Her punishment is that, at some point in the future, she must apologize. Edward doesn't like the sound of this deal. He thinks about it for 45 minutes before deciding they should refuse the offer and die for their crimes.

Blogging New Moon: Part 22 Chapter Twenty-Two: Flight Better Title: It's Emmett! Emmett's Back! Hi Emmett! That's it? Is the story over? There are only two more chapters and an epilogue left, so I'm assuming the race to save Edward was the climax of the book. And to say that I'm a little disappointed would be like saying soccer is a little tiring. I know this book is light on action, but even the last book ended with a fight —a fight we didn't get to witness, but a fight nonetheless. If this story were a rollercoaster ride, then the werewolf scene was the big drop, and everything since then has been like the end of the ride, when you're still strapped into the car, waiting to enter the docking station so you can leave. And this chapter is like the lap bar digging into your bladder. Why? Because Edward, Alice, and the rest of the Cullens prove to be horrible, horrible people. After hearing people being killed in the death chamber, Edward, Alice, and Bella are lead back to the office area. Demetri warns the trio to stay put until sundown. Edward notices that Bella is acting strange. The poor girl just listened to people being eaten alive, so she's shaking and going into hysterics. Bella hears a ripping sound, and at first I'm excited, hoping that she will transform into a mighty werewolf. But the ripping sound is only her sobs. (I've never cried before, because I'm incredibly tough. But I don't think crying sounds like ripping. I'll just assume Bella is also gassy.) Edward sits Bella down and tries to help her relax. Alice offers to slap some sense into Bella, and with that, Alice is crawling up my list of favorite characters once again. Bella is annoyed at herself for crying because the tears are blurring her vision, and she wants to be able to stare at Edward as clearly as possible. Though she's happy to be with Edward, she can't let go of the thought of those people being killed by the Volturi vampires. Edward wishes she didn't witness the horror. Notice that he doesn't wish the horror wasn't occurring, just that he's sorry Bella had to hear it. Are you beginning to see why I'm so angry with these people? Bella's mind tries to handle the situation, but she'd much rather be staring at Edward. Even with all the death that is going on a few feet from where they are sitting, she is happy to be in his lap. Yeah, now you're starting to see why I'm peeved.

Edward says that it's OK for Bella to feel happy. After all, they didn't die. Meanwhile, innocent people are being killed as he says these reassuring words. I know that Edward and Alice are no match for the Volturi. But what kind of a hero would stand by and let these vampires feast upon poor, innocent tourists? I guarantee you that if Jacob were here, he'd wolf-out and kill as many Volturi as he could…and then jetpack away to safety before returning to finish the job. I like the Volturi as villains. (Yes, even the silly Marcus.) But the fact that Edward doesn't give a crap about the evil things they're doing is astonishing. This is like Superman flying with Lois Lane over an earthquake and instead of helping people out, deciding it's best to not get involved and spending the time touching Lois instead. A lot of people are dying in the very next room, while Bella and Edward are touching faces. I can't believe Edward stands by and lets this happen. Worse than that, I can't believe that the Cullens have let this happen for a century or longer. And don't tell me that these Volturi vampires cannot be killed, because that's a lame excuse. Emmett could kill a bunch of them. And even if you couldn't kill them, you could at least warn everyone about them. Put up some flyers. Make a safety video. Anything would be better than doing nothing. The Volturi victims are probably nice people who had families and friends. Should we forget about them simply because we never got to know them? Eddie and Belly are just happy to be in each others' arms, the selfish dips that they are. Even if Edward doesn't want to stop the killing because he's loyal to his race (which isn't much of a justification, if you ask me), then Bella sure as hell better report these Volturi vampires to the CIA, or the X-Files, or at the very least her local member of Congress. The Volturi vamps no doubt run the Italian government. But if Bella remains silent, then she is a despicable human being. Alice takes a peek at the future, and says things are looking good for tomorrow; in twenty-four hours, she will reunite with Jasper. Meanwhile, I bet one of the victims in the death chamber had a wife and kids who will never get to see their father again. But that's OK, because Alice will get to see Jasper in twenty-four hours. Neat! Edward and Bella stare at each other for a bit. Bella wants to know what will happen now. Will Edward leave again? Does this rescue mission change things? But she doesn't want to hear the answers. So they continue to make sexy, passionate faces at one another. Meanwhile in the death chamber, I bet a young newlywed couple is being killed. But that's fine, because Edward is so sexy-looking and kisses Bella's hair so delicately that we shouldn't think about those people. With Bella in La-La Land thinking of Edward's perfect face, Eddie and Alice are trying to figure out the logistics of leaving Volterra. During this conversation, Alice asks what "La tua cantante" referred to. To be honest, I don't remember that phrase from the previous chapter, but I assume one of the Volturi used it while I was busy thinking of Marcus and giggling. In all seriousness, Marcus: Does Amy Adams think I'm cool? Would wearing a darker jean make Amy Adams like me more? How about a hat? Also, does my Dad like my brother more than me?

Edward says that phrase has something to do with singers. "Singers" is a goofy vampire term for a human whose blood calls out (or sings) to a vampire, just as Bella's blood calls to Edward. How romantic! Meanwhile the Volturi may have also killed a young college student who begged his parents to let him go to Italy for a semester. Now that college student is in the process of becoming vampire pee, and he will never get to know what it feels like to be old. But hey, at least Bella and Edward are soulmates, right? That's nifty! I miss Jacob. In the beginning of the chapter, Bella was freaked out after hearing people die. And I appreciated her humanity. But after spending some time in Eddie's lap, she doesn't seem to care as much about the innocent people that were just murdered. Maybe Jessica was right about Bella all along. After all the excitement, Bella is getting sleepy. (Being apathetic towards innocent people dying will certainly tucker you out.) But she fights to stay awake because she doesn’t want to miss a moment with Edward. As Alice and Eddie talk, he occasionally leans down to kiss Bella's forehead and hair. You know who won't get any more forehead kisses from a loved one? The child whose parents were probably just massacred by the Volturi vampires. This poor kid will now be passed around from foster home to foster home and grow up to be an alcoholic who will never have closure on his parents' death. But you go ahead and enjoy your forehead smooches, Bella. You deserve them after all you went through. Alec, the vampire kid, comes into the room, looking as though he's been well fed. He tells Eddie and the gang that are free to go, but they should leave Volterra as soon as possible. They leave the office/castle and walk back out into the plaza. Alice runs off to steal another car and grab the luggage that she hid. You know who will never be able to steal another car and grab hidden luggage again? The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a nice old lady who fed stray cats and enjoyed crossword puzzles. They all pile in the new car and head to the airport. On the ride, Edward tells Bella she should get some sleep. But Bella refuses, because she can't miss a second of Eddie-time. Right about now, I bet the girlfriend of one of the Volturi victims is probably wondering why her boyfriend isn't answering his cell phone. Maybe Edward will be nice enough to explain to her what happened. EDWARD: Hey, your boyfriend was eaten up by vampires. GIRL: What! EDWARD: Yeah. These vampires kill lots of people all the time. They've been doing it for centuries. Weird, right? GIRL: Did you try to stop them? EDWARD: Nope. It would be too hard. Besides, I was busy smooching. GIRL: But you could at least alert the authorities! EDWARD: Huh? That's stupid. You smell stupid. I'm outtie. Peace y'all!

On the plane, Bella asks the flight attendant for a soda to keep awake. But Edward doesn't want her to have soda because it will keep her awake and he's really mean. So he acts like a strict parent by simply saying her name in a condescending manner. What the hell, dude! It's soda. She's not snorting heroin. The girl just witnessed the murder of dozen or so people. If she wants a damn soda-pop, she can have a damn soda-pop. Ugh. I'm so mad right now I don't even want to make a joke here. (Oh, who am I kidding? I can't resist it.) Q: Why did the heroic vampire cross the road? A: To ignore the genocide that was happening on the other side. Bella says she needs the soda to keep her awake because if she goes to sleep, she will have nightmares. Aww. Poor Bella. You know who will never have nightmares again? The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a kindly old man who saved up his entire life to pay for a trip to Italy, only to be eaten by vampires in the room next to were Edward and Bella stared at each other affectionately. On the plane, Bella thinks about asking Edward all of her burning questions, but she doesn’t want to ruin this time together. So they sit in silence, and touch each other's faces quite a bit. This is so weird. If ever saw two people on a plane touching faces for the entire trans-Atlantic flight, I would suspect they were on drugs. Bella stays awake for the entire trip back to Seattle. At the airport, Jasper, Carlisle, and Esme are waiting. It's a warm homecoming with lots of hugs. Carlisle thanks Bella and then says, "We owe you." For what? What exactly did Bella do? Aro was never going to kill Edward. Bella's involvement did nothing except make the Cullens fork over more money for airfare. Some might argue that she put a stop to Edward's death wish. But if she hadn't shown up at Volterra, Edward eventually would have learned that this whole situation was a stupid misunderstanding. And then he could have gone back to eating donkeys in Mexico, or wherever the heck he was chilling out. By the way, do you know who will never get the chance to go to Mexico and eat donkeys? The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a schoolteacher who wanted nothing more in life than to help others and visit Italy one day. And she probably handed out whole candy bars on Halloween. Outside the airport, Emmett and Rosalie are waiting by the car. Emmett! Yay! Granted, I was hoping Emmett would do more in this book than just install stereos and lean against cars. But a mundane Emmett is better than no Emmett. Edward is angry with Rosalie because he thinks she started this whole "Bella's dead" problem by telling Eddie about Alice's vision. But isn’t this really all Alice's fault? Or maybe it's Edward's fault for jumping to conclusions? Do you know who can never jump to conclusions again? The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a doctor who spent her life curing the sick, contributing to charities, and making the world a better place.

Esme says that Edward and Bella should ride with Emmett and Rosalie, to give Rosie a chance to apologize. Edward glowers again. (I’m still trying to glower, but I keep biting my cheek. I must be doing something wrong.) They pile into the car, and Rosalie tries to apologize, but Edward is still mad. She then turns and talks to Bella for the first time in this entire series. She says how sorry she is for everything. Bella is so exhausted that she doesn't even care, just like she doesn't care about the Volturi victim who was probably going to propose to his girlfriend in Italy and together they would one day adopt several unwanted dogs from the pound. Bella falls asleep. She wakes up when she hears Charlie's voice. Edward drove Bella home and is carrying her to her house. But Charlie is not a happy man. He hates Edward and what he put his daughter through last year. So the sight of Eddie carrying his only child does not go over well. He wants to take the groggy Bella from Edward, but Bella tries to yell at her dad. She wants her dad to be angry with her, not at Edward. Edward says that once he gets her upstairs to her room, he will leave. Bella doesn't like the sound of that, and screams, "No." She wants Edward to stay forever and ever. But Edward whispers, "I won't be far." He then carries her into the house. Prediction: Edward and Bella watch an entire children's hospital filled with patients burn to the ground as they lovingly stroke each other's faces. Bella then turns her head to look at the burning horror. She gets a tummy ache, and Edward says, "Don't worry about those people who are burning alive. Would you like to see me take my shirt off slowly?" Bella nods her head enthusiastically.

Blogging New Moon: Part 23 Chapter TwentyThree: The Truth Better Title: The Glower Hour Can someone explain this chapter to me? I understand what happens in the story, but the conversations between Bella and Edward are written in a code that I'm not able to crack. (So far, I've established it's not written in English or semaphore. And holding the book up to a mirror revealed nothing.) Perhaps the author just plucked random bits of dialogue from soap operas and made-for-TV movies, mixed them all up, and threw them into this chapter randomly. For the first three pages of the chapter, Bella thinks everything that happened in Italy was a dream. Even when Edward (who watched her sleep all night) speaks to her, she thinks she's dreaming. Once she rubs her eyes and gets a good look at him, she assumes she died after jumping from the cliff. Why else would he be with her? She tries to determine if she's in heaven or hell. Edward says, "I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell." Oh gee, I don't know. What could possible send Bella to Hades for all eternity? Maybe she once said a swear word. Or maybe she didn't eat her veggies. Or maybe it's the fact that she ignores the thousands of innocent people who are dying in Italy right now at the hands of the Volturi vampires! Sorry. Sorry. I assumed all my anger had been left on the pages of the last blog, but I was wrong. I'll try to keep it together. Edward explains that their trip to Italy was real, and tells Bella that she's been asleep for nearly fourteen hours. Charlie told Edward never to come back into his house, so Edward is breaking the rules by sneaking in to watch Bella sleep. Bella flips out. She's angry at her dad for banning Edward from his house. I'm siding with Charlie. Why would Bella assume Charlie would just let Edward come back? Did she honestly expect the conversation to happen like this: EDWARD: Hey Charlie. Mind if I come in? CHARLIE: Not at all, silly goose. Come right in. Go upstairs and watch Bella sleep. Just try not to ruin her life again. OK? EDWARD: I make no promises. CHARLIE: Well, that's good enough for me. Can I call you "son"?

Edward offers Bella an apology. He didn't know that Victoria was going to strike again, and he feels awful for leaving Bella unprotected. He especially feels bad for making her turn to the werewolves for support. He describes them as "immature, volatile, and the worst things out there besides Victoria." Whoa! Back the truck up. First, werewolves rule. Second, does Edward honestly think werewolves are evil? The same werewolves who don't kill innocent people? The same werewolves who saved Bella's life while he was being a doofus? The same werewolves who have more humanity and compassion in their tails than Edward and all the Cullens have put together? The same werewolves who aren't afraid to fight, and, in fact, go looking for a evil instead of running away from it? The same werewolves who have unmentioned jetpacks? Are those the werewolves that Eddie thinks are so horrible? I wonder who else is on his "worst things" list? A few guesses: 1. Victoria 2. Werewolves 3. Kittens 4. Tom Hanks 5. Firefighters 6. Joyfulness Third, Edward ran away to kill himself after learning from an unreliable source that Bella was dead. I'd consider that action to be both immature and volatile, wouldn't you? People in immature glass houses shouldn't throw volatile stones, Eddie. Fourth, werewolves rule. As Edward continues to apologize, Bella tries to make him stop. She doesn't want him to feel guilty about putting her in danger. She tells him that none of this was his fault (but it was). She assumes that he wanted to commit suicide out of guilt for leaving her unprotected. But he says that's not true. He wanted to die because he does not want to live in a world without a Bella. (I feel the same way about Twizzlers, so I know where he's coming from…for once.) He admits that he was stupid for not checking out the information about Bella's death before jaunting off to Italy. He even acknowledges that the series of events that lead to his suicide attempt were pretty coincidental. I half-expected him to add, "See Bella, the only reason I left you and then tried to kill myself was because Stephenie Meyer made me. She also makes me murmur, mutter, and glower all the time." At this point in the chapter, the conversation becomes muddled and confusing. There's talk about remembering what the other person said before, and what those things meant. Someone mentions a forest. They talk about lies. I think someone murmurs and mutters at the same time. There may have also been some glowering.

From what I gather, Edward loves Bella. Bella loves Edward. After Jasper attacked Bella, Edward had to leave…for some reason. (I'm still not clear on that part). When they broke up in the forest, Eddie lied to Bella by saying he didn't want her anymore. In fact, he wanted her very much. But he couldn't tell her that because he wanted her to be able to move on. So he acted like a jerk-bomb. And his plan eventually worked because after a few months, she was finally moving on thanks to the ridiculously awesome Jacob. Did I get all of that correct? I could go back and reread this part of the book, but I don't want to. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I can reward myself with Twizzlers. (I tie them into knots before eating them, because they taste better that way…despite what the producers of Mythbusters keep telling me in curtly worded email responses.) When Edward explains that he will always want Bella, she stares at him, mystified. He then shakes her shoulders, which is rather odd and somewhat abusive. She says this all must be a dream because why would he want to be with her at all? He says she is an idiot. I agree. Also, didn't this exact same conversation occur about seven times in the last book? (I know this because there are seven dents in my wall from when I threw the first book across the room.) There's more talk about having hurt feelings and being able to move on. Ed asks Bella if she still loves him, and she answers,"Duh!" (I'm paraphrasing). To convince Bella that this is no dream, he goes in for a passionate kiss. It's so passionate that it takes up two lengthy paragraphs of naughty description. During these two paragraphs I begin to think about those tanning mirrors people hold under their chins in movies and on TV. I've never seen one of those in real life. Have you? Can you buy them? Maybe "neck and chin tanning mirrors" are another fabrication of Hollywood, just like Light Sabers and Blair Witches. What do you call those mirrors, anyway? When the kiss is over, Edward reassures Bella that he's not going away. He tries to rationalize why he left in the first place, mentioning that he wanted her to have a shot at living a normal life. But now he doesn't want to leave because…of some reason. (Not sure what that reason is. Probably has something to do with passion and souls.) He tries to explain how much Bella means to him by comparing her to a comet in the moonless sky that is his life. Wow. This chapter just keeps on going, huh? There is a lot more talk about hearts, love, and hollow, empty lives. Can I be done now? No? Well can I blog about something else for the next few paragraphs? I could blog about the commercial that's on right now. It's about a fiber cereal, and that guy who's in other commercials is in this commercial. You know that guy, right? He's like, a middle-aged dude. He's in all kind of ads. I think he was on The Wire. Anyway, he's talking about fiber. No wait! I'm thinking of some other guy from The Wire. Never mind.

The Wire is a good show. Can I blog about that instead? See, it's not until you watch all five seasons of The Wire that you truly appreciate the Dickensian nature of the story. It's genuinely epic. Or I could blog about corn and acorns, and how the two words are similar, yet one is a vegetable and the other is an inedible nut. That's funny, right? No? Crap. On with the story… Edward explains that while he was away, he was trying to track Victoria, because he felt obligated to kill her after what James did to Bella. But Edward is a horrible tracker, and went looking for her in Brazil, when in fact Victoria was back in Forks. How did this happen? Why did he go to Brazil? EDWARD: Now, if I were Victoria, where would I go to seek revenge? Would I go back to Forks to kill the only woman I ever loved? No. That's silly. Would I go to Florida to kidnap Bella's mother? Ha! That's laughable because it's too easy. Hmm. Wait! I've got it! Brazil! Pack my Glower Goggles, 'cause I'm heading to South America, baby! By the way, Emmett killed James, right? So why is Victoria going after Bella and not Emmett? This is like if your boyfriend breaks your heart, and you seek revenge by attacking your boyfriend's brother's clumsy girlfriend. It seems misguided. Edward thinks it should be easy to find and kill Vickie now that he knows she's hanging around Forks. Bella hates the idea of him trying to kill Victoria (she still assumes Victoria is the Voldemort of vampires, I guess). Plus, she says she has more important matters than Victoria to deal with. Bella is worried about the Volturi coming to Forks to check if Edward and Alice made good on their promise to turn her into a vampire. But Edward says that since vampires are immortal, they don't perceive time the same way humans do, and it may be a while before they come to Forks. Bella might be thirty years old by the time Aro and the gang decide to check on things. This sets Bella off. She hated turning eighteen, and the mention of thirty makes her sick, because it suggests Edward has no intention of turning her into a vampire. She argues with him, but he says he wants her to live a human life. Then there is more talk about souls, but nothing beats my favorite line from earlier in the book, "This is about my soul, isn't it?" (P.S. If that line is in the movie, I want it as my ringtone. Not joking.) She reminds Edward that she will die some day, in the hopes that this will convince him to transform her into a vampire. He says that when she dies, he will follow right behind her. (Don't believe him, Bella. It a trap! Just like the time my brother told me that if I ate a live caterpillar, he would do it to. But he never did! He just pointed and laughed, and that's exactly what Edward will do too.) She then argues that the Volturi will come back and see that she is still human. Edward says with a grin, "I have a few plans." At the risk of spoiling the next books, I believe I already know what Edward's plans are:

Step One: Put Bella's hair down. Step Two: Run away and let Emmett and Jacob handle it. Step Three: Continue to search for Victoria in outer space, which is the most logical place she'd be. Step Four: Move to Detroit, change his name, and begin a new life as private investigator Leroy Munny. Bella assumes that whatever plans Edward is concocting, they all involve her remaining human, and this makes her mad. Then, not only does Edward glower, but Bella glowers too. It's a glower party! Good thing I've been practicing. (The trick is to not worry so much about your nostrils. Let the lips do all of the work!) Bella gets up and puts her shoes on. She tells Eddie that she's going to the Cullens' house to take a vote on whether or not she should be turned into a vampire. Edward, realizing there's little he can do to stop her, offers to give her a ride. And I honestly cannot believe a book that had the potential to be very cool is ending in such a disappointing manner. Prediction: Bella makes her case to the Cullens, arguing that she should be turned into a vampire. Then, on little slips of paper, they vote by anonymously answering the question, "Should Bella be made into a vampire?" Three people wrote "Yes." Three people wrote, "No." And one person writes, "Whatever. Let's go head butt some tigers."

Blogging New Moon: Part 24 Chapter Twenty-Four: Vote Better Title: Some Junk Happens and Edward Says Things. Bella Says Things Too. Would you like to know a secret? Edward and Bella are in love! Shocking, right? Who would have thought that these two would ever… Wait a moment. That's not secret at all! We knew that from the first book. So why does this chapter treat the news about their love as if it's some huge revelation? Next, Bella will stun the world with reports that Charlie enjoys fishing. Bella and Edward are on their way to the Cullen house, where they will take a vote to see if Bella should become a vampire. (Isn't there a reality show on VHI with this same premise?) Bella rides on Edward's back. As they get closer to the house, he slows down to a walking pace, and I wonder why she's still riding him if he's just walking. Her laziness knows no bounds, and soon she will ask him to push her around in one of those off-road baby strollers, the kind with the chunky bike wheels. As Edward walks, Bella says that she's not good enough for him. He says that's a lie. OK. I think I understand why this same topic of conversation is used again and again throughout the series. Stephenie Meyer forgot that she already wrote this part, and her editor was too shy to mention that Meyer was repeating herself. (This would also explain the overuse of the words "glower," "murmur," and "muttered.") It's like when your grandma sends your birthday card to your brother, and no one wants to bring it up because it's just too sad and awkward. That being the case, I'm so sorry that I made fun of you, Ms. Meyer. Go ahead and rewrite this same bit of dialogue as many times as you'd like, poor thing. I'll make you some tea. Bella asks if Eddie will return the stuff he stole from her when he wanted to erase all evidence of his existence. He says the items he took, such as the photos and the CD, are hidden in the floorboards of her house. He explains why he left them someplace where she would eventually find them, but I don't remember the reason. Let's just say he did it because of global warming. Cool?

Bella admits that she heard Edward's voice while he was away in Brazil. She tells him that his voice would manifest itself whenever she put her life in danger. He doesn't understand how that could happen, and she offers up a brilliant explanation: She heard the voices because Edward loves her. Huh? What? I was willing to believe that Dream Edward was caused by magic or vampire mysticism. But if the reason behind the voices was simply that Edward loves Bella, then I'm glad this silly book is ending. Maybe Stephenie Meyer will blame all of the mysteries and problems in the book on love. Why are Alice's powers so finicky? Because Edward loves Bella. Why is Bella immune to some vampire powers, but not others? Because Edward loves Bella. How can vampires go to airports and travel on airplanes without sparkling in the sunlight? Because Edward loves Bella. Why does this book feel as though it should have ended fifty pages ago? Because Edward loves Bella. Where the hell is Jacob right now? Because Edward loves Bella. This new declaration of love leads to kissing. Eddie and Bella then walk into the house and all of the Cullens meet in the dining room as she begins to make her case. Her main argument is that if the Cullens refuse to transform her into a vampire, she will go to Italy and turn herself over to the Volturi, because she doesn't want them coming to Forks and causing problems for the Cullens. That's very thoughtful of her. After all, you wouldn't want the Volturi vampires to hurt someone that you know. (Unlike the poor Volturi victims you didn't know, one of whom probably made homemade applesauce with her Grammy on Thanksgiv…sorry. Moving on.) Edward interrupts and says that the Volturi are no threat to them because (cue the heroic trumpets) he knows something they don't. The Volturi vampire named Demetri has a super powered ability to find people. Demetri would be able to track Bella, and this was why the Volturi let the Cullens go so easily. But Aro and Demetri forgot that Bella is immune to (some) vampire powers. So Demetri's tracking ability won't help him find Bella. This leads to Edward's brilliant plan (cue louder, more heroic trumpets): Trust Alice. When Alice gets a vision that the Volturi are coming to Forks, Edward will hide Bella. Once Bella is hidden, he will take care of the Volturi if they come after him. Yep. It's another brilliant Cullen plan. Let's break this down, shall we?

First, why would you ever put Bella's safety in the hands of an unreliable fortuneteller? I'd sooner believe in my grandpa's bum knee telling me if we're going to have a cold winter than trust Alice's visions. Second, though I don't really understand Alice's powers, I know that to see the future, especially if it involves someone she's not close with, requires a lot of concentration. Does Edward expect Alice to live the rest of her life in a constant state of meditation, waiting for the Volturi to come to Forks? What if they decide to come while Alice is trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle or when she's watching a complicated movie like The Departed? Third, Edward is going to hide Bella? How? Where? I assume that these powerful Volturi vampires will not simply go away after they check Bella's house. ARO: Hey, is Bella home? CHARLIE: No. ARO: Very well. [To the other Volturi] Let's go back to Italy. Our work here is done. MARCUS: Wait! I'm…sensing…something. Brad Pitt still has feelings for Jennifer Aniston! ARO: [sigh] I'm not sitting with you on the flight back. If Demetri can't find Bella with his mind, why wouldn't the Volturi find her in another, more conventional way, such as by kidnapping her mom, or simply asking around town? And finally, if Edward is willing to take on all of the Volturi single-handedly, then why didn't he do it a few days ago? Why doesn't he do it right now? What is he waiting for? Jasper and Emmett like the idea of fighting the Volturi, because they are fantastic. (Jasper is now higher than Alice on my list of favorite characters.) But the others are not so impressed with Edward's plan. With both sides of the argument on the table, the vote is taken. Alice and Jasper think Bella should become a vampire. Edward and Rosalie say no. Esme says yes. Emmett says, "Hell, yes!" (I'm not paraphrasing.) When Bella turns to Carlisle to get his vote, he looks to Edward and says that turning Bella into a vampire makes sense. Edward storms out and breaks something in the other room, which is a not a smart move considering that the last time Bella was at the Cullen house, a piece of paper sliced her and ruined everything. Smashing glass objects near the clumsy Bella could lead to much more dire circumstances, such as forcing the Cullens to run away for nine months, instead of just eight. Bella looks to Alice and asks when they can begin the transformation. But Alice is having second thoughts because she's not certain that she can do this without killing Bella. Carlisle says he could do it. Edward screams and rushes back into the room. He grabs Bella's face in a rather nasty manner. He doesn't let go as Carlisle says he'd be happy to transform Bella. She tries to thank Carlisle but it's hard to talk with Edward gripping her face. Um…Emmett,

shouldn't you stop your dorky brother from abusing his girlfriend? This is not acceptable boyfriend behavior. And at the risk of beating a dead horse, Edward's reaction laughs in the face of his argument that werewolves are immature and volatile. Edward lets her go and offers a compromise, arguing that Bella doesn't need to be transformed right away. They should wait until Bella finishes school. Bella reluctantly accepts this idea, and Carlisle promises to do the deed after Bella graduates. With that settled, Edward carries Bella home. At her house, he asks her what she would want more than anything else in the word. Instead of saying something logical, such as "a million-billion dollars" or "a parrot that tells dirty jokes," Bella says her only wish is to have Edward transform her instead of asking Carlisle to do the honors. He expected that answer and says he will gladly do it himself, but only if she waits five years. She doesn't like this deal, and they negotiate for a while, but they cannot agree on the terms. He then says that he will transform her right away if she agrees to marry him. This is a no-brainer, right? It would be like peanut butter asking jelly to marry him. (And quite frankly, PB should marry J because they're living in sin. God sees what you do between the bread, guys.) But Bella doesn't want to marry Edward. Part of the reason is that she witnessed her parents' marriage come apart, and that could turn someone off the idea of matrimony. But a more likely reason is that Stephenie Meyer wants to drag this out for two more books. Bella refuses the offer. Edward asks if she would accept the proposal if he had a ring to give her, and for some weird reason, she starts to scream, "No! No rings!" I guess the girl doesn't like rings. And she's going to hate the Christmas present I made for her. (It's a tiny hula-hoop for your fingers.) The noise wakes Charlie, and Edward quickly leaps out of the window before Charlie opens Bella's door to see what's going on. Charlie and Bella then have a dramatic conversation. He's pissed off, and rightfully so. The poor guy just lost a good friend, and now his daughter is back with the creep who ruined her life. Charlie asks where she's been for the past three days, and Bella makes up some excuse about misunderstandings. She tells him Edward and the rest of the Cullens are back for good. Charlie warns Bella to stay away from them. She threatens to move out if Charlie won't let her see Eddie. She tells her dad to "Think it over." She's acting like a brat. If she were my daughter, I would boot her out of the house right then and there (I also would have named her Optimus Prime instead of Isabella). I miss Jacob. Charlie leaves and Edward returns to her room. He says that if she does move out, she could probably stay with the Cullens, if she doesn't mind living with soulless monsters.

Bella gets mad at Edward for thinking that vampires are soulless monsters. Edward "glowers" at her. (Come on, Ms. Meyer. You must know another word besides "glower." Did you buy too many boxes of "glower" and "murmur" at the Word Store and needed to use them up before they expired? This is getting ridiculous.) She thinks that deep down Edward knows he has a soul. Then they kiss. And the book ends…except for a chapter-length epilogue. Prediction: Edward tries to make another deal with Bella. He will transform her into a vampire in exchange for $30 and two minutes of French kissing. Bella haggles him down to $15 and a pat on the butt.

Blogging New Moon: Part 25 This is Dan's final post on New Moon. It went by so fast, didn't it? Epilogue: Treaty Better Title: Let's Get Ready to (not) Rumble! Yeah, Bella! That's what you get for treating Jacob like an old shoe! That's what you get for lying to your dad! Go home and cry about it to your chilly, boring boyfriend! And enjoy eating spaghetti indoors, you humorless grump! Jacob "The Thunder" Black doesn't need you anymore! Boo-ya! That is what was going through my mind during the epilogue. (Though part of the time I worried that I was coming down with a cold. Don't you hate that? You think you might be sick, but you're not ready to label yourself as officially "sick.") I'm sure some read this pseudo-chapter and came away from it thinking that Jacob is a jerk. I came away from it hoping that the next book is nothing but Jacob riding his motorcycle across the country, killing any vampires that get in his way, as he tries to find himself on the open road. The epilogue picks up a few days or weeks after the last chapter, with things returning to normal for Bella. The only problem is her grades have been suffering, probably because, as near as I can tell, she hasn't been to class since before Spring Break. Charlie is still mad, and while Edward is allowed to visit Bella, Charlie doesn't speak to him. I don't see this as much of a problem, because something tells me these two never had long, thoughtful conversations. Edward and Alice (and Jasper?) are back in school with Bella, though it's never explained how they managed to dupe the school district into letting them return. I bet it involved Alice stealing a car. That seems to solve most of the Cullens' problems. Yet one thing has changed for Bella: Jacob is giving her the cold shoulder. She wants to talk to him, but she's grounded, so driving to La Push to see him is out of the question. And he won't accept her phone calls. The good news is that she doesn't care about Jacob as long as she has Eddie-kins with her. The bad news is that I'm definitely getting a cold.

She tells us, "With Edward near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former best friend who was probably very unhappy right now, due to me." So Bells doesn't care about Jacob (or the poor Volturi victims, or Victoria). She even refers to Jacob as a "leftover, unresolved character." Still, part of her wants to talk to him. She keeps trying to call him, but he doesn't answer. And why would he? She left him high and dry to jaunt off to Italy to save the life of someone who was a jerk to her. It would be like Princess Lei leaving Han Solo so she could go off and save Jabba the Hutt, and then expecting Han Solo to make lasagna with her when she returned. Bella is getting annoyed with Jacob. She tells Edward that Jake is acting rude. She goes on and on about it, and assumes that even Billy hates her now. Edward says, "It's not you, Bella. Nobody hates you." And with that, my hand shoots up in the air, as I eagerly yelp, "Ooh! I do! Over here!" Eddie says that Jacob is keeping his distance because the Cullens are back. If Jacob came around, it would only end in violence. Edward seems pretty sure of himself, saying that he would kill Jacob in a fight. I agree, because we all know the Edward is a mighty warrior…wait. No we don't. The closest thing Edward has done to fighting in this entire series is stopping a van and playing a lullaby. My money's on Jacob. Bella says she needs to get home before Charlie freaks out about how late it is, but Edward senses more trouble than Bella realizes. No, it's not Victoria. (That would have made too much sense.) Edward senses that Charlie is mad as hell because Jacob finally stopped by the Swan house, bringing with him Bella's motorcycle. For those who don't remember, Bella hid her motorcycle from Charlie because he made it perfectly clear that motorcycles are death machines, and Bella was not allowed to ride one. So she stashed it at Jacob's house. But now Jake has returned, and is revealing everything to Charlie. Bella is mad and frustrated. She doesn't understand why Jacob would do something so mean. She jumps out of the car screaming, "Traitor!" For the record, while Bella was off in Italy, the "traitorous" Jacob was back in Forks, making sure that Victoria didn't rip out her father's throat. He has also done everything that Bella asked him to do, from teaching her how to ride a motorcycle, to helping her find the love meadow, to not eating Alice's face. I think "traitor" is too strong a word. Perhaps "Super awesome dude" would be more apropos. Edward says that Jacob isn't here to see Bella. He's here as a spokesperson for the werewolves. And this meeting has more to do with Edward than Bella. They find Jacob leaning against a tree nearby. Instead of exchanging a proper greeting, they get right into it. Bella demands to know why Jacob brought the motorcycle to her house. He brought the bike in an attempt to get her in trouble, hoping that if she was grounded, she wouldn't be able to touch faces with Edward.

Is Jacob being petty? No doubt about it. But part of me thinks Bella had it coming. You can't ditch your best friend, leaving him with a heap of responsibility, just so you can go act like an irrational brat. Besides, why would Jacob want to hang on to Bella's motorcycle? It's taking up space, and is a constant reminder that she doesn't love him. I'm not saying I would do the same thing (I'd probably just write her a passive-aggressive email with the subject line "I'm really, really happy for you. Really."), but I can see where Jake is coming from. Then it's Jacob's turn to glower. I'm not kidding. Stephenie Meyer uses the word "glower" again. And this is preceded by a "murmur." That does it. Similar to that game where you guess the number of jelly beans in a jar, I'm going to hold an informal contest. For the next book, Eclipse, predict how many times the word "glower" and "murmur" will be used (this includes all variations of the words: glowered, murmured, glowering, etc.). "Muttering" and "mutter" do no count. If you've already read the book, guess how many times you saw those words. NO COUNTING. Write your answers in the comments section below. For instance, Glower: 12, Murmur: 11,409. I'll keep a running tally as I blog Eclipse. The person who guesses closest to the actual tally for BOTH words, without going over, will win a worthless prize (probably a one-of-a-kind Dan Bergstein original drawing, or I'll write you your very own vampire/werewolf rap). Should two or more people guess the same numbers (cheaters!), those names will be placed in a hat and drawn at random. You may only guess once. Because I'm not reading ahead, we won't know the answer for a month or two. After the first Blogging Eclipse article is posted, no more guesses will be accepted. Deal? Deal. Now back to the story… The furious Bella explains that she was already grounded for going to Italy, so Jacob didn't need to be a tattletale. Before things go any further, Edward offers his gratitude to Jacob. He's thankful that the werewolves were able to protect Bella from Laurent and Victoria. He even says "I will owe you for the rest of my existence." Bella, take note. This is how you show gratitude. (I honestly don’t remember if she ever thanked the werewolves for saving her life and protecting her dad, but if she did, I doubt it was this heartfelt.) Every now and then Edward will do something like this that makes me say, "Gee. That was mighty decent of him." But then I remember how he left Bella for no reason, didn't want to fight James for some reason, and acts like a sad emo kid despite having super powers and a amazing brother, and my dislike of the character comes flooding back faster than you can say, "Team Emmett." Jacob says he's here to remind everyone about the peace treaty, specifically some key points. He then glowers again. Again! Wow. Whatever number you thought about guessing for the Glower/Murmur contest, you might want to go ahead and double it.

The treaty states that the truce ends if the Cullens bite a human being. Jacob makes sure everyone understands that the treaty says "bite" and not "kill." It's safe to assume that Jacob doesn't want the vampires to transform Bella. This infuriates Bella, who says it's none of Jake's business if the vampires bite her. He tries to control himself, and mashes his fists to his head. (Ooh! Maybe the muscle I need to flex in order to become a werewolf is in my head! Where's the Advil? I've got an idea!) Edward warns Bella to be careful, but Jacob "scowls" at Edward (which I guess is better than glowering) and says he would never hurt her. Just as things become interesting, Charlie screams Bella's name. Jacob apologies to her for bringing the motorcycle, saying that he had to try anything he could to stop her from seeing Edward. Before everyone leaves, Edward asks Jacob if the werewolves know where Victoria went. Jacob says she took off when Alice showed up and hasn't been back since. Edward says that the vampires will handle Victoria now. But Jacob says that she killed on La Push land, so the werewolves will take care of her. (Guys, you don't need to worry about her. The immortal vampire will probably die of old age before her story is resolved.) Charlie screams for Bella even louder. She asks if Jacob will keep his promise to remain friends with her. He says they can't be friends given the current circumstances. She wants to hug him, but Edward won't let her. What a jerk. Is he worried that Jacob will pour cola into her mouth? Charlie keeps screaming. Bella and Edward walk towards his voice, leaving Jacob by himself. He is the solitary warrior. He is the man left behind. He is the wild beast whose broken heart no kiss can heal. He is…Mr. Black. [CUE THUNDER CRASH] See, that's how the book should end. Instead, Bella prattles on about all the horrible things facing her: Victoria. The Volturi. And the fact that if she becomes a vampire, the werewolves will eat her. But as long as Edward is at her side, she can face anything. The End. Final Thoughts: New Moon is 200 pages of an interesting story sandwiched between 100 pages of boring set-up and 100 pages of ridiculous, silly events. Is it better than the first book? That's hard to say. While the high points in New Moon (Bella and Jacob's relationship, the werewolves, etc.) are much better than anything that happens in Twilight, the low points in this book ("This is about my soul, isn't it?" and everything that happened after Alice returned) are much worse than even the silliest Twilight sections. So in the end, it evens out. New Moon is just as good/bad as Twilight. Prediction for Eclipse: The love between Bella and Edward will continue to grow, and she will promise to stay true to him while she's away at college. But she'll meet new friends at college, and one night, she will make the following drunken phone call to Edward.

