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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
Welcome! I am very excited to share the following ideas with you. What you will find below is a highly concentrated collection of some of the most powerful techniques used by psychologists and life coaches to help people overcome their obstacles to social confidence so they can enjoy the success they truly desire in their lives. I suspect you are reading this book because you are struggling with some area of your life. It may be feeling uncomfortable, afraid, or embarrassed when it comes to meeting new people or making friends. It may be an intense sense of fear or even paralysis when it comes to starting conversations with attractive women. It may be a difficulty in putting yourself out there at work in order to be seen, respected, and appreciated for your talents.
Whatever area you are struggling in because of a lack of confidence, this book can help you. It will give you some basic, easily applicable tools and strategies that you can start using today to change how you think and feel about yourself. I can relate to your challenges with social confidence, and I think you would be surprised how many people also struggle to feel comfortable in their own skin. I spent much of my early life in a perpetual state of self-criticism and self-doubt. I didn’t believe that I was attractive to women, I didn’t believe I could find a career that I would enjoy, and I didn’t believe I had what it took to succeed as a man in the world. Speaking up in a small group made me nervous and I would spend a large amount of my time preparing what I would say in my head. Speaking in front of a group was absolutely terrifying – I would get panicky and short of breath, and I avoided it at all costs. Fortunately, I did not give up. Thanks to people in my life who believed in me when I could not believe in myself, some part of me decided that I was going to figure it out. I decided that I did not have to live my life this way, that I would not live my life this way. I spent the next decade zealously studying what helps people release self-doubt and self-criticism so that they may pursue their passion and purpose in this life. I read over 150 books in the field of psychology, behavioral change, and self-help. I completed dozens of audio programs and seminars and listened to the ideas of numerous speakers and creative thinkers. I also simultaneously attended a doctorate program in Clinical Psychology at the PGSP-Stanford Consortium and spent hundreds of hours working with people struggling with the very same things I struggled with. My work continues to this day, and I have come to realize that we never reach a point in our lives where everything is perfect and we are in a state of perpetual happiness and satisfaction. It’s not possible, I’m afraid.
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What is possible is to change the ideas and beliefs you have about yourself.
It is possible to believe in yourself, to have the courage to be who you are in any situation, and to trust that you are totally capable of reaching your highest goals. It is possible to pursue a vision or dream that gives your life a sense of excitement, meaning, and fulfillment. It is possible to have just the kind of relationships and friendships you want with the people you like most. It is possible to enjoy exciting, satisfying sexual experiences with as many women as you would like or to have a deep, satisfying, amazing connection with that one special woman who changes your life forever. All of this is possible and I’ve seen it happen for myself and countless others. For now, you might just have to trust me. You’ve already taken the first step by beginning to read this book, and I deeply respect the willingness and courage it takes to begin to change your life for the better. What you will find below is a collection of 7 of the most useful and immediately applicable ideas, strategies, exercises and approaches I’ve used with clients and myself over the years. Like anything else, the more you put in, the more you will get out of it. I encourage you to start a journal and do as many of the exercises as you can. It could make the difference between learning a few interesting ideas from this book and beginning a transformation process that will radically shift how you see yourself and your options in this world. The choice is yours. If you have any questions about these exercises or social confidence in general, please email me your question at
[email protected]. Good luck on your journey, and may you have the courage to be who you are!
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
Introduction: The Menu of Life What do you want? Imagine you were sitting down at a restaurant and looking at a menu, and you had no concerns about how much anything would cost. You can order whatever you like, and as much as you like. Only instead of food, the items on this menu include money, fitness, health, happiness, dating, relationships, and any other thing in life you may want. If there were no limitations, and you were just selecting what you wanted, what would you choose? The waiter comes to take your order and you might say: “Yes, hi there, I’ll have 150,000 dollars a year doing something I love, 7 hot and exciting sexual relationships with 7 different women, a strong and healthy body without physical pain, and hmmm, let’s see… oh yeah, I’ll also take a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship in about 4 years.” “Very good choices, sir. Anything else?” “Yeah, I’ll also have a strong sense of confidence and belief in myself, a good relationship with my dad, and owning my own business too.”
