'Awakening to Consciousness' - Sandra Heber Percy

Awakening to

Consiciousness A JJour our ne om self to Self neyy fr from

Sandra Heber-Percy

Concern in Love

SAI TOWERS PUBLISHING

Awakening to

Consiciousness

Dedication

A JJour our ne om self to Self neyy fr from

Copyright © 2008 Sandra Heber Percy

Whenever the writing happens, these fingers move,

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, or transmitted in any form, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review; nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other, without written permission from the publisher. Published by Sai Towers Publishing 23/1142 VL Colony Kadugudi, Bangalore 560 067 INDIA Tel : +91 (0)80 2845 1648, 2845 5758 Fax:+91 (0)80 2845 1649 E-mail: [email protected] URL: www.saitowers.com A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

yet ‘there is no one to write at all.’ therefore no one should claim copyright. We all have started by banging our head against a closed window panel, trying to go beyond with effort without realizing that the main door was wide open and there was no need of effort at all and nothing to attain. This was the leela God enjoyed most.

Typeset in 11.5 point Garamond

If anything may be labeled as mine, My gratitude is limitless

ISBN 81-7899-056-3

Thank You Lord.

Printed in India by Vishruti Prints

The outpouring of gratitude is this humble offering in the form of a book.

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Foreword

The predestined meetings with contemporary awakened ones who have realized they are nothing less than the Absolute Brahman, cannot but bring the joy of peace and gradually make the veils of Maya disappear. When the awakened ones happen to appear in your life like thunderbolts, such meetings are preordained and represent the highest boon. They are reflections of our own Self showing us a way of using new concepts, as a thorn is used to take out another thorn. This is in order to remove the old embedded concepts and conditionings that have brought us to their feet in utter confusion. All these reflections of the Divine Energy have their allotted role to play, in order to re-condition our attitude towards life in a rhythmic Cosmic Waltz, Siva’s Cosmic Dance, the leela of the Paramatma, the Source, who is ready to reveal “Itself” to “Itself” as the jiva, the individual soul and cannot be anything different. When the understanding dawns that the individual soul in reality does not exist (at all) as separate, and (it) is not at all ‘individual’, the Cosmic Waltz becomes an expression of gratitude and peace that enlightened sages call ‘Suka Shanthi’, the joy of peace that cannot be “experienced” as the ego. The ego, which is the ‘experiencer’, has now dissolved in the fire of acceptance of not being the doer. The awakened ones know instantly what the ego of the person in front of them needs, I believe they scan the mind, vii

going into its deepest nooks and crannies, into the vibrating cells to identify immediately the need of the hour, or see the drama Consciousness has authored. Some of us are ready and open up instantly by the boon of grace, others cling to old patterns a little longer. Just as a stone to split it, may need to be hit either by 50 strokes, or one, according to the programming and the intervention of Grace into which one has finally woken up to by quietening the mind. The enlightened ones may be compared to the stillness of a lake or a clear mirror where Consciousness plays the role of the enlightened one, the Master or even God Himself, dispelling the doubts of another speck of Consciousness playing the role of the confused seeker to whom Consciousness, as the Unbroken Whole, wants to give deeper understanding. This book was not meant to explain to what degree of enlightenment all the world masters, saints and enlightened sages I have met, have reached. You may benefit from a small or huge ray of the Divine, but you cannot explain the divine leela playing hide and seek with “Itself”. The play goes on in the Cosmic womb and Consciousness activates Itself, in order to experience existence. The Absolute Principle, the Noumenon, cannot know ‘It is’, and therefore manifests itself as a superimposition on Itself. Even more difficult to summarize in a few pages, is the Ultimate Truth and the message that all Realised Beings give, because words are mere concepts and useless tools to describe Reality.

glance would lead this stubborn child to a glimpse of pure happiness, to a tiny droplet of inspiration and the deep peace each step guided by Intelligence, Wisdom and Love Itself, brought me to. What is the result of this long divine soap opera? I may encapsulate the answer in a few words: “I know nothing and there is nothing to know, nothing to attain: it is all God’s leela”. The intention of this small book is to show the images of a film the Source has directed, played and acted in this river of life. How it happened that Sandra was guided to change the rough course of life, the mammoth task of pushing the current upwards, so that in time it would find its way back home, by first hopelessly trying to understand with the mind and, then by an insight, an intuition in the heart, that we are all that awesome Principle of Truth and already one with that Ocean of Love, and how it then happened that I gave up all attempts to search further.

All I wish, is to humbly share the rare pearls of wisdom I was given by these great ones through the teachings I was gradually destined to receive. To tell of the lessons, the tests, the insights and the direct or subtle guidance, that brought me out of the illusion and delusion I was mired in. How I perceived them, in my attempt to purify mind and heart, how I stumbled, how I giggled in all these years, when all the efforts gave no results, yet how a simple

To share how the Divine Energy has lovingly reconnected me to one of the sweetest reflections of the Paramatma, the Oversoul, Sri Sathya Sai Baba; to the enlightened saints, the loving yet strict disciplinarian and world renown Kriya Yoga Master, Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, the neutral and brief appearance of an enlightened Avadhoota and a rare enlightened Sage that finished the game of the seeking, Ramesh. S. Balsekar. All, with no exception, had a role to play in the understanding and unveiling by offering the tools, the example, unsullied and unconditional love, and deep insight, so that the profound non-dualistic teachings could eventually seep in, to flow faster towards realizing my own blissful nature. To share how I experienced that they are all One with the Supreme Divine Energy, aloof channels of pure supreme knowledge, with no distinctions, but only interconnected Oneness, as Consciousness is all there is. All acted the necessary part they were allotted to play; all explained the very same

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Truth, using different terms. What made their teachings appear different, was only my level of understanding. Our life’s journey is a pilgrimage that’s always going from one sacred space to yet another sacred space and the very road that we are all traveling on between these spaces is also sacred. No matter what our life looks like at the moment, we are always standing enveloped in the reassuring amniotic liquid of the divine womb.

Contents

If any target at all exists, it is to awaken from the delusion of being separate from everything else. PS: Do forgive me: while writing this introduction I just remembered, after many years what my grand mother used to say: “Don’t ask monks and Saints about enlightenment. One question only leads to another, as after all, not even God can explain God. A saint isn’t any closer to enlightenment than is a sinner. The only difference between them is that a saint knows this while the sinner is still pretending that he doesn’t. But now it is too late! I was not meant to understand her advice. Just giggle with me.

PART I 8.8.88 The First Appointment ....................................... 1 Years Go By .................................................................. 7 “So Happy To See You” ............................................... 15 The Power of Look ...................................................... 18 Himalayas .................................................................. 22 The Jyotirling and Patal ............................................. 25 This Marriage Must Work ........................................... 31 Can One Ever Abandon Him? ..................................... 36 The Dark Night of the Soul ......................................... 45

PART II The Boon ................................................................... The Day of Initiation .................................................. Kriya Yoga Intensive Program .................................... The Trip to Miami ....................................................... Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi ...........................................

Part One x

53 59 66 70 78

PART III This Was Not The End ................................................ 87 The Odyssey Continues ............................................. 98 xi

The Avadhoota ......................................................... Dayanandaji’s Story ................................................. Melting All Confusion in the Fire of Knowledge ....... The Inner World Reflects on the Outer One .............

106 116 121 127

PART IV The Final Harbour: Advaita The Happening of a Meeting ..................................... The Highest Understanding ..................................... Wisdom Piercing the Heart ....................................... The Last Blow to the Coconut ...................................

131 140 154 179

PART IV What are We Talking About? Sages ....................................................................... Stages of Consciousness .......................................... A Few Hints on Advaita ............................................ The Keys .................................................................. Confusion ................................................................ Who Created the Ego? .............................................. Effort or No Effort? ....................................................

187 194 203 208 215 221 227

APPENDIX Profiles & Flashes on the Advaita Masters Mentioned in the Book Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj :A Profile ........................... 235 Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile ................................ 257 Wei Wu Wei -Terence Grey: A Profile ....................... 276 Books Referred ......................................................... 287 About the Author ...................................................... 289 xii

Part I

CHAPTER1

8.8.88 The First Appointment

“After long searches here and there, in temples and churches, on earths and in heavens, at last you have come back, completing the circle from where you started, back to your own soul, to find that He, for whom you have been seeking all over the world, for whom you have been weeping and praying in temples and churches, on whom you are looking as the mystery of all mysteries, is the nearest of the near, is your own self, the reality of your life, body and soul.”

When I first landed in 1988 in Bombay, the humid heat enveloped me and almost left me breathless. It seemed to warn me it was better to jump on another plane back to my own country, Italy, or I would get entangled and trapped. I hesitated for a few minutes, but then I felt something like a hand pushing me from behind and, with uncertain steps, saw myself reach a taxi, watch amazed at five porters fighting to load one suitcase in the back of the car, and then reach the domestic airport for the Bangalore flight. Why had I decided to come all alone to India? Did I really know what was in store for me? What for sure I did not know, was that India was where I would eventually live for many years to unsettle my life, my patterns and eventually aim at controlling the mind, gradually slowing down my attachment to thoughts and even spiritual concepts, to find that deep peace and joy I had been searching and longing for since I was born. 1

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8.8.88 The First Appointment

In the early hours of the sultry morning, Bombay was waking up and strong smells of spices mixed with the smog of heavy traffic pollution reached my nostrils, huge eyes of smiling children met mine and their innocent joy was such a “welcome home” for an unknown inner part of my being. Who, what was rejoicing?

house and went on studying till an officer knocked on your door and ordered you to vacate and join the others in one of the air-raid shelters? That night your house was bombed.’ And then Sai Baba added:

I was on my way to Puttaparthi to verify if what I had read about Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba in books, could actually be real and if so, make sure I was not going to miss such a rare and unique opportunity. While waiting for my connection to Bangalore, an elderly Indian couple came and asked if I was going to see Sai Baba and, if so, to join them and travel together as they felt a lady should not travel alone. How sweet and caring are traditional Indians! I accepted their considerate help as the protection sent by the invisible hand of the Lord and felt more secure in their company. I had planned to sleep and rest in Bangalore before moving on to Puttaparthi, but they insisted it would be better to get a taxi and go straight to the Ashram, so I joined them. The landscape all along the trip was so beautiful and the colours of the earth all tones of reds, browns and grays; huge trees gave shade to the road for kilometers, but when we arrived in Andhra the scenery dramatically changed into a warm yellow red desert with soft hills or abrupt rocks reaching up to the sky, as hands held up in prayer. It was overwhelming. I broke the silence asking my new friends if they had already met Sai Baba and with great enthusiasm the husband told me his story:

‘I was that officer.’ In that very moment I knew Sai was the all-knowing pervading Divinity, the Avatar of this age. Since then our life has changed for the better and all we have, all we are, we owe to Him.” Did I need to hear this? Well, yes. It is so difficult for human beings to recognize the Divinity in what simply looks a human being walking amidst us all! It seems so incredible and, for a western mind, even more so, as the concept of Avatar is so far from our culture. How are we to be sure? In one of the books I had read that Sri Sathya Sai Baba simply had said: “Come, witness, experience yourselves.” So, this is what I seemed to be on the point of doing, but how this recognition would then entirely change the course of my life, I then did not even fathom.

“We live in London where I work as a journalist and, ten years ago, I was sent to Prasanthi Nilayam Ashram to write an article on Sri Sathya Sai Baba. I then did not believe in Sai. On the second day of my stay in the Ashram I was called in for an interview and Swami told me. ‘ Do you remember when, during the war, you were in London to finish your studies and you had to interrupt your work every night, as you all had to go in the air-raid shelters? Do you remember that evening, when you felt you were wasting your time and decided not to move from your

At the Ashram accommodation they grudgingly allotted me was a fifty centimeters space in a shed and there I had to watch my reactions and adaptability. That very same afternoon I went to have my first darshan of Sri Sathya Sai, sat for hours in lines and then on soft sand in a beautiful space right in front of a pink, pale blue and cream Mandir…. in that stillness under the scorching sun one only heard the loud chatter of the hundreds of crows nesting in the nearby trees. We all waited and waited, and it seemed a sacrilege to even move one’s body. The mind was slowing down its noisy presence till it filled with peace, as when you arrive home after a long period traveling aimlessly around the world. Then even the loud gossip of the crows suddenly stopped, the leaves of the trees rejoiced fluttering sweetly in the breeze, as if greeting someone they all loved and I felt an elevating silence in all the cells of my brain and body. When I opened my eyes I saw everyone stand up. Still spaced out, I inquired if darshan had been postponed, but they told me it was over, Swami

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8.8.88 The First Appointment

had already come out, walked around all the darshan area and then back in the interview room with a group…and I had not seen Him! Where was I while He was giving darshan? Was His light too powerful for my eyes to see? Was my mind steeped in such darkness that I could not see His form? Later in the years I received a reading from the Shastri in Bangalore, the Shuka Nadi palm leaf reader, where he stated that the karmic physical encounter with Sri Sathya Sai was predetermined for the 8.8.88 and not the 7th. (as I had previously planned before meeting the Indian couple who had convinced me not to stop for the night in Bangalore.)

unconcerned by my presence on the hot sand, under the scorching sun and my numbness of feelings was in such contrast with the general exhilaration of the crowds that rejoiced with His sweetness, love and attention that I almost felt out of place and incredibly hurt. It did not occur to me, then, that it was me who was far away from Him, still so absorbed in the material world running after all my crazy mind’s suggestions, desires attachments, preferences and expectations that were creating so much resistance, so much noise and such an infinite distance from my inner Self.

This is only the first of a long series of hide and seek games I would have to play, first with the form and later on with the formless, but it took time to learn it was a game and that the fun was playing with love and no expectations, with the enthusiasm and simplicity of a child, with no conceptualizations, with no over structures of prejudices, no projections, never judging, always adjusting and accepting whatever happened as the very best for this personality and its dissolution into the pure awareness of the atmic reality. In those days, at five in the mornings, the devotees used to walk three or nine times around the Mandir, where Sai Baba then lived and slept. This was just before the Suprabatham - the song devotees sing to wake up the Lord of Parthi - and Omkar – the recitation of Om 21 times. I simply watched and did exactly as the others were doing even if I did not understand what it all meant. One morning, while circumambulating around the temple I saw all my life as a film. Slide after slide, instances I had long forgotten came clearly back as coloured pictures in my mind, so that I could acknowledge the opportunities life had offered me and the opportunities I seemed to have missed. Irrepressible tears rolled down and with these silent tears, I seemed to wash away all memories as if they had fulfilled their task and now, had become useless.

On my very last day I had the possibility to sit inside the temple, while the students were singing bhajans, devotional songs, to Sai who was sitting in front of us. I was sitting first of the line and squatted right in front of Him. The devotion and the rhythm of the bhajans melted my entire being. I was focusing all my attention on His outstretched feet, trying to impress them in my memory so that, once back at home, I could hold on to them in humble prayer when, all of a sudden, I felt His loving piercing look. I looked up and our eyes met for the first time. His eyes were an ocean of love and filled me to the brim with His compassion. I was spellbound and engulfed in sweetness. He smiled as if He had always known me. I inwardly prayed. “ If You are Who You say You are, please melt my heart. If You are, please give me steady faith.” Then something happened which is difficult to express in words: an incredible flurry of sweetness, love and understanding pervaded my entire being. Hot honey was delicately gushing out of my heart chakra, which was burning and seemed to have expanded, vibrating forcibly. There was only the deepest unfathomable, awesome love.

At darshans, after the first breathtaking impact, I went through hell as I felt Sai Baba as a total stranger, totally

The bhajans now had a fast rhythm as if the devotion was on the point of exploding with a bang, but then Sai stood up and swiftly disappeared to receive Arathi under the veranda. I was still feeling hot sweet honey, like lava from a volcano, pouring out of my heart. I looked at Shirdi Sai Baba’s picture and it seemed to wink happily at me. The temple was pulsating with devotion, love and peace.

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Being very grounded and practical, I tried to dismiss the experience telling myself it was some strange menopause phenomenon …but it continued even when I came out of the temple, it went on and on for hours and hours. The only thing I could do was to press a cushion against my heart in order not to miss one drop of that bliss and sit still, eyes closed. Then, out of the blue, I realized I had no more doubts and that, since I had walked out of the temple, the knowing was there, not in my mind, but in my heart. I felt He was and had always been my inner Self projected on the outside, in a concretized form. I had felt His love within my own heart calling me back to the Source, to my Reality. Within a few hours I just accepted His Reality of being the extraordinary Incarnation of the Divine as He had reflected Himself in my inner Self and was vibrating in my heart. The leela of one single look!

CHAPTER 2

Years Go By

“Every day ruminate over your experiences. All the differences you find in the world are only reflections of your mind. Whether you love someone or hate someone, or ridicule somebody, they are all your reflections only.”

Next morning I bowed in front of His bedroom window with body and soul. The body returned to Europe, but to me it seemed that the soul remained there on the sand of the Mandir, under His bedroom window. For two long years I was unable to come back to Bharat. A few months after my return home from India, my husband died and the responsibilities towards the four children and my job tied me back. All was difficult, but also that period soon ended. I did everything patiently detached and felt alive and vibrant only when I could go within and recall that same feeling experienced inside the temple again and again. That was my meditation; I knew no other technique. When tears tried to find their way, when I seemed to miss His loving form, I would read one of Sai’s teachings I had pinned over my bed as a reminder: One attains freedom by conquering desires, not by running away from one’s duties.

Those around Sai Baba often reminded me: “Whatever you see in others is a reflection of your own problem.” Oh! How much these eyes have seen! How much I had to change! Now that 14 years have rolled by full of lessons, pitfalls and battles, joys and tears for great moments at His feet when He would change the issues to work on and give love for the little efforts made, now I may say I know what He meant when He said He was the best dhobi (laundry man) and that He pounded us on the rocks to make us clean. But how did I happen to jump on that plane that landed in Bombay? Let’s go back to 1987. It was a Sunday like any other Sunday of the year. It was my 41st birthday. I thought I was happy and fulfilled,

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Years Go By

but when I looked out of the window into the empty sky that Sunday, I felt as if I were looking into a life void of meaning. Fear and panic, unknown up to that day, pierced my heart. My head was throbbing and I was gasping for air. At the peak of a career, a family with ups and downs, but still lovely children, a beautiful house and all what one could ever dream of, how could I stare into a life void of meaning? Cramps started in my tummy and all the lunch had to be thrown out.

While reading the books I kept asking myself. “What kind of trap is this? How can it be? Is it true?” Six months went by and then the day dawned I felt I could not ignore any longer the magnetism of that slim figure in orange, so I wrote to Him a letter asking His permission to come to His Ashram in India. After a few days the vibhuti made the packet explode and the ash was all over my bedside table and bed. Did I need any other answer? I went to an agent and bought my first ticket to India. I was impatient to experience what He really was, but at the same time a strange melancholy filled my heart, and there seemed to be a part of me resisting the entire idea. The personality had invested so much in creating and nurturing its false securities that it seemed to lift its head up making a great noise against this trip. Stepping on that plane to India, one part of me had the awareness that it was a one-way ticket with no return and was delighted, but the other part felt the impending danger of losing all the certainties known till then and that it was a leap into a void. This is how I arrived, totally unprepared and split in two. How Sai slowly became the most important part of my life is such a long process of experiences under His loving guidance, from within and without, that it would be too long to write them all. I will only try to evoke the course of the main action.

A strange fierce feeling of dissatisfaction had crept in uninvited and I had to face it. Where to start? What did I miss? What was the root cause of this abysmal sense of frustration that had just got hold of my entire being? The answer arrived directly from a knowing within, similar to a voice coming from the heart. “What have I achieved so far? Do life’s gains and losses, successes and failures have any value? I have not yet discovered the real sense. I have no spiritual goals, no real faith.” What an appalling and shocking revelation to discover that all I had strived for, actually had no value and to realize it out of the blue, just staring out of a window. I heard my voice cry out loud. “I wish I had faith! Where are you?” And then fell asleep, exhausted to be woken up by someone ringing the doorbell. I looked at my watch and noticed it was already seven in the morning. At the door there stood my best friend, my cousin who had just come back from a trip to India. He looked tanned and very thin; he simply said: “I know you are ready, read these books. Use this ash to heal your heart.” I stared at him numb, he was a psychiatrist, loved me and knew me well, but how could he have had such a timely intuition! He went away leaving in my hands two books and a packet of soft gray ash, which had a slight smell of jasmine that from the books I learned was called vibhuti. One of the books was Sai Baba, Man of Miracles and the other one The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist. This is when and how the greatest laundry man took over my entire life as, at last, I had called on Him and His duty, as He says, was to respond immediately. 8

During my first period in India, I have often asked myself if I were crazy, but this folly was giving me such joy, such happiness and peace that I loved it. Still, if you do not mind your thoughts, things happen and, believing I was a bit crazy, I started meeting all crazy people. Of all, I remember one of them who really made me laugh. One day a lady knocked on the door of my room asking for some medicines, as she believed herself to be allergic to Puttaparthi water and was therefore covered in pimples. I handed over what could help her and, instead of leaving, she then sat down and told me she was Gandhi’s secretary and that the police was running after her, but she had to inform Baldo in Rome otherwise he’d be waiting for her at 9

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

Years Go By

the airport missing his meals. I made no comments, just listened, and assumed Baldo was her husband, but after a long incoherent story, she added that one day Baldo had woken up asking for new clothes, as it was getting cold. Therefore she had gone to Prenatal, which is a store for babies’ ready to wear, so I assumed Baldo was her son, but then she told me she could find trousers, sweaters and a nice coat for him, but not 4 identical shoes all the same colour and size. “Why four?” I asked. She looked bewildered and, in a matter of fact tone, she said Baldo was her dog and, if I would excuse her, she had to leave me as she had to go and ring him up and then fly back to Rome. I wondered how the Energy of Life was going to guide that lady safely back home, but in the years I saw her again and again so, she must be the Lord’s ‘robot’, as her mind surely did not allow her to travel from Italy to Bombay, from Bombay to Bangalore and from Bangalore to Prasanthi Nilayam all on her own.

consciously let the Lord draw the number and, when I saw it was number 25, which was the last one, I told myself it would have been far better if I myself had drawn it, without allowing Sai Baba to mess up my chances! But after a minute the sevadal told me to stand up as first line, I objected I had number 25, and she surprised me saying that morning they had lost number one, so line 25 was going in the darshan area, first. I felt so ashamed to have doubted!! That lesson on surrender was never to be forgotten!

During my third trip to India in1991 Sai Baba was in Whitefield. Darshans saw the devotees sitting under the branches of a huge tree and Sai would walk out of His Lotus-shaped house and walk towards us very leisurely, in a real slow motion. That tree has now been felled, but it was such an intimate, warm nest of love for all of us when bhajans were sung sitting at His Lotus Feet. That year I was called for my first interview. How I was called was quite extraordinary too. That year, during my stay in the Ashram, I was pondering over the meaning of surrender. I did not clearly understand what I had to surrender. Was it the feeling of being the body and the doer? And, if so, how to disidentify and how to be sure the Lord would really take care? Baba came to my rescue with a very sweet example. That morning I was sitting first in the ‘predarshan-lines’ and I was to draw the number of my line, when the sevadal offered the little bag where we had to draw the number from, I heard a strange new voice from the heart say: “Let it be My hand, not yours.” So, I

I reached for the first corner seat, in pole position, and when Swami came, He said: “Italy, go.” I reached the little room, which for me was Vaikuntha, the heavenly abode, in a state of wonder, awe and elation. When we all sat around Him, Sai stood up from His chair, came right in front of me and…smacked me on the cheek, ordering: “Don’t be sad.” Then stepped on my little toe and affirmed: “Make Me some room, I want to switch on the light,” and He pressed my little toe as if it were a lamp switch and there was the most incredible bluish-white light flashing first in my forehead and then in all the body. In the stillness He had plunged me in, no one else existed, but Him. I stared at Sai in attunement, ready for even another blow, as the love I felt was overwhelming. I received permission to take my first padnamaskar, well aware of the sacredness of the boon. At the very end, Sai turned pointing His finger towards me, and shaking it, as if I had done something very wrong, He gravely said: “I want to see you tomorrow!!” During the entire interview I couldn’t utter a single word, my mind was empty and so incredibly calm, I felt spaced out and, such a state, from then onwards, I would describe as being “on cloud 9”, a very special cloud where nothing exists any longer. Such events and even greater ones are what the majority of the thousands of people had and still have the grace to experience, when in His Presence. But what were we to learn from His message is a totally different story. It was an uplifting task that had no end. During this

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Years Go By

first apex-encounter Swami had given a short spiritual discourse on the mind that was to be treasured and pondered over many times, in the years to come:

Hospital? I was not a doctor, I was a fashion designer. I flew back to Italy and, in my mind, planned to come and stay only in a few years’ time, but as soon as I went back to my job, I was aghast to discover the company I was working for was getting ready for counterfeit bankruptcy and asked for my help to cheat all the suppliers. Appalled, the very next day, without even thinking about the consequences of being without a job, I resigned.

“The mind is a bundle of thoughts. Look at this peace of cloth: it is made of threads. If one by one you pull them out, no cloth remains. Similarly with the mind. No thoughts, no mind. The nature of the mind is restless, just like a rat whose nature is always to nibble at something and just like a snake whose nature is to be biting at something. The nature of the mind is to be occupied. Even when still, like the feathers of a peacock, there is a shimmering, an apparent movement in the mind. Like the aspen tree, even on a still morning, its leaves seem to tremble and move. It is the nature of the mind to dwell upon things. So, the proper method to deal with the mind is to make it dwell on the Lord, good thoughts, good deeds and the repetition of the Lord’s name. In this way the mind’s natural tendency to be occupied will be fulfilled and it will keep out of mischief. The mind is the mischief-maker; it jumps from doubt to doubt; it puts obstacles on the way; it weaves a net and gets entangled in it. It is ever discontented as it runs after a thousand things and away from another hundred. Take up the task of training it into an obedient servant; it can be educated if only you learn how to do it. By constant practice and training, it can be directed towards the Om and taught to merge with it.” These last words of my first interview have been the endless, leitmotif of my quest. The next day He did not call me again, but the years to come would see me many times in and out of that special room, till one day, He told me to stay as He wanted me to work in …something like a hospital. I asked Him if He meant right away and He simply opened His arms saying “Anytime. Come.”

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That night I went to bed praying Sai to enlighten me on what to do and where to find another job. Swami appeared in my dream and simply told me: “Now, come.” And we both danced a waltz in the sky. I was taken aback as in my limited view of dharmic behaviour I thought I had to find another job and be with the family for a few years more. Instead, I saw myself pack up again and go through the pain of trying to explain to the children what I was going through. Some understood, others didn’t. My heart was bleeding for their shock, but I kept my attention only on His advice. I tried to fix the family as best as I could, closed all what was in my name renouncing everything in favour of the children who were, by then, old enough to look after themselves except one and, after only two months from that interview, in early November 1993, I was back in India. As I arrived, I happened to read Baba’s thought for the day: “Without a sincere desire for liberation, listening, studying and contemplation are mere arts. Mastering an art does not lead to the highest goal. A weak desire for liberation is useless. A transient desire arising from hearing about the glory of reality is not desire. It is excitement, only a momentary curiosity. Such a momentary curiosity is not sufficient to inspire a person to make a sincere effort for attainment. To attain liberation one needs intense desire for liberation. Intense desire motivates an aspirant to whole-hearted practice. Such motivation and unlimited courage to 13

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“carry through” is called absorption in sadhana. Such desire is sparked when one realizes that everything else is trivial compared to liberation.” What was the practice I had to do? Was I to be alone facing this enormous task? Who could then guide me? A prayer surfaced from within: “Lord, give me a guide, a spiritual guide, to reach the goal. I do not even know where to start from.”

CHAPTER 3

“So Happy To See You”

The waltz began. “Remember: Nothing happens without My will.”

The day I first sat for Darshan, I had a surprise I could never have anticipated or desired in the wildest of dreams. I was feeling particularly grateful to be back home in Sai’s Mandir, to be able to stay and enjoy the bliss of being in His uplifting presence. It seemed to be the fulfillment of a very blessed lifetime. All the family worries had magically disappeared from my mind. All of a sudden, I saw Swami coming, His smile was like a thousand rays of sunshine, His hair a soft crown of vibrant Oms; He greeted me saying: “When did you come back? So happy to see you again!” My heart was beating fast and there seemed to be butterflies playing a great game, as it was rolling in huge waves of joy and love. Words could not find their way out, so atmic tears expressed my ultimate experience. The bomb of love I received in those instants was beyond anything I had ever experienced and it filled me up. How 14

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“So Happy To See You”

could the Lord be happy to see me? He had walked away, but then leisurely turned back, side glanced at me and uttered again that charming two letter word that in the Sai world is so dear: “Go”.

to ask for; I closed my eyes feeling so small, like a drop of water waiting to merge back in the security of the ocean. Then He opened His arms and I heard His voice affirm: “I love you,” with the most unimaginable sweetness. My heart melted. I closed my eyes and felt strings pulling my brain and my entire attention a little over my head, a golden space where only God existed and we were one. Such feelings cannot be explained in words, words come from thoughts and thoughts from the mind that cannot grasp the vastness of unconditional Love. The assurance of God’s love was like a balm for the soul. This was really an inconceivable welcome back. I walked out of that interview with very high fever, though when I had walked in, I was feeling perfectly well. Never in my life had I had such high fever and diarrhea! It knocked me out for over a week. I was boiling, quivering, fainting and so dramatically sick. During the delirium I had the most unbelievable, lucid hallucinations with pyramids, brahmins, priests, archbishops, Tibetan Lamas, caves, pujas, yajnas, countless swamis and, of course, Sai in all of them. When the pullout or, as the devotees call it, “the purification” ended, I was five kilos less and with no strength at all. But that was not all I had to go through.

How I reached up to the veranda of the Mandir, I do not know as my legs were simply like jelly. Sai ushered us all into the interview room, He Himself switched on the fan and then looked at us for a long time. What did He see? How I wished I could see with His own eyes! He bent His head backwards and with one hand made that familiar gesture of raising our energies. We all sat in great silence and spellbound; we could almost hear each other’s hearts beating. He seemed to be absorbed or somewhere else. On one of the walls there is a dramatically kitsch cuckoo clock that, each time I am in that room, catches my eye and makes me tenderly smile, even does the orange plastic market bag He uses to distribute vibhuti at the end of each interview. The little bird came out of the cuckoo clock and sang his “wake up” call to bring us back to earth. Swami materialized various objects and gave them to some of us. I had to translate for some Italians focusing my eyes in His, till they were literally brimming and burning with light. Then He knocked me off my heels asking: “What do you want, Sir?” I turned round to see if there was a gentleman sitting behind me, but there were no gentlemen. I was not ready; I hadn’t prepared any request as I was not expecting an interview, but knowing one should not waste the opportunities He offers, as they may not come again, I timidly whispered. “Your love, Your grace, Swami.” He pretended not to hear my words saying: “Eh?” mimicking that He may not hear me well. He made me repeat my request three times and, each time, I had to raise my voice showing determination. In the end His comment was: “Oh! Is this what you want?”

It was only the beginning.

For long moments I felt suspended in time. Sai turned round, reached His chair, sat down and intensely looked at me. I felt as if I were naked and feared I had asked for too much. I wondered whether I deserved what I had dared 16

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CHAPTER4

The Power of Look

The Power of Look

practical Sandra succeeded in surfacing, it was a tragedy. There was I, locked up in a room for three long months, not understanding where I was heading to. Was this the working in something like a hospital Swami had talked about? It was like traveling in a foreign country without a map, without knowing the language to ask for information and without even knowing where the road would eventually lead me. It was all quite baffling. I felt as liquid as water, as hot as fire or as thin as air. I saw that all was just an illusion of forms and roles, but couldn’t grasp what was left. Was this what they called ananda?

Soon after that “cleansing” I was sitting as usual waiting for Sai to arrive, it was afternoon as the sun was on the right side of the Mandir from where Swami would appear. The music started and He slowly walked gliding through the gate covering the sun with His body. Then, from His eyes, I saw two spirals of light come out and enter mine causing a blast inside my cranium and a flood of light flaring out from the top of the head. I had to walk back home eyes closed and feeling dizzy and then face three long months of a very peculiar unbalanced state. It was alarming, as I did not have a clue to what I was going through. I held a japamala in one hand and imagined to grab Swami’s hair with the other hand and went through what I could not avoid. I intuitively knew I was releasing all the energy blockages in the body and each time I relaxed a delicate sweet madness made me swing and rock in bliss for hours on end. Every time the grounded and

All the models and concepts I had known up to then, became unsuitable references. After one month of isolation, one day I felt quite grounded, so I went for darshan. I found myself in a first line and when Sai came He gave me one of His deep looks while asking once more: “Where are you from?” Staring into His huge deep eyes, I felt as if He were delicately pulling out one layer of skin, just as they do with rabbits before cooking them. I underwent the treatment hoping He would set me right back to normal. Then I heard that “Go” again. Once in the interview room He asked what I wanted and I had to repeat three times: “Constant integrated awareness” and He said: “I will help. How are you, Sir?” and as, when one is at His Feet, one cannot be but happy, I naively answered: “Very well, thank You”, but He shook His head saying: “You are not” and smacked me in the middle of the eyebrows where I felt a blast of light explode. I trusted He knew exactly what I needed and how much I could handle, but that really put me off for another two months. Even those two months soon came to a close and I discovered how sweeter the world was, as I was so peaceful and loving, but soon had to realize that I had an enemy, constantly and insidiously trying to pull me and split me from that lovely place of Oneness and the perception of the eternal present. I would hear the voice of my ego-mind trying to bring my attention to financial issues, fears, worries and false responsibilities. The old identity was there trying to regain its place and I still had attachment to some aspects of this false self. For many years, I would have to shift from one

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“Don’t try to understand, Relinquish the imperative to understand. Leelas are My sport, just be a witness.”

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

The Power of Look

identity to the other, as actors change their costumes backstage to take up a second role.

stressing with this diarrhea-lesson. They soon transformed their behavioural patterns into loving respect. A year later one of them was called in for an interview with me and, when she asked Him if she could stay in Puttaparthi too, Swami turned to me to ask if I agreed! That was His last loving touch to impress the lesson.

In two other interviews I had the opportunity to verify how the Teacher worked. During both I was translating into Italian and Sai was giving a short spiritual discourse. During the first one, at a certain point, Sai Baba repeated a teaching I intellectually knew by heart, but that for sure He wanted to impress deeply and indelibly. He was saying: “When you are chopping vegetables in the kitchen, are you the knife? No, you are the Master. Similarly the body is the instrument. You are not the body. As you are not the body, you are not the instrument. You are the Master. You are the ATMA” His pronunciation of the word ATMA was so different from what I had imagined it, that I had to tell Him three times I had not understood what we were. Three times I had to ask: “Eh? What are we Swami? I do not understand.” And He would repeat “You are the ATMA.” Looking intensely at me in a very mischievous way till, in the end, He even pretended to be angry and beat me on my hands just like a teacher does with a very bad student. It was so funny that we all laughed and even Swami was laughing. Months later, during the second interview, He repeated exactly the same teaching, watched me carefully while I speedily translated, giggled and winked at me. I must say that these flashing seconds of intimacy opened up my heart to Him as my sweetest and best friend.

At the end of March it gets hotter and hotter in South India so, in 1995 a friend and I decided to go up to the Himalayas. I needed some rest, a pause both from the teachings and the heat.

In another instance He showed, to the letter, what He meant by: “Respect your mother. How can you love God if you do not love and respect your mother?” My daughters had come to Puttaparthi and had obviously ‘fallen in love’ with Sai, but they were always discussing their mother as many western youngsters do. I would pray to Sai to put an end to it all, intervening on their hearts. The girls were longing to have an interview, but Sai really was very harsh on them: the only morning, after two months of their stay, both of them were ‘strangely’ forced to skip coming for darshan and remain at home, due to dramatic bouts of diarrhea. That very morning He called me again…and alone! The girls were so shocked that they saw their behaviour and very quickly learned what Swami was 20

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CHAPTER5

Himalayas

“Today, man is like a horseman riding two horses at the same time. He aspires for the Divine, but also yearns for worldly pleasures. He forgets that the Creator contains the creation. Forgetting this truth, he goes after the phenomenal world, regarding it as different from the Divine. He is foolish like the man who cries for ghee while having milk in his hand, not realizing that ghee is latent in the milk”

We flew to Delhi and then by train to Haridwar and went the last 14 miles by taxi to Rishikesh. We settled in Sai Baba’s Ashram at Lakshman Juhla bridge and the very same evening went to sit on the rocks overlooking Mother Ganga watching sadhus and a few pilgrims sing devotional songs to her, take a dip in her sacred waters and then sit silently and utterly still for hours and hours. The silence of the evening hours was broken by the sacred sound of a conch in the far distance that reverberated caressing the swift flow of the Ganga and, was absorbed in the cells of my memory bank as the holiest of sounds ever heard in this lifetime. Next day, we visited a holy spot called Neelakanta seven or eight miles east of Rishikesh. The way was through thick forests, dark green with the rich foliage of bilwa trees and rhododendrons. Herds of elephants still roam about these woods and the place resounds with the cries of wild peacocks and monkeys. There we saw a small, 22

Himalayas

secluded Ashram. Mesmerized, we inquired if one could stay a long period there, but the unusual answer we received: “If the mind is not disciplined you may profit little by a stay in this Ashram or in Rishikesh or Kailas,” honestly made us look at ourselves with concern and some sadness, but we saw the wisdom and the love with which it was given and the truth it was underlining, so we were particularly grateful for the surprisingly important lesson conveyed. It seemed that, out of Sai’s energy field, away from the highly charged atmosphere of His Presence, the mind crawled back to the old patterns as if the habits ingrained in the unconscious mind were still too powerful. I was still attached and deeply identified with these patterns, our deep-rooted vasanas, and as long as I regarded the world as real, they would recur and haunt my efforts to still the mind. I wished to learn how to detach from them, but I knew no technique. A few days after we arrived in Rishikesh, we met a group of Sai devotees at the Lakshman Jhula little restaurant and they were all going to visit the Shiva Caves in Patal Bhubaneshwar, four hours from Almora. They told us how a Sai devotee had discovered these caves guided by some specific Sai dreams and how these caves were described in the Skanda Purana as the abode of Shiva. I didn’t trust one word of the story, but my friend agreed to meet them there in five days. Meantime we decided to follow the course of the Holy Ganga and the Alakananda between tall rows of mountains. India has benefited of a Golden Age when the rishis, who had conquered their senses and lived upon roots and fruits, spent their time in the solitude of the forests steeped in meditation and, for countless centuries many saints followed their example and practiced tapas in these valleys. It is due to their tireless effort that India has become renowned all over the world, as the land of spiritual wisdom. I wondered if such Masters still existed today and the desire to meet them, learn from them and be in their holy presence and satsang became poignant and recurring in my heart. I wondered how these desires sprout as my friend who had shared the same traveling 23

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experience denied ever having had any other thought, but of some good spaghetti, a loaf of bread or a real Italian pizza. I giggled and out of my suitcase came a tiny electric stove, some Italian spaghetti and a little tin with basil and olive oil. That night we really appreciated the little comforts hidden away in our suitcases, as after all we were not sadhus. In those days while I was reading Sai Baba’s discourses of the Seventies I came across this passage and smiled about the knowledge Sai had of human nature and His delicate sense of humour that made me love Him even more! “Yesterday, while returning from Ooty, we halted at Bandipur Wild Life Sanctuary. Riding on a tame elephant, we moved into the forest to catch a glimpse of wild elephants. Imagine! Sitting on an elephant we were seeking elephants!! When we caught a glimpse of a trunk in a bush, we were overcome with delight. Sitting on a tame, domesticated elephant we were eagerly searching for an elephant in its natural surroundings, unaffected by artificial habits and skills. Man, too, is everywhere ignoring the God within himself, in its natural environment and trying to seek the shadows that attract him.” Sai Baba

CHAPTER6

The Jyotirling and Patal

A scientist asked: “Why pray to rocks?” and the sage answered: “God is everywhere so, why not honour Him in the rock?” Then the scientist said: “ But a rock has no attributes.” The reply of the sage was: “Then why do you honour an attributeless flag as a symbol of the country?”

On the way to Patal Bhuvaneshwar we stopped in Rameshwar, one of the most sacred places in the Himalayas, at the confluence of Ramganga and Saryu. It is said that, here, Rama installed a Lingam to perform a puja to Shiva and, from this holy spot, Rama left for Vaikuntha with His physical body. We bathed half dressed in the ice-cold waters and, while swimming, I noticed that under the water there were hundreds of skulls mixed with the stones and they were gently rolling with the strong currents. Dismayed I came out and the pujari of the little temple explained that sadhus still come here to abandon the abode of the body as the belief is that one reaches liberation if the body is shed in such a sacred place. When we told him we were heading to Patal he casually commented: “Visiting Patal caves grants the boons equal to visiting all of India’s sacred

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The Jyotirling and Patal

pilgrimage centers. After such a visit, there is no need for you to visit any other holy place.”

as the tiny Ashram was already full with the other friends we had met in Rishikesh.

We proceeded to Jageswar Temple where there are 108 lingams and one of the rare 12 jyotirlings existing in India. We were informed that the one here in Jageswar was the original matrix of the other 11 that were placed in the most important sacred pilgrimage centers. Trees were embracing the ancient temple located in a narrow valley at the foot of a mountain, totally isolated from the rest of the world. It was so secluded, so beautiful and breathtaking that we hardly felt like speaking and I mentally compared this silence to the ever-crowded temples I had visited in South India. We were allowed in the little temple of the jyotirling and to bow touching it with our foreheads, which had been previously smeared with kum kum and haldi. A pujari was worshipping the jyotirling with the ritual ingredients, while the vibrations spread by the sacred chanting of Vedic mantras filled the temple and our beings. The sacredness was tangible and moving. When we left, the typical sound of the temple bell, “Din-din, dondon, din-din, don-don,” echoed for hours on end in my ears and the sweet melody of how arathi is sung in that part of Uttar Pradesh and, in particular in Garhwal, is still humming in my heart.

To go up to the room, we had to climb up a bamboo ladder. The room had no commodities and smelled of cow dung. I opened the shutters of what seemed to be a door, hoping to find a toilet, and almost fell out, as that was only a window. The toilet was out in the fields. I had a flash of Sai giggling at us and I wondered how we could manage and what did we think to gain from such an experience in the recesses of the Himalayas. The name of the tiny Ashram was “Garuda Nilayam” (eagle nest) and, the name in itself, may give a picture of where we had arrived! A few shy children were hiding behind doors scrutinizing us and, when they found the courage to talk, they asked for Sai Baba pictures. I was amazed His name and fame had spread up to that remote village and, happily, gave the ones I had with me, so that in the evening they could sing bhajans and perform their little puja to Sai in a tiny recess of the kitchen wall.

After hours in a Jeep on very steep roads, meeting with risks at every bend, we reached Patal. The small village was hidden half way up the mountains with a wonderful view over the valley. We were very near the Nepal border and Nanda Devi, one of India’s highest peaks, was looking at us from a distance and half hidden by the clouds we could see Mount Kailash, the sacred mountain, covered with eternal ice and snow. The few houses were nestled amidst huge and dark fir trees; some of the villagers were just then returning with their cows from the fields, repeating, “Sita Ram, Sita Ram, Sita Ram,” and it was all so rarefied with deep mysticism that I thought we had stepped back into a different yuga. When they saw us they cheerfully came to help with the luggage and offered a room on top of the buffaloes’ stable, the only room available, 26

At five next morning the village temple bell rang and the mantras echoed in the entire valley. Waking up in such an atmosphere made each movement slow and sacred. So that we could wash we were shown to the common tap, a little far out from the village. Suddenly, all of the children ran inside their homes. We looked down the slope and saw a slim tiger fleeting through the bushes. I stood there with my toothbrush suspended in mid air, totally numb. After a hot chai we asked the pujari to take us down to the caves, explaining everything, as we were ready for the adventure. To descend, one had to slide down 30 meters holding on to the rocks, as if one was going back into the womb of mother earth, in a “rewind mode,” a very weird feeling and a very difficult task for untrained people like me. Half way down I wished I had never started the descent, but my way out was blocked by others following after me. At the same time I was laughing at myself, as on the way to the entrance of the cave, just a few minutes before, they had told me the story of a young man from Poland who did not yet know Sai. One day in desperation, he had decided to take 50 pills to end his life, but when he dozed off, he 27

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The Jyotirling and Patal

had a vision of Sai telling him: “No, no, no!! This time you will not die. I am here in your stomach eating the pills. Come to Me.” So, as if He could be in the stomach of a would-be devotee, I was sure He was also in that long, steep and narrow underground passage holding my feet, so that they would not slip.

extravagant shapes of the stalactites and stalagmites. More than recognizing, it was the golden light and the atmosphere that kept us all spellbound. But it was so cold and damp! Our feet glided over the wet mud and we had to hold on to one another to reach down to the very bottom of the cave where there was the Shivalingam. We all sat silently and, after some minutes of silent meditation near the Shivalingam, some of us shared with joy their visions. I had had none, but enjoyed the puja at the bottom of the cave. The Shivalingam had three heads representing Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Drops of water, from above continuously fell on the three stones as if performing a natural and eternal abhishekam to the Trinity. We all sang bhajans and silently climbed up again and then back into the warm sun. My skepticism was shattered that same night by a dream where Sai confirmed that Patal Bhvaneshwar really was extremely sacred and even made me remember some previous dreams where He had foretold me about the caves He would lead me to visit.

The local pujari family had been the guardians of the caves for over 800 years, daily performing pujas to the Shivalingam at the bottom of the cave. He informed us that in the Manaskhand of the Skanda Puran, Veda Vyasa describes in detail all the celestial beings that live in Patal Bhuvaneshwar and that, as Patal is mentioned in these Sacred Scriptures, Patal must have existed during Sathya Yuga. He told us that in this Sacred Scripture there is written that the caves were discovered by Rituparna, king of Ayodhya, and that, when he walked inside, he found himself amidst the nagas and their king Adishesha who gave him the divine sight to see the celestial beings that come here to adore Shiva. The description given by the Sacred text goes on saying that these caves were on seven levels, but that man could only visit the first one. On one level lived all the rishis; at another there was king Bali’s kingdom; and at a level there was the Savitri cave where not even the devas were allowed in as, in the center of this cave, there was the Maha Yoni with a central Maha ling. The Scripture also says that Sheshanag told King Rituparna that all that existed in the universe is created and maintained and then dissolved in this Maha Yoni and that was where the universe originated and where it will dissolve. Here, in these caves, Shiva lived with Bhuvaneshwari, Parvathi. It seems that Sheshanag also prophesized to King Rituparna that he would have been the only human being allowed to visit the caves. For thousands of years they would have remained closed and unknown till the day when a divine hand would guide a soldier to rediscover them. The person who had brought them back to light, only three years before, was a man enrolled in the army and a Baba devotee. The pujari explained all the details of the caves as Rituparna saw them and we were to recognize all the celestial beings in the 28

Most of us remained in Patal for some days meditating in the caves or enjoying the rhythms of that secluded village and the peace of a mysteriously enchanting atmosphere. In the group with us there was one of the doctors working in Sai Baba’s General Hospital, Doctor Budwar, an exquisite elderly gentleman and great devotee of Baba. When we all commented our experiences or lingering skepticism he added: “Before booking for the trip, we asked Swami’s permission and He agreed. If Baba has made us come here, there must be a reason. We are already so lucky to live at His feet, but this must be an extra gift we needed.” His wife was well over 70, she had also come down the steep passage to the cave with the help of two young strong men and she told me: “I feel most blessed. I do not need to understand.” I loved their trust and surrender. I took the opportunity to write a small book on Patal while I was there, so that it could be of information for the Italians coming to India, but I was told that our visit was one of the last ones as, after a few months, the caves were again closed to the general public. When the book was 29

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ready I waited for Swami to give me a clear sign whether to publish it or not. One evening, after bhajans were over, while going back to the Poornachandra, Swami startled me by literally taking the book from my hands and continued walking back to His residence holding it firmly in His hand. A few days later, while I was enjoying being once again in the sacred cozy nest of the Mandir, Baba came and materialized some vibhuti for me. As I thought He materialized it when someone was sick, to understand if there were other reasons, I searched for the meaning of vibhuti materialization and read Baba’s explanation with a little apprehension.

CHAPTER7

This Marriage Must Work

“It is God’s plan that is being worked out through man, but man prides himself that it is he who is working for it.”

Meantime, I thought I had met what seemed to be the right companion for a life aimed at proceeding on the spiritual path. Swami had even called the two of us alone for a personal interview, and had blessed the marriage. Then and there it had appeared as a great boon, but it obviously resulted in another lesson. In the months that followed I would often recall how, in the second room, where He granted private interviews, He had embraced us, saying He was so happy to see us and pointed out to me: “This marriage must work!” Unfortunately I took Swami’s words to the letter and tried to play the role of the wife as best as I could, even when all hopes had already crumbled, and never thought, not even for a minute, they could have had any other meaning. When, after a few months, I realized how very fragile and unbalanced my husband’s mind really was, it was 30

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too late. He thought he was a realized Master. His presumption grew day by day and, when I ended in not even listening to him, he would hide in his dream world for most of the day, where he could reign as the supreme guru number two. Soon, we were sharing a battlefield and not a house. I was so aghast at my lack of discrimination in the choice of a husband that I did not have the courage to look at the mess I had attracted into my life, but at the same time Swami’s words “This marriage must work,” kept on ringing in my ears and I could not even dream of getting rid of such a madcap. “How will you know when I am near you? When on a sultry night everything is hot and still the first cool breeze brushes your cheeks I am caressing you THINK OF ME When the pangs of hunger are satisfied and loneliness is pierced by happiness THINK OF ME······ When your mouth is parched and you can hardly speak, the first sip of cool water I am soothing you THINK OF ME When the cloud of death disappears first on the opening of a baby’s smiling eyes THINK OF ME When I sprinkle your face with rain and wash the earth and the dry brown leaves the first smell of clean rain I am cleansing you THINK OF ME When pain dissolves and fear disappears THINK OF ME

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When steadfast eyes are horrified the first glance of the silent setting sun I am comforting you THINK OF ME Then you ask “How will I know when you are near Me?” When the burning sun has scorched you and the earth the sand and dust fill your eyes not a sliver of shade about AND YOU LOVE ME. When loneliness is accompanied by hunger and not one can be satisfied and YOU LOVE ME. When your lips are cracked, your tongue feels like clay, your throat seals up, there is no water about not even a mirage in sight AND YOU LOVE ME. When you hold a dying child with eyes pleading AND YOU LOVE ME. When I stir an ocean to a crescent you flounder in its depths like a leaf AND YOU LOVE ME. When I take from you your most cherished possession on the first loss of your sight darkness envelops you AND YOU LOVE ME. For everything you see, hear, smell, taste or touch belongs to Me. So, how can you give to Me what I already Am, but your love? And THAT I gave to you before time began, as your sole possession. When you return it to Me,

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This Marriage Must Work

then I will know you are truly mine and I will dissolve your sorrow and happiness into Me That…being Me, I will place you in bliss forever. For I love you and think of you constantly.

way that my forehead was touching His knees. It fortunately took Him a very long time to fasten the tiny clip, so I remained still, in bliss, with Baba’s arms embracing me, while His fingers fastened the clip. When He had fastened the japamala around my neck, my mind was blank, but later, I wondered whether He was actually fastening a collar to keep me in check…. but in that moment nothing mattered, as I was once again on “Cloud 9.”

