50 First Dates Script

So tell me. How was Hawaii?

-It was unbelievable. -Oh, yeah?

-Well, what happened? -l met this guy.

It was the best week of my life.

It was just a little vacation romance.

But he was so sweet.

He took me to all these cool local places.

We went scuba diving....

-Snorkeling. -Mountain climbing.

We went cliff diving.

Well, we got a little drunk.

-He gave me.... -A back rub.

We slow danced....

--in the rain.

But it wasn't just about the sex.

He pounded me like a mallard duck.

It ended kind of weird, though.

When l asked for his number, he said he's....

-Married. -Gay.

-Entering the priesthood. -He doesn't believe in phones.

He just kind of ran away.

You know, it was just a little fling, but....

l won't forget my week....

--with Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth. -Harry.

Harry Paratesticles.

-Henry Roth. -Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth. -Henry Roth.

Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me you were a secret agent?

l prefer intelligence operative, and l couldn't tell you until l knew you.

Well, can l call you when l land?

You can call me, but l'll be in Peru. l said that a little loud.

Come on, that's a

code blue.

We got the wolf sleeping at night.

He's slipping his arm in the drawer and out comes the cookie jar. All clear.

Got it?

Well, maybe when you get back from Peru.

-l don't think that's an option, Lisa. -Linda.

l know. l changed your name for your protection.

We have to go our separate ways now.

Well, goodbye.

Got it! Moving out!

-What the hell is your problem? -Just keep going, l'll give you $ .

-You got it. How's your balls? -Killing me. Hit it.

Easy, Honah Lee.

Hey, l'm a person, not a seal.

Well, l am a vet, not a doctor. So just hold still, or l won't give you a treat.

l know, it's okay.

You see that, kids?

You see what happens when you play with sharks?

Now, why you gotta spread those lies? Sharks are like dogs.

They only bite when you touch their private parts.

That's a good title for my documentary.

Sharks: They Only Bite When You Touch Their Private Parts.

Or you could call it,

Sharks: They Tried to Eat My Kidney.

All right, enough already. You too, Willie.

All of you.

He just cast a spell on us.

All right. Put this on four times a day for two weeks.

-You can handle that. -What's wrong with that turtle?

Lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed...

...which is bad for you. Right, Ula?

What? l don't smoke weed.

Hey, Honah Lee? How's that hot wahine nympho from Ohio?

Great. l dropped her off at the airport this morning.

Come on, l need some details.

You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.

Daddy, what's a nympho?

Oh. The nympho is the state bird of Ohio.

You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

Here you go. Bite the fish, chew the fish, love the fish. Enjoy.

-You crack me up, kamaaina. -Oh, yeah?

-One of these days... -Yeah?

...you'll show one of those tourists such a good time...

...she'll wanna stay on the island.

Why do you say mean things like that...

...and why is your foot on my pillow?

l don't want your ass on it, either. Get up! Get up!

It could happen.

Then you won't be able to go on your boat trip to Alaska.

You'll be stuck here, waking up next to the same old, ugly broad, just like Ula.

-Just kidding, guys. -About the old part or the ugly part?

Henry, come quickly! It's Jocko!

Jocko! What's going on with you, buddy?

Don't be scared. Everything's gonna be fine.

Just stay calm. All right.

Willie, l don't need you to see this.

Get out of here, now!

Okay, check the temperature of the pool. Go! Hurry!

What are you doing? l meant check the thermometer!

Give me a hand. Let's go!

Get me two fish from the barrel. Now.

-Okay. -Just hang in there.

-Here. -It's gonna be all right.

That's a little warm. Go to the bottom of the barrel, please.

Okay, there. That's good. Thank you.

Come on, buddy, take it. Take it.

-He's not responding! -l know, Alexa!

Sorry, l smacked you. You needed the fish-slap to calm down.

-Do you understand? Are you calm? -Yes. Fish-slap calm me.

l'm gonna try to get him breathing manually...

...so l need your face next to his mouth to see if it's working.

-Are you ready? -Yes.

-One, two, three! -Nothing, nothing!

All right! Try it again. lf it doesn't work we'll perform a tracheotomy.

We don't wanna do that, so let's pray this works. One more time.

One, two....

That's a lot of vomit.

This is why l got into this business.

To save sea animals.

You should go wash yourself off, okay?

Maybe try some turpentine. That might take the stink away.

Yeah, high-five is right, buddy.

l knew you were gonna burp, but the vomit thing was awesome!

That's what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich.

Willie, did you see that?

Captain's log: November th, :

a.m.

I've taken the Sea Serpent for a trip around the island of Oahu.

It is by far the longest voyage she has yet undertaken...

...and its completion will signal that she's ready...

...for our great journey to Bristol Bay...

...whose unspoiled walrus habitat will yield an abundance of--

Damn it!

Are you kidding me?

Aloha, honey. What can l get for you?

l guess l'll take a cup of coffee.

-You guess? -Yeah, l already ate breakfast.

l need to kill some time before the Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat.

What did you eat?

l had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and some Gatorade.

They're not breakfast. l get you Spam and eggs.

Nick, l need Spam and eggs.

Hey.

-You like the peanut butter cups? -Yes.

Want me to put peanut butter cups in your eggs?

No, that's okay.

Peanut butter cups.

-Hey, Sue, nice haircut. -Mahalo, Lucy.

Are you staring at me or her?

Because you're starting to freak me out.

Settle down and eat your pancakes.

l think she's a local girl. l wanted to go up to her...

...but l was kind of off my game. But, man, was she cute, though.

l thought you liked your bitches from out of state.

Yeah, that's usually my policy. Make sure l don't get tied down.

Freeze that image right there.

There's the little fella. Congratulations, Mommy.

Sounds to me like someone is afraid of commitment.

Let me guess.

Your high school sweetheart got drunk at party...

...then cheated on you with whole wrestling team.

