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A Special Report Exclusively For Listeners Of DYD Interviews With Dating Gurus
Scot McKay
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Notice Of Copyright, Waiver Of Liability Author’s Note: My apologies in advance for the necessity of including the following information. With that out of the way, please realize that there is groundbreaking information in this text, thereby necessitating unusually stringent copyright protection. –Scot McKay The content of this report in its entirety is copyrighted in full. All rights and privileges with regard to its use are reserved by the author and by X & Y Communications. Any unauthorized use or unauthorized duplication of the material herein, either directly or conceptually, is expressly forbidden. This includes, but is not limited to, redistribution to third parties and / or any incidence of furnishing password authentication information to those who have not received this book directly from X & Y Communications. Any infringement upon this copyright will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. The Internet is regularly combed for illegal use of this material. All information contained in this book is strictly intended for entertainment use only, and does not constitute legal, medical, psychiatric or any other form or “professional advice”. The author disclaims any notion to the contrary. In purchasing this book, the reader agrees to hold the author and X & Y Communications harmless and free of any liability whatsoever in the event of any claim of damages, physical, mental or otherwise, resulting directly or indirectly from the material contained in this entire text. You are responsible for your own actions. OK, now on to the good stuff…
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Contents Introduction
5
Chapter 1: Run Away 101
7
Chapter 2: How Men And Women Try To Trick Each Other
11
Chapter 3: Why Pick-Up Artists Can’t Seduce ALL The Women 15 Chapter 4: Am I “Being Shallow”, Or Am I Just Not “Settling”? 18 Chapter 5: I’m Not Ken And She’s Not Barbie—Thank God
20
Chapter 6: The Age Gap
22
Chapter 7: Infidels And The Cheaters Who Love Them
25
Chapter 8: Sexually Focused Men And The Objects Of Their Non-Affection
26
Chapter 9: How Do You Know When It’s Time To Get Married?
30
Epilogue
34
Special Offers For Readers
35
About The Author
36
About X & Y Communications
37
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Introduction If you are reading this report, you have likely discovered us through listening to my recent interview with David DeAngelo. In that interview I promised a report that was focused on helping you gain a richer understanding of what exactly a quality woman looks like and what it takes to attract her and keep her interested. This document will cover all of that for you in a way that will both inform you and challenge you. Many of the thoughts and ideas that are in store ahead may be brand new to you, which is something I take great pride in. From the very inception of X & Y Communications, I vowed not to be a “cookie cutter” of any other type of dating advice out there. In all sincerity, although I have been influenced by some strong thinkers on the subject of dating and attraction (David D. certainly among the most prominent), my unique place in the world of dating strategy became clear after a very short while. Simply put, there are lots of guys out there who can teach you effective tips and tricks for getting a phone number and going on dates. Likewise, there are plenty of psychiatrists out there who can psychoanalyze at the subjective level. And also, certainly, there are plenty of spiritual leaders who can help you along the journey of being a great man in the general sense. My job, however, is to take you from having some, limited success with women to enjoying absolute world-class excellence. There really are a lot of dating experts who focus on “relationship problems”. Most of these are women, or guys whose primary audience is women. The guys in the field seem to congregate around the concept of helping guys with very little “game” get numbers and dates. I can understand all of this because in all reality that’s where the market is. We as men typically only move from top-dead-center (incidentally, you’ll notice I have a penchant for gear head references) towards getting help when things are at a crisis pitch. The discomfort of trying to acquire information or skills we don’t yet have is usually more painful than the discomfort of being clueless (or so we believe at the time). And further, once we have things under some semblance of control, 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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we’re cool with it. Reference the guy who doesn’t stop for directions when he’s lost until he finds himself in another state or something, the guy who buys a guitar and lets it gather dust after learning three chords, or—yes—the guy who figures out how to get a phone number and go on a date every once in a while and stops the process there. The very fact that you are reading this demonstrates that you are man who requires more of himself than that. Moving beyond grasp of the basics when it comes to attracting women, you are about having total control over your dating life. This means YOU want to be the “chooser” instead of the “chaser”, and YOU wish to be the one who decides when second dates happen instead of surrendering all of that power to the women you meet. Ultimately, YOU wish to make a conscious decision as to who to select for a lifetime of long-term partnership, and (perhaps most critical) YOU want to be the one who decides when you want that to happen. It all makes ridiculously perfect sense, doesn’t it? Getting digits and dates is only the first step. And as we all know, you’ll never become a true artist until you move beyond painting by numbers. Having this higher level of purpose, your dating life will amaze everyone you know…including yourself. You will never, ever have to “settle” for someone you didn’t really want because you will have done all the necessary homework in order to avoid that kind of miserable life. You will habitually have the sharpest woman at your side wherever you go— and everyone will know it—because you deserve what you want. In positioning yourself as such, you will have risen above the vast majority of other men on this planet. Enjoy. Since this report serves as a bonus deliverable to another book or program you have received from me, you’ve probably already figured out that I specialize in not only original information, but in hitting the ground running with it. No exception here, so it’s time to begin… _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 1: Run Away 101 OK, I understand that some of us can be lazy at times. But how do guys like you and I become so lethargic as not to RUN AWAY from certain people we end up on dates with? There’s no better place to start this discussion than with straight talk on how to figure out what we DON’T WANT if we are going after only the highest echelon of women. Granted, the “warning signs” of when to hit “eject” are not so easy to recognize—especially when we are clouded by attraction. That said, it’s important to realize that getting out of a potentially bad situation tends to be more emotionally and possibly physically difficult as time progresses Here are the unequivocal signs of a bad, bad deal. No gray areas here. Nothing subjective. When you encounter any of the following traits…leave. 