600

Nokia:: Folders In Memory Card UsingFileManagerE71 Nokia:: Mail For Exchange OnE71- Sync With Inbox - Not With Folders Nokia::E71Setting Up Exchange Mail - How To View Sub Folders Nokia:: Realplayer&E71- Unable To Watch Saved Video Files - Reads Error Nokia::E71- No Access To Messaging Nokia::E71- Messaging 9.7.0.2 / No Pushmail Nokia:: Restore ABackupOnE71 NokiaE71:: CannotBackupVia PC Suite? Nokia::E71FirmwareAndReinstalled Messaging Nokia::E71- Offline ModeAndMessaging Nokia:: Can't Install Messaging OnE71 Nokia::E71- Installed Messaging But No Pushmail Nokia::E71- Messaging Not Working With Gmail Nokia::E71- Messaging Incompatible With Firmware V4

Nokia::E71- WordFileSaved In Message Folders Received Via Bluetooth (E71)My work mate send me a word doc via bluetooth. It lands automatically in my inbox in the SMS's folder. It opens with all the source coding of a doc document mixed up with the real contents. I can't transfer it anywhere apart from"my folder"which solves nothing. I can't get to it from the office word.

Posted: 06-Apr-2009

View 4 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71/ Recording A Call / Saved Voicemail Message In Audio Format

I'm looking for a way to record a call for myE71. Basically, I have a saved voicemail message that I want to get in any audiofileformat that I can play on my PC.Suggestions?

Posted: 06-21-2010 02:31 PM

View 5 Replies! View Related

IPhone 3G ::BackupCould Not Be Saved Error Message?

For the past 2 weeks, every time I sync my phone I get the following error message:"iTunes could not back up the iPhone phone name because thebackupcould not be saved on the computer."I used to be able tobackupfine but now it will notbackup. I tried doing a restore with the phone but that did not solve the problem. I've got a 3G phoneandam running 10.5.6. I've got plenty of available space on my hard drive.

Information:

MacBook

Mac OS X (10.5.6)

iPhone 3G

Posted: Feb 22, 2009

View 7 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71- How To Use MessagingAndCreate ANokiaMessaging Account Form Web Instead From Phone

I have aNokiaE71just update to the firmware 410.21.010. I did not recoveredbackupafter the upgradeandI formatted the memory card, so it's completely clean.

Now,NokiaEmail has appear as new included application so I would like to use it, but when I configure my email account (form a supported services: ovi, gmail, etc...), the wizard only configures my mobile for the typical IMAP client. It's strange, because I have a differentE71also update to this same firmareandNokiaMessaging works fineandcreates theNokiaMessaging account.How could useNokiaMessaging with myE71?. Is there some way to create aNokiaMessaging account form the web instead from the phone?.

Posted: 02-May-2010

View 6 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: Messaging - No Imap Folders

I have set up an Imap email account on email.nokia.comandinstalled latest version ofnokiamessaging on myE71. On nokia's site I am able to viewandselect the Imap folders available for my email account. The software on the phone sync's with the inbox ok but I cannot see the Imap folders anywhere... Am I missing something obvious

Posted: 09-Apr-2009

View 7 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: N97 Vanishing Folders (messaging)

Back again after never resolving the E70 issue. Got a new one now. Rebooted my N97 tonight as I tend to do every day (keep network connections fresh e.t.c)andALL my message folders disappeared. messaging"my folders"...ANDall my email settings went.

Yes I did try the changing to mass memory bit which has worked before tried every trick in the book no joy it just seems to have lost the link Before I totally pul my hair out, has anyone any ideas. Would be a shame to lose all my jokes,and1200 plus messages from a special someone.

Incidentally, if I synch this up with a PC, does it keep the info somewhere on the hard drive as I wont resynch as I can get back what I want before resynching again!

Posted: 25-Nov-2009

View 5 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: Folders In The Messaging Option Is Not Display

I don't know if this is a problem with everyone or just my phone but when i browse the phone memory in the comp, it only displays inbox, outbox, sent itemsanddrafts,andnot the saved messages that i moved to my folders...Now, i want to installnokiamaps in my mobile, so i wanted to know if the"my folder"messages are also included during the back-up.So, that i do not find them missing after restoring the back-upfile.

Posted: 30-Nov-2008

View 6 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: E61 - How ToBackupMessages Saved To Customized Folder On Phone

I want tobackupall the contents of my E61 prior to handing it in for repair again. The screen doesn´t work, so I cannot navigate on the phone itself though I can connect it to my PC.In the"NokiaCommunication Center"(I useNokiaPC Suiteandthat´s what opens when I hit the envelope symbol), I only see the followingSMSfolders: Inbox/ Draft/ Sent/ Outbox. On my phone, however, I have created a custom folder"important"andthe text messages in that one are - well, important. One holds a licence key I needed to activate a piece of softwareandI don´t have that key any other place.

