Above the Game

Above The Game: A guide to getting AWESOME with women

Ken Hoinsky

DEDICATION This book is dedicated to all those who are striving to improve their lives and the lives of others. To all the value givers out there, cheers.

HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE This guide is concise and easy-to-follow by design. Do NOT think just because this book can be read in one sitting that you will see any results that way. It will be tempting to ignore the Action Items and just keep reading, but please don’t. Followed correctly, you will begin to see major life improvements in 30 days, and by the 90 day point you should be well on the path to becoming a new man. Much effort was made to keep the content in this book as powerful as humanly possible. As I said in the Kickstarter campaign, “It won't take 20 pages to blather on about a concept that can be explained in 2. I'm not trying to waste anyone's time.” Respect the book. In your hands is something incredibly powerful, but only if you take it seriously. The Action Items draw on the well understood clinical techniques in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Their repetition will allow you to push past your boundaries and internalize healthy beliefs. You need a whole new set of reference experiences to truly become awesome with women. That is what the Action Items are for. One final note, if you think you have a serious social phobia, autism, or some other clinical disorder, please seek help from a medically trained professional before progressing with this guide. Thanks and good luck!

CONTENTS Acknowledgments

i

1

Ouch

1

2

In The Weeds

2

3

Delusional Optimism

6

4

Kickstarted

8

5

Sexual Communication

13

6

Five Mindsets

19

7

Limiting Beliefs

24

8

The Fundamentals of Attraction

27

9

Body Language & Approaching

34

10

Qualifying & Calibration

39

11

Flirting, Touch & Conversation

45

12

Dating Logistics

52

13

Getting Intimate

58

14

Your Journey Together

60

15

Be A Value Giver

65

16

Building & Managing Connections

69

17

Keeping Momentum

70

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I would like to acknowledge everyone I’ve gotten to know on my journey to this point, whether we just crossed paths online or have known each other since birth. You helped mold me into the man I am today. To all my friends, family, and supporters who stood by me through thick and thin, thank you for being there. To all the men I’ve gotten to know in my travels, whether it was for one night or for ten years, I couldn’t have written this book without you. To all the journalists, bloggers, and internet commenters who wrote about my story, thank you for your concern and interest in my story and its greater implications. You weren’t always kind, but you were the impetus that caused me to rewrite this book to be one we can all be proud of. Thank you for that. Lastly, to all the women in my life, past, present and future, I love you all. This book is for you.

i

1 OUCH I’ve made a huge mistake. I wrote a rape guide.

1

2 IN THE WEEDS You could probably use some backstory. No one (I hope) just wakes up one day and says, “I think I’m going to write a rape guide.” I certainly didn’t. And yet I did. To fully appreciate the power of the words on these pages, you really need to understand who I am and what got me to this point. My childhood was probably very similar to yours. I grew up in a small suburb. I sucked at sports and spent a lot of time playing video games and messing around on my computer. I was introduced to my first girlfriend at 15. Great, right? Too bad I was a supplicating loser with no idea what I was doing. She was the only girl I slept with for the first 20 years of my life. We went to college together (bad, BAD idea) and, because I was the stereotypical nice guy, she forced herself to cheat on me just to escape our horribly mediocre relationship. I was thrown into a six month depression for which I blame no one but myself. After two sexless years of college, I found myself firmly in a rut. I desperately needed a change. I packed my bags and moved to Tokyo for a one-year study abroad. I had no idea what I was doing there either. After over six months in the country, I could more or less hold a basic conversation but wasn't getting laid. I finally found a girl who would let me sleep with her which almost immediately turned into a hopeless obsession, right on cue. On Valentine's Day I got dressed up and bought champagne, flowers and chocolates. I waited for her to show... She never arrived – she was on a date with a more confident and suave man. I spent Valentine's Day alone crying. Fast forward a couple months... I got out of my latest rut and decided that enough was enough. I began going out, hitting the bars and clubs, talking to people. I had no idea what I was doing but I was energetic, American, partially fluent in the local language, and drunk. Lo and behold, I started having some 2

ABOVE THE GAME

success with Tokyo’s discards and undesirables out of sheer luck. Then I returned to the US. I spent my last two years of college sexless once again. I wasn't going out, I had massive approach anxiety. I knew how to handle myself in the bedroom, but I didn't know how to MEET women in the first place. I finally met a girl from the internet. She found that fact so embarrassing that she made me lie to others about how we met. Since I still had no idea what I was doing, but she was willing to have sex with my pathetic self, I began dating her exclusively. I spent the next couple years taking her out to nice dinners, oblivious to the fact that she was falling out of attraction towards me. I won’t insult the word “love” by pretending we ever had such a thing. Eventually, she too had to cheat to escape the relationship. That makes me 3 for 3 for girlfriends cheating and then dumping me. Notice a pattern? Notice the common variable in this equation? Hint: It’s not the women. So, around this time, I picked up a copy of The Game at a friend's house. I found it interesting. I googled the characters from the book and came across Mystery's original forum posts on usenet. I only really learned one thing, the Three Second Rule: You have three seconds from when you see a woman you like to walk up and talk to her. It stopped my Approach Anxiety before it could even kick in. At that that time I was living in New York City. I fumbled my way through nightclubs, bars, after-work happy hours, and parties. I started dating a lot of women – and some of them were even hot! These dates led to relationships, relationships led to love, and I finally felt in control of my own destiny. But that all came to a screeching halt in 2010. I took a new job and relocated back to Tokyo, of all places. Just like that college kid who studied abroad, I found myself completely alone in a giant metropolis… Only this time I spoke the language, had confidence, and had toiled for years building social skills and gaining reference experiences in New York. In other words, it was a perfect storm. I was an artist and Tokyo was my blank canvas. I felt confident and motivated to master social dynamics and distill building human connections to a science. I was in such a great place to learn and practice this stuff. My sexual confidence was at an all-time high (let’s just say my late 20s in NYC were good times), my love life was rock solid (I’ve been with the same lovely woman since 2006), and I was doing well enough in business to fund the thousands and thousands of required hours I spent experimenting and socializing. Not looking to recreate the wheel, I sought out the teachings and musings of experts in the space. I purchased books and DVD seminars from everyone from sales trainers, to big-name self-help gurus, to Pickup Artist hucksters. As with any media created for consumption, most of it is crap, some of it is excellent, but one thing is for sure – there’s a shit ton of it on the market. 3

KEN HOINSKY

But I was motivated to master this field. The reason I was able to comprehend social dynamics at such a high level was because my entry into this world was extremely atypical. I wasn’t a hopeless young romantic looking for my first girlfriend. Nor was I a heartless Pickup Artist seeking out vulnerable girls to manipulate and turn into conquests (though I am the first to admit my early “field reports” were clearly emulating their style – I cringe when I read some of my early stuff). I was a socially well-adjusted, confident guy just looking for a way to hack the process of building a social circle in a new city. The truth is that people who are “good with women” tend to not spend much time in online communities writing about it. They have better things to do with their time. So the majority of the crowd-sourced advice online comes from people who are struggling. The proverbial blind leading the blind. On the other end of the spectrum, you have gurus who are quite smart and create excellent advice. The problem with these guys isn’t that their material doesn’t work, it’s that their business model causes them to make some major compromises. For starters, they don’t make their living selling books. They make the big bucks selling highly expensive seminars and bootcamps (Mystery from VH1’s The Pickup Artist famously charges $12,000 for a weekend of in-person training). Their business model is to pump out as much free or cheap content as possible to capture your email address and eventually upsell you on the big ticket items. An even more effective method, employed by some of the best marketers, is to create a purposefully confusing, jargon-filled cult of personality THEN offer to spend one-on-one time together (for the low, low price of $X,000) to help it resonate and break through. Offering a short-winded, concise step-by-step guide to “getting good with women” is completely deleterious to their cause. The other major compromise the gurus make comes from the old advertising adage, “sex sells.” Saying, “Sign up for this website and bang NINES AND TENS by next week!” gets an order of magnitude more signups than “This clinically-proven unisex advice derived from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will have you building stronger social connections in no time!” Over time, this marketing reality began to taint all the language and habits that permeate the whole male dating advice spectrum. It is difficult to argue that pickup artists aren’t contributing to rape culture when they use words like “target” and “destroyer.” Early on in my writings I was as guilty as anyone when it comes to this. Again, cringeworthy stuff when I read it now (or when someone digs up my old writings and tweets it to the world). So this was the environment I was stepping into when I sought out advice for men on building social connections in 2010. A huge loose network of purposefully confusing and jargon-filled communities, driven by an exponential increase in content. Almost all of it permeated by a regretful 4

ABOVE THE GAME

vernacular that stigmatizes all involved. In other words, it was a mess. That being said, deep within all that content, if one dug hard enough and had enough social experience to sort out the good and toss the crap, there was gold to be found. Modern day philosophers such as Mark Manson were honorably trying to shift away from “pickup artistry” to a unisex self-help culture. Dating specialists such as Zan Perrion and David Wygant were teaching positive messages about love and connections. Fluffy new age concepts from everything from Zen Buddhism to Eckhart Tolle were starting to seep into some products. So I dove in. I dove in DEEP. I saw the gold at the end of the rainbow, remembering how life-changing something as simple as the Three Second Rule had been. By fall 2010 I was watching 20-hour-long seminars and sifting through thousands of internet forum posts. I casually started posting my own observations, trials, and tribulations on the popular social discussion site reddit. I started organizing with other people from the forum and planning offline meetups. There were spans where I went out seven nights a week, itching to apply a new complicated Eckhart Tolle concept and blog my results, much like a junkie on a coke bender. Except my drug was building connections with people. I was quickly recognized for my unique intuition and contributions. I began to espouse a healthier and more effective way at meeting and dating women. Learning to unlock your natural charisma and charm is a hell of a lot more fulfilling than reciting a list of lines you read in a book. But more important than teaching, I was doing. I would go out, try something, and write about my experience in a way that others could learn from. This was seen as a nice change of pace from the average quality of advice being posted online. I was nominated by the community of readers to become a moderator on reddit. I graciously accepted. We used our community’s growing influence to get big name authors such as Neil Strauss, author of The Game, to come on for “Ask Me Anything” interviews. I also established local communities in cities across the globe to encourage young men to meet and help one another in their self-development journeys. Through my position as a community leader I got to work closely with thousands of men offline and hundreds of thousands of men online. I was in a unique position to understand and appreciate the plight of the average Joe. This would turn out to be a blessing and a curse.