1) Addictions If you are dealing with someone who has a substance abuse problem, run away. If not, their problem will soon be YOUR problem. No, I’m not saying you will succumb to “peer pressure” to join in. I’m saying that people with addictions learn quickly to become MASTER manipulators. Should you choose to enter into a relationship with such a person, you will be a part of their problem. And this isn’t about drugs and alcohol exclusively. Gambling addictions are among the hardest to kick, and this isn’t the exclusive domain of men. If you are involved with a gambling addict, expect a life where any and all financial gain that is worked so hard for is literally squandered with absolutely nothing to show for it. Open the window, and throw buckets of $$$ to the wind. Worse…open your wallet and hand your paycheck to shady people who are preying off of your significant other, and therefore preying on YOU also. Ironically enough, SHOPPING addictions are so much like this that it’s frightening, and more likely to affect a woman than a gambling problem per se. Take them seriously. You do not want a woman with chronic credit card debt problems. 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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Sex addictions are equally devastating, if not more so. Your money and your partner’s attention are diverted towards others in direct competition to you. Run away from all of this. You know you don’t want it, and NOBODY deserves to be subject to it. This is ‘deserving what you want’ at the most baseline level. By the way, welcome to the realm of “no excuses” for women. We as men hear all the time about how we don’t deserve a good woman if we have character flaws. Women shouldn’t be allowed to deserve us either if afflicted similarly. Retraining your mind to reject the “double standard” here cannot be underestimated. You have the ability to CHOOSE when you DESERVE to. Keep all of this in mind as you read on… 1) Evil “Oh, s/he’s not a bad person, just misguided, etc.” Stop making excuses for people. I’ve noticed that good people generally do not want to “label” others as “bad”. It’s as if it’s a “bad thing” to consider someone else bad. Get over it. There are bad people out there. Again, do not be manipulated into a relationship with someone who has bad intentions. Watch closely how such a person treats animals, parents, wait staff, and / or anyone or anything else that s/he has nothing to gain from personally. 2) Man Haters If she has been “hurt” in the past by men that’s unfortunate. If this has caused her to view all men as “bad” then run away. You will not “change” such a woman any more than she will “change” something she doesn’t like about you. Avoid the arrogant temptation to be her “knight in shining armor”. The problem is bigger than you and was there before you showed up. Warning signs include blaming you for esoteric or inane things, assigning greater depth to simple mistakes you make than was intended, extreme defensiveness (often in reaction to what you “must be thinking” instead of anything you actually said or did) and—of course—a rich “double standard” of her being free to behave differently towards you at a much lower-end level than she expects in return. 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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Be wise to this, and don’t allow yourself to be confused by how sweet she acts towards her own mom or perhaps her children. You aren’t the problem, despite what this woman would hope you’ll believe. Run away. 2) Sexual Ambiguity If your date has any leanings towards a sexual orientation that does not match yours, RUN AWAY. This is not something where people in disagreement compromise. If you have any doubts, throw them on the proverbial table immediately. For example, you do not want to be involved with someone bisexual if you are interested in a monogamous relationship between two people. Similarly, you do not want to be a part of someone’s plan to prolong “coming out” by showing the world that s/he dates MOTOS (i.e. Members Of The Opposite Sex). I’ve heard of a breathtaking number of cases where couples were broken up by changes in and / or realizations of differences in sexual orientation. Whatever lifestyle you choose to live, it is imperative that you find someone who is like-minded. And keep in mind that sentiment must be genuine on the part of the other person. It’s fair to say here that if you have an interest in a sexual lifestyle that classifies as an alternative to the established “norm” of one man and one woman, it is YOU who must be extra careful of those who are desperate enough to feign approval simply because they are DESPERATE. Dig deeper. Deserve what you want. 4) Emotional Instability Have you ever known someone who you couldn’t ever really be sure of when it comes to his or her demeanor? You know…you had no idea which “version” of this person was going to “show up” at any given time. Yeah, well…RUN AWAY from women who fit this description. Someone who is emotionally unstable is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. Be very vigilant here. Ask hard questions. Thanks to miraculous new advances in medications within the last few years, there are people among us with severe mental illnesses who act “fine” and lead perfectly “normal” lives…as long as they are TAKING their meds. Should there be a lapse in taking such medication, it is not uncommon for it to be a real bear to get him or her back on track. This spells out a VERY difficult life for you—and 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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one that will take twists and turns that are utterly arbitrary and will leave you powerless to affect. Is that what you want? Is that what you deserve? 5) Extreme Selfishness If it is apparent upon getting to know someone that you will be doing all of the giving and they will be doing all of the taking, run away. This realization can take place in ten minutes or it can take much longer to sort through. Either way, get out. Watch out for manipulators of this ilk. People like this can be utterly fascinating to watch operate. Masters at “self-promotion”, the manipulatively selfish know exactly how to get others to willingly do what they want—preferably making them feel good about it all the while (somehow). Such people tend to know how to appear “generous” at first, when in reality all is part of a carefully crafted plot to get what they want, typically at deeper levels than is apparent at first. Extremely selfish people give “generously” on their own terms only. What is given to you is what they choose to give you and what they think you need. Your wants and needs are not considered…and never will be. Did I wake anyone up? I sure hope so. Do not underestimate what I am talking about here. Despite my blatant and opinionated disregard for sugarcoating the truth, I am boldly telling you how to avoid a miserable life. I do this because my concern in this particular context is for you, the reader, not for those you DO NOT DESERVE. When you find yourself dealing with anyone bearing the unmistakable earmarks of “highly-avoidable people”, RUN AWAY. DO IT IMMEDIATELY. Whatever you do, do not fall into the temptation to “change him or her” because you “care”. You will not. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 2: Other
