Assrting Yorslf at Work
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Assrting Yorslf at Work
Constanc Zimmrman with Richard Lck
Neither the writers nor the American Management Management Association guarantees the results of the information, guidelin guidelines, es, and techniques presented in this wor. Copyright © 2010 American Management Association. Associatio n. All rights reserved. This material may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN-10: 0-7612-1436-4 ISBN-13: 978-0-7612-1436-6 Printed in the United States of America. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/ AMERICAN MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATION http://www.amanet.org 10
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Contnts About This Course How to Tae This Course Introduction
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Pre-Test Pre-T est
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1 Assr As srti tinss—What nss—What It Is and Wh Why y It Mattrs
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Assertiveness Assertiv eness Defined The Assertive Mode Passivity Aggression
Assertiveness and the New Worplace Assertiveness as a Signaling Mechanism Assertiveness Assertiveness Assertiv eness as a Learned Behavior
Recap Review Questions
2 Progrss Bgins with Slf-Aw Slf-Awarnss
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Benchmaring Your Motivations Your Assertiveness Profile Your Score Interpreting Your Score
What Influences Your Assertiveness Mode? Childhood Experiences The Transference Trap Perfectionism The Role of Attitude Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Recap Review Questions
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ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
3 Bilding Yor Assrtinss Assrtinss
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Your Needs, Wants, Interests, Values, and Goals Needs Needs Wants Interests Interests Values
Your Goals Short-Term Goals Short-Term Intermediate Goals Long-Term Goals Legacy Goals
Speaing Up for What Matters to You at Wor Engage in a Posit Positiv ivee Internal Dialogue Verbally Communicate in Assertive Ways Use the Most Effective E ffective Communication Channel Channel Practice Good Timing Timing
Assertive Written Communication Have a Clear Purpose Mae Your Message Clear and Crisp Use the Most Effective E ffective and Appropriate Mode
Recap Review Questions
4 Assrti Assr ti Nonrbal Nonrbal Commnication Commnic ation
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The Power of Nonverbal Communication Communication Six Dimensions of Nonverbal Nonverbal Communication Communication Body Movement Body Contact Contact Eye Contact Contact Interpersonal Space Silence Silence Paralanguage Paralanguage
Putting Together Together the Dimensions for Assertive Nonverbal Nonverbal Communication (ANC) Mae Proper Use of Space Space Maintain a Professional Appearance Appearance Give a Firm Handshae Handshae Use Direct Eye Contact Contact Use Good Post Posture ure Purposeful Gestures Gestures Control Your Facial Expressions Expressions Effective Vocal Delivery
A Nonverbal Communication Journal
Align Your Verbal and Nonverbal Communication Communication Recap Review Questions
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CONTENTS
5 Assrti Assrtinss nss Opportnitis at Work
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Developing Positive Visibility at Wor Action #1: Spea Up and Share Your Views Views Action #2: Participate Actively in Meetings Meetings Action #3: Disagree Agreeably Agreeably Action #4: Be Your Own Best Champion Champion Action #5: Handle Compliments with Grace Grace Action #6: Loo at Constructive Criticism as a Self-Improvement Opportunity Opportunity Action #7: Create a Daily Assertiv Assertiveness eness Plan
Tae Responsibility for Your Performance at Wor Tae Credit for Your Successes Don’t Tae Responsibility If It’s Not Yours
Recap Review Questions
6 Addrssing th Nds and Intrsts of Othrs 103 Evaluating Your Your Listening Sills: A Self-Assessment Totaling Your Score Score Interpreting Your Score Moving Toward Assertive Listening Listening
Three Levels of Listening Listening Level 1: Listening to Be Aware Level 2: Listening to Learn Level 3: Listening to Engage
Exploring the Environment Needs and Interests of Others Others Create a Safe As Probing Questions Questions Avoid Questions that Provoe a Defensive Response Reciprocate Reciprocate Be Proactive Proactive
Cultural Barriers to Communicating Needs and Interests Time and Trust Building Building
Cultural Dimensions Dimensions
Responding to the Needs and Interests of Others Others Thin It Over Over Focus on the Issue, Not the Person Person Use Collaborative Language Language Expand the Options Find Common Ground Ground Aim for Win-Win Win-Win Win Graciously Graciously
Recap Review Questions
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ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
7 Idntifying and Maintaining Assrti Assrti Bondaris Bondar is at Work
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Identifying Boundaries at W Wor or Boundaries of Respect Boundaries of Ethics Boundaries of Time Time Boundaries of Heath and Safety Boundaries of Discrimination and Sexual Harassment Harassment
Maintaining Assertive Boundaries at Wor Say “No” Literally Literally “No” in Other Words Words Say “No” Right Away to Sexual Harassment Harassment
Recap Review Questions
8 Assrti Assrtinss nss and Daling with Difficlt Popl Four Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People The Screaming Rant Defense The Broen Record Technique Fogging Negative Inquiry
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Disarming the Worplace Bully Understand the Bully’s Goal Determine If You’re a Target Target Protect Your Your “Self ” Blow the Whistle Get Yourself Out of the Bull’s-eye
Recap Review Questions
9 From Assrti Assrtinss nss to Inflnc
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What Is Influence? The Role of Influence in the Worplace Three Building Blocs of Influence Self-Confidence Credibility Reciprocity
Recap Review Questions
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CONTENTS
Appendix: Your Assertiveness Asser tiveness Checsh Checsheet eet Bibliography Recommended Re commended Resources Resources Web Sites Glossa Glo ssary ry Post-Test ost-Test Index
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Abot This Cors
Asserting Yourself at W Work ork provides provides business professionals with the communication tools and psychological foundation they need to perform more assertively on the job. Designed for front-line managers, supervisors, team leaders, team members, employees, and life-long learners, this course promotes the use of direct, inclusive communication as a powe powerful rful tool for achieving targeted goals and building lasting relationships. Asserting Yourself at W Work ork teaches teaches students the sills they need to behave and communicate more assertively—and assertively—and therefore more ef effectiv fectively—in ely—in the worplace. Students learn to address their needs and interests at wor, and, at the same time, consider the needs and interests of others. Beginning with the foundation of self-awareness, the course builds these sills step by step. Students learn about and practice assertive verbal and nonverbal communication techniques, learn how to set proper boundaries in worplace relationships, and analyze how assertiveness plays out in other cultures. The interactivee format includes self-assessment tools, worsheets, sidebars, exerinteractiv cises, and quizzes that prompt students all along the way way.. Constanc Zimmrman served as an adjunct professor with the Center for Management Communication at the Marshall School of Business at the University of Southern California. She was a nonfiction writer and producer of television, film, and corporate media, and the instructional designer of interactivee training programs. She was a producer of the PBS telecourse, Introteractiv duction to Business Communication: for Leadership, which the 1998 Excellence in Distance Learning Tools Teaching Award from the won U.S. Distance Learning Association. She was also the lead instructional designer and cowriter of the telecourse’s student and faculty guides issues, and writer of CRM
Film s award-winning award-winning video Dealing with Conflict. Ms. Zimmerman wrote leader’s guides and training designs on a number of topics, including leadership, non-defensive communication, verbal communication, teamwor, and stress management. She earned M.F.A and B.A. degrees from the University of California, Los Angeles.
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ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
Richard Lck has been a freelance business writer since 1992. His boos have been published by Oxford University Press, John Wiley & Sons, Harvard Business School Press, and AMACOM. In addition to self-study courses, he has developed many teaching cases for M.B.A. and executiv executivee education courses, and has collaborated with business school faculty, management consultants, and corporate executives executives on dozens of publications. Mr. Luece earned an M.B.A. from the University of St. Thomas and a B.A. in History from Shimer College. Coll ege.
AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
How to Tak This Cors
This course consists of text material for you to read and three types of activities (the pre- and an d post-test, in-text exercises, and end-of-chapter review questions) for you to complete. These activities are designed to reinforce the concepts introduced in the text portion of the course and to enable you to evaluate your progress.
PRe- AND POST-TeSTS Both a pre-test and post-test are included in this course. Tae the the pre-test before you study any of the course cour se material to determine deter mine your existing nowledge of the subject matter matter.. Submit one of the scannable answer forms enclosed with this course for grading. On retu return rn of the graded pre-test, complete the course material. Tae the post-test after you have completed all the course material. By comparing results of the pre-test and the post-test, you can measure how effective the course has ha s been for you. To have your pre-test and post-test graded, please mail your answer forms to: educational Srvics Amrican Managmnt Association P.O. Box 133 Florida, NY 10921 All tests are review reviewed ed thoroughly by our instructors instructor s and will be returned to you promptly. If you are viewing the course digitally, the scannable forms enclosed in the hard copy of AMA Self-Study titles are not available digitally. If you would lieof tothe taecourse the course for credit, you will need to either purchaseana hard copy from www.amaselfstudy.org or you can purchase online version of the course from from www.flexstudy.com. www.flexstudy.com.
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THe TexT The most important component of this course is the text, where where the concepts and methods are presented. Reading each chapter twice twice will increase the lielihood of your understanding the text fully fully.. We recommend that you wor on this course in a systematic way. Reading the text and woring through the exercises at a regular and steady pace will hel help p ensure that you get the most out of this course cour se and retain what you hav havee learned. In your first reading, concentrate on getting an overview of the chapter content. Read the learning objectives at the beginning of the chapter first. They will act as guidelines to the major topics of the chapter and identify the sillss y sill you ou should master as you study the text. As you read the chapter, pay
attention to the headings and subheadings. Find the general theme of each section and see how that theme relates to others. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with details during the first reading; simply concentrate concentrate on understanding and remembering the major themes. In your second reading, loo for the details that underlie the themes. Read the entire chapter carefully and methodically, underlining ey points, woring out the details of examples, and maing marginal notes as you go. Complete the activities.
ACTIvITIeS Interspersed with the text of each chapter you will find a series of activities. These can tae a variety of forms, including essays, short-answer quizzes, or charts and questionnaires. Completing the activities will enable you to try out new ideas, practice and improve new sills, and test your understanding of the course content.
THe RevIeW Q ueSTIONS After reading a chapter and before going on to the next chapter, wor through the Review Review Questions. Answering the questions and comparing your answ answers ers to those given will help you to grasp the major ideas of that chapter. If you perform these self-chec exercises consistently, you will develop a framewor in which to place material presented in later chapters.
GRADING POLICY The American Management Association will continue to grade examinations and tests for one year after the course’s out-of-print date. If you have have questions regarding the tests, the grading grading,, or the cour course se itself, call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or send an e-mail to
[email protected].
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Introdction
Welcome to the American Management Association’s Self-Study course on Asserting Yourself Yourself at W Work ork . Assertiveness Assertiveness is a form of behavior and communication that individuals can use to stand up for their needs and interests, their rights and values. It helps them to stand up to difficult people and stand out from others in positive w ways. ays. Equally important, assertiv asser tiveness eness puts them in in a position to exercise influence over over their subordinates, peers, and bosses. This course will give you the sills you need to be more assertive. By following its step-by-step instruction, and completing its self-assessment tools, practical exercises, and review questions, you’ll learn to diagnose your current level of assertiv asser tiveness, eness, then strengthen it. Here’s what what you’ll learn in the chapters that follow: Chapter
Key Learnings
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This chapter provides a working d de efinition of assert rtiiveness and contrasts iitt with two other modes of behavior and communication: passivity and aggression. The benefits of asser assertiveness tiveness for the individual and his or her organization are spelled out and contrasted to the problems associated with the other two modes.
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This chapter helps readers explore their goals and motivation for becoming more assertive and describe where they currently stand on the passiveassertive-aggressive assertive-aggressiv e continuum. The key influences in a person’s life that affect assertiveness are explained and ilillustrated. lustrated.
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This chapter explores how to identify one’s needs, wants, interests, and values. These are examined in the context of shor short-, t-, medium-, and long-term goals. The chapter introduces skil skills ls and strategies to develop assertive verbal and written wr itten communication.
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ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
Chapter
Key Learnings
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This c ch hapter ffo ocuses on on tth he iim mport rta ance o off a as ssert rtiive n no onverbal c co ommunication. It explores the differences between passive, aggressive, and assertive nonverbal nonverb al cues. The six key dimensions of assertive nonver nonverbal bal communication (ANC) are introduced, with an explanation of how they can be combined to strengthen nonverbal communication. Strategies for aligning verbal and nonverbal nonverb al communication are examined.
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This chapter examines strategies and actions for creatin ing g a posit itiive and visible presence at work. Seven practical actions are listed, including one that involves creating a daily action plan. The importance of taking ownership, or responsibility,, for one’s successes and failures at work is also addressed. responsibility
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This chapter explores the import rta ance of listening in understanding tth he needs and interests of others in the workplace. It identifies the three levels levels of listening and examines techniques to explore others’ needs and interests. Multicultural barriers that may keep people from disclosing their needs, interests, and concerns are examined, as well as techniques for responding to them.
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This chapter defines assert rtiive boundaries in the workplace. It examines boundaries related to respect, ethics, time, health and safety safety,, and discrimination. Techniques for maintaining these boundaries are provided.
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This chapter defin ine es four techniques for dealing wit ith h dif ifffic icu ult or hostile people and strategies for implementation. Practical Practical methods for dealing with workplace bullies are also explored.
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This chapter provides a definition of influence and explores how it works in organizations. The three building blocks of influences are examined, and a method for mapping the pattern of influence in i n your immediate workplace is provided.
Designed for frontline managers, supervisors, team members, and ranand-file employees, Asserting employees, Asserting Yourself Yourself at W Work ork promotes promotes forms of behavior and communication that will help you be more successful and more satisfied in your woring life.
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Pr-Tst
Assrting Assr ting Yorslf at W Work ork
Cors Cod 97004 INSTRUCTIONS: Record your answers answers on one of the scannable forms enclosed. Please follow the directions on the form carefully. Be sure to keep a copy of the completed answer form for your records. records. No photocopies will be graded. When When completed, mail your answer answer form to: edcational Srics Amrican Managmnt Association P.O. Bo 133
Florida, NY 10921
If you are viewing the course digitally, the scannable forms enclosed in the hard copy of AMA Self-Study Self-Study titles are not available digitally. If you would like like to take the course for credit, you will need to either purchase a hard copy of the course from www.amaselfstudy.org or you can purchase an online version of the course from www.flexstudy.com. 1. Which of the following following is representative representative of a person with an assertive mode of communicating and acting? (a) Defends his or her personal bounda boundaries ries against against infringement infringement (b) Aims to d dominat ominatee othe others rs (c) Subm Submits its to the de desires sires o off others (d) Avoids eye eye contact
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
[email protected].
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ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
2. Research Research indicates that non-verbal non-verbal elements of communication such as voice tone, facial expression, and posture account for ____________ percent of what a listener perceives. perceives. (a) 93 (b) (b) 55 (c) 20 (d)7 3. Voice tone, speaing rate, vocal vocal inflec inflection, tion, volume, energy energ y level, level, and fluency are all aspects of: (a) para paralang languag uage. e. (b) aggressi (c) aaggressive passi passive vevespeaing spcommunication. eaing style. style. (d) asserti assertiven veness. ess. 4. For a high school freshman, becoming a medical doctor w would ould be a: (a) sho short-t rt-term erm goa goal.l. (b) interm intermediate ediate goal. goal. (c) lon long-t g-term erm go goal. al. (d) leg legacy acy goal. goal.
5. Active listening: (a) aims to ex exert ert psychological control over over the speaer. speaer. (b) involv involves es detailed note-taing. (c) goe goess be beyo yond nd passi passive ve absorption absorption of information to active active involvement involv ement in communication. (d) requires a superior/subordinate relationship between two parties. 6. Which of the following following best describes the the behavior or communication of a passive person? (a) Displa Displays ys hostile facial expressions expressions when challenged challenged (b) Does not att attempt empt to influence influence others others (c) Will explain his or her viewpoint w without ithout coaxing (d) Is more thoughtful and observant tthan han other people 7. A person can achieve positive positive visibility in an organization organization by: (a) learning to disagree disagree agreeably agreeably.. (b) tagging along with the boss whenever whenever possible. (c) play playing ing up his or her accomplishme accomplishments. nts. (d) av avoiding oiding conflict. conflict. 8. The boundary of time that must be assertively assertively defended refers to a person’s right to: (a) a healthy balance between between worplace worplace and personal needs. (b) the efficie efficient nt use of time spent at wor. wor. (c) time ma manage nagement ment pri principles nciples.. (d) reduce woring woring hours as he or she approaches retirement.
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PRE-TEST
i 9. The abstract ideals we adhere to, to, and for which we we wish to be nown no wn are: are: (a) leg legac acy y goals. goals. (b) (b) ne need eds. s. (c (c)) valu alues es.. (d) rig rights hts.. view that the glass is half full, gives gives us the 10. ________________, or the view courage and incentive we need to pursue what we want. (a) Deep-s Deep-seated eated pessim pessimism ism (b) Strat Strategic egic thinin thiningg
(c) Sel Self-d f-dece eceptio ption n (d) Positiv ositivee thining
11. In a “high power distance culture,” subordinates are liely to tell their superiors: (a) exactly exactly w what’ hat’ss on their minds. (b) what the they y thin their superiors want to to hear. (c) as much as the they y are ased ased to tell. (d) personal confidences confid ences that their superiors may not want to now now.
12. Assertiveness: (a) is a mode of behavior that people are born with, but w which hich they they cannot develop. (b) is only useful for people in supervisory or managerial managerial positions. (c) must be suppressed w when hen dealing with with senior people in the organization. (d) can be de developed veloped through learning and practice.
13. To come across as an assertive asser tive communi communicator, cator, you you should: (a) avoid beginning beginning your sentences with “I thin . . . .” (b) give give all the details, then state your ey ey message. (c) alw always ays put it in wri writing. ting. (d) apologize apologize first for the problem. problem.
14. In confronting unsafe or unhealthy w worplace orplace conditions, assertive people: (a) whi whine ne to their bosses. bosses. (b) compla complain in among themsel themselves ves.. (c) pose thei theirr concerns as problems problems that need to be solve solved. d. (d) loo for the company’ company’ss point of view. view.
15. An assertive assertive person will tae tae credit for his or her accomplishments, but will also: (a) avoid activ actively ely taing responsibility for failures. (b) tae responsibility for mistae mistaess made by by others. (c) remind peo people ple of his or her successes whene whenever ver possible. possible. (d) acno acnowledg wledgee the contribut contributions ions of others. © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
ASSERTING YOUR OURSEL SELF F AT WORk
16. In Maslow’s Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, ___________________ is a high-level
need. (a)) food (a food (b) (b) sa safet fety y (c (c)) sh shel elte terr (d) self-e self-esteem steem wn mista mistaes es and the 17. ____________ have trouble accepting their oown mistaes of others. (a) Prag Pragmat matist istss (b) Objec Objecti tivists vists (c) Perfe erfecti ctioni onists sts (d) Caree Careerr climbers
18. Which of the following following countries has a collectivist cultu culture? re? (a) Uni United ted Stat States es (b) Unite United d kingdom kingdom (c (c)) Ca Cana nada da (d)) Japan (d apan
19. Constant criticism, diminishing or denying denying a person’s achie achievements vements,, public humiliation, screaming, blaming, the silent treatment, and maing threats (of job loss) are indicators of: (a) microm micromanage anagement. ment. (b) ex excessi cessive ve supervis supervision. ion. (c) bul bullyi lying ng.. (d) multi multitasin tasing. g. A situation in which agagressiveness eness behavior is: 20. (a) gi giving ving feedbac feedb ac toaggressiv subordin subordinate. ate.may be appropriate behavior (b) establishing a relationship with a ne new w co-worer co-worer.. (c) taing charg chargee during an emergency emergency. (d) enlisting collaboration within your team.
21. The greatest test of assertiveness is: (a) aligning verbal verbal and nonverbal messages. (b) dealin dealingg with hostile or difficult people. people. (c) moving from a passi passive ve to a passiv passive-aggressi e-aggressive ve state. (d) scoring a job interview. interview.
22. The building blocs of influence include: (a (a)) cunn cunning ing.. (b) substantial formal pow power er.. (c) credibility credibility and sel self-confi f-confidence. dence. (d) a lofty lofty goal. goal.
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PRE-TEST
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23. A person who comes comes to meetings prepared and who participates actively is liely to create ____ actively _________________________ _____________________ in the organization. (a (a)) ch char arism ismaa (b) con conflic flictt (c (c)) en enem emie iess (d) positi positive ve visibility visibility
24. An assertive assertive technique for diffusing another person’s criticism of you is: (a) negati negative ve inquiry. inquiry. (b) ranting ranting.. (c) becoming becoming aggre aggressi ssive. ve. (d) denial. denial.
25. The ability to change the thining or behavior behavior of others without applying (a) assertive assertiforce, veness. ness.threats, or formal orders refers to: (b) influen influence. ce. (c) behavior behavior modific modification. ation. (d) moti motiva vation. tion.
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1 A—Wa i i ad Wy i Ma Learning Objectives Objectives By the ed th chapte, y hd be abe t:
• Dee paty, aetee, ad ae•
. Expa hw azat that deped empyee empwemet ad team-baed w beet m aete empyee.
What d we mea by aetee? Why hd t matte t y ad t y azat? Hw de t deet m the mde beha ad cmmcat? Th chapte dee what meat by aetee ad hw t ctat wth pae ad aee mde, whch ca edce a pe’ wpace eectee eectee ad caee cce.
Assertiveness DefineD Assertiveness a mde pea beha ad cmmcat chaactezed Assertiveness chaactezed by a we t tad p e’ e’ eed ad teet a pe ad dect way. ay. The aet aetee pe tad p th that matte t hm he whe at the ame tme epect the th that matte t the. Y’e ’e pbaby w pepe wh e e th de det: t: the b wh pe t y dea, bt wh eee the ht t mae a dec; the c-w c-we e wh ’t aad t pea p d meet ad t deed he ewpt.
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oursElf Elf AT Work AssErTing Yours
t A Md Pepe wh wh ct the assertive assertive mde mde ate the w eed ad teet and and ecze ecze the eed ad teet the. They d th the ppe baace. Aete A ete pepe hae hae a t ee e-eteem that aw them t ptect the ht. They e pe, dect, ad het cmmcat wth the. Whe they ee ay pet, they ct the ce ce the ae mmedatey a bjecte way. They mae themee be azat ad w cabatey wth the. They They tae tae epbty the dec ad beha beha,, ad w p t the mtae. The They y ae cacated ca cated -tae.
sme aete pepe wee aed amate, a mate, t emet that pded e mde caee cce. othe othe dd t hae the adaadatae pte pte chdhd e mde. They They che t ecme ecme btace ad becme aete, ee that mde beha ad cmmcat a the bet way way t peate ad t each the a. Aetee bet detd eat t tw ey deet ad pp m pea pe a beha ad cmmcat: paty ad ae.
Pay Passivity a aete cdt chaactezed by bmee ad a ea Passivity we t tad p e’ eed ad teet. The pa paee pe hd bac m attempt t ece the, ad tead aw the t ece hm he ad depect h he ht ht ad bdae. Becae the pae pe de t aet h he ew ae the beha, h he ew ae eeay cea w t the, ma dae ad dea ha dct. Pepe wh wh ct th thee pae ( -aete) mde te adde the eed ad cce cce the bee they adde adde the w. They They w be qc t apze, metme th they dd’t d. They’e ced t be qet, t-pe, ad ee tmd. They They pee t be be, athe tha be azat. They They d t dct t pea p meet pea t abt th that pet them. They They hae tbe accept cmpmet. rathe tha ct a pe tat decty, they w hd the ee de cmpa abt the pbem t mee ee. Whe they ee ay, they’e apt t ppe t. Paee pepe d t had Pa ha d t tad p the th e ht ad may aw pepe t ate the bdae. Thee dda may cme m t cte that te pea eathp e dda acheemet. T They hey may hae pet the mate yea cectt athe tha cmpette tat. i eea, me m e wme tha me ae -ae -aet te, e, bt that’ bee cha wmeadate tae hhe pt the wpace—ad eat awme m pea edcat pam.ew eWhat de a pae pe d d e? Cde th exampe: rache wa e a pject i deeed t et. i hae me expeece ad, i beee beee,, am bette qaed. qa ed. i ee eted dea hw t et the pject . nw rache w e my dea ad AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
AssErTivEnEss —WHA HAT T iT is AnD WHY iT MATTErs
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et the cedt. i admt, he bbed M. Ce petty had the amet. i dd’t. i jt dd’t ee cmtabe pmt mye e that. Ae y a pae pe at w—ethe t dteet, ea, ac cdece? D y w the wh demtate the chaactetc paty: a ceae wh edm pea p d meet whe dec that aect hm ae be made; a bdate wh ectat t hae he dea wth y?