BELLA: Ha-ha-ha! EDWARD: Hello? BELLA: What? EDWARD: Bella? Is that you? BELLA: [TO SOMEONE ELSE] Shh. Guys! I’m on the phone! [TO EDWARD] Did I call you? EDWARD: Are you OK? BELLA: Hey! Have you heard of The Flaming Lips? They are, like…ohmygod! You have to listen to them! Where are my shoes? EDWARD: I really don't have time for this. BELLA: And then this other guy [inaudible] all over the floor! And we all ran! EDWARD: That's great Bella. But listen, Emmett just brought over a bear and we're about to sit down to… BELLA: [CRYING] EDWARD: What's wrong? BELLA: I think I kissed Jason last night. But it didn't mean anything. You know that, right? He's just a friend. My roommate is a total beyotch. That's why I sleep at Jason's now. That's OK, right? We only kiss because it's funny. EDWARD: I don't like you when you're like this. BELLA: Well, I don't like you when you're all…[MAKES A FUNNY DEEP VOICE] Blah, blah, I'm Edward and I'm so smart because I don't have a bed. [LAUGHS] That's what you sound like, dude! EDWARD: I can't understand you. Why are you yelling? BELLA: Jacob was the best! He was the best, and I wanted to kiss his mouth! But I didn't! I didn't! [CRYING] Where are my shoes? EDWARD: How much did you drink tonight? BELLA: And I told everyone about vampires, but they're all like, blah, blah, blah! So we don't need to worry. I have a bruise on my toe. Where are my shoes? EDWARD: I don't think this relationship is working. BELLA: Can I have $50? Don't ask me why I want it. Eww. My shirt smells like hot dogs. Jason is just a friend. He showed my how to rock climb and his dad is a lawyer. We're just friends. EDWARD: I’m hanging up now. BELLA: If I hold my nose like this, does it sound funny? [LAUGHS] Ooh! Pretty Woman is on! I'm so watching this! EDWARD: Goodbye….forever. [HANGS UP]

BLOGGING ECLIPSE

Blogging Eclipse: Part 1 We're halfway there! For those just joining the fun, I'm reading the Twilight series for the first time, and writing about the experience on a chapter by chapter basis. Blogging Twilight and Blogging New Moon posts are collected here. For this book, I'll be keeping a running tally of the number of times the author uses the words "glower" and "murmur." Preface Poor Bella Swan is once again in great peril, but luckily her "protector" is there to keep her safe in this flash-forward that is similar to the previous novels. I'll assume her protector is Edward, but I'm hoping that it's Emmett, Jacob, or a recently zombie-fied Harry Clearwater. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that Bella has not been transformed into a vampire yet, because why else would she act so weak? Of course, since becoming a vampire amplifies certain aspects of your personality, perhaps when she was transformed, her powers of weakness were boosted to the point where she cannot even yawn without breaking a rib. This section ends with, "Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled." Is there a chance that this book might be 100% awesome? Chapter One: Ultimatum Better Title: This Chapter Isn't Too Bad The book begins with a handwritten note from the awesome Jacob Black. It seems that Bella has been trying to get in touch with Jacob, but he's still angry. In the last book, she left him high and dry so she could chill out with the boring, moody, smelly, humorless, irrational, pretentious, uninteresting, elderly, chilly, morose, non-scary, depressed, overprotecting, uptight, too-cool-for-school Edward Cullen…who I do not like. Jacob sends the note in the hopes that Bella will stop pestering him. He can't be friends with her as long as she continues to date Edward. Jacob is a werewolf. Edward is a vampire. And for some reason that will probably anger me with its lack of logic, these two species of monsters cannot play together. The note is a bit cold, and ends with Jake saying that he still loves Bella, but love "doesn't change anything."

Naturally, I'm on Jacob's side. Bella wants it all: The vampire boyfriend and the tough, amazing, tall, funny, friendly, outgoing, mechanically inclined, charming, brawny, shirtless, shoeless, outdoorsy, and warm werewolf best friend. The note features a few harsh lines that Jacob has crossed out. What he leaves in the note is bland, and far less mean. It seems odd that he would edit his own work, and still submit the crossed out lines. It would be like mailing the following note to Stephenie Meyer: Dear Ms. Meyer, I hate your words! I’m going to egg your house! I bet you smell bad, and you probably wear dumb clothes! Congratulations on your success. While I'm not a fan of the work, there is no denying your popularity. Wishing you nothing but the best, Daniel A. Bergstein Bella reminds us that Edward is her boyfriend, though she doesn't think "boyfriend" is the right word for their relationship, a topic of conversation that she already dealt with way back in the first book. Now she tells us, "I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment." How about Forever Buddy? Edward would like to call Bella his fiancée, but Bella doesn't want to marry him. This does not make sense. She is willing to be turned into a vampire, dreams of spending the rest of her life with Edward, and describes her relationship with him as one of "eternal commitment" and yet she doesn't want to walk down the aisle? Talk about being finicky. What's next? BELLA: I want to swim underwater, using a breathing apparatus that is self-contained. EDWARD: Would you like to go scuba diving? BELLA: No! Never! How dare you suggest such a thing!? I hate you! I hate you! [RUNS AWAY CRYING] Bella's dad has made dinner, and it seems as though he wants to talk about something. But Bella and her dad munch away on soggy spaghetti in silence. She looks to the clock, because her forever buddy is allowed to come over after dinner. She then brings us up to speed on the story, explaining why she's grounded. I wonder if anyone started reading the Twilight Series out of order, and began with this book. If so, you haven't missed much. But here is a summary of the events from the previous books: Twilight: Bella meets a vampire and falls in love. She drives a truck. New Moon: The vampire runs away and Bella befriends a werewolf. She drives a

motorcycle. Things become awesome. She goes to Italy. Things become significantly less awesome. At the dinner table, Charlie starts reading the paper and mentions a recent string of murders in Seattle. Gee, I wonder if these murders will impact Bella later in the story? This would be like showing someone reading the headline "Icebergs Spotted in Ocean" in the beginning of "Titanic." (For those keeping score, this is my second "Titanic" reference in these blogs.) Bella and Charlie have a talk. He's worried that she's neglecting her friends. She only spends time with Edward and Alice, and has all but forgotten Angela, Mike, and of course, Jacob. Still, Charlie suggests moderating Bella's punishment somewhat, because she's been pretty good. He adds, "For a teenager, you're amazingly non-whiny." Either Charlie assumes that "non-whiny" actually means "whiny", just like "inflammable" actually means "flammable," or he's never spent more than ten minutes with his daughter. 85% of the past two books was nothing but Bella whining about how horrible her life is, and how everything would be better if only Edward was with her, or she was a vampire, or Jacob was her brother, or Edward wasn't a vampire, or she was good at volleyball. Charlie doesn't know his daughter very well. I'm surprised he didn't add, "Not only are you non-whiny, but you are also made of solid gold, and you can see through walls, and you were born with eight lungs, and your happy-go-lucky personality really shines through, brightening everyone's day." Charlie will ease back the grounding, but only if Bella agrees to spend time with her other friends. She reminds us who her non-monster friends are, but in a shocking turn of events, Eric (E-Rock) is left out of her ramblings, and I fear that we will never hear from him again. R.I.P. E-Rock. We hardly knew thee. Charlie is trying to figure out what happened between Bella and Jacob that soured their relationship. But Bella can't discuss the details, because the world of vampires and werewolves is strictly secret…unless you're a depressed new girl in town. In which case, you can't get the monsters to shut up about all of their secrets. Bella would like to be friends with Mike and Angela, but thinks it will be too difficult. The last book ended with the good vampires agreeing to transform Bella into a vampire after she graduates high school. She's worried about being friends with humans after her transformation, telling us, "For their own safety, I would never be able to see them again after graduation." Huh? Why can't she be friends with humans? Hell, Edward spends all day with humans. I see no reason why Bella would have to ditch Angela. (Though I understand if she wants to leave Mike behind, because I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer, or at the very least a pervert.) There is a lot of talk about Jacob and hurt feelings and conflicts. Bella halfheartedly agrees to Charlie's terms, and says she will try her best to balance her time with Edward and her other friends. Charlie gets up and hands Bella a letter. She's been accepted to the

University of Alaska Southeast. And then, Edward shows up…wearing a golden crown and a tuxedo while riding a white stallion that is also wearing a tuxedo, as a choir of angels sings and moonbeams glitter down from the heavens, surrounding him in cosmic brilliance. (Some of that didn't actually happen.) Bella describes him as "my own personal miracle." She then goes on and on about his eyes, his smell, his skin, his breath. She looks him up and down, like he is a piece of meat. The very sight of this perfect, smelly vampire leaves her literally breathless. This could be quite serious. Does she act like this every time she sees him? Maybe she just has asthma. After five or six paragraphs of description, she finally says hi to Edward and invites him inside. Was he just standing there this whole time, as Bella went into la-la land? I guess he's used to this behavior by now. Maybe he brings along a magazine or he plays poker on his iPhone to pass the time as Bella describes him in her own mind. Edward grabs Bella's hand and smells it. In the book, this action is written with a bit more passion, but yeah…he sniffs her. Do women like this? Every time I sniff a woman's hand, it usually ends with her nervously saying, "Umm…" followed by, "OK, you can spit now. The dentist will be with you in a moment." Edward's plan for the night is to help Bella fill out college applications. While it's no walk in a magical garden, or trip to Italy, at least Edward is being practical. Though she applies to schools, Bella couldn't care less about going to college. She has no career goals. She doesn't want to make a better life for herself or contribute to society. She'd rather become a vampire and…um…I don't know…play Wii Sports all day while drinking bear blood. Live the dream, Bella Swan. Live the dream. Charlie says Edward can stay until 10:30, instead of making him leave at the typical 9:30 curfew. Edward acts surprised that Bella's punishment is easing, though he already knew as much from reading Charlie's mind. Edward says this is good news because Alice wants to go shopping in the city. But Charlie quickly says that Bella shouldn't go to Seattle, because of the high murder rate. And Edward, the over-protecting second parent, agrees. Charlie leaves, and Edward and Bella begin filling out applications. She doesn't understand why Edward wants her to apply to colleges that she cannot afford, but Edward (who is filthy rich for some reason) tells her not to worry about cost. She tosses the papers aside, but they are gone in an instant, as Edward uses his vampire super speed to collect them. He says he already filled out the applications, forged her signature, and used an essay that she had already written. And wouldn't you know it, I just happen to have an excerpt from Bella's essay. (Don't ask how I got it.) Describe your approach to problem solving:

The most important aspect of problem solving is having a boyfriend who can run really fast. Just like my boyfriend! He can stop cars with his hand! His skin is nice and we kiss sometimes (on the mouth!). I can't tell you why he's so strong and powerful, but let's just say that he's…bloody brilliant. Get it? Bloody? Anycrap, if I'm ever in trouble, I do nothing at all and just wait for my forever buddy to save the day. Can he come to your college too? He's mad smart! (She then goes on a three page rant about his cold, hard skin.) In conclusion, I never need to worry about problems. The End P.S. My forever buddy has gold eyes! Yummy! In Bella's mind, going to college is still plan B. She'd much rather skip the college experience and head right into the vampire way of life. And then, ladies and gentlemen, we have our very first "murmur" of the novel. Edward murmurs to Bella, telling her there's no rush for her to become a vampire. But Bella says, "I want to be a monster, too," which would have made a much better title for this book. (Would also be a great name for a costume store or body-piercing hut.) Edward becomes angry at Bella's ignorance. He shows her the article in the paper, the one Charlie mentioned earlier about the high murder rate in Seattle. Edward says there's a rogue vampire in Washington who is responsible for the recent deaths. Judging by the way this evil vampire is killing, Edward assumes it's a "newborn" vampire. This begs the question: How can there be new vampires? If even the sweet-assugar Alice Cullen is unwilling to transform Bella for fear that she might lose control and kill Bells in the process, how does a human-hating vampire have enough willpower to infect a new vamp without killing the victim? Maybe, just like a pregnancy, you can catch vampirism from toilet seats. (Why are you looking at me like that?) Bella gets sad thinking about all the vampire victims, but that quickly passes. Why think about bad things when you have a supermodel boyfriend snorting your wrist? Bella tells Edward that she's been thinking about Jacob a lot, and needs to see him to clear things up. But Edward says, "You know it's out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella." This is why I dislike Edward. He's an overbearing control freak who treats Bella like she's his puppy. Why do girls like this guy so much? He's not a rebel, or a badass. He's just a dad with thicker hair. Thankfully, Bella shows her feisty side and reminds Edward that she hung out with the werewolves while Edward was off being moody in South America. They talk about Wuthering Heights for a few pages, and I don’t really follow what they're saying because I haven't read Wuthering Heights. (From the title, it sounds like the book is about fancy roofs.)

That conversation ends, and Edward still says visiting the werewolves in La Push is a bad idea, calling the wolves unstable, and saying, "Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes they get killed." Edward is such an ass. Not only do the werewolves rule this entire series, but they never hurt Bella. Meanwhile, Eddie's own vampire brother nearly tore Bells apart after she received a tiny paper cut. Who's unstable now, Sled-Ward! (This nickname would work better if a sled was some sort of silly, irrational animal, and not just a fun mode of transportation.) But goofy, lovesick Bella thinks Edward has a point. She mentions Emily, the wife of one of the werewolves, who was accidentally disfigured when her husband transformed. But I would like to add that when Emily was attacked by accident, the entire werewolf pack didn't move to South America, leaving Emily behind. They stuck around, because that's what werewolves do. They get it done. Edward then reveals some information about the feud between the vampires and the werewolves. When he and Carlisle first came to this area, they had a run-in with Ephraim Black, Jacob's great-grandfather. But Carlisle managed to make peace with the werewolves, and thus the treaty was created. After that, the Cullens left town for reasons unknown (probably because someone in town had a bloody nose). They came back to Forks a few years ago, for reasons unknown (probably because everyone else in America thinks they are pompous dullards). Edward assumes that the werewolves are back because of some random genetic fluke. But Bella says the werewolves are around because the Cullens returned. This shocking revelation stuns Edward. Really? He couldn't piece that together on his own? If the werewolves only pop up when the vampires are living nearby, wouldn't you assume there was some connection? Maybe Edward also thinks automatic doors at the grocery store open up randomly, and he just happens to be extremely lucky. Bella then explains how important Jacob is in her life. Edward struggles to understand. He reminds Bella how much he loves her, and how she needs to be safe. Bella says she's going to see Jacob no matter what. Edward replies, "Then I'll have to stop you." Bella, if stick around with Edward, you are a fool. Glowers: 0 Murmurs: 3 Prediction: Bella agrees to never see Jacob again. To further ensure Bella's safety, Edward creates a list of things she is to avoid: 1. Werewolves. 2. Fun. 3. Caffeine. 4. Intersections.

5. Wet floors. 6. Banks (because you never know when a bank robber might strike). 7. Wind. 8. Matches. 9. Candles (unless Edward has first taken the wick out). 10. Knives, forks, and (some) spoons. 11. Zippers. 12. Plastic bags that are the same size as Bella's head, or larger. 13. Hot dogs (because they are a chocking hazard if not chewed properly). 14. Pavement. 15. Pencils (unless Edward has dulled the tip properly, and even then, Bella must wear her Pencil Goggles). 16. Glass. 17. Tuberculosis. 18. Steep hills. 19. Firm pillows. 20. Loud things. And Bella happily does as she is told.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 2

Chapter Two: Evasion Better Title: Edward Cullen's Guide to Controlling Your Woman This is a joke, right? Edward must be kidding around. He's not honestly acting like an abusive boyfriend, is he? Chapter Three better begin with: Edward screamed, "Gotcha! I was just messing around. Want to go to a movie? Or should we just hang out here and I'll breathe directly into your nose so you can smell my amazing mouth odor?" I'm getting ahead of myself, but by chapter's end, if any young woman still thinks Edward Cullen is the bee's knees, then I feel very sorry for that young woman. It's shocking how awfully Edward treats Bella. And Bella's reaction is just as horrible. These two idiots deserve each other, and I'm glad that Jacob didn't end up with Bella. Besides, Jacob Black needs no woman. The earth is his mistress. The sky is his bride. He is…Mr. Black [cue thunderclap] (I could write Jacob intros all day!) The chapter begins with Bella at school. She says, "I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet." At first I become excited, because I didn't know that Batman went to Bella's school. Then I realize that she's once again ooh-ing and aah-ing over Edward. Bella's happy attitude suddenly fades as she thinks about Jacob. She would like closure on their relationship, but Edward won't let her see him. She says, "I was free to go anywhere I wanted—except La Push; free to do anything I wanted—except see Jacob." This is just the beginning of my problems with Edward. He has Bella so wrapped around his cold, hard finger that in her mind, seeing Jacob is illegal. This is not right. You shouldn't treat the woman you love like a slave. I would understand if Edward frowned upon Bella seeing Jacob, but outright banning her from visiting him is beyond reason. If I was dating someone who treated me like this, I would scream, "You're not the boss of me!" and then I would bust out some amazing dance moves so she'd see what she would be missing when I dumped her sorry ass. (Since this is all an imaginary, hypothetical situation, I gave myself amazing dance moves. And for some reason, I'm also picturing

myself wearing a scary-awesome motorcycle helmet and an electric scarf that lights up while I'm feeling the beat.) What's even more frustrating is how willing Bella is to follow Edward's orders. If he said, "Hey Bella, I want you to drink a gallon of expired milk," Bella would be wiping away the milk mustache before he even finished the sentence. I don't know who to dislike more: Edward for being controlling, Bella for being agreeable, or Stephenie Meyer for creating such dreadful, jetpackless characters. At the lunch table, Alice zones out, clearly having one of her visions. She snaps out of it and shares a glance with Edward. Since Eddie can read minds, these two don't need to whisper secrets. But Bella is freaking out, dying to know what Alice saw. Was it about the evil Volturi vampires coming to America? Is Victoria nearby? Is everything all right with Emmett? Is Emmett OK? What's wrong with Emmett? This is about Emmett, isn't it? Just tell me if Emmett is all right. But Alice doesn’t tell Bella (or me) anything. Edward avoids Bella for the rest of the day, obviously trying to keep quiet about Alice's vision. When Bella and Alice finally climb into Edward's car after school, the two vampires still leave Bella out of the loop, never revealing what Alice saw at lunch. I don’t know why they're keeping this a secret. Edward spills the beans in a few pages. So didn't Alice see a vision of Edward telling Bella about the vision? And if so, couldn't Alice just tell Bella about the vision now, instead of making her feel nervous and anxious during the car ride? So then Alice's vision of the future could also become part of the present and then the future would…ouch. Part of my brain just oozed down the back of my throat. OK, enough Alice questions (for this post). After Edward drops Alice off at their house, he drives Bella home. He comes inside and hangs out on her bed while she starts her computer. He notices that she is restless, and decides to calm her down with a kiss—a two-paragraph kiss. (I'm still waiting for a fiveparagraph kiss, which will result in so much passion that their lips will fuse together like conjoined twins. And then every time they tried to say a word with a P or B sound, it will be hilarious.) Bella goes back to her computer and responds to an email from her mom, Renee. Because who doesn't enjoy thinking about her mom after a hot and heavy makeout session? Bella tells us how immature her mom acts. She thinks her mom made a big mistake getting married to her dad at such a young age. This might explain why Bella refuses to marry Edward. Maybe she's worried that if she marries Edward while she's still a teenager, they will later get divorced and have a grueling custody battle over their half-vampire/halfhuman baby, a baby who loves to drink his own blood, and spends all day sniffing his own wrists. She finishes her email and turns to see Edward staring at the car stereo that she ripped out of her truck in the last book, the stereo that was a present from Emmett and Rosalie. He says he will replace it before Emmett and Rosalie find out, because if they knew what

Bella had done, it would hurt their feelings. (But Emmett doesn't have feelings. He has fists!) Edward then shows Bella the plane tickets to Florida that Esme and Carlise bought her as a birthday present in the last book. The tickets are about to expire. He suggests that they fly down to Florida this weekend to see Bella's mom. But how can he fly to sunny Florida without sparkling? I suppose he could fly down at night and stay inside all day, but I've been to Florida. It's sunny even indoors. And wouldn't Renee become suspicious if Edward refused to go outside? If you're a vampire, it must be tough to be a guest in someone's home. You want to be polite, but there are some things you cannot do. Just like the time I visited family and had to endure their strange looks when I refused to eat olives…or take off my cape. Bella isn't sure what to think. She knows that Charlie will flip out at the thought of her flying away for the weekend with her forever buddy. She and Edward argue about this for a while, with Bella saying they should wait to spring their plans on Charlie. She finally asks about Alice's vision. Edward becomes very serious and says that Alice has been receiving visions of Jasper hanging out in the southwest, near his old family. Jasper is the unpredictable member of the Cullen family. He's new to the vampire vegetarian diet, and is struggling to control his urge to drink human blood. So the fact that Alice sees a future where Jasper is with his bloodthirsty family is unsettling, like when a recently sober relative suddenly buys a whole lot of mouthwash and cough syrup. Edward says that Jasper has no "conscious intentions" to go to the southwest, and this has me very confused. I know I promised to stop nitpicking about Alice's powers, but hear me out. She can only see the future once someone has made a decision, right? So if Jasper hasn't decided to go away, how can she see his future? And with that, Alice Cullen drops a few more notches on my list of favorite characters, barely hovering above that guy named Ben, and well below all of the werewolves, Emmett, and E-rock's corpse. Bella and Edward do some homework and have dinner with Charlie. With Edward in the other room watching TV, Charlie mentions that Billy has invited them down to La Push this weekend. Bella tries not to say much because, as we know, Edward refuses to let her near La Push. She tells us, "I knew I wouldn't be allowed to hit a werewolf party, even with parental supervision." Notice how she phrased that. She didn't say, "Edward wouldn't like it if I went to a werewolf party." She said, "I wouldn't be allowed." Allowed? You should never, under any circumstances, need permission from your boyfriend to do anything, unless you're about to do something to his hair or toes. And even then, whatever you're planning on doing is probably pretty funny. Edward, what is your problem? What have the werewolves done, specifically, that makes you think Bella will be instantly torn limb from limb if she so much as eats one bite of outdoor spaghetti?

I would understand Edward's fear if the werewolves had killed thousands of innocent people (like the vampires have done). But the only victim we know about is Emily, and she seems to be getting along all right, scars and all. Edward's doing the equivalent of smacking a glass of water out of Bella's hand because he once heard that someone drowned in the ocean. But wait. It gets worse. Bella does the dishes and Edward helps. Then he tells Charlie about the plane tickets to Florida, clearly ignoring Bella's wishes to wait before bringing the subject up with Mr. Swan. This is another sign that Edward is a d-bag. And no, I don't mean a Dan-Bag. (Dan-Bags are awesome bags filled with candy and tasty treats that I pack for long car rides.) At first, Charlie thinks it would be a good idea for Bella to visit her mom. But he quickly realizes that Edward would be going along too, and he flips out. Bella and her dad have a heated argument, with Bella claiming to be an adult, and Charlie reminding her that if she lives under his roof, she will obey his rules. Perhaps if Charlie ate bears and played baseball loudly, Bella would do as she's told. She threatens to move out. They argue some more. Charlie questions Renee's parenting ability. Bella threatens to tell Renee what Charlie said. And then they both get quiet. She leaves the house with Edward. And we have our very first "glower" of the book. (And the second glower is just a page away!) Sidenote: The glower/murmur contest is fun, and I encourage everyone to play along. Hunting down these two words has turned this boring, infuriating chapter into a game—a very odd, slightly evil game. Just like Chutes and More Chutes (My more difficult variation on the game Chutes and Ladders). Bella is mad that Edward told Charlie about the plane tickets. But Edward doesn't seem to care. Why would he? He's obviously the boss of this relationship. He sets the rules, tells Bella how to act and feel, and probably orders Bella around by snapping his finger. Yep, he sure is quite the catch. Bella assumes, and rightfully so, that Edward wants to go to Florida this weekend so that she won't be tempted to go to Billy's party. But Edward wouldn't let her go to the party regardless of his plans for the weekend, saying, "It wouldn't matter if you were here or on the other side of the world, you still wouldn't be going." Come on! How can she still look this creep in the face, let alone have feelings for him? He's no good for you, Bella Swan! Leave him this instant! I honestly hope the next 500 pages of the book are nothing but Bella kicking Edward in his necessaries. But Bella doesn't want to fight with the attractive Edward, and they go to his house to play chess with the other vampires. I might be missing something, but why does no one care about Jasper any more? They just let him play with Bella like nothing happened. He nearly killed her a few months ago, but now it's all fun and games at the Cullen house. Edward, who has forbidden Bella to see the nice and friendly werewolves, is practically waving her in front of Jasper like she's a piece of meat. And shouldn't Bella be a bit concerned, too?

When I was a kid, I went to a friend's house, and his mean dog bit my hand. It wasn't anything major, but it was scary. The next time I went over to the house, I did not play chess with that dog. Instead, I sat on my hands, shaking with fear. After playing chess, Edward drops Bella off at home and reminds her that he'll be back later tonight to watch her sleep. When she opens the door, Charlie asks to have a word with her. He doesn't seem mad, just uneasy. And it's no wonder. He's going to have a sex talk with her. She tries to get out of it, but Charlie won't let her worm away. He wants to make sure that Edward and Bella are being responsible. After more uncomfortable dialogue, Bella finally tells her dad that she's still a virgin. And that ends the discussion. She goes to bed, waiting for Edward to come back in an hour. But during this time, she thinks about Jacob, and decides to run out before Eddie returns to see Jake face to face. (You go, girl!) She grabs her jacket, runs out of the door, hops in her truck, and turns the key...but nothing happens. Then she sees Edward hiding in the cab of the truck. And after what happens next, I would rather suck on used hobo tissues than be friends with Mr. Edward "Bossman" Cullen. Tattletale Alice called Eddie and told him that she couldn't see Bella's future. Alice cannot see the future when werewolves are involved, so that meant Bella was going to see Jacob. Edward, the same Edward Bella described as the "most perfect person on the planet," then disabled her truck to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Think about that for a moment. He didn't try to talk to her. He didn't try to make any kind of compromise. He just snipped a few wires and then hid in the truck like a villain. And yet he thinks the werewolves are immature. Edward isn't cute and flirty. He is nasty and mentally abusive. And it only gets worse! While the anger builds inside me, Edward promises to fix Bella's car by the time she wakes up. He gets the feeling that she's slightly miffed, and he says he will understand if she keeps her window closed tonight so that he can't climb in. The stunned, angry Bella leaves the broken truck and heads inside. I was hoping she was going to grab the nearest conch shell and blow into it to summon the mighty wolves. But she does not. In her room, she slams the window shut, blocking Edward's entrance, and for a brief moment I am proud of her. But then the foolish, ignorant Bella opens the window again as wide as possible to let her dreamy, manipulative forever buddy enter and watch her slumber. What? How? But…Why? The…and then…What?! There isn't a word to explain how I feel about this. Not even the soon-to-be-coined term "Tubnicking Supreme" will do. I just don't know what to say. This is horrible. Please tell me this was one big joke.

Glowers: 2 (Book Total: 2) Murmurs: 5 (Book Total: 8) Prediction: Things are going great between Edward and Bella, especially since he sewed her feet together out of fear that she would try to run. Then he tied bells to her ears so that he could hear her if she moved her head toward Jacob's general direction. And finally, he buried her underground so the nasty werewolf Jacob couldn't find her. Bella and Edward live happily ever after.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 3 Chapter Three: Motives Better Title: Jacob Black's Guide To Gettin' It Done Jacob "The Thunder" Black rides again! And when he makes his triumphant return, not only does he mock Edward, but he parks his motorcycle on the school's sidewalk. Why? Because this warrior plays by his own rules, makes his own roads, and answers to no one. He is….Mr. Black. [Cue the howling of a wolf on a still winter's night.] But before Jacob tells it like it is, I have two questions. First, how do Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme pass the time during the day? Do they simply wait around for Edward to have a problem? ROSALIE: Do you want to finish the jigsaw puzzle? ESME: Gosh, kiddo. After yesterday, I think I'm all puzzled out. ROSALIE: We can watch Ellen. I think Ellen is on. Want to watch Ellen? ESME: I guess. Are there any more Chipmunk Blood Brownies? ROSALIE: Ooh. That sounds delish! EMMETT: Guys! Can you keep it down? I'm trying to play the guitar with a sword! ROSALIE: Sorry, Emmett. EDWARD: [Comes in out of breath] Everyone! I need you! Bella's accidentally sipped some coffee and now she's not sleepy. She's not sleepy at all! CULLENS IN UNISON: Cullens Congregate! ESME: Edward, you grab Bella and bring her here. Rose, you get a bed ready and then summon Carlisle. Emmett, you stand guard outside the house. Use two swords if you have to. I'll think up a lie that we can tell Charlie. Well? What are you waiting for! Let's move it, people! My second question is: Why does Victoria want to kill Bella? I've asked this before, when she was stalking Bella in the last book. But it's still a head-scratcher. If memory serves, these are the events of the previous books: 1. The E-vamps (Victoria, James, and Laurent) meet the Cullens in the woods. 2. James wants to kill Bella, because Bella smells good. 4. Emmett and Jasper kill James. 5. The werewolves kill Laurent (perhaps while wearing jetpacks). 6. Edward does nothing.

Victoria should be after Emmett, Jasper, or the werewolves, right? Bella hasn't done anything wrong. And it doesn't make sense for Victoria to seek revenge on Edward. What did Edward do to her? Maybe, years ago, Edward didn't allow Victoria to go to a werewolf party, and this how Victoria is getting even. Some might argue that Victoria is motivated by the thrill of the hunt. If that's the case, why wouldn't she hunt Emmett? That would be more thrilling. Why waste her time hunting a weak whiner who falls down if so much as a gentle breeze tickles her ankle? It would be like a bear hunter going after sleepy squirrel that just woke up. There's no fun in that. Whatever the lousy reason, Victoria is back on the prowl, and this helps explain Edward's mean behavior in the last chapter. See folks, he wasn't being overprotective because he's a jerk. He was being overprotective because he's a liar…and a jerk. He didn't want to tell Bella what was really going on because it might scare her. So instead, he manipulated her like a smelly puppet. I hate Edward. The chapter begins with Edward and Bella returning from Florida, where they visited Bella's mom, Renee. How Edward avoided the sun during this trip is never explained. This really bugs me, but I'm not going to complain too much because Stephenie Meyer was nice enough to skip over the entire trip. We simply get the highlights in a flashback. But even the flashbacks seem long and uninteresting. It's pointless to waste more time on this part, because Jacob is about to show up. And it's going to be awesome. When Bella and Edward return home, Charlie is happy to see his daughter again. After some hugs and pleasantries, he tells her that Jacob has been calling all weekend, asking for her. This is strange, because Jake has been ignoring Bella since she came back from Italy. He's pissed at her. It would be like Taylor Swift calling up Kanye. (Can someone explain that last sentence to my Grandma and her friend Dolores? Thanks!) As they're talking about this, Jacob calls again. Bella answers and the two have a very odd conversation. He asks if she's going to school tomorrow, and when she says yes, he cuts the conversation short and says goodbye. Bella can't figure out what that meant. Why does he care if she's going to school? She jumps to the wrong conclusion, and assumes that he was checking to see if she is transformed into a vampire. A more direct way to determine if Bella was a vampire would be to offer her sweet potato fries, as only a vampire could resist sweet potato fries. The next day, Edward and Bella arrive at school, but he asks her to stay in the car. She wants to know why, and then she sees the six-foot-seven, muscular, motorcycle-riding Jacob. He parked his bike on the sidewalk, and the appearance of this great man has drawn a crowd. She looks at her fellow classmates as they gawk at Jake, and tells us, "I realized that Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd." Oops. Found another typo. The word "odd" should have been replaced with "awesome," "rad," or "rawesome." Edward realizes that this meeting has nothing to do with Bella, or her forthcoming transformation. He gets out of his boring non-motorcycle, and Bella follows him to meet Jacob face to face.

Ed once again pulls Bella behind him, standing between her and Jacob. Edward tells Jacob that meeting like this is silly, because Jacob could have called Edward if he wanted to chat. But Jacob makes a joke, saying that he doesn't have any phone numbers for "leeches." Had this been a talk show filmed in front of a live studio audience, this mockery would have been followed by an excited "Oooh" sound and at least one "Mmhmm." When Edward asks if they can talk about this later, Jacob quips, "Sure, sure. I'll stop by your crypt after school." Again, had this been said on TV, it would be greeted by the audience saying "Oooh," followed by applause that would lead to a standing ovation. Edward reads Jacob's mind and says, "Message delivered. Consider us warned." But Bella is still in the dark. She wants to know what this means, and Jacob is surprised to find out that Edward has been keeping secrets from Bella. Edward is caught in a lie. I would give anything to see Edward's face during the conversation. I bet he looks scared and worried, like a kid who got busted for shoplifting one of those toy parachute men you find at crappy toy stores, and then the manager says he's going to call the kid's parents, and then the kid starts to cry and everyone looks at him, and all the kid wanted to do was tie a parachute man to a football to see what would happen when he threw it off of his garage, and now the kid is worried about going to jail and being forced to pee in front of people, and then the kid's dad says, "Dan, I'm very disappointed in you," and….um… Anyway, back to the story. Both the werewolves and the vampires are trying to kill Victoria. But the treaty dictates that the monsters can only hunt in their respected areas. On Saturday, Emmett was chasing after Victoria and may have accidentally stepped into werewolf country, where he met the short-fused werewolf named Paul. Sadly, they did not fight. It takes a few pages for Bella to sort this all out. Alice's vision at lunch the other day had nothing to do with Jasper. Instead, she saw Victoria coming back to Forks. But Edward didn't want to tell Bella this because he's an ass-face. So instead, he practically forced her to go to Florida. I hate Edward. Jacob is shocked at how much Edward has kept from Bella, saying, "You don't think Bella has right to know? It's her life." And later adds, "She's tougher than you think. She's been through worse." As things become tense between Ed and Jake, the other students look on, expecting a fight. And then the battle begins! Buckle up, readers. It's about to get explosive! Jacob thinks back to how horrible Bella felt when Edward left her in the previous book. Edward reads this memory from Jacob's mind and becomes sad. Bella tells Jacob to stop thinking about sad things because it makes Edward sad. And he listens to her. Um…hold on. Let me make sure I didn't miss a page of the book. Damn. Nope. That is all that happens. Sorry. I was sure there was going to be a throwdown. You can go ahead and unbuckle.

Edward senses that the principal is coming, and warns that they should get to class. This prompts the incredible Jacob to look directly at Bella and say, "A little trouble makes life fun. Let me guess, you're not allowed to have fun, are you?" And then Bella screams with delight and rushes into the arms of Jacob. Then they ride off into the sunset, leaving Edward behind, as he cries so hard that he gets a runny nose and his cheeks turn red. Then a really heavy bus hits him and he dies. The End. OK. That's not what happens. Bella defends Edward, saying Jacob is wrong. Jacob says that if she ever wants to have fun again, she can come to La Push. (Can I come too? I'll bring Simpsons Monopoly!) But Bella doesn't know how she can be friends with him. Jacob understands and says that he'll get along without her. Of course he will. He is the thunder that needs no lightning. He is the night that needs no dawn. He is the soldier that needs no army. He is…Mr. Black. [Cue doves flying dramatically in slow motion as a mournful heavy-metal riff plays.] Then the principal breaks up the crowd and sends everyone to class. He notices Jacob and asks if he's a new student. Jacob says he isn't. The principal scolds him, telling him to leave, and Jacob gives him a mock salute as he starts his motorcycle and rides off. I like Jacob. The principal then turns to Edward and asks if Jacob was a friend of his. Edward says they're not friends. The principal suspects that Edward doesn't like Jacob, and because Edward is such a suck-up, goody-goody teacher's pet, the principal adds, "I see. If you're worried about any trouble, I'd be happy to…" But Edward cuts him off, probably while polishing an apple for the school secretary. I hate Edward. Before heading into school, Eddie asks if Bella is "well enough to go to class." Again with the overprotecting nonsense? Sure, she just learned that a vampire is trying to kill her. But Victoria has been hunting Bella since the beginning of the last book. Bells has known about this for months. Why wouldn't she be able to go to class? I wouldn't be surprised if Edward asked this of Bella before she did anything. "Hey Lamb, are you well enough to play chess?" "Yo Lamb, are you well enough to touch faces?" "Lamby Lamb, are you well enough to sleep?" "Lamb Chop, are you well enough to watch an R-rated movie?" "Lamb-a-dam-a-ding-dong, are you well enough to have a birthday party that will end in disaster?" "Lt. Lamb, are you well enough to eat solid food?"

