Adam Lyons - Breaking Rapport
April 27, 2017 | Author: dfrecarey | Category: N/A
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TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction ................................................................................................................ 3 Chapter I: Why Break rapport? ................................................................5 Chapter 2: Break rapport - don’t sever it! ..................................10 Chapter 3: Verbal Breaks in Rapport .............................................15 Chapter 4: Physical Breaks in Rapport ..........................................23 Chapter 5: Negging, Teasing, and Bantering .......................32 Chapter 6: Disagreements ........................................................................37 Chapter 7: Disqualification .......................................................................49 Chapter 8: Sexual Escalation................................................................ 56 Conclusion ...............................................................................................................61 2
ADAM LYONS
INTRODUCTION
B
REAKING RAPPORT IS AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL TOOL AND ONE
that I think a lot of people don’t use correctly. One of the main reasons that men have trouble when it comes to attracting women, or one of the reasons that people end up getting stuck in the ōIULHQG ]RQHŎ LV VSHFLŹFDOO\ EHFDXVH WKH\ GRQŎW GR DQ\WKLQJ WR VHW themselves apart from what is just a casual friendship. The people you think of as real friends, you usually play around with. You joke with them, wind them up, and tease them. You’re not afraid to point out their mistakes, or failures, and that almost strengthens the friendship. The fact that you’re capable of having a discussion with them, and tell them things that might be a little bit awkward, is what’s making you a true friend. Somebody they really feel a connection with. People whom you worry about speaking to, like your boss or BREAKING RAPPORT
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INTRODUCTION maybe somebody who’s a friend of a friend, end up being people that you talk to, but nothing beyond that ever happens. So, you could say there are two types of friendships, yet one friendship is definitely, distinctively different from the other. Ironically, a lot of people are very worried about getting trapped in that friend zone. They’re like, “I don’t wanna be in the friend zone. I don’t want anyone to think of me as just a friend.” The truth is, when you actually do meet a partner, when you actually do date someone, you do think of them as a friend, only they’re a friend plus. There’s nothing wrong with getting into that friend zone, provided you know how to get out of it. Provided you know how to take it to that plus. Push it to that extra level so that you’re friends plus, and you have an intimate relationship on top of that. The thing that’s going to separate those two is doing something to set yourself apart from just a casual person in their life. That something is breaking rapport, which is what you’ll learn to do in this book. Breaking rapport isn’t so much about a concept to understand. It’s more about actually doing something and making it happen. If you’re somebody who doesn’t know how to do it, this is exactly the book for you because we have so many examples to take you through it. 4
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CHAPTER I WHY BREAK RAPPORT?
W
HY SHOULD WE BOTHER DOING BREAKS IN RAPPORT?
:KDWŎVWKHZKROHSRLQWEHKLQGLW"$UHWKHUHDQ\EHQHŹWV IURPGRLQJWKLV"$FWXDOO\WKHUHDUHDORWRIEHQHŹWVIURP doing this. Psychologists have discovered many times that humor is one of the prime triggers of attraction. In fact, The Journal of Psychology did a study in 2009 and published the results of it (McGee, & Shevlin, 2009). It said that humor is one of the main triggers of attraction. Time and time again, if you look at all the different studies from different psy- chologists, you’ll see that the humor factor is right up there as one of the number one things that triggers attraction. So when we’re talking about breaking rapport, we’re talking about being funny in a manner of speaking. Some people just aren’t born as stand-up comics. They’re just not comedians and they don’t know how to be funny and that’s okay. That’s why we have breaking rapport. Telling a joke is really just one form BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 1 of breaking rapport. This book is really designed for people that don’t know how to tell jokes, or know how to deliver them correctly and instead, need another way to generate humor. I’m going to take you through all of the different techniques and the possible ways to break rapport. You can then use that to generate humor to get some kind of emotional response from the other person, and really get them involved in that conversation. Thus investing in you. What’s very important to realize about this is that not all breaks in rapport are designed just to trigger humor. Some of them are designed to generate other types of emotional investments. You might see some that are going to generate passion, where the other person is going to become incredibly involved in the conversation, even if it doesn’t look like they’re enjoying it much. In an initial interaction we tend to start building something known as comfort. Comfort is essentially trust and rapport. Trust that the other person is not going to do anything mean to you. Rapport being that connection between the two of you, usually built on some kind of commonality that the two of you share.
McGee, E., & Shevlin, M. (2009). Effect of humor on interpersonal attraction and mate selection. The Journal of Psychology, 1(143), 67-77.
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WHY BREAK RAPPORT? When we’re breaking rapport, we’re seeking to ruin those commonalities and break it up a bit. Make it so that the commonalities that you think are there, aren’t completely there. Fundamentally, you’re both individual people with alternate views on certain topics. You don’t always see eye to eye. This is the key reason for breaking rapport. 1. DON’T BE A ‘YES-MAN’ If you’re constantly seeing eye to eye with somebody, you could be mistaken for being somebody who’s just a follower. Somebody who’s a ‘yes-man’. You’re just agreeing with what the other If you’re constantly person says, and you don’t have seeing eye to an opinion of your own because eye with the other you think the other person is so person, you could important that you’re just going to be mistaken for agree with them. somebody who’s just a follower, Once y ou’re d oing t hat, t he o ther a ‘yes-man’. person’s not going to view you as an asset to their life. They’re just going to view you as a shadow. Someone who just follows them, and does whatever they want. Without that challenge, there’s nothing for them to push back against, and there’s no desire for them to push themselves. They’re instead going BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 1 to move towards more challenging relationships. People that are actually engaging with them, making them doubt themselves, and ultimately helping them improve. This is of course is where you want to be. This is why breaking rapport is so powerful. Often you’ll find celebrities are a great example of this. When people meet a celebrity, they’ll try and suck up to them, saying, “Oh, you were brilliant in this, you were brilliant in that!” While that’s nice and the celebrity will be pleasant towards you, it won’t cause much attraction between the two of you because you’re just the same as every other person that’s come up and said that. However, if you meet a celebrity and show them that you can challenge them a bit, make a bit of fun at them (in a way that doesn’t upset them), what you may find is that you build a stronger connection with that person. I’ve definitely found that whenever I meet people that are incredibly important or very successful in their life, the friendships are definitely built on the fact that I’m not afraid to wind them up, make fun of them, or joke with them. This proves that we’re on the same level, rather than constantly trying to suck up to them. When we’re breaking rapport, we’re looking to ruin a little bit of that comfort and make it so that we’re on equal playing fields. Not just sucking up to them. I’ve got my own opinion and I’m not afraid to put that across. 8
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WHY BREAK RAPPORT? TRIGGER INVESTMENT One o f t he m ost p owerful t echniques to s tart t riggering i nvestment is breaking rapport. If you’ve seen all my other programs, you’ll know t hat i nvestment i s t he g oal. I t’s w hat you’re l ooking to d o. T he concept being that if you can build investment with somebody, you’re also building attraction. The harder somebody’s working to get you, the more attracted to you they’re going to be. That’s what we’re looking for. We’re looking for that investment. We’re looking for: Will they care enough to give us some kind of feedback? Will they care enough to jump on board and tell us about themselves to correct our opinion? Will they jump on board and laugh about what we’re saying? Breaking rapport is that first step that’s going to trigger that investment. That very first moment where you’ve stopped having to put in all the effort, and the other person is putting in a little bit of effort themselves.
