A Holy Terror by JG O'Reilly

'A HOLY TERROR' A Two Act play

by Seosamh O' Raghallaigh

PLAY BACKDROP The play is set in a typical small Irish country bar (Grogan's Public House) in the town of Killyclucker, situated about thirty miles north of Dublin. Killyclucker has a population of about 20,000. Apart from various services and manufacturing industries in the town, the main economic activity in the area is agricultural i.e. sheep and livestock production. The action takes place at about 8 o' clock in the evening. The walls of the pub are decorated with old whiskey and beer adverts, (Jameson or Power's whiskey or Guinness or Smithwick's stout or beer, perhaps one or two tobacco adverts (Major or Carroll's), pictures of sporting events or teams (Gaelic football or hurling) and the usual paraphernalia, such as old tankards, tongs, old bottles, perhaps a creamery can or a hay rake and fork etc. The bar is 'L' shaped with the main section near the rear of the stage facing the audience. There are four stools on the front section of the bar and one stool on the corner section, on the

right. Near the bar and closer to the audience are an number of tables and chairs. The bar has three doors - one exit door leading out into the street on the right of the stage and a door leading into the lounge, at the back and extreme left of the stage. Behind the bar counter and beside the till a small third door leads into the pub's storage areas, and private living quarters.

LIST OF CHARACTERS

Grainne Sean Anne O'Malley Una Sinead Stranger Paddy Seamus Fogarty Mary Fogarty Tommy

Age 20 27 26 24 25 30 44 46 40 70

Appearance Occupation Ordinary Bar-maid Ordinary Bar-man Pretty Banker Pretty Accountant Pretty Accountant Average Professional Well-built Farmer Well-built Farmer Stout/Rough Housewife Frail Farmer

1

ACT ONE Opening Scene Grainne and Sean are behind the counter of the bar . Grainne is busy stocking up, whilst Sean is standing idly in the right hand corner of the bar facing the audience. He is leaning slightly forward with both hands on the bar counter and nonchalantly perusing the local tabloid. Sean speaks with a country brogue and Grainne has an average provincial town lilt. Sean

So, yer sure, he was one of da travellers?

Grainne

I'm positive. He's barred from every pub in Killyclucker.

Sean

Flicking through pages Must be a right trouble maker so.

Grainne

Sure ya only have to look at him!

Sean

They're not all like dat, ya know. Ya get a few bad apples everywhere.

Grainne

Everytime you lift up a paper, there's stories of them fightin or killin each other. That old farmer who was killed down in Mayo last week, they said, it was tinkers that done it.

Sean

Maybe it was. I hope they catch da fuckers responsible. Tings like dat make me sick.

Grainne

I got a card from Monica this mornin.

Sean

Did ya? Dat was nice of her. How's she gettin on over in London?

Grainne

She's havin a great time. Lovin every minute of it!

Sean

It's well for her! She's da one, doin da teacher trainin, isn't she?

Grainne

Yeah, that's right.

Sean

I always used to mix her up with yer sister Nuala. Da pair of them are so alike. Like peas in a pod!

Grainne

Sure, no one could tell them apart.

Sean

Any sign of her comin home?

Grainne

No. She wants to stay on in London for a while, after she qualifies next year.

Sean

So, is da mammy missin her at all?

Grainne

Me mam misses her the most, I'd say. Her and Monica are like two best friends.

Sean

Does she come home to see yis much?

Grainne

She's back about twice a year, I suppose.

Sean

Dat's not too bad.

Grainne

She's got an Indian boyfriend now, ya know. He's called Ranjeet.

Sean

Is dat right? Well dat's a good one!

2

Grainne

She says he's lovely!

Sean

She's becomin very cosmopolitan in her auld age. Ye'll not know her at all, when she comes back home to Killyclucker. She'll be a new woman, altogether.

Grainne

Ah, Monica will always be the same auld 'Goldilocks' to us. It 'll take 3 more that some Indian to change her, even if he is, the bee's knees of Calcutta!

Sean

So, yer ma doesn't mind her goin wit an Indian lad?

Grainne

No. Why should she?

Sean

Oh, no reason. It's just, we don't have a lot in common wit them fellas. There's no harm in it, like. I met plenty of Indians when I was workin over in London, and I thought they were sound. They keep to themselves a lot, mind ya.

Grainne

How do ya mean, like?

Sean

Well they're fierce religious, like, these Muslims and Hindus. In da factory some of them would be on their knees, five or six times a day. They carried around these little prayer mats wit them.

Grainne

There's nothin wrong with bein religious.

Sean

I know, but they take their religion, far more seriously than we do.

Grainne

Sure we have no religion! None of my friends go to Mass anymore.

Sean

Reflecting They all seemed to congregate in certain areas. There were rakes of them in Tootin Bec. They're far more clannish than da Scots, ya know, and their beards are far longer, come to tink of it, and their kilts, but, they wouldn't be half as tight-fisted!

Grainne

You can talk!

Sean

Every year, da Muslims have to go on a huge fast.

Grainne

Like in Lough Derg?

Sean

Aye, only ten times worse! What's dis they call it?...Ramadan. Aye, I tink they call it, Ramadan.

Grainne

So, we do have somethin in common with them, then. They have their Ramadans, and we have our amadans, and you're one of them, Sean!

Sean

I remember one auld boyo in particular, called Murthy. He was a Hindu bachelor, pushin fifty, and a very nice fella he was too. A real charmin gentleman. His people in India had sent him over a young bride, about your age. Ya should have seen him Grainne! It knocked years off him! He was runnin about da factory like a born again teenager! Talk about recharged batteries!

Grainne

Lucky for some!

Sean

Nonchalantly flicking through the paper. So, how about yerself Grainne? Anyting to report on da romantic front, at all? Ya still on da look out for a wee bucko, are ya?

4

Grainne

Maybe.

Scrutinizing the paper I'll find ya someone, Grainne! There seems to be, quite a few ads in today's personal section. Let me see, now. Slowly runs his finger down through page. No, he wouldn't suit you at all!...Sorry!, no vacancies for you either, mate!...Dashin seven foot two, gent, seeks soul mate! Not here son! She's not a giraffe! Try Dublin Zoo!...No!...No!, you're out!...Forget dat loser! You can feck off as well!, Mr Poet Brains!...Sorry!, Eamon, not dis time old buddy!...Hang on! What have we got here? Yer da very girl, dis guy's after, Grainne! Listen to dis! Professional 5 gentleman, 30, intelligent and handsome, Gerry Adams lookalike! Seeks, tall, elegant, attractive lady for fun relationship. Age 20 to 8. Inter-ests include, dancin, sport, teeaythur. Own home and car. Grainne Ya must be jokin! He's full of himself! I'm not that desperate!... Anyway, Martin Mc Guinness, would be more, my type of fella! I like curly heads! Sean

Sean

Slowly running finger down column. OK! So let's see if we can improve on 'Gerry'!...Charmin and sexy, but, bald as a coot, from Ballyjamesduff! No, sorry!, you're out! Jason's another loser!...Might come back to dat one!...Piss off!, Mr Managin Director of half da town!...Another no, there!, I'm afraid. ...'Very romantic and caring, twenty two stone, barrister!' On yer bike!, ya fat bastard!...No!...Frig you!, ya gobshite!...Sorry!, "Warm hearted 'ugly ducklin' from Tipperary," we're closed for lunch!...Wait second! How does dis lad grab ya, Grainne?

Grainne

The suspense is killing me!

Sean

Farmer, young lookin 60!, drop dead gorgeous! Washes and shaves regular, changes underpants every Sunda, seeks docile crayture for outins and company, view to marriage, age 18 to 45, financially secure. Own home and tractor! PS. Lovely, Shorthorn suckler cow, wit bull calf for sale! Jasus!, Grainne, he'd be a great catch for ya, altogether!

Grainne

Facetiously God!, I can't believe me luck! He's just what I'm lookin for! Wait, till I tell me ma!

Sean

Joking Yer very choosy, aren't ya?, for an ordinary, 'plain Jane' from Cornafean! 6

Grainne

Yer no Brad Pitt, yerself!

Sean

I'm only coddin, ya eejit, ya! Yer da prettiest girl, dis side of da Mississippi!

Grainne

And the far side!

Sean

OK Grainne, turd time lucky!...Let's see now! There's not too many left...Sorry!, Jack, there's enough oddballs in her family, already! ...Forget brickies'!...'Handsome guy, four foot ten, and stinkin rich!' Her name's Grainne!, not 'Snow White', ya feckin leprechaun!...No!, to hell wit Dubliners!...Sorry!, Mick, we don't want to know about 'Viagra'!...Hang on! Who have we got here? Dis one looks interestin Grainne.

Grainne

What does it say? He better be good!

Sean

Begins to speak falteringly Be my bunny girl! I will show ya, da mainin of ecstasy! Transcend yer wildest dreams, and soar aloft on da wing of sensual love. Accompany me, my immortal beloved, on a phantasmagoric voyage of orgasmic fantasy! Don't keep me waitin too long, now, or I'll explode wit desire! Peggy Longlegs!...What da fuck's all dat about? Sorry Grainne! Better luck next time! Grainne throws a wet rag impishly at Sean's face and resumes her bar duties. Sean casually flicks through the paper. There's still not much doin on da job front, I'm afraid...No shortage of work for yard men and pig hands!

Grainne

Who'd want that sort of work?

Sean

Sighing I don't know, some poor eejit! Did ya ever consider hairdressin, Grainne?

Grainne

No. Not really.

Sean

'Spellbound', over on Bridge Street, are lookin for an 'assistant and trainee stylist'.

Grainne

Are they? What's the money, like?

Sean

Four twenty an hour plus tips, it sez.

Grainne

That's rubbish! You'd make more money beggin!

Sean

Oh, here's one!, dat might suit me. Warehouse assistant, forklift skills, an advantage, basic pay 180 pound a week.

Grainne

That's even worse than here!

Sean

It's not too bad...Here!, look at dis Grainne, I've got a job for ya! Beckoning to her Seriously!, come here and see for yerself. Grainne walks over to him and examines the advert. Sean points with his finger. Just there! See?

7

Grainne

Reading aloud Young friendly girl, non-smoker, required evenings and weekends, to help care for ancient, cantankerous, crippled, blind woman, who is hard of hearing. Strong country lassie preferred, as duties will include, mowing lawn, trimming hedges and privets, cutting nettles, lifting the old hag in and out of bed, chopping firewood, cleaning chimney and general hoovering, etc. May also involve some shopping and occasional feeding of geese and billygoat! Pay, not very good but negotiable! No time-wasters please! ushing Sean forcefully back with her right hand on his chest. Ya bollix, ya! 8 Grainne continues to tidy and clean the lower bottle shelves. This involves her going down on her hunkers, and so partly out of sight. Sean is bent over the counter and is casually reading and skipping through his paper. A well dressed man aged about 30 has left the lounge via the door on the left of the stage and as he passes near Sean to leave the premises, he is clutching a mobile phone to his right ear.

Man

Loudly into mobile phone. Hello!

Sean

Almost by habit and then looking up. Hello!

Man

Walking towards exit door on right of stage and totally oblivious to Sean's existence. I'm just leaving Grogan's now. Yeah, OK! See ya in a minute. Right! OK!

Sean

Mutters to himself and returns to his paper. Fuckin mobile phones!

Grainne

Cocking up her head Did ya say somethin, or were ya just lettin rip?!

Sean

I was just sayin, dat da country's gone mobile phone mad.

Grainne

I can't wait to get me hands on one. Me da, has promised me a nice fancy model, for my 21st., next month.

Sean

Grainne

Teasing Sure, what would da likes of you, want wit a mobile phone? I tink they're an awful cod, altogether. Ya eejit, ya! Have ya no friends, you'd like to be keepin in touch with? 9

Sean

Defensively If anyone needs to speak to me, they know where they can find me. I wouldn't use them mobile yokes, if ya paid me.

Grainne

You're a real auld culchie, Sean! Ya have to move with the times, ya know.

Sean

Just because, every eejit in da country has a mobile phone, doesn't mane, I have to be havin one.

Grainne You'd prefer be the dunce, would ya? Sulkin at the back of the class! I tink mobile phones are great, for keepin in touch with all your family and friends. Sean

Grainne Sean

Aye, well, maybe dat's true, but I tink they definitely make people more unfriendly wit strangers. Why do ya say that? Well, last week, when I was sittin on da bus to Drumcrow, I noticed dat none of da passengers were talkin to each other. Half of them were pretendin to be asleep, and da other half, were far too busy, blatherin into their mobiles or starin out da windas.

Grainne

I don't see, what's wrong with that. If I'm sittin on a bus, mindin me own business, I don't want some half-wit jackass tellin me their life story! It doesn't mean I'm unfriendly or anyting. I'll happily listen to shite like that, when I'm workin behind the bar and gettin paid for me trouble. Sean

These people wit mobile phones, should listen to themselves, sometime. Most of da time, da conversations they're havin are a cod. Dis auld farmer sat beside me on da bus, and I couldn't believe it! Even he had a feckin mobile phone in his pocket. Suddenly, it rang, makin dat stupid bloody noise. Dis is yer man, Grainne, look! Sean holds a packet of cigarettes to his ear and begins to

Sean

Grainne

sarcastically imitate the old farmer's diction. 'Hello! Is dat yerself Maisie? Hello! Aye, it's me Dominic! Aye, I'm on da bus, so I am. What did ya say? Da rat poison? Aye, I did. What? No, da black dye, was sold out, till Thursda. What? I can't hear ya. Ham, did ya say? What? Spake up, will ya? What? Spam, did ya say? What? Don't swear at me, ya, hoor ya! What did ya say agin? I can't make out a word yer sayin. Aye, spell it for me. B, aye, R, aye, A, aye, N, aye, oh, bran, ya mane? Aye, I got ya, yer ten packets and yer ten packets of prunes, so I did. Aye, I'II be home in about twenty minutes or so, plaze God. What? No, no! Do me tree praties, two chops and a couple of fried tomatas. Aye, and tree or four cuts of da currney bread. Aye, dat'll be grand, so. OK, Maisie, see ya! God Bless!,' sez he, puttin da yoke back in his pocket, wit da bale-in twine and six inch nail! He was obviously speakin to his wife.

Sean

Aye, I know, but it was daft, though, wasn't it?

Grainne

Ya might tink differently about it one day, when yer married yourself.

Sean

I don't tink so. I'm like me father, and he wouldn't touch a mobile phone in a fit! Mind ya, he seldom answers da phone at home! Da Mc' Fadden's are not a technologically minded family, I'm afraid, apart maybe, from da brother in Dublin, and 'Brains' over in New York!

Grainne

Well, ya could understand the attitude of the older generation, I suppose, but us young ones have no excuse.

Sean I don't know! Tings are movin way too fast, for my likin. Hughie, was tellin me, dat he can send a message on his computhur, and a fella ridin on a train in Brussels, can get da message on his mobile phone, seconds later. Jasus! What 'll they tink of next? In a few years time, you'll walk into a phone box and make a call to Australia, and when ya hang up and lave da phone box, you'll be able to 'go walkabout'! Grainne

Ah, it 'll be a brave while I tink, before they're that smart.

Sean

Where's it all goin to end up?

Grainne

Ya can't halt the march of progress.

Sean

I saw in da paper da other day, dat scientists are busy tryin to transplant da organs of pigs into humans! Pigs!, for God's sake! Have we gone totally mad, altogether? I have no objection to aytin da bastards, but I draw da line, at joinin them! Jokingly grunts like a pig Oink!, oink! I'd blame it all, on them cute tinkers!

Grainne

How do ya make that out, like?

Sean

Well they started, da whole mobile craze in da first place, wit their feckin mobile homes!

Grainne

That's totally ridiculous! The tinkers didn't invent, 'meals on wheels', or mobile clinics, or wooden legs.

Sean

Grainne

Reflecting No. Ye have me there, Grainne! I suppose, in fairness to da auld tinkers, da whole mad mess we're in today, was started by da eejit who invented da wheel. First, ya had da wheel, then da bicycle, then da tractor. Next ting ya know, we're walkin on da fuckin moon! What good has it done us, I ask ya? Well at least we proved it wasn't made out of goat's cheese!

12 Aye. Dat was a pity! I'm sure them fellas were half starved, by da time, they got there! Gloomily ...I don't know Grainne! Who am I to talk? A feckless barman like meself? What do I know about da ways of da world? But da way, I see it, da country's gone technology crazy. Everyone is workin away like mad, and nobody really knows, what they want anymore. It's like we've all been tossed into a huge washin machine and are spinnin around in all directions, wit no sense or purpose to anyting, anymore! In fact, I tink da 'Celtic Tiger' should be re-named, da 'Celtic Lunatic', or maybe just, da 'Lunatic Tiger', or maybe even 'Mad Dog of Europe'! Aye, 'Mad Dog of Europe', dat sounds good! We could be da 'Mad Dog of Europe', chasin da fuckin 'Mad Cow of England'! Sean

Grainne

I'm gettin a bit worried about you Sean. One minute yer given out about mobile phones and the next, yer talkin pure crapology! Grainne's duties involve her working in the lounge and stores area of the pub. She disappears through the small door near the till. She appears randomly and briefly throughout the rest of the evening, conveying goods from the stores area to the lounge and haphazardly moving between the lounge and the bar. Sean returns to his paper. Two very sexy and attractive girls aged mid-twenties enter the bar through right door of stage and approach counter near Sean. Sinead is blond and Una is raven haired. Both are carrying handbags and are very smartly dressed in miniskirts and high heels, etc. Both have polite provincial accents.

Sean

Hello! Good evenin ladies.

Girls

Collectively Hi.

Una

How are you?

Sean

Grand! What can I get yis?

Una

Could I have a bacardi breezer please? Turning to Sinead What do you fancy Sinead?

Sinead

I think I'll have,...yes, why not? I'll have a gin and bitter lemon. Giggling...It's a bit early for cocktails, isn't it?

Una

Turning to Sean And a gin and bitter lemon please.

Sean

Ice wit da gin and bitter lemon?

Sinead

Oh, yes please!

13

Sean

Take a seat girls, I'll drop them over to ya.

Una

Girls start shuffling and looking around and Una turns to Sean and points to a table. We'll just be sitting over there.

Sean

No problem! Girls strut over to a table, remove handbags from shoulders, select their seats and leave handbags near their feet.

Sinead

This seems a nice cosy little place.

Una

It's a bit draughty, don't you think?

Sinead

Smiling enthusiastically So come here, where are we all meeting up?

Una

Some of the girls want to meet up in Nero's first, at about nine. Have a few drinks there, before we eat. Anne was saying she might meet us in here. 14

Sinead

Sean carefully carries a tray of drinks over to their table. Thank you! That's lovely!

Una

Thanks a million! Your very kind! How much is that?

Sean

Dat 'll be five twenty please.

Sean

Una reaches for her handbag, opens her purse and roots around for money. Anyting else I can get yis ladies? Would yis ayte some peanuts?

Sinead

No, no! We're grand thanks. That 'll be fine!

Una

Una hands Sean six pounds. Thanks a million! Keep the change!