From your most loving Father I prayed and wrote letters to Swami asking His consent to separate, but He was ignoring me completely. So, this situation went on for some time till, one day, I found the courage to say it was over and, with absolutely no permission, send him back to his family who, only then, finally confessed he had already been in various mental clinics before we had met. Two days after having packed him back to Italy on a plane, Swami called me for an interview. I trembled in panic. As soon as He came in the interview room He asked me “Where is your husband?” I thought He was going to shout at me, so I answered in a very low voice that I had sent him away. To my utter astonishment Swami said: “Very good. Now what do you want?” In that very moment I realized that, when I came to live in Puttaparthi, there still lingered, at the back of my mind, the unspoken thought that it would be so much easier to proceed on the spiritual path together with a spiritual companion! Suddenly, I saw the reason why I had to go through all that mess!! The great Sad Guru had had to burn even that hidden desire matching me up with the most difficult partner existing on the planet! I bowed at His feet, took padnamaskar with humble gratitude. Swami repeated His question: “What is it you want now, Sir?” And, while I said totally certain: “Only You,” our eyes met and twinkled. In a second we were both giggling: we both knew the battle with such common human expectations and desires was over. He had won once again. He was so happy that He materialized a most beautiful gold japamala saying: “Gold Japa for you, very happy.” He Himself put it around my neck and even wanted to secure the clip. I was kneeling in front of Him, so He made me bend my head in such a 34

Understanding that Sai Baba has to cleanse even the most inner recesses and intricacies of our mind, pulling out all the stuff we have stacked in there, in this lifetime and in many others, in order to burn it, makes us accept whatever He knowingly makes us go through, even if it causes the deepest suffering, as He has to set us free from all our desires. Maybe, when we will arrive at the end of this precious lifetime with Him amidst us all, as the Charioteer, we will fully realize and appreciate His accomplishments. My own theory is that each of the seekers He has called to His Feet, in His hospital, is a prototype and, by working on each one, He transforms the world. I am ashamed to confess that while I was going through all this, I would sometimes look at His picture grinning and, for a year, did not even want to see Him any longer. Only, now, after so many years, I can sincerely say: “Thank you Swami, the marriage has worked.”

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CHAPTER 8

Can One Ever Abandon Him?

“Find the real chamber of your being and enjoy the world like a king, not like a beggar. The helplessness in you, which has made you a beggar, disappears and you find an unshakable shelter in your own Self.”

Can One Ever Abandon Him?

and felt regenerated by the silence and nature at its peak of beauty. As such an enchanting place was only an hour’s flight from Bangalore, after having pondered over this change of life for some days, I felt prompted to come and live in Kerala, as it would allow me the possibility to enjoy seclusion and, at the same time, to go and see Sai Baba whenever I wished. I eventually went back to Parthi to pack up my belongings and send them by truck to Kerala. Friends kept on telling me I had to ask Sai’s permission to leave, but as this seemed to me illogical, compared to His teaching to be Self-reliant, we ended up having interminable discussions on the topic. Why should one ask permission if from the heart the Self had prompted the decision? Why always ask the concretized form of our same Inner Self for whatever decision one had to make or a blessing for the ones one had already taken? Who was I, after all? Wasn’t the teaching of going within before taking a decision sufficient? Nobody seemed to agree with me.

As soon as the little drama was over, I felt the need of a rest from the pressure and decided to take a holiday and went to Varkala in Kerala for a break. Wherever you turned it was so lushly green, compared to the dry desert of Andhra Pradesh, so beautiful to rest one’s eyes filling them with the dew of the most exuberant tropical nature. When I arrived on the cliff it was sunset and eagles were playing, chasing each other right over my head, the palm leaves fluttering joyfully in the sea breeze as if welcoming me. I gazed at the immense Indian Ocean and felt such an expansion, such freedom and peace! Some dolphins were playing, diving in and out of the soft waves accompanying the fishermen who, in simple huge tree trunks hollowed out to contain a maximum of two people, were going out to sea for the night’s catch. I turned round and there was a fisherman’s small hut, which looked abandoned. In a day or two I had rented it. I remained there for a few weeks

The day before definitely moving to Kerala, though I believe myself to be almost transparent, Sai found the way to call me again for another interview. When in front of Him, I felt very Self-reliant and simply informed Him I was on my way to Kerala. First there was silence…then I saw what one could describe as a stern “Shiva look” on the point of destroying the whole earth and said in a mindblowing fierce tone: “Bad girl, why Kerala if I am here? Bad girl, bad girl!” I dared answer back: “Swami, I do not understand. You are not only here, You are everywhere!” But His eyes became like fire and reduced me to ashes with what looked like an angry: “Shut up!” I felt as if inside glass was breaking in my chest. It was an inner earthquake and I felt annihilated, but remained cool, calm and collected in a corner of the room hoping the nightmare would soon end. When at the end of the interview, He was handing everybody the precious packets of vibhuti, I lifted my hand up, but to my utter dismay, I saw Him briskly withdraw from me saying: “ No. Not to you, bad girl!” I walked out crushed.

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I went on reviewing the scene in total distress, but an inner part of me knew He was only pretending to be furious and that it was a test. I had been dwelling on the issue if we had to always ask the form and here I was facing if I were to follow what my heart had prompted me or give up the Kerala plan and stay in Puttaparthi, as the words of the form, I so much loved and trusted, seemed to suggest. It was very difficult to make a decision, but eventually I followed the promptings from the heart and left. Interestingly, all the people present at that scolding in the interview had understood Swami had said “beggar” and not “bad girl” and that really made sense, if linked to the issue of asking the form. Still, it was a major step in my growing process. The baby had to become an adult. The weaning process from the attachment to the form, I was so devoted to had started. From outside, He was kicking me inside, and from inside, He was pulling me with unrelenting strength. But it hurt.

I didn’t understand the message right away, as I still felt a great pain inside. Deep within me I knew I had taken to the correct path of expansion, but it hurt. So, I thought Sai was like a lover who, in the beginning, smiled, was sweet and understanding, till He had you safely surrendered at His feet, but then with time, betrayed you dispassionately with great lessons to verify if you had grasped the teachings and, when He saw you in distress, came with presents to make peace. But I was still too upset to make peace with Him.

When I arrived in Varkala and they unloaded from the truck a huge Sai picture, I picked it up saying: “You have hurt me too much, for the moment, I do not want You in my house!” I left the picture outside under the monsoon heavy rain. The only Sai devotee I had met in Kerala, during the previous weeks, lived 200 kilometers away, in Alleppey. Guess who was at my doorstep next morning? Yes, that very devotee was there, standing under the rain, with a huge parcel under his arm. When he said he had a present for me, I instantly knew what it was, still I unwrapped it to verify and, there, was the sweetest picture of Sai in a white robe blessing with both His hands up. Pretending to be bewildered, I asked why he had come from that far to bring Swami’s picture and he told me: “You should know better than me. Last night Baba came in my dream and told me ‘Go to that Italian lady in Varkala and bring her a new picture of mine’.” I saw the devotee glance at the crumbling, soaking wet old picture of Sai lying in a corner of the garden and then he stared at me in silence. I felt so awful that I could have dug a deep hole under my feet where to go and hide! 38

During that year I visited many Ashrams and had the opportunity to meet many Teachers. I went to see Amma, She embraced and cuddled me, even asked me to sit at Her feet while Her darshan continued, but I knew She was not my teacher, so I left it at a simple visit, to a hug and all my respect for the beautiful, compassionate mission She was so selflessly carrying on in the world. I felt the same feeling of respect for Aurobindo and the Mother when I sat near their Samadhi, but knew they were not meant to be my teachers, though sitting in the Matrimandir for a short meditation had left me numb and I admired how the Auroville community had been organized. I had the opportunity to meet Ramesh Balsekar, but I knew he was not meant to be my teacher. I had met some other Swamis, but none had the spiritual spark that could attract me. With none I felt peace and inner joy. I had met Dzogchen Rinpoche in a monastery near Mysore, but felt not inclined to stay on, though the atmosphere was so elevating and the teaching so interesting. The Ashram where I really felt comfortable was Ramana Maharshi’s in Tiruvannamalai, at the foot of Arunachala, the sacred Shiva Mountain. His teachings went straight to the core of my being. I would sit for hours on end around the big open well or walk up half way to Virupaksha cave dwelling on their meaning. Some I could not grasp or retain completely, but the ones I needed to absorb in that very moment stood out in golden letters: “You are awareness. Since you are awareness there is no need to attain or cultivate it. All that you have to do is 39

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to give up being aware of other things that are not the Self. If one gives up being aware of them, then pure awareness alone remains and that is the Self.”

me, or the teaching had seemed too easy for the conceptualizing mind that I had not practiced it. Actually, the simpler the teachings, the more difficult they are to follow and stick to. So, this was the practice I picked up from that day onwards, thanks to that gentle reminder at the foot of Arunachala.

It was so soothing to sit for hours in the room where He used to teach absorbed in silence. All over the Ashram one could still feel the Presence of one of the most glorious Jnani the world had come to know of. There I deeply understood that nothing, nothing really mattered and that we already were what we were looking for. If you surrendered the notion of I and mine, all that remained was the Reality. I loved the satsang I attended one afternoon and recorded in order to imbibe it: “All responsibilities are being carried by the omnipotent power of a Supreme God. So, why should we always be planning: “We should do this or that.” Knowing that the train carries the entire load, why should we, while traveling on a train, suffer by carrying our small bundles on our heads, instead of leaving it on the train in order to be happy and carefree? There are two ways of achieving surrender. One, is looking into the source of the ‘I’ and merging into that source. The other, is feeling ‘I am helpless myself, God alone is all powerful and, except by throwing myself completely on Him, there is no other means of safety for me’ and thus gradually developing the conviction that God alone exists and the ego does not count. Both methods lead to the Supreme Goal. What is bhakti? To think of God. That means one thought prevails to the exclusion of all other thoughts. Bhakti is the mother of Jnana.” This satsang immediately brought back to my memory an interview I had had in 1992 where I had asked Swami: “What about my son and his gambling?” Sai had looked up in the air as if seeing the scene of the horse races and then stated: “You do your duty. Your duty is to only think about God, think that you are God and you will become God. Leave all the rest to Me.” I had surrendered all my worries, but only after this satsang, did I really grasp that He had graced me with the direct personal spiritual teaching most appropriate for my frame of mind. Maybe I was so complicated and confused when He had advised 40

I understood that conceptualizing did not help to absorb and experience the spiritual truths, that there would be a day that bhakti would open up the road to the Supreme Knowing in the heart, as only the heart could lead me to perceive the Love I truly was. My sadhana was to relinquish the attachment to any other thought different from God. Furthermore I surrendered all my efforts in the hands of the Supreme Power. I had learned there would be a moment when effort and grace would meet and all would be revealed in the heart. All I could do was to be open, keeping my pots turned upwards, towards that Loving Power, in order to be ready to receive the grace. I am still grateful to a very old Ashramite who, when he saw me, ‘automatically’, stack up a pile of books on the counter of the book store, came to my rescue and, as he was observing silence, simply opened a book and, with his finger, pointed to the following teaching of Ramana Maharshi: “As far as reading so many books on Vedanta, you may go on reading any number of them. They can only tell you ‘Realize the Self in you’. The Self cannot be found in books. You have to find it out for yourself, in yourself.” Out of the stack of the 12 books I had already chosen and intended to buy, he picked out one and made me clearly understand that it was sufficient to buy only that one. The book was Who am I. That an Ashramite in charge of selling books in an Ashram would advice to leave 11 books and buy only one was anyhow so extraordinary and so stirring. I left Tiruvannamalai to return to the silence of the cliff overlooking the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean where in silence I could enjoy the now. Love and the present was all there was. After a few months in Varkala, the well 41

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of the hut collapsed leaving me without water, thieves broke in and stole almost everything, the neighbours blocked all the roads to my house and obstacles seemed to multiply every day. So, believing these were the ways of the Avatar to call me back to Puttaparthi, I packed up again and, with two female puppies I had saved from sure death, went back to Prasanthi Nilayam, the abode of peace.

Puttaparthi was changing. It was becoming crowded and very noisy if one had to live outside the Ashram. So, due to the two dogs I now had as faithful companions, I started searching for some land. One day some friends took me to see a coconut grove, behind the Super Specialty Hospital that made me feel as if I were in Kerala, but at the same time, physically near Sai Baba’s Ashram. Next morning, when I went to survey the land, I got in the car and, when I was on the point of driving past the Gopuram gate of the Ashram, saw Swami coming out in His car right in front of me. I followed Him from Prashanthi Nilayam up to the Big Hospital. What a thrill to drive following the Lord’s car! Then I saw Him turn round and go back as if He only intended to accompany me there. I believed it was a coincidence, but next day same thing happened again, Swami’s car was in front of mine as I drove to sign a preagreement. In nine days all was settled and in five months the house was ready. The coconut grove was a great gift, it was so secluded and peace and silence were all that existed there, but it also had in store a great teaching.

After that year of absence, the quality of the experience at darshans was completely different. I was peacefully detached and absorbed in love. One day I was again asked to be part of a group and translate. We were eventually called for an interview, exactly a year later from the last dramatic one, where Sai had been shouting at me. I walked up again the three steps to the veranda of the Mandir. My heart was beating fast when I saw Sai coming near us; He looked so aloof and vibrant at the same time. In that very instant I wished there could be another God to pray to for mercy and to make Him be soft with this child of His. Could there be another One? He pointed a finger at me and said: “Translate.” Then He started a spiritual discourse saying: “Why do you come here if I am everywhere? I permeate the universe with a thousand eyes.” I stared at Him in utter amazement, then I couldn’t help giggling; He knowingly giggled in recognition and then proceeded. I translated, but I do not remember anything of what He said that morning. I was so happy. At the very end of the interview, I even took the courage to clear all doubts and, kneeling at His feet, asked what had been troubling me for exactly a year: “Swami, am I still a bad girl?” At this point the farce unfolded: “You bad? Why?” and I said: “You told me I was bad.” And Sai acted as if He were baffled and said: “Me? Why? When?” I couldn’t believe it… One entire year of tears …I then specified: “Last year, Swami.” and heard Him say: “Oh, last year! No, no you are such a good girl.” I felt so relieved He had made clear what I had understood was correct and not another ego trip. As each one of His words has a sense, that year saw me translating six Sai Baba books, enjoying every moment of it. Translating His books kept me glued only on thoughts of God. 42

I had always had two great fears: one of snakes and one of scorpions. The first year I counted 55 cobras and 25 jumping snakes in the garden and 3 in the house! Not only did I have to look carefully where I was walking, but they were also jumping down from the coconut trees and I suspiciously had to look both up and down! Man can get used to anything, so as soon I did not fear the snakes any longer, they all disappeared, but huge big black lobstersize-scorpions started to materialize from nowhere. One evening, I was taking a shower and I saw one of these lobstersize-scorpions appear at rocket speed, its tail up, ready to attack any intruder. There wasn’t much I could do. Not being dressed, I couldn’t call for help. So I started to talk to the Love that linked us both and, astonishingly, saw the little creature bend its head, as if listening to something it liked, lower its tail, do something like a funny bow, and disappear. Now I have no fears and the garden is safe. I had to follow each step of the construction, facing so much stress. Eventually, I had to go through nondiagnosed malaria and typhoid for three months. I was so 43

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weak that I honestly had no body consciousness. Was I sick or was that the perfect state I should have reached? My head was totally empty and, when that dizziness made it impossible for me to safely stand on my feet, I would lie down and, when I closed my eyes, I would be sucked by a vortex similar to a powerful exhaust fan and, all of a sudden, I would find myself in Swami’s lap, slipping into a totally different dimension. When I would wake in the mornings I would see Him physically here in my house to give me either a darshan or brief powerful teachings. So, when people comment that malaria and typhoid must have been a terrible experience, I always affirm it was the best period of my life.

CHAPTER9

The Dark Night of the Soul

“To love you all is My duty. It is your right to ask and it is Bhagavan’s responsibility to answer. When right and responsibility get together, bliss results.”

Two years went by and, notwithstanding all the grace, the sacred atmosphere, the enlightening teachings I had absorbed, still I was not satisfied with the depth of my inner introverted stage. Time went by and my dark tunnel seemed to be never ending. All are open books for Sai and, when He totally ignores us, there is something we still haven’t grasped or attained that He thus pushes us to analyze. But even if we may know some of His ways to help us grow, day after day becomes a very weary experience when you realize you are stuck in the growth process. I was happy to be physically ignored, but had no idea how to speed up whatever He wanted me to speed up. I knew it had to do with inner view rather than interview. I knew my mind was still a catalogue of thoughts and spiritual concepts. These still created a kind of hell that would follow me wherever I went, as the mind followed me everywhere. By mere mental habit, the mind was 44

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creating a huge barrier to perceive my essential nature and the ego was powerfully surviving out of inner insecurity. I seemed to have relaxed from the first excitement into stagnation. I had even got accustomed to the rhythms of going to darshans and didn’t capture the sacredness any longer. It was very similar to a horrible numbness. I was waiting for His grace to flow again and pined for it, as I knew He would never let my hand go.

police informed me that my request for the renewal of visa had not been accepted from Delhi and they gave me two weeks to go out of the country. The unexpected kick made me clearly see that I would have been quite desperate to have to go back to the old world. I rushed to darshan in such a state of confusion that Swami passed by totally unconcerned and stared, with His all-encompassing look, just a few centimeters above my head, ignoring me completely. Three days before I had to leave He passed in front of me at darshan as if He was gliding on roller-skates and, without giving me time to say a word, said: “When are you leaving?” And He disappeared. I was appalled. I tried to convince myself He was only mirroring back my thoughts, but the subtle fear it might have been an order, gave me a push to go and consult the palm leaf reader of the Shuka Nadi Foundation in Bangalore to know if that obstacle of the visa had been sent to convince me I should be going back to Italy for good. This was such a big step; I excused myself for checking Saint Shuka’s palm leaves. The answer was that I would live and eventually die in India and, if I were to go back to Italy, it would only be for a few weeks for family duties. As far as the visa, he told me that, due to the many past lives as a Buddhist, I could get a long-term visa only from a Buddhist country. I discussed the dark moments I was going through under the spiritual point of view and he assured: “This is the moment in your life when you will learn Kriya Yoga and this will lead you, in due time, to the goals you have always been seeking.” I told him I knew no Kriya Yoga Master and that I had never heard anyone in Puttaparthi who could give the information where to go to have Kriya Yoga initiation here in India. He answered: “They will come and look for you.” I smiled, not believing this could be possible, but left happy for the hint on where to go for the visa.

Human beings have a tendency to blame others for their difficulties; first of all they blame nature and finally God. We do not want to take the responsibility that we have created the suffering ourselves by not utilizing the eternal wisdom. Even here in Puttaparthi I had used so much time and energy merely for my physical well-being and, even if I had reshaped all my life a hundred times, there I was, simply stuck. I had learnt that the answer was not in the objects of the world, they were only means that one could use to attain the final goal of life, and so I had worked on dispassion, yet I had not found how to detach from thoughts. Though constant integrated awareness was my goal, the discipline, the practice and the steps to it were still uncertain and obscure. After so many years, I now felt inadequate and an intruder both in the materially oriented western world and in the spiritual realm, as I had not dived deep enough into the inner silence where all would be revealed. I fully realized I could not make it on my own, out of my incomplete efforts. This pain and longing was bringing in a great understanding, but the solutions seemed out of hand, so I still drifted in-between these two diametrically different worlds, with no specific qualifications. There was only one path that could lead me to the summit, but I had no map. Towards the end of December 1999 I almost got so discouraged that I pondered over going back to my country and to the grandmother role, giving up any further pursuits. The children by then had all got married and had babies to raise. I painfully went as far as thinking the stage I had reached was the maximum I could attain in this lifetime and that was it. But with Sai one really has to keep one’s thoughts in check!! At that very moment the 46

At the travel agency I checked for the nearest Bhuddhist country and blindly chose Singapore. When I came back with a five years visa, I bought again Yogananda’s Autobiography of a Yogi that I had already read and enjoyed so much, as soon as I had come back from my second trip to Sai in 1990, to see if I could come across what Kriya Yoga actually was. I only found a chapter that gave me 47

AWAKENING This Marriage TO CONSCIOUSNESS Must Work

The Dark Night of the Soul

some very interesting hints, but no clues on the actual technique, as it was a secret one. I noted in my mind again it was Babaji that, in 1861, had renewed the teaching to Lahiri Mahasaya and it had been handed down to Paramahamsa Yogananda through his Guru, Swami Sriyukteshwar, and from those few pages realized that Kriya Yoga was far from being a simple gymnastic but actually meant the union of body and Soul, it meant realizing the Truth behind the union of the individual self with the Supreme Self. I was relieved to understand that Kriya Yoga, based on the science of breath, was a powerful system of meditation, which enhanced one’s religious and spiritual practice whatever the creed and, furthermore, it was not limited to monks but open to one and all. To my understanding spirituality meant working with the inner reality, and to verify this inner truth one had to work in the laboratory of the inner realm. The mind was the lab and now I needed to find the tools or, in other words, the exact practice of meditation to achieve victory over the mind. The still unanswered question was where I could go to obtain the correct information and if there was a Master I could fully trust. I left it in Sai’s hands and left the thought about Kriya Yoga aside.

faded, I simply agreed and thanked her. While she was on the phone asking Paramahamsa Prajnanananda if she could bring me with her to Orissa and if He agreed to initiate me, I silently tuned in waiting for the verdict. When I heard the answer was: “Yes”, I thanked Sai with all my heart.

After only one month from the reading, in early February 2000, Judy, an American friend of my neighbour Pat, came to pay her a visit and as I was having a very painful twisted neck Pat asked her to come and see if she could help me. While she was giving me Reiki in my bedroom, she noticed Yogananda’s book on the bedside table and I heard her say: “In three days time I am going to Puri where, for only a few weeks, there will be Paramahamsa Prajnanananda who could initiate you into Kriya, do you want to come with me?” These words floated in the air for some time and it took me minutes to become conscious about what she had just said. I couldn’t believe it. She briefly explained that Paramahamsa Hariharananda was a rare enlightened Master who belonged to the same lineage of Gurus as Yoganandaji and how she respected and highly considered also all the other monks of the Giri order that were His disciples. As soon as the astonishment 48

In three days time we were both flying to Bhubaneshwar, as one of the Ashrams was in Jagatpur near Cuttack and the other one in Balighai near Puri. On the airplane Judy handed me a photocopy of an article where I read: One must receive initiation into the authentic and original Kriya Yoga directly from the realized Guru and supreme living Kriya Master, Paramahamsa Hariharananda, or one of his authorized Yogacharyas. There are no correspondence courses or lessons available through Kriya Yoga Institute. The Tradition of Kriya Yoga Purification and Blessing Ceremony The ancient tradition for learning the royal science of Kriya Yoga meditation begins with purification. This entails participation in a holy ceremony in which the spine and the body are purified. Each seeker is initiated on an individual basis through the direct touch of a teacher of this lineage. The teacher directly infuses the triple divine qualities of sound, vibration, and light into the initiate. Through this process, the seeker will learn to perceive the inner light of the soul, hear divine sound, and feel the divine movement sensation all over the body. Sacred mantras are chanted throughout the ceremony with adequate explanations in English. In the beginning of the ceremony, basic techniques of calmness are taught thereby preparing the seeker for the infusion of divine energy. Initiation into the Holy Stream of Divine Consciousness is attained by overcoming the internal chatter of the mind. This enables calming the thought processes and merging into the Divine in the form of Sound, Vibration, and Light. The instruction ceremony consists of the following phases: 49

1. Purification of body, spine, and senses 2. Infusion of triple divine qualities 3. Blessings-flower 4. Oblations of breath to the fire 5. Affirmation 6. Offerings to God and Masters 7. Sprinkling of the holy water-of-peace The first phase of the ceremony purifies the body of the seeker. Further purification ensues from the breath oblations in the fire ceremony. This fire ceremony is outwardly symbolic, but causes cleansing to occur at more subtle, deeper levels. The depth of purification of the seeker depends upon the desire and receptivity of the seeker. At the completion of the ceremony, instruction on the 1st-Kriya level of techniques is given so that the aspirants can continue the process of purification and meditate on their own. Several different techniques of Kriya Yoga are revealed by the instructor. This entire ceremony, including the infusion of triple divine qualities, is performed by an authorized teacher or a monk of this lineage. The seeker offers three symbolic gifts to the instructor as offerings to God and the Masters. The three offerings are: five fruits representing the fruits gained from activities throughout life; five flowers which represent the five senses; and a financial donation representing the causal, astral, and gross body, respectively. The seeker will also be asked not to divulge the technique to others in order to maintain and uphold the purity of the teachings. I folded the article, looked out over the clouds that were completely covering our view and separating us from the earth. They seemed so soft and dense at the same time. Some looked like sheep and some others like the Gods and Goddesses I had read about in the Bhagavatam. Light gusts of wind would make them unroll and reshape themselves into totally different forms till the clouds appeared to me as if they were reflecting the mystifying play of maya, mirroring back to me the unending transformations I was going through under the loving care of Baba.

Part II

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

C H A P T E R 10

The Boon

“The Guru is a light to show one the road, but the destination is God. One is grateful to the Guru, but it is God that one worships.”

All had happened so quickly that my mind had had no time to create any expectations. I was incredibly calm and silent and took all what was happening as just a most natural, consequential and loving boon from Sai. I had gone through the long dark period and this was a new beginning. I knew there could only be light after all that darkness. After an hour’s drive from the airport I simply found myself in front of the Ashram with flowers and fruits in my hands. A Swami came out to greet us and Judy whispered: “Paramahamsa Prajnanananda.” Not tall, long hair, long black beard, simply dressed in a particular peach-orange colour. What struck me at first were His twinkling dark huge eyes, the vibrant intensity of His look and the most enticing and sweet smile. Then I heard Him say: “I knew you were coming, but now that I see you, now I recognize you.” With an unexpected intense flow of love and heartfelt respect, I spontaneously and humbly bowed. 52

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In 12 years in India, I had never bowed to anybody else but Sai.

thanked that Supreme Energy for all the boons I was constantly receiving. I studied carefully Hariharanandaji’s picture and strangely saw Him as a Chinese sage. A bulb was reflecting its light exactly in the middle of the photograph and it appeared as if His heart was radiating a suffused halo of pink light, a ray of love.

In the Ashram there was a joyful atmosphere. People seemed to be very spontaneous and, as I did not know any of the rules there, I clung to Judy. People were coming in and out of a huge room where Paramahamsaji was sitting on a simple mat amidst suitcases and boxes full of books. I sat on the floor watching it all and admired His swift capacity for dealing with many disciples while at the same time, He was scrutinizing some new book that was to be published, photographs to be reprinted, answered the phone and looked with a sense of humour or with loving concern into the devotees’ problems. He was always joyful and, notwithstanding the hectic routine, He radiated so much peace. I sat quietly watching; open to receive His gift of love, peace and tranquility. The only thing He asked me was: “Why do you want to learn Kriya Yoga?” I answered briefly describing the dissatisfaction of many years of not having a clue how to reach constant integrated awareness. That seemed to be sufficient and He said that in two days time we would go to Balighai and that on the 12th of February He would initiate me. We pleasantly talked about Sai Baba and, with a very gentle smile, He shared with me how two pictures of Sai had attracted him when He had been only eight years old, how He had rushed home to get the money to buy both of them and had them instantly framed. He also added that, while He was still a brahmachari, He had been to Puttaparthi twice. That same evening at seven there was a guided meditation. In the meditation hall I stared at all the pictures of the Kriya Yoga Masters: Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya. Swami Sriyukteswar, Sri Sanyal Mahasaya, Paramahamsa Yogananda, Swami Sathyananda and in the middle of them all, a huge picture of Paramahamsa Hariharananda who, I was told, was now 93 and still spent hours teaching the technique in His Miami Ashram. What does one feel when suddenly one has to face the forms of so many new enlightened Masters? The only thing I did, was to close my eyes knowing all were “One” without giving importance to the different forms, therefore I 54

That evening Prajnananandaji was going to guide the meditation. I was allowed to try and follow even if I was not yet initiated. In the beginning I had to look at what the others were doing, then slowly discovered I could follow even with my eyes closed. When we were told to silently meditate concentrating at the top of the head, at the words: “Love your breath, breath is God.” I was amazed how deep I went and how, at a certain point, I could clearly see Sai at the top of my head. He was standing there, like a sentinel, at the side of a huge well, looking down this well and breathing in and out. The breath was coming up and down this deep well and it gave me an experience of infinite peace. How sweet was the Lord to give me immediate assurance of His all-knowing Presence! When the experience faded I was blissfully smiling. I opened my eyes and looked at Prajnananandaji who was sitting on the dais. He glanced back and an incredibly bright smile lit his beautiful face, as if He knew what had happened. Words would not do justice if I tried to describe the intensity of the feeling when, out of the blue, you realize there is a deep subtle link of pure unconditional love and understanding between the teacher and the seeker He has accepted to initiate. After reciting the food prayer, which was the same one we also recited in Puttaparthi, just a few verses longer, we all had dinner on leaf plates squatting on the floor and, for the first time in12 years here in India, I ate with my hands making a great mess. Young boys were rapidly serving food from huge buckets and the flavour was exceptionally good as there were no chilies and very few spices. Everyone was so cheerful, the atmosphere was so relaxed, but each time Prajnananandaji swiftly appeared, you became aware of an invisible shift of energy, from simply cheerful we all became radiant. When we all had 55

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finished, also Prajnananandaji sat down together with all the other monks and had His meal. That night, after many years, Baba came in my dream and with concern asked if I liked the enlightened Master He had brought me to and also added that from that moment onwards I would be meeting more than one.

by ceaselessly travelling around the world. The power of His teachings lies in their simplicity and direct relevance to our daily lives. His clear and concise explanations on all the ancient Holy Scriptures and the depth of His metaphorical interpretations are unique. Using Kriya Yoga as a reference point and interpretative tool, Prajnananandaji reveals the hidden truths contained in the most complex passages of the Sacred Texts of the East and West. His vast knowledge and oratory and intellectual skills are fully utilized in interpreting deep philosophical thoughts in the light of modern science and psychology.

That morning I bought one of Prajnananandaji’s books, as I was eager to know something more about the teacher who was going to initiate me, and keenly read what was written about His life: “Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, who is the disciple and chosen spiritual successor of Paramahamsa Hariharananda, a rare living realised Master, has taken on the mission of spreading the ancient and sacred teachings of Kriya Yoga to spiritual aspirants leading and guiding many disciples along the path of realisation. Paramahamsa Hariharananda, long before He made Him a monk, had said: “Whatever is started by Me, has to be completed by Him.” Paramahamsa Prajnanananda was born in the village of Pattamundai in Orissa in 1960. From an early age He was searching for a spiritual teacher and had always been a sincere seeker of truth. In 1983, while still a student, He met His Master Paramahamsa Hariharananda, who initiated Him into the path of Kriya Yoga. This meeting changed His whole life.He soon went to live with His Master in Karar Ashram in Puri and travelled to and fro from Puri to Rourkela and to Cuttack where He was then teaching as a professor of Economics for 11 years. Brahmachari Triloki Dash, as He was then known, was initiated into Sannyas by His Master, and became Swami Prajnanananda Giri on the 25th of April 1995. The next day, Paramahamsa Hariharananda sent Him immediately to Europe and then to the USA to teach Kriya Yoga through public lectures, seminars, retreats and meditation classes. On August 10, 1998, on His 39th birthday, the title of Paramahamsa, the highest title reserved for monks and saints who attain the summit of realization was conferred

Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, in essence, teaches only one lesson: the lesson of love. He urges and directs aspirants on the spiritual path to realise they are all Divine and that one can reach that Super Conscious, blissful state through constant breath-awareness. He is an ocean of wisdom and, being fully grounded within, He can focus on ten tasks at a time with perfect precision and mastery, yet, around Him, one always perceives a loving, peaceful yet forceful and joyful energy, the mark of a Master who has mastered Himself. Paramahamsa Prajnanananda’s life is His message. Once we have offered ourselves to the Lord, the world naturally prostrates at our feet, once we have conquered our mind, we have conquered the world and, once we are successful within, also worldly accomplishments are gained. Once we surrender our own desires to the Lord, we are free from our own personal whims and ambitions and the Divine Will itself becomes our own desire. Once one has found bliss and harmony within, the whole world becomes infused with beauty and joy. He Himself sets an example to one and all on how to realize the connection between ourselves and the Divine; how to surrender and unfold our infinite potential to its fullest, in order to become or be anything we wish, without losing sight of the highest goal in life, thus encouraging His disciples to follow His exemplary life and His teachings with enthusiasm and faith.

He is selflessly sacrificing the silent and secluded life of a monk, to lovingly spreading the path of Kriya Yoga,

Paramahamsa Prajnanananda founded Prajnana Mission in 1993 on the advice and Divine guidance of

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Paramahamsa Hariharananda. Prajnana Mission has Ashrams in Cuttack and in Balighai near Puri in Orissa. Through the Mission the discipline of Kriya Yoga is taught to sincere seekers irrespective of caste, creed, sex and religion. Prajnana Mission is also dedicated to the service of humanity through many charitable and educational activities. Balighai Ashram has just been enlarged for intensive retreats and seminars. In 1995 Paramahamsa Hariharananda had a dream where Sriyukteshwar directed Him to transfer this property to Paramahamsa Prajnanananda predicting that this beautiful Ashram will become a place of international reputation where many people would come to stay and meditate.”

C H A P T E R 11

The Day of Initiation

“Remaining in the Soul centre, one can go down to the lower centres of earth and water, and fly high into the fontanel to tap the real source of joy and pleasure. Tapping the source is possible only if we can stop the play of the mind.”

We traveled to Puri by car and, after 10 kilometers on the narrow but lovely Marine Drive that leads to Konark Temple, we arrived in Balighai where Hariharananda’s Gurukulam was in the process of being built. We enjoyed the warmth of the winter sun sitting quietly around a most enchanting pond full of pale pink lotuses. Two ducks were trying to chase us away and the deer that roamed free avoided us as intruders on their peace. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I was shown where the new Ashram would be built and the new small hospital where doctors would cure the poor villagers free of charge. The monks were going to sleep in a tiny hut and the rest of the people in the meditation hall or in the rooms below. Judy asked if I were the only one to be initiated next day, but Prajnananandaji said that whenever people came to know He was there, someone would always appear at the last moment to be initiated. 58

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The Day of Initiation

A day before flying to Bhubaneshwar my ex-husband had come to pay me a visit and he was complaining about not being capable of remaining in a constant blissful state. Hoping it could really help him, I had told him where I was going and he had asked if he could join. As he had not found a seat on our flight, he had arrived that very day and I left him to his own experiences without helping him much, as I wanted to be in silence as much as I could. I also did not want to have any further responsibility towards him.

These two simple words reminded me of Sai’s and, rang a bell! For the first time, I looked at Prajnananandaji with an awe.

That very afternoon we saw a foreigner walk into the Ashram, his legs and arms all scratched and bleeding. Still out of breath, he asked if it was possible to be initiated and explained that he was riding on his bicycle back to Puri, had just fallen off in front of the Ashram gate, looked up and saw the words: ‘Kriya Yoga Ashram’. He explained that he had been having this aspiration for many years, but never expected to bump into this opportunity in such circumstances. We all laughed, but it really was a peculiar story. That night I couldn’t sleep and took three or four showers to purify my body before the initiation. I was so happy looking forward to the ceremony, which is to be considered as a new baptism that allows a new start on the spiritual path. At six in the morning my ex husband approached me saying he had decided he didn’t need Kriya Yoga initiation as he believed he had already reached enlightenment when he was 21. I do not know if in my eyes there were flames that burnt him when I said: “This is old rubbish, then why can’t you always be in ananda?” All I know is that he left straight away. I walked into the thatched roof hut where the ceremony would be held, leaving all the world outside, and noticed that there were another three people waiting to be initiated, confirming what Prajnananandaji had said. We all sat in front of Him. He looked around and asked: “Where is your husband?” and when in two words I told Him he had chosen not to take the initiation, He acknowledged: “Very good.” 60

I cannot write much about the initiation, as I remember absolutely nothing of the entire ceremony. All I remember is the profound sound of Prajnananandaji’s breath echoing inside my own body and then being hooked up to a bulb giving light at the top of the head while a conch was being blown in some far place inside me. I had to wait one year till I had the chance to witness another initiation ceremony. After having seen how touching the ceremony was, I went to Prajnananandaji and said: “I am jealous, you did not do all that to me last year!” He answered that for sure He had, but I still have no memory of it all. Something very similar to my first darshan must have happened. Remembering the ceremony in itself may not be that important, but what I shall never forget is the overwhelming and extreme calmness that followed it. The same evening Paramahamsaji instructed us on the technique. Watching Him show us how to practice was fascinating. To me He appeared to be a block of solid peace, His body and his postures showed the deepest harmony and the perfect stillness of connectedness. There was no showing off; He was so pure, so humble and yet so powerful. The practice seemed to be one with Him. From His voice transpired the devotion and sweetness of His love for the One in Him and yet He was ever present and aware of all of us. His presence in the room must have muffled my mind because, instead of learning the practice, I just stared at Him spaced out. I had to pull myself together more than once to have a pin pointed attention on what He was teaching us. Eventually I even had to make Him repeat all the instructions taking notes, as I feared not to be able to remember once at home. But once back home I discovered I did not need the notes, as the memory of His voice instructing us surfaced again and again, as soon as I would close my eyes. Every time I practiced, it was as if someone switched on the light, when deeply relaxed, I often felt delicate buzzing sounds and vibrations, and with time, the more the mind became calm and centered, the more they increased. 61

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The Day of Initiation

Judy and I took a taxi to go and visit Karar Ashram where Swami Sriyukteshwar, the Guru of both Yoganandaji and Hariharanandaji, had lived for many years. The taxi driver did not know the way to the Ashram and I was astounded to point at him to stop exactly in front, even if I had never been there before. There was no visible sign, but I said: “There it is.” One does not know whether these are memories or intuitions, but it was awe-inspiring. We walked around the premises, amazed by its enchanting peace and beauty. In the meditation hall, I saw pictures of innumerable spiritually evolved personalities, saints and Gurus. My attention went to a collage of all these Indian saints and noticed Sai Baba at the top. It was so sweet to find Him everywhere! I imagined all those saints and highly evolved Masters were His fingers selflessly working in the world, so that as many people as possible could be woken up by their inspired teachings.

After five days, content with the first results of the practice, I flew back home, but just before leaving, I found myself with those special atmic tears swelling up from my heart. I had never been that joyful, my heart full to the brim with the deepest love and gratitude. I knew the missing link had been found.

Judy and I walked out and went to sit in the tranquil samadhi temple of Swami Sriyukteshwarji. I bowed and sat quietly for a long time. I honestly must say that if I were asked where I’d prefer to live my future years in seclusion, if I had the choice, Karar Ashram would surely be my number one alternative. There, one can enjoy the most conducive, sacred and peaceful atmosphere, together with an extraordinary uplifting energy.

I carefully examined that deep feeling of “loving awe” that I spontaneously felt for Prajnananandaji. I recognized that the power of the atma was for sure the strongest magnet. That same Supreme Power of God that same Love I had experienced in Sai’s Presence was also intensely flowing from this highly realized Yogi, as He was so pure. There are no two powers; the Divine Love Energy is One. I could clearly see in Him the perfect example of a real devotee of the Lord who had succeeded in mastering Himself with great love and discipline, He had traveled already on the same road I was struggling on and He had succeeded, so I knew He could also lead me forward. Up till today, I have always refused to memorize all the complex names of all the stages of samadhi, nor am I to know where He stands in terms of names or classifications, but I have a heart to feel the great uplifting peace, untainted love and delightful inner joy I am graced with, by simply sitting somewhere near Him and that, for me, is even more than enough to love and trust Him fully.

When we left, I glanced back at the pale bluishwhitewashed simple construction, with its walls embraced by multicoloured bougainvilleas and I found it difficult to leave that deep silence and suffused peace. We went to see Jagannath Temple and felt sad not to be allowed in, as in the majority of the most sacred Hindu temples in India, foreigners are not allowed. I dismissed a slight sense of rejection and smiled knowing there was a temple, inside, no one could ever refuse me entrance. I dwelled on the general Hindu belief that all Gods are One and wondered why such rules could still be upheld differentiating on creed as spirituality was beyond such boundaries. I was sure this was only a man-made rule and Jagannath, the Lord of the Universe, had nothing to do with it.

A few weeks after I had come back to Puttaparthi, it was my birthday and I received the wonderful gift of a first line. I could feel that the love for Sai had even deepened in sweetness as great ripples of love and that special honey was again flowing while waiting for Him to appear. When He slowly arrived in front of me, I heard Him softly pronounce: “Chaala Santhosham,” (Very happy) and at the same time Sai Baba slightly lifted His robe allowing me, after two years of ignoring me, to take what would eventually be my last, but soul-enthralling padnamaskar. If any part of my mind needed a confirmation I was on the right path, or where Sai Baba had planned and wanted me to be, that padnamaskar was for me the ultimate “blessingseal”. A few months later Swami, all of a sudden, announced that He would not allow them any more and

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also added: “From today no more padnamaskars, you yourselves are God, haven’t you yet realized it?” Many of the devotees were devastated, but what a mind-boggling direct teaching that was!

but understanding that the ‘baby’ in me needed a contact, I picked up the phone and rang up Vienna Ashram and, at the other end, heard His voice personally answering the phone. He was so surprised and sweet and I was happy. I knew He traveled a lot, but in those days I yet didn’t know how rare it is to find him, unless one had His programs that obviously I didn’t have. I do not remember the short conversation, but what I do remember is the amazement that struck me when, exactly the very next day, while tidying up, I found a leaflet of the Cuttack Ashram where there were listed all the Holy days of the year and noticed that the 10th of August was Prajnananandaji’s Birthday. Was it really all a coincidence? Who was that ‘baby’ in me wailing just looking at His photograph exactly on the day of His Birthday? I blushed trying to figure out what He must have thought of that funny mother ringing all the way from India, on that particular day, without even saying: “Happy Birthday!”

I reorganized my daily schedules to give space to the technique. I loved practicing. I knew it would, with time, give me through loving peace the constant God awareness I so much longed for. I had full trust in the technique, as Kriya was what all those realized Masters had been practicing. I kept myself in check and practiced punctually. Soon, I found myself creating even a totally new environment pulling out all the plants and rearranging the entire garden. I designed and built a new house, much smaller than the previous one, intending to reshape my life once more limiting my needs and wants to the minimum. Was I building and rebuilding just like Milarepa was instructed to do? There seemed to be a need to express the inner transformation all around me and I was astonished at the unending joyful creative energy I had. After six months the body started a dance of aches as if the greatest pullout was going on: hips, slipped discs, sciatica and terrible backache weren’t allowing me to practice any longer. I wrote to Prajnananandaji about the problem and soon received a letter where He advised me to constantly watch my breath and that would be sufficient. It seemed simple, but it was so easy to get distracted and forget for hours on end, but as time went by, I noticed that ultimately, I would feel at loss when not aware of breath. I was feeling ever more peaceful and calm, this profound calmness often turned into pure bliss, bliss turned into an elating expansion and the expansion concretized into unfathomable pure unconditional love that those around me really could feel. On the 10th of August 2000, the new small house was ready and I moved into a new life. While reorganizing my books I opened Yoga: Pathway to the Divine, one of Prajnananandaji’s many books, silently turned the pages till my eyes fell on one of His photographs and, unexpectedly, found myself sobbing. I was taken aback, 64

I sat down quietly trying to tune into that Supreme energy that is all pervading and, once and for all, surrendered to God and to the Guru that the all knowing Life Energy had brought me back to. With the most tender and loving heart I bowed in gratitude, I bowed to the One and only Supreme Source, to Sri Sathya Sai who, to love Himself had separated Himself from Himself to become the many forms and, as the great Director of the play, life after life, continued guiding me to the Master that again and again came to this planet earth to help me finish the game.

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C H A P T E R 12

Kriya Yoga Intensive Program

“The human mind is not happy with momentary gains and pleasures.The mind wants to dive deep and fly high to find the treasures of the Soul, the Atma.”

January 2001 saw me again getting ready to leave for Balighai where I wished to attend the 2nd Kriya Yoga Intensive Program. Before flying to Bhubaneshwar I stopped in Whitefield as Swami was there. On the way a thought traveled through the mind: it would be nice to be able to allow other Sai devotees to come to know where to receive Kriya initiation. The thought had an immediate outcome. The sevadal in charge, when she saw me enter the hall, got hold of my hand and said. “This morning you sit first line, first block.” Well that was really the first time in years that it had happened. When I sat down I knew that was the rare opportunity to hand over the message to Swami and maybe also a chance for an answer. I felt that I shoud ask Sai first because Puttaparthi was His abode, His private ‘territory’. So, I found some paper and a pen and wrote: “Is it Your will that I may become a link between 66

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Kriya and Your devotees in Puttaparthi?” As soon as Baba came out He went to the opposite end and I kept rolling up the tiny piece of paper reducing it to a funny shape. When finally He came to our first line He stopped, took the note, opened it and with a smile He blessed me and enthusiastically added: “Very happy! Very happy!” Upon arriving in Cuttack Ashram I informed Prajnananandaji about my odd first line at darshan, my note and Sai’s answer and His blessings. He was so busy daily giving talks on the Bhagavad Gita in Bhubaneswar and Cuttack and then the program in Balighai where almost all the Kriya monks were present and many Swamis from all over India were His guests. The program was very intense with the many monks who had graced the occasion with their holy presence. From the dais the energy swept us with such power we were all overwhelmed. Some would fall asleep even when not tired, some others were helped to meditate deeper, I simply felt hooked up during all of the week. Prajnananandaji gave the most interesting discourses and I sat riveted all day though I had a very high fever. During that week I had little time to speak with Prajnananandaji, but it seemed there was no need. A glance or a word in a particular tone would be sufficient for me to feel His loving concern and “knowing”. If I had some questions He would surprisingly answer them in one of His classes, so I was contented and grateful. During that program also Prajnananandaji was very sick, but when He had to be on the dais, He extraordinarily looked as vibrant as ever, but soon after, He was undergoing asthma attacks due to the dust of the cars parking right in front of the Ashram. One could tell from the tone of His voice He was not well, but the liveliness was always the same and the busy program was not modified. I noted down His lessons and still remember the notes on sadhana: “The nature of the mind is extrovert; it does not like to go inwards. The mind cannot remain in a vacuum space, it continuously looks for objects. If left to its 67

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Kriya Yoga Intensive Program

normal pattern, the mind will roam from one object to another. In sadhana, we have to reverse the process. If you identify with the mind, the mind becomes the master and you become the slave. Reverse the process. How to reverse the process? Concentrate on a single object and go to the internal world. Through the grace of the Guru and our own self-effort, the mind becomes focused. When the mind becomes stable and follows our command, the focused mind will reach deeper spiritual dimensions. All of you assembled here are fortunate and blessed to be able to get clear guidance on how to withdraw and direct the mind to God with full force. Sadhana is not a part-time commitment, but a constant endeavor. The mind is a big bag of tricks. The mind is mischievous. Sadhana cannot be practiced only innerly, but also when we deal with the world, relationships, jobs and other duties. People think that sadhana means only meditation, prayer and reading the Scriptures and that it has no connection with worldly life. People divide life in two compartments: spiritual and worldly. In one they practice disciplines and in the other they roam free. In this way the mind crawls backwards and forwards into its old grooves and does not progress. A sadhaka’s daily life must be conducive to his sadhana as a whole. All activities should be done as karma yoga.”

The fox said: “Oh, many techniques!” and produced a book describing them on many pages. While they were talking a dog came to chase them. The cat quickly climbed a tree and was safe, while the fox had to search through pages and pages of his book to know which technique to follow!”

Sometimes He would give us a break telling us some stories with such a sense of humour that the hall would be filled with laughter and the tension from the intense teachings would decrease. Of all the stories I liked the one of the cat and the fox the most. Prajnananandaji said it was a story that Sriyukteshwar used to tell His disciples:

Prajnananandaji commented that it was good to know a little and to practice it, rather than to know a lot, but not practice what you knew and that regular practice was the sure way to success. This made me think also of Sai Baba’s words: “You should not dig many shallow holes, but one, long, deep one.” Each day represented massive learning as Prajnananandaji’s way of conveying the teachings was so clear, so direct and so pleasant that it hit the point immediately. He would sense when we were tired and would give us a break making us sing following His sweet voice. Then there would be question and answer sessions where He would dispel any doubt in no time, straight to the point. When the week was over some of the foreigners and also all of the monks were going to the Maha Kumbhamela, but by then I was so sick, I had to come back home. Before leaving I asked if there could be a Kriya Yoga center in Puttaparthi and He agreed. I bowed, and both of us with high fevers happily left for different destinations.

“There were two friends, a cat and a fox, who lived in a forest. One day they were discussing different ways in which they could escape danger and save their lives. The cat said: “ I know of only one way, and that is to climb a tree. How many ways of saving yourself do you know?”