Agg A a m pea beha cmmcat cmmcat, , aggression aggression the ppte paty. The aee pe ha ectace mp h he ew the, ham the teet the pt h he w. rathe tha cabate wth the, the aee pe pee t dmate, theat, azata azata athty, by whe eceay. He he ted t mcmaae the w bdate; th mt be de h he way. Th pe et the ece the ee a e pwe. i may cae, the aee pe awae h he eect the—th pe pe th that he he mpy be aete. Cde th exampe: i jt t a 360-deee pemace eew m my ta, b, ad pee. They ad that i eem beed wth mcmaa the depatmet. My dect ept cam they hae tte pt t dec ad that i mee t bame whe th w. They cam that i e my pwe t bette them. smee ee ed the wd “txc” t decbe me. Txc! Txc! Whee dd that cme c me m? i d’t ee mye that way way. i ph my ta t pem aatt a pea ee, a ay d maae wd. Ee , mbe hae h ae bee dw the at tw qate. My b th thee’ a betwee my tye ad the dappt et. Pepe wh ct the aee mde ate the w eed ad teet t. The eed ad teet the ae away ecday. remcet the d set e that “What’ me me, what’ what’ y etabe,” they they tad p the ht, bt te at the expee the. Aee pepe hae tte tbe accept cmpmet ad may tae cedt the pepe’ w. They’e They’e te d ad be azat. They hae dcty ct ct the ae ad may hmate the pbc. They They ate the pepe’ bdae. idect m ae, ch a acam, ae ed t pt dw ct the. sme aee pepe cme m ache cte that ae dda cce me tha pea eathp. They may hae pet the mate yea cmpette athe tha t ca tcte. i eea, me me tha wme ae ae aee, e, athh that’ cha, epecay hhy cmpette cmpette ed.
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A Mxd Md: Pa-Agg Ba A bet the pae pa e mde wth met hee— passi passive-agg ve-aggressi ressive ve beha.. A we’ beha we’e e dced, pepe wh ae pae te hae tbe ct tat that pet them pe ad dect way. itead, they ae ced t te the ae a e,, ad the cmpa abt ab t the pe tat t mee ee— eah the ae dw the ad at mee wh had th t d wth the pbem. i ht, pepe wh behae a pae-aee way ae pae whe a tb tat ae, bt aee et the ae. The attbte paty, aetee, ad ae ae mmazed Exhbt 1-1. Y ca pbaby ee the pety the aete mde beha ad cmmcat e e paty ad ae—bth m a pea cac aee ad azata azata eectee eectee pepect pe pecte. e. By be pe t ece, aete pepe ae abe t ece the et. By deed the ew ad ht m emet, aete pepe mata the pt.
xhibit 1-1 The Passive-Assertive-Aggressive Continuum
Passivity
• Does not stand up for his/her interests and viewpoints, but submits to those of others • Does not share his/her views on what’s important • Allows others to disrespect his/her opinions and rights • Does not try to influence others
Asser tiveness
• Speaks his/her mind • Makes his/her agenda clear • Not afraid to attempt to influence others • Respects the views and rights of others • Defends his/her views, rights, and boundaries against infringement • Controls anger
Aggression
• Aims for dominance over others • Imposes his/her views on others • Does not respect views or boundaries of others • Resistant to influence by others • May lose control of his/her anger • Uses threats to get
• Demonstrates a lack of confidence in dealing with more assertive people • More inclined to react than to act
• Uses aggressive behavior defensiv defensively ely • Is open to influence even as he/she seeks to influence others
his/her way • Is “in your face” • Aims to be highly visible visi ble
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Aee c-we c-we ec ecze ze that aete ae te pepe mt be tae ey ad appached wth epect. Whe aet aetee pepe pea the md e that matte t them ad t theazat azat,ad they ctbtet t mptat dec—theeby hap the ec dect. Hhe maaemet, pee, ad bdate ae ee aete dda a pepe t be eced wth—pepe wth meth t ctbte. Th te taate t eate caee pptte. i ctat, pae pepe ae e eae at a team, daw a by the cet, bt ma mpact the dect peed the w. They w hae ew pptte adacemet. Aee pepe, the the had, may ceate pbem the azat ad the ad them. Whe ae may et them what they wat may cae, the beha w p p ee cty the . C-w C-we e whe ew ad ht ae t epected w tp e hep. Pee whe ht ae ed w becme eeme ad may actey deme the ae. Whe ce be mae e mtae et t th tat, e wat t cme t the ad.
Asser ssertive tiveness ness AnD the neW WorkPlAce The typca wpace ha bee tamed—m a ey cted ad tated emet t e that me pe ad depedet the tate empyee at a ee. Th ew wpace beet m empyee aetee. ut a ew decade a, mt azat wed a cmmad-adct mde whch mat abt ctme ad peat wed pwad thh the cha cmmad t the tp. We cmmcated
wth the pe. The pe decded what mat wa eeat e at t pa p t the ext ee, ee, ad . Baed that mat, dec wee made at the tp ee ad the cmmcated dwwad dwwad thh the ame cha cmmad. The pepe at ea the tp dd a the th, decd, ad de; the pepe bew wed the de. hatwd cmmad-ad-ct memet maaemet ha aey e way t a T ew empyee empyee empw empwemet ad team-baed w, w, bthway whch deped the tate ad cabat empyee at a ee. Employee empowerment ee empowerment ee t a maaemet tye that e bdate btata dcet hw they accmph the bjecte. Maae expa what eed t be de, bt eae t p t bdate t d the bet way t d t. Thee ame maae t the empyee—wh ae mch ce t the act— the dea ad data whch the dec w be made. Empweed empyee ae a e eate athty e cmpay ece. f exampe, a empyee wh dea decty wth ctme may be athzed—wtht t chec wth h he b—t e ebate ebate,, dct, ed,et thethat ece de tctbte ee pbem cect e. reeach empwemet t eate empyee mtat, mt at, pdctty p dctty,, ad wpace atact. © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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AssErTing Yours oursElf Elf AT Work
Team-based w wth pemed a cdated mae by a et empy empyee, ee, tework dda ey deet . May mptat ctme acct ae w w haded by team that cde, exampe, exampe, a aepe, a techca ppt pecat, ad a ctme ece epeetate. Thee team membe hae mat ad dea, ad w tethe t et ad eep the acct. lewe, lewe, ew pdct ae te deeped by ccta team that cde eee, maet ad maact pee, ad aca pecat. Paty ad ae ae detcte bth empyee empwemet ad team-baed w. Empyee empwemet deped pepe ta chae ad pea p; aetee beha peata mpemet eqed. Ad becae empwe empweed ed empy empyee ee ae hed epbe et, they they mt hae the cdece ad bacbe t ptect the abty t th ad act. Team a deped p the cce the aetee the membe. Ee whe thee a ma eade, eade, team membe mt hae the cdece t hae dea ad mat, ad mae a t cae ew ad bette way way d the w. Whe team dec ae made, each membe’ ce matte. A aee, e-aadz dda txc t a mthy ct team. Thee’ m a pe wth a “d e-
eat” peaty. lewe, lewe, a pa pa ee team membe e ey y t ctbte a mch a he he hd.
Think About It . . . Do you work in a team-based workplace? If you do, reflect for a moment on the behaviors and communication styles of both you and your teammates. Would any fit our description of passivity? If they do, briefly describe the impact of that passivity on the effective functioning of your team.
Does anyone on your team display aggressive behavior? Describe how that behavior affects affects the work of your team and its i ts operational results.
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HAT T iT is AnD WHY iT MATTErs AssErTivEnEss —WHA
7
A a a sgag Mam The ew wpace deped pepe be aabe be t atcate the ccce ce ad epd apppatey t the. the . D y cmmcate wth a apppate ee aete aetee? e? Aetee Aet ee ha a tata cmpet becae we ew me th a me mptat mp tat tha the the. . We’e We’e atay me w t pea p me th tha the; the ; we et th that ae’t wth the et that we ca cmmt eey t the that ae. i th ee, aete
cmmcat a ae ad cde mptat. f exampe, yed may at caeabt wheewhat ywe cmpay hd t aa hday paty, bt y do do cae cae abt the cmpay’ ma detem t aa b. o pehap pehap t’ the the way ad. Y Y may cae eaty aabt bt the me becae a me eabate aa ed a meae abt hw mch the cmpay ae y ad y team. i ay eet, y’e the y e wh ha the ht t decde thee th. Be aete e e thee et the pepe w whee y tad ad what y ew a mptat. A pae pae pe wh ee tad p pea t a ed a a t the—te the —te the w e: “Whatee “Whatee y y decde ay wth me me,” ,” “i d’t cae e way the the.” What a d thee tatemet ed?
A a lad Ba Ae y pae y cmmcat at w ad tated tated by hw t’ hd y bac? D y hae a habtay aee appach t dea wth the—a the—a appach y’d e e t chae? i y aw aweed eed “ye” t ethe qet, thee’ d ew. it’ pbe t chae. Y ca ea t be aete— whatee whate e y expeece ad emta emta maep—ad matte hw ax ax y mht ee abt t a ty. Y ca chae patte beha that peet y m becm the aete pe y wat t be. it’ ma t the qet, “Ae “Ae eade made b b?” ?” sme pepe hae ata eadehp , whe the mt w t acqe the thh ea ad pactce. Ad t w w be wth y qet t becme me aete. ae te. T The he wede y a th ce, c e, cmbed wth ea pactce, w mae aete aete beha ad cmmcat cmmca t ecd at atee t y. y. The t t tep tw twad ad that a e-detad, the bject the ext chapte chapte..
Exercise 1-1 Identify the Mode
Read the following scenario, then answer the questions. The monthly sales meeting followed its usual pattern. Rolf, the district sales manager, chaired the meeting from his seat at the head of the conference table table.. He glared at his subordinates over the rim of his glasses and said, “Well, you have last month’s results in front of you. They’re pathetic.” Then raising his voice, he yelled, “They stink!” Except for Ellen, the five salespeople at the table and Rolf’s secretary all avoided eye contact with their boss. bos s. They found it safer to look down at the report repor t in front of them. Unlike Rolf, the repor reportt wouldn’t bite them. Exercise 1-1 continues on next page. © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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AssErTing Yours oursElf Elf AT Work
Exercise 1-1 continued from previous page. Then Ellen spoke up. “Yes, we’ve had a bad month overall,” she said directly to Rolf. Then diverting her gaze in turn to each of the others, she continued. “Each “Each of us can certainly do better better.. And we have a number of opportunities to do so. Let me list them briefly, starting with the Acme account, where an order decision is pending.” Ellen’s confidence in speaking about several opportunities to bring in sales relieve relieved d some of the tension and fear that Rolf had cast over the group. Nevertheless, the others remained silent, si lent, speaking only to answer questions put to them directly by R Rolf olf or Ellen. When the meeting ended, Ellen Ell en stayed behind to talk with Rolf; Rol f; the rest quickly e exited xited the conference room and scurried back to their cubicl cubicles. es. Later that day, Jim and Suzanne, two of Rolf’s sales people, encountered each other in the coffee room. “That meeting was appa appalling. lling. Rolf is such a jer jerk,” k,” Jim opined. “If I didn’t need the commission income so badly, I’d let my sales go to pot next month just to make him look bad as sales manager. If we all did tha that, t, do you think they’d fire hi him?” m?” This was dangerous talk. Suzanne finished pouring her coffee and quickly left the room. 1. Which of the char characters acters in this scenario would y you ou describe as aggressive? Explain.
2. Which char character acter dem demonstrated onstrated assertive beha behavior vior and communication? Explain.
3. Which character displayed passive-aggr passive-aggressive essive behavior? Explain.
4. What pa passiv ssive e beha behavior vior did y you ou see in th the e scena scenario? rio?
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re
p
9
Aetee a mde pea beha ad cmmcat chaactezed by a we t tad p e’ eed, cce, ad teet a pe ad dect d ect way way. Aetee et ee tad ctat wth tw the mde: paty
ad ae. Paty ad a aaete cdt t chaactezed by bmee, ea we tad p e’ eed ad teet. The pae pae pe h hd d bac m attempt t ece the, ad tead aw the t ece hm he ad depect h he ht ad bdae. o the ppte ed the beha ctm ae. ae . The a aee ee pe ha ectace mp h he ew the, ham the teet the pt h he w. Th pe pee t dmate the tha t cabate wth them. Theat, mcmaa, ad by ae ed t et h he way. Becae the aete aete mde beha ad cmmcat c mmcat me cmpatbe wth wpace that embace empyee empwemet ad teambaed w, t ha caee ad azata beet that paty ad ae ac. Aetee a act a a a mecham, te te the what the aete aete pe cde mptat. A pe’ ata mde beha ad cmmcat may be a pdct h he pb. Hwee,, that ata mde ca be chaed thh ea ad pactce. ee
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AssErTing YoursElf AT Work
Review Questions INSTRUCTIONS: Here is the first set of review questions in this course. Answering the questions following each chapter will give you a chance to check your comprehension of the concepts as they are presented and will reinforce your understanding of them. As you you can see bbelow elow,, the ans answer wer to to each each numbe numbered red qquesti uestion on is printed printed to tthe he side side of the que question. stion. Before Before beginning, you should conceal the answers by placing a sheet of paper over the answers as you work down the page. pag e. Then Then read and and answ answer er each each question. question. Compare Compare your an answe swers rs wit withh those gi given. ven. For any any questions questions you answer incorrectly, make an effort to understand why the answer given is the correct one. You may find it helpful to turn back to the appropriate section of the chapter and review review the material of which which you were unsure. At any any ra rate, te, be su sure re yo youu unders understand tand all all the rev review iew question questionss bef before ore ggoing oing on to the next chapter chapter.. 1. Aetee Aetee ca be a ________________ ett the pepe w what y y th mptat. (a) a a mecha mecham m (b) bte bte ee (c) (c) p pxy (d) ta ta d dcat cat
1. (a)
2. A pe’ beha ad cmmcat mde: (a) a ateabe ateabe ceq ceqece ece cazat cazat. . (b) eated eated t pb pb ad eexpee xpeece. ce. (c) ca be chaed chaed thh thh e ea a ad pa pactce. ctce. (d) ha caee caee c ceqe eqece. ce.
2. (c)
3. Whch Whch the w type wpace deped empy empyee ee
3. (d)
aetee cce? aetee (a) A heachc heachca a w wp pace ace (b) A cmmad-adcmmad-ad-ct ct w wpace pace (c) A tate tated d wpa wpace ce (d) A team-bae team-baed d w wpace pace 4. Y ae the aee aee mde y:
4. (b)
(a) te t the the ad mth th th e e t e eep ep the peace. (b) am t t dmate dmate the. (c) ae qc qc t admt y y mt mta ae. e. (d) e e baaced cm cmpmet pmet ad ctcte ctcte ctcm. 5. Be aete mea: (a) ptt ptt the pe pepe’ pe’ eed ad teet teet t. (b) tad p e’ e’ eed ad teet pe ad dect way. (c) away away pa pay y t w, matte w what hat the ct. (d) cmb eate bth the pae pae ad aee aee mde. mde.
5. (b)
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2 P B P B w s-aw Learning Objectives Objectives
By th d o th chapt, yo hold b abl to:
• Atclat
yo oal ad motvato o
b mo a tv. atv . ow tad o th pawh yo • Dcb
• • •
v-atv-av cotm. Lt y lc yo l that act yo atv a tv. . Dcb th ol o chldhood xpc, tac, ad pctom hap yo atv atv po pol. l. Dcb th ol o atttd, l-tm, ad l-codc hap yo atv tv po pol. l.
Th pvo chapt dd atv a tv ad dtd t val to yo ca ad to th oazato yo wo o. H w ht th oc om th bjct o atv to yo, th ad. W W am to hlp yo dtad yo motvato motv ato o bcom bc om mo atv a tv ad, thoh a l-tt, l-tt, povd a way way to ma wh yo a ow o th pav-atv-a pav-atv-av v cotm. Oc yo ow wh yo yo tad, w wll o th, pob th l lc that hav cotbtd to yo ct mod o bhavo ad commcato. Th act o coz th lc wll hlp yo cotol thm.
Benchmarking Your motivations Bo w t to yo atv pol, lt’ add yo motvato. What tato o coc boht yo to th o ta th co?
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OurseLf eLf AT WOrk AsserTing YOurs
W yo td o b a doomat o mo av popl at wo? i yo’ a av typ, phap yo watd to “to t dow” at ya o alat popl wth yo mpl to alway alway t th pp had. Phap yo lot yo job o th a yo watd, o yo w pad ov o pomoto. Phap yo bodat cow wh thy yo o ba dow wh yo pmad thm—o v wo, ht dow altoth. Phap yo bo, a colla, o a lovd o td yo p o a atv tv ta.
Whatv yo motvato, ta th tm ht ow to th abot t ad yo tato. Wt dow yo yo aw to th qto qt o exc exc 2-1. Aw ach qto hotly ad lly. u a paat ht o pap yo d mo pac. kp th woht hady o that yo ca ma yo po a yo mov mov thoh th co. co .
Exercise 2-1 Your Goals and Motivations Answer each of the following questions about your goals and motivations. 1.What situation or event prompted you to seek assertiveness training?
2. What do you e expect xpect to change or accomplish as a result of this course?
Exercise 2-1 continues on next page.
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Exercise 2-1 continued from previous page. 3. How do you visualize yourself once y you ou have achiev achieved ed your desired results?
How dd yo aw aw th qto exc 2-1? Phap lo a pomoto o mpotat mpo tat amt to a mo a atv tv co-wo co-wo yo motvato o ta co. ad Phap atcpat bht ca t by bcom lth av moyo atv. Caa yo valz yol maa popl d dclt tato way that a pctl yt m? Whatv Whatv yo po, ta a momt to poc thm ad th dply abot yo tyl o bhavo ad commcato, ad how both cold b chad to ma yo mo ctv at wo.
Your assertiveness Profile Th t tp towad bcom atv atv to abd by that w commad to “owthyl.” thyl. ” sl-aw sl-awa a th odato od ato o l-mpovmt. Td o c-a cd yo qt to a a mo atv atttd ad bhavo, yoTo cla da o who yo a, how yo ot to b what yo a, ad how yo pcv th wold. Whl th a o ay aw cv aw to th qto, yo may xpc om “aha” momt om tm to tm—v tm—vlato lato ad ht ht that pa yo maato ad t tly ly cha yo w way ay o th. Y Yt, t, p md that may popl pd ya o ol-ach wth pooal colo a ot ot to dtad th lv ad th otw otwad ad acto. Yo Yo qt o l l-aw -awa a may cot lo lo at yo complt th co. W coa yo to ma t a llo joy. Th pvo chapt dtd a cotm o bhavo ad commcato, a om pavty o o d, wth ao o th oth, ad atv th ct. Bo w o th, lt’ ta toc o wh yo ctly tad o that cotm. i yo atal clato to b pav, atv, o av? Th l-amt xc ptd exc 2-2 wll hlp yo aw that qto. A yo complt th xc, b a hot a yo ca. Yo wll total ad valat yo co lat.
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
Exercise 2-2 Your Assertiveness Profile
Read each statement carefully. Fill in the most appropriate answer according to the way you typically behave in your work or office environment. Rarely Sometimes Most of (or Never) the Time
1. When someone says something that upsets me, hold my feelings in or complain about it later to others.
_____
_____
_____
2. When I’m angry, I fly off the handle.
_____
_____
_____
3. I stand up for my needs and interests at work and acknowledge the needs and interests of others.
_____
_____
_____
4. It’s a competitive world, so I strive to get mine while I can.
_____
_____
_____
5. I take calculated risks and view my mistakes as a learning experience.
_____
_____
_____
6. I smooth things over to keep the peace.
_____
_____
_____
7. When someone says something that upsets me, I inform him or her of my feelings right away.
_____
_____
_____
8. When I criticize someone, I start with the word “you,” as in, “You never come to meetings on time.”
_____
_____
_____
9. I replay upsetting conversations or situations over and over in my mind.
_____
_____
_____
10. W hen ita as sub rdinate or to comy -woauthority. rk rke er expresses dissent, I view aochallenge
_____
_____
_____
11. I take responsibility for my decisions and actions at work without blaming others.
_____
_____
_____
12. When someone compliments me, I brush it off.
_____
_____
_____
13. I don’t admit my mistakes to others.
_____
_____
_____
14. I’m reluctant to give negative feedback to my teammates, subordinates, or boss.
_____
_____
_____
15. My s su ubordinates a an nd c co o-workers appear to b be e afraid o off me.
_____
_____
_____
16. I give advice to others when they haven’t asked for it.
_____
_____
_____
17. When someone compliments me, I accept it and say, say, “Thank you.”
_____
_____
_____
18. I find it difficult to ask for feedback on my job performance.
_____
_____
_____
19. In meetings, I express my ideas and listen carefully to the ideas of others.
_____
_____
_____
20. I hesitate to take risks on my job.
_____
_____
_____
21. I put my needs and interests before the needs and interests of others.
_____
_____
_____
22. I welcome construc ructive crit riticism and use it to improve my job performance.
_____
_____
_____
Exercise 2-2 continues on next page.
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Exercise 2-2 continued from previous page. stim ofe (oR ra Nreevlyer) Sometimes tM heoT
23. When someone strongly opposes my viewpoint, I back down.
_____
_____
_____
24. When someone says something that upsets me, I respond with sarcasm or a put-down.
_____
_____
_____
25. I respect the opinions of others, even when they disagree with me.
_____
_____
_____
26. In meetings, I keep my ideas to myself.
_____
_____
_____
27. When I do something that hurts someone else, I acknowledge it and apologize, then move on without dwelling on it.
_____
_____
_____
28. I feel uncomfort rta able expressing disagreement with my boss or other authority figures.
_____
_____
_____
29. If someone shouts at me during a disagreement, I shout back.
_____
_____
_____
30. I focus on objective behavior when giving negative feedback.
_____
_____
_____
Y s now that yo’v compltd exc 2-2, yo’ ady to dty yo atv pol at wo. Yo may hav ott a o that pol a
yo compltd th xc. Bt yo’ll oly ow o by tally yo co. A yo a lttl vo abot th? i yo a, jt bt th bllt ad ollow th tcto blow. blow. ft, v yol 10 pot o ach “Mot o th Tm” yo mad. Awad 5 pot o ach “somtm”; ad v yol a 0 o ach “raly “raly (o nv).” nxt, total yo co a ollow: (a) Add p yo yo pot o tatmt # 1, 6, 9, 12, 14, 18, 20, 23, 26, ad 28. Th pt th pav mod. Yo hht pobl total co 100. rcod your rcod your passive score h: score h: ______ (b) Add p yo yo pot o tatmt # 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 21, 24, ad 29. Th pt th av av mod. Yo hht pobl co 100. rcod your aggressive rcod your aggressive score h: score h: ______ (c) now add yo pot o tatmt # 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 22, 25, 27,
ad Th pt th atv mod. Yo hht pobl total30. 100. rcod your assertive score h: rcod your score h: ______ © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
ip Y s u th ollow tabl to tpt yo co, b wth th pav mod. Mode Passive
Points
90-100
Extremely high passive
80-89
Highly passive
70-79
Moderately high passive
55-69
Moderately passive
40-54
Low-moderate passive
Less than 40 Aggressive
Profile
90-100
Mildly passive Extremely high aggressive
80-89
Highly aggressive
70-79
Moderately high aggressive
55-69 40-54
Moderately a ag ggressive Low-moderate aggressive
Less than 40 Assertive
Mildly aggressive
90-100
Extremely high asser tive
80-89
Highly asser tive
70-79
Moderately high asser tive
55-69
Moderately asser tive
40-54
Low-moderate asser tive
Less than 40
Mildly asser tive
How dd yo co? i yo cod th hh h h a o th pav mod o th av mod, mod, loo at th th tatmt yo mad “Mot o th Tm” ad “somtm.” Th dcb bhavo ad atttd you atttd you need to change change or avoid avoid yo w wat at to b mo atv. nxt, tdy tdy th tatmt that dcat dcat th atv mod (# 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 22, 25, 27, ad 30). Th dcb bhavo ad atttd yo hold actvly to yo habt. i yohav cod th hh a oll th atv mod (80dvlop o hh), alady xcllt atv may aa. Yo Yo may wat to th co co to hac tho ll, whch cld vbal, ovbal, ovbal, ad mltcltal aatv tv. . i yo cod 70 o l o th atv mod, loo at tatmt yo mad “somtm” o “raly.” Th Th pt oppott o mpovmt. mpovmt. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
17
Think About It . . . Now that you’ve determined you own assertiveness asser tiveness profile, think about the profiles profil es of at least three of your subordinates. How do you think they would score (moderately assertive, mildly passive, aggressive) on the same same self-assessment test? Write in their names and your best guess at their profiles below.