"Lamb Bam Thank-You Ma'am, are you well enough to go outdoors?" "Jean Claude Van Lamb, are you well enough to think about sad things?" Once inside the classroom, Bella and Edward pass notes back and forth. Bella wants to know what happened in the forest over the weekend, and Edward explains how Emmett and the others were tracking Victoria, and how the werewolves were doing the same, and there was a misunderstanding about the boundaries. Then Edward writes a note telling Bella that he would never let anything happen to her, and describes what he would do if she was in a plane crash. Though it's worded more romantically, his plan would be to save Bella, and let everyone else on the plane die. I hate Edward. Bella looks at the note, and after reading this nonsense, she looks at Edward longingly. I hate Bella. Then Bella makes him promise that the next time her life is in mortal danger, he will tell her the truth. But I doubt he will. He is a creature of lies. He is an illogical doofus. He is a cowardly old man who hates fun. He is…Mr. Cullen. [Cue goofy bicycle horn.] Glowers: 2 (Book total: 4) Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 13) Prediction: Back at home, Bella and Edward are hanging out. Suddenly Edward notices that her house is on fire. Bella senses that something is wrong. Instead of telling her the truth, Edward lies and says, "It's just some warm, orange wind. Hey, wanna go to Disneyworld?" They then go to Disneyworld while Charlie burns to death.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 4 Chapter Four: Nature Better Title: (Read in sing-song manner) Bella and Jacob Sitting By the Sea….N-O-T (SPACE) K-I-S-S-I-N-G If this book were a bowl of Lucky Charms, this chapter would be the oddly-shaped bits of cereal that no one really likes, and that only exist because people would feel too guilty eating an entire bowl of marshmallows. In other words, this chapter is boring, and taste like sugary cardboard. Sure, Jacob pops up. But he doesn't ride a motorcycle, turn into a wolf, or summon lightening bolts from the sky. Emmett and his swords are nowhere to be seen. There is no action, of course. No one slaps Edward. No one eats Bella. And by the end of the chapter, we haven't learned much except that Bella is blinded by love, and Jacob is a bit of a racist. The chapter starts off with Bella complaining, again. She wants to be turned into a vampire, because the evil Victoria could attack at any time. But the Cullens are keeping an eye on the situation, and tell Bella not to worry. Jasper uses his super powers to calm Bella down, but this only works when Jasper and Bella are in the same room, much like my scented candle (Christmas Cupcake), which I have now named Jasper. When Edward and Bella are alone, he reminds her that if she accepts his marriage proposal, he will transform her into a vampire right now. But she refuses the proposal for reasons that are too baffling to think about any longer. On the weekend, Bella encourages Edward to go hunting with his brothers. That's nice of her. Even though she forces Eddie to take a Bella-Break, she still misses him horribly when he's away. Of course, the ever-romantic Edward leaves a note on her pillow which reads:

I'll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart – I've left it with you.

Does Edward have a pet hamster named Heart? Please say yes. Bella isn't too worried about Victoria attacking today, since good ol' dependable Alice hasn't had any visions of Bella being eaten alive. And because Bella didn't decide to get killed today, I guess that means she's going to live…according to Alice Cullen's magical logic. It's too early for Bella to go into work, so she passes the time by slowly eating breakfast and fiddling with refrigerator magnets. It's strange that she spends so much time telling us how difficult it is to place two magnets side by side. I don't really understand what this is all…HOLY CRAP! The magnets are a metaphor for Bella's relationships with monsters! This is unbelievable! Did you guys get that? This is even more mind-meltingly insightful than when Bella compared her life to "Romeo and Juliet." The magnetic poles repel each other! It's symbolic. She's trying so hard to be with something that keeps pushing her away. This is freaking poetry! I'll never look at magnets again without thinking about this perceptive, fascinating section of the book. (Can you tell I'm being facetious? No? From now on, when I'm being ironic, I'll raise my hand. I'm raising my hand.) Of course, this wasn't Stephenie Meyer's first choice of symbols. I was lucky enough to stumble upon her first, second, and third drafts of this section: FIRST DRAFT While thinking about Edward, I was playing with oil and water, mixing them around in a bowl to pass the time. I tried so hard to combine the water with the oil, but it wouldn't work. I yelled at the water, "Why are you so clumsy and mortal? Why can't you be more beautiful? Why can't you be more like oil?" Then, in frustration, I poured the mixture onto the floor and mashed it into the carpet. The stain it left resembled a heart...kind of. Murmur. SECOND DRAFT With Edward not touching my face, I wasn't sure how to spend my time. Out of boredom, I tried to ease tension between Israel and Palestine. But as hard as I tried to make one nation fall in love with the other, it always ended in conflict. These two would never live in harmony. There was nothing I could do, and it was very frustrating. The Israeli/Palestinian conflict is a lot like loving a vampire and befriending a werewolf, I guess. THIRD DRAFT Edward had left to collect a bouquet of wildflowers, and as I waited for him to return, I began to goof around with some nearby sulfur and zinc powder. I tried desperately to unite the sulfur with the zinc powder, but it always resulted in a flash of fire—a fire that burned bright, but not for very long. "Too true," I murmured to myself. "Too true." When Bella arrives at work, Mrs. Newton says that the store has been pretty slow, and Bella can go home, if she'd like. Bella reluctantly leaves work. At Mrs. Newton's request, she takes a bunch of fliers with her to toss in the garbage bin.

As she walks to the dumpster, Bella reads the flier, which shows a picture of a sad wolf, under which is written, "Save The Olympic Wolf." There are Olympic wolves?! That's awesome! I bet they're just like regular wolves, except they wake up at 4 a.m. every morning for wolf training with their strict Ukrainian coaches who encourage the wolves with broken-English shouts of, "You want to be puppy? Or you want to be wolf?!" The fliers remind Bella that she could use her free afternoon to visit Jacob, since Edward is off killing mountain lions. Because this was a sudden decision, Alice won't have time to get a vision of Bella's future. If Bella hurries, she could be across the werewolf border and at Jake's house before Alice could even pack up the truck-destroying tools. The Cullens are so sensible. (My hand is raised.) When Bella pulls up to Jake's house, the wonderful man-beast greets Bella with a huge smile and a surprised expression. He's so happy that she came over, that he hugs her and the two friends jump around like kids. I bet the last time Eddie showed joy by jumping was back in 1910, when he got a hoop and a stick for Christmas. Now that he's a moody old man, he shows happiness by blinking slowly. Edward is such a fun guy. (My hand is raised.) Jacob and Bella take a walk and chit-chat about ordinary things. It's reminiscent of the last book, when things were great: Jacob was happy, Bella was having fun, Edward was away in South America, and Tiger Woods wasn't scandalous. (Zing!) But then Bella and Jacob talk about the real issue at hand: vampires. Jacob can't understand why Bella would let Edward back in her life after Eddie broke her heart. Why would she forgive him after all those horrible months she spent in a depressed funk? But she says Edward did nothing wrong. She still thinks he's totally awesome and perfect. And she tries to defend him. I love Bella because she always makes perfect sense. (My hand is raised.) Bella is like a kid who says Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the best movie ever. Such a kid only sees the impressive special effects of the movie, overlooking its confusing, pointless plot and god-awful dialogue and acting. The kid doesn't realize that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie ever made, just as Bella doesn't see that Edward is a manipulative jerk who is as rational as he is fun-loving. Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because he wanted her to have a human life, a life without the threat of vampires. Jacob wants the whole story. Bella is reluctant to go into the details. Jacob mocks her by saying, "Are you not allowed to tell me?" The cocky side of Jacob infuriates Bella, but in the end, she can't resist his charm, and sits down to tell him all about Italy. Jacob asks if there's any action in the story, and Bella says, "There's some action." What a liar! This is what happened in Italy. If you spot any action, please speak up. 1. Edward didn't die. 2. Aro talked. 3. Marcus (giggle) touched Aro's hand (giggle). 4. Aro talked again.

5. Something happened with that little vampire girl. 6. Edward talked. 7. I don't remember because it was boring. 8. Aro talked. 9. Bella, Alice, and Edward left, while the Volturi killed poor, innocent victims, one of whom may have been a sweet, quiet seamstress who came to Italy looking for her birth parents. Perhaps Bella thinks her run through the fountain counts as "action." If that's the case, then my neighbor's kid, who spent most of the summer running through a sprinkler, is a regular Jason Bourne according to Bella. My idea of action involves explosions, throwing stars, and Emmett lighting a cigar with a machine gun, none of which happened in Italy. Bella then explains Alice's silly vision of Bella committing suicide. Jacob is surprised to learn that A.C. can't see the future if werewolves are nearby. Bella goes on with the story, leaving out the fact that the Volturi vamps expect Bella to become a vampire sometime soon. It's a good thing she didn't mention this, because if she had, Jacob would probably laugh so hard at Volterra's gullible judicial system that he would transform into a wolf. Now it's Jake's turn to tell Bella what happened while she was in Florida for the weekend. While chasing Victoria, Emmett, who is amazing, didn't notice or didn't care that he had entered werewolf territory until he bumped into the werewolf Paul. Paul tried to grab Emmett, but couldn't stop him because Paul isn't as terrific as Emmett. Emmett then went back to his side of the property line. A standoff of sorts took place, as the werewolves watched the vampires and vice versa. Carlisle and Jasper showed up, and calmed everyone. Carlisle talked to Sam, and they agreed that Victoria is the real enemy. So the werewolves and the vampires went after Victoria, but by that time, she had already escaped into the ocean. I know someone in the comments mentioned that Victoria's super power is the ability to escape, but this is crap. There is an entire pack of werewolves and a flock of vampires hunting her down, but thanks to her handy powers, she always gets away? This smells like Ms. Meyer wrote herself into a corner, and her only option was to say, "Oh, by the way, Victoria can escape really well." It's too convenient. If someone tossed a big net on Victoria, I bet we would learn that Victoria just happens to be wearing a powerful necklace that makes her invulnerable to nets. I'm sick of Victoria. Can we please have a real villain? One with a cane? Or a snake? Or a cane that houses a hidden snake that springs out on command? Anything would be better than this silly vampire. Jacob tells Bella that Sam is pissed at her for still dating Edward after all the pain and suffering he caused. Bella is about to mouth off to Jacob, and even use the word "hell," but Jacob cuts her off, as he points out an eagle diving for a fish over the ocean. He says nature is taking its course, and that you'd never see a fish try to kiss an eagle. I'm not sure why he would bring this…Oh my god! It's another metaphor! Did you guys get

that? The eagle is Edward and the fish is Bella! Holy crap! Holy freaking crap! My mind is blown! (And my hand is raised.) Jacob then asks one of my burning questions: What does Bella see in Eddie? Jacob thinks she likes him for his money and his supermodel looks. And Bella quickly says, "Yes. That is why I love him." Just kidding. She spouts off some nonsense about how she wishes Edward was ugly and poor, because then she would still love him, but she wouldn't feel as inadequate. At the risk of sounding mean, I'd bet 40 bajillion dollars that Bella would not be dating Edward if he were a fat, ugly guy. Or better yet, a 100-year-old man that looked like a 100-year-old man. She also says Edward is "unselfish and brilliant." Unselfish? I agree with that. Brilliant? Ha! The guy has been going to high school for the past 80 years, so Bella shouldn't be impressed just because he knows algebra and the details of the Lincoln/Douglas debate. If he's so brilliant, why did he leave Bella behind to deal with hungry vampires? And why didn't he and Alice stop the assassination of JFK? Think about it: Someone must have decided to kill the president, so Alice would have known it was going to happen. And Edward can read minds. Together they should have been able to stop it. Hell, they should be able to stop all premeditated murder, especially in their home state. But instead, they probably went to their 54th prom. Well, I hope they had a lovely time. (My hand is raised.) Jacob still doesn't understand what she sees in Edward, and thinks Bella should be dating someone of her own species. I dig Jacob, but this comment is racist. While I think the Cullens are silly (except for Emmett), they should be free to date whomever they'd like (especially Emmett). The Thunder then argues that he is human, even if he's a werewolf. I'm not sure I follow his logic on this one. He says it's not his fault that he is what he is. Bella argues that vampires don't choose to be monsters, either. But Jacob says werewolves are born werewolves. It's in their genes. It's natural. Vampires are created by accident. To prove that he's human, he takes Bella's hand and places it on his chest so she can feel his heartbeat. A heartbeat means someone is human? According to Jacob's logic, that means monkeys, frogs, the Tin Man after he visited Oz, and polar bears are also human. Who knew? Then Bella and Jacob don't kiss. This chapter was a bit of a letdown. I've read greeting cards with more plot development. I hope Emmett and the werewolves show up soon, or else I'm going to cry with frustration. (My hand is not raised.) Glowers: 1 (Book total: 5) Murmurs: 0 (Can you believe that?) (Book total: 13) Prediction: Bella returns home and finds Edward sitting alone in the dark kitchen.

EDWARD: Where were you? BELLA: Um…at work. EDWARD: Really? BELLA: Yeah. EDWARD: So you wouldn't mind if I called Mike Newton and asked him if you were at work? BELLA: Um…Mike can't talk right now. He has a sore throa… EDWARD: Damn it, Bella! Don't lie to me! You weren't at work! You were with…him. BELLA: I just… EDWARD: You just what? You could have been killed. Jacob could have turned into a werewolf and eaten you. Where are your hands? BELLA: In my pockets. EDWARD: Let me see them. I need to make sure he didn't eat your hands. BELLA: I wouldn't be standing here if he ate my… EDWARD: Silence! I see that he didn't eat your hands, but he may have given you the flu. Did he give you the flu, Bella? Don't lie to me! BELLA: I don't think so… EDWARD: That's just it, Bella. You never think. Now go to your room without dinner. I'll be up shortly to touch your face, and to make sure Jacob didn't eat your toes. BELLA: Yay! Meanwhile Jacob is hard at work writing his doctoral thesis: Pie Isn't Human Because It Doesn't Have A Heart.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 5 Chapter Five: Imprint Better Title: Sam's Life is a Romantic Comedy Without Laughter I’m going to need your help on this one, folks. I must be an idiot. Clearly there are hidden words in this chapter (perhaps written in those frustrating invisible letters) that explain imprints. But I haven’t found them yet. The chapter itself is called Imprint, and Jacob says something along the lines of, “And now I shall define the term imprint.” However, after reading this chapter twice, I still have no idea what the hell the word “imprint” means in this book. If you held a gun to my head (don’t do it. I have ticklish temples), and asked me to define imprinting as a general term unrelated to Twilight, I would say it had something to do with leaving an impression. But that definition doesn’t hold up in this book. An imprint in the Twilight world means…well, I don’t know what it means. In this chapter, we learn about Sam’s past. He once loved a girl named Leah, but after he became a werewolf, he fell in love with Leah’s cousin Emily. Jacob says Sam left Leah for Emily because of “imprinting.” And that’s as close to an explanation as we get. So, from this vague bit of info, I’ve had to formulate my own theories about what an imprint actually is: 1. Imprinting is an excuse grownups use when their children ask, “Why don’t you love mommy anymore?” 2. Imprinting is the Native American word meaning “Sam wants to kiss another lady.” 3. An imprint is a soulmate, and it’s about love, and destiny, and eternity, but most of all, it’s about…life. (Insert lovely harp music here.) 4. When a werewolf falls in love with a woman, they imprint, which means they have naked sex. 5. Stephenie Meyer threw this term in at the last moment, after her editor said, “These werewolves are awesome…perhaps too awesome. Maybe you could put them all in dresses, or make them believe in love at first sight. Oh, and the first hundred pages of this book are unnecessary, but we already ordered the paper from the paper company, so we shouldn’t change a thing.”

Whatever the real definition of imprint is, I’m not going to like it. Chances are that in the next few chapters, we’ll get a better understanding of this silly emotional word, and in preparation, I’m tying the book to my wrist. This will make it easier to find after I heave it across the room, as well as prevent costly wall damage. Of course, due to my tiny, infant-sized wrists, and the anger building inside of me at the thought of less-thanamazing werewolf powers, the book will still go flying into the wall, as the kite string will snap my puny, twiggy wrist. Before we learn about Sam's past, Jacob and Bella talk for a bit on the beach. She senses that he is having a difficult time dealing with her choice of boyfriend. “The Thunder” sits on the wet ground as Bella holds his hand. They do not kiss, and no one says a word. Because the silence is rather awkward, she asks about Jake's friend Quil. In the last book, Quil was not yet a werewolf. But now he has become part of the wolf pack. (Congratulations, Quil.) Unlike Jacob, Quil loves everything about being a werewolf, and why wouldn’t he? Werewolves have super speed, strength, mind-reading powers, and maybe jetpacks. It begs the question, if you were a werewolf, why would you ever transform back into a human? (I can only think of a handful of reasons, and they all involve being able to ride go-karts.) Jacob says everyone loves being a werewolf, except for Sam and himself. Sam was the first of this pack to become a werewolf and had a rough time of it. Bella wants to know the whole story, but Jacob says it's a long tale. He’s lying. It’s not a long tale. I can explain the entire story in one paragraph. Do you dare me to do it? Because I will summarize the crap out of it. All right, you asked for it: Sam didn’t have much of a family, and no one explained Werewolfing 101 to him. He dated a woman named Leah. The Cullens moved back to Forks, and this activated the werewolf gene in the young men of La Push. Sam was the first to transform, and it made him freak out. He ran away for a few weeks, came back home, didn’t tell Leah a thing, and then fell in love with Leah’s cousin Emily. The End. That’s the entire story. It takes Jacob pages and pages to explain this. I would hate to listen to Jake explain the plot of LOST or the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Instead of getting to the point, Jacob tells Bella it’s a lengthy story and he wonders if Edward will be mad if Bella doesn't come home soon. She laughs and says, “I do what I want, when I want!” I’m just messing with you. She would never say anything so assertive. She actually says, "He really hates it when I do things he considered…risky." Bella, Bella, Bella. You foolish, ignorant imprint. (Because I don’t know what an imprint is, I’m going to try and use it several different ways until it makes sense.) Jacob half-jokingly tells Bella to stay at his house instead of going back to Forks. She says it wouldn't work out because Edward would come looking for her, but Jake likes that idea and seems hungry for a fight with Mr. Lullaby. Jake is one badass imprint.

Bella doesn't like it when Jacob mentions a possible scuffle, and says of her undead boyfriend, "At least he can be a grown-up about this." I imagine her saying these words as she looks over her shoulder, frightened and worried that an angry Eddie will be there, glowering at her with imprintish fury. Jacob begins talking about Sam’s first time being a werewolf. When he gets to the part about the Cullens returning to Forks, and how this restarted werewolf-fest in Washington State, Bella becomes defensive. She tells him that the Cullens had no clue what triggered the werewolves' reappearance, so Jacob shouldn't blame them for his monstrous curse. But Jacob says he can't be as forgiving as Bella, and even if the Cullens had no idea that they were causing the werewolf gene to activate, it doesn't change how he feels about vampires. Bella tells Jacob to grow up. He says he can't. Wouldn't you know it? Werewolves, just like vampires, Peter Pan, and Elijah Wood, never grow up. And with that, Bella reacts like a maniac for several paragraphs, ranting and raving about how everyone is immortal except her. Waah waah waah. Bella, shut up. According to my calculations, you will only be mortal for another month or two. After you graduate, Carlisle promised to transform you into a vampire. You’re weeks away from having the one thing you want above all else. Stop acting like a spoiled brat. There’s no need for this temper tantrum. You’re like a kid who’s next in line for the rollercoaster, but is crying because he’s not on the ride yet. Quit being so crabby. There are people with real problems in the world. For instance, I have little wrists. In college, they called me T-Rex. I’m scared to clap my hands, Bella, for fear that my talon-sized wrists may shatter. Do you know what that’s like, Bella?! Where’s my Carlisle? Where’s my happy ending!? Oh god, here come the tears. Bella calms down, and Jacob continues with Sam's back story. Bella asks why Sam hates the vampires, and Jacob’s answer is, "Because of love." I'm paraphrasing, but as near as I can tell, this is the only reason Sam dislikes the vampires. First, Sam loved Leah. Then the Cullens showed up, and Sam became a werewolf and ran away for two weeks. He came back and learned about werewolves, but needed to keep this a secret from Leah…for some reason. (Why is everything a secret?) Leah was upset because Sam was leaving at night, and coming back exhausted (and probably naked), which is never a good sign in a relationship. But Sam still didn’t tell her the truth. Then Leah's cousin Emily visited. And at this point in the story, Jacob says, "Have you heard of imprinting?" Bella, of course, says no. How would she know about imprinting? Werewolf life is, foolishly, very secretive. I'm surprised Jacob didn't ask her, "Have you heard of form 884(a), and how it relates to war crimes in Uruguay?" Naturally, Bella asks, "What is it?" It’s a simple question, right? But it's one that Jacob never answers outright. He could have said, "Imprinting means a werewolf falls in love." Instead, he goes on and on, talking about true love, love at first sight, and soulmates. Not once does he ever answer the damn question. It’s frustrating.

Read this chapter again, and tell me if he makes it explicitly clear what "imprint" means. Go on. I'll wait. See! He doesn't do it! (By the way, while you were gone, I ate the last Pop-Tart. Hope that’s cool.) This is bad storytelling. And the following paragraphs in the book are so poorly written and convoluted that you need a flow chart to understand them and some Gatorade to keep you hydrated. (I also drank the last Gatorade. Sorry.) Sam instantly fell in love with Emily the first time he laid eyes on her. And this act of falling in love, I assume, is imprinting. Only werewolves can find their soulmate this way. But Emily is Leah's cousin, so things were kind of…sticky. Emily and Sam really hit it off, and eventually Sam dumped Leah and hooked up with his soulmate, Emily. According to Jacob, this love triangle is why Sam hates the vampires. Huh? What? That makes no sense. The vampires inadvertently lead Sam to his soulmate, and Sam hates them for it. The vamps showed up, Sam became a werewolf, and used his werewolf imprint power to find his one true love, and in Sam’s mind, this is a bad thing. Sam, I hate the vampires too, but I have good reasons. (Please see every previous blog for examples.) You should be on your knees, thanking the vampires for not only making you become an astounding werewolf, but also helping your find true love. Yeah, it sucks that Leah's heart was broken. But I'm sure she'll get over it. (She should date Conner!) I guess Sam simply hates things that are good, such as love. Sam probably also hates Snicker Pie because it’s too delicious, and the first 20 minutes of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom because they're too awesome. This chapter makes me like the werewolves less and less. I wonder what Emmett is doing right now. Whatever it is, it probably involves a ramp, a ring of fire, and hungry alligators. Emmett, can you come back to the story? Even if you just want to hang out in the background playing Frisbee Golf, it would be better than this confusing melodrama. Anyway, Jacobs brings up Emily’s scars and says that after Sam accidentally attacked Emily, everything was fine and dandy between Sam, Emily, and Leah. Leah is even going to be the bridesmaid in Sam and Emily's wedding. Yay! Though I have no idea how Emily's scars resolved things. (To be honest, this section of the chapter confused me. I’m sure it makes sense somehow, and if you could explain it, I’d be very appreciative. Thanks!) Bella asks Jacob if he has fallen in love like Sam did. But Jake says imprinting isn't common; only Sam and Jared have the power. And Jared lucked out because his soulmate was a girl that already had a crush on him. Jacob says he knows all of this personal information about Sam because when he and the others are werewolves, they share thoughts. The good news is that reading each other’s minds makes hunting vampires easier. The bad news is that there can be no secrets between the wolves, so my short story “Werewolf Surprise Pajama Party” is filled with logic errors.

The sun peeks out from behind the clouds, and Bella and Jacob enjoy the break from the gloomy weather. The two friends sit in silence, and do not kiss. Bella then asks Jacob about his standoff with Edward at school the other day. She wants to know what Edward read in Jacob's mind that made Edward feel so sad. Jacob tells her he was thinking about the time Sam found her in the woods, after Edward left her to rot. Let me get this straight: Edward was reading Jacob's mind while Jacob was thinking about a thought he read in Sam's mind. And now Jacob is thinking about Edward thinking about Jacob, so if Edward was here, and reading Jacob’s mind, he would be reading his own mind and then…blood trickles out of my ear and I get a headache. Bella is angry at Jacob for thinking sad thoughts while Edward was reading his mind. But Jacob enjoyed seeing how the thought hurt Edward. Bella gets up to leave, as Jacob apologizes and promises never to think of sad things again. Bella says she needs to go anyway, because Alice is probably worried sick. (And Edward is probably glowering so hard in anger that his eyes have melted and dripped down his face like two eggs.) Jake asks when Bella will return, and she says, "I'll come back the next time's he's away." Jacob makes fun of Edward and Bella becomes angry again and says, "I don't care who's a vampire and who's a werewolf. That's irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Bella. And nothing else matters." I believe a slightly modified version of that statement was used to end the Cold War. They smile at each other and do not kiss. Glowers: 2 (Book Total: 7) Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 15) Prediction: Jacob and Bella watch the sun set. Finally, Jacob speaks up. JACOB: Hey Bella, want to hear something cool? BELLA: What? JACOB: I just imprinted you. Yeah, I’m imprinting with you right now. BELLA: Stop that! JACOB: It’s OK, imprint-mate. We need to get married. BELLA: But I don’t like you as a boyfriend. JACOB: I’m not asking to be your boyfriend. I’m asking to be your forever imprinted husband. It’s different. You can’t say no. It’s imprinted. You can’t talk your way out of an imprintmenship. It’s, like, the law. BELLA: I still don’t know what that word means. And it doesn’t sound grammatically correct. JACOB: It means you must love me, ‘cause we’re imprint buddies. Imprinting is the best, isn’t it? Three cheers for imprints! BELLA: Stop saying “imprint.” JACOB: It’s part of werewolf culture. Imprinting is fun. And I imprinted you real good. I even imprinted your shoes!

BELLA: I’m so confused. JACOB: Just say that we’re imprints. Say it! BELLA: Um…OK. We’re imprints. JACOB: Ha! Now we’re married…sort of. BELLA: Whatever. I’m going to Edward’s house to play chess and make out. JACOB: But…the imprint. I imprinted you. (SQUINTS EYES) There, I imprinted you again. BELLA: (WALKS AWAY) Yeah. Good luck with that. JACOB: Imprint, come back!? I love you, my Imprint! Imprint!? IMPRINT!

Blogging Eclipse: Part 6 Chapter Six: Switzerland Better Title: Kidnapping is Fun for the Whole Family Freedom is so overrated. I was wrong to criticize Edward's manipulative, abusive behavior towards Bella. It's obvious that he's only trying to protect her, and if protecting her means kidnapping her and holding her hostage, well…maybe I can look the other way, because it's all about love. Plus, he did buy her a new bed. Edward, you are one class act, and I wish you and your prisoner nothing but good fortune and grand times ahead. (My "sarcasm" hand is raised so high, and I'm stretching my fingertips with so much force, I fear my knuckles will lock into place and my fingers will shoot off my hand like Nerf bullets.) I hate the scheming Edward. I hate the greedy Alice. I hate the apathetic Esme. I hate the rude Rosalie. And I particularly hate Carlisle, because he was built up as the most reasonable vampire of this clan, the one who made peace with the werewolves, but if he's letting Bella be held captive by his wife and kids, then he is nothing but an evil, awful, illogical buffoon. This chapter is horrible. Or rather, what the Cullens do to Bella is horrible. The section of this chapter starring Angela is actually quite good. It all begins with Bella leaving Jacob and driving to Angela's house to help Angela fill out graduation announcements. On the way, Bella looks in her rearview mirror and sees Edward following her in his Volvo. She knew that visiting Jacob was a no-no, and she was prepared to get a scolding from Mr. Dreamy Eyes, but she didn't expect him to follow her like a serial killer. This is beyond ridiculous. There are so many things wrong here that I don't know where to start. First, why is Edward worried? I understand that Alice can't see visions of Bella when she's with Jacob. But Bella had decided to go to Angela's house later. Alice should have seen this and told Edward, "Dude, Bells be going over to Ang's house, yo. It's all good." Second, why is Edward driving? If he wanted to secretly keep an eye on Bella, why not just run and hide in the bushes? I thought vampires could run super-fast.

And third, if Edward is being an overprotective prick, why not give Bella a damn cell phone? Then he could be that annoying guy who keeps calling and texting his girlfriend to check on her, which is slightly better than following her around in his car. Slightly. Bella tries to ignore his car, and is somewhat relieved when she stops at Angela's house and Edward continues driving. But to me, this is even scarier. The least Edward can do is roll down his window and talk to Bella. Driving past her without a word is callous and evil, the type of behavior you'd associate with Hannibal Lecter, not Romeo. Angela invites Bella into her room, and the two friends begin to fill out envelopes. This scene is nice, simple, and above all, real. I've said it before, but this book is at its best when the characters are acting like teenagers, instead of melodramatic sad sacks who throw reason and logic out the window for the sake of moving the plot in a certain direction. Bella notices that the house is quiet, and asks where Angela's parents went. Angela says they went to a birthday party in Port Angeles. (No! Angela, call the cops. If your folks went to the realm of horror that is Port Angeles, they've probably been mugged three times already and murdered twice.) As they address the envelopes, they talk about relationships. Angela asks about Edward, but Bella is reluctant to offer up any information. She's sworn to secrecy about the world of monsters. (Though it seems if you break this promise and reveal the secret, your punishment is hugs and kisses.) Bella stops herself from going into any more detail, and they change topics and discuss college. Angela and her boyfriend Ben are both attending the University of Washington, which makes Bella nervous because she knows there is an e-vamp on the prowl in Seattle. She hopes that by the time Angela and Ben arrive, the vampire will have moved on. Of course, if she really cared about Angela, she would warn Ang about the monsters. I guess Bella only cares about vampires and protecting their secrets. If Angela told Bella that she was going to the University of Volterra, Bella would probably say, "Cool. Um, you might want to be careful, because in Volterra there are…delicious ice cream stands and you might get addicted. (giggle)" They continue to work on the envelopes. After a while Angela's boyfriend returns, and Bella takes the cue to leave. When she arrives home, Bella becomes nervous. She knows that the awful Edward Cullen is most likely waiting to scold, punish, and perhaps spank Bella for disobeying his "Never See Jacob" rule. She opens the door to her room, and sees the idiot standing stoically against the wall. If you are dating a senseless vampire jerk, and you find him waiting for you in a darkened room, and he looks angry, don't go into that room. Call for help. Summon the werewolves with your werewolf call (three short whistles, followed by a loud howl). If the werewolves are busy being awesome, call me. I will gladly come over and beat your vampire boyfriend up. But whatever you do, stay away from the overreacting dumbass.

And don’t give me that crap about how Edward is simply trying to protect Bella because he's nice and caring. A nice caring boyfriend does not follow his girlfriend's car. A nice caring boyfriend does not make his girlfriend abide by ridiculous rules and restrictions. A nice caring boyfriend would never sit and wait in the dark for his girlfriend to return home so he can yell at her. (Also, a nice caring boyfriend agrees to see a romantic comedy if his girlfriend agrees to see Avatar.) The infuriated Edward starts by saying that he almost crossed over into werewolf territory to "rescue" Bella from the evil wolves. Just when I think this series will end with Edward berating Bella to death, she (finally) fights back, saying the werewolves are not dangerous. And she's right. She's soooooo right. The werewolves exist only to protect humans from vampires (as is my understanding) and fly around with jetpacks (as is my greatest wish). Bella and Edward continue to argue. She asks him not to overreact next time she visits Jacob, and he says, "There isn't going to be a next time." Ugh. I'm done. Even if Edward buys me a wonderful Christmas present, after which he finds a cure for cancer and poverty, I will still hate him for being such a foolish, short-sighted, controlling dork-bag. Is this really what some women want from a boyfriend? Do they really enjoy being treated like a child? Do they enjoy being spoken to without any respect? If that's the case, I need to go tell a special someone that I refuse to see Did You Hear About the Morgans, and instead will be seeing Avatar…twice! Bella asks if Edward is jealous of Jacob, and he raises an eyebrow. I'm jealous of Jacob, but not because of his relationship with Bella (he can have her). I'm jealous of his werewolf powers, and his presumably normal-sized wrists. Edward is unwilling to compromise, and still forbids Bella from seeing Jacob. She then says that in the world of monsters, she considers herself Switzerland, meaning she is neutral. I would guess that in this analogy, Edward is a tiny, boring nation, perhaps the Principality of Lichtenstein, and Jacob is an awesome, badass country, such as the futuristic dystopian version of Australia from the Mad Max movies. They agree to disagree and the fight, kind of, sort of, ends. Because Edward had to cut his hunting trip short so that he could pathologically stalk his lover, he needs to go hunting again. Bella is going to see Jacob while Edward is away, and isn't afraid to tell Edward this fact. Way to go, Bells! But things don't work out as she expected. Instead, this book takes a turn for the worse. When Alice, instead of Edward, arrives to pick Bella up from work on Thursday, Bella becomes suspicious. Alice explains that Edward left for his hunting trip early, which I guess is an acceptable excuse for the Forks School District. (Does anyone in this book go to school?) Alice locks the car doors and speeds off. First sign of trouble. She says Bella will be having a sleepover at the Cullen house for the next few days, and they have already cleared things with Charlie.

I have no idea how they managed to do that. I thought Charlie was angry with the Cullens for ditching his daughter and then taking her away for three mysterious days to Italy. Maybe he forgot about all that while he was busy growing old alone. Alice tells Bella, "You're staying with me two nights, and I will drive you to and from school tomorrow." Creepy, right? Bella half-jokingly accuses Alice of kidnapping her, and Alice responds, "Sorry. He paid me off." It seems that Edward gave Alice a Porsche in exchange for Alice agreeing to take Bella hostage, thereby preventing Bella from seeing Jacob. Can we take a step back? Why couldn't Alice buy her own damn Porsche? Since Alice has (nonsensical) psychic powers, I would assume she would have more money than the rest of Cullens. Did she blow all of her finances on bubble gum and Zhu Zhu pets? Alice argues, "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be. Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You shouldn't be so reckless." This is her excuse for imprisoning Bella while Edward is out eating mountain lions? This. Does not. Make sense. The werewolves have never harmed Bella. Meanwhile, Jasper nearly killed her. I hate you, Alice. I hate your powers. I hate your stupid Porsche. I hate that you were all too willing to go along with Edward's dumb plan in exchange for a shiny gift. But what's worse is that Carlisle must have approved of this friendly kidnapping. Is Dr. Cullen really that dense? Does he truly believe that the werewolves are deadly killers, even though they have never killed anyone? Does he think kidnapping a teenage girl is appropriate behavior? If so, Dr. C. is off my Christmas card list. (Good news, Tyler, you're back on my list!) Alice just laughs off the idea that kidnapping Bella is wrong. She seems excited to have a slumber party, saying, "I'll give you a pedicure and everything." Well, isn't she the world's happiest prison guard? At the Cullen house, Esme brings in some Italian food that she bought in Port Angeles, where she was probably mugged and set on fire. Bella sits with Esme, Alice, and Rosalie and watches movies…against her will. Bella is annoyed, and rightfully so. She asks where she is going to sleep, since the Cullens do not own beds. Alice says she can sleep in Edward's room; he has a big couch. She then asks if she can go home to grab some clothes and whatnot. But Alice says that won't be necessary because they have already collected everything she needs for the next two days. Bella asks if she can make a phone call. She needs to tell Jacob that she can't see him this weekend. Alice reluctantly allows this. Bella calls Jake and says their plans for the weekend are off. He reads between the lines and understands that Edward doesn't want her to see him. Bella tries to make light of the situation and jokes about being held prisoner.