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C H A P T E R 13

The Trip to Miami

“Life is a candle designed to radiate knowledge and love, a symbol of continuous sacrifice for others, kindle it with care.”

In March a beautiful plan for a trip became a reality. There was a retreat in Assisi, which would have been only two hours from Siena where I intended to visit the children and grandchildren for a few weeks and if the bookings, which were waitlisted, were confirmed, I would also proceed to Miami, to meet Paramahamsa Hariharananda.

The Trip to Miami

so I asked Him if one did not bow in the West, but He made a sign I could. So, I sneaked a few bows as being in a convent of Franciscan nuns, I doubted they would have understood. Bowing to a Swami in shoes was quite singular as, when you bow, you lay your forehead on His feet in humility and devotion, but also to allow the Master’s energy to flow into you through the head, as it is like the linking of negative and positive wires, which generate spiritual energy. I immediately compared the shoes to that subtle different “armour” that enveloped Him and wondered whether, after all, He was all that happy to be away from the holiest land of the world, His Sacred Bharat, the Himalayas, the Ganga and Puri that I had heard Him say was what He loved most. Was He only carrying on what His Gurudev had asked Him, with great love, self-sacrifice, selfless sense of duty and patient detachment? The guided meditations were so deep that in between it was difficult to feel in the mood to go and sight see, but Saint Francis’ Eremo and the Porziuncola were both well worth seeing again. Prajnananandaji asked me if I had been to Assisi before and when I told Him I had been there, 33 years before on honeymoon, He had one of His hearty laughs. The retreat filled my heart with extreme calmness and once more I felt “hooked up to the top of the head” and when I practiced in Siena, I discovered I could maintain for even longer periods of time that special intimacy with my inner Love, but the depth one may reach, when in the presence of the Master, is for sure difficult to attain, when one is again alone, back at home.

In Assisi the group of kriyavans was mostly of Germans and Austrians and it was striking how disciplined they were, compared to the Indian disciples, who are often lovingly unruly out of too much enthusiasm and spontaneous affection, but then I also noticed how different even Prajnananandaji was. Obviously I compared his joyous carefree looks, so dear to my heart that I had witnessed and appreciated in India, to how He now appeared in the West. Still very soft and loving, but not the Prajnananandaji I had known in India. What confused me most was we were both wearing shoes!! Very few bowed,

When, after five days we all left, I turned to glance once more at that enchanting small town nestled up on a hill and noticed the last rays of the sun, which was slowly setting, were lovingly painting the walls of Assisi in a pink hue. The sunrays were embracing the place that had given birth to such a beautiful Saint that taught the western world, by his example, the importance of simplicity and humility, the two qualities I admired most in all the Kriya Yoga Swamis.

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At the end of April I arrived in Homestead near Miami. When the gate of the Ashram opened, I saw the most

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

The Trip to Miami

beautiful garden with hundreds of roses and all types of fruit trees including mangoes and bananas. Even on this occasion my mind was behaving well, as it had no expectations and nothing had been projected and, when I was suddenly allowed into Paramahamsa Hariharananda’s room, a pink nest thick with love, I surely didn’t expect to feel a melting thud in the heart and the instant flow of those famous atmic tears that by now, I knew, were my personal thermometer, when this body came into contact with pure Divine energy. I could immediately perceive the charming soft luminosity that is none other than pure love, pure light, pure unsullied Divine essence. I bowed and Gurudev blessed me while gently inquiring why I lived in India. He was so soft, so sweet, sweeter than anything ever experienced, it was like biting into marzipan that would slowly melt filling you with sweetness, yet His eyes seemed to scan your soul and you were aware He knew everything about you in a split of a second. Then He startled me saying: “Let me see that necklace you are wearing, it is the most beautiful necklace in the world. Who gave it to you?” I said: “Sathya Sai” and then He inquired what I had inside pointing to a pendant which was not visible as it was totally inside the blouse of the sari and I answered again: “Sathya Sai.” He gently smiled holding them both in His hand. He pulled me by the “chain”, the necklace-japa, till our faces were very near, and gazing into my eyes He said: “I really like you.” I looked into His eyes, an inch away from mine, and for a fraction of a second I saw Sai and then only overwhelming, infinite Love. His body was lying on His bed so still, I was not sure He was really aware of my presence, but then He gently moved His hand all over my face indicating where I would feel the vibrations, light and sound in the future and then on each of the chakras, and told me not to do any of the mudras for a year and a half and all the pain in the back and hip would be over and, eventually, I would be able to practice the mudras again. I walked out so radiant, deeply stirred and uplifted I needed to be alone and in silence with my inner Sai, but Gurudev’s sweet unblinking gaze was always there, in front of my eyes. When, that night, I went to brush my teeth, I was

quite bewildered to see, from the image reflected in the mirror, that the photo in the pendent had changed from Sai to Gurudev. I also showed the pendent to Judy who was with me in the Ashram guesthouse and we were thrilled and went on verifying turning it round and round. There was a photo of Hariharanandaji when He was young. Next morning Sai was back in the pendent.

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Swami Hariharananda is considered to be the greatest living Master-Saint of the scientific technique of Kriya Yoga, and occupies a high rank among the Indian yogis of this century, yet He is truly humble and constantly showers deep compassion on all humanity. An untold number of His disciples testify to His infinite purity, extreme divinity and spiritual power. His selfless work continues even now when He is 94 and is lying in bed. His mind is perfectly alert and He controls all the Ashram activities while also keeping in touch with all His devoted disciples. I had brought some flowers to Gurudev when I had arrived, but one morning I saw a case of bright red strawberries and it gave me infinite joy to be able to offer it to Him. When I went into His room with the strawberries, He really surprised me by saying: “I like you better than strawberries, come near Me, you do not know how much I like you.” I blushed, confused and He repeated: “I really like you, you are so beautiful.” He placed a soothing hand on my heart with great tenderness and I instantly felt all tensions disappear, I believe He was healing some emotional wounds I myself had wanted to hide from myself, but at the same time He was teaching me to see, as He did, only that beautiful radiant essence of who we really are. He was only seeing Himself in me. I then saw how misleading it was to identify with what the mind and others think we are, as it is not our true Reality. In His loving Presence I experienced the connectedness to my true nature and walked out of that small room suffused in pale pink, transformed, fully conscious of the real beauty in me and of His loving healing.

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

The Trip to Miami

The daily routine at the Institute was very intense. All were contributing with some work and one really felt good to be working in the kitchen or in the garden. I have never seen such huge plants of cauliflowers as the ones I have seen there and the mango branches were all bent under the weight of huge fruits that had received personal attention from Gurudev. One day a tiny skinny baby bird was found discarded from the nest. Someone picked it up and left it in Gurudev’s room for the night. Next morning it had doubled its weight, was now fully covered by soft feathers, and was then saved. Was this what happened to all of us in His room?

When I shared with Him that I was concerned not to be able to proceed to the goal of life as due to the hip I couldn’t practice the mudras, He really made me laugh because He simply asked: “Why? Do you breathe with your hip?” With a sense of humour, He helped me see things less dramatic than what they had appeared. Soon after these words, I adjusted my postures to the aches and pains even ending up by sitting on a chair or lying down or even standing, now, with no worry, I do my best with love, leaving the results to the Lord and Gurus as a united team. It is none of my concern.

We all had our meals together with the monks and we shared Gurudev’s prasad at every meal. All the Swamis really looked so lively and happy to be near their beloved Gurudev. Prajnananandaji sometimes had shoes and sometimes did not, and by this I mean He was not always as free and spontaneous as He is when He is in India. In some moments the “armour” could still be felt. Just watching Him was the greatest lesson. Words were not required. I remember a small instance: we were washing up right in front of Prajnananandaji’s room and, forgetting we could disturb Him, some of us were talking loudly. He quietly came out and with a smile and in a very soft tone said: “The sweet chirp of your voices is rather loud.” This was like a blow for all of us, but it was said in such an enchanting delicate way that you could not believe it could have the same effect of a whip and, I believe, we all felt very embarrassed as I saw the culprits take all the plates already dried and wash them again with eyes cast down. The silent teaching of neither feeling nor showing anger when one is to reprimand, was perfectly conveyed through example and the result was outstanding.

Every evening Prajnananandaji gave a talk on the Srimad Bhagavatam, which is the Scripture I love the most. The only regret was it lasted only one hour, while I would have liked to sit and listen for hours on end. The guided meditations seemed to pull all the strings up to the crown chakra and left me spontaneously centered all day. A few hours before I was going to leave I asked Prajnananandaji for three minutes of His time, but He said that three minutes was too much as they corresponded to 180 seconds, so not to waste His time, when I was allowed in the room where He was working on a book, I tried to be very brief in asking the question I had at heart: “What is the difference between Sai and Gurudev?” He looked aloof for a few seconds, but seeing my honest need to verify with Him if what I felt was correct, He quietly answered: “For me there is none. If there is a difference, it is that Sai Baba is a Universal Teacher and Gurudev is an Individual Teacher.” I allowed His words to seep in, then asked: “Is it because the knower of Brahman is Brahman Himself?” and He said: “Yes.” I thanked Him, and left His room as one minute was already over.

One morning I happened to hear a disciple ask Prajnananandaji if He liked to travel and whether He was happier in India or in the West. He answered: “Ask Sandra ma, she has seen me here, in Europe and in India.” I realized I really couldn’t hide anything from Him, not even sensations, so I honestly expressed my feelings: “In India.” And He said it was correct.

Judy was going to take me to the airport, but as she was not ready, I was sitting in the Ashram guesthouse exchanging a few words with one of Gurudev’s devotees and, when I told him I was flying straight to Sai Baba’s Ashram, he looked puzzled and asked me: “You may not answer, but how can you deal with two Gurus?” I smiled, but not wanting to say anything, I puzzled him even more: “ They are not only two, but three. But in reality, one.” I

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could clearly see his amazement at my mathematics, he could not understand if I were joking; and so I swiftly left. I was so full of love, at peace with my intuitions and the knowing I could trust my atmic-tears-thermometer. As soon as I arrived in Bangalore I went for only one darshan in Whitefield. I had a letter where I was thanking Sai for the great boon of meeting Hariharanandaji and Prajnananandaji. When the music started and I saw the beloved slim figure in orange I lit up in joy and, as Sai is Love He responds immediately to love and joy. He came in front of me right away, gently held the letter in His hand for a few seconds, then exclaimed: “So happy to see you! When did you come back, maaaa?” I remained quiet, as he knew the answers. My mind was empty. Happy for the effect His voice had had on my mind, He just walked on. Then I realized Swami, for the first time, had called me ma, which is how the Kriya Yoga monks call ladies adding this ma to our first names. Sai had confirmed again His omniscience and wanted me to be sure He was also very happy. It was so beautiful to bounce here and there from Love to Love in Love.

C H A P T E R 14

Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

“What is real freedom? While practicing meditation one lifts up the extrovert and outgoing energy and is concentrating in the Cave of Meditation. Then one goes to the top of the cave of the cranium in fontanel. All the cells of the brain are energized. The prana, life energy, rejuvenates and reinvigorates the brain and its activities. Thus, the human brain becomes calm, quiet, peaceful, full of love and purity. This is freedom.”

When I had asked Prajnananandaji about the possibility of a center in Puttaparthi, in my mind, it was more a center of information than action, but it eventually amazingly turned out as intense action. Swami Brahmanandaji, notwithstanding his busy schedule, kindly had accepted to come for a week in September. Puttaparthi has a certain number of residents, but the majority are visitors who just come and go, so it was impossible to try and organize ahead of time. Till the very end, I did not know if there would be any people who could participate. I decided to relax waiting to see what the Lord would organize. I even spoke on the phone with Swamiji and told Him I was not sure if there would be anyone at all, also due to the terror stricken moment after the 11th of September disaster in New York, which had stopped many from flying and Puttaparthi was almost empty. He gently told me not to worry because if there 76

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Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

would be nobody “to enjoy” he would be quite happy to use such days for his own seclusion.

One of the instances that honestly made me giggle in wonder was when one morning a friend came near me during Omkar and asked: “Tell me, what is Kriya Yoga?” I tried to postpone the explanation but she said it was urgent as that very night she had had a Sai Baba dream. In this dream Baba had told her that she couldn’t proceed unless she practiced Kriya Yoga. Baba, (in the dream), then had turned into a monk with long dark hair and dark beard.

Two weeks before Swami Brahmananda was about to come, I told two friends of the possibility to be initiated into Kriya Yoga and soon after there were many people coming for information on Kriya. The day Swamiji arrived at Dharmavaram Railway Station, three of us went to meet him and, by the time of arrival he had given me, we were on time, but there he was waiting for us as the train had come in half an hour earlier. Driving back home I had to carefully avoid pigs, cows, dogs, bullock carts, tractors and children on the road, Swamiji seemed to be rather concerned about my driving and kept directing me on how to drive while holding on safely to the seat. I had prepared a chair and all the ingredients to honour, in the Indian tradition, his arrival in my house, but also asked him to suggest what I was to do, as Love was all I knew. It was so lovely to have Swami Brahmananda at home with us, such a peaceful loving presence! Next morning he went for darshan and, when he came back, I informed him there would be 20 people coming to meet him…but at ten o’clock well over 60 devotees arrived full of enthusiasm. A never-ending beeline of westerners all in white kept on arriving. The veranda of my house could hardly contain them all and their enthusiasm and keen interest was so moving. When Swamiji gave his talk on Kriya Yoga he started saying: “I wonder if I am in India! So many westerners here!” I looked around and it really was amazing. There were people from Mexico, Argentina, Poland, Russia, Spain, France, Italy and even one from Egypt! We had to split them in two groups for two days initiation ceremonies. Meantime I came to know that these 60 people were practically all sitting at darshan with letters asking Sai’s permission. One of them even handed out to Him the program and Swami blessed it. Five of them received a “no” as an answer, but all the rest knew or felt Swami had approved. Prajnanananda had given me exactly 55 folders to help in giving the information on Kriya Yoga and they were all handed out. 78

As Sai Baba devotees normally dream of Him a lot, those nights all the Masters were at work. The following mornings I would listen to the most incredible stories of their dreams. There even was an American who had already been initiated by some acharya of the Self Realization Fellowship, but in the enthusiasm of the moment, he had asked Brahmanandaji to initiate him again. Swamiji tried to dissuade him saying there was no need, but the American insisted so much that eventually our loving Brahmanandaji gave in and said he would. But next day, when I looked for him, somebody told me he was not there as Yoganandaji had gone in his dream that very night and had told him. “You stupid, what is this story to be initiated again?” Practically I did nothing and Sai and the Kriya Yoga Masters did everything. On the very day Swamiji had arrived I had received some very bad news from home that gave me great pain. Swamiji’s peace, his quiet wisdom and his warm love helped me a great deal to remain balanced and calm waiting for the news to come by e-mail and the phone calls that in the first six days were only giving great concern, and sadness, but I managed to handle the entire blow with equanimity. But, as at night I always talk to Sai before falling asleep, those days I must have annoyed Him so much with my worries that eventually He came in a dream and told me: “Why do you keep on complaining, I have given you a cushion to absorb the blow!” Well we were all laughing when I told Swamiji that Sai had compared him to a cushion!! But, how true it was, he is so soft and loving, and how perfect the timings of the Lord! When Swamiji left, the problem dissolved into thin air. 79

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Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

All the mothers would enthusiastically take turns to cook something special for Brahmanandaji, even Italian gnocchi and penne, but Pat would have almost the majority of the responsibility as she knew how to prepare Indian food better than anyone else, while I was the specialist in simple boiled vegetable, sprouts, salads and fruit salads. One evening he noticed how one of us was preparing chapattis, so he naturally walked into the kitchen to teach us how to make perfect round balls and then he cooked the chapattis himself. The atmosphere was extremely relaxed, always joyful and so spontaneous. We all enjoyed the blessing to eat with him as if we were all one family and he would make us feel at ease with his stories and gentle loving concern. I loved the stories of Prajnananandaji and Brahmanandaji both still as brahmacharis trying to have Sai Baba’s darshan during one of the crowded Birthdays and how eventually they had to wake up at two in the mornings to have a possibility to enter in the Mandir, plus all their difficulty in finding food without garlic, onions and chilies and therefore their consequential forced fasting. I could picture them under the meditation tree with their backs perfectly aligned, looking like bows ready to stroke arrows to the Lord.

Krishna Himself taught it to Arjuna, reintroducing the ancient yoga, which is now known as Kriya Yoga. Saints and sages of India have long practiced and spread the science of yoga. In modern times, the timeless Mahavatar Babaji Maharaj revived these teachings in 1861, and named the technique “Kriya Yoga”. In 1861, in a mountain cave near Ranikhet, in the Himalayas, Babaji passed all the sacred instructions to Lahiri Mahasaya, who then spread the sacred science as his mission. One of his disciples was Swami Shriyukteshwarji who had an ashram also in Puri, Karar ashram, and here he initiated Yogananda and Hariharananda our own Gurudev, who were both instructed by Babaji Himself and their Master to spread it in the West.”

When some devotees expressed their wish to know more about the origins of Kriya Yoga, Swami Brahmanandaji kindly explained, “You see, in reality, the origins date back to the dawn of consciousness. The ancient history of Kriya Yoga is mesmerizing. Its mystifying origins are an intermingling of mythology, history and science. Even the Bhagavad Gita affirms that God first revealed this yoga to Vivashvat, the sun-god, he passed the knowledge on to his son Manu, Manu then transmitted it to his son Ikshvaku, founder of the first dynasty of kings in India. Thus this technique was orally transmitted from father to son, which metaphorically means from guru to disciple. In Indian mythology, even Rama and Krishna practiced and taught this technique. In the Bhagavad Gita you can find the explanation on how this technique was transmitted through a long line of Rishis, yet through the ages, it has disappeared and reappeared several times. 80

One evening, after the meditation class, some of us were curious to know more about the mystifying meeting between Babaji and Lahiri Baba, so Swamiji asked us to sit around him and he told us the mesmerizing story: “To bring down to earth his dream of saving humanity from the claws of ignorance, in 1828 Babaji sent one of his advanced disciples back to the world. This baby was named Shyama Charan, (later renown as Lahiri Mahasaya). One morning, Babaji appeared in his awe inspiring luminous form at the door of the temple and said, “Mother, I am a Sannyasi, you have nothing to fear. Your child is not an ordinary child. I have ordained him to show a very simple path of self-realization both to householders and sannyasins.. He will show the way and lead many to the path of self-realization. I will be like a shadow following his form, protecting and guiding him. Through this child my dream and my resolve will ultimately concretize and become a reality.” Uttering these prophetic words, Babaji vanished. Babaji had planned that Lahiri Baba, in 1861, would be transferred to work to Ranikhet in the Himalayas. One day, while Lahiri Baba was walking along a solitary mountain path, Babaji appeared out of thin air in front of him and, amazingly addressing him by his name, said, “Shyama Charan! Why are you afraid? I knew you would come this way. I have been waiting for you for years and years. 81

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Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

Tonight, after your office work is over, come and meet me again in this same place.” Lahiri Baba was bewildered and uncertain, but as Babaji’s enchanting and divine glance had already pierced his heart, as soon as he finished his work, he rushed back to the mysterious appointment. Lahiri Baba quickened his steps over the steep and dangerous ridges of the mountains when, out of the blue, he again heard Babaji’s voice saying, “Come here, Shyama Charan!” As soon as Lahiri Baba stood in front of Babaji, his mind and heart became numb. The Sad Guru and the disciple were reunited after many, many years. After seconds of silent bliss, Babaji took Lahiri Baba into a cave and asked him if he recognized the place, or the tiger skin and the water bowl that were in the cave. As Lahiri Baba remained silent, Babaji touched him on the head saying, “In your past life you practiced meditation in this cave. After your death I have preserved the tiger skin and the water bowl. I have been waiting for 34 years.” At the Master’s touch, a divine electromagnetic current flowed throughout Lahiri Baba’s body and the world disappeared from his mind. Slowly his past life as an ascetic surfaced in his mind and he could recognize the eternal and sacred relationship that had always bound him to Babaji Maharaj. At this point Babaji told Lahiri Baba that, before he could initiate him into Kriya Yoga, he should take a dip in the nearby river in order to purify his body and mind. At the same time Babaji materialized some oil and asked him to drink it. While he was swimming in the river he was in divine ecstasy at the blessing of the reunion with Babaji. That night, at around midnight, one of Babaji’s disciples came to call him and brought him to a magnificent palace effulgent with light. The disciple explained that in a past life he had desired to enjoy the luxury of a golden palace and on this occasion the Mahayogi Babaji had created that palace to burn his last desire. This is one of the most renowned yogic leelas of Babaji. Lahiri Baba walked through the luxurious palace totally mesmerized admiring the jewel studded corridors and the lavishly decorated halls. Finally he reached the main hall where Babaji was sitting on a throne adorned with diamonds in his usual

lotus posture. When Lahiri Baba bowed at His feet, Babaji said, “All your earthly desires are now extinguished. I will initiate you into the secret science of Kriya Yoga.” By Babaji’s touch Lahiri Baba was anchored in the Ultimate Awareness.

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The palace disappeared back into the thought essence that had created it, proving once again Babaji’s unlimited spiritual power. Lahiri Baba entered the deepest stratum of God realization, the state of nirvikalpa samadhi. For seven days he was established in constant God-consciousness; there was complete reunion of the individual soul with the Oversoul.” Swamiji asked if we wanted to hear some other stories about Babaji and obviously we all assented. “ I was told that an American devotee had already spent five years searching all over the Himalayas for Babaji, as he wished to be his disciple, but when he finally came into Babaji’s presence, Babaji tested him. The foreigner had to implore him many times to accept him as his disciple, but Babaji remained silent ignoring him. Distraught, the American menaced that he would die for Babaji if he would refuse to be his guru. Babaji remained aloof. In agony the American jumped from the cliff crushing his body on the rocks below. After some time Babaji asked his disciples to bring back the dead body and when it was laid at his feet, Babaji touched it and life came back into the devotee that had proved his perseverance and earnest desire. The American could enjoy the supreme experience of being Babaji’s disciple in his ashram, which is protected by an energy field from intruders, somewhere beyond Badrinath. Babaji also appeared to Shriyukteshwar, to Paramahamsa Yogananda and Hariharananda Baba, and surely to many other of his disciples.” As in the garden there are hundreds of chipmunks racing up and down all the coconut trees, Brahmanandaji asked if we knew that only Indian chipmunks had the three stripes on their back and why. He told us that even the chipmunks, together with the monkeys, had been helping Rama to build the bridge across to Sri Lanka where He

Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi

had to go to rescue Sita. At the end Rama, out of gratitude, caressed them on their back with three of His fingers and, from that day onwards, Indian chipmunks had those three stripes on their back while all the other chipmunks around the world didn’t. Even now, when I look at the chipmunks swiftly jumping from one tree to the other or chasing each other with great cries of excitement, I smile at this beautiful story realizing that everything in this country is suffused with Divine leelas. After nine days that saw so many Sai Baba devotees practice Kriya right after darshan and bhajans, we saw Swamiji pack his pink bag and with gratitude and love, seven of us accompanied him to the railway station as he was moving on to further initiation programs, up north. We saw him stand at the train door waving gently at us till the train disappeared. All of us knew the Lord of Parthi had offered us a great boon allowing this Kriya Yoga initiation program, here at His Lotus feet. On the way back from the railway station all the mothers were singing bhajans to soften up that sense of emptiness the departure of Swami Brahmananda had left in our hearts. Once back at home, I walked around the garden in silence. After all the loving breeze of those nine days, I was settling back into my peaceful stillness, letting go of all the organizational small duties. I welcomed my solitude again, breathing in the sweetness and the love of all the blessings received in these years. Love was all there was. The memory of one of Prajnananandaji’s teaching slowly crept in, and my heart expanded in loving wonder: “Teachers are like bottles of wine, drink the wine, but then throw the bottle away.

Part III

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

C H A P T E R 15

This Was Not The End

“Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identify yourself with your role!”

One morning, after exactly 9 years permanently residing in Puttaparthi, I was walking along the road in front of the schools to go and offer some bananas to Sai Gita, Baba’s elephant, when a thunderbolt left me totally numb. There was no one on the road when I saw Sai Baba’s car stop right next to me. The window of the rear seat came slowly down and Sai simply said with a serious twinkle in His huge loving eyes: “Get ready. Your time in Puttaparthi hospital is over. The mountains will teach you the rest.” Then the car slowly left leaving me flabbergasted and in a cloud of bewilderment. The bananas were rapidly stolen by a shrewd monkey that had noticed my noncenteredness, as I went on standing with my mouth open staring into nothingness. I leaned against the compound wall. The front part of my brain was full of light, and no thought could creep in. When I came back to my senses I heard Sai’s voice say: “Do you want to know a secret? Not 86

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This Was Not The End

even karma exists. It is all an interwoven and complicated design of mine. I always was the One who blew your thoughts and desires. I was the one who wrote the script of the comedy and I am also playing it. You were never the doer. Let go of this sense of individual doership that is clouding your full apperception of the all-pervading Truth. Now I’ll lead you to this new stage, you should not even try to see where you are going. I am guiding and holding the reins of your chariot. Leave fear, leave behind any sense of sin and guilt, as you never were the doer.”

Rather confused I also went to Shirdi to see if, by chance, Shirdi Sai Baba, “the old man”, could subtly give me the insight and clarity, but he must have been allied with Parthi Sai and ‘one’ in the mysterious plan. The old mosque was packed full with visitors and devotees, but there was an intense silence broken only by some enthusiastic, “Jay, jay, jay Sai Ram.” When I arrived in front of Shirdi Sai Samadhi I looked transfixed at his marble statue, I could feel the piercing look for a fraction of a second, and felt so embarrassed, as it seemed to say, “What is this story of leaving Parthi to come and see Me in the old form? You, little duckling!” So, after only two days, I packed, flew back and remained calm and quiet for months relinquishing totally to try and understand what was in store for me.

I could not believe it. Mountains teaching me the rest? Where? Hours went by and I saw myself roaming as a hermit, all-alone, from one temple to Himalayan peaks in rags, matted hair and dipping in the cold waters of the Ganga. I took a shower and sat under my veranda peeping at the tiny birds sucking the nectar from flower to flower after having examined the best ones. It is true, we have many teachers if we attentively observe nature. The tiny bird had hinted to the correct answer I was searching for, yet I did not know where I was to go. Would I have to meet more teachers? I looked around at the beautiful garden I had tenderly grown under adverse conditions, at the two dogs, at all I had built in those years. The house was the roots I had again set up to tie me down to Sai’s energy field and now I was asked to move from my safe nest into unknown regions. The strange thing was that for a few months a rope bridge connecting two mountains kept appearing in front of my mind’s eye and I would see Prajnananandaji meditating on the opposite bank of Ganga. I discarded the bubble vision and never gave it any importance. I tried to see Sai’s words as having only a metaphorical meaning. I had heard Sai explain, that the Himalayan peaks were the higher and cooler regions of apperception and knowledge represented by the regions above the crown chakra. I kept telling myself that I would understand later on and I should better stop worrying about it, as such higher levels could happen to be reached even remaining in Puttaparthi as Sai was there. 88

Months went by and I had almost forgotten about the singular “car darshan” and the intriguing instructions that my time in Puttaparthi was over. I had re-balanced everything asserting and reassuring myself that there could not be any other place on earth with the same uplifting energy field. To be near Sai for me was the highest boon and therefore I had discarded the instructions, which meant leaving the form I loved most and all the “securities” I had recreated after having left the roots of a family and my own country. Total surrender had not yet fully happened. This seemed to be a part of the learning process, but I could see it. After nine months, in April, I suddenly decided to avoid the usual, unbearable heat wave that was burning the South and bought a ticket to fly to Delhi, proceeded to Rishikesh and then to the cooler regions of the Himalayas, without even thinking of Sai’s words. It simply happened. I left Rishikesh early morning on a jeep. The driver assured me we would make it in three hours and started climbing up at full speed. Indians are not exactly bad drivers; in fact, I was quite impressed by the last minute reaction to any front collision risk, as they drive possessing the road and imposing themselves exactly in the middle of the road ignoring any white line. As in reality Indian taxi drivers are very good drivers, but incredibly reckless, 89

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This Was Not The End

I still wonder why India has not yet produced a worldclass rally driver. Overtaking on blind curves seems to be the favorite sport, and overtaking someone who is currently overtaking somebody else is excitingly normal. The rule to drive on the left is more a rule to make sure that when you’re in a head-on situation, both drivers are going to swerve left to avoid each other. My driver was no exception. Being endowed with great commonsense all the monkeys were rushing to climb up safe trees, as soon as they heard the car coming, and peeped to see if any food was thrown out of the window. In this case only the females would rush down with tiny baby monkeys firmly grasping their mothers’ waists from under their tummies. The male monkeys would usually wait in a safe spot and then, when the car had disappeared and they felt it was safe, they would chase the courageous and hungry females to grab the food they had conquered. The road we were hurtling along was about as busy as a western motorway would be, but the traffic jam was usually due to hundreds of buffaloes slowly and steadily moving up towards greener pastures. The driver was constantly using his horn slaloming through the buffaloes, but they nonchalantly ignored his noise and never budged one inch.

straight to the heart, as they were conveyed with the greatest sense of humour. The Sivananda Kutir in Ganeshpur is a warm nest of love and Swamiji just giggles watching all what happens as God’s funniest play, he often breaks into roaring laughter. Obviously his attitude towards the world was so contagious, that all the inmates were enjoying a very relaxed and peaceful retreat. He used to say that in his ashram there were no rules and all he wanted was that we enjoyed God on the banks of Ganga Ma. The guesthouse of the ashram used to be Swami Chidanandaji’s Hermitage and the atmosphere was inspiring and very conducive to spontaneously shift into contemplation and natural all day long concentration on our Reality.

When we reached Uttarkashi, I wasn’t looking at something that I would have normally recognized as a town. It actually was a lawless and crammed market place. The streets were packed with mules carrying bricks and cement, buses and jeeps were hooting frantically and swerving to find their way between hordes of Nepalese carrying all sorts of merchandises on their back. Piles of rubbish right outside each vegetable shop attracted the cows that would never dream of abandoning their position and placidly blocked the flow of the traffic. Uttarkashi is not only the last base for the sadhus before reaching Gangotri, but also the last village for all tourists and climbers where they could buy some provisions before reaching the famous pilgrimage center.

One morning I took a taxi to go and explore the views along Ganga towards Harsil, but a few kilometers after Ganeshpur, I happened to look out of the window, and behind a bend, I saw a rope bridge. It was exactly like the rope bridge I had seen for months in front of my mind’s eye, while still in Puttaparthi. I asked the driver to immediately stop the car and stepped out. The air was cool, birds were chirping on a nearby tall fir tree and Ganga Ma was flowing at great speed under the rope bridge. On the opposite bank I noticed some terraced fields directly overlooking Ganga with a splendid view of the mountains; rhododendrons were dotting, in sparkling red colours, the pine forest. Thousands of yellow flowers melted into the violet-pink of the erica borders over the old-mossy stone walls. The nearest village was nested higher up and the wood huts with slate roofs were the perfect frame to a dreamland. It was so beautiful! Being on the opposite bank of Ganga, there was no traffic, no noise and no pollution. The thought immediately came, “This is it. Ask if there is any available land for sale.”

This time I stopped at the Sivananda Ashram in Ganeshpur, where Swami Premanandaji welcomed me with great love and inspirational short teachings that went

An old man appeared out of the blue and I asked if there was any land for sale. The answer was yes. Then I wondered what would be the sense in enjoying all this beauty alone, so the very next day I e-mailed to Prajnananandaji asking if he would like to have a place near Uttarkashi as a Hermitage. I did not receive an

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immediate positive answer, but in a few days he accepted and gave all the recommendations to what I had to pay attention to: land slides, danger of falling rocks and to inquire if the currents would corrode the land. The Swami in charge of the Sivananda Kutir came to give the ok as “super-safe” and kindly contacted the owners, overseeing that all papers were in order and the sellers are the actual owners, as there can always be quite a risk here in India. In a few weeks all was registered and a design got ready for the main building.

local mules with a team from another village at far more reasonable rates, but then I had to witness a funny battle on the famous rope bridge over Ganga, where all the wives of the local mule owners had come rushing down from the village with all sorts of arms to “mule-nap” the enemymules, setting them free and scaring them so that they would scatter in the nearby forest where they got lost under the risk of being killed by ferocious animals if we did not run at their rescue before nightfall, so we had to help and roam for hours in the mountains to get them back to the intrusive new mule owner. The mule owners apparently belonged to Brahmin families, as the majority of the inhabitants there, but maybe all good teachings had gone lost due to great poverty and no proper instructions on dharma, but yet went around feeling proud of their orthodox thread and pony-tail, as the caste system still has great importance with all its misunderstandings and drawbacks. What obviously shocked me most was that women were used and abused as labour and always felt great pangs when I saw them overloaded with cow food for which they had to climb up and down the mountains bent down by the weight.

Whose dream was it? I soon received a letter from one of the Kriya Yoga monks saying that through this insignificant “me” God had fulfilled one of his and Prajnananandaji’s cherished desires. This gave me joy. A plan of God had concretized for the monks, but what sense did it have for me? Prajnananandaji advised me to stay in the Himalayas and meditate, so I added his advice to the “car darshan instructions”, signed a pre-agreement of sale for the Puttaparthi house and started moving towards the higher regions full of love and enthusiasm. For a few months I lived in one of the first wood huts we had built to oversee the construction of the main building, but as I had discovered that huge rats were jumping on my tummy at night and to live there for long periods, I realized that I may need more western comforts like an attached bathroom, so I decided to start building another cottage. Here we go again building like Mila Repa. In August, I shifted to Uttarkashi to follow the construction of the cottage facing all sorts of Himalayan difficulties, as all materials had to be transported by mules from the other side of Ganga and often from Rishikesh or Dehradun and the quality of the labour was quite approximate and therefore one always had to be on the alert. I had to carry on the coordination without knowing one word of Hindi, mimicking how they had to carry out the architect’s designs as none of them could read them or how to fix a bathtub or a faucet that they had never seen before. Having verified the costs I even had to face the battle with local mule owners who had doubled the costs of transport and be always on the watch-out. I once tried to substitute the 92

Skinny cows and goats would often pass near the ashram and once I noticed that a huge fluffy sheep-dog, very similar to a Chow-Chow inbred with a Labrador, was wearing a twenty centimeters wide metal collar with nails peeping out 3 inches from the metal base and I wondered why it had to go around wrapped up in such uncomfortable armour. The local villagers explained that there were tigers and leopards roaming in search of food and they would come down to this village from the thick forest in search of goats, dogs and cows. In those days I was still sleeping in the hut with the toilet outside, and each night I would carefully repeat my mantra before exploring with my torch if the path to the toilet was safe, then ran as fast as I could. One late evening, in full light and at a few meters from our Hermitage, we saw three huge cats with a dotted yellow-brown coat jumping on a cow. Well, their pajamas were not striped as tigers; still the poor cow was devoured in a few hours time, a few meters from our ashram. I had 93

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faced cobras, but tigers and leopards seem to be a little too much as a test on faith avoiding fear! But this was where I happened to be as per God’s plan, so I had to accept it and put up with it.

merged and absorbed in God. He had traveled throughout the world leaving a trail of love. A great dispeller of ignorance, a most loved Teacher, a compassionate father for one and all. Just as the blazing sun cannot disappear, his light and love will surely continue to illuminate all his devoted disciples remaining forever in our midst and in our hearts. Although, spiritually, Guru is always with us, still at his Mahasamadhi all would miss his love, his healing smile and his divine play.

Once the new cottage was ready, I enjoyed a long period of deep quietude, stillness and silence. I used to spend hours just watching Ganga, take a dip in Her cold waters, listen to the roar of Her water rushing down tumultuously. These rhythms allowed me to naturally slip into periods of concentration and the body started to vibrate so forcefully that I could no longer ignore being mere concentrated energy and not that container made up of the elements that constitute body. It was an incredibly elevating and beautiful period. I would work in the garden for a few hours, often had elevating few minutes talks with some of the monks and then retreat inside in great peace. But when I really thought I had now nicely settled under all point of views, believing the worst part of the path had past, the mind went on strike. It could not bare the total silence any longer. In the beginning, to cajole the mind and keep it happy as I understood it needed some food and could not fast for too long, I would go for two or three days to Rishikesh where there were people to see, bhajans and bells ringing in the festive and less austere atmosphere. Then I would retreat back to the silence of Hariharananda Tapovanam. Not at all easy. At the Hermitage the telephone was not always working, but we had been informed that Gurudev, Paramahamsa Hariharananda (Baba), was not well and all the Swamis had left for Miami. Prajnananandaji had interrupted his program in London and had also reached his beloved Gurudev. Two weeks went by and only on the 5th of December we came to know that Hariharananda Baba had breathed his last and had shed his mortal frame after one week in hospital surrounded by his monks and the mothers of the Ashrams. Hariharananda Baba was one of the greatest living realized Masters in Kriya Yoga, a legend among the spiritual seekers. He had attained nirvikalpa samadhi, the state of no pulse and no breath, the state of cessation of all activities in the body, mind, thought, intellect and ego, 94

In his last public discourse, till the very end, Gurudev was stressing again and again: “Guru Purnima Day is a special day. Love Guru. In every feeble breath, you can search Him on the head to attain liberation, very short feeble breath. God is inhaling from the beginning and finishing everything. Watch it. Watch Him, every moment, here in the fontanel - (and he would point his finger at the top of his head.) Every moment you will hear sound on the top. Every moment you will take a short feeble breath. Search Him and feel the Supreme Lord is at the top of your head, shouting. In every moment you are to watch. The power of God is within you. The real ‘I’ is within you and He is inhaling from the top. You will see also all the Masters, Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya, Bhupendranath Sanyal, Paramahamsa Yogananda, Swami Satyananda, Swami Hariharananda here. You will see the light and feel the pulsation. Love God. God is inhaling and that is why you are alive. Be realized. Follow me all the time. Do not worship me, be like me.” I remembered one of his favorite sayings, “ We are eating the skin of the banana, but we are throwing the banana away.” This saying of Gurudev will always remind me that I should never forget that the best thing in life is God realization and not to waste time busying myself with any other interest or activity. I arrived in Puri just in time to be present when the Holy Body of Gurudev arrived at Bhuvaneshwar Airport and was taken to Hariharananda Gurukulam, in Balighai. In the small thatch roofed hut, the coffin was opened and Gurudev’s body was lovingly laid on a pink bed full of rose 95

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petals to allow all the Indian devotees to have his last darshan. After 13 days from his Mahasamadhi, there were neither signs of decay nor decomposition. A fragrance of divine love filled the tiny room where thousands came to bow with tears rolling freely down their cheeks. I had never seen so many saints and sadhus sincerely sharing the grief of such a huge loss. The beeline to the small hut had to be kept in order and silence, but it was impossible as feelings were too powerful. When I finally found a moment to walk in to bow at Gurudev’s feet and felt the stiffness, I looked at Prajnananandaji. He was looking distraught, desperate and on the verge of collapsing due to his deep sorrow and the many sleepless nights. I realized in that moment that he would now be Gurudev and all the weight of responsibilities was falling on his shoulders. On the 15th of December Gurudev’s sacred body was

“Why were you not here? You are stupid. Go back to your hut and stay there. I will call you if and when I want to speak to you!” something broke inside with a thud of pain and the mind started a revolution. I obviously obeyed numb and silently retreated to my hut and started crying. Nobody came to call me for dinner and I skipped it. I would not dare go out without being called. The night fell and in sheer breathless confusion, feeling cold both inside and outside, I tried to find peace in a few hours of sleep, but it was not possible. Some brahmachari had told me that by scolding saints and gurus take away karma. Well I did not believe any of this stuff and felt hurt.

carried by all his monks, who had completely shaved their hair, to the place of Samadhi that had been prepared in the middle of the forest. There was an unbelievable crowd and the atmosphere was of astonishment for the loss and deepest love. All paid their tributes at the Samadhi shrine. After a few days I sat at Prajnananandaji’s feet for a short conversation. I felt a different strength, a different power emanating from him; I could not recognize the usual softness and an unusual feeling of awe pervaded the hut. He was sitting on a chair looking down at me and I knew I had lost the intimacy I used to feel. I wished to say something, but I could find no words. His look was no more the same. In January 2003, Prajnananandaji arrived to oversee the progress of the ashram’s initial lay out. I was misled by wrong information and went down to meet him halfway at the Sivananda Kutir together with the monk in charge, but we did not see his car pass by. When he arrived at the ashram with a group of people no food was ready and the place almost deserted. After a few hours of waiting I returned and happily went to bow. I was startled to find an iceberg scolding me with such force that I thought I had gone back to childhood and when I heard the words, 96

The mind just went on thinking that I had just signed a sale agreement for the Puttaparthi house and could not go back. What to do? What was this trap Sai had prepared for me? I heard a knock on the door and a voice saying Sai Ram. I looked at the watch and noticed it was 3 am. I opened the door and saw Prajnananandaji. He was wearing a red woolen cap down to his eyebrows, red cheeks due to the five degrees under zero. With a bewitching smile he said, “My disease is that I never sleep and I had gone for a walk when I saw your candlelight on. I know you are hurt and you have been crying all night. Let me come in. I only wanted to scold the monk, but you arrived first.” All my pain poured out and I am afraid I said what I thought I would never be able to say to him, “I do not like you any longer. You made me cry and I feel all this is like a military camp. You have changed after Gurudev’s Samadhi. I want to go away from you.” Seeing my predicament and exhaustion he started giggling, pushed the door open ignoring my fury and sat laughing at me. I pointed at all the photos of Sai, the 7 Kriya Masters, Hariharananda and his (10 in total) and said, “Look where I have ended! So many gurus! Too many! Now I am in confusion!” He patiently listened, stroked my head and then, out of the blue, he commanded, “Shut the mind.” This was all he said.

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C H A P T E R 16

The Odyssey Continues

“Of the many earnest, and how earnest, people we may observe reading, attending lectures, studying and practicing disciplines, devoting their energies to the attainment of liberation which is by definition unattainable. How many are not striving via the ego-concept which is itself the only barrier between what they think they are and that which they wish to become but always have been and always will be?”

The Odyssey Continues

nightmare of thoughts and the mind, as soon as a thought aroused, would categorize it as negative or positive. The ego would react pestering my life stating with the newly acquired “holy” attitude, “I want positive thoughts or no thoughts.” This was the main trap, the involvement created by my ego with its deep-rooted set of concepts. I tried hard to simply witness the arising thoughts, knowing they would not have a chance to survive if I would not offer the mind a chance to categorize it as good or bad, thus remaining in the peaceful, impartial and neutral state. As I believed that the ultimate teaching was silence and no concepts, on the contrary, my mind was like a tumultuous flow of thoughts making an incredible clatter.

Soon in the inner instrument-mind turmoil and upheaval reflected, echoed and concretized in all aspects of my life, both in practical worldly matters and in a never ending and new spiritual crisis. Strange games went on as far as the sale of the house, other problems cropped up, totally out of my control that seemed worst than tsunami. Initially I fell in the trap and I obviously got involved in one of those peculiar “flip flop” that happen while you are learning and not yet completely grounded in the experience of the teaching. I had lost all grip on the mind, which was like a wild rabbit running here and there and the confusion became even worse. Thoughts were uncontrollable and creating havoc especially if compared to the utter silence of the Hermitage atmosphere. Yet there was nothing I could do, and I had to undergo the violent new aggression of the mind in total bewildered acceptance, as nothing would help. Meditation sessions became a

My thinking mind was creating reactions everywhere, so all kinds of differences were propping up in relationships or environments and there was no peace anywhere. I started an intense program of keeping the mind busy if not concentrated. I tried digging in the garden or writing and translating all day knowing that if I concentrated the working mind, which is the thinking mind’s great enemy, I could annihilate its wanderings. When I am engrossed in a job, my thinking mind has no space to bring in other thoughts, and that state of mind for me is as good as concentration or repeating a mantra. I knew it was my thinking mind that was creating the involvement, and the only solution was to use the working mind as a tool to shut the noises of thoughts, simply by concentrating the working mind in carrying out its tasks. By keeping my mind totally focused and concentrated I would have avoided conceptualizing, as it really was my major enemy and my worst habit. I had always had the tendency to compare and judge events from my limited standpoint and conditioning, so I had to face it once and for all. Yet the more I tried to keep the mind centered, all was against my efforts and funny things happened so that I would be forced not to concentrate. It was always raining and I could not potter around in the garden plus due to electricity problems, I had to change three computers as they all got burnt, so I could not work on any book and was left sitting and staring out into the void with a mind

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shouting HURRAY I HAVE WON THE BATTLE! No technique would help. The mind was running wild. I took up studying the Scriptures and the more I studied and knew that the mind was inert, but appears to be alive because it is infused with atmic consciousness, the more thoughts of anger arose. A disaster.

??Minds like dry wood, which succeed but only after some time.

I knew that if desires vanished, the mind would be annihilated and that when we stand as witnesses of desires, of each thought stemming on the surface of the mind, without welcoming them or avoiding them, the conceptualizing mind quietly settles down in silence. I sat for weeks witnessing a never-ending flow of reactions, preferences and all sorts of desires sprouting in the mind. By witnessing and not getting involved in any new desire sprouting in the mind, the flow of related thoughts and desires should have ended, but the result was exactly the opposite. The main cloud would be, “Why has Sai told me that He is the one blowing each thought and desire? Then He was not helping at all! Where does my responsibility lie? Is there anything I can do to accelerate this progress or not?” Obviously in this state of confusion also the body started its revolution and a very painful arthritis and spondilitis blocked it and I had enormous difficulty in practicing the mudras that are part of the technique, and I felt guilty. Sin and guilt are great enemies, but this was the conditioning I had received both through the Catholic upbringing and in many of the new teachings received in India. So I started analyzing deeply Sai’s words. Who is the doer? What is my action if it is all God? I am lived by God? Am I a computer with inputs and outputs? The answer seemed to be that as all was God, He was the dreamer of this dream and I was merely dreamt. Difficult to accept, but this is what transpired and I had to turn all my attitude 180 degrees.

??Minds like green logs, which resist the onslaught of the fire of wisdom, jnana, with all their might. I admitted and recognized that my mind was like a wet green log. But the Sun god would dry the log exactly in God’s timing and as per His will and not one minute before or after. I could not force events. Two years passed in turmoil, shifting all over India, from Himalayas to Orissa and down South to Bangalore or Puttaparthi, yet always feeling uprooted and out of place. I often went back to Uttarkashi for periods of silence and contemplation. Some times it was easy and some times more difficult, but I insisted on my tentative sadhana and started to give more and more space to personal investigation rather than reading or looking outside. During one of my periods at the Hariharananda Tapovanam Ashram, one morning I went to the e-mail shop where I met a strange Chinese with flowing white hair and beard reaching his breast, who told me that he had just arrived from Gangotri where he had the joy of attending the most enlightening teachings imparted by an Avadhoota who was spending the summer months up in a small ashram. He also stressed that for him the small ashram had turned into his personal Shangri-La as the teachings were a sum of Tao and Vedanta. I felt attracted to go and found no obstacles in organizing it.

??Minds like ginned cotton, ready to receive the spark of wisdom or jnana and to give up in one instant blaze the weaknesses and prejudices of ages.

The drive up from Uttarkashi to Gangotri is a sheer visual delight with sharp twists and turns. Sometimes the road ascends high above the valleys while at other times it drops right down to the Bhagirathi River. At Harsil the river suddenly opens out cutting a broad path with white sandy beaches on both sides. The valley is surrounded by awesome snow-peaks and the deepest blue sky dotted with few pale pink clouds playing hide and seek behind the majestic snowy peeks. It is a pleasure to breathe in total silence.

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I had scribbled on my note pad what the wise say about the various states of mind:

AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

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Practically in Harsil the rocky Himalayas turn into a miniature Switzerland with apple and cherry trees all in blossom, neat wood cottages with red geraniums in full flower and huge fir and pine trees swishing in an Om sound as if they were echoing Ganga and highlighting the spiritual experience of the great Himalayan range in all its glory – beautiful rivers, gushing streams, hot springs, waterfalls, enchanting forests, peaks which seem to touch the sky, green meadows and treacherous glaciers, God’s handiwork in all its glory. A legend prevails in the mountain villages that on moonlit nights the restless ghost of Raja Wilson regularly rides his half Arab-gray horse across the rocky trails and the ancient Ganga weeps in sympathy at Harsil as she listens to the retreating hoof beats swing by a dilapidated bungalow which once was his happy residence. Raja Wilson as he was referred to, settled down with a local Garwali girl in a beautiful mansion and mystery still shrouds the story and the origins of this British gentleman who took refuge amongst the Garwali Himalayas, at Harsil, after having left the British army in disgrace. Further to introducing in this part of the Himalayas all the apple and cherry trees, he built the suspension bridge at the nearby Bhairon Ghati Gorge over the Jadh Ganga. When it was completed the locals were too petrified to venture over it, so Raja Wilson, leaping on his Arab, galloped up and down the bridge various times to show it was safe.

was still cold. It was early May and the pilgrims season had just started, but some seekers along with the usual renunciates, monks and sadhus seemed to have had an important appointment up there. The fire colours of the renunciates make the tiny hamlet look like a field full of poppies. Indian tourists wander around for a few hours and disappear again in the same day or proceed walking to Gaumukh to worship the sacred source of the Ganges.