Close. Actually, it was my

college girlfriend Tracy.

And it wasn't a wrestling team. It was her academic advisor.

-Oh, she liked the older man. -Older women. About

years older.

l hope you shot the stupid tramp.

What's with the ''tramp'' and the ''bitches'' talk?

-Are you drunk or something? -l apologize for nasty talk.

l am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.

Shut up, because here comes one-time-only opportunity.

What l will do now is go into your office and become naked.

Next move is up to you.

l may not be as limber as l once was...

...but l make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.

l don't know if you realize, l'm not into guys.

Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups.

Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch. How you doing?

-You're back. -Couldn't get enough of that Spam.

Fry some up and throw some eggs on it.

-You got it. -All right, mahalo.

-Hi, Lucy. -Hi, Nick.

You know, why don't you try this?

It's kind of a hinge.

-Now, why didn't l think of that? -Well, you're too close to the project.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.

Fresh eye never hurts.

l'm Lucy.

Yes. l'm Henry Roth.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

It's pretty. Keep up the good work.

Wait. l see you're sitting there alone. Do you wanna come and sit down?

-Sure, that'd be great, if that's all right. -Okay.

-So are you an architect? -l am not. l'm in fish.

Oh, that's where the smell

is coming from.

Yeah, yeah, l was feeding a walrus this morning...

...and l thought l got most of it off of me, but guess l didn't.

-l love that smell. -No, you don't.

-Fish don't even like that smell. -No, l do. My dad's a fisherman.

He and my brother Doug, they go out to sea for months at a time.

And l miss them so much while they're

gone that when they come back...

...l just hold on to them for five minutes each.

And they smell just like your hands. It's the best smell in the world.

Well, my fingers are available...

...for your sniffing pleasure anytime you need them.

-Wanna? -Okay.

Sea lions are known for their athleticism...

...and dolphins are known for their intelligence.

-Walruses are known for their.... -Tusks?

Their tusks. Also their male parts can get pretty gigantic.

Yeah, yeah, it's the second biggest out of all the mammals.

-What's the first? -l think Tattoo-Face.

l like your laugh.

l like you making me laugh.

l hate to break this up, but we're setting up for lunch.

Oh, okay. Sorry, Sue.

And the real cool thing about walruses is they're very mysterious.

-Mysterious? -Yeah, yeah.

We don't really know what they're like in the wild.

Don't they just sleep on icebergs and yawn all the time?

All we really see is what they do outside of the water...

...but who knows what they do under the ice...

...where they spend two-thirds of their lives.

Well, maybe they're intimidating the other creatures with their big winkies.

That is one theory.

-l have to go.

-Where you going?

It's my dad's birthday, and we go every year and we pick a pineapple.

-It's a tradition. -That sounds nice. Okay, well...

...l had a great time.

-Me too. -Okay.

Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time?

-Because l teach an art class at -Really?

.

-Yeah. -l wish l could make it...

...but, yes, l will be there.

-Take care. -Okay.

-One for the road. It is fishy. -Got you good.

-Aloha. -Aloha!

See you tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

Shit.

l had a bee on me.

-All right. -He was a big one.

Which means ''look at those two shitheads.''

That was the stupidest-looking swing l've ever seen.

l'm gonna take a Molokai on that one.

No throwing. Come on.

Stop laughing, you hyenas. Let's see what you get.

Okay, you heard me. Go! Go!

Show papa what you got.

-You suck, you're good at everything. -Father of the Year strikes again.

By the way, cuz, l met this sexy, blond

tax attorney at Starbucks today.

l told her you the kahuna she wanna have fun on this island.

You want her number?

You pimping tourists for me again?

Yes! l live vicariously through you, remember?

My life sucks.

Now, come on. Give her the Waikikiki sneaky between the cheeky.

Ula needs it. l imagine l did it and then l can get through another weekend.

l'm staying in. Sorry. Thank you, though.

-What? -Hey, Dad!

Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.

But your stitches are bleeding.

It must've been my huge back-swing.

You think you can stitch me up after l get back from surfing?

-Yeah, looking forward to it. -l wouldn't surf with a wound like that.

You might attract a shark.

What's wrong with that? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

ls that right? How'd you get that nasty cut, anyway?

A shark bit me.

Nice.

Go smoke another one, bro.

That shark theory's starting to catch on.

Now, will everybody keep it down...

...while l whack the crap out of this thing?

Sit! Stay! Shit! No!

Where the hell is it?

Looking for something?

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

The same thing you are. Looking for my ball.

This is weird. l've been thinking about you all morning, all day.

Can't wait to have breakfast with you again.

l know. And l just wanna eat you up.

-Really? -Yeah. Tomorrow and the next day...

-...and the next day and the next day.

-All right. Okay.

Oh, my.

Oh, Lucy, that feels so good.

No, my nipples are too sensitive. Stop that.

-What happened? -Your ball hooked into that cart...

...bounced back and hit you in the head. It was freaking hilarious.

-What? -Who's Lucy?

And what's up with your nipples?

l can't be falling for a local. l ain't ever going back to that diner.

-This where you got hit? -Yes!

You're so lucky you're a professional cliff diver in Hawaii.

-Yeah, well, it's a living. -l'm a tax attorney.

-We never get to have any fun. -ls that right?

l'd like to do something extra fun tonight.

Taking it deep, aren't you?

How about another fishbowl for the lady?

-Why don't l just tap a keg for her? -Okay.

l think l'm getting kind of drunk.

-Are you getting drunk? -Getting there.

So, what are you thinking?

What am l thinking?

Actually, l'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you...

...because there's no alcohol in these drinks.

Sadly, l've used this technique many times.

It helps lovely tourists, such as yourself...

...loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake...

...and have guiIt-free, vigorous sex with me.

-Wow. -l'm sorry.

l'm not a cliff diver, either. l'm afraid of heights.

Well, since it's my last night in town...