Sean

Smiles and returns behind bar Tanks! Yer welcome!

Una

Una pours bacardi breezer into glass, takes a sip and gestures. Sinead pours bitter lemon into gin, takes a sip and reciprocates. Cheers!, big ears!

Sinead

Good health! Sean now begins to work in earnest. He cleans ash trays, cleans and polishes glasses, tidies the bar, wipes tables near the two girls and occasionally disappears briefly into the lounge. He cleans and scrubs the normally filthy areas where bottles of spirits and liqueurs are stored near the till. He also cleans beneath the optics and cigarettes etc. He occasionally disappears briefly through the small door near the till which leads to the pub's storage areas etc.

Una

Niamh has made a provisional booking for fifteen, at 'The Vortex', for 11 o'clock. There could be as many as twenty, if we all turn up. 15 Becoming animated I think we're in for a bit of a wild night! With that many people, we should have a ball! Your sure Cormac's coming?

Sinead

Una

You're really into that guy, aren't you? He's nothing special, you know.

Sinead

Come on Una, are you serious? He's gorgeous!

Una

You haven't even spoken to him yet! I think, he totally ignores you. He may not even find blondes that attractive.

Sinead

Oh yeah! As if!

Una

There's no harm in fantasizing!

Sinead

Listen Una, when a guy pretends to ignore you, it's a complete giveaway. It's his way of saying, 'Look!, I'm available! Please consider me! I'm hopelessly obsessed with you and will die without you!' Believe you me! I know about these things! Both laugh

Una

Well, it's an interesting theory! I'll give you that much!

Sinead

So, come here, how's the flat hunting, going? Have you made any progress at all?

Una

It's desperate, to be honest. I've called at half a dozen places, this week, and found nothing remotely suitable.

Sinead

Really? I'm sorry to hear that. I suppose, with so many Dubliners coming to live around here, the landlords must be raking it in.

Una

Yeah, the shortage of accommodation is unbelievable. It's far worse than I expected. I called to see a place on Wolfe Tone Avenue, a few 16 nights ago, and there was a queue a mile long, waiting to view it!

Sinead

Typical!

Una

When I eventually got inside, it was a pokey little rat hole, and the landlord handed me a three page application form!

Sinead

That doesn't surprise me. What was it going for?

Una

Honestly! It was just a crummy little bedsit, and he was looking for eighty pounds a week, and three month's up front!

Sinead

Jesus! Some of those guys, are real rip off merchants.

Una

I went to see another property on the Northside on Monday, and that wasn't much better.

Sinead

Really? What was that like?

Una

Well it was a two bedroomed unit, like, and quite spacious, but the decor and general look of the place was decrepit. I liked the way it had its own front entrance, but I didn't care too much for the staircase, just inside the door.

Sinead

Why not?

Una

Well, I thought it was far too steep and narrow. If I came home plastered one night, I could quite easily, break my neck on those stairs! The whole place was filthy and damp, and I saw a couple of silverfish running across the worktop in the kitchen, which put me right off.

Sinead

My mother hates those little creatures. Every so often, she declares war on them, with her boiling kettle! 17 She's right! I think they're horrible! I thought that was bad enough, until I saw the bathroom! Jesus!, it was a complete no-go area! You should have seen the scum on the bath, Sinead! My God! You'd need a hammer and chisel to clean it! Why is life such a pain?

Una

Sinead

It was really that filthy, was it?

Una

Seriously! I'd rather go skinny-dipping in Drumrainy lake! I have a

thing about bathrooms, anyway. I mean, if the bathroom isn't right, you can forget it! Sinead

I know. You like to read in the bathroom, don't you?

Una

I do yes. I revised half my taxation exams in the loo! I find loos, very therapeutic and creative environments, in more ways than one!

Sinead

Well, like they say, it takes all sorts! So that was on the Northside?

Una

Yeah. But even if the flat was OK and reasonably priced, I'm still a bit reluctant, to live over there. It's full of low life and knackers!

Sinead

God Una! You're such a snob, sometimes!

Una

Don't be stupid! How could I, of all people, be a snob? Sure, my dad's a gravedigger and mammy plucks turkeys!

Sinead What difference does that make? Anne's an unrepentant, dyed-in-the- wool, snob, and her father's only a scrap dealer! Una

Yeah, but it's hard to pigeonhole Anne. I mean, she's part country yuppie, part imperial duchess, and part, smart arsed townie!

Sinead

Do you think so? I'm intrigued! Why do you say that?

Una

18 Well, when she's working in the bank, she adopts the airs and graces of a refined and cultured, country belle! But then, when she's staying over, with her sister in Drumcrow, she reverts to wannabee aristocrat, riding around pompously on that eejit of a grey horse, and I'm sure you'll agree, that, when she's out hoorin on a Friday night, with her painted toe-nails and blue-red lipstick, she's the very incarnation of smart arsed, bimbo townie! Both laugh

Sinead

I suppose, one could say, she's something of an anomaly! Do you get it? Anomaly? Anne O'Malley? Oh, never mind! So, you wouldn't feel safe on the Northside?

Una

I don't think, I'd fancy walking around there at night, on a regular basis.

Sinead

It's hardly that dangerous! And besides, now, that you're the proud owner, of a flashy new car, you don't have to worry too much about walking anywhere.

Una

I'd still prefer to, go to work by shanks's pony if possible! Anyway, the Northside is notorious for joyriders and vandalism. It's pathetic, isn't it? You work so hard, and buy yourself a nice car, and some little reprobate, just comes along and steals it, or breaks into it, or vandalises it, for no reason, other than pure mischief.

Sinead

Yeah. The law of the jungle! On second thoughts, I think, you're probably right. I wouldn't feel safe myself, walking around some of those areas, especially that Mc Sweeney Park.

Una

Well, I've heard so many stories of handbag snatching and drug abuse over there, and last year a girl was actually raped in Mc Sweeney Park.

Sinead

I know. Wasn't that dreadful? You'd certainly need your wits about you, in that particular area. So, come here, where else have you searched for accommodation?

Una

Do you know those old town houses, opposite the bus station, at the lower end of Cathedral Street?

Sinead

Yes. Of course I do!

Una

Well, I had a look at a flat, in one of those houses, a few days ago.

Sinead

They look OK on the outside. So, what did you think?

Una

Well for ninety pounds a week, they must be joking!

Sinead

Was it really that bad?

Una

I thought it was an awful kip, altogether! You had to share the 'jacks' with three or four other tenants. The flush wasn't working properly, and even the lock on the bloody door, was hanging off! The house was freezing and the stairs and landings, creaked like an old Spanish galleon. When I entered the kitchen, the first thing that hit me, was a strange musty kind of smell. I don't know what the hell was causing it, whether it was just the general dampness, or whether it was mice droppings or stale food or something.

Sinead

Dear, oh dear! How disgusting!

Una

It looked like it never had a lick of paint in its life. When I turned on the cold water tap, it gave a little dribble, and then groaned like some old codger dying, and to cap it all, I noticed some toadstools growing between the lino and the skirting board! Need I continue, with my eulogy?!

Sinead

God! It sounds worse than Dracula's dungeon!

Una

You should have seen the state of the bedroom!

Sinead

Really?

Una

My God! It was diabolical, altogether! Honestly!, Sinead, it wasn't fit for a pig! The dirty, tattered old curtains were drawn, although it was still bright outside, and cobwebs several feet long were hanging from the ceiling!

Sinead

Jesus!, cobwebs! You're not serious?

Una

I tell you no lie! Now, that really sent my alarm bells ringing, as you can imagine! I'd sleep on a park bench, before I'd share with spiders!

Sinead

Join the club!

20

Una

The landlord was a right comedian! The bedroom had a skylight in it, and your man let it slip, that water sometimes dripped into the room, when it rained heavily! 'I'll be getting it sorted,' says he. 'Stick it up your arse,' says I to myself!

Sinead

Jesus! It sounds dire! You could always move back home, if things got too sticky, where you are.

Una

No. That's not an option, I'm afraid. Well, not with the way, me and Tara fight and quarrell!

Sinead

I don't mean permanently, like. I mean just in the short term, while you look around for something that you really like.

Una

No thanks! I'd sooner move in with Anne, than go back there! I'm

so desperate at the moment, for somewhere decent and affordable, that I've even been scouring those little ads in Mc Breen's window. Sinead

21 Have you? Well, I suppose, you should leave no stone unturned, in your quest.

Una

I was looking at them again yesterday, and I saw some very cheap accommodation on offer, out near Killyfeckinskitter, and like the muggins I am, I decided to take a spin out there, to investigate.

Sinead

You'd never live that far out, would you?

Una

Well, obviously in a perfect world, I'd live in the centre of town, but I'm still partial to the country, you know. At the end of the day, if I found a nice pad, ten or fifteen miles out, I'd be flexible enough, to at least give it serious consideration.

Sinead

So whereabouts exactly, was this place you went to see yesterday?

Una

Oh, it's fairly remote, really. I don't think you know it.

Sinead

Well try me! My local geography isn't that desperate!

Una

OK! Well you go up to the top of the town, and drive out past St. Pat's College until you come to Brady's Garage. You take a left there, onto the Bornaheifer Road and keep going, until you come to Fivemilecross.

Sinead

Yeah, I know where Fivemilecross is. It's just beyond Buttercup Creamery, isn't it?

Una

That's right, yeah. Well you turn right there, and go on about three long miles down the Craicnahooley Road, until you come to Fartinhen Bridge. You take a left at Fartinhen Bridge and go about another mile, until you come to Leppinbullcross. You go straight ahead from there, for about a quarter of a mile, until you come to another little crossroads, near Windy Mountain. You take a right 22 there, onto the Killyfeckinskitter Road, and then drive on for about two and a half short miles, I'd say, or just over two long miles, until you come to the ruins of an old monastery. The entrance to the house is a few hundred yards further on, on the right hand side, up a long winding pass, buried under trees and thick hedges. Well you've lost me completely! I wouldn't have gone out that way, at all.

Sinead

Una

Would you not? So which way would you go, then?

Sinead

I would have gone out to Corrleggylass first, and then drove along the mountain road into Killyfeckinskitter.

Una

Oh, you mean around by the back of Skeleton Quarry, like?

Sinead

Yeah, that's right. The way you went sounds too convoluted. I'd definitely have got lost, with all those crossroads, and fartin hens! Both laugh

Una

Sinead

Yeah, I suppose, that would have been a better route to take. Your local geography is evidently not as desperate as mine! It took me ages to get there. I'd never have found it, at night. As it was, I had o stop several times and ask for directions. So what was it like?

Una

Wait till I tell you! I was driving up this narrow pass, and was thinking to myself, that the place was quite secluded and charming. When I got to the top of the lane, I parked the car near the front garden. I was pleasantly surprised actually. It was one of those gorgeous little thatched cottages, like you see in Donegal or Connemara.

Sinead

Oh really? Like the picture postcards? They're adorable, aren't they? 23 I'd love to live somewhere like that, provided it wasn't too far out.

Una

It looked absolutely idyllic, with its dainty little windows, and whitewashed walls and little flower pots. Well, I was just getting out of the car, when I heard some loud barking, and as I turned around, I got the fright of my life! A huge, black, demonic creature, was bounding straight for me, across the back yard! Jesus! It put the heart crossways in me!

Sinead

Good God! Wasn't that typical? Just your luck! What sort of a dog was it?

Una

Oh, don't ask me! It was a big ferocious thing, the size of a young bullock! All teeth and claws, and spit and venom, and programmed for nothing, but loud barking and snarling, and scaring the living daylights, out of little lassies, like myself, harmlessly looking for accommodation!

Sinead Una

Sinead

Una

Sinead

Una

Laughing I can just see you, 'Little Red Riding Hood'! So what did you do? I dived straight back into the car, and began to shake like a leaf. That was my first reaction! Laughing You poor thing! Well, I don't blame you! I'm not overly keen on the canine fraternity, myself! I can't stand the little monsters. I turn to jelly, if a dog so much as looks at me, sideways! It doesn't matter, whether it's big or small, hairy or bald, four legged or six legged, I just go to bits, altogether! Both laugh I bet it was just a harmless, excitable, old farm dog! 24 I know, they don't all bite, like. But if they jump up on you, your clothes are ruined. Anyway, I decided, that the safest thing to do, was to sit out the blizzard, in the car and contemplate theories of the universe!

Sinead

You're such an eejit! So did anyone come out to investigate the commotion?

Una

Well, not immediately. After a few minutes, when I got stuck on Liebniz's ontological argument for a pre-established harmony, I gave the horn a couple of determined blasts, and a little frail old woman, opened the front door. She walked over slowly to the car, menacingly brandishing, what appeared to be a double-barrelled shotgun, and drawls in her best Killyfeckinskitter idiom,... Imitates a Texan cowgirl 'What ya doin on me land, Missie? Da sign sez, no tresspassin!'

Sinead

You're not serious?

Una

Would you like to go out there for a ceili, and show her some of your holiday snaps, from Ibiza?

Sinead

I don't think so!

Una

OK, then! So anyway, I told her who I was, and the nature of my business, and she promptly chained up 'Lucifer' and invited me inside for tea and gingerbread!

Sinead

I see. So what did you think of the place?

Una

Well, believe it or not, it was like something, out of science fiction! I was transported back in time to the Neolithic Age!

Sinead

And how far back, would that be roughly?

Una

Oh, I don't know! Ages ago, in prehistoric times. Well before our time, anyway.

Sinead

Before the time, we were an island of saints and scholars, like?

Una

God! Long before that!

Sinead

Before the druids, even?

Una

Jesus! Long before that! Did they teach you nothing at Loreto?!

Sinead

You mean the time, when the country was covered in bogs and forests and fair maidens were saved from marauding beasts, by gallant, handsome knights on white steeds!

25

Una

No. Not quite! I mean the time, when people lived in caves and burrows, and knocked the shite out of each other with stone axes and ate anything, that didn't manage to eat them first! Both laugh

Sinead

Come on Una, stop messing! Her surname, didn't happen to be Flintstone, did it?!

Una

I think the 'Flintstones' were more with it! She had no running water. You had to fetch water from a nearby well, with a bucket. She had no electricity, even, and as regards her bathroom facilities, God only knows, what the arrangements were!

Sinead

You're joking, no bathroom, even?

Una

Sinead

Una

Well, I don't want to be too unkind to her Sinead, but I'm almost certain she was pulling grass or docken leaves! Jesus! That was very backward, altogether! 26 You're telling me! She showed me around the place, which was tidy enough, but I thought everything looked a bit dark and dingy, and I didn't really like my bedroom, either.

Sinead

Was it a bit spartan, like?

Una

It was OK, I suppose, but the room was freezing and the horsehair mattress, felt very uncomfortable.

Sinead

How many bedrooms did she have?

Una

Just the two.

Sinead

Was there no heat, in the house at all?

Una

Well she had a big open turf fire in the living room, with an old black kettle hanging over it; but that was about it, I'm afraid.

Sinead

I'd love a turf fire. I'd just curl up in front of it, with a romantic novel and day-dream for hours!

Una

Yeah, I kind of like it myself, but the whole cottage stank of turf. She stank of turf! Even 'Pinky' the cat, stank of turf! God knows how she managed to wash herself, at all!

Sinead

Like we all had to do in the Stone Age, I suppose. Up as far as possible, and down as far as possible! So, you couldn't see yourself, moving in with 'Wilma', I take it?

Una

I don't think so, somehow! I thought she was a bit weird, to be honest. She had a long hooked nose, and was wearing very dowdy, old fashioned clothes. Her eyes seemed to be too close together, and she was sporting a long white goatee, that Confucius himself, would have envied! 27 Sinead Really? She sounds a bit like my Auntie Dotie up in Leitrim! Una

She had a very strange accent as well. I didn't have a clue, what she was saying to me, half the time! I think, she originally came from the back of beyond, somewhere, over near Cornageeha.

Sinead

Sounds to me, like she was still living in the back of beyond!

Una

She was such a character, honestly! I had to laugh! She had one of those sewing machines, you operate with a foot pedal!

Sinead

Really? How quaint! I suppose, a little old dear, like her, would hardly be surfing the 'Internet', now, would she? So, come here, how much rent was she looking for?

Una

She was only asking for fifteen pounds a week.

Sinead

You're joking! Is that all she wanted?

Una

Well!, that's what she said.

Sinead

The poor thing! Sure that's nothing!

Una

I know, but she'll be lucky to get it! Who wants to 'rough it', in this day and age?! But, I tell you one thing, Sinead, you wouldn't need to worry about if you shacked up with her.

Sinead

Let me guess!, queuing for the bathroom, first thing in the morning?

Una

No! You wouldn't be too worried, about stalkers or prowlers! Imitates Texan cowgirl and takes aim with imaginary shotgun. What ya doin on me land, stranger? Ain't nothin round, these here parts, but buzzards and bones! Bang!, Bang! Both laugh 28 I wonder would she ever use that thing, on someone?

Sinead Una

I quizzed her about that, actually, before I left, and she told me that she only used it occasionally, to take down the odd low flying crow, when she ran out of rashers! Both laugh

Sinead

Well, please God, you find something delightful, before too long.

Una

Una gestures, and takes a sip from her drink. Yeah, let's drink to that, shall we?...Cheers!

Sinead

Sinead gestures, and takes a sip from her drink. To your new home!...Cheers!

Una

So come here, how are things in Audit and Advisory?

Sinead

Oh, you know, the usual. Same old treadmill! Long hours, boring clients, arrogant partners!

Una

Sounds dire! There's some vacancies in Corporate Finance at the moment, why don't you request a transfer?

Sinead

Una

Becoming more sombre I know you might find this a little bit of a shock Una, but I am actually on the verge of leaving the company. Quite taken aback You're not serious? Why?

Sinead

That swine in the office is hitting on me again, and it's really pissing me off.

Una

I thought you said it was all sorted out?

Sinead

29 Suddenly starting to cry Well it was, but after the New Year's Eve party it all started up again.

Una

Sinead

Una

Sinead

Una Sinead

Una Sinead

Una

Reaching out and tenderly touching her hand. Oh you poor thing Sinead. Don't cry pet! I'm so sorry! You should have told me. Sinead removes tissue from her handbag and begins to dry her eyes. I thought, I could cope you see. Keep out of his way. I'm not a child, you know. He's so stupid Sinead. Sexual harassment in the workplace is very serious. What did the pig do to you? Has he been pawing you? Speaking falteringly Initially it was just his pathetic obscene jokes, and filthy comments like, when the other managers would be around. But, I did my best to ignore him and just ploughed on with my work. Consoling her Don't cry love! Don't worry! It'll be all right! He's such a creep! I'd be working on my pc, and he'll invent some excuse or other, to come over and hover around. He stands there for ages, talking bullshit and trys to peep down my blouse or look at my legs. Always calling me sexy or darling, it's wearing me out, Una. Still in disbelief and consoling her. The swine! Honestly! Has he put his grubby paws on you? He's such a pest Una. You know the photo-copy room on the third floor? When I'm using it, he sometimes darts in behind me and grabs my waist, or trys to brush against my chest in the lift. 30 Sort of accidentally on purpose like?