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CHAPTER 2 BREAK RAPPORT - DON’T SEVER IT!
A
WORD OF WARNING BEFORE WE GO MORE INTO DEPTH . I’ D
like to point out the difference between breaking rapport and severing rapport. This is one of the biggest mistakes and prob- ably the number one thing to look out for when you’re putting these VNLOOVLQWRXVHLQWKHŹHOG Severing rapport is when you completely ruin the connection between the two of you. Imagine that initial connection, that initial comfort as being a very fragile thing. Something you’ve built up throughout only two, three, or maybe even five minutes’ time. It’s not a very strong construct. You do have some kind of comfort, you do have some commonalities. However, they’re not really built on anything substantial, and they can be destroyed just as easily as they were built. The easiest way to make sure that you don’t destroy them is to ensure that the breaks are so small initially, that you don’t push them too far. 10
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BREAK RAPPORT - DON’T SEVER IT! When you sever rapport, you’ve essentially wound them up too much. You’ve teased or disagreed with them too much, and you’ve ruined all the comfort you’ve built, so that they don’t really feel there’s that much of a connection. They may feel they misjudged you initially when they thought you were really friendly and you guys had a real connection. Now they’re thinking, “Oh, I think I’ve misjudged this person. I don’t really like them. I’m not really getting on with them.” That’s because you’ve severed rapport, rather than breaking it. Rather than just listening to something amazing and saying, “Wow, that’s an awesome breaking rapport technique!” then running out in the field and testing it on somebody, take the time to think of using one of the smaller ones. One that isn’t so big or grandiose. Maybe one of the handshakes (which I’ll explain later on). Something that’s small that tests things first. You can always think of it like building up a compliance ladder. If you start with a very small break in rapport and you find that it’s received very well and they’re very receptive to it, then go for a bit of a bigger break in rapport. The idea is that you’re constantly expanding that each time. What I tend to do is start very s mall a nd s lowly g row i t o ut. T hen, a s I f eel m ore comfortable in using the techniques and talking to people, I will stop using the small ones and start with the bigger ones. This of course speeds up the whole interaction. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 2 If you find that your breaking rapport is getting bad reactions, then you’re probably severing rapport. At that point, it might be time to start with the smaller ones and slowly work up into it. How do you know if you’ve broken rapport correctly? How can you tell if you’ve done the technique right? What exactly are you looking for? What you should be looking for is somebody laughing or giggling. Somebody having f un w ith you, a nd s omebody What you should investing back into you. be looking for is somebody laughing, or giggling. Somebody having fun with you, and investing back in you.
If you’ve ever heard about just how powerful it is to make somebody laugh or if you’ve heard a girl say, “I have to have a guy that can make me laugh”, breaking rapport is what’s going to be doing that. It’s the technique that makes the other person laugh for the first time. It gets them to put in a little bit of emotional investment and you know that “Okay, this is somebody that is willing to invest in me.” If you try one of the techniques and you find that they don’t laugh or join in with it, then all it means is you don’t have enough comfort. I t could a lso m ean t hat you d elivered i t w rong. H opefully reading this book will help you realize the correct way to deliver it, and reduce a lot of that from your game. 12
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BREAK RAPPORT - DON’T SEVER IT! If you think about my formula of attraction, it works as: (C – R) + Q + SE C = Comfort R = Breaking Rapport Q = Qualification SE = Sexual Escalation The reason that C-R sits in brackets is to let you know that you consistently do these two things. You build comfort, and break rapport. You’ll constantly be doing this until you start to see the signs of investment. There have been may times when I’ve been talking to somebody to build up a good bit of comfort, thrown out a break in rapport, and it’s just not got the reaction I wanted. The person isn’t particularly happy or they don’t respond. Instead, I’ll just build more comfort, and then break rapport again. To sum up: You know you’ve built enough comfort when you do that break in rapport and other person responds. Maybe with laughter, teasing, or even better – the one thing that lets you know you’ve got it 100% right - is if they hit you. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 2 Now, I’m not talking about a big slap on the face. Just a little push or nudge. Then you know the break in rapport wasn’t just good, but that it really hit home. That’s the moment that you know you’ve done it correctly, and everything is going according to plan. You’re dealing with somebody who is willing to invest in you. Then your options are either to continue to build that investment while continuing to build comfort/break rapport, or maybe move things on to the next stage. Start to test and use your qualification techniques to really get to know the person.
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CHAPTER 3 VERBAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT
T
HERE ARE SIX MAIN WAYS TO BREAK RAPPORT. YOU MAY HAVE
heard of these different techniques on their own. They’re called banter, teasing, or negging and they all trigger the same result. They give that emotional reward of investment. We use “breaking rap- port” as an umbrella term to cover all of the different techniques be- cause essentially, each of the techniques does the same thing – they WULJJHUWKDWLQLWLDOVSDUNRIDWWUDFWLRQ7KHŹUVWRQHLVVerbal Techniques. Verbal techniques are great because you don’t have to be funny, witty, or super smart. All you have to do is remember a simple set of words or games. Something that’s going to get the other person thinking. Remember, the whole aim throughout breaking rapport is to get the person to start investing, and there’s no better way of doing that than by giving someone a riddle or a puzzle. Imagine that BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 3 up until now you’ve just been building that comfort. You’ve got that connection where the two of you are talking. Everything’s going great, but again, you might be carrying the weight of the conversation and you want to shift it the other way. By g etting s omebody to take p art i n a p uzzle, r iddle, b rainteaser, or any other kind of verbal breaking rapport, you’re essentially pausing the conversation. You are putting all the pressure on the other person by having them constantly try and guess the different ways to solve the puzzle. What’s great about these is you can find them by simply jumping on the computer and doing a quick search for brainteasers, puzzle games or Mensa games. There are all sorts of different names for them, and of course, feel free to use any of my techniques as well. A very good example is this sequence of letters: O – T – T – F – F –S – S – E. You ask somebody to work out which letter comes next in that sequence. A lot of people are going to try to think about it. They might say E comes next because you’ve got to have two of them and you say “Nope”. Essentially w hat you’ll b e d oing i s g iving t hem y es o r n o r esponses until they can solve the problem and work it out themselves. The idea is that you keep them going through it and they will continue investing. They’re going to keep talking to you and 16
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VERBAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT constantly keep trying to solve it. The pressure’s all on them.