1. ___ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____ __
______ _________ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ____ _
2. ___ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____ __
______ _________ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ____ _
3. ___ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____ __
______ _________ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ____ _
If you understand their profiles, you will be in a better position to give them feedback, feedback, manage disagreements, select team members for projects, and so forth.
m Y m s Althoh atv th bt all-aod mod o woplac ctv, tv , th a tm wh t may ma to adopt th a pav p av (o-atv) (o-a tv) o av mod. f fo o xampl, yo co-wo ha a c chld ad d to ta th xt day o. Yo had plad to b ot o th oc that day o clt call, bt pct that po’ d to b hom ad povd ca. Yo chdl yo appotmt ad tll yo cowo ot to woy abot ta th day o. i mov om atv to o-atv mod, yo’v pt yo co-wo’ d bo yo ow bca yo ca abot yo lo-tm latohp wth that mploy. Av A v alo appopat omtm—o xampl, d a mcy. mcy. Lt’ ay that a mploy mploy ha all dow th ta. H may hav bo bo, had a coco, o d hat al. no o ow h codto ad val popl h to h ad, bt claly thy do’t ow what thy’ do. Bca yo’v had xtv t ad ta ad xpc, yo ph thm ad ad avly ta cotol, hot od a yo td to th jd po: “Bll, call 9-11 ad t a amblac h ht away away.. sally, sally, to th cl clot ot ad b two havy coat; w do’t wat hm o to hoc.” Mov om th atv to th av mod ma pct th ca. Oth popl wll ally wlcom yo av “ta cha” acto a mcy. Av bhavo may alo b appopat wh omo avly ty to volat yo l-pct o cla ht. W’ll hav mo o th Chapt 8, whch xpla how to hadl dclt popl ad th oc “blly.” “blly.”
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
Wha hat t influences Your assertiveness mode? now that yo’v dtd yo popty o b pav, atv, o av, t’ tm to cod th lc that hav dd yo towad that patcla mod o bhavo. i yo’ a pa patcla pav v o a av v typ ad wat to cha, yo that maycom b a “What m th Thalt l-dtad omyol, aw thatmad qto wll way?” hlp yo both yo bhavo ad yo commcato mod to o that mo ctv. Popl P opl a podct o both tc ad xpc: at ad t. g dtm o d, d, ac, body typ, tllc, popty o cta da, y colo, colo, ad oth tat. tat . som talt may b htd a wll. gtc htac may alo lc o poalt ad bhavo—althoh th xtt o that lc a matt o dbat. dba t. W W a alo podct po dct o o xpc—amly ad cltal tt, l-hap vt, tacto wth oth, ad o oth. Whth at o t to om o poalt, chaact, ad bhavo a bjct o damt ad claly byod th cop o th co. Howv, bcom mo lawa, t’ hlpl to loo at th awa, th tat w’v htd ad how th l lc c o lv. exc 2-3 o pa 19 v yo a oppotty to do that. no o wll a th tc lc th am way. O po who wt “mal” th d ow may dty th tat a a oc o potv l, xpla that h moth wa a potv ol modl who ov ovcam cam may ca obtacl a a phyct, ad bcam a to po th poc. i h vw, vw, b mal ha ha addd to h l-codc. l-co dc. Aoth woma wth a dt t o xpc may ma th mal tat a a atv. i cotat to tc tat, oth lc o o lv, ch a ococoomc tat, laa, dcato, lo, ad ltyl tm om o clt ad vomt. i yo’ a Aca-Amca mal om th Mdwt bo to a amly o mdcal docto, yo wll hav had dt xpc ad oppott tha a wht mal bo to a amly o Appalacha Appalacha coal m. i yo’ th chld o a alcoholc pat, yo’ll mot lly hav a dt otloo o l tha yo wold yo had pat who w modat d. W’ dalt dt had l. nvthl, w ca play tho had mo ctvly w dtad th vomtal ad cltal lc o lv. exc 2-4 o pa 20 v yo a oppotty to ot ad th abot tho lc. A wth th pvo xc lat to htd tat, ach podt’ pol ad commt a bod to b q. fo fo xampl, a blal po who domat clt Hpac Hpa c (ad lv th utd stat) may pot potv l towad th cltal bacod, ad blv that t add to h l-codc. Aoth po om th am cltal bacod may pot th oppot, ay that lv l v btw btw th two clt (Hpac ad Alo) ha b co ad ha dtactd om h l-codc ad l-tm. How dd yo pod to th cltal/vomtal c ltal/vomtal tat? Ha com-
plt th xc tmlatd yo th abot how yo bacod ha hapd yo poto o th pav-atv pav-atv-a -av v cotm? AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Exercise 2-3 Identifying Life Influencers: Inf luencers: Genetic Traits Traits
Fill in the genetic traits below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each one. Do you have positive, negative, or ambivalent feelings about these? Do you belie believe ve that these traits add add to or detr detract act from y your our self-confidence and self-esteem? Why?
© A m e r i c a n M a n h a g t t e p m : / / w e n w t w A . s a m o s c a i n a e t i t o . o n r . g A / l l r i g h t s r e s e r v e d .
Trait
Description
Positive Feelings Positive (Yes or No)
Negative Feelings (Yes or No)
Ambivalent Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/ Esteem Estee m (Yes (Yes or No)
Intelligence Talent #1 Talent #2 P
Gender
r O g r e s s
Race
B e g i n s W i T H
Height
s
Body Type
e L f
A
Health
W A r e n e s s
(Inherited) Voice Other
1 9
2
Exercise 2-4 Identifying Your Life Influencers: Cultural and Environmental Factors
0
Fill in the factors below. below. Then, evaluate your feelings about each. Do you have positive, negative, or mixed feelings about these? Do you believe that they add to detract from your self-confidence and self-esteem? Why? (Note: Some influencers, such as sexual orientation, have a profound impact on our lives. Yet, whether they derive from genetic o orr environmental factors is uncertain. T To o explore these influencers, use an “Other” category categor y in Exercise 2-3 or 2-4, or both. There are no right or wrong choices here.) Cultural/ Environmental Factors Birthplace/other places of h A M t t A p : C / / w O w M w . S a m e l f a S s t e u l d f s y t P u d r y o . g o r r a g
residence (such as urban, rural) Dominant culture (such as Latino, Celtic, Asian) Language(s) Religion Education
Description
Positive Feelings Negative Feelings Ambivalent (Yes or No) (Yes or No) Feelings (Yes or No)
Why?
Affects Self-confidence/ Esteem (Yes or No)
A s s e r T i n g
Y O u r s e L f A T
W O r k
/ m
Socio-economic status (such as upper middle class) Occupation (such as blue-collar, blue-collar, professional) Family structure and size (such as nuclear,, extended, one-parent) nuclear
Marital status Lifestyle (such as family, social, professional, spiritual)
PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
21
childhood exPeriences Th poc o la how to lv ad tact wth o’ clt ad amly tct calld socialization . it’ a poc that cot a vt ad xpc hap o lv. W’ at o mot mpoabl ta, howv, d aly chldhood, wth th boda o o hom ad mmv dat aml. Th ca w c cv v all that w ow; w lac ay compao wth whch to valat t ad dtm dt m whth t’ ood, bad, o btw. By th tm w mov mov byod o bacyad ad hav oth xp xpc, c, may o o atttd, bhavo patt, ad pcpto hav b omd. Majo vt aly l poodly hap adlt atttd ad bhavo. Tho, valat valat tho vt add aoth lay o dtad d tad o qt o l-owld ( exc 2-5).
Exercise 2-5 Identifying Life Influencers: Key Milestones of Childhood
1.Use this exercise to identify four key milestones of your childhood, both positive and negative. 2.Number the milestones in order of the most most influential influential (1 is highest) to the least least influential. influential. 3.Describe the insights this exploration reveals to you. Positive Milestones
Rank
Negative Milestones
Milestone 1:
Milestone 1:
Milestone 2:
Milestone 2:
Rank
Milestone 3:
Milestone 3:
Milestone 4:
Milestone 4:
Exercise 2-5 continues on next page. © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
Exercise 2-5 continued from previous page. Each person’s milestones mil estones will be uni unique. que. Consider this abbreviated example of Exercise 2-5 below. Positive Milestones
Rank
Milestone 1:
3
First plane flight. Trip to Disney World with Grandpa and Mom. (I was 6.) One of t the he ha happpiest piest time timess of of my li life. Milestone 2:
Milestone 1:
Rank
3
Kindergarten teacher punished me for for somet somethi hinng I did didn’t do. Made me stand in the corner and kept me in at recess. I felt humiliated. 5
Second piano recital when I was 8. Won award.
Negative Milestones
Milestone 2:
5
First piano recital when I was 7. Froz roze and ran ran from the the st stage. age.
Th potv potv ad at atv v mlto o th po’ aly chldhood—
cc, al, o dobt a lc o h lat appoach to poplad adlatohp -ta. What abothad yo? it’ mpotat to xplo th typ o th ca w cvd cvd a chld; whth t wa motly potv o atv, o whth w appcat, t, o hav mxd mxd l abot t, th ca co copoat poat th bhavoal ad commcato tyl w ot modl o adlt latohp, to cld tho at wo. At At all, that’ what w ow ow.. ev popl who dplo dplo th way thy w tatd a chld, ad who vow v to tat ayo l that way, ot do bca thy ollow th modl to whch thy w w xpctd to coom. Bd pat ad oth amly mmb, athoty ch a tach, lad, coach, adlv, mto alod mpact o wold vw. Wh wptal xplo th xplo lc o w w may bhavoal bhavoa l patt, commcato tyl, bl, ad motoal po that w’v w’v adoptd a o ow—omtm to o bt ad omtm ot ( exc 2-6).
Exercise 2-6 Identifying Your Your Life Influencers: Behavioral Models
In the spaces below, list adjectives that describe the behavioral styles of the primary behavioral models in your life. Were they affirming, controlling, loving, consistent, attentive attentive,, instructional, cri crittical, punitive, inconsistent, encouraging, inspiring, inspiri ng, autocratic, judgmental, forgiving, doting, tyrannical, sacrificing, positive, negative, etc.? List as many adjectives as apply, apply, including ones not listed here. Once you’ve done that, describe your reaction and insights. Exercise 2-6 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
23
Exercise 2-6 continued from previous page. Finally, write down the adjectives that best describe your behavioral style. What connection(s) Finally, do you see between that style and the styles of your behavioral models? (a) My mother’s behavioral style:
(b) My father’s behavioral style:
(c) My caregiver’s behavioral style (if applicable):
(d) Other key role model’s behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(e) Other key role model’s behavioral style (identify role and describe):
(f) Reaction/Insights:
(g) My behavioral style:
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
a y pzz by w w w e 2-6? h p p p. racto/iht:
My role models tilt toward controlling, unaffirming, and neggative. ne ative. Mot Mothe herr was was lovi loving and and af affir firmin ming, but but timid. timid. She She did nott stan no standd uupp fo forr he herrself self wit withh Dad Dad and and Unc Uncle le E Ed—o d—orr fo forr me and myteache brother Mr. our sc scie ience nce teac her, r, helped heand lpedsister. me gai ain n some soBabson, me con confidence, fide nce,middle-school eevven tho thoug ugh h girrls we gi weren’t ren’t eenc ncou ourraged to exce xcell iinn scie science nce or math. math. My bhavoal tyl:
Controlling, timid, negative, honest, caring, demanding of myself myse lf and and ot othe herrs. I see a co connnectio nectionn betw betwee eenn my titimidity midity and and my mot mother’s her’s timidit timidityy and and bet betw wee eenn my fat father’s her’s and and unc uncle’s controlling and demanding behavior. the transference traP udtad o lc hlp coz th d to whch w cay chldhood pcpto o th wold to o adlt lv. A w’v dcd, a po’ tacto a lmtd pmaly to cav cav ad th od commty o latv, tach, ad hbo d o omatv ya. W omatv W abob—ad ally adopt—th val ad bl ad way o tact wth oth. O bhavo ad mthod o commcato wth oth a a ot omd d tho aly ya. A w ow p, o accptac by oth ot dpd o how wll w adh to th val ad tadad. Th val ad tadad om o ablty val a blty to “t ” wth octy ad t alo a adlt. evtally, w mt, ad abot, bcom awa o, o wo wth popl om oth bacod ad clt. i w am that o val, bl, ad tadad a po, o w jd th bhavo bad o o tadad, w’ w’ a what athopolo athopolot t call ethnoc ethnocentric entric thinki thinking ng . W’ “ta” o val ad tadad to thm. Ad wh th popl do’t ma p tm o o val o tadad, w am that “th’ omth wo wth th popl.” Tac th oot o th ba ad pjdc that ta at latohp—btw dvdal, op, ad ato—ad th oot o th “i’m btt tha yo” atttd. Wh w a atv, w tad p oThat o o val ad “pct tada tadad d whl pct pct th val ad tadad o oth. lat pat, th val ad tadad o oth,” ot oott. i h boo, The Road Less Traveled , M. scott Pc wt abot tac om th pychatc pot o vw vw,, whch h d a “that t o way o pcv ad pod to th wold whch dvlopd chldhood ad whch ally tly appopat to th chldhood vomt . . . bt whch appopatly tad to th adlt vomt” (Pc,
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PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
25
1978). Pc dcb th dclt o a bht compt tchca who movd mov d om job to job thohot h ca ad who w had jt lt hm. A a chld, th tchca’ pat pomd hm may th ad th ald to lll thm, o at aoth. O ya thy actally oot h bthday. To avod b dappotd, h lad to accpt th alty o h pat’ hotcom adtotoadtt pom. A a adlt, h tad th patal dtt dttth o popl al, a tac that pt hm om hav a clo, lov latohp wth h w ad ccl tacto at wo. Whl t’ t’ mpota mpotatt to xam th alty o o chld chldhood hood xpc, t’ qally mpotat to avod pojct that alty oto o adlt tacto. To To b a atv tv, , w d to pct ach po a a q dvdal who ha h o h ow pcpto o th wold ad h o h ow t o val, bl, ad tadad. W d to loo at ach po’ bhavo objctvly ad ach tato o t mt. i do th, w’ll p o balac ad avod th tac tap.
Think About It . . . 1. Write about som some e of the fee feelings lings and percept perceptions ions you’v you’ve e carried with you int into o adult lif life e and transferred onto someone else or onto people as a group.
2. If any of these ffeelings eelings or perception perceptions s are negative negative,, identify at least one step you can take take to limit this transference in the future.
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
Perfectionism Perfectionism Perfectionism th bl that w o oth mt b pct o ht all o th tm. Pctot ba th dtty o b Whl pcto m a obl oal,ad ll-woth tac, t tpct. th way o o tacto. s pcto dt om tv o xcllc o wo. Pctot hav tobl accpt th ow mta mta ad th mta o oth. Thy play mta ov ad ov th md, atvly tv ly bat p thmlv ad oth oth th poc. Thy Thy t achabl achabl oal, ad th, al o all hot o o ma mta, pt o do th th thy d to do to ach tho oal. eathl wll coloz c oloz Ma bo pctot p ctot wl wlll ta . That may b a xaato, bt t t at th tth bca pctom pcto m volv volv mo tha a ac obo wth mta ad oal. it dlv dp to th pych at th lvl o l-tm.
• • • • • •
i th woplac, pctom ca ca may poblm: p oblm: A tam pd too mch tm batom th pct olto to a poblm. A compay dlay lach t w podct bca th podct lac all th “bll ad whtl” v v thoh com com may oly wat th bac. A maa aad to ty w da. A td mploy hold bac d mt, htat to pa p. A co-wo co-wo all apat d cot cotctv ctv ctcm. A dpatmt pd o mch tm oc o mta ad a blam that t v t aod to aalyz tho mta ad d way to avod thm th t. Th poblm o pctom ca b ovcom ovcom w:
• • • • •
st hh tadad v a w dty ad ov o v o hotcom. Dvlop pactcal acto tp t p tow towad ad o oal. Val olv aa wo po. Pactc coto co to mpovmt. Acowld mta ad tat thm a la xpc that ma
btt ad to. to. W hlp oth oth ovcom pcto p ctom m wh w pot ot what thy do wll. W ca d thm thoh th dap dappotmt potmt by hlp thm dcov (bt ot tll thm) how to coct th mta ad do btt th xt tm. Mot o all, w ca am th at woth a dvdal ad lt thm ow that, howv thy vw thmlv ad th tato, w coz th woth—law ad all. it ta tm ad ot to ma th tato om pctom, o to hlp ta that joy. Yt, t tm ad ot wll pt.
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PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
27
Think About It . . . What’s your own experience with perfectionism? How did you respond to mistakes you made as a child and teenager? Did you try to cover up mistakes? Did you feel the need to alwa always ys be right? Were you forgiving forgiving of yourself? Did you tr try y to find out why you made mistakes and how future occurrences could be avoided?
How did your parents and other behavioral behavioral models respond to your mistakes? Did they help you work through them? How did their response affect you?
How do you respond to mistakes you make today? Do you dwell on them, beat yourself up because of them, or learn from them? Does making a mistake encourage encourage you to av avoid oid risk-taking?
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28
AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
the role of attitude O atttd towad towad l—whth w td to b optmtc o pmtc, o whth w loo at otcom a hal-ll o hal-mpty la—act o ablty to bcom atv ad o wll to ta tp cay to t th. To b atv, w mt blv th poblty o th pobablty that w’ll ccd tad p o o d ad tt. i i w a domatd by atv atv th o th vw that th la la hal mpty mpty,, w a lly to tad p o olv: o lv: “W “Why hy o to th tobl? i ca’t w.” O th oth had, potv th—th vw that th la hal ll—v th coa ad ctv w d to p what w wat. so, a yo mov tp-by-tp towad mo atv bhavo, bhavo, pactc al alty-bad ty-bad optmm. optm m.
Think About It . . . How do you view the world and your circumstances most of the time? Like a half-full glass of water? Half-empty? Neither?
How does your worldview affect your willingness to stand up for what matters to you—and take risks?
self-est stee eem m an and d self-confidence Whl yo’ xplo l lc, cod yo l-tm ad lcodc. Self-esteem Self-esteem th way yo vw yo yo woth a a hma b ad th ht ht, whl self-confidence self-confidence yo “ o ablty”—th bl yo hav hav yo ablty to ach a oal o to pom a ta wll.
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PrOgress Begi egins ns WiT WiTH H seLf-AWAreness
29
it’ pobl to l codt abot yo ablt ad pomac ad tll lac a o yo complt woth. fo fo xampl, yo may may hav a ac o “cch” mb, ad ow that yo do th wll; vthl, yo
a lctat to a o a a a o a btt oc o c tato. Yo Yo may hav catv mat da ad xp thm o-o-o, tcd away yo cbcl, bt yo p thm to yol d mt bca yo p to b vbl, allow—o yo yo th—yo job pomac pa o tl tl.. To Yo b atv a tv, , yo l cod codt abot whatta. yo Howv, do ad alo l wothy. may l thatmt yo hav lttl ot th at th yo’ll d yo codc ad l-tm ow a yo ta ach tp towad atv bhavo.
Th chapt dvotd to l-awa. it ba by chall yo to dcb th poal oal ad motvato that pomptd yo to ta a co o bcom mo atv. it
re
p
th povdd a l-amt tt that allowd yo, th chapt’ co mthod, to dty yo ow o th pavatv-av cotm: yo “atv pol.” kow wh yo tad ht ow a mpotat t tp tt to wh yo dally wold l to b. it’ alo mpotat to dtad th “l lc” that ot yo to yo ct poto o th cotm. Tho cld yo tc bacod ad cltal ad vomtal acto yo l, bt alo th lc o pat, cav, tach, ad ol modl. exc th chapt coad yo to lct o how thy hav actd yo ct lvl o atv a tv. . i addto, yo w ad to loo at oth cotbto cotbto to yo ct atv (o lac tho): pctom, yo o optmtm o pmm, l-codc ad l-tm.
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AsserTing YOurs OurseLf eLf AT WOrk
Review Questions
Th amly poctct o la how to lv lv ad tact wth o’ clt 1. ad calld:
1. (c)
(a) ocalz ocalzat ato. o. (b) op dt dtcato cato. . (c (c)) adapt adaptat ato o.. (d) homo homo zat zato. o. 2. Whch o th ollow a vomtal lc? (a (a)) Tal al tt (b) edcat edcato o lv lvl l (c) itll itll c c (d (d)) rac ac 3. Adlt bhavo ad om o commcato a ot omd: (a) adoml adomly y. (b) almot alway alway b by y tamatc adlt xpc. xpc. (c) d d th th aly aly y ya a o l. (d) by th th dcato dcato y ytm. tm.
2. (b)
3. (c)
4. Whch o th ollow cold b a o-tc lc o atv lvl? (a (a)) Ha Ha colo colo (b) soco-coom soco-coomc c tat tat (c (c)) gd gd (d) ethc ethcty ty
4. (b)
5. __________________________ a xampl o a tcally htd tat. (a) A pm pmtc tc o otlo tloo o (b (b)) Body Body typ typ (c) Th ablty to wo wt wth h oth collaboat collaboatvl vly y (d) Th lv lvl l o phycal t t
5. (b)
Do you have questions? Comments? Need clarification? Call Educational Services at 1-800-225-3215 or e-mail at
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3
Biing Y Aivn
Learning Objectives Objectives By the e thi chapte, y h be abe t:
• Ietiy y ee, wat, iteet, a a•
e. Ietiy y ht-tem, itemeiate, a -tem a.
i a tateie t • Appy etiee eba eti cmmicati. c mmicati. • Appy i a tateie t
eep aeep a-
etiee witte cmmicati. eti
I the pei chapte thi c ce, e, y ietiie y aeti aetiee ee pie a y ie’ ey iece. Y i thi t ai eepe iiht a e-
wee—the it tep i y wth a a aetie iiia. Y’e w eay the ext tep. Thi chapte a the tw chapte that w pie ce ccept that wi hep y becme me aetie i y thht a acti. Bth ae imptat a ae imia t the mi-by cecti that aect phyica a meta heath. Aetie attite ppt aeti ae tiee behai, behai, which ppt aetie thht, which ppt aetie behai, a th. Ee , a Abeti a Emm pit t, “me pepe ep me eaiy t citie (thii) iteeti, the t behaia (acti) iteeti” (Abeti a Emm, E mm, 1995). Theee, Theee, they ecmme that y “pt mt y eey it whichee i mt hep t you.” (Ibid .).)
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Your Needs, WANts, I Nterests, VAlues, ANd GoAls Y ca’t thi aa act aetiey ti y eta what matte matte t y i y pea a peia p eia ie. Hee we eie “what matte” a y ee, wat, iteet, ae, a a. Tethe, they pie the ee ppe that wi p y twa a etiati that y must ta p , ee whe the i et th.
N Y ee ae the thi y ea a essential for basic physical and mental survival. The pychit Abaham Maw ciie thee i hi w am hieachy ee (Exhibit 3-1) which bei with the mt baic, phyica ee ch a a wate a ace t peiey peiey hihe ee ee ch a aety a ecity, e a a ee bei t the p, eeteem that cme m epect a eciti e’ accmpihmet, a—at the ey tp—e-actaizati, what e ee he he wa b t i ie i e (Maw, (Maw, 1943). Acci Acc i t Maw’ they, they, a hihe ee ee becme imptat y whe we ee ee ae atiie. f exampe, the ee e-actaizati becme imptat whe a ee ee i the hieachy hae bee tae cae . f exampe, y w’t ee a ee
e-eteem e-actaizati i y ha t eate i thee ay (phyiica ee) i y wee bei tae tae by a a teet teet th (aety ee). Whatee Whate e y ee, aetiee eqie that y ta p them. Ay time they ae theatee, a aam be h i y hea.
Think About It . . . Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a good tool for thinking about what matters to us at different stages of our lives. Take a look at Exhibit 3-1 and then answer the question: Where are you located on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?
Wan I ctat t ee, wat ae eie ch a ii t eat e eati t ie. i e. They They ice the awe t ch qeti a: What type ? What i hete? What type ca the taptati? Hw mch eep heathcae? What ee cia ctact cia tat? Pepe te ce wat with ee. Whie thee may be me eap, eap, wat ae ptia; ee ae t. Ecmit te that pepe hae imite wat. They et me thi they wat a the wat me a me. Wat ae a hihy mtiAMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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xhibit 3-1 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Self-Actualization Self-Esteem Love & Belonging Safety
33
Safety Physiological
atia. A ay tptch aepe wi te y, they e t pepe’ wat, athe tha t thei ee. Theee, Theee, wat hae a teme impact ie. I the eam aetiee, it’ imptat t piitize wat, becae the that matte mt ae thi which we wi mt iey tae a t ta.
In Iteet ae thi t which we caim cai m me iht, tite, ea ea hae—thi that ae iheety a which which we ee ee t etiate. etiate. A epatmet maae, exampe, ha a iteet i ecii that wi aect the abiity t pem hi he tie. Th, the maae, a t the maae’ b, ha iht t iect the actiitie ay iect ept ep t b a the iht t cctthe pemace appaia aybiate. I the wee t te the maae’ pepe what t , t te them t “Cme t me i y ee aymaae’ thi,” the maae w hae the iht t ta p t the b a aet the iht t peie hi he w pepe. uaetie ( paie) pepe may t hae ietiie the iht that matte t them. o they bac w t eaiy whe thei iht ae chaee. Aeie pepe, the the ha, wi by caim thei iht a hae ew qam abt iii the iht the. A exampe w w be a exectie tei the iect ept e hi he maae what t . With epect t the wpace, what iteet a iht ae we tai abt? Eey pe ha a iteet i maitaii ct e wpace actiitie which he he i iciay iciay epibe. liewie, eeye eeye ha a iht t: teate aiy a with epect. • Be teate • Expe hi he iea. t the jb we. • Hae the ece eee t © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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AssErTIng Yours oursElf Elf AT Work
• Be ambiti a et pea a caee a. -w epibiitie. • Hae time amiy a -w
A Abeti a Emm te: “Each ha the iht t be a t expe ee, a t ee (t pwee ity) abt i , a a we t ht the i the pce” (Abeti a Em, 1995). Tai a ta, caimi y iht, aa ptecti what matte matte t y witht hami mee ee i the eece thii a acti aetie aetiey y..