Posted: 19-Mar-2009

View 4 Replies! View Related

IPhone :: Are Folders Saved In Backups?

If Ibackupmy phone, restore iOS 4andthe restore from thebackup, will all my folders be there or will I have to recreate them?

The reason I ask, is I already set everything up, but I want to enable Data Protectionandthat requires a restore.

Information:

iPhone 3GS 16 GB

iOS 4

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the

next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour

and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW'. I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

The case with the silk stockings

Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

Masonic Blooper WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked

where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." " My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." " OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret! ..................................................................... Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs. ..................................................................... How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows: 2 to complain that the light doesn't work. 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge. 3 to do a study on light in this Lodge. 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb. 2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure

enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !" I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down, following the white lines that ran down the center of the road. All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump. I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car. Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you. "Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I

knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!" Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY? A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position, "What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your escape"

DO-GOODERS! There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek, Florid.

While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with! Enjoy Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare. A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"

Another first degree. The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate promptly did just that!! (Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.). Sent by: Drew Grant Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and

he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance documents in his ritual book. When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents. He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts. The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....." Sent by: Colin R Goss PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!" Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M. Hartington Lodge No. 1021 Province of West Lancashire United Grand Lodge of England

The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says: "I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies: "Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!" Sent by : Daniel Hoehr MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)

In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence, and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed. The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot." Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA

-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland: "OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY" Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY

Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony". Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret" Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something" Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"

Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS" Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS". Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"? Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ... Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?" "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot." Sent by : Larry Johnson Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain

across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is #1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for #10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!! Sent by : [email protected]

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or

hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis

(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!" Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish) Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a

brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.

The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.

Sent by : (NAME) Edward Baral (GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what

package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."

Sent by : (NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M. (GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio (E-MAIL) [email protected]

As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising for annual inspection

Sent by : (NAME) David Blue (GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A (E-MAIL) [email protected]

The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"

Sent by : (NAME) Richard Saxby Jr. (GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York (E-MAIL) [email protected]

One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who won't pee in a mason jar!"

Sent by :

(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook (GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

Sent by : (NAME) Anonimous

A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"

NAME = R Frith

GRANDLODGE = UGLE E-MAIL = [email protected]

For all the Ark Mariners

Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish; Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-StoryCarp-Ark said God"

There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner "God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!

NAME = Siddharth Dhawan GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India E-MAIL = [email protected]

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish. "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii." "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish." "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!" "Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??" Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him". Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?" "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back." Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him." So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.

"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one." "Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!" At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

NAME = Felix Gordillo GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida E-MAIL = [email protected]

There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon

hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!

NAME = Dai McClymont GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC E-MAIL = [email protected]

A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only properly tiled room in the house."

NAME = Lawson Purdie GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland E-MAIL = [email protected]

A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).

NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM. GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio E-MAIL = [email protected]

A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot... "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler Jesus."

NAME = Allan Taylor GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland

E-MAIL = [email protected]

One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime"

NAME = Michael Morton GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA E-MAIL = [email protected]

A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph

E-MAIL = [email protected]

A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.

NAME = keith rowell GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE E-MAIL = [email protected]

two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep

NAME = W.B. Alex Harper GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada

Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.

What do you think goes on in there? asks one. I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other. After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped. What happened to you? asks the first. Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked. The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you.

name: Andrew Alexander lodge: Lodge of Commerce grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria

A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate, though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now at liberty to retire." To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."

name: Allan Barr P.M. lodge: St. John Slamannan No. grandlodge: Scotland

A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind". after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded? to which the brother answered "pass". undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother, tell them nothing"!

name: Charles Kettles lodge: Mad River # 77 grandlodge: GL of VT

“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic Birds.” Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to investigate?

We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner came over and offered to help us. “What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked. “Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried. That one goes for $500 said the owner. “What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked. “That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner. “And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked. “That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he sells for $1,000.” “Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I inquired. “Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner. “Wow”, I said, “What does he do?” “Nothing.”, replied the owner. “Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know. “All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.

name: W.Bro Vic Gillam lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England

A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand. Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge. Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.

name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE

A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in the Lodge”. The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”

name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off ­ go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter

went out to the farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"

name: Peter Taylor lodge: Albert , 448 grandlodge: Scotland

A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. “I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!” said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!” said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”

name: Stewart Brass lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario

There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk "What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".

name: Edd Alexander lodge: Mannford #515 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma

The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist!

name: JP Bernard lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96 grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec

"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"

WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,

A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO, IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB, HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.

THIS CREATED A STIR, IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD, WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN, WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.

"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE" TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN, IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL, WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.

BE IT AS IT MAY, A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED, TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT, AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.

IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME, WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY, WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,

WE HEARD SOME SAY.

CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED, WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP, WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY, FALL AND BREAK A HIP.

THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON, SEARCHING FOR THINGS, WHILE AVOIDING REALITY, THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".

THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT, YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS, WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE", SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.

MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM, I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME, IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP, WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE, CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK, WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.

THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT, IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE, THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.

EMBRACE THE FUTURE, AS WELL AS THE PAST, IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL, WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.

Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005

======================================== and:

Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

- 2 to complain that the light does not work; - 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes; - 3 to do a study on light in the lodge; - 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses; - 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it; - 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change; - 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs"; - 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and - 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed. name: David William Jones lodge: St Idloes No 1852 grandlodge: UGLE

A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!" After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?" The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex ????..."

name: jnchowdhary lodge: sanchi no. 247 grandlodge: india

A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

The Order The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to navigation. Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?” “Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the landmarks of the order!”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

Masonic Limericks

Upon googling the internet with clicks,

I found Masonic limericks were nix. Why is that so? I really don’t know; So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.

There once was a Freemason called Mitchell Who had trouble remembering his ritual. The Master said, “Son, The learning’s not done Until it becomes habitual.”

A visiting Brother from Texas Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us. He gave us a fright As he stepped-off with his right; He just happened to be ambidextrous.

There was a Freemason from Clydes Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides, The apron caught fire And burned his entire Front page, sports section and classifieds.

The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange, A light bulb they had to exchange; It no longer would glow, But the Master said, “No, In Freemasonry nothing can change.”

A one-legged Mason from Myrtle Once had a race with a turtle; But the turtle won fair Because the man on the square Went round the fourth part of a circle.

There was a young Mason from York Who felt like a bit of a dork, In his black penguin suit And white apron to boot, ‘Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.

Three ruffians thought it was simple To steal the builder’s secrets, until He prevaricated - said “Nay,

I’ll not betray.” So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell, Who read words from the VSL. Sometimes he’d mutter, Sometimes he’d stutter, And sometimes he’d even yell.

Two came for the first Tracing Board, One by free will and accord; But the other old bloke, This is no joke, Came by Model T Ford.

There was a young man named Jason Who wanted to become a Freemason; But when a Brother of note Said, “You’ll ride the goat”, Jason from the Mason did hasten.

The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,

“In times of difficulty and strife, Tell us, you must, In whom do you trust?” The Candidate replied, “In the wife.”

There once was a PM from Mayne Who did nothing in Lodge but complain. That wasn’t the way It was done in his day. He really was a terrible pain.

Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster, Once caused an embarassing disaster. When asked for the Word He said, “Don’t be absurd, You should know that I’m the Grand Master!”

The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin Served the Festive Board, with a grin. But the size of each plate Was so overweight, The Junior Warden said, “Halve it, and begin.”

name: Fraser Card lodge: King Hiram # 78 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada

It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get home, so you can tell me all about it then." Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked. Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this Lodge thing is going to divide us ? " Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for the newly invested..... After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? " The bride swears to it all..... Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on.... "So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my

eyes on.... laying there all naked she was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... " With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! " Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows Lodge eh ! " Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago... Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio

Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June. In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in the building!

Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night." Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had (the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know? Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?

Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio

This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always made himself the object of the story...

MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in the winter months.

One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.

But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."

Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes, I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he thought. "Only a half hour away."

The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S. thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"

The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey name: Gary Woodbridge lodge: Bolingbroke 2417

grandlodge: U.G.L.E

Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother Pat passed away after a short illness. Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill", "Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat. "Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill. "Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point" "Whats that" enquired Pat. "Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree" "Why is that so sad" asked Bill. "Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon" name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the

Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”

name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia

Masonic Riddles

Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published before. Enjoy.

Ballot Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls? A. Electile dysfunction.

Boaz Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married? A. Ruthless.

Brewery Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery? A. High time.

Bright Freemasons Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting? A. Wake up.

Crocodile Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons? A. Because they would lodge in its throat.

Cross the Road

Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road? A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.

Drawbridge Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge? A. So moat it be.

Festive Board Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive Board. A. Halve it and begin.

Finders Keepers Q. Where do you find Freemasons? A. It depends where you lost them.

Freemason or Not? Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason? A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.

Freeway

Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike? A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.

Grand Lodge Above No.1 Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because they’re not dead.

Grand Lodge Above No.2 Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.

Hiram and the Sheriff Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common? A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.

Hiram et al Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common? A. They’re all monumental masons.

King Solomon’s Temple Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?

A. On the side of his head.

Lodges and Pubs Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common? A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.

Masonic Apron Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons? A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.

Masonic Beavers Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do? A. Build a grand lodge.

Masonic Colours No.1 Q. What’s black, white, blue and green? A. A seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.2 Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.3 Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.

Masonic Dad Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach? A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!

Masonic Elephant Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant? A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.

Masonic Knock-Knock Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candy. Candy who? Candy date for Freemasonry.

