99-Días-Sin-Ti.....
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99 DST...
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Querido Harry,
Han pasado dos semanas ya desde que tú ya no estas. No he estado bien. Los chicos tuvieron que enviarme con una psicóloga que me ayudara a olvidar. Pero, no puedo olvidar. Tú eres lo único en lo que pienso. Tu
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cabeza, llena de perfectos rizos color castaño, la forma en que tu sonrisa iluminaba una habitación, tus ojos verdes que tanto amo. Eres imposible de olvidar, Harry. De verdad, no quiero olvidar. Pero, por supuesto que los chicos están preocupados por mí. Yo igual estoy un poco preocupado por mí. Mi psicóloga está preocupada también, y es por eso que me ha regalado este diario, para que yo pueda escribir aquí mis pensamientos más íntimos. Supuestamente, yo le tengo que dar este diario cada semana para que ella pueda leer lo que yo pienso y como me siento, pero me siento raro dándoselo. La mayoría de mis pensamientos son sobre ti, así que yo creo que ella solo lo quiere leer para asegurarse de que estoy manejando tu partida con tranquilidad. Pero honestamente, no lo estoy haciendo, y sí, estoy cien por ciento seguros de que ella leerá esto. Pero la verdad tenía que salir tarde o temprano, ¿no es así? Ella nunca me específico sobre que tenía que escribir aquí, ella solo me dijo que tenía que escribir. Así que elegí escribirte a ti. Espero no te importe. Quiero que sepas como me ha caído la noticia y como estoy manejando esto. Te contare como es estar aquí, solo, sin ti. Lo que sienta estos últimos días, estará escrito aquí. Empezando por el día uno, o mejor dicho, el día en que dejaste este mundo.
Día uno:
Me levante, como lo hacía todas las mañanas, esperando encontrarte acurrucado en el lado izquierdo de la cama. Pero cuando di la vuelta para
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Cuando finalmente deje la cama, el silencio de la casa me aterro, y fue ahí cuando los nervios empezaron a patear la punta de mi estómago. Me sentía mareado, caminando alrededor de nuestro gran departamento, buscándote. Mis rodillas se hacían cada vez más débiles con cada paso que daba. Creo que se podría decir que finalmente mis rodillas no pudieron más y caí en el momento en que te encontré. Llore. Mucho, por cierto. Mis ojos me ardieron, dejando caer lagrimas toxicas y mi corazón latió con veneno cuándo te vi. Pero no te culpo, nunca lo hice. Me culpo a mí mismo. Nunca podre dejar de revivir ese día en mi mente, o borrar la imagen de tu cuerpo inmóvil acostado en el piso. Esa imagen me persigue todo el día y toda la noche. Hice la única cosa que podía hacer, llame a la ambulancia. Ellos llegaron a nuestro departamento en cuestión de minutos y te llevaron lejos de mí. Me era imposible moverme, tampoco Niall y Zayn, a quienes había llamado junto con Liam después de haber colgado con los paramédicos. paramédicos. Fue Liam quien nos llevó hasta al hospital en su carro, mientras yo lloraba silenciosamente en el asiento trasero. No lo podía creer, no lo quería creer. Día dos:
Tu familia estaba ahí. Todos estábamos ahí. Abrase a tu mama, tratando de hacerla sentir mejor mientras ella lloraba terriblemente, también tratando de contener unas cuantas lágrimas que estaban amenazando con salir. El resto de los chicos se encargaron de darle consuela a Gemma, quien empezó a gritar y golpear, negándose a creer que su hermano ya no está aquí. Lagrimas volaban por doquier, y se hizo difícil distinguir de quien eran las lágrimas, pero eso no importaba mucho.
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Me negaba a creer que te habías ido. Me sigo negando. Vas a regresar, ¿verdad? Espero que lo hagas. Todos están bastante jodidos con la noticia. Extraño como era antes, ¿sabes? ¿sabes? Ahora, rara vez ves a alguien sonreír. Extraño tu sonrisa.