Va vae ae the abtact iea which we ahee a h t, a which we wih t be w. The They y epeet the ce hmaity. T Typica ypica ae ice iteity, ttwthie, aie, a yaty. sme ae matte me t cetai pepe a cte tha the. I a ie itati, pepe wi ea me tw twa a e ae tha athe, ee ee thh they may pe bth (Bwe a keeey, keeey, 2006). f exampe, a amiy may tit twa qaity ie e phyica ie whe mai the iict ecii t p the p the etiat a e e wh bai-ea. A etiat che cpeati e a cea icty i a i ab ettemet i e tmay bi a eatihip that wi tethe he cmpay e the tem. Becae ae pie the bai ecii-mai a behai, it’ imptat t w which e matte the mt. Thi wi hep y eta e ta why y ecie i a e ae e athe i a patica cicmtace, a why mee ee may ecie the ppite. ftheme, ecizi y ce ae wi hep y etabih the baie acceptabe a acceptabe behai the the twa twa y a the baie y behai twa the. Execie 3-1 i ie e y a pptity pp tity t ctempate y iqe et ee, wat wat,, iteet, a ae.
Exercise 3-1 Identify Your Your Needs, Wants, Wants, Interests, and Values Values
1. Fill in three three entries entries under each category below in order of preference. These should be the things that matter most to you, with number 1 being the most important. impor tant. 2. Fill in the a appro pproximat ximate e incom income e in the “Ne “Needs” eds” an and d “W “Wants ants”” categ categories ories..
Needs
1. _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ Approx. Income Needed: ____________________________
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Exercise 3-1 continued from previous page. Wants (Desires)
1. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 2. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 3. _________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ____________________ Approx. Income Needed: ____________________________
Interests (Things you want to protect)
1. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 2. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 3. _________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ____________________
Values 1. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 2. __________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ___________________ 3. _________________________________ _____________________________________________________ ____________________
How did you complete Exercise 3-1? Each person will have his or her own set of needs, wants, interests, and values. Here’s a sample response that might trigger your assertiveness thinking. Needs
Wants (Desires)
Food 2. Shelter 3. Healthcare/medication Approx. Income Needed: $35,000 1.
1.
A more spacious home in a better neighborhood
2.
World travel (starting with New Zealand) A graduate degree
3.
Approx. Income Needed:
$75,000
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Exercise 3-1 continued from previous page. Interests (Things you want to protect)
1. 2. 3.
Values
1. 2. 3. 3.
To be treated with respect To be treated fairly My reputation Honesty Trustworthiness Respect for others Personal responsibility
Your GoAls A a i methi that y cciy aim a im t achiee i the te—a ei maaemet piti, iacia iepeece, a pace i the ymphy cheta, etc. Pethe pe typicay eea a, me pea, me amiy-eate, aPepe w- hae caee-eate. A me a hae eate imptace tha the. Y hihet w a, exampe, may be t becme vice Peiet opeati, whie y ecay w a may be t becme a bette eeat. d y hae cci a at w a tie ti e w? Hae y cciy piitize them? oe e execie i t ietiy a wite w y a. di thi
wi bi tcte t y a a pie a iecti y ie’ jey. jey. Appach a-etti i whatee mae w bet y. Y miht, itace, baitm bait m a a y yew ew pa witht imiti cei cei them. set the pa aie a ay tw a baitm aai a ew heet pape pape.. The, eiew y it a te the imiaitie a iimiaitie. A a a eimiate the a the piit me y. Ai y a t cateie, ch a pea, caee, a iacia (ftai a Ath, 1990), a, i aiti, ietiy which a y wat wat t achiee withi a patica pa tica time ame. Y may a i it hep t piitize each a a w, meim, hih— which wi ie y whe a cict. f exampe, y may hae a tem caee a becmi the Chie fiacia oice a fte 500 cmpay a a itemeiate pea a attei each y y ahte’ chi ccet. Thee appea t be i cict becae the path t becmi a Cfo at a fte 500 cmpay ema a w cmmitmet that may imit the pea time y hae with y amiy. I a ieih, e thee a wi hae a hihe piity y tha the the. nti which y pee wi hep y ajt y a w me time i the te. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Hwee y et y a, whethe y baitm them t, the act witi them w tam y a it ccete taet twa which y’ aim te thht a acti. s, et’ bei. I the ext pat thi chapte, y jb i t ietiy y ht-tem, itemeiate, a tem a, a we a a i a catey that may be amiia t y— eacy a.
s-tm Ga sht-tem a ae the y wat t accmpih withi a yea—a ae pibe t accmpih. getti a meica eee, i y’ y’e e t aeay i meica ch, i t a iabe ht-tem a. I y aeay hae a meica eee, iihi y itehip i. Thi may eem bi, bt the pit i t ai “pie-i-the-y” a-etti. Bei eaitic i the it tep twa pci ea accmpihmet that bte e-eteem a aetiee. I aiti t bei eaitic, et a im ate meeti each ht-tem a. othewie, thee a may ip by a e e it the wi yea. yea. Inmia Ga I eea, thi immeiate a a thi y wat wat t hae t accmpih withi the ext i iee t te yea. fie te yea ca pa me qicy
tha y thi, ’t pt w thee a. Y Y ee t pa a bei wi twa them w.
lng-tm Ga l-tem a ietiy what y wat t hae accmpih withi the ext te t twety yea. Thi ca be a mt etie time i y ie, a time whe y expeiece, iiht, a taii ppe y t peate at pea ee pemace. f y -tem a, aim hih. lgacy Ga The mt pwe a catey ctai eacy a. Thee ae achieemet which y mt wih t be emembee. Thee ae the thi y w wat y y e e, c-we, c-we, a eihb t wite i y epitaph. Thi qeti may eem macabe, bt ai it i ey e. Ietiyi Ietiyi y eacy a wi hep y et piitie a ccetate what ty matte t y. With thi a eaie ici a i mi, cmpete Execie 3-2 pae 38.
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3 8
Exercise 3-2 Your Goals Worksheet
A s s E r T I n g
1. Fill in your short-term, intermediate, intermediate, long-term, and legacy goals for each category category.. Limit your list to three goals for for each category. category. 2. Prioritize Prioritize each goal— goal—high high (H), medium medium (M (M), ), o orr lo low w (L). (L).
Y o u r s E l f A T
3. Compare you yourr personal, c career areer,, and financial goals with the priorities you’ve assigned. Ideally, Ideally, your goals and priorities will be compatible. If they aren’t, adjust either the goal or the priority. Goal Type h A M t t A p : / C / w O w M w . S a m e l f a S s t e u l d f s y t P u d r y o . g o r r a g / m
Short-Term Goals (within 1 year)
Intermediate Goals (within 5 to 10 years)
Personal
Visit New York by 7/12
H
M
L
Career
X Get a pr promoti motioon by by end end of year year
H
M
L
Financial
X Rebalance my 401-K po portfoli folioo bbyy yea yearr en end
H
M
X
L
W o r k
Long-term Goals (within 10 to 20 years) Legacy Goals (things for which you hope to be remembered)
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Hw i y cmpete the a execie? Ae y a cmpatibe, i me ethii a ajtmet i e? nw tae a mite t cie y i, taet, a pea capabiitie. Ae thee iciet t et y whee y wat t be? The Thi Abt It actiity bew wi hep y awe that qeti.
Think About It . . . 1. What s skills kills and ttalent alents s must I d dev evelop elop mor more e fully in o order rder to rreach each m my y goals goals? ?
2. What ed educati ucation, on, tr training aining,, and exp experienc erience e must I acq acquire uire or enh enhance ance in ord order er to reac reach h my goals?
3. What c career areer p path ath am I c curre urrently ntly on? What c career areer p path ath cha change, nge, if any any,, must I mak make e in order to achieve my work-life goals?
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AssErTIng Yours oursElf Elf AT Work
Think About It continued from previous page.
4. Is my c current urrent g geograp eographical hical locati location on compat compatible ible with my goals goals? ? If not, where do I need to liv live? e?
speAkING up for WhA hAt t MAtter tters s to You At Work nw that y’e ietiie y ee, wat, iteet, ae, a a, pep epae ye t “pea p” thei beha—that i, t cmmicate what matte t y. speai p i a imptat tep twa becmi me aetie.
engag in a piiv Inna diag Bee y pea p t the, y y mt ea t pea p t ye. ye . Intrapersonal cmmicati the cmmicati y hae with ye, ecibe the i iae i y hea m the time y wae p i the mi ti y t be. Thi itea iae may be baey peceptibe t y, a it may be eatie: “Thee y aai, ptti y t i y mth. What’ the matte with y?” It may be pitie: “That wa a aweme iea y came p. g y!” It may be mixe: “I ei eiee ee a i peetati. The aiece wa wa with me a a the way . . . I thi.” Pimaiy, aetie pepe ee twa eatie itea iae whie aetie pepe h het a pitie pitie ceati with themee, i what hma behaiit d. dei Waitey ca “wie’ e-ta” (Waitey, 1995). Thee The e ic ice: e:
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“Pitie e e-eteem” e-eteem” ta, ch a “I ie mye mye ” e “I’ “I’ athe be • “Piti
mee ee.” “Piti itiee e-ct” ta, ch a “I mae it happe me” e “It a• “P way wa y happe t me.” “Pitie e e-expectacy” ta, ch a “g tay tay,, bette tmw tmw.. next • “Piti time I’ et it iht” e “With my c, I ew it w ai.”
Whe y ea thee tatemet, y ca ee the pwe thei iece a eta why y h eae i pitie itea iae a ai the eatie. Imaie i “The litte Tai That C” i the am chie’ ty the ame ame ai, “I thi I ca’t, I thi I ca’t, I thi I ca’t.” The tai w emai ee tc at the bttm the hi. I y eae eae i a eati eatie e itea iae, y extei behai wi pbaby eect it. Y’ behae ie y thi. T becme me aetie i
y thii a, beqety beqety,, i y behai behai,, Abeti a Emm ecmme the techiqe ti eatie tatemet it thei pitie m. f exampe, exampe, itea ayi “‘I’m t imptat” a “My pii p ii ’t ct,” te ye, “I am imptat a “My pii ct” (Abeti a Em, 1995). ftheme, Abeti a Emm ecmme that y ceate, memize, a pt i a iewabe pace a it pitie pitie tatemet cmpimet a,ay” “I hae “I’m at what I ,” “I’m becmiabt meye, aetiech eey eey ( Ibid a.). .).jb,” I y i ye thii pemiaty eatie eatie thht, ceate a pt thi type it. leai t eae i piti p itiee athe tha eatie eatie itea iae ia e (Execie 3-3) tae time, patiece, a cmmitmet. Y mt want t tam y itapea cmmicati patte. di thi may eem atiicia a taie at it, i t, a i y’ y’e e bati t ye ye.. W We, e, ahea a bat, epeciay i y’e ha a habit beati ye p m mi t iht. Y hae that iht.
Exercise 3-3 Scripting a Positive Internal Dialogue
1. Selec Selectt one workd workday ay in the up upcomin coming g week to tr track ack y your our inte internal rnal dialog dialogue ue from th the e time yo you u arrive at work until you arrive home at the end of the day. 2. Rec Record ord y your our iinte nternal rnal di dialo alogue gue in a sm small all no noteb tebook ook.. 3. On the following day day,, read your conver conversations sations and answer the ffollowing ollowing questions: What internal conversations did I have as I arrived at work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
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AssErTIng Yours oursElf Elf AT Work
Exercise 3-3 continued from previous page.
What internal conversations did I have during my day at work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
What internal conversations did I have on the way home from work? Write a “P” by the positive comments and “N” by the negative ones. Were my conversations mostly positive or negative? Explain.
Now,, write down your insights about your internal dialogue: Now
I y Execie 3-3 e, ctie taci taci y itea iae a te y impemet. I y catch ye cayi a eati eatie e itea iae, tp a ewite ewite y y iae it a piti pitiee e. di thi eay with ceate a habit pitie itea iae, a that habit wi eeate y aetiee at w.
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Vbay Cmmnica in Aiv Way speai p e’ ee, wat, iteet, ae, a a mty ii e e eba cmmicati—eiee cmmicati—eiee ace-t-ace, e e the teeph teephe, e, i me m ta-p peetati. The teth y eba cmmicati epe y w a eiey. Bth ae imptat emtati aetiee. W chice ame y meai whie the way y eie y meae—y te ice, acia expei, y by aae— te mae a eate impact y eceie tha what y hae t ay. We’ ccetate the apect eba cmmicati i the ext chapte. f w, we’ c the w, a hw y ca tate y thht i me eectie a aetie way. Be Direct
Eectie a aetie eba meae ae eiee eiee thh bie, bi e, ec ecaatie aatie etece that ae peciic, ccete, a t the pit. Pepe wh e iect cmmicati ’t watz a thei mai pit, pi t, ambe, heitate, hee thei tatemet, exce themee, themee, aythi ee that eay, p, ce thei meae. Cie each the wi exampe aetie peech a thei aeti ae tiee eqiaet. Unasser tive Language
Asser tive Language
Perhaps, if you don’t mind—and I realize the subject may seem a bit arcane—but if you’re open to it, we might look at a another approach to financing this phase of our expansion.
There’s another approach to financing this phase of our expansion. I recommend that we do a saleleaseback. Here’s how it works . . .
Oh, excuse me, Doug, I’m sorry to bother you when you’re so busy, but, ah, I was wondering, and maybe this isn’t the time, but I was wondering if I could talk with you sometime about my vacation schedule. Is that possible?
Doug, I’d like to talk with you about my vacation schedule. Can we meet next week?
ntice hw the aetie cmmicat “beat a the bh” a qaiie what he he hpe t ay (“i y’e pe t it”), a eem t be apizi (“Exce me,” “I’m y”). I ctat, the aetie cmmicat e impe ecaatie etece (“Thee’ athe appach”) a i cmmai i ate (“I ecmme that . . .”). Ty wi thi aetie exampe a ea bai. A y cat ht, cea, ccete etece that
peciey cey cey y meai, y’ hea a ee ee ye becmi me aetie.. The tip that w aetie w wi hep y e eep ep thi i.
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Understand Your Listeners
The me y y w abt y itee, itee , the bette pepae y’ be t cat a eie a meae that appea peciicay t thei iteet, cce, ee, a eie th.Y ca eta itee byhep ccti aiece aayi—a qeti whe awe wi y ietiy the maep y aiece. T aayze y y itee aiece, awe awe the wi qeti: ite e/aiece? iece? (ee, ae, ethicity ethicity,, atiaity atiai ty,, a/p• Wh i my itee/a
iti, ecatia ee, icme ee, aea expetie, taii, cia ca, eii, etc.) my y aiece w ee t w w abt the bject my • What e m meae? • Hw e my aiece ee abt the bject my meae? Hw e m my y aiece peceie peceie ee abt me? (weeabe, cei• be, eiabe, ttwthy, ai, peitet, eiabe, cattee, iexibe, etc.) we wi my meae appea t my my aiece’ cce, iteet, iteet, a • Hw we ee? Put Your Main Point Up Front
oe the ey t iect cmmicati i ptti the mai pit y meae p t (Baiey, (Baiey, 2007), whethe the meae i eiee ia a peetati, a ace-t-ace ac e-t-ace ecte, ecte, a e-mai, a ept, a ette ette,, a teephe tee phe ca. Cie thi exampe a ae maae mai a acemet t a athei he ae epeetatie: I’m peae t te y that dai obe, mey Hae Eqipmet, e ey cmpetit, wi be jii i the sthwet ae ei. Thi ae maae w the t ecibe obe’ bac a what he w bi t the ae et. e t. He mai ppe, hwee hwee,, wa
t ace obe hii, which he i taihtaway taihtaway,, bee etti it ay the etai. Thi i the taa bie cmmicati. up t mea ce t the tp the meae, athh it’ t eceaiy the it w pepe wi hea ea. speeche a peetati, exampe, ca a bie atteti-ette; the cmmicati chae ca a ht exchae peaatie. Y Y mai pit, aiece “tae-aw “tae-away ay,” ,” h cme ate. The The et y cmmicati cmmicati meey expai the etai that mai pit pie a ica amet i it a a.. The excepti t thi tip ie eiei ba ew. Whe y hae ba ew t cmmicate, chi it by it eiei a bie bac the itati ea a eqet ecii. Ai pi thee cmmet, thh, becae y eceie, eceie, eae the itati, w wi i be itchi t w y bttm ie. f exampe, i y ee t mi a ay w becae y mthe i hai cataact ey, y miht ay t y AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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b, “rbi, my mthe i chee cataact ey fiay, I wat t tae that ay .” By tati y ea it, y pepae rbi t be me pe t y eqet. Hee’ athe exampe: let’ ay y maae a epatmet i a cmpay which ha t eee. The The hiay ae appachi, appach i, a y ee t bea the ew that the cmpay i cai cai bac it yea-e ceebati a that be wi be hapy ece. Y Y miht ace it thi way: A y w, w, we’e ha a eee hta i each the pat tw qate. Cmpay-wie we’e w abt $3 mii m thi time at yea. s, thi hiay ea we’ hae a mety catee ettethe itea the a hiay bah. That way eeye ca eceiee a ma hiay b. ecei I thi cae, y pie a ea (the cmpay’ cet iacia itati) bee eiei the eatie mai pit. ntice t hw thi pt a ptetia eatie—the te b—it a pitie iht witht bei ihet maipatie. maipatie. I y i ye etti caht p i ambi ice mai meae, pi the chit-chat i teephe ceati bee y et t the heat y meae, empyi hee w t cte y meai, hiti at what y eay wat i ace-t-ace ecte, i the m aetie cmmicati, y’e y’e t bei aetie. Bt y ca
chae. ti: ra I y ha haee a imptat meae t et ac, wite it t ahea time. The, pactice it t i y mi a eie eie it a y pactice. I time, what y y pactice wi becme a habit that peet y a a me ce a pwe pe. Use Positive Language
I eea, it’ me eectie t tate what y wat athe tha what y ’t wat. neatie neatie w ch a “’t,” “w’t,” “ca’t,” “ca ’t,” “t,” a “ “ee” ee” ae iict the mi t pce. A, pepe ae me iey t ep we t a pitie tatemet tha t a eatie e. They ’t ie bei t t “d’t t thi, ’t that.” Itea ayi “d’t eae a cttee e whe y hme m w,” ie a me aetie tatemet, “Cea p y e bee y eae.” sme exampe w.
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Nega gattiv ive e-Un Una asse sert rtiive St Sta atement nts s
Posit itiive-As Ass sert rtiive St Sta atem emen entts
Don’t wait until the end of the month to turn in your expense report.
Always submit your expense report before the end of the month.
Don’t keep taking long lunches and coming back late to work.
Take as much time for lunch as you like, as long as you can be back to work on time.
Don’t forget to give me your report
Give me your report before you leave
before you leave for Baltimore tomorrow.
for Baltimore.
We can’t send a technican until
We can send a technician tomorrow.
tomorrow. We won’t be launching the new ad campaign until next month.
We’ll launch the new ad campaign next month.
Thee ae bte ieece i thee exampe, bt the tatemet i the iht-ha cm ae me cmmai a ambi ambi i thei meai. They cmmicate bth the meae and the aetiee the peae. Avoid Wor Words ds T That hat Limit Y Your our Credibility Credibility
Whe y e imiti aeb ch a “jt” a “y” t ecibe ye a accmpihmet, y cey a w ee e eteem t itee. f exampe, “I’m jt the eceptiit,” “It’ jt my pii,” “I’m jt hpi I’ et the pptity t w hee” (Wathe, 1991). Y may thi that thee w mae y appea t be me hmbe. Itea, they mae y appea t be iece, a thh y’e eai ye. deete them a e me e-ciet aae, ee whe y ’t ee ciet. l at the ieece that ppi a w a i be aae chice ca mae: Unasser tive Statements
Asser tive Statements
“I’m just the receptionist.”
“I’m the receptionist.”
“It’s only my opinion, but . . . .”
“I firmly believe that . . . .”
“I’m just hoping I’ll get the opportunity oppor tunity to work here.”
“This is where I want to be.”
By the ame te, phae ch a “T te y the tth,” “T be peecty het,” a “f “fay ay peai” aie qeti i y ecei eceie’ e’ mi abt y hety (Wathe, 1991) a, theee, ceibiity. A gee AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Wathe wite i hi b Power Talking: 50 Ways to Say What You Mean and Get What Y You ou Want , “I a pe pe i habitay het, i hi iteity i 100 pecet, why w he ee t mae a pit expaii that he’ abt t te
the tth? (Wathe (Wathe,, 1991). Y may be i thee phae a ie t mae etece me ceatia ceatia a i witht itei ay pecia meai. sti, a Wathe ecmme, it’ bette t eimiate the e e iteityqetii phae. ti: Avi “I tin” n a, a ce aie t Peiet gee W. Bh wa bei iteiewe by a ew epte. The bject wa the Peiet’ state the ui Ae, which he ha eiee the iht bee. It wa cea m the iitia pat the iteiew that thi aie ha a ha i ati the ae. The epte ae the aie what the Peiet ha meat by impi ecity citi i Iaq. di that mea that the tp w be cmi hme? lie may, may, thi aie bea a w w [my itaic emphai]: I think that what the m “t Peiet meat wawe . . .expect .” oe t epeatey epeatey hea thi eqicati pepe whm mae eqica tatemet. sayi “I thi that . . .” i ie ayi, “I’m t e, bt . . .” “I eay ’t w.” o we, “I thi that what I meat wa . . . .” Away emembe, pepe ae e iteete i what y think tha i what y know . A aetie, aetie, ceibe pe pe e not hae t e at what he he mea. It’ mch me eectie t mae tatemet ie thi: “The Peiet’ tatemet cmmicate the emtabe act that iece i Iaq ha bie ice thi time at yea yea.” .” Avoid Absolutes Absolutes
W ie “away” a “ee” ae abte w that amae ceibiity whe e t ecibe ee mee ee. Hee ae me exampe: I’e ee bee at math. I ee peia. smethi’ away away t pace. I away pt my t i my mth. Y’e ee ha t pepe i. Y ee pea p i meeti. vey ew thi ii ie ae abte. ui abte w eqie a extaiay amt eiece t btatiate y pit, ee the it’ it’ iey y ca pe it abtey. s, it’ bet t tie them m y thht a cmmicati. © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Avoid the “Sorries” “Sorries”
Picte thi cee: A membe y ae team te y that he ha bee cti a paticay iict ciet ix mth, a that the ciet ha jt cae t ay that he wet with a cmpetit. Y ep with “I’m y.” Y teammate pzze a ecae, “It’ t becae y.” you’re pzze. nw,liit What’ i ? that the w “y” ha tw meadebah Tae expai i. oe i a itea apy; the ec i a expei ympathy a cce thh which the peae i t apizi accepti bame. Acci t Tae, wme ae me iey tha me t e the ec meai whie me ae me iey tha wme t iew thi a a apy (T (Tae, ae, 1994). Y ca ee the pibiity bei miet by bei me peciic: “I’m y that happee,” “I’m y t hea that y ciet wet with athe cmpay.” depei the eceie, hwee, that may ti apetic. A a ateatie, ee bac the emti the the pe i expei: “That’ iappiti,” we by a me eta, pitie
tatemet ch a “Bt I’m e that y ae i wi eetay bi y y a ee bie a bette acct.” Acci t Tae, a itea apy pt y “e-w” i a eatihip. Y’e accepti bame a ptti the the pe i a piti t abe y it (Tae, 1994). Theee, pay atteti t hw y e the w “I’m y.” Use “I” Statements to Expr Express ess Ideas and Give F Feedback eedback
statemet that bei with the w “I” te y eceie that y w a tae epibiity the meae that’ abt t w. Cie thee exampe: I ecmme that we pe a ew, tate--the-at waehe i Weteie. Hee’ why . . . I beiee we’ we’ be me eiciet e iciet with time a pbem-i i we hae hae ewe membe the team—ee at the mt. Amiah, I wat y t aciitate the ext meeti becae y’ y’e e a exceet itee a y wecme ppi pit iew. That hw me y’e y’e eay a eae eaehip hip e. Thee “I” tatemet exe ciece a caity caity.. Ca y ee why? “I” tatemet a hep peet eebac m cmi ac a jmeta accaty. Tae a at thee exampe:
I ie the ayt the bche. It’ eye-catchi. I tem c, thh, I’ ie t ee me ctat betwee the bac a a text. Phi, I’m iappite that y mie meeti. Y ipt i aabe t a we cte y.