Masonic Light Bulb No.1 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A. No one knows. It’s a secret.

Masonic Light Bulb No.2 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? A. CHANGE?

Masonic Policeman Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge? A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.

Masonic Terrorists Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation? A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.

Masonic Thermometer Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer? A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.

Non-Masonic Light Bulb Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They are in eternal darkness.

Password Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge? A. Because they don’t sell tickets.

Past Masters and Politicians Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians? A. Politicians want to change things.

Rhinoceros Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros? A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.

Rough Stuff Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets? A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

The AGSW and the Funeral Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral? A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1 Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger? A. A tiger.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2 Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft? A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.

The Grip Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake? A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.

The Illuminator Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge? A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.

The King is Dead Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died? A. That’s Saul folks.

The King’s Limo Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive? A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

The Staircase Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs? A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.

Tongue in Cheek Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain? A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.

To Order Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order? A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.

Tyler Tiler Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler? A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.

VSL

Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law? A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.

Who am I? Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it, Five in the middle is seen; First of all letters, first of all figures, Take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring Before you the name of an eminent king. Who am I? (Clue: Roman numerals) A. DAVID

Whodunit? Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft? A. You're always one of the usual suspects.

Women Freemasons Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry? A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!

name: Roy Fairhurst lodge: Lodge of Faith 344 grandlodge: UGL England

A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or tyler"

name: Robert Kelly lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213 grandlodge: Missouri

The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the new one was built.

name: John Upton lodge: Deepdene No. 356

grandlodge: Victoria, Australia

The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand Carpenter"!!!

name: Michael Bonner lodge: Harmony #370 grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario

Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason? He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.

name: Brian Mc Dowell lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria

King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs. The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.

Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery mess, "Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"

name: Wilhelm Hernandez lodge: Transportation Lodge 103 grandlodge: Canada

There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.

name: Rohit J. Varma lodge: St. John's Lodge 434 grandlodge: UGLE

Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?" Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"

name: Sean Brimlow lodge: Wynnstay 3876

grandlodge: England and Wales

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

name: Mark Cottington lodge: Mid Sussex 7642 grandlodge: Sussex

WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me again I can still hear him"

name: James Watkins lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134 grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN

Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate was

sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed knew the other fellow as a used car salesman. After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait his turn. When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket that he had planned to feed his dogs. Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out. Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!

name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE

The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home. Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."

name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE

A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters

name: James Watkins lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee

A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being recarpeted. Say, you didn't give them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!

name: Jim Hilton lodge: Loyal No. 5040 grandlodge: England

My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you never know who you are sat next to.

name: John Upton

lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.

name: John Upton lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time. When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free wheel and a cord!"

The Structure of the Lodge

The Right Worshipful Master Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Express Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water. Gives policy to God

The Worshipful Senior Warden Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm. Talks with God

The Worshipful Junior Warden Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind. Is almost as powerful as a goods train Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet. Walks on water of a swimming pool. Talks with God if special dispensation is given.

The Senior Deacon Barely clears a garden hut A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not

sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what

way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....

A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.

It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW'. I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

The case with the silk stockings Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

Masonic Blooper WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ...

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when

someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." " My goodness, Bill," said Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." " OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! "

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret! ..................................................................... Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs. ..................................................................... How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows: 2 to complain that the light doesn't work. 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge. 3 to do a study on light in this Lodge. 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb. 2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure

enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) Very well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. She) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !" I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down, following the white lines that ran down the center of the road. All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump. I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights lay a hare, spreadeagled and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached over into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car. Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried on doing this until it reached the edge of the beam from my headlights and disappeared. I was amazed I can tell you. "Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just unbelieveable - I know it was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I

knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I remembered that in the carrier bag there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I bought for the wife today. I forgot to give it to her!" Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY? A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eaten up without a deer. On the last day , as he was about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing. Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position, "What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your escape"

DO-GOODERS! There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for speeding. When he was that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll letyou off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A.M., Turkey Creek, Florid.

While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Scotsman he replied"a wee prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and whispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to congratulate him but also stated I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of the lodge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with! Enjoy Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the current police scare. A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked"What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"

Another first degree. The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the delivery of the ancient charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told him to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate promptly did just that!! (Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this instruction.). Sent by: Drew Grant Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and

he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance documents in his ritual book. When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents. He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts. The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....." Sent by: Colin R Goss PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia.

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!" Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M. Hartington Lodge No. 1021 Province of West Lancashire United Grand Lodge of England

The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says: "I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies: "Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!" Sent by : Daniel Hoehr MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)

In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence, and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed. The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot." Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA

-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland: "OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY" Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY

Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony". Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret" Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something" Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"

Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS" Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS". Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"? Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ... Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?" "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot." Sent by : Larry Johnson Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain

across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is #1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for #10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!! Sent by : [email protected]

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or

hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis

(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!" Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish) Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a

brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.

The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.

