Bhakti Vrksa Student Handbook.doc

Bhakti-vrksa Preaching Workshop Student Handbook

Congregational Development Ministry

International Society for Krishna Consciousness Founder-Acarya: His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada

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Bhakti-vrksa Preaching Workshop Course Schedule Day One - Underlying Principles Lesson 1 - 7 Purposes of ISKCON and Congregational Development Lesson 2 - Principles of Congregational Preaching Lesson 3 - Training Culture Lesson 4 - Caring Culture Day Two - The Bhakti-vrksa Program Lesson 5 - What Makes a Real Bhakti-vrksa Group? Lesson 6 - Starting the Bhakti-vrksa Program; the Structure Lesson 7 - The Broad Strategy (part 1) Lesson 8 - The Broad Strategy (part 2) Day Three - Facilitating the Weekly Meeting Lesson 9 - The Bhakti-vrksa Group Servant-leader Lesson 10 - The Six Parts of the Weekly Meeting Lesson 11 - Facilitating the Discussion (part 1) Lesson 12 - Facilitating the Discussion (part 2) Day Four - Interpersonal Skills Lesson 13 - Improving Relations Lesson 14 - Leadership and Delegation Lesson 15 - Listening Skills (part 1) Lesson 16 - Listening Skills (part 2) Day Five - Various Related Subjects Lesson 17 - The Sunday Feast and its Potential Lesson 18 - The Siksa Program; Financial Matters Lesson 19 - Car Park Lesson 20 - Course Completion

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My Main Expectations We are at the beginning of the course. Consider your objectives and expectations: why are you attending? What do you hope to get out of this course? What would you like to be able to do by the end of the course? By the end of the course I would like to be able to: 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 3. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

Principles of Congregational Preaching

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Seven Purposes of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness Srila Prabhupada enunciated these purposes of ISKCON when he incorporated the Society, in July 1966. 1. To systematically propagate spiritual knowledge to the society at large and to educate all people in the techniques of spiritual life in order to check the imbalance of values in life, and to achieve real unity and peace in the world. ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 2. To propagate consciousness of Krishna as it is revealed in the Bhagavad-gita and in the Srimad-Bhagavatam. ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 3. To bring the members of the Society together with one another and nearer to Krishna, the prime entity, and thus develop the idea within the members and humanity at large that each soul is part and parcel of the quality of Godhead (Krishna). ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 4. To teach and encourage the Sankirtana movement of congregational chanting of the holy names of God as revealed in the teachings of Lord Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu.

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………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 5. To erect for the members and for the society at large, a holy place of transcendental pastimes, dedicated to the Personality of Krishna. ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 6. To bring the members closer together for the purpose of teaching a simpler and more natural way of life. ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 7. With a view towards achieving the aforementioned purposes, to publish and distribute periodicals, magazines, books and other writings. ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

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Selected Quotations (Lord Caitanya said) “I am the only gardener. How many places can I go? How many fruits can I pick and distribute?” Here Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu indicates that the distribution of the Hare Krsna maha-mantra should be performed by combined forces. …All classes of devotees should combine to distribute the Hare Krsna maha-mantra without consideration of the time, place or situation. “Therefore I order every man within this universe to accept this Krsna consciousness movement and distribute it everywhere.” – Caitanya-caritamrta, Adi-lila, 9.34 & 36 yare dekha, tare kaha `krsna'-upadesa amara ajnaya guru hana tara' ei desa (Lord Caitanya told the brahmana Kurma) "Instruct everyone to follow the orders of Lord Sri Krsna as they are given in Bhagavadgita and Srtmad-Bhagavatam. In this way become a spiritual master and try to liberate everyone in this land." This is the sublime mission of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Many people come and inquire whether they have to give up family life to join the Society, but that is not our mission. One can remain comfortably in his residence. We simply request everyone to chant the maha-mantra: Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. If one is a little literate and can read Bhagavad-gita As It Is and Srimad- Bhagavatam, that is so much the better. …The Krsna consciousness movement is trying to elevate human society to the perfection of life by pursuing the method described by Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu in His advice to the brahmana Kurma. That is, one should stay at home, chant the Hare Krsna mantra and preach the instructions of Krsna as they are given in Bhagavad-gita and SrimadBhagavatam. –Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 7.128 At whosoever’s house Sri Caitanya accepted His alms by taking prasada, He would convert the dwellers to His sankirtana movement and advise them just as He advised the brahmana named Kurma. The cult of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu is explained here very nicely. One who surrenders to Him and is ready to follow Him with heart and soul does not need to change his location. Nor is it necessary for one to change status. One may remain a householder, a medical practitioner, an engineer or whatever. It doesn’t matter. One only has to follow the