How Men And Women Try To Trick Each
What is the most infamous male stereotype when it comes to dating? Certainly the one about men trying every trick in the book to get a woman to sleep with him has to head the list. No need to elaborate. There are plenty of web sites that I can refer all y’all to (regardless of gender) if you want to see how that works. There are plenty of “black hat” pick-up artists specializing in helping men tune up their trickery. The truth is, however, that men don’t necessarily have the market cornered when it comes to keeping their intentions under the table. Women are quite capable of their fair share. My belief is that the most common brand of dating trickery proffered by women tends to fly under the radar a bit easier, however, and therefore is hardly ever (if at all) called out. Since women are a bit more subtle about all of this, I’m going to focus on understanding their side of the equation. After all, male trickery is altogether too obvious…which continues to cause me sheer amazement at how often women fall for it. So what about the women? What do I mean? Here it is. Just like men try to trick women into sleeping with them way too early in the relationship, women tend to try to trick men into exclusive commitment way to early. It’s absolutely true. And a woman has the ability to equip herself with a formidable set of tools when it comes to this stuff. Just like a woman can find herself in a man’s bed and wonder how she got there, a man can very easily find himself in an exclusive relationship he may not have been ready for, and with a woman who may not even have been his first choice! How does she do this? involved:
Here are some examples of the tactics
1) The Ultimatum This is the most objective approach. If a woman knows the man is irrevocably interested (i.e. “hooked”, because you gave away all your power), she will simply level an ultimatum. This may happen 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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as soon as the woman realizes the man wants her sexually. In this case, the woman pulls every option off the table other than committing to her or walking away. This is unfair, of course, because it plays on a man’s physical attraction in order to drive emotional involvement. 2) Extended Planning She’ll buy tickets for a concert that’s a month away. She’ll invite him to join her for some killer party that’s a few weeks (or months?) off. If she can get him to make some financial “buy in” (e.g. ticket price, renting a tux, etc.) then he’ll be more likely to stay around. In fact, the concept of commitment based on financial involvement is a wellknown marketing principle. Here, as in so many facets of dating, sales tactics translate directly into relationship strategy. 3) Common Secondary Commitments This is something like “Extended Planning”, but with a subtle difference. Here we are talking about ongoing partnerships rather than one-time events. She may sign you both up for six weeks of salsa lessons. She may join a dinner party group with other couples knowing that it would be a major embarrassment to have to sever ties in the event of a breakup. If she’s really astute, she’ll buy you season tickets for your favorite team. How thoughtful of her. Nice. 4) Marking Territory As soon as a man invites a woman into his private domain, he opens himself up to the female ritual of “territory marking”. If she’s hanging out at his house and riding in his car, bear in mind the possibility that she may be interested in staking her claim to those places vis-à-vis other women in his life. Most of us know about the “perfume on the pillow” trick, where a woman sprays her perfume on a guy’s pillow so he can “think of her” when he’s sleeping. But that’s just one of a myriad of ways that a woman can make it improbable, if not impossible, that another woman would feel comfortable in his home or car. She can leave a change of clothes on his dresser, just in case. She can change shoes in his car and “accidentally” leave them behind the passenger’s seat in the back. She can smear makeup in places he may not notice but another woman would be sure to. She can brush her hair in the bathroom, all but making sure strands of her 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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hair land in places where other women might notice it. And my all time favorite—she might “forget” and leave her earrings on the end table in the living room (or some other place you’ll never see until the next time guests are over). Whatever happens, you can be sure if it’s done right most guys will be potentially horrified to invite other women over (although they shouldn’t be, which is the topic of other writings of mine elsewhere). 5) Key Introductions He is introduced to all of her friends. He may even meet her parents, feeling like he’s suffered whiplash given how sudden it was. She may even, if she’s mastered the tactic, proactively seek to make friends with his friends. The latter is a particularly powerful approach that, if successful, means she has all but inextricably woven herself into his life. And if he ever tries to break up with her, imagine the effect of his own friends calling him to tell him how wrong he is. Out of hand. 6) Gifts She may buy you something nice. Depending upon the limits of her personal resources, we may be talking about something really nice. Guys famously tend to use this tactic on women, thinking that they can buy their way into a woman’s heart. Well, when a guy does something like this it generally backfires. Some women are creeped out by it, some women refuse nice gifts seeing potential ulterior motives behind them, and others simply take the gifts and offer only a “thank you” in return. The interesting part, however, is that a woman who knows how men think with regard to this process can capitalize upon it to drive commitment from a man. Think about it—a man attempts to barrage a woman with gifts because he thinks it will help earn her affections. Why does he think like this? Simple. Because it would work on him. If a woman realizes this, she knows she has an angle with which she can get him to commit. The problem is that although gift-giving works on a man, it’s not for the expected reason. Rather than driving a warm-fuzzy nesting reflex, it just flat-out makes him feel guilty if he dumps her after getting such cool stuff from her.
