75 Habits for a Happy Marriage - Ashley David Bush

75 HABITS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE Marriage Advice to Recharge and Reconnect Every Day A SHLEY DA V IS BU SH, LCSW AND DA N IEL A RTHU R BU SH, PHD

Dedication To our c hi l dr en, El i zab eth, Channi ng, Setse, V i c tor i a, and Inl e May y ou k now the joy s of ex tr aor di nar y l ov e and may y ou nur tur e i t w i th happi ness hab i ts ev er y day

Contents Intr oduc ti on Part I : The F undamentals Chapter 1: Extraordinary Love Chapter 2: Happiness Habits Part I I : Connection-Building Habits Chapter 3: Y our Daily Thread: Habits to Weave Through Y our Day Hab i t 1 : Good Mor ni ng, Sunshi ne Hab i t 2: Fi r st Li ght Hab i t 3: It’s Rai ni ng Lov e Hab i t 4: So Long, Far ew el l Hab i t 5: Tex t Tr eat Hab i t 6: Pi c tur e Thi s Hab i t 7 : Puppy Lov e Hab i t 8: Touc h Tone Hab i t 9: Thank s f or the Memor i es Hab i t 1 0: Shak e It U p, Bab y Hab i t 1 1 : Li f e and Br eath

Chapter 4: Let’s Get Phy sical: Habits to Share Y our Bodies Hab i t 1 2: N ec k i ng Hab i t 1 3: Str aw b er r y Hab i t 1 4: Some Body Hab i t 1 5: Teddy Bear Hab i t 1 6: I W i tness Hab i t 1 7 : Tune U p Hab i t 1 8: Bi r thday Sui t Hab i t 1 9: I W anna Hol d Your Hand Hab i t 20: Footsi e Hab i t 21 : Coast to Coast Part I I I : Communication-Building Habits Chapter 5: Shall We Dance? Habits on a Date with Y our Mate Hab i t 22: The Dati ng Game Hab i t 23: Better to Gi v e Hab i t 24: Song Bi r ds Hab i t 25: Thr ough the Year s Hab i t 26: Gone w i th the W i nd Hab i t 27 : Dr eam On

Hab i t 28: Li ght Br i ght Hab i t 29: N ew W i r i ng Hab i t 30: Choi c e Cuts Hab i t 31 : Home Sw eet Home Chapter 6: I Second That Emotion: Habits for Couples in Conflict Hab i t 32: Hal f Ful l Hab i t 33: Ki ss and Mak e U p Hab i t 34: Let Fr eedom Ri ng Hab i t 35: Thr ough Your Ey es Onl y Hab i t 36: For W hom the Bel l Tol l s Hab i t 37 : Peek ab oo Hab i t 38: Ter ms of A gr eement Hab i t 39: Cushi on Hab i t 40: Zi p It Hab i t 41 : Teamw or k Hab i t 42: Code Red Hab i t 43: Tak e Tw o Part I V: I ntimacy -Building Habits Chapter 7: Sensory Spotlight: Habits for a Sensual Boost

Hab i t 44: Fac e It Hab i t 45: Sl ow Danc i ng Hab i t 46: Ey e Candy Hab i t 47 : Mi nd’s Ey e Hab i t 48: Spoonf ul of Sugar Hab i t 49: Sounds of Si l enc e Hab i t 50: Li sten to Thi s Hab i t 51 : A i r Fr eshener Hab i t 52: Comi ng U p Roses Hab i t 53: Candl el i ght N i ght Chapter 8: People Will Say We’re in Love: Habits to Open Y our Hearts Hab i t 54: Ful l Cup Hab i t 55: Hear tstr i ngs Hab i t 56: A ngel W i ngs Hab i t 57 : Hear t to Hear t Hab i t 58: Penny Hab i t 59: Phone Home Hab i t 60: Sti c k y Honey Hab i t 61 : Bab y Dol l Hab i t 62: Go Pub l i c

Hab i t 63: Onl y You Hab i t 64: Magi c Chapter 9: The Wind Beneath My Wings: Habits to Connect Y ou in Spirit Hab i t 65: Bl ess You Hab i t 66: Heav en on Ear th Hab i t 67 : Teac her ’s Pet Hab i t 68: Toast of the Tow n Hab i t 69: Honk Hab i t 7 0: Say Cheese Hab i t 7 1 : W ak e U p Hab i t 7 2: State of the U ni on Hab i t 7 3: Cav e Ti me Hab i t 7 4: My Guy Hab i t 7 5: Haw ai i an Luau Conc l usi on: Saf e Har b or Bi b l i ogr aphy

Introduction Imagi ne b ei ng together w i th the one y ou l ov e w i thout negati v i ty . Imagi ne a r i c h, l ov i ng r el ati onshi p b ui l t on the f oundati ons of k i ndness, appr ec i ati on, c ompl i ments, af f ec ti on, suppor t, honesty , tender ness, and attenti on. Imagi ne ex per i enc i ng these f ul f i l l i ng qual i ti es on a dai l y b asi s. The k ey to a gr eat mar r i age i s the qual i ty of the hab i ts y ou shar e together . Heal thy , posi ti v e hab i ts c r eate an ex tr aor di nar i l y happy mar r i age. N egati v e hab i ts c r eate c hr oni c di ssati sf ac ti on. For tunatel y , heal thy hab i ts c an b e l ear ned. Thi s b ook w i l l hel p y ou l ear n and i ntegr ate them i nto y our dai l y l i f e. You c an r ead the c hapter s f r om star t to f i ni sh or si mpl y c hoose one hab i t at a ti me f r om w hi c hev er sec ti on i nter ests y ou the most. The f our par ts of thi s b ook i nc l ude the f ol l ow i ng: Par t I, “The Fundamental s,” of f er i ng a thor ough gr oundi ng i n the essenti al el ements of under standi ng ex tr aor di nar y l ov e and the natur e of hab i ts. Par t II, “Connec ti on-Bui l di ng Hab i ts,” of f er i ng tw o c hapter s of hab i ts that ar e usef ul on a dai l y b asi s to hel p y ou c onnec t emoti onal l y and phy si c al l y . Par t III, “Communi c ati on-Bui l di ng Hab i ts,” of f er i ng tw o c hapter s of hab i ts to hel p y ou tal k to eac h other w hen y ou’r e out on a date and w hen y ou’r e ex per i enc i ng c onf l i c t (w hi c h i s i nev i tab l e, b y the w ay ).

Par t IV , “Inti mac y -Bui l di ng Hab i ts,” of f er i ng thr ee c hapter s of hab i ts that f oc us on the senses, hear t, and spi r i t as gatew ay s to tak i ng y our r el ati onshi p to a new di mensi on, b oth deeper and hi gher . W e k now that these hab i ts w or k f or c oupl es b ec ause they ar e b ased on c utti ng-edge mar r i age c ounsel i ng tec hni ques, mi ndf ul ness sc i enc e, ener gy medi c i ne, posi ti v e psy c hol ogy , neur osc i enc e, attac hment theor y , spi r i tual pr i nc i pl es, and c ommon sense. Eac h of the 7 5 happi ness hab i ts i s tr i gger ed b y an or di nar y “pr ompt” i n y our l i f e, suc h as “w hen y ou’r e eati ng di nner ” or “w hen y ou’r e w atc hi ng TV together .” You’l l f i nd that the hab i ts tak e al most no ti me to ab sor b i nto f ul l and b usy l i f esty l es. A dopti ng ev en a handf ul of them w i l l mak e a huge i mpac t on y our mar r i age. Eac h hab i t i s al so i l l ustr ated w i th an anec dote, ei ther per sonal or c l i ni c al . A l l c l i ent names and i denti f y i ng c har ac ter i sti c s hav e b een c hanged i n or der to pr otec t pr i v ac y . Many of the stor i es ar e c omposi tes b ased on A shl ey ’s tw enty -f i v e y ear s of c l i ni c al ex per i enc e. A ny spec i f i c c ase or si tuati on that y ou may r ec ogni ze i s pur el y c oi nc i dental . Thi s b ook i s gener al l y w r i tten i n the f i r st per son b ased on my (A shl ey ’s) l ong c ar eer as a ther api st, b ut i t i s v er y muc h a mutual c ol l ab or ati on. Dani el i s not onl y a v i gi l ant edi tor and c ontr i b utor b ut has al so dev el oped, tested, and c onti nues to l i v e the hab i ts w i th me. Thi s b ook si mpl y w oul dn’t hav e b een possi b l e w i thout b oth of us.

Dani el and I hav e b een f or tunate to ex per i enc e a w onder f ul l y r i c h and heal i ng l ov e together . Our mar r i age sustai ns and enr i c hes us b oth i ndi v i dual l y and joi ntl y . How ev er , w e k now that w e c an’t tak e our r el ati onshi p f or gr anted. Ev en a w ondr ous l ov e w i l l w i l t aw ay i f i t i s r i ddl ed w i th hab i ts of negl ec t or ab use. Our mar r i age i s onl y as str ong as the happi ness hab i ts that w e c ul ti v ate ev er y day . If y ou l ong f or a deeper c onnec ti on w i th y our mate—i f y ou c r av e mor e i nti mac y on a dai l y b asi s—then these hab i ts ar e f or y ou. Read. Lear n. Pr ac ti c e. You deser v e to b e del i r i ousl y happy i n y our mar r i age. A nd w i th these tool s, y ou c an b e.

PART I The Fundamentals If y ou w er e ask ed to def i ne w hat c onsti tutes a happy mar r i age, y ou mi ght b e puzzl ed f or a mi nute. It’s someti mes easi er to r ec ogni ze one than to ac tual l y ex pl ai n w hat i t c onsi sts of . W e al l k now c oupl es w ho ar e happi l y mar r i ed … and pr ob ab l y k now mar r i ages that c ar een f r om c r i si s to c r i si s or that stagnate i nto a sul l en par tner shi p w i thout passi on or ev en l ov e. But w hat do w e r eal l y m ean w hen w e say tw o peopl e hav e a happy mar r i age? One thi ng w e don’t mean i s just that they ’v e b een together a l ong ti me. (A c l i ent onc e tol d me that she w as gl ad her husb and of f i f ty -thr ee y ear s had di ed, si nc e she’d b een mi ser ab l e f or the past hal f c entur y .) A long mar r i age does not nec essar i l y equal a h appy mar r i age. A nd y et, w e al most al w ay s assume they ar e sy nony mous. A si l v er anni v er sar y , a gol den anni v er sar y —w e usual l y tak e these b enc hmar k s as gr eat ac c ompl i shments, r ar e ac hi ev ements i n a soc i ety l i tter ed w i th the c or pses of f ai l ed mar r i ages. But the tr uth i s that a l ong mar r i age i s onl y that—l ong. It just means that tw o peopl e hav e stay ed l egal l y b ound f or a l ot of y ear s—may b e joy f ul l y , may b e mi ser ab l y , or may b e b oth.

A happy mar r i age, how ev er , has a c er tai n ef f er v esc enc e as w el l as a qual i ty of emoti onal sanc tuar y that mak es y our w or l d a b etter pl ac e. Thi s sec ti on l ook s at the f undamental s of w hat ac tual l y c r eates suc h a happy uni on (Chapter 1 ) and the hab i ts nec essar y to k eep that happi ness i n pl ac e (Chapter 2).

CHAPTER 1

Extraordinary Love A hhh, I l ov e w eddi ngs. Bi g or smal l , el ab or ate or si mpl e— they ar e so f ul l of hope and the pr omi se of l ov e. To f i nd someone and mak e b oth a per sonal and pub l i c c ommi tment to joi n y our l i v es together —w hat an amazement! Dur i ng the ear l y stage of a r el ati onshi p, y ou ar e i ntox i c ated w i th i nti mac y . You thi nk ab out y our b el ov ed eager l y . You c annot w ai t to see i f he or she c al l ed, e-mai l ed, or tex ted. You f antasi ze ab out hi m or her dur i ng the day and happi l y spend ni ghts and w eek ends together b ec ause ther e’s now her e el se y ou’d r ather b e. It’s as i f a pr otec ti v e b ub b l e sur r ounds y ou i n a pr i v ate l ov i ng w or l d. In thi s “c oupl e b ub b l e,” y ou dw el l ef f or tl essl y ev er y day . Foc usi ng on y our b el ov ed i s so natur al and spontaneous that y ou har dl y thi nk ab out i t. Ev er y c oupl e has a “f al l i ng i n l ov e” stor y , a ti me w hen the r el ati onshi p f el t f r esh and ex c i ti ng. W hen a c oupl e c omes to see me f or c ounsel i ng, al though they ar e eager to tel l me ev er y thi ng that i s goi ng w r ong i n thei r r el ati onshi p (or ev er y thi ng that’s w r ong w i th thei r s pous e), I am par ti c ul ar l y i nter ested to k now ab out thei r c our tshi p. W hat dr ew them to eac h other ? How di d they b ehav e w hen they w er e f al l i ng i n l ov e? Can they tel l me the stor y of thei r ear l y ti me together w i th a tw i nk l e i n thei r ey es?

Dani el and I f i r st met i n Emer al d Ci ty i n the l and of Oz; i t w as l i ter al l y “magi c al .” I w as Gl i nda the Good W i tc h and he w as on the tec h c r ew i n a c ommuni ty theater pr oduc ti on of Th e Wiz ard of Oz . I’l l nev er f or get w hen I f i r st l ai d ey es on hi m. He w as up ab ov e the stage, l eani ng ov er a gapi ng hol e thi r ty f eet ab ov e, l ook i ng dow n. I w as si tti ng i n the f r ont r ow of the theater w hen I l ook ed up and our ey es l oc k ed. He b r ok e i nto a huge, Cheshi r e c at gr i n as he l ook ed dow n at me. I b el i ev e that I b l ushed. Wh at is h e s m iling about? I thought. That smi l e w as a f or eshadow i ng of a gr eat l ov e soon to b e di sc ov er ed.

So Happy Toget her But of c our se f or al l c oupl es, the f al l i ng-i n-l ov e euphor i a f uel ed b y a steady dose of f eel -good hor mones (ox y toc i n and dopami ne) ev entual l y star ts to w ear of f (gener al l y af ter a per i od f r om si x months to tw o y ear s). W hat happens w hen l ov e settl es dow n i nto r eal l i f e? A r e y ou doomed to a stal e, pal e v er si on of the i ni ti al b r i ghtness? Many peopl e l i v e as i f that’s tr ue. In f ac t, I v entur e to say that a major i ty of peopl e i n monogamous r el ati onshi ps (w hether y oung, ol d, c hi l dl ess, w i th c hi l dr en, r emar r i ed, gay , or str ai ght) l i v e i n v ar y i ng degr ees of unhappi ness. Ther e’s the angr y c oupl e and the sex l ess c oupl e, the c oupl e l eadi ng par al l el l i v es and the c oupl e stuc k i n qui et desper ati on. Ther e ar e c oupl es l oc k ed i n patter ns of dy sf unc ti on and other s r el uc tantl y r esi gned to l i v i ng as r oommates.

Per haps a c l i ent of mi ne summed i t up b est w hen, dur i ng my f i r st sessi on w i th her , I ask ed her to desc r i b e her r el ati onshi p w i th her husb and. “It i s w hat i t i s,” she stated matter -of -f ac tl y . “A r e y ou happy i n y our mar r i age?” I pr ob ed. She sai d f l atl y , “Happy mar r i ages ar e a my th, a f ai r y tal e. I l ear ned that a l ong ti me ago.” That w as her ex per i enc e. But i t doesn’t hav e to b e y our s. In f ac t, Dani el and I dec i ded to w r i te thi s b ook b ec ause w e f eel so deepl y that most c oupl es c an b e happi er than they c ur r entl y ar e. Lov e doesn’t hav e to di mi ni sh af ter the dopami ne w ear s of f . Lov e i s l i k e a f i ne r ed w i ne: It ac tual l y i mpr ov es—or r ather has the potential to i mpr ov e—ov er ti me. Thi s happens b ec ause tw o peopl e hav e the oppor tuni ty to gr ow together , heal eac h other , and aw ak en themsel v es to l i f e i n a new w ay . Thi s may sound r ather gr and—and i t i s. But tw o peopl e w ho l ov e eac h other c r eate an ener gy b etw een them that b ec omes gr eater than the sum of thei r par ts. The i ni ti al “y ou” and “me” b ec omes a “w e.” Thi s thi r d enti ty , the l ov i ng r el ati onshi p, i f w el l tended, c an l ead to a r i c h happi ness. Happi l y c oupl ed peopl e ar e heal thi er and l i v e l onger . They l augh mor e. They ex per i enc e l i f e as sw eeter , joy as deeper , and thei r l ov e spi l l s ov er to the w or l d. W e hav e di sc ov er ed thi s r i c h w ay of l i v i ng and w e w ant y ou to as w el l .

The Three Component s of Love

The Three Component s of Love Lov e may b e har d to def i ne b ut ther e ar e thr ee c omponents that ar e essenti al to mak i ng l ov e ex tr aor di nar y : c onnec ti on, c ommuni c ati on, and i nti mac y . 1 . Connec tion—f eel i ng c l ose to y our l ov er , b onded, uni ted i n y our appr oac h to l i f e; of ten hav i ng shar ed i nter ests and v al ues; a sense of b ei ng l i nk ed that goes b ey ond thi s w or l d; c ar i ng ab out y our mate’s needs as w el l as y our ow n; c ol l ab or ati on and c ompr omi se. 2. Com m unic ation—b ei ng ab l e to tal k f r eel y , b ei ng honest w i th eac h other , shar i ng f r om the hear t; a sense of hear i ng and b ei ng hear d, under standi ng and b ei ng under stood; show i ng mutual r espec t and c onsi der ati on to eac h other . 3. I ntim ac y —b ei ng “nak ed” (phy si c al l y , emoti onal l y , spi r i tual l y ); shar i ng y our sel f i n y our v ul ner ab l e, unmask ed tender ness; tr anspar enc y ab out w ho y ou r eal l y ar e and b ei ng ac c epted as suc h; mutual unv ei l i ng; authenti c i ty and openhear tedness; a pow er f ul sense of saf ety and tr ust. Eac h of these thr ee r el ati onshi p essenti al s i s a b ui l di ng b l oc k of y our new par tner shi p w hen y ou’r e f al l i ng i n l ov e, and they ac tual l y c an get str onger ov er ti me. A s the y ear s go b y , suc c essf ul c oupl es mak e them the r oc k -sol i d f oundati on of a happy mar r i age.

Reverse Direct ion But l et’s say that these qual i ti es hav e not b een deepeni ng f or y ou thr ough the y ear s. Per haps the thr eads of c onnec ti on, c ommuni c ati on, and i nti mac y that y ou w ov e dur i ng y our c our tshi p hav e c ome undone. Per haps the str ands ar e f r ay i ng and y our c ar pet i s thr eadb ar e. It’s ti me to tak e stoc k and tur n thi ngs ar ound … r ev er se di r ec ti on b ef or e i t’s too l ate. Dani el and I b oth k now that someti mes a r el ati onshi p w i l l c ome unr av el ed. Both of us i n our f i r st mar r i ages, (eac h of w hi c h l asted sev enteen y ear s), had l et c onnec ti on, c ommuni c ati on, and i nti mac y c r umb l e. For my sel f , I r esented the gr ow i ng di stanc e b etw een me and my f i r st husb and, b ut my attempts to r eac h out c ame ac r oss as naggi ng and attac k i ng. I c hal k ed up the gr ow i ng di v i de b etw een us to l i v es that w er e too b usy . One day it w ill get better, I th ough t. But one day nev er c ame. A t some poi nt, I l ost the moti v ati on to ev en attempt a r epai r .

Sex, Money , and Kids W hat c auses the str esses and str ai ns that, i f not addr essed, c an tear a mar r i age apar t? Most r esear c her s w oul d agr ee that ther e ar e thr ee b i g sour c es of tensi on among mar r i ed c oupl es. 1 . S ex—Someti mes ther e’s too l i ttl e of i t; someti mes too muc h. Someti mes the c oupl es ar en’t al i gned to one another ’s sex ual needs and i nter ests. A nd someti mes i t’s just a b i g el ephant si tti ng i n the

r el ati onshi p’s l i v i ng r oom, w ai ti ng f or someb ody to noti c e i t. 2. Money —Money —or a l ac k of money —puts an ex tr a str ai n on mar r i ed c oupl es. W hen y ou’r e w or r i ed ab out money , i t show s up i n other par ts of y our r el ati onshi p. U sual l y that w or r y f i nds the w eak est par t of the r el ati onshi p and b eats on i t unti l i t b r eak s. 3. Kids —A s w e’l l tal k ab out el sew her e, hav i ng k i ds i s magi c al . It’s al so di f f i c ul t. You hav e to mak e so many l i f e-c hangi ng dec i si ons ab out how to r ai se them. N atur al l y , c oupl es f i ght ab out thi s. In the tw enty -f i r st c entur y , ther e i s a heav y pul l of l i f e on the c oupl e. Most r el ati onshi ps stand i n l i ne b ehi nd the demands of a c ar eer , c hi l dr en, hob b i es, c hor es, and ex tended f ami l y . It’s as i f ther e’s a c onspi r ac y i n moder n l i v i ng that ac tual l y de-pr i or i ti zes the pr i mar y c oupl e r el ati onshi p. Ev er y w her e ar e the sur f ac e demands of l i f e, the super f i c i al i ti es that c ompr i se y our w ak i ng hour s: Pay y our b i l l s, get to w or k on ti me, r espond to that e-mai l , r etur n that phone c al l , si gn the f or m f or the teac her , mow the l aw n, c l ean the house, b uy the gr oc er i es, ser v i c e the c ar , f eed the c ats, pr epar e meal s, f l oss y our teeth—need I go on? Then ther e ar e the gadgets that, mor e of ten than not, dr aw y ou aw ay f r om y our b el ov ed: smar tphones, l aptops, noteb ook s, netb ook s, tab l ets, i Pods. Ev er y y ear mor e dev i c es of di str ac ti on r ev eal themsel v es.

Meanw hi l e, i ndi v i dual s ar e r i c hl y suppor ted f or b ei ng w or k ahol i c s. Ther e i s af ter -sc hool c ar e to ac c ommodate l onger w or k hour s, c ar pool suppor t f r om nei ghb or s, and y ear -end b onuses f or dedi c ati on to w or k . But how many f r i ends, b osses, or c ol l eagues say , “Stop ev er y thi ng. I’l l w atc h y our k i ds. Go f oc us on y our r el ati onshi p!” N ot many . Our r el entl ess c ar eer f oc us, ex tended f ami l i es, c hi l dr en, hob b i es, and the unc ompr omi si ng pac e of moder n l i f e er ode the essenti al f ab r i c of i nti mac y i n the pr i mar y c oupl e. The “c oupl e b ub b l e” has no sanc tuar y . W hi l e i n the b egi nni ng of a r el ati onshi p the c oupl e b ub b l e i s pr i zed and pr otec ted, f or many c oupl es, the b ub b l e b ur sts somew her e al ong the w ay . The essenti al “w e” b ec omes v ul ner ab l e to the l ay er s of b usy l i v es.

Pat t erns of Dest ruct ion A s i f moder n l i v i ng w er en’t enough to c hal l enge the r omanti c r el ati onshi p, as ti me passes, c oupl es seem to f or get how to b r i ng out the b est i n eac h other . The onc edoti ng l ov er s star t to tak e eac h other f or gr anted, and ev entual l y , they si mpl y i gnor e eac h other . Less ti me together c omb i nes w i th poor qual i ty ti me together to c r eate a f eel i ng of di sc onnec t. Coupl es l ong to f eel i nti matel y c onnec ted, y et w hen i ndi v i dual s ar e star v ed f or tr ue i nti mac y they f eel f r ustr ated. A s a r esul t, they l ash out w i th c r i ti c i sm, b l ame, and i nsul ts. They shut dow n w i th aw k w ar d, gr umpy si l enc es and stop l i steni ng to eac h other . W hen c oupl es get

c aught i n these patter ns of negati v e i nter ac ti on and b eni gn negl ec t, i t onl y i nc r eases thei r despai r . Ev entual l y one or b oth par tner s l ook outsi de the mar r i age to hav e thei r i nti mac y needs f ul f i l l ed. Ty pi c al outl ets f or thi s ar e an ex tr amar i tal af f ai r , ob sessi v e amb i ti on, hy per -i nv ol v ed par enti ng, or c onsumi ng ob sessi on w i th a hob b y . Bei ng unhappy and l onel y w i thi n a r el ati onshi p i s ex tr emel y pai nf ul . Feel i ng as i f y ou don’t matter to y our par tner has a w ay of ac ti v ati ng a pr i mal pani c . W hether suf f er i ng f r om b ei ng i gnor ed or hur ti ng f r om a v er b al assaul t, the pai n of r ejec ti on c uts to the c or e.

Two Sides of t he Same Coin I hav e an i nter esti ng per spec ti v e i n my w or k . A s a c oupl es ther api st, I see hi ghl y di str essed c oupl es w ho ar e unhappy w i th thei r r el ati onshi ps and ar e l ongi ng f or l ov e. Meanw hi l e, as a gr i ef c ounsel or , I see hi ghl y di str essed mour ner s w ho w ere ex tr emel y happy w i th thei r r el ati onshi ps and ar e l ongi ng f or that l ost l ov e. W or k i ng w i th gr i ev er s f or mor e than tw enty -f i v e y ear s has gi v en me a uni que v antage poi nt. I hav e hear d so many hear tb r eak i ng stor i es of l oss: the stunned w i dow w hose thi r ty -si x -y ear -ol d husb and dr opped dead at w or k , l eav i ng her to r ai se thr ee c hi l dr en under the age of f i v e; the b er ef t w i dow w hose husb and passed aw ay i n hi s sl eep just tw o w eek s shy of thei r muc h-anti c i pated mutual r eti r ement; the i nc onsol ab l e w i dow er w ho c oul dn’t

i magi ne l i v i ng af ter hi s sw eethear t of f or ty -f i v e y ear s l ost her b attl e w i th c anc er . It i s nev er easy to l ose y our b el ov ed, w hether y ou hav e b een together f or tw o y ear s or tw enty . W hen y ou do f i nd y our sel f at hi s or her f uner al , al l y ou c an thi nk i s that y ou w i shed y ou had a l i ttl e b i t mor e ti me together . A l l y ou w ant i s one mor e hug, one mor e k i ss, one mor e ni ght b esi de y our dear one. The l esson f r om l oss i s c l ear : You must dedi c ate y our sel f to l ov i ng hab i ts eac h day b ec ause eac h day may b e the l ast that y ou hav e together .

In Sickness and in Healt h Of c our se i t’s one thi ng to k now the pr ec i ousness of l i f e i n y our head and i t’s another to k now i ts v al ue deep i n y our hear t—to f eel i t al l the w ay to y our gut. Br ushi ng up c l ose agai nst mor tal i ty has a w ay of hi ghl i ghti ng w hat i s most i mpor tant. A f ew y ear s i nto our mar r i age, Dani el w as di agnosed w i th c ol on c anc er . I r ememb er hear i ng the w or ds “the b i opsy i s c anc er ous.” Dan w as i n hi s tr ai ni ng as a mental heal th c ounsel or . W e w er e i n the mi dst of r ehear sal s f or a c ommuni ty theater pr oduc ti on of Fiddler on th e Roof. W e w er e star ti ng to w or k on thi s b ook together . W e w er e i n the mi ddl e of l i f e; how c oul d thi s happen? Ev er y thi ng on the to-do l i st got shel v ed as w e deal t w i th a new w or l d of doc tor v i si ts, medi c al tests, sur ger y , r ec ov er y , and ev entual l y c hemother apy . I w atc hed my

stunni ngl y handsome husb and f i ght f or hi s l i f e, b ec omi ng i nc r easi ngl y f r ai l and w an. Bef or e hi s di agnosi s, he w as a str appi ng man at 6' 5", w ei ghi ng a hef ty 230 pounds. By hi s ni nth r ound of c hemo, he w as a shadow of hi msel f , hav i ng l ost near l y 50 pounds. A nd on the b ad day s (of w hi c h ther e w er e many ), he c oul d har dl y l i f t hi s head of f the pi l l ow . My super man, my b oundl essl y ener geti c “go to” guy , w as gone. I f el t a k i nshi p w i th the thousands of men and w omen w ho w atc h thei r b el ov ed mates dec l i ne i n b ody and mi nd thr ough the r av ages of c anc er , assor ted i l l nesses, A l zhei mer ’s, and dementi a. A nd I’m one of the l uc k y ones b ec ause he has si nc e r ec ov er ed. Sti l l , I got a pr ev i ew , a r emi nder that our l i v es w i l l end, one w ay or another , sooner or l ater . Ther e i s no ti me to w aste.

St ars Aligned Of al l the b i l l i ons of peopl e on thi s pl anet, y ou and y our b el ov ed c r ossed paths at a si ngl e moment i n ti me. The star s al i gned i n the uni v er se, and y ou f ound eac h other . You met, f el l i n l ov e, and made a dec i si on to b e together . For some r eason, f or some pur pose, y our l i v es ar e l i nk ed. Ex tr aor di nar y l ov e doesn’t mean that ev er y day i s a honey moon. Cer tai nl y ther e w i l l b e eb b s of c l oseness and ev en f l ow s of di stanc e i n y our many mar r i ages w i thi n y our mar r i age. Eac h stage i n y our l i f e together —hav i ng a new b ab y , b ur y i ng a par ent, i l l ness, empty nest, r eti r ement—

w i l l b e c ause f or y ou to r e-ev al uate y our r el ati onshi p and r egr oup as a c oupl e. But i f y ou mak e the deep c ur r ent of y our r el ati onshi p ab out soul -to-soul gr ow th and i ntox i c ati ng uni on, then y our l i f e w i l l b e unb el i ev ab l y r i c h. Consi der i t a gi f t to eac h other to mak e y our r el ati onshi p as v i b r ant as i t c an possi b l y b e … thi s day and ev er y day .

CHAPTER 2 Happiness Habit s W hat’s a hab i t? It’s somethi ng y ou do r egul ar l y , somethi ng that b ec omes, af ter a w hi l e, al most unc onsc i ous. Thi nk ab out some of the hab i ts y ou al r eady hav e: f or ex ampl e, y our mor ni ng r outi ne. You get out of b ed and pr oc eed thr ough a ser i es of mi ndl ess task s: Mak e y our b ed, use the b athr oom, b r ush y our teeth, tak e a show er , get dr essed, eat b r eak f ast. These ar e hab i ts y ou l ear ned, many of them w hen y ou w er e a c hi l d, some of them l ater i n l i f e. By sheer pr ac ti c e, they ’v e b ec ome automati c . They hel p get y our day of f to the r i ght star t. It’s qui te possi b l e as w el l that y ou’v e got some b ad hab i ts. For i nstanc e, may b e y ou c hec k y our e-mai l s f i r st thi ng i n the mor ni ng r ather than tak e a moment to c enter y our sel f . Or per haps y ou eat a pastr y ev er y mor ni ng r ather than a nutr i ti ous b r eak f ast. The hab i ts f or a heal thy , happy mar r i age ar en’t f undamental l y di f f er ent f r om other k i nds of hab i ts. They ’v e got to b e l ear ned and pr ac ti c ed. Someti mes, i n doi ng that, y ou’v e got to b r eak b ad hab i ts that ar e i njur i ng y our r el ati onshi p. Let’s l ook at an ex ampl e.

Bad Marriage Habit s

Mar y and Bob hav e unheal thy r el ati onshi p hab i ts. They ’v e b een mar r i ed f or f i f teen y ear s and, tr uth b e tol d, don’t thi nk too har d ab out thei r mar r i age. If y ou ask ed Mar y i f she f el t c l ose to Bob , she w oul d say he’s l i k e a c omf or tab l e shoe—w or n and f ami l i ar . If y ou ask ed her i f ther e w as spi c e to thei r c onnec ti on, she w oul d say that spi c e i s unr eal i sti c af ter the f i r st y ear of c our tshi p. If y ou ask ed Bob i f he f el t i nti mate w i th Mar y he w oul d say , “I guess, sur e.” He mi ght assume that al l w as w el l as l ong as Mar y w asn’t c ompl ai ni ng and as l ong as they had sex f ai r l y r egul ar l y . How ev er , b oth Mar y and Bob f eel l onel y , under appr ec i ated, and str essed. They c an’t qui te pi npoi nt w hy b ec ause l i f e appear s r el ati v el y good: They ’r e heal thy , thei r k i ds ar e doi ng f i ne, they eac h hav e job s, and they shar e a ni c e home. A nd y et, ther e i s a c hr oni c under l y i ng sense of di ssati sf ac ti on. A ty pi c al w eek day f or Mar y and Bob i nc l udes ear l y mor ni ng depar tur es to f ul l -ti me job s, no c ommuni c ati on unti l 3 P.M., Mar y r unni ng k i ds to ac ti v i ti es i nto the ear l y ev eni ng, Bob c omi ng home l ate f r om w or k and gi v i ng Mar y a pec k on the c heek , Mar y c ompl ai ni ng that he doesn’t hel p ar ound the house, Bob f eel i ng nagged, Mar y f ol di ng c l othes b ef or e goi ng to b ed w i thout Bob , Bob stay i ng up l ate to w atc h TV or w or k i n the b asement. Both of them end the day f eel i ng l onel y and unsuppor ted. Mar y and Bob hav e sex ab out ev er y other month or so. They go out to di nner together ab out f our ti mes a y ear .

They see f ami l y and f r i ends on w eek ends b ut r ar el y spend ti me al one together . N otab l y , they don’t hav e c onv er sati ons w i th eac h other ab out the state of thei r r el ati onshi p. Poor Mar y and Bob . They ’r e c aught on the tr eadmi l l , the r el entl ess pac e of moder n soc i ety that thr eatens to squeeze the joy out of l i v i ng. Bec ause of thei r b ad r el ati onshi p hab i ts, they ar e asl eep to the mi r ac l es i n thei r mi dst. It i s l i k el y that ev entual l y one of them w i l l enc ounter the potenti al f or i nti mac y outsi de the mar r i age, may b e w i th a f r i end or c ol l eague (w hi c h may or may not end the mar r i age). Or may b e Bob and Mar y w i l l si mpl y numb out thei r i nti mac y needs, l osi ng themsel v es i n ob sessi v e w or k , f ami l y ac ti v i ti es, ex c essi v e dr i nk i ng, shoppi ng, or Inter net use unti l one day , af ter the k i ds ar e gr ow n, they ’l l w onder , “W ho i s thi s str anger i n my b ed?” (i f they ev en sti l l shar e a b ed). They w i l l end thei r day s f eel i ng l onel y and deadened i nsi de. A nd y et, ther e w as a ti me w hen Mar y and Bob w er e c r azy ab out eac h other . They w er e so i n l ov e, i n f ac t, that they w i l l i ngl y joi ned thei r l i v es. They c hose to b ui l d a l i f e together , hav e a f ami l y , and gr ow ol d si de b y si de. But somehow , thr ough the y ear s, they l ost si ght of the i nti mac y that w as the i ni ti al f oundati on of that hopef ul b egi nni ng.

A Foundat ion of Healt hy Habit s Hab i ts—w hether heal thy or other w i se—c r eate neur al pathw ay s or “gr oov es” i n y our b r ai n. You w ant a b r ai n gr oov ed f or emoti onal saf ety , c ompassi on, and joy f ul

c onnec ti on. Repeti ti v e heal thy hab i ts ar e the w ay to get thi s. Lov e mi ght b e the r eason y ou got mar r i ed, b ut a b r ai n w i r ed f or i nti mac y i s w hat w i l l sustai n y our mar r i age ov er the l ong haul . W hen Dani el and I b egan to l i v e together , I thought at f i r st that our gr eat l ov e w oul d sustai n us, and that k eepi ng our i nti mate c onnec ti on w oul d b e a b r eeze. But w ho w as I k i ddi ng? N ob ody tel l s y ou how c ompl i c ated a sec ond mar r i age c an b e—or at l east nob ody tol d me. The l ov e of my l i f e w as a pac k age deal . He c ame w i th tw o c hi l dr en, an ex -w i f e, the ex ’s new par tner , that par tner ’s c hi l dr en, the ex -i n-l aw s, and the usual assor tment of or di nar y i n-l aw s. I, too, w as har dl y an i sl and. W i th thr ee c hi l dr en, an ex husb and, hi s new par tner , my ex -i n-l aw s, and the usual assor tment of ex tended f ami l y pl us pets, I w as mor e of an ar c hi pel ago. A dd to thi s a non-ov er l appi ng joi nt c ustody ar r angement tr ac k ed b y a si x -month w al l c al endar that r esemb l ed ai r -tr af f i c c ontr ol , and l i f e b ec ame c ompl ex and f ul l i ndeed. It w as i mmedi atel y appar ent to me that r egul ar heal thy hab i ts w er e our onl y hope of k eepi ng a str ong f oundati on f or our mar r i age. W i thout them, w e w oul d b e sw ept aw ay i n an av al anc he of l i f e. Can smal l moments of dai l y i nti mac y r eal l y mak e that muc h of a di f f er enc e? Yes! W hi l e tr adi ti onal l y r ec ommended i nti mac y ac ti v i ti es—suc h as w eek ends aw ay , v ac ati ons, w eek l y sex , and hob b i es together —ar e good f or

the heal th of y our r el ati onshi p, they ar e not enough. W i thout heal thy hab i ts pr ac ti c ed ev ery s ingle day , y our r el ati onshi p w i l l suf f er . W e k now that the happi ness hab i ts i n thi s b ook w i l l hel p y ou f eel c l oser ev er y day , and w e k now b ec ause w e use them! Thei r ef f ec ti v eness i s b ased on tr i ed and tr ue f oundati ons. Emoti onal l y Foc used Coupl es Ther apy (EFT)—Thi s f r amew or k emphasi zes attac hment theor y and the need to c r eate a sec ur e b ondi ng attac hment b etw een par tner s. Imago Rel ati onshi p Ther apy —Thi s f r amew or k emphasi zes l i steni ng/mi r r or i ng sk i l l s and a need to under stand how to hel p eac h other heal c hi l dhood w ounds. The Fi v e Lov e Languages—Thi s f r amew or k l ook s at how di f f er ent peopl e ex pr ess l ov e and pr ef er to r ec ei v e l ov e b ased on the f ol l ow i ng modes: touc h, v er b al af f i r mati on, ac ts of ser v i c e, qual i ty ti me, and gi f ts. Coupl es r esear c h—John Gottman i s a pi oneer i n c oupl es r esear c h and c an pr edi c t w i th 97 per c ent ac c ur ac y w hi c h c oupl es w i l l di v or c e b ased on w hether they f al l pr ey to the f our “hor semen” (c r i ti c i sm, c ontempt, def ensi v eness, and stonew al l i ng). N eur opl asti c i ty and r ew i r i ng the b r ai n—Cur r ent neur osc i enti f i c r esear c h c onf i r ms that w e c an

c hange neur al pathw ay s i n the b r ai n f or the b etter b y hav i ng r epeated and sustai ned posi ti v e ex per i enc es. Mi ndf ul ness-b ased ther api es—Mi ndf ul ness b r i ngs an atti tude of c ur i osi ty , r ec epti v i ty , and nonjudgmental aw ar eness to pr esent ex per i enc e. Bei ng i n the moment l eads to c ompassi on and l ess emoti onal r eac ti v i ty . Posi ti v e psy c hol ogy and gr ati tude—Gr ati tude pr ac ti c es l ead to hi gher l ev el s of happi ness, l i f e sati sf ac ti on, and ov er al l w el l -b ei ng. Most c oupl es c hr oni c al l y under appr ec i ate eac h other . Ener gy medi c i ne and b ody w or k —Ener gy medi c i ne i ntegr ates the b ody ’s ener gy (el ec tr omagneti c f i el ds) and the mani pul ati on of that ener gy v i a touc h. Body w or k of al l k i nds i s a pow er f ul f or m of nonv er b al c ommuni c ati on that l i nk s mi nd, b ody , and spi r i t. I hav e seen happy c oupl es b ec ome happi er as they i ntegr ate these happi ness hab i ts i nto thei r dai l y r outi ne, and I hav e seen di str essed c oupl es tur n thei r r el ati onshi p ar ound as they w or k w i th these hab i ts i n thei r l i v es.

At t he Core Eac h of the hab i ts i n thi s b ook c r eates an i ntenti onal b r eak i n the automated and seemi ngl y r el entl ess pac e of l i f e. They i ni ti ate a “patter n i nter r upt” to the usual str eam of

b ehav i or s, thoughts, and r eac ti ons. In that spac e of pur posef ul i nter r upti on, the hab i t b ec omes a moment of i nti mate c onnec ti on. W ho among us doesn’t w ant mor e of that? Essenti al to eac h hab i t i s b r ev i ty : shor t and si mpl e. If a new ac ti v i ty together i s too ti me-c onsumi ng, l ab or i ntensi v e, or ex pensi v e (suc h as tak i ng up gol f ), i t i s l ess l i k el y to happen. But easy suggesti ons, l i k e “touc h y our mate dur i ng di nner ” or “hav e a tw enty -sec ond hug at the end of the day ,” ar e doab l e on a dai l y b asi s. The str ategy her e i s to av oi d the “N ew Year ’s Resol uti on Sy ndr ome.” It’s easy to mak e a b i g pr oc l amati on ab out how ev er y thi ng i s goi ng to b e di f f er ent on Januar y 1 . But sadl y , as y ou k now , f ew r esol uti ons ar e ev er k ept. By V al enti ne’s Day most ar e a di stant memor y . The k ey to l asti ng c hange i n y our r el ati onshi p (or any goal , f or that matter ) i s to i ntegr ate b i te-si zed, pr ac ti c al c hanges i nto y our dai l y r outi ne. Ov er ti me, the w onder of a c l ose r el ati onshi p w i l l b ec ome y our r eal i ty . The b eauty of c oupl es’ happi ness hab i ts i s that they set y ou up f or suc c ess!

Frequent ly Asked Quest ions Hav i ng w or k ed w i th many c oupl es ov er the y ear s, I’v e l ear ned to ex pec t c er tai n questi ons. Her e ar e a f ew of the

quer i es that c ome up most of ten, al ong w i th our answ er s. Wh a t if m y p a rtne r w o n’t p a rticip a te ? Ca n I d o th is a lo ne ? The answ er i s a r esoundi ng “Yes!” You ar e par t of a dy nami c duo. A s y ou b egi n to mak e c hanges i n y our patter ns, the enti r e r el ati onshi p sy stem w i l l b e af f ec ted. It may tak e tw o to tango, b ut i t onl y tak es one to r edi r ec t the danc e. Tr y sev er al new hab i ts c onsi stentl y f or a f ew w eek s and see how y our mate r esponds. Wh y s h o uld I b e th e nice o ne w h e n m y s p o us e is s o ne g le ctful o r rud e ? Bec ause y ou shoul dn’t l et y our par tner deter mi ne y our l ev el of c onsc i ousness. By c onsc i ousness, I mean y our ab i l i ty to r espond w i th gener osi ty , c ompassi on, k i ndness, and l ov e. It’s easy to poi nt y our f i nger tow ar d y our par tner and noti c e al l the w ay s that he or she f al l s shor t, f ai l s, and doesn’t meet y our needs. But c onsi der tur ni ng that f i nger ar ound and poi nti ng to y our sel f . A r e y ou the k i nd of par tner that y ou w oul d w ant? How do y ou r ate as a par tner ? W oul d y ou say , “I do,” to y our sel f ? Do y ou meet y our par tner ’s needs? Be the par tner that y ou w oul d desi r e. If y ou r ai se the b ar on b ehav i or s that ar e thoughtf ul , w ar m, k i nd, and l ov i ng, c hanc es ar e hi gh that y our mate w i l l b egi n to r espond. Wh a t if I d o n’t fe e l lik e b e ing lo v ing ?

Then “f ak e i t ’ti l y ou mak e i t.” N eur osc i enc e has demonstr ated that our f eel i ngs and our b ehav i or s ar e c onnec ted. Just as c hanges i n how y ou f eel l ead to c hanges i n how y ou b ehav e, so do c hanges i n how y ou b ehav e l ead to c hanges i n how y ou f eel . That hol ds tr ue f or b ei ng ni c e, f or b ehav i ng af f ec ti onatel y , and ev en f or mak i ng l ov e. Ho w q uick ly w ill th e s e h a b its ta k e to w o rk ? The hab i ts hel p y ou f eel c onnec ted i mmedi atel y . How ev er , i t tak es ab out tw enty -one day s of c onsec uti v e use f or a hab i t to sti c k . So i t’s b est to tr y a f ew hab i ts and see w hi c h ones y ou w ant to use r egul ar l y . Then c ommi t to i ntegr ati ng them i nto y our l i f e f or tw enty -one day s. Hi nt: It’s easy to f or get the hab i ts unti l they b ec ome sec ond natur e, so use Post-i t notes or di gi tal r emi nder s as pr ompts f or y our sel f ! Wh a t if I find th a t I o nly us e th e h a b its s p o ra d ica lly ? U si ng the tool s a l i ttl e b i t i s b etter than not usi ng them at al l . You may f i nd that y ou star t usi ng a tool and then f or get i t or sw i tc h to other tool s. Don’t get di sc our aged i f y ou l et the hab i t sl i p. It tak es ti me and aw ar eness to c r eate new patter ns i n y our mar r i age. A ny day i s a good day to star t—or r estar t—a new hab i t. Are n’t re la tio ns h ip s , in th e e nd , jus t a lo t o f h a rd w o rk ? Thi s per spec ti v e al w ay s amuses me b ec ause i t mak es l ov e seem l i k e suc h a dr udger y , a c hor e, w i th al l the sex appeal

of c l eani ng toi l ets. W ho w ants mor e “w or k ” i n a w or l d w her e w e pr ac ti c al l y w or k 24/7 as i t i s? N o, r el ati onshi ps r equi r e nour i shment, that’s al l . Heal thy hab i ts ar e nour i shment f or a happy mar r i age. Thi nk of y our b ody : You c an hav e pl enty of unheal thy hab i ts that w i l l l ead to hear t di sease, hi gh c hol ester ol , and ob esi ty . Or y ou c an hav e heal thy hab i ts that mak e y ou f eel al i v e and v i b r ant. Feed y our r el ati onshi p w i th unheal thy hab i ts and y ou mi ght end up i n di v or c e c our t. But use the heal thy hab i ts i n thi s b ook and together y ou’l l f eel l i k e a mi l l i on b uc k s.

PART II Connection-Building Habits They sat i n f r ont of me l i k e ner v ous sc hool c hi l dr en w i th thei r heads l ow er ed. They c l ear ed thei r thr oats and shuf f l ed thei r f eet. He b egan to gaze at the b ook s on my b ook shel f . I ask ed them w hy they had c ome to see me. Deb or ah sai d, “I c an’t c ommuni c ate w i th hi m. I thi nk w e hav e a b i g c ommuni c ati on pr ob l em. He doesn’t hear me.” “A nd do y ou thi nk y ou hav e a c ommuni c ati on pr ob l em?” I ask ed Stan. “N o,” Stan r epl i ed. “I’m pr etty happy ac tual l y . I thi nk she’s mak i ng a b i g deal out of nothi ng.” Hmmm. “Can y ou tel l me w hat a ty pi c al ev eni ng i s l i k e i n y our home?” I ask ed. Stan sai d, “W el l , w hen I c ome home f r om w or k , I’m pr etty ti r ed. W e eat di nner w hi l e w e w atc h the new s. Then, I c hec k spor ts stats on the c omputer . She puts our f i v e-y ear ol d, Paul a, to sl eep. I don’t r eal l y hav e ener gy f or muc h el se.” Deb or ah i nter jec ted: “He nev er ev en seems ex c i ted to see me—or Paul a f or that matter . I c an’t get hi s attenti on. He doesn’t l i sten to me—hi s ey es just gl aze ov er ev en though

I hav e stuf f to tel l hi m. A nd then he goes to the c omputer and that’s i t f or the ni ght.” I sat b ac k and sai d to them b oth, “I thi nk w hat y ou r eal l y hav e i s a c onnec tion pr ob l em.” W hi l e al most ev er y c oupl e I ev er w or k w i th at some poi nt tel l me that they hav e tr oub l e c ommuni c ati ng, of ten w hat they mean i s that they hav e tr oub l e c onnec ti ng. Connec ti on i s a f eel i ng of pow er f ul c l oseness. It gener ates the ener gy of together ness as y ou go thr ough l i f e. Fr om that pl ac e, c ommuni c ati on ev ol v es natur al l y . Thi s sec ti on of the b ook of f er s a spec i f i c sel ec ti on of c or e c onnec ti on-b ui l di ng hab i ts (Chapter 3) and hab i ts of phy si c al af f ec ti on (Chapter 4). Both w i l l deepen and enr i c h y our r el ati onshi p.

