Art of Seducing Out of Fullness

christine akiteng

5 THE ART OF

SEDUCING OUT OF FULLNESS a practical guide to activating the natural seducer in you

Copyright © 2007 Christine Akiteng

THE ART OF SEDUCING OUT OF FULLNESS: A Practical Guide to Activating the Natural Seducer in You

All rights reserved. Do not forward or make multiple copies of this e-book. This e-book is available for purchase from www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com as well as other websites. For a list of authorised points of sale please visit the e-book website. If you purchased your copy from a non-authorised point of sale, contact the website you purchased the e-book from and request a refund.

The Art of Seducing Out of Fullness™—eBook http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com

Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com

Any real queen preserves her mother’s history and her grandmother’s history. She studies it, knows it by heart, and with her own person, adds to it. That’s what makes a woman a woman no matter what race you are. – Kola Boof

CONTENTS Preface

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Introduction

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1. The Seduction Game The very thing we seek—friendship, love, companionship, and a lasting relationship—can be undermined by the means we employ to obtain it . . .

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2. It Takes Two to Tango 14 Some people are just not fit for reciprocal seduction. This “guide” will give you important clues on what to expect from certain kinds of people . . . 3. The Real Heart of the Matter 25 Find out why your “timing” is wrong most of the time—you either come on too strong, too hard, too fast, or too slow . . . 4. Sensuousness Is Half Seduction Done 35 If you’re sensuous enough, everything you say or do will have its own quality, intensity, flavour, rhythm, fragrance . . . 5. The Dance of Emotional Attraction 43 The one who gets to keep the man or woman is the one who offers more than visual appeal. Get the real scope on becoming emotionally attractive . . . 6. The “Sexth” Sense—You Can’t Fake It 52 Charisma, as it turns out, isn’t everything. You must also be sexually charged with the “swish and swagger” of Eros . . . 7. Reprogramming Your Sexual Code 63 You could be generating too much or too little sexual energy and it is affecting how you come across to the opposite sex. Learn what you can do about it . . .

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contents 8. Sexing the Body 72 Teach your body to exude an inner as well as outer physical presence that has character, vitality, mystery, and sex appeal . . . 9. Creating That “Warm and Fuzzy” Feeling 88 How attractive we are is linked to how “warm” the other person finds us to be. Those who succeed are those who are able to “heat things up” to a “cozy” level . . . 10. More than What Meets the Eye 97 Do more than catch his or her eye, catch the whole person by learning how to speak or converse with the eyes as you do with speech! 11. Change How You Say It, Change the Chemistry 111 Talking is an important part of the art of seduction, not so much for the words that are said, but for the intimacy that conversation brings. Learn the five fascinating ways of sparking it off . . . 12. Turning Up the Heat 120 People love those who can artfully string them along while keeping them entertained, amused, fascinated, and anticipating. Here is how you work this magic . . . 13. The Rhythmic Aura of a Dancer/Musician 129 Call it the Elvis Presley phenomenon—you too can leave an imprint that makes a man or woman want to become you, and be together with you, forever . . . 14. Keeping in Touch 140 Should you initiate touch? How do you know when to touch, where to touch, how to touch, and how often to touch? 15. The Alchemy of the Sensuous Gourmet 154 If what you’re after is ravishing your date’s palate and imagination, hide the cutlery! Appendix: Seduction and Ritual Courtship (African Style)

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References

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About the Author

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PREFACE

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here are scores of books and thousands of internet articles on the art of seduction. Some are informative, a few are practical, but most are at best ineffective and at worst counter-productive. This book is different. The principles and insights in this book are unlike any traditional dating advice that you get from the mainstream media or dating websites. I am more interested in helping you create powerful attraction—created by both together. It doesn’t matter if you just met five minutes ago, or if you’ve been married for thirty years, the information in this book will help you playfully draw out the other person into creating an exclusive emotional bond that is, by usual norms, extremely rare. By getting you more involved in the process, you will gain a greater appreciation of your own perceptions—why you act the way you do, and why things happen as they do. With increased knowledge of your own behaviour and that of others, you will prepare yourself for and give yourself the permission to really celebrate with yourself and with others the power and beauty of what you have inside. I encourage you to break out of your “box” and seek to be extraordinary. Let your creativity transform you into “the Natural” you’ve always wanted to be. Take the moment—a piece of forever—and really live it!

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INTRODUCTION

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he phrase “a natural” is popping up everywhere these days—in hit movies, seduction books, dating websites and even prime-time television shows. There is so much talk about “naturally” attracting a man or woman that dating, flirting and seduction gurus say virtually every man and woman these days is asking for advice on how to become “a natural” flirt, seducer or lover. But what is it about “the natural” that’s so appealing? And more importantly, why are so many men and women these days interested in naturally free-flowing ways of attracting the opposite sex? Generally, when people talk about or even think about the art of seduction, it is a specific series of actions, routines, or techniques that one learns and “does” to entice another person into doing what he or she would normally not want to do. It’s a game that uses charm and manipulation to create self-doubt inside another person. Once the other person feels uncertain about him or herself, they are susceptible to any kind of exploitation. This disenchanted interpretation of the art of seduction does not create attraction. If anything, it makes the opposite sex more suspicious of your intentions and more resistant to your advances. Given the fact that exploitative seduction has impregnated our society, should we throw up our hands and give up? Certainly not! This upbeat and on-target book will show you a different side to the art of seduction— one that is a friendly and pleasurable precursor to a lifetime of love, trust, compatibility, passionate intimacy and happiness with another person. Until now, the real secrets of this ancient art have been buried in obscure journals full of academic jargon and footnotes. In fact, so powerful is this knowledge that the ancients were convinced it was the secret of youth, health, and vitality. In traditional African cultures where the art of seduction (commonly known as the “delicate art of arranging to be caught”) is still part of the rites of passage to adulthood, it is believed to this day, that men and women with a natural sexual intensity have an effect on the op-

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introduction posite sex that ordinary males and females can only dream about. Any man or woman who wants to be in a relationship with these males or females has to brush up on how to be a good lover or spouse in order to keep them interested. Now you too can learn how to make yourself interesting, intriguing, and irresistible. Part of your appeal is your own individual energy—what the French call esprit. This is your most powerful seduction tool. In this book I will show you how to empower yourself to live out your essence— reclaiming what is real about you and re-creating your own identity, one that meets your needs and protects your personal boundaries. Preparation is important to you. It significantly affects your chances of succeeding or failing in the use of this powerful medium. In fact, the first half of the book is focused on how to prepare you for the art of seduction—and for a meaningful relationship. You will get it “right” because of your ability to hold and express your own in a consistent, creative, interesting, challenging and mesmerising manner. Some of the advantage-gaining qualities you will naturally cultivate using the principles in this book include: 1. Self-assured confidence: This is what this whole book is all about— developing inner confidence and communicating that fullness of being in ways that draw others to you. You will learn how to be fundamentally at ease in your own skin. 2. Lavish sensuousness: Sensuousness is a prerequisite for any kind of seduction that includes pleasure and this book shows you how you can enhance your natural sensuousness in ways that you’d never thought possible. You’ll be more exciting and interesting to the opposite sex because the expression of your sensuousness will be free and natural. 3. Sophisticated mysteriousness: Several chapters in the book make reference to just how important it is to be subtle in a playful way. The important thing is to be able to project an “edge” that is graceful yet edgy, rugged but still polished, friendly yet reserved. It’s this “captivating dis-

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introduction sonance” that keeps the “want to know” minds of the men or women you are seducing engaged. 4. The look of mischief that has laughter and delight in the eyes: A whole chapter of the book is devoted to helping you use the eyes as a window to the untamed wildness of soul. This is a very interesting way of calling out to the primal in the opposite sex. 5. Relaxed vulnerability: If you want to transform yourself from someone who is too afraid, ashamed, or uncomfortable with the opposite sex, to someone who is bold and tries new things, this book will show you how you too can realize carefree fearlessness. You will feel comfortable to put yourself out there partly because you feel secure enough to just be yourself. This is not some magical solution for doing away with feared outcomes, rather it is about getting into the game knowing that some of those things which you most fear can happen to you but that’s okay because you can handle it. 6. Wit and humour: The entire book is about learning how to be generous with your time and your presence. By being able to see the “fascinating” in the most simple of things and the most ordinary of places, you will develop the kind of attitude that gets people excited just thinking of talking to you or getting to see you again. 7. Human warmth—sincerity, genuineness, simplicity, openness, empathy, and approachability: You will learn how to express strong and authentic emotions, and affection. This will make you a much more interesting person who brings joy, fun, and inspiration to those around you, which will in turn make them want to be around you. 8. Exuberant vitality: Whether you call it living with passion, intensity of soul, drive, or bounce, it is all about responding to the basic impulse for a life that is fulfilling, satisfying, and purposeful. You will learn how to positively overflow with a genuine appetite for life—and for living. The other part of your appeal is your ability to offer something more . . . greater . . . unknown. The second half of the book shows you how to send a strong signal that can create more interest and more attraction. You will © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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introduction learn how to create experiences that titillate the senses, prolong anticipation, heighten awareness, and engage a wellspring of primal emotions. The other person’s inspiration to participate in the experience will come from the pleasure he or she takes in his or her own involvement in the creating of attraction, not on someone pushing them to do things they already don’t want to do or to surrender what they don’t want to surrender. As with any skill, you cannot become proficient simply by reading a book about it. Practice is essential in becoming a natural in the use of the art of seduction. To make the information in the book as immediately useful as possible, each chapter includes exercises to assist you in reflecting on and further integrating the principles in the book. I have also included many examples from my own personal experiences and those of my clients. Hopefully they will inspire you into deeper reflection and life-changing decisions. The mystery of this forgotten and long-misunderstood timeless ritual may well be what you need to free you to be more whole and more passionate about life, and to stir you out of a depressed, lackluster, exhausted, or indolent state, into a state of excitement and industriousness in other areas of life.

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THE SEDUCTION GAME When seen from the perspective of getting us back to the importance of using all of our fundamental values—being a personal example, having a warm nature, integrity, honesty, and openness—seduction has connotations of magic!

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he mere mention of the word “seduction” creates feelings of anticipation—anticipation of spending time with someone interesting, intelligent, funny, and challenging; anticipation of having a great experience, of enjoying something new and something different! But if you are unfamiliar with the “rules of engagement,” it can often feel intimidating and confusing—“I think there is a way I am supposed to look and behave. This is what I am supposed to say or sound like.” That uncertainty and the fear that you might not be found attractive enough, smart enough, successful enough, or good enough can shoot your anxiety level to the sky. Even experienced daters agree that the pressure to cause a particular effect on a potential partner can sometimes be too much. The traditional one-sided model of seduction in which the seducee is a passive participant to be impressed or even coerced places the responsibility for obtaining results too much upon the seducer. It implicitly demands that if you are the seducer, you automatically take the role of “persuader” and “influencer” while the seducee takes the role of “persuadee” and “resister.” If resistance is expected it is already very powerful . . .

In an increasingly cross-gender hostile environment, you are expected to keep your status as persuader by disabling and breaking down the per-

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the seduction game suadee’s resistance and/or their willingness to employ that resistance. You are expected to dress to convincingly look attractive, and to act in ways scripted to make you appear to “fit” the persuadee’s aspirations. You are also expected to know some manipulative admiration in the form of compliments and other “supportive” rewards. But sometimes, no matter what you do to persuade a man or woman, you start to feel as if you’re fighting your way through a brick wall. The more resistance you encounter, the more you feel pressured to misrepresent yourself—withhold relevant facts, stretch the truth a little bit, say only the “right” things, and pretend you like the same things they like, etc. In some cases, what initially were good intentions simply regress into coercive power. You begin to use unrelenting persistence, forcefulness, pressure, and manipulative behaviour by exploiting their fears, anxiety, and insecurities, and by threatening them with regrettable consequences if they don’t yield. Mind control tactics and covert hypnotism are probably the most insidious types of coercion because they aim at advancing one’s own agenda while the other person is in a vulnerable state. So why do so many men and women use “force-influence” and persuasive appeals?

The answer is actually more obvious than you might think. In our society, a tremendous amount of resources are devoted to persuading, influencing, requesting, enticing, cajoling, demanding, exhorting, and manipulating others to further our ends and accomplish our own purposes. This includes people asking you to buy products and services, telling you where to spend more money, showing you where to go and when to go, suggesting how you should think about things, advising you on the ideologies to believe, and so forth. It seems everywhere you turn there is someone who wants you to do something and is trying to get you to do it in a way that is advantageous to them. Force-influencing styles and persuasive appeals are all part of this wider mentality—How can I get what I want? Who can I get it from? Who is less likely to resist? What technique can I use to break down resistance? Et cetera.

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the seduction game The strength of force-influencing styles and persuasive appeals is based on the ability to use systemic reason (factual discussions, arguments, and proofs); a penchant for persuading doubters; and intellectual ammunition (manipulation, subtle humiliation and/or brainwashing). The only requirements are the ability to compose logical arguments, knowledge, verbal fluency, ability to “soften up” others, and plain old-time hypocrisy. This “skill-set” is what is used to deliberately destabilize and diminish the victim’s defence mechanisms (self concept, emotional self-control, awareness, world view, interpretation of reality) and create or foster a sense of powerlessness if not hopelessness. The “emotional” aspects such as compliments, admiration, approval, affection, and other supportive rewards are used at calculated intervals, and on the persuader’s agenda. “Persuasion” is accomplished when the individual gradually loses his or her ability to “resist” and in most cases, his or her ability to make independent decisions or exercise informed consent. We all have at some level or other suffered from the disastrous effects of force-influencers and persuaders, and it would be easy to point out many spheres where our attempts at bonding with others have been more manipulative and selfish than loving and selfless. Some people are so wrapped up in force-influencing or coercive persuasion they are not even consciously aware of when they are doing it . ..

Men and women who worship at the altar of force-influencing or coercive persuasion come in different shapes and personalities. They can be charming and genuine, flirtatious and adaptive, charismatic and verbally expressive. And they can also be arrogant and impatient, snobbish and controlling, superficial and guarded. These men and women also tend to flaunt exaggerated empathy, staged enthusiasm, and spine-chilling reasonableness—a combination that makes them a formidable force. Over the years, and after a few one-week flings with a good number of them, I’ve found that force influencers are people who do not feel valued for who they are, but rather feel valued for what they can do. They are basically “high-achieving performers” who want an intellectual challenge; © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the seduction game and persuading and convincing is just another way for them to measure their own “dazzling array of persuasive ingenuity” against that of others. A majority are consciously and purposefully seeking validation and feedback about their “self-worth” from the people they try to persuade and perhaps from themselves as well. The ability to override another person’s will gives them some kind of “value,” confidence, or sense of self-worth. But this is a false sense of self-worth. It is self-worth that is contingent on whether one can “impose his or her will” on another. If they aren’t able to override another’s will, “coercive” persuaders feel unworthy and spited. When we allow ourselves to be manipulated by another, we are basically giving away our power. A person in his or her own personal power, full of self-love and self-worth, cannot be force-influenced, manipulated, or easily influenced by external forces. People who have moderate levels of self-esteem are more susceptible to being “force-influenced” than those with very low or high self-esteem ...

When you try (unsuccessfully) to forcefully influence someone with a high sense of self-esteem by applying external pressure on that person, the result is the creation of conflict within the individual. In order to resolve the internal pressure he or she feels as a result of your persuading, the individual consciously (or subconsciously) chooses a course of action that exercises his or her own power over the conflicting thoughts and behaviours, and as a result, exhibits reactive behaviour rather than compliance. A solid sense of self-esteem can serve as a buffer against forceful external influences and pressures, but interestingly, so can very low self-esteem. While people with low self-esteem are more likely to place more confidence in others other than themselves and therefore appear to be more susceptible to persuasion, they are also more inwardly focused (shy, distrustful, aloof) and generally preoccupied with their “feelings” and “hurts” that overall, they tend to be less open to external influences. Their constant “testing” behaviour makes them less appealing to persuaders. This narrows the field down to those in the middle of the self-esteem scale. Men and women who have moderate levels of self-esteem are out© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the seduction game wardly-oriented enough to be open to external influences but not so selfconfident or assertive enough that they’re easily persuaded and easily taken advantage of by others. Oftentimes they find themselves questioning the credibility of the persuader, doubting the “attraction” and the feelings they’ve developed. Many later regret having been taken in and wish they were more skilled at resisting the smooth talk of others. The result is a gnawing sense of uncertainty. Even when they finally find someone they really like and one who might genuinely like them back or even possibly fall in love with them, they find it hard to trust the other person’s words and actions and often wonder if they are being taken in for a ride. Traditional “force-influencing” styles have a short life. Most people learn, cut and bail out . . .

To many of us, it looks as if there is no choice in this. We somehow believe that certain things can only be done by overriding another’s will to get him or her to think a certain way and to do things we want the person to do. We are convinced that if we manage the situation and choose the “correct” technique, the opposite sex’s response will be as reliable as the springing of a mousetrap. Even when we know deep within, that our well-being and happiness is best served by generous and open attitudes toward one another, the temptation to react to life’s daily difficulties with force-influencing seems irresistible. For a majority, this is all we’ve ever known and done to get anything from others. Being firm about having your thoughts, opinions, and feelings listened to by others and getting your wants, needs, and desires met is a key part of a great relationship—and we all need to be better negotiators—but wise men and women also know that a fulfilling relationship is one that enables both parties to advance a range of thoughts, opinions, feelings, wants, needs, desires, interests, fantasies, and whatever else, through jointly-decided action. Why persuade, beg, manipulate, or force someone to want to be with you, when they can persuade themselves happily and willingly?

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the seduction game

Attraction happens quickly, effortlessly, and permanently when a person acts upon him or herself, instead of being acted upon by someone else. There is an old story about the Sun and the Wind arguing among themselves as to which of them was the strongest. They agreed to a contest to see who could most quickly get a man’s coat off his back. The Wind went first. It tried to blow the coat off the man’s back. It sent its gale upon him full force. However, the stronger it blew, the more tightly the man clutched his coat about him against the force and chill of the gale. Finally, in despair, the Wind gave up. Then it was the Sun’s turn. It showed itself to the man, gently bringing forth its light and warmth. And no sooner did the man see the Sun come out that he took off his coat happily and willingly. It is far easier for a man or woman to be self-persuaded when they find themselves in situations which motivate them to delve into their own inner being and discover new avenues that can stretch them to heights and depths they did not think possible. And once they attain deep knowledge and understanding, they develop their own internal, situation-driven behaviour. Do your part and he or she will gladly do his or her part . . .

When you are truly in touch with your “human warmth” that exists without the need for control or manipulation, your warmth overflows to others. Just like the Sun, it is your “human warmth” that moves them, motivates them, inspires them, and gives them reason to want and even to actively seek interaction with you. They “decide” to be seduced and carried along because they find your “warmth” a compelling force that is appealing and attractive. Whatever desirable behaviour and attitude changes they make will result from their exposure to your fascinating vibrant and warm nature than from perfected coercive persuasion tactics that destroy their independent decision-making ability.

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the seduction game The art of seducing should be a desire to “make beautiful music together,” literally and figuratively . . .

Think of when you invite a friend for a walk, to the movies, to go watch a soccer game, or shopping. You know that it is something that would be fun for both of you. At the same time, you know that it’s just an invitation and the other person has the option of accepting or declining. By asking him or her to come along, you are offering the gift of your presence and action hoping it will contribute to his or her happiness, but you are not responsible for that happiness. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. Both of you act on an implicit understanding that your wellbeing is best served by a nourishing exchange of energies and some degree of equality, transparency, and reciprocity. At the same time, you also know that any misrepresentation of yourself or manipulation of information to your favour may cause you not to enjoy the experience. When approached from the angle of openness and mutual well-being, the art of seduction becomes a lively, friendly, and rather slow, subtle, and alarmingly effective way of inviting another person to a sensuous experience designed to heighten all of his or her senses. Both the seducer and seducee are active, aware, and totally involved . . .

There’s no master planner or hero of an erotic grand plan, and no active or passive partner, no aggressor or victim, no subject or object, and no need to prove that one cannot be resisted, outwitted, or overpowered. Unlike seduction by persuasion which only has one goal—to persuade or convince the other person that you are what they are looking for or want, whether they know it or not—in mutual seduction each person allows the other to arrive at the “right” conclusions on their own. The one who initiates seduction does so to lose oneself in the other, and both to each other—unapologetically and unhindered—go through a series of electrifying experiences. The same things seem funny, momentous, or especially meaningful to both at the same time. The experience is animated by a search for understanding and making sense of each other …

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the seduction game

We cannot say who seduced who because the set borders between seducer and seducee seemingly break down and the one who is being seduced sometimes becomes the one who seduces. One person starts something and the other takes it up, and the one who started it adds to it. Each mutual move and counter-move is a balanced graceful response and part of a natural and instinctive expression of affection and warmth for the other. This vacillation between one and the other plays a large role in closing up the gap in emotional and physical distance. Most people wind up liking each other more. There is no inherent disgrace in being seduced or in seducing . . .

This way of seducing is all part of living life in the most fully human manner possible. Unlike in other types of seduction where the seducer’s only intent is to “have his or her way” with no respect for the seducee, who ends up feeling used, this way of seducing seeks consent and agreement. Each party respects the other as a self-directing individual with an ability to make the best decision. Both refrain from assuming that they already know the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of the other. Instead, they see and relate to each other as unique and dynamic entities who are constantly changing and making choices at each and every moment. This way of respectful inquiry stimulates a new sort of relating that allows for compatibility to surface freely. This interplay of feelings and thoughts creates something new that is built by both together. There is no fixed goal or predetermined agenda; what will or will not happen cannot be predicted . . .

The flow of experience in mutual seduction is one of interaction that is rewarding in itself, one that is done not with the expectation of some future benefit, but simply because the doing of it is the reward. Nothing is rehearsed or scripted, everything happens in the here and now. Without worrying about what will happen tomorrow or the day after that, both seducer and seducee exhibit patience, open-mindedness, flexibility, and a sense of adventure as they pose challenges, raise the stakes, tease, entice, and provoke each other to turn up the heat and “mess about” in the realm © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the seduction game of reciprocal uncertainty which can, in time, evolve into long-lasting bonds that include sexual interaction. This kind of seduction is more enjoyable, and moves along the path and flow of common goals and activities. Without a good dose of this kind of mutual seduction, male-female interactions become sluggish, dispirited, and self-interested.

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IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO No matter how much you know or how good you are, you must have an equally active partner for seduction to be pleasurable and meaningful.

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he experience of seduction is really about a flow of mutual happiness, affection, understanding, and pleasure. The trouble, of course, is that nothing you do or say matters if the other person is not responsive, appreciative, or even worth it. A man or woman you chose to seduce or open yourself up to be seduced by has to some degree be open, honest, trusting, committed, and somewhat like you if the experience is to be pleasurable and meaningful. And in order to achieve a flow in the experience, both parties need to be ready and really after the same thing. When you know, to some degree, that you are both ready and want the same thing, you can be more flexible in the interaction; changing some things and adding others to create experiences that overlap and fall into a category that deserves a separate name— enjoyment. Enjoyable experiences occur when two people feel satisfied that they are having the experience they really want, or that they have gone beyond what they’ve experienced before. Choosing wisely will serve you well in the short and long term. While you may only be choosing a man or woman to engage in a mutual dance of seduction and not choosing a potential husband or wife—which requires a whole other criterion—it is important that you do not try to create the illusion that you are more compatible and “perfect” for each other than you actually are.

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it takes two to tango The dance of mutual reciprocity, by its very nature, demands the simultaneous offering of each other . . .

When I mention “give-and-take” relationships in my workshops, a good number of men and women say they already do it all the time. But when pressed further to explain to the rest of the participants what they understand by “give-and-take” in relationships, it goes something like this: I am so unhappy with my dull and uneventful life and will do just about anything to get you to love me and give me a little space in your “life.” Spell my name right and I’ll give you anything; go out on a date with me, and I’ll tell you stories about whatever you want to hear; say you enjoy spending time with me and I’ll laugh at your jokes even when they make fun of me; massage my ego and I’ll turn myself inside out; marry me and I’ll kiss ass—just love me for God’s sake! Sometimes we are so desperate to be loved, to be accepted, and to be in a relationship that we change our own values and beliefs, give up our dreams, passions, interests, and even who we are, so that the other person will be more attracted to us. When we do this we get into a constant conflict with “who we really are” and what we really want. Over a period of time we begin to resent and even get angry at ourselves, at the opposite sex (who we feel lets us down), and at life itself. Desperation, poor judgement, low self-esteem, baggage from the past, limited experience with the opposite sex, and a lack of self-awareness often make us the victim of our own decisions and choices. When selecting a person to seduce or be seduced by, it is important that you don’t end up becoming the primary giver and the other person the primary taker . . .

If you want your seduction experience to be one of mutual reciprocity, make sure it is with someone who you can have the pleasure of “playing” with rather than against or playing for. Use the character highlights that follow as a “guide” to give you important clues as to what you can expect from certain people. Do not use these as an inflexible screening instrument or substitute for your own judgement (good judgement is necessary when

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it takes two to tango using this guide or any other) but to help you discover or confirm what you already suspect and/or know about a person. I realize that it’s kind of “weird” to judge people based on first impressions and on very limited information about them, but if the person is judgemental, caught up in their own hurt feelings (remember that hurting people tend to hurt other people), or has some ulterior motive for engaging you in seduction, that is not a person you want to become close to and expose yourself to, no matter how good your self-esteem. It is best to minimize the possibility of regret in the future. 1. A person who is intellectually inspiring, mentally awake, interesting, and interested, is particularly good to be around . . .

A person’s ability to seduce or be seduced (or capacity for love) cannot be measured by intelligence tests that don’t capture the entirety of a person’s mental power. How well someone does on an IQ test has no direct correlation to how well he or she can carry on a fairly intelligent conversation. It is possible for a man or woman to be fantastically “brainy” and not be someone you can have an “intellectual” conversation with. And a person need not have read the same books you have or even “graduated from college” for conversation to be interesting and meaningful. Ask yourself: Is this person knowledgeable and capable in his or her world? Can he or she take you there, and can (will) he or she follow you with curiosity, interest, and intelligence into the world that you find interesting and mentally stimulating? Is there an easy and constructive flow of information back and forth? If you can find someone you can have an intellectual conversation with, you are not apt to be bored with one another; you will always find the mental component of the experience to be lively and stimulating. 2. A person who is too concerned or struggling with body image issues (how it looks, feels, smells, or tastes, etc.) is unlikely to have a positive experience . . .

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it takes two to tango Most of us are afraid to admit that physical appearance is important to us. This is tricky because even though we recognize the fallacy of placing too great a value on appearance, we are human beings and for whatever reason, our primitive minds (and groins) still insist on having a say in who we find attractive and sexually desirable. You can disguise it and pretend that you are physically attracted to someone, but in the end, you’ll start questioning if they are worthy of you. In other words, you both must be physically attracted to each other on some level to make things work. While being attracted to particular physical characteristics is not a sin or a bad thing, it becomes a problem when your “ideal” is an unrealistic mix of physical traits taken from glamorous magazine cover models and movie stars, with a little bit of your own imagination thrown in. Look for positive vibrations that seem to come from within and surround a man or woman—how comfortable they are within their own skin and how they show it on the outside. Also keep in mind that “birds of a feather flock together.” No matter how much you plead for others to look at your inner self, if you do not take care of the outside—exercise to stay fit, eat healthy, take time for grooming, etc.—they’ll not bother to find out about the inside unless they are really patient, which most people are not. 3. A person who does not know how to deal with real emotions will fake them, and fake emotions by their very nature, completely undermine the experience . . .

There is no right and wrong way to feel real emotions, but somehow most of us can sniff out insincere emotions immediately. Other than in “natural liars”—people who lie so smoothly and cleanly that they’re almost impossible to catch—we can with some accuracy, tell if a person really wants to be there, wants to talk to us, or even get to know us. For a majority of us, we can tell from the moment a man or woman smiles. If he or she is smiling with the face and there is no “light” or twinkle in the eyes, chances are he or she is faking the smile to hide how he or she really feels, or perhaps doing it in a calculated way meant to impress and manipulate us. Many people who fake emotions have never really learnt how to deal with real ones in the first place and may have a hard time recognizing, feeling, or dealing with the range of emotions that the seduction experience gener© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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it takes two to tango ates. This not only takes away pleasure, but also meaning out of the whole experience. Chances are you’ll walk away from the experience feeling dissatisfied, burned out, and even angry. 4. A person who wants to be someone other than themselves is signalling deep-seated issues that may pose a challenge in reciprocal seduction . . .

Vulnerability lies in us all, however, people who do not know who they are or do not feel “worthy,” tend to have higher levels of anxiety and fear of being judged and/or rejected. They have problems expressing any strong emotion or talking about an activity that makes them happy. The reason is that, one, they do not know what makes them happy, and two, they do not believe they’ll get it. The whole experience of seduction becomes one of you playing “psychic” and them watching you with curiosity and doubt. Watch out for how the person commands and occupies his or her physical space. If it looks like he or she does not feel “worthy” of occupying a little spot on the face of the earth, you’ll have a hard time coaxing this person out of his or her shell. If on the other hand, his or her verbal and nonverbal language is overly exaggerated, if he or she is sexually explicit in dress, words and actions, and appears to come on too aggressively or has a pre-determined agenda, the seduction experience is likely to be equally exaggerated, hyped, fake, and even hurtful in the end. This kind of person may have a hard time giving-up his or her illusory sense of self or reflection of reality. He or she is also less likely to enjoy seduction that lingers and prolongs because it means they have to reveal more of themselves. They may quickly become indifferent, depressed, or irritable, and of course you’ll be frustrated. 5. A person who has little openness to the new, the unexpected, or the unpredictable tends to try to control everything, even fun . . .

If there’s one thing that identifies uptight, inflexible, closed off, boring people, it’s that they never seem to be doing much, let alone anything that involves “fun.” These people may be damn good-looking, intelligent, have

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it takes two to tango great personalities and even be “sweet” hearts, but if you’re looking at them from the perspective of wanting to have a good time, you are going to be disappointed. They simply don’t know how to “do fun.” This is how to spot them: Does he or she look too serious (rigid body, tense muscles, restless, impatient, etc.) or is he or she timid (shy, too eager to please, unsure of him or herself, hesitant, etc.)? Try to avoid judging someone simply for being nervous, some people easily blossom when nerves settle down, so look for other body language signals. Is his or her face mask-like and inexpressive, or is it emotionally intense and filled with curiosity? Is his or her body closed off or open? Head, chest, hands, palms, shoulders and legs facing inwards or tightly held together is closed off body language; facing outward is open body language. What about the sound of his or her voice? Does it project warmth, confidence, and delight or is it strained, blocked, and bored? Also look out for people who pride themselves on their emotional restraint. Besides being really uninteresting, these people are also easily offended, particularly when their sense of “control” is challenged or when they feel embarrassed or betrayed. 6. “Wild and crazy” is all well and good, but a person with a balanced “up” and “down” can better recognize things worth getting enthusiastic about . . .

No matter how exciting our lives may be, we imagine that they might be spiced up somehow by a sociable, adventurous, unreserved, and outgoing person who is full of flowing and “bubbly” energy. We are drawn to these people’s revolutionary streak, upbeat quality, and unusual ability to speculate, philosophize, socialize, and lead others into new territories, wild adventures, and abandon. While these people may be “fun models,” if their “ups” and “downs” are not balanced, they can be impetuous, reckless, and a bit unbearable. This can be a source of considerable friction. Sometimes their off-the-wall enthusiasm makes them overdo and over-perform at everything, and you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed and delivering less than was ini-

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it takes two to tango tially promised, or disappointed by overblown expectations and/or fantasies. Look at the kind of energy the person projects? Is it over the top and melodramatic? Do his or her responses—verbal and non verbal—come too quickly and nervously? Does he or she change the topic frequently? Does he or she tend to self-disclose in what seems an “inappropriate” way (too much too soon)? When around this person, do you find yourself holding your breath like someone waiting for something to “drop” on the ground—like really hard? A deeply feeling person with the ability to pace his or her emotional reality and cope with intense emotions knows how much energy he or she can put out without overwhelming and exhausting another person (or him or herself). 7. A person who is stuck in the past will have a hard time being in the “here and now” . . .