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instruction of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, chant the Hare Krsna mahamantra and instruct relatives and friends in the teachings of Bhagavadgita and Srimad-Bhagavatam. –Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya-lila, 7.130 The temple center is started just to present example to the neighboring residents how they can make a small temple in each and every home. It is not necessary that hundreds and thousands of people will live in our temple, but if we can make effective propaganda, then the neighboring residents, householders, will be inclined to be initiated and follow the modes of temple life. -Srila Prabhupada’s letter, 1 June, 1969 ...My request to you is that you enter into the universities and colleges wherever possible and preach there with a view to recruiting some firstclass devotees for helping me manage and push on this movement all over the world. ...The secret will be to engage them as they like to be engaged, that is, supposing I have got some education, I am business student, or I have got some skill or talent, I am typist or musician or something like that, so I will like to utilize these things for Krishna only if I am encouraged in a certain way, very tactfully, and I must not be discouraged by too much forcing me at first to accept everything of shaving the head, rising very early, going for street sankirtana, like that. No, let me come gradually, let me study also Krishna Consciousness and see how it is practical and sublime. -Srila Prabhupada's letter, 13 December, 1972 We want every house to be a temple, not that our place should be the only place for the people to come. No, this should be the process: that they learn at our place, then establish the same thing at home." -Srila Prabhupada's letter, 14 April, 1972 Immediately, a person cannot be renounced, therefore gradually, step by step. So unless there is proper training... Now just like we are selling millions copies of these books, they are reading, and how many of them coming forward? So it requires training. Training is essential to make them Krsna conscious. -Srila Prabhupada, evening darsana, Bombay, 14 August , 1976

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Training Culture Survey Please answer the following questions according to your personal experience and understanding. Upon joining ISKCON (if you weren’t born in a family of devotees), how much did you feel your training and education was a priority for your direct authorities? Tick what applies: ❒ I felt that my training was a top priority for my direct authorities. ❒ My authorities cared about my training, but I feel they should have cared more. ❒ My training was somewhat neglected by my direct authorities. ❒ My authorities seriously neglected my training. ❒ Other (please specify) ……………………………………………… What are the two main consequences that could result from neglecting training of temple devotees? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. What are the two main consequences that could result from implementing a more systematic training of temple devotees? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. What are the two main consequences that could result from neglecting training of congregational devotees? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………….

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What are the main two consequences that could result from implementing a more systematic training of congregational devotees? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. What are the two main obstacles in establishing a culture of systematic training in ISKCON? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. What should be done to overcome the above two obstacles? 1. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. 2. ……………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………. What can we conclude from these considerations on training? What principle can we learn? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… “…Now we have got so many students and so many temples but I am fearful that if we expand too much in this way that we shall become weakened and gradually the whole thing will become lost. Just like milk. We may thin it more and more with water for cheating the customer, but in the end it will cease to be any longer milk. Better to boil the milk now very vigorously and make it thick and sweet, that is the best process. So let us concentrate on training our devotees very thoroughly in the knowledge of Krishna Consciousness from our books, from tapes, by discussing always, and in so many ways instruct them in the right propositions.” -Srila Prabhupada’s letter to Hamsaduta, 22nd June, 1972 “Now I want that we shall concentrate on making our devotees Krishna conscious and ourselves becoming Krishna conscious, and not be so much concerned with expanding ourselves widely but without any spiritual content. Just like boiling the milk, it becomes thicker and sweeter. Now do like that, boil the milk.” -Srila Prabhupada’s letter to Rupanuga, 9th May, 1977

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Characteristics of Caring

Ways of Showing Care

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What Did I Learn Today? We are at the end of the first day. Please reflect on the day’s experiences and write down your personal conclusions and feelings. What did I learn today? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… How what I learned today could influence the way I think about preaching Krishna consciousness? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… How what I learned today will influence the way I see congregational devotees? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… Of what I heard today, what I want to practically apply in my life? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

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Bhakti-vrksa Groups Trained group leader, having clear duties and responsibilities The leader is accompanied by a trainee-leader The group multiplies into two upon reaching 15 members All the members are encouraged to systematically engage in preaching

Non Bhakti-vrksa Groups No specific leader, or spontaneous leadership. No clear duties and responsibilities No trainee-leader

The group doesn’t multiply, but grows (when it grows) indefinitely The members don’t preach or it is not an organized effort: it is left to the individual’s inspiration In the weekly meeting the group has In the meetings there is a ‘lecture’: a ‘discussion’, and everyone someone talks and everyone else participates listens In the meetings there is one section In the meetings there is no such dedicated to preaching reports and section plans. The group is part of a structure, and Supervision is lacking or is sporadic. is visited and supervised by a There is no structure sector-servant The group regularly reports its No reporting system activities to higher authorities A personal guide is assigned for There is no such concept, everyone every new member is more or less on his own There is an ongoing effort to Often the group functions only if a generate more leaders temple devotee gets involved