The amazing, awesome, terrific Jacob then says, "We'll come and get you," implying that he and the other wolves would rescue Bella from the clutches of the evil Cullens. This my favorite line in the entire series. Please, please, please let the werewolves help Bella. This could be my Christmas and Hanukkah present. And I won't ask for anything for Arbor Day this year. Please!? I promise I'll be good! I will accept any type of rescue mission, even if it's written in a vague, confusing, Stephenie Meyer-esque action sentence: "And then the werewolves did things in the room and more things happened, and then Bella was glowerlously rescued." Bella tells Jake that the Cullens are only trying to keep her safe, and that everything is fine and dandy. She hangs up and calls Edward. He doesn't answer the phone because he's probably killing a mountain lion, or sniffing Bella's dirty clothes, or making a cage for Bella out of solid gold and platinum. She leaves him a teasingly angry message, saying that he's in trouble the next time she sees him. I imagine that she will punish him by kissing his neck later. Bella says she's sleepy and Alice shows her to Edward's room, where Bella finds a giant, luxurious bed. Edward bought it to make Bella's captivity nice and pleasant. She is shocked. While she gets ready for bed, she tells us that the Cullens' overprotective behavior is "irritating." No, Bella. Mosquito bites are irritating. People who push the elevator button more than once are irritating. Missing shoes are irritating. What the Cullens are doing to you is not irritating. It's criminal. Bella hops into bed and soon hears a knock at the door. She assumes it's Alice, but it's Rosalie. Rose asks if she can come in, and the chapter ends…erotically. Glowers: 0 (Book Total: 7) Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 17) Prediction: The next night, Bella calls Jacob once again. BELLA: Hey Jake. JACOB: Hi Bella. How's it going at the Cullen Prison? BELLA: Stop it, Jake. They're just trying to protect me. JACOB: I think they're taking things too far. BELLA: Well, last night they did saw off my toes. JACOB: What?! BELLA: It's no big deal. They just didn't want me to be able to run, or tip-toe. Whatever. JACOB: No! Bella, that's not "whatever." This is dangerous. BELLA: And they did chain me to the radiator. I asked Alice why, and she just giggled and screamed, "Girls' night!" She's a hoot. JACOB: Bella! You idiot! They're enslaving you. BELLA: They also permanently blinded me with chemicals. It's so annoying. JACOB: I'm coming to save you! BELLA: No, Jake. It's OK. Really. They just didn't want me to be able to look at things

that are dangerous. I guess I can understand that. The Cullens are so sweet and nice. JACOB: (GROWLS) BELLA: Later, Esme is going to tear out my tongue, so this is probably the last time I can ever talk to you. Crazy, right? But I can't complain. They got me a bed! A big pretty one! JACOB: (STRAPS ON JETPACK AND GRABS CROSSBOW) I'm on my way. BELLA: Oh Jake. You're being silly. But if you are coming to rescue me, bring me a sleeveless shirt. I no longer have arms. I'll explain later. Bye-bye.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 7 Chapter Seven: Unhappy Ending Better Title: Eighteen Pages of Crap Punctuated by Two Pages of Awesome. Dan hesitated at the computer, his breathtaking face unsure how to begin this enchanting blog. "Perhaps I will commence by mocking the opening line of this chapter," Dan muttered quietly. "It would be easy to do. The first sentence is dreadfully written, and the chapter itself so rife with sentimentally and pretension that it made me unglower and chortle. Even now, just thinking of the phrase 'Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure' brings a smile to my face like that of a child on Christmas morn." And with that, Dan stopped himself from writing the rest of the blog in such a pompous manner, and returned to using plain, pedestrian English. You suck, Stephenie Meyer. I can't tell if I'm reading Twilight, or Jane Eyre fan fiction. No one talks like this. No one thinks like this, either. I understand that Rosalie is almost 100 years old, but even my 96-year-old grandma doesn't speak like she's stepping into the ballroom of the Titanic. And Bella's own thoughts and narration are just as cheesy. It's obvious that Stephenie Meyer is trying to impress the readers and make us think that Rosalie's story is all so grand and tragic. But it isn't. It's a big ball of clichés and cheesiness. A clich-eese ball, if you will. The writing in this chapter makes a typical soap opera sound as if it were written by Diablo Cody. And the opening line made me laugh for a good 30 seconds. Let me write it again: Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure. Ha! Oh man, that's even funnier than the joke about the ventriloquist frog. If Bella were a real 18-year-old girl and saw Rosalie standing in her doorway, she would not think to herself, "Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure." Instead she would think: "Rosalie was in my doorway, and she looked confused. What the hell is her problem?" Or "Rosalie was nearby. It was weird. Whatever."

Or "Rose be all up in my business. And I'm all like, eww." The writing in this chapter also illustrates my point that when Bella talks to her high school friends, it seems natural. But when she talks to a monster, the dialogue becomes hilariously overwritten. In the last chapter, when Bella and Angela were discussing boys, Bella said, "Edward thinks Jacob is a bad influence, I guess. Sort of…dangerous." That's not going to win a ribbon at this year's Dialogue Awards, but at least it sounds like something a teenager would say. But when she's with Rosalie, everything becomes forced. For example, this bit of dialogue that seems about as natural as a nine-headed turtle: "Would you like to hear my story Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending—but which of ours does?" That's so freaking profound, Rose. You just blew my mind with that eloquent, poetic, spur-of-the-moment statement. (Hand raised) After Rosalie makes her hesitant, unsure, breathtaking entrance, she sits down with Bella and begins to explain why she always acts cold towards Belly. It's a long, rambling story, and I'll be honest, I didn't really pay close attention to what happened. (I was busy thinking about graham crackers, and why graham pretzels and graham soda don't exist.) But here's the gist of Rose's tale: Back in the 1930s, Rosalie was a happy, pretty girl, the daughter of a well-to-do banker and a prim and proper mother. She was a spoiled brat who knew that everyone gawked at her beauty. She wanted nothing more in life than a big house, and servants, and a handsome, rich husband. Or so she thought. She was courted by a wealthy banker's son named Royce King. I assume Meyer uses this name because it would be too obvious to call him Prince Miser Moneybags, or Lord Evil Cashdollar. Anyway, Royce and Rose planned to get married, and Rose thought everything was going to be splendid. But…are you sitting down? Things ended badly! Rose had a friend named Vera. Vera married a poor carpenter (I don't remember his name, so I'll call him Frodo Pennypot). At first Rose could not understand why a woman would lower her social standing by dating a carpenter, but then she saw how much Frodo loved Vera. And when Vera and Frodo had a beautiful child, Rose realized there might be more to life than snobbery. But Rose still wanted to marry the wealthy Royce, even though he wasn't that nice of a dude. After leaving Vera and Fordo's place one chilly April night, Rose was heckled by a group of drunk men partying under a broken street light. Drunk men under a broken street light are never a good sign. If this scene seems familiar, it's because it's been used in just about every single movie, book, TV show, play, opera, puppet show, music video, commercial, ballet, comic strip, and cave drawing that you've ever seen. As the men called out to the scared Rose, she realized that she recognized one of the voices. One of the drunk guys was…wait for it…Royce King himself! At first Rose was relieved that her boyfriend was there to protect her, but he didn't greet her with hugs,

kisses, and silver spoons. Instead, he barked at her to come closer to the guys. He then showed her off like she were a piece of meat. He tugged her hair and ripped off her coat to give his buddies a better look. Rosalie stops her story here, and doesn't go into the gruesome details. Needless to say, bad things happened that night. The men had their way with her, and left her beaten and injured, lying on the street. She thought she would die on the cold ground, but luckily Dr. Carlisle Cullen found her, and took her back to his place, to a shocked Esme and Edward. Rosalie then felt something stabbing her throat and wrists, and it's obvious that Carlisle was transforming her into a vampire. Edward thought it was foolish for Carlisle to transform one of the town's most recognizable socialites, but Carlisle said, "I couldn't just let her die." Granted, we have no idea how badly Rosalie was injured. I'm sure she wasn't in great shape. But Carlisle doesn't even give the girl a bandage or some aspirin. Instead he simply transforms her into a vampire. That's a bit hasty and out of character, don't you think? Of all the people Carlisle treated as a doctor, he's only transformed two or three people (Ed, Rose, and maybe Esme). So he's probably let a lot of folks die, innocent people who were sick with disease, children with critical burn injuries, soldiers who were simply trying to defend their country, etc. And yet when one pretty girl is a little beat up and chilly, he suddenly decides to save her life and make her immortal by using vampire powers? Was she even dying? What happened to Rose is horrible, and I'm not saying she didn't deserve to be helped. But if Carlisle is going to jaunt around town turning injured people into vampires, why doesn't he do so more often? He could save millions of lives! Instead, he's chosen to save a handful of pretty people. Way to go, Dr. C. (You can't tell, but I'm slowly clapping my hands in a sarcastic manner. I'm also smirking in a sarcastic manner…and chewing on a pizza bagel, somewhat sarcastically.) Rosalie continues telling Bella the story, describing how super-attractive the transformation made her. There was a time when Rosalie wanted to be the most beautiful being on the planet, but when she finally got her wish, she really only wanted the life her ugly friends Vera and Frodo had. She wanted a life of genuine love, and she wanted the ability to have babies. (If I didn't know better, I would say that Ms. Meyer stole Rose's unfulfilled desire to have children from my poem "Batman vs. The Fertility Doctor.") Under Carlisle's tutelage, Rose became a good vampire, and never tasted human blood. But she did kill a few people. After she was transformed, she wanted revenge, and murdered Royce King and his friends. But she didn't shed any blood, because she knew she would not be able to control her thirst. I wonder how she killed these seven people without getting bloody. Probably by drowning them, or making them eat foods high in saturated fats and cholesterol. Since vampires are weird, silly drama freaks, she even wore her wedding dress as she killed Royce and his goons. Was that intended to scare Royce? I'm sure he didn't care.

ROYCE: Oh no! You've come to kill me! Please don't kill me! Agh! Ack! Noooo! Hey, what's up with that dress? Whatever. Ack! Arggggggggh. Gurgle. Rosalie ends the story, and is surprised to learn that Edward never told Bella what happened. Bella says Edward was being respectful of Rosalie's privacy, and Rose says, "He's really quite decent, isn't he?" And I laugh. And laugh. And laugh. This brings us back to why Rosalie hates Bella. She's annoyed that Bella wishes to become a vampire simply because Bella doesn't want to be old. Rose is envious of Bella's ability to have children, and doesn’t understand why Bella would throw it all away. She wants Bella to know that if she became a vampire, she might regret the choice. I agree. Bella needs to think things through. This is just like the time in elementary school when I refused to wear my lazy-eye patch because I thought it made me ugly. I have a bad eye, and the doctor said if I wore a patch for a few hours a day in kindergarten, my eye would get better. But I refused, thinking only of the present, never realizing how this would change my life. And now, because I was vain and didn't wear the patch, I have horrible vision in one eye, and can't see 3-D movies very well, and have poor depth perception. So if you throw me something, I probably won't catch it. (And even if I had good eyes, I still wouldn't catch it because I have little, pencil-thin wrists that are often mistaken for hairy bread sticks.) So Bella needs to think ahead and understand the consequences. Bella argues that becoming a vampire isn't all bad because Rosalie has found a soul mate in Emmett. (Yay! Emmett is mentioned again!) But Rose says although she loves Emmett, she still wishes to have children and grandchildren. Can't she adopt? Or just watch the Hallmark Channel all day like my great aunt? When Rosalie rescued the human Emmett from being mauled by a bear, she took him back to Carlisle and begged him to transform Emmett and save his life. She loved him from the moment she saw him, because his face reminded her of Vera's baby. So…wait. Rose loves Emmett because he looks like the child Rose could never have? That's kind of confusing, and icky. And Emmett is no child! Rose reminds Bella that the choice to become a vampire is permanent. And before leaving, she pats Bella on the head. That's not odd. I pat people on the head all the time when I finish a story. It's a classier way of saying, "The End." Rosalie leaves, or as Stephenie Meyer puts it, "She got up silently and ghosted to the door." Seeing "ghost" used as a verb always makes me smile. The next morning, Alice drives Bella to school…and then something amazing happens! Go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and grab a snack. This is going to get fantastic. Bella snaps at Alice for the whole kidnapping plan. And Alice simply frowns. (That's not the awesome part.) Between classes, Mike Newton once again asks Bella out (this isn't the awesome part, either) and just as she's shooting him down, a loud motorcycle engine is heard in the background. (OK. This is the awesome part!)

Bella turns around and sees Jacob "The Thunder" Black stopping his motorcycle on the sidewalk, as he revs the engine and beckons to her. And she finally comes to her senses and sprints over to Jacob, hopping on his motorcycle while giving Alice a look that says, "How do you like me now, you kidnapping freak?" Jake then speeds off before Alice has a chance to stop him, and he races for the werewolf territory. Once they make it past the boundary, Jacob smiles and asks,"What do you want to do today?" Bella answers, "Anything!" I'm not kidding! This part actually happens. I know it sounds like one of my goofy jokes, where I write, "And then Jacob and Bella fly off in jetpacks to go hunt dragons with Robocop." But this time it's real! Jacob rescues Bella! Merry Christmas to Dan! Glowers: 0 (Book Total: 7) Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 19) Prediction: Carlisle administers CPR to an ugly old guy. After a few chest compressions he looks up and spots a young attractive woman who is suffering from a minor paper cut. He lets the man die and quickly rushes to the woman's side. He transforms her into a vampire, saying, "I have given you the curse of life, my dear. I have much to teach you." Meanwhile Bella hangs out with Jacob. JACOB: What should we do? BELLA: I don't know. We could go to a movie. Or we could ghost. JACOB: What? BELLA: We could ghost. JACOB: What does that mean? BELLA: It's a verb. It means to do things in a ghost-like manner. You know…ghosting. JACOB: That sounds strange. BELLA: Ghosting is the best. I ghosted all the time back in Arizona. JACOB: Hmm. Why don't we imprint instead? BELLA: Well, how about if we imprint and then ghost? JACOB: Hell yes! BELLA: If you don't have ghosting gloves, you can borrow mine.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 8 Chapter Eight: Temper Better Title: Eww! That’s Just Wrong. Sadly, the mission to rescue Bella does not end with Jacob slaying the vampires with an automatic crossbow and an out-of-control tractor trailer. Instead, Bella and Jake go back to his house and walk on the beach. Walking on the beach must be Bella’s favorite activity, because she does it all the time. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I would say “walking on the beach” was her code for having sex or using/selling drugs. If I were hanging out with a werewolf who had just rescued me from the clutches of manipulative vampires, I would not go walking on the beach. I would be informing the werewolf about the various entry points to the Cullen compound, while loading a shotgun and strapping knives to my legs in preparation for “Operation: Thunderclap Leech Kill.” But not Bella. She just enjoys beach walking, and would probably pass up once-in-alifetime opportunities to stroll along a cold, rocky shore. ASTRONAUT: Hello! And welcome to Space Camp, where your dreams become a reality! What would you like to do first? BELLA: You got any beaches I could walk on? ASTRONAUT: Um… BELLA: Because I loooove walking on beaches. It’s kind of my thing. That’s why they call me Beachy Bella. At least, it sounds like that’s what they call me… ASTRONAUT: Well, there is a beach about thirty miles away. Wouldn’t you rather try out the flight simulator or human centrifuge? BELLA: Is the human centrifuge a type of beach? Can I walk on it? ASTRONAUT: No. BELLA: Will the human centrifuge touch my face? ASTRONAUT: No. Not really. BELLA: [LONG SILENCE] Which way was that beach you mentioned? During their stroll on the beach, Bella asks Jacob about the wolf pack, and he reacts nervously. Something is up in the werewolf community, and after a little prying, Jake finally reveals that Quil has imprinted. That’s fantastic! Way to go!

Quil has found true love with a nice young woman named Claire. Claire is Emily’s niece, and was visiting La Push when Quil locked eyes with her and fell madly in love. It’s all so wonderful and romantic, just like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. Did I mention that Claire is two years old? It doesn’t matter. That’s not important. It’s a sweet, passionate relationship between two people destined to be with each other. It makes your heart fill with joy. (Both sarcasm hands raised. Typing with tongue.) How? Why? What? There are a lot of goofy things in this book, from Marcus to Dream Edward, but Quil’s budding romance with a two-year-old is beyond silly. What will these two lovers talk about on a date? QUIL: You look lovely tonight, Claire. Is that OshKosh B’gosh? It’s very becoming. CLAIRE: You face is funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. QUIL: Claire, you’re so witty. CLAIRE: Chicken ‘uggets! QUIL: Are you hungry? CLAIRE: I want chicken ‘uggets! QUIL: I’m not sure they have chicken nuggets on the menu, my love. CLAIRE: [PUTS HAND ON HEAD] I’m a rabbit! QUIL: Um…ok. CLAIRE: Can I go on slide? QUIL: You mean at the park? Put down the fork, my dearest. It’s not a toy. CLAIRE: Can I slide at park? QUIL: But the park is far away. And it’s nighttime. CLAIRE: Why [unintelligible] the man [unintelligible] a horse? Drum! QUIL: Um… CLAIRE: Train? QUIL: No, we can’t go on the train tonight, honey. Put down the spoon. Where is your shoe? CLAIRE: Twinkle! Twinkle! Little! Star! [BANGS SPOON ON THE TABLE] QUIL: I love you too. In the book, immediately after Jacob reveals Claire’s age, Stephenie Meyer writes, “Rain started to fall.” That’s because God is crying after hearing about this ridiculous relationship. Naturally, Bella is confused by Quil’s choice of life partners. Jacob tries to explain that it was not Quil’s decision, and that imprinting is like gravity: useless to defy. According to Jake, Quil will watch over Claire as she grows up, acting as an older brother, and then, when Claire is old enough, Quil will marry her and they will live happily ever after. This is gross, but in such an over-the-top way that you can’t help but laugh. It’s like finding out that your grandma made adult movies under the name Bendy Wendy. Perhaps Stephenie Meyer is trying to show us that love is ageless. Or perhaps she sat down in front of her typewriter and said, “You know what group always gets a bad reputation? Pedophiles. I plan to change all that. Typewriter, activate!”

Jacob says imprinting occurs when a werewolf sees his mate for the first time. This begs the question: Are blind werewolves lonely? (Find out in my forthcoming epic poem, entitled, “Blind Leroy Falls in Love On the High Seas.”) Jacob then acts a bit too emo for my taste, and sadly tells Bella, “I’ll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you.” Come on, Jake. Snap out of it. Where’s the badass I fell in love with (in a friend sort of way)? The one who eats vampires? The one who mouths off to school principals? The one who (probably) strikes matches off the side of his face? I’m not a fan of this sad-sack Jake. This is like finding out that Batman cries in the shower, where no one can see his tears. But not to worry, folks. Jacob is about to become awesome once again. After Jacob reveals his not-so-secret longing for Bella, she is a little weirded out and thinks about going home. But he assures her that he will stop being creepy, and shoots her the charming smile that she cannot resist. They ride motorcycles for a while and then go back to Jacob’s house to eat. After dinner, they hang out in the garage and reminisce about how nice things were when Edward was away and Bella spent all of her time at Jake’s, during the months I like to call “Radtember” and “Dan-uary.” Jacob asks if Bella is seriously considering becoming a vampire, and she tells him she’s more than just considering it. He is a little ticked off and says, in an awesome way, “You know what this will mean?” He reminds Bella that if the Cullens bite her, it will nullify the treaty and the werewolves would attack the vampires. (And I will cheer so loudly that my neighbor is going to think I’m watching the end of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, again.) But Bella once again defends the vampires. Jacob gets angrier as Bella keeps prattling on about how the vampires are nice people. She asks Jacob if he would ever forgive her if she became a vampire. He replies, “You won’t be Bella anymore. My friend won’t exist. There’ll be no one to forgive.” I love Jacob. Sure, he sounds like a Star Wars villain in this scene, but that’s OK. Star Wars villains are cool. Plus, Jacob’s right. If bratty Bella wants to be a vampire, then she can’t be friends with Jacob anymore. Deal with it, Belly. Go off to Alaska and eat bears and bigfoots. And then when Edward acts like a strict parent and refuses to let you watch TV because he fears the bright lights might hurt your eyes, you can rush back to Jacob. And Jacob will laugh and say, “Who are you? You’re not Bella. Bella is dead.” And then he will go back to making out with someone better than you (maybe Kristin Bell or a mermaid). Jacob says they can still be friends for a few years, until Bella makes the transformation. She drops a bomb, telling him that her transformation isn’t years away, but a few short weeks from now. Jacob flips out. He bursts a can of soda in his hand, as his body shakes. (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!) His wild eyes focus on Bella, as a growl echoes in his chest. Things

are about to become amazing…and then it stops. Jacob calms himself down. No werewolf!? Agh! I get mad and frustrated. My chest shakes. My hands quiver. If I’m ever going to turn into a werewolf, this is what will set it off! Quickly, I try to flex my calf muscles (where I still believe the werewolf “activate” muscle is located), but nothing happens. Still, my head kind of hurts now, and I think my shins are slightly fuzzier. Eh…it’s a start. I just need more practice. Jacob tries to control himself as Bella explains that she wants to become a vampire right away, before she is too old for Edward. She says, “He’s all I want. What else can I do?” And Jacob once again proves to be the best character in this book (next to Emmett), by saying, “Anything. Anything else. You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.” Take that, little Miss Grumpy Slacks. Bella doesn’t like Jake's response and yells at him before storming off. I’m no werewolf expert (yet), but I don’t think yelling at a werewolf is a good idea, especially one who is already infuriated, and specifically one who just said he’d rather you were dead. Bella rides her motorcycle to the Cullens' house. And I really, really, really don’t want to go any further. Things are about to get lame. The story will drag to a halt. And characters are about to do things that make no sense (which isn’t that much of a surprise in these books). Instead of blogging about what happens next in the book, is it all right if I blog about something more interesting and exciting? Such as botany, or maritime law? See, gang, the thing to remember about maritime law is that cases regarding Limitations of Shipowners Liability must be heard in the federal courts, and should not be handled by state government. I wonder what would happen if a Shipowner was stuck in an elevator with a member of State Government… SHIPOWNER: This elevator is stuck. I’m going to tell you about my Limitations of Shipowners Liability. STATE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Don’t be a fool! That’s a problem for the federal courts! This elevator sure is stuck, huh? Let’s tongue kiss. Screw it. Back to Eclipse… At the Cullen house, Bella finds Alice sitting on her Porsche. Alice doesn’t seem too upset that Bella ran away to La Push. Bella simply goes to bed. She wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Edward in the room with her. And then they kiss for pages and pages. Bella doesn’t seem to mind that the Cullens kidnapped her, held her against her will, and dictated who she can and cannot be friends with. All of those outrages fly right out the window. Because Edward is so freaking hot, she’s not mad at all.

And then Edward changes his mind about holding Bella hostage. He decrees that she can see the werewolves whenever she’d like, and admits he was wrong. What the hell happened? Did I miss the chapter where Jacob knocks some sense into Edward with a sledgehammer? A few days ago, Edward destroyed Bella’s truck to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Yesterday, he had his family conspire in a plot to kidnap Bella in an effort to prevent her from seeing Jacob. But now…he doesn’t care? Maybe next Edward will tell Bella that she doesn’t need to go to college, and instead advises her to become a motorcycle stunt driver or professional cliff diver. During this multi-page love-fest there is a lot of touching, and talk of restraint and selfcontrol. Bella seems anxious to get it on with Edward, but he keeps reminding her that he would kill her if they became too passionate. I doubt that. Bella seems ready to have “naked fun time” with Edward right now, if only he weren’t going to kill her in the process. But what would really happen if Edward and Bella had sex? I’m not interested in the naughty details (OK, maybe a little), but I’m curious how and why Edward would kill her. Would he forget that he loved her, and bite her neck? He’s already bitten her once before, in the first book after the James attack. So I think the guy could control himself a little bit, and not murder his one true love. I think the real reason Edward is denying Bella sex is that he doesn’t know how to do it. I may be wrong, but I think Edward is a 110-year-old virgin. I understand that he wanted to wait for the right person. That’s very noble. But come on, dude! 110 years without so much as a one-night stand? I think there’s something else behind Edward’s chastity. Eddie grew up in a time when sex wasn’t talked about openly. He probably has no idea what to do in the bedroom. For over a century he’s been using his monstrous tendencies as an excuse to avoid sex. The poor guy is just nervous. I imagine when Bella and Edward finally do take things to the next level, it will be awkward, quick, and filled with Edward’s gentle whispers of, “Is that normal? Is that right? That doesn’t feel right. Eww. Please don’t laugh. Are you OK? Is that supposed to happen? Why can’t I stop crying?” Anyway, the cuddle fest continues. Edward apologizes for being mean. Bella apologizes for being dangerous. They murmur and touch and kiss and snuggle. They talk about beds. They talk about passion. And it just keeps going, and going, and going. The chapter ends with Edward humming Bella’s lullaby, and Bella falling fast asleep…despite being sexually frustrated. Glowers: 0 (Book Total: 7 Starting to worry about this one, guys) Murmurs: 4 (Book Total: 23) Prediction: Jacob calls Bella with more news regarding the wolf pack. JACOB: Hey. BELLA: What’s up, dork. Still wish I were dead? JACOB: No. Sorry about that.

BELLA: It’s all good. Want to hold me in a platonic way, later? JACOB: Sure. But can I ask you something first? BELLA: OK. Shoot. JACOB: Will you go with me to Embry’s wedding? BELLA: Embry’s getting married? JACOB: Yeah. He imprinted last night. It’s pretty exciting. BELLA: Who’s the lucky gal? Don’t tell me it’s another baby. JACOB: No. It’s nothing like that. He’s going to marry a wheelbarrow. BELLA:… JACOB: Her name is Karen. BELLA: But…that’s not right. JACOB: I knew you’d act like this. You’re so ignorant, Bella. Embry and Karen love each other. It’s not gross. It’s beautiful. BELLA: I didn’t say it was gross. It’s odd, though. JACOB: He saw her at the garden center, and fell in love instantly. He became very protective of her. It’s kind of sweet. BELLA: Um… JACOB: I can’t believe how judgmental you are. It’s people like you that attacked my great-great grandfather when he married a walrus. And I suppose you think it’s funny that my great uncle dated a pile of leaves named Denise. You just don’t understand werewolf culture, Bella. I hate you! I wish you were dead! By the way, the wedding is this Saturday at my house.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 9 Chapter Nine: Target Better Title: Edward and Jacob are BFFs Not much happened in the first 196 pages of this book, as Bella bounced back and forth between Edward and Jacob like some sort of whiny, unhappy tennis ball. So imagine my surprise when Stephenie Meyer unleashes a literary gimmick called "plot development" in this chapter, and the story finally moved forward. Plus, Emmett shows up! Emmett's back! Hi Emmett! The chapter begins with Bella returning home from her sleepover/hostage situation. Jacob called while she was away, hoping to apologize for what he said the other day. Bella is still ticked off, and isn't ready to let him off the hook. So far, it sounds like a typical chapter. But just when you think Bella will go on for a few dozen pages about friendship and forever buddies, things pick up. She goes to her room and collects laundry, noticing that a few articles of clothing are missing. At first she suspects Alice tossed the clothes in the hamper before kidnapping her. But the clothes are nowhere to be found. She asks her dad if he went into her room while she was gone, and he says he didn't. Thus begins the mystery of the missing clothes! OK. So maybe this isn't exactly the world's greatest thriller. But after reading eight chapters of Bella saying, "I like you. No, now I hate you," even a little bit of suspense is more than welcome. Heck, if this chapter were simply twenty pages of Charlie trying to make popcorn without burning it, I would be on the edge of my seat. Did I mention that Emmett is going to show up? Because he is. And he's even going to say words! Edward rings the doorbell, and Bella answers as her dad watches TV. Edward holds his finger to his lips in a "be quiet" gesture, and uses his vampire speed to race into the house and scope things out. He then pulls Bella into the kitchen. Charlie assumes they are having a fight. But Edward has some scary news. Someone (or something) has been in Bella's house and stolen her clothes. Edward doesn't recognize the scent. So that rules out Victoria. And it wasn't one of the werewolves, because werewolves don't stalk young girls and steal their clothes like perverts. (That's obvious vampire behavior.) Bella worries that it was one of the Volturi

vampires coming to check up on her and make sure she was turned into a vampire. Please tell me it's Marcus (giggle). Edward wants Bella to go with him back to the Cullen house to sort this out. But Bella panics, worried for Charlie's safety. Then Edward says the best thing he has ever said. He picks up his cell phone, dials a number, and simply says, "Emmett." Oh! Hell! Yes! With that simple word, you know that Emmett "The Pain Maker" Cullen will make sure Charlie is safe. Oh, and Jasper comes too. After Edward arranges for Emmett and Jasper to watch over Charlie, he takes Bella to his house, where he wants to have a chat with Alice, because Alice should have seen a vision of the intruder before s/he intruded. Finally, maybe we'll get some answers about Alice's super powers! (Just kidding. Alice's powers are never explained. At all.) At the Cullen Compound, the vampires all look worried and stressed. Alice knows that Edward is angry. She tries to defend herself, saying that it's impossible to watch the entire world with her psychic powers. She is already focusing on the Italian Volturi Vamps, Victoria, and Bella, and she doesn't have enough psychic juice left to keep an eye on Bella's house 24/7. She also claims that if Bella were in any danger, she would have seen a vision of that. (Although, wouldn't Bella need to decide to be in danger for Alice's powers to work?) The idea that this culprit got past Alice's defenses upsets Edward. How did the villain do it? I'm guessing the evil vampire is pretty sneaky. Maybe the e-vamp didn't decide to invade Bella's privacy, and simply did it by accident. That way, Alice wouldn't have a vision. Or perhaps he keeps a baby werewolf in his pocket as a way to shield himself from Alice's powers. The group tries to figure out who would be after Bella. It's not Victoria, because the scent is wrong. It wasn't Aro, because Alice is keeping a close watch on him. It may have been another Volturi, acting on his or her own. Maybe the creepy, child-like Jane. But why would Jane want to terrorize Bella? And it's probably not Marcus, because Marcus is way too busy back in Italy, using his (giggle) powers to (giggle) look at relationships. (It's a very important job, no doubt.) No one can come up with a reasonable answer. But to me, it's very obvious who was after Bella: Mike Newton. He has lusted after Bella since she first showed up in Forks. And I always suspected he was a serial killer. Of all the people in this book, Newton is the one who would love to get a hold of Bella's dirty clothes. Mystery solved! Just call me Sherlock Bergstein. (Kidding. Don't call me that. It will confuse my goldfish, who has the same name, and then eight weeks of fish-training would go down the tubes.) Emmett and Jasper return. The Pain Maker says they tracked the scent but it seems the vampire hopped in a car and sped away. Emmett gives Edward a leaf that has the vampire's scent on it. Edward doesn’t recognize it. So maybe it's not Mike Newton. It could be Mike Newton wearing cologne or a suit made from the flesh of his victims.

Or it's that vampire from Seattle that was mentioned in passing earlier in the book. I'll bet $5 that it's the Seattle vampire. I'm so smart. Call me Batman Bergstein! (Kidding. Don’t call me that. Doing so will power up my voice-activated computer.) Bella worries, and asks that the Cullens transform her into a vampire right away. She thinks this is the only way to keep everyone safe. But Carlisle and the gang refuse, telling Bella she has nothing to worry about. Really? Some vampire was just nosing around in her underpants pile while the Cullens were having a slumber party; I think she has every right to be nervous. If Bella were on fire, Carlisle would simply say, "Don't worry, Bella. You'll be fine. We're all going to watch over you as you burn. There, there, child." Alice then promises, "It's all going to be fine, Bella." Yeah right. Like I'm going to trust the psychic who can't see dogs. Bella, hop on Emmett's back and ride to the werewolves. It's your only hope! Edward takes the nervous Bella home. He says one of his family members will be watching over the house, so she will be safe. Bella goes to bed. As she listens to the heavy rain falling, she feels guilty that one of the Cullens must stand in the rain and watch over her house. But instead of going outside and handing the unlucky bloodsucker an umbrella, she goes to sleep as Edward sings her a lullaby. How inconsiderate. The next day, she tells Edward that she is going to call Jacob and make amends. Edward acts as though this doesn't bother him. In fact, he seems totally cool with the idea of Bella being friends with a werewolf. Bella tells us, "It seemed like Edward really was over the whole anti-werewolf thing." Huh? By "anti-werewolf thing" does she mean the rivalry that has lasted for centuries? The years and years of hatred, fighting, name-calling, and feuding? All of that anger and rage goes out the window because Edward changed his mind? And he changed his mind because…well, we never really know. (Cough Meyer-wrote-herself-into-a-corner Cough). One day Ed hates werewolves. The next day, he thinks they're swell. This would be like me waking up tomorrow and screaming, "Olives are tasty and not gross balls of briny rubber!" That's not going to happen. People don't change their minds about their deep-rooted ideology overnight. The Revolutionary War didn't end because the British thought things over and said, "Hey, America is pretty neat. Let's go home." Star Wars didn't end with the Emperor saying, "I love Jedis!" And Harry Potter didn't end with Voldemort sighing, "Muggles ain't that bad. What's up with my nose, anyway?" This doesn't make sense, and it makes me angry. I want my werewolf/vampire war! I want to see Sam beat the living crap out of Jasper. I want to see Esme drive a tanker truck filled with gas into Sam's house. I want to see Embry choke slam Carlisle into a boulder. I want to see Emmett enter the battle by leaping from a helicopter with a hatchet in each hand, and a big ol' grin on his face. And I want to see Edward curled up behind a tree trying to defend himself with a lullaby as Jacob "The Thunder" Black emerges from the fog. But if I can't have that, I guess a werewolf/vampire team-up wouldn't be too horrible.

Bella calls Jacob, and before she can say a thing, he launches into a excited apology. He's sorry for saying what he said, and will do anything to make it up to her. She forgives him, and he asks her to come over and hang out. Bella tells him that now is not a good time. She's about to explain the intruder situation, but Edward asks for the phone. She hands it over to Eddie, and he begins to chat politely with Jacob. Unfortunately, we only hear Edward's side of the conversation, so I had to use my imagination to fill in what Jacob said. Below are Edward's exact words from the book, coupled with how I envision Jacob responded. EDWARD: Hello Jacob. JACOB: What's up, Ed-turd? EDWARD: Someone was here—not a scent I know. JACOB: Why don't you write a lullaby about it? EDWARD: Has your pack come across anything new? JACOB: Man, I don't know. When we're soaring above the trees with our jetpacks, we see all kinds of crazy crap. Bring Bella over to my house. I want to kiss her. EDWARD: Here's the crux, Jacob. I won't be letting Bella out of my sight till I get this taken care of. It's nothing personal— JACOB: No, here's the crux, crux-boy. I can name all the state capitals. I bet you can't. EDWARD: You might be right— JACOB: I know I'm right, monkey-muncher. Now why don't you shut the hell up and give me $50, or else I'll cram a lit match in your eye. EDWARD: That's an interesting suggestion. We're quite willing to renegotiate. If Sam is amenable. JACOB: Oh, I think Sam will be "amendable." You sound like a d-bag. EDWARD: Thank you. JACOB: Are you taking Bella to the see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakel? EDWARD: I'd planned to go alone, actually. And leave her with the others. JACOB: You're such a fan boy. I bet you'll love the movie. EDWARD: I'll try to consider it objectively. As objectively as I'm capable of. JACOB: I wish hotdogs were flat like hamburgers. EDWARD: That's not a half-bad idea. When? JACOB: All the time, I guess. You sound scared. [IN MOCKING TONE] Do you want me to come over and hold your hand? EDWARD: No, that's fine. I'd like a chance to follow the trail personally, anyway. JACOB: How long does it take you to tie your shoes? EDWARD: Ten minutes. JACOB: Say "certainly" or I'll kill your brain. EDWARD: Certainly. JACOB: Put Bella back on the phone, so I can French kiss her with my voice. Edward then gives the phone back to Bella. My version of the conversation might not be 100% accurate, but the monsters do seem to be teaming up. And that means Emmett and Jacob will team up! You can almost smell the jetpack fumes mixed with sword-polish in the air. This will be awesome! Though I'm probably getting my hopes up, and when Jacob and Emmett do unite for justice, it will not involve dynamite, nunchucks, swords, and flying kicks. Still…a man can hope. You can't take that away from me. Please don't take that away from me. Please?

Jacob tells Bella that she might see a giant wolf lurking near her house, because he's going to check things out. He says he'll be at her house in a few minutes. And like that (SNAPS FINGERS) this book finally has a plot. Glowers: 1 (Book Total 8) Murmurs: 2 (Book Total 26) Prediction: The werewolves and the vampires get along wonderfully. They have pool parties, go shopping together, and even form a bowling team. Things are going so great that Bella feels left out. To make matters worse, the monsters start making fun of her behind her back. SAM: And then Bella was curled up in a ball in the forest when I found her. I'm not kidding! She was literally curled up. ESME: Ha! That's such a Bella thing to do. What a melodramatic dork. ROSALIE: Hey guys. Guys. Guess who I am, OK? Ready? "Waah! I can have babies and eat food. My life is horrible. Waah!" [EVERYONE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING] QUIL: You should have seen her on the motorcycle. I've seen toddlers with better balance. And I would know. I'm dating one! [MORE LAUGHTER] EDWARD: This one time, we were touching faces, and she had this glob of spit in the corner of her mouth, and I… [BELLA COMES WALKING INTO THE ROOM] BELLA: Hey guys. What's up. [AWKWARD SILENCE] EDWARD: Oh. Uh…nothing. We were just making plans to take down the evil vampire. You know….monster business. BELLA: Oh. OK. [BELLA LEAVES THE ROOM] EDWARD: So anyway, this dollop of spittle is like, staring at me. It was so gross! I named the spit glob "Leroy." [EVERYONE LAUGHS]

Blogging Eclipse: Part 10 Chapter Ten: Scent Better Title: I Wish It Were Chapter 11 We're going to a Werewolf Party! Well, not really. But at the end of this chapter, Bella is headed out to La Push to a bonfire party with Jacob and the other werewolves. So that means we're invited too! Werewolf Party! Oh man, it's going to be awesome, with hot dogs, and jetpacks, and marshmallows, and crossbow fights, and music, and blowing up old cars with dynamite. Unfortunately, we have to slog through this boring chapter before we can go have fun. Edward leaves Bella's house because Jacob is coming over to pick up the scent of the evil vampire. Before leaving, Edward leans in and breathes on Bella's hair and neck. It's passionate, but the real reason he does this is that he wants Jacob to catch a whiff of vampire stink on Bella. I'm surprised Edward doesn't pee on her as well. Do vampires pee? We've already talked about this, haven't we? Eh, whatever. We're going to a Werewolf Party! Jacob arrives, surprising Bella in the kitchen with his stealthy moves. She had forgotten that he moves like the wind. She describes how super-sexy he looks. He's wet and naked except for a pair of cutoff jean shorts. His muscles glisten in the soft glow of the kitchen light. His scruffy hair is just begging to be mussed. He stands before Bella like an animal, his warm body…um…never mind. Anyway, Jacob is standing there. (And I'm straight.) Jake notices Bella gawking at his half-naked body and says it's easier to carry around a pair of shorts instead of a full ensemble while he's in wolf form. He points out the rope around his leg, and says he uses it to carry his clothes while he's a wolf, because it's not easy to carry denim in his mouth. (Preaching to the choir, my man. Preaching to the choir.) Jacob goes up to Bella's room to catch a whiff of the e-vamp, and quickly returns, scaring Bella once again with his speed and stealth. He apologizes and offers to help her with the dishes. He asks her what it's like to date a vamp, and she mockingly says, "It's the best." I dig Bella's feisty side. I wish we saw it more often. You know what else I wish we saw more often? Snowmobile chases.