CHAPTER 3

Your Daily Thread: Habits to Weave Through Your Day If y our r el ati onshi p w er e a pl ant, w hat c ondi ti on w oul d y ou say desc r i b es i t? Dr y ? Bl oomi ng? W i l ted? Rob ust? Li k e a pl ant, y our r el ati onshi p needs r egul ar tender l ov i ng c ar e. It needs the soi l of ev er y day c onnec ti on, the nutr i ents of f oc used attenti on, and the sunl i ght of l ov e. W ater i ng y our pl ant onc e or tw i c e a y ear w on’t suf f i c e. Gi v i ng i t sunl i ght ev er y month or tw o i sn’t enough ei ther . Your pl ant needs nour i shment ev er y si ngl e day . For tunatel y , eac h day of f er s a w eal th of tr ansi ti onal moments that ar e per f ec t oppor tuni ti es f or b ui l di ng hab i ts that nour i sh y our r el ati onshi p and hel p f eel i ngs of c onnec ti on and i nti mac y tak e r oot. The k ey tr ansi ti onal moments i n y our day , as c oupl es ther api sts hav e k now n f or y ear s, ar e the “l aunc hes” and the “l andi ngs” (how y ou separ ate f or the day and how y ou r euni te at the end of a day ). But tr ansi ti on moments ar e happeni ng al l day l ong, and eac h one of f er s an oppor tuni ty to b ui l d heal thy hab i ts that k eep y our sel f and y our r el ati onshi p nour i shed. U se the dai l y hab i ts i n thi s c hapter to b ui l d c or e c onnec ti on sk i l l s so that y ou c an soak up the w ar mth of i nti mac y thr oughout the day . They ar e or gani zed

c hr onol ogi c al l y f r om y our f i r st w ak i ng moment unti l y our f i nal goodni ght.

HABI T 1

Good Morning, Sunshine PROMPT: Ev er y day w hen y ou w ak e up, b ef or e y ou get out of b ed i n the mor ni ng HABI T: Li e on y our b ac k and pl ac e one hand on y our hear t. Pl ac e the other hand on y our l ow er b el l y . Rest l i k e thi s f or a mi nute and i magi ne y ou’r e r adi ati ng a b r i l l i ant l i ght. Br eathe i n the w or d “Lov e” (l i ght shi ni ng on y ou) and b r eathe out the w or d “Lov e” (l i ght r adi ati ng f r om y ou). Feel tender ness and c ompassi on f or y ou, as w el l as f or y our par tner . PURPOSE: The phy si c al pose of thi s tool (hand on hear t, hand on b el l y ) mi mi c s the c omf or ti ng stanc e of an i nf ant b ei ng hel d. W hen a b ab y i s hel d b y an adul t, the enti r e l ength of hi s or her l i ttl e b ody i s c r adl ed i n the w ar mth of the gr ow nup’s b ody . W hen y ou put pr essur e on those k ey poi nts, y ou r ec r eate a pr i mal soothi ng f eel i ng. Thi s hab i t al so speak s to an i mpor tant i ssue: sel f c ompassi on. W hen y ou hav e a dai l y gr oundi ng i n sel f -l ov e and sel f -c ompassi on, y ou set the stage to i mpr ov e y our mar r i age. It i s har d to gi v e somethi ng y ou don’t hav e. Fi l l

up y our ow n tank w i th sel f -l ov e ev er y mor ni ng, and ther e w i l l b e pl enty to shar e. Tw enty -ni ne-y ear -ol d Sar ah had tear s i n her ey es. She and her husb and w er e i n a new mar r i age af ter a w hi r l w i nd c our tshi p. But somethi ng w as of f tr ac k . She had c ome to see me b ec ause she f el t that her l ow sel f -esteem w as i nter f er i ng w i th her r el ati onshi p. She put her head dow n and si ghed as she pr oc l ai med, “I’m so stupi d; I’m suc h an i di ot r eal l y . I don’t k now how Hugo c an l ov e me b ec ause I don’t ev en l ov e my sel f . I don’t ev en lik e my sel f .” Hugo had tol d her that her c onstant negati v e sel f -tal k w as a tur nof f . Sar ah sai d, “I k now that he just w ants me to b e happy and f eel good ab out my sel f .” Cl ear l y i t w asn’t goi ng to b e enough to tel l Sar ah—or ask Hugo to tel l her —that she w as a w onder f ul , w ar m per son w i th a l ot of l ov e to gi v e. She had to get i n the hab i t of f eel i ng good ab out her sel f . I i nstr uc ted her to star t w or k i ng w i th the “Good Mor ni ng, Sunshi ne” ex er c i se and to c onti nue w i th i t unti l i t b ec ame an i ngr ai ned par t of her mor ni ng r outi ne. She w as w i l l i ng b ut sk epti c al . She tol d me that ev en i f she sai d the w or d “Lov e,” she w oul dn’t f eel i t. “That’s ok ay ,” I assur ed her . “Just stay w i th b r eathi ng i n the w or d and the l i ght of ‘Lov e.’” Rel uc tantl y , she agr eed. The nex t w eek she tol d me that the tool hadn’t w or k ed. She sai d that w hen she put her hand on her l ow er b el l y , i t di sgusted her . “The onl y thi ng I c oul d thi nk ab out w as how f at and f l eshy my stomac h f el t. I’m sur e Hugo must f eel that w ay too, w henev er he touc hes me.”

So many w omen ar e at w ar w i th thei r b odi es. I suggested she k eep b oth hands on her c hest unti l she dev el oped mor e tender ness tow ar d her b ody . Most i mpor tant, I r ei ter ated that thi s ex er c i se had to b ec ome a hab i t. She agr eed to k eep usi ng the tool ev er y day f or tw enty -one day s. “W e’l l see how y ou f eel then,” I tol d her . Sar ah used the tool and r epor ted to me that someti mes she got tear f ul w hen she b r eathed i n the w or d “Lov e.” But as she c onti nued to di r ec t that l ov e, that tender ness tow ar d her sel f , she f el t somethi ng i nsi de her shi f ti ng. A f ter the thi r d w eek of c onsi stent use, she b eamed as she tol d me, “I c an put my hand on my tummy now . It’s just another par t of me. I thi nk I’m mak i ng pr ogr ess. You k now , may b e I’m not so b ad af ter al l .” “That’s gr eat,” I sai d. “How i s that af f ec ti ng thi ngs w i th Hugo?” Sar ah’s smi l e tur ned gentl e. “I’m not tal k i ng ab out my sel f i n suc h a b ad w ay . I c an tel l that mak es hi m happy . N ow that I’m not getti ng i n my ow n w ay , I noti c e that I’m a l ot b etter at tel l i ng Hugo al l the thi ngs I l ov e ab out hi m.” REF LECTI ON: How do y ou i nter ac t di f f er entl y w i th y our spouse w hen y ou b egi n y our day b y l ov i ng y our sel f ?

HABI T 2

First Light

PROMPT: W hen y ou f i r st w ak e up i n the mor ni ng—or w hen y our par tner w ak es up HABI T: Estab l i sh a l ov i ng c onnec ti on b y say i ng to y our spouse, “I l ov e b ei ng mar r i ed to y ou”—or w or ds of y our c hoosi ng. The ex ac t w or ds y ou use ar en’t i mpor tant; w hat’s essenti al i s to c onv ey a message that y our par tner i s spec i al to y ou (“You matter to me,” “You’r e the b est thi ng that ev er happened to me,” or “I’m gl ad w e’r e goi ng thr ough l i f e together .”). Say thi s i n per son i f possi b l e. If , f or some r eason, y ou’r e not ther e, tex t i t, e-mai l i t, l eav e a phone message, or sti c k a note to the r ef r i ger ator . A n i mpor tant el ement of thi s hab i t i s to v ar y b oth the message and the w ay y ou del i v er i t. Conti nue to f i nd new w ay s to v er b al l y ex pr ess y our l ov e unti l thi s b ec omes a natur al par t of y our mor ni ng r outi ne. PURPOSE: How y ou gr eet y our spouse i n the mor ni ng sets the tone f or the day . Coupl es ther api st gur us, Gay and Kathl y n Hendr i c k s, author s of Cons c ious Lov ing and f ounder s of the Hendr i c k s Insti tute, teac h the i mpor tanc e of the f i r st dai l y c ommuni c ati on. Gay has sai d that w hen he f i r st sees Kati e i n the mor ni ng, he mak es sur e to tel l her that she’s the most spec i al per son i n the uni v er se. Wow ! N o w onder they ’v e b een happi l y mar r i ed f or mor e than thr ee dec ades. In my f i r st mar r i age, si l enc e gr eeted me i n the mor ni ngs. W i th a l ong c ommute ahead of hi m, my husb and w ok e up

hour s b ef or e me. W e agr eed that he w oul d sneak out w i thout w ak i ng me. In f ac t, w e r outi nel y had no i nter ac ti on f or the enti r e day . He tol d me that i t w as har d to touc h b ase b ec ause he w as so b usy . In those day s, tex ti ng di dn’t ex i st, nor di d w e thi nk to use e-mai l . U sual l y he w oul d c al l ar ound 5 P.M. on hi s w ay home f r om w or k (thi s of ten b ei ng our f i r st c onv er sati on of the day ) at w hi c h ti me the sub jec t matter w as usual l y , “W hat’s f or di nner ?” Ther e’s nothi ng i ntr i nsi c al l y w r ong w i th hav i ng l ar ge gaps of nonc ommuni c ati on. How ev er , the l ac k of ear l y -day i nti mac y , c oupl ed w i th a gr ow i ng ov er al l def i c i t of attenti on and appr ec i ati on c r eated the emoti onal di stanc e that ul ti matel y l ed to the b r eak dow n of our mar r i age. In my sec ond mar r i age, w e ar e mor e i ntenti onal ab out our f i r st c ommuni c ati on. Dani el i s the ear l i er r i ser on most mor ni ngs … and he i s of ten the f i r st to of f er k i sses and w or ds of l ov e. W hen he depar ts ear l y , he l eav es me a l ov e note. How ev er , I k now that thi s hab i t i s al so an i mpor tant pr ac ti c e f or me per sonal l y i n or der to k eep my hear t open. Ther ef or e, b ef or e my day gets star ted, I’l l of f er hi m some l ov i ng w or ds as w el l . If I need i nspi r ati on, I w i l l of ten thi nk , “W hat w oul d Gay say ?” REF LECTI ON: Do y ou pr ef er to hear w or ds of ador ati on i n the mor ni ng r ather than say them? Be the one to set the tone f or the day w i th happi ness and l ov e.

HABI T 3

It’s Raining Love PROMPT: W hen y ou tak e a show er HABI T: Thi nk of someone i n y our l i f e w ho l ov es y ou, a k i nd of “b enef ac tor ” i n y our l i f e (i n the past, pr esent, or ev en f utur e), w hether he or she i s c ur r entl y on thi s pl anet or not. You may ev en c hoose a spi r i tual f i gur e (suc h as Jesus or Buddha) or a b el ov ed pet. Imagi ne that per son’s l ov e r ai ni ng dow n upon y ou. A s y ou stand i n the show er , f eel her l ov e w ashi ng ov er y ou and satur ati ng y ou c ompl etel y . Let y our hear t ex pand as y ou r ec ei v e and ab sor b thi s ab undant l ov e. Dr i nk i t i nto y our b ody . Say or thi nk , “I am show er ed w i th l ov e.” PURPOSE: Many peopl e hav e a deep-seated f ear that they ar e unl ov ab l e. They f ear b ei ng r ejec ted, ab andoned, and i sol ated. A s a r esul t, they f i nd thei r mar r i ages l onel y , i sol ati ng, and unf ul f i l l i ng. Inter esti ngl y , the templ ate f or the adul t pr i mar y r el ati onshi p has i ts r oots i n the i nf ant’s r el ati onshi p w i th the pr i mar y c ar etak er . “Sec ur e attac hment” oc c ur s w hen the i nf ant i s c onsi stentl y c ar ed f or w i th l i ttl e separ ati on, anx i ety , or tr auma. How ev er , most peopl e gr ow up w i th “i nsec ur e attac hment.” Thi s mani f ests i n a mar r i age as ei ther “anx i ous/amb i v al ent” or “av oi dant” attac hment sty l es. Don’t get too hung up on thi s ter mi nol ogy . A l l y ou need to k now at thi s poi nt i s that “anx i ous/amb i v al ent”

spouses tend to c l i ng and then, i f thei r needs ar en’t met, w i thdr aw . “A v oi dant” spouses shut dow n thei r needs to pr otec t themsel v es, and thus, al so w i thdr aw . Tw o w i thdr aw n spouses i s a r ec i pe f or an unhappy mar r i age. To pr ev ent thi s—or to f i x i t i f y ou f eel i t’s happeni ng i n y our r el ati onshi p—y ou need to ac ti v el y w or k to k eep y our hear t b uoy ant and open. The dai l y hab i t of c onsc i ousl y f i l l i ng y our sel f w i th ab undant l ov e i s an anti dote to the unc onsc i ous i mpul se to w i thdr aw . Dr enc hi ng y our sel f w i th suc h l ov e ev er y mor ni ng c r eates an ov er f l ow i ng, heal i ng suppl y of l ov e to shar e w i th other s. Onc e y our “c up r unneth ov er ,” y ou w i l l f i nd that l ov e f l ow s f r eel y f r om y ou. Josh and Tr ac y had b een mak i ng ex c el l ent pr ogr ess i n our c ounsel i ng. They w er e tal k i ng mor e honestl y , c onnec ti ng mor e i ntenti onal l y , and shar i ng themsel v es mor e i nti matel y . I f el t enc our aged and l ook ed f or w ar d to w r appi ng up our w or k together . But w hen they c ame i nto my of f i c e on thi s day , they b oth, metaphor i c al l y , had thei r ar ms c r ossed. Bef or e they ev en sai d a w or d I sensed a pow er f ul tensi on b etw een them. “Di d somethi ng happen?” I ask ed. Josh jumped i n. “Tr ac y just shut dow n f r om me. It’s l i k e she’s on some pr i v ate i sl and that I c an’t get to. She w on’t ev en tal k to me … or i f she does, she’s l i k e some r ob ot.” I l ook ed at Tr ac y and ask ed, “W hat’s goi ng on?” Just as Josh sai d, she w as r eser v ed, w i thdr aw n. I c oul d tel l that somethi ng had tr i gger ed an emoti onal shutdow n. I

ask ed Josh, “W hen di d thi s star t?” “I just made my pl ans f or my b r other ’s b i r thday c el eb r ati on …” he star ted. Tr ac y i nter r upted hi m: “… w ith out me.” The stor y unf ol ded: Josh w as joi ni ng hi s b r other s on a f i f ti eth b i r thday tr i p to Las V egas, and no spouses w er e i nv i ted. One of hi s b r other s had ask ed f or thi s onc e-i n-al i f eti me b r other tr i p. U nf or tunatel y , the tr i p tr i gger ed an attac hment i njur y f or Tr ac y . Rather than f eel happy f or her husb and, she f el t hur t and ab andoned, and so she shut dow n. In shutti ng dow n, she c ompr omi sed the “us” spac e of her mar r i age, c r eati ng a w al l b etw een them. I suggested the “It’s Rai ni ng Lov e” hab i t as a w ay not onl y to get past thi s c r i si s b ut to hel p her k eep her hear t open. She r el uc tantl y agr eed. A f ter w ar d, I hear d f r om the c oupl e that the hab i t w as suc c essf ul —so muc h so that someti mes Josh joi ns Tr ac y i n the show er just to mak e sur e she’s f eel i ng enough l ov e. REF LECTI ON: How w oul d y our l i f e b e di f f er ent i f y ou f oc used on the ab undanc e of l ov e that y ou hav e to gi v e r ather than on w hat y ou f eel y ou need?

HABI T 4

So Long, Farewell

PROMPT: W hen y ou say goodb y e b ef or e a par ti ng, how ev er b r i ef HABI T: Look i ng i nto the ey es of the one y ou l ov e, pl ac e y our hand ov er y our hear t and then mov e i t, pal m up, out to hi m, i ndi c ati ng “y ou hav e my hear t.” PURPOSE: How y ou “l aunc h” f r om y our spouse i n the mor ni ng and how y ou r euni te at the end of the day i s ex tr emel y c r i ti c al f or a happy mar r i age. If y our l aunc hes and l andi ngs ar e b r i ef and i nsi gni f i c ant, y ou w i l l tend to tak e y our mar r i age f or gr anted. How ev er , a hab i t of i ntenti onal c onnec ti on w i l l hi ghl i ght y our deep l ov e and c ommi tment to eac h other . Say i ng goodb y e doesn’t i mpl y y ou w on’t see eac h other agai n, b ut i t does mean some per i od of separ ati on, dur i ng w hi c h y ou’l l b e thi nk i ng ab out a l ot of other thi ngs. A hab i t of a l ov i ng f ar ew el l eac h day c an r emi nd y ou of the i mpor tanc e of y our mar r i age and of y our spouse. Ex pr essi ng l ov e f or one another at eac h par ti ng b ec omes a w ay of hol di ng eac h other c l ose. It af f i r ms y our l ov e’s per manenc e i n an i mper manent w or l d. Li v i ng w i th the tr uth of the nev er -endi ng f l ow of ti me ar ound y ou enr i c hes y our ex per i enc e of the pr esent moment. W hen y ou adopt the hab i t of f i l l i ng eac h par ti ng w i th a c onsc i ous af f i r mati on of l ov e, y ou w i l l f i l l eac h par ti ng w i th a tender ness that w i l l c ar r y thr ough the day .

On a c hi l l y Januar y day , ev er y thi ng w as hummi ng al ong as usual . But then, unex pec tedl y , i t b egan to sl eet. Snow and sl eet i n N ew Engl and i s, of c our se, nev er c ompl etel y unex pec ted. N ev er thel ess, w e hadn’t pr epar ed our sel v es f or a stor m. Dan w as due home b y 6 P.M. b ut I had no w ay to r eac h hi m si nc e hi s c el l phone b atter y had di ed. A s 6 P.M. b ec ame 6:30 P.M. b ec ame 7 P.M., I w or k ed my sel f i nto a pani c . W i th no w ay to r eac h hi m, I b egan to l et my i magi nati on assume the w or st. Fi nal l y , ar ound 8 P.M., Dan c al l ed home on a A A A w or k er ’s c el l phone to tel l me he had b een i n a thr ee-c ar ac c i dent on a l oc al r oad b ut that he w as f i ne. I w as so r el i ev ed to hear he w as al l r i ght that I b egan c r y i ng on the phone. Know i ng that Dan w as on hi s w ay home w as a c ause f or c el eb r ati on. I w as al so happy to k now that w e had par ted i n the mor ni ng w i th i ntenti on and i nti mac y . REF LECTI ON: Does aw ar eness of the f r agi l i ty of l i f e c ause y ou to shr i nk i n f ear or does i t open y our hear t to y our deepest c onnec ti on?

HABI T 5

Text Treat

PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e at w or k and ar e ab out to hav e l unc h HABI T: Tex t y our spouse/par tner to l et her k now that y ou l ov e her , that y ou’r e thi nk i ng of her , and/or that y ou l ook f or w ar d to seei ng her . Feel f r ee to b e pl ay f ul and f l i r tati ous—send nothi ng b ut sw eet nothi ngs. PURPOSE: Stay i ng c onnec ted thr ough the day i s a v i tal hab i t. The numb er one pl ac e f or af f ai r s to ger mi nate i s at the of f i c e. W hat star ts out as a c ol l egi al f r i endshi p c an easi l y deepen i nto an emoti onal attac hment and ev entual l y i nto a phy si c al af f ai r . But b y estab l i shi ng a hab i t of r egul ar l y c ommuni c ati ng l ov i ng thoughts to y our par tner dur i ng the w or k day , y ou ensur e that he or she r emai ns f oc used on y ou as the most i mpor tant per son i n hi s or her l i f e. Most spouses spend thei r day s apar t. If y ou don’t get i n the hab i t of ex pr essi ng y our l ov e to eac h other , y ou c an star t to dw el l i n separ ate spher es. Keepi ng c onnec ted w i th at l east one dai l y tex t hel ps c ounter ac t the sense of l i v i ng par al l el l i v es. Sal l y sat ac r oss f r om me w i th a smi l e on her f ac e. The l ast ti me I had seen her , some thr ee y ear s pr ev i ousl y , she had b een ov er w hel med b y her l i f e. A t that ti me, she had a si x month-ol d b ab y as w el l as thr ee-y ear -ol d tw i ns. She had c ompl ai ned of f eel i ng f at and unattr ac ti v e. A nd she had f el t di stant f r om her husb and. A l though she had w anted to

c onti nue ther apy , her l i f e w as too c haoti c to sc hedul e appoi ntments. Dur i ng our f i nal sessi on, I had suggested that she f i nd smal l w ay s to stay i n touc h w i th her husb and dur i ng the day . Yes, i t c an b e a c hal l enge to stay c l ose w hen k i ds ar e y oung and f ami l y demands ar e hi gh, b ut that’s no ex c use f or putti ng the r el ati onshi p on the b ac k b ur ner . N ow , I w as amazed to see her l ook i ng tr i m and r ested. She had c ome b ac k f or a f ew sessi ons to pr oc ess the death of her b el ov ed gr andf ather . She sai d that ev en though thi s l oss w as pai nf ul , i n gener al she w as ex tr emel y happy w i th her l i f e. I w as just ab out to ask ab out her husb and w hen Beethov en’s Fi f th Sy mphony w af ted out of her pur se. “Oh, I’m so sor r y ab out that,” she r esponded. A s she mov ed to si l enc e her c el l phone, she gl anc ed at the sc r een and c ommented, “Oh, i t’s a tex t f r om Ger r y .” She emi tted a gi r l i sh gi ggl e and b l ushed. “He’s so sw eet.” “How ar e thi ngs w i th Ger r y ?” I ask ed. “W e stay c onnec ted dur i ng the day now ,” she sai d w i th a smi l e. “W e l ov e tex ti ng.” “I’m so gl ad,” I sai d. “W hat y ou di dn’t tel l me,” she c onti nued, “i s that stay i ng c onnec ted dur i ng the day w oul d k eep us c onnec ted at ni ght!” REF LECTI ON: How do y our day s and ni ghts f l ow di f f er entl y w hen y ou k now that y ou and y our mate ar e i ntenti onal l y b onded together ?

HABI T 6

Picture This PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e at w or k , dur i ng a c of f ee b r eak HABI T: Look at a photogr aph of y our b el ov ed (on y our desk , on y our c omputer , on y our phone, i n y our w al l et). A s y ou l ook at the pi c tur e, pl ac e y our r i ght hand ov er y our hear t and b r eathe deepl y . N oti c e the detai l s and r ec al l the c i r c umstanc es i nv ol v ed i n the photogr aph: the ev ent, the sw eater , the mood, the w eather . Rememb er the l ov e that y ou hav e f or thi s spec i al per son. Hol d thi s l ov i ng f eel i ng i n y our hear t f or up to tw enty sec onds, l etti ng the f eel i ng ex pand w i thi n y ou. PURPOSE: W hen y ou i ntenti onal l y summon a posi ti v e f eel i ng i nto y our aw ar eness and then hei ghten and ex pand that f eel i ng, y ou b egi n to c r eate new neur al pathw ay s i n the b r ai n. Resear c h show s that hei ghteni ng a f eel i ng f or tw enty or mor e sec onds tur ns ex pl i c i t memor y (the r ec ol l ec ti on of an ev ent) i nto i mpl i c i t memor y (a f el t sense r ooted i n b r ai n str uc tur e). Thi s tool i s an adaptati on of Ri c k Hanson’s “Tak i ng i n the Good” ex er c i se. Hanson (c oauthor w i th Ri c har d Mendi us of Buddh a’s Brain: Th e Prac tic al Neuros c ienc e of Happines s , Lov e, and Wis dom ) ex pl ai ns that i ntenti onal l y r ec al l i ng, r e-ex per i enc i ng, and mental l y ab sor b i ng an ev ent w i r es posi ti v e neur al str uc tur es i n the b r ai n, mak i ng i t par t of y our w ay of b ei ng.

Fur ther mor e, pl ac i ng y our hand ov er y our hear t c r eates an i mmedi ate phy si c al f eel i ng of c al m and c onnec ti on. “You may tur n on al l por tab l e el ec tr oni c dev i c es,” announc ed the f l i ght attendant. Peopl e ar ound me b egan tur ni ng on thei r l aptops. I r etur ned my attenti on to the b ook that I w as r eadi ng. The ol der gentl eman b esi de me pul l ed out hi s w al l et and b egan si f ti ng thr ough photogr aphs. I gl anc ed ov er and saw hi m smi l i ng as he l ook ed at the pi c tur e of hi msel f w i th hi s ar ms ar ound a w oman. He tur ned to l ook at me and sai d, “That’s me w i th my b eauti f ul w i f e. W e’v e b een mar r i ed f or thi r ty -sev en i nc r edi b l y happy y ear s.” Bei ng a c oupl es ther api st, I c oul dn’t r esi st ask i ng a nosy questi on: “W hat’s y our sec r et f or a happy mar r i age?” He smi l ed and si ghed. “W el l , l et’s see … w hat i s the sec r et? For me, y ou k now , I nev er l ose si ght of the f ac t that I’m l uc k y to b e shar i ng my l i f e w i th thi s amazi ng w oman. W hen I l ook at thi s pi c tur e, I just ex per i enc e that tr uth r i ght her e,” he sai d, gestur i ng to hi s hear t. “W ow ,” I mur mur ed, “So y ou l ook at her pi c tur e w hen y ou tr av el just to r ememb er y our l ov e?” He smi l ed. “N ot just w hen I tr av el . I l ook at thi s pi c tur e —or some pi c tur e of her —ev er y day . Thi s i s my f av or i te, f or some r eason. W e w er e on our tw enti eth w eddi ng anni v er sar y tr i p i n Fr anc e.”

I pr essed hi m. “You l ook at her pi c tur e ev ery s ingle day ?” “Of c our se,” he answ er ed. “I l i k e the f eel i ng I get w hen I l ook at i t. It r emi nds me that I’m a l uc k y son of a b i tc h … par don my Fr enc h.” W e b oth smi l ed. REF LECTI ON: A l l ow y our sel f a moment to r eal l y see y our spouse i n the pi c tur e and f eel w hat i t’s l i k e to l ov e that spec i al per son.

HABI T 7

Puppy Love PROMPT: W hen y ou r euni te at the end of the day HABI T: Gr eet eac h other w i th enthusi asm. Be ex c i ted and gr atef ul that y our b el ov ed has c ome home. Stop w hat y ou’r e doi ng, engage i n a f ul l b ody hug (stomac h to stomac h), and hol d the pose f or tw enty or mor e sec onds. Feel y our b odi es r el ax i nto eac h other and say , “I’m so gl ad y ou’r e home.” (Feel f r ee to use w hatev er w or ds and phr ases b est ex pr ess y our l ov e.) If y ou’r e the one c omi ng home, go up to y our spouse, engage i n the ex tended hug and say , “I’m so gl ad to b e home.” PURPOSE: Thi s r euni on hug w i l l f eel unusual l y l ong at f i r st. How ev er , i t tak es tw enty sec onds to sti mul ate the

f l ow of ox y toc i n, the b ondi ng hor mone. W hen y ou ac ti v ate the r el ease of thi s hor mone, y ou star t to f eel c l oser and mor e c onnec ted r i ght aw ay . You mi ght f i nd i t i ni ti al l y c hal l engi ng to mak e thi s ex er c i se i nto a hab i t, b ec ause i f y ou’r e the one c omi ng home, y ou w i l l hav e many demands on y our attenti on (c hec k the mai l , c hec k the e-mai l , hug the k i ds, r etur n a phone c al l ). A nd i f y ou’r e the one al r eady home, y ou may f eel i nc onv eni enc ed to dr op w hat y ou w er e doi ng i n or der to engage i n thi s r i tual . Most of us ar e used to a c ur sor y “w el c ome home” pec k —i f that. How ev er , w hen y ou dev el op the hab i t of thi s ox y toc i nr i c h r ec epti on, y ou i gni te passi on. You i nc r ease aw ar eness of how pr ec i ous y our par tner i s to y ou, and y ou b r eak the c y c l e of dul l r outi ne and c ompl ac enc y . Sal l y c ompl ai ned that her husb and b ar el y noti c ed her w hen he c ame home f r om w or k . She l ook ed at me and sni f f ed, “He happi l y hugs the k i ds; he ev en pats the dog enthusi asti c al l y . Me? I b ar el y get a nod.” Sal l y w anted mor e than any thi ng to k now that she matter ed to her husb and. I k new how she f el t. Ther e had b een too many ti mes w hen Dan c ame home and I f el t i nv i si b l e. Or w or se, ti mes w hen I c ame home and gr eeted good ol d Hi c k or y , my f ai thf ul gol den r etr i ev er , w i th r eal enthusi asm w hi l e Dan got a si mpl e “Hi .” It just di dn’t seem r i ght that upon c omi ng home, I c oul d get dow n on the f l oor to r ub Hi c k or y ’s b el l y w her eas to Dan I w oul d just say , “Hey , di d y ou r ememb er to pi c k up mi l k ?”

Yep, gui l ty . A nd so, one c r i sp autumn af ter noon, af ter r ef l ec ti ng on thi s unsati sf ac tor y r euni on, I dec i ded to tur n thi ngs ar ound and gi v e Dani el a c ompl ete puppy w el c ome. That ev eni ng, r ather than w ai t f or hi m to enter the house, w hi c h w oul d b e c ustomar y , I b ounded out the f r ont door , r an to hi m outsi de and gav e hi m a b i g hug. He natur al l y attempted to pul l b ac k af ter a sec ond b ut I hel d on l onger . I hel d on f or dear l i f e. Dan b egan to l augh and star ted to hug me b ac k . A t that pr ec i se moment, our nei ghb or ac r oss the str eet appear ed at the end of hi s dr i v ew ay . Thi s c ur mudgeonl y nei ghb or , a man w hom w e had har dl y ev er seen i n thr ee y ear s, b ar k ed, “May b e y ou’d b etter tak e i t i nsi de.” A nd so w e di d. REF LECTI ON: How do y ou f eel w hen y ou mak e y our par tner f eel c her i shed w hen he or she w al k s i n the door ?

HABI T 8

Touch Tone PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e hav i ng di nner together , on an av er age w eek ni ght HABI T: Thi s hab i t has tw o par ts: Fi r st, tur n of f the TV and/or al l sc r eens w hi l e y ou’r e eati ng. Sec ond, mak e i t a poi nt to touc h y our spouse dur i ng the meal . You c an ei ther do thi s sec r etl y , under the tab l e, or pub l i c l y f or al l to see.

You c an str ok e hi s ar m, hol d her hand, touc h hi s f oot, str ok e her c heek … w hatev er tak es y our f anc y at that moment. PURPOSE: Just as ther e ar e hab i ts f or a heal thy mar r i age, some hab i ts ar e unheal thy . Eati ng i n f r ont of the tel ev i si on r egul ar l y i s b ad f or y ou. You i nter ac t l ess as a c oupl e (and as a f ami l y ), the TV c r eates a tone of di str ac ti on and i ntr usi on, and y ou tend to ov er eat w hi l e enjoy i ng y our f ood l ess. Conv er sel y , the hab i t of eati ng w i thout w atc hi ng a sc r een c r eates a c l i mate of f oc used, undi v i ded attenti on. Touc h i s a v i tal par t of f eel i ng and stay i ng c onnec ted. By i ts natur e, touc h i s an i nti mate, r el ati onshi p-b ui l di ng ac ti v i ty . In the ear l y stages of thei r r el ati onshi p, c oupl es ty pi c al l y touc h mor e f r equentl y . But as ti me goes b y , they touc h eac h other l ess and l ess. Reb ui l di ng thi s touc hi ng hab i t b y hav i ng a r egul ar ti me to touc h hel ps c r eate i nti mac y and hi ghl i ghts the “us” spac e. If y ou l i v e w i th c hi l dr en, the dual hab i ts of no TV and i ntenti onal touc hi ng model f or them a sense of tender , f oc used af f ec ti on that they w i l l c ar r y i nto thei r adul t r el ati onshi ps. Di nner ti me shoul d b e a b r i ef r espi te f r om the w or l d at l ar ge, an oppor tuni ty f or saf e har b or , f or r ef uel i ng af ter a b usy day . I r ec entl y w or k ed w i th a mi ddl e-aged c oupl e w i th no c hi l dr en w hose w i f e c ompl ai ned that they don’t c onnec t at the end of the day . I ask ed her to desc r i b e a ty pi c al ev eni ng at home.

“W e w atc h the new s dur i ng di nner ,” Laur a sai d, “and then Ral ph goes to the b asement to w or k on hi s stuf f . I just end up r eadi ng i n the b edr oom. W e har dl y say a w or d to eac h other .” Tel ev i si on dur i ng di nner —the k i ss of death, I thought. W hi l e I’m not gener al l y opposed to new s or enter tai nment pr ogr ams, I k now i t’s heal thi er f or a c oupl e or f ami l y to spend f i f teen to thi r ty mi nutes sc r een f r ee w hi l e they r ec onnec t ov er the di nner tab l e. I gav e Laur a and Ral ph a homew or k assi gnment: Dur i ng the nex t w eek , spend eac h di nner w i thout tel ev i si on and see w hat happened. The nex t w eek w hen they c ame to thei r sessi on, Laur a w as del i ghted to tel l me of thei r pr ogr ess. It tur ned out that they ac tual l y enjoy ed tal k i ng to eac h other w i thout the di str ac ti on of the tel ev i si on. For them, meal ti me tel ev i si on had si mpl y b ec ome a sl oppy hab i t that needed to c hange. For homew or k ov er the nex t w eek end, I ask ed them to touc h eac h other sev er al ti mes dur i ng di nner . Dur i ng the nex t sessi on, Laur a and Ral ph w er e b oth smi l i ng. “Ral ph doesn’t al w ay s go to the b asement any mor e,” she sai d, gr i nni ng. “I guess he di sc ov er ed that r eadi ng i n b ed w i th me i sn’t so b ad af ter al l .” She b l ushed. “Of c our se, w e don’t just r ead.” REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou stand to gai n b y l etti ng go of tel ev i si on at di nner ? W hat mi ght y ou gai n b y b ei ng the f i r st to r eac h out?

HABI T 9

Thanks for the Memories PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e getti ng r eady f or b ed HABI T: Mental l y r ev i ew y our day and then thank y our b el ov ed f or some ac ti on, w or d, or ex per i enc e. If y ou’r e getti ng r eady together , tel l her or hi m i n that moment. If y ou’r e the f i r st to b ed, tel l y our par tner b ef or e y ou r eti r e, al ong w i th a goodni ght k i ss. If y ou’r e the l ast to b ed, w r i te i t dow n f or y our spouse to f i nd i n the mor ni ng. PURPOSE: W e al l hav e a negati v i ty b i as. Thi s means that w e natur al l y tend to noti c e w hat’s goi ng w r ong i n our w or l d. Thi s w as sel ec ti v el y adv antageous f or muc h of human hi stor y . Our ab i l i ty to sc an f or pr ob l ems al l ow ed us to av oi d mor tal danger —say , sab er -toothed ti ger s l ur k i ng outsi de our c av e—and thus pass on our genes. Our anx i ous anc estor s av oi ded the ti ger s, w her eas the b l i ssed-out nav el gazer s b ec ame l unc h, thus l eav i ng no desc endants! W e may b e w i r ed to sur v i v e b ut that doesn’t mean w e’r e w i r ed to b e happy . W hi l e dev el opi ng a hab i t of appr ec i ati on mi ght not hav e k ept y ou al i v e on the pl ai ns of pr ehi stor i c A f r i c a, today i t w i l l mak e y ou mor e happi l y c oupl ed. Hab i tual l y demonstr ati ng gr ati tude f or y our mate’s r ec ent b ehav i or does sev er al thi ngs. Fi r st, y our par tner f eel s appr ec i ated. A nd w hen y our par tner f eel s appr ec i ated, he or she opens up to l ov e and w ar mth. Sec ond,

as y ou f oc us on w hat i n y our w or l d i s goi ng w el l , y ou b egi n to see mor e and mor e c i r c umstanc es, ac ti ons, and sw eet moments f or w hi c h to b e gr atef ul . Deal i ng w i th l i f e’s c hal l enges i s l ar gel y a matter of w her e y ou di r ec t y our attenti on. W hen y ou shi ne a f l ashl i ght on pr ob l ems, of ten y ou w i l l see mor e pr ob l ems. But w hen y ou shi ne the f l ashl i ght on al l the thi ngs y ou appr ec i ate ab out y our par tner , y ou i nc r ease y our ow n sati sf ac ti on w i th the r el ati onshi p. Gr ati tude i s hab i t f or mi ng. NOTE: It i s not nec essar y f or thi s to b e a ti t-f or -tat hab i t. Be w i l l i ng to of f er an appr ec i ati on w i th no ex pec tati ons f or r ec i pr oc ati on. V i ew i t as a gi f t gi v en f r eel y , r egar dl ess of the r esponse. A l though w or k i ng w i th Dani el has many b enef i ts, i t’s v er y easy f or our w or k l i f e to spi l l i nto our home l i f e. One ni ght as w e w er e getti ng r eady f or b ed, w e b egan to di sc uss w or k . A s I w as putti ng on my ni ghtgow n, w e c r eated a to-do l i st that i nv ol v ed c l i ent b i l l i ng, soc i al medi a posti ng, and ar ti c l e w r i ti ng. W hi l e b r ushi ng my teeth, my mi nd w as l i k e a r unaw ay tr ai n. I k new f r om ex per i enc e that w i th my mi nd c huggi ng al ong at f ul l steam, I w oul d hav e tr oub l e f al l i ng asl eep. A s I w or r i ed ab out i nsomni a, my b r ai n got ev en mor e addl ed; I i magi ned b ei ng too ti r ed the nex t day to c ompl ete the to-do l i st w e’d just c onstr uc ted.

Dan w atc hed me tak i ng of f my mak eup, noti ng that I w as si ghi ng i n that w ay that i ndi c ated I w as super str essed. He c ame ov er , put hi s hand on my shoul der and sai d, “Di d I tel l y ou today how f ab ul ous y our ar ti c l e w as? I k now i t w i l l hel p a l ot of peopl e.” “Oh, r eal l y ?” I b egan to b r eathe a l i ttl e deeper . “A nd,” he c onti nued, “di d I menti on how muc h I appr ec i ate that y ou took c ar e of the l aundr y today ?” “A hhh,” I ex hal ed, and f el t my shoul der s r el ax . My b r eathi ng got sl ow er and smoother . Hi s si mpl e ex c l amati ons of gr ati tude made me f eel mor e r el ax ed … mor e appr ec i ated. That ni ght, I sl ept l i k e a b ab y . N ow , w hen Dan i s pul l i ng out the dental f l oss, I of f er a dai l y memor y w i th a w or d of thank s f or hi m. He usual l y f ol l ow s sui t, and w e engage i n a Pi ng-Pong game of gr ati tude. I c an attest that w hen y ou dev el op thi s hab i t, the ener gy of goi ng to b ed together w i l l b e c har ged w i th a c asc ade of appr ec i ati on. W ar ni ng: Doi ng thi s ex er c i se may not l ead to i mmedi ate sl umb er (w i nk ). REF LECTI ON: How does a dai l y gr ati tude pr ac ti c e i mpr ov e y our ow n ov er al l sati sf ac ti on i n the r el ati onshi p?

HABI T 10

Shake It Up, Baby

PROMPT: Bef or e y ou go i nto y our b edr oom at ni ght HABI T: Stand outsi de the b edr oom door and shak e of f the str esses of the day . Rel ax y our shoul der s, and then shak e y our r i ght l eg, y our l ef t l eg, y our r i ght ar m, and y our l ef t ar m. U se y our r i ght hand to “sw eep” ener gy of f the f r ont of y our b ody (f r om head to toe). Then use y our l ef t hand to “sw eep” ener gy of f the b ac k of y our b ody . Spend a moment b ounc i ng on the b al l s of y our f eet as y ou c onti nue to shak e y our b ody and ex hal e deepl y . Let the day ’s mi nd-c l utter shak e of f . PURPOSE: Shak i ng i s a si mpl e and ef f ec ti v e str ess management tool . Shak i ng y our b ody r el ax es y our musc l es, l ub r i c ates joi nts, i nc r eases c i r c ul ati on, gi v es y our mi nd a b r eak , r el eases ener gy b l oc k s, and di sc har ges ex c ess ener gy . In Qi Gong, a f or m of Chi nese ener gy medi c i ne, “shak i ng the tr ee” (i .e., b ody ) i s c onsi der ed an i mpor tant ex er c i se to r el i ev e str ess and pr epar e the b ody f or r el ax ati on. W hen y ou c onsc i ousl y r el ease str ess b ef or e y ou enter the sanc tuar y of the b edr oom, y ou c l ear out mental and phy si c al c l utter so y ou c an tr ansi ti on peac ef ul l y to y our r esti ng spot. Ther e, y ou w i l l b e f r ee and c l ear , ei ther to b e w i th y our mate, r ead together , c hat, hav e sex , c uddl e, or si mpl y f al l asl eep w i thout the usual r ac i ng mi nd. I of ten tal k w i th c oupl es ab out good sl eep hy gi ene. I ty pi c al l y r ec ommend that c oupl es do not di sc uss l oaded

topi c s l ate at ni ght. I ask them to r ef r ai n f r om w atc hi ng the new s af ter 9 P.M. or b r i ngi ng w or k to b ed. I al so r ec ommend the ul ti mate happi ness hab i t: goi ng to b ed at the same ti me. A l though thi s seems a si mpl e ac ti v i ty that many c oupl es tak e f or gr anted, f or other c oupl es, i t f eel s l i k e a Her c ul ean task . Bar b ar a and Bi l l w er e r el uc tant, at f i r st, to tr y to c hange thei r b edti me patter n. Bar b ar a w as a ni ght ow l and enjoy ed her qui et ti me af ter Bi l l w ent to b ed. Bi l l w as sad that he al w ay s f el l asl eep al one, b ut he under stood that they had di f f er ent i nter nal c l oc k s and w or k sc hedul es. In the end, they agr eed to go to b ed together at l east tw o ni ghts per w eek . If nec essar y , Bar b ar a w oul d go to b ed w i th Bi l l and then sneak out agai n af ter he f el l asl eep so she c oul d stay up w i th her f av or i te magazi nes. A f ter a f ew w eek s of thi s, Bar b ar a r epor ted that ev en though i t w as ni c e to c uddl e w i th Bob and hav e that c onnec ti on, she f el t agi tated as she w ai ted f or hi m to sl eep so she c oul d get up. In f ac t, she w ent i nto the b edr oom f eel i ng anx i ous and str essed. How ev er , af ter engagi ng i n the “Shak e It U p, Bab y ” hab i t eac h ni ght b ef or e she enter ed the sanc tuar y of the b edr oom, she ex per i enc ed an unex pec ted shi f t. Bar b ar a tol d me, “I f el t so r el ax ed af ter shak i ng f or thr ee or f our mi nutes that I ac tual l y f el l asl eep b ef or e Bob ! I guess I’l l hav e to f i nd another ti me to r ead my magazi nes!” REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou v i gi l ant ab out pr otec ti ng the sac r ed spac e of the b edr oom, or do y ou l et other thi ngs tak e pr i or i ty ?

HABI T 11

Life and Breath PROMPT: Bef or e y ou f al l asl eep HABI T: Lay y our f i nger ac r oss y our par tner ’s upper l i p, l i k e a f i nger mustac he. Feel hi s/her b r eath gentl y on y our f i nger . Si l entl y (or al oud) gi v e thank s that y our b el ov ed i s al i v e and b esi de y ou. PURPOSE: Bei ng aw ar e of y our mor tal i ty (and that of y our spouse) i s usef ul b ec ause i t means that w e stop tak i ng our ti me f or gr anted. A gai nst the b ac k dr op of death, ev er y moment matter s. A f ter al l , one of y ou w i l l outl i v e the other . Rather than hi de f r om thi s r eal i ty , use i t to hei ghten y our aw ar eness and appr ec i ati on. My sti c s and spi r i tual pr ac ti ti oner s w or l dw i de mak e a hab i t of l ook i ng at death head on. They mi ght medi tate w i th mal a b eads made of c amel or y ak b one i n or der to hei ghten r ef l ec ti on on i mper manenc e. Some of the mal a b eads ar e ev en c ar v ed i nto the shape of sk ul l s. W e’r e not suggesti ng y ou go that f ar , b ut a hab i t that w i l l b e a mi ndf ul r ef l ec ti on on y our ti me together w i l l str engthen the l ov e y ou f eel f or one another . She sat ac r oss f r om me i n my of f i c e w i th her b ody sl umped i n the c hai r . She seemed unab l e to ev en hol d up her head. Thi s w as our f i r st sessi on, and her husb and had di ed thr ee w eek s pr ev i ousl y . Her b r eath w as r agged as she c hok ed

b ac k sob s and tol d me of the ni ght that she f ound hi m. She had w ok en up i n the mi ddl e of the ni ght and f ound that he w asn’t i n b ed. W onder i ng w her e he c oul d b e, she w ent dow nstai r s and f ound hi m on the k i tc hen f l oor . He had r ec entl y tur ned f or ty -f our y ear s ol d. N or mal l y I c an l i sten w i th c ompassi on and not get dr agged dow n the r ab b i t hol e of gr i ef . It’s the onl y w ay I c an do my w or k ef f ec ti v el y . But i n thi s i nstanc e, I f el t al most as i f a denti st had c ov er ed me i n a l eaden b l ank et. I f el t w ei ghted dow n … heav y . My head al so sl umped b ac k i n my c hai r . I f el t par al y zed w i th her gr i ef . Per haps i t w as b ec ause she w as ex ac tl y my age, w i th c hi l dr en ex ac tl y the same age as mi ne. Per haps i t w as b ec ause her r el ati onshi p w i th her husb and sounded v er y muc h l i k e my r el ati onshi p w i th Dani el , c l ose and i nti mate. W hatev er the r eason, I f el t her pai n w i th an unusual i ntensi ty . I l i stened as she i mpl or ed to the heav ens how she w oul d gi v e any thi ng to hav e one mor e ni ght, one mor e day b esi de her b el ov ed. That ni ght as I sl i pped i nto b ed b esi de Dani el , I w as k eenl y aw ar e of the pr ec i ous gi f t of l i f e. The nor mal c ompl ac enc y that I mi ght usual l y f eel mel ted at the r eal i zati on that our tomor r ow together w as not guar anteed. A s I f el t hi s b r eath on my hand, I k new that I w as f ul l y i n the moment, aw ar e of and gr atef ul f or hi s pr esenc e. REF LECTI ON: If y ou w er e aw ar e of death ev er y ni ght, how w oul d i t c hange the w ay y ou l i v ed dur i ng y our day s?

CHAPTER 4

Let’s Get Physical: Habits to Share Your Bodies In the 1 960s, sc i enti st Har r y Har l ow c onduc ted a ser i es of c ontr ov er si al ex per i ments w i th b ab y r hesus monk ey s to deter mi ne the ef f ec t of af f ec ti on and l ov e on i nf ants. The b ab y monk ey s w er e separ ated f r om thei r b i ol ogi c al mother s and w er e nour i shed b y a “sur r ogate” mother : a metal di spenser that of f er ed f ood and w ater . N ot sur pr i si ngl y , these poor monk ey s, depr i v ed of mater nal w ar mth and touc h, f ai l ed to thr i v e and, i n f ac t, suf f er ed sev er e psy c hol ogi c al and emoti onal di str ess. W e ar e, qui te si mpl y , w i r ed to b e phy si c al l y c onnec ted to other s. Ev en the ster eoty pi c al gender di f f er enc e i n the b edr oom (men w ant sex and w omen w ant to c uddl e) i ndi c ates that b oth gender s essenti al l y desi r e phy si c al i nter ac ti on. W hi l e w e may r ec ei v e touc h f r om our f r i ends, our par ents, our c hi l dr en, and ev en f r om our pets, the most i nti mate touc h of al l c omes thr ough the r omanti c c oupl e r el ati onshi p. W i thi n the c onf i nes of thi s sac r ed r el ati onshi p, touc h i s i nti mate, ar ousi ng, pl ay f ul , sex ual — and essenti al . Most c oupl es f i nd that they touc h f r equentl y w hen they ar e c our ti ng. But as ti me goes b y , thei r r ate of

touc hi ng dr ops dr asti c al l y . Phy si c al af f ec ti on c r eates a b ond—ev er y thi ng f r om a str ok e on the head, the hol di ng of hands, passi onate k i sses, and l ong l ei sur el y mor ni ngs i n b ed. A l l these and mor e ar e v i tal f or ex tr aor di nar y l ov e. The f ol l ow i ng hab i ts w i l l mak e i t easy to spr i nk l e y our day s w i th touc h. Do so and w atc h y our l ov e b l oom.

