3 Girls a Day - Todd - Text Book

Chapter 1: Why Online Game? As a dating and pickup coach for the last fourteen years, it may seem odd that I would even bother with, or endorse, online dating. This is for two reasons. One, there is a lot of controversy surrounding online game, because it essentially takes away key parts of traditional game. Online game lacks subcommunication, such as eye contact and body language. Getting in state online means next to nothing, and methods such as selfamusement and self-deprecation can be ineffective, dismissed, or misinterpreted—or worse— and can negatively influence the interaction. The true content of in-person game is about only 10 percent literal content—but in online game, it’s 100 percent of the interaction. I’m going to show you how to focus on and master that percentage in online game. Game is game, regardless of the venue. Two, why would someone with my level of experience and success with girls use online dating? To be honest, I generally don’t use online dating sites. But, during various times in my life when I have, my efforts have been met with wild success. At one point, I was booking two to three dates—per night. I can say unequivocally that if you do it well, online dating can fill your social schedule faster than just about any other method of game imaginable. And once you’ve become successful at online game, the process of getting a date is nearly as easy as ordering Chinese food online. Who is online dating for? Everyone. If you’re tired of the bar scene, online dating can open up a whole new category of women to you: the successful ones, the ones who don’t spend their lives getting drunk at bars and clubs. The girls on online dating sites have made an active choice to put themselves out there. They want to date; they want guys to message them. For pay-for subscriber sites like Match.com, on which you know that the girls are financially invested, this is especially true. But even on unpaid sites (OKCupid, Tinder, etc.), the girls have taken the time and energy to create profiles and upload photos, all in effort to seek and gain interest. If you’re new to cold approach or looking to refine many of the other dating skills that are otherwise difficult to isolate, such as text game and day two game, online dating is a valuable field in which to practice, if nothing else. Even if you don’t get results you want (though I am confident you will), what you learn through gaming online can only help you in other areas of game. My job is to go out and meet and talk to women. But for most of you, you have careers not related to game, careers that take up the majority of your week, and maybe even your weekend. You have friend, familial, and other obligations. For someone like you, a person who does not have a lot of time to devote to going out and meeting girls, online dating may be your only viable option. The level of efficiency in online game alone (being able to mass message a lot of girls or use features like the “wink” to quickly indicate your interest and assess theirs) makes it worth your time. Remember: minimal effort, like ordering Chinese food online and all that. More than pickup, online dating is like marketing—clever headlines, attention-grabbing messages, and trial and error—testing and evaluating what works and what doesn’t, over and over and over. (As I said in the intro, this is called split testing). But this is why most guys,

even if they’re good at game, are terrible online: They’re not willing to put in the effort up front to get good at it. So it’s massively important to learn the system, be patient with the results, and always (I can’t stress this enough) strive to improve. If nothing else, this answers the question of “Why Online Game?” It doesn’t matter where your profile or messaging starts as long as you’re constantly and consistently getting better. Once online dating has moved from the computer screen to texts, phone calls, and dates, traditional game takes over. But initially, online dating is not really related to pickup or attraction in general. It’s about the process. It’s about improving yourself as a man and working on means, not an end—freedom from outcome in its most simple form. Because really, the point of online dating isn’t necessarily to find that one girl—the goal is to have an abundance of women and to create a lifestyle. Once you have that lifestyle, you can pick and choose the girl you want. Takeaways from Chapter One • • • • •

Online dating is convenient and efficient, above all. If you travel for work or are moving to a new city, you can generate leads in that city before you even arrive. Online game is massively effective for practicing game. If you’re not going out a lot, online dating helps generate a steady stream of girls so you won’t be scarce in terms of where your next lay is coming from. Online dating helps you create a lifestyle in which women are abundant in your life.

Chapter 2: How to Write an Excellent Profile (And a Quick Word on Pictures) Why Your Profile Is Important A few years ago, I logged on to the Match.com account of a girl I used to date, a girl who is now my friend (this was with her permission, of course). After being on the site for only a number of minutes (note: logging on to Match and being an active user pushes your profile in searches and the featured profiles section), my female friend had received hundreds of winks, likes, and messages. Hundreds. The responses were actually overwhelming. I tried to imagine how she could possibly go through them all, and how she would choose which guys she’d contact in return, if any. Even if your first message is good (and I’ll get to the topic of messages later), a girl is invariably going to check your profile. And if all you do is wink, “like” one of her photos, or favorite her, she pretty much has to look at your profile in order to decide if she wants to respond in some way. Bottom line: Your profile must stand out. It must grab attention. Much like applying for a job and submitting a résumé, having a bunch of successful qualities won’t get you far if you don’t set yourself apart from the applicant pool. This is why, if you’re job-hunting, you also submit a cover letter. It’s not enough to be good at a lot of things; you have to be interesting, intriguing, and unique, and your objectives must be clear. Your profile is like your cover letter; it’s your chance to showcase your personality. There will be a time for the nitty-gritty stuff, like what you do for a living, what kind of music you like, what kind of books you read, etc. But your profile is about presentation, and it should be engaging, quirky, weird, and cocky . . . And don’t be afraid to be a little bit of an asshole. Most moderately attractive girls (think sixes, sevens, and eights) get hit up a lot on online dating sites. But the really hot ones—the nines and tens—will be even more inundated with contact. In any case, a girl on an online dating site will think she’s seen it all. Show her something she hasn’t seen before.

Show Your Personality Your profile should embody and exemplify who you are and what you love and hate, honestly and bluntly. If you’re funny, it’s not enough to just say so. Be funny. Be so weird and quirky that you’re hilarious, even on-screen. A girl I know once told me that she messaged a guy solely based on the fact that his headline was funny and clever. The key is to show, not tell. A good place to start is to see what else is out there. In live game I encourage guys to avoid talking about the same topics that every other guy does. Hometown, college, major, job, etc. If you do a lot of approaches in one day or night, you’ll see just how often these topics come up, and you’ll see how monotonous—not to mention, annoying and boring—they become. Think of a profile in the same way. If a girl looks at the profiles of twenty different guys, she is probably going to see the old clichés over and over, and she’ll click right past your profile