5

KEN HOINSKY

3 DELUSIONAL OPTIMISM By mid-2012, I had built great social circles in New York, Tokyo, and San Francisco (where I relocated in mid-2011 for a startup venture). I not only figured out how to do it, but had completely internalized my experience. I repeated my “success” in multiple locations across the globe. Through my efforts I saw people become best friends, roommates, husband and wife, business partners, mentors, successful entrepreneurs, and all-around great people. I had proved to myself that, through very hard work and introspection, it is possible to improve one’s lot in life. However, the advice that I was giving men seeking dating help was becoming increasingly obtuse and long-winded. It was “Watch this 20-hour seminar, read these books, listen to this long audio diatribe, go out and talk to a thousand people, live-blog your experiences, meditate, go to the gym, and solicit feedback every week for the next year.” Just because I went through it and survived doesn’t mean it’s the ideal way to learn. In fact it was turning people off from even trying. I stared off into the distance and saw thousands of hopeless faces – men struggling with women – struggling with shrinking self-esteem, and rising depression and anxiety. My heart poured out to them. I know that guy. I used to be that guy. A statement then came to me in a dream… “I did my 10,000 hours so the next guy only has to do 5,000.” That’s it! I was uniquely positioned to fix this problem. If not me, then who? What sort of “value giver” would I be if I held this knowledge back from people? I started collecting all my notes, based on real in-field experience and coaching I've done, distilling the best theory, advice, and methods into one condensed methodology – complete with Action Items for people to start implementing immediately. These notes formed the basis of the first online draft of Above The Game.

6

ABOVE THE GAME

In summer 2012, I left my startup to spend some time with my mother, who had been battling cancer. I’m not much for downtime, so I camped out religiously every morning in a local coffee shop, drafting out all my notes and thoughts. I spent weeks writing what was, in my mind, the “guide to end all guides.” I envisioned it as an entry point for every newcomer looking for advice on how to improve their lives and get better with women. Above The Game was the obvious title. To truly get awesome with women, you have to become awesome yourself. You have to be above all the tricks and manipulations commonly espoused in what the pickup world calls “the game.” Be above that. Be above the game. You get the idea. I saw it as a healthy alternative to the status quo. A way to get men working on themselves and working towards healthier relationships with women. I posted the first two chapters online in November 2012. It was a huge hit. As I continued posting the rest of the chapters over the following six months, it only grew more popular. People were taking tremendous value from it. A concise step-by-step guide for getting good with women, written by someone who made the journey himself, and all for free! Imagine that. It wasn’t long before the requests to publish it as a book flooded in. I have to say, I agreed with their logic. A lot of men would gladly purchase a copy for their Kindle, for some private bedtime reading, or give a copy to their brother as a graduation gift. Whereas spending time reading sloppily formatted posts on the admittedly-creepily named “seduction” section of a nerdy, pseudo-anonymous website isn’t for everybody. But I also didn’t want to be a sell-out. I was posting my guide for free, to counter the stereotypical dating advice business models. Embracing that model myself isn’t in my DNA. I dabbled with paid coaching for less than two months before realizing it’s not what I want to do with my life. I would rather guys spend $3000 on a hundred nights in bars and clubs, honing their craft, not paying me to be their wingman for a weekend. So ultimately I came to a compromise. I would crowdfund and selfpublish the book via Kickstarter, a site for people to donate money to creators in exchange for being an early supporter. That way I only needed to raise $2000 and could keep my day job (or so I thought haha). I resigned as moderator to remove any conflict of interest. I briefly thought about doing the Kickstarter under my online handle, TofuTofu, instead of my real name. But then I thought to myself, “I’ve been improving the lives of thousands of people across the globe, operating in total obscurity from the people closest in my life. Fuck that, I’m proud of all I’ve done. I will gladly attach my name to it!” I would quickly come to regret that decision.

7

KEN HOINSKY

4 KICKSTARTED The Kickstarter campaign started out great. I was hoping to raise $2000 in three weeks. Instead, I reached that goal in under three hours. Needless to say, it validated two points for me. One, there is a very clear market demand for a concise guide for men to improve their skills with women. And two, people want to read my writings on the subject. By the final day of the Kickstarter, I had raised $16,369 from 732 backers. A success by any measure, right? Well, let me tell you about “success.” Success on a site like Kickstarter invariably brings visibility. High profile creators like Spike Lee and Zach Braff have turned to the platform to raise millions for their pet projects. It has allowed for gutsy consumer products like the Pebble smart watch and Ouya gaming system to raise their seed funding without giving away valuable company equity. It is a fantastic site that amplifies visibility for hotly-demanded projects and creators. But with visibility comes criticism. And any time sex is involved, that means a LOT of criticism. My words were rightfully scrutinized on a level very few ever get to experience. I was destroyed in the public coliseum, accused of writing a “rape guide.” And you know what, they were right. Now I am not saying that quotes weren’t used out of context to make it look worse than it was. Nor am I saying that journalists and bloggers didn’t have their own agenda to drum up controversy to sell advertising impressions. Of course they did. That’s how the media works. But the crux of the issue – that I wrote things that could be interpreted as a “guide for would-be rapists” ala CNN1 – is accurate. I wrote some abhorrent stuff. I’ve since apologized for it and sincerely regret my wording in places.

1

http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/21/tech/kickstarter-apology/

8

ABOVE THE GAME

The criticism started on the morning of the last day of the Kickstarter campaign. A blogger who goes by the name Casey Malone put up a blog post on Tumblr titled “This Is Not Fucking Harmless.”2 In it he took some of the most offensive quotes and asked his readers to contact Kickstarter demanding the project be taken down. The post went viral and was quickly picked up by the pop-feminist megablog, Jezebel. From there it hit the national media. The social activism website DoSomething.org put up a blog post asking people to sign a petition to the CEO of Kickstarter to take down the project.3 Their content editor and author of said post, Ben Kassoy, became my greatest and most honest critic, for which I respect him greatly. Now, I know myself better than anyone, and though I’d love to say that a less brutal and public smack to the face would have woken me up to the stupidity of my word choices, that’s just not true. Being branded a “rape guide author” on a public stage was the greatest thing that ever happened to me as a dating coach. Feminist author Clarisse Thorn, ends her amazing analysis of the pickup world, Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser, pointing out a market need for a feminist-friendly guide for men. Taken a step further, a guide that everyone, man, woman, or otherwise, can be proud to recommend. A guide that offers a real solution to frustrated men, keeping them away from the slippery slope of objectification, misogyny, sexual assault and rape. I proffer that not only does it exist, but that you are currently reading it. It just required being called out on my rapey bullshit on a national stage to get to this point. Now, I know the people who have been following me since my early reddit days probably aren’t shocked by that. Compared to some of the things that get tossed around casually in seduction communities, my writing is downright G-rated. In my mind I was already writing something that was harmless and helpful to shy guys looking to improve. To this day I stand by my statement that my intentions were pure. I was just so deep in the weeds of rape culture and male-normalized speech (not just male-normalized speed – “shy nerdy, terrified of touching a woman” normalized speech) to not see how awful I was. My language, inside the context of my little corner of the web, was bad enough. Taken on its own and magnified by the media, it’s a goddamn rape guide. And I wrote it. My intentions were and are irrelevant. Now, this book isn’t intended to be a cover-to-cover apology for being an idiot. I do want to provide one bit of analysis on what I call the “telephone game” media culture we live in. If just one person reads this and spends a 2

http://caseymalone.com/post/53339539674/this-is-not-fucking-harmless

3

http://www.dosomething.org/petition/kickstarter

9

KEN HOINSKY

few extra minutes imagining the full context of the next scandal they come across, I will be glad. I wrote some bad things, but the death threats were probably overkill, guys. Just take a moment to consider all sides of the story, mmkay? I don’t want to take anything away from DoSomething.org. They are doing God’s work on a daily basis. Their petition caused Kickstarter to issue a public apology and donate $25,000 to RAINN (a leading anti-rape organization). 4 That is AMAZING and they should be very proud of themselves. However, this was the context of my words that many of the 60,000+ petition signers were exposed to:

4

https://www.kickstarter.com/blog/we-were-wrong

10

ABOVE THE GAME

Yup, a text message. I can tell you from experience, I would not wish for my worst enemy’s words to be judged on a summary that fits in 140characters. So when I said that my words were taken out of context, please keep that in mind. That being said, thanks to the publicity garnered by my Kickstarter, I had the privilege of sitting down and discussing my goals, thought processes, words, and criticisms with leading women’s rights activists, anti-rape groups, feminist authors, and popular sex and dating advice writers. I’ve also held women-only focus groups across four different cities and two countries. I no longer want to teach men merely within the comforts offered by an insular seduction community. Nearly all men have areas of their relations with women that they wish they could work on. It is so much more fulfilling to write for a hugely broad audience. My central goal is to make the world a better place for ALL people to exist in. It took being forced to reassess everything I’ve ever done, thought or written to get to this point. Here is a quote from an article of my meeting with Ben Kassoy, the author of the Kickstarter petition that lit my world on fire. I think it sums up the situation well.5 “I’m trying my best to hate Hoinsky, but he seems, for lack of a better term, like a nice dude. He is articulate without the bravado and raunchy alpha-male sensibility of his writing. He makes eye contact and listens intently; he evokes none of the defensiveness or anger I’d anticipated. Instead, he’s polite and discusses the previous week—one in which someone wrote him, “I hope you get raped”—with humility and poise. He seems less like the person whose advice to men is, “Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don't ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances” and more like the selfproclaimed feminist who speaks affectionately about his mother and

5

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2013/06/my-datewith-the-author-of-the.html

11

KEN HOINSKY

whose other advice includes, “Celebrate [women’s] beauty,” “Make her feel valued and appreciated,” and “Compromise is important.” As we sip from our magenta cups, it becomes apparent that I’m speaking not with a rape advocate but with a man who’s woefully uninformed as to the issues at hand and the dangerous implications of his words.”

12

ABOVE THE GAME

5 SEXUAL COMMUNICATION Consent, as it is commonly understood, is a broken concept. It is easily misinterpreted and abused. Look at the following sentences:   

“I wasn’t thrilled about it, but in the end I gave my consent.” “I’m going to need your consent before I can do that.” “I was able to get his consent.”

These three sentences could apply to anything from sex to a business transaction to waiving insurance at a car rental place. All three imply a finality (once attained, consent is immutable) and “something to be gotten.” Talk about a broken concept when applied to sex! This pervasive and elementary view of consent is so prevalent, it has become a common source of comedy in raunchy TV shows and films. The following is an exchange from the FXX TV show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a comedy about awful people doing awful things. In this scene, Mac the bartender is interviewing aspiring models in private, trying to decide which one will get to be on their billboard.6 Mac: Model: Mac: Model: Mac: Model: Mac:

6

Why should I pick you over the other girls? I’m willing to do anything in order to win. You’re talking about banging me, right? Maybe… If you say yes, I can write it down– Yes. OK, great. That’s written down now. That’s like a contract. Perfect, you can’t go back on it.

Season 4, Episode 3, “America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest”

13

KEN HOINSKY

Or for another pop culture trope, check out this scene from the hit CBS sitcom, How I Met Your Mother.7

In a parody of the film A Beautiful Mind, the character of Barney Stinson, a pickup artist caricature, is concocting an elaborate scheme to find the best way to have sex with his ex-girlfriend, Robin. The idea of “men going to crazy lengths to come up with ways to trick women into sleeping with them” has got to be one of the most pervasive tropes in modern pop culture. “Consent is the end goal, and all options are on the table to attain it.” This is a common, normalized belief. Even though these examples are exaggerated parodies for humorous effect, it doesn’t change the fact that consent, as a concept, is broken. Pickup Artistry has come up with elaborate “LMR Destroyers” which are routines and tricks to overcome a woman’s “last minute resistance.” The end goal = consent. Go get it, brah. What a broken concept. And yet the idea of an “LMR Destroyer” makes perfect sense if that’s how you view consent. I was as guilty of this way of thinking as anyone. I’m no sociologist, so I’m not going to speculate as to the source of this way of thinking (Religion? Mass media? Hell if I know.) All I know is it is one of the main root causes of bad sex, rape accusations, blue balls, awkwardness, and broken friendships.