After crossing the Jadh Ganga River, the road winds to a halt in Gangotri at the height of ten thousand feet. When the colour of the rocks of Ganga looses its usual rusty shades and becomes white, the flowing water is transparent or pale green. About 19 kilometers further up in Gaumukh is the source of the Bhagirathi River, which eventually becomes Ganga and still further up the mountain the famous steep track to Tapovan, which carries on towards Badrinath. The gates of the temple dedicated to Ganga close down on Diwali each year and open again in May. During this time the idol of the goddess resides at Mukbha village near Harsil. Gangotri, from May to October is a world of its own. In Gangotri there were few visitors as it 102

The night before I arrived, a snow slide had respectfully and devotedly stopped a few meters from the Gangotri Temple, which is one of the four Himalayan most famous and sacred pilgrimage centers further to Kedarnath, Badrinath and Yamunotri. Coming back from the main temple, I stopped for a hot cup of tea and was delighted that the roar of Ganga, flowing under the wooden chai shop, forced the only two visitors to raise their voices, as I could clearly overhear an interesting conversation between a brahmachari and an old monk. The old monk was explaining in the most remarkable English with a slight French accent: “The term awareness gives the impression that there are two separate states. They are not two, but one state, as there are not two different kinds of Consciousness. All is energy and there exists nothing else except the very same energy. Everything just happens. You cannot think or talk, cannot do anything. Consciousness is doing it. Yet, at the same time it is Consciousness confusing you making you think that you can “think or do.” They were sitting at a corner table and when our eyes met, we smiled at each other and our hands gently went to our hearts in a sign of respectful recognition of each other’s Divinity. The brahmachari was a young boy of about 20 and was dressed in light yellow cotton. He sat straight and listened with full attention, totally riveted by the explanations, his eyes sparkling in bewilderment and finally pulled his breast out and commented: “I am sure I have discrimination and I will practice to attain Self realization. My teacher told me to stay up here for six months, as tapas, and God will reward my efforts granting enlightenment.” The old monk adjusted his ochre woolen 103

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shawl around his shoulders and laughed aloud commenting: “ Attain what? There is absolutely nothing to attain and nothing you can do. Even Reality is a concept. Show me Reality if you can! You are confused, my dear boy, there really is no one to care whether enlightenment is going to happen or not, not even the ego exists. Ponder over this ultimate Truth all your life. In reality there is nothing you can do and nothing to attain or reach as you are already It. All is God and there is nothing but God. So why bother about efforts? Even enlightenment is a concept….and most of all it is a happening by God’s will.” He laughed aloud adding: “Even God is a concept. You projected something as God that does not exist. Ramana Maharshi used to say – Nothing has happened; there has been no creation. –So all we are left with is silence. No mind as even the substance of the mind is God and any thought is prompted by God. All events happen and actions take place, but there is no individual doer, only destiny as a result of the Cosmic Law, which is no other than GOD or the Source. It really is quite useless to go on conceptualizing. The only thing you can do is to carry on a personal investigation on who is the doer and you will surely arrive at the understanding that any action was a happening due to something you had seen, heard or smelled. Self-analysis is the way. In stillness and silence all answers will be given to you from within, that is all that has to be known and everything else is a concept. What if mere bulbs thought they were giving light without realizing that without the electrical current they would not be able to do anything at all? In the sun you see your shadow. It is real to the extent that you can see it, but it is an illusion, as it has no independent existence. The body is a primary illusion and the shadow is a secondary illusion. All this is the total illusion of the great leela. The “LEELA”, God’s play, is the smartest trap we are to dismantle, as also the leela is an illusion “

o’clock, but the shop was closing down, as there were no customers and I saw the owner embarrassed on what to do or not as the brahmachari seemed to be in a world apart. At this point the monk suddenly reappeared and clapped his hands making a great noise, the brahmachari opened his eyes startled and the monk told him, “See you have woken up! In this very moment you are in the present. I’ll tell you a Zen koan: If a man puts a gosling into a bottle and feeds it until it is full-grown, how can the man get the goose out without killing it or breaking the bottle?” A koan is insoluble, you can only dissolve it. In the same way, you are to dissolve your mind full of concepts. A Master has to find a trick to wake you up. Destroy ‘the ego’, hound it, beat it, snub it. Tell the ego to get off and jump into Ganga. Great fun, no doubt, but where is the ego? Must you not find it first? Isn’t there a word about catching your goose before you can cook it? The great difficulty here is that there isn’t one.” The young brahmachari was startled. He was looking so lost that I almost felt like taking him in my arms to cuddle him like a baby. It seemed as if his personality had been totally dismantled. His confusion was ‘perfect order’ and I felt he would soon be happy for the earthquake the senior monk had set him into, as it would eventually result just “perfect divine timing.”

The old monk got up and left the brahmachari brooding over his words totally spaced out. Then he closed his eyes and remained absorbed in nothingness. I sat silently as the monk’s clarity had reached my heart. It was only six 104

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The Avadhoota

words: simplicity, contentment and completeness. He was embodying a life of humility and moderation, and at the age of seventy-eighty years he modeled a pure way of living – simply and honestly – with infinite patience, renunciation and total contentment.

C H A P T E R 17

The Avadhoota

Tao Masters used to instruct their disciples to kill the Buddha if they happened to meet Him. Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’. The only real service we can render to that which we perceive and interpret in phenomenal existence as ‘others’ is by awakening to universal consciousness ourselves.

I was a guest of the tiny ashram that the Chinese had called his Shangri-La. I was quite surprised to notice that also the old monk was staying in the same place as I did. Next day we were in the garden just before lunch. He recognized me as the silent listener of his long talk with the brahmachari and with a few words informed me that the Avadhoota was generally giving his talks at 5 pm every evening. The ashram was small, but well maintained; a cheerful pink colour on the walls had just substituted the original grimy white whitewash. We sat in a narrow rectangular room, which was used as dining, living and prayer hall. The Swami in charge was both sweet and loving and, although he was in silence, we could manage some understanding through glances and smiles or a few words scribbled on a tiny blackboard. He was a ball of peace. One could feel such peace near him, a softness deep in the heart that is difficult to describe but with three 106

Ramanandaji, the young brahmachari dressed in yellow that I had noticed in the chai shop, was also living in the small ashram. He told me he had had great difficulty in finding his actual guru, as in all the teachers he had met, he had found some inconsistencies either in their behaviour, honesty or integrity, but all the wise ones he had met had certainly served as stepping-stones for his spiritual progress, which he thought had landed in safe hands with Sri Sri Ravi Shankara. Now, after his long talk with the old Swami from Kerala, he thought that he had found the perfect fitting concepts, and was sadly brooding over abandoning the actual mentor and guide. He felt that the talk with the old monk could not have been a coincidence; Ramanandaji sincerely believed it was a circumstance sent by God to set him in further discrimination and deeper understanding. The following morning I noticed the pain in the boy’s eyes when he was talking again with the old Kerala Monk and hinting at the unavoidable consequence of having to move away from his previous teacher. The old monk reassured him, “There exists no eternal bond or loyalty to a teacher, as all are mere concepts of being separate.” Ramanandaji inquired why he was suffering and what part of him was suffering. The answer came in a whisper followed by a loud laughter, “You ask me who is suffering? My boy, it is the infamous ego!” Ramanandaji smiled and relaxed. His eyes were glowing in relief and his pores were oozing out a blissful energy. Another inmate of the ashram was Atmanandaji, a fatherly yet elusive figure appearing extremely grounded. He was a commentator of Shankaracharya’s Advaita Vedantic teachings, dedicating his entire time to scriptural truths and to the possibility of practical application. His brimming knowledge of Advaita Vedanta was a cool shower and set any inquiry of the mind at rest. He once told 107

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Ramanandaji and me, “Wisdom is a transparency, an unclouded vision. Wisdom is unclouded by thoughts. Thoughts are like dust on the mirror of your mind. Dust tends to continuously gather even on a bathroom mirror, day and night. So you have to clean it very often. In the same way one has to be even more alert about the inner capacity of reflection. You are to die to the past and be born anew, so you have to constantly cleanse the mind. The function of a Master is to undo what the society has done to you and help to trigger off all the in-grooved tendencies or samskaras. Concepts and theories must be erased. Become an ordinary person with no pretensions, no concepts. In this way wisdom blooms and you’ll be able to live in the moment.”

enormous figure with incredible blue eyes, pale white skin and white hair walked in the small conference room radiating his joy of peace. We were about twenty persons present. The usual hassle around a renown enlightened one did not break the overwhelming impact of a powerful bomb of love and the joy of peace. I was allowed to bow after queuing for a few minutes and when I stood up ready to step back, his glance became piercing for a few fractions of a moment, then I heard: “Oh, you are here! I will see you and talk to you tomorrow.” I turned back to see to whom He was talking and noticed everyone was giggling. Obviously no normal introduction with names and “How do you do?” Just a silent eye-to-eye communion. Then, in a fluid motion another person bowed and I sat squatting down trying to lean against a wall to avoid pain.

Ramanandaji told him that he was afraid to lose control during meditation, so he kindly clarified, “Samadhi is not a dysfunctional state in which one loses one’s faculties. On the contrary, it is the settling into higher consciousness, which attunes one to the surrounding reality. Mental balance is a basic requirement for achieving samadhi. Like a pendulum that has come to rest, the mind ceases to oscillate between extremes. It is not a temporary loss of consciousness nor a temporary heightening of consciousness. Samadhi certainly does not denote an altered state brought on by hysteria. We can recognize the state of samadhi by the effect it has on the person and the attitude one has towards himself and others. Samadhi combines equanimity (sama) and intelligence (dhi). By intelligence it is meant the recognition and fundamental grasping of equality of every being. Not only will all feelings of fear disappear, but even notions such as heat and cold, grief and joy, good and bad, will become meaningless. Samadhi is an often-misunderstood word and freely misapplied. All kinds of emotional upsurges, attacks of hysteria, nervous breakdown, neurotic fits are often extolled and exalted as samadhi. The actual meaning of samadhi is an unruffled and balanced intellect.” Out of the blue the sound of many conches broke the silence, welcoming the time for meeting with the saint who was honoured as an Avadhoota. A peaceful and 108

The saint looked around the room in silence for a while and then said, “For to-night, only a few short comments for you to pin down and brood over, as I have received the news of a good friend of mine arriving from Trivandrum and, if you please excuse me, I would like to spend a few hours with him. But waiting till tomorrow, chewing a few concepts, may help you place before me some more interesting questions tomorrow.” He got up and wrote on the blackboard the following sentences, then walked out silently, but making sure that we were all copying the teachings he had written on the blackboard. •

Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-pane, while the other half of the window is wide open?

•

How many of the disciplines, exercises, practices recommended as helpful, or even necessary, for the attainment of Satori are not in fact consequences of that state erroneously suggested as means?

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There seem to be two kinds of seekers: those who seek to make their ego something other than it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could make a fish un-fish), and those who understand that all such attempts are just gesticulation and playacting, that there is only one thing that can be done, 109

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which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by realizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being. •

We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality.

•

Rather are we Reality Itself illusorily conceived.

•

We do not possess an ‘ego’. We are possessed by the idea of one.

The teaching seemed to have caught our questions without the questions being asked. The answers were to be ruminated and chewed. It was not a thunderbolt, nor an earthquake. I felt he was reflecting our confusion and gave the hints for a better satsang the following day. I walked out in the chilly evening even forgetting to wear my shoes. The mind was awestruck and silent. I wondered around for a while thinking about my years in Puttaparthi and how deeper each meeting was becoming with Sai making me roam alone around India, building and dismantling, setting me in crisis and then pushing me up to Gangotri with a strange and unexpected meeting. I had to admit to myself that I had never chosen or decided anything, all arrived at the right moment. Yes, it was true - I had found myself in certain situations, heard some inputs and actions happened; joys or sorrows flowed naturally in my daily life and I never was in control of anything. I had learned to completely let go and leave God in charge with no mental resistances, but how totally and unquestionably had I accepted? Whenever the ego, plans and doership peeped up again, as not totally uprooted, it was a total disaster. I thought that I had made mistakes, but I was realizing there could never happen a mistake and all had to be the way it flowed into this play I was not even reciting. I surely had to brush up and ponder over and over again many aspects of the investigation but the incidents and the teachings were growing in depth and this brought great calm. All was signaling the need to increase my attention to details, which kept on signaling and stressing the importance of engaging in ever-deeper inquiry and move into increasingly wider realms of Truth and Reality. 110

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The clue was living in the present accepting all as God’s play and meeting whatever was in store as karmic loops, or wrong thoughts, with detachment and non-involvement. The technique appeared to be only one, constant Selfinquiry asking myself, “Who is giving me thoughts? Who is the prompter of any action or plan? Was I ever the doer?” The Hindus who had always believed in predestination were surely more facilitated by the environmental conditioning, but for a Westerner brought up as the doer, it was more complicated dismantling and reconditioning the mind. Whenever I got distracted from personal investigation, the thinking mind would grasp the reins again and the involvement made me suffer even more. The teachings I had met on the way served as a preparation for a deeper kind of letting go of my self-conceived project to “achieve” enlightenment, as I was taught to watch God eating, seeing and speaking, but now I felt the need and the urge to go deeper and deeper. I had no expectations and enjoyed being in such a stimulating company up in Gangotri. Ganga was the epicenter of all our attention during the day and I intuitively knew that this great saint’s presence and his establishment in truth could further help my Self-discovery. I knew that I was born alone, would die alone and no one could make it for me, yet a clue, a push or a spark of truth always reaches us at the right moment and if properly chewed and pondered, such meetings had always helped me to shift from stagnation in-between two levels of understanding. Each step led nearer and nearer to the re-discovery of the Truth that we are. All steps were necessary and no mistake was ever done. The next day at 5pm Atmanandaji was sent to look for me. We walked up to a room where the Avadhoota was sitting amidst the small group. I folded my hands in the traditional namaste gesture, uncertain if I would have to bow or not. A wink of the eye was the answer in total silence. It was better to sit in silence, as I was late. I am shy and remained at the back trying to squat on the cold floor with legs like a frog, so that my hips would not hurt, and I remained immobile watching something that appeared as a glow around the saint’s body, an halo of peace and sweetness. 111

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The Avadhoota

He joyfully asked whether we had any questions, piercing each one of us with his unfathomable blue eyes. The Kerala old monk intervened making all of us laugh: “Now you will ask –To whom do doubts appear? Who is asking the question? Am I right?” After this preintervention no one ventured to ask anything, so I simply said: “In the presence of my teacher I often have moments when the mind becomes suffused with a purple colour and becomes totally blank, but the “I” thought, or personal identification, has never left me. Actually after every experience of bliss, instead of silence, even more doubts and questions increase or resurface. Your advice please.”

unequivocally acquire a state of mind where it may happen that the experience where there is no experiencer, pure objectless being, may be given. During this experience there is only suka shanti, the joy of peace, but once you feel ananda, it means that the supreme state has been covered again by the experiencer enjoying the experience.

“All you have to do, Sandra, is to grab the ‘I am I’ thought by the tail, be still and quiet and stabilize in this state where there is no thought. In that stillness, the Self will swallow up the ‘I’ thought.” We all giggled and he proceeded, “The mind must die. The mind is a dust collector, an accumulation of repetitive memories. The mind means the past, which is dead and done with. The mind means anxiety about the future, which is not here. To look directly into Reality you have to put your mind to rest as it distorts everything. There is no other way to realize the Self.” I asked which were the techniques he had personally used and the answer was, “Stillness, quietness, inquiry and surrender are the ingredients. The effortless thought free state is the condition where the Self can swallow up the “I” thought. Then the Self will be revealed. This can only happen and out of God’s grace. None of your doing. Your only effort is to surrender the idea of being the individual doer. God is the only doer. All happens by His will and the program for this life is stored in your genes and DNA. Also the environment where you were born and the conditioning received since birth, were never a chance, yet they were never under your control. These are all inputs given by God for His play to unfold. Actions happen as a result of a thought and a biological reaction. As you are not the doer, consequently also others are not the doers of any action, therefore there are no others, but only God. Once you accept, totally accept this truth, you 112

“You have already gone through various stages of the teaching. Yet equanimity of mind is only a stage and also seeing everything as God is only a further stage, as it entails an ‘I’ to see and, as long as that ‘I’ exists, also the mind exists. In the Self there is only seeing.” At this point Ramanandaji expressed his core question, “How can I be sure if I do not experience my Reality?” “The Self is always present: there is no question of experiencing or realizing It. You cannot reach or attain It, as you already are the Self. Plus, you as a ‘me’ (ego), do not exist at all and you never were, never are and never will be the doer of any action. All is God and therefore all that happens cannot be but perfect and timely. Nothing exists apart the Self. Everything in the Universe is in a state of perfection. Every object is perfect as it is and all objects are perfect in their interdependence. Even a blade of grass has its own importance and uniqueness, which ultimately is illusory: its phenomenal form is the Self’s unreal and illusory aspect, while the true nature of the Self is invisible.” I grabbed the pause and inquired if I were to practice a technique, and the answer came in a loud, sweet and understanding tone, “Sandra Ma, in this period your egomind always asks if a guru and the practice of a technique are necessary components to proceed. For the search to begin there is no need of a guru, but for the seeking to progress – yes, there must be a teacher. The Self uses the agent of a guru. Practically and in truth the real game is: The Self is speaking to the Self and instructing Himself. “What appears to be two is actually a single movement in the sum-total of the Self. The guru, having shed his ego does not see himself as separate, while the seeker does, as 113

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the ego is still present. The guru’s grace is also part of the phenomenon. Whether this happens or not is also part of the seeming personal destiny, which is an encoding in totality. Whatever happens, whatever the consequences – it is destined and in accordance with God’s will, and an intricate-interwoven plan usually called Cosmic Law. God and the Cosmic Law are one and the same. There are various levels of understanding and they happen at the appropriate moment. In your case practice only brought pain and God found the way out bringing you here to heal your sense of guilt and doubts. You felt guilty as you were not able to practice due to your spondilitis and arthritis, but as you have the idea that only if you practice it may happen, then practice personal investigation on who is the doer of all your actions during the day. Not even this practice can guarantee anything, and enlightenment may happen whether you practice it or not, as it may happen only if it is God’s plan and will and in His perfect timing.

The sense of relief and the clarity that followed made my entire being suffused with peace and a few tears of joy secretly came rolling down my cheeks. Our second meeting was over. I sat outside on a rock overlooking Ganga pinning down notes on the content of the teaching just received using a candle light to see better, as there was no electricity. Ganga impassibly went on flowing and gushing out on the white rocks, the night was cold, but there was a special calmness reigning all around. I recognized that: “I had been like a wasp and had spent all these years in a fruitless attempt to traverse a windowpane, while the other half of the window was always wide open.”

“Now tell me, Sandra Ma, if you met God and He offered you to ask for only one boon, what would you ask for?” “I sat silent. I could not find one thought in my mind, I was trying hard, but there was only emptiness, nothingness and no request. Eventually I mumbled, “Constant integrated awareness.” The Saint must have felt a flash of compassion; he smiled and asked what would change in my life if one day I would experience constant integrated awareness. I sat numb and silent till he continued.

I had received all the correct teachings, but the full import was dawning only now. Totally accepting there could exist a spontaneous living, or being lived by God was the answer to all my questions. No longer a thinker, a doer, an experiencer, or a mere mirror to the whole happening that is called life. Wholeness is true holiness. Non-volitional living and silent identification with nonbeing meant Self-realization, the awakening or sudden enlightenment.

“If I were you I would ask for a state of mind where there would be nothing to ask anyone and nothing to even ask God. “You often wonder about the necessity of practicing, as you understood merging is a happening, and I wish you had clear that the effort to inquire should be there, even if it is not the effort that brings about the experience, nor it is a specific technique, but God’s grace when you are ready for it. Before one becomes established in the Self without any breaks, one has to contact and enjoy the Self many times, and only then one may finally become permanently established without any breaks.” 114

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C H A P T E R 18

Dayanandaji’s Story

Wherever there are others there is a self, Wherever there are no others there can be no self, Wherever there is no self there are no others, Because in the absence of self I am all others.

While I was brooding over the essence of the Avadhoota’s clarifications, the old Kerala monk with that enchanting French accent joined me and sat silent for a while looking up at the intense blue of the sky where stars were playing hide and seek with the clouds. When I felt he was present near me and may be eager to exchange a few words I could not refrain from asking his name and his story. “I was born in France from a Tamil family and came to India in 1950 when I was still in my early teens and Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi was still in the body. I lived in Arunachala, in his presence, for a long period, and then I went back to France, got married but soon divorced. In the meantime Maharshi left his body. After some months, one night I got drunk and returning home, I had a dramatic car accident where I lost consciousness. I remember traveling free from the body between clouds and ascending at great speed when I met Maharshi in his subtle form. He 116

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told me it was not my time and that I had to return to earth where I would meet the Master capable of transforming my wavering mind. After this short admonition I found myself in a hospital bed with neck and both legs in plaster. Months went by where I was forced to lie quiet, as any movement would increase the pain. So, in that forced stillness, I could only watch life and its import. I learned to watch my breath, feeling that the only reality was that ‘I AM’, and when the ‘AM’ disappeared there remained only the ‘I’. Twenty-five years ago I came back to India and found myself roaming from teacher to teacher, from ashram to ashram, from lecture to lecture. Whatever path I was on, shifting here and there, I always was convinced that it was the very best. I had met great enlightened beings, but I soon also realized how Truth, when embodied, often appears paradoxical or contradictory. Difficult to live near a realized one as totally incomprehensible. However, the moment I realized, that what we are after is not outside ourselves – however great the Teachers we happen to be with, as long as our mind is curious about outside things, we will never feel complete and satisfied. You have to wait till the thirst for realization becomes so strong, that you can shun everything and enter into yourself. But there should not be any feeling of disgust, but the strength of the inner magnet. At a certain point I found myself in Puttaparthi. During darshans I was in total bliss. Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba became and still is my light and guide. I basked in His light and wisdom for three years, with a few absences to retreat in Arunachala and Rishikesh where I still enjoyed meeting many other teachers. As a bee absorbs the pollen I saw Sai push me here and there drinking in all I had to absorb and once I was full, the teaching would become obsolete and I would be forced by strange forces to move on to other flowers. I really enjoyed investigating my true nature in the presence of teachers and I was not ready to give up any opportunity to deepen my understanding through communion with the teachers I was meeting. After three years, Sai threw me out of the ashram with a futile excuse. 117

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As I was shocked and desperate, but the same night, Sai came in my dream to tell me: ‘Happiness happens when pain fructifies. All that you want is inside you. In due time the grace of my darshans will fructify due to longing and yearning. You will feel intense desire and you will intensify your practice limiting it to constant inward personal investigation. If you stop fearing God it is more than likely that you will start loving God. Generate enough power within you and avoid going out. Nobody can give you anything on a plate; so do not seek for any further teacher. You will get nothing from outside; you will discover your own Self within, by your own effort and through pain and disillusion, which are clear signs of My grace. It is a joke that you can give up volition by an act of volition! Who is to let go? The ‘letting-go’ can only happen as a result of the clear understanding of the difference between what-we-are and what we-appear-to-be. The man of wisdom is devoid of thought even when he is thinking; he is devoid of sense organs even while he is using them; he is devoid of intellect even though he is endowed with it. He is devoid of ego, even though he posses it. This is my special blessing. Why carry your luggage when you are being transported by a vehicle? Listen, Maharshi never went here and there, he lived in Arunachala and stayed most of the time in his ashram mandir. He did not travel around India seeking here and there trying to get something from others. Follow his example. As long as you do not see the futility of such a search, your search will not come to an end. Now find any place where you can be in stillness. Ramana Maharshi has written eleven verses describing the misery of the seeker where he stresses that there never was such ‘thing’ as an individual, and that the whole ‘thing’ was impersonal. And yet he had the compassion to see that, due to the intricate mind’s mechanisms, the individual seeker can be extremely miserable, therefore he underlined that from the individual point of view, the only encouragement would be to know that the mind has already turned inwards, therefore there is no escape, your head is already in the tiger’s mouth. As the Atman is pure and without a second, one cannot experience the Atman, phenomenally, as an independent

entity. Bangaru -piece of gold- now you go and do whatever you like, but avoid big organizational work. Be happy and remember that to be enlightened is to be able to accept with equanimity anything in life, at any moment, as God’s will.’”

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Knowing a little about Sai’s ways, I giggled with pure tenderness and loving oneness at his lovely story and asked how he had found himself wearing ochre robes. So he briefly added, “In Arunachala I was instructed in the Vedas and received Sannyas. I am now called Swami Dayanand, I have found a nook in Kerala near Cochin on the way to Munnar where I retreat. It is a nice hilly area with cardamom and rubber tree plantations, very green with dots of red here and there as even the hibiscuses flourish under God’s care. You may call it an ashram or a hermitage, but for me it is simply my nest, my home on earth. I only come to Gangotri in the hot month of May and go back when monsoons start to remain in silence for the rest of the year with the only exceptions of Navaratri celebrations that I spend in Arunachala at Ramana’s ashram and the 23 rd of November in Puttaparthi for Bhagawan’s Birthday, as in that crowd He allows me to still have His darshan, once a year, and I am content. I have no disciples; in the ashram there are only five Indian inmates. God takes care of all our needs, nothing is ever missing. All is given at the right moment. Amazing, as it may seem, try to experience God’s protection and surrender will become easy. My journey, which had enlightenment as the main target, was forced and guided totally by the overpowering and only Reality, the energy we call God or Consciousness. All dualities disappear when the time is ripe. All the words and opposites I once held as separate, like discipline, play or detachment and bondage are all part of this wonderful leela and I choose none of them nor reject none of them. They are part of the whole. This nonselection gave me peace. This state of no-preference and no forced choice between opposites, but acceptance of it all finally has settled me in contentment. Contentment has brought expansion in love.” His eyes were gleaming and I looked away, as his story was also mine, but I still did not want to recognize the pitfalls.”

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We both remained silent watching the eternal flow of Ganga and I wondered at how Her powerful energy attracts and unites funny gods, calling themselves seekers, from a variety of paths, as if all part of Her own family, which She wants to reunite revealing the ultimate Truth. There is always so much to learn and ponder. Aspects you never thought important become mountains blocking our way till we solve them or at least recognize them and accept them. Dayanandaji’s story obviously gave me some hints on my own blockages and, laughing about our similar idiosyncrasies, I felt free. His purity, simplicity and wisdom were of great support and example. His struggle and path quite unique, his way of laughing about it all made me feel one with him and a subtle current of respect and understanding became deeper and deeper as days went by.

C H A P T E R 19

Melting All Confusion in The Fire of Knowledge

“We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as a notion.”

The next day we all again sat around the Avadhoota and this was the last satsang I attended: “Quantum physics reveals and supports the ancient beliefs put forth by Eastern Vedantic teachings that we live in a world of illusion, there exists only energy, and the statement that the physical world is one interacting whole, as both particle and wave are made of the same substance. Quantum physics explains that each cell of our body is made of molecules, each molecule is made of atoms; in turn electrons, neutrons and protons constitute atoms. Quantum physics clearly emphasizes that there is no objective physical reality at all, and what the educated world was taught to perceive as real simply does not exist. It further highlights that matter is nothing more than a series of patterns out of focus, and subatomic particles are not made of energy, but energy itself. We know we can convert matter into energy and the reverse is also true; 120

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energy can be converted into matter. Light can either be considered a wave or a stream of particles. We know that photons carry energy, and that the amount of energy carried by a photon is proportional to the frequency of the light; that is, the higher the wave frequency, the more energy it carries. For example, X-rays and ultraviolet light have high frequency and high energy, while radio waves and infrared waves have low frequency and low energy.

energy, is indeed in all things, animate and inanimate, light is both the medium and the message and that, at the subatomic level, being all points in space essentially the same, nothing is actually separate from anything else. All is one unbroken wholeness and everything is interconnected.

According to the new scientific quantum thought, all matter and we ourselves consist of forms of light or pure energy. A renowned vibrational medicine physician has interestingly described all matter as frozen light, which having been slowed down, has become solid. Therefore, if our bodies may symbolically be described as frozen light, they also maintain the characteristics of light, a detail underlying that bodies have a certain frequency, which involves the understatement that matter is light or energy of a higher density. Basing our understanding on modern physics’ implications, we are to conclude that human beings are made of light held in matter and their bodies pure energy fields made up of segments of vibration. In clear cut terms, the body seen through the tremendous magnification of an electron-scanning microscope, appears as nothing but emptiness, light or energy, and certainly not a solid object, just a projection of God’s mind, a rhythm of the universal beat. No solidity at all, just dynamic individual patterns of concentrated energy throbbing and vibrating at incredible speed.

This holistic approach of Quantum physics mirrors the Vedantic teaching that everything is energy dancing in form, and that the dance is a continuous weaving of the form and the formless. The highest Truth that we are one with nature, born out of the same process, not separate entities, is the theme of the most ancient Vedantic Scriptures.

Nobel Prize winner, David Bohm, has written an extremely interesting treatise about what he calls the implicate order of the holographic universe. This concept suggests that the entire universe is an ever-changing cosmic hologram, which is layered with information, each single layer holds a higher order of information and that each higher order is enfolded in an aspect of space and time. The higher order may be translated into Consciousness or God. Further, as all that exists is a hologram, every segment also contains information about the entire universe or rather that the universe is within us. Quantum physics affirms that Consciousness, as pure

The Vedas have no describable origin and are timeless. No one can establish the exact dates when the Vedas were first heard or recited; hence they are considered as eternal. The Vedas need no support, as they support themselves. In fact it is said that the Vedas are God’s breath and the Vedic teachings originated in God’s breath and that the Rishis, the ancient sages, received this knowledge in the silence of higher consciousness. The Rishis’ highly attuned awareness enabled them to perceive these sounds from the subtle ethers and they repeated them orally to their disciples, as their learning involved only oral communication, not written words. This knowledge was not formulated by the Rishis, but was the result of direct revelation and not the result of either study or reading. The Vedas are the earliest evidence of the triumph of man over himself, his breakthrough to the underlying unity in all creation and his pulsating contact with unifying Truth. The Vedas assert that God is the inner reality of all beings, all is enveloped by God, all ‘this’ is God and the universe is an organic and relational process, a multidimensional network of jewels, each one containing the reflection of all others with mutual interpenetration and interdependence of everything. The Vedas affirm that the universe is the paramount harmony of intricate patterns. The central opinion of this organic view of the universe is that the cosmos is inherent in each pattern and every point may be regarded as the centre of a circle with

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circumference nowhere, while the limited vision of the split mind of the illusory individual entity sees only each pattern separate and by itself, section by section.

Reality is a concept and also enlightenment is a concept. Consciousness as Noumenon is potential energy and when energy activates itself, it becomes Consciousness in movement. Still it is nothing other than energy, either in its potential form or in its activized form. Once the understanding happens, there will be no need of any further words. The only reality is silence. Accepting the authenticity of impersonal functioning of the ‘Whole’, as entirely God’s leela, is the highest mark of devotion. All is God. There is nothing but God. The highest and infinite ego is our reality and not separate or far: we are energy, we are bliss, we are God or Consciousness, however you wish to call It.

Imagine a painting - two or three miles long and a hundred stories high. With the human limited sight, however far back you may go, you will only be able to see a certain portion of the painting and not the whole. Similarly the human mind is incapable of knowing reality except as an intuitive insight, not by reasoning. Actually it is exactly when reasoning stops that this intuition may happen. To fathom this transcendental ocean of Truth we have to abandon the reasoning of the conceptual mind, as it cannot comprehend the subconscious and conscious dimensions of the Vedic verses. Only by rising into the rarefied air of higher consciousness, can one hope to grasp the actual truth embodied in the ancient Vedic verses. The mystery of this world and of the worlds beyond is elaborated in the texts, which are called Atharva Veda. The mind is the screen hiding our own reality and the secrets of creation. When you go out into the sun, you see your shadow. The shadow is there; it is real to the extent that you can see it, but it is an illusion in the sense that it has no independent existence. Your body itself, which seems so solid, is the primary illusion within the total illusion of this manifestation. All is Consciousness, all is pure energy, and there is nothing for the individual to achieve or think unless Consciousness makes it possible, yet Consciousness Itself is the very culprit, prompting an individual mind to think and believe that it can think and be the doer.

Whatever has appeared in manifestation cannot have an existence of its own, therefore what has appeared is a mere reflection of the basic ground; realizing this truth and seeing this oneness is enlightenment.” The talk was over, and no one had the courage to move, so I calmly bowed and informed I was leaving. The saint seemed to have withdrawn within himself, not caring at all if any understanding had happened in the listeners. He simply whispered, “JAGAT”

Manifestation is a spontaneous concurrent appearance in Consciousness, within Consciousness, brought about by Consciousness. Contrary to inanimate objects like a stone or a rock, animate beings are endowed with sentience. The sense of individuality and separateness arises because of sentience, which gives a sense of being present. In addition to this sentience, which is present also in animals, human beings are endowed with an intellect, which helps in interpreting what is cognized.

I packed and silently prepared to leave that nest of wisdom suspended over all worldly clouds. Swami Dayanand came to say goodbye, and invited me to join him in Kerala whenever I felt like…as long as I did not bring my mind along! On the way back to Uttarkashi I sat at the back of an old rattling Ambassador, admiring the enchanting views and feeling grateful to the life I had been offered, and I felt it as the best prayer. God had never answered my prayers when I asked for something worldly, and when I asked for wisdom, He only gave me problems to solve. When I asked for love, He only gave me people to help. God had never answered exactly my prayers, and gave me nothing I ever desired, but He gave me everything. I could find no words to thank Sai for all the grace He was pouring into my life. The odyssey of enlightenment was not my problem any longer. It was God’s own problem and doing. Why should I worry, who was there to worry?

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I looked back at the snowy peaks of the Himalayas that I was leaving behind and wondered if it had all happened or it was a mere dream in the dream. These few days at the extreme North of the Himalayas had set the beginning of a new attitude to life and the apperception of the inner path had received a great push, a totally new drive. The stages I had gone through, devotion to the teachers with form, effort and striving for the goal using spiritual practices and studying the teachings, were the correct steps as willed by God. Then the slow, but steady shift in the firm recognition of my true nature through correct knowledge and continued practice was only a God willed consequence. From these stepping stones to only personal inquiry and constant investigation were the foot prints I was now suggested to follow by the great and unique inner guru who had made me roam from one corner to the other of sacred Bharat and THE TEACHING. I relaxed in the back seat of the car and witnessed a few words coming out from my heart, “Thanks God I am not the doer.” I felt so relieved and tranquil that I must have shifted into a natural meditation mood with my eyes open. The sunset was bathing the Himalayan peaks in gold. The breathtaking views were overlapping each other, when I realized that I had seen a shadow-like figure between the fir trees winking at me. I will never know if it was a rock shaped as a human being, a vision or reality, anyhow, as these were the places where Babaji often appeared, my thoughts gratefully went to Him and all the enlightened Masters clearing the understanding. I smiled, feeling totally complete and contented. Thank You Sai.

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C H A P T E R 20

The Inner World Reflects on the Outer One

What do you have to do? Pack your bags, go to the station without them, catch the train, and leave your self behind.

On the 7th of July 2005 the telephone rang and I was informed that Ganga Ma had swollen so much that it had gulped in the garden right in front of my Uttarkashi house. Contemplating for 18 years and reasoning through the teachings made me apperceive how perfect the script, the actors and any circumstance, including the painful ones, and how suka shanthi, the joy of peace, was to be found in the total acceptance of God’s will and in total acceptance and recognition of God as the sole doer of any action, both while I was unaware and now that I paid attention to all minimum details investigating constantly on all that happened. Predestination and free will were the root cause of the apparent conflict and the theme throughout the entire period. They were the clouds obscuring Reality. The teachings God gave me through His appointed agents fueled an inquiry into one of the most crucial questions one may have to face: was or is there a cause and effect 127

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relationship between effort and enlightenment or is the latter predestined and willed by the Absolute and therefore no seeking and nothing to attain? Can we hasten speeding up the journey through practicing hard, by serving the Guru traveling around continents to receive the Guru’s grace? Was the clinging to the Guru’s beloved form a mere obstruction to progress? What pain these questions brought into my life and how light and peaceful one feels once each and every step of our life and evolution is apperceived as willed by the Almighty Lord who graciously acted as Gurus and this “me” faring along the safe path back to the annihilation of the “me”, the ego as a doer. What peace. All is so perfect and timely in God’s plan.

Part IV

The Final Harbour: Advaita

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C H A P T E R 21

The Happening of a Meeting

With Gratefulness to the Sadguru within and without. To the sense of being alive and present, the “I AM.”

In the past seven years Ramesh S. Balsekar’s books kept on arriving in my hands. The first one was Consciousness Speaks, and my mind gulped it in. There was such a feeling of awe that I read it again and again. I immediately found another two books, Your Head in the Tiger’s Mouth, and Confusion no More. All was so poignantly clear and precise. His teachings so delightfully humorous that it made life appear so clear and simple. After two years of brooding over his books a thought came that I would have liked to have the blessing of a personal meeting, so I hoped Ramesh’s address would appear from somewhere. In May 2004, while I was in the Himalayas I read Who Cares? And a brainstorm happened. Concepts from 18 years of search were being crushed. From the pages of the book an almost-full clarity dawned, leaving me totally spaced out for days. Bewilderment kept my glaze glued to the flow of Mother Ganga for hours on 130

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end. It seemed as if some Higher Force had used Cosmic scissors and was setting some order, cutting and sorting all spiritual topics into new mind-folders and I could enjoy an aerial view linking all relative sub-topics. It was a condensed recapitulation, a totally new approach happening at astonishing rapidity. There was a bubbling joy and lightness for the yearned clarity. Soon after, I found his Bombay address, without even having to look for it. It happened in Gangotri, at one of the highest peeks of the Himalayas, near the source of Mother Ganga, who is well known to be a dispeller of ignorance.

imbedded confusion poured out spontaneously, as if I were talking to the innermost ‘I’, my best friend, giggling and crying out of joyous relief from the claws of confusion. I believe it had to be washed out properly. When I bowed in gratitude, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, I heard Ramesh say, “What you received today, listening to my concepts is a new conditioning, but if the past conditioning is to be erased by this new conditioning, it is only a happening willed by God or Cosmic Law.”

One of the factors of the astonishment was that Ramesh’s explanations were all linking up to a dream I had had seven years prior where Sri Sathya Sai Baba gave me some personal teachings on Truth. The ‘dream teachings’ were contrasting with His normal “dos and don’ts” and His usually expounded concepts on karma and reincarnation. I had kept wondering if dreams were imagination, or another dream in the dream. Now, after reading Ramesh Balsekar’s new book, I could see where Sai Baba was leading me in that private upadesa dream. The linking and resonance of the teachings started to dispel all doubts and the confusion was slowly dissolving. The energy of the Himalayan Hermitages is so powerful: somehow it all happens. We may think nothing is happening just by sitting in silence looking at Mother Ganga flowing down tumultuously, but how wrong we are. All we need is silence, stillness, and openness to receive from the inner Sadguru. In June I started planning to go and meet Ramesh S. Balsekar in Bombay next September, when monsoon would be over, and Bombay far more agreeable, as far as humidity and heat, but Consciousness’ plan was different and on the 27th of June, out of the blue, I found myself at the airport inquiring for a reduced fare to Bombay and immediately found a flight at half price for the next day. As a robot, without thoughts, I packed, found a Hotel near enough to Kemps Corner, and flew for my first satsang with Ramesh. While on the airplane, I asked myself if I had questions and could not find any, but during the satsang all the 132

The realized Sage knows that most people, at odd moments in their lives, may have had glimpses of Sukha Shanthi, the joy of peace, or flashes of ‘absence of suffering’, and although the experience is fluctuating, it works like the carrot for the donkey, giving restlessness and pungent dissatisfaction, as that peaceful state of mind, not being constant, is mischievously eluding us by playing hide and seek. Ramesh explains and asserts that Sukha Shanthi, is a concrete possibility for everyone and encourages us by sharing that the secret is simply ‘getting rid of the obstacles, which prevent the constant joy of peace from being established.’ Ramesh points out that the spiritual seeking simply means discovering how to get rid of fear and suffering in order to be able to enjoy the presence of peace we have been seeking since we were born, and he stresses that confusion will totally disappear, and “for ever”, only when Consciousness awakens. When Consciousness is awakened, the flip-flop between happiness and unhappiness, which is merely a mental and emotional suffering, ceases to bother us. Ramesh goes even deeper stating that the goal of the quest is not imaginary or far away from our daily living, and is in fact part of the seeker’s daily ordinary life. Whenever we happen to discover what it is that is being sought - the constant joy of peace - we have to find out what is obstructing the happening of that constant peace. Ramesh explains that any personal investigation would quickly reveal that the obstacle is a thought, and that the arising of any thought is absolutely not in our control. Thoughts come and thoughts disappear, and if we simply witness them, we are not trapped in the ripples of their 133

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constant flow. On this particular subject I had read that a famous physicist had explained that any thought happening anywhere is the actualizing of a particular probability among thousands of probabilities, and, therefore, not in the control of the individual concerned. Normally the kind of thoughts that shatter our attempts and foundations to enjoy Suka Shanthi, are thoughts concerning how to handle our own life, which are immediately countered by some other thoughts suggesting the solution for the (as a) problem created by the earlier thoughts coming from memory, which may be labeled as “conscience-ethics, scruples”. Thoughts sprout from desires, needs, hopes, wanting, striving and trying to attain what eludes us, in the firm belief that certain worldly things or different situations and circumstances could give us the lasting joy and peace we are frantically chasing after. Ramesh stresses one has no control over this flow of thoughts and the advice is the ‘witnessing of the happening of thoughts without resisting them’, nor feeling guilty about their flux, nor trying to suppress them. He gave me the most soul stirring advice, “If you happen to meet God and He offers you only one boon, the best answer would be, God give me that state of mind where there is nothing to ask from anyone, not even from You.”

caught in the net of memory. It is only when the mind is still, tranquil, not seeking any solution, any answer, neither resisting nor avoiding, that it is capable of receiving the truth - that which is eternal, timeless, immeasurable. You cannot go in search for it, it comes to you; what liberates is the truth, not your effort to be free.

The next question is HOW to have a state of mind where there is nothing to expect from others and nothing to ask God? Ramesh asserts that life is like a deep river, flowing incessantly, whereas most of us, prefer the security and stagnancy of the little pools beside the river, while change, unceasing change, is the very basis of life and living. To let life flow, in general terms, means that we should go about our daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based on the total basic understanding that nothing at all can happen unless it is supposed to happen and in accordance with one’s destiny or Cosmic Law. What happens in life is that the challenge is always new, but our response is old because it is formed on the past, which is memory. Experiencing with memory is one state, but experiencing without memory is altogether different. A new thought or an inspiration can happen only when the mind is not

There are examples of many who have been accepted by the world as ‘Sages’, having finished the treasure hunt and who live in total peace and harmony. How it unfolds can be clearly seen in the way these Sages live their own lives, from moment to moment, enjoying our same pleasures and suffering the same kind of pains that we are all subjected to, but the difference is that the life of a Sage is anchored in peace and harmony. What have the Sages changed? The Sage lives his life, carrying on his daily tasks, and takes his responsibilities seriously and nothing changes in his regular daily work in order to earn a living like anyone else. Yet it can be clearly seen that his face is usually without anxiety, his body usually relaxed, and he enjoys his own acute sense of humour that is so enchanting and attractive. When advice is sought, the Sage counsels with an astonishing sense of

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As what really totally shatters the experiences of harmony is either the restlessness for some sense of guilt or frustration for something one “did or did not do” or the load of hatred and resentment for what others “did or did not do” to us. We must investigate deeper and deeper on this innate sense of doership. What does it mean? It means that the ego in most people ‘thinks’ that it is the sole responsible subject, acting and doing things as it chooses which even gives the power and will to judge and condemn oneself and others for whatever happens. These mental and emotional attitudes, these negative patterns suddenly emerge from the depth of the subconscious bringing suffering and painful memories that block the harmony that was about to unfold in Consciousness. Is it at all possible to give up the sense of personal doership so that one can be anchored in the experience of Suka Shanthi while facing life from moment to moment? Ramesh’s reassuring answer is, “Yes.”

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humility and compassion. We see the Sage as someone transparently open, without any cleverness at all and, yet, we are fully aware that the Sage is obviously no one’s fool! We are is so impressed by the personality of the Sage, by his total simplicity and naturalness that we wish to be in his company as frequently as possible to simply enjoy the Suka Shanthi he radiates enveloping also all present around him.

but the seeking happened. There is seeking, but no individual seeker. There is doing, but no individual doer. In a nutshell, this is the end of the seeker, and the end of the seeking can be brought about only by that Power, which started the seeking. In other words, by the grace of the Source that started the treasure hunt. Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita tells Arjuna, “Surrender to Me and I will save you from all sins that you cannot help think you are doing.” But the joke is even the surrendering is not in your control. Why? Because so long as there is an individual who says “I surrender,” there is a surrendererthere is an individual ego!”

Ramesh uses the river as an apt metaphor for his concept that no one is a doer but rather all actions are happenings ordained by the One Source, who some refer to as God or Consciousness. To perceive ourselves as the doers is like the river thinking that it is pushing itself onwards to the sea, or the sea thinking that the tides are its own doing – totally oblivious of the fact that is the gravitational force of the moon that is responsible for their ebb and flow. To let life flow, in general terms, means that we should go about our daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based on the total basic understanding that nothing at all can happen unless it is supposed to happen according to one’s destiny, according to the Cosmic Law. Ramesh also gives us a clear comparison: “Ever since a baby is born and seeks its mother’s breast intuitively, life is nothing but seeking, yet this seeking is done instinctively, automatically, without the need of thoughts. The question arises – Who is the seeker? Are we in control of our seeking? If seeking is a natural process belonging to nature, could we then say that maybe ‘We think that we are the seeker, but the truth is that we are not the seekers’ - Therefore, if we are not the seeker, who is? The answer could be that in reality there is no seeker as such, but instead an impulsive, in-built need to seek something that has been programmed within us. Spiritual seeking begins with an individual ego — seeker — seeking enlightenment or Self-realization, as an object, which will give more pleasure than one can ever imagine getting from the material world. That is where it starts. The seeking by the ego for enlightenment cannot end with intellectual understanding, but only with the absolute understanding intuited in the heart that there never was a seeker or a doer—there never was a seeker 136

What changes are sought? What are the main discomforts in daily living even if one does not really pursue a specific spiritual goal? Whenever I have met a true realized Master for me it was always quite natural to ask, “What did you do to be like what you are? What made you as you are?” The answer was always almost the same and it was given in utter and simple humility, “I did nothing, it happened by God’s grace”. And I knew they all really genuinely meant it as they all had the total acceptance of the Source or God as the sole doer. This acceptance was, also the root cause for their total simplicity and trust. Realized Sages and Masters will not fail reminding us with total confidence that we are to trust that nothing happens due to our individual efforts, but to Consciousness’ will, and according to Its Cosmic Lawwithout any exception. All use different approaches and different terms to express this Truth and most probably it clicks immediately or it doesn’t depending on the programming of our mind structure, and the predetermined moment to see through the clouds of ignorance or recurring ripples of confusion. I had been hearing and reading about the very same basic Truth for years, but it clicked only under Ramesh clear and consequential exposition. This new understanding brought an end to all the destructive concepts that the ‘responsibility issue’ had accumulated on the surface of 137

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the thinking mind, and after the wisdom-shower of the Sage, I started my own process of linking all the threads back to the original statement, “I was never the doer. Thy will, not mine.”

arguments and competition. When conflicts begin to occur with increasing frequency and intensity, the end result is often a hurting divorce, or a break in partnership. Then each partner may feel that the next relationship will be better, yet the same pattern appears with other partners and the ideal relationship evaporates as utopia. When the illusion is realized, the interactions among human beings usually end up in frustration. Is there anything to improve this dramatically unhealthy situation? The core of the matter turns out to be that intimate human relationships are basically not different from any relationship between one ‘me’ and the ‘other’. The answer lies in seeking the basis of any and every relationship: an office colleague, or any animal that surrounds us, is truly no different from any other intimate relationship. What happens? The ‘other’ does something that you do not like, and likes and dislikes must necessarily be different in different people. The only way to have comfortable relationships - formal or intimate – may concretize when both persons concerned are able to accept that the ‘other person’ and everyone else in the world, has a different programming from the Source, and it is this inner programming that unfolds in one’s life. In other words, it is this same psyche that dictates to the ego (or mind) how to behave, act and react in life following inner and outer conditioning and biological impulses, which are translated into mental thoughts and emotional biological reactions.

Ramesh says, “Whenever there is something for me to do in my daily living, I shall, of course, make a decision on what to do and how to do it. Having made the decision, the results are not in my hands and will depend entirely on the Will of God. This enables me to live more comfortably without any stress and strain for the result of ‘my action’. Whatever the result, again depends entirely upon God’s Will. This is what Sages call a happening - the consequences - good, bad or indifferent – are mere destiny and all one can really “do” is to accept.” The belief due to long years of the conditioning received, that we are responsible for the results of our actions, may hamper the total acceptance of this fresh “conditioning” of the mind, and even if one may be convinced by what the Sage tells us and by his shining peace, we may fall back into the old patterns. So, we have to surrender and recognize that total acceptance is not our doing either. Another question may also arise when we are truly convinced that we are not the doers and no one else is one either: how can we live our life in a society, which simply will not accept this fatalistic attitude? Ramesh agrees that this is a valid difficulty. Therefore he assures us, “All you have to do is to live your life, as if you are the doer. Life continues to be what it was, while a very big change happens in your own personal attitude to life, which truly means that you are comfortable with yourself and comfortable with others, whatever happens in life.” Nothing may be termed worldly, all is spiritual, so let us face coherently today’s relationships’ dire crisis. In practical daily living, a human being hardly ever lives alone and we are to take care of the interwoven relationships and develop them harmoniously. Relationships, which seemed perfect for a while, when the two partners are ‘in love’, nowadays, out of the blue turn into a painful strife, into love-hate relationships, 138

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The Highest Understanding

I knew from deep within, was the highlight of the 18 years of my spiritual quest in India, Bharat, the land of the Vedas and cosmic pyramids of enlightenment.

C H A P T E R 22

The Highest Understanding

“As Consciousness is all there is “Who” is to know or seek “what’? All there is the impersonal functioning of Consciousness reflecting within Itself the totality of manifestation.”

From the web page I had learnt that satsangs were at 10 am, but in reality they started at 9 am. So, I arrived late and the satsang was going on. I walked in tiptoeing not to disturb, and wished to sit far back, but I was made to sit on a chair right in front of Ramesh and rapidly a microphone was clipped on my dress. I had completely forgotten to shut the cell phone and it went on signaling messages and disturbing the peaceful atmosphere. The number of people present was obviously also part of Consciousness play and at my first appointment it happened that there were only two persons, whereas normally there are up to 60 sitting in the tiny room and Ramesh could pay attention and answer all my queries, as his satsangs are open to one and all. Ramesh has stated that they are his sole purpose in living. It is this personal interaction that is the source of his power and also the source of enormous satisfaction and humility at being the instrument through which so many seekers find relief from the confusion and torment of feelings of guilt and shame and personal responsibility.