HABI T 12

Necking PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e i n a c ar together at a r ed l i ght HABI T: Gentl y touc h the b ac k of the nec k of y our b el ov ed. PURPOSE: Fr om the moment w e’r e b or n, w e c r av e human touc h. It’s as v i tal as the ai r w e b r eathe. The heal th b enef i ts of r egul ar touc h i nc l ude l ow er str ess l ev el s, l ess anx i ety and depr essi on, an enhanc ed i mmune sy stem, and ev en i nc r eased pai n tol er anc e. A s a f or m of c ommuni c ati on b etw een l ov er s, i t’s a tangi b l e ex pr essi on of c ar e, i nv ol v ement, and suppor t. The b ac k of the nec k , i n par ti c ul ar , i s a pow er house of ner v e endi ngs. Touc h i n thi s w ay c r eates a pow er f ul ener geti c b ond. To do i t r egul ar l y , as par t of y our dai l y r outi ne, k eeps that c onnec ti on al i v e and w el l . For ty peopl e, par ti c i pati ng i n a gr oup medi tati on, sat w i th thei r ey es c l osed i n c ompl ete and total si l enc e. Most w er e

c r oss-l egged, si tti ng on the f l oor i n the l otus posi ti on. Sev er al , i nc l udi ng my sel f , w er e si tti ng upr i ght i n a c hai r . I f el t w r apped i n the c omf or ti ng and densel y c al m ener gy that emer ges w hen sev er al dozen peopl e joi n thei r mi nds i n a c ommon goal . A nd then, spontaneousl y , I r eac hed out to touc h Dani el w ho w as si tti ng on the f l oor di r ec tl y i n f r ont of me. A s I w r apped my pal m ar ound the b ac k of hi s nec k , he b r eathed i n sl ow l y and deepl y . A t that moment, I f el t a tangi b l e, pal pab l e c onnec ti on … al most as i f an el ec tr i c c ur r ent had b een gener ated b etw een us. In the mi dst of thi s r oom of f oc used c onc entr ati on, our sense of oneness w as hei ghtened b y a si mpl e touc h. Fast f or w ar d sev er al y ear s l ater … Dani el and I dec i ded to tak e our f i v e c hi l dr en on a onc e-i n-a-l i f eti me tr i p to Eur ope. Par t of the c el eb r ati on w as to honor our ol dest daughter ’s r ec ent gr aduati on f r om hi gh sc hool w i th the r ec ogni ti on that w e w er e mov i ng i nto a new c hapter of our l i f e as a f ami l y . W e r ented a l ar ge v an and headed of f on our tour . A l though any gr oup of sev en peopl e may ex per i enc e str essf ul moments i n a c ar together , the dy nami c s of a b l ended f ami l y c an b e espec i al l y c hal l engi ng. I w as c onc er ned that Dan and I w oul d l ose our c onnec ti on to eac h other . In f ac t, I w as qui te anx i ous that the c ar r i des, i n par ti c ul ar , w oul d b e nothi ng shor t of c haos. Dur i ng a day l ong outi ng, ear l y on i n the tr i p, I r ememb er ed that magi c al c onnec ti on w e ex per i enc ed

dur i ng the medi tati on. A nd so, i n a gi ant mi ni v an on a hi ghw ay , I r eac hed ov er and gentl y touc hed hi s nec k . A hhh, y es! For the r est of the thr ee-w eek tr i p, w hether k i ds w er e sl eepi ng i n the b ac k , c hatter i ng ab out our i ti ner ar y , pl ay i ng c ar games, ar gui ng, or si ngi ng, ev er y now and then I w oul d r eac h ov er and w r ap my hand on the b ac k of my b el ov ed’s nec k . Si gh. Rel i ef . Connec ti on. You c oul d say that w e w er e “nec k i ng” our w ay thr ough the enti r e v ac ati on. REF LECTI ON: Is shar i ng af f ec ti on thr ough touc h easy f or y ou or di f f i c ul t? How di d y ou ex per i enc e touc h w hen y ou w er e a c hi l d?

HABI T 13

Strawberry PROMPT: Dur i ng di nner pr epar ati ons—or r i ght b ef or e y ou si t dow n to di nner HABI T: Stop w hatev er i t i s y ou ar e doi ng, go up to y our b el ov ed, and then gi v e hi m or her a b i g, show -stoppi ng, r omanti c Hol l y w ood-sty l e k i ss. PURPOSE: Ki ssi ng on the l i ps i s a shoc k i ngl y i nti mate ac t. You mi ght k i ss other peopl e on the c heek or f or ehead, b ut k i ssi ng deepl y on the l i ps i s r eser v ed f or y our par tner .

Gi v i ng hi m a r omanti c , i ntenti onal k i ss—not a r ote pec k on the l i ps—c onf i r ms to y our c ompani on that he i s “the one.” N ew c oupl es usual l y k i ss f r equentl y w her eas l onger ter m c oupl es tend to dr op thi s gestur e. In many c ases k i ssi ng b ec omes onl y a pr el ude f or sex . In f ac t, some peopl e av oi d i nti mate k i ssi ng f or f ear that i t w i l l l ead to sex . W hat y ou need to do i s get i nto the hab i t of k i ssi ng f or i ts ow n sak e. Stop w hat y ou’r e doi ng and, ev en i n the mi dst of c haos, mak e thi s l ov i ng c onnec ti on. In a c l assi c Buddhi st stor y a w oman i s c hased b y ti ger s. She ev entual l y c omes to the edge of a c l i f f , noti c es a v i ne gr ow i ng ov er the c l i f f , and c l i mb s dow n i t i n hopes of esc ape. But as she l ook s b el ow , she sees that ther e ar e ti ger s on the gr ound as w el l . In the mi dst of thi s di l emma, she noti c es a smal l mouse ni b b l i ng on the v i ne ab ov e her . Ti ger s ab ov e, ti ger s b el ow , and a f ai l i ng r ope. A t f i r st she pani c s. But then she noti c es, c l i ngi ng to the c l i f f , a si ngl e r i pe str aw b er r y . She pl uc k s the f r ui t, pops i t i n her mouth, and sav or s i t thor oughl y . W hat c oul d thi s al l mean? Her l i f e i s ab out to end and she’s sav or i ng a str aw b er r y ? W el l , y es, that’s ex ac tl y the poi nt. The ti ger s ar e meant to r epr esent b i r th and death. By l i v i ng, eac h of us i s c aught b etw een these tw o r eal i ti es. The mouse r epr esents l i f e as i nc onv eni ent, di f f i c ul t, and danger ous. But the c hoi c e to sav or and enjoy our b l essi ngs w hi l e w e c an—ev en i n the mi dst of mor tal i ty and c hal l enges—i s to r eal l y l i v e.

One ni ght, w hi l e di nner w as w ai ti ng to b e assemb l ed, w hi l e c ats w er e c i r c l i ng f or thei r f ood, w hi l e c hi l dr en w er e ask i ng f or hel p w i th homew or k , w hi l e the di shw asher needed to b e empti ed, w hi l e the tab l e needed to b e set, w hi l e the mai l w as stac k ed on the c ounter —i n the mi ddl e of the may hem, I saw my str aw b er r y . I w al k ed up to Dan and gav e hi m a b i g, sl ow smooc h. A c ol l ec ti v e, “Ew w w w w ! Gr oss!” ar ose f r om the c hi l dr en. But I’m happy f or them to see i nti mac y b ei ng model ed. May b e one day , many y ear s f r om now , they ’l l of f er thei r b el ov ed a b eauti f ul k i ss, r i ght i n the mi dst of thei r ow n di nner pr epar ati ons. REF LECTI ON: W hat gets i n y our w ay of of f er i ng y our mate the gi f t of a k i ss?

HABI T 14

Some Body PROMPT: W hen y ou get out of the show er or b ath and ar e dr y i ng of f w i th a tow el HABI T: W i th the r ev er enc e that y ou w oul d use tow ar d a new b or n b ab y , dr y of f y our b ody par ts w i th tender ness and thank them f or thei r amazi ng f unc ti onal i ty . Thank eac h spec i f i c b ody par t f or al l ow i ng y ou to mov e thr ough y our l i f e.

PURPOSE: W hen y ou b ui l d the hab i t of r ec ogni zi ng y our b ody f or the mi r ac ul ous c r eati on that i t i s, y ou c ul ti v ate a l ov i ng tender ness tow ar d i t. A nd, as y ou do that, y ou of f er y our par tner a c hanc e to par ti c i pate i n thi s tender ness and ex tend the same f eel i ngs tow ar d hi s b ody . W hen y ou b ec ome mor e c omf or tab l e w i th y our b ody , y ou b ec ome mor e c onf i dent. Ther e i s nothi ng sex i er than a per son w ho i s total l y at home i n her or hi s ow n sk i n. You’l l b e ab l e to get nak ed mor e easi l y and w i l l hav e mor e enthusi asm f or shar i ng y our b ody w i th y our b el ov ed w i th an unr eser v ed passi on. For mor e than tw o dec ades i n my of f i c e, I hav e hear d w omen and men of al l ages, al l shapes, and al l si zes tel l me they ar e not c omf or tab l e i n thei r ow n b odi es. U nf or tunatel y , thi s i nsec ur i ty of ten af f ec ts thei r mar r i ages. Thi r ty -y ear -ol d Mar gar et c ame f r om a l ong l i ne of ov er w ei ght i ndi v i dual s and had al w ay s b een sel f -c onsc i ous ab out her b ody . She tol d me that she had nev er ac tual l y b een nak ed w i th her husb and of f i v e y ear s. Instead she al w ay s w or e a ni ghtgow n w hen they made l ov e. She w as f i l l ed w i th shame. Mar gar et c onf essed, “Har r y i s al w ay s tel l i ng me that I’m b eauti f ul and i t r eal l y hur ts hi m that I w on’t get nak ed i n f r ont of hi m. But i f he sees thi s r ol l of f l ab , he’s goi ng to b e di sgusted b y me.” A l though Mar gar et had joi ned w ei ght-l oss pr ogr ams i n the past, she had nev er made muc h pr ogr ess. I suggested to her that that she needed to l ov e her b ody now , ex ac tl y as i t

w as. Then, she w oul d b e i n a b etter posi ti on to c onti nue l ov i ng her b ody as she l ost w ei ght. If she di dn’t l ose w ei ght, she w oul d sti l l l ov e her b ody . “How i s that possi b l e,” she si ghed. “How c oul d I l ov e a l eg l i k e thi s?” “A r e y ou gl ad that y ou c an w al k w i th that l eg?” I ask ed. “Do y ou k now w hat someone i n a w heel c hai r mi ght gi v e f or a l eg l i k e that? Doesn’t Har r y l ov e that l eg?” A s I w or k ed w i th Mar gar et ov er the nex t si x months, she used thi s hab i t ev er y day to dev el op a mor e l ov i ng r el ati onshi p w i th her b ody . One day , she c ame out of the show er and w as tel l i ng her f oot that she l ov ed i t w hen Har r y w al k ed i n. She gr ab b ed a r ob e to c ov er her sel f . “W hat i n the w or l d ar e y ou doi ng?” he ask ed. She tol d hi m that she w as l ear ni ng to l ov e her b ody so she c oul d b e nak ed i n f r ont of hi m. W hen he hear d thi s, he w as so mov ed that he emb r ac ed her and tol d her that he l ov ed ev er y par t of her b ody just as i t w as. It w asn’t l ong b ef or e Mar gar et mov ed f r om a ni ghtgow n to a T-shi r t to nak ed w i th the l i ghts of f and, f i nal l y , ev en nak ed dur i ng the day . She now had a mor e appr ec i ati v e r el ati onshi p w i th her b ody , and the end r esul t w as that her mar r i age w as happi er . Har r y w as del i ghted w i th the c hange i n her b ehav i or . “He r eal l y does l ov e me,” she sai d. “A l l of me, no matter w hat I l ook l i k e, no matter w hat I w ei gh.”

REF LECTI ON: How w oul d y ou mak e l ov e di f f er entl y i f y ou c ompl etel y ac c epted and l ov ed y our b ody ?

HABI T 15

Teddy Bear PROMPT: Dur i ng f or epl ay HABI T: A s y ou see and touc h y our par tner , say , “I l ov e y our b ody today , tomor r ow , and thr oughout ti me” or other sw eet, l ov i ng w or ds that demonstr ate y our eter nal c onnec tedness. PURPOSE: Dev el opi ng the hab i t of l etti ng y our spouse k now that y ou ac c ept and l ov e hi s or her b ody i n spi te of i ts c hanges hel ps y our mate f eel c onti nual l y c her i shed. It’s per f ec tl y natur al to w ant to f eel attr ac ted and attr ac ti v e to y our spouse. But y our b odi es ar e al w ay s c hangi ng, and y ou need to c onstantl y i ntr oduc e y our sel f to y our spouse’s b ody . Si nc e i t mi ght b e natur al f or y our mate to f eel sel f c onsc i ous ab out phy si c al c hanges, or ev en emb ar r assed, thr ough thi s hab i t y ou c onsi stentl y c onv ey the message that y ou l ov e her or hi m unc ondi ti onal l y . A s y ou enc our age y our mate to f eel c omf or tab l e i n hi s or her ow n c hangi ng sk i n, y our sex l i f e w i l l i mpr ov e and y our l ev el of i nti mac y and c onnec tedness w i l l gr ow . She w as i n her mi d-thi r ti es, a stunni ngl y b eauti f ul w oman. She sat ac r oss f r om me w i th per f ec t hai r , per f ec t nai l s, and

a per f ec tl y ac c essor i zed outf i t. W i th tear s i n her ey es, she tol d me that she hated her b ody b ec ause she c oul dn’t get i nto her si ze 2 jeans any mor e. Lov el y Laur a had spent thi r teen y ear s of her l i f e as a pr of essi onal model , steeped i n an i ndustr y that pr i zes y outh and b eauty . For mor e than a dec ade, her sel f -w or th had b een measur ed b y her ab i l i ty to l ook sl ender and stunni ng. For the past f i v e y ear s, how ev er , she had tur ned her attenti on to getti ng mar r i ed and hav i ng a b eauti f ul b ab y gi r l . Her si ze 2 jeans w er e a thi ng of the past. “I hav e to f i nd a w ay to l ose w ei ght,” she stutter ed tear f ul l y . “I c an’t ev en get nak ed i n f r ont of my husb and any mor e. I’m sur e he f i nds me di sgusti ng. He mar r i ed a si ze 2.” “A nd he mar r i ed a w oman i n her tw enti es, b ut now y ou’r e i n y our thi r ti es,” I r epl i ed. “Your b ody has c hanged and w i l l k eep c hangi ng. For ty w i l l l ook di f f er ent than today , and f i f ty w i l l l ook ev en mor e di f f er ent. His b ody i s c hangi ng too, y ou k now .” She di dn’t l ook soothed. I c hanged tac ti c s and ask ed, “Di d y ou ev er hav e a teddy b ear or stuf f ed ani mal that y ou r eal l y l ov ed w hen y ou w er e gr ow i ng up?” Sur pr i sed, she thought ab out that and answ er ed, “Of c our se—I had Mr . Ti ppy .” U pon ex ami nati on, I l ear ned that she sti l l had Mr . Ti ppy at the top of her c l oset, though now he w as w or n dow n and mi ssi ng an ey e. “A nd do y ou sti l l l ov e hi m? Is he b eauti f ul to y ou?” I ask ed.

She gr i nned, “It’s the stor y of the V el v eteen Rab b i t, r i ght?” “Ex ac tl y ,” I c onf i r med. Th e Velv eteen Rabbit, w r i tten b y Mar ger y W i l l i ams i n 1 922, w as the stor y of a w or n stuf f ed r ab b i t w ho i s so b el ov ed and w or n out ov er ti me that i n the end he b ec omes “r eal .” Ev en w i th good hab i ts f or heal thy agi ng, y our b ody w i l l sti l l c hange ov er ti me. W i shi ng i t w oul d stay the same i s a f antasy . Get i nto thi s hab i t and b ec ome “r eal ” w i th y our spouse. It i s muc h mor e deepl y sati sf y i ng than f al seness, emb ar r assment, or f ear . REF LECTI ON: Is i t as easy to ac c ept the c hanges i n y our ow n b ody as i t i s to ac c ept y our spouse’s?

HABI T 16

I Witness PROMPT: If y ou f i nd y our sel f i n a heated di sc ussi on (a.k .a., c onf l i c t) and y ou’r e getti ng tr i gger ed, ac ti v ated, and/or ac ti ng i n a b ad w ay (suc h as c ur si ng, name c al l i ng, b l ami ng, c r i ti c i zi ng, or ac ti ng i r r ati onal l y ) HABI T: Tur n y our attenti on to y our b ody and r epor t on w hat y ou’r e ex per i enc i ng. Say out l oud, “I noti c e i n my b ody that … my hear t i s r ac i ng (or my thr oat i s ti ght, or my v oi c e i s getti ng shr i l l ).” Be a w i tness to y our b odi l y sensati ons and shar e them w i th y our par tner . Then star t to

l engthen and deepen y our b r eath. W atc h y our b ody c hangi ng. Say the w or ds, “Br eathi ng i n, I am c al m. Br eathi ng out, I r el ax .” PURPOSE: Inter r upti ng an ar gument to f oc us on y our i nner b ody ’s r esponse i s a pow er f ul tec hni que f or sel f r egul ati on. Dur i ng a heated di sc ussi on y our amy gdal a (the al ar m b el l of y our ner v ous sy stem) i s ac ti v ated. By f oc usi ng on b r eathi ng deepl y , y ou ac ti v ate the par asy mpatheti c ner v ous sy stem, w hi c h c al ms the al ar m r esponse. By l ab el i ng y our b ody r esponses, y ou shi f t y our attenti on f r om the emoti onal to the phy si c al . A s y our par tner w i tnesses y ou doi ng thi s, the steps of y our usual danc e ar e r edi r ec ted. W hen y ou c onsi stentl y use thi s r esponse to an ar gument, y ou w i l l gr adual l y r ew i r e y our b r ai n to b e l ess r eac ti v e, l ess angr y , and mor e peac ef ul . Geor ge and Sal l y w er e di sc ussi ng a poi nt of c ontenti on i n my of f i c e. They w er e pl anni ng to v i si t Sal l y ’s r el ati v es i n upstate N ew Yor k . Ev en though Geor ge had agr eed to go, he w asn’t ex ac tl y l ook i ng f or w ar d to the tr i p—Sal l y w as tak i ng thi s per sonal l y . “I don’t under stand w hy y ou don’t w ant to go. I al w ay s happi l y go to v i si t y our f ol k s, w hi c h i s a l ot mor e out of the w ay ,” Sal l y pr essed. Geor ge r ol l ed hi s ey es. “I’v e al r eady tol d y ou … I don’t l i k e the dr i v e, and I don’t l i k e how y our dad al w ay s dr i nk s too muc h and then c or ner s me to di sc uss pol i ti c s. I sai d I

w oul d go, though, so w hy do y ou hav e to mak e a f eder al c ase ab out thi s? You c an’t mak e me enjoy i t.” Sal l y got tear f ul and sai d i n a l oud v oi c e, “I just w ant a l i ttl e suppor t—i s that too muc h to ask ?” She stood up hasti l y . “You k now w hat? I’m outta her e. I c an’t di sc uss thi s w i th y ou. You’r e nev er on my si de.” She took a step tow ar d the door . “W ai t,” I sai d. “Sal l y , I k now y ou’r e f eel i ng f r ustr ated b ut I’d l i k e y ou to w ai t a mi nute. Thi s i s i mpor tant. Can y ou just say out l oud w hat’s happeni ng i n y our b ody ?” “Huh?” she r esponded. “Star t b y noti c i ng y our hear t r ate … and w her e the tensi on i s i n y our b ody … just say out l oud w hat y ou noti c e i n y our b ody .” Sal l y sl ow l y tol d us that her hear t w as r ac i ng a mi l l i on mi l es an hour . She f el t as i f she had b een k i c k ed i n the gut. Her thr oat w as on f i r e, and she k new she w as tal k i ng l oudl y . “Ex c el l ent,” I enc our aged her . “N ow , i f y ou’l l just si t dow n, l et’s tr y some deep b r eathi ng to get y our hear t r ate dow n.” Sal l y , Geor ge, and I al l i nhal ed to the w or ds, “Br eathi ng i n, I am c al m” and ex hal ed to the w or ds, “Br eathi ng out, I r el ax .” A f ter Sal l y c ool ed dow n, she w as ab l e to tal k f r om the hear t, w i thout def ensi v eness. She ex pl ai ned to Geor ge that she f el t hur t and w anted to f eel hi s suppor t. Geor ge too w as ab l e to hear her v ul ner ab i l i ty . He tol d her that hi s show i ng up w as hi s w ay of l ov i ng and suppor ti ng her .

A sessi on that c oul d hav e ended i n di saster i nstead c ul mi nated w i th a hug, thank s to a l i ttl e b ody -b ased aw ar eness. REF LECTI ON: W hat mi ght y ou di sc ov er i f y ou r emai ned c al m dur i ng one of y our same ol d ar guments?

HABI T 17

Tune Up PROMPT: W hen one of y ou i s ex hausted at the end of a l ong day —or f eel s i l l —and si mpl y doesn’t hav e the ener gy to tal k HABI T: The mor e ener geti c of y ou puts hi s or her hands on the head of the ex hausted one. Put one hand b ehi nd y our par tner ’s sk ul l and one hand on the f or ehead, essenti al l y c r adl i ng hi s or her head b etw een y our hands. Br eathe deepl y as y ou hol d the head f or up to sev er al mi nutes. Let an ener gy c ur r ent f l ow f r om y our hands to y our par tner . You c an do thi s w hi l e she or he i s l y i ng dow n or si tti ng. (If y ou w ant y our par tner to do thi s to y ou, y ou c oul d ask f or a “tune up.”) PURPOSE: A ttunement i s a f or m of r el ax ati on, si mi l ar to r ei k i , i n w hi c h the b ody ’s el ec tr i c al ener gy i s shar ed thr ough the gi v er ’s hands. W i th attunement, y ou ac hi ev e a f eel i ng of b al anc e thr ough mov i ng thi s ener gy i n the b ody ’s endoc r i ne sy stem. Your b ody i s an i ntegr ated el ec tr i c al

sy stem. W hen y ou ar e touc hed b y another , y ou c an l i ter al l y f eel the c onnec ti on. The head i s al so the home of thr ee pr i mar y gl ands (pi neal , hy pothal amus, and pi tui tar y ) and thus i s an i deal ar ea f or r ec ei v i ng el ec tr i c al ener gy . The r el ax i ng, soothi ng, nonv er b al c omf or t of thi s posi ti on i s per f ec t f or the par tner w ho i s si mpl y too ti r ed, or i l l , to speak . Mar l ey l ov ed her job as a hi gh sc hool Engl i sh teac her . In f ac t, i t w as a c ov eted job i n a good sc hool di str i c t. How ev er , Mar l ey ’s per sonal i ty w as natur al l y i ntr ov er ted. She w as soc i al l y adept, b ut she needed qui et ti me to r epl eni sh her sel f . Mar l ey ’s husb and, Br i an, w as an ex tr ov er t, r ef uel ed b y soc i al i nter ac ti on. A l though Mar l ey and Br i an pr of essed to b e happi l y mar r i ed, they di d hav e an ongoi ng c onf l i c t ab out how to spend thei r ev eni ngs together . W hen Br i an c ame home, he w anted to c hat ab out hi s day . Mar l ey w as w or n out f r om i nter ac ti ng w i th the tw enty -f i v e students i n her c l assr oom and the dozens of c ol l eagues at her sc hool . She w anted to c onnec t w i th Br i an, b ut she di dn’t w ant to tal k . I w or k ed to i nsti l l the “Tune U p” hab i t i n Br i an as a w ay of hel pi ng Mar l ey f eel r epl eni shed and to shi f t her depl eted ener gy . Doi ng thi s ex er c i se onc e w oul d f eel ni c e, I ex pl ai ned, b ut doi ng thi s together dai l y w oul d c r eate a shi f t i n thei r i nter ac ti onal patter n. Mar l ey w as touc hed that Br i an spent up to f i v e mi nutes at ni ght hol di ng her head b etw een hi s pal ms and al l ow i ng

her the si l enc e that she c r av ed. It al l ow ed the ev eni ng to pr ogr ess b etw een them w i th mor e under standi ng and c ompassi on. REF LECTI ON: How mi ght the ener gy shi f t b etw een y ou i f y ou w er e w i l l i ng to of f er thi s gi f t of nonv er b al attunement?

HABI T 18

Birthday Suit PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e not f eel i ng the ol d passi on b ut w i sh y ou w er e HABI T: Imagi ne y our spouse … nak ed. Let y our sel f tak e i n the v i sual , tac ti l e, and ar omati c detai l s. Don’t f oc us on onl y the sex ual detai l s, b ut al so appr ec i ate the uni que and attr ac ti v e c har ac ter i sti c s of y our spouse’s b ody . Imagi ne the spec i al detai l s that onl y y ou c oul d k now . PURPOSE: Thi s v i sual i zati on hab i t w i l l sti mul ate b oth y our emoti onal and phy si c al attr ac ti on to y our spouse. How of ten do y ou i ntenti onal l y i magi ne y our spouse nak ed? V i sual i zati on tec hni ques i nv ol v e f oc usi ng y our mi nd on i mages and al l ow i ng y our sel f to b el i ev e that they ar e r eal . Si nc e y our b ody c annot tel l the di f f er enc e b etw een an i mage i n y our head and the r eal thi ng, v i sual i zati on c an

c hange y our emoti onal and phy si c al r eac ti ons to ex ter nal sti mul i . W hen y ou v i sual i ze the attr ac ti v e aspec ts of y our spouse’s nak ed b ody , y ou c an shi f t out of negati v e or r esi stant f eel i ngs that mi ght hav e dev el oped. Hav e y ou ev er b een to a nude b eac h? Dani el and I w ent to a nude b eac h i n souther n Spai n, and I hav e to say that the ex per i enc e w as ex tr emel y ey eopeni ng. N ak ed b odi es w er e her e, ther e, and ev er y w her e: y oung and ol d, thi n and f at, si tti ng and standi ng—nak ed b odi es mov i ng i n al l di r ec ti ons enjoy i ng the sun and the sand. My f i r st r esponse to al l thi s nudi ty w as to av er t my ey es i n emb ar r assment. My sec ond r esponse w as to star e. But af ter a w hi l e I b egan to dev el op a si mpl e appr ec i ati on f or the b eauty of the human b ody . Espec i al l y sw eet w as noti ng Dan’s b ody ami d other nak ed peopl e, k now i ng that usual l y I am the onl y one to see hi m i n hi s b i r thday sui t. The most str i k i ng r esul t of thi s ex per i enc e i s that I c an now easi l y summon an i mage of Dan’s b ody w i th al l i ts detai l s agai nst tur quoi se w ater s and w hi te sand. V i sual i zati on of y our spouse’s b ody c an r ei nv i gor ate f eel i ngs of c onnec ti on, pl ay f ul ness, y outh, i nti mac y , and sensual desi r e. Br i ng to mi nd b oth the sex y and or di nar y detai l s of y our dear one’s phy si c al f or m. REF LECTI ON: W hat mi ght happen i f y ou aw ak en y our sex ual i ty ?

HABI T 19

I Wanna Hold Your Hand PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e w al k i ng w i th y our spouse i n pub l i c HABI T: Hol d hands! PURPOSE: Thi s hab i t may seem l i k e Rel ati onshi p 1 01 adv i c e b ec ause of i ts si mpl i c i ty . How ev er , most c oupl es stop hol di ng hands af ter thei r c our tshi p phase. Hol di ng hands i s an easy hab i t to get i nto and a good w ay to k eep touc h i n y our mar r i age. Char l es and El i zab eth Sc hmi tz, c oauthor s of Building a Lov e Th at Las ts : Th e S ev en S urpris ing S ec rets of S uc c es s ful Marriage, hav e b een c onduc ti ng r esear c h on suc c essf ul c oupl es f or al most thr ee dec ades. They hav e i nter v i ew ed thousands of happy c oupl es on si x c onti nents, and thei r f i ndi ngs ar e r emar k ab l y c onsi stent. One of thei r f i ndi ngs i s that happy c oupl es touc h eac h other f r equentl y . In f ac t, they touc h eac h other w henev er they c an. The message i s, “I l ov e y ou so muc h that I si mpl y c an’t hel p b ut touc h y ou.” W hi l e i t’s heal thy to hol d hands i n pr i v ate, w hen y ou hol d hands i n pub l i c y ou c ommuni c ate a message of mutual c ommi tment. You shar e a si gn to y our sel v es and to the w or l d that y ou ar e spok en f or and that y ou pr otec t thi s r el ati onshi p. Some peopl e pr otest that i t doesn’t f eel natur al to hol d hands or that they di dn’t gr ow up i n a touc hy -f eel y f ami l y or c ul tur e. A l though thi s f eel i ng i s under standab l e, i t’s

i mpor tant to l et go of y our r eser v ati ons. Your b r ai n i s w i r ed to touc h i n w ay s that r el i ev e str ess and c ommuni c ate saf ety and attac hment. Ev en i f i t f eel s aw k w ar d at f i r st, r eac h out and hol d y our spouse’s hand. Jul i anne had tear s i n her ey es. “Last w eek end w e w ent out Chr i stmas shoppi ng and my husb and nev er onc e w al k ed b esi de me,” she sai d. “W as i t too c r ow ded on the str eets?” I ask ed. “N o, he say s that i t’s b ec ause he has l ong l egs and I hav e shor t l egs and so I c an’t k eep up w i th hi m. He’s al w ay s ab out f our steps ahead of me, and I hate i t.” She r eac hed f or my ti ssue b ox b esi de the c ouc h. Jul i anne c ame al one to sessi ons b ut f r equentl y l amented her husb and’s b ehav i or . She w as hopef ul that ev en i f he di dn’t c ome to c ounsel i ng w i th her , she c oul d l ear n some i deas that she c oul d b r i ng to Er i c and i mpr ov e thei r r el ati onshi p. I suggested that the nex t ti me they w ent out together , she r eac h f or hi s hand and ex pl ai n that she r eal l y w ants to hol d hi s hand. “Let hi m k now how i mpor tant i t i s to y ou— and to the r el ati onshi p,” I sai d. The nex t month Jul i anne r epor ted that thi ngs w er e goi ng w el l w i th the handhol di ng “pr ojec t.” She c onf i ded, “A t f i r st I had to pr ac ti c al l y jog to k eep up w i th hi m, b ut now he has sl ow ed hi s pac e. Last w eek end, he ac tual l y r eac hed f or m y hand.” Suc c ess.

REF LECTI ON: Do y ou w ant the w or l d to k now that y ou ar e attac hed to y our mate?

HABI T 20

Footsie PROMPT: Dur i ng a c ommer c i al w hen y ou’r e w atc hi ng tel ev i si on HABI T: Put y our f oot pl ay f ul l y on that of y our par tner . Str ok e her f oot w i th y our s. Mak e ey e c ontac t f or a moment to c onf i r m the c onnec ti on and add a w i nk or gr i n. If y ou’r e c l ose enough, y ou may al so w ant to r ub her f oot w i th y our f i nger s and/or gentl y massage her f eet. PURPOSE: W hen y ou’r e w atc hi ng tel ev i si on together at the end of a day , usual l y y ou ar e ti r ed and need to r el ax . It i s not a ti me to b r i ng up i ntense c onv er sati ons or sc hedul i ng detai l s. But just as y ou c an use the enter tai nment as a means to unw i nd, y ou c an use the c ommer c i al s as a ti me f or nonv er b al c onnec ti on. Footsi e i s a pl ay f ul , f l i r tati ous b ehav i or that engender s a sense of sec r eti v e i nti mac y . U se thi s hab i t to spar k a l ov i ng c onnec ti on w hi l e y ou’r e zoni ng out. Jasmi ne w as c ompl ai ni ng to me ab out her husb and, Spenc er . “He ei ther i gnor es me c ompl etel y or f al l s asl eep w hen I tr y to tal k to hi m at ni ght.”

“He f al l s asl eep i n the mi ddl e of y our c onv er sati on?” I ask ed, c onf used. “W el l , y ou k now ,” she r epl i ed, “He usual l y i s l y i ng dow n on the c ouc h nex t to me at ni ght and I’m tal k i ng to hi m, and the nex t thi ng y ou k now , I hear hi m snor i ng.” I ask ed, “W hat ti me of ni ght ar e y ou tal k i ng ab out?” She sni f f ed, “U sual l y ni ne at ni ght, may b e ten.” “W el l no w onder ,” I tol d her . “You shoul d nev er tr y to hav e c onv er sati ons that l ate at ni ght i f y our husb and i s ti r ed. In f ac t, onc e he hi ts the c ouc h, y ou need to k now that hi s b r ai n i s of f l i ne.” “But I f eel so l onel y w hen w e’r e b oth i n our separ ate w or l ds,” she c ompl ai ned. “W hat c an w e do to f eel c l ose then i f he w on’t ev en tal k to me?” “Is ther e any thi ng y ou used to do w hen y ou w er e dati ng that y ou enjoy ed? Somethi ng that made y ou f eel c l ose, somethi ng si mpl e and nonsex ual , b ut w i thout w or ds?” I c oax ed. She thought ab out that f or a mi nute—and then popped out a sol uti on, “W e used to pl ay f ootsi e. Mostl y i n r estaur ants. I w oul d sl i p my f oot up hi s l eg and no one k new . W e used to get suc h a k i c k out of that.” “Per f ec t,” I sai d. “Tr y i t dur i ng the c ommer c i al s.” The nex t w eek Jasmi ne r epor ted that the si mpl e, pl ay f ul touc h hel ped her f eel b etter as they w atc hed tel ev i si on together . “A nd some ni ghts, he di dn’t ev en f al l asl eep on the c ouc h,” she sai d, gr i nni ng.

REF LECTI ON: If tel ev i si on w er e a ti me of c onnec ti on r ather than i sol ati on, w oul d y ou f eel di f f er entl y ab out i t as a ni ghtti me ac ti v i ty ?

HABI T 21

Coast to Coast PROMPT: W hen y ou see y our l ov er si tti ng i n f r ont of a c omputer (r egar dl ess of w hether she or he i s i nv ol v ed i n b usi ness or l ei sur e pur sui ts) HABI T: W al k past y our spouse f r om b ehi nd and gentl y sw eep y our hand f r om one shoul der , ac r oss her b ac k , to the other shoul der . PURPOSE: Touc h i s a pow er f ul w ay to c ommuni c ate to y our husb and or w i f e that y ou c her i sh hi m or her . W hen y ou use thi s hab i t mi ndf ul l y , y ou i ntenti onal l y c onnec t w i th y our dear one. Si tti ng b y y our sel f at a c omputer i s an i sol ati ng ac ti v i ty that has the potenti al to dr i v e the tw o of y ou apar t and mak e y ou f eel di sc onnec ted. How ev er , w hen y ou dev el op the hab i t of touc hi ng y our mate w hen she’s at the c omputer , y ou r eassur e her of y our pr esenc e and y our c onnec ti on. V er oni c a and Br adl ey had an i nti mate mar r i age. W hen they f i r st c ame to see me, I w as i mpr essed w i th how c l ose they

sat to eac h other on the c ouc h, how they hel d hands, and how they spok e posi ti v el y ab out eac h other . So w hy had they c ome f or c ounsel i ng? Bec ause Br adl ey ’s adul t daughter , Ci ndy , had di ed of c anc er . Br adl ey w as c ompl etel y dev astated b y the l oss and f ound hi msel f w i thdr aw i ng b ehi nd a w al l of si l enc e. V er oni c a and Br adl ey had onl y b een mar r i ed f or f i v e y ear s, a sec ond mar r i age f or b oth of them. V er oni c a hadn’t k now n Ci ndy v er y w el l , though she, of c our se, w as saddened b y the tr agi c death. “I don’t k now how to hel p Br adl ey ,” V er oni c a l amented. “If I b r i ng i t up, he c hanges the topi c . He k now s I w i l l suppor t hi s sadness, b ut he w on’t shar e i t w i th me.” “Peopl e gr i ev e i n di f f er ent w ay s,” I r esponded. I l ook ed at Br adl ey and ask ed, “W hat w oul d y ou l i k e f r om V er oni c a?” He answ er ed sl ow l y , “I just w ant to k now she’s ther e … that’s al l … I r eal l y don’t w ant to tal k ab out my gr i ef . I’m not a v er b al per son and she k now s that.” They w or k ed together f r om home, spendi ng hour s eac h day i n f r ont of thei r c omputer s. I suggested that V er oni c a tr y thi s shoul der sw eep hab i t w henev er she w al k ed b ehi nd Br adl ey , just to l et hi m k now that she w as ther e. Months l ater I got an e-mai l f r om V er oni c a. She tol d me how hel pf ul i t w as f or her to l ear n that her phy si c al pr esenc e w as c omf or ti ng to Br adl ey . She’d gotten i nto the “Coast to Coast” hab i t, used i t f r eel y , and b oth of them l ov ed i t.

REF LECTI ON: How many ti mes do y ou pass y our spouse i n y our house w i thout c onnec ti ng?

PART III Communication-Building Habits W as ther e a ti me w hen y ou f el t y ou c oul d tel l y our par tner any thi ng? He w as so easy to tal k to then … she r eal l y l i stened to y ou and w as c ur i ous. Gener al l y most c oupl es c an r ememb er a ti me w hen they f el t they c oul d c ommuni c ate ef f or tl essl y w i th eac h other . It w as par t of the c hemi str y that c r eated the i ni ti al b ond. But al l too easi l y the sense of mutual di sc ov er y c an gi v e w ay to c ommuni c ati ng ab out b i l l s, k i ds, w or k , pr ojec ts ar ound the house, and ex tended-f ami l y c ommi tments. W hen a c oupl e tel l s me that they c annot c ommuni c ate, usual l y w hat they mean i s that they ar gue f r equentl y , c an’t b e honest w i th eac h other , don’t f eel hear d, and/or don’t f eel v al ued i n the r el ati onshi p. In other w or ds, si mpl e i nter ac ti ons b egi n to l ac k w ar mth, c our tesy , and k i ndness. W hen thi s unheal thy dy nami c c onti nues, v i r tual l y ev er y c onv er sati on b ec omes unsati sf y i ng and so, not sur pr i si ngl y , c oupl es b egi n to spend l ess ti me together . How ev er , i t i s possi b l e to l ear n the sk i l l s to hear and b e hear d onc e agai n. Fur ther , i t’s possi b l e to i ngr ai n these sk i l l s thr ough adopti ng hab i ts of c ommuni c ati on. Hav i ng

l ai d the gr oundw or k of c onnec ti on, al ong w i th b r ushi ng up on a f ew sk i l l s, i t i s possi b l e to w or k together as a c oupl e. Thi s sec ti on of the b ook w i l l hel p y ou b ui l d a patter n of mor e ef f ec ti v e c ommuni c ati on, b oth w hen y ou’r e spendi ng ti me al one together on a date (Chapter 5) and ev en w hen y ou’r e i n the mi dst of a c onf l i c t (Chapter 6).

CHAPTER 5

Shall We Dance? Habits on a Date with Your Mate I sat on the f l oor i n a r oom w i th appr ox i matel y ni ne other w omen. Eac h of us had a smal l b l ank et i n f r ont of us on w hi c h w as posi ti oned a b eauti f ul , heal thy i nf ant. Thi s w as my f i r st of many “Mommy and Me” c l asses. The di sc ussi on l eader opened b y say i ng, “I w ant to tal k ab out y our mar r i ages.” The w omen i n the c i r c l e made a c ol l ec ti v e gr oan. She c onti nued, “I k now y ou may not b e thi nk i ng ab out thi s b ut that l i ttl e b undl e of joy i n f r ont of y ou has one job onl y : to gr ow up and l eav e y ou i n the dust. So k eep y our r el ati onshi p w i th y our husb and v i b r ant. He’s the one w ho w i l l sti l l b e ar ound i n ei ghteen y ear s. Go out on dates !” W hat she mi ght hav e spec i f i ed w as, “Go out on good dates.” Ti me al one together doesn’t automati c al l y r esul t i n r ec onnec ti on and r omanc e. In f ac t, a b ad date (l i k e b ad sex ) c an l eav e y ou f eel i ng l onel i er than ev er . You don’t w ant to b e the c oupl e f i ghti ng ov er l oaded topi c s, i nter ac ti ng as i f y ou’r e at a b usi ness meeti ng, or si tti ng ov er di nner i n aw k w ar d si l enc e. The f ol l ow i ng date hab i ts w i l l hel p y ou r eac h the goal of spec i al , undi v i ded ti me together … ti me that w i l l enhanc e the “us” spac e and r ec har ge y our r el ati onshi p.

HABI T 22

The Dating Game PROMPT: Just b ef or e y ou go on a date’ei ther a date i n y our ow n l i v i ng r oom or a date out on the tow n HABI T: Fi nd a qui et pl ac e, may b e si tti ng on y our b ed. Cl ose y our ey es and spend a f ew moments b r i ngi ng b ac k the f eel i ngs of y our c our tshi p. Tr y to i magi ne a spec i f i c pl ac e and ti me of day w hen y ou w er e together . W hat di d y our b ody f eel l i k e at that moment? Do y ou r ememb er y our thoughts? Summon the sense of ex c i tement, c onf usi on, and anti c i pati on of those ear l y day s. Eac h ti me y ou use thi s hab i t, ei ther r ev i si t the same memor y or thi nk of di f f er ent oc c asi ons. PURPOSE: Fal l i ng i n l ov e i s l i k el y one of l i f e’s gr eatest joy s. The pl easur e c enter s of the b r ai n ar e c onstantl y aw ash w i th f eel -good c hemi c al s suc h as dopami ne and nor epi nephr i ne. Remi ndi ng y our sel f of that ex c i ti ng ti me, usi ng a detai l ed v i sual i zati on to summon the f eel i ng i n y our b ody , hel ps engage y ou i n y our r el ati onshi p and pr omote anti c i pati on b ef or e y our date. W hen y ou spend ti me r ev i v i ng heady f eel i ngs f r om the past, y ou i nf use the pr esent w i th ol d-f ashi oned r omanc e. W hen y ou si phon a b i t of that f al l i ng-i n-l ov e ener gy and i njec t i t i nto y our c onsc i ousness b ef or e a date, y ou f an the f l ames of desi r e.

Samantha tol d me that she and Roger nev er had a c hanc e to go out on dates. They had tw o y oung c hi l dr en and a b i g pr ob l em w i th b ab y si tter s. Ei ther no one w as av ai l ab l e or Samantha and Roger di dn’t f eel that they c oul d spar e the money f or a si tter on top of the ex pense of di nner . I suggested that they put the k i ds dow n b y 8 P.M. and then hav e a pr i v ate di nner b y the f i r epl ac e i n thei r home … just the tw o of them. I i nstr uc ted Samantha to tr eat i t l i k e a “r eal date.” For her , thi s meant c hangi ng out of her sw eatpants and putti ng on jew el r y . “A s y ou’r e getti ng r eady ,” I tol d her , “I w ant y ou to spend a f ew mi nutes w i th y our ey es c l osed i magi ni ng a ti me w hen y ou and Roger w er e f i r st dati ng and f al l i ng i n l ov e.” She agr eed. A t our nex t sessi on, Samantha w as eager to r epor t b ac k on the b i g date. She sai d that i t had b een a huge suc c ess. “It r eal l y hel ped to star t the date w i th that v i sual i zati on,” she sai d. “I pi c tur ed our f i r st k i ss, w hi c h happened to b e on the Four th of Jul y .” She c onti nued w i th a gentl e l augh, “Ther e r eal l y w er e f i r ew or k s! I hav en’t thought of that k i ss i n y ear s’may b e a dec ade!” I smi l ed, “That’s w onder f ul ! How di d the memor y i mpac t the date?” “I w as mor e r el ax ed w hen w e star ted and ab sol utel y deter mi ned that w e needed our ti me together . I w as c l ear w i th the gi r l s that they had to stay i n b ed and r ead unti l they f el l asl eep.”

Samantha added, “I guess r emi ni sc i ng al so put me i n the mood b ec ause I f ound that I just w anted to k i ss Roger f or most of the date!” She b l ushed as she c onti nued, “He sai d w e shoul d hav e a date ev er y w eek .” REF LECTI ON: How w oul d a date w i th y our mate b e di f f er ent i f y ou star ted i t w i th the ey es of someone f al l i ng i n l ov e?

HABI T 23

Better to Give PROMPT: A s y ou of f i c i al l y “b egi n” y our date HABI T: Gi v e y our b el ov ed a c ompl i ment. You c oul d c ompl i ment hi s appear anc e or tel l hi m somethi ng y ou appr ec i ate or admi r e ab out hi m. Tr y say i ng, “One thi ng I deepl y l ov e ab out y ou i s …” or “You l ook ter r i f i c i n that shi r t,” or “I’m so l uc k y to b e goi ng out w i th y ou.” If y ou happen to b e on the r ec ei v i ng end of a c ompl i ment (w hi c h i s someti mes har der than gi v i ng the c ompl i ment), r ather than negate i t or def l ec t i t, gi v e the gi f t of gr ac i ous ac c eptanc e (smi l e and say , “Thank y ou”). PURPOSE: Gener ati ng posi ti v e ener gy w i th a c ompl i ment i s a sound i nv estment i n y our r el ati onshi p. Dr . John Gottman, a l eadi ng r esear c her ab out r el ati onshi p stab i l i ty and author of many b ook s, i nc l udi ng Th e S ev en Princ iples

for Mak ing Marriage Work , studi ed the r ati o of posi ti v e to negati v e c omments i n c oupl es. Happy and stab l e c oupl es hav e a 20:1 r ati o (20 posi ti v e i nter ac ti ons to 1 negati v e i nter ac ti on). These same c oupl es, ev en w hen hav i ng a di sagr eement, sti l l mai ntai ned a 5:1 r ati o. Those w ho sustai ned a l ess posi ti v e r ati o w er e mor e l i k el y to di v or c e. The b ottom l i ne i s that c oupl es w ho ar e s aturated w i th posi ti v e ener gy ar e happi er . Compl i ments ar e a f or m of appr ec i ati on. They l et y our par tner k now that y ou c ar e, that y ou noti c e hi m, that y ou pay attenti on to hi m, and that y ou c her i sh hi m. You c an’t hav e too muc h posi ti v e ener gy i n a happy mar r i age, so gi v e i t f r eel y and the i nv estment w i l l c ome b ac k to y ou tenf ol d. Dani el and I onc e took an onl i ne r el ati onshi p c our se desi gned to enhanc e c onnec ti on and passi on. Par t of the pr ogr am w as a monthl y c al endar w i th dai l y di r ec ti v es. Eac h day y ou w er e supposed to “gi v e” somethi ng to y our par tner : the gi f t of l i steni ng, the gi f t of a c ompl i ment, a w r apped gi f t hi dden f or them to f i nd, the gi f t of a poem, the gi f t of a househol d c hor e done w i thout b ei ng ask ed, etc . U nf or tunatel y , I f ound my sel f mor e pr eoc c upi ed w i th w hat Dani el w as supposed to b e gi v i ng me than w i th w hat I w as supposed to b e gi v i ng hi m. In the ev eni ng, I w oul d c hec k i n w i th Dani el , i nqui r i ng w hether he had done hi s ex er c i se. A f ter sev er al day s of thi s, he gentl y c hasti sed me. “I thi nk y ou’r e mi ssi ng the poi nt,” he sai d. “You’r e supposed to f oc us on y our ow nex er c i ses, on gi v i ng to me … not w or r y i ng ab out w hether y ou’v e gotten any thi ng y et.”