There are three kinds of people who are stuck in the past: those who can’t let go off the “pain and heartache” caused by others; those in denial about the reality of their past experience (if they don’t acknowledge it they don’t have to deal with it); and those longing for the past because it was so much better than the present. If a man or woman is hanging onto past wrongs, everything you say or do will remind them of the past. If he or she is stuck in a “glorified” past, nothing you say or do will be as good as what they experienced in the past, and if he or she is in denial (detached from reality), well, what makes you think he or she will want to experience the present? The problem here is that when you are trying to be in the present, persons who are stuck in the past are either complaining about the past or trying to get something for “tomorrow.” The two of you never really get the chance to share a momentous, present experience, unless of course you don’t mind playing therapist. Pay close attention to what people are saying (the words they use), it’ll give you lots of clues as to where they are in their lives. Most people who © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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it takes two to tango are stuck in the past will talk a great deal about it or keep jumping ahead to the future. It can be really difficult to pin them down to the “here and now.” 8. A person who adamantly does not wish to be seduced or to seduce is already dead to the experience—don’t waste your time . . .

When we desire experiences that make our lives meaningful, fun, and rewarding we tend to move into new situations, in this case mutual seduction, with a self-assured, relaxed, and trusting attitude. But when we are distracted by a judgmental attitude, inhibitions, neediness, insecurities, anger, long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, jealousies, fears of inadequacy, rejection, failure, distrust, self-doubt, confusion, and shame, we will find it difficult to seduce anyone or to be seduced even by a well-meaning loving person. Look for a sense of ease, trust, excitement, and desire for closeness: Does the person communicate interest and involvement, sincerity and confidence? Does he or she touch people, him or herself, and objects in his or her environment? People who touch and enjoy touch are better adjusted emotionally, enjoy intimacy, and are more trusting of others. As a general rule, avoid people who display “aggressive” tendencies. These people just cannot stand to be seduced, it upsets and undermines their control-hungry predisposition. Use your “internal barometer” to help you remain true to yourself and your values . . .

In the initial stages of an encounter we have less information on which to decide mutual suitability and compatibility. That’s when listening to your “gut” really comes in handy. It may lead you to someone who is not usually “your type” and may take you outside of what you already know or expected. This place may be exactly where you need to go. Listen to your “gut feeling”; it’s your biggest ally.

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it takes two to tango If you feel you’ve chosen carefully and wisely, let the person know you feel good about them without asking anything in return . . .

I am going to list a few suggestions that might make it a little easier to ask someone out and actually manage to have a “fun” date. These suggestions can be used equally by men and women, however, I do realize that individuals need to make their own decisions. Please look at these only as guidelines and not routines to be followed with strict adherence. a) Make sure the very first contact you have has an “emotional” component to it . . .

Pay a compliment, playfully tease or express anything you would to a close friend when you meet up. If you are not sure about how to playfully tease a man or woman, there is a whole chapter in this book titled “Turning Up the Heat.” If this is someone you’ve met before, make some sort of “emotional” connection by reminding him or her of a conversation you had in the past or of some other context in which you know them. Another way of making it personal is letting the person know why you want to go out with him or her. For example, “You seem like a really interesting person . . .” or, “We seem to have a lot in common . . .” It is very helpful for you and for them to know why you want to go out with them; most people would be flattered and respond positively. If you are confident that the person is equally interested or if they’ve indicated that to you, you may want to try something more daring and adventurous—“I really would like to get to know more of you . . .” or, “I have a strong feeling there is something more between us . . .” If you are one of those women who are shy about asking men out, say, “I really enjoy talking with you. Here is my card. I would love for you to call or e-mail me sometime.” The problem with this is that now you cannot call or email him without appearing “desperate” or as “coming on too strong.” b) Ask someone to do something casual as opposed to going out on a formal date. Casual settings let him or her see you in a variety of situations and circumstances utilizing a variety of emotions . . .

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it takes two to tango Before asking the person out, decide in advance where you want to go, when you want to do it, and what you are going to do. For the first few dates, think casual rather than formal. This is because casual dates are more likely to make it easy for both of you to see the “emotional” side of each other than formal settings. With something casual, there doesn’t have to be a lot of heavy planning. If you meet him or her in a business environment, or if he or she asks you out on a formal date like dinner and a movie, instead, invite him or her to some other casual activity with you. You want to get him or her to “feel” you emotionally by doing something fun together instead of just sitting and talking. It’s when you are both having fun and not trying to be “too much in the head” that you both really get to see what you’re like. Just make sure he or she can see you using a variety of emotions. It may also be easier for someone to say yes to a casual date than to a more formal date like going to dinner or a concert. c) Tell the person what you plan to do, but in addition, create an “emotional” image in his or her mind . . .

Saying “Would you like to play tennis on Thursday? It’d be fun!” not only lets the person know what he or she is saying yes to—both interest and availability—but also how they might feel, in this case fun. Another example is: “I volunteer at Children’s Hospital on Saturdays. I’d like you to come with me. I am sure the children will be thrilled to have you.” Asking in this way is typically seen as friendly, non-threatening, and respectful. You are giving the other person lots of room to decline easily and gracefully. He or she may say, “Thursday is not good for me,” or “Tennis is not my thing,” etc. This more direct approach is likely to be successful than something more indirect like saying, “What are you doing Saturday night?” or “Let’s get together and do something sometime.” This makes you seem less confident and as if you’re just throwing “bait” with no specific “real” interest or plan. And what the heck is “something sometime”? Keep in mind that most interesting people also have busy lives!

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it takes two to tango

d) Remember, like acceptance, rejection is just part of life. Keep it in perspective . . .

If the person says “no” to your request for a date, don’t necessarily think it means he or she doesn’t ever want to do something with you. Take into account the tone of the conversation and the sincerity in the excuse they give you. For some people, the timing isn’t right because of other commitments or because they are preoccupied or stressed about other things. For some, the activity you are proposing might not be something they have interest in. So if you presume the only reason you’re being turned down is because you are not “good enough” or because you don’t have excellent attributes and talents, you are only hurting yourself. That said, some people just don’t hit it off together and there may not be anything you can do about that except to look for someone whose interests are more like your own. e) Keep your focus on having an enjoyable time. Forcing a relationship that hasn’t developed yet may prove detrimental . . .

Many singles, especially these days, tend to go on dates with expectations and assumptions, but it gets worse, after a few good dates, some singles may begin to get the idea that they are now an item. Keep in mind that a person’s acceptance of a date may not mean anything beyond the acceptance of that given date. Allow things to happen naturally and at the same time, be aware that the other person may never feel the way you feel about him or her. If you are jumping ahead of yourself, it will seep into your attitude and into the interface between you—and he or she will notice.

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THE REAL HEART OF THE MATTER Janet O'Neal tells us: To be seductive from your very core is first and foremost to seduce yourself.

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nyone attempting to engage in seduction that unites meaning and pleasure has to begin from a place of mindful awareness—being aware of how their conscious and unconscious intentions, values, presumptions, beliefs, desires, thoughts, and feelings, affect the way they interpret information, the decisions they make, and the behaviours they insist on, defend, or avoid. This may sound like the philosophical statement of a sage from ancient times, but if we are not immediately aware of how our inner lives operate, we cannot relax and cannot adopt the flexible unafraid attitude that the art of seduction calls for. A state of inner emptiness (disorganized and/or fragmented sense of self) especially challenges our ability to successfully be ourselves in any environment because we look, sound, touch, act, and relate differently when we are stressed, anxious, worried, tired, frightened, controlling, agitated, depressed, or withdrawn. In this state, it is hard to give enough to anyone or receive enough from anyone. But what is worse than the inability to give or receive is that you are unable to accept the simple fact that you are unable to give as well as receive. You think that you know what the other person wants and needs but your “timing” is wrong most of the time. You either come-on too strong, too hard, too fast, or too slow—and you pay a high price for it. You can memorize all the seduction knowledge of the known universe, attend seduction seminars, read this book cover to cover and even meet © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the real heart of the matter someone who has underlined all the “right” sections in the book, but you’ll find yourself taking one step forward and then a step back. Most of the time things will backfire leaving you feeling like a failure; pressured, struggling, lousy, vulnerable, hurt, abused, violated, suspicious, desperate, anxious, angry, scared, confused, insulted, rejected, frustrated, resentful and generally pissed off. Each false concept, each wrong conclusion, each erroneous opinion, each destructive attitude, each negative emotion undermines whatever meaning and pleasure you are trying to create for the person you are seducing or opening yourself up to be seduced by. The value we place on ourselves affects our whole being . . .

When we place a high value and worth on ourselves we feel strong and confident about life despite our current circumstances and looks. When we can find this sense of value within ourselves we bring an abundance of love into our lives and the lives of others. When you are operating from inner fullness, you have a healthy view of yourself and your self-worth. Your self-worth does not come from just personal achievements but from knowing that your presence in the world is a gift and contribution to the well-being of everything in it. You also have a clear sense of your identity as an individual and as members of a community. Your core values guide your actions and you thrive both independently and interdependently. You do not run away from the challenges of life, and when you make mistakes you take comfort in knowing you are just human. You believe in yourself as worthy of others’ attention and affection and have realistic expectations of yourself and of others. But when you are operating out of inner emptiness, you suffer from double consciousness, the consciousness of entitlement and the consciousness of inadequacy and incompleteness. You are on a constant search for something or someone to make you feel good enough, attractive enough, valued enough, appreciated enough, listened to enough, and so forth— because you do not believe you are worthy of anybody’s attention and affection. You seek affirmation and the refutation of your own lack of self-

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the real heart of the matter worth through superficial transformations of your outer appearance or the trolling for some small expression of praise or respect from your superiors and peers. You may appear to be both happy and balanced, until your outer façade is shaken or shattered, then a profound, deeper inner emptiness comes pouring out. You are easily frustrated or discouraged and want easy solutions because you doubt yourself and are afraid to put yourself out there. If you are not hiding or in denial, you’re pushing yourself, your feelings, and your needs onto others, and if you are not pushing yourself onto others, you are living with a naive sense of invincibility and flattery of your “power” over others or are submitting blindly to others’ manipulative tactics. The value we place on ourselves reflects the value we place on others . . .

When we recognize ourselves as whole and complete beings, not only do we accept others as whole and complete beings in and of themselves, we also are able to figure out how to get more of what we want from others in ways that help them get what they want for themselves. When you are operating from inner fullness when you are patient, kind, compassionate, and responsive to the needs of others but also know how much energy you can put into others without draining your own energy and hurting yourself. You have the persistence and tenacity to stay with things to the end, while still knowing when to give up on something if your energy is better used elsewhere. You give of who you are without pushing yourself onto others. You do not impose on others what you think you should want or get. You happily let others choose their own obligations in life without manipulating them, to operate their own lives without hindrance or interference, but when asked, you are willing to help by supporting, cooperating, and giving advice. Your innate sense of fairness, openness, and loyalty, arouses generous and noble feelings in others. Without trying, you make others want to offer their best to you and to the relationship. You also stir within them, a greater faith in themselves and their potentials.

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the real heart of the matter

But when you are operating from inner vacuity on the other hand, you have doubts as to how you fit in with others and feel uncertain in a world where genuine relationships are hard to discern and secure commitments are unlikely to be realized. As a result of your anxious state, you may find yourself “investing” affection and demanding that it “pay off.” This may lead you to being argumentative and quick to point out others’ weaknesses or what you see as “faults.” Unfortunately, this behaviour makes others feel bad or uneasy because you are constantly putting them down, and are abusive and resentful. You also have an extreme need to “possess” others and things. If the other person turns away, or if he or she does not respond the way you want them to, a feeling of uneasiness grips you, your ego is jolted, and you feel rejected, bitter, hateful, and may react with cool detachment, sarcasm, or displaying a victim mindset. You don’t take responsibility for your actions but blame others for your problems. In fact, blaming others for your problems may be the most easily recognizable characteristic of someone who is operating from inner emptiness. Around you, others feel squeezed, pressured, and tense, which unfortunately makes you push yourself, your feelings, and your needs onto them even more. It is a vicious circle of rejection. The attitude you have towards the opposite sex plays a very important role in your behaviour and expectations . . .

The most desirable men and women are the ones who know they are desirable. If we are (subconsciously) convinced we are undesirable we become undesirable. If we are convinced that relationships with the opposite sex are not worthwhile, we unknowingly convince the opposite sex that a relationship with us is not worthwhile. We’re trapped in the vicious cycle we create. When you are operating out of inner fullness, you tend to be more realistic in your approach to relationships and will see people and situations as they are. You understand that every man or woman is different and make an effort to get to know him or her as a unique and mysterious individual. You have no romantic illusion of an “ideal” partner or perfect marriage but understand and accept that a relationship will work because two peo-

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the real heart of the matter ple want it to work and can make it work. You know when to take appropriate risks, are decisive when necessary, and can focus or concentrate in order to get something done without distorting reality and without fooling yourself. You accurately weigh probabilities so that you know the most likely outcome to expect in situations you come across. You can be intellectually stimulating one time, tender and affectionate another time, and playful and passionate another time. Your adaptability stirs intense emotions and desires in the opposite sex. But when you are operating out of inner emptiness, you approach relationships with the opposite sex on the basis of the pure assertion of will because you perceive them as stupid, manipulative, sadistic, characterless, insensitive, and angry; or you approach relationships from a place of total consent-giving and passivity, presenting some kind of idealized version of yourself that you think will meet the other person’s notion of “ideal” man or woman; or you are constantly looking for Prince or Princess Charming and imagine how wonderful that person will be. You tend to fall in love with the potential of a person and have difficulty seeing them realistically. Regardless of the approach you use to get into a relationship with the opposite sex, panic lies not far beneath your every word, action, and boundary of personal identity. You are likely to get easily upset, discouraged, or defensive. This is especially true when you are full of thoughts about the past, or clinging to some unreasonable expectations of how everything should be, ignoring how things really are. Even when you find yourself in a relationship you will take action only after you have overanalyzed and completely distorted the information presented to you in order to suit your fantasy rather than the reality. Your capacity to accurately read a man or woman’s intentions and body language is impaired and you are more likely to make “bad” rather than “good” impressions on the person you are trying to seduce. You may also have a tendency to try to arouse jealousy and attempt to gain a deeper affection by showing a prospective date, lover, or spouse how much others admire you.

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the real heart of the matter The way you handle your emotions is reflected in your ability to create pleasurable and worthwhile experiences for others . . .

We need our emotions. They provide us with the vital force to think creatively and act decisively. But our emotions can also easily and literally rob us of the opportunity to live a happy life. When you are operating from inner fullness, you feel your emotions in the right way, respecting and accepting them and not denying or resisting. You value your emotions and understand that even the most painful emotions are often a necessary part of learning some of the more important lessons in life. You take responsibility for how you let your emotions hold you back or push you forward. You have made a conscious choice to use your feelings as a guide to dealing with situations and people. You have the ability to identify and let in those who are “safe” or emotionally healthy, and keep out those who are not. You show consideration for others’ feelings, needs, and desires but not at the expense of your own. You are more complimentary and more thankful for the simple things that others say or do for you, and for the little musings and surprises that life leaves along your way. But when you are operating from inner emptiness, you are either emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally shut down. When you are emotionally shut down, you’ve shut down your ability to be vulnerable and open to emotional intimacy. Consequently, when you do really open up to someone, it’s often too much, too soon. When you are operating out of emptiness, you are overwhelmed emotionally—you don’t like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional pain and so are constantly complaining and blaming other people for the things they do or did to you. You scare others away because you come across as having too many “emotional problems.” You also find it easier to play the “poor me, pity me” and have somehow convinced yourself you really are a great person but no one seems to notice it or understand you. People who operate from inner emptiness go through a series of relationships that are emotionally shallow or become stuck in one that is abusive and unfulfilling. They attract relationships that are characterized by ma-

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the real heart of the matter nipulation and dominance, where one dominates with a sense of “powerlessness” and the other with a sense of “power” or the appearance of strength. Your comfort in and with your body affects your ability to use the body as an intelligent communicator of ideas, emotions, and desires . . .

What’s inside of you is also outside of you—in your eyes, on your face, and all over your body. If you are nervous and anxious, your body will show it. If you are “playing it safe,” your body will show that too, and if you are feeling nothing and are empty inside, even that your body will show. When you are operating out of inner fullness you feel attracted to and proud of your own body and the way it functions. You have no illusions or longings for a “perfect body” and realize your sex appeal doesn’t come from your looks, clothes, or mirror-honed poses but from a dignified posture, a sense of gratitude, happiness, good health, radiant personality, and a “dash of physical imperfection.” You’re skilled in the appropriate display of emotions and get more attention and social influence because you are able to draw attention to your positive attributes such as your skills and abilities—by using a diverse range of nonverbal cues and tactics. But when you are operating out of inner emptiness, the body is a place of struggle, ambiguity, and contradiction. In some ways it is like having an injury. You walk hunched to one side, restrict your movement, and become rigid and inflexible. Your body actually slows you down and makes you more insecure in yourself, in your surroundings, and in the world. Some people are so desensitized in their bodies, exiled in their intellects, dominated by emotions and imprisoned by their defenses and insecurities that they are passing through life without ever knowing the miracle of fully inhabiting a vitally alive, sensuous, and sensitive body. The level of comfort you have with your sexual self determines the quality of your sex life . . .

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the real heart of the matter When we are confident about who we are as sexual beings, our thoughts, emotions, intentions, desires, dreams, hopes, and actions are infused with purpose, meaning, passion, sensuousness, vitality, and life. When you are operating from inner fullness you are in touch with your masculine and feminine duality. You have a positive attitude towards sexuality which in turn increases your sexual confidence, making you more sexually desirable to the opposite sex. And because you feel sexually desirable, your sex drive is stronger and that greater sex drive increases your capacity to really enjoy sex (when the circumstance are right), which in turn intuitively makes you more giving sexually. Your desire to share your inner fullness of being actually enhances your ability to give pleasure to another person. It also enables you to draw out the best in your sexual partner. You are appreciative and show much consideration to the other person’s feelings, needs, and desires. You take your time and relish every moment of it, make love for longer periods of time, feel more energized, stay strong and young. Your undeniable ability to keep going on and on and on just like the Energizer bunny comes from “feeling” and “releasing” the organic flow of the primal body and spirit based on the spontaneous moment, without artificial or rigid, mental gridlike series of steps, routines, or techniques used by those who depend on the latest sociological research, or “empowering” sex techniques from orgasmic “sexperts.” But when you are operating from an inner void, your anxious lack of confidence in the validity of your own sexual desires may either cause you to distance yourself from your sexual self by denying it, which makes you come across to the opposite sex as non-sexual. You may have the best communication skills, be caring, considerate, and romantic but to the opposite sex you will only come across as “nice” or as a “good friend,” not as someone they think of in a sexual way. On the other hand, you may opt to consciously manufacture the appearance of being “super-sexy” and having an “insatiable sexual appetite” in order to maintain a precarious social front, when in actuality, you are nearly paralyzed by inner uncertainty. When it comes to the bedroom, you instinctively withhold your true self from your sexual partner because, again, you fear they will not like you © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the real heart of the matter since you do not like yourself. You may be obsessing about sex and craving it because it fills the inner emptiness, but only temporarily. When you try to loosen up, you often do so rebelliously, blindly, recklessly and dangerously. You do not know how to skilfully, deliberately, and artfully surrender to your sexual urges and needs, or to handle the phenomenon of total sensory stimulation. You drain all the passion, love, and life out of your sexual partner(s) and often end up hurting or taking advantage of them, and very often you also wind up getting hurt and being taken advantage of. So how do hopeful seducers transition from inner emptiness to inner fullness . . ?

One: Ask yourself these questions—Where do my attitudes, assumptions, and judgments come from? What are my self-destructive ways of thinking and relating? Can I accurately identify my emotions when they happen? Can I experience very pleasant and very unpleasant emotions without being possessed or obsessed by them? Do I get swept away thinking about the object of my desire (like thinking about the wedding, the house, and children even before you’ve spoken to the person!)? When taken over by painful emotions do I have the capacity to bounce back quickly? Do I have the capacity to respond from a place that is connected to something beyond emotional reactivity? Can I use my emotions to always come up with a positive outcome? By asking these probing questions, you will eventually be able to focus all your efforts in a personally significant way. Two: Once you have identified your self-destructive patterns, start changing them. Commit yourself to work through and deal with your ego entanglements (frustration, stress, pride, judgmental attitude, etc.), and emotional wounds (anger, fear, guilt, shame, etc). Not only will you become more aware of your own way of relating, but you will become more aware of things about others that you would not have otherwise realized. And instead of trying to influence and persuade them or reacting in a hostile manner, you can more freely allow for a connection to emerge naturally.

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the real heart of the matter

Three: Open yourself up to the possibility that you can and will change. Instead of trying to defend your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, step back and really look at how certain preconceptions, assumptions, attitudes, beliefs, feelings, and hang-ups affect your behaviour, and how your behaviour affects your relationships and your sense of worth, and consequently prevent you from opening yourself up to see and be seen, hear and be heard in a deeper, more intimate way. Four: Put yourself in situations where you are forced to grow. This is the only way to grow. Get out and meet lots of people. The only way you can learn about human relations is by having them. The more you know about others, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you know about yourself, the better chance you have of meeting someone with whom you have lots in common. Once you start operating from inner fullness, you will be delighting to the opposite sex, easily, effortlessly, and effectively. Your comfort level with yourself will allow you to feel okay to share deeper levels of yourself with others and dive in with abandon and sweet surrender. And when you're done you'll leave him or her wondering how it could have ever been otherwise.

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SENSUOUSNESS IS HALF SEDUCTION DONE When we are sensate, sensitive to the situation, and sensible in the most basic of ways, we can actually begin to know ourselves and each particular person we are dating, have a relationship with, or are seducing, in a completely different way.

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hey say, the best things cannot be told, and the second best are often misunderstood. Sensuousness is one of those things that has been misunderstood, wrongly annotated, mutilated, deformed, overdramatized, and over commercialized that it has come to mean anything—from places of certified relaxation, scantily dressed airbrushed models, to primetime television “put-on-sex” commercials—anything other than how we experience great intimacy with and reflect the natural sensuous world itself. Very often the use of the word “sensuous” is confused with “sensual,” even though the two are not the same in meaning. While it’s true that sensuousness plays an integral part in sexuality and sex itself, it is not limited to those areas. Instead, “sensuousness” should be more appropriately understood as a warm receptiveness to the gifts that our eyes, ears, noses, mouths, skin, intuition, reason, inner awareness, community, spontaneity, rhythm, and a whole multitude of other senses, can bestow on us. In indigenous African cultures, sensuousness is also referred to as “living by spirit”; it includes the ability to experience life emotionally, passionately, and intensely, and the willingness to think deeply about the larger picture in the grand scheme of life.

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sensuousness is half seduction done Sensuousness is what reawakens and arouses our minds and bodies and makes us feel alive, here and present. It is the power of what is real and flowing in our bodies—a peculiar mingling of sense and soul in a sort of mystical beauty that translates into depth and richness of life. Being sensuous means taking voluptuous pleasure in our senses, revelling in their energy, being replenished by their strength, and being every bit immersed in the depth of our beingness. These moments give us the standard by which everything else is measured. Lack of focused sensuousness shows up in our lives as a lack of oomph—no soul—just lethargic dullness . . .

The problem why more men and women are rejected, dates have become more meaningless and boring, and relationships are ever shorter, is not just because people are feeling empty, fragmented, disillusioned, and uncertain about who they are and who the other person is, it is also because they lack the adventurous urge to live more vividly and fully. Modern life has given us the best of everything that money and technology can offer, yet we still feel—well, unfulfilled. We feel like there is something substantial missing and want more, not just from life, but from our relationships. Most of us go through life simply noticing and superficially participating in whatever comes up without getting wholeheartedly and deeply involved with anything or anyone. We are walking through life in a daze, addicted to the neurotic pattern of stress and the convulsive search for pleasure and stimulation, constantly complaining about and even resentful of the world as a hostile place, a place that we must modify or tame or manipulate to suit our purposes. Simply put—we live as little as possible, more dead than alive, just surviving somehow, breathing somehow, waiting for death to come and free us to go to some place more bearable than this world we live in. But when we are deeply in touch with the natural world we are in a sense in touch with ourselves because we are part of the natural world. We make the world with our senses as much as it makes us through them,

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sensuousness is half seduction done and the more we understand ourselves, the more we understand the world. The senses are a necessary condition for most if not all of life experience . . .

Our society and education deliberately demean information received through our senses and body calling it flaky or fuzzy thinking, subjective rather than scientific or objective. Some of the innate human senses such as intuition, inner harmony (balance), oneness (sense of community), spontaneity, rhythm, and so forth, that recognized as important sources of information and necessary ingredients for a “fulfilled life” by ancient teachings, African and Eastern traditions, are not even recognized as human senses in many Western cultures. The degrading of the relevance of our human senses has kept our senses underdeveloped and has weakened our ability to appreciate or validate sensate information when it appears. When left undeveloped, the senses give us jumbled information—an insensate eye only sees ugliness or gruesome sights, the unmusical ear mainly hears noises and uncoordinated sounds, the coarse palate knows only bland tastes, and an untrained body moves in random and clumsy ways. Yes, there is still some involvement of the senses, but it is filtered and sublimated through strict mental control, turning daily existence into an alienated, mechanical, meaningless routine. Even when we now seem to be more aware that we can only experience life in its fullness with the mind, body, and spirit working together, we still have the tendency towards external “sensuous” utopias that claim to offer escapes from solipsistic emptiness by providing the illusion of intensity of feeling and “inner peace,” but no exit from the lost sense of natural vibrancy, passion, ecstasy, and meaning that we have lost in ourselves. Sensuous men and women have a hypnotic quality or aura that surrounds them all day long . . .

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sensuousness is half seduction done You’ll know when you meet a sensuous person (or when one has begun seducing you) the instant you get a deep look into their eyes and see the “let’s-live-life” invitation behind them. They are interesting and fascinating to other people because they inspire others to savour the love of life as a thing of beauty. This particular brand of hypnotic quality synonymous with sensuous men and women comes from quality, beauty, charm, unpredictability, mysteriousness, and sensitivity. Their uniqueness and exclusivity comes from their attentiveness to, appreciation of, and ability to relish the tranquility and timelessness quality that characterizes the natural sensuous world we all live in. It is this affinity with the sensuous world that makes the earth (and life) feel like one great big playing field for sensuous people. And it’s this very thought-felt kinship with the rest of the sensuous world that distinguishes them from those of us who do not share the same affinity. And because they operate on real time (right now, right here, now-as-it-ishappening), sensuous people rarely if ever follow a specific game plan or tactical strategy. For example, you could get into a conversation about the weather that gradually takes on a humorous mood and before you know it things are going to the next level. In true seduction, all senses converge—eyes, ears, nose, tongue, emotions, body, mind, and spirit . . .

Each and every one of our senses brings its own distinct and untranslatable quality, intensity, and flavour into our daily interactions. Here is where the sensory dynamic really gets interesting and exciting. We can isolate each of the senses, turn them up or down depending on what information we want to send or want to collect, then blend them together in various combinations to evoke unique primal emotions, expose our humanness and sensual attractiveness, and create enchanting experiences in the most playful, relaxing, enticing, and intimate manner available to humankind. And these special moments, when they occur, are imprinted in the memory for ever.

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sensuousness is half seduction done Within this perspective we could describe the art of seduction as a timed flow of sensations characterized by different unfolding phases. The physical energies unleashed by the senses are the very heart of the seduction discourse which, apart from their usefulness, are savoured for themselves. In fact, super-sensory awareness generates a pleasure that needs no object beyond itself. Rather than being caught in some momentary mind-state, we can actually begin to know and experience what is here and now, how we hold the moment and respond to it, how we act or, if you like, behave. Our sense of the here and now becomes one reality and that reality continuously feeds the seduction experience at a very subtle level, even when we don’t logically understand it. Some people become so deeply focused that they experience an almost euphoric state of joy and pleasure in the process. They lose track of time (gaining a feeling of timelessness), are highly alert, and feel that they are functioning at their most powerful mental, emotional, and spiritual states. You don’t have to work diligently to achieve sensuousness . . .

Anything can become alive and sensate if we chose to give it our full attention, if we sacrifice everything else we could be doing or thinking to become one with whatever it is that is before us, whether it is another human being, a bite of food, a kiss, the melody of a song, a dress caressing the body, a piece of art, the soil in your garden. Be-ing present, open, and alert mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, sexually, and spiritually in an unrushed manner, unimpaired by guilt, regrets, and selfrecriminations, and free from distractions and feelings of obligation enables us to experience every moment as new, significant, and necessary. It is in this awareness of the unfolding moment of right now, right here, now-as-it-is-happening, in our ability to be in touch with the part of ourselves that is free from all the racing, the doing, the constantly taking care of, the need to fix things up, and satisfy cravings that an inner freedom and relaxation arises. Using our senses by paying attention to the wonderment of each sense and being appreciative of each sense in its own right, not only changes the

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sensuousness is half seduction done way we experience ourselves but the way we experience the world around us and the value we place on life and on others. But where do we start? What would we do?

The search for harmony with the rest of the sensuous world coincides with a renewed interest in the spirituality of indigenous peoples and the nostalgia for the “return to the age of primal ecstasy.” Although a highly optimistic vision in itself, there are two major problems with this nostalgic idealism. The first problem is that the watered-down adaptations and misguided approaches of viewing everything in ancient teachings as a source of some kind of spiritual self-perfection or erotic callisthenics for better orgasms for the “chosen few” further detaches ancient teachings and practices from the common everyday ways of loving and living on the land. So even when we have all these mind-body-spirit meditations, spend time in the feel-good-ambiance of spas and retreats, or in “do your own thing” and “be in the moment” programs and workshops, we still feel that sense of boredom and enervation. The other problem with this longing for the “return to the age of primal ecstasy” is that for post modern urban sophisticates whose environment has had much of the natural world stripped from it, it may not be possible to “re-create” the primal in the manner the ancients knew it or even “reenact” the exact rituals experienced by indigenous cultures. In the indigenous world, nature speaks in a wordless language. Through nature the universe feelingly speaks, urging, asking, reassuring, warning, or giving direction. The voice of nature can come from anywhere and anything—the gush of the wind, the sway of a tree, the call of a bird, the sound of water flowing, the smell of a flower, the brooding of a cloud, the rumbling of the earth, the touch of a twig or branch, etc. Nature is not just a passive entity to be admired, marvelled at, or photographed, but an active and responsive participant and partner in our experiences. Everything (and everyone) that is part of nature is animate (has a life and spirit), and therefore, there can be no “me” apart from “them.” When an indigenous person touches a rock, a tree, fire, or water for example, he or she does not look at it as merely touching a passive object because the rock, tree, fire, or

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sensuousness is half seduction done water is also touching him or her back. Even if all alone, one is always engaged in a “dialogic rhetoric” with nature and other imperceptible forces. Indigenous cultures also have rituals for initiating young children and adults to deepen their understanding and dependence on their natural senses. As young people prepare to become adults, they are virtually pushed to experiences meant to help them learn heightened awareness using all of the senses, thereby enriching their source of sensuousness. They are encouraged to use all of their senses yet remain focused and aware of what is inside, underfoot, over the head, all around, as well as what may lie further on. They are taught to always look out for the little musings and surprises life leaves in the most unlikely corners and turns. There’s something ancient and wise inside all of us that knows better . . .

While our modern society may be far too industrialized for us to demand a return to a millennial past, we are not yet too alienated from our natural sensuousness to undertake a quest for an authentic communion with the self and the sensuous world. This is a very simple exercise that costs nothing and does not require a lot of planning or wilderness adventure experience, one which will initiate your journey towards the kind of sensuous immersion you only intellectualize but never quite experience. It can be used by just about anyone without any conflict with your faith or beliefs. It is very interesting to see what happens. Spend private time by yourself in a park watching and listening to the afternoon as it moves towards evening and the day turns to night. Spend time just sitting, watching, and listening in a roaming fashion, letting your attention flow from point to point but never digressing into the past or future. Allow boredom and anxiety to come and go. As the sky darkens, relax and tune into the world with all your senses. Concentrate on each of the senses one at a time without any mental distraction or interference. Try not to analyze, judge, or validate what you are doing, but instead be-

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sensuousness is half seduction done come the sights, sounds, scents, temperature, or brush of wind on your skin—just let yourself be. If feelings of fear, sadness, hurt, and pain intrude, accept them, embrace them and let go. If tears come, let them roll, do not try to suppress or stop them. When you are ready they’ll stop on their own. If laughter comes don’t worry about how you look laughing, just laugh—softly and quietly, hard and loud, whatever comes. If feelings of anger surface, don’t try and make them go away by blaming, excusing, or psychoanalyzing why you are angry, and who or what you are angry at. Just acknowledge that you are angry and that it’s “okay” knowing that life isn’t always fair, we don’t always get what we want, and that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes you don’t need to know why. If you deliberately practice this kind of deep level of awareness through the senses, you’ll see how it will heighten your sensitivity to your senses. If you do this over time, you will accumulate a vast body of knowledge which can open your body up to a greater understanding of the body’s wisdom as ancient, sacred, playful, and profound. You will then be able to strategically and intentionally direct your healthy passions into achieving a desired experience and even inspire sensuous possibilities in other areas of your life.