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So what’s the common thread here? Not surprisingly, the end result is likely to be the same for tricksters of both the male and female persuasion. In either case, if the end goal is reached it’s nothing more than an empty, Pyrrhic victory. The moral to this story? Save the tricks, and watch out for hers. Be upfront, take things at a mutually acceptable pace…and have a symmetrical relationship based on depth rather than guilt or pressure. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 3: Why Pick-Up Artists Can’t Seduce ALL The Women I’ve been writing for quite some time now, and the research I’ve done on what attracts men and women to each other has been going on a lot longer than that. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned to truly be entertained by, it’s some of these guys who proclaim themselves to be “great pick up artists”. Many have learned how to make a living at this, and can purportedly teach any man how to be “good with women”. And some of them have the track record to back it up. I’ve seen several who claim to have slept with tens of thousands of women. You and I both know there’s a market for that kind of “expertise”, and LOTS of guys are willing to pay to tap into that kind of magical “way with women”. And I believe they deserve exactly what they want. I cannot argue that. What’s more, I don’t doubt these guys. I’m sure they are telling the truth. But I am also absolutely positive that there’s much more to success with women than “seduction”. Why? Two reasons, mainly. First, I’m no genius, but I’ve figured out something over the years that seems to apply here. If I singularly focus on ONE THING to the point of saturation, it soon loses its value to me. It’s just not all that fun anymore. I just don’t want to make a full time lifestyle out of keeping up with the expectation of having sex with two different women every day. I think that would, well, lose its shine after a couple of years (?) or so. To me, something that becomes a full time job just isn’t any fun anymore after a while. Besides, how much “sexual variety” does it take before the “novelty” wears off? If that last statement raised your eyebrows, it could be because you haven’t slept with two new women a day yet. Ultimately, something with more depth than simple sexual variety for its own sake is going to become necessary. And that goes double if I go and make a JOB out of it, teaching other guys how to have nonstop sex. Then it’s just flat-out WORK after a short while. And yes--I think this applies even to sex. If I slept with a different woman—no, make that two—every day for thirty years straight, 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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I’d be around the 20,000 number that one guy I’ve read about claims to “achieved” (or is that “scored”?). And I’d be ready for a “vacation”. Second, I…um…might at some point become interested in BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GREAT WOMAN. This, at least where I come from, typically involves spending more than half a day (max) with her. It also probably involves SEEING HER AGAIN SOME TIME. Now, I fully understand that several of these “world class pickup artists” have actually relocated to South America, Eastern Europe or other places where the women are apparently more “sexually open” than they are here in the good ol’ U-S-of-A. Well, again. That’s fine for them. But on top of the other reasons I’ve given for not joining them, add to the list that I LIKE IT HERE. And I like the women here. And wherever YOU are, you may in fact not want to pick up and move either. And there lies the kicker. Clearly, even if a “pickup artist” achieves “greatness” in seducing women, there is always going to be a certain echelon of women that he is NEVER, EVER going to be able to have. And despite all the sexual “success” he claims, that has to be an empty feeling. I know so…because that’s what happens anytime the focus is on getting more and more of something. Greed is never sufficiently fed, is it? And “quantity” nearly always comes at the expense of “quality”. I hear one of you guys out there still saying, “Oh come on, McKay. Who would ever get sick of sex with two different women a day?” Well, you would. Why? Because no matter how great something is, if it’s ALL YOU’RE DOING it’s going to get BORING. So who are these women who even the “world class” pick-up expert can’t “bed”? Simple. They’re the ones with enough self-respect, confidence and intelligence not to fall for being swindled into lowering their standards. Take a look at the Dictionary.com definition of “seduce”: se·duce P Pronunciation Key (s -d s , -dy s ) tr.v. se·duced, se·duc·ing, se·duc·es
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1. To lead away from duty, accepted principles, or proper conduct. See Synonyms at lure. 2. To induce to engage in sex. The woman who will not be “tricked” into a half-day fling with a man who wants nothing more than sex is unattainable to the “pick-up” artist. Ironically, it would appear that the more women a pick-up artist has sex with, the lower the bar gets set in terms of the pool from which he can draw from. Women who at least want to take a shot at a committed relationship just aren’t going to buy that. Ever. Neither are the women who are confident enough not to invest false hope in what are arrantly empty, deceitful promises designed uniquely to get her in bed. The most confident women who are relationship-minded are therefore out of bounds to the pick-up artist. Such women deserve what they want. And they don’t want what the seducer is proffering. And to be sure, the man who deserves what he wants in terms of attracting a confident, feminine woman who will be a loyal mate is in a very interesting position. No, he’s not bedding countless women. He knows what all is at stake. And ironically, if he ever chose to, he could get not only the sharpest women we talked about in the previous paragraph—he could get any woman who would settle for a pick-up artist also. Life is good when one deserves what one wants. One tends to get it. Whatever “it” is.
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Chapter 4: “Settling”?
Am I “Being Shallow”, Or Am I Just Not
So now we know what we don’t want, and we have the first concept down in terms of making sure our own mindset is clear when it comes to recognizing and deserving one of the good ones. So now, let’s turn our attention to getting rid of some bad information many of us have been programmed with. Have you ever been told you were being “too shallow” when you expressed to someone what you were looking for in a partner? I know I have. If we say we want our future mate to look a certain way, we get the “shallow” routine from people we talk to. Numerous women I’ve talked to have reported that they draw similar disdain when they say they want an “intelligent” man. Yeah, so why don’t men hear that when they express such a desire for the woman they hope to meet? Here’s a strong hint: It’s that double standard at play again. Furthermore, we all know what a woman’s going to hear if she says she hopes for a mate who is financially successful. My educated guess is it’s probably something similar to what a guy hears when he talks about what kind of body his future mate should have. So is there anything to this accusation of “being shallow” as single people in particular so often hear? Should we all “lighten up” on potential dates? After all…what we are hoping and dreaming of is a bit unreasonable, isn’t it? My answer is unequivocally NOT. If refusing to settle for any less than the mate I am going to be thrilled to be with is “shallow”, than I’m a “kiddie pool” among men. You’d better believe it. After all, I plan to spend the rest of my life with this woman, so why should I “settle” for half-hearted unfulfillment of broken dreams? My personal pet peeve is when someone tells me, “You shouldn’t be so ‘picky’. After all—you aren’t perfect.” Well…um…exactly. And who is perfect, for that matter? I happen to believe that people who are “perfect”, whoever they are, must have a really hard time 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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finding someone to date. After all, who is good enough for someone who is perfect? Kind of an ironic twist, isn’t it? My opinion is that we tend to be attracted to people who look a lot like us, have the same values as we do, and share other similar things—like a sense of humor, for example. Emily disagrees. She thinks people tend to go for someone who is a lot different than they are. You know, the old “we complete each other” bit. Well, here it is: it really doesn’t matter which one of us has it figured out. Neither situation involves someone going after a “perfect” person, does it? Whether I want to find someone who is a lot like me or who “completes” me she’s not a Barbie doll (which I will elaborate upon in the next chapter). When we’re considering who it is that we want to spend the rest of our life with out of the six billion souls on Planet Earth, I hereby declare that each and every one of us has every right to consider very diligently exactly who that person should be and which traits he or she should have. In fact, I highly recommend you do so. And once you do that, make sure you are the kind of mate who is going to make that person equally thrilled to spend a lifetime with you. Deserve what you want. Now, more on the subject of what kind of women it is, exactly, who you WOULDN’T be “settling” for. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 5: I’m Not Ken And She’s Not Barbie…Thank God.
