99 Best Texts

Secciones de textos

Seccion 1:respúestas anzuelo ... 4 Seccion2:día siguiente ............ 10 Seccion3:haciendo planes. ..... 13 Section4:respuestas doradas . 18 Seccion 5:poniéndolo sexual ... 25 Seccion 6:situacionales .......... 30 Seccion 7:humor aleatorio ...... 35

© 2012, todos los derechos reservados primera edicion The 99 Best Texts of ALL TIME by Bobby Rio (TSB Magazine) and Rob Judge (Date Hotter Girls, LLC) © 2012, All

Right Reserved

Este libro incluye copyright 2012 con todos los derechos reservados. Es ilegal copiar, distribuir, o crear obras derivadas de este libro integro o en parte o contribuir a la copia, distribución, o creación de obras derivadas de este libro. Cuando usted compro este libro, usted acepto esta declaración: “©2012, todos los derechos reservados usted entiende que la información contenida en este libro es una opinión, y debe ser utilizada exclusivamente con fines de entretenimiento personal. Usted es responsable del uso adecuado, y nada en este libro deberá ser considerado para uso legal o personal.”

Seccion

1

Respuestas anzuelo

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e x T

# 9 9

Texto de un hit asombroso

te gustan las piñas coladas y/o correr bajo la lluvia?

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e x T

# 9 8

eL geNeRadOr dE peQueÑos

Cuáles son tus sentimientos a cerca tener un pequeño?

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R es p o ns e Bait

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# 9 7

roJo o bLanCo ? Cuál es tu vino favorito?

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GirL’s

# 9 6

GOt

taLent

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re an in-the-closet creative nerd. What secret talent do you possess?

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PuPPy

# 9 5

eyes

text

Most important question ever: do you prefer big dogs or small dogs?

5

R es p o ns e Bait

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e x T

# 9 4

absurd Weekend PLans Weekend’s here! Finally time to smoke some crack, steal some cars, get busted on a few counts of racketeering, and maybe bake some gingerbread cookies…what you up to?

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# 9 3

M u s i c P i r a t e F i r s t M at e Bored at work…give me a good jam to illegally download on the company computer

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e x T

textinG

a

# 9 2 FOreiGner

Even your texts have a weird accent… where are they from?

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R es p o ns e Bait

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e x T

# 9 1

LauGHinG @ bad MOvies Please tell me that you DON’T secretly go to the Twilight movies

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We

e x T aLL

# 9 0

tHink

it

Am I the only one who finds perverse pleasure when assholes from high school get fat? (Thank you Facebook!)

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inked

# 8 9

dOGGy

st

yLe

I’m considering getting my dog a tramp stamp… do you know any good tattoo artists?

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R es p o ns e Bait

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e x T

# 8 8

d e a d a n y W ay , L a s t r e s O r t

I feel like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense lol am I a ghost? Do you respond to texts from dead people?

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GOOd

# 8 7

Luck

cHarM

Red or black? Quick!

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# 8 6

L ea rn t O s P e a k WOMan I just overheard a girl calling some guy a “random creeper.” Can you translate this womanese for me?

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R es p o ns e Bait

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# 8 5

sHe’s a cHarMinG Lass What sorts of things do you do when you aren’t charming the pants off dreamy guys named [your name]?

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Section

2

The Day After

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attack

# 8 4

OF tHe

cOuGars

Things got pretty wild after you left last night…some aggressive cougar grabbed my butt! And I have the handprints to prove it! –Rob, that dashing man from [venue]

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POr

# 8 3

L at i n a

LOve

Hola! Encantado de concorele! Mucho gusto ;) Rob

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The Day A fter

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# 8 2

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bad GirL, GOOd text

Hey badass…when you get bailed out of jail, hit me up

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# 8 1

e x T

u n d e r s tat e d aWesOMe

For lack of a more Shakespearean first text, just wanted to say it’s Rob and enjoyed meeting you last night!

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textinG

# 8 0

anOnyMOus

I was trying to kick my text addiction, but decided to relapse just for you

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The Day A fter

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WiLd

# 7 9

niGHt

After last night we owe a large debt to karma. I’m a little scared.

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e x T

# 7 8

sOuL-destrOyinG Fun I think I sprained my soul last night

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Section

3

Making Plans

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# 7 7

d i v e b a r M at H e q u at i O n

Monday night = dive bar night. You = my date. Let’s get a drink later!

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rOMantic

# 7 6 exPLOrer

Come join me for a romantic adventure. Will be fun—let me know ;]

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M a ki n g P l an s

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# 7 5

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PHOne b O O k nOstaLGia

Wow, just scrolling through my phone and realize we never met up. So tragic. Let’s do something about that; what you doing later?

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siMPLe

# 7 4

directness

Drinks? Later?

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nerd

LOve

# 7 3 FOr

tWO

There’s a nerdy movie I want to see, but I need a cute nerdy girl to watch it with…know any?