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THE DANCE OF EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION You are attractive to another person to the degree that the person perceives you as potentially contributing to their happiness.

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esearch has shown time and again that people who rate themselves as physically attractive or perceive themselves to be considered physically attractive by others are more likely to cooperate with others they find attractive and to have encounters where exchange relationships are possible. Men who consider themselves good-looking more often make the first move than other men who consider themselves average or lacking in the looks department. On the other hand, women who consider themselves as more “attractive” less often make the first move than other women. Physically attractive women—or at least the ones who think of themselves as physically attractive—expect to be approached and are more likely to cooperate with men they find equally physically attractive than with the men they do not find “good-looking.” When a man or woman’s eyes lock on to someone for the first time, they lock on to their physical appearance. Whatever they recognize as visually stimulating, that’s what they focus on, admiring and lingering on its details. Physical appearance is most influential at the time of first contact because the way we look will determine “dwell time” (how long the eyes stay and what they see). However, physical attractiveness alone cannot create lasting sexual attraction. It may begin it and can confirm it again and again but it’s our ability to transfer our “good feelings” to others and inspire them to action that often plays a significant role in a long-term relationship. The emotional experience is the defining factor in dating and relationship success. © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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“Well, that’s obvious, everyone knows that you need feelings to be in a relationship,” you might think. You are right, but how many times have you heard the words “I had a good feeling he or she could be the one!” and it turns out those “good feelings” were wrong. There are many of us who have no idea what emotional attraction means, let alone how it works. Most of the time, we’re too preoccupied with the superficial “feelings’ of physical attraction that we fail to recognize the more elementary, more significant inner process. People skilled in the appropriate display of emotions make a more favourable and lasting impression . . .

Human preference for emotional expressiveness is something that has been pre-programmed into our psyche via thousands of years of primate heritage. Our pre-programming has led us to be uniquely sensitive to intensity, smoothness, regularity, and rhythm of body motions, and whether we gain or lose energy from being around a particular person. Given a choice between several individuals with similar dress, hair, grooming, and accessories, the man or woman with the “less than perfect” body or hair, who speaks with passion, is vibrant and quick to smile, always has a twinkle in the eye, and looks happy, will be found more sexually appealing than someone who looks stressed, stiff, and full of himself or herself. We naturally imagine that a person who exudes an animated general state of well-being feels more deeply and experiences more profoundly and therefore must be more delightful to be with. Men and women are more attracted to others who look like they are enjoying themselves because they are looking for new and uplifting experiences with a vibrant soul that is full of support and encouragement. They want to see a common energy or “mood of life” that unites them with someone special and to believe with great certainty that involvement with him or her will bring about enjoyment, excitement, arousal, intimacy, nurturance, or some reward related to personal expansion. And they want someone who has a similarly strong drive toward natural liveliness, versatility, interest in new ideas and new experiences, and with whom they can

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the dance of emotional attraction intelligently share a life that is more interesting than it would be if they were single and alone. Emotionally attractive people are not born that way. It takes a bit of work and commitment to become emotionally attractive . . .

It is not possible to scientifically measure how much energy we gain or lose from being around a particular person, but for whatever reason, some people are easy to be around and some aren’t. We gain energy from those people who bring out the best in us and with whom we feel more energized just by being around them. Energy drainers are the exact opposite. They are like a gigantic breathing and walking sponge sucking the very life out of us. They leave us emotionally and physically exhausted after being around them, even in a short period of time. Energy “drainers” come in different shades and varieties. They include those who are pessimistic, selfish, or cynical; those who lack purpose in life; those who are always whining and complaining, or always worrying over what they said or how they said it; those who only see “the negative” or “conspiracy” in everything and everyone; those who always try to discourage rather than encourage; those who engage in gossip or pass around unfounded facts about others; those who are afraid of taking risks and see only obstacles; those who are always telling you what to do with your life and yet they themselves are not any happier; those who live lives that are incongruent with their innermost values, hopes, dreams, and desires—the list goes on. My personal “secret” for maintaining high energy and vitality in life is to avoid people who are always looking for someone or something to “give them energy” or make them “feel good” about themselves. Of course, sometimes situations develop that require us to “lend” energy to another person to help them back up to be self-sustaining. I experience a lot of this in my practice. I know that these people are not purposely draining my energy but are stuck somewhere and need a little “energy” boost, but I am careful not to allow myself to burn out and crash! If the person shows no sign that he or she is trying to get his or her energy level back up but instead is relying on “mine” to keep him or her going I cut loose. It took me

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the dance of emotional attraction a long while to learn how to cut energy drainers loose but now I also teach my clients how to get rid of energy drainers in their lives so that they do not have to depend on my energy because theirs is being sucked out by a friend, relative, lover, or spouse. When it comes to emotional attractiveness, you can make the best bet on the “law of reciprocity” . . .

If a person senses an emotion being sent to him, a very human thing to do is return it. I’ve had clients who come to me wanting to know why they are always attracting people who are not “warm and intimate” and then go ahead and say, “I am really not a feely-touchy person and I have trouble complimenting people.” Happy, deep, and moving emotional experiences stand out positively in the other person’s mind; painful, shallow, and dull emotional experiences stand out negatively in the other person’s mind. In general, the more positive and less negative the emotional experience, the more they’ll like us. A positive experience here includes sharing moments of fear, grief, sadness, or pain. A positive emotional experience also goes far beyond “sharing” how each feels. The important function of the art of seduction is to transfer your “good feelings” to the other by touching their emotions and senses . . .

In the stages of initial contact, your emotional attractiveness is judged by your ability to hold a man or woman’s imagination long enough for him or her to experience (get a taste of) your enthusiasm, passion, and energy. The mistake most single people make is to waste time explaining to a man or woman that they are right for him or her, that they are better than the next loser, and all that other explaining claptrap. Rather than explaining, it is much better to allow the person to feel for him or herself and later on, on their own, to recall the warmth and security they experienced. This is more likely to be with good feelings about the future.

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the dance of emotional attraction So, the obvious question must be: How the heck do you work with something as high speed and fickle as the imagination? The imagination is a responsive device that does not act on its own accord but rather reacts to what is presented to it. You’ve probably heard that it’s always best to “leave something to the imagination.” There is some sense in this in as far as titillating and perhaps, where some extra enticement is involved, but this is not usually the best thing to do especially when the little that is revealed, said, shown, or exposed, does nothing to the imagination except to trigger the question “why?” The other person should not have to guess about anything. Most people are unable to accurately read another person’s body language, let alone their minds. Take nothing for granted. Whatever is shown or exposed should be clear and suggestive enough to trigger the right emotions and evoke the right response—a knowing look, an inviting comment, a suggestive or provocative gesture that the other person can’t help but see and notice. Your job is to create an “emotional snapshot” that allows the other person to put him or herself at the center of the picture . . .

If they can’t grab onto the emotional image (what is in it for them, emotionally), they will not be emotionally moved. An emotional snapshot is an internalized emotional picture of how great a person will feel, in this case, how deeply and profoundly a man or woman will feel when they’re with you. If you can show that you can provide a deeply satisfying experience of affection and connectedness you will cause their own imagination to do the seduction on your behalf. Such snapshots do not require an explicit visual presentation or complete sentences or explanations, and they do not necessarily have to suggest sex unless of course that is what you are after. While the judgment of how one dresses and presents general physical appearance inevitably includes subjective opinion and contextual issues, some women are desperate to sexually appeal to men, and the rest follow like sheep, scared to act differently or be seen as unfashionable. We can’t ignore the fact that something that is obviously packaged to appear visually erotic arouses sexual feelings associated with that object or person.

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the dance of emotional attraction Commercial advertisers know it. Even the men and women in the sex trade industry know it. It’s just a fact of life. If you do not want to be seen merely as a “sex object,” then make sure there is more “accent” in the way you dress that sends a strong message about you and how you want to be perceived and treated. The next question, of course, is: What, specifically, should a man or woman do to effectively stimulate and hold the imagination so that it triggers appropriate emotions in a man or woman? For seduction to be meaningful and pleasurable, what is exposed or revealed to the other person should lead to an expectation of enjoyment, excitement, arousal, nurturance, or some reward related to personal expansion that the other person believes with great certainty he or she will get from engaging you. If your efforts fail to accomplish this, the other person will still imagine and create an “emotional snapshot”—like one of sizzling roast ribs on an oven rack—something else that takes him or her further away from the possibility of connecting with and being tuned to you. Effectively stimulating and holding the imagination is an art that requires skill and practice to pull it off. Engage the emotions and the intellect in extraordinary and equal measures . . .

Everything we experience causes us to experience an emotion to some degree. Your words, actions, and behaviours therefore have to add something more to the experience for it to evoke intense emotions. If your words, actions, and behaviours can actually elicit complex combinations of emotions and thoughts and the other person can experience the emotions in “real time” or undergo an emotional change associated with an emotion, then the other person will associate the intense emotion with you. The more emotionally involving the experience, the more likely it is to change the other person’s emotional state and so increase the level of attraction they feel towards you; and the stronger the emotion, the stronger the attraction.

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the dance of emotional attraction

Strong emotions also create strong memories. Emotions that capture a mood or feeling that is subtly creative, interesting, and challenging help keep that experience alive in memory, and help both of you revive or relive the pleasantness and wonder of the experience whenever you want to. To make the most of it, engage as many of the person’s senses as you can. If one sense is prompting the person to “feel” one emotion while another sense is prompting another emotion altogether, the person will become confused and immediately begin to “drift” or disconnect altogether. Intensify the emotions once they’ve been created . . .

One of the most important things you can do to make someone feel attracted to you is to make them feel special. Uniqueness and exclusivity is something that we all secretly long for. Our hearts and souls are finely tuned to seek out a man or woman who treats us as if we are the centre of their universe. There’s nothing that is a bigger turnoff for both men and women than being seen as every other single guy or woman out there. When you make someone feel special, they in return will feel you are also special. This is not about seeking her or his approval but rather a contractual exclusivity played consciously and knowingly by both partners. Look at it this way—you’re the owner of a luxurious brand who wants to confer an image of superior quality to a buyer. You are not going to achieve this by using “first come first serve,” “open house,” or “one size fits all” methods. You must create a sense of “exclusivity” in some way. The other person must somehow feel that he or she has “arrived.” A sensuous seducer takes “exclusivity” one step further. He or she doesn’t stop at the “by invitation only” phase, but instead creates an entire lifestyle. Like “members only” offerings, sensuous seducers live up to their promise. Because human relations, including sexual relations, have a different nature and meaning to sensuous people, they have the extraordinary ability to tap into the deepest and sometimes most forbidden desires, fantasies, and passions of their dates, lovers, and spouses, challenging them to become more of themselves and do more than they’d dared to do before.

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Let the other person feel you went to some effort just to be with him or her . . .

Stay focused and be present with him or her at all times. Staying focused and present does not mean trying to respond to the person’s every expectation (including our own unrealistic ones), or trying to anticipate, judge, and analyze the other person’s every word or action. Instead, being present and focused is being open and alert in your interaction which has just one goal—to focus undivided attention on the other person and to make her or him feel exclusive. Everything else you will do or say will come from this connection you make by focusing and paying attention on him or her. When this connection is lost, the power of seduction is lost—the interaction degenerates to a lot of “trying this” or “trying that” to see what will fly, and in most cases, lots of uncomfortable silences in-between. Creating exclusiveness requires a wise and intelligent awareness about what you are doing—a knowing look or adoring sparkle in your eyes, not dumb adoration, but total focus, total attention to what he or she is saying, sensitivity to and awareness of his or her needs. Let him or her feel you’re “worth” the time . . .

Exclusivity, in and of itself, brings very little reward if the other person doesn’t feel the time spent is “worth it.” Almost every emotionally healthy man or woman is wired to seek experiences that involve messing about—trying different approaches and new things that create engaging, fun, and meaningful interactions, and that make them feel good about themselves. Step into the situation with a calm relaxed playful liveliness and exuberance and in every moment be ready to take the unknown and the difficult, and make it into something familiar, friendly, and rewarding, without placing limits or restrictions on it. This requires you to be very adaptable, flexible, and innovative. You also need to be open and yet focused, sharp and also spontaneous, something that might be a little uncomfortable for people who don’t like to make

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the dance of emotional attraction mistakes and prefer structure and predictability and who have a tendency to feel impatient and frustrated. Resist the urge to rush . . .

One way to make emotions more powerful and more “bonding” is to stretch out the moment. A seductive intention must be shown gradually, bit by bit, if you want to effectively stimulate and hold the imagination so that it triggers appropriate emotions in a man or woman. Always keep in mind that the present moment hovers between becoming the past and progressing into the future. Even if you know where you want to go, don’t rush the moment. If you rush through, not only will you cheat yourself of this most delicious part of seduction, but it may be very difficult to recreate the sense of deep connection once you have gone too far. Furthermore, it is impossible to know the intentions or feelings of the other with complete certainty. Rushing things too fast may force him or her to make a premature evaluation of you and your intentions. Most men and women are guarded and watchful of possible physical intrusions by others, listening beyond beguiling words for manipulative intentions, and are adept at sniffing out danger. It is a natural instinct of self-protection that triggers such defensive behaviour. Taking your time to experience each and every moment as new, significant, and necessary allows you to observe how the other is reacting. It is well worth remembering the sensibilities of the senses. They are your best ally. We all have the ability to craft emotionally transcendent experiences that can make our dates, lovers, and spouses feel they are flirting (literally!) with the unpredictable and the unknown in a most intense, agreeable, pleasing, charming, endearing, enticing, enlivening, and reality altering way. Who wouldn’t want to spend eternity with someone like that?

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THE “SEXTH” SENSE—YOU CAN’T FAKE IT Our level of confidence in our sexual beingness influences everything we think, feel, say, or do, and affects everything and everyone who comes in contact with us. It influences the way we stand, how we walk on the street, how we talk to customer service people, how we respond to stress, and how we go about our everyday lives.

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hen they enter a room, heads turn, and everyone wants to know who they are. They look at us and we feel very special. They make a public announcement and we feel as though they are addressing us personally. They speak words of inspiration and we feel something within us being understood, restored, or healed. Their intangible felt presence is so strong that we instantly feel connected to them even when we hardly know them. When you see someone with this kind of force radiating from them like a magnetic field, you are observing personal charisma in action. Charisma, or the “It” factor, is a term used today to describe an enthralling, spellbinding, immeasurable, engaging, and elusive quality that distinguishes those who have “it” from everyone else. The people with this unique quality seem to have an inexplicable ability to move us deeply—physically, emotionally, and intellectually. Something from them seems to flow to us. After a few minutes of meeting with them, we will have experienced many internal shifts, emotions, and inspirations, all at the same time. Are some people born with personal charisma? Can personal charisma be created? Can it be taught and can it be learned?

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it Some people are born with a commanding physical presence (extraordinary height, extremely good looks or physique), while others seem to be born with the natural ability to inspire us with words and actions and to raise our awareness above the mundane. A majority of charismatic people however are those capable of having profound and extraordinary effects on others by the force of their developed personal abilities, or access to sources of power and influence regardless of their actual personal abilities. A central tenet of personal charisma is self-confidence, and like any function of self-confidence, anyone can learn it—or fake it. We may not be able to learn or fake charisma per se, but we can imitate particular behaviours that establish a sense of ease, confidence, and self-assurance. Basic things like having a great smile, being attentive to others during conversations, displaying an impressive vocabulary and lavish speaking style, selfmotivation and self-awareness, emotional sensitivity, sense of humour, and even wardrobe, all add to personal charisma. Other things like a relaxed and aware body language, self-synchrony or integrating our facial expressions, posture and gestures with our speech—things that make us believable—can also increase our personal charismatic appeal. In some indigenous cultures, individuals are encouraged to mirror the “spirit” of those who particularly impress them as being charismatic and as having presence, as well as mirroring the “spirit” of various domestic and wild animals—the inner strength of the lion, the fire of the tiger, the speed of the cheetah, the elegance of the gazelle, the alertness of the deer, the loyalty of a dog, the resilience of a cat, the concentration of the snake, etc. This is meant to introduce the individuals to the particular bodily sense and the drives, desires, and instinctual energies that are absent, or present in minimal quantities in the human world but abundant in the animal world. In the world of sexual attraction, does personal charisma really matter? Well, yes and no . . .

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it someone with the ability to persuade, influence, and change the preferences, needs, values, and aspirations of others—a man or woman who likes to take risks, is extremely dynamic, aggressive, and is endowed with a strong will and efficiency. We would want someone who is “dominant” and can voice his or her ideas more powerfully and with more enduring conviction than others. We would also want someone with a drive to survive in a cutthroat world and go for the “kill” without reservation or remorse. And of course, we would want a high achiever with the ability to “get the job done” quickly and professionally. But would we be sexually attracted to this person? Not necessarily. We might want to “fall in love” or “sleep” with his or her good looks, talent, personality, success, power, social status, money, or influence as long as he or she has it, but stripped of these, that person may not be as magnetic as initially imagined. This is to say, while personal charisma has some of the qualities found in sexually magnetic men and women, and while it helps a lot to have some dose of personal charisma, all the personal charisma in the world falls flat if you do not have that earthy (dare I say, primitive) irresistible magnetism that drives sexual attraction. Research suggests that rather than being drawn to people who demonstrate pure personal charisma, both men and women instinctually prefer (and they test it to the limit) those who are tender by nature, spontaneous, creative, unpredictable, imaginative, exploratory, erotically-alive (radiating a kind of sensitivity that is linked irrevocably to unabashed sexual openness and responsiveness, intensity and healthy desires). Indeed, both men and women will take a pass on personal charisma if it means getting a partner who lacks nurturance, sensitivity, and sexual expressiveness. For this you need a lot more than personal charisma and the simplistic notions of powerful words, good ideas, looks, body language, brains, breeding, or money. You need to be able to make a man or woman’s libido sit up and howl—loudly. You need that unmistakable aesthetic swish and swagger that advertises sexual beingness without needing to undress or act out sexually . . . © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it

Sexual charisma or sexual confidence is a level of psycho-sexual development where we feel sexually desirous and desirable in and of ourselves without the desire for anything else outside of ourselves. It could be thought of as a sort of higher level of self-esteem. It is saying, “I like the sexual being I am and I know you will like me too.” Sexual charisma is also the blueprint for how we interact with the opposite sex, who we are attracted to, what we will try and who or what we will avoid. In everyday life, sexual charisma manifests itself in the way we stand, how we walk on the street, how we talk to others, how we respond to stress, and how we go about everyday things. But more importantly, sexual charisma manifests itself in our ability to reconcile our sexual drives and desires with our means, coordinate our thoughts, sentiments, desires, urges, fantasies, and verbal and non-verbal expressions, as well as our ability to operate our sexual lives in a responsible manner. When you have high confidence in yourself as a sexual male or sexual female, you embody a self-assured, relaxed sensuous state and are more able to focus, express, and use your in-born God-given raw sexual energy. The power of our sexual energy is probably the best kept secret of all times . . .

Until fairly recently, sexual energy was something most of us in the Western world thought of as “sinful.” A dangerous and potentially destructive “drive” that dragged down men and women to act, often against their better judgement, but which could be redeemed by intellectual rationality. The account of the “evilness of desires” mostly dates back to the puritanical Victorian era, but the anxiety generated remains deeply embedded in the way we relate sexually. Many western cultures and even so called “new” schools of thought still refer to the sexual state as a ”lower” or “primitive” state. Most of us still keep sexual desires and their expression under the lock and key of a strict series of technical calculations susceptible to the same kinds of rule-like mathematical formulae as the rest of rational thought. You know what I

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it am talking about—touch the ear and keeping rubbing for four minutes; kiss the neck for two minutes; next run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes; … good, move to the left and start stroking thighs; lift leg exactly 90 degrees; count up to fourteen; now, turn her on her back and get down to business—that kind of cold mechanical nonsense that gives the impression that sex is a mathematical equation and we are scheming human calculators. Nothing is spontaneous and fun anymore. It’s all functional. We are still fearful of real intimacy, and distrustful and suspicious of our sexual nature. As a result we still struggle with the tension between the expression of our contradictory yearnings and the constraints of the social world. One of the manifestations of this tension is our inability to express our sexual beingness in a way that is healthy, revitalizing, and deeply fascinating. Fortunately for our generation, this subconsciously accepted, as well as taken for granted account of human sexuality is losing its accepted validity and coherence. Many of us are beginning to understand and appreciate human sexuality as something that concerns transcendent consciousness, personal values, sensations, thoughts, emotions, the inner workings of the body, how a person feels about him or herself as well as his or her sexual behaviour, who they are attracted to, and how they choose to express, channel, and focus their innate and raw sexual energy. But what exactly is this mystified and enchanted characteristic of human potential that drives sexual charisma?

Sexual energy is a self-regulating primal force that flows, sings, and dances throughout our beings—arms, legs, hips, chest, breasts, eyes—a regenerating energy that extends to all outer and inner organs of the body’s systems and permeates each little bit of the body and soul and makes us quiver with sensation and anticipation. It is a profound source of joy and pleasure that is nurturing, healing, and enlivening. It is also the centre of being from which we reach out, expand, and relate to others. In this state of “aliveness,” everything and everyone is fascinating; nothing is experienced as ordinary, tedious, routine, colourless, or separate.

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it

It is the one energy that is present in all living beings. Men and women with a manifest abundance of this elemental and enlivening force have particular characteristics of excitement, selflessness, and emotional intensity that go beyond ordinary consciousnesses. It is precisely this capacity to become genuinely involved—not as they ought to be, nor as they wish they were, but as they really are—that adds to their appealing air of magnetized charisma. Your body can generate and activate sexual energy at will, as well as subconsciously . . .

Sexual energy makes the human body desirable. “Body” in this context refers to mind/emotions/spirit since this is where our thoughts, feelings, intuition, inspiration, awareness are “housed.” It awakens all of our senses, feeds the creative self, sharpens the mind, releases the emotions, connects us to the spiritual, and “supercharges” the physical body adding significant value to the abilities, skills, and strengths that we already manifest in our lives. Our bodies also act as a node and conduit for the flow of sexual energy to others, inspiring sensations of electrifying vitality. People who are glamorized as sex symbols are a good example of how the body works as a conduit for sexual energy. Somehow the “sexiest man/woman alive” image we bestow on these people gives them the permit (and public license) to generate sexual energy at will as well as consciously. This in turn increases their sexual magnetism which in turn makes them even more attractive and “sexy.” What this means is that when we are highly sensitive, open, and receptive to the movement or flow of sexual energy in our bodies, we can easily create vibrations that make us attractive to others. It also means that even a body that is not considered beautiful by “modern” societal standards— stretch marks, lots of cellulite, wrinkles, crinkles, and every other real or imagined body flaw—can become the most attractive body simply by charging itself with sexual energy. If you want to test this theory, tell someone you know that he or she is “very sexy” and watch how they

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it suddenly become “alive,” as if someone has plugged them into a socket. Of course, this will not work on someone who thinks “sexy” or the sexual in general is something sinful or evil. And also, if their self-esteem is extremely low, not even “you’re very sexy” will help. Sensitivity, openness, and receptivity to sexual energy should not be confused with how often we want to “do sex” (once a day, twice a week, thrice a year, or whatever), or our style of “doing sex” (Kama Sutra, tantra, yoga, missionary, doggy, scissor, etc.). I am not talking about sex specifically, but rather the way our bodies understand and interpret our sexual thoughts, actions, and experiences. This is about having a heightened awareness of the interior space of the body, being able to feel sexual energy moving there and being able to “transfer” that energy to others. We’re generating sexual energy all the time and all of us can feel when our sexual energy is activated, but how conscious are we of what’s going on?

When we feel a strong sexual attraction to someone we often go through a whole range of feelings, from awkwardness to stammering, pounding heart to accelerated breathing, butterflies in the stomach to dizziness, flushing to sweating palms, trembling to weak knees, fear of losing control to feelings of going crazy, excitement to pure ecstasy, and so forth. When you go through this confusing and destabilizing “temporal madness” you are experiencing the activation of your sexual energy. This enthrallment is both physical and emotional at the same time. Particular physical, intellectual, or emotional aspects of that man or woman inspired a deep primal reaction and generated a sort of “buzz” of energy inside of you. What “moves” you and causes the whole range of reactions is not the physiological, intellectual, or emotional attributes, or even an isolated expression, specific look, gesture, style, or technique of “doing.” What “moves” you is the primal sexual energy carried as a rhythm by the person and brought into being by a particular part of the body, personal gesture, way of walking or expression. Sexual transference is something most of us mistake for “love” exactly because the intense feeling of a particular person can satisfy our mental, © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it emotional, physical, sexual, social, and spiritual needs, making us want them more. Dress, body type, personal gestures, and forms of expression may vary from individual to individual and from culture to culture due to differences in family structure, biological makeup, and the limits and directions imposed by social structure and environment, but “primal energy” is the same for all people. Sexual energy communicates to itself, seeks itself, desires itself, and is attracted to itself . . .

Many indigenous traditions claim that sexual energy seeks out sexual energy and is attracted to itself. Say that a man casts a desiring expression towards a particular woman, the man’s sexual desire communicates that it desires the woman’s desire. If the man’s erotic desire is strong enough (selfless and good in intention) it hits the woman like a bomb. She gets that unconscious feeling of a “secret being shared” and is in turn sexually charged. Although the woman’s conscious mind may interpret this as physiological attraction (or attraction to his appearance or dress), the reality is that she’s attracted to how she resonates with his primal sexual energy. The people we connect with in a primal way are the people we are attracted to. It would be great if all we needed to do was point our sexual energy towards someone and boom! But that is not how it works. The person must also have his or her sexual energy activated towards us for sexual attraction to be mutual. Sexual energy generalizes itself by sexualizing everything in the energy field of the sexually charged individual (s) . . .

What is even more fascinating about sexual energy is that it is not just our person (and object of attraction) that is enveloped in this energy, our immediate environment or energy field is equally charged. The overpowering force of this energy makes the sunset look more beautiful, food taste better, roses smell sweeter, people appear friendlier, the moment more

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it significant, and life worth living. Sometimes sexual energy between two people is so strong that you can literally smell or touch it. If there is a strong enough energy generated, other people who find themselves in the magnetic field of such people find their own energy activated so that people who may not have been previously attracted to each other start seeing each other in a “different” way. Maybe that is why when we take a friend along on a double date, he or she also ends up “in love.” Still, it is important to remember that “attraction” at this level may not last unless there are other stable aspects needed for a lasting bond—emotional and intellectual attraction. The ability to generate sexual energy at will is a skill in its own right . . .

While some people are skilled at generating their sexual energy at will and in healthy levels, some others consciously or subconsciously generate so much energy that they struggle with extreme sexual reactions to unusual (and any) stimuli. Some of my clients have confessed to being “turned on” by observing bacteria dividing under a microscope, looking at the map of the world, taking a difficult school exam, or even hearing “bad news.” These reactions are not harmful in themselves except for the embarrassment they cause for the people who have to “hide” them. For many people, this struggle can be resolved by identifying and working through the unconscious “issues” made manifest by these “unusual” reactions. A majority of men and women generate so little sexual energy that they are sexually unconfident and insecure. They walk around angry, frustrated, and restricted in those parts of the body they associate with the sexual and/or sex. Walking rigidly and inflexibly is not a good place to start learning the art of seduction. It slows you down and actually makes you less desirable. When you constantly restrict and frustrate the free flow of sexual energy (through feelings of anxiety, shame, or anger), your sexual energy can become sublimated into problems associated with low self-esteem— depression, anxiety, sexual timidity, low sexual drive, decreased arousal,

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it erection problems, pre-ejaculation, lubrication problems, failure to achieve orgasms, and the inability to experience a sexual transcendent state or sexual ecstasy. Frustration of this energy also manifests itself in overcompensating ways, like always talking about sex in a very graphic “detached” manner, being sexually promiscuous, reckless, sexually aggressive and violent. Self-awareness—being grounded and using discernment—will usually provide all the sexual energy you need . . .

Some ancient traditions and schools of thought believe that sexual energy must be conserved (recycled and stored until needed). African traditions on the other hand (see appendix), believe that sexual energy should be allowed to flow freely and it’s abundance consciously and artfully used to achieve spiritual enlightenment, create and celebrate life, increase integrity, clarity and unity (feeling of oneness), as well as spread contagious ecstasy. Many African rites and rituals are based on this profound and very cautiously guarded, knowledge and awareness. These rites and rituals are part of a discipline that teaches individuals the refined art of moving sexual energy in, up, down, around, and out of the body, thereby increasing sexual charisma. So while you may not have much control over the kind of body, nose, lips, eye colour, or height handed down to you by genetics, you can learn to charge your body with sexual energy and achieve the same or even higher level of sexual appeal as those who got it, figuratively and literally, from the genes. You’ll find that you are less worried about a “perfect” body or “sexy” clothes because your sexual energy will and can energize not just your body (stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles and all), but your whole being, expression, and environment, and anyone who comes in contact with you. One of the ways you can learn how to circulate your sexual energy throughout your whole body is to connect with your hara. Your hara or “centre of life” is about 2 to 4 inches below your belly button, from the centre out to the sides. This area is known as the “centre of life” because it is through our parents’ pelvis that we come into life and through our own pelvis that life comes through us. When you feel sexual attraction or de© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the “sexth” sense—you can’t fake it sire for someone, chances are you will have sensations in this area. And when you have “gut” feelings, chances are your “centre of life” is trying to communicate to and with you. But obviously you will not access your gut’s wisdom if you believe it has nothing to tell you, or if you believe only your brain has intelligence. When you focus your attention on this point and regulate your sexual energy throughout your whole body by “loosening” this area (also see Chapter 8), you not only become more centered, grounded, and solid, you also become more flexible in mind and body, more relaxed, sexually ecstatic, and sexually magnetic. This is your true sexual energy in its flavour, texture, and power! Being able to generate your sexual energy at will and using it in a focused manner can sometimes stir you out of a depressed, lacklustre, exhausted, and tired state. And even if the energy generated is temporary, it can, as it sometimes does, lead you to excitement and industriousness in other good areas totally unrelated to the opposite sex, or sex for that matter.

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REPROGRAMMING YOUR SEXUAL CODE We joke about it, pretend not to care about it, and we lie about it. The way we seek to have sexual contact, how often we seek it, whether we seek it at all, who we seek it from, and how we approach, seduce, and relate with the opposite sex says a lot about who we are and how we see ourselves sexually.

M

uch of our sexual attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours as grown-ups are shaped by how we were raised and what we were programmed with as children. The first experiences of our early childhood lives are our strongest and most nostalgic memories of physical and emotional intimacy; every look we were given, every word we were told, every touch we received, and every reaction we felt about our sexuality is remembered in our subconscious minds and in our bodies. These early experiences become the quality and rhythm of desire and sexual expression that stays with us throughout our lives or until we make a conscious effort to change what we believe and how we react. Many of us were born into families where parents assumed we are born with no concept of sex or sexuality. Our parents found it hard to admit then that even as children we were sexual and experienced sexual feelings. They were alarmed when we showed sexual tendencies. Some of them labelled these sexual behaviours forms of self-abuse or “bad habits’ that had to be broken. We were yelled at and our hands slapped. Sometimes we even had to follow strict sleeping regimens often referred to as “the nice way to go to sleep.” We were not allowed to go to sleep naked, lie together in bed, or be in bed too long before falling asleep. But as sexual beings, we were unable to completely deny our need for sexual experimentation and sexual pleasure. Even though we quickly learned to suppress our sensual curiosity, deny sexual urges and expression, most of

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reprogramming your sexual code us acted out our sexual behaviours or thought about it anyway—but we also felt guilty about it. We also took on our parents’ sexual fears, anxieties, and moralizing as our own ideas of sexuality. Some of us were not only discouraged from being sexual, we were never taught about our sexuality . . .