Please tell me that you know better than to believe what the media tells you about what the opposite gender is attracted to. I mean, you don’t believe all that drivel you are fed on a constant basis…do you? Oh, I know. It’s easy for both men and women to get brainwashed by the exhortations to lose the weight, gain the bust size, re-grow the hair, get rid of the hair, etc., etc., etc. Somewhere along the line, some of us even started believing that women should have six-pack abs and tight biceps (as if men are attracted to masculine features). Taller, blonder, leaner, lighter, darker, curvier, straighter, bigger, faster, more, more, more. Last summer Emily and I were in California, and decided to hang out in Beverly Hills for a while. Well, 90210 lives up to its hype in every way. So much money, and so much frustration wrapped up in one (expensive) package. We saw one woman who literally had undergone so much plastic surgery that she was a shadow of who she was supposed to be. And her insecurity was written all over her face. Here was a woman who had every resource in the world available to her, made use of them all, and was still categorically miserable. The sad irony of all of this is that the vast majority of us don’t even find the media’s representation of “beauty” attractive…at least not when it comes to selecting a woman. In fact, despite the steady message of perceived inadequacy we are all fed, I’ve happened upon an amazing realization: A surprising number of us (and maybe even you) tend to be particularly attracted to someone who is the opposite-gender version of who we are. And here’s a news flash: I’m not a Ken doll. And guess what? I don’t find “Barbie” sexually attractive in the least. Let me tell you what I mean. Forget those “Miss America” types. Give me a petite little brunette with the “cuteness” working. Forget the long flowing “goldilocks” and give me that spunky, wispy short hair. Drop the plans for a “boob job” and keep it proportional. And for heaven’s sake, EAT something. I want someone I can hug. OK…pierce the belly button and I have to admit that rounds out a perfect female package. 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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That and the manicure / pedicure combo. Bright pink, please. Oh yeah. Maybe how your “perfect woman” looks is completely in line with mine. I hear you, my brother. On the other hand, maybe you are rolling your eyes at my preferences. Good for you, just as long as you’ve FIGURED OUT YOUR OWN. Do not let some plastic media vision dictate who you are “attracted” to. From there, it’s up to me to DESERVE WHAT I WANT. I will be the best man I know how to be, and will take care of myself in a manner that demonstrates self-respect. And indeed what I want isn’t necessarily what the media is telling me I should want. But what an amazing feeling of freedom to be able to have the courage to find a mate who meets my own exacting specifications, rather than someone else’s. So guess what? The woman I described above had posters of Sean Astin on her wall when she was younger instead of Matt Dillon. Now she hosts podcasts with me. Go figure. Ok, so we know what a primo woman looks like and what her standards are. There’s so much more beyond that. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 6: The Age Gap—If You Are Older And Wiser, You’re Also Past Babysitting Younguns As you well know, there’s a stereotype about older, probably divorced men dating younger women. Sometimes much younger. The worn-out story tells about a guy in his late 30’s or older looking to “trade in” his wife on a “younger model”. Think of a 23 or 24-year-old “hottie” and you are on the right track, but don’t rule out anyone (or anything) female who is “legal” (read: “18 or older”). Basically, such a guy is in search of an “arm ornament”. What an insult….to us. One time when I still had an online profile posted, I received an email from a spunky, redheaded, and very cute eighteen-year-old girl (yeah, I said “girl”, not “woman”). After a lengthy rant in email form about how “all the guys her own age were boring” and such, she announced she wanted to “settle down and have about ten kids or so”. Considering she had spent what must have been a half-hour composing this message to me, I felt somewhat obligated to at least respond (a belief which I by no means impose upon those of you reading this, incidentally). Although tempted to reply with one of my typical single-liners (in this case, “You lost me at ‘hello’”), I went the more pragmatic route. I explained that I was flattered, and I was sure she was a wonderful, albeit verbose person. But at 39 years of age I doubted I had ten more kids tucked away in my future. One of you guys out there reading this is currently throwing something at your computer monitor and exclaiming, “WHAT? Are you NUTS?” I assure you that I am perfectly sane. Oh yeah. You see, I have a hypothesis that you may find particularly interesting in its irony. I firmly believe that most, if not all older men who obsess about dating girls younger than legal drinking age have something in common: they CAN’T do so. That’s right—any older man who actually CAN get a date with a very young woman will quickly tire of it. It’s the old philosophy at work here called “getting kills wanting”. Sure, young women are cuties and all. But to tell you the truth, if I am going to be babysitting anyone, I’d rather get paid for it than shelling out the bucks myself for a date. Know what I mean? 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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Oh sure, I’ve dated my share of younger women over the past few years. As a guy in my late thirties I did my darnedest to justify it, even giving several women of the advanced age of 25 or 26 an honest shot thinking they were “exceptionally mature”. In the end, they weren’t. As you might imagine, the thought of dating younger women eventually gave way to more rational thought. Finally, after more “lab testing” than I care to mention, I happened upon a more innovative frame of mind that has yet to fail me. So, what is the “silver bullet”? Like many things I talk about around here, it’s disarmingly simple: I have realized that the greatest find in the world is a woman closer to my age who seems exceptionally young for her age. Think about it. How can you miss with this approach? If I am with a 35 year old woman who still gets carded routinely because she seems 23, I’ve beaten the “system” (whatever that means). In such a person, I find all of the vibrant, youthful, enthusiastic beauty of a younger woman wrapped in the mature persona of a REAL woman who can relate with me to the mid-80s. What more could a guy want? Perhaps you are reading this and recognizing that it’s an exceptionally rare woman who can pull off looking twelve years younger than she is. Granted. The running joke in my case is that I dated all four of them. The truth, though, is that such women are out there and they are often single. Since we see them around and (lamely) don’t bother to introduce ourselves, though, we may automatically be assuming they are younger than they are. Again, however, you must DESERVE THEM. Even so, I was careful to say “seems 23” instead of “looks 23”. Everyone, man or woman, has control over how he or she chooses to act. Whoever you are, if you want to deserve a “seemingly younger” person to hang out with you MUST keep an adventurous, fun attitude of enjoyment toward what life has to offer. In doing so you will absolutely, positively be sending all the right messages. Now if you take care of yourself physically and stay away from the “free radicals” (e.g. smoking) that a life of hardcore partying hands down, so much the better. But that said, the vast majority of what we are discussing here comes down to attitude even more so than physical appearance.