Sinead

Yes.

Una

You know when Tara was a student? She was working part-time in a pub in Dublin, where a lot of that sort of shite was going on. The owner was always grabbing her waist or pulling her onto his lap or cuddling her. She got so fed up with it, honestly!

Sinead

Really? Another dirty bastard?

Una

Yeah, but fair play to her! She managed to sort it out for herself.

Sinead

How did she do that?

Una

One day, when several customers were sitting at the bar, she suddenly spun round to him, and screamed, 'Get your fucking hands off me!'

Sinead

And did that to the trick?

Una

You're damn right it did...Who does he think, he is? The slime-ball! And he's as ugly as sin!

Sinead

Una

Sinead

Una

Sinead

Beginning to regain her composure I know, and he thinks he's sex on legs!, the tosser! He sat beside me last week in the restaurant and put his hand on my thigh. Becoming motherly What? You're joking? Listen Sinead, this nonsense is going to stop right now. I'm not letting this go any further. It's totally unacceptable behaviour, especially coming from a senior partner. I'm going to speak to HR first thing on Monday morning. Jesus! Men are such Neanderthals! 31 They're all very sweet apart from that disgusting brute. Today, the sod accused me of shredding some bank statements belonging to a client, which was grossly unfair of him. It had absolutely nothing to do with me. In fact, I don't know how he ever became a senior partner in the first place, because he's always losing documents or letters or screwing up his figures, or turning up late for meetings! Pardon my French, Una, but the man's a total, fucking, screwball, apart altogether from the harassment! Places a comforting arm around her shoulder for a few moments. It's OK Sinead, don't worry pet. We'll sort him out. Becoming more composed Well I looked everywhere for those feckin bank statements. Just before lunch I was searching through some files near my desk and you won't believe what happened.

Una

You found your ring?

Sinead

No. He felt my bottom.

Una

What? The dirty, filthy, lecherous bastard! He's not getting away with that Sinead. I don't care who he is. He's pushed his luck, a bit too far this time, the bastard! A friend of the two girls, Anne O' Malley, enters the bar via the lounge and joins them. She is also mid-twenties and attractive with blond hair. She is smartly dressed in a miniskirt and high heels, etc., and is carrying a handbag. She warmly greets Una and Sinead and speaks with a slightly

affected diction. Anne

Hi Una!, how are you?

Una

Hello Anne!, nice to see you!

Anne

Hi Sinead!, how are you?

Sinead

Hi Anne!, I'm fine thanks. How are things?

32

Anne

Pulling over chair and sitting down It's very windy out there. So, how long have you been in here, then?

Una

We're just in before you, Anne.

Anne

Oh, really! So, are we all set for a night on the razzle? Anyone like a drink by the way?

Una

No thanks Anne, I'm fine at the minute.

Sinead

No. I'm grand thanks for the moment.

Anne

Anne beckons to Sean Excuse me, could I order please? Is something the matter Sinead? You don't seem as perky as usual. You haven't been crying, have you?

Sinead

Oh, it's nothing really. I'm fine.

Sean

Sean walks over to their table Hello, what can I get ya?

Anne

I'd like a dry white wine please.

Sean

Certainly. Anyting else wit dat?

Anne

No, just the wine for now, thanks. Sean returns to counter Come on Sinead, what's the matter? Is it something to do with work?

Una

One of the partners has been coming on to her, and she's so pissed 33 off, she's talking about leaving.

Anne

Oh, is that all she's fretting over?! I thought it might be something serious! Come on Sinead, cheer up! Don't let the gobshite ruin your big night on the town. You get animals like him everywhere. You've done nothing wrong, you know. It's not your fault!

Sinead

I know it's not my fault, but I can't stand the slime-ball. He's turning my stomach.

Anne

Whatever you do, don't be silly and leave your job over it. You mustn't do that Sinead, believe me. Sean returns with Anne's drink That's lovely!, thanks! You're a star!

Sean Anne

Dat's two fifty please. Anne rummages through her handbag and pays Sean There you go! Thanks a million!

Sean

Tanks! Returns behind counter

Anne

Anne gestures to Una and Sinead and sips her wine. Cheers girls! Nostrovia!

Una

Gestures Cheers, big ears!, and feck the begrudgers!

Sinead

Gestures Good health! Good luck!

Anne

I hope I don't sound too unsympathetic Sinead, but there's absolutely no point in leaving over sexual harassment. If you move to another company, the problem will only surface again in the form of another gormless Tarzan! Men all think with their mickey's! That's elementary home economics!

Una

Yeah, we know all that Anne, but, Sinead is...

Anne

Sinead

Anne

34 Hang on a minute Una! Hear me out on this, please. Look!, the problem's not going to just suddenly disappear overnight. Unsolicited male attention is something most women have to live with. It goes with the turf. What we have to do, is learn how to respond sensibly and decisively to each situation as it arises. That's easy for you to say. It's me that's having my bottom reshaped. Becoming forthright Excuse me Sinead! Before I joined the bank, I worked for two accountancy firms in Dublin, where I was constantly badgered and pestered, especially by the senior managers and partners.

Sinead

Really? I never heard you mention that before.

Anne

Didn't I? I'm sure I must have told you about it. Anyway, that's beside the point. The point is, I didn't leave my job over it. I had to learn to cope.

Una

Life's just one big merry-go-round to you Anne. Sinead is very upset about this prick!

Anne

I'm sorry Sinead! You know I cant help it! It's my star sign! I always try to look on the bright side!

Una

So those years your were working up in Dublin, you actually experienced sexual harassment?

Anne

You sound surprised. Don't tell me you haven't come across it, here in Killyclucker?

Una

Well, obviously I have, but nothing too heavy like Sinead has. So, come here, how serious was the problem in Dublin?

Anne

Una

35 Pretty damn serious I can tell you. One senior partner in particular, Paddy O' Toole, really had the hots for me big time! In fact, one afternoon during a meeting in his office, he suddenly pulled me over his lap, and administered an impromptu spanking! You're not serious? Come on Anne, you expect us to believe that?

Anne OK, I imagined it Una! While Paddy was spanking me, another senior partner, hearing my screams, galloped into the office, quickly sized up the situation, and asked Paddy if it would be OK, to participate in the fun! Sinead

And he allowed it, did he?

Anne

Of course he allowed it, silly! They were both senior partners in the same firm. They played golf together, for heaven's sake! The pair of them, went to the same public school,

read the same comics, drank the same shandy! Una

Come on, your joking? I can't believe this nonsense. So, did he spank you as well?

Anne

Actually, well not exactly. He appeared to be more preoccupied in gently licking my rosy cheeks! Oddly enough though, he seemed to lose interest after a comparatively short time.

Sinead

Was he getting in Paddy's way, do you think?

Anne

No, it wasn't that so much, as I recall. He was on his knees, looking for one of his contact lenses, when he suddenly began to feel severe pains in his chest.

Una

Jesus!, Anne, you could have given the pervert a heart attack!

Sinead

You mean, should have given the pervert a heart attack!

Anne

In fact girls, I did! He passed away peacefully the following day in the Mater Private Hospital and by all accounts, had a very contented smile on his lips! They don't call me 'Killer Butt O'Malley' because I sometimes indulge in the smoking of Havana cigars!

Una

Did this Paddy O' Toole just pick on you in particular?

Anne

No way! All the girls in the Dublin offices were fair game, as far as O' Toole was concerned.

36

Una

Admonishingly So you just tolerated it, did you?

Anne

You must be joking! I reproached him several times, in no uncertain terms. I threatened to report the matter to his colleagues. I even screamed at him once, to 'Feckin leave me alone!,' and then politely advised him, that he was, a 'repulsive, and depraved degenerate,' who should urgently refer himself 'for treatment, to a criminal psychiatrist.'

Sinead

And did that make him stop and leave you alone, then?

Anne

Jesus! He was such a tosser! He used to just laugh in my face. He even insinuated once that I had a secret crush on him!

Una

I can't believe you're so blase about it, Anne.

Anne

Hang on a minute, Una. I did in fact report him to Edwin Pickles, who was one of his senior colleagues.

Una

What did he do about it? Feck all, I expect!

Anne

37 No. I actually overheard him reprimanding Paddy. 'Paddy,' says he, 'try and put yourself in the girls' stilettos. Think of the mental torture your actions are causing them. The heartbreak and anguish, the tearfilled eyes, the sleepless nights.'

Una

Don't tell me, that cheesy verbiage, made the slimy reprobate see some sense?

Anne

To be honest, it didn't seem to bother him. I think he was totally unfazed by any criticism he heard on the matter.

Sinead

What was a sleezeball like that, doing in a firm of professional accountants?

Anne

He wasn't the worst, or the only offender by any means. A director in Tax and Legal Services was nicknamed 'The Fly,' because of his serial assaults! Laughter

Una

'The Fly,' really? Was he able to walk across the ceiling or something?

Anne

No, he wasn't that athletic! He used to drink copiously at lunch-time, and that earned him a reputation as a bit of a bar-fly!

Una

Oh, I see. A typical male specimen, you mean?

Anne

Yes! Later, back in the office, he would wander about all afternoon, in a drunken stuper, with his fly open!

Una

Oh right...I'm beginning to get the picture.

Anne

In the morning, when he was normally more sober, he used to buzz aimlessly around the office; pinching a bottom here, or touching a boob there. We always found him to be very swift and agile, and 38 notoriously difficult to spatter!

Sinead

His nickname was quite apt then, really. There's a manager in our department called 'Ivan the Terrible', but he wouldn't dream of pestering any of us.

Anne

So why do you call him 'Ivan the Terrible'?

Sinead

Well his name is Ivan and he has a terrible smell!

Anne

Really? Doesn't he wash or something?

Sinead

I think it's mainly because he has a terrible propensity, to wear the same shirt to work every day of the week!

Anne

Oh right! Well, at least he doesn't disgust any of you intentionally.

Una

We have a manager in Insurance Services, who's nicknamed 'The Dung Beetle,' but we're eating later, so please don't ask me to explain why! I'd rather not discuss him if you don't mind!

Anne

He sounds like a very charming and pleasant individual!

Una

Believe me!, you don't want to know!

Anne

Another senior partner in Dublin was called 'The Ostrich'! He was always flapping around in a mad panic, trying to do ten jobs at once. At times, the stress and pressure became too much for him, and without warning, he would try to bury his head in your underwear!

Sinead

Jesus!, are you serious? He must have been a dreadful menace?

Anne

Yes, indeed! His antics did cause us considerable embarrassment. Especially in the summer, when you wouldn't normally be wearing 39 any drawers!

Sinead

Animals like that should be caged.

Anne

I think 'The Ostrich' did actually end up doing some time, when the Guards finally managed to catch up with him! He eluded them for a long time apparently, because of his unique ability to sprint at high speeds, in a straight line, over rocky and uneven terrain! I'll have to check that out with Rita, the next time I'm speaking to her. Sinead

So you got quite a lot of hassle when you were working in Dublin?

Anne

My God!, Sinead, it was rampant! You should speak to Debbie sometime. She could tell you some amazing stories of what it was like. We had an English accountant working with us for about nine months, and he really gave us all the creeps. We used to call him 'Spider Willy'! No sorry!, I'm confusing him with somebody else. The English guy was called 'The Spider,' that's right!

Una

Laughing And tell us Anne, how did 'The Fly' get along with 'The Spider'?

Anne

Actually, I don't think there was much love lost between them. I believe they hated each other, in fact. I remember a rumour doing the rounds once, that the pair of them had come to serious blows, arguing over a parking space in the basement!

Sinead

So how did 'The Spider' earn his nickname, then?

Anne

Well, he looked really grotesque for starters, and he always seemed to lurk about in dark places! You'd be sitting at your pc and he'd suddenly appear out of nowhere, and run straight under your desk! All three laugh

Una

Obviously trying to look up your skirt?

Sinead

Especially in the summer!

Anne

That's right! When you screamed at him, to 'piss off', he'd just stare at you vacantly, with his horrible little beady eyes or simply play dead! They quickly sent him packing back to England though, when one of the secretaries complained, that he tried to crawl under her cubicle in the toilets!

Una

Jesus! How pathetic! What a loser! She should have flushed him down the bloody toilet!

Anne

Easier said than done! We had another pest working in Corporate Consultancy, who we suspected had bisexual tendencies. Everyone used to give out about him, as well, before he was jailed for life.

Sinead

Did you have a nickname for him too?

40

Anne

Yes, we called him 'Cyril the Squirrel.' He really used to get on our nerves. He would suddenly run up behind you and grab a hold of your leg. Seconds later, he'd be fiddling with your chest. You'd give him an unmerciful wallop and he'd dart behind you, or run under your legs and start clinging to your backside for dear life! Jesus!, he was such a scourge! And some of the men complained, that he was constantly grabbing at their nuts!

Una

Isn't it funny the nicknames we give people, sometimes? It almost makes them sound harmless, and yet some of them, can be an absolute menace to society.

Anne Una

Well, 'Moby-Dick' was a good case in point. Do you remember him? Never heard of him! Who was he?

Anne

41 He was one of those gangland bosses up in Dublin. Apparently, he had an notorious reputation for violence.

Una

Really?

Anne Sinead

He was brutally murdered himself, a few years ago, as far as I know. I remember reading something about him. He was ruthless. And there was another vicious thug up there, who was called 'The Altar Boy'!

Una

I bet, he didn't spend too much time on his knees?

Anne

It's absurd isn't it, but sometimes, nicknames can be very fitting. We have a horrible manager in the bank at the moment and everyone refers to him as 'The Fuhrer'! Laughter

Una

So, does he live up to his infamous title?

Anne

I think he does. He's an awful stickler for punctuality. He's always checking our time sheets.

Una

I can't stand little macho tossers like that! Has he ever given you any grief?

Anne

He certainly has. I was fifteen minutes late, one Friday morning and he marched up to me, in his jackboots and funny puffed out trousers, and bellowed, 'Vot ist your name?' Says I, joking, 'I'm Fraulein O' Malley.' Then he asked me to explain, why I was late and I told him like, that I had 'simply overslept.' The cheeky bastard! Do you know what he said to me?

Sinead

No. What?

Anne

The cheek of him, honestly! He said to me, 'Ver ist your papers? Show me your passport!' I said, 'Sorry!,...what?,' and he roared at me,...Fluent German 'Wo sind ihre papiere? Zeigen sie mir ihren ausweis!'

Sinead

Jesus! What a weirdo! And I thought I had problems! What did you say to him?

Anne

I said to him, 'Are you for real? You feckin, Nazi eejit!'

Una

Taken aback You're not serious? How did he react?

42

Anne

He ordered me to report immediately, to Herr Commandant O' Flaherty in HR!

Sinead

Were you OK? Did you get a telling off or anything?

Anne

Well, Herr Commandant O' Flaherty, happens to be a cousin of my dad. So I survived it, with a very mild verbal warning! But nobody in the bank can stand the swine.

Una

I'm not surprised.

Anne

He's so unpopular! You wouldn't believe it! I don't think he got one Christmas Card! Every Monday morning, he holds a staff inspection in one of the training areas.

Sinead

A staff inspection? What's all that about?

Anne

Una Anne

He lines us all up, like, and inspects the troops as it were. You should see the tosser! He cuts such a ridiculous figure, in his long trench coat and car park attendant's cap. And wearing his comical little moustache! 43 You mean, the gobshite actually models himself on the real Hitler? Well, he's very rarely mistaken for Dolly Parton!

Sinead

And come here, what sort of things, would he be on the look out for, at these staff inspections?

Anne

Could be anything really. A lock of hair out of place; wrong colour of lipstick, skirt too short. Anything, he considers to be detrimental to the Fatherland!

Sinead

So how come you're wearing a mini?

Anne

I changed before I left the office. Jesus!, if he caught me in a miniskirt, he'd suspend me for a month. Probably, from the ceiling!

Una

I wouldn't work under those conditions, Anne. You must be stupid! Who does he think he is?

Sinead

Can you not report him to head office or something?

Anne

You must be joking? An important client, recently requested to have her account transferred to another bank, and 'Hitler' sent her a letter, advising her that if she moved her account, without his express sanction, he would arrange for her, her family and her neighbours, to be deported to Scunthorpe!

Sinead

I'd very definitely be looking around for something else, if I were you. How could anyone possibly work under those conditions?

Anne

Well, I am actually doing a bit of looking around at the moment.

Una

So come here, how did the interview in London go?

Anne

Well, I don't know really. It could have been worse, I suppose.

44

Sinead

Surprised You were at an interview in London, were you? I didn't hear about that.

Anne

Yeah, City Merchant Bank are currently recruiting investment analysts. So, you know me! I thought, 'What the heck? Nothing ventured, and all that malarkey!'

Sinead

Investment analyst? I didn't think that area would appeal to you, Anne.

Anne

Well, I'm working practically full time in Corporate Finance as it is. So, the work itself wouldn't be such a radical departure.

Una

Working in the City of London though, would be a whole new ball game for you.

Anne

Yes, I'm sure it would. The London markets are massive compared with here. We're only a side show really.

Una

There's quite a few overseas players, already operating out of the

IFSC in Dublin. Don't you think it would suit you better, to look for something in there? Anne

Yeah, I know! It's just that I want to get out of Ireland for a while. Stretch my wings and see a bit of the world. I'd love to work in London for a few years. When myself and Edel stayed in Chelsea that time, it was great! The West End was brilliant!

Una

Didn't you have your money robbed, as soon as you stepped on the Underground?

Anne

Yeah, I did, but sure, that could happen to you anywhere!

Sinead

So you thought the interview went reasonably well, did you?

Anne

Well, I've certainly had better ones, but I didn't think it went too badly, considering. It was my first interview in London, so obviously I was a little bit apprehensive.

Una

Did you stay overnight then, or was it just a quick hop over and back?

Anne

It worked out perfectly, really. I caught an early flight from Dublin at seven in the morning, attended the interview in Bishopsgate at ten, and was back in Dublin at about six that evening.

Una

That was brilliant, wasn't it? And you're quite happy with the way it went?

Anne

Well, you never really know with interviews, do you? Sometimes it's the brutal ones that turn up trumps. It's all useful experience, anyhow.

Sinead

Yeah, I've found that too. And come here, how many interviewed you?

Anne

The selection panel had three men. Three senior executives.

Una

What outfit did you wear to it? Was it that slinky, little blue number with the short skirt?

Anne

Yes, I thought that would be the most eye-catching!

Una

The elegant, sophisticated, girl about town look!

Anne

Well, you know how important first impressions are girls. I had my 46 hair done beautifully and wore some choice pieces from my jewellery collection. The Queen herself wouldn't have had a look in! On the flight across, loads of businessmen were given me the eye!

Sinead

They probably thought you were one of those 'trolley dollies!' So, I suppose you found the interview long and dreary?

Anne

Yes, it was quite long. Almost two hours, in fact.

Una

Was it the usual format? Each person taking turns at interrogating you?

Anne

Yes, it was a bit like that, but I found them all quite friendly really. Three typical English, middle aged farts, laughing at their corny old Irish jokes!

45

Una

Did they ask you anything difficult or tricky?