Jacob pushes the issue, wanting to know if Bella is ever freaked out by the idea of dating a monster. He asks if she's ever kisses Edward. She says she has, and Jacob asks, "You don't worry about fangs?" She punches his arm playfully and reminds us all that vampires don't have fangs. Anyway, what do you think I should wear to the werewolf party? I want to look good, but not like I'm trying to look good. Plus, I don’t want to be the only one there wearing a sweater if everyone else is going to be wearing T-shirts and capes. Do you think I have time to squeeze in a haircut and grow a cool beard? Jacob asks when, exactly, Bella will become a vampire, and she tells him it will be her graduation present from the Cullens. He becomes lost in thought while washing a kitchen knife, and accidentally slices his hand. Bella panics like a maniac for a few paragraphs as she tries to wrap up his hand. We all know that Bella doesn't like the sight of blood. (Maybe she'll starve to death when she's a vampire.) But this scene is pointless. Werewolves have fast-healing abilities, which Bella knows because she saw Jacob use the power after scuffling with Paul in the last book. So why is she so worked up? It seems like she often forgets that Jacob is a werewolf. She's always worried about him fighting Victoria, or getting a cut on his hand. I'm surprised that every time she sees Jacob she doesn't scream, "Oh my god! You're so tall and muscular. What the hell is up with that?" If Bella was being attacked by a mountain lion, and Jacob was nearby, she'd probably scream, "Run, Jacob! You and your mortal flesh are no match for this mountain lion. Save yourself!" And then Jacob would wolf-out and swallow the mountain lion whole, as Bella casually said, "Oh yeah. You can do that. I forgot. N'mind. Let's not kiss." Jacob tries to calm down the hysterical Bella by showing her that the wound has already healed. He then reminds her that he is a werewolf, and that she should have known about the fast-healing power because of the Paul/Jacob smackdown. Oh crap! I'm going to meet Paul at the party. I hope I don't make him angry. Maybe I should bake him a ham. Wolves like ham, right? That wolf who blew down all those pig houses seemed to enjoy pig meat. So ham it is. Since Jacob is fine, Bella sets about cleaning up the floor. She doesn't want Edward to come in and smell all the blood. This is another sign that she lives to serve her controlling boyfriend. You know it's time to end things with your forever buddy if you catch yourself saying: "Oh, I need to clean up because Edward likes things tidy." "Oh, I can't leave blood on the floor or Edward will get angry." "Oh, I better not have friends, because Edward frowns upon friendship." "Oh, I've wasted my teenage years worshipping at the feet of a manipulative lullaby author, when I could have been out having fun." Bella, Bella, Bella. I feel sorry for you. And when we're at the Werewolf Party, I'm probably not going to hang out with you, because I'll be too busy launching fireworks with Sam. I bet Sam has crazy-good fireworks, the illegal kind, the kind you can only get in Mexico or sketchy parts of New Jersey.

As they clean, Jacob asks Bella how she feels about having a werewolf friend. She says she loves it, but only when the werewolf is "being nice." Jacob then hugs Bella vigorously. When he smells Edward's breath on her hair, he makes a disgusted sound. As he gets ready to leave, he invites Bella to a party at La Push. Werewolf Party! I'm not sure if I'll need it, but I'm going to bring a helmet. Who am I kidding? Of course I'll need it! Werewolf Party! Jacob says that if Bella comes to the party, she could meet Kim (who I assume is Jared's imprint mate). He says Quil wants to see her because he's a bit upset that she found out about werewolves before him. Uh-oh. There might be tension at the Werewolf Party. That's OK. I won't notice because I'll be too busy playing Laser Tag with Embry. I'm sure the werewolves have Laser Tag. Bella says she's not sure about going to the party, because things are dangerous, and because she's a moron. But Jacob says she'll be in the company of six rad-tacular werewolves, so she'll be safe. She thinks it over and then says, "I'll ask." Looks like she still needs to get Edward's authorization whenever she wants to have fun. I hope Bella isn't allowed to come. She's just going to ruin things by acting sad, and when I'm singing TV show theme songs on Paul's karaoke machine, and the moment comes during the theme from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" when I point the microphone towards the crowd and ask everyone to join in, she's going to kill my buzz and ruin my flow with her sad, whiny face. And then she'll say, "Um. I don't know the words?" Shut up Bella! Everyone knows the words. As soon as Jacob is out the door, the awful Edward returns. He brings in Bella's mail and shows her a big, fat envelope from Dartmouth, which he assumes is her acceptance letter. Bella is taken aback; she told Edward that applying to Dartmouth was futile because she couldn't afford the tuition even if she was accepted. But Edward wants to pay. She says she won’t let him throw away money simply so she can pretend to go to college for one year. I'm confused. I assumed Bella was actually going to go to college, and that there she would be transformed into a vampire, safely away from her dad. But now it sounds like Bella is going to pretend to go college, while secretly becoming a vampire and doing nothing else. Wait. Why am I worrying about this? We're going to a Werewolf Party next week! I'm bringing a change of shoes, because you know something awesome/destructive is going to happen to my shoes at some point. Edward says that coming up with cover stories becomes easier after a few decades, when everyone you know dies off. Bella flinches at the thought of watching her family die before her eyes. I flinch at the thought of not being able to stay awake for the entire Werewolf Party, because you know werewolf parties begin at fun o'clock and don't end until question mark. Bella changes the subject, asking Edward what Alice did with the clothes missing from her room. What? Didn't we already figure out that the e-vamp stole the clothes? I thought

this part of the mystery was solved. Has Bella forgotten that her room was invaded by a vampire? I guess so. Edward is shocked by the news that Bella's clothes are missing. He tells her that the vampire must have wanted her scent. (Or Mike Newton needed a costume for the lifesized Bella doll he made out of animal skulls.) Then Eddie's phone rings. It's not Emmett. It's Carlisle. He tells Edward some news, and Edward tells him about Bella's missing clothes. After hanging up, Edward looks for the newspaper and finds the article that Carlisle must have told him about over the phone. The Seattle killer is adding to his list of victims, and the haphazard behavior of this newborn vampire worries Edward. He thinks this vampire is unaware of the Volturi code of conduct. The Volturi don't mind if vampires kill innocent people, but they ask that the vampires do so secretively, so as not to reveal themselves to the world. The newborn vampire is drawing too much attention, and if s/he keeps it up, the Volturi will come to Seattle and handle the situation. I hope Marcus (tee-hee) comes to America. (I want to ask him if this girl I had a crush on in the third grade liked me back.) If the Volturi come to Seattle, it makes sense that they would swing past Forks and check up on Bella's vampire status. Edward tells Bella that Alice is keeping a close eye on the Seattle situation. (So does that mean she's not watching over Bella any more?) The Cullens don’t want to confront the newborn vampire until it's "absolutely necessary." Put another way: The Cullens don’t give a rat's ass if innocent people are being killed in Seattle, unless Bella's safety is in jeopardy. Way to go, Cullens. We humans salute thee. You are the real heroes. (Sarcasm hand raised.) Edward says Jasper will be able to help, since he is somehow a newborn vampire expert. Jasper may convert, or at least calm down, this newborn. Bella wants to know why Jasper is an expert, but Edward simply says it's a long story. (And I'm guessing we're in for a dreary, chapter-length tale about Jasper's tragic life, a tale that will involve the death of loved ones and the loss of [dramatic pause]…innocence.) Edward says, "You have something you want to ask me?" He knows that Jacob invited Bella to a Werewolf Party, and seems to enjoy making her nervously beg for permission. He holds her chin (another sign of an ugly, abusive relationship) and says, "Would you like to go?" She answers with a pathetic, "It's no big thing. Don't worry about it." No big thing? It's a Werewolf Party! It's the biggest, best thing in the world next to eating pancakes on a rollercoaster while listening to an unreleased Beatles double album and sitting beside Amy Adams! Edward then says, "You don't have to ask my permission, Bella. I'm not your father." Ha! I bet $500 bajillion dollars that if Bella didn't ask permission and then went to the party, Ed would flip out, kidnap (and murder) all of her family members, and then burn down the forest trying to find her.

Bella wants to go to the party (naturally) and Edward says she can go, but only if he drives her himself, and she takes a cell phone with her. That sounds a bit father-ish to me. But who cares? Do you think there will be a big catapult at the Werewolf Party? That's a silly question. Let me rephrase. How many big catapults will there be at the Werewolf Party? Bella calls Jake, who is thrilled that she is coming to the party. She decides to take her motorcycle back to La Push, "where it belonged." She has Edward take her to the Cullen house, where she parked the bike. In the garage, she notices a large, expensive new motorcycle sitting next to her beat-up, smaller motorcycle. Edward reluctantly says he bought the motorcycle for himself. He knows that she loved riding motorcycles with Jacob, and hoped that she would ride with him too. Awww…how desperate and clingy. But the sight of the big, shiny motorcycle next to her crummy, smaller bike upsets Bella. It reminds her of what it must look like when she stands next to Edward. He is so great. She is so not-great. We've been over this a billion times now. Bella doesn't like the idea of riding motorcycles with Edward. She doesn't think she can keep up with his high-performance machine. This is symbolic of her relationships and friendships, and blah blah blah. Edward reads between the lines and sighs, "This is something you do with Jacob. I see that now." Poor Edward got shot down. Boo-hoo. He might also want to reconsider buying that fancy crystal outdoor spaghetti plate. Because eating outdoor spaghetti is a Jacob-Only activity. You don't see Jacob rushing out to the office supply store to buy lullaby paper, do you? Edward gives Bella a new red helmet and a riding jacket to keep her safe. She tries them on and thinks she looks "hideous," but Edward says she looks sexy in her new gear. I believe this is the first time some form of the word "sex" has been used in this series. How scandalous. He can't kiss her with the helmet on, so that comes right off and they smooch. Edward drives her to La Push with the motorcycle in the back of the car. They reach the werewolf territory and see Jacob leaning against his Volkswagen. Ed says goodbye, but Bella notices a look of worry or panic in his eyes. Jacob is happy to see Bella bringing her bike back to La Push. He hugs her, and Edward drives away. Jacob and Bella then head to the Werewolf Party, where there will be fire, and canons, and trucks flying off ramps, and shark tanks, and free rhino rides, and Emmett, and Weezer, and giant water slides, and delicious cakes, and trampoline basketball courts, and pirate ships, and rockets… Glowers: 1 (Book Total 9) Murmurs: 5 (Book Total 31) Prediction: The Werewolf Party will be disappointing.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 11 Chapter Eleven: Legends Better Title: The Legend of Smart Air There are no fireworks at the Werewolf Party. No trucks launching off ramps. No cakes. No dynamite. No rockets. There are no sword fighting tournaments, or chainsaw duels. No one soared in a hot air balloon, jetpack, or stealth helicopter. There may have been a game of kickball, but it was not mentioned, and it's not likely that the game was played with a ball made of fire and spikes. There were no rhinoceroses, not even a baby one. If Weezer was rocking out live on stage, Stephenie Meyers failed to tell us. All in all, the Werewolf Party was rather bland. I've been to banks that were more intense. I started to suspect that the werewolf party would fail to meet my expectations when the chapter began with Paul and Jacob fighting over a hot dog instead of arguing over who got to drive the hover-truck next. Jacob lets Paul eat the last hot dog, and Bella finds herself at ease with the group of werewolves. Other party guests include Emily, Billy, Sue Clearwater, Old Quil (which is what I call expired cough medicine), and some kids whose names I forget. Sam's former girlfriend Leah is there too, along with Jared's imprint-buddy Kim. I guess Quil's twoyear-old girlfriend couldn't make it because she was busy learning her shapes. Or maybe she's in timeout for getting chocolate on mommy's piano. Bella notices that it's getting late, and says she better get going. But Jacob stops her, saying, "The best part is coming." At first, I thought this meant someone would bring out the go-karts and Jenga and everyone would play Go-Kart Jenga (I don't really know how one would play Go-Kart Jenga, but I'm dying to find out.) Instead, Billy and Old Quil tell stories for the next 25 pages. During story time, Emily takes detailed notes, which I find odd since werewolf culture is super-secret. I guess they're going to kill Emily later. Poor Emily. The first story goes something like this: A long time ago, the Quileute tribe could enter the spirit world, leaving their bodies behind for short periods of time. While in spirit form, they could control the wind, communicate with animals, and…well, that's about all they could do. People who entered

the spirit world were called Spirit Warriors. I call them Smart Air, or Smair for short. And now every time a breeze rushes past me, I say, "Hello Smair." So one day the Quileute guys were being pushed around by a larger tribe. Instead of running away, the Quileute leader named Kaheleha had his army of young dudes transform into a Smair and chat with the nearby wolves and bats, telling the animals to attack and murder the evil invaders. Billy says, "The dogs and bats won." Being killed by dogs and bats is a harsh way to go. I believe that's how James Dean died. So sad. After the wolf/bat attack, the other neighboring tribes feared the Quileute and no one tried to take over the Quileute land again. With me so far? If you need a snack, go get one now. There are more stories to tell. (And none of them involve robots, FYI.) OK, so the Quileute guys could become Smart Air, and talk to animals and blow on things. Everything was peachy. As the years passed a new chief took over. His name was Taha Aki, which sounds like a flamboyant man calling something "tacky." Mr. Aki was wise and great and everyone thought he was super cool. Everyone except Utlapa. Utlapa was a strong spirit warrior, which means, I guess, that when he became Smart Air he could blow really, really hard and talk with animals, really, really well. Utlapa thought the Quileute should use their Smart Air abilities to invade nearby lands. Hmm…someone becoming greedy with power. I wonder how this will end. When the men were in Smart Air form, they could read each others' minds (Duh. This is Twilight, and everyone that isn't human in Twilight can read minds, even the air.). So when the guys were chilling out as Smart Air, blowing down houses and gabbing with squirrels, they saw that Utlapa was thinking of using his power for evil. The tribe tossed Utlapa out of the group and forbade him from using his Smart Air power. One day, the chief went out on his usual trip to make sure the tribe was safe. On these trips he would go to a secret place, leave his physical body, and then watch over the tribe as Smart Air. Utlapa spotted Chief Taha Aki and followed him to the secret spot. When Chief Aki became Smart Air and left his body, Utlapa transformed into a Smart Air and jumped into Chief Aki's body. Then he killed his original body so that Smart Air Aki couldn't use it. With me? So Utlapa was now inside the body of Chief Aki, and the real Chief Aki was stuck as Smart Air. Utlapa used this disguise to trick the members of the tribe. Everyone assumed he was the real Chief, and followed his new rules and regulations. Utlapa used his power for evil. He was ruthless. He was a tyrant. He was vicious! He took many wives…and…well, that's about the extent of Utlapa's reign of terror. Not exactly the world's most infamous dictator, was he? The villainous Utlapa could have at least started a war or two. Or maybe ordered slaves to build a temple in his honor. Doing anything evil would have been better than simply acting like Tiger Woods. (Second Tiger Woods joke in these blogs. One more and it's a hat trick!) Meanwhile, the real Chief Aki was stuck in the spirit world, with no way to communicate with his people and tell them the truth. This doesn’t make sense. The dude can talk to

animals when he's Smart Air. It's one of two special powers (along with blowing). People are animals with better haircuts. So why couldn't Aki talk to the members of his tribe? Unless…THE QUILEUTE ARE ROBOTS?! No, that would be too awesome. The real reason why he couldn't communicate with humans is…I dunno…let's chalk it up to a prophecy and move on. Cool? Smart Air Aki moped around the spirit world. A wolf noticed and followed him. And then, the brilliant Smart Air Aki came up with a great plan. He told the wolf, "Hey, shove over. I'm going to posses your body. Make some room in there." (I'm paraphrasing here.) The wolf didn't seem to mind, and Aki crammed his Smart Air form into the wolf somehow. If I'm going to share the body with an animal, I'd chose one that could use tools, such as monkey, or one that could talk, like a parrot, or a talking falcon. But Aki chose to posses a wolf. The wolf walked to the village and howled the songs of the tribe. The men realized something was up, and one member of the tribe disobeyed Utlapa's order and entered the spirit world to figure out what was going on. The evil Utlapa came out of his hut and saw that one of the men had turned into Smart Air, so he sliced the throat of the guy who was in the spirit world, thus making sure the secret was kept safe. The wolf (who had Mr. Aki's Smart Air inside it) saw all of this and became so angry and frustrated that it transformed into a man. Helpful Hint: If you are being attacked by a wolf, piss it off. There could be Smart Air trapped inside the wolf, and if you upset the wolf enough, it may turn into a man, and then you could talk or tickle your way out of trouble. The other men of the tribe recognized that this man/wolf was their true chief, and that Utlapa had deceived them. Utlapa ran for it, but the wolfman had super strength and killed Utlapa before he got away. Then the werewolf version of Chief Aki became the tribe's leader. No one attempted to become Smart Air ever again, because it was too dangerous. Years passed, and Chief Aki had many sons. When these boys became old enough, they also had the ability to transform into wolves. And that's the origin of the werewolves. Bella realizes that the werewolves are all descendants of Chief Aki. According to Billy, some of Aki's sons didn't like being werewolves (morons), and remained in their human form. If a werewolf remained human, he aged normally. But those who changed back and forth between wolf and human stopped aging. Aki was a werewolf and remained the same age for decades, outliving his first and second wife. His third wife was his imprint buddy. He fell for her hard, and decided to stop becoming a wolf so that he would age along with her. And with that Billy shuts up. And Old Quil begins his story. Let's take a break here. Go to the bathroom if you need to. I'll wait. Just kidding, I'm totally not waiting! Ha! (Sorry, but the sooner I get this finished, the sooner I will get to Breaking Dawn, where I'm told everything becomes ridiculous. Can't wait!)

Old Quil's story is also about Chief Aki. Years after Aki gave up werewolfing, trouble sprouted in the north. Young women from the Makah tribe were being abducted. The Makah blamed the Quileute, because the Quileute had the supernatural power needed to abduct young women. Hmm…who else loves to creep around innocent young women? Since Mike Newton wasn't born yet, I'll say it's the work of passionate, icky vampires. And I'm right! But before everyone realized this, Aki sent his werewolf sons to investigate. The vampire killed the werewolves, and left no witnesses. More young women went missing. And once again the werewolves went hunting for the culprit. Of those that went on the hunt, only one badass, amazing werewolf returned. His name is Yaha Uta, but let's just call him Emmett Black. Emmett Black and his brothers found the vampire drinking the blood of the young women. When the vampire noticed the wolves, a battle ensued. The first wolves to attack were quickly killed by this vampire, whose name was probably Francesco or Giovanni or Ludwig. But Emmett Black was smart. He and his brother attacked strategically instead of just charging ahead. EB's brother was killed, but when the vampire was busy murdering his sibling, Emmett Black chomped down on the vamp's neck, and as Old Quil put it, "ripped the creature into unrecognizable chunks, tearing pieces apart in a desperate attempt to save his brother." It's been a while, but I finally found a reason to fist-bump the book again, and not out of frustration or as a way to keep me awake. We haven't seen any werewolf action since the wolves saved Bella from Laurent. And this scene is better because it includes the words "ripped," "chunks," and "tearing." The good news was that the vampire was killed. The bad news was that Emmett Black was the last werewolf left in the tribe. The lone warrior who had to defend his people from evil. He was their only hope. He was their armor. He was their shield. He was… Emmett "The Hell Hound" Black [CUE SOUND OF THUNDER MIXED WITH A SAD RAIN]. But the dead vampire had a forever buddy, of course. This female vampire, probably named Genevieve or Guinevere or Belladonna, wanted revenge for the death of her lover. Is seeking revenge the only thing evil female vampires do in this book? This vampire invaded the village and asked a question in a voice that no one could understand (perhaps she had a difficult-to-decipher Scottish accent). The Quileute didn't know how to answer, and the vampire-lady became angry and started killing. Chief Aki came running as his son Emmett Black transformed into a wolf to protect the people. Some of the tribe members ran for their boats, but the vampire swam after them like a shark and killed them. When she saw the wolf on the shore, she swam towards it. When she was face to fur with Emmett Black, she asked her "incomprehensible question" once again. I wonder what she's asking? Perhaps she wanted to know:

Do you think I'm pretty? What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? If everyone exhaled at the exact same time, would it create a breeze? Want to see how high I can jump? What's up with Alice's powers? Emmett Black didn't answer the mysterious question, because Emmett Black doesn't answer…he acts. The vampire and the werewolf fought. But Emmett Black died. Poor, poor Emmett Black. Chief Aki, who I thought had sworn off werewolfing, became furious and transformed into an old, white werewolf and attacked the vampire. Aki's wife saw all of this, and knew that she must create a distraction if her husband was going to have a chance at killing the vampire. She wanted to get the vampire's attention, and was willing to sacrifice herself if it meant her tribe would be safe. So Aki's wife, who apparently was also an idiot, took a knife and stabbed herself in the heart. It worked. The hungry vampire turned towards the dying, bleeding woman, and Chief Aki took his chance and bit the vampire's neck. Of course, Aki's wife could have simply given herself a paper cut and gotten the same response from the vampire. Or, if she needed more blood, why not lop off a pinky or two? Or she could have flapped her arms and screamed, "Boogey woogey woogey." You didn't need to stab your own heart, you dolt. How does this make sense? I will give a cyber-high-five to anyone who can explain to me the logic behind Mrs. Aki's sacrifice. Anyway, the vampire dies, Mrs. Aki dies, the people are safe, and the widowed Chief Aki leaves the tribe because he's all sad and junk. The younger sons of Aki became werewolves and looked after the tribe. Every once in long while a vampire would pop up, and the werewolves would attack. They learned how to fight and how to be better vampire hunters. As time passed, the werewolf gene would only be activated if a vampire was near. And then Carlisle and his clan of fools showed up. (In my head they came to town on a goofy bicycle-built-for-six, while Emmet rode a black stallion while wearing a badass cowboy hat and carrying an ax.) Jacob's great-grandfather was the leader of the tribe at this point, and was going to kill the Cullens. But Carlisle reasoned with the werewolves and the treaty was made. With story time over, Bella tries to make sense of everything. She thinks back to Aki's third wife, the idiot who killed herself for no reason. In Bella's mind, this human was the real hero of the story, and Bella wishes someone had remembered her name. (It's probably Helen. A lot of people were named Helen way back when.) Bella feels a real connection with this woman, because they are both dimwitted, over-passionate mortals who lack any common sense.

Bella falls asleep and wakes up in Jacob's car. This is rather odd, don't you think? Maybe the werewolf guys had some beer at the party and Bella had too much to drink, or maybe this chapter bored Bella so much that she passed out. Jacob is a nice guy about the situation. He calls Edward to tell him that Bella is on her way home. At the edge of the werewolf territory, Edward is waiting to pick Bella up. She rushes into his arms, and he drives her home. Bella drifts off to sleep and has another dream. I'm sure it was very symbolic and crap, but I didn't pay attention. This chapter is already too long, and I can't wait to get to Breaking Dawn. By the way, who is Dawn? Please tell me it's Edward's new nickname. I can't wait to see him breaking. Glowers: 1 (Book total 10) Murmurs: 2 (Book total 33) Prediction: The next day Bella and Edward talk about werewolves. BELLA: And then Billy told us about super intelligent wind that this one dog ate, and that's how werewolves were born. EDWARD: I hate werewolves. BELLA: I know you do. But why? EDWARD: Because… BELLA: Because why? I understand why the werewolves hate vampires. Those evil vampires ate up most of their people. But why do vampires hate werewolves? EDWARD: They smell bad. BELLA: You hate them because they smell bad? EDWARD: And sometimes they hurt girls named Emily. That ain't cool, man. BELLA: Agreed. But that was an accident. Your race of monsters massacred the Quileute people… EDWARD: Yeah…well…Werewolves are always like, "Blah, blah, blah…I'm so warm. I eat lots of food. I wear short pants in winter." I hate that. BELLA: But that's hardly reason enough to despise them. I really think you're being childish. EDWARD: Nu-uh! BELLA: But you don’t have any real reason to hate werewolves. EDWARD: Uh-huh. Werewolves once at a thousand babies. BELLA: Edward? Are you making things up? EDWARD: No. And this other time, I saw the werewolves peeing on poor people. It was before you came here. BELLA: Maybe I'll just ask Carlisle about that, and see what EDWARD: No, you can't! Carlisle wasn't there. He was at…the market. BELLA: Uh-huh. Then I'll ask Esme. She can tell me if— EDWARD: But Esme wasn't there either. It was just me, and my one friend who you don't know. His name is Louis. He lives in Mexico. You can't call him because he doesn't have a phone because the werewolves stole it to buy drugs and then gave the drugs to kids to get the kids hooked on drugs. BELLA: …

EDWARD: Wanna smell me? BELLA: [SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT]

Blogging Eclipse: Part 12 Chapter Twelve: Time Better Title: If You Marry a Vampire in High School, You Might be a Redneck After blogging Chapter Eleven, I was exhausted and on the verge of giving up. But I'm not a quitter. I may be lazy, tiny-wristed, stubborn, loud, tall, roguishly handsome, and sometimes thirsty. But I'm not a quitter. So I shall push on. For the sake of motivation, after I complete each blog, I will reward myself with ten minutes of free time and a bowl of celebratory ice cream soup (recipe: Slowly mash regular ice cream into a thick paste. Eat.) This chapter starts with Alice and Edward teasing Bella. The Cullens are going to throw her a graduation party, and she isn't thrilled with the idea. Bella's idea of fun is sitting in the dark, toying with Jacob's emotions, or making lasagna for her dad. Going to parties isn't her cup of tea. But the Cullens are forcing her to have a party, because the Cullens love to manipulate and enslave their pet Bella. Alice thanks Bella for the lovely graduation gift, which is odd since Bella hasn't bought Alice anything yet. Oh, wait—Alice used her powers to see the future and saw what Bella is getting her. Ho-ho! Alice is so playful and cute. (I'm rolling my eyes with annoyance… and trying to wiggle my ears with annoyance as well.) Hey Alice, can you see the present I'm going to give you? No, it's not my ring finger. But you're very close. Bella thinks graduation is a month or more away. Alice points to a poster in the school hallway, and Bella is shocked to learn that graduation is in two weeks. I know Bella has had many wild adventures the past year, from going to Italy, to…um…that's about it. Anyway, Bella lost track of time somehow. She is scared because after she graduates, Carlisle will turn her into a vampire. And she isn't sure if she's ready for the big change. Wha-wha-wha-WHAT?

For the past two and half books, all Belly did was whine about being human, and whine that no one will transform her into a vampire, and whine that everyone is better than her. And now she's not sure she wants to be a vampire? I can relate. When I was little, I really wanted a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. It was this toy that would crush ice cubes and dump the resulting ice chunks into a paper cup. You would then add flavored syrup to the ice and enjoy. I begged for it like a maniac. Finally my parents said I was going to get one for Christmas. But on Christmas morning, I cried in my bed because I knew I wasn't ready to make Sno-Cones. I couldn't handle the pressure, the responsibility, the lifestyle change. It was all too much. So Bella, I feel your pain. (Sarcasm hand raised.) Of course I didn't cry! You know what I did that Christmas? I ran downstairs before anyone else was awake, tore open the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker, and gorged myself on homemade snow cones and melted ice cube water for hours. It was bliss! Argh! I hate you, Bella Swan! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate your stupid mood swings. I hate that you think Edward is neat. I hate that you can't see how rad Jacob is. I hate that one moment you're the smartest girl in all the land, and the next moment you can't remember what month it is. I hate that you're mature enough to take care of your parents, but so immature that you think it's flipping awesome when someone kidnaps you. I hate that you want to throw away your education, your future, your entire life just for the sake of some good-looking smelly monster. I hate your thoughts. I hate your dependence on others. I hate that you never scream and yell at Edward for treating you like a hamster. I hate that you left the Volturi Victims to die, and have never mentioned them or lost sleep over it since. I hate your shoes, because they're probably stupid. I hate the way you probably add an extra syllable to the word "theater." I hate you so much it hurts my hair. Agh! And now, after saying something negative, most therapists agree it's important to say something positive. So Bella, I like your truck very much. And I bet your lasagna doesn't taste bad. We cool? Anyway, Bella isn't sure she's prepared to become a vampire. She doesn't know how she will leave her dad, tell her mom goodbye, and ditch Jacob. Entering this new life terrifies her, but on the other hand, she doesn't have much of a choice. If she stays human, Victoria (who I cannot believe hasn't been killed yet), the Volturi, or the Seattle vampire will probably murder her. Plus, as a human, Bella is getting older, and she can't stand the idea of getting older. So silly Bella sits and stares off into space as she thinks about the situation. Finally, Edward snaps her out of it, and she tells him she's scared of becoming a vampire. He says that's a clear sign that she's not ready. Wait. Are we talking about becoming a vampire, or are we talking about having s-e-x for the first time? Ohmygosh! Did you guys realize that becoming a vampire is kind of, sort of, a metaphor for losing one's virginity? Wow…this

is deep, and will help flesh out my doctoral thesis entitled, Vampires Are All Symbolic and Crap. Edward is confident that the Cullens will handle any threat against Bella, so she shouldn't feel pressured into becoming a vampire just because she's worried about being attacked. In fact, he wants Bella to wait until all this mess with the bad vamps has blown over. (Which, judging by the pace of these books, won't happen until Twilight Volume 23: Lazy Mid-Afternoon.) Bella feels more at ease knowing her transformation may be postponed. She asks if Edward knows about Alice's vision concerning the gift Bella will be giving her. Edward says in the vision, Bella bought Edward and Alice concert tickets. Though it's not revealed what concert they will be attending, I think it's safe to assume the only music these vampires enjoy is either harpsichord tunes or some non-threatening pop band such as Mandy Moore or The Wiggles. (Though I suspect Emmett listens to classic rock, hardcore metal, and Justin Timberlake. What? JT has some good songs. Stop looking at me like that. And no, you cannot see what's on my iPod. Forget I brought this up, OK?) She then asks a more serious question: Why doesn't Edward want her to become a vampire? He gives an explanation, and I don't really pay attention. His reason probably has something to do with desire or innocence. It has nothing to do with robots, because I would have noticed that. Edward then asks Bella why she won't marry him. In her mind, getting married at the age of 18 is what white trash, dumb girls do. Whoa! Nice stereotyping, Bella. I'm surprised she didn't add, "On, and by the way, I think all Irish people drink too much, and every Asian is good at math." Bella goes on about how she never wanted to be "that girl," the one who gets married right after high school. She says in the modern world, only immature, stupid rednecks are married at the age of 18 (paraphrasing), and she doesn't want society to look down on her. Um…yeah. If society is going to look down on you, Bella, it won't be because you were a teen bride. It will be because you now belong to a race of monsters responsible for countless murders of innocent people. I love the idea of a redneck Bella and Edward living in a trailer and fighting over money. BELLA: Edward, you get a job today? EDWARD: I can't get no job with my back. You know that! Where's my bear blood, I'm starving. BELLA: We out of bear blood. Gonna have squirrel blood for dinner. Put a shirt on! EDWARD: I wish I married Angela... And then someone would wrestle something. Edward doesn't understand Bella's reasoning, and I see his point. He brings up the same argument I made a few blogs ago, that if Bella is willing to spend eternity with him, what difference does it make to marry him too? Besides, everyone she knows will be dead and buried soon. She shouldn't care what they think. If Edward and Bella get married, they

can spend the rest of existence walking through magical meadows, playing loud baseball, and finally touching more than just faces. He says that if they both were human, and 18, he would still ask Bella to marry him right away. Hmm. It seems that Stephenie Meyer is promoting teen weddings. That's a bit odd. I've received messages and comments from readers who point out the Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and that she is pushing her religious views throughout the book. Frankly, I don't see it. If there is any religious subtext, it's so vague that you could argue the book is about any (or every) religion, from Christianity to Buddhism. And even if Ms. Meyer was trying to preach the word of Mormon, it wouldn't bug me, just as it wouldn't bug me if the book was about Islam or Judaism or Atheism. To each his own. This isn't the time or place to debate religion. (The time is 10:45 a.m., the place is the bowling alley. Be there!) What I find troublesome is that Ms. Meyer is telling her readers, most of whom are young women, that marrying young is fun and great and the only way to true happiness. It's what Edward wants to do. And it's what Bella wants to do too, if only society didn’t frown on it. Of course, I think these two should get married right away because I'm tired of hearing about it. But in reality, it's probably a bad idea. While there are many loving couples who married young, I would encourage everyone to get a little life experience under their belts before saying, "I do." Call me unromantic. Call me too pragmatic. Call me Danny Coldheart or Lt. LaserMind, but I think people who wait a bit before marriage will have a better chance of staying together. (And I would very much enjoy being called that last name, BTW.) The next morning, Bella wakes up and looks through the paper to see if the concert tickets are still on sale. She notices a story about the Seattle murders, and the chapter includes an excerpt of the article. The gist is that the serial killer is killing more people. I'm not sure why we needed to read the entire article to figure this out. Stephenie Meyer could have saved us all some time by having Bella tell us: I glowered at the newspaper intensely with my intense eyes. My desire to passionately read the inky black words was overpowering. I felt a tugging on my aching heart as I peered down at the dry, non-wet paper. I was shocked by the shocking article which stated that the killer in Seattle was adding more victims to his devious list of unfortunate victims. My eyes danced across the page like two tiny dancers, as the news entered my brain like a train entering a brain-thing. "Uh-oh," I murmured. Instead, a page and half of the chapter is devoted to this article. A page and a half that could have been used to show us Emmett doing cool things with a slingshot and snakes. As Bella is finishing the article, Edward walks into her house. She shows him the newspaper, and he frowns. He doesn't like how things are progressing in Seattle, and tells Bella that Alice's powers aren't being much help. No way! That's weird, huh?

The Cullens were waiting for Alice to see what will happen with this newborn vampire, before they head to the city. But the psychic Alice, the one who is responsible for keeping Bella safe, is having trouble seeing visions of Seattle. How bloody convenient. I hate Alice. She is as reliable as an indoor sundial. She is the fool who sees nothing. She is the worthless secondary character who only exists to shove the story forward. She is Alice "The Plot Device" Cullen! [CUE THE SOUND OF A SLIDE WHISTLE] With Alice's powers in question, Edward thinks the Cullens will need to go to Seattle and handle the situation "blind." Then, for reasons I cannot explain, he asks Bella to skip school today. His explanation for the truancy? "I want to talk to Jasper." What the hell? Doesn’t Jasper go to school too? Can't you pass him a note in Chemistry? Or why not talk to him after school? And why does Bella need to come along? Things seems to be getting worse in Seattle, but the Cullens never cared about all the innocent people dying up there. So why not wait a few hours and let Bella get an education? But Edward needs Bella to skip school, so she skips. They go to the Cullen house, where everyone is hanging out. Even Emmett! Hi Emmett! Edward shows Carlisle the newspaper, and Dr. C is worried. Emmett suggest they go to Seattle right away. His reason: "I'm dead bored." Emmett, you're so cool! Can I be your Facebook friend? We can Farmville together…whatever that is. The Cullens talk about what to do with the Seattle situation. Esme is clearly upset, and says, "And all those innocent humans in Seattle. It's not right to let them die this way." You're right, Esme. It's not cool to let your beloved humans become vampire cocktails. You should put a stop to it, and then—I don't know—maybe fly to Italy and save the humans that will be killed by the Volturi vampires. Remember those guys? The innocent citizens and tourists of Volterra who are killed daily, one of whom was probably a lovely middle-aged man who dressed as Santa every year and gave presents out to the less fortunate? Yeah, maybe you could save some of those folks, too. What do you say? Maybe? Just kidding. You can go ahead and ignore the genocide in Italy, as you play loud baseball and…Wait. Does Esme do anything else? Esme, you're going on my list. (I don't know what this means, but I like the sound of it.) Since this is Twilight, no one can do anything unless someone tells a damn story. So instead of saving lives, everyone gathers 'round, as Ol' Jasper tells us all a spooky tale. For some reason, it's very important that Bella understands newborn vampires. I'm not sure why. Is Bella going to fight this Seattle vampire herself? Why would they even take Bella to Seattle? Why do anything with Bella right now? Just go to Seattle, kill this new vampire, and come back. Bella doesn't need to be involved. I hate the overdramatic Cullens. You never hear Superman tell Lois Lane, "OK. I’m going to stop the bank robber. But before I do, it's important that you understand how banking works. See, the costumer will deposit money into an account…"

Before Jasper starts his story, he shows Bella a scar on his wrists, similar to the scar on Bella's wrist. It's clear that he was bitten by a vampire. At first Bella thinks it's cool that she has a scar-buddy. But then Jasper reveals more of his body, and Bella sees more and more bite marks. His arm is littered with scars. Something tells me the Jasper story isn't going to be happy…nor will it feature robots. Glowers: 0 (Book total 10 ) Murmurs: 1 (Book total 34) Prediction: Jasper tells Bella his origin story. JASPER: Once upon a time, in a lawless town, there was a— BELLA: Um, I'm sorry. Why are you telling me this? JASPER: It's my origin story. BELLA: I understand. But is this really the right time? JASPER: You don't want to hear my origin story? It's pretty good… BELLA: I'm sure it's great. But people are dying in Seattle. The longer we sit here, the worse things will become, right? JASPER: But…but it's my turn to tell a story. BELLA: Plus, don't you guys want to find out who was snooping around my dirty clothes? Did y'all forget about that? EDWARD: Jasper wants to tell you his story. He's been practicing all morning. JASPER: I even wrote it out on note cards… ESME: He made a visual aid, too. Didn't you Jasper? JASPER: (SHEEPISHLY) No, it's OK. Bella doesn't want to see it. EMSE: No, show her your chart. JASPER: Mom! Stop it! Don't make me. Bella doesn’t care. (HIDES HIS TEARS) BELLA: Jasper, I would love to see your visual aid and listen to your speech. Honest. But I think there are more pressing issues. EMMETT: (TO HIMSELF) I should make a pair of stilts that are also swords. Then I could kick and stab at the same time. JASPER: Everyone else got to tell a story. Rose even told her a story, and Rose hates Bella. And mom told Bella about her dead baby. And Alice gets to have sleepovers with Bella. And…it's not fair! (WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY) CARLISLE: I know, son. I know. Maybe you can tell us on the way to Seattle. JASPER: (SNIFFS) Re…Really? Can I bring the chart, too? CARLISLE: Of course you can. JASPER: And does Emmett have to listen and be quiet? ESME: Yes, he does. EMMETT: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Crybaby. I'm gonna kick-stab the crap out of you with my stilt-swords. BELLA: Isn't going to Seattle putting me in great danger? CULLENS IN UNISON: Shut up, Bella, and get in your damn cage! BELLA: Yay!