Sent by : (NAME) Edward Baral (GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what

package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."

Sent by : (NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M. (GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio (E-MAIL) [email protected]

As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising for annual inspection

Sent by : (NAME) David Blue (GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A (E-MAIL) [email protected]

The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"

Sent by : (NAME) Richard Saxby Jr. (GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York (E-MAIL) [email protected]

One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who won't pee in a mason jar!"

Sent by :

(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook (GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia (E-MAIL) [email protected]

At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

Sent by : (NAME) Anonimous

A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"

NAME = R Frith

GRANDLODGE = UGLE E-MAIL = [email protected]

For all the Ark Mariners

Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish; Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-StoryCarp-Ark said God"

There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner "God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!

NAME = Siddharth Dhawan GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India E-MAIL = [email protected]

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish. "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii." "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish." "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!" "Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??" Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him". Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?" "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back." Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him." So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.

"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one." "Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!" At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

NAME = Felix Gordillo GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida E-MAIL = [email protected]

There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon

hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!

NAME = Dai McClymont GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC E-MAIL = [email protected]

A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only properly tiled room in the house."

NAME = Lawson Purdie GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland E-MAIL = [email protected]

A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).

NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM. GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio E-MAIL = [email protected]

A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot... "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler Jesus."

NAME = Allan Taylor GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland

E-MAIL = [email protected]

One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime"

NAME = Michael Morton GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA E-MAIL = [email protected]

A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph

E-MAIL = [email protected]

A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.

NAME = keith rowell GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE E-MAIL = [email protected]

two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep

NAME = W.B. Alex Harper GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada

Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.

What do you think goes on in there? asks one. I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other. After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped. What happened to you? asks the first. Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked. The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you.

name: Andrew Alexander lodge: Lodge of Commerce grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria

A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate, though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now at liberty to retire." To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."

name: Allan Barr P.M. lodge: St. John Slamannan No. grandlodge: Scotland

A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind". after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded? to which the brother answered "pass". undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother, tell them nothing"!

name: Charles Kettles lodge: Mad River # 77 grandlodge: GL of VT

“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic Birds.” Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to investigate?

We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner came over and offered to help us. “What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked. “Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried. That one goes for $500 said the owner. “What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked. “That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner. “And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked. “That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he sells for $1,000.” “Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I inquired. “Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner. “Wow”, I said, “What does he do?” “Nothing.”, replied the owner. “Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know. “All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.

name: W.Bro Vic Gillam lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England

A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand. Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge. Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.

name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE

A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in the Lodge”. The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”

name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off ­ go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter

went out to the farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"

name: Peter Taylor lodge: Albert , 448 grandlodge: Scotland

A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. “I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!” said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!” said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”

name: Stewart Brass lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario

There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk "What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".

name: Edd Alexander lodge: Mannford #515 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma

The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist!

name: JP Bernard lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96 grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec

"TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB"

WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE,

A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO, IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB, HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW.

THIS CREATED A STIR, IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD, WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN, WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD.

"WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE" TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN, IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL, WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN.

BE IT AS IT MAY, A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED, TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT, AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM.

IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME, WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY, WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS,

WE HEARD SOME SAY.

CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED, WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP, WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY, FALL AND BREAK A HIP.

THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON, SEARCHING FOR THINGS, WHILE AVOIDING REALITY, THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE".

THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT, YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS, WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE", SO THE LODGE WENT DARK.

MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM, I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME, IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP, WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE, CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK, WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR.

THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT, IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE, THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT.

EMBRACE THE FUTURE, AS WELL AS THE PAST, IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL, WE MUST MAKE IT LAST.

Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005

======================================== and:

Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

- 2 to complain that the light does not work; - 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes; - 3 to do a study on light in the lodge; - 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses; - 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change it; - 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change; - 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs"; - 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and - 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed. name: David William Jones lodge: St Idloes No 1852 grandlodge: UGLE

A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!" After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?" The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex ????..."

name: jnchowdhary lodge: sanchi no. 247 grandlodge: india

A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

The Order The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to navigation. Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?” “Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the landmarks of the order!”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

Masonic Limericks

Upon googling the internet with clicks,

I found Masonic limericks were nix. Why is that so? I really don’t know; So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.

There once was a Freemason called Mitchell Who had trouble remembering his ritual. The Master said, “Son, The learning’s not done Until it becomes habitual.”

A visiting Brother from Texas Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us. He gave us a fright As he stepped-off with his right; He just happened to be ambidextrous.

There was a Freemason from Clydes Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides, The apron caught fire And burned his entire Front page, sports section and classifieds.

The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange, A light bulb they had to exchange; It no longer would glow, But the Master said, “No, In Freemasonry nothing can change.”