if you’re just regurgitating the same played-out filler. So see what other guys are putting in their profiles. If you see something you like, steal it and add a personal twist. Or just straight up steal it—why not? If you keep seeing the same boring stuff, the clichés, you’ll know what to avoid. Do not steal the clichés! In case you don’t know a cliché when you see one, here are a few: 1. “I work hard, but I play hard.” 2. “My friends [or “my mom” or “my uncle Bill”] would say I’m fill in the blank with words like nice, sweet, or funny.” 3. “I don’t take life too seriously.” 4. “You can catch me at home watching a movie or out to a bar.” 5. “Insert bragging right like cooking, a sport, or traveling is my passion.” 6. “I like to live by the motto: ‘You only live once.’” 7. “Just wondering if there’s anybody real on here.” 8. “I won’t tell anyone we met online.” 9. “I’m hoping to find a girl who will get me off this thing. ϑ” 10. Rhetorical questions: “What do I look for in my perfect match? Well . . .” 11. “I’m looking for a woman who knows what she wants.” I think those are enough examples to give you an idea of what not to put in your profile. Now, for what you should include. Tell a story (a very short story). Start a story and don’t finish it. Make a list of random things you love and hate. Use powerful, offensive, and attention-grabbing language, not the standard adjectives (funny, adventurous, and the like). Find quotes from your favorite movies or by people you admire, and use them in your profile or for your headline. Think comedians, actors, successful entrepreneurs . . . whoever you want to emulate. Frame your profile properly; you are, after all, the selector. I once used this quote from Californication, a show I like and whose character resonates with me: “I may not go down in history, but I will go down on you.” Keep track of quotes or anything that has worked for you in live game—write them down on your phone and use them online later. It’s perfectly fine to talk about something obscure or esoteric that you like and that most people might not know about (like a band or a city or a book). A girl who is interested will get curious. She’ll look up whatever it is, or better yet, she’ll ask you about it. Don’t hold back. Be willing to say and do anything. Be willing to offend. It doesn’t matter how cool or classy your profile is if it doesn’t get read.

Tell Them What You Want Express what you’re looking for in specific, raw language, even if it’s a bit offensive. It will identify you as a selective man instead of a guy without options. I’ve said before that online dating is as easy as ordering Chinese food from a website. And just as you would when ordering, it’s perfectly acceptable to customize, to ask for exactly what you want. Otherwise, why bother? Let’s look at what you shouldn’t do when writing about the types of girls you’re looking for. Here’s a (fictional) example of what a typical guy might write in his profile:

I’m looking for a girl who’s smart and has a good head on her shoulders. I also like a girl who takes care of herself and enjoys going to the gym or being active outdoors. I want someone I can talk to and someone who loves life and loves to laugh. This is profoundly and utterly boring and cookie-cutter. What you really want to say is that you don’t want to date an airhead, you want someone who’s hot and cares about her body, and you want someone who is fun, drama-free, and not a pain in the ass. Here is sample from my first-ever online profile that got me consistent results: If you’re dumb, don’t bother texting me. If you’re overweight, drop the fork and get lost. But if you’re hot, cool, and alive, let’s talk. Okay, I’ll admit it: It’s definitely got an asshole vibe. But it tells a girl what I want without sounding like every other guy online. This profile got girls to react, and more important, it challenged them. It told them I’m not shy about expressing what I want. Not only is it attention-grabbing, but it’s honest. It shows that if I’m this forward about what I want in a girl, I probably have this attitude toward the other things in my life, like my career, my health, my friends and family, and my goals. It says that I am not mediocre and I will not settle for mediocrity.

Stay in the Present—Not the Past I tell guys this all the time: Don’t be butt-hurt. You may be inclined to divulge information about past relationships (I’ve even seen some guys admit that this is their “second go” at online dating or that they just got out of a serious, long-term relationship), but it’s not in your best interest to do this. So don’t do it. Your closest friends might want to hear your sob story about how some evil bitch broke your heart or how females are crazy—and okay, let’s be honest, your friends probably don’t want to hear it either—but some girl online? Some girl who has never even met you? She especially doesn’t want to hear about it. Bitterness and cynicism should have no place in your profile. Not only is it unattractive, you’ll end up coming off as a man with a lot of baggage. And you’re essentially telling potential dates that 1). you probably can’t handle a woman with a strong attitude or personality and 2). you let girls walk all over you. Focus on what’s important to you now, and what you envision in your future. Your past will probably come up once you meet a girl, and it’s almost inevitable if you see a girl multiple times, but your profile should highlight you as the person you are currently and not air out the gory details of dates or relationships past.

Tweak—And Then Tweak Again It’s virtually impossible for your profile to be perfect, or near perfect, after one draft, and if you think about it, this is true about pretty much anything in life. Whether in school or at a job, a paper or a proposal or a project often goes through several rounds before it’s submitted or executed or published. Your profile no different; it’s a work in progress.

So don’t think that once you write it, you’re done and can simply sit back and wait for the dates to come rushing in. This is just the beginning. Some online dating companies offer to help you to write your profile, but I don’t really think this service is necessary for most online dating users, and it’s not an effective use of your resources. From what I’ve seen, this service really only turns an awful profile into a mediocre one, at best, which isn’t going to cut it. You know yourself—so write you as you see you. While you might have to continue to adjust your profile, it’ll be worth it. Here’s a good step-by-step process to start: •

•

•

First, obviously, write your profile, using the advice I’ve already given you. o Read it over a few times and tweak. o Show it to a friend, especially one of the opposite sex. o Revise as needed. Create your username, write your headline, post your summary, and fill out your profile. Then go. o Make contact. Wink. Message. o Look at as many profiles as you can. Give your profile about a week of face time. Assess your results. o How many winks/messages were returned out of winks/messages sent? o How many responses were positive? Negative? Lukewarm?

When you have an idea of how effective your profile is, you can start to make adjustments. Even if you think your profile is spectacular on your first try (doubtful) and you’re getting hit up left and right (there’s always room for improvement), tweak it anyway. If you tweak it and your response rate goes down or you receive fewer positive responses, evaluate what you changed, backtrack, and try something else. If you try something and have more positive results, figure out what it is that you did right and make sure that when you make further adjustments, you keep in mind what has already been working. Test things out in live game or text game, and it apply what works—and stay away from what doesn’t—to your online profile. This is what I referred to earlier as split testing. A Quick Definition of Split Testing: a method used to “identify changes . . . that increase or maximize an outcome of interest.” In order to reach the largest number of girls on online dating sites, I’d recommend split testing in other cities aside from your own. But be realistic. If you live in New York City, tweaking your profile and testing it in Austin, a much smaller city with a very different vibe, might not be the best idea. Testing your profile with girls in Los Angeles or Miami, however, would be appropriate. Cast your net wide, but use your judgment.

How You Know It’s Working I talked above about evaluating your results. So how exactly do you know if your profile is accurately portraying your personality and attracting the girls you want to attract? There are a few telltale signs your profile is effective:

• • •

You’re getting positive responses from girls (i.e. phone numbers, plans to hang out, etc.) you are actually interested in. You can use the wink or “show interest” feature without sending messages and still get responses. You’re getting negative responses. This might sound odd, but if you’re not receiving the occasional bad response, you’re doing something wrong. Your profile should be attention-grabbing and polarizing. Some girls should absolutely hate your profile enough to tell you so. I’ll show you later how to turn those negative responses around and even get these girls to go on dates with you.