Día tres:
Silencio. Esa es la única palabra que puedo usar para describir ese día. De hecho, cada día después del segundo ha sido puro silencio. No había ninguna palabra que decir. Todavía no hay. Los chicos y yo nos sentamos rígidamente en el sofá de Liam, lagrimas derramándose de nuestros ojos y mojando completamente nuestras mejillas. Ya no éramos One Direction. Nunca hubo un One Direction sin ti, y nunca habrá One Direction sin ti. Así que ese día nos la pasamos hundidos en nuestros despreciables pensamientos, y preguntándonos que deberíamos hacer ahora que te habías ido.
Día cuatro:
Encontré tu carta ese día. Tu familiar escritura me llevo a las lágrimas. No pude compartir tu carta con nadie. Anne me visito ese día. Creo que era miércoles, la verdad no tengo idea. No
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ver la televisión. Lo único que pasan son predicciones de porque habrás hecho lo que hiciste, pero yo sabía porque, así que no quería oír las teorías de los demás. Nuestras fans, las directioners, te extrañan. Muchas de ellas han venido hacia mí, mientras yo camino por la calle, llorando fuertemente y abrazándome, diciendo que de verdad sienten lo de mi pérdida. Ellas dicen que tú eras asombroso y una gran persona, que qu e tú no te merecías dejar este mundo tan joven. Yo estoy de acuerdo con ellas. ¿Por qué te fuiste? Bueno, yo sé por qué. Pero no puedo creerlo, no cabe en mi cabeza esa idea. Termine mostrándole la nota a tu mama. Sé que tu solo esperabas que la nota llegara a mí, y solo a mí, pero sentía que ella tenía derecho a saber. Lloro mucho, ¿sabes? Sentí que yo era el único culpable de esto, y el peso en mis hombros seguía creciendo y creciendo.
Día cinco:
Comenzamos a organizar tu funeral ese día. No sé si era demasiado temprano o demasiado tarde para hacerlo, lo único que sé es que nadie quería hacerlo. Nadie quería aceptar el hecho de que ya te habías ido.
Día seis:
Les mostré la nota a los chicos ese día. Bueno, no exactamente. La deje en el mostrador de la cocina y Zayn pasó por ahí. Después, Zayn entro a la sala con lágrimas en las mejillas y empezó a gritarme.
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Día siete:
Una semana sin ti en mí vida se siente como una eternidad. Me la pase todo el día viendo los viejos videos de The X Factor y nuestras entrevistas, pretendiendo que tú estabas ahí, riéndote conmigo.
Día ocho a doce:
Decidí escribir esos días acá porque la verdad no ha pasado casi nada. Zayn todavía se niega a hablarme, y no lo culpo. Niall y Liam tratan lo mejor que pueden de hablar conmigo pero me he vuelto distante. Ya no le hablo a nadie, excepto a ti por supuesto. Pero tú ya no estás aquí, y eso está empezando a preocuparles.
Día trece:
Creo que debía haberte dicho en la anterior página pero bueno, el día nueve terminamos de organizar tu funeral. Cuatro días después y ahí estaba yo, envuelto en negro y parado justo alado de un enorme hueco, donde tu estarás forzado a estar para siempre. Tu ataúd estaba cerrado. Todos sabemos cuánto detestabas que mucha gente te vea cuando no te veías decente. Todo estábamos de acuerdo que era lo mejor, y para ser honestos, no quería mirar tu rostro sabiendo que tus ojos jamás se volverían a abrir y nunca podría volver a mirar tus
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Volví a llorar ese día. Diablos, he llorado todos los días desde el día que te fuiste. Pero ese día fue peor. Cuando te estaban colocando adentro del enorme hueco, casi corro hacia ellos para detenerlos. Liam, Zayn y Niall tuvieron que sostenerme para que no lo hiciera. Después caí de rodillas en el suelo, llorando fuertemente. No pude mantenerme fuerte en tu funeral, y lo siento mucho. Debes de estar decepcionado de mí. Sé que tú me enseñaste que siempre tengo que ser fuerte. Pero solo soy fuerte cuando estoy contigo. Y ahora que ya no estas, no sé qué hacer conmigo mismo. Fue un largo funeral, y yo abrace a todos y cada uno de los miembros