A one-legged Mason from Myrtle Once had a race with a turtle; But the turtle won fair Because the man on the square Went round the fourth part of a circle.

There was a young Mason from York Who felt like a bit of a dork, In his black penguin suit And white apron to boot, ‘Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk.

Three ruffians thought it was simple To steal the builder’s secrets, until He prevaricated - said “Nay,

I’ll not betray.” So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell, Who read words from the VSL. Sometimes he’d mutter, Sometimes he’d stutter, And sometimes he’d even yell.

Two came for the first Tracing Board, One by free will and accord; But the other old bloke, This is no joke, Came by Model T Ford.

There was a young man named Jason Who wanted to become a Freemason; But when a Brother of note Said, “You’ll ride the goat”, Jason from the Mason did hasten.

The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe,

“In times of difficulty and strife, Tell us, you must, In whom do you trust?” The Candidate replied, “In the wife.”

There once was a PM from Mayne Who did nothing in Lodge but complain. That wasn’t the way It was done in his day. He really was a terrible pain.

Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster, Once caused an embarassing disaster. When asked for the Word He said, “Don’t be absurd, You should know that I’m the Grand Master!”

The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin Served the Festive Board, with a grin. But the size of each plate Was so overweight, The Junior Warden said, “Halve it, and begin.”

name: Fraser Card lodge: King Hiram # 78 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada

It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get home, so you can tell me all about it then." Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked. Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this Lodge thing is going to divide us ? " Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for the newly invested..... After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? " The bride swears to it all..... Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on.... "So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my

eyes on.... laying there all naked she was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... " With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! " Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows Lodge eh ! " Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago... Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio

Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June. In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in the building!

Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night." Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had (the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know? Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?

Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio

This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always made himself the object of the story...

MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in the winter months.

One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.

But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."

Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes, I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he thought. "Only a half hour away."

The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S. thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"

The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey name: Gary Woodbridge lodge: Bolingbroke 2417

grandlodge: U.G.L.E

Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother Pat passed away after a short illness. Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill", "Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat. "Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill. "Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point" "Whats that" enquired Pat. "Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree" "Why is that so sad" asked Bill. "Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon" name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the

Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”

name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia

Masonic Riddles

Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published before. Enjoy.

Ballot Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls? A. Electile dysfunction.

Boaz Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married? A. Ruthless.

Brewery Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery? A. High time.

Bright Freemasons Q. What’s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting? A. Wake up.

Crocodile Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons? A. Because they would lodge in its throat.

Cross the Road

Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road? A. He was following the landmarks of the Order.

Drawbridge Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge? A. So moat it be.

Festive Board Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double helpings at the Festive Board. A. Halve it and begin.

Finders Keepers Q. Where do you find Freemasons? A. It depends where you lost them.

Freemason or Not? Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason? A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding staircase.

Freeway

Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike? A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go.

Grand Lodge Above No.1 Q. Why can’t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because they’re not dead.

Grand Lodge Above No.2 Q. Why couldn’t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia.

Hiram and the Sheriff Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common? A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon.

Hiram et al Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common? A. They’re all monumental masons.

King Solomon’s Temple Q. Where was King Solomon’s Temple located?

A. On the side of his head.

Lodges and Pubs Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common? A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become.

Masonic Apron Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons? A. Just in case they have to do the washing up.

Masonic Beavers Q. What’s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do? A. Build a grand lodge.

Masonic Colours No.1 Q. What’s black, white, blue and green? A. A seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.2 Q. What’s black, white, blue, green and red? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.3 Q. What’s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard.

Masonic Dad Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach? A. Don’t put a sprig of acacia on top!

Masonic Elephant Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant? A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges.

Masonic Knock-Knock Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candy. Candy who? Candy date for Freemasonry.

Masonic Light Bulb No.1 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?

A. No one knows. It’s a secret.

Masonic Light Bulb No.2 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? A. CHANGE?

Masonic Policeman Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodge? A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge.

Masonic Terrorists Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation? A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction.

Masonic Thermometer Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer? A. To discover the secrets of the degrees.

Non-Masonic Light Bulb Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They are in eternal darkness.

Password Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge? A. Because they don’t sell tickets.

Past Masters and Politicians Q. What’s the difference between Past Masters and politicians? A. Politicians want to change things.

Rhinoceros Q. What’s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros? A. Well, if you can’t tell them apart you wouldn’t make a very good Tyler.

Rough Stuff Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason’s secrets? A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple.

The AGSW and the Funeral Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral? A. The show wouldn’t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1 Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger? A. A tiger.

The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2 Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft? A. He’s gone into the middle chamber.

The Grip Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake? A. So they don’t mistake each other for penguins.

The Illuminator Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge? A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying.

The King is Dead Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died? A. That’s Saul folks.

The King’s Limo Q. What kind of car did King Solomon’s father drive? A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

The Staircase Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs? A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step.

Tongue in Cheek Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain? A. Se sells seasells by the seasore.