What would you order? Even more specifically, what would you order in the realm of social confidence? Let’s say you were at a level 10 (out of 10) for social confidence. What would that look like for you? Take a moment to imagine yourself at that level. Forget for a second whether you think it’s possible or not, or how you’ll get there. This is the menu, remember? What do you see? Are you outgoing and warm with new people? Can you go up and start conversations with women? Are you dating women? In a relationship? Are you able to speak in front of a group? More importantly how does someone who’s at a level 10 of social confidence feel? How does he feel about being denied or rejected? Does he let it get to him? How does he see himself? What does he believe about himself and his abilities? Take a moment to write down some of your ideas.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
What is Social Confidence? What does confidence mean to you? If you’re anything like me, I believed confidence was something people either had or didn’t. And sadly, I was in the “didn’t” category. As early as middle school, I would watch other boys my age speaking with girls and they seemed to just know what they were doing. I had no clue how to start or hold a conversation and I assumed I was missing something essential. Whenever I tried to start conversations or ask women out, I felt so much fear that I would freeze up or become stilted and awkward. As I grew older, this fear paralyzed me in other areas as well, including speaking in front of the class or taking a shot on goal in soccer. I would think: man, if only I had more confidence. Those guys aren’t scared at all. They just know what they’re doing and have it all figured out. My basic belief was that my fear was preventing me from feeling confident. As long as I was afraid, I could never be confident. Then, one Sunday afternoon when I was an undergrad in college, I came across the true definition of confidence, which forever changed how I saw myself and this elusive trait. Confidence comes from the Latin words com (with) and fides (trust or faith).
Confidence is simply acting with trust or faith in yourself. There is no reference to fear in this definition. In other words, you can be terrified, and still act with confidence! This changed everything for me. I began to see that fear and doubt were part of confidence. That even the most powerful and successful people felt fear and self-doubt, they just chose to act with faith despite the fear. Based on this, I would define social confidence as a continual process of the following: 1. Having the courage to do what you most want, in spite of fear and self-doubt. 2. Prove to yourself that you are indeed worthy of love and belonging just as you are, and that you are extremely capable of reaching your goals and dreams. In my experience, we must repeat this loop hundreds of times, in all areas of our lives – dating, relationships, dancing, singing, artistic creations, pursuing your dream career, speaking in public, and anything else you can imagine. The silver lining is that the more times we act with faith in ourselves, the more we start to realize in a deep level that we are lovable and capable. The fear and self-doubt then starts to diminish. We start to know deep in our core that we are valuable, loveable beings who have much to offer those around us and the world. Are you ready to begin your journey of Social Confidence?
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
7 Secrets of Social Confidence 1. Assume Approval Are you concerned with what other people think of you? When you speak with someone you don’t know very well, do you start to wonder what they think of you? Does she like me? Does he find me interesting? Does she want to keep talking with me? This is a natural part of being an empathic social creature, and everyone does it. When we lack social confidence, however, we are subconsciously assuming other people won’t like us. We enter into social situations assuming the other person will judge us as boring or awkward and not want to be near us. Take a moment to imagine the following scenario: You are standing in your favorite café or coffee shop and are waiting to receive your food or drink. You look to your left and see a beautiful woman waiting there next to you. She is so compelling that you feel a strong desire to start a conversation with her… What happens next? In fact, what happens as you imagine this scenario? Do you get nervous just thinking about it? Does your heart start beating faster and do your palms start to get moist? Many men in this scenario will pretend to be totally absorbed in that Starbucks CD rack, sneaking furtive glances at this beautiful women. They think to themselves: What do I say?? I have nothing to talk with her about. She probably has a boyfriend. She knows I’m looking at her, she probably thinks I’m a creep. Then she gets her coffee and walks off and you breathe a sigh of relief. Whew… Only moments later you feel a pang of regret and it feels more like a sigh of dismay than relief. You may even start criticizing yourself for not being more of a man, or “having more balls.” I have much more to say about that whole process of self-criticism in later sections, but for now let’s stick with the scenario. Why didn’t you talk with her? Because you were subconsciously, or maybe even consciously, assuming she would not like you. Now what kind of way is that to go through life? To assume that people will think we’re annoying, uninteresting, unattractive, or otherwise unappealing. This assumption comes from a deeper place within ourselves that we are just fundamentally unlovable.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
Do you remember the definition of Social Confidence? We must do the things we are scared of to prove to ourselves again and again that we are indeed loveable and capable. If you never approach her, you can go on thinking that you are indeed going to be rejected because you’re not attractive, suave, or charming enough. So what if you decided to just start assuming approval? With her, with people at work, with everyone. What would you do in this scenario if you knew she would be totally into you? If you assumed that she would like talking with you because you’re an interesting person?