7

Season 4, Episode 5, “Shelter Island”

14

ABOVE THE GAME

It gets even worse. Studies have shown that a significant portion of the population has said “no” when meaning “yes.”8 Any man with significant sexual experience would anecdotally back this stat up. What an absolute clusterfuck. I’ve spent much time researching the topic of consent, through the writings of, and conversations with, experts in the space, holding focus groups, and my own personal meditations on the matter. Men, especially those who write dating advice for a living, don’t like to deep dive into the topic of consent. It puts the topic of rape squarely on the table and opens up the potential for negative PR no one wants to deal with (this author included *ahem*). It’s much simpler to focus on the male-centric view of consent… Do what you gotta do to get her consent, have sex, high five your bros later. Men love to talk about their conquests but we aren’t big on going into bedroom details, unless it’s something especially out of the ordinary. And I can speak from experience and tell you that “consent” gets less than 1% the level of discussion online as “opening lines.” This collective “keeping our heads in the sand” isn’t just raising the incidence of date rape and awkwardness, it’s holding back progress for all of male dating advice! With this book, I am introducing an idea. I am calling to replace “consent” with “sexual communication.” Here’s the deal, pickup guys. The whole paradigm is broken. The folks in the enlightened camps among BDSM, poly, and certain feminist circles have eclipsed you on this. The whole paradigm is shifting on its head, where “getting consent” is being replaced with “continuously qualifying, communicating, and eliciting sexual interests.” You won’t need to “destroy last minute resistance” because there is no such thing as last minute resistance. It doesn’t exist in this paradigm. In this new world, an environment of safety, passion, and communication begins from the moment you first introduce yourself, and ends… well… when you guys stop seeing each other. The sexual journey you guys go on together IS the “pickup.” There is no goal of “getting consent” anymore. It’s all sexual communication. Sexual communication is being direct with your intentions and desires. It means taking the time to understand exactly what both parties are into and establishing the comfort and safety necessary to progress the relationship. Sexual communication is holding strong eye contact when speaking to a woman you find beautiful. Sexual communication is telling a woman you think she seems like fun and that you’d like to see her again. 8

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1988 May. “Do women sometimes say no when they mean yes? The prevalence and correlates of women's token resistance to sex.”

15

KEN HOINSKY

Sexual communication is understanding her logistical situation so you can respect it and accommodate for it. Sexual communication is being direct with your intentions in a tactful way. Sexual communication is creating an environment of safety, where she feels safe being “swept off her feet.” Sexual communication means starting with a handshake and establishing mutual intimacy before getting overly physical. Sexual communication means sharing your desires and encouraging her to share hers too, if she’s comfortable. Sexual communication means she understands that you “like” her “that way” from early on. There will be no friend zone misunderstandings and frustration. Sexual communication means no judgment or shame. Sexual communication means a soft touch is enthusiastically received BEFORE you go in for the kiss. Sexual communication means taking extra time to find out what she enjoys in bed, and vice versa. Sexual communication means it’s always OK to say no. Sexual communication means establishing a safe environment where both parties feel free to explore. Sexual communication means you find out that the woman you’re talking to is interested in a casual hookup. Sexual communication means you find out your friend wants benefits too. Sexual communication means learning that your partner fantasizes about threesomes, four weeks into the relationship, not four years. Sexual communication means realizing that you two aren’t emotionally ready to handle a threesome, thus avoiding a common pitfall. Sexual communication means better sex in general. Sexual communication means a safe environment to experiment. Sexual communication means being able to be submissive, or dominant, or anything in between. Sexual communication means less awkwardness. Sexual communication means an end to acquaintance/date rape. Sexual communication means your intentions are always crystal clear, boundaries are always respected, and an undercurrent of safety surrounds the excitement of adventure. Some guys seem worried that not being super aggressive will somehow “hurt their chances” and that they will not have sex. This is an irrational fear. The constant back-and-forth of getting to know each other’s minds and bodies will ONLY lead to stronger, richer relationships.

16

ABOVE THE GAME

If you communicate your desire, and your desire to learn about what turns her on, her passions, and her entire logistical situation, she won’t be surprised when you softly move from a touch her on forearm to a brief graze on the small of her back, to a close embrace, to a soft touch on the cheek, to a kiss. None of it will be overbearing, or surprising, or taking away any of her agency. It’s one of the most beautiful things imaginable. We’re not animals. We ARE capable of this, men. In the excellent feminist anti-rape manifesto, Yes Means Yes, Jill Filipovic wrote, “Men are rational human beings fully capable of listening to their partners and understanding that sex isn’t about pushing someone to do something they don’t want to do.”9 But try this on for size. Not taking the time to get to know a woman’s innermost desires and passions is downright piss-poor as a seduction strategy, anyway. Later on in this guide, I will introduce a concept called “I wonder what she’s like.” It’s one of the most fundamental and effective mindsets in all my teachings. If you ignore “sex” while embracing it, you will be missing out on some of the most sexy and effective ways to communicate your desire while getting to know the woman you’re with. Speaking to women all across the globe, I can tell you “bad communication when it comes to sex” is the #1 gripe women have with men who are trying to date them. The ambiguity that leads to the friend zone, the lack of communication that causes sexual incompatibilities to spring up too late, and millions of nights of bad sex can all be rooted back to this idea. Replacing the whole “consent” paradigm with a focus on mutual sexual communication isn’t only the right thing to do, it’s THE MOST EFFECTIVE DATING STRATEGY KNOWN TO MAN. That’s right, guys. Embrace sexual communication and you’ll get laid. Put that on a bumper sticker. Also in Yes Means Yes, Rachel Kramee Bussel wrote, “By not speaking up or waiting until the other person can share their desires, we are simply guessing. It’s a huge red flag if you never wind up feeling comfortable enough to speak up about sex with the one person you should be able to talk to about it.” 10 We MUST get past this immature way of assuming we know our partners better than they do. As you read the rest of this guide, keep the concept of sex and sexual communication in the back of your mind. Directly interweave it with topics like qualification, calibration, sex, and logistics, and you will be better received by women, hands down. 9

Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape, Friedman & Valenti, p.20 10

Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape, Friedman & Valenti, p.44, 46

17

KEN HOINSKY

This might not sound feminist-friendly, but the onus on making a world where women are treated as collaborators and not conquests falls on us men. The fact you are reading this book means you are cognizant of these issues and probably willing to try. Women the world over have had the well tainted by lousy, insecure men who never made an effort to establish a safe environment where desires can be openly communicated. It’s on you to open her eyes to this ideal and live it together. We will all be better off for it. Better sexual communication means happier men and women. That means that making the world a better place starts with you, with the next woman you approach.

18

6 FIVE MINDSETS Buckle up and get ready for the ride of your life. Embrace and practice the steps in the following sections and you will become the man you've always wanted to be. What follows is a glimpse into your future... There are FIVE mindsets that you need to adopt if you want success with women. That’s it. FIVE. Sounds easy, right? It actually is! But you need to actually follow this guide. Follow this for one month. I guarantee you will get results. Everything in this guide fits into one of these five mindsets. 1) Desire You are genuinely delighted by women. You cannot help but celebrate their beauty. You have incredible love and compassion towards women, but no neediness. You realize that all women desire passion, good sex and adventure. It is your mission on this planet to bring that to them – to make them feel sexy, loved and beautiful. 2) Abundance Your life is on such a journey towards greatness that all those who come into contact with you instantly recognize it. When you meet a beautiful woman, you gladly welcome her to come along for the ride, but you are unwavering on your commitment to your journey. 3) Authenticity You understand your values and aren’t afraid to communicate them openly. You are proud of your life and your journey. You are direct with your intentions and standards. Women respect you and speak of you as “one of 19

KEN HOINSKY

the good ones.” You understand to your core that her heart will be broken if she ever feels manipulated by you. You literally have the power to color all her future interactions with men. Women may feel disappointed that they cannot be with you, but they will never feel spurned by you. Honesty is as strong an aphrodisiac as they come. You've studied body language in detail. You've practiced and dedicated hundreds of hours perfecting your craft. When you approach a woman, you can confidently focus on her like she's the only girl in the world, using your body to do most of the talking. You are a master of the full-body smile, eyecontact, and taking up space. Your body communicates authentically on your behalf. You have eclectic interests, hobbies and opinions beyond the average person. You are learned. There will be plenty of people who see things differently from you, but this does not bother you. Above all else, everyone you encounter in life will think, "Wow, who is this man? There's something about him..." 4) Self-amusement You never take things too seriously. You are immensely confident, to the point where you can laugh at her, yourself, and the situation. You live a life of self-amusement. You have no qualms being self-deprecating in your humor as appropriate. You are a master of the shit-eating grin. Your confidence will shine through. You know when to act silly or off the wall as a way to manipulate your inner emotional state. You find excuses to honestly laugh from your belly every chance you get. People love being around you for this reason. 5) Value-giving You maintain a positive attitude about your mind, your body, your situation in life, and everyone else around you. You don’t let negativity seep in and suck your value away. You understand the difference between "goodlooking" and "attractive" to your core. You make no excuses for your faults and succeed in spite of them. You've been handed the blueprint for success and you've used it. You find excuses to be inclusive and social instead of exclusive and alone. You realize it doesn’t harm you in any way to give more than you take, and in fact, people want to be around givers. Value is limitless. Learn to give without expectation and the world will reward you to your heart’s content. You fully understand that women are sick of mediocre men. You have taken steps to remove all mediocrity from your being. You've transcended what you ever thought was possible.

20

ABOVE THE GAME

Action Items 1) Go someplace relaxing where you can be all alone. Bring a pen and this book. Ponder deeply and visualize the man you want to be 90 days from now. Catalog your life and remove anything and everything that doesn't fit this new image you have for yourself. Write this all down.  Examples: Stop wasting time playing pointless video games, stop watching useless TV, stop pointless web browsing. Cut out friends who harm your self-image. 2) Identify what behaviors you need to add to your life to become the man you hope to be in 90 days. Add them immediately.  Examples: Enrolling in classes, reading fine literature (go get a library card), joining a gym and going, studying for the LSAT. 3) Read and apply the other sections of this guide. 4) Revisit this guide every 90 days and continue to repeat steps 1-4 until you can confidently state you are the man you always hoped you would be.

21

KEN HOINSKY

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

22

ABOVE THE GAME

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page (cont.)