Even when we were taught about sex, the “birds and bees” anatomy format did not permit for sexual inquiry and exploration because adults subconsciously censored sexual vocabularies and reproduced them in disfigured clinical terms. The importance of kinetic manifestation or bodily sensations was diminished, undervalued, perhaps not even taught. We learned that we shouldn’t engage in certain sexual behaviours, a few of us knew why, but a majority did not know what to do with the sensations we experienced in our bodies moment to moment. We were too young to understand what was happening and had not fully developed the ability to reflect, analyze, and figure things out consciously or process the impact of sexual and erotic transference, and so buried everything in our subconscious minds and our bodies. Although we consciously forgot what happened, we’re constantly haunted by feelings of a sense of inner emptiness, of something missing or lost, a feeling of shame or guilt, anxiety, or inadequacy. This way of being sexual, practiced from childhood, became part of our nature and settled into habits of gesture, voice, and thoughts that block primal energy from flowing into all parts of the body. We are not just physically but also sexually clumsy, because we do not know we have access to the natural way of being sexual in the body. Instead of allowing sexual energy to freely flow through the whole body, we draw it up and out of the body and restrict and confine it through reason and rational thinking. The body which is innately sensate, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain, and close to the primal forces of nature, becomes the servant of rational reasoning to the point where it begins to shrivel and die. Even our language and voice reflect this disconnection— dry, shallow, empty, and held back.

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reprogramming your sexual code How you know you are sexually repressed . . .

Sexuality for you is more of an issue about politics and economics, legal rights and reproductive freedoms. Your approach to sexuality is of a purely cognitive construct within a purely linguistic domain. You communicate your feelings and sensations by manipulating words and letters, and use words in place of touch, gesture, or emotion, and always have a problem understanding the emotional and sexual experience of others. Your whole life is constructed in such away that your sexual nature, desires, and urges are separate from other parts of your life. You see yourself as a professional, business person, a politician, an activist, a teacher, a doctor, a parent, etc., but not as a sexual professional, sexual politician, sexual doctor, or even a sexual parent. You construct strict walls between other parts of your life (what you do) and your sexual nature (who you are), by placing them on parallel, non-intersecting tracks—in your thinking, one has little to do with the other. You may be physically “attractive” in the social sense of the word, but you still find yourself avoiding social contacts that are likely to lead to intimacy. You are “okay” being with others as long as you are able to keep them at a distance, but as soon as things begin to feel intimate at all, you either cut off further contact or at least discourage it. And sex—that is just another routine bonk to keep you in cycle or to keep your spouse happy enough to stay in the relationship. Yet the more you separate your sexualized being from other parts of your life, the more unsatisfying your relationships are and the more meaningless your life. How you know you are sexually immature . . .

You treat your sexual thoughts, urges, and desires merely as a biological constructs or as a form of recreation, lifestyle, or sexual identity. You confuse everything with sex and engage in casual sex as an immature flight from emotional intimacy. You have this overwhelming need to express an over-sexualized false image or to engage in compulsive, frequent, and meaningless searches for sexual pleasure in order to appear “sexually dominant” or “sexually desirable.” You try to hide your fear of the opposite sex by demonstrating your power and control over helpless individuals. In the struggle to master your own sexual anxieties, you may feel the

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reprogramming your sexual code need to exhibit parts of the body you associate with sexuality—grabbing the crotch, flashing your breasts, exposing your buttocks, etc.—while revelling in the “shocked” response of your audience. And when your sexual needs are not met, you react with the emotional tendencies you learned in childhood—sulking, withdrawal, manipulation, nagging, neediness, clinginess, etc. You also revert, frequently, to well-rehearsed one-person sexual activities where you feel confident and competent. How you know you are sexually dysfunctional . . .

You struggle with sexual thoughts and desires and pretend that, at best, sexual desire does not exist or that all attention to sexuality is debasing and unwanted. You experience anxiety and even panic at the thought of any sexual interaction because the “sexual” makes you feel like you are on “dangerous” ground. Even when free from conflicting values and commitments, you may very well be afraid of getting yourself in potentially sexually intimate situations. You hesitate because your sexual beliefs and hang-ups from your childhood conflict with the erotic energy locked inside. You’ve never allowed or been able to let your erotic energy flow and take possession of your sexuality in a way that it is revitalizing, uplifting, and spiritually elevating. You may enjoy and find pleasure in certain sexual activities like hugging, touching, and kissing but experience feelings of terror, disgust, or revulsion when it comes to specific kinds of activities, such as sexual intercourse or contact with genitals. You also feel the need to hide these “dirty sexual” parts of your body. And when you try to break out of your neurotic fear of the erotic, consciously or subconsciously, you do so anxiously, irresponsibly or by obsessing about it. Your sexual thoughts are often out-of-control and your sexual behaviour is more compulsive than thought through. You rely on sex for comfort from pain, as an escape from boredom, for relief from stress, anxiety, and to hide the inner pain. You engage in sex out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control, revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. Understanding your sexual behaviour can change your life completely . ..

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reprogramming your sexual code Overturning your deeply-rooted patterns of thought and behaviour involves more than simply seeing the “light” and moving forward in a blissful state of enlightened liberation. It requires a lot of self-reflection, willingness to look at yourself as you are (simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, fears of inadequacy and rejection), and the courage to change the things you need to change before you can become the mysterious and powerful, engaging, and magnetic sexual being who can truly be free to live life to the fullest. What you experience during these new openings, expansions, and moments of self-discovery is almost certain to surprise you. Recognize and accept that everyone is sexual . . .

After working with hundreds of singles over the years, I know first-hand that many people worry that if they overcome their inhibitions, they will go “wild.” They worry that if they get comfortable with the sexual they will become promiscuous. Because we were brought up to think of the sexual and sexual energy as something dangerous that can interfere with our striving towards pure logic and reason—the proper conduct of the “good” soul, so we’ve been told—we think that if we give permission to the non-rational, deeper aspects of life, we’ll become overwhelmed. Sexuality is part of being human, a natural, normal, and very powerful part of life. From the time we are born to the time we die, we are sexual beings with sexual bodies whether or not we are engaged in sexual activities or behaviour. Recognizing that everyone is sexual is part of recognizing their humanity. I don’t mean that we’re supposed to look at everyone and start imagining them engaged in sexual behaviour, nor am I suggesting that we go around shagging anywhere, anytime, with anyone we choose. This is about recognizing the right to the sexual life of each human being, and the right to love and be loved in return. The important first step is to embrace your sexuality as a wondrous driving force in your life. Stop lying about sex . . . © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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reprogramming your sexual code

It has long been known that men are prone to lie about the number of their sexual conquests and women to under-represent their degree of sexual experience and to lie about orgasmic experiences. But very few of us are aware that when we lie about sex and our sexual nature, we’re actually deluding ourselves. We project this delusion on who we attract and how we select sexual partners. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking we have incredible sexual chemistry with someone when in fact, deep inside, we are wondering “What do I see in him or her?” and vice versa, “What does he or she see in me?” Sometimes we create a super sexy image of ourselves through pure exhibitionism, only for the sexual exhibition to transform into condescending aloofness when we retire in the darkness of our sexual insecurities. In most cases, our self-esteem is badly damaged when we are rejected on grounds that we’re not “all that!” Other times we deceive ourselves that we’re looking for a loving and caring partner with whom we’ll have great sex with, when in fact we’re looking for someone we hope will love and care for us. We trick ourselves into meaningless sex when we lie about who we are and who our partners are. Lying to yourself keeps you from facing the truth and very often you become the victim of your own lies. If you have conflicted beliefs and emotions about sex, then you need to get to the bottom of it, deal with that and resolve it. If you are insecure about sexual skills then you need to take the initiative to learn and develop the emotional and social skills you need to be able to share your real self with your sexual partner in a way that is meaningful and pleasurable. Challenge your sexual beliefs . . .

You’ve probably heard it a zillion times before—your beliefs create your reality. Your beliefs are both a perceptual filter through which you experience life, and an action filter that determines how you create your life. Some of your beliefs you are fully aware of, some you are not. Your subconscious has chosen to keep some of your beliefs “hidden” from your consciousness. Waking up to your “hidden” beliefs can be something of a

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reprogramming your sexual code revelation. With hindsight you will probably be able to see how these beliefs have had a huge impact in your life. You might even be left wondering why you didn’t make the connection before! You can begin your voyage of uncovering your beliefs by examining some of the beliefs you have and are already consciously aware about sexuality, sex, and the erotic. Hopefully this exercise will lead you to uncover some of your “hidden” beliefs. 1. Start by listing some of the beliefs about sexuality, sex, and the erotic you are already consciously aware of. Here are a few examples to get you started: ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾

Sex is a dangerous, destructive, and negative force. Sex must only ever occur at the instigation of the man. Any woman who initiates sex is a slut. Women are offended by men who act sexual towards them. Men who love sex are players. Sex is unimportant. Sex is boring. Masturbation is dirty and harmful. It is wrong to have sexual fantasies. Seduction is always selfish.

Feel free expand on these as you like. Be sure to make statements rather than questions. Word your statements to avoid negatives—“not,” “isn’t” “don’t,” and so on. 2. Once you’ve exhausted everything, begin testing these beliefs by asking questions: Where or from whom did I get this idea, thought, or belief? What affect does this belief have on my life? Is this belief valid in my life today? Does this belief support or limit me? Is this belief still proven valid by the truth as I know it? Do I have all the information I need to justify applying this belief to every similar situation, event, person, or relationship? Could I change my attitudes, thoughts, or beliefs if necessary? As you go through the exercise, think about what it says about who you are. Be gentle and free of judgment as you explore your inner world. Keep © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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reprogramming your sexual code in mind that no attitudes, beliefs, dreams, fantasies, desires, urges, fears, anxieties, experiences, and hang-ups are stupid, bad, or even wrong. They served a healthy purpose at some point in your life but old attitudes, beliefs, dreams, etc., can become a mismatch as you change, grow, and accumulate experiences. Develop your own individual sexual style . . .

You need to drop all those expectations about how it’s supposed to be like. Nothing about human sexuality should be taken for granted. We each have our own individual ways of expressing ourselves as sexual beings. We each choose whether or not to be actively sexual, in what ways, how often, and with whom. Your sexual being is a unique, powerful, and individualized expression of you. Getting rid of those expectations about how it’s supposed to be like may require you to stand apart from almost everything you’ve ever been taught about sex and everything you’ve heard or read about sex. This includes the recipe-like sex-manuals and their calculated routines. Sex is best when it is in its most natural form, when it contains the whole sense of awe, wonder, surprise, reverence, magic, and mystery of life and the infinite world. The emotions that go with sex don’t exist in a fixed scientific equation but are created in relation to whatever is going on inside of the two persons at a given moment. One time you feel a certain way and want to do it that way, another time it’s different. You don’t start sex by saying this time I want to do it like this or like that. It is best to just open yourself up and let it happen to you naturally. Allow yourself to connect with who you really are, concentrating on the interconnectedness between the outward expression of your sexual nature, assessment of self, your identification with self, and your value or worth of self. If you don’t feel good about yourself you’ll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Balancing sexual energy, sexual lust, desire, and attraction requires disciplined effort, especially at the beginning. Work on developing spontaneity in your emotional manifestations by taking actions in each moment that

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reprogramming your sexual code are driven by your inner awareness. Let go off contriving, scheming, pretence, and living in self-distrust. Become more conscious of your sexual dreams, fantasies, and thoughts . . .

Somewhere in each of us is an erotic yearning for the free expression of our sexual nature, but our self-judgment and self-rejection—shame, fear of abandonment, repression, punitive and regressive ideas about human sexuality, etc.—keeps us from acquiring the skills we require for selfrevelation and self-acceptance. And because we are afraid to include our sexual desires, dreams, and fantasies into our actual lives, we may find our erotic yearning sublimated into worlds of fantasy such as pornography. Your sexual thoughts, erotic dreams, and waking sexual fantasies and daydreams all have a lot to teach you about your sexual nature, your desires, fears, and anxieties. In particular, they can reveal your deep feelings, repressions, guilty feelings, or unexpressed fears about sex. By paying attention to your sexual dreams, fantasies, behaviours, and thoughts, you can learn about yourself and perhaps discover ways to make your sex life more fulfilling. Enhance your spiritual awareness . . .

There is a deep connection between your longing for sexual quintessence and spiritual awareness. The struggle for sexual embodiment is also an expression of the journey towards spiritual enlightenment and maturity. No matter how religious, learned, intelligent, clever, knowledgeable, or perceptive you are, if sex and spirit are separated, one will be perverted and the other distorted.

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SEXING THE BODY Your body is like a full-figure motion billboard advertising hidden messages about you that sometimes even you don’t know you are broadcasting—and wherever you go, your body goes too.

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exy is what we all want. But what does it mean to be sexy or to have a sexy body?

Some people say sexy is in intelligence and good sense of humor. Others say it is about a willingness to share emotions and thoughts, sensitivity and dependability. A good number say sexy is all in the eyes. Some men say it is in the size of the breasts, while some women say it’s in the tightness of the butt and size of the genitalia. There are those who say sexy is all about the clothes, while others say they’ll pass on sexy underwear, high heels, and nylon for freshness, excitement, and a sense of “danger” anytime. On the other hand, many courtship and mating studies say a sexy body has everything to do with geometry—the ratio of leg to torso, of waist to hip, of the right and left sides of the face, and so forth. But if you don’t have the “right” ratios, the big breasts or tight ass, how do you make your body look sexy? Can you even make your body sexy at all? While body ratios, size, and shape contribute to physical attractiveness, they are not the only factors in determining “sexiness,” and they certainly are not the most important ones . . !

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sexing the body they are. But almost everyone, at least some of the time, is dissatisfied with some aspect of how they appear to others, or to themselves in the mirror. And even when you make the effort to stay in shape, eat right, and present yourself in a way that’s appealing, you don’t always feel like your body is sexy. You may be confident and very successful in other areas of your life, but not quite as confident in your “sexiness.” Something always doesn’t seem to fit right. And if you don’t understand what it is, you will be hit, and it will hit hard. How you feel about your body is a reflection of your struggle to define your personal relationship with yourself (who am I?) and with others (who are you and how do we get along?) . . .

The natural desire to “get along” and feel accepted, for all of us, starts from the moment we are born. If you were raised by parents and in a social environment that encouraged you to love your body as well as your feelings, unconditionally, you learned to be in awe of the human body as one of nature’s miracles (rightly so). You also learned to occupy and have a healthy relationship with your body—what it looks like, how it feels, how it functions—and as a result are at home in it. This is where you feel dramatic and full of vitality and bounce, a place where you can find and make a paradise for yourself and for those you love. When you meet a man or woman you are attracted to, you get plumped up like a boisterous rooster, your fullness ruffling every feather because you feel comfortable enough in your body to invite others in. But very few of us are raised like this and despite our career success or business achievements, the body is where we have self-doubt, feel timid, anxious, and insecure. We may have sensed at a very early age that our parents (however much they tried to disguise it), were expecting somebody more “perfect” looking. We were deprived of the emotional and sensory information we needed to distinguish between what is inside and what is outside us. Our natural inclination towards perfection, meant for our inner qualities, is somehow transferred to the perfection of externals. Without this proper inner focus, we’ve come to accept that what defines us is someone or something outside of ourselves. And everywhere we turn, somebody outside of ourselves—peers, teachers, media, advertising—is there to remind us we are not in a state of perfection. The different © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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sexing the body pressures to look a certain way to be popular, important, or visible; to be considered “good enough” to be part of the “right” crowd; or to attract the “perfect” partner—all operating at the same time—are especially severe for those of us in Western societies where there is a sort of requirement for “everybody to look the same” or as near as possible to that, if we are to be “certified” as sexually and socially acceptable. Maybe you’ve tried to replace or modify body parts through plastic surgery, bought “magic solutions” in the form of pre-packaged foods and potions, dressed up the body and trained it to look, walk, sit, and stand in a certain way. This made you feel accepted in society, like you belonged at last, but it did not really make you feel at home in your own body, at least comfortable enough for this feeling to last. Sometimes your self-styled “sexy” image feels like a cheap piece of wallpaper pasted over a gaping hole. It’s true that better looking people stand out from those of us not born with great looks. But study after study shows that sexy people are not any better looking or better dressed than the average looking person. Sexiness goes beyond conventional good looks. How you feel about your body has a direct correlation to the energy you put out to the world. The higher your body energy level, the sexier your body; regardless of whether your body meets society’s standards of sexy or not . . .

Looking tired, boring, uptight, nervous, or just anxious, is a cardinal sin when it comes to body attractiveness—one look and others instinctively resist or react against you and your advances. Imagine yourself standing in a corner at a club, party, or even shopping mall and across the room there are two men or women, one is smiling, laughing, touching affectionately, gesturing animatedly or dancing seductively and the other is standing with his or her arms crossed, looking nervous, exhausted, depressed, jaded, or indifferent, which one would you think was more attractive? Which one would you like to get to know given the chance? Obviously, it’s the one who is exuding a sense open-

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sexing the body ness, cheerfulness, and vitality. Even those of us with low energy levels will prefer and chose a man or woman with a high energy level anytime. And yet many of us walk around trying to project sexual appeal while holding a lot of tension and negative energy in our bodies. What we are not aware of is that this tension and negative energy affects our overall energy level. This effect is clearly visible in our faces (we look lifeless, tense, uneasy, and mostly older than we really are), in our gestures (a series of premeditated and sluggish movements), in our postures (shoulders held slightly higher or lower than is natural), and in how we walk (we pull in the pelvis, tighten the muscles of the buttocks and thighs and move our feet in muscle spasms). It doesn’t look sexy and doesn’t inspire the opposite sex. How did we get to be this way? We learned early in childhood to guard the body by involuntarily holding or tightening parts of the body from unintentionally expressing feelings, emotions, urges, and desires that we considered unacceptable, humiliating, embarrassing, or disturbing. We continued to tighten these parts of the body every time we think of or experience feelings and emotions that cause us to feel guilty, shamed, or embarrassed. Over time, we condensed the fluid, mobile lived-body to a stiff rigid and clumsy ice block that puts up resistance to warm and spontaneous expression. For some of us this has become so much a part of us that we’ve accepted our tense state and are missing out on the miracle of fully inhabiting a vitally alive, intelligent, wise, sensuous, and sensitive body. How you feel about your body is an outward and physical manifestation of your need, yearning, and struggle to show your sexuality to other people . . .

The need and desire to express our sexual nature is as natural to our human nature as the need to breathe air. Sexual expression is an essential ingredient for a healthy, happy, and connected life and a necessary condition for being content inside our bodies. But not all of us are comfortable about expressing our sexuality in even the most instinctive natural and healthy ways. Many of us were basically © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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sexing the body trained not to physically express our sexuality, not in private, and certainly not in public. In fact, the physical expression of our sexuality is what gets us so nervous, self-conscious, and restless when we think of approaching someone of the opposite sex. We have no healthy reference as to how to naturally express our sexual nature and no “safe” place where we can let loose and express ourselves without fear of who we are, what we have experienced, and what we want. Even when we do try to break out of our long tradition of sex-negative attitudes and biases, we often do so in ways that are likely to be fraught with emotional problems and laced with psychosexual conundrums. The in-your-face parade of sexuality (which seems to the latest fad in North America) has not made us any more at home with sexuality, nor has it delivered us from our compulsive need to debase the body - we still treat the body as a trophy to be put on view or a bag of skin to be made fun of. Instead of giving a fair and empowering voice to our deeper emotions, sexual interests, desires, and desirability in self-affirming ways, the overdramatized themes and images of sexuality in our media has gotten so many of us confused, anxious, and even more insecure. We act as though our sexuality is a Halloween costume we put on to ‘freak” others out and after that take it off to retire in the darkness of sexual insecurities. Your sexual insecurities can emit an aura of obvious desperateness. Trying too hard to be sexy can be the unsexiest thing there is, especially if it’s uselessly and needlessly out-there. If it looks like you spent hours on it or if you are working it too hard, it can seem like a flat detail on a painting— precisely done for no added value. It is the sheer effortless and easy nonchalance with which genuinely sexy people achieve their sexiness that makes them sexy. They never try to be sexy, they just are sexy. Until you are completely honest with yourself about your sexual self, you’ll always feel nervous, self-consciousness, and restlessness. First, you must admit you are not as “comfortable” with sexuality as you’d like to believe. Secondly, you need to admit to yourself that you are not really reaping the full potential of your sexual beingness—you are not enjoying sex as much as you pretend to be and you are not having more of it. Thirdly, you need to give sexuality its rightful place in all aspects of your daily life. Only when we individually and as a society accept that the need © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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sexing the body and desire to express our sexual nature is as natural to our human nature as the need to breathe air will we make our society more vibrant and nurturing instead of being a fertile ground for profound inhibitions and all sorts of collective obsessions. I must quickly add here that sexual expression and culture are intimate bedmates; one cannot be separated from the other. What is considered “socially acceptable” in one culture can have different connotations with respect to love, intimacy, and the physical expression of sexuality in another culture, and consequently, may not find acceptance in the second culture. How you feel about your body is the age-old story of the rift between mind and body, thinking and feeling, which has not been resolved . . .

Over the last three decades, we have seen remarkable enthusiasm about the so-called “body-spirit-mind” connection. Along with it came an upsurge of books, products, services, and techniques that promise to enhance our way of relating to the body. But although there is a better recognition of the role of the body in human well-being, there is still that same old story of the mind in opposition to the body, with mind assumed to be higher and superior, and the body lower and inferior. Just try to follow the “expert” manuals on “how to properly and effectively . . .” and you will find that your “brain” is rushing a little ahead and your body is lagging a little bit behind, or vice versa. The brain and body never seem to be aligned and both seem to always be a few inches in front or behind the person you are trying to share an experience with. You may be someone who is very familiar with human anatomy and have a good basic knowledge of the biology of things, but somehow you don’t seem to know when soon is too soon, how much is too much, when to take it to the next level, etc. You cannot ask your peers or friends because they too are pretty much groping in the dark while the “experts” are too shy or embarrassed to even admit they really have no idea. Their supposedly objective and knowledgeable insights—throw in a few romantic gestures (candles, scented oils, chocolate, massage, bottle of champagne, rose petals, etc); push a few buttons (touch here, touch there, add in a few boo-

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sexing the body tylicious tricks), do some heavy breathing (haah, haah, haah), and have an orgasm—all fail to measure up to the fantastic promise they hold in our heads, and the relationships we enter into with such hope fail to fulfill us or our partners. In trying to develop something that cannot be developed mechanically, we are stuck in fixed repertoires of response and reaction to people and situations. In trying to “freeze” and “package” whatever emotions, sensations, and desires are going on inside us at a given moment into little logical fixed “steps,” we are closing down our indefinite source of youthfulness and vigour and limiting ourselves voluntarily. How you feel about your body is part of your ongoing struggle to understand what it means to be a spiritual being and is closely connected to the fear of your own mortality . . .

The body’s relationship to the spirit and the struggle of the spirit is often neglected in the discussions about body image. Yet there have been a lot of studies, with more coming out all of the time, that show that people who have body and spirit harmonic alignment also have a positive self and body image that does not depend on the numbers on the scale, or on a tape measure, or a clothing label. They are less anxious about the aging process, and rather than fear, deny, or fight it, they embrace their aging bodies as the living stone on which the story of their lives is written on. All of us, at any age, can increase our spiritual awareness and give our bodies a sense of peace, safety, and meaning. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to regularly attend church, or go to a synagogue, or mosque to reap the benefits of living fully in your body. I personally believe that spirituality is a belief and a sort of deep “knowing” that you’re connected to something greater, something larger than yourself. It is about your way of thinking, feeling, living and being with yourself, with others, and with the world around you. It is where you find meaning, peace, safety, and connection. When the body feels safe and at ease, it is able to let go and be more natural, sensuous, and vibrant. However, you need to avoid overspiritualizing sexuality and inadvertently obstructing the natural inner © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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sexing the body flow which knows the body best. Over-spiritualizing can sometimes cause you to be over impressed with the human mind and mechanical efforts to be spiritual and sexual—you will be missing the point! “Sexy” is something that your body was designed to achieve naturally . ..

Gleeful exuberance that combines the outer youthfulness of a young person (strength, stamina, muscle tone, flexibility and passion for life) with an inner eternal youthfulness that comes with confidence, wisdom and with age is what we all secretly long for when we think about feeling sexy in a sexy body. Young or old, thin or fat, short or tall, you can make your body naturally sexy. You may not be able to reverse the aging process of your natural body, but you will exude an inner as well as an outer physical presence that has character, vitality, mystery, along with sex appeal. Here’s how to sex up your body—for keeps: 1. Challenge the body image notions that society imposes on us.

It is possible to escape the consumer culture and media pressure, lessen the stress of “not fitting in” and recover your authentic “essence,” but it doesn’t happen overnight or with simple will-power alone. It starts with you making a decision to provide yourself the emotional and sensory information you were deprived and which would have helped you distinguish between what is inside and what is outside your identity. You have to come to terms with knowing that who defines you is someone and something inside you and not outside you. You—and only you have the power to define who you are and what you will identify with. Some of the questions that can help you in that direction are: ¾

How best can I uphold my deep values with the body I have? ¾ How can I tell my body that I think it’s sexy just the way it is? (This is not about “If I had a perfect body or the body that I dream about,” but © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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sexing the body rather “I have a body that is waiting on me to ignite it with love, passion, and magnificence.”) ¾ How can I help others love the bodies they have? Do not be afraid to express who you are and what you identify with even if it goes against what is being glamorized as the norm. Every time you receive or come across information weigh it against your personal definition of sexy. See if there is something that supports your personal definition, learn from it and apply it. If nothing supports what you personally consider sexy, toss the information away. You know your body better than anyone else and you don’t need an equally insecure and unhappy person telling you how to feel secure and happy in your own body. 2. Become truly happy with something that is “unique” about you.

Becoming truly happy with your body is not the same thing as denying or trying to rationalize the self-critical voices interrupting your view of yourself. Rather, becoming truly happy with your body means adopting a nonjudgmental attitude toward yourself. It’s the ability to see things realistically and objectively as they are and being “okay” with what is. It is about knowing deep inside you that you do not have to be classically beautiful by societal standards to be inexplicably “sexy.” But more than that, it is about seeing your body with “new” eyes, seeing it as a reflection of something far more intelligent, wise, ancient, and sacred; then feeling comfortable enough about this to invite others in. Below are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you begin to see your body in a different light: ¾

If I am constantly trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, what does that say about me? ¾ If I changed all the parts of my body and replaced them with new ones every couple years, at what point would those new parts switch from being “not me” to being “me”? Would I be the same person? ¾ If I’m not (fat, skinny, short, tall, unattractive, attractive, etc), then what am I and who am I?

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sexing the body ¾

If I woke up one morning, only to discover that all of my memories and consciousness had been transplanted into the body of a movie star or model (who is a total dumb-ass, narcissistic, immoral, etc), what sort of person would I be? ¾ Is there an “essence” to my identity which if it were taken away, I would cease to be? When you begin to see that your body is so much more than a bag of skin you can cut, nip, and tuck, or a collection of bones that can be re-arranged in a “perfect” display, you will find yourself reacting not according to what will “look good” to others, but according to your deepest—and often unconscious—”essence” and sense of identity. 3. Put your energy into making the most of what you’ve got.

Everybody has their best features, even those of us who don’t think we do. Whether it’s your set of pearly whites, full head of hair, toned calves, rounded butt, broad chest, glowing skin, come-hither eyes, soft hands, edgy nails, full lips, shapely legs, curvaceous hips, or the whole body in general, whatever it is, work with what you have. Instead of focusing on those parts of your body you are least happy about, make an effort at least once a day, to look at your best feature, touch it and tell yourself how fabulous it looks and feels. And don’t forget to be kind and accepting of those “less than perfect” parts of your body. There is a game I play with my three daughters that my mother played with me every time I complained about any body part I was not happy with. First my mother would ask me what I was most happy with about myself—character traits, body parts, family, and so forth. Then she’d ask what I was least happy with. She’d turn up the stakes and ask which “most happy with” parts of myself I was willing to give up in exchange for another quality or characteristic. For example, I always wanted to be a few inches taller. I am five foot seven now but when I was younger, all my peers were taller than I was. I remember giving up my “academic” smarts, prominent derriere, or some other thing for a few inches of height. My mother would then help me reconstruct what I’d be like without those “most happy with” parts. Some days I was tall and dumb, and other days

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sexing the body I was tall and mean-spirited, or tall with no bum, or tall without a family that loved me, etc. Whatever combination we came up with was never “better” than what I already was. The game helped me realize that I had the “perfect combination” of mind, body, heart, and connectedness. I started to be more grateful to God for thinking of creating me just the way I was and giving me the family that I had. The other effect it had on me is that I found myself working with what I already had and making the most of it. I wanted to be smarter, compassionate, as well as shake my booty. It paid off big time! I can see the positive outcome of playing this game with my own daughters and have seen and heard them play it with their friends too. 4. Commit yourself to learning how to inhabit the space that is within your body.

Inhabiting your body is fundamental to your sense of well-being. We should all have a continuous and conscious awareness of the space within our bodies as well as the physical space we occupy while sitting or standing. Spend a few moments listening to your body and trying to understand what your body thinks and fears. Stay with your breath, your feelings, and body sensations. Allow that awareness to travel around your body and find different places to settle down. Stay with each part and just allow yourself to feel the body’s sensations—heaviness, tingling, twitching, warmth, colours, images—in that part. As you become more grounded you will become more receptive; having a secure feeling of being in touch with reality and your personal feelings. Do not try to time how long you stay with each body part by counting, one, two, three, and so on. The process would then become a mental exercise and not a body one. Trust your body to know when it’s time to move on. If it doesn’t want to move on (which is what will happen when you first start feeling your body), then don’t. You may even fall asleep; don’t

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sexing the body beat yourself up about it. Keep trying until you feel that you are in your body and are occupying every part of it. Another exercise that helps with body awareness, with a little help from nature, can be found in the last section of Chapter Four. 5. Reconnect with your thinking feeling body.

Sometimes humans connect to each other in ways that seem to defy the traditional five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Call it the “sixth sense,” “intuition,” “inner knowing,” or “gut feeling,” we all seem to have the ability to know immediately, directly, and holistically without being aware of just how we know what we know. To be able to live rich human lives we need to develop this inner knowing. On the most basic level, your inner knowing is grounded in the core of your physical self. This is the part of you that guides a large part of your voluntary actions. Anybody who has watched animals, cats or dogs for example, has seen that occasionally a cat or dog will do certain stretches and movements that appear necessary for its well-being. This is not because the cat or dog has read a book about what the best exercises are. They do the stretches instinctively; they just know. We don’t yet fully understand the mechanism by which true intuition allows us to obtain information, but with practice, you can learn to increase your intuitive experiences by co-operating with your body’s awareness without analyzing, rationalizing, or directing the process in any way. Trust and allow your body and instinct to guide thought and to follow its bidding. Start with increasing your awareness of the most basic intuitive impulses that you receive. For example, if your body wants to be stretched, stretch it, and if it feels like dancing, by all means dance. If you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, find a convenient place and give your lungs that much needed exercise. Following the basic intuitive impulses of your body enables you to feel more related and connected to your body which in turn deepens clarity

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sexing the body and self-trust. The more you trust yourself, the more you are able to access the information you receive from the core of your self. The process of separating intuition from wishful thinking or mind projection is something you develop over time as your intuitive abilities grow. 6. Let go and let your body be!

Everything the body can do is potentially enjoyable and alive with possibilities, sense of well-being, even ecstasy. But for you to experience the limitless abilities and adaptabilities of your body, you have to allow a certain degree of vulnerability and surrender of self-control if you want to free yourself and your body. This includes letting go of any investment in holding on to fear, shame, anger, and so on. It also means allowing yourself to dream, to fantasize, to experiment, and to create your own sexual animal. For many of us this means breaking free from our neurotic fear of the erotic and transcending the deeply embedded negative beliefs and counterproductive attitudes we hold. The following questions will help you get started on breaking free of the need to “maintain control” that does not make sense to the body. Thinking deeply and honestly about these questions and the answers you come up with will help you relax in intimate situations and may put you in contact with areas of yourself you may not have met before as an adult. ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾

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What does letting go mean to me? How do I feel about letting go? Why do I feel that I have to be in control? What emotions, feelings, and reactions come up when I think of letting go? What vague feelings of dissatisfaction, self-consciousness, disillusionment, or shame about my sexual nature and sexual desires make my body tighten up? What would happen if I were to let go? Are there other ways in my life in which I find it hard to let go? Why? Is there anything I am afraid will happen if I am not in control?