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Macia, I’m tate whe y itept me. di ipt i pt my thht. ntice hw thee tatemet cmbie “I” with bjectie a ccete w. T T ay, ay, “Macia, I ee tate tate whe y itept ite pt me, beca becae e that’ e” wi wi pbaby p p e e a eeie epe. Avoid “You” “You” Statements
I ctat t “I” tatemet, the that bei with “y” may pt y eceie the eeie, epeciay whe they cey citicim. stati a etece with “y” i ie piti the ie ie at athe pe. I the wi exampe, y’ y’ ee the jmeta ei the tatemet y jt ea i the pei ecti: Y i a p jb the bche, fa. f e thi, y ’t hae eh ctat betwee the bac a text. Phi, y mie the meeti a et eeyby w. Y eay iappite . Macia, y mae me ay whe y eep itepti. ite pti. Jt eai thee w ca ma maee y y ee ee be beate ate w, im imaie aie what they t the eceie eceie.. I y a i t iece a chae behai behai,, pce a bette pct, ecae me paticipati, eep eep a empy empyee’ ee’ eaehip i, me the pitie tcme, the ai the eitace a eetmet that “y” tatemet te pe. pe. I the ame ei, cmpimet that bei with “y” may a be a pbem. Y Y eceie may ee cmtabe cmta be becae the cmpimet c mpimet appea t be ey ey amiia a may ctitte a beach peia baie— b aie— epeciay whe y’e y’e cmmicati with mee mee m the ppite ex. rathe tha ayi “Y “Y eat i that it,” which i a ae a im-
pecie, y miht ay “I ie the ei a c y it. It ey peia.” Itea ayi “Y “Y hae a ice mie,” y ca ay “I app appeeciate y chee attite. It bt the mae epatmet.” Thee “I” tatemet ae me peciic etamiht eta, , a they eect ay mietai a cmpimetay c mpimetay “y”a tatemet eeate. Consider the Multi-P Multi-Part art “I” Statement
Mti-pat “I” tatemet ca be epeciay e i emtiay-chae itati whee eei pet y eqiibim a y i ye at a methi methi t ay ay.. Athh tthe he m maa thee ta tatemet temet may ay ay,, e the mt cmmy e ei icpate icp ate the thee pat e t cmmicate e’ eei: I ee ________________ whe y _________________ becae ______________.
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The ma aw y t ecibe y emti, the behai the the pe, a it ceqece y ( y team, cmpay, epatmet, amiy, amiy, etc.). Hee i the peciic ayt: I feel
a description of your emotions
when you
an objective description of the other person’s behavior
because
a description of the effect effects s on or consequences for you
let’ ay that witht y maae y t y team’ eaibiity ept ept eea wee iiha yhe eebac. Ay team’ meeay wi emie y chee. che e. Eeye wi hae t w iht a weee t mae p the t time. Thi i t the it time ti me thi ha happee. I act, act, y maae mae a habit thi withi. Y Y a y team pect pect that he ie t ceate a cii, ii hime the peee peae watchi y team pem e pee. By w y’e a ha eh the ate iht, ee-ay wee, a mie actiitie with y amiie. Y’e tempte t et e. I y’e the paie ie the aetiee cae, y’ iey eit the temptati a impy bi iie. I y’e the aeie ie, y miht expe:
“Thee y aai, Tm. Y ee ie eebac ept ti the at mite, which pt it a time bi. We’e ic a tie thi iy ame.” ubei ye i thi aei aeie e way way may mae y ee bette, bt that appach i te ieectie a iy. Y pt the the pe i y iht, e e abte (“ee”), (“ ee”), a ame y ew hi mtie ti e (“ame”), whe i eaity, eaity, pepe ca’t c a’t w cetai ce tai the thht mtie the e he he hae them with . The beaty the mti-pat “I” tatemet i that it aw pepe at ay ee aeti ae tiee ee t e a eecti e ectiee a -jmeta meae: Tm, I becme tate whe y eay ii eebac ept becae it pt i a time cch a tae away m amiie. ntice that the “I” tatemet impie a eie a chae i behai i the the pe. pe . Y Y may i it e t iecty i ecty tate the chae y wat by ai a th pat pa t t y meae: “s wi y _________________?” f exampe: Tm, I becme tate whe y eay ii eebac ept becae it pt i a time cch a tae away m amiie. So will you aee t t a ept ate?” Hee’ a “ wi y” extei m a eaie exampe: Macia, I ee tate whe y itept me. It ipt my AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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thht. So will you et me iih? The, I’ be happy t hea what y hae t ay. The tatemet ae aetie witht bei iepect. Macia wi pbaby aee t thi eaabe eqet. Bt what i he ep, “n, I w’t pmie that.”? Y miht a he t expai he bjecti. she miht te y that he itept becae y tae a time t mae y pit a that he’ ccee abt i her tai thht. I epe, y c e t e me iect cmmicati a ay, ay, “I that cae, wi y aee t tp tp itepti me?” By i a w “I” tatemet ee bac ya wi-wi eei t Macia, y eae me abt y behait a etiate tcme.
u M eciv Cmmnicain Cann A cmmicati chae i a meim thh which pepe eie a meae—a teephe ca, ette, emai, ice mai, ept, ace-t-ace ecte, etc. The ate y meae, the cte y aizati, a y eatihip with the eceie wi hep y etemie the mt apppiate chae. f exampe, i y ee t eie eatie eebac t a empyee, y’ wat t ace-t-ace a i piate. I y wat t et p a time with y maae t ic a aie pmti, y miht a wat a ace-t-ace, piate eba ecte. Yet, y maae miht bette appeciate a emai, becae he he ca acce it at hi he ceiece. Y ca wite: “He, [the ame y maae]. nw that I’e ccey iihe the Ma Etepie pject, I’ ie t ta with y abt my ext tep with the cmpay. I thee a ceiet time t meet?” ntice that y’e y’e ai a meeti, t the aie pmti. It’ bette t eae eae thee peciic the ace-t-ace ecte. pacic G timing I aiti t chi the mt eecti e ectiee cmmicati chae, timi i imptat. Thi ie timi i ea t y eceie a a timey epe i tem eebac. Timing and Your Receiver
Whe y y pactice we-time cmmicati, the eceie i eay t hea h ea a ep t y meae, ee itacti. T accmpih thi, y ee t be awae what’ i with a a y eceie eceie.. What by aae e he he cey? I he he ae, eae i ceati with mee ee, e by pepe? de y eceie eem he at eae? I the m peace chatic? What time ay i it—mi-mi, iht bee ch, ci time? deiei dei ei a meae at the iht time ca hep ee y cce; eiei it at the w time ca ea t a wate et. f exampe, i y wa it y eceie’ ice t i that he he e-ace a i e by haie-i ta a he he ht e the teephe, thee may be ce t cme bac at athe time. I y eceie i ae, wi qiety at the cmpte, y miht pitey itept a a © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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i it’ a time t ta. I he he ay “ye” a mti y t it w, y h pcee. I y eceie ay “ye,” bt hi he by a-
ae ay , y may wat wat t a i athe time w be me ce iet. scce timi i a matte ee, bei atte t the the pe, a t the imptace a ate y meae. Timing and Feedback
Pmpt epi t athe atheapect pe’ behai, w, iea, eebac—that pemace i i, a timey way—i way—i timi. deayi eebac imit the impact y meae a may iicate heitati a ac ciece a aetiee. aetiee. I act, Abeti Abe ti a Emm et i thei b, Your Perfect Right that a “ptaeity expei” i a a aetiee aetie e (Abeti a Emm, 1995). o ce, me itati ca a eaye epe. Cti mee i t the, exampe, i t a iea. I eea, hwee, it’ bette t be pmpt whe y wat t cmpimet ctctiey citicize mee, eie eie a pp ppi i iea, a a chae i behai, ecae pitie behai. Timey eebac i a eemet pe a aetie cmmicati.
Think About It . . . 1. Think abo about ut a commun communicati ication on encoun encounter ter that mis missed sed its mark with yo your ur recei receiver ver.. De Describe scribe the encounter below.
2. Identify tthe he reason or reasons for the miscom miscommunication. munication. For example, did you misjudge or misunderstand your receiver? receiver? Did you hedge, ramble, or waltz around the topic? Did you delay your main point? Did you use negative language? Did you use words that lowered your credibility? Did you use “you” statements or other judgmental language? Did you choose an ineffective ineffectiv e communication channel? Did you use poor timing, etc.?
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Think About It continued from previous page.
3. Now Now,, describ describe e the wa way y you wou would ld engage y your our rec receive eiverr or recei receiver vers s if you had th the e opportunity of a second take.
AssertIVe WrItteN CoMMuNICAtIoN up t thi pit i thi chapte, we hae cee y pe cmmicati. Hwee, a iiicat pecetae wpace cmmicati i witte: emai, iteice mem: ette t bae, ctme, ppie, a the taehe; ept. uie pe cmmicati, witte meae ca’t be amete by the may -eba ace we te e t cey thht a eei: acia expei, ice te, pte, a th. o w mt ta by themee. ftatey, ftatey, may the eate eate aetie eba cmmicati that y’e aeay eae appy eqay t witte m—ch a bei iect a etti t y pit qicy. qicy. Bt thee ae a ew the, which we’ c ce e hee.
hav a Ca p The tati pit aetie witi i a cea ppe. p pe. The wite’ wite’ ppe miht be t: meet eet ate thi wee t pa the pi • reqet acti: “Bi, we ee t m ae ceece. Hw abt fiay mi, at 10 AM?”
rep p t a meae: “I eceie eceie y meae a wi ep by • re
tmw.” ima ti: “T “Thi hi ept ctai the maet eeach team’ i• deie imati: i ctme ema i the Twi Citie aea.” “vea, ea, I hpe that y wi aee with me that thi i • Iece the eae: “v the iht time t impemet a ew hma ece tatey. I ity, whee whe e ha the bet hma capita w the te.” © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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The ppe i each thee exampe i cea, tei the eae that the wite w what he he i abt. Thee i “beati a the bh,” apizi, mici w. That’ aetie witi. s, bee y it w t wite y ext meae, awe thi qeti: “What’ my ppe?” Pcee m the awe awe..
Ma Y Mag Ca an Ci I mt cae, y’ wat t cie y cmmicati t a ie tpic. limiti ye ye ece the chace ci the ecipiet eai the it e a ippi the et. Thi i paticay te emai. I y hae tw epaate ie t ce, mae each the tpic a epaate emai. fci a ie meae wi a ie y a pptity t be cea a cip. f ppe “cip” mea : w a pibe. E Eey ey me witi • getti the iea ac i a ew w
expet e ecmy w. ueceay w a wey phae by y meae a it impact, a etact m the aetie imae y y hpe t pject. l,, cmpex etece ce a w w • ui ht, impe etece. l w eae, a a a et, ece the impact y meae. I y ca’t eit w y meae, bea them it hte, me ietibe piece. Cie the wi piece witi a hw it c be mae me cea a cip by impemeti the tw eti: I am witi t each y tay t peay et y w that I hae eceie eceie y eti eci cmpay’ ctme eice epe time. My tha t each y ei the ai eti. eti. Be ae that I appeciate y bmii the eti, a that I wi eea t ep t them. I’m
cety t e whe I wi hae my epe, bt I ca ae y that it w’t be t . Qite a mth, iht? Hee’ e exampe hw t et the meae ac i a me aeti ae tiee way: way: Tha bmitti y eti eci ctme epe time. A ae appeciate. I’ be bac t y with my epe. The tatemet wa wa ece m m 78 t 23 w. Which ei i ceae a me aetie a which wi hae a eate impact the eae?
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Exercise 3-4 A Clear and Crisp Message
55
Read the following message and then rewrite it with the objective of getting the same idea across in fewer words: I’ve been thinking about when we should start planning the annual July 4th company picnic. Sometime Sometime in May? June? I’m not sure. I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on when we should begin planning. Please let me know.
Then, read the following message and rewrite it with the objective of using short, shor t, simple sentences. I am writing to inform you that last month the market research team (currently composed, as you know, of myself, myself, T Tom om Anderson Anderson,, Brenda Gooda Goodall, ll, and Silvia Sil via Gonzal Gonzales) es) convened in the R&D Center conference room roo m to consider each of these two issues: issues : lead user customer attitudes toward our existing list of products, and how we might go about measur-
ing the responses of these lead user customer attitudes to prototypes developed developed by the new product development team.
u M eciv an Aia M May me cmmicati ae aaiabe t y. depei the cicmtace, y may be abe t eie a eba, ace-t-ace meae. We We ice thi matte eaie ea ie i thi chapte. chapte. face-t-ace face-t-ace eba cmmicati i at a aw y t ehace y meae with mie, imace, ie piti, ce am, ice te, a the eba ce. A y wi ea ate i thi ce, c e, eba cmmicati eeay mae mae a eate impei itee tha the w we e. veba cmmicati, eithe ace-t-ace ia teephe, a ha the aatae bei yamic; the the paty ca ep with qeti cmmet, the tw patie ca bette ce i the tpic , ceey ceey,, tae it ici i me it ew a pae iecti. I ctat, witte cmmicati i me ie a e-way teet. o the the ha, witte cmmicati ha me itict a aatae. atae.
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• The wite ha time t thi, pa, a ewite the meae. A tte ceae ca be ae t ea the meae ette a et ateati a impemet. impemet. imati mati ca be c cey eye e (ch a by by ept), with • lae ch i aphic a tabe e t hihiht eabate ey aea.
Y h a cie hw the chice cmmicati m wi aect pepe’ pecepti y aetiee. f itace, i eai with pbem biate, tei them ia emai t “hape p” wi ie the impei that y’e aai t citicize thei w pemace behai i pe. Y’ be peceie peceie a a paie, cict aie. It’ It’ bet t pea i-
ecty t the pe abt the pbem, then w p with a witte mem i which y etate the pbem a a y ee it, mmaize what wa ai i y meeti, a te whatee chae() the pe aee t. By wi p i witi, y pce a ec that ca be pt i the pee ie the pbem biate. I the cae te icipiay acti imia, that ec wi ppt y acti. Witte cmmicati i a aea i which y ca emtate aetiee. eti ee. Ay time y wite i i a ccea ea,, ccie, c ciet, iet, a cmpei way, y emtate that y’e i ct ye a the imati. Thi type witi ma y a a aetie pe.
re
p
I bii y ee aetiee, y mt w what matte t y. “What matte” i thi cae ae y ee, wat, iteet, ae, a a. Thee ae the thi y mt ta p i the wpace a i the aea y ie.
nee thi y ea a eetia y baic phyica aae meta ia. W Wee eee ee e t Maw’ Maw’ hieachy ee, beii with the mt baic ee ( a wate) a mi p t hihe ee ee (e-eteem a e-actaizati). Wat ae ie ee, bt ae ptia. Y may need taptati i e t h a payi jb, bt y may want a BMW becae y ie qaity a ie eieei. Y iteet ae the thi t which y caim me iht, tite, ea hae. f itace, i y ae a maae, y hae a iht t chee the w y biate. Aye wh tie t chee thei w w be iii p y iht a a maae. A aetie aetie pe w tavp ae thatthe iht. ae abtact iea t which we ahee a h t, a which we wih t be w. Typica ae ice iteity, ttwthie, aie, a yaty. A ecibe i the chapte, a a i methi we cciy aim t achiee i the te. It’ e t thi a a ht-tem, itemeiate, ite meiate,
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-tem, a eacy eacy. A it’ a iea t wite w a piitize a. Pea a, ie the act cee i the chapte, ae methi that
the aetie pe mt ta p whe they ae chaee iepecte. speai p what matte t y ie bth eba a witte m cmmicati. Aetie Aetie eba cmmicat ae iect; the they y e bie, ecaati ec aatiee etece that ae peciic, ccete, a t the pit. They ’t hem a haw, ambe, ace a thei mai pit. Thee cmmicat ae eectie becae they mae a pit etai thei itee: wh they ae, what they aeay w abt the bject, what they ee t w. They a pt thei ey pit p t, i the et thei time t pie etai. Whie mt wpace cmmicati i i e ebay ebay,, a pe pe ca a be aetie i the way he he appache witte cmmicati. May the ame picipe aetie cmmicati appy eqay t emai, mem, ette, a ept. They They h be cea a cip, a i mt cae, pt the mai pit p t.
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Review Questions
limiti a aeb eb a “jt” a “y” t ecibe ye (“I’m : jt 1. a aitat”) ach accmpihmet, ce cey y the wi t itee: itee (a) a w w ee ee e e eteem. eteem. (b) a exact exact exp expei ei.. (c) aetie aetie cie ciece. ce. () y y jb ietity ietity.. 2. Which the wi bet epeet mee’ ee? (a) A ae he, he, a aibat, a pi piate ate i ieity eity ecati (b) feem eem m wy (c) Eqait Eqaity y ppt pptity ity () shete shete, , a wate wate 3. The tati pit aetie aetie witi i: (a (a)) a t tie ie.. (b) a cea cea pp ppe. e. (c) a phiticate phiticate cabay cabay.. () a pwe pwe e ei. i. 4. Y wat a jb tite that eect y expae tie. _______________ i the mt eecti e ectiee cmmicati chae t y b achiei thi a.
1. (a)
2. ()
3. (b)
4. ()
(a (a)) A Aice emai emaimai (b) ice mea meaee (c) A teep teeph hee ca ca () A ace-t-ac ace-t-acee m meeti eeti 5. Which the wi emtate the mt eectie “I” tatemet? 5. (b) (a) “I ee pet whe whe y’ y’e e icieate twa twa pepe the team.” (b) “I ee pet whe y y i iee me a aimet the iht bee it’ e, e, becae I wat t eie my bet w. s, ext time wi y ie me aace tice?” (c) “I thi y’e y’e e ee e i t imp impe, e, be becae cae y eithe ’t ty y ’t cae.” () “Y “Y et the Cby acct t the iacia tatemet. Hw c y be caee?”
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4 asst Nn Cnctn Learning Objectives Objectives By the end this chapte, y shd be abe t:
• State the imptance nnveba aspects •
cmmnicatin. Dieentiate Dieentia te between passive, aessive, aessive, and assetive nnveba ces.
key dimensins assetive nnvekey nnve• Identiy ba cmmnicatin (ANC). • Expain hw dimensins ANC can be
•
cmbined t stenthen nnveba cmmnicatin. Keep a nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin jna.
•
Descibe stateies t ain y veba and nnveba nnve ba cmmnicatin.
The ast chapte eqip eqipped ped y with pactica techniqes maki makin n y v veeba cmmnicatin me assetive. assetive . In this chapte chapte, , y’ ean abt anthe m cmmnicatin—nnveba—and cmmnicatin—nnv eba—and its impact n the wa way y pepe peceive y and the wds y speak.
The Powe wer r of NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN Accdin t stdies cndcted by psychist D. Abet Mehabian, a messae deiveed deiveed ace-t-ace beaks dwn int thee eements:
• •
Veba: What y say Vca: Hw y say it Visa: What the eceiv eceive e sees that is y bdy anae, dess, etc. © American Management Management Association. Association. All All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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Which these d y sppse has the eatest pwe? Accdin t Mehabian, the vca cmpnent—tne vice and vme, exampe— cnts 38 pecent a messae peceived peceived by the adience. The veba— the acta wds—cnt ny 7 pecent, whie the visa ptin—pste, p tin—pste, acia expessin, and dess, exampe—cnts 55 pecent (Aednd, 1991). Spisin, isn’t it? othe eseach eveas dieent pecentaes dependin n the settin the cmmnicatin. Nevetheess, thse indins ndesce the imptance nnveba cmmnicatin t the eect a messae. Accdin t Mehabian, i y nnv nnveba eba and veba cmmnicatin cntadict cnt adict each th the e,, pepe wi be me i ikey key t beieve the nnveba ces. In the wds, the nnveba messae tmps pepe’s wds. Pepe may let’ assbe cn sed cnsed y veba nnveba cntadictins. let’s sest thatby a iend at wkand asks i y wd wd mind stayin ate t hep pt tethe aphs a ept. Y say, “N, I dn’t mind at a,” bt y ap n the tabe (knck n wd) and e a tiht-ipped smie. Y wds say that y dn’t mind, bt y nnveba nnveba ces send sen d the messae that y d mind. An assetive pesn wd nt send these mixed messaes; his he nnveba cmmnicatin wd sppt his he wds. The veba and nn-veba cmmnicatin wd be ained: “I can’t hep y tniht with these aphs becase anthe cmmitment, bt I can pitch in eay tmw tm w mnin. Hw des that snd t y?” A the whie, the assetive asse tive
speake is sin acia and bdy anae t indicate his he inteest and sppt what the the pesn is tyin t accmpish: a smie, eect pste, eye eye cntact, and a cmmandin tne vice. The ast chapte ave y y many exampes wds and phases y can se t expess eeins and state what y want in a diect and cncise way. The knwede hw t ame y messae shd ive y me cnidence in what y’e abt t say—a cnidence that y vice and bdy anae shd eect. Ideay, as y w me assetive, each aspect cmmnicatin—veba, vca, and visa—wi pessivey becme bette ained (Exhibit 4-1).
xhibit 4-1 Alignment Between Communication Elements Verbal What You You Say
Vocal How You Say It
Alignment
Visual Body Language
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61 In this chapte chapte,, we’ assme that y’ y’e e aeady ettin bette at amin the veba cntent y messaes and that y cmt eve with sin me assetive anae wi hep y impve y nnveba cmmnicatin skis. T et stated, ty y hand at Execise 4-1. It wi hep y bseve the dieence in y vice and bdy anae when y deive nn-assetive, aessive, and assetive statements. A
Exercise 4-1 Words into Action
N
C
1. Ask a frien friend d to videot videotape ape yo you u readin reading g (or putt putting ing into y your our ow own n word words) s) the ffollow ollowing ing stat stateements. Or, put the camera on a tripod and do your own recording. If you don’t have access to a video camera, capture your voice on an audio recorder while watching yourself in a mirror. 2. Reco Record rd eac each h stat statemen ement, t, one after the ot other her,, in one ttake ake.. 3. Then, p play lay ba back ck the n non-as on-assertiv sertive e and asse assertive rtive st statem atements ents in E Exampl xample e 1. 4. Write do down wn what y you ou observ observe e about yo your ur voic voice e and body lan language guage in th the e nonass nonassertive ertive an and d assertive readings. Do you see a contrast? If so, what stands out? What does this say to you about nonverbal communication? 5. Fol Follow low the s same ame proce process ss ffor or E Examp xamples les 2 and 3 3.. Example 1
Nonassertive language: “Oh, excuse me, Doug, I’m sorry to bother you when you’re so busy, but, ah, I was wondering, and maybe this isn’t okay, but I was wondering, you know, if I can talk with you sometime about my vacation schedule? Is that possible?” Assertive language: “Doug, I’d like to talk with you about my vacation schedule. Can we meet next week?” Your observations:
Example 2 Nonassertive language:
“If you don’t mind—and mind—an d this may or may not seem a bit arcane arcan e to you—but if you’re open to it, and hopefully you are, we might look at another approach to financing this phase, if you will, of our expansion plan.” Exercise 4-1 continues on next page.
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Exercise 4-1 continued from previous page.
Assertive language: “I propose another approach to financing this phase of our expansion. I recommend that we cap our debt financing at $150 million millio n and delay new store openings in the southwest region. Here’s why . . . .” Your observations:
Example 3
Aggressive language: Aggressive “There you go agai again, n, T Tom. om. You never give u us s feedback on our repor reports ts until the last minute and we always end up in a time bind. We’re sick and tired of being the pawns in your game, just so you can play hero to senior management.” Assertive language: “Tom, delaying feedback on our reports like this puts the entire team in a time bind, forcing us to work nights and weekends. M More ore timely feedback from you will solve that problem. Is there any reason that you cannot turn around our reports more quickly?” Your observations:
What did y bseve abt y eadin these thee exampes? fm a sticty veba pespective, the passive, aessive, and assetive aspects these qtes ae aiy bvis. Bt what abt the vice tne and bdy anae that went with them? Exhibit 4-2 ists sme the nn-veba ces eneay assciated with these thee appaches t cmmnicatin.
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xhibit 4-2 Non-Verbal Cues Passive
63
Aggressive
Avoids eye contact
Glaring eye contact; squinting
Shoulders hunched
Leaning forward
Head down
Head craned forward
Low voice
Strong and unusually loud voice
Hands held in front in a defensive posture
Pointing or jabbing forefinger at the listener; or hands on hips; or arms crossed in front
mtcnctn: mnn bynd t wds Imaine this scenai. Y set the aam an h-and-a-ha eaie than y sa wake-p time, s y can et t wk ahead y manae and c-wkes. c-wkes. Y k wad wad t answein y y emai ee distactins and pishin the tip ept ept n ast week’s eina saes meetin. When y aive, aive, y’e y’e spised t n int the Vice Pesident Natina Saes wh says in a bmin vice as she waks by, “My, y’e t an eay ea y sta statt tday.” Y mmbe, “W “We, e, yes, I am.” The V V.P .P.. stid stides es int he ice. Y nck the d t y ice and wak inside and wnde, “Nw, what was that a abt?” Did y V.P. mean y neve cme in eay? Did she mean that y’e tyin t shw he p? Did she mean that she’s impessed with y eay aiva? Y think abt he tne vice, he acia expessin, and the bdy anae t iv ivee y a ce. The meanin y’e y’e tyin t ie t in this sitatin is what cmmnicats ca metacmmnicatin. Speciicay Speciicay,, this is “the intentina nintentina impied meanin a messae . . . [that] thh nt ex-
pessed in wds, accmpanies a messae that is expessed in wds” (Chaney and Matin, Mati n, 2004). As we cmmnicate cmmnica te with ne anth anthe e,, we intepet the impied meanin the’s w wds, ds, jst as they’e they’e intepetin wds. This is anthe easn—and an imptant ne at that—t be pecise and a nd cnc cncete ete in the wds we chse. Yet, Yet, we aen’t aways aways peci pecise se and neithe ae the pepe, s we cntine t intepet each the’s vice and bdy anae meanin. undestandin these vca and visa ces can hep s impve impve intepetatins.