Anne

No. Nothing I couldn't handle, really.

Sinead

Weren't you nervous at all?

Anne

Of course I was silly! But I found it helpful to imagine, that I was being interviewed by three obnoxious little schoolboys!

Sinead

Did they pry into your private life or anything?

Anne

Una Anne

Somewhat impatiently Listen, I'll tell you how it went basically. At the start of the interview the guy in the middle says to me, 'OK Anne, would you like to tell the panel something about yourself and your experience to date?' So I switched to automatic and was churning out the usual spiel, when I noticed that the interviewer on the left of the panel was winking at me! 47 Puzzled Winking at you? Amorously, like? Well that's how I interpreted it. I could have been mistaken. He may have had some kind of medical condition or a fly in his eye or something!

Una

Jesus! What was his problem, I wonder? Didn't that, knock you off your tracks?

Anne

No. It didn't bother me too much at the time. I thought to myself, 'He's definitely in the bag! I won't need to do a hard sell job on that particular header!'

Sinead

So you felt things were beginning to go your way?

Anne

Yes, I did as a matter of fact. The middle guy quized me on why I wanted to work in Capital Markets and I proceeded to bullshit him as best I could!

Una

As one does!

Anne

As one does! And while I was explaining my decision I thought it might be prudent to return a wink to the fella on the left, keep him sort of sweet, like, as it were!

Una

So, you decided to reciprocate his wink? Right!, I see.

Anne

Yes I found an opportunity, to give him a sexy little wink on the sly, but unfortunately your man in the middle, picked it up immediately and assumed I'd meant it for him!

Sinead

Are you serious? How could you tell?

Anne

48 Well during the rest of his questioning, he began licking his lips and winking away at me furiously, with both eyes!

Una

I don't know how you managed to keep a straight face!

Anne

I nearly wet my knickers to be honest! The goon in the middle, then asked me, what contribution I felt I could make to their organization, and during my reply, I began to make eyes at him! You know, like, to keep him sweet as well. But then, didn't your man on the right of the panel, mistake my amorous signals for himself, and he began to

wink away at me, like his life depended on it! Jesus!, it was so hilarious! Sinead

So your saying, that midway through the interview all three of them were winking at you, like a set of traffic lights?

Anne

Well, more or less. It was gas!, wasn't it?

Sinead

You're telling me! What a crazy situation to be in. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall at that interview!

Una

Sounds like it wasn't going too badly for you all the same.

Anne

I didn't think it was all plain sailing by any means.

Una

Was it not? I thought you said the questions were straightforward?

Anne

The problem really started I think, with the guy on the left. The one who I'd thought earlier was in the bag. He began by saying to me, Exaggerated upper-class English accent. 'Hello Anne, I'm Christopher, but you can call me Chris.' 'Hi Chris' says I, with an impish little grin. 'I have only two questions, really,' says he, 'which I'd like you to reflect on for a moment and try to answer as truthfully as possible,' as he casually flicked through my 49 CV. I thought to myself, 'Here we go!'

Una

Yeah, I know, that sinking feeling!

Anne

The questions themselves, were quite simple really. Firstly, he asked, where did I see myself 'career wise in five years time,' and secondly, would I be interested in joining him 'for a spot of lunch, at a super Japanese restaurant,' when the interview had concluded.

Sinead

So he obviously had taken a shine to you? I thought so.

Anne

Well draw your own conclusions.

Una

That was very awkward for you, Anne. How did you manage to wriggle out of it?

Anne

A bit clumsily really. Looking back on it now, I'm sure I could have handled it in a more professional manner.

Sinead

Well every interview is a learning experience.

Anne

Too true! So anyway, I was sitting there pondering his questions, when he began to tap impatiently on the desk with his fingers and asked me would I 'kindly get a move on,' as 'the panel' had 'more candidates to assess after lunch.'

Sinead

The arrogant bastard! Imagine having lunch with the likes of that!

Anne

Una

So I said to him, 'You'd really like me to answer as truthfully as possible?' 'My dear,' says he smugly, 'I'm quite unfamiliar with life in your country, but here, in this proud land of England, the land of Shakespeare and Milton, Winston Churchill and 'Jack the Ripper'!, we adhere to the strictest ethical codes of business practice. 'I insist,' says he, 'or rather I demand, that not a single falsehood, or misrepresentation be uttered from those ravishing lips for the remainder of this interview! 'Very well,' says I, 'I'll do my best to facilitate your request!' Indignant Ravishing lips! He actually said that to you?

Anne

He did, yes.

Una

Jesus!, what an gobshite! Would you like to work with people like him?

Anne

I don't know. He couldn't be any worse than 'The Fuhrer', could he?! Anyway it's early days yet.

Una

So what did you say to him, then?

Anne

Una

'In five years time,' says I, defiantly, 'if everything goes according to plan, I hope to be either a highly successful model, strutting the catwalks of Milan, or a world famous actress, living in Hollywood!' 'Oh really!,' says he, sarcastically, 'and how do you see your career unfolding Ms O' Malley, in the unlikely event, that you should fail to realise your aspirations, in those particular areas?' 'Please correct me, Chris,' says I, 'if I've misinterpreted your question, but I infer from the cynical, and perhaps hostile inflection in your voice, that you would appear to be casting an element of doubt, over my future ability, to successfully model top designer labels, or star in major US film productions.' 'Well,' says I, 'let me state quite categorically and unequivocally at the outset, that realistically speaking, such an utcome is virtually impossible, and it's only eejits, like yourself, living in cloud-cuckoo land, who would entertain it!' 'But,' says I, 'to answer your question in a hypothetical or suppositional sense, should the scenario you outline, inadvertently manifest itself, I will undoubtedly have already launched my career as a solo pop sensation!' 51 You fool! Have you no sense of decorum? You must have really got his back up, speaking to him like that!

Anne

'Oh', says he, a little miffed, 'you don't appear to have mentioned a talent for singing on your CV, Ms O' Malley?' 'That's because' says I, 'I don't in fact possess, a particular talent for singing Chris. But as any eejit will tell you, every duck can quack and every pig can grunt! It's looks, looks, looks, that's everything in the world of show business!' 'Oh, and incidentally Chris', says I, 'now that we're on first name terms, and in case you haven't noticed, your toupee is on back to front, dear boy, and quite frankly, it makes you look ridiculous!' 'Thanks for advising me', says he, blushing and sweating profusely. 'I was in rather a hurry to catch my train at St Albans this morning.' 'Don't mention it,' says I, curling my ravishing lip, 'you're among friends!'

Una

Anne you made a booby there, I think. You should have ignored his rug! Go on anyway. How did you get on with the second question?

Anne

Well he asked me to be honest, so I said to him. 'It's very kind of you Chris to invite me out to lunch, but I flew over in search of employment, not in search of raw fish or romance!' 'Besides', says I, matter of factly, 'you wouldn't really be my type!' 'Oh', he replied, somewhat shaken, 'why do you say that?' 'Well', says I, looking him innocently in the eye, 'where do I begin?' 'Take a look at yourself, for God's sake!'

Sinead

Anne

Anne, you definitely blew it, you know. You were far too cheeky with him.

Just a second Sinead, let me finish please. He wanted me to be candid, didn't he? So I said to him, 'Chris, with all due respect, you're nothing, but a conceited and corpulent, bat-eared, little toerag!, and if you want a bit of free advice, from the proud and historic town of 52

Killyclucker, invest urgently in some powerful deodorant, find yourself about those ghastly warts!' Sinead

a new dentist and do something

That was a bit over the top, Anne, don't you think? The poor man must have been mortified.

Anne

Really? Do you think so? My mother always drummed into us, the importance of honesty. 'Honesty is the best policy,' she was always preaching.

Sinead

Yeah, but not literally. You have to use a bit of tact and discretion, sometimes! So, come here, how did you get on, with the third interviewer? The guy on the right?

Anne

Well not much better. I found him to be a bit insulting, in fact. He was Nigel. A very pompous, old school boy type, with an accent on him, that made Prince Charles sound like a road worker!

Sinead

Really?

Copies superior upper-class diction 'Good morning pimple face!,' he began. 'I can see from some of the caustic replies you have made to my colleague's questions, that you appear to be lacking in some of the finer social graces. Do you find it difficult sometimes, to deal with people civilly on a one-to-one?' Anne

Una

But, you were being quite abusive to Chris, Anne.

Anne

Hang on a second Una, don't interrupt me please. Well, naturally, I was a bit offended by his personal comments, and so I said to him defensively. 'Excuse me, monkey arse features! Who do you think your talking to? I'm not some hussy, you're after picking up at King's Cross! I consider myself to possess very strong inter-personal skills.' 'Ms O' Malley,' says he curtly, 'you have been in this room for little 53 more than an hour, and already a senior colleague is sobbing inconsolably, as a result of your unkind, insensitive, and hurtful remarks' 'He's very easily offended!,' I quipped, 'I was only pointing out a few home truths' 'Well, pimple face,' says he, 'you can rest assured, it's not the type of behaviour, City Merchant condones.' 'Excuse me', says I, 'are you blind as well as feeble minded?' Unlike yourself, I don't happen to suffer from spots or pimples, or ugly facial blemishes!' 'Apart from a few hundred freckles', says I, 'my face is the very picture of uncommon radiance, health and captivating beauty!' Sinead Jesus!, Anne. You lost the run of yourself, entirely! You're not Sharon Stone, you know! Anne

Not yet!

Sinead

Dream on!

Una

I'm surprised at you Anne! You handled it very badly, for someone of your calibre.

Anne

I was a bit clumsy, I know, but, I didn't really set out to offend any of them. It just kind of developed spontaneously, if you know what I mean!

Sinead

You're too quick to retaliate, at the slightest provocation, that's your problem! They must have thought, they were interviewing a right old battle axe!

Anne

Thanks very much!

Una

She's right though Anne! You don't believe in pulling your punches, do you? I mean, the vacancy was for an investment analyst, not for a super bitch, mark two, with a chrome

finish! Laughter

Anne

54 Get real!, will you. I'm a happy, fun person, not some super bitch!

Sinead

Well, I'd say you had them fooled!

Anne

I know it comes across like that, but you weren't there. It was just nerves really!

Sinead

And more than a smattering of arrogance, by the sound of it.

Anne

I'm not arrogant!, just a little hyper under pressure, maybe!

Una

I think you should have bolted as soon as the winking began.

Anne

Sinead Una

Yeah, well it crossed my mind, a few times, but I thought, feck it! I'd really like this job and I've gone to a lot of trouble already, so anyway try and salvage the situation.

Turning to Una and nodding her head sarcastically. Will you listen, to her? Salvage the situation! Jesus!, she would have needed a miracle! So what did you say to them Anne? Did you turn the charm tap on to full flow, or just flash them your knickers!?

Anne

Laughing No I didn't show them my drawers! I've already given one man a heart-attack, doing that!

Sinead

Yeah, but you weren't wearing any drawers that day!

Anne

Sinead Anne

to cut a long story short, I began to

That's beside the point. With the benefit of hindsight, I would have been more suitably attired! So anyway, I said to Nigel sweetly. 'Listen honey-bun!, we can sit here and trade insults, till the cows come home, but it's hardly the most effective way, to go about recruiting investment analysts.' 'You can see from my CV,' says I, 'that I'm highly qualified and highly experienced, in that particular field.' 'Why don't you give me the opportunity, to prove myself?,' I suggested. 'You could quite possibly, find me to be an invaluable asset to the firm.' 'OK,' says he, 'that sounds positive and reasonable. I like to see assertiveness in women.' 'After all,' says he, 'this is no business for shrinking violets! But, before we can move on with your application, you must first apologise to Chris.' So you had to apologise to that little ass wipe? It wasn't that odious a task, really! I stood up immediately, and went over and gently put my arm around him. I pleaded with him softly... 'There!, there!, Chris, stop crying!, it's OK baby!' Says I, 'Be a good little boy now and stop crying for mammy!' 'You're going to be just fine!,' says I. 'Mammy didn't mean the horrible, nasty things she said,' says I. Then I cleaned up his miserable, wet, snotty little face with a tissue. I straightened out his tie, fixed his toupee, tucked in his shirt, and insisted I was only coddin him about the warts! I told him, that they actually made him look very distinguished, cultured and horny!

Una

So he was happy enough with that, then, was he?

Anne

I think so. He seemed to quickly recover his composure. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, scratched his arse a few times and then scurried off to the little boys' room, to play with his marbles!

Una

Well fair play to you Anne! I've got to hand it to you!

Anne

The guy in the middle then gave me a farewell hug! He thanked me

Sinead

Anne

Una

for attending and advised me that I would be hearing from them in due course. So there you are girls! It didn't turn out too badly, I suppose. If all goes well I should be called for a second interview, with some of the directors. 56 I'm delighted for you 'Pimple Face!' Try to be a little more courteous and diplomatic next time round, won't you? Don't worry! I'm a fast learner! So, are we all ready to party, party, party? Checking her watch We're getting there I think! Some of the girls want to meet up in Nero's at about nine, so it's time we were making a move.

Anne

How many do you think will turn up? Should be quite a crowd of us, I'd imagine.

Una

Yeah, well if we all show at 'The Vortex', there could be as many as twenty.

Anne

And that's including Debbie and Helen?

Una

I hope so! I was speaking to Helen earlier and she said they could definitely make it.

Anne

Should be one hell of a party then?

Una

We'll have a bit of craic, alright!

Anne

'The Vortex' will probably be packed by the time we arrive.

Sinead

Friday night, what do you expect? I bet you won't be able to budge in it.

Anne

The music in that place is fantastic, isn't it? That skinny little DJ, Mark, is such a header! Where the hell did they find him?

Una

He's from the North, somewhere, I think.

Sinead

I love 'The Vortex'. It's the best club in town.

Anne

Don't you like Sabrina's?

Sinead

It closes too early, for my liking. 'The Vortex' will serve you, up to 4a.m.

Anne

The VIP bar in Sabrina's, is brilliant! That's where I met Enrico!

Sinead

Yeah, I like it there too, but I'd still prefer 'The Vortex'. Remember the last time we were there? Those gorgeous, sexy hunks on the dance floor?

Una

Yeah. One guy was wearing a black top and white denims. God!, he was something else, wasn't he? Tanya was trying her best to chat him up, remember?

Sinead

Oh, you mean the tall one, that's right!, with the quiff and long sideburns. Jesus!, he was really hot!, wasn't he? Had a body a girl could kill for!

Una

He knew it though, didn't he? I'd say his main occupation was mirror gazing! But, to give credit, where credit is due, girls, he was blessed with a fine looking ass! Laughter

57

Anne

I thought it was too petite! It looked like two eggs in a hankie! Laughter

Sinead

Yeah, but perfect for hanky panky! Laughter

Una

Yeah, I'm quite partial to 'The Vortex' myself, I must say. It's so friendly and intimate. I love the way everyone in there is so laid back. Even the staff are good craic, aren't they? 58

Sinead

Apart from that doorman!

Una

Which doorman?

Sinead

The one with the shaved head and the scar on his face!

Una

Oh, 'Rambo', you mean!

Anne

He's a fierce eejit that fella! He thinks, he owns the place!

Una

He could do, for all you know.

Anne

Get real!

Sinead

That DJ, plays absolutely brilliant music, but he's such a little tosser, isn't he! He thinks, he's Puff Daddy!

Anne

Yeah, Puff Daddy crossed with Joe Dolan, more like! Laughter So are some of us going to Debbie's later?

Una

That's the plan at the minute. Nothing's been finalized. You know yourself what the taxies are like.

Anne

Right, so, we'll head on over then, shall we?

Una

Yeah, sure. Let's go kick some ass!

Sinead

Pull some ass!, you mean. Laughter

Sinead

All three wave farewell to Sean and exit through right door of stage. Thank-you, bye!

Una

Thank's a million!, see ya.

Anne

Cheers!, thanks!

Sean

Good luck!, ladies. Take care now! All the best!

59

FADE TO BLACK

60 ACT TWO Opening scene Sean is behind the counter of the bar and is preoccupied with various bar duties. Two middle-aged farmers enter the bar, through the door which the girls have just departed through. The two, Paddy O' Hanlon and Seamus Fogarty are friends, aged roughly mid-forties. Both are heavy set with thick sideburns and are dressed casually. Paddy is wearing a peak-cap, red jersey, black trousers and wellingtons. Seamus is dressed in a peak-cap, brown jacket, jeans and wellingtons. Both men speak with strong country brogues. The two farmers walk over to the front right hand section of the bar, facing the audience and select a stool each. Sean

Hello!, lads. How's she cuttin? Yis are lookin well!

Paddy

Great Sean!, great! Never felt better! How's da form?

Sean

Not too bad at all, tank God! Two pints, yeah?

Paddy

Aye, grand!

Seamus

How's it goin Sean?

Sean

Grand!

Seamus

It's a dirty auld avenin, isn't it?

Sean

Aye. It's been very cowld and wet, these past couple of days.

Seamus

Who were those tree lassies, dat's just after lavin? Da tree good lookin dollies?

Sean

I couldn't tell ya. Never seen them in here before.

Paddy

Bejasus!, they were fine lookin specimens, so they were! 'Blondie' had a great pair of legs on her! 61 Removes a ten pound note from rear trouser pocket. I'm sure da wan, wit da head of black hair on her, belongs to da Co-op Galligans.

Seamus

Paddy

Aye, she looked like wan of them Galligans, right enough!

Sean

Seamus

Placing a pint of Guinness in front of each man. There ya go boys! Two ice cowld cramey pints, waitin for da pair of ya! What more could yis want? Handing over note to Sean Good man!, Sean. Fresh and well, yer lookin!

Paddy

Both men proceed to take long slow sips Ahh, dat tastes powerful! Ye can't bate a good pint of stout! Gestures Good Health!

Seamus

Gestures Slainte! Begod!, I needed dat, so I did!

Paddy

Dis pub has da best pint in Killyclucker!

Seamus

Aye, it's a toppin pint!

Paddy

Sean leaves change on counter next to Seamus Takin a rise out of auld Murphy is fierce thirsty work, altogether!

Seamus

I'd say, he'll hardly make it in. He was well banjaxed!

Paddy

Aye. He's gettin a bit too long in da tooth, for dat sort of craic!

Seamus

Ya hardly ever see him in town these days. He's far too mane to spend money!

Paddy

Quigley squeezed a few pound out of him, aisy enough. Turning 62 to Sean So, tell us Sean, did ya get any craic out of da tree dollies?

Sean

Ah, they were very quiet and unassumin, so they were. Professional types like, didn't stay too long.

Paddy

Turning to Seamus They probably scared da livin daylights out of him!

Seamus

Did ya not see him, cowerin behind da bar as we came in?

Sean

Paddy

Defensively They'd be well out of yer class boys, dat's for sure! They'd chew yis up, spit yis out, and send yis home on yer tractors, back to yer mammies! Winking at Seamus I don't know about dat Sean. Meself and Seamus were wance voted, da two sexiest men at da Farmers' Ballroom in Corrleggylass, when yer were still runnin around in yer sister's bloomers!

Sean

Aye, once bein da operative word, and never agin in a month of Sundas, da after, da operative words!