...can l pretend you didn't just say that and still have sex with you anyway?

l can't do it. l'm sorry.

Well, can you at least point me in the direction of someone who can?

That guy over there could help you out.

-lsn't that a woman? -Jeez, l'm not really sure.

But you're too drunk to notice, remember? Take care.

-Hey, you. Aloha. -Aloha.

Not aloha, ''hello,'' aloha, ''goodbye.'' We're closed today. Go away.

-What are you talking about? -Order up!

-Don't move. l have to talk to you. -Okay.

-Hey! Tattoo-Face! -Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!

Hi.

Hi.

My fingers are extra fishy today, if you care to take a whiff.

What was that?

l was petting my walrus all morning and thinking of you the whole time.

Okay, pervert. l think that you should leave.

What? l was joking because of what we talked about yesterday.

Yesterday?

l've never even met you.

-Nick! l need help! -Coming, Lucy.

Nick, put that down. l'll handle it.

-You, follow me. -Wait a-- What's going on?

l was kidding around with you!

What's happening here? ls she crazy or something?

Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.

Okay.

About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident.

She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple.

Her father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury.

She lost her short-term memory.

So she can't remember anything?

No, no, no, she has all of her long-term memory.

That's a different part of the brain.

Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers.

She just can't retain any new information.

It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.

Hold on. This sounds like something l would tell a psycho girl...

...so she'd stop calling me. Am l the psycho girl?

l wish l was making this up!

She has no memory that she ever met you.

What about the pineapple-picking thing?

She says that every day, because each morning...

...she wakes up thinking it's October

th of last year.

She comes for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays...

...and October was a Sunday.

th

She has no idea it's more than a year later.

She reads the newspaper.

It's a special paper her father puts on their porch.

It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed.

Lucy does the same thing every day.

-Hello! -Back here.

-Hi, Dad! -Oh, hi, sweetie.

You got one without me.

The lady at the farmers' market gave it to me as a birthday present.

l didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

l think she likes you.

-Yeah, what's not to like? -What about our tradition?

Well, l have another idea. l painted my workshop yesterday.

White.

Now it's too white. Gives me a headache.

Oh, yeah, you definitely need some color in here.

Well, you know, that's what l was thinking.

-Really? -Yeah. Go nuts.

-Paint me something for my birthday. -l will.

And promise that we can pick

a pineapple for Thanksgiving, okay?

-Sounds great. -Okay, good.

Hey, you should watch the Vikings game while l'm painting.

Good idea.

-Yeah, baby. lsolate. -What are we eating tonight, Doug?

-Spaghetti, Pop. -Try not to sweat in the sauce.

Sorry, Pop.

Go Vikings.

Seven hundred and five. Seven hundred and six.

-Seven hundred and seven. -Hey, you guys.

Hey, sweetie. How's the painting coming?

-You'll see. -Cool.

-Oh. What's the score? -The Vikings are on the two-yard line.

-lf they score, they bring it to

- .

-Maybe they'll win for your birthday.

And l'll bet Culpepper runs it in.

l'll bet he fakes a handoff to Williams, throws to Kleinsasser in the end zone.

-Loser does the dishes? -You're on.

--keep the offense on the field.

Culpepper fakes a handoff to Williams. He will throw.

He's got Kleinsasser in the end zone!

Touchdown, Minnesota.

Doug, you're good.

Maybe you should be a coach.

-Dad. -Moron!

That hurt.

And you don't look a day over

.

Yeah, right, and Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.

What? l use an herb supplement...

...that can be purchased at any heaIth-food store. Check this out.

Check out these glutes. Rock-hard, baby.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake.

Okay, just open your present.

Okay. Let's see what we've got here.

The Sixth Sense.

Hey! When l'm done doing the dishes, do you guys wanna watch it?

-Sure. -Sure.

Ben Friedkin?

Some people, they call me freak.

-Ronald Sumner? -I am. I am a freak. Look at me.

Just give me a chance--

l can't believe it. Bruce Willis is a ghost.

l'm shocked. Did you see that coming?

-No. -Not a clue.

-Shocked as hell. -Anyway, it was awesome.

-Happy birthday. -Love you, Sis.

Your muscles are getting so big, l can barely wrap my arms around you.

You like that? Check this out.

Okay, okay! Enough with the titty dance! Let your sister go to sleep.

-l like it. -Sweet dreams, Lucy.

-Good night. -Good night.

Hey, Tracy, how you doing?

Yeah?

Well, things changed a little bit since high school.

And this is what happens every single day.

How long it gonna take for her memory to come back?

Her doctors say it may never come back.

So, basically, what you're saying is...

-...she's perfect for you. -What do you mean?

You can hang out all day with no attachment, because--

Her plane leaves every night? There's a problem with that.

-What is? -It's evil.

No, it isn't.

You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt.

-She's got brain damage, you psycho. -Okay, l'll give you that one.

But l think it'd be heaIthy for you.

You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl.

l appreciate your interest, but leave me alone.

Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does:

Giving her a wonderful day.

When it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave.

She'll never even know you're gone.

l'm not sure about the ''poofing'' part, because l'm not a good poofer.

Demonstrate a good poof for me?

Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds.

All right. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work?

Okay. Let's get this sucker ready.

Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.

Captain's log: November th.

Nearly midnight.

The Sea Serpent is fully recovered from her mishap...

...and ready to once again brave the open ocean.

l think my stitches opened up again, cuz.

You got a cat? Because l feel something licking me.

How is it?

Peanut Butter Cups. What are you doing here?

l just wanted to say hi to Lucy.

l promise you l'm not gonna do anything wrong.

What did Sue say?

She said that if l talk to Lucy, you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

She's the boss, cuz. But don't worry.

Lucy probably didn't wanna talk to you anyway.

-What does that mean? -This ain't a disco.

She doesn't want guys hitting on her during her breakfast.

She does if it's Henry Roth.