Blogging Eclipse: Part 13 Chapter Thirteen: Newborn Better Title: Wasted Paper This chapter is reminiscent of the scene in The Empire Strikes Back in which Han Solo pulls the Millennium Falcon over and says, "All right. Now we're going to meet Lando. But before we go, I need to tell you about all the wild adventures he and I had. This may take a while, so get comfy." You remember that part, right? No? Of course you don't. It wasn't in the movie. Do you know why? Because there was no need for Han Solo to explain his life story. We understood that Mr. Solo had been through some crazy escapades. And just as we didn't need to hear Solo's story, we don't need to read Jasper's origin. But since I'm snowed in, and my jigsaw puzzle is being a jerk, I might as well continue reading. The chapter begins with Jasper showing off his scars and explaining to Bella that vampire venom is the only thing that can scar a vampire. (Werewolves don't leave scars. They leave corpses. Booya!) As Jasper begins his story, Carlisle, Emmett, and the others ignore him and "[turn] their attention to the TV again." How rude! I understand if Emmett doesn't want to listen to Jasper, but Carlisle needs to show a little interest in his adoptive son or else Jasper will grow up with father issues and spend years in therapy telling his therapist, "Daddy wouldn't listen. And Mommy liked Emmett best." Still, I don't blame Dr. C for being bored. Even Jasper's back story has a back story. Before he gets to the part about his scars, Jazzy prattles on about vampire culture. He explains that for centuries, the South was a wild land of vampire fights. The vamps were never organized or well-trained or strategic. They simply fought like animals over territory. (So far, it sounds like a cool story. Maybe I should give Jasper a chance.) All of this changed when a vampire named Benito (no, really. That's his name.) arrived in Texas. Benito took over by creating an army of newborn vampires, and forcing the newborns do his dirty work. He was the first vampire to make an army and…screw this. Enough with these back stories. I don't care about Benito, or Chief Tah Aki, or that rich guy who was mean to Rosalie. I want the story of Bella, Edward, and Jacob to go somewhere. Anywhere. Even if it means this entire series of books ends with the three of

them entering a dance tournament to save a whale—at least that would feel like a real story, with a plot. In any story, an author will need to somehow bring the reader up to speed. But stopping every other chapter just to have one character give a 20-page speech is aggravating (boring, too). I assume the next chapter will move the story forward, but in the chapter after that, Angela will show up, and for no reason at all, begin to tell Bella about the one time she visited her grandma in Ohio. All you need to know is that newborn vampires are insane, and strong. Their super-duper strength only lasts for one year. I don't know why. I don't care. And I'm not even sure if I read this part correctly. But that's the gist of this entire chapter. So much wasted paper and precious ink was used to print chapter 13. It's a real shame. Anyway, Benito's army inspired other vampires to make newborn armies. Soon Texas and Mexico were overrun with newborn vampires. The Volturi didn't like this. The humans were beginning to notice. So the Volturi came to America and killed all the vampires. (Though I'm not sure how, since it was my understanding that there are only, like, six Volturi vampires. Maybe the Volturi have interns, or missiles.) Jasper is thankful that the Volturi handled the situation, because if they hadn't, the world would be overrun with vampires. And then there would be far too many lullabies in the world, and the over-saturated lullaby market would crumble. Once the lullaby industry dies, the global economy soon follows. It's too grim to think about. So yeah, the Volturi did the right thing. Naturally, after the Volturi left, more vampires moved down South where the hunting was good. At the time, Jasper was a Major in the Confederate Army. One night while patrolling, he came upon three beautiful women. And you know what happened next, right? The women were vampires. They seduced him. They turned him into a vampire. And Jasper's world was forever changed. It takes Stephenie Meyer about eight pages to tell us this. When my grandchildren ask, "What are trees?" I will tell them it was all your fault, Ms. Meyer, for killing all the trees and using up unnecessary amounts of paper. I will also blame you for the coming war with the super-intelligent falcons (even though it will really be my fault for secretly educating falcons in my basement, part-time.) The three vampire women, whose names I don’t care about so let's just call them One, Two, and Martha, thought very highly of Jasper. They made him a General of their newborn vampire soldiers. The women trained the newborn vampires. Jasper says, "When we did well, we were rewarded." I wonder with what? Probably with human blood, or maybe computer time. And so One, Two, Martha, and Jasper went to war with various groups of vampires. Jasper's scars are a result of the subsequent battles. Am I suppose to feel sorry for Jasper? Because I don't. I must be doing something wrong.

I like Jasper, don't get me wrong. But after he revealed his scars in the last chapter, I assumed he would be a tragic figure who was tortured and whatnot. All he really did was fight other vampires and get nibbled on in the process. I have a scar on my knee that is the result of a much more heartbreaking story. I won't get into it here, but my injury involved a bike, a poorly designed ramp, overconfidence, and a very hard road. Jasper had enough of the wars and traveled North with his vampire buddy, Peter, and Peter's forever buddy, Charlotte. (Jasper was such a third wheel.) These three would kill humans, but up in the North, they didn't need to worry about starting a war with other vampires, since northern vampires are more civilized. That means northern vampires probably raise their pinkies when they suck the blood from a poor, innocent human. Jasper didn't enjoy killing people. His power to alter emotions also meant that he felt the emotions of those around him. Moments before he killed an innocent human, Jasper felt that human's sadness and fear. It must be rough to feel someone's sadness. You know what else is probably rough? Listening to someone's scream of pain as she beg for her life. But Jasper didn't care about the screaming. He just didn't like feeling vampire victims' sadness. It bummed him out. Poor, poor Jasper. He left Peter and Charlotte and roamed around, finally walking into a diner in Philadelphia where he met Alice, who was (naturally) waiting for him. She had seen the future and knew that she would meet her forever buddy at that diner, at that time. She always uses her powers in ways she thinks are cute and funny. Like when she thanked Bella for a present that Bella hadn't bought yet. That would drive me nuts. She does this again when she first meets Jasper, by saying, "You kept me waiting." Ha ha ha ha ha… Alice, you're a riot. An annoying riot. After they met, the duo went to the Cullens' house, and Alice once again used her cute powers, this time to weasel her way into their family by saying things like, "I'm totally going to live here now. I had a vision. So…where should I put my stuff?" And that's how the Cullens became one big happy clan. This ends Jasper's story. Jasper mentions that he thinks the Seattle vampire is actually an army of newborn vampires. Everyone is shocked at the revelation, and they try to figure out who would want to create an army of newborn vampires. (It's Victoria, right? It has to be Victoria.) Carlisle isn't sure what to do, and Jasper says they need to destroy the newborn vampires right away, or else risk involvement from the Volturi. WHAT? ARGH! Call the Volturi, you nitwits! Let them come to town and take care of this problem! If the Volturi happen to check up on Bella, well…turn her into a damn vampire. You idiots are planning to turn her into a vampire in two freaking weeks! Two weeks! Why not do it now? I don't see what the problem is. I hate the Cullens so, so much. But no. They can't alert the Volturi because…of a reason. So Jasper needs to tell everyone how to kill newborn vampires. (Probably with a little salt and a tablespoon of vinegar.)

Why doesn't Carlisle know how to do this? The guy has been alive for centuries, and seems to be pretty smart. If he'd missed the info somehow, why wouldn't Jasper have explained it? CARLISLE: Hello Jasper. Welcome to the family. JASPER: Thanks. By the way, I know the only way one can kill a newborn vampire. All you need is a little bit of salt and some— CARLISLE: Shut up. I don't care. Let me show you my big wooden cross. It's really old. Edward suggests that this army was created to hunt down the Cullens. The Cullens are the only vampires in the area, aside from Tanya's family in Alaska. (Remember, folks, ROY G. BIV.) So it would make sense that this newborn army is planning to attack the Cullen Crew. But Alice says, "They're not coming after us. Or…they don't know that they are. Not yet." Grrr. Alice's powers have been acting odd lately, as if the newborn vampires are changing their minds often. Of course, if that's the case, why didn't Alice at least know it was an army of newborn vampires? Maybe the army didn't decide to be an army? What the hell is going on? Edward thinks the army knows about Alice's weakness, so the e-vamps change their minds on purpose to trip her up. That doesn't make any sense either, because Alice should see the e-vamps deciding to be indecisive. It's like a child who wants to take a cookie, but doesn't want Alice to know about it, so he decides to be tricky and think about eating a carrot. Alice should still see the child deciding to be tricky, right? Right? Grrr! I really, really hate Alice and her awful power. They try to figure out who would know about Alice's powers. Edward thinks the Volturi are behind the threat. Aro, the leader of the Volturi, is insanely jealous of Edward and Alice's powers and desperately wants them to join his crew in Italy. So maybe this is how he plans to nab them. That makes sense…except…If Aro really wanted Edward and Alice, why didn't he keep them in Italy when everyone was, you know, in Italy? Carlisle doubts the Volturi are behind the newborn army, since they are sticklers for vampire rules, and these attacks are drawing too much attention from humans. Hey Carlisle, it's Victoria. I know it. Emmett speaks up. (Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, we should form a crime fighting team and call ourselves Dan and Emmett, or Da-Mett.) He thinks they should all just go to Seattle and take care of business. And for once, the others agree with Emmett. However, before they all hop in the Cullen Cruiser, Jasper says they will need more good vampires on their side, so Carlisle calls up Tanya in Alaska. Don't waste time, Carlisle. Call the Volturi, you doofus!

Tanya's family isn't keen on the idea of helping out. Way back in book one, Laurent hung out with Tanya's family while James and Victoria tried to kill Bella. During that time in Alaska, Laurent had a fling with Irina, a member of Tanya's clan. After hearing that the werewolves killed Laurent, Irina is acting like every other female vampire in this book: she wants revenge for her lover's death. She refuses to help unless she's allowed to kill all the werewolves. You think you can kill the werewolves, Irina? Ha! Why don't you try to eat a piano or get health care reform passed while you're at it. I say let Irina go after the werewolves. It will be awesome. Carlisle doesn't agree to the terms, and the Cullens are left outmatched by the newborn vampires. Call the Volturi! If you idiots don’t call the Volturi, I'm going to do it myself. I'm serious. I'm picking up the phone. I'm dialing the number… I'm only kidding. I sent them a text instead. (I'm out of cell phone minutes.) So the Cullens need some help. If only there were a group of incredible beasts nearby, monsters as strong as they are charming, who could help the Cullens out. Hmm. Oh well. I can't think of any. And then the chapter ends. (BTW: This week marks my one-year anniversary writing for SparkNotes. Thank you all so much for the support! To celebrate, rice pudding will be served in the SparkNotes solarium at noon. Bring your own folding chair.) Glowers: 0 (Book total 10) Murmurs: 1 (Book total 35) Prediction: On the trip to Seattle, Alice continues using her powers to act cute and charming. BELLA: Are we there yet? ALICE: No. But here’s that juice box you wanted. BELLA: How did you know I wanted a juice box? ALICE: [WINKS] BELLA: Oh right. Heh. Good one, Alice. ALICE: And here's the magazine you'll want to read later. I ripped out all the articles you weren't going to read. BELLA: Um…gee, thanks. ALICE: You're welcome! [GIGGLE] By the way, I brought some ice for your black eye. BELLA: Black eye? ALICE: [GIGGLE] You'll see. [GIGGLE] BELLA: I'm going to get a black eye? ALICE: [GIGGLE] Also, I'm sorry I can't attend the funeral in a few weeks. But I love the dress you'll wear. BELLA: What funeral?! ALICE: [GIGGLE] BELLA: Stop! You don't giggle about that. What funeral? ALICE: I can see the future, and you can't. [STICKS TONGUE OUT. GIGGLES.] BELLA: Who dies? Is it Charlie? Oh god! ALICE: And when your house burns down and you run screaming into the night, don’t

forget to wear slippers. [GIGGLE] Your feet will be cold. [GIGGLE] BELLA: My house burns down? Why can't I stop that from happening? ALICE: [SHRUGS] I dunno. I guess you didn't decide to not have your house burn down. BELLA: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ALICE: [GIGGLE] Don't order the ham salad tomorrow. It will make you gassy. [GIGGLE] Ooh, and you have a cavity, there's a hole in your jeans, and you will die on a Thursday. [GIGGLE] EMMETT: Both of you shut up! I'm trying to drive, and mount a machine gun to a surfboard! BELLA: Sorry Emmett.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 14 Chapter Fourteen: Declaration Better Title: Sleepy Jacob is Still Better Than Wide-Awake Edward Two chapters ago, Edward and Bella needed to skip school and meet with the other vampires because the trouble in Seattle was escalating too quickly. If they didn't act fast, more innocent people would die. It was rather exciting. Well, as exciting as this book can get. It's now a few days later in Bella's world, and the Cullens are fighting the newborn vampire army in downtown Seattle. Carlisle is attacking the vampires with a machete and a shotgun. Esme and Jasper are protecting the orphanage with baseball bats and pistols. Rosalie is taking out as many vampires as she can with homemade bombs and blow darts. Edward is busy trying to capture the moment in a lullaby. Alice is flying a helicopter/tank into the e-vamps' headquarters. And Emmett is ankle deep in vampire corpses, as he slays them using only brass knuckles and a lawn mower blade. It's amazing! And it's a lie. While it is a few days later, the urgency flew right out the window so that everyone could sit around and gab about love for another chapter. I think Stephenie Meyer is just doing this to piss me off, hoping that I will quit blogging these books out of frustration and boredom. It's not going to work, Ms. Meyer. Hurting me this way only makes me want to blog the books harder. I'm like a sleeping polar bear that you tried to kill with a BB gun. You just woke up Dan Bear! (Hmm. That sounds more cute and cuddly than angry and strong. Let me change that.) You just woke up Polar Dan! (No. That sounds like I have mental health issues. Let's start over.) I'm like a sleeping pterodactyl that you tried to wake up with a BB gun. You just woke up…'Dactyl Dan! (That works.) Bella, Edward, and Alice are back in high school. Alice is once again teasing Bella about her graduation party. Bella asks why they're just sitting around in school when there's evil in Seattle. Edward says they need more good vampires on their side before they go picking a fight with the newborn vampire army. Jasper is trying to find his old vampire buddies Charlotte and Peter, and Edward says those two will probably help out, because if they don't, the Volturi will come, and "nobody wants a visit from Italy." Why not? I don't get it. What's the worst that can happen if the Volturi show up?

ARO: We killed the evil newborn vampire army in Seattle. And then we destroyed that pesky Victoria. EDWARD: Um…thanks. ARO: No sweat. EDWARD: So you're going to leave now, right? ARO: Ah yes. But first…I will take a shower in your bathroom and leave armpit hair all over your soap. EDWARD: Aw man. I knew it was a bad idea bringing you guys here. MARCUS: Hey, you'll never guess who John Mayer has a crush on. Here's a hint: She's a country superstar! ARO: Marcus! I told you to wait in the van. MARCUS: And Tiger Woods really does love his wife. ARO: Marcus! For whatever illogical reason, no one wants the Volturi to come to America. Why?!? I refuse to continue this blog until someone gives me an answer. Well? I'm waiting! You could argue that Edward doesn't want the Volturi to realize Bella is still human. Fair enough. So change her into a vampire, Mr. No Fun. What's stopping you? But aside from that, there is no reason to leave the Volturi out of this mess. It's their job to intervene when vampire matters get out of hand, and I would think an army of newborn vampires killing people in Seattle qualifies as an emergency. So until you give me a good reason, we're just going to stay right here. I'm not going to blog another thing about this book. While we're waiting, does anyone want to hear about the time I had tea with Moby? A few years ago, I went to Moby's tea shop in Manhattan to interview him about his new line of iced teas. The trouble with most bottled teas, said Moby, is that they are too sweet and syrupy. The End. Gosh, that story sucked. Maybe I should continue blogging this chapter. Bella is worried that Charlotte and Pete will try to eat her, since these two are not vegetarian vampires like the Cullens. Alice says, "They're friends. Everything's going to be fine." Oh really? Your "vegetarian" forever buddy Jasper tried to kill Bella a few months ago, causing everyone to freak out. And now you're going to push smelly Belly right under the noses of two carnivorous vampires? If you look up "illogical" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Alice and Edward. (This only applies to my dictionary, which I have illustrated. Look up "awesome," and you'll see a picture of a werewolf. Look up "deceased," and you'll see a picture of E-rock. Look up "rhetorical," and you'll see a picture of a boomerang, because I didn't know how to draw "rhetorical.")

Edward says they should be able to launch an attack in a week. A week? In Twilighttime, that's like five books from now. The series does end with Breaking Dawn, right? If I get to the end of Breaking Dawn and Ms. Meyer publishes a fifth book in the series, I might cry. And when I cry, it's not a little sniffle. It's a low, depressed, moaning cry. Like a sad whale mixed with a Sasquatch's yelp. Trust me. You don't want to see that. [ed note: don't worry. We'll force him to blog whatever S. Meyer writes. We have our ways. ("our ways" = money and asking really nicely and possibly throwing temper tantrums until he says yes.)] Bella once again suggests that she be turned into a vampire and help fight this army. Alice doesn't think this is a good idea because Bella wouldn't be ready to fight. She would be too wild and crazy. So the cast members of The Jersey Shore are also newborn vampires? (SNAP! Someone brought their A-game. And that someone…is me! Snap-alap-a-ding-dong!) Alice goes back to talking about Bella's graduation party, and says Bella's mom won't be able to attend. Later Bella learns that her mom's husband broke his leg, so she can't fly out to Forks. Hey Victoria, go kidnap Bella's mom, and use her to lure Bella to Florida. Then kill Bella. It almost worked for James. It seems like a logical thing to do, since Bella is protected in Forks. Victoria, if you don't do this, you're an idiot. If I wanted to kill Bella, she would already be dead. I would take one of my "Ways to Kill Bella" journals off my shelf, and blindly pick one entry, such as "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With a Flaming Arrow" or "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With Rocks" or "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With a Well-Trained Ape." See. It's not that hard. At home, Edward and Bella kiss. Edward says he needs to go hunting before they head into battle. So he will be gone tomorrow, and Emmett, Jasper, and Alice will be babysitting Bella. She isn't too thrilled at the idea, because she says Emmett always teases her. We haven't really seen Emmett tease Bella. Perhaps in Bella's mind, "teasing" means "buying someone a car stereo." Did I mention that I don't like Bella? Bella suggests that instead of being held hostage by vampires, she should be allowed to visit Jacob in La Push. And Edward doesn’t seem to mind, because now he's really nice and sweet when it comes to Bella hanging out with werewolves. Oh my God! He's not Edward! He's that Terminator made of liquid metal from Terminator 2: Judgment Day! Bella, run! Protect John Conner! Bring down Skynet! No fate!!! Sorry. Before going to La Push, Edward explains that newborn vampires are super strong because they are filled with human blood. He also says that Jasper is thinking about "cheating" before the big fight and drinking human blood, which is packed with more super powers and will make a vampire stronger than if he drank chipmunk blood. This means that Jasper is considering killing a human being. May I remind everyone that the Cullens are meant to be the heroes of this book? This is like Batman saying, "I will

save Gotham City, but first I need to drown a few puppies, because drowning puppies makes my back feel slightly better." I loathe vampires. (Except Emmett.) Bella isn't sure what to think. On one hand, she isn't thrilled with the idea of Jasper killing someone. On the other hand, she is selfish and doesn't care who dies as long as she can tongue kiss Edward. Bella calls Jacob and they arrange a time for him to pick her up at the werewolf boundary. As they spot Jacob's car at the werewolf border, Edward tenses up. He must have read something in Jacob's mind. But what? Maybe Jake was having naughty thoughts about Bella. Or maybe he was thinking about letting Bella eat ice cream for dinner, and Edward hates the thought of her having nothing but empty calories. Edward doesn’t tell Bella what he read in Jake's mind, but he's sure that Jacob will tell her himself. Jacob honks his horn and Bella walks over to his car and rides off to La Push where nothing much happens. As they sit and watch TV, Jacob zones out and falls asleep. He's been doing double werewolf shifts, only sleeping a few hours a night, as he tries to track down the evil vampire (or vampires). I'd like to point out that while Jacob is working hard, the vampires have been going to high school and planning parties. And you wonder why I'm trying out for Team Jacob? (By the way, at the tryouts, is it OK if my routine is slightly longer than three minutes? I'd really hate to cut anything out. It all flows together so nicely. Let me know. Thanks!) Jacob asks if there's any news about the e-vamp, and Bella says no. She doesn't tell him that there is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. Why? I thought the werewolves and the (good) vampires were working together on this. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Seattle vampires are after Bella for some reason. So why doesn't she tell Jacob the truth? BELLA: There is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. They are killing innocent people, and will probably kill me. JACOB: [SAYS NOTHING. STANDS UP AND LOADS HIS SHOTGUNS AND CROSSBOW] BELLA: But Edward says we need to wait a week, because…well, I don't really know why. But we should wait, and— JACOB: [STRIKES THE WEREWOLF GONG, SUMMONING HIS PACK] BELLA: Um…So you're going to wait for Edward to learn about newborn--JACOB: Shut up Bella. We got this. [FLIES OFF WITH OTHER WEREWOLVES TOWARDS SEATTLE] Yeah, Bella did the right thing by lying to Jacob. (sarcasm hand raised) Jacob falls asleep on the couch, and Bella's mind starts to wander. She thinks about finishing high school, and how one day soon she will be a vampire. She then yammers on about how wonderful it would be if Edward turned her into a vampire instead of Carlisle.

The next two paragraphs of the book are laugh-out-loud hilarious, as Bella tries to tiptoe around the fact that becoming a vampire is akin to loosing one's virginity. If you're ever feeling blue, just read this section of the book. And if you don't at least smirk, then you and I have nothing else to say to each other. There are many wonderful sentences in this part, but I think this one is my favorite: "I wanted his venom to poison my system." That same line could work in a death metal song, a poem written by a sad 6th grader, a poorly translated foreign film, or the title of shocking painting. It's not quite as wonderful as, "This is about my soul, isn't it?" But it's going on my list of fun ways to end a conversation before running away. By the way, had I written this book, I would have changed that line to: "I wanted his mouth parts to be all up in my bid-ness." She then goes on about how difficult it would be to marry Edward right now, and how she would have to suffer society's evil glare. Blah, blah, blah. We get it Ms. Mey…um, I mean, Bella. You wish high school girls could marry high school guys, because that would be totally fun. But mean America doesn't approve of such relationships. Bella is 18, right? Plenty of 18-year-olds get married. It's not like this is Quil and his rugrat girlfriend Claire making out at the movies. I doubt society would glower and murmur at Bella and Edward's marriage. I think Ms. Meyer is just trying to make a conflict that isn't there. Jake suggests they go outside, hoping the fresh air will keep him awake. He wants to tell Bella something important, but isn't sure how to bring it up. I was hoping that he would tell her, "I think you're dumb, and once I stole $40 from your purse." Instead, he professes his love for her. I could have sworn he already did this is the last book. Was this meant to be a shock? Whatever. Bring on the vampire fight! Glowers: 0 (Book total 10) Murmurs: 0 (book total 35) Prediction: Stephenie Meyer continues to shock the reader by revealing fascinating information during the final paragraphs of the next few chapters. Chapter 15 ends with Alice saying, "My powers are ridiculous." Chapter 16 ends with Carlisle saying, "I'm handsome and blonde. Also old." Chapter 17 ends with Esme saying, "My baby is dead." Chapter 18 ends with Rosalie proclaiming, "I'm kind of a b-word."

Chapter 19 ends with Angela saying, "Bella treats me like crap, but I don't mind because I'm just a third-tier character who is easily forgettable. I don't even know what my last name is." Chapter 20 ends with Conner saying, "Who the hell am I?" Chapter 21 ends with Tanya saying, "Brr. Alaska is cold." Chapter 22 ends with Mike Newton saying, "I named my bed Bella Swan. What? Why are you looking at me like that?" And the entire book ends with Bella telling us, "I love Edward. But I also love Jacob. I love Jacob like a brother. I love Edward like a husband….a husband in waiting. And yet, I also love Jacob. But my love for Jacob is more brotherly. Whereas my love for Edward is more passionate, like a lover. However, one must consider that I also love Jacob, even if my love for Jacob is family-oriented. So is Jacob also my lover? Jake is more a friend, really. Edward is someone I love. Also? I love Jacob. Love can be different and difficult. I'm pale."

Blogging Eclipse: Part 15 Chapter Fifteen: Wager Better Title: No One Wants to Smooch Jacob In a change of pace from the usual blog, I would like to take this opportunity to talk specifically with Jacob. If you are not Jacob, please don't read any further. This is just between him and me. Regular blogging of Eclipse will resume next week. Thank you for understanding. You are my life now, Dan P.S. Seriously, stop reading. For real! OK, Jacob. It's just you and me now. How's it going? Listen man, we need to talk. Have a seat. Can you put a shirt on? I'm getting cold just looking at your impressive abs. Thanks. I read what you did in this chapter, dude. Not cool. I know you're going through some rough times right now. But that's no excuse. You kissed Bella, and she didn't want to be kissed. Then you continued to try to kiss her. She was fighting you off, and you didn't stop. That's messed up. What were you thinking? Bella doesn't want to be your girlfriend. No, look at me! Look at me, Jacob. You need to hear this. She loves Edward more than she loves you. How do I know? Because she feels the need to tell me in every other chapter of these books. In fact, much of the last book consisted of her saying, "Jacob is neat, but Edward? OMG! Edward is like a god crossed with a candy bar and a puppy! Eeeeeeee! I love him so much! Eeeeeee!" I don't understand why, either. That's just how it is. Sure, you have an amazing personality. You're funny. You're charming. You're handy, and a hard worker. Most girls would admire those things in a guy. But Bella…well, she doesn't like good personalities. She likes men who are sad, and manipulative, and really,

really old. In the world of Star Wars, you'd be Han Solo, but Bella would rather make out with The Emperor. You're a good-looking guy, Jacob. You're tall. You have the body of an athlete. Your legs are like two beautiful pillars of muscles that beckon all who see them with a sly, flirtatious flex whenever your walk. And your abs. My god! They just won't quit. And your shoulders are so…oh. Sorry. Was I staring? Heh. Anyway, have you seen that new Rihanna video? She's hot. Yep. I totally dig chicks. Where was I? Oh yeah. You're charming and handsome, and there are a billion other girls out there who would love to go out with you. So if Bella says no, remember there are plenty of less whiny fish in the sea. But you owe Bella an apology. You can't go around kissing girls like that, Jacob. You acted like an ass. I know you were just following your heart. And I know every musical, romantic comedy, and pop song has taught us that when you love someone, you should go in for a kiss, and she will love you right back. But you forgot one important thing. You're not the main character of this book. Only main characters can kiss girls spontaneously and get away with it. Indiana Jones can do it. So can James Bond or the Cloverfield Monster. As much I like you, you're not the star of the book. This book is about Bella and Edward. Now, if this book was called Black Attack, and was about you roaming Western American looking for trouble before trouble found you, then you could make out with whomever you wanted. But it's not. So you can't. And when you do kiss someone, you don't just suddenly smash your mouth onto her lips like an animal. Do you know how to kiss? Be honest. I'm being serious. Let me explain… When a man loves a woman, it can be a beautiful thing. They will go on a date, maybe out to eat or to the movies. She may hold his hand, or giggle at one of his dumb jokes. And at the end of the night, when the man drops the woman off at her house, they will look deep into each others' eyes as a gentle breeze whispers past. The woman will smile. The man will smile. And then the man will say, "Well. I better get going." And the woman will say, "Oh yeah. It's late." And the man will say, "Yeah." And the woman will say, "Yeah." And the man will say, "Uh-huh." And the woman will say, "Well, I had a good time tonight." And the man will say, "Me too. That guy in the hat was hilarious." And then they will say nothing for about a minute as a car drives by. Then the man will say, "So, I'll get going. Um…"

And the woman will say, "OK. Yeah." And the man will say, "Yeah." And the woman will say, "Yeah. Well…um." And then they will awkwardly kiss for the first time. That's how it's done. You don't kiss a girl for the first time unless the kiss is preceded by an awkward pause and stunted conversation. Everyone knows this! The only exception is if you're playing a kissing game, starring in an adult film, or need to quickly blend in with the crowd before your enemy spots you. Aw, Jacob, are you crying? Why are you crying? Oh. I see. I know you didn't want to kiss Bella. I know Stephenie Meyer made you do it. She was worried you were becoming too friendly, nice, and wonderful. She knew we'd all wonder why Bella would choose Edward over someone so fantastic. So she had to force you to do something out of character in order to pull her story in the direction she wanted it to go. It's not fair. You go ahead and cry it out, big guy. Do you want some pizza bagels? I'll make some pizza bagels. By the way, I'm proud of you. I mean it. After you kissed Bella, she punched you in the face. I was sure you would turn into a werewolf and eat her. After all, Edward keeps telling me that werewolves are "volatile" and that a werewolf would destroy everything in its path when aggravated. Hmm. I guess maybe Edward and the vampires were wrong. Imagine that. Ooh. Is that a smile I see, Jacob? After Bella broke her hand, you offered to drive her home. That was nice of you. But she was very angry, and only accepted the ride because she thought Edward would be waiting at the border, and that when he found out what you did, he would kill you. Yeah, I don't know how Lullaby Eddie would kill you either. Maybe he would bring Emmett along. Or he could bring his entire family with him, and they could bore you to death with their tiresome, clichéd back stories. Anyway, Bella was furious when you drove right to her house. She wanted to go to the Cullen house so that Dr. Carlisle could examine her hand…and she wanted the vampires to murder you. To be honest, dude, she had every right to be pissed. Hey, don't get mad at me, buddy. I'm not the one who forced himself on Bella. Sit down. Sit down, right now, Jacob, or else I'm taking away the pizza bagels. There. That's better. When Bella stormed into her house, you probably should have just let her go. She was angry. She didn't want to be around you. So why did you follow her into the house? What were you hoping would happen? Did you think she would suddenly say, "Oh Jacob, I'm

sorry I punched you. I love thee with all my heart!"? Stop chasing this rainbow, Jake. There's no gold on the other side. You stuck around in the house, chatting and joking with Charlie, as Bella anxiously called her forever buddy. (Yeah, I call them "forever buddies" because Bella doesn't think girlfriend/boyfriend is a strong enough word. She brings this up a lot.) At this point, I was a bit excited. See, for the past two books I've been dying for some action. And part of me hoped that you and Edward would finally have a duel at Bella's house. Of course, I was wrong. But could you do me a favor in the next chapter? Could you kill Edward, or maybe Victoria? Even if you just go surfing it would be better than reading another chapter of Bella saying, "I love Edward. My life is hard." Thanks. When Edward arrived, he just stared you down and escorted Bella to his car. That's when you should have turned into a wolf, slammed his dumb head into your mouth, and chomped down hard. But you didn't. I can respect that. And then, when you followed Edward and Bella outside, I was sure you would turn into a wolf and fight. But all that happened is Edward told you to watch out. You're smiling. I know why, too. Edward referred to Bella as if she were some shiny new toy. It was very condescending and chauvinistic. Like when he told you, "If you ever bring her back damaged again…If you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs." And then added, "She's mine," as if Bella were a piece of candy. Edward really doesn't treat Bella well. He sounds like a rich snob with a trophy wife. After Bella and Edward drove away, what did you do? I hope you went home to think about how horribly you treated Bella. Or maybe you and Charlie played Wii Bowling. Dads love to play Wii Bowling. Bella went to the Cullen house and Dr. C. looked at her hand and said she didn't need a cast, but did need an arm brace, which he just happened to have lying around the kitchen. The Cullens are so weird. Bella also chatted with Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett is so cool, Jacob. You would like him. He's funny and crazy strong. And he's the most logical vampire of the bunch. He's my favorite character in this book! Don't be upset, Jacob. Sit down. Please? I think you're cool too. But Emmett? Well, Emmett is Emmett. And Emmett doesn't force-kiss girls. (Girls force-kiss him! Ka-Pow!) Anyway, Emmett asked what happened to Bella's face, and Edward explained what you did. Then Rosalie said Jasper would win the bet. It seems these vampires have a bet going as to whether Bella will be a wild and unpredictable newborn vampire when she is transformed. Jasper thinks she will go crazy and kill people, and the fact that she was willing to punch you means she's not exactly the coolest cucumber. Bella didn’t like this. She had never really thought about the possibility of becoming a wild bloodthirsty beast that kills innocent people. Finally, she has some sympathy for the

poor people dying in Seattle right now. (Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you that there's a vampire army in Seattle killing people. Bella didn't want you to know because I guess until just a second ago, Bella enjoyed the idea of dead people. Also, vampires are killing thousands of people in Volterra, Italy, and the Cullens think that's totally fine.) Now Bella isn't sure if becoming vampire is the right move. On one hand, she doesn't want innocent people to die. On the other, she really, really, really wants to get naked and touch Edward's face. What's a girl to do? Her thoughts drift off, as they always do, and this chapter ends with her wondering if there is some human experience that she will miss when she becomes a vampire. Duh! Ice cream sandwiches! Vampires can't taste people food. Losers. Sorry I went off topic there. The reason I wanted to talk to you is to say that you mistreated Bella. You were abusive, callous, and mean. Bella has every right to be furious. And if you were the only other character in this book, you would clearly be the villain. But you're not the only other character in the book. The Cullens are still worse than you. Far worse. The Cullens have killed people, and let thousands of people die. All you did was try to kiss on Bella. You're no hero. But, in to my book, murder is worse than kissing. And for that reason, I'm still Team Jacob. (Also? Team Pancakes.) Glowers: 1 (Book Total 11) Murmurs: 2 (Book total 37) Prediction: Stephenie Meyer continues to make Jacob the bad guy in the next chapter. He calls Bella... BELLA: Stop calling, Jacob. I don't ever want to see you again! JACOB: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. BELLA: Go away! JACOB: But I need your help. Please… BELLA: I'm hanging up this phone and calling Edward. He will write you a lullaby that will knock you on your ass. So help me, he will… JACOB: But Bella, I'm in jail. I need to talk to your dad. BELLA: Jail? Why? Did you kiss more girls? JACOB: No. I set fire to a hospital. BELLA: What? JACOB: I wanted to show you that I love you. BELLA: You…burned down…a hospital. JACOB: No. It's still standing. I just torched one of the wings. BELLA: How could you? JACOB: I thought that's what you wanted. The other night, when we were hanging out, I thought you gave me that subtle look which meant, "Jacob, if you set a hospital on fire, I will love you." BELLA: I never…oh my god! JACOB: So you're saying that I shouldn't have started the fire? I'm so confused. BELLA: I never gave you that look! JACOB: Sure you did. Right after your eyes sparkled in such a way that I knew you wanted me to kill some kittens.

BELLA: No! What? JACOB: We were talking, and your eyes did that sparkle thing. I know what that means, Bella. This ain't my first rodeo. BELLA: You're insane. JACOB: You wanted me to do it. BELLA: NO! No I didn't. JACOB: You mouth is saying no, but your eyes totally said, "Kill kittens." BELLA: You villain! You horrible, evil villain! I hope you rot in jail. JACOB: So…are you going to put your dad on the phone or what? Also, will you marry me?

Blogging Eclipse: Part 16 Chapter Sixteen: Epoch Better Title: E-Rock Is Alive! Who cares what happens in this chapter. E-Rock is back! He's not dead. In fact, he's Forks High School's valedictorian. Way to go, E-rock. It's so nice to see you. Don't scare me like that again. I want you to have fun, but if you're going to go missing for a few dozen chapters or an entire book, please call or write a note. I worry so much. Before heading to graduation, Bella must decide what to wear. She would really like to wear the red blouse, but it was stolen by Vict…er, I mean…a mysterious vampire. Alice pops into her room and gives Bella a new top to wear. Alice says the gift is her way of apologizing. You may recall that a few chapters ago, a mysterious vampire snuck into Bella's room, and Alice feels bad for not seeing a vision of the e-vamp. Gee. That's really swell of you, Alice. Your powers failed to protect Bella, almost killing her, and you make it up to her by buying a blue blouse? I bet if Alice accidentally killed Charlie with her Porsche, she would buy Bella a nice vanilla body lotion gift set, the kind that comes in a handy shower bag. Maybe even a bracelet too. She's so thoughtful. But enough about Alice. We're approaching the biggest What-The-Hell moment of this book. Yes, even more disturbing than learning that Quil dates a preschooler. Even more confusing than Jacob's sudden desire to be a slimy, gross ladies' man. Even more frustrating than Emmett's lack of scenes and swords. While thinking about Alice and the stolen blouse, Bella has the shocking, mind-bending realization that the Seattle vampires are somehow connected to the vampire who stole her blouse. Really? She's figuring this out now? Boy, I'd love to use a swear word here. I'll save it for the Unrated Blogging Eclipse: Part 16 (which will also include an unnecessary locker room scene and more fart jokes). What's worse than this dumb realization is that Bella is treated as the world's greatest detective for coming up with it. She first tells Alice, who is taken aback by the news.