H’m. Oh, y eah. Ouc h. He w as r i ght, of c our se. I had b een so pr eoc c upi ed w i th w hat I w as goi ng to get that I w as onl y c ur sor i l y pay i ng attenti on to w hat I w as supposed to gi v e. A f ter that, I shi f ted my attenti on to w hol ehear ted gi v i ng. I w anted to mak e sur e that Dani el f el t v al ued and appr ec i ated. I l et go of my ow n per spec ti v e and f oc used on hi m. A s i t tur ns out, I f ound that I f el t happi er and mor e at peac e thi s w ay . Per haps i t r eal l y is b etter to gi v e than to r ec ei v e. REF LECTI ON: If y ou stop thi nk i ng ab out w hat y ou c an “get” and star t f oc usi ng on w hat y ou c an “gi v e,” how mi ght the dy nami c b etw een y ou and y our par tner shi f t?

HABI T 24

Song Birds PROMPT: W hen y ou’v e emb ar k ed on y our date HABI T: Li sten to musi c together . Br i ng al ong a f av or i te CD or pl ay l i st and si ng or w hi stl e al ong. PURPOSE: Musi c has an amazi ng ab i l i ty to l i f t y our mood, sti mul ate nostal gi a, and hei ghten emoti on. Let musi c set the tone f or y our date. Per haps y ou w ant to l i sten to tunes f r om w hen y ou f i r st dated … or songs y ou hear d together f r om a par ti c ul ar dec ade. Possi b l y y ou b oth f av or a si nger /c omposer .

Musi c has the pow er to b ond y ou together and mi ngl e y our ener gi es. U se i t to c onsc i ousl y l i f t y our spi r i ts as y ou b egi n y our c el eb r ati on of spendi ng ti me al one together . Dan and I w al k ed al ong the w i de Hi l ton Head b eac h on a Dec emb er mor ni ng, sear c hi ng f or shel l s and w atc hi ng sandpi per s sk i tter i n the sur f . “I really c an’t s tay ,” I c r ooned. “But baby , it’s c old outs ide,” he c ounter ed. “I ’v e got to go aw ay ,” “But baby , it’s c old outs ide …” Passer sb y l ook ed our w ay as w e c onti nued our musi c al c al l and r esponse. W e w er e tr y i ng to memor i ze the l y r i c s to the 1 944 pop standar d b y Fr ank Loesser , a tune or i gi nal l y i ntended to b e a c ol d w eather c l assi c b ut that has mor e r ec entl y b ec ome par t of the Chr i stmas r eper toi r e. W e had v ol unteer ed to si ng i n the Fr i day ni ght tal ent show , a pl ay f ul f eatur e of the b ehav i or al heal th c onf er enc e w her e I had b een pr esenti ng a w or k shop. Dan and I had per f or med i n musi c al theater together , b ut w e’d nev er sung a duet. Suddenl y w e f ound our sel v es si ngi ng on the b eac h, i n the el ev ator , i n the b athr oom, and of c our se, i n the show er . W e had a b l ast w i th thi s par ti c ul ar song. On the ni ght of the b i g ev ent, w e w er e b oth ner v ous. The show w as hosted b y the popul ar sel f -hel p author , Joan Bor y senk o (Minding th e Body , Mending th e Mind). A s eac h per f or mer got up to shar e thei r ac t, Joan ask ed them, “W hat’s y our f av or i te c ol or ?” How ev er , w hen Dan and I

took the stage, Joan si mpl y c ommented on how tal l Dan w as (he i s 6' 5" and gener al l y gets that r esponse f r om peopl e). Then, to my sur pr i se, Dan sai d to Joan, “A r en’t y ou goi ng to ask me w hat my f av or i te c ol or i s?” Somew hat f l uster ed, Joan di d so. “The c ol or of A shl ey ’s sk i n,” Dan r epl i ed. “A w w w w w w w w !” It w as as i f w e’d c ar r i ed a puppy on stage. I b l ushed noti c eab l y and w as so sur pr i sed b y thi s i nti mate c omment that I c oul d b ar el y r ememb er the w or ds to our song. N ow just the f i r st l i ne of “Bab y , It’s Col d Outsi de” b r i ngs a smi l e to our l i ps. W e pi c tur e Hi l ton Head, the b eac h, the stage, the show er (smi l e). Si ngi ng that song agai n together , w e k now w e’r e i n f or a f un ni ght. REF LECTI ON: W hat song i mmedi atel y b r i ngs y our l ov er to mi nd? How do y ou f eel w hen y ou si ng or hum i t?

HABI T 25

Through the Years PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e w ai ti ng f or y our f ood to ar r i v e HABI T: Say , “I hav e a memor y to shar e.” Tak e tur ns shar i ng some happy memor i es f r om the past. Go b ac k i n ti me, y ear b y y ear , and r ec al l a pl easant memor y i n as muc h detai l as y ou c an. If y ou hav e tr oub l e r ememb er i ng spec i f i c y ear s, use pl ac es y ou l i v ed, pl ac es y ou’v e tr av el ed, hol i day s, or

k i ds’ sc hool y ear s as memor y touc hstones. If y ou’v e b een together f or many y ear s, shar e memor i es b y the dec ade. PURPOSE: W hen y ou sy stemati c al l y shar e happy memor i es w i th eac h other , y ou danc e to the pl easant musi c of nostal gi a. You not onl y f i l l y our sel v es w i th the spi r i t and emoti on of w onder f ul ti mes, b ut y ou may al so b e r emi nded of f or gotten ti mes or see them anew thr ough y our spouse’s ey es. Coupl es ther api sts of ten suggest thei r c l i ents go out on a date. Of c our se thi s c an mean di f f er ent thi ngs f or di f f er ent c oupl es’di nner out, a hi k e, a pi c ni c , a c of f ee, a c onc er t, a mov i e, a c omedy c l ub , a w al k i n the w oods. Goi ng out w i th another c oupl e doesn’t c ount. The pur pose i s to b e al one together . W hen I send c oupl es out on a date, I ask them to ob ser v e the “500-y ar d r ul e.” A s soon as y ou get 500 y ar ds f r om y our home, y ou c annot di sc uss the f ol l ow i ng thr ee topi c s: 1 . Fi nanc es 2. Ki ds (i f appl i c ab l e) 3. W or k In answ er to thi s di r ec ti v e, c oupl es usual l y say , “W hat i n the w or l d ar e w e goi ng to tal k ab out?” That’s w hen I suggest a “l i f e r ev i ew .” W hi l e on thei r date, some c oupl es shar e hi ghl i ghts f r om v ac ati ons; other s go thr ough thei r l i v es together sy stemati c al l y , y ear b y y ear , shar i ng thei r f av or i te memor i es.

Pete and N anc y r epor ted b ac k to me that they hadn’t gotten past 1 990 b ec ause they had so muc h f un r ev i ew i ng the ’80s together . Lor r ai ne and A r thur ev en r ememb er ed thei r har d ti mes together , w hi c h made them aw ar e of thei r str ength as a c oupl e. One of the per k s of thi s ex er c i se i s hav i ng the other per son jog y our ow n memor y of how thi ngs unf ol ded. Of ten peopl e w i l l c l ai m, “Oh, y eah’I f or got al l ab out that ex per i enc e.” A l so, tw o peopl e w i l l r ememb er the same ev ent i n sl i ghtl y di f f er ent w ay s b ased on thei r ow n per spec ti v es, per sonal i ti es, and hi stor i es. It c an b r i ng a new under standi ng i nto y our r el ati onshi p to see the past thr ough the ey es of y our mate. W hi l e l i v i ng i n the “now ” c an gener ate peac e and c al m, i r oni c al l y a detour i nto the past c an b r i ng happi ness and i nti mac y r i ght i nto the pr esent moment. REF LECTI ON: W hat memor y of a ti me w i th y our b el ov ed c an y ou hol d dear to y our hear t, a memor y that w i l l al w ay s b r i ng a smi l e to y our f ac e?

HABI T 26

Gone with the Wind PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e on y our date and need a c onv er sati on jump-star ter

HABI T: A sk y our mate, “How do y ou thi nk y ou hav e c hanged ov er the past y ear ?” Then, i f needed, hel p her r ec al l ev ents f r om the past y ear : new job , new home, b i g pr omoti on, c hi l dr en gr ow i ng up, an ac c ompl i shment, a di sappoi ntment, agi ng par ents, an i l l ness or l oss. Be open and c ur i ous to w hatev er c hanges she i s ex per i enc i ng. A l ter natel y , y ou c an use thi s tool to shar e how y ou f eel y ou’v e c hanged i n the past y ear : “I’d l i k e to shar e w i th y ou how I thi nk I’v e c hanged ov er the past y ear .” PURPOSE: Change i s i nev i tab l e w hether w e l i k e i t or not. The per son y ou f el l i n l ov e w i th w i l l c hange. She w i l l get ol der , possi b l y w i ser , and w i l l b e i nf l uenc ed ev en mor e b y her l i f e y et to l i v e. Many c oupl es f i nd that they star t to gr ow apar t as they c hange. To av oi d thi s y ou must f ac e c hange head on. Emb r ac i ng c hange together b y noti c i ng i t and tal k i ng ab out i t b ui l ds i nti mac y . Enc our agi ng y our mate to b e r ef l ec ti v e gi v es her a c hanc e to shape her ex per i enc es i nto w or ds. It hel ps y ou under stand her i nner w or l d. Meanw hi l e, shar i ng ab out y our ow n c hange r ev eal s y our authenti c sel f to y our par tner . Thi s hab i t b ui l ds a b r i dge to eac h other as y ou b ec ome aw ar e of the c hanges i n y our mi dst. My f i r st husb and used to c al l me “Mar i o” f or Mar i o A ndr etti (the f amous r ac e c ar dr i v er of the 1 960s). I w as a f ear l ess and f ast dr i v er . How ev er , ov er the nex t f i v e y ear s I

dev el oped a hi ghw ay -dr i v i ng anx i ety . Suddenl y , I w as the annoy i ng dr i v er goi ng under the speed l i mi t. Dav i d w oul d say to me, “But y ou used to b e Mar i o. W hat happened?” “I c hanged … that’s w hat happened,” I r esponded. “W hat made y ou thi nk that I w oul dn’t c hange?” (I di dn’t poi nt out that he had a l ot l ess hai r on the top of hi s head.) It’s a f unny par adox that, i n a w or l d that w e k now i s c onstantl y c hangi ng, w e somehow thi nk our spouses shoul d b e the ex c epti on. W e ar e sur pr i sed i f she onc e l ov ed shr i mp b ut now c annot stomac h i t. W e ar e shoc k ed that he onc e w as thi n b ut now i s f at. A nd the f ac t that she suddenl y pi c k ed up k ay ak i ng (or dar ts or hunti ng)’y ou di dn’t see that c omi ng, di d y ou? I’m r emi nded of a w onder f ul c oupl es ther api st w ho w hen ask ed, “How c an c oupl es k eep thei r r el ati onshi p f r esh and new on a dai l y b asi s?” answ er ed, “Know that ev er y si ngl e day , y ou’r e mar r i ed to a new per son.” She adv i sed that y ou w ak e up w i th a sense of w onder ab out w ho y ou’r e goi ng to di sc ov er . For b etter or f or w or se, y ou c annot hol d sti l l the sands of ti me. So r ather than r esi st c hange, emb r ac e i t … r i ght i n the mi ddl e of a date ni ght. U se the c onv er sati on to r ef l ec t on the past and the pr esent, hel pi ng y our mate put i nto w or ds the c hanges he or she has b een ex per i enc i ng. You’l l get to r edi sc ov er one another al l ov er agai n. REF LECTI ON: How do y ou r esi st the c hanges i n y our mate? How c oul d y ou c el eb r ate the c hanges i n y our mate?

HABI T 27

Dream On PROMPT: W hi l e l i nger i ng ov er desser t and c of f ee HABI T: A sk , “W hat do y ou dr eam w i l l happen i n the nex t ten y ear s?” Spi n out the tr ajec tor y of how l i f e w i l l b e w hen/i f thi s dr eam oc c ur s. It c oul d b e a r eal possi b i l i ty (suc h as a v ac ati on on the hor i zon, w hen the k i ds ar e gr ow n, w hen y ou r eti r e) or a f antasy (i f y ou ow ned a b oat, i f y ou r an a b ed and b r eak f ast, i f y ou w on the l otter y ). Keep ask i ng questi ons and ex pl or i ng the dr eam. PURPOSE: W hen c oupl es ar e f i r st b l endi ng thei r l i v es together , they tal k f r equentl y ab out thei r hopes f or the f utur e. They f antasi ze ab out w her e they mi ght l i v e, w hether to hav e c hi l dr en, w hat job s they mi ght seek , etc . A nd y et, af ter many of those dr eams b ec ome r eal i ty , they stop sy stemati c al l y dr eami ng together . A s y ou l i sten to y our mate, don’t tak e any thi ng too per sonal l y . Don’t r eac t negati v el y , r ol l i ng y our ey es or gaspi ng i n pani c . Rememb er , thi s i s si mpl y a c onv er sati on ab out w i sh and desi r e. See i t as a w ay to get to k now y our spouse a l i ttl e b etter . Bei ng c ur i ous ab out y our spouse’s i nner w or l d i s an aphr odi si ac . Peopl e f eel attr ac ti v e w hen someone f i nds them i nter esti ng. A l so, i f y ou shar e y our spouse’s dr eam, y ou mi ght f antasi ze together ab out how thi s dr eam mi ght b e possi b l e.

It c an gi v e y ou a r oad map as y ou sol i di f y c ommon v al ues and goal s. How ev er , the poi nt of the hab i t i s to not to c r eate a c onc r ete pl an b ut to hav e f un dr eami ng. Dan and I sat ac r oss f r om our f i nanc i al adv i ser . Thi s goodnatur ed gentl eman spends hi s day s hel pi ng peopl e pl an f or the f utur e r esponsi b l y . A f ter an hour of jumpi ng ten, tw enty , and ev en thi r ty y ear s i nto the f utur e as w e r ef l ec ted on k i d c ol l ege y ear s, r eti r ement, and estate pl anni ng, I f el t ov er w hel med. Russel l l eaned ac r oss the desk tow ar d us c onspi r ator i al l y and sai d, “You k now , I’v e b een i n thi s b usi ness a l ong ti me, and thi ngs al most nev er tur n out ex ac tl y as y ou i magi ne they w i l l .” He c huc k l ed, “In f ac t, the b est par t seems to b e dr eami ng ab out the f utur e. The dr eam i s usual l y b etter than the r eal i ty !” It’s tr ue that w hen many peopl e r eac h thei r l ong-ter m goal s, they ’r e a b i t di sappoi nted. Ir oni c al l y , f antasi zi ng ab out the f utur e may hel p y ou enjoy the moment y ou’r e i n mor e thor oughl y . Dr eami ng together i s an enter tai ni ng ex er c i se i n w hi c h y ou w r i te the sc r i pt and pl ay the l eadi ng r ol es. So spend a l i ttl e ti me r el i shi ng the detai l s of a dr eam i n w hi c h al l c ondi ti ons ar e per f ec t, i n w hi c h ev er y pr ob l em i s ei ther sol v ed or nonex i stent. Imagi ne the pi c ni c on the b eac h w i th no sunb ur n, the tr av el w i th no jetl ag, the v ac ati on home w i th no mai ntenanc e i ssues. Mak e i t f un dr eami ng b ec ause the pr oc ess i tsel f may b e the dr eami est par t.

REF LECTI ON: Do y ou hav e a dr eam y ou’v e nev er shar ed w i th y our par tner ?

HABI T 28

Light Bright PROMPT: W hen y our dear one c omes b ac k f r om goi ng to the r estr oom HABI T: Li ght up w hen y ou see y our l ov ed one. Smi l e, nod, stand up, l i f t y our ey eb r ow s, and/or pul l out her c hai r . Intenti onal l y touc h her ar m or shoul der . For added emphasi s, i nc l ude the w or ds, “W ow , I’m gl ad y ou’r e b ac k ” or “I’m so happy to b e her e w i th y ou.” Look at y our sw eethear t w i th ador ati on on y our f ac e. A f ter al l , thi s i s the one w i th w hom y ou’v e c hosen to spend y our l i f e w i th. PURPOSE: Ev er y one w ants to f eel desi r ed. Your pr esenc e shoul d matter to y our l ov ed one. You w ant to f eel spec i al , c her i shed, ador ed. A l though y ou may b e w i shi ng that y our spouse w oul d mak e y ou f eel thi s w ay , thi s tool i s ab out mak i ng h er f eel that w ay . You c an’t c ontr ol her b ehav i or , b ut y ou c an f oc us on and c ontr ol y our ow n. A c ommon c ompl ai nt f r om unhappi l y c oupl ed peopl e i s that one or the other ’someti mes b oth’f eel s tak en f or gr anted. Be the l i ght that di spel s the dar k ness. Br i ghten up w hen y ou see y our mate, (ev en w i thout w or ds, b ody l anguage and touc h c an i l l umi nate the ni ght), doi ng y our

b est to mak e her f eel spec i al and v al ued. Regar dl ess of her r eac ti on, y ou’l l k now that y ou’r e doi ng ev er y thi ng y ou c an to c r eate a c l i mate of appr ec i ati on. “He got me r oses … f or V al enti ne’s Day ,” she stammer ed i n the sessi on. Tr i x i e w as a f or ty -ei ght-y ear -ol d w oman c omi ng to see me f or depr essi v e sy mptoms. A s w e untangl ed the str ands of her l i f e, i t b ec ame ev i dent to b oth of us that she w as unhappy i n her mar r i age. Her husb and Ed, how ev er , w asn’t w i l l i ng to c ome w i th her to see a “shr i nk .” “That’s w hat c r azy peopl e do,” he sai d. Tr i x i e, how ev er , w as just “c r azy ” enough to c ome see me. “W as that ni c e f or y ou, the r oses?” I i nqui r ed. “I don’t c ar e ab out stupi d f l ow er s,” she sai d. “He gav e them to me and then di dn’t speak to me f or the r est of the ni ght. I’d b e happi er i f he just spent some ti me w i th me … I mean, i f he ac tual l y w anted to spend some ti me w i th me … y ou k now , i f he’d just l i ght up a b i t w hen I c ame i nto the r oom.” A h, l i ghti ng up l i k e a Chr i stmas tr ee at the v er y si ght of y our b el ov ed. It’s so si mpl e b ut so pow er f ul . I w as r emi nded of a ti me w hen I c ame dow n the stai r s one mor ni ng to Dani el ’s b eami ng smi l e (he ty pi c al l y w ak es l ong b ef or e I do). I must hav e b eamed b ac k b ec ause he sai d that I w as l i k e the sun shi ni ng dow n on hi m. W hi l e I may hav e b een hi s sun, i t w as h is f ac e l i ghti ng up w hen he saw me that f i l l ed me w i th w ar mth and l i ght. Thi s sense of w onder doesn’t hav e to go aw ay just b ec ause the honey moon i s ov er .

I ask ed Tr i x i e i f she tol d Ed that s h e w anted to spend ti me w i th h im . I ask ed her i f s h e l i t up w hen h e enter ed a r oom. I suggested she gi v e these thi ngs a tr y . Bec ause humans ar e w i r ed to c onnec t, w e al l w ant the same b asi c thi ngs: to b e appr ec i ated, to k now that w e matter , to b e i nti matel y c onnec ted. So, on a pr i mal l ev el , y our mate w ants the v er y same thi ngs that y ou do. Tr i x i e c ame b ac k the nex t w eek and announc ed that they had gone f or a w al k together on the b eac h. “W e ac tual l y had a good ti me,” she sai d sheepi shl y . “He w ent i n the opposi te di r ec ti on l ook i ng f or shel l s, b ut w hen he c ame b ac k , I ‘l i t up’ w hen I saw hi m. He w as so f l uster ed,” she sai d, “that he ac tual l y l ook ed b ehi nd hi m to see i f someone el se w as ther e.” She l aughed. “I tol d hi m that I w as just ex c i ted to see h im and b e w i th hi m.” She b l ushed. “A c tual l y , the r est of the ni ght w as b etter too.” REF LECTI ON: Do y ou noti c e any shi f ts i n y our par tner ’s demeanor w hen y ou mak e an attempt to mak e hi m/her f eel ex tr a spec i al ?

HABI T 29

New Wiring PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e f eel i ng b or ed w i th the same ol d date r outi ne

HABI T: Intenti onal l y do somethi ng new : Tr y a new r estaur ant; go to a new nei ghb or hood; tr y somethi ng y ou’v e nev er done b ef or e; taste a new f ood; dr i v e a di f f er ent r oute; eat desser t f i r st. PURPOSE: W hen y ou par ti c i pate i n a new ac ti v i ty together , y ou b ui l d f r esh and sti mul ati ng ex per i enc es as a c oupl e. Thi s happens natur al l y w hen y ou’r e on v ac ati on i n a new pl ac e together b ut happens l ess f r equentl y w hen y ou’r e on home tur f . Tr y i ng new thi ngs w i l l l et y ou see y our sel f as w el l as y our par tner i n a new l i ght. N ov el ty i s good f or k eepi ng the b r ai n ac ti v e and f or sti mul ati ng the f eel -good c hemi c al dopami ne. Li k ew i se, nov el ty hel ps k eep our r el ati onshi ps f r esh. Ex per i menti ng w i th somethi ng new shi f ts y ou out of ol d r uts that c an mak e y our r el ati onshi p f eel stal e. If y ou’r e str uggl i ng to thi nk of somethi ng di f f er ent, c hec k the l oc al new spaper f or i deas. Or k eep an ongoi ng l i st of new thi ngs to tr y , w hi c h y ou c an c onsul t w hen i deas ar e r unni ng l ow . N eur opl asti c i ty (the b r ai n’s ab i l i ty to c hange i n r esponse to new b ehav i or s) r esear c h has show n that new ac ti v i ti es c ause new neur al pathw ay s to f or m i n the b r ai n. Ther ef or e a si mpl e c hange of r outi ne w i l l ac tual l y c hange y our b r ai n and sti mul ate y ou out of y our r ut. Ther e’s nothi ng mor e ef f ec ti v e f or shak i ng thi ngs up than tr y i ng somethi ng new ! W hen I suggest to c oupl es that they tr y somethi ng new f or a date, I’m f r equentl y i mpr essed w i th thei r r ange of c r eati v e

i deas. One y oung c oupl e w ent to a seni or c enter to pl ay c ompeti ti v e b i ngo. A nother c oupl e pl ay ed a di nner game, goi ng to one r estaur ant f or appeti zer s, another r estaur ant f or entr ées, and sti l l another r estaur ant f or desser t. So w hen Dan and I w er e pl anni ng one of our monthl y dates, I c ame up w i th the i dea of attendi ng a musi c al my ster y di nner theater . N ei ther of us had any i dea of w hat to ex pec t. W hat w e got w as a ni ght of f ul l -thr ottl e audi enc e par ti c i pati on. W e al so di dn’t ex pec t the r auc ous, adul tsonl y -themed humor thr oughout the ni ght. Staged i n a hi stor i c i nn, the pr oduc ti on r otated the audi enc e i nto f i v e di f f er ent r ooms w her e w e w i tnessed sc enes, gather ed c l ues, and hel ped enac t r i di c ul ous sk etc hes. Our goal w as to hav e f un w hi l e f i gur i ng out “w hoduni t.” A mi d our r otati ng r ooms, w e l aughed w hi l e w omen donned b oas and suggesti v el y l i c k ed popsi c l es. The w omen sang w hi l e men w er e gi v en “mak eov er s” of gr een hai r and b r i ght r ed l i psti c k . Dan and I sat b ac k , enjoy i ng the mer r i ment. That i s, unti l one of the c har ac ter s c or r al l ed Dan at the f r ont of a r oom, put a 40DD b r assi er e ov er hi s shi r t, and sl i d gr andma-si ze si l k panti es ov er hi s l egs. Pl ay i ng v a-v a-v oom str i p tease musi c , they made hi m par ade ar ound our gr oup and str ut hi s stuf f . N ot onl y di d Dani el r i se to the oc c asi on, b ut he had us how l i ng as he sashay ed enthusi asti c al l y up and dow n the ai sl e.

“It’s usual l y the qui et, c onser v ati v e ty pes w ho hav e the most ham i n them,” c onf i ded the ac tr ess w ho c hose hi m. W ho k new ? REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou hav e to l ose b y mak i ng the ex tr a ef f or t to f i nd a new k i nd of date ni ght f or y ou and y our par tner ?

HABI T 30

Choice Cuts PROMPT: W hen y ou get i n the c ar af ter y our date (or w hen y ou use any tr anspor tati on to r etur n home) HABI T: Say to y our b el ov ed, “I c hoose y ou. I’m c ommi tted to y ou.” Seal the deal w i th a jui c y k i ss. PURPOSE: It’s a w onder f ul thi ng to c hoose a l i f e par tner and mak e a c ommi tment to hi m. U sual l y the w eddi ng day or c ommi tment c er emony i s aw ash w i th the joy of y our f r i ends and f ami l y w i tnessi ng and c el eb r ati ng thi s c hoi c e. How ev er , as the y ear s go b y , w e of ten l ose touc h w i th the essenc e and spi r i t of thi s c hoi c e. Hav i ng made that c ommi tment, w e somehow assume that i t w i l l c onti nue al l b y i tsel f . Bef or e y ou k now i t, w e tak e that c hoi c e f or gr anted and stop thi nk i ng ab out i t. W e f or get that ev er y day of f er s a c hoi c e to r emai n c ommi tted.

Letti ng y our mate k now that y ou sti l l c h oos e hi m as a spouse gi v es hi m a sense that he i s i mpor tant, v al ued, and pr i or i ti zed. Sendi ng thi s message on a r egul ar b asi s k eeps the r el ati onshi p heal thy and str ong. The Chr i stmas season w as upon us and I f ound my sel f standi ng at a l ong c hec k out l i ne i n a l oc al b ook stor e. The w oman i n f r ont of me tur ned i n my di r ec ti on and smi l ed. She sai d gl eef ul l y , “Gl ad to see that peopl e ar e sti l l b uy i ng b ook s!” I nodded my head i n qui et af f i r mati on, though I w asn’t i nter ested i n str i k i ng up a c onv er sati on. U ndeter r ed, she v ol unteer ed, “I’m not ev en getti ng a hol i day pr esent. Isn’t that si l l y ? I’m getti ng b ook s f or me and my honey w hen w e go on our v ow r enew al tr i p.” Ok ay , I b i t. “V ow r enew al tr i p?” I ask ed. She tol d me that ev er y y ear , w i thout f ai l , f or the past tw enty -tw o y ear s, she and her husb and r etur ned to Ber muda w her e they w er e mar r i ed. They w ent b ac k to the same b eac h and r enew ed thei r w eddi ng v ow s. A s a c oupl es c ounsel or , I w as i mpr essed. A s a w i f e, I w as amazed. “You nev er mi ss a y ear ?” I ask ed. “N ope,” she sai d. “W e tak e our c ommi tment v er y ser i ousl y .” She paused. “Of c our se, w e’r e getti ng ol der now , and I suppose ev entual l y w e mi ght stop goi ng. But the mai n thi ng i s to r enew our pr i or i ty to eac h other .” She thought f or a moment. “A c tual l y , w e c oul d do that any w her e … b ut then agai n, w hy not go to Ber muda w hi l e w e c an?”

You mi ght not b e ab l e to tak e an annual tr i p, b ut y ou c an b e i ntenti onal ab out af f i r mi ng y our c ommi tment to y our honey . Ev en i f y ou onl y b r i ef l y ac k now l edge that out of al l the peopl e i n the uni v er se, y ou c hoose thi s spec i al one to b e w i th, that’s a pow er f ul r emi nder to b oth of y ou ab out the sanc ti ty of y our r el ati onshi p. REF LECTI ON: W oul d y ou sti l l c hoose thi s spouse i f y ou had i t to do ov er agai n?

HABI T 31

Home Sweet Home PROMPT: W hen y ou pul l i nto the dr i v ew ay (or w al k home) af ter y our date HABI T: Put y our hand ov er y our hear t and say , “I l ov e our home … espec i al l y the _____. A nd I l ov e that w e l i v e her e together .” Fi l l i n the b l ank w i th somethi ng di f f er ent eac h ti me y ou end a date, noti ng a b el ov ed possessi on, r oom, or aspec t of y our home that y ou hav e c r eated together . PURPOSE: Gr ati tude as a r egul ar pr ac ti c e i s a di r ec t r oute to happi ness’i n f ac t, i t shoul d b ec ome a hab i t. The f i el d of posi ti v e psy c hol ogy has made a study of gr ati tude, w i th the r esul ts b ei ng that gr atef ul peopl e hav e hi gher l ev el s of w el l - b ei ng, ar e happi er , ar e mor e sati sf i ed w i th thei r l i v es

and r el ati onshi ps, hav e gr eater r esi l i enc e, and ev en sl eep b etter ! Gr ati tude i s medi c i ne f or the hear t. Ther e i s a c asc adi ng ef f ec t. W hen y ou f oc us on gr ati tude, y our hear t opens, and y ou f i nd ev en mor e f or w hi c h to b e gr atef ul . The w onder f ul new s i s that gr ati tude i s hab i t-f or mi ng. Li k e any other hab i t, i t c an b e l ear ned. So use the pr ompt of r etur ni ng f r om y our date as a c ue to noti c e and f eel gr atef ul . Char ge i t w i th emoti on, hol d i t deepl y , and ex pr ess i t c l ear l y . Foc us y our mi nd on the w onder f ul l i v i ng spac e that y ou’v e c r eated together . Doi ng so w i l l c r eate a pl easant tr ansi ti on f r om the i nti mac y of y our date i nto y our home spac e. Rac hel and Roger r ar el y w ent on dates. If they di d go out f or di nner , they usual l y doub l ed w i th another c oupl e. W i th thr ee y oung c hi l dr en i n the house, they al most nev er spent ti me al one together . Thei r tw el f th w eddi ng anni v er sar y w as c omi ng up and I suggested that they tak e the oppor tuni ty f or a pr i v ate date’no k i ds, no other c oupl es, no ex tended f ami l y ; just the tw o of them. W e w ent ov er some gr ound r ul es ab out w hat to av oi d tal k i ng ab out (k i ds, w or k , f i nanc es) and w hat they mi ght tal k ab out (the hab i ts i n thi s sec ti on). They w er e r eady f or Fr i day ni ght and l ook i ng f or w ar d to a spec i al ev eni ng together .

The nex t w eek , I anti c i pated hear i ng how thei r b i g date had gone. But Rac hel and Roger l ook ed f r ustr ated w hen they w al k ed i n my of f i c e. Roger b l ur ted out, “It w as al l goi ng gr eat. W e w ent to the r estaur ant that she w anted. W e had some w i ne. W e used the ‘Gone w i th the W i nd’ tool and w e had f un w i th ‘Thr ough the Year s.’” “That’s ter r i f i c ,” I i nter jec ted. “A nd then … ?” “W el l , w e w er e just at the entr anc e to the dr i v ew ay ,” Roger c onti nued, “and I thought f or sur e that w e’d b e mak i ng l ov e that ni ght. But suddenl y , she star ted goi ng ov er a to-do l i st … how I needed to go to the dump on Satur day and how I shoul d mow the l aw n and f i x her b i k e. She ev en menti oned putti ng our tax es together . She just thr ew al l these c hor es at me.” Rac hel jumped i n. “I’m sor r y that I made hi m so mad b ut I just star ted thi nk i ng of al l the stuf f that w e needed to do, and I c oul dn’t hel p i t. So he got al l huf f y and w hen w e w ent i n the house, he just w ent to hi s c omputer . That w as that.” Fr om Rac hel and Roger I l ear ned that the end of the date i s al most as c r i ti c al as the date i tsel f . So as y ou r etur n home f r om y our date, f i l l y our w or ds w i th gr ati tude. Ex tend the magi c as l ong as possi b l e. REF LECTI ON: If y our date ended w i th a moment of i ntenti onal gr ati tude, how do y ou thi nk i t w oul d af f ec t the r est of the ev eni ng?

CHAPTER 6

I Second That Emotion: Habits for Couples in Conflict Fr om f i nanc es to par enti ng to sex to c ar eer s to ti me management to c hor es to—y ou name i t, c oupl es w i l l f i ght ab out i t. How ev er , w hen i t c omes to a happy mar r i age, i t’s not so muc h w h at c oupl es ar gue ab out that r eal l y matter s. It’s h ow they ar gue. Based on si mpl e i nter ac ti onal patter ns, Dr . John Gottman, pr eemi nent c oupl es r esear c her , i s ab l e to pr edi c t w i th 97 per c ent ac c ur ac y w hi c h c oupl es w i l l stay together and w hi c h c oupl es w i l l di v or c e (or stay together b ut mi ser ab l y ). How does he do i t? He l ook s f or patter ns c r eated b y w hat he c al l s “the Four Hor semen of the A poc al y pse”: 1 . Criticism (of thei r per sonal i ty or c har ac ter ) 2. Contempt (sar c asm/attac k i ng) 3. Defensiveness (seei ng sel f as al w ay s r i ght and/or the v i c ti m) 4. Stonewalling (emoti onal w i thdr aw al /the si l ent tr eatment) W hen any of the Four Hor semen show up r egul ar l y i n y our r el ati onshi p, they i ndi c ate a b asi c l ac k of r espec t. It doesn’t r eal l y matter w hether y ou’r e di sc ussi ng tak i ng out the gar b age or y our teenager ’s c ur f ew . If y ou attac k y our

spouse w i th c ontempt and c r i ti c i sm, or i f y ou stonew al l and ac t def ensi v el y , y ou ar e er odi ng the l ov e b etw een y ou. How ev er , i f y ou hab i tual l y use anti dotes to the Four Hor semen, y ou c r eate a c l i mate of c ol l ab or ati on. A nti dotes i nc l ude “I” v er sus “You” statements, r esponsi b i l i ty , sel f soothi ng, appr ec i ati on, k i ndness, gener osi ty , and f or gi v eness. Then y our c hal l enges b ec ome a pathw ay f or gr ow th and deeper under standi ng. The f ol l ow i ng hab i ts w i l l hel p y ou c ut thr ough c onf l i c t i n a heal thy w ay . W i th i ntenti on, y ou c an c hange hab i tuated patter ns of negati v e r esponses i nto a new dy nami c .

HABI T 32

Half Full PROMPT: W hen y our b el ov ed does that thi ng that he alw ay s does and has alw ay s done that total l y and c ompl etel y annoy s y ou and may b r i ng up a f eel i ng of ex asper ati on or c ontempt (thi s i nc l udes l eav i ng the toi l et seat up, or dr oppi ng di r ty soc k s on the f l oor ) HABI T: Fi r st r ec ogni ze that thi s i s si mpl y w hat y our par tner does and that y ou may not ev er b e ab l e to c hange hi s b ehav i or . Rather than ex per i enc e y our dar l i ng as a “hal f -empty gl ass,” i mmedi atel y r edi r ec t y our attenti on to the gl ass hal f f ul l b y ask i ng y our sel f , “W hat ar e thr ee

thi ngs that my honey has done f or me/pr ov i ded f or me i n the past w eek ?” Rememb er that no one i s per f ec t. Ev er y one (i nc l udi ng y ou) i s a pac k age deal . PURPOSE: Thi s tool , i nspi r ed b y the Japanese pr ac ti c e of Naik an (tr ansl ated as “i ntr ospec ti on”), i s a str uc tur ed method of sel f -r ef l ec ti on dev el oped b y Yoshi moto Ishi n. It i nc l udes thr ee questi ons desi gned to r estr uc tur e y our thi nk i ng and see mor e c l ear l y the gi v e and tak e i n r el ati onshi ps. The f i r st questi on of the Naik an pr ac ti c e i s “W hat hav e I r ec ei v ed f r om thi s per son?” The questi on c an b e ask ed of any one i n y our l i f e, b ut i t i s espec i al l y pow er f ul w i th a r omanti c par tner . The poi nt i s to c hange y our f oc us b y shi f ti ng y our attenti on f r om y our mate as a pr ob l em to y our mate as a suppor ter . Gr ati tude then star ts to ov er c ome r esentment, mak i ng the gl ass v er y f ul l i ndeed. Dan f r equentl y c annot k eep tr ac k of hi s c el l phone … or hi s sungl asses, or hi s k ey s, or hi s w al l et, or hi s hat. In f ac t, he tempor ar i l y “mi spl ac es” i tems al l the ti me. N ow i t’s tr ue that most of these thi ngs tur n up sooner or l ater , and i t’s al so tr ue that Dan nev er f r ets ab out these l osses. How ev er , I get f r ustr ated b y thi s i nc onv eni ent hab i t. Cl ear l y “hi s” pr ob l em i s r eal l y “my ” pr ob l em—or r ather , how I handl e the si tuati on deter mi nes w hether I hav e a pr ob l em. Fr eak out: I hav e a pr ob l em. A c c ept i t: I don’t. Rec entl y I w as r etur ni ng f r om a w r i ti ng r etr eat, and w e had pl anned f or Dan to pi c k me up at a c er tai n ti me.

How ev er , I w as done an hour ear l i er than ex pec ted, so I c al l ed Dan on hi s c el l phone. N o answ er . H’m, that’s f unny . Wh y is n’t h e ans w ering h is c ell ph one? I w onder ed. I tex ted. N o r esponse. That’s w hen i t hi t me. I k new i t. I just k new i t. He had f or gotten hi s c el l phone. My gut r eac ti on w as one of super annoy anc e, c omb i ned w i th an ov er w hel mi ng desi r e to c hasti se hi m. But of c our se, ther e w as no w ay to r eac h hi m, and I f el t pow er l ess ov er the c i r c umstanc es. How ev er , I w asn’t pow er l ess ov er my r eac ti on. I w anted to f eel ac c epti ng, not upset. I f ound a c hai r , took a deep b r eath, and settl ed i n to c hange my per spec ti v e. I i ntenti onal l y b egan to l i st al l the thi ngs that Dan had done f or me i n the past w eek . He had gener ousl y suppor ted me i n goi ng on thi s r etr eat, he had dr i v en me and w as pl anni ng to pi c k me up, he had put l ov e notes i n my sui tc ase … the l i st w ent on and on. By the ti me he f i nal l y pi c k ed me up, I w as c al m, gr atef ul , and thr i l l ed to see hi m. I k now that Dan w i l l f or get and l ose hi s phone a hundr ed ti mes mor e, b ut he nev er seems to l ose w hat matter s most: hi s l ov e f or me. For that, I c an b e gr atef ul . REF LECTI ON: How do y ou f eel ab out y our si gni f i c ant other w hen y ou hi ghl i ght hi s or her w ondr ous qual i ti es?

HABI T 33

Kiss and Make Up PROMPT: A f ter an ar gument w hen y ou k now that y ou’v e b een c r i ti c al and def ensi v e (sai d unk i nd thi ngs, shouted, sl ammed somethi ng, ac c used, or b l amed) HABI T: A f ter y ou’v e had a c hanc e to c al m dow n, go to y our b el ov ed and say , “I’m sor r y . I c ompl etel y mi ssed the mar k .” Seal the apol ogy w i th a gentl e k i ss. PURPOSE: W hen y ou mess up, the b est c our se of ac ti on i s to apol ogi ze. In gener al , y ou w i l l mak e mi stak es i n y our r el ati onshi p b ec ause y ou ar e an i mper f ec t human b ei ng. W el c ome to human natur e! Comi ng to ac c ept y our sel f as f l aw ed pav es the w ay f or a humb l i ng apol ogy . U se the Japanese phi l osophy of w abi s abi to hav e c ompassi on f or y our sel f . Wabi s abi i s the ab i l i ty to f i nd b eauty i n i mper f ec ti on. Japanese ar ti sts w i l l ev en b ui l d i n i mper f ec ti ons to thei r ar tw or k as a c el eb r ati on of i t. A uthor and r el ati onshi p ex per t A r i el l e For d w r i tes i n Wabi S abi Lov e that w hen y ou b egi n to emb r ac e y our ow n i mper f ec ti ons as w el l as y our par tner ’s i mper f ec ti ons, y ou c r eate the f oundati on f or tr ue happi ness. W hi l e i t tak es c our age to f ac e y our shor tc omi ngs, doi ng so w i l l b ui l d a b r i dge of c onnec ti on b ac k to the other . Say i ng “I’m sor r y ” i s a c l assi c r epai r to a r el ati onshi p r uptur e. It’s not so muc h the r uptur es that mak e or b r eak a r el ati onshi p—b ec ause damage i s i nev i tab l e—i t’s the

qual i ty and c onsi stenc y of r epai r that k eeps a r el ati onshi p heal thy and happy . I hadn’t seen Del i a and Jason i n mor e than si x months. W e had ended our w or k suc c essf ul l y and b oth of them sai d they w er e happi er i n thei r mar r i age. They had al r eady i ntegr ated qui te a f ew happy hab i ts i nto thei r dai l y r outi ne and had “gr aduated” f r om our sessi ons w i th f l y i ng c ol or s. But her e they w er e agai n si tti ng on my c ouc h w i th matc hi ng f r ow ns on thei r f ac es. “Tel l me w hat’s goi ng on,” I sai d. Jason v ol unteer ed, “Ev er y thi ng w as gr eat and suddenl y , ev er si nc e our v ac ati on a month ago … w el l , thi ngs hav e b een ter r i b l e.” “Real l y ,” I r esponded. “W hat happened a month ago?” Del i a jumped i n, “Our b eac h v ac ati on.” A s w e b egan to unc ov er w hat had oc c ur r ed on the v ac ati on, Del i a r ev eal ed that Jason had gotten r i p-r oar i ng dr unk one ni ght, to the poi nt that he passed out on thei r hotel r oom f l oor . Jason had no hi stor y of ex c essi v e dr i nk i ng, b ut Del i a had gr ow n up w i th an al c ohol i c f ather , mak i ng her espec i al l y sensi ti v e to thi s b ehav i or . A f ter that ni ght, Del i a shut dow n emoti onal l y , and nei ther of them had di sc ussed the ev ent agai n. Jason l ook ed dumb f ounded as he l i stened to Del i a’s r endi ti on of hi s dr unk en esc apade. “Th at’s w hy y ou’v e b een angr y f or the past month? W hy di dn’t y ou say somethi ng?”

Del i a c oul d onl y say that al though she had b een tr y i ng to f or get the i nc i dent, she had b een unab l e to do so. So I ask ed hi m, “Di d y ou ev er apol ogi ze to Del i a?” He sheepi shl y shook hi s head. “N o, I w as too emb ar r assed and w as hopi ng i t w oul d b l ow ov er ,” he sai d. I suggested that i t w as b etter l ate than nev er . He tur ned to l ook at Del i a and admi tted that hi s b ehav i or had b een stupi d and unac c eptab l e. He sai d w i th emoti on, “I’m so sor r y that i t happened and I’m so sor r y that I hur t y ou.” Del i a mel ted. A hear tf el t apol ogy w i th a k i ss w as al l the ther apy they needed. REF LECTI ON: A r e ther e thi ngs i n y our r el ati onshi p that y ou need to apol ogi ze f or ?

HABI T 34

Let Freedom Ring PROMPT: W hen y ou c an’t seem to l et go of a gr i ev anc e … w hen y ou’r e hol di ng on to a gr udge f r om the past HABI T: Spend some ti me b r eathi ng. A s y ou b r eathe i n, say sof tl y , “I f eel b etter .” Br eathi ng out, say , “w hen I l et go.” A s y ou ex hal e, l et y our b ody r el ax . Rememb er that y ou hol d the k ey to y our l i b er ati on f r om mi ser y w hen y ou c hoose to l et go of r esentment.

PURPOSE: Ther e i s a c ost to hol di ng on to an i njur y : You c r eate y our ongoi ng di str ess. Cl i ngi ng to a w ound and b l ami ng the other per son i s l i k e hol di ng on to a hot c oal w i th the i ntenti on of hur l i ng i t at y our adv er sar y … or l i k e i ngesti ng poi son and ex pec ti ng the one y ou’r e mad at to di e. Meanw hi l e, y ou’re the one i n tr oub l e. The w ay to f i nd r el i ef i s to f or gi v e, l et go, and mov e on. Hol di ng on i s l ook i ng b ac k w ar d. Letti ng go i s mov i ng f or w ar d. For gi v eness i s of ten mi sunder stood. It doesn’t mean c ondoni ng w hatev er b ad b ehav i or oc c ur r ed i n the past. It si mpl y means ac c epti ng that i t i s ov er and done and then dec i di ng to c ut the str i ng of attac hment to the of f endi ng memor y . For gi v eness i s not f or the b enef i t of the other per son. It i s a c hoi c e of l i b er ati on f or y ou and y our ow n peac e of mi nd. On one of the most gl or i ous summer day s that N ew Engl and had to of f er , Dani el and I set of f to the b eac h f or a r omanti c pi c ni c . A gai nst the b ac k dr op of sev er al w eek s of heal th c hal l enges, f i nanc i al c onc er ns, and str ess at home, w e w er e pr epar ed to thr ow our c ar es i nto the oc ean and enjoy a b eauti f ul ev eni ng together . That w as the i ntenti on, at l east. A s w e got on the hi ghw ay , I saw Dan w as dr i v i ng c l ose to ei ghty mi l es an hour . “Can’t y ou sl ow dow n?” I ask ed. He sl ow ed to sev enty -f i v e. A f ter a f ew mi nutes, I nagged agai n. “W hy ar e y ou suc h a l ead f oot toni ght? W e’r e not ev en i n a hur r y .” (Inter esti ngl y , I hav e hear d many c oupl es f i ghti ng ov er thi s same si tuati on.)

Dan tr i ed to c hange the sub jec t, b ut I f el t the need to c ompl ai n y et agai n. “W hy c an’t y ou just sl ow dow n?” A nd at pr ec i sel y that moment, that hear t-stoppi ng i mage appear ed b ehi nd us: a state tr ooper w i th b l i nk i ng l i ghts. It’s possi b l e to r ec ei v e a speedi ng ti c k et, shr ug y our shoul der s, and dec i de not to l et i t r ui n y our ev eni ng. That w as Dan’s r esponse. How ev er , i t’s al so possi b l e to go b er ser k and spend the nex t hour i n a tantr um. That, unf or tunatel y , w as mi ne. Yes, upon r eac hi ng the b eac h and poppi ng the b ottl e of w i ne, I w ent i nto a ti r ade that b r ok e ev er y “r ul e” of f ai r f i ghti ng. I am emb ar r assed to admi t that I name c al l ed, I b r ought up ol d gr i ev anc es, I c atastr ophi zed, I stonew al l ed (gav e Dan the si l ent tr eatment), and I c r i ti c i zed. Basi c al l y , al though I w anted to b el i ev e that Dan r ui ned our ev eni ng b y getti ng a speedi ng ti c k et, I k new that I w as r ui ni ng i t b y r eac ti ng b adl y . A f ter a w hi l e I star ted to w al k al ong the b eac h, b r eathi ng and tr y i ng to c al m my sel f . I thought of the many stor i es I hav e hear d f r om c l i ents w ho hol d on to gr i ev anc es f r om months, y ear s, and dec ades past. I thought of the ongoi ng tor ment I hav e w i tnessed i n peopl e w ho ar e hel d hostage b y thei r gr udges. But I al so k new that ev en i f I had a l egi ti mate r eason to b e annoy ed, the onl y w ay f or me to f i nd f r eedom w as to l ook ahead r ather than b ehi nd. I had to l et go. A nd so, f or the sak e of my ow n w el l -b ei ng, I di d.

I’m happy to r epor t that the r est of the ev eni ng took us i n a muc h b etter di r ec ti on. REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou hav e to l ose b y l etti ng go? W hat do y ou hav e to gai n?

HABI T 35

Through Your Eyes Only PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e hav i ng a di sagr eement, espec i al l y i f y ou ar e stuc k on pr ov i ng y our posi ti on and def endi ng y our sel f HABI T: Say “Let’s Sw i tc h” and then say out l oud how y our mate i s v i ew i ng the si tuati on. In other w or ds, speak f r om hi s per spec ti v e as i f y ou w er e seei ng thr ough hi s ey es (say , “I am ‘Bi l l ’ and thi s i s how I see i t …” or “I am ‘Ji l l ’ and thi s i s my r eal i ty …”). Bef or e y ou speak , spend a moment w i th y our ey es c l osed, b r eathi ng deepl y , and thi nk i ng ab out w hat l i f e must l ook l i k e thr ough the l ens of y our mate’s hi stor y , hi s per sonal i ty , hi s ex per i enc e. Onc e y our par tner adopts thi s hab i t, y ou c an ask hi m to speak f r om y our per spec ti v e. PURPOSE: Most peopl e, w hen they ar e hav i ng a di sagr eement w i th thei r spouse, onl y c ar e ab out thei r ow n per spec ti v e. Both w ant to mak e thei r poi nt, pr ov e that they ar e r i ght, and sol i di f y thei r posi ti ons, b ut nei ther i s empathi c to the par tner ’s poi nt of v i ew .