How would you act if you knew people liked your attention? If people felt excited and curious to speak with you? Let yourself imagine a scene in which you assumed approval and approached someone and she did in fact like talking with you. Actually take a moment to close your eyes right now and let this movie play out in your own mind. In psychology there is a concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is the tendency for us to bring about what we expect to happen. If we are expecting people to dislike us, we will approach in a tentative, stilted manner. We read in between the lines of what they are saying or interpret their body language as negative and hastily conclude they do indeed dislike us. Conversely, when we assume someone will like us, we approach them like an old friend. We smile and greet them and ask them a question or tell them something we find interesting. If they look away or look down for a second, we assume they are thinking or maybe feeling preoccupied. We smile and keep engaging with them. Try the following exercise for a week and see what happens when you start assuming approval in all social interactions.
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SEVEN DAY CHALLENGE: ASSUME APPROVAL For the next week, whenever you are about to interact with others, silently ask yourself: “If I knew I would be approved of no matter what, how would I act right now? What would I say?” Start assuming that:
People will respond warmly to you.
People are interested in what you have to say.
People want to be around you and like being in your presence.
People will appreciate your friendly touch – shoulder pat, handshake, etc.
People are curious about your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.
Remind yourself of these at least five times per day. Even better, try and remind yourself before each social interaction. You can write an “A” on the back of your hand to remind you throughout the day.
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2. Know Your Value When we are assuming others will dislike us, this is what psychologists call projection. That means you are feeling negatively towards yourself, and you project this feeling outwards onto everyone else, concluding everyone else will also feel negatively towards you. While assuming approval is a healthy first step, we must go deeper and begin to realize our true value and worth.
Are you aware of your value? Can you appreciate what you offer to others and what your presence brings to the world? For many of us, this is a challenging prospect that has been made quite difficult in our current society. We are constantly bombarded with messages that there is in fact something lacking in us, and we must purchase a product or do something in order to become more worthwhile and loveable. This is almost like a collective trance that we all buy into. When we are in this trance, we are disconnected from our inherent sense of worth. We start to assume we don’t matter, that what we feel, think, say and do doesn’t really matter much. Worse still, we forget about all of the parts of us that make us valuable, unique, vibrant humans. We don’t see our strengths, accomplishments, abilities. We discount that just our presence and aliveness, without doing anything magnificent, is appealing, interesting and lovable.
Knowing your value is a commitment to remember your strengths, your gifts, your impact, and your intrinsic worth as a unique human on this planet. Why is it you think you don’t matter? Because you don’t have enough money or the right set of socially prescribed physical attributes? This is ridiculous! Knowing is much deeper than thinking or believing you have value. It is combined with a sense of certainty, an attitude of: of course I’m enough, what a silly question! Of course I matter and what I think, feel, say and do matters. Of course I’m worthy of love and belonging. I came across this power of knowing in a most unexpected place – at a music and arts festival in a forest in California. I was sitting on the grass with a friend, enjoying the music when a heavy-set fellow with shaggy blond hair and bright blue eyes sat down next to us. His hair was disheveled, his pupils were as big as dinner plates, and he was sweating profusely. Clearly he was in the midst of a mind-expanding experience of sorts. Without introductions or any other preamble he looked me in the eye and proclaimed “I’ve figured it out.” Intrigued by his certainty and curious about what wisdom he would bring back from his mind-expanded travels, I waited in silence for him to continue.