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Six Dime imeNSi NSioNS oNS of NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN In this sectin, we’ we’ expe the dimensins nnve nnveba ba cmmnicatin t hep s extact the deepe meanins messaes. T These hese dimensins ae:
• Bdy mvement • Bdy cntact cntactt • Eye cntac • Intepesna space • Sience Paaanae ae • Paaan We’ pesent these dimensins ist in tems cte in the united States and then, pint t the simiaities and dieences di eences with the ctes. Athh we wn’t be csin n eina vaiatins, it’s imptant t nte that in a cnty as ethnicay ethnica y div divese ese and ae ae as the united States, eina standads may as vay m the natina nms. once y ndestand these dimensins nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin, we’ then pesent a sectin n hw y can se them t make y cmmnicatins me assetiv assetive. e.
bdy mnt This dimensin nnveba cmmnicatin incdes estes, acia expessins, pste, and “the manneisms” (Chaney and Matin, 2004). f exampe, acia expessins te s abt a pesn’s pe sn’s md, eeins, eeins, and attitdes. Many ae nivesa, nivesa, sch as a s smies wns, ahte cies. As pepe becme sciaized, they ean hw t cnt expessins t mask thei emtins, especiay inapppiate nes. Hw d they d this? As Abeti and Emmns expain, they becme me awae “hw the acia msces ee in vais acia expessins. Then, they can bein t cnt thei expessins and make
[them] cnent with what [they’e] thinkin, eein, sayin” (Abet and Emmns, 1995). The The same hds t te e estes and bdy pste. Whateve Whatev e the wds, mst individas in i n the united States view an active and eect pste as assetive assetive and a sched pste as passiv pass ive. e. Nevs and eatic estes indicate a ack se-cnidence. Ths, a pesn’s estes, acia expessins, pstes, stance, and the aspects mv mvement ement can eithe enhance cnse a veba messae. Eectiv E ectivee cmmnicats keep these tw tw ms cmmnicatin in ainment. Keep in mind that sme cmmn estes in the united States ae intepeted dieenty in the ctes. I y wk with pepe m the cnties, take time t ean the basics thei bdy anae and hw t pesent yse nnvebay in a way that wi avid ictin and misndestandin. Hep esces incde tave ides, nine sces devted t intenatina bsiness and css-cta cmmnicatin, and bks, sch as Kiss, Bow, Bow, or Shake Hands: How to Do Busines Businesss in Sixty Countr Countries ies by by Tei Tei M Misn, isn, Wayne A. Cnaway, and gee A. Bden.
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bdy Cntct
65
In Nth Ameica, a handshake, whethe it’s im imp, is ne the mst imptant nnveba messaes we send. Whie the handshake is a cmmn and accepted accept ed m tchin, excessiv excessivee tchin may be peceived as sexa haassment aessive behavi, whie thse wh habitay shink m physica cntact may be peceived as passive deensive (fntain and Ath, 1990). By cntast, ccasina tchin ams shdes, especiay when it’s spntanes and pen, may be view vi ewed ed as assetiv asse tivee (Ibid (Ibid .). .). Any time y in beynd a handshake, hweve hweve,, it’s imptant t w the standads y anizatin and pessin. In his bk, Gestures , re re Axte divides ctes int thee cateies: dn’t tch, tch, and midde nd. He has cateized the united States, Japan, Japa n, Canada, Enand, Scandi Scandinavia, navia, and the Nthen Epean Epean cnt cnties ies as “dn’t tch” ctes. “Tch” “Tch” ctes incde inc de latin Ameican cnties, c nties, geece, Itay, Spain, Pta, rssia, and sme Asian cnties. “Midde nd” ctes incde fance, China, India, Ieand, Astaia, and Midde Easten cnties (Exhibit 4-3). Accdin t Axte, bth men and wmen in tch ctes may hd hands wak dwn the steet “am in i n am.” In these ctes, same-sex tch-
in is ten the nm and des nt indicate hmsexa behavi. behavi. f f exampe, latin Ameican men ten eet each the with an aectinate embace, pacin bth hands n the et the’s shdes. In cntast, men in becase the Midde East mst avid sin hand in tchin anthe pesn the et hand is cnsideed ncean (Chaney and Matin, 2004). In Asia, it’s tab t tch smene’s head, becase the head is cnsideed cnsid eed saced (Ibid ( Ibid ..). ). Tch is a vey sensitive isse, and anyne wh cndcts bsiness acs acsss bdes bde s and acss ctes mst ean and bseve the nms.
xhibit 4-3 Touch and Non-Touch Cultures
Touch
Middle Ground
Non-Touch
Latin American countries
China
United States
Mediterranean countries (Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal)
India
Canada
Ireland
Japan
Australia
Northern European countries
Russia Parts of Asian countries
Middle Eastern countries France
England Scandanavia
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ey Cntct In the united States, Bitain, Canada, and in Nthen and Easten Epe, pepe expect diect eye eye cntact with thes, the s, bt nt constant constant ey eyee cntact. cn tact. f them, stain at anthe pesn is cnsideed aessive aessive whie the ack didi ect eye eye cntact as viewe viewed d as passive, i nt tstwthy shwin a ack inteest. By cntast, Asians, Easten Indians, and Ameican Indians view kin dwn indiecty as a wa way y shwin espect. The They y cnside diect eye eye cntact de. Ths, the nate smene’s eye cntact tes s a t abt his he eve assetiveness, as n as we evaate it within the ppe
cta cntext.
intpsn Spc Is thee a pint at which anthe pe pesn’s sn’s cseness t y makes y y ncmtabe? D y have a enea sense what distance m anthe pesn is mst apppiate? apppia te? Mst pepe d have this sense, and it ve vens ns hw they ee in cetain cetai n sitatins. f instance, i smene ste steps ps t cse t them, they ee ncmtabe and want t back away. In his semina stdies cta anthpy, anthpy, Edw Edwad ad T. T. Ha cateized the se space int cateies: intimate, pesna, scia, and pbic (Teja, 2005). Intimate Space Ha identiied intimate space as 18 inches ess (Chaney and Matin, 2004). Mst Ameicans ae ncmtabe bein at this distance any enth in time with a stane sta ne smene they dn’t knw we, athh they’ mak makee an exceptin when shakin hands (Chaney and Matin, 2004) and a nd standin in eevats eev ats (T (Teja, eja, 2005). In the wkpace, entein anthe pesn’s intimate space witht pemissin pe missin is eneay viewed as aessiv aessivee behavi. It makes pepe inheenty ncmtabe. Personal Space Ha identiied pesna space as 18 inches t eet. In the wkpace, pepe se this space “ ivin instctins t thes wkin csey with anthe pesn” (Chaney and Matin, 2004). As Eizabeth Teja pints t, the bsiness phase “am’s-enth eatinship” has its iins in the far the far phase distance (see win paaaph). She expains that keepin this distance in the wkpace heps pepe maintain “ppe eatinships” eatinships ” and ptects them m bein “cnted “cnt ed ndy iinenced” nenced” by thes (Teja, (Teja, 2005). Social Space
Hadistance identiied scia spacepepe a s act as timpesnay tweve eet. In thewith w wd d wk,Athis is the within which and maity. bsiness meetin, exampe, typicay takes pace within the t tweve tweve t scia space. Teja wites that the near phase scia, which is t seven eet, “is the ane at which mst bsiness cnvesatins and inteactins ae cndcted,” whie the far the far phase , eiht t twev twevee eet, ives ise t “tansa “tansactins ctins that have a me ma tne” (Teja, 2005). She pints t that many AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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anizatins in the united States pace ice nite seni manaes and exectives exectives in aanements that sppt the eiht t tweve eet pincipe a scia space. Public Distance Ha identiied pbic distance as ve tweve eet. Cmmnicatin and inteactin in this pbic space is ess pesna and qaitativey dieent than what tanspies at a cse cs e distance. Can y imaine tyin t cmmnicate with smene sme ne wh is twenty- twenty-ive ive eet away? away? Ceay, y y wd have t speak vey dy and exaeate y bdy anae in de t cmmnicate at a, which is what pepe mst d when they make make a speech in a ae ha. given giv en Ha’s -pat space s pace system, hw shd y maneve maneve i y’e y’e tyin t be assetiv ass etive? e? When inteactin with thes in the wkpace, assetive pepe chse a distance that is apppiate the ccasin and the nate the eatinship—nt s cse that they make thes ncmtabe, yet nt s a a awa away y that they appea detached excessivey excessivey ma. I they mst be a aw away—as ay—as when ivin a speech pesentatin—the p esentatin—they y cnte the e-
ects physica distance thh a pwe vice vice,, and aeated aeate d bdy anae that cance be seen anae, and intepeted at a distanc distance. e. ex-
Snc Sience is anthe dimensin nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin that can hep y with assetive cmmnicatin. respndin respndin qicky t anthe pesn’s cmmnicatin—that is, nawin the ap sience—wi eneay make y appea me assetive than smene wh pases stttes in a seach wds. That said, sience can as be sed as an assetiveness t. Cnside this exampe: The aessive aessive bss w was as demandin demandin a stin t a pessin p pbem bem m his thee diect e epts. pts. Y Yein ein and wavin his a ams ms widy widy,, he ixed his stae n Bi: “S what can be dne abt this pbem, Bi?” Bi emained cam and cmpsed, and didn’t say a wd at east twenty secnds. The n sience made the bss ncmtabe bt made Bi appea thht and in cnt, as thh he aeady had the stin, s tin, bt was chsin his wds caey caey.. Sience can as be sed t indicate disappva, as in espnse t a distaste jke. It can as be sed t daw t caiyin and eveain inmatin, becase pepe eneay ee awkwad din n siences and sh sh t i the vid. Cnside this exampe: Chatte, the eade a css-nctina team, was meetin with the the team membes. “gettin a hande n cstme demand this new pdct appeas t be swin pess,” she bseved t the thes. “undestandin cstme demand is nt a bi isse,” espnded Heen, a membe the team. The thes a ked at Heen in sience, as i askin, “We, what d y mean by
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that?” He, cmment, ate a, was cnteintitive and demanded sme expanatin. Ate a mment sience, Heen t thei nstated messae. “We, what I mean is that cstme demand is a qestin we can answe thh taditina maket eseach.” Expeienced netiats knw the vae vae si sience ence and se it t thei advantae. vanta e. As pepe devep thei assetivene assetiveness ss skis, ski s, they ean when t deive a qick espnse din an intechane and when t est t sience.
Pn Paralanguage invves a vca aspects messaes beynd wds: vice Paralanguage invves tne, speakin ate, inectin, vme, eney eve, ency ency,, and s n. It incdes vcaizatins sch as ahin and cyin, attendin snds sch as “h-hh,” and ies (“ms” and “hs”) (Chaney and Matin, 2004). Paaanae eveas attitdes twad seves and thes and the sitatin at hand. It as eveas the pat the wd the natin we’e m. It ets pepe knw i we’e we’e any, happ happy y, impatient, sstnned, tnned, pepexed, pe pexed, amn the emtins. As with the the dimensins nnveba cmmnicatin, paaanae is cte-speciic. In the united States, exampe, we ten chaacteize pepe wh speak vey d as de, bish, aessive. Pepe wh speak vey st ae ten chaacteized as insece timid—that is, nassetive.. on the the hand, a d speake in an Aab natin is viewed nassetive viewed as demnstatin stenth and sinceity sincei ty.. The pace speech is anthe aspect as pect paaanae. Pepe Pepe m Itay and Aa Aab b natins, instance, say speak at a aste ate than d pepe in the centa united States. What we miht intepet as ane impatience in this apid ate speech is the nm thei ctes. The same pace isse is bsevabe within the united States; cmpae, exampe, the apid cip an ban New Yke with the sw daw a a Kentckian. As y devep y y nnveba cmmnicatin skis, se paaanae that cnveys cnveys the messae y w want ant t send and the emtins y wish t evea. Be eqay attentive attentive t the vca ces thes. Nw that y’e y’e acqainted with the dimensin nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin, y ae eady t mve mve n t Execise 4-2 n pae 69, in which y ae asked t anayze the nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin pepe y w watch atch n a teevisin pam y chice and then cateize the cmmnicatin as passive, aessive, assetive.
PuTTiNg Toge ogeThe Ther r The DimeNSioNS for aSSerTive NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN (aNC) The six dimensins nnveba cmmnicatin descibed abve ae ike bidin bcks. I y pt them tethe in apppia apppiate te ways, ways, y wi make y nnveba cmmnicatins me assetive and eective. What ws AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
Exercise 4-2 Evaluating the Nonverbal Dimensions
© A m e r i c a n M a n h a t g t p e : m / / w e w t n w A . s a s m o a c i n a e t i t . o o n r . g A / l l r i g h t s r e s e r v e d .
1. Record a tele television vision talk s show how on videot videotape ape or DVD DVD.. It may may be a bu busisiness-oriented program, a political program, a self-help program, or any other television program where people express ideas and interact. 2. Av Avoid oid watchi watching ng the show while you you’re ’re recording. recording. (We suggest suggest that yo you u leave the room so you don’t overhear the conversation.) 3. Once y you’v ou’ve e recorded recorded the program, program, re rewind wind it to the beginning. beginning. 4. Then, pr press ess the mut mute e button on your your televisio television n set or remote control control and play back the program without sound. 5. Watch Watch the progr program am straig straight ht through witho without ut taking notes. notes. (F (First irst impresimpressions are important.) 6. Then, re replay play th the e progr program am and fill in a description description of each each nonverbal nonverbal dimension, except the paralanguage categor category y. You may stop and start, star t, or use the pause button to do this. Nonverbal Speaker #1 Dimensions
P
Ag
A
7. Once you’v you’ve e filled in the c categories ategories,, determine if tthe he nonv nonverbal erbal co commummunication is passive (P), aggressive (Ag), or assertive (A) and place an “X” or checkmark in the appropriate column. 8. Next, Next, go back back to the begi beginning nning of th the e progr program am and repl replay ay it wi with th the sound on. 9. Fill in the par paralanguage alanguage category and dete determine rmine if the spe speaking aking s style tyle (not the content of the message) is passive, aggressive, or assertive. 10.Finally, listen to the content of each speaker’s message (what the speaker says) to evaluate if the speaker’s verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Fill in the “Observations/Comments” section of the worksheet.
Speaker #2
P
Ag
A
Speaker #3
P
Ag
A
Body movement
A S S E r T I V E
Body contact
N o N V E r B A l
Eye contact Interpersonal space
C o
M M u N I C A T I o N
Silence Paralanguage Observations/Comments:
6 9
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is a ist i st actins y can take t make y y assetive nnv nnveba eba cmmnicatin, ANC, an eective habit. Bee y attempt this, take a mment t scan Exhibit 4-4, which ists many the bdy anae behavis y wi
expeience in the wkpace, and what they say mean.
mk Pp us Spc Hw y se space and the deee t which y espect the space thes sends a messae abt y assetiveness. f the mst pat, y shd nt invade smene’s intimate space except a handshake a patnic h, and the atte atte ny iven t pepe y knw w we. e. Y Y se the the typ types es space—pesna, scia, pessina—shd apppiatey match the ccasin and eatinship. f f exampe, it’s it’s apppiate t ente pesna space when tainin an empyee t d a physica task, hepin a cstme pt n an vecat, vecat, hepin team membes edit a ept. on the the hand, din the same thin at a pessina netwkin event meetin with epesentatives tativ es anthe cmpany wd pbaby be inapppiate. Aways Aw ays be aet t hw thes espnd t y mvement mvement in space. Even when y’e y’e ppey within the bndaies a pa patica tica space, i the the pesn steps back m y, d nt pse. That pesn miht eqie me distance than y ae ivin him he h e.. I y step wad as the the pesn pes n steps back, y isk cmin acss as aessive aessive athe than assetive. assetive. Nw,, et’s tn the ta Nw tabes. bes. I smene csses ve y ine cmt, step back. Y Y have a iht t y pesna space and t deine hw ae sma it is. By steppin back mvin t the the side a cnte desk, y maintain a ppe distance. d istance. Be awae, thh, that this actin may cme acss as passive, passive, especiay t smene wh is aessi aessive ve wh cmes m an aessive cte. Atenativey Ate nativey,, stand y nd an and d pt y hands n y hips, which indicates that y’e hdin the ine.
mntn Pssn appnc A pessina appeaance cntibtes t asse assetiv tivee nnveba cmmnicatin (ANC). In the united States, appeaance is ne the thee mst imptant nnveba messaes y send. The the tw ae y handsh handshake ake and eye eye cntact. Appeaance invves dess, haistye, min, and sch thins as makep and jewey. Assetive pepe dess apppiatey thei wk and anizatin. odinaiy,, that means eithe bsiness ma bsiness casa attie. Accntdinaiy in ims and inancia cmpanies, exampe, exampe, taditinay eqie the me ma wea dak bsiness sits, whie the entetainment and advetisin indsties ean twad the casa. Whateve y wk envinment, invest in qaity cthin that matches the cent stye. Cthin shd have a ppe it and be kept cean and pessed; shes shd be pished. I y wk eqies a nim, wea and maintain the nim accdin t y anizatin’s standad. Y haistye is anthe imptant aspect y pessina appeaance. Chse a haistye that has a cean-ct k and enhances the psitive psitive eates y ace. Aways Aways k keep eep y hai cmbed and washed. washed. I y c AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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y hai, se sbte tnes. finay, wea taste makep and jewey i it’s apppiate y ende and pessin. Avid heavy eye makep, danin eains, and ashy ins that jine jin e and itte and distact m y messae. remembe remembe,, y appeaance is ne the mst imptant nnveba nnveba cmmnicats. It a aects ects the way pepe size y p and espnd t y, which in tn aects y se-esteem.
g f hndsk The thid cmpnent assetiv asse tivee nnveba cmmnicatin ANC is a im handshake. handshak e. A im handshak handshakee is pat the eetin ita in the united States and in many the natins and its qaity sends a stn messae abt y
xhibit 4-4 Body Language and What It Says to Others Body Language
Meaning
Crossing the arms ac across the chest
Often a defensive or nervous posture, but sometimes nothing more than a comfortable position
Tou ouch chin ing go orr s scr crat atch chin ing g tthe he mout mouth ho orr che cheek ek
Ne Nerv rvou ous; s; an anxi xiou ous s
Breaking e ey ye c co ontact ffrrom tth he s sp peaker
Possible s sig ign no off e eiither d diisinterest o orr disagreement with what is being said
Fiddling with something, even when maintaining eye contact with speaker
Possible disinterest
Head tilt while listening
Possible boredom
Looking Lookin g aw away ay ffrom rom th the e listen listener er whil while e speak speaking ing Spea Speaker ker m may ay be ly lying ing or hid hiding ing som something ething Nervous head movements
Anxiety
Smilin Sm iling g wit with h the mou mouth, th, but but not wit with h the ey eyes es
Sub Submis missio sion n to tthe he ot other her per person son
Staring and holding eye contact for for a long time, perhaps with eye squinting
Possible aggression
Steppi Ste pping ng a abno bnormal rmally ly c clos lose e to the oth other er p pers erson on
Agg Aggressio ression; n; domin dominance ance
Source: Perry McIntosh and Richard Luecke. Interpersonal Communication Skills in the Workplace. (New York: York: American Manage Management ment Association, 2008).
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se-cnidence t the pepe whse hands y shake. T shake smene’s hand, asp his he hand imy with y iht hand, and pmp sihty nce twice whie y make diect eye cntact. Avid widy pmpin the hand, eetin the pesn with a weak st handshake, sin a cshin asp, pacin y et hand h and n the pesn’s am whie y shake shake (except when y knw knw the pesn pe sn we). Y hand shd as be dy and wam t the tch. I y tend t pespie a t when y’e y’e nevs, dy y hands bee y meet smene. I y hands ae chnicay cd t the tch, wam them p by bbin them tethe n y y cthin. (o cse, d this ny i y’e y’e t the pesn’s ine siht b bee ee y ente the m.) A weak, sweaty, sweaty, cd handh andshake can et in the way way makin a stn ist impessin. S pactice y handshake with iends and c-wkes c-wkes y tst. use thei eedback t hne this eetin ita.
us Dct ey Cntct In additin t havin a pessina appeaance and a im i m handshake, se diect eye eye cntact t enae thes. lk the the pesn in the eye sevea secnds a peid time that ees nata and cmtabe t y. Then, beak away away biey and e-enae. Hwe Hweve ve,, avid cnstant, piecin eye cntact becase that makes pepe ee ncmtabe. ncmtab e. Diect eye eye cntact cmbined with diect anae is a pwe cmbinatin that wi make y cme acss as a staiht-wad, cnident, nnnsense pesn—the kind individa the pepe ae me apt t pay attentin t and whse ideas they’e they’e me ikey t accept. Eye Contact and Shyness I y’e s shy that y ind diect eye cntact diict, chaene yse t eca the eye c the pepe y meet and tak with din the day. T accmpish this, y mst k int thei eyes. This tick may hep y et past y shyness.
Eye Contact in a Small Group In the wkpace, it’s cmmn t tak with tw thee pepe in meetins, in haway cnvesatins, at nch, and in the sitatins. When y’e in a sma p, make diect eye cntact with everyone . Avid avin ne pesn with mst a y attentin. I y d, the thes may ee sihted, pehaps esent. It makes sense i y’e takin in a p t have ne and me eqent eye cntact with y bss. Ate a, this shws espect his he psitin and is apppiatey assetive, bt dn’t d this at the neect thes. Eye Contact with a Large Group I y’e speakin t a ae p pepe, make diect eye cntact with individas sectins y adience instead kin ve thei heads twad twad the back the m. lk int the eeyes yes ne pesn ( addess a p pepe) tw t thee secnds, then mve n nti y ha have ve incded a aeas a eas the m. once y’ve dne that, mve mve in the the diec-
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tin m pesn t pesn pe sn ( m sma sectin t sma sectin). This ends smthness and w t y eye cntact and makes a pesna cnnectin with the adience. adience . It takes time and pactice t ea ean n hw t d this whie ivin a pesentatin. once y’v y’vee masteed this techniqe, y adience wi be me eceptive bth t y and t what y have t say. Distracting Eye Movements Cetain eye mvements can et in the way y messae and assetiveness, and it’s best t avid them. f exampe, excessive binkin can make y appea nevs insece. rin y eyes wi make y seem dismissive cntempts. I y shit y eyes, y may k ike y’e yin and ae theee, ntstwthy.
us gd Pst Many s emembe paents and teaches mbin at s abt p pste din adescent yeas; they’d scd: “Stand p staiht. P y shdes back. Tck in y stmach.” And they wee iht. gd pste cnts as it aects hw pepe think s. When y pactice d pste, y k cnident and centeed as y stand, sit, and wak. When You Stand
Standin p staiht stai ht es iht t the ce a d pste. Keep y y sh des back and dwn, and y chest t. T Tck ck in y stmach. Baance y stance by pttin y weiht weiht eqay n bth eet. eet. (Bendin y knees a bit wi hep y d this.) In pie, y bdy shd m a staiht, vetica ine m head t te. It shd k nata and eaxed. Hee ae sme thins th ins t avid when y stand: Avid Avid hnchin ndin y shdes, shitin y weiht m t t t, standin with y ankes cssed, scatchin y e with y t, dancin and, pacin back and th, eanin aainst the wa wa tabe, and s n. These actins ptay y as nevs and insece. In additin, avid standin with a iid iid pste as pepe may view y y as tense and aessive. By the same tken, avid standin with y chin tited p as y tak with thes. th es. They ma may y see y as aant and impeis. imp eis. Pactice y stance in nt a -enth mi. Take a k at yse acin wad and in i n pie, and adjst y pste accdiny. When You Sit gd sittin pste as cnveys se-cnidence. Sit p staiht with y hips back in the chai and y eet at n the . Y Y may pt ne e in nt the the a nata k. Hd y hands in y ap, ace dwn n y thihs, cmtaby n a tabe. Hee ae sme thins t avid when y sit: Avid schin in y
chai, sittin nside the ede y ippin chai, chai, shitin ckin in y chai, eanin twad tw ad ne thethe, the ams the chai, and swi swivein vein the chai. These actins make y k insece. Avid cssin y ams as this deensive pste pts a baie between yse and the the pesn.