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What other little ways can I be less in control throughout the day? How do I feel about that?

Only, and only when you are able to be completely honest with yourself (and with others) about your sexual nature and sexual desires can you ignite the sexual fire that burns deep within you and flows through every part of your body. It is only by entering the door of the “unknown and unknowable” with an openness of mind, body, and soul that you will be able to direct the intensity of your true erotic yearnings, feelings, desires, and impulses into those areas of your body (and life) that bring you pleasure and delight. 7. Add fluidity and elasticity to your body.

There are many meditation exercises that are effective in helping us feel mobile, relaxed, and fluid in our bodies (and you don’t have to stick with one to the exclusion of others). I personally find free-style dancing that allows the body to find its own spontaneous expression a fabulous way to express the most delightful facets of our inner-directed uniqueness, sensitivity of soul, and the eloquence of a dynamic body. The dimensions of experience you can meet within yourself through dance are without limits. You may find yourself stimulating skin cell renewal and revitalizing body tissue. You may even find exercising more fun and maintaining your ideal weight easier. Here are some benefits of dance that make it an attractive and immediate avenue for getting in touch with the inner language of our bodies and essential selves.

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Dance is a ritual for self-exploration.

Ancient and indigenous cultures have for thousands of years used dance as a space for men and women, young and old, to critically reflect on individual autonomy, analyze struggles of self-definition, and build values and attitudes of respect and inclusiveness. It is difficult to say what ex-

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sexing the body actly happens during dance, but the profound feelings of release of judgment and of self-consciousness that you experience are noticeable.

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Skilful dancing is an instant boost to your desirability and attractiveness to others.

Good dancing skills bestow grace, poise, strength, stamina, passion, flexibility, and muscle tone upon the dancer. But the real reason why dancing is an instant attractiveness booster is that the dancing body feels its senses totally engaged and communicates this expanded aliveness in every cell of the body. When this sense of aliveness harmoniously mingles with the magic of music, it reveals a mysterious and hidden attractiveness. Most people transform into amazing, vibrant, sweet, relaxed, content, graceful, and seductive entities the moment they start to move to the sound of music.

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Dancing can be a subtle and very powerful form of seduction in and of itself.

Dance is part of the broader non-verbal body language of sexual invitation and indication of availability. It is a form of unconscious training in generating sexual energy at will, and a unique way of releasing your sexual energy to flow beyond the boundaries of individual physicality, drawing in and engaging another’s sexual energy in a very primal way. Whether the dance is fast or slow, it will bring self-awareness and discipline to your sexual body and sexual urges and desires.

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Dance can help us develop the sensitivity and responsiveness that is necessary in intimate relationships.

Dance creates that connection that can happen between two people who are in sync with each other. Through the expression of movement vocabulary, you can discover (or enlarge) non-verbal communication, and your understanding of one another’s feelings and sense of self. Good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones healed as you learn to appreciate each other and each other’s bodies.

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Dance can serve to redress and restore mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual balance.

Your body is a symphony of vibrating strings and membranes that can contract and expand to give you a feeling of ease and fluidity in the body, making it easier to manage mental, emotional, and body tensions. A body that is fluid and at ease allows you to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness without hesitation or fear. Being able to move easily between states of consciousness and unconsciousness will bring you into an awareness of what was previously invisible within you. When you begin to see your body as intelligent, wise, ancient, and sacred, you will begin to treat it as believers treat their temples and shrines—as a place to be revered and preserved in all its intricate and mysterious magnificence . . .

You will no longer be driven by the need for perfection but by fascination with what the body knows and does intuitively. As you learn to turn to your body for wisdom, guidance, and strength, you will no longer be obsessed simply by how it looks, but by its creativity, inventiveness, and resourcefulness. You will no longer be driven by comparisons to others but by an attitude and lifestyle that fits with your own definition of magnificence. As you begin to enjoy your body as lusciousness and intoxicating, you begin to feel “perfect” in your own right. Rather than continually trying to move and challenge your body to look and perform to meet someone else’s standards, you will want rapport with your body—your living, intelligent, wise and sensuous collaborator and best life companion—until death do you part.

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CREATING THAT “WARM AND FUZZY” FEELING Everyone wants to know how to read body language and master the grammar of flirting and seduction. This ability opens up a new kind of “high” in flirting and seduction techniques.

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t is quite easy to become preoccupied with decoding facial expressions, head nods, gestures, and even routine habits; or lost in trying to master particular patterns that we fail to connect with other people in a deep and emotional way. We fail to connect emotionally because body language fluency is more than merely reading and decoding non-verbal cues or mastering impression-making strategies. The truth is that, most of the time we really don’t understand each other’s logic and emotional language. We think that oh, my logic and language of emotions is universal, everybody feels this way and expresses things this way. They don’t. It is no wonder that so many singles report confusion regarding what their date was really thinking or feeling. No one expression or gesture has a precise social meaning . . .

A single non-verbal message is difficult to accurately interpret in isolation because most messages have several possible meanings. For example, folded arms could mean someone is emotionally closed off, defensive, angry, cold, comfortable, or bored. Nodding can mean the person is interested, in agreement, bored, tired, or tuned out. In addition, similar types of body language can have substantially different meanings in different contexts. Some everyday gestures used by both males and females may resemble those of flirting or seduction language though the person dis© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling playing these expressions and gestures may not necessarily be engaging in flirting or seduction behaviour. Body language such as smiling, gazeholding, narrowing the eyes, coy glances, tucking hair behind the ears, head-cocking, rapid eye blinks, self-touching, and much more, may be ingrained personal habits more than flirting or seduction “come-ons.” To be true to body language interpretation, we must be able to compare whether the person always acts this way (mannerisms) or whether the context dictated the use of that particular gesture because the person was flirting or engaged in seduction. This comparison is rarely achievable until we get to spend more time with that person and observe their body language in different environments. We can’t always identify the emotion and accurately interpret the meaning behind someone’s body language . . .

A single bodily expression or gesture can mean a variety of emotions. Tears may sometimes express sadness, though they may also express happiness, or relief from tension. Even smiling, which we all recognize, can often cover a gamut of emotions. We may look at a person and think “Oh, he or she is smiling. He or she must be happy,” and may or may not be accurately identifying the emotion behind the smile, which could be anything from happiness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, confusion, apology, sadness, sarcasm, contempt, or an expression of a polite greeting. This indefinite relationship between emotion and expression makes it difficult to know what emotion is being expressed by a particular body language. When using words, we ask for clarification, but in body language we cannot ask someone to repeat him or herself when we don’t understand their body language. Also, if we catch ourselves using the “wrong” body language, we can’t say “Just a minute,” and try again. Only extended interaction with people can clarify what emotion is being expressed by a particular body language. We may not be able to filter out the biases created by our own mental and emotional states . . .

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling that some of the emotions we read are a fabrication based on our own understanding of reality, our experiences, our perceptions, and opinions which may have nothing to do with the other person’s reality or experiences. The rest lies somewhere between these two extremes. Given that we have a tendency to jump to conclusions about the demeanour, expressions, and actions of others we inevitably make many wrong assumptions. When we notice that our date’s facial expressions or gestures don’t fit our own understanding of the emotion we associate with such expressions or gestures, we form a negative judgment about the person when in fact the emotion we have attributed to the facial expression or gesture may or may not have been what the sender intended. Quite often the sender is not aware that the message we received is incongruent with what he or she was trying to send. Body language also has a lot to do with our mental and emotional states, feigned or not, just as much as it has to do with the other person’s mental and emotional state. You may display what you believe to be “positive” body language but if the other person is, for example, in an aggressive or angry state, your gesture may be interpreted as provocation or harassment. The way we use and interpret body language literally depends on where we come from . . .

Depending on the situation and one’s cultural background, body language can be variously interpreted. For example, steady eye contact in North America may be a sign that someone is honest, sincere, and feels comfortable and interested in you, but this may not be the case for people from African and some Asian cultures who prefer very brief eye contact—more when talking, less when listening—as a sign of respect for a person’s authority, social status, or age group. Looking directly into the eyes of someone who is not one’s peer or intimate partner is likely to be interpreted as a sign of social immaturity or shallowness. But refusal to make even brief eye contact is seen as a refusal to acknowledge the other person’s humanity or presence. Interestingly, North American, African, and Asian cultures seem to agree that unwavering or direct fixed stares are unsettling; the variation seems to come from how much direct eye contact is consid-

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling ered “confrontational” and whether the culture encourages or values more, or less, aggressive tendencies. There are also cultural (and individual) differences in what (and how) we subconsciously choose to pay attention to, and the point or points of fixation. North Americans usually pay more (and longer) attention to the object in the forefront or centre but pay less attention to the background scene or surrounding areas. When in conversation, they mainly focus on the eyes and often take in the visual details of the individual in front of them. People from African and some Asian cultures tend to spend more time studying the background and its relationship to the main object in an attempt to take in the scene as a “whole.” They display more eye movement, back and forth, right and left, and between the person in front of them and the background context or immediate environment. This is often perceived as having “shifty eyes” by North Americans. Some researchers on eye behaviour attribute this to the fact that Africans and Asians are more socially and holistically inclined and therefore tend to pay more attention to a person not as a separate or disconnected part but rather as a vital part of the “whole” that includes all others. Nobody seems to really have a conclusive explanation for this cultural difference in eye behaviour. Other research indicates that we tend to be more sensitive and more able to detect changes in the body language of people similar to our own social, cultural, educational, and professional backgrounds, as well as body size, age, gender, etc. These findings may reflect a broader tendency to process the characteristics of members of other social, cultural, educational, professional backgrounds, etc., in a rudimentary way than the characteristics of members from one’s own group. Outside research finding, the reality is that even between people of the same cultural background and/or family, you will always find variations in the interpretation of body language. Body language can be manipulated and controlled, both consciously and subconsciously . . .

Some people have extremely open body language patterns. When they are elated, we know it. When they’re angry, we know that too. Others have

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling learned to control their emotions and how those emotions are expressed through their body language—not just the face, but the whole body. They may move only their lips when talking and not use any other signals— facial expressions, gaze direction, hand gestures, etc.—making it hard for you to tell if they are interested in you or not. Other people, like depressed individuals tend to have abnormally slow movements of the body and speech patterns. And there is of course the manipulating body language and “faking” of emotions. Skilled liars who know that people believe those who are lying can’t look you in the eye, very easily master the “honest trait” of looking directly into someone’s eyes and can fool anyone who is focused on just this one aspect of body language. A person who knows that a hug indicates friendship can intentionally hug his or her worst enemy as a trick to put the person off-guard. Think about it, how often have you pretended to listen attentively, or look interested in something you’ve heard before, or be amused by something you hardly find amusing? It may look like “polite” manners or a display of patience and therefore not “harmful” at all, but it is manipulating body language and faking emotions all the same. So how can we use body language to create that emotional “warm and fuzzy” feeling?

First of all, in order to properly convey and connect with emotions through body language, you must interpret body language signals as part of the overall system of communication. This means paying attention to verbal messages, intuitive messages, as well as body language signals. It also means being conscious of the fact that simultaneous body language signals often reinforce each other. Secondly, ascertain the emotional needs of the other person and then consciously use the body language expression that is consistent with those needs. But I wish it was as simple as that. Emotional needs are “fuzzy” and a little difficult to pin down. They can vary greatly from person to person. And some of our emotional needs we are aware of and some we are not. To make matters even more complicated, within a group of emotional needs, there are blends of various emotions that can appear and disappear

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling faster than one-fifth of a second and therefore cannot be easily observed in body language. But the more specific you are in identifying the other person’s emotional needs, the more accurately you can connect with that person on a very basic emotional level. If, for example, you find out that your date’s emotional need at the time is for affection (of course it could change at any time), make sure your body language is showing affection. Affection in this sense may also sensitivity, compassion, empathy, understanding, etc. The body language expression for sensitivity will be slightly different from the body language for understanding. And the body language for compassion may not be the body language you’d use for empathy. To increase the probability of making a strong emotional connection or enhancing a less strongly felt one: 1. Take care of as many emotional needs as possible…

Some people wear their emotions on their faces and telegraph their feelings very powerfully, but a majority of men and women have some, if not several, emotional barriers. Of course you cannot just ask someone, “Tell me, what is your emotional need?” or “What do you long for and wish to gain by going out with me?” They will not tell you. And if the need is unconscious, they will not be able to tell you because they don’t know. So you have to be creative. The more subtle way is to pay close attention to what the person is saying, which in turn will tell you something about what is important to him or her as well as illuminate their more sensitive areas. The more direct way is to ask a direct question like, “What could someone do for you that would make you happiest?” Asking someone to dream about an ideal or aspired experience is often a good idea to get people to think about how they want to feel in their desired experiences. Their answers are usually unbiased, sincere, and actionable. The other person may respond by saying, “Not lie to me” (emotional need: safety, trust, intimacy, etc.); or he or she may say, “Listen to me” (emotional need: appre-

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling ciation, connection, intimacy, etc.). With this in mind, you can then focus your creativity on creating the desired experience. Sure you’ll never be able to figure out all of a person’s emotional needs, meet all them, or even really be able to figure out which body language is consistent with which emotion, but if you can do your best, you’ll not be trying to entertain or intellectually stimulate someone when all he or she needs is to feel appreciated, safe, or secure. With a little focus, chances are you’ll be meeting his or her emotional needs as well your own emotional needs and you’ll both be feeling “warm and fuzzy” inside and outside. 2. Speak his or her native emotional body language…

The theory behind adjusting your body language to be in tune with the other person is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we’re doing, we feel they like us, want to be like us, or understand us more deeply. It is like speaking to someone using their native emotional body language. Training yourself to mimic other people’s twitches and jiggles, or reflecting their every facial expression or gesture (even negative ones), can be surprisingly simple. But with this monkey-see, monkey-do dynamic, you can quickly undermine what you hoped to achieve if you are not genuinely interested in their feelings, their thoughts, their desires, and their intentions. Capturing the other person’s emotional flow or how he or she truly feels makes all the difference. It communicates acceptance and openness to the other person which in turn puts him or her into a more at ease state, creating a positive, enjoyable experience for both of you. When that kind of synchrony occurs, they think and feel the two of you are emotionally related. 3. Use expressions and gestures that evoke stronger emotional responses…

The entire time you’re talking to someone, a man or woman, he or she is watching you, trying to figure out from your expressions and body lan-

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling guage, what you are thinking about and what’s going on at any given moment. Use this unrelenting scrutiny to your advantage. Telling a good story that is ideally dramatic and that sends nonverbal cues to attract and hold the attention of the listener emotionally, is one easy way to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling. Imagine the story in your mind and describe what you see using body language that draws in the other person’s sensations and emotions. Use facial expressions to create moods such as happiness, surprise, anger, sadness, fright, doubt, empathy, and so forth; hand gestures to describe shapes and sizes; and vary your voice, pitch, tone, and speed to create different characters— a man’s voice, woman’s voice, child’s voice, old person’s voice, roar of a lion or bear, etc. If the other person can experience the story through as many senses as possible, he or she will be more engaged and will experience the story as if it were happening to him or her, right here, right now. Tell your story in the present tense. The present tense puts the listener inside the story. It also implies that the story does not belong to you alone, but to you and the person listening—you are experiencing it together. Tell your story from a single point-of-view when telling it to a man, and through multiple, simultaneous points-of-view when telling it to a woman. Be yourself and speak from your heart. And oh! Abstract stories with lots of stats, numbers, and figures can be really dull and dry. As living beings we are naturally moved by what is living and repelled by inert things such as statistics and concepts. 4. Practice being conscious of your subconscious feelings and emotions…

Faking emotions and showing the wrong emotion at the wrong time can cause discomfort in others, making people lose respect for you, and can sabotage your efforts to create an emotional connection with someone. Your conscious awareness of the pressure slowly building inside you allows you to quickly sense when you are starting to sabotage yourself. Say

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creating that “warm and fuzzy” feeling for example, you are on a date and for some reason you start feeling impatient or irritated, your body responds by tapping or drumming fingers. If you are not consciously engaged, you will not be aware you are tapping or drumming your fingers or that the “discomfort” you’re experiencing in your body is already being communicated to the other person and is causing him or her to become impatient or irritated. You may be sensing that he or she is somehow irritated but still be totally unaware of the reason. When you are consciously aware of when you’re beginning to feel impatient or irritated you can take appropriate corrective action nearly instantaneously, in “real time.” When you are more aware and mindful of your own emotions and how they play out, you will not need to wait and see those emotion reflected back to you by someone else. 5. Give yourself permission to shed your childhood, social, professional, academic, and adult conditioning.

Even though psychotherapy has shown that people who are most eloquent in the “language of emotions” are those who have learnt to speak this language at an early age, recent studies show that proficiency in the “language of emotions” is a skill that can be enhanced with practice. Basically, it is difficult to create that “emotional” or “warm and fuzzy” feeling when your body is restricted and tight and your voice caught somewhere in the middle of your throat, but when you shed your inhibitions and are no longer holding yourself back, you are more expressive and free, loving and non-judgemental, vitally alive and creative.

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MORE THAN WHAT MEETS THE EYE Facial expressions communicate about 50% of all our non-verbal messages; when used in conjunction with the eyes, we communicate about three-fourths of all our nonverbal information this way. The more you know about how to use facial expressions and eyes as a medium of communication, the more likely you are to find a loving, lasting partner.

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ooking directly into the eyes of another person is a very powerful way of creating attraction. In face-to-face contexts, eye contact adds depth, perspective, and excitement to an encounter and to a relationship. However, simply pointing our eyes or gazing fixedly into someone else’s eyes thinking that if we make “good eye contact” or gaze hard enough and long enough, something will happen, is a waste of a lot of time. It is not the quantity of eye contact that gets the chemistry surging and attraction happening, rather it is how adept we are at using the eyes as a medium of communication. For the majority of us, it’s not the lack of steady eye contact but the inability to use the eyes to speak on our behalf that puts us at a distinct disadvantage. While some people can make very brief eye contact and say a zillion things—greet, adore, invite, suggest, implore, insist, propose, promise, even “test drive” in less than the three seconds (glimpse time) it takes to make a first impression—some of us have eyes that are so dull that we focus nonchalantly into another’s eyes the entire duration of a date and our eyes say very little or nothing at all. There are at least two ways that we use the eyes in communication. The first way of using the eyes is with the intention of seeing—just to look to see . . .

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more than what meets the eye

For simplicity, from here on I will refer to looking with the intention of seeing as “eye contact.” Eye contact involves directing one’s eyes towards someone or something with the goal of getting visual information about it and from it. It can be as simple as “looking into the eyes” of another, merely looking to see or pick up a signal that says the other person sees that you are looking at him or her. Both parties know the other has “seen” but nothing is inferred from their eyes, and nothing is seen in our own eyes. The eyes in this case have an intake function. They are taking information in but not outputting anything. Eye contact can also be a little more complex, for example, when the two of you look at each other for more than a brief moment, it can lead both of you to think: “Is he or she nervous or shy?” “What does he or she want from me?” “Does he or she find me attractive?” etc. You notice how the person is looking at you (whether his or her pupils expand or contract when looking at you), read his or her other body language and attribute intentions to it. And then decide whether the reason they are looking at you needs feedback or action. This use of the eyes to see is a “receptive function.” Eye contact is not intended to send particular information to the other person but rather to figure out their interests and intentions— whether they’re interested in a conversation, are being coy, are likely to become aggressive, and so on. Three important things to remember when using eye contact in this manner: 1. People initiate eye contact because they want to, it doesn’t just happen . . .

Eye contact is fundamental in indicating the level of interest and as a means of anticipating the next move. We will look at the other person to determine intent, interest, or disinterest before we approach or speak. If the person does not make eye contact, we will take it as a cue that he or she is not interested. Recent research has found that people who are prone to high anxiety and those with social phobias tend to be more sensitive to signs of possible re© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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more than what meets the eye jection and as a result may find making eye contact with the opposite sex threatening. Some men and women feel awkward making eye contact because they fear that if they look at someone of the opposite sex, they’ll be seen as lusting after or be seen as sexual (having sexual needs), or acting in a sexual way (enjoying the sexual side of life). These men and women may be perceived by the opposite sex as shy, lacking in confidence, or cold, because of their deliberate attempt to avoid making eye contact. Our self-perception, thoughts, and beliefs about our own sexuality and other people’s sexuality can carry over and interfere with eye behaviour. Like everyone else, you intuitively know those intriguing glimpses of the ”real” you behind the eyes may reveal some intimate information about you, or your thoughts about the other person you’d rather they didn’t know. You may feel that being seen into too deeply may reveal hidden sexual needs, urges, desires, and fantasies and you would be embarrassed. Perhaps you even fear that if you were to look deeply into another person’s eyes, you might begin to speak or even sexually act out in ways that are inappropriate. If you constantly find it hard to look people of the opposite sex in the eyes, try this very interesting and very effective exercise that facilitates a new self-awareness tied to the conscious experience of fearlessness and love. Using a mirror, practice gazing into your eyes; look yourself in the eyes and see yourself seeing yourself. Gaze at yourself first in one eye for about a minute and then in the other eye. Try to see the “sexual” in you. Do different poses and different eye gestures. Tell yourself the following: “Being sexual is natural. Being a sexual being is part of being human. We all are sexual beings. I can be sexual without feeling embarrassed about it. I accept others as sexual beings. We all are sexual beings.” Have fun with this until it feels completely natural and “okay” to be sexual. Take this feeling and look into the eyes of members of the opposite sex, friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers. Don’t be too aggressive or intrusive, just look with the aim of “going in there” and seeing them as “normal.” As you become more comfortable with it, you’ll be able to look directly into the eyes of someone of the opposite sex without even being conscious you’re doing it. If you are comfortable enough to do so,

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more than what meets the eye tell your friends what you are doing and ask for feedback on how you are coming across. 2. Too much eye contact is as bad as too little, and sending a “distorted” gaze is sometimes much worse than sending no visual information at all . . .

Sometimes men and women stare at someone of the opposite sex in order to catch their attention or to show interest, unaware that they are actually making the other person uncomfortable. There is a subtle but critical difference between an appreciative glance and outright ogling, leering, or drooling. Staring or ogling is anti-social, not to mention downright creepy. It is like talking too loudly, too close, using vulgar language, or making lewd comments but using the eyes. It is as offensive as verbal or physical attack. Both men and women tend to sense it when someone is looking at them too intently and violently. Women especially suffer from these acts of leering visual rape. Although some men deliberately stare at members of the opposite sex for particular reasons, most are too engrossed in their own “pleasure” to give a split second’s consideration to the other person’s feelings. Such men are unaware and rarely realize that whatever is racing in their minds is nakedly registered in their eyes and on their faces. If you find people reacting angrily to your eye contact, or if no one wants to look deeply into your eyes or open themselves up to be looked deeply into by you, there is a very high chance your eye-contact is communicating neediness, desperation, need for validation, low self-esteem, need for dominance or control (which is just another expression of low-self esteem), or is threatening. If individuals of the opposite sex constantly get upset or angry when they catch you looking at them, then you are looking at them in a way that is sexually objectifying and demeaning. Make a conscious decision to find some kind of balance so you don’t appear rude or intimidating. This is why it is important to be real with yourself about your sexual self, to get to the bottom of your sexual beliefs and thoughts, and then work through problem areas.

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more than what meets the eye 3. Eye contact that is too intense and too soon, can stifle the possibility of a profound connection happening naturally . . .

The most common mistake many people make is to use the eyes in a premature attempt to increase physical attraction and intimacy. Prolonged eye contact done prematurely is sometimes like talking too much too soon or over-communicating with a stranger. There are several things that can happen: one, the other person might perceive your eye behaviour as a desperate need for attention; two, your perception of the other person might be skewed if trust is entered into too soon; and three, instead of increasing physical attraction and intimacy, you end up increasing stress or even end up pissing off the person. The new trend of three minute “speed gazing,” falls into this category of trying to increase intimacy too soon. Avoid reading more than is intended. Acknowledge the person with an “I’ve seen that you’ve seen me” smile, or nod of the head, or eyebrow flash. A disinterested party will simply look away, often sideways, with a downturn of the mouth, or use some other body language indicating disinterest. If the person is interested, he or she will normally look again, a little more intently, with inquisitiveness—“Is he or she saying (with his/her eyes) what I am seeing (with my eyes)?” When we look deeply into another’s eyes, we see not just their eyes but who they are . . .

Many people who’ve experienced a deep level of connection with someone often report that they just happened (or felt compelled) to look at someone’s direction and their eyes locked. Almost everyone who has been locked into a soulful gaze with another person has felt a gentle jolt of physical and spiritual awareness. It is as if you have looked into the eyes and something powerful but ineffable is revealed. You lose awareness of the physical content of the visual experience as you are taken beyond all defences, beyond the boundaries of yourself, the boundaries of the other, and into the boundlessness of soul—the deepest of secret places. The two of you merge into one; you feel you are the other person and the other person is you. You somehow realize you are actually one and the same organism, along with all other living things. In this moment, time stands still in the vacuum of the gaze (or state of spiritual ecstasy). It is so pro© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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more than what meets the eye found an encounter that you remember it many days, even years after. This is not something that you just walk away from with an “oh! that felt amazing,” which is what I hear from some of my clients who’ve attended structured eye-gazing seminars or parties. If you want to experience this level of connection, try not to look for anything in particular, for example, assuming the person is your soul mate or seeking out certain traits you’re hoping to find. Stay open and receptive to what comes to you. In some people you might sense deep sadness, pain, or fear. The normal reaction of the logical/rational mind is to try and “understand’ or “explain” it. If you are trying too hard you’ll most likely see what you want to see rather than what is. Most people notice a distinct difference in their perception of the other person when they shift their intention from trying to see to just seeing. Any negativity in the form of an intention to manipulate, judgmental attitude, inhibitions, neediness, insecurities, anger, long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of painful humiliations, confusions, jealousies, distrust, control, conflict, self-doubt, lewdness, confusion, shame, fears of inadequacy, rejection, or failure, will eventually leak out and interfere with the power of your gaze and may even work against you. The second way we use eyes in communication is with the intention of using our eyes to speak on our behalf . . .

In the art of seduction, good or steady eye contact does very little if you cannot “speak” or converse with the eyes as you do with words. Eyes that “speak” are hard to define, but you know it when you see it: they narrow, they deepen, they caress, they glow with knowledge, they twinkle mischievously, they play with desire, and they reflect the wonders of a wide world. They contain more information and are semantically richer than the plain hauntingly vacant gaze on a plastic mannequin or frozen expressionless face. While mere eye-contact says to the other person “I can see with my eyes that you are looking at me with your eyes,” using the eyes to communi-

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more than what meets the eye cate says much more. It says, “I see that you see that I see that you see that I see you.” We are not peering at the other person’s eyes merely as physical objects of beauty, but rather we are looking through their eyes both as senders and receivers of very personal information—thoughts of the mind and intents of the heart. What we see can have quite a remarkable transformative effect on how we look at the person and even their level of attractiveness. It’s really amazing what you can say without even opening your mouth. Speaking or communicating with eyes is more complex than interpreting the meanings of non-verbal communications or learning how to be a “mind reader” or “lie detective” (what a rightward or upward glance or eyebrow flash means, and whether a person is being truthful or not). It has more to do with being able to understand what the other person is saying with their eyes and to answer back in an emotion-evoking manner with just eye gestures and expressions. This involves eye movements and facial expressions—pupil dilation, eyebrow movement, eyelid movement, pupil direction, along with neighbouring muscle movement that creates facial expressions. The single most potent and perhaps the most provocative eye language is the smile . . .

One of the main reasons why people go out but still don’t attract someone of the opposite sex is because they do not smile enough. Most of us would agree that we have sometimes been too serious and perhaps too focused on looking for that special person. When we meet someone who we think (wish, hope, pray) is the “one,” we get nervous and subconsciously hold our breath—either in or out. And when we smile, we bare our teeth in a deliberate attempt to mislead the person into thinking we’re relaxed, happy, and enjoying ourselves. There are two main kinds of smiles, one fake and the other genuine. Some of us can somehow “feel” the difference on a sub-conscious level but a good number of us are such bad judges of character (or just too desperate), that when it comes to the opposite sex, we get taken advantage of quite easily.

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more than what meets the eye

The smile intended to mask true feelings or manipulate others is also easy to fake and easy to spot. You can tell a smile is forced when eye muscles barely move and the area around the eyes tends to be less crinkled (uhhmm, wrinkles may not be a bad thing after all) making the eyes appear dull and expressionless. The lip corners stretch sideward with little upward curl that makes the person appear overly relaxed but not really happy. If you remember anything else, remember this: the cheesier the smile, the faker it is. When you fake a smile, it sub-consciously conveys to the other person that there is “something” about you that you are trying to hide. Often times it creates a feeling of unease in the other person as he or she tries to understand what’s really being communicated or intended, and what’s being hidden. The genuine or “felt” smile is hard to produce on demand because it depends on and is controlled by emotion. It begins with a slight widening feeling in the eyelid area just before the corners of the mouth and cheeks, and works itself into “happy lines” that can extend across the face including the forehead. This smile produces a softening effect on the face and transmits a generous and warm nature. In most people you’ll notice a twinkle or what looks like a feeling of “amusement” or somewhat “mischievous” expression in their eyes. A felt smile instils a feeling of “wellbeing” and connectedness that is infectious. It is as if we are saying; “I like you and I want to share my good mood with you.” And while a fake smile can be switched on and off at lightning speed, a “felt” smile can last long after the other person has left. What’s even more fascinating is that researchers have found that the slight pouching under the eyes that comes with a “felt” smile is incredibly difficult to fake unless you are truly happy. As it turns out, it is extremely hard to pretend you’re happy when you’re not. We smile because we feel good and we feel good because we are happy, and when we are happy we smile, and the more we smile the more we feel good. Trying to look happier or more comfortable than we really are betrays our smile far more effectively than a heavy frown. It’s as if we are saying, “I am unhappy but cannot show you that I am unhappy, so I will pretend it’s a smile.” © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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To teach yourself to smile with more expression in your eyes, try to imagine something really funny, or think of someone or something that makes you happy. Don’t be afraid to laugh a bit while doing so, this will relax you from the inside out. The happier and more relaxed you are, the more genuine your smile will be. A real, genuine smile is worth a zillion words. But this is only a great start, overall, you need to feel your life is important, significant, unique, and special, in order for you to be able to feel natural happiness and for your smile to constantly carry that “twinkle” we value so much. This doesn’t mean you will never ever experience sadness in your life again, but that even when you do experience it, you do so in a healthy way. Eyebrows give vividness and energy to our spoken words, adding intensity and depth . . .

Eyebrows and eyelids are what make a face interesting. Make-up artists and cosmetic surgeons have long realized the influence of eyebrows and eyelids on attractiveness and how others respond to these visual triggers. People with natural smooth-flowing eyebrows are considered friendly and inviting, while those with hard, bushy, or artificial-looking eyebrows give the impression that they are cold, indifferent, and unapproachable. But the importance of eyebrows goes far beyond merely looking “good.” Very often, communication begins with a split-second mutual eyebrow flash as a way of acknowledging each other. We may not know we are doing it, but the other person notices it or even feels it at a subconscious level. During the course of the interaction, eyelids and eyebrows can be pulled upwards, downwards, and inwards, and can be combined with other eye positions and movements to send an endless number of messages. Raising both the inner and the outer part of the eyebrows is a very powerful way of accentuating particular words, stressing a particular part of a sentence, filling pauses, asking salient questions, and conveying a whole range of emotions including happiness, admiration, scorn, anger, fear, ter-

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more than what meets the eye ror, joy, sadness, surprise, excitement, worry, and dismay. A small change in the arrangement of the speaker’s or listener’s eyelids and eyebrows can dramatically alter the emotion being conveyed by the conversation. These kinds of changes are understood universally. It is not surprising that cartoonists recognize and can exploit the power of the eyebrows in simple and rudimentary line drawings. Since we can communicate by verbal and non-verbal signals simultaneous, we can decide to use the two modalities sequentially, or simultaneously. Words combined with the use of eyelids, eyebrows, and other areas of the face add to the quality of our emotional intensity and sexual attractiveness. For example to accentuate or add a sense of action and “passion” to what you are saying (“But,” “Please!” “No!” or “I don’t know”), raise both eyebrows instead of one. Squeeze the eyebrows together for a dramatic hesitation pause (“I am thinking” or “I am trying to remember”); and raise one eyebrow to ask a question. This has even more sex appeal when a question is not verbalized. The more profoundly you seem to be feeling the words that are coming out of your mouth, the more effective eye language becomes and the more appealing you look. The ability to increase emotional intensity using eye language can, if handled properly, be carried over into other skills that are useful at the workplace and other environments. Attraction increases when the other person notices a likeness or similarity in his or her eye behaviour with our own eye behaviour . . .