How to Select Photos I get a lot of questions about what kinds of photos, how many photos, etc. to include in an online profile. First of all, one is too few; ten is probably too many. Pick four or five good photos and post them to your profile. And, of course, split-test. This method isn’t just for the written part of your profile. The question is: What makes a good photo in the first place? 1. Choose a photo that makes you look good physically, whether it’s your face or body. Play up your strengths. Inevitably, I then get asked this question: But what if I’m not good-looking? o Save plastic surgery, there’s not much you can do here, so pick the best photos you have and make sure your profile is polarizing and conveys who you are. o Online is a medium where looks do matter, so at least take photos where you’re as good-looking and stylish as you can be. 2. Consider having professional photos taken. If you’re taking this seriously, it’s something you might want to invest in. If you can’t afford a professional, most people have a friend who’s into photography and has a good camera. Hit up him or her. 3. Include photos highlighting impromptu activities that make you look good (i.e. in which you’re playing a sport, skydiving, traveling). This conveys lifestyle. It also makes it so you don’t necessarily have to include this information in your profile. Again, this is an example of showing and not telling. If you insist on using social proof photos (social proof is when you surround yourself with or include hot girls in your pictures to show you have value/have been “vouched for” by other women), which can work to your advantage, do it right. Don’t be too blatant. The picture itself should be good; don’t post a social proof photo just to have one. o Post one or two. Social proof photos should not be all—or even the majority—of your photos. o o

Big Dont’s 1. Don’t include mirror photos or selfies. They’re try-hard, and every girl I’ve ever asked has said she hates these kinds of photos. 2. Again, don’t go overboard with social proof photos.

3. Avoid an unnecessary display of ignorance or incompetence: If there is any doubt about keeping a photo, don’t be an idiot—take it out. You’re better off having two good photos than six mediocre ones.

How to Split-Test Your Photos There are sites you can use that rate your photos or you can have female friends rate your photos. You can also split-test with different photos. Here’s a quick and dirty way to test one photo against another: • • •

Put up a different photo and wink at one hundred girls. Put up another photo and wink at one hundred other girls. See what your respond rate is.

Keep in mind that you’ll be judged on your worst photo, not your best. In person, people often don’t look like their photos, and anyone who has done online dating knows this. So people will automatically assume that you don’t look like your best photos.

Takeaways from Chapter Two • • • • • •

Always remember: girls—especially hot girls—are getting hit up a lot online. Show your personality in your profile, and don’t be afraid to be polarizing. Say what you honestly really want in a girl. Stay in the present and look to the future—your past has no place in your online profile. Tweak, split-test, and tweak again. Photos are important, so choose carefully, and consider getting professional photographs taken.

Chapter 3: How to Intelligently Build Relationships: The Theory of Social Capital The other night on one of my programs, I had a student, who, after I’d approached a girl and introduced him to her, weakly offered his name and a handshake, and then said and did nothing else. He seemed to believe that his sheer presence would cause the girl to begin an enthusiastic conversation with him. Instead she lost interest within a few seconds and turned away. This abrupt ending to the conversation caused the student to feel as though he had been rejected. “You can’t offer nothing and expect something in return,” I told him. “You’re asking for too much while giving too little.” Point being: Your presence alone is not enough to elicit a positive response and carry an interaction—you have to do some work, you have to bring value. This is the concept of social capital, and it’s vital to building social relationships in general, which, of course, includes sexual relationships.

So What Is Social Capital? In any relationship—familial, friendly, business, sexual—there are varying amounts of give and take, and the ideal relationships are those in which both parties “get something” (value, or social capital) out of being in the relationship. And the stronger the relationship, the more social capital you have and the more you can “spend.” Without getting too technical, social capital has been cited globally as so important, it is called the glue that holds relationships and societies together and allows them to function successfully. But let’s look at how social capital works in your everyday life. For example, with an old friend you have a good relationship with, you can: • • •

ask him or her to drive you to the airport an hour away (taking value, or spending social capital) feel justified in making the request (asking for compliance, requesting that your friend says yes) receive that compliance (your friend does, in fact, say yes, based on the fact that you, as his or her friend, bring value to the relationship)

Your old friend will probably be happy to help because you’ve built enough social capital that you can spend some without damaging or ending the relationship. And if you spend it and gain compliance, that compliance earns you more social capital. So if you ask your friend for the same favor in the future, he or she will probably say yes again. Now, imagine what would happen if you asked a stranger, or someone you didn’t know very well yet, to drive you to the airport. Not only would the person likely say no, he or she would probably view your request as unreasonable, given that you haven’t built up enough trust, rapport, or history, i.e. social capital. But if you asked that same stranger or acquaintance for a piece of gum, however, that person would most likely comply. Down the road, you could

very well ask him or her for that ride to the airport—just not yet. The key is to baby-step and earn social capital bit by bit.

Social Capital and Online Dating Okay, so let’s take the concept of social capital and apply it to online dating. Imagine that you’re about to send your initial message to a girl on an online dating site. Clearly, the two of you don’t know each other yet. Let’s say, for example, you send the following message: Hey. How about drinks Thursday night at seven? You are probably not going to get a yes to this message. In fact, you might not even get a response at all. You’ve asked for a lot of compliance (here that means you expected the girl simply to agree to what you proposed, and in this case, that proposal was a date). You’ve put so much pressure on a particular outcome (a date on a specific day at a specific time), and you’ve asked for so much while giving only a little value (or really, to be honest, no value). You tried to spend social capital before you had even earned any. In contrast, let’s say you send a very different message. A pleasant greeting, a reference to something in the girl’s profile, or something fun or interesting, like an amusing anecdote or observation from your life (think: something you’d Tweet or put on Facebook). Now you’re more likely to get a positive reaction because you’ve accomplished two things: •

•

You’ve actually offered value. You’ve given the girl something she couldn’t have gotten somewhere else. You’ve conveyed your personality, and you’ve made the interaction creative and interesting. This builds social capital, and thus builds and strengthens the relationship. You haven’t asked for anything yet, i.e. you haven’t tried to tap into whatever social capital you’ve already built (or, in some cases, you may not have any—as seen above with the date request, you can’t spend what you don’t have). When you have built up enough social capital, then you can ask for compliance.

Social Capital and Closing In an interaction, you will often have to alternate between escalating (moving the interaction in a sexual direction) and offering value in order to build the social capital needed to continue to escalate and eventually close. In online dating, closing can mean obtaining a number from messaging, getting a date, or having sex with a girl you met online. Building social capital with the intent of closing requires utilizing the tactic of taking two steps forward (spending social capital) and one step backward (earning more social capital). The key is to never spend more than you have, and to always keep the interaction open and moving forward. As long as you and the girl are still communicating, you can continue to build and build social capital until you gain compliance. Once you have compliance—the girl agrees to a date, agrees to sex, etc.—you have built enough social capital to solidify the relationship. In terms of texting or online messaging, think of each message as a way to progressively build social capital. Text to ingrain the idea in a girl’s mind that when she sees something from you, she knows it will be entertaining and

worth her time. Then, when you do make plans and hang out, the girl will already believe that the experience will be fun, nonthreatening, and valuable.

Social Capital and Future Compliance Once a girl has complied (agreed to a date, had sex with you), she has said yes; now there’s a precedent. Continue to text or message to build the precedent that she’s complied, and it’s much easier to continue the action is a positive way and to go forward. This is in line with the commitment and consistency principle of psychology. As humans, we generally believe that we must act in accordance with how we’ve acted before; otherwise we are behaving inconsistently with our personality. In online dating, and dating in general, a girl, therefore, will act in consistency with her previous actions. If she complied with something before, she will likely comply with it again.