Waiting to meet an instrument of Consciousness or Consciousness speaking, is like preparing yourself for a long expected fatal appointment with the lover you have been yearning for all your life, and who has eluded you, playing hide and seek. I looked into the mirror and examined the image it reflected. I do not do this very often, so each time is like meeting a new Sandra. I sighed at the web of many wrinkles of expression becoming deeper and deeper. Was it due to the scorching cold of the Himalayas or the desert of Andhra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu where Arunachala and Ramana Ashram would give me stillness and peace? I needed a balm for the wrinkles in the heart and an aspirin for the headache of samsara, but I knew I had come to the end of the road. Masters say that without human effort nothing can be achieved, but at the same time they tell us that what is destined to happen will happen. This personal interaction with Ramesh S. Balsekar,

I looked at Ramesh. It was as if I had always known him. A slim figure and a friendly compassionate smile. Piercing eyes and a voice that went directly to the heart. His clothes pure white cotton, and extremely simple. Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta’s Maharaja were looking down at me from the photos on the walls, as the only silent witnesses of this meeting on the fifth floor of Sindhula Building while monsoon was merely waiting a few days to flood Bombay. An open terrace had been turned into a beautiful open and spacious room filled with light. A TV and a rocking chair where Ramesh would pierce into the happenings in the outside world and then find himself closing his eyes to enjoy the happening, were the vivid signs of a surprisingly “common life” of a twentieth Century awakened Sage.

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The Highest Understanding

was no trace of a challenge or doubt. I recalled Sai’s words, “Life is a game, play it. Follow the Master and finish the game.” And the Sadguru had me run, had me stay still, had me go step by step up the ladder never knowing how many steps there were to climb.

single nook and corner of the mind, emptying it of any doubt I may ever had. Each time I would see the mind, where the doubt or the need of further clarification was arising, as if on a red flag was written EGO with a scull and cross-bones on it .Well that is what I was seeing each time a question or the need to answer Ramesh came up, as he seemed to be waiting for it. Even now, when I sit to enquire a little about who was the doer of this or that, I can hear his voice stressing, and “That is the EGO! What else!”

When people first come to see Ramesh, he seems to encourage them to talk about their background, investigating what spiritual path you are on, and what has brought you to him. In front of Ramesh’s probing questions, visitors may end up having to humbly realize their worldview and their spiritual practices are total confusion willed by the Source. This would be one level of the interaction, while at a deeper and subtler level Ramesh’s quietness envelops you cooling your mind to the point that only the dialogue with Ramesh is indelibly imprinted, and nothing else is important. Ramesh makes you aware of what lies underneath the mind and all its ideas and concepts. Imagine these two processes going on simultaneously! It is like fizzy cold showers with alternate fizzy-warm ones! The seeker may just have realized and articulated a version of his basic turmoil, spiritual doubts and need of clarification, yet under Ramesh’s strokes of Truth, there may happen a tug of war between the pull of our Reality, opposed to all the in-grooved prior conditioning. At some point one may become acutely aware of what seems to be two competing realities: the conceptual structure Ramesh has just outlined, and the actual experience that underlies it: total annihilation of the ego as one may even receive the boon to realize immediately, out of the blue, that all ideas and beliefs, being mere concepts, are to be dropped and the dropping happens once you close the door of the Ramesh’s flat in Nowroji Gamadia Road behind your shoulders and you rest in the beingness.

Notwithstanding the fact that the huge hoover of Consciousness was pulling out, thread by thread, my entire mind’s content, I was centered and calm, but unconsciously and automatically asking one question after the other, like a machine, and the answer surfaced a second before Ramesh would explain. Everything came out, Ramesh pulled out all the bundle of threads from the thinking mind, and as the best laundryman, pounced hard at my delicate points, to imprint a new conditioning. It was as if Ramesh was not speaking to my mind at all. Ramesh was directing his words straight at my consciousness. He was planting his words in my consciousness and I was happy not to disturb the planting process. Once his teaching had been planted in consciousness, it would sprout, grow, and at the suitable moment it would bear fruit. On this point I can assure that he really knew where to hammer! Eventually I felt soothing emptiness, void and the highest sense of freedom.

The clue of that first satsang for me, was realizing that, as soon as the question was uttered, I knew the answer from within and in a split second I could have withdrawn the question. Then a deep impact occurred: I was perfectly aware there was Consciousness speaking to Consciousness and a thrilling broom was sweeping every

Ramesh seems to be curious and keenly interested in our questions or answers, but the honest feeling I had, was that he knew everything, as if he was part of you in total oneness, but the questions had to be there, as the spoken answers must have been like arrows killing the residues of the ego. Ramesh would sometimes make you argue and then he would undercut your statements by giving you a taste of the substratum that underlies all concepts. If you are ready for it, you drop your attachment to your concepts and rest in what lies underneath them. If not, you just blunder ahead, going deeper and deeper into the minefield of the mind. Some visitors get it quickly,

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while others, who were desperate for a structure to cling to, and not this slippery yet soothing nothingness, will come back again and again with ego-questions designed to refine their understanding of Truth, therefore it is also of great interest to be witnessing (also at) other seekers’ doubts. A great teaching, far deeper than merely attending impersonal lectures.

they want in life, they simply answer, “Ramesh, all I need is need food and shelter that is all.” Now tell me Sandra, what is the most important thing that Sandra wants in life? Let me put it this way, if God came to you now and said, “Sandra, ask for only one wish and I shall grant it to you.” What would you answer?

Some teachers may tell you ‘You are Consciousness,’ ‘You are Brahman,’ while Ramesh knocks you down with his ‘three dimensional object’ and the ego, that you really have to wake up and roll over allowing Consciousness to annihilate what It has created. When a jnani tells you, “IT IS THE EGO”, you cannot say no. And if you are interested in finishing the game, you may receive the blessing to see what happens under the full authority of Ramesh’s realized-state and the full force that lies behind each statement. If you take delivery of that information in the heart, in consciousness, you may even experience a flash of that state for yourself. If you take delivery in your mind, you just store it there as an interesting seed of information, which may fructify later on. If you receive the information in utter inner silence, it activates the total awareness of Truth.

Ramesh: Have you tried to? Have you tried to put it into words? See, I can convey my concepts only through words. I don’t give a lecture. I talk to people using words and words convey my concepts. What is the most important thing to you in life? Let me put it this way: if you met God, and God offered you to ask Him only one boon, what would Sandra ask?

I sat quietly while Ramesh was answering the last question of the young man sitting next to me. Paul: Then what are we? Ramesh: Just total objective absence, which is the presence of that ‘I-amness’. Turning with a smile, “Now tell me something about you Sandra. Which part of the world do you come from?” Sandra: From Italy, but I’ve lived here in India for the past 18 years. Ramesh: How brave of you! So what do you do in India? What do you do to have money? Sandra: God gives. It is there. Ramesh: Oh I see, money is there, you go in a shop and money is there, very good! This means you are not on the poverty line. To people on the poverty line if I ask what 144

Sandra:

Uhm…..it is difficult to put it into words.

Sandra: It is really realizing and experiencing I am not this body mind organism called Sandra. I believe it is called ‘the experience of constant integrated awareness’. Ramesh: Wait a minute. Suppose now you truly experience you are the whole Source. What will this understanding or experience bring into your daily life? Will Sandra be happier for the rest of her life due to this single experience? What would this experience change in your life and what advantage would Sandra have in her daily living out of this experience? Knowing you are the Source, how can this knowing help you if someone cheats you or beats you? Daily living means you are to get along with others and not knowing if a stranger is going to be a friend or foe. Whether there is the knowing you are the Source or not, you still have to deal with others in your daily living. What would this experience give you to feel more comfortable with yourself? Will you feel more comfortable in your relationships with others in your daily living? Will this experience give you constant happiness, constant harmony and peace? Sandra: Wouldn’t I gain in non-involvement? Ramesh: Now we are getting nearer, anyhow let me tell you what I would answer if I were you, Sandra: “God give me that state of mind in which I shall not want anything from anybody and not even from You.” 145

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See, this is not high philosophy, but a philosophy that enables Sandra to live the rest of her life without ever feeling uncomfortable nor with herself nor with others in any circumstance. This very simple philosophy helps moment to moment and enables Sandra not to be uncomfortable. A situation where I want nothing from anybody is the prerequisite to harmony and peace in daily living. Forget about seeking. Forget about enlightenment. What is it that one needs in life? No guilt, no pride, no hate, no envy makes life simple. It means peace. If you seek peace in this life, then the only thing to understand is that you are not the doer that you’re truly not responsible for anything that you do. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be irresponsible. Because the answer ultimately is do whatever you like according to the standards of morality and responsibility you have. The standards of morality and responsibility are part of the programming, and you cannot act other than your programming.

Ramesh: Do you know how old I am? I am 88 and it does not bother me, so it should not bother you either. See, Sandra, I consider myself extraordinarily lucky; as I was born in a certain cultural environment and the result was that I have always firmly believed in predestination. Each one of us has a particular destiny and you should not be bothered how it has happened to me! You surely have your own programming. Just know I have always accepted and believed in destiny throughout my life. Therefore I have never worried about passing my exams at school or obtaining a promotion in my career. Yes, there may have been curiosity, but I never worried, as I knew that if I was predestined to have a career my boss could not stop it from happening, and at the same time, if it was not predestined, there was nothing I could do. This belief set me in a situation where there was no reason to pamper my boss, and knowing my approach to life, my immediate boss would trust my sincere opinion whenever he needed one. This total acceptance makes one free from the caprices of the other. If my career was predetermined, no one could stop it, not even my boss, and my pampering him would not push my promotion if it was not in the programming or destiny.

Sandra: How can I have that state of mind? How did it happen to you? Ramesh: I have accepted the Buddha’s concept: ‘Events happen, deeds are done, consequences happen, but there exists no individual doer.’ These are the words the Buddha is said to have said. Totally accepting that all that happens in life is simply in accordance to the Cosmic Law, i.e. destiny and God’s will. Therefore I have no reason to blame anyone, neither to envy anyone nor to blame myself for whatever happens in life. In these past 20 odd years I have been forced to accept pain and joy in equal measure enjoying whatever was agreeable, and suffering any allotted pain without blaming others and I could enjoy peace without having to carry the load of bitterness, malice towards others, or guilt or shame for any action. Further I never have blamed anybody for any happening affecting the flow of life, and this has meant the presence of peace and harmony in my daily living

Sandra: So, if I am to be in confusion I will remain in confusion! Ramesh: You have some interest and you have come here. You were also destined to come here when there were only two persons, while we have even had days where there were up to 60 people crammed in this room for morning satsangs. It is your destiny to be here and to be interested. Do not be pessimistic. You say that your glass is half empty. Be optimistic and say the glass is half full, as you are now here. Sandra: Since the ultimate understanding has happened, what has changed in your life?

Sandra: May I know how this total acceptance happened to you, Ramesh? I am 60 and time is getting short. Did it happen gradually or out of the blue?

Ramesh: In these past 20 odd years, since a total acceptance has happened, I no more carry any load of shame and guilt for my actions however stupid or unsuccessful some actions may seem to result, and

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moreover, whenever a feeling of compassion arises, I never feel good or proud. In these past years there has been total absence of envy or resentment towards others for any action that may bring a biological reaction of displeasure, as NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. In these past years I was obviously forced to accept all the pain and the joy brought by the flow of life knowing I could do nothing about the pain that had been allotted, so I hated no one. Enjoying or suffering is part of the natural flow of life. I was fully aware that my peace and contentment cannot lie in the flow of life, but in my attitude towards the flow of life. Therefore, the flow of life cannot affect my happiness or my peace, as they do not depend on the flow of life, but on my attitude towards life. My ego is totally free from judgment, anxiety, fear, resentments, shame, sense of guilt and in this state of mind where there is total, I stress, total acceptance and not mere intellectual acceptance. I live in the presence of peace and contentment, as happiness is already there and does not need to be acquired or attained if you accept no one does anything. It is as simple as that. Yet here is the 60.000 dollar question: How? And my answer is, “The acceptance has to be total.”

sit with my back straight nor cross legged on the floor! Sandra kept saying’ “It hurts my hips and spine.” This brought in a sense of inadequacy, shame and guilt. Sandra felt frustrated. So, it was your destiny to come here at the peak of a crisis and find Ramesh still alive, although 88. There is no truth in whatever any Master or any Scripture says…they are all concepts! Even God is a concept. God, as a concept I may have, does not exist. There exists only one truth that no one can deny and that is: ‘I AM.”- “ I EXIST.” The ‘I am-ness’ is the only truth, the impersonal awareness of being. I can only share my concepts, as fresh conditioning yet the amending of the past conditioning is God’s will. Sai Baba sends many people here. One of them, Sky Mc Cloud, even asked Sai Baba if Ramesh was his Guru and Sai Baba answered, “Yes.” And through dreams he has sent many of his devotees here. So, who has sent you here? Sai Baba sent you here. I am not joking.

Sandra: What can ‘I do’ to have the total conviction I am not the doer? Ramesh: Sandra ‘can do nothing’ and it may only happen by God’s will. Yet Sandra may ask me, “Ramesh what is the practice I can be absorbed in, while I am waiting that the total acceptance happens, as I have been conditioned to practice something? Sandra: Yes, Ramesh, All along these years I passed from a catholic upbringing to studying Sai Baba’s teachings, Hinduism, and subsequently I added also the Kriya Yoga technique as meditation further to attending Brahmachari Courses to deepen the understanding, yet all the dos and don’ts, plus my 60 year old body reacting with pain in sitting and practicing, resulted in even more confusion. All the dos and don’ts, the good and bad implications, put me off the road and made me feel guilty.

Sandra: I feel a great relief and a huge weight coming off my shoulders. Thank you Ramesh it really was painful this strife. (Tears rolling freely down my cheeks.) Ramesh: Have you read my book Confusion no More? After all these years of confusion, no doubt, I understand and totally sympathize with you, Sandra. Just looking at your face I could see the unhappiness due to confusion. This total acceptance happens by God’s will, yet as you are used at some practice or another, I can advice on a very simple and very effective personal investigation. At the end of the day make yourself comfortable, switch off your mobile phone, and try this very simple investigation: among the many events of the day that you realize have happened, choose one action you are convinced it is your action and choose one single action that you would challenge anybody to prove it is not your action. Ask yourself, “Did I decide to do this?”

Ramesh: Yes I see, the teaching was that you must meditate and practice yoga, but poor Sandra kept saying I cannot

If you go deeper and deeper in the analysis, you will recollect there was a thought surfacing, and that you never had any control over that thought that crept in the mind, but it merely was a biological reaction. Then you will see that, if the thought had not happened, there would not have been any action. If you still go deeper, without exception,

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you will discover that if you had not been in a certain place at certain time, and if you had not heard, seen or felt something, you would not have ‘done’ a particular action you were so sure could not be labeled as not you own action. The happening of being in a certain place and the happening of seeing or hearing something, happened and produced the action you were so sure was YOUR ACTION, while in reality, you never had any control over it. In conclusion, out of your own investigation, a flash of total acceptance is likely to happen. Consequently, this realization will bring in also the total acceptance that also others’ actions are not their actions either. When the flash happens there will be no more doubts and a new understanding may arise. Only from investigation of your personal actions will you come to the conclusion that no one does any action; that all actions are only divine happenings, happenings according to God’s will and therefore, no one needs to be blamed for anything. That is the conclusion you arrive at from your own experience. Then what was once an intellectual concept becomes the personal truth from your investigation and all the rest was Divine hypnosis.

sometimes it happens that, in the very beginning, interrelated questions may arise. In that case I will be happy to clarify also these. Don’t forget, all these are concepts. You have to find out from your own experience if this concept is acceptable or not. That will depend on God’s will and your destiny.

Sandra: Thank you, Ramesh. I suppose all the previous steps were part of the programming leading to a blessed clarity to happen here listening and verifying under your guidance. I was in a lot of confusion and strain; now I am here by God’s will and I see that all the previous steps simply had to be, so that I may dismantle them. Ramesh: I will tell you another thing. This is my concept: ‘who cares if the full understanding happens’, yet do not be pessimistic. In reality whether you do not even practice this simple self-investigation, it may happen if it is God’s will, but it may also not happen if it is not! Sandra, you are most welcome to come again, but once that understanding happens no more doubts will remain and there will be no need to come again. Sandra: I came from Bangalore, may I come also tomorrow, so that the teaching seeps in? Ramesh: If it makes you happy, surely you can come and 150

A retired physicist was investigating with Ramesh about what happens during concentration and meditation and Ramesh, article at hand, read out this fascinating scientific discovery: Ramesh: I read a very interesting article about Dr. Newberg, a leading light in the field of neurotheology the brain science behind spiritual and religious experience. He has invented a machine, which allowed him to capture a snapshot of the brain in the moment of spiritual transcendence, a state known in its highest form as samadhi. He invited and examined the brain of two Tibetan monks in the moment of their deepest meditation and asked them to ring a bell the moment they would enter a deep state of meditation and so they did. The images Dr Newberg captured showed that the brain’s pre-frontal cortex, — the seat of attention, lit up in a brilliant vermilion, indicating an increase in blood flow due to the meditator’s state of deep concentration. However the Upper rear area of the brain, known as the orientation association area, had turned into a dark blue. This rear part of the brain is where we have a sense of space and time and where appears the ‘self’’ existing as separate from the physical universe. The darkness in this area showed that when a meditator was indrawn, the entire world receded, effectively blocking any information from the outside, the brain cannot create a boundary between self and the entire world, As a result, Newberg explains, it has no choice but to perceive that self as endless, interwoven with everyone and everything. This may happen also in deep concentration. This would explain that what happens during meditation is only a time-bound experience, while enlightenment means a total transformation, based on the total acceptance that the separate entity is merely an instrument through which pure energy functions. 151

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What this means is that the final understanding blocks the sensory input from streaming into our brains and keeps the orientation association area dark throughout the day, and not only during the time when the meditation is at its acme. No information flows into that area because there is no longer the individual entity doing the comparing and judging and differentiating between the me and the other - the seer and the seen, the subject and the object - based on the personal doership of each separate entity.

The meeting was over and I felt very light, but as soon as I walked out, doubts started propping up, so I decided to stay one more day even if I understood there was no need of a new Guru-disciple relationship.

The result is that, with no information flowing into that area - the orientation association area - the brain has no choice but to perceive that self as endless, interwoven with everyone and everything. What causes the separation between the self and the other representing the outside world is the involvement of the self in the outside world through the comparing and judging whatever appears as being done by the ‘other’. What caused the darkness in the orientation association area, when the meditator had dived within, is that the ‘thinking mind’ - got cut off. The thinking mind, is the mind which asks questions based on what happens in the outside world, based on what the others are doing, provides answers and asks further questions based on those answers, and this chain of thinking - involvement - goes on and on. The other aspect of the mind, the ‘working mind’ is only focused on the apparent doing that needs to be done at the moment. It is only focused in doing the job. The working mind is not concerned with the future because the ‘one’ who is concerned with the consequences is the thinking mind, the ego. In the working mind there is no individual doing the work. The work being done is witnessed, whereas in the thinking mind exists the ego with the sense of personal doership, very much concerned with the consequences. The increased frontal activity - and the decreased activity in the rear of the brain - is found not only during meditation but also during any attention-focusing task i.e. when the working mind is totally in charge. 152

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C H A P T E R 23

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Deepen and broaden your awareness And all blessings will flow You not need seek anything; all will come to you effortlessly

Bombay was humid and hot, but during the night a gentle storm cleared the air and cooled down the high temperature. This time I arrived punctually and was happy to climb up the many steps to the fourth floor of Sindhula building and discovered that once more I was so blessed to find only two other people, so I again had the rare chance to talk directly with Ramesh to clear some doubts springing from all previous conditioning. Sandra: After a day of pondering over your new conditioning, may I ask you a few clarifications Ramesh? Ramesh: Sure. Go ahead. Sandra: It is very difficult to abandon any prior spiritual path or technique we have believed in. Ramesh: Yes. Sandra: It hurts. Who is feeling the pain?

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Ramesh: The ego. Every time you feel pain or you feel hurt it is the ego that feels the pain. Who finds difficulties and gets hurt? The ego. What else? Who is the seeker? The ego. Who gets involved? The ego. Because of its nature the body has its biological reactions due to genes and conditioning, over which the ego has no control, mere reactions in the body mind organism. As soon as the eyes see something, the ears hear something, or your tongue tastes something, there is a biological reaction and the ego gets involved, but there is no need to get involved. A Sage’s ego simply witnesses the reaction and does not get involved in the biological reaction. The body has biological reactions over which the ego has no control. The ego does not arise till the baby is two years old. The baby has preferences: if he is in his mother’s arms he refuses to go in anybody else’s arms My brother’s grand child often comes here and if he does not see me around, he misses me and searches to find out where I am and when he finally spots where I am, he feels, “ok, now everything is in its place! Reactions like pain, fear, joy, compassion or sorrow are biological reactions and the ego should not get involved, but in ordinary beings it does. How does the ego get involved? The ego gets involved saying, ‘I should be loyal to the Guru, I should be compassionate or I should not get angry etc.’ Also the Sage may get angry, but having abolished the involvement of the ego, he does not care and does not get involved. The Sage simply witnesses all natural biological reactions happening without getting involved. The only way to deal with the ego is to understand what the ego is and how it has arisen. All there is Consciousness and it is Consciousness, which has deliberately identified Itself with each individual body-mind mechanism in order to perceive the manifestation in the duality of observer/ observed. So, the entire functioning of the totality of manifestation – the lila – is an impersonal affair of evolution concerning the process of initial identification – the identified existence covering a certain period – the mind turning inwards – the beginning of the process of disidentification, and the final understanding of this very 155

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impersonal process, or enlightenment, in which Consciousness has regained Its original “purity”. What the witnessing does is to be dissociated from the ego while recognizing its validity as the operational element, which must persist as the part of the psychic construct of the psychosomatic mechanism. This element, the ego, must continue to exist as long as the body exists, but no longer confused. What the understanding brings about is that the recognition of the ego, or mind, is merely the working partner in the physical organization that the body is, and not its independent owner.

Sandra: Do you mean to say that also the Guru disciple relationship may be a phase in one’s life and then click…it may shift to wider fields, different levels, under the inner Guru’s guidance and as per the programming in the genes?

Sandra: So I should not feel I am a stray-dog if I withdraw from a certain spiritual technique, a path in which I totally believed in for years? Isn’t this being inconsistent or disloyal? Ramesh: Every event, every thought, every feeling concerning any individual is a movement in Consciousness. This feeling of being like ‘a stray dog’ arises from the ego, as it is not a biological reaction. It is the ego thinking you are supposed to feel love and be loyal to a spiritual path or loyal to your own country and so forth. The ego is the one saying: “I should” or “I am supposed to.” I have ten Gurus who am I to be loyal to? Therefore at a certain point the ego must have some understanding and this needed and important understanding is: ‘you did not choose to find that particular Guru at that particular moment in time. It happened and now a certain shift is happening and it was never your doing. The base is: It all happens. It is predetermined and there is nothing Sandra has ever done, either good or bad, she never had the choice between alternatives, or paths or Gurus. Sandra could never make a mistake, as she was never in charge of choosing! All was meant to be. It was your programming. The ego brings in the fear Sandra may have done something wrong or she can be compared to a ‘lunitoon’ or a stray dog. There is no inconsistency whatsoever. It is a mere thought that arises, “What did I do wrong?” is a mere thought that arises due to prior conditioning. Stepping out and getting on is simply in your destiny.

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Ramesh: See, Sandra, two people may meet the same teacher and, one may react with indifference and will ‘click’ with some other Guru., while the other person ‘clicks’ and will serve and obey her Guru donating all she has. Guru disciple relationship may click with one person and not with another person. Even this type of happening was predetermined. It was supposed to ‘click’ or not. Destiny or Cosmic Law are at the root of all that happens. Maharaj used to say that some may need more than one Guru and some do not. I myself had a Guru for over 20 years and then I met Maharaj. Sandra: Does it mean that this ‘click’ can happen only for a certain number of years and then chak…….and you are perfectly ok feeling that the teaching is no more in line with the level you had happened to reach and you pass on to another Guru, as if it were like drinking a glass of fresh water? Ramesh: This does not mean that you will immediately find another Guru. Another Guru will appear at the very moment that it has to happen, or when you are supposed to find another Guru, not a day before nor a day later. The fundamental basic understanding is that whatever happens the ego has no reason to blame himself as it never did anything! The secret is, - Go with the flow, do not resist it. Nor does it mean that you have to have a teacher to remove your bondage. This would mean further bondage. It is bondage if you depend on another being to remove that “me”. We have come to point where the understanding is that for the I AM state to prevail, Sandra must be removed, yet Sandra cannot do anything about the removing. Can a Guru ‘do’ it for you? My answer is no. Only by God’s will this will happen or not. Also this disappearance will happen. Sandra: As a consequence of deepening the underlying implications of these concepts of no doership, will you kindly 157

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also clarify about the inherent meaning of karma. Is it simply an interwoven pattern willed by the Source, combined with the planetary set up at the moment of birth, which has nothing to do with our actions in the past as we are not the doers? Once Sai Baba came in my dream and stated, “Do you want to know a secret? Not even karma exists.” It was such a different teaching from His normal public talks that I feared also dreams may be dreams in the dream of life and I never investigated further.

Sandra: Then what is the sense of re-birth or previous births?

Ramesh: My basic understanding is that nobody does anything. Therefore investigate deeper on the basic meaning of karma? What does the term karma mean? Sandra: Action Ramesh: Yes, action, but not your action. Action. An action happens therefore there are consequences and we go back to the Buddha’s words: events happen, deeds are done, consequences happen, but there is no individual doer. So, actions happen but nobody as individual doer is responsible. Just as in the Bhagavan Gita Krishna teaches Arjuna that all responsibility lies on His shoulders about the battle. Whether he wants or not to fight his nature, the programming is to be a warrior and even if Arjuna does not want to fight, he will be forced by his programming so his preference or decision not to fight, is totally useless. Nature or programming will make Arjuna fight and in any case Krishna stressed that He has already killed those who had to be killed. No action is ever the action of an object. So what is karma all about? An action happens and there are consequences, but who is really responsible for an action you never did? It is the action of the subject. Anyhow, the created object cannot understand the Subject and we should not be concerned with those who reap the consequences of these actions. Whenever a scientist stops investigating, he will become a mystic. This final understanding is that understanding in which there is no “I” and no “me” to say, “I have understood. I told you: the only Truth is I Am - I Exist. That is the only Truth. Everything else is a concept. Rebirth is a concept. Your karma is a concept. There is no karma which is yours, all that happens is God’s will. 158

Ramesh: How can Sandra have more than one lifetime? Sandra: That is a good question! Ramesh: Freedom from personal doership is freedom from rebirth. The fact that there are geniuses in any field in life in music in cricket or in the spiritual field etc should make you think. Ramana never meditated nor was he seeking when at the young age of 16 it happened that the understanding dawned. Something must be carried forward from previous incarnations. Like Beethoven, Mozart or Albert Einstein, Ramana Maharshi was a genius – a spiritual genius. Therefore something must be carried over from a previous life. But Ramesh, as an ego, is not going to be carried over to another life. What is brought over I do not know and I could not care a damn about this ‘what’. There was another ego enjoying a previous life and it is not carried forward from one life to another. There will be surely another birth, but Sandra will not be carried forth to another life. All the ego has to do is to ask himself, “What am I to seek and what is the goal in this lifetime.” The ego is not concerned with any more births. Further, freedom from personal doership is obviously also freedom from rebirth. Sandra, as a personality or ego, is only for this birth. The ego is meant only for this present body to enjoy or suffer whatever is the will of God or the Cosmic Law. Freedom from the concept of doership is freedom from rebirth. Sandra: So, also the type of death we are to face is also predestined? Ramesh: Nobody has to worry about the death phenomenon. You do not have to worry, as when it happens you will not be there. The humourist, Woody Allen, has said: “I am not afraid of death, the only thing I do not want is to be present at the moment it happens.” The process of death may be painful or sudden. Even saints like Ramakrishna, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramana Maharshi were lingering with cancer for months and Jesus suffered on the cross. Lingering with cancer is destiny and the ego 159

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can do nothing about it, so why worry? A friend of mine went to the fridge to fetch a glass of cold water, his wife heard him open the fridge and then a thud. He was dead: a massive heart attack. The ego may be worried about death, but there is nothing the ego can do about how it will have to face death. The Dalai Lama went to USA a few months ago and was surrounded by the usual group of journalists. One asked Him: “ Your Holiness do you believe in rebirth?” and the Dalai Lama, being a Buddhist,. Answered, “Of course I believe in rebirth, but there is nothing personal in it.” There is birth and rebirth, yet nothing personal, the ego is what makes it personal. Sandra: As everything is predestined, what can the individual ego modify by praying or repeating mantras? Ramesh: This is begging not praying. What is the use of begging if everything is predestined? A prayer of gratitude can arise. I will tell you a story about a Moghul Emperor who wanted to be democratic and a good ruler. The Emperor decided that anybody could have access to him, so he fixed a bell outside his private rooms, so people could summon him. One morning a beggar rang the bell while the Emperor was finishing his morning prayers. The beggar sat silently watching the Emperor praying in front of his altar, then made a move with the intention of going away, but the Emperor called him back and asked him what he needed. The beggar told him, “I came here wanting something from you, but I found you with your hands raised begging from someone else, so what is the use of me begging from you?” Prayer is a biological reaction. The ego watches a biological reaction resulting in a prayer. My concept is that a prayer of gratitude and thankfulness may arise at some moment and that is a real prayer. You may happen to see people suffering and you may realize how lucky you are to be so healthy compared to others, and a prayer of gratitude may spontaneously arise. This is really the only real prayer and not the usual prayer where one asks for a promotion or money, which is synonymous with begging.

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Sandra: How to listen to God’s promptings better? Ramesh: Very simple in whatever situation do as you like, as what you like depends precisely on the genes and conditioning that God has programmed for you. So how can it ever not be God’s will? You can never commit a sin. You can never make a mistake. The answer is, you may do what you like, but what you like to do is exactly what God wants you to like to do at that moment in the given circumstance. Therefore, there is no contradiction. Do whatever you think you like. And how does God manage that? Through the programming. What you think you like is based on the programming-genes plus conditioning and God acts through the programming and you need no effort to listen to the promptings.. Sandra: What about the teaching of repeating mantras? Ramesh: Repeating a mantra keeps the mind free from involvement by fixing the concentration on the mantra. Concentration is the trick, as otherwise your tongue goes on repeating the mantra and the mind goes to the market and, in this case, there is no purpose in repeating the mantra. The main purpose of repeating a mantra is to keep the mind from conceptual involvement like for example thinking about reincarnation or any imaginary happening. Sandra: I find it easier to translate books rather than repeating a mantra. Ramesh: So, no better way. As good as repeating a mantra. More practical. The whole purpose is not to allow the mind to get involved in speculative concepts. Whether it brings some money or you are writing for your own satisfaction, it makes no difference. Sandra can either repeat the mantra or translate a book. Sandra: Repeating a mantra does not have the same effect!!! Ramesh: (Giggles.) Then translate, as all you have to do is to keep the mind away from conceptualization. When the mind is concentrated on japa or repeating mantra, the back of the brain, the thinking mind, remains empty, and no thought has the possibility to arise. Writing or translating keep the thinking mind in check and any type of concentration is as good as repeating mantras. 161

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Ramesh: Where are you from, Shanthi? Shanthi: From Australia Ramesh: Do you consider yourself a seeker? Shanthi: Since I was born. Ramesh: Oh, how did it happen? Do you remember? Shanthi: My mother is devoted to Ramana Maharshi. When I was 13 I started meditating and I used to say that if Ramana had made it at 16 I would make it at 14. Ramesh: I see. So you have always been a seeker. Any particular question? Shanthi: Are concentration and meditation the means to stop the flow of thoughts? Ramesh: Whenever there is full concentration, no new thought can come in. It can come in if the concentration is not complete. Whether you concentrate or meditate or your attention is totally absorbed and concentrated on some work, the thinking mind cannot bring in any thought. This is called concentration not thoughtlessness, It is not called awareness. Shanthi: Do we attain it through a technique? Ramesh: There is no attaining anything. It is a happening, but you have this attainment issue in-grooved in your mind! Anyhow you cannot achieve it, it happens only if it has to happen. No technique is the preceding prerogative. Not even personal investigation is a MUST. It is destiny and the Source’s will. If you wish you hang on to the personal investigation, but it can happen even without investigation. But the self-investigation could help, as the intellectual understanding goes deeper. Doership is the obstacle. There is no me. Who is this me who thinks he or she is the doer? Investigating makes the investigator arrive at the conclusion he or she was never the doer. Shanthi: Then why are all these techniques taught? Ramesh; Techniques keep the mind empty; free of involvement. All practices are helpful up to a certain point. They lead to that stage for the happening to happen. You 162

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see, a monk may be programmed to keep the mind free of involvement by meditation or japa, but the state where no request, no desire arises’, the state of mind where you are at peace, Sukha Shanthi, the joy of peace, is a mere happening. The total acceptance of this no doership, must be totally accepted. Shanthi: I understand. Total acceptance. Uhm..I think it never was there although I often tried to get to the core of the term surrender more than once, yet life was a struggle for years on end. So, it is total acceptance the secret? Ramesh: In other words, what I mean is to have the ability to bear whatever life brings. Happiness means sometimes happiness, sometimes unhappiness, while acceptance, the ability to bear whatever life brings, is what you call peace. Kate: Can you explain this word acceptance? Is it as you were explaining to Sandra, only true and total acceptance of the events and/or emotions arising? Ramesh: Yes, to accept whatever happens in life. Have you ever tried? Are you able to accept it? Kate: I am not that sure. But I see the importance of the total acceptance. Yet it has been like a flip-flop creating chaos. Ramesh: Acceptance basically means accepting the characteristics of any given body-mind organism as part of the totality of phenomenal manifestation over which the concerned individual had no control. This includes accepting one’s own limitations not as something to improve upon with one’s own efforts, but leaving the improvement, if any is needed, to the natural process. This acceptance prevents any sense of frustration if the efforts are not very successful. When we accept the understanding one also accepts the natural limitations of any other body-mind mechanism without judging. Total acceptance essentially means accepting the subjectivity of God. And the “me” as the instrument through which Consciousness or God, as the Subject, expresses Itself in objectivity. Acceptance is a combination of tolerance and humility. Acceptance leads to understanding and this leads to extreme sensitivity. The Sage, the Jnani, weeps with those who weep and laughs with those who laugh as 163

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the suffering or the pleasure is mirrored. Now, tell me Kate, what is your understanding, about how to achieve this peace we are all looking for?

tell you that in the next few months you will not get what you want, as everything is predetermined, and whether you believe it or not, this is how it works.

Kate: I am still quite young, but I know that worldly happiness and unhappiness is something that doesn’t last.

Kate: As I am not the doer, how do I face daily issues and daily commitments?

Ramesh: Yes exactly, this is what life is all about. Life sometimes brings. pain, sometimes pleasure, sometimes happiness and sometimes unhappiness. Now, my concept is that we do have that peace within us. That peace everybody has at hand, therefore there exists nothing one has to achieve or attain. It is there, but that peace is obstructed by something we think or do. My concept is, basically that we don’t have to achieve the peace, which is already there. What we are concerned with is removing the obstacle to that peace. Removing the obstruction, which prevents that peace from happening. What is the obstruction? What prevents that peace? Now, from my concept: peace is there. Whenever a feeling happens whether acceptable or not acceptable, if it happens you accept it. So what do you think prevents you from reaching that peace during whatever you do in the waking hours? The problem arises because you say it should not have happen, “I should not have done this or that.” Is the obstacle to peace, the obstacle to Sukha Shanthi, the joy of peace. But there it is, so accept whatever happens as something that had to happen according to the destiny of this object. The main point is that it is not in your control, but if you wish to think that it is in your control, nothing prevents you, according to my teaching, from doing whatever you want to do.

Ramesh: The bottom line of the teaching is: at any moment, in any given circumstances, do whatever you think you should do. Can you ever have more freedom than that? At any moment, in any given circumstances, do whatever you think you should do, and ‘doing’ means merely deciding between the alternatives that are available to you. Select any alternative that you think you should ‘do’ because your choice is based on the programming over which you have no control. Now tell me, Judy, what obstacle is there between you and the peace you have been seeking since you were born?

Kate: I am confused as there are so many books on the power of the mind. Why are they written? Ramesh: To sell them and make money! These self-help books help you decide what you are to do in a given situation and how to deal with any particular situation. They tell you what you should do, but my concept is whatever you have done and whatever happens is not in your control, it has never ever been in your control to influence the results. Astrologers or palm leaf-readers may 164

Judy: Emotions, attachment and ego. Ramesh: Now, emotion - you’ll find some people with more emotion than others, isn’t that right? I have a friend, a German friend who is very emotional. I often see him. Tears come to his eyes – emotional. He has been a soldier all his life and also for six generations all his ancestors were soldiers, but when I talk to him, if something touches him, tears promptly come to his eyes. And yet he has been a soldier, a good soldier. You see? So the arising of emotions has not prevented him from being a good soldier. So my point is, if emotion arises, what does it matter? Why are you concerned with emotion arising or not arising? Have you ever wondered if the loss of peace is due to emotions? Why do you not like emotions to arise? Fear? What do you fear? Do you fear what people will think? Judy : I believe it is an unidentified fear of suffering. Ramesh: Fear itself is an emotion. The arising of any emotion does not prevent you from having the peace you wish to have. Whenever fear arises, yet you don’t accept this emotion and you force yourself, convincing yourself, that you are courageous and have no fear, there happens a friction, a competition within yourself, and this very competition creates a certain strife and unhappiness 165

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within you, as there is no acceptance. You do not accept how things are. In these instances one cannot have the peace one desires so strongly. You are unhappy and therefore far from peace. Anger arises because it is your nature to be angry - angrier than another person or more afraid than another person. So the arising of fear, arising of anger and also arising of compassion, happens because according to my concept, it is the nature of the human object. Each object has it own nature and programming. Basically, what is a human being? You see the manifestation, the universe. What is the manifestation made of? What is the universe or the manifestation made of? It’s made of objects, isn’t it? Objects everywhere, planets, stars, trees, fish etc. Whatever exists in phenomenality, whatever exists in the phenomenal universe is an object. Isn’t that right?

in Bombay? Can I choose to listen to Ramesh rather than anyone else?

My basic concept is that each one of us, everybody, wants happiness and peace. But who is this everybody? Let’s first consider that. Who is this everybody who wants this peace? Basically, my point therefore is that a human being cannot be anything other than one type of object, which along with thousands of other types of objects constitutes the totality of manifestation. Essentially, what I’m saying is that each one of us is an object, but we tend to forget this important point. We forget that we are mere three-dimensional objects because the Source has created all these objects with such a design, or nature, that the object considers itself a separate entity with volition. “I have free will. I can do what I like. I’m responsible for my actions, therefore I can either do a good action or a bad action. I can be courageous or not. I can be kind or I may be unkind. Everything is in my control. I’m in charge of my life. To Shanthi, who thinks in terms of “I am in charge of my life” my question is, who is this ‘you’ that you’re talking about? And my point is that basically, you are an object, a specially designed and programmed object, but nonetheless an object. Essentially, human beings cannot be anything more than an object and this has to be accepted. Judy: Yes. (giggling) Did I ever have the free will to be here 166

Ramesh: But even on this particular issue of coming here, to listen to Ramesh, you could only decide, right? What happens as a result of the decision, you cannot foresee. There are no fixed results after a certain decision and the results are according to God’s will. For example, you decided to come to Bombay, but your plane may be delayed and you cannot arrive here for the talk. Judy: Yet sooner or later one plane will fly…….. Ramesh: Oh, yes, the airplane will leave, but will it be on schedule? If late as usual here in India, you may not be able to attend the satsang at the time ‘your free will’ thought you would be attending. You may have to wait till the next day. This is destiny. You may decide, if you wish to think so, but anyhow the results of your decision are not in your hands, if you recall your many experiences in life, at least on this I am sure you agree. Do you agree Sandra? Sandra: Honestly I had no plans to come during monsoons. Actually I had in mind to come in September, but here I am in June and full monsoon. Ramesh: Yes. So what exactly do we mean by ‘free will’? Is it all a matter about deciding what you are to do next. That’s all. It has to do with the attractive ‘power to decide’ and to be in charge. That’s all. What is your experience? You make a decision, but whether it happens or not, you really can’t say because other forces may come into the picture. You cannot be sure about the results. This is my point. You cannot be sure about the results of any decision you take with your free will. Sandra: Can I really make a decision? Ramesh: You’re quite right. You have the free will to make a decision. In other words, we are either the subject, pure subjectivity, potentiality, energy, God, whatever you choose to call it - the Source - the one reality from which the entire manifestation has come and there exists only pure subjectivity, pure reality, or we are objects and everybody else is an object. It’s very clear, isn’t it? And yet, this is the basic, simple truth, which everybody forgets and keeps on 167

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thinking, “I want this. I like you. I don’t like this or that.” When you go deeper and deeper you realize that the thought dropped in a few seconds prior to any decision. So, is it still a decision of yours?

by the Source, even confusion or Maya. What is this programming? Each human being has been created as a unique individual entity, a unique individual human object, so that Source Itself, by whatever name you call It, may be able to use each individual, each uniquely programmed human object to bring about whatever the Source wants. That is my basic concept. Each human being is a uniquely programmed instrument, object, or computer created by the Source so that the Source can do whatever it wants, and bring about whatever It wants through each human object, through each uniquely programmed instrument. Therefore, anything that happens through any human object is not something done by an object. An object can do nothing. Therefore my basic concept is: anything that happens through any human object is not something done by an individual, but something brought about by that Source which has created that human object in a special way so that whatever happens to that birth is exactly what the Source wants to bring about. Is what I have just said strange for you? I repeat, every human being is a uniquely programmed, designed human object, so that the Source may bring up, through each uniquely programmed human object, whatever the Source wants to produce and not what the object wants to produce. It seems strange, but this is how it works.

Sandra: As all is the Source, who is prompting the confusing thought we have free will? Ramesh: Whenever that object is able to think that it has volition, then even that ability to think that it has volition and that he is in charge of his life, must have come from the Source. So, an object who considers himself a separate entity with volition, has that ability to think (so) only because the Source has created that ability in that object. That is clear, isn’t it? Sandra: Who has preferences? The ego? Ramesh: Yes, the ego! Therefore, my question always begins with: Who is this who wants something, who does not want something; who likes or does not like someone or something? Who is this? It is basically an object. Sandra: What is a human being then? Ramesh: My concept is that a human being is an object, uniquely programmed by the Source. Now, when I say the Source, you can give it any name you like, so long as you remember that all those labels refer to only one thing - the Source. The physicist will use the word primal energy or you give whatever label to the Source and if you prefer to say energy, say energy, if you prefer to say God, say God. Or if you prefer to keep using the Source, that’s fine too. The Upanishads call it ‘Consciousness’, ‘the impersonal awareness of being’. ‘I am’. Sandra: Can you clarify this ‘I am’? Ramesh: ‘I am’ does not refer to Ramesh, or to Sandra, or anyone else. The awareness that we have is simply of being alive. ‘I am.’ The impersonal awareness of being is the Source. The Source has identified Itself with each human object and created this impersonal awareness and immediately identified it with an individual entity. So, the Source or Consciousness Itself has created this confusion, this identification with the ‘ego. All is created 168

Sandra: It is quite a relief. Ramesh: I say nothing different from, ‘Thy will be done’. It’s been there in the Lord’s Prayer ever since you were a child. So what I’m saying is exactly what those four words say, “Thy will be done.” Thy will is the Source’s will. It is nothing different from the famous Buddha’s words: ‘Deeds are done, events happen, but there is no individual doer thereof.’ Sandra: Can we go into more details about the programming you are talking about? Ramesh: What is this programming I am talking about? I refer to the unique programming, which enables the Source to bring out whatever the Source wants and not what the objects wants. The programming, according to my concept, is this: you have no choice in being born to 169

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certain particular parents, therefore you have no choice about the genes - the unique DNA of this particular human object. Each human object has a distinct DNA, not even twins have similar programming. Even twins have different DNA and the DNA in the body can identify that body as that particular individual body. So, Sandra has no choice about the genes in this human object called Sandra, and for the same reason, Sandra had no choice about the environment in which she was born, Sandra did not choose her parents nor the environment where to grow. Did you decide you were to be born in Italy? Did you choose the particular environment, physical, social environment in which this human object Sandra was to grow? No, Sandra was never in control. Sandra has no control whatsoever to which human parents, in which environment, which geographical environment, which social environment, he was to be conditioned by.

his life, is really only a fiction created by what the Hindu’s call: Maya. I call it: divine hypnosis.

Sandra: is the personality and as the persona called Sandra is, according to my concept, nothing more than the programming willed by the Source, due to the genes or DNA plus the environmental conditioning, which includes social conditioning, your education, your social upbringing, how Sandra is, cannot but be part of that conditioning, which is predestined? Ramesh: Ever since a baby has been born, this conditioning has been going on. A baby is born, a six or eight months baby is not concerned if there are other children. But as the child grows, the environmental conditioning will stress that it must associate with certain children and not with others and that he/she has to go to this or that school. So, at any moment, Sandra, the persona, is an individual entity, which had no control over either its genes or the environment or his social conditioning. Therefore, Sandra is a fiction. There is truly no Sandra at all, except this feeling of being an ‘independent’ entity, and this feeling of being an independent entity, which has been imposed on the personal awareness of being is called ‘ego’. So, the ego, according to my concept, which makes Sandra think he is an individual with volition and that he is in control of 170

When the Source created this human object and the parents called the baby object ‘Sandra’, then, by divine hypnosis a fiction was also created; the hypnosis that Sandra is an individual entity. How? By creating an identification; a fictional, conceptual identification with a particular body/mind organism and a name. So what is Sandra? Basically a name given to a human object over the programming of which the so-called Sandra had no control. You had no control over your genes. You had no control over your conditioning, and what Sandra is, is nothing but genes plus your conditioning. You say you make a decision. When you make a decision Sandra, what is that decision based on? That decision, which you think is your decision, according to my concept, is based essentially on the genes and the environmental up to date condition. Let us say that ten days ago you had decided something, but during these past ten days, you have met some people, you have read some books, and that very reading or dialogues with your new acquaintances, have changed your existing conditioning and therefore, now, you may look upon the decision made ten days ago as something you would not have decided today. Do you see what I’m getting at? The conditioning keeps on changing. What is happening now, Sandra? You and I are having a talk and it could change the existing conditioning in either of us. So the conditioning is going on all the time, and whatever decision you think you are making is based on the genes plus the up to date conditioning. You call it your decision. But is it really your decision, Sandra? When, on analyzing, investigating you’ll find that what you call ‘your’ decision is based entirely on something over which you have no control, you will arrive at the conclusion that even the decisions, which you think you make, are based on something over which you have no control. And the decisions that you think you are making are exactly the Source will. 171

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What does the Source do? It uses every human object, uniquely programmed objects, as computers. It uses each human object as an individual, uniquely programmed computer. How do you use your computer? You put in an input and your computer has no choice but to bring out an output, strictly according to the programming. Isn’t that right? Do you use a computer at all?

in that object God has created the genes and the conditioning and then God also gives the input with thoughts. How can any output be different from God’s will? Every single output through every single human computer, every single moment, in any place, has to be the will of the Source. And it is on this very sound reasoning that the Bible says: “Thy will be done.” God or Source are one and the same, but most of the times the word God is used mistakenly. The word God is used as the “chief executive” of the multi-national manifestation. And this God has various vice-presidents called Avatars. That is how the word God is used, but for me the Source and God have the same meaning.

Sandra: Yes I do. Ramesh: So when you use your computer, what do you do? You give an input, then you press a button and the output has nothing to do with the computer’s choice. It is strictly according to the programming. Isn’t that right? But your computer, contrary to the body-mind organism, has no ego and it does not say, “It is ‘my’ action.” So the output is strictly according to the programming. The brain reacts to an input over which you have no control, an input being sent by the Source. So what is the input? Mostly it is a thought. You have a thought, which leads to an action, about which Sandra says “It is ‘my’ action.” Whatever thought will arrive after this thought, is not in your control either. It has been proved in the laboratory that the next thought that you receive will happen almost half a second before Sandra reacts to that thought and decides to either do something or not; the thought arises half a second before you actually react to it. That means you have absolutely no control over the input. As we have just been saying: we have no control over the programming. So you have no control over the input, you have no control over the programming, and yet you say that the output is ‘my’ decision! Therefore, upon analysis, we discover that every decision through a particular body/mind object is exactly the decision that Source wants. In synthesis, even the decision is willed and promoted by the Source and the subsequent happening is also God’s will. That is basically why we say: “Thy will be done.” The Source has made the programming, giving all the inputs and the output can only be according to God’s will. Why do all the sacred Scriptures stress “Thy will be done.” Why? Because it is according to God’s will that the object is born. Secondly, 172

If you investigate deeply, you will come to the conclusion that every decision, and therefore every action and its result are all entirely the will of the Source. Yet the intellect goes on asking: “How does God’s will function?” We can say: according to a natural law or a cosmic law. Then the intellect in this human object objects: “On what basis does God’s will function? On what basis does the cosmic law function?” Human beings cannot understand, not even in a million years. The human intellect asks the question: “On what basis does God’s will function? On what basis does God create a healthy child or a handicapped child? On what basis does God create a healthy child in a rich family or a handicapped child in a poor family?” Human beings will never be in a position to either know or understand this. Do you know why? Because the one who wants to know the basis on which the subject functions, is a mere created object. How can an object ever know the will of the subject? If you create a statue, a figure of a human being out of either gold or metal, you’ll create a human figure. In that case, you are the subject and the statue is the object. So the object, that the subject has created, will never know why you created the object. The human figure created by the sculptor is not in a position to know the basis on which the sculptor’s will works. Similarly, the human object cannot understand or know the basis on which the pure subject, the Source, functions. This is why we have to 173

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accept that nothing happens unless it is the will of God. Whatever happens, we have to accept that it could not have happened unless it was the will of God.

it has not been ‘done’ by anyone, there is no one to be blamed.