The same technique can be reacted to in two completely different ways so you do have to calibrate it and make sure you’re using the right one for the right person.
With verbal breaks in rapport with these kinds of puzzles, it’s very important that you monitor their enjoyment. If the person isn’t enjoying this puzzle, then obviously this break has come a bit too early. You don’t have enough comfort, they’re not willing to play it, so at that point you might have to go back to building up comfort. Forget the game, try again and go back to it later on. You’ve also got to understand that for some people, a verbal break in rapport is a lot bigger than for others. If somebody’s naturally mentally inclined, they’re going to find this great fun and an awesome challenge. If somebody doesn’t like using their brain in that way, you’re going to make them feel really uncomfortable because you’ve pushed them outside of their comfort zone. Oh and by the way, the solution to that one: N is the next letter in the sequence. If you break it down it’s very simple. Each one is the first letter of numbers in a basic 1 to 9 situation. O is 1 BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 3 (One), the two Ts are 2 (Two) and 3 (Three), then you got 4 (Four), 5 (Five), 6 (Six), 7 (Seven), 8 (Eight) and 9 is of course N(ine). What’s great is that you can just complete the sequence in front of them if they haven’t solved it yet and it’ll drive them mad. Especially when you get to the 20’s, 21, 22,… it’s just a sequence of Ts. Again, it’s great fun because you know something they don’t and that gives you power in the conversation. It shows that you have a level of knowledge they don’t possess. Make sure to watch the “Verbal – demo” chapter of the Breaking Rapport DVD to see me have an interaction with one of my friends using a number of different verbal techniques - see how she r eacts a nd a dd t hem to your r epertoire o f tools. I r ecommend you watch the video because I take you through a lot of different techniques, and show how they work. That way you can get an idea of not only the best way to deliver them, but also what some of the reactions might look like if you do it correctly. The whole concept behind verbal breaks in rapport are the things you say. Funny, witty games and the whole idea behind them is to try to get the other person to say something a little bit stupid and make them look dumb – that’s the whole aim. And then hopefully, they’re the kind of person that can laugh at how dumb they are. 18
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VERBAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT Here’s a sample conversation from the DVD that actually took place between me and a friend. Adam: Hey, can you complete t his s entence? I f you d on’t have the least, you have… Girl:
More?
Adam: Almost;; that’s good. You could have more or you could also have like the... Girl:
Most?
Adam: Yes. Yes, good, awesome. If you don’t have the least, you have the most. Girl:
I had a long weekend.
Adam: Exactly, nothing wrong. If you don’t have the least, you have the most. And you’re going to get half these things wrong so don’t feel bad, it is going to happen. Okay, if you live by the shore, you also live by the… Girl:
North?
Adam: You’re like on a beach? It rhymes with ‘most’ near the sea. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 3 Girl:
Coast?
Adam: Yes! So if you don’t have the least, you have the… Girl:
Most.
Adam: And if you live by the shore you’re on the… Girl:
Coast?
Adam: That’s perfect. And what do you put in the toaster? Girl:
Toast.
Adam: Bread. Girl:
(Laughs loudly)
The whole trick about those two and the reason they work is you get someone lulled into saying a certain pattern of words The idea here is that once you’ve been saying those words over and over again, they get used to saying words that rhyme with it. You make an association between a toaster and toast, which is why you say it rather than bread. Here’s another one: Adam: Okay, ready for this one? What you’re going to do is say ‘silk’ five times. 20
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VERBAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT Girl:
Silk, silk, silk, silk, silk.
Adam: That’s pretty good. What do cows drink? Girl:
Milk.
Adam: Not milk, water. Girl:
(Laughs)
The whole idea behind these verbal games is they’re little tricks you can play on someone to get them to sort of think, “What do you…I don’t get it!” and they start laughing because they can laugh at themselves. You learn that the other person is someone who can take a joke, and they learn that you’re somebody who’s capable of making fun of them. You’re not just putting them up on a pedestal thinking they’re the coolest person in the world. Here’s another good one: Adam: Alright, next up, this is a tough one. You’re a bus driver. You go to one bus station and you’ve got seven people on your bus. Got that so far? Girl:
Seven people on the bus.
Adam: You go to another bus stop and three more people get on the bus, okay? You go to another bus stop, four more people get on the bus. You BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 3 go to another bus stop, one person gets on and five people get off. Girl:
(Laughs)
Adam: You with it? Here’s another bus stop. Four people get on the bus. Go to another bus stop, two people get on and one person gets off… how many bus stops did it go to? Girl:
(Laughs) Four?
These are really powerful techniques that build up that verbal break in rapport. What’s beautiful about that is that you don’t have to use just those examples. There are a lot of examples on my website that you can get hold of, but there are even more you can get by jumping onto Google or whatever search engine you prefer and start hunting for brain teasers. You can find so many different ones. Test them out and use them yourself.
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CHAPTER 4 PHYSICAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT
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OMETIMES, HOWEVER, VERBAL JUST DOESN’T WORK.