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The Team Spirit of Flying Geese

Fact 1: As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird following. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock provides 71% better flying range than alone. Lesson: The power of the collective. People who share a common direction and a sense of community can get there quicker and easier, traveling on the thrust of each other. Fact 2: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it immediately feels the drag and quickly gets back into the draft of the nearest goose. Lesson: If we had as much sense as a goose, we would stay in formation with those who are heading where we want to go. Fact 3: Sometimes the leading goose gets tired and rotates back into formation for another to take over. Lesson: Share and delegate leadership. A leader should see as his/her duty to grow others into leaders, not be preoccupied that his/her position could be endangered. Fact 4: Geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. Lesson: We should make sure that our honking is encouraging, not discouraging. Fact 5: Whenever a goose gets sick, wounded or shot, two geese fall out of formation to go with this one, to protect it, help it, and stay with it until it can fly again, or until it dies. Lesson: Every team member needs support, care, and love, especially the weaker ones. When someone is in trouble we should concentrate our efforts to help him; we should not abandon or forget him.

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Different Gatherings, Different Experiences In Krsna conscious gatherings of different sizes, the individual devotee experiences different feelings, emotions and activities. Each type of gathering has its own flavor and allows distinct experiences. In this exercise we focus on small and big gatherings, what experiences are more likely or unlikely in each? Experiences (feelings, emotions, activities, etc.) that a devotee can have in a small group (5-15 devotees) like in a Bhakti-vrksa group meetings, etc: ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….……………………………… Experiences (feelings, emotions, activities, etc.) missing in small groups (5-15 devotees): ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….……………………………… Experiences (feelings, emotions, activities, etc.) that a devotee can have in large or very large gathering like Sunday Feasts, Summer Camps, Rathayatras, a Mayapur-Vrndavana Festivals, etc.: ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….……………………………… Experiences (feelings, emotions, activities, etc.) unlikely in large and very large gatherings: ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….……………………………… What conclusion can you draw from the above considerations? ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….

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………………………………………………………………………… …………………….………………………………

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4 Stages in the Life of a Group 1. Form - The Get Acquainted Stage Perhaps someone has said to you, “you aren’t a bit like I thought you were when we first met!” This is common reaction. First impressions are often based on past relationships with other people. It can take two or three sessions before group members overcome these false conclusions about each other. This is also sometimes called the “honeymoon” stage, because people enjoy their newly found comraderie. 2. Storm - The Conflict Stage When people get to know each other in the intimacy of a small group, they often don’t like every aspect of other’s personalities. Value systems will clash. One person may talk too much; another may be insensitive; someone else may be too sensitive. After four or five sessions together, these conflicts might surface in the discussions and other areas. A “sand-papering” effect will take place. People then begin to trust each other enough to air their differences and to work through them. If you have never been in a small group, you may find the first experience with the conflict stage a bit scary, but don’t be afraid! Gently guide the group, letting the participants share deeply. The members will resolve these differences. The result is dramatic! The group’s identity will be established and commitment to the group will occur. 3. Conform - The Community Stage The conflict stage is followed by a meaningful period in which the members find an identity and stability as a group. There is also risk at this point: because the group has found meaningful relationships, it may decide it wants to close itself off to remain undisturbed. If this is permitted, the group might become selfish, stop the missionary work of outreach, and become stagnant. 4. Perform - The Outreach Stage The Bhakti-vrksa group exists to practice and share Krishna consciousness. Some however will feel more enthusiastic to preach once the group goes beyond the third stage.

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Reflection on Day Two What is the most important thing I learned today? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… What steps I am willing to take to apply the principles covered today? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… What are the main obstacles I am likely to face in trying to implement such principles? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… Any other comments or realizations? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

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Sample Questions for the 3 Phases of Discussion Below are examples of questions that could be asked in the three different phases of the discussion. Some will apply to the verse under scrutiny, others will not. One should always try to find stimulating questions directly based on the subject at hand. ‘Discovery’ Questions “What were the most important points from what we just read?” “What were the main ideas or concepts?” ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ‘Understanding’ Questions “Which analogies Srila Prabhupada used?” “What analogies did Srila Prabhupada use to explain this concept?” “Why does the verse say ................?” “What does it really mean when ..............?” “Did anyone find any new insight?” ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….…………………………………………………… "Application" Questions “Which part of the purport touched you the most? Why?” “How can we practically apply these teachings in our life?” “What obstacles could we face in applying these teachings?” “Did you recognize any specific instruction that helps you in solving some of your personal problems?” “What new insight you found in this passage?” “How would you present this point to a non-devotee?” “Did anyone see these concepts in action? Would you like to share the experience?” “Anyone had an experience that confirms this point?” “What do you personally want to apply from this discussion?” “What do you personally want to take with you from this discussion?” ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….………………………………