Someone who synchronizes his or her eye behaviour with that of the opposite sex will achieve success faster and more frequently than the one who is busy trying to make the other person establish “good” or “steady” eye contact. When your eye behaviour matches the other person’s, he or she will subconsciously come to believe the two of you are participating in a joint-activity towards the same goal. Eye-synchronization is not just about “mirror-versions,” but about rhythm as well, something akin to a courtship “dance.” Since the art of seduction is not a job interview where you have to “impress” the interviewer with “good eye contact,” make an effort to match © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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more than what meets the eye the other person’s eye behaviour. We do it all the time. In meetings, we look at a speaker and follow their eyes, then look at a clock or watch. We may do this several times before the speaker starts following our eye movement and realizes we’re saying with our eyes “it is past time already!” Start by noticing the person’s eye behaviour. A man or woman’s eye behaviour can vary from something as simple as intervals between eye blinks (blink patterns), rolling of the eyes, nod timing, eyebrow movement, looking at objects intently as if seeking information of a special kind, staring in space, moving the eyes from right to left when visualizing a word, or closing the eyes to attend to some “inner thought.” Try to match the eye movement pattern and emotional behaviour for a few minutes and then break it off. After a while try it again, until it feels natural to you or at least until you are no longer thinking about it. When you first start, you will feel a little uneasy because you will be cognisant of your actions. The secret is to be flexible and subtle enough. Once you’ve caught the person’s attention, quickly direct his or her attention to something or someone you want him or her to consider, with a glance that says—“I am referring to something in that place I want you to pay attention to”; or “That’s funny,” “I love that,” “Do you want some?” “I knew it!” After a few practices of doing this and getting it right, you’ll start to share experiences without a word being spoken between the two of you. You’ll find that most of the time the two of you are on the same wavelength and the same things seem momentous, funny, and meaningful to both of you at the same time. Keep in mind that intentionality is particularly clear when it is in nonverbal form. Eyes that can “do dreamy” as well as show “a ticking mind at work” hold a certain allure that is intriguing and absorbing . . .

One of the grievances I get from my clients is that however much they try, they can’t do the “mysteriously seductive” gaze.

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more than what meets the eye Our minds are constantly making mental notes and trying to make “sense” of what we see. A gaze that locks the mind into trying to figure out what is hidden and not being shown by the eyes can be difficult to look away from. The mind seems to automatically sense there is something in the eyes that is both revealed and concealed at the same time, but it does not know what it is. This push-pull dynamic between what is revealed and concealed forces the mind to scan for visual messages it normally would not. To create that “reveal and conceal,” “push-pull” effect, use the eyes in such a way that your eye gestures somewhat “conflict” with your other body language. For example, turn your body away from the person and give them an over the shoulder glance; lower your head downwards and look through the eyelashes; gaze broodingly with a certain amusement behind the eyes; look and then quickly look away, look back and then look away again and smile, etc. The look and look away gaze is very powerful. The limited time provided to indulge in the gaze intensifies the incomprehensibility. A further absorbing and downright fun element is set in play when your smile comes before or after the start of a “look,” but never at the same time. When the eyes do not give away all our intentions, tension is heightened and some “mystery” is added to the interpretation of what is revealed and what is concealed. The other person gets the sense that something compelling is happening, but the eyes are presented with many other diverse body language signals that the mind is locked and typically asks for more information in a frantic effort to “find out’. Here is the catch. The real mystery of the “mysteriously seductive” gaze is that when you look past the initial mysteriousness, you’ll see that the gaze is not meant to hide anything at all. If anything, the eyes reveal what the mind is overlooking. To further enhance your look, simply combine it with a message that you want to send about yourself. For example, you might want to send the message that says, “Come play with me, I am willing to be wooed and well worth the effort,” or “I am an adventurous spirit who promises comfortable pleasure, adventure, and excitement beyond anything you can ever imagine,” and so on. The message should be an accurate and truthful communication about you. If you are trying to be who © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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more than what meets the eye you are not, the other person will only see eye gestures that are inconsistent with other body language and figure out that you are “lying.” The eyes can be used to create attraction, just as they can be used to manipulate the gullible to a degree that defies imagination . . .

If you’ve ever felt that “on the prowl” unflinching stare with a steely edge, then you’ve felt the predator’s gaze, or as Africans put it, the “look of the beast.” This is the look of the charismatic psychopath—the soulless marauder without empathy, devoid of conscience or remorse, living a mere shadow of an emotional life, but able to mimic the outward manifestation of emotions on demand. This is the look that sees others merely as prey or objects, with no consideration for their feelings. The predator’s gaze is intent on fooling the eye and drawing its attention outward. In this context, eye contact is an instrument of objectification as well as psychological and mind control. The predator’s look reeks with neediness, low self-esteem, desperation, lust, lewdness, need to degrade, humiliate, dominate, and destroy. Most people when looked at this way experience a powerful urge to look away. If you find yourself under the steely stare of a psychopathic predator, you have two choices; you can either look somewhere other than their direction—up, down, left, right, backwards—just to avoid eye contact at all costs, which is best if you feel threatened by their behaviour. The other option is to meet or challenge the person’s stare and try to make them look away first. In the culture I was raised in, children are encouraged to counter the level of stress created by a predator’s gaze with a more intense stare of their own. The results are amazing. Try this: go deep inside yourself, into your deepest part. Feel something alive and breathing in you, something not surrounded by the fog of ego preoccupations and entanglements (e.g. anger, fear, frustration, stress, rejection, self-pity, depression, sadness, hopelessness, etc.); something unknown yet stronger and fearless (as my people say, merge with the lion/lioness within or go in the way of the warrior), and return “a killer’s look.” Before you go “Bow-wow-wow, I can’t do a killer’s look, I have no “evil” in me,” think again. When you are attacked by a lion, you will fight

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more than what meets the eye for your life whether you have evil inside you or not. When suddenly seen in this deep way, predators find themselves exposed and the predatorvictim connection is broken. Countering a predator’s “on the prowl” unflinching steely gaze requires a lot of strength on your part that comes from “knowing” yourself in an intimate way and involves being able to call on the strength of your spiritself (egoless self) in an instant. Using the eyes to seduce another person is, of necessity, a process that develops over a period of time . . .

Using the eyes to converse fluently takes practice, but doing so with awareness speeds up the process. Experiencing the power of eyeconversation for the first time, one of my clients who’d struggled with using the eyes said to me, “I was instantly flooded with pure affection and gratitude. This lasted during the whole encounter. I was amazed. What happened? This is new. It’s a bit scary!”

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CHANGE HOW YOU SAY IT, CHANGE THE CHEMISTRY The Art of Conversation is something to treasure and cherish especially if you can allow yourself to become totally involved and lost in the moment itself, even before you know what the result exactly will be, even before you know whether it will be good or not, and even before you know whether he or she will like you or not.

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ou have probably heard—“This relationships business is hard work. It’s like a full time job.”

In many ways, it’s true that finding a partner is like finding a job, but after a few years of working with single men and women, I can’t help feeling that too many people these days treat dating like the dreaded interview, and relationships like a dead-end job where you show up, put in your time, work among machines, go home, and wait for a “pay raise” (translation—miracle) to nudge you from your dead-beat slumber. This is how I got there: First, there is the interview (sorry, first date). Everyone is eager to impress the other person. There is all this nervous energy and panicky attempts not to miss the opportunity to “talk” or say something “smart” that impresses the other person. Each person is thinking of the next witty thing he or she is going to say while waiting for the other person to breathe so they can jump in and say it. Verbal exchanges progress in a linear logical fashion moving from information already stated to information about to be given. When one person mentions experiencing a problem—personal or professional—the other person responds by either sharing a similar problem or experience of their own, or by offering advice. Each person wears a single look, of concentration, of one who is en© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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change how you say it, change the chemistry gaged in a difficult, precarious task. In order to maintain this precarious social front, all emotion is suppressed, body movements controlled, and voices stifled. Sometimes men and women are so driven to find out “what we have in common” that the date becomes a senseless, probing, “just the facts, sir/ma’am” repartee. In North America, the anxiety in male-female interactions is further heightened by “political correctness.” Women are so anxious to lay down the “rules” and to make sure a man follows those “rules” to a tee. The men on the other hand are so anxious to show they are “intelligent” and in step with the latest sociological stats and “alpha male” techniques. In the end, both sides succeed in coming across as dry, boring, and predictable. It’s like reading an encyclopaedia—useful and informative—but emotionally lifeless. It is not uncommon for me to hear comments like these from my clients and friends: ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾

“Most definitely one of the most excruciatingly boring dates I’ve ever had.” “Within the first 30 minutes I’d heard everything about his boring life.” “The next 30 minutes, we spent talking about some boring stats.” “I was so bored I had to leave.” “I will just chalk today up as a completely worthless day.” “It was pathetic; what a waste of valuable time.” “She didn’t even realize she’d told me the same damn story twenty times already.” “In a fit of boredom, I ordered a drink I didn’t even need.” “Who teaches these men how to bore a woman?”

The common complaint by both men and women is that there is little or no surprise element in today’s interactions. There is nothing exciting and nothing that is really countdown worthy, at least emotionally. Well, maybe occasionally, cool reason comes in contact with the volcanic emissions of emotional hang-ups and things literally erupt. Both sides start yelling out “anything” or “whatever it takes” to “attack” the other person’s positions while “defending” their own. Before long we have a shout© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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change how you say it, change the chemistry ing match rather than a reasoned discussion. For many, this is probably the closest it ever gets to an “emotional” bond. Interactions that are devoid of emotion go beyond being “not fun,” they impact our ability to create an emotional bond with someone . . .

We are so paralyzed internally by the pervasive anxiety of putting the “right” front that our interactions with the opposite sex have become mere routines of tolerance or senseless battles of wills rather than of gentle attentiveness, emotional vitality, and inner warmth based on authentic impulses. So even though two people spend much of their time together, they never directly share each other’s authentic self, and therefore never know each other completely. The key to creating an emotional bond is not about what we know, how much we know or how much we are able to “download” onto the other person, but rather how we experience and communicate feelings. Let me put it in another way: people don’t fall in love with factual discussions, arguments, and proofs; they fall in love because of emotions and then they justify their decision with facts and proofs. Everyone—no exceptions— responds to emotions and feelings (quite well I must add), even when they aren’t apparent. It is great that we can talk about emotions, but “emotion words” can sometimes hold us back and alter how others experience us . . .

We usually fumble and lose our way in the web of verbalizing our emotions—“naming emotions,” “talking about feelings,” or “sharing our feelings.” We are brought up with a code that says we have to put our emotions into words and that verbalizing emotions involves talking about problems. The setback with this is that sometimes we are conditioned by the words themselves. Instead of really experiencing the emotion (and feeling) from moment to moment and really being present with it, we verbalize it—give it a “word” or “name.” Giving an emotion a “word” or “name” can help you quickly disconnect from uncomfortable emotions and feelings. For example, you can say “I © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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change how you say it, change the chemistry am really angry/sad/jealous,” but without necessarily having to feel the emotion in the present as it is happening. By giving those emotions “words” or “names,” you can easily, freely, and safely move through them—good for you. But when you are trying to “transfer” emotional information to another person such as “I am excited/ecstatic” or “I am enjoying your company,” just doesn’t cut it if you are not really experiencing the emotion (and feeling), moment to moment, and really being present with it. Of course it is possible to send emotions via words alone. We do it when we are writing, for example. But when someone can see or hear us, they choose to believe “real-time” emotions and they can feel it when we do not really “go into the emotions.” They may not be consciously aware of why they enjoy some encounters and not enjoy others, but the knowing is there. Communicating the emotions that are happening in us moment to moment is an art we must learn—and for some of us, relearn . . .

When you are trying to connect with another person, “emotions” are useless if they are just words spoken by one person to another and not something felt together—for together. Our intentions for “sharing feelings” should not be about “savouring” or “releasing” emotions for our own benefit, but about generously “sharing ourselves” with another person. It really bothers me when I’m in an environment where people are encouraged to talk about their feelings and share their emotions as if feelings and emotions are separate from the individual. We cannot share feelings apart from sharing ourselves because our feelings are who we are. And we can all agree that some of our greatest joys have come from deeply “knowing” another person rather than just their expressed emotions and feelings. If you can learn one thing from this book, learn this, sharing feelings is the sharing of self, not just the expression of emotions . . .

In indigenous African cultures, the “sharing of each other” is a real-time emotion/feeling that can be called “I-am-here.” This is the emotion that people cause us to feel merely by their presence. If for example you ask a man or woman in the village, “Tell us how you feel?” they might respond by saying “I-am-here” or “I-am-just-here,” which often means “I feel con© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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change how you say it, change the chemistry nected/tuned in/in synchrony with you, with the universe, and with myself.” What makes the “I-am-here” emotion more interesting is that most African indigenous languages have the same word for “feeling” and “hearing.” This means “I-am-here” is not just something one feels, it’s also something one hears. I will explain this in depth in Chapter 13. Apparently there is no specific word in English to describe this most basic, and most important emotion of “I-am-here”—“Here-ness,” “Be-ing,” or “Is-ness,” whatever you chose to call it. We do have words for when this emotion is absent—“lonely,” “loneliness,” “lonesomeness,” etc., but surprisingly, no word for the continuous flow of feeling one receives from the person who brings those emotions by their presence. I’ve sometimes wondered if this one of the reasons why so many of us report feeling “lonely in a crowd.” Could it be that we have not learned to feel “I-amhere”? If you want people to trust you, believe in you, and be attracted to you, make your voice more expressive, vibrant, engaging, soothing, warm, and reassuring . . .

The human voice is rich in meaning and emotion. Sounds, including voice tone and pitch, provide others with a lot of cues about who you are. Your voice tells others about your special way of being, allowing them to know you by your voice. An utterly monotonous tone of voice with little variation in pitch, intonation, or pace—or a kind of mournful whining style of speaking—gives away an inner nature that is tedious and unexciting, even if what you are saying is truly fascinating or exceptionally amusing. Just by changing the volume, pitch, inflection, emphasis, and even the pauses that you use, your voice can become highly dynamic and expressive. Vary your voice to support the emotion you are expressing, for example, quicken the pace to show delight, excitement, or humour; drift off into a whisper to demonstrate empathy or trust; break the voice appropriately to show surprise or doubt; go gritty to express disgust; slow the pace to emphasize certain ideas; pause when you’re about to transition to another idea to give the listener time to absorb the message; raise volume gradually as you build toward a point; lower the volume for an aside; end questions on a higher note, etc. © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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An expressive voice that carries emotion and transports the other person to a world he or she only dreams about has a more enduring impact than whispering in husky voice tones or other equally pathetic attempts by men to convey “sexiness.” Most men only manage to come across as lazy or bored, creepy and scary, rather than “sexy” and “cool.” For women, shifting and changing voice qualities goes beyond the “fragile” cat-like Marilyn Monroe vocal variety that does not really befit today’s Ms. Independent— strong, smart, and self-realized. The most important thing to remember is that your voice is uniquely you—being yourself is vital. People want to hear your voice because it is you, not you trying to be someone else. If you want the other person to feel your sensitivity, take more interest in understanding where he or she is coming from rather than trying to achieve agreement or to change his or her mind . . .

The more each person feels heard, listened to, and understood, the greater the emotional bond, cooperation, and stability in the relationship. One of the biggest mistakes we make in seduction communication is that we approach a man or woman thinking we’re not only right in our views, beliefs, and outlook on life, but that we also know for sure what all men or all women think, believe, do, or say. We’ve developed theories, explanations, reasons, and the likes that have us believing we’ve figured it all out. And we think that because we’ve read the book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” we know everything about men-women communication. Usually we’re wrong. This might explain why our interactions with the opposite sex often go so badly. When you approach seduction thinking you already “know” or can accurately predict the other person’s behaviour, you will tend to be more concerned with being right and making sure the other person agrees with you or changes their mind to agree with what you think, like, or want to happen. You will tend to talk mostly about yourself, but more than that, you also will be prone to mixing up facts with feelings, and feelings with intentions. © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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For instance, the other person may say something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up—the hairs you can handle, or so you tell yourself. But the reality is that your mind puts a guard up and goes into the fight or flight mode. And since you’re caught by surprise, you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex communication crisis in real time—no books and no coaches to pump you full of nifty ideas. You may try really hard to control and hold your feelings and emotions, only for them to tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots. If you’ve ever said or done things that make perfect sense in the moment, but later on seem, well . . . stupid, then you know what I am talking about. Instead of projecting your own feelings and ideas onto the other person, try to contemplate their internal world to their scale and in their image and senses. Ask, “What was that like?” or “How did that make you feel?” etc. Without asking, you’ll never know. And instead of assuming that the other person’s experience, reality, preferences, goals, desires, and expectations are the same as your own, accept that you don’t know what the other person’s motivations are, because, chances are, you don’t. This way of communicating is so engaging that the other person may not even realize the entire dialogue has been about him or her. Any success you might achieve in bonding with another person will eventually appear shallow if it does not include open-mindedness, a flow of mutual respect, and a willingness to learn about the other person’s point of view. So listen very carefully, be interested in the person in front of you—what they do, what they say, what they like—it shows them you have taken an interest in them and they in turn will take more interest in you. If you want to motivate a person to be fully engrossed in the process, draw him or her in to co-create and fill in the blanks . . .

Drawing in, seeking co-operation, and co-creating a mutual experience is crucial for seduction to be pleasurable for both parties. Personally, I’ve

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change how you say it, change the chemistry found that two-way “call-and-response” creative communication can enhance the experience for all, resulting in great memories. “Call-and-response” communication is a spontaneous verbal and nonverbal creative interactive style in which a speaker deliberately elicits spontaneous interjections from the listener in an ongoing interaction. Calls or responses can be expressed verbally, non-verbally, musically, or through dance. To illustrate to participants in my workshops what this entails, I always like to give the example of a traveling African storyteller. The storyteller sits in the center of the village and says, “I’m going to tell you a story,” and the people say, “Right.” Next she says, “Not everything in the story is true.” They say, “Right.” But then the storyteller says, “Not everything in the story is false, either.” Again the people say, “Right.” She begins to tell the story. A few minutes into the story she pauses and artfully whispers, “Not everything in the story is true,” and the people softly respond, “Not everything in the story is false, either.” Enthusiastic engagement continues throughout the telling of the story. Sometimes she whispers, “Not everything in the story is true/false,” other times she sings, and other times she stands up and shouts out loud. The audience responds to her in kind. She is able to create a special atmosphere that increases curiosity, suspense, and a sense of challenge. She arouses her audience to a certain point with provocative glimpses as well as the enticement of secretly hidden information. She allows the story to dwell upon things that are intrinsically implied so the mind has time to impregnate itself with a sense of expectation, beauty, and mystery. She also negotiates with the listeners to seek out more from the union of sensation, reason, and intuition. In this way, the audience becomes a co-creator of the art. This is in deep contrast to our daily matter-of-fact one-person-rants that are heavy on unnecessary detail and rather flat on response. It’s like playing “hardball” where the one who is doing the talking just keeps on running, never looking back. How many times have you walked away from a date thinking, “Wow! That was the bomb!” only for you to call the next day and hear the person say there was “no spark.”

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change how you say it, change the chemistry If you want to make sure the other person’s emotional experience is not different from yours, draw him or her to become fully engrossed in the shower of mutual sparks . . .

There has to be some kind of dynamic, timely, and authentic interaction where anything can (and should) happen. One way to do this is by bringing to the conversation some kind of “suggestive spaces”; spaces that can be filled in by the listener in a number of ways, and that invite and encourage participation without dictating it. The best “suggestive spaces” are simple and do not require a lot of thinking and planning. It can be anything as simple as a trivia question, a catchy phrase or tongue-in-cheek witticism. Don’t settle for other people’s commonly overused phrases, instead seek to be extraordinary. Make your own phrases in your own original words—something unique, something that someone will hear and think, “This is a fresh viewpoint,” or “This is an extraordinary way to look at the world,” or “This is different!” In my dating days, one of my favourite phrases was, “Life is fragile, handle me with care.” We’d be deeply engrossed in conversation about some hardships in our lives or something equally absorbing and to break the mood, I’d simply say, “Life is fragile, handle me with care.” After three of four times, all I would have to say is “Life is fragile…” and the guys would join in “handle me with care.” Interestingly many of the guys always remembered this about me and many of them “handled me with care.” This is an interesting way of provoking thought and, hopefully, moving hearts. Unlike the kind of seduction that aims to strike a devastating disconnection between the seducer and the seducee, this way of seducing liberates the seducee once he or she realizes there is no pressure and no need to become suspicious, distrustful, or antagonistic. Their decision to participate in the seduction process is based on choice and will, not on manipulation and control. They are intrinsically motivated to “play” along by the rewards of intellectual, emotional, psychological, physical, or sensory stimulation.

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TURNING UP THE HEAT The ability to hold, tease, and intrigue another person’s mind ecstatically opens you up to the possibilities of new and previously unimagined grace and charm. And whomever you decide to share yourself with will be the richer.

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nusualness, unexpectedness, suspense, unpredictability, and intrigue—these are the qualities that give the art of seduction that dark, mysterious, and in-your-bones delight and sense of enchantment. Without it, it’s just another “Yeah-yeah-right; next.” Our fascination with the unusual, the unpredictable, and the challenging, is an integral part of our human nature. The brain by its very nature, actively wants to make “rational sense” of everything; it wants to know (Is something going to happen?), figure out a logical course (I think it’s going to happen like this), and be pleasantly surprised (It can’t be true. I can’t believe it happened. How did I not see it coming?). If the human mind is not challenged, it won’t be bothered. People love those who can artfully string them along and keep them entertained, amused, fascinated, and anticipating . . .

You can’t do that if you’re spending too much time explaining to them what they already know. As children we didn’t enjoy playing hide-andseek with those who hid in plain sight. A majority of us still don’t enjoy the company of someone who isn’t creative and spontaneous, or isn’t much of “a challenge.” We get easily bored and disengage. The secret is to show the other person that you are different and interesting by balancing apparent planned cleverness with playfulness, and © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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turning up the heat sometimes plain old silliness. Whether it is the journey or the end, the experience has to be unusual, unpredictable, challenging, and pleasurable. As long as the other person feels the experience is unusual, unexpected, unpredictable, challenging, and pleasurable in some way, he or she will see it as valuable. The catch is that you have to be genuinely interesting, trustworthy, and believable. Every lingering look, every expression, every body move you make should make him or her wonder what makes you tick and what’s going on in your “sexy” head. You also must have a sense of humour, subtlety, and depth of feeling. That way you are not just throwing in cheap tricks or memorized scripts like most players often do. They say “time flies when you’re having fun,” so don’t hurry, explore and maximize the use of the moment —no matter how fleeting . . .

The real art of seduction is not about saying and doing the “right” thing in the right place, but rather leaving something unsaid or undone at the most tempting moment. Don’t give everything away at once; hold something back. Feed it to him or her slowly. Use words that have a wider range of possible meanings, dwell on them, and allow fresh meanings to emerge in the process. The point is to sustain a concentrated tension that keeps him or her on edge as you move toward the “climax” or resolution. Even something as simple as the answer to the question “What is your name?” can become creatively dramatic if, instead of blurting out your name, you say something like, “If I tell you my name, will you marry me?,” or “Promise I will not regret this?” or “What would you like it to be?” Probe emotions, experiment a bit with gestures and involve all of his/her senses by describing physical feelings and emotions, sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and texture. But keep in mind that different people have varying levels of tolerance for suspense and the unpredictable. There are people with an adventurous temperament who wake up each day excited by what the unknown will bring them. They enjoy a certain amount of uncertainty and find inspiration and delight in pretty much everywhere and in everything. And then there are those who would rather wake up, call up the psychic network, and call it a day. They just don’t like to be kept in perpetual expectation and will get nervous, frustrated, and even annoyed.

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turning up the heat The surprise element or “shock” effect is a plus as long as the surprise element promotes pleasurable anticipation rather than uneasiness . . .

The goal of cultivated anticipation is to bring a dramatic element into the interaction. The “shock” effect acts to stimulate pleasurable anticipation which can be enjoyed in and of itself and can act as a ticket to a pleasant emotional roller coaster ride. This is one of my favourite approaches to creating a “shock effect.” Once the person has given you the go ahead to approach him or her and you’ve established that there is some chemistry there, out of nowhere, say something like, “I am going to seduce you.” Your reaction is probably, “Why should I tell someone I am going to seduce him or her? It doesn’t make sense.” My point exactly, it doesn’t make rational sense, it is unusual, and will leave him or her open-mouthed (metaphorically) with disbelief. Telling someone you are going to seduce him or her is in incongruous to what the person would normally expect. It arouses that person’s imagination, excites his or her curiosity, and holds the mind in languishing suspense. Poised between the yet unrealized pleasure and a fait accompli, the mind will want to know “What does this mean?” “How will this be accomplished?” “What is his or her next move?” “How will I feel?” “Will I enjoy it?” and “Will he or she be successful in seducing me?” The mind starts processing any information it receives more intently and meaningfully in an attempt to elicit clues and make “sense” of things. Ordinary things begin to look, sound, smell, and feel different, and sometimes even better than before. The “better than before” depends on the existing level of chemistry between two people. What is great about this is that the person feels like they’re part of the whole unfolding process of seduction and are happy to be let in on the game. And just because they know they are being seduced doesn’t mean the experience will no longer be fun. As long as the experience keeps delivering on its promises and making new challenges and new experiences, then all the better. But the final seduction is all about you. You need to be confident that you can deliver. You cannot be a successful seducer if you can’t deliver on it.

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Playfulness and teasing—if these can be separated—is one sure way of being intentionally very fascinating and even amusing . . .

I know, I know. Most people don’t like the idea of “teasing.” It’s uncomfortable. Some people have a particularly negative view of teasing, focusing almost exclusively on its hurtful side—bullying, victimization, and sexual harassment. And I agree that when people who feel insecure and do not feel good about themselves tease anyone at all, their actions generate anxiety, pain, and embarrassment and can create isolation. Sometimes such people push the boundaries on to hurtfulness, plain rudeness, or sleaziness. Some others mistake sarcasm for playful teasing and often think they are being witty. They forget that wit is meant to amuse, not abuse. On the other hand, if you’re overly sensitive and “touchy”, you will not be able to handle even a little playful teasing. And if you don’t have your self-image and insecurities in check, you are destined to keep attracting hurtful or spiteful people who do not feel good about themselves and who will cause feelings of anxiety, pain, and embarrassment and who will confirm that you are victim. In fact, even playful teasing will almost certainly hurt you if you don’t have your inner game together. When done in good nature and playfully, teasing can break the ice, increase pleasure in experimentation, increase risk in trying new ideas, and ignite one little spark of attraction into a fire that is too much for him or her to ignore. For example, let’s say you are at a party and you see a man or woman you’d really like to get to know, and he or she is showing interest. You could walk up to him or her and say, “Why do I have a feeling this is déjà vu?” Let’s say he or she asks, “What do you mean?” You could reply, “You flirting with me like that.” He or she might then say, “You’re kidding, right?” If you are caught up in the “teasing is bad” way of thinking, you might think, “This is going to backfire” and end up losing the crucial moment

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turning up the heat that could change your life forever. A more experienced teaser will pick up on the little spark of interest and create additional fascination and interest. For example, when he or she says “You’re kidding, right?” tell him or her, “No, I am not. It’s obvious that you’re flirting with me.” To which they might reply “No. I am not. What makes you think I am flirting with you?” To a guy you can say, “That thing you just did with your belt. That is totally flirting.” And to a woman can say, “That thing you just did with your hair. That is totally flirting.” The point I am trying to make is that when it seems obvious that you should start acting like a clingy bug or throw a toddler tantrum, that’s when you should lean back and act as if you have all the time in the world. Tapping into that special “sexual tension” between the sexes can show him or her you know how to handle yourself with charm and confidence ...

Let’s say you agreed to meet someone on a date, your very first date. Let’s assume you’re smart enough to start a conversation. You might start with, “What do you do for a living?” He or she tells you what he or she does and then asks, “And what do you do?” Tell him or her you’ve just been fired from your job and you only agreed to go out on a date with him or her because you were hoping he or she’s rich and would be able to support you. And let’s say he or she answers with “Well, I can support you, but you’re going to have to do all the housework.” Please don’t say something like “Okay, I can do that”; and end the interesting build-up of emotions. When a man or woman throws a word at you, grab it, transform it, make it into an interesting banter. Say “Sorry, I can’t. I am very traditional and believe that husbands/wives should do all the housework.” He or she might then ask, “And what do you do when I bring home the bread and do all the housework as well?” Say, “I haven’t really figured that out yet, and please stop nagging me. You are just like my ex.” At this point he or she might raise eyebrows as if to say “You’re unbelievable.” Feign disappointment and say, “You just screwed it all up for yourself, and now I am going to have to divorce you and take half of your money.” You might even add, “I hope you have a damn good lawyer.”

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turning up the heat The more you can show him or her that you are comfortable, playful, and know how to handle yourself, the easier it’s going to be for him or her to feel comfortable and relaxed and for the encounter, however brief, to be fun and memorable. In just about every situation and opportunity, find ways to entertain, amuse, and fascinate the person you have your eyes on . . .

Here is another example. While waiting in a slow-moving long line you could say, “Time sure flies when you’re having fun.” Or, you might see the person in a store and he or she looks like they are trying to make up their mind about something they want to buy. You can walk up to him or her and say, “You really should change your mind. The other one may look/work better.” If you’re more confident in your skills and charm you can say, “It’s awful, how could you have bought that glitzy thing? Well, it certainly is colourful.” Here is one of my favourites. Let’s say that you are about to kiss for the first time; if you’ve been waiting for this all evening, the temptation to cling onto his or her lips like a vacuum can be great—don’t. Just when you are about to kiss, gently push him or her away, shaking your head and saying, “You’re trouble, I can’t do this. I’d go completely nuts and want to kiss you every day and right now I am not sure I’ll even see you tomorrow.” Remember this, when you playfully tease, make it completely obvious to the other person that you are teasing him or her, otherwise without the obvious playful attitude you will both miss the point. The ability to “playfully tease” another person is contingent on a high level of self-confidence and natural spontaneity. Hesitation and clumsiness might interfere with the effect you are trying to create and the appeal you are trying to project might not shine through. On the other hand, cracking too many jokes and clowning around will turn off rather than turn someone on. Tantalizing him or her with your “expert” knowledge of a subject, especially if that subject has some sexual innuendo, can ease the way into more intimate matters . . .

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Sex is always at the background of any conversation between a man and a woman, even when we are not consciously thinking about it. The reason most people are not able to relax and enjoy this tantalizing subject is because very, very few of us have resolved or reconciled the discords and confusions of our powerful instinctive sexual drives, urges, fantasies, desires, thoughts, and sensations. Of those who are insightful enough to perceive the mystical code of their sexuality, few are able to communicate, express, manifest, or self-disclose in healthy ways that bring happiness, joy, and fulfillment into all aspects of their mental, physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual lives. There is a saying, “If you poke it, you should own it.” Many of us avoid talking about anything sexual altogether because we don’t want to be perceived as being “obsessed” with sex. To the opposite sex we come across as boring, logically stalwart, and “sexually uptight.” A few who try to seduce using sexual innuendo often come across as bubbly, over-promising and full-of-themselves. To the opposite sex this screams “insecure” or “inexperienced” sexual delusional. Men and women who have mastered the refined use of sexual innuendo (and sometimes the skillful use of body language) to indirectly convey a message are mostly people who know what they’ve got and can actually deliver on the promise. They are interesting to the opposite sex because they have that most sought after trait—the ability to make others laugh while demonstrating meaning and value. Sexual innuendo and teasing that barely hides the interest and affection beneath the surface plays a big part in driving sexual attraction . . .