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In additin, avid cssin y es ankes, becase this cmes acss as t casa a bsiness bsi ness settin, and even de. And by a means, avid cssin y e at the knee and shakin y t. This cmes acss as t casa, and thes may view y as extemey nevs impatient. finay, avid sittin in a iid iid pste, which sests sests that y ae tense and inexibe. As with y stance, pactice y y sittin pste in nt a -enth mi. Y miht ty this with dieent types chais—a ea chai, an amchai, a swive swive chai chai,, and a st, exampe. (I it’s a ta st, est y eet n the ede.) Watch yse acin the mi and in pie and then, adjst y pste. When You Walk
When y y wak, se a nata ait, y shdes back, and y chin staiht. As y mve by the pepe, pass them n the iht, whie stayin y cse. Avid steppin aside i smene mves twad twad y in y path. That’s passive behavi that wi make y appea weak. Y have a iht t “stand” y nd. on the the hand, h and, y may decide t mv mvee t the way way becase y want t be pite and that’s imptant t y. This is y chice t make. The advice is dieent an aessive pesn tyin t becme me assetive. Avid Avid mvin int the pepe’s pep e’s paths as they appach them. Instead, stick t y wn path, and dn’t encach n thse thes. As with standin and sittin, pactice y wak wak in nt a -enth mi. Y can as pactice by kin at y eectin in ste windws. This This wi ive y a pie y wakin pste—a d pespective t have.
Pps gsts T este with ppse pp se means mvin y ams and hands han ds in nata, nata , wecdinated mtins that sitaby eince the wds and meanin y messae. They’e nt haheated hahea ted tenta tentative. tive. Y Y cmmit t each mvement cmpetey cmpet ey,, yet y d this me ess n ncnsci cnscisy. sy. T T pt it i t anth anthe e way, way, estes w t m yabt messae. t pan ahead time think mch themIasy yty speak, yy mayestes becme se-cnscis. And nce nc e y becme se-cnscis, y estes becme nnata, stited, ncdinated. gestes shd be pptinate t the space. Ths, i y’e y’e in a ae ae m, sch as an aditim, se bade and me sweepin estes than y wd in a sma m. othewise, they wi nt be nticed. And avid the win, as they can make y y appea ncmta ncmtabe be insece, cmbative aessive:
• Nevs, andm estes
ovese estes estes payin yin with bjects ike pe pens ns and • Tappin n the tabe, desk, pdim, pa papecips, jinin thins in y pcket, ik ikee ke keys ys y hands (except a pinte) • Hdin ntes a pen the bjects in y estin with y y ists, pintin y y • Pndin n the tabe pdim, estin ine at pepe
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As with pste, ty pacticin estes in nt a -enth mi. Think smethin smet hin y w want ant t say t smene aatt wk and then say it ad. ad .
Watch y pste and estes, and evaate hw y messae cmes acss.. r acss repeat epeat the messae mes sae bt adjst y estes. Then mve mve n t anthe messae, pehaps ne that’s me emtin emtina a diict diic t t cnvey. cnvey. Wkin with a mi ives y immediate eedback n y bdy anae. It wi hep y devep devep ppse estes that k nata and that eince what y want t say.
Cnt Y fc epssns facia expessin is pbaby the mst pwe m nnveba cmmnicatin. It tes s i pepe ae happy, any, cis, ea, and s th. And we’e eneay me tstin what acia expessins te s than spken wds. Y expessins shd sh d match the cntent y messae and the sitsi tatin at hand. They shd as espnd apppiatey t smene ese’s messae. T T d this, y need t knw when t smie, wn, ah, and s n. n. Y Y need t knw when hw t have pen y expessin and when t hide y eeins. Y need t knw t an cnt expessins witht kin btic. Cntin y expessins is especiay imptant din netiatins and pemance eviews, and when y have t discipine an empyee— cnvesey—when y’e y’e bein eviewed eceivin neative eedback. T becme me assetive in y acia expessins, avid: y ips; bth make y cme acss as nevs and • Bitin wettin y
scaed. y deiv deive e a seis citica messae, when when smene • Smiin when y ese deives deives ne; that sends a cnsin messae. Tihtenin jttin y y jaw; that cmes acss as iid aessive. aessive. ane and aes• Psin y ips and ain y nstis; bth sina ane sin. • Smikin; it makes y appea aant.
Y can wk n y acia expessins in nt a -enth, bedm, bathm mi. Think smethin y want t te a ceae at wk and pactice it, mnitin and adjstin adj stin y acia expessin as y speak. Think hw y ceae miht espnd. Watch and adjst y acia expessin as y “isten” t the espnse. Nw, hee’s the bi test. Pactice a me diict cmmnicatin, sch as askin y manae y aise timetimid, . What intena eeins have as y y spke? Wee ya nevs, aaid? aai d? Hw we did y mask thse emtins? finay, think a messae whee an pen expessin is appp apppiate, iate, sch as paisin a c-wk c-wke e and pactice it. Hw des y ace k when y deive this messae vess the me diict ne? Cntine t wk n y acia expessin by deiv deivein ein a vaiety messaes.
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ect vc Dy Hw y speak can be as imptant as what y say. Eective vca deivey eqies attentin attenti n t esnance, vme, eney eve, tne, speakin ate, ency,, ennciatin, and iinectin. ency nectin. Resonance Sme pepe ae bn with the esnant vice a adi annnce and they’e they’ e ten the envy the est s. Y Yet, et, mst pepe have me than adeqate vices that with ine-tnin can seve them we in the wkpace and in the aeas thei ives. Vey ew pepe have an iitatin vice. Thse wh d can say et hep m vca caches. Hw can y speak in iche and nde tnes? The answe is beath sppt and vice pacement. I y’ve eve taken actin sinin essns, y’ve y’ ve had expeience with bth. Beath sppt beins with beathin m m y diapham as we as y ns. The The diapham is a memba membane ne that sep-
aates they abdmen y beathe deepy deepy, , it is with ai and sppts vice.and T chest. knw When i y’e beathin m y diapham, pt y hands n the sides y ts with y ines acin acin backwads, jst bew y ibcae. Take a deep beath thh y nse. Y shd ee y ts expand n bth sides and an d twad twad y back. I y dn’t, y y may be takin a shaw beath that ses ny y ns. Nw, Nw, ty aain nti y ee the ai expand y diapham. Deep beathin is a d way t eax y msces when y’e nevs. In additin t beath sppt, y can enhance vca qaity thh ppe vice pacement. A t pepe speak as i thei vice is tapped at the back thei that. This pdces a tta snd that acks vme. othes speak with a nasa qaity, which inicay means they’e not not sin sin thei nse. (I y pinch y nstis whie speakin, y’ y’ knw what nasa snds ike.) Ppe pacement ees ees as i y’ y’e e thwin y vice w wad ad past the y mth thh y nse and cheekbnes twad istenes. Mvin y vice wad in this way takes advantae esnatin eect the stcte the bnes and acia cavities. D this and y wi hea a dieence di eence in vca qaity. use an adi ecde t wk n y vca esnance. Speak a cmmn sayin ike “a penny saved s aved is a penny ea eaned” ned” with y typica typ ica deivey deivey.. Nw, Nw, take a deep beath and a nd speak it aain as y visaize y vice mvin wad. repay what y’ve y’ve ecded and nte the dieence di eence between the ist i st and secnd deivey. Keep pacticin nti y vice esnates with cnidence and pwe.
Volume When y y speak p, speak t! What is the beneit havin a antastic idea i pepe can’t hea it? I y speak t sty, pepe wi have t stain t hea and y wi cme acss as timid and passive. As, match the vme y vice t the size the m. f f exampe, i y take pat in a meetin in a ae cneence m, y’ tak de than y wd in a ne-nne encnte in a sma ice. Wheeve Wheeve y ae, se stn beath sppt
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and thw y vice wad, wad, as y did in ceatin a me esnant esnant snd. At ist, it may ee t y ike y’e shtin, even in pivate cnvesatins. Bt esist the temptatin t back t y qiet se. I, n the the hand, y eneay speak at a vme that wd shatte saety ass, y’e cmin acss as bmbastic and aessive. aessive. Y’ Y’ need t tne it dwn. As y ain me expeience, y’ ean hw t aise we the vme y vice damatic aect. a ect. This wi add a spise eement t y deivey that wi hep et and keep pepe’s attentin and as a s et y pints acss in a me pwe way. finay,, avid dppin y vice as y each the end y sentences, finay pesentatins, and speeches. Sme pepe dp thei vme when when they ee nevs se-cnscis. Hw y end is vita t the sccess y cmmnicatin. It’s the ast thin pepe hea, and it emains in thei memy. T be cnident abt what y have t say, aways end stn. It wi hep t pactice speakin t, tnin dwn, and vayin the vme y vice with an adi ecde. Energy Speakin with eney is nt the same as speakin dy; it’s abt shwin passin and enthsiasm (Aednd, (A ednd, 1991). A istess vice cmes acss as i the speake desn’t cae. This speake wi ai t ay istenes t his he case maintain thei attentin. Speakin with eney, hweve, demnstates that what y say mattes t y and, by extensin, that it shd matte t thes. “Enthsiasm is cntais,” wites lani Aednd in How to
Present Like a Pro , “Y adience wi catch y”y (Ibid enthsiasm (Ibid .). I y dn’t .). beieve it, pactice speakin with passin anditwm atch hw inects thes. As with the aspects y vice, se an adi ecde t pactice vca eney. Tone
Vice tne cmmnicates emtins and shd cnm t y messae, messae, t the sitatin, and t y istenes. Y wd nt se a chee vice a smbe messae, exampe, a stident vice a cmpiment. In this espect, the se vca tne is simia t acia acia expessins. Y Y need t knw when and hw t mask y emtins and when and hw t evea them with y vice tne. In bein assetive, ass etive, y y mst have cmmand y vice, whie whie y stay te t yse and espect thes. In the wds, y mst avid awin y vice t be vetaken by emtins—ness it’s apppiate. I, instance, y vice snds chked p shaky when y state an idea in a meetin espnd t citicism, y cme acss as ihtened and timid. In cntast, i y v vice ice snds chked p shaky when y y speak at a memia sevice a ceae, y wi seem mved and cmpassinate— bth apppiate t the sitatin. I y wee t stie y eeins in that sitatin, y’d cme acss as cd heatess. In bein assetive, et y tne vice pject y inne cnidence and tstwthiness. As with the aspects y v vice, ice, se an adi ecde t pactice y © American Management Management Association. Association. All All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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tne. Think sitatin si tatin at wk that pvkes stn eeins withi within n y, then cat a espnse. espns e. Is this a sitatin in which y vice shd mask y emtins? I s, aim a tne that snds cam and in cnt. on the the hand, shd y vice evea y emtins in this sitatin? I s, a tne snds te t the sitatin and yse. Cntine pacticin messaes that have stn ndeyin emtins. listen t the payback and adjst y tne. Speaking Rate on aveae, pepe speak between 125 and 150 wds pe minte (Kiey, 1997). Within that ane, they snd cnident and nata. once thei ate exceeds excee ds that ane, speakes snd insece, as i they can’t wait wait t et t the
inish ine. istenes can’t wait,wh eithe, becase they’eappea exhasted m the ide. onThei the the hand, pepe speak t swy nse what wds wds t se, which des nt inspi inspiee cnidence in thei istenes. T avid acin thh y messaes— dain thh them— have cnidence that y have smethin vaabe t say say,, and that what y’e tein pepe matches the ccasin. Y Y can bid that cnidence by knwin y mateia we and by havin easns t back p what y say. Pactice y speakin ate by sin an adi ecde, ecde, bt avid cntin the wds. Instead, isten t the payback and jde whethe y speed snds nata. Then, make adjstments as needed.
Fluency fency is a mease hw we y vice ws m ne thht t the next. f f the mst pat, y deivey shd be smth, with nata pa pases ses between cases and sentences. These pases wk in mch the same as they d in witin, whee cmmas, semicns, cns, and peids indicate the enth a pase. In witin, the peid stands a ne pase than a cmma. It’s the same when speakin; y’ y’ pase ne at the end a sentence and a paaaph than y wi between between an penin case phase and the est the sentence. Y a shd be t have a nata w t y vice, jst as y aim a nata speakin ate. T have a ent stye, avid jammin sentences tethe. Din s wi aw y istenes t absb the pints y’e makin. “rn-n” speakin makes y appea nevs and insece ins ece aessive, as i pasin pa sin miht ive smene a chance t jmp in and chaene y pint. Avid n and nnata pases between wds and sentence aments as these ceate a chppy deivey deiv ey that makes y snd nse yse. In additin, avid ie expessins sch as “m” and “h,” and ie wds, sch as “ike” and “y knw.” fies et in the way a ent deivey and bsce the messae. When y ee an “m” any the ie n the tip n y tne, pase biey instead. This wi snd ike a nata beak t y istenes, even i it ees ike a ap t y. once y devep devep a nata speakin ate, se an adi ecde t pactice. recd and pay back y y messae. f fcs cs speciicay n the hythm and w y wds. They shd snd smth and cnvesatina and be ie-ee. Cnt the nmbe “ms” and the ies i es and eiminate them in w-p ecdins. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Enunciate with Clarity Ennciatin ( aticatin) has t d with the caity c aity speakin. W When hen y ennciate we, istenes can ceay cea y ndestand evey w wd d y say. say. As a chid, y ma may y have had n pac pacticin ticin tne-twistes ike “Pete Pipe picked a peck picked p icked peppes” peppe s” in de t pactice pacti ce y “P’s” “P’s” “She ses seashes by the seashe” t pactice y “S’s and “E’s.” Y may have hned y vwes with hymes ike, ike, “Hw nw bwn cw cw.” .” These execises wee hep becase y had t pen p en y mth and eax y jaw in de t d them we—a techniqe that wks at any ae. Bth penin y mth
and eaxin jawstne jaw, , an with the cect pnnciatin pnnci atin ccnsnants nsnants and v vwes, wes, hepsy ense ennciatin.
Hee ae sme thins t avid: wds; these make y cme acss as caeess, • Mmbin sin y wds; shy, intimidated. make y appea sti and aessive, aessive, • ove-pnctatin cnsnants; these make as tentative tentative and vey cncened with makin a mistake. I y have a speech impediment, sch as a sttte, isp, the inabiity t pnnce a patica ette cmbinatin ettes, a ein einaqest accent, y mayme ee insece insecity canwith aecta y t becme asset ive.abt assetive. Yspeakin. may indThis it hep t wk speech theapist cach. Aain, pactice with an adi ecde. Deive a messae y want t say t smene at wk, eithe ne-n-ne in a meetin, then pay back the ecdin. Hw distincty did y speak? Did y mmbe s wds tethe? Wee y vey pecise t the pint sndin insece? reecd y messae and keep pacticin nti y wds ae cisp and cea. Inflection Inectin is the vaiatin in the pitch y vice. When When y speak with in-
ectin, y vice snds andabt ebient, instead at and wi d.In enea, when y speak y withivey passin a bt a tpic, vca inectin w. Y vice wi in with a vaiety pitches that snd nata, athe than pe-panned. In the wds, inectin is nt smethin y chat t ahead time; it bbbes p and t m within. Hw mch y vay y pitch shd depend n the adience and n the sitatin. The key is t snd nata. f exampe, se stn vca vaiety in meetins and din pesentatins t keep the adience inteested and aet. In an empye empyeee pemance eview, eview, thh, especiay i y’ y’e e ivin neative neati ve eedback, tne dwn y inectin and speak in a atte vice. T T mch vca vaiety vaiety in this sitatin miht detact m the seisness the sitatin.
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Tp: inctn
• Avid a sin-sn deivey; that is, a patten pedictabe pitches.
Aside m annyin y adience, it wi make y cme acss as ncmtabe nevs. sya bes in wds. • D nt stess the wn wds in sentences the wn syabes It makes y snd ncdinated and t sync with y messae. vid y mntne vice; is, i s, a vice that acks p pitch itch vaiatin. IItt wi •A make ya cme acss asthat ninvved and disinteested. • Avid aisin y pitch at the end a sentence that’s nt a qestin. Sme pepe d this when the they y want t be cabative and cnsideate. I y want t send that nnveba messae, ahead. Bt be awae that y istene may view y as tentative.
usin an adi ecde ecde is as an exceent way way t pactice vca inectin. recd a messae y’d y’d ike t deive in a meetin pesentatin. listen t the payback t hea hw we y y vay y pitch. Adjst and e-ecd y messae. Then, ecd a messae t smene whse behavi y’d ike t chane. Pay it back t hea i y pitch eects the me athitative nate the messae. I y need t wk me n inectin, e-ecd y messaes and keep pacticin.
Exercise 4-3 Putting the Components C omponents of As Assertive sertive Nonverbal N onverbal Communication Together
In this ex exercise, ercise, you’ll put together key components of assertive asser tive nonverba nonverball communication (ANC). You’ll dress in business formal wear and do an exercise that involves a sit-down discussion. Use a video camera to record a discussion between you and another person in the workplace (a volunteer). If you have a tripod, you’ll need nee d only one person per son to help with this exercise. (Set the camera on the tripod and punch the record button before you begin.) If you don’t hav have e a tripod, you’ll need two people: one to act as your discussion partner par tner and another to operate the video camera. (Use a still camera and tape recorder as a substitute, if you don’t have a video camera.) You and the o other ther person should sit in two cha chairs irs that face each other, yet angled slightly sli ghtly toward the camera. Adjust the camera to record both of you from just above the ankles to a few inches above the top of the head. Once the camera has begun recording, reco rding, hold a give-an give-and-take d-take discussi discussion on that lasts from three to five minutes. Then, stop the video recorder. Wait until you’re alone to evaluate your nonverbal communication performance. Then, follow these steps: 1. Rew Rewind ind the vide video o and press tthe he mute b butto utton n on your te telev levision ision or re remote mote con control. trol. 2. Pla Play y back back th the e sit sit-do -down wn discuss discussion ion w withou ithoutt sou sound. nd. 3. Wa Watch tch stra straight ight thro through ugh with without out takin taking g no notes tes.. 4. Repla Replay y the video and fill in a description of each category o off assertiv assertive e non nonverba verball comm communicaunication, except “Effective vocal delivery.” You may stop and start, or use the pause button to do this. 5. Once y you’ve ou’ve filled in a category category,, determine if your nonver nonverbal bal commu communication nication is passive ((P), P), aggressive (Ag), or assertive (A) and place an “X” or checkmark in the appropriate column. Exercise 4-3 continues on next page.
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Exercise 4-3 continued from previous page. 6. Ne Next, xt, go b back ack to tthe he begin beginning ning of tthe he tape a and nd repl replay ay it w with ith the s sound ound on on.. 7. Fill in the “Ef “Effec fective tive v vocal ocal deliv delivery” ery” categ category ory and determ determine ine if your your speaki speaking ng style (n (not ot the content of your message) is i s passive, aggressive, or assertive. 8. Then, listen to what y you ou say (your con content) tent) to evaluat evaluate e if y your our ver verbal bal and non nonverbal verbal com commumunication are in sync. Sit-Down Discussion
Use of space
Description of Behaviors
I appear to be within the proper boun bo undar darie iess he here re .
Professional appearance Eye contact Posture
I’m slouching.
Purposeful gestures Controlled facial expressions Effective vocal delivery a. Resonance b. Volu olume me c. Ener Energy gy d. Tone e. Speaking rate f. Fluency g. Enunciation h. Inflection As a final step in this exercise exercise,, complete the sections below. below. Observations/Comments:
P
Ag
A
What I will do to improve:
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a NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN JourNal Mch can be eaned by keepin a jna in which y ecd daiy exampes nnveba nnveba cmmnicatin. Jna-k Jna-keepin eepin ces a pesn t eect n thins that happened happen ed din the day day.. Y Y pbaby dn’t have the time iinteest nteest t d this evey day, bt ty din ne day each week a mnth. Seect any day the week t make y enty, enty, exampe n T Tesdays, esdays, then visit y jna jna at the end each Tesday in each the next ive weeks. reect back n the encntes y had din the day t detemine i y: y appeaance. • lked pessina in y eyee cntact. • Made diect ey imy. • Shk hands imy. with app apppiate piate vme, eney, eney, and idity. id ity. •• Spke used apppiate space. waked with d pste. • Std, sat, and waked • gested with ppse. • used the ppe vice tne. y acia expessins. • Cnted y Cmment n these in i n y jna. Nte what y did we and what y need t wk n, then keep pacticin. remembe remembe,, y can as ask as k eed eedback m iends and c-wkes c-wkes whm y tst.
Think About It . . . If you’re a manager, does your body language, tone of voice, and eye contact send metamessages
that employees employees might m misinterpret? isinterpret? Explain.
Do you use a different nonverbal communication style with your employees than you do with your peers and superiors? superiors? If so so,, is each style appropriate?
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Think About It continued from previous page. If you are not a manager, but a team member, do you use a different style of nonverbal communication with your co-workers co-workers than you do with your manager? If so so,, is that style appropriate? Is it assertive or passive? Explain.
aligN Your verb erbal al aND NoNverbal CommuNiCaTioN We nted in the ist paes this chapte that cmmnicatin has thee eements: what y say, hw y say it, and what the istene sees (bdy anae). Cmmnicatin is mst eective when these thee eements ae
ained—thatt is, when they ained—tha they send the same mess messae. ae. When y y wds say ne thin, y vice vme and tne and bdyT anae a say anthe anthe, , the istenebt eceives a mixed and cnsin cnsin messae. T appeciate hw ainment happens, cnside the win sitatin in which a sbdinate achieves psitive ainment amn the thee eements cmmnicatin. As y ead this sty,, picte yse in a simia sitatin. sty Sivia’s manae caed he int his ice. “Sivia,” said raph, “I have an assinment I want t discss with y. Pease sit dwn.” As she sat, Sivia eaned wad in he chai and aced he bss diecty. She ked at raph with a siht smie. She pened he hands in nt he, as i t say, “I’m pen. let me hea what y have t say.” “Sivia, we need t ind t what added sevices best cstmes miht be kin , and I need smene wh can desin a svey sve y qestinnaie, et them t t the iht pepe, and anayze cstme espnses nce we et them. Can y take that n this mnth?” Sivia ndded aimativey. aimativey. “I can d it i t this mnth i I pt ne the pject n the back bne.” She cntined with a qizzica k n he ace, “What type cstme espnses ae y kin : qantitative anecdta?” raph aised his eyebws. “gd qestin. What wd y ecmmend?” Sivia eaned wad and spke in an even, assetiv assetivee vice, and with a cnident k n he ace. “I beieve that a cmbinatin the tw wd wk wk best,” sh shee said aisin ais in tw ines twad raph,
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“Sme pepe in this cmpany espnd best t data, whie thes ike t hea cstme espnse in thei wn wds.” “gd idea,” said raph with a bad smie. “Makes sense t me—et t it!” “Wi d,” said Sivia enthsiasticay, standin t . Then she pased and tk a step cse t he bss. “raph, what st deivey iv ey date ae y thinkin abt this jb? My caenda is petty packed iht nw,” she said, hdin he hands pwad, as i spptin a ad wk, and penin he ey eyes es wide. “We,” espnded raph, “Hw abt ne mnth m tday.”
Y ve t it, Sivia said dy with a bad smie and a cenched ist thst th st wad. “I’ hav havee it dne by then.” In this exampe, Sivia vey sccessy ained what she said with hw she said it, and sppted bth with nnveba ces. This is exacty what y mst d as a s y wk twad twad becmin a me assetive assetive cmmnicat at wk. Tp: b Ys Hee’ss a ina tip that y shd take t heat. Y nnveba anae Hee’ shd eect the kind pesn the pepe ndestand y t be. I y depat t mch—in vice, pste, inectin—m what they aeady ndestand abt y, they wi qestin y enineness: “What’s with Bb? Has he been taken ve by space aiens?” f instance, i y ae knwn as an even-tempeed pesn—smene whse ane dispayed emtins desn’t swin vey a in eithe diectin—vedin y emtina dispay wi seem atiicia and insincee t c-wkes. As y ty t new techniqes, be se t inteate them int y cent stye nn-veba cmmnicatin which wi ceate bette ainment. Dn’t behave as thh y ae smene ese!
re
p
In this chapte, y eaned that ace-t-ace messaes have thee eements: eement s: what y y say, say, hw y say it (sch as v vice ice tne and vme), and the nnveba nnveba bdy anae shwn t the istene. The The atte tw ms nnveba cmmnicatin accnt the aest ptin the ace-t-ace messaes y send—38 pecent and 55 pecent espectivey espectivey,, accdin t ne stdy. Y as eaned that i y visa and vca
messaes cntadict the wds say, pepe swayed me by the nnveba than veba pat yy messae. That’swi whybe y need t maintain ainment between what y say, hw y say it, and y bdy anae. Many the nnveba ces y send ( eceiv eceivee m the thes) s) have eithe passive, aessive, aessive, assetive chaactei chaacteistics. stics. f eexampe, xampe, a pesn pe sn in a passive mde tends t avid eye cntact, keep his he head w, and speak in AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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a w vice. An assetive pesn in the same sitatin wi maintain eye eye cn tact, have eect pste, and speak with a stn, we-mdated vice. Six dimensins nnveba cmmnicatin wee pesented and expained: bdy mvement, bdy cntact (tchin), eye eye cntact, intepesna in tepesna space, sience, and paaanae. Whie many aspects nnveba cmmnicatin ae nivesa, sch as smiin, thes ae ctay inenced. Bdy mvement mvement incdes estes, aci acia a expessins, pste, and manneisms. Eatic estes, exampe, say ceate with ack cnidence. Bdy cntact is cmmny shwn thh handshakes and the ms tchin, sme which may be peceived peceived as aaessi essive. ve. The The es ey eyee cntact vay with ctes. In the united States, Bitain, Canada, and in Nthen and Easten Epe, pepe expect diect eye eye cntact with the thes. s. Stain at anthe pesn is cnsideed aessive aessive whie the ack diect eye eye cntact as viewed as a passive. passive. Hw pepe se intepesna space pvides anthe indicatin whethe they ae passive, aessive, aessive, assetive. Cta anthpist, anthp ist, Edwad T. Ha chaacteized the se space int cateies—intimate, pesna, scia, and pbic—with each deined by the distance m a patica individa. ind ivida. T T be an assetive pesn, y mst bth de deend end y space bndaies m invasin by thes, and be sensitive t the space eqiements the pepe y inteact with. Sience has nnveba qaities. leavin t mch a sience ap between ne pesn’s statement and y espnse may ive a sina that y ae nse yse. on the the hand, maintainin a ap sience between anthe pesn’s tbst and y epy may make y y appea cam, c, and in cnt. Paaanae invves a vca aspects messaes that we d nt expess in wds: vice tne, speakin ate, inectin, vme, eney eve, pitch, accent, ency, and s n. and that cyin ae exampes paaanae, as ae the “h-hh” andlahin “ike” ies ppate cmmnicatin with thes. The chapte as advises eades t keep a jna in which he she ecds daiy wkpace expeiences with wi th nnveba cmmnicatin. Keepin a jna ces a pesn pes n t cnscisy eect n thins that happened din the day and hw he she handed them. finay, ainment between the thee eements cmmnicatin—what we say, hw we say it, and the nnveba ces assciated with each—was ndesced in a case exampe.