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Facilitation Skills - ABCD • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • •

Atmosphere confidence enthusiasm being natural, being oneself openness and honesty capacity to disclose about oneself, when appropriate willingness to learn from the group willingness to admit one’s mistakes using appropriate room layout setting the appropriate mood for the subject impartiality, treating everyone fairly treating everyone respectfully insisting on respectful behavior knowing how to deal with conflicting views sensitivity, consideration of special needs Build-up listening skills ability to draw people into the discussion ability to ask questions in the right way ability to ask the right questions ability to promote introspection acknowledging and valuing contributions ability to involve the shy seeking explanation before correcting

• ability to wait for answers • remembering those who wanted to speak • • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • • • • •

Communication using specific language clarifying technical terms avoiding slang maintaining eye contact looking at everyone in the group avoiding focusing too much on a person monitoring non-verbal clues (body language) awareness of everyone’s disposition Discipline keeping the discussion on track establishing norms of behavior addressing inappropriate behavior being aware of the passing of time keeping to the time allotted being flexible with the time when appropriate avoiding unhealthy controversies avoiding offenses to Vaisnavas ensuring that key points are written down knowing how to use the option of hand-raising ability to wind-up the discussion give a summary at the end

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Two Styles of Delegation Authoritarianism

Empowerment

Focused on methods

Focused on results

Delegator is responsible for results

Delegatee is responsible for results

Discourages commitment on Involves mutual commitment the part of the delegatee of delegator and delegatee Undermines trust

Based on and building trust

Engages the body

Engages imagination, conscience and free will

Gives no future prospects

Prepares for future responsibility

Self-limiting

Allows growth

System collapses in absence of delegator

The system is sustainable in absence of delegator

Creates peons, ‘yes-men’, zombies

Perpetuates generations of leaders

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The Way of Indian Teaching “That is the way of Indian teaching, that there is one teacher, and how he's managing hundreds? That means there are groups. One who is elderly student, he's taking some beginners: "Write a or A like this." That he can teach. What he has learned, he can teach. Similarly, next group, next group. So in this way, one teacher can manage hundreds of students of different categories. This is organization. Not that everything I have to do. I cannot teach anybody to do it. That is not intelligence. Intelligence is that employ others to help you. That is intelligence. Not that "Oh, I was busy, I could not do it." Why? What about your assistant? Train assistant so that in your absence things can be done. So the elderly students, they could be... Just Caitanya Mahaprabhu used to do that. When He was sixteen years old he could argue with Kesava Kasmiri, because He was practiced. In this way, stage after stage, everyone should be expert. Everyone should be teacher and student.” Srila Prabhupada, conversation, Paris, 31 July, 1976

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Six Ways of Improving Relations 1. Understanding the Individual • Taking time to understand the person’s feelings and emotions, means a lot to many people. • It is the key to understanding someone else’s needs. 2. Attention to Details • Small good deeds might leave lasting positive feeling. • Small discourtesies and forms of disrespect, can greatly affect the relation. 3. Keeping Commitments • Maintaining a promise can be a major boost to the relation. • Breaking a promise can be a major injury to the relation. • We should be careful in making promises: we should consider unforeseen obstacles in fulfilling them. 4. Showing Integrity • It means aligning values and behavior: to practice what we preach. • Integrity is the quality of being upright in principle and action, especially in situations that test sincerity of purpose, responsibility, or trust. • Integrity creates a foundation of trust which is essential for cooperation and long term growth. 5. Apologizing Sincerely When Making a Mistake • A genuine apology could be a great boost to the relation, but repeated apologies can be perceived as insincere. • Those who possess a sense of security can apologize: they don’t worry that others might consider admitting a mistake to be a weakness. • Mistakes of judgment, which are usually of the mind, are easily forgiven; but mistakes of the heart, involving pride, rationalization and ill motives, are more difficult to forgive. 6. Clarifying Expectations • The root of many relationship difficulties is conflicting or ambiguous expectations, especially in regard to roles and goals. • We create negative situations by assuming that our expectations are self-evident. It requires courage, effort and time to clarify expectations at the beginning of a relation, but it will prevent misunderstandings and disappointments in the long run.