de tu familia, diciendo que lo siento y murmurando cosas incoherentes entre todo mi lloriqueo. Gemma y Anne me abrasaron más tiempo que los demás, mientras llorábamos en los hombros del otro. Cuando me aparte del abrazo de Gemma, la mire por un largo rato. Le dije que ustedes dos se parecían muchísimo. Ella es muy bonita Harry, y te prometo que cuidare de ella. También te prometo que cuidare de tu mamá. De todas maneras, ella siempre ha sido como una segunda madre para mí. Cuando la abrace, ella susurró algo en mi oído que nunca en mi vida voy a olvidar, y que de verdad espero que ella no me haya estado mintiendo. “Él te amaba, ¿sabías?” Ella susurró, y se apartó del abrazo sonriendo. Se
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como me sentía y cuales era mis pensamientos. No me gustaba que invadieran mi privacidad. Mis pensamientos se suponían que estarían ocultos, no que terminaran aquí. Pero ahora aquí estoy, escribiéndote. A veces hasta puedo sentirte, ¿sabes? Es como si tú estuvieras mirándome. En lugar de tener miedo, como me imaginaba que sería, es muy reconfortante.
Día quince:
Ahora estoy aquí, el día de hoy. Hoy, me siento… vacío. Pero creo que es lo que viene incluido cuando pierdes a una persona que amas, ¿o me equivoco? Sarah leyó mi diario anoche –¿Olvide decirte que el nombre de mi terapista era Sarah? Bueno, ese es su nombre.
Ella parecía muy decepcionada de mí, pero la verdad no me importo nada. Ella me dijo que parará de escribir en estas páginas, pero le dije que la verdad me estaba ayudando. Por un lado, lo está haciendo. Siento como si tú estuvieras aquí conmigo, leyendo todo lo que escribo en estas páginas.
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La gente está diciendo que One Direction se terminó, y está empezando a desgarrarme por dentro. Solo han pasado alrededor de dos semanas y la gente ya está empezando a hablar. Los chicos y yo estamos tratando de volver a trabajar, pero la verdad es que es muy pronto. No creemos que podremos soportar salir al escenario o ir al estudio todavía, sabiendo que nos falta un miembro del grupo, que nunca va a regresar. No es como que hayamos negado los rumores. De hecho, ya tampoco creo que seamos One Direction. Con solo cuatro de nosotros, solo somos Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Niall Horan y Zayn Malik. Tú eres la persona a la que se le ocurrió el nombre de la banda Haz, así que si tu no estás aquí se sentiría mal llamarnos a nosotros mismos One Direction. Yo sé que probablemente a ti te gustaría que sigamos adelante, que sigamos con nuestra carrera como una banda. Pero es demasiado difícil. ¿Por qué no puedes simplemente regresar?
Día diecisiete a veinte:
Lo siento, olvide escribir en este diario estos últimos días. Para ser honestos, ni si quiera he salido de la cama. Estoy simplemente cansado. Creo que tú entiendes de lo que hablo ya que tú estarás dormido por una eternidad. ¿Fue muy eso rudo? No sé. No sé qué pasa después de la muerte, pero algunos dicen que es un mundo negro donde quedas
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intento fuertemente evitar cualquier red social existente. Todavía no estoy preparado para enfrentar el mundo real. Niall pasa por el departamento frecuentemente. Creo que es el que qu e más se preocupa por mí de los chicos. Yo solía ser el quien siempre estaba sonriendo, el que siempre le alegraba el día a los demás. Ahora, ya no soy esa persona, aunque Niall intenta estar aquí. El intenta hacerme sonreír y yo aprecio el esfuerzo. Simplemente no sé si seré capaz de sonreír otra vez.
Día veintiuno y veintidós:
Liam se quedó a dormir en el departamento estas dos últimas noches. Ahorita, el está dormido en el sillón alado de mí. Se siente bien tener a alguien en el departamento conmigo. Cuando estoy solo, el departamento se siente muy grande y muy vacío. Creo que les pediré a los chicos que se queden a dormir conmigo más seguido. ¿Solo si eso está bien para ti?