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“There are 3 kinds of people in this world,” he said. “The first kind think that they’re shit. Nothing they do is good enough.” “The second kind of people think that they’re awesome. They think everything they do is so great, better than most… “ “But,” he continued with utmost conviction, “both types are wrong.” He looked me square in the eye and paused for effect. “The third type of people are the only ones who see clearly. These people know that they’re awesome.” He smiled triumphantly and leaned back with the satisfaction of a man who just spoke an insightful truth The satisfaction of a man who knows he is awesome. Knowing our value involves a decision deep in your core to stop questioning your value based on the little (or big) things that happen in your daily life. Your setback, your falling short of some expectation you have for yourself - these “failings” in no way impact your value as a human. They are like little waves or ripples on the surface of an ocean of incredible depth. As a vibrant, sensitive, alive human on this planet, your value and the worth of your existence is as deep and mysterious as the oceans themselves. Complete the exercise on the next page to reconnect with your sense of value.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
ASK YOURSELF: WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT ME? Your answers to the questions below are directly related to how good you feel about yourself, your life, and how successful you are. When we are disconnected from our sense of personal value and when we are in this trance of unworthiness, we contract, limit ourselves, and our lives become diminished. Conversely, when we awaken from this trance and once again know on a deep level that we are of the highest value and that we contribute more to this world than we realize, then our interactions are satisfying, our lives are more meaningful, and our futures more bright. Take the time to answer these questions. To greatly increase the impact of this exercise, take the time to write out the answers to these questions in a journal on your computer or on paper. 1. What are 3 of your strengths? (List and describe) 2. What is something you worked hard on and persevered in, despite setbacks? What quality or strengths of yours allowed you to do this? 3. What are you proud of in your life? Write everything you can think of (both big and small). 4. Who do you love? Who loves you? 5. What would the people in your life who love and respect you say about you? Describe yourself from their perspective (ex. “He is really intelligent and has a big heart”, “She is always learning something new”) 6. What are you committed to in your life right now? 7. Why do you think you’re here on this earth? What gifts do you have? What do you most want to create?
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3. Accept All of Yourself (now, not later) Self-acceptance, or lack of it, is the single biggest factor in how we feel about ourselves, our lives, and our future. If we are lacking self-acceptance, then it does not matter how many external riches we have obtained, we are in a state of suffering. Many of us are living our lives with a sense of guilt, shame, or “badness.” For some of us it is a chronic feeling that persists over our lives like a thick blanket of clouds. It comes up when we’re alone or with others – at work or in our close relationships. It is that sinking painful feeling in your gut that there is something wrong with you, that you are not enough, that you are bad and therefore don’t deserve love or good things from this world. When we are in this state, we are rejecting a part of ourselves. We reject the part of us that is scared, timid, over-eager, foolish, too trusting, lazy, selfish, needy, and so on. We see or feel this part of ourselves and immediately try to crush it with self-criticism: I didn’t do well enough on that test/project, I didn’t say the right thing, she’s mad at me – I’m such a selfish jerk, that joke I made last night was terrible, I’m so awkward, I’m such a wimp, I’m so lazy… and on and on it goes. Each criticism is a barb, each harsh judgment of ourselves cuts a little deeper into the wounds in our hearts, and each one reinforces this idea that there is in fact something fundamentally wrong with us. Accepting all of yourself is a philosophy that challenges this false belief. It involves taking a stand against this individual and cultural paradigm and deciding to stop the self-attack.
It involves trusting that you are inherently good and that you don’t need to constantly berate, beat, and abuse yourself in order to be “good” or under control. It means accepting yourself before you ask the girl out, accepting yourself for feeling afraid or nervous, and accepting yourself afterwards even if it goes terribly.
Can you choose to accept yourself now, before you’ve become all the things you’re “supposed” to become?