Jesus Christ happened, Mohammed happened, Moses happened, Ramana Maharshi happened, Ramakrishna happened. They could not have happened unless it was the will of God. So, Jesus Christ happened because it was the will of God, but Hitler also happened, Stalin also happened; therefore also Hitler and Stalin could not have happened unless it was the will of God. Why does the Source or God produce what human beings consider good and bad, good and evil, beautiful and ugly, the human being cannot know. All that the human being can do, as the German mystic Meister Eckhart said, is to: “...wonder and marvel at the magnificence and variety of God’s creation.” We can only accept it; we cannot question it. So if we totally accept that whatever happens is God’s will, and not anybody’s doing... In other words, if we are able, by the grace of God, to accept what the Buddha said: “Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual doer thereof.” Then a space is open for the total understanding to happen, if it is God’s will that it happens. Events happen, deeds are done, but there is “no individual doer’ doing anything. This means that any action, which we think is ours, in reality, is not our action. Nobody has ‘done’ anything, but it has happened because it is the will of God. If Sandra is truly able to accept that no action is his action, no action is Ramesh’s action, no action is anyone’s action, but a happening, which had to happen at a certain time and at a certain place because it was the will of God, what are the changes that happen in Sandra’s state of mind? Sandra realizes that it would be silly to blame anybody for any action, wouldn’t it? If I’m truly able to accept by the grace of God, as even the understanding is God’s will, that nothing can happen unless it is God’s will, and therefore if anything has happened, which human beings or society consider as good or evil, if it has happened, it could not have happened unless it was the will of God. One thing further, whatever has happened, if 174

If you totally accept ‘Thy will be done’, you cannot blame anybody, neither yourself, nor me nor he or she. So the immediate effect of being able to accept that nothing can happen unless it is the will of God means that you immediately cease to blame others and have and you cease to blame yourself or anyone for whatever happens. Actions happen through this body/mind organism, actions happen through every body/mind organism and I can only see them as God’s will. Whenever an action happens through this body/mind organism and the society considers it a good action and honors Ramesh, the honoring by the society as seen or heard or read, becomes an input in Ramesh’s body/mind organism. The brain reacts to it - strictly according to the programming and a sense of pleasure arises; a natural, mechanical, biological reaction. But having the total understanding that it is not my action, that I cannot produce any action, it is therefore not my action that has been appreciated by the society. So, while there may arise a sense of pleasure, there does not arise a sense of pride. At the other extreme, an action happens through this body mind organism, which is condemned by society for whatever reason. It has been condemned by society. Let us say I have hurt someone’s feelings; then the condemnation of society is an input in my body/mind computer. The brain reacts to society’s indignation and the biological, mechanical reaction happens to produce a sense of regret - a sense of regret that an action has happened which has hurt somebody’s feelings. So in that case a sense of regret arises, just as earlier a sense of pleasure arose. This time a sense of regret arises, but there is also the absolute total certainty that it is not my action, which has been condemned by society because I know I can do no action nor can anybody do any action. Therefore, that action, which has been condemned by society, happened because it was God’s will and it is not my action. Therefore, while in this computer a sense of regret may arise, a sense of guilt cannot arise. A sense of 175

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guilt or shame can never arise. Do you have any more questions now, Sandra?

be an obstruction to it. If you but cease from useless conceptualizing, you will be what you are and what you have always been.

Sandra: So, also enlightenment is a happening and there is no need of specific strenuous practices? Ramesh: Concepts can at best only serve to negate one another, as one thorn is used to remove another, and then be thrown away. Only in deep silence do we leave concepts behind. Words and language deal only with concepts, and cannot approach Reality. Ceasing to conceptualize means ceasing to perceive objectively, which means perceiving non-objectively. It is to see the universe without choice or judgment and without getting into subject-object relationship. What happens then? Nothing, except that you are what you were before you were born: everything. How it happened in my particular case is not relevant for you, Sandra. You may be programmed in a different way. There was in your destiny to arrive here after 18 years of being in India and in my destiny to be still alive when you came, as I am already 88. If my concepts help you, it is God’s will. “Self-realization or enlightenment is nothing more than the deepest possible understanding that there is no individual doer of any action - neither you nor anyone else. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts, nor the experiencer of an experience - they happen. When the apparent but illusory identity called a person has disappeared into the awareness of total potentiality that it is and has always been, this is called enlightenment. When IT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head! And The day that you GET IT there will be no one there to say, “I’ve got it !” Which is just as well since there will be no one there to hear. The only ultimate understanding is that nothing is, not even he who understands. The essential basis of self-realization is the total rejection of the individual as an independent entity, whether it comes about as a spontaneous understanding or through an utter surrender of one’s individual existence. Self-Realization is effortless. What you are trying to find is what you already are. Enlightenment is total emptiness of mind. There is nothing you can do to get it. Any effort you make can only 176

For enlightenment to happen the perceiver must turn right around and wake up to the fact that he is face to face with his own nature - that HE IS IT. The spiritual seeker ultimately finds that he was already at the destination, that he himself IS what he had been seeking and he was in fact already home. The manifest phenomenal aspect of what we are and the unmanifest noumenal Absolute are not different. Phenomena are what we appear to be. Noumenon is what we ARE. Sandra: When you say we are all three-dimensional objects are you talking to our ego? Ramesh: Yes. By ego, Sandra, I mean identification with a particular body/mind and a name with a sense of volition, doer-ship. Sandra: I understand we are not the doers. Do coincidences exist? Or all is predetermined? Ramesh: Whether it is a coincidence or not, what is relevant is that it is not my action or your action. Whether it is a coincidence or somebody’s will, who cares? What is the relevant point? It is not your action or my action. Whether it is an accident or coincidence or a cosmic law, the fact remains that it is not my action or your action. Some power is working. Some power is bringing about the coincidence. This power, this energy that pervades the entire Universe makes us work like mere gadgets. Sandra: Will I get caught up again in feelings of all kinds, reactions and confusion? Ramesh: Yes. If also this unstable ‘flip flop’ has to be there by God’s will it will be there. Do not feel it is your fault. Just accept it. Now, Sandra, tell me: who is this who feels whatever she feels? Who is it? Is there a Sandra at all other than a name? All I see is an object to which the name Sandra was given. A uniquely programmed object with a name. Who is it that likes or dislikes what she is feeling? Who? A body mind organism, which is an object. Whatever you decide to do will be exactly what God wants you to do 177

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because God has done the programming.. In other words, the biggest freedom is: to be able to do whatever you like, whatever you think you should do with the total conviction that never will you have to ask God’s forgiveness or that you could ever have made a mistake. The freedom is not only to do what you’d like; the real freedom is that you can do whatever you like without the danger of ever having to beg God’s forgiveness for a sin or excuse yourself with your meditation technique teacher if your body does not allow you to proceed the way you had planned. Never will you have to excuse yourself or find fault with yourself, neither now, nor in the future, nor on your deathbed. Whatever you decide to do, at any moment, cannot be against God’s will. Any decision of yours is God’s will, what happens to the decision, as an action, is God’s will. The results and consequences of that action are God’s will, whoever may be affected by those results or consequences. That is why I say you’ll never ever have to ask for God’s forgiveness for any action, for it is not your action. What more freedom can you want?

C H A P T E R 24

The Last Blow to the Coconut

“When the individual self, the ego, dies, the sense of consciousness as ‘I’ and ‘you’ also dies, and only the universal Awareness, as pure Being, remains. That remaining universal Awareness, which is the One Self, is both the location and the source of all happiness and peace. It is freedom. This is itself enlightenment, it is the natural state.”

Sandra: Thank you, you have really lightened the burden. And made clear all the teachings received up to now. Ramesh: It is God’s will that the concept appeals to you and gratitude arises. Let me tell you one thing, Sandra, What has happened by listening to my concepts? Sandra has been receiving a fresh conditioning. This additional conditioning may change your attitude toward life. What Sandra has received in these two days, listening to my concepts, is a new conditioning, which could change or amend Sandra’s existing and past conditioning, but if the past conditioning is to be amended by this new conditioning, it is only a happening willed by God or Cosmic Law.”

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After the first two Satsangs, I flew back home and all the threads of the teaching naturally and spontaneously started connecting in a mirror like reflection at the front of my mind, like a film I was witnessing. In the heart there was sweet calmness and no thoughts were pestering it. The clarity that effort was not the way, but that the mind may turn inwards not because of any action or practice, but purely as a movement in Consciousness, an impersonal happening and not an achievement of “enlightenment” was gently flowering in the heart and I was witnessing the gentle gushes of the wind of clarity sweeping away all the clutches of the old conditioning. It was a joyful and peaceful stillness, no counter-questions, simple acceptance that irradiated so much peace that tears were often silently flowing as the deepest sense of relief was gradually setting in. As in a film I was watching all the threads effortlessly linking, in the peaceful and natural 179

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witnessing of how the so-called seeking had started by a Higher Force and how amazingly It was erasing the confusion by discarding all the previous steps, yet accepting them gratefully as steps to the unfolding of Truth. None had been my choice and none was a mistake, none was the result of striving: happenings opening doors to wider spaces. Something “outside of myself,” and not me as an interested seeker, a reader of too many books, the one who practiced sadhana awaiting for some rewards that never happened to fill up the cup. ‘Carrots for the donkey’ were the tiny flashes that happened whenever I was not seeking or stressing my body to practice mudras. Clarity had dawned and I did not care to label it as this or that. I was simply out of confusion and this gave me great peace: becoming enlightened had never been my worry, yet I knew the terms ‘becoming’ and ‘attaining’ had to be erased completely and this understanding, removing an enormous load of responsibility, simply relaxed all worries and tensions and happiness found the door open.

For years I had been conditioned to believe that whatever I wanted in life I had to work hard for it, and in the spiritual arena, that realization could only happen through personal effort, discipline, practice of yoga, meditation and constant sadhana. What a relief reading, hearing and perceiving that any effort by a “me” could well be counterproductive! The blinding truth of the teaching poured into my heart without doubts or questions arising from the mind, and I felt a joyful relief and gratefulness to the Source for this understanding.

I re-read with great interest Consciousness Speaks and underlined: “As the very nature of the mind is movement, any effort to control the mind itself leads to frustration and thereby the strengthening of the ego. Self enquiry must necessarily begin with the “me” and the mind-intellect, but in such an enquiry the intellect unwittingly lays a trap, conceals it with a lot of concepts, builds an elephant pit, and then falls in it itself! The quantum leap out of this conceptual elephant pit, cannot result from any effort, it can only happen when the “me” gets annihilated. Further, spontaneity and naturalness cannot be “achieved” either by trying or trying not to try! Effort - or an effort not to make an effort- is based on desire or volition, which is an aspect of the “me-concept” or the ego. Spontaneity is the absence of the mind.” I compared the teaching of Nisargadatta Maharaj where he says that understanding is all that is needed and no part of the activity could be considered volitional effort. The understanding, the unshakable conviction of one’s true nature itself was all that mattered for the transformation to take place, and even any effort to remember the understanding is an obstruction.” 180

Sheer joy created an opportunity to go again to Arunachala and sit quietly in Ramana’s Ashram. It was August and as hot as hell. On the warm stones of the sacred mountain, I would sit with four books at hand, one of Ramesh, one of Nisargadatta, one by Wei Wu Wei and one of Ramana. I had included also Wei Wu Wei as Ramesh’s book THE ULIMATE UNDERSTANDING, was linking his own understanding also to Wei Wu Wei. The four books would be all open on my knees. Please don’t laugh at the picture, but this is how it really happened. I was smiling to myself and could see Ramana’s twinkling eyes everywhere. One morning, when I came out of the room where Ramana usually gave His satsangs, at a certain point I felt like a hand wanting to push me into that famous open well near the samadhi shrine. No one had touched me. From the tickling I felt in the heart, I knew it may have appeared so hilariously funny that Ramana’s energy or Shiva from inside Arunachala, the Self, jokingly wanted to drawn me and my four books in the open well, as the reading had to end. I myself was feeling like the tomato salad between the spiritual ‘Club-Sandwich’ of 4 layers of Sages’ bread. But I wanted to finish the job of linking it all. The comparing ended in only 3 days. I honestly could not find the principle of no mind in Ramana’s teachings, and many terms I had to understand and convert to more suitable ones, like surrender being so subtle, I turned into total acceptance and all made sense at last. 181

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Wisdom Piercing the Heart

From Ramana’s talks I underlined that once there was total acceptance – surrender, there would be no one to ask questions to and nothing to think of. The way to do it was by holding on to the root thought ‘I’, if not one eliminates either all thoughts surrendering oneself unconditionally to a Higher Power. And these were the only two ways for Realization. The control of prana which is yoga, and the control of mind which is jnana these are the two principal means for the destruction of mind. You have already quoted this from Ramana. The wise ones say: of the three grades of qualified aspirants, the highest reach the goal by making the mind firm in the Self, through the process of determining the nature of the real, by Vedantic enquiry, and by looking upon one’s self and all things as of the nature of the real; the mediocre by making the mind stay in the heart and meditating for a long time on the real, and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in a gradual manner through breath-control, etc.”

Chinese philosophy calls all effort to realize the Tao as “putting legs on a snake” because “everything is Tao’.

I bowed to Arunachala confirming the teaching and surrendered all my concepts. Via Ramesh, Consciousness had pushed in the true meaning of total acceptance: “Acceptance is more of a jnana process, and surrender is more of a bhakti process, and dispassion is another term for the same two processes and they really mean: living in the present moment without being attached to anything.” It all seemed to add up that all we could ‘do’ was to concentrate on the working mind, thus blocking the conceptualizing and worrying mind, called the ‘thinking mind’ and all would happen by itself at the right moment if we were destined to enjoy, and with less nervous strain. In synthesis: all dualism is illusion, all action is spontaneous and all volition is an illusion.

It was thanks to comparing Ramesh’s teaching, and I quote: “The real difficulty is this conceived operation of the destruction of the “me” as a positive effort is that the “me” cannot be destroyed as long as its duration is not destroyed. All thought is spontaneous and any effort at controlling thought would only make matters worse” and I found the confirmation I needed about the teaching, in different terms, by Nisargadatta: “We are to realize the one Mover behind all that moves and leave all to Him. Total acceptance is the shortest way to reality. “Stand without desire and fear, relinquishing all control and responsibility. This is divine madness. You are addicted to doership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing else to give up. Stop your habit of looking for results and freedom will be yours. You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. The ending of this pattern is the end of the self. The ending of the self with its desires and fears enables you to return to your real nature, the source of all happiness and peace. Don’t you see that it is your search for happiness that makes you feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent to pain and pleasure, neither asking nor refusing, give all your attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly present.” It was from Wei Wu Wei’s short quotes that I could really roll with laughter at my dramatic long term confusion: Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-pane, while the other half of the window is wide open? There was no brooding and no confusion. Only awe. Silence. The jigsaw puzzle was over.

Seeing the illusoriness of volition makes all action automatically spontaneous. It needs no effort through any discipline or practices or devices such as repeated affirmations of any formulas or words as what we are to perceive is already there. He also reminds us that the

I packed the books saying, “Ok, now it has to happen by the grace of God. No more reading no more worrying that I am choosing between effort or non effort. Clarity is there. Thanks for the rest. If it is given, good. If it does not

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happen, I couldn’t care less. I’ll enjoy India with all her colours, monkeys, beggars, stinky lanes with jumping frogs during monsoon, the Allah Akbar waking me up at five am and stones which are too hot to walk barefoot under the midday sun! Be still. Do nothing. Be as you are. “Simply remain present as you are. Fully accept what occurs as it occurs, just as it is presently occurring. Totally let go into your own being. Be fully centered in the now-presence of your own being, prior to what is occurring, and just let it occur. It’s all occurring in your presence. It’s occurring through you, or from you as an expression of you, but not you as an ‘individual’, rather you as the One Self.”

Part V

Ramana Maharshi Complete clarity was dawning at last, yet soon an unexpected thunderstorm threw me into mental chaos and all “plans” were scattered. Had I not received the boon of the teaching to breathe knowing God is constantly breathing from the crown chakra and the divine love that sustains the atoms and cells of the body and mind, I do not think I could have gone through the fire God took me through, to burn whatever remnants had to be burnt.

What Are We Talking About?

When the Lord of Life grants us His love and Grace we are to lose name, family and all we have, but we gain in total peace as He has done His job to annihilate the ego. Sometimes thunderstorms are the only way, the only means to push us and to settle us within the peaceful amniotic liquid of the Divine Womb. A loving relationship with all my only best friends, God, Saints, Masters still warms and softens this beautiful adventure as God in a human form and, although not often in their presence, are all beacons of love and light in my heart. 184

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C H A P T E R 25

Sages

“Sentient beings are in essence buddhas It is like water and ice. There is no ice without water; There are no buddhas outside sentient beings. What a shame, sentient beings seek afar, Not knowing what is at hand. It is like wailing from thirst In the midst of water.”

The Sage lives in complete awareness of the fact that there is no individual doing anything, whether it be writing, walking, talking or anything else. Thus, he may be said to walk a thousand miles without setting foot outside of his house or speaking for forty years without saying a word. In reality, the Ultimate Understanding is living one’s life as a Sage. The Ultimate Understanding of non-doership - Self-realization - does not mean the total annihilation of the ego. Ramesh explains that, “This cannot happen for the simple reason that the ego is necessary even for the Sage to live the rest of his allotted span of life. The Sage responds to his name being called and functions as an individual entity in his chosen role in life. But the ego of the Sage is without any sting because the sense of personal doership has been annihilated.” In the words of Ramana Maharshi, “The ego of the Sage is like the “remnants of a burnt rope” - absolutely helpless 186

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and harmless. The realized Sage, the jivan-mukta, is the stage of knowing, while still in the body, that you are really the eternal non-dual self and knowing further that the self is never embodied, since the body is not ultimately real, a reflection in a mirror where the world appears and exists, yet not real.”

spoken of as belonging to four categories: Brahmavid, vara, variyan, and varishtha. But these distinctions are from the standpoint of the others who look at them; in reality, however, there are no distinctions in release gained through jnana.”

All Sages stress that the so-called liberation arises from knowledge, not from dropping the body. Knowledge alone is the necessary and sufficient condition for liberation from bondage of ignorance. Although many Advaitins like Sankara, stress that meditation is a helpful support for attaining liberation, yet not all Sages agree as it is still an action of a deluded individual believing himself the doer and anchored in the dualistic realm of means and ends. Ramana Maharshi said, “I am not the body; I am Brahman, which is manifest as the Self. In me who am the plenary Reality, the world consisting of bodies etc., are mere appearance, like the blue of the sky. He who has realized the truth thus is a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long as his mind has not been dissolved, there may arise some misery for him because of his relation to objects on account of prarabdha, which is karma that has begun to fructify, the result of which is the present body. So long as the ripples on the mind have not quietened down, the experience of bliss cannot surface from within. The experience of Self is possible only for a mind that has become subtle and unmoving as a result of prolonged meditation. He who is thus endowed with a mind that has become subtle, and who has the experience of the Self is called a jivan-mukta. It is the state of jivan-mukti that is referred to as the attributeless Brahman and as the Turiya. When even the subtle mind gets resolved, and experience of self ceases, and when one is immersed in the ocean of bliss and has become one with it without any differentiated existence, one is called a videha-mukta. It is the state of videha-mukti that is referred to as the transcendent attributeless Brahman and as the transcendent Turiya. This is the final goal. Because of the grades in misery and happiness, the released ones, the jivan-muktas and videha-muktas, may be 188

When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked what his outlook was, this was his answer, “My present outlook is without limitation, total freedom. Those who come here with the idea of improving their spiritual knowledge, come with a desire to seek while the seeker must disappear. It is not possible for you to acquire knowledge, you are knowledge. You are what you are seeking. Your true being exists prior to the arising of any concept. Can you, as an object, understand something that existed prior to the arising of a concept? In the absence of Consciousness is there any proof of the existence of the existence of anything? Consciousness itself is mind, thought, all phenomena and all manifestation. Apprehending this is being dead to “I am the body” while alive. This kind of knowledge comes only in a rare case, and it is a very elusive kind of knowledge where no effort is necessary; in fact, effort itself is a hindrance. It is intuitive understanding When asked how it was to live as a Sage, Ramesh S. Balsekar has specified: “At a biological level nothing changes in a Sage. The ego must exist as long as a human being is alive, so also a Sage has an ego as long as the Sage lives. A Sage sees something and there is bound to be a reaction of likes and dislikes yet, contrary to what happens in most people, the ego of the Sage is not concerned if anger arises. Anger is a biological reaction over which not even a Sage has any control. In the case of a Sage there is the witnessing of the biological reaction and no involvement, as the final conditioning has transformed the previous conditioning. At brain level there is a biological reaction. Fear may arise, yet the Sage’s ego witnesses a reaction in the body mind organism and, contrary to any ordinary person, the Sage witnesses the biological reaction happening and does not react, while, whenever an ordinary person feels angry, he may feel upset for having felt anger as he gets involved in the biological 189

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reaction. Whenever compassion arises in the Sage there is no ostentation, no pride. The biological reaction of anger is merely witnessed by the ego of the Sage, as something separate from his reality. Having totally accepted that the Source is the only doer, the Sage is constantly at peace, but equally, he is just like any ordinary person, a bodymind-computer programmed by Source registered as destiny in his genes. Therefore, the genes in a Sage may bring about an action, which could even be condemned by the society or even by the law of the Country. So, the Sage’s actions may result in some recognition from society, but also condemnation, yet the Sage is not involved in the results, as he knows he is not the doer: sometimes there may arise a sense of pleasure, a sense of regret, but never pride and arrogance, guilt and shame. The Sage does not even react if an action of his is condemned. The Sage accepts it with a sense of regret, but as it has happened, the Sage has to accept the result of that condemned action.

comfortable with himself and with others. Peace is always there, but it is this load, which obstructs the apperception of the presence of peace.

“Whenever an action of some other body-mind mechanism happens to hurt me, it may cause some physical, psychological or financial unbalance, but having totally accepted that there are no individual doers, I never feel either hatred or malice. No power on earth can hurt me and I have no fear, nor do I ever feel either jealousy or envy for something, which God has created and allotted to others. Whatever happens in life is accepted: sometimes pain and sometimes pleasure, but the Sage bears no load of pride and arrogance, guilt and shame, hatred and malice or jealousy and envy. On the other hand, whenever one thinks it is his/her doing, success means pride and arrogance, failure means guilt, shame, resentment. But when has happened the total acceptance and deep understanding that your doing was not really your doing, but only a happening, success means a simple arising of pleasure, where there is no shadow of pride nor arrogance; failure merely means an arising of a sense of regret, but no frustration, guilt or shame. Therefore, instead of fighting against the flow of life, the Sage can smoothly follow the flow of life with no stress and no anxiety; totally 190

“As whenever a Sage is called by name, he responds to his name being called. This means that also a Sage is identified with a particular body and name as a separate entity. An ordinary man also responds to his name being called, yet the difference lies in the fact that, while the ordinary man believes everyone is a doer of his or her action and is therefore responsible for it, the Sage is convinced that no one does anything. All actions are divine happenings. There is no need to fear a jnani. He sees exactly as you see. If there are ten different people he sees them as ten different forms and shapes. But what he knows is that in those ten different shapes what functions is the same Consciousness. The differences are seen as differences, but what is seen at the same time is the unity in diversity. Suppose that you have ten different photographs of yourself taken in ten different costumes, including a woman’s dress. For anybody who sees them they’ll see ten different people, not only ten different costumes, but ten different people. But, you’ll know it is the same person. So what the jnani knows is that all these appearances are different, but what functions in those appearances is the same Unity - which the ordinary person doesn’t know. Basically, apart from this witnessing and non-witnessing, the underlying fact that I have noticed with enlightenment is that there are no expectations and no wants, which creates a sense of peace - waiting for whatever is to happen to happen. That does not mean thoughts of expectations don’t arise. They arise. The curious part of it is that many of them do get satisfied. Whenever such a thing happens, a tremendous surge of gratitude arises.” SAGES’ CHARACTERISTICS Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, and Yoga literature is replete with the description of the changes that spontaneously occur by consequence of the total 191

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•

All acts being aesthetic and refined – such a person’s walk is a dance and the normal gesticulation is a divine mudra that attracts all

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Some of these are: • Seeking no return for one’s selfless acts

Not identifying with body states; not being mentally affected by the presence of disease which is understood as a mere chemical reaction in the body’s test tube

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Carefully concealing one’s spiritual attainments

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Feeling there is no need to defend oneself

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Having no fears

Ability to know the minds of others but not exhibiting that ability – only using it to help others.

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No differentiation between one form of life or another

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Awareness of the totality of consciousness in the entire universe simultaneously

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Easy access to knowledge -mastery over the three states of consciousness – wakefulness, dream and sleep mastery over desires.

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Sense experiences being viewed as doorways to inward perception – all sensations on the body surface becoming pathways to enter the inward consciousness

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Absolute compassion -non-violence - inability to become angry -Sensitivity to what is causing someone to become frustrated

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Total annihilation of ego,= utmost humility

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Never becoming agitated = a peaceful presence radiating and pacifying those who come in contact – mildness

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Forgetting instantly whatever benevolence one has conferred

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Total concentration and absorption resulting in equanimity

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Ability to remain on both shores simultaneously – fully merged while acting in the world and ability to guide one or a million persons all over the world, as one transcends the boundaries of space and time. Mastery over the forces of time – and even choosing the time of one’s apparent so-called death, and leaving the body consciously

understanding. These are just some of the symptoms of gradual enlightenment, not an exhaustive list but a demonstrative one. As to full enlightenment: think of any limits and finites there are in your being, once they have dropped, you will know what enlightenment is.

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When powers over nature, siddhis, present themselves, the true Sage ignores them, and renounces them.

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C H A P T E R 26

Stages of Consciousness

In order to be effective truth must penetrate like an arrow and that is likely to hurt.

Complete Enlightenment and Total Understanding of Reality is a rare phenomenon and a partial awakening does not mean one is a Self-realized being. There are three basic stages of inner expansion: •

Awakening to Pure Awareness - the State of Presence behind the mind.

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Awakening to the Absolute State -unity with the unmanifested.

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Awakening of the Heart - expansion into the Divine.

In the first level of Consciousness it is the ego that replaces Consciousness and is under the illusion that it is the perceiver and therefore there is a subject observing the world of manifestation. In this case, mountains and rivers are seen as separate realities. In the second level of Consciousness the awakening process allows the ego to realize the whole world is just like a dream and unreal, 194

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his ego becomes more aware of the Presence of Consciousness within, and gradually an inner transformation takes place. When understanding rises to this level, there is a release of pressure generated by his own ego and a sense of freedom appears on the surface of Consciousness. Yet he wants to convince the whole world to see the world in the same way as he does. He has the desire to teach others, telling them what to do and how to change. He still hasn’t realized that no matter how illuminated he is, he cannot pass his experiences to others nor can he change anyone, as real change can only come from within each person. In the final awakening stage, the Sage has realized that everything that he sees depends on Consciousness, the pure impersonal level of Consciousness that permeates everyone and everything. The Sage has realized and accepted totally that as an ego he cannot perceive anything, as everything he becomes aware of is perceived and created by Consciousness, and that all he may perceive around him, is perceived not by his thinking self - the ego, because the true perceiver in him is Impersonal Consciousness Itself, since the Creator of manifestation and the Created manifestation are both the same. Impersonal Consciousness is the creator and Consciousness is the perceiver. This level of awakening is what is sometimes referred to as enlightenment. Sages tell us that awakening means the sudden, instantaneous, intuitive and therefore subjective perception that the subject-object relationship is totally the mere fruit of imagination, and that in reality, subject and object do not exist except as illusions, interpreted in a dualistic approach and, like any product of the mind, they are based on concepts that can change. All Sages recognize this and also agree in saying that in reality there is neither a perceiver nor a perception – there is only the act of perceiving, which is the subjective aspect of Consciousness, called sometimes Unicity, pure Consciousness. “The Practical Advaita and the Theoretical Advaita are very different. In the Theoretical Advaita, the Self is 195

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the only reality, there is no Path and we are all already awakened. But Practical Advaita knows that there is a long way to go before the truth of these statements can become our living truth.”

to say that it is not possible to know what we are – we can only BE. And used to define what we are as the absence of “presence-and-absence. Or in other words:

Ramesh stresses, “Awakening means that total disappearance of all phenomenal problems, resulting in a perpetual feeling of total freedom from all worries. It is a feeling of lightness, of floating in the air, untouched by the impurity and confusion of the split mind. It is as if the very root of all the problems has been demolished, as if Hydra has been fatally pierced in the heart to prevent the heads from growing again and again.” The hardest part of the evolution is the process of eliminating concepts. It is quite a challenge and slippery route. Concepts pop up unwanted. Concepts are deeply in-grooved, yet Sages of the calibre of Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaja and Ramesh Balsekar state that introspection and self-analysis are the life forces, which may allow the seeker to shift towards harmony and balance because it is in the very nature of Self-enquiry to do so. From the height of his total understanding Ramesh underlines that, “As three dimensional objects or mechanisms, we only have the choice of consciously aligning ourselves with the flow of life, or remaining in ignorance and resisting the natural order of the flow of life. To choose the latter means to remain disconnected from our own personal processes, our own Source, as well as the flow of life.” Nisargadatta’s explanation is simplicity itself, “Once you realize that the world is your own projection, you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not exist, except in your own imagination! Whatever the picture is, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginary to be real. See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear. What begins and ends is mere appearance. The world can be said to appear, but not to be. The appearance may last very long on some scale of time, and very short on another, but ultimately it comes to the same. Nisargadatta Maharaj used 196

1) The conceptual bondage arises only because each human phenomenon assumes himself to be an independent entity. As such he considers himself to be an independent entity. As such he considers himself subject to the bonds of space-time as something tangible and extraneous to his own existence. 2) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in the sense that noumenality is immanent in phenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of its own other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at the same time, transcend phenomenality because noumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merely the objective aspect of noumenality. It is the identification of noumenality with each separate phenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out of what is merely the operational element in a phenomenal object that produces the phantom of an autonomous individual, the ego, which considers itself to be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenal functioning as such is quite impersonal, and the illusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its place being merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. The impersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure, and it is only when the experience is interpreted by the pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencing the experience in duration, that the experiencing loses its intemporal, impersonal element of functioning and assumes the duality of objectivisation as subject/ object. 3) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite, imperceptible being. What we appear to be as a phenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptible separate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments in consciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusory entities absurdly expect to be able to transform ourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent of the conditioning to which we have been subjected. How 197

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can a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself? Only dis-identification with the supposed entity can bring the transformation. 4) It would seem that the mechanism of living is based on the belief that everything happens in life is the result of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenal objects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be an incorrect belief because it can be clearly seen that human beings react to an outside stimulus rather than act volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence of reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might be considered as acts of will or volition. Their way of life is very much conditioned by instinct, habit, propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a futile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apart from psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity to exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal functioning and the inexorable chain of causation. In the absence of an entity – redundant in the absence of volition-, who is there to exercise the illusory volition and who is there to experience the results of it? Who is there to be liberated? The deepest possible understanding of those basics of the Teaching leads to spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is the experiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, which is noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads to the immense awakening that this life is a great dream. Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense of self-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but the non-volitional witnessing of all that happens during the remainder of our allotted span? Such non volitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happens without judging – arises along with non-objective relation both to oneself and others. A non- objective relation to oneself occurs when there is no thought of oneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic. To know what one is without the slightest need of any explanation from anyone, to have the deepest possible 198

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conviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any traceelement of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching. The total lack of any objective quality can only mean the absence of the very concept of both presence and the absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. A non-objective relation to oneself naturally results in a non-objective relation to others, which means ceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient or insentient, as objects. The result is the elimination of the misunderstanding known as ignorance, which in effect means the realization of our true nature. It is only when the phenomenal self is absent that the noumenal “I” can be present. Ramesh clarifies on the basis of his own experience, “The final stage of Self-enquiry is reached when an effortless awareness “I am” prevails, though not continuously. Self-realization is when the effortless awareness is constant, but the important point is that this state cannot be achieved for the simple reason that the “me” who is supposed to make the effort is on his way to annihilation. Self-realization or Enlightenment is nothing more than the deepest possible understanding that there is no individual doer of any action - neither you nor anyone else. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts, nor the experiencer of an experience - they happen. When IT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head! The joke is, as Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, that all there is, is Consciousness, therefore what Consciousness is seeking as Its source is Itself. The search goes no till there is apperception that Consciousness is the I awareness that cannot be aware of Itself because awareness knows no self of which it could be aware. How can ‘I’ be known? I cannot. How can ‘I’ be experienced? I cannot. Only God can be experienced because He is my concept, my object. But when conceptualizing is in abeyance – the mind is fasting – and time and space are also in abeyance together with all the concepts, I AM all that you are as my “self”; how can I have any other? When the shadow of the ultimate object has disappeared, leaving nothing sensorially perceptible to be found, what remains, is what I am (and what you are).” 199

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Strangely enough both Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta Maharaj speak of witnessing their death: Nisargadatta Maharaj, during one of his usual talks with his visitors, stressed that for the full realization of the Self, it was necessary to witness one’s own death. He said that it had happened to him after he thought that he had fully realized the Self, and it wasn’t until after this death experience that he understood that this process was necessary for final liberation.

through us. Eventually it has been accepted it is not our action and the state of mind where nothing is desired, but all accepted will result in actions perfectly appropriate to time and place. These flowing, natural actions serve the purpose of greater harmony and balance even in the case of a sadhak steeped in non-action and stillness.

As a boy of seventeen, Ramana sat alone in a room in his uncle’s house overcome by a powerful premonition of death. There was nothing wrong with his health. He just suddenly felt that he was going to die. Instead of trying to escape this primordial fear, instead of running for help or seeking some distraction, he simply lay down and experienced the fear in all of its intensity and detail. In his own words, he describes this experience as follows. “The shock of death made me at once introspective. I said to myself mentally, ‘Now death is coming. What does it mean? What is it that dies? This body dies.’ As I said so to myself, symptoms of death followed, yet I remained conscious of the inert bodily condition as well as of the ‘I’ quite apart from it. On stretching the limbs they became rigid, breath had stopped, and there was hardly any symptom of life in the body. ‘Well, then,’ I said to myself, ‘This body is dead. It will be carried off to the burning ground and reduced to ashes. But with the death of the body, am ‘I’ dead? This body cannot be the ‘I’, for it now lies silent and inert, while I feel the full force of my personality, of the ‘I’ existing by itself—apart from the body. So, ‘I’ am the Spirit, a thing transcending the body.’ All this was not a mere intellectual process. It flashed before me vividly as living truth, a matter of indubitable and direct experience, which has continued from that moment right up to this time.” Non-Dual teachings bring us to impersonal witnessed action, which implies that it is spontaneous, natural, and effortless. As when the total and ultimate understanding is given by the Source, all action simply and freely flows 200

Ramesh punctually clarifies, “No one can get enlightenment. This is the very root of the teaching. It means that it’s stupid for any so-called Master to ask anyone to do anything to achieve or get enlightenment. The core of this simple statement means, according to my concept, that enlightenment is the annihilation of the “one” who “wants” enlightenment. If there is enlightenmentwhich can only happen because it is the will of God-then it means that the “one” who had earlier wanted enlightenment has been annihilated. So no “one” can achieve enlightenment, and therefore no “one” can enjoy enlightenment. If you think it is in your control, I suggest that you go after a million dollars instead of enlightenment, because if you get the million dollars then there will be someone to enjoy that million dollars. But if you go after enlightenment and enlightenment happens, there will be no “one” to enjoy enlightenment. The basic split of duality happens in Consciousness Itself, as a part of the process of perceiving the manifestation. For any manifestation to exist, it has to be observed. For observing to happen an observed object and an observer object are required. This duality between the observer object and the observed object is the basic split. In the human, the split goes even deeper into the dualism of “me” and the other. The observer object assumes the subjectivity of the Absolute or Totality or God, saying, “I am the subject, the rest of the world is my object.” The moment the “me” and the other come into play, duality gets further subdivided into dualism. The observer object considers himself the observer subject, the experiencer, the doer. “Enlightenment is merely the reverse process where the pseudo-subject realizes that there cannot be a separate entity and the body-mind can only function as an instrument in the manifestation of Totality. When the 201

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sense of doership is lost, dualism is restored to its basic duality. Duality is an essential mechanism in phenomenality. Enlightenment is thus nothing but the reverse process from dualism to duality, the end of the sense of personal doership. There is the deepest possible realization that the individual human being is not a separate entity, but merely an instrument through which Totality or God functions. That is all it really means, a transformation from oneself as doer to an absence of the sense of doership.”

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A Few Hints on Advaita

Everything cognized is just what is called ‘mind’, And what is called ‘mind’ is just the cognizing of everything.

“Maya tricks us with regard to our selves” Life itself is an ethereal substance in search of a vehicle of some kind to express its intangible and immaterial nature, and the invisible. Advaita, in Sanskrit, means “non-duality”; a state that can be ascribed to God or the Absolute alone. It is not accessible to reason, for the ego-bound mind in the waking condition cannot step out of the duality of the subject-object relationship. The concept of non-duality has acquired meaning in the West through the latest discoveries of nuclear physics. Advaita-Vedànta, represents one of the three systems of thought in Vedânta and its most important representative is Shankara. Advaita-Vedànta teaches that the manifest creation and God are identical. Similarly particle physicists have discovered that matter consists of continually moving fields of energy, just as millennia ago the rishis, the Sages 202

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of Vedânta, recognized that reality consists of energy in the form of Consciousness and therfore Brahman is realized to be one’s true self. This self is not tied to the body or intellect and is free from all limitation and sorrow. Such knowledge rises through proper understanding and not by devotion or works.

The manner in which we perceive reality influences our way of being in the world, our path of action. Further nondualism views the universe and all of its manifestations as operating according to a set of unchanging, natural laws. As an inseparable part of Consciousness, human beings can gain knowledge of these laws and become attuned to them and aligning with these principles provides a universal perspective. Comprehending these truths allows one to live in harmony with Consciousness and life becomes a full expression of that Consciousness.

Vivekananda used to say that Advaita is the only philosophical system, which may give man complete understanding and freedom as it removes all dependence on superstitions and ignorance. Advaita Vedanta is the most influential Hindu philosophy and as in all forms of Vedanta, it attempts to synthesize the teachings of the Upanishads into a single coherent doctrine, yet unlike other forms of Vedanta, it teaches that there exists only Consciousness or the Source and everything else is simply illusory. Advaita Vedanta is closely associated with Jñana Yoga, the yoga of knowledge. The core of Advaita is that all life, all manifestation, is part of an inseparable whole, an interconnected organic unity, which arises from a deep, mysterious, and essentially unexplainable Source, which is all that exists. Everything conceivable is contained within this principle. Western translators have compared this concept of Consciousness to the idea of God, Universal Mind, or Absolute Reality, but whatever the name it really makes no difference. Advaita Vedanta is also referred to as nondualism, non-duality, monism, Mayavada, or the Sankara philosophy, but is generally abbreviated into “Advaita” or “Vedanta.” This principle, which is the fundamental principle of the Upanishads on which Advaita is based, can be expressed for a Western mind in terms of an equation: Atman or Soul = Brahman or God = There is only one awareness, Brahman and all the rest is Maya, illusions

According to Advaita, only the innermost part of us is aware or conscious. Nothing other than the Atman can do, feel, see or know anything, therefore the atman is the only reality in all of us. By investigating the “Who am I” or the opposite technique, “Who is the doer?” as well as our surroundings; by remembering that we are part of an interconnected whole, and by remaining still until action is called forth, we can perform a valuable service in the world. When we become aware, if only momentarily, of the oneness of everything then we will analyse who is the actual doer of any action and be able to discriminate on the – who am I-. Eventually detachment will drop by itself, and actions will be spontaneous and effortless, allowing us to flow with life. As a natural consequence we will intuitively know that actions, which are not ego-motivated, but in response to the needs of the environment, lead toward harmonious balance and give ultimate meaning and “purpose” to our lives. Such actions are attuned to the deepest flow of life itself. What distinguishes Advaita from other interpretations of the Upanishads is that Advaita asserts that since there is only one Brahman, there is only one Atman. There’s only one “me” and we all share it. We are all one, all that exists is Brahman.

Advaitic wisdom is organized around several key principles and, like any philosophical outlook, presents a way of seeing and understanding reality. The path includes both the way in which we perceive the world around us and also the way in which we interact with life.

Ramesh stresses, “The comprehension of Truth cannot be dualistic. There exists no apperceiver and no object apperceived. There only exists ‘apperceiving’. Truth is that which lies in a dimension beyond the reach of thought. Realization is a happening in Consciousness where Consciousness arises out of It’s own will and where a deeper understanding happens which allows one to totally

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accept the non-doership of the ego. The ego will gradually have less strength. If you answer a child his basic questions on creation, “Who made me?” saying, “God has created you.” The child will immediately ask, “Then who made God?” This continues ad infinitum, because all opposites and all complementaries are the distinctive feature of the mechanism of duality in which the phenomenal universe appears. Knowledge is only the interrelated opposite of ignorance. And what we are is prior to both knowledge and ignorance, which can only be concepts. The real problem is that the total phenomenal universe is an appearance in Consciousness, without any independent substance to separate it from Consciousness.”

“So long as the body-mind continues, duality is still there. Whatever the body-mind does in duration, in space-time, is in duality. What is absent in enlightenment is dualism, “me” as a separate entity and “you” as another separate entity. (CS 138)

Advaita or non-dualistic teachings are practical and may well be utilized as a guide to daily living. Their greatest value lies in clues directing us toward our own process of self-exploration, growth, and transformation, connecting us to our deeper selves and to the world around us. The teachings of the Sages provide us with excellent counsel on how this state of harmonious understanding and connectedness may happen. Yet, to make us ponder even at deeper levels, Ramesh strikingly points out, “Ramana Maharshi, as the final truth, begins by saying there is no creation and no dissolution. So if there is no creation, “who” can ask any questions? If it is accepted that there is no creation, then the creation that is seen is illusory. The basic point is this: Unicity-the Source (non-duality) - is really a concept. Manifestation – duality, - also a concept, is what we live in. Thus all questions will be in duality. For example, you go out into the sun. There is a shadow. Is the shadow real or unreal? The answer is the shadow is real in certain circumstances and unreal in other circumstances. When you go out into the sun, the shadow is very much real-you can see it. But when you come inside, when you are home, there is no shadow. Likewise, when you are in duality you exist. But when you are not in duality-when you are in deep sleep-there is no you. So, you exist in the waking state, in duality, and you do not exist in deep sleep. 206

There can be no manifestation unless it is observed through the body; there can be no observation unless there is the mind; there is no mind unless there is consciousness in the body-mind organism; and where can the consciousness in the body-mind organism come from except from CONSCIOUSNESS, or the SOURCE? There is, therefore, no duality-only UNICITY. “In fact, there has been neither creation nor destruction. Bondage lasts only as long as mind invests a perceived object with reality. Once that notion disappears, with it goes the supposed bondage. Here, in this objectified creation, only that which is thus objectified grows and decays. It is in this conceptualization and objectification that the duality is conceived as the very basis of the manifestation. Duality is necessary so that manifested objects may be perceived and cognized in a framework of space and time in which the objects are extended. It is essential to bear in mind that while the manifestation thus created is of the nature of mere appearance or illusion, it is real enough in the sense that the manifestation is a reflection in Consciousness. The shadow has no substance or nature of its own, but without the substance the shadow cannot arise. Now a clever hypnotist can make 2,000 people believe something, which is not there. So if a clever hypnotist can make 2,000 people believe there is something solid where there is none, would it be difficult for the Divine, through hypnosis, to make each individual body-mind organism think that the world is real, solid? The seeing of Truth cannot be dualistic (a ‘thing’ seen). It cannot be seen by a see-er, or via a see-er. There can only be a seeing which itself is Truth. Wei Wu Wei 207

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Humility, metaphysically, implies the absence of any entity to be either ‘proud’ or ‘humble’.

as it challenges some of our most basic assumptions about who we are as human beings, and about our role in the world. From a psychological point of view, accepting the fact that we do not exercise any volitional control over situations in our lives, is a shock. At first we may resist as it must shatter all the beliefs we hold so dear, like the power of the mind or that we are the doer etc. Yet, the teachings of realized Sages such as Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj and Ramesh S. Balsekar may furnish us with specific practical guidelines to allow a peaceful state of harmony in daily living to surface from deep within. With the total understanding of these basic principles, and applying them to daily living, we may consciously become tranquility itself, and experience a total re-birth.

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The Keys

Nowadays our lives have become so nerve-racking and multifaceted, as we constantly have to deal with innumerable tasks, responsibilities, and crises on personal, local and global levels, that we naturally seek that which will restore us to a more balanced, harmonious, and satisfying way of living. Investigating Truth is the only true tool to lasting harmony and balance. The concept of non-doership and non-dualism may at first appear totally in opposition to some of our most cherished cultural values. The idea of life having no purpose except to experience the flow of Consciousness may be difficult for people to accept who are attached to the belief that they are making their own decisions. Particularly in the context of modern day living this Truth may appear unthinkable, even frightening, certainly antisocial and perhaps a little pathological. To allow oneself to “wander through life without purpose” can be upsetting, 208

Most of us who have undergone any spiritual training based on personal effort and ‘achieving’ may at first feel either cheated by prior teachings or aghast and perplexed. Ramesh turns around the issue, but reaffirms, “The non finding of the answer to the question ‘what am I’ is itself the finding, because if this not finding leads to the abandoning of the conceptual search and to the apperception of what non-conceptually I am. Such abandonment would include not only the search but, far more significantly, abandoning the conceptual seeker himself! What the finding would amount to is: phenomenally speaking, we can be said to be the concept conceived - the seeker - and that which is conceptualizing - the sought – the seeker being the sought, and vice versa, in other words, ‘conceptuality’; noumenally speaking, we being ‘upstream’ of conceptualization’ and thus not able to conceive or to be conceived, in other words, ‘non conceptuality.’ Therefore non -conceptuality cannot be grasped conceptually. Phenomenally what we appear to be – is conceptual, whereas what we are is nonconceptuality itself, thus clearly unknowable conceptuality i.e. within the apparent limits of space-time. What we are - non-conceptually - therefore must necessarily be ‘the not-knowing of knowing’, the infinite and intemporal, neither any thing nor nothing. Practically, what we appear to be can never cognize what we are 209

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because what we are is what cognizes. What we are cannot be comprehended because there is no subject other than what we are. If what we are is to be comprehended as an object, there would have to be another subject to comprehend it.”

inertia, laziness, or mere passivity, rather the experience of swimming with the current. The contemporary expression, “going with the flow,” is a direct expression of this fundamental non-doership principle, which in its most basic form, refers to behavior occurring in response to the flow of life.

The principle of non-dualism and non-doership contains certain implications and produces psychological deep-rooted re-conditionings. Foremost among these is the need to consciously experience we are part of the Source and that the Source is functioning through us by practicing some simple self-enquiry. Many suggest being quiet and in stillness or concentrated. Ramesh simply advises to be silent and comfortable and to enquire if we really were the doers of any action during the day. The self-analysis or introspection is the tool where, with discrimination and enquiry into the nature of the self and into non-doership, we may go deeper and deeper discarding all false concepts, enjoying the puzzle of the misconception. My experience was the deepest release from all tensions and frustrations. Yet the final understanding may drop in if it is God’s will and not because of our punctuality in the practice. The practice is a mere aid in preparing the field for the happening, which will also teach us to rely and trust God more than our logical mind. This being in itself a great panacea, when it is totally accepted through our personal investigation that the Source is the sole doer, our direct connection to the Source will give us strength and tranquility which are already great boons in daily living as our approach to life will turn 180 degrees. Total acceptance may happen the more we trust the charioteer of our life. The understanding is our own experience and not anybody else’s, as we may realize by our own enquiry that we never were the doers as the ‘me’ wished us to think; therefore whatever happens is accepted totally and we end up in feeling comfortable with ourselves and with others.

The essential changes result in an organic type of life as an interconnected whole, which undergoes constant transformation. Deepening the personal investigation we soon also recognize the reverse of the same medal: and we will wonder at who we really are if we are not the doers separate from the Source. Detachment is a state, and not a sum total of achieved indifferences and we ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather we as Reality Itself illusorily conceived. Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’. As a consequence we apperceive that past and future are a duality of which the present is the reality. The “nowmoment” alone is eternal and real and spontaneity is being present in the present. Spontaneity by-passes the processes of the conceptual aspect of the mind and with this new approach, a total reintegration with Nature will happen, because nature is what we are.

So, the key to lasting joy of peace in daily living is offered by the actor-less action. Non-doership is devoid of any sense of separateness. The actor-less action is spontaneous and effortless, yet it is not to be considered

On the very same lines these words from Nisargadatta Maharaj should make us ponder, “That which you are, your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do for your own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it is your basic urge. Since time immemorial you loved yourself, but not wisely. Use your body and mind wisely in the service of the self, that is all. Be true to your own self, love your self absolutely. Do not pretend that you love others as yourself. Unless you have realized them as one with yourself, you cannot love them. Don’t pretend to be what you are not; don’t refuse to be what you are. Your love of others is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause. Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. When you know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through all that is, and you are that life, you will love all naturally and spontaneously. When you realize the depth and

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fullness of your love for yourself, you know that every living being and the entire universe are included in your affection. But when you look at any thing as separate from you, you cannot love it for you are afraid of it. Alienation causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious circle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for it resolutely.”

are only divine happenings. That is the conclusion you arrive at from your own experience. Then what was once an intellectual concept becomes the personal truth from your own investigation. Find out what happens from your personal experience, not because of a concept. From your own personal experience find out whether what you think is “your” action is really someone’s action. Or is it merely the reaction of the brain to an input over which you have no control, according to the programming over which you have had no control?