Simplemente ya no quiero sentirme solo. Zayn me hablo hoy. Se disculpó por haber estallado conmigo. Yo estaba
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Tú deberías debiste haber soportado un día más. Así, estarías conmigo ahora. Podríamos haber sido felices.
Día Veintitrés:
La terapia es una tortura absoluta. No estoy mejorando para nada. Sarah me sigue diciendo que me rinda, que deje de escribir aquí porque no me está ayudando en nada. Pero no puedo parar. Si lo hago, siento como si te estuviera traicionando. No te puedo defraudar. No otra vez.
Día Veinticuatro:
Sarah me pregunto acerca de la carta hoy. No sé por qué nunca me había preguntado acerca de ella. Cuando me preguntó, no pude contener mis lágrimas, aun así, le di la carta que ahora solo era un pedazo de papel arrugado. ¿Es raro que lleve tu carta conmigo a todos lados? Se siente como si tuviera una clase de fuego haciendo un hoyo en mi bolsillo, recordándome el dolor que todo esto me causa a todos lados donde vaya, pero simplemente no la puedo dejar. Es una de las últimas memorias que tengo de ti.
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Nunca seré capaz de poderlas cantar tan bien como tú lo hacías. Tu voz era una en un millón, te lo juro. Cada vez que tú cantabas, todo el mundo se hacía borroso ante mis ojos, y lo único que podía ver era a ti. Pedí que me hicieran un CD de todas las canciones que hemos h emos cantado juntos, pero sé que no me lo darán. Liam me escucho pedirlo y sé que les dijo que no lo hicieran. Pero aun así, todavía tengo Youtube. Dios bendiga el internet. He escuchado tu voz toda la noche, empezando por las actuaciones en The X Factor, hasta nuestro álbum. Nunca me cansare de oír tu voz, y siento que esta es la única manera de oírla de nuevo.
Día Veintiséis:
Visite Cheshire hoy. Camine por las calles por un rato largo, solo inhalando los lugares por los que una vez pasaste, imaginando que estabas aquí conmigo, agarrando mi mano.
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Camine hacia a la puerta y me fui. No creo que ella había espero que me fuera, porque la escuche llamar mi nombre desde la entrada, pero la ignore mientras me subía a mi carro. Estaba llorando tanto que tuve que parar en la carretera, recibiendo pitidos fuertes y frías miradas de las personas que pasaban por ahí. Pero no me moleste en ver ni oír nada de eso. Lo único que podía ver era a ti, Harry. Podía escuchar tu voz, hablándome, y eso fue suficiente para hacer que me tranquilizará, así que pude manejar a salvo el resto del camino a casa.
Día veintisiete:
Hoy pase todo el día en cama. Ignore todas las llamadas y todos los mensajes. Niall, Zayn y Liam vinieron al departamento, aporreando la puerta de mí, digo, nuestro cuarto y diciéndome que abra, que ellos solo
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Mi lloriqueo lo despertó y él se abalanzo en mis brazos. Niall da buenos abrazos, como tú ya sabes, así que me aferre a él por un rato muy largo, no oí a Niall quejándose, o alejándose de mí, ni una sola vez. El lloro conmigo, y en ese momento me sentí más cerca de Niall de lo que alguna vez me he sentido. Me arrepiento de no haberle dado la atención y el e l amor que él se merecía antes.
Día veintinueve:
Mañana va a ser todo un mes. Todo un u n mes desde que tú ya no estás y encuentro realmente difícil el aceptarlo. Siento como si fuera ayer cuando tú todavía estabas lleno de vida y riendo tanto que aplaudías tontamente con tus manos. Amaba cuando hacías eso, cerrarías tus ojos fuertemente, fue rtemente, aplaudirías y reirías sin que saliera sonido de tu boca. Pero cuando lo hacía, te avergonzarías y te la taparías. No sé por qué no querías que te oyéramos reír, tu risa era realmente hermosa.
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Pero sin importar eso, ese fue el momento en el que más me he sentido cercano a ellos en toda mi vida.