Social Capital: The Bottom Line The fundamental theory of social capital is: earn it before you spend it. You can’t just walk in and demand something while giving nothing, as my student did with the girl in the bar. Recognize that you need to keep pushing forward and escalating, but you want to do this at the right points. You want to escalate, or spend capital—I encourage it—but do so in intelligent ways in order to build social capital, obtain compliance, establish a precedent, and close effectively. It’s crucial to be attentive to how much you’re asking for and how much value you’re providing. You want to make sure you’re providing enough value in exchange for what you’re asking. Be aware and gauge the level of value and comfort you’ve established, the amount of social capital you’ve earned. Use your analysis of the relationship to proceed with the interaction appropriately and to solidify it. In any relationship, always know what you can and can’t get away with—in other words, how much social capital you have to spend.

Takeaways from Chapter Three • • • •

Be aware of the amount of social capital you have in any given relationship. Don’t spend social capital you don’t have. Offer value (and don’t ask for things) in order to build social capital. Cycle through offering value/building social capital and spending social capital (escalating) in order to gain compliance (close).

Chapter 4: To Read Her Profile or Not to Read Her Profile? Quality vs. Quantity Deciding whether to read a girl’s profile is based entirely on what your online dating goals are. So far I’ve talked about why you should add online dating to your arsenal, how to tweak your profile to near perfection, and how to earn and spend social capital, all of which are essential, regardless of why you’re doing online game. Your strategies, though, will vary depending on the following two questions: 1. Do you just want a ton of dates (for practice? for experience? for fun)? 2. Or are you willing to interact and meet only the hottest girls who are most compatible with you? Essentially, it’s a question of quantity vs. quality, which then becomes a question of how much time you have and how much of that time are you willing to spend on online game. As I’ve already said, online game should not be the only part of your arsenal, so I’m going to assume that you’re also practicing live game (if you’re not, put down this book, go outside, start approaching women, and then read it). You most likely also go to school or have a job, friends and family, hobbies, and whatever else going on in your life. The spare hours you do have are important, and they should be used wisely. So—if volume’s what you’re looking for (read: a lot of dates), here are four words for you: Don’t read her profile. Why not? Say it takes you three minutes to read a girl’s profile from top to bottom. If you look at the profiles for twenty girls, that’s an hour out of your day you might not even have to use. And to draft a custom message for a girl definitely takes longer than three minutes. To schedule and go on a high quantity of dates, you need to maximize efficiency. If online dating is like ordering Chinese food online, this strategy is akin to the assembly-line method successful fast-food restaurants use in their business models. It minimizes time, ups results, and works virtually anywhere. You’ll be able to contact those twenty girls in less than five minutes. The steps are: • • •

Do a search. Mass message (copy-and-paste) or mass wink at/“like” girls. Repeat as desired.

When the girl responds, you can read her profile, but even then, you don’t necessarily have to. You should, however, tailor your messages to the girl and the conversation once it’s clear you’re engaged in one. I have a friend who continues to employ the cut-and-paste method after back-and-forth contact has begun. He does go on a lot of dates, but his standards might be even lower than yours, and he could also care less if he gets blown out and/or receives hate mail. So I’d still recommend that you customize your messages once the girl responds to you in some way (by message or she returns your wink or “like”). More on that in Chapter Five, but regardless, this way you’ll get a ton of dates with practically zero effort.

Here are some examples of good first mass messages that I personally have used: • • • • •

“I want to be more than an unread message in your in-box.” “Swoon. I’ll catch you.” “How about we go for sushi and then I devour you?” “I just stared at your profile for thirty seconds trying to figure out how to make you say, ‘Take me now, Daddy.’” “I’ve never worked this hard for a girl.”

Disclaimer: Pay attention, please, to a girl’s photos, even if you look at only her default photo. You might not have to read her profile, but screen her a little—otherwise you’ll end up going on a lot of dates, sure. But they might be with ugly girls and whales. Or worse, some horrible combination of both. Now, if you’re looking for only hot girls (eights and up) who you also have a high level of compatibility with, the mass-communication strategy isn’t going to work (and if it does, you got lucky). Unfortunately, hot girls with any trace of personality are going to get spammed with mass messages from the guys looking for quantity (see above), as well as from every other guy on there. So, yes, you’re going to have to read a girl’s profile if you’re going for quality. The steps are: • • •

Read her profile. Send a specific message. Repeat as desired.

As with your profile, be a little quirky, offensive, and cute to get her attention. Example: for the girl who claimed in her profile to be a bitch who was actually a total goofball, I sent this message: “If you can be a goofball and a bitch in the same sentence, I’ll buy you a drink.” This kind of message says a few things: 1. You read her profile. 2. You’re willing to challenge her. 3. You’re the prize—not her. She’s chasing you, and the drink (or whatever it is) is her winning that prize. 4. You were willing to personalize your message but you also kept it short (girls, and especially hot girls, who are flooded with contact are trying to be efficient online too). Limit your first message to two or three sentences. Note that mine was only one long sentence, and for the record, it worked.

Takeaways from Chapter Four If you want a lot of dates (quantity): • •

Skip the profile analysis. Go for mass communication.

•

Customize later.

If you’re looking for a girl who’s hot and shares a love for some weird thing you like (quality): • •

Take the time to read her profile. Customize your messages.

Chapter 5: The Four General Categories of Online Communication and Text, and How to Respond to Them I’ve read literally thousands of messages, both online and text, from women, and while they’re all different, I can categorically say that each one falls into one of four types of messages: silence, the shit test, the logical question/response, and the overtly positive response. Once you pinpoint which response you’ve received, you can answer it accordingly using the same principals for both online messages and texts. The only difference is that online, you can afford to send a more lengthy response (within good reason). But keep your text messages short, and follow the girl’s responses as a guide. If she sends you a onesentence text, don’t send her a five-sentence text—use common sense.

1. Silence Obviously, out of the four types of messages, this is the worst “response” you can get, though sometimes it’s not actually the worst thing, if you know how to turn the interaction around. You can get silence either initially (after sending your first message) or after several interactions if you’ve lost momentum and/or tried to escalate too quickly. Depending on the timing of the silence, your answers will vary.

If You Get Silence Right Away . . . In your first message, you probably asked too much while giving too little (recall the theory of social capital). Maybe you tried to make plans or ask for a phone number—which you shouldn’t be doing anyway, by the way, in your first message—but say you did: You offered nothing, so consequently, you received nothing in return. What you do next is step back and offer value. Think about your messages in the context of a Facebook, Twitter, etc. update—something cool, cute, or amusing that gives good emotions but doesn’t require an answer. This type of message conveys a few things, namely: you’re happy, you have a good life, and you’re making interesting things happen for yourself. You’re showing that you’re not outcome-dependent, and the girl will realize that you can take or leave her. The value-offering response, if you execute it correctly, should cause her to pop and chase you. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of escalating too quickly again if she does pop and you’re overly excited to have received a response in answer to your ping. Put her messages into one of the other three categories, which I’ll get to below, and go from there. If you don’t get a response, there’s no reason not to keep pinging value into the void. Spam the girl until you receive a response from her like Please stop texting/messaging me or Fu** off. Though I’d argue that you could turn even those around.