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Applying the Six Ways of Improving Relations For each of the six ways think of a real person you have a relation with (you can think of six different people). Write his or her name and describe how you could apply that way to improve the relation, in the near future. This is a commitment you are taking with yourself. 1. Understanding the individual - Name ……………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 2. Attention to details - Name ………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 3. Keeping commitments - Name …………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 4. Showing integrity - Name ………………………………………… …. ………………………………………………………………………… …………………….... ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………… 5. Apologizing sincerely when making a mistake - Name …………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… 6. Clarifying expectations - Name …………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ……………………. …………………………………………………………….. …………………………………………………………………

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Active Listening Adapted, with permission, from The Art of Teaching, by HG Bhurijana Prabhu Who Owns the Problem? The first step in trying to solve a problem is to identify who owns it, because you need to approach the situation differently if you own the problem or not. The owner is whoever is tangibly and concretely affected by the problem. If the problem belongs to the other person, it is appropriate to listen, trying to understand exactly what is going on. If you own the problem, the counselor's role is inappropriate and you must directly influence the situation. Typical Responses When someone brings up a problem, usually the tendency is to respond with one or more of the following: 1. Ordering, commanding, directing. 2. Threatening. 3. Preaching, moralizing (“you should”). 4. Advising, suggesting. 5. Teaching, lecturing, giving logical arguments. 6. Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming. 7. Name-calling, stereotyping, labeling, ridiculing. 8. Interpreting, psychoanalyzing, diagnosing. 9. Praising, agreeing, giving positive evaluation. 10. Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, supporting. 11. Probing, questioning, interrogating, cross-examining (third-degree). 12. Escaping, withdrawing, distracting, diverting attention, humoring, being sarcastic. The above responses are not conducive to the development of the relation with the person. Even though you may be quite correct in your preaching or probing, if the relationship with the other person does not exist, your words will neither enter deeply nor be effective. The above twelve types of responses can be categorized into 4 primary groups: 1. probing 2. advising 3. evaluating 4. interpreting. 1. By probing (questioning, interrogating, cross-examining) one often conveys suspicion, lack of trust, and doubt. Also, despite one’s good intention, probing can make it harder to find out the person's problem, as each question dictates an answer within the question's parameters, thus leaving little room for the person to talk about what is really on his or her mind. 2. By advising (giving suggestions, offering solutions, preaching, moralizing, lecturing logically) the person often feels misunderstood, especially when one

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doesn't first listen to him carefully. The person who owns the problem develops little confidence in his own ability to deal with problems, and becomes excessively dependent on others. 3. By evaluating (disagreeing, judging, criticizing) the person who owns the problem often feels inadequate, stupid and bad. He becomes defensive, countercriticizes, and hides his real feelings. 4. By interpreting (analyzing, diagnosing) one lets the person know he has him figured out: he knows the person's motives. If he's right, the person may feel ill at ease, self-conscious, or exposed. If he's wrong, the person often becomes angry or resentful. Unfortunately, over 90% of responses fall into these four categories. How can then a devotee deal with another person's problems and at the same time deepen his relationship? The suggestion is to begin by listening. To deepen all relationships listening is effective. And one need not immediately evaluate what he hears—what to speak of agreeing with it. He can do it when and if the time and relationship is suitable. Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu exhibited this as a prelude to His teaching Sarvabhauma Bhattacharya: the Lord listened for seven days before commenting. One should listen out of concern, but also out of necessity: without listening, one will find it difficult to know the other person's mind, and without knowing the person’s mind, one will not be able to accurately diagnose the person's needs and offer appropriate advice or instruction. And even if one knows the other person's mind, he should still inquire and listen—both to facilitate the exchange of affection and to confirm his intuition. What follows are four preliminary stages to active listening: S.O.L.E. (conducive body language), monitoring nonverbal messages, non-judgmental acknowledgments, and invitations to deeper communication. S.O.L.E. One exhibits his interest and attention (or lack of interest and attention) by the posture of the body. The acronym S.O.L.E. can remind us of four basic poses we can adopt to let the other person know that we are listening to what he or she is saying. S: Face the other person Squarely. This is he basic posture of involvement. If you face someone squarely, you say by your posture, "I'm interested in speaking with you". Even if seated in a group, you can turn in some way toward the person to whom you are speaking. Directing one's body toward a person indicates, "I'm listening to you now". O: Adapt an Open posture. Crossed arms and legs can be a sign of defensiveness. An open posture–especially uncrossed arms—is a sign that one is open to the other’s words. An open posture is perceived as non-defensive.