Paddy

Jasus!, Sean, have ya been chewin at a dictionary? Turning to Seamus So, how's Mary and da clatter of brats?

Seamus

Ah, no complaints, tanks be to God! They're all grand. How's Bridgie keepin? I haven't see her dis long time.

Paddy

There's not a bother on her!, now, to tell ya da truth. She's havin a ceili over in Gaffney's at da minute.

Seamus

She likes to be out and about, I suppose.

63 Paddy

Aye, there's no harm in it.

Sean

Polishing glasses I hear dat O'Leary one's been at da shopliftin agin.

Seamus

Is dat right? Where did they nail her dis time?

Sean

I heard, she was caught red-handed, in Mc' Breen's.

Paddy

Was she begod? I wonder, what she was after?

Sean

Well, accordin to Missus O' Gorman, she lifted a packet of rashers, a jar of French mustard, and a tin of mackerel fillets in curry sauce!

Paddy

Lord bless us! She's an awful woman! They'll have to bring back floggin!

Seamus

It's about time, they locked dat hoor up.

Sean

She'll be up in front of Justice Mc Sterne next week, so God help her!

Paddy

A couple of months behind bars, wouldn't do her any harm. Knock a bit of sense into dat tick skull of hers. Ye'd tink a pensioner like herself, would have a bit more cop on!

Sean

Missus O' Gorman was sayin, dat they had a fierce job, altogether, puttin her in da squad car.

Seamus

Is dat a fact?

Sean

Aye. Seeminly, she wrassled four of da local guards to da floor, in Mc Breen's, and durin da scuffle, a stack of beans and a stand of apple tarts went flyin.

Seamus

Aye. Well she might be small, but ya wouldn't want to underestimate her, now!

Sean

Missus O' Gorman was tellin me, dat, they had to call in reinforcements from Craicnahooley and Corrleggylass.

Paddy

Yer coddin?

Sean

She was sayin dat tree of da local guards are off sick, wit posttraumatic stress disorder, and Sergeant Tierney from Craicnahooley in still in hospital, wit a badly bitten face and a pair of sore bollicks!

Paddy

It served him right! Dat hoor's as ignorant as a kish of brogues, like his father before him! Da odd kick in da arse, won't do him any harm!

Seamus

Would she be anyting to them Finnerty's over at 'Skeleton Quarry'?

Sean

Aye, she'd be a sister of Nora Finnerty. Her younger sister Minnie, is married to da 'Hog Maguire' of Windy Mountain Holla.

Paddy

Da 'Hog Maguire'?...Isn't he related by marriage to Fr. Flanagan's housekeeper?

Sean

Aye. Well Fr. Flanagan's housekeeper, is a second cousin, once removed to Joey Cullivan, and Joey Cullivan's aunt Agnes, was a

64

daughter-in-law to Angela Mc Niff's, granduncle, Phelim, on da father's side. Paddy

Sean Paddy

So, Angela Mc Niff, would be a turd cousin, four times removed, to Missus O' Gorman's nephew, Hughie? And dat would make Hughie, a distant relative of 'Myles da Flasher' from Bornaheifer, who threw himself into Lower Drumrainy lake, after someone burned down his hay shed and strangled his turkey! 65 Aye, dat's right! Dat manes, Fr Flanagan's housekeeper, must be a second cousin, tree times removed, to Fr. Maurice Brady of Lackincash.

Seamus

Aye. It's a small world, isn't it?!

Paddy

Aye, God knows!

Sean

Still polishing glasses I see they're after openin a lap dancin club up in Dublin.

Seamus

Is dat where they do da line-dancin? I hear it's catchin on.

Sean

Laughing It's dancin alright, but dancin be naked women!

Paddy

Strippers like?

Sean

Aye, there's rakes of them goin to it!

Seamus

Why do da call it lap-dancin?

Sean

Well, da men go in, sit down, like, and order a few pints.

Seamus

Aye, go on.

Sean

Then da naked women, come over to their tables and dance for them, like.

Seamus

Like go-go dancers, ya mane?

Sean

Aye, they wiggle their arses at da men, and shake their headlights in their faces!, like. But, ya can't touch da women, mind ya. 66 You're very knowledgeable for an auld clodhopper!

Paddy Sean

Da brother up in Dublin, was tellin me all about it, so he was.

Seamus

So ye'd be inside dis place, havin a couple of stouts and naked women, would be dancin all over ya?

Sean

Aye.

Seamus

Japers!, dat's a fret! And they'd be in their skin, like, not a stitch on them?

Sean

Aye, well, apart from a wee string of dental floss around their arse, like, to cover their modesty!

Paddy

Sure every street corner in London, has establishments like dat Seamus. I'd say da hoors know how to charge!

Sean

They're not at it for da benefit of their health, dat's for sure!

Seamus

And, ya say it's busy?

Sean

Aye, businessmen, politicians, civil servants, they're flockin to it. Like bees round a cask! Can't keep them out of da place!

Seamus

Da country's gone sex mad altogether!

Paddy

Aye, it has surely! Do yis remember a few years ago? T'was about five or six years back, I'd say. There was a pub below in Kerry, I tink, they called it, 'Da Strippin Lassie'.

Seamus

Aye, vaguely. I might have heard somethin about it, alright.

Paddy

When word of da strippers got out, it was da busiest pub in da 67 country!

Sean

I'm not surprised!

Paddy

Da local bishop kicked up a fierce stink, altogether. I heard, it was forced to close after a couple of months.

Sean

Still polishing glasses, wiping counter, etc. I didn't tink, them Kerry lassies would be into dat line of occupation?

Paddy

Sure no daycint lassie would carry on like dat. They had to ferry da strippers across from Hollyhead.

Seamus

Welsh women have no shame in them, at all!

Paddy

Not at all! They'd strip for a couple of biscuits!

Seamus

Aye, or a pound of leeks!

Paddy Seamus

Mind ya, they're not as shameless, as some of them Scottish lassies. Is dat right?

Paddy

Aye. When I was on me honeymoon, in Glasgow, I took Bridgie into 'Da Highland Fling' on Aberdeen St., for a feed, of haggis. Begod!, I never saw da like! Talk about strippers! There was naked lassies behind da bar, naked lassies dancin on da tables, naked lassies swingin from da chandeliers. Even da waitresses, were barin all. It was a horrid experience, now, to tell ya da truth! I was very shocked and disgusted, so I was. WouId ya believe, I had to wait over an hour to get served! Jasus!, I nearly died, of da thirst, da way me heart was poundin!

Seamus

Sounds like, da were havin a great auld shindig.

Paddy

Aye, well, Scotland had just bate-in France at da rugby, like, and da place was heavin to da rafters.

68

Seamus

Well da Scots, always knew, how to celebrate, I suppose!

Paddy

Aye, they know how to celebrate, all right, but begod, Finishes sentence with sarcastic Scotch accent…they nay have a clue, how to cook! Poor Bridgie, was 'pebbledashin' for days, after aytin dat bloody haggis, whatever da hell, was in it!

Seamus

Yis were fierce eejits to go near it! Why do ya tink Scots invented da kilt?! I wouldn't feed haggis to a pig!

Sean

I don't suppose yis heard, dat business about da sex shop, dat's

after openin up in Dublin? I tink, they call it 'La Femme Fatale'. Da brother was tellin me about it, there, recently. Paddy

He's highly observant, yer brother!

Sean

Aye, he is! He doesn't miss much, now!

Seamus

Dis 'La Femme' place, is it some kind of hoor house, then?

Sean

Paddy

No, no! It wouldn't be anyting like dat! They sell sexy underwear and marital aids. Stuff like dat! Seeminly, da Corporation tried to stop them from tradin on a Sunda. Is dat right?

Sean

Aye, but da shop took them to court and won their case. I hear it's goin great guns!

Seamus

Sellin underwear like?

Sean

Aye, fancy knickers and whips, and bicycle pumps!

Paddy

Turning to Seamus and joking Ya should take a run up there, some Saturda, Seamus, and buy somethin sexy for Mary!

69

Seamus

Somethin sexy for Mary? Are ya coddin me? Sure, she doesn't let me near her! Dat part of me constitution was fossilized years ago!

Paddy

Nodding his head towards Sean Like yer man's brain?

Seamus

Laughing Aye, only not dat terminal!

Paddy

Seamus

Mary's a good, honest to God, clane livin country woman. I see her drivin off to Mass there, every mornin. Affectionately Aye, she's very pious, right enough! Sometimes she'll go twice a day, or even more, if it's a Holy Day of Obligation. We've been married now for twenty years, and I declare to God, I've never seen her boobalums! She wears an anorak and a pair of auld overalls to bed, and never takes a bat, witout her swimsuit! Even wit da swimsuit on her, she'll take out, da light bulb, or wait till I'm out of da kitchen, before she'll climb into da barrel! Laughter

Paddy

Would dat be da auld fashioned type of swimsuit?

Seamus

Aye, she wouldn't be into, da eye-patch, now, or da dental floss! As a matter of fact, Mary never has any call to be buyin dental floss, aither to cover her rump, or to wipe her teeth.

Sean Seamus

Paddy

She's good at watchin da pennies, is she? 70 No, no, it's nothin to do wit da money. She was fortunate enough, to inherit a magnificent set of false teeth, from her paternal grandfather! She be's as proud as Punch, wearin them to da bingo or when she's doin her devotions at da Cathedral. Somewhat puzzled And tell us Seamus, did her grandfather's false teeth fit her OK?

Seamus

No. Mary was a few inches taller than her grandfather, so they wouldn't have been a perfect fit, like. I mind her tellin me wance, dat she thought, they made her 'look like a horse!' Sez I, 'If ya know what's good for ya, never let a horse overhear ya, sayin dat.' 'He might tink ya meant it!,' sez I.

Paddy

Aye, some horses have a shockin poor sense of humour. Auld Maggie O' Connor, beside us, there, had a very serious run in, wit a young stallion a few years back.

Sean

Is dat a fact?

Paddy

Aye. She was spreadin some cow dung over a couple of meadas, and had da young stallion pullin a cart over and back, from her byer to da fields.

Seamus Paddy

I see, aye. After a couple of hours, of heavy work, da horse decided to take a wee breather, and began to tear on a bit of auld grass. Sez Maggie, yankin impatiently, at da reins. 'Get da hell up out of dat!, ya useless, good for nothin, mule headed auld bollix!'

Seamus

Aye. She was in a hurry, no doubt.

Paddy

Well, da young stallion, took shockin umbrage at her idle remarks. 71 He let fly wit his back legs, and knocked out six of her front teeth. The poor woman was in a coma for weeks, at da County Hospital and they say, she'll need a wheelchair permanently.

Sean

Jasus! Dat was desperate! Was she badly hurt, like?

Paddy

She was very poorly for a long time, I can tell ya. A guard was tellin me, dat she accepted their advice, to press for formal charges against her assailant!

Sean

She obviously took it very bad, then?

Paddy

Aye. Well, he had no previous form, like, and was hopeful, he'd be let off, with just a caution or a good horsewhippin! But Maggie's injuries were so bad, like, da matter was bound to end up in da courts.

Seamus

So, how did he get on at da horse trials?

Paddy

He was charged initially wit attempted murdher, but da charge was later lowered to GBH wit intent, when he pleaded da defence of tempry insanity, be varcha of severe vexation!

Sean

Did da judge go aisy on him?

Paddy

For breakin her back, he was sentenced to five years. For breakin her legs, he was sentenced to four years, to run concurrently, and for breakin her neck, he was sentenced for six years, to run in da Grand National at Aintree! Da trial judge refused lave to appeal severity of sentence, but wit good behaviour, he expects to be let out to grass, in about seven years time.

Seamus

Japers! Ya have to be shockin careful, what ya say in front of horses. Some of them are fierce highly strung, altogether! I be 72 constantly at Mary to mind her tongue, when she's workin wit them.

Paddy

Seamus

And tell me, do ya tink yerself, dat da wife looks like a horse, when she's wearin da grandfather's false teeth? No, not when she's wearin them! But, bejasus!, ya should see her witout them! When she takes them out at night, to brush her gums, she's da spit and image of an auld nag! If she had da winkers on her, now, I wouldn't be fit to tell da difference!

Sean

Jasus!, Seamus, yer an awful man!

Paddy

Her grandfather must have been shockin fond of her, altogether, to lave her such a handy gadget.

Seamus

Aye, she's very grateful to auld John Joe, for lavin them to her. There's plenty of other family members, I'm tellin ya, would have given their back teeth, to get a howld of them; if they'd have had any back teeth, to give, like! Seven of her twelve brothers and sisters haven't a tooth between them, bejasus!, whatever da hell, da mudder was feedin them on!

Sean

Is dat a fact? It must save them a fortune in toothpicks!

Seamus

Aye, it must. They're a highly valyable set of false teeth, ya know. Mary was tellin me wance, dat they were made by a skilled blacksmith in Belfast, about da year 1845. What's dis, she said his name was? I'm sure, she said it was P.V. or P.J. somethin. Aye, I'm sure, she said his name was P.J. Gumley. They used to say, he was 'da best smithy in Ulster.' Could turn his hand to anyting.

Paddy

A real craftsman like?

Seamus 73

Aye. Seeminly, he started to do a wee sideline in false teeth for local Antrim farmers, after he conducted a couple of successful experiments, makin false teeth for auld nags, dat had been rejected by da knacker's yard!

Sean

Seamus Paddy

Laughing So, P.J. Gumley, was makin false teeth for horses as far back as 1845? Laughing Aye, he was very enterprizin, wasn't he? I'd like to have met da man! 1845?, ya say. Dat would be about da time of da famine? Sure, dat would be well before John Joe's time. He can't have been, da original owner of da false teeth?

Seamus

Aye, well right enough, he wasn't! Of coorse, he never liked to admit it. Auld John Joe was fierce proud, ya know. But Mary did mention to me, wan time, dat accordin to her father, Benny, Lord have mercy on him!, John Joe bought them, from a poor skitter, he met in a pub, in Killeshandra, who was tryin to raise da price of da boat fare to America!

Paddy

It just goes to show, how good dat Gumley fella was. Craftsmen, took a good dale of pride in their work, them times.

Seamus

Aye, yer right there Paddy. There's no way, da false teeth, da make nowadays, would last two or three hundred years.

Paddy

Jasus! Ye'd be lucky if da lasted half dat time, so ya would.

Seamus

Mary inherited several items of valya from auld John Joe, dat she's very sentimental about, and wouldn't dhrame of partin wit.

Sean Seamus

Is dat right? 74 Aye. Ya know, those auld hob-nail boots, she wears to Bornaheifer Mart? Those belonged to John Joe, wan time.

Paddy

Did she find them a better fit, than da false teeth, itself?

Seamus

No. I'm afraid she didn't. She's only a size seven and a half wellinton, but yer man wore a size ten hob-nail!

Sean

She must find them a bit on da loose side, so?

Seamus

Aye, she would, witout da straw and sawdust, I suppose.

Paddy

Yer were sayin, John Joe left her, some other yokes?

Seamus

Aye. He left her, his auld fiddle. John Joe was a great fiddler in his day, ya know. He played at venyas, up and down da country, before he took a notion wan day, to skedaddle off, to America.

Paddy

Did he begod?

Seamus

Aye, he did. Like millions of other poor unfortunates, who left da country before him. Driven out be da hunger and da English, wit no arse in their trousers! He was out there, ya know, da best part of twenty years, before he came home and bought half da townland, of Killyfeckinskitter.

Paddy

Some of them fellas, did very well for themselves in America. I have a hape of relatives in Boston and Chicago, meself. Though of coorse, I never met any of da Yankee gilloots!

Sean

Me brother Paudie's been out in New York now, for da past four years, and sez it's a grand wee place, apart from da muggins, and stabbins, and hourly massacres! He phoned me up, there, da other night, to tell me, dat they're after openin a new barber's shop, on da 75 corner of East 86th and Turd Avena, dat's only chargin tree dollars, twenty five cents, for a short back and sides, if ya go in, off a Tuesda mornin!

Paddy

Begod!, he's nearly as observant, as da boyo in Dublin? It's no wonder yer so well informed!

Sean

Aye. He's just as cute, so he is!

Seamus

Auld John Joe, eventually became a business typhoon, out there, and made a....

Sean

Interrupting Business tycoon Seamus!

Seamus

Aye, dat's what I'm after sayin, business typhoon, and he made himself a fortchin in construction and real estate, before he came home. It was said, he built half of Manhatten, wit his bare hands!

Paddy

Japers! Ya can see, now, why, Mary's so hard to bate at da arm wrasslin! So tell us, does she ever take up da fiddle, he left her?

Seamus

Aye, she scrapes at it, now and agin, when she's feelin a bit sentimental, like. But to be truthful, now, I find it very hard on me nerves! I be always at her, to take lessons on da tin whistle instead, as she seems to be able, to extract far more melody from dat

particular instrument. Paddy

Aye, I've seen her play da tin whistle meself, da odd time, in Gaffney's. She likes to mix it, wit a bit of auld tap-dancin! She be's great gaff to watch, altogether! Leppin about like a crazy baboon on da kitchen table and lettin ya see her purple drawers!

Seamus

Dat's right! She's shockin fond of da tap-dancin, so she is. Did yis 76 ever hear, she wance auditioned for Riverdance?

Paddy

I wasn't aware of dat, no. How did she get on? It would have been a great openin for her, altogether.

Seamus

Slightly downbeat Ah, not great! I'm not too sure, now, how she did. She never liked to talk about it much. Seeminly, she scored high on technical ability, but I tink da sight of her two knobbly knees, and da size ten hobnails, clatterin across da stage, was just too much, for even da bravest stomachs!

Sean

Well, ye'd have to admire her for tryin, da poor divil!

Seamus

She often reminisces, ya know, about, how she took up da tap dancin as a wee nipper, all those years ago. I tink she was no more than seven or eight, when she started.

Sean

Aye, dat was a fairly young age to larn, God knows. Did her people, send her out to a tap dancin school, like?

Seamus

No. As a matter of fact, she was self larnt, entirely. As a youngster, she was sent to live wit her auntie, Katie Daly, in a thatched cottage, in da townland of Kiltanagginhure, in Co. Cavan.

Paddy

Aye, drumlin country! Sure I know it well! It's full of whins, and thistles, and mane bastards who'd take da milk from yer tay!

Sean

Go on Seamus. Never mind him!

Seamus

So anyway, Mary had to sleep in da loft, and durin da night, especially in da summer months, da floor would become alive, wit all manner of beetles, spiders and earwigs! Little Mary, would be in no mood, to share her humble sleepin quarters, wit any uninvited 77 guests, and before ya know it, a tap dancin legend was born!

Paddy

Knowin Mary, I'd say, she got in plenty of overtime!

Seamus

Aye, it was ideal trainin for da tap dancin, but unfortunately, it seemed to draw out, a cruel side of her nature.

Sean

How do ya mane, like?

Seamus

Well, sometimes, like, instead of just murdherin da harmless wee craytures, she'd imprison them in jam-jars, and make them attack and ayte other,like, for her personal amusement.