What the hell is going on here? Alice reeeeeallly didn't think that the Seattle vampires were related to the mysterious e-vamp? But…why? And…ARGH! If Belly was on the Titanic, after the ship sank and everyone was dying in the cold water, she would say, "Hey, I wonder if the iceberg had anything to do with this." And Alice would scream, "Oh my gosh! You're right! If we live through this, I'm going to buy you a new shirt." How is this possible? How? How did no one connect the dots? Alice's powers are wonky. Fine. Whatever. I've already written too much about dumb Alice and her crummy, dumb powers. But anyone could see that the vampire who took Bella's clothing is working with the Seattle vampires. Heck, I bet Quil's girlfriend figured this out while watching Dora the Explorer and eating a Go-Gurt. And to top it all off, no one in this entire flipping chapter brings up Victoria. It's like they forgot all about her. She's behind this! You morons! You idiots! How can you not see this? And why didn't you stop Victoria two books ago? Of course, if it turns out that Victoria is innocent, I will offer an apology, and write a poem about being wrong. I will also eat an entire olive, and you know my feelings on olives. That's how certain I am that Victoria is the villain. Alice tries to deal with the shocking news. The pieces fit. It takes a few confusing paragraphs for Bella to explain this, and I'm not sure I understood it correctly, but this seems to be the gist: The e-vamps are after Bella. And who would be after Bella besides Victoria? It must be her…or Mike Newton. Bella is glad that the army is after her instead of the Cullens, because she hates the thought of her favorite vampires being hurt. Alice says that this changes nothing, and the Cullens will continue to protect Bella at all costs. It's another bombshell: The Cullens are going to save Bella. Wow. My jaw is on the floor with shock. (Kidding. My jaw is on the floor because of the glue.) Just then Charlie knocks on the door and reminds Bella that if she doesn't hurry, they will be late for graduation. Before leaving, Alice says that Edward shouldn't know about this startling revelation because if he found out that Bella was in danger, he would freak. What?!?! Wasn't Bella already in danger for that past 945 chapters? Hasn’t Victoria been after her for months and months? And didn't a mysterious vampire sneak into Bella's room a week ago? Why would Edward react any differently now? We knew Bella was in danger. She's always in danger. I even wrote a joke about it. Q: How many Bellas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A lot. Because she's always in danger. Edward arrives and they all head off to graduation. Ed senses that Bella is nervous about something, but isn't sure what's going on because he's an absolute fool. Bella says she's

just nervous about graduation. At the school, Charlie gives a mushy parental speech about how his little girl is growing up, and then Edward and Bella go into gym. Inside, Jessica waves to Bella and won't shut up about how much she will miss her and all the good times they had. This is odd, since Jessica became evil in the last book. I was expecting her to lure Bella into some sort of bucket-of-pig's-blood type trap. But that doesn't happen. It seems that Jessica simply became a different character altogether. Neat. Maybe Bella will change too, and become less sad and whiny, and more bold and tough like the blue woman from Avatar, or Miss Piggy. Bella zones out as Jessica chatters, and thinks about how her human life is coming to an end. And then E-rock returns! We don't get to hear his speech, because rude Bella is too busy thinking about Edward. But I bet his speech was geeky and awesome. Instead of quoting Benjamin Franklin or Dr. Seuss (which is what every graduation speaker does), E-rock probably made references to LOST and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Alice is lying low during the ceremony because she doesn't want Edward reading her mind and learning that the newborn vampire army is after Bella. So when the principal calls her name, she runs on stage, grabs her diploma, and sneaks away. Why did she go to graduation in the first place? She's graduated a dozen times. Maybe she really likes flat hats and speeches about opportunity. The rest of graduation is a blur for Bella. When it's over, she finds Edward in the crowd. For some weird reason, she decides to tell him about the newborn vampire army's real target. Right here. In a crowd of people. You'd think she would have at least taken him outside. I don't understand the urgency. Bella is in no more danger right now than she was yesterday, or last month. I just don't get it. Perhaps like magnets and Ke$ha's popularity, this chapter is something I shall never understand. The news shocks Edward, and his mind wanders as he worries for Bella's safety. What the hell is going on? Let's say the newborn vampire army is not connected to Victoria. That still means Victoria is out there, stalking Bella. Bella was already under threat of an attack. But now…for some odd reason…Edward is worried? GRR! Where's Emmett? If Emmett doesn't show up soon, I'm going to buy a plant, name it Eclipse, and then never water it. Never! And as it dies, I will laugh. Charlie catches up with the two, and invites Edward to go out to dinner. The worried Edward says he can't go, and storms off, probably thinking of a lullaby that will hurt the newborn vampire army. By the way, why haven't the Cullens teamed up with the werewolves and gone to Seattle by now? Has Jasper explained how to kill a newborn vampire yet? Is he busy making charts and visual aids? Is the explanation so complex that it needs a Power Point presentation? Does Jasper simply enjoy waiting for the last moment? What a diva. Or maybe Jasper doesn't know how to kill newborn vampires and said he did just to get attention. My 7-year-old cousin does this all the time. He once told me he could lift my car. I said he was a liar. And then he tried to lift it. At first it was kind of cute, but he

actually lifted it off the ground and over his head. It was amazing. (This may have been a dream.) So Edward goes off to brood about danger, while Charlie takes Bella out to eat at a place called The Lodge. (This is probably an unintentional Twin Peaks reference, but whenever a lodge is mentioned, it gives me goose bumps. Twin Peaks rules, and was the best show of the 1990s. Suck on that, Seinfeld.) The restaurant is crowded with graduates and their families. Bella doesn't feel much like eating, and is out the door as soon as Charlie pays the bill. Edward is waiting for her outside, and kisses her. He apologizes for acting so upset about the newborn vampire news, saying, "I can't believe I didn't see it." Me neither. Can I ask you a question, loyal Sparklers? Did anyone out there think the Seattle vampires and the vampire that stole Bella's blouse were not somehow connected? If so, I would like to talk to you about an investment opportunity in which you give me $1,000 now and once I get money freed up in Nigeria, you will get $1 million in return. If interested, email me at SpammyDanny57839898FreeMoney8FREEMOONEY@emailFreeTime_CashCash.virus .com/mega_virus. Edward skips away as Charlie approaches. Bella's graduation party is tonight, and Charlie is driving her to the Cullens' house for the festivities. On the way, he talks about parenting. He thinks he should have taught Bella how to throw a punch. He says that she was right to hit Jacob, or anyone who forces a kiss. He tells her to punch him in the stomach next time. It's nice that Charlie is taking a mild interest in his daughter. I wish we saw more of this. Charlie looks for the hidden road that leads up to the Cullen Compound. Bella says it can be hard to see, and secretly hopes that no one else will find it and that her party will be canceled. But Alice has decorated the trees with bright lights, showing the way. The chapter ends with Bella telling us, "With a sigh, I marched up the stairs to endure my party." Oh boo-hoo. Stop playing the victim, you spoiled brat. Some people don't get graduation parties. I mean, I had one. It was awesome! (Won't get into specifics, but my knee still hurts when it rains.) But others aren't so lucky. Glowers: 0 (Book total 11) Murmurs: 3 (book Total 40) Prediction: The Cullens meet in the ready-room to discuss the situation. BELLA: And so I think maybe the vampires in Seattle are the same vampires that stole my clothes. CARLISLE: Genius! You're a bloody genius! BELLA: I also think that when my body runs out of water, it makes me thirsty for water. ESME: You should be a scientist! EDWARD: What should we do about this situation? Wait for a few weeks? Stand around

talking about our past? Because if that's what it takes, I'll do it. See, once upon a time I had a bad case of the flu and so Carlisle— EMMETT: We need to go kill these vampires. They need to ride the Pain Train. [FLEXES HIS MUSCLES] CARLISLE: But we can't. We don't know how. Jasper needs to— JASPER: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm not ready yet! My charts aren't finished, the glue is drying weird, and now I'm out of glitter. Mom? Do we have any glitter? Silver glitter? None of that gold crap. ESME: Check the junk drawer, dear. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom, can you check? Mom? Mooooom? Glitter? ESME: Why can't you check, love? JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Because I'm coloring! ALICE: Wait. I'm getting a vision. Someone will…do something…and…there's a man, or maybe a potato? Bella, do you know any men or potatoes that hate you? EMMETT: Uh-oh. I think the Pain Train is leaving soon. Destination, Seattle. [FLEXES MUSCLES] JASPER: [FROM OTHER ROOM] Mom!? Is Emmett making fun of my scars? ESME: No, honey. No one is making fun of your scars. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Yes he is! I know he is. He's always making fun of my scars! I hate him! I hate this family! I want to drink Bella's blood. ESME: Jasper, honey. We talked about that, remember? ROSALIE: Why would a vampire want…her? Like, eww. EMMETT: By the way, I call my arms the Pain Train. And they depart every hour, on the hour. Because that's what's up. [STARES AT EDWARD] CARLISLE: Emmett's right. We should probably go to Seattle soon. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] But I told you! I'm not ready! The charts aren't done, and I need to cut out more picture from magazines! And all our magazines are stupid. I hate them! EDWARD: Hmm. Who is behind this vampire army? CARLISE: I have no idea. ESME: It could be anyone. ROSEALIE: It's a real mystery. EMMETT: Whoever it is, I shall give them a non-transferable ticket to ride the Pain Train. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom? Is Emmett talking about my scars? My scars are not my fault, Emmett. I'm pretty on the inside! Tell him, mom. Tell him I'm pretty on my insides! BELLA: Um…maybe Victoria is behind all this? EDWARD: Oh Bella, you're such a total moron. EMMETT: Pain Train! Meanwhile, the werewolves have already killed Victoria and the newborn vampires. After that, they built an orphanage and organized a food drive. They also cleaned up 13 miles of Highway 87, and stopped four bank robberies.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 17 Chapter Seventeen: Alliance Better Title: Smarty Throws a Party It's party time at the Cullen house as Bella arrives to help get things ready for the graduation jamboree. Edward quickly grabs Bella and kisses her passionately. Uh-oh. That can't be good. Edward never spontaneously locks lips with Bella. His kisses have always been prefaced with endless talk of passion, danger, and non-weddings. Something's up. We know why Edward is being more obsessive than usual. Bella told him that the vampire army is after her. (Please see the last blog for 2,000 words on why everyone should have already figured this out.) Now Edward is acting like it's the last day on Earth, and if not for the party, he would probably spend the night in his room, crying and listening to Beck's "Sea Change," which is the most depressing album ever made. Alice is getting the house ready with colorful lights and music. Bella tells us it looks less like the home of vampires than like a nightclub. Because Alice is so bloody perfect, charming, and sticky sweet, she has already taken care of everything, and there is nothing left for Bella to do but sit around and describe Alice's leather pants. Edward searches for Jasper and Carlisle because he needs to tell them the shocking news about the vampire army. You'd think Alice would have already said something to Carlisle about the army of vampires that is coming for Bella, but she was obviously way too busy picking out music, hanging party streamers, and changing into her leather slacks. After hearing the news, Carlisle and Jasper are concerned, and instead of making fruit punch with Alice, they try to come up with a way to stop the army. Not to worry, fellas. I've already come up with a plan. First, change Bella into a vampire. Then…well, that's about it. Changing Bella should pretty much solve all the problems. Or, you could make an elaborate plan that involves fights, alliances, and melodramatic speeches about destiny. It's your call. The doorbell rings, and Bella's guests begin to arrive. Jessica is there. Mike Newton too. Conner shows up (yay!), with Lee and someone named Samantha. In fact, the entire house quickly fills up with guests. When did Bella make so many friends? I guess

everyone came because they wanted to check out the mysterious Cullen homestead. I would go to the party, too. I've always wanted to see a vampire house. But I would probably spend all night updating Twitter with messages such as: 9:30: Party is lame. House is fancy. Lots of fancy books in Carlisle's office. I want one. 9:37: OMG Just saw Emmett. #DanSawEmmett 9:39: This house only has one bed. The Cullens are sex perverts. 9:40: Who the hell is Samantha? She keeps talking to me, as if I know her. #skank 9:55: Stole one of Carlisle's fancy books. 10:03: Justin Bieber is a tool. #JustinBieber 10:05: Think I broke one of Jasper's Civil War models. Oopsies! 10:09: Jasper is crying. 10:12: Party sucks. Going to Taco Bell w/ Samantha. Bella is shockingly sociable at her party and seems to be having a good time. Emmett is there too. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, what size shoes do you wear? I wear size 11. Maybe we could be shoe buddies? You know how to reach me, shoe buddy. As Bella chats with guests, Edward keeps his arm around her in a strange, protective manner. Wouldn't a leash be more efficient, Eddie? He then picks up a mind-thought from Alice and skips away. Bella tries to follow him, but he's too fast. From across the room, she can see he is talking to Alice, and they both looked frightened. Either Alice had a vision of the vampire army, or Marshmallow Mike just puked all over Carlisle's antique crucifix. Edward darts away, and Alice intercepts Bella. Bella watches Edward as he "turned and disappeared into the shadows under the stair." That's where Harry Potter lives! The doorbell rings. It's the werewolves. And this entire book becomes interesting for the very first time. Jacob is at the door with Quil and Embry. They're here to eat the vampires, right? This is how the story ends, right? And the next few chapters are about the werewolves doing karate, right? And Breaking Dawn isn't a book at all, but a spy-gear catalogue, right? Right? *sigh* The werewolves did not come to eat vampires. They came to party. Well, Jacob came to party. I'm not sure why Quil and Embry came. Lady trouble, I presume. I bet Embry's imprint-buddy wanted to watch Gossip Girl, and Quil's imprint-buddy was busy learning about the world by putting objects into her mouth. The guys needed a night out. Whatever the reason, I'm glad they showed up. But Bella isn't too thrilled, and doesn't want Jacob there at all. I was really hoping Jacob would says, "Let me in," and Bella would say, "Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin." And then Jacob would blow down the house. By the way, how exactly does a wolf blow down a house? And is the moral of The Three Little Pigs "work hard," or is it "have brothers"? I never understood that story.

Jacob acts casual and reminds Bella that she invited him a few chapters ago. She says the punch to the face was her way of uninviting him. Jacob says he came to give her. He continues to talk as Bella looks around for Edward. She doesn't care about Jacob right now. She wants to know what Alice's secret vision foretold. Jake apologizes for the Kiss-pocalypse. (Perhaps my talk with him did some good.) He admits that he misread Bella's feelings, and is deeply sorry he force-kissed her. (By the way, my erotic Star Wars novella entitled "Force Kissing" is still looking for a publisher. Let me know if you're interested.) Bella accepts the apology (a bit too quickly if you ask me) and demands her present. He gives her a bracelet with a wooden wolf charm he carved himself. It's nice. I'd rather have a PlayStation 3 or a rocket sled, but a wolf charm would be my third choice. I need a new charm, anyway. I'm tired of my cupcake charm, and my Robocop charm is tarnished. Bella likes the gift, and it seems that she and Jacob are back to being BFFs. I hope my former BFF doesn't think this trick will work on me. It'll take much more than a wolf charm to win me back, Gwen Stefani. (She knows what she did.) Jacob notices that Bella is distracted, and wants to know what's up. She doesn't want to tell him, because she is an unhelpful weirdo. Finally, she lets him know that some bad vampires in Seattle are up to no good. It took Bella and the Cullens about ten chapters to realize the evil vampires in Seattle are connected to the e-vamp that crept into Bella's room. It takes Jacob less than a sentence to say, "Is this about the bloodsucker in your room?" Bella says yes, but she needs to find out more details before going any further. Quil and Embry walk over, and the three werewolves stare Bella down until she coughs up the information. She says seeing the three werewolves like this "was a little bit funny, but mostly menacing." When I die, I'd like that quote on my tombstone. Thank you. Alice sees that Bella is being cornered by three werewolves, and intervenes. There's a standoff. Alice wants to talk to Bella privately, but Jacob wants to hear the news. Jasper pops up and looks ready for a fight. Jacob stands his ground and says he and the other wolves have a right to know what's going down. I told you things would get interesting. There is some glowering and glaring, but finally the vampires realize that the werewolves might be able to help. So Alice speaks freely, telling Bella and the wolves that the vampire army is leaving Seattle and heading towards Forks, on the hunt for Bella. Jasper is freaking out. He knows they don’t have enough family members to fight off an army of vampires. Bella offers to run away, but Alice says that won't help. Why not? The Cullens are stinking rich. They could send Bella to a deserted island until this blows over. Or give her plane tickets and let her fly around the earth for a few weeks while Emmett and Jacob wipe out Victoria's army. (I'm 100% sure that Victoria is behind this, and 120% sure that Emmett and Jacob could defeat her.)

Jacob asks if there are too many vampires for the Cullens to handle, and Jasper bridles. That's right. He bridles. You don't use the word "bridle" often? I use it all the time. I find it helps me vacillate. Anyway, Jasper bridles and says, "We have a few advantages, dog." Dude! Jasper! Why are you mad at Jacob? Why must you go and bridle? Why do any of the Cullens hate the werewolves? Aside from the unwanted kiss, the wolves have done nothing wrong. Jasper, you tried to eat Bella. Remember that? I do. If anyone should be bridling, it should be Jacob…or a horse owner. The old werewolves were killed by vampires. If Jacob said, "I'm not going to help you vampires because your species killed my great-great grand pappy," I would understand. But the werewolves are offering to help. Jacob is taking the high road. And Jasper responds by calling him a dog? Maybe I missed the chapter where Jasper's entire family was massacred by werewolves, or the story of how Jasper once got a speeding ticket from a werewolf. Ugh. I hate the Cullens (except Emmett). Jacob decides to help out, and this decision seems to mess up Alice's vision, because she suddenly acts like her TV reception was cut off. Now she doesn't know what the future holds. She acts like a little brat, sarcastically saying, "Excellent." That's it. Alice is my least favorite character, even worse than Bella, Edward, and schizophrenic Jessica. I'm taking Alice off my Christmas Card list, and my Easter Card list, and she won't be getting a Flag Day present from me either, or any Arbor Day Pie. Because the Cullens are outnumbered, they reluctantly accept help from the werewolves. Jacob says they need to make a plan. Bella hates the idea of the werewolves fighting, because she's still under the impression that the werewolves are meek little flowers who will break in half if so much as a gentle breeze touches their downy soft fur. Bella's loony. She screams at Jacob, saying if he fights he will be killed. And all three werewolves laugh majestically. Quil asks how many vampires they're up against, and Alice says it's about twenty. The number keeps changing for a mysterious reason that Alice refuses to tell us now. Great idea, Alice. Now is the perfect time to withhold information. You're so clever. The werewolves and the vampires agree to meet at 3 a.m. ten miles away. Why don't they just meet at the Cullen house? Wouldn't they be safer in the fortress? And why are they meeting later tonight? I just looked on Google maps, and Seattle is a three-hour car ride away from Forks. If the vampire army can run faster than a car, shouldn't they be at Bella's house in about twenty minutes? Shouldn't the Cullens and the werewolves stop the party and rush out the door to save the world? Bella once again begs Jacob not to fight. But Jacob is like a firework. Once he's lit, you just brace yourself for the 'splosion.

Glowers: 1 (Book total 12) Murmurs: 4 (Book total 44) Prediction: The party continues. BELLA: Shouldn't we tell everyone to go home, and lock the doors because a vampire army is coming? ALICE: Don't be stupid, Bella. This is your graduation party. You should enjoy it, you goof! BELLA: But…the army of vampires is coming. They will kill people. I really think the guests should leave. ALICE: Not yet, silly. You need to enjoy these human experiences. Go dance. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] It's no use! We're outnumbered! [CRIES] BELLA: I don’t really feel like dancing. Everyone I know is going to be murdered. ALICE: But I planned this entire party. There's even mozzarella sticks. Do you know how long it took me to make mozzarella sticks? BELLA: I appreciate it, Alice. Really, I do. I just think we should warn everyone so they won't, you know, die. ALICE: Party Pooper. JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] We're all going to die! This is the end! This is the end of everything! [MEANWHILE QUIL AND EMBRY CHAT UP SOME OF BELLA'S FRIENDS] QUIL: The key to cliff diving is to dive through the water in one clean motion. SAMANTHA: That's so cool. QUIL: My girlfriend can't wait to try it. But she's a bit young right now. SAMANTHA: How old is your girlfriend? QUIL: She's two. SAMANTHA: … QUIL: But she's tall for her age.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 18 Chapter Eighteen: Instruction Better Title: Everyone Smells Edward carries Bella through the forest to the vampire/werewolf meeting, which is taking place in the clearing where the Cullen baseball games are played. Because if you're going to have a top secret monster meeting, it's best to do it out in the open where the world, and Google Earth, can see. (Sarcasm hand is raised.) While looking at the clearing, Bella feels a tinge of nostalgia for the old baseball field, and remembers that the first game was interrupted by James, Laurent, and Victoria back in book one. Bella, the world's greatest detective, suddenly realizes that Victoria is probably behind the vampire army. She tells Edward this revelation, and at first he doubts there's a connection, because even after a century of life experience and education, he's still as dumb as a salt shaker, and twice as dull. He thinks the Victoria thing through, and finally says to Bella, "It's possible." Can we stop the bus for a moment? I'm trying really, really hard not to pick on Alice and her power. But this entire Victoria nonsense is frustrating. For some reason, Victoria has the ability to escape situations. The vampires couldn't catch her. The werewolves lost her trail. She's a slippery one. I'll accept that. But Alice should be able to see Victoria, right? I mean, Alice is already looking for the Italian Volturi to come to America, so distance is no issue. We know that the members of the vampire army are changing their minds on purpose, to mess with Alice's powers. But that doesn't mean Victoria isn't making other decisions every minute of the day. When Victoria decides to comb her hair, wouldn't Alice see that? When Victoria decides to watch Glee, wouldn't Alice see that too? The point is, Alice should see Victoria doing things—not necessarily evil, menacing things, but normal everyday things. So shouldn't Alice know exactly where Victoria is right now based on these mundane decisions? And wouldn't she see Victoria in Seattle? And thus, wouldn't everyone know that Victoria is behind the attack?

Anyway, Super-Smart Bella figures out that Victoria is behind this villainy. No one seems to care, and the meeting continues. The vampires are chilling around the clearing, and Alice is acting bratty because the werewolves are approaching, and it messes with her psychic ability. Do you know what else messes with Alice's psychic ability? Logic and common sense. Because the werewolves are coming in wolf form, Edward says he will need to translate their thoughts. Does this mean Edward can read the minds of animals too? I would love that power, because then I would know if the birds are really mocking me, or just looking at me because I'm handsome. And then everything becomes spooky and awesome as the werewolves arrive. There are more wolves than before. Ten in all. They're so cool! They're huge, and scary, and I bet they could do anything they wanted. They say you can't fold a piece of paper more than eight times. Well, I bet the werewolves could fold a piece of paper fifteen times, and then the paper would become so compacted and dense that it would create a black hole, and then the werewolves would eat the black hole and save us all, and then they'd get cosmic powers because they all had black holes in their bodies, and then…and then…I want to be werewolf so bad! [Flexing calf muscles until there's a popping noise behind my eye.] Ouch. Even Emmett is impressed by the werewolves and says, "Damn." Emmett! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, do you like to play street hockey? I don't. I'm scared of the ball. But if you like to play, then I'll play too. You should pick me for your team. I'm good. Honest! But I don't want to play goalie…unless you want me to play goalie. Do you want to play Nintendo instead? Say yes, please. In the dark night, Bella can only see the eyes of the wolves as they enter the clearing. Carlisle greets the mighty werewolves, and Edward translates the wolf-thoughts. The wolves ask about the newborn vampire army, and Carlisle explains that these vampires are not like the Cullens. They are crazy and strong, just like Sigourney Weaver when she wakes up in the morning. (Don't ask how I know this.) Carlisle tells the wolves that in four days, the evil vampires will cross the mountains and arrive here in the morning. The wolves agree to watch Jasper's presentation on how to kill newborn vampires. And with that, Jasper takes center stage. After weeks and weeks of waiting, everyone will finally learn the secret to killing newborn vampires. This is going to be amazing. This is going to be fascinating. There must be some secret trick, like maybe you need to stab them in the eye. Oh boy. Oh boy. This is going to be good! And then Jasper says that to kill a newborn vampire, you need to be fast. … Um.

Wait. That's it? Hold on. My book is probably broken. The pages of this chapter in which Jasper shows everyone how to stab a newborn vampire in the eye must be missing. Crap. My book is intact. Be fast? That's the trick? That's what Jasper has been waiting to tell us? Really? Be fast? I could have told you that. I wonder what Jasper's trick is for making a delicious blueberry muffin. JASPER: Use batter. Blueberries too. You might think I'm exaggerating. But here are Jasper's word-for-word instructions: "As long as you come at them from the side, and keep moving, they'll be too confused to respond effectively." You don't need a special dagger or a magic rope. You don't need a fancy bullet or a sword made of angel bones. You just need to be fast…and hit them sideways. Well, I'm glad Jasper waited to tell everyone this helpful information. Had he mentioned it earlier, I'm sure Emmett would have crushed Jasper's dumb blond head in a vice. I know I would have, if I had a vice. With the complex, wildly inventive strategy explained, Jasper challenges Emmett to a sparring match, to show everyone what he means about being fast. Jasper races around in a blur as Emmett tries to catch him. Finally, Jasper grabs him from behind, and Emmett loses. (Boo!) I love watching the vampires practice, but what does this teach anyone? Were the vampire going to fight slowly against the evil vampires? EDWARD: OK, when we fight the bad guys, I'm going to casually walk up to them and poke them directly in the nose. ESME: And I shall stroll toward one of them, and slap his forehead. ROSALIE: I will just stand still and wait for them to come to me. Then I will kill them with kisses and hugs. JASPER: NO! You fools! That will never work! Maybe I was excepting too much. But Jasper's explanation has let me down worse than the time I learned my imaginary friend Knick-Knack was really just some old perverted ghost. Emmett, of course, wants a rematch, but first Jasper wants to show Bella that Alice can take care of herself. Was Bella really worried about Alice? I know Alice is a good friend, but I think Bella is more concerned with, you know, Bella. Maybe instead of showing how fast and furious Alice can be, they should be dumping Bella on a plane to Antarctica where it's safe. Or showing Bella how to use a flame thrower. Or giving her a can of pepper spray. Something. Anything. But don't have Alice prancing around, showing off when trouble is afoot.

When the vampires kill Bella, I'm sure her last words will be, "I’m super glad to die knowing Alice can take care of herself. I love Mike Newton! Gurgle." Jasper and Alice spar, and Alice wins because she's so damn cute, spunky, and quick. (Boo!) The wolves watch and are impressed with Alice's speed and agility. And then Edward and Jasper spar. It's meant to be epic, because these dudes are evenly matched in terms of strength and speed, but I found this battle boring. I know. I know. I'm being a Bella by complaining about action when all I wanted from this book was action. I'm sorry. I'll try to enjoy this moment. Maybe Jasper will slay Edward by mistake. That would be kind of cool. I guess. The Jasper/Edward smackdown ends in a draw. (Boo!) The rest of the Cullens practice fighting, as Jasper gives instructions like a basketball coach. After a while, the training session ends. Jasper tells everyone there will be more practice tomorrow, and the wolves agree to come back to watch and learn. Werewolf Sam thinks it would be best to get the scent of all the good vampires, to avoid any confusion when the war begins. Carlisle says this is a good idea, and allows the wolves to sniff the Cullens. Now, Sam! Quick! Bite off Edward's man-parts! Of course, Sam doesn't bite Edward. (Boo!) As the wolves mingle with the vampires, Bella can see the werewolves more clearly. She recognizes Sam as the giant black wolf, and picks out the new werewolves, who are less graceful than the others. She spots the reddish-brown wolf, and knows this is Jacob. Wolf Jacob smiles, sort of, and Bella giggles. The two share a moment together, as Bella pets Wolf Jacob and he licks her face. Dude! We talked about your kisses! Do we need to have another chat? 'Cause I've got a few hours to kill, and a freezer filled with pizza bagels. This time, however, Bella doesn't punch Jacob, but playfully says, "Ew," and jumps away. She can't help but laugh, and Wolf Jacob and Bella seem to be having a good ole time. I like that. Edward doesn’t. He takes Bella's hand and asks if she's ready to go, as if she's a little kid who wants to leave a boring dinner party. Then Wolf Jacob sends Edward a mindthought, and Edward says, "It's more complicated than that. Don't concern yourself; I'll make sure it's safe." Bella wants to know what they are talking about. I think I figured it out. JACOB MIND-THOUGHT: Anyone can write a lullaby. All you need to do is make a song, and then make it worse. EDWARD: It's more complicated than that. JACOB MIND-THOUGHT: Are you worried that Bella will find your Hello Kitty

pillow-pal? EDWARD: Don't concern yourself; I'll make sure it's safe. Wolf Jacob darts off into the woods with the other wolves, and comes back moments later in human form wearing sweat slacks, or sweatpants, as the unsophisticated call them. He wants to speak for himself, without Edward translating. Or maybe he just wants Edward to get a good glimpse of his nude upper body, as the moonlight splashes against his chest, illuminating each muscle as if it were a work of art, his abs so defined they cast deep shadows across his stomach, like storm clouds throbbing in the night's…n'mind. (Yep. I'm still straight.) Jake is worried about Bella's safety during the war. He wants her to stay at La Push with the two new werewolves Collin and Brady. Edward isn't keen on the idea, because the evil vampires will know to look for Bella at La Push. This makes Bella worry for her father's safety, but Jacob says Charlie will be safe because he will be with Billy. What?! This doesn't make sense, and not because Billy is in a wheelchair. I've seen Murderball. I know how tough wheeled-warriors can be. But Billy is old, and not a werewolf. How will he stop a vampire attack? And why wouldn't the evil vampires go after Charlie? He must smell somewhat like Bella, right? And shouldn't Victoria know that Charlie could be used as a hostage to nab Bella? And shouldn't Jacob and Edward be a bit more concerned with Charlie's safety? Maybe send him on a trip to Antarctica… with Bella?! Why is Bella still here?!? Why?!? Why is even the coolest chapter in this book making me weep? But Dead-Ed doesn't even suggest sending Bella and Charlie away on a plane. Instead, he and Jacob think of ways to keep Bella hidden in the forest without the e-vamps smelling her freesia scent. Edward says they can't hide her yet, because Alice doesn't know which way the e-vamps will be coming from, adding, "We're not sure exactly which path they'll take, because they don't know yet." I want you to keep that sentence in mind, because I will mention it exactly 164 words from now. Jacob theorizes that his werewolf stench will hide Bella's odor from the army, and Edward thinks he might be right. So if Jacob carries Bella someplace safe, the bad guys wouldn't be able to follow Bella's stank. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand is not raised.) They put this theory to the test as Jacob carries Bella into the woods, and the Cullens try to follow the scent. The plan works. As long as Bella doesn't touch a leaf or tree limb, the vampires only smell Jacob. And then Jasper comes up with a plan. Bella should leave a false trail for the e-vamps to follow that will lead right into the baseball clearing, where the Cullens and the werewolves will be waiting. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand is not raised.)

Alice says the plan will work. Once Jasper decided on the plan, she got a vision of the plan succeeding. Neat, right? That makes perfect sense. (Sarcasm hand raised!) Just 164 words ago, I mentioned that Edward said they have no idea which way the vampires will attack. They e-vamps haven't made up their mind.s If the e-vamps have not decided how to attack Bella, how could Alice have a vision of Jasper's plan working? How!? No one seems to care besides me and my Alice Sucks Notebook. Jacob has another thought about where to place Bella during the actual fight. He suggests that the new werewolf named Seth watch over her at a hiding place. Seth will offer protection, and will help to hide her scent. Plus, if Seth remains in wolf form, he will be able to know what's happening in the fight by reading the minds of the other wolves. I agree. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand not raised.) Edward says, "It's a good idea." *Phlud* That sound you just heard was me hitting my head with my shoe in frustration. Edward has consistently said that werewolves are volatile and vicious, and has fretted if Bella so much as talked to a werewolf in human form over the phone. Now, he's not only allowing Bella to hang out with one of the werewolves, but agreeing that the werewolf must remain in wolf form. Plus it's a new werewolf, one who may not have the best control over his werewolf anger. And Edward is pretty much saying, "Tra-la-la. Werewolves are neat and wonderful. Tra-la-la." Edward was wrong to prejudge the werewolves, and I know Seth will not harm Bella. But Ed-dork changed his mind instantly. Year and years of hatred vanish in a flash, without any explanation. It's like saying, "Avatar sucks. I hate that movie," for months and months, and then one day, without warning, changing your tune and saying, "Avatar is all right, and should protect Bella." *Phlump* That sound you just heard was me hitting my head with my other shoe (the one with the sloppy, barely attached sole). The chapter ends, but not before I go back and reread the part about the werewolves approaching the clearing. Glowers: 0 (Book Total 12) Murmurs: 5 (Book total 49) Prediction: The fight begins!

EVIL VAMPIRE: Now, little Bella. You are mine! [RUSHES TOWARDS BELLA] JASPER: Attack! EVIL VAMPIRE: What the hell? No! Don't attack me sideways! Anything but sideways! And not so fast. Please slow down! Argh! [EVIL VAMPIRE DIES. REST OF VAMPIRE ARMY COMMITS SUICIDE INSTEAD OF FACING THE SPEED AND LETHAL SIDEWAYS ATTACK OF JASPER.] QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don't see age, only beauty. If you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 19 Chapter Nineteen: Selfish Better Title: Whatever Baby Wants, Baby Gets Not much happens in this chapter. So, instead of a traditional blog, I present to you this summary of events in poem form. Enjoy. T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke. She had slept in real late, and that is no joke She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care. They talk about gifts, and presents and such. She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch. He will give her a gift. Something old, something used. She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes. They yap about love, as I roll my eyes. Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies. I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now. So I will shut up, like some silent cow. Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look. She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook. See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan, To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan. She will not hide away during the big bad fight, But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite. Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps. So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs. How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague? I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog. What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know. Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?

Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight. She whines and complains, like she does every night. Edward says no, it's too filled with danger She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger. But Bella refuses her master's demand. If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand. She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work. So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk." Ed shakes his head. He will not give in. He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin. He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds. He used his dumb powers to read into their minds. One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude, But does she walk around all day nearly nude? The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long. I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look. I've been spending too much time with this lousy book. Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions. It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition. That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense. Sorry about that. And don't take offense. So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains. The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!" Think of the drama! This is going to be fun. Like watching a dating show on VH1. Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore. Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore. See, Embry's mom came here from way up north. And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth. Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem. Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm. OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom. His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom! I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch. I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch." But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog. I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.

That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell. And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail She makes a demand that is selfish and trite. "Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight." Belly won't mess with the vampire war If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more. She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle. Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle. Edward should fight; he should help his friends. But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s). He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks. But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks. Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck. I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck. How could you ask this? How? And why? Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die! Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect. Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect. Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache. And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake. So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food. Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood. Later that night they all go to fight practice. And…something, something, something cactus. Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none. They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one. I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick. But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic. Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me! Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry. Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap. I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap. My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan. I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan. And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck. I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck! Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right. Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight. Then something happens, that was not expected I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)

Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two. It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh. He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet. After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat. But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard. I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming. Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing. Glowers: 1 (Book Total 13) Murmurs: 4 (Book Total 53) Prediction: The battle begins, and Emmett fights bravely. He slays fifteen vampires, and wounds many more gravely. With an axe in each hand, he lays waste to them all. As Ed and B. shop for a new coat at the mall. Esme is killed, and she dies with honor. The vamps then kill Quil, Billy, Jasper, and Conner. But it's OK, Edward. You hang out with Belly. Don't worry about people dying. Go watch the telly.

Part 4/1 Blogging Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Part 18 Chapter Eighteen: Dumbledore's Army Better Title: The Hogwarts Secret Emergency Bathroom Harry, Hermione, and Ron are busy in Charms class trying to silence various animals with magic. I guess this would be like you and me taking algebra. And just like algebra students, these kids probably whine, "Ugh. This sucks. We're never going to use this in real life anyway." Which brings up another point: Do these students take real classes? Do they even know about math? If you ever suspect someone is a wizard, have her find the area of triangle. If she can't, she's a wizard. This is why I assume my 4-year-old cousin is a wizard. He can't do math. Plus, he speaks to snakes. Hermione and Harry are talking about mean Professor Umbridge, and how the evil teacher nearly caught Sirius Black visiting Harry. They also discuss holding a secret meeting to teach other kids how to protect themselves from the Dark Arts (since Umbridge is being a total b-word about Defense Against the Dark Arts class). Meanwhile, Ron has difficulties quieting his raven. Hermione says his problem is with his wand movements, and shows him how to do it correctly. Can someone without hands be a wizard? I guess not. You need to move your hand in a very specific way to perform magic. So limbless folks, or those simply suffering from arthritis (sorry, Grandma), need not apply. That seems unfair. Though it does mean defeating Voldemort should be easy. They can just break his hands. Then he'd be stuck. I'm sure there's a spell for doing that. If there's a spell for making a raven shut up, there must be a spell to break bones. It's probably "Breakus Handus Boneicus!" (giggle) Between classes, Angelina informs Harry and Ron that the Quidditch team is re-forming. Umbridge's ban on the sport has been lifted. Unfortunately, the weather has been nasty, and the team will need to practice during a horrible rain storm. Huh?