What Kinds of Message Offer “Value”? If not you’re sure what constitutes a value-offering message, there are ways to test them. Again, use the tactic of split testing mentioned in Chapter Two. Have a list of “practice-only girls,” either online or in your phone, who you can send mass messages to in order to gauge their responses. If you get positive responses off these mass messages, you can compile a list of effective messages to use on girls who you’re actually interested in/think are hot/have a

good vibe with. On a side note, if you’re sending mass messages from your phone, make sure the girls can’t see the others’ phone numbers. I don’t speak from personal experience, but I know students who have made this mistake. You don’t want to blatantly tell your practiceonly girls that they’re not so special.

If You Get Silence Mid-Interaction . . . When you and a girl have had a lot of back-and-forth communication, you have more social capital to work with than if she hasn’t responded at all, though clearly, if you’re getting silence, you tried to close too soon or, again, you asked for more than you gave. Always be aware of the balance between what you’re providing and what you’re requesting (plans, compliance, a phone number, whatever). The best way to combat silence is to treat the girl as you would a good friend. If you were texting with your friend and suddenly he or she went MIA, would you ignore him or her? Let the interaction die? Of course not. Respond to the girl the same way in which you’d respond to a friend who has been nonresponsive, though I’d avoid saying something like Dude, what the fu**? She’s still a girl, after all. But using the same overarching principal, don’t be afraid to call the girl out on her lack of response. The reason why guys don’t usually do this with girls is because they don’t feel entitled, or they don’t think of the interaction as mutually good. But what you’re offering—yourself—is more than enough. Here are a few examples of how to call out a girl who is nonresponsive midway through an interaction: • • • • • •

“I’m so happy we have this phone relationship. I wish we could have a texting wedding.” “Dear Diary, cute girl vanished. Should I send search party?” “Oh my god, does this mean I have to back to being single on Facebook?” “WTF?” (a little harsh but can be effective) “. . . ?” “If you’re this quiet during sex, it’s going to be awkward.”

These types of messages signify to the girl that she’s being weird and awkward, and that responding is the I thing to do. You’re not being needy or reactive; you’re simply indicating to her that you deserve a response and she is making the interaction awkward by not answering. But remember: calling the girl out works only if you have a history of two-sided communication. If you get more silence, go back to pinging value. If you get silence and you have specific plans with the girl and it’s the day of said plans, call her (if you have her number).

2. The Shit Test Guys often think that a shit test—when a girl poses a question or makes a comment designed to test or screen you—is a negative response. But the fact is, a shit test is still a response, and any response is positive. The girl is answering because she is attracted and/or interested; she simply wants more proof or assurance in order to rationalize continuing to interact with you. Your job is just to pass the shit test. That’s it. You can get creative or cute with the response, but that’s as far as you should go, and you can do this by using one of three different methods:

1. Ignore/Change the Topic Nothing fancy here: Just don’t even address the shit test. Let’s say the girl responds, “Is that your pickup line?” She’s essentially asking: “Are you a player?” Don’t respond to the question. In live game, you might say something back like, “So anyway . . . insert change of topic,” but in a message, don’t acknowledge the shit test, and simply write about something else as if she’d never given you the shit test in the first place.

2. Agree and Exaggerate Let’s take the shit test: “I think you’re too old for me.” Here, instead of ignoring the shit test, you not only acknowledge it, you agree with it and agree with it to a level of absurdity. So: “Hm, you might be right. Lately I can’t go anywhere without my cane, and this month I have twelve great-grandchildren to buy birthday presents for.” It’s such a ridiculous, over-the-top answer that the girl can’t help but laugh and/or appreciate your creative response to the test, because it was neither defensive nor try-hard. It also makes her feel slightly silly for even giving the shit test, and so she’ll try to recover/chase, usually by asking a logical question: “Haha, so what are you up to this weekend?”

3. Misinterpret When you misinterpret the shit test, you take whatever a girl has thrown at you and turn it into a positive, or a compliment, as if she were coming on to you. A girl writes: “I think you just want to have sex with me.” Misinterpret this in a positive, sexual way: “Wow, I’m flattered, but can we keep sex out of the conversation until we’ve had a drink and talked a bit?”

Shit Test Don’t’s 1. 2. 3. 4.

Don’t escalate. Don’t be needy. Don’t go for the meet-up. Don’t ask a logical question.

In other words, don’t make it easy for her to respond with 1) another shit test or 2) silence. Flip the script and put the shit test back on her, then trust the rest. Keep your frame. You can deal with the progression of the interaction later. EXAMPLE 1: “Let’s fu** like minx, raise rug rats, and live happily ever after.” Her response was “No, thanks.”  

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Don’t give up on a message like this. I responded with something creative and cute: “Okay, forget the rug rats. I’ll make sure the sex is bad at first, but happily ever after is nonnegotiable” and a wink face. Her response (she figured out my message was from a movie—“Yawn. I see you’re a collector of quotes.” This is a second shit test. Don’t give up (again).

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I responded: “LOL, I love the idea that you googled the message.” This makes her feel lame. A diss tells her that you won’t play her game, and it also conveys your personality.

Her response was: “Does he have a name?” This positive response leads to an opportunity to close. Next, get her phone number. Then set up the date. EXAMPLE 2: Girl was Brazilian, divorced, and she worked in retail. My first message was: “You must be feisty.”    

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Her shit test: “Why do you say I must be feisty?” My response: “I’m hoping you’re feisty so you can keep me from getting bored.” Her second response, a full-on shit test: “Can you keep me from getting bored?” My response: I didn’t think about escalating—again, I just passed the test: “No. Actually, I can, but if you can’t keep yourself entertained, we’re not going to get along anyway, so it doesn’t matter.” Her response: “What’s your number? We should hang out.”

If you don’t give enough of a response to a shit test, the girl won’t simply respond out of laziness or apathy. There’s nothing in it for her to do so. However, you also don’t want to make it too easy for her to respond; otherwise, she can’t get invested. Your message should make her think, make it difficult for her to respond. As evident from websites like HeTexted.com—a forum-like page on which girls can post texts from guys, get advice on what the texts “mean,” and learn how they should respond—women get super, super obsessed with messages if you let them. So you want to make them wonder how they should be responding to you.

3. The Logical Question or Logical Content Response As with shit tests, in which you pass the shit test and do nothing else, if a girl responds to you with a logical question or statement (think, “Hey, good to hear from you. How was your weekend?”), don’t treat it as a shit test (it’s not) and don’t over-game (it’s too overtly a sign of interest). Answer the question, pushing through it as quickly as possible, and ping value (see the first example of messages, silence, to know what to ping), and/or attempt to escalate/move toward setting plans. So how should you answer the question “How was your weekend?” One method is to make your response as brief as possible, and make it one of value. Lengthy messages make the interaction less poignant and meaningful (most of the time). Answer her question and throw in some random or funny or cute non sequitur: “Weekend was great; insert funny thing that happened over the weekend or cite random thing from her profile.”