How ev er , empathy i s a pow er f ul c omponent of y our i nnate emoti onal i ntel l i genc e. W hen y ou dev el op the c apac i ty to put y our sel f i n the pl ac e of y our l ov ed one, y ou i nc r ease y our ab i l i ty to appr ec i ate hi s or her posi ti on. You get to k now , and ther ef or e r ec ogni ze her desi r es and needs. You natur al l y c ome to under stand her b etter . Seei ng l i f e f r om y our par tner ’s per spec ti v e al so hel ps y ou gener ate the hi ghest f or m of l ov e: w hat the Gr eek s c al l ed agape or “sel f l ess” l ov e. In thi s f or m of l ov e y ou si nc er el y c ar e ab out meeti ng y our mate’s needs and not just ab out meeti ng y our ow n. I w as l i steni ng to a medi tati on CD b i l l ed as a tool f or i nc r easi ng empathy f or y our par tner . The man’s soothi ng v oi c e ask ed me to i magi ne my par tner standi ng b ef or e me. I i magi ned Dani el i n our b ac k y ar d w i th me i n f r ont of hi m. The v oi c e gui de ask ed me to gaze at my par tner , l ook i ng i nto hi s ey es. “Imagi ne,” he sai d, “w hat i t must hav e b een l i k e f or thi s per son to b e a c hi l d of f i v e y ear s ol d. W her e di d he l i v e? W hat sor ts of thi ngs di d she do? … N ow i magi ne y our par tner at the age of f i f teen, a teenager . W hat w as hi s l i f e l i k e? W hat c hal l enges di d she hav e?” I tr i ed my b est to i magi ne Dan’s l i f e as a c hi l d, as a teenager . A nd i ndeed, I di d f eel empathy w el l i ng up i n my c hest. “N ow thi nk ab out some of the str uggl es that he c ur r entl y f ac es f r om ti me to ti me. Thi nk ab out how the past i mpac ts hi m now .” I f el t i mmer sed i n Dan’s psy c he, hi s hi stor y , hi s r eal i ty .

Then, qui te unex pec tedl y , the qui et medi tati v e v oi c e ask ed me to “jump i nto y our par tner ’s b ody and see thr ough hi s ey es.” W hoa. I di d not see that di r ec ti v e c omi ng. A w k w ar dl y , I di d my b est to i magi ne w hat i t w oul d b e l i k e to see thr ough the ey es of a 6' 5", 220-pound mal e b ody . A c tual l y , i t w as sur pr i si ngl y easy . I c oul d see w hat he mi ght see and f eel w hat he mi ght f eel . I gai ned a new under standi ng of some of hi s r equests, suc h as hi s desi r e to go to a f ami l y par ty w hen I had other pl ans, or hi s ur ge to go on al l -mal e summer c ampi ng tr i ps. W hen I “c ame b ac k ” i nto my sel f , I had a w hol e new appr ec i ati on f or w hat i t w as l i k e to b e Dan nav i gati ng hi s w or l d. REF LECTI ON: Thr ough y our spouse’s ey es, how does he or she v i ew y ou?

HABI T 36

For Whom the Bell Tolls PROMPT: Bef or e y ou b egi n to di sc uss f i nanc es PROP: A b el l , a si ngi ng b ow l , or a c hi me. HABI T: Si t together w i th a b el l and r i ng i t thr ee ti mes. Cl ose y our ey es and l i sten to the tone. Let the sound w ash ov er and ar ound y ou. Li sten to eac h r i ng unti l the

v i b r ati ons sl ow l y di ssi pate i nto the ai r . A f ter the thi r d r i ng, open y our ey es and say , “W e’r e i n thi s together .” PURPOSE: For many peopl e, money i s a l oaded sub jec t. In f ac t, i t’s the numb er one i ssue that c oupl es ar gue ab out (f ol l ow ed b y sex and par enti ng). Money b r i ngs up i ssues of f ear v er sus tr ust, sc ar c i ty v er sus ab undanc e, and i nsec ur i ty v er sus sec ur i ty . How ev er , i n an i nti mate r el ati onshi p, w hat’s ev en mor e i mpor tant than the c ontent i s the pr oc ess. In other w or ds, i t’s not so i mpor tant w h at y ou ar e di sc ussi ng as h ow y ou ar e di sc ussi ng i t. A r e y ou tal k i ng ab out a sub jec t openl y and thoughtf ul l y , c r eati ng a sense of emoti onal saf ety f or eac h other ? Or ar e y ou di sc ussi ng the sub jec t w i th hosti l i ty and r eac ti v i ty ? Thi s hab i t i s steeped i n the tr adi ti on of mi ndf ul ness, the pr ac ti c e of nonjudgmental aw ar eness. Thi s means b ei ng f oc used and attenti v e b ut i n a w ay that i s ac c epti ng of w hatev er ar i ses. A s the b el l r i ngs and y ou f oc us on the tone, y ou ex per i enc e pr esenc e and ac c eptanc e, w i thout k neejer k r esponses. If y ou f i nd that the di sc ussi on i s getti ng tense, y ou c an ask to r i ng the b el l agai n as a w ay to settl e b oth of y ou and r ef oc us on the goal of teamw or k . A l so, i t hel ps to si t nex t to eac h other as y ou’r e di sc ussi ng y our f i nanc es and to oc c asi onal l y touc h eac h other ’s hands or ar ms to hel p k eep the c onti nui ty of c l oseness. By r emi ndi ng y our sel v es that y ou’r e on the same team, y ou attune to eac h other b ef or e and dur i ng a potenti al l y

c hal l engi ng di sc ussi on. Thi s c l i mate of c onnec ti on, c omb i ned w i th mi ndf ul attenti on, sets the stage f or a r i c h c onv er sati on. Mar k and Mi c hel l e w er e r eady f or the sessi on to b egi n. Thei r ar guments ab out money had dr i v en them i nto mar r i age c ounsel i ng. I star ted the sessi on as I al w ay s do: “Let’s b egi n w i th the b el l .” W e c l osed our ey es, and I w ent i nto my usual monol ogue, i nstr uc ti ng them to f oc us on thei r b r eath and l et thei r b odi es r el ax . Then I sai d, “W hen y ou hear the sound of the b el l , f oc us on the tone. Let the sound w ash ov er y ou and tak e y ou i nsi de to a pl ac e under neath c i r c umstanc e, a pl ac e of sti l l ness and peac e. Br eathe i n the b el l .” My c l i ents ar e used to thi s mi ndf ul ness r i tual . A s w e l i sten to the sound unti l i t i s gone, w e not onl y r el ax b ut w e b ec ome mutual l y pr esent and together . The w hol e pr ac ti c e tak es ar ound si x ty sec onds. Mar k si ghed, “I l ov e the b el l . I f eel so c al m w hen I hear that b el l .” A s our sessi on pr ogr essed, the di sc ussi on of f i nanc es b egan to get tense. Mi c hel l e, agi tated, snapped, “Mr . Sav e-Itf or -Reti r ement doesn’t w ant us to spend money on any thi ng f un. W ho k now s i f w e’l l ev en l i v e unti l w e r eti r e. I w ant to l i v e now and enjoy the money w hi l e w e hav e i t.” Mar k r ol l ed hi s ey es and sai d, “W i th that atti tude, w e’l l b e desti tute i n f i v e y ear s. It’s just pl ai n i r r esponsi b l e to spend our sav i ngs.”

“Ok ay ,” I i nter jec ted. “I thi nk thi s i s a per f ec t ti me to c ome b ac k to the b el l . Rememb er that y ou ar e i n thi s together . Thi nk c al m. Thi nk c ompr omi se.” I r ang the b el l thr ee ti mes. A s w e opened our ey es, I c oul d tel l that thei r ener gy had pal pab l y shi f ted. The tensi on b etw een them had dr i f ted aw ay on the c r est of the sound w av es. Mi c hel l e sai d sof tl y , “Mar k i e, honey , I k now that w e need to sav e f or the f utur e. But w e need to hav e a l i ttl e f un too. Don’t y ou thi nk w e c an f i nd a b al anc e?” Mar k smi l ed. “I’l l tel l y ou w hat, w e’r e gonna b uy a b el l l i k e that f or us and use i t ev er y ti me w e tal k ab out money .” W e al l l aughed. REF LECTI ON: How w oul d y our r el ati onshi p i mpr ov e i f y ou c oul d hav e c al m di sc ussi ons ab out y our f i nanc es?

HABI T 37

Peekaboo PROMPT: W hen y ou noti c e y our spouse star ti ng to b l ame, c r i ti c i ze, c ompl ai n, or other w i se attac k y ou HABI T: A sk y our sel f , “I w onder w hat’s r eal l y goi ng on under neath?” Tak e a f ew mi nutes to b r eathe deepl y and r ec ogni ze that y our spouse f eel s ei ther unl ov ed or unsuppor ted and doesn’t k now how to get that message ac r oss ef f ec ti v el y . Instead of r eac ti ng to the negati v i ty ,

di f f use i t b y tender l y say i ng somethi ng al ong the l i nes of “I w ant y ou to k now that my i ntenti on i s al w ay s to l ov e y ou and to suppor t our l i f e together .” Conv er sel y , i f y ou f i nd that y ou ar e the one b l ami ng, c r i ti c i zi ng, or c ompl ai ni ng, l ook w i thi n f or w hat i s r eal l y goi ng on under neath y our attac k . You c an l ead f r om y our v ul ner ab i l i ty and say , “W hat I r eal l y need to k now i s that y ou l ov e me and suppor t our l i f e together .” PURPOSE: Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tigh t: S ev en Conv ers ations for a Lifetim e of Lov e and the f ounder of a hi ghl y ef f ec ti v e c oupl es ther apy templ ate (Emoti onal l y Foc used Ther apy , or EFT) ex pl ai ns that y our deepest human need i s to f eel sec ur el y attac hed i n y our pr i mar y r el ati onshi p. W hen y ou f eel a thr eat to thi s attac hment, y ou ex per i enc e an i nv ol untar y and usual l y unc onsc i ous pani c , w hi c h of ten r esul ts i n an unsav or y pr otest or tantr um. These pr otest b ehav i or s of c ompl ai nt, b l ame, and demand ar e a sor t of pr i mal r esponse to emoti onal star v ati on. U nf or tunatel y , these tox i c r esponses tend to el i c i t the v er y thi ng y ou f ear (mor e di stanc e). How ev er , as EFT teac hes, w hen y ou l ear n to under stand the deeper need b eneath the b ehav i or (b oth w i thi n y our sel f and w i thi n y our par tner ), y ou’r e ab l e to r espond w i th tender ness and emoti onal r esonanc e. Mar i ssa had a k nac k f or getti ng ex ac tl y the opposi te of w hat she r eal l y w anted f r om her husb and Joe. She

c onstantl y c ompl ai ned, c r i ti c i zed, and b l amed hi m. These w er e her c ommon r ef r ai ns: “You alw ay s w ork late. You nev er c om e h om e in tim e for dinner w ith th e fam ily .” W hat she r eal l y meant under neath i s, “I mi ss y ou, and I f eel l i k e the c hi l dr en and I don’t matter to y ou.” But that’s not w hat Joe hear d. A l l that f i l l ed hi s ear s w as the naggi ng v oi c e. Hi s r esponse? He f el t attac k ed, and he ther ef or e shut dow n. He f el t that he di dn’t ev en par ti c ul ar l y w ant to c ome home ear l y , ev en w hen he c oul d. “Wh y don’t y ou ev er h elp around th e h ous e? I ’v e as k ed y ou th ree tim es already to tak e out th e garbage. You’re s o laz y .” Joe’s r esponse? He f el t nagged and humi l i ated. He shut dow n ev en f ur ther . Mar i ssa’s under l y i ng message w asn’t r eac hi ng hi m: “I f eel al l al one and af r ai d, and I need to k now that y ou suppor t thi s l i f e w i th me.” “You nev er w ant to h av e s ex any m ore. You don’t ev en c om e to bed w ith m e. I t’s s o s tupid to alw ay s fall as leep in front of th e telev is ion.” Hi s r esponse? He stay ed aw ay and pushed her sti l l f ur ther f r om hi m. (W oul d y ou w ant to go to b ed w i th her ?) W hat she r eal l y meant under neath w as, “I am so l onel y . I need to k now that y ou desi r e me as I desi r e y ou. I w ant to f eel spec i al to y ou.” How i r oni c that Mar i ssa and Joe b asi c al l y w anted the same thi ng: to f eel suppor ted, appr ec i ated, and nur tur ed. How ev er , w hen Mar i ssa r eac ted to her sense of separ ati on anx i ety w i th ty pi c al “pr otest b ehav i or s,” she ended up

c r eati ng the v er y thi ng she f ear ed most (hav i ng Joe b ec ome ev en m ore di stant). In my w or k w i th Mar i ssa and Joe, I w anted to c r eate a saf e env i r onment i n w hi c h b oth of them c oul d under stand thei r gr eater desi r e to b e c l ose to eac h other . I hel ped Mar i ssa ex pr ess her needs di r ec tl y , and I hel ped Joe under stand her needs ev en w hen she c oul dn’t c ommuni c ate them c l ear l y . W hen Joe r eal i zed that Mar i ssa’s deepest l ongi ng w as to k now that she w as i mpor tant to hi m, he w as ab l e to assur e her of that thr ough w or d and ac ti on. A nd w hen Mar i ssa r eal i zed that Joe di d suppor t her and the f ami l y w i th hi s l ov e, she w as ab l e to appr ec i ate hi m and l i sten f or hi s needs as w el l . REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou hav e to gai n b y hear i ng y our spouse’s tr ue desi r e under neath hi s or her pr otest b ehav i or s?

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Terms of Agreement PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e stuc k i n a di sagr eement w i th y our b el ov ed HABI T: Change the patter n of c onf l i c t b y say i ng the w or ds, “Yes,” or “I c an see that,” or “I agr ee,” or “May b e, l et’s see.” A b ov e al l , stop b ei ng def ensi v e!

PURPOSE: The ego al w ay s w ants to b e “r i ght.” How ev er , w hen y ou c hr oni c al l y di sagr ee or i nsi stentl y dr i v e y our poi nt home, y ou c r eate negati v e ener gy . In ar guments, y ou may noti c e y our sel f say i ng “But …” ov er and ov er . Per haps y ou r ec ogni ze that y ou’r e stuc k b ehi nd the need to b e r i ght. How ev er , w hen y ou di f f use the negati v e ener gy b y of f er i ng agr eement, y ou mov e i n a new di r ec ti on. It i s v i r tual l y i mpossi b l e to ar gue w i th someone w ho si mpl y w i l l not ar gue b ac k . A nd onc e y ou of f er a spi r i t of possi b i l i ty , c r eati v e sol uti ons al most al w ay s pr esent themsel v es. Bi l l Fer guson, author of How to Heal a Painful Relations h ip, say s, “You c an b e r i ght or y ou c an hav e l ov e b ut y ou w i l l nev er hav e them b oth.” He c l ai ms that b ei ng r i ght destr oy s l ov e b ec ause i t puts the other i n the “w r ong” c ategor y and sti mul ates r esentment. Thi s hab i t i s i nspi r ed b y the Japanese mar ti al ar t of ai k i do. A i k i do i s ab out r edi r ec ti ng the f or c e of the attac k r ather than opposi ng i t head on. In ai k i do, y ou use the attac k er ’s momentum to tur n hi s mov ement i n a new di r ec ti on. Thi s hab i t i sn’t ab out b ei ng a door mat and al w ay s say i ng y es. Instead, i t i nv i tes y ou to ex ami ne w hether y ou hav e the hab i t of c hr oni c r esi stanc e—i n other w or ds, i t enc our ages y ou to b r eak a bad hab i t. Lear ni ng to c hange y our patter n of c onf l i c t w i th a f ew si mpl e w or ds w i l l l ead to happi ness.

Sam and Ser ena sat w i th thei r ey es c l osed. W e w er e engagi ng i n an ex er c i se used b y Dani el Si egel , the author of Minds igh t: Th e New S c ienc e of Pers onal Trans form ation. A s per my i nstr uc ti on, Sam tur ned hi s b ody tow ar d Ser ena and sai d the w or d, “N o” out l oud. Then he r epeated the w or d “no” f i v e mor e ti mes, sl ow l y , b ut w i th i nc r easi ng i ntensi ty and tone. Then, i n c onc l usi on, he gentl y of f er ed the w or d, “Yes.” A s they opened thei r ey es, I ask ed Ser ena to r ef l ec t on how i t f el t to hear and r ec ei v e the w or ds. She sai d, “The ‘no’s’ f el t har sh, tense, al most sc ar y . I c oul d f eel my hear t star t to b eat a l i ttl e f aster w hen Sam got l ouder .” “A nd how w as the ‘y es’ w or d f or y ou?” I pr ompted. “Total l y di f f er ent. Muc h sof ter , c al mer ,” Ser ena r epl i ed. W hat w as tr ue f or Sam and Ser ena i s tr ue i n a di sc ussi on b etw een y ou and y our spouse. The w or d “no,” w hi c h most of us of f er w i thout ev en thi nk i ng tw i c e, c onnotes str ong negati v i ty . W hi l e ther e may b e oc c asi ons w her e a “no” i s w ar r anted, i t i s most of ten a k nee-jer k r eac ti on that deser v es ex ami nati on. Ser ena had a hi stor y of say i ng no to Sam, of r esi sti ng hi s agenda and pushi ng her ow n. If he w anted to go out to di nner , w atc h a spor ti ng ev ent, l eav e hi s c oat on the c ouc h, r ead l ate to the k i ds—Ser ena’s r esponse w as al w ay s “N o, no, no.” Her r ul es and ex pec tati ons w er e r i gi d, and she w as unaw ar e of how muc h tensi on i t w as c ausi ng i n thei r mar r i age.

A f ter a month of agr eei ng to say , “Yes” as of ten as she c oul d, Ser ena r epor ted that she and Sam w er e getti ng al ong f amousl y . Ser ena r epor ted, “I just say to my sel f , So w hat? Does i t r eal l y matter ? and then I say , Yes, sur e.” Li f e i s too shor t to al w ay s b e on the def ensi v e. REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou r eal l y gai n b y the need to al w ay s b e r i ght?

HABI T 39

Cushion PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e goi ng to k now i ngl y di sappoi nt y our b el ov ed HABI T: Sof ten the b l ow w i th a “c ushi on.” Lead y our di sappoi nti ng new s w i th “I’m so sor r y , b ut …” or “I’m so di sappoi nted and I k now y ou w i l l b e too, b ut …” Let y our par tner k now that y ou r ec ogni ze hi s f eel i ngs and/or w i sh i t c oul d b e other w i se. If y ou teac h thi s hab i t to y our spouse, y ou c an ask f or some c ushi on i f he’s di sappoi nti ng y ou i n a w ay that f eel s i nsensi ti v e. PURPOSE: W hen y ou c ouc h potenti al l y di sappoi nti ng new s i n a w ay that i ndi c ates that y ou under stand and honor y our spouse’s f eel i ngs, y ou sof ten the b l ow . You hi ghl i ght

the i mpor tanc e of y our r el ati onshi p i n the f ac e of i mper f ec t c i r c umstanc es. Di sappoi ntment i s pal atab l e i f i t i s w r apped i n r egr et and empathy . How ev er , w hen di sappoi ntment i s doused w i th di si nter est, enti tl ement, and/or nonc hal anc e, i t i s espec i al l y i njur i ous. Dev el opi ng the c ushi on hab i t l ets y our spouse k now that he matter s to y ou—al w ay s. “A l l she sai d w as, ‘They c al l ed another meeti ng. I w on’t b e home unti l l ate. Don’t w ai t up f or me.’ A nd that’s i t. So muc h f or f ami l y di nner ni ght,” Sam sai d. Sam and Gi l l i an had a nontr adi ti onal ar r angement. Gi l l i an w as the pr i mar y b r eadw i nner and Sam w as the stay -at-home dad. He r el i shed hi s r ol e and l ov ed b ei ng a “domesti c engi neer ” (as he c al l ed i t). How ev er , Sam of ten f el t i gnor ed and mar gi nal i zed b y Gi l l i an. A f ter thr ee k i ds and f i f teen y ear s of mar r i age, he f el t as i f she took hi m f or gr anted. She of ten had to stay l ate at w or k and ev en go on b usi ness tr i ps at the l ast mi nute. Gi l l i an di dn’t par ti c ul ar l y l i k e hav i ng to w or k so har d, b ut her c ar eer of f er ed a hi gh sal ar y . A f ter she and Sam had thei r f i r st c hi l d, they b oth agr eed that i t made sense f or her to pur sue her l uc r ati v e c ar eer i n sal es. He w as happy to tak e c ar e of the home f r ont. Gi l l i an di dn’t mean to b e unk i nd w hen she ar r i v ed home l ate ni ght af ter ni ght, b ut she w as usual l y so str essed that she di dn’t c onsi der the i mpac t of her unex pec ted ab senc es on Sam. She sai d, “Does he honestl y thi nk I enjoy

w or k i ng l ate? I hate i t … espec i al l y i f Sam i s goi ng to pout w hen I get home. I’d r ather he just go to sl eep w i thout me.” I ask ed Gi l l i an to tr y usi ng the c ushi on hab i t the nex t ti me she enc ounter ed an unex pec ted sc hedul e c hange. I suggested that she r eac h out to Sam and ac k now l edge how upsetti ng i t must b e f or hi m. She w as w i l l i ng (ev en though she thought that Sam shoul d b e mor e empathi c to her ). A s i t tur ns out, w hen Gi l l i an sof tened her appr oac h to Sam, he di d the same. A s Gi l l i an ex pl ai ned how di sappoi nted she w as w hen her b oss ask ed her to f i ni sh a r epor t, and how she w anted mor e than any thi ng to b e home w i th Sam, Sam “hear d” her . He hear d that she w as di sappoi nted too. Instead of puni shi ng her w i th a c ol d di nner , as he mi ght hav e i n the past, he w ai ted up and pr epar ed her somethi ng f r esh and w ar m to eat. They w ent to b ed together , r ec ogni zi ng that they b oth w anted to f eel c l ose and c onnec ted i n spi te of the c i r c umstanc es. REF LECTI ON: N oti c e how w hen y ou tak e y our l ov er ’s f eel i ngs i nto ac c ount, he tends to b ec ome mor e r ec epti v e and open to y ou.

HABI T 40

Zip It

PROMPT: W hen y ou f eel the f i r st f l ush of anger and r eal i ze that y ou’r e ab out to “l ose i t” HABI T: Zi p y our l i ps, mental l y c ount to ten, and then thi nk of tw o di f f er ent w ay s y ou c oul d r espond: w i th anger or w i th k i ndness. Ev en i f y our par tner i s b ei ng unr easonab l e or i s i ntenti onal l y tr y i ng to hook y ou, c hoose k i ndness. PURPOSE: It’s easy to stay w i th y our ol d hab i t of b ei ng r eac ti v e. That r esponse has b ec ome automati c , as i f y our spouse i s deter mi ni ng y our b ehav i or . If y ou sl ow that pr oc ess dow n b y pausi ng just as y ou f eel y our anger r i si ng, y ou w i l l noti c e that ther e’s al w ay s an ev er -so-sl i ght gap b etw een the sti mul us (w hat y our spouse has sai d or done) and y our r esponse. In that gap, y ou c an mak e a c hoi c e. Spouses w ho adopt thi s hab i t l ear n to ex pand the gap. You c an hol d open that sl i ght spac e i n w hi c h y ou c an mak e a c hoi c e ab out y our r eac ti on. In thi s gap l i es the pow er b etw een the hi gh r oad and the l ow r oad, b etw een hab i tual c onf l i c t and a happy mar r i age. Rosemar y had b een w or k i ng w i th me f or ab out si x months. She w as par ti c ul ar l y c onc er ned ab out the w ay s i n w hi c h her husb and, Randy , pushed her emoti onal b uttons. He had a w ay of b l ami ng her f or thi ngs that w ent w r ong i n hi s ow n l i f e, and i t dr ov e her c r azy . She al w ay s r esponded w i th anger .

Rosemar y tr i ed har d to b e ther e f or her husb and b ut i t al w ay s seemed to b ac k f i r e on her . She pac k ed hi s b ags f or b usi ness tr i ps, b ut then he b l amed her i f he di dn’t hav e somethi ng he needed. She hel ped hi m k eep tr ac k of hi s w al l et, k ey s, and hat, b ut i f they w er e mi spl ac ed, he w as angr y w i th her . A s par t of her ther apy , she spok e to hi m ab out gi v i ng hi m f ul l r esponsi b i l i ty f or these per sonal aspec ts of hi s l i f e. He agr eed w hol ehear tedl y and c l ai med he’d w anted mor e i ndependenc e al l al ong. How ev er , the f i r st ti me he l ost hi s k ey s he i mmedi atel y mar c hed up to her and sai d, “W hat hav e y ou done w i th my k ey s?” Rosemar y f el t her f ac e f l ush i n anger and k new that w as the c ue to zi p i t. She c ounted to ten and then i magi ned say i ng ei ther , “You’r e an i r r esponsi b l e i di ot! Fi gur e i t out,” or “It must b e f r ustr ati ng to not b e ab l e to f i nd them. W her e’s the l ast pl ac e y ou had them?” In the f i r st opti on, she’d b e b el i ttl i ng hi m; i n the sec ond, she’d b e suppor ti v e. She c hose the sec ond c our se. Ov er ti me, Randy b ec ame l ess ac c usator y and mor e sel f r el i ant, a muc h heal thi er path f or thei r i nter per sonal dy nami c . Ov er ti me, they b oth l ear ned the v al ue of zi ppi ng i t l ong enough to tak e the hi gh r oad. REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou gi v e up b y not b ei ng r eac ti v e? W hat do y ou gai n?

HABI T 41

Teamwork PROMPT: A f ter y ou hav e had an ar gument, and onc e y ou hav e c al med dow n. W hen i t’s ti me to “k i ss and mak e up” HABI T: U se a sec r et si gn b etw een the tw o of y ou that sy mb ol i zes, “W e’r e a team. W e’r e i n thi s together . W e l ov e eac h other .” PURPOSE: The hab i t of r epai r i s v i tal f or mi ni mi zi ng l ongter m r el ati onshi p deter i or ati on. If y ou get i nto the hab i t of mak i ng sur e that ev er y al ter c ati on ends w i th a sense of together ness, y our mar r i age w i l l stay str ong. A l though how y ou handl e a c onf l i c t matter s (usi ng “I” statements r ather than “y ou” statements, and usi ng r espec t r ather than name c al l i ng), how y ou end the c onf l i c t i s equal l y i mpor tant. Fi x i ng the c onnec ti on af ter y ou hav e c r eated a f eel i ng of di stanc e i s essenti al f or c r eati ng a happy mar r i age. The use of a sec r et sy mb ol i s an i nti mate w ay to r ec onnec t af ter di sc or d or di sappoi ntment. A s a hab i t, i t r emi nds y ou that y ou ar e l ov i ng teammates and that y our sense of c onnec ti on i s mor e i mpor tant than the sub jec t of y our di sagr eement. Thi s hab i t i s qui te pow er f ul . Onc e y ou’v e thor oughl y i ntegr ated i t i nto y our b ehav i or , y ou’l l f i nd that y ou use i t f r equentl y , b oth as a post-ar gument r epai r and as a w ay of str engtheni ng y our sense of uni ty .

I enc our age ev er y c oupl e i n my pr ac ti c e to c r eate thei r ow n pr i v ate, i nti mate teammate gestur e. It mi ght b e a sec r et handshak e, a danc e step, or a ser i es of touc hes. I’v e b een qui te i mpr essed b y the ar r ay of c r eati v e si gns I’v e seen. W hi l e usi ng y our teammate sy mb ol i s a w el c ome hab i t f or any oc c asi on, i t’s espec i al l y v i tal af ter an ar gument to hel p y ou r ec al i b r ate. Br i an and A l ex i s had made qui te a b i t of pr ogr ess i n l ear ni ng how to f i ght f ai r . That sai d, they sti l l f ought ab out w hat w as b est f or thei r f our -y ear -ol d daughter , Reb ec c a. A l ex i s, a stay -at-home mom, had v er y par ti c ul ar i deas ab out how Reb ec c a shoul d b e r ai sed. She had a har d ti me l etti ng Br i an do thi ngs hi s w ay . Br i an had gi v en A l ex i s a “day of f ,” to spend w i th a gi r l f r i end at a spa. A l ex i s had l ef t Br i an w i th a sc hedul e detai l i ng w hat Reb ec c a shoul d eat, w hen she shoul d nap, and w hat v i deos w er e appr opr i ate f or her to w atc h. How ev er , w hen A l ex i s c ame home she f l i pped. Reb ec c a hadn’t napped, had eaten junk f ood, and had w atc hed a f ootb al l game w i th dad. A s she r ec ounted that day i n the sessi on, her v oi c e got l ouder . “W hy c oul dn’t he just do ev er y thi ng as I ask ed?” She w as si l ent, and then she got tear y -ey ed. “W hy am I the onl y gr ow nup i n the house?” Br i an l ook ed shoc k ed and opened hi s mouth to speak , b ut I i nter v ened. “A l ex i s, do y ou b el i ev e that Br i an l ov es hi s daughter ?” “Oh, I k now that he does, b ut …”

“A nd do y ou thi nk Reb ec c a w i l l b enef i t f r om hav i ng a str ong r el ati onshi p w i th her daddy ?” I c onti nued. A l ex i s nodded. I c onti nued, “You c an b e a si ngl e par ent mak i ng al l the dec i si ons on y our ow n, or y ou c an par ent w i th Br i an and l ear n f r om eac h other .” A l ex i s tur ned to Br i an, “I k now I get c r azy c ontr ol l i ng. I do w ant to par ent w i th y ou.” Br i an spontaneousl y r eac hed hi s r i ght hand f or her l ef t el b ow . She r esponded b y pl ac i ng her l ef t hand on hi s r i ght el b ow . Thi s pr etzel -ar med gestur e, I k new , w as thei r “teammate” si gn. “W e’r e i n thi s together ,” Br i an sai d. “Don’t f or get i t.” REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou gai n b y hol di ng on to r esentment? W hat do y ou gai n b y l etti ng i t go?

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Code Red PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e out of c ontr ol w i th y our emoti ons HABI T: Tak e a f i v e- to f i f teen-mi nute ti me out. Say , “I need a ti me out,” or si mpl y say “Code Red.” Then go i nto another r oom to c al m y our sel f dow n. Begi n b y c ounti ng ten ex hal ati ons; mak e them l ong and l ow i n y our b ody . Pur se y our l i ps as i f y ou’r e b l ow i ng ai r thr ough a str aw . N ex t ei ther spl ash c ol d w ater on y our f ac e, nec k , and w r i sts, or

c ount b ac k w ar ds f r om 1 00 b y thr ees (1 00, 97 , 94, 91 , 88 …). Fi nal l y , w hen y ou f eel mor e i n c ontr ol , r etur n to y our par tner and say , “I’m r eady to tr y agai n.” W hen y ou see that y our par tner i s out of c ontr ol , suggest, “I thi nk w e b oth need a ti me out.” Bef or e goi ng i nto another r oom, ex pl ai n that y ou w i l l r etur n i n f i f teen mi nutes b ut that i t i sn’t pr oduc ti v e to k eep the c onv er sati on goi ng under pr esent c ondi ti ons. Tr y i ng to c onv er se w i th someone w ho i s out of c ontr ol i s l i k e tr y i ng to tal k w i th an ex tr emel y dr unk per son. It doesn’t w or k . PURPOSE: W hen y ou get ov er -the-top upset, y ou ar e i n w hat I c al l “c ode r ed.” Your b ody i s f l ooded b y adr enal i n and c or ti sol . The el ec tr i c al si gnal s f r om y our l i mb i c sy stem (the emoti onal par t of the b r ai n) tr ansmi t tw o ti mes f aster than the el ec tr i c al si gnal s f r om the neoc or tex (the r easoni ng par t of the b r ai n). That means that y ou c annot thi nk c l ear l y b ec ause y our b ody has k i c k ed i nto the “f i ght/f l i ght or f r eeze” r esponse. Tak i ng a ti me out, muc h as gi v i ng one to a c hi l d w ho i s hav i ng a tantr um, i s a w ay to c ontai n y our sel f unti l the stor m passes. A ser i es of deep and l ong ex hal ati ons i s one of the qui c k est and most ef f ec ti v e w ay s to sti mul ate the par asy mpatheti c ner v ous sy stem (the c al mi ng mec hani sm i n the b ody ). Spl ashi ng c ol d w ater on y our f ac e i s a w ay to c ool dow n the b ody , and c ounti ng b ac k w ar ds hel ps r edi r ec t the r eac ti v e mi nd. Both hel p y ou sel f -r egul ate (c al m y our sel f dow n). Onc e y ou’v e r eac hed a “c ode gr een,” y ou’r e r eady to tr y agai n.

Jenni f er and Gr ant w er e a v ol ati l e c oupl e. They f r equentl y had dr amati c shouti ng matc hes, w hi c h of ten r esul ted i n tear s, sl ammed door s, and oc c asi onal l y shatter ed di shes. They w er e empty nester s now , and Jenni f er w as thr eateni ng to l eav e Gr ant i f he c oul dn’t get hi s anger under c ontr ol . To addr ess thi s pr ob l em, I had taught them a sy stem of al ar m i denti f i c ati on. If they w er e b oth i n a r easonab l y c al m state (c ode gr een), they c oul d pr oc eed w i th any di sc ussi on. How ev er , i f they saw si gns of c ode r ed (shouti ng, sc r eami ng, sl ammi ng, sob b i ng), they needed to ab or t the di sc ussi on and tak e a ti me out. Most peopl e al so hav e a “c ode y el l ow ,” (w ar ni ng, danger ), b ut Jenni f er and Gr ant tended to esc al ate to c ode r ed i n a hear tb eat. They c ame i nto the sessi on and Jenni f er sai d, “I’m r eal l y at the end of my r ope. W e had a gigantic f i ght l ast Satur day . It ex pl oded. Gr ant got dr unk —he smashed a v ase— and I near l y c al l ed the c ops. I just don’t see how w e c an go on.” Gr ant hung hi s head. “I agr ee that y ou shoul dn’t c onti nue to hav e these sc enes,” I sai d. “Let’s b ac k i t up. Tel l me how i t star ted.” Jenni f er sai d they ’d b een ar gui ng ov er w hether to gi v e thei r gr ow n daughter some money f or a dow n pay ment on a c ar . A s thei r di sagr eement pr ogr essed, Gr ant tol d Jenni f er that she w as i r r esponsi b l e w i th money , and then he b egan dow ni ng shots of tequi l a. “So w hat di d y ou do?” I ask ed Jenni f er .

“I tol d hi m that he w as a dr unk , a l ousy dad, and a c heapsk ate,” she sai d. “So y ou w al k ed r i ght i nto the stor m, huh?” I r epl i ed. (Thi s w as shor tl y af ter Hur r i c ane Sandy b ar r el ed up the easter n U ni ted States l eav i ng dev astati on i n i ts w ak e.) I ex pl ai ned to Jenni f er that w henev er she engaged i n Gr ant’s stor ms, r ather than ev ac uati ng (tak i ng a ti me out), she i nv i ted sev er e damage to her sel f , to hi m, and to thei r mar r i age. I ex pl ai ned to them ab out the c ode r ed hab i t and suggested they w or k on adopti ng i t. I don’t k now i f Jenni f er and Gr ant w i l l b e ab l e to dev el op the hab i t of stoppi ng a stor m i n i ts tr ac k s, b ut I do k now that the ab i l i ty to ev ac uate, c al m dow n, and star t ov er i s v i tal f or the heal th of thei r r el ati onshi p. REF LECTI ON: It tak es tw o peopl e to w hi p up the c ondi ti ons f or a tr eac her ous stor m. Do y ou r ec ei v e any b enef i t f r om the dr ama? A r e y ou w i l l i ng to end the esc al ati on?

HABI T 43

Take Two PROMPT: A f ter an ar gument, pr ef er ab l y tw enty -f our hour s af ter the c onf l i c t HABI T: Si t dow n together and set a ti mer f or ten mi nutes. Spend up to (b ut no l onger than) ten mi nutes r ev i ew i ng

y our r ec ent ar gument. A nal y ze y our ow n b ehav i or b y stati ng at l east tw o w ay s that y ou c oul d hav e handl ed the si tuati on di f f er entl y . Say , “I di d thi s, b ut I c oul d hav e done that” or “I sai d that, b ut I c oul d hav e sai d thi s.” Tr y to b e ob jec ti v e, as i f y ou’r e c r i ti qui ng a mov i e sc ene. Thi s c onv er sati on i s not ab out r ehashi ng the topi c , sol v i ng the pr ob l em, or di sc ussi ng y our f eel i ngs. The pur pose i s to dec onstr uc t the patter n that oc c ur s b etw een y ou and deter mi ne how y ou c ontr i b ute to that patter n (r egar dl ess of the topi c ). Di ssec t the i nter ac ti on; def i ne the poi nt at w hi c h thi ngs esc al ated, and note w her e y ou b egan to ac t i n a w ay that w as r eac ti v e or w hen y ou b egan to shut dow n. W hen the ten mi nutes ar e up, end w i th a “Thank y ou f or l ook i ng at thi s w i th me.” PURPOSE: You may noti c e that y ou and y our mate get i nto the same ar gument ov er and ov er agai n. You c oul d pr ob ab l y just pl ay a tape r ec or der of the same ol d f i ght w i th the same ol d w or ds that y ou’v e b een say i ng f or y ear s. Thi s hab i t i nser ts per spec ti v e i nto the c y c l e, c r eati ng the oppor tuni ty to dev el op a heal thi er patter n. Li k e a per f or manc e r ev i ew i n w hi c h y ou assess y our w or k and c r eate new goal s f or y our sel f , thi s hab i t i nv i tes y ou to r ev i ew y our ac ti ons and l ear n f r om y our mi stak es. It i s pur posel y l i mi ted to ten mi nutes so the c onv er sati on w on’t go on endl essl y or spi r al i nto another v er si on of the pr ev i ous ar gument. A f ter a c onf l i c t, y ou mi ght b e tempted to nev er menti on that angr y moment agai n. You may w i sh to sw eep i t

under the c ar pet and i gnor e i ts i mpac t. How ev er , b y doi ng so, y ou onl y r ei nf or c e i ts negati v e i nf l uenc e i n y our mar r i age. W hen y ou mak e i t a hab i t to r ev i ew y our ow n par ti c i pati on i n an ar gument and see w her e y ou mi ght hav e b ehav ed di f f er entl y , y ou i nc r ease the odds of b r eak i ng the c y c l e of r epeti ti v e, unpr oduc ti v e c onf l i c ts. W hi l e i t may b e tempti ng to poi nt out how y our par tner b ehav ed b adl y , k eep the f oc us on y our sel f . Rememb er that y ou c an’t c ontr ol or c hange y our spouse’s ac ti ons or i nsi ghts. You c an onl y w or k to i mpr ov e y our ow n b ehav i or s. A l though Har r i son and Cai tl i n w er e deepl y i n l ov e, they f ound themsel v es r ev er ti ng to i mmatur e, hur tf ul b ehav i or s w i th eac h other . Eac h of them w as gui l ty of name c al l i ng, y el l i ng, and ev en thr ow i ng pi l l ow s at eac h other . A l though they w er e b oth hi ghl y educ ated, they f r equentl y ac ted l i k e toddl er s. They c ame to see me b ec ause they w anted to star t a f ami l y b ut w er e af r ai d to b r i ng a c hi l d i nto a v ol ati l e mar r i age. N ot sur pr i si ngl y , Har r i son f el t that Cai tl i n needed to get a handl e on her anger , w hi l e Cai tl i n f el t that Har r i son’s i mmatur i ty w as the c or e pr ob l em. In tr uth, the dy nami c of thei r r el ati onshi p w as the c ul pr i t. One w eek they c ame to see me, and Har r i son announc ed that he had b een sl eepi ng i n the guest b edr oom f or the past thr ee ni ghts. “W hat happened?” I ask ed.

Har r i son announc ed dr amati c al l y , “Cai tl i n i nsul ted me w hen I w as l ate to the r estaur ant—she l aunc hed i nto an attac k , ac tual l y , and I r ef use to sl eep i n the same b ed w i th her unti l she apol ogi zes to me.” It’s of ten the c ase that y ou f eel y ou ar e ow ed an apol ogy —and per haps y ou ar e. How ev er , y ou c annot m ak e y our spouse apol ogi ze to y ou. Bl ac k mai l or emoti onal ex tor ti on i s not the answ er . In sessi on, w e untangl ed the f eel i ngs at the hear t of thi s ar gument. Cai tl i n had f el t ab andoned w hen Har r i son w as l ate. Rather than v oi c e her pai n, she had l ashed out. He r eac ted to her i nsul ts b y shutti ng dow n. By tal k i ng ab out the ar gument, r ather than the sour c e of c onf l i c t, i n just a f ew mi nutes Cai tl i n and Har r i son w er e ab l e to ow n thei r per sonal par ti c i pati on i n the squab b l e and see how they c oul d hav e handl ed thi ngs di f f er entl y . Happi l y they b egan sl eepi ng i n the same b ed together that ni ght. REF LECTI ON: W hat happens to y our mar r i age w hen y ou star t f oc usi ng on how to i mpr ov e y our ow n ac ti ons, r ather than f oc usi ng on w hat y ou thi nk y our spouse shoul d do?

PART IV Intimacy-Building Habits You may thi nk of i nti mac y as a sy nony m f or sex , and to the degr ee that sex i nv ol v es b ei ng nak ed, y es, sex has an i nti mate c omponent. How ev er , ev er y one k now s that y ou c an hav e sex w i th someone (phy si c al c onnec ti on) and not b e par ti c ul ar l y i nti mate (emoti onal c onnec ti on). Li k ew i se, y ou c an b e qui te i nti mate w i th a f r i end b ut not b e hav i ng sex w i th hi m or her . Ther e ar e al l k i nds of i nti mac i es i n l i f e, b ut her e w e mean i nti mac y as a mutual unv ei l i ng w i th a par tner . The w or d “i nti mac y ,” f r om the Lati n r oot intim us , means “i nner most.” Inti mac y w i th y our spouse i s a deep, openhear ted c onnec ti on i n w hi c h y ou shar e y our i nner most sel f . Cr eati ng i nti mac y i n y our mar r i age di ssol v es the emoti onal , spi r i tual , phy si c al , and sex ual b oundar i es that k eep y ou f eel i ng l onel y and di sc onnec ted. Tr ue i nti mac y w i l l c r eate a new di mensi on i n y our mar r i age. By c hoosi ng to shar e eac h of y our sel v es authenti c al l y and openhear tedl y , y ou c r eate an env i r onment f or r i c h gr ow th and sub l i me l ov e. Rememb er that i nti mac y i s a pr i v ate af f ai r b etw een the tw o of y ou. In a happy mar r i age, i nti mac y i s somethi ng that y ou shar e ex c l usi v el y w i th y our spouse. To the degr ee

that y ou ar e thi s i nti mate w i th any one el se—par ti c ul ar l y someone el se of the opposi te gender —y ou r i sk c r eati ng an “i nti mac y l eak ” i n y our mar r i age. Bei ng unusual l y c l ose to someone other than y our spouse w i l l b egi n to def l ate the b al l oon of y our mar r i age. So pr otec t the i nti mac y y ou hav e w i th y our spouse. Keep i t ex c l usi v e, v i b r ant, and f r esh. Choosi ng to k now and deepl y ac c ept another i s an ac t of gener osi ty . The gr eat Jew i sh phi l osopher Mar ti n Bub er w r ote, “The gr eatest thi ng one c an do f or another i s to c onf i r m w hat i s deepest i n another .” Thi s i s the sor t of mutual i nti mac y f or w hi c h y ou shoul d str i v e. Thi s i s the i nti mac y that y our mar r i age deser v es. In thi s sec ti on of the b ook , y ou w i l l di sc ov er hab i ts that w i l l hel p y ou shar e and r ec ei v e eac h other sensual l y (Chapter 7 ), openhear tedl y (Chapter 8), and spi r i tual l y (Chapter 9).

CHAPTER 7

Sensory Spotlight: Habits for a Sensual Boost “I just don’t k now w hat to do to f eel c l ose to her ,” sai d Jar ed. “W e don’t r eal l y hav e that many i nter ests i n c ommon. I l i k e to gol f and she l i k es to b e at the b ar n w i th her hor ses.” I l i stened and c ommented, “Per haps i t’s mor e ab out being than ab out doi ng. You need to f i nd w ay s to si mpl y be together .” Jar ed ex pr essed a senti ment that I hear ov er and ov er agai n. Coupl es may l ov e eac h other , b ut they don’t seem to k now w hat to do w i th eac h other . You and y our spouse may hav e gotten so w r apped up i n the di str ac ti ons of l i f e that i t’s har d to i magi ne b ei ng c l ose unl ess y ou’v e got an agenda. Or may b e y ou’v e b oth c hanged ov er ti me and the thi ngs that w er e f un i n the past (l i k e goi ng to c l ub s or b ar s) no l onger hav e the same appeal . The f i v e senses (si ght, sound, smel l , taste, and touc h) ac t as a templ ate f or ex pl or i ng the ar t of si mpl y b ei ng together : no goal s and no agenda other than f eel i ng c l ose and c onnec ted. Your mar r i age, unl i k e any other r el ati onshi p i n y our l i f e, has the potenti al to b r i ng y ou the w i dest v ar i ety of sensual l y c har ged ex per i enc es, f r om si mpl e touc hes, squeezes and hugs, sni f f s and sounds, to hi ghl y er oti c ac ts of b ondi ng.

You and y our spouse c an use the f ol l ow i ng hab i ts to stok e the f i r es of passi on and i gni te a sensati onal w or dl ess c ommuni c ati on of together ness and l ov e.

HABI T 44

Face It PROMPT: If y ou’r e i n b ed, di str ac ted f r om eac h other b y a tel ev i si on or l aptop HABI T: Stop w hat y ou’r e doi ng and of f er a f ac e massage to y our b el ov ed. Rub her f or ehead, c heek s, nose, and c hi n. Massage her f ac e, ear s, and head tender l y and gentl y . Read her f ac e as i f y ou ar e r eadi ng Br ai l l e. U se y our hand to gentl y str ok e her f ac e, al most as i f y our hand i s a pai ntb r ush, and y ou’r e pai nti ng on her f ac e. PURPOSE: The hab i t of i nti mate touc hi ng b ui l ds i nti mac y . W hen y ou engage i n the l ov i ng pow er of touc h, y ou mak e a c onnec ti on. The f ac e i s an espec i al l y v ul ner ab l e and tender par t of the b ody . Stan Tatk i n, c oauthor of Lov e and War in I ntim ate Relations h ips , uses a psy c hob i ol ogi c al appr oac h to ther apy and i s f ond of hav i ng c oupl es “pai nt” eac h other ’s f ac es. He c l ai ms that i t hei ghtens a sense of tr ust and saf ety f or the c oupl e. “So ther e w e w er e i n b ed, nex t to eac h other , and w e w er e b oth sur f i ng the w eb on our separ ate l aptops,” sai d Ci ndy ,

an attr ac ti v e w oman i n her thi r ti es. She w as seei ng me f or sel f -esteem i ssues. “So I sai d to Joe, ‘Gosh, I hav en’t ev en seen y ou al l day , and I mi ssed y ou. May b e w e shoul d spend some ti me together .’” “That w as a ni c e w ay to phr ase i t,” I r esponded. “W hat di d he say ?” She c onti nued, “He sai d, ‘W hat do y ou mean? Thi s is spendi ng ti me together .’ A nd he l ook ed b ac k at hi s l aptop. I di dn’t r eal l y k now w hat el se to say , so w e just k ept on doi ng our ow n thi ngs.” Ther e ar e w ay s y ou c an spend ti me together that i nv ol v e i nti mac y and ther e ar e w ay s to spend ti me together that ar e mor e l i k e par al l el pl ay . W hen y ou si t w i th y our spouse w i th separ ate l aptops, thi s f al l s i nto the c ategor y of par al l el pl ay . Ci ndy shr ugged i t of f , b ut I k new that w hen the hab i t of “separ ate ti me masquer adi ng as ti me together ” domi nates a r el ati onshi p, i t l eads to emoti onal di stanc e. I suggested that she l et her husb and k now that she w anted to spend a l i ttl e ti me together mor e i nti matel y and th en they c oul d si t si de b y si de at thei r sc r eens. Touc hi ng the f ac e has a pr i v ate qual i ty to i t. I r ememb er onc e b ei ng at a pool and w atc hi ng a man sunsc r eeni ng hi s f emal e par tner . It w as notew or thy b ec ause he w as gentl y sunsc r eeni ng her f ac e. He tender l y moi stened her f or ehead, her nose, the del i c ate ar ea ab ov e her l i p, and her c hi n. U sual l y y ou mi ght w i tness someone

sun-sc r eeni ng a par tner ’s b ac k or shoul der s, b ut not her f ac e. Judgi ng b y thei r b ehav i or , they w er e a happy c oupl e. REF LECTI ON: How does y our par tner r espond w hen y ou massage hi s or her f ac e?