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L: Lean toward the person. This is another sign of interest and attentiveness. Watch two people who are absorbed in conversation. Very often they are both leaning forward as a natural sign of their involvement. Then find two people who are talking, but who are leaning back and looking around. They are probably bored and not very interested in their conversation. E: Maintain Eye contact. As you speak with another person, spend some time looking directly at him. This lets him know that you are giving him your full, undivided attention. Without doing this periodically, the person often doesn't know if you are listening or not. Maintaining eye contact, however, does not mean staring into his eyes. This is unnatural ad will make others uncomfortable. Monitoring Nonverbal Messages Another aspect of listening is 'hearing' what the person's body is saying. Just as a person uses his voice to speak what is on his mind, so he uses his body to provide many nonverbal messages. As Srila Prabhupada said: "The face is the index of the mind". Nonjudgmental Acknowledgments A small step indicating more involvement than passive listening is using various verbal, nonjudgmental acknowledgments. These inform the speaker that you are indeed awake and listening. Here are some typical nonjudgmental responses: "Really!" You don't say." "No fooling!" "You did, huh." "Is that so?"

"I see." "Oh." "Mmmm" "How about that?" "Interesting."

Invitations to Deeper Communication To indicate to the speaker that you are not only awake and listening, but that you are also interested, you can add, at appropriate times, statements that request the speaker to deepen his communication. When stated sincerely these statements encourage communication. Here are some examples of invitations to deeper communication. "I'd like to hear more about it." "Would you like to talk about it?" "This seems really important to you." "I'd be interested in your point of view." "Let's hear what you have to say."

"Tell me about it." "Go ahead, I'm listening." "Tell me the whole story." "Tell me more." "Let's discuss it."

Active Listening

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Active listening is based on the principle that diagnosis must precede prescription and on the fact that understanding comes through listening. Two required attitudes are: “I assume I don’t fully understand, and I need to listen” and, “If I listen first to understand, then I will be better understood.” Detachment is also essential: knowing that thing are beyond our control; active listening is “helping them helping themselves”. Active listening starts the process of solving the problem, leaving the owner of the problem as the problem-solver. The key to active listening is listening carefully to identify the emotion. The first step in active listening is to 'decode' the emotion. Most often, instead of actually telling us what is on his mind, the person will 'encode' his or her feelings. In Krishna consciousness we ‘encode’ even more as we know that certain emotions are maya. Another aspect is that, in opening up to someone, people generally test the ground, check how trustworthy and understanding we are, just like someone testing how cold is the water by inserting only a toe. Therefore often what they first present is not the actual problem (also because often they are not themselves aware of the real problem). It is like an iceberg: presenting problem actual problem

One should not stop and trying to help the person solve only the presenting problem. One must listen with full attention. One must hear the content and the intent, and respond within seconds (as in any normal conversation), naming the person emotion. One may not label the emotion correctly every time, but it is the concerned attempt that is important. The person will correct you if your 'naming the emotion' is wrong. You will also become more accurate with practice. Here are some different emotions that can be recognized by active listening: Positive happiness elation excitement enthusiasm being loved trust responsibility relief

Negative anger inadequacy cynicism doubt frustration bewilderment confusion neglect

jealousy fear rejection alienation sadness misery defiance hurt

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hope confidence satisfaction pleasure

hopelessness unprotected disappointment sense of being cheated sense of unfairness

The second step is to 'name' the cause of the person's emotion. In other words, what is the tangible cause of his frustration, sadness, confidence, or other emotion? In stating the emotion and the cause of it, one can start with one of the following helpful phrases: It sounds like you ... What I understand you're saying is ... You seem .... As I get it, you felt that ... I’m not sure I’m with you, but ... I’m picking up that you ... As I hear it, you ... So, as you see it ... You place a high value on ... What I guess I’m hearing is ... These phrases are especially useful when first learning to actively listen. Thus, responding based on active listening has three parts: 1. Begin with a reply such as "You seem ...." 2. Name the person’s emotion. 3. Name the cause of the emotion. For example, we might hear the following words from a teenager. "I don't think I can be a devotee. I'm just making too many mistakes. Every time I try to do something, I seem to either know it over or smash it up,. I just feel stupid and want to kick myself. And everybody seems to just criticizes me. Sometimes I think no one really thinks I can do anything". A response based on active listening is something like this: "It seems to really discourage you when you think you are making a lot of mistakes. Especially when you think the other devotees think you're useless." This response tells him that you are trying to understand his emotion, i.e. that he feels discouraged. It also communicates to him that you comprehend the reasons for his emotions—making mistakes and other devotees thinking him useless. Let's see what this response is not: 1. It's not an evaluation. 2. It's not a judgment. 3. It's not an interpretation. 4. It is not a challenge. 5. It is not advice. 6. It is not just a word-for-word repetition. 7. It is not taking ownership of their problem. 8. It is not a question.