-Who that? -Who that? Me that.

l bet you

bucks l can get her

to have breakfast with me again.

-You're on. -l love it.

-How you doing, honey? -Hey, Sue. Nice haircut.

Oh, mahalo. See you in a bit.

Nick and l have an arrangement. You can trust me.

Don't worry.

You should try this out. Put it in there.

Swivelly door.

Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers...

...all over someone else's food?

No, l'm from this country.

Why? Were you gonna eat that? Oh.

All right, well, have a good meal.

-Yeah. -That was pathetic.

Yeah? Why don't you choke

on your Spam?

Double or nothing tomorrow.

Hey. l'm sorry to bother you...

...but you look like a person who appreciates fine art...

...so l wanted your opinion.

l drew this. It's a picture of a father and son fishing off a fishing boat.

There's a walrus right there--

Oh, you don't speak English. Okay.

Doesn't look Chinese.

Forty.

Can l have that?

l need something to wipe my ass with.

Shut up.

l wonder what's the matter with him.

Looks like a stupid asshole to me.

Excuse me. Okay. l didn't mean to startle you.

-No, that's all right. l--Are you okay?

Yeah, l'm fine. l'm having a problem with something....

Something that l could help you with?

No, no, no. l just...

...can't read.

You gotta be kidding me.

-l can read that for you. -No. Thank you.

l can do this on my own.

Appreciate the sentiment.

l'm gonna get an order of the....

Pan....

Pan....

Panku--

Ca--

Panclocks.

-Pancakes. -Okay, l'll have pancake.

-Pancakes. -Pancah-- Pancakes! Pancakes!

-l'm so stupid! -Oh, don't cry.

-Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. -Don't cry.

-l don't know anything! -What a loser.

l'll tell you what. Why don't you sit with me?

You can have some breakfast and l'll help teach you some of the words.

-Okay. -All right.

-That sounds nice. -Come on over.

-Okay, thank you. -All right.

So l comes before the E?

-Except after C? -Yes.

Okay, and C is that little half a squiggly one, right?

-Yes. -l think l'm getting it.

-How'd you get so good at teaching? -l'm a teacher. l do it all the time.

l'm an art teacher at the Haluki-liki Junior High.

Well, you Haluki-liki the kind of teacher all the kids have crushes on.

l know l would if l was in your class.

Okay.

Oh, boy, do my-My fingers smell like fish.

That doesn't gross you out, does it?

No, not at all.

Really?

lf Lucy gets hurt, l'm gonna chop you with the meat cleaver.

Okay, okay.

So l had a nice time.

-Yeah, me too. -Thank you very much.

-Let me get it for you. -Thank you.

Sure.

Okay.

l just want to eat you up, tomorrow and the next day, next day, next day....

l'll see you around.

Okay.

Really? That's it?

-That's what? -All that flirting...

...and phony ''l can't read'' stuff, and you're not gonna ask me out...

...or for my phone number?

-l can't read. -Oh, shut up.

That was one of the goofiest things l've ever seen, but l thought:

''Hey, if this guy is so desperate to meet me...

...he might be worth talking to.''

But then l get stiffed.

No, no, no, this is what happened. l....

Mahalo for the ego boost.

-You're right. You're right. l feel like--No worries.

l gotta-l can read a little!

l didn't know l came before E! That one l didn't know, l swear.

Oh, you idiot.

l hope you're happy, Shamu.

Marlin. It's Sue.

-Oh, aloha, sir. My name's Henry--l know who you are.

-l want to apologize to your daughter. -Not gonna happen.

She's inside. We're gonna straighten things out.

Dad, the damn mongoose got in the garbage again!

-ls this the guy? -Yeah.

Mr. Roth, l have one simple request:

Stay away from my daughter.

Absolutely. l hurt her feelings and don't want it to end like that.

It's gonna end like this.

Calm down, little fellow.

l'm gonna kill you! You're a dead man. Okay, l'm calm.

l'm calm.

-Let me help you up. -l got it! l got it.

It's just Dad and l work too hard to protect Lucy to let some idiot ruin it.

l know what you guys do and l totally respect that.

lf you know her condition, you know she can't have a normal relationship.

The next morning, she won't know who he is.

And any guy who's okay with that...

...ain't okay with me.

-l'm not looking for a one-night stand.

-Anything with Lucy is, numb-nuts.

Give us a break. Just stay away from the Hukilau Cafe.

My daughter's been through enough.

Okay. l'm sorry.

l could have whooped his ass, but this gravel, l slipped on it--

Yeah, well, maybe you need to do a few more butt flexes.

Cheap shot, Dad.

So fresh and so clean.

Hey, Alexa, did you hook up with that girl from the bar?

-l chickened out. -Really?

Yeah, l don't know. l guess l prefer sausage to taco.

-What? -Yeah. No, l agree, buddy.

Get out of here. Run for the hills.

Let me ask you something, Alexa.

lf you promised a girl's dad that you wouldn't see her...

...would you consider that a binding promise?

-Absolutely. -Yeah?

Then again, there are always ways around such things.

-Like? -For example...

...if l promised a woman's father

l would not see her...

...l would simply shut my eyes while she serviced my manhood.

That's actually a cool way to look at it.

And a very gross way.

He asked me not to go to the Hukilau. l'm not going there.

l'm not doing anything wrong.

Sorry to bother you. l'm kind of stuck here.

-Car trouble? -Yeah. You mind giving me a jump?

Okay.

Appreciate your time.

Not everybody would have stopped.

-You're real sweet. -Oh, yeah. Thank you.

l can't believe you fell for that.

Well, my grandfather died trying to jump-start a car.

l'm sorry. l was just joking around.

l can't believe you fell for that!

Oh, my God.

That was very good.

-My name's Henry. -l'm Lucy.

Nice to meet you. You look like a nice....

Hi. Sorry for the delay.

Should be a few minutes.

-No problem. No worries. -Where you coming from?