23

KEN HOINSKY

7 LIMITING BELIEFS There is no easy way to say this, so I just will. You will never get past your plateaus as you progress if you don’t face your limiting beliefs head on. So what’s a limiting belief, you ask? It’s pretty simple. A limiting belief is any excuse you make to keep from facing the cold, hard reality that you just aren’t trying hard enough. It is also recognizing the reality of your situation and succeeding IN SPITE of it, not using it as an excuse for your failure. Here is a great example from a conversation I had with a close friend. He is an Indian-American man in his 20s who has put a lot of effort into becoming better with women. I’ve personally witnessed the hard work and subsequent success. He mentioned to me one day that a common excuse Indian men make is “Man, I can’t get anywhere with white women. White girls prefer white guys, not brown guys.” I bet some of you are nodding your head, going “Yep, heard that before.” It is pretty common for people to want to point to unchangeable external factors as convenient excuses for their failures. Who can blame them? After all, it is so much easier on the ego than recognizing that, hey, maybe you just aren’t working hard enough on yourself. My Indian-American friend’s clever retort to when guys say that is, “So what? White girls DO prefer white guys. Does that make you feel better now? Did that help you in any way?” Besides, it’s all fabricated bullshit, created by your ego as a protection mechanism. Kate Harding, in her entry in Yes Means Yes, wrote “Ain’t no such thing as a person who’s categorically hot in the opinion of every single person who sees them.”11 The point isn’t whether or not one race prefers another. I don’t have any 11

Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape, Friedman & Valenti, p.73

24

ABOVE THE GAME

data to support that in any direction and don’t particularly care. The point is to stop worrying about meaningless external factors that you can’t change. Did Spud Webb use being 5’7” as an excuse not to make it in the NBA? No! He embraced it head on and succeeded IN SPITE of it! That tiny motherfucker won a god-damn SLAM DUNK CONTEST! Adopt that mindset. Channel your inner Spud-fucking-Webb! And you gotta stop making assumptions about women’s beliefs! Every tall woman you don’t approach because you’re 5’3” and she’s “probably not into short guys” is missing out on your awesomeness. You are being a douchebag by taking away her ability to make a decision on your sexual candidacy. Who the hell are you to make up her mind for her?! The worst case scenario is you find out she’s not into you, but at least you let her make that call. STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! Sheesh, you narcissistic twit. When in doubt, a touch of delusionally optimistic “Who knows, maybe she’ll be into me?” is 1000x more attractive than irrationally low self-esteem brought on by limiting beliefs. Additionally, every second you waste on negative thinking is a second you could be spending working towards something great. Not only that, it is frighteningly easy to fall into negative thought spirals, from which escape is extremely difficult. Negativity breeds contempt. Negativity is unattractive. Negativity is the root cause of anxiety, depression, and all sorts of stunted self-development. It is so tempting to start overanalyzing the status quo of your reality as a non-productive substitution for real development. Many people spend nearly every waking moment worrying about gender relations, the “haves and have nots,” and pseudo-imaginary oppression by various institutions. While it’s important to have an awareness of the reality one exists in, when analysis turns into neurosis, and when complaining turns into inaction, you, sir, are suffering from limiting beliefs. Another type of limiting belief is the irrational “preconception.” This happens a lot to guys who get way, WAY too into pickup. Suddenly everything becomes a “test” they have to pass. You can drive yourself mad analyzing things this way and cease seeing the forest for the trees. If you think you might be overthinking some aspect of social dynamics, talk to someone about it. Chances are, they’ll say, “Dude, you’re overthinking it.” Understand what aspects of your life you can change, and change them for the better. It’s easy to complain; it’s hard to effect change. Awesome people succeed in spite of their shortcomings and disadvantages. Be awesome.

25

KEN HOINSKY

Action Items 1) For the next 24 hours, try to catch every negative thought you have. Write it down immediately and spend 5 minutes meditating on it. Is it something you can change? Or is it something not worth even thinking about? Are you making excuses for inaction? Meditate on this every week. Consider starting an “excuses” journal.

26

8 THE FUNDAMENTALS OF ATTRACTION

“It doesn’t matter what he looks like. If a man has the confidence to approach women, he’s golden. And it doesn’t matter where he got that confidence.” -Julie, focus group attendee

There are four factors that serve to generate attraction. 1) Authenticity A lot has been written about confidence. If you boil it down to its simplest parts, however, confidence can be defined as authenticity. An authentic man is a man who lives a life of honesty to himself and the world. He is in tune with his true values and isn't afraid to show them to others. He stands proverbially naked to the world, warts and all. When he thinks a woman is beautiful, he tells her. When he dislikes something, he speaks up. When he wants something, he pursues it. An authentic man seeks truth, friendship, love, sex, and beauty. He is unabashed in his pursuits because he lives a life of authenticity. He has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, not to himself nor others. An authentic man understands the difference between his ego (socially conditioned limiting beliefs) and his being (his true self). He lives to satisfy 27

KEN HOINSKY

his being's true desires. The world is his oyster, and yet he knows it owes him nothing. He possesses true confidence: The confidence to know that if there is any human way to acquire something he desires, he will get it, but if it's not in the cards, then he shrugs it off, “It was never meant to be.” Ways to demonstrate authenticity: Speaking honestly and openly. Showcasing strong body language.

“I can tell when a guy is reciting a line. Flirting is better when it’s freeflowing.” -Vicki, focus group attendee

2) Desire Women desire men who desire women. All women, heck, all human beings, long to be desired. Being desired is a fundamental pleasure that we all enjoy. A lot of traditional pickup theory advocates opening indirectly and masking one's intentions. FUCK THAT NOISE. The battle of “direct versus indirect” has been fought and direct has won. Indirect opening and masking one's intentions is the primordial ooze that the Friend Zone crawled out of. You desire her, don't you? FUCKING TELL HER. Now what does that mean? Yes, it means telling a girl she's cute and that you want to get to know her better... But it can be just as powerfully done with eye contact, posture, and a carefully timed touch. Starting with something non-threatening, like a handshake, is great. Hold eye contact, smile, and LISTEN. And I mean, really listen. Focus on being completely present in the moment. Nothing says desire more than listening intently. Most people are so self-centered that they rarely take the time to truly listen to the person they are speaking to. This is such a simple way to show how you’re different from the pack and actually care what she has to say. Being desired for your body is cool, but being desired for your mind is heavenly. Ways to demonstrate desire: Touch. Direct statements of intent. Strong, unwavering eye contact. Listening intently. Passionate sex.

28

ABOVE THE GAME

“I love when guys go against the rules. It stands out from the crowd and comes across as genuine.” -Jessica, focus group attendee

3) Excitement Everyone wants to be taken on a magic carpet ride. The exhilaration of meeting someone new and sharing new experiences is a fundamental human pleasure. So it goes without saying that women appreciate a man who can inject some adventure into their lives. They want to wake up the morning after meeting a man thinking, “Wow, who WAS that guy?” Women want amazing stories to tell their friends and make them jealous. Women want passion. Women want to be swept off their feet. Are you leaving an amazing first impression with the women you meet? Are your date ideas better than anyone else's you know? Are you the one deciding what the next move is? It’s perfectly OK to be the one making decisions on what to do, especially early on in a relationship. The whole ritual of sexual communication means she is getting to know you while you are getting to know her. If you don’t take initiative and offer up pieces of your unique personality, she might not feel comfortable doing the same in return. Ironically, taking a leadership mindset can open up lines of communication even better than constantly saying, “So what do you want to do?” and “I dunno, what do you think?” Be unique. Say and do things no one’s ever said or done before. Stand out from the crowd. Break the rules – call when she is expecting a text sometimes. Be bold. Ways to demonstrate excitement: Be decisive. Be unique. Use nonsequiturs in conversation. Do random things for the lulz.

29

KEN HOINSKY

“I work a boring desk job. It’s nice to meet someone who has a more exciting life than mine.” -Tanya, focus group attendee 4) Lifestyle You have eclectic interests and hobbies. You have a job you actually enjoy or are pursuing a career/education that is in touch with your being's true desires. You have interesting friends and go on adventures all the time. You have studied fashion and take care to look good. You work out. You make a conscious effort to have the best hygiene possible. Ways to demonstrate lifestyle: Live a great life and people will take notice. Action Items 1) Look at the notes you made in chapter 6. Analyze them. Are you being entirely honest with yourself? Is there more you could be doing? Did you write down unattainable goals? Write them out again, this time with 100% honesty to yourself. Review and alter these notes at LEAST once a week until you are satisfied that you are being 100% authentic. 2) Try to go an entire day without masking your intentions or true feelings. Vocalize how you honestly feel while treating everyone you talk to with respect. Try to catch yourself every time you're being less than 100% honest. Examples:  “I don't mind that you canceled an hour before our date.”  “My hobbies are lame, you don't want to hear about them...”  “I'm OK with us being exclusive.” 3) Continue step #2 for a week, then 2 weeks. Then a month. Then 90 days. 4) Go to a mall or a busy public place, find an attractive woman and say, “You know, you are absolutely beautiful. I just had to tell you that.” See? That wasn't so bad, right? Now do it again. And again. After ten approaches, 30

ABOVE THE GAME

try and initiate a short conversation. Do not let a week go by without telling a beautiful woman that she is beautiful ever again. Don't let your seduction muscles atrophy. 5) Think of a random and fun outing that you doubt many men would ever think of. Once you think something up, go out to a bar or coffee shop. Approach a handful of women and say, “Excuse me, I was wondering what you think of this date idea...” Get their honest opinion on it. If it goes over well, jot it down on the following page. Repeat this until you have 25 random and fun date ideas. Use these liberally – you are now more exciting than 99% of men. 6) Be honest with yourself... Are you happy with your sense of style and fashion? If you aren't (and you probably aren't!), spend 10 hours reading fashion magazines and forums and another 10 hours talking to the salespeople at high-end men's clothing stores. Develop a sense of style that you think might work and, just like in step 5, run it by a handful of welldressed women. Take their opinions to heart, but with a grain of salt. Jot down what you think you want to look like and go buy yourself a new wardrobe. If you cannot afford to do so, start saving 10% of your income every week until you can. Buy yourself at least ONE great outfit as soon as possible. 7) Tell at least one close friend or family member about your new journey to improve yourself as a man and beg them to pester you about it on a weekly basis. Hold them to this.

31

KEN HOINSKY

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

32

ABOVE THE GAME

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page (cont.)

33

9 BODY LANGUAGE & APPROACHING A Simple Guide to Body Language All right, let's talk about body language. Body language before and during your approach specifically. Other than physical touch, body language is probably THE difference that separates the champs from the chumps. And I have some great news for you guys... Going from bad body language to good body language is probably the highest return-on-investment you will ever find when studying seduction. An hour behind a mirror and a few nights out is all you need to get the ball rolling in the right direction. You just need to bring some awareness to your body language. 1) Your mother was right – stand up straight! Slouching is a turn off. There is no simpler way to state this. Barring medical reasons, from now on you will never not stand up straight. EVER. Be conscious of your posture at all times and make an active effort to sit and stand up straight. Just get used to it, it's part of the new you. 2) “But... what do I do with my hands?” First off, stop thinking about your fucking hands. No one cares about your hands. The more you think about them, the more in your head you're going to be. Keep them down on your sides. That's it. That's all you need to know. Anything beyond that is mental masturbation.