Sexual innuendo can be an effective way of easing the way into an exchange where you can find out about each other’s sexual attitudes, interests, desires, dreams, and preferences, without causing embarrassment. It can also be away of testing the limits of a relationship, or rekindling passion in relationship that is losing its spark. In the name of good taste, be sure to adopt the “less is more” mentality; saying something, but not too much. A range of subtle words, phrases, © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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turning up the heat sentences, and comments that can be interpreted in two or more ways, an exaggerated tone of voice, elongated vowels, unusual facial expressions, a little laugh just before or after the “sexual innuendo,” all signal to the other person that you are just being playfully yourself and not trying to solicit for sex. Keep in mind that an innuendo is always enjoyable and delightful when the other person does not see it coming but is open and receptive. There is a fine and fleeting line between using “sexual innuendo” to entertain, amuse and fascinated someone and using it as harassment, sex solicitation, and plain lewdness . . .

Men and women respond differently to sexual innuendoes and sexual teasing. Women tend to get hurt, embarrassed, and often put off by men who are constantly talking about nothing but sex all the time. Men on the other hand, tend to become sexually aroused quicker than women when sexual innuendos are flowing thick and fast. Nonetheless, both men and women enjoy a little “sexual innuendo.” Women will tend to focus on male sexual habits, sexual over-readiness, and “excessive” desire, while men will focus on women’s physical characteristics, pretence that they are not sexually interested, and women’s innate ability to confuse men and get them really mixed-up. As with everything else, this is not something you can learn by mastering a few scripted words. If you really want to master the use of sexual innuendo (which you should because a little sexual innuendo keeps the fire burning), the first thing to do is to be at home with your sexual nature. Your harmony with yourself enhances your instinctive ability to know how far you can go, what you can and cannot say at any given moment. If it’s done correctly, you walk away feeling better about yourself. If things are interesting rather than boring and predictable, you’re halfway toward building attraction . . .

A lot of single men and women, even married couples, assume a date has to be “old fashioned”—you know, the dinner and movie thing. That was over in the early eighties. Do something really fun, hysterical, or wild,

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turning up the heat something out of the box like eat unusual dishes in unusual places; go to the gym together and get sweaty together; take your dogs for a stroll in the park (hmm, talk about puppy love); go roller-skating and fall over each other and roll in the snow—laugh; help him or her move (and who knows, soon it’ll be your turn to move in); go for a drive in the country, take turns driving, tease each other on your driving, stop at some unusual eatery and grab something to eat; etc. The point is, just do something unusual and unpredictable, whatever that is. Make your time together so inspiring that he or she will want to spend the rest of his or her life having the ride of a lifetime! Be someone who can co-create such a lifetime. All relationships, no matter the genre, can benefit from little amounts of suspense, unpredictability, and intrigue. It doesn’t always have to be in the form “head games,” “sexual tension,” or “pull/push” dynamics. It can be much simpler, much less dramatic, yet still show the other person how creative, different, and interesting you can be.

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THE RHYTHMIC AURA OF A DANCER/MUSICIAN Anyone can become a desired sex partner by giving him/herself a musician or dancer’s rhythmical aura - invite interested partners with ease, move the man or woman you have your eyes on, make him or her feel what you feel, inspire him other to want to come to you, want to become you, together with you.

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or decades, people have come up with all sorts of jumbled explanations for musicians’ and dancers’ uncontested sexual appeal—individual creativity, symmetry, motor control, self-confidence, social status, influence, etc. Ancient African teachings have a very simple explanation. Musicians and dancers are some of the most desired sex partners because they appear to live a rhythm that closely matches the rhythm of their inner being. This is a simple, powerful but overlooked concept.

According to ancient wisdom, rhythm is at the heart of creation. The universe has a beat, pulse, or rhythm that vibrates on all levels and penetrates into every miniscule space and life form. We are all born with and are aware of this universal rhythm and beat moving through and into every last cell of our bodies. It is the beat that excites and stirs human nature. It stirs us—stabilizing the heartbeat, soothing the mind, electrifying the flesh and causing arousal. It regulates emotions, feelings, mood, temperament, nerves, reactions, coordination, resistance to and recovery from illness, creativity, and even affections and human interactions. When a musician or dancer hears sounds (which if we are tuned to the rhythm of the universe we also hear all the time), they naturally transform these outer sounds into their own inner rhythms and respond to the urge for external expression—singing, humming, chanting, whistling, swaying, © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician jumping, clapping, dancing, bouncing, etc. Some people are so attuned to their inner rhythms—at one with the drum in the heart—that they don’t even need to hear sound to express this pulse externally. More than that, they seem to have the ability to communicate their inner primal and raw emotions in ways that move the rest of us who hear their music or watch them dance. Their emotional abandon transports us into their creative worlds in ways that leave an imprint on us. How often have you said “this is my song,” or heard someone say “this is our song!” We feel what the musician or dancer feels, become one with them, and together with them. These feelings are gripping, often irresistible, and seem to emerge from nowhere. The music makes us oblivious of ourselves, makes us forget our circumstances in life, if just for a fleeting moment; transfers us into another place, not theirs, not our own, but somewhere else. We swing from one primal emotion to another, from one state to another, but why are we doing it? Most of us don’t know why. The universe has rhythm that sets the stage for its behaviour and therefore our own . . .

Ancient African wisdom teaches us that the rhythm of the universe and the rhythm within us are rarely isolated. We respond to this “harmony of rhythm” by making music and moving our bodies in response to what we hear in the natural world and inside us; thus listening itself (including meditation and reflection), is a simultaneous process of hearing and speaking with the natural world and universe. In these ancient teachings, we cannot just be “listening” because listening itself is “speaking.” We don’t just listen with our physical ears or speak with our physical mouths, we listen with our whole beings, with every sense awakened and every molecule in the body alive and vibrating. When we are engaged and connected with our rhythmical self we do not need to hear external sounds or verbalize sounds, we have our own song within to hum and bounce with it. This relationship of “listening” and “speaking” with the universe at all times creates a space within us where we feel safe and accepted by the world around us. When we feel connected in this way, we are more at ease, strong, healthy, content, and happy. We take a more relaxed attitude

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician to our daily lives no matter what type of situation we are faced with because we know we can go to the universe for love, support, energy, and companionship. A person who maintains a “listening” and “speaking” relationship with the universe has a heightened awareness that is naturally relaxed, cheerful, peaceful, and calm. It’s the kind of enviable calm awareness and sense of “belonging” we see in wild animals in their natural habitat. This is the same kind of relaxed cheerful awareness we see in young children and the contented harmonious awareness regained by old wise men and women, and almost all “enlightened” men and women. It’s hard to miss it—it’s in the pitch and tone of the voice and in every movement of the body. African ancient wisdom further teaches us that our relationships with one another replicates this natural process of rhythmic intake and processing, listening and speaking, engaging and connecting. Our shared rhythmic heritage helps us build and maintain our relationships. By “sharing the beat” of life, we spontaneously co-create rhythmic exchanges and variations which allow us to share our feelings and intentions, be attentive and sympathetic to others, and anticipate each other’s expressions. When this capacity is hampered, the flow of communication is compromised and our relationships are strained; we experience opposition, antipathy, and disharmony because we are “off beat” and “out of sync” with each other’s rhythm. The thing about rhythm is that you can tell or see whether somebody is rhythmic or not, whether they’re coordinated or not . . .

Many of us fail in our seduction attempts and relationships because we’ve lost the ability to vibrate with our primordial rhythm and therefore the ability to synchronize our speech patterns with our body movements. For most of us, this happens during the early childhood years. We were trained early in life to isolate ourselves from our primordial rhythmic self and in a way, lost our connection to the universal rhythm. We learned from our parents—and were trained—to speak in very controlled voice patterns that limit variation in pitch and intensity. We also learnt to distrust our bodily responses and restrict our body movements and gestures.

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician As we lost trust in our primordial rhythmic self, we also lost the feeling of safety and acceptance by the natural world around us. Most of us can hear and even feel the beat inside of us but somehow are completely and utterly incapable of expressing what we feel. Even when we attend music appreciation classes, learn about the formal structure of different classical styles, become skilled at analyzing melodic lines and learn to skilfully play a musical instrument, our body responses to sound remains awkward, confused, tense, delayed, or echoed. We fail to easily and naturally “engage” the other’s primal rhythm because our ability to express our own distinctive rhythm or “inner pulse” which is the essence of who we are is limited. The expression of our unique personal identity is an important characteristic of sexual attraction, but for many of us, it seems as if this identity is essentially “frozen,” making it difficult and near impossible for us to outwardly express our inner vibrancy and communicate our distinctive individual uniqueness. Rhythmic attunement gives the art of seduction direction and flow . . .

The crucial role of rhythm is not limited to self-expression and sexual attraction but extends to our ability to tune into the rhythms of others, in other words, “share the beat.” In other words, social skill does not exist separately from our own self-expression. The capacity to vibrate with our primordial rhythm is directly related to the expression of social skills— when we “move with the flow,” “get on the same wavelength,” “keep up with the pace,” “engage in the dance of courtship,” etc. When we disconnect or fail to vibrate with our primordial rhythms, we rightly feel we are “moving in different directions,” “not in the same wavelength,” “disengaged,” “off beat”, or “out of sync” with the rhythms of others Rhythmical synchronization is considered by many ancient and indigenous cultures as both the fast track to an emotional connection and the acid test of any relationship—we’ve all seen or at least heard of persons who share a rhythm. At first sight, even before two people realize what is happening, others in their company will notice a rhythmic synchrony in

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician their movements and actions. One leans on the right elbow and the other follows suit, one uncrosses his or her legs and the other does the same at the same time, and soon, more body parts join the mating dance until the two are dancing as one. This is not done consciously or deliberately; it is not something we think about, it just happens, at least for some of us. Various findings from psychological and phonetics research have revealed that human interactions involve a subtle and largely unseen dance in which the rhythm in a speaker’s utterances is not only precisely synchronized with movements of the speaker’s body but readily synchronized with corresponding movements of the listener’s body. Speaker and listener are engaged in intricate and synchronized rhythmic movements that last as long as they remain alert and engaged with each other. Because rhythmical synchronization is almost entirely unconscious, it is especially challenging when it comes to the art of seduction which has simultaneous rhythms all going on at the same time—everything from disjointed thoughts, some of which are repeated over and over, to images which come, go, and blend with each other; from memories of a painful past to dreams of a desired future; from feelings of love to sexual desire and arousal—all of these exist and can be happening simultaneously. When our capacity to “vibrate with,” “move with the flow,” “get on the same wavelength,” and “keep up with the pace” is highly developed, we can easily feel what others around us are feeling. We feel in depth, how and why they do what do and are who they are. We appreciate them as responsive and complex beings because we understand our own responsiveness and complexity. Accordingly, we are more able to create feelings of “connectedness” and pace our interactions because we can easily pump ourselves up or down a notch to mirror what the other is feeling at any given moment, thereby creating multiple simultaneous experiences for our dates or spouses. Our interactions feel natural, relaxed, and poised, making it easier to sustain a living, ongoing event. When our rhythmic sense is weak, hindered, held back, or vulnerable, we find that our interactions follow an entirely unimaginative pattern consisting of a series of monotonic speech patterns compensated by a high degree of repetition and redundancy. This is when you find that you really © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician have to try hard and hang in there just to sustain an ongoing event. That is also when seducing a man or woman really becomes hard work. Most of the time, you end up creating unnecessary stress, opposition, antipathy, and disharmony instead of flow and rhythm. The good news is that you can easily escape from all that dreariness in male-female interactions by simply tuning in to the rhythm of human interaction. Here’s how: 1. Develop rhythmic awareness and sensitivity to what you are experiencing . . .

Rhythmic awareness is not something you learn in a course, seminar, from book, or from someone else because it is a deeply personal matter. It’s something you feel inside. Others may be able to help you move a certain way, but only you can dance your dance. I’ve found this wonderful exercise for relearning to listen and dance to your “beat” a very effective tool for my clients, especially in loosening up the body and its rigid patterns. It can be used by just about anyone without any conflict with your faith or beliefs. It is very interesting to see what happens. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and firmly planted on the ground, knees slightly bent, and either hand hanging loosely by your side or resting on your hips. You may or may not close your eyes. Now, relax the shoulders, hips, neck, face, genitals, and anus. Slowly move the body in small circular movements while following the rhythm of the drum in the chest (heartbeat). Start from the shoulders, as if you are drawing small circles down to the base of the spine. Allow the body to move freely and feel the beat of your heart coursing through the body. Try to feel rather than think. When you feel not just your heart thumping but your entire being pulsating, start clapping your hands or stomping your feet to the rhythm or beat.

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician With knees bent, feet firmly on the ground and keeping the beat, begin drawing circles with the stomach, waist, hips, pelvis and genitals. If you feel resistance from the hips and genitals, don’t stop to worry about it, just keep moving clockwise and anticlockwise whichever way the body wants to go. Don’t force it to go one particular direction, just move in circles. Continue drawing the circles with the thighs and then the knees. Next, include the neck and head. If you feel a tremble coming, allow it, feel it and let it go. Keep drawing the circles until you become the circle. Do it for ten minutes and then allow your body to come to a standstill. You may feel or experience a timeless quality and blissful feeling. The longer you do it, the more intense the experience. Do the dance/exercise as often as you like. Put some music on, something with a distinct drum beat or a fast rhythmic beat, something that inspires you to move spontaneously. Keep dancing until you feel completely free (and wild!) or pass out from blissful exhaustion. The whole point is to be able to listen and hear the rhythms that are vibrating inside you. When you’re listening to your own rhythm you’ll know exactly where the currents are, where the momentum is taking you, and what you’ll accomplish in terms of authentic self-expression. You’ll discover how to place trust in the kinaesthetic sense of what feels right in any given situation (sense of balance), adding luminosity and vibrancy to all you do and say. 2. Open yourself up to the power and presence of being fully in tune with others . . .

Human emotions are really fragile and unless you understand the pace and rhythm of these emotions, you’ll be in jeopardy, not only of failing to light the flame, but of destroying even the little spark of interest that was there in the beginning. Human emotions such as fear, impatience, worry, hatred, pride, vanity, lust, envy, self-doubt, selfishness, jealousy, and frustration—disrupt, block, and destroy our inner beat-to-beat rhythm. When you’re scared, anxious, worried, angry, or upset you can literally feel your heartbeat tak-

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician ing on a chaotic and uneven pattern. It becomes physically impossible to think or speak clearly; your reaction time and responses becomes overwhelmed, hectic, frantic, paranoid, delayed, or echoed. Persons who have no ability to “vibrate with” their own inner rhythm or “move with the flow” of another’s inner rhythms may react with inappropriate emotional outbursts, or become so animated and frank that they say things that are disagreeable and offending; others react with flattery, defensiveness, timidity, and cowardice to the point where everybody takes advantage of them and even despises them. When we are feeling confident, secure, appreciative, and involved with all the senses including intuition, we are open and willing to feel deeply and express those emotions and feelings completely. When we feel deeply and express ourselves openly, we draw others to us. For some reason humans are emotionally moved by other people’s emotions. Our emotions draw out corresponding emotions and body language from others. If the other person is narrating an experience in which they felt sad, our faces will naturally show pain. If they smile or laugh, we smile and laugh too. The other person also finds it easier to relax and feel at ease around us. The people we feel relaxed, secure, and confident around, are the people we are attracted to. And when we learn each other’s rhythms, we can easily modify our reactions to fit those rhythms. If she is feeling tired and needs to go home, you will not insist on prolonging the date; and if he does not feel like talking about some particular event in his life, you will not insist on hearing about it. Obviously this is more than mechanically mirroring someone else’s body language—lean on the right elbow when he or she leans on the left, shift posture to match his/her posture, etc. This is an internal monitoring process of deeply listening and feeling the other’s emotional rhythm. It is being able to pick up an actual “emotion” in another’s utterances and synchronized or corresponding movements, but more importantly, being able to pick up the change of emotion from one moment to another. The same way we pick up the change of emotions in a musician’s song and their flow of emotions, our date’s, lover’s or spouse’s emotions become “our emotions” and their song “our song.”

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician The delicate moment when one emotion changes to another cannot be so easily seen with physiological eyes, and for the most part this delicate shift has been unnoticed by many people, including “body language experts” who continue to promote an artificial and mechanized understanding of how interaction synchrony and rhythmical synchronization really works. Mechanically mirroring someone else’s body language (physiological synchrony) is like learning how to dance by counting steps and performing routines without the “passion” that surges from the wellspring of the soul. You will learn dance moves alright, but fail to cast a spell over your dancing partner (and the audience), because the dance is mechanical, dry, and disconnected from the “passion” of the dance. And there is nothing less appealing than watching a dancer expressing uneasiness. If you care enough about someone, you will sense when your heart is beating in tune with the other person’s. For those who recognize it, those who really get it, it’s like a light switching from off to on with the “click” audible to the intuition. 3. Get the timing right . . .

Just like in any dance, timing is everything, even more importantly than moves or steps. Choosing the correct time to act is critical to the success of seduction. This is not merely a matter of deciding what particular instant is the right moment to make a move, rather it is intuitively “sensing” the other person’s needs and potential and then setting a course that fully captures the current chemistry, spark of interest, or connection. Knowing when to move requires understanding how to use all of the senses, isolate each sense seduce it, then blend them together in various combinations, building up a sensation to a “high” and then bringing it down to a gradual “low” that sets the stage for a new build-up to the next “high.” Being able to “play” with the senses creates a million possibilities and opportunities for seduction to become a mutually gratifying and bonding experience. It allows the other person to join the flow of things with a smooth rhythmic ease and efficiency, and with coordination of thought, emotion, and action.

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician When you are completely tuned in, you will know when your personal “timing” is off, similar to how a dancer or musician will feel when his or her timing is off. You will know you are missing the beat, hitting too soon, or too late. For example: ¾

You find it hard to find common points of interest, whether personal or professional. ¾ You are overwhelmed, confused, and anxious most of the time. ¾ The other person is not showing genuine interest in trying to make a connection. ¾ You feel like you are hitting a dead wall. When this occurs, the best course is to pull back, listen to your own personal rhythm, see where you feel a block in your own flow and connect with your rhythmical and emotional self first. Resist the strong temptation to rationalize what’s going on and to blame the other person. This often creates tension in the body and in your voice. 4. Accentuate your rhythmic aura by learning how to dance . . .

So many men and women are being subconsciously invited into the dance of courtship without consciously knowing it. In the moment and throughout the phases of courtship there is a rhythmic force that develops between people. Sometimes it’s slow and laid-back, and other times it’s fast and furious. Sometimes it’s impulsive and playful and other times it’s thoughtful and empathetic; and sometimes it’s bold and exuberant and other times coy and provocative. Then there are times when it’s conscious and deliberate, or unconscious and seemingly unintentional. As I explained in Chapter 8 of this book, dancing is a form of unconscious training in the language of rhythmic synchrony. Dance in every guise, be it called a game, play, or amusement, arouses strong passions and deep emotions in all living creatures. In itself, dance is a cost-free and easy form of interaction that connects people in an emotionally primal way. This is why dance is the most fascinating pastime of all civilizations. Its ability to churn out ecstasy is inexplicable and incomparable to any other form of intoxication. It is precisely because of its euphoria-generating quality that

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the rhythmic aura of a dancer/musician dance is cherished by many and feared by some as an enticement to the irrational and primal. The more you’re able to feel connected to and rooted in your own body, the more conscious you become of the wide range of body repertoire that makes you attractive to the opposite sex, and the more sexually appealing you are. It’s not just the expressive body that can sense these primal desires and communicate warmth, sensitivity, confidence, and strength; if you are tuned in, you are more sensitive to the variations in voice tone, pitch, inflection, and can sense and express passion, confidence, enthusiasm, sensitivity, intelligence, and maturity more freely. By tuning in to the “rhythm” of human interaction, you learn how to electrify your experiences or relationships in ways that leave you and your date or spouse, feeling connected, at ease, strong, healthy, content, and happy.

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KEEPING IN TOUCH If you want more touch in your life, you must risk reaching out to touch. Sometimes you will be rejected, but the wholesome benefits from the times when you can find another sincere toucher, far outweigh the times of rejection.

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he sense of touch is a socially loaded sense and probably the most intimate and bonding of all senses. “Keep in touch” and “Let us not lose touch” we say to people we like. Something believed to be original or originating from a particular individual person is said to have “a personal touch.” And when we want to say a person is emotionally well-adjusted, we say he or she is “in-touch with” his or her true feelings. If our emotions are affected, we say something or someone “touched” us. And when referring to a spiritually moving experience we say it “touched my heart.” Touch is unique among the other senses in that it brings us in direct contact with the physical reality of a person or object. Its sense of “closeness” and immediacy enables us to interact with objects as well as sense their properties; and with people, to sense their unconscious thoughts, emotions, and intentions. In fact, research has shown that touch can sway even strangers, often without their conscious knowledge. When touched briefly, most people tend to temporary become more helpful, optimistic, compliant, and generous. The most intimate form of touching, sexual intercourse, takes this to the highest level by merging one’s whole being with another. Touch is our only active sense which is not purely receptive—we cannot touch without being touched . . .

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keeping in touch Whether it is an accidental touch in a crowded train, shaking hands, or giving a “simple” touch of appreciation, touch has a reciprocal influence on the person who initiates the touch as well as the persons who receives it. This specific double-sided characteristic makes it active and passive at the same time. By touching, we are letting ourselves be touched by what or whom we touch. A touch can at times supersede spoken words. When used appropriately, it can create a more direct message than dozens of words. It can add extended meaning to spoken communication and ensure continued attention. But used inappropriately, it can build barriers and cause mistrust. We experience the worst violation to our person when we are touched inappropriately or with violence, because touch always brings us into close—and potentially unpleasant, hurtful, and dangerous—encounters. Individuals who have had bad experiences of being touched in an inappropriate manner may react to touch with distressing feelings and emotions such as anxiety, fear, or nausea. A touch may trigger old memories which are not related to the intention or style of the current toucher. To touch and to be touched is essential to our physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being . . .

Touch is a primal need that we never outgrow, yet somehow we don’t touch each other often enough. We live in a culture where there is great fear of the body, the fear of being interested in another person’s body, of being sexual and sensuous. The consequence of this neurotic fear of the sexual is that we sexualize almost all forms of physical contact. So often, the desire for physical closeness gets misinterpreted as a desire for sex. Even an innocent handshake, if too prolonged, can be misread as having sexual connotations. Since people aren’t accustomed to physical contact, even hugging feels awkward, with people sticking their butts out so as not to touch crotches. This awkwardness has resulted in an exclusion of touch in many of our interpersonal exchanges, even to the point where we now consider touch to be of minor importance.

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keeping in touch Many of us suffer from mild forms of “touch” deprivation. As children we were not provided with the physical contact that makes children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own. “Touch” deprivation in our early years may also be affecting our ability to cope with stress, especially traumatic stress, causing us to be nervous and anxious. Touching is not optional, it is mandatory . . .

Touch is important to our well-being because it helps us live at our highest level of fulfillment. Touching and being touched can reassure us, relax us, heal us, comfort us, persuade us, and inflame us. Various studies have shown that people who have been stroked with a loving touch as children have tremendously better outcomes in life, are emotionally healthier, and well-adjusted. As adults they retain this need for body contact. They tend to stand or sit very close to others in such a way that physical contact is always possible. Arms are continually reaching out to make physical contact, to touch, to hold, to encircle, to caress, or to press against men, women, and children alike. They enjoy touching someone else’s body as well as touching their own bodies - such touch may or may not be of a sexual nature. These people score higher on the interpersonal scale, are better at understanding the needs of others, and are more trusting of other people’s motives and intentions. They are less anxious than most touchdeprived individuals, have less stress in their everyday lives and less tension in their relationships. They also show more satisfaction with their bodies and physical appearance. Touch significantly enhances our sense of being seen, heard, understood, and acknowledged . . .

Rather than something detached and separate, touch forms the permeable border between the physical body and its energy fields. This means that it is not just a physical event of flesh meeting flesh but also, and primarily, a transfer of subtle energies and sensitivities between bodies. When we directly touch someone’s physical body we are in turn indirectly penetrating beneath the skin and touching the energy aspect of the person with our presence, tone of voice, mood, appearance, body language, smell, and © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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keeping in touch even our intent. These are all things that register in the other person’s sense of us. Through touch we let our senses discover what can only be found between truly destined souls. Touch is, umm, touchy . . .

Touching is a highly personal experience. Not all individuals will necessarily respond to touch in the same way, even when it appears to be appropriate and supportive. Communication by touch is just as likely to be misinterpreted as spoken language. The intention and motivation of the person touching may not necessarily be similar or even identical with the message received by the person touched. We, often independently of the intentions of the person initiating the touch, construct a meaning to touch and respond based on the symbolic meaning we individually assign to the touch. The meanings we assign to being touched determine whether a touch will increase the sense of connection and trust or not. For example, a simple hug may be experienced as supportive, warm, encouraging, affirming, and calming by one person and as overwhelming, disrespectful, intrusive, or sexual harassment by another person. For some individuals, touching is a very integral form of non-verbal communication and a vital part of experiencing something or someone. Every time I go to a museum or art gallery, a curator comes over to tell me “not to touch” objects. It makes me feel silly and stupid because I seem to have enjoyed the object in a way that I was not supposed to. And you’d think that one or two “don’t touch” reprimands would freak the “touch and see” impulse out of me, but no, it’s so part of me that most of the time I do it subconsciously. I do not feel that I’ve really “seen” an object or person unless I’ve touched it or them. I often hug strangers, after asking them if it’s okay of course—which seems really weird in a culture where hugging strangers is not something everyone does—but it always ends up an incredibly positive experience. Most people love it. Touch is to an extent, culture-dependent . . .

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keeping in touch The meaning we individually assign to a touch is only one challenge in the ambiguous subjectivity of touch. In some cultures, touching is a common, accepted, and expected behaviour in social interactions and the expression of emotion. Some cultures—like the one I was raised in—hold the belief that like-minded people will hold hands, sit and walk with their arms round each other’s shoulders, and continue physical contact throughout an encounter or conversation. The more people touch each other, the more like-minded they are presumed to be. In other cultures, touch is tolerated but not something sought out. Forms of touch are mainly procedural, task related, controlled, and ritualized. If you’re going to go beyond a handshake or want to hug someone, you must first ask permission. Being referred to as “touchy” is seen as a reference to some kind of emotional weakness and people do not want to be around a “touchy” person. The rules in regards to when, with whom, which part of the body to touch, the duration of the touch, the amount of pressure to apply, and in what manner it’s okay to touch, are tacitly understood in each culture, with the interpretation of meaning dependant on what each culture considers polite. Across cultures, the boundaries may be completely different, and touching may result in misinterpretations of what is intended by the touch. Touching in the “wrong place” when one does not understand the touching behaviour of a particular culture can quickly undermine a relationship, and even cause irritation. Many of the interracial couples I work with and many of the emails on interracial dating and relationships I receive include a reference to touching. They range from white males asking why they can’t touch their black fiancée’s hair—“I am not allowed to touch or smell her hair. Not even look at it”; to black men complaining about their white girlfriends patting them on the head—“I don’t care how far we’ve come, it’s just too loaded.” Many other requests for advice mostly concern intimate touching—how much to touch, where to touch, what it means when one is touched a certain way, public displays of affection, etc. The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching has made many men and women so scared of touching . . .

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keeping in touch Many of us keep our hands to ourselves. Usually we don’t want to give the wrong impression, or to open ourselves to pain, or rejection. Some of us are aware of our own behaviours and reactions which oscillate between embarrassment and desire, the wish for closeness and the wish for distance, a majority are not. A majority of us rarely even think about touching someone else, let alone touching our own bodies. The more authoritarian, fanatically-religious, and rigid a person is, the more uncomfortable and suspicious he or she is with even brief physical contact with another person. In any encounter, touch-aversive people tend to keep at a distance in order to avoid any unintentional, involuntary, chance, or unexpected touching. Their sex lives, in general, are unsatisfactory. And when they try to use touch to increase intimacy, they either start by being way too intimate or go overboard so much that they come across as “creeps” if they’re men or “easy” if they are women. It is important to develop the habit of sharing physical contact as an end in itself . . .

Both men and women have difficulty conceptualizing touch as something that nourishes human-to-human contact without it being erotic. Generally, any kind of touch is often seen as the first step on the slippery slope towards sexual intercourse. So men and women who are not specifically interested in sexual contact or sexual intercourse at the time or with that person, tend to avoid touching to minimize the risk of having their intentions misunderstood. Flowing directly from this fear of being misunderstood, and as part of a risk management strategy, both genders tend to rigidly focus on and adhere to spoken word, verbally communicating their feelings and sensations by manipulating words where touch or some other non-verbal (more primitive) forms of communication, would have been more effective in creating intimacy. Many times, they don’t recognize when someone is trying to connect using other forms of communication and are not aware when they are ignoring or blocking another person’s attempt to connect with them.

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keeping in touch The other side of lack of experience in healthy body contact is the pleasure-seeking and self-indulgent attitudes rampant in our society. If something like touch is pleasurable, then the person becomes completely “attached” to it, depends on it for his or her happiness—seeks it, gorges on it, and even becomes addicted to it. Many of us just can’t enjoy touch as an end to itself, it is almost a given that if the touching experience is pleasurable, we must have sexual intercourse. The lack of experience in healthy affectionate touching is not helped by our lack of understanding of what the other wants and the meanings that people assign to different kinds of touching behaviour. Unaware of what is expected and what is intended, we sneak around each other for hours and hours hoping for “something” to happen. Often times nothing happens because the agenda is unclear. The way someone touches can tell us a lot about them . . .

When working with couples planning to get married, I always watch to see how many times, where, and how they touch each other. Over the years, I’ve found out that struggling couples merely talk, while thriving couples touch. Without regular touching, it is not a matter of if, but when, all physical intimacy peters out altogether. It is inevitable. Touching not only sends a message to our minds and bodies that something or someone is in close physical proximity, it also gives us a good “sense” of how close the person wants to be and their willingness to share themselves at a level that is appropriate to the relationship. Our physical presence, including our tone of voice, mood, body language, smell, and even our intent, all register in the other person’s sense of us. This is probably why touching or allowing touch creates a state of trust and receptivity. The other person’s willingness to share him or herself provides valuable information for assessing and predicting the outcome of the encounter. Take for example the handshake which is the most common form of touch. A man or woman uneasy with physical intimacy will use an exaggerated up-and-down motion, someone who is keen to avoid it all together will use a fingertip shake where hands don’t actually interlock or will offer a wimpy handshake.

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keeping in touch

To someone not familiar with the sense of touch, the information about the person revealed by his or her handshake may go unnoticed until later in the relationship. This is also true for hugging. A simple hug can unwittingly let on more about an individual than the person hugging intends to. For example, a warm and friendly hug with the head resting on the other’s neck can say, “I’d like to get close to you” or “I love you.” The same hug delivered with clinging haste, can communicate neediness— “Please like me” or “Can you love me?”; and when great pressure is applied, it can reveal a tendency to be controlling—“Love me, want me, now.” An upper body lean expresses a desire to keep the connection casual at best or “Keep away from me” at worst. A full body embrace on the other hand, may speak of a desire for a deeper or more intimate relationship, perhaps even a commitment. Different touches have different meanings . . .

The difference between touching that is acceptable and touching that is unacceptable is the effect it has on the person touched, not the toucher’s intention. Touching another on the notion that we all crave touch and so one may do what one wishes with another’s body without permission is a very insidious thing to do. If you’re the recipient of undesired touching it’s best to speak up in no uncertain terms when someone’s touch makes you uncomfortable. Accidental touching

This touch is likely to be unpremeditated. Though completely unintentional, accidental touching on any neutral body part is important. If the other person pulls away, tenses up, shows no reaction, whether physical or emotional, or reluctantly smiles, it may be an indication that they don’t want physical contact, are not interested in you, or simply don’t appreciate being touched like that. If on the other hand the person responds positively with a smile, gentle shoulder shrug, sideward head tilt or returns the touch, it is a signal he or she doesn’t mind getting acquainted, and or experiencing further touching depending on the type of relationship.