MAYBE
you’re in a venue that’s too loud. Maybe the music is overpow- ering. Maybe you’re trying to communicate with somebody who doesn’t speak English, so they don’t understand it. You could even be dealing with somebody who just doesn’t understand the games. They may be just a little too advanced for them, so they don’t react well, and they don’t give you the feedback that you need. Maybe they just can’t comprehend and understand the games in order to play them. Yet you’re very attracted to the person and you still want to build up attraction. That’s where non-verbal breaks in rapport come in. Physical breaks in rapport. What’s great about these is that you don’t necessarily have to understand how to communicate with somebody verbally but you can still have that effect. You can still make them laugh. What’s even better about the physical BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 4 ones is it’s a great excuse to touch somebody. You can build up that interaction from a purely physical basis and start taking things a little bit sexual from a physical point of view. It’s an awesome excuse to start touching somebody and make them laugh. If you do make somebody laugh, they’re even more likely to touch back because you’ve been touching them. You’ve got a justified reason to continue to touch them because you’re playing some kind of game, and you’ve got a good chance of receiving reciprocated touch because the other person feels the need to touch you back and build that up. What you’re getting there is a good level of compliance, which is a very good sign that you’re getting that investment and getting the other person to start building things back with you. I personally believe that throughout an entire interaction you should be touching. Using a physical break in rapport is a really good way of testing that initially, and making sure that it’s going to be okay to go further. If somebody’s very uncomfortable with the physical break in rapport, then once again you know you haven’t built up enough comfort to get away with touching them in that way. What’s beautiful about that is again we return to comfort. We go back to not touching, or just some simple touching. Maybe 24
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PHYSICAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT to the side of the arm, or to the shoulder to keep things more comfortable. Then again we’re going to move it up and try another break in rapport. What you can also find is if you do a verbal break in rapport and it’s not going so well, we can then move onto a physical break in rapport and vice versa. If you find that you’re dealing with somebody who’s a bit of an intellectual, but they’re not particularly responsive to the physical breaks in rapport, you can go back to using one of the verbal breaks in rapport that you just saw earlier. Test that and see how that works. I often find that a lot of guys that are quite natural will tend to move towards the physical breaks in rapport. They make things more fun and flirtatious from a physical point of view because again, it’s a very natural way for them to build up that sexual chemistry very early on. One very simple classic one that you’ve probably seen people do is extend your hand to shake theirs, and as they go to grab it you can say “Oh!” and retract your hand and leave them hanging. That’s going to get really annoying, but that doesn’t matter. Hopefully they’re going to want to get you back straight away, and they might grab you or hit you or something along those lines. What’s good about these is I often find that physical breaks BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 4 in rapport create a way to start conversations if you want to bypass that early comfort stage and jump straight into breaking rapport and see what happens. To make sure that you’re guaranteed an interaction as well, start at comfort then move into breaking rapport. Then you can qualify and get sexual. However, there’s no reason why you can’t attempt to speed things up. On the occasion when I am looking to speed things up and test to see if I can make something go faster, I accept there’s a higher risk. There’s more of a chance it might not work, but when it does, I’ve just saved a lot of time and moved things the way I want to go. The physical break in rapport may be the way that I go to open. If I see somebody from the other side of the room, I can put my hand on my nose and wave at them that way in a teasing manner, just like when you were a little kid in school. WHATEVER, LOSER! Something else that I often do is I point at somebody, and if they point back, make a sort of L-shape with my thumb and index finger and put it on my forehand to indicate “loser.” This often gets great reactions. They usually do that straight back at me 26
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PHYSICAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT and I give them a sort of ‘whatever’ by making a W by making an L-shape with my left hand and right hand and putting them together. This fun, physical break in rapport game going back and forth with us has allowed us to jump straight into breaking rapport. It works incredibly well because if they think it’s fun and engaging, then they will join in with you. The only problem is that if you do open with a break in rapport, don’t be surprised if every so often it goes really badly. After all, if somebody’s had a terrible day and you call them a loser from the other side of the room, they will most likely be upset. So you’ve got to understand that when you take that risk, there’s a chance that the other person may not be happy about it if you use an opener. THE BEAR HUG So with that word of warning, this next physical break in rapport is one of my personal favorites. This is one that you often find really big, dominant, aggressive guys using, and it’s the bear hug attack. If you see a girl that you haven’t seen for ages, you say, “Hey, good to see you!” and give them a big hug. Often if you’re standing up, you’ll pick up the girl and you’ll swing her around. Little girls tend to get annoyed with this. If the girl’s quite short, sometimes they don’t like it because everyone picks them up, but tall girls love it.
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CHAPTER 4 THE NOSE FLICK This is another one I favor. I’ll often use this as an opening line. I don’t suggest you do this if you’re a beginner because it can go terribly wrong. Some of the hazards of it are that a girl might think you’re grabbing her breasts, or that you’re being rude and inappropriate. I suggest you only use this if you’ve got a good sense the girl really likes you. Maybe she’s giving you a forced sign of attraction, or smiling at you as you’re moving up to her. Basically, you point to the girl’s chest and when she looks down at it, you bring your finger up and flick her nose. See, it’s so powerful. I’ve used it as an opening line, but even in the conversation. Especially if it’s serious conversation and she says something like, “What am I gonna do about my job?” and you reply, “Yeah… oh by the way, there’s something on your chest.” THE PUSH Another one is the playful push away. When you’re pushing someone away, you have to do it very carefully. There’s a good way of doing it and a bad way of doing it. One of the worst ways to push someone away is to actually push them away. When you push someone away the whole concept is to push yourself away from them. That’s the whole idea. You’re pushing yourself because girls are fragile and little. They’re in high heels. 28
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PHYSICAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT Imagine you’re balancing on two little sticks and then someone pushed you. A lot of guys get that wrong, and nobody enjoys that. THE BUTT GRAB Another one of my favorites has got to do with butts. The high five to the butt smack. Go to high five the girl… and you miss and grab her butt. That’s great way of doing a fake high five to the butt. Often the girl reacts badly and says “(Gasp)! I can’t believe you just did that!” At which point just offer your butt and say, “You can get me back, it’s okay.” This is what you want. The whole idea is to be playful and fun with it. You don’t really want to upset people. It’s not the real concept behind this. THE AUSTIN HANDSHAKES These are some more of my favorites. There are a lot of fun handshakes. I’m pretty sure these originated in Austin, Texas. I can’t confirm that, but every time I hang out in Austin, everyone seems to know a lot more of these handshakes. There’s a big thing going round Austin at the moment with all these different handshakes – the snail, the turkey, Thanksgiving, the salmon, etc. Make sure to watch them all in the “Physical – demo” chapter of your Breaking Rapport DVD for some hilarious handshakes. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 4 GRABBING BOOBS The next two are very advanced. The reason that I’m making a point to note this is that these are the ones that come with big warnings like ‘Use at your own risk’. I’m telling you now, long before I explain these techniques, that if used incorrectly can end up with you getting into a lot of very serious trouble. You should r eally o nly u se t hese t echniques i f a) you’re v ery confident with the other person and you know you can get away with it or b) you’ve been doing it for a very long time so you can calibrate carefully in order to get yourself out of it if something goes wrong. If you do decide to take the next two techniques, you are using them completely at your own risk. You have been warned. These are the boob grabs. There are a number of different ways to go about grabbing somebody’s breasts and getting away with it. You can do it in a very normal way, but of course in this section, we’re talking about breaks in rapport, so we’re going to look at the funnier ways of doing it. The one that I personally like, is where you have a mock fight with somebody. You push them, and you get them to push you back. The whole point is that you want to get them to push your chest. She’ll say, “Stop that!” And when they do that, you’re say, “No! That’s not how you grab someone’s breasts. If you’re going to 30
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PHYSICAL BREAKS IN RAPPORT grab someone’s breasts it’s like a cupping motion, see? It’s more like this...” That’s one simple way that you can get away with it. The second one I actually did at school when I was a kid. It works remarkably well. You get a dollar and you say to them, “I bet you a dollar that I can make your breasts move without touching them. All you have to do is put your hands up in the air above your head.” Then you grab her boobs and say, “I was wrong, you can keep the dollar.” You do lose a dollar, though J As you can see, physical breaks in rapport are a lot of fun. You can get some really great responses from people, and really enjoy it. I genuinely enjoy doing physical breaks in rapport. They’re a lot of fun. It’s something I do even with friends and people you’re having a sexual interaction with, because it builds a stronger bond between the two of you. It’s also a great way of bridging that gap between friends and a real connection. It really does build that connection up. And definitely make sure to watch all the different techniques in the “Physical – demo” chapter of your Breaking Rapport DVD.