Paddy

Sure all childer are cruel be nature. Many's da time, meself and da boys, blew up frogs at da hay-makin or relieved a daddy longlegs of its wings or cargo hold! Sure there was no harm in it, at all.

Seamus

Aye, I know. But wit young Mary, it turned into a kind of vendetta. When she got tired of stampin da brains of them wee insects, she

moved up to huntin bigger game! Paddy

Like mice, ya mane?

Seamus

Aye, da thatch was infested wit them. Wance she had honed her huntin skills, I'm tellin ya, it was a very brave wee mouse, dat ventured witin an ass's roar of dat little cottage in Kiltanagginhure.

Sean

She went for it, hell for leather, did she?

Seamus

She did surely! She was so successful, at nailin them wee mice, she forced half da cats in Kiltanagginhure, to catch da boat to England! Would ya believe, dat back home in Killyfeckinskitter, at da age of nine or ten, she wance apprehended a fully grown rat, be da tail?

Sean

78 Which wouldn't be da aisyist enterprise in da world, be any manes! Ah, come on now, yer havin us on?

Seamus

No. Dat's God knows! Ye can ask her yerself, if ya don't believe me.

Paddy

Japers! She was an awful little scoundrel, altogether! I didn't tink she was dat mischievous! I'd say, there's not too many about, could have hoodwinked a rat at dat age, or at any age for dat matter.

Sean

Aye, and a cute Killyfeckinskitter rat, at dat! How did she nail it, Seamus?

Seamus

Well, her ma was makin da breakfast, wan mornin and hunted her down to da hen house, to fetch a few eggs, like.

Paddy

Aye, go on.

Seamus

Young Mary tore down to da hen house, opened da door, and saw a big, brown, lug of a rat, doin a bit of reconnoitrin! She caught da unfortunate crayture, be da tip of da tail, and marched it backwards, across da yard, and on into da kitchen.

Sean

Jasus!, she was a very brave wee lassie. It's a wonder, she wasn't bitten.

Seamus

Aye, well accordin to herself, it wasn't for da want of tryin, on da part of da rodent. I often heard her tellin da childer about it, and how she avoided gettin bit. Shows graphically When da rat moved its head to da left, she moved her hand to da right, and vice-a-versa. I suppose, there wasn't much, da poor hoor could do, bein towed backwards, like.

Sean

Aye. And she dragged it into da kitchen, did she?

Seamus

79 Aye, she pulled it indoors, and her father, Lord have mercy on him!, killed it instantly, wit a stamp of his boot.

Sean

In fairness now to Mary, I tink all country kids are a bit wicked. I wouldn't hold dat against her at all. Look at her now! She's at Mass every day of da week! Sure da woman's a saint!

Paddy

Her whole family are very devout and religious. Isn't dat right, Seamus?

Seamus

Aye, ya could say dat I suppose. Wan of her uncles, Fr. Ignatius, became Bishop of Mexico City and his older brother Fr. Cornelius, was a PP for years in Belturbet. A younger brother, Fr. Gabriel was PP in Tullysbucket Upper, for a few years, before da gave him da parish of Lackinlassie.

Sean

Aye, but Seamus, dat was nothin new. Sure, da whole country was crawlin wit priests, them times.

Seamus

Aye, I know, but Mary's wan of a family of thirteen, seven boys and six lassies, and every single wan of them, apart from herself, took da cloth!

Sean

Aye, dat's a bit unusual, alright.

Paddy

And yer surprised, Mary's a bit on da pious side?

Seamus

I don't recall makin dat declaration!

Sean

It's well for ya, Seamus! Wit dat sort of pull, ya shouldn't have too much bother, clearin customs, at da Pearly Gates!

Seamus

Paddy

I'm not so sure about dat, now. It doesn't seem to have done them, too many favours. They've had more than their fair share of misery 80 and bad luck. Her brother, Fr. Michael, Lord have mercy on him, was killed, doin mission work, out in da Congo. I'd say, da Congo is a bit dodgy, be da best of times.

Sean

Aye, I'd say it is. What happened to him, Seamus?

Seamus

Well, accordin to local Congo gossip, da front wheel of his bicycle, jammed wan day, as he was makin his escape from a bank robbery, and da poor fecker, was thrown head over heels, into a river infested wit hungry, crocodiles!

Paddy

Sufferin St Paul! Crocodiles? Yer coddin us? Did some of da bastards ayte him, then?

Sean

I'm sure he wasn't offered a mug of tay, Paddy!

Seamus

Aye, they certainly did attack him, but Fr. Michael was no pushover, ya know. Before he took Holy Orders, he was a county hurler and schoolboy, tug-of-war champion. He was, as stubborn and mule headed as da divil himself and wasn't about to quit, dat aisily, I can tell ya!

Paddy

Aye. Well da entire litter of them, have a reputation, for bein as tough as nails!

Seamus

Aye, and well deserved, I might add. So anyway, Fr Michael wrassles wit tree or four of them fearsome reptiles, for da best part of an hour, and was beginnin to tink, he was gettin da better of them, when wan of them snaked up on him from behind, and made off wit his right leg!

Sean

Da dirty bastards! Dat was a fierce cowardly attack, altogether! Four or five of them onto one!

Seamus

81 Aye, well crocodiles are very cowardly craytures, ya know. Have ya never come across da expression, 'as yella-bellied as a lizard'?

Paddy

If he'd have had da hurley wit him, he'd have soon shown them, who was da boss, I'm tellin ya!

Seamus

Aye. Well maybe, if he'd have had, a wee bit more practice at it! But, Fr. Michael knew instictively, he was at a disadvantage wit da leg missin, and so he pulled himself out of da river and crawled back over to da bicycle, to make sure da booty was safe, like. Well, bejasus lads, it just wasn't, goin to be his day. He was busy tryin to fix da wheel, of da bike, when a feckin Pygmy warrior, took aim wit

his blow pipe, and fired a poisonous dart into his left leg! Sean

Aye, da one da crocodiles missed, ya mane?

Seamus

Yer very quick dis evenin, Sean, ya know dat! Poor Fr. Michael was becomin very disheartened, altogether. He had lost his best leg, was losin a gallon of blood, had a deadly poison in his left leg and was bein chased, be a tribe of fearsome Pygmies, who he thought would ayte him alive!

Paddy

He was a feckin eejit, if ya ask me! He should have stayed at home, away from dat, God forsaken place!

Seamus

Aye, I know, but ya can blame da Church! It was da Church, dat sent thousands of them out there, to a fate worse than death!

Sean

Well, I'm sure da man, knew what he was doin. Go on, anyway, Seamus.

Seamus

where he belonged, and kept well

Scratching his head beneath his cap What da blazes was I talkin about? 82

Sean

Seamus

Ya were sayin, 'Peg-leg's' hoppin for dear life, from an army of ferocious, priest aytin Pygmies! Oh aye! Well accordin to his diary, which I must have read a hundred times, he managed to crawl a couple of miles, through dense jungle and eventually collapsed, under a coconut tree. Da poor divil! Yis won't believe his bad luck. At about two, in da mornin, wan of them coconuts fell and split his head open. At dat stage, Fr. Michael, was seriously beginnin to doubt, if he'd ever be lucky enough, to win da Congo Lotto! In fact, he even began to wonder, if he'd ever see daylight agin. Seeminly, he fell into a deep coma, and when he came to, he found himself in a village hut, wit a witch-doctor and a few of his auld cronies lookin after him!

Paddy

He must have had, his wan foot in da grave, be then?

Seamus

He wasn't lookin his best, I can tell ya! Da poor man was barely alive! He was runnin a terrible fever and was half aytin be mosquitos and flies of every description. He had lost his leg and his loot; had a cracked skull, dat was given him a splittin headache; had a poisonous dart in his left leg, and was wishin he was back home in Killyfeckinskitter!

Sean

Da witch-doctor must have put da fear of God up him.

Seamus

Fr. Michael wasn't a man too aisily frightened, I can tell ya. So, he sez to da witch-doctor, 'Can ya do anyting for me at all?' And yer man, sez to him, 'Arumbo, karumbo, untumbo, molamba, umbamba, yeramba,' which I tink in witch-doctor vernacular, manes, 'Yer a fuckin optimist, ass-hole!' Then he puts a spotted frog sittin on Fr. Michael's forehead, and starts to lep about da hut wit his cronies, in a mad frenzy!

Sean

They're fierce into da dancin, them fellas!

Paddy

83 Aye, well da place is crawlin wit all manner of insects, so da childer must get in great practice, early on! Go on anyway, Seamus.

Seamus

So, Fr. Michael is lyin there half dead, in a rickety auld bed and yer man is chantin and ravin, and castin spells, and makin magic and callin evil spirits and makin pacts wit da divil, and tossin crow's feet and cockroaches, and lizard's innards and snake's eyes, and God knows what else, into dis big bubblin pot. Then all of a sudden, he stops leppin about, and stirs da pot a few times. Then he chants

some words, dat sound to Fr. Michael, like ancient Haybrew, and he takes out his witch-doctor's manual. He reads da manual for a minute or two, and then instructs his cronies, to add to da unholy concoction, a finely chopped scorpion, a wasp sting, 3oz of flaked grass-hopper, and 4oz of dried cleg! He then stirs da pot a few more times, wit a brush handle, and tells his cronies, to slowly mix in, a large dragonfly, beheaded, and halved lengthways, 8oz of crumbled, leafcutter ant, and 6oz of shelled rhinocerous beetle! He then stirs da evil smellin brew, a few more times, and tells his cronies to slowly mix in, a pint of monkey stock, wan magpie, well bate-in, and a ferret dat was hung, drawn and quartered, and left to soak in vinegar overnight! He then gives it a couple of more stirs, for god measure, dips in a tay mug, and orders Fr. Michael to drink da abominable concoction! Fr. Michael, reluctantly takes a wee sip and spits it straight back, into yer man's face! 'Are ya tryin to kill me?, ya eejit half-wit,' he roars at da witch-doctor. 'I've already got a deadly poison, in me remainin leg, dat's headin for me arse!,' sez he to da witch-doctor, 'and you want me to drink, a mug of shite, dat tastes worse, than a bad pint of stout, mixed wit cat's piss!' 'OK,' sez yer man, 'keep yer hair on!' 'I'm only after qualifyin' sez he, 'and maybe, I've left out some vital ingredients, if you'll just bear wit me a minute,' sez he. So, he checks his manual agin, chants a few more words, dat sound to Fr. Michael, like ancient Mongolian, and tells his cronies, to add to da pot, a half tayspoon of water beetle extract, 9oz of lukewarm cobra venum, tree Black Widow spiders, knocked 84 unconscious!, and six live earwigs, wit da ears and wigs removed! He then, stirs it a few more times, dips in his tay mug agin, and passes it to Fr. Michael to drink. Fr. Michael takes another wee sip, and spits it straight back into yer man's face! 'Are you for fuckin real?,' he yells, at da witch-doctor, and yer man, a bit embarrassed, sez to him, 'What's wrong wit it now?' And Fr. Michael roars at him, 'Dat tastes worse, than a bad pint of stout, mixed wit cat's piss and cod liver oil!' 'OK,' sez da witch-doctor, 'in dat case, I'll just rub me magic potion on yer cuts and wounds.' 'Bejasus,' sez Fr. Michael, 'ye'll do no such ting, ya feckin quack, ya!' 'Yer not rubbin any of dat auld shite on me' sez he. And so, he jumped to his foot, dragged himself out of da hut, and made his way back into da bush. Paddy

Sure dat was a crazy ting for him to do. At laste wit da witch-doctor, he was gettin some kind of medical attention!

Seamus

Aye. Well da witch-doctor was very sore wit him, and felt his reputation in da village was in tatters. And so, to take his revenge, he cast an evil spell, unbeknownst, on Fr. Michael.

Sean

And tell us Seamus, if he cast an evil spell, unbeknownst, on Fr. Michael, how come you heard about it?

Seamus

Well, seeminly, when he eventually made it back to da Mission House, about a week later, it was da talk of da entire village.

Sean

He must have been a very worried man.

Seamus

I don't tink so. Accordin to notes he left in his diary, he wasn't too concerned about it. Fr. Michael had a Master's in Theology and Philosophy from Maynooth and regarded all dat sort of stuff, as superstitious gibberish!

Paddy

I tell ya, he was a lucky man, to make it back to da Mission House, 85 alive!

Seamus Aye. Well da experience changed him totally, I believe. He decided to quit robbin banks, and to concentrate on helpin da sick and da poor. He even started to write a book, to tell da world of his experience, and da way, like, dat crime doesn't pay in da long run.

Sean

So he began to mend his ways, did he?

Seamus

Aye, he did.

Sean

But what happened to da man? I thought ya said he got himself killed out there?

Seamus

Well, he was makin a fairly good recovery, and was busy researchin his story, when he unfortunately decided to return alone, to da area in da bush, where da nasty tings had happened to him, earlier, like.

Sean

Ya mean, to where da witch-doctor lived, like?

Seamus

Aye. Well, he was hobblin about, here and there, on his critches researchin his story.

Paddy

What an eejit! So da witch-doctor, did eventually get a howld of him, then?

Seamus

I tink so! Accordin to da local gossip, a few weeks later, hunters shot dead, a lame, tree legged wart-hog, wearin glasses, false teeth, and a dog-collar! Laughter

Paddy

Merciful Jasus! Well da poor gomdoodle paid da price, I suppose for bein a wee bit on da wayward side!

Seamus

Aye. Well, Mary often sez, her brothers and sisters are a bit way86 ward, like; especially da wans, on her mudder's side of da family. Dat was da main razon, for da mudder puttin them all in da Church, in da first place.

Paddy

Aye, she was hopin to settle them a bit, I suppose. Knock some kind of sense into da brats, like.

Seamus

Aye, surely. About two years before Fr. Michael was accidentally killed be mistaken identity, his brother Fr. Dermot, went out to da Congo on holida, to visit him. He was only intendin to stay a few weeks altogether, but he got involved wit a local lassie.

Sean

A bit wayward, ya say?

Seamus

Howld on, now. Accordin to Mary, da tribal chief was about to marry his sixth wife, and Fr. Dermot was asked if he'd like to be best man at da weddin. Well, da celebrations lasted for a week and a half, and poor Fr. Dermot must have guzzled a barrel of da local whiskey! Ya know what priests are like!

Sean

Aye, da clergy are shockin fond of da drink! I heard Bishop Muldoon's housekeeper, sayin one time, dat he polishes off a bottle of brandy, every evenin, before he heads off to 'The Swingin Curate' in Craicnahooley, for a couple of late ones!

Paddy

Is dat all? Jasus!, he wouldn't be da worst of them, be any manes. Go on, Seamus.

Seamus

So Fr. Dermot was pissed as a ferret!, and was dancin away wit dis sexy young lassie, who had taken a great shine to him, altogether. It turned out, da lassie was da daughter, of da Pygmy Minister for the Interior!

Paddy

And was yer man vexed wit Fr. Dermot's galavantin? 87

Seamus

Sean

Far from it! He was actually over da moon, and thought it would be great craic for da village, if da pair of them got married. A few days later, Fr. Dermot sobered up and found himself in bed, wit nothin on, and da young lassie in her skin beside him. 'Bless me soul!,' sez Fr. Dermot in utter amazement. 'What da hell are ya up to? 'Do ye not realize, I'm a Roman Catholic priest.' And she sez to him,... Mock Congo accent 'Me tink Paddy very sexy! Me want to make a babby wit Paddy!' 'Get da hell out of me bed, ya Jezebel!' sez Fr. Dermot in horror. And yer wan sez to him,...Mock Congo accent 'Don't worry Paddy!' 'Me likes to sleep with plenty Irish priest.' 'It's me favourite pastime!,' sez she. 'Me tink Irish priest have big bongalong!,' sez she. 'Me tink Irish priest even better than Right Reverend Bishop of England,' sez she! Bejasus! He certainly wouldn't have been gettin offers like dat, every day of da week, in Killyfeckinskitter!

Seamus

Well accordin to Fr. Michael's version of events, Fr. Dermot quickly lepped into da underpants, and hightailed it, out of da village, like a Cavan farmer after seein a taxman!

Sean

Ye'd feel sorry for da poor divil. He must have been in a terrible flummox.

Seamus

Aye. Well seeminly he was wanderin about in circles, a few miles from da village, in his Dunne's Stores underpants, and a pack of stray hyenas, had him for their supper!

Paddy

Holy, Divine, Mudder of God! Dat was shockin to da world! What a terrible sad end to come to? Da poor divil! Lord have mercy on him!

Sean

Aytin alive by hyenas! What a gruesome death! Yer man above, 88 must have been shockin vexed wit him, altogether.

Seamus

Aye, it was desperate, so it was. When da hyenas had filled their bellies, a hundred vultures, picked him clane. All dat was left of Fr. Dermot was a hape of bones!

Paddy

So poor Mary, God love her!, lost two of her brothers on da overseas

Seamus

Aye, and her sister Assumpta got herself killed, workin for da Loreto Order out in India. But Mary often sez, she had only herself to blame, like.

Sean

Why was dat, then?

Seamus

Poor auld Sister Assumpta, Lord have mercy on her!, was out early wan Sunda afternoon, on a tiger huntin expedition in da Punjab, when she accidentally broke her neck, fallin off an elephant's arse!

Paddy

It served her right!, da feckin eejit! Sure she would have had, no experience ridin them elephants. God knows!, it's hard enough, be times, tryin to ride Bridgie! Laughter

Seamus

Is Bridgie not a passionate crayture, then?

Paddy

At da how's yer father, ya mane?

Seamus

Aye.

Paddy

Well she was never too keen on da proddin stick, like, but she'll not

missions?

argue wit ya, over a bit of horseplay now and agin! Seamus

Paddy

Aye, da wrasslin, ya mane? 89 Aye. But it all depends on what mood she's in, mind ya. If she's had a good night at da bingo, she'll have wan or two bottles of stout and a couple of half wans, wit Kathleen Gaffney.

Sean

Aye. Fair play to her! Why not?

Paddy

Then she'll come traipsin home, half scuttered, at about two in da mornin, singin her eejit head off!

Seamus

Well, at laste she be's in good form, itself.

Paddy

Aye.

Seamus

And she'd be game ball, like, for a bit of horseplay, when she gets home?

Paddy

Well, not immediately, ya understand? First she likes to sit down at da tele, and watch wan or two of them filty videos, dat she's borrowed from Bishop Muldoon's housekeeper! She'll watch them for a couple of hours, and then she'll more than likely, smoke her pipe or chew a plug of tabacca, for half an hour, or so.

Seamus

She doesn't be in any hurry like?

Paddy

No. There's no harm in it. She'll maybe finish off a bit of knitten, or study da racin form for da next day, before she'll finally say her prayers, throw on her yella petticoat and crawl into da bed beside me.

Sean

And she'd be all on for a bit of horseplay?

Paddy

Sean

Aye. Well, if I'm in luck, like, she'll allow me to scrape, Scratching his stubble...me 5 o'clock in da mornin shada, on her bare behind! That sort of craic, like! All three laugh 90 What if she hasn't done too well at da bingo?