34

ABOVE THE GAME

“I find it so sexy when a man wears a shit-eating grin.” -Tracy, focus group attendee 3) Smirk You know the smirk I'm talking about. The one that makes you think, “That guy intrigues me. I wonder what he's thinking about.” It's between “too goofy” and “too serious.” It screams “doesn't take himself too seriously.” It looks relaxed. It has a touch of smugness to it, but not too much. It's that look on your face when you're rocking that new sexy haircut and outfit before you go out, when you catch yourself in the mirror and think, “Oh fuck yeah, I'm looking good.” Get to know that smirk well, it is now the face you will showcase to the world when you're out talking to women. 4) Eye Contact Motherfucking eye contact! If there is anything resembling a magic pill, this is it! You MUST get comfortable looking people in the eye and not breaking eye contact first. Men who are successful in life do this. They hold eye contact. Look DIRECTLY into her eye and DO NOT LOOK AWAY. I don't give a shit if you're a foot away or across the room from her, HOLD IT. You will feel a rush of energy, nerves, and POWER. Learn to love that feeling, it's the feeling of you becoming a man who is successful with women, kiddo. Run with it. 5) Don’t stand so far away that she can’t hear you There’s a delicate balance with how close you can and should be when speaking to a woman in social situations. You don’t want to be a Seinfeldesque close-talker, but at the same time most nervous guys go in the complete opposite direction and stand practically glued to the wall. You want to be close enough to be able to catch her if she fell, but not so close that you are violating her personal space. If you need a rule of thumb, start with your faces three feet apart. I am a big proponent of the handshake. When you shake her hand, hold the handshake for just slightly longer than most guys would, and close the gap between you and the girl until you can feel the sexual tension thicken up. This is how you demonstrate intent in your approach. Trust me, if you've got that “I'd fuck me” smirk on your face, standing tall, holding eye contact, at a comfortably close distance, she will KNOW that 35

KEN HOINSKY

you desire her and want to get to know her better. You can literally say anything at this point and you've made a direct approach. Congrats! Speaking of approaching... The Approach A quick pop quiz for you. Which of these are good openers?     

“Hi. How's your day going?” “Excuse me. I just have to say, you are absolutely stunning. I'd be kicking myself later on if I didn't introduce myself...” “Oh my god, I love your sense of fashion.” “Hey, help me decide which martini to order.” “Where you girls from?”

Trick question. They're all awesome because you're a non-needy, sexy man with GOOD BODY LANGUAGE.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I like nerds and dorks but I never get to meet them because they’re too scared to approach me.” -Yuki, focus group attendee Master body language and you'll never have to think of a pickup line again. You can open with pretty much anything. Congrats! But what about approach anxiety? Yes, it's real. Yes, it never goes away. But you've made a decision to get good at this stuff, haven't you? If you haven't, then why the fuck are you reading this? Go jerk off; I hear lonely tears make excellent lube. Otherwise, follow the Action Items in this guide and you'll be well on your way to success.

“But if they find out I’m taken and get pissed, that’s the worst.” -Megan, focus group attendee

36

ABOVE THE GAME

Action Items 1) Re-read the Action Items in Chapter 8. If you haven't done those items yet, stop immediately and do them. This is how you get over approach anxiety. 2) Wherever you are, focus on standing or sitting up straight. Let this thought dominate your mind for a week. It will feel a little weird at first, but you will be surprised how quickly it will become second nature. From now on, standing up straight is part of your routine. It will become something you just do, like putting on your underwear and socks. 3) Find the biggest mirror you can find. Make and HOLD eye contact with yourself for 60 seconds straight. Say silly things like, “Hey sexy,” and “Yep, I'd fuck me.” This is going to be a little weird, but trust me on this. You have to get comfortable holding eye contact with someone – it might as well be yourself! 4) Next, smirk! Do something, ANYTHING, to get you fired up and smiling. Go crush that level in Mario Kart or watch some cat videos or literally ANYTHING to make you smile. Now look in the mirror and convert that smile to a smirk. If you're unsure what it looks like, take some photos and send them to me, I'll tell you. But I bet the majority of you guys will intuitively understand what I'm talking about when I say smirk. Channel your inner George Clooney. Practice this 15 minutes a day for a week. 5) Before steps 6 & 7, send a text message to a close friend, telling them that you will be out approaching. If you don’t have anyone to text, send me an email. All that matters is that you HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. Make people follow up with you. Consider journaling your interactions on paper, paying attention to your thought processes and emotions. 6) Go to a bar or nightclub that will have a lot of women. Keep only one thing in mind – you are there to practice getting in close when you speak to women and NOTHING MORE. Approach 10 different girls or groups of girls (they can be hot, ugly, or anything in between) with your new eye contact, nice posture, and sexy smirk. Say, “Hi. What's your name?” Hold that eye contact and pay attention to how far/close you are. This is going to feel really weird and might creep some girls out till you get it right, but you need get reference experience if you don’t have them. You are only there to practice one thing and one thing only. Plus I bet at least a couple of them will be receptive. Do this for five nights. 37

KEN HOINSKY

7) Go to a busy daytime venue, perhaps a mall, a park, a busy street corner, or a train station. Do the same thing as step 6. Try to get just closer than you used to. Try to feel the sexual tension as you look the girl in the eye. Make some small talk and maybe even ask her for her phone number. Congrats, you just had a successful daytime approach!

38

10 QUALIFYING & CALIBRATION “There has to be chemistry.” -Kelly, focus group attendee

“I wonder what she's like.” That phrase is your new mindset. Embrace it. Fall in love with it. It is your new best friend. That, combined with sexual communication, is the blueprint for fruitful relationships with women. Plenty has been said about the importance of having an abundance mentality as opposed to a scarcity mindset. Women want men who have options. Employers are more likely to hire employees who have other job options. The best negotiators make sure they have viable, alternate options. But how does one develop an abundance mentality towards women when they've never even kissed one? That, my friends, is the million dollar question. Plenty of great men have waxed poetically about this paradox, and most have utterly failed. Until now. The answer lies in these five simple words: “I wonder what she's like.” As you go through the self-improvement process, you will inevitably reflect upon what you want out of a partner. You will start to grasp what you really want out of life. As you evolve, so will your desires, values, and needs. This is a natural part of becoming a man. With that in mind, going through life seeking out people, places, and things that fit your desires is only natural. No longer are you thinking, “Will 39

KEN HOINSKY

this girl like me?” Instead you are thinking, “I wonder what she's like.” To put it another way, in each interaction, you are looking to expose the underlying truth. It seems so simple, but “What do you do for a living?” takes on a whole new meaning when you follow it up with “Why did you get into that field?” and genuinely care how she answers. Other Helpful Phrases:  “I'm curious about that. Tell me more.”  “What are you passionate about?”  “Why this school? Why not somewhere else?”  “What made you choose this city for your vacation?”  “Have you ever made love to a woman?” Learn to seek out the truth. What makes her tick? What is she really passionate about? Is she worthy of your time? Is she girlfriend material or is she someone you will want to invite out to help you cut the line at nightclubs? Figure that shit out. This is how you develop an abundance mentality when you don't have abundance yet. This is how you attract women. The guys who inquisitively seek out the truth like this are the guys who cause girls to say “I met this guy last night who just... gets me. It was amazing.” Be one of those guys. Calibration Calibration ties right in with this. You MUST understand how different people, places and situations affect how you can behave. Sometimes a girl just wants to rock out on the dance floor. Other times she wants to spend an hour talking about family, life, and passions. Other times she wants to discuss current events. Other times, kinky sex. There is only one constant: It is YOUR job, as the man, to lead the interaction in a way that she finds pleasurable and sexy. This is your mission. Remember, starting the sexual communication dance is your responsibility. It's a give and take. Though she might, you can’t expect her to initiate it. I am not going to tell you how calibration works in every situation. That is something you MUST learn for yourself. Without reference experiences, you cannot master calibration. That means PRACTICE (apologies to Allen Iverson.) The trick here is getting out of your comfort zone. Over time you will intuitively grasp how to act in different situations and learn what you can and can't get away with. But throughout it all, develop a love for finding out who she is and seeing if she's a fit for you. That's the name of the game. That's what 40

ABOVE THE GAME

qualification is all about. Keep in mind the concepts of sexual communication and authenticity. If YOU know you are looking for casual sex, don’t be afraid to ask the woman you’re speaking to what she thinks about casual sex. It’s OK to talk about risqué topics, especially in a bar or a nightclub. Part of being unique and getting out of your comfort zone is testing what is really “appropriate” and what’s not. You might discover that you are a person who likes to talk about sex on a first date, and that you aren’t interested in someone who can’t handle that. Likewise, you might find out you prefer to stick to “safer” conversation topics. The point is, without actively going out and learning calibration, you’ll never know. All the sexual communication in the world won’t help if you don’t know what you want. Keep that in mind. Action Items 1) Write down a list of women (real, fictional, famous, friends, crushes, whoever) that you find attractive for some reason. Try to jot down at least 10-20. Leave space between each name. 2) Next to each name, write down specific things you find attractive about them. Let your stream of consciousness flow. Examples: her hair, sense of humor, loves to party, can drink as much as I can, plays guitar, likes Pink Floyd, plays sports, nice breasts, big ass, adorable, Latina, travels, has hot friends, religious, atheist, bisexual, polyamorous 3) Look at the whole mess of text you just wrote. Just soak it in. Stare it for a few minutes with some music on in the background. Just soak it in while you visualize these various women and what they do for you. 4) Repeat the Action Items 5-7 in Chapter 9, but this time make an effort to seek the truth out in your interactions as laid out above. Journal these encounters and reflect on them. 5) Go to a high-energy nightclub or bar on a weekend with the sole intention of getting rejected in the most hilarious fashion possible. (This mindset is important. Bring friends if possible.) Think of crazy things to ask women, then do it. Don’t cross any lines, but don’t shy away either. You might want to go a couple towns over for this one. Not for the faint of heart! Example: Ask a group of girls their thoughts on The Human Centipede series. Push your comfort zone. Laugh at the hilarity of the rejections, you've earned it.

41

KEN HOINSKY

6) The next morning, think back on some of your crazy interactions and I guarantee you will realize it wasn’t that bad, after all. Surprise, surprise, you're becoming a spontaneous, fun guy that women find attractive.

42

ABOVE THE GAME

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

43

KEN HOINSKY

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page (cont.)

44

11 FLIRTING, TOUCH & CONVERSATION Flirting In his excellent work, Models, Mark Manson defines flirting as: “Expressing your sexuality to a woman in a non-needy manner, eliciting her to become more attracted to you.” Let me break that definition down. “Expressing your sexuality” means you are clear with your intent. You are speaking to her because you find it fun and you think she is attractive. A direct statement of interest certainly accomplishes this, “You are beautiful.” But so does good body language. Holding strong eye contact while you discuss politics with her is as clear a statement of interest as there is. Non-needy manner should be familiar at this point. You are speaking with her because you wonder what she is like. Does she fit your qualifications in a girl? Go find out! That's being non-needy. You're not hard up for sex, you're just figuring out what she is all about. Curious minds want to know. It’s all part of sexual communication. Flirting done correctly will cause her to “become more attracted to you.” That's the name of the game. There are two basic forms of flirting: breaking rapport and leading. Breaking rapport is anything that shows you are willing to risk rejection. Leading is when you, as man, directly dictate the direction of the interaction. Any time you tease, do something unexpected and spontaneous, say something surprising, or act dismissive, you are breaking rapport. Examples of Breaking Rapport:  Teasing (Playful ribbing, made clear you’re not being serious via your smile and laughter. Example: “You're really beautiful, Natalie. I think you're the third hottest Natalie I've ever met.” ) 45

KEN HOINSKY





Vocal Inflection (Lowering your inflection as opposed to raising your inflection at the end of sentences. It's the difference between “Wow, you went to Brown University.” and “Ugh, you went to Brown University?”) Spontaneity (Doing something surprising and unexpected. Get creative!)