Hogwarts has bazillions of dollars. The school has its own freaking train! Not to mention a chamber of freaking secrets! You'd think they would spend a bit of that sweet tuition money to make an indoor Quidditch field. Hell, Detroit has an indoor football stadium and they're not even magical…or good at football. (Burn!) After Angelina leaves to spread the news about Quidditch, Hermione casts a worried look toward the window. The guys ask her what's wrong, and she confesses that the idea of meeting in secret to practice Defense Against the Dark Arts may be a mistake. Hermione is right. (My sarcasm wand is raised.) Ron is dumbstruck, since it was Hermione's idea to break the rules and practice Defense Against the Dark Arts in the first place. Hermione explains that she loved the idea until Sirius told them he loved it too. If he likes it, that means it's probably reckless and dangerous. That's why I love Sirius. He is reckless. I know I keep going on and on about how great he is. I even wrote that 3,298 word poem about him way back in Blogging Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Part 21. I just think he's amazing. I wish this entire book were about Sirius. He is the scoundrel with the heart of gold. He is the unpredictable rebel that plays by his own rules. He is the madman without a plan. He is…Sirius Black [CUE THUNDERCLAP]. I sure hope nothing bad happens to him. After Quidditch practice, Harry's scar begins to throb with pain. Ron asks what happened, and Harry explains that his scar hurts because Voldemort is angry about something. Harry can feel Voldemort's emotions. When He Who Must Not Be Named is upset, Harry feels it. When Voldey is happy, Harry feels that too. Why? Well, it makes perfect sense: there's, um…a prophecy?...and…um…Hey look, Dobby's here! Hi Dobby! Dobby shows up in the middle of the night after Harry falls asleep doing homework. The house elf is collecting the hats Hermione has left out for all the house elves. Harry wakes up and chats with the Dobb-ster for a bit. Anyone else would look silly wearing a bunch of different hats on his head. But not Dobby. He makes it work. He looks chill. That's because Dobby keeps it real. He's such a player. I want a house elf. I would name him Doodles and he would make macaroni and cheese —the good kind with the crunchy breadcrumbs on top. Doodles would also spy on my enemies and steal their money. And we'd have a secret handshake. Dobby is about to leave, but asks if there is anything he can do for Harry. Harry says there is something he needs: a room. If he is going to be secretly teaching 25 kids how to defend against the Dark Arts, he's going to need a room where they won't be discovered by the evil Umbridge. Harry doesn’t really expect Dobby to have an answer for him; he was merely thinking out loud. But, of course, the Dob-Dude knows just the right place for Potter to hold his training session: The Room of Requirement.

According to Dobbers, there's a secret room in one of the hallways of the school that only reveals itself to someone who desperately needs it. So, for instance, if you need a hammock in the worst way, you simply walk past this seemingly empty hallway, thinking about how you need a hammock, and then POOF, the door will appear and inside will be a room filled with hammocks. Harry remembers that Dumbledore mentioned such a room a while back. Dumbledore said he once needed a restroom, and then suddenly came upon a room filled with just what he needed. This is why, whenever I walk down hallways that seem empty and door-less, I always think to myself, "I need a million dollars, a robot, cool shoes, some cake, another robot, a robot instruction book, and a house elf named Doodles." Hey, you never know… I wonder what would happen if you walked past this room thinking, "I really need a room that is visible to everyone and has no magical powers whatsoever"? The world would implode, probably. The following day in Herbology class, Harry tells Ron and Hermione about the secret room. By the way, isn't it convenient that Herbology is taught by someone named Professor Sprout? Why isn't Potions taught by Professor Cauldron or Professor BubblingLiquid? And what if Professor Sprout hated plants and wanted to go into another line of work? Maybe she was forced into her occupation based on her name. Maybe she wanted to be a pilot or an architect. SPROUT: Mr. Skyscraper, I want to be an architect, just like you. MR. SKYSCRAPER: What's your name? SPROUT: My name is Sprout, sir. Pomona Sprout. MR. SKYSCRAPER: Yours is the name of a farmer! Get the hell out of my office and go back to your dirty filthy garden, you lousy farmer! The three musketeers spread the word to those students who signed up for Harry's secret class, telling them where to meet and how to access the room. Later, Harry finds the Room of Requirement just as Dobby said he would. Once everyone is settled inside, Harry begins to teach some magic tips they can use to fight Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Harry has everyone practice the stunning spell. There are a few groans from the students who think such a spell will be useless against the Dark Lord. But Harry tells them that he's personally used the spell against Voldemort, and it saved his life. That shuts everyone up, and they all pair off to practice on one another. Question: Why don't they just learn Avada Kedavra, a.k.a The Killing Curse? It's the only spell they really need. I know it's illegal. But come on! If Voldemort or one of his goons is coming at me, I'm not going to be too worried about breaking the magic law. I'm going to kill that slit-nosed freak. It's as if someone told you, "Simply saying the word 'blueberry' while standing on one foot will kill whomever you're looking at. But please never try it, even if someone is

attacking you. If you're being assaulted, simply shove the evil person. Or, if you must, shove him with both hands." Would you listen to such odd advice? I don't get it. The training session continues. Harry gives some pointers, and everyone, even Neville, is having a good time. Harry eventually builds up enough courage to walk over to Cho Chang and see how she's handling the spell. He is crushing on Chang so hard that it's sick. I don't mind Harry falling in love. I just wish he would fall for someone with a bit more personality. Cho is boring. Really boring. Why would Harry fall for her, when standing right next to her is Luna Lovegood? Luna is the best! She's crazy, but sweet. She's funny, and wildly creative. She doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She's got more bravery than she knows what to do with. She is the wild flower growing amongst the weeds. She is the bird whose song no one can sing. She is...Luna Lovegood [CUE THE OPENING SONG FROM THE LION KING]. She also happens to be the best character in this book, besides Sirius, Snape, George, Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Fred. Harry, kiss Luna! Kiss her now, you fool! But instead, the chapter ends with Harry thinking about tired, yawn-inducing Miss Chang. Well, Harry, I hope you enjoy living the rest of your life with the world's most boring witch. Wotchers: 0 (Book total 7) Murmurs: 2 (Book total 4) Prediction: Harry ends up marrying Cho. The two have a wonderful life together... [PHONE RINGS] CHO: Answer the phone, Harry. HARRY: [Answers the phone] Hello? CHO: Harry, can you keep it down? I'm trying to finish this sudoku puzzle. HARRY: Sorry, honey. LUNA: [On the other end of the phone] 'Sup H-Dog? Long time no see. I just fought a bunch of troll-zards. They were part troll, part wizard. Then I discovered a new island made of magic and wonder. And then Neville and I had a picnic on the back of a giant flying ferret. And now I'm just chilling out at home with my pet cyclops. HARRY: That sound fun, Luna. I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and— CHO [From the other room]: Harry! Shh! You're so loud! You made me mess up my sudoku. And I'm doing it in pen. Idiot! LUNA: So what have you been up to, Harry? HARRY: Well, today I took Cho to see that Jennifer Aniston movie. And then we went shopping for a new purse for Cho. We thought about buying a new water filter for our water jug, but we were both kind of tired. Then I suggested having pancakes for dinner, but Cho said that was ridiculous because pancakes are a breakfast food. So we had salad instead. Now we're watching Brothers and Sisters, and she's doing her puzzles. She'll be doing that until bedtime.

LUNA: Oh. Gee. Um…that sounds…really…neat. HARRY: Tomorrow we're going into town to buy that new water filter. LUNA: Cool. Tomorrow I'm going into town to buy a magical, wish-granting walrus. Maybe I'll run into you. HARRY: I'd like that. CHO: [From the other room] Harry! Get off the phone! Brothers and Sisters is back on! And bring me some tea. And don't screw it up like you always do! LUNA: I'll see you around, Harry. Bye. HARRY: Sometimes Cho calls me Cedric when we're intimate. LUNA: What? I didn't hear you? HARRY: Never mind. [cries softly] Goodbye, Luna.

Blogging Eclipse: Part 20 Chapter Twenty: Compromise Better Title: Bella the Beggar Sex. See how I wrote that word? It's an easy word to type. Sex. There, I did it again. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Heck, I can even do it with my eyes closed. Sdx. Well, you get the point. Sex is not a bad word. In fact, it's perhaps the most important word, because without sex, we wouldn't be alive. Can we all agree on this? Great. So if sex is a nice, important word, why does Stephenie Meyer go out of her way to avoid using it? Throughout these books, she dances around the topic like a cackling schoolgirl who doesn't want to get in trouble for being naughty. If Meyer allowed herself to use the word, this chapter would be three pages long, instead of 26. And I would have finished this blog an hour ago and gone outside to sit on the porch, enjoying the beautiful weather as I tried to bend squirrels with my mind. In this chapter, Bella keeps alluding to sex in the most roundabout ways. Sometimes I think she's going to actually say the word, but Edward usually cuts her off. It's rather funny. It's like watching a roller coaster that never quite makes it over the first hill, leaving on the ride bored, tired, and confused. Of course, there's a chance I'm wrong, and this entire chapter isn't about sex. Maybe Bella simply wants to see Edward naked. Or maybe she just wants to wrestle or play Aggressive Twister. It's all so vague. In case you can't tell, I didn't enjoy this chapter. Why? I'm glad you asked. 1. Emmett doesn't show up. 2. Jacob doesn't show up. 3. This chapter includes a record-breaking nine murmurs! 4. This chapter includes 67 scenes of kissing and endless talk about souls. 5. After reading Harry Potter last week, I was spoiled by good writing and interesting characters, neither of which can be found in this chapter. That said, I can understand how some people may like this chapter. There is a lot of emotion and romance. The two lovers almost have s-e-x. And it ends with a major plot

development, even if we all saw it coming a mile away. It's not the worst chapter in the book, but it's clearly not meant for me. It's like when someone points to a bridge and tells me, "See that bridge, Dan? It's an engineering marvel!" And I look at the bridge and nod, but secretly I'm thinking about dinosaurs and time machines. I can't really appreciate the bridge. Bridges are not my cup of tea. This chapter is a lot like a dumb bridge. Sort of. Does that make sense? I like triceratopses. If you wondering why I haven't begun to summarize the events, it's because there isn't much to summarize in this chapter. Bella and Edward chit-chat about love. Bella wants to sleep with Edward in the worst way, and thinks this is the perfect opportunity because they are all alone in the Cullen house. She rips off Edward's clothes, but he stops her. And they talk, and talk, and talk, and kiss, and kiss, and kiss. Bella is worried that after she becomes a vamp, sex won't be the same. So she wants to give it a try before she becomes a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. They end up making a deal: Edward will have sex with Bella before she turns into a vampire, but only if Bella marries him first. So they agree to have sex, but not during this chapter. So if you're not allowed to see or read about sex scenes, go ahead and open your eyes. I'm not going to describe anything. It's safe. WIENERS AND BOOBS! Got ya! Haha. The chapter ends with Edward proposing to Bella with his mother's engagement ring. That's sweet. (But Bella, wash it first. It still might have deadly flu germs.) Bella accepts, and we all say, "Awww," like the studio audience at a sitcom. OK. The summary is out of the way. Here are ten things I don't understand about this chapter. First, Edward is reluctant to have sex with Bella because he's worried he would kill her. How does he know this? In this chapter, he more or less confirms that he's a virgin. If he's never had sex, he has no idea how he will react. And even if vampires have crazy, wild, off-the-wall sex, I find it hard to believe that Eddie couldn't restrain himself a little bit. I really like apple pie, but when I see one, I don't grab it by the fistful and cram it into my mouth. Second, why does Edward give in to Bella's demand? I know he should give in. (Please see above paragraph for my reasons.) But it doesn't add up. For two and half book he's been telling us he can't sleep with Bella because it's the most dangerous thing in the entire world. More dangerous than lava! But now, over the course of a few pages, he's fine with the idea. It's like when Edward suddenly allowed Bella to hang out with werewolves. He has these huge shifts in character that can only be explained with, "Well…he just changed his mind. That's all." If he really thought sex would be dangerous with a human, he should have put up a better fight.

Third, Edward says they can only have sex if they're married, because he wants to make sure Bella goes to heaven. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Edward is right. Heaven exists and to get in you can only have sex after you're married. Cool. But what do you think good ole St. Peter is going to say to Bella when she's standing at the pearly gates? BELLA: I want to go to heaven, Mr. Peter. ST. PETER: It's Saint Peter, ma'am. Let me just look over your records. Hmm. BELLA: Is there anything wrong? ST. PETER: Well, you lied to your dad a lot. He's a cop. So that's, like, double bad. You never ever went to church. Oh, and it says here that you let thousands upon thousands of people die in Italy. You didn't even tell the police, or send the families a sympathy card? BELLA: Yeah…um, that's because stopping the violence would have been crazy-hard. Those vampires were mean. One of them could even tell if you had a secret crush on someone else! ST. PETER: But you were only sad about it for one afternoon. BELLA: Yeah. I got over it rather quickly. Eh, no use crying over spilled milk. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. ST. PETER: That doesn't make sense. BELLA: Whatever. I didn't have sex until I was married, so let me up in your fancy cloud house. ST. PETER: Oh? I didn't know that! Step right in and grab a harp. BELLA: Really? ST. PETER: No. You're going to hell. Bye. Fourth, isn't there a war going on? Why are we wasting time at a cuddle party? Why haven't they put Bella on a plane to Antarctica where she will be far away from danger? Why is Bella still in Forks? I'll award 40 Dan Points to anyone who can answer this. No, make it 41 Dan Points. I really want to know. Fifth, the plan to protect Charlie is void of all reason and logic. The war is about to began, and to make sure Charlie is safe, they send him to La Push, where two young werewolves are patrolling the area. Fair enough. But Bella tells us that Billy and Charlie will spend the day sea fishing. Sea fishing? That implies fishing…in the sea. If my memory is correct, vampires are even more dangerous in the ocean than on land. They're excellent swimmers. And the werewolves can't patrol the entire ocean. Plus, werewolves can't (or don't) swim very well because they always let Victoria escape into the sea. So the plan to keep Charlie protected is to put him in the one area where he is in the greatest danger? Why not dump gasoline on Charlie and light him on fire to keep him safe? Sixth, Bella should be evacuating the town, right? She gives her concert tickets to Angela, Ben, and Mike so these guys will be safe and out of Forks during the war. Bella is glad to hear that Mike is taking Jessica with them. (Why is Bella so concerned with mean-bean Jessica?) But she makes no mention of E-rock, Conner, Tyler, that dude whose name I can't remember but it sounds like a city, or any of the adults? Sorry, guys. Guess you're all going to die. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. Seventh, what's with all these stupid deals? First, Edward says Bella can only be turned into a vampire after she graduates. Then he says he will do the honors himself, but only if

she agrees to marry him. Then Bella says she will stay behind during the war only if Edward agrees to stay behind with her. Now she says she will only marry Edward if they have sex before she's a vampire, and Edward says they can have sex but only if she marries him first. What the hell is going on? Are they lovers, or are they two kids trading lunches? BELLA: I will marry you, but only if you give me a pudding. EDWARD: Agreed. And we can lose our virginity tonight, but that means I get to pick what movie we're seeing this weekend. Murmur. Eighth, Bella shouldn't beg for sex. It's weird. She sounds like a crack addict and I'm sure it's a turnoff for Eddie. From page 448: "Please," I finally whispered hopeless. "It's all I want. Please." And few sentences later she says "Please," three more times. Again, because Ms. Meyer isn't straightforward, I cannot say for certain that Bella is begging for sex. I've heard this exact same phrase from kids at the grocery story begging their mom or dad to buy the sugary cereal. Maybe all Bella wants is some Count Chocula. Ninth, I hate Alice. And finally, this may sound like your health teacher, but there are many ways a couple can express themselves physically that do not involve sex. If Bella read a few informative pamphlets, and Edward had a man-to-man talk with Carlisle, this entire chapter could have been avoided. I'm sorry if this became gross or uncomfortable. I tried to keep things professional and family-friendly. There are a whole list of questions I have regarding vampire reproduction, but until SparkNotes launches their R-rated website, I'll just keep quiet, and giggle. Glowers: 1 (Book total 14) Murmurs: 9 (Book total 62) Prediction: On their wedding night, Edward and Bella may finally take their relationship to the next level. BELLA: I want to have….um… EDWARD: Ah yes. It's time for us to share a special hug. BELLA: Oh yes! The special hug. I want to special hug you so bad. EDWARD: Stop! I think we should wait. BELLA: Wait for what? I graduated high school. We're married. Why should we wait? EDWARD: I think we should wait until you watch The Sixth Sense. BELLA: Huh? EDWARD: Well, you haven't seen it yet. And I have. BELLA: So? EDWARD: There's a chance that in the throes of passion, I may lose control of my

senses and accidentally blurt out the ending. BELLA: … EDWARD: That's a risk I'm not willing to take, Lamb. BELLA: Fine. Whatever. I'll watch your dumb movie. LATER THAT NIGHT BELLA: Edward, what's taking so long? I'm ready for love. EDWARD: What's that? I couldn't hear you. I'm busy downloading The Sixth Sense over this dial-up internet connection. BELLA: What? EDWARD: It's taking awhile. But it's already at 14%. I don't want to stop it now. I'd have to start all over again. BELLA: Are you stalling? Are you afraid of being naked? EDWARD: Can't hear you, Lamb. I'm downloading! This might take a couple of hours. You should probably go to bed. TWO DAYS LATER BELLA: Why won't you have sex with me!? EDWARD: Bella! How dare you use that sort of language? BELLA: I'm tired of waiting, Edward! EDWARD: I just want to make sure everything is perfect. I may lose control during our special hug. What if I'm so overcome with lust that I frame you for a murder you didn't commit? Or what if I can't control myself, and I mistakenly sew your toes together? BELLA: That's not going to happen. You're just making stuff up because you're scared. EDWARD: What if, during our special hug, I suddenly gain the ability to breathe fire, and I accidentally light the bed on fire with my love breath? I better fireproof this whole room— BELLA: I'm leaving you, Edward. You're being weird. You obviously don't want to have "special hugs" with me. I'm going to marry Jacob or Mike. Maybe even E-rock. EDWARD: Fine. Good. Why don't you go and give special hugs to everyone, you lousy special hug addict! BELLA: I can't believe I thought you were cool. EDWARD: My next lullaby shall be called "Bella Will Give Anyone a Special Hug." BELLA: Later. Loser… EDWARD: [SINGING] Bella is a foul-mouthed woman, who smells a lot like rotting bugs. Her face is dumb, and I hate her, because she'll give anyone special hugs….

Blogging Eclipse: Part 21 Chapter Twenty-One: Trails Better Title: Almost a Good Chapter Maybe it's the warmer weather or the longer days, but I actually liked this chapter. No. Strike that. Like is too strong a word. I lesshated this chapter. (I feel the same way diet pudding and Jurassic Park 3.) It begins with Bella waking up in the Cullen house. She is no longer wearing the engagement ring because she hates the idea of marrying Edward. Or maybe the ring is impossible to detect with the naked eye. She tells us, "My left hand felt heavier, like [the ring] was still in place, just invisible." Oh boy. Don't get me started on invisible rings. Those suckers are never worth the price, and I always end up losing them at the pool. She reminds us for the umpteenth time that marriage is not really her cup of tea. She'll only marry Eddie if they do it in Vegas, without much of a ceremony, and she wants to wear sweatpants during the wedding to really drive the point home that she's not into matrimony. I'm surprised she doesn't add, "And when the justice of the peace asks me if I take you as my husband, I'm going to shrug. And then when it's time to kiss, I'm just going to give you a fist bump. Also, I'm wearing sweatpants with words on the butt. And I'm not wearing a shirt. That would be too formal. I'll wear a bikini top or maybe just some tape." The Cullens return home from their hunting trip. Alice is in a pissy mood. Poor thing is all flustered by the fact that she can't see the future because the werewolves are involved. (I'm smiling. I know it's petty of me, but when Alice is sad, it makes me happy, and I think it makes me taller too.) Today, Bella and Edward will walk around the woods so Bella can leaves her scent for the bad vampire army to follow. After that, Jacob will carry her to a hiding spot on the mountain where she'll camp out until the war is over. That's the plan. Got it? Good. Alice tells Edward, "I think that you're going to want to pack for cold weather." Why would Edward need warm clothes? I thought he was a vampire. Maybe I misread something, and he's not a vampire, just really annoying and pretentious. Is Alice telling

him what to pack for Bella? If so, that's downright rude. Bella is standing right there. Once again, the Cullens treat Bella like a little kid who not only can't pack her own suitcase, but probably needs to bring along her Gameboy or else she'll get bored on the trip. Better pack some crayons, too, and a juice box. I don't like Bella (duh), but I especially don't like the way the Cullens treat her. They always act like they're so much better than her. And whenever Bella says something important, such as, "Victoria is probably behind this whole thing," the Cullens don’t even care. During these pages, I felt sorry for Bella. Stop looking at me like that. Bella calls up Jacob to arrange a meeting place in the forest. When Bella hangs up, she sees Alice and Edward having a staring contest. Or maybe they're using their dumb vampires power to chit-chat with each other. Speaking of vampires…WHY DON'T THEY SEND BELLA TO ANTARCTICA?! I know. I know. They need to use her scent to leave a trail. I get that. I do. Really. But after she leaves the trail, Jacob could take her on a plane to the South Pole, where she'd be safe with the penguins and Anti-Claus (Santa Claus' evil twin, who climbs into your home through the fridge and takes things…but only if you're good. Instead of flying reindeer, he rides atop tunneling birds, obviously). Bella catches the tail end of Alice's argument with Edward, as Alice says, "This isn't about you, Edward." I bet this is about souls, isn't it? Actually, it isn't. It's about weddings. Alice hates the idea of Bella getting married in Vegas. She wants to plan a proper wedding for her, complete with a real minister, because the Cullens are mean and disrespectful towards Bella's wishes. Alice wears Bella down after some more arguing and sad faces. Do you see what I mean about the Cullens? Bella has made it clear that she doesn't want a wedding. And I believe her. I don't think this is a case of Bella pretending not to want a wedding but secretly hoping someone throws her a surprise ceremony. (Unlike that time I told everyone I didn't want an ant farm for my birthday, but secretly I wanted one in the worst possible way. Still do…kind of. But whatever. Ant farms are dumb. I don't want one. No, really. They're so dumb and childish. Especially the cool ones made with blue gel. Those are super dumb. They're also on sale at the learning store. They're probably on sale because they're so dumb.) Bella hates weddings. But Alice forces one on her. Is this as bad as kidnapping Bella just so Alice could get a fancy Porsche? No. It's only a party, after all. But the idea of treating Bella like a puppy still bothers me. I may be oversensitive today. By the way, you should know I'm sobbing right now, and whimpering, "Leave Bella alone." The worn-down Bella succumbs to Alice's wishes, and Alice prances off to buy glitter, flowers, salad, lip gloss, shoes, and other items a stereotypical girly-girl would buy after winning an argument.

Before she leaves, Alice asks to see the ring, but Bella says she's not wearing it. (Or is it invisible? Hmm.) Alice then makes some vague comment that Edward has already given Bella diamond jewelry. We'll later learn that the heart charm Edward gave Bella is probably one big diamond. Note to self: Rob Bella. Another note to self: Ask Emmett to teach me how to kill a man with a bubble wand… because no one would expect to be killed with a bubble wand. Therefore it's the perfect weapon. With the camping gear packed, Edward and Bella head out into the forest to leave the false trail. Edward tells Bella which way to walk, and as they proceed, she drops strands of hair and touches trees to make sure her stink is everywhere. I can't think of anything funny to say about that. So apropos of nothing: Sometimes I look at trees and wonder if they're just growing or if they're trying to slowly escape Earth. They talk about weddings. Edward is sorry for Alice's behavior. He offers a compromise and says that even if Alice plans the event, it can still be a small, intimidate gathering, and Emmett could even become ordained online and perform the ceremony himself. Emmett! Hi Emmett! Oh. Wait. He's not really there. They're just talking about him. Eh. Whatever. I would love to go to the Church of Emmett. His sermons wouldn't deal with boring matters of faith, temptation, and redemption. They would deal with karate, how to catch an arrow in your bare hands, and giant sand worms. After the service, everyone would probably get fireworks and orange-drink. After a bit of walking, they reach the clearing where the good vampires will wait for the bad vampires. Bella trips and cuts her hand open on the ground. Oh crap! Jasper's going to run out and eat her! It was nice knowing you, Bella. The End Hmm. Jasper? You there, buddy? No? Damn. Edward offers to help clean Bella's wound, but she won’t let him. Instead, she uses her bloody hand to leave an even smellier trail, as she slathers blood on nearby rocks and trees. You have to admire her work ethic, but I must ask: Why doesn't she pee all over the place too? And with that, my lemonade has become infinitely less delicious. She finally allows Edward to look at the wound. He says he's no longer tempted by her blood because…um…I don't know. Let's say he was struck by wizard lightning. The real reason makes even less sense. (Hint: It's about love.)

The two forever buddies then meet up with Jacob in the woods. Jake will carry Bella to the hiding place while Edward navigates a different path so as not to mix up the werewolf scent. And this is where the chapter really worked for me. Jacob acts cocky. A bit too cocky. But I dig it. I've said it before, but there's a certain Han Solo vibe about him, and it's even more obvious as he jogs with Bella in his arms. Watch The Empire Strikes Back, and tell me you don't see Jacob as Han and Bella as a whinier, less confident version of Princess Leia. Go on, watch it. You're not watching it, are you? Why are you being so difficult today? Is this about my hat? I don't care what others think. I'm wearing it! Throughout this trek, Jake says Bella has a big crush on him, but she doesn't realize it yet. She denies the allegation. She's still ticked off about his forced kiss. But Jacob doesn't give up. That's the difference between Jacob, Edward, and Mike Newton. Jacob is filled with amazing self-confidence. Edward is filled with clichéd, generic greeting card emotions. And Mike acts like a nerdy baby bird who is too afraid to fly. They all have different approaches to kissing a girl. JACOB: You. Me. Kissing. Let's do this! EDWARD: My heart is like an ocean of love drowning in an ocean of passion. Softly part thy lips and let me whisper darkness into your soul. MIKE: Um…do you think that maybe, if you're not busy, that maybe…you could put your lips, like, on my lips for like a few seconds? Or whatever. I'm just kidding. Whatever. I have to go now. Marry me? Just kidding. Sort of. Whatever. And that's why I like Jacob. Sure, he's a bit of an ass. But this book needs more of that. Jacob and Emmett are the only characters who have a speck of personality. Everyone else acts like a mannequin. I know a lot of people love Edward. But answer me this, Ed-fans: if you had a chance to hang out with him, what, exactly, would you talk about? FAN: OMG! I think you're cute and brave. EDWARD: Thanks. FAN: … EDWARD: … FAN: So. What do you like to do? EDWARD: I don't sleep because I'm a vampire. FAN: Uh-huh. EDWARD: … FAN: What are your interests? EDWARD: I once had the flu and I'm also good at high school. FAN: Neat. [Yawns] EDWARD: … FAN: I'm going to go now. My mom is picking me up in three hours. I better wait outside.

Now imagine yourself hanging out with either Emmett or Jacob. You're smiling, aren't you? See what I mean? Jake lugs Bella through the trees, and continues to remind her that he's much better than Edward. He brags and says she can't resist his hot, super tight body. I guess you could read this and say Jacob is being a narcissistic jerk. But I read it as if he's goofing around. Besides, it's not like he spends all day looking in the mirror. The dude can't help it that he's a walking fitness model, just as I can't help it that my shins are so sexy it's almost a crime. (It's both a gift and a curse.) But Jacob says he won't fight Edward for Bella, at least not tonight. He knows that they'll need all available warriors to stop the newborn vampire army. This makes Bella cringe, because the spoiled brat has demanded that Edward stay behind during the battle. She tells Jacob this, and he's a bit confused. Bella tries to explain herself, saying that she can't risk losing Edward. Jake thinks it over and says, "That doesn't mean he loves you more than I do." Bella replies, "But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged." You're damn right he wouldn't stay with you, Belly. You're a fool. You're a greedy fool who wants the entire world to bend to your every wish. The fact that Edward agreed to stay with you doesn't mean he loves you. It means he's an easily manipulated idiot. You could tell him to do anything, and if you begged enough, he would. BELLA: Eddie, will you kill all the birds in the world? I don't like them because they don't have hands. EDWARD: Um…I don’t think I can do that. BELLA: Pweeeeese? EDWARD: OK. Where does Emmett keep his bird sword? That's not love. Love isn't about being bossed around. It's about communication, understanding, and knowing who you will sit with on the roller coaster so that you don't have the awkward "I'm sitting with Sarah, but who's sitting with Leroy?" debate moments before the ride starts. Bella changes the subject and they talk about werewolf lineage. Jacob says he should be the Alpha Male of the werewolves, since his great grandfather was the first werewolf. But when Sam offered Jake the role of leader, Jacob refused. He's not ready for the responsibility. Yet. They eventually find Edward, who has set up camp. A bad storm is moving in and Jacob , Edward, and Bella get ready to camp out. Oh man. I bet the next chapter turns into an allout orgy! Glowers: 0 (Book total 14) Murmurs: 1 (Book total 63)

Prediction: The next chapter is an all-out orgy. And by orgy, I mean "awkward talky-time." EDWARD: Bella, you need to get some rest. Brush your teeth and moisturize your skin. And don't forget to floss. BELLA: OK. JACOB: Why do you tell Bella what to do all the time? EDWARD: Because if I don't, she'll die. JACOB: You're not giving her a chance. EDWARD: Fine. You think she can survive on her own? Check this out. [To Bella] Lamb, Jake and I are going to step outside of the tent for a minute. You'll be fine on your own, right? BELLA: Yeppers! [Jacob and Edward leave for one minute and then return to find Bella covered in blood and missing a foot] EDWARD: What happened? BELLA: Well, I wasn't sure if I should cut off my own foot or not. And Eddie wasn't around to tell me to stop. So… JACOB: But…but…but… BELLA: It's all good. My foot doesn't hurt. Just the part where my foot connected to my leg hurts. So I don't think I need to see a doctor. JACOB: But…but…but… BELLA: And I brushed the wound with toothpaste because the bone looked like a tooth to me. Then I used your cellphone to wire all my money to some needy man named SpAMFILE. JACOB: But…I… BELLA: I may have also become addicted to opiates. Not really sure yet. JACOB: We were only gone for a minute! BELLA: Wait. Hold on. Um…yep. I'm addicted to opiates. Weird, right? EDWARD: [Turns to Jacob] Now do you understand? JACOB: I…but… BELLA: Do you have any opiates? Or foot glue?

Blogging Eclipse: Part 22 Chapter Twenty-Two: Fire and Ice Better Title: The Pleasure Tent Whoa boy. Anyone else feeling warm? [Fans himself] This chapter is filled with sexual tension, and not the lousy "Edward Can't Sleep With Bella" kind, either. It's spilling over with Jacob-Tension, or Jension, as I like to call it. And it all takes place in the confines of a tiny, crowded tent, under a hot and sweaty sleeping bag. Light a candle and put on some Prince music; it's about to get a little Jexual up in here. It's two in the morning on the eve of the big battle, and Bella is hiding inside a tent up on the mountains. Edward is by her side, and Jacob is just outside the tent keeping guard. But the storm has dropped the temperature to such a degree that Bella can't sleep. She lies awake, chattering her teeth in the freezing tent. Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit could this have? EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella! EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed! EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally screwed. EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them. EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself] Ed mockingly suggests that Wolf Jacob fetch Bella a space heater. You can probably tell what's about to happen. Wolf Jacob transforms back into Half-Naked Human Jacob and offers to snuggle up with Bella in her seemingly useless sleeping bag. At first Edward and Bella object, but Jacob knows this is the only way to keep Bella safe from hypothermia and frost bite. So, the shirtless Jacob slides into the sleeping bag with Bella, and holds her close to his warm, muscular body. Oh my. He begins to run his hot hands all over her body. Oh my.

He even suggests Bella remove her clothing to help speed up the warming process. Oh my! But she doesn't. Oh no. Bella is still angry with Jacob for the bad kiss from a few chapters ago, and for his cocky attitude during their trip to the camp. She's in no mood to have his massive body rubbing up against her chilly frame. But she can't resist his warmth, and after a few moments, she finds herself holding him and rubbing her feet against his hot god-like legs. I mean "hot" as in temperature, not attractiveness. I'm straight. And when I call his legs god-like it's not because I admire them, it's because that's what guys do. Like talking about sports and trucks, we often compare each others' body parts to gods. What? All the while, Edward must watch. And I'm smiling. And now I'm laughing. It's fun to see Edward be so utterly useless and pitiful as he watches his enemy cuddle his girlfriend like a snake cuddling its prey. Plus, Edward is forced to read Jacob's mind during this sweaty, sexy grope-a-thon, so he knows all of Jake's wild thoughts and fantasies regarding Belly. You almost feel bad for Edward. But then you remember that he's the idiot who thought the best place to hide wouldn't be inside a nice hotel, but up on a mountain. So deal with it, Lullaby Lad. You've made your bed, now watch Bella and Jacob lie in it. Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves? Huh? Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one: 1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf? 2. Why not? 3. Please? 4. What's it like being amazing? 5. Can you time travel? 6. Could you eat a dinosaur? 7. Are you sure you can't time travel? 8. Do you have a best friend?

9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs? 10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform? 11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind. 12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree? 13. Where does your tail go? 14. Ke$ha sucks, right? 15. What song should we sing at karaoke night? But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh* What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair. Okaaaay... So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf. She'd just be a pile of fur, like Robin Williams but funnier. (Zing!) But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf questionnaire. Anyway, Jacob says he's growing his hair out because he thought Bella liked it that way. Bella can finally rest easy, now that she knows all the secrets about wolf hair. As she's about to doze off, she hears Edward and Jacob chit-chatting. She keeps her eyes closed, but listens in to their conversation. Because Edward can read Jacob's mind, Jake thinks it's only fair that Edward answer a few questions. Eddie agrees, and for the rest of the chapter these two monsters have a very civilized conversation about love, because that's what two monsters do when they're together. (Sarcasm hand is raised) This is ridiculous. We all know that Stephenie Meyer has a tin ear for dialogue, so I won't attack her yet again for the awkward words these two guys say to each other. But this entire scene is as forced and unnatural as a llama in a evening gown. This would never happen. Jacob would never have a heart-to-heart with Edward. And Edward would never be so forthcoming about his deepest desires to the one man he

thinks has the potential to steal Bella away from him. I'm surprised the conversation didn't include: EDWARD: My heart belongs to Bella, and yet I'm jealous of your friendship with her. By the way, my pin number is 50202, and my email password is Lullaby-Guy18. And if you're going to tell your sworn enemy how much you love Bella, you probably shouldn't do it while your sworn enemy is dry-humping the love of your life. How can anyone read this section and keep a straight face? I'm tempted to march down to the movie theater and buy an advance ticket to Eclipse just so I can see this scene on the big screen. And then I want to buy the DVD just to watch the bonus feature "Love Tent: Making the Most Awkward Scene In Cinema History," which will no doubt include this bit of behind-the-scenes footage: ROBERT PATTINSON: Sorry mate, but it says in the script that I'm going to tell Jacob how much I love Bella. DIRECTOR: Yep. PATTINSON: But Jacob is grinding on Bella, right? DIRECTOR: Yeah, to keep her warm. PATTINSON: It don't make no sense, mate. KRISTEN STEWART: [Fidgets] TAYLOR LAUTNER: Why would Jacob ask Edward about love at all? Jacob doesn't care about Edward. He just wants Bella. These two shouldn't be having any sort of conversation. It's weird. Guys don't talk like this. DIRECTOR: But in the book… PATTINSON: Sharkboy is right. This scene is bollocks. KRISTEN STEWART: [Twitches] DIRECTOR: But the audience wants to see it. It's provocative, and filled with jension! PATTINSON: What the bloody 'ell is "jension"? DIRECTOR: "Jacob Tension." I read it on this amazing blog written by the handsome wordsmith Daniel Adam Bergstein. PATTINSON: Oh right. Danny B. I know him. He is really handsome. Strong too. DIRECTOR: He has great taste in music, and his wrists are adequate. LAUTNER: I wish I were him. KRISTEN STEWART: [Touches her hair in spastic manner] The conversation in the book is rambling, and doesn't tell us anything new. But I'll paraphrase the information in traditional magazine interview format, with Jacob's questions in bold. JACOB: Are you jealous of me? EDWARD: Yep. Bella enjoys spending time with you. It makes me sad. Does it bug you that you can't read Bella's mind? No. Bella would be sad if I could read her mind. I don't like Bella when she's sad. Why did you suddenly become a nice guy and allow Bella to visit La Push? Because she was sad.

If Bella changed her mind and picked me over you, would you kill me? No. That would make her sad. What did it feel like when you left her during the last book? "That's very difficult for me to talk about. "