Paddy

Well Bridgie's originally from Cavan, so if she loses money at da bingo, she automatically flies into a fierce rage altogether, and drinks twice as hard! She'll come home in an awful huff, and instead of singin, she'll be cursin and swearin, and kickin da poor cat and dog about da place!

Seamus

So, ya can tell, as soon as she gets home, like, what mood she's in?

Paddy

I can surely! As soon as I hear da rattle of da latch, on da kitchen door, I know if horseplay, is on, or off da menya!

Seamus

Begod!, that's very handy to know! It's well for ya!, ya lucky get!

Paddy

Bragging I can read her like a book! She'll tramp up da stairs at about five in da mornin, and before she hops into da bed, she'll give me a few digs in da back, like. Then she'll grunt at me, 'Are ya asleep Paddy? Move over, ya auld bollix!' And I'd be lettin on, like, dat I'm sound asleep! After about ten seconds, she's snorin like a tractor!, and wouldn't be passin me too much remarks, like. So, even when horseplay is officially off da menya, I can still sometimes get up to a

wee bit of divilment, unbeknownst to her! Sean

Ya dirty auld divil, ya!

Seamus

Well, fair play to ya Paddy! There's no way, Mary would provide dat class of entertainment!

Sean

Ah, don't be too hard on her, Seamus. She's probably just a bit on da shy side. A lot of country lassies are, ya know.

91 Paddy

Facetiously So da brother was tellin me!

Seamus

I wouldn't mind, if dat's all it was. It's da unpredictable mood swings, I find hard to put up wit, sometimes.

Paddy

Well yis must be fairly used to other be now. Sure yis are married donkeys' years.

Seamus

Aye. A couple of months ago it was our 20th Weddin Anniversary. Meself and da childer, arranged a very special surprise party for Mary. We went to fierce trouble for her, altogether. We hauled in lashins of mince pies, rhubarb tarts, carrot cakes, balloons, you name it! Philomena Mc Breen, thought I'd won da lotto! But, it turned out a complete fiasco, so it did. I couldn't believe it!

Paddy

Yer coddin? What happened?

Seamus

I was just after cuttin her, a big lump of carrot cake, and as I was puttin it on her saucer, I gave her an affectionate, little peck on da cheek, like, and sez to her, 'Happy anniversary darlin!'

Sean

Aye, dat was daycint of ya.

Climbs off stool and begins to copy her antics by shadow boxing. Seamus Bejasus!, she immediately leapt to her feet, and caught me flush on the chin, wit a ferocious right cross!, and followed through like lightnin, wit a vicious left hook, to da body! I doubled up in agony, wit me eyes waterin, but was still doin me best, to block and defend, be keepin me guard high, like, and be bobbin and weavin, and some fancy footwork, Shuffles feet impressively when she suddenly switched to south paw, and caught me nappin, wit a fearsome upper cut to da chin! 92 Paddy

Lord bless us and save us! Is da crayture possessed?!

Seamus

I was a bit dazed and shakey on me legs, like, and had to take a standin count, from me eldest girl, Jacinta. Seconds before da bell, she connected wit two spectacular lefts to da chin!, combinations to da head and body, and then floored me, wit a right hay-maker, I never saw comin! Sits again

Paddy

Mudder of God!, dat was shockin harsh treatment, altogether. Did she give ya a severe bate-in, like?

Seamus

Well, to tell da truth, I was in a worse state, dat time, she used da spade on me! But even so, like, I just about managed, to make it up da stairs to me bed. None of me bones, were broken dis time, tank God!, but I was very stiff and sore, and must have looked a sorry sight! I couldn't understand her at all, dat avenin. I was upstairs, lickin at me wounds and was wipin away da blood and tears, when I heard a few wee knocks, on da

bedroom door. Sean

Aye, go on, go on.

Seamus

'Hello Seamus,' sez she. 'Can I come in for a minute?' 'Aye,' sez I, 'come on ahead.'

Sean

She wanted to apologise, no doubt.

Seamus

Paddy Seamus

Well, she comes in, like, and sits down beside me on da bed. Then she throws da auld arm around me, gazes at me longinly, wit those allurin, come to bed, big bullfrog eyes, and propositions me, would I be after a wee bit of foreplay! Now yer talkin! Dat was more like it! So I sez to her, 'Mary, ye've badly hurt me feelins, given me two 93 black eyes, a burst lip, and bloody nose, but yer me wife, for better or for worse, it's our 20th Weddin Anniversary, and da pub is after closin, sure, I might as well, have a stab at it!'

Sean

Good man!, ya boy ya!

Seamus

So we wrassled awhile on top of da bed, and I started tinkin to meself, dat proceedins were comin along, grand!

Paddy

Aye, she was beginnin to show some affection, and about time, too!

Seamus

God knows!, Paddy, I had her aytin out of me hand! So I gave her a couple of wee kisses, and she sez to me, 'Seamus,' and sez I, 'Aye,' and sez she agin, 'Seamus Fogarty,' and sez I agin, 'Aye, dat's me,' 'We have somethin very important to discuss,' sez she.

Paddy Seamus

Impatiently Aye, go on, go on, quit stallin! So, sez I, pre-emptin her, like, 'Yer after a new pair of wellintons?' 'No!,' sez she. Sez I, tinkin hard, 'Ya want to sell da small pig to Dympna Galligan?' 'No!,' sez she. 'Jasus,' sez I, to meself, scratchin me head, 'What da hell is she after, dis time?,' still tryin me best to outsmart her, like. So, sez I, 'Ye'd like me to trim da bristles on yer back?' 'No!,' sez she, 'Ya stink of cow shite, ya smelly disgustin bollix!'

Paddy

Jasus!, dat was terrible rude. I wouldn't let Bridgie away wit dat sort of auld guff!

Seamus

So sez I, attemptin to cheer her, like. 'If dat's all dat's botherin ya woman, sure I'll splash on a drop of after shave!'

Paddy

Aye, women love da smell of parfume, God knows!

Sean

Aye, and flowers too, so da brother was tellin me!

94

Seamus

Well, begod, there was no plazin her dat night, I can tell yis. First, she accuses me of smellin of cow shite, and then she accuses me of havin bad breath, be varcha of me habit, like, of chewin at them nuts, 'dat's rightly meant for da cattle,' sez she.

Paddy

Aye, da cattle feed, ya mane? Sure I like to chew at them meself. There's divil a harm in it! Every mornin Bridgie throws a handful or two in her stirabout, and she swears blind, it works miracles for her constipation! Do ya tink it was somethin to do wit her hormones?

Seamus

Ye'd have to speak to da vet, about them technical sort of questions.

Paddy

What da divil was aytin her, I wonder? I've heard of people goin through bad patches, like, but she was layin into ya, fierce personal. Must have been da hormones!

Seamus

Aye, she was very belittlin, altogether and bejasus, somethin inside me, just snapped. I decided enough is enough and to stand and fight me corner!

Sean

Fair play to ya Seamus! Who could blame ya? Da fuckin hoor!

Seamus

As far as I'm aware, there never lived any yella livered Fogarty's in da townland of Drumlassiefartin, and I have no intention of applyin for da vacancy!

Sean

Good man Seamus! She had it comin to her, so she did!

Paddy

Aye, and about time! Da neck of da woman!

Seamus

So, sez I, to her, 'Yer not exactly smellin of roses yerself, ya wizened auld crow' 'And while I'm on da subject,' sez I, 'do ya not tink, it's 95 about time, ya mowed dat handlebar moustache dat's crawlin across yer face?' Sez I, 'If it grows any bushier, ye'll have a nest of swallaws in it, in no time, and they'll destroy da house!'

Sean

Aye. It doesn't suit her at all! There's far too many grey hairs in it!

Seamus

So sez I, continuin to be as offensive as possible. 'I work me bollix off, on dis farm, all da hours da Lord sends, to try and make a daycint livin, for yerself and da childer, and after a hard day, cuttin a mile of hedges, milkin 60 cows and feedin 40 calves, ya have da nerve, to accuse me of smellin of cow shite!

Paddy

Aye, farmin's not da aisyist way, to make a couple of bob.

Seamus

So she sez to me, 'Seamus, you wouldn't like it now, if I was always smellin of cow shite.' 'Well,' sez I, 'At laste, it wouldn't be as foul as yer armpits, and I'd take to it a good dale sooner, than yer fartin half da night like a fog-horn, goin to Mass tree times a day on me tractor, and lavin yer false teeth, soakin all night in me best tay mug!

Paddy

Aye, and a few belts of da strap, would have done her no harm!, bejasus! Show her, who's wearin da breeches!

Seamus

Paddy

Aye. So availin meself of da opportunity of airin a few genuine grievances, sez I, 'Mary, could ya not experiment a wee bit wit yer cookin?' Sez she, 'There's divil a haet wrong wit me cookin.' Sez I, 'Every day for da last five years, ya've fed us for dinner, nothin, but black sausages, smokey bacon flavoured crisps, and mashed turnips! 'Do ya not tink,' sez I, 'it's time for a change of menya?' Sez she, 'I've heard no complaints.' 'Well,' sez I, grabbin her throat be me two hands, 'if ya want to continue, goin to Mass, tree times a day for da foreseeable future, ya better fuckin make damn well sure, we don't spend da next five years, on a menya, of black sausages, smokey bacon flavoured crisps and mashed turnips!' 96 Aye, dat was tellin her!

Sean

So, did she pay ya any heed, itself? Is her cookin gettin any better?

Seamus

Aye. Well, after da dressin down I gave her, she stormed into da town, and bought herself a hape of cookin books, a casserole pot, and a couple of them fancy non stick saucepans!

Paddy

Yer coddin us?

Seamus

I am in me arse! She spends half da day starin at them cookin books!...Which is a terror, considrin she left school, before she started!

Paddy

And would ya not be sore, about it interferin wit her farm work?

Seamus

Paddy

Defensively Bejasus!, I'd never allow her readin, to interfere wit da successful operation of me farm. What do ya take me for? Do ya tink I've got water in me brain or somethin? Sorry!, Seamus, I didn't mane to vex ya.

Seamus

Hand under peak-cap and scratching his head What da hell, was I talkin about?

Paddy

Mary and da cookin books.

Seamus

Oh, aye! No, she does most of her studyin at Mass, like! Every day she takes a couple of books, or a whole hape of them, if it's a Holy Day of Obligation! She was tellin me, it helps her to cope wit da headaches and boredom!

Sean

I didn't tink Fr. Flanagan would condone da likes of dat?

Seamus

Sean Seamus

97 Well she sits well down at da back like, and keeps an eye out for him. Mind ya, she did mention to me da other day, dat last Saturda, he et da head of her in da confessional. He must have seen her wit da cookin books. Aye. Well she was tryin to figure out, how many eggs, to put in an Egg Foo Yung for seven, when she should have been concentratin on her Act of Contrition, for bate-in da shite out of me! A neighbour of mine, Jemmy Hopkins, was tellin me, dat wan Sunda avenin at High Mass, da bishop let a roar at her from da pulpit!

Paddy

Aye, Bishop Muldoon. He's a contrary auld bollix, be da best of times. What was vexin him?

Seamus

She had a gang of women from da ICA gathered around her and was given them a lecture on how to make a bacon and cabbage moussaka, Tokyo-style! Laughter

Sean

So how's her cookin comin along? Has she changed da menya at all?

Seamus

Aye, she's beginnin to show great improvement, tank God. In da past we never got a starter, but at yesterda's dinner, she surprised us wit a choice of starter!

Sean

Affectionately Poor auld Mary, God love her!

Seamus

Ya could have Mullingar soup or cheese and onion flavoured crisps, or ya could go for da toasted boxty bread, wit curried beans or scrambled egg wit massala poppadom!

Paddy

Aye, ye can definitely see, she's been at da books! Ye'd normally 98 have to pay a fierce price, at a top hotel, to be able to ate in dat class

of style! Seamus

She didn't offer a bad wee selection for da main coorse aither. Ya could have da Peking Drake, wit roast chestnuts, seaweed and gravy, or ya could try, da dressed crab, wit globe artichoke and French babby courgettes, or ya could go for da pig's trotters, wit Italian new praties and shiitake mushrooms, smothered in a rich and cramey, nutty flavoured, cauliflower sauce!

Paddy

She's makin great progress altogether! I must send Bridgie over, for a few tips! So which feed, did you ayte, then?

Seamus

I played it kaw-ny, and went for da Mullingar soup, wit da pig's trotters and new praties.

Sean

So, ya weren't too keen on da auld crab?

Seamus

Da way it was leppin about da table, bejapers!, I was tinkin, it would ayte a lump, out of wan of us!

Sean

I thought ya said, it was dressed crab?

Seamus

Aye. Well she hung a dickie-bow on him alright, but there was still plenty of fight, left in da hoor!

Sean

Did she do yis a sweet at all?

Seamus

Aye. Not a bad wee swate selection. Ya could have da damson and apple crumble wit a dollop of cranberry and vanilla ketchup, or ya could go for da slow death be chocolate and thraycle puddin, or ya could chance, da spicy bhindi bhaji wit savoury steamed custard!

Paddy

There'll be no stoppin her now, begod!

Seamus

I'd say she still has some way to go, before she has da Head Chef at da Dorchester shakin in his boots!

Paddy

Aye, dat might be true, but he wouldn't last too long wit her at da arm wrasslin! Laughter

99

Seamus

Aye, or da mud wrasslin! An old local farmer, Tommy Cooney (70), slowly walks into the bar, via the door on the right of the stage and sits on a stool at the corner, where he is easily visible to both Seamus and Paddy. He looks very dejected, tired and dirty. He is a poor, old-fashioned, small time farmer, barley making a living. He is dressed in wellingtons, peak-cap, dirty old, dark blue pinstriped trousers, with braces and a white granddad shirt (i.e. no collar). He is slightly bent and carrying a rough stick.

Paddy

Hello there Tommy! How's she cuttin?

Tommy

Desperate altogether! I've disturbin news.

Paddy

Leaving a note on the bar Sean, give Tommy a bottle of stout there, like a good man, and ya can pull us another two pints, while yer at it.

Sean

Sean obliges and leaves change on counter No problem.

Paddy

What's da problem Tommy?

Tommy

I had da vit round dis mornin, and he tinks, wan of me Whitehead

heifers is comin down wit a serious complaint. Paddy

Jasus!, I'm sorry to hear dat Tommy. 100

Tommy Paddy

Tommy pours stout into a tall glass and gestures Tanks Patsy. God spare yer health! Gestures Good health! More power to ya!

Seamus

How ya doin Tommy? Does da vet know what's ailin her?

Tommy

No. He towl me, he has to carry out some more tests. Send some blood samples off to Dublin, like.

Paddy

What do ya tink's troublin her?

Tommy

Well, she's not been herself, at all, lately.

Paddy

And when did ya notice, like, she wasn't herself?

Tommy

About a week ago, she was frothin a bit at da mouth, and she's been actin up on me all week.

Paddy

Puzzled How do ya mane, like?

Tommy

She's been doin an awful lot of bawlin, and scratchin and rollin about on her back.

Paddy

Like she had warbles?

Tommy

Aye.

Seamus

It couldn't be da warble fly, Tommy , if she's had da Oxibug 'pouron'.

Tommy

Aye, I know, but I checked her for warbles anyhow, and she was clane as a whistle. Not a flea on her!

Paddy

Did ya check her for ear-maggot?

Tommy

I did surely.

Paddy

Any sign of blisters in her mouth?

101

Tommy

Divil da wan!

Seamus

And ya say she's been actin up all week?

Tommy

Paddy Tommy

Aye, she has. A couple of days ago, I caught her walkin up da hill backwards, and bless me sowl!, when she reached da top, didn't she tumble down, da far side, like a school gosson! Paddy and Seamus laugh Well, ya did da right ting callin da vet. Aye. Well, after da way, she was actin up on me dis mornin, I was very alarmed, so I was.

Seamus

Why? What happened dis mornin?

Tommy

Well, dis mornin I got up out of bed, like any other mornin, and went out to da slat house to feed them.

Paddy Tommy

Aye, go on Tommy, have a drink! Take yer time, there, now. I forked in a hape or two of silage, and da were aytin away, happy enough, like, but yer wan was refusin to ayte.

Paddy

Aye, da young Whitehead? Go on, Tommy.

Tommy

T'was shockin peculiar, altogether. I kept me eye on her, for a couple of hours and she never touched her feed.

Seamus

Aye, dat was a bit strange, God knows!

Tommy

I gave her a crack of da stick, and she was still refusin to ayte. I couldn't make out, what da divil was upsettin her; was tinkin, she had worms or da fluke!

Seamus

Was there any sign of scour,Tommy?

102

Tommy

Divil a sign!

Paddy

Did ya check for sores on her teats?

Tommy

I did, aye, but her teats were lovely!

Paddy Tommy

Sean Tommy

Seamus Tommy

Paddy Tommy

Jasus! She sounds OK to me! Begod!, I never saw da like before in a baste. It was a terror! She was given me some shockin quare looks and was flappin her ears at a fierce rate! I couldn't make head nor tail of it. Imitates animal Then she sticks out her tongue, and starts to shake her head from side to side, like. Next ting, be da Holy Jasus!, didn't she suddenly lep across da railins, like a cat, and tear off down da pass, towards da river, wit da skitter flyin, and meself and Cissy makin after her, like a pair of lunatics! And she was headin for da river, like? Aye. We thought we had her cornered below at da cross, but, she run up on da hedge, and leapt straight into Mattie Reilly's meada. It was a holy fret! She shot across his meada like a hare, and somersaulted da gate, in Patsy Brennan's lower field. She then tore across 'Da Widda Mc Cabe's' cabbages, and leapt through her back hedge into Barney Dolan's lower acre, and flew across it like da 103 wind! Lord Bless us! Someone must have towld her she was a horse! Then be da Holy Jasus!, didn't she do a triple axel, double toe-loop, over da dunghape in da far corner, of Dolan's field and landed on her arse, in da middle of 'Francie da Pedlars' turnip patch! She must have put da heart crossways in da poor divil, as she came flyin unexpectedly across his hedge! Dat's a terror! Yer not coddin, now? 'Deed I'm not coddin ya! Dat's God knows! She then lepped across da ditch, under yon big chestnut tree at Magee's calf shed, and went flyin down Brady's hill, bawlin her head off! It was a holy terror! I nearly had her at 'The Rock', but she knocked Cissy over and ran for dear life down Ned Cooney's pass. Bejasus!, she then tore through da far hedge into Hughie Owen's 'Half Acre' and drove half his sheep into Red John's bottoms. Hughie's gosson managed to hunt her away from da sheep, but her brakes failed as she charged

down Blackberry Hill, and she went flyin head over heels into da bog! We had a fierce job, altogether, pullin her out. Da poor craythur nearly drowned. Paddy

Is she all right now, like?

Tommy

Aye, da vit gave her a seditive.

Seamus

Is Cissy OK?

Tommy

Divil a bother on her! She's as tough as an auld boot, dat wan!

Sean

And he hasn't a clue what's ailin her, like?

Tommy

Well, he tinks, it might be dat mad cow disease.