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Responding with understanding attempts to communicate the listener's understanding of what the speaker is going through. When someone reveals a problem, it is not necessary to immediately solve the problem. Understanding alone often provides help. Indeed, in a great many cases the person comes up with his own solution. Active listening is also useful in responding to the happiness and triumphs that devotees meet in their lives. Although active listening is a powerful technique, know for certain that his technique (or any technique) can only be useful if it is used in addition to, and not as a substitute for, compassion in Krishna consciousness. It is like an iceberg in which the techniques, the skills are only the tip, whereas the heart’s feeling, the sincerity of wanting to help is the main thing.

techniques

concern

One fundamental requirement for active listening is the capacity to suspend the judging-propensity. Resist the temptation to immediately offer words of advice or throw out pat preachy lines. The general rule is to not advice unless you are quite sure the listener wishes to accept your words: “advice only when hired” is a saying used by professional counselors in this connection. Instructing one who is disturbed is usually not effective because the troubled person's turbulent mind will not allow him to hear. It is often better to wait until the person's emotions subside. This often happens quickly and naturally when he feels understood. Active listening is a powerful preaching tool: it warms the relation, it lets you know what “they are at”, it lets you enter their life by them opening up to you (while keeping, in a sense, above). People really appreciate when you want to hear what they have to say: many people go on all their life without experiencing it. Another analogy is “shot-gun” and “laser” preaching: when you know what is going on in someone’s mind your advice becomes more focused, more pointed, you know what to shoot for. Active listening is also useful in book distribution, it can defuse a tense situation in few seconds. Practical tips in conversation These listening skills have to be practiced until they become natural. While actively listening, don't expect to start every sentence with "It seems ..." or to name the emotion and the cause of the emotion in every response you make. That will neither

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be practical nor will it sound normal. Sometimes saying, "That's frustrating" will be sufficient. Note that often when you patiently listen with understanding, the underlying problem surfaces after some time. Know When to Stop Sometimes there simply isn't much to say on a topic. The person will often indicate this. He may start responding coldly to your statements. He may say something like, "I guess it's time for prasadam". Part of good listening is quitting at the right time. Not every conversation will unearth amazing new insights or solve all problems. Know for certain, however, that each time you properly listen with understanding you add one more brick in building your relationship with the person. Know also that most often it will be you who will have to end the conversation. It's a rare opportunity for most people to be really heard and understood. Poor Substitutes for Proper Active Listening Active listening looks simple on paper, but it is not. Here are some pitfalls to avoid when attempting to do active listening. Parroting Parroting is mechanically restating what the other person has said. When done excessively, parroting sounds unnatural. This is usually done hen renaming the cause of the emotion. You can avoid this by paraphrasing the person’s words. Gurukula Student: Prabhu, do we have to do all the exercises on page 110? Teacher: It sounds like you are in anxiety because you have to do all the exercises on page 110. (wrong) Teacher: It sounds like you re in anxiety because it's too much work. (right) Pretending to understand It is sometimes difficult to understand another person, even if you have carefully listened to what he said. It is better to admit your inability to understand and to work on getting back on track: "I got distracted and lost you. Could you repeat what you just said?" A useful technique is to ask the person you're talking to whether your understanding is accurate or not. "It sounds like ... I could be wrong, but that's what I understand". "It seems to me that you'd like a little time to think about what I just said. Am I correct?” Ignoring what a person says Some people while 'listening', ignore what's being said, or they change the subject. Long-winded responses One of the arts of responding effectively is to make relatively short responses. A 'lean' response is usually much more effective than a 'fat', long-winded one. It

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usually takes more words to say noting than to say something. Make your responses short, lean, concrete, and accurate. As Srila Krsnadasa Kaviraja Goswami wrote, "ssential truth spoken concisely is true eloquence". Being manipulative We manipulate by subtly directing the person to our viewpoint without first hearing him out. Gurukula student: Wow! I got it today. Sent to Maharaja's office twice in one day. Asrama teacher: (coldly) It seems like you're upset that you got in trouble today. Gurukula student: Of course I'm upset. Asrama teacher: (still coldly) You're disappointed. Gurukula student: That's an understatement. My parents won't take me to Puri during the vacation if they find out I've been mean to the academic teacher. Asrama teacher: You feel there is nothing you can do to patch up your relationship with your academic teacher. (starts manipulating). Gurukula student: You mean offer my obeisances and beg forgiveness from him? Asrama teacher: That's exactly what I mean. It's not too late, is it? (pushing his solution). Gurukula student: I'd rather not go to Puri. (silence). Another example of manipulation: Dasa: Anudasa: Dasa: Anudasa:

I'm really having trouble with my studies. It seems that you're disturbed because some insignificant problem is temporarily stopping you from studying properly. I can't understand why Srila Prabhupada put so much stress on the four regulative principles and chanting sixteen rounds. You sound confused why Srila Prabhupada didn't water-down the process as you would have done.