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keeping in touch Ritualistic touching

This kind of touching does not necessarily have a personal meaning, but instead is used to reflect cordiality and to regulate interpersonal interactions between acquaintances, business associates, as well as strangers. Such forms of touch include handshakes, handclasps, and contractual handfasts. There are many others ways of ritual touching that do not make you appear to be coming on too strong, especially if you are not entirely sure about the other person’s feelings towards you or if you are still “testing the waters”. These include such touching as simply touching an arm to make a point or point out something, touching to guide someone to a table, sharing a victorious moment such as winning a game or finishing a project. In a romantic setting, there will be opportunities to connect, to feel the other’s touch without a need for commitment, to see if the sparks will fly. Ask him or her to give you “hi-five” by holding your palm up facing out. With such a friendly and risk-free move, he or she will mostly oblige. If you take time to savour the experience, your intuition will speak to you— whether there are sparks or not! Task-related touching . . .

Task-related touching happens in a specific manner. The meaning of the touch is inherent to the action itself. Examples of task-related touches are a doctor examining a patient, a barber cutting a client’s hair, a masseur giving a professional massage. This kind of touching is “touchy” because of the potential of violating professional/client boundaries. A doctor, barber, or masseur can intentionally or unintentionally cross the professional “precincts” in some subtle way. The experience can be embarrassing, shocking, frightening, or traumatizing for either party. It is advisable to define and observe clear boundaries in a professional setting. Rumours of sexual inappropriateness in such contexts travel quickly and have more staying power than any other kind of rumour.

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keeping in touch In a romantic setting, task-related touching may include brushing dust from someone’s coat, adjusting a tie or clothing, giving a hair cut, offering a foot or scalp massage. The list is endless. Nurturing or supportive touching . . .

The nurturing touch is a deliberate way of communicating safety, reassurance, and empathy. The opposite of a nurturing touch is a coercive or “controlling” touch mainly used to obtain compliance and to communicate one’s dominance or status. In a romantic setting, the opportunity to nurture another through touch can arise when the other person is about to do something that may require your support, approval, or admiration. For example, alighting from a vehicle or flight of stairs, leaping across a puddle of water, manoeuvring though movie theatre seats with popcorn and drinks in hand. Hold out your hand with the palms up and fingers slightly cupped. As your hands touch, cup your hands onto his or her palms as if securing yourself on him or her. Just be conscious not to grip too hard. If he or she is concentrating on the task at hand, then bravely declare that you are there by saying, “I got you” or “Here.” Proceed to gently caress his or her hand by sliding your thumb on top of his or her hand. The point is to convey the honor and pleasure you experienced in the opportunity to touch him or her. Make sure he or she remembers the experience. Affectionate touching . . .

Affectionate touch, loving touch, or healing touch is about “feeling” with the hands of the heart and soul. Nothing sends across the message “I like you” or “I’m attracted to you” stronger than gentle affectionate touching that flows naturally. Affectionate touching denotes emotional acceptance of each other and can evoke strong, pleasant emotions. It immediately warms up the other person with a psychological feeling of being worthy. For example, next time the two of you want to go out to watch a movie, select a romantic comedy. During the movie, when you hear your date laughing, take his or her hand in yours then lean over and whisper in his or her ear, “I just love hearing your laughter!” © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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keeping in touch Playful touching . . .

Intentional physical playfulness is essential to any kind of relationship. It is what makes it interesting. Tickling, gentle pinching, shoulder pats, a squeeze on the knee, wrestling, and other playful touching are good for keeping relationships on a more relaxed level. Experiences and expressions of physical playfulness can leave a deep imprint on the imagination. For example, saying “you have something on your mouth,” then brushing a real crumb, or imaginary crumb from his or her lips then saying “just kidding,” has an intimate meaning. If you have trouble being creative, try some long-forgotten childhood rituals or activities. Hide-and-seek is a good one! Sexual touching . . .

Touching can sexually arouse us like no other sense. Between seeing and touching, touching is probably the primary carrier of sexual energy. No wonder all cultures regulate touch behaviour. The possibility that one can be involuntarily sexually aroused, or one may sexually gratify oneself at the expense of another is high on the scale. Sexual touching with the intention of sexually arousing another may progress from all of the above forms of touching or be initiated as a prelude to sexual intercourse. It may involve sexual organs, though not always. Sexual touching without someone’s permission is harassment and is about power and domination rather than the intention to sexually arouse someone or share an experience. The meaning of what is considered a sexual touch is central to our individual concepts of self, the values we associate regarding another’s touch, and the values we attach to power and pleasure. How do you know when to touch, where, and how?

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keeping in touch touching others, the touch will convey uncertainty rather than warmth and may elicit negative responses. Also asking a man or woman you are out on a date with for permission to touch will make you seem timid and unsure, not sweet and sensitive. In contrast, if you are spontaneous in your touching and are sincere and gentle in the approach, the recipients of your touch will more likely receive the warmth intended. Of course, before you touch, you must be sure that the person wants you to touch them. As a species, we are highly territorial but are rarely aware of this unless our space is somehow violated. For instance, if we definitely do not want physical contact and yet are forced to be close to others in a full train or bus, we will “hold ourselves in,” avoid eye contact, stare at the ceiling or the floor, become preoccupied with a magazine, maintain a closed off/neutral expression on our faces and avoid conversations. Observing a person’s reaction to the violation of their space is a clue to what they are feeling at a given moment. The ability to be sensitive to individual needs and tolerances, as well as one’s own boundaries, limits, and comfort level, will deepen and enhance the experience for both you. It’s an investment that pays off big time. The mistake most people make is to attempt to get too “close” too soon—hold his/her hand, put an arm around his/her shoulders, or sit very close . . .

Physical contact at the wrong time can lead to confusion as to what your true intentions are. People who are ready for physical closeness will normally change or adjust their position to facilitate the desired level of intimacy. For instance, a person will move closer or lean over. Some people reach across the table, and pat your side of the table, others touch themselves and then edge a few inches closer. When a change in the physical space occurs, the other person is giving you a clear indication that he or she does not mind physical contact. But even this can be tricky for someone not fluent in body language because of other body language clues that may be present. So before touching someone, it’s best to test the waters by initially invading their physical space by touching their “personal extensions”—anything that belongs to him or her, like a purse, cell phone, pen,

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keeping in touch newspaper, or book. You can also tell if someone is ready for physical contact when he or she touches your “personal extensions.” One of the experiments for “testing for touch readiness” that I teach my clients is from David Lewis’ book The Secret Language of Success. If you want to know whether the person is attracted to you or is signaling that you can proceed to touch them, after drinking, casually place your glass close to his or hers. If the glass is allowed to remain there, you are being welcomed into their personal space. If the glass is moved out of the way or if after drinking, he or she places the glass far away from yours, chances are your advances are being spurned. I personally found out that this experiment works best when you wait until he or she takes a sip and places the glass back on the table. The distances between glasses will give you plenty of clues. Some people place their glass far away and continue holding it even when it’s on the table. It may look like a “habit” but they are in fact “wrapping their arms around themselves” and protecting their personal space from being violated. Another way of testing a man or woman’s testing for “touch readiness” is by slightly touching one of the “safe zones” and then apologizing for being so bold. You might be surprised that he or she was actually expecting it. Anticipating a person’s needs yields impressive results. When the other person doesn’t get what they expect from us, we are working against ourselves. When you reach out to touch his arm or her shoulder for the first time, try to find out which part of the body he or she is comfortable being touched. You can do this by extending your hand intentionally while watching his or her face for reactions. A courteous, respectful, forthright, and casual touch that says “I am just a touching person being friendly” is more likely to create interest than an aggressive touch, or “sneaking” one in when the other person least expects it, or worse, pretending it’s an accidental touch. Most people are not as stupid as we might think; women especially, are turned off by men who aren’t sure of themselves. Relax and enjoy touch as an end in itself but don’t cling, don’t prolong the contact beyond what is natural for the situation. If you are the recipient of the touch, you should be able to non-verbally communicate that you’ve © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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keeping in touch been deeply moved by the gesture. The reciprocal communication indicates that you are open to emotional contact.

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THE ALCHEMY OF THE SENSUOUS GOURMET By practicing a state of awareness while you eat, you will eventually be able to remain clear and present within all of your senses. This means not only tasting the individual characteristics of the foods you eat, but staying conscious and present while you eat; then you can intimately connect with the juice, the marrow, the prime reality of any particular food as it is in the present moment.

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any years ago, when Oscar Wilde was dining in a luxurious London restaurant, he shocked his companions when he picked up a lamb chop with his fingers and began eating it. Realizing that people were looking at him disapprovingly, Wilde returned their glances and remarked, “You poor souls, have you completely forgotten that eating is supposed to be fun?” Eating with fingers is a practice that is hard to wrap your mind around. Many of us take food and the dining experience for granted. We never stop to really think that one should be able to enjoy the process of eating with as many of the senses as possible—taste, smell, sight, touch. We gobble down our food or gingerly peck at it in a disconnected or disinterested way with no desire to experiment, no curiosity about the senses, and no willingness to make mistakes. If you are perfunctorily tossing down edibles without savouring them to the fullest, you are missing the proverbial banana boat . . .

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the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet In addition to the pleasurable aromas, firmness, temperature, taste and texture of food; the sensitiveness of the fingertips, mouth, lips, and tongue increases the enjoyment of biting and chewing your way through a meal. Think of the many foods that are considered aphrodisiac—chocolate, oysters, shrimp, termites, crickets, beetles, nuts, corn, strawberries, tamarinds—they are all thought to have the potential of arousing or intensifying sexual desire and erotic power. Part of this power comes from the fact that these foods almost force themselves to be eaten with the fingers. Any food can be an aphrodisiac if all the senses are exercised simultaneously while it is being consumed. With fingers busy, mouths, lips, tongues, noses, and eyes enticed, sensuousness lingers in every bite—it is close to the “natural” as possible. Some people trying to awaken a deeper appreciation, passion, and sensuousness of the dining experience initially find it overwhelming. Some of my clients have asked me—“There is so much to do at the same time. How am I supposed to see, smell, taste, feel, and smell everything in a few seconds?” It can be particularly frustrating when you are trying to juggle the slippery elements of what, when, and how much to eat and at the back of your mind hearing that familiar voice from your childhood—“do not get your fingers dirty,” or “don’t eat too much.” An appreciation for the sensuousness of food uncovers “other” hidden “talents”. . .

Eating with your fingers not only influences how food tastes but how you handle the phenomenon of total sensory appeal. All cultures share the old adage, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Some African cultures take it a step further by adding, “The way a man eats at the table is the way he eats on the bed.” You can learn a lot about people when you watch them eat. How people eat can give you a mental picture of how they express themselves in other sensuous areas of their lives. Let’s just say if he or she is mindlessly shovelling mouthfuls of food into his or her mouth, or is a fussy eater, he or she will generally be mechanical or finicky in other areas as well. If you know what I mean.

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the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet Since everyone must eat, what we eat and how we eat is one of the most telling characteristics of who we are. How we eat is a manner of expression that has taken years to cultivate, and in most cases, is completely instinctive. The sensuous gourmet takes things slow, trails the fingers around a plate of food, lifts a glass of wine and smells it with the eyes closed, pauses in the middle of a sentence to taste a sauce, savours the saltiness of each potato chip, listens to the loud crunch of each bite, digs the teeth into the fruit as if for the first time, and will even emit a low “moan” when eating something that moves him or her to express exquisite sensuousness. There is no shame or timidity in his or her actions—all this is perfectly natural. Seduction— à la kitchen—also comes in subtle forms . . .

There is an old saying: “To invite a person to your house is to take charge of his or her happiness as long as he or she is beneath your roof.” Since the beginning of time, the pleasures of the table have been intertwined with our enjoyment of the person with whom we enjoy it. If your intent is to “wow!” your date, this is the only way to go. First of all, for culinary seduction to work, you must first figure out what kind of man or woman you are planning to seduce and then create a menu sure to woo based on his or her interests and personality. People love it when their dates take an interest in their interests. Focused and knowledgeable effort is sexy. Keep the food simple. Don’t waste too much energy trying to impress him or her with your cooking skills. Anything that has a little bit of salty tang, a little bit of sweetness, a little bit of creaminess, and a little bit of crunch keeps the senses excited. An ideal appetizer should be anything that can be picked up, rolled up, or tucked in the sides, then eaten with the fingers—and licked often. For a main course, roasted bone-in meats are the “holy grail.” This is one of those times when bones become sensuous; their hardness, hidden beneath juicy flesh, invokes psychological and sensuous pleasure when the meat is cooked right, when it pulls off the bone but does not fall off it. If you want to go vegetarian, you still need to make

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the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet sure it’s finger-licking good. Dessert should ideally be served plain or with anything that can be wiped away or licked away. That is the easy part. The hard part is that there are not many foods in “polite” society that you can dig in exuberantly with your fingers, which is why you should probably cook the meal together. A jointly-prepared meal, especially accompanied with good conversation, can boost the odds that sparks will start flying. Be spontaneous and do unexpected things. Feed each other while you cook. Whisper suggestive comments, paint each other with melted butter (not when it’s hot), fling bits of food pieces and let them fall strategically on the body, etc. In the best of all possible worlds, you can peak your date’s imagination with a lasting impact. Freeing up your capacity for sensuousness lifts you above the mundane . . .

When it comes to eating, don’t rush anything. Take time to tease, coax and play with every single sense. Start with the visual appeal of the food; notice the various colours of the foods and the variety of textures and shapes and what each contributes to the food. This means seeing food as a living, dynamic entity. This awareness requires you to suspend the mind’s automatic tendency to halt the process of exploration by “naming” familiar foods as sweet, salty, pungent, or sour, thereby reducing the sensory appeal of the food to a concept that is so well known it can be dismissed. Instead, open yourself up to how the food presents itself in any given moment. Next, take a deep breath and smell the food. Close your eyes and take a moment to savour the smell of the individual flavours. Open your eyes and look carefully at each item. Examine it fully, noting whatever it is that appeals to you about its appearance. Allow all your thoughts or feelings about the food to register. Bring the food close to your mouth and prepare to take a bite. The instant your fingers touch the food, broaden your awareness to include your sense of touch. Pay attention to the physical sensation of the food against your hand—texture, firmness, temperature, and so on. You may also detect a shift in temperature around your lips as © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet you bring the food close to your mouth. Keep in mind that, with sufficient desire, anything you are about to put in your mouth at any time can be made into an erotic experience. Pull gently at your food, peel with fingers, suck out the centers, play it upon your lips, lick up the juices, feel the tongue literally tingle while the food lingers long enough to be swept away by the tongue. Chew thoroughly to release all the different tastes in the food so you can fully experience the taste while allowing yourself time to enjoy the feeling of the food’s texture. Remember though, that eating with your fingers isn’t a license to poor eating manners. Always have clean hands and eat with your fingers without getting them all messy. A savvy diner delicately uses only three fingers to eat, except for some foods that might require all the five fingers and the palm. Depending on how far along mutual attraction has gone, placing food directly into his or her mouth with your fingers can stir up bigger and better things . . .

Never lose eye contact with your dining partner. Whenever your mind wanders off your plate and away from your partner, notice where it’s gone and gently bring it back to your dining partner. If you choose to drink alcoholic drinks, keep the amount of alcohol to a minimum. Wine is the favourite alcoholic drink for most people because it is the world’s most romanticized beverage. Drinking wine is an adventure and just as with food, strive to appreciate the wine with all your senses— sight, smell, touch, taste, sound, and feeling. Appreciate the gentle swirl of pouring the wine and the aroma it creates, as part of the whole experience. Before the wine even touches your lips, allow your eyes to drink in the beauty of its colour as well as the general appearance of your glass. Your sense of touch is part of the wine-drinking experience. As you take your first sip, remember that wine’s flavour isn’t just about its sensation on the tongue, but its combined effect on the taste buds and nasal receptors. If you are not into wines, a rich lingering mouth-filling flavour of a freshly brewed cup of coffee is just as equally thoroughly sensuous.

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the alchemy of the sensuous gourmet Your body is bristling with sensory receptors—God’s gift to humankind— it’s up to you to responsibly enjoy it. Give yourself the permission to really celebrate what you have inside; celebrate it with yourself and with each other. One last piece of advice, if your mojo isn’t working during these multisensuous, full interaction gourmet moments—or if you missed the “sexual innuendo” in this last chapter of the book—then maybe you seriously need a dating coach!

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APPENDIX: SEDUCTION AND RITUAL COURTSHIP (AFRICAN STYLE)

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fricans have very ancient cultures passed on from generation to generation for thousands of years. In the teachings of traditional African cultures, everything in the world is inhabited by spirit; we’re all essentially spirits with a physical form. As spirit and matter, we all have the ability to naturally slide into ecstasy or “fly” into the realms that spirits inhabit and to experience these “other worlds” with all the senses of the ordinary physical realm. One doesn’t try to be spiritual, he or she just is. Spirituality and physicality are meant to go together. These two are inseparable. When spirituality is ignored, physicality is misused, and when physicality is denied, spirituality is misused. But when spirituality and physicality are nurtured as inseparable, we experience “heaven on earth.” A life lived on earth with a conscious effort to connect spirit and physical form is a life fully lived. The sexual union between a man and woman is believed to be a beautiful thing because it whets our appetite for creating life—physically and spiritually. Every time we have sexual intercourse there is a potential for a child to be conceived, a potential for a spirit-soul to come down from the spirit world of souls into this physical world. The sexual act also whets our appetite for exploring, experiencing, and sharing body and spirit with another. The sex act is one of the most powerful tests of self-knowledge and interpersonal power in the African epistemological universe.

African erotic cultures are characterized by a fiery passion to experience sexual union as often as is possible, not on abstaining from it . . .

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) der—surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain, and closer to the primal forces of nature. Similarly the African understanding of “sexual union” is not always about “sexual penetration” but about extending and experiencing the flow of raw sexual or erotic energy using all of our senses. Sexual abstinence (no sexual intercourse) is not equated to “chastity” in which an individual chooses to deliberately abstain from any sexual union, pleasure or expression of sexual desire for religious purposes. An individual can enter a “sex fast,” a selective kind of sexual abstinence in which one withdraws or withholds from certain sexual practices in order to heighten other particular senses while completing a task or undertaking. These are choices that one makes consciously. In many traditional African societies men and women, young and old, have the “permission” to be openly sexual in a culturally acceptable way . . .

Sexual expression and enjoyment is not something that simply happens when a young man or woman reaches a certain chronological age. Parents and close family members are fully responsible for sexual education at the child’s early age, but as boys and girls reach puberty, the community is responsible for their sexual education to ensure that they have sexually fulfilling lives. The community hands over this responsibility for adolescent sexual education to same-gender elders selected for their position in the community, their erotic experience, and inherited abilities to understand the intricate nature of sexual relationships. Coming of age rituals begin at ages ranging from 12–18 years and can last up to five years. Girls and boys are often taken out of the community, away from the concerns of everyday life, to teach them all the ways of adulthood. They are exposed to rigorous studies of the self, one’s purpose in life and contribution to society. While in a non-threatening environment, the initiates are guided to uncover their sense of self and to examine their beliefs, values, and thoughts—(Who am I? What is the meaning of my existence? What do I have within me to achieve my life’s purpose? How do I know the truth? How do I know when I’ve stepped out of harmony with who I truly am? Etc.).

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) Before joining the adult community, they also learn about the changes happening in their minds and bodies as well as the responsibilities that come with those changes, rules and taboos of the society, moral instruction, and social responsibility. Their education also includes the “how to” of sex. Knowledge in the elements of sexual performance is given and demonstrated in an explicit manner. This knowledge is, in all cases, considered sacred and secret, and not to be shared with the uninitiated or “outsiders.” Boys learn a masculine cockiness whose discourse is centered on protecting, taking care of, and giving pleasure to women. Their sexual “how to” education includes knowledge about “medicinal plants,” ideas about sexual prowess, endurance, and “sex-fasts”—rituals of abstinence used to heighten the senses. The curriculum of the rites of passage for girls is centered on selfawareness, grace, and dignity. Their “pleasure” education includes how to emotionally and physically prepare themselves for intercourse and includes such practices as clitoris elongation and massage; masturbation (looking for the bean in the oil as they call it); the use of tantalizing, jingling, and jangling sexual movements enhanced with musical sounds, beads, body decorations, scents, and incense that heighten sexual pleasure. Girls also learn about culturally prescribed coital positions and art of lovemaking. The months immediately following initiation into adulthood are a time of exploration, fun, joyfulness, laughter, and defining one’s sexual identity and assertiveness. Girls and boys move away from playing with their own sexual peers to exploring relationships with the opposite gender—playing pranks; engaging in petty altercations; feigned pain, disgust, and anger; mutual teasing such as addressing each other as “heartthrob,” “sweetheart,” “husband,” or “wife.” Girls say to boys, things like, “You are so much in love with me, you can’t sleep at night”; “You look at me and wish you could have me but all you can do is just look”; “You are all talk but when it comes to it you cannot even keep it up for half the night,” etc. And boys say to girls, “Have you fed our baby?”; “Would you mind preparing my dinner tonight, dear wife?”; “Even my snake knows you because it raises its head whenever it sees you,” etc. © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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The relationship between young men and women becomes more physical because of their engagement in co-ed wrestling and stage-acted fighting routines and riddling games meant to express wit and sexuality. Young men and women also learn culturally acceptable sexual expression and public sexual contact through formalized flirtation and seduction dance ceremonies, sometimes called moonlight dances or mating dances. These are settings in which young people ages 12–18 are allowed (more like expected) to explore seductive and flirtatious communication that includes silent speech and suggestive and provocative dance moves. The dances take place during the full moon in a special arena cleared for the occasion, or in a chief’s or elder’s compound. For every young person, these are special occasions that require a lot of preparation—plaiting the hair, decorating the body with ornaments, whitening the teeth using certain roots, and so forth. Dances begin at dusk when the drum that summons the dancers is sounded. The dance itself is performed in a circle, with the dancers facing the centre, or in a line following a circular path with the drummers in the middle. In some dances, boys and girls alternate dancing inside the circle while the opposite sex admires their dance moves. In other dances, individuals step into the circle one after the other. A dancer is rated primarily on his or her ability to stamp out the rhythm of the drum with his or her feet and to follow the musical rhythm of the song with the simultaneous use of the torso and shoulders, and the rapid vibrations or twists of the buttocks and pelvis. Characteristic rhythmic patterns vary from culture to culture, and from dance to dance within one culture, but the common feature in all cultures is the simultaneous rhythmic body articulation, footstamping, and/or light leaping movements. The drummers and other dancers respond to a good performance by a lively chorus usually laden with erotic innuendo. I remember one particular song in my birth language which when translated into English goes something like this: Solo: I was in my house and would have liked to stay But he [drummer] has come and wants to discuss the matter in public © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) So I have left my house and that is why you see me here I am like a cricket. I would like to sing But the wall of earth that surrounds me prevents me Someone has forced me to come out of my hole—so I will sing I am like the dog that stays before the door until he gets a bone You have forced me to come when the sun has set We shall still be here when the sun rises Nobody goes both ways at the same time You have told me this and you have told me that Surely one of the two must be wrong That is why I am here [The others then join with a chorus] Chorus: Is something bothering you? Why not step in the circle? Is something itching you? Why not appease the throb? See what will happen. Who knows, maybe . . . Each dancer then steps into the circle and completes the sentence with erotic motions and movement that mirror and reflect an evolving identity and personality, expressing individual freedom and pent-up emotions. A dancing African is not at all concerned about what he or she looks like when dancing or with whom he or she is dancing with. A man will dance with a woman. Men will dance with men. Women will dance with women. Children will dance with elders. Humans will dance with domesticated animals. And most of the time, an African will dance with no one at all except him or herself. The sensuous abandon leaves little to the imagination as the dancer flirts with his or her audience with the use of the eyes, and as he or she ripples with imaginative erotic movements and overall bodily experience. It’s not © 2007 Christine Akiteng

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) a strip tease, but more like a hypnotic “lock and grind” that generates plenty of electricity and pulls in all those around. The tempo of the drumming, singing, clapping, cheers, and ululations all combine to bring the dancer into an ecstatic state. And when ecstasy grips, the dancer is transported into another world, and sometimes has to be woken up with some kind of rude reality. Even the most reluctant observer testifies to the hopelessness of resistance once the “heart throbs like a native drum.” It’s like one is drawn in by an omnipotent will. You feel it in your heart. Your chest begins to expand. It spreads throughout the body and you begin to move. It enters your bones and you just give up. How can you resist something more powerful than yourself? Dancers learn to heighten their senses and focus their sexual energy to achieve a state of ecstasy . . .

Surrender, abandon, or to “lose control,” is an art in African cultures, something that is taught from the day a child is born because it is believed that without the required skill to artfully do so, we would ”lose control” rebelliously, blindly, recklessly, and dangerously. If we get hurt during such times, it would only reinforce our fear of abandon and surrender, steering us away from the ability to really enjoy life. During the rites of passage, young people go through rituals and dances that help them learn how to skilfully and deliberately surrender or loosen up—turning oneself over to the power of the unknown and unknowable. These rituals are based on the philosophy that says that when we are most truly vulnerable, we are more of ourselves, more open, more trusting, and free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of our hearts and souls. It is only by entering this door of helpless surrender that we discover true intimacy. In this context, the intensity of true erotic yearnings, feelings, desires, and impulses, and the level of awareness of what he or she is doing during periods of sexual expression is much more crucial than all the tactile manoeuvres, techniques, and bedroom tricks. Africans, especially those who have gone through the erotic education of rites of passage at puberty, re-

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) port sobbing loudly, laughing hysterically, or “blanking out” during peak sexual pleasure. Part of the great feeling that comes with the inner awareness that says “I want you to know who and what I am all about,” is in knowing that inside oneself, there is goodness (more like sweetness than goodness) which one unlimitedly and unconditionally offers to another person. During the dance, one performance is followed by another. There are songs and dances to court lovers as well as songs to insult rivals . . .

Over the course of the night, songs easily become a battle of the sexes, and in most cases, turn into sexual seduction. Some daring and overly selfconfident young man will inevitably, from time to time, dance towards the girls flaunting his hips or pelvis. The girls then mockingly strike back by tightly knitting their arms around one another’s waists. This stops the young man from singling out any particular one girl as his target for teasing. But some young men are not repelled by this kind of sisterly bonding and will continue to approach, sending the girls running away, laughing, and screaming euphorically, only to come back and join the dance. It is at times like these that girls and boys practice what they’ve been taught about erotic rituals, the art of seduction, and the effective way of transmitting sexual energy and attracting attention in order to be chosen by the opposite sex. Girls learn that showing off healthy skin and childbearing hips, eye or soul-gazing, and a confident and cheerful personality gets the boys all wound up. Boys on the other hand, learn that physical fitness and flexibility, playfulness and cockiness, are attributes that make one stand out. During the breaks when drummers change to dancers and other dancers take over the drumming, boys and girls step aside into the less lit corners, either in groups or pairs. There may be affectionate petting, stroking and caressing, but sexual intercourse is not supposed to take place— well, sometimes it does. In many traditional African societies, boys and girls are strictly forbidden to engage in penetrative sex until they are properly initiated into adult status. Many cultures have what is accepted or permissi-

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) ble as adolescent or “immature sex” and what is considered adult or mature sex. Adolescents may be permitted to engage in all forms of sexual pleasure except penetrative sex. In many cultures, penetrative sex is believed to be harmful mainly because the girl will get pregnant out of wedlock, something that is considered a severe disgrace to her family status. Usually brothers and cousins monitor their sisters or cousins to make sure no sexual intercourse takes place and also to make sure no young man tries to force them into doing anything against their will. The more respected and feared a girl’s brothers and cousins are, the more respectful young men are towards her. Parents and elders as a whole do not interfere with the flirtations of their children. Some parents may sit at a distance and watch for socially unacceptable behaviour. A boy or girl who disrespects the family name with unacceptable behaviour is heavily punished. Depending on the gravity of the crime, punishment can be anything from scolding, to spanking with a leather whip. Enabling the sexes to meet on neutral ground, openly and respectably, tends to remove some of the secrecy and unhealthy curiosity that is part of the mental transition from the self-contained experience of early youth to the new awareness of the new polarity of the sexes. Teen competitiveness, constant body contact, and purported romantic liaisons all provide individual and interactive challenges, and contribute to personal maturation, social development, and spiritual enrichment. They provide an individual a level of confidence and exuberance that comes from a healthy sexual attitude and a healthy sexual life. These mating dances are often fruitful arenas for initiating relationships— traditional dating agencies as it were—supervised by elderly persons experienced in such affairs. Unfortunately, traditional systems of sexual education are quickly disappearing and many young people today get little or no meaningful sexual induction. Contemporary or “modern” African societies mostly concentrated in urban centers and townships have adopted the culture of “passing the buck” with reference to the social institutions that ought to take care of children and undertake sexual education in the early years of de© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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appendix: seduction and ritual courtship (african style) velopment. The family passes the responsibility to the school, the school to the church, while the church, in turn, passes it back to the family. In the end, the child gets no proper instruction. Most of what many African children raised in urban and sub-urban Africa know about sex is from the little sexual information they come across in books, on television, and from their peers. This serves as a means by which they define their sexual identities and behaviours. As Africa becomes more “modernized,” adolescence to adulthood passage rites are being replaced with getting a driver’s license, getting drunk, or getting laid. Many modern Africans have discarded the slow, subtle arts of flirtation and charm that our ancestors have used successfully for thousands of years, and replaced them with the “modern” quick, direct strikes—punching his or her number into the cell phone, grinding and bumping with him or her on the dance floor, rubbing his shoulders or her feet, and bonking each other senseless—all within an hour. Young people are growing up uneasy and uncomfortable about their bodies and most are out of touch with their sexual thoughts, feelings, and bodily responses. Many are sexually confused, anxious, and insecure. Formal schools and universities in modern Africa are often centres of even greater sexual recklessness and promiscuity on the one hand, and ignorance and repressed sexual uptightness on the other. Similar cultural stories are being written in other parts of the world, all over the globe. This is a call for all of us, people all over the world, to wake up, reflect, see where we’ve fallen away, and to begin to heal ourselves towards a healthy sexuality.

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REFERENCES Anolli, L., R. Ciceri, R., & G. Riva, eds. 2002. Say not to say: new perspectives on miscommunication. Amsterdam; Washington, DC: IOS Press. Aronson, E. 1991. The social animal. 6th ed. New York: Freeman. Ciceri, R. 2002. Seductive communication: Paradoxical exhibition, obliquity and nonverbal synchronization. In Say not to say: new perspectives on miscommunication, ed. L. Anolli, R. Ciceri, & G. Riva, 101–105. Amsterdam; Washington, DC: IOS Press. Fox, Elaine. 2005. The role of visual processes in modulating social interactions. Visual Cognition 12 (1): 1–11. Grammer, K., K. B. Kruck, & M. S. Magnusson. 1998. The courtship dance: Patterns of nonverbal synchronization in opposite-sex encounters. Journal of Nonverbal Behaviour 22 (1): 3–29. Griffin, Z. M., & K. Bock. 2000. What the eyes say about speaking. Psychological Science, 11: 274–279. Navratil, Wendy. 2000. Read all about it sex sells, but some say magazine covers are going too far. Chicago Tribune. February 2. Palermo, R., & L. Miller. 2005. Amygdalae, auras, and affective facial expressions [Abstract]. Australian Journal of Psychology: Supplement: 57, 66. Rusk, Tom. 1993. The power of ethical persuasion. New York: Viking. Takeuchi, A., & K. Nagao. 1993. Communicative facial displays as a new conversational modality. In ACM/IFIP INTERCHI 1993: 187–193. Thompson, E.P., A. W. Kruglanski, & S. Spiegel. 2000. Attitudes as knowledge structures and persuasion as a specific case of subjective knowl© 2007 Christine Akiteng

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references edge. In Why we evaluate: Functions of attitudes, ed. J.M. Olson, & G.R. Maio, 59–96. Mahvah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Vaughan, Frances E. 1997. Awakening intuition. Garden City, NY: Anchor Books.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Christine Akiteng Internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and Author of more than 100 popular dating and relationships Internet articles.

Christine Akiteng was born and raised among the Karimojong; fiercely independent cattle keeping semi-nomadic warrior people of North-Eastern Uganda, East Africa. A zealous coach and author with an enthusiasm and inspirational energy that pulls people to her, Christine has helped hundreds of men and women realize their dreams for love. Her clarity of thought, active conscience, infectious good humor, respect for other people and their views, warm and down-to-earth persona immediately puts people at ease and makes them feel understood and appreciated. To learn more about Christine and her work, visit her website: www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com

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