To allow Consciousness to manifest in our lives may seem like an overwhelming task. And yet, if we pause to enquire and reflect on our past experiences, we may recall many instances when our actions were spontaneous and natural, when they arose out of a thought that happened and acceptance was integrated in our acceptance of what was. Ramesh gives a simple technique to those who still believe something is needed, “At the end of the day make yourself comfortable, and try this very simple investigation: among the many events of the day. Choose one single action that you would challenge anybody to prove it is not your action. Ask yourself, “Did I decide to do this?” If you go deeper and deeper in the analysis, you will recollect you had a thought, and that you never had any control over that thought that crept in the mind. Then you will see that if the thought had not happened, there would not have been any action. If you still go deeper, without exception, you will discover that if you had not been in a certain place at certain time, and if you had not heard, seen or felt something, you would not have ‘done’ the action you were so sure you had carried out. The happening of being in a certain place and the happening of seeing or hearing something, happened, and produced the action you were so sure was YOUR ACTION, while you never had any control over it. Then, out of your own investigation, a flash of total acceptance is likely to happen. When this flash of total understanding happens there will be no more doubts, but it may happen only you’re your personal investigation of those actions you really thought could not possibly be NOT-YOUR-ACTIONS. At the end of repeated investigations, you will you come to the conclusion that no one does any action; that all actions 212

If one follows the pointers from Ramana Maharshi, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramesh Balsekar, of practicing a simple self-investigation, the practice will bring to the effortless acceptance of non-doership, the non-action of the individual, and nothing remains a mystery any longer, all gets interconnected. This means trusting our own bodies, our thoughts and emotions as Consciousness willed, and also believing that Consciousness, as all there is, will provide support and guidance for whatever was planned by Consciousness acting through us. Vigilance, tranquility, and quietness of mind will find all doors open to settle in. According to Advaita the real you is the part that is aware, not anything that you’re aware of. Enquiry and discrimination are the main components of the traditional method of Jñana Yoga. By practicing self-investigation, we will happen to discover that everything we currently regard as ‘I’ is merely part of our mind and this particular ‘I’ is the ‘me’ of the ego, which is not the one who is aware. The awareness in us is not part of the mind, or of any component of the three dimensional object this body really is, and therefore, no matter how hard we try, we cannot focus our attention on the part that is aware. If we could, it would become something of which we are aware. Ramana suggested Self-inquiry. “By Self-enquiry, holding onto the inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all other thoughts and that to maintain one’s attention on this inner feeling of ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantly reminded the seekers that if they succeeded in remaining 213

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centered on this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all other thoughts, the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into the Heart-centre, which is a different term for the Source. Ramana clarifies that the practice of self-attention or awareness of the “I” thought is a gentle technique that bypasses the usual repressive methods of controlling the mind. It is not an exercise of concentration, nor does it aim at suppressing thoughts. It merely invokes awareness of the Source from which the mind springs. The method and goal of self-enquiry is to abide in the Source of the mind and to be aware of what one really is by withdrawing attention and interest from what one is not.” If we practice for a long period Ramana Maharshi’s or Ramesh Balsekar’s method of self-enquiry – vichara., eventually we will become convinced that our ordinary sense of ‘I’-our ego- is not who we truly are. Eventually we will realize it’s an illusion. Self-enquiry also involves a second question, “To whom does this thought arise?” And Ramana would invariably answer, “Know the doubter. If the doubter is held, the doubts will not arise. When the doubter ceases to exist, there will be no doubts arising. From where will they arise? All are jnanis, jivan-muktas, but nobody is aware of it. Doubts must be uprooted and this entails that the doubter must be uprooted. Whenever the mind goes astray and your concentration is interrupted by a thought, during meditation or Self analysis, ask yourself, ‘To whom does this thought arise?’ because the answer causes the attention to return to the feeling of ‘I’ where it belongs. And the Tao approach expounded by Wei Wu Wei in few lines offers a deep insight:

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Confusion

The day that you GET IT there will be no one there to say, “I’ve got it!” Which is just as well since there will be no one there to hear it.

You are the one who has to dive deep and fly above the clouds of confusion. No one can do this for you. Masters, Seers, Saints, Gurus may point the way, but you are the one who has to have the interest and the willingness to fight the devil of confusion and finish the game. The socalled enlightenment or dawning of constant peace cannot be sought from someone else, others can only point us in the right direction.

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only phenomenally a freedom. ‘Living free’ is being ‘as one is’. Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? It is not even a ‘doing’: it is beyond doing and not-doing. It is being as-we-are.

Sadly this search for spiritual insights from others, may sometimes lead to further spiritual confusion. Ramana was asked about the necessity of a teacher and he answered, “If they can help in the quest of the Self. But can they help? Can religion, which teaches you to look outside yourself, which promises a heaven and a reward outside yourself, can this help you? It is only by diving deep into the Spiritual Heart that one can find the Self.”

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Nowadays there is a customary belief and common demand to ‘attain’ from teachers the understanding. True teachers may push you to the door from where the quantum leap may happen, but they cannot jump for you. It cannot happen through someone else. This renders it needful to stress that not even the best of Gurus can bestow final and lasting realization. Many are not even capable of giving you a glimpse. And even when the disciple has the best Guru, it is the disciple who has to investigate and the Guru cannot do that for him. There surely are sincere teachers, but they can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

outside, if any such distinction could be made between inside and outside. Concepts trigger us all the time, but as Ramana Maharshi stresses, “Affective fixation on the personality of a teacher or Guru, may become a serious obstacle to ‘liberation’ as often the Guru himself risks becoming the target.” The Chinese Masters went to the extreme of teaching their monks to kill the Buddha if by chance they met him.

Keeping in mind that the Saint is a man who disciplines his ego, while the Sage is a man who rids himself of his ego, the seeking has to proceed towards the programmed goal that your destiny set out for you. It is already predetermined and you have no choice. The seeking happens, and a Guru appears. Many feel so blessed, as they feel the Guru has called him, yet this stage and Gurudisciple relationship has to be analyzed deeply. Ramesh underlines, “God predetermines all the details and prompts all thoughts, how can the happening of meeting a Guru be a call from a physical Guru? The Guru, as with anything that happens, is planned by God’s will or Cosmic Law, and not by any miraculous powers of the individual body-mind organism. Nor is it the Guru himself (finding and calling) the disciple. It is all a play of Consciousness, so that Consciousness may free Its reflection from the claws of ignorance, because the atma feels the constrictions of the limited body and wishes to return free to the Source. Consciousness creates links, attractions and rejections even in this sacred relationship. To follow and be grateful to the realized teacher, as the agent of Consciousness, feeling devotion only to God, is the correct way. Gratefulness may arise when peace and joy is happening, that is all. There are only pointers to deepen the understanding about ‘enlightenment,’ as it cannot be taught. The understanding alone that there is no individualdoer, but only Consciousness in manifestation will also bring the firm belief that the Sadguru is inside and not 216

The intellectual understanding that our ‘selves’ do not exist is difficult and few wish even to try to understand being only interested in worldly pursuits. Doctrines, scriptures, sutras, and essays are initially the best pointers, yet even these concepts only help the understanding to happen. They should be a source of stimulation, nothing more, as if adopted, they may end up by being a hindrance for the ultimate understanding to happen. Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, “Surrender to your own self of which everything is an expression. Beware of all that makes you dependant. Most of the so-called ‘surrenders to the Guru’ end in disappointment, if not in tragedy. Fortunately an earnest seeker will disentangle himself in time, the wiser for the experience.” Ramesh goes into details, “Maharaj used to emphasize that the individual really does not exist as an independent entity and therefore, when he was talking to a disciple, it was Consciousness talking to Consciousness – and not one individual to another – and that unless this fact was clearly understood and constantly kept in mind, nothing worthwhile would emerge from the talks. Maharaj did not deny that in the beginning the Guru could be regarded by the disciple, as the embodiment of Truth in the form of a human being who had known and experienced Reality, and therefore apt to remove the disciples doubts and difficulties, and that in the process the disciple was bound to develop a personal feeling of love and respect towards the Guru. The point that Maharaj conveyed and emphasized was that the disciple should not allow that love and reverence for the person of the Guru to become an impediment to the clear understanding that the Guru is not an individual, that the Guru himself, being 217

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identified with Reality, sees others also, including the disciples, as pure Consciousness, and therefore, unless the disciple too is ready and prepared to see the falseness of his own individuality, the relationship between Guru and disciple in relativity would not fructify into Reality. In this fructification the knowledge that perhaps was not unknown intellectually to the disciple, but was still hazy in its application, suddenly comes into sharp focus, and into that sharp focal point merges the disciple’s individuality.

When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked if one could have more than one Guru he stressed, “There is only one Sadguru and that is the Consciousness that every sentient being has on his own, the knowledge ‘I AM’, the sense of being alive and present. Subject to this Sadguru, it is possible and even sometimes necessary to have more than one Guru according one’s circumstances, spiritual development and inherent tendencies. Yet the important point to remember is that from the point of view of the Guru, there are no disciples as such, as there is no one outside himself. It is only from the point of view of the seeker that there is a Guru.”

“It is just as well that we have plunged ourselves right into the middle of the Guru disciple relationship, but broadly speaking, questions will never cease if it is not considered from the view point of the functioning of manifestation as a whole. The individual is after all, only a small part of the totality of manifestation and anything viewed from his view point is necessarily a very limited “framework.’ And if you ask ‘What does the Guru actually do?’, the straightforward answer to this query would be that the Guru, not being any individual, but pure Consciousness, actually does nothing other than merely watching or witnessing the advice given to an individual phenomenon and that advice being received according to the receptive capacity in each case. As Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say,’ all I do is to present a mirror in which to see your true Self. Thereafter what extent the seed of the Guru’s advice takes root, flowers and blossoms into enlightenment would depend upon the working plan of Providence or the Source. “It is necessary to go deeply into the question of what the Guru is actually supposed to do, because quite often the seeker goes to the Guru with the hope, the belief and the conviction that once he has been accepted by the Guru, it is the responsibility of the Guru to provide him with liberation or awakening or enlightenment. This is entirely a wrong notion. Such an expectation is likely to cause great frustration. Enlightenment is an event, a movement in Consciousness, which bridges the relative manifest with the Absolute Unmanifest, which by its very nature signals the total dissolution of the very entity that wished to enjoy it.” 218

Ramesh has a great sense of humour and underlines, “The result of a teaching is either confusion or clarity. Every teacher is unique, producing either confusion or clarity. So if a teaching produces confusion, why does it? The teacher certainly didn’t intend that you should be confused. Yet the only reason a teacher happens to be confused it is simply due to God’s will. Why? Because they should confuse others. And why does this happen? Because it is God’s will. Do you know why it is God’s will? There is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita which says: “There is only one seeker among thousands of people, and among those who seek hardly one knows me in principle.” So the thousands of seekers have got to be confused. how can they be confused unless there are teachers who are confused? Even that is God’s will-that is my point. Or the teacher may not be confused, but the disciple isn’t ready. That is God’s will too. You can’t blame anybody for anything. That is why it is also said in the Bhagavad Gita: “You can commit no sin nor can you do a meritorious deed.” A useful analysis is also discriminating and verifying how many of the disciplines or practices, recommended as necessary, for the ‘attainment of realization’ are not in reality the qualities of the Sages’ state of mind erroneously suggested as means? There seem to be two kinds of seekers: those who seek to make their ego holy, happy, unselfish or as Wei Wu Wei states -as though you could make a fish ‘unfish’-, and those who understand that all 219

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such attempts may well be mere play-acting, and that the only useful self-analysis is to disidentify from the doeractor role, by realizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of their eternal identity with pure being, as in reality we only have to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as a notion. It is necessary to understand the ‘I Am’, in order that ‘I’ may know that ‘I Am Not’, So that, at last, ‘I’ may realize that, ‘I Am Not’, therefore ‘I Am.’ In reality we are not the ego, but we are possessed by the idea of having one. Ramesh points out, “He who rules men lives in confusion. He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow. The Tao therefore desires neither to influence others nor to be influenced by them. The way to get clear of confusion and free of sorrow is to live with Tao in the land of the great void. If a man is crossing a river and an empty boat collides with his own skiff, even though he be a bad-tempered man, he will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in the boat he will shout at him to steer clear. If the shout is not heard, he will shout again and yet again, and begin cursing. Yet, if the boat were empty he would not be shouting and not angry. If you can empty your own boat, crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you. No one will seek to harm you. He who can free himself from achievement and from pain descends and is lost amid the masses of men. He will flow like Tao, unseen. He will go about like life itself, with no name and no home. Simple is he without destination. To all appearances he is a fool. His steps leave no trace. He has no power. He achieves nothing. He has no reputation. Since he judges no one, no one judges him. Such is the perfect man. His boat is empty.” Wu Wei states, “There is no mystery whatever - only inability to perceive the obvious.

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Who Created the Ego?

To any conceptual problem there cannot be any valid answer except to see the problem in perspective, as an empty thought, and that there is no such thing as a “problem” which is other than merely conceptual.

Ramesh clarifies all misunderstandings about what the ego is, “The ego is Divine hypnosis. Where did the ego come from? All Masters stress the ego is the problem. All you have to do is simply give up “your” ego, but nobody tells you how to give up “your” ego. “You” are the ego! The “me” is the ego, and the ego is not going to commit suicide. ‘The ego could only have come from the same Source from which everything has come. The physical manifestation has come from the Source. The fictional “me” has come from the Source. While ‘seekers’ are told by most Masters that they should fight the ego, my concept is to accept it and not to fight it, just as “we” have not created the ego “we” cannot destroy it. The Source has created the ego, and, in some cases, the Source is in the process of destroying the ego. If you keep on fighting the ego, there is no way out.”

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Ramesh also advises to forget the teaching, letting it work by itself as the one “who” wants to remember the teaching is the ego. So Ramesh poignantly stresses, “Why does the ego want to remember the teaching? Because the ego wants to use that teaching to achieve something! But if you forget the teaching, the teaching leading to the understanding will work by itself. If the teaching doesn’t lead to the understanding, then it’s not worth it. So either way, all you have to do is to forget the teaching! It’s either effective or not effective. Will the ego want to contribute to its own annihilation? No. The ego wants the teaching only to be able to use it, to achieve something-not for its own annihilation. If the teaching is forgotten the ego is forgotten, and the teaching works by itself. Your effort is the obstruction. That is why I say forget the teaching -don’t try to use it. Let that understanding work at whatever level. The resistance is the ego, and the ego, I’m not joking, will not easily give up.”

takes its course with no involvement. The same happens with fear. For example, there are two ordinary people. Fear arises in the case of one, and fear does not arise in the case of the other. Arising of the fear has nothing to do with the ego, but the ego reacts to that fear. So ones says, “‘I’ was afraid, ‘I’ get afraid. ‘I’ wish ‘I’ could be like my friend who doesn’t become afraid.” So the involvement arises because of not being able to accept the programming. So there is a basic reaction and also the reaction of the ego. In the case of the sage a basic reaction happens because it is a programmed reaction of the brain. But there is no ego, and therefore there is no involvement of the ego. There is no reaction to the basic reaction by the ego.”

Ramesh subtly goes deeper and deeper erasing all doubts and possible questions, “What is meant by involvement? It is the judging by the ego, the thinking mind, which is the involvement. The working mind does just what it is programmed to do and accepts the consequences. Ego is the cause of all reactions. Anger arises because the brain reacts to what is heard or seen. The brain produces the anger, not the ego. Where does the ego come in? The ego reacts to the reaction of the brain. That is involvement. In the sage the anger arises as a reaction of the brain, but the sage witnesses it taking its course. The anger may result in an action. The sage watches the anger arise and take its action. The sage doesn’t say it was “I” who was angry and “I” did this act. The subsequent reaction to the basic reaction is the ego, represents the involvement. The original reaction is a physical reaction of the brain. The subsequent reaction is the ego. In the case of the ordinary person, he would say, “‘I’ was angry, ‘I’ shouldn’t be angry. My doctor has told me not to be angry, so therefore ‘I’ must do something not to get angry. ‘I’ must find some way not to get angry. ‘I’ must control myself.” This goes round and round and round. In the case of the sage anger arises and simply 222

Ramesh stresses, “The earliest conditioning is the firmest conditioning and is the basis of the personality. But conditioning is happening all the time, every moment. Whatever you hear, whatever you see is part of the conditioning. And that conditioning can amend the earlier conditioning. That you must fight the ego is prior conditioning. Now I’m telling you-don’t fight the ego. It is useless. The ego will not commit suicide. It is only that Power which created the ego that can destroy the ego. So accept the ego and let it continue as long as it is destined to continue. This is the conditioning that will alter the existing conditioning of being told to fight your ego. When I refer to destiny, is it the destiny of the body-mind organism and not the destiny of the ego, do not be confused! The ego has nothing to do with destiny. The ego does not have a destiny. It is the destiny of the body-mind organism. The destiny is always of the body-mind organism. The ego, frankly, doesn’t exist! So, what happens to the body-mind organism is the destiny of the body-mind organism. Whatever happens in life to that body-mind organism happens only to the body-mind organism - it does not happen to the ego. Yet the ego, because of the Divine hypnosis, thinks, “It is happening to me.” Further Ramesh compares the body mind organism to a computer, daily repeating, “The thinking mind and the ego are the same. Inherited tendencies are the programming. In some cases the programming is such that 223

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there is great resistance to total understanding, and in other cases the programming is such that it is wide open and there is great receptivity. The brain is part of the inert body-mind organism that cannot create anything. It can only receive and react. The brain is a reacting agent, an apparatus. A thought comes, the brain reacts to that thought, and that reaction is what Markus calls “his” action. A body-mind organism sees something or hears something, the brain reacts to it, and that reaction is what it calls “his” action. But the body-mind organism has no control over what will happen. it has no control over what thought will arise. The body-mind organism has no control over what he is going to see, or hear, or touch, or smell, or taste, therefore it has no control over what thought will arise or what it will see. The brain simply reacts to something over which nobody has any control, and how does the brain react? According to the programming-genes plus conditioning. If you have a personal computer, you put in an input. What will be the output? Exactly according to the way it is programmed. What can a personal computer do except bring out an output strictly according to the way it is programmed? And who puts in the input? Not the computer. You put in the input. So with the body-mind organism, which is a programmed instrument or computer, God puts in an input. He makes you hear something, see something. He sends a thought. That is the input.

and envy. What does this entail? It entails freedom from involvement. It is the involvement, which causes unhappiness - a little bit of happiness, a lot of unhappiness. So, accepting what happens as something with which no one cannot be involved and over which no one has any control at all, this is the freedom that whatever is happening is beyond the control of anyone. Therefore whatever is happening is just accepted as something, which is supposed to happen- and not by the will of any individual. Freedom from involvement is freedom from the bondage of the ego. The ego is restricted. So the ego who thought earlier that ‘he’ was free to do whatever “he” liked now finds there is no one to do what anybody wants. This is the freedom from responsibility, freedom from the sense of personal doership, and freedom from guilt or pride. This same freedom is translated by the ego as the loss of “its” own personal free will. So really this freedom is itself freedom from the ego, but the ego can’t feel this freedom. Ego feels “it” has lost the free will to do whatever it wants to do-which “it” thought “it” had. This was the confusion you felt - the freedom that arose from the loss of the sense of personal doership meant the loss of freedom for the ego. Does that make sense? Freedom from the sense of personal doership means loss of freedom for the ego. And that is the confusion, because there is still this identification of the ego with this body-mind organism called so and so. The ego still remains and feels terribly restricted.

We have all realized by experience that involvement, so Ramesh clarifies, “Ask yourselves, “who” gets involved? The ego gets involved. The freedom is the freedom from the ego. And the ego is the sense of personal doership. So the freedom is ultimately the freedom from the sense of personal doer-ship - both for this body-mind organism and other body-mind organisms. This is remarkable as far as you are concerned. Others may not accept this, but as far as you’re concerned the freedom extends to everybody. No one has free will. All that happens is that actions happen through the billions of body--mind computers. So there is no need for anyone to feel guilty or proud or hate anybody. This is the freedom that is reflected in your understanding - freedom from guilt, freedom from pride, freedom from hate 224

“Who” chooses? The ego chooses. But the ego chooses on what basis? My point is that the ego makes its “choice” on the programming it has received that is equal to the environmental conditioning over which the ego has no choice. Now, the ego has a valid question: In living in society I’m expected to make a choice-do I not make a choice? I say, “Of course you do.” But all I’m saying is that the choice you make, consider whether it is really “your” choice or does the choice happen? Ego is intellectual. Your mind-intellect and the ego are the same. “Me,” the ego, and the mind-intellect are the same. They are various names for the same thing, which arises in the body-mind organism and creates a feeling of separation, and that 225

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feeling of separation causes misery. In deep sleep this feeling of the mind-intellect does not exist. In deep sleep there is no you nor your mind; therefore, there is no misery. “The intellect, the ego, trying to grasp, to grab the teaching asks, “If I am not the doer, who is the doer? There is only doing-happening - no individual doer! Mind is the instrument that perceives things. The eyes don’t see the world. The mind sees the world through the eyes. The mind hears the world through the ears. The eyes and the ears are merely the mechanical part of it.” People ask Ramesh if there is anything unique about what he is saying and he says, “What is unique about what I am saying is that I begin with bhakti and end in understanding. What is bhakti? Thy will be done. The “me” says ‘You are all there is -Thy will be done.’ You can commit no sin nor can you do a meritorious deed. Your original understanding is clouded by ignorance. That is why you think in terms of sin and merit.” This is what Lord Krishna says in the early part of the Gita and ends up: ‘Surrender to Me and I will save you from all sins that you cannot help think you are doing.’ But the joke is even the surrendering is not in your control. Why? Because so long as there is an individual who says ‘I surrender’, there is a surrenderer - there is an individual ego. Why does Lord Krishna say, ‘I’ll save you from sins,’ Because he knows that Arjuna’s understanding, which is based on the programming of that body-mind organism, prevents Arjuna from understanding the Truth at the highest level. So Lord Krishna comes down to Arjuna’s level: ‘At your level you think that you are committing sins, then surrender to Me and I’ll save you.’ But what I’m saying is even the surrendering is not in Arjuna’s hands. The understanding is: ‘I can commit no sin because I commit no action. I don’t do any action, how can I commit a sin?” If that understanding happens suddenly, if it is God’s will, then the rest of it is not relevant. But if the body-mind organism is not programmed for the sudden understanding to happen, then Lord Krishna comes down to the lower and lower levels of the millions of Arjunas.”

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Effort or No Effort?

Making strenuous attempts may give opposite results.

At all times there were good people doing what they thought they should do and not doing what they should not do, practicing techniques and striving, yet in 99% of the cases, nothing happened. This high percentage of not happening should make one ponder and arrive at the conclusion there exists a programming of the Source or Cosmic Law also on spiritual evolution, whatever the effort or technique. Therefore Ramesh eventually concludes: “Would it not be simpler to witness the ‘Lila’ in all Its splendour and diversity while continuing to do what one thinks one should do?” When we discover that we cannot do anything, which is contrary to God’s will, we will realize we are exactly where we should be as per our genes and Cosmic Law, and further still, no fixed rules can be set for all individuals. Striving can help up to a certain point and at the very beginning. In reality the sadhak that chooses the 227

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striving cannot chose not to strive as that was his program willed by God, and all those who find happiness in doing what they really like, also are not choosing or exercising volition, as there is no such thing as volition, but the will of God for each speck of His.

stall by tempting him with succulent grass and preventing him from straying. The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance. Ask yourself ‘who works? What is destined to happen will happen. If you are destined not to work, Work cannot be had even if you hunt for it; if you are destined to work, you will not be able to avoid it; you will be forced to engage yourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power; you cannot renounce or retain as you choose. Enquiry is the only thing seekers can “do”, as once the mind had been emptied of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is the power of the Self, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into the Heart-centre and eventually destroys it, therefore the Source or God totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’. When realization happens, the mind and the individual self - both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought - are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Self remains.”

Paraphernalia are of no use at all. So much talk about something we know nothing about is conceptualization and it simply refers only to the mind. The best thing is be still and in silence and we find out ourselves. Absolute surrender to God, or the Universe, is the greatest-grace the Source can give us. No fancy packages. Anyone who is selling ‘enlightenment’ for mass consumption is to be avoided... All pointers seem to lead to a simple advice, “Just be an ordinary person and live an ordinary life. No method or experience can bring you closer to yourself. Just be.” About personal effort Ramesh emphatically repeats, “Seekers do not realize that all methods and techniques are utterly useless, unless they give up the illusion that they themselves are not autonomous entities with volition and choice, working towards the goal by God’s will. Actually, the ‘presence of a seeker-entity’ is the greatest obstruction and it inevitably prevents enlightenment. Yet even this huge obstacle is clearly part of our own programming by the Source. In reality, there is no difference between ignorance and enlightenment, as long as there is a conceptual entity to experience either condition. There is no practicer and nothing to practice – no seeker and nothing to seek. Deep apprehension of this is illumination.” Ramana states that it is impossible for us to make an effort beyond a certain extent, “You are prompted by the Self to any effort. Even the fact that you are interested in the quest is a manifestation of divine grace. It draws you from within. You only have to attempt to get in from outside. There is no quest without grace, nor is there grace active from within for him who does not seek the Self. Effort is necessary up to the state of realization. Up to that state there must be some effortless effort. Staying in the Self by one’s efforts is like training a roguish bull confined to his 228

Ramesh specifies further, “The true nature of Selfenquiry is not often clearly understood. The enquiry “who or what am I?” really means an effortless effort to find the source of the ego. This effortless effort leads to the apperception of Truth. Any other efforts made by a ‘supposed entity’ can only lead to frustration. It is only the effortless effort, passive witnessing, along the path pure understanding without a “me” as the comprehender - that can lead to the goalless goal, THAT which has always been here and now. The question of individual volition and personal effort is extremely subtle and difficult to understand. And yet it is absolutely necessary not only to understand it intellectually, but also to absorb it in our very being. Difficulties arise because most Masters seem to have taught predestination in theory but free will in practice! Jesus affirmed that without the will of God not even a sparrow can fall, and that the very hairs on one’s head are numbered, and the Koran very definitely affirms that all knowledge and power are with God and that He leads aright whom he wills and leads astray whom He wills. And yet both Jesus and the Koran exhort men to right effort and condemn sin. The apparent contradiction would easily be solved if one kept in mind the concept of 229

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spiritual evolution as understanding and that this very understanding produces the effortless effort. The absolute illusoriness of the human being and his so-called effort will be quickly understood by the one who is on the very brim of enlightenment, whereas someone who is much lower on the scale, will more easily accept the concept of effort, determination and concentration. Yet the type of human being, who relies on his personal effort at one stage, at a later stage may come to realize that such effort as is made is truly the effort of the totality of functioning and not the illusory individual doer.”

Their way of life is very much conditioned by instinct, habit, propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a futile gesture by an energized ‘me-concept’. Apart from psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity to exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal functioning and the inexorable chain of causation.”

“So long as a person considers effort as his personal effort, with the purpose of achieving something, he is rejecting the all-mightiness of the Almighty. So long as a person wants something from the Almighty, he is rejecting the fact of the, “thy will be done.” True love of God means surrender to Him, wanting nothing, not even salvation.”

The practice of meditation is represented by the three monkeys, who cover their eyes, ears and mouths so as to avoid the phenomenal world. The practice of non-meditation is ceasing to be the see-er, hearer or speaker while eyes, ears and mouths are fulfilling their function in daily life.

Nisargadatta Maharaj is saying the same thing when he subdivides the search in different stages, “When ignorance becomes obstinate, one’s character perverted, effort and pain become inevitable yet in complete obedience to nature there is no effort. The seed of spiritual life grows in silence and in darkness until its appointed hour. Stay open and quiet, that is all. What you seek is so near to you, that there is no place for a way or a path. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be given up. Just watch and remember, whatever you perceive is not you, not yours. So simple. When effort is needed, effort will appear. When effortless becomes essential, it will assert itself. You need not push life about. Just flow with it and give yourself completely to the task of the present moment, which is the dying to the now, because living is dying. It would seem that the mechanism of living is based on the belief that everything happens in life is the result of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenal objects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be an incorrect belief because it can be clearly seen that human beings react to an outside stimulus rather than act volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence of reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might be considered as acts of will or volition. 230

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Appendix

Profiles & Flashes on the Advaita Masters Mentioned in the Book

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C H A P T E R 32

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj : A Profile

“I am that by which I know ‘I am’.”

From his living room in the slums of Bombay, this selfrealized master became famous for brilliant, aphoristic, extemporized talks in which he taught an austere, minimalist Jnana Yoga based on his own experience. Many of these talks have been published in books. The earliest volume, I am That is widely regarded as a modern classic by practitioners of applied Advaita. “Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj was born in Bombay in 1897. His parents, who gave him the name Maruti, had a small farm at the village of Kandalgaon and it was here that he spent his early years. His father, Shivrampant, was a poor man who had been a servant in Bombay before turning to farming. Maruti worked on the farm as a boy. Although he grew up with little or no formal education, his father’s friend, Visnu Haribhau Gore, a pious Brahmin, exposed him to religious ideas. Maruti’s father died when the boy was 234

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eighteen, leaving behind his wife and six children. Maruti and his older brother left the farm to look for work in Mumbai. After a brief stint as a clerk, Maruti opened a shop selling children’s clothes, tobacco, and leaf-rolled cigarettes, called beedies, which are popular in India. The shop was modestly successful. In 1924 he married, and a son and three daughters soon followed. The family settled in Bombay. From early childhood he had taken a keen interest in spiritual matters, his talks with holy men sharpening his inquisitive mind and kindling a spiritual fire. At the age of 34 he met his Guru, Sri Siddharameshwar Maharaj, the head of the Inchegeri branch of the Navanath Sampradaya. The Guru gave a mantra and some instructions to Maruti and died soon after. Sri Nisargadatta later recalled: “My Guru ordered me to attend to the sense ‘I am’ and to give attention to nothing else. I just obeyed. I did not follow any particular course of breathing, or meditation, or study of scriptures. Whatever happened, I would turn away my attention from it and remain with the sense ‘I am’. It may look too simple, even crude. My only reason for doing it was that my Guru told me so. Yet it worked”

philosophical break from contemporary thought. Devotees traveled from all over the world to hear Nisargadatta’s unique message until his death in 1981. He would often remind ; “Just keep in mind the feeling “I am,” merge in it, till your mind and feeling become one. By repeated attempts you will stumble on the right balance of attention and affection and your mind will be firmly established in the thought-feeling ‘I am.’”

His wife died a long time ago, when Maharaj was in his forties. It is usual for men of this age who are widowed to marry again, so all Maharaj’s relatives wanted him to find another wife. He refused, saying, “The day she died I married freedom” Within three years, Maruti realized himself and took the new name Nisargadatta. He became a sadhu and walked barefoot to the Himalayas, but eventually returned to Mumbai where he lived for the rest of his life, working as a cigarette vendor and giving religious instruction in his home. At the time of his death in 1981 he was 84 years old. Sri Nisargadatta’s teachings defy summarization, but he frequently recommended the practice that had led to his own realization in less than three years: He continued to live the life of an ordinary Indian working-man but his teaching, which he set out in his master-work “I Am That” and which are rooted in the ancient Upanishadic tradition, made a significant 236

FLASHES Nisargadatta Maharaj as reviewed by Swami Sivananda We are tremendously fortunate that such a being is speaking openly about his state. I’ve read literally thousands of pages on books related to consciousness expansion and eastern spirituality. But after reading Nisargadatta’s Maharaj, something in me has totally shifted. I can never think about things in the same way. His practice of “I am-ness” is so simple and has deepened the more I practice it. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a totally unique being who speaks directly to the core of our being. It’s amazing that he had barely any formal education (therefore he is not teaching what he has read in books, but from his experience), lived almost unknown, in a tenement in Bombay. As he says he was a simple man who sincerely followed what his guru (From an authentic and revered Indian spiritual lineage) taught him and regained his “natural state”(which is what we are all trying to do). He never established any large ashram or following, as he could have easily done if he was looking for ego gratification. He simply was himself and gave of himself naturally to those around him. Once a woman saw him angry, so she asked, ‘I thought enlightened people were supposed to be happy and blissful. You seem to be grumpy most of the time. Doesn’t your state give you perpetual happiness and peace?’ He replied, ‘The only time a jnani truly rejoices is when someone else becomes a jnani’. “Earnestness was one of the key words in his teachings. He thought that it was good to have a strong desire for the Self and to have all one’s faculties turned towards it 237

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whenever possible. This strong focus on the truth was what he termed earnestness.

In 1980, a few months before his mahasamadhi Nisargadatta underlined that the doctors had diagnosed that his body had cancer and commented, “Would anyone else be as joyful as I am, with such a serious diagnosis? The world is your direct experience, your own observation. All that is happening is happening at this level, but I am not at this level. I have dissociated myself from sattva guna, being ness. The Ultimate state in spirituality is that state where no needs are felt at any time, where nothing is useful for anything. That state is called Nirvana, Nirguna, that which is the Eternal and Ultimate Truth. The essence and sum total of this whole talk is called Sat-Guru Parabrahman, that state in which there are no requirements. After the dissolution of the universe, when no further vestige of creation was apparent, what remained is my perfect state. All through the creation and dissolution of the universe, I remain ever untouched. I have not expounded this part: my state never felt the creation and dissolution of the universe. I am the principle that survives all the creations, all the dissolutions. This is my state, and yours, too, but you don’t realize it because you are embracing your beingness. Realizing it is only possible when one get support from invincible faith, from that eternal Sadguru Parabrahman. This state, this Parabrahman principle, is eternal and is also the Sadguru. It is the eternal property of any devotee of a Guru.” Ramesh told that someone once asked Nisargadatta, ‘Is there any difference between you and Ramana Maharshi?’ And Nisargadatta, with his usual sense of humor, said, ‘None at all, except that I’m slightly better dressed.’

Maharaj one day also gave a mini-lecture on how it was necessary for the full realization of the Self,to witness one’s own death. He said that it had happened to him after he thought that he had fully realized the Self, and it wasn’t until after this death experience that he understood that this process was necessary for final liberation. Once a foreigner gave him a very rude answer, but Maharaj didn’t show any sign of annoyance. Instead, he replied, “Water doesn’t care whether it is quenching thirst or not”. And then he repeated the sentence, very slowly and with emphasis. He often repeated himself like this when he had something important to say. The foreigner later on confessed that this one sentence completely destroyed her skepticism and her negativity. The words stopped her mind, blew away her determination to be a spoilsport, and put her into a state of peace and silence that lasted for long after her visit. It was possible to meditate in his room in the early morning for an hour or an hour and a half. Maharaj would be there, but he would be going about his normal morning activities. He would potter around doing odd jobs; he would appear with just a towel around his waist if he was about to have a bath; sometimes he would sit and read a newspaper. Although he did not seem to be teaching as Ramana used by looking at people and transmitting some form of grace. However, Nisargadatta was always aware of the mental states of all the people who were sitting there, and he not infrequently complained about them. ‘I know who is meditating here and who is not,’ he would say, ‘and I know who is making contact with his beingness. Only one person is doing that at the moment. The rest of you are all wasting your time.’ Nisargadatta had enormous respect for both Ramana Maharishi’s attainment and his teachings. He once confessed that one of the few regrets of his life was that he never met him in person. He would even clarify the inner meaning to some devotes of Ramana with incredible clarity. 238

FLASHES ON HOW NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ FACED CANCER “This sickness gave the confirmation that there is no personality, no individual. “Sickness for whom? “Sickness is part of the functioning of the entire manifest, dynamic Chaitanya; it is the play of Consciousness. My true state is prior to this 239

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Consciousness. That state does not depend on the Consciousness. There is a couplet we sing at Bhajan, to Chakrapani. Chakrapani means that “I Amness”, the life principle, the manifest principle. It is like this cigarette lighter. The gas as such has no light, but its manifestation is the flame; it is full of light, life, and energy. Even in the atom and sub-atom, that energy is there. The functioning of Consciousness takes place spontaneously, and one doesn’t know what will happen. For instance, I say something and M. will translate it one-way, B. will translate it another, in whichever way they have understood it. This is the way the process will go on. This Chakrapani is “like a flywheel,” Lord Krishna said, “rotating all beings.” That energy which moves all things in the waking state is latent in deep sleep. How long is one unaware of awareness? One doesn’t know, but suddenly Consciousness arises. Does anyone think along these lines? Is it not amazing that Consciousness, which might remain latent for any length of time, suddenly arises spontaneously? “Once the disease was diagnosed, the very name of the disease started various thoughts and concepts. Watching those thoughts and concepts I came to the conclusion that whatever is happening is in the Consciousness. I told the Consciousness, “It is you who is suffering, not I.” If Consciousness wants to continue to suffer, let it remain in the body. If it wants to leave the body, let it. Either way, I am not concerned.” HINTS ON NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ’S TEACHING Ramesh explains and summarizes the teaching as follows, “Perhaps the most appealing feature of the presentation of the Teaching, particularly for the foreigners, was the fact that Maharaj scrupulously avoided the spiritual jargon, and indeed rarely referred to the Scriptures. He limited his talks to the seeker, the seeker’s relationship with other sentient beings, the phenomenal manifestation and its Source, the Noumenon. 1) Noumenon is not aware of Its existence. Such awareness of Its existence comes about only with the 240

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arising of consciousness – I am. This spontaneous arising of consciousness, brings about the sense of presence, of existence. Simultaneously, It causes the arising of the phenomenal manifestation in consciousness, together with a sense of duality. The Wholeness gets split into the duality of a (pseudo) subject and observed object –each phenomenal object assumes subjectivity as a “me” concerning all other objects as “others”. The objectivization of this duality requires the creation of the two twin concepts of “space” and “time”: “space” in which the volume of objects could be extended, and “time” in which the phenomenal images extended in space could be perceived, cognized and measured in terms of the duration of existence. 2) Human beings and all other sentient beings are as much an integral part of the total phenomenal manifestation as any other phenomena. They arise with the arising of the phenomenal universe. As objective phenomena, there is no apparent difference between animate and inanimate objects. But subjectively, it is sentience, which is responsible for enabling the sentient beings to perceive. Sentience, as such, is an aspect of consciousness in which the manifestation occurs, but it has nothing to with the arising of the manifestation. Thus although the sentience enables human beings to perceive other objects, and intellect enables them to discriminate, they are in no way different from all other phenomena. 3) The conceptual bondage arises only because each human phenomenon assumes himself to be an independent entity. As such he considers himself to be an independent entity. As such he considers himself subject to the bonds of space-time as something tangible and extraneous to his own existence. 4) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in the sense that noumenality is immanent in phenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of its own other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at 241

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the same time, transcend phenomenality because noumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merely the objective aspect of noumenality. It is the identification of noumenality with each separate phenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out of what is merely the operational element in a phenomenal object that produces the phantom of an autonomous individual, the ego, which considers itself to be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenal functioning as such is quite impersonal, and the illusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its place being merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. The impersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure, and it is only when the experience is interpreted by the pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencing the experience in duration, that the experiencing loses its intemporal, impersonal element of functioning and assumes the duality of objectivization as subject/object. 5) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite, imperceptible being. What we appear to be as a phenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptible separate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments in consciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusory entities absurdly expect to be able to transform ourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent of the conditioning to which we have been subjected. How can a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself? Only dis-identification with the supposed entity can bring the transformation. 6) It would seem that the mechanism of living is based on the belief that everything happens in life is the result of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenal objects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be an incorrect belief because it can be clearly seen that human beings react to an outside stimulus rather than act volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence of reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might be considered as acts of will or volition. Their way of life is very much conditioned by instinct, habit, 242

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propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a futile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apart from psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity to exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal functioning and the inexorable chain of causation. 7) In the absence of an entity – redundant in the absence of volition-, who is there to exercise the illusory volition and who is there to experience the results of it? Who is there to be liberated? The deepest possible understanding of those basics of the Teaching leads to spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is the experiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, which is noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads to the immense awakening that this life is a great dream. Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense of self-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but the non-volitional witnessing of all that happens during the remainder of our allotted span? Such non volitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happens without judging – arises along with non-objective relation both to oneself and others. A non- objective relation to oneself occurs when there is no thought of oneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic. To know what one is without the slightest need of any explanation from anyone, to have the deepest possible conviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any traceelement of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching. The total lack of any objective quality can only mean the absence of the very concept of both presence and the absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. A non-objective relation to oneself naturally results in a non-objective relation to others, which means ceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient or insentient, as objects of oneself. The result is the elimination of the misunderstanding known as ignorance, which in effect means the realization of our true nature. It is only when the phenomenal self is absent that the noumenal “I” can be present. 243

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FROM NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ”S OWN WORDS

important. So why not stabilize there? Meditate on that Consciousness itself, and find out how this “I-am-ness” has appeared. What was its cause? And from what did this Consciousness develop? Try to find out, go right to the source!

“Take the case of a young child. The sense of ‘I-am’ is not yet formed, the personality is rudimentary. The obstacles to self-knowledge are few, but the power and the clarity of awareness, its width and depth are lacking. In the course of years awareness will grow stronger, but also the latent personality will emerge and obscure and complicate. Just as the harder the wood, the hotter the flame, so the stronger the personality, the brighter the light generated from its destruction.” ‘I am’ itself is God. The seeking itself is God. In seeking you discover that you are neither the body nor the mind, and the love of the self in you is for the self in all. The two are one. The consciousness in you and the consciousness in me, apparently two, really one, seek unity and that is love.” “People come here and stay for days, weeks, even months. The first few days what they have heard takes root, and that is when they should leave, so that what has taken root will have time to grow and blossom. As soon as the seed takes root, they must go. What has taken root must bloom, must express itself within each heart. The sweetness is the nature of sugar; but that sweetness is there only so long as the sugar is present. Once the sugar has been consumed or thrown away, there is no more sweetness. So this knowledge “I am,” this Consciousness, this feeling or sense of Being, is the quintessence of the body. And if that body essence is gone, this feeling, the sense of Being, will also have gone. This sense of Being cannot remain without the body, just as sweetness cannot remain without the material, which is sugar. What remains is the Original, which is unconditioned, without attributes, and without identity: that on which this temporary state of the Consciousness and the three states and the three gunas have come and gone. It is called Parabrahman, the Absolute. Because of your existence, because you know that you are, you know also that the world is. So this Consciousness, because of which you experience the world, is not unimportant; in fact, it is very 244

“There are many persons who have a great attachment to their own individuality. They want first and foremost to remain as an individual and then search, for they are not prepared to lose that individuality. While retaining their identity, they want to find out what is the truth. But in this process, you must get rid of the identity itself. If you really find out what you are, you will see that you are not an individual, you are not a person, you are not a body. And people who cling to their body identity are not fit for this knowledge. “Who is there to be conscious of unconsciousness? As long as the window is open, there is sunlight in the room. With the windows shut, the sun remains, but does it see the darkness in the room? Is there anything like darkness to the sun? There is no such thing as unconsciousness, for unconsciousness is not experienceable. “Even faith in God is only a stage on the way. Ultimately, you abandon all, for you come to something so simple that there are no words to express it. As long as one is conscious, there will be pain and pleasure. You cannot fight pain and pleasure on the level of Consciousness. To go beyond them, you must go beyond Consciousness, which is possible only when you look at Consciousness as something that happens to you, and not in you, as something external, alien, superimposed. Then, suddenly you are free of Consciousness, really alone, with nothing to intrude. And that is your true state. Consciousness is an itching rash that makes you scratch. Of course, you cannot step out of Consciousness, for the very stepping out is in Consciousness. But if you learn to look at your Consciousness as a sort of fever, personal and private, in which you are enclosed like a chick in its shell, out of this very attitude will come the crisis which will break the shell.

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“Consciousness implies alterations, change following change, when one thing or state comes to an end and another begins; that which has no borderline cannot be experienced in the common meaning of the word. One can only be it, without knowing, but one can know what it is not. It is definitely not the entire content of Consciousness, which is always on the move. To realize the immovable means to become immovable. I am talking of immovability, not of immobility. You become immovable in righteousness. You become a power which gets all things right. It may or may not imply intense outward activity, but the mind remains deep and quiet. What you do not know is that the entire universe is your body, and you need not be afraid of it. You may say you have two bodies: the personal and the universal. The personal comes and goes, the universal is always with you. The entire creation is your universal body. You are so blinded by what is personal, that you do not see the universal. This blindness will not end by itself - it must be undone skillfully and deliberately. When all illusions are understood and abandoned, you reach the error-free and perfect state in which all distinctions between the personal and the universal are no more. You see yourself in the world, while I see the world in myself. To you, you get born and die, while to me the world appears and disappears. Our world is real, but your view of it is not. There is no wall between us, except the one built by you. There is nothing wrong with the senses; it is your imagination that misleads you. It covers up the world, as it is with what you imagine it to be - something existing independently of you and yet closely following your inherited or acquired patterns. This must be well grasped: the world hangs on the thread of Consciousness. No Consciousness, no world.

imaginary to be real. See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear. What begins and ends is mere appearance. The world can be said to appear, but not to be. The appearance may last very long on some scale of time, and very short on another, but ultimately it comes to the same. Whatever is time-bound is momentary and has no reality. “There can be no continuity in existence. Continuity implies identity in past, present and future. No such identity is possible, for the very means of identification fluctuate and change. Continuity, permanency, these are illusions created by memory, mere mental projections of a pattern where no pattern can be. Time is in the mind, space is in the mind. In reality time and space exist in you; you do not exist in them. They are modes of perception, but they are not the only ones. Time and space are like words written on paper; the paper is real, the words merely a convention. All existence is imaginary. Time is endless, though limited, eternity is in the split moment of the now. We miss it because the mind is ever shuttling between the past and the future. It will not stop to focus the now. It can be done with comparative ease, if interest is aroused. “Whatever I had thought earlier has now changed. What is happening now is that even the slightest touch of individuality has completely disappeared, and it is Consciousness as such which is spontaneously experiencing. The result is total freedom. All the time there was complete conviction that it was Consciousness which was experiencing; but that “I” which the Consciousness was there. Now that has totally disappeared; therefore, whatever happens in the field of Consciousness, I, who am there before Consciousness, am not concerned in any way. The experience is of Consciousness experiencing itself.

“Once you realize that the world is your own projection, you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not exist, except in your own imagination! However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the

“Nevertheless, understand what Consciousness is, even if Consciousness is not an individual. The basis and source of Consciousness is in the material. What I say is still in the conceptual world, and you need not accept it as truth. Nothing in the conceptual world is true. “All kinds of things were happening, thoughts and experiences, and they were credited to my account, but

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once I have seen what it is, all those account-books have been burned and I no longer have any account. How amusing it is to see someone who thinks of himself as an individual, who thinks of himself as a doer or achiever. Whatever is happening, and the experiencing of the happening, takes place in this Consciousness when the “I Am” arises.

Maharaj: What should be your ultimate conclusion after reading so many books, doing sadhana and listening to these talks? The conclusion should be that the hearer, the knower, is not concerned with the body, mind and Consciousness and that he is separate from the body. Spirituality is nothing more that understanding this play of Consciousness — try to find out what this fraud is, by seeking its Source.

“Spiritual maturity is being ready to let go everything. Giving up is a first step, but real giving-up is the insight that there’s nothing to be given up, since nothing is your property.” SATSANGS WITH NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ Maharaj: Prior to this moment, did you have this knowledge that you exist? This Consciousness, beingness, which you are experiencing now, was it there earlier? Q: It has been, on and off. Maharaj: A patient who is suffering from cancer is constantly repeating, with absolutely no effort “I’m dying from cancer.” Similarly, go on chanting, “I am Consciousness.” One who is constantly awake in his true nature, is liberated. A patient suffering from terminal cancer always remembers his state, and ultimately undergoes that death. Similarly, one who remembers that he is knowledge and that he is Consciousness, becomes the Parabrahman.

Q: Is the Source the Creator? Maharaj: Nor the Source nor the universe have come to tell you that they have created you. The mind, obsessed by the idea of causality, invents creation and then wonders, “Who is the Creator?” The mind itself is the Creator. Even this is not quite true, for the created and its Creator are one. The mind and the world are not separate. Understand that what you think to be the world is your own mind. All space and time are in the mind. There is only imagination. It has absorbed you so much that you just cannot grasp how far from reality you have wandered. No doubt imagination is vastly creative. Universe upon universe are built on it. Yet they are all in space and time, past and future that do not exist. It is you who are in movement and not time. Stop moving and time will cease. Past and future will merge in the eternal now. Q: Am I really Brahman?

What if the moment you are about to take a photograph of Bombay, I tell you, “No don’t take a photograph of what you see, but take a photograph of Bombay without land. Is it possible? That is exactly like taking a photograph of yourself without the body. You have a body, but you are like Bombay with no land. Remembering that you are Consciousness should happen effortlessly. When I say, “I,” I don’t refer to this body’s “I,” but to that “I”, which represents this Consciousness. Consciousness is “I,” and you should use this knowledge when you act.

Maharaj: The “I Am-ness”, the manifest Brahman, and the Isvara are all only one; ponder over this and realize it. You had this rare opportunity where all has been explained in great detail, so take full advantage of it. You are the manifest Brahman. I have told you many times what your true nature is, but out of habit, you get involved again and again in body identification. A stage has now arrived where you must give up this body-identification. The activities of the body will continue until the body drops off, but you should not identify with the body and its activities.

Q: I have been studying spiritual texts and practicing sadhana, yet since I met Maharaj, things are becoming clearer and clearer.

Maharaj: As you can see the body, then you are not the body. You can watch your breath, so you are not the vital

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Q: How am I to disidentify from the body?

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breath. In the same way, you are not Consciousness; but you have to become one with the Consciousness. As you stabilize in Consciousness, dispassion for the body and its relative desires and needs occurs spontaneously. It is a natural renunciation, not a deliberate one. Desires drop off by themselves. This does not mean that you should neglect your worldly duties; carry these out with full zest.

Maharaj: Do not try to become anything. Do nothing! Without thinking on any of your words, remain quiet. Once a word sprouts it creates a meaning and then you ride on it. You follow the meanings of your words and claim that you are in search of your self. So be wakeful to that state which is prior to the sprouting of words. Did you ever have the opportunity to associate with any Sages? Q: When I try to track down the self it seems to me that it creates more selves.