Leading is when YOU make a decision about where an interaction will be heading. She expects you to push the interaction forward. That is your job. You always risk some level of rejection when you try to change the flow. That demonstrates a willingness to walk away which is inherently attractive and non-needy. That is flirting 101. Examples of Leading:  Touch (You are physically leading the interaction towards physical intimacy.)  Roleplaying (You are deciding to play a game and allowing her to play with you.)  Changing venues (You decide where to go next.)  Making decisions (You decide what to order, what to do, etc.)  Treating her like an old friend (You are deciding to treat her like an old friend even though you just met.) As a general rule of thumb, not taking yourself too seriously, and staying self-entertained, will allow you to maximize your attractiveness and pass any “tests” she may throw your way. Keep that in mind. Touch You MUST get comfortable touching others if you expect to get good with women. There is no way to fake the act of touching. Start basic, offer handshakes and high fives to people like they're going out of style. When you or the person you're talking to says something funny, touch them on the forearm when you laugh. It's perfectly natural and establishes that you are comfortable touching. When with a woman, decide arbitrarily to move the two of you to another section of the bar, or park, or wherever you are. When you do, put your hand on the small of her back. “Come on, let's move over there.” or “Let's go check the other side of the bar out. Come on.” Or let your legs touch each other under the table as the sexual tension builds. Force yourself to get comfortable doing it – there is no way around it.

46

ABOVE THE GAME

Conversation Your conversation skills are important but not the be all, end all. There are master orators, hypnotists, comedians and storytellers who rely almost exclusively on their words to get laid. But here's their big secret: they turn most women off rather quickly. They speak when they should listen. They're entertaining when they should be seducing. They are building up to a punch line when they should be building comfort. In other words, they are miscalibrated. You want to find something you can both speak passionately about and run with it. Find commonalities. Ask questions. Get her opinion on all sorts of things. Do not be afraid to call out a conversation as boring and change the topic. That's leading and that's flirting 101. Here is an example: You: How were your classes today? Girl: Not bad. You: Cool. Any plans for the summer? Girl: Not yet... looks away, disinterested You (recognizing the situation): You know, this conversation is boring. Let's talk about something more exciting. Girl: What? You: Yeah, let's mix it up. Here's a question for you... Why is Japanese porn so weird? Girl: LOL what? Uh... You: Seriously, they do the most depraved things ever and then blur out the genitals so it's supposed to be OK or something. Girl: You know a lot about Japanese porn, dude. You: Yeah, I was a world-class masturbator when I was 13. Girl: Uh… You: Hah bet you never thought you'd be discussing my middle school masturbation habits, huh? Girl: Hah can't say I did. You: Anyway, walk with me a second, I need to check on something. I chose this example because I'm a guy who wants women who are comfortable laughing about topics like Japanese porn. That’s just who I am. I spent time reflecting on the qualities I like in a woman. Yours should be quite different, that’s a good thing. I also quickly turned a boring conversation to a hilarious and sexual one with just a few words. “This conversation is boring. Let's talk about something more exciting.” = your new best friend. That's being spontaneous, unique, and leading in one fell swoop. Try it 47

KEN HOINSKY

out sometime. Develop your own “routines” and use them egregiously. Figure out what conversation topics make you smile. Try to be different. Be polarizing and use your conversation as a way to qualify a woman's compatibility. Remember, you're trying to find out what she's like. Don't be afraid to scare incompatible women off. That's a GOOD thing. That’s all part of sexual communication. Questions for Sexual Communication Speaking of sexual communication, conversation is the main tool for learning the who, what, when, why, and where of your partner’s sexual desires and experiences. The following is a series of questions designed to accomplish a bunch of important things at once: finding out what logistical hurdles are between you guys hooking up, communicating that you are interested in her as a sexual partner, demonstrating social awareness and striking a sexual vibe. 1) Who did you come here with? 2) How did you get here? 3) What’s your roommate situation? 4) Got plans tomorrow? 5) How are you getting home? 6) Where abouts do you live? Don’t barrage her with these all at once. Pepper them into conversation as naturally as possible. What you are doing is probing her current situation and interest in possibly hooking up. Experience will help you read between the lines, but it’s all pretty common sense. If a woman is thrilled to tell you that all her roommates are out of town and she has no plans tomorrow morning, plus she’s looking for a ride home… Well, it’s never smart to assume, but throwing out a “How about we go back to your place?” later on in the conversation would probably be wise. Likewise, don’t just assume that because a woman is hesitant to give you such personal details that she is not potentially attracted to you. In any scenario, exercise caution and keep banter alive. But all things being equal, those questions are amazingly efficient at starting off the sexual communication process. Seguing into a sexual topic is a skill that you can work on. Same with teasing. For example, I’ve said things like this before… “I bet you live in a giant mansion.” This is an example of a statement designed to elicit a response. Depending on how she responds it could turn into a conversation about gentrification to one about how you have a buddy in Cabo with a sex swing in his guest house. Be creative and learn to love the vibe. Vibing is key to fun and healthy sexual communication! Here is an example you can try out… Try feigning a bit of bashfulness and asking a woman if she’s ever received an unsolicited dick pic via text, or 48

ABOVE THE GAME

online, or through Snapchat or any of the myriad of social applications. Seriously, just say something like, “Hey, this is gonna sound nuts but I was in an argument with a friend of mine the other day… Do guys really send pics of their junks to women? Why do they do that? Is the logic that it’ll somehow get the women to want to sleep with them?” If anything, it will progress the conversation towards sexual topics and the psychology of sex! Trust me, even the most inept of men can turn that topic into a deep-dive into sexual topic. Comfort Building Just remember, at some point when you are talking to a girl, you MUST build a certain level of comfort or she will not feel comfortable sleeping with you/dating you. Sure, talking about porn is great, but you'll need more than that to find a girlfriend. Entire books have been written on comfort building methods, but I'm going to share my secret with you. In addition to finding common things you like or have experienced (commonalities), play a quick “Getting to know you” game and bring up these three topics: 1) A time when you were really embarrassed 2) A time when you were really scared 3) Your relationship with your parents & your parents' relationship It has been scientifically proven, in a famous study conducted by Dr. Arthur Aron, that those three conversation topics lead to high levels of comfort between individuals. You will each feel like you have shared a very vulnerable side and you will have more respect for one another because of it.

49

KEN HOINSKY

“Men have to take the lead when it comes to comfort. It is their responsibility to create an intimate environment. Feeling safety, intimate touch and not groping, showing respect, whispering sweet nothings… It’s all critical to making me feel safe. Women feel pressure to not be seen as promiscuous by our peers. I don’t want to feel like a slut. -Tiffany, focus group attendee

Building comfort is critical for fruitful sexual communication. Nobody wants to share their inner-most secrets with someone they feel like they barely know. Spend extra time getting to know the person before you. Be sure to demonstrate the social awareness that you know she doesn’t want to be seen as a slut by other women. This is one of THE most eye-opening insights from all the focus groups. Women shame other women constantly. It is a reality. Showing you empathize with her situation demonstrates concern, social awareness, and sexual maturity. All of these are incredibly attractive traits. Action Items (NOTE: Don't worry about rejection. You're just practicing different things, there is no reason to have any expectations on the outcomes of these practice interactions. Loosen up and have fun! Also, this is the part of the guide where different people will require vastly different time to accomplish all the steps. Some people can do it in a week, some will take a couple years. The important thing is to NOT GIVE UP. The rest of your life depends on it!) 1) Go out to a high-traffic venue that you are comfortable in. Approach 10 different girls or groups of people, keeping in mind the proper body language and approach practice you did in Chapter 9. 50

ABOVE THE GAME

2) Try to get them engaged in a conversation. You can stick to something situational (sports news, current events) or something observational (“Wow, it's impossible to get a drink in here.”) The topic doesn't matter because you are just there to practice touching the girls you are speaking to. Prepare to spend the first 5-10 minutes doing the bulk of the talking until they open up to you. This is normal. Offer a high five or handshake. Next, wait for a moment of laughter or delight and touch them lightly on the forearm. 3) Make a conscious effort to try both breaking rapport and leading forms of flirting with them. Tease, try to role-play (“Let's pretend we just got married. Wait, are you cheating on me? Shit, are we gonna have to get divorced? Oh man I better call my lawyer.” ) Practice lots of different things and figure out a style that works for you. This may take a while but it's a lot of fun while you're trying things out. 4) When you find girls who are receptive to your flirting, try to move them to a place where you can be alone and chat. A line like, “Suzy, I want to get to know you better. Let's sit at the bar.” works wonders here. If you can't get her alone, try to get her phone number and set up a date so you can talk then. 5) Make an active effort to bring up the three comfort building topics. Get experience doing these with at least 5 different women.