HABI T 45

Slow Dancing PROMPT: W hen y ou f i nd y our sel f and y our spouse getti ng undr essed at the end of the day at the same ti me HABI T: Say , “W anna danc e?” and then get up c l ose, ac tual l y c heek to c heek , and tak e a f ew mi nutes f or a teenage sl ow danc e. Dr ape y our sel f on eac h other and sw ay f r om si de to si de. Let y our f eel i ngs of l ov e and c onnec ti on b e r enew ed. Opti on: Tr y sl ow danc i ng nak ed as a f un f or m of f or epl ay . PURPOSE: U si ng thi s hab i t c r eates a memor y of c onnec ti on and saf ety as w el l as i gni ti ng an er oti c , pl ay f ul spar k b etw een y ou. W hen w as the l ast ti me y ou had a pr i v ate sl ow danc e w i th y our honey ? Most of us may danc e pol i tel y (and i nf r equentl y ) at w eddi ngs b ut f i nd no oc c asi on to engage i n “di r ty danc i ng.” W i th or w i thout musi c , sl ow l y entangl i ng y our l i mb s and sw ay i ng to y our i nter nal r hy thm joi ns the tw o of y ou i nto one. If y ou c hoose to do thi s nak ed, y our sk i n, w hi c h

c ontai ns mor e than 5 mi l l i on sensor y c el l s and i s b y f ar y our l ar gest sensor y or gan, gets a thor ough sti mul ati on. Four mi ddl e-aged w omen w er e si tti ng i n a c af é si ppi ng c ups of c appuc c i no and shar i ng stor i es ab out teenage c hi l dr en. Our c hi l dr en had gr ow n up together , thr ough the y ear s of pl ay gr ounds, snow day s, pl ay dates, and l ater hi gh sc hool tr ac k meets and c ol l ege appl i c ati ons. One of us c onf i ded that she w as f eel i ng di stant and l onel y i n her r el ati onshi p w i th her husb and, “W hen the k i ds w er e y ounger , w e w er e so b usy and di str ac ted that w e di dn’t noti c e how di stant w e w er e w i th eac h other . N ow that the k i ds ar e ol der and out doi ng thei r ow n thi ng most of ti me, I’m f eel i ng r eal l y di sc onnec ted f r om hi m.” Thi s i s a c ommon phenomenon f or mi ddl e-aged c oupl es. The i nti mac y i n y our mar r i age c an tak e qui te a b eati ng i n c ompeti ti on w i th the demands of r ai si ng c hi l dr en. Year s of “c hangi ng of the guar d” c an l eav e y ou f eel i ng as i f y our spouse i s mor e of a c ol l eague than a l ov e i nter est. Cher y l , the ol dest at the tab l e, c ommented, “I r ememb er f eel i ng that w ay too. John and I had to mak e a r eal ef f or t to c ome together agai n. I w as w or r i ed that w e w oul dn’t mak e i t b ut af ter a r eal b i g f i ght, I thi nk w e b oth r eal i zed that w e needed to mak e a c hange.” “A b out a y ear ago,” Cher y l c onti nued, “John and I b oth star ted mak i ng attempts to b e r omanti c . I thi nk w e b oth had a sense that w e w er e on the edge of a separ ati on. I r ememb er one ni ght, w hen w e w er e getti ng r eady f or b ed, he hugged me and w e star ted sl ow danc i ng. I just l et dow n al l my b ui l t-

up def enses and w e mel ted i nto eac h other . That danc e w as suc h a tur ni ng poi nt f or us.” “N ow ,” Cher y l gi ggl ed, “John and I l ov e to go up to our b edr oom and sl ow danc e l i k e teenager s, di r ty -danc i ng sty l e.” It w as r ar e that w e shar ed i nf or mati on ab out our mar r i ages. Look i ng b ac k , I w i sh w e had done so ev en mor e. W e mi ght hav e b een ab l e to l ear n mor e l essons f r om the suc c ess or f ai l ur e of our mar r i ages (tw o of us ev entual l y di v or c ed). Cher y l w as a shi ni ng i nspi r ati on to us. N ow , al most a dec ade l ater , she and John ar e c el eb r ati ng thei r tw enty f i f th w eddi ng anni v er sar y . W i th the hab i t of r egul ar sl ow danc i ng, I’m not sur pr i sed. REF LECTI ON: W hat do y ou hav e to f ear i f y ou l et y our sel f mel t i nto a sl ow danc e?

HABI T 46

Eye Candy PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e f eel i ng def ensi v e or di stant b ut ar e w i l l i ng to hav e some hel p r ec onnec ti ng HABI T: You need some ey e c andy . A sk y our husb and or w i f e to si t qui etl y opposi te y ou and then spend the nex t one to thr ee mi nutes gazi ng i nto hi s or her ey es. Do not speak .

Si mpl y al l ow y our sel f to l ook i nto the w i ndow s of y our l ov er ’s soul . PURPOSE: Intensi v e ey e c ontac t c ommuni c ates attr ac ti on, l ov e, and tr ust. W hen y ou ar e attr ac ted to someone, y our pupi l s di l ate and y ou hol d thei r gaze. Pr ol onged ey e c ontac t sti mul ates f eel i ngs of af f ec ti on and c onnec ti on. Ther e i s a pr i mal b asi s f or thi s v i sual c omf or t. Ey e c ontac t har k ens b ac k to y our ear l i est attac hment ex per i enc e—the one y ou had w i th y our pr i mar y c ar egi v er . Inf ants depend on ey e c ontac t to r ec ei v e a message of r ec ogni ti on, saf ety , and under standi ng f r om thei r c ar egi v er . W hen y ou gaze i nto y our par tner ’s ey es, y ou w i l l di sc ov er a pow er f ul jol t of i nti mac y . Ev en just a f ew mi nutes of thi s on a r egul ar b asi s w i l l c r eate a sense of c onnec ti on and of homec omi ng that r estor es y our b ond. Bec ause pr ol onged ey e c ontac t r equi r es mutual tr ust, y ou may ex per i enc e a f eel i ng of di sc omf or t i n y our f i r st attempts. Thi s i s per f ec tl y nor mal . Let y our sel f l augh w i th y our spouse. The f eel i ng of r ec onnec ti ng may f eel too deep and tender . Don’t b e sur pr i sed i f i t ev en b r i ngs tear s. Ev entual l y , thi s hab i t w i l l b r i ng a smi l e. I onc e saw a w oman f or a c onsul tati on sessi on r egar di ng her gr i ef ov er the death of her mother . How ev er , r ather than use the sessi on to desc r i b e her f eel i ngs of l oss, she i nstead c ompl ai ned nonstop ab out her husb and. I suggested that she mi ght need mar r i age c ounsel i ng mor e than gr i ef

c ounsel i ng. She dec i ded to b r i ng her husb and w i th her f or the nex t sessi on. W hen they ar r i v ed, Joe appear ed r el ax ed. I w el c omed hi m and c ommented that mak i ng the dec i si on to emb ar k on mar r i age c ounsel i ng w as a b r av e step. “Mar r i age c ounsel i ng?” he sai d, v i si b l y ti ghteni ng. “Jean di dn’t say any thi ng ab out that. I thought I w as just her e to suppor t her gr i ev i ng.” Oops. I had just unw i tti ngl y par ti c i pated i n a c ompl ete amb ush. Joe thought he w as suppor ti ng Jean’s sadness onl y to di sc ov er that thei r mar r i age w as at stak e. Ov er the nex t f i f teen mi nutes he got i nc r easi ngl y def ensi v e. N othi ng w as w r ong w i th thei r r el ati onshi p, he tol d me, and b esi des, he di dn’t k now how to do any b etter . He assur ed me that f or ty f our y ear s of mar r i age meant they w er e f i ne. I tr i ed to r ef r ame the i ssue. “Her r equest f or mar r i age c ounsel i ng i s a supr eme c ompl i ment to y ou,” I sai d. “Her pr i mar y goal i s to f eel c l oser to y ou. That’s how muc h she l ov es y ou. Ev en af ter al l these y ear s together , she just w ants to f eel c l ose to y ou.” He hung hi s head dow n. “I thought w e w ere c l ose. W hat el se c an I do?” I suggested that they tr y an ex er c i se r i ght her e i n my of f i c e. I ask ed them to tur n tow ar d eac h other and just gaze i nto eac h other ’s ey es … f or thr ee mi nutes. N ow , thr ee mi nutes may not sound l i k e a l ong ti me, b ut i t c an f eel that w ay . A t f i r st they w er e aw k w ar d and b egan to gi ggl e. A s they l et go of thei r def enses, thei r shoul der s dr opped and a shi f t

oc c ur r ed. By the end, b oth of them had tear ed up. The tr ansi ti on f r om def ensi v eness to tender ness w as a b eauti f ul thi ng to w i tness. W hen the ti me w as up, he r eac hed f or her hand and sai d, “Honey , tel l me w hat to do.” She smi l ed and b r ushed aw ay a tear . “Thank y ou, Joe. You just di d i t.” Let i ntenti onal ey e c ontac t c ut thr ough y our w or k , y our di stanc e, y our r esi stanc e, and b r i ng y ou c l osel y tow ar d eac h other . It’s a hab i t that w i l l c ar r y y our mar r i age f or w ar d w i th i nti mac y . REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou af r ai d to l et y our sel f b e f ul l y seen?

HABI T 47

Mind’s Eye PROMPT: If y ou’r e f eel i ng di stant f r om y our b el ov ed HABI T: V i sual i ze a w onder f ul sc ene b etw een y ou and y our dear one. Imagi ne y our sel v es on y our honey moon, on a w onder f ul tr i p, r el ax i ng i n r eti r ement, hav i ng a r omanti c di nner , w al k i ng on a b eac h, or ev en sk i nny -di ppi ng! Hol d y our attenti on on thi s i mage and l et y our sel f tak e i n the detai l s. Let the emoti ons and sensati ons that ar i se soak i nto y our b ody .

PURPOSE: Cr eati v e v i sual i zati on i s an ef f ec ti v e str ess r el i ev er . Conjur i ng sc enes of i nti mac y and c onnec ti on r edi r ec ts the emoti onal r esponses of y our mi nd and b ody . V i sual i zati on di f f er s f r om day dr eami ng i n that i t i s i ntenti onal and muc h mor e f oc used. W hen y ou i magi ne y our sel f i nter ac ti ng w i th y our spouse (r el ati onal v i sual i zati on), i t b ec omes mor e than just a sw eet or sex y b ac k dr op. Thi s ty pe of v i sual i zati on ac ti v ates the ener gy b etw een y ou. Choose to r el i v e a magi c al ti me w i th y our mate; see i t i n v i b r ant detai l and summon a f eel i ng of together ness to open y our hear t. V i sual i zati on i s a natur al mood b ooster . Let i t b oost y our f eel i ng of l ov e. I gr ew up i n the sub ur b s. My ex per i enc e w i th sw i mmi ng w as c onf i ned to a c r ow ded c ountr y c l ub . If i t had oc c ur r ed to me to sk i nny -di p—w hi c h i t di dn’t—I pr ob ab l y w oul d hav e b een ar r ested. Dani el , how ev er , gr ew up on a f ar m i n r ur al N ew Hampshi r e. He w as so ac c ustomed to sec l uded ponds that i t di dn’t oc c ur to hi m to w ear a sw i msui t! He w as tr ul y astoni shed w hen he l ear ned that I had nev er gone sk i nny di ppi ng. It w as on our honey moon i n Bal i that I di sc ov er ed, i n a pr i v ate pool i n a pr i v ate v i l l a, that sk i nny -di ppi ng i s tr ul y f antasti c ! W ho k new that a b athi ng sui t w as so r estr i c ti v e? The natur al f eel of w ater on sk i n and … w el l , l et’s just say that sk i nny -di ppi ng w i th y our l ov er of f er s a uni que f eel i ng of f un.

One ev eni ng, y ear s l ater , I w as f eel i ng unusual l y ex hausted af ter a l ong day . I w as al so annoy ed w i th Dani el b ec ause he had agr eed to tak e c ar e of a pr ojec t that day b ut had f or gotten to do so. I w as f eel i ng di stant and al one. Sti l l , I di dn’t w ant to f eel i r r i tated. I w anted to enjoy my ev eni ng at home f eel i ng r el ax ed. So I c l osed my ey es and w ent b ac k to Bal i . In my mi nd’s ey e I saw my sel f sk i nny di ppi ng w i th Dan. I c oul d f eel the w ater , the b uoy anc y , the f r eedom. I i magi ned r i di ng al ong Dan’s b ac k as he c har ter ed me thr ough the w ater s. I f el t the w ar mth of sun on my shoul der s and the w ay that Dan l aughed w hen I b l ew i nto hi s ear . I b ec ame so engr ossed i n the v i sual i zati on that I b egan to f eel b etter i n spi te of my sel f . W hen I joi ned Dan f or di nner , I w as i n a pl ac e w her e I c oul d c onnec t w i th my husb and w i th gr ati tude and gr ac e. REF LECTI ON: Do y ou c onti nue to c r eate new memor i es together that mi ght ser v e as a f utur e v i sual i zati on?

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Spoonful of Sugar PROMPT: W henev er y ou’r e hav i ng a dec adent sw eet tr eat together HABI T: Tak e y our f or k or spoon and f eed y our spouse a b i te of the del i c i ous desser t. A l ter natel y , hand f eed y our dar l i ng

a smal l pi ec e of f ood, l etti ng y our f i nger l i nger on hi s l i ps. PURPOSE: The hab i t of f eedi ng y our l ov er w i l l i nduc e a sensual i nti mac y b etw een y ou and a pl ay f ul c onnec ti v i ty i n y our mar r i age. Thi s hab i t i s f un, sex y , and ev en seduc ti v e. A nd y et, how of ten do y ou ev er f eed y our mate? Chanc es ar e that y ou hav en’t f ed y our l ov ed one a pi ec e of c ak e si nc e the day y ou sai d, “I do.” Feedi ng y our spouse i s a nour i shi ng, i nti mate ac t pac k ed w i th sensual potenti al . U se i t on a date ni ght or just ov er c of f ee and c hoc ol ates to b r i ng y our mar r i age to a hi gher l ev el of happi ness. The b r oc hur e b oasted a Tur k i sh f east f or the senses, a onc ei n-a-l i f eti me r omanti c adv entur e that w oul d sur pass y our w i l dest dr eams. A tal l or der , to b e sur e, b ut the ex oti c spa had f ul f i l l ed i ts pr omi se. W e had b een w hi sk ed thr ough an enti c i ng and my ster i ous l ab y r i nth: l ush c ol or s, ex oti c musi c , f ab r i c w al l s, f l ow er s, i nc ense, jew el ed statues, sc ar v es dr aped f r om the c ei l i ng. It w as l i k e a dr eam. W e w er e pl unged i nto c ool b aths and hot b aths. W e w er e sl ather ed i n y ogur t and had our f ac es c ov er ed i n c uc umb er sl i c es. W e w er e k neaded and pummel ed and r ub b ed dow n. A nd now Dan and I, honey mooner s, w er e soak i ng together i n a pr i v ate b asi n, mor e sw i mmi ng pool than tub . Toe to toe w e f l oated, mel ti ng i nto the hot w ater str ew n w i th r ose petal s and essenti al oi l s. Sandal w ood i nc ense f i l l ed the r oom. W e f el t l i k e Tur k i sh r oy al ty .

A k noc k on the door her al ded the ar r i v al of a tr ay f eatur i ng c ool mi nt tea and an assor tment of Tur k i sh del i ghts. A s I f l oated ov er to thi s pl ate of r ef r eshments, Dani el sel ec ted one and f ed i t to me. The i nti mac y and l ov e i n that si ngl e ac t l i f ted me out of my separ ate w or l d of phy si c al pl easur e and pul l ed us together i n a w ay that al l the l ux ur y i n the w or l d c oul d not. That smal l ac t of f eedi ng b r ought us together as one. Feedi ng y our spouse a smal l b i te i s not just f or w eddi ngs and honey moons. It i s a hab i t f or or di nar y l i v i ng. Mak e i t pl ay f ul ; mak e i t r omanti c ; mak e i t sensual . REF LECTI ON: W hat f eel i ng ar i ses w i thi n y ou w hen y ou l et y our sel f b e f ed?

HABI T 49

Sounds of Silence PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e too ti r ed f or w or ds HABI T: Say , “Let’s l i sten together .” For a set per i od of ti me (one to thr ee mi nutes) si mpl y l i sten together i n si l enc e. If i t f eel s c omf or tab l e, hol d hands. Cl ose y our ey es and lis ten to the ar r ay of sounds i n the w or l d ar ound y ou. W hen thoughts c ome i nto y our mi nd, si mpl y r edi r ec t y our attenti on b ac k to the sounds. A t the end of the ti me, shar e w hat y ou hear d: the ti c k i ng c l oc k , y our b el ov ed’s b r eathi ng, c ar s goi ng b y .

PURPOSE: W hen y ou and y our spouse dev el op the hab i t of tak i ng a f ew mi nutes to c ome together i n the pr esent moment, y ou w i l l f i nd c ommon gr ound and c r eate a spac e w her e y ou c an r eal l y c onnec t. W hi l e l i steni ng to the detai l s that sur r ound y ou, y ou w i l l ex per i enc e a mental pause, a r epr i ev e f r om the spi r al of y our str essf ul thoughts. Thi s hab i t i s par ti c ul ar l y gr eat f or c omi ng together af ter w or k or b ef or e goi ng to b ed (or any ti me y ou f eel as i f y ou and y our spouse ar e i n separ ate w or l ds). Li steni ng mi ndf ul l y has the ef f ec t of qui c k l y r ec har gi ng y our ener gy . Be sur e to end af ter the dur ati on y ou agr eed upon. A k i tc hen ti mer i s per f ec t f or thi s. Dani el and I w ent on a si l ent r etr eat together , a b uc ol i c c ountr y f ar m estate r un b y an or der of Epi sc opal i an monk s. A s w e settl ed i nto our ow n pr i v ate “her mi tage” and pr epar ed to go i nto si l enc e, I eager l y anti c i pated our mutual sti l l ness. A l most i mmedi atel y , though, I f ound the ex per i enc e c ompl etel y maddeni ng. Ther e w as no w ay to c ommuni c ate. How w er e w e goi ng to str uc tur e our ti me together ? Dan l ook ed c al m as the Buddha hi msel f . I f ound my sel f getti ng f r ustr ated. A s w e sat on our sun por c h i n stony si l enc e, I thought, “Thi s i s l i k e a dy sf unc ti onal mar r i age. Tons of c oupl es nev er speak , and that doesn’t mak e them happy . It mak es them l onel y and i sol ated.” I c onti nued to pout. I h ated the si l enc e. It w as as i f I w as ex per i enc i ng the sti l l ness as a k i nd of emoti onal ab andonment. I c oul dn’t stand i t.

Then Dan c aught my ey e, took my hand, and made a gestur e that pl ai nl y meant, “Let’s tak e a w al k .” On that w al k , i n total si l enc e, w e l i stened to the w or l d together . W e hear d honk i ng geese f l y near b y , so l ow that w e c oul d see the w hi tes of thei r b el l i es. Dan poi nted out autumn l eav es r ustl i ng on the gr ound. I c al l ed hi s attenti on to c hi pmunk s sk i tter i ng ac r oss f al l en l ogs. W e f ound a hammoc k that hel d the tw o of us si de b y si de and spent the nex t hour l i steni ng to the sounds of the w or l d. I no l onger f el t al one b ec ause I k new that w e w er e l i steni ng together . I’l l admi t that tw enty -f our hour s i s a l ong ti me to b e si l ent. But i ntenti onal l i steni ng together onl y tak es a f ew mi nutes. Thi s hab i t al l ow s y ou b oth to tr av el f r om y our separ ate w or l ds of nonstop thi nk i ng to y our home together i n the her e and now . Li sten to the sounds of l i f e w i th y our b el ov ed and shar e i n the w onder of y our w or l d together . REF LECTI ON: Is ther e any thi ng that y ou’r e af r ai d y ou w i l l “hear ” i f y ou al l ow y our sel f to r est i n si l enc e?

HABI T 50

Listen to This PROMPT: W hen y our par tner i s c ompl ai ni ng HABI T: Br eathe deep and l i sten. Do not tr y to f i x , mi ni mi ze, def end agai nst, or deny hi s f eel i ngs. Instead, l i sten unti l he i s done and then say , “W hat I hear y ou say i ng

i s …” Then par aphr ase hi s w or ds. Conti nue b y say i ng, “Di d I get that r i ght?” and “Is ther e mor e?” PURPOSE: A s y ou dev el op the hab i t of l i steni ng w hen y our husb and or w i f e needs to c ompl ai n, y ou w i l l f i nd that c onf l i c t and str ess i n y our mar r i age w i l l dec r ease. U nl ess y our spouse has ask ed f or a sol uti on to hi s pr ob l em, y ou c an b e sur e that w hen he c ompl ai ns he si mpl y needs to f eel hear d. Thi s mi r r or i ng tool i s i nspi r ed b y Har v i l l e Hendr i x ’s “Intenti onal Di al ogue” ex er c i se i n Imago Rel ati onshi p Ther apy . Thi s str uc tur ed w ay of l i steni ng hel ps y our par tner f eel under stood and pr i or i ti zed. W hen y ou l i sten w i thout judgment or the desi r e to r edi r ec t, y ou ar e ab l e to of f er empathy and r ec epti on. Thi s hear tf el t pr esenc e to the ex per i enc e of our b el ov ed of f er s the gi f t of ac c eptanc e. John Gr ay , author of Wh y Mars and Venus Collide: I m prov ing Relations h ips by Unders tanding How Men and Wom en Cope Differently w ith S tres s , poi nts out that f or w omen thi s i s espec i al l y i mpor tant. W hen a w oman f eel s l i k e she i s hear d and suppor ted, her ox y toc i n l ev el s r i se, al l ow i ng her to f eel c al m and r el ax ed. If y ou ar e b usy c onstr uc ti ng y our ow n c omeb ac k to y our spouse’s c ompl ai nts, y ou ar e not ab l e to hear her w or ds or empathi ze w i th her f eel i ngs. Let thi s di r ec ted tec hni que of l i steni ng b ec ome a hab i t, and y ou w i l l hav e a gr eater f eel i ng of under standi ng i nf use y our mar r i age.

Jenni f er had a l ong l i st of c ompl ai nts w hen she c ame i n w i th her husb and N ate. They had b een mar r i ed f or si x y ear s and had tw o y oung c hi l dr en. Both Jen and N ate w or k ed f ul l -ti me job s and w er e ov er w hel med w i th the demands of a b usy f ami l y l i f e. “A f ter di nner , N ate r ef uses to hel p me c l ean up the di shes,” Jenni f er c ompl ai ned. N ate shook hi s head and si ghed, “She’s got i t al l w r ong. I tel l her that I’l l hel p, b ut I w ant to do i t af ter the k i ds go to b ed. Is that so w r ong? She’s so c ontr ol l i ng ab out i t.” “Real l y ? I tr i ed that and y ou l ef t the di shes i n the si nk f or tw o day s!” Jen c ounter ed. “I don’t w ant to l i v e i n a pi gsty . W hy c an’t y ou just hel p ar ound the house? Do y ou thi nk I’m y our mai d? Besi des, I w ant to b e w i th the k i ds too, y ou k now .” Her tone w as b i ti ng. I i nter jec ted. “It sounds l i k e b oth of y ou r eal l y w ant somethi ng that y ou just c an’t qui te get.” I w anted to b r eak the r hy thm of the ar gument, so I tol d them ab out the mi r r or i ng ex er c i se. I ask ed Jen to l i sten i n thi s spec i f i c w ay , w hi l e N ate tal k ed. Jen l i stened to N ate r epeat hi s f eel i ngs ab out k i tc hen c l eanup. Then she summar i zed hi s f eel i ngs: “W hat I hear y ou say i ng i s that i t’s i mpor tant to y ou to spend some f un ti me w i th the k i ds b ef or e they go to sl eep. You don’t w ant to b l ow that ti me c l eani ng up the k i tc hen.” N ex t, N ate l i stened to Jen and mi r r or ed b ac k : “W hat I hear y ou say i ng i s that i t’s i mpor tant to y ou to hav e the k i tc hen c l eaned up b ef or e w e go to b ed. You don’t w ant to

w ak e up to a di r ty k i tc hen. A nd, y ou al so w ant to spend ti me w i th the k i ds b ef or e they go to sl eep.” Yes. Ex ac tl y . Onc e they b oth f el t hear d, they suddenl y dr opped thei r f r ustr ated, sar c asti c tone. A nd i n the spac e of open di al ogue and a mutual goal , a sol uti on ar ose. They dec i ded to c l ean the k i tc hen together at 8 P.M., af ter putti ng the k i ds to b ed. Jen dr opped her need to c l ean the k i tc hen at 6 P.M. and N ate dr opped l eav i ng the c l eani ng unti l the nex t day . Both of them got to spend ti me w i th the k i ds. N ot ev er y sol uti on pr esents i tsel f so c l ear l y , b ut one thi ng i s f or c er tai n: If y ou don’t lis ten to eac h other , y ou w on’t f i nd y our w ay . So tr y to get i nto thi s hab i t. You may b e sur pr i sed b y w hat y ou hear . REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to stop and l i sten to y our spouse ev en w hen y ou w i sh to b e hear d?

HABI T 51

Air Freshener PROMPT: W hen y ou see that y our b el ov ed i s standi ng at the k i tc hen si nk w ashi ng the di shes, or —i f she’s not of ten at the si nk —w henev er she’s doi ng any c hor e HABI T: Go ov er and nuzzl e i nto her nec k . Inhal e deepl y . Ki ss i n her nec k and/or at the nape of her nec k and say , “Thank y ou.”

PURPOSE: A ppr ec i ati v e nec k nuzzl i ng i s a gr ati tude hab i t that of f er s r ec ogni ti on and af f ec ti on to y our par tner i n l i f e. Gr ati tude has the enor mous pow er to b r i ng smi l es, joy , and i nti mac y i nto y our mar r i age. N ec k nuzzl i ng al so ac ti v ates an ol f ac tor y sensor y ex per i enc e that enhanc es c oupl e b ondi ng. The nec k , l i k e the w r i sts and b ehi nd the ear s, i s a pul se poi nt. Thi s phy si c al r eposi tor y of b l ood v essel s c l ose to the sk i n ac ts as a f r agr anc e pump and of f er s eac h per son’s uni que sc ent to the one w i l l i ng to snuggl e c l ose. A l l mammal s sec r ete pher omones, c hemi c al s that tr i gger sex ual and soc i al r esponses i n memb er s of thei r ow n spec i es. Many r esear c her s b el i ev e that f or humans, too, an i ndi v i dual ’s sex ual and soc i al b ehav i or i s af f ec ted b y the odor l ess pher omones sec r eted b y i ndi v i dual s w i th w hom they hav e i nti mate c ontac t. N uzzl e up to y our spouse’s nec k and l et y our sel f b ond w i th the one y ou l ov e. Dan and I w er e at a c oupl es y oga r etr eat. W e w er e l ear ni ng the anc i ent ar t of Thai y oga, a par tner -b ased str etc hi ng y oga. The i nstr uc tor taught a ser i es of poses—par t massage, par t str etc h, and par t snuggl e. Eac h c oupl e w as on a f uton mattr ess to l ear n the v ar i ous poses. Dur i ng the openi ng sessi on, w e had eac h i ntr oduc ed our sel v es, say i ng how l ong w e had b een par tner ed and w hy w e w er e tak i ng thi s w eek end w or k shop. Eac h c oupl e of f er ed a uni que stor y of l ov e and c ommi tment to i mpr ov i ng thei r r el ati onshi p.

Ther e w as the el der l y c oupl e w ho w er e c el eb r ati ng thei r f or ty -si x th w eddi ng anni v er sar y . Ov er ther e w as the l esb i an c oupl e on the v er ge of b r eak i ng up, w ho hoped that thi s r etr eat together w oul d b ui l d thei r b r i dge b ac k to c onnec ti on. Ri ght nex t to us w as the touc hy -f eel y y oung c oupl e w ho had nev er tr i ed y oga b ef or e. A nd ac r oss the w ay w as the c oupl e w ho had just l aunc hed thei r l ast c hi l d to c ol l ege and f ound themsel v es i n r edi sc ov er y mode. I got up f r om our f uton mattr ess to go to the b athr oom. Str angel y , as I di d so, I had to step ov er c oupl es l y i ng on thei r ow n f utons. These c oupl es w er e i n v ar i ous stages of spooni ng, huggi ng, c uddl i ng, and hol di ng. It w as as i f I had l anded i n a huge sl umb er par ty … ex c ept ev er y one w as adul t, c oupl ed, and phy si c al l y attac hed. It w as the new l y empty nester c oupl e w ho most c aught my attenti on. The husb and w as gentl y nuzzl i ng the nec k of hi s l ong-ti me b r i de. It w as suc h a sw eet, i nti mate moment that I must hav e b l ushed as I av er ted my gaze. Ov er the nex t f ew day s, w hat I noti c ed most w as the f r equent nuzzl i ng b ehav i or amongst those c oupl es w ho seemed the happi est. It w as as i f happy c oupl es unc onsc i ousl y v er i f i ed and i ntensi f i ed thei r b ond thr ough the tac ti l e and ol f ac tor y ex per i enc e of nuzzl i ng w i th eac h other . REF LECTI ON: Can y ou nuzzl e y our par tner ’s nec k ev en i f y ou’r e f eel i ng annoy ed or dow nhear ted? Can y ou gi v e ev en w hen y ou don’t f eel l i k e i t?

HABI T 52

Coming Up Roses PROMPT: W hen y ou w ant to i nc r ease y our ex per i enc e of joy w i th y our par tner HABI T: N oti c e w hat y ou ar e doi ng together and i nhal e shar pl y . A s y ou i nhal e, thi nk or say the w or ds, “I b r eathe i n thi s moment and noti c e i ts b eauty .” Ex hal e sl ow l y and l et the good f eel i ngs si nk i nto y our b ody . PURPOSE: W hen y ou mak e i t a hab i t to b r eathe i n the b eauty of the smal l enjoy ab l e moments of y our r el ati onshi p, y ou i nc r ease y our ow n c apac i ty f or mi ndf ul ness, happi ness, and joy . Mi ndf ul ness i s a pr ac ti c e of nonjudgmental aw ar eness that i nc r eases y our ab i l i ty to sav or and ex per i enc e the pr esent moment. You’v e pr ob ab l y hear d the ex pr essi on “Stop to smel l the r oses.” That’s mi ndf ul ness i n pr ac ti c e. N eur osc i enc e has show n that mi ndf ul ness ex er c i ses, suc h as thi s hab i t, hel p to r educ e str ess and i nc r ease one’s happi ness l ev el . Deep b r eathi ng i s al so k now n to gr ound y ou i n y our b ody and gr ound y ou i n the moment. Br eathi ng i n an ex per i enc e i s doub l y pow er f ul . Sar ah, a f or ty -si x -y ear -ol d mother of tw o, mar r i ed f or tw enty y ear s, shook her head as she tol d me, “I just w i sh I

c oul d f eel mor e joy w i th Ron. Ev er y thi ng f eel s so or di nar y .” “Do y ou do thi ngs together that y ou enjoy ?” I ask ed. “I suppose so,” she r esponded. “Do y ou mean l i k e hob b i es and stuf f ?” “N o, not nec essar i l y ,” I answ er ed. “I mean, do y ou si mpl y enjoy hi s c ompany , enjoy y our l i f e w i th hi m?” I ex pl ai ned to Sar ah that per haps i t w as possi b l e that she w as l ook i ng i n v ai n f or mi l l i on-dol l ar moments and mountai ntop hi ghs to b r i ng her joy . “The r eal i ty i s that y our r el ati onshi p pr i mar i l y c onsi sts of si mpl e, seemi ngl y or di nar y moments. You just hav e to r eal i ze how ex tr aor di nar y these moments r eal l y ar e.” I ask ed her to k eep a jour nal w i th her thr oughout the day and l i st ev er y thi ng that she enjoy ed. Di d she l i k e her mor ni ng c of f ee, ex c hangi ng e-mai l s w i th a f r i end, and huggi ng her daughter w hen she c ame home f r om w or k ? Di d she enjoy shar i ng a gl ass of w i ne w i th her husb and, l i steni ng to hi m di sc uss hi s day , w atc hi ng hi m r ead thei r son a b edti me stor y ? W hen she r etur ned the nex t w eek she mar v el ed that ther e w er e, i n f ac t, dozens of moments ev er y day that she r el i shed. Then I suggested thi s hab i t to her . She c ame b ac k the f ol l ow i ng w eek b eami ng. W hen she’d l et her sel f b r eathe i n these moments she’d i denti f i ed, she tol d me, they somehow f el t b i gger and mor e spec i al . “I’m happi er than I r eal i zed,” she qui pped. “W ho k new l i f e w as so good?”

The w i se Buddhi st nun, Pema Chödr ön, suggests that happi ness i s a h abit. Onc e y ou dev el op the ar t of noti c i ng goodness, y ou star t to see i t ev er y w her e. A ppl y i ng thi s to y our r el ati onshi p al l ow s y ou to see ev en the smal l est i nter ac ti ons w i th r ev er enc e. The si mpl e task of eati ng sc r amb l ed eggs i n the mor ni ng w i th y our mate suddenl y b ec omes a qui et c ause f or c el eb r ati on. A happy mar r i age i s b ui l t upon the l i ttl e thi ngs. Br eathe i n the b eauti f ul dai l y moments and f eel y our mar r i age c ome to l i f e. REF LECTI ON: W hen do y ou f eel most al i v e i n y our r el ati onshi p?

HABI T 53

Candlelight Night PROMPT: Onc e per season, per haps on the sol sti c e or the equi nox HABI T: Hav e a pl anned sensual and sex ual ev eni ng i n b ed w i th no tel ev i si on, no b ook s, just eac h other . Pl an to l i ght c andl es, pl ay musi c , w ear l i nger i e, b r i ng l oti on, or use sex toy s. The poi nt i s to ex pl or e and tak e y our ti me … hav e an ev eni ng w her e y ou l i nger ov er eac h other ’s b ody par ts and r ec onnec t w i th ev er y sense.

PURPOSE: Happy c oupl es hav e sex . In f ac t, sex i s the ul ti mate ex c l usi v e ac ti v i ty that y ou shar e w i th y our spouse and onl y y our spouse. W hi l e y ou c an l ov e and ev en f eel deepl y attac hed to other peopl e i n y our l i f e, y ou ar e onl y (or shoul d b e) hav i ng sex w i th y our spouse. It i s not unc ommon f or a b usy c oupl e to dr op sex as a pr i or i ty . A s w i th ex er c i se, y ou mi ght k now that y ou “shoul d,” b ut y ou just don’t hav e the ener gy . That’s w hy i t’s i mpor tant f or y ou to sc hedul e a sex ual l i ai son and gi v e y our sel f ti me to enjoy i t (w hi c h means goi ng to b ed l ong b ef or e y ou’r e ac tual l y ti r ed and r eady to f al l sl eep). Hav i ng r egul ar sex i s a natur al , heal thy , and i mpor tant hab i t i n a heal thy mar r i age. It i s a c r uc i al c omponent i n the human need f or phy si c al and emoti onal c l oseness, c onnec ti on, and i nti mac y . It r el eases c hemi c al s i n y our b r ai n that r el i ev e str ess and hel p y ou f eel c onnec ted. Many c oupl es f i nd i t odd, at f i r st, that I’d r ec ommend sc hedul i ng sex si nc e i t seems the anti thesi s of spontaneous passi on. How ev er , the b enef i ts ar e i mmense. For men, sc hedul ed sex of f er s a r el ax ed, no-r ejec ti on anti c i pati on as w el l as a w i l l i ngness f or a r omanti c b ui l dup. For w omen, a l onger sensual ev eni ng of f er s mor e sati sf ac ti on than a “qui c k i e” and l ets her k now that she i s pr i or i ti zed. A r e y ou f r equentl y ov er w hel med and str essed b y a l i f e that i nc l udes c hi l dr en and str essf ul job s? Has hav i ng sex b ec ome one mor e c hor e on y our to-do l i st, somethi ng to squeeze i n b etw een f l ossi ng and f ol di ng l aundr y ? Is i t qui c k , r ote, dul l , and meani ngl ess? Or has i t ev en b ec ome

ob sol ete? If y ou f eel l i k e y ou’r e l i v i ng w i th a r oommate, y ou ar e not unl i k e mi l l i ons of other s i n v i r tual l y sex l ess mar r i ages. Thi s hab i t w i l l hel p tur n thi ngs ar ound. In the f i l m Hope S prings , a mar r i age c ounsel or (ac tor Stev e Car el l ) ask s a c oupl e (Mer y l Str eep and Tommy Lee Jones) w hen they l ast had sex . The husb and c l ai ms not to r ememb er . The w i f e k now s r i ght aw ay that i t w as f our y ear s ago. U nf or tunatel y , w hen y ou c ool dow n the sex ual si de of y our mar r i age, i t c an b e di f f i c ul t to r ei gni te i t. Then, ev en w hen k i ds gr ow up and the job str ess l essens, y ou f i nd that y ou ei ther don’t w ant or don’t k now how to r estar t a happy sex l i f e w i th y our spouse. In an ef f or t to jump-star t the passi on b etw een hi s c l i ents, Car el l ask s them to f i r st just hol d eac h other f or an ev eni ng, then to touc h eac h other , then to shar e thei r sex ual f antasi es, and f i nal l y to hav e sex . The tender r eb ui l di ng of a phy si c al r el ati onshi p b etw een the c oupl e i s at ti mes b oth pai nf ul and hi l ar i ous to w i tness. But they do f i nd thei r w ay b ac k to eac h other and to a phy si c al c onnec ti on. The mov i e c hampi ons the message that i t’s nev er too l ate to c hange y our hab i ts of phy si c al i nti mac y . In i ntenti onal l y c r eati ng the seasonal hab i t of a sensual ev eni ng together , y ou w i l l b r i ng a new l ev el of r omanti c anti c i pati on i nto y our mar r i age as w el l as a deeper sati sf ac ti on to y our sex ual ex per i enc e.

REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to honor and pr i or i ti ze a sex ual r el ati onshi p w i th y our spouse?

CHAPTER 8

People Will Say We’re in Love: Habits to Open Your Hearts Peopl e ev er y w her e w ant nothi ng mor e than to b e c oupl ed. Mar r i age i s seen as the ul ti mate i nter per sonal c ommi tment, the hol y gr ai l of r el ati onshi ps. You l ong f or i t, str i v e f or i t, w i sh f or i t, pr ay f or i t and then—pow ! It happens to y ou. You w ant the happi ness to l ast, of c our se. You w ant the l ov e to b e f or ev er . But l ov e i s tr i c k y . On the one hand, w hen y ou ar e at y our b est, i t means c ar i ng ab out y our par tner ’s needs mor e than y our ow n, gi v i ng w i th an open hear t. On the other hand, r omanti c l ov e of ten i mpl i es some ex pec tati on of r etur n, some measur e of r ec i pr oc al dev oti on. Condi ti onal l ov e means, I l ov e y ou as l ong as … y ou stay thi n, get r i c h, tel l me w hat I w ant to hear , don’t do any thi ng that w i l l f or c e me to hate y ou, and f r ank l y , as l ong as I f eel l i k e i t. On the other hand, unc ondi ti onal l ov e—the l ov e y ou mi ght ex per i enc e r egul ar l y w i th y our pets or y our c hi l dr en—means I l ov e y ou ev en w hen y ou c hange, ev en w hen I c hange, ev en w hen y ou hav e a tantr um, ev en w hen y ou’r e r ude to me, ev en w hen I don’t f eel l i k e i t, b ec ause my hear t i s l ar ge and open. W hen i t c omes to tr ue, unc ondi ti onal l ov e, the l ov e i n y our mar r i age has i ts sour c e w ith in y ou. You c an’t c ontr ol

y our spouse’s c apac i ty f or unc ondi ti onal l ov e b ut y ou c an model i t f or hi m or her . It’s a measur e of y our c apac i ty f or a b i g, open hear t. Thi nk of the w el l -k now n Dr . Seuss f ur r y Chr i stmas c r eatur e, the Gr i nc h. W hen he hear s the W hos dow n i n W hov i l l e sti l l si ngi ng ev en though thei r Chr i stmas had b een stol en, hi s hear t gr ow s to thr ee ti mes i ts si ze. You mi ght f i nd i t easy to ac t i n l ov i ng w ay s w hen y ou feel l ov i ng, b ut w hat ab out w hen y ou don’t f eel that w ay ? A mazi ngl y , i t i s possi b l e to ac t “as i f .” Your emoti ons w i l l r espond to y our ac ti ons: W hen y ou ac t i n l ov i ng w ay s, y ou star t to f eel l ov i ng. The hab i ts i n thi s sec ti on ar e desi gned to open y our hear t, to hel p y ou ac t i n l ov i ng w ay s so that y ou f eel l ov i ng as a r esul t. Keep y our hear t open and l ov e w i l l b l oom.

HABI T 54

Full Cup PROMPT: W hen y ou get dr essed i n the mor ni ng HABI T: Stop f or a moment and c r adl e y our f ac e b y pl ac i ng y our hands on y our c heek s. Repeat these w or ds out l oud: “May y ou b e happy . May y ou b e heal thy . May y ou b e saf e f r om har m. May y ou k now peac e. You ar e a w onder f ul per son. You deser v e l ov e.”

Hi nt: In a pl ac e w her e y ou w i l l see i t, k eep a Post-i t w i th these w or ds (or other s that r esonate f or y ou) unti l y ou hav e them memor i zed. PURPOSE: Thi s hab i t i s ab out f i l l i ng y our ow n c up w i th l ov e and happi ness. You—and nob ody el se—ar e r esponsi b l e f or y our ow n happi ness. You don’t need to l ook f or another per son to c ompl ete y ou, as i f y ou w er e f aul ty or onl y hal f of a per son. N o, y ou ar e c ompl etel y w hol e on y our ow n. Your b el ov ed par tner mer el y mak es y ou mor e w hol e and happi er . John Gr ay , r el ati onshi p ex per t and author of Men Are from Mars , Wom en Are from Venus , pr oc l ai ms that i ndi v i dual s ar e r esponsi b l e f or 90 per c ent of thei r ow n happi ness. A per son's par tner c an hel p top of f the ex tr a 1 0 per c ent. The w or ds i n thi s hab i t ar e b ased on the Buddhi st medi tati on k now n as the Metta Bh av ana (a pr ac ti c e of l ov i ng k i ndness). Most peopl e don’t of f er themsel v es l ov e and c ompassi on. Dec i de to b ec ome y our b i ggest and b est c heer l eader . W hen y ou f i l l y our mi nd w i th thi s k i nd of l ov i ng, posi ti v e sel f -tal k , y ou w i l l dw el l i n l ov e and y our c up w i l l r unneth ov er . The gestur e of c r adl i ng y our f ac e adds to the sense of tender sel f -l ov e and tr i gger s y our i nsti nc tual c ar etak i ng. In or der to tr ul y l ov e another per son, y ou hav e to b egi n w i th y our sel f . Thi s w as the l esson that my c l i ent Char l otte f i nal l y l ear ned. Char l otte and Gene had b een mar r i ed f or

thr ee y ear s. They c ame to see me b ec ause Char l otte w as ob sessed w i th the f ear that Gene w as goi ng to l eav e her . A l though Gene w as a k i nd and gentl e husb and, hi s w or ds of l ov e and endear ment of ten f el l on deaf ear s. He tol d her that she w as b eauti f ul , b ut she di dn’t b el i ev e i t. He tol d her that he ador ed her , b ut she f i gur ed i t w oul dn’t l ast. She of ten sai d i n sessi on that she di dn’t under stand w hy someone as w onder f ul as Gene w oul d f al l i n l ov e w i th someone as medi oc r e as her sel f . Gene shook hi s head i n f r ustr ati on. “N o matter w hat I say , i t’s not enough,” he sai d. “I c an’t c onv i nc e her that she’s w onder f ul . I don’t k now w hat to do to hel p her .” I r ec ogni zed that Char l otte’s l ac k of sel f -l ov e w as getti ng i n thei r w ay . If she di dn’t c hange her ab i l i ty to f eel l ov ab l e, the tr ajec tor y f or thei r mar r i age w as i n jeopar dy . “I b el i ev e that Char l otte needs to do some i nner w or k on her ow n,” I i nter jec ted. “Gene, y ou c an suppor t her b ut, ul ti matel y , y ou c annot do thi s w or k f or her .” A s the months unf ol ded, Char l otte b r av el y l ook ed at her c hi l dhood, i nv esti gated her i nter nal i zed messages, and opened her sel f to b ei ng i n the w or l d i n a new w ay . She w as w i l l i ng to do the “Ful l Cup” ex er c i se ev er y day unti l i t b ec ame hab i tual , b ec ause she di dn’t w ant to l ose Gene and she w anted to f eel l i k e a w hol e per son. I noti c ed that, as ti me w ent b y , she b egan to smi l e mor e, to r eac h out to Gene i n sessi ons, and to speak posi ti v el y ab out her sel f . I k new that i t w as ti me to end our w or k

together w hen Char l otte c oul d r ec ei v e Gene’s l ov e, k now that she deser v ed i t, and gi v e i t b ac k i n ab undanc e. REF LECTI ON: How c oul d y our mar r i age i mpr ov e i f y ou l i v ed a l i f e gr ounded i n sel f -l ov e?

HABI T 55

Heartstrings PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e separ ated f r om y our b el ov ed i n a soc i al si tuati on—a par ty , a gather i ng, a l ar ge c r ow d HABI T: Mak e ey e c ontac t w i th y our par tner and di sc r etel y tug on y our ear l ob e. PURPOSE: It’s easy to f eel di stant f r om y our honey w hen y ou’r e sur r ounded b y a gr oup of peopl e. A s y ou mak e ey e c ontac t and tug on y our ear , thi s pr i v ate and phy si c al l y i nti mate si gn w i l l i nstantl y c onnec t y ou and r emi nd y ou that y ou l ov e and ar e l ov ed. Thi s f amous ear l ob e tug w as c ov er tl y i ntr oduc ed i n 1 967 dur i ng the CBS v ar i ety hour , Th e Carol Burnett S h ow . Car ol ended ev er y show w i th the same song and a tug on her ear l ob e. It w as a pr i v ate “I l ov e y ou” si gn meant f or her gr andmother w ho had r ai sed her . Onc e y our sw eethear t k now s the meani ng of the si gn, she’l l b e assur ed that she’s at the c enter of y our hear t, ev en w hen sur r ounded b y a c r ow d.

It w asn’t that Rosa di sl i k ed Mi guel ’s f ami l y . In f ac t, she r eal l y l ov ed her mother -i n-l aw and the enti r e gang of Mi guel ’s si b l i ngs, spouses, and thei r c hi l dr en. Hi s f our b r other s, w i th thei r w i v es and c hi l dr en, made up a r ow dy c r ow d of tw enty -f our peopl e. How ev er , Rosa c ompl ai ned to me, “W henev er w e go ov er ther e f or di nner , Mi guel ends up w i th hi s b r other s pl ay i ng pool f or hour s. I get stuc k i n the k i tc hen pr epar i ng f ood w i th al l the other w omen. The k i ds r un ar ound l i k e w i l d ani mal s. I enjoy the ev eni ngs i n some w ay s, b ut I nev er f eel c l ose to Mi guel . In f ac t, i t seems l i k e he har dl y noti c es me.” I suggested that she tel l hi m ab out thi s si gn and then use i t sev er al ti mes dur i ng the ev eni ng. She tol d me that she w i shed that he w oul d b e the one to use the si gn f or her , b ec ause he w as the one w ho seemed to i gnor e her . I ex pl ai ned to her that she c oul dn’t nec essar i l y c hange hi s b ehav i or b ut she c oul d f oc us on her ow n. Someti mes w hen y ou bec om e the c hange that y ou w i sh, y ou c reate the c hange that y ou w i sh. The nex t ti me I saw Rosa, she smi l ed demur el y . “The f i r st ti me I tr i ed usi ng the si gn, i t di dn’t seem to r egi ster . But then I di d i t agai n, and I got suc h a b eauti f ul smi l e f r om Mi guel . A f ter that, he used i t f or me!” “It w as a sub tl e shi f t,” she c onti nued, “b ut i t w as f un and made a r eal di f f er enc e. I f el t b etter ab out the ev eni ng w i th hi s f ami l y . May b e those par ti es ar en’t so b ad af ter al l .”

REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to i ni ti ate the c hange that y ou desi r e?

HABI T 56

Angel Wings PROMPT: W hen y our par tner seems sad, ti r ed, or anx i ous HABI T: Si t nex t to y our spouse and sy nc up y our b r eathi ng. Do thi s b y putti ng y our hand on hi s b ac k or hi s b el l y . N oti c e the patter n of hi s b r eathi ng and then star t to matc h the r hy thm w i th y our ow n b r eathi ng. Spend a f ew moments b r eathi ng together . A t the end of thi s ex per i enc e, k i ss y our par tner tender l y and sof tl y on hi s ey el i ds, f i r st one ey el i d and then the other . PURPOSE: Thi s hab i t i s l i k e a l i f el i ne w hen y our spouse i s f eel i ng adr i f t. Gay and Kathl y n Hendr i c k s, author s of Cons c ious Lov ing, adv i se that c oupl es i ntenti onal l y b r eathe together on a r egul ar b asi s. The si mpl e ac t of matc hi ng y our par tner ’s b r eathi ng, they say , c hanges y our state of c onsc i ousness. It c r eates a r eal b ut magi c al ener gy b etw een y ou. Ki ssi ng the v ul ner ab l e and tender spot of y our spouse’s ey el i d ac tual l y sti mul ates y our b ody i n a w ay that c ontr i b utes to f eel i ng b onded. The c omb i nati on of touc hi ng, b r eathi ng, and k i ssi ng c r eates a sense of emoti onal saf ety and spi r i tual gr oundi ng.

Qui nc y and Mar i ah had onl y b een mar r i ed f or thr ee y ear s w hen they c ame to see me. They had b een tr y i ng to hav e a b ab y dur i ng that enti r e ti me b ut to no av ai l . In f ac t, ev en though Mar i ah w as onl y thi r ty -f i v e, she had a l ong hi stor y of gy nec ol ogi c al i ssues. The l ast b l ow had just oc c ur r ed w hen Mar i ah w as r ec entl y adv i sed to hav e a hy ster ec tomy . Cl ear l y thei r dr eam of c onc ei v i ng a b ab y w as now ov er . They tol d me they w er en’t i nter ested i n adopti on. Instead they w anted to adjust to the r eal i ty that they w oul d not hav e c hi l dr en. A s they desc r i b ed thei r si tuati on to me, Qui nc y l ook ed dazed. Mar i ah b egan to c r y sof tl y , l ook i ng i nc r easi ngl y mor e di str essed. Qui nc y thr ew up hi s hands as he gazed at her , say i ng, “Ther e’s nothi ng I c an do.” I sai d si mpl y , “A c tual l y , ther e i s.” “But I c an’t c hange our c i r c umstanc es,” he c ounter ed. “N o, b ut y ou c an pr ov i de emoti onal suppor t, w hi c h i s w hat she needs most,” I adv i sed. “You c an b e ther e f or her , a l ov i ng pr esenc e, so she k now s she i sn’t al one.” Mar i ah b egan c r y i ng har der now , say i ng, “He doesn’t k now how to do that.” I i nstr uc ted Qui nc y , “If y ou’r e w i l l i ng, c oul d y ou put y our hand on her b ac k ? I w ant y ou to f eel her b r eathi ng.” He w as w i l l i ng and so w e spent the nex t f ew mi nutes w i th Qui nc y c uei ng i n to her b r eathi ng, w hi c h w ent f r om r agged and shal l ow to deep and sl ow . By the ti me he of f er ed her k i sses on her ey el i ds as per my di r ec ti on, she had

c al med dow n c onsi der ab l y . She, i n tur n, f el t spontaneousl y mov ed to k i ss hi s ey el i ds. I summar i zed, “That’s w hat y ou c an do … no matter w hat the c i r c umstanc es.” REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to b e ther e f or y our spouse, to c omf or t her , ev en w hen y ou c annot c hange y our c i r c umstanc es?

HABI T 57

Heart to Heart PROMPT: If y ou’r e star ti ng to f eel di stant f r om y our mate HABI T: Put y our hand on y our b el ov ed’s hear t and ask her to put her hand on y our hear t. Then hum a note and hav e y our spouse hum i t w i th y ou, matc hi ng the tone. Hum together unti l one of y ou c hanges the note. Matc h agai n and hum. PURPOSE: W hen y ou f eel di stant f r om y our spouse, thi s si mpl e hab i t w i l l qui c k l y r eal i gn y ou and mak e y ou f eel c onnec ted. Touc hi ng eac h other ov er the hear t sti mul ates the b ondi ng hor mone of ox y toc i n. Shar i ng the same sound w av es c r eates a f r equenc y of c onnec ti on. Sound v i b r ates thr ough y our c el l s and uni tes y ou i n a c ommon v i b r ati on. Mak i ng a hab i t of joi ni ng

thr ough sound and touc h r emi nds y ou that y ou ar e together i n l i f e and that y our mar r i age i s a pr i or i ty . I sat w i th a gr oup of thr ee mi ddl e-aged w omen ov er l unc h, al l of us al r eady or c l ose to b ei ng empty nester s, or , as I l i k e to say , f r ee b i r ds. One had just l aunc hed her f i nal c hi l d and w as mar v el i ng at how muc h ti me she and her husb and w er e spendi ng together . Hi l l ar y l ow er ed her v oi c e and c onf essed, “You al l k now that Ri c k and I w er e sor t of dr i f ti ng f r om eac h other the past c oupl e of y ear s. W e w er e just so b usy w i th the k i ds and our c ar eer s … b ut l uc k i l y , nei ther of us str ay ed outsi de the mar r i age. N ow that i t’s just the tw o of us agai n, w e r eal i ze that w e r eal l y do l ov e eac h other .” I’v e hear d i t sai d that hav i ng c hi l dr en i s l i k e thr ow i ng a hand gr enade i nto a mar r i age. Bei ng a par ent i s w onder f ul and i s ob v i ousl y ex tr emel y i mpor tant f or the pr opagati on of the spec i es, b ut i t c an tur n a happy mar r i age upsi de dow n. W hen di str ac ted b y the l ab or -i ntensi v e w or k of r ai si ng c hi l dr en, y ou hav e to b e espec i al l y mi ndf ul as a c oupl e to k eep y our c onnec ti on a pr i or i ty (and that’s w her e the 7 5 hab i ts c an hel p!). Some c oupl es f i nd thei r w ay b ac k to eac h other w hen thei r nest i s empty , b ut sadl y , other c oupl es get l ost and nev er r ec onnec t. “W hat k i nd of thi ngs ar e y ou doi ng together ?” I pr ob ed. Hi l l ar y smi l ed mi sc hi ev ousl y , “W e’r e hav i ng sex agai n!” The thr ee of us c heer ed. “A nd w e’r e pl ay i ng tenni s together . Oh, and w e’r e hummi ng together .”

“Hummi ng?” w e ask ed i n uni son. “I guess b ec ause Ri c k i s a musi c teac her , y ou k now , b ut he just star ted hummi ng to me and then, one day , I hummed b ac k . N ow w e stand c l ose to eac h other and tak e tur ns matc hi ng notes,” Hi l l ar y sai d sheepi shl y . She c onti nued, “I w i sh w e had thought to do thi s y ear s ago. If onl y he had hummed to me w hen the k i ds w er e gr ow i ng up, I mi ght not hav e f el t so l onel y . I k now i t sounds si l l y b ut w hen w e matc h tones, I c an sor t of f eel my sel f getti ng i n sy nc w i th hi m.” “W hat a gr eat i dea,” I sai d. “Tr y putti ng y our hands on eac h other ’s hear ts w hi l e y ou hum. Touc h and sound together ar e an amazi ng c omb i nati on.” W e al l agr eed to go home and tr y thi s new hab i t. Dan and I hav e b een usi ng i t together ev er si nc e. REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to b e the one to i ni ti ate c onnec ti on, ev en w hen y ou’r e f eel i ng di stant f r om y our spouse?

HABI T 58

Penny PROMPT: W hen y ou or y our dar l i ng i s si tti ng i n si l enc e and y ou’d l i k e to star t a c onv er sati on HABI T: Say “penny ” (as i n, “f or y our thoughts”). Your spouse shoul d say i mmedi atel y w hat he or she w as just

thi nk i ng and b e unc ensor ed and honest. Hear thi s tr ue answ er , w hatev er i t may b e. PURPOSE: You w ant y our b el ov ed to k now y ou … and y ou w ant to k now hi s or her deepest thoughts as w el l . W hen y ou c ul ti v ate the hab i t of i nqui r i ng ab out y our spouse’s i nner w or l d—and shar i ng y our w or l d i n r etur n—y ou c ome to k now eac h other b etter . Inti mac y i s b ui l t on the i dea of shar i ng y our sel v es w i th eac h other . Car i ng enough to b e i nter ested i n y our mate’s thoughts i s an attr ac ti v e qual i ty . Demonstr ati ng that y ou c ar e, and that y ou’r e w i l l i ng to hear the tr ue answ er , i ndi c ates y our c ommi tment to y our mar r i age. A pr er equi si te to thi s hab i t, of c our se, i s f eel i ng emoti onal l y saf e w i th y our spouse. Your par tner needs to f eel shel ter ed i n or der to tr ul y shar e and r ev eal hi msel f . Li k ew i se, y ou al so need to f eel saf e to b e r ec epti v e and gi v i ng. A l l of the hab i ts i n thi s b ook ar e ab out b ui l di ng that emoti onal saf ety w i th y our spouse. Regi na tol d me her husb and c ompl ai ns that he nev er k now s w hat she’s thi nk i ng. He say s that she’s har d to r ead and nev er shar es her sel f w i th hi m. “Is that tr ue?” I ask ed her . “A r e y ou i ntenti onal l y not tal k i ng w i th hi m ab out c er tai n i ssues or f eel i ngs?” “W el l ac tual l y … y es,” she answ er ed. “Ev en though I k now I shoul d b e ab l e to tel l hi m any thi ng, I f eel emb ar r assed. May b e he doesn’t w ant to k now w hat’s r eal l y on my mi nd.”

“A r e y ou w i l l i ng to pl ay a game to hel p hi m k now w hat y ou’r e thi nk i ng? I thi nk i t w i l l hel p the tw o of y ou get c l oser . He ob v i ousl y w ants to k now y ou b etter and k now w hat y ou’r e r eal l y f eel i ng,” I sai d. W e di sc ussed the “Penny ” hab i t, and she agr eed to tr y i t. The nex t w eek she c ame i n to r epor t that the game w as a huge suc c ess. “I f eel l i k e w e’r e getti ng to k now eac h other on a w hol e new l ev el ,” she sai d, b l ushi ng. “For b oth of us, w e’v e nev er f el t c l oser .” REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to b e honest w i th y our par tner ab out y our thoughts? Do y ou b el i ev e y ou hav e thoughts y ou need to hi de? W hat i s the c ost f or doi ng so?

HABI T 59

Phone Home PROMPT: A t ni ght i f y ou ar e i n separ ate pl ac es and ar e hav i ng a phone c onv er sati on HABI T: End the c onv er sati on w i th a “phone hug.” You shoul d b oth c l ose y our ey es and i magi ne y our sel v es i n the same pl ac e, ei ther standi ng or l y i ng dow n. Tel l y our par tner how i t f eel s to hug hi m or her , w hat y ou f eel and w hat y ou i magi ne. Pi c tur e y our sel f i n that emb r ac e. Tak e at l east si x ty sec onds w i th thi s hab i t.

A l though moder n tec hnol ogy w i th Sk y pe and Fac eTi me mak e v i sual s possi b l e, thi s hab i t uses audi o onl y and r equi r es b oth of y ou to c l ose y our ey es. PURPOSE: W hen y ou i ntenti onal l y c onnec t emoti onal l y dur i ng a ti me of phy si c al separ ati on, y ou c r eate a saf ety net f or y our r el ati onshi p. You af f i r m y our c ommi tment to eac h other and to the heal th of y our mar r i age. Hav i ng y our ey es c l osed hel ps y ou summon v i sual and sensual detai l s i n y our i magi nati on. You may or may not tal k as y ou engage i n thi s v i r tual hug, b ut ei ther w ay , y ou’l l b e c r eati ng a sense of uni on that mak es y ou f eel c l oser … ev en w hen y ou’r e f ar apar t. Shar on’s f i r st husb and, Ji m, w as a pi l ot. They had b een mar r i ed f or ni ne y ear s, and i n al l that ti me, she had nev er gotten ac c ustomed to hi s f r equent depar tur es. A f ter they had thei r f i r st c hi l d, i t got w or se. She c ompl ai ned that she w as a “w or k w i dow .” W hen he mov ed f r om the domesti c r oute to the l onger ab senc es of an i nter nati onal r oute, she c r i ed. How ev er , ov er ti me, she l ear ned not to r eac t … and ev entual l y , not to ev en noti c e. She b egan to dr ead hi s r etur ns b ec ause she had l ear ned to r un the househol d so ef f ec ti v el y w i thout hi m. W hen she l ear ned he w as hav i ng an af f ai r i n Tok y o, she f i l ed f or di v or c e w i th l i ttl e emoti on. She w oul d al w ay s b l ame hi s c ar eer f or her psy c hol ogi c al w i thdr aw al and f or the death of thei r mar r i age.

N ow , a dec ade l ater , w i th thi s emoti onal b aggage i n tow , I under stood w hen Shar on c r i ed hy ster i c al l y upon l ear ni ng that her sec ond husb and, A nthony , w as goi ng on a b usi ness tr i p. N ot onl y di d she f eel ab andoned, she b el i ev ed thi s tr i p si gnal ed the b egi nni ng of the end of her mar r i age. I assur ed her i t di dn’t need to b e thi s w ay . She c oul d put hab i ts i n pl ac e to ensur e that she and A nthony stay ed c l ose ev en w i th mi l es b etw een them. “Di d y ou ev er tal k on the phone w i th Ji m w hen he tr av el ed?” I ask ed. “Oh, sur e, he c al l ed ev er y ni ght. He ask ed ab out the k i ds, i f he had r ec ei v ed any mai l , i f I had pai d the b i l l s. You k now , just or di nar y c hi tc hat,” Shar on r epl i ed. “W el l I’d l i k e y ou to tr y somethi ng di f f er ent,” I suggested. I tol d her ab out the “Phone Hug” hab i t. She sai d she w oul d tr y i t. Dur i ng our nex t sessi on, Shar on r epor ted that the phone hug had b een a b i g hi t. She desc r i b ed i t as b ei ng k i nd of sex y . They had l ow er ed thei r v oi c es and desc r i b ed nuzzl i ng i nto eac h other ’s nec k s and w r appi ng thei r ar ms ar ound eac h other . “It w as al most spook y ,” she sai d, “I c oul d l i ter al l y f eel a shi v er dow n my spi ne just b y i magi ni ng hi m nex t to me.” She c onti nued, “I sti l l w oul d r ather he not tr av el , b ut emoti onal pr esenc e sur e does mak e phy si c al ab senc e mor e tol er ab l e.” REF LECTI ON: A r e y ou w i l l i ng to stay c onnec ted ev en w hen y ou ar e phy si c al l y apar t?

HABI T 60

Sticky Honey PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e l eav i ng on a tr i p (how ev er shor t or l ong) HABI T: W r i te a b r i ef l ov e note f or y our dear one and put i t i n a sur pr i se pl ac e (i n her l unc h b ox , on the b athr oom mi r r or , i n the f r i dge, i n a soc k dr aw er , on her pi l l ow , i n a pur se or b r i ef c ase, on her c omputer sc r een). U se just a f ew w or ds (ev en “XO” c an mak e an i mpac t). PURPOSE: W hen y ou w r i te “honey notes” f or y our spouse to f i nd w hen y ou tr av el , y ou of f er her c onstant r emi nder s of y our l ov e. Let y our b el ov ed k now that ev en w hen y ou’r e separ ated, y ou ar e thi nk i ng of her and doi ng y our b est to nur tur e the mar r i age. Li ttl e l ov e notes ar e a gi f t to y our spouse. A c c or di ng to Gar y Chapman, author of Th e Fiv e Lov e Languages : Th e S ec ret to Lov e Th at Las ts , gi f ts ar e one of the w ay s to c ommuni c ate l ov e. (He i denti f i es f i v e c ategor i es of l ov e ex pr essi on: touc h, gi f ts, ac ts of ser v i c e, qual i ty ti me, and v er b al af f i r mati on.) If y ou adopt thi s hab i t, y ou’l l ensur e that y our spouse f eel s tr easur ed and c her i shed. Putti ng Post-i ts i n sur pr i si ng pl ac es al so c r eates nov el ty and f un, ther eb y sti mul ati ng a smal l dose of dopami ne (a f eel -good b r ai n c hemi c al ) f or y our mate. N ote: A l ter natel y , i f y our spouse i s goi ng on the tr i p, y ou c an put sur pr i se l ov e notes i n her sui tc ase or b ag.

“The r eal i ssue c oupl es hav e i n the tw enty -f i r st c entur y i s that they don’t tak e the ti me to nur tur e thei r b ond. Ev er y thi ng el se tak es pr i or i ty ,” sai d the c oupl es ex per t. She w as a seasoned c l i ni c i an teac hi ng a gr oup of f or ty mental heal th pr of essi onal s ab out “Emoti onal l y Foc used Ther apy ” f or c oupl es. She pr oc eeded to tel l us of a c oupl e w i th w hom she had just suc c essf ul l y ended tr eatment. She sai d, “I k new they r eal l y di dn’t need c ounsel i ng any mor e w hen he tol d me that hi s w i f e l eav es sti c k y l ov e notes i n hi s l unc h b ox ev er y day .” Sev er al peopl e ar ound me si ghed. “I k now ,” our stor y tel l er c onti nued. “Can y ou i magi ne i f I f ound a l ov e note i n my sui tc ase f r om my husb and toni ght? I w oul d b e so ex c i ted. I k now he l ov es me b ut he just w oul d nev er thi nk to do that. I mean, w ho w oul d?” “Dan w oul d,” I thought. “Dan al r eady di d.” Dan al w ay s l eav es sti c k y l ov e notes i n my sui tc ase i f I tr av el w i thout hi m. A nd i f he tr av el s w i thout me, I f i nd hi dden notes al l ov er the house—i n my desk , i n my pur se, b esi de my toothb r ush. He taught me, w i th just a f ew l i ttl e sc r aps of paper , how sw eet i t i s to f eel v al ued and spec i al . Onc e y ou b egi n assoc i ati ng y our sui tc ase and tr av el toi l etr i es w i th a pen and pad of sti c k y notes, y ou’l l easi l y dev el op thi s hab i t. The notes don’t need to b e el ab or ate or f anc y —just a smal l w ay to l et y our honey k now that he matter s to y ou. It’s espec i al l y i mpor tant f or y our spouse to f eel l i k e he’s i mpor tant to y ou w hen y ou’r e phy si c al l y apar t. A s y ou

tr av el , i t’s easy to get c aught up and star t to f eel separ ate f r om y our home l i f e. Thi s hab i t hel ps y ou stay c onnec ted ev en w hen y ou’r e di v i ded. Let ab senc e mak e the hear t gr ow f onder (and not si mpl y out of si ght, out of mi nd). REF LECTI ON: How c onnec ted do y ou f eel w hen y ou ar e apar t f r om y our spouse?

HABI T 61

Baby Doll PROMPT: W hen y ou gr eet eac h other and/or w hen y ou ar e together i n the b edr oom HABI T: U se a pet name or ni c k name w hen y ou addr ess y our spouse. If y ou al r eady use ni c k names, tr y a new one. Some ex ampl es of c ommon ter ms of endear ment ar e sugar , good l ook i n’, l ov er , sw eeti e pi e, ti ger , teddy b ear , sex y l ady , musc l e man, sugar l i ps, b ab y dol l , etc . A l l ow y our sel f to b e c r eati v e and gener ousl y f l atter i ng. Consi der c omi ng up w i th sw eet, si l l y , or c ompl i mentar y w or ds f or “pr i v ate par ts” as w el l . PURPOSE: W hen y ou dev el op the hab i t of pl ay f ul ni c k names i n y our r el ati onshi p, y ou add a di mensi on of f un, spontanei ty , and uni queness to y our mar r i age. If y ou al r eady hav e some tr i ed and tr ue pet names f or y our spouse, thi s tool i nv i tes y ou to b e i ntenti onal ab out c hangi ng

thi ngs up and b ei ng f r eshl y appr ec i ati v e. Tr eat the “Bab y Dol l ” hab i t as a game and see w hat sti c k s. Dr s. Char l es and El i zab eth Sc hmi tz, pr eemi nent c oupl es ther api sts, state i n thei r b ook , Building a Lov e Th at Las ts : Th e S ev en S urpris ing S ec rets of S uc c es s ful Marriage, that l ov i ng ni c k names ar e al most a ub i qui tous c har ac ter i sti c of happi l y mar r i ed c oupl es. They c al l ni c k names a “pr i v ate c ode f or l ov e.” Ev er y happy mar r i age has i ts ow n v er b al and phy si c al c ues f or “I l ov e y ou.” Sec r et pet names and pub l i c ni c k names ar e one w ay to k eep l ov e f l ow i ng i n y our mar r i age. Ev er y c oupl e i s di f f er ent i n the degr ee to w hi c h they use pl ay f ul names. Some onl y use them i n pr i v ate, other s onl y i n pub l i c . Some c oupl es al w ay s use a ni c k name to r ef er to thei r spouse, w hi l e other s use one onl y i n the b edr oom. You w i l l b e sur pr i sed how a new ni c k name w i l l c har ge up the tender ex pr essi on i n y our spouse’s ey es. Onc e dur i ng a v i si t to Tennessee, Dan and I w er e a b i t star tl ed w hen the w ai ter c ame to our tab l e and sai d, “Ok ay , sugar b un and honey pi e … w hat c an I gi t y ’al l to dr i nk ?” A f ter the w ai ter l ef t, I ask ed, “W hi c h one of us i s honey pi e?” Dan l aughed and sai d, “Hey , I’m not gonna l et that w ai ter tal k sw eeter to y ou than I do … b ab y dol l … honey l i ps.” For the r est of that tr i p, w e adopted thi c k souther n ac c ents and dev el oped i nc r easi ngl y c r eati v e ter ms of endear ment f or eac h other . A l though pet names may seem,

on the sur f ac e, r ather r i di c ul ous, they ex pr ess f un, admi r ati on, and l ov e. You’l l need to f i nd the r i ght patter n f or y ou, b ut one thi ng i s f or c er tai n: W hen y ou use v er b al c odes to c ommuni c ate the uni que l ov e y ou hav e f or y our spouse, y our c onnec ti on c omes al i v e and the “us” spac e b l ossoms. REF LECTI ON: N oti c e w hat ener gy b egi ns to emer ge w hen y ou b ec ome v er b al l y pl ay f ul w i th y our spouse.

HABI T 62

Go Public PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e w i th y our spouse at a par ty or at a f ami l y gather i ng HABI T: Compl i ment y our spouse i n hi s or her pr esenc e i n pub l i c . Be gener ous and authenti c i n y our pr ai se. PURPOSE: Your spouse w ants to f eel i mpor tant and v al ued i n y our ey es. W hen y ou mak e a hab i t of c ompl i menti ng y our mate i n f r ont of other peopl e, y ou pub l i c l y dec l ar e y our admi r ati on f or her . A ddi ti onal l y , y ou str engthen y our ow n ab i l i ty to appr ec i ate y our mate. Fi nal l y , w hen y ou pr ac ti c e thi s hab i t i n pub l i c , y ou model to other s how happy c oupl es b ehav e. The f l i p si de of thi s, a deepl y damagi ng hab i t f or y our mar r i age, i s pub l i c l y i nsul ti ng or humi l i ati ng y our mate—

ev en i f i t i s i n a teasi ng w ay . Ev er y so-c al l ed “jok e” has an el ement of tr uth. W hen y ou mak e f un of y our spouse at a par ty or gather i ng, y ou w eak en y our b ond. Let other s k now y ou thi nk y our spouse i s ter r i f i c . Let y our c hi l dr en k now y ou thi nk y our par tner i s amazi ng. Mak e y our spouse f eel c her i shed i n a w hol e new w ay . Ri c har d and Suzanne w anted desper atel y to b e c l oser to eac h other —they had si mpl y l ost thei r w ay . A f ter tw enty y ear s of r ai si ng k i ds and adv anc i ng thei r c ar eer s, they had dev el oped hab i ts of di stanc e and i ndependenc e. Suzanne c l ai med that she tr i ed to ex pr ess l ov e f or Ri c har d—she made hi m c of f ee i n the mor ni ng and pi c k ed up hi s dr y c l eani ng and c ook ed hi s di nner —b ut he al w ay s seemed di ssati sf i ed. She di dn’t k now w hat to do. I ex pl ai ned to Ri c har d and Suzanne that w e al l ex pr ess and r ec ei v e l ov e i n di f f er ent w ay s. In a model (menti oned pr ev i ousl y i n Hab i t 60) popul ar i zed b y Gar y Chapman, author of Th e Fiv e Lov e Languages : Th e S ec ret to Lov e Th at Las ts , he i denti f i es f i v e c ategor i es of l ov e ex pr essi on: touc h, gi f ts, ac ts of ser v i c e, qual i ty ti me, and v er b al af f i r mati on. W hi l e w e r espond to al l f i v e, eac h of us tends to hav e one pr ef er r ed l ov e l anguage. Ther ef or e, i f y ou ex pr ess l ov e pr i mar i l y w i th touc h, b ut y our spouse r eal l y pr ef er s gi f ts, i t’s as i f y ou’r e speak i ng Ital i an b ut she onl y under stands Chi nese. You’r e speak i ng past eac h other . I menti oned my c at, w ho b r i ngs me dead b i r ds and mi c e as a l ov e of f er i ng. I thank her b ut ex pl ai n that dead ani mal s ar e not my l ov e l anguage!

I poi nted out that Suzanne w as usi ng ac ts of ser v i c e as an ex pr essi on of l ov e, b ut they w er en’t r egi ster i ng f or Ri c har d. A s w e ex pl or ed f ur ther , Ri c har d r eal i zed that he c r av ed v er b al af f i r mati on (c ompl i ments, appr ec i ati on, w or ds). I suggested to Suzanne that she l av i sh hi m ov er the nex t w eek w i th pr ai se, b oth pr i v atel y and pub l i c l y . Dur i ng thei r nex t sessi on sev er al w eek s l ater , Ri c har d b eamed, “N ow w e’r e getti ng somew her e … I r eal l y do f eel her l ov e! She c ompl i ments me al l the ti me now —ev en to my b oss and my f r i ends. I’v e nev er f el t b etter . In f ac t, i t k i nd of mak es me w ant to b e the man she b el i ev es me to b e.” Onc e y our mate tel l s y ou and other s the qual i ti es i n y ou she pr i zes—y our gener osi ty , k i ndness, humor , c ompassi on—y ou str i v e to i nc r ease these qual i ti es. Your spouse’s pr ai se star ts to ex pand y our b est natur e … and y our pr ai se star ts to ex pand h er b est natur e. Suzanne sai d, “It mak es me happy to k now that he’s happy . A nd w hen he’s f eel i ng f ul f i l l ed, I c an see that he’s tr y i ng to mak e me happy . It f eel s l i k e a w i n-w i n.” REF LECTI ON: How do y ou see y our mate di f f er entl y as y ou hi ghl i ght hi s or her posi ti v e attr i b utes?

HABI T 63

Only You PROMPT: A t l east onc e a day

HABI T: W hi sper and/or si gn to y our spouse y our pr i v ate c ode that say s, “I l ov e y ou.” Thi s i s a si gn that y ou b oth c r eate and i s k now n onl y to the tw o of y ou. It i s a si gn that y ou l ov e eac h other “tr ul y , madl y , deepl y .” PURPOSE: Dr s. Char l es and El i zab eth Sc hmi tz, author s of Building a Lov e Th at Las ts , hav e b een r esear c hi ng happi l y mar r i ed c oupl es i n f or ty -si x c ountr i es ov er the c our se of thr ee dec ades. They b el i ev e that smal l dai l y moments ar e the f oundati on f or a heal thy mar r i age. Say i ng “I l ov e y ou” i n a hear tf el t w ay i s one of thei r r ec ommended dai l y ac ti v i ti es. Letti ng y our spouse k now that he’s l ov ed v al i dates hi s pl ac e i n y our l i f e. A l so, w hen y ou ex pr ess l ov e dai l y , i t hel ps k eep y our ow n hear t open and f l ex i b l e to the unex pec ted. Hav i ng a s ec ret si gn (k now n onl y to the tw o of y ou) emphasi zes i nti mac y and ex c l usi v i ty . W hether i t’s v er b al or phy si c al , i t shoul d b e appr opr i ate to use i n pub l i c so i t c an b e used f r equentl y . Si nc e “l ov e” i s a w or d that i s of ten used f r eel y to desc r i b e f eel i ngs tow ar d c hi l dr en, par ents, f r i ends, and ev en y our f av or i te f oods or mov i es, a pr i v ate si gn b r i ngs a uni que, hei ghtened qual i ty to the ex pr essi on. It w as the mor ni ng of Dan’s sur ger y to r emov e a c anc er ous pol y p. A s y ou c an i magi ne, i t w as a day f r aught w i th many emoti ons. Dan w as r esti ng i n a b ed, al r eady f eel i ng r el ax ed f r om the i ni ti al sedati v e. I w as doi ng my b est to r emai n c al m. A s the c heer f ul anesthesi ol ogi st w heel ed Dan to the

oper ati ng r oom, they stopped at the “k i ssi ng c or ner ” w her e I c oul d say goodb y e. I mi ght hav e thought of the other s b ef or e me w ho stood at thi s c or ner sendi ng thei r l ov ed ones of f to sur ger y w i th a k i ss and a pr ay er f or a posi ti v e outc ome. I mi ght hav e thought of the attendant, w ho must hear tear f ul “I l ov e y ou’s” at thi s c or ner mul ti pl e ti mes a day . But at that moment, onl y Dan and our sec r et si gn w as on my mi nd. I l eaned ov er to k i ss hi m and shar ed our sec r et sy mb ol of l ov e and c onnec ti on. My ey es f i l l ed w i th tear s as they w heel ed hi m of f , b ut I w as ex tr emel y gr atef ul that w e had a pr i v ate sy mb ol of l ov e k now n onl y to the tw o of us. REF LECTI ON: How has y our c hi l dhood ex per i enc e of l ov e i nf l uenc ed how y ou ex pr ess l ov e now as an adul t? W hen y ou w er e gr ow i ng up, w as l ov e f r eel y ex pr essed?

HABI T 64

Magic PROMPT: W hen y our par tner seems sad, str essed, or i n need of an emoti onal pi c k -me-up HABI T: Hav e a c onv er sati on w i th y our spouse to hel p deter mi ne the magi c w or ds that mak e hi m or her f eel the most l ov ed and most v al ued. Onc e y ou k now these

i ndi v i dual l y tai l or ed w or ds that mak e y our spouse’s hear t si ng, go to y our b el ov ed and w hi sper them. PURPOSE: Thi s hab i t tak es the i nsi de tr ac k i nto the b ody , mi nd, hear t, and soul of y our spouse. Just as y ou mi ght k now ex ac tl y w hat b utton to push to r eal l y hur t her deepl y (a b utton y ou shoul d not b e pushi ng), y ou need to k now and use the w or ds that espec i al l y touc h her hear t. By k now i ng her v ul ner ab i l i ti es, her deepest f ear s and c onc er ns, y ou c an di sc ov er the w or ds that w i l l soothe l i k e a magi c al el i x i r of c omf or ti ng l ov e. Onc e y ou l ear n her spec i al w or ds, use them f r equentl y . These l ov i ng, heal i ng w or ds ar e c ustom desi gned to r esonate. The w or ds y ou use c an ei ther r eassur e her of y our l ov e and y our c ommi tment, or suppor t her i n a w ay that r educ es str ess. W hen y ou tak e on the c ommi tment of mar r i age, y ou al so agr ee to hel p y our spouse i n b oth good ti mes and b ad ti mes. W hen y ou see that she i s str uggl i ng i n some w ay , y ou c an i gnor e her or assi st her . Choosi ng to hel p her r estor e b al anc e to her emoti onal w or l d i s k now n as “c o-r egul ati on.” It i s a c ommon hab i t among happi l y mar r i ed c oupl es. W hen y ou use the magi c w or ds, y ou hel p y our par tner c ome to her c al m c enter w hen she c an’t qui te get ther e on her ow n. Magi c w or ds ar e spec i f i c al l y di f f er ent and y et uni v er sal l y the same f or ev er y one: “You ar e my top pr i or i ty .” “I w i l l b e w i th y ou f or ev er .”

“You hav e c hanged my l i f e f or the b etter .” “I am c ompl etel y happy w i th our l i f e.” “You ar e my her o.” “You c an depend on me no matter w hat.” “I tr ust y ou.” “I am her e f or y ou.” I hav e hear d a man, w hose mother di ed w hen he w as y oung, r espond to the w or ds of hi s w i f e: “I am her e f or y ou, al w ay s.” I hav e seen a w oman, w hose al c ohol i c f ather i gnor ed her , r eac t to the w or ds of her husb and: “I tr easur e y ou b ey ond al l the r i c hes i n the w or l d.” I l ov e hel pi ng c oupl es f i nd the w or ds that w i l l speak to thei r spouse, w or ds that hav e a “zi nger ” qual i ty i n thei r pow er . Someti mes f i ndi ng the magi c w or ds c an heal y ear s of sor r ow and pai n. Reggi e w as a k i nd man w ho had gr ow n up w i th the message that he w as “no good.” He had b een a medi oc r e student i n sc hool , had nev er gone to c ol l ege, b ut had l i v ed a dec ent l i f e w or k i ng f or a c onstr uc ti on c ompany . Reggi e had spent f i f teen y ear s i n a mar r i age i n w hi c h hi s w i f e b er ated hi m f or not mak i ng enough money and not b ei ng amb i ti ous. Deep dow n he b el i ev ed her w hen she sai d he w as a “l oser .” It w as a message that w as c omf or tab l y f ami l i ar ev en as i t str i pped hi m of hi s sel f -esteem. W hen I i ntr oduc ed the i dea of magi c w or ds to Reggi e and hi s sec ond w i f e, Tani a, he k new w hat w or ds he had al w ay s l onged to hear : “Reggi e, y ou ar e a f antasti c husb and and a w onder f ul man.” For tunatel y , Tani a b el i ev ed thi s so

i t w as easy f or her to tel l thi s to her husb and on a r egul ar b asi s. Tani a k new that w hen she used these poi gnant w or ds, not onl y w as she c onv ey i ng a heal i ng message, she w as doi ng ev er y thi ng i n her pow er to mak e Reggi e f eel spec i al . She tol d me that as she di d so, she c oul d f eel her hear t ex pand to b ur sti ng. Thi s hab i t i s a w i n-w i n f or b oth par tner s. REF LECTI ON: How do y ou f eel w hen y ou gi v e y our l ov er the gi f t of w or ds that heal hi s hear t and l i f t hi s spi r i t?

CHAPTER 9

The Wind Beneath My Wings: Habits to Connect You in Spirit In one w ay or another , ev er y mar r i age has an i mpac t on the w or l d. Your c omb i ned total i s gr eater than the sum of y our par ts. A mi d al l the mi l l i ons of peopl e i n the w or l d, the tw o of y ou f ound eac h other , and y ou hav e a pur pose i n y our uni on. W hen y ou see y our sel f as b ei ng par t of a l ar ger w hol e, y ou r ec ogni ze the i mpor t of y our together ness. Per haps y ou c ame together to c r eate and/or r ai se c hi l dr en, to hel p eac h other heal , and to b r i ng out the b est i n eac h other . Per haps y our desti ny i s ab out c ompl eti ng a pr ojec t together . Or may b e, w i thout r eal i zi ng i t, b y y our ex ampl e y ou ar e touc hi ng l i v es. Thi s w as tr ue f or N ed, an ei ghty -y ear ol d w i dow er w ho desc r i b ed hi s b el ov ed w i f e as the k i ndest, gentl est, most l ov el y soul on the pl anet. They w er e deepl y i n l ov e f or mor e than f or ty y ear s. “A l most al l of my c ondol enc e c ar ds menti oned how happy w e had b een, how w e w er e a l i ght of l ov e i n the c ommuni ty ,” N ed sai d. “I di dn’t ev en k now that peopl e k new w e w er e so happy . I di dn’t thi nk i t show ed so muc h.” It show ed b ec ause l ov e i s l i k e the l i ght shi ni ng f r om a l i ghthouse, emi tti ng hope and happi ness to other s ar ound y ou.

The hab i ts i n thi s sec ti on ar e ab out the “somethi ng mor e” b etw een y ou. These hab i ts w i l l hel p y ou honor and r ec ogni ze the l ar ger ener gy b etw een y ou and y our spouse, an ener gy that i s not onl y sac r ed and pr of ound, b ut al so ti mel ess.

HABI T 65

Bless You PROMPT: W hen y ou mak e the b ed i n the mor ni ng (or as y ou l eav e the b ed i n the mor ni ng) HABI T: W av e y our hand ov er the b ed and thi nk ab out how y ou’r e c onnec ted to y our dear one. Say the w or ds, “Bel ov ed, may y ou b e happy and heal thy today . May y ou b e saf e f r om har m. I w i sh f or y ou peac e and happi ness unti l y ou r etur n f or mor e r est.” PURPOSE: Thi s hab i t i s b ased on the Buddhi st medi tati on pr ac ti c e c al l ed Metta Bh av ana. Metta i s Pal i f or “l ov i ng k i ndness” and Bh av ana means “c ul ti v ati on of .” It’s a f i v estage pr ac ti c e of w i shi ng l ov i ng k i ndness tow ar d the sel f , tow ar d a dear one, tow ar d a str anger , tow ar d an “enemy ,” and tow ar d the w or l d. The neur osc i enti st Dani el Si egel , author of many b ook s, i nc l udi ng Minds igh t: Th e New S c ienc e of Pers onal Trans form ation, poi nts out that an i ntenti onal hab i t suc h as mental l y gi v i ng goodw i l l to other s has the pow er to

c hange the ar c hi tec tur e of y our b r ai n. You c an tr ai n y our b r ai n to b e mor e l ov i ng. W i th the hab i t of w i shi ng y our spouse w el l i n the mor ni ng, y ou ac ti v el y c r eate a posi ti v e mental state, w hi c h i n tur n l eads to a mor e har moni ous mar r i age. I l ear n a l ot f r om my c l i ents. Some of w hat I l ear n i s as mundane as r estaur ant r ec ommendati ons, b ook s to r ead, and hotel s to f r equent. But I al so l ear n ab out human natur e and the amazi ng str uggl es thr ough w hi c h peopl e tr i umph. Mi c hael c ame to see me w hen hi s w i f e w as goi ng thr ough c hemother apy tr eatment f or b r east c anc er . He tol d me that he di dn’t hav e many f r i ends to tal k to and that hi s f ami l y w as f ar aw ay . Susanna, hi s w i f e of ni ne y ear s, w as hi s pr i mar y c onf i dante. But how c oul d he tel l her that he di dn’t f i nd her attr ac ti v e any mor e w i thout her hai r , w i th her b ody w asti ng aw ay ? How c oul d he tel l her that he l ov ed her b ey ond measur e and that he w as ter r i f i ed of l osi ng her ? How c oul d he tel l her that he w as ex hausted b y hi s c ar etak i ng duti es and that he mi ssed hav i ng her as a heal thy w i f e? Mi c hael w as b r utal l y honest i n our sessi ons. He f ound r el i ef i n b ei ng ab l e to admi t hi s unv ar ni shed f eel i ngs—as i f he w as i n a c onf essi onal . He now had a saf e f or um i n w hi c h to r ev eal hi s str uggl es, one i n w hi c h he w as ab l e to r ef l ec t on hi s deep and pr of ound l ov e f or hi s w i f e. He tol d me that al most ev er y mor ni ng, w hi l e Susanna sti l l sl ept, he ti ptoed ar ound the b ed and stood b esi de her .

He hel d hi s hand ov er her sl eepi ng f or m and sai d the w or ds, “I w i sh y ou good heal th and a l ong l i f e w i th me.” “W hat a w onder f ul thi ng to do,” I sai d. “That’s the k i nd of l ov i ng hab i t that y ou c oul d c onti nue ev en af ter she gets w el l .” A f ter a f ew months, w hen Susanna had f i ni shed her tr eatment, Mi c hael and I ended our w or k together . A b out a y ear l ater , he sent me an e-mai l to l et me k now that Susanna had just r ec ei v ed a c l ean b i l l of heal th. “One thi ng I sti l l do,” he w r ote, “i s my mor ni ng b l essi ng f or Susanna—w hether she’s i n the b ed or not. You w er e r i ght—i t hel ps me f eel gr atef ul f or ev er y day w i th her .” REF LECTI ON: If y ou spend a moment w i shi ng y our dear one w el l , how mi ght i t af f ec t the ener gy that y ou tak e i nto y our day ?

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Heaven on Earth PROMPT: W hen y ou get i nto b ed at ni ght nex t to y our b el ov ed HABI T: Touc h y our sw eethear t on the ar m and say , “Heav enl y .” PURPOSE: A ppr ec i ati on and gr ati tude f eed y our r el ati onshi p and hei ghten y our ex per i enc e of happi ness i n

y our mar r i age. A t the end of the day (l i ter al l y ), i t i s a heal thy hab i t to ex per i enc e gr ati tude f or the gr eat b l essi ng and si mpl e pl easur e of sl eepi ng nex t to y our b el ov ed. The pr ac ti c e of gr ati tude ac tual l y shapes the neur al str uc tur e i n y our b r ai n i n a w ay that str engthens y our ab i l i ty to ex per i enc e mor e gr ati tude. The b r ai n’s c apac i ty to c hange i tsel f (neur opl asti c i ty ), means that w hen y ou i ntenti onal l y ex er c i se the gr ati tude ar ea of y our b r ai n, i t b ec omes str onger and mor e ac ti v e. Li k ew i se, w hen y ou stop usi ng neur ons of negati v i ty , they ev entual l y w i ther and w eak en. Thus, goi ng to sl eep w i th gr ati tude f or y our spouse and the mar i tal b ed r ather than b r i ngi ng a mi nd f ul l of w or r i es to b ed i s a muc h b etter hab i t f or y our mar r i age and f or y our peac e of mi nd. Ev en i f y ou happen to enter an empty b ed, y ou c an thi nk i t “heav enl y ” that y ou hav e a spouse w hom y ou l ov e and w ho w i l l joi n y ou ev entual l y . Let the hab i t of gr ati tude r est i n y our mi nd as y ou dr i f t of f to dr eaml and. I am a nati v e Tex an, a gi r l w ho gr ew up thi nk i ng 50 degr ees w as f r eezi ng. A f ter thi r ty y ear s, I’m c hal l enged b y the nor ther n c l i mate. But w hen Dan gav e me a heated mattr ess topper f or Chr i stmas one y ear , getti ng b etw een the sheets b ec ame l i k e si nk i ng i nto a hot b ath. It f el t l i k e heav en on ear th. W hen y ou l et gr ati tude f or y our mar r i age si nk i nto y ou, y ou’l l f i nd that i t’s hab i t-f or mi ng. The ex pr essi on of gr ati tude i s c ommon to al l happy mar r i ages. A s a ni ghtl y

hab i t i t not onl y puts y ou to sl eep w i th a smi l e on y our f ac e, i t al so i nc r eases y our c apac i ty to b r i ng gr ati tude i nto y our dai l y c ommuni c ati on w i th y our spouse. Isn’t i t a b l essi ng to get i nto b ed nex t to the w ar m b ody of someone w ho l ov es y ou, w ho ac c epts y ou, w ho has c ommi tted to shar i ng hi s l i f e w i th y ou? Isn’t i t dr eamy to l i e nex t to someone w ho show s y ou ev er y day that y ou matter to hi m? Isn’t i t a w onder to spoon a soul w ho c onnec ts to y our s, w ho dai l y c hooses to b e w i th y ou? W i th “heav enl y ” on y our l i ps, y ou c an go dow n f or y our l ong w i nter ’s nap, of f er i ng thank s f or b oth the w ar m b ody and soul that gr ac es y our ni ghts. REF LECTI ON: Do y ou noti c e that y ou sl eep b etter w hen y ou f i l l y our mi nd w i th appr ec i ati on as y ou’r e dr i f ti ng of f ?

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Teacher’s Pet PROMPT: W hen some b ehav i or or c har ac ter i sti c of y our par tner i s c ausi ng y ou to f eel annoy ed HABI T: Imagi ne b ow i ng r espec tf ul l y to y our b el ov ed, r ec ogni zi ng that she i s y our teac her . Identi f y the deeper l esson, tak e note, and b r eathe i nto i t. Say to y our sel f , “I am l ear ni ng ab out _____” (pati enc e, gr ati tude, c ompassi on, l ov e, c hange, ac c eptanc e, k i ndness, gener osi ty , f or gi v eness). Thank y ou f or thi s l esson.”

PURPOSE: W hen y ou f i nd y our sel f getti ng upset b y somethi ng y our par tner does or doesn’t do, thi s tool i nv i tes y ou to l ook f or a deeper l esson. Someti mes w hat y ou di sl i k e i n y our spouse i s a qual i ty mi r r or i ng w hat y ou di sl i k e i n y our sel f (suc h as tar di ness, sel f i shness). Other ti mes, i t’s a qual i ty that y ou used to appr ec i ate i n y our mate b ut i s now c ausi ng y ou c onster nati on (suc h as her spontanei ty or dev i l -may -c ar e atti tude). Or per haps y our mate si mpl y has a qual i ty that y ou need to l ear n mor e ab out. W hen y ou adopt the hab i t of tr eati ng y our par tner as y our unl i k el y teac her , y ou w i l l f i nd l i f e l essons open up to y ou ev er y day . Ger al di ne c ame to see me b ec ause she w anted to f or gi v e her f ather , w ho had di ed f i v e y ear s pr ev i ousl y , f or b ei ng c r i ti c al and ab usi v e. How ev er , i n the c our se of our i ni ti al sessi ons, Ger al di ne spent most of the ti me c ompl ai ni ng ab out her husb and. She tol d me that Mar c us w as i r r esponsi b l e, f l i ghty , and per mi ssi v e. He nev er seemed to tak e thi ngs ser i ousl y , as i f l i f e w er e a b i g game. W hen I ask ed Ger al di ne w hat attr ac ted her to Mar c us some tw el v e y ear s ear l i er , she sai d, “Oh, i t w as hi s easy -goi ng, l i ghthear ted manner . He w as l i k e a b r eath of f r esh ai r .” It’s not unc ommon f or the v er y thi ngs that attr ac ted y ou to y our mate to tur n i nto the thi ngs that most annoy y ou. The l i ghthear ted man i s now i r r esponsi b l e. The pl ay f ul par ty gi r l i s now a f l i r tati ous w oman w ho i gni tes

y our jeal ousy . The amb i ti ous w oman i s now a w or k ahol i c . The gener ous man now gi v es hi s ti me and money aw ay . A s I l i stened to Ger al di ne, I ask ed f or a r ec ent ex ampl e of how Mar c us’s easy -goi ng atti tude w as af f ec ti ng her negati v el y . “W el l ,” she sai d, “w hen w e w er e tr y i ng to sel l our house l ast y ear , he just w asn’t w or r i ed enough.” “W asn’t w or r i ed enough?” I ask ed, c onf used. “He doesn’t get how ser i ous thi ngs ar e f i nanc i al l y . W e w er e so c l ose to goi ng i nto f or ec l osur e b ut he just shr ugged hi s shoul der s and k ept say i ng, ‘It w i l l b e w hat i t w i l l b e,’” she r esponded. “May b e he’s y our teac her ab out how to b e mor e r el ax ed, mor e at peac e r egar dl ess of y our c i r c umstanc es,” I suggested. Ger al di ne thought ab out that f or a moment. I c onti nued, “A sk y our sel f , w hat i s Mar c us teac hi ng me … w hat c an I l ear n f r om hi m? Do y ou r eal l y w ant hi s l egac y to y ou to b e that y ou l ear ned to b e mor e w or r i ed, mor e upti ght, mor e str essed … or i s ther e somethi ng mor e?” She agr eed to v i ew Mar c us as her teac her ov er the nex t f ew w eek s. W hen she c ame b ac k , she tol d me that she’d noti c ed f r om thi s per spec ti v e someti mes he r eal l y c ould hel p her b e mor e l i ghthear ted. She al so noti c ed that someti mes the l esson seemed to b e pati enc e (l ear ni ng how to not l ose her c ool w hen she f ound hi m annoy i ng). Ei ther w ay , b y seei ng hi m as her teac her , she b egan to r el ax i n si tuati ons that or di nar i l y w oul d c ause her str ess. Soon, she stopped c ompl ai ni ng ab out her husb and dur i ng c ounsel i ng.