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
These are referred to as conditions of worth, and they operate something like this: I’ll be worthy of love and belonging when: _______________ (insert your personal rules here). For example:
I’ll be worthy of my love and acceptance when: I don’t feel anxious or shy around new people. I am strong and fearless in all situations. I am able to approach any woman, anywhere and have her swoon over me. I make the team, pass the test, or achieve that goal. Everyone around me is happy and pleased with me. I lose 20 pounds. I get a girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband. I no longer have this problem (insert your favorite persistent problem here).
What are your conditions of worth? Are they reasonable? What would life be like if you decided were worthy now, in this moment, regardless of these conditions? The problem with these conditions of worth is that we never quite make it. Even if the stars align and we meet all of our standards for an hour, or even a day, it doesn’t last. We have to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day. This is the treadmill of self-worth we are running on, always needing to stay on top of it, or we tumble off into the pit of feeling not enough, unlovable, or unworthy. The good news is this can change.
You can decide, in this moment, to be committed to radical selfacceptance. This means being on your own side no matter what. This means paying attention to what you are feeling and wanting with compassion, patience, and love. This decision is a necessary starting point, and must be followed by consistent committed action. The path to self-compassion and self-acceptance is a continual practice and is a skill we can cultivate over our lifetimes.
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SEVEN DAY CHALLENGE: COMPLETE SELF-ACCEPTANCE The next time you notice yourself feeling an uncomfortable emotion, or being hard on yourself for something, try the following. Notice whatever feeling or thought is arising in you, and say out loud: “I love myself for ___________”, filling in the blank with a description of whatever you are noticing. You can also try the phrasing: “Even though I ___________, I choose to love and accept myself.” For example: I love myself for feeling sad and heavy in my chest. Even though I’m feeling scared, I choose to love and accept myself right now. Even though I’m feeling frustrated with myself, I choose to love and accept myself. Even though I’m hating myself, I choose to love and accept myself. I love myself for being confused and angry in front of my girlfriend. I love myself for feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Whatever comes up, you simply acknowledge it and offer yourself love for it. After each statement, take a deep breath in and release it with a sigh. Try this exercise once a day for the next seven days.
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4. Fire Coach A (and hire Coach B) Imagine you are at a little league baseball game watching some 10 year old kids play on the field. There’s a kid, Tim, who is out in left field, looking a little bored with the pace of things. All of a sudden, the batter hits a high fly ball right in Tim’s direction. He darts left, then right, then back, then forward in a harried attempt to get under the ball. He pauses for just a moment, holds his glove up and… the ball falls 8 feet behind him. He hastily turns, grabs the ball, and throws it back to second base, but by this time one runner has made it in for a run. Tim is upset and disappointed, his teammates are upset, Coach A is really upset. He storms out onto the field, marching directly towards Tim. “What the hell was that??” he yells. “How could you have missed that ball? That was an important play, and that was an easy grab! What the hell is wrong with you?? Come on Tim, you’ve got to get those! I expect to see a lot more out of you or I’m going to bench your ass.” How is Tim feeling now? In addition to upset and disappointed, now he might be feeling scared, angry, ashamed, guilty, and bad. Did he learn anything useful about how to improve his game? He is going to be more confident and ready to catch the next ball? This scenario may seem extreme, but unfortunately this is not too far off from our own coaching style.
Pay attention to how you coach yourself when you make a mistake or when you’re facing something challenging. You may be surprised by what your self-talk is. Let’s take the example of seeing an attractive woman to approach for a conversation. What is your internal talk like? For many, Coach A is running the show: You don’t have anything good to say. You are a creep and she’ll see how needy and desperate you are. She doesn’t want to talk with you. How’s that for motivation? Let’s say you somehow ignore this terrible coach and actually make the courageous step of starting a conversation. What happens next? Well, if he’s not actively tripping you while you’re talking with her, he is certainly waiting for you after you’re done: What the hell was that? You are so awkward and weird. She totally hates you. I can see why. My god you are so stupid! There is no limit to how far Coach A can take things. I’ve experienced his “coaching” even after I had a totally pleasant conversation that went surprisingly well. He’d creep back into my mind: Sure you talked to her, but you didn’t ask for her number. You’re such a wuss.