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So make no mistake…a woman CAN give a man her own age exactly what he is looking for. It’s just tragic that most women DON’T do so, causing so many older guys to look to younger woman for the excitement they crave. And guys, the same holds true for us. Sure, grow UP. Be mature, have things handled and don’t act like an immature little boy. But never, ever lose that sparkle in your eye. Keep the youthful excitement about life and a healthy sense of adventure and you’ll literally mesmerize women. How cool is all of this, right? Great. Now go deserve what you want. So there’s another secret to getting an amazing woman. Now let’s get to the core of the character issue. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 7: Building A Relationship Upon Cheating Have you ever happened across the Jerry Springer Show (I know this group can't actually be Tivoing it or anything…too high class a crowd) and noticed how people who are cheaters can’t seem to venture too far from home? I mean, the “other partner” always seems to be drawn from a very shallow pool of best friends, sisters, brothers, father-inlaws, etc. ALL THE TIME. If you are going to cheat, at least get far enough from the nest that you at might have a fighter’s chance at not getting caught. Right? And good grief, does anyone ever think about how awkward the family time at Thanksgiving is going to be when all of the dust clears? Whatever. For the record, no. Cheaters don't think about any of this stuff. There is no thought process here. Just the adrenaline rush. Cheaters are practically by definition non-thinkers. Things like process and consequences are not generally managed all that well in these situations. So then, it’s not surprising that cheaters tend to get found out…and lose. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not discounting the concept of someone wanting out of a dismal relationship so badly that they may actually WANT to get caught cheating, just so the burden of ending the relationship is on the other person. I'm sure that enters into it often, actually. Heavy stuff. Or should I say, PATHETIC stuff. Obviously I ruminate upon this sort of thing a good bit. I should, after all it’s my job to. But still, the concept of cheating on a partner in a committed relationship always causes me to rehearse the line, “what goes around comes around” just one more time. Why? Well, it’s simple. We as human beings have a pattern. Whether we like it or not, we are PREDICTABLE. At the very fiber of our being, what makes up our moral core is going to dominate.
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Yeah, and if you choose to cheat, you are going to live the life of a cheater. Somebody reading this just said, “Duh.” I couldn’t agree more. “Duh.” So what is up with all the cheating? There are clear consequences to living that lifestyle, and they basically involve getting what you deserve…infidelity. Essentially, if you build a relationship upon the premise of cheating, how can you possibly expect anything in the future but...more cheating? It has been said that after the first time cheating happens, it is forever easier thereafter to repeat the offense. I think there is decidedly some truth to that concept. Once conscience is breached, the proverbial Pandora's Box is opened. Suppose for a brief second that you are feeling bored / sick / unattracted / flaky toward you committed partner. You have an affair with someone who "floats your boat" more buoyantly. Yeah, well, both you and your new, apparently exciting friend are CHEATERS. And should you choose to leave your committed partner for your new friend, you will both still be CHEATERS. The takeaway here is that both YOU and your PARTNER will have built whatever you build together upon CHEATING. Did you get that? And guess what? You’ll do it again. Like it or not, cheaters indeed keep cheating. Yours will be a relationship built upon dishonesty and lack of integrity. How do you expect such a union to last? Rest assured it won’t. Meanwhile, your spurned ex will be out DESERVING WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS. A faithful partner is a good catch. Will you be left wallowing in the error of your ways? Not if you DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT today…and stay true a habit of NOT cheating. If you are dating someone now and there are issues, work them out. If you need to get out more together, do so. And if you need to break up an exclusive relationship, do so before heading on to "greener pastures". The proper thing to do is break off one committed relationship before starting another. This is the only way around the cheating issue. And yes...if you are "separated"...consider thoroughly the importance of waiting until the divorce is final before dating other people. You are still married until that happens, and dating under these circumstances generally raises subtle doubts in the mind of those you go out with. 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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But whatever you do, don’t sleep with your sister-in-law just to make a point, okay? It’s not going to lead to happiness. Next, let’s take the gloves off and have a man-to-man talk about how to get a woman who’ll make you forget about cheating anyway. _________________________________________________________
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Chapter 8: Sexually Focused Men And The Objects Of Their Non-Affection Being in the business I’m in, and being a man, I’m often asked by guys how to get women to have sex with them. Ironically enough, my answer typically involves some iteration of, “Well, genius, stop trying so hard to get them to have sex with you.” But as many of us have already encountered time and again in life, one of the most oft-repeated blunders in the business world is “If something isn’t working, do twice as much of it.” Such a ham fisted redoubling of efforts tends to turn up from time to time in the dating world also, doesn’t it? Particularly, it seems, when guys aren’t getting women to agree to all of the sex they want as often as they hoped. Yeah, well. “Hope” is a wish not a strategy. Sure, male or female, we are all sexual creatures. But there is SO MUCH more depth to us all. Perhaps ironically, that’s exactly the key to being more sexually fulfilled. And therein lies today’s point. Make sure you are ready for this one, too…it’s something you’ve never heard before (which I major in, remember). Here it is: Men who prioritize raw sexual fulfillment over actually building a relationship with a woman are almost universally the LEAST sexually fulfilled people I know of. Is this attributable to the old theory that “the more you chase something the more elusive it becomes”? Maybe in part, but there’s much more to it. Okay, then. Is it because most women are wise to such motives and don’t give in? Unfortunately, that’s not it either. There seems to be equal numbers of women these days who are okay with casual sex (even without moving to South America, incidentally). Well, what IS IT already?