To Order Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order? A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them.

Tyler Tiler Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler? A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles.

VSL

Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law? A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres.

Who am I? Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it, Five in the middle is seen; First of all letters, first of all figures, Take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring Before you the name of an eminent king. Who am I? (Clue: Roman numerals) A. DAVID

Whodunit? Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft? A. You're always one of the usual suspects.

Women Freemasons Q. Why aren’t women allowed into Freemasonry? A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge!

name: Roy Fairhurst lodge: Lodge of Faith 344 grandlodge: UGL England

A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior Warden who had been snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or tyler"

name: Robert Kelly lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213 grandlodge: Missouri

The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they finally declared that they had worked out the way to build a new lodge hall without spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three conditions that would be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from the original lodge hall in construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They would continue to use the old lodge hall until the new one was built.

name: John Upton lodge: Deepdene No. 356

grandlodge: Victoria, Australia

The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyler that the visitor was VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to the WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand Carpenter"!!!

name: Michael Bonner lodge: Harmony #370 grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario

Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason? He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake.

name: Brian Mc Dowell lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria

King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle within his realm and on this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home before midnight or else she would raise the drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs. The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the time was fast aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which was slowly rising.

Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery mess, "Ah! So mote,(moat) it be"

name: Wilhelm Hernandez lodge: Transportation Lodge 103 grandlodge: Canada

There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell about the after life. One night the dead one visited the other and says : Brother I am visiting you as promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have been promoted to Jr Deacon next week.

name: Rohit J. Varma lodge: St. John's Lodge 434 grandlodge: UGLE

Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue would I be showing?" Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?"

name: Sean Brimlow lodge: Wynnstay 3876

grandlodge: England and Wales

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

name: Mark Cottington lodge: Mid Sussex 7642 grandlodge: Sussex

WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, it missed the WM but struck the IPM square on the forehead, as he slid off his chair under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me again I can still hear him"

name: James Watkins lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134 grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN

Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered that he was scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate was

sitting on a bench outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building was very small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed knew the other fellow as a used car salesman. After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving the car salesman to wait his turn. When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare himself, he suddenly remembered that earlier in the day he had been castrating hogs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket that he had planned to feed his dogs. Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out. Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever saw him again!

name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE

The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make their way home. Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, and is persued by the waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions and soon ascertains that the river is stone cold sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies the driver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..."

name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE

A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are you going, Sir?" asks the Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driver. "And exactly who gives lectures on Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning?" asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver.

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So why was it so important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives & concubines!!!

name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M

What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters

name: James Watkins lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee

A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided to pass the time at a K of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. When the password was requested, he replied with the Knights of Columbus password. "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly confused. Noticing a man wearing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being recarpeted. Say, you didn't give them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I got theirs!

name: Jim Hilton lodge: Loyal No. 5040 grandlodge: England

My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say something!" My friend said: "What can we say we will offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you never know who you are sat next to.

name: John Upton

lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked the brother. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer.

name: John Upton lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland

A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time. When eventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my own free wheel and a cord!"

The Structure of the Lodge

The Right Worshipful Master Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Express Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water. Gives policy to God

The Worshipful Senior Warden Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm. Talks with God

The Worshipful Junior Warden Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind. Is almost as powerful as a goods train Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet. Walks on water of a swimming pool. Talks with God if special dispensation is given.

The Senior Deacon Barely clears a garden hut Loses a tug-of-war with a train

Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God

The Junior Deacon Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by trains Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles, Talks with the animals

The Inner Guard Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest. Talks to walls

The Steward Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself

The Secretary Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance. He is God !

Loses a tug-of-war with a train Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God

The Junior Deacon Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by trains Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles, Talks with the animals

The Inner Guard Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest. Talks to walls

The Steward Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings

Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself

The Secretary Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance. He is God !

Posted: Jun 28, 2010

View 5 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71Sent Folders Not Sync

I have got issues with theE71.It is setup with POP3 to my company's exchange server.I can send emails fromE71to other people without any problem.However, whatever emails sent from myE71does not reflect on the sent folder of the outlook on my PC.

Those sent emails can be viewed on theE71sent folder instead.There is no problem with the syncing of inbox on both PCandE71.

Posted: 03-Jul-2009

View 4 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71/ Saved Contact Name Vanished / Inbox

when I receive a text, I can see the caller's phone number, but even though they are saved as a Contact, their name does not appear.I have checked my Contact list,andthe names are not duplicated. Is there a setting somewhere to allocate names to numbers?

This is driving me slightly mad, I've been searching for an answer for ages.

Posted: 23-May-2009

View 4 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: E72 - Deleted All Messages /BackupWont Restore Texts On My Folders?