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"Well," you might say, "that's how I motivate myself. I am pushing myself to be better." This is a common belief, but is it true? Does berating ourselves make us become better? Research by Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has found that when we receive a list of negative feedback we actually become more afraid to take risks or make mistakes and end up taking less action towards our goals.
Our negative coaching doesn't inspire us to take the shot on goal - it causes us to be too afraid to try. Animal trainers who can teach massive marine mammals how to jump through hoops in the air - an incredibly intricate sequence of events - perform this amazing feat solely through positive reinforcement. They praise the animal when it does well, rewarding it for each small step in the right direction. They do not achieve this result by berating the dolphin for not jumping high enough! And besides, even if berating ourselves did make us more effective, is that how you want to live?
Motivating yourself through harsh self-criticism is like using dirty fuel in your car. It may get the job done, but it messes up your innards. So, what is an alternative? Imagine the same scenario above on the baseball field. Batter hits a high fly ball, Tim scurries around, ball falls 8 feet behind his open glove. Imagine now there is a different coach – Coach B. He calmly walks out onto the field and stops in front of Tim. “Well,” he sighs, “you missed that one. And they got a run, which is a bummer. Here’s where you went wrong – you need to stand about 10 feet back from where you think you should in order to catch high fly balls. Everyone makes that mistake at first, and you’ll get it because you’re quick and smart. Keep up the hustle Tim.” Now how is Tim feeling? He is most likely still disappointed and a little upset because he did miss the ball. However, he received some practical advice and some support and encouragement. How would Coach B sound in a dating situation? He might say: I know you’re scared. Going up and starting a conversation with someone you don’t know is scary for most people! Remember to breathe and keep in mind she is a person just like you – with hopes and dreams and flaws and things she’s scared of. You don’t need to impress her, just be who you are. No matter what happens, you are a good person. Know that you are awesome!
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Which coach are you using? A or B? Which coach would you prefer to be using? Which coach would be more helpful in reaching your goals and help you feel happy and confident?
SEVEN DAY CHALLENGE: HIRE A NEW COACH Many of us have let the toxic coach run things for a long time. Changing the way we take care of ourselves starts with a decision, and then must be followed up by practice. For the next 7 days, take 5 minutes once per day to do the following:
Think of a challenging moment from the day when the toxic coach was active and engaged. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side, write out all the things the toxic coach is saying. Getting them out on paper diminishes their power over you. Then pause, get up and move around, shake out your body, and ask yourself: “what would a good coach say in this situation?” Write this out on the right hand side of the line. For example:
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Toxic Coach This article is terrible, no one will think it’s good.
Healthy Coach You’re doing a good job here. Way to put in the effort.
You have so much to do, and you’ll never get it all done.
Look how much you’ve already completed. Just keep at it!
She doesn’t want to talk with you, you are way too awkward and a loser.
Yes, you’re totally nervous right now, but remember how much you have to offer. Even gladiators feel fear.
You’re feeling scared and anxious again?? What’s wrong with you?!
Hey buddy, I see you’re scared. That’s ok, I believe in you and I know you can do this.
© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
5. Do What You’re Scared Of No one likes this one. We can spend our entire day, week, or lives avoiding the things we are most afraid to do. We also tend to avoid things that are just plain uncomfortable or boring. Humans beings have what is called a comfort zone. This is the area where we feel most comfortable and where we try to spend most of our lives. It includes where we live, who we interact with, how we interact, what we wear, what activities we choose to do, what risks we take, the job we pursue and many other things. In general, we avoid doing anything outside of our comfort zone. When asked to do so, we will often refuse and say “no, thanks. That’s not me. I don’t do that sort of thing.” Just go up to a stranger, start a conversation with her, and then ask for her number? No thanks, that’s not me. I don’t do that sort of thing.