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The answer lies in the very telling likelihood that the guy who views women as walking life support systems for their vaginas is the VERY SAME ONE who constantly kvetches about how all [women] are “dead lays” with absolutely zero sexual skill, drive or creativity. Bad sex = Low fulfillment I submit that maybe the problem isn’t the women. Come on now, you can’t really believe that all women are passive, asexual and/or even frigid, can you? Well, maybe if that helps you sleep at night. But really, why should a GREAT woman’s full sexual potential be squandered on a guy who, when it comes down to it, is USING her? Make no mistake. It won’t be. Show me a guy who has a healthy respect for women, and furthermore actually ENJOYS women…and I’ll show you a guy who’s partner is so fired up in the bedroom (and the kitchen, and the closet, and the shower…) that the smoke detectors need to be disconnected. Most women know all too well that one man’s “dead lay” is another man’s “Siren/Vixen” (“S/V”). And “I/J”s don’t experience “S/V”s so much. To top this discussion off properly, it’s my firm belief that the highest echelon of women on Earth that we are talking about are also the greatest in bed. Go and try to figure THAT out. And when you do, deserve what you want.
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Chapter 9: How Do You Know When It’s Time To Get Married?
Note: The following is an adapted reprint from the very last chapter of my newest book How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life. If you are a man whose ability to deserve a great woman is firing on all cylinders, you are the guy I’m writing to in that book—what is in there represents the pinnacle of where my thought process ultimately leads. If you are still getting there, no worries. Wild success with women is just around the corner for you as it was for me.
You’ve done everything it takes to get your own game together, and you’ve been a man or woman who deserves what you want for sometime now. In fact, you’ve found a partner as terrific as you are, so the question will inevitably surface: Is it time to “pop the question” around here? I believe a lot of us really have not spent enough time ruminating upon what it really takes to consider a decision to make marriage plans. And make no mistake, my friends, this is the kind of thought that should go on long before you are ever in the position to actually act upon what you think and / or feel. Indeed, getting engaged should never be a “knee-jerk” decision. In fact, nothing involving “jerks” of any kind should ever be a consideration when it comes to marriage. So whether you are in a serious relationship right now or not, let’s consider the top ten signs to look for when considering marriage: 1) You’ve figured out that this entire chapter isn’t horrifying anymore Okay look. If you are meeting and attracting the WRONG women then I fully GET that marriage sounds like “surrendering your manhood on a platter” or “the end of the good times” or “settling down” or whatever else makes you cringe. Especially if you aren’t yet in a position to be deserving great women. 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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When you do meet a woman who meets every single one of your field-tested criteria (and your PICKIEST ones, remember) and she is rabidly addicted to you in return you’ll change your mind. I have a case of whatever you’re drinking riding on it. When I met Emily I had been dating a LOT for a LONG time. I was already considering which of three women in my life I had narrowed down to was the best to keep long term—all of whom were women I could easily have been happy with. When Emily came along, though, I recognized her as the ultimate option because I had a finely tuned sense of what I wanted. I deserved her in return so she responded with immensely positive energy. The rest was a no-brainer. Literally. My desire was to have one great woman in my life, and my OWN CHOICE was to head in that direction AND to do so with the woman I CHOSE. Hey, make sure she really wants to be married too. You just can’t assume that from women. 2) You are attracted to each other You absolutely, positively must be sexually attracted to the object of your affection. This is NOT being shallow, as we’ve discussed previously. Don’t you appreciate how I freely endorse making this a priority? Thought so. Feel better now? Great. 3) You actually like each other Laugh if you will, but I’ve seen first-hand how couples justify long-term relationships despite getting on each other’s nerves big time. I personally don’t get it, and if you deserve what you want I surely hope you don’t want that. To me this is the ultimate representation of a relationship driven purely by sexual attraction. You can and should do much better. Go for the complete package. 4) You’ve spent enough time together to really know each other Let’s not talk in terms of calendar time here. If a couple is in a long-distance-relationship (LDR) for two years and see each other once a month for two days, they may see each other about 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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as much as a couple who lives two blocks apart and has been joined at the hip since they met a month ago. When you know that you’ve seen the person at his or her most relaxed (and at his or her worst, for that matter), then and only then are you in a position to speculate regarding what the future really holds. 5) You are on the same page spiritually Don’t underestimate the importance of this. If you believe that God should be at the center of your relationship, it can only be that way if your would-be partner agrees. If this hasn’t been talked about yet, make it a priority to do so. Even if you are both agnostic, or atheist for that matter, it’s still a good idea to discuss your world views and make sure you are in agreement on what your core beliefs are. 6) Your long-term goals are similar If your futures are taking you in different directions, either someone is going to have to compromise, or your futures don’t have each other in them. Period. 7) You know how to play together Sure, she goes shoe shopping while you watch the game. But do you know how to enjoy leisure time together? We’re not just talking about sex here. I always thought it would be amazing to find a woman who would want to go BMX racing with me. As it turns out, that wasn’t so farfetched. Couples who play together stay together. 8) The basics in your lives are handled Are you mentally and physically healthy? Is your self-esteem in good shape? If you carry heavy concerns that consume you, it’s not time to invite someone else into your world permanently. After all, that would only give your heavy concerns someone else to consume. And that’s not part of a balanced relationship. 9) You have no doubt in your mind that your partner is committed to you as you are to him/her