Día treinta y uno:
Creo que eso es todo hasta ahora. He tenido este pensamiento en la mente en el que tú volverías, y que esto era solo una horrible pesadilla que estaba teniendo. Que podía despertar en cualquier momento y que tú estarías acostado en la cama, justo a lado de mí, sonriendo como lo hacías todas las mañanas.Pero me estoy empezando a dar cuenta de que no volverás. Hoy ni siquiera sabía que hacer conmigo mismo. Creo que los chicos sabían que hoy quería estar solo, así que no molestaron con mensajes ni llamadas, y ninguno de ellos vino al departamento a ver si estaba bien. Lo
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soportar ver mi reflejo en el espejo. Así que lo golpee, más fuerte de lo que he empujado algo en mi vida. El dolor de las cortaduras solo eran temporales, un rato después sentí una ola de éxtasis llegar a mí. Me gustaba ese sentimiento, de poder controlar mi propio dolor en lugar de que este apareciera solo. Estaba a la mitad de limpiarme las cortaduras cuando Liam entro al cuarto, diciendo que había oído un golpe, pero de repente él se quedó en silencio, mirando mi mano. Miro mi mano, después al espejo y por ultimo a mí, me miro justo a la cara. Creo que eso fue un poco raro ya que yo me encontraba sonriendo, pero el inmediatamente me saco de la habitación y me cargo hasta su carro para llevarme al hospital.
Día treinta y tres:
Hay un vendaje alrededor de mi mano ahora, y no me gusta para nada. Quiero poder ver las cicatrices y pasar mis dedos por ellas. Para mí, son
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También me desmaye en el estudio, y ahora la gente se está empezando a preocupar un poco. Aunque yo sé que estoy bien. No solo lo sé, lo estoy. Solo no tengo hambre.
Día treinta y cinco:
Las chicos y el equipo de Simón no me han perdido de vista durante las últimas veinticuatro horas, asegurándose que coma todo lo que están en mi plato y que no lo vomite. Me duele el estómago y no sé por cuánto tiempo más poder soportar la tortura de comer. Ya ni siento el sabor de la comida, y aunque mi estómago quiera más, no puedo soportar más que una cucharada.
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Día treinta y siete:
El deseo de aliviar mi dolor sigue creciendo y creciendo. El involuntario deseo de querer golpear algo de vidrio sigue apareciendo. Eso imposible para cualquiera poder cumplir ese deseo cuando tienes a tres pares de ojos mirándote todo el tiempo. Los chicos no han dejado mi departamento estos últimos dos días, y tengo el presentimiento de que no se irán pronto.
Día treinta y ocho:
Los chicos me están forzando a volver a terapia desde que se dieron cuenta de que no he ido a nuestras sesiones y que he estado ignorando las
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tres solo estuvimos dando vueltas por el departamento, sin hablar. Ellos sugirieron ir al parque, pero aparte de ir a terapia, no creo que esté listo para dejar la casa todavía. Hoy Niall encontró mi diario, y cuando me pregunto que era yo simplemente se lo arrebate de las manos y le grite que me dejara ser. Sé que debía haber sido más gentil … todos estamos todavía en un estado muy frágil. Debí haber sabido que había ido demasiado lejos cuando el salió con lágrimas en los ojos del departamento, y Zayn llego unos minutos después, solo para regañarme por mi comportamiento. “Necesitas crecer Lou, y superar el pasado. Todos estamos desgarrados por lo que paso pero no puedes descargar tu dolor y frustración en
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leyendo el periódico silenciosamente en el sillón. Cuando noto mi presencia, el me miro y sonrío ligeramente hacia a mí, palmeando el lugar a lado de él, invitándome a sentarme a ir. Yo me quede parado donde me encontraba y el solo suspiro fuertemente antes de hablar. “¿Cómo te sientes?” El pregunto. No sé si era la resaca hablando o si yo había olvidado todo. Pero como lo dije, se siente demasiado irreal para mí. Aunque, me arrepiento de lo que dije después. “¿Dónde está Harry?” Las lágrimas entonces comenzaron a brotar de los ojos de Liam, y se acostó en el sillón a llorar fuertemente. Le iba a preguntar qué pasaba cuando de repente la realidad me golpeo. Tú te habías ido. Sé que lo he dicho incontables veces antes pero no lo había creído hasta hoy. Tú de verdad ya no estabas más.