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CHAPTER 5 NEGGING, TEASING, AND BANTERING
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N THIS SECTION ON BREAKING RAPPORT, WE’RE GOING TO BE LOOK-
ing at the different types of negging, teasing, and bantering. What you’re seeking to do in this one is pick on the other person. You’re looking to be mean, but in a playful way. The whole point here isn’t to upset the other person. If you upset them, then you’ve really done this wrong. The whole idea is to pick on them like you would a close friend. For instance, “You look terrible”, and other similar comments, are too harsh. What you want to do is something that you can get away with, with your friends. Something that isn’t too far out there. The key to it is giving a compliment as part of it. So you’ll say, “I love your makeup;; it’s really good. Your makeup, your hair, your jewelry. It’s like Lady Gaga threw up on you.” Any time you can, 32
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NEGGING, TEASING, AND BANTERING give a compliment with an insult. “Like a good throwing up, you know?” Another one that works great is any reference like Ke$ha, or other similar pop stars. NICKNAMES One of the other ones I really like is bad nicknames. Especially if you can hit them home. It can be like, “Hey Freckles, what’s up?” Or, If the girl’s tall, you can call her Shorty. Because she isn’t short, she won’t take it as an insult. Any time you can, come up with some kind of joke or nickname. Something t hat’s a musing, b ut i sn’t g oing to u pset t hem too m uch. It can be very easy to take a nickname and make it harmful, and that’s NOT the idea here. It’s for them to enjoy, and know that it’s joking. Another one that’s great is when you get someone’s name wrong on purpose. It’s obvious that you’re doing it. Any of those sorts of things work very well. REPEAT WHAT SHE SAID Our next one is where you repeat what someone says in a BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 5 silly, girly voice. This one gets really annoying. Again, the key to breaking rapport is that you’re not always trying to make the other person laugh, but you’re making it clear that you’re not a pushover. You’re not some Warning: If you can average guy that’s going to do see that you’re whatever she wants and let her receiving a bad walk all over you. Making fun of reaction from somebody and repeating what something, move they’re saying in a funny way is away from it and annoying, but effective. You can use a different only do this for a certain amount break in rapport. of time before the girl really does get annoyed. CALLING OUT MISTAKES Another great one is calling out somebody’s mistakes. If you see somebody walking down the road and they trip up over themselves and you could say, “Oh! Buckle!” Or, if somebody’s yawning you can say, “Wow, you’re not having much fun, huh?” FLOATING BOOBS This is one of my favorite ones based on a real conversation: Adam: You know what? You’ve got pretty nice breasts. 34
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NEGGING, TEASING, AND BANTERING Girl:
Oh, thank you.
Adam: Something I’ve always wondered is, do they help with swimming? Are they buoyant? Girl:
Do they float?
Adam: Yeah, do they float? Girl:
Only the fake ones float.
Adam: But do yours float? This is the question. Girl:
What do you think? (Laughs)
Adam: I think they float. I’m just gonna throw it out there, they look like they’ d float. Girl:
If a ship was going down, I would suggest you grab onto my body.
Adam: Perfect. So if a ship‘s going down, I’m just gonna be like… help! And grab onto you. Girl:
And then you’ d probably survive.
Adam: Done. Anytime I go on a cruise, you’re the person coming with me. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 5 As you can see, the idea of negging, teasing, and banter, is to get the other person to joke and interact with you. Remember, you might not necessarily get away with these in a bar or a public place, so you do need to calibrate these. Calibrate simply means you start small and use simple teases initially, and see how they react. If they react very well, keep it going. If they don’t, ease back a bit and don’t push it too far. You could always use one of the other techniques.
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CHAPTER 6 DISAGREEMENTS
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HE NEXT ONES WE’RE GOING TO BE LOOKING AT ARE DISAGREE-
ments. Disagreements are very different to arguments. An argu- ment is where the two of you get very heated and passionate. You’ve both got your opinion, and you’re trying to put it across to the other person to prove that you’re right. That’s never any good and cre- ates a very negative situation. In fact, it creates a situation where the other person really doesn’t want to have an interaction with you. They’ll move off and have one they actually enjoy. A disagreement is more like a challenge. You’re getting the other person to rethink their point, or elaborate a bit better. If I ask somebody what their favorite food in the world is, they might suddenly reply that they like McDonald’s. That’s not a great answer. It’s not very in-depth. I’m not getting investment or an emotional response, which is what I really want.
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CHAPTER 6 If I say, “Wait, doesn’t McDonald’s make you fat?” I’ve disagreed with it. They’ve said that they enjoy it and I’ve challenged them on it. I’m getting them to push back against me, so they defend their original position. If they say, “No, it’s amazing! Even if it makes you fat, it doesn’t matter. I enjoy it. I don’t eat it that often. It’s all about moderation.” Whatever they’re going to come back with is a much deeper response. You’ll get a lot more emotional investment from them, and that’s what I’m looking for. I’m looking for them to come back and give me a little more investment, so I know that I’ve built up enough of a connection. Remember, if they don’t really care about you, or interested in you, the minute you challenge them they may come back with, “Well that’s your opinion, I don’t really care about it,” and they’d move off. If you’re getting that kind of response, and they’re bothering to take the time to disagree with you, then you know you’ve done it correctly. However, once they give that point, you need to accept it. If you don’t accept it, and make them push harder and you never give, then you’ve moved into that argument territory. That’s exactly where you don’t want to be. At that point, you’re dealing with something they really care about, and you’re making it clear that you don’t like it. That can create a sore spot in the conversation, and constantly fighting against each other is never going to work. 38
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DISAGREEMENTS At the end of the day, you’ve got to work out whether it’s more important to you that you win the argument about McDonald’s being unhealthy, or that you generate attraction with the other person. In most instances that I’m in, I’m happy not to put across my personal v iew a bout M cDonald’s a nd i nstead b uild u p a ttraction. Afterward, If I want to have a real debate with somebody, I’ll go and have a real debate with somebody. If I’m looking to meet somebody and possibly start dating them, we can have a McDonald’s conversation 6 months down the line. I don’t need to have it right when we first meet. Having a s mall d ebate a t t he b eginning w ill b uild u p d isagreement and get the other person to start giving me information. More importantly, it will prove to me that they’re willing to give the information. That they care about me enough to bother to put their point across is what I’m really looking for. So, that’s the technique when you’re looking to agree with somebody. You can disagree with somebody about absolutely everything. Remember, i t’s n ot your o pinion n ecessarily;; you’re j ust c hallenging their opinion. You’re not just putting across, it’s more about getting their opinion. If I say, “What’s your favorite food?” and they say, “I like McDonald’s.” You shouldn’t reply with “Well, I think Burger King is so much better and this is why…” That’s not a BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 6 disagreement. In that situation, I’m literally just arguing with them. I’m talking about things I want to talk about, and I’ve changed the conversation. You want to keep it on the original conversation and challenge them. Disagree with them on that point and say something like, “Really? McDonald’s is your favorite food? I don’t believe it. Why would McDonald’s be your favorite food?” That’s usually enough to get them to explain it to you, and that’s really what you’re looking for.