Another tactic is to try for the soft close (don’t name a specific time or place, or ask “What’s your number?”). Maybe: “Let’s discuss over drinks sometime.” Essentially, you’re pinging her to see if the hard close is viable, and you’re not asking for anything exact, so you’re making it something she can say yes to without feeling obligated or nervous. Then, when you get a positive response, you go for the hard close. A logical question or statement is a pure IOI, a girl’s way of saying, I want to keep talking to you, but I don’t know what to say. It’s for sure a positive response, but it can be a land mine that leads to logical conversation and destroys the interaction (read: you’re in the friend zone) if you don’t diffuse of it quickly by showing intent. The last thing you want is to become a friend figure or online chat buddy.

4. The Overtly Positive Response First of all, congratulations are in order if you’ve gotten this one. You probably have a good profile, and most likely you wrote a solid first message. When you get this type of message, go for the hard close immediately. No logical responses, pinging valuing, or clever quips. Her: “You’re so hot. When are we going to hang out?” You: “Sometime this week. This is my number. What’s yours?” Done. You should be on your way to going on a date. Miscellaneous Questions and Answers Re: Online Messages and Texts (taken from real guys)

Q: What about timing between messages? A: You want to be messaging about as frequently or less frequently than the girls are. They take a day to respond and you take five minutes? You’re lame and needy. Don’t be anal about it; just don’t be that guy who’s always getting back right away when they never are. But don’t be stupid, either. If you’re trying to make plans, don’t wait too long to message back. There’s what’s right—and then there’s what’s effective.

Q: When is a good time to diss a girl online (if any)? A: There are a few times. When she’s giving you a shit test and your diss is clever and spins the frame back on her. When you have no other recourse, nothing is working, and you have no reason to expect anything positive. You can say something offensive to get a response, but remember that just getting her to say something isn’t enough. You then have to be a cool guy and know how to turn it around. But the diss at least gets you into a circumstance where you have her in a real conversation.

Q: How many messages should you be sending until you go for the number? A: Usually between three and six. Anything more, and you’ll getting into trouble, becoming their online buddy because you’re not showing enough intent. Anything less, most of the time, and you haven’t yet built enough comfort.

General Message Formats and Ideas Throughout an Interaction: Think Simple    

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“Hey” Tease comment Slight compliment about how they seem better than the average girl (“You seem like you’re not just a pretty face”) An intriguing thing about yourself (be mysterious, i.e. “I travel for work”) that will induce a predictable question (have cut-and-paste response ready) Mention pursuing interaction over a drink/“let’s at least be friends” (soft close, not offensive or scary, easy for girls to reply, nothing to read into)

Note: A minor yet important detail (which also applies to live game): get your phone number in a girl’s phone to avoid awkwardness. Avoid the “Hey, it’s insert name from online. We’ve never spoken before. . . .” Also, be sure to put your name in the last online message you send.

Takeaways from Chapter Five If you get silence at first, offer value. If you get silence mid-interaction, call the girl out the awkwardness as you would with a friend. o With shit tests, just pass them: ignore/change the topic, agree and exaggerate, and misinterpret. o If you get a logical question, give a brief answer/ping value and show intent so you don’t fall into a friend frame, or go for the soft close. o With a positive response, jump to logistics for meeting up. o o

Chapter 6: Tips for Phone Game and Dates If you’re reading this chapter with interest, you’ve probably gotten at least one phone number from doing online game. I’m not about to congratulate you, however. A girl’s phone number is not and never should be considered a trophy or a victory. It’s a jumping-off point to start an interaction that should ideally lead to a date and to sex. A phone number means that it’s now time for the real work to begin. As I’ve said, there isn’t much of a difference between a message you’d send via an online dating site and a message you’d send from your phone. The main distinction is the length of the message. While I’ve advised you to keep your online messages short-ish, there is a smaller margin for error with length when you’re sending what are essentially mini e-mails through Match or OKCupid or whatever your site of choice—even Tinder. Text messages are like headlines: they may be short, but they need to be potent. Every word matters, and there’s little room for mistakes. The difference, albeit slight, can in many cases affect whether you do or do not receive a response. Obviously, getting the girl to respond is ideal, and I’m going to show you how to deal with responses in addition to writing your first message.

Get Your Number in Her Phone If I were speaking the above sentence out loud, I’d be saying it slowly, with emphasis on every, single word. Once you’ve had a successful online interaction and the girl has given you her number, and I stressed this in Chapter Five, it’s absolutely vital to get your number in her phone as soon as possible—use your judgment here, though; give it an hour so you don’t seem overeager and lame—but do it quickly enough that the interaction is fresh in her mind.

Live Game Application: In person, you should immediately get your number in a girl’s phone, ideally when she is still standing in front of you. But with online game, you don’t want her to think you have nothing better to do than to check your online dating messages, so it’s best to wait slightly longer than immediately, but not too much past that. Chances are, whichever girl you’re actually excited about seeing is being contacted by more than one guy who’s also excited about going out with her, so get your number in her phone in a timely, clever, and cocky way. The last thing you want is to wait so long that she confuses you with another dude, which 1). makes you just one of many guys vying for her attention, and 2). values your first text at zero, essentially. Plus, if she has to physically go back online to see who you are, she’s going to feel like a huge slut. All this being said, here is my go-to first text: Hey, it’s Todd. Here’s my number so you can be appropriately excited for my call. Never ask for anything up front (making specific plans, for example). Just get her number in your phone in a creative way.

Why Not Call?

Some guys ask why I make my first contact by phone a text instead of a call (especially since I’m excellent at phone game), and the reasoning for that is simple. Most women do not pick up their phones. This is beyond frustrating, but by not picking up her phone, the girl believes she can avoid an awkward situation. She doesn’t know/remember who you are, she’s talking to multiple guys, she’s afraid she won’t match up to the person she came off as online or she’ll say something stupid . . . whatever the reason. Make sure she has your number and knows who you are—then call. I’ll get to what you say when you call, later on.*

She Responded—So Now What? After the initial text is when the largest number of girls flake. If you can move past this point and get the interaction going, you’re much more likely to get a date. But what you follow up with after her first response is crucial, whether it be a phone call or another text, so don’t get overconfident that she responded and blow the entire interaction. If you’re too persistent and too obviously on-call for a girl, you will come off as needy, and therefore creepy and a loser. You’ve then lost any value you may have gained with your initial, creative text. A girl can respond a number of ways to your first message, but as with online messages, there are a few basic categories and techniques you can use to respond to each one. Let’s say you used my text above—Hey, it’s Todd. Here’s my number so you can be appropriately excited for my call. Now, the girl will give you one of the following responses: 1. 2. 3. 4.

The logical question: Hey, number saved. How’s your day going? The overtly positive response: Hey, you. When are we hanging out? The confused response: Todd who? The non-response: silence.