Paddy

Jasus!, BSE, I'm sorry to hear dat Tommy.

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Tommy

Sorrowfully Sure what else could it be? They'll slaughter me entire herd, so da will. It 'll be, me ruination.

Seamus

Dat's desperate news Tommy. There's a lot of dat BSE still about, mind ya. Da complaint makes some cattle act very peculiar.

Paddy

Aye. There was a recent case there, beside me, where a neighbour of mine, Eugene Leddy, had a friesian cow diagnosed wit multiple, personality, disorder, syndrome!

Tommy

Muddur of God! What class of ailment could dat be?

Paddy

Well, I'm not too well up on it meself, Tommy, but, Eugene was tellin me, he became suspicious, after she started makin rude and obscene gestures durin milkin! Some of his neighbours were complainin, dat she was barkin half da night like a dog! Other times, bejasus, she'd be squealin like a pig, or squawkin like a crow, da poor divil!

Tommy

Lord bless us and save us! Dat's a holy terror, altogether!

Seamus

Aye. We had a similar case in Drumlassiefartin, a couple of months back. A young Shorthorn bullock, suddenly took a notion, it could sing like Nat King Cole! Laughter I'm tellin ya, it's da God's honest truth! He'd be croonin and bawlin, all night long, and da rest of da herd, couldn't get a wink of sleep! He drove them all stark ravin mad, in no time, at all!

Sean

I suppose, dat's how da virus spreads through entire herds so 105 quickly, like.

Seamus

Aye, I'd say so. And ya know, to make matters worse, he didn't have a note in his head! Couldn't even whistle in tune!

Sean

Spud Mc Ginty, there, beside me, had a BSE infected, Charolais heifer a few years back, and like yer were sayin Seamus, her behaviour became very abnormal, altogether.

Tommy

How was she afflicted,then?

Sean

Seeminly, she had a very high opinion, of her footballin skills, at da soccer, I mean! More laughter

Paddy

Was she any good, itself?

Sean

Well, Sligo Rovers thought so! They paid a transfer fee of, 800 pound to Mc Ginty. By all accounts, she was a talented dribbler of da ball; knew her way around da pitch, like. Her left kick was desperate, altogether, but she could swerve da ball beautifully, from any angle, wit both right feet! More laughter

Paddy

How was she, wit da head?

Sean

Mc Ginty was tellin me, dat her manager had to ban her from usin da head. Obviously, they must have been losin too many balls. They're not cheap, ya know. He was sayin though, dat they found her a bit unreliable.

Paddy Sean

Tommy Sean

Tommy

Sipping his pint and looking a little perplexed Is dat right? Aye. Sometimes at important matches, if it started to rain or drizzle, she'd wander off da pitch, and shelter in da tunnel, or just sit in da 106 penalty box, chewin da cud! At away games, she could lose all interest, and begin to ayte da grass on da pitch, only twenty minutes inta da first half! Beginning to liven up Is she still playin for Sligo Rovers? No, I heard she took a transfer to Finn Harps. Which was just as well, I suppose. Why do ya say dat?

Sean

Durin da Galway game, she was heavily tackled and a bit of a nasty scuffle, broke out mid-field.

Paddy

Was she injured or somethin?

Sean

No. She wasn't too badly hurt, but one of their best strikers, missed da rest of da sazon, when she stuck a horn up his arse! He was never much good after dat, I believe. It left him, wit a kind of permanent hobble and a fear of tackles!

Paddy

Yis tink dat was bad lads! I heard of a case up in Donegal, where a young Kerry cow was so stricken wit BSE, dat she crossed da border wan night, and moved in wit a Protestant herd! Did yis ever hear da bate of dat?

Tommy

Muddur of God! Well, dat bates all! They should have tarred and feathered da dirty turncoat!

Paddy

A fella was tellin me, dat a few months later, she took a turn for da worse, and threw herself in front of da Belfast to Dublin train.

Tommy

Good God! Committed suicide, like?

Paddy

107 Aye, well, she didn't lave a note or anyting, like, but dat's what her relatives in da Kerry and Donegal herds assumed.

Seamus

I don't want to alarm ya, Tommy, but I'd say dat's what yer young heifer, probably had in mind dis mornin, when she was headin for da river.

Tommy

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Ya tink me heifer was tryin to drown herself on purpose, like?

Seamus

Aye, more than likely. Ya said yerself, she nearly drowned.

Paddy

Aye. And they don't have to have da BSE, before some of them, get dat notion. I mind a vet tellin me wance, dat it's quite natural for animals to kill themselves. Ya know, like, if somethin is upsettin them, like.

Sean

Sure dat's been known for years! Any eejit will tell ya dat! Why do ya tink da roads of Ireland are littered wit da corpses, of dead cats, and dogs, and badgers, and hedgehogs and rabbits? Obviously, some would be accidental cases, but thousands are intentional or disguised as accidents!

Seamus

I suppose, it stands to razon, when ya tink about it. It would be a bit funny, if we were da only craytures on God's earth, to get tired of livin. I often wondered meself, why fish allow themselves, to be caught so aisily.

Sean

Well, I'm no expert on fish, but I'd imagine they must get very depressed. Look how miserable we are, when there's a drop of rain. Da poor auld fish, God love them!, are knee deep in water, mornin, noon, and night!

Tommy

Aye. It must be shockin hard for them to git a good night's sleep! 108 Da odd few times, I wet me bed, I find it damn near impossible to sleep sound afterwards! I'd be wakin up every ten minutes, screamin wit da nightmares! Rale, horrid nightmares, bejasus!

Paddy

Is dat a fact? And tell us Tommy, can ya remember, what ya be draymin about?

Tommy

Aye, no bother! I always have da same kind of nightmares, when I flood da bed. I'd aither be draymin, I'm in da middle of Drumrainy lake, in a rowin boat, full of holes!, or I'd be floatin about in da sea, surrounded be them horrid sharks!...Sometimes I dhrame, dat Cissy is layin into me wit a saucepan! I hate dat particular dhrame da most, so I do. Always seem to wake up in da mornin half dead, and black and blue, from head to toe! Laughter

Seamus

Jasus!, Tommy. If it wasn't for them jam jars, ya keep under yer bed, ye'd have died from a heart attack, years ago! More laughter

Sean

Speakin of dyin, I see auld Terry Mc Nally, passed away, there, lately.

Tommy

Aye. I was at da funeral Wednesda. He was a highly popular sowl, so he was. Ya should have seen da number of cars. A mighty turnout, altogether. Lord have mercy on him!

Paddy

What age of a man, would he be then?

Tommy

He was ninety six, if he was a day!

Paddy

Was he?, bejasus! A brave age!

Tommy

Aye.

Seamus

Who handled da funeral arrangements? Was it Deegan?

Tommy

109 Aye it was Deegan's Undertakers alright. There's not too many about, now, can bate Deegan on price. Did yis hear at all, dat he's been doin a wee sideline, in cardboard coffins?

Paddy

Cardboard coffins? What do ya mane, cardboard coffins?

Tommy

They're not cardboard, strictly spake-in. Da linin is made out of hard plastic, like. Nothin fancy, mind ya! Just a plain auld box. But I hear, they're fierce cheap, altogether. Only eighty or ninety pound.

Paddy

Aye. Dat's very low, for a coffin, alright, and he's been sellin a couple, has he?

Tommy

Aye, so I hear. Wan or two, here and there, to people of slender manes. I hear there's plenty, sold above in Dublin.

Seamus

Aye. Da might sell a few of them in Dublin, all right, but I'd say, now, they'd be slow to catch on around here. Ye'd want to be a fairly mane hoor, to bury a relative in a fuckin cardboard box! Jasus!, If I ever did a ting like dat, I'd be so ashamed of meself, I'd lep into da grave after da coffin!

Sean

I'd say, they'd be used mostly for da destitute and homeless. Da brother was tellin me, there, dat Dublin is crawlin wit beggars and tramps.

Tommy

Aye, I hear there's so many beggars on da streets of Dublin, these days, if ya gave a shillin to every wan ya came across, ye'd be a beggar yerself, be da end of da week! And da country supposed to be flyin!

Paddy

Aye. It's desperate in Dublin, so it is. I was up there meself a while back, and was talkin to a poor divil, livin in a bus shelter, be da side of da road. 110 At a bus stop, like?

Tommy Paddy

Aye, be da roadside! All he had in da world was a few humble belongins. A sleepin bag, a couple of blankets, some auld plastic bags and a plastic tay mug.

Tommy

It's a shockin way to be livin. God help them!

Paddy

Da funny ting was, he seemed to be, happy enough, in himself, like.

Tommy

Is dat right?

Paddy

Aye. He was tellin me dat Dublin people are very generous, and often give him tay, and bread and jam! Sez I, to him, 'Do ya never get lonely, livin be da roadside?'

Tommy Paddy

Tommy

Paying close attention Aye, be da roadside. Sez he, 'It does be a bit lonely, be times, but me family and friends, often come to see me.' 'Next week,' sez he, 'I have a brother comin up to visit me from Limerick.' Sez I, 'Where's he goin to stay? Sure, ye have no place to put him up.' And sez he, 'Divil da bother! Sure, he's already booked up for a fortnight, at da bus stop down da road!' Sez I, 'Fair play to ya gossen! Yer not as stupid as ya smell!' Well, well! At laste he had a sense of humour.

Paddy

Grainne who is still working, appears behind the counter. Hello Grainne! How are tricks?

Grainne

Not too bad!, Paddy.

Paddy

Any sign of ya courtin?

Grainne

Why do ya ask?

Paddy

Oh, just exercisin me jawbone, and an incurable hunger for gossip and scandal!

Grainne

That's OK then! I'll let ya off, so!

Seamus

Any craic in da lounge?

Grainne

Yeah, it's gettin quite busy now. There's a crowd of them in from Petro-Turbo.

Paddy

I'd say some of them fellas, know how to spend.

Grainne

Yeah, there's a few of them, alright, would be in during the week for their dinner.

Seamus

Are da any good at tippin?

Grainne

One or two now, would be generous, enough.

Sean

Not like da mane farmers!

Paddy

Not all farmers are mane, ya know.

Sean

No. Just da ones wit big farms!

Seamus

And Cavan accents! What time are ya on till Grainne?

Grainne

I finish at eleven, but it'll be more like half eleven, now, when I get out of here.

Seamus

Are ya walkin out to da house?

Grainne

I might be gettin a lift actually.

Paddy

Well, if yer walkin Grainne, be very careful on those dark country roads. Cars at night are shockin dangerous, for people walkin. Grainne smiles

Seamus

Da tractor's parked outside Grainne, so I can aisily give ya a lift, now, if yer stuck. I pass your place, on da way out to Drumlassiefartin.

Grainne

Tanks for the offer, but me brother Niall, will be in later. So I should be grand.

111

112

Seamus

No problem!, Grainne. Be glad to help ya, anytime.

Paddy

Grainne exits again through small rear bar door. Paddy turns to Sean. She's a lovely lassie dat Grainne.

Sean

Aye. She's a good wee lass, works hard.

Seamus

She's too good for dis place!

Sean

Paddy

Well, she'll not be wit us much longer, ya know. She's just fillin in a few months, while she sorts herself out. There's any number of daycint jobs, for da likes of her. A sudden loud commotion startles the four men. Seamus's wife, Mary Fogarty, storms into Grogan's Bar via the right stage door, and begins to shout abuse at Seamus as she bustles through the door. She is aged about forty, looks dog-rough and speaks with a strong country brogue. She has a dirty complexion and dirty stringy hair and is wearing thick lens glasses to enlarge the appearance of her eyes. She is dressed in big hob-nail boots, an anorak and overalls and is carrying an armful of cookery books. She appears to 113 be drenched and looking none too happy. She bounds over to Seamus from the door, yelling continuously. She pulls him off his stool and knocks him to the floor. As she enters the bar, all four men turn around startled.

Paddy

Mary

Jasus!, it's Mary! What da blazes does she want? At pub entrance and yelling as she bustles in. There ye are!, ya little bastard! I've been lookin all over da country for ya, ya lazy bollix! What, in da name of God, do ya tink yer playin at? Do ya want me to ring, yer fuckin neck for ya? Is dat what, ya want? What did I tell ya, dis mornin? I towl ya, I had to have da tractor, for da10 o' clock Mass did avenin.

Seamus

Proceeding to kick and assault Seamus as he cowers helplessly on the floor. I'm sorry Mary! It clane went out of me head.

Mary

Aye, ya big eejit! In wan ear and out da other, I suppose.

Seamus

I'm very sorry! I forgot all about it. Fumbling in jeans Here's da keys! Take da friggin tractor, it's parked outside.

Mary

It's a bit late now, ya dirty haverel! Yer after forcin me to traipse da whole six miles into town, and me carryin an armful of heavy cookin books. Me feet are blistered, be these auld hob-nail boots, me chilblains are playin up agin, and trampin da six miles, has afflicted me, wit a horrid sore arse!

Seamus

Mary

More assaults on Seamus For God's sake!, woman, calm down! Get a grip on yerself!, will ya? Yer makin a holy show of us! It's not da fuckin end of da world, ya know! Ye can go to Mass ten times tamorra! Don't swear at me Seamus Fogarty!, ya ignorant, bullock headed 114 gilloot!

Sean

Mary

Here!, Mary!, Mary! Turning to Sean What do ya want? Can't ya see I'm busy!

Sean

I'm sorry to interrupt ya, Mary, but, do ya mind if I ask ya a wee question?

Mary

Well, ya better be quick about it! I'm in no mood for a ceili.

Sean Mary Sean

Sure, it won't take ya a second to answer! It's just a wee question! Aye, alright, then. Is it true, ya once towed a rat backwards by da tail?

Mary

What sort of eejit question is dat? Have ya no manners? I'll tow you cheeky little pup! Turning again to Seamus Tellin stories about me, now, behind me back!, eh? Ya little scut!

Paddy

He was only complimentin ya, Mary, and sayin, how ya were a fine pious woman, goin to Mass twice a day!

Mary

Paddy

Mary

Continued assaults Aye, but, it didn't stop him takin da feckin tractor on me, did it? I was half an hour late for Mass, because of him. Fr. Flanagan et da head of me, so he did! There's no point in killin da man, Mary. Come on over, and have a bottle of stout, wit meself and Tommy. 115 Turning to Paddy Mind yer own business, ya bollix! If ya were any good, ye'd be at home wit Bridgie.

Paddy

But, ya gave him a good bate-in on yer 20th Weddin Anniversary! Ye'll ruin his good looks!

Mary

If I hear another squeak out of ya, ya busybody, ye'll be sorry!

Paddy

Mutters to himself Fuckin mad hoor!

Mary

What did ya say?... What are ya after callin me?

Paddy

Nothin!

Mary

Paddy

Turning to Seamus and pointing with outstretched arm. Stay!, boy. Stay! Walks over to Paddy and grabs him by the neck. What did you call me? I didn't call ya anyting, Mary.

Mary

Ya must tink I'm stupid! Ya called me a 'fuckin mad hoor', didn't ya?

Paddy

Yer ravin mad!, Mary. I only said, 'Ta se fuar!' Ask Tommy, he heard what I said.

Mary

Turning to Tommy Did he call me a 'fuckin mad hoor', Tommy?

Tommy

I'm a bit hard of hearin, meself, Mary, but I tink he was talkin about pig manure!

Mary

'Pig manure', me arse!

Paddy

I was only talkin about da cowld, Mary.

Mary

If I hear another pip out of ya, I'll put some manners on ya, wit me

116

backwards be da tail, in a minute, ya

hob-tails, ya chancer and a half! Releases grip on Paddy and continues her assault on the cowering Seamus. Seamus Honest to God!, Mary, I didn't do it on purpose, honest!, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! Will ya stop kickin me, for da love of God?! I'm wearin me Sunda best! Why didn't ya, try an' tum a lift?

Mary

Seamus

Mary

Looking around at the timorous patrons Tum a lift, he sez! Do ya hear him? I would have tumbed a lift, ya feckin cabbage head!, if there had have been, any feckin cars, or feckin tractors, or feckin motor-bikes, or feckin asses and carts, about da feckin place! More physical assaults on the cowering Seamus And to add to me misery and misfortune, didn't it begin to bucket down, and me wit five and a half miles still to go. Five and a half miles, in da lashin rain and da freezin cowld. I'm perished to da bone, so I am, wit da drownin I got. Ah, come on now Mary, be reasonable, for Christ's sake! Ye've already been to Mass, did mornin. Sure, it was only a wee skite! Looking around again, at her bewildered and frightened audience. 'A wee skite,' he sez! A wee skite me arse! Vicious kick Are ya blind as well as tick?, ya haverel! Can ya not see, I'm destroyed? Me costly cookin books are ruined. Me anorak's totally drenched. Me overalls are drenched. Even me camiknickers are soaken wet! What in da name of God, will I wear to bed tonight?

117 Seamus

Mary

Becoming assertive and impudent Ye could always wear them piss stained, auld long johns, yer grandfather left ya! Don't mock me grandfather, ya little scut! Have ya no respect for da sufferin souls? Not wan of ya, in here, is half da man, me grand- father was. When he gave his word, he kept it. Not like you, ya idle little maggot! I made da biggest mistake of me life, gettin involved wit a crowd of worthless, good for nothin, horse thieves!

Seamus

Ah, come on now Mary, there's no call for slander! Uncle Finbar, paid good money for dat chestnut mare. And he only borrowed dat piebald stallion, for a couple of years, until he got himself a tractor! It wasn't his fault, da stupid crayture up an' died, before he had a chance, to give it back to 'Tinker Magee'!

Mary

Will, ya listen to da lyin bastard?! Vicious kick Who do ya tink, yer coddin? Vicious kick Every tinker in da country, knows, Finbar Fogarty, was born a horse thief, and died a horse thief! I'm already a laughin stock in Drumlassiefartin, and now, yer after makin me look a right eejit in Killyclucker. Pulling him by the ear, and proceeding to haul him out of Grogan's, through door on right of stage. Yer comin home wit me right now, me boyo, and by Christ, ya better start sayin yer prayers! Because da minute we're in da door, I intend to shine yer arse wit dat auld strap, me grandfather left me! Ye'll not want to sit, on too many bar stools, when I'm finished wit ya, ya lump of cow shite! I promise ya dat!

Seamus

Mary hauls a screaming and petrified Seamus out of the pub. Lads try and stop her, for Jasus sake! She'll murdher me! Help!, please help me! Jesus Christ!, Mary, I'm sorry! Somebody call da Guards! Call me mammy!, call an ambulance!, call Fr. Flanagan!, call da bishop! Mary please!, I didn't mane it! It won't happen agin! Mammy!, mammy!, somebody help me, for God's sake! I'm too 118

young to die! Paddy and Tommy stand up hesitantly, bid farewell to Sean, and slowly walk out behind Seamus and Mary. Sean continues to occupy himself with his bar duties. Paddy

Good luck Sean! See ya!

Sean

Good Night!, now, Paddy. Take care!

Tommy

Good luck Sean! God bless!

Sean

See ya Tommy! All da best, now! Safe home!

FADE TO BLACK