Remember: you’re not going to see these happy, laughing responses that you typically get with the verbal and physical breaks in rapport because they’re more like games. In this situation, you’re looking for that deep emotional response where the person is going to fight back and put her point across. At the point, you know you’ve done it correctly.
SPORTS Here’s a live disagreement I had with a girl that you can see in the “Disagreement – demo” chapter of the Breaking Rapport DVD: 40
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DISAGREEMENTS Adam: What’s your favorite sport? Do you have a favorite sport? Girl:
College football.
Adam: College football. Which team do you support? Girl:
Alabama.
Adam: Don’t you like your own Texas? Girl:
Texas is terrible. The only reason Texas does well is they all have a lot of political pull and they have money. Really, Alabama football’s better.
Adam: Didn’t Texas destroy Alabama in the last game? Girl:
No.
Adam: Did Alabama win? Girl:
Alabama wins every game.
Adam: So basically you’re supporting the people that win and you’re not sticking for the people where you’re from. Girl:
No. If the people where I’m from were good
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CHAPTER 6 then I’ d support them. Here’s my deal. If Texas plays any other school, of course I’m gonna go for Texas because I’m from Texas. My ex is from Alabama and he got me into Alabama football, and actually Alabama is a better team than Texas. So, of course I’m going to go for Alabama over Texas, because they’re the better team. Adam: You’re not really a fan. You’re just supporting winners. Girl:
No, I really am an Alabama fan but…
Adam: Obama fan? Isn’t he the president? Girl:
Come on, asshole. I’m really an Alabama fan, but because they really are a bad-ass team. They won two years in a row. And you know, I never knew until I dated this guy, but do you think that Texas football… well, you don’t know because you’re English, but Texas football growing up is supposed to be the shit…
Adam: Texas football’s awesome! Girl: 42
Yeah, until you go to a place like Luverne, ADAM LYONS
DISAGREEMENTS Alabama where there’s two streets and you either have to join the military, play football or be a drug dealer. Those are your only three options. So Alabama football is way more hardcore. Adam: Texas, you’ve got to support Texas. Look at TCU, they’re moving up now. Girl:
No, because I was at the Texas game and Texas sucked. They were losing to UCLA and I was like, Ugh! It was so embarrassing.
Adam: Forget Alabama, dude. It’s TCU. Girl:
They suck. They just have too much money. TCU has a lot of money too, but they’re obviously a better team.
The whole point of disagreement is to get something like that going, where you’ve got an interaction between the two of you and it breaks up. You’re not just constantly agreeing with the other person. One of the biggest mistakes guys make is constantly agreeing with the other person, and the girls think they’re a pushover and walk all over them. So, a very simple way is to ask them their favorite sports team, and to disagree without being rude about it. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 6 MUSIC Another one you can do is you can pick on someone’s music: Adam: What kind of music do you like? Obviously, whatever you say I’m going to pick on it. Girl:
Okay….
Adam: I like that – instant defensive. Girl:
I like reggae music.
Adam: You like reggae. You should like, get dreads. Girl:
I don’t want to.
Adam: Because you’re such a big fan, and everyone will look at you and be like, “That chick likes reggae.” Girl:
Yeah, that’s what I want them to think. She’s a good personality.
Adam: They’re going to look at you and think, “All this person does is do drugs, smoke, and drink alcohol.” Girl: 44
That’s their problem. Obviously they don’t know ADAM LYONS
DISAGREEMENTS anything about reggae if they think I do drugs, cause all the people that support Bob Marley, “Oh, I like Bob Marley because he smoked weed.” No, actually you should love Bob Marley because he was a great revolutionary and did great things for people, not just because he smoked weed. Adam: Secretly do you just pretend you like reggae because you really like Justin Bieber? That’s the truth. See, called you out. Girl:
No!
Adam: You’re t rying to h ide it. You really l ike J ustin B ieber. Girl:
I don’t like Justin Bieber…
Adam: You can’t hide it. Girl:
Okay, that’s ridiculous.
And that’s the whole point. You want to build up these stories. The more information you get out of somebody, the better, and that’s the kind of stuff that you’re looking to build. A simple disagreement is a way to do that. Remember, in disagreement you’re not completely disagreeing with everything they say. Just a BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 6 small d iscussion a bout s omething t hat s tarts w ith you d isagreeing with their point. You can always come around and agree with their point after that. That’s absolutely fine. You just want to show that you’re willing to contest it, and that you’re willing to have some sort of disagreement about it to gain more information out of somebody. DRINKS There are so many different things you can pick on. Another one that I really like is on somebody’s drink choices: Adam: What do you normally drink? Girl:
Vodka.
Adam: And you like to add mixes to it. So you like a little girly, frilly drink. You don’t like hardcore drinks like beer? Girl:
I do Patron.
Adam: Like straight Patron? So you swing from little girly drinks to dude drinks. Do you like pure-man tequila, knocking it back pretending to be like some big, hard dude?
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DISAGREEMENTS Girl:
No, like I will drink vodka all night to keep me stable, then if I want to do shots I’ ll drink Patron.
Adam: So vodka keeps you stable? Girl:
I can’t do brown liquor. I get really mouthy on brown liquor, and I think I’m cute and then the next day I’m like, shit. Were they laughing at me or were they laughing with me? So vodka keeps me cool throughout the night and then if I want shots, I’ ll have shots of Patron.
Adam: So as you can see... Girl:
And it’s not fruity drinks, asshole. There are tons of things you can make with Vodka without having it be fruity.
Adam: Okay, explain to me something that’s good that you can drink without it having to be fruity that proves you like a hardcore drink. Girl:
Like sweet tea vodka with a splash of lemon.
Adam: That’s pretty cool that’s a bit fruity, though. Sweet tea? Girl:
You haven’t tasted sweet tea?
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CHAPTER 6 Adam: No, I do man drinks, like Red Bull. Girl:
I’ve had Red Bull and vodka.
Adam: Okay, I’ ll give you that. Red Bull and vodka’s pretty harsh. So as you can see, simple disagreements are a great way to get somebody to interact with you. You will have a bit more of a normal conversation rather than the boring, “Hey, what do you do for a living, where do you hang out…”
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CHAPTER 7 DISQUALIFICATION
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HE NEXT PART OF BREAKING RAPPORT IS AN INCREDIBLY POWER -
ful subject. In fact, it’s so powerful I may end up doing an entire SURJUDPVSHFLŹFDOO\DERXWLW,WŎVVRPHWKLQJNQRZQDVGLVTXDOLŹ- cation. With disqualification, what you’re trying to do is prove why you wouldn’t be good for the other person. You’re trying to remove yourself from the equation of the two of you dating each other, or doing something together. Why would you do that? Why would you go through the hassle of making it clear that you don’t want to have an interaction with a person, and that you don’t want to take things further? One of the first things that it does is it removes it from their ability to say it to you.