The fatal flaw in the comfort zone is that it slowly contracts around you over time. It is like the trash compactor walls in the original Star Wars movie. It’s slowly moving inwards, restricting what you believe you are able to do. What’s worse is that whatever is outside of the comfort zone starts to take on an aura of impossibility. I could never do that, we say. The only way to overcome social fear, self-doubt, and self-criticism is to actively and consistently go outside of your comfort zone.
That is to say, the only way to get the social confidence you desire, to have the dating life, relationships, career, money, success, and life you desire is to actively and consistently go outside of your comfort zone. This is the single most important key to developing confidence. It is virtually impossible to build confidence without doing this. Groan… Certainly there’s another way right? Can’t I just read more books and listen to more seminars and then go do those things when my mind is all super powered? I’m afraid that doesn’t work. Studying more and more techniques can be a very creative form of avoidance. You have to get out there and start doing what you’re afraid of.
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Are you afraid to sing? Start singing when you’re alone at home or in your car. Are you afraid to dance? Then start dancing alone at home. Are you afraid to talk to beautiful women? Then go out and start 3 conversations with some nice older women in their 60’s and 70’s. Do you notice a pattern in the suggestions? It is to start small, and work your way up. You don’t need to slay Goliath on your first day. In fact, trying to do so can lead to a sense of failing and an even stronger return to the comfort zone. When you start the goal is to find something that makes you moderately anxious (about a 3-5 on a scale of 10). It can also be helpful to explore what you are scared of. Take a moment to imagine the things you are scared of socially. For most it’s: being rejected, ridiculed, mocked, looking foolish, being talked about behind my back, having people take pity on me, being left out, being ostracized, being despised and alone.
If we’re afraid of it, it’s safe to say it’s outside the comfort zone. Let’s take rejection. Applying this strategy, the only way to overcome a fear of rejection is to…? That’s right, get rejected! (Groans) I know, no one likes to hear that one either. If it helps, you can think of getting rejected like getting inoculated with a small pox vaccine. It may make you slightly under the weather for a day, but overall you are protected from that pain in the future. Similarly, each time we get rejected, and use Coach B to help support us through it, we build up a tolerance to rejection.
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SEVEN DAY CHALLENGE: APPROACH THE LION Take the time to write out about 10 things that scare you socially. These may include: starting a conversation with a stranger, starting a conversation with an attractive woman, smiling at people on the sidewalk, speaking to a group of 3 or more people, starting a conversation with a coworker, saying no to someone’s request, telling someone I didn’t like something, asking a woman out, eating alone at a restaurant, going to the movies alone, and so on. Choose 3 of those areas and come up with a specific activity you can do that scares you. Pick something that is about a 4-5 our of 10 in terms of how scary it is. For example: Walking down a crowded sidewalk and smiling and saying hello to 10 strangers. Then do it! IMPORTANT: Before you take action, write in your journal what you are most afraid of happening. Then write what you will do or how you will handle it if this does happen. Then, after doing the activity, write out what actually happened. This step is crucial to reprogramming our minds and accelerating the benefits gained from acting with courage.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
6. What Do I Want? Asking yourself this question many times a day is a necessary part of developing a healthy sense of confidence. This is because in any social situation there are different people with different desires, wants, wishes, hopes, expectations and needs.
When we are unaware of what our own desires and needs are, we tend to look to others for how to behave. Psychologists call this an external frame of reference. This means we are looking externally, or outside of ourselves, for what we should do. In its most obvious form, this comes out as indecisiveness or passivity – Where do you want to go? What do you want to eat? What do you want to do this afternoon? In less obvious ways we may do this by changing the subject when speaking with someone because we think they are bored, even if we are really interested in it. Or we may call someone back right away, even if we don’t want to, but we fear they will be upset if we don’t.