51

12 DATING LOGISTICS As you gain reference experiences, logistics become the most important aspect of all. Boys worry about game. Men worry about logistics. Without a logistical understanding of how you will progress from approach to the bedroom, you are flying blind. Understanding logistics is often the difference between landing the woman of your dreams and going home alone. Let's dig in. Logistics refers to all the external factors that you can control. How do you ask for the number, what kinds of texts do you send, where do you take her for your first date, how you get her from point A to point B, what do you have in your room. It means having a plan and trusting in it. It also means reflecting on your experience and developing a style that you can comfortably enjoy. You are not allowed to talk to girls until you go through the next two steps. Trust me on this. #1: Where can the two of you be alone? What do you have there? Whether you are looking for a one night stand or your next girlfriend, eventually you are going to have to be alone to get intimate. Everyone's situation is unique, but the bottom line is you must figure out WHERE you can do this in advance of the date. Obviously if you have your own place in the heart of a big city, you're in good shape, but even if you live with your parents, fear not... Where there's a horny guy, there's a way. Get creative and really think about all the different locations you can get alone after hours. Is there an isolated beach nearby? Great, go put a couple beach towels in the trunk of your car. Do the seats of your car lay down? Great. Have keys to your office after-hours? Fan-fucking-tastic! And of course you can always try to go to her place (but then you give up a tremendous amount of logistical control, so tread carefully.) 52

ABOVE THE GAME

NOTE: I'm using these as examples of creativity if you don't have a good place to take a girl. However, if you want to get good at this and start really dating women, you're going to need to get your logistics in order. If you're not working to get into a more logistically-friendly situation, you're making your life much harder than it has to be. As for the types of things you need in your place. Honestly, as long as you have a couch or bed, condoms, and music, TV, or a computer, you're in good shape. Everything you add beyond that can be helpful, but no need to go crazy. Adding a bottle of wine and some spirits will be the icing on the cake. Don't overthink this stuff. Yes, massage oil, hookahs, drugs, sex swings, lube, that mural you painted in art school, and your photo collection from your trip to Peru are awesome, but they're not really helping you get laid. Keep your place clean and live in a place you are PROUD to be in. That's what is most important at the end of the day. #2: Know your city and know your neighborhood You need to become an expert in your city, its various attractions, bars, restaurants, date spots, etc. Remember back when you came up with a list of great date ideas? Yeah, go revisit that list and try harder. Discover all that's great around you. Talk up strangers and ask them for cool things to do. Be a tourist in your own city for a weekend. Love where you live. A guy who can serve as the gatekeeper to all the wondrous sights and experiences in your city is incredibly attractive. Don't take that lightly. Most people go through life going to the same shitty restaurants and bars every week. But you aren't “most people.” You are unique and better than them. Women will gravitate to you. Now that you are starting to really know your city, you need to REALLY know your neighborhood. The more cool little spots you know within immediate distance of your home means the more logistical options you have to move women back towards your home. Visit every single bar and cafe in your neighborhood. Visit every park and shopping center and see what they have to offer. Go on a walking tour next weekend. Know your neighborhood like the back of your hand. I'll demonstrate why further down below, but more often than not, the best date location will be a random shitty dive bar down the block from your place. A lot of guys take girls to fancy dinners across town, but I would bet every dollar I have that they would have more success taking them to the closest shitty bar. OK, are you comfortable with your logistics so far? Good, now you're ready to talk to girls again. 53

KEN HOINSKY

#3: Getting her number By this point in the guide, you should have some experience opening and conversing with women. If not, go back to the beginning and follow the Action Items. You're doing it wrong. I'm going to make this section really easy for you. Getting her number is as simple as saying, “We should hang out sometime. Let's exchange numbers.” No gimmicks, no routines, no pickup lines. If you've gone in with good body language, touch, and conversation, you won't need anything fancy. That being said, it ALWAYS makes sense to attempt to do two things: 



Plant the seeds for your date ahead of time. Find out what she likes. Bring up that awesome bar/art gallery/cafe/whatever that she would like that you've researched ahead of time. Adding, “Hey we should go to [INSERT VENUE] together” to your attempt to get her number will almost always increase your chances. Throughout the course of flirting and building rapport, try to manufacture an inside joke, reference, or playful nickname. You can reference this in your text messages later on. David Wygant refers to this as “bringing her back to the moment” and it's a tried and true method.

Real-world Examples:  A girl wouldn't give me her name upfront. I said, “Fine, if you won't tell me your name I'm just going to call you Larry.” This caused her to feign offense (a common thing girls do when they are attracted to your polarizing attempts) which led to a passionate exchange. I could then text, “Yo Larry, what are you doing this weekend?” which brought her back to the moment when she felt strong attraction to me.  I asked a girl to watch my jacket, telling her it was a matter of national security, pretending I was in the CIA. I continued this inside joke between us throughout the night. When I began texting her, I could say “Tonight's my last night before the agency reassigns me. Wanna make waffles and have a pillow fight?” As you develop your personality and spontaneity, come up with your own teases, jokes, and nicknames. It's fun and gives every interaction its own unique essence. Oh, and put a little note referencing this next to her name in your address book. One final tip... When you get her number, I find it powerful to throw in a “Now you're not one of those girls who flakes all the time, right?” It implies a set boundary that you won't tolerate girls who flake on you. Firm values and boundaries are hot. 54

ABOVE THE GAME

#4 Texting the girl & setting up dates After getting the number, it's usually a good idea to send a “Did you get home safe?” text later that night. It solidifies the connection and your concern for her will make her more comfortable. If you met her during the day, or through a social function, calibrate your text accordingly. As far as general texting goes... There are plenty of guys who text humorous notes, sexy one-liners, and get girls to open up, building attraction through dozens of text exchanges. This can be very effective, so if it works for you, that's awesome. My stance, however, is that great men don't waste time texting inane messages all day long. The best text game is building extreme attraction before you ever get her number. That way, you can stick to texting only for scheduling real-life meetups where you can advance the interaction. Do you really feel that 140 characters on a small LCD screen properly represents who you are? I certainly don't. Here are my favorite texts to use. Feel free to use them often. They work.  “How's your day going?” (Give her a chance to respond. Her lady parts will tingle when she gets a message from “that cool guy she met.” You sexy devil you!)  “What's your schedule like this week?” (Let her tell you when she's free. She's not dumb, she knows you're going to follow up with a plan to meet. She is basically telling you when to schedule it.)  “Sweet. Come to [INSERT VENUE] with me. I'll be there Thursday at 8.” (Hot girls HATE when men require lots of back and forth to schedule plans. This was made abundantly clear in the focus groups. Be upfront with her. She will appreciate it.) As always, plan to calibrate to her responses and be flexible within reason. Do your job during the initial interaction and text game becomes the simplest thing in the world. No more “rules.” Dates Plan your dates in advance with a mental map for how you're going to get her from point A to point B. Yes, that art gallery all the way across town sounds awesome (and by all means, if YOU want to go, GO!) but it's not going to be ideal for getting her back to your place. I always start out by suggesting a shitty bar near my place. Why near my place? Because it will make moving her there 10 times easier than if we have to drive across town. Why a shitty bar? Because then I can use my favorite line in all of seduction, “This bar kinda sucks. I have some wine at my place, let's go drink there.”

55

KEN HOINSKY

Some tips for what to during the date:  Hug her at the start, and give her a kiss if you have made out before.  Don't even discuss who pays the bill. If you have the money, pay for the date. If you need her to chip in, start going on cheaper dates.  If you follow my advice and do your first date at a bar, you can say, “I'll get the first round” and pay cash. This solves a lot of the cash flow issues.  Try to sit in a corner booth or at the bar so your legs can touch. This will let you maintain physical intimacy.  Sometimes, if you sense she is not yet comfortable enough, planning multiple venue changes throughout the night will work in your favor. (Bar A –> Bar B –> Walk on the beach –> Your apartment)  Every thirty minutes or so, try to point out what you like about your date. Let her know why you desire her!  If you're not drinking age yet, or don't set foot in bars, a cafe or a walk on the beach can be just as good. If you’ve been putting effort into sexual communication with your dates, then she should be well aware that you likely want to sleep with her. Do that and you can just say, “Let’s get out of here,” or “Do you want to come back to my place?” If she is hesitant, read the situation. If you think that reassuring her that you won’t do anything she’s not comfortable with, and actually meaning it (don’t be creeps, guys), go for it. If not, end the date early and pick up next time. Making sure she is comfortable and safe is your priority #1. Trust me, the sex will be better off this way anyway. Patience is a virtue!

“If a man can show he listens and brings up details from our first meeting on our first date, that shows effort and builds a connection. My husband did that on our first date and I loved it! -Jenna, focus group attendee

56

ABOVE THE GAME

Action Items 1) Follow parts 1 & 2 above to the letter. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 until you do this. This is one of the most important things you'll ever do for your love life. 2) Write out 30, 60, and 90 day plans for how you are going to improve your logistical situation. Repeat until you are happy with your situation (aka no longer living with your mom.) 2) Go out with the goal of getting phone numbers. Follow the advice above and try for 10 numbers. Then 20. Then 30. You need to gain experience with a variety of women. There is no way to gain this other than brute force. 3) Text the numbers you receive and try to set up first dates. Try to schedule 5-10. 4) During these dates, try to work on changing locations. First to another neutral venue, then to your home.

57

13 GETTING INTIMATE OK, you've made it this far. You are with a beautiful woman whose company you truly enjoy. You desire her. She longs to be desired. It's time to harness all that passion. Getting Intimate This scenario happens all the time. A man is on a date with a woman. The man fails to touch the girl and only goes in for the kiss at the end of the night. He goes home alone. His internal dialogue says, “WTF why won't girls hook up with me? I guess I'm in the friend-zone again.” Meanwhile, the woman goes home, confused, wondering if the guy likes her. Her internal dialogue says, “I thought that was a date. I guess he just wants to be friends?” The major flaw in this scenario is that both parties neglected sexual communication. If you’re creating chemistry by showing your desire through body language and soft touch, asking the right questions about her logistical situation and sexual desires, and building a feeling of safety and comfort together, that scenario will very rarely happen. Smarter people than me have written tomes on sex, so I’m not going to outline it for you here. There is, however, one “move” that came up time and time again from the focus groups that is absolutely brilliant. Whoever said, “If you want to learn how to fish, talk to the fisherman, not the fish” didn’t spend enough time interviewing women about their sex lives! I will let Janice (names changed to protect the innocent) tell it to you in her own words: “We were by my car talking. He gazed into my eyes, created a moment of intimacy, softly placed his hand on my cheek, and kissed me. It was perfect.” This “eyes locked, hand on cheek before the kiss” phenomenon seems pretty universal. Take your time to make sure the moment feels right. 58

ABOVE THE GAME

Another nugget of wisdom on kissing… Instead of letting “the kiss” build up to be a huge important moment at the end of the date, try to find a moment to kiss in the middle of the date. Perhaps when entering your car, or inside of an elevator… A soft gaze, gentle graze on the cheek, and moving in to let her bring her lips to yours, will completely change the trajectory of the date. It’s like amplifying passion by ten.