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CHAPTER 7 If when you first meet someone they say, “No, I’d never date you” so things don’t get misconstrued, you can beat them to saying that. It stops them from ever saying to you, “Hey, I just want to be friends with you.” You stop them from being able to verbalize that because you say it first. If they do say something, there’s a potential problem later on with hypocrisy. If someone says, “I’m never gonna date you” then later on they decide they’re attracted to you, it’s very awkward for them to admit they were wrong. However, if you are attracted to them, it’s a lot easier for you to change your mind. If you can say, “I would never date you because...” whatever the reason might be, you’re already putting them in that position where the other person can’t beat you to the punch. They can’t then say, “Oh well, I wouldn’t date you.” They wouldn’t get the opportunity to say that. Essentially, disqualification is when we remove the pressure from the other person about whether they’d date us or go and do something with us. By making it clear that we’re saying no to them, it allows them to question about why we’re saying no. It shifts all the pressure, making them think, “Why wouldn’t he want to be with me?” Disqualification’s a really powerful tool. You don’t just have to use it AS a break in rapport. For example, you can use it to SET 50
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DISQUALIFICATION UP a different type of break in rapport, such as a verbal game. Maybe you want to find out whether using a verbal break in rapport is going to work with somebody, but you’re a little it worried that they may not understand the game. You could use a disqualification to set it up. You could say to somebody, “Hey, you know what? I’ve got this great game that I want to show you. I’m not sure if it’s going to be right for you because it takes a lot of brain power and I don’t know if you can handle that.” There’s a simple disqualification. I don’t think this is going to be right for you. I’m not sure you can handle it. They’ll say, “No, I can totally handle it!” which allows you to then do that verbal break in rapport. Disqualification is a great first step onto the rungs of breaks in rapport. It creates a nice level of compliance, and it’s a very small thing that you can throw out there. “Hey, I’ve got this great handshake I want to show you, but I don’t know if you’re in the cool club, so I don’t think it’s going to be right for you.” They’re going to say, “No, I am in the cool club, show me.” Then you get permission to show them that physical break in rapport. One of the big ones is to say, “You know what? We would never work. I’m far too much trouble for you. You couldn’t handle me. I know you think you’re a bad girl but you’re not. I’m bad news.” BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 7 The whole idea behind saying it is to get the girl to think, “Wait, why are you saying that?” More importantly, it stops them from saying to you, “I don’t think we should date.” By beating them to the punch, you remove that ability. Even if the girl says, “I never said I’d date you”, you can reply, “You can’t take it back, I said it first.” The whole idea is that we can bypass that so that later on the girl is never thinking, “Wow, I really would never date this guy.” Instead she’s thinking, “Why did that guy say he wouldn’t date me? What’s wrong with me? What could I be doing to get him to date me?” Adam: You should stay away from me. You know when your mom said, “stay away from guys that are bad news?” I’m bad news. You should probably stay away from me. Girl:
What do you do when a girl’s attracted to that? Why are you such bad news?
That’s the reaction you want. This does a number of things: 1) it tells you that the girl actually does like you and she’s willing to push against it, and 2) it separates you from the other guys because now you’ve got permission from the girl to be bad news. Another really powerful thing. You can now feel free to escalate things faster than you would normally because she’s thinking, “Well, what if I like bad news?” It 52
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DISQUALIFICATION lets you get away with things that you might not be comfortable getting away with. Disqualification is a very powerful tool because of that. I love this one especially on tall girls: Adam: You know what? You’re too short for me. Girl:
What? I’m like 6 feet tall! I’m massive.
Adam: Yeah, but I like them 6’1”. Another one, also one of my favorites. Say you’re having a disagreement. Suddenly you look at the girl and you say: Adam: You know what? This is a fight now. You and me, this is serious. These are battle lines here. This is a fight between you and me. I don’t know if we’re going to be able to fix this. Girl:
What if I cross them? What would happen?
Adam: Oh, now you’ve started a war! Girl:
So I’ve started a war.
Adam: Yeah, this is going to get serious, like, mass spankings are going to happen… BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 7 Girl:
That’s okay, I can handle it.
Adam: That’s my choice of weapon. My choice of weapon i s m ass s panking o r b ooby g rabs. W hat’s your choice? Girl:
The spankings.
Adam: Then it’s mass spankings at dawn – duel. Girl:
I can do it morning, night, whenever.
Adam: Done. Fine, let’s bring this. Disqualification is reverse psychology. You get the girl to go the other way. Another great one, and you can mix this with negging, teasing, or banter. You could say, “You know what? You’re super cute. I just prefer redheads.” To hot girls that’s really funny, because they can’t imagine that a guy really would choose a girl based on her hair color. She might say, “But I can be a redhead.” If she said that, she’d be telling me a lot more. She’d be telling me that she really likes me, and that she’d be willing to consider changing her hair for a guy that she likes. A lot of these techniques need calibration and practice, but disqualification’s a much broader topic than just the 54
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DISQUALIFICATION breaking rapport. It can really affect someone and shape their behavior. Make sure to watch the “Disqualification – demo” chapter of the Breaking Rapport DVD to see all the techniques in action.