Each time we disconnect from our own needs and wants, we lose some part of our integrity, strength, vitality and confidence. We start to become a 2 dimensional facsimile of ourselves. We become what we think other people want in order to gain approval and acceptance. Even if we do get someone’s approval or acceptance, we often feel hollow, unsatisfied or secretly irritated inside, because we were not being true to ourselves. In order to enjoy a healthy and consistent sense of social confidence, you must start to ask yourself: what do I really want in this situation? This requires looking inwards and listening to the signals coming from your own mind, your chest and stomach (they often get tight when you are ignoring your own wants and needs), and your heart. “But if I just do whatever I want all the time, won’t I be selfish? No one will want to be around me.” This is a common initial concern. In my experience, most people who are concerned about being overly selfish are actually habitual self-deniers who value everyone else’s wants and needs before their own. This shift is towards balancing the importance of your wants with those of others. It involves exploring, listening to, and knowing your own desires, needs, and wants so that you can state them more clearly. You may not always take action on them, but acknowledging them to yourself is essential.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
INQUIRY: BUT I SHOULDN’T WANT THAT… Many of us have a long list of things we “shouldn’t” want. These are things that we have been taught by family, society, religions, and many other external sources are bad or wrong.
It is absolutely essential to separating wanting something from doing something. As humans, we all want hundreds of things per day that may or may not be socially acceptable. It is important for you to be able to acknowledge what you want to yourself, without making it bad or wrong. Throughout the day, regularly ask yourself “what do I really want in this situation?”
Pay attention to the answers that arise. Equally important, pay attention to the critical part of your mind that tells you that you shouldn’t want that. If you’d like, in the evening you could write out some of the “shoulds” with a healthy response next to each one. For example: Toxic Coach I shouldn’t want to be apart from my girlfriend.
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Healthy Coach Of course I want to be apart sometimes, that’s normal and healthy. I can ask for what I want.
I shouldn’t want to just have sex with a woman and not want a relationship.
Of course I want to have sex! I am a human being. I can be open and straightforward about what I am wanting with her. She may want the same thing.
I shouldn’t want to do better than my coworker.
Of course I want to outdo him. It’s ok to feel competitive and jealous. I can choose to not act from that place.
© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
7. Trust Yourself (no one else has it all figured out) When we are shy, anxious, or otherwise struggling, our minds can tend to compare us to some “normal” person who doesn’t have these difficulties. In our minds this normal person doesn’t experience very much fear around others, is pretty outgoing and confident in themselves most of the time, they enter into relationships and find them exciting and fun, they manage conflicts well and don’t avoid them, and they feel happy and content most of the time. Because of this belief, we conclude something is wrong with us and that we need to find someone who can tell us how to be “normal.” This creates a process of searching outside of yourself for the answers. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge believer in being a life-long learner and have I have learned hundreds of things from others that have changed my life.
At the end of the day, however, it is essential to look inward and listen to your own heart. I’m not talking about listening inward to your inner critic or Coach A, but to that part of you that knows. The sad truth is that “normal” is to be struggling. Over half of marriages end in divorce, 15% of people in the U.S. are taking medications to alleviate mental and emotional suffering, millions of people regularly abuse alcohol, drugs, television, food, sugar and caffeine. This is not a rant against society, but a reflection of the reality that being a human is hard. Just being in a body means you will regularly feel pain and discomfort – physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain. Everyone struggles. There’s no way to avoid it. The key to remember is that everyone’s got something to deal with. Even if you see someone who is charismatic, has many friends, and seemingly has no problems being outgoing or feeling comfortable in a relationship. That doesn’t mean they do not struggle. Maybe their thing isn’t social fears, but it’s anger, or severe procrastination. Maybe they regularly struggle with being motivated to do anything or to eat healthy. Maybe they berate themselves for being so lazy all of the time. Who knows? You can rest assure that they struggle with a number of things, just like you do. What we can do is to strive to be patient and compassionate with ourselves by practicing total selfacceptance, knowing our value, and using Coach B. We can also continue to learn about ourselves to reduce our suffering by releasing unhelpful negative beliefs of ourselves. This is a lifelong journey, and there is no one who has it all figured out. Most importantly, no one else has it all figured out for you. You must continue to strengthen your trust in yourself, to become your own authority.
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
The more you practice the skills in this book, the more you will start to develop a healthy sense of trust in yourself. May these ideas, activities and exercises help you on your path to greater social confidence. May you have the courage to be who you are!
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© 2011 The Center For Social Confidence, LLC