Opening and then shutting the door We start doing active listening but lose our patience. It is like saying, "Come on, tell me how you feel. I'll understand," and then reacting in a way that betrays trust. This often happens if the listener starts evaluating, judging, or preaching. Dasa: Anudasa: Dasa:

You look unhappy. (listening with understanding) I was late again with the offering to Krishna-Balarama. You sound depressed because you think you are making offenses to the Deities. (listening with understanding). Anudasa: Yeah, it's really frustrating. I quit. I'm going to find a service that doesn't implicate me in so many offenses. Dasa: Now that wouldn't be the right thing to do. (evaluating). Anudasa: I don't care. I feel like going to another temple. Dasa: Prabhu, going to another temple is bogus. Would Prabhupada like you to act so whimsically? (moralizing, preaching). Why don't you chant some extra

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rounds, get a good night's sleep, and see how you feel in the morning? (advising, offering solution). Anudasa: Thanks a lot. (silence). A Word of Caution Literature on counseling and listening skills often discuss the need for empathy. The dictionary defines empathy as, "identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, etc., of another". Clearly empathy is required, especially if the person we are listening to requests our counsel. We should, however, be cautious about what we hear and to what extent we want to "experience the feelings, thoughts, etc. of another". We should be very careful that “their” problem doesn’t become “ours”. Everything we hear and experience creates samskaras, or impressions, in our consciousness. Some samskaras leave deep impressions, so much so that we continue thinking of them long after the actual experience. Graphic details about a gruesome scene may haunt our mind for days, weeks, or even years. The devotee wishing to remain strong in Krishna consciousness, should therefore exercise caution when listening to others. He should be true to his own needs as a devotee. He can set limits, and simply say something like, "I don't feel comfortable going any further into this topic". Hearing blasphemy of devotees and hearing prolonged descriptions of activities performed in material consciousness can be especially harmful. Srila Prabhupada writes in the purport to Srimad Bhagavatam 2.1.12: “Quoting from the Markandeya Purana, Sri Gosvamiji [Srila Jiva Gosvami] says that one should not indulge in hearing others who are engaged in belittling a devotee of the Lord.” In Caitanya-caritamrita, Antya-lila 6.236, Lord Caitanya tells Raghunatha dasa Goswami: gramya-katha na sunite, gramya-varta na kahibe “Do not talk like people in general or hear what they say.” The caring devotee who has developed the ability to do active listening will hear about the maya of others, including their struggles with material nature. In order to avoid unfavorable samskaras while hearing, a listener can internally pray to guru and Krishna to protect him and give him the ability to help the person progress towards Krishna's lotus feet.

Six Steps to Resolve Conflicts Conflict resolution is an art which sometimes requires special negotiating skills, especially if the conflicts are complex. The following six steps, if carefully applied, can help in solving conflicts that arise in running a Bhakti-vrksa group or in normal situations among devotees.

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1. Define the problem, in terms of needs, not solutions. This requires active listening. 2 Brainstorm possible solutions, being non judgmental and spontaneous (this step requires the creative mood). 3. Evaluate the different solutions looking for a mutually acceptable situation (this step requires the analytical mood). 4. Choose the best solution. 5. Discuss implementation— who, where, when and how. Agree on the terms of implementation. 6. Re-evaluate at a future date (to check if the solution was really acceptable for both). Resolving Conflicts as “ABCDEF”: Analyze needs Brainstorm solutions Consider solutions Decide one solution Execute the solution Future re-evaluation

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From Today Onwards… What are the most important things I learned in this course? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… What practical steps will I take to apply what I learned? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… What possible obstacles will I face in trying to implement what I learned? How am I going to overcome these obstacles? ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

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Course Evaluation (to be handed to the facilitator) Date ……….. Place ……………………… Your name ………………………… Diksa-guru’s name ……………………….. Mailing address …………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… Service/Occupation ……….………… E-mail address/Contact …………………. Are you a member of the “Nama Hatta Forum”, the email conference on congregational development?  Yes  No. If not, would you like join the conference?  Yes  No. Please be frank in answering the following questions. Your feedback can help improve the course. If you need more space for your comments, please use the back of this page. From 0 to 10, to what extent your expectations where fulfilled? Circle one number (0 not at all, 10 completely fulfilled) 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 What part of the course did you find most useful and which part least useful? ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… Please offer some suggestion on how to improve the course: ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… Kindly share any realization you had during the course: ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………… Thank you very much for attending the course. Thank you for your evaluation and comments, at the Congregational Development Ministry we appreciate your input. Hare Krishna

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