“I’ve only ever been kissed at the end of the date. It always feels high pressure and awkward. I wish more men would make their move earlier in the night.” -Megan, focus group attendee

“He made me feel comfortable through his touch and words, so when he went for the kiss it felt natural, respectful, and not unexpected. He created a sense of intimacy and passion. I didn’t feel slutty when we hooked up.” -Tia, focus group attendee

59

14 YOUR JOURNEY TOGETHER Compatibility Really pay attention to the following words. The majority of failed relationships could have been avoided if they took this advice. Work this all in with your sexual communication. Both parties should always be screening the other party until you are firmly comfortable in your long-term relationship together. A few questions today could save you from a messy divorce later on. At some point, when you feel her falling for you, you need to start finding out if you're actually compatible. Take some time to ask yourself:  Do you want kids? How many?  Where do you want to live? A house in the suburbs? Out in the country? An apartment in midtown Manhattan?  Is religion important to you? Do you want your children growing up with a certain religion? Are you dead-set on an atheist upbringing or would you be open to adapting to your partner's faith?  How do you envision family life working? Is being close with your parents and relatives important to you?  Do you prefer to live for the now and save later? Or save for retirement now?  Are you looking for an open relationship where you can date other women? How do you envision that working?  Do you want to travel the world? Do you enjoy traveling? Think about these questions INDEPENDENTLY of the girls you are seeing. It might be wise to think about these when you are completely single and unattached. Hell, write out your answers to these! You'll want to revisit these from time to time. Don't ignore this step. Your entire life's happiness depends on this! 60

ABOVE THE GAME

Once you have a good idea of what YOU want out of life, start asking HER the same questions. Don't give her a full CIA interrogation, but do pepper these into conversation as you go from casual to serious. Most of the time, you'll start to notice red flags. That's OK, tell her you want to keep it casual, and if she's open to it, keep enjoying her company on a more casual basis. You are a man of values and you must STICK to those values or they are meaningless. Compromise is important, but if the idea of your kids growing up Mormon terrifies you, you'd better find out what SHE expects before it's too late! Commitment So you've met a great girl, you've made your intentions and boundaries known, you've gotten to know one another, and you've clicked in the bedroom. You think she might be girlfriend or wife material. Congratulations, that's amazing! Now what? A lot of romantic-comedies would have you think you need to stand out in the rain with a bouquet of flowers and ask her to be your girlfriend. Don't do that. Do you find yourselves just assuming that you are hanging out together on Saturday night? Is that becoming a regular thing? Are you guys becoming increasingly comfortable around one another? Are you getting lazier about tidying up your bathroom before you go see her? If the answers to all those questions is “Yes,” then congratulations, you've got a girlfriend! When the time is right, ask her “You're committed to this relationship, right?” No matter her answer, you'll have a very clear understanding where you two stand. WARNING: Just as a word of advice, really ask yourself if you do love this girl or if you just love the idea of the girl. For example: Are you forgiving the fact that she's a shitty person because she's really into that random indie band you've seen live 25 times? Spend some time meditating and being introspective about how you really feel before you let things spiral out of control. Keeping Her in Love with You This is where the fun really begins. You two can grow together, share experiences together, and start building a life together. It is absolutely critical to NEVER forget why she fell for you in the first place. Go back and re-read Chapter 6. You were able to land this amazing woman because you've embodied all those mindsets! Don't fall into the 61

KEN HOINSKY

classic trap of forgetting all you've learned just because you have easy access to sex! She fell in love with you because:  You are a leader. Early on, especially, you made a lot of effort to initiate the relationship. “Initiative” when it comes to dating was one of THE biggest gripes women voiced to me during the focus groups. Women lose respect for men who can't lead. It’s always a give and take, but you have to be prepared to take the lead more often than not.  You have firm values. When she does something shitty, you call her out on it. This could be as trivial as showing up 10 minutes late or as big as cheating on you. Whatever it is, you MUST stand up for yourself. Don't be a doormat!  You make her feel valued and appreciated. When she does something adorable that makes you feel warm inside, tell her! Smile genuinely and profess your love from time to time. Affection is sexy as hell when it's not coupled with neediness.  You make her feel desired and beautiful. Never stop seducing your woman. Grab her and rip her clothes off spontaneously. Compliments on her physical beauty are MUCH sexier when they aren't just words. Show her she's beautiful with your actions!  You are fun and spontaneous. Remember all those great date ideas you have? Bust 'em out! Send her mysterious invitations and take her on magic carpet rides. Your life is awesome and you're letting her ride shotgun in it. Don't take that offer lightly.  You are on a journey towards greatness. You were in the middle of your self-development journey when you met her. Whether or not you realized it, that fact alone is extremely attractive. It's the same reason women are suckers for starving artists. They value STRIVING FOR GREATNESS as much as greatness itself. Don't ever stop improving! Keep setting higher and higher goals. Don't give up. Don't settle. Emotions Don't be an emotionless shell, but don't pour your entire heart and soul out either. Once she feels like she completely understands you, the mystery and allure begins to fade. Take your time; you're in it for the long haul. Jealousy Jealousy stems from a fear of loss: A loss of power. A loss of companionship. A loss of control. 62

ABOVE THE GAME

Jealousy is borne from a scarcity mindset. One of the key reasons it is so critical to keep working on yourself – to stay on your journey towards greatness – is so you never feel like you've lost your ability to seduce women. Really honestly KNOWING that you have the ability to secure another mate just as good as your current one will help keep you from ever feeling jealous. That being said, never showing jealousy can diminish how DESIRED she feels. This is a bad thing. This problem can be easily solved, however... I've heard this from so many women: “There is nothing hotter than knowing he's the one who's taking me home at the end of the night.” You're a secure, confident man, right? So let your girl get dolled up and hit the town! Let her get hit on by other men! Let her validate her desire to feel sexy. That's an important emotion – don't be a controlling prick by depriving her of it. Introduce her to people in the bar and don't even mention that she's your girlfriend. Watch as a bunch of guys try to hit on her right in front of you while you smile and watch! That's how you show confidence, men. Then laugh about it in the car-ride home before you fuck her silly. The rush of emotions she'll experience will drive her mad! Fun Above all else, be fun. A relationship should be absolutely delightful. Couples who have a shared sense of humor tend to last the longest. Looks fade, status fades, but fun never goes away. Say stuff to rile her up. Then say things like, “Aww, I could never stay mad at you.” Be silly. Be childish. Action Items 1) Think long and hard about the questions in the section on Compatibility. Write down your answers on the next page. 2) Go back and re-read Chapter 6. 3) Go fall in love! Take chances! 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

63

KEN HOINSKY

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

64

15 BE A VALUE GIVER Value Giving Those who know me know that I'm always harping on about being a value giver. But what does that mean?  It means going out of your way to make others' lives better, without expecting anything in return.  It means helping those out who are less fortunate than you.  It means being a positive person and cutting negativity out of your life.  It means being a good wingman.  It means taking others under your wing once you get good at this stuff. If you are able to combine all the skills presented in this guide, combined with the concept of truly being a value giver, you will have reached absolute mastery. Here's why... We live in a world full of value takers. Value takers are drawn to value givers, for obvious reasons. But value givers are also drawn to value givers. Value givers are attractive to everyone. Period. The BIGGEST mistake I see men do is having a value taking mindset. Example 1: Think about the stereotypical nice guy at the bar who buys women drinks seconds after meeting them. Is he a value giver or a value taker? In his mind, he's a value giver because he is giving them free drinks, right? WRONG. He is trying to suck as much value out of that interaction as possible. He's “giving” a drink with the expectation of something in return. Women absolutely hate that. It sucks the life right out of the interaction. He's a value taker! 65

KEN HOINSKY

Example 2: Think about the guy who is always bitching and complaining about how his friends never introduce him to their cute girlfriends. But when was the last time he introduced them to a girl? Never! So why does he expect it in return? He's a value taker! Example 3: Think about the guy who is constantly negative. Who wants to be around that? It sucks the fun out of any interaction you're in with him. He's a value taker! Ask yourself: Am I enriching this person's life? When you're talking to anyone, really think about whether or not you are giving a net positive or net negative contribution to their life. Don't worry about what you stand to get in return. If you go through life contributing more value than you take, the world will start to reward you for it. People are drawn to value givers and their attitudes are contagious. This might seem paradoxical, but it will all become clear in time. When you're with a woman, really think about if you're doing something to enrich their life, or if you're just doing it to get laid. This is a fundamental concept, possibly the most important one in this entire book. True value giving is a trait of abundance. Your life is full of abundance, so keeping an abundance mentality becomes trivial. Why wouldn't you give value to others? You've got an infinite amount! Not sharing is just cruel! This abundance mindset is what allows you to give without presumption, without expectation of getting something in return. You enrich the lives of those around you and the world repays you for it. Think about the difference in mindset... You're taking a girl you met on an amazing date, not because you hope to sleep with her (even though you do), but because you're amazing to be around and you only get to spend your valuable time with a select group of people. You're enriching her life by being in it, staying positive, and taking her on adventures together. Wingmanship Part of giving value is being a great (not good, GREAT!) wingman to everyone. Constantly look for opportunities to help other guys out. See that shmuck at the end of the bar looking scared as shit? That was you three months ago. Go buy the poor sap a beer and introduce him to a girl. He’ll be so grateful he’ll probably buy you drinks for the rest of your life.

66

ABOVE THE GAME

Basic wingman rules are as follows: 1) Be awesome 2) Don’t cockblock 3) When in doubt, let the other guy get the girl. Only make a move if you really, REALLY feel a strong attraction/compatibility with the woman you’re both interested in. Tread lightly. 4) Have fun. Being a good wingman just means paying it forward and helping out your brothers in arms. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Everyone should win in the end. Just remember, value giving is the most powerful and dominant trait of attractive men. More so than assertiveness and more so than looks. People are drawn to value givers. Be a value giver. Action Items 1) Go someplace quiet and spend an hour thinking through all your interactions with family, friends, coworkers, women. What are you contributing to their lives? Write it down and stare at those words. Is that enough? Are you happy with that? 2) Ask some of your closest friends and family members if they would describe you as a negative or positive person. Ask them to be brutally honest. Take their words to heart. 3) Pay close attention to your thoughts. Try and stop yourself every time you think something negative. This can mean frustration, paranoia, hate, jealousy, or any negative emotion. Immediately think “STOP!” and refocus your mind on something positive. Look around you, there is always something positive to reflect on. Don't let negative thoughts dominate your mind. Actively do this every day for a week. 4) After a week, reflect on step 3. Were you able to do it? If yes, try to keep that mindset. If no, do it again but try harder next time. Keep it up until you're happy with your ability to control negative emotions. If you try all you can and negative thoughts continue to bubble to the surface, please see a therapist. 5) Re-read Chapter 6. Have you embodied those traits yet?

67

KEN HOINSKY

Use this section for the Action Items on the previous page

68

16 BUILDING & MANAGING CONNECTIONS This is a very basic point but one that is worth pointing out… As you are putting yourself out there, experimenting socially, you will encounter hundreds if not thousands of people. Without a plan for managing and cultivating those relationships, you will be throwing away tremendous resources. Step #1, get over whatever hang-ups you have about the NSA or advertising and get a Facebook account. You don’t even have to put all your real information it. The reason why is because you will be meeting hundreds of people and there is no platform better for managing that many connections than Facebook. Step #2 is simple. When you meet someone cool or unique, add them on Facebook. It could be a fun party guy at the bar, or an aspiring DJ, or that hot girl with the annoying boyfriend, or the frumpy girl with the cute dog… Just because you don’t feel an immediate attraction towards a person doesn’t mean they cannot have a role in your life. There will come a time when you want to organize parties or events or just have fun excuses to hang around beautiful women. What fun is a summer BBQ if you can’t get more than three people to show up? If not for nothing, having a list of a few hundred people to invite (via personal message – Facebook’s invite feature is completely ignored) will certainly serve you well. Also you never know what you might learn about these folks from their online activity. Some of the greatest nights of my life began with a random Facebook post from someone I met a single evening two or three years prior. What if they show up in your town and ask for a bar recommendation? What better excuse do you need to hit the town, wingman style? Remember, when in doubt, say, “Can I add you on Facebook?”

69

17 MOMENTUM Guys, as you go out, you will sometimes feel burned out. There will be highs and lows. There will be times you just want give up and play videogames instead. I get it. I’ve been there. Allow yourself to take breaks from time to time. But the real trick is to work these new experiences and rush of emotions into your normal life. Going out and being social shouldn’t feel like a big deal because it’s not a big deal. You will live life on your own terms and get everything your heart desires. I know it. Be responsible. Be safe. Be sexy. Be awesome. The world is your oyster, go fucking shuck it.

70

71