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mi frágil y delgado cuerpo. Le dije que por favor no llorara, y que solo necesito descansar. Pero estoy equivocado, yo solo necesito que regreses aquí, conmigo.
Día cuarenta y cinco:
Tuve un sueño hoy, vi tu rostro. Cielos Harry, estoy empezando a olvidar como eres, estoy empezando a olvidar la forma de tu rostro, tu figura. Claro, puedo mirar fotografías, pero las fotografías no se mueven, o se ríen, o parpadean. Las fotografías solo son memorias capturadas. Pero esas memorias están empezando a desaparecer. Tal vez solo son los químicos que pasan por mis venas, de los varios cables que están e stán pegados a mí, pero las memorias están empezando a desparecer. Y no puedo perder las pocas
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Día cuarenta y siete:
El equipo de Simón me sugirió que me tomara un mes de vacaciones, para estar con mi familia y curarme. Pero lo que ellos no entiende es que mis heridas nunca se curaran, no es que no quiera visitar a mi familia, por supuesto que quiero, los extraño mucho, pero si me voy ¿Quién cuidara
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quiero que las fans me vean así, en este estado. Llevo puesto tu gorro viejo, también llevo puesto tus camiseta blanca favorita, la que siempre te ponías en las mañanas. Estoy muy delgado para esta enorme camiseta que está abrazando mi cuerpo, pero no me importa cómo me vea, mientras tenga algo que me recuerde a ti pegado a mí. Estoy dejando el departamento- nuestro departamento. Nuestro departamento, donde tenemos enormes cantidades de memorias, unas que estoy empezando a olvidar con cada día que pasa, cada día que no estas junto a mí.
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Si, ya sé que estos han h an sido muchos días como para apretarlos y escribirlos en una sola página… pero la verdad no quería aburrirte con todos los días que pasaba en compañía de mis hermanas, mi mamá y mi padrastro. Porque prácticamente todos los días nos la pasábamos haciendo la misma rutina. Me despertaba cuando Phoebe o Daisy tironeaban todos y cada uno de los cabellos de mi cabeza, riéndose hasta que me despertara, y
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ser honesto, siento un peso caer de mis hombros h ombros cada vez que digo tu nombre. Aunque al mismo tiempo, me lastima. No sé cómo explicarlo, pero así es. Mark me vino a visitar un día, preguntándome como estaba. Le dije que ya me sentía mejor, que estaba bien, justo como le decía a todos, pero para ser verdad el no pareció creerme como todos los demás lo hacen. h acen. Nos sentamos un rato, platicando sobre todo y sobre nada, hasta que se
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Estoy en el tren que me llevara de vuelta a Londres, y déjame decirte que estoy muy nervioso. Más nervioso de lo que jamás he estado. Más nervioso de lo que estaba en nuestro primer concierto, cuando tú susurraste palabras para hacerme sentir mejor y creer que todo iba a salir bien, en mi oído antes de que subamos al escenario. Me sonreíste antes de que la canción empezara, y después de eso me sentí invencible. Es triste saber que nunca tendré la oportunidad de cantar contigo otra vez
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Tú te llevaste un trozo de mi cuando te fuiste, Harry. Yo ahora soy solo una parte de quien era antes. Ahora estoy roto, estoy muy lastimado por
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“Todos lo amábamos, sabes. Ustedes se amaban, era realmente obvio. A ti también te amamos, Lou, nunca lo olvides. Por favor, nunca lo olvides.”
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Día setenta y seis:
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De todas maneras la deje aquí. La deje justo enfrente de ti. Tengo planeado estar aquí por un rato, así que traje unas cuentas sabanas y una botella de
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Día ochenta y ochenta y uno:
Lo siento por no ir a visitarte ayer. Niall, Liam y Zayn parecían tener
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