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CHAPTER 8 SEXUAL ESCALATION
I
F YOU’RE SOMEBODY THAT FOLLOWS MY TECHNIQUES AND TEACH-
ings, you’d be forgiven for thinking, “Wait a minute, sexual escalation doesn’t come in now. We do sexual escalation at the end. We don’t do it in the middle of breaking rapport.” While that’s true, sexual escala- tion does actually make a very good break in rapport. If you’ve got a nice, comfortable situation going on and it suddenly gets sexual a little ELWWRRIDVWWKDWZRXOGEUHDNWKHFRPIRUW7KDWZRXOGGHŹQLWHO\PDNH someone feel a little bit awkward, but if you carry it off and get them to do something that they wouldn’t normally do, then you know that you’ve got somebody who is invested in you. More importantly, you will know they’re attracted to you. Of all the techniques, sexual breaks in rapport tend to be my absolute favorite. I can get people to play out their favorite sexual fantasy with me. One of my favorites is to get a girl to describe the best way of giving a blow job. I’ll say, “You know 56
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SEXUAL ESCALATION what? I often find that all girls say the same thing. They’re great at giving blow jobs. Yet whenever we get to bed, I find that most girls are not very good at it. So I’m curious, do you think you’re good at giving blow jobs, or do you think you’re bad at giving blow jobs?” Again, some girls don’t want to answer, but if they do answer and say they’re good, then what they’ve done is given me permission to then escalate the If you can get break in rapport further. From there away with sexual I can say, “Well in that case, what escalation during do you think is your best blow job breaking rapport, technique? How would you do it? then you can move Give me a description,” and I can on and bypass some get the girl to start describing the of the qualification, blow job. If a girl is going to look or at least get at you and describe giving a blow back to it later on. job, of course that’s a very powerful element of sexual escalation. We’ve now gone past being casual friends that don’t talk about sex to people that do talk about sex, and it’s set me up nicely to escalate things from there. Any time you can build up some kind of sexual escalation with somebody, you know that you’ve got a very good level of investment from the other person. They’re emotionally investing BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 8 and now this isn’t just some boring conversation they’re going to forget about. It’s incredible where you can use this technique. You might think, “That’s a little bit far-fetched and I can’t believe anyone would do that.” Go out and test it. You’d be surprised at just how well it works. Every time we get over a little something, we move it up to the next level a little bit more. The more we build that up, the more compliance we get. When you’re using this technique, it’s all about making sure you know you’re going to get away with it because of all that compliance. However, it can go wrong if you don’t do it correctly. Luckily, I’ve been doing this for a very long time so I’m very comfortable with moving things sexual and starting up a sexual conversation. I start with a very simple qualification just to make sure that the girl is okay with talking about sex. Look at the following interaction, where the girls and I got talking about sex. I started out by asking her, “How comfortable are you talking about uncomfortable things?” and the conversation proceeded to turn to sex: Girl:
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See, some girls, housewives I know, they only give head on their anniversary and their husband’s birthday. But really, you should do that all the time to keep your man around and you should do that if that’s what he’s into. ADAM LYONS
SEXUAL ESCALATION Adam: You’ve very easy to get talking about sex. Girl:
Oh, really? I just thought…
Adam: You’re great. I mean – Girl:
I was trying to give good advice.
Adam: It is good advice. The next point I was going to say is at what point on a first meeting should people talk about sex? Girl:
Immediately.
Adam: Obviously! If that’s the case, what’s your favorite sexual position? Girl:
I like lying on the side and…
Adam: Wait, how does it work? Make sure to watch the “Sexual Escalation – demo” chapter of the Breaking Rapport DVD to see the full interaction of where this conversation heads towards… Again, this takes calibration. If you’re a beginner, I don’t suggest you do this particular technique. Use all the other breaking rapport techniques until you get used to making a girl laugh BREAKING RAPPORT
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CHAPTER 8 and have fun. For all you know, the person you’re talking to is someone who doesn’t hang out with men very often, and the last man she made out with got a little too sexual too fast and she didn’t really want that. Sexual e scalation r eally i s m y favorite b reak i n r apport t echnique though. The fact that you can get away with doing almost anything with somebody and get them to laugh. And of course, you’ve sped up the whole game. If you can get away with sexual escalation during breaking rapport, then you can move on and bypass some of the qualification or at least get back to it later on. You’re already at the sexual escalation stage, and you can move things up from there. It’s a very powerful technique to use. What you have to remember is whenever you’re using sexual escalation as a break in rapport, you’ve got to tone it down a bit, or make sure you have a lot more disqualification first. This assures you that you can get away with it. If you do find that the other person isn’t receptive, don’t worry about it. You’re not really at the sexual escalation stage. All you have to do is tone it back, maybe use a different break in rapport. Get your investment, and then move it up from there. You will be able to use any sexual escalation technique from anywhere as a break in rapport.
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CONCLUSION
A
S YOU’VE SEEN THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE BOOK, BREAKING
rapport is a very powerful way of getting somebody to enjoy the interaction.
I think of it as almost a brother and sister relationship where they are continually fighting and playing with each other. That’s the kind of thing you’re looking to build up with someone you’ve just met. You’re looking to get that strong connection. The only difference here is that once you get that connection, you then know you’ve got a good level of investment and attraction. And because you’re not related, the only reason you’ve got that is because you’re generating attraction, and you’re getting into a situation where it would be very easy for the two of you to develop a relationship together. Breaking rapport is essentially that first spark of investment. BREAKING RAPPORT
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CONCLUSION It’s that initial thing that lets you know that this is somebody who’s somewhat attracted to you. It doesn’t mean that they want to jump your bones and have sex with you. It just means that they’re interested. One of my instructors says it quite well. He says essentially what they’re doing is because they have become curious about you. They’ve gone from somebody who is just enjoying the conversation and passing the time to “Wow, I’m curious about this person. I want to get to know them better.” More importantly, they want to give you information about themselves, and let you know other things about them. That’s exactly what you want to be happening. You want to get it to a point where they really do want to tell you about themselves. They want to share with you so you can pull out even more information and build a deeper and more understanding connection between the two of you. That technique is known as qualification. It comes straight after breaking rappor. That’s something you w ant to g o a nd h ave a l ook a t a nd p iece together. But breaking rapport is that first step. If you just meet somebody and you try and qualify them and get sexual, you’ll often find it’s a failure because the other person isn’t used to investing in you or laughing with you. They’ll think, “Wait, we’re just having a normal conversation. Why are you asking me deep things about myself?” or “We’re just having a normal conversation. Why are you trying to make out with me?” 62
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CONCLUSION Breaking rapport is that halfway gap that enables you to move on to the next phase. Remember, if you don’t get that response, or if they’re not investing or putting the energy in, all you do is go back to comfort. Rebuild comfort, build more of a connection, have some more normal conversation and throw out another break in rapport to see how it goes. I’ll often cycle between comfort and breaking rapport over and over again until I’m getting a good level of investment from them. Then I might escalate the breaks in rapport, or I might move straight into qualification depending on how I feel. I base this on the interaction, and where things are going. But I do build it up until I’m happy with the amount of investment I’m getting from the other person, and I’ve got a really strong connection with them. Let’s sum up the whole thing to make sure you got it correctly: First, the reason that we break rapport is to make sure we stand out from the crowd. We’re not just an average person that she meets. We’re someone that actually has an interaction, is fun to be with, and isn’t afraid to tease or pick on her a bit to prove that we’re on the same level playing field. You’re not just the yes-man. You stand out from everybody else that they know. It’s one of the fastest ways to make sure you don’t get stuck in that friend zone. If you are uncalibrated and you make a mistake in breaking BREAKING RAPPORT
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CONCLUSION rapport that they don’t like, having a solid level of comfort first is going to let you get away with it. Maybe you should rebuild more comfort and try a different break in rapport. There are a number of different breaks in rapport, whether you’re going to go verbal or you’re going to go physical. Use disqualification, sexual, whichever technique you want to use. Remember that different techniques will work better on different people. Watch the teasing, disagreements, and negging. You don’t want to do those too often. If you do it too often, you could end up upsetting the other person and going into a negative spiral where you both hate each other. Lastly and most importantly, as I said at the very beginning, breaking rapport is not a concept or a theory that you can learn from books. The only way you’re going to get good at all of the techniques demonstrated here is to go out and practice them in the field – good luck!
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