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Review Questions
1. The bsiness phase “am’s-enth eatinship” eates t: (a) the a a phase phase pesn pesna a space. space. (b) intima intimate te space space.. (c (c)) pbi pbicc spa space ce.. (d) the nea nea phase scia space. space.
1. (a)
2. Which the win nnve nnveba ba ces indicate passive passive behavi? (a) Cnted vice, vice, diect eye eye cntact, back sappin sappin,, inteptin (b) Cnstant eye eye cntact, tiht jaw, jaw, sti bdy anae, inapppiate tch (c) fidetin fidetin,, kin dw dwn, n, apid speech, smpin smpin pste (d) Pessina appeaance, im handshake, handshake, id speech, d d pste
2. (c)
3. Metacmmnicatin is the: (a) n-tem n-tem meanin meanin a mess messae. ae. (b) ae-then ae-then-ie -ie mea meanin nin a messa messae. e. (d) impied meanin a messae beynd beynd the acta w wds. ds. (e) caey caey ca cated ted syntax syntax a messae. messae.
3. (c)
4. When takin with thes in a sma p, p, y shd: 4. (a) (a) make diect eye eye cntact with each pesn, witht avin ne at the expense thes. (b) make avid diect makin makineye eye eye with cntact anyne. ne. (c) eydiect e cntact thewith mstany p pwe we pesn in the p mst the time. (d) diect y y cmmnicatin t tthe he pesn in the cente the p. 5. Accdin t eseach cndcted by D. Abet Mehabian, the veba pat a messae accnts _________ pecent what a istene peceives. (a) 38 (b) 93 (c) 7 (d) 55
5. (c)
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a ou W Learning Objectives Objectives By th nd o thi chapt, yo hod b ab to: o dopin poiti • Idntiy n action o
•
iibiity at wo. Dic th connction connctio n btwn ati atin n and tain ponibiity o on’ pomanc.
Now that yo ndtand how to b ati—thoh yo pch, non-
ba c, and o oth—th nxt chan i to idntiy and xpoit oppotniti to dmontat ati bhaio wh yo w wo. o. Thi chapt wi how yo how to cat a mo poiti and iib pnc in yo poiona i. H yo’ ind n pactica action yo can ta towad that oa. On ino ino catin a daiy action pan. Th oth o thi o a ponibiity, omajo on’ ction cc and chapt ai i atabot wo.tain Popownhip, who do thi iwd a ton, conidnt, and ati a ti. . A in oth chapt, yo’ yo’ ind xci and Thin Abot It mnt that chan yo to pond to what yo’ and.
Developing positive visibility at Work Ha yo yo noticd how pai pop m to bnd into th bacond in th hop o at th oic? Thy’ Thy’ qit and aab, and thy don’t ca attntion to thm. Thy Thy o abot thi ta mo o iniiby withot © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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main wa, wa, wo oiciny dint, pain p. y Athoh many o th ida do ida thioicin w,o thy don’t awa away ma th ct whn thindibo i pain ot pomotion o pm ainmnt. Ha thi bn yo xpinc? li yon yon , th nati o ca conition o thi ood wo—conition wo— conition i an impotant hman nd—and a tatd tatd whn a thy t i a pat on th had and om wod o pai p ai addd to thi anna pomanc iw (which diappa into th ponn i). Th oya “wo b” notic oth oth pain pai n thm by and wond why. why. “What’ o pcia abot h?” “H’ jt a -pomot,” th thy y otn compain. A yo on o th had-woin bt iniib pop in yo oanization? On th oth nd o th continm, th a ai ai pop who bha and commnicat in way that ca attntion to thm. Thy Thy cam, bad, and by. Thy d down co-wo and bodinat in ont o oth. Thy a comptiti in th xtm. fo thm, wo i i a zom am in which anyon’ anyon’ ain mt podc a o o omon . Conqnty,, winnin i a mt o thm. I thi how pop at wo iw yo? qnty Th point o th dciption i not to typcat pop, bt to t that bin paiy paiy iniib o ainin iibiity thoh ai ai bhaio
won t bnit yo yo ca in th on n. Th on-n winn winn in th modn wopac a tho who achi poiti iibiity. Poiti iibiity man that thy and thi wo a noticd, that thy tand ot om th cowd, and that thy ha a poiti aa. In thi ction, yo’ an abot n action that can hp yo cat poi poiti ti iibiity wh yo wo. T Th h n ati action a: ti
1. spa p and ha yo yo iw iw. . 2. Dia Dia aaby aa by.. 3. Paticipat actiy actiy in mtin. yo o own wn bt champion. 4. B yo 5. Hand compimnt compimnt w with ith ac. ac. contcti citicim a a -impomnt -impomnt oppotnity. oppotnity. 6. loo at contcti 7. Cat and oowin oowin a daiy atin atin pan. ac #1: s U d sh yu vw vw I yo’ on th pai id o atin, yo nd to ai yo poi. Yo mt bcom mo iib in a poiti way. Th it action tp towad doin that i to pa p and ha yo iw whn whn appopiat oppo oppotniti tniti pnt thm. By appopiat, w man whn whn yo intt a at ta and whn yo ha omthin poiti to contibt. Bin with a, inoma ncont, ch a pontano p ontano con conation ation with pop yo tt at wo, conation in th haway, at nch, and at th photocopy machin. u ati commnication to t pop now, now, in aA poiti andtodict whatyo thinand abot th topic bin qtion h owway, how that yo’ yo’ inod inttd. stand otdicd. by binin a nw ida into th mix, o by poity chanin th diction o th conation. Aoid, Aoid, how how ,, th tmptation to initiat oip o pad p ad mo. mo. Yo want to b aociatd with poiti ida and i. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Onc yo’ bcom d to pain pain p with pop yo now and comotab with, widn yo cic. sha yo ida and iw with pop with whom yo comotab, phap yo pio o mana. Th’ Th ’ no h h; do thi thi at a pac that wo o yo. I yo’ on th ai id o th atin ca, p in mind that th y wod wod i “h “ha.” a.” Conation a i-and-ta i-and-ta ncont; tat yo iw withot tain o th aiwa o tyin to owhm oth iw. Dmontat ppot o thin that matt to yo, bt ao how an intt in th iw o oth and what matt to thm. lt oth “i”
and aow yo to ta. rit th tmptation to do a th tain. And whn oth ha th oo, itn with yo attntion.
Exercise 5-1 Breaking Out of Passivity
Are you are a passive, sta staying-in-the-backg ying-in-the-background round sort of person, even when people discuss workrelated matters that involve you? It’s time to move away from that position and assume some positive visibility. visibility. Start by imagining yourself doing what Action #1 advises. Imagine Imagine that you’re taking a coffee break with your supervisor and two co-workers. Your supervisor begins talking about a work matter that involves you directly. Describe one such work matter that involves you now:
As you sit at the table, and think back to the previous chapter, chapter, describe the posture and facial expression you would use to demonstrate interest and assertiveness as you listen to your supervisor talk:
Your supervisor has finished his or her remarks and is looking for a response from someone at the table. His or her eyes meet yours, as if to say, “What do you think about that?” You begin your verbal response. What facial, body, and hand movements would make your response visible and assertive?
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ac #2: pc ac M M Onc yo comotab pain p in a ma op, yo’ yo’ ady o th cond action tp, which i to ta pat in mtin wh yo pa to mo pop and wh mo i at ta. Yo Yo may tntati tntati and anxio abot thi at it, i t, pciay i yo’ yo’ d to hodin bac yo thoht and qity itnin to what oth ha to ay. Yo it attmpt at paticipatin may not com otTy th way yo bt, i i any i, a pac pactic tic wi ma thm btt. to doyo thintnd, oowin whn oppotniti to pa p at mtin pnt thm: yo ida din baintomin ion. ion. • exp yo “W cod ta saah’ ood ida a tp • Add to oth pop’ ida, ch a “W
th by . . . .” iw, aon with ppotin a• stat yo opinion o xp a contay iw, mnt, ch a “I dia. In act, w hod do jt th oppoit. And h’ why . . . .” want to b that I ndtand yo poition. • A qtion, ch a “I want Wod yo xpain how yo pan wi bnit o ctom?” On thin to aoid, thoh, i to impy imp y pat what omon ha aa aady dy aid. Pop iw that a a wat o tim. I yo’ on th ai id o th atin ca, yo may ha a habit o intptin oth din mtin, ot-hotin thm, tain o thi conation, o oth npaant bhaio. Yo now ha th too to b dict withot bin ht o d. Ty ot tho too and ob th pon. Yo may ind that now pop a mo wiin to itn to yo ida and na in diao, wha bo thy inty cod thi am, itd what yo had to ay, o pondd in om oth nati way. Ppaation, o co, co , wi i i thi action tp a tmndo tmndo boot, paticay i oth pop a in th habit o comin to mtin nppad. Ppaation wi ma yo mo comotab and conidnt; it wi ao i yo mo ammnition whn dicion bin. i Th mtin anda i yo bt too o ppaation. I th mtin ad han’t nt an anda o dicion topic, a o on. Thn, iw th topic and ppa p pa thoohy thoohy.. Doin o wi poid yo with th inomation that yo nd to pa with conidnc and an d to ppot yo iw. A ppad mtin paticipant pa ticipant ma a ood impion, pciay whn oth paticipant a impy “winin it.” Ati and ppad paticipation in mtin i an xcnt way way to ain poiti iibiity in yo oanization.
ac #3: D a a Yo ao ain poiti iibiity whn yo xp a w-aond contay iwpoint o an atnati co o action withot pttin oth down— in oth wod, whn yo dia aaby. Yo ha a iht to at yo iw on i that matt to yo. And yo hod aim to win—bt not by dtoyin o mocin pop who hod an oppoin iw. That’ what a-
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i pop otn do, and that bhaio otn ad to thi nta ndoin. Thin o how yo’d yo’d pond i omon aid, “That’ not iht and, thmo, it’ it’ a tpid ida.” Th w wod od b a ica action: yo mc wod tin, yo jaw wod tihtn, and yo hat at wod i. Yo’d ha a nati iw owith thataain.” pon and pobaby t yo, “Thi in’t a pon I’ do bin fan dicion o i i hathy and aab whi diaab amnt a not. Thy Thy poaiz pop an and d ndmin nitd ot. ot. Oanization a wa wand nd whn pop who hod b woin toth paat thm into hoti camp. H a xamp o tatmnt ta tmnt yo can to ma ma a diain tatmnt withot bin diaab: o) “I” tatmnt: “ray, “ray, I’m concnd abot a bot th a• u (bt don’t o)
n to in thi contact. Th bid m o-tat. XYZ ha a ptation o owbain timat and thn biin o cot o on. n. so, can w a to pt ot mo rfP?” “That’ an inttin ida. Wod Wod yo ao conid_____________?” • “That’ “I’d i to xp anoth iwpoint.” • “I’d “H’ anoth w way ay to oo at it.” • “H’ “lt’ ao xpo xpo th ip id.” • “lt’ “That’ on poibiity. poibiity. Anoth option wod b b to______________.” • “That’ “What i w ______ _____________ ______________ ______________ _____________ _____________ ___________?” ____?” • “What
expin diamnt can cat conict, which i why o many pop aoid tain i with thi bo o co-wo. co-wo. Conict Coni ct can b motiona, t, cat a contt that a pon cod o. o. Nth, acat ctain and o may conict i ncay i oanization (and indiida) aim to tay hap. Th o non-jdmnta and diain di ain tatmnt i th on yo’ yo’ jt ad can p conict at a hathy .
ac #4: b yu ow b Chm Chm Th oth action tp o ainin poiti iibiity i to b yo own bt champion. That man tandin p o yo and what matt to yo and not w not waitin o oth to pa p in yo bha. Thi action di di om o ommin aianc in pit o common oa o nitin th hp o oth to t a pojct don. en w whn hn yo ha ai, y yo o nd to tand p o yo whn th i i abot you abot you . Conid thi xamp:
Haod i pt that hi mana otiny ain th dpatmnt’ mot inttin and impotant pojct to a patica co-wo intad o to him. That co-wo co-wo ha xpinc and tim with th company than Haod. rath than conont hi bo, how, Haod piaty ha hi tation with hi cot ind in th dpatmnt. sinc w thin main piat in oanization, th mana ntay ha abot Haod’ compaint. “I thi matt o mch to Haod,” h won © American Management Management Association. All rights reserved. http://www.amanet.org/
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d, “why han’t h pon to m abot it?” Th mana bin to thin o Haod a wa, acin in conidnc, conid nc, n n nttwothy—hady tait that wi inpi h to i i him impo impotant tant How cod Haod haanhandd thipojct. matt in a mo ati mann? Haod cod ha qtd a mtin with th mana, din which h wod dcib hi concn. H cod ha pointd ot th ta h had bn pomin and thi t. H cod ha dcibd th a that hi i and xpinc contibt to th dpatmnt and company. company. eqay impotant, h cod ha mphaizd hi intt in tain on nw chan and at ponibiity. Iday, Haod wod ha ndd by ain, “I’m inttd in mo chanin ainmnt. What do I ha to do to t thm?” That ind o an ta wod pt th ba in th mana’ cot. sh wod ha to ith i him th n i nxt xt pm ainmnt o ha a y ood aon o not doin o. In any ca, h wod y thin o Haod dinty: a an ati ati pon with io intt and qimnt whom h hod ta mo ioy. ioy. Not that Haod didn’t mntion th co-wo who wa ttin a o th ood ainmnt. Intad, h tad abot hi own tnth and a. An ai pon, in contat, wod iy o him o h, compa hi o h i and a to th oth mpoy, mpoy, and cat npodcti tnion btwn him o h and th bo. Th’ a thin in btwn an appopiat and inappopiat inapp opiat way o bin yo o own wn bt champion. B ca not to co it.
t: o b F Th Midd Midd enih tm “an” i otn dind a bin othiht o thiht and opn in xpin on’ in o thoht. “Candid” i on o it ynonym. Thoh w han’t d th tm nti nti now now,, ann ann i a qa qaity ity w ind in ati ati pop. Whn ati pop thin that omon’
w ind in ati ati pop. Whn ati pop thin that omon bin nai (ay (ay,, in iin ot diab dia b ainmnt), thy t that pon. Whn an ati pio notic omon doin oppy wo, h won’t minc wod wod in cain cain attntion to th pobm: “Bi, thi thi wo in’t p to o tandad. What’ th pobm?” Many pop danc aond th tth whn conontin oth on diict i—aaid to ond o a o natin conict. Ati pop pa any and opny abot a bot what th thy y a a pobm. Thy Th y ay it a ot in th opn wh it can b anayzd an ayzd and di dicd cd objctiy. In thi way, thy contibt to oin th pobm. I yo want to b ati, tat bin opn and an with pop in th wopac.
ac #5: Hd Cmm wh gc gc What do yo do whn omon pay yo yo a compimnt? Do yo bh it aid, act mbaad and ay, “It’ nothin. Jami did mot o th wo.” o, “It wan’t a bi da.”? O wo, “W, I didn’t and th Aood accont. so, hod bac on th conatation.” Th ith action tp o ainin poiti iibiity i to hand compimnt with ac. ac. Ati pop now how to do thi; pai and ai ai AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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pop otn don’t. A pai pon may ndin (which o bac to th -tm i) o that to accpt a ccpt pai how a ac o hmiity hmiity.. O om oth conictd con ictd in t in th way, ay, ch a not andin th Aood accont. Th ai ai pon a compimnt a a om o -adancmnt, to th annoyanc o co-wo. co-wo. What’ th ati What’ a ti way way to po pond nd to a co compimnt? mpimnt? It’ ay y imi mp, yo oo th oth pon in th y, mi, and ay, “Than yo.” O mo i yo wih, ch a, “Than yo. I appciat yo tin m,” o “Than yo. It man a ot to m,” o “Than yo. It wa a chanin chan in po pojct jct and I’m pod o what w accompihd.” Whn in dobt, a imp “Than yo” wi do. Ai, Ai , non-ati non-ati pop, on th oth hand, nd to mmb th “ac” pat o compimnt accptanc. Thy Thy mt aoid accptin mo cdit than thy’ d, pttin anyon down, o citicizin th pon payin th compimnt. compi mnt. fo xamp: xamp: “Than “Than.. I it i t wn’t o m, w wodn’t wodn’t ha ottn thi thin o th ond,” o “Than. It wa i pin tth to t th tam nad, bt I manad to p it o,” o “Than. I thoht yo’d n notic.” Th a th typ o pon that wi bin yo down in
th tm o oth.
ac #6: l Cuc Ccm sf-imm ou
Th oth id o a compimnt i contcti citicim—with th mphai on constructive . Yo aady now how to i contcti dbac and how to d bac yo in to oth oth thoh objcti objcti, , poiti ana. Yo Yo hod now b ab to coniz contcti dbac whn yo’ on th ciin nd. Contcti citicim t yo now how yo miht impo yo attitd, bhaio, bhaio, pomanc, and o on. Th oa h i to bid yo p, not ta yo down. Dtcti Dtcti citicim, in contat, may ino ino a pona p ona attac (a “yo” tatmnt) o a manipation to ma yo ity o t yo to do omthin aaint yo wi. It’ impotant to ndtand th dinc btwn contcti and dtcti citicim and to b opn to accptin th om withot bcomin dni. Yo may ncomotab (at a it’ abot yo) and yo may xpinc a ica action, bt it oin into dnia o into a dni mod. Conid th oowin xamp: Th dpa dpatmnt tmnt mana wa wad d into h bodinat’ cbic and doppd a pot on hi h i d. “I’ cicd i i o in thi pot,” h ban. “eo i th thow o o accontin and dama th dpatmnt’ ptation. eo-pooin i a matt o oc and tim manamnt. so nxt tim, tat yo pot po t ai ai ,, oay? That way yo’ ha tim to dob-chc yo nmb and n thm by sio bo yo bmp th pot p to m.” Th bodinat wa initiay initi ay tn by hi hi mana’ wod. H’d wod a biin chd o o th pat w w w. T Th h had hit hi t th dpatmnt
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had and h had tan p th ac. sti, h nw that mntionin thi wod ond i main xc. xc. H pidd him on th qaity o hi wo, yt yt h had to admit that h hadn’t i in n th po pott th attntion it dd. so, h ad with hi hi mana’ “oc and tim mana manamnt” mnt” pciption. “Y, “Y, I cod mana my tim btt,” h admittd to him. him . Th ida o datin mo ddny occd to him. “I’ itd ttin oth with mo wo and ponibiity. Now i th tim to chan.” cha n.” Withot th mana’ mana’ contcti cont cti citicim, thi bodinat miht not ha bn ady to ma a chan—to impo. A an ati pon, yo
mt an to accpt acc pt (da w ay “wcom”) “wcom”) contcti citicim and it to impo pomanc.
ac #7: C D a p Many cc and podcti po dcti pop oow a imp maxim: Plan your work, then work your plan. Th nth action tp i to cat a daiy atin pan. entay, yo hod b pontanoy ati, bt at thi ta a daiy pan wi hp yo idntiy atin oppotniti at wo and in oth aa on yo i. A yo pactic y yo o i on a a bai (s exhibit 5-1), thy wi ow and bcom hathy habit. Bin with a, comotab itation in which to pactic a ati ti bhaio and chan yo comot incmntay. Pan ot yo atin ti n oppotniti th niht bo and do thi a on a yo ind thi xci x ci . Y Yo o wi pobaby poba by bacid om tim to tim. B wiin to oi yo whn yo do. A in ditin, “ain o th waon” wi not man ai if yo yo t bac on th poam th nxt day. Ao now that pop pop may not pond to yo nw atin in wa way y yo’d xpct—o i. I yo’ bn pai in yo ationhip, om pop may i th “od” yo btt. Thy may t yo o, n i that ht. At a, yo w th aab pon who pt qit, accommodatd, and bit yo ton. That That bhaio mad it ai o them them to to tand ot. rit th tmptation to t to yo od bhaio. I yo’ yo’ bn ai ai in th pat, pop may b cond abot yo nw bhaio. Thy may contin to wa iny aond yo, waitin o an xpctd otbt. otbt. It wi ta tim to ain ain th tt o oth, o b patint.
Exercise 5-2 Your Daily Dai ly Assertiveness Asser tiveness Plan Worksheet Worksheet 1. Mak Make e sev several eral cop copies ies of the wo workshee rksheett below below,, so that y you ou can fill it out on a dai daily ly basis. basis. 2. Identify y your our daily goals for each category, category, when applicab applicable. le. Do this the night bef before ore you go to work. 3. At the end of the da day y, e evaluate valuate y your our results. Remember tha thatt increasing your your assertiveness skills will take time. Be patient.
Exercise 5-2 continues on next page. AMACOM Self Study Program http://www.amaselfstudy.org/
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Exercise 5-2 continued from previous page.
Day
Daily Goal
Results
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
If you are not sure what to identify as a daily goal, consider the following examples: examples: Day
Daily Goal
Results
Monday
Ask agenda. Kiyoko for a meeting
Got it. That was easy!
Tuesday
Let Gary know that I’m mifffed ab mi about his his comme comment nt that that I nev neveer stay late. late.
Gary’s out of town. Try again next week.
Wednesday
Prepare to present my ideaas at the ide the week weekly ly sa sale les s meetinng. meeti
Went well. Got noticed. Preparation made the difffere di ference. nce.
Thursday
many man Speak y typ typos. with os.Helen about too come Had adown goodonchat. her Didn’ but she t knew I mean meantt busi busine nesss. Friday
Tell Fred to stop using my Chickened out! Will try office as a hangout. again next week.
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xhibit 5-1 Seven Action Steps toward Positive Visibility • • • • • • •
Speak up and share yo your ur views. Disagree ag agreeably reeably.. Participate act actively ively in meetings. Be your o own wn best cha champion mpion.. Handle compliments with gr grace. ace. Use constructive criticism as an opportunity ffor or self-improv self-improvement. ement. Create a daily assertiveness plan—and follow it!
ake respo esponsib nsibilit ility y For oUr t perF erForMa orManCe nCe at Work y
ey on o can point to tho whom w admi a ton and ati pop. O th indiida yo now, which o thi tait tand ot in yo mind? fain? Honty? Dciin? fann? Phap yo’ noticd omthin th pop ha in common: Thy ta ponibiity o thi action and wopac pomanc, both ood and bad. Thy don’t bam oth o ma xc xc o thi ap and ho hotcomin. tcomin. Thy Thy na in taiht ta, not pin. Thy don’t ty to ta cdit o th ood wo o oth. Pop admi thm o thi ati bhaio, n whn thy dia thi ppcti. Pidnt Hay Tman, o xamp, pctwith om both hi ppot and dtacto o hi tatmnt thatand “Th bc top h.” Tain ponibiity o yo own pomanc i an ntia tp towad bcomin mo ati ati. . Any tim yo th to bam oth oth o to ma xc xc o yo ai and hotcomin, ma a concio choic to ta ponibiity what yo’ yo’ don o aid to do. Th pain o doin thi i ma compad compa d to th to that adin ponibi ponibiity ity wi ta on yo tm, intity, ptation, and ca. Bca yon ma mita and occaionay a hot o oa, mot pop wi oi oi yo hotcomin— if if yo yo acnowd and ta ponibiity o thm. What thy won’t won’t