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Ah yes…the “trust” factor. Kill all jealousy in order to ready yourself for a committed relationship. And make darn skippy sure that’s okay to do. If there are signs your future husband or wife would cheat on you, then forgettaboutit. Really. 10) You have no doubt in your mind that you are committed to your partner as he/she is to you Turnabout is fair play here. Are you completely sure you are trustworthy? Do you harbor fantasies about cheating on your future spouse? If you are focusing too much on someone else— especially if that “someone else” is potentially available to you, then my suggestion is to get that resolved before feigning “commitment” to someone who would be truly committed to you. Whether you feel you are ready for marriage or not is okay. One should never feel pressured either way. The framework for a solid marriage with a great long-term prognosis can only be established when both partners truly want to be there…and believe wholeheartedly in both the future and in each other. After all, isn’t that what love is for? Otherwise, feel free to keep dating…but do it on your own terms and in complete control of your world. _________________________________________________________
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Epilogue
What you have just read, excepting the final chapter of course, is essentially a sneak preview into the upcoming book Never, Ever Settle…which I haven’t even announced yet. For an even deeper discussion on great women and what it takes to deserve them my recommendation is to start by reading my first book Deserve What You Want. Among other relevant topics I disclose in the book are the desirable traits of a woman who we should want to commit to, and what traits in YOU a woman will (and should) want to commit to in return. The monthly audio program Power Sessions For Men is also almost solely devoted to making the existence of great women in YOUR life a reality. Be sure to check that out. It’s a must-listen for any man who is serious about ending up with one of the greatest women on Earth…and there’s no other program out there that is so laser-focused on absolute excellence. Ultimately, once you have become a man who deserves one of the greatest women on Earth, you’ll be precisely where the book How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life will prove most meaningful. It is my sincerest hope that having read this report in combination with Deserve What You Want, Cook For Your Date, How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life, Power Sessions For Men and/or Secrets To Success With Women For Shorter Men will result in life-changing transformation for you…all for the better. If so, I would love to hear your success stories. Please send them. Along with success stories do you have questions? Ideas? Comments? Send to
[email protected]. All of your feedback is welcome. If you like what you read, please feel free to tell others. That’s how we build our audience. Read on for a list of the special offers I have for you to that effect. Be good, Scot McKay
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Special Offers For Readers
FREE Copy Of How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life With Coaching Sessions If you would like to take what you’ve learned in this report a step further, direct one-on-one personal coaching sessions are available to you. Get the personalized training towards becoming one of the few who DESERVES what he W ANTS, decides what that means in his life, and knows how to go about getting it. W rite to me at
[email protected] including a brief synopsis of where you are in your dating life currently and where you would like to be in the near future. Be sure to include your phone number or your Skype name. I will respond personally to each inquiry. Every guy I work with gets a copy of How To Manage Your W ildly Successful Dating Life at no additional charge.
Become An Affiliate For X & Y Communications Are you a webmaster? If so sign up for our affiliate program today at www.deservewhatyouwant.com/affiliates. W e offer an outstanding program with a particularly broad potential reach well outside the boundaries you might expect. Additionally, I work very closely with affiliates to custom-craft their marketing plans to specific needs.
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About The Author
Scot McKay graduated from Messiah College in Grantham, PA in 1988 with a Bachelor of Arts in Education. From there, he performed graduate work in psychology and human dynamics while working as a life coach to "at risk" kids in Yuma, AZ. After a difficult divorce years later, Scot heard from virtually everyone that "it wasn't his fault" and that "there was nothing he could have done" to have been a better husband. Not accepting the victim's mindset, he adopted an attitude of continuous research into exactly what it is that attracts men and women to one another, and--more importantly--what keeps them together for years. In other words, what exactly is a "healthy" relationship, and what makes it happen? This research has been ongoing for over four years to date, and has literally been a life-changer for him. The findings have been so profound and meaningful that Scot has gone back to his roots after a successful management career in IT...and X & Y Communications is born. Scot lives in San Antonio, TX with his wife Emily, with whom he hosts the X & Y On The Fly (http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly) and Online Dating Profile Rating (http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly) podcast series. ________________________________________________________ 2007 X & Y Communications. All Rights Reserved E-Mail Scot McKay:
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About X & Y Communications X & Y Communications was founded by Scot McKay in 2005. Our organization exists entirely to help you become the best you can be when it comes to dating and relationships--without having to learn and / or do things the "hard way". It doesn't matter if you are young or old, as yet unmarried, married, divorced or widowed. X & Y Communications can help you maximize your success in preparing for and eventually realizing the ultimate in relationships with a significant other. True to what you’ve seen demonstrated in this book, we publish free newsletters containing straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing character-based principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on. The stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around here.
Check out the book Deserve What You Want at: www.deservewhatyouwant.com/book The second book Cook For Your Date is at: www.romanticdinner.com How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life: www.wildsuccess.net Secrets To Success With Women For Shorter Men: www.nottooshort.com Power Sessions For Men: www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men The VIRTOUSITY Advanced Series: www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity Podcast series are FREE and available at: http://www.x-netmedia.com
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