Breakfast?

-Yeah. -How was it?

l had waffles. They were delicious.

l like making little houses out of waffles.

-You do? -That's my thing.

-What's your name? -Lucy.

Hi, l'm Henry.

Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute.

Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.

-Oh, shit. -Here she comes. Smile.

Where is she?

Oh, my God. Oh, no!

Okay. That didn't work.

Shit your pants? So did l.

Okay, this is her. Start beating me up.

Make it look good.

Give me your wallet!

Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island...

-...eat our pineapple--Help me! Not so hard.

-Take it easy. -Try to bang our women.

Making my sister clean your hotel room.

Okay. What's that have to do with this? Relax.

-Hey! Hey! Help me, please! -Stupid haole!

Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that!

And that! And that!

You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.

-Are you okay? -Yes, yes--

Okay, l'll be back. Come here!

No, no! l think he's had enough.

l'm sorry.

My eye!

-You got him! -Not good enough!

Oh, Kamehameha!

He learned his lesson!

-What's your name? -My name's Henry.

-You did good. -Hi. Sorry.

l'm in a community-watch program--

Oh, you crazy bitch!

Yeah, keep running!

Okay, okay, he's-- He's gone now.

Not her. False alarm.

Don't worry, l called the cops already. l'm all set.

Yeah? You all set for this, Mr. Smarty?

-Oh, shit. -Yeah.

When you're finished playing your kidnap-victim crap on my daughter...

...come by the house.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

There's something l wanna show you.

We figured it out. She only sings on days she meets you.

You're kidding me. That song?

That's Mom and Dad's song.

When her mom was alive, Lucy would have me take that tape...

-...on every fishing trip l went on. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she knew it would make me miss her mom...

...and want to come home sooner.

l'm seeing a new side to you, sir. l gotta tell you, it's grossing me out.

Let me ask you something.

What's in it for you? What do you get out of this?

l don't know.

Wouldn't you want to spend an hour a day with that?

Actually, no. She sings like shit.

-What? -Can l ask you guys something?

What'll happen down the line? Someday she'll wake up...

...look in the mirror and notice she aged

years overnight.

You know something, Henry?

l worry about that every damn day of my life.

Pardon me.

Sorry to interrupt, but l noticed we were both eating alone...

...and l thought l could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi...

-...for your waffle house? -Oh, that would be nice...

...but l have a boyfriend.

So l'm sorry.

You're making up a boyfriend to get rid of me?

No, l'm not.

What's his name, then?

Ringo.

ls his last name Starr?

-No. McCartney. -McCartney, okay.

-Oh, no. -All right. l'm sorry.

No! This cop is writing me a ticket!

Oh, whoa, whoa. l wouldn't go out there.

-Wait, wait, wait! -Go on!

l'm coming.

The tags don't expire for seven months.

-They expired May of this year. -No! No, no!

They expire May of next year.

l think there's been a misunderstanding.

-l don't. -This is ridiculous.

l'm not paying for this! It's October!

Excuse me. Can l borrow this? Look, October!

Lucy, let's go back inside.

What?

What?

Having a bad day, Doug!

Sweetheart...

...these are from the accident.

Oh, no!

l can feel it.

You were in the hospital for three months, sweetheart.

l have to talk to this doctor. l need to hear it from him.

You have heard it, sweetie. Many times.

l have?

l'll take her.

l have to hear for myself too.

Doug, just take this, okay? l can't--

l can't look at it anymore.

-It's gonna be all right, Luce. -Don't call me Luce. l barely know you.

Sweetie, you're sort of dating him.

Sorry l'm not better-looking.

What else happened since last October?

-What about my students? -Miss Campbell took over your class.

-Did Alicia marry that guy? -Yeah.

Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaii contest?

l didn't know there was gonna be a urine test.

Wow.

Do we have sex?

No, we don't. Just so everybody knows that.

We want to.

Just kidding.

So you guys have to just lie to me every day.

Hey, Lucy. Good to see you again.

What the hell's her problem?

She doesn't remember who you are, brah.

Oh, yeah.

l suck at this job.

Lucy, these are your brain scans here.

l'm afraid they show no improvement.

The temporal lobe was severely damaged.

What we believe is scar tissue here is impairing your ability...

...to convert short-term memory into long-term memory while you sleep.

The condition's come to be known as Goldfield Syndrome.

-Who's Goldfield? -A brilliant Lithuanian psychiatrist.

He himself suffered temporal-lobe damage.

Took him four years to publish his findings...

...because he had to keep starting over from scratch.

Obviously, your sense of humor is still intact, and that's here.

Magnificent amygdala as well.

-Doctor, l have a question. -l'd be happy to answer it...

...but as l've told you before, this is a hygienic facility. Shirts are required.

-Oh, okay. -Nice move.

Listen, doctor, this...

...friend of mine's been experimenting a little with steroids.

He's been having a lot

of wet dreams.

Could there be a connection between them?

Douglas, get off the juice.

As for the nocturnal emissions, why don't you take a swim...

...buy a shirt with no holes, find a wahine and take her to dinner.

l'll tell my friend you said so.

ln any case, Lucy, your condition is stable...

...but most likely permanent.

l'm so sorry, dear.

But it could be worse.

Yeah? How?

l think you should meet Ten Second Tom.

Callahan lnstitute is the leading brain-injury clinic in the Pacific Rim.

We are funded out of Sandusky, Ohio by T.B. Callahan...

...the automotive-components tycoon and philanthropist.

And now, l would like to introduce to you...

...our most distinguished clinical subject...

...Tom.

-Hi. l'm Tom. -Henry.

-Marlin. -Doug.

-Lucy. -Hi.

Cool flip-flops. Where'd you get them?

You like those? It's interesting. l was on the North Shore--

Hi, l'm Tom.

-Henry. -Hi.

-Marlin. -Tom lost part of his brain...