With responses 1 and 2, calling the girl is your next move. It’s true that every time you call a girl, you lose value (a call is more of a time commitment, it’s more awkward/can be boring, can result in a loss of validation—on either end—etc.), but it’s worth the risk, and the first two responses are positive and warrant a phone call. Otherwise, you can end up going back and forth over text forever about nothing because you’re receiving and answering more logical questions from Girl 1. In live game, I call this the “half-hour conversation to nowhere,” and the “text” version can occur just as easily. You can also end up endlessly trying to figure out date logistics with Girl 2 over texting, and that’s equally annoying. How many times have you called a friend to nail down plans because texting was causing too much confusion and wasting too much time? Use the same principal with girls, even if it’s only based on the premise that calling to figure out your date is the most logical and efficient thing to do. Calling the girl also accomplishes the following: • • •

Shows you aren’t a pussy Gives you an opportunity to set yourself apart and allow you to convey your personality more so than in a text Lends intimacy to the interaction

This last point is crazy important. Moving the conversation to a more intimate plane is always to your advantage. Sex, of course, is the most intimate form of a communication. Then

comes: in-person, phone, text, and finally, e-mail. Therefore, a phone call is closer to sex than a text message is. Your goal is to always go with the most intimate interaction you can get away with. If you’re still concerned about losing value by calling, look at it this way: you can’t send your dick over the phone in ones and zeroes (a friend of mine once said this). My personal philosophy is that I’d rather call and get the date and then be valueless in a girl’s presence than have a lot of value via text but end getting no face time with her. You have to get the girl in person if you want to actually get to know her and have the opportunity to get physical. So what do you say? Keep it short and sweet. Witty banter at the start (I didn’t think you’d sound this cute on the phone), show light intent (like misinterpreting something she says in a funny, sexual way) . . . And it’s okay to bring up making plans—that’s the point, after all: to get her on a date—especially if she mentioned doing so in her text or the topic was discussed in one of your online messages. If you know where you want to go, casually tell her the location—There’s a cool bar downtown I’ve been meaning to check out—and suggest a time. If you haven’t already done your research on venues, tell her you’ll text her with an address. And if you’re wondering where you should go, I’ll get to that soon, in the section in this chapter on dates. Now, what if you’ve gotten the equivalent to Who is this? or you get dead air? Let me tackle the “confused” response first. She doesn’t know who you are. Bloody hell. To deal with this, remind her who you are and where she knows you from (possibly with a tease or a callback to something you joked or talked about already). Assume that she likes you but just forgot. Don’t act butt-hurt.

Tips for Text Game: If you’re really interested in the pure practice of texting, get the phone numbers of girls you don’t even know. Trade the numbers of flakey girls with a friend, and try to get the girls out on dates. See if you can do it. If you are able to get a girl out, think of how easy it’ll be to get a girl who you’ve actually messaged with previously to go out with you. Now, what if you’ve gotten silence? To tackle this “response,” I pick up the phone and call the girl (at a time when she’s likely not to be working). When she answers, use the same guidance I illustrated above when following up on logical questions/responses or overtly positive responses. But what if you get her voice mail? If she doesn’t answer that call or a subsequent one, and she also doesn’t respond to a few polite reminder texts, go back to pinging value and not asking for anything. Don’t ask yes-or-no questions or logical questions. Not: Hey, let’s hang out soon. Not: What are you doing this weekend? When considering what to text in order to ping value, again, consider something you might write as a Tweet or status update on Facebook, or a photo you’d post to either of these sites or to Instagram. I once sent this to a girl: Just hired four interns in my pajamas. How they got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

A text like this is pure value-offering. It doesn’t express that you need or want anything from the girl. And the good thing is that you can always text her again if she doesn’t respond, because your previous text was fun and playful and nothing more. You didn’t lose social capital. If instead you asked to hang out and she didn’t answer, you lost a lot of value there, and a follow-up next is not going to be well received. Guys sometimes ask me if continuing to text a girl—even if all you’re doing is saying funny, clever things or sending photos—is too persistent and needy. It’s persistence, but it’s intelligent, playful persistence. You can keep messaging the girl until she (or her boyfriend— this happens more than you might think) tells you to fu** off.

Tips for Text Game: To reiterate from Chapter Five, have a mass text list on your phone of girls you’re not that interested in (for whatever reason) and use them to practice on. Text twenty girls the same message, and see what you get back. If something works, use it on the girls you’re really interested in.

Dates and Day Twos Logistics I’m going to start off this section by telling you something you should always keep in mind when planning/arranging logistics for a date: Never take a date when there’s no possibility for sex. And this begins immediately, right when you’re on the phone, setting up the date itself. In my personal game, if there’s ever a time when a girl won’t make the effort to come to me, I don’t bother wasting my time with that specific date. It’s better to invest a bit more time on the phone with the girl to increase interest or to try to make plans for another day. And I’ve found that, usually, if I suggest the latter (i.e. show less interest), the girl becomes almost instantly on. She’s afraid she won’t get another opportunity to see me, so she’ll suddenly figure out a way to make time for me and do it on my terms. Girls have respect for a guy who doesn’t force the date, and if you’ve done the right work, her interest is piqued enough that you’re an opportunity she won’t want to risk passing up. So don’t fall into the typical dating frame—the one where you’re chasing and trying to appease her, etc. You don’t want that frame.

Who Pays? I get asked this question a lot, and it’s come up more often in recent years because women have started to offer to split checks. This is up to your discretion. I think it’s great when a girl offers to split. It does depend, though, on the logistics of the date. Sometimes, when a girl is reluctant to come to me, I’ll flip the script and say something like, Well, if I come to you, you’re paying. If she comes to me, I’m much more likely to pick up the bill (as opposed to splitting). It might seem in poor taste to suggest that she pays if you go to her, but it’s important that both people be invested to some degree. You don’t want one person providing everything—make sure she’s committing too. Picking a Venue

The important thing is to pick a place that’s fun (and no, “swanky” isn’t a requirement) and one you would enjoy whether or not the girl is even there. You might have a date in which the girl is dull and terrible, so if you’re going to put up with her for an hour, you might as well be somewhere you can amuse yourself. And ideally, if you’re having fun and she’s being miserable, your world of self-amusement will draw her in. Set the tone and your vibe as fun and funny, and it’ll be contagious. I’d suggest you go for drinks, not dinner and not an activity. Firstly, dinner or an activity is too much of a time commitment both beforehand (planning the date) and on the date itself (remember that miserable girl? Do you want to hang out with her longer than necessary?). Dates can also start to become a serious financial burden. If you get to a point where you’re going out on a lot of dates, the literal cost can add up fast. The other reason I advise against going to a restaurant is because you want to make sure you’re in a position where you can touch the girl—hold her hand, touch her leg, kiss her. Most restaurants will put you at a table, which ends up being a physical roadblock between you and the girl, and therefore, an escalation nightmare. If you don’t have an opportunity to get physical with a girl at all during your date, it’s going to be difficult to get physical her with her after, whether it’s when you step outside the venue, get into a cab or car, or arrive at her door or yours. So make sure you pick a place in which you can sit next to the girl or across from her without obstructions. For me, what’s the ideal perfect spot for a date or day two? Text the girl this: I know a place: address. The “place” is your apartment. Not the place you’ll be going to for the date. Well, not yet, anyway. Let me explain. Once the girl gets to the address you send, she’ll most likely be a bit confused to see an apartment building or a house and not a bar or a restaurant. You’ll get the inevitable Is this your place? to which you respond something to the effect of Oh, you’re outside! I’ll be right down. In the past, when I’ve met the girl downstairs outside where I’m staying or living, I’ll say, I forgot my wallet, or similar. Then I just walk through the door and assume the girl is following me. Be assumptive. Don’t narrate. You’re not trying to have sex with her right in your place, right then (unless, of course, she makes a move—then go for it). So what’s the point of all this? Even if the girl doesn’t follow you inside or upstairs—and in my experience, she almost always does—she’s been to your place and she’s able to get comfortable with the idea of being present where you live and most important, this makes her feel comfortable coming back there later. And you didn’t force her to follow you, so she did, in fact, make the decision herself. If she doesn’t follow you, she made the choice and you didn’t pressure her. I’ve had people suggest to me that this is somewhat devious or manipulative, but I always let the girl make the decision, and in the end, she can do what she wants.