Basically on E72, I had messages in inbox, my foldersandsent section. Once I restarted phoneandthen phone froze. I felt the problem was due to Vlingo application, because I pressed home button to see which applications were open that were casuing the freezing. So I restarted the phoneandall messages were deleted. However my messages were saved as abackupon another memory card. So I only lost a couple of texts. But the same, exactly same problem happened yesterday. Now all texts on both memory cards have been deleted. I have now disabled vlingo to open on start up.

1. The onlybackupI have now is a pc suitebackupof texts, as an .nbufilewhich I can restore using pc suite or ovi suite. However after I restore, the messaging application does not openandI have to restart phone. Also the texts inside"my folder"do not appear, only in my inboxandsent. Is there any way, of getting all the texts to appear including my folder texts?

2. Obviously the above solution doesnt give me all my texts back, so is there any chance of restoring the texts, from the memory cards even though it doesnt work when I insert it inside the E72. Im hoping by restoring old data inside the memory card by opening it on the laptop or something?

3. I heard, that texts do not get deleted at all, but just blocked, so anyone know if I can unblock them?

4. Or can my network provider send me texts, that I have recievedandsent over last couple of months.

Posted: 09-Mar-2010

View 6 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71Gmail IMAP Folders

First, I set up the messaging client to look for emails in my Gmail account. Very easy to do as the phone downloaded the settings.

Second, I subsrcibed to my IMAP folders in my Gmail account. But, after I subscribed to the folders, myE71doesn't download email from any folder other than the Inbox. It downloads the Inbox email fineandalerts me when I get a message, so my usernameandpassword for Gmail are good.

Third, I searched the internet to see what the deal is. I found out thatNokiais now requiring users to use theirNokiaEmail service now? I don't like that one bit as my email already gets routed through too many servers. But, I signed up to see if it would work. Well, it appears that theNokiaEmail service has a limit of how many folders you can subscribe to (10). What's up with that?.......

Posted: 21-May-2009

View 5 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71Can't See Folders Created In Outlook

NokiaE71. When i view my pop3 mailbox i can only see the sent folder. I cannot see the folders that i created in outlook. I have tried syncing in PC suite, but that has not worked. I assume i am doing something wrong?

Posted: 14-Jun-2009

View 7 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71- How To Get Rid Of Factory Bookmarks With Folders

I was tring to delet the factory bookmarksandwell they are now gone. The problem is that the folders are there but with blank bookmarks. I cant seem to get rid of them as they cant be deleted. So what I would like to do is put the url back in them.

Posted: 20-May-2009

View 3 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: Folders In Memory Card UsingFileManagerE71

I haveE71, I used to see the foldersand files in my memory card usingfilemanager, but due to some virus, i tookbackupof memory card formatted it. thebackupfolder on my desktop was subjected to virus removal,andthen again i restored the clean files to my memory card. but now i can not see the folder in my memory card usingnokiae71filemanager but can see the filesandfolders using Mass Storage mode.

Posted: 29-Aug-2010

View 7 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: Mail For Exchange OnE71- Sync With Inbox - Not With Folders

i am usingE71with Mail for exchange 2.5. it sync only with inbox, not with folders under the inbox.

Posted: 27-Aug-2008

View 42 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71Setting Up Exchange Mail - How To View Sub Folders

I just bought myE71andhave a couple questions:

1) I set my exchange emailandcan't figure out a way to see my subfoldersandhow to move emails to those folders.

2) Can theE71install applications (programs, games, etc) on the memory card

Posted: 15-Feb-2009

View 51 Replies! View Related

Nokia:: Realplayer&E71- Unable To Watch Saved Video Files - Reads Error

I have saved some .avi&some .mp4 video files to the external memory card on myE71.I managed to watch a few videos, but now everytime I try to watch them, after 5 to 10 minutes of playback I get the following error message."General: Memory full. Close some applicationsandtry again".

I have no other applications open other than real player.I have tried clearing web cache&history to free up phone memory. I have also deleted some video files (I have over 500mb free in my memory card).I have also tried re-booting the phone&even removing the battery.Nothing seems to work.

The only way I can watch the videos is by re-opening the video after the error message, fast forwarding to where I was&watch it until I get another error message, then i re-open again, fast forward&watch until error... you get the point )

Posted: 23-Feb-2009

View 4 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71- No Access To Messaging

I have a big problem with my NMandE71. Last November when I bought myE71, I successfully installed NM on my phoneandeverything was OK! Last week, I sent my phone to the after sale service for repair,andthey sent it back to me today. I tried to re-install NM, so I downloaded the softaware from http:email.nokia.com, installed it,andthen nothing! I don't have access to NM. I don't have any email download.

Posted: 19-Feb-2010

View 6 Replies! View Related

Nokia::E71- Messaging 9.7.0.2 / No Pushmail

I've oneNokiaE71with 400.21.013 firmware anNokiamessaging 9.7.0.2. My problem is that I've auto sync all dayandthe sign that appears when I open the messaging (auto start by default) is not available. So I