...in a hunting accident. His memory lasts

seconds.

l was in an accident? That's terrible.

Don't worry. You'll get over it in seconds.

Get over it? l mean, what happened? Did l get shot in the brain--?

-Hi, l'm Tom. -Hi, l'm Lucy.

-Hi. -Doug.

-Hey. -Marlin.

Hey, Tom, can l tell you a secret?

Don't you think you're a little old to still have wet dreams?

-They liked that. -Hi, l'm Tom.

-Yeah, watch yourself, Tom. -Easy.

-l'm gonna go to sleep. -All right. Good night.

Good night, you guys.

l'll see you tomorrow.

-And l guess l'll see you too? -Oh, yeah.

You had a rough day today. l'm sorry.

l hope you get some rest tonight.

Okay.

Good night.

So how you getting home?

-You gonna take the Likelike or--Hey.

Thank you for being so nice to me today.

-Sure. -l don't want you to...

...strike out tomorrow.

So maybe you could talk to me about...

...lilies.

Lilies?

l'm a sucker for lilies.

Thanks for the tip.

Good night.

Good night.

My, oh, my.

-Lover-boy. -Yes, sir.

You don't have to rush off. Stick around.

You've earned yourself a couple beers.

So what'll you do when you finish the boat?

Actually, l'm going on a trip soon...

...to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.

Sounds kind of fruity.

-Thank you. -How long is it gonna take?

About a year.

Guess you won't miss days like this.

Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.

What are you trying to say?

When you guys tell her...

...she's not just finding out about the accident.

She's finding out that her life is basically a setup.

l think that freaks her out the most.

-You're an expert now? -No.

l'm saying l wish there was another way besides:

''Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's pictures of your broken head.''

-You want a broken head? -You'll give him one?

No, Daddy, l thought you was gonna do it.

Nobody's gotta break my head. l'm gonna split anyways.

Oh, don't go just because my son is psychotic.

Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep them dry there, Doug.

Very funny.

-Excuse me. Lucy Whitmore? -Yes?

l have a delivery for you.

-A delivery for me? -Yes.

Oh, they're beautiful.

-Who are they from? -That l can't tell you.

It's a secret admirer. He also wants you to have this.

-Who's your friend, Lucy? -Oh, well, l mean, l don't know.

We just met, but look.

l have a secret admirer.

Oh, really? What's this?

It's a videotape.

A videotape of what?

l have no idea.

But l have to find out.

Happy birthday, Daddy.

-Thank you, sweetie. -That's right. Happy birthday, sir.

-What are you,

today?

-That's cute.

-What are you doing? -l wanted to try something different.

lf it doesn't work, we've only wasted one day.

Martha Stewart faced charges--

Oh, God!

Okay, I think it's on. Go. Go.

Aloha! I'm Henry Roth.

We met here at the Hukilau Cafe about a year after your accident.

I like you and you like me, most days.

Every day is different, but basically this is what happens, Lucy.

Kikikoloko, take the camera.

-I got it. -Don't drop it.

Okay, all right. Here we are, right here.

The part of you in this reenactment...

...will be played by my good friend, Ula.

Aloha. Sorry about your brain.

I had a accident too.

Believe it or not, this my good eye.

-We ready? -Yeah.

Hi. I like that waffle teepee that you have buiIt.

Oh! So nice of you to notice.

Please, sit down.

I would love to.

My name is Henry, by the way.

My name is Lucy.

Smell my fingers?

Fish. Right on.

So, Lucy, I work at an aquarium.

Aquariums make me super horny.

That's not funny. Don't rub those.

Sorry, Mr. Whitmore, if you're watching.

It's very late, and my friend's unstable.

Come on, stop with the licking! You're making me sick.

Lucy, I'm sorry.

Anyways, I know you wish I was making all this stuff up.

I wish I was too.

But the good news is...

...so many people out there care about you:

Your dad and Doug and a couple of your friends here at the Hukilau...

...who have a message for you.

Lucy, as you know, your mother and I were best friends.

That's why I promised her that I would always help look after you.

Sometimes life isn't very fair...

...but we still have you.

Oh, and if you're wondering about this guy who's making this tape...

...he's okay.

Hey, Lucy. Just so you know, since you lost your memory...

...I became governor of Hawaii.

No, just kidding. I'm too smart.

Kualaliku! Get your brother off the dishwasher!

So whenever you're ready, we'd all love to talk to you...

...and answer any questions you have...

...and you're the best, Lucy. Aloha.

How many times have l watched this?

This is the first time.

Okay, she cried for about an hour. That's not too bad.

l bet in another hour she'll be ready to see her friends, have lunch...

...get her life back.

We could do this every day.

We'll leave it up to her.

All right.

So how's the cow?

Same as you. Every day they have to convince her she's a cow.

Wow, look. The bark is healing.

You're gonna get there.

l never hung out with you in the afternoon like this.

ln this lighting, man, oh, man, you look...

...disgusting.

Yeah.

l don't know how you get me to fall for that egg-shaped head every morning.

All l have to do is slide on my designer jeans...

...and just kind of wiggle in front of you. You go nuts.

Why couldn't l have met you one day before the accident?

Don't worry, because if you hung out with me for more than one day...

...you'd realize l'm a bore.

-Oh, well, l have news for you. -Yes?

It takes less than one day.

You know something? That hurt.

Your damaged temporal lobe is causing me pain...

...and l'm gonna get you for that.

Now you're dead!

-l can't believe you're pregnant. -l know.

-And l got her on the first try. -Yeah. Easy.

And, Tammy, you are so thin.

Thanks, Luce.

And l'm so glad you finally got...

...that gender-reassignment surgery, Jennifer. l mean, Jonathan.

Mahalo.

-Here you go, Lucy.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome. -You must be Lucy's friend.

-The one who made the tape. -l think he's more than my friend.

-You're my boyfriend, right? -Yes, ma'am.

So every day you help her to realize what happened...