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M a ki n g P l an s

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# 7 2

e x T

back

tO

tHe

O L d d ay s

Let’s be traditional and enjoy an old fashioned drink together

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# 7 1

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tHe irOn cHeF

OF

LOve

Cancel your plans tonight—I am preparing you a culinary experience that will rock your face off

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deLiciOus

# 7 0 surPrise

Tonight I will plan everything. All I need to know is if you have peanut allergies… everything else will be a surprise!

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S ectio n Title

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cOOkinG

# 6 9

uP

LOve

Slaving over a hot oven for you lady! What time are you free tonight?

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GirL

WitH

# 6 8 a

dOG

How about me, you, my dog, and your dog go on a double date?

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take

# 6 7

tHe

PLunGe

Shark week’s over. It’s safe to go out again. Meet for drinks? Later?

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M a ki n g P l an s

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MOck

GanG

# 6 6

banGers

Yo gangsta, when are we gonna go on that crime spree?

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# 6 5

d at e P L a n n e r c O M P L i M e n t Will your wit and charm be making an appearance tonight at [venue]?

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Section

4

Golden Responses

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# 6 4

e x T

dOn’t drink

tHe

H at e r a i d

Don’t. Hate.

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i n s u Lt

# 6 3

turnarOund

If by inappropriate you mean utterly charming, then you’re right ;]

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G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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# 6 2

e x T

Hear tHru

tHe

GraPevine

Can only tell you over a glass of wine.

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sO

# 6 1

e x T MucH

in

cOMMOn

You like (something you like)?! It’s as if you know my soul!

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# 6 0

GOOd babisMs

tO

knOW

These are good [girl’s name]-isms to know

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G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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# 5 9

e x T

MisunderstOOd HuMOr You thought I was serious. Wow. Let me explain absurdity over a strong drink…

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# 5 8

e x T

textuaL

WisdOM

Your texts are always packed with Confucius-esque wisdom

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# 5 7

nO resPOnse breaker

You know I love shy girls and here you are acting like one!

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G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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text

# 5 6

cOMPLiMent

You know, our text convos are so good that 100 years from now high school kids will study them like they now read Shakespeare

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# 5 5

e x T

aMazinG

texts

Where did you learn to text like this? It’s like you channel the ghost of Voltaire with your thumbs

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Hard

tO

# 5 4

Get

text

Why you always playing hard to get lady?

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G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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# 5 3

e x T

aFter

bOMb

a

On a scale from 1 to 10, that text was abysmal

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# 5 2

e x T

FLake

bustinG

101

You’re sick? Here’s the cure…STRONG DRINKS WITH HOT GUYS NAMED [your name]. See you at 8?

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Mass

# 5 1

text

H at e r

Mass texts are about as polite as punches in the face

22

G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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# 5 0

e x T

aFter

HiLarit y

Hilarious! I wish my phone had a laugh track…that was comedy gold!

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aFter

# 4 9

sWeetness

How many other guys did you text that to? ;]

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aFter

# 4 8

buLLsHit

The lady doth protest too much methinks

23

G o ld e n R es p o n s es

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sLOW

# 4 7 texter

Is the Pony Express delivering your texts?! You take forever to respond! Don’t think so much about it—just text!

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request

# 4 6

Line

Wear the black dress you know I love!

24

Section

5

Getting Sexual

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# 4 5

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# 4 4

sexy cOMMandO Wish you were here to cuddle under a blanket, drink wine, and watch a Rambo movie

PiLLOW FiGHt cHaLLenGe On a scale from 1 to awesome, how would you rate your pillow fighting ability?

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G e t ting S ex ual

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# 4 3

e x T

sHe’s sick, yOu’re s ick e r You’re sick? Well I’d still make out with you shamelessly. Even if you had the Ebola virus.

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# 4 2

e x T

HOtness

requst

The question is “sexy lingerie?” and the answer is “yes!”

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H O L i d ay

# 4 1

cHeer

Tis the season to be cuddling…don’t be a Grinch with your cuddles!

26

G e t ting S ex ual

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# 4 0

e x T

cHddLe

caLL-Out

How good are your cuddling skills?

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sexy

Or

# 3 9

traditiOnaL

Needed: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. It will be a night of greatness or tragedy. Orrrrrrrr we can just go out to dinner ;]

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Funny

&

# 3 8

sexuaL

I just want to cradle you in my arms and feed you applesauce

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G e t ting S ex ual

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# 3 7

e x T

neW

years

trends

I heard making out with dreamy guys named [your name] is IN for 2012

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# 3 6

e x T

O b v i O u s Ly

sexuaL

Won’t answer that. I prefer to have an aura of mystique surrounding me and my penis

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cuddLe

# 3 5 tiMe

What are you doing right now and how can we add some cuddling to that?

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G e t ting S ex ual

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# 3 4

e x T

back

tO

tHe

d ay s . . .