Q: I shall be grateful if I am told how to have peace of mind. Maharaj: Because of the self, the atman, you are connected to the world through the body. The self is nothing else but the knowledge that “you are.” Meditate on that principle by which you know “you are” and on account of which you experience the world. Meditate on this knowledge “you are,” which is Consciousness, and abide therein. Q: But I cannot concentrate. Maharaj: Ignore the mind the way you disregard the crowd you encounter on the streets. Q: Concentration eludes me. My mind is fickle. Maharaj: Water flows constantly, yet you can use it when you need it. Similarly, use the mind to meet your needs and then let it flow by itself without your interference and involvement, like the flow of a river from where you take water only when needed. Q: Why do I have so many thoughts rushing in the mind? Maharaj: Your thoughts are really not your own thoughts; they are all collective thoughts. You think that you are the one who has the thoughts, but in reality thoughts arise in Consciousness. As our spiritual knowledge grows, our identification with an individual body-mind diminishes, and our Consciousness expands into universal Consciousness. Q: How do I remove thoughts and new concepts? If all concepts and thoughts are removed, will I become one with THAT? 250

Maharaj: But who is that sees so many selves? One thought produces further thoughts. Who observes the first thought? Only you are the observer of the first thought. If the knower of the very first thought is not there, who will observe the other thoughts? Q: If the knower is not, will there also be no thoughts? Maharaj: If you understand this, everything is over — you can go. To expound and propagate concepts is simple. But to drop all concepts is difficult and rare. Q: As an individual can we go back to the Source? Maharaj: Not as an individual; the knowledge “I Am” must go back to its own source. Now, Consciousness has identified with a form. Later, it understands that it is not that form and goes further. In a few cases it may reach the space, and very often, it stops there. In a very few cases, it reaches its real source, beyond all conditioning. It is difficult to give up the inclination of identifying the body as the self. I am not talking to an individual; I am talking to the Consciousness. It is Consciousness, which must seek its source. Out of that no-being-state comes the beingness. It comes as quietly as twilight, with just a feeling of “I Am”, and then, suddenly, space is there. There is no individual. There is only you, the total functioning is you, Consciousness is you. You are Consciousness, all the titles of the Gods are your names, but by clinging to the body you hand yourself over to time and death — you are the one imposing it on yourself. Your true nature is open and free, but you cover it up, you give it various designs.

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Q: I have been reading Paul Brunton’s work on Ramana Maharshi. I have been listening attentively to your Satsangs.

Q: It is a great mystery.

Maharaj: Your spiritual background is ready, that is why you listen to the talks and try to understand them. Other people quarrel with me with their concepts. They are brimming over with concepts, with the result that they are unable to listen to what I say. Many people come here, presuming themselves to be very knowledgeable, but I know that they are only very ignorant only. However, they are, I consider them as Consciousness alone.

Q: Do we have to discard all knowledge?

Maharaj: It’s a mystery only to the ignorant. To the one not identified with the body, it is no longer a mystery. Maharaj: You must have a thorough knowledge of this Consciousness, and having known everything about the Consciousness you come to the conclusion that it is allunreal, and then it should drop off.

Q: At certain moments I think I am “like this,” at other moments I think I am “like that.”

Q: Should all spiritual disciplines be dropped?

Maharaj: Who other than you is observing those moments? You are the witness of these moments. Whatever is seen and perceived and also whatever you see inside and outside you that you are not. All your identities at the body-mind level have been changing continuously, and none of them has been constant and faithful to you. Why then are you attracted to any of such identities by stating, “I am like this,” “I am like that”? In meditation, you might convince yourself “I am Guru Nanak” or as some people in their meditation firmly believe: “I am Bhagavan Sri Krishna.” None of such identities has any stability. The only stable one is the observer of those identities, and you alone are that observer — the eternal one. Take the example of a poor actor who played the role of a king so splendidly that he received a lot of praise. But he is not the king. Similarly, you are not Guru Nanak. You are the observer. Whatever you see and perceive is all the play of Maya, the illusive principle.

Q: Where does Consciousness come from?

Q: Why did this Consciousness arise? Maharaj: You are both the question and the answer. All your questions come from your identification with the body. How can any questions relating to that which was prior to the body and Consciousness be answered? There are yogis who have sat in meditation for many, many years seeking answers to this question, but even they haven’t understood it. And yet you are complaining. 252

Maharaj: At the highest level this is so; at the earlier levels you have to do your homework. Those who are able intuitively to grasp this lose their interest in worldly affairs. Those who have comprehended and who have reached a certain stage will not ask for anything, but everything will come to them spontaneously. There will be no wish for it; nevertheless, all they need will be there. This happens only to the ones who have become one with their true nature. Maharaj: It never comes or goes, it just appears to have come. Q: Why does Maharaj know this and we do not? Maharaj: It is not difficult for you to know also, but with what identity are you asking? Q: Can Maharaj, out of compassion, give me a push into that state of universal Consciousness? Maharaj: Yes, of course, I can do that, but you must listen to me, you must have complete faith in whatever I tell you about yourself, and you must behave accordingly. By nature I am non-manifest, yet I am manifested, but I am really not manifested. The sense of “I” has come and has gone, that is all, I am not going to die. One who has rejected this identity will understand.

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Q: Maharaj said that he is not going to die?

Q: The only difference is what happens in the middle?

Maharaj: How can one who is not born, die?

Maharaj: Whatever happens between birth and death is also an expression of the Consciousness only. Even in the realm of Consciousness you pass the time entertaining various concepts; what else are you doing?

When people first learned about this illness, those who have affection for me came to talk to me, or wrote to me, giving advice and medicine. Whatever is to happen will happen. I don’t have fear, so I don’t have to do anything about this illness. Q: What is sat-chit-ananda? Maharaj: It is words. You can take it that sat-chit-ananda is the limit, which your mind can describe of that state, which cannot be described. Your true state is nonmanifest; the manifestation comes and the words come. The one who experiences sat-chit-ananda is there before the experience. Q: Maharaj has said, in this respect, that the teachings were his Guru’s, but the understanding was his. Maharaj: My Guru told me that Consciousness alone is the Guru, all other developments sprouted within me. The fruit should grow on your own plant. I should not sow my understandings in you. Q: Does Maharaj see us as individuals? Maharaj: There are no individuals; there are only food bodies with the knowledge “I Am”. There is no difference between an ant, a human being, and Isvara; they are of the same quality. The body of an ant is small, an elephant’s is large. The strength is different, because of size, but the life-force is the same.

Q: If there is no difference between what is prior to birth and what is after death there is no difference, is there any reason for attempting to learn who we are now? Isn’t it all the same? Maharaj: The light coming from the sun and the sun itself - is there any difference?

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Q: Is Maharaj playing with various concepts? Maharaj: No. It is Consciousness, It plays by Itself. Q: I am aware that I came here because Maharaj is a mirror, but this time he is showing me that I am my own mirror. Maharaj: That is why you should not stay for long. Q: What am I to face if I follow your teaching? Maharaj: Just realize the one Mover behind all that moves and leave all to Him. If you do not hesitate, this is the shortest way to reality. Stand without desire and fear, relinquishing all control and responsibility. This is divine madness. Control and responsibility are only in the mind. As long as you imagine yourself to be in control, you should also imagine yourself to be responsible. Either you are responsible for nothing, or for everything. Yet the Source acts through all. Why worry? You are addicted to doership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing else to give up. Stop your habit of looking for results and freedom will be yours. You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. The ending of this pattern is the end of the self. The ending of the self with its desires and fears enables you to return to your real nature, the source of all happiness and peace. Don’t you see that it is your search for happiness that makes you feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent to pain and pleasure, neither asking nor refusing, give all your attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly present. Accept the pain allotted to you and you will discover in pain a joy which pleasure cannot yield, for the simple reason that acceptance of pain takes you much deeper than pleasure does. Develop the witness attitude and you will find in your own experience that detachment brings control. Acceptance of pain, non resistance, courage and endurance open deep and perennial sources of real 255

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happiness. Desires and fears are all mind-made. Give up the bandage of self-concern and be what you are: intelligence and love in action. Be honest with yourself, and just love what you love – don’t strive and strain. Surrender to your own self of which everything is an expression. Beware of all that makes you dependant. Most of the so-called ‘surrenders to the Guru’ end in disappointment, if not in tragedy. Fortunately an earnest seeker will disentangle himself in time, the wiser for the experience.

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Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile

Q: What does the term surrender imply? Maharaj: Self-surrender is the surrender of all selfconcern. It cannot be done, it happens when you realize your true nature. Verbal and intellectual surrender is of little value and breaks down under stress. Accept life as it comes and you will find it a blessing. The preparation is gradual, the change is sudden and complete. You cannot see yourself as independent of everything unless you drop everything and remain unsupported and undefined. Once you know yourself, it is immaterial what to do, but to realize your independence, you must test by letting go all you were dependent on.

“Of all Yogis, only he who rests his unwavering mind and love in me is dear to me. “

Sri Ramana Maharshi is probably the most famous Indian Sage of the twentieth century. He was renowned for the fullness of his self-realization, and for the feelings of deep peace that visitors experienced in his presence. He answered questions for hours every day, but never considered himself to be anyone’s Guru. Ramana Maharshi was born on December 30, 1879 in a village called Tirucculi about 30 miles south of Madurai in southern India. His parents named him Venkataraman. His father died when he was twelve, and he went to live with his uncle in Madurai, where he attended the American Mission High School. The ultimate understanding happened spontaneously when he was only 16. Six weeks later he ran away to the holy hill of Arunachala where he remained for the rest of his life. For several years he was in silence and every day the stage of samadhi would happen. 256

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For some time after his awakening, young Ramana sat perfectly still in the temple at Arunachala. Ramana practiced tapas in the thousand-pillared Temple, near the Patala Linga, in Subrahmanya’s shrine, in the Mango garden, the Sadguru Swami cave and Cora hills. From 1909 to 1916 he lived in the Virupakshi Cave. Ramana Maharshi was known as Brahmana Swami in Tiruvannamalai. During these early years, he was so deeply absorbed in bliss that he was totally unconcerned if bedbugs covered his legs, or if stones were thrown at him. Since he was still quite young, the depth of his silence and the power of his presence began to attract seekers from all parts of the world. For years he did not even notice them, as his attention was totally inwardly absorbed.

Ramana Maharshi died of cancer in 1950 at the age of 70.

For many years, his guidance was given mostly in silence. When he came out of his constant silence, people started to come and ask him questions, and Venkataraman soon acquired a reputation as a Sage. In 1907, when he was 28, one of his early devotees named him Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the name remained. Eventually an ashram was built around him although he never wanted one. When Ramana’s body grew old and was ravaged by a painful cancer, his disciples were desperate to find some cure but Ramana would simply point out one should not give too much importance to the body. “There is no need to worry,” he would say, “the body is itself a disease. Let it have its natural end.” The doctors who were attending Ramana during those final months of his illness were amazed at his indifference to pain. Once he quoted to his doctor a verse from Yoga Vashista: “The Jnani who has found himself as formless, pure Awareness is unaffected, though his body be cleft with a sword. Sugar candy does not lose its sweetness though broken or crushed.” In the final days before his physical death, Ramana reminded a grieving devotee, “They take this body for Bhagavan and attribute suffering to him. What a pity. They are worried that Bhagavan may leave them. Where can he go, and how?” 258

BRIEF HINTS ON RAMANA MAHARSHI’S TEACHING It was Ramana’s basic thesis that the individual self is nothing more than a thought or an idea. He said that this thought, which he called ‘I’-thought, originates from a place called the Heart-centre, which is located on the right side of the chest in the human body. From there the ‘I’thought rises up to the brain and identifies itself with the body: ‘I am this body.’ It then creates the illusion that there is a mind or an individual self, which inhabits the body and controls all its thoughts and actions. The ‘I’-thought accomplishes this by identifying itself with all the thoughts and perceptions, and this process brings forth identification as doers: ‘I am doing this’, ‘I’ am thinking this, ‘I’ am feeling happy, etc. Thus, the idea that one is an individual doer is generated by its in-grooved habit of constantly identifying with all the thoughts that arise. Ramana stressed that one could reverse this process by depriving the ‘I’-thought of all the thoughts and perceptions that it normally identifies with, and specified that this ‘I’-thought is actually an unreal entity. It merely appears to exist the moment the ‘I’ thought identifies itself with other thoughts. He taught that if one succeeded in breaking the connection between the ‘I’-thought and the thoughts it identifies with, the ‘I’-thought itself will subside and finally disappear. As a technique, Ramana suggested Self-inquiry. By Self-enquiry he suggested holding onto the inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all other thoughts and that to maintain one’s attention on this inner feeling of ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantly reminded the seekers that if they succeeded in remaining centered on this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all other thoughts, the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into the Heart-centre. This, according to Sri Ramana, was the only thing seekers could “do”, as once the mind had been emptied 259

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of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is the power of the Self, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into the Heart-centre and eventually destroys it, therefore the Source or God were totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’. When realization happens, the mind and the individual self both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Self remains.

compared to an agitated bull. Yoga attempts to drive the bull with a stick, while self-enquiry coaxes it with green grass. Ramana always stressed, “There is only one Self and nothing but the Self. Know that and everything else is known. Desirelessness is refraining from turning the mind towards any object. Wisdom means the appearance of no object. Not seeking what is other than the Self is detachment or desirelessness.”

Self-enquiry also involves a second question, “To whom does this thought arise?” And Ramana would invariably answer, “Know the doubter. If the doubter is held, the doubts will not arise. When the doubter ceases to exist, there will be no doubts arising. From where will they arise? All are jnanis, jivan-muktas, but nobody is aware of it. Doubts must be uprooted and this entails that the doubter must be uprooted. Whenever the mind goes astray and your concentration is interrupted by a thought, during meditation or Self analysis, ask yourself, ‘To whom does this thought arise?’ because the answer causes the attention to return to the feeling of ‘I’ where it belongs. Ramana Maharshi sometimes described the heart center as an actual object located in the right side of the chest, but at other times he said this was a simplification for those who couldn’t understand Truth: “When I speak of the ‘I’ rising from the right side of the body, from a location on the right side of the chest, the information is for those seekers, who still think that they are the body. To these people I say that the Heart has a physical location, but it is really not quite correct to say that the ‘I’ rises from and merges in the Heart on the right side of the chest. The Heart is another name for the Reality and it is neither inside nor outside the body; there can be no ‘in or out’ for It, since It alone is. In reality, by the term ‘Heart’ I do not mean any physiological organ or plexus. “What is essential in any practice is to try to keep the mind in check, bringing it back when it wavers, and fixing it on the ‘Who am I?’ That alone is Self-enquiry. That is all that is to be done!” Ramana Maharshi often said that yoga and self-enquiry are two methods of controlling the mind, which he 260

Ramana was a living example of the teaching of the Upanishads. His life was at once the message and the philosophy of his teachings. His message is, “Know Thyself”. He never tired of teaching, “Know Thyself and all the rest will be known. Discriminate between the undying, unchanging, all-pervading, infinite Atma and the ever-changing, phenomenal and perishable universe and body. Enquire, ‘Who am I?’ Make the mind calm. Free yourself from all thoughts other than the simple thought of the Self or Atma. Dive deep into the chambers of your heart. Find out the real, infinite ‘I’. Rest there peacefully for ever and become identical with the Supreme Self. Man’s real nature is happiness. Happiness is inborn in the true Self. Man’s search for happiness is an unconscious search for his true Self. The true Self is imperishable; therefore, when a man finds it, he finds lasting happiness. In the interior cavity of the heart, the One Supreme Being is ever glowing with the Self-conscious emanation I...I... To realize Him, enter into the heart with an one-pointed mind—by quest within or diving deep or control of breath— and abide with the Self of self.” At the basis the teaching, yet in other terms, was disidentification from individual doership, as Ramana stressed “The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance. Ask your self ‘who works? What is destined to happen will happen. If you are destined not to work, work cannot be had even if you hunt for it; If you are destined to work, You will not be able to avoid it; You will be forced to engage yourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power; you cannot renounce or retain as you choose. 261

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RAMANA’S SPONTANEOUS TRANSFORMATION

Ramana: Apart from the statement in the Veda that wherever there is body there is unhappiness, this is also the direct experience of all people; therefore, one should enquire into one’s true nature, which is ever bodiless, and one should remain as such. This is the means to gaining that state.

“It was about six weeks before I left Madurai for good, in the middle of the year 1896, that the great change in my life took place. It was so sudden. One day I sat up alone on the first floor of my uncle’s house. I was in my usual good health, but a sudden and unmistakable fear of death seized me. I felt I was going to die and at once started thinking what I should do. I did not care to consult nor a doctor nor elders or a friend. I felt I had to solve the problem myself, then and there. The shock of the fear of death made me at once introspective or ‘introverted’. I said to myself mentally, ‘Now that death has come, what does it mean? Who is it that is dying? This body dies’. So, I extended my limbs and held them rigid as though rigor mortis had set in. I imitated a corpse to lend an air of reality to my further investigation. I held my breath and kept my mouth closed, pressing my lips tightly together, so that no sound could escape. ‘Well then’ I said to myself, ‘this body is dead. It will be carried to the crematory and reduced to ashes. But with the death of my body, am I dead? Is the body I? This body is silent and inert. But I am still aware of the full force of my personality and even of the sound of ‘I’ within myself as apart from the body. The material body dies, but the Spirit transcending it cannot be touched by death. I am therefore the deathless Spirit’. All this was not a feat of intellectual gymnastics, but came as a flash before me vividly as living Truth, which I perceived immediately, without any argument almost. ‘I’ was something very real, the only real thing in that state, and all the conscious activity that was connected with my body was centered on that. The ‘I’ or myself was holding the focus of attention with a powerful fascination. Fear of death vanished at once and forever. The absorption in the Self has continued from that moment right up to now”. SATSANGS WITH RAMANA MAHARSHI Q: What is the means to gain the state of eternal bliss? 262

Q: I came to inquire about “Who am I?” Ramana: Actions such as ‘going’ and ‘coming’ belong only to the body. And so, when one says “I went, I came”, it amounts to saying that the body is “I”. But, can the body be said to be the Consciousness “I,” since the body was not before it was born, is made up of the five elements, is non-existent in the state of deep sleep, and becomes a corpse when dead? Can this body, which is inert like a log of wood be said to shine as “I” “I”? Q: I suffer so much. What can I do? M: Oh! Are you suffering very much? When a man sleeps he dreams he is being beaten and that he is suffering terribly. All that would be quite real at that time. But when he wakes up he knows it was only a dream. Similarly when Jnana dawns, all the miseries of this world would appear to be merely a dream. When a man sleeps he dreams he is being beaten and that he is suffering terribly. All that would be quite real at that time. But when he wakes up he knows it was only a dream. Similarly when Jnana dawns, all the miseries of this world disappear. Q: What am I to shun? Ramana: The sense of being an individual soul. Q: Is the theory of reincarnation true? Ramana: Reincarnation exists only so long as there is ignorance. There is really no reincarnation at all, either now or before. Nor will there be any hereafter. This is the truth. Q: Do Sages or yogis know about their past lives? Ramana: Do you know the present life that you wish to 263

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know the past? Find the present, the rest will follow. Even with our present limited knowledge, you suffer so much; why should you burden yourself with more knowledge? Is it to suffer more?

Q: In the Theosophical Society they meditate in order to seek Masters to guide them.

Q: What are the characteristics of the Sage? Ramana: ‘I am not the body; I am Brahman, which is manifest as the Self. In me who am the plenary Reality, the world consisting of bodies, is a mere appearance, like the ‘blue of the sky’. He who has realized the truth thus is a Sage, a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long as his mind has not been resolved, there may arise some misery even for the realized one because of relation to objects on account of prarabdha - karma, which has begun to fructify and whose result is the present body, and as the movement of mind has not ceased there will not be also the experience of bliss. The experience of Self is possible only for the mind that has become subtle and unmoving as a result of prolonged meditation. He who is thus endowed with a mind that has become subtle, and who has the experience of the Self is called a jivan-mukta. ON GURU –DISCIPLE RELATIONSHIP Q: What is Guru-kripa? Ramana: Guru is the Self.... There are some steps. At a certain moment in life men may become dissatisfied with what they have and seek the satisfaction of their desires, through prayer to God. The mind is gradually purified until they long to know God, The Source takes the form of a Guru and teaches him the Truth and, moreover, purifies his mind by association. By silence and meditation it is further purified and it remains still without the least ripple. That calm Expanse is the Self. The Guru is both ‘external’ and ‘internal’. From the ‘exterior’ He gives a push to the mind to turn inward; from the ‘interior’ He pulls the mind towards the Self and helps in the quieting of the mind. That is Guru-kripa. There is no difference between God, Guru and the Self. 264

Ramana: The Master is within; meditation is meant to remove the ignorant idea that He is only outside. If He were a stranger whom you await, He is bound to disappear also. Where is the use for a transient being like that? But as long as you think you are separate or that you are the body, so long is the Master ‘without’ also necessary, and He will appear as if with a body. When the disidentification from the body happens, the Master will be found as none other than the Self. Q: Will the Guru help us to know the Self? Ramana: Does the Guru hold you by the hand and whisper in the ear? You may imagine him to be what you are yourself. Because you think you are with a body, you think He has also a body, to do something tangible to you. His work lies within, in the spiritual realm. Q: How is the Guru found? Ramana: God, Who is immanent, in His Grace compassionately manifests Himself according to the devotee’s development. The devotee thinks that He is a man and expects a relationship as between two physical bodies. The Self whether incarnate in a Guru works from within. From within the Self guides, until man realizes the Self within. Q: Why should one practice silence and solitude? Ramana: Silence, however vast and emphatic, is the most potent form of work. While, however vast and emphatic may the Scriptures be, they fail in their effect. The Guru is quiet and grace prevails in all. This silence is vaster and more emphatic than all the Scriptures put together. Solitude is an attitude of the mind. One might be in the thick of the world and yet maintain in perfect serenity, while another person may be in the forest, but unable to control his thoughts through the witnessing process and Self- enquiry. Q: Can the devotee attain happiness? 265

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Ramana: When the devotee truly surrenders himself to the Master or God, it means that there is no vestige of individuality left. If the surrender is complete, all sense of self is lost, and in that state there can be nor misery nor sorrow. The Eternal Being is nothing but Happiness. Happiness is always there. Eliminate the obstacles to happiness. What are the obstacles? Identification with the body and thinking you are the doer.

Surrender is to give oneself up to the original cause of one’s being. Do not delude yourself by imagining to have some God outside you. The Source is within yourself. Give yourself up to It. This means you should seek the Source and merge in It. When you merge in the Self there will be no individuality left. You will become the Source Itself. In that case what is surrender? Who is to surrender what to whom. This constituted devotion, wisdom and investigation. Your duty is “to be” and not to be this or that. I AM THAT I AM sums up the whole Truth.

Q: Will you teach me how to follow your example? Ramana: The Sadguru is within. Q: Isn’t the living Sadguru necessary to guide me to understand it?

Q: How does speech arise?

Q: Tell me what method to follow.

Ramana: There is abstract knowledge, where the ego arises, which in turn gives rise to thought, and thought to the spoken word. So the word is the great-grandson of the original Source. But people do not understand this simple, bare Truth, the Truth of their everyday, ever-present and eternal experience. There is speaking, but you are not the speaker.

Ramana: Where are you now? Where should you go?

Q: Kindly give a short cut if there exists one.

Q: I know I am; but I do not know what I am.

Ramana: The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remains as ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-Realization. The realized do not see any contradiction in it. Take the case of bhakti. I approach Ishwara and pray to be absorbed in Him. I then surrender myself in faith and by concentration. What remains afterwards? In place of the original ‘I’, perfect selfsurrender leaves a residuum of God in which the ‘I’ is lost. This is the highest form of devotion, surrender or height of dispassion, vairagya.

Ramana: The Sadguru is within. Q: I want a visible Guru. Ramana: That visible Guru says that HE is within.

Ramana: ‘I” is always there. Q: Then I have to conclude that I am Consciousness and that nothing occurs except in my presence. Ramana: It is one thing to conclude by reasoning and another thing to be convinced. Q: Is grace necessary? Ramana: If you had surrendered the ego, doubts would not arise. Grace is ever present. All what is necessary is that you surrender the ego. If one surrenders oneself there will be no one to ask questions or to be thought of. Either the thoughts are eliminated by holding on to the root thought ‘I’ or one surrenders oneself unconditionally to a Higher Power. These are the only two ways for Realization. Q: Then if grace is the Self, should I surrender to my own Self? Ramana: Yes. To the one from whom the grace is sought. God, Guru and Self are only different forms of the Self. 266

You think it means giving up this and that of ‘your’ possessions, while if you give up ‘I’ and ‘mine’ instead, all possessions are given up at a stroke and the very seed of possession is lost. Thus the evil is nipped in the bud or crushed in the germ itself. Dispassion must be very strong to do this. ON SELF-ENQUIRY Q: Is enquiry only the means for removal of the false belief of selfhood in the gross body, or is it also the means for 267

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removal of the false belief of selfhood in the subtle and causal bodies? Ramana: Enquiry entails getting rid of the wrong identification with the body as the doer. This must go before good results may follow. Only if that first person, the ego, in the form of ‘I am the body’ exists, will the second and third person – you, he, she, they-exist. By scrutinizing deeply the reality and truth of the first person, the ego is destroyed. So long as the sense of doership is retained, there is desire. That is also personality. If this goes the Self is found. Agitation of mind is the cause of desire, the sense of doership and personality. If that is stopped, there is peace and quiet. Hence one must take things as they come in accordance with one’s traditions, but one must be free from the feeling that one is doing them oneself. The feeling that I am doing is the bondage. All difficulties are due to the fact that today man thinks he is the doer. It is the Higher Power, which does everything and man is only the tool. All the activities that the body is to go through are determined when it first comes into existence. It does not rest with you to accept or reject them. The only freedom you have is to turn your mind inward and renounce all activities. Each person has come into manifestation for a certain purpose and that purpose will be accomplished whether he considers himself to be the actor or not. Karma Yoga is that Yoga in which the person does not arrogate to himself the function of being the actor. All actions go on automatically. So Karma Yoga means action without doership. Q: The Gita teaches that one should have an active life from beginning to end. Ramana: Yes, the actorless action. Let us understand what karma is, whose karma it is and who is the doer. Analyzing them and enquiring into their truth, one is obliged to remain as the Self in peace. Nevertheless even in that state actions will go on. 268

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Q: How will the actions go on if I do not act? Ramana: Who asks this question? Is it the Self or another? Is the Self concerned with actions? No, and not being concerned with actions the questions do not arise Q: So I have to do karma yoga and help others? Ramana: Who is there for you to help? Who is the ‘I’ that is going to help others? First clear this point then you can do karma yoga. Q: This means ‘realize the Self’. Does my realization help others? Ramana: Yes. It is the only help you can possibly render to others, but in reality there are no others to be helped. When you identify yourself with body-consciousness, name and form are there. But when you transcend body consciousness, the others also disappear. Q: Is the destroying of the identification with the body - as the doer - the highway? Ramana: It is on the gross body that the other bodies subsist. In the false belief of the form “I am the body” are included all the three bodies consisting of the five sheaths. And destruction of the false belief of selfhood in the gross body is itself the destruction of the false belief of selfhood in the other bodies. So enquiry is the means to removal of the false belief of selfhood in all the three bodies. Q: Why should the path to release be differently taught? Will it not create confusion in the minds of aspirants? Ramana: Several paths are taught in the Vedas to suit the different grades of qualified aspirants. Yet, since release is but the destruction of mind, all efforts have for their aim the control of mind. Although the modes of meditation may appear to be different from one another, in the end all of them become one. There is no need to doubt this. One may adopt that path, which suits the maturity of one’s mind. The control of prana which is yoga, and the control of mind which is jnana these are the two principal means for the destruction of mind. 269

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To some, the former may appear easy, and to others the latter.

the Self, and is deceived, identifying itself with the body. Will a person become a high officer by merely looking at him? Is it not by steady effort in that direction that he could become a highly placed officer? Similarly, the jiva, which is in bondage through mental identification with the body, should put forth effort in the form of reflection on the Self, in a gradual and sustained manner; and when thus the mind gets destroyed, the jiva would become the Self.

Yet, jnana is like subduing a turbulent bull by coaxing it with green grass, while yoga is like controlling through the use of force. Thus the wise ones say: of the three grades of qualified aspirants, the highest reach the goal by making the mind firm in the Self, through the process of determining the nature of the real, by Vedantic enquiry, and by looking upon one’s self and all things as of the nature of the real; the mediocre by making the mind stay in the heart and meditating for a long time on the real, and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in a gradual manner through breath-control, etc. Q: What is the meaning of jnana? Ramana: The mind should be made to rest in the heart till the destruction of the ‘I’-thought. This itself is jnana; this alone is dhyana also. The rest are a mere digression of words, digression of the texts. Therefore, if one gains the skill of retaining the mind in one’s Self through some means or other, one need not worry about other matters. The great teachers have also taught that the devotee is greater than the yogis and that the means to release is devotion, which is of the nature of reflection on one’s own Self. One should understand the rest by inference and, after having analyzed all those other techniques, the great ones will agree that Self-analysis is the shortest and the best means. Q: It seems that such enquiry leads to self-worship. Kindly explain. Ramana: The jiva itself is Shiva; Shiva Himself is the jiva. It is true that the jiva is no other than Shiva. When the grain is hidden inside the husk, it is called paddy; when it is de-husked, it is called rice. So the jiva’s search for the Self is like the search for the sheep by the shepherd. But still, the jiva that has forgotten its self, will not become the Self through mere mediate knowledge. By the impediment caused by the residual impressions gathered in previous births, the jiva forgets again and again its identity with 270

The reflection on the Self, which is thus practiced constantly will destroy the mind, and thereafter will destroy itself like the stick that is used to kindle the cinders burning a corpse. It is this state that is called release. Q: If the jiva is by nature identical with the Self, what is it that prevents the jiva from realizing its true nature? Ramana: It is forgetfulness of the jiva’s true nature; this is known as the power of veiling. Q: If it is true that the jiva has forgotten itself, how does the ‘I’-experience arise for all? Ramana: The veil does not completely hide the jiva; it only hides the Self-nature of ‘I’ and projects the ‘I am the body’ notion; but it does not hide the Self’s existence which is ‘I’, and which is real and eternal. Q: Could you describe the Self? Ramana: The Self is self-luminous without darkness and light, and is the reality, which is self-manifest. Therefore, one should not think of It as this or that. The very thought of thinking will end in bondage. The purport of meditation on the Self is to make the mind take the form of the Self. Q: If I go on rejecting thoughts can I call it vichara? Ramana: It may be a stepping-stone. But really vichara begins when you cling to your Self and are already off the mental movement, the thought-waves. Q: Is it possible to practice at the same time the pranayama belonging to yoga and the pranayama pertaining to knowledge? 271

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Ramana: So long as the mind has not been made to rest in the heart, either through absolute retention or through enquiry. Hence, the pranayama of yoga is to be practiced during training, and the other pranayama may be practiced always. Thus, both may be practiced. It is enough if the yogic pranayama is practiced till skill is gained in absolute retention.

The body is the temple; the jiva is God (Shiva). If one worships him with the ‘I am He’ thought, one will gain release. The body which consists of the five sheaths is the cave, the supreme that resides there is the lord of the cave.

Q: It was stated that Brahman is manifest as the Self in the form ‘I-I’, in the heart. To facilitate an understanding of this statement, can it be still further explained?

Since the Self is the reality of all the gods, the meditation on the Self, which is oneself, is the greatest of all meditations. All other meditations are included in this. It is for gaining this that the other meditations are prescribed. So, if this is gained, the others are not necessary. Knowing one’s Self, is knowing God.

Ramana: Is it not within the experience of all that during deep sleep, swoon, etc., there is no knowledge whatsoever, i.e. neither self-knowledge nor other-knowledge? Afterwards, when there is experience of the form “I have woken up from sleep” or “I have recovered from swoon” — is that not a mode of specific knowledge that has arisen from the aforementioned ‘distinctionless’ state?

Without knowing one’s Self that meditates, imagining that there is a deity, which is different and meditating on it, is compared by the great ones to the act of measuring with one’s foot one’s own shadow, and to the search for a trivial conch after throwing away a priceless gem that is already in one’s possession.

Q: What is the purport of the teaching that one should meditate, through the ‘I am He’ thought?

Ramana: Yes. There is only one consciousness. In sleep there is no I. The I-thought arises on waking and then the world appears. Where was this I in sleep? Was it there or not? It must have been there, yet not in the way you feel now. The present is only the I-thought, whereas the sleeping I is the real I. That subsists all through. That is consciousness. If that is known you will see that it is beyond thoughts. Thoughts may be like other activities, not disturbing supreme Consciousness.

Ramana: The purport of teaching is that one should cultivate the idea that one is not different from the selfluminous Reality. One should meditate with the ‘I am He’ thought is this: soham; sah the supreme Self, aham the Self that is manifest as ‘I’. The mind should be resolved in the heart. One should get rid of the I sense. When thus one enquires ‘Who am I?’ remaining undisturbed, in that state the Self-nature becomes manifest in a subtle manner as ‘I-I’; that self-nature is all and yet none, and is manifest as the supreme Self everywhere without the distinction of inner and outer.. If, without meditating on that as being identical with oneself, one imagines it to be different, ignorance will not leave. If one meditates for a long time, without disturbance, on the Self ceaselessly, with the ‘I am He’ thought, which is the technique of reflection on the Self, the darkness of ignorance, which is in the heart and all the impediments, which are but the effects of ignorance will be removed, and the plenary wisdom will be gained. 272

Q: Is it possible to be conscious without thought?

Q: I do not understand your reference to dreams and mental illusion. Ramana: Our experience of the world is evoked and dissolved by the mind. When you travel from India to London does your body really move? No! It is the conveyance, which moves, and your body remains inside it without itself traveling. It is the ship and the train that travels. Just as these movements are superimposed upon your body, so are visions, dream states and even reincarnations superimposed upon your real Self. The latter does not move and is not affected by all these outward 273

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changes, remaining still in its own place even as the body remains still in the ship’s cabin. You are always the same and hence beyond time and beyond space. In deep sleep you have no sense of time. The concept of time and space arises only when there is the limitation of ‘I’. Even now the ‘I’ thought is both limitless and limited. So long as you think it to be the body, it is limited. At the time of waking up and before one actually becomes fully aware of the external world, that interval, timeless, spaceless, is the state of the true I.

Q: On enquiry into the origin of thoughts, there is a perception of ‘I’. But it does not satisfy.

Why question do not arise in deep sleep? The fact is you have no limitations in sleep, and no questions arise. Whereas now you put on identification with the body and questions of this kind arise. Deep sleep is always present even in the waking state. What we have to do is to bring deep sleep into the waking state, to get “conscious sleep.” Realization can only take place in the waking state. Deep sleep is relative to the waking state. Can that one consciousness divide itself into two? Is the division of the Self felt? Awaking from sleep, on finds oneself the same in a wakeful as in a sleep state. That is the experience of everyone. The difference lies in seeing, in the outlook. In imagining that you are the seer separate from experience, this difference appears. Experience says that your real is the same all through. Do you feel the difference of external and internal during your sleep? This difference is only with reference to the body and arises with bodyconsciousness (the ‘I-thought’). The so-called Jagat is itself an illusion. Even the material sciences trace the origin of the universe to some one primordial matter - very subtle. God is the same both to those who say the Jagat is real and their opponents. Their outlooks are different. You need not enmesh yourself in such disputations. The goal is one and the same for all. Look to it. The states of deep sleep, waking and dreaming are accretions on the ego; the Self is the witness of all. The Self transcends them all. This Witness - Consciousness - should be found. In the Self there are not separate states, no waking, sleeping or deep sleep; It is ever there. 274

Ramana: Quite right. The perception of ‘I’ is associated with a form, maybe the body. There should be nothing associated with the pure Self. The Self is the un-associated, pure Reality in whose light do the body and the ego shine? On stilling all thoughts, only pure consciousness remains. When just awaking from sleep and before becoming aware of the world, there is that pure ‘I’ - ‘I’. Hold to the ‘I-I’, without sleeping or without allowing thoughts to possess you. If that is held firm, nothing matters, even though one sees the world, as the seer remains unaffected by the phenomena. If there were no such activities as waking thoughts and dream thoughts, there would not be the corresponding worlds, i.e. no perception of them. In deep sleep there are no such activities, and the world does not exist for us. In dreamless sleep there is no world, no ego and no unhappiness. But the Self remains. In the wakeful state one has only to remove the transitory happenings in order to realize the ever-present beatitude of the Self. Your nature is bliss. Find that on which all the rest are superimposed and you then remain as the pure Self.

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C H A P T E R 34

Wei Wu Wei Terence Grey: A Profile

Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile

It is apparent from his writings that Wei Wu Wei had studied in some depth both Eastern and Western philosophy and metaphysics, as well as the more esoteric teachings of all the great religions. It can also be understood from his writings that he regarded himself as merely one of the many seeking the so-called ‘liberation’, and the works themselves were merely seen as a record of this quest. Further to Ramana Maharshi Wei Wu Wei has met many spiritual luminaries including Osborne, Robert Powell,Alber Sorsen, and Dr. T. D. Suzuki. Terence Grey died in 1986 at the age of 90.

There is speaking , but no speaker -There is thinking , but no thinkerThere is no ‘you’ talking & ‘me’ listening - It is Consciousness talking & Consciousness listening

The identity of Wei Wu Wei was not revealed at the time of the publication of his first book in 1958, at the age of 63, nor was he “known” outside of a certain circle of a select few, as either Wei Wu Wei or Terence Gray. He remained anonymous and it was only after his death that his true identity became known to a more general spiritual public. Wei Wu Wei, born Terence Grey in 1895 into a wellestablished Irish family, was raised on an estate outside Cambridge, England, and received a thorough education, including studies at Oxford University. Early in life, in the 20’s and 30’s, there was a period of involvement in the arts in England, as a theatrical producer and publisher of several related magazines. Somewhere along the way Gray exhausted his interest in the avant-garde theater and turned his mind towards philosophy and metaphysics. This period includes also a lot of traveling around Asia, including some time at the Ramana Ashram in Tiruvannamalai. 276

TERENCE GREY’S TEACHINGS IN HIS OWN WORDS “Samsara is a subjective state. It is a ‘see-ing’ whereby subjectivity projects apparent objects by means of apparent subjects. This is called Duality. These apparent subjects, negative as are all subjects, project apparent objects, positive as are all objects, via a psychic mechanism known as skandhas. whenever their subjectivity becomes identified with a supposed aggregation of such skandhas. The apparent subjects and objects, as objects, are in no way different but, the subjects being negative and the objects positive, when they are perceived in the same direction of measurement, or dimension, or are superimposed mutually fulfill one another (as do a photographic negative and positive), and then present a blank uniformity. So regarded they are no longer apparent as subject and object: they are one and void. Nirvana is also a subjective state. It is a no-seeing whereby subjectivity, since it cannot perceive itself, is not manifest. This is called Non-duality. Both states, which as subjectivity are identical, can only be differentiated by the projections known as sentient beings, whose faculty of apprehension is itself subjectivity, via the skandhamechanism, and whose objective appearance is a projection of subjectivity as Samsara. Consequently, by a union or “superimposition” of the two states, negative and positive, they mutually fulfill one another and become a 277

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blank uniformity or void, which is represented by the term “ pure consciousness. “

them had ganged up to have a private joke of their own, at my expense!! It was indeed a gang up but, as I realized some time later, it was to bring about an awakening in this body-mind mechanism that was named Ramesh. When I was reading Wei Wu Wei (I must have subsequently read the book more than a hundred times - certain phrases and whole lines used to come out of my lips when translating Maharaj’s talks), I used to marvel at the command of the English language, which a Chinese man should have achieved. It was some time later that I gathered that Wei Wu Wei was not a Chinese but a wealthy Irish aristocrat, highly educated at Oxford University, an authority on wines and race horses. I got this information through a lady who used to visit Maharaj. She later sent me a photograph of Wei Wu Wei with her. He was a giant of a man. She mentioned ‘Pointers’ to him, and he expressed a desire to see the book. I would have sent him a copy if I had known his address. I did this as soon as I heard from this mutual friend. I sent a copy to him at his villa in the south of France with a letter expressing my gratitude for the guidance I had received from his book. Unfortunately at that time (Wei Wu Wei was almost ninety years of age) senility was beginning to set in, but his wife read out the book to him, and, in his lucid moments, he indicated that he enjoyed the book. Our mutual friend told me that he referred to ‘Pointers’ as ‘Wei Wu Wei without tears’. Some years ago I was told that Wei Wu Wei is dead. His writings, together with Maharaj’s teaching, helped me enormously. But many people find his writing too abstruse.’

This is the resolution of false dualities such as Nonduality and Duality, of Nirvana and Samsara, of subject and object, and it is always void. In 1973, an article appeared on the periodical dedicated to the teachings of Ramana Maharshi, The Mountain Path, attributed to a mysterious ‘Wei Wu Wei’. In addition to these some articles appeared also on the ‘The Mountain Path’, the periodical dedicated to the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi. Only after his death the real name came to light, Terence Grey. An Irish gentleman who had met Ramana and many eminent Buddhists and Tao philosophers had developed a deep synthesis of Eastern non-dual philosophy and its result in books has also had his joyful impact on Ramesh Balsekar. Terence Grey translated into many books the most complicated texts on the central paradox of Taoism main philosophy, Wei Wu Wei, “the action of non-action,” which is, as a concept, second in importance only to the Tao itself. His immense work has allowed Western readers to appreciate in a modern and perfect English and in accordance with our own processes of thought, one of the most elusive of philosophy. Through his translations truth goes straight to the heart of the matter and allows the mind itself to develop its own vision. Ramesh Balsekar, in his splendid book, The Ultimate Experience, says “The whole story is that Wei Wu Wei’s book ‘Open Secret’ was given to me as a present by a friend of mine more than a decade before I started going to Maharaj. When I first read it, I couldn’t make any sense out of it. Except that I had the sense to realize that the book was a real treasure; and I kept it aside, so that it might not get thrown away with other books during one of the clean ups. And for some unfathomable reason, I suddenly thought of (more accurately, the thought occurred concerning) the book almost immediately after I started visiting Maharaj. I cannot describe the innumerable intellectual frustrations I went through between the two of them - Maharaj and Wei Wu Wei! I felt that the two of 278

FLUSH ON HIS WISDOM IN A NUTSHELL “The inadequacy of the short paragraphs that follow is due to the insufficiency of their expression. They are offered in the hope that the verity that underlies them may penetrate the mist of their presentation and kindle a spark that shall develop into the flame of fulfillment. Please be so good as to believe that there is nothing whatever mysterious about this matter. If it were easy, should we not all be Buddhas? No doubt, but the apparent difficulty is due to our conditioning. The apparent mystery, on the 279

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other hand, is just inability to perceive the obvious owing to a conditioned reflex which causes us persistently to look in the wrong direction!’

Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identify yourself with your role!

Wei.Wu.Wei. (1964) QUOTES THAT SUM IT ALL UP It is not for us to search but to remain still, to achieve Immobility not Action. There is no becoming. ALL IS. The Saint is a man who disciplines his ego. The Sage is a man who rids himself of his ego. It is only the artificial ego that suffers. The man who has transcended his false ‘me’ no longer identifies with his suffering. We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived. Detachment is a state, it is not a tantalization of achieved indifferences. The notion that human life has greater value than any other form of life is both unjustifiable and arrogant. Wise men don’t judge: they seek to understand. Living should be perpetual and universal benediction.

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On the phenomenal plane we seek pleasure and the avoidance of pain. On the noumenal plane we know the absence of both which is Bliss. When you give a shilling to a beggar - do you realize that you are giving it to yourself? When you help a lame dog over a stile - do you realize that you yourself are being helped? When you kick a man when he is down - do you realize that you are kicking yourself? Give him another kick - if you deserve it! Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’. Is it so hard to accept? Is it so difficult to assimilate and to live? We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as a notion. Why are you unhappy? Because 99.9 per cent Of everything you think, And of everything you do, Is for yourself And there isn’t one. What is your trouble? Mistaken identity.

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Truth is that which lies in a dimension beyond the reach of thought. Whole-mind has no ‘thoughts’, thoughts are split-mind.

A myriad bubbles were floating on the surface of a stream. ’What are you?’ I cried to them as they drifted by. ’I am a bubble, of course’ nearly a myriad bubbles answered, and there was surprise and indignation in their voices as they passed. But, here and there, a lonely bubble answered, ’We are this stream’, and there was neither surprise nor indignation in their voices, but just a quiet certitude.

Realization is a matter of becoming conscious of ‘what’ is already realized. A man who is seeking for realization is not only going round searching for his spectacles without realizing that they are on his nose all the time, but also were he not actually looking through them he would not be able to see what he is looking for! It is necessary to understand that I Am, In order that I may know that I Am Not, So that, at last, I may realize that, I Am Not, therefore I Am. We do not possess an ‘ego’. We are possessed by the idea of one. All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes from the I-concept. This ‘real’ nature with whose revelation the Chan Masters are primarily concerned, or the Atman-’I’ of the Vedantists, is not the far-off, unreachable will-o’-thewisp we are apt to imagine, but just the within of which we know the without. It is just the other side of the medal, and it lies wherever our senses and our intellect cease to function.

Go to the Awakened Masters - and leave all your baggage behind. The purest doctrines, such as those of Ramana Maharshi, Padma Sambhava, Huang Po and Shen Hui, just teach that it is sufficient by analysis to comprehend that there is no entity which could have effective volition, that an apparent act of volition when in accord with the inevitable can only be a vain gesture and, when in discord, the fluttering of a caged bird against the bars of his cage. When he knows that, then at last he has peace and is glad. Non-volitional living is glad living. Are you still thinking, looking, living, as from an imaginary phenomenal centre? As long as you do that you can never recognize your freedom.

One must know that one is not in order to be able to understand that we are.

What do you have to do? Pack your bags, Go to the station without them, Catch the train, And leave your self behind.

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I have only one object in writing books: to demonstrate that there could not be anyone to do it.

What we appear to be is a fleeting shadow, a distorted and fragmentary reflection of what we all are when we no longer assume that we are that phenomenal appearance.

It is only with total humility, and in absolute stillness of mind that we can know what indeed we are.

As long as there is a ‘you’ doing or not-doing, thinking or not-thinking, ’meditating’ or ‘not-meditating’ you are no closer to home than the day you were born.

Having found no self that is not other, The seeker must find that there is no other that is not self, So that in the absence of both other and self, There may be known the perfect peace, Of the presence of absolute absence

A RARE SATSANG WITH WEI WU WEI Do you exist? Noumenally I feel that I am, but I cannot find myself. And the same goes for you and for every living being. Why is that? For the same reason that prevents us from seeing our own face.

But you can see my face, and I can see yours. Nonsense, perfect nonsense! We see nothing of the kind. What we see when we look at one another and at anything we can see at all, including our own feet, is just our object. And our object is part of ourselves as its subject. Nobody else can see us, because we have no objective existence whatever, and we cannot see anybody else because they have none. All of us can only see our own - objectifications whatever they may be. We do not exist as objects? Of course not! No thing exists as an object. That is why there is no such thing as an entity. How could there be? Space and time are purely mental, concepts in mind. Where else could an entity extend itself? Then no object is independent? None is dependent either. ‘Others’ are yourself as whatever you ‘both’ are, and their apparent otherness as your objects is entirely a part of your phenomenal mind. Phenomenal existence or being, noumenally is not being. Absolutely, it may be called as-it-isness. I begin to understand! Of course you do! ‘Is that all it is?,’ as the T’ang dynasty monk said, laughing, to his Master when he suddenly understood, or ‘found himself awake’, as they put it. No thing is—in its own right? Not even us? No thing. Therefore there is no ‘us’—for ‘we’ are only one another’s objects as ‘us’. Then in what way are we? Just total objective absence, which is the presence of thatI-amness, which is what-I-amness, which is this-I-amness. All of us are that? All of us are not ‘that’, not ‘this’, not any concept at all. Nothing mysterious about it. Nothing holy. Just phenomenal nothingness, and the absence of the concept of that (nothingness).

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Then we have no positive being whatever? Positivity and negativity are phenomenal concepts. We are not conceivable at all. Then who lives? You cannot find the doer of any deed, the thinker of any thought, the perceiver of any perception. The unfindable is all that we are, and the unfindable is the found.

Books Referred

Confusion no more - Ramesh S.Balsekar Consciousness Speaks –Ramesh S.Balsekar The Ultimate Understanding – Ramesh S.Balsekar Experiencing the Teaching –Ramesh S. Balsekar Your Head In The Tiger’s Mouth – Ramesh S.Balsekar Advaita, the Buddha and the Unbroken Whole – Ramesh S.Balsekar The Happening of a Guru; A Biography of Ramesh Balsekar. The Ultimate Medicine – Sri Nisargatta Maharaj I AM THAT – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj Nectar of Immortality - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj Consciousness and the Absolute - -The Final Talks of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj Talks with Ramana Maharshi’. Who Am I? – Ramana Ashram Vision of the Greatest Mystic Unveiled – G.K. Pillai Conscious Immortality: conversations with Ramana Maharshi’- Paul Brunton Fingers Pointing Towards The Moon –Wei Wu Wei Why Lazarus Laughed: The essential Doctrine ZenAdvaita-Tantra –Wei Wu Wei Ask the Awakened; The Negative Way – Wei Wu Wei 286

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About the Author Among the innumerable seekers born in Western countries who have looked up to India as the symbol of ancient wisdom and higher consciousness, many have been spending long periods in close contact with great spiritual teachers and chosen to invest all their energies and time in the application of their teachings. Sandra Heber-Percy is one of these great souls. Born in Italy, in 1946, Sandra always had a very sensitive and artistic nature, finding expression in painting, writing and fashion design. In 1988 she visited India and immediately fell in love with its colorful culture and deep spirituality. After living for nine years in Puttaparthi, Sandra set off traveling around India to visit holy places and meet Saints, Sages, yogis and enlightened masters. The Himalayas attracted her in particular, and she finally settled there where her delightful books ‘flow from above and she lends her fingers’ as she often says. Inspired by deep insights, she now lives in the Himalayas, on the banks of the sacred river Ganges, to enjoy the peace and share with readers what Consciousness wished her to grasp through the cosmic play of the inner quest, and innumerable Indian contemporary Saints and Sages. Among her published works In English Yogis’ Secrets, It’s All One Man’s Job In Italian: Dialogues with the Infinite (vol.I &II), The Adepts of the Valley of Flowers, A Rolls Royce in Exchange of Peace, To live like God THE GOLDEN BOOK. 288

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