...and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it...

...then get her to fall in love

with you again?

Yes, ma'am.

You asshole!

You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

You're in trouble.

l gotta go tinkle.

Okay, so tell me a little bit more about yourself.

Okay. Well, l've...

...won over seven all-you-can-eat chicken-wing contests.

-Really? -Yes.

And l'm a ballet dancer, but only in my bathroom.

No, what do you want to know?

Do you love me?

l didn't mean to put you on the spot.

l was just asking more for informational purposes.

It's to keep the video as up-to-date as possible.

Sure.

Well, love is a very loaded word.

Let's see. l....

l go to this restaurant every morning, and l see you there, reading.

And....

l love you very much.

Probably more than anybody could love another person.

And how do l feel about you?

You're excited about the chicken-wing thing.

And...

...you've been dying to make out with me for some time now.

Feeling better now?

Nothing beats a first kiss.

There's nothing like a first kiss.

Nothing beats a first kiss.

That's what l've heard.

Nothing beats a first--

What are you doing?

Nothing. l was just getting some lint off for you.

You were going for a feelski!

All right, l'm sorry, but this is like the rd time we've made out already...

...and they're getting blue.

l know. l know.

l mean, l really don't know.

For me, it still feels like the first time.

Okay, let's average it out then.

It's the

rd time for me

and the first time for you.

-That's about our

th time.

-Yeah?

Now, Hawaiian law clearly states after the

th date...

...l'm entitled to unlimited boob access.

Why didn't l meet you one day before the accident?

You say that all the time.

You want to meet a friend of mine?

All right.

Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.

Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you.

He is awesome! He is so smart.

Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready?

-Very good. -Can l ask him a question?

Go ahead.

Jocko...

...do you think that Henry and l are ready to take our relationship...

...to the next level?

You sure about that?

Do you think l should bring him into the other room...

...and take advantage of him?

l saw that hand gesture.

-And l'm glad you did it. -Really?

-Use that. -Oh, wow. Look!

-Yeah. -They're--

They're nodding in approval, l hope.

They like you. Let me get them out of there.

Mary-Kate, Ashley, get a life.

Thank you. Sorry.

-Oh, they're very nice, though. -Yeah, so are you.

Let me get you down slow.

-Thank you. -My pleasure.

All right, l just wrote this, so go easy on me.

The Hukilau was the place

Where I first saw your face

We liked each other right away

But you didn't remember me The very next day

Forgetful Lucy

Has got a nice caboose-y

I used to trick you into pulling Your car over so we could chat

But my favorite time was when you Beat the shit out of Ula with a bat

And we drove up to see Dr. Keats

And found out why Doug always Has to change his sheets

Forgetful Lucy

Cracked her head like Gary Busey

But I still love her so

And I'll never let her go

Even if while I'm singing this song

She's wishing I had Jocko the Walrus' schlong

Forgetful Lucy

Her lips are so damn juicy

How about another first kiss

Can't fall asleep.

l'm not sleeping.

l'm just closing my eyes.

Well, l'm gonna go downstairs then.

No, no. l'm just resting.

Lucy.

Yeah.

Will you marry me?

-Of course. -Good.

Don't forget about me.

Never.

Good morning.

Oh, shit!

-Help! Help! -Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lucy.

Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey.

l know this is hard for you to understand...

...but we are actually seeing each other.

We have been for a while now.

Oh! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!

lf l was lying, how would l know this?

You're an art teacher and you go to the Hukilau every Sunday...

...and you make waffle houses and you like Casablanca lilies.

-Stalker! -No, don't you remember me a little?

l may not be able to kick your ass, but my sister can.

Thanks, buddy.

Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay.

She's watching the tape as we speak.

How's my temporal lobe looking there, doc?

Don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short-term memory loss.

But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

Don't make fun of Henry. It's not his fauIt it's shaped like that.

Note the intense overreaction. That's the ''roids'' talking.

-Doug, once again, off the juice. -It's not juice.

It's a protein shake.

Henry, the boys tell me you're setting sail for Alaska to study walruses.

-When does that adventure begin? -That actually began...

...ten years ago. That's when l started planning and building my boat.

All l know is, out of all mammals, they have the second-largest penis.

l have the first.

That's my joke.

Did you tell Lucy about this trip?

Well...

...actually, there's nothing to tell because l decided not to go.

l mean, Lucy needs me here.

l'm just worried about going away for a year...

...and ruining all the progress she's made.

l know you think l'm crazy...

...but l think deep down inside...

-...she's starting to remember me. -No, Henry.

That's what you want to believe. It's what we all want to believe.

But it's never gonna happen.

Okay. l gotta go to work.

Will you tell her l'll be back later to pick her up?

See you, guys. Don't tell anyone your sister beat me up.

He could go to the moon and back and Lucy would never even know he left.

Sometimes l wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome.

That way she wouldn't remember when l called her mother...

...a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.

All right. There's your medicine, little fellow.

Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool!

lf that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.

How do you think l get them to double flip and play with white kids?

Okay, Willie, that's it.

This time try to stay clean for more than a day.

l made you a nice anchovy sundae.

Okay, enjoy that.

Henry?

-Hey! -How's your head?

-Oh, it's fine. Don't worry. -Good.

What brings your royal cuteness out here?

l needed to see you.

Okay. What you got there?

It's my journal. l write in it every night.

-Oh, you don't like the video? -No, l love it.

It's just sometimes when l watch it, l feel like l'm being told about my life...

...from someone else. And when l read this...

...it's like l'm telling myself.

When did you start this up?

Right after you gave me the video.

-Really? -l was so nervous to come here...

...and meet the guy that makes me fall in love with him every day.

Well, you probably thought l couldn't live up to the hype.

No. l was nervous because....

Because l came here to break up with you.

You had plans and a life...

...before you met me and now all you have time for...

...is to make me fall in love with you.