Let’s take a field trip back to the days when making out was considered “risqué”

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MassaGe

# 3 3 tHearPy

It’s 10:23 on a Monday morning and I’m in the mood to give some charming lady a massage…

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Section

6

Situational

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# 3 2

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arrivinG

tO

a

d at e

Just got here… look for man holding the bushel of flowers in front of the Mexican string quartet playing love ballads in your honor

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bad

drunk

# 3 1 beHaviOr

Drunk me was misbehaving last night. My apologies for the poor behavior. Sober me gave him a stern lecture this morning and it WON’T happen again

30

S it uatio n al

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# 3 0

e x T

Out

tOucH

OF

Sorry I’ve been MIA…working hard so we can have that house in the hills, white picket fence, and 2.5 children

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# 2 9

e x T

Funny neW years text My New Years Resolution is to start texting in the third person. [Your name] wants to see you later for some hot magic at the [venue] .

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WOrkinG ,

# 2 8 WitH

LOve

I have to work tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

31

S it uatio n al

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Winter

# 2 7

d at e

text

The colder it gets, the better hot chocolate tastes. Meet me later for a winter wonderdate.

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# 2 6

e x T

best

b i r t H d ay

text

It’s birthday season! Act surprised when the midget pops out of the cake I sent you…my way of saying happy birfday!

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e x T

Pre-GaMe

# 2 5 text

WARNING: This is the last sober text you will receive from me for the night. Admire the grammar, spelling, and punctuation while it lasts!

32

S it uatio n al

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# 2 4

e x T

aFter

MessinG

uP

What are you doing Sunday? My lackluster performance last night was intentional: it can only go up from here!

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# 2 3

e x T

cHristMas

JOker

I just realized how bossy the guy who sings “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” comes off. Hope he never got that figgy pudding, what a demanding prick!

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e x T

neW

years

# 2 2

HiLarit y

Text from the future (don’t open until next year)… wanted to say Happy New Years to you before you’re bombarded with mass texts…

33

S it uatio n al

T r

e x T

# 2 1

e s P O n s i b L e

G

i F t s

I’m just gonna stay home for my birthday. It’s my b-day gift to my liver.

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nO

e x T

s u b t Ly

# 2 0 at

aLL

Here’s a hint of the gift I got you: it’s hard to gift-wrap an orgasm.

34

Section

7

Random Humor

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bad

Face

# 1 9

Hair

d ay

My friend just tried to convince me to grow a handlebar mustache. He was overwhelmingly unsuccessful. Do you have any feelings on mustaches?

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# 1 8

O L d c r e e P e r c O M M e n ta r y Just saw an old man on a scooter w/ kneepads checking out babes. Made my morning…

35

R and o m Hu m o r

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# 1 7

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# 1 6

MOckinG c O r P O r at e Sweatpants to job interview = poor life decision

beinG

an

a r i s t O c r at

In the penthouse, listening to Mozart, sipping aged Scotch, thinking of you

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distant

# 1 5 MeMOries

I was just reminded me of you. Wow…

36

R and o m Hu m o r

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based

On a

# 1 4

true stOry

Confession: The Twilight films are loosely based on my life

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F a M i Ly

# 1 3

Weirdness

My grandfather just slipped me a condom. Our relationship went from 0 to awkward FAST!

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e x T

# 1 2

best LOOkinG cHiLdren Let’s spawn some Zoolander-looking children together…keep your day planner open!

37

R and o m Hu m o r

T r

# 1 1

e x T O

c

k

s

t

a

r

s

Let’s start a rock band. Can you learn the drums by Tuesday?

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sHOOtGun

# 1 0 textinG

Is it possible to get married over text? Because if I have another beer, that might sound like a great life decision

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Fear

OF

#

9

ninJas

There may or may not be a ninja in my room right now

38

R and o m Hu m o r

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#

8

s ta r b u c ks Music s u c k s The music in Starbucks makes me want to slit my wrists. Please tell me you will join me in my hatred of sappy Starbucks music!

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# 7

s at u r d ay n i G H t Fe ve r Tonight you will see the greatest dance moves from a heterosexual man…OF ALL TIME

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# 6

F u n n y s e L F - d e P r e c at i n G Actually, you don’t want to see me…. I reached an all time low drinking 4loco out of a Gatorade bottle

39

R and o m Hu m o r

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HOLd

On tO

# 5

t H at FeeLinG

Please tell me you haven’t stopped believing per the advice of Journey

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d ay d r e a M s

# 4 OF

Her

Ahh, bored at work. Would much rather be wrestling alligators with you

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e x T

cOFFee

# 3

addict

I need Starbucks rehab. 3 times today, and I’m STILL craving some vente love…

40

R and o m Hu m o r

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# 2

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# 1

breakFast OF cHaMPs Just ate a pancake that changed my life

tHuMb

LOve

Texting you makes my thumbs happy

41