The Date/Day Two

At the start of the date, no matter where you meet the girl or pick her up or whatever, you should be getting physical at the get-go. It should be assumed that if a girl is meeting you for a date or day twp, she likes you and she’s excited about and looking forward to it. For that reason, any girl you’re meeting up with for either should be willing to give you a hug. A girl who won’t hug you is a weirdo. If you’ve exchanged positive messages with a girl and have escalated either in the messages or on the phone, I’d say you can kiss her on a first date, and, on a day two, it’s even more acceptable. Gauge the level of physicality (remember, you should go for the highest level you think you can get away with at that point) and act accordingly, but make sure that, whatever you do, it’s a step above a handshake. You want to set the tone that you’re that type of guy and that this is not a platonic interaction. The best way to prepare you for the date is not to give you a bunch of long-winded paragraphs about what to say and how to act, but to provide you with a checklist of things to consistently keep in mind while on the date. If you have script, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Because what happens if you deviate from it? The most likely scenario is you’ll lose your place and flub the rest of it. It’s better to be natural, say the first thing that comes to mind, and employ the following strategies: 1. Constantly escalate. Hold hands at the bar. Hold hands in the car or when you cross the street. These acts might be cheesy or clunky, but they begin the process of escalation and keep the interaction from stagnating or going cold, physically. 2. Keep the tone fun and funny. If you go to hold her hand and she pulls away, continue to keep the tone light. Don’t act awkward or offended. Keep talking as if nothing happened. The date should be an experience, and it should be enjoyable. 3. Almost never sit across from the girl—unless you’re at a bar and you’re sitting on stools with nothing between you—because you want to be in a position where you can escalate. But remember, don’t be going at her like a hen pecking at the ground. Pull back on a kiss sometimes. If she knows she can have you every time, you lose tension, which is important for maintaining a physical interaction. 4. Address and eliminate her objections before she can, and do it in a playful way (There’s no way we’re having a sleepover tonight), but on the flip side, 5. Seed ideas about things the two of you can do together either later that night or on a later date (I have to show this photo I took when I was in Thailand) 6. Find out things about her you can do if you end up taking her home or meeting her for a second date (playing YouTube videos or a song you think she’d like). Learn about what excites her. 7. When you get her to your place, or if you’re at hers, be patient and take your time: There is a point of no return. If you escalate too heavily, you don’t pull back, or you push too hard, and you don’t end up having sex that night, it’s going to be hard to have sex with the girl on a second meet-up (and that’s if she doesn’t flake). So with every physical escalation step you take, take two steps back. Chill out. Grab a drink. Use the restroom. Sometimes, if you don’t wait five minutes to take a breather, you will deal with an hour of resistance later. 8. You will get some resistance most of the time. But there’s a difference between light resistance, and Stop! or hard no. Little giggling objections . . . she’s still having fun. It’s fine. Otherwise, if she says to stop, stop. Don’t ever force a girl.

Takeaways from Chapter Six •

Keep your texts in the same vein as online messages, but keep the content short.

• • • o o o • • • •

•

Get your number in her phone. With first texts, let her know it’s you—and don’t ask for anything. Call the girl if you receive: a logical question or logical response overtly positive response silence If you get more silence following a call and then subsequent follow-up calls or texts, go back to pinging value. If you get a confused who are you? response, remind the girl who you are and how she knows you in a teasing, creative way without being defensive or acting offended. Always be trying to achieve the highest level of intimacy possible (e-mail to sex). For dates and day twos, organize the date on your terms, pick a venue where you can easily escalate physically, get physical from the beginning, and take your time with closing and dealing with resistance. Online game and the dates that come out of it should be fun. So above all, have fun on the date. Enjoy yourself.

Appendix: Todd’s Profiles Whenever someone asks how I’m doing, I usually just lie and say ‘good’, even though I’m doing a lot better than that. I guess that’s a bit cocky, eh? I may appear arrogant and unattainable. That’s because I am :P. But I’m also a hopeless romantic who believes that passionate love can be like a shooting star — a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. Just an ambitious guy trying to find a balance between fighting enough to be rewarded in life and fighting so hard that I don’t enjoy the life I’ve earned.

I don’t know everything, but here are a few observations I’ve come to in my life: • • •

If you’re not dead to at least one person, you’re not living right. Most hot girls will never know if they are actually interesting or not. Money can’t buy happiness but it solves 95% of the problems that make you unhappy.

One day you’ll be on the wrong side of the hourglass and the skin around your eyes will start looking like Hugh Hefner’s ball sack… When that day comes, you won’t regret going out with that guy who was sexy and a little bit dangerous. But you might regret fearing regretting it. Don’t bother chastising me… I already know I’m going to Hell. So, at this point, it’s go big or go home ;). In the end, you have to decide. Do you want the mysterious, exciting man who’s good in bed, or do you want a stable guy who goes to jury duty and shops at the gap?

ABOUT YOU: I’ll take a girl with a sharp wit. Wits never sag and there’s no plastic surgery for the brain. Also please don’t contact me if you think fellatio is a Shakespearean protagonist or if your personality is 30% the last movie you watched. Thanks

PROFILE 2 Life is too short to dance with fat chicks So you read my headline and felt indignant?! Get over yourself… and put the fork down Let’s just have fun and let the adults handle the serious stuff. I’m a hopeless romantic narcissistic workaholic with commitment issues, so I’m basically the guy your mother warned you about. I’m looking for someone brilliant, beautiful, ambitious, and even a bit conceited… for bouts of verbal sparring and passionate “reconciliation”. Cocky much?! Yes, very much. I’ve earned it And I actually do have a good side, it’s just difficult to get on it. I believe that hot trumps weird; that being righteous is tiresome and gives you wrinkles… and let’s be honest, you’re not so innocent either :P. If I contact you then I think you might not be the worst company in the world. Sadly I don’t do dates, never have, never will. Do rendezvous and drinks though. So let’s get together and make some interesting decisions.