That's not all l do. l gave a penguin a bath today.

Which l'll have to do again tomorrow.

l look at my dad and my brother's lives and l won't do that to you.

What do you want me to do? Be some chapter in your scrapbook and go?

No.

My plan is to erase you completely, so it's as if you never existed.

Why are you doing this?

Because you have to understand that there is no future with me.

Don't you want to have a career and marriage and children?

l asked you to marry me. You said yes.

Kids? Yeah, l'd love to do it.

But how is that going to work?

l'm gonna wake up every morning with an enormous belly and no memory...

...of how it happened?

l have to make a new journal that doesn't have you in it.

But before l do...

...l really want you to read what l wrote about you.

l will read about it tomorrow...

...when you forget about all this breaking up stuff, okay?

l'm not going to forget it. l wrote it down. l won't let myself.

And l'm gonna do it whether you want me to or not.

l'll be at my house.

Okay, type this one in there.

Saturday, November

th.

l drove out to Callahan lnstitute today and had a talk with Dr. Keats.

There's one about me.

Reminder: He makes funny noises when l kiss his neck.

l'm gonna miss that.

You sure you don't want me to put that in?

-We can skip that one.

-No, let me read it.

We made love tonight! It didn't last long, but it was incredible.

It's not all about how long you go. It's-There was a connection, l thought.

Actually, let's just rip that out.

Well, that's that.

Henry, wait!

Could l have one last first kiss?

-l ain't gonna do this, Marlin. -You have to, Henry.

l'm gonna miss you, but l gotta get the hell off this island.

l'm sorry l can't take you...

...but you've lived here so long you're too big of a pansy to defend yourself.

l don't feel bad for you. l know you got a thing going on with Candace.

Candace and Bernice?

Candace, Bernice and Rose?

Yeah. l fell for one chick and l'm losing my mind. Good luck with that.

Okay, baby.

l love you.

Thanks, buddy. Remember to use a condom.

Or in your case, a Hefty bag.

Well....

Okay, you guys. Thanks for coming to say goodbye.

Be careful.

You make sure your father doesn't get eaten by a shark.

Thank you, buddy. What does that mean again?

Bring me back a T-shirt.

Oh, okay. You got it.

Come here. All right. Love you guys.

My shirt size is medium husky.

Hey! Kikikuloa!

No flippies off the dock! You could get hurt!

No! All right. Let the master show you how to get it done.

Now you kids go down there and find my nuts.

Sure you don't want to take Doug?

Hey! What the heck are you guys doing here?

l spoke to the harbormaster and he said you were setting sail today...

...so we thought we'd wish you bon voyage.

This is from Nick and Sue. They send their best wishes.

That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

l love Spam and Reese's. Can l have it?

l guess.

-Doug! -That's all right.

-l'm sorry. -So...

...how's Lucy?

Actually, she's living at the institute.

-When did that happen? -Three weeks ago.

Said she didn't want to be a burden to me and Doug anymore. l don't know.

l couldn't talk her out of it. You know what?

She's doing really great up there.

She's teaching an art class and she gets to paint every day.

ln fact, she's even singing again.

Hey, look, l got a little gift for you too.

It's just a little something from one sailor to another one.

You take care of yourself out there.

-l will. -Okay.

Henry did not tell me about you.

Your fisherman muscles.

Can l touch?

Sure.

Yes.

The Beach Boys?

How nice of him to give me a CD

that will remind me...

...of all the wonderful times l shared with his daughter.

What an asshole!

Oh, why?

Why would you do this to me?

You sick bastard!

Oh, my God.

ls he trying to tell me something?

She only sings on days she meets you.

She remembers me?

Holy shit!

She remembers me!

Julia, that looks great.

Excuse me. What am l doing?

You're painting a picture. And you're doing an excellent job.

Oh.

Holy crap! l suck.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Can we help you, sir? -Yes. l have an appointment.

-What's your name? -My name?

Dude, he forgot his name. l feel bad for him.

Just go on up. And good luck with that memory problem.

Yeah. Thank you.

What?

Lucy!

Lucy!

-Hi, l'm Tom. -Hey, l met you before. l'm Henry.

Maybe you can help me. l'm looking for Lucy Whitmore.

Any idea where l can find her?

Hi, l'm Tom.

Oh. Thanks anyways.

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy Whitmore...

...can l ask you a question?

Do you have any idea who l am?

-No. -No?

That sucks.

-What's your name? -l'm Henry.

Henry.

l want to show you something. Will you come with me?

Well, yeah.

Hey. Do you know who that guy is?

Dude, l don't even know who l am.

Oh, well, you're Pablo Picasso.

-Really? -No. Not really.

This is my studio.

l don't know who you are, Henry...

...but l dream about you almost every night.

Why?

What would you say if l told you that notebook you read every day...

...used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?

l would say that that makes a lot of sense.

You erased me from your memories...

...because you thought you were holding me back from having...

...a full and happy life.

But you made a mistake.

Being with you is the only way l could have a full and happy life.

You're the girl of my dreams...

...and apparently l'm the man of yours.

Henry.

It's nice to meet you.

Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.

Hi, l'm Tom.

Henry, Lucy. Nice to meet you, Tom.

Now why don't you come back in ten seconds so we can meet again?

Do you, Honah Lee, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife...

...to have and to hold from this day forth...

...as long as you both shall live?

-I do.

-Really?

Even though in, like,

years...

...she could possibly let herself go and then, like...

...sex could be, like, nauseating for you?

What are you, nuts? Your wife's right over there.

I'm just kidding, Muumuu!

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Mazel tov!

It's very cold, so when you're ready...

...put on a jacket and come have breakfast with me. Love you.

Hey, hey! Good morning, Mrs. Roth. Would you like to meet your daughter?

Go say hello to Mommy.

Hi, Mommy.

That's right.

Good morning.

Oh, my goodness!

-Grandpa's here. -Hi, Dad.

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