REF LECTI ON: In w hat w ay s ar e y ou a teac her f or y our spouse?

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Toast of the Town PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e hav i ng di nner out, just the tw o of y ou HABI T: Cl i nk y our gl asses together (ev en i f i t’s just y our w ater gl asses) and toast to y our r el ati onshi p. Say , “To us” or “To our happy mar r i age.” For ex tr a emphasi s, l i nk y our ar ms together as y ou mi ght hav e on y our w eddi ng day . PURPOSE: Honor i ng y our f or mal r el ati onshi p i s a hab i t that w i l l hel p pr ov i de and str engthen the spec i al spac e that onl y the tw o of y ou shar e. Char l otte Kasl w r i tes i n I f th e Buddh a Married: Creating Enduring Relations h ips on a S piritual Path ab out w hat she c al l s the “us” spac e. She desc r i b es the “us” spac e as a f or m of al c hemy i n w hi c h the mi x i ng of tw o sub stanc es tr ansf or ms i nto somethi ng new . “I” and “y ou” b ec omes “us.” Thi s spac e needs to b e r egul ar l y noti c ed, pr i or i ti zed, and honor ed. You mi ght hav e of f er ed a tr adi ti onal pr etzel -ar med toast to y our b r i de or gr oom on y our w eddi ng day , a spec i al toast to the new l y mar r i ed “us” spac e, b ut how of ten si nc e? Don’t l et a pr i v ate dr i nk together pass w i thout r ec ogni ti on of y our spec i al r el ati onshi p and y our pr ec i ous mar r i age.

Ther e i s somethi ng ab out a happy mar r i age that i s pal pab l e, tangi b l e. You c an essenti al l y ex per i enc e the l ov e i n the ai r ar ound a happy c oupl e. I w i l l of ten suggest to c oupl es w ho see me f or c ounsel i ng that they pl ay a game c al l ed “I spy a happy c oupl e.” W hen i n pub l i c , they w atc h c oupl es ar ound them and note w hi c h ones seem happy , i denti f y i ng w hi c h c har ac ter i sti c s r ef l ec t that happi ness. U sual l y my c l i ents w i l l r epor t b ac k thi ngs l i k e, “Happy c oupl es hol d hands … or they mak e ey e c ontac t w i th eac h other … or they smi l e w hen they tal k to eac h other … or they k i ss on the str eet.” These, i n f ac t, ar e c har ac ter i sti c hab i ts of happi l y mar r i ed c oupl es, hab i ts that k eep i ndi v i dual s c onnec ted and ener gi zed. My f av or i te happy c oupl e stor y w as r epor ted b ac k to me b y my c l i ent Spenc er . “They w er e si tti ng nex t to me and Mar jor i e,” he sai d. “They l ook ed r eal l y happy and then—y es, I admi t i t, I w as eav esdr oppi ng—I ac tual l y ov er hear d them toast to eac h other .” Spenc er , w ho i s v er y gr egar i ous, sai d he l eaned ov er to them and ask ed, “How many y ear s hav e y ou b een toasti ng to eac h other ?” The ol der gentl eman r esponded enthusi asti c al l y , “W e’v e b een toasti ng to eac h other ev ery tim e w e di ne out f or the past f i f ty -f i v e y ear s. W e’r e l uc k y , don’t y ou thi nk ?” Luc k y i ndeed. Of c our se, happy c oupl es mak e thei r l uc k hab i t b y hab i t, pr ac ti c ed r egul ar l y . Toast to y our b el ov ed and see how many y ear s y ou b egi n to ac c umul ate of happi ness.

REF LECTI ON: W hat mi ght happen i n y our l i f e i f y ou b egan to honor the us spac e on a r egul ar b asi s?

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Honk PROMPT: W hen y our mate i s upset and y ou w ant to suppor t or enc our age her HABI T: Stand b ehi nd y our b el ov ed and pl ac e y our hand f i r ml y on her upper b ac k , r i ght b etw een the shoul der b l ades. Then gentl y l ean i nto her ear and w h is per the w or ds “Dear One, I hear y ou and I am her e f or y ou.” PURPOSE: John Gr ay , author of the c l assi c Men Are from Mars , Wom en Are from Venus , speak s and w r i tes el oquentl y ab out gender di f f er enc es. He adv i ses men that w hen w omen shar e thei r pr ob l ems, they just w ant to b e hear d (not hav e thei r pr ob l ems f i x ed). For w omen, w hen they ’r e hear d, the b ondi ng hor mone ox y toc i n i s sti mul ated. Men may not hav e the same need to b e l i stened to, b ut they do need to f eel suppor ted. They l i k e to k now that thei r mates stand b esi de them. Thi c h N hat Hanh, the w i se and pr ol i f i c V i etnamese Buddhi st monk , suggests that the gr eatest gi f t w e c an ev er gi v e another i s the gi f t of our f ul l and undi v i ded pr esenc e. He suggests usi ng the phr ase “Dear One, I am her e f or y ou”

as a gi f t of l ov e. W hi sper i ng these w or ds adds an el ement of tender ness and i nti mac y . Suzanne sat on my of f i c e c ouc h w i th her hands c r ossed as i f pr otec ti ng her per sonal spac e. She sai d, “I just need a l i ttl e suppor t f r om y ou, that’s al l .” Hank l ook ed dumb f ounded. He shook hi s head. “But that’s w hat I’m try ing to do.” Tear f ul l y , Suzanne r epl i ed, “Tel l i ng me that I w or k too muc h and shoul d qui t my job i s not suppor ti ng me!” A h-ha. I star ted to get the sense that a c ommon gender dy nami c w as tak i ng pl ac e. U sual l y w hen w omen c ompl ai n, they si mpl y w ant to b e hear d. How ev er , w hen w omen c ompl ai n, men of ten w ant to f i x the si tuati on. They don’t r eal i ze that al l that’s r equi r ed of them i s to l i sten, w i tness her f eel i ngs, and b e a sy mpatheti c pr esenc e. If y ou’v e ev er seen and hear d a f l oc k of geese f l y i ng i n the ai r , y ou’l l k now i t’s one of natur e’s w onder s. In V f or mati on, the geese f l y together as a ti ght, i nter dependent uni t, w i th l oud honk s. Inter esti ngl y , the honk i s a si gn of enc our agement f r om one goose to another to k eep f l y i ng and stay the c our se. The l ead goose at the head of the V c r eates an ai r dr af t f r om w hi c h the other s c an b enef i t. They tak e tur ns b ei ng at the l ead. The honk i s the ul ti mate c heer l eader sound, meani ng “I am her e f or y ou; I’v e got y our b ac k .” W hen Suzanne c ompl ai ned ab out her b oss, her c ow or k er s, or the str ess of the day , she di dn’t w ant a sol uti on f r om Hank . If she di d, she w oul d hav e ask ed f or hi s

adv i c e. N or di d she w ant to b e r edi r ec ted or shut dow n. The suppor t she desi r ed w as si mpl y f or Hank to l i sten to her and ac k now l edge her str uggl es. A s w e w or k ed on thi s goal i n the sessi on, and as Hank c ame to r eal i ze that i t w as hi s si mpl e l i steni ng pr esenc e that matter ed most to Suzanne, he w as ab l e to pr ov i de emoti onal suppor t. A s Suzanne r eal i zed she w as not al one w i th her b ur den, she b egan to v i si b l y r el ax . In the end, al l she needed to hear w as an enc our agi ng “honk .” REF LECTI ON: How do y ou nor mal l y r ec ei v e y our par tner ’s di str ess? W hat i s sti r r ed f or y ou i f y ou si t qui etl y w i th her str uggl es?

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Say Cheese PROMPT: W hen y ou w ant to c aptur e a w onder f ul moment w i th y our spouse HABI T: W i nk at y our l ov ed one as i f the w i nk w er e the shutter of a c amer a. Then pr oc eed to hol d the b eauti f ul moment i n y our hear t f or ten sec onds. Ex pand i t, str etc hi ng the f eel i ng as i f y ou’r e pul l i ng taf f y . Let the moment si nk i nto y our b ei ng. PURPOSE: W i th thi s hab i t, hi ghl i ghted w i th a w i nk , y ou w i l l b e mor e ab l e to sav or y our ti me as a c oupl e. It i s so

easy f or y ou to sl og thr ough the y ear s, b ar el y noti c i ng w hat’s goi ng on r i ght i n f r ont of y ou. Then w hen the k i ds ar e gr ow n or a l i f e c hapter ends, y ou w onder w her e the y ear s w ent. W hen y ou l et eac h spec i al moment f oster the gr ow th of l ov e and i nti mac y i n y our mar r i age, y ou b egi n a r ew i r i ng pr oc ess i n y our b r ai n. Ri c k Hanson, author of the b estsel l i ng b ook Buddh a’s Brain: Th e Prac tic al Neuros c ienc e of Happines s , Lov e, and Wis dom , tal k s ex tensi v el y ab out the c onc ept of “tak i ng i n the good.” He c l ai ms that b y c onsc i ousl y i mpr i nti ng good ex per i enc es, (hol di ng a good ex per i enc e, ex pandi ng i t, and mental l y ab sor b i ng i t i nto our b odi es), w e c r eate new neur al pathw ay s of happi ness. Thi s hab i t hel ps ov er c ome our b i ol ogi c al negati v i ty b i as: W e ar e har d-w i r ed to noti c e and r ememb er thi ngs goi ng w r ong mor e than to noti c e thi ngs goi ng r i ght! How ev er , b y i ntenti onal l y hi ghl i ghti ng a pl easant moment and hol di ng i t i n y our aw ar eness, posi ti v e neur ons f i r e, thus w i r i ng together , and b r i ngi ng str onger tr ac es of happi ness i nto y our i mpl i c i t memor y b ank . W hen Dani el and I f i r st b l ended our f ami l y of f i v e c hi l dr en and f i v e pets, l et’s just say i t w as not an ov er w hel mi ng suc c ess. I r ememb er c onsul ti ng b ook s f or stepf ami l i es and f eel i ng c r estf al l en at the pr ognosi s that most stepf ami l i es c oul d ex pec t to spend up to sev en y ear s i n c onf l i c t. I stopped r eadi ng those b ook s.

I b egan to get a gl i mmer of w hy sec ond mar r i ages hav e hi gher di v or c e r ates ev en than f i r st mar r i ages—i t of ten has to do w i th c hi l dr en and stepc hi l dr en and the l oy al ty b i nds that ex i st. Dur i ng our sec ond summer of sev en peopl e under one r oof , w e took the k i ds to a l ak e house on a l oc al N ew Hampshi r e pond f or our f i r st f ami l y v ac ati on. It w as a mi r ac ul ous tur ni ng poi nt. W e enjoy ed k ay ak s, a l ak e, popsi c l es, and s’mor es b y the f i r e pi t. To our amazement, not onl y di d ev er y one par ti c i pate, b ut they ac tual l y enjoy ed themsel v es. A stepsi ster hel ped a stepb r other mak e b r ow ni es. Ther e w as sw i mmi ng. Ther e w as l aughter . On the thi r d ni ght, w e sat ar ound the di ni ng r oom tab l e on a sc r eened-i n por c h, l i steni ng to l oon c al l s on a sti l l l ak e. Tw o adul ts and f i v e k i ds pl ay ed Cr ani um Fami l y Edi ti on. I r ec ogni zed i n that moment that the v ac ati on w as an unb el i ev ab l y si gni f i c ant suc c ess. W e w er e ac ti ng l i k e a “nor mal ” f ami l y . W e w er e pl ay i ng a game desi gned f or f ami l i es. W e w er e blending. I made ey e c ontac t w i th Dani el and w e b oth smi l ed. I had a f eel i ng of c onnec ti on w i th hi m, a sense that “our b ond w i l l not b e b r ok en” and “w e c an get thr ough any si tuati on as l ong as w e’r e together .” He w i nk ed at me as i f to say , “Look at us. Thi s i s a w onder f ul moment.” A nd i ndeed i t w as. REF LECTI ON: W hat b eauti f ul moment today deser v es a “w i nk ” i n y our l i f e?

HABI T 71

Wake Up PROMPT: W hen y ou ar e hav i ng mor ni ng c of f ee or tea together HABI T: Touc h y our spouse’s ar m and say , “I am so l uc k y to b e mar r i ed to y ou,” or “I’m l uc k y that I f ound y ou i n thi s w i de w or l d,” or “I f eel l uc k y to b e spendi ng my l i f e w i th y ou.” PURPOSE: Mak e i t a hab i t to w ak e up ev er y day to the w onder of y our l i v es together . A s y ou w ak e up y our b ody , use thi s hab i t to w ak e up to the mi r ac l e of spendi ng y our l i f e w i th thi s b el ov ed per son! Out of al l the b i l l i ons of peopl e on thi s pl anet, thi s i s w hom y ou ar e mak i ng a l i f e w i th. N oti c e. W ak e up. Be gr atef ul . Happy c oupl es mak e thei r l uc k and happy c oupl es ar e aw ar e of thei r l uc k as w el l . They satur ate thei r l i v es w i th gr ati tude. They r ec ogni ze that they hav e a good thi ng goi ng. So ev en i f y ou f eel a l i ttl e f r ustr ated w i th y our mate at ti mes, k now that ther e i s sti l l muc h to sav or . Stati ng out l oud that y ou f eel l uc k y c an b ec ome a sel f f ul f i l l i ng pr oposi ti on. W hen y ou say that y ou’r e l uc k y , y ou star t to f eel l uc k y . W hen y ou f eel l uc k y , y ou say so. Set thi s c y c l e of happi ness i n moti on today so that y ou c an tr easur e ev er y pr ec i ous moment.

A nd just l i k e that, l i f e c hanged. “It’s c anc er ,” the doc tor tol d Dani el af ter a b i opsy . I hear d the new s on a Fr i day and b ur st i nto tear s. W e w er e l aunc hed i nto a new w or l d that i nc l uded suc h sc ar y thi ngs as a CT sc an, a c ol onosc opy , sur ger y , an onc ol ogi st, and c hemother apy . I had a sur r eal sense of di ssoc i ati on as i f I w er e i n a dr eam ti me w ar p. But on that Fr i day w hen w e hear d the new s, w e sat on the pr ec i pi c e of the unk now n. W e di dn’t k now the ac tual pr ognosi s, w hether the CT sc an w oul d show a b ody r i ddl ed w i th c anc er or just one c anc er ous pol y p. So w e dec i ded to spend the day at the b eac h w atc hi ng the w av es and sear c hi ng f or sea gl ass. A l l w e k new w as that f or the moment w e had eac h other . Si tti ng w i th Dani el i n a c af é, I f ound my sel f w onder i ng i f I w oul d b e a w i dow any ti me soon. I l ook ed ar ound at the c oupl es c asual l y si ppi ng thei r l attes. Di dn’t they k now that thi s moment, thi s ti me ov er a c of f ee w as pr ec i ous? Di dn’t they k now that thi s moment w as al l w e had? I tur ned my attenti on to thi s man ac r oss f r om me, a man w ho w as my husb and i n si c k ness and i n heal th. I touc hed hi s hand and mur mur ed that no matter w hat, I f el t i nc r edi b l y l uc k y to b e hi s w i f e. REF LECTI ON: How w oul d y our r el ati onshi p c hange i f y our spouse onl y had a f ew months to l i v e?

HABI T 72

State of the Union PROMPT: A t l east onc e a season, (use the sol sti c e and equi nox as r emi nder s) w hen y ou hav e at l east ten mi nutes to si t dow n qui etl y together HABI T: Rate y our c ur r ent r el ati onshi p on a sc al e of one to ten, w i th one b ei ng “I’m on the b r i nk of di v or c e” to ten b ei ng “honey moon heav en.” Fi r st, get y our numb er i n y our head and then shar e i t si mul taneousl y w i th eac h other . Ref l ec t on the numb er s and di sc uss, i f nec essar y , w hat y ou thi nk i s r equi r ed to mov e the numb er hi gher . State w hat y ou ar e per sonal l y w i l l i ng to do to hel p i mpr ov e the numb er , not just w hat y ou w i sh y our par tner w oul d do. Hol d thi s b r i ef di sc ussi on l ov i ngl y w i th a w i l l i ngness to l ook at y our ow n b ehav i or s as w el l as y our par tner ’s. PURPOSE: Just as good b usi nesses dev el op the hab i t of r egul ar per f or manc e r ev i ew s, so too do happy mar r i ages. W hen y ou ar e w i l l i ng to l ook at “w hat i s” and how to i mpr ov e i t, y ou k ni t y our sel v es c l oser together as a c oupl e. It tak es a c er tai n amount of c our age to engage eac h other i n honest r ef l ec ti on and to v oi c e w hat’s goi ng r i ght and w hat needs a l i ttl e tw eak i ng. Just the ac t of tak i ng thi s r ev i ew ser i ousl y w i l l b egi n to i nc r ease y our mar i tal i nti mac y . Your numb er s ar e di agnosti c of the heal th of y our r el ati onshi p. It’s i mpor tant to under stand how happy (or how unhappy ) y our spouse i s. If y our numb er i s

si gni f i c antl y hi gher than that of y our spouse, ask hi m w hat y ou c an do to hel p b r i ng hi s numb er hi gher . A s w i th any good di agnosi s, onc e y ou k now w hat y ou’r e deal i ng w i th, y ou c an star t the tr eatment. I’v e b een usi ng the “State of the U ni on” hab i t w i th c oupl es f or y ear s to hel p them assess thei r r el ati onshi p. I’m al w ay s amazed that most c oupl es ar e w i thi n one numb er of eac h other . That sai d, the numb er s tend to b e on the medi um to l ow si de. The most c ommon assessment I see i n my pr ac ti c e i s usual l y a f i v e or a si x . (They are i n c oupl es c ounsel i ng, af ter al l .) One notew or thy ex c epti on stands out i n my mi nd. A c oupl e mar r i ed f or thi r ty -one y ear s c ame to see me at the w i f e’s i nsi stenc e. I ask ed them to do thi s “State of the U ni on” r el ati onshi p assessment. To my sur pr i se the husb and hel d up an ei ght and the w i f e hel d up a one. It tur ns out she had b r ought hi m to sessi on to tel l hi m that she w anted a di v or c e. A s w e ex pl or ed her di ssati sf ac ti on i n the r el ati onshi p, she poi nted out that they hadn’t had sex f or y ear s, they b ar el y spok e, they nev er touc hed, and they w er en’t k i nd to eac h other . Thei r c hi l dr en w er e l ong gone and ther e seemed no r eason to c onti nue l i v i ng as r oommates. “W e hav en’t b een ab ov e a f i v e i n my mi nd f or at l east tw enty y ear s,” she added. “Too b ad w e di dn’t tr y to get hel p then.” U nl i k e these tw o, c oupl es w ho use thi s tool r egul ar l y c an tr ac k the ups and dow ns of thei r r el ati onshi p and of

eac h other ’s sati sf ac ti on i n the mar r i age. Li k e ear l y detec ti on i n heal th c ar e, k now i ng the tr uth and i nter v eni ng w her e nec essar y of f er s y our mar r i age i ts b est c hanc e of good heal th and l ong-ter m sur v i v al . REF LECTI ON: W hat pr i c e mi ght y ou pay b y stay i ng “too b usy ” to assess the state of y our uni on?

HABI T 73

Cave Time PROMPT: W hen y our spouse seems i r r i tab l e, or spec i f i c al l y say s that he needs some ti me al one HABI T: Suggest that y our spouse tak e some ti me f or hi msel f f or r estor ati on. A gr ee on a ti me (thi r ty mi nutes, an hour ) w hen y ou w i l l r ec onv ene. PURPOSE: Ev er y one needs ti me to hi m- or her sel f , b ut f or some peopl e the need i s gr eater . Ty pi c al l y men and i ntr ov er ts need l ots of ti me al one to r epl eni sh and r ef uel . It’s nothi ng per sonal , just a natur al need. In a happy mar r i age, y ou shoul d dev el op the hab i t of l etti ng y our spouse hav e the spac e he needs to b e heal thy and r el ax ed. A l l mar r i ages r equi r e ti mes of together ness and ti mes of spac e. It’s v i tal to the heal th of y our mar r i age that y ou al l ow y our spouse the undi stur b ed al one ti me that

he needs. A f ter hi s c av e ti me, he’l l b e mor e w i l l i ng and ab l e to c onnec t w i th y ou. John Gr ay poi nts out i n hi s b ook Wh y Mars and Venus Collide: I m prov ing Relations h ips by Unders tanding How Men and Wom en Cope Differently w ith S tres s that men espec i al l y r equi r e ti me al one to di sengage and f or get thei r pr ob l ems. A str essf ul day l ow er s men’s testoster one l ev el s, mak i ng them i r r i tab l e, anx i ous, and ti r ed. Pr i v ate dow nti me r ai ses thei r hor mone l ev el s, thus r educ i ng thei r str ess and enab l i ng them to engage soc i al l y . Mar sha w as a gr egar i ous, f un-l ov i ng gal w ho w or k ed f r om home i n IT sal es. She c onnec ted w i th peopl e on the phone and on the Inter net al l day l ong, b ut b y the ti me her b el ov ed Zac k c ame home f r om w or k , she w as star v ed f or r eal f ac e-to-f ac e c onnec ti on. She eager l y and enthusi asti c al l y pr ac ti c ed the “Puppy Lov e” r euni on hug hab i t (Hab i t 7 ). Then she w as r eady to hear al l ab out Zac k ’s day and tel l hi m ab out her s. The pr ob l em w as that Zac k w as ex tr emel y dr ai ned w hen he c ame home at ni ght. A s a pedi atr i c i an, he had spent the day deal i ng w i th c r y i ng i nf ants, si c k toddl er s, anx i ous teens, and w or r i ed par ents. W hen he ar r i v ed home, he w anted to si t i n f r ont of the new s and zone out. Mar sha f el t ab andoned w hen Zac k zoned out so qui c k l y af ter c omi ng home. Emoti onal l y , she c oul dn’t under stand hi s need f or pr i v ate ti me. Zac k c oul dn’t under stand Mar sha’s need to c hat. A nd so they c oul dn’t qui te honor eac h

other ’s r equi r ements i n a r espec tf ul w ay . The end r esul t w as that no one got w hat they w anted. Bef or e they w or k ed w i th me, Zac k w oul d c ome home ex hausted b ut, not w anti ng to hur t Mar sha’s f eel i ngs, w oul d tr y to tal k to her . How ev er , he l i stened to her c hatti ng onl y hal f hear tedl y . Hi s c ur sor y answ er s seemed to Mar sha l i k e r ejec ti on. Feel i ng mi sunder stood, he w oul d get angr y that she c oul dn’t empathi ze w i th hi s f ati gue. They of ten w ent to b ed mad at eac h other . I suggested that Zac k spend f or ty -f i v e mi nutes c ompl etel y al one w hen he r etur ned f r om w or k (af ter the r euni on hug, of c our se.) Then, af ter di nner , he w oul d spend up to f or ty -f i v e mi nutes al one w i th Mar sha, gi v i ng her hi s undi v i ded attenti on. In other w or ds, they c oul d b oth hav e thei r needs met, just not at the same ti me. The nex t w eek , they b oth ex pr essed del i ght w i th the ar r angement. Zac k had hi s pr i v ate ti me to r el ax and unw i nd and Mar sha w as ab l e to of f er thi s gi f t f r eel y b ec ause she k new that he’d b e mor e ab l e to c onnec t w i th her af ter w ar d. Most i mpor tant, they w er e no l onger goi ng to b ed angr y . REF LECTI ON: Be open to the possi b i l i ty that w hen y ou gr ant the needs of y our spouse, she or he w i l l b e open to gr anti ng y our needs as w el l .

HABI T 74

My Guy PROMPT: W henev er y ou’r e i ntr oduc i ng y our spouse to other peopl e, or ev en w hen y ou’r e ar ound other s and w i sh to r ef er to y our spouse HABI T: Ow n y our c onnec ti on to eac h other w i th a str ong ter m of af f ec ti on and mak e i t pub l i c . Fi nd the w or ds that y ou’r e c omf or tab l e w i th to emphasi ze y our ador ati on: my b est hal f , my b el ov ed husb and, my tr ue l ov e, my b eauti f ul b r i de, my dear one, my c her i shed par tner , etc . PURPOSE: W hen y ou dev el op the hab i t of b estow i ng ti tl es of endear ment on y our par tner , sev er al i mpor tant thi ngs happen. Fi r st, y ou si gnal to other s that y ou c onsi der y our r el ati onshi p spec i al . Sec ond, y ou c ommuni c ate to y our dear one that she i s, i ndeed, i mpor tant and c her i shed b y y ou. Last, y ou c r eate a c oupl es l anguage that engender s sol i d f eel i ngs of c onnec tedness and i nti mac y . The w or ds that y ou use w i th y our spouse ar e happi ness i ndi c ator s i n y our mar r i age. Happy mar r i ages tend to ov er f l ow i nto pub l i c ex pr essi ons of y our r el ati onshi p: ex pr essi ons of together ness (ter ms of endear ment), par tner shi p (hol di ng hands, pr ai se, and c ompl i ments), and l ov e (huggi ng and k i ssi ng). W hen y ou use str ong ter ms of endear ment w i th eac h other i n pub l i c , y ou and y our spouse str engthen y our b ond of tr ust, and show one another that y ou w i l l b e ther e thr ough thi c k and thi n.

It’s aw k w ar d enough to attend y our ow n c ol l ege r euni ons: the smal l tal k , the c ompar i sons, and the assor tment of hazy memor i es. But, c onsi der the aw k w ar dness of attendi ng y our spouse’s c ol l ege r euni on. That w as how Stac ey f el t ab out goi ng to Car l ’s tenth. She sai d angr i l y , “It’s not l i k e i t w as f un f or me, i f y ou k now w hat I mean.” Car l r ol l ed hi s ey es upw ar ds and sai d, “Her e w e go agai n …” “W hat, spec i f i c al l y , w as the pr ob l em?” I ask ed. Stac ey jumped i n. “Ev er y si ngl e ti me he i ntr oduc ed me, he w oul d say … ‘and thi s i s Stac ey .’ N ot onc e di d he admi t that I w as hi s w ife.” She l ook ed dow n i nto her l ap. “I c oul d hav e b een hi s si ster , a f r i end … a hi r ed esc or t—any one.” Car l snor ted. “That’s not how i t w as. I just thi nk l ab el s ar e si l l y . W hy shoul d i t matter ?” I ex pl ai ned to Car l that i t did matter . Happy c oupl es hav e the hab i t of pr i zi ng eac h other i n pub l i c . Most i mpor tant, i t matter ed to Stac ey . That, i n and of i tsel f , shoul d hav e b een enough of a r eason to moti v ate hi s b ehav i or . Stac ey f el t ab out as i mpor tant as used c hew i ng gum, b ut Car l r emai ned unc onv i nc ed. He l ef t my of f i c e stati ng that i f she w as that i nsec ur e, a si l l y l ab el w oul dn’t mak e any di f f er enc e. Stac ey and Car l nev er r etur ned to my of f i c e b ut i f I w er e to mak e a guess, I’d say that Stac ey w as no l onger Car l ’s w i f e.

REF LECTI ON: Is ther e any r eason not to pr oc l ai m to the w or l d that y ou ar e i n a c ommi tted r el ati onshi p?

HABI T 75

Hawaiian Luau PROMPT: W hen y ou’r e getti ng r eady f or b ed HABI T: Look y our sel f i n the ey e i n a mi r r or and say the f ol l ow i ng phr ases thr ee ti mes: “I l ov e y ou. I’m sor r y . Pl ease f or gi v e me. Thank y ou.” Say i t l i k e a c hant. PURPOSE: These phr ases ar e the c or e of the anc i ent Haw ai i an Huna pr ac ti c e k now n as Ho’o pono pono. Tr adi ti onal l y i t w as c onsi der ed a mental c l eansi ng pr ac ti c e of r ec onc i l i ati on and r estor ati on. Of ten per f or med b y a pr i est or el der , the r i tual c onsi sted of r epeati ng these phr ases and sy mb ol i c al l y l etti ng go, f ol l ow ed b y a f east. The moder n v er si on of thi s pr ac ti c e i s to r epeat the phr ases l i k e a c hant. The r esul t i s a heal i ng ex per i enc e that puts r el ati onshi ps r i ght and f ac i l i tates sel f -l ov e. W hen y ou mak e i t a hab i t to say these w or ds of l ov e, f or gi v eness, and gr ati tude, y ou w i l l f eel c l eansed. In the b ook Th e Th ings You Would Hav e S aid: Th e Ch anc e to S ay Wh at You Alw ay s Wanted Th em to Know , Jac k i e Hooper c ol l ec ts l etter s of or di nar y peopl e say i ng the thi ngs they w i shed they c oul d hav e sai d to l ov ed ones

w hi l e they had the c hanc e. The c ommon themes i n these l etter s ar e ex ac tl y the w or ds of Ho’o pono pono. Say these w or ds r egul ar l y and w i th i ntenti on and y ou w i l l f eel an emoti onal f r eedom. The r esul t i s that y our mar r i age—and y our w el l -b ei ng—w i l l f l our i sh. N ote: Keep a Post-i t note on y our mi r r or w i th the phr ases so that y ou’l l r ememb er to use the hab i t. A l though i t mi ght seem aw k w ar d or ev en poi ntl ess to r epeat the set of Ho’o pono pono phr ases, I hav e seen i t w or k w onder s. I hav e seen a husb and hav i ng di f f i c ul ty w i th an ex -w i f e use the phr ases and w atc h the c ontenti ousness b etw een them di ssol v e. I hav e seen a w oman w ho str uggl ed w i th b ody i mage i ssues—to the poi nt that she w asn’t c omf or tab l e hav i ng sex w i th her husb and—l ear n to l ov e her sel f and f eel c omf or tab l e i n her ow n sk i n. How ev er , my f av or i te Ho’o pono pono ex ampl e i s that of si x ty -f i v e-y ear -ol d N anc y . W hen N anc y c ame to see me, she w as hol di ng dec ades of gui l t. In her f or ti es, she had c heated on her husb and of f i f teen y ear s. Ev en though they had b oth gone on to r emar r y happi l y , she c oul dn’t f i nd i t i n her hear t to f or gi v e her sel f . Cheati ng had gone agai nst ev er y thi ng she’d ev er b el i ev ed. A t the ti me, she had b een i n an emoti onal l y c ol d mar r i age and so w hen she met Gr eg and f el l i n l ov e, she di dn’t k now w hat to do. Gr eg had sw ept her of f her f eet, and soon she had di sc ov er ed that she w as c apab l e of dar k dec ei t. She w as sti l l pl agued b y the i mage of her f i r st husb and’s f ac e w hen he di sc ov er ed that she w as hav i ng an af f ai r .

I suggested to N anc y w ho ty pi c al l y av oi ded l ook i ng her sel f i n the ey e that she tr y the “Haw ai i an Luau” hab i t. Ov er the c our se of the nex t tw o months, N anc y w as w i l l i ng to b e open to the pr oc ess of c hange. Mak i ng ey e c ontac t w i th her sel f i n the mi r r or , she r epeated the w or ds f ai thf ul l y mor ni ng af ter mor ni ng, ev en w hen she di dn’t b el i ev e they w er e tr ue. “I l ov e y ou. I’m sor r y . Pl ease f or gi v e me. Thank y ou.” A nd ov er thi s ti me, her hear t b egan to heal . She star ted to f eel l i ghter , f r eer , r el eased f r om a b ur den. She c oul dn’t r eal l y desc r i b e w hat shi f ted f or her other than gai ni ng a f eel i ng that she deser v ed l ov e. That f eel i ng tr ansl ated to a deeper ab i l i ty to c onnec t w i th her c ur r ent husb and, Gr eg. For gi v eness of y our sel f tr ansl ates to l ov e of other s. If y ou’v e ev er str uggl ed w i th sel f -ac c eptanc e and sel f -c ompassi on, the ti me i s now to mak e peac e. Your mar r i age depends on i t. REF LECTI ON: Has ther e b een a ti me i n y our l i f e w hen y ou w er e ov er f l ow i ng w i th sel f -l ov e?

CONCLUSION

Safe Harbor I hear d a gl ass c l i nk har d on the tab l e b esi de us. A w oman si ghed heav i l y and l eaned aw ay f r om the man ac r oss f r om her , say i ng, “I just don’t thi nk thi s w i l l w or k out. W hy shoul d w e w aste the ev eni ng pr etendi ng? I’m sor r y … I’m sur e y ou’r e a ni c e guy b ut I just don’t f i nd y ou attr ac ti v e.” I l ook ed aw ay , tr y i ng not to eav esdr op b ut unab l e to hel p my sel f . I hear d c hai r s sc r api ng as she stood and put on her c oat. She tur ned to go, say i ng, “It w as ni c e to meet y ou and I hope y ou f i nd the r i ght w oman.” I w as f asc i nated b y thi s dr ama of a f ai l ed matc h. Satur day ni ght w as just b egi nni ng, b ut tw o l onel y hear ts w er e goi ng home al one. The guy thr ew some b i l l s on the tab l e and l ef t c r estf al l en, hi s shoul der s hunc hed. W e al l w ant to b e matc hed, pai r ed, and mated. W e al l w ant to f eel c l ose, c onnec ted, and w anted. These human desi r es ar e so natur al that they ’r e w ov en i nto y our DN A . It’s y our b i ol ogi c al —and emoti onal —goal to f al l i n l ov e and mak e a c ommi tment to eac h other . You not onl y w ant to b e happy i n y our uni on, y ou deser v e to b e. Your mar r i age i s too pr ec i ous to l et i t di ssol v e i nto l onel i ness or anger . I onc e l i stened to an el der l y gentl eman tel l me that he had b een mar r i ed f or f or ty -si x f ab ul ous y ear s. “Ev er y y ear gets b etter ,” he sai d w i th a smi l e. “In f ac t, i t took the f i r st

dec ade to under stand eac h other , the nex t to ac c ept eac h other , and the thi r d to heal eac h other ’s emoti onal w ounds. N ow , w el l , w e just l ov e eac h other w i th the b r ak es of f .” A hhh. Lov e eac h other w i th the b r ak es of f … ev er y day . You don’t need to w ai t f or ty y ear s to do thi s. N or do y ou hav e to assume that onl y new l y w eds l ov e w i th thi s deep passi on. A l l y ou need to do i s r ec har ge and r ec onnec t ev er y day , k now i ng that y our mar r i age i s a tr emendous gi f t. Dani el and I hope that y ou w i l l thr ead the hab i ts i n thi s b ook thr ough y our day s to enr i c h y our c onnec ti on, i nc r ease y our i nti mac y , and sustai n y our l ov e thr ough al l the c i r c umstanc es of y our l i f e. Together y ou c an b e str onger , w i ser , and happi er than y ou ev er i magi ned.

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the Hear t, 1 999). For d, A r i el l e. Wabi S abi Lov e: Th e Anc ient Art of Finding Perfec t Lov e in I m perfec t Relations h ips . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Har per One, 201 2). Gol dsmi th, Bar ton. Em otional Fitnes s for Couples : 10 Minutes a Day to a Better Relations h ip. (Oak l and, CA : N ew Har b i nger , 2005). ———. Em otional Fitnes s for I ntim ac y : S w eeten and Deepen Your Lov e in Only 10 Minutes a Day . (Oak l and, CA : N ew Har b i nger , 2009). Gottman, John M. Th e S ev en Princ iples for Mak ing Marriage Work : A Prac tic al Guide from th e Country ’s Forem os t Relations h ip Expert. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Thr ee Ri v er s, 2000). Gr ay , John, PhD. Men Are from Mars , Wom en Are from Venus : Th e Clas s ic Guide to Unders tanding th e Oppos ite S ex. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Har per , 2004). ———. Wh y Mars and Venus Collide: I m prov ing Relations h ips by Unders tanding How Men and Wom en Cope Differently w ith S tres s . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Har per , 2008). Hanh, Thi c h N hat. True Lov e: A Prac tic e for Aw ak ening th e Heart. (Boston, MA : Shamb hal a, 1 997 ). Hanson, Ri c k , PhD. Buddh a’s Brain: Th e Prac tic al Neuros c ienc e of Happines s , Lov e & Wis dom . W i th Ri c har d

Mendi us, MD (Oak l and, CA : N ew Har b i nger , 201 0). Hatc h, Cl ai r e. S av e Your Marriage: Get Rid of Your Res entm ent. (A mazon Di gi tal Ser v i c es, Inc ., 201 1 ). Hendr i c k s, Gay , and Kathl y n Hendr i c k s. Cons c ious Lov ing: Th e Journey to Co-Com m itm ent. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Bantam, 1 992). Hendr i x , Har v i l l e. Getting th e Lov e You Want: A Guide for Couples , 20th Anniv ers ary Edition. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Henr y Hol t, 2007 ). Hunt, Ly n. Mas s age in a Relations h ip: Effec tiv e Body Mas s age Tec h niq ues Made Eas y , Reduc es S tres s , I m prov es Relaxation and Com m unic ation, and Deepens Your Relations h ip. (A mazon Di gi tal Ser v i c es, Inc ., 201 2). Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tigh t: S ev en Conv ers ations for a Lifetim e of Lov e. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Li ttl e, Br ow n, 2008). Kasl , Char l otte Sophi a, PhD. I f th e Buddh a Married: Creating Enduring Relations h ips on a S piritual Path . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Pengui n, 2001 ). Kaw amur a, Yasuk o. You Knead Me: How to Mas s age Your Partner’s Nec k in 10 Eas y Way s . (A mazon Di gi tal Ser v i c es, Inc ., 201 2). Kel l y , Matthew . Th e S ev en Lev els of I ntim ac y : Th e Art of Lov ing and th e Joy of Being Lov ed. (N ew Yor k , N Y:

Touc hstone, 2005). Lager , Susan. Bec om e Relations h ip S m art With out a Lifetim e of Th erapy . (Cr eateSpac e, 201 3). Ler ner , Har r i et, PhD. Marriage Rules : A Manual for th e Married and th e Coupled Up. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Gotham, 201 2). Lev i ne, Stephen, and Ondr ea Lev i ne. Em brac ing th e Belov ed: Relations h ip as a Path of Aw ak ening. (N ew Yor k , N Y: A nc hor , 1 996). Lov e, Patr i c i a, and Stev en Stosny . How to I m prov e Your Marriage With out Talk ing about I t. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Thr ee Ri v er s, 2008). Luc as, Mar sha, PhD. Rew ire Your Brain for Lov e: Creating Vibrant Relations h ips Us ing th e S c ienc e of Mindfulnes s . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Hay House, 201 2). Master s, Rob er t A ugustus. Trans form ation Th rough I ntim ac y : Th e Journey Tow ard Aw ak ened Monogam y , r ev . ed. (Ber k el ey , CA : N or th A tl anti c , 201 2). Per el , Esther . Mating in Captiv ity : Unloc k ing Erotic I ntelligenc e. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Har per Per enni al , 2007 ). Real , Ter r enc e. Th e New Rules of Marriage: Wh at You Need to Know to Mak e Lov e Work . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Bal l anti ne, 2008).

Ri nger , Judy . Unlik ely Teac h ers : Finding th e Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflic t. (Por tsmouth, N H: OnePoi ntPr ess, 2006). Runk el , Hal Edw ar d. S c ream Free Marriage: Calm ing Dow n, Grow ing Up, and Getting Clos er. W i th Jenny Runk el . (N ew Yor k , N Y: Cr ow n A r c hety pe, 201 1 ). Sc hmi tz, Char l es D., and El i zab eth A . Sc hmi tz. Building a Lov e Th at Las ts : Th e S ev en S urpris ing S ec rets of S uc c es s ful Marriage. (San Fr anc i sc o, CA : Jossey -Bass, 2008). Si egel , Dani el J. Minds igh t: Th e New S c ienc e of Pers onal Trans form ation. (N ew Yor k , N Y: Bantam, 201 1 ). Si mpk i ns, C. A l ex ander , and A nnel l en Si mpk i ns. Th e Dao of Neuros c ienc e: Com bining Eas tern and Wes tern Princ iples for Optim al Th erapeutic Ch ange. (N ew Yor k , N Y: W . W . N or ton, 201 0). Sol omon, Mar i on, and Stan Tatk i n. Lov e and War in I ntim ate Relations h ips : Connec tion, Dis c onnec tion, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Th erapy . (N ew Yor k , N Y: W . W . N or ton, 201 1 ). Tatk i n, Stan. Wired for Lov e: How Unders tanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attac h m ent S ty le Can Help You Defus e Conflic t and Build a S ec ure Relations h ip. (Oak l and, CA : N ew Har b i nger , 201 2).

About the Authors A shl ey Dav i s Bush, LCSW , i s a psy c hother api st i n pr i v ate pr ac ti c e w i th ov er tw enty -f i v e y ear s of ex per i enc e hel pi ng peopl e l i v e r i c her , deeper l i v es. She i s the author of thr ee other sel f -hel p b ook s: S h ortc uts to I nner Peac e: 70 S im ple Path s to Ev ery day S erenity (Ber k l ey Book s, 201 1 ), Claim Your I nner Grow n-up: 4 Es s ential S teps to Auth entic Adulth ood (Putnam, 2001 ), and Trans c ending Los s : Unders tanding th e Lifelong I m pac t of Grief and How to Mak e I t Meaningful (Ber k l ey Book s, 1 997 ). A shl ey i s a r egul ar b l ogger f or the Huf f i ngton Post and an ac c ompl i shed si nger /ac tr ess. Dani el A r thur Bush, PhD, b egan hi s c ar eer i n the ac ademi c w or l d of anthr opol ogy . He made a mi dl i f e c ar eer c hange to the mental -heal th f i el d w hen he b egan managi ng A shl ey ’s psy c hother apy pr ac ti c e and ev entual l y b ec ame tr ai ned as a mental -heal th c ounsel or . A shl ey and Dani el together hav e r ec ov er ed f r om thei r f i r st mar r i ages, b l ended a f ami l y , l ear ned heal thy c ommuni c ati on sk i l l s, and dev el oped these hab i ts to hel p them stay i nti mate, c onnec ted, and i n l ov e ev er y day . They c onsi der thei r mar r i age to b e one of the gr eatest b l essi ngs i n thei r l i v es.

Acknowledgments Hav i ng John W i l l i g, of Li ter ar y Ser v i c es, Inc ., to r epr esent us has b een a sour c e of tr emendous joy . Ev en dur i ng tr y i ng ec onomi c ti mes, John b el i ev ed i n thi s pr ojec t f r om the b egi nni ng. He saw the potenti al and the need f or thi s b ook and made a matc h w i th the per f ec t pub l i shi ng house. W e c oul dn’t ask f or a f i ner l i ter ar y agent! W or k i ng w i th the f ol k s at A dams Medi a, b egi nni ng w i th V i c tor i a Sandb r ook and i nc l udi ng ev er y memb er of the team, has b een a total del i ght. Peter A r c her , our dedi c ated edi tor , pr ov i ded f r esh di r ec ti on, c l ear gui danc e, and c r eati v e sol uti ons to push thi s pr ojec t to i ts hi ghest potenti al . It has b een an i nv i gor ati ng pr oc ess to c ol l ab or ate w i th suc h a v i si onar y pub l i shi ng house. W e ar e ex tr emel y gr atef ul to the c l i ents w ho i nv i te us on the i nti mate jour ney of gr ow th and heal i ng. They teac h, i nspi r e, and moti v ate us to b e b etter peopl e. Hav i ng the honor of w or k i ng i n the f i el d of psy c hother apy i s tr ul y a gi f t. W e thank our f ami l i es, espec i al l y our f i v e c hi l dr en, w ho hav e b een hear i ng ab out the c ontents—and w atc hi ng the pr ogr ess—of thi s b ook f or sev er al y ear s. Fi nal l y , w e w ant to ex tend par ti c ul ar gr ati tude to y ou, the r eader , f or i nv esti ng the ti me and ener gy i nto i mpr ov i ng y our mar r i age. It tak es c our age to i nsi st on an i nti mate c onnec ti on and w e appl aud y our ef f or ts! Thank y ou f or l etti ng us hel p y ou on the jour ney .

Praise for 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage “If y ou’v e l ost that l ov i ng f eel i ng, 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage shoul d top y our to-do l i st. Thi s b ook of f er s a w eal th of smal l steps y ou c an tak e to b r i ng the w ar mth and r omanc e b ac k i nto y our mar r i age. The adv i c e i s b oth w i se and pr ac ti c al . I espec i al l y l ov e the c onc r ete i deas f or w hat to do on a date to mak e i t a suc c ess. Hi ghl y r ec ommended!” —Claire Hatc h , LCS W, auth or of Sav e Your Mar r i age: Get Ri d of Your Resentment “A shl ey and Dani el Bush b r i ng an enl i ghtened i nsi ght to c oupl es. Thi s b ook gi v es y ou hel pf ul , ef f ec ti v e methods to f oster posi ti v e mi nd-b r ai n-b ody c hanges. You c an r eaw ak en y our l ov e b y f or gi ng heal thy hab i ts i n c onnec ti on, c ommuni c ati on, and i nti mac y . In addi ti on, thi s b ook w i l l teac h y ou to v al ue w hat y ou hav e and gui de y ou to r ec l ai m y our posi ti v e f eel i ngs. The b ul k of the b ook gi v es c l ear ex er c i ses f or i mpl ementi ng hab i ts that w i l l c hange how y ou thi nk and f eel i n y our sel f and ab out eac h other . A nd w i th i nspi r i ng stor i es and a w ar m and easy sty l e, y ou w i l l f i nd the hab i ts easy to i mpl ement. Do the ex er c i ses, and y ou w i l l natur al l y and gentl y di sc ov er the joy s that a c l ose and happy r el ati onshi p c an b r i ng!” —C. Alexander S im pk ins , Ph D, and Annellen M. S im pk ins , Ph D, auth ors of

Zen Medi tati on i n Psy c hother apy and The Dao of N eur osc i enc e “Her e’s a per f ec t r esour c e f or c oupl es, ex pl or i ng dai l y atti tudes and b ehav i or s so c entr al to b ui l di ng and mai ntai ni ng joy and i nti mac y . W hi l e so many other mar r i age gui des f oc us on damage c ontr ol , thi s b ook i s i nstead a v er i tab l e tr easur e tr ov e of smal l , pr ac ti c al steps any c oupl e c an r egul ar l y tak e to av oi d tox i c ‘dr i f t,’ and to nur tur e a happy par tner shi p. A s a c oupl es ther api st, I w i l l w hol ehear tedl y r ec ommend thi s ‘mar i tal mi ndf ul ness’ gem to my c l i ents!” —S us an Lager, LCS W, auth or of The Coupl espeak ™ Ser i es: “I’m Tal k i ng! A r e You Li steni ng?” Fi x Communi c ati on Pr ob l ems w i th Your Par tner i n N o Ti me Fl at! and Bec ome Rel ati onshi p Smar t W i thout a Li f eti me of Ther apy “W hether new l y w ed, happi l y mar r i ed f or many y ear s, or somew her e i n b etw een, 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage w i l l of f er a b r eath of f r esh ai r and new ener gy to y our r el ati onshi p. It r emi nds us that now i s the ti me to b ui l d i nti mac y , b oost sensual i ty , and of f er gr ati tude.” —Judy Ringer, auth or of U nl i k el y Teac her s: Fi ndi ng the Hi dden Gi f ts i n Dai l y Conf l i c t

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Davis Bush and Daniel Bush. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews. Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc. 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A. www.adamsmedia.com eISBN 10: 1-4405-6226-1 eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-